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aspidities · 2 years

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It’s good to be back. 👋

So I did the whole ‘where I’ve been and how I’m doing’ post on Patreon a week or so back, and now it’s finally time for the Tumblr Version, in bullet points for your benefit!

1. Where have I been:

Well, like, still here. But just….I don’t know, not motivated. I moved in October (big yay!) and we got ourselves the puppy, both of which are great and also big life things. Do you know what no one tells you about raising a puppy? It’s like raising a baby. But WORSE. Babies can’t bite you or your furniture or destroy an entire $20 toy the second your back is turned—at least so I’m told.

And yes, I knew this going in and I still had much to learn, lol. Non stop sleep deprivation from nightly poop runs and lack of energy due to constant puppy supervision is a real drag on the old’ creative engine.

Is it worth it though?

Yes. Oh yes.

So 2. How is the puppy?

Great! Cloud took a long time to learn to sleep through the night but honestly he was otherwise an angel to deal with. Never had many accidents indoors, loves every dog and person he meets and is my girlfriend’s dog’s best friend. He’s now fully housebroken, sleeps through the night, knows about ten tricks, and mostly leaves the cats alone. He’s 6mos and a massive hunk at 54lbs and is the absolute best boy ever. Just the dumbest, sweetest, most obedient kid on the block. I love him and he’s my son, and I am his Dad.

So yeah, he’s doing great. You can even follow his Instagram @forecast_of_cloud where I am a huge Best in Show Dog Dad and post nearly every day.

3. Why haven’t I been posting here?

Well, aside from the puppy madness as described above, I have been going through several different creative and emotional journeys, and, as usual, have been totally unable to articulate any of them. Despite writing words being…y’know, the thing that I do.

First, Supergirl ended and that was kind of a wake up call in a way. I didn’t know what else to write once it had finished. I had existing ideas and I wanted to finish them but then….what next?

I’ve been writing fanfic for almost five years now, after a long hiatus from my teenage years, and it’s been wonderfully cathartic but ultimately I saw it originally as a means to an end: to get myself writing more original work. But that’s scary. Honestly, it is. Fanfic is so safe—you can rely on that framework of someone else’s plot, even a barely sketched out one, to hang your own design on. Writing your own work? Hard. Much harder. And no one cares as much as they do about your fanfic—with good reason! It’s harder to break into something you don’t know about.

But lately I have this feeling like I need to try. I’m not done writing fanfic (I still have to give Arcane and Yellowjackets a shot!), and i’m not done writing Supergirl—I just think my priorities have shifted in a big way. And it took me a long time to come to terms with that.

In addition, I found myself feeling more comfortable on the masc side of the non binary world than I ever expected, and the growth and change from that has been huge.

Luckily I have a lot of support and love in my life to help me along that way. ;)

Which brings me to 4. How are things in my relationship?

Awesome. 🥰

J is a wonderful partner and she’s been the main cheerleader for my original work. She is fierce wit, morbid humor, a devilishly good dress sense and a warm little weight on my chest all wrapped in a lacy package that smells of lavender and Yves St Laurent Black Opium. She cares so much about my well-being, both as a person and an artist, and she’s also supporting me in my masc journey by gleefully dressing me up every chance she gets. In return I make her breakfast almost every morning and rub her back every night. We make a beautiful pair of symbiotic creatures. I am a shrimp and she is my goby and we danced to Frank Sinatra while putting up our little Jewish Christmas tree and squeezed each other’s hands while singing along to Hedwig and the Angry Inch on our theatre Valentines date. It’s love, baby. What more is there to say?

So that’s the news from Asptown, where the women are beautiful and the men aren’t cis! I hope you all haven’t missed me too much. I’ll be posting more regularly and i’m STILL going through my messages so just hang in there with me if I haven’t got to you yet. It’s a good thing to be so well regarded, even if it can be overwhelming. I appreciate the heck out of you all. ❤️

#personal #about me #me and my gal #puppy update #cloud the puppy #where I’ve been

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tofadeawayagain · 3 years

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Create for Thra, Day 2: Original Characters (Post 2 of 2)

And now for my “baby gelfs”. I’m very nervous about introducing these to the wider world, so hopefully you all like them :). Once again, these babies are from my Maudra series. I can’t draw, and as such I don’t have any art to share - I hope you enjoy these little word sketches and the short excerpt from a piece I’m working on at the end.

Elidi – Drenchen

Elidi is the eldest daughter of Maudra Naia and Amri. She is the perfect combination of her parents. Her skin is like her mother’s, deep green with a hint of gold. Her eyes are bright blue with gold flecks – in the dark, her pupils get just as large as her father’s, rendering her iris nearly unnoticeable. During the day, her pupils are only slightly larger than a daylighter’s – it’s enough to make her sensitive to light, though, and she often wears clothing with hoods to drape over her head when the three suns are at their highest point. Her hair reaches to the middle of her thighs and is done in the traditional style of the Drenchen maudren with decorated locks and beaded braids. It is silvery-white just like her father’s, except for the streaks of deep Drenchen blue and a lighter Grottan teal. She is petite. She inherits her wings from her father’s side of the family, though they are black, purple, and indigo just like her mother’s. Elidi is cautious – though she is fierce just like her mother, she also has her father’s tendency to investigate her circumstances before charging into them. She doesn’t trust immediately, and she has a knack for reading people’s emotions and seeing through any artifice. Elidi studies vliyaya and healing with her mother and Aunt Eliona in addition to preparing to be the next Drenchen maudra. She is an extroverted introvert and prefers to spend time with family and close friends wherever possible. Although she is good in front of a crowd, being in the spotlight fills her with a nervous energy. Luckily for her, she looks less like she’s nervous and more like she’s on the prowl when she fidgets. The clan knows her to be a competent healer and leader and trusts her in her position as second-in-command to Maudra Naia.

Oria – Drenchen

Oria is Naia and Amri’s second child and is two trine younger than Elidi. She’s only a few inches shorter than her father. She inherited her intensity and her Drenchen wings from her mother, but the rest of her is all Grottan. Oria’s hair is the same silvery-white as her father’s. The humidity in Sog makes her hair slightly wavy, but by mid-day, it is almost always straight and heavy. She keeps it long, though not as long as Elidi’s, and she only keeps a few braids in her hair as a marker of her status. As her father’s star apothecary and alchemy apprentice, Oria can usually be found in the workshop, her hair messy and tied back away from her face, and goggles strapped over her eyes. Her eyes are bright gold, and her gaze is so sharp that she can intimidate people easily. Like her sister, her pupils can expand and contract depending on the ambient light. She doesn’t look much like either one of her parents, but she is a spitting image for Amri’s mother. Though she inherited her wings from Naia’s side of the family, they are a bright teal blue and glistening silver. With high cheekbones and skin that is closer to gray than green, Oria’s unique looks in the swamp of Sog make her stand out – and she loves it. While her older sister is uncomfortable in the spotlight, Oria lives for it. She’s the life of every room, and she wears her emotions on her sleeve. People know where they stand with Oria – she doesn’t wait for the invocation of hard-talk to express her feelings. She loves the water, and if she’s not in the workshop, she’s likely exploring the lakes and waterways of Sog. Oria is likely to get herself into trouble at any opportunity, and she treats rules more like guidelines. She is fiercely competitive with her younger brother, and though she is happy in her chosen career, she longs to see the world – but she can’t leave the swamp. No one can.

Zain – Drenchen

Zain is Naia and Amri’s third child and is only one trine younger than Oria. Zain is mostly deaf (except for low tones like thunder), and he uses the Dousan sign language to communicate. He is a carbon copy of his father, and during his younger years, he even wore the same hairstyle. As a young adult, he changes his style, shaving both sides of his head and keeping the rest secured back in a braided tail or bun. Zain’s skills with healing vliyaya rival those of his oldest sister, and he trains alongside her to become an advanced healer. Like Oria, he is extroverted; however, he keeps his emotions on lockdown. He values his family above all else, and though he is fiercely competitive with Oria, they have an intensely close bond. He also has a close bond with his baby sister, Zenna, and is the one Elidi goes to for advice due to his level head and calm demeanor.

Shiri – Grottan

Shiri is Deet and Rian’s second child. She was born only months before Oria, and they grew up as the best of friends. Shiri is very shy and doesn’t make new friends easily – as such, her circle is very small. Shiri’s childhood is marked by periods during which her mother is overwhelmed by grief at the loss of Shiri’s older brother, Jen. Shiri never gets the chance to know him, but she feels like she is always in his shadow. Though she is raised to follow in her mother’s footsteps as the next Grottan maudra, Shiri isn’t sure she wants to be a maudra at all. She’s got an ear for music, and she’d much rather become a song teller. She learns to play her father’s old lute in her spare time. Shiri’s got Rian’s tan skin and blue coloring, but she has Deet’s messy hair and long ears. Her eyes can adjust to the ambient light, and they are a deep blue color like her father’s. Her hair is a dirty brown with streaks of Stonewood blue, and her wings have the characteristic bright blue and orange coloring common among the Stonewood. She is the same height as her mother, and she’s quiet most of the time – unless she’s singing, that is.

Koa – Sifa

Koa’s parents are both Drenchen; however, they left Sog long ago to join the Sifa. Koa grew up on white sand beaches and on the decks of ships, but he’s always wanted to see the mainland and explore the swamps where his parents grew up. Koa is tall for a Gelfling, and he’s also bulky from his days manning the sails and loading/unloading cargo. He’s got Drenchen locks, but they are covered with Sifan bells and golden trinkets. As a young adult, Koa gets a job working on Elder Onica’s ship, which docks in Sog’s port city of Seaside, only a day’s kayaking distance from the Great Smerth.

Zenna – Drenchen

Zenna is Naia and Amri’s youngest child. Born ten trine after Zain, she is the baby of the family. She looks like her mother, though her eyes are Amri’s dark honey brown. Like her Uncle Gurjin, she is usually unruffled and steady of temperament. Though she isn’t yet sure what she wants to become, she knows she loves the ocean.

And now, an excerpt from mah girl Elidi’s POV:

“She watches the ripples on the surface above as she drifts in the current. The water is cool along her neck, crisp in a way she isn’t yet used to. She knows the concept of cold, though she’s never felt it herself before. The water isn’t cold, yet, but it has certainly changed.

The rains have not stopped for three days. The waters surrounding Great Smerth have long-since spilled over the edges of the Glenfoot, and the islands Elidi grew up knowing have vanished beneath the surface of the swollen lake. It is almost as if they never existed at all. Like her people, they are hidden away, waiting for the storm to pass.

Has it passed? She looks at the line of crystal embedded in the bluestone on the lakebed. Though the vein went clear three days ago when the suns burned as one, Elidi still hasn’t touched it. She doesn’t think she ever will. She tried once when she was a childling. Her mother had been nearby and tugged her away. Naia had clung to her when they’d surfaced, and she’d shouted at Elidi as she never had before or since. She hadn’t been angry – she’d been terrified. It’s a sound that’s never left her.

There is a great splash at the edge of the Glenfoot, and Elidi rights herself in the water column as her sister plunges to the very bottom of the lake. Oria’s at her side with two pumps of her wings, and she raises her hand immediately. Elidi presses her palm to Ori’s, and her sister’s anxious voice fills her mind.

They’re waiting for you in Mum’s chamber. They’ve been telling everyone that we need to leave Great Smerth.

Elidi’s brow wrinkles, and she looks past the ripples at the towering heights of her home. Her mother’s balcony is only three levels up. She’s accustomed to seeing her mother standing there, proud and wild. But the balcony is empty, save for the wind and the rain and stray apeknot leaves knocked loose in the deluge.

We’re not leaving Great Smerth. It’s just a bit of rain. Elidi kicks for the surface, and Ori stays with her, hand in hand.

Aunt Pemma is with them. She’s trying to keep them from starting a panic. She thinks we’re fine here in Smerth, but she wants to evacuate New Domrak.

Have they found Deet, yet?

Oria pulls her hand away. Her expression is all the answer Elidi needs, and the two girls continue to the surface surrounded only by the muffled silence of the water.

They glide over the submerged Glenfoot and toward the stairs that lead into the Great Smerth. Elidi plants her feet on the lowest stair and as soon as her head clears the water, her sense of peace is shattered. The glade is louder than she’s ever heard it. People are calling out to one another on the rope and wood pathways strung through the canopy above, and as Gelfling move their belongings out of the residences on the ground floor, the Stone’s Way echoes in a cacophony of anxiety.

She takes a deep, steadying breath, and then she climbs the staircase, exiting the lake and entering the great tree. She keeps her head high, attempting to project a sense of confidence that she doesn’t feel. When will Mother come back? she asks herself. Perhaps they’ll stop panicking when Mother comes back…

Oria remains at her side, only one step behind, all the way to the third floor landing. Elidi can hear the council members bickering all the way in the hall, and she exchanges a frustrated glance with her sister before entering the room.

She stands tall and says nothing until they all look at her and come to a silence. It’s something her mother taught her long ago, and with her short stature, it’s a technique she depends on to gain attention. Her Aunt Pemma gives her a firm nod of approval, and she can feel Oria standing behind her, tall and firm. She’ll hug her sister and her aunt later. For now, she has a job to do.

She catches every eye in the room, then raises a single eyebrow. “Which of you are responsible for all this huff-puff, then?”

#createforthra #the dark crystal #age of resistance #day 2: original characters #original characters #gelfling ocs #gelfling #drenchen #grottan #sifa #drenchgrot #stonegrot #baby gelfs #next generation #maudra #live unbruised #the dark crystal fanfiction

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thirdhandidiot · 4 years

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HELLO LGBTs

DONT YOU THINK ITS TIME FOR A REVOLUTION?

NONE OF THE OBEY ME CHARACTERS ARE CIS BECAUSE I SAID SO, ITS TIME WE START PROJECTING ONTO THEM

•i want to see non binary Satan who couldn’t understand why talking to people was making them angry and started lashing out for seemingly no reason, having to go to Lucifer in a fit of angry tears, desperate for help because it hurts so much, why does it hurt?

•I want to see Beel, who passed so easily, worried his twin would grow to despise him because he never had the same ease transitioning socially, getting called the girly one of the two, always being smaller, weaker next to Beel, and Beel hates it so much, he feels guilty

•I want to see Miku Binder Levi projecting onto fictional characters to avoid thinking about his own problems, wearing baggy clothes and locking himself away, jealous of the other brothers, scared of rejection

•I want gender fluid Asmo, proud of their ability to seemlessly shift between presentations, calling mammon in tears, begging him to come pick her up from this guys house because he’s yelling slurs at asmo, who is sobbing please don’t call me that and they won’t stop

•I want to see the great mammon, who is so confident one day, but the next can’t stand the sight of his body, especially when he shifts and you can see his scars, barley hidden by his jacket, who always feels like his screams are just a little bit too high pitched

•Lucifer, so proud, hurt by memories of before, presenting hyper masc at times, afraid to show any emotions because even though he knows it’s not true, he can’t help but think people will see his as more feminine, and he can’t do that, not again

•I want Belphie, who pretends it doesn’t bother them. ‘Why should I care what some lesser demon thinks of me?’ but is kept awake at night, when everyone else is asleep, no one to help as they spiral in insecurities, their voice echoing in their head, the cruel words twisting, stabbing–

•Lord diavolo, whose parents had been so relieved because ‘that means you can be king– we were so disappointed when you were born female’ and it never sat right with him, even though he’d been lucky enough to transition young

•Maybe even Luke, who only Simeon knows is trans, getting upset when he’s called chihuahua because my voice isn’t that high, is it? But determined to stay closeted and so never being able to tell them why they should stop, and he’s not that small, he’s an average height for boys his age he’s checked, so many times

–But I also want to see sleepovers between the brothers (they agreed it was simpler to keep calling themselves that and that it was better than letting Mammon or Levi pick a new name) where they, just for one night, put aside the bickering and tormenting eachother just to make sure the others are ok, because they all know that they’re struggling in their own ways, and for one night they all sleep in the living room, eating food, watching comfort movies and following whatever self care routine it is that asmo is on currently, everyone gets a face mask, no you can’t opt out lucifer, you’re working too hard again, you’ll get wrinkles and that just won’t do, let us take care of you– and Levi! When was the last time you washed your hair?! That won’t do, come with me, let me do it for you I have these amazing bath salts I just know you’ll love

–I want Diavolo, helping them all transition as quickly and as secretively as possible after he finds out. He wants to be there for them, ever since that night lucifer came out to him, sobbing, pride forgotten because he doesn’t want to be that person anymore. He can’t, he spent too long living that lie for his father, he just wants to be free. Simeon telling him he’s changed and being so proud of him, you look so much more relaxed. Diavolo being so happy to know that lucifer is happier because he struggles to talk about it because Lucifer still believes he‘s wrong or broken in someway, pride too much to overcome, but when it’s just him and diavolo, sometimes he can talk about it, lift a weight off his chest

–I want to see them big eachother up in the way that only siblings can, oi that jacket looks good on ya, can I steal it? I’m gonna get junk food because I deserve it, what do you want? I want them to support eachother on bad days, just silently making them tea when they’ve started into space just a little too long, ruffling their hair on the way out. I want a deal between them to let the others know if something is showing in public, whilst in the house being comfortable enough and trusting eachother enough not to judge because really, they’re all in the same boat here

I can’t be the only one here guys. C’mon. Let make this happen. Tag me. ANYTHING YOU POST I want to see it, I want to see your vent art, I want to hurt with you as you project your troubles, just so that your not alone. @7fckingidiots made a Post Abt the Brothers amd it was my final snapping point, Ive got so many little sketches of Satan, they’ve become my muse for any practice drawings, amd I wanted to say something before but yea, check out their post guys I’ll try Link it. But I mean it, tag me, I want to reblog everything you do, make our own supportive family

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shijas · 4 years

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touched-starved megumi slowly being acclimatised to touch really lives rent free in my head.

like, his childhood was pretty all over the place, and he clearly spent middle school getting into fights and straight up brooding, so it’s make sense for touch in megumi’s mind to be associated with strength and violence and pain and vulnerability, the latter two things would especially be hard for megumi to live with i think???? i don’t really know how to explain??? but like we see that uncontrolled vulinerabilty, and leaving yourself vulnerable is like putting yourself on a wanted list for shamans. and so touch, in megumi’s eyes, should only occur with a few specific purposes and those purposes usually weren’t the most pleasant experiences in his mind. i assume people only touched him for: training/sparring, which is literally allocated time when someone can just straight up, inflict harm; someone deciding to fight him out of jealousy or revenge or fear or some sort of negative emotion; and in the worst case scenario people are touching him to heal him because in some capacity he’s weak, he was not strong enough to do whatever he needed to do without injury. i think healing touches, when the touch has to be gentle because fundamentally megumi is already vulunerable and already hurting would sting the most, like emotionally and physically because sometimes touch, even gentle touch, do he hurting tho... (this got long, but for how nobara/yuji break this pattern keep reading!)

and then nobara and yuji arrive and it’s like a hurricane of positive touching. yuji is affectionate!! physical touch is definitely a part of his love languages and so yuji just enjoys giving hugs!! yuji likes high fives!! and fist bumps!! and holding hangs while swinging them in the space between eachother while walking, even though it’s kind of childish. and megumi doesn’t know how to say no to these things, to the boundless enthusiasm that is yuji!! and he also feels a little guilty because he kinda dragged yuji into this world, away from his friends and the familiar comfort/touch he was used too. so megumi doesn’t like, consciously, try to stop any of the touch despite his general aversion. instead he indulges yuji to the best of his ability, because he comes to find that it’s not always bad and he doesn’t really mind; it takes a while to fully like not have a defensive, fight or flight response to the touches and he defo judo flips and sucker punches yuji over and over, because yuji is 1000000% a sneak affection attacker. the closest touch has ever been to ‘nice’ for megumi is probably healing for his stupid amount of serious wounds, and as both an apology and his first steps in reciprocation, megumi applies the gentleness of healing touches he remembers to the injuries he (accidentally??) gives yuji, because all he really about touch that isn’t supposed to hurt is how to rub softly against a spot that will probably bruise, and how to wrap or plaster a cut from a judo flip that led to some scrapes, he’s very good at icing bumps and twists and strains; and so they put themselves back together like that, and yuji keeps up his ‘surprise back hug events’ like they don’t straight up lead to a bruised sternum.

nobara breaks down the ‘touch is violence, touch is pain and pain is bad’-thing even faster than yuji, because she’s lived by her philolosphy as an affectionate puncher, a sweet kicker; she’s defo the type to bite your fingers and pinch your arm, but it’s well and truly out of all the love she cannot contain in her heart (which frustrates her a little bit so she will give you a sharp jab in retribution for feelings). what helps uncross the wires of megumi’s learnt behaviour (or maybe cross them idk) that ‘touch and violence and therefore bad’, is that her teasing and, honestly barely painful, ribbing is always interspersed by the softest of touches that aren’t tinged by the smell of antiseptic, blood or pity. this type of touch gets more frequent the more comfortable they get with eachother (think learning to lean on eachother post yuji death), like nobara will say ‘ew’ while forcing megumi to lay his head in her lap when they’re tryna catch their breath during training, and if his towel is nearby she’ll pat the sweat off his forehead and then complain about said sweat just because she knows he likes listening to her complain about mundane stuff; and she’ll make a million and one spiky sea urchins puns (did you know the japanese word for urchin is uni and linguistically meguni is a hilarious pun that i can see happening in canon) but is the first to rake her fingers through the mess of megumi’s hair, if she noticed he’s tried and hasn’t been taking care of himself. like yeah she throws her pens at him when he tries to help her with their maths homework, but her aim is so scary good it’s funny, and he can always throw them back and she won’t really get any more angry, and so they throw pens at eachother and laugh about it and nobara sketches random patters on to megumi’s skin with the pen she almost used to impale his eye.

anyway the point i’m getting at (probably incomprehensible into this mess of hc and meta) is: yuji and nobara come along, and suddenly, touch isn’t something that burns a little, isn’t something that spooks, isn’t something that requires the tightening of megumi’s jaw and his ribs and his spirit, and of course, sometimes it gets a little overwhelming (WHICH IS OKAY!! TOUCH AS STIMULATION IS OVERHWELMING SOMETIMES AND THATS OKAY AND VALID, EVEN IF YOURE AN AFFECTIONATE OR TOUCHY PERSON!!) and megumi needs to like take a couple of steps back. and they talk about it, because communication is key, and boundaries are healthy things to put in place, and by god the first years will try and build as safe and healthy a relationship between the three of them as they possibly can! and yeah they talk about it, and some days touch is too much for of them and that’s okay, affection, fondness, compassion can be shown in other ways, through other actions and they’ll utilise those a bit more as easily as they utilise touch a bit less, and slowly but surely, megumi becomes a lot less touch-starved and starts to seek it out on his own and initiate it in ways that are comfortable to him, like learning to braid hair so he can play with nobara’s or grabbing yuji’s hand first while their walking or just pressing his thigh into whoever he’s sitting next to in class and that’s fine and that’s good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i’m very much attached to this idea.

bonus gojo (as per usual): when megumi became his ward, for obvious, bitter, reasons he wasn’t really tryna like touch. this kid. riling megumi up was easy enough with just words and i feel like firstly, teasing is a part of gojo’s love language in a mirror of how it’s a part of nobara’s (mmmmmmm gojo and nobara parallels are another brain worm that EATS me) and secondly, gojo goes through his own thing with touch, and like affection. as someone whose essentially raised on an absolutely, ridiculous, pedestal and then successfully surpasses even the heights of that pedestal to basically become a living legend AND the whole physical, literal thing with infinity or limitless (or whatever his cursed technique is i’m sorry i didn’t pay attention to the cursed energy explanation any of the times it came up) ANYWAY, so gojo and megumi probably both touch-starved idiots. but, like gojo does care for megumi, like as his student and as this kid he watched grow up, like ofc he does because he’s not a completely useless person. and so he definitely encourages nobara and yuji’s plan to positively reinforce touch in megumi’s brain and slowly, for fear of being straight up bitten, endeavours to extend the casual affection he easily applies to the other two, to megumi too. idrk the logistics of it, but i think it’d be cute for one day gojo putting his hand out to ruffle megumi’s hair, but like not imposing his hand, like it’s just out and about really, and usually megumi nopes or hisses or whatever other gremlin mood he’s decided to incorporate to the finite number of facial expressions he’s willing to make, but today he’s feeling charitable and lets gojo ruffle his hair, kinda like a cat ya know, like leans into it a bit in a very clear you have permission to pet!!!! and gojo’s just jojo sobbing through his blindfold like “oh my god my son loves me” and megumi is regretting not biting him.

#fushiguro megumi #jujutsu kaisen meta #jujutsu kaisen headcanons #itadori yuji #kugisaki nobara #gojo satoru #HMMMM I DO BE PROJECTING THOOOOOOOOO #JAJSJDJJDJDJDJD #like i do be projecting jsjdjdjdj #but yeah guys clearly i have a lot of feelings about being touchstarved and megumi #i the gang just gets really close and comfy and i also think megumi wouldn’t be a good at touch person #some of us like affection and some of us get overstimulated when people keep touching us and we deserve to be represented #lmaoooo i’m really sticking to my plan to saturate the tag huh #i’ll rb this with actual blog archive tags after #ALSO!! people write more nobara megumi friendship please #like they spent months together as the only first years #they have shared trauma from it all #let them bond #healthy f/m friendships please i’m begging you

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undertheknightwing · 3 years

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Posted by popular demand: all my dad!Dick Grayson headcanons!

I’m doing the canonverse ones first. My au ones will be in a separate post so this one doesn’t get too long! Enjoy random stuff I’ve thought of!

Important note: when I say ‘canonverse’ I mean I could see it happening in the show’s universe more than an au, I don’t mean everything is going to fit perfectly with the canon storyline we got since there’s not much I can headcanon with the real storyline anyway. Nothing is going on but useless drama and shitty treatment of the main characters. So keep that in mind,,

Dick had a hard time admitting to himself that he cared for Gar and Rach as if they were his kids because of the whole ‘i don’t do family, i work alone’ thing. Tbh the thought of loving someone again, let alone two people, with his luck of family death and misfortune was scary to him and that’s why after Asylum, he left the two in Angela’s care. He knew he was getting too attached to them (that became clear to him when he went dad rage mode on the guards). Then the Trigon thing started and when he realized he led Rachel and Gar into a trap without knowing, he said ‘fuck it they are my kids and they’re in some serious trouble, I’m going to get them out of that trouble even if it kills me’ and that’s why he ran head on into that force field with his only thought being: ‘my kids are in trouble and I will protect them. Nothing can stop me, not even a demonic force field.’

He treats the kids as equally as he can in normal life situations. Like if Rach got to choose dinner the night before, now It’s Gar’s turn to choose. But when it comes to how to comfort them, that’s when he has to change it up because both kids feel comforted in different ways. Both get nightmares and he had to learn how to handle the situation differently for the two. If Rach has a nightmare, he’ll know cause she wakes him up and they’ll talk about it together until she’s calm enough to go back to bed. Now, if Gar has a nightmare, he’ll hear it cause Gar’s usually screaming, which turns into panicking after Dick wakes him up and then him holding onto Dick while crying. Not much talking on Gar’s end, it’s Dick who’ll say a few words. Rachel needs words to feel comforted because her mother hugged and kissed her growing up but they never really talked, so she felt like she never knew her mother while Gar needs physical affection because he grew up without it and got his thoughts and emotions manipulated by words. And throughout the next day, he’ll check on the Gar or Rachel to make sure they’re doing alright.

When Dick went to Doom Manor to get Rachel, that man did not think he’d be leaving Doom Manor with another kid but surprise! he does. Why though? the show never explains why Dick just decided to take a random kid with them. Well in my headcanon it’s because Rachel refused to leave Gar with the Doom Patrol and to help Dick realize that Gar was being treated horribly here, she used her abilities to show him what Gar’s been going through. Dick saw the things Rachel saw like Chief shooting him just because he stood up for himself and the things she didn’t see, like all the times Chief treated Gar like he was worthless trash and the Patrol’s neglect by keeping him down in a basement with nothing to keep him entertained or company. Dick wasn’t going to let a child be treated like that. Since Chief was knocked out, he just talked to the other three and by talk, I mean rip into like an angry momma bear and tell them he’s taking Gar with him. Cliff wasn’t a fan of how Dick came in and acted like he’s entitled to whatever he wants. That ended with Dick and Cliff screaming over each other until Rita allowed Dick to take Gar with them, though Dick wasn’t looking for permission from them, just an agreement from Gar himself. He got that rather quickly.

He’s never raised his voice at either of the kids in anger. Not even when Gar almost got himself killed by following Jason, he made sure Gar knew he was disappointed and upset with him by calmly explaining; not yelling. No shock to anyone there that Dick has some issues with his anger and he’s afraid one day he’ll take it out the wrong way on the kids and say something he doesn’t mean just because he’s angry/stressed, ultimately harming his relationship with them. I think the only time he’d actually yell at one of them is in serious situations, like if one of them froze up during a mission, making them an easier target, he’d yell their name or something to try to get their attention and snap out of it.

Kind of on the same note, how he manages worry is very different. He will be over the top about it. He’s very dramatic. Rachel got sick and better believe he learned how to make homemade chicken noodle soup because Alfred would do the same with him. Besides that, he’ll hover around her just in case she needs him, which Rach might take advantage of just a little because what kid doesn’t? She’ll have Dick carry her to bed and tuck her in. Gar slipped during a race with Jason up the net wall in the training room and broke his arm since ya know, he fell onto that hard ass mat and since him nor Rachel can go to the hospital because they’re metahumans, Dick had to fix Gar’s arm, which he wasn’t thrilled about since he was afraid he’d make it worse, but Alfred (over the phone) walked him through it and Gar turned out fine, no further injuries. The only thing Gar got was an overprotective bird dad constantly wanting to be around him and Gar was 100% cool with that. They got some well deserved father-son time. I’m also going with Dick feels awful about Gar’s injury because he wasn’t around when it happened so he couldn’t try to catch him and hearing ‘Gar fell from the net wall and he’s not moving’ coming from a panicking Rachel threw him into a completely frantic state of mind. It’s all worry for Dick but Gar helps him feel better with his cheesy jokes and puns.

I have a feeling after a few months around him, Gar and Rach start adopting Dick’s reactions to certain things and his mannerisms. Dick feels conflicted about the whole thing. There’s a lot about him he’d rather them not replicate. But Rachel doing his pondering face where he puts his hand over his mouth and Gar folding his arms and leaning against whatever he can when people talk to him, like Dick does quite often, is fine with him. If this teaches him anything, it’s to fix his own act and be a good example.

Dick doesn’t favor either kid, they’re both his favorite but there’s certain things they do that would be considered his favorite things about said kid. Like the way Rachel hums or softly sings her favorite songs while painting/drawing and Gar’s loud bursts of genuine laughter that turn into snorts the longer he laughs. The surprise and love he felt when Rachel gave him a sketch she did of him, he put it on the fridge and probably went to cry in his bedroom so no one saw him. Dick’s not known for his laughter, and most people haven’t even seen him smile, yet Gar seems to get him to do both more than he’s ever in years. The first time Dick has laughed so hard that he started crying was to some sarcastic joke Gar made about a commercial when the living room had been silent for awhile. The day Gar’s favorite show is new is also one of Dick’s favorite days because when the episode is over Gar rushes to him all happy and tells him about it like: “dude, dude you won’t believe it I was so shocked!”. Honestly seeing Gar and Rachel truly happy is his favorite thing in the whole universe.

I feel like there’s been a few times where Dick has been sad that Gar and Rach aren’t really his kids. He wishes he could have given them a happy childhood. Rachel shouldn’t have had to be terrified of her abilities and lied to cause of them and Gar shouldn’t have had to raise himself and be shut away like he was some kind of monster.

At some point before they all reached the tower or the day after, Dick had to take the kids shopping because where did their outfits come from (and room décor?). This is the first time they’ve all been in a normal situation together and Dick learned a few things. Rachel had no problem being around crowds of people due to her more normal upbringing while Gar stared wide eyed at everyone like he had no idea what to do. Dick assumed since Gar’s been isolated from the world around him for so long mixed with his enhanced senses, he got overwhelmed by all the noises and sights. So Dick told him to focus on him and his voice until his senses get used to the many things happening around him. And that Gar could hold Dick’s hand if he wanted, which he did. He also learned that every piece of clothing Rachel wanted was either black or dark blue, there is no in-between, making Dick jokingly wonder if Rachel is secretly related to Bruce. Then with Gar, all his clothing is bright and busy,, matching his personality. I’m also going with this conversation happened at some point: “Hey, Dick, why don’t you get yourself something while we’re here?” “I don’t have enough money for me, just you two.” “You don’t take whatever you want? I do.” “Umm.. no? That’d be steali-- YOU WHAT.”

On the note of clothes, both of the kids absolutely wear Dick’s clothes. If he can’t find one of his shirts or hoodies, he’s pretty sure one of the kids took it and it’ll be obvious it’s his even if it’s plain cause his clothes are huge on them. He never asked them why they steal his clothes but goes with it comforts them in some way.

One night when Rachel couldn’t sleep, she wandered out to the living room where Dick was still awake and watching tv. She tells him she couldn’t fall asleep so he gives her permission to stay up with him. Dick’s tv show quickly turned into a disney movie after that decision was made and Dick’s not the kind of person who has an easy time sitting through all the marshmallowy stories and singing of those movies but they make Rachel happy so he’ll sit through one for her. He’d rather Rachel watch a kid’s movie than his true crime shows anyway. Rach falls asleep cuddling Dick before the movie ends and instead of taking her back to her room, he lets her stay asleep there and goes to sleep himself because she’s comfy and he’s not going to disturb her.

Gar expends so much energy during the day that when he goes to his room to chill before bed, he usually falls asleep with everything on in his room and without being covered up because he just passes out. Knowing that fact, Dick finishes the rest for him. Go in Gar’s room, take the ps4 controller out of his hand (cause he normally streams his shows on his ps4), turn everything off besides the green night light, cover Gar up and just because, place one of Gar’s tiger plushies with him, which leads to Gar the next day being like: “really dude? The tiger again. You’re not funny.” and Dick answering: “I’ll stop when you fall asleep correctly.”

Dick now knows how to braid hair multiple ways thanks to Rachel. When the original Titans returned, Dawn said how beautiful Rachel’s hair was, asking if she did it herself and when Rachel said “No, I wish I could. Dick did it for me, he’s great!” Dawn just stood there, not knowing how to respond because the Dick Grayson she remembered would chuckle and act like she didn’t even speak when she’d ask him to do her hair in the past. Gar’s s2 hair was done by Dick as well. The kids said “our hair is boring, can you fix it” and Dick’s inner Wayne surfaced.

At some point the kids are going to call Dick their dad and he’ll cry, no doubt about that. By the nature of the show, I’d imagine it’d happen during or after some serious thing. For Rachel, it’d be during the s2 premiere. After Trigon is defeated and they’re all settling into Titans Tower, Dick goes to check on Rachel. The day was pretty rough for her. At first Rachel tries to act cool, like nothing is bothering her, but Dick can see through that and she knows. Eventually they get into a deep conversation about Rachel’s destiny, her father, and her feelings about it all. At some point Dick says something on the line of “I'm sorry you never had a real father” after Rachel compares her upbringing to Dick’s. Rachel smiles and tells him she has a real father, it’s him. Sure he’s a little late to the party, but he showed up when she needed him the most and stayed. This will be the first time Rachel will see Dick cry. For Gar, it’ll be after he gets over some sickness his powers gave him since they’re connected to his system and didn’t get finished by the Chief to be properly balanced, they can get out of line. He gets weak and loses his bright green hair/eyes, turning them a dull forest green. It’s not deadly, it’s just his version of the flu. When he’s finally over it and turns back to his normal self, Dick is all overly worried parent to him and Gar, being Gar, has to joke with him first: “jeez man, you are such a parent! All that worrying and pacing you were doing yikes! I think my legs would have fallen off haha!” before going into the soft stuff: “but, it shows that you’re a good one. better than my folks.. thanks, dad-- for, like, everything you did these few days.” then cue Dick pulling Gar into a hug and crying like ‘my purest angel son too precious for this world’.

Early on, Dick kind of sucked at being affectionate through words because Bruce was never with him, so he really didn’t know how to. Instead, he’d buy the kids things they’ve always wanted or things that reminded him of them, like a wooden pencil case carved in the shape of a raven’s feather for Rach and a tropical jurassic park themed backpack for Gar. The ‘hey I saw this and it reminded me of you so I bought it’ gifts are the kids’ favorites.

Ya know that cauliflower pizza Dick makes in s2? Yeah better believe I have a headcanon for why he makes that type of pizza specifically. Dick was having a hard time forgiving himself for killing Gar even if it was Trigon controlling him and this was when he didn’t know how to talk about his feelings, so instead of trying to have a conversation with Gar about it, he decided to do something else to say ‘I’m sorry’. He’s pretty good at cooking (thanks Alfred!) and knows Gar’s favorite food is pizza and that he’s vegan, there’s got to be something he can do with that and as we know, there is. A knock on his bedroom door made Gar remove himself from a video game and see what’s up. On the floor sat a pizza box with a note typed on that read: “I know this is stupid and I need to work on my communication skills, but I’m so sorry for what happened. I hope someday you can forgive me.” now my reasoning for why Gar jokes about said pizza with Rachel is because he and Dick don’t really have a lot that’s just theirs. Dick and Rachel have a lot they share together and Gar kind of wants something he can share with his new dad. So joking about it is his way of covering up his real feelings and no offence to his sister, but he knows how she gets when she feels left out of something so it’s best if he keeps this one thing between him and Dick.

On the weekends aka no training days, Dick normally takes Rach and Gar out so they can do normal kid things. He refuses to be like Bruce and keep the kids shut in the tower all day to ‘keep them safe’ like he did with Dick in the Manor. They need fresh air, sunshine, and fun. Plus he’s with them so if trouble shows up whether by one of their powers or something else, he’ll take care of it. Day activities will be: going to places like the park or the mall, get lunch somewhere, go to the store cause grocery shopping day is Saturday, make dinner at home, then finish the day with a movie. If the daytime is busy with over-do chores and a long time at the store, then night activities will be: going to dinner, either going on a relaxing drive while the kids play their favorite songs over the radio or going on a walk. Both include slushies and snacks for Gar and Rach and coffee for Dick. The last thing of the day is still a movie but more than likely the kids will be asleep before it’s even halfway done and Dick has to carry them to bed. But that’s okay with him, he wouldn’t change it for the world.

There used to be a lot more for the canonverse but I added them into my Rewrite au cause they were already leaning towards au territory,, you’ll see them in my next post

I’ll probably turn some of these into a short fic at some point, but if you see one you’d like to write about, go for it! I’d love to read it!

tagging @not-so-mundane-after-all-97 real quick cause I know she wants to see this post,,

#titans #dick grayson #rachel roth #gar logan #headcanons #long post #if i misspelled something #or messed some sentence up #sorry #i'm exhausted

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iceicewifey · 3 years

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Kaaat can I get some YOU AND VANILLA ICE LORE PLEASE?

1.) SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING THIS LONG I’M CRCYUFJF 2.) i've been sitting here thinking "how much lore is too much lore?" like i don’t just wanna drop EVERYTHING so i’ll try my best not to ramble 😳

also THANK YOU for asking i get so excited whenever someone gives me an excuse to talk about them

okokok so first off i have to mention my s/i, d. shay, because their references go together — she’s named after rapper vanilla ice’s dj in the 90s, dj deshay, and i don’t mean to brag but i think that’s a massive 200iq big brain idea okay carrying on hxjskd

adding a cut for length 👉👈

i’m condensing a lot but: shay is from miami and was in a ‘gang’ before she killed the leader, obviously panicked not wanting to go to jail so she decided that fleeing the damn country was the best plan and that’s why she’s in egypt ;w; …i haven’t exactly figured out a way for her to stay in the mansion without dio turning her into a capri sun but i’ll do that eventually hxjdndm

anyway finally getting to what you actually asked me orz

so she met vanilla by accident while terence was trying to show her around after meeting dio – she wasn’t paying attention to where she was going and walked right into him, and because she was so on edge she straight up just threatened him to watch where he’s going (even tho it was her that wasn’t paying attention) and was like trying to fight him while terence is just there like GIRL NO

she didn’t come off as very threatening tho because she’s so tiny (height comparison below but i mean tiny), she was like an angry chihuahua if anything JCXJJX

she calmed down later obviously but she has a night terror that night about the gang, suffering from them frequently. after waking up from it, she attempts to sneak around to find a balcony or a window or somewhere that she can sit outside and smoke, but instead she runs into vanilla while he’s like,, stalking the halls or whatever tf he does there all day as soon as she opens her door, nearly having a heart attack when she peeked out into the hallway and saw him there. “oh god, you’re not here to fight are you..?”

they’re both like “what are you doing 🤨” and shay tries to explain but basically just word vomits and apologizes at least 7 times for being so unhinged earlier. she asks if she can tag along with him bc somebody to talk to is the next best thing but of course he just sighs, telling her he doesn’t have time for that. she’s basically like “well you do now :)))” and tags along after him anyway — eventually throughout the night they start chatting, she tells him why she’s on the run and he’s the first person to really listen to her ;; that happens a few times before eventually he starts waiting for her outside her door, opening up to her a little about himself, mentioning how most people in the mansion are afraid of him, he even shows her cream - she’s not scared of it. in fact shay was the first one to really treat him like an equal, not out of fear of him or his stand, but because she could, and she wanted to 🥺

there’s still some bits and pieces i need to fill in but i hc that they both suck with recognizing their feelings/emotions so everything kinda came to a head at once but that’s a lore dump for another day, i don’t wanna make this too long, so i’ll cut it off here but somebody remind me and i’ll post the rest someday 👉👈

there’s also,, the whole thing about vanilla’s enmeshment with dio that i’m,, not entirely sure how to work around yet? and i mean i hc him with like the worst past ever but that’s another bridge to cross later cjskkxkx

also i just wanted an excuse to post this gif that started as an extremely rough sketch that i colored for some reason and got stupidly attached to but this post seems like the best place to post it jfjxkdkd

like i said there’s SO much more but i’m not good with keeping track of lore and i don’t wanna spam everything rn but they love each other dearly 💜

#asks #kennabrando #i hope this is good ;w;#jjba self ship #oc x canon #jojo oc #oc d. shay #shaynilla #ship lore #i’ve been awake for a long time does this make sense?#sorry for the wall of text besties #spankz arts

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warmau · 4 years

Text

painter!au jihoon

*this post was commissioned | based very lightly off seventeen - fallin’ flowers tw: break up mention/general angst

“something in your gentleness entraps him you make it look so easy, to love and provide for something he knows a flower is one thing, a human is another - but could you do that for him too?”

you had thought jihoon was going to marry them

so standing in the middle of his studio with the remnants of their relationship, a broken vase of lilies in the corner, his undone portrait of them dripping down with the streaks of paint he’d thrown at the canvas in a fit of confusion and pain

feels .......... wrong

as if you were the one who was broken up with, and not jihoon who is on his knees a couple of feet away

hands stained in watercolors, eyes blank and burrowing

you reach for the wilting lilies first, you’ve known jihoon long enough to be aware of the fact that trying to use words to comfort him right now won’t work

so you silently begin to clean up, plucking items that belong to his ex and placing them out of sight

you take the ruined canvas with half their face sketched out and turn it over

jihoon doesn’t move from his spot as you work - doesn’t say anything - doesn’t even look at you

when you’re done you finally kneel down beside him, bring the hot wet towel to his hands and start to scrub the dry paint from his palms

you try to be gently but jihoon finally speaks

“harder, you have to scrub harder if you want to get rid of them.”

you can’t tell if he’s talking about the paint or of the memories that must be flooding into him

you had remembered how happy he had looked, being in love, being with someone who seemed to understand him

now he was empty and you were scared of what could happen if he was left like this alone

you don’t argue, you scrub harder and finally you get some of the colors off his skin

there’s still smudges thought, the same way there will still be those pieces of his ex scarred across him

time heals everything - you want to say that, but its too early to start preaching

instead you tell jihoon he should go to bed now, you’ll take care of the rest of the cleaning up and put his art supplies away

he gives a vague sort of look toward the bedroom and then back at you

“i broke the vase, the one with the lilies.”

“it’s ok, ive already cleaned-”

“i should go buy fresh ones.”

his eyes glaze over, he gets up and you scramble to your feet in the process

you put a hand on his chest to stop him and jihoon stares at you, but you can tell he isnt focused

“ill buy them, please jihoon. go to bed.”

somehow you manage to get him to turn around

and you are standing now in the doorway to his apartment, with a trash bag full of his exes things and the pathetic looking lilies

you had bought them as a gift when you’d come over to celebrate jihoon’s successful art show

his ex had put them into a vase and gushed over how pretty they looked - jihoon had never been one to be so romantic, but he had said that they looked almost as pretty as his ex did

you had watched them be so loving toward each other just days ago

but now it was all gone and part of you is angry at both of them

at jihoon’s ex for leaving him, out of the blue and with no real reason but the excuse of having “outgrown” him

and at jihoon for calling you after it had happened

but that anger toward him is really just a cover for something else

the hollowing pit in your stomach that has always been there since you met jihoon in college.

the pit you’ve covered with years of support for him and his relationships and his art

the pit, in which sits the actual emotion you’ve been hiding from the world

if you had picked me, i would have never hurt you like this

the thought is cruel and you tell yourself never to think such a thing like that again

but its there, it will always be there, because you love jihoon

not that you ever plan to let that truth come to the surface......

the next morning, you stop by the florist to pick up the lilies you promised you’d buy

you look at them, watching as one of the petals sags to the side, threatening to fall

you dont know what it is about lilies in particular - they bloom so big and beautiful that they often steal the attention in a garden

they’re quite the opposite of you

who has always found yourself more of a queen anne’s lace, playing a side role in the main stories of all your friends

but you adore them above all other flowers, touching the petal made of velvet and suddenly remembering that you had seen lilies when you first met jihoon

you had taken art in college as an extra credit class

you weren’t at all any good, but it was enjoyable to take a course that didnt demand much from you but creativity

one of the first assignments had been still life: drawing baskets of fruit, books on tables, flowers in vases

you had ended up with a vase with one purple lily in it.

the only other person who had also chose it was jihoon

you didn’t know his name back then

just that he was so beautiful, like he had been drawn himself and came to life off the page

his eyes like umber, russet sunsets - his mouth slightly parted in concentration as he let his pencil flow across his canvas

you had trouble focusing on the flower, which is probably half the reason it came out terribly

but it had also allowed jihoon to look over and offer with a quiet tone, that you maybe work on shading here - and dimension here

you had told him you weren’t in the art major and he had given you the kind of look that read, i could tell

before smiling to himself in the way you caved your head in a bit of embarrassment

it wasn’t like you ever thought the meaningless, sometimes only minute long conversation you’d have with him in the art room would turn into a friendship which harbored its way into one-sided love

somehow you had just ended up being invited warmly into his small knit circle

jihoon extending his hand to you after getting a text about dinner with seokmin and jeonghan

jihoon allowing only his and your eyes to fall upon his works in progress, you taking the free time you had to spend at his studio mixing paints and organizing his drawing materials

he never ask you to do those things - but he also never chided you for it

jeonghan had mentioned it once, when you were all walking in the summer evening after a movie outing

that you being able to earn jihoon’s trust was a higher honor than one might think

you had looked from jeonghan to jihoon - who had been walking a bit in front with the rest of your friends

head turned, his profile against the setting sun

“ah - are you buying another bouquet for your artist boyfriend?”

you jump at the sudden question and shake your head

“he’s not my boyfriend.”

you swallow and find that your throats gone dry

“he actually just got broken up with so......”

the florist frowns, taking you gently by the hand and leading you away from the lilies

“then those are not the flowers you should be getting him, you need to get him something that will say cheer up! there’s someone better out there for you - could i suggest tulips?”

you give a polite smile

“no, i think i have to take the lilies.”

when you arrive at jihoon’s apartment, the door is unlocked and jihoon is still in bed

from the way the kitchen is untouched and he’s wearing the same shirt he was yesterday you assume he hasn’t moved in all this time

“jihoon”

you softly speak

“it’s already well past lunch, have you eaten?”

he pulls his feet up so they disappear under the covers again. you look around the room and find a vase full of old paintbrushes

you take it and tell jihoon you’re going to go make him something to eat and that you’ve brought the lilies

he doesn’t reply, not until you turn in the doorway and his voice is smaller than you’ve ever heard before

“can you put the lilies in here?”

“you don’t want them in the studio?”

“no, please put them here.”

you quickly fry up an egg and make some coffee, which you set down on the night table beside jihoon’s bed

you move his sketchbook away and realize that it’s open to an empty page

your eyes briefly glance to see if jihoon has reacted at all, but he’s still

you go back to wash out the waves and put the lilies in

you wrap a rubberband around his paintbrushes and set them by the others which are stock piled in the studio room

a small ping of relief floods through you when you enter the bedroom and jihoon is up, holding the cup of coffee in his hands

usually people would suggest you make conversation to help ease jihoon’s mind out of whatever dark place it has wondered into it

but you just put the lilies down and tend to cleaning up whatever other paper and things you can see on the floor

even though jihoon only finishes the coffee and maybe a quarter of the egg, it’s still a start

the pain he’s feeling is fresh and you don’t want to push anything

but as you tell him you’re off to leave again - you remind him that he does have another exhibition planned in two weeks

on the way back home you hope his love for painting can cradle him through this all

whenever you think of the sadness that comes with being unloved, you throw yourself into your hobbies, scribbling down poems or re-reading novels from your time in school

you’d done it all to stop thinking about jihoon - you hope he does the same too

about a week passes when you return to jihoon’s again, and it’s only because this time jeonghan calls you with a serious worry about jihoon’s exhibition

“he isn’t painting, that’s the problem.”

“what do you mean he isn’t painting?”

“when i came over, he was sitting in front of the canvas with his hand pressed against it - but ........ he wasn’t drawing or painting or doing anything.”

you show up to the apartment after the call and take a deep breath before you let yourself in

today might be the first time you mention the breakup to jihoon, and you don’t know if its too early yet

to make the dread bubble even harder in your stomach is the fact that sitting outside of his apartment is that undone portrait of his ex

its half shrouded with other trash bags left to be collected

you look at the familiar face and clench your fist a bit tighter

if you hadnt done this to him, if you hadnt made this mess - i wouldnt be stuck cleaning it up.

you chide and immediately fall into regret

its not a mess, taking care of your friends is not a mess.

you knock on the door and wait for a moment till you hear jihoon turn the lock

you’re relived to see that his hair is wet from a fresh shower, but the bags under his eyes like crows wings cancels it out

as well as the fact that he looks as if he’s seen the devil himself

“what’s wrong?”

jihoon’s shoulders shrink

“do i really have to answer that?”

you step inside and the door closes behind you two

“jeonghan said you’re having trouble painting”

jihoon’s head drops and the darkness of the hallway makes everything feel closer and more intense

he turns and starts to walk toward the studio and you follow, gasping a little at the sight of it

canvases broken in halves, paint spilled on the floor - but not a single new painting, not a single completed project

jihoon sits down in the middle of it all and puts his head in his hands

he looks like he’s in agony, silent and torturous

is this what happens when an artist loses their muse?

you don’t know how to help and that makes it all the more worse

you just sit down beside jihoon

he lets you take his hands in your own

in the corner of the room those fresh lilies youve bought have wilted again

on one of the broken canvases, the only thing jihoon has been able to paint is those scattered and browning petals

you start to come by everyday after that because as much as you share jeonghan’s worry about the art

you are more so worried about jihoon shutting down

now he has nothing to focus on, just the fact that he’s lost the love of his life

so you try and entertain and keep him alive to the best of your ability

with groceries and company, bringing over his other friends - trying to coax him into going outside

jihoon reacts on some level, but you can tell that he just wants to paint again

all he’s done is brush strokes on the white paper, the shape vaguely like that of a flower but you cant ever tell what kind

he also keeps asking you if you can bring him lilies again

you do, and this time they live longer because you tend to them - and when you do you fail to realize that jihoon starts to watch you

he takes note of the way you move the vase with both hands

the way you keep the steams between the same two fingers every time

you arent burdened by the little chore because its takes at most five or so minutes out of the day

but jihoon unfolds each step you take like a storybook page

something in your gentleness entraps him

you make it look so easy, to love and provide for something

he knows a flower is one thing, a human is another - but

could you do that for him too?

he looks into his hands and the cup of coffee you made for him is sitting on the table to the left

have you already been doing it, all this time?

which is why on the day before the exhibition

when you ask him if he wants you to help him cancel it

he says no, he thinks he can fish something in time

you light up and ask if he’s finally found a new muse, but jihoon blinks slowly

“a new muse?”

“yes, i mean i thought - well i thought they were your muse and losing them meant you couldnt paint but if youre saying you can now then-

jihoon’s eyes turn to ice at the mention but then he shakes his head

“they ...... i never saw them as a muse.”

he stops to think on it, he isn’t lying

“but you loved them, i mean -”

he keeps his eyes down and you fidget, “sorry, let’s not talk about that.”

“i did, you’re right i did love them but that doesn’t mean they inspired me.”

he taps a finger and then looks at you

sitting across from him, how you’ve done a million times before

suddenly jihoon thinks if he can look at you like that for a little while longer

he can create again

he can paint something

so when he asks you to stay still, you do - and jihoon brings his pencil down to paper

only to get up half an hour later and take you with him

he sits you down again and sets up a bigger canvas this time, brings his paintbrushes

and then he moves the vase with the lily from behind him to sit at your feet

“jihoon, are you going to paint me?”

“yes”

“why?”

he looks from the lily to you

“because i want to, and it’s the first time in a while that i think ill be able to.”

you don’t realize it yourself not until you’ve fallen asleep in your position and jihoon is deep into his painting

that the muse you were talking about and thinking he’d lost

had been you all along

jihoon knew it, even when he was in a relationship, that there was no one else in this world that could make him paint

he’d felt it the first time you met in that art class, he’d watched you fumble through your drawing

and usually he wasn’t inspired to draw the mundane, the everyday

until he started seeing just how much it could mean to him

he had been painting that portrait of his ex out of obligation, they had asked him to do it

and so it had been taking a while - it had been unfinished not even because of the breakup but because jihoon didn’t want to do it

and yet here he was, the brush strokes pouring out of him in an attempt to capture every little detail there is to you

he had been wallowing in his pain and hadn’t bothered to look at you again

until you started to be there, everyday, like those lilies

and those lilies, beautiful and sweet

they were yours, you were theirs. to jihoon something about the silk of the petal and the sway of your hair made sense

he doesn’t wake you up, he’s been your friend long enough to know the parts of you he wants in the painting

he only stops when he’s done and his hair is stuck to him with sweat and the sun is rising outside his window

you’ve slumped over completely onto the couch and jihoon comes closer to move you into a more comfortable position

this is the first time in these weeks that he is taking care of you instead of the other way around

when his fingers touch your skin he suddenly feels the kind of sparking urge he has only felt with others who hes been intimate with

your small stir in his arms causes him alarm and excitement all at once, when your eyes open slightly he jumps back before he fears he’ll do something you wont like

in the morning, jihoon is passed out cold in his bed and you get up and rub your eyes

finally you let yourself move toward the canvas to see what jihoon has painted

its you.........its you in every way..........you stare at that face of yours like a mirrored reflection

seeing it like this something ties a knot in your heart

“is this what its like to be a muse?”

jihoon’s voice floats through the room

“you’ve always been mine.”

you turn - because you don’t think you’ve really heard it - maybe its just your drowsy imagination speaking

but jihoon is there and the phone is ringing, jeonghan about the exhibition

neither you or jihoon reach for the phone

instead you ask him,

“what do you mean?”

he doesn’t know how to explain it

instead he looks at you and then over his shoulder into his room

the exhibition doesnt start until the afternoon, and you are in his studio and you are whats brought him back from a point of emptiness

you are more than a muse

somehow you end up with his hand on yours again and this time that spark is searing up through both of you

jihoon’s paint stained fingers splay on the small of your back

you are still a little scared that its too early for this, if its just the wounds on his heart speaking

but jihoons lips only centimetres from yours promise that its more than that

its all that time wasted, his attention was yours that day in the art classroom

and he was an idiot for ever trying to put it on someone else

but like all good things - they come with time and if you want him how he wants you then hes here

and he’s ready to let this between you bloom into something more

you giggle when his breath tickles you before you finally kiss

you wonder if everyone will be surprised by that painting jihoon has done of you when its up in the wall of the gallery

when the lily petals fall from the flower in that vase and land at your entangled feet.

#seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen au #jihoon scenarios #jihoon imagines #jihoon au #woozi scenarios #woozi imagines #woozi au #member: woozi #sfw #writing commissions #seventeen #woozi #park jihoon

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formerprincewille · 3 years

Text

I was tagged by @pamouche and @borborai in this and I finally gotten around to doing it. Thanks so much!

Fav wtfock s3 things: honestly I could go on for hours about my love for this season it’s One of my favorite things to exist in the entire world. I have re-watched it so many times and it always leaves me feeling so happy. Some specifics: Robbe IJzermans, sweet sunshine, love and light of my life, I would throw myself in front of traffic for that boy I love him so much. He captured my heart in a way few ever have. This boy. He’s just such a caring and compassionate person. He’s got his little shit attitude, and he’s definitely a tiny brat, but he is also so full of love to give. I love that he’s not flashy. He’s not somebody that a lot of people are going to notice in a crowd. He’s overlooked by everyone, including his friends. But when you get to know him you see how remarkable he is, because few people are that genuinely good. And the way he grew from hurt and lonely and angry and afraid to happy and confident and not only accepting but proud of who he is makes me cry happy tears. He’s just the best. But the other best is the yin to his yang, his beautiful, wonderful, cool, bold, funny, sweet, and completely dorky art hoe of a soul mate, Sander Driesen. When I think of what my ideal Even would be, he is it. His heart is just right there for everyone to see and he doesn’t hide it. In fact he’s extra about showing it. He’s also vulnerable and needy and feels so very young to be going through such large struggles. He makes me laugh and cry and I would dive in front of the Skam France car for him as well. Love that kid so much. Sobbe. Do I really need to say it? Holy shit they are everything. Soulmates, best friends, loves of each other’s lives. Their chemistry is so good that it doesn’t even exist in this stratosphere. It’s otherworldly. The love that they feel for each other is tangible. They’re one of those couples that when I look at them I think “now those two are going to make it”. You can just feel it. They also somehow manage to hit on so many beloved fanfic tropes but remain realistic because it’s actually canon. Like when couples in fanfic will call each other pet names but it’s rare you actually see it in canon. But sobbe is like hold my beer and goes all out with it. The way they express their love to each other is exactly what the other one needs. Sander is loud end boisterous and goes all out to make it clear to Robbe and everyone else on earth how he feels about this boy. He gives him things to make him feel special and he’s full of affection for him. Robbe is also extremely affectionate, he tells Sander what he needs to hear to feel safe and loved and they love spending time together. Their love is a balm for one another that soothes them both. And it’s clear that neither of them need the other more nor ever did. They both needed one another and met at a time in our lives that they were both in pretty low places and were exactly what the other needed. And they always will be. Sorry, getting emotional again. They’re the otp to end all otps. 🥺 The Soundtrack. I love every single song on the soundtrack. All of them, and I listened to the soundtrack so much on my Spotify that my entire top songs of 2020 were made up of wtfock s3 songs. They not only have excellent musical choices, but they are all placed within scenes so well that they perfectly complement what is happening in the narrative at any given point. Casa Milan and Zoenne and Robbe aka Flatshare Fam. I want to live there. It is so warm, it is so inviting, and it is filled with such love. The support that Robbe got from Milan, Zoë, and Senne was unmatched. I don’t know where he would’ve been without it. Could you imagine if he had had to live with his dad? How differently his story could’ve ended up? Especially with Milan, having someone not much older than he is who has gone through a lot of the same things he has. He was such a big brother figure and mentor and I’m so glad Robbe had that.

Fav clip: Scuse me I’m not picking just one so Dinsdag 16:31, Zaterdag 09:41, Woensdag 21:21, Mandaag 11:03, Zaterdag 08:44 and Woensdag 16:36

Fav scene: Their Vrijdag 21:21 reunion, morning after, ohn/mbm, singing to a shoe, the hotel scenes, and the grocery store. I’m not really sure of the distinction between a scene and a clip 😂

Fav shot: Oh god don’t make me choose. Their hands in Dinsdag 16:31 is a big one. The dual mirror shots of Robbe after Milan tells him about gay pride before the attack to him bruised and battered after. When Robbe is kneeling down beside Sander in Mandaag 11:03. The shot of Milan, Robbe, and Sander playing the pandemic game all cozy by the Christmas tree. Any shots of Robbe and Sander making heart eyes and/or kissing. Any close ups of Robbe’s face and eyes bc Herbots, man. Good god he’s amazing.

Fav kiss that Robbe initiates: Woensdag 21:21, Dinsdag 07:27 and Woensdag 17:21

Fav kiss that Sander initiates: Zaterdag 09:41, Dinsdag 16:31, and Vrijdag 21:21

Fav Sander dialogue: Can I say everything? Okay okay, I’ll give some examples. “Wow, that’s expensive!” “You and me, a hundred percent forever, in every universe.” “I’m holding onto you and I’m never letting go of you.” “🎵Ground control to major Tom. Circuit dead there’s something wrong.🎵” “Are you going to leave me behind?” (🥺) “Zero stars on booking.com.” “The moonlight was shining down on you and I knew immediately ‘he is the one’.” “Get ready to be mindblown!” “All the way or no way.” “Take it or leave it, eh?” “You could try bribing the teacher.” “Robin.” Also literally everything he said during wtfockdown because there’s not a moment where he isn’t iconic. But a really special moment, “Just because other people are close minded doesn’t mean that you should make your world smaller.”

Fav Robbe dialogue: “You touched me and I’ve never felt something like that.” “That kiss was really *head explosion noises*.” “Not in this universe.” “Sander, there is something between us. I love you.” “Jawel.” (I just love the way he says it, it’s so fuckin cute). “Fuck Chernobyl.” “Always.” And of course, his verse in eenvoud.

Fav hug: Mandaag 11:03 when Robbe holds a crying Sander. Also, does the spooning and cuddling in the hotel scenes and Dinsdag 07:27 count? Because I love that. Also Woensdag 17:21. Or really anytime Robbe is being a clingy koala. And we can’t forget his hug with Milan after he tells him about the attack. He really needed that comfort.

Fav 21:21: Nope. Nah in all seriousness they just hit different. Woensdag is my favorite in terms of clip alone because from beginning to end it is just so beautiful and perfect. The music, the tunnel, the pool, the kiss, just absolutely gorgeous. But at that time everything was still really new between them and the aftermath of that was rough. Vrijdag is my favorite clip in terms of what it means for Robbe and Sander. The clip itself is shorter, but it has much larger impact in terms of sobbe’s relationship. It’s not just their first time physically, but their emotional declaration to one another as well. It comes with a commitment. Also them falling off the bed laughing is the greatest thing ever. They are so HAPPY. So basically my answer is both, just in different ways.

Fav Sobbe instagram pic: Why are all these questions so mean? Okay- their first one together obviously because along with Robbe’s caption it’s just a showing of their love being official. But also the grocery cart pics for their 6 month anniversary. The grocery store pic in Ardennes getaway. Robbe’s bday pics of them embracing they’re SO HAPPY omg. And of course, we cannot forget the pic posted for Sander’s birthday. It is absolutely perfect. I love it so much.

Fav song/scene pair: I have a few- both examples of wildfire obviously, past lives in Zaterdag 09:41, and rebel rebel at the grocery store. But I have two more that are not at all happy clips but are two of my fave clips regardless: life on mars/zaterdag 21:43 (that scene is impeccable along with its followup which I consider them a pair but LoM only plays in the first one) and I found/zondag 15:12 (my god I love that scene it’s brilliant).

Fav message between Sander and Robbe: Woensdag 12:45 when Sander sends Robbe the sketch of them and talks about that kiss earlier being Chernobyl. Also everything during wtfockdown but especially “I love you so much Robin.” “I love you too. So damn much.” But honestly they had so much adorable banter during those clips we were truly fed.

Fav banter on Instagram: lmaooo they’re always so thirsty on main you could pick a million examples. I will say I loved their back and forth about emojis on their anniversary.

I will tag @onzeziggy @everyone-has-their-story @bowieexaminprogress @sanderxrobbee @ayellowcurtain and whoever else wants to do it. This was fun!

#wtfock #wtfam #sobbe #wtfock season 3 #tagging games

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everlarkficexchange · 4 years

Text

A Simple Choice

Written by: @justajjfan

Beta’d by: @sunsetsrmydreams

Prompt 83: Katniss is whipped instead of Gale in Catching Fire, Peeta’s the one who’s there to take care of her after. [submitted by anonymous].

Prompt 116: Peeta braids Katniss’ hair to soothe her. [submitted by anonymous]

Rating: Mature

Warning: Mention of whipping. Use of coarse language.

A/N: We’re half-way…ish there. Thanks again @everlarkficexchange ; @javistg and @xerxia31 for continuing to post my really late submission. @sunsetsrmydreams 💚

~~~

Chapter 4

Back in the kitchen I make quick work of preparing breakfast by slicing two thick pieces of bread and while I wait for them to toast lightly, I scoop a few teaspoons of home-made strawberry jam into a small dish before placing everything on the serving tray. Once the kettle has boiled, I pour the hot water into the tea pot and inhale the fragrant steam from the herbal tea leaves.

These are the things I know Katniss likes so I hope it will entice her enough to eat.

I had planned on running over to Katniss’ house earlier to grab a nightgown or something loose fitting for her to change into while her wounds healed but with my unexpected visitor, there isn’t time so it will have to wait until after she’s had something to eat.

Balancing the tray carefully, I approach my bedroom door to find it slightly open. I was positive I closed it before I came downstairs this morning so I wouldn’t wake Katniss from what looked like a peaceful sleep. But as I nudge the door gently open all the way with my foot, I am surprised to see Katniss standing by the window wrapped loosely in the thin bedsheet I draped over her yesterday, starring out towards the pathway and beyond the gate.

I take careful steps so I don’t startle her but the rattle from the empty teacup on top of its saucer ruins any attempt at me being quiet. Needless to say, Katniss doesn’t appear to have noticed me entering the room and seems caught in a trance clutching a separate piece of cloth close to her chest.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking this way about her but even draped in something as plain as a bedsheet and seeing the contours of her body as she stands in the morning light, Katniss is still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on and the urge to sketch her image is overwhelming. But any urges I feel right now are quickly supressed with a more pressing need to check on her wounds.

With that thought in mind, my eyes dart straight to the part of Katniss’ back not covered by the sheet and what I see…or rather don’t see, causes me to loosen my grip on the tray. Luckily, I make a quick recovery of my senses and save her freshly made breakfast from ending up in a messy heap on the carpeted floor.

“Oh my God Katniss,” I announce, my voice choked with elation. “Your wounds…they’re so much better,” I manage to say as I gawk at her bare back in amazement.

The criss-cross of jagged and bloodied welts of flesh that were spread across her back and shoulders yesterday have been replaced by faint pink lines. If I hadn’t cleaned and dressed her wounds myself, I wouldn’t have known they were there.

She nods, bringing the cloth to her face and rubbing it lightly against her cheek, clearly not startled and being completely aware of my presence the whole time, “because you took good care of me,” she replies in a soft tone.

“I think it had a lot to do with Madge Undersee’s miracle salve…not me.”

Katniss shakes her head, “it was you…even after everything. You saved me and cleaned my wounds and—” her words fade as she tries to keep her emotions in check.

She’s always been so strong but seeing her like this surprises me and it hurts in ways I cannot even describe, “it’s what we do…you and me. Protect each other…no matter what,” I concede.

“She was right.”

“Who was?” I ask but she shakes her head again before burying her face in the cloth. Whether she meant her mother or maybe her sister I don’t want to press the issue. Katniss must still be a little groggy from the pain medication and having an empty stomach isn’t helping.

Still holding onto that mysterious cloth as if her life depended on it, Katniss steps away from the window and walks slowly towards the bed and sits, “when I woke I couldn’t find you and I called out but you didn’t answer,” she tells me, her eyes slowly cast to the armchair beside the bed.

“Did you sleep there all night?” she questions, raising her head to look at me. I nod in silent reply. “It must have been uncomfortable for you.”

“I’ve slept in worse places,” I say as I edge closer, recalling our nights in the cave and I wonder if Katniss remembers too.

Our eyes lock onto each other and I have to clench my fists tighter around the handles of the breakfast tray to fight the strong desire to wrap my arms around her and kiss her deeply on the lips. The mere thought is threatening to engulf me like a burning ring of fire.

I’m setting myself for heartbreak all over again and I need to shake these feelings away. Katniss will leave as soon as she has her strength back and when that happens, I’ll be resigned to living the rest of my lonely and pathetic life with only her memory to keep me company.

Clearing my throat, I move to the bedside table and rest the tray on top, “I’m used to waking early and I didn’t want to disturb you…and what looked like a happy dream, so I went downstairs to make a start on preparing breakfast and some broth for lunch,” I say. “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you call out for me. I tend to get a little distracted when I’m kneading bread and I wanted to make sure you had a fresh loaf for toast and of course, strawberry jam. It’s still your favourite, right?”

She smiles shyly and nods, “you remembered.”

“I’d never forget something as important as that.”

Our eyes meet again and for a few seconds, neither of us utter a word. I clear my throat to break the silence and nervously reach for the breakfast tray, placing it carefully between us and pour the tea as Katniss watches on, tucking loose strands of hair behind her ears.

I guess my hair braiding skills leave a lot to be desired.

“Mmmm…peppermint tea,” Katniss says before taking a careful sip from the steaming cup. “Won’t your mother be angry with you for not turning up for work this morning?” she adds a moment later.

“I don’t care if she is,” I say, breaking a piece of toast and holding it out for her to take.

Katniss straightens up and looks at me before her eyes fall on the piece of toast then she draws in a deep breath before taking a bite straight from my hands. When her lips brush against my fingers, my breath hitches at the sensation and I struggle to stay focused.

“I-I’m part owner of the bakery now and I decide my own hours…n-not my mother,” I say as Katniss chews slowly, her grey eyes never leaving mine.

“Looking after you will always be my first priority,” I blurt out without thinking. I should probably apologies for my forwardness but I’m so transfixed on her mouth as she chews and swallows the first piece of toast, I’d only end up saying something even more stupid.

Katniss places the teacup back on the tray and breaks a piece of toast. Good, I think to myself, she’s hungry. But instead of taking a bite herself, she brings it to my lips in offering and I open my mouth wide and gently take it from her delicate fingers.

“Yes,” she whispers as I roll the toasted bread around in my mouth. Caught under a magical spell I want to live in forever, I find myself repeating it but as soon as the word leaves my lips, the smile on my face drops when Katniss brings the cloth close to her chest.

It’s the shirt I wore yesterday.

I get up from the bed a little too quickly and spill some tea on the tray but I don’t care. I’m annoyed and angry with myself for leaving the shirt on the bathroom floor. I meant to take it with me after I showered to throw it in the trash but my mind was happily tossing on what kind of bread I would bake for Katniss, it completely slipped my mind.

Katniss doesn’t say anything as I walk over to the dresser and pull out a clean white shirt from the top drawer which I think will do until we can get something of hers.

“I always forget to pick up after myself,” I laugh, trying to make light of the situation. “Here…let me take that from you and give you this to put on instead of that bedsheet,” I say, holding out my hand with the clean shirt. “We can go to your house later to grab some of your clothes, if you’re up to it,” I suggest.

Katniss nods and takes it with one hand but still clings to the shirt I carelessly left on the floor with the other. “The bread…it smelt so familiar and I was about to come downstairs to find you but I needed to use the bathroom first and…” she says looking down at the crumbled and soiled shirt still clutched tightly in her hand. “I never meant for any of this to happen…not to you.”

“And I wished with all my heart none of this happened to you, but here we both are.”

“How many?” Katniss asks, lifting her head to look at me.

I know what she’s asking and consider lying by giving her some lame explanation but how can I when she’s been holding onto the truth so tightly in her hands all this time, “just the one but I hardly think it matters…not compared to yours.”

“It matters to me!” Katniss says in a raised voice, her chin quivering. “The salve…you used some on yourself and it’s healed just like mine, right?” There’s a desperate look on her face as she waits for my confirmation.

“Peeta?”

I feel a huge lump in my throat and swallow hard, “you needed every bit of that salve and I wasn’t about to waste a drop of it on me. Besides, I hardly feel a thing now,” I admit truthfully.

“Take off your shirt!” Katniss demands as she turns to the bedside table and reaches frantically for the tin box containing what I know sits an empty jar inside. “There’s got to be a little left for you. Your shirt Peeta…please,” she pleads, trying to scrape any remnant of salve that I know isn’t there on her finger.

I take a hold of her dainty wrist and gently remove the jar from her fingers and place it back on the bedside table, “it’s okay Katniss…it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“But you need some too. We look after each other…you said so yourself.”

Katniss places her trembling hands on my chest and guides them down my shirt and I don’t resist. Neither do I when she starts to undo each button one by one then gently pushes the fabric over my shoulders and down my arms. I stay silent the whole time and watch her face intently as she kneels on the bed and begins to trace her fingers ever-so softly over the single welt splayed mostly across my shoulder. My heart skips a beat and I let out a hiss but it’s not from any discomfort I’m feeling.

“Why is it every time I try to protect you, all I seem to do is cause you nothing but pain,” she sniffs, stopping her tender touch. “It was stupid of you to try and stop Thread. You should have stayed away.”

“Both us know I wasn’t about to stand back and watch Thread try to kill you. What were you thinking sneaking back to Twelve after you escaped with Gale and your family? That was pretty stupid too,” I counter, pulling my shirt back over my shoulders. “Why did you do that…come back I mean?”

“I-I already told you,” she answers as she helps me rebutton my shirt.

“You weren’t making much sense,” I admit. “You mentioned something about coming back for me but I’m sure that can’t be true. It was just the medicine talking,” I say as my mind replayed her slurred and sleepy words from yesterday.

“It is true Peeta. I came back for you.”

Her words are clear and precise and this time there’s no mistaking them.

…tbc

#Springtime Edition 2020 #submission #justajjfan #prompt 83 #prompt 116

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moth-song-archives · 3 years

Text

The Insatiable Flow of Time (1/8)

I remembered that I can make posts here too huh! Anyways, I wrote a post-MAG200 fic <3

I’ll reblog it again with the link to ao3 if you’d prefer reading it there :D

Rating: Teens and Up Archive Warnings: Choose Not To Use Categories: F/F Relationships: Georgie/Melanie, Georgie & Jon, Jonmartin (mentioned) Characters: Georgie Barker, Melanie King, Jonathan Sims, the Admiral, Basira Hussain (mentioned), Rosie Zampano (mentioned), Martin Blackwood (mentioned)

Additional tags: Diary/Journal × post mag200 × Post-Canon × Canon Compliant × Rated for swearing and me doing my best to write a fitting epilogue for my most fave story of all time × Bittersweet × Hurt/Comfort × Grief/Mourning × Gentle-Sad-Soft × Fluff × Non-Sexual Intimacy × Tenderness × Generally Hopeful Ending × Ambiguous/Open Ending × Catharsis × You know how TMA is a tragedy? ... yeah × Hope Punk × dealing with the fallout of surviving a literal apocalypse × Moving on and letting go × Trans Georgie Barker × Nonbinary Melanie King × Melanie uses any pronouns but needs to (re)discover this first × and is then mainly referred to with they/them pronouns for diary-simplicity × Melanie is ace in my heart ♡ × Jon is also enby but it only gets referred to in passing × Georgie has a Type™ × Character Study × i love them all so much × Nonbinary aspec author × it's very hope punk and somft BUT ALSO VERY SAD × in like a cathartic way × because i like causing pain :') × pre-written and updates every 2-3 days

I think I might use it to… rediscover myself. That’s what I liked about journaling in the first place, I think. Getting to think about things outside of my own head, putting it out there so I could move on? Maybe it’s time to return to old coping mechanisms and try again. Even if I haven’t really changed. Even if I should’ve changed. Right?

As the world tries to piece itself back together, Georgie grapples with her past, her present, and her future by keeping a diary. She also keeps having this strange, recurring dream that involves Jon. Post MAG200.

Finished at ~12k, will upload over the next couple of days <3

Day 3 - Evening

Melanie is sleeping. Basira is also sleeping, on the sofa in the living-room. She doesn’t really know what to do with herself, these days, so for now she’s staying with us.

I am not sleeping. I’m so far beyond tired that I can’t sleep anymore. It’s been... how long? More than a day, certainly. I’m at the kitchen table and the night outside is darker than any I’ve ever seen. There are no street lights and a million more stars than I could’ve ever imagined. I wish Melanie could see them too :(

Back before everything in my life went wrong, I used to be really good at this. I think I got my first diary when I was... seven, maybe eight? I used to be obsessed with it. I guess I stopped writing in college, after the incident, because it felt... wrong? Like I was lying to myself, trying to fabricate emotions that just weren’t there, keeping up with things that no longer seemed important or note-worthy. Mainly, I couldn’t make myself care about anyone or anything anymore.

I think I want to find that person again, now that it’s over. Try and… move on? And Melanie encouraged me :) I guess that’s the main reason. I found this notebook in one of the domains when we were rescuing people. I don’t know what I originally wanted to do with it, but I did end up forgetting about it until I went through my bag again today. It smells like fire and is a bit singed in places, but I kind of like that? I think I might use it to… rediscover myself. ...that sounds very pretentious, but this is just for me, so...

And I like that it’s just cheap paper scribbled on with a shitty biro. Maybe I’ll just burn it when all the thoughts are on the paper instead of in my head. When I can sleep again. And the prize for the most dramatic way of closure goes to Georgie Barker! But yeah. That’s what I liked about journaling in the first place, I think. Getting to think about things outside of my own head, putting it out there so I could move on? Maybe it’s time to return to old coping mechanisms and try again. Even if I haven’t really changed. Even if I should’ve changed. Right?

But I don’t feel any different. Shouldn’t I feel different, now that they’re gone? The entities, I mean, though Jon and Martin seem to be gone, too.

I keep remembering Martin’s expression when he told us to go early, how upset he was.

Honestly, I can’t say I’m surprised. As long as I’ve known Jon, he’s always done what he thought best. It used to drive me up the walls, but I also admired it, I think? I never would’ve told him that, but… Well. He’s gone now.

It’s over, all of it.

And I still can’t sleep.

And Melanie is still blind, and I still feel empty, and my fear still hasn’t come back. Everyone who died is still dead, and the trauma is still there. There were angry mobs in the streets, and people got killed.

I can’t quite believe that Jon and Martin went with them. I can’t believe they left us behind to explain the entire mess.

We’re back in our old flat. It’s so weird to be back home. Everything looks the same, as though no time passed at all. Nobody knows what date it is. How long were we caught in there?

Outside, it feels like spring. There are birds everywhere, singing their hearts out. Sounds like more birds than there used to be, too. The trees are leafless and dead-looking, but Basira pointed out that they’re getting there... and it feels like spring.

I haven’t slept properly in 3 days because the questions keep me awake. It’s not that I’m worrying, really, just… thinking? I think I could sleep better if the worry had come back, but it hasn’t.

As far as we can tell, all modern devices are broken, too. Computers and phones and such, digital cameras, generators... we don’t even know what the rest of the world looks like. I hadn’t realised how much gets controlled by computers these days, we don’t even have central heating or water access in our flat. Rumours and news are spreading person-to-person, like in the Olden Days. We only have emergency systems that were installed in case of nation-wide blackout. I guess I’m glad we don’t actually have a blackout, we just need to get the computers back to work. (If I understood it correctly.)

Melanie thinks it’ll all come back to life in a few more days. I certainly hope so. I also hope I’ll stop feeling like this. Or rather, not feeling like anything. It’s so strange. Like in the first days after the incident, when I just felt numb?

They’re gone! I want to feel like a person again! What if I never get myself back?

They’re actually gone.

What will we do with our lives now? Basira isn’t the only one who feels uprooted. I think the whole world feels like that right now.

I hope my computer comes back soon. I miss music, and making things. My photos, all those memories.

I don’t want to lose all of that. I want to start fresh, but not without records of the past.

…I’ve had a lot of time to think about that, specifically. Records, and futures.

What the Ghost is done, right? There’s no fun in creepy ghost stories if you’ve been through an actual, living nightmare.

I think I want to start new with that, too. When everything works again, that is.

New world, new future, new podcast. I like that. I think. Make a record of what happened through eyewitness accounts? Or is that too similar to the Statements… then again, it’ll be more like interviews. And I think we shouldn’t forget.

We owe them that much.

I’ll have to talk it over with Melanie tomorrow. Maybe.

We’ll see.

God, I think maybe… maybe I can actually try and sleep tonight. Writing does seem to help.

Note to self: thank Laverne for suggesting it. (Also for being there for Melanie. And listening to us. And stopping with that culty nonsense. She’s the only one we found so far, but she actually listened to us. Strange to think that in this world, I have to be grateful for someone not worshipping me for some dumb reason?!)

Day 4 - Morning

So. Three things.

1) I did manage to fall asleep after all! I’ve always been a bit of an insomniac, especially after the incident, so actually getting some proper rest felt really good.

2) I somehow woke up right as the sun went up! I think I’ve never seen a dawn this beautiful? I watched it from the bedroom window and I’ll definitely describe it to her in detail when she wakes up! The Admiral was sleeping on our pillow, right next to her head, snuggled up against the back of her neck and shoulder... it was so cute. I can’t believe my phone and camera still don’t work! Melanie has that old polaroid camera somewhere but we haven’t found it yet, and I wish my art skills were any better. I did draw a sketch of the two of them though. I’ll cherish it forever, no matter how shitty it is :’)

After everything that happened, the Admiral is still a bit weird around us. He started out really aggressive, calmed down a bit, and now… now he’s weirdly skittish? Meows a lot. Keeps walking around the flat. The only thing that even remotely returns him to how he used to be is tuna. It’s weird.

But seeing him like that, with Melanie? I love him so much.

I think he’ll be okay.

But before I forget, and why I actually got out the diary at this ungodly hour instead of trying to go back to sleep now that the sun is up…

3) I had a really nice dream. And... I don’t even know. I think I want to try and hold onto the feeling? I don’t think I’ve felt that… deeply… in a long while. Maybe the last time was before all this, when we decided to move in together. Before all of this happened.

For a moment, I felt like I was whole again :’)

It didn’t even have Melanie in it, which is very rude tbh. I think Jon was there? The Admiral, too. We were just chilling on the sofa, watching netflix I think... It felt so... mundane??? Casual, somehow??? Like it was normal to feel like that and I just... I want THAT. I want to feel like that again, instead of this weird… blank nothingness? I want that all the time, not just when I’m riding a high or feeling so terrible that it pierces through.

I don’t know if that makes sense but this is just for me anyway so I suppose it doesn’t have to.

I think I should feel bad about Jon being gone, but I still don’t even feel relief at it being over. Just this vague numbness.

I hate it so much, except I don’t, actually, I just know that I should?

Melanie keeps saying that I need a therapist but if we’re being honest here, I guess I need one the least? The whole goddamn world needs therapy right now. Including the therapists. And I’ve been dealing with this for a long time now.

I guess I keep hoping it’ll just go away somehow.

Anyways. Enough introspection, I’m going back to bed. I hope I don’t wake them! :)

Day 4 - Evening

It’s night now, the sun went down hours ago. We have a bunch of candles, but I’m trying to use them sparingly, so I just have one lit. I put a glass of water next to the candle so now the light gets magnified a bit more. It’s a weird atmosphere, but I kinda like it? Feels… cozy! :)

I’m still not over how everything looks the same, but nothing works like it did before, and there’s this… burden? This collective trauma everyone went through. It feels so surreal. So many things are still broken… it’s like we woke from a collective nightmare, but pieces of it still remain, floating around.

And we just sent it away with the tapes. I really hope those other worlds are doing better than us, but what else could we have done? I… try not to think about it. I know I should, but I still can’t really bring myself to care, or even feel overly guilty for that? …

Melanie fell asleep with her head in my lap half an hour ago. I was reading to her. She says she loves the sound of my voice, so I’ve started doing that in the evenings. (I still love that we had separate crushes from a distance on each other for ages because of youtube and WTG. We’ve been talking about that a lot, too.)

She still has nightmares, but apparently she’s also been having good dreams, and she looks so peaceful right now. The last few days have been a lot, but in comparison to before, and even before then…

It’s over. We made it out. We get to have a future together. I still can’t quite believe it. :)

I guess I’m writing again (despite already having done so in the morning) because it somehow helped yesterday and I’m hoping to replicate that. And I have a lot to think about. It’s been a long day.

Basira is still out there, helping out where she can. I think she feels guilty. Melanie says she doesn’t because there was no other choice, but I know her, and I know that she’s lying.

There’s always another choice. We just say that to make it easier to bear.

I hope she knows she can come talk to me when she feels ready to tackle it.

I hope I ever feel able to tackle it myself. No. I will talk to her when I’m ready.

We did talk a bit about things, of course. Melanie doesn’t really remember her dreams, most of the time, but apparently she’s been alternating between horrifying nightmares and a really nice, recurring one that sometimes happens after the nightmares. She doesn’t really remember much of it, but she mentioned it after I told her about the Jon dream. Not what it was about, just… in general.

From the way she talked about it, I think her dad might have been in it? I’m actually not sure, but the way she smiled…

She has that little smile on her lips again, even now, dreaming. The soft one she gets when she talks about good things. About him.

About me.

(I still can’t believe she chose me. How impossibly lucky? How did I ever deserve her? But then, it’s not about that, is it? She is mine, and I am hers, and… life will be good. I know it will be.)

She’s been smiling a lot more, these past few days.

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arlenianchronicles · 3 years

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Hi!! :D I really liked the last post about Fëanorians because I had trouble imagining their personality and this helped a lot. ^^ I would love to see your Nolofinwëan headcanons ❤❤

Hello again! I’m so happy you liked my Fëanorian headcanon post and found it helpful! :D I understand it can be tough to imagine character personalities when there’s not much of them; I still have trouble imagining some of the Fëanorians haha ^^;;

I have a clearer image of the Nolofinwëans, so I’m excited to go into them XDD I’ll admit I did some projecting onto Fingon especially, but it’s mostly me projecting one of my OC’s personality/backstory onto him too. Tbh, this is more of a sketch of how I imagine Fingon’s childhood played out, so be warned that this post is a long one. I should also warn y’all that my headcanons for these guys aren’t very happy ^^;; I’ll put in a content warning for mentions of bullying and emotional abuse (mostly caused by the Fëanorians).

If you don’t like these headcanons and they don’t help, that’s totally okay! Lots of people have their own interpretations of these characters, so I’m sure there’s some that are much happier than mine ^^;; I’ll put everything under the “keep reading” tab so you don’t have to read mine if you change your mind. And I’ll also bold the main names like in my previous post; I hope it helps for search purposes, just in case.

Let’s start with Fingolfin. As a child in Finwë’s house, living with Fëanor and Findis, I imagine that Fëanor bullied him a lot. Why? Because Fëanor saw him as a threat, given that Fingolfin is the first-born son of Indis. I think that Findis, and later Írimë, wasn’t viewed with much suspicion by Fëanor because they’re girls (and I even headcanon that Fëanor might’ve had a soft spot for them). And once Finarfin comes along, Fëanor sees him as a wimp, someone who can’t do much to stop him. So Fingolfin is the main target.

Now, to be clear, I sympathize very much with child Fëanor when he’s just lost his mother and his father marries a stranger. This Fëanor is likely more grown-up, though I’m not sure how much; I feel deep down that his actions would be akin to emotional abuse, but that’s a heavy term and I’m not sure if this is a good point in the tale to use it ^^;; So for now, we’ll stick with bullying. Once Fëanor’s a full-fledged adult, then I think it’d classify as abuse. Please feel free to give me advice or clarity, if you want!

So back to Fingolfin. Because of all this happening, I imagine he grows up with self-esteem issues and stress, and some anxiety on the side. He'd believe Fëanor and think that he's not good enough to be Finwë's son, etc. Finwë thinks that Fëanor can't be wrong in anything, so Fëanor must be right about Fingolfin. At the same time, he still loves Fëanor as his brother and wishes for a return of that love. It might stem from a desire to please Finwë (y’know, showing that they can be a real family and that Fingolfin’s making an effort), but also, I imagine he admires Fëanor's confidence in public situations – and especially now that Fingolfin lacks confidence and trust in himself.

Also, if you’re wondering about Finwë, he only scolds Fëanor when he thinks his son is being a bit too harsh, but doesn't do anything for the root of the problem (nor does he know about what goes on away from his sight). Given that Fëanor is his favourite son, I doubt he’d really see his son’s actions, and if he does, he’d be in denial about them.

Despite all this, I've always imagined that Fingolfin grew up with a desire to help others. He's good at diplomatic talk and politics, but he's not good at defending himself from Fëanor, even after he becomes an adult. Fortunately, he moves out once he's older, and being away from Fëanor allows for improvement.

And then he meets Anairë. I envision her as very loving and kind, and nurturing. She supports Fingolfin as he gains more self-confidence. I also headcanon that she wears a gold circlet in her hair at times, while Fingolfin wears a gold crown, and these both inspire Fingon to wear gold in his hair.

On that note, let's talk about Fingon. Essentially, his childhood is somewhat similar to Fingolfin's. However, there's now the added stress of being caught between Fëanor and Fingolfin's houses. He wants to make his father proud and uphold their family name, but that’s a lot for his young shoulders to handle (nor did Fingolfin and Anairë ever pressure him). I also imagine that Fingon, when he was very young, witnessed how badly Fëanor treats Fingolfin – perhaps at a family gathering when the others have gone somewhere else, and Fingon's waiting for his father, hiding behind a pillar or wall etc. It'd be frightening for young Fingon to witness that, seeing someone whom he loves and upholds as a figure of strength be hurt so much, and it would increase his fear of Fëanor too.

But, lo and behold, he becomes friends with Maedros. I'm still not sure how they met, but in any case, Fingon is glad for Maedros' kindness and admires his ability to shoulder leadership responsibilities near easily, not to mention his ease in a public crowd. Fingon ends up visiting Maedros at Fëanor's house, where Fëanor and his other sons are. You can probably imagine how that'd turn out.

Fëanor sees Fingolfin as a threat, so Fingon is also a threat by extension. I don't think Fëanor would treat Fingon with quite the same intensity, but it'd still be some form of emotional abuse. Fingon would be deeply affected by it; his own confidence would go down, and he’d think that he’s not worthy to be Fingolfin’s son or a prince of the Noldor. And let’s not get started on Fëanor’s sons (but yes, let’s).

As I mentioned in my Fëanorian headcanons post, his sons bully Fingon both out of jealousy (because Fingon is Maedros’ favourite) and anger and to get Fëanor’s approval. I imagine mainly Celegorm, Curufin, and Caranthir doing this; Amrod and Amras might take part at times (following their father and brothers’ example), but are also uncertain of whether it’s a good idea or not. Maglor probably turns a blind eye since he’s too busy perfecting his music.

Maedros would, of course, scold them for being harsh, but that doesn't solve the root of the problem. Nor does he know of how far back the hurt goes. And I think Fingon would be afraid to tell him of what’s really going on because Maedros loves his family a lot. Fingon fears that, if he told him, Maedros would get upset and possibly resent Fingon, and he might not want to be friends anymore. And Fingon doesn't want that. All in all, it’s all very emotionally exhausting, and I think that Fingon would have some crying sessions to himself, since those can be quite cathartic.

Fingolfin doesn't know what’s going on at first either; I think he’d expect that Fingon would be safe with Maedros. But then he ends up recognizing Fingon’s behaviour and how similar it is to what he had, and he asks Fingon about it one day, and Fingon breaks down and tells him everything. Fingolfin comforts him, of course, and tells him not to listen to what the Fëanorians say, and even shares his own experiences so that Fingon knows he isn’t alone. And Fingon doesn't feel alone anymore. Fingolfin becomes his greatest supporter hereafter.

But boy oh boy, now Fingolfin is furious. This is when I imagine his ferocity comes up; he goes to Fëanor and confronts him about it, and Fëanor is startled by Fingolfin’s fierce side since he’s never seen it before. You can think of it as something similar to my painting of angry Fingon, if you like XDD And this is where Fingolfin shows that he is capable of defending others, if not himself. He is fully prepared to protect Fingon however he needs to. And after this, I think Maedros would have to come over to Fingolfin’s house, since Fingon isn’t about to go over to Fëanor’s house and be bullied more (nor would Fingolfin allow it).

(As a side note, Fingolfin showing his fierce side doesn't really help with regard to Fëanor’s suspicions. In fact, it may even increase them a bit, if not a lot.)

Like Fingolfin, I headcanon that Fingon grows up to be good at diplomacy and stuff, but he is also kind and compassionate, quiet and solemn. And also aroace, since I go with the version of canon where he doesn't marry and has no children. I’m sure he’d be a good partner, but all this in consideration, he’d worry about not being good enough as a father, and he wouldn’t want to put his child through the same pain that he and Fingolfin went through. His family’s well-being is his priority, and he loves them dearly. And on that note (if y’all are still reading this ^^;;), let’s bring in Turgon and Aredhel :D

So Fingon has some siblings now! He loves them so much he thinks his heart will burst. It’s only until there’s a family gathering, and Turgon encounters Fëanor’s sons, that Fingon realizes his duty to protect his little brother from suffering the same hurts as Fingon did. In fact, he gets angry when one of the Fëanorians – Celegorm still seems the likeliest one to me, or Curufin loll – insult Turgon, or something like that. And just like Fingolfin, one of Fingon’s strengths is to defend others (even if he’s still not confident enough to defend himself). Because of Fingon’s protection and the combined family nurturing, Turgon grows up stern and confident and with a firm dislike of the Fëanorians. As canon says, he becomes good friends with Finrod (gosh I haven’t even started thinking of headcanons for the Arafinweans aaahhh). I also think of him as a very good architect with excellent visualization. And, of course, he loves his elder brother like no other :’’’)

Aredhel, on the other hand, befriends Celegorm and Curufin (as said in the Silmarillion). How did that happen, you ask? I’m not so sure myself lmao The best idea I have so far is that the two brothers thought her fierceness and spunk impressive for a Nolofinwëan, and they found that she was more risk-taking and no-nonsense than they gave her credit for. As for her, she wants to explore and hunt and be a badass, and it seems that she can learn to do some, if not all, of those things by being with them. And yet I also headcanon that Aredhel adores Fingon as her older brother, so how does this dynamic play out?

An example I have is a little scenario that I thought up; in her youth, Aredhel overhears Celegorm talking crap about Fingon, and gets angry with him. She says she’ll never speak to him again unless he apologizes, but he’s not about to. So she goes to Fingon and tells him. Essentially, he says that he’ll be alright and she doesn't have to worry (he’s not brave enough to defend himself, but he’ll defend her if Celegorm spoke ill of her). Eventually, Celegorm does apologize to Aredhel about it, but it’s not genuine (something like those “I’m sorry I made you feel that way” apologies). She accepts the apology anyway, even though he technically didn’t do her any wrong. This is because she genuinely wants to be his friend, and if she did notice that it wasn’t genuine, she denies it because she wants to believe it was.

I think she becomes more aware of what’s going on between Fëanor and Fingolfin’s houses, but she still wants to keep the connection between Fëanor’s sons and herself. I haven’t really developed that far into her relation with them yet, just her and her family ^^;;

Finally we have Argon. He’s the youngest of the siblings, and at this point there’d be an age gap between him and Fingon. Since Fingon’s settling in his duty as a prince and doing princely things (alongside spending time with his friends and all), I’d imagine he’s not able to keep as good an eye on Argon as he did with Turgon and Aredhel. Nevertheless, he forms the closest bond with Argon due to the shared emotional exhaustion they experience; I headcanon that Argon is deeply affected by the tensions and stress between Fëanor and Fingolfin’s house, and it takes a toll on him as a young child. So he gets some social anxiety and is afraid of large crowds, but when big brother Fingon is with him, he feels a little braver.

And there we are! My headcanons for the Nolofinwëans, as requested :) I might’ve forgotten something, but for now, this is all I have. Thank you for reading this far, if you did!! It was super long, and I’m sorry to have bored anyone ^^;; I actually thought about writing a fic of Fingon’s childhood, but I doubt that’ll happen anytime soon hahaa Thanks again for messaging me anon, and I hope you have a good day/night! <333

#asks #anon asks #house of fingolfin #meta #nolofinweans #once again i worked on my reply while at work loll #man this was a lot of writing #feels good to get it all down on a docs tho #cuz before this it was all in my head #and in various tags scattered across my art of the nolofinweans XDD #some other headcanons include #fingon doing his siblings hair with his gold ribbons at one point or another #weaving argon's hair with his gold accessories helps to calm argon down #aredhel likes to wear her hair long #but she loves it when fingon gives her a little makeover #and turgon is content in any case hahaa

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meandmyechoes · 3 years

Text

The more I think about Dark Disciple, the more I find something odd.

[28th March 17:46]

I keep referring to it as a ‘favourable experience’, and there is no question the writing is what made me fall totally head over heels about quintress, but I also just, can’t?

I mean, yes. It’s very passionate, dramatic, scenes and gestures I can only dream of. But I also, don’t really see it in that ’omg they totally belong together here are my sixty headcanons of them’ sense?

I am very involved in the pairing, but also don’t really, actively ‘ship’ it — like the way it was an open book with Rhayme or Latts Razzi (since it’s the same author that indoctrinated me to Captain Rhayme). I could imagine them being happily ever after and silly shenanigans and slow-burn. But the concept of a quintress fairytale ending is so wild. I can only ask how much it is tainted with my personal view on relationships.

I know the plot leaves little room for “the future” and fed us well on all tropes possible. But, it just never occurred to me to put them in any other clichés or invent a missing scene.

Winding up, I don’t think their relationship is "weak", but it’s very motivated by circumstances and once you take that out of them, you are a little bit lost. For example even during the illicit affairs month, I… can’t really propose one date that does not seem tonally insensitive. (I can think of them being cloak dorks and Vos bringing her to ice-cream, that’s it, after a long hard moment) Really, all I possibly want is that sweet, sweet angst and canon is already there so I have no complaint.

It’s just… I don’t really get why it has to be the two of them that fall for each other. I understand why they did, and I believe it— Perhaps it’s much more a physical attraction thing that I don’t really have personal experience with.

I don’t know if quintress classify as slow-burn because 10 chapters still seem a little quick in the grand scheme of things. (aside: I’m quite disappointed Ventress wasn’t doing much in the last quarter of the book.) My point is, they do feel a little bit puppet to tropes, and while it’s deliciously written, there’s not much potential outside of canon. And that lack of inspiration makes me grimace a little.

[3rd April, 01:39]

I’ve scrolled through the dd tag and let the book sank a little. I am better articulated to talk about the sexist criticism now.

It’s a romance story, and when I judge it by that (lower) standard, it ticks the boxes. However, it might be a weakness as well, due to the projectability of the heroes. And yes, the whole assassination is dumb. Yet, tcw has been consistently this dumb at us. The last two times when she’s more rooted in the dark she failed, sent Savage and failed, so she’s gonna do it again with Vos… after she put down her desire for revenge. right. and surprise! Our “assassination” plan is to find Dooku and duel him directly. right…

I’ve read a review that says the romance takes away from the plot. However, the romance IS the plot. The book IS supposed to revolve around the two of them. I do agree them becoming begrudging allies then partners is a more unique approach, more rewarding as foils as well. but I guess a romance is easier for the conventional to process ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

With the “Ventress lose agency in falling for Vos”. Now, I can’t dictate how each of us buy into their physical attraction and chemistry (or lack thereof), and there’s no denial that a conscious human being is making that choice for the fictional character, I think the stance on this topic varied person to person from the above two factors, which are very different starting points.

I kept Katie Lucas’s foreword vividly in mind while reading. She said this is a story about people seizing chances to rebuild. That there’s always a choice. Cliché as it is, I believe ~the power of love~. I believe there exists someone you’re willing to sacrifice everything for, to overlook everything for, to forgive - to love them, warts and all. So, yes whether you think Ventress loses her agency to the romance, or if that’s a conscious choice on her behalf, is swayed heavily by how much you buy that they are the one.

[10th April, 10:30]

Yesterday I’ve been thinking a bit more about this. I do love this ship, I just don’t believe they’d be two people who find each other again and again in every life time, in every universe. That’s why, as magnificent as fireworks, it also won’t last.

To explore this, it’s not entire impossible for quintress to separate peacefully after this incident, but would that cheapen the build before? The entire motivation of dark!Quinlan hinges on his vision of their future. And say, Ventress did saved him and survived. How would he balance being a Jedi and his feelings - that’s publicly exposed to the Council? (sidenote: i really don’t like Ch. 27 where a bunch of old men are questioning their love life, but uhhh yes, I’m a sensible person!) For now, I’m seeing another Obi-Satine situation. And honestly how bad that an outcome is. It’s not like Ventress died for her war crimes! The show gave her a full pardon! So Idk man. Why can’t she leave him because she loves him and she exiled herself and they never see each other again WHY NOT FILONI WHY NOT.

Now I’m lamenting more what could’ve been with the two arcs. In Filoni’s original sketch, Aayla and Maul were involved. Man, that could’ve been the dream.

~~~

Part 2: [26th April, 15:15]

It has been… a month, since I finished Dark Disciple and I feel like it’s time to conclude all the thinking this book has made me do.

On the wider reflection about attachment and the Jedi Order, I still have to do more reading on it from other sources to form a concrete opinion. This theme won’t be touched on in this post yet, but I cannot shake how intriguing it is to compare “falling” in love to falling to the dark side. The temptation, and the submission to their emotions, the irrationality, the newfound curiosity, it all incites. Very curiously, it was Anakin Skywalker who commented that one is “blinded by love”

Okay, so what I’ve been scratching my head off the past two weeks is how I look at the romance between Asajj Ventress and Quinlan Vos. How would I define it?

Now this is as much as an exploration of how I view romantic relationships. Well, I’ve decided it wasn’t “love”, it was an “affair”. It was an affair because it’s a rush of passion, it’s a secret, it won’t last. Before I chop my own head off for bluntness, I mean it in, of course they are hopelessly in love with each other, that’s the exact premise of why it moved me so. But it wasn’t a complete relationship, wasn’t a healthy, sustainable one by any objective standards. Then, that’s the exact contradiction. Oh to throw caution in the wind with you, or to build a future with you?

Both are things I want a lot, and the ideal is of course one after the other. What quintress had (in the end) is definitely not something I’d want for myself, but it’s so fantastical, it’s alluring, just like the concept of falling in love - opening up yourself and trusting another person, is - it’s risky. That’s why it’s a sweet, sweet drug.

I’ve been so angry at all the red flags in this relationship. Reading this book, getting into both of their shoes, yelling NO like their best friends. But ultimately, what they had is unique to them and I can’t influence it in any way. Re-reading, I find myself holding myself back at all the places I was furious about going ‘You are smarter than this!’. Because it’s a tragedy, and the beautiful (I guess) thing is they chose each other.

The other day something on the dash inspired me to really think about ship dynamics. I, unashamedly admit, I’m VERY into Obi/Quin/Ventress in any and all combinations. *cough* I will not explain further.

I do accept the premise and I did discover they share quite a bunch of traits, but it confused me a while what made them cross the boundary, and it was, physical attraction (that the book was selling so hard I was blushing hot). I love them both a lot, and I would like to date them both, and I can see myself in either of them. Again comes the contradiction, is it a good thing to have characters so easily projectable, or do I want to see myself in more complex characters like them?

I probably lost quite a few cars stalling this train of thought. And I've been a canon apologist since forever. This book brought me a lot of emotional upheavals and a lot of food for thought. It brought me down to reflect on my romantic worldview and sexuality because I have nothing better to do. It totally challenged me as a writer and it’s just a really good novel by its right, regardless of the absurdity that is The Clone Wars. It’s a lot of firsts for me. And I really should find something better to do.

[26th April 16:00]

I must address that I got spoiled of the ending and the first and second half of the book probably went through some big changes.

If I cried for this book, it’s score would be even higher. And I’ve been so obsessed with discussing the relationship, without shedding light on the characterization, which is definitely an unfortunate side effect. Then it occurs that quite possibly the second half (26-42) deviated even further from the script than the first? It doesn’t have concept art or blocking, plus possibly (heavily) edited to omit correlation to other arcs. My major complaint for the second half is Ventress doesn’t do much and we know NOTHING about Vos, even though he is given screen time in the book. my, I just wish Ventress punch him harder and drag his idiotic mess back to the light sooner.

And to criticism about it being their ‘toxic’ relationship being portrayed as ‘true love’, well, it really depends on how thoughtful the reader is, right? I think if the reader is able to notice all these red flags and gave their own interpretation of the relationship and its outcome, it’d’ve been an educating experience. There’s what for the reader and what for the characters. They don’t know this ‘love’ is destroying them, and what kind of message is it sending? What ‘love’ depicted in the book is true then? I have my answers, and I hope every reader comes to their own as well.

#dark disciple #sw reading #clean version #i yell 'EXCEPT THE FLIRTY PART' every three scenes

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avauntus · 3 years

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2020 favs: (short) fic recs

I am stealing this idea from @macgyver-sheriff, who has no clue who I am, but whose post I saw go across my dash. Thank you! 👋

Would you like some recs for the holiday season? - I too would like to share love for my favorite things I read that were written this year! <3

I’m going to do this in two parts - the short fics (10k or less, generally one-shot), and another post for the long or series fics I loved this year (it’s 2020, I figure we can use too much of a good thing?)

( @staidwaters - I’m ‘disqualifying’ your works because I’m biased, sorry! Look away! Unless you want recs!)

"Congratulations, Get Rich" (9,238 words) by Attila (The Untamed - modern AU)

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year, which means Wei Wuxian has to get all of his bad decisions out of the way tonight.

Lan Wangji, Lan Xichen, Jiang Cheng, Mianmian are all so screamingly perfect as modern versions of themselves in this, and it is KNOCK DOWN HILLARIOUS. Wei Wuxian is just a screaming queer disaster (affectionate) - as he should be.

Excerpt:

After a long beat, Lan Xichen sinks gracelessly into the chair Lan Wangji had been sitting in earlier. “I just want to be absolutely clear,” he says delicately, “that you are currently under the impression that my brother has no romantic feelings for you. That is what you’re saying to me right now, yes?”

“Yes?” Wei Wuxian says, feeling desperately confused. “Obviously? Why?”

“Because at least one of you is very stupid, and I’m trying to figure out who,” Lan Xichen tells him, sounding distracted. It’s the rudest thing Wei Wuxian has ever heard him say, and his mouth drops open slightly.

“caved to the careless” (6,708 words) by ilgaksu (The Untamed/MDZS - Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen)

Love is a choice you make - like this, and this, and this.

Have you ever read a writer whose work is so distinctly itself that you can feel yourself slipping in time even as you keep going? That’s not very articulate, but it’s the best way I can describe everything of ilgaksu’s I’ve read. Their fics are the same emotional register as having the breath knocked out of you after a fall. This was the first one I read, and I think it ends well-- with what Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen find along the path-- but it’s still heavy. Discussions of canon-compliant character death and grief/mourning here.

Excerpt:

He pauses. Until this very moment, he was unsure who to ask for. He has heard the rumours of the Yiling Patriarch’s ongoing residence here, about Zewu-jun’s seclusion: he’s dead, but even the dead are not free from gossip. But he remembers a courtyard, nearly two decades ago, and the weight of eyes some might have called angry in their intensity. He remembers those same eyes, and how for the wear of the intervening years, they had kept the same essence: longing, yearning, a kind of small unspoken grief.

Song Lan had a dream once. A dream of a sect, bound not by blood, but by a shared belief in the right path. So many things are only an inheritance: shame is one of them.

Love is a choice. Love is a choice, and you choose until you can’t.

“I am here,” he decides, carving the words into the dirt, every stroke of every character resolute, “To meet with Hanguang-jun. Please show this one the way to go.”

“Green River Running” (8,169 words) by @rain-hat (Love in the Moonlight - post-canon AU)

5+1: Kim Byeong-yeon returns to the land of the living.

I skimmed through Love in the Moonlight during my quarantine summer (distinguishable from my “quarantine spring” or “quarantine fall” only by fireworks), and immediately upon finishing, thought: “Psht, they killed off their best character.” And then, something happened that never happens -- I went on ao3 and found the exact thing I was looking for, written far better than I could have imagined. Kim Byeong-yeon is such a quiet yet powerfully subversive presence and the progression here is so masterfully done. This is true of all of rainhat’s work’s I’ve read, but this is a fine example-- I really treasure the warm humanism of them.

Excerpt:

People needed helping hands even more than they needed sympathetic ears, though. Over the last year, Hong Gyeong-rae and Byeong-yeon had built houses and planted crops side by side; negotiating with moneylenders here, helping small-folk secure their stores against bandits there. There was nothing courtly about Byeong-yeon’s capacity for labour, or his expectation of reward. Wherever he went, he worked from dawn to dusk, ate the food he was given, and slept under a roof if he was offered one.

It suited him, Hong Gyeong-rae thought, even though there was something outlandish about his gentle speech and palace manners in the midst of it all. But to behave in any other way would be untrue to his upbringing; nor was he the sort of man to whom it would occur to try. And after all, most people liked to be treated with courtesy; it did not come across as mockery from this solemn, severely dressed young man, who seemed to find no task too big or too small. Hong Gyeong-rae had seen him argue tax law with local councillors and stand up to highwaymen armed with nothing but a knife and staff. But he watched cooking pots for women who had to run to the fields to tide over the day’s labour, too; he wrote letters for them, and tolerated their fractious children and spoon-fed their bedridden elders, if that was what was called for.

“The Veritable Records of King Taejo: Year 2, Entry 208“ (9,857 words) by @sadviper (My Country: the New Age - Nam Seon-ho & Hwang Sung-rok slice-of-life)

Hwang Sung-rok eats his way to the bottom of a real estate scam, and Seon-ho and Yeon help (a little).

No one is out here doing it like SadViper. This is technically part of a series, but they can all be read separately. I did not realize I needed to see more of Nam Seon-ho in all his “type-A government official glory” until Viper started sketching him out for us, and as a bonus, we get to see Yeon, and Sung-rok as the world’s surliest caretaker (but don’t call him that). I have an authorial fallacy where I always think stories have to have some grand “plot” -- a “Maltese Falcon” to pull the reader along-- the genius of Viper’s work is she shows us exactly how interesting and important the day-by-day tiny choices and connections we make are, with an impeccable background of historical research to ground you in the setting.

Excerpt:

Nam Seon-ho was his master now. He was a strange one. He was a traitor, for helping the escaped Liaodong soldiers, but not, because he managed to wiggle his way back into Yi Seong-gye’s favor and was now a sixth-ranked inspector with the privilege of having personal audiences with the King. He was temperamental and belligerent from being the son of a slave mother and a lifetime subject of Lord Nam’s fantastic parenting philosophy. He was afflicted with perpetual guilt. And he was also one of the hardest working and most desperate people Sung-rok had ever known.

It was a terrible combination. He was not merely a disaster waiting to happen, but a disaster perambulating on two legs at the edge of a chasm. If Sung-rok intended to stay in service for long, he needed to find a way to cool down some of Seon-ho’s intensity, even though admittedly, it was what drew him to Seon-ho in the first place.

Thoughts like these plagued Sung-rok for a while. It was one thing to know a person; it was quite another thing to try to change them.

“Orison” (4,975 words) by @gravelghosts (aeli_kindara) (Supernatural 15x18 coda)

Cas says, I love you.

So! This rips my heart out, every time. All the times Dean imagines himself together with Cas...and then he imagines himself, if not happy, then thriving.

Jack: “What is the point...if everyone I care about is going to leave?”

Castiel: “The point is that they were here at all and you got to know them, you... When they're gone, it will hurt, but that hurt will remind you of how much you loved them.”

Excerpt:

The thing Dean tries to do is: listen.

Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just — being. It’s in just saying it, Cas tells him, and Dean’s whole heart is screaming, No, but he shuts his mouth. He listens. He listens like his life fucking depends on it, which it does, in more ways than one.

“Sky Full of Song” (6,632 words) by @drivingsideways (Supernatural, finale 15x20 fix-it, Dean/Cas)

Or: The One in which Cas ghosted Dean.

Look. Look. If Cas(tiel) can yank Dean Winchester out of Hell, celestial-scream at him not once but twice, burn out a woman’s eyes like an utter clown before thinking “Huh, an Earthly vessel, guess that’s not just bullshit, then,” and when they finally work it out, Dean greets them with a knife to the chest and THEN they’ll spend twelve years misunderstanding each other and bickering, you had better believe these two are going to be disasters even in Heaven. Drivingsideways gives us all of that dynamic, with the found family of Jack and Mary as facilitators, and the happy resolution, which of course includes a true form “roughly the size of your Chrysler Building.” <3

Excerpt:

The thing is, Castiel doesn’t want Dean to feel obligated.

Dean has a streak of self-sacrifice that's as wide as the Caspian Sea, and Castiel doesn't want to be any more of a chore or obligation than they have been to Dean for all the long years of their—brotherhood.

Castiel had shocked Dean, to the core of him, with their confession, and Castiel had seen the swirling confusion, the fear, the panic, the shit what do I say, what do I do—how do I stop him—

So, no, Castiel would not be paying a visit anytime soon.

Of course, if Dean evinced an interest in meeting them, then Castiel would not stay away.

Castiel isn't that cruel.

(They have, on occasion, been exactly that cruel, but they are trying to outgrow it.)

Dean is still their friend.

Dean knows how to reach them, if he wants to.

(see? disasters. haha)

“The Rough” (3,267 words) by anactoria (Supernatural, finale -15x20- ‘fix-it’)

Heaven can absolutely fucking wait.

Rec’ed for the concept more than the style (this is dialogue-heavy, as a lot of 15x20 fix-its tend towards), but I *love* this course-correction: After kicking around Heaven, Dean and Cas return to Earth to take their place as urban legends among the hunter community. Just for a while.

Excerpt:

But it isn’t life. That’s the thing. It’s awesome, but it isn’t life; life’s a hard, painful, infuriating mess, and Dean only got halfway through his own, and he feels cheated. For all he held it together for Sammy at the end, for all he tried to take Cas’s big moment-of-happiness speech on board, he feels cheated.

There’s supposed to be peace at the end. When you’re done.

Dean wasn’t done.

#other's fic #fic recs #2020: a year!#spn #my country: new age #the untamed #love in the moonlight

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