#I don’t always know a word is problematic but I do always try my best to be understanding of people and their experiences - y’know?

[givemaycoffee]

It seems you're feeling better today. I'm glad! Have some more questions :)

11, 39, 47, 78, 90

I am! :) And capitalizing on it as best as I can. Thanks for more of these 🥰

11. Do you have any strange phobias?

I don’t know if it’s strange but I have trypophobia. It’s strong enough that I have developed coping mechanisms to deal with it. It can become like an intrusive thought once it’s on my mind. I filter for it on here, and I’m always grateful when someone I follow actually uses the tag so I don’t have to see it. I also haven’t bothered to internalize how it’s spelled (even tho looking at it now it’s really not complicated), but I have the word saved in my notes app because originally I had to Google it and let me tell you… not a fun experience!

39. What time is it?

Aha, speaking of geography. It’s 4:53 pm :3

47. Do you have any obsessions right now?

Not really! Thank goodness tbh. I hyperfixated on Fire Emblem: Three Houses pretty hard when I got into it (June or July), and went down the Dimileth rabbit hole first, then Sylvix. I’m still enjoying Sylvix, but it’s not compulsive like it was when I was well and truly hyperfixated. I’ve been avoiding finishing the CF route, tho, so I’m currently playing Spiritfarer.

78. Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Uh oh! You’ve unlocked Opinions™. The first of which is that insanity is a word I find uncomfortable because it isn’t an official psychological term anymore, it’s mostly used in law these days to indicate severe mental illness, and when the average person genuinely uses it to describe another person they’re often using it to demonize said person’s mental illness. However, I don’t think anyone involved here intended that, so I am just mentioning it because I have met a lot of folks for whom it is a word that personally hurts them, and thus I feel the need to say something.

To answer the actual question, I think it’s looking at it wrong, really. Rather than bringing on creativity, I think mental illness tends to result in unique experiences, both positive and negative, and art is an outlet for all of it. Van Gogh had what seems to be manic depression, and art was a way to express himself. Art therapy is very much a thing for folks with all sorts of mental illnesses. It allows you to explore life, yourself, whatever you want in a way that doesn’t require words (or does, if you express yourself through writing), and can maybe communicate some of what’s going on in your head to someone else who otherwise might have very little understanding. And it can even help you understand yourself, too, sometimes.

So yeah, I think ultimately unique experiences and perspectives make a person more creative, especially in the eyes of someone whose own experiences are very different. It’s all relative, baby! This is also why diversity is super important (beyond just being fundamentally a good thing), because diverse people have diverse ideas and diversity of thought leads to creativity and innovation :3

90. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

First of all - this one is hilarious. Secondly… cry. Fun fact about me, if a zombie apocalypse were to happen, I would like to die, thanks! Don’t wanna deal with it, too scary and depressing. Anyhow - after crying, I would probably do the boring thing which is see if they react to anything, including movement and speech, and go from there. If no movement, J and I get up and leave and probably call my in-laws because they’re the real adults around here. 😂

[pollyanna-nana]

“I can’t help anyone…”

An analysis of Kieran and how it relates to his most controversial scene.

Warning for Indigo Disk DLC spoilers ahead

——————

Greetings! I’ve made it no secret that, despite what some people think of him, I am very fond of Kieran Pokémon’s little emo ass. As a result, when perusing the tags I’ve been bombarded with a lot of very… questionable takes regarding his personality and character, which I simply do not agree with. In particular, I’ve seen a lot of interpretations of a specific scene that I don’t think get at the heart of the story and have some fundamental misunderstandings of the subtextual clues we’re given about how Kieran and Carmine were raised, and I wanted to take the opportunity to present my own interpretations and how I have come to understand this young boy’s complex journey to self acceptance.

This scene, right here, has been the source of many specific complaints I’ve seen regarding Kieran’s character. I’ve seen people saying that his actions here make him a bully, that he’s shaming a fellow student for having troubles at home, and generally is an unpleasant, entitled person. And while I think there’s definitely some truth to those points (and they make him all the more interesting…) I don’t think a lot of these people are thinking about what this scene is really trying to tell us.

Yes, it’s showing the player that Kieran has changed since we last saw him. That his shy, kind demeanor has been supplanted by a stark cruelty that was hinted at in the end of Teal Mask, and that we have reason to fear and fear for him. However. I would argue that it also serves to tell us more about what Kieran himself has dealt with as a student at Blueberry academy. Specifically...

Kieran’s struggle with identity and self worth.

From the earliest segments of Teal Mask, we get strong indications that Kieran has quite the inferiority complex. Worse still, said feelings are reinforced by the people around him, knowingly or not. Here, when Carmine tells us that Kieran's "nearly as strong as she is", we know she simply means to compliment us in her own Carmine-ish way. However, purposefully or not, it reinforces Kieran's idea as someone who is always, at best, almost good enough. Almost as strong as his sister. Never as or more.

He tells the player that he'll hang back, not wanting to get in our way. With no prior prompting, either. How many times has he been made to feel that he was a burden? I adore Carmine, but one of her most pressing flaws is her struggle to make Kieran feel loved and wanted. Which, is actually pretty normal between siblings as she herself is a child. But still, given how much Kieran clearly loves and respects her, her words hold a lot of weight. And it's only Carmine who we get to see treat Kieran this way. While it's possible it's coming almost entirely from her, I'll discuss later why I think it may be more complicated than that. For now, though, it's clear that Kieran himself thinks very lowly of his abilities and would rather stay out of people's way, lest they berate him for perceived inadequacies.

He's had problematic behavior modeled for him by Carmine.

Here, too, we see how Carmine's treatment of him reinforced some very negative ideas of interpersonal conflict and resolution. All throughout Teal Mask, Carmine is telling him to shut up and be quiet, and does what she thinks is best for him without consideration for how it may make him feel. No physical violence, but emotional abuse is abuse all the same. While we know that she was ultimately trying to do what was best for him, and had very good reasons for keeping secrets, its undeniable that the words she used only further reinforced the idea that the strong will push around the weak, and that they have no need for anyone who falls behind in some way.

This scene in particular is fascinating, as we get to see first hand the kind of dynamic that pushed his feelings of inadequacy towards the breaking point. Here, after the player and Carmine run into Ogerpon for the first time, he thinks her weird behavior is because they were making fun of him. It's already sad that he would jump to that conclusion, but then Carmine smiles through his entire dialogue and says nothing. No reassurance, no denial, nothing. Kieran walked away from this conversation thinking that his sister and his new friend were talking about how much they dislike him. Speaking from personal experience, constantly feeling like people are talking about you behind your back at a young age can lead to you becoming brutally honest in a maladaptive way, and it can lead to people thinking you're cruel and unkind because you refuse to keep your thoughts to yourself.

Generational trauma, neurodivergence and cycles of abuse.

Here is where we leave screenshot land for a bit and I talk more about things that I suspect to be true, but cannot ultimately prove. However, I ask that you bear with me here and consider what may be going on above the heads of the child protagonists in a children's video game. (After all, if some people can write whole essays comparing Kieran's behavior to some very serious real-world events... I think I am within my right here!)

Kieran and Carmine, to me, match very strongly with the idea that they came from a bad home life. I don't necessarily mean their grandparents, as they seem nice enough (though flawed), but instead that their parents, whoever they were, contributed substantially to their strained relationship and problematic behavior. This post may seem very Carmine-negative, but I actually do not blame her for what she's done, not really. I do think that she has the agency and experience to take responsibility for how she's treated her brother, but I also think that it is something that was modeled for her by her parents, caretakers and teachers. I think it's very important to keep in mind in all conversations about these two that negative behaviors like these rarely manifest out of the ether. When I see child characters acting this way, I think less "wow, what horrible people!" and more "who in your life is modeling this kind of behavior for you?"

Full disclosure: I am an older sister myself, and my younger sister is very close to me in age in the same way that I see Carmine and Kieran as being. I see a lot of myself in her, which is why I deeply understand her frame of mind in everything here. Being expected to be the emotionally mature one in a sibling dynamic is difficult when you're so close in age, and it can lead to a lot of frustration as you feel like you're made to grow up too fast while your younger sibling is shielded from responsibility. It also doesn't help if the adults in your life model a lot of negative behavior, especially power dynamics, and if you have any sort of neurodivergency.

Speaking of... I wholeheartedly agree with the interpretations of the siblings having some combination of autism, ADHD, BPD or several other potential conditions. I won't go into depth, but without question there's something going on with them that's both untreated and misunderstood by those around them. Which, makes a lot of sense considering where they come from. Kitakami is a small nation, mostly agriculture based, and Carmine in particular is very resistant to the idea of it becoming a tourist destination for wealthier countries. They may not have the resources and infrastructure, along with cultural awareness, to properly diagnose and treat certain mental health conditions. Kieran doesn't even have a phone!

Something I don't see mentioned often is how Kieran and Carmine being at Blueberry is more than likely a very isolating experience for both. Being at a prestigious school in Poke-America, when coming from rural Poke-Japan, must've been a very difficult transition. Given that it doesn't seem like ANY of the adults in their lives are interested in their mental and physical well-being, I can only imagine that exacerbated their already existing issues. Not to mention that the culture of BB seems to be overly concerned with strength in battles, it's no wonder that both children's worst traits were made to fester over time.

Entitlement and disenfranchisement

Okay, enough of that. Back to screenshots. Here I want to talk about how some people interpret Kieran as being bratty and entitled, and while I don't necessarily disagree, I think with the context of everything previously laid out in this post that it's a lot deeper than simple entitlement. We know, from his own words, that all he wants is acceptance, independence, and meaningful human connections. To him, that comes in the form of strong pokemon (acceptance at the academy), going anywhere he wants (feeling empowered and self-confident), and being able to make friends with "anyone". Any friends at all, really.

While his "I worked so hard, and for what?! I STILL lost in the end!" can feel petulant and whiny, it also cuts deep for anyone who has grown up without. I think it's very important to note that Kieran is at precisely the age when systemic inequalities really start to weigh on someone, and before the brain and life experiences are developed enough to handle it in a healthy way. While some cope better than others, for many around this age the weight of knowing that there are people out there who simply have more than you ever will not by any sort of effort or triumph, but rather than the dumb luck of birth into a wealthy, privileged setting... well, it can be crushing.

It's something most grow out of, but for a kid like Kieran, who was so obsessed with the story of a genuine injustice (Ogerpon vs. the 'loyal' three), is it any wonder that he would react this way? The player is a particularly extreme example, of course, as protagonist powers are some real bullshit. Coming to terms with the fact that the system has failed him, but he can still achieve great things and become a person he can be proud of, is something that will probably only come with time and wisdom as it does for most of us. In the interim, though, petty teenage tantrums are to be more or less expected.

Feeling powerless.

In case you think I'm extrapolating far too much, I think it's important to note that, after the severe shock that was Terapagos breaking out of its own ball, Kieran reinforces all of these ideas himself. Here, when Carmine is begging him to help you, he refuses not because of hatred of you but rather his own self-doubt and loathing. Which, ultimately, has always been the core of everything Kieran has done up to this point in Indigo Disk's plot. He believed so strongly that if only he could become stronger, then he could prove to everyone, and more importantly himself, that he was worthy of taking up space and achieving his own dreams. But it's here, when everything truly comes crashing down around him, that the facade slips and shows Kieran as he truly is- a little boy who feels helpless in his current circumstances.

I've seen people say that when he cries after becoming determined to help you defeat Terapagos, it's out of jealousy or anger. However, I couldn't disagree more. The light returning to his eyes shows, in my view, that Kieran feels hope for the first time since he had his dreams crushed back in Teal Mask. That, even though he feels powerless, even though he's hurt people and hurt himself, he's still wanted. That he can do something meaningful, even if it's just cleaning up the mess he helped to make. (Briar don't think I've forgotten about you. You're the most culpable in this situation given you're the only adult- but I digress.)

In conclusion.

He bapy.

No but really, what does all of this even mean? I think going back and reading the conversation at the start of the post, especially if you were initially put off by it, with the context outlined here changes a lot about how one can interpret Kieran's behavior. Note that I am not trying to justify anything he said or did, but rather point out that this fictional child has some serious, unresolved issues that deserve time and thought turned towards them, especially in the way that they reflect real-world individuals and systems. Ultimately, if you want my opinion I think Kieran would be a pretty nasty person to know in real life if I was in school still, but you know what? So was I at his age. And so were most people, if I'm being honest. But that doesn't tarnish a person forever. All of life isn't high school, even though Kieran- or you, reading this right now- may feel like it is. He has a lot of growing up to do, but that's life. And in the meantime, he sure is one hell of an interesting character to follow.

[lovingseventeen]

svt being green flags early into dating

a/n: dating boys who aren’t seventeen? i don’t recommend KIDDING but it’s tough out here. ngl i wrote this in one dash bc i’ve had it with boys

- picture these hcs as the talking stage/unofficial dating era but you guys are interested in each other

seungcheol:

❥ saw a quote recently that described a man as “alpha male energy without being an incel” and i think this pertains to cheol too

❥ never let’s you pay, picks you up in his car for your dates so you don’t have to commute anywhere and to ensure you get home safe

jeonghan:

❥ teases you but never crosses a boundary

❥ makes clever jokes but they’re never the kind of “dark humor” that’s just disguised as something problematic

joshua:

❥ he’s a prince, a walking green flag even

❥ hence the princess treatment that you tend to get

❥ always offers his hand to you when you walk on anything that could be precarious

jun:

❥ he’s a little silly but he’s very aware of when is a good time

❥ knows exactly how to cheer you up depending on the situation

❥ maybe you get funny voice jun or an attentive jun gently holding your hand and asking what he could do to help

soonyoung:

❥ consistent energy towards you

❥ you see him bounding towards your date meeting spot with the biggest grin on his face - the same genuine grin as the one on your first date

wonwoo:

❥ the best listener and he’s good at following up with you so you know he cares

❥“oh yeah how did your test go? the one you kept staying up for”

❥“did you end up talking to your boss about your hours?”

❥“did you end up getting the tickets for the concert you wanted?”

jihoon:

❥ his schedule may be busy but he does try to make time for you and he communicates when he can’t

❥“i’m a little tight this week but i moved some things around so i’m free saturday night, do you want to get dinner?”

❥“our day off is coming up, are you also free that day? i was thinking spending a day at home together?”

❥ he’s a little extra sappy when he can’t free up time

❥“we’re doing our dome shows this week, i’m so sorry i can’t see you, darling”

seokmin:

❥ also has very good, enthusiastic, energy towards you

❥ loves to text you consistently without being overbearing either

❥ good mornings and good nights are precious to him

❥ tells you unsolicited updates about his day and hopes you’ll do the same

❥ i stubbed my toe - remember to be careful sometimes!

mingyu:

❥ what can i say- he never lets you do anything in the sense that he doesn’t ever want you to feel the need to lift a finger around him

❥ your steak? do you want him to cut it for you?

❥ you need to build your new bookshelf? no you don’t, he’ll do it

minghao:

❥ so casually a gentleman

❥ tends to guide you by the small of your back when you walk together (he’s also always walking on the side closest to the road)

❥ it’s kind of a nice little reminder he’s there

seungkwan:

❥ he always brings an extra something in case you need it on your dates

❥ if it’s chilly outside and you’re talking a stroll around the park, he’ll an extra pair of gloves for you or an extra scarf

❥ or if you’re doing an active date, like trying volleyball maybe, he’ll bring an extra pair of kneepads for you

vernon:

❥ maybe he’s not the best with words but he’ll always send you little recommendations

❥ whether it’s a movie, a song, or a video, it’s his way of telling you “this reminded me of you”

❥ even in most casual instances, he’s thinking about you

chan:

❥ always takes care of planning dates

❥ while of course he wouldn’t stop you from planning a date, he also really enjoys thinking of where to go and what to do so he can just show you a good time :)

[stomach-bugg09]

uhhhh can i please request a sully! reader fic wherein she’s lo’ak’s twin and is so so much like jake that although neytiri wouldnt admit it (shes her favorite) but shes also smart like her uncle tommy and brave like her late uncle tsu’tey? i just want more platonic and familial sully family love 🥹 basically just her life and the people she’s impacted, maybe she almost dies bc come on lets give neteyam a break 😭 and her family’s reactions + her recovering 🙏🙏🙏🙏

sully family x lo’akstwin!reader

tags: @pinkhotdogsfr @eywas-heir

a/n: so, first of all, thank you so much for the request!! second of all, this is so cute and def right up my ally. i decided that, just bc it's generally broad, i’d format it as a head canon so i can continue to test my horizons with writing. hopefully i do your req justice!! feedback is always appreciated. (p.s... please send in requests 🙏🙏 i need the inspo)

you were a sully, and sullys stick together

lo'ak's twin headcanons

being lo’ak’s (older) twin, there’d always been some sort of… fued, if you will, between the two of you. of course, it was light hearted—most of the time.

you’d always try and one-up each other, watching each other’s (extremely dangerous) antics and deciding that the next best idea was to perform something even riskier. let's just say, the two of you liked to keep neytiri and jake on their toes.

because of your quite idiotic decisions, both of your parents, although it was usually more jake than neytiri, felt like they were constantly scolding the two of you. together.

and don't even get me started on poor neteyam, always trying to take the blame from you two. man, he is tired. can't you just be.. i don’t know, smart for once? (the answer is no)

but, one thing that neytiri and jake constantly talk to each other about is the reason you and lo'ak are hazards to yourself and to others is all because of jake. you are just too goddamn alike — dangerously so!

as a result of the two of you being a constant reminder of his own problematic personality, he is harsher on the two of you than he intends.

he’s just scared of you getting hurt.

neytiri almost always reprimands her mate for yelling at the two of you, but she also knows exactly where he’s coming from. she’s been on the front lines of jake’s stupidity for years, so she’s all too familiar with the dangers it brings

but, joke as they might about how dumb you are when it comes to risking your life just to one-up your twin, a small sentimental part of jake notices how goddamn smart you are. not only is your daring personality similar to himself, your intelligence is uncanny to his own twin.

every day he’s reminded of tommy — as you sit next to him with a map, helping him plan the escape route if a raid goes wrong, as you converse with norm, as you examine every living creature that wanders the forest… all of it is a reminder of the brother he once cherished, and that just makes you even more valuable to keep safe (from other threats, but mostly from yourself + lo’ak)

sometimes, when you’re sitting with your father and discussing the best way to approach or escape a raid, neytiri will be sitting nearby, doing her own duties. she always has at least one ear open to listen, and as she hears the alarmingly mature and smart words that leave your mouth, she swells with pride. she may deny it forever and ever, but a part of her favors you because of.. well, everything in all honesty. you're a brave young woman who knows exactly how to speak for herself, what's there not to like?

on occasion, when you aren’t grounded for doing something dumb, neytiri will take you on hunts. the two of you bond, and it is just adorable because mother-daughter bonding is where it's at.

and do not forget how brave you are. oh my god, how is it even possible that you jump towards danger. you would put your life on the line for your siblings, and you would do it again and again. in that, neytiri is reminded of tsu’tey, another piece of pride being sewn into her soul.

now… what happens when you guys have to leave?

well, first of all, let's acknowledge the fact that yes, you did join neteyam and lo’ak to flying from your spots on patrol and into the raid. why’d you do it? lo’ak said he was. it was a no-brainer.

secondly! yes, you were extremely proud when lo’ak flipped the avatars off after they captured you. and you most definitely bit the one that held you when it was your time to escape. and then maybe you hit him over the head with a gun on the forest floor. (you couldn't do anything after that — kiri grabbed you before you could.)

now, when you got word from your parents that you would be leaving… you were not happy. like, at all. you were actually quite pissed, if anything.

the forest was your home. weren’t you just giving the sky-people even more satisfaction by allowing them to drive you from your home?

but, alas, you were eventually able to tone down your stubbornness and actually understand your parents’ point. you were in danger, and that meant having to sacrifice comfort for the lives of you and your siblings.

so, off you went.

by the time you reached the metkayina tribe, your ass was so extremely sore from riding your ikran all that ways. and your legs were so very stiff. do not recommend!!

oh, and the way that that metkayina boy eyed your apparent “freak-like attributes,” that had you set off pretty quickly. kiri had to grab your wrist before you thought to say or do anything.

the pride you felt when your mother stood her ground… of how we love neytiri. an absolute boss.

but, all in all, you could stay. so.. you did. and even you had to admit, the water was gorgeous, even if swimming was the worst form of cardio.

you were quicker to learning the metkayina ways than your twin was, so that was gratifying of course. but, you also knew it wasn’t all that easy learning to breathe when he was head over heels for the girl teaching him (a fact that you definitely did not miss… and you most definitely teased him for it)

now, of course when it gets the point in with ao’nung being an absolute bitch ass to your sister… oh yeah you wouldn't let that slide. unfortunately, you came to scene a tad late, so you only witnessed the ends of the fight. that didn't keep you from smiling with pride at your two brothers who annihilated a group of.. what? four? five? it's hard to say, but they still somehow “won?”

and do NOT get me started on when you and neteyam found out what ao’nung did to lo’ak. you almost murdered a bitch. thank the lord lo’ak ended up being okay, because otherwise ao’nung would have been dead.

you were skeptical at first when lo’ak told your group about payakan. but, based on your deep rooted knowledge of each other, it didn't take long for you to realize he was telling the truth.

so, when it came the time post sky-people’s arrival, you were completely on-board to join lo’ak to warn the whale.

you, of course, tried your hardest to remove the tracker, but you were also an unfortunate victim of yet another kid-napping.

by the time neteyam saved you, lo’ak, tsireya, and tuk (who clung closely to you as soon as you were released), you and lo’ak were fully aware of spider’s presence on the ship

while you weren't really looking to save the human boy, you knew, morally, you would feel better if you did… so, you left tuk to tsireya and joined the boys

you have a lot of battle intelligence just based from listening to your father speak and eavesdropping on the conversations he had when planning raids, so you helped neteyam lead the way.

unfortunately, by the time you all escaped, a bullet had pierced your shoulder. you could barely keep your head above the surface.

you barely even acknowledged as your brothers laid you on a rock, tears pouring down their cheeks as they attempted to not only reassure you, but reassure themselves.

you were losing blood quickly, but tsireya was quick. she knew exactly what to do, so she did it. neytiri and jake were barely functional as they watched the metkayina girl tend to your shoulder. but, as much as they wanted to, they could not stay. they had two other daughters kidnapped by quaritch.

so, as they went to save their girls, tsireya kept your from bleeding out (temporarily) before rushing the two of you on her ilu back to her mother.

the recovery process was long but sweet. every member of your family was overjoyed when you woke up and ended up being alive and okay. lots of tears were shed.

they were quick to help you recover to your full abilities, and they were more excited than you were everytime that you reached a new achievement. getting out of bed was apparently something to be proud of.

but, all in all, you were a sully, and sullys stick together.

[zenaidamacrouras1]

Writing Modern Steve Roger's Health Issues: A compendium

AKA How do Steve Rogers' MCU canon illnesses hold up in a modern setting?  

I am writing something that is SO NICHE and so NERDY I feel absolutely, positively deviant about it. Who knew you could have this much fun while eating a burrito and sitting in the sun on your back porch? 

OKAY! This one goes out to all of you writing modern AU's with a modern Steve Rogers. (There are literally dozens of us!). Let's go.

So, I find it somewhat problematic when people write disabled or otherwise medically complicated characters and are wishy-washy about the diagnosis they have. In real life, everyone I know with ongoing medical issues is a fucking expert on their exact shit. A great tumblr reference for disabled characters is Cripple Characters, but I also use reddit threads to read about people’s day to day experiences with different issues in their own words. If nothing else, just decide what your character has and take ten minutes and read through a basic website article about it. 

So let's walk through what modern Steve's medical history and diagnoses might be. If you feel like I missed any details or got things wrong, happy to have comments to that end.

We'll start with the list of “ailments,” going with the MCU canon and combining the images from the museum exhibit and screen shots of Steve’s enlistment forms:

Asthma

Scoliosis

Fallen arches

Partial deafness

Scarlet Fever, Rheumatic Fever

Heart arrhythmia

High blood pressure

Palpitation or pounding in heart

Easy fatigability

Stomach ulcers

Pernicious anemia

Nervous trouble of any sort

Sinusitis

Chronic or frequent colds

Caveat: I am not a doctor, but I am a person who enjoys reading medical journal articles about illnesses I do and don’t have. The human body is a fascinating and terrible place to live. Talk to me about your medical complications - I will always find them interesting. I love small talk about Crohn’s disease and/or extremely graphic details about the time you had surgery because one of your wrist bones was the wrong length. 

Sucks To Your Assmar: Asthma! How has asthma changed? 

Kids who have their asthma well managed at a young age are going to have less scarring and lung damage (this is called airway remodeling). Thus a modern kid will likely have less severe asthma than a kid born in Steve’s time. Further, allergy medicines got way better from the 1990s, so kids with allergy induced asthma would have had fewer attacks. Fewer attacks as kids = less severe asthma as they age. 

I would also note that asthma is highly connected to environmental issues. If Steve grew up in a house with cigarette smoke, cockroaches, rats, or mold present, as is fairly easy to imagine, especially without dehumidifiers in a swampy Brooklyn summer, those are environmental factors that would have made his asthma much worse. 

They are also all factors that kids today certainly face, depending on how you write your modern Steve’s childhood. While people today certainly can have very severe asthma, it’s also entirely possible that modern Steve’s relationship to his asthma is pretty chill and easy to manage. (My partner has relatively severe asthma with a lot of environmental triggers; modern allergy medicine was a big game changer.)

Let’s talk about scoliosis ~~

There are a lot of variations to how scoliosis impacts people. I have very minor scoliosis and it's barely a thing in my life. I’m not trying to speak for everyone, but for what it’s worth, there are professional athletes with spinal fusion. I used Kyra Condie as my justification for writing climbing coach post-spinal fusion small Steve Rogers in one fic. My younger brother and best friend in high school both had spinal fusions. 

In reality the athletic and physical abilities of people with spinal fusion vary pretty much exactly as much as people without spinal fusion, so you have a lot of leeway for how you decide to write a character with scoliosis. I recommend reddit threads to read about people talking about how their bodies felt before and after spinal fusion, or why they decided not to have the surgery, if you want to get a sense of how it might affect your character’s day to day life.

Wait, so how tall is modern small Steve Rogers? 

You can see in this article that gains in height post scoliosis corrective surgery/spinal fusion varies, but the mean was 27 mm (1 inch) and the maximum was 66 mm (2.5 inches). 

The more severe the curve in the spine, the more height gained with surgery. 

We know Steve had scoliosis, we don’t know how severe it was (do we?). But if he was 5’4” without spinal fusion, and with all of his childhood fevers, and possible poor nutrition due to the Great Depression and untreated stomach ulcers, then it’s very reasonable that a modern Steve raised with proper nutrition and his gastrointestinal issues (see below!) properly treated and a spinal fusion could be easily 1-10 inches taller. 

I think it’s great if you want to write modern Small Steve as 5’4” - but I tend to write him as 5’7” or so. 

I think it is entirely likely that a modern Steve Rogers could end up being 6 feet tall given modern medical intervention and a healthy digestive system and adequate nutrition. As an example of how people with more or less the same genetics having different heights due to environmental factors, I know of one family of four brothers that immigrated from Italy in the 40s. Their height was 100% correlated to their age when they moved to the US/started having access to food: the oldest brother was around 5’4” and the youngest around 6 feet. The oldest was also a chain smoker and worked full time from around age 8, so you know, he was a fucking badass 5'4" Italian guy, if that's not clear.

What about fallen arches? 

Fun story, but I have fallen arches/flat feet and had a lot of foot pain as a kid, but I thought it was normal. I wear custom orthotics and/or birkenstocks and do exercises to strengthen my feet muscles and it's fine now as long as I remember to do the things I just mentioned. My dad had to have multiple surgeries on his feet, so I think it helped that they caught it earlier in me. 

Should I write modern non-serum Steve as deaf? 

Maybe! I think it’s lovely when people write characters with hearing issues. There are great blogs that cover ways to do that well (a good link, another one, and another one and I think this one on hearing aids is particularly good if you are trying to bring in subtle day to day routine differences a character that wears hearing aids may have. Another great option is, again, reddit, especially for questions around how sexual intimacy might vary in small ways that can be nice to bring in. (I am working on a fic with a seeing character whose ex is blind and also read a lot of couples first hand experience with sexual intimacy around that dynamic on reddit). 

But how likely is it that modern Steve would be deaf? 

I think that it’s reasonably likely that Steve’s hearing issues were a result of Scarlet Fever, which is a bacterial infection that can result in rheumatic fever, an inflammatory condition that develops in more severe cases of scarlet fever. 

Scarlet fever caused deafness - in fact, both Helen Keller and Thomas Edison had hearing loss due to scarlet fever infections. Further, sustained fevers of over 104 degrees can also cause hearing loss, so there is a reasonable chance that some other fever caused Steve’s hearing issues. 

Today, the kind of hearing loss caused by fevers and infections can usually be surgically repaired or never occur because we have better antibiotics and better medicines to treat fevers. However, I have a friend who has partial hearing loss and lots of other life long nervous system and fatigue issues due to complications from childhood chicken pox in the 80s (this vaccine came around in 1995).

I don’t know if it’s canon or fanfiction, but I often see Steve as having one bad ear. For what it’s worth, hearing loss in one ear is much less common than hearing loss in both ears. 

However, potential causes of hearing loss in one ear are infections that result in a high fever and some kind of head trauma, both of which are easy to imagine would have affected a Steve born in 1918, and while possible in a modern Steve, also easier to avoid. 

Heart Stuff: Heart arrhythmia, High blood pressure, Palpitation of pounding in heart, Easy fatigability

The aforementioned fevers that can cause hearing loss can also cause heart issues. I think it’s reasonably likely that Steve’s heart issues were from his fevers as a young kid, but I often write him with a congenital heart defect, because why not? 

These days, most of the time, such issues are detected at or before birth and fixed when the person is a baby, but there are plenty of heart issues that can require multiple heart surgeries at various points. Regardless, a modern Steve would most likely either have had access to corrective surgery or medication to manage these heart conditions. Which is not to say that he wouldn’t suffer mental and physical trauma from this medical complication. 

There are plenty of professional athletes you can find who have all of the above heart issues. And plenty of people with heart issues who have no interest in being professional athletes, so like, follow your bliss. 

Digestive System Stuff: Easy fatigability, Stomach ulcers, Pernicious anemia

I have easy fatigability under heart stuff too, because lots of shit can make you tired. 

My personal head canon is that Steve Rogers has celiac disease and/or lactose intolerance, it would cause all of the above. Both can also lead to poor growth - in fact falling off growth charts is one of the most common symptoms of celiac disease in children. 

While people have been aware of celiac disease since there were people, gluten wasn’t identified as the clear cause till the 50s. 

I typically write modern Steve with some kind of food allergy, and I think that addresses quite a few of his canon medical complications. 

Because so many causes of this category of symptoms are relatively easily solved with modern medical intervention/avoiding the problem, I would point folks towards Crohn’s disease if you are looking to write a modern character with medical issue that is more likely to be an ongoing source of similar medical complications today.

(Also, kids with Crohn’s are likely to have reduced height. I have a friend who has Crohn's whose 3 siblings are well over 6 feet and he is around 5'8" (so 4-6 inches aka 11+ cm shorter due to his severe childhood illness).)

Nervous trouble of any sort

Kids with medical complications and food allergies are much more likely to have anxiety. I’m so proud of all the kids making it through the day with anxiety. Luff you anxiety kids, I see you working twice as hard to be present as the non-anxious kids. Tough as hell. Give yourself a high five. I’m so damn proud of you.

Sinusitis and Frequent colds

I mean, god bless modern decongestants and allergy meds. Celiac disease and lactose intolerance can both cause sinus issues, so here is another one of Steve's ailments that can be "cured" through that diagnosis.

Other stuff

When you look at the above, you can see a lot of scenarios where modern era Steve, like many children/adults today, had multiple surgeries and serious and scary health complications as a child, but as an adult would appear as a relatively healthy able bodied person, with the possibility of even becoming a top athlete if he was so inclined.  It’s also likely that some issues like chronic fatigue etc, might linger into adulthood as relatively invisible illnesses that nonetheless affect his everyday. 

In some ways his character arc given the advances of modern medicine could mimic his arc due to the serum. 

Being medically complicated as a kid sucks. Even if you have surgeries to treat and/or learn how to live with things like Crohn’s and celiac and reduce flare ups, lingering mental health trauma can have an impact. 

Lastly and most importantly, I have a personal headcanon that young Steve Rogers of any era spent a lot of time sick in bed and staring into a mirror learning how to raise one eyebrow and perform other eyebrow gymnastics so he could more effectively sass his nurses. 

IN CONCLUSION:

I think it's actually reasonable for an author to say, "My modern Steve never had any fevers, and got his severe lactose intolerance diagnosed as a baby, and had good nutrition, had medications/clean environment that prevented his asthma."

So this Steve is 6 feet tall and healthy as long as he doesn't eat dairy and takes his daily zyrtec (cetirizine - it's an allergy med). The only medical issue he has from canon left is scoliosis, flat feet, and an astigmatism.

You can also choose to write a Steve with more complex medical issues, and there are lots of things that can be good and interesting and value about that. I think the main thing is to pick a diagnosis and write it realistically, hopefully this helps some with that!

[frequent-demisexual-distress]

Bowser x Reader - Expectations

You might not expect it on your first look at the massive koopa, but you’d come to find that he was quite a gentleman. Bowser was, after all, a monarch and ruled his own nation - sure, he may have ruled it primarily as a warlord, but the point still stands. For example, despite his size, whenever he was in your presence, he walked smoothly. It was evident that he took great care to ease his rumbling gait into something more slow and steady for you - the last thing he ever wanted was to frighten you, and he always did his utmost to cater to your comfort. 

However, when you told him that you wanted children of your own, suffice it to say he lacked composure.

He was flabbergasted, first. He just stared at you, unblinking for a moment, as you brushed your hair in your, now shared, bedroom vanity. “I know it’s a lot to ask - and believe me, I love Junior with all of my heart and consider him my child as much as he’s yours,” You reaffirm to him with a tired smile and somewhat defeated sigh, turning slightly to face him. “It’s just, I’ve always wanted to have the full parental experience with a child of my own, too!” 

He’s silent, and you notice that he’s standing now, and his gaze has shifted away from you, locked on the floor ahead of your shared bed. Your weak smile falters and you try to will away the feeling of shame bringing heat to your face, looking away from him again. You had been afraid to bring it up - not because you feared him, but because you never wanted to make him feel that he or Junior weren’t enough for you. You had simply been hit hard with those parental pangs as of late, and they didn’t seem to cease on their own as they used to - and, presumptuous though it may have been, part of you had dared to hope that he’d feel the same way, or at least been happy that you wanted that experience with him. 

His hard, contemplative stare into nothing did little to comfort you; you knew he wasn’t acting maliciously, though. Open expression was something that he took very seriously, and he was meticulous in his choice of words and actions (you knew that this was in part due to your relationship, and in part due to his very problematic past “relationship” with the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom). He was thinking hard and trying his best to choose an appropriate response that would be honest and direct while still being caring - something you did truly appreciate about him. Still, the anticipation could be very difficult.

Finally, as you sit on your side of the oversized bed and carefully extend a hand to rest on one of his, he looks at you; it’s clear that he’s troubled, though with what part specifically you can’t be sure. “Y/N..” He began, voice low and tone soft, though never lacking it’s signature reverb, “I.. Do you think I could be a good father?”

You almost gasp aloud at his question, and at how quickly his expression shifts into one of shame and anxiety. He pulls his hand away and begins fidgeting with his claws - scraping them against one another seemed to be a method of self-soothing for him; whether he preferred the sensation or the almost blade-like sound more, you weren’t sure. 

“King Bowser Koopa!” You start, voice concerned and half-chastising. You stand up on your bed, wobbling slightly (only to be steadied by massive but considerate hands).”You already are a good father! You are Junior’s world!” you exclaim, running a hand through his hair and stroking the scales of his large head soothingly, “We both love you more than anything - but if you don’t believe me, just ask Kamek! Even his uptight shell can tell what an amazing father you are!” 

His eyes close and he exhales slowly, leaning into your touch and gently pulling you closer. “Thank you.. I just.. I remember my own childhood - my own father,” He explains quietly, his voice sharp with bitterness at a burden that no one should have to bear, especially a child. You press a feather-light kiss to his snout, prompting him to look up at you again. You nod, and he returns it, accepting your silent invitation to continue. “I think the only thing I’ve ever feared is becoming half as bad a parent as he was,” He finally mumbles out, eyes flitting to yours, searching for something behind your beautiful irises.

You climb into his lap, taking him quite by surprise, before hugging his large chest as tightly as you could. “My sweet Bowser - you’re already twice the father he could have ever dreamed of being, just by being you,” You say, voice radiating a much needed warmth of comfort through the cold-blooded king’s heart. “And if you ever doubt that, you take one look at the happy, healthy prince that you single-handedly raised for so long,” You continue, leaning back just enough to meet his gaze, “If we never had a child of our own, I would be still be more than content just to be your partner, and to be in Junior’s life.”

He blinks furiously, big bulbous tears beginning to form at the corners of his eyes, but before he can raise a fist to rub them away, you raise a smaller hand to gently wipe them away as they begin to slide down his cheek. Instead, he uses that larger hand to hold your own close to his cheek, offering him some stability as quiet sobs choke their way out of his throat. Crying was still hard for him, but he had come so far in the time that you’d been together; you couldn’t be more proud of him.

You were just about to suggest that the two of you cuddle for a while when your bedroom door crashes open - the culprit being none other than your stepson; he looked so much like his father, except when he cried, at least at home, he did little to hide it. You coo quietly at him and extend your arms, still in your husband’s lap, encouraging the sobbing boy to join you. 

“Junior, baby, what’s wrong?” you ask, making sure to cradle his spiky shell carefully while you wiped at his tears; grateful for you taking the lead, you observe your partner wiping his eyes hastily before clearing his throat.

“I-I had a ni-ightmare,” the smaller terrapin forces out, hiccuping through his words. “No-no one was he-ere, an-and I was being chased by-y monsters!”

You frown and offer him quiet comforts, petting his head and rubbing his shell, when you feel your husband’s large arms squeezing the both of you firmly. “I’m sorry, Junior,” He rumbles, voice confident but caring, “But that’s the thing with nightmares - they aren’t real. Y/N and I would never ever let any monsters chase you. If they did, we’d never let you face them alone.”

The boy nods and, still fighting hiccups, asks how many monsters his dad had beaten up before - and you smile wide, fighting a giggle as Bowser easily slips into a grand persona who had apparently slain too many monsters to count, telling his son any number of questionable but entertaining and impressive tales. Now and then the boy would look to you, asking if it were true or looking for some form of affirmation, and of course you gave it each time, even adding some details to the stories now and again. 

Watching your husband stumble and quickly improvise to add in your contributions was amusing enough on it’s own, but when his son falls asleep in the both of your arms, watching how hesitant he is to move at all is almost even more entertaining.

Eventually, you’re able to get him to lay back and prop your stepson in the middle of the bed. You turn out the lights and kiss both of their foreheads before climbing onto your side of the large bed. As you close your eyes, and slowly feel yourself slipping into sleep, you hear the unmistakable chur from your husband’s chest and a quiet promise in his deep voice, “I think we should give Junior a sibling, my dear Y/N - whether we adopt or conceive somehow, I swear that I’ll meet your expectations.”

It seemed he thought you asleep, so it made sense that he’d stiffen when you responded quietly, “You already have, my love.”

[hhighkey]

Hi, I heard you asking for a random headcanon so I would like to give it a try. It's a Jujutsu Kaisen headcanon about how protective they were of their S/O

AN// haha i love this i love picturing these types of scenarios,, sorry for the wait! let me know if you want anymore if anyone wants a part 2 with more :)

JJK HEADCANONS

HOW PROTECTIVE THEY ARE

With Megumi, Gojo, Nanami

Fushiguro Megumi

he’s protective

he’s a teen boy in school that sees death on a daily

he’s dealt with a lot with family, harsh views from many as he’s been (imo) groomed for certain things that he’s trying to break free of and figure himself out

he may not know how to show you he loves you

he’s not great with words

he’s good with death stares and brooding moods

he’s good with avoiding you when he’s upset because he doesn’t know how to talk about it

if you’re a sorcerer he prefers to be paired up with you just in case

if you’re not- he wants people checking up on you

he needs to see you every night to see you’re alive and breathing

will end up being harsh or rude- getting upset if you act out or do something he deems dangerous. Will lecture you because he’s scared

he gets mad because he’s scared and doesn’t know what to do

is the type that if you’re trying to go somewhere at night will stop you edward cullen shit bye (but really why do i see him like this)

absolutely stands guard of your home or dorm at night imo

it ends up with you having to calm him down a lot

incapable of understanding you having male friends as he’s worried (not that he doesn’t trust you)

will not fall asleep until you’re asleep typa guy

buys you coffee, books, etc because he wants you to be happy

you’re the only person he can show his true emotions to so he’s scared he’ll lose you at any second

needs affirmations to remind him he’s the one for you

and if his family or any curses try to use you against him- they better watch out

Gojo Satoru

i’m not sure how popular my opinion on him is but this is how i see it

will kill anyone if they hurt you

will absolutely go to hell and back, destroy the world if he had to

no survivors type situation if need be

absolutely flips a switch, his strongest jutsu raining down hell

all because he loves you

gojo seems like the issue- nonchalant, childish, problematic with his teaching… until it strikes a chord with him

and you’re that chord

the light of his life

he knows your boundaries and what you’re capable of

will laugh as a guy or girl tries to hit on you and you just brush them off- but will step in as he sees things get out of hand

it’s like a dark glimmer appears in his eye as anyone messes with you

because you’re his

normally he takes his time handling issues, acting cool and unworried

but he is protective over you

even if you’re a sorcerer he’s like you’re weak compared to me ofc i’m going to help - I see him as someone when it comes to a s/o that will view them as weak and use that to his advantage

and if you’re a non-sorcerer I see it being even worse

because i see him as fun, a laughable guy to be able to go out with

but personally i see there being something darker when it comes to dating that he’s too much with you

ie. not meeting geto anywhere near you regardless of their friendship

wanting you’re location at all time

not letting you take jobs he deems too dangerous and does them himself

but otherwise he’s just an annoying ass man that doesn’t take anything serious but your safety

so i’m sure that causes plenty of fights :)))

tho i can imagine arguments with him being more frequent than with most

have fun!

Nanami Kento

i have a harder time with him

he would be a very serious partner

but he’s always looking out for you

he’s the type to be protective from afar- like observational protectiveness

you almost don’t even know, he does it from afar as he wants what’s best for you

protective in small ways like walking on the outside, handling hot items or knives whilst cooking, keeping a hand on your waist at the bar, taking care of you when you’re sick

things casually always work out for you because of him

he’s not overbearing like the others

like you can talk to him easier if you feel like he’s been on top of you too much

he’s just concerned about you, will have serious conversations about things that worry him- ie if you’re careless

if you’re sorcerer he’ll never take over your jobs or stop you from going but he’ll be a nervous wreck if he can’t accompany you- will want to train with you so he can be sure you’re safe

he will lecture

definitely has a dad mode without realizing it

and if you’re ever seriously hurt he will not leave you’re side, doing everything so you don’t have to lift a finger, and good luck getting out of his sight

[thenightfolknetwork]

Hello, I seem to have found myself with an issue at work. My wife’s a demon. Literally. Her family hails from a realm of chaos but we met when she moved here for work. I talk about her fairly often so I had assumed all my coworkers were aware of her genus.

However, on Friday a couple of colleagues I don’t know so well pulled me aside to “discuss how I speak about my wife”. Apparently when I’ve been referring to my wife a demon they had been assuming I’m nothing more than a wife-hating misogynist. I unfortunately understand where they’re coming from; a lot of men my age do to speak poorly of their wives, but I adore mine! She’s the best thing that ever happened to me and when I call her a demon I say it with nothing but complete respect for her genus and her culture.

When they confronted me I panicked. All I could do was mutter some vague promise about doing better, then I scrambled to my car before they could say another word.

Since then I haven’t stopped thinking about what happened. Do people think I’ve been complaining about my wife for the last 20 years and have always been afraid to speak up? Or worse, do some of my acquaintances even support with that kind of behaviour?

In addition, should I speak to my colleagues about their assumptions about my wife’s genus? I’m rather uncomfortable that they heard “demon” and assumed I meant it both metaphorically and in a derogative manner. They’re generally nice people who were trying to call out what they perceived to be poor behaviour on my part. I don’t want to put them off intervening in future, but that doesn’t change their mistake now. I just don’t know what to do.

[Inspired by this post https://www.tumblr.com/acecorvid/744120113970790400]

Oh dear, reader. It sounds like you and your colleagues have got yourselves into a bit of an unnecessary muddle here. Fortunately, it's nothing a little clear communication can't help.

First of all, I absolutely agree that there is something problematic in their quickness to hear negativity and criticism in terminology relating to infernal species.

Based on the way you've spoken about your relationship here, it seems unlikely that you've been using this language while also speaking about your wife in a derogatory, dismissive way.

By failing to see these context clues and simply assuming you couldn't possibly be talking about an actual demon, your colleagues have shown their own sapio-centric bias.

At the same time, though, it's a good sign that they're willing to speak up against casual misogyny – even if their enthusiasm is, in this particular case, misplaced. You can use this good intention as a way to navigate the conversation itself.

Instead of telling them all the ways they're wrong, start off by acknowledging their efforts to push back against the patriarchy. Use this as a way to segue into the actual issue, letting them know that their willingness to speak up to you makes you feel able to correct their own misapprehension.

You don't need to belabour the point. However, I do think it's worth explicitly noting that it was a particularly unfortunate mistake to make, given how it feeds into sapio-centric culture in general and anti-infernal prejudice specifically.

Of course, this doesn't address your concerns about how you've been perceived by your friends and coworkers prior to this incident. Unfortunately, there's nothing to be done about people's past misapprehensions. At the same time, I wonder how realistic your concerns are.

You've known some of these people for 20 years. You speak about your wife often, and are supportive and enthusiastic about her culture. Presumably at some point you've mentioned engaging with her cultural practices, celebrating certain holidays and rituals, visiting family on other planes, and so on.

If anyone who's known you as long as all that still hasn't picked up on this, that's really on them.

As for worrying that you may have acquaintances who think you agree with their misogynistic views, the answer there is simple: do your actions otherwise indicate that you might be a person who would support such ideas?

If someone says or does something misogynistic in your presence, do you have the integrity to speak up about it? Are you involved in supporting equality and diversity in your workplace? Are you someone your friends and acquaintances could come to for support in the face of discrimination?

Most importantly, as the example with your colleagues demonstrates, are you a person who can hear criticism and make an effort to unlearn your own prejudices and preconceptions?

If you can answer yes to those questions, you have nothing to fear. You are already doing what you can do push back against structures of inequality and prejudice, and are in little danger of being mistaken for a bigot. And if not, you have some next steps to take on that journey.

[Clickable link to the original post]

[neverevan]

why do you ride so hard for these problematic men? first ryan and his racist anti vax ass and now lou with his ableist trump supporting? you know you can like the characters they play without riding for these grown men right? lou wasn’t hacked. why would he delete that specific instagram post if he was? why would he like his most recent like if he was hacked? why wouldn’t he say he was? you guys just like making up excuses (even ones that make no sense) to give your favs a pass and it’s weird. just admit they are human and fallible and maybe not the best people and that’s okay. you don’t need to stan these men to enjoy their characters.

okay. i'm gonna try to be patient and assume that you're here in good faith, even though I know for a fact, that you're not.

I will also ignore the Ryan thing because what do you mean "first"? I haven't even been in the fandom when that whole thing went down, but I believe in calling out bad behaviour to help people learn to do better, otherwise what's the fucking point? moving on.

so first of all, do not tell me what I should say but especially do not tell me what I should say, when I already said it word for word here:

second of all, I do not ride hard for Lou, in fact I do not ride hard for any of them. what I care about is actors (and the crew and the showrunners cough cough) not being harassed and treated like crap for doing their jobs, which, let's be real fucking honest here, the fandom has a history with, especially when it comes to love interests — as Oliver himself has pointed it out.

do I know what happened? no. do I think there are a lot of suspicious beats around the incident? yes, very much so.

btw no one would even assume hacking, if certain people could just act right. just a few weeks ago, no one could've plausibly make the claim, now however... this is what bullying and harassing and making fake accounts and so on births, this is all on the fandom. if not for that shitty behaviour, this would be much more clean-cut.

if it was him; he deleted it immediately which tells me that he's at least aware of how it reflects on him, if not how and why posting something like that is not okay. we can't be responsible for other people's values, but can only hope for them to always try to do better. and that's just step one.

the thing is, if we as a fandom can collectively ignore other things that have been deleted by other cast members, then instead of making a spectacle out of this, we can all just hope that it's a beginning of a learning curve.

anyway. do not come into my inbox — on anonymous, no less — to try to police what I say on my own blog. I always choose my words very carefully and I never claimed to know exactly what happened and as a rule of thumb, I don't allow myself more than a certain amount of time a day to dwell on these type on things (that time for today is up with this ask, by the way), because I'm in the fandom for fun and when it's no longer fun, I just leave.

but it's my blog and I will post what I think and if you don't like that; no one is forcing you to see it. unfollow and block and have a nice day.

[stay-mon-army]

Cuddles and Chaos

Word count: 1,359 words

Warning(s): None that I can think of?

Pairing: Fuma/Yuma/K/Nicholas x gn!reader (mostly platonic)

Note: I wrote this for a Lune friend that I made whose birthday is today! I wanted to say thank you for accepting me so quickly and sharing your crazy thoughts with me! This isn't my best work, but I wanted to write you a little something special! I hope you can see my vision here! I hope even more that you had a wonderful birthday and that you know that there are people out there who get really excited to interact with you, even when they're small interactions! <3

Living with a group of boys would sound stressful to anyone, but in reality, it was a joy you couldn’t imagine living without. You had four roommates who were all boys, and unlike the lies about cleanliness, the stereotype that boy roommates are chaos incarnate was completely true – at least it was about your roommates.

K was probably the calmest of the four about 80% of the time, but it was all a ploy. He acted like a sweet, calm, gentle giant, who listens to jazz music and lights candles, but in reality, he was the quiet mastermind. He would secretly encourage all the other boys to be their most problematic selves. You were convinced it was mostly for the plot – he would often be found laughing while you fumbled to fix whatever new situation was arising from the fallout. He was lucky you loved the sound of his laugh or you would’ve throttled him by now.

Yuma was the biggest instigator – he loved getting a rise out of you and would often push buttons, cause little inconveniences, and all around created chaos in the hopes that he would be able to get your attention for just a little while longer. He was exactly like a cat in that regard; if it wouldn’t make a terrible mess, you’re convinced he would have started knocking things off the counter and shelves if it meant you’d look at him a little longer. Not that you needed much encouragement to do that, seeing how his smile was enough to blind the sun itself. You were lucky to have such gorgeous roommates.

Nicholas was a similar breed to Yuma, although on the calmer side for sure. If Yuma was an orange cat, Nicholas was the black cat of the house, no doubt. You could often find Nicholas lounging just on the fringes of whatever activity was going on, watching and waiting for his moment to strike. Don’t get him wrong, he loved to laugh and spend time with all of you, but nothing was more hilarious to him than getting a rise out of one of the boys or you. He often picked fun, making jokes about someones mistakes or bickering over useless things, as though he loved watching others get worked up further and further. He would always make it up to you though; he was a cuddler and a gift giver, meaning you would often find little trinkets and gifts left in your room seemingly at random, and fighting off his random attacks of love was a nearly impossible feat.

Fuma was the only genuinely quiet one. He didn’t tend to fall for Nicho’s attempts at verbal back-and-forth and he was basically the dad of the group – always making sure everyone is fed, happy, unharmed, and entertained. He could disappear for hours at a time playing his games, face glued to his switch screen. When you weren’t sure where he was, he was either there or hidden away in his room, watching the newest anime on the TV in his room. Sometimes, if you were real lucky, he would invite you in to watch along with him, curled underneath the piles of Pokemon plushies that the man seems to hoard. The only downside to Fuma was that if you managed to get him talking? He would not. Stop. Talking. You swore, he almost didn’t need breath! He could talk your ear off for hours, and getting him to stop or trying to run away will only result in pouting, childish sulking, and a lot more talking.

Nevertheless, the boys were all sweet at heart and wanted nothing more than your attention. Everyone in the house had their own room, so you were able to get some alone time away from the chaos whenever you needed, and the boys were good about listening to you when you shared what you did or didn’t need at any given point. They were all relatively clean, helped contribute to food and rent, and were truly hilarious to watch go at each other.

One of your favorite parts of living with the boys was the monthly game and movie night that you all had. You would all congregate in the living room with blankets, pillows, games, movies, and your energy. You would play games until you got too tired or (more often) you had to break up the biggest argument about cheating or slander.

Tonight was one such night, so you had spread out blankets and pillows to create a giant bed on the floor for the chaos to happen upon. You had snuggled down amongst the comfort with your favorite drink, sitting back to watch your favorite boys. Usually, you would jump right in the action as well. However, a tough day full of annoyances at work and unnecessary drama left you horribly drained of energy to keep up with the energetic balls of chaos you called your roommates.

Instead, you rested back against Fuma’s wide chest; your head slotted perfectly against one shoulder as his hands ran shapes across your legs and waist. Every so often, he leans down to press a kiss against the crown of your head or whisper some sweet-nothing into your ear. You wonder how you haven’t fallen asleep yet – that is, until a new piercing shriek fills the air.

Ah yes, your other lovely boys.

You watch as Yuma launches himself across the game board at Nicho. K howls with laughter, falling onto his back with the force of it. Yuma is sprawled across Nicho’s body, pretending to wrap his hands around Nicho’s neck while Nicho thrashed and shrieked.

You can feel the rumble of laughter from Fuma behind you as he pulls you tighter back against him. You take a sup of your drink to hide your smile.

Finally you speak up, getting the boys attention, Yuma doesn’t move from on top of Nicho, both simply turning their heads to face you. K sits up, brushing away tears and swallowing small giggles.

“Let’s call it a tie and move on to movies, okay?” You suggest, reaching over to pluck a random discarded movie off the floor.

“Only if I get head pats this time.” Yuma pouts, blinking tears into his eyes for prime puppy dog eyes.

“You always get head pats.” K lightly pushes Yuma’s head. Yuma’s head whips around to scowl at K, who sticks his tongue out at him.

“Yes, you can get head pats. Now calm down.” You laugh at the antics, especially as Yuma turns to cheese at you, flashing his snaggletooth at you.

Yuma bounds over, slamming down beside you to press his face against your thigh. The moment your hand that isn’t holding your drink touches Yuma’s hair, you can feel the vibrating hum that Yuma releases. K stands, takes the movie that you have since dropped back beside you, and goes back to the tv to put the movie in. Nicho crawls over after Yuma, laying on your other side to lay his head against your other thigh. He uses his head to push Yuma over slightly who glares at him, before laying back down on your lap. When K finally sets up the movie and turning off the lights, he settles behind Nicho, back by Fuma. He lays his head on Fuma’s other shoulder. He reaches out his hand, unapologetically grabbing your drink from your hand, moving it out of the way so he can hold your hand instead.

You settled in for the movie, warming up under the weight of your roommates cuddled against you from all sides. You couldn’t imagine living your life without every single one of the boys surrounding you – they made you laugh, helped you forget any of your problems, and were possibly more obsessed with you than you were with them. Tired and comfortable, all 5 of your ended up falling asleep before the movie ended. That was how most of these nights ended, but you wouldn’t have had it any other way. You couldn’t wait for the next game/movie night were hopefully you would have more energy to engage in their hellish chaos.

[icedmatchatae]

Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter VI: Why I Love You

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: Flashback fluffs, kdrama references, talks of plants, idk teenage Tae hit for me in this, but adult Tae rn ????, some swearing here and there, the plot thickens and PAIN

Word Count: 13.8k

Chapter VI: Why I Love You || Series Masterlist

“You practically live in my room with all the clothes you leave here.” Taehyung entered his bedroom carrying an extra pillow and blanket. He saw you in your daisy pajama set you received on your birthday from his parents. You sat on his full-sized bed on the right side while having his laptop on your lap. “And be careful with that! It cost a whole fortune.”

“Same goes for you. Half of my drawers are your clothes.” You muttered as you typed something on his screen. “I am also careful. I’m just trying to find a movie that we could watch.”

Ever since Taehyung got gifted a laptop for Christmas, it was practically yours as well considering how much time you’ve spent on it. He didn’t mind though, he loved sharing with you, and oftentimes, you needed it for school.

He opened up the blanket before wrapping it around you, then putting the cushion behind your back although you wouldn’t really need it since you always ended up cuddling to his side. “You wanna watch Spirited Away? Or maybe Princess Mononoke?” You asked when he sat beside you on the left and wrapped his arm around your waist.

Pecking your temple, he rested his chin on your shoulder. He tilted his head to the side as he stared in awe at you. But it went unnoticed as you scrolled through the illegal website you found weeks back. “What do you wanna watch, Blue? I’ll watch anything.”

A spark of mischief appeared in your lively irises. “Really?” You said before changing the entire website in light speed before your actual want popped up.

“Really, Boys over Flowers again? This is like the fourth time you’ve watched the entire series when it came out!” Taehyung whined. He only did so because when you’ve watched it four times, he too watched it four times. All the time. He pulled you back to the bed frame while you brought the computer with you. “Why do you love this so much?” Despite all the complaining and nagging, he obliged hopelessly to the viewing of tonight’s entertainment. 

“I read the manga.” You shrugged. “I love the main guy too.” Your heart fluttered envisioning you and Gu Junpyo together.

Taehyung rolled his eyes and suppressed the pinch of jealousy running through his veins. “He’s such a dick to her though. Don’t fall for guys like that.”

“Nuh-uh! He actually cares for her, he just doesn’t know how to express them well…” You defended your celebrity crush as you played an episode. You placed the laptop in between your bodies before snuggling into Taehyung with your leg over him.

“Whatever, if you really do fall in love with some asshole, I will beat him up.” Taehyung scoffed to which you giggled. He hooked under your leg, bringing it closer and in a comfier position. “I never want you to be treated like Jandi. He tormented her!”

“So what guy should I fall for?” You asked nonchalantly. You reached for his hand to intertwine them with yours, laying it on his chest.

“Someone who will give you unconditional love and won’t intentionally hurt you, Blue.” He murmured into your supple hair. While you carelessly played with his hand, he fluttered his kisses into your strands.

The conversation died from there as the both of you watched the episode, but halfway through the show, he heard your soft snoring. The side of your cheek squished up onto his torso. You let go of his hand minutes back so you could wrap an arm over him. You were such a koala, but he loved it. That’s why he grew to love cuddling so much.

Taehyung chuckled at your slumbering form. He closed his laptop and moved it to the bed stand so that you could properly sleep. There he turned the lamp light off, darkness spilled over his room. He shifted you to your side before doing it to himself, separating your bodies.

But you let out a tiny whimper, losing the warmth. Your best friend hushed you as he circled his arms around your waist, pulling you in. The distance between you closed with your fronts touching. You latched a leg in between his and cozied up onto him.

“Night, Hyungie.” You mumbled, air-kissing him when you dozed off again. He laughed quietly at how needy you looked.

He leaned in to peck the tip of your nose, watching you sleep in his arms as always. Though the only light came through the small window, he clearly saw your beautiful resting face. The warmth in you outstretched the vicinity and onto him A true sight for him to see. He never got tired of this view—having you here with him in his arms. Nobody else in the world could break you apart. He wanted to stay like this forever and will make it happen. He was head over heels. He loved you. He loves you.

He truly was in love with you.

-

Taehyung stared exhaustedly at his ceiling. He hadn’t been having intense schedules for a while, yet he was still the same amount of tiredness. But he couldn’t find it in himself to close his eyes and let sleep take over his body. Maybe it was all the thoughts running through his mind, following him from left and right. The gears of his brain worked despite the tranquility of the night and the calmness of the air.

He lay on the right of the bed, craning his neck to the left of him to see his curled-up girlfriend sleeping like a log. She faced her body toward him, staying close as she dreamed away about God knows what. Yet the distance was evident, limbs weren’t sticking together. It felt cold to the touch, but he wasn’t at all fazed. He glanced absently at her snoozing features, holding no impressions.

His eyes shifted back to the unusually fascinating white ceiling as his mind began to think of you. It has been a couple of weeks since Jungkook’s party. The morning after, the guests recovered from the hangover after the headache-infused Jungkook bought everyone piping hot stews. You arrived in the kitchen quietly, back into your previous night’s dress as you went down to the dining room.

You waved shyly before announcing your departure, skipping the free meal. But Jungkook was adamant about letting you take it to go, so you accepted it as you said your goodbyes left. That was the last time Taehyung saw you.

It wasn’t on purpose though, there was an increase in schedules for them, having a few group meetings and conferences to do despite the pause on BTS’s music. In between those times, he had to go to his sessions. He’d text every now and then to check up on you, but you usually replied late since you were busy. But that was okay, you confirmed that you had eaten and slept well.

Tomorrow—well, technically, today—would be his first day off in a while, and messaged you a suggestion earlier at night if you wanted to spend it with him. It was a Sunday, so he knew you were off. You haven’t spent time alone together at all since the reunion, so he assumed this was the perfect opportunity. 

He could have asked Clara, but she had family business so he canceled the offer.

You still haven’t responded, so he was getting frantic if you’d ignore him. Though you reassured him that you wanted him in your life again, Taehyung still had this unconscious belief and fear that you would take it back. He knew that you wouldn’t think that way, but it was the evil side of his mind playing with him.

Maybe he should mention you to his therapist, he somehow managed to talk over or change the subject about any updates. Besides sharing light memories with his friends, he kept any thoughts of you to himself like before. It worked in the past, but look where that led him. Now everything about you ate him alive, yet he couldn’t be more grateful for it.

Damn, he really did need help.

Dr. Im wasn’t going to judge him otherwise that was unprofessional. He still thought about it. Perhaps the idol was scared that his doctor disclosed something in him that he wouldn’t want to hear…or afraid to hear in a sense. There were certain pieces of information no one but he knew about and it stayed that way. However, sooner or later, it had to be revealed but Taehyung didn’t know how to do it.

As his angels answered his prayers, his phone lit up on the bedside drawer. Reaching out to it, his eyes adjusted to the blue light then sparkled in joy when he saw replied. It read—

Sure, I don’t mind. You’re in luck that I’m giving myself a break from studying. 

Senselessly and ignoring the fact that it was one in the morning, his thumbs worked their magic to message you saying to get ready by ten. You texted instantly agreeing with no other questions, making the sides of his lips curl in excitement. He locked his phone and placed it back in its original position.

He dozed off satisfied and thrilled for the morning.

-

Taehyung arrived in the kitchen, fully dressed in his casual attire—a brown suit paired with his black shoes with the backing pushed down. He whistled whimsically as he found Clara also dressed for the day in her black business attire.

“You seem cheery today, baby.” She smiled as she went up to kiss his cheek. The idol paid no attention to her affection and lets it be. But she scuffled his hair to which he screeched as a complaint.

“Don’t mess it up!” Taehyung whined, despite making it messy to give the effortless look. Patting his wild strands down, Clara giggled amusingly as she clutched her handbag on the kitchen counter.

“You’re dressed nicely, do you have another schedule?” She wondered before pulling out a small mirror and her lip tint.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, seeing another text from you that you were on your way. “No, it’s my day off.”

She lavished the wand on her lips, coating it in a soft pink. “Aww, really? If I had known, I would have taken the day off too.”

“It’s fine. Isn’t it important anyway?” He shrugged as he messaged you to be safe, settling it down on the kitchen island.

The socialite sighed in response, “Yeah, it’s a soft launch of our collaboration with another company. My dad wanted you to come, but I told them you had work.”

“Thanks for taking me out then.” He mentioned with a smirk. “Parties like that are boring.”

“Don’t remind me.” She rolled her eyes. “Love my family but I cannot bear to hear another generic speech from them.” She shoved her items back into her purse and observed her boyfriend, who was in a lighter mood today. “So how come you’re dressed up? And shocking in a good mood.”

The idol rolled his eyes as he eyed her back. “Is it shocking that I’m like this?”

“Yes, because you’re usually sour.”

Taehyung grimaced at her reply, a tad offended. He didn’t want to ruin his attitude because of her. “I’m going out with ___. Haven’t been able to see her since the party.” There was a pinch in Clara’s face when he announced his day. She peered at her boyfriend with narrowed eyes, almost like slits. Taehyung challenged her stare with a rather mundane and relaxed look. He cocked an eyebrow, muttering the word, “What?”

“Just you and her? Is Seojoon Oppa or Wooshik Oppa coming?” She inquired, hands resting on her hips.

“Just us two, like old times.” Taehyung simply answered. “We haven’t hung out in a while.”

“Yes, you have.”

“Besides the party and going to her work isn’t hanging out.” He countered as he grabbed his keys.

“You’re really making an effort to spend time with her.” The socialite pointed out as she went towards the fridge to obtain a water bottle.

“Well, everyone knows, including you, that we had a falling out, so we wanted to catch up.”

“Are you free tonight? Maybe we can have dinner together.” Clara offered. “We’ll even purchase extra sides of japchae for you.”

“I guess so?” The idol was iffy on it. “Depends how long I’ll be out with ___.”

“Wha-where are you even going with her anyway?”

His phone vibrated, with your contact name popping up. You were here and quickly pocketed his phone. “Not sure, but she’s still new to the city. I might take her to the park or a village, she loves gardens too so we’ll see. Maybe even to a cat cafe, she loves animals.”

Taehyung blabbered on, listing some suggestions, while Clara stood there listening to activities she used to ask him to do. “Whatever, you both don’t do, let’s go together.” She insisted with a gentle smile.

The idol blinked at her, forcing the curves of his mouth to go up before nodding. “We can.” Clara couldn’t tell as she clapped enthusiastically, but it was an empty promise. “She’s here, so I’m heading out.” He began walking away.

“Oh, I’ll follow you out. I have to go soon too.” The socialite trailed beside him. “Tannie was also picked up by Hyungsik for a dog date.”

Once the front door opened, a gust of wind splashed the couple’s faces. The early signs of the fall season were showing with the cooling breeze, partly cloudy and sunny skies, and change in color of the once green summer, creating the perfect weather. You waited by the walkway of the porch. You sported a buttoned-down light mocha v-neck dress over a rustic cardigan. You paired on the same pair of heels from the party. Hair was straightened this time with little to no makeup on, maybe curled your lashes and tinted your lips but that was about it.

Taehyung smiled at your presence as he jogged down to your stature. You waved at him before noticing Clara too, so you greeted her as well. “Hi Clara, are you coming too?”

The socialite puts on a smile and shook her head, “No, I have some family business to do.”She noticed the similarities to your wardrobe, but you both didn’t bother to notice. “But I hope you both have fun, okay? Tae, text me anything fun.“

Taehyung looked distracted, not even hearing what his girlfriend said. You nudged him and motioned towards Clara that she spoke to him. He turned back to see her and brainlessly nodded, “Have fun at work!” He grabbed your wrist as he unlocked the car. He basically dragged you into the vehicle as he didn’t want any more interactions happening between you and her.

Clara watched his car take off with you waving back and Taehyung ignoring her entire presence. As the vehicle grew smaller and finally out of sight, the socialite grimaced. Clenching her jaw, she had many thoughts going on and was suspicious of him, especially with you. She doesn’t know if she liked it or not, but one thing was for sure, she reached for her phone and sent a message.

-

“Taehyung, we’ve been driving for over an hour.” Looking through the tinted windows, you watched cars passing by and disrupting your view of the water. This was maybe the third bridge he drove through. But instead of coming out into a city, a small town came into your vision with many small businesses ahead.

“I don’t like being in Seoul as often as you think. There’s a place I know of that you might like. Plus, fewer people recognize me or just leave me alone compared to the city.” You stayed silent and nodded, but he knew you listened carefully. “Hmmm, you don’t like my driving?” He merely questioned as he took a left turn. “I would assume with the excellent music playlist and scenery would have you enjoying the ride.”

“Well, this is the first time I’ve seen you driving, let alone be in a car with just you.” You stated, turning back to see him focus on the road. You noticed how he removed his blazer and rolled up his sleeves. His veins were visibly seen through his honey skin. He only used one hand and held the steering wheel at the very bottom. “I’m not complaining though.”

The idol snuffed, glancing at you quickly before staring forward. “Must be weird then. We would used to walk, take the bus, or the train together.”

“Not weird…just been a while.” Shaking your head, you went back to sightseeing out your passenger window.

Taehyung’s eyes constantly shifted from gawking at you to the highway. Tightening his grip on the wheel, he used his unoccupied hand to listen to an old song that came up into shuffle. At the first beat of the song, your head shot towards the stereo receiver.

You snorted, completely incredulous at the music choice. “Jesus Christ, why do you have this on your playlist?” A smile crept up as the hit of nostalgia washed your face.

His signature boxy grin came up while watching you as he shrugged, “It’s all on shuffle. I’ve never heard it in a while, so I’m surprised as you are.”

“Do you still know the lyrics?”

“Of course, I do. You made me learn it from all the times we’ve heard it.” He scoffed as if the question shouldn’t have been asked in the first place. The traffic light turned red, making the vehicle at a stop.

“Well, let’s put it to the test then!” You challenged before amplifying the volume.

You both then sang the lyrics to the song, “Almost paradise!! A warmer day than the sun, the look in your eyes. It’s like having the whole world!” While at the stoplight, Taehyung finally focused his attention on the passenger’s seat to fully sing to you. “In my life!! Like a light in my weary life, you came to me and gave me love. If only I could keep it forever!”

“You are all of my love!” Taehyung sang or rather shouted.

“You are all of my life!” You continued.

“With my everything, I love you!!!” You sang together right before the light went back to green. While resuming the drive, you fell into a pit of laughter through what was once your favorite drama. You were surprisingly impressed that you remembered it, not seeing the show in ten years. But guess that’s what happens when you watched it eight times.

On the other hand, Taehyung’s body felt lighter after that. A very tiny memory was a core one at that moment, cherishing simpler times. It felt good, felt so right. The only thing he wished for was for the light to stay red a little longer. 

-

“You still love plants, right?” He asked as you both entered the establishment. Eyes sparkled in delight when you scoped the nursery filled with various plants you’ve grown to learn over the years. Ranging from foliage to blooming to only in-season ones. It was getting colder and cloudier in Korea, so there were indoor growing lights built about the jungle of greenery. “Cats too?”

The place he brought you was also part of a cat cafe, so it combined two of your favorite interests into one. Not many individuals were here at the moment as the place opened for the day not too long ago. Scanning below you, you spotted different breeds of cats walking around, playing with scattered toys, napping, and laying down on towers

“Surprise you remembered that.” You mumbled, suppressing the excitement within you when you spotted a black feline strutting up to your form. Without thought, you picked the cat up and it immediately warmed up and trusted you. You cooed at the sight of its eyes slowly closing and melting into your arms.

Taehyung’s eyes shimmered at your interaction once again. He always knew how weak you were for animals. Back in Geochang, you would pet each chicken at his grandmother’s farm and play with other neighbors’ dogs every time you walked home together. You loved them and they loved you back.

“Why would I forget these things about you?” The idol inquired as he followed behind. You were distracted by all the plants and the kitties everywhere. “Plants were your hobby and animals were your interests.”

You turned back to him with an amused grin while he cocked an eyebrow playfully at you. He then stepped forward to reach out a hand toward the black cat. His finger stroked its head, and once he got approval, he ran his hands through the ebony coating.

“You love animals too.” You spoke up as you joined him in caressing the animal in your arms. “We used to be late in elementary school because we played with Banchan along the way.” The familiar mention of the Shiba Inu that used to live in the neighborhood brought many memories between you two. If possible, the same ones replayed in your heads.

On your first day of another school year, while holding hands, you and Taehyung walked a route your grandparents made to ensure safety for a six and seven-year-old. Though you both went to the same elementary school as his younger sister and brother, Taehyung was usually the last one to get out of bed so his siblings never bothered to wait for him and left earlier. But you did, so he’d never be lonely and you loved being with him.

However, it was very dangerous because you two were easily distracted especially regarding your interests. One of them being animals. That’s where Banchan the Shiba Inu came in because you quickly noticed the dog outside, held back by his leash. You ran up to him to give him some love while Taehyung wasn’t too far behind. Once the boy scratched his tummy, Banchan licked his face jubilantly, letting out laughter from the both of you.

Eventually, the owners, who were a sweet fairly young couple, heard your giggles and told you to go to school as it was already late into the schedule but promised that you could play with their dog after school. Though they received pouts and whines, you obliged and left for the school day, then came back once the day was over.

Needless to say, it became an occurring “Banchan morning love” time followed by being late for the past month, getting light scoldings from his parents and your grandparents after getting calls from your school. But the couple was kind enough to both of you by giving every Saturday dedicated to playing with Banchan, in exchange for being punctual. This continued until the couple moved out of Geochang the next year, bidding goodbye to your furry friend.

“He was too fluffy to not pet!” Taehyung still reasoned after all those years passed. His hand dropped to his side when he found an orange feline, cautiously stalking toward him. Watching his every move, the apricot-hued animal eventually slammed its body onto the idol, making him laugh at the aggressive begging to be pet. He carried it into his arms and paced beside you. “You have this Shiba Inu just hanging outside your house. Not expecting little kids to just go and play??”

You chuckled as those words were probably verbatim of our reasonings to his parents. “We still got our way.” Whilst holding the cuddly cat buddy, you roamed around the cafe nursery. The plant selection was gorgeous and difficult to even buy just one. You would buy one, but…now wasn’t a time to be spending willy-nilly.

“Do you still have your plant collection?” Taehyung asked, recollecting the memories of you repotting, watering, and talking to your babies (what you called them).

You sighed as you grazed your thumb over a leaf of a little monstera deliciosa. “No, unfortunately, I donated them away to the children’s center back home before I left. I wasn’t able to bring them all and I knew no one would be caring for them either.”

Taehyung’s mind recaptured memories of you and your grandmother tending toward the little porch garden. He never understood the immense hobby for it, but you enjoyed your plants and with that, he used to help you every now even educating himself. There were instances where he surprised Namjoon with his vast knowledge of certain plants and the caring they needed.

However, knowing that you’ve shared this hobby with your grandmother who passed long ago, it saddened him knowing you weren’t able to continue something you loved anymore, especially when it was with your grandmother. “H-how about your grandfather? He could have taken care of them.”

Something in your eyes peeked through. No spark, no light, it was rather dark, almost solemn but obscure. Taehyung couldn’t fully comprehend what it meant. To the best of his knowledge, the look seemed similar to an occurrence when you were younger but it was hard to tell. He hated not knowing.

Yet he had to remind himself his memories with you weren’t enough to know everything about who you were now and your current situations. How you used to be doesn’t equate to who you are now. But it was hard not to.

“Uh, just too old and such.” You rushed as you paid attention to the section of Devil’s Ivy. “Plus, his focus was on the fruits and vegetables in the land. It would be too much for him to handle on top of that.” You seemed a bit frazzled when you spoke, most likely not wanting to talk anymore about it. So you decided to change the topic, “Are you getting anything?” You moved further into the back of the nursery.

“I’m fine with getting some brunch in the cafe, but did you want anything?” He asked before settling the orange cat down. You did the same to your black one but plastered a kiss on its head before letting it free with its friends. Taehyung took notice of it and a side of his lips curved up.

“Uhh, no. I’m okay.” You shook your head, continuing to stare at the beautiful Peace lily plants. They didn’t have their flowers, but they were beautiful all year round. But Taehyung trailed your line of sight at them and saw a bit of longing and want. “You know Peace lily plants, or as they are scientifically called, Spathiphyllum, are known for their air-purifying abilities, and grow in a bright spot out of direct sunlight. They’re a bringer of peace, especially when they bloom their white flowers.” You rambled on with your in-hand facts as he listened. He never really understood, but somehow absorbed it easily.

Cutting your long speech, he commented, “Weren’t these your first plant?”

Stopping your mouth from moving, you blinked at him dumbstruck at his sharp mind. “How could you ev—I got Penny before I met you!” Yes, you named your Peace lily Penny, an American name but it was so easy to remember. And yes, your Peace lily was also a girl.

“You talked to her every day since we met before we would play. You talked to me about her and how special she was, and how excited you were every time she bloomed flowers.” Taehyung listed it down humorously and you couldn’t help but be stunned that he remembered all of that at the top of his head. “Also how could I forget when you cried when she died and found out they only last three to five years.”

Jesus Christ, you too remembered that day clearly. When you were eight, Penny died on you no matter how much you talked to her and fed water to her and drooping leaves. You wept into your grandmother’s arms and then into Taehyung’s before your grandmother explained that plants like Penny don’t last as long, it was part of their cycle.

Still, you were heartbroken, so to cheer you up, Taehyung gathered his entire household and yours to make a funeral, commemorating Penny, your first plant.

“I didn’t know!” You rolled your eyes, then cringed at the thought of your utter despair for a plant. “Then again, you and I both know death loves to come my way.”

You said it as a joke, but then Taehyung’s pupils dilated even choking on his spit. He tapped on his chest harshly while you rubbed his back as a sign of concern and comfort. Once he settled down into a calmer state, you said, “Guess my dark sense of humor is surprising to you?”

Of course, it was. Death was always a sensitive topic, especially experiencing it at a young age. You whined easily when your parents were mentioned or the words “dead” or “die” came into the conversation. “More so.” Taehyung shrugged worryingly in contrast to your light demeanor.

“It’s easier to cope with it.” You hummed, playing with the Peace lily’s bright green leaves. “Death, life, and especially when the people you love aren’t your life anymore.” You glanced back at his shocked state, observing the sudden pain in his eyes. You didn’t mean to say it like that, but it became a habit that you couldn’t stop yourself to do.

Taehyung said no comment on it, seeing as how casual you looked after you said that. He lets it be and wanted to lighten the mood. He shook himself out of the shock and cleared his throat. “If you want it, I’ll buy it for you.”

“No, I wouldn’t want that.” You scoffed before rolling your eyes.

“But I want to.” He pouted before inspecting the pots of Peace lilies for the perfect one. “Consider it as a gift. I invited you out anyway.”

“Taehyung, no!”

“Why not?!”

“Buying things is too much for me…” You mumbled, now fiddling with your fingers. Hoping he would understand, you also said, “They cost too.”

He hummed in response. “Does it look like I care about the cost? I’m not bragging but I am a world star.” You furrowed your eyebrows at his haughty explanation, it was quite entertaining. He meant well, but the words weren’t supporting him. He too caught on and wanted to mentally punch himself. “No, that’s no—lemme rewind.” You chuckled softly at his tense state as you crossed your arms over yourself. “I have a bit more spending money compared to when we were teens, so I’d like to give you things that you desire and want.”

You squinted at what he said, thinking very wrongly of it. “I’m not saying that it is, but you sounded like a sugar daddy.”

He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it, not knowing how to even respond to that. But he disregarded what you said. “The point is—I want to give things. I don’t mind paying. I love giving gifts. I’m a gift giver, to my friends, and family, and that also includes you, ___.”

Your teeth were in between your lips, still, not all convinced. “I still need to pay you back for the hospital bill.”

“That’s weeks ago and I don’t recall any mentions of you paying me back.” He retorted, completely baffled by your weak reasoning. “I wouldn’t have agreed either, so let that go.”

“Bu—”

“You’ve been eyeing these plants since we came here, I know you want them.” He lifted the perfect pot of Peace lily. The pigment held the summer vibrancy despite the Fall weather coming soon. A ray of leaves fanned out happily and proudly to its blossomed curve. It was still a baby, being held from the bottom of the terracotta pot with a single hand of Taehyung’s. “Even if you say no, I’ll still get them.”

“This one you picked up does have a nice shape to it.” You pointed out, but he knew you were inching to accept his offer.

“You also can start a collection here. I’ll even help you tend to them unless you want me to.”

“You do realize plants and the care are expensive.”

“Then I’ll provide them for you.”

“Okay, that’s too mu—”

“You loved planting, ___, but you had to stop.” He blurted out, zipping up any reasoning from you. “You did it with your grandmother too, it was something you bonded together over. Something you remembered her with.” He saw your eyes move around yet still managed the gaze you gave him. “I don’t want you to lose that.”

The mentioning of your grandmother ached your heart. It has been a while since you spoke about her. The vivid images of her teaching you about all those plants popped to mind, nostalgically and memorially. It was because of her, you found this loving hobby of plant care and it was something you never wanted to let go of, even if you left for Seoul.

Your eyes watered, but not enough for them to spill. You blinked continuously as you controlled your breath. You simply nodded, completely sold on what Taehyung said. “I’ll get him.” You retrieved the pot into your two hands as you scanned your new baby.

A bright smile morphed onto Taehyung’s face as he heard little whispers from you to the Peace lily. “Him now?” You hummed as you grinned happily. “Does he have a name?”

“Don’t know…maybe after you? Tae?” You quipped to which he laughed.

“Me? Why? You never named your plants after any of us?” He chirped as he looked at the plant. “But Tae seems nice for him.”

“They are known to be dramatic.” You informed. “They droop and act like they’re dying if you don’t water them or give attention.”

“Did you just insult me?” He gasped, putting a hand over his chest as if he was offended.

“No, it’s fact.” You snorted as you carried your baby in the cafe’s direction. “I’ve seen those Run BTS episodes.” Taehyung chuckled more as he retrieved more equipment you needed into his hands and arms.

You highlighted once again that you followed the band and its entertainment beyond music. It still stunned him, but only because he didn’t think you’d do so after what happened. He even talked about it briefly before. But you said that despite the ending of your friendship, you were tremendously proud of him and his members’ success. You loved the message they conveyed and all that they’ve done to endure it.

Not enough words or presents would express his gratitude towards you. He felt undeserving of your gentle actions and affable behavior, yet he was very selfish to continue to want it. In his eyes, you were never a pushover or an attached brat. You gave all that you could to those you loved because they were who you had in life, the only ones. They were the only ones who’ve seen the vulnerability and dedication in you and you weren’t willing to spread it as often even if you did. You were needy in the best of ways because it showed you also wanted a shoulder to lean on, especially maturing at a very early age. 

There were so many things about you that screamed perfection, caring, warm-hearted, and resiliency. Just you in general, and Taehyung was eternally grateful to see it through his own very eyes as well as experience the way you gave yourself and spoke to him with so much passion and tenderness. No one was more true than you, his Blue.

In the past, there were so many reasons why Taehyung loved you, and unexpectedly—at least to him—why he hopelessly fell in love with you.

-

Knowing each other since a young age and being best friends, it was obvious how much Taehyung loved you. He always loved you, even telling it to you many times every day. It was so easy to say and he meant it. He would do anything for you. He cared and wanted to protect you. You even said it back, so it was natural to speak about love within your relationship.

However, loving and being in love was not as obvious. There was a fine line between the two that was difficult to pinpoint. It often gets the betterment of people, even when they’re older and wiser. You can bounce from one to the other all you want without realizing it, but you eventually had to choose a side.

In Taehyung’s case, he learned about this decision at the beginning of his teenage years. In his first year of high school and when he first joined his soccer club, his older players would bring up topics about sex and love more than they should. Teammates were split in half, wanting sex and wanting love. He didn’t listen as much, but he did recall somewhere along the lines of having a partner to hold and cherish eternally.

With that, he went to his father regarding the love his teammates were talking about. “Well, the definition of love is very broad and can be interpreted many ways, son.” His father, Jitae, began, cocking his head to the side in thought.

“They talked about having someone to hold and adore eternally,” Taehyung repeated from his memories.

“Hmm, so I guess my example would be me and your mom.” Jitae brought out as he clapped his hands together. “Because I love having her by my side and being by her side. I’m in love with your mom, and that will never change.”

“In love?” He questioned, not getting what that meant. “Don’t you love us? We’re your kids!”

His father laughed endearingly at his son. “Of course, I love you, and Eunjeong, and Sungyeon. I love all of you! You three gave me all the more reasons to love and stay on Earth.” He defended. “However, loving and being in love are different. The love I have for your mom is different from my love for my kids.” 

“What did you mean?”

“I certainly don’t want to go into detail, but I’m head over heels for your mom. I’ve been way before we had you three. You kids gave me a reason to stay on Earth, she gave me a reason to be alive. Every time I look at her, my heart starts racing or skips a beat. I’m deeply committed to her as she does to me. She’s my partner, my wife. She’s my connection, she makes me feel better, do greater, a comfort.” Jitae explained thoroughly. “I would do anything for her.”

While Taehyung processed these thoughts and explanations, he had certain questions. “Will I have that? Do I have that now?”

“I hope that you’ll have that.” Smiling, his father patted down his son’s hair. “And to answer your second question, you’re still young. I found your mom when we were in our 20s, so there’s a lot of time. But there are possibilities.”

“Like?”

“Well, do you have someone who you’re in love with?” Jitae picked out as he stared at Taehyung. “Having a connection, to make you feel better, do greater, your comfort. Heart skips every time. You would do anything for them.”

Taehyung had no answer as he tried his best to think with his developing adolescent brain. Jitae had a specific person in mind but decided not to say anything for his son to figure it out himself.

Time passed, yet his mind stayed stagnant with this idea. It intrigued him to an extent, wondering if he would ever have the experience of feeling how his dad felt toward his mom. He knew that he loved all around, his parents, his siblings, his friends, your grandparents, and of course, you. But the act of being in love?

He thought about what his father had told him, being connected, feeling better, and doing better. A comfort in his life, and would do anything for them. The list was easy to eliminate options. Well, there was nothing to cancel out because all those traits went straight to you. You were the first person that popped into his head.

Strange though…or rather perplexed to say the least. How would it be possible? He loved you, that was a given, but in love? You weren’t a partner or wife, you were his best friend, his Blue! Does that even suffice?  

Suddenly a realization was brought upon him. Heart beating fast, skipping beats? He doesn’t think he has ever gotten that from you. He took you into his arms many times, even intertwining his fingers together with yours. He kissed your temples, head, and cheeks. Yet nothing happened to his heart.

Maybe you weren’t the one he was in love with. His father did say that he was still young and had a lot of years ahead. Why did this even bug his mind anyway? Why was he thinking too much about this? He was a teenager; he needed to think about other things like gaming, friends, and sleep. Anything really besides love.

He did love you though and wouldn’t give up anything in the world to not have that feeling anymore.

However, it took a while for him to see how special you so were to him. And how did he find out?

You had your first crush.

It was some boy named Jinhwan in your class. He was a kind and smart boy from what you told him and even let you borrow his pen when yours ran out of ink. You partnered up with him one day on an assignment and you have gotten to know him better. Days after he kept talking to you during breaks and sometimes bypassing. Each encounter felt more whimsical and fluttering to your heart, and eventually, you realized that you had a crush on him.

However, get this—you didn’t tell Taehyung.

You surprisingly spoke to his sister, which shocked and insulted him. He didn’t understand why because he was your best friend after all. All that information was from Eunjeong who assumed that you told him. New flash, you didn’t and it flabbergasted the boy.

He felt offended that you didn’t tell him and told his sister. His sister?? Last thing he remembered he was your best friend, not her. You told him everything, you even told him when you got your first period before anyone else. Why’d you tell her and not him? 

There was a slight tinge of jealousy coursing through his body. Not sharing was partial towards his emotion, but the primary reason was the very thought of you liking another boy.

It was weird and uncomfortable for him. Like why have a crush on a boy that you met at your school? Gross. QYou practically knew nothing about him except that that Jinhyuk boy was nice, but that wasn’t even a fact and that was based on judgment by the individual. If you had a crush on someone, it should be someone that you knew for a long time, who understood you, who cherished you, who kept you in their arms at all times, and who would give the world to you. Someone like hi—

Yeah, he realized he was in love with you.

But he suppressed them right now to be upset, but not at you though. Only the fact that you didn’t tell him. Whether or not he was in love with you, but he really was, you didn’t inform him of something important that could change your life. He was about to march to your house when Eunjeong stopped him to inform him that you stayed back at school because Jinhwan asked to speak with you. Rumor has it that he was going to confess to you, indicating he too had a crush on you. Mutual pining. And that made Taehyung’s heart sink into an abysmal hole.

Fuck, it was too late.

-

Taehyung waited on the steps of your front porch, staring down at his feet. Hours passed since school ended and there was no sight of you near. He felt worried, upset, sad, and all various kinds of emotions right now, but most importantly, in love. In love with you.

Why didn’t he notice it any sooner? Then again, nothing changed between you two. Yeah, you were getting older, developing maturely and elegantly. But you were you, his Blue. He was him, your Hyungie. There was no difference within your dynamic, other than getting closer to one another as the seconds went on. So if this was true, then was he in love with you this whole time? How would that even be possible? He was a child when he met you. Yet again, he always loved you since the moment he met you.

The sound of shoes dragging along the concrete and sniffles broke his running mind. Once he raised his head, he was met with your puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Mouth quivered loosely with every rapid gasp coming out of you to stop the weeping of your cries. His mind went full alarm as he shot up from the stairs to go up to you.

With every step, he cautiously observed you. You were fighting back the sobs as you tried pursing your lips together. But when he puts you in between his arms with his hands around your back, he asked, “My Blue, what happened? What did he do to you?”

You broke every resistance inside of you and cried like a baby into his chest. The same exact cry when you ran away after Jinhwan stole your first kiss and embarrassed you by laughing at your confession in front of his friends. Little did you know it was all recorded, or when you were crying your poor self out behind a building, so then he proceeded to upload it online for everyone.

So you bawled out even more so until you were tired of crying and mindlessly walked home. But you saw your worried best friend waiting for you, ready to give you the comfort you needed and deserved. Your entire soul collapsed onto him.

“Hy-Hyun-Hyungie!” You keened, slithering your arms over his chest as you gripped onto his uniform shirt that you drenched in your tears. “I-I-I—”

“Shhh, no. It’s okay. You’re safe, Blue.” He shushed you as he had one hand over your head and the other hooked around your waist. Your form bounced as your sobbing overpowered your breathing. “I’m here now. Don’t worry. I’ll always be here.”

-

After hours passed once again, you, fortunately, stopped shedding tears though your emotions were still heightened and intense. You had to lie to your grandparents and say that you were sick to not go to school the following day. They knew you weren’t ill, but they knew something was up since it was uncommon of you. They let you be and hoped it’d make you feel okay.

Taehyung never left your side, having you in his arms or within reach. He even slept over for the night. But once it hit your “bedtime,” your minds were still awake. Your best friend thought it was a good idea for you to escape for the time being, so you both did. And what better way than to sneak out of your window in the dead of night to go to the park and hang out under the blossoming tree? It was your favorite pastime together after discovering that you could do things without your grandparents and his parents knowing.

When the gentle breeze touched your skin, the serenity of the starry sky pricked with specks of stars, and no one else but your best friend was right by your side. You let the setting calm every nerve in you, closing your eyes and taking the deepest breaths.

Taehyung kissed your hair before resting his cheek on the top of your head. His growth spurge over the winter time let him be much bigger than your stature. He hated seeing you like that, heartbroken, undeserving of what happened to you, and crying over some stupid ass boy who doesn’t deserve shit from you or anyone. He wanted to beat this boy up, but you told him no because he wasn’t worth it and you hated violence. He had to oblige, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t call his sister up and tell her to punch him in the throat.

“How are you feeling now, Blue?” He whispered, staring up at the night before you.

“Less crappy, but better now.” You sighed, laying your head on his shoulder and leaning closer toward his form. “I feel like an idiot.”

“No, you’re not. Those boys were dicks and Jinseok guy was a complete asshole.” Taehyung countered, feeling upset that you were talking down upon yourself. “You didn’t deserve anything that was given to you like that.”

“Still, I fell for it.” You frowned as you stared down at your fingers playing with each other. “I should have known. No boy ever liked me because I’m ugl—”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” He interjected sharply, his restrained vocal cords due to puberty somehow helped his voice drop an octave. “Don’t ever succumb your worth with pea-minded small dick boys.”

“Then why aren’t I liked by anyone?” You complained, balling your hands into fists as you tried controlling the tears that threatened to come out again. “So many of my peers got confessions, always overheard boys talk about how pretty my classmates were, or even asked me about Eunjeong because she thought she was cute and I knew her.”

“Blue—”

“And don’t get me started on you.” Your attention went on him and his large irises looking back questionably. “You told me about all the confessions you had from this past year alone and how you rejected them all, but you still keep getting them.”

“___—”

“I mean it’s a given that you’ve always been handsome and always nice and caring to others. I just feel so shitty about myself because I don’t ever feel confident in myself, as a best friend and as a—”

“No!” Taehyung shouted, causing you to flinch and pause your rambling. His mind was all over the place. First, you called him handsome and while you did consistently mention it in the past, this was the first time he noticed how much his heart was racing and how he was getting squirrels in his stomach.

Second, he didn’t like hearing your self-deprecations at all. Did you really think so lowly of yourself? Not once did you show any signs. It wasn’t right and he should have caught on earlier.

“Stop doing that. Stop talking bad about yourself.” He shook his head before reaching out for your hands to hold. “And don’t compare yourself to others, Blue.”

“How can I not? I’m surrounded by it all the time, aka you!”

“I-I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

“No, no. Not you. I’m sorry. I—” You stopped yourself, trying to collect your thoughts into a reasoning argument. “I just feel like I’m not good enough sometimes. Like I guess, this was more than that stupid prank and lie Jinhwan did or not being liked by anyone. Like, I’m never enough to satisfy or be worth something in someone’s life.”

For some odd reason, he couldn’t help but chuckle. Sure, your words were raw and from the depths of your heart but really? Not enough to be worth something in someone’s life? Seemed a little bit exaggerated.

Hearing his laughter, your eyebrows pinched together and cheeks puffed into anger at his response. But before you could even get a single sound out of you, he commented, “Now that’s an insult to me.”

Now your expression resembled confusion, “What do you m—”

“Why would you even say something like that when you’re literally everything in my life?”

His words punched you in the throat, taking your very breath away. “D-don’t—you don’t mean that! I said something, not—”

“Now why would I lie? I never lie to you! I do mean that, and I said everything because you are everything!” Taehyung retorted. He used one hand to hold your waist, pulling you into his lap. Sitting in between his legs, you laid back onto his chest as his chin stayed on your shoulder. “You mean so much more than you could ever imagine to me. Y-yo-you’re my best friend, Blue. I can’t have you think that you’re any less for others, me, and yourself especially. It breaks my heart knowing that I’m not helping you through that.”

“Don’t carry my burden on you.” You muttered quietly. “My whole self-esteem is just at its low and blowing out of proportion. I just became a teenager. You can’t really help me on this one.”

“I bet I can.” His eyes lit up, making you turn back to see him. Your faces were centimeters away. While you stared casually at his face, he felt his breathing slipping away at the gorgeous sight of you under the fluorescent moon. He managed to catch him without notice and continued. “I—I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve seen in my entire life, and I’m blessed that I get to see you every single day. If people don’t see it, they weren’t gifted with seeing the true beauty that you hold.”

You gawked wordlessly, pupils dilating by the second as he spoke with endearment and authenticity. Heartbeat fastened as he spoke on. “___ ___, you’ve been and always will be worth it, in my life, in your grandparents’ life, my family’s, anyone who comes across you. Don’t support that mindset with people of less importance in your life because it doesn’t help you. Focus on who matters, like you.”

“I can help by reminding you to not speak such foulness about yourself, pointing out the way you impact my and your loved ones’ lives, and showing you how beautiful you are because you truly are.” Using his unoccupied hand, he pushed a strand out of your face and tucked it behind your ear. “These little boys must have dead skin cells coming out of their shit-stained mouths if they don’t think you, ___ ___, are beautiful.”

You blinked rapidly and your lower lips pouted out as if it was the only reaction you could give. The little voice in your head begged to differ. But with his piercing coffee-swirled eyes at you, it slowly diminished and lowered its volume. It was hard to tell with your conscious, but you believed him even if it was just a little bit. 

You saw him leaning closer, his eyes shut smoothly. Staying still but eyes widening with every centimeter closer, your mind was on blast, anticipating his next move. However, he did a little turn-up and kissed the tip of your nose lightly.

You shook your head out of surprise. Why did you expect something else? Of course, Taehyung was always affectionate toward you. You couldn’t react any further as he brought you closer to him and peppered kisses onto your shoulder. You blinked away and focused straight into the night, trying to relax.

“The only thing I wish I could do was to stop that kiss from happening.” He spoke again with a huff. “I’m sorry your first kiss was with that fucking jerk. God, are you sure you don’t want me to beat him up?”

There the tenseness you didn’t realize you had in your body blew away and was replaced by laughter. “You shouldn’t resort to violence. He was a dick, but I can’t change the past. I wished too though.”

“Which is why you should always come to me first before you go do something.” Taehyung scolded in a know-it-all way, making you roll your eyes in defense. “I didn’t even know you had a crush until Eunjeong told me and she only did so because she thought I knew already! Why didn’t you tell me, Blue?”

Your form suddenly shrunk and sunk into his body, feeling the hotness steaming up your cheeks. “I know I tell you everything, but this was different…”

“How is it different?”

“I-I-I needed a girl’s opinion.”

“Oh.” Was all he could say. It made sense, you were a girl while he was a boy. There were certain things he may not understand from a guy’s perspective and he couldn’t defend himself.

“Don’t worry. I learned my lesson. If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you.” You promised.

But you never did.

“And I will do the same back.” He added, to open your communication together.

“You know I don’t think you ever told me you had a crush on someone.” You mentioned, tilting your head as you gazed into the distance with wonder.

You heard a deep chuckle followed by a vibration on your back. “That’s because back then I don’t think I liked someone enough to consider it a crush.”

“Then surely, you have someone that you like. I mean you’re in high school too with new people.”

“Yes, I’m in high school but that doesn’t mean anything.” He shrugged as he nuzzled into your neck, making you giggle at the ticklishness.

“So you don’t like any girl, or guy, or someone?” You tried your best not to assume anything. Since he didn’t like anyone, you didn’t know what he liked.

He laughed again, throwing his head back. “You’re so silly sometimes.” Exhaling, he smiled warmly while squeezing your hand. You focused on him with your doe eyes, an innocent smile faint on your lips. He looked down for a split second, hoping you didn’t notice. Judging by the continued look on your face, you weren’t seeing anything out of the ordinary. But he could see everything changing in him, in you, and between each other.

He was stuck in this conundrum. It would be selfish of him to tell you how he felt after getting your heart broken by another. You most likely won’t reciprocate back and he doesn’t even know how you think of him beyond being his best friend. He also didn’t want to ruin the friendship, the strong bond you two created for nearly ten years to be destroyed because he caught feelings for you. He loves you. Dear God, he was in love with you and only you.

But he couldn’t do it. And he didn’t know if he will ever.

“I-If-If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you, Blue.” He replied carefully as his fingers tapped over the smooth skin on the back of your hands.

But he never did.

“‘Kay!” You didn’t think any more of it. In fact, you felt a whole lot better after talking to Taehyung. He always knew how to reassure you about your insecurities and dilemmas your teenage brain liked to give you and cause harm. Your fingers found their way to intertwine with his. “At least I know I’ll always have one guy in my life that I’ll love.” His eyes widened, lips slightly parting. “I will always love you, Hyungie.” You pressed your lips onto his soft cheek before you laid your head onto the crevice of his shoulder.

He doesn’t know if you felt how hard his heart thumped in his chest. If you did, you don’t bother bringing it up. He doesn’t know this feeling, was it good or bad? But having you in his arms felt so perfect. Yet the fear of you finding out dreaded his entire soul. It would break him if something were to happen between you two. Was this what being in love was like? Why was it scaring him?

“A-and I will always love you, Blue.” He meant it at the bottom of his heart, but he didn’t mean it in the way you did.

And he doesn’t think it would be from here on.

-

You made it through the day with Taehyung. An invisible thin barrier held you back earlier in the day, but it eventually evaporated the more you talked to him, like how you were before. You don’t know how many hours passed in that cafe because together you spent all that time eating and playing with the cats. You opened up a little more to him and told him about your college years and why you chose to move to Seoul.

You explained how stagnant life has been for you for a while and thought you’d lead to nowhere if you continued to stay in the area you lived for your entire life. You managed to get by and thought of suppressing the feeling until your grandfather convinced you. You were very much hesitant, as it was going to be out of your comfort zone, but you and he both knew it was the right decision to make. It was also the only school that accepted you that wasn’t in Geochang, because it was the only one you applied for that wasn’t Geochang.

Taehyung did try to ask a question about your grandfather, but he noticed how brief and vague your answers were. You changed the subject and turned it on him when he did so. Maybe you weren’t ready to talk about it? Or you just didn’t want to tell him. Ever since his family moved as well as the passing of your grandmothers, contact has been lost through the years. Even if Taehyung tried to contact back, he wouldn’t know if you were still in Geochang or not and unfortunately, he did not have the time to check.

Nonetheless, the two of you enjoyed your time together. Of course, while staying hidden for Taehyung’s sake. After the cafe, he drove back into the city where he kinda took you shopping. You say kinda because he attempted to buy things for you and you said no, but he didn’t care so you just walked away from him. He got the message and begged for forgiveness, but it was all fine. You treated him corn dogs as a light snack or at least attempted to because when you pulled out of your wallet, he tapped his card with ease. 

When the sun went down, you assumed the day was over, but not for the idol. He took you to a jazz nightclub he has been dying to go to for ages. Everyone he invited was always busy or tired. He even invited Clara, and they were about to go but she got sick.

The opportunity was right there, so Taehyung insisted. You didn’t mind at all, you were excited about it. By the end of the time there, you loved every second of it, even catching some songs here and there. It surprised him, but he never realized until now that it was you who introduced him to the love of jazz.

Nighttime fell when the both of you got out, and the city lights illuminated the area. For a Sunday night, it was pretty crowded and Taehyung suggested going somewhere quiet. You were about to protest that it was time to go home, but your stomach gargled aloud that the idol wanted to put food in you right away. Knowing he wasn’t taking a no on this one, you gave up.

But you settled for some street food, rice and fish cakes, bibimmyeon, suyuk,and ice cream for dessert. Taehyung knew a nearby park and thought it’d be nice to eat under a tree, getting away from all the people. So here you were—stomachs filled to the brim and enjoying the nice view from where you say while tasting the sweet confection.

Once in a while, Taehyung mentioned memories of him and his members regarding instances perfect for the moment. This one was about the park. “I used to come here a lot with Jimin actually, when we were younger. It was always secluded, so even after debut, no one was around.”

“I wonder why? This place is amazing at night.” Your eyes roamed at the calm scenery. The cooling autumn wind caressed you while the hours of darkness cascaded around. The stars weren’t as prominent, but they were exchanged by the blinking lights of the city buildings and skyscrapers. 

It almost felt like deja vu.

Taehyung looked over towards you and noticed how you stared into the outlook. A tender grin crept on your mouth as you slowly closed your eyes.

“Never bothered to ask that when you finally get privacy.” He muttered as he finished his ice cream and threw it in the trash bag you made. “Been a while since I came here though. I miss it here. Jimin would also like it too.”

A giggle came out of you, “You talk about your members a lot.”

“I-Is-Is that noticeable?” A peak of blush swiped across his cheeks.

“Well, from the whole day, yeah. I practically know everything about them through you.” You snuffed in delight. “It’s nice though. You care about them. I’m sure with the break, you don’t see them as often?”

“Yeah, the last time I saw everyone together was Jungkook’s party. Everyone is doing their own thing.” Taehyung informed with a deep sigh. “I do care about them, and miss them. But lately, it’s a bit of bother sometimes that I’m glad I’m away from them.”

You flung your eyes open in shock before turning to meet his attention. “What do you mean?”

“There’s just a lot going on in my own life, and I feel like they coddle or smother me with things.” He explained, but not enough to give too many details. He has yet to tell you what his current situation was and was a bit insecure about it. He knew you wouldn’t judge, you were the last person he’d ever think to judge, but the timing wasn’t right. He recently got you back into his life, but he thought it would be too much for you to find out what happened to your best friend all these years in between. A bit ashamed, really.

Unlike him, you don’t further speculate. You hummed in response, moving forward from the topic. But you do say, “As you care for them, they care for you even if it’s the type you don’t want.”

He didn’t have any response to that. Instead, he shifted the topic to something lighter to mend his curiosity. “You know how you’ve been following the group and all,” The idol began and you waited for him to continue. “So who’s your favorite in the group?”

With that, a hearty laugh spewed out of your lips with your shoulders shaking. Taehyung’s eyes widened at your giddy expression. This was the first time he heard you laugh so hard since the reunion. If anything, in a while for that matter. He missed that wonderful sound, seeing the happiness and enjoyment shine off of you. It was the best thing he ever experienced with you.

“Why?” You asked as the giggling died down.

“I mean you’ve seen our content and finally met the guys, so I’m sure you would have a favorite.” Taehyung reasoned as he leaned back into the tree trunk. “Despite loving us equally, fans have those bias and bias wreckers, right?”

“They would freak out if they knew that you knew that.” You said before exhaling deeply. “I guess I do have a favorite.”

“Who?” He sounded way too excited there, then realized you probably never chose him so he shrunk into his body.

“Do you think it would have been you?” You inquired humorously.

“A-At first, but then, I forgot we’ve stopped talking and…you hated me.”

You observed his behavior, feeling rather unguarded of himself when he spoke. You sensed the shame seeping out of him. “Yeah, we didn’t talk but I never hated you, Taehyung.” You licked your lips, remembering the earlier times when you did say those hurtful words. “I did say it back then, but as I said, I never meant it.”

“So, does that mean I was your favorite?” His pupils sparkled underneath the moonlight.

“No, it’s Hoseok.” You replied scoffingly. “Even if I didn’t hate you, that didn’t mean I chose you as my favorite. Are you kidding me?” You say as you finished your dessert, and threw it into the bag.

“So why Hoseok Hyung?” The pout on his lips was so evident that he was somewhat offended you didn’t choose him. “What does he have that made you pick him?”

“First off, super talented with his rapping and dancing. I like his style, as an artist and for fashion. He’s practically innocent in all the shit you do with games and jokes, I feel bad sometimes just watching him get punished. Sweet, down to Earth, great smile, handsome, I forgot to sa—”

“Okay, I get it. You like him!” The idol interjected. His tone was infused with green envy as you were able to list down many characteristics about his member without thought.

You grinned at how he was being, but never acknowledged it so he wouldn’t be embarrassed as much. But maybe, just maybe you wanted to point another thing out. “It also sealed the deal when you had to kiss him as a penalty.”

A combination of grimace, scowl, and disgust appeared on his face at the horrible and traumatizing memory. It was a punishment, for something he can’t remember and didn’t want to, but it was still a punishment. It also didn’t help that that was his first kiss. Hoseok hated it, he hated it, and for that, it was lost in the past until you brought it up.

“Please, don’t bring that up.” He wallowed in agony, but you kept smiling. “Before you say anything else, yes, he was my first kiss. It’s one of the most tragic things ever.”

While he covered his face with his palms, he doesn’t notice the smile going flat on you as you watched him. Once he looked back up, you held the curves of the mouth up. “It’s fine. At least we both have shitty first kisses, but you had it with someone you care for.”

Taehyung muttered something you couldn’t quite comprehend before his phone vibrated on the grass. It caught both of your attention and saw that it was Clara messaging him. There were twenty-four messages specifically. He then grabbed his phone to view her texts.

The harsh taps on his screen followed him throwing his phone into his jacket. Frowning as he looked back up into the sky, he blew a sigh through his nostrils. He seemed frustrated, probably from what was said in between texts. You didn’t want to assume thought. You then checked the time and it was close to midnight. Maybe that had to do with it.

“We should go, it’s getting late.” You cleared your throat as you began gathering the trash bags.

His head turned in your direction, “Are you tired?”

“Kinda, I also have school and work tomorrow.” You stated. “You should go home too because Clara might get upset for not coming home early.”

“She’s fine.” He mumbled, waving it off. “I just told her we’re still having our dinner and stuff…”

He wasn’t necessarily lying, but it didn’t sound right either. “Was she okay with it?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” He shrugged before smacking his lips. “So do you wanna go home now? Don’t want you to stay out too late to have fewer hours of sleep. How’s that by the way?”

You rolled your eyes, grinning a little at his concern for your health. “Better, but I still don’t get the ideal eight hours. Grad school is a bit hard and time-consuming, so it’s nice to do things like this.” You gestured around you.

“So I’m assuming you don’t want to go yet?” The idol smirked as he nodded toward the parking lot.

You thought about it for a second. If Clara was fine with him staying out and spending time with you, then you guessed that it wouldn’t hurt to stay a little longer. You were enjoying the view before you when she texted. “Maybe a few more minutes.” You held your thumb and index up, signaling a tiny space between the two as emphasis.

Taehyung chuckled at your demeanor, he saw more of a playful you opening up. He too didn’t want to leave just yet, and certainly not leave because his girlfriend said so. This was his time with you, and he wanted to cherish it.

The both of you continued to sit in silence, gazing into the city night. This place was a perfect spot to see the bridge, the buildings, and the lights, yet remained secluded. It was fascinating to you how different Seoul nights were compared to Geochang. Your hometown wasn’t as crowded and you would always see familiar faces. However, here, every day was different, and areas were swarming. Though the majority of the customers were old, working at the restaurant made you shocked at how late people enjoyed going out. If anything, Geochang had an unofficial curfew at ten at night.

As you were staring, there was a little voice in your head shouting about Clara. After meeting and conversing with her, you saw how genuine and lovely the socialite was. She was invested in the things you spoke about as well as passionate about what she does but remained as humble. Clara would ask questions about how Taehyung was when he was younger and learned more about her boyfriend.

You didn’t hate her, there was no reason to. She was always good to you, but deep down, you felt somewhat uncomfortable being near her. You found yourself comparing her to you, and you didn’t understand why. After all, she was Kim Taehyung’s girlfriend of five years—that was a long time and would probably marry her.

While you were just an estranged friend from his younger years.

“So…” You spoke out, taking his attention away from the scenery. “I didn’t mention it before, but good to see you with someone. You and Clara.”

“Really?” He sounded in disbelief. 

“Yeah,” Your pitch was a little higher than usual, but you were genuine.

The entire time you’ve known him, he never voiced out liking or wanting anyone. It concerned and agitated you at one point, even when he left for training. You really don’t know what happened in that ten-year gap, but he came out with a pretty steady girlfriend who loves him dearly. 

“At least by now, I know you can fall in love or have a crush on someone.” You quipped as you nudged him by the shoulder. He stayed quiet for a bit, processing what you said but you continued with your speech. “I think Clara’s great for you, almost complementing your entire aura. You have an old soul while she’s very refreshing.” While you blabbered away about his girlfriend, Taehyung felt sour and filled with a grimace which he tried his best to cover it up with a deadpan. “On top of it all besides being sweet, Taehyung, she’s so gorgeous. You would pick someone like her. She’s so pr—”

“Excuse me, ___.” He cuts you off with irritation oozing out of his pores. Your eyes stayed on his, wondering what set him off on what you said. You weren’t saying anything negative or ridiculing at all. “You know you’re beautiful too.”

His words threw you off, making you snort in disbelief and shook your head. Why did that even matter right now? You kept a joyous expression in contrast to the seriousness Taehyung held. “I know…ish.”

That was also true. You have grown to accept and love yourself for who you were and what you looked like after many adolescent years of struggle. Your features didn’t exceed the high standards of Clara, but you made it a point and lifestyle in your grown life that before your grandmother died, she always mentioned how uniquely captivating you always were, looking different in the best way possible.

Of course, it was shocking to get compliments from others. As well as your conscious had a habit of making you compare yourself to others, whether it was good or bad. Like for this instance—Clara.

But you wanted to breeze on from his statement. “But that’s beside the point—”

“No, I hear that tone, ___. You’re comparing yourself to her.” Taehyung informed as if it was a fact about you, which it was. Yet you didn’t want him to know that.

You sighed, not understanding the big deal of it all. “I’m not talking down on myself! I swear. I’m just saying…” Your eyes shifted down to the ends of your dress. “Clara is pretty and you really won with her.”

“I don’t care about pretty. I love beautiful.”

That caused you to lift your head and meet his eyes, which you didn’t know pierced at you for who knew how long. You didn’t even realize how near he has gotten to you. The fabric of your clothes touched his pants. Your torsos twisted to continue the eye contact.

The look on him…was a familiar feeling and time. It held something you didn’t want to see or think about after those years of struggle because if you did, another wall buried deep down inside your entity would come crashing down.

“Taehyung, you can’t—”

“I can.” He disagreed, leaning closer. “Because I remembered promising you that I’d show you how beautiful you are, how special you really are, ___.”

“This literally has nothing to do with me!” You refuted, trying to deny any claim he had about you. But you stayed frozen as he slowly inched forth. It wasn’t odd because Taehyung was always known to be affectionate, but it sure was concerning you right now. “Can’t I compliment your gorgeous girlfriend?”

“No, because she already gets that from everyone around her. She doesn’t need any more of that.” He grumbled. His eyes quickly glanced down at your face, enough for you to notice. “But it relates to you because of your eyes. They held insecurity and concern, I remember that look. It was the same look when you got your heartbroken back in middle school by that dumbass boy.”

It surprised you at times, how Taehyung was able to catch on and read you like a book even after years of disappearance. From the first couple of months of renewing the friendship, not a time goes by when he remembered little things about you despite your constant protest of being a changed person. Maybe personality-wise shifted into a cruel sarcastic approach, but the habits were consistent.

Albeit to your annoyance to him on that, you couldn’t help but do the same more often than you should.

“___, when I say this, I mean it and I take it to my grave,” Taehyung announced, irises boring at yours with no play. “Stop comparing yourself to others. I know it’s hard, but it’s harder to live with it. It doesn’t help you or the others around you. I never liked when you do that.”

You bit the inside of your cheek, hearing his objection. You didn’t want what you said to end up like this, but there was no doubt that he interpreted it to a t. You didn’t think he’d still care enough about you like that. What else goes on in his head that you didn’t expect?

Out of nowhere, he held your cheek with his palm, snapping you out of your daze. He was now so close to you that with any movement, something would touch. It was like before when you were younger with him and had the status of a best friend with a purposeful and deeper meaning. “You’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, ___.” Your pupils dilated at his reveal. Cheeks spreading with flushness and warmth you hated to expect. “Wouldn’t want any better. Any person would be lucky to have you.”

Excuse me? He said that way too personally. Why the fuck would he say that to you? It started to frighten you, furrowing your eyebrows and cocking your head to the side. Yet he focused on your reaction with sincerity, nothing in what he spoke upon held no lie and you knew it.

There was a pause in the air, holding your breaths. The familiar warmth to your irises soothed his body down just by the look. It was as if his vision pulled him back in time where he saw you exactly like this, underneath a tree late at night with sparkles gleaming on you. The swift capture of your thirteen-year-old self before your current self settled before him. He wanted this moment to last for as long as he remembered.

And without thinking, he closed the gap between you two as he shuts his eyes and puckered his lips.

Hoping to find softness and sweetness, but there was no avail on the other side. It was the complete opposite. A harsh reddened ache ran through his cheek before he peeled his eyes open to reveal a raging you fueled with perfidy.

You smacked his face again, but this time harder than the last before you pushed yourself away from him, almost a meter away. Your mouth gaped as you stood up from the grass and patted yourself clean to get the fuck away from him.

Eyes widening as large as a goldfish, Taehyung realized what he tried to do. Scrambling to get up and beg for redemption, he tried to speak but you interrupted him. “Here I thought you wanted to be my friend again, but you deceived me and I don’t want nothing of it!” You snarled before grabbing your bad and shouldering it over.

“Wait, ___. I’m sorry! I don’t know what c—”

“Save it! I don’t wanna hear your bullshit!” There you walked away from the scene angry and disappointed with shame all over you. You needed to get away, you couldn’t stay. But you were pulled back by the wrist and twirled around to see a worried and frightened idol searching for mercy on you.

“___, please. I-I’m sorry, I—”

You snatched your wrist back, breathing through your nostrils in hopes it calmed your wrath. “I don’t care if you’re sorry! Fucking think about your girlfriend! Why would you even fucking dare to do that?”

“I-I wasn’t thi—”

All of sudden, you yanked him by his collar. Pulling him close to see the break of trust in your livid pupils, you seethed, “I will not be some home wrecker.” You pushed him roughly, almost making him imbalance but he stabilized his feet. “You lost my trust. I don’t wanna fucking see you anymore.”

You never looked back and continued your path out of the park. You thought he would have followed you again, but when you heard the cries of your name at a distance, you knew he wasn’t going to try. Maybe you were too rash, or maybe you said things you didn’t mean. It didn’t matter anymore.

But you knew that if you ever saw him again, you would think differently of him.

Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @thvxstf @dahliasbouqet @bertqut1 @fuckthinking @taebangtanbabe

[shina913]

Stalemate, Part 2 | MYG

Stalemate (Mini-series)

Definition:  (1) Chess. a position of the pieces in which a player cannot move any piece except the king and cannot move the king without putting it in check. (2) any position or situation in which no action can be taken or progress made; deadlock

Pairing: Woodworker!Yoongi x Fem!Reader

Rating: M 🔞; NSFW

Genre: breakup!AU; toxic relationships; angst; fluff; smut; heavy drama

Summary: "The truth is, I'm not afraid to take that gamble anymore...in the off-chance that I get lucky again and feel the way I felt when I was with you. I'd happily make that bet over and over."

Word count: 8K+ words

Warnings (more written in individual chapters): ANGST; problematic exes; relationship insecurities; alcohol consumption; cussing; miscommunication; past infidelity (reader had an affair with a married man but not detailed); vulnerable confessions; jealousy; verbal confrontation; lots of crying; it just gets really dramatic

A/N: Okay so...now this final installment is just...ANGST...but with payoff (I think)??? Anyway, this is un-beta'd so I hope the story makes sense!

Now…

“You think he’s still butthurt about the whole thing?” Hyejin asks.

“I don’t know what to think.” You shrugged and took a sip of your drink. “I thought we had a clean break.”

She rolled her eyes. “That’s what you think. Is this the first time you two have seen each other since things ended?”

Narrowing your lips into a thin line, you nodded. Her eyebrows lift in disbelief. “Wow…really?”

“Yep,” you say, popping the ‘p.’

“But how is that possible? He still hangs out with Namjoon and with the gallery’s construction–”

You shrugged. “I don’t know, Hye…somehow, our meetings with you guys never overlapped.” You figured part of it was due to Namjoon’s very meticulous planning.

Hyejin’s eyes widened. “Damn. And is it true that you both unfollowed each other on your socials?”

You let out an exasperated breath. “Come on, Hyejin. Isn’t that just sort of a natural thing to do after you break up? How many of your exes do you have on your socials?”

She grimaced. “Uhm…a few of them?”

Now it was your turn to bulge your eyes at her. “What?”

“Yeah. They’re still on my list.”

Your mouth falls open. “Do you ever view their profile, lurk, and see what they’re up to?”

“No, not like that,” she says. “They pop up because they’re on my feed but not because I actively seek them. They’re just there…it’s like a useless appendage or something.”

“But why even keep them there in the first place if they serve no purpose?”

“I don’t know. It’s just not a huge deal to me. I don’t bear any ill will toward them and I hope they think the same of me.”

“What does Namjoon think about all that?”

“It’s whatever. His ex is still on his list but it’s not something that keeps me up at night,” she explains. Then she gasps, looks at you, and remembers something. “Shit, I'm sorry. No offense, babe.” She reaches across to squeeze your hand assuringly.

You smile and appreciate her consideration. “None taken, babe.”

Hyejin smiles back. “Anyway, Joon and I have an understanding that all of those relationships are done. It’s about us now.”

You sigh in frustration, recalling how things went down with Yoongi. “I guess I wish everyone was in the same mindset as you both are.”

“Put it this way—I’m not bothered by it and neither is Namjoon. But if one day, he suddenly asks me to delete them off my list then I would do it, no question.”

“Really?” You did your best to hide your skepticism. Hyejin normally didn’t allow her man to dictate what she could and couldn’t do in her life.

“I would do it out of love and respect for him. If I asked him to do the same, he would too. It’s not about trying to prove a point or compromising your beliefs to please your partner. This person, whom you love, is setting clear boundaries. The question is whether you love that person enough to set a new boundary so you can honor theirs. It all depends on the situation!”

“I don’t know, Hye–you’re always so headstrong, though.”

“And so are you, YN. It’s why we’re besties,” she giggles. “But you know, when you find the right person,” she looks off into the distance and catches Namjoon’s eye, making her smile fondly, “…You wouldn’t mind loosening the reins a bit.”

You took a long swig of your drink. “Wow…you’ve changed Ms. Ahn.”

“Yeah, sometimes we need to embrace change. Although, I do miss my hoe-ing days every now and then,” she winked at you.

Truthfully, you envied her. When you and Yoongi were together, she would tease you about monogamy, yet she was always so supportive of your relationship.

You shook your head. “Well…personally, I feel like cleaning out your social media timeline is a way to move on.”

“That’s just part of it, babe. If a person wants to move on, they can and will…with or without social media.” Just then, she looks past your shoulder as something new catches her eye.

You turn your head in curiosity to find Yoongi craning his neck through the crowd as if searching for someone, until his eyes land on you. You locked gazes for a few seconds before he started moving toward you. You quickly turn away.

“Looks like he wants to talk,” Hyejin remarks. As Yoongi closes in, you see him from your peripheral vision.

“I’m gonna go check on Namjoonie,” she says with a small smile at you. Before she walks away, she gives Yoongi a quick nod.

Then…

After a marathon of morning calls and virtual meetings, you took advantage of the lull to stretch your legs and maybe attempt to have lunch with Yoongi. He’s been insanely busy with projects as well and though you stayed over at each other’s places often, you barely spent quality time together in the last week.

You emerge from the room and hear anxious mumbling by his workshop.

“Hey,” you poked your head from the corner to see him in the middle of a tense conversation with Namjoon.

“Hey, YN!”

“Joon! Yoongi didn’t mention that you were stopping by!” You walked over to give him a hug.

“Oh, it was just a pit stop for me, among other things I'm supposed to do today,” he smiled.

“Why don't you stay for lunch? I’m making–”

“That won’t be necessary,” Yoongi says curtly, making you recoil. Yoongi sees the worried expression on your face and tries to remedy it. “What I mean to say is, Namjoon was on his way out anyway and he just told me that he’s got a full afternoon ahead.”

You turn to Namjoon, who grimaces. “I…appreciate the offer, YN but Yoongi’s right. I’ve got a lot of errands to run. Maybe next time, huh?”

“Sure, of course!” You look at him and back at Yoongi and decide not to push any further. You already knew that one of Yoongi’s clients has been extra demanding so you were on a need-to-know basis.

You leave the workshop and walk into the kitchen to check the pantry. He hadn’t gone grocery shopping in a while so instead of trying to make something, you just pull up the food delivery app on your phone to order something more convenient.

“Jagi, is there anything in particular that you’re craving for?”

“No, baby. Surprise me,” he answers distantly, continuing his conversation with Namjoon.

While placing the order, you couldn’t help but eavesdrop on their argument through the divider.

“Bro, I don’t know how you could have just let the deadline pass. Jiwon placed the order months ago and I get here and you’ve got other orders getting picked up for shipment. Orders that were placed after hers. You said that it was totally doable–”

“I know what I said, Namjoonah!” He lets out a frustrated groan. “Look, just tell Jiwon that we ran into a supplier issue. I’ll fucking fix it, okay?”

“What the fuck do you expect me to tell her?”

“Can’t you figure that part out? Isn’t this why you’re the client relations half of this business?”

You hear footsteps approach in your direction so you retreat back into the bedroom and pretend that this was just a regular business squabble between friends.

Namjoon lets out a grunt of annoyance.

“Okay, look,” Yoongi relents. “Just stop stressing out. I’ll call Jiwon myself later to let her know that her shit will get done. Alright?”

Namjoon nods. “Thanks, man. She’s in a pissy mood. Better you than me.”

******

The weekend finally arrives and you and Yoongi have plans.

You were such a nervous wreck that you start to flap your elbows as if they were wings to cool your sweaty armpits. You were meeting Yoongi’s mom tonight for dinner. She lives a few hours away and rarely visits. She was looking forward to getting to know the new woman in her son’s life.

You make your way in front of the mirror, fluffing your hair and doing some final checks on your makeup. You lean in closer and flash your teeth, making sure that you didn’t have any lipstick stains on them.

“How much longer do you need?” Yoongi asks while he leans against the doorframe. Looking at his reflection, he was handsome as ever with his hair pulled back in a ponytail and a casual look. As much as you enjoyed him dressed in his coveralls while he worked, you always considered his date-night looks a treat.

“Two minutes.” You smooth your dress one more time and turn around to make sure that your skirt didn’t have any creases on it.

“We’re just meeting my mom for dinner, not the queen.”

“I know that. I just want to make a good impression,” you rationalized. “How do I look?” You turn to him and put your hands to the sides, presenting yourself. 

“Beautiful,” he says with a soft smile.

******

Your laughs ring through the restaurant after Yoongi’s mom make a cheeky joke at her son’s expense.

“Eomma…” He warns.

“Lighten up, adeul! It’s just a little joke.”

“Sure, ma,” he responds dryly.

She sipped on her wine and turns her attention to you. “You know, YN, I really like you! You’re just so…gah…the word is escaping me right now!”

You tensed up in anticipation of the next word that would come out of her mouth.

“Refreshing! That’s what I meant to say. You’re such a breath of fresh air!” She exclaims.

Your shoulders visibly relax at the compliment.

“Thank you, Mrs. Min–”

“Please, call me eomma,” she smiled warmly. “Let’s skip the formalities! Even better, we should get together for drinks sometime–” then she puts her hand up to the side of her mouth as if to whisper in an exaggerated manner to you, “You know, without Mr. Grumpy Cat here,” she mumbled.

You both giggle like close girlfriends while Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“I’d love that, eomma! Why don’t we exchange numbers after this and we can get something on our calendars?” You proposed.

His mom beamed. “Excellent! The sooner, the better!”

You smiled excitedly at how well you were warming up to Yoongi’s mom. You had a very different idea of how this night was going to turn out. The server comes by to check in, asking if there was anything else that they can get you. You picked up your wineglass and polished off whatever was left in it.

“Can I please get another glass of cabernet?” You ask him.

“Of course, miss.” He asks the rest of the table, to which his mom requests that her glass be topped off as well. Yoongi declines.

“You know, I should say–I’m shocked that Yoongi let you order that second glass of wine.”

Your brows creased in confusion. You cleared your throat, “I…beg your pardon?” You ask slowly.

“Well, back then, Jiwon–Yoongi’s ex–she didn’t drink much. On the rare occasion that she did, Yoongi made sure to cap it at a glass. She was always uptight, that one. Nice girl, very formal, comes from a good family. But oof…so uptight. Unfortunately, that’s Yoongi’s type though…” she remarks flippantly. 

Yoongi shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Eomoni…please!”

“Was there something wrong with what I said? Are we not supposed to talk about Jiwon? We’re just having a conversation here.”

You shift your attention to Yoongi’s direction, where he keeps his eyes low. Yoongi himself had never mentioned her name to you, but you knew of their history.

You’d heard that name before…it was the same name of the person that he and Namjoon were arguing about recently. 

Deep down, you sincerely hoped that those were two different Jiwons.

******

The rest of dinner goes on without any further awkward conversations about certain ex-fiancees. You bid his mom farewell and promise to give her a call to schedule a girls’ night when she’s back in town.

Yoongi, on the other hand, looks exhausted when you get in the car. “I can drive if you’re too–”

“Nah, it’s fine. You had a couple glasses. Besides, it’s a short ride, I can manage.”

After a few minutes of silence, you break the tension on the drive back to his place.

“Your mom is so adorable. I love her!” You beamed excitedly.

“Yeah, seems like you two really hit it off. I didn’t realize you had a lot in common,” he says wryly.

You laughed. “What’s the matter with you? Aren’t you glad that your mom and I are getting along well?”

“Of course I am,” he replies, still looking straight ahead down the road, his expression unreadable.

“If you’re happy then why do you look like someone just kicked your puppy? Was it because she mentioned Jiwon?”

He lets out a frustrated groan. “Please! Can we not bring that up again?”

“Is it because she’s a princess who doesn’t drink and obeys everything that you ask her to do?”

“YN, please!” He smacks his hand on the steering wheel. “Please…just…let’s not hash that out, okay?”

You hold your tongue and cross your arms over your chest, seething the rest of the way back.

When he pulls into the driveway, he turns off the engine, then steps out of the car while you remain in the passenger seat.

“Are you throwing a tantrum?”

“No,” you say shortly.

He gets back in the car and coaxes the information out of you. “Come on, what’s going through your mind?”

“I was just thinking–maybe I shouldn’t have ordered that second glass of wine.”

He lets out a sound of exasperation and grips his forehead. “Are we still on that?”

“No, really though…maybe…” you shrug, “I don’t know, maybe I should be more like Jiwon? You know, a good girl.”

“What is your point, YN?”

“My point, Yoongi, is…why are you with me?”

“Why am I with you? W-what do you mean?”

“Why do you love me?” You press him.

He stares at you, taken aback by your interrogation. “Why do I love you?” He repeats. “What kind of a question is that?”

“A legitimate one!”

He scoffs angrily. “I don’t have time to deal with this shit right now, YN…I’m stressed, and I’m–”

“Okay. I get it,” you huff. You grab your coat and purse and step out of the car.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” He barked.

“I’m calling a rideshare to take me back home!” You spat over your shoulder, pulling up your app to summon a car.

“YN, you’re being ridiculous!”

“Just leave me alone. It seems like you need a little bit of space. So I will give you that!”

At half past 1AM, your phone buzzes while you lie awake in bed. You picked it up off the nightstand to see Yoongi’s name and face flashing on your screen.

You second-guess answering…but you were the idiot who picked a fight with him. You press the green button and hold the phone to your ear, saying nothing.

“Baby…come home, please,” he begs you.

“I don’t know…I just need some time,” was all you say before you both hang up.

After another half an hour of pathetically staring up at your ceiling, you sat up and swing your legs over the edge of the bed. Like a lovesick puppy, you put on your sweats, call another rideshare to take you back to his house, where you crawl to bed and into his waiting arms.

Now…

“Hey,” Yoongi says awkwardly as he approaches you.

“Hi,” you say icily. You couldn’t forget the comments he made to Namjoon about you while you were in the bathroom.

“Uh, listen…I just wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize? What for?”

“Y-you know,” he stutters. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

“Which part exactly?” You ask him. “That I’m loud and bring too much drama with me? Or that I’m a bad cook?” You scoffed. “I used to cook for you all those nights when you had no time to make yourself a meal because you were so busy with work. You used to say that you loved my cooking!”

“You weren’t a terrible cook,” you counters. “I just…I was being stupid.”

“Oh, I know,” you tell him and laughed softly.

Moments of uncomfortable silence later, he asks, “So uh…how’ve you been?”

“I’m good,” you answer sincerely. “You?”

“Great,” he replies. “Are you…here with anyone?”

You chuckled at his forwardness. “No, but I’m supposed to meet someone in an hour.”

His lips parted slightly, “Ah, I see,” he smiled tightly. “Like…a date or…a boyfriend?”

“What’s it to you?” You smiled enigmatically. 

“Just trying to make conversation...and I was just curious.” He looked like he wanted to say more after that but he looks away and takes a swig of his drink.

“What about you? Did you bring a date?”

He shook his head. “I haven’t spent enough time with anyone to bring them to things like this.”

“I see,” you answer. “So, just casually dating, huh?”

“What’s it to you?” He returns your question.

“Touche!” You both chuckled.

“I thought you were going to start mouthing off to me and Namjoon earlier by the bathrooms,” he laughs.

You swat the air. “Old YN may have but…I’m a changed woman now.”

“Oh, really?” He asks.

“Yeah. You know, it’s been a while and I’ve changed my ways. I try to watch what I say these days.”

Yoongi smiles guiltily.

“Besides, I used to talk shit about you all the time so…I think we’re even now.”

“Oh you have, haven’t you?”

“Oh yeah…many times! A bitch was bitter back then,” you laughed.

“I’d love to hear this!” He leans in excitedly.

“Hear what?”

“Tell me what you used to say about me.”

Chuckling, you eventually relent. “Hmm…okay, let’s see.” While you try to recall all of the angst that you used to spew at Hyejin, you are briefly distracted by his fingers, drumming lazily on the bar’s surface.

You blink away memories of his hands and other things that they were capable of. “Well, my biggest issue with you was that you had trouble letting go of the past.”

“Interesting,” he remarks.

“That, plus you were a pushover,” you added.

He doubles over in laughter. When he calms down, he says, “So…I get too hung on up on the past and I’m a pushover. That’s why you left me?”

You cock your head to the side and turn serious. “C’mon. You know exactly why I left you.”

Then…

You drive down Yoongi’s street to find a sleek SUV blocking his driveway. You didn’t recognize it but figured it may have been a client trying to meet with him to oversee their order’s progress. Not a huge deal, you thought. You parked a block away instead.

You walk through the door with a box of pastries that you picked up on the way from your place. Yoongi loved their almond croissants so you grabbed a couple extra as a treat.

You caught sight of him standing in the workshop, deep in conversation with some unseen guests who were obscured by the divider.

With a big smile, you walk toward him to greet him. He sees you out of the corner of his eyes and a look of panic mars his features. “YN…hey.” He was surprised to see you.

You turn your attention to the two other people in the room–Namjoon and an unknown female who was crouched down, closely inspecting the legs on these accent chairs that Yoongi had tirelessly worked on for weeks.

“Hey, YN,” Namjoon greets you, while you are yet to be acknowledged by this persnickety client dressed in a designer shift dress and equally expensive heels. Her hair was pulled back in a neat ponytail...not a strand out of place.

A chill ran down your spine, making you wrap your arms protectively around your chest.

“Why are the legs uneven?” Were the first words you hear out of her mouth. “And it looks like a few of them don’t even have any finishing coats yet.”

Her voice was small, but firm in tone. It sounded like the type that was used in professional settings or presentations. It was also the type that turned shrill when provoked.

She looks at Yoongi pointedly, awaiting his answer.

“Uh, by the way, this is Jiwon, my client. Jiwon, this is YN.”

You arched an eyebrow in realization. “Oh…hi there,” you say a little too loudly. You stuck your hand out to her, offering a handshake. Her eyes flicked down to your hand while her face remained stiff. There was a slight wince in her nose, as if she smelled something bad.

Before you withdraw your hand in embarrassment, she clasps her hand in yours to shake it gently. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too. I’m Yoongi’s girlfriend,” you add.

She smiles tightly and proceeds with her inspection on the products.

Namjoon stands there, breaking a sweat, seemingly stuck in limbo. The tension in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

“I brought some pastries, by the way. I got you your favorite, ja–” 

“That’s great. Uhm, could you just put in the kitchen? We’re a little busy here,” Yoongi says, while closely following Jiwon’s every move.

“Oh.” The shortness of his tone stung you, but you soldier on, marking your territory.

“Anyone want anything to drink? Coffee, maybe?”

“I-I’ll take one,” Namjoon says.

“What about you, Jiwon?”

“She doesn’t drink coffee,” Yoongi answers for her.

Jiwon turns her head toward you. "I'm good, thanks for the offer," she says, before continuing her inspection.

Your chest feels tight all of a sudden but you don’t make it obvious. Instead, you smile politely and leave them to do their business.

You move into the kitchen to set your box of pastries aside then set up the single-brew machine to make some coffee for Namjoon.

Distantly, you hear their conversation through the wall.

“I don’t know. I’m really disappointed in the quality. Even the upholstering is mediocre. They look and feel rushed." She narrows her eyes at him. "What’s going on?”

Yoongi nervously clears his throat. “Nothing. All that stuff's fixable,” he says evenly. "All I need is a couple more days to do it.”

“If I give you an extension, can you actually deliver on the quality this time?”

“Of course! You don’t need to worry about a thing,” he answers confidently.

“Alright," she says with a hint of reluctance. "How much time do you need? And is this going to cost me extra?”

“I’ll, uh…I’ll eat up the cost since it was an issue on my end. And regarding timing–”

“How are you gonna get this all done? Are you sure that you can do this?”

“Yes, I told you–there’s nothing to worry about. I’ll hire more guys and pay overtime. We’ll get this done for you.”

You notice how he doesn't mind calmly and patiently reassuring her multiple times, no matter how many times she asks the same question to him in different forms and verbiage. Meanwhile, he starts getting annoyed when you ask him what he wants for dinner multiple times, after deferring to you to decide.

She's seemingly satisfied with his affirmations, she relents. “Okay. I guess Namjoon and I can just circle back?” She turns to Namjoon, who nods in agreement.

All three of them walk toward the front door.

“Yeah, just call him. Or you can call me directly to follow up, too.” Yoongi offers.

“I’ll just reach out to both of you, I guess,” she answers dryly

You peek from the kitchen just in time to see her give Yoongi a lingering hug. “Thanks again, Yoongi. I really appreciate this.”

“Of course…anything for you, Jiwon.”

With that, your heart sinks to your stomach and you suddenly have the urge to vomit. You retreat into the bathroom and hurl but nothing comes out.

******

Later that evening, you were working late on the restaurant revamp contract. You had to place a call to your other supplier to make sure that their quote was still good since the client had asked for it to be adjusted, for the fifth time.

It was a good thing you’d work with this supplier for nearly a decade now. You pretty much had the owner on speed-dial.

Unfortunately, Yoongi was planning on pulling an all-nighter so he could finish one project to make fixes to the other project that he messed up.

“Jagiii!” You yell out from his bedroom, hoping he’d hear from all the loud banging he was making.

“Yeah?” he bellowed from his workshop.

“Could I just have five minutes for a phone call?”

“Can’t you just take your call outside?” He responds.

That was weird, you thought. You could, technically, take the call outside but you needed your laptop and documents in front of you in order to make changes in real-time. 

You walked out of the bedroom and into his workshop. “Please? It’s only for a few minutes. I just really need to sweet-talk this supplier so I can get this contract sealed.”

“No!" he bristles. "I’m so behind on this project already. Every minute counts!”

You scoffed. “Seriously? What’s five minutes? This project’s already delayed. Not to mention that your backlog is nuts–”

He looked up at you and snapped, “Exactly! Do you think my work is easy? Do you think any of this–” he waved his arm at the room, “...is easy?”

You chuckled at his abrupt change in tone. “What the hell crawled up your ass?”

He huffed out a breath. “I’m saying, that I hate how you think that I can just chill every time and pull me away from my work–”

“Woah-woah,” you stop him right then. “I never said anything like that. I’m literally asking for five minutes and you’re here getting your panties in a twist.”

He tosses the mallet and piece of metal sheeting haphazardly on his work table. He raked his fingers through his hair in exasperation. “See, this is why I can’t get this damned thing done–”

“You can’t or won’t?”

“What?” He asks, utterly confused.

“You can’t get it done or you don’t want to get it done because you want to delay it further? Because getting it done means the end of your contract with her.” You walk away from the workshop and into the living room.

“Are we really going to argue about this again?” He asks, still standing in his workshop.

“Yes!” You say loudly from the other room.

Seconds later, you see him round the corner and join you. “Why? Why do we need to argue about this? What’s the point?” 

You let out a sharp breath scowled at him. “I heard the way you talked to her! Going out of your way to pay your guys overtime, moving your whole schedule around to deliver her shit…and that goodbye hug?” You let out a pained, mocking laugh.

You held off for as long as you could but you were already deep into a jealous rage. The way he spoke so gently to her, trying to assure her that she didn’t need to stress off her order. Offering to cover the extra expenses, was too much.

“She’s a client and we just happen to have a history. So?”

His flippant comment further incensed you.

"That's the point! You have history!"

He groaned. “You're getting pissed at this? When it was pretty much the same situation from when we ran into your married guy.”

“My married g—" You scoff at him. "Now you’re turning this conversation about me? My past?”

“Well, yeah! You acted all weird when we saw what’s-his-face!” He retorts.

“Right, but in my case, that was the first time I’d seen him in a while. Have I seen him again since then? No. But you? You are working with Jiwon, day in and out!” You exclaim angrily.

“‘Call me directly…’” You say mockingly. “‘Anything for you...'”

“We have a professional relationship, okay? She is my client.”

“Couldn’t you get different clients? It’s not like you have a shortage in your backlog.” You countered.

“Jiwon has been my longtime client. I’ve made many connections because of her.”

You clenched your jaw and seethed.

“You go out to dinners and have drinks with your clients all the time! You come home late after partying all night,” he scolds.

“I am not partying!” You argue.

“Sure,” he says sarcastically.

“At least I was never engaged to any of my clients,” you countered bitterly.

He glared at you. “So she’s my ex-fiancee, big fucking deal! The operative term, being ‘ex,’ okay? What is your point here, exactly? Why are you getting all worked up about this?”

You stood up from the couch and angrily stomped toward him. “Because it hurts my feelings! And I can’t help but think that you still want her.”

“But I don’t! I love you!” He insists.

“Why do you love me?” You asked in a sudden, calmer tone.

“What?” He’s taken aback by how unreasonable and ridiculous you were sounding.

“I’m asking--Why. Do you. Love me.” You punctuate each phrase. “Why are you with me? Are you with me just to prove to yourself, or to her that you’ve moved on?”

“Why are you being like this? We’re arguing in circles here!” He yells out in frustration.

“Okay, fine. I’ll make it easier for you then. Let me ask you this–are you really over her? Because if you’re not…fuck…just tell me and we can put a stop to this craziness right now.”

“I’m with you, aren’t I? What else do you want from me?”

Heat prickled at your forehead and you start to taste bile in the back of your throat. What else do you want from me? Like he was doing you a fucking favor?

“What I really want to know from you is–why is it that my ex is a problem for you? So I ran into the guy. A guy whom I haven’t had any contact with at all since I ended things and still haven’t had contact after the fact? And yet, you expect me to be completely fine with you communicating regularly with your ex? ”

The silence is deafening as he’s despondent for a minute. At this point, the tears flow freely down your cheeks.

“Don’t you think there’s anything wrong with that?” You ask him pointedly.

“I don’t see it that way.”

It wasn’t the answer that you were expecting so you drive your point home. “And you wouldn’t consider breaking off a working relationship with your ex-fiancee even after I’ve told you that the amount of access that she has to you makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable?”

Yoongi shook his head slowly. “I just can’t drop a longtime client like that.”

“You mean you won’t drop her.”

“Please, just listen–”

“You know how I feel right now?” You interrupt him. “I feel like a shiny new thing that you’re just using to prove to yourself that you’re over her. It makes me feel like a piece of shit.”

He squeezes his eyes shut, a pained expression on his face. “You think I’m using you as a rebound? Is that it?”

“Aren’t I? Maybe you only liked me because I’m the complete opposite of her! You know, I’m loud, I like to go out…I drink…I’m fun…” You swipe at the tears that spilled out of your eyes. “I’m not the type you bring home to mom. Not the type you’d marry, right?”

“For fuck’s sake…can you stop thinking that everyone’s out to hurt you?”

“Do you really love me?” You ask him point blank.

He returns your gaze and held it there for a minute before answering. “Yes, of course I do.”

“More than you love her?”

He is dumbfounded by your question. It was unexpected but you needed to know…desperately. You needed to know to help put your fears aside. Unable to meet your gaze, he looks away.

His reticence told you that you were at an impasse. Locked in a stalemate, without any moves left.

Swallowing what felt like glass shards down your throat, you say, “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” You turn on your heel and walk off.

The next morning, you packed up your things and left.

Now…

“So who did you love more, me or Jiwon?”

Growing flustered by your invasive question, he panics. “What is this, an interrogation?”

“Oh, come on…” you say in jest. “We’re just two people having an open conversation here.”

“Are you serious?” He laughs, his gummy smile in full display. “So I really have to answer that?”

“Do I look like I’m kidding? It’s not like we have ties to each other anymore. We’ve had enough time apart, time to think things through.”

“Why do you need to know so badly?”

“Because! I feel like I’m entitled to that information,” you say in a light, joking tone. Then, you turn a bit more serious. “Also…we used to care about each other at one point in our lives. I feel that I’ve earned the right to ask.”

He shifts his weight between his feet, taking a sip of his drink–you hoped–would help give him the extra push to answer. Except, he doesn’t and instead grins shyly.

“Still no answer, Mr. Min? Alright, fine!” You raise your hands in defeat. “I’ll give you easier one.” You cleared your throat. “Are you still scared?”

He finds your question humorous. “Scared of what?” He clarifies.

“Repeating the whole process. To start from scratch again–the whole getting to know one another…falling in love…only to be faced with the possibility of it not working out. We talked about that a long time ago, remember?”

His face visibly relaxed. “I do…very clearly, in fact, now that you mention it.”

“And?”

He moistened his lips and stared straight at you. “The truth is, I'm not afraid to take that gamble anymore...in the off-chance that I get lucky again and feel the way I felt when I was with you. I'd happily make that bet over and over.”

You feel your throat tighten in an instant. Your mouth opens to suck in a sharp breath. “Damn.” You start to fan yourself…now you were all flustered.

He kept his eyes on you. They wordlessly profess everything he’s been feeling all those years that you spent apart.

“And I agree that you’re entitled to know that I loved you more.”

You were at a loss. All that pomp and confidence that you felt had shriveled up at his confession.

“Well, you asked. So there you go.”

You laughed. “I know…I deserved that,” you say uncomfortably.

Your speechlessness makes him smirk triumphantly, making you both chuckle and effectively breaking the tension.

From a distance, the music fades under the chatter while Namjoon’s voice booms through the microphone. “Good evening, everybody!”

You and Yoongi turn your attention to the middle of the room, where Namjoon stood along with Hyejin.

“I just wanted to thank you all for coming out tonight. I’m so happy that I have great friends and partners who are huge supporters of local art. We have so much talent here that we need to foster and grow. I’m glad that we have a space to promote this art so that other people can familarize themselves with it and appreciate it as well. I’d like to thank my friends who have enabled me and listen to me whine about this concept for years–it’s finally happening! And of course, my fiancee–Hyejin…baby, thank you for being patient with me and supporting my dream. I love you so much!” The crowd gushes as he pulls her in for a sweet kiss.

“And with that, let’s keep this party going, huh?” Namjoon hands the microphone back to the DJ and the music swells once more.

Yoongi turns to you suddenly. “Do you want to dance?”

You laugh, “Seriously?”

“Why not? It’s the least you can do for me after I bared my soul to you,” he says.

You roll your eyes playfully at him. “Alright! Just one song,” you say to him.

You both make your way to the makeshift dancefloor and start bobbing your head to the beat. You sway your hips to the music while you both sing along to a song familiar to both of you.

As the music plays on, the crowd gathers around you, pushing you closer together.

Although you are hyper-aware of his presence and proximity, you continue to dance to the beat. You vaguely feel his hand on the small of your back, in a sort of protective stance while the crowd closes in. At a certain point, your hips were nearly fused together, and your faces were mere inches away.

And there it was, that familiar scent of pine and citrus. The memories you had locked away years ago had resurfaced once more–coming at you in a flash while you stared into his eyes. You felt yourself fall deeper into them. The inches between you decreased…and soon enough, the tips of your noses brushed against each other.

Then, you unexpectedly jump, startled at the sound and feel of your phone blaring from your pocket. You fish it out to see the name ‘Wooyoung’ flashing on the screen.

You decline the call but send a text message, saying that it was a little loud and that you’d call back.

You back away from Yoongi, suddenly desperate to enforce some distance between you two lest you completely lose the last shred of self-control that you were clinging onto.

Once you were finally away from the crowd and into a more open, quiet space, you say to him apologetically, “I have to go.”

He pursed his lips as if trying to hold himself back from saying something. You stand there, waiting and wondering if he would change his mind and just come out with it.

After a few beats of silence, he forces his mouth into a smile, then nods. “Alright,” he says simply.

You blinked slowly. It was a pathetic effort at a reality check for you. He said the right words and gave you the absolute closure that you needed for your relationship. A small part of you wondered what would have happened if Wooyoung hadn’t tried to call you. Would you have gone in all the way to kiss him?

Sadly, it didn’t work out that way so you’ll never know. “It was good to see you.” Your smile didn’t reach your eyes.

“Yeah…” he breathed out. “It was good to see you, too.”

“Well…I guess this is goodbye.”

You don’t wait for him to respond and instead, you turn on your heel and walk toward the exit. You tried to search around for Hyejin and Namjoon to say your ‘goodbyes’ but they looked like they were deep in conversation with another patron. You decide to shoot her a text when you got to your car instead.

Once you step out and the cool air hits you, you release one, big breath that you felt that you were onto for so long.

******

You sat alone in your car, contemplating the events that just unfolded minutes ago. You never thought you’d see him again–never. But, as fate would have it, your best friends managed to link up. How fucked up was that?

Your phone pinged, signaling a text. You lift the screen to your line of vision, seeing a name that was suddenly unfamiliar to you, with a text that said, ‘Headed to the restaurant now. Can’t wait to see you.’

You face falters at the promise. You sighed and leaned against your car’s headrest and closed your eyes.

What was he trying to pull back there? Making you yearn with all that talk about risking it all just to get a chance with you again. Who talks like that in real life?

Two knocks to your driver-side window startle you back into reality. You glanced over and see his cat-like features peeking through the glass.

You roll your window down and try to sound as casual as possible. “Hey! What’s up?”

He smiles shyly. “I…walked around the parking lot out back then down the block, hoping to still catch you.”

“Oh?” Your voice goes up slightly. “Haven’t had enough of me yet?” You tease him.

He chuckled at your cheekiness. “Yeah,” he sighed heavily, “I... didn’t like how we left things back there. You just ran off.”

You were incredulous. “Really? I thought we were good. I didn’t see anything wrong about the whole exchange. I said goodbye–”

“Yeah, exactly that,” he cuts you off. “You said ‘goodbye’.”

You chuckle awkwardly, confused by his remark. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to say when you leave?”

“I know that but…I didn’t want you to leave.”

Your stomach does somersaults. You close your eyes for a second to internally smack yourself in an effort to keep it together. “Uhm…I…I don’t…I d–” You stutter.

“I didn’t want you leave.” He repeats firmly. “I can’t let you walk away from me again.”

“Y-Yoongi–”

“I fucked up. I should have gone after you that day.”

You feel your nose start to sting so you swallow thickly and grip your steering wheel tightly. Yes, you wished that he had called you or stopped you from leaving. But after enough time had past, you just thought that whatever he believed then was stronger than how he felt for you. Thinking about it more, you didn’t reach out to call him either to talk things through. At the end of the day, you just thought that it wasn’t meant to be.

“We weren’t good for each other then.”

“Because it wasn’t the right time for us then. We both had shit to work though–I know I did. And I realized that I’d rather do this with you than anybody else.”

You inhale sharply, trying to choke back the tears while hanging onto your last shred of self-preservation. “You hurt me,” you barely whisper.

At this point, he crouches by the driver-side door. “I know. And I’m truly sorry for what I did. I can’t change my actions or my words from that day and that’s something that I’ll never live down. But I promise to make it up to you this time…if you’ll let me.”

You rubbed your eyes in annoyance. You were incredibly frustrated with him and frustrated at the thought that was another man who was excitedly awaiting your arrival at a restaurant a few miles away. You even jokingly imposed a stupid 5-date rule before sleeping with him, but he respected your decision and you liked that about him.

Tonight was the fifth date. The night he was expected to seal the deal with you–and yet, here you were with your ex, seemingly at a stand-off.

You look straight into his eyes. “I don’t think it’s fair that you would back me into a corner like this. That’s just not–”

“I’m…I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to lose my chance again. For the longest time, I kept telling myself that if the opportunity presented itself, I would take it. And tonight…I…I just didn’t expect tonight to happen. And I know that you have plans but…I just knew that if I let this moment pass again, then I’m no better for it.”

You pursed your lips, unsure of what to say to him even though a thousand thoughts were running through your head.

“What do you want me to do? What are you asking from me?” It was all you could manage to cobble up. You were a mixture of confusion and irritation. You just wanted him to be straight with you.

“I want another chance. I want to give us another shot because…I still love you.”

At that point, his admission pushes your tears off the brim.

“Please don’t cry. I don’t mean to make you sad. I just wanted to tell you the truth. I’ve been miserable without you.”

You waited so long to hear him say those words. For a while, you agonized at the thought, wondering if he actually ever loved you. If you were even someone worth choosing.

“Why tell me now after all this time has passed?”

“I couldn’t love you as the old me then. The old me who let you down and made half-ass promises. I had to get myself together.”

“Oh, so now you’re ready?” You ask sarcastically, swiping at your cheeks.

He stares at you earnestly. “Yes,” he says firmly. “It took me some time to realize that I was being stubborn. I thought that I didn’t need to change anything because I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. And it took me that whole time to really get what you were trying to say to me….what you asked me to do for you.”

You let out a chuckle. “I’ve had plenty of time to think about that, too and realized that I was being unreasonable back then.”

“Maybe. But…the more I thought about it, I realized that you were asking me for assurance and I refused give it to you…when I really should have.”

“Look, I shouldn’t have questioned the way you ran your business,” you demurred. “I crossed a line—“

“But that wasn’t it, though,” He insists. “In reality, there was no other logical reason as to why I kept a longstanding contract with Jiwon. I was trying to torture myself because I believed that I could totally look past that history and keep it strictly professional.”

Years ago, you would have pointed and laughed at him, and done a victory lap on your vindication.

“I was completely delusional back then and I needed time to figure the rest of my shit out.”

“And have you?” You ask him.

“Yeah, I have…and I found out that I still very much have trouble letting go of the past,” he concluded wryly.

You both chuckle at his honesty. Minutes ago, you had your hand on the ignition, ready to leave him…again. 

“Yoongi…”

“I know, I know…I have the worst timing,” he says ironically.

It was the understatement of the century. When you walked out of your door earlier tonight, you had no idea that you’d run into Yoongi, much less receive a proposition from him.

You couldn’t argue against the fact that he hurt you badly last time. You wanted him to go after you when you walked out on him…But just the same, you had to work through your own issues, too. The time apart was necessary to do some growing.

Truth be told, you were perfectly fine at the start of the evening. You were having fun, taking trips down memory lane.

But there was always something about him. Something that no amount of time or distance would fully make you understand the hold that he had on you.

You had moved on from past lovers without incident. But you fell for Yoongi so deeply in the shortest amount of time. When it all ended, you wondered every now and then, whether the untapped potential of your relationship was what made that ache linger…or perhaps it was just him.

The tension is broken when your phone rings again. You glance at the screen and it was what-his-face’s name flashing.

You look up at Yoongi, whose face falters slightly but he relaxed his shoulders and stood up from his crouched position. He still bends down a little, leaning on the window frame.

“I know you have somewhere to be so…I guess I’ll just leave it at that. You can call me…or whatever. I just didn’t want to let this moment pass without getting that off my chest.”

You sighed heavily at the option he’s left you with. You glance at the missed call notification that flashed on your screen.

“Please get home safely, okay?” He taps his palm on the roof of your car softly and with a soft nod, he begins to walk back to the venue.

You were torn–torn by the sound of the unheard message alert that sat in your voice mailbox and Yoongi’s fading footfalls.

But deep down, you already knew what you wanted. Your mind and heart had already decided for you the second that you saw him from across the room this evening.

Now, all you had to do was propel your body to physically execute that decision.

You swipe at your phone screen to make the notification disappear then push your car door open.

“Yoongi, wait!”#

◤Part 1 | Main Fic Masterlist

You've reached the end, thank you for reading! If you loved it and/or curious to learn more, please comment, reblog, or send me feedback! 📩. I love hearing from readers! If you didn't like it so much, I would still like to hear about it💜

Tags: @internetjunkdrawer @itdoesntmatterwhy @yoongukie-ff @deepseavibez @miksancheese @shesoldbutcute @yu-justme @joonschocochip @starbtslove

[proudfreakmetarusonniku]

i think it’s morally correct to make content related to art made by awful people in a way that’s specifically to show and educate how fucked up their worldview is tbh. people in that fandom either already hate the dudes and have gone full oc, or they believe and support the creator and they’re in desperate need of learning why, say, adults isolating you and making you do things that you don’t like is bad (as a hypothetical, to clarify- I’m not using a specific example I feel that’d be crass). if a work is problematic I think that means there needs to be more efforts to reach out to those taken in by it, through fiction and through compassionate words, because young people being harmed by these ideas do need help before they hurt themselves. i'm not supporting the art but not the artist, im trying my best to use the art to bludgeon the creator to death and i always will. while i get there are stuff that any eyes on it are being used to spread hate and harm by its creator, in general i think engaging with problematic media by problematic authors is not just okay but helpful, because kids being taken in by that stuff need to learn from people who will not attack them. don’t give money or support to the creators, obviously, but i think one person engaging in the world and characters of problematic media by fucked up people specifically to examine Why it's bad in a compassionate way will probably help more people than a thousand people expecting people to instantly know, especially when it comes to complicated topics like abuse.

[dreamkidddream]

Hey guys!

After a lot of heavy thinking, I decided that I will be archiving this blog- but I won’t be deleting anything!

I’ve been wanting to try something new and after everyone that happened, that kinda became the push I needed to make the final decision, which is honestly bittersweet.

If you want the entire reason I’m leaving, everything is under the cut. If you just want the TLDR: I’m archiving this blog and moving to another account (which I won’t be publicly sharing) so that I can have a fresh start. It’s been great writing for you guys and I love you all so much! I never thought I would make it to over 2k followers in my entire life, and it was so much fun interacting with y’all 😭💗 if I don’t see you over on my new account, I love and appreciate every single one of you and wish you all nothing but the best, and thanks for being a big part of making my life a little more brighter 🫶🏿

For those that want the full explanation, here it is! (And buckle up cause it’s long):

So basically the TLDR on the drama/discourse- I received multiple hate messages (one even being threatening) calling me a ped*phile for writing aged up SFW Miles Morales content. I didn’t post the messages publicly because 1. I don’t want to bring discourse/negativity on my blog because I want to keep things positive and 2. I didn’t want to give them attention cause I didn’t know if they were trolling or seriously upset. I made a post celebrating that I got my first ever hate messages as a joke/trying to laugh it off (cause it really did come out of nowhere lol) when the same group reblogged it and started to attack me more. I ended up blocking them and left it alone- but I didn’t feel comfortable writing for the time being because I’m thinking that I really did make people uncomfortable with my works- which was never the intention.

They never pointed out what work was the issue, but I’m assuming (because like I said, they never specify what work or works it was and I know it wasn’t anything I recently posted), it was of my earlier works (Miles with a Flirty!Reader that was posted in 2021). I reread it and not only was it cringe, but I could see how it could be problematic and make people uneasy.

I posted an apology because like I said- making people uncomfortable was never the intention- I was a dumb and inexperienced writer who didn’t know any better. I don’t write NSFW on this blog, and I don’t/will never write NSFW with minors ever. I didn’t take the post down because I didn’t want it to seem like I was “hiding” anything, so I kept it up (but if I was asked to delete it, I would acknowledge it and then take it down).

I didn’t get any more messages after that, but I was really uncomfortable with writing after that.

Listen- I always write my characters aged up. It’s been in my rules since I started writing that all characters are aged up (unless if it was with characters like Luke who I write strictly platonic for). I didn’t know there was serious discourse behind that until I got those messages (and I didn’t know how HUGE it was either). Then I found myself falling down this rabbit hole of that discourse and just honestly feeling worse about myself, genuinely thinking I’m a horrible person for writing, so that’s why I took a break to self reflect on my choices.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t agree with getting called a p*do and honestly think that it was uncalled for and very disgusting. That word isn’t something to throw around like it’s nothing- real people are victims of that, and being called over fanfics isn’t okay. I’m not attracted to kids- most of my content is just soft/fluff, including what I write with aged-up characters that are imagined/in a AU where they’re older than their canon age. If it’s something different (ie. Yandere content), I give content warnings and tag it correctly, and make sure that it’s never crossing over any lines into DC (dark content)/NSFW territory. I know that minors interact with my works and that’s totally okay! I’ve always let minors interact with my stuff, the only thing I set a boundary on is that they don’t direct message me (since I’m not a minor and want that boundary to be respected). It’s never been an issue with minors reading my stuff, which is why I make sure it’s never crossing into a territory that like the ones previously mentioned.

So after thinking for a while and taking a break, I still want to write and I’ll more than likely still be writing aged-up characters. I’ll just be extra careful and mindful with what I post and probably won’t write for Miles Morales anymore (which might be for the best since the Spiderverse fandom has a lot of discourse going on rn that I was not aware of until this happened 😬).

To this day, I have no hard feelings if you aren’t cool with the concept of aging up characters even if it’s just SFW- it is totally okay, I understand. Everyone should have their online experience be enjoyable, and if not interacting/blocking me will help with that, then go for it! It’s no hard feelings. There’s nothing wrong with blocking people if it helps curate your own online experience. This is Tumblr- it’s not that serious especially when it comes to writing fanfiction. It’s a place where everyone should be able to have fun!

I do want to genuinely apologize again, and I take full accountability and responsibility if I hurt anyone with my actions. I write as a hobby and a way for me to connect with others with the same interest- it’s never anything with ill or shady intentions.

If you read this far, thanks! I’m still finishing up with some touches on my new blog, but I will not be posting the username publicly. My moots will have the username and people that I interacted with before, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing it openly after everything that happened 😅

Thank you all again for the love, support, and fun times over the years. When I first started this blog, I wasn’t thinking it would turn out to be anything like this- being able to share my works/interests with people who I could sincerely call a friend has really helped me in my life. Not only with getting out of my comfort zone, but also with making me happy in general.

Love you guys so much- please take care and thanks again for being a big part of helping me be myself <33

Stay safe and take care of yourselves!

-Dream 💫

[ryuichirou]

Hi I just wanted to also throw in my support and let you know that I'm sorry you're dealing with people being horrible. Art is meant to be whatever you want it to be and just because you like something in fiction doesn't mean you like it in real life or are some monster indorsing literal crimes (That's why it's called FICTION). You have an amazing art style and a great sense of humor and even though there are some things I don't like that you make I know all I have to do is skip them. People need to understand the difference between participating in ways to limit real threats real threats (like refusing to consume media made by proven abusers and crinimals) and functionally conservative censorship (even if they don't want to admit that is what they are doing) just because they do not like something or it makes them uncomfortable (especially when that censorship many times comes with unsubstantiated accusations and literal death threats). I'm not one to have the mind set of 'back in my day things were better!' because no they weren't, but one thing my generation did do right was learn how to block and ignore things that they were uncomfortable with instead of deciding that the best route to take is literal cyber attacks (I hate calling it 'bullying' since that doesn't even cover half the horrible stuff I've seen people say and do) on people to the point of wanting them to kill themselves over literal fictional characters in art.

I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE A FIRM SUPPORTER OF NON-CENSORSHIP! NO MATTER WHAT NAME FUNCTIONAL CONSERVATIVES CALL THEMSELVES.

I'm sorry this was a rant but please know that you do have people who support you and even if I don't like everything you do, ultimately your art isn't for me. It's for you, and no one has a right to tell you what you are and are not allowed to create. I hope that things get better. <3333

Thank you very much for your kind words of support. I always say that, but I mean it: it's super important to hear that there are people who understand where we're coming from and let us know about it and are willing to express their opinion. Your ask actually really cheered us up that day <3

You’ve made a lot of great points, and I agree with you wholeheartedly! An artist has their freedom to draw and post whatever they want, and the viewer has their freedom to look at it or block it and forget it. If you don’t like it or don’t get it, it’s not for you to get – it’s plain and simple like that.

And yes, there ARE ways to limit irl threats and problematic situations! There are groomers, a lot of them are in fandom spaces, but these folks are looking at the wrong people. And they know it damn well, their goal isn’t actually to bring justice or make someone feel safe: if that was the case, they would just have a list of tags to block and that would suffice nicely.

Also you’re right, things weren’t better back then, but people really did seem to mind their business and ignore/block stuff they don’t want to see more often. And even when artists/writers/people in general received shit from others, it was understood by everyone than people doing this stuff were just straight-up trolls whose entire goal was to mess with others. But nowadays people who harass, bully, threaten and send “kys” messages somehow try to make it seem like they are morally superior to their victims??? Which makes them even more closely resemble pro-censorship conservatives. Honestly, it’s stupid how similar these people sound to some of the 70 y.o. fools who run our country and the censorship laws they create. It’s like verbatim sometimes. Sorry, I digress.

Once again, thank you so much for your support <3 I hope you are having a great day.

[saezurumurmurs]

Hey!!...how are you??. I just wanted to ask you about what do you think about Alice Osman words about bl/yaoi. From my point of view, she sounds quite pretencious, because I dont feel "heartstoppers" is that great , and she just from be british she has the opprtunity a big plattaform as netflix oppen their doors, so she cant imagine what is been an asian author and how actually his work is BL.

Taking Advantage of A Fandom

I watched the show, and haven’t read the comic. However @absolutebl posted a terrific commentary on this issue a while back:

From my perspective, BL and by extension, yaoi, is a uniquely Asian sub genre of erotic romance.

Alice Osman is a British creator who wrote a young adult LGBT+ romance comic. So the comparisons made seem ‘convenient’ for ‘marketing purposes’.

I personally resent the accusations lobbed against fujoshi of fetishisation, because it’s rooted in anti-woman rhetoric and I won’t have my tastes dictated to me. Everybody has opinions, but not all of them are valid.

BL is full of problematic tropes, just like regular M/F romance… and I’ve been reading romance and erotica for forty odd years. But these tropes are part of romance as a genre, and these tropes reflect our lived context. To single out BL/Yaoi as unique is nonsense. The tropes exist because the reality exists. Storytelling exists to allow us to find empathy for one another.

There are some good academic pieces out there, that debate this far better than I can. What I can tell you is that the internalised and externalised misogyny regarding BL content, is quite painful to me. Somebody always gotta rush on to tell women what they can and cannot enjoy. Dictate their sexuality and shame them for their pleasures.

We literally can’t have a damn thing nice, without some bozo trying to make us feel bad because we like it. Chile, I’m too old for that shit. We are allowed to like what we like, and enjoy problematic media just like anyone else. We are people too!

And lest you think otherwise: homophobia and transphobia’s roots are in anti-woman thinking and policies. That women do it to other women… well, it’s nice to be somebody’s favourite pet isn’t it. You get a padded cage, and the best kibble.

Osman benefits from the BL label, even though her story isn’t in my opinion BL. But criticising and alienating potential readers within the BL fandom seems to be a bit of a sport across ‘BL’ as it’s being broadly defined here. Because throwing shade on fans happens too much… by too many creators both Asian and Western.

Which is interesting, because the global market consuming this content is HUGE. You don’t understand the numbers of people reading Painter of The Night. I believe last year, it was more than all the people who bought romance novels in the West COMBINED. So if you think the Western authors don’t know the market for their stories are pale compared to what BL is doing on a global level, I should encourage you all to get interested in the business of BL. There is a lot of money and soft power in it.

But because it’s a FEMALE audience interested in SMUTTY stories, well… it’s a PROBLEM. Even in the countries of origin.

I get that we should analyze the problematic tropes in BL/Yaoi, but that’s what storytelling is for. I’m not for false equivalencies, because I personally disdain most Western content… and where do you see these types of stories in profusion from Western creators? No place. That’s where.

Maybe Osman has feelings because her story is no Painter of The Night. Maybe somebody asked her one too many times about our smutty stories… and what we got was shade and salt.

I did watch Heartbreaker on Netflix, and it was cute but I don’t feel compelled to rewatch it, the way I do say KinnPorsche or Love In The Air. I haven’t been moved to hunt down the comic to find out what happens next, the way I did when I watched that last scene of Twittering Birds Never Fly: The Clouds Gather.

Chile… Osman could NEVA.