#I don’t know what’d be funnier

[happypeachsludgeflower]

Hesiod’s Work and Days basically boiling down to “you piece of shit return my stuff or burn in hell”

it’s literally just long winded hate mail to his brother.

[theboywithburninghands]

Is it possible to write a Funnybunny/Buttonblossom story without Pomni? I dunno, but I just did. Anyway, this one is a little on the short side, but it took a complete 180 from where I was originally going with it. And I think the result is good, one of the better things I’ve written… That said, it is a little bit on the heavier side. So I’ll drop a small content warning just in case, but really it shouldn’t be any rougher than your average romance movie. Hope you enjoy!

Young and Dumb

t/w: angst, relationship drama

Another day came to an end. The adventure, forgettable. Somewhat unpleasant, but nobody died or got maimed. Dinner was fine, digital spaghetti and meatballs. The performers said their goodbyes and headed off to bed. With the exception of two.

Ragatha left the tent, holding Layla, the music-playing microphone beetle that Kinger picked up from a few adventures ago. It was Ragatha’s turn with her, and the doll-woman wanted to savor the opportunity. She walked a long way to her favorite retreat; a copse (Dark Souls II taught her that word) far in the back of the woods by the Digital Lake. She didn’t love the woods on account of her fear of bugs with too many legs, but there were so few places to be well and truly by herself around here. It was like what Kierkegaard said. There can’t be joy without risk.

Or… maybe that was faith without risk. Who the hell was Kierkegaard anyway..? Eh.

She came to her small thicket, or “copse.” It was distinguishable from the rest of the woods by the mossy boulder in the middle of it, softly illuminated by the digital starlight. Ragatha spent many evenings sitting on that boulder. Sometimes she cried for hours. Sometimes she screamed in rage until her voice was completely dried up. Sometimes she just laid on the boulder and stared at the sky. Once she laid there until dawn.

She first checked the rock for any insects, before sitting cross-legged on it, smoothing out her dress. She placed Layla down on her lap, the microphone-beetle looking up at her expectantly.

Ragatha: Layla, play… Into the Great Wide Open by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers.

Layla nodded and began to play a heartland rock song. Ragatha closed her eye and let the music take her away. Hardly even realizing it, she began to sing along.

Ragatha: “Eddie waited ‘til he finished high school

He went to Hollywood, got a tattoo

He met a girl out there with a tattoo too

The future was wiiiide open…”

Jax: You’re kinda flat, Dollface.

Ragatha opened her eye and turned about on the boulder. Jax was leaning against a tree, his eyes also closed, with his hands tucked behind his head. Ragatha rolled her eye and tapped a hand to her lips.

Ragatha: Shh. Listen for a second.

The two of them remained quiet as Layla played Ragatha’s selected song. Ragatha swayed in time with the music, relishing every last note, before it concluded about three minutes later. She then smirked at Jax.

Ragatha: Ill met by moonlight, proud Jax.

Jax: What’d you say?

Ragatha: It’s from Shakespeare. What’s up? If you’re here to put a centipede down my dress again, you might as well get it over with.

Jax: Nah. It’s way funnier when you’re not expecting it. Can I join you? *points to the boulder*

Ragatha: Sure.

Ragatha scooted over as Jax strutted to the rock, sitting down and crossing a leg over one knee. There was a moment of somewhat awkward silence before Jax spoke up.

Jax: New kid is adjusting pretty well.

Ragatha: Mmm. She’s definitely a fighter. At least in an emotional way.

Jax: Think she’ll outlast us?

Ragatha: Come on, Jax, you know I don’t like thinking about who’s gonna abstract next. Hopefully nobody.

Jax: That’ll be the day.

Ragatha: …Well, I know for a fact it’s harder to completely give up hope when you have feelings for someone.

Jax shot Ragatha a look, who met it with a small, confident smile. The rabbit sighed and rolled his eyes. He balled his fists for a moment before unclenching them.

Jax: …Did she have fun?

Ragatha: Huh?

Jax: At the theme park. With Pomni. Did you have fun?

Ragatha: …Yeah. I did. It’s the same old rides, but… it’s a whole different experience having someone to share it with. To see react to stuff, y’know?

Jax: Did you two make out~?

Ragatha: Ugh, don’t be a creep.

Jax made some obnoxious kissing sound effects.

Ragatha: You know, I could ask you the same thing! Did you make out with her?

Jax: *immediately* Yeah.

Ragatha: Wh- *blushes* Oh. Uh. Hm. Wait, you can kiss people? Do you even have lips?

Jax: Huh? What are you talkin’ about?

Ragatha: No, I’m just thinking about the logistics of the whole situation, does she like… kiss you on the teeth?

Jax: I got lips, genius. *closes his mouth around his teeth*

Ragatha: Yeah but can you pucker them? Or do you just sort of… bump your lips against hers?

Jax: You’re reaaaally into my kissing techniques there, Dollface. There something you’re not telling me?

Ragatha: Dream on.

Jax: More like “have nightmares.”

Ragatha: Ha! Even if I were to kiss you, which I won’t, I think you’d find it perfectly acceptable at the very worst.

Jax: At the very best. At the very best I find it acceptable. At the very worst, I might puke in your mouth.

Ragatha: Jax! Blech… *sticks out her tongue* You always take it too far…

Jax: You all just don’t take it far enough...

Ragatha: Oh whatever. It makes me happy you’re enjoying your time with Pomni.

Jax: Why wouldn’t I? She’s… she’s alright. *he blushes faintly*

Ragatha: Yeah. She is alright. I’m really proud of you.

There’s a prolonged silence.

Jax: What?

Ragatha: I said that I’m proud of you.

Jax: You’re… “proud of me?”

Ragatha: Yeah. You’ve come a l-

Jax: What do you mean you’re proud of me, proud of me for what?

Ragatha: For-For finding someone that helps you get through the days, you know? It's hard to keep going.

Jax: That wasn’t what you were going to say. You said “I’ve come a long way.”

Ragatha: Oh. Well… I dunno. I can tell you’re softening up a little.

Jax: Huh?

Ragatha: I mean, Pomni is good for you. You’re not nearly as… well, as much of a jerk as you were before. Sometimes you need someone in your life that grounds you.

Jax: So what’s she doing for you?

Ragatha: What do you mean?

Jax: Well she makes me less of a jerk. What does she do to help your personality, huh? Or do you not need to change anything?

Ragatha: Hey now, I wasn’t saying anything like that.

Jax: But you get to be “proud” because the new girl makes me better? Like you got nothing to fix or already have romance figured out.

Ragatha: Jax, it’s a compliment!

Jax: Alright, look. *he stands up* I’ll let you kiss Pomni, but you don’t get to talk to me like I’m your baby brother.

Ragatha: Sorry, you'll let me kiss Pomni? And I mean, I am eight years older than you…

Jax: Oh so you do think I’m a kid, nice.

Ragatha: Jax, you know I didn’t mean it like that-

Jax: Amazing. It’s not enough you get to treat me like a child, you get to come into my relatio- my, my- you get to come into my life and take my girlf- *the words catch in his throat and he stops*

Ragatha: What..? *she stands up* Jax, where is this coming from? You told me you were okay with sharing!

Jax: Yeah, well… maybe I’m not so much.

Ragatha: You... Pomni said-

Jax: I know what I told Pomni! I told her…

There's another lengthy pause

Jax: I told her what she wanted to hear!

Ragatha: You…

Jax: She was freaking out over liking you, so I just bit the bullet and told her it was fine so she wouldn't flip out. I thought I could deal with it… But you know what? I can’t! It hurts just a liiittle bit to have someone you… the… the first person who you ever really cared about in this dump just up and decide that you’re not good enough for them and go find someone else! Especially if your replacement is some condescending knock-off!

Jax poked her hard in the left shoulder, and Ragatha slapped his hand away instinctively.

Ragatha: Jax, stop it!

Jax: No, no, you know what? Keep her! I’m just a dumb kid, right?! It’s pretty d@#& clear I’m not cutting it anymore! I hope you two have fun! I’m better off alone!

Layla piped up with a peppy late nineties techno beat upon hearing Jax’s words. The corner of the rabbit’s mouth twitched with rage.

Jax: Oh you think you’re funny..?

Ragatha: Jax, she doesn’t know any better-

Before Ragatha knew it, Jax had his hands around the beetle, who gave a squeal of feedback at being grabbed so tightly.

Jax: You little-!

The rabbit reared back

Ragatha: NO JAX DON’T!

Jax threw Layla hard into the woods, the tiny creature rocketing into the treeline. Ragatha gasped and ran after Layla, falling to her knees and palming around in the tall grass for her. She eventually felt a small round body and pulled it free from the leaves of grass.

Ragatha: Layla, are you okay? You didn’t hit a tree did you?!

Layla’s eyes twirled in circles before she blinked the confusion away and shook her head “no.”

Ragatha: *gives a long sigh of relief* Jax! Why would you-

Upon turning around, the rabbit was nowhere to be found.

Ragatha: Jax?

——

Jax made it to the edge of the forest. He panted and grabbed the sides of his head. His chest hurt. Shame and fury and guilt grappled in his stomach like a knot of snakes.

Jax: It’s late. I should… I should sleep.

He said this aloud to himself, a pitiful attempt to calm his emotions like twisting the cap back on a bottle of soda that was about to erupt with fizz. He just wanted to go back to his room. So he started walking.

His throat hurt. He kept walking. His vision became blurry. He kept walking. His cheeks were getting wet. He kept walking. His breathing hitched. He stopped walking. He fell into a squat. He got back up. He walked to the lake shore and sat.

He cried. For the first time in years, he cried.

And he cried.

And he cried.

[its-rat-time-babey]

I don’t know what’s funnier, Belos trying to name his grimwalkers but being unable to think of a good name and eventually just going “Fuck it, he’s a witch hunter and his name is Hunter. Good enough.”

Or the Collector looking at the first Grimwalker, turning towards Belos and going “You know what’d be really funny?”

[broadstbroskis]

choosing you | william nylander

a/n: rolling in late (as usual) for @antoineroussel winter fic exchange! demi, thank you for running such a wonderful fic exchange, as always! you are an angel among us for organizing this!

i had the absolute pleasure of writing for @nylwnder. i was so so SO excited to write this for you darling! i hope you enjoy!

-----

“I’m going to be alone forever!” 

Nobody even turns to look when Will throws himself in the booth. At one end, Auston and Morgan are talking about their plans for the Raptors game this weekend while Tessa tries to shove her way to Morgan’s other side to join a more interesting conversation. 

Jordan and Mikey and Marissa and Alex are next to them, comparing cute stories about their dogs. Occasionally, they’ll catch Mitch’s attention and he’ll sneak a peek at whatever picture or video has been pulled up and then throw a comment in about how Zeus is the best dog ever, before jumping right back into the debate that he’s having with you, Steph, Justin, and Audrey about which would win in a fight, a gorilla or a grizzly bear. 

“I don’t know how you don’t choose bear!” Justin repeats, even as Audrey is shaking her head at him.

“Hello?” Will whines, leaning against you. “ Did anyone hear me?”

“Being overdramatic?” You pat your hand against his, kind of patronizingly, but this type of behavior from Will isn’t really anything new. “We heard. We just don’t believe it.” You pivot right back into the debate. “Let that gorilla take a swing at ya, buddy. That’s how you don’t choose bear.”

“Thank you!” Audrey cries.

“I got people 6ft tall coming at me everyday! Bring it!” Justin throws his hands up in a challenge.

“You’re both crazy!” Steph looks at you and Audrey and shakes her head.

“People survive bear attacks!” You argue.

Mitch nods. “Gorillas are fucking savage!”

“Oh you know this from all your personal experience hanging out with gorillas?” Steph asks.

“How-how did we get here?” Will frowns, still draped over you and begging for attention.

“Well we somehow started with whether you’d rather fight the one horse sized duck or one hundred duck sized horses.” Justin explains. “But obviously, that’s-”

“-the horse sized duck.” You all chime in together.

“Oh, of course.” Will says, like your obvious conclusion was the one everyone would have reached (it should be).

“And it spiraled from there.” Audrey says.

“I, too, am spiraling.” Will tells her and she immediately fights back a laugh. “Because I’m going to die alone.”

“I guess we have to do this, then?” Justin sighs. 

“You are the married couple who’s supposed to like, have your shit together and offer good advice.” Mitch says.

“Hold up, we did not sign up for that!” Audrey says, as you and Steph laugh. “We’re like, the fun older siblings that you still get in trouble with. John and Aryne are your stable adults.”

“Can we get back to me?” Will jumps in quickly, probably worried that’s about to start another tangent.

“What’s to get back to?” You ask him. “Break ups suck. Get yourself a drink, and then a lot more, and you’ll feel worse in the morning at first, but then a little better.”

Audrey laughs at what’s become your time honored method for getting over breakups. “It just takes time, babe.” She tells him, which just makes Will look murderous. “You’ll find the right girl eventually.”

“I saw a meme the other day that everyone meets their soulmate by the time they’re like 22.” Alex turns and adds in. “So maybe you already have.”

“That was a meme?” Marissa frowns at him.

“Well nah, the meme was about like, not wanting to dive down that hole again or something.” Marissa gives Alex another look that has you all laughing. “It was funnier when you saw it, okay!” Alex protests.

“Mhmm.” She says, entirely unimpressed and Alex pulls his phone back from Mikey to start scrolling through instagram for it. 

“Finally, something helpful.” Will says, finally pulling back from you.

“What?” You ask, looking over to him, sure you heard him wrong. “What’d you just say?”

“That’s it. I’m going to go back and date all the girls I’ve already dated.”

“What?” You repeat, sure that your face is doing...something.

“That’s what Kerf just said!”

“I don’t-I don’t think that’s what he said at all.” Steph says, looking around her, like she’s waiting for confirmation from the rest of you.

“How did you get that from what he just said?” Justin asks. 

Will doesn’t even look phased at either of those comments, barreling on. “It’s genius. I’ve already found the right girl. I just have to figure out which girl I’ve dated is the right girl.”

Audrey bites her lip to fight back a laugh, but when she speaks, she’s looking directly at you. “Maybe the right girl is closer than you think.”

You send a glare at her across the table, but thankfully, Will seems too focused on figuring out what he wants to drink to try and figure out any cryptic clues she might have been trying to drop to him.

-----

“Audrey was right!” He announces to you the next afternoon, when he lets himself in your apartment after practice.

“About what?” You frown, barely looking up from your laptop and the spreadsheet you’re trying to fix.

“The right girl being closer than I think!”

Your heart stops and your head flies up. Will’s grinning back at you. He looks soft and rumpled after practice, arriving to your place in sweats and a hat, wearing his glasses, and looking like he’s ready to crash on your couch and stay there (you’d let him- you’d let him do that and more, ugh these feelings were the worst), but this? Him coming here and saying this so suddenly? It’s-

“I just ran into Jess at Starbucks!”

You close your mouth. Of course, it wasn’t you. Of course Jess was the first of the girls to re-return, and that he managed to casually run into her no less. 

“That’s awesome!” You manage. “Did you-did you grab coffee with her?”

He nods, then moves his hand back and forth. “Well, kinda. For a few minutes. She had to run to a meeting. But we’re going out later this week for real.”

It’s kind of nice to still be able to duck into your laptop and pretend the reason for the lack of smile on your face is because of work, not Will’s tall, beautiful, smart, could-be-a-supermodel ex-girlfriend. “That’s great.” You tell him and he smiles back at you, before going to make himself comfy on your couch until you’re ready to do something for dinner-a routine that’s as old as your friendship since he came to Toronto. 

It’s begun. You text Steph and Audrey.

Please live text us this disaster. Steph texts back and Audrey immediately follows it with a flaming dumpster gif. 

Jess. Is all you send back and they simultaneously text back a string of gasping emojis, which is pretty much on par for how you think this is going to go.

-----

Will throws himself on your couch dramatically hours after his date with Jess, which would be funny if you couldn’t tell he was upset. 

“What happened?” You ask, fighting back a smile. It’s not that you wanted him to have a bad time. It’s just… you’ve seen this film before. You can guess the ending.

“I don’t know.” He sighs. “It started off fine, I thought, and then she started saying how happy she was that I finally realized I was better than the rest of my friends, and that we could make this work now because of that.”

“Hm.” You say noncommittally, because none of what’s coming out of his mouth from Jess is a surprise.

He sits up at that, looking at you, kind of shocked and kind of mad, and that does surprise you. “You knew?”

“Will!” You shake your head. “Everyone knew. She didn’t make it much of a secret how much she disliked us.”

His jaw drops. “Was I the only one who didn’t know?” You nod. “And you all didn’t tell me?”

You shrug. “Well. We really didn’t think she’d last as long as she did.”

“That’s not really an excuse.” He frowns.

“You’re right,” You acknowledge, because it’s true and you and Steph and Mitch and Auston had all talked about it since. “But it took us a while to realize how different she was around you and us and by the time we did…” You trail off. “You guys had broken up. We didn’t think it’d be an issue again. We never held back after that.”

“Oh you certainly didn’t.” Will mutters, and you know he’s thinking about Abigail and everything that had been said when he’d brought her to meet you all for the first time.

“We’ve found our center!” You cry. “We’re better now!”

Will lies back down, resting his head against your leg and your hand goes to rest in his hair. Will loves having his hair played with and this is the least you can do for him. “You tell yourselves that.”

You brush some hair back from his face, smiling at how content he looks with his eyes closed and the small smile on his face. “I don’t have to, the group chat will do it for me.”

One of his eyes pops open. “There’s a group chat?”

You scratch your nails through his hair, which is probably dirty pool, because he loves that. “Shh, don’t worry about it.”

-----

Steph invites you and Audrey over for a bridal party planning session one evening and Mitch is absolutely gleeful when you walk in the door. 

“Do you know, did you hear?”

“Ugh.” Is all you have to say, reaching for the wine Steph’s already pouring you.

“Come on, man, read the room.” Audrey lectures.

“You do!” He cries, ignoring her completely. “Come on, tell me.”

“I’ve been sworn to secrecy.” You tell him, enjoying the look on his face at that.

He scowls. “We’ve been trying to get it out of him all week. He won’t say shit.” You cackle and he flips you off, grinning as he makes his goodbyes, off to Auston’s with Zeus for the dogs to have a “brodate.”

“Can you really not say?” Audrey whispers, once he’s left, as if that’s not just something you’d said to fuck with Mitch.

You nod. “It’s Alex.”

“Shut up!” Steph cries immediately. 

You raise your eyebrows as you take a sip of wine.

“Is he there now?” Audrey asks. “Like with her? Or at hers?”

You nod.

“Why didn’t we turn this into a reality show?” Audrey wonders aloud. “Forget Leaf to Leaf, the production team has a better purpose this year.”

You crack up, promising to keep them posted when you hear from Will, and with that Steph pulls a book of color samples out.

-----

“Is it me?” Will stares at you expectantly, watching you make yourself coffee the next morning, so you pour a second mug and pass it over to him.

“No.” You assure him. “Well, maybe.” He glares at you. “But really only in this case.”

He huffs. “Why didn’t this one work then?”

You burst into laughter. “Because she’s basically your brother!”

The sight he makes at that- frozen, with his mug halfway to his mouth, jaw dropped just a little- is incredible. It’s so rare that moments like that happen and you have a camera ready to capture them.

Luckily for you, you’ve got your phone in hand already and somehow, have the wherewithal to drop into the camera app and snap a picture.

“Delete that!” He says immediately.

“Never.” You stick your tongue out at him, already texting it to your group with Steph and Audrey. Caption this. 

No thoughts head empty. Steph comes back immediately. 

Audrey’s just as quick. When you can’t remember if you turned the straightener off before you left home.

SO close. You send back, even as Will tries to steal the phone from you. But it’s actually “when your best friend had to be the one to tell you that your ex and your brother are the same person down to their NAME”

Will’s stopped trying to make a play for your phone by the time you get a response back (Steph’s laugh and Audrey, queen of the gif as usual) but he’s looking at you like he’s thinking. “You-you-”

“Yes?” You ask patiently, sipping your coffee.

But there’s not a lot to say on that, you think. Even when Will and Alex had first broken up, he hadn’t been able to give you all much of a reason why at the time, just that for all they had really gotten along in so many ways, something had just seemed off about it-and she had agreed, he’d said- so they’d mutually parted ways. The parallels between her and his brother had been obvious, you thought, and you know it wasn’t just you who saw them.

“You just ruined that whole relationship.” Will says.

Apparently not obvious to Will, though.

“You were already broken up!” You protest.

“No, you ruined my memory of it.” He says with a completely straight face, which he somehow manages to keep for another minute before you realize that he’s fucking with you entirely. 

-----

Brooke arrives back into Will’s life the same way she left it last time- in a whirlwind of drama.

“She did what!” Audrey gasps and you turn the volume down quickly, eyes scanning over the waiting room around you.

“She hit him with her car!” You repeat, looking down at the FaceTime call. “I’m literally at the hospital now, waiting to hear from the doctor.”

“Jesus Christ.” Audrey’s shaking her head in disbelief. “That boy.”

“I mean,” You defend, the need to stick up for Will bubbling up inside you. “It’s not, like, his fault.”

“Not at all, but you’ve got to admit, he does get himself into some wild situations.” She hums. “Auston’s dated some real winners but even he’s never been hit by a car.”

“I-“ You don’t have much of a response to that. “He didn’t get like hit by her car; she just clipped him.”

She gives you a flat look. “That’s what you’re going with?”

“There’s the doctor.” You say lamely, and even though it’s not a lie, you can tell she can see right through you and that you’re thankful for the excuse by the knowing look on her face. “Gotta go.”

“Mmm.” She gives you another look. “Alright babe, you go make sure Will’s okay. I’ll be ready for you with the wine later.”

A nurse brings you back, smiling and chatting politely with you until you reach the area that Will’s been waiting in for a few more tests. At first, you think the bay is empty, but then you realize there are actually two people in the room.

That they’re just sitting that close.

Brooke’s hands are laced with Will’s and there are tracks of mascara running down her face. She doesn’t acknowledge you at all, even as you check in with Will and how he’s feeling, as the doctor gives him a clean bill of health and tells him to follow up with the team doctors tomorrow.

“You ready to go?” You ask Will, and somehow, someway, you already know what’s going to happen next, before Brooke even speaks.

“Actually, Will and I are going to go grab lunch.” She says smoothly. 

Your face freezes, hopefully in somewhat of a smile, but you couldn’t say at all what it was actually doing. Will untangles one hand from Brooke’s to squeeze your shoulder gently, reassuringly, as he passes, and he gives you a smile. “I’ll come see you tomorrow.” He promises, as she pulls him out of the room before you’ve even realized what’s happened.

Definitely going to need that wine. You send Audrey once you manage to collect some thoughts and realize that you’re left alone in an emergency room that wasn’t even for you.

That bad?? You can practically hear the shock in her voice.

Arguably worse. You send back.

Man. She sends. There is something about Brooke.

You don’t respond to that. There’s just something about Brooke, is right 

-----

When it’s been about a week since you’ve seen Will in person, you text him. 

Everything okay?

Everything is great! Why? Wait are you okay? He sends back right away.

Just haven’t seen you in a while! I’m good!

He likes that message and even though he’s sure to text you more frequently after that, you still don’t actually get to see him.

You end up on Audrey Holl’s couch one day when the boys are away, head in Steph’s lap as she openly laughs at you.

“You’re a mess.” Audrey says.

“That’s not news!” You pout at her. “Can you tell me how to get my best friend back, please?”

“Have you just...asked him?” Steph asks. “You sound a lot like Will right now.”

“You take that back!” You poke her leg. She’s sitting far too close to you to be saying things like that.

Steph and Audrey both laugh at that though, but it’s Steph that replies. “Again. Have you asked him to hang out with you recently?”

Your silence answers that.

“Maybe,” Audrey pours another serving of wine in your glass. “You start there.”

They only laugh at you for another few minutes before helping you draft a text to Will, asking if he’s free to hang out when he gets back from his road trip. 

It doesn’t take Will long to respond at all, confirming plans with you the day after they get back, and you settle into girls’ day feeling better than you have since Brooke came back into your lives.

-----

“I’m sorry!” Will hastens to say, but he’s balancing two coffees in hand as he kicks your door shut behind him, so you’re inclined to forgive his lateness. “My-well, it was a whole thing.”

“I was going to give you five more minutes before I sent out a search party.” You laugh, accepting the cup he offers. “Is everything okay?”

He nods. “Yeah.” Then he sighs. “I’m just happy to be here, I’ll say that.”

“Me too.” You blurt out, before you can stop yourself. “I’ve missed you!”

Will just grins. “Me too.” He says, as his phone buzzes. He looks at it, makes a face, and slides it back into his pocket. “Ready to go?”

“For breakfast still?” You throw your hand over your heart dramatically, smiling wider when he grins. “A man after my heart.”

“I know better than to let you go hungry.” Will teases. “This is really for my safety, you see.”

“Mmm.” You nod. “Yeah, uh huh. Nothing to do at all with the pancakes voted best in Toronto only last month.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Will feigns innocence and opens the door to your Uber, ignoring his phone buzzing again. “I would never make a list ranking all those places in order of menu and aesthetic to try them all and see if they’re appropriately rated.”

You’re still cackling as he climbs in beside you, confirming the restaurant for the driver. “You are absurd.”

He shrugs. “You love me anyway.”

You fight back a smile and just shake your head at him, mostly to stop yourself from blurting out that yeah, you do.

Will’s phone starts buzzing again though, and then curiosity stops you from saying anything stupid. You watch as he barely glances at it before ignoring the call and then shoves it back in his jacket pocket and then he changes the subject so quickly you don’t even have time to ask him about it.

It keeps happening though, all throughout breakfast-Will’s phone buzzing with calls and texts and him ignoring it with subject changes or funny quips. You have your suspicions by the fifth or so time it rings, but you don’t get a chance to confirm them until Will gets up to go to the bathroom and leaves his phone behind. 

Brooke’s face has appeared on his screen three times by the time he comes back and it’s ringing again when sits back down. Once again, Will barely looks at it as he ignores the call, but this time you frown. “Do you need to go?”

“Nope.” He says, and you can hear the annoyance in his voice. “I’m exactly where I want to be.”

“It doesn’t sound like someone else wants you here.” You say coolly.

“Well, she doesn’t want me to do a lot of things.” Will mutters.

“Then why are you with her?” It comes out before you can stop it and from the look on his face, the outburst surprises Will as much as it does you. “I didn’t-”

“No, go on.” He says and the silence that follows is the most awkward the two of you have ever sat through.

“I just don’t want you to be unhappy.” You say, finally. “If Brooke is who makes you happy, then great! It’s just- whenever you’re with her, you don’t seem like yourself.”

“I’m fine.” He smiles, but it doesn’t quite as bright as usual, and it feels like prime evidence that something isn’t right.

—--

It’s barely a few hours later when you hear the pounding on your door and you begrudgingly pause your twentieth rewatch of New Girl to go answer it.

“Hi?” You step back to let Will in. “Did we have plans again?”

“No.” Will shuts the door behind him. “I just-”

“Oh.” Your face falls. “Oh no. Brooke?”

“Yeah, but-”

You cut him off. “Aw, Will, I’m so sorry!” You loop your arms around him in a hug, which he quickly returns, squeezing tight. 

“You’re not.” He mutters into your hair.

“Well.” You fight back a smile into his shoulder. “I mean, I’m not sorry it wasn’t Brooke, but I am sorry it didn’t work out. I know how hard you’ve been trying.” You start to pull back, but he keeps his arm around you.

“She asked me to choose.” He says into your hair and you’re pretty sure you heard correctly, but still, you have to ask him to repeat it. “She asked me to choose. Her or you.”

“Oh.” You bite your lip and try to bury your face in his shoulder again. “Um, how-what did you-.”

Will lifts your chin up with his fingers, carefully looking you in the eye and stopping you from looking away. “There’s no choice, okay? I choose you.”

“What?” You breathe.

“I choose you.” Will repeats. “I choose you. I’ve been choosing you this whole time and I’ve been too dumb to see it. I’ll always choose you.”

“Will.” You breathe out, and for the first time, you actually see him look nervous. 

“And I hope, maybe, you’ll choose me too.” Will adds softly, so softly that if you weren’t as close as you are, you aren’t sure you would have heard him.

“Always.” You smile, and that’s all you get to say before Will kisses you.

[ethereal-engene]

brightest of them all | woozi

pairing: bf!jihoon x gn!reader

genre: fluff // warnings: mentions of food & not proof-read

summary: when dropping by your boyfriend’s studio turns into him making a song of out of your poem // word count: ~1265

note: fully inspired by this post from @imagine-svt everyone say thank you to Aeris for her ideas and happy woozi day <3

100% in love with this concept b/c I is a poet myself so yeah :) (I’m using a line or two from one of my original pieces)

You decided to drop by Woozi’s studio to share some cake together and spend some time with him because you missed him so much. With Seventeen finishing up another stop for their Be The Sun tour, they must be tired but you knew Jihoon would be at the studio for god knows what. He’s either married to the music or the gym.

Knocking on the door until you’re met with Jihoon’s face wearing a somewhat annoyed face. His facial expression softened when his eyes registered that it's you. Right then and there, he opens the door for you to come in.

When you set down your things and look at him. He’s staring at you with tired eyes but still full of love. Noticing it, you open your arms and watch as he leans into them. A sigh comes out. “God, I forgot how much I really missed you. Tour is fun but it’d be funnier if you were there, my love. Also what’d you think of dream?”

A drawn hum is heard from you. “It’s a really catchy and heartfelt song. Honestly I wasn't expecting it but you know I’ll always love your music. I seriously can’t get over how skilled you are in penning lyrics. They’re always so meaningful… okay well most of the time. And you know I wish I could join y’all on tour but unfortunately I have a full-time job that isn’t being an idol.”

He gets up after hearing that because he has to say what he’s about to say next to your face. “My love, I appreciate your kind words and I really believe that you would be great at writing lyrics too. Like have you seen and read the poems you’ve written? They’d make such great lyrics and in fact, let’s go write a song with them right now!”

And with that, he got up first from the sofa and held out his hand. Without a second thought, you took it and tried to pull him back down to sit but failed. “Now, I don’t doubt it but can’t we do that another day? You just got back from Japan and are going to leave in a couple days again. And plus I got us this!”

You hold up the slice of cake with a smile on your face.

“Happy birthday, my red ruby!” You give him a kiss on the cheek before revealing what the cake looks like. The cake has a little ruby guitar and of course the letters spelling out happy birthday to Jihoon. If he could melt into a puddle right now, he would. He’s left speechless for a few seconds before thanking you.

“Uji…I know it’s your birthday and all but could I record a video of you with your cake saying shit this is red too? If you say yes, we can work on turning my poem into a song!”

He should have seen this coming from miles away because you haven’t stopped with the “shit, this is red too” jokes since Ruby came out. Jihoon rolls his eyes at your request but says yes. He won’t ever tell you out loud but he enjoys hearing them from you but also he does want to help you see how good at writing you are too. After recording the video, you send it to the seventeen & you group chat. Receiving multiple ㅋㅋㅋ messages from them. Then you two finally enjoy the cake together.

Not even a minute passes as you two devour the cake, he immediately holds your hand to go to where all of the magic happens. “Alright, my love. Show me one of your poems & we’ll go from there.” You nod and show him the poem.

Brightest of them all

They say to reach for the stars but what if I’ve already caught the brightest of them all?

“This kind of fits dream’s concept ever so slightly and it’s a sweet poem. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this poem is about me but I don’t think it is.” He wonders about who this is about but is brought out of his head when you answer him.

“Hmm originally I didn’t have a person in mind but now that I have you, you could say it’s about you.” Jihoon turns to you and does nothing but stare at you. He’s so in love with you and he hopes that you know that just like your poem, you light up his life too. Heart eyes are practically shooting out of his eyes.

He responds with a cute awww before returning to look at the poem that could essentially be a verse and parts of a chorus. However, he’s probably going to just focus on what’s on hand right now just to prove his point. So you two spend a good chunk of time going through what Woozi and his mastermind is thinking for this.

Starting to play around with samples of twinkles to emulate a star and being satisfied with the choices, Jihoon works his magic by creating a new rhythm and beat. He’s not doing it alone though, he gets your input at each step. Seeing if there’s something that could be changed to sound better or not. He smiles every time when he glances over at you having as much fun as him doing this. Thinking to himself, he’s got to do this with you more often. Imagine how powerful y’all would be penning lyrics together and more. Y’all would be unstoppable.

Now the final step of this process is having you two singing the lyrics or lines from your poem. Jihoon decided that because this was your poem, he didn’t want to change it unless you wanted to. You took that chance and removed or added a few words to make it flow better. Even if you weren’t the best at singing, he helped you get comfortable with it and guided you as he does with the members. Besides this was all for fun and only for your ears to hear.

Hearing the final product made your heart swell. It was a really cute snippet of what could be a full song. Seeing your reaction made Jihoon fall more in love with you if possible. “See, I told you. Your writing is just as good or even better than I am with song-writing!!” His arms folded and wearing a smirk. You can’t even hate or attempt to look annoyed at him. You’re still in awe of how good this turned out. “Yeah yeah whatever. It’s not like I didn’t believe you, geez.” You ended up pouting a little before he kissed it away.

“I know I know, I’m just saying. If you ever wanted to go into song-writing or the music industry, I’ve got you.”

“Yeah, I know Uji and for the record baby. I think you are THE music industry mister genius singer-songwriter producer dancer performer composer all-rounder woozi of seventeen.” He chuckles and hides into your shoulder. It sounds like today you were on a mission to get him all flushed and blushed with all of the compliments, well at least more than usual. What can you say? You’ve mastered making your boyfriend turn into a ruby. (Not sure if that made sense but essentially making him blush a lot that his face is as red as a ruby)

Little bonus: he ends up re-recording what y’all made with his own voice to share with everyone on twitter with the caption: “the brightest of them all” which is the title of the poem :)

WAH HAPPY UJI DAY GUYS !! I hope you enjoyed this and I love him sm and really love this idea a little too much. Thank you so much for reading 

If you enjoyed it as well please do interact by sending in an ask, leaving a note, reblogging with tags, or even messaging me! Or if you didn’t like it, that’s fine too

signing off with love for woozi

- ash

[endiness]

the batman lb

~

okay, i guess i'll reserve my commentary to a lb now instead of spamming.

when is a batman property gonna be brave enough to make alfred posh again. bruce pulling the "you're not my real dad" card on alfred. like, legitimately, is this supposed to be a comedy. how did people watch this in theatres and not crack the FUCK up, it is beyond me.

you have THREE hours. why are you speedrunning the cypher. like, why is this so fast paced? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE REST OF THE TIME IN THIS MOVIE IF THIS IS HOW YOU'RE SPENDING IT NOW. I AM CONCERNED. when this movie isn't unintentionally funny, it's just boring. i mean, why else would you just take a thumb? obvs it would be used to unlock something, duh. also, like, what'd you think was gonna happen putting that mystery usb into your computer? maybe put it into a burner with no personal information and network connection on it next time, maybe.

WHY'D YOU MAKE HIS BOOTS SO STUPIDLY STOMPY. IT SOUNDS FUCKING DUMB. also it just makes me think clang, clang, thunk, scrape. it'd be funnier if this were some bdsm club and then batman would come in and nobody would bat (hehe) an eyelash at his outfit choice. HEY, GUYS, DID YOU KNOW THIS CHICK IS CATWOMAN? LOOK AT ALL THE CATS. DO YA GET IT? DO YA GET IT??? everything about this batcat scene is bad and dumb. also, they don't have chemistry.

why is the place SO destroyed. there's TOO MUCH evidence. it's the riddler? are sure? are you sure you aren't mr jigsaw man? are you really certain? LMAO IT'S LITERALLY JUST JIGSAW THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. THAT EVERYTHING IN THIS MOVIE IS PLAYED COMPLETELY STRAIGHT. "you got a lot of cats." yeah, duh, bruce. how else would we know she's catwoman. the audience is completely stupid and has to have everything spelled out to them, don't you know anything? (the sad thing is that's true. people ARE that stupid these days. ugh, why'd y'all have to ruin it for the rest of us with brains.)

"they injected him with arsenic." "rat poison." also known as: poison. "what kind of demented sob does this to a person?" jigsaw! :) oh sorry, did you want me to say riddler? but i don't see him anywhere 🤷‍ anyway, remember when jim carrey was riddler. that was at least fun, wasn't it. the complete lack of batcat chemistry lmao. I'M NOT EVEN AN HOUR INTO THIS MOVIE 😭 hey, y'know what makes up for a total lack of chemistry? the old bickering married couple trope, especially for characters that've known each other for like 5 seconds. jk, that's bad. don’t do that. selina would be more interesting if she were just her own character and not selina or catwoman and also if this movie would let her exclusively be about her friend and not, like, batcat nonsense.

when the riddler isn't jigsaw'ing it up he's brainy'ing it up. (y'know, brainy. from hey arnold.) the riddler just blunt force trauma'ing all his victims is so funny. like, i've watched criminal minds. i know that means you're just a coward. especially since you have to get them all when their backs are turned. coward. like, legit, are you supposed to find the riddler in this intimidating? because he isn't. he's funny when he's lurking behind people as if that's somehow supposed to be scary when it isn't, and he's hilarious when he's smashing people's heads in because he must have so non-existent self-esteem that's the only way he feels comfortable enough to attack people, and then he's also funny when he's trying to be the riddler because you're actually just coming up with saw traps. I'M STILL NOT EVEN AN HOUR INTO THIS MOVIE.

oh yay, forcing this batcat narrative despite them having no chemistry. and selina genuinely being a better character far, far away from him. also, you have to keep up appearances beCAUSE YOU NEED A COVER STORY, YOU BAFOON. joker did everything about this better. full offense but pattinson's bruce sucks. he's so boring and awkward. and like, not in a good way like how bruce should be. 'cause he should be a lil awkward. but he should at least be able to FAKE being mr eligible bachelor man, if literally only for appearance and cover's story sake. the bruce in this feels like everybody interviewed about him after he has been convicted of being batman would go "yeah, that kid was always a fuckin' weirdo, i ain't surprised at all." JOKER DID EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS BETTER, FFS.

i'd get out of there. a smart person would've made that car a bomb. i guess making the person inside of it is the same thing. this is so fucking boring, honestly. 🙄 AND I'VE STILL 2 HOURS LEFT. clang, clang, thunk, scrapeeeee. batman has come to uh... untape. that man's mouth. "*heavy breathing*" IT'S BRAINY, Y'ALL! no, you're nygma. e nygma. edward nygma. lmao, joker did all of this so much better. this movie is SO embarrassing. really, i'd have thought since you were a child, you loved the saw movie franchise. 🤷‍ bruce, i don't think you're supposed to be helping him cheat. but is riddler gonna call you out or. is that gonna happen when you get to the third one and bruce has answered them all for you. oh, that didn't happen. lame.

the idea that batman would somehow survive a point blank explosion to his face when it took off the other guy's head who he was literally right next to when the bomb exploded... now you've broken my immersion on top of everything else. if you're going to be afraid of somebody high up on the food chain in a corrupt justice system, i'd think you've be afraid of like... the mayor? not whoever the fuck that guy is. OHMYGOD, JIM IS FAKING INTERROGATING BATMAN????? WHO??? COULD HAVE FORSEEN??? THIS??????? does the movie think this looks cool? i hope it knows it looks lame.

somebody add that whip noise effect for how often this scene is switching between coverage of bruce and jim lmao. why doesn't batman just upload all of this evidence to like tiktok or something. modern day technology exists in this iteration. he's actually being extremely ineffective as batman by not doing that. STOP PRETENDING THAT BATCAT IN THIS HAVE CHEMISTRY. THEY DON'T. shouldn't bruce be like brain dead with how many successive concussions that he's had at this point. bruce revving his engine like this is somehow supposed to be intimidating... embarrassing. i must have THE most bored expression on my face watching this chase scene. LOOK IT'S THE SCENE FROM HEAVY RAIN! how does this scene have any stakes. did anybody watch this and care about what was happening. i mean i guess now there's stakes that poor innocent people are being sucked in this clusterfuck lol. but i mean for the main characters? eh, who cares. oh look the car is flipping, you can tell because it's that shot of the stuff in the car goin’ nuts. LOOK HOW COOL BATMAN LOOKS UPSIDE DOWN IN THE RAIN WITH THE FIRE AND HIS STOMPY STOMPY BOOTS. HE'S SUPER COOL, RIGHT GUYS? AND WITH THE SUPER COOL MUSIC PLAYING? WE MADE A GOOD MOVIE, RIGHT? that's what i assume the people who made this movie were thinking.

when i can even take them saying the riddler seriously i just hear method man saying the riddler. *takes a 3min dance break for the song* i'm not joking, i took a break to listen that song. OH THANK CHRIST. i am halfway through this movie. THE EVIL IS 50% DEFEATED. 🎶 THE RIDDLAR 🎶 this movie is soooooo bad lol. i mean el also means god. is that gonna be a thing lol. remember when jon glover voiced the riddler. that was fun, wasn't it? remember when lost did this bit with the old school technology? that was fun, wasn't it? THE TOWER? THE TOWER THAT JEREMIAH DESIGNED? is that what you're talking about? okay, but fr, why is there an HOUR AND A HALF OF THIS MOVIE LEFT.

ohno, bruce, you've put alfred in danger by existing AND after you've already pulled the "you're not my dad" card on him. that's sad, huh. "i'm afraid it already has, sir." dory is hilarious. unintentionally. please explain how alfred is doing so poorly despite at least THROWING THE BOMB AWAY FROM HIM but meanwhile bruce survived a fucking point blank explosion. POINT BLANK. LITERALLY RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO HIM. like, you can either have realism or fantastical. YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE. YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH SOMETIMES AND OTHER TIMES NOT. every time this movie thinks it's being cool my eyes just roll. 🙄

THEY DON'T HAVE CHEMISTRY. STOP. everything about this is getting lamer and lamer 🙄 THERE'S STILL OVER AN HOUR LEFT. i mean, the joker also thought bruce's parents were his when they weren't. did you get a dna test done or. why's it so laaaaaaaaaame. why are they kissing. this doesn't make sense. ugH. now, you could make this acceptable if she stole shit off of him.

"martha was in and out of asylums" joker!martha canon??? okay. i highly dislike this version of bruce. he is just *sad trombone noise* i don't want *sad trombone noise* for a bruce. ...didn't i play this scene in a batman game or something. why is the plot for this just jumping everywhereeeeeeeee. *sad trombone noise* is so boring. all of the wayne manor designs (sans gotham) have been bad since 90s batman ended. 💅 bruh, he just woke up. calm down. what, you did nothing for your mom? RUDE. ....i miss when alfred got to be posh. i do not accept any of you non-posh alfreds. 🙈 this scene is so touching. is what somebody would say who is possibly easily manipulated i guess. not me though.

i just. do not like this selina. there are only two selina's for me and they are from batman returns and btas. why would you do this plot and make everything so boring when you could've just done white knight. except whoever made this would've just made that boring too. "come on, vengeance." pls stop. literally every time this movie is like look how cool this is, it's just the lamest shit ever.

now it's like you're trying to copy batman returns but like. you have to know batman returns did it better, right. right. if all of you stopped monologuing, you'd solve all of your problems. like, at all. instead of not at all. omg, she scratched him. like a cat. get it. 'cause she's catwoman. GET IT. DO YOU GET IT. everything about this is just the lamest. i mean, batman's secretly recording everything he sees and hears so perhaps not. THERE'S STILL ALMOST A FUCKING HOUR LEFT.

i was going to make a joke about the riddler sniping falcone but i guss it wasn't a joke, huh. i hope it is the riddler who shot him because that makes actually no fucking sense whatsoever. so it's perfect for this movie! remember how fun the riddler's place was in batman forever and they played bad days by the flaming lips? that was fun, wasn't it? ohmygod, is he drawing a question mark in his cappuccino or whatever. because that'd just be. so clever of this movie. so clever and creative. i am not at all being sarcastic. IT'S THE ONE THAT SAYS E NYGMA. AS IN NYGMA. EDWARD NYGMA. oh, movie, you're just oh so creative and clever to have him draw a question mark in his coffee. i'm so super duper impressed by you and your storytelling skills!

no, his name is edward nygma. "suffocating my mind no escape" yeah yeah cut my life into pizza, we get it. "he's got like 500 followers." i have a lot more followers than that. on tumblr. tumblr. wow, is it: I'M GONNA SAY WHO BATMAN IS. i, for one, would gladly have this be the end of THE batman. 'cause this movie is bad and you're a bad lame-o batman, full offense.

...is that collar a joke, because you could easily slip it over your head. like, it's much larger than his head. okay, so on top of being jigsaw and brainy, he's also literally just stanley coleman too? dumb. man, you know things in places like this are recorded, right? or did you stop the cameras? kinda looks like they're still recording so uh, you're kinda already fucked. where's the joker to pop in a bitchslap the fuck out of riddler and be like "WE ALL KNOW HE'S BRUCE, YOU MORON. YOU'RE RUINING THE GAME WITH BATMAN FOR THE REST OF US." the joker did this way better. 🙄 WHY THE FUCK IS THERE STILL OVER 30 MINS OF THIS MOVIE LEFT. why'd people give joker so much shit when this movie and character exists lol. bruh, are you faking this or like everything in this movie: is this supposed to be unironically played straight. let's fast forward outta this scene already pls.

i am at the point where if i could run this movie at 2x speed, i would be already. alas, i cannot. now you're just stealing from jeremiah and gotham. LAME. literally every single thing this movie is copying... everything else did it better lol. jeremiah already did this and he's so much cooler this is so unfair 😤 LITERALLY GOTHAM ALREADY DID THIS AND IT WAS SO MUCH COOLER UGH. also, like, year one/zero year was the inspiration for both, right. BUT GOTHAM LEGITIMATELY DID THIS BETTER AND COOLER.

ohno, the dumbass mayor who thinks she knows better than everyone else got shot. how terrible. also, i totally have emotional investment in all of this characters and not. literally none. oh yay, it's the look how cool batman is fight scenes. yay. waiting for the moment when batman gets saved by catwoman 'cause this is super lame and that's one of the lamest things that could happen. oh i'm sub 30 mins, yay! this random villain taking for fucking ever to just shoot batman when he could've just shot him. lame. also, hey, catwoman stopped him and saved batman. who could have forseen this totally not lame turn of events.

remember when the joker and batman were bleeding out and their blood was making a broken heart on the ground. anyway, that was more romantic than this nonsense. so now he's just using magic juice to pump himself up? lmao. what even is this. "i'm vengeance." yeah, it sounds lame af doesn't it. i know that's not the real reason. but it should be. isn't the entire city there getting deded lol. LMAO ARE YOU FOR REAL. THIS IS SO FUCKING LAME. like, your epic "oh batman dies" moment is him being a fucking moron and cutting an electrical wire to stop it from electrocuting people except THEN you fucking chicken out and don't even have him die (or ‘die’)? EVEN THOUGH YOU SHOT IT AS A DEATH SCENE MOMENT. HOW MUCH FUCKING LAMER CAN THIS MOVIE GET, JESUS. all tea all shade all offense but batfleck did this better. look at how ~emotional and ~moving this scene is. totally not schlocky as hell. wait, was that the dumbass mayor who's there? who got shot? bitch, you're gonna die in those waters. your wound is getting super infected. that's sad huh.

OH YAY THE EMO MUSIC STARTS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO COME ON WE'VE RETURNED TO THE RORSCHACH VOICE OVER NARRATIONS?????????? THIS IS SO SAD FOR YOU. I'M SO EMBARRASSED FOR YOU. THIS IS REALLY PATHETIC, Y'ALL. ugh, when is this gonna be over. somebody soundproof the riddler's cell. YOU CAN'T SUCK ME IN WITH BATJOKES. I WON'T FALL FOR THIS. is this how it's gonna end. on them. having no chemistry.  "you're already spoken for." YEAH, BY THE JOKER. i mean, not this batman. he's *sad trombone noise* and deserves no jokers. but like, batmans in general. they are all spoken for. (by the joker.) all you have to do is end the movie and you're still making it lame. YAY, IT'S OVER. I'M FREE. anyway, gotham did all of this, everything in this movie, but better. go watch gotham. 💅

[dark-horse76]

Gotham Academy Vol 1: Welcome to Gotham Academy

So, after reading Gotham Academy Second Semester Vol 1, I went hunting through the library's catalogue and rustled up the first Gotham Academy TPB xd.

I still don't know if I actually like this book, but I do like Maps quite a lot xd. I think I want to read more, though, which is a bit unfortunate because I believe my library only has one other volume and I still don't want to buy it lol.

So, have my favourite bits from this book: 

I know she hates Batman because of what happened between Batman and her mom, but I like this / think it’s funny because I can imagine living in Gotham and seeing the Bat Signal and just thinking “oh FFS something bad is happening in town AGAIN” and it being a constant reminder that I might be next. I mean, I guess it’d be a comfort to know someone like Batman may come save you, but still. Like, seriously, what is Gotham’s crime rate - 100%? xd

Lol That’s famous last words. Cue nearly falling off the stairs and off the building xd

😂😂😂

[I don’t think of lath & plaster as ‘standard’ for the US. But I guess maybe for old buildings in the NE.] 

“All of my dungeon-crawling fantasties are about to come true. [...] I’m gonna loot the crap out of this place.” 😂😂😂

xd

Someone introduce this girl to spreadsheets - can you imagine what’d she get up to with them? xdxdxd

Lol that book is on my TBR list. 

She’s so funny. And I kinda find the last panel funnier because one of the unis I went to did have a lockpicking club - couple of my flatmates were in it. I gave it a very brief go, but I was complete rubbish at it xd

😂😂😂

Tsk, tsk, Bruce taking liberties with formality. 

“Did Batman kill you?” LOL

“Can’t talk. Pizza.” Mood xd

The food at this school is way too posh. 

Okay it’s probably still in more common use in posh places like this, but I do like that the headmaster uses the old “Master” title that used to be for boys (like Miss for girls). Also, Damian is cute, and Bruce looks like he’s 25 - adding to my theory that Bruce is Forever 25 xd. 

[lovely-keii]

self-proclaimed genius

tsukishima x reader

summary: every now and then, a wise man will rush in as a fool does. tsukishima thinks it’s not so dumb to fall in love.

a/n: another super short self-indulgent fic because that seems like all i can write for haikyuu these days

tsukishima prides himself in his intellect. he thought before he spoke, he observes before acting, and he never fails to win battles of wits. but somewhere between the gaps of knowledge and pride, he finds love. 

he walks into class, hands buried in his pockets, half-heartedly listening to yamaguchi’s rambles. tadashi’ll forgive him for not listening anyways, friendship does that to people. and so his day goes on, the usual bore of lessons he couldn’t care less about consuming his time.

“god, you’re really smart.” tsukishima jolts, taken by surprise by the sudden voice beside him. he looks at you, and he tries to recall your name. fuck. sometimes being an asshole had its setbacks. 

you continue on, ignoring his obviously startles state, “the teacher wanted to give you your test. you got it all right, by the way.” you hand his paper to him, grumbling to yourself.

usually, he’d nod and go on with his day, but fortunately for you, he finds it in himself to entertain you. “what’d you get?”

“a 98...” you sigh, clearly unimpressed with your score. “that’s not too bad. decent, actually.”

“easy for you to say. you’re always getting 100′s. you rarely even get 99′s,” you reason, frowning a bit. he laughs at your expression. this time, it was your turn to be surprised. “you’re laughing?”

“sorry, sorry, i wasn’t trying to laugh at-”

“no, no! it’s not that! i just wasn’t aware you were capable of laughing!”

tsukishima snickers at that, “why?” you shoot him an incredulous look. “i’m pretty sure this is the first time half this class has seen you laugh.”

“well, if they tried being funnier, maybe they’d see it more.”

a moment of silence. “hey, tsukishima.”

“yeah?”

“you don’t know my name, do you?”

“how’d you guess?”

“you didn’t seem the type to know who your classmates are. i’m y/n l/n. just to easen up your mind.”

tsukishima knew he was smart, but even geniuses could be fools in love. after all, only fools knew to rush in when wise men choose not to. and if his reward for his stupidity was you, then he could find peace with idiocy.

[matsbarzal]

Could I request fluff #6 with Jack Hughes?

fluff #6. "you've been my best friend for 10 years, why not change it to husband and wife?"

pairing: jack hughes x fem!reader word count: 1.4k

It was always easy to love him. It was easy to love the friendship he initiated all those years ago, and it was even easier to admit your love bore a little deeper when he admitted his feelings were more than friendly about you. A decade long friendship had blossomed into something more, and it was something neither you, nor Jack had any arguments against.

Jack always brought up your ‘friendiversary’, and you couldn’t help but get a laugh out of the pure joy he always bestowed on you every time he mentioned it. The new kid in school accidentally exploding his yogurt tube all over his desk partner was probably one of the funnier ways to begin a lifelong friendship that would eventually blossom into more.

“So, how are we celebrating a whole decade together this year? Should we go get frozen yogurt? Maybe we can make a re-enactment of what happened in middle school? We could make it a whole thing, make a tiktok about it and everything,” you could feel your eyes rolling involuntarily at his words, shooting Jack a glare from across the room.

“We’re not doing anything that involves yogurt.”

“Not even something sexy?” Wigging his eyebrows at you, your hand immediately reached for the pillow beside you to whip at your boyfriend.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Lil’ Jizzy,” groaning at your words, Jack plopped himself on the couch beside you, instantly pulling you into his side.

Shrugging his shoulders at you, you could see him googling friendiversary ideas out of the corner of your eye. “Babe, we don’t even have to do anything. We could cuddle up and order food and just watch a movie or something, it doesn’t have to be anything special.”

“It’s our ten-year friendiversary, baby. We can’t just do nothing. I’ll figure something out, don’t worry. You’ll love it.”

It would be hard to admit that a trip to Florida in the middle of the season was what you were expecting from Jack. He had practically thrust the tickets into your hand, informing you that you had less than three hours to pack, all while giving you a list of the specific outfits he wanted you to bring.

You knew almost immediately that Jack had definitely not planned the celebration alone, just by the Airbnb that you pulled up in front of. First, you didn’t even realize he knew what an Airbnb was. Second of all, there was no way Jack Hughes had managed to find a place this gorgeous on his own.

Shooting a message to P.K. was your first priority, knowing full well he was the likely culprit behind the gorgeous booking in front of you.

“Okay, so I have a full itinerary. Tonight, we’re just going to chill, relax, get situated, maybe break the house in, you know… the usual stuff,” ending his sentence off with a wink, Jack grabbed your hand and pulled you along behind him.

“Tomorrow we’re going to head out to the marina that I don’t know the exact name of but will figure out and we’re gonna spend most of the day on the water, and then dinner… obviously. Sunday, you have to plan. I’ll pay… but you have to plan.”

Giggling into his ear as you pressed your body closer to his to press a gentle kiss on the nape of his neck, Jack tilted his head to the side with a small grin plastered across his lips.

“Sounds like the perfect weekend, baby. I think we should probably get started on your plans for today.” The grin never left his lips as he whipped around to press them to yours, his body moulding against yours easily.

The next day came quicker than you were expecting, Jack picking out your outfit as you picked his. That was something you both just found easier; there was no one else you would ever let pick your outfit, Jack just… knew you. He knew your style, knew what you did and didn’t like, knew what would fly and what wouldn’t. Small things like that with him were easy, everything was easy when it came to him.

“Well, don’t you look sexy. Damn, I’m so good at picking your fits. Should I quit hockey, maybe get into fashion? You could be my main model, baby.” Laughing as he wrapped you up in his arms with a smile, his happiness infectious.

Shaking your head against his chest, you peaked up at him from between his arms. “I don’t think you should quit your day job, maybe get some pointers before you start making drastic decisions like that. Can’t use you as my future trophy husband if you’re going to up and quit the job that makes you that.”

Pinching your side gently, Jack just smiled as he pulled away and interlocked his fingers with his.

It didn’t take you long to get to the marina in the car he had rented, everyone greeting the both of you politely as they directed you towards the boat Jack had rented for the day. You almost stopped in your tracks when you observed the setup on the boat; a picnic basket set up, non-alcoholic champagne on ice, fairy lights adorning the inside edges of the boat.

“Damn, I didn’t read the fine print when I booked. Just said I wanted the closest setup to an anniversary they could get, guess they went all out,” popping his hip into yours gently with a beam.

“Jack, do you even have your boating license?”

Eyeing the steering wheel with a curious look, you turned towards your boyfriend just in time to see him roll his eyes and glare at you playfully. “No, this place just let a random guy with no boating license rent a boat. Obviously, I have my boating license.”

Rolling your eyes back, you tapped his side as you made your way to the small seat next to the drivers. It only took a few moments to get out from the dock, far enough away that you and Jack could have some privacy without being too far and worrying how you were going to get back.

“Do you remember the first day we met? Other than when I accidentally exploded my yogurt tube all over you? You told me that boys were icky, and all they did was ruin everything,” nodding your head with a loud laugh, you let your mind wander to your first few years with Jack.

“Crazy how things have changed, huh? I remember going home that night and telling my mom I needed to get those stupid yogurt tubes so I could hit them against the desk and do what you did to me, she said no real quick.”

Smiling softly towards you, you could see the love in his eyes the way he looked at you, the softness that crossed his features every time you were on his mind or in his sight. It had been the same look he had given you since you both were fifteen, Jack never having eyes for anyone except you.

Standing up and holding his hand out, you took it and allowed him to pull you from your seat and towards the picnic basket and bottle of champagne.

“It always makes me laugh; I told my mom back when I first moved from Sauga to Michigan that I wasn’t sure how I was going to live without you. She said you’d always be there, even if you weren’t physically there. Pretty sure that was when I realized you were more than just a friend to me, then I moved and wasn’t sure what’d happen. Never really thought we’d get here, honestly.”

Sighing as he sat down, Jack gestured for you to sit in his lap, both of your legs extended out in front of you as he ruffled through the picnic basket beside him.

“I say it a lot, but I’m so glad you sprayed that yogurt all over me. It sucked, but I don’t think we’d be where we are without it,” nodding his head gently as he rested his cheek on the top of your head.

“You know, you’ve been my best friend for ten years, why not just change it to husband and wife?”

Swivelling around to look at him, you almost cried when you saw the little black box in his hand, his eyes glistening at he looked at you. Moving so he was directly on one knee and not sitting, your hands instantly pressed to your mouth.

“I’ve had this thing sitting around since my first season. So, I guess what I’m trying to say here is… I’ve been so grateful for your friendship and your unconditional love these last ten years, so how about we make it forever? Will you marry me?”

You couldn’t contain your body flying towards him, the aggressive nod of your head the only answer he needed.

note: so sorry that this is so late, but i hope you enjoy!! thank you so much for requesting. and yes i did steal mitch marner's proposal idea for this thank u very much simply bc i have reason to believe jack would too

[absolutepokemontrash]

MC’s half Demon, and they look AWFULLY familiar...

‘Kay guys, I got a different kind of stupid Headcanon to throw at you. Get ready!

Part 2 Lessons 1-5 Part 2.5 Group Retreat Lessons 10-12 Lessons 13-15 Part 3 Part 4

*ahem* picture if you will, it’s the day the exchange program is set to start. The student council (nix Mr. Kill All Humans, Weeb-supreme, and our Scummy Sweetheart) have assembled to welcome the new human student. All is going according to schedule, the portal opens up at eight am sharp, they hear the pitiful screams of the selected human who was not given a heads up about the whole thing, and the poor little human falls straight onto the marble floor.

There’s something a tad... off about this human don’t you think? After they’ve peeled their sorry ass off the floor they observed the assembled student council with an air of sophistication and self importance that no one expected. Their posture was perfect, their eyes sharp and calculating... they bared a striking resemblance to-

“Lucifer,” Diavolo looked to his right hand man, then back to the human. “The human kind of looks like you!”

And out popped four pitch black wings from the human’s back and two small horns out of the sides of their head, one horn was a bit bigger than the other. They even still had some of their down feathers! How cute!

((Content warning: Swearing (I have a potty mouth, forgive me), but that’s it.))

Luci-dad

So, the MC is Lucifer’s kid! Of course Mr. Prideypants immediately tries to recall exactly what little romp in the human world uh... spawned this half-human half-demon child of his. Good thing MC’s got the other parent on speed-dial.

“Please note, MC,” Lucifer pinched the bridge of his nose upon hearing Asmo take even more pictures of his newly discovered hellspawn. “I was not aware of your existence, if I was I’d-”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m not upset.”

Lucifer blinked a few times in surprise. “P...pardon? You aren’t upset?”

“No, my parent told me that my father was a high ranking demon, and they bare no ill will against you. Though, I am looking forward to this whole... exchange program thing.”

Oh wow, that was easier than Lucifer thought. Damn. Well, he was a father... (let’s be real, he’s been parenting his brothers for thousands of years, and a good chunk of you sinners call him daddy)

MC is probably the most protected student at RAD, despite the fact that they have no visible security detail whatsoever. They didn’t want to be seen as... weak and pathetic.

Something about this human just... set the lesser demons on edge. Any talk of eating them was stamped out on the first day when they walked by. It’s like Lucifer himself was staring at them, daring the demons to try and bother the human. MC’s powerful presence kept them protected and feared.

...at least until dear uncle Asmo decided to do their hair one morning. All those ribbons may have looked adorable but they kind of ruined the intimidation factor.

MC loved to mess with the other students, keeping their lineage a secret for the first little while just made it so much funnier when the other demons tried to scramble out of MC’s way without looking like they were running from the ‘weak little human exchange student’.

Oh wow, what a sadist. Like father like child

Flying lessons are a must. Poor MC isn’t terribly good at controlling their wings, and their horns are still growing in so when they pop into their demon form the first thing they get is a sore skull. Ow... it sucks that Lucifer isn’t outwardly very sympathetic.

“Ow!” MC crashed face first into the grass in the backyard of the House of Lamentation. “Father! My wings are cramping! Can’t we practice this tomorrow?”

The sight of seeing his dear child crash face first into the ground had lost its hilarity after the first three times. Lucifer slowly lowered himself to the ground and crossed his arms as he stood over his incredibly grass-stained kid.

“MC, we’ve been ‘practicing this tomorrow’ for the past month. If you want to learn to fly you’re going to have to actually manage to stay in the air for more than three minutes.”

MC shot Lucifer a withering glare that only preteens were capable of, Lucifer matched it with his own much more sophisticated glare.

“You’ve been flying for over a thousand years! Don’t you have any tips that can actually help other than ‘don’t panic, you’ll look ridiculous’?”

Lucifer dragged a gloved hand down his face and looked around, the two were alone as far as he could see.

“MC,” Lucifer began. “When I was a young angel, I needed to learn how to fly with someone else.”

MC perked up. “Who?”

“Michael. The smug bastard picked up flying quicker than I did.”

“What’d you do?!”

Lucifer smiled at his child’s intense investment. “I practiced flying every day for five extra hours until I could do everything that Michael could do, just better.”

MC’s starry eyed interest died almost instantly upon hearing about the extra five hours of practice. “Humph, I bet I could outfly younger you and Michael with only two hours of practice a day.”

“Really now?”

“Yes! Watch!” MC shook off their wings and took off in a running start before shakily making it into the air. Their form was decent enough, and they weren’t shaking as much as the previous attempts. “SEE?!”

“Yes MC,” Lucifer smiled. “I can see.”

You know what else Lucifer could see? MC crashing right into a tree.

“Ouch...”

Okay... maybe they could halt practice a little early and order a treat from Madame Scream’s. A little sugar to refuel is needed when the end goal is crushing a mutual rival beneath their heels. Just some good old fashioned father/child bonding time!

MC has a smaller seat right next to Lucifer’s seat in the Assembly Hall. I will not compromise on this one.

For all your fluff needs, I give you: Lucifer teaching MC how to play the piano. He has a proud little smile on his face when his kid finally starts getting it. That’s all. Enjoy the image.

That one Uncle who gives you Alcohol at Family Gatherings (Mammon)

Yeah, when Mammon burst in late to the party and whining about everyone’s spamming him with texts to haul his scummy ass to the Assembly Hall, the last thing he expected was to see a mini-Lucifer.

“What the fuck am I lookin’ at?!”

The glare the two Lucifers gave the poor Avatar of Greed was enough to make him want to turn tail (uh, wing) and book it down the hall.

“Mammon, this is MC. They’re my child.”

“Hello.”

“...whaaaa..?” Mammon looked between the two, same glare, same intimidating aura, same annoyingly good posture.

Mammon scratched the back of his neck and looked over at his older brother. “Do I uh... still gotta babysit em’ if they’re not human?”

“The lake of Cocytus will melt the day I let you babysit without supervision.” Lucifer grumbled.

“I don’t need a babysitter!”

Despite Lucifer’s initial denial, Mammon and MC ended up spending a lot of time hanging out when Lucifer was busy with paperwork. Of course Mammon’s first thought was ‘how do I profit off this situation?’

MC is now Mammon’s designated babysitter after they caught him picking up their feathers that had fallen off with the intention of painting them white and claiming they were Lucifer’s from back in the Celestial Realm.

Mammon does end up spoiling MC a little. Just a smidge. They’re the kid of his totally not his favourite brother after all! How could he not? Whether or not these gifts are obtained legally or are legal at all is subject to scrutiny.

“Mammon, I can’t drink this!” MC placed the bottle of Demonus back on the counter of the kitchen.

“Why not? That’s a bottle of the good stuff! We gotta celebrate you gettin’ an A on that test somehow!”

“I’m underage! Incredibly underage. I’m not legally allowed to drink.”

Mammon wordlessly plopped a silly straw into the bottle. “...does that help?”

“No.” MC then inclined their head to the bottle. “And I don’t want to get hung from the ceiling, that bottle was in my father’s study yesterday, I’m above theft.”

“How old are you s’posed to be anyway? Never mind... uh...” Mammon wracked his brain for something else he could do for MC that didn’t cost anything (don’t judge him, the poor bastard was flat broke!). “I could... teach you to drive!”

“Driving?”

“Yeah! Drivin’ is awesome! We can take my car!”

The bills for the damages done to the car and the Devildom were mailed to Lucifer the next day, and MC and Mammon got to keep each other company as they hung from the ceiling. Ah well! At least MC wasn’t upside down!

Mammon wasn’t that good of a flight teacher either, he also crashed into a tree (the same tree MC crashed into, actually) when he was cheering for MC. They were finally able to do a loopdy loop! He was proud and distracted! Okay?! Lucifer! Stop smirkin’ at him! It’s not that funny!

At least the vantage point from the tree was decent and the branches didn’t scratch him up too badly. Oh hey... that person walking by was wearing a very nice watch... he’d be right back-

That Uncle That is Always Absent From Family Gatherings and When He is Present He Leaves Early (Levi)

He missed everything. That is not an exaggeration. He was in the middle of an online raid battle and couldn’t look at his phone! No Lucifer he can’t pause an online game! That’s not how it works!

Okay, the human exchange student is half demon? WOAH! THAT’S JUST LIKE THAT ONE ANIME- W A I T. THE LITTLE NORMIE IS LUCIFER’S KID?!

Okie doke, he was fully convinced that MC just had to be an anime protagonist.

They binged every series that Levi compared them to. Sure MC might have missed a few assignments because of late night anime binges, but they were too good for this school crap anyway, right?

Nope. Lucifer put a ban on the two watching anime until both their grades improved. Surviving that hell brought the two together.

“Ugh!”

The sound of a pencil case being haphazardly thrown across the room made Levi peek out of his bed-tub. If his figurines got knocked over so HELP HIM-

“This is stupid!!I shouldn’t have to catch up with this!” MC crossed their arms and gave their Demonology textbook their best disapproving glare.

Lucifer Lite (tm) was having a hell of a time trying to claw through their missed work, and Levi sympathized, he really did, it’s just... he was playing Animal Crossing-

Levi paused the game to placate his anime-buddy when their wings popped out and he feared for his rare merch’s safety.

“H-hey, MC? Do you need help?” Levi’s offer was met with a bone chilling glare that lived rent free in his nightmares ever since. He had pulled a Mammon and forgotten he was talking to Lucifer’s child. Lucifer’s allergy to help must have passed down to MC.

“No! I don’t! It’s just... dumb!” MC hissed, she turned and looked over at the fish tank. “Right Henry 2.0?”

Henry 2.0 did not respond.

“MC, you need to finish your homework or we can’t watch anything together,” Levi sighed, he had finished his work over an hour earlier. He had mastered the art of all night anime binges and managing to do most of his work in the fifteen minutes between the time he woke up and the time school was supposed to begin. “We haven’t even binged all of volume 4 of TSL yet!”

“Mmm...” MC grumbled. “Fine...”

MC picked up their pencil case and began continued their work. Levi breathed a sigh of relief and went back to Animal Crossing.

The tiny normie did in fact finish their work, only after they caved and asked Levi for help. Swore him to secrecy, they did... very intimidating, they were.

Just saying, he most definitely sent that one Keanu Reeves meme with big Keanu and little Keanu but with Lucifer and MC to the wrong group chat. Poor bastard.

Flying lessons? No. Levi hadn’t flown since his time in the Celestial Realm, he had no advice to give other than: “Flap your wings!”

“THAT’S WHAT I’M DOING YOU-”

MC didn’t get to finish that thought, they lost their balance and fell right into RAD’s fountain. Ah well, Levi had a head start on running for his life that he squandered by laughing at MC. RIP.

The Uncle/brother/whatever the fuck that Starts a Fight With Your Dad at the Family Reunion. (Satan)

Oh... another Lucifer? Eugh. Gross.

Satan gave the kid a wide berth when they first met. Everything the kid said or did ticked him off. “Tsk. Look at MC. Making an omelette. So annoying.” “Oh wow, MC vacuumed? Roll out the red carpet, we need to celebrate their existence!” “Look at them. Breathing. Disgusting.”

MC’s pride wouldn’t ever let them admit it but... they knew Satan didn’t like them, and it hurt their feelings.

“Shhhh,” Satan whispered into his backpack.

“Meow.” The backpack replied.

“I said shhhhh.”

The backpack did not reply after that, which was a good thing considering the little princet of the HOL was nearby.

“Satan?” They asked. “Who are you talking to?”

Satan coldly brushed past them as he made his way to his room. “No one you need to concern yourself with.”

When the little calico kitten was safe in his room, Satan quickly realized a mistake in his foolproof ‘sneak a cat into the house’ plan. He didn’t have any toys for the kitten, and he didn’t want his books getting scratched...

It was alright, he’d just rush out to the a store that sold cat things and rush back! Five minute trip tops!

Well when Satan got back the cat was no longer in the room. Oh dear. He discreetly tore apart the house looking for the poor little thing until he ended up finding it in the library, happily chasing around a loose feather being held up by MC.

“Oh, hello Satan.” MC chirped as the kitten batted it’s adorable little paws at the feather.

“My... my door was closed. Did you let the cat out?”

MC shrugged. “I heard meowing.”

Satan ran a hand through his hair and grumbled. Stupid smaller Lucifer. Stupid original Lucifer. Everyone sucked.

“Let me guess, you’re going to run to Lucifer and tell him all about the meowing and the rule breaking.”

MC shook their head and glared at Satan. “Of course not. I’ve already gotten way too attached to this little guy anyway. We’re co-parenting this kitten like mature adults.”

With some coaxing, Satan did sit down and play with the kitten, maybe MC wasn’t... so terrible.

The two watch Unsolved Mysteries together, that’s their show. “This guy did it.” “Satan, we’re two minutes into the episode-” “Trust me.”

Thirty minutes later.

“He did it.” “See MC, what’d I tell you?”

Lucifer did find out about the cat, but with enough pleading, MC and Satan managed to warm up the cold spot in Lucifer’s chest where his heart should have been. The cat’s name is Detective Toe Beans (or just Bean).

Satan can’t fly, he has a tail, but he did read up on wing anatomy and how flight actually works in demons, his advice would be good in theory, but it’s full of so much technical jargon that MC can’t understand it.

At least MC didn’t crash into something, they barrel rolled through one of the HOL’s windows. Good thing it was the window to their room. The broken arm still hurt like hell.

The Best Dressed Bitch Who Brings The Booze to The Reunion. (Asmo)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Lucifer’s kid was SO CUTE! A thousand pictures commemorating that adorable moment needed to be taken! Wait- Lucifer- GIVE BACK THE PHONE-

Asmo, surprise surprise, absolutely adores little MC! So cute! So small! He was just so excited to announce to all his Devilgram followers that Lucifer was finally a certified DILF.

That post disappeared five minutes after it was made but the damage had already been done.

Asmo made sure MC looked their best at all times, if they needed help talking to anyone? Asmo’s got their back!

Sure, maybe he’s a little pushy, but pushy’s a good thing sometimes, right?

“Asmodeus-”

“No, these shoes wouldn’t fit you...”

“Asmo-”

“No, not these ones either...”

“ASMODEUS.”

Asmo squeaked and jumped upwards, Geez Louise... little MC’s voice could sure be scary when they wanted it to be...

“I don’t need any fancy new shoes.” MC huffed, sitting up straighter in one of the chairs in Asmo’s room. “I thought this was supposed to be a sleepover.”

“Hmmm...” Asmo pouted. “Makeovers are an essential part of sleepovers... what’d you do with your human friends up in the human world that could possibly be better than a make-over?!”

MC began to list things off. “Ordered junk food, talked about people we hated, watched movies,”

“Greasy food is so bad for your skin...” Asmo cringed and shook his head violently. “But I’m totally down to watch a movie and bitch about people I hate!”

“Ah yes, human sleepovers, a tradition I never quite had the chance to enjoy.” Solomon said from Asmo’s bed. “Who are we bitching about?”

“Remind me what Solomon is doing here.” MC muttered as they sat down in front of Asmo’s TV.

“Because, I wanted to hang out with my two favourite humans.” Asmo cooed, reaching over and trying to pinch MC’s cheek, which they awkwardly dodged.

“Can we watch The Exorcist?” Solomon asked, propping his head up with his hands.

“Ew, no.” Asmo made a face at him. “That scene with the vomit? Hell NO.”

“Mm.” MC mumbled. Asmo turned to look at them.

“MC? Are you doing okay? You don’t look like you’re having any fun...”

“I’m fine.” MC grumbled.

Asmo pursed his lips, as much as it made his little narcissistic heart break, he nudged MC. “Why don’t you pick the movie, sweetie. I’m sure Solomon and I will like anything you pick!”

MC noticeably brightened. “Let’s watch Scream!”

The strangled noise that came from Asmo was... concerning, but to his credit, The Avatar of Lust held his tongue about his distaste for the movie, and the three slumber-party goers had quite the lovely time.

After the movie ended, MC went back to their room, sure it was a sleepover but their bed was right down the hall.

Good for Asmo and Solomon. Horny fuckers. We stan.

Asmo just claps and tries to cheer MC on when it comes to their flying lessons. (The idea that Asmo came up with to wear his cheerleader costume from the previous Halloween was immediately shot down by Lucifer)

“You’re doing wonderful, MC- WATCH OUT FOR THE POWER LINE!”

MC didn’t hit the power line, but Asmo’s scream of terror caused them to fall butt-first into a dumpster. Their injured tailbone served as a tragic memory of the incident.

Oh well, good thing Asmo had nice smelling soap to give that could mask dumpster-stink.

The Uncle that eats everything and tells you to eat your veggies while you angrily pick at your broccoli at the kid’s table. (Beel)

Lucifer... has a kid?! Beel choked on the cheetos he had snuck into the Assembly Hall when the kid’s wings popped out.

Oh wow, that’s nice :) maybe they can eat together. Belphie would probably like them.

Wait what is the gender neutral term for Niece or Nephew?

...Nibling? Uh... let’s not say that around Beel. We don’t need him to get hungrier and begin associating MC with nibbling on things.

The Underground Tomb incident probably went a little differently, but after all that nonsense, the two are closer than two peas in a pod!

Mmm... peas...

“Beel?” MC stepped into the Avatar of Gluttony’s room.

“Hi MC.” Beel was doing push-ups in the middle of the room, on the ground right beneath his head was a massive bowl of spaghetti that he bit into every time he completed a push-up. “Can you come stand on my back? I need the extra weight.”

“On your back?” MC padded closer. “Are you sure? It’s not going to hurt?”

“No, it’ll be okay.” Beel assured them. “Belphie and I did this all the time. Except Belphie is normally asleep.”

MC tentatively stepped onto Beel’s back. It was a balancing act to say the least, they eventually gave up on standing and ended up sitting cross legged between Beel’s shoulder blades.

“You did this with Belphegor?” MC asked.

“Yeah,” Beel sighed. “He was always too tired to exercise, but he’d let me bench press him sometimes...”

MC frowned and hugged their knees to their chest. Knowing full well that Beel’s twin wasn’t in the human world like Lucifer said was absolutely ripping them apart from the inside. Guilt felt just as rotten as their pride did when they were being belittled...

“Maybe you’ll see him again sometime soon.” MC whispered. “Maybe my father’ll come to his senses and let him come back down to the Devildom.”

Beel paused his push-ups for a brief moment, then nodded and went back to his eating exercising combo. “I hope so. He’ll like you, MC. I’m sure of it.”

MC nodded. “I... hope so.”

Beel’s a pretty decent flight teacher, but his wings are just so different from MC’s that it renders any tips he had next to useless.

“MC, maybe your wings aren’t flapping fast enough.”

“Beel, I appreciate the thought, but I’m not a hummingbird. Or a fly. I don’t need to flap my wings a million times a minute to stay afloat.”

Ah well, MC tried to take some of Beel’s advice, but their lower right wing cramped up and they ended up flying in circles until Beel was able to catch them. Ah well, better than the dumpster incident the previous week.

The Uncle That Passes Out in The Basement and You’re Not Allowed to Wake Him Up Even Though All Your Toys and Video Games Are Down There. He Also Picks a Fight With Your Dad’s New S/O Before He Passes Out. (Belphie)

Sitting in the attic was quite a drag, and this supposedly weak little human was quite the annoyance to try and call out to. It took a lot longer than expected, but when he heard little footsteps coming towards his prison, Belphegor nearly jumped with joy.

Oh... it... looked like Lucifer. Smelled like Lucifer. Stood like Lucifer. Quacked like Lucifer. Or... trilled..? Whatever sound a peacock made, this brat sounded an awful lot like Lucifer.

A... half-demon. Hmph. Belphie honestly thought Lucifer had actual standards. Not anymore, he guessed.

(Man I could fill a whole-ass fic with the Belphie betrayal thing, but for now let’s skip to post attic nonsense)

Okay so maybe MC wasn’t disgusting. They made a good nap buddy. It was cute when their wings came out when they were sleeping sometimes. Well... it was cute when they didn’t hit him in the face and make him wake up with his mouth full of feathers.

What Beel said had been true, Belphie made a good substitute when weights weren’t available, but Beel didn’t want MC to feel left out, so Belphie and MC ended up sitting on his back while he did push ups. MC once got bored and started playing Go Fish with Belphie on Beel’s back while he exercised.

Yes. MC is still a member of the Formerly-Anti-Lucifer League.

“Are you sure he’s not going to be too mad at us?” MC asked for the dozenth time that day. Detective Toe Beans was wrapped around their neck like a scarf (he had gotten so big!!!) while MC nervously sat in one of the Library chairs.

“Positive.” Belphie said with a toothy grin. “Besides, he’s like putty when it comes to you. Just give him your best puppy eyes and we’re not guilty on all charges.”

Putty..? Really..? Lucifer..? How strict was he before MC got there... they wondered.

“Sh! He’s coming!” Satan stuck his nose into a random book, it was the Oxford English Dictionary... and it was upside down.

Belphie pretended to pass out and MC decided that the best course of action was to stare deeply into their cat’s eyes. Yeah... that looked casual and not weird.

“Satan, MC, Belphie.” Lucifer nodded to the three of them as he walked towards the entrance to his study.

“Lucifer.”

“Afternoon, father.”

Belphie let out a cartoonishly loud fake snore that nearly caused both MC and Satan to break cover and start laughing.

Side note, Bean had adorable widdle eyes! That cute little face was just to die for-

“You three..!”

Belphie, Satan, and MC peeked their heads into Lucifer’s study, their handiwork was perfect. Everything was covered in red post it notes. Perfectly not harmful, but SO inconvenient!

“You’re all cleaning this up or so help me-”

“GO!” Belphie and Satan each grabbed one of MC’s arms (Satan also grabbed Bean) and sprinted out of the House of Lamentation. Maybe they’d move back there in twenty years... they hoped that Solomon and The Angels would let them crash at Purgatory Hall...

Belphie had used up his physical energy supply for the next four years. He passed out the moment they stepped into sanctuary. Time for a nap...

Flight practice? Ha. Belphie’s napping. Though, he was suspiciously awake and filming whenever MC did something stupid.

“Try not to suck so bad.”

“GO TO HELL BELPHIE!”

“I’m already there. Hell is every second I’m stuck here watching you fail.”

“YOU’RE GOING TO GET IT FOR THAT!”

Well... MC mastered the dive bomb that day. Lucifer bought them a cake.

Bonus! Your Dad’s New Husband! That Has Managed to Somehow Make Everyone Hate Him Despite the Fact That He’s A Cinnamon Roll. (Diavolo)

A mini Lucifer? A mini Lucifer!

Diavolo dotes on MC like he’d dote on his own kid. MC wants a crown? They’re getting a crown! A damn nice one too! MC wants a title? Here! MC is now... idk Ruler of the area between Majolish and Hell’s Kitchen.

Poor Uncle Mammon’s got some financial insecurity, he’s still the cool uncle... right?!

He is very much that ‘how do you do fellow kids?’ Meme.

He tries to do stereotypical ‘dad’ things but he’s not very good at them. Once he tried to host a barbecue...

Barbatos saved the day, but Mammon’s hair was still singed, Solomon’s cooking still gave Beel food poisoning (SOLOMON EATS TOXIC WASTE I SWEAR-), Luke still got hit in the face with a frisbee, and Simeon got an unhealthy dose of DAD NERVES and got so stressed everyone was almost blinded by the holy light he suddenly started blasting. We do not mention the water guns.

(Seriously whose bright idea was it to give Belphie and Satan water guns while they were in Lucifer’s presence?)

Praise Barbie. He’s too good for them.

“Um...” MC awkwardly held up the baseball, trying to look at it from all angles like it was a completely alien object. “Lord Diavolo... are you sure you want to play catch?”

Diavolo clapped his hands and bounced on the balls of his feet. “Yes! It’s a thing human fathers do with their children, correct? We must make up for lost time between you and Lucifer, right?”

Lucifer massaged his temples and nodded. “If you two would like to play catch...” Lucifer grimaced. “I will too.”

“Okay! MC, throw the ball to Lucifer!” Diavolo instructed.

Lucifer half heartedly held up his baseball glove as MC tossed him the ball. He caught it, and looked over at Diavolo, who was applauding like he just witnessed the greatest feat in sports history.

“Okay! Throw it to me!” Diavolo waved his glove in the air, Lucifer rolled his eyes and smiled. He threw the ball at Diavolo with... a lot of force. Enough force to probably dent steel... Diavolo caught it like it was nothing.

MC suddenly feared for their safety.

“Okay MC, catch!”

Diavolo threw the ball with enough force to break the god damn sound barrier. Well, maybe that was an exaggeration, but the ball sailed way over MC’s head and crashed right through a window.

“Oh my...” Diavolo put a hand on his hip and surveyed the damage to the window. “This isn’t so bad, I believe in human world TV shows this happens quite often. Look! The glass broke in a perfect circle!”

“Yay... property damage...” MC murmured.

Lucifer sighed and pulled out his DDD. “I’ll phone someone to replace the win-”

“Lucifer no! Now according to human world customs we must,” Diavolo took a deep breath, rushed forward, grabbed both Lucifer and MC’s hands and started sprinting away from the Demon Lord’s Castle. “RUN FOR IT!”

“Di- Diavolo!” Lucifer gasped.

“Who are we running from?! That’s your castle!” MC squeaked.

“I don’t know! Just run! That’s what the human TV show says to do!”

Weirdly enough, Diavolo was the best flight instructor. MC’s ability to fly increased tenfold after Diavolo found out that MC was learning to fly.

“You’re doing amazing MC! That was a perfect turn!”

“Thanks Lord Diavolo, I’m surprised I haven’t crashed into anyone or fallen yet!”

“Well, I highly doubt you’ll be crashing into anyone anymore, your flying is practically perfect now!”

Mammon proceeded to fly past them holding what looked like Lucifer’s wallet.

“M-mammon?!”

“Oh... I wonder what he’s doing. Look, MC! It’s Lucifer! Hello Lucifer dea-”

Lucifer ended up colliding with the two of them and sending them all crashing to the floor.

That was the last time MC fell during flying practice.

(We currently have a Go Fund Me set up for Mammon to get the funds necessary to flee the Devildom after that incident. Please donate to save- oh shit hi Lucifer-)

[george-mackay-macfine]

Let's Play a game - CH.3

Chapter three of let's play a game, as usual pick your own Jude. I know I have!

Tag list: @neocil @cjand10

If you want to join the LPAG tag list, let me know.

If Jude Hastings thinks he can show up at my family brunch and act like he wasn’t committing an act of war, he sure had another thing coming.

I was going to be the best’ girlfriend’ this man had ever seen. I was going to be such a convincing girlfriend that his parents would be begging him to propose to me by the time I break his heart. I was going to be that girl that all his friends, colleagues and all his family compare his next girlfriend to.

I was going to be the girl who destroyed Jude Hastings for other women.

“Hi.” I smiled at the female officer who sat at the front desk. She looked borderline depressed with her piles of paperwork around her. “I’m here to see Jude Hastings.”

“Name.” She drawled out.

“Darcy Edwards.” I plastered the fakest smile on my face as she picked up her desk phone.

“What is your reasoning to see Officer Hastings?”

“I’m his girlfriend,” I held up the picnic basket by my side as the woman eyes widened. “And I brought him dinner.” I put the basket on the bench and riffled through finding the container of cupcakes I’d baked - Oh yeah, I’d also baked dessert - “Cupcake?” I offered the now open container of sugary sweets to the woman who looked at them like they’d offended her entire family. “There is chocolate and vanilla.” She didn’t speak, just kept looking at me.

“Hastings… There’s a woman here to see you.” She looked me up and down. “Claims she’s your girlfriend.”

“Darcy.” I prompted right as she put the phone down.

“He’ll be out in a few minutes if you sit down.” She mumbled before looking back down at her open file.

I guess that’s a no to the cupcake, then.

I pulled the container back, shoving the lid back on and storing it back inside the basket before walking over to the waiting chairs. I put the basket on one and began to fiddle with my dress.

A long summer maxi dress with sandals was the best accompaniment to this whole dinner scheme of mine. Not only was it workplace appropriate, but it gave off this virginesque vibe which would only help me win over his colleagues.

Hastings would have no clue what was hitting him.

“Darcy?” I turned at the familiar voice. Standing holding the door open was Jason Sato. Hastings partner and one of the many people I’d gone to high school with who didn’t seem to want to leave this damn town. “I didn’t actually believe him when he told me you were here to see him.” He began to laugh.

“What do you mean?” I picked the basket up and walked towards him. “Is Jude coming?” I held the basket up slightly. “I made him dinner.”

“Is it poisoned?”

“What?” I faked as gasp - poisoning it would have been too obvious. “Why would it be poisoned.”

“Because the last time you made food for him, you put laxatives in it.” Oh yeah.

“That was high school, Jason.” I gave a giggle. Sweet and innocent. “Besides, I wouldn’t want to poison my boyfriend; he’s too cute for that.”

“It was only two years ago,”

“Was it?” I tapped the side of my head gently. “Bad memory.”

“So you and Jude finally put it all behind you, huh.”

“Sure did.” I smiled as Jude appeared behind him. “Hi Bunny.” I beamed at him. Relishing in the way, his smile dropped at the use of his new nickname.

“Bunny?” Jason tried to hold in a laugh as I nodded idiotically. “Wow.”

“What you got in there?” Hastings pointed to the basket.

“I made your favourite.” I lifted the basket some more. “Egg salad sandwiches and cupcakes.”

“Egg sandwiches are your favourite food?” Jason raised an eyebrow at Hastings. Absolutely not. He hated egg salad sandwiches.

“Picnic food it is.” Hastings amended.

“Did you want to join us for dinner?” I stepped towards Hastings, who wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me back against him. “I made plenty for everyone.” Jason looked between Hastings and me. “You don’t mind, do you, Bunny?” I looked up at Hastings with a wide smile, the smile only becoming broader as I heard Jason let out a snort of laughter.

“Of course not,” Hastings grimaced, leaning down kissing my cheek.

“I am only saying yes because I want to see more of this.” Hastings grabbed my hand and led me through the police officers towards their break room. I made sure to smile and wave at everyone who looked at us, cementing myself as the polite and sweet girlfriend I was.

“How has your day been?” I asked Hastings as I began to grab all the items out of the picnic table, laying them out in front of the two seated men. “Catch any bad guys today?”

“Not yet.” Hastings grabbed a can of root beer I put down in front of him. “How has your day been, babe?”

“Babe?” I pushed my bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout. “You never call me babe.”

“What does he call you then?” Jason asked mid-bite.

“He usually calls me wifey.”

“You what?” Jason spun to look at Hastings while I struggled to keep the shit-eating grin off my face.

“What can I say? When I see something, I want I go for it.” He picked up one of the sandwiches. When he sat back down correctly, he looked at me again, maintaining eye contact as he began to smile. “But, baby. If you’re happy to let people know I intend to make you my wife, then I’m happy to call you that in public. I just thought you didn’t want people to know.”

A challenge.

“Of course Bunny.” I walked around the table and sat down in his lap. “You know I want nothing more than to win this big heart in here.” I tapped his chest. “If you want everyone to know you intend to marry me, then I’m okay with it if you tell them.” Do it, Darcy. Win this one. “It’d make me happy, actually.” I kissed his lips, fighting off the bile that rose with the action.

“Sato.” A voice bellowed from beyond the break room, giving me a reason to break the bile raising kiss. “Call for you at your desk, line three.” Jason stood up slowly, looking at us as if we were some mutation.

“Right, coming.” He called back to the voice. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” I smiled, watching Jason walk out, the door shutting behind him.

“Is this your feeble attempt at a surprise attack,” Hastings whispered in my ear, his chin resting on my shoulder.

“You mean like yours from this morning?”

“I didn’t think we were playing dirty, Edwards.”

“We weren’t, then you crashed family Sunday brunch.”

“You needed your wallet,”

“Then you shouldn’t have lifted it from my purse.” I turned to look at him. “You started this. I’m finishing it.”

“Oh no, this is just the beginning… Wifey.” A twisted smirk covered his lips. “You know that comment I made about no more pranks.”

“Of course,” I remembered everything he said that morning.

“I take that part back.” He nodded towards my outfit. “After this little prank, I think everything is fair game.”

“Prank?” I shook my head. “This is no prank. I wanted to make my big strong man some dinner.” I poked his cheek as I spoke.

“You know I hate eggs.”

“No, I knew eggs give you insane gas,”

“Tamato, tomato.”

“Whoopsies.”

“I’m not eating them.” He looked at the sandwich.

“What’d I miss.” Jason sauntered back in.

“Nothing.” I turned back to him. “Jude was just going to try the sandwiches and tell me what he thought.” I spun around to face Hastings. “Isn’t that right, Bunny.”

“Darcy…”

“It took me a long time to make it all, the sandwiches and the cupcakes.”

“It’s lovely of you, Darcy.”

“Thank you, Julian. If only my boyfriend felt the same way.”

“Try one, man. They’re good.” Julian slid a sandwich over to him. Julian and I both watched as Hastings disgruntledly unwrapped the foil that wrapped the sandwich. Taking half of it, he brought it to his lips.

“Take a big bite! Make sure you get all the flavours.” I clapped my hands together. Honestly, I have never wanted anything more than for this sandwich to react badly with Hastings’s gut. The idea of people thinking he shit himself is nearly funnier than it would be if he actually shit himself.

“Of course.” He muttered, bringing the sandwich to his mouth. To my surprise, he took a massive bite out of it, more than I’d expected him t take. As he chewed, Jason and I watched on. “Wow,” He reached for the root beer, taking a long gulp. “Nice.”

“Try a cupcake now.” I grabbed one of the cupcakes and scooped the icing off with my finger. I was bringing it to my lips before Hastings redirected my finger to his lips. I felt his tongue work around my fingertip, sucking off all the sugary sweet vanilla icing.

“Okay, you two might just be enough to gross me out.” Jason broke us from our moment.

“That was my icing.” I sighed, pulling my finger back. I subtly wiped it on Hastings shirt, thankful that Jason couldn’t see.

“Delicious.” He laughed. “You should try one.” He looked over at Jason.

“Give me your finger, Darcy.” He winked at me.

“Sorry mate, But you’ll need to find your own girl.” His hands wrapped tighter around my waist.

“I should get going.” I unwrapped Hastings arms from around my waist. “I’ve got class tomorrow.”

“I finish in an hour. Why don’t you go to my place.”

“I don’t have clothes, Bunny.” I loved seeing a part of his soul die when I used that nickname, thank you, google.

“Well, go home, and I’ll swing by and get you on the way home.”

“He wants to romance you, Darcy, by the sounds of it.” Jason cackled, unwrapping a cupcake.

“Is that true?”

“Of course it is.” His hand ran down my back, stopping at the swell of my hip. “Romance is my middle name.”

“Now I’m sure your mother told me your middle name was Fredrick.”

“Oft.” Julian hissed. “That’s a sexy name right there.”

“Isn’t it just,” I giggled, throwing my hair over my shoulder. I knew by the look on Hastings’s face he wished I were dead right now, and I knew he could tell by the look on my face that I was loving this more than anything.

Payback is a bitch.

“I better go.” I picked up my purse and walked to the door. “Can you bring those back to me whenever?”

“I’ll bring them by tonight when I come to get you.” Jude stood and walked behind me. “I’ll be back.” He called over his shoulder. “Let’s go.” He swatted my ass, causing me to flinch forward. “Didn’t mind it the other night.” He winked.

“You bloody bastard.” I muttered under my breath as he scooted past me. “I’ll kill you.” I growled as he grabbed my hand, pulling me through the station. “When you get home, I thought we could take a bath together.” I began to rattle. “And maybe I can give you another facial, and we can watch the notebook.” I thundered as we passed by a group of highly masculine-looking officers. “Like we did last week, you seemed to like it. I’ll even use the pink face cream.”

“Jesus.” Hastings hissed, shaking his head. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

“You don’t have to.” I passed him pushing open the same door I’d entered only minutes ago.

“I’m walking you to your car,” He confirmed, holding the door open so I could move through the threshold. “C’mon.” His hand grabbed mine, pulling me along behind him. We passed by the silent woman on the front desk and out into the warming summer air. “You are -“

“Incredible?”

“No.”

“Amazing… Phenomenal… Astounding… bewildering… bewitching…”

“Insane… mad… cretinous.”

“Oh a big boy word.” We’d reached my car by now, but Hastings still wasn’t letting go of my hand. “Can I have my hand back now?”

“I don’t know.” He leant back against the car, pulling me into his chest. “I rather like the way it feels in mine.” His other wrapped around my waist, holding my body tightly to his.

“I think we need to clear some things up.” I tried to pull my hand back from him. “This whole facade thing doesn’t have to happen all the time… only when we’re around people.”

“No, sweetheart.” He nuzzled his nose into the underside of my jaw, breathing deep. “I’m going to make you fall madly in love with me.”

“Whose says I’m gonna let you?”

“Whose says your gonna stop me?” His lips crawled up my jaw before moving across the skin of my cheek towards my lips. He flipped us over, so I was trapped up against the car “Darcy,” When did his voice become so husky, and why is it sending a shiver up my spin. “Whose going to stop me?” Why did the idea of his lips on mine seem so appealing? Why did I feel like I was starving? And without the feeling of his lips against mine, I was going to die. “I don’t think you’re going to stop me, Darcy.”

He was right. I wasn’t going to stop him.

Without a second thought, I pulled his head, so our lips met. His hand let go of mine and ran up, grabbing onto my face, keeping me locked to him. My tongue traced his bottom lip. I wanted more. His lips left mine again, kissing all over the skin on my face.

“Baby.” I grabbed onto his face this time and reattached our lips. My hands wandered the expanse of his body, feeling all the muscles I was reluctant to remind myself about. “Darcy, we need to stop.” I shook my head against his lips, my own going to his neck. His hands left my body completely resting against the car on either side of my head as I kissed his neck. “Believe me, I don’t want to stop this either, but if we don’t - We’re going to end up naked on the street, and I don’t think that’s appropriate for an officer of the law.”

Dammit, he was right.

“Your right.” I pulled away from him, my chest heaving. “I should save shows like that for when people are around.” He let out a chuckle.

“What games do you have planned in that twisted head of yours.” His fingertips tapped my temple gently.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” I pushed his body away from mine, moving so I could open my drivers’ door.

“Well, was your show in there, was that how it was supposed to happen?”

“Let’s just say, it’s not exactly how I planned it - I expected more people wanting cupcakes, I mean they’re cupcakes c’mon - but it’s turning out better than I thought.” I stopped as I was about to step into the car. “You’re going to fall in love with me, Jude Hastings, and then I’m going to break your heart into a million little bits.” Disturbingly he smiled. Not the reaction you really wanted from a man when you tell him you’re not only going to break his heart but also shatter it into a million parts.

“I’m sure you will, Darcy.” He stepped back away from the door. “But I suppose the real question is, will I break yours first.”

“Don’t count on it.” I slipped into the car.

“I’ll see you soon.” He called out as I turned on the ignition. I rolled my window down and stuck my head out.

“You won’t see me if I don’t answer the door.”

“You will.” He winked before turning and walking back down the path we’d walked together moments ago.

As I took off, my mind was consumed by one thing.

Jude Hastings.

Thoughts of him clouded my senses as I drove, and the feeling of his hands on my hips as he pulled me closer to him left chills on my legs.

He was good, but I was going to be better.

[thefrostedfeather52]

incorrect bapo quotes (part 5)

i'm probably annoying people at this point but i'm bored and anyway here's another generator: https://perchance.org/incorrect-quote-generator

incorrect quotes generators! infinite fun, for me everyone!

Matt: What do you call disobeying the law? The Squad: A hobby. Matt: *crosses their arms* The Squad: That we do not engage in.

Peter: I’ve never smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there was no pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.

Lucas: *about Jason and Ivy* They make a cute couple, huh? Peter: They certainly are standing next to each other.

Peter: Where is Diane? Ivy: I'll do you one better, who is Diane?? Tanya: Here's a better question, why is Diane?

Ivy: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container. Lucas: The cow?? Ivy: What? Peter: Lucas, W H Y?

Lucas: Is Jason always like this when he loses? Matt: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 2015. Jason: You bumped that table and you know it!

Lucas, texting Jason: *sends a voice message* Jason, texting back: I’m a little busy, is it urgent? Lucas: No, don’t worry, just listen later. *later* Jason: *presses play* Lucas's voice message: THERE’S A FIRE-

Lucas: The results are in, I’m afraid you have updog… Diane: What’s updog? Lucas: Nadia! Get in here, I told you I could do it!

Nadia: *slams books down in front of Tanya* Nadia: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It’s gonna be a long night. Tanya: You could've said literally anything else. Nadia: Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble. Tanya: I’m going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won’t win. I realize this now.

Tanya: That's not funny. Lucas: I thought it was funny. Tanya: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.

Ivy: Hi. Diane: Hey, did you do what I said? Did you tell him? Ivy: I did. Diane: And what did he say? Ivy: “Thank you.” Diane: You’re totally welcome. What’d he say? Ivy: He said, “Thank you.” I said “I love you” and Jason said “Thank you.”

Matt: You know, Tanya, when you generalize, you tell general... lies. Tanya: ... Tanya: Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns.

Lucas: Guys, I didn’t memorize my lines! Tanya: Just use your lack of common sense! Everyone knows the characters in plays are dumb as fuck! *During the play* Matt: Hey! You finally made it! Did you get the donuts? Lucas: W-what’re donuts?

Lucas: When I was a kid, Tanya told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year. Nadia: They are! Lucas: FOR REAL? Nadia: No! Why did you fall for it again?

Sister Chantelle: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture. The Squad: Awwww- Sister Chantelle: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything." The Squad: Oh.

Peter: There's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand. Lucas: I photosynthesize with this.

Matt: *speaking Spanish* Lucas: I know, I know. Diane: You speak Spanish? Lucas: No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language Matt speaks.

Nadia, tearing up the room: Where are they? Nadia, looking under a pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children? Nadia: Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing.

Lucas: Do you cook? Jason: I made a cake once. Peter: Yeah, it was good. Jason: Really? Peter: Don’t make me lie twice, Jason.

Peter: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier. Peter: Violently practices. Ivy: Violently studies. Jason: Violently sleeps. Tanya: Violently shoots pictures. Matt: Violently boxes. Lucas: Violently murders people. Jason: Violently worries about the previous statement.

[sunflowerandco]

Entranced

One-Shot

A/N: Hi!!! taking a break, but I queued this one shot I wrote a couple weeks ago. I hope you like it!

Rating: T

Summary:  Courtney's beliefs on hypnotism are challenged when she gets hypnotized into pursuing her growing feelings for the rebellious delinquent of their friend group. [Requested]

          Geoff approached their table with their respective drinks in his hands. He handed them out in the order he called them out in.

         "Okay, Long Island iced tea for Bridge, rum and Coke for DJ, red wine for Courtney and two Blue Moons for me and Duncan for whenever he shows up." DJ raised the question. "Where is he anyway? The hypnotist is coming on stage soon."

         "He had an emergency client at the shop. Something about a failed brake? Anyway, he'll be here soon."

         "You can't tell me you guys actually believe this stuff." Bridgette shook off Courtney's doubt.

         "We do! Too bad your boyfriend isn't here to agree with you." Courtney crossed her arms at Bridgette's comment.

         "Duncan is not my boyfriend!"

         "I didn't say a name." Courtney couldn't say anything and decided not to dig the hole she was in even deeper.

         The show started, and the hypnotist, David, brought out a few people from backstage fifteen minutes into the show. He performed a few acts; the first being David making a woman afraid of the word 'balloon'. The second person was brought into a trance and left craving their least favorite food at the sound of a snap. Courtney remained unimpressed and assumed all his tricks were the product of good acting and practice. She rolled her eyes at the last act and the pure theatricality of the last woman clucking like a chicken across the stage as laughter filled the bar. After she ran off backstage, David called to the audience for their participation.

         "So, anyone wanna take a stab at it? Any doubters?" There weren't many people eager to try public humiliation until Bridgette yelled out while grabbing Courtney’s shoulders from behind.

         "She does!" Courtney turned to face her.

         "What?! No!" If there was one thing Courtney hated, it would be having no control of how the public perceived of her. Still, Bridgette persisted and had the assistance of DJ and Geoff now.

         "Come on, Courtney! I thought you didn't believe in it!"

         "I don't, but-" Courtney tried to make her case, but was cut off by the audience's cheering. David reached his hand out to help her get to the stage. Bridgette swore she heard a death threat from Courtney before she gave in and made her way up. There was a chair ready for her facing the audience to which David gestured for her to sit.

         "Now, remember this can only be done at your most relaxed state." She looked up him; her lack of belief resting on her face. He continued. "So, take a deep breath, doe eyes."

         She used those same eyes to roll them at him before taking a deep breath. He held a pendulum in front of her face and the chain with one finger. "All you need to do is follow the motions of this pendulum. Only focus on this object..." Courtney's eyes moved back in forth, mirroring the object before her. The faces she once saw clearly in the audience faded before her as she slipped into a deeper state of relaxation. Before she knew it, the only voice she could hear was David's. She followed every step he had told her.

         "Now, close your eyes. and repeat after me."

         Every time he spoke, she echoed his words.

         "I was wrong."

         "I was wrong."

         "David was right."

         "David was right."

         The crowd filled with laughter as he continued to prove her wrong, and Bridgette was only glad Courtney wouldn't remember this.

         "I will never doubt the power of hypnosis again."

         "I will never doubt the power of hypnosis again."

         David moved on to seal her fate and tried to keep her focus. "Now, can you still hear me?"

         Courtney sat still. David continued. "I want you to think of the person that attracts you the most. The person that makes your heart race at first glance."

         Courtney's mind faltered but still followed instruction.

         "From now on, at the sound of a bell, you will have the urge to kiss that person when you're in the same room. This urge will dissipate after you kiss that person, and the sound of bells won't affect you any longer."

         David continued to give her instruction. "At the snap of my fingers, you will return to us in a relaxed state, and no memory of this conversation."

         David snapped his fingers quickly and Courtney opened her eyes slowly. She felt like she had just woken up from a cat nap. She stretched her arms out before remembering she was on stage. She jumped from the seat and David only gestured to the stairs leading to the bottom of the stage.

         She walked back to their table still confused as ever as her friends suppressed their snickers. Bridgette playfully questioned her, but Courtney didn't answer out of pride. "So, do you believe in it now?"

         In a matter of perfect timing, Duncan rushed to their table from the door and sat down in the empty seat next to Courtney's. He greeted them as he sat down. "Hey guys. Princess. What'd I miss?"

         They looked at each other with all-knowing expressions in an unspoken decision that it would be funnier if he didn’t know what happened. Geoff, the loudest of the three, tried to suppress his laughter as he handed him the bottle, he ordered for him. Duncan furrowed his brow, grabbed it, and used his keys to pop the top off. He looked to Courtney for an answer. "What's wrong with them?"

         Courtney wasn't ready to admit David's line of work was potentially legitimate and that she was the lab rat in the test of faith. She assumed that's why they were laughing, anyway. So, she just shrugged her shoulders while trying not to make eye contact with him. Their conversation ceased when David called for the next participant and Duncan turned his attention to the stage.

         The rest of the night went on with Bridgette, Geoff and DJ making hints only they'd understand, and for the night Courtney and Duncan's joint confusion left them on a team of their own. Duncan didn't mind the excuse for them to share glances every now and then without her pushing him away.

                                                        ***

         Courtney stared up at the elevator dial as she waited for it to reach the lobby. After a long day at the firm, all she wanted was a night in her bathtub and bed. She heard someone enter the building from the blaring sound of the buzzer to let guests in. The person entering found the audacity to stand right next to her, shoulder to shoulder. She was annoyed at first but caught a whiff of his cologne and recognized the scent. Before she turned her head toward him, she heard his voice, and it echoed throughout the empty lobby.

         "Hey, Princess. Long day?"

         "Yes, Neanderthal. And I wish you'd stop calling me that. " Duncan smirked at the opportunity to ignite the flame inside of her. He loved seeing her nose scrunch at his words knowing there was no real annoyance behind the guise of her expressions. He thought it was cute and it the most common reaction to get out of her.

         "But it's just so fitting, babe."

         "It is not! What are you doing here anyway?"

         "Geoff and I are hanging out tonight. You're not the only tenant here." Courtney's attention shifted to the elevator dial when she heard it reached the lobby, and the bell ringed. Courtney's eyes widened and her mind felt lighter as if all her thought prior to this moment disappeared. She remembered where she was when Duncan gestured for her to go into the elevator with his hand.

         "You first, Princess."

         Courtney looked up at him and the first thing she noticed was his lips moving. They were forming words, but she was more focused on the shape as the sound drowned out. Were they always that pink? Her confusion increased when she felt her heart thump loudly in her chest and she quickly looked toward the elevator doors. She walked inside while he followed behind her. He pressed the tenth floor for her and the eleventh for him, the doors closed, and the elevator ascended to their floors. He whipped his head in her direction when she yelled out.

         The rush of her thoughts only compelled her to do one thing, and it felt increasingly difficult to push it away with him around, and the face she resisted to look at to stop her from feeling anything she couldn't control. Still the words echoed in her head one after the other.

         Kiss him! He's right there, and we're finally alone!

         She held her face with her hands and screamed.

        "No!"

        Duncan got closer to her, and that only made it worse for her. He held a genuinely concerned expression on his face.

        "What's wrong with you? Are you scared of the elevator?" She didn't want to explain nor could she, so she went along with his assumption. She nodded in fear of opening her mouth to hear an uncontrolled thought escape from it. She groaned loudly as she tried to subdue her mind's determination for action. Duncan instinctively held her as he tried to keep her from lowering onto the floor, and her arms wrapped around his upper body. Courtney couldn't resist the need to face him as his grip tightened; her composure slowly coming back to her caused her to stand a little straighter, but her breath couldn't catch up with her when her studying eyes shifted from his lips to his eyes. They still sought after hers to reassure her.

        "It's okay, Courtney. Nothing's gonna happen to you." His words slowly softened the intensity of her thoughts. She remembered feeling safer, and what she wanted didn't sound so bad after all.

        Duncan's voice trailed off, and she appeared to relax for a little before he realized how close their faces were. He savored in the fact that he was able to admire every feature without the barrier of their usual deal. He took in just how rounded and big her eyes were and every freckle on her nose. He allowed himself to focus on her lips and their fullness. They were painted in crimson and were... parting? He knew he wasn't just seeing things when he noticed them slowly inching closer to his. As much as he wanted this, he couldn't determine if this was something she really wanted. Everything was all happening way too fast.

        The bell went off again to signal they had reached Courtney's floor, all her need diminished, and her original thoughts piled on her like a ton of sand. She tried to remember getting into the elevator and into Duncan's arms. She enjoyed the feeling of being wrapped in him for a split second before realization hit. She pushed against his chest to separate them; a look of disbelief portrayed on her face as she pretended her heart didn't skip a few beats in between.

        "What are you doing?!"

        "What am I doing?! You were the one freaking out! I was just trying to calm you down because you wouldn't stop yelling!" Courtney held no regard for what he said as embarrassment took over her body. She readjusted the bag on her shoulder while she looked down to avoid eye contact with him again.

        "I don't need you protecting me!" He couldn't say anything else because she stormed off to her apartment letting the doors close on their conversation. Duncan felt frustrated at first, hell, even angry, and confused all in one. He was only given a mere amount of time to process the fact that she was actually leaning in to kiss him. He was wrapped up in frustration like a ribbon, but then it hit him.

        Courtney wanted to kiss me. That is, before she pushed me away for no reason. The thought chimed in his head repeatedly and he smiled to himself when the question that plagued his mind finally had an answer.

                                                        ***

        The moment in the elevator couldn't leave Duncan's mind. What he assumed was a confirmation of her reciprocating feelings made him feel compelled to talk to her about it and get their feelings in order. He buzzed her apartment and made his way upstairs. The tiniest of nerves got to him on the way up. She didn't have to pursue anything, but he still needed clarity from her.

        Courtney was brought back into a trance and took on the same mindset she had in the elevator. She knew she had to answer the door and in her tranced state she hoped it was the person her mind was hellbent on seeing. The trance stunted her speed by keeping her focus on the feeling her had in the elevator, but she quickly snapped out of the haze when the doorbell rang once more. She proceeded like normal to the door to unlock it to see Duncan standing in her doorway. She was confused but seeing him even in an uninfluenced state made her heart race as his arm hovered over the doorframe. She secured her robe as she greeted him and tried to keep an unfazed tone. "Duncan, what are you doing here? Are you here to apologize?" She still had a brief memory of them in the elevator. She wasn't entirely angry with him, but he indeed caught her off guard that day.

        "I wanted to talk to you. Mind if I come in?" Courtney widened the door to let him inside and led Duncan to the living room. Her heart had no plan of soothing to its normal pace as Duncan sat down next to her on the couch. He placed his elbows on his knees and looked toward her before speaking.

        "We need to talk about what happened in the elevator the other day. I don't know what happened to you at the end, but you tried to kiss me." Courtney wouldn't believe him or anything that made her face her feelings.

        "I did not try to kiss you! You were simply holding onto me and I pushed you away. Anyway, you need to go. I'm expecting Bridgette over any minute now."

        Duncan felt anything but encouraged by their exchange of words. He shook his head in frustration at her disbelief. "Fine. If you wanna keep living with selective memory, then by all means-" He was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. Courtney turned to him in vehement intent as if a switch had been flipped in her head. The thoughts that raced through her mind previously in this trance came back to her. This time they grew stronger, and she didn't feel compelled to fight against them anymore. They sounded like that of a schoolgirl crush. Duncan's voiced faded slowly into the background.

        "Are you not gonna answer the door?"

        Kiss him! His lips are right in front of your face and he's right here on your couch!

        Drunk on her pervading thoughts, she slowly inched next to him; seeking her hazy ambitions. This time, Duncan was even more perplexed at the situation and he couldn't understand the sequence of events Courtney brought to their circumstance. Before the madness, he understood their relationship to an extent, and all of it managed to derail in a matter of two days out of utter confusion. She got closer to him, holding her hand to his face. "Courtney, do you not remember what you just said, like, two seconds ago?"

        Bridgette rang the doorbell again, and Courtney immediately slipped out of the trance once again.

        “See? I knew you wanted to kiss me.”.

        “What the hell are you talking about?”

        Duncan stood up from the couch; his brain was tired of the mental gymnastics at this point. “Okay, now you’re making me feel like I’m crazy-“

        “If the shoe fits, wear it.” Courtney opened the door to find Bridgette outside. She was ready with questions after hearing them yelling from the other side of the door.

        "What's going on in here? What are you guys yelling about this time?" Courtney led her to her living room and gestured to Duncan before she explained her side of the story.

        "This Neanderthal thinks I want to kiss him! He keeps up coming up with these stories that didn't even happen."

        Duncan offered his side this time. "They DID happen. And every time I try to tell her, she acts like she doesn't remember!"

        Bridgette sighed and looked at the both of them. Bridgette answered Duncan, not eager to explain to them without creating this awkward moment of realization for Courtney. "Because she can't remember them."

        Courtney looked at her incredulously and crossed her arms. "What are you talking about? You believe him?"

        Bridgette continued and tried to keep her tone calm as Courtney's intensified. "The hypnotist gave you the urge to kiss Duncan at the sound of a bell."

        Duncan and Courtney let out a simultaneous “What?!”

        Courtney surprised tone didn't match Duncan's humored one. She fumed at the thought of her friends causing all this humiliation she couldn't even remember for the past three days. “Why would you guys make me want to kiss Duncan?!”

        “The hypnotist told you to think of the person you’re most attracted to, so we didn’t choose him. You did.”

        Courtney eyes shifted to the side while her ears burned cherry-red at the fact. She looked down so she couldn't face either one of them.

        "Oh." She didn't argue back, letting Bridgette finish her explanation.

        “Yes. And it’ll only end once you actually kiss him.”

        Duncan added on to the conversation with growing frustration. “Which she has been trying to do until you came in!”

        She turned to face him, her face still bright red as ever. “Shut up!”

        “Okay, then. I’ll leave. It's not like you didn't want to do it before he hypnotized you.” Bridgette made her way toward the door and Courtney yelled out for her.

        "Wait! Can you ring the bell so I can get rid this stupid trance?" Bridgette nodded and closed the door behind her.

        "So, ready to admit you have the hots for me?"

        "Even if I did, why would it matter? At the end of the day, you wouldn't last long enough dating me."

        "Would it kill you to have a little faith in anything?" He turned to face her. "I'll be the first to admit it: I like you, Courtney.  I like you enough to come back here. I-I like you enough to " Bridgette rang the doorbell, and Duncan called out behind the closed door. "We're not ready!"

        Bridgette yelled back. "Sorry! Can't hear you."

        All the build up from the last two trances returned to the forefront of Courtney's mind. She looked up to see him in front of her, and her eyes fixated on his lips again. In one gesture, Courtney grabbed his face and placed her lips on top of his rather forcefully in quick motion. She felt herself being brought back to reality and out of the trance she was put under by David, but when she pulled apart from him the craving never died down. She was fully aware of exactly what she wanted. Courtney looked into Duncan's eyes for a second and noticed the seriousness of his expression. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him again with the same force. His eyes shut instantly at the collision, and his arms pulled her in closer to him. Her lips began to overlap his in her desperate need to taste him, and Duncan smiled into the kiss while running a hand through her hair. Courtney sighed while they continued, and he swore he heard a moan escape of out her mouth. They were finally able to give into the thoughts of each other that persisted often in the night. He was as spellbinding as she imagined at this, and she gasped when he ran his tongue on her upper lip. She gave him the access he needed, and the feeling shot to her core.

        It was everything he could've wanted to happen between them. He wished for more opportunities like this one as he pulled her in closer to the point where their bodies were pressed against each other. As much as he wanted this to go on, her words still played over in his head. He broke them apart; their breaths trying hard to catch up with them. He looked at her as he posed the question; his arms still held her around her waist. "What about what you said earlier?" Courtney shook her head to dismiss his doubt. She was too enthralled by him to keep up the façade she maintained around their group of friends.

        "Forget what I said. I was just too scared to admit that I like... you?" Duncan smiled at her revelation and playfully poked fun at their predicament, still satisfied with the outcome.

        "So much you had to be hypnotized to do it?" Courtney shut him up again when she attached her lips back to his in an intoxicating pace, and her hands made their way through his dark hair. The weight on her shoulders completely lifted at the confession; she felt happy to feel weightless in Duncan's hold. They held little regard for Bridgette's questions from the other side as their pace escaladed slowly.

        "Do you guys really still need me to stand here?"

        "Guys! Hello?!"

[nikkoliferous]

Phase One: Thor

Since I was looking up my past live-blog of the novel and realising how annoying and repetitive reading through it all is because of my having structured it as a bunch of reblogs, I’ve decided to organize it all into one long-ass post instead. In case anyone else wants to read it in the future. Or in case I decide to re-read it. Because I’m hilarious. 😅

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO

My Hilarious Yet Wrathful Overview Of Phase One: Thor, Redux

—

If your son who’s to become king requires a babysitter to not screw it all up and also the idea of him being king is stressful enough to put you into a coma, maybe, uh… reconsider doing that? Just a thought.

But you see here why Odin was so deadset on Thor becoming king, despite him being ill-suited for the role. It’s not about what’s best for Asgard; it’s about personal legacy. Thor is Odin’s mini me, and Loki is very much not. There are places within the text where Odin laments Thor “lacking his father’s wisdom” (he’s definitely inherited your humility, though, Odin!), but he hopes for Thor to grow into a “wise king” like himself. Whereas he holds no such illusions (lol, pun) that Loki will ever take after him.

now with tag commentary! #this scene is in the script and both novelizations #(though in reading this novel seems to just be a more complete version of the junior novel? #idk i'm confused because they're supposedly written by different authors but so far the text is identical) #and it drives me insane each time i read it

“Haha, I’m a warmongering piece of shit, isn’t it funny?”

I know, I know. I try to cut Asgard some slack for being such a militaristic culture because social changes happen slowly and when you live for thousands of years per generation, it makes sense that your views on things like war would be regressive. The text says Odin has ruled Asgard for tens of thousands of years (so much for taking Loki’s “give or take 5,000 years” line literally; sure, the Odinsleep would have extended Odin’s lifespan, but by that much? Idk).

Still, fuck Odin. Especially since he’ll eventually try to shame Loki for doing the same thing he’s fucking boasting about here. And on a much smaller scale too.

…is it, though?

I actually think Loki’s relationship with being the centre of attention is really interesting in its complexity and we don’t discuss it enough. I’ve said this before, but he strikes me as the sort of person who craves attention but also wouldn’t really know what to do with it if he had it. He craves it as a result of neglect, because he’s never been shown recognition or validation. This is why he seems to revel in it in Stuttgart, even in (or maybe especially in?) his brainwashed state. But he also frequently comes across as pretty introverted and has horrible self-esteem, so I think on another level, sustained, genuine attention would make him feel kind of uncomfortable. Loki seems to believe that in order to be loved or respected, he has to literally be Thor, though. And Thor has always been the centre of attention, so for Loki, attention is synonymous with respect.

I find Loki’s relationship with wanting attention especially fascinating because I too both crave and fear it. As a borderline, I need it. When no one is paying attention to me, I lose my sense of identity. I feel as though I literally cease to exist. It’s excruciatingly painful. And yet, I have no authentic sense of self; I’m just a chameleon, and the closer people get to me, the more likely it is they’ll see behind my mask. They’ll realise it’s all a show and that I’m actually no one. And then they’ll leave. I can’t help wondering if that’s how Loki feels sometimes too.

Wait, what? You mean goat. His horns are shaped like a goat’s. This is a ram: 

This is a goat:

This is Loki:

Do you see now? They’re like a goat. Not a ram. Not a cow. A GOAT.

This book was written before Ragnarok was a thing, so it may be unfair to connect the two, but it still seems worth noting that it was Thor who reduced Loki to being no more than a trickster to begin with. “You could be more,” my ass. Loki’s problem has never been that he was one-dimensional; it was always that the people in his life, including Thor, refused to see any other dimensions to him. Which makes those words particularly cruel—as if they aren’t cruel enough already, what with the physical torture and all. 

Always happy to have cause to point out that

Loki was on Thor clean-up duty their whole lives; he certainly was not trying to kill Thor.

People like to point to Loki’s attempted genocide of the Jötnar and attempted(-ish? lol) conquest of Earth as proof that he’s some kind of violent maniac. But in a little place I like to call reality, Loki was historically far less aggressive and bloodthirsty than his peers.

Question: why is one conqueror evil and the other is righteously entitled to ruling over the Nine Realms?

Asgardian exceptionalism FTW

I can’t even begin to imagine what would lead you to expect such a thing, Odin. 😂

Uh, ‘cause it is?? And also their planet is MELTING without it??

This is all only within the first two chapters, btw. Lmao

—

—

—

“Looking for answers,” my foot.

YOU WOULD THINK SO, WOULDN’T YOU??

#i mean unless you knew heimdall #he only commits treason on days that end in y

—

—

What’d I say? Thor clean-up dutyyyyy 

Just wanna remind everyone that this 

is why he’s smiling during this scene 

because it makes me laugh every time. 😂 

—

My heart breaks every time I remember that second excerpt because literally ALL OF IT happened to him when he survived falling through the wormhole. My poor boy. 😭

But also of note… Loki gets cold (and also does not like being cold). This interests me because 1) as many are aware, the prevalent headcanon that Loki has a low body temperature irritates me and 2) it possibly(?) lends weight to the theory that he may not be fully Jötun, whether by virtue of his birth or Odin’s spell.

Haha, look at this Feminist Icon™ trying to take credit for his female friend’s accomplishments! Truly inspiring. 

#for some reason the ragnarok lovers have somehow decided that thor is both a feminist and lesbian icon #whatever that means 🤷‍♀️ #and i'm still trying very hard to figure out why #is it literally just because he *says* he respects women or whatever in that dumb rambly conversation with valkyrie?

Ooh… you were so close to getting the point, Volstagg. So close. Take your tongue off Odin’s boot for just a couple minutes longer.

Also, the author just forgot the name of the Casket. How did this book get published? 😂

JUST LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, HUH?

Because fuck Loki, amirite? He, uh… he’s a prince too, you know.

Also… Fandral, you dweeb 😂

…am I reading too much into this, or did Odin just literally forget that Loki exists?

On the other hand, the author also seemed to forget Loki existed for most of this chapter, so who knows. 🤷‍♀️

lmao @ Jane immediately trying to convince herself she’s too rational to be attracted to a stranger 

Honestly, though, big mood. 

Just your periodic reminder that Thor’s sycophantic friends KNEW Loki was right and decided to throw him under the bus anyway. 

Just as I’ve always said: That was it. That was their ENTIRE rationale. That Loki *could* have done it, therefore he must have. Please tell me these people have nothing to do with Asgard’s justice system.

…lol, jk, Asgard has no justice system.

Ok, first of all, no.

Second: thank you, Fandral. You’re a self-absorbed cad, but also evidently Thor’s least stupid friend.

Thirdly, how…? First, it was, “Loki arranged all this because he’s jealous of Thor.” Now they’ve suddenly jumped all the way to, “All of Asgard is in danger.” What exactly does Sif think Loki is planning? He’s gonna, what… assassinate Odin and then sell Asgard to the Jötnar?

—

Please stop hurting me.

Just so there’s no confusion: this one sentence explains everything Loki did for the rest of the movie. It explains how a person who has been historically non-aggressive suddenly transforms into a warmonger. To prove himself a real Asgardian, like his brother and father and grandfather. 

—

…why did Odin fall into the Odinsleep in two completely different scenes in this book? I’m super confused.

Also, we really need to talk about how cruel it is of Marvel to keep forcing Loki to prove his loyalty again and again and again when he’s been doing so almost literally since we met him. And by “we need to talk about it”, I mean I need to tie Kevin Feige and co. to a chair and spend a minimum of five hours lecturing them on how poorly they understand their own fucking character.

Let’s just be clear here: they’re talking about Loki. They’re saying Loki, their LEGITIMATE king, is an enemy of Asgard, based on evidence so paper-thin it’s practically invisible. Just… please, let that sink in. Take a moment to appreciate how utterly fucked up that is. 

I’m sorry (not really), but Thor was so much funnier before Ragnarok.

This scene has always kind of bugged me. If Odin removed Thor’s powers, how come he can still control the weather? Confusing.

So what exactly was Thor’s plan anyway, before he realised he couldn’t lift Mjölnir? He was just gonna call on Heimdall to help him commit treason AGAIN, show up on Asgard against the expressed command of his king, and… Odin would just shrug and be like, “You got me, son! I guess I can’t keep you down. Welcome home!”?

…I mean, I guess that more or less is what happened in the end, but it’s hard to imagine it would have still gone down that way without all the stuff that happened with Loki. Idk.  

#look what i'm saying is... thor is not exactly a thinking person #no one on asgard is a thinking person #except loki but he's crazy now so he's also thinking somewhat poorly lol

Cool, Thor. Now imagine feeling that way for ONE THOUSAND YEARS and develop a little fucking empathy for your brother.

But you won’t.

You’ll brush off his feelings of worthlessness as “imagined slights”. 😒

Nice that somebody knows how the royal line of succession works, I guess… 

That sound you hear? Yeah, that’s just my heart breaking. NBD. 

First, they mislabelled it the Casket of Eternal Winters. Now it’s the Cask of Ancient Winters. Author must have been thirsty when they wrote this. Lol 

Look, not to nitpick, but this is not the recommended procedure when you see a storm that you don’t believe is of supernatural origin coming. I’m just saying. Lol 

Uh… ‘cause he is?? And your pals are committing treason AGAIN, Thor, so it technically is responding to a threat to Asgard. Just FYI.

Anyways, this is an important point that doesn’t get made often enough. People want to act like Loki illegally usurped the throne somehow, but even without the deleted scene that explicitly shows Frigga passing rulership to him (a scene which is, for some reason, entirely skipped over in this book, but whatever), understand this: Loki could not have controlled the Destroyer unless he was legitimately King of Asgard. The fact that he’s able to do so is irrefutable proof that his rulership is valid.

lmao you little shit

So… here’s my issue with this scene (and with Thor as a character): He always assumes that Loki’s acting out specifically to hurt him. That Loki’s entire life and thought process revolves around Thor. He does it in this scene, he does it in The Avengers… it’s just a chronic thing with Thor. Everything is viewed through the lens of Loki inexplicably hating him.

But that’s… just not accurate. Yes, Loki harbours a lot of jealousy towards Thor. But that’s not what’s happening in this scene. Loki is not trying to kill Thor here because he wants him dead; he’s doing it because Thor (and his friends) are getting in the way of Loki completing his ultimate goal. Loki tried to solve this problem non-violently, by lying about Odin being dead. It’s Thor’s friends who all but forced his hand by going behind his back and trying to bring Thor back to Asgard against Loki’s (and Odin’s!) direct orders.

For all the humility he’s learned in the past few days, this entire speech is still really all about Thor. About assuming that Loki’s doing this for personal reasons, because he holds a grudge against Thor for some unknown reason. This is implicit in his request to “take [my life] and end this.” It never even occurs to him that his friends are traitors to the Crown and Loki, as King of Asgard, is perhaps justified in pursuing them.

It also needs to be acknowledged that Thor’s apology here is hollow, even if it’s ultimately coming from his heart, because he has no idea what he’s apologising for. “Whatever I have done to wrong you” is not an apology. An apology addresses specific hurtful actions taken and commits to not repeating those mistakes in the future. Thor cannot commit to not repeating the hurtful things he’s done, because he doesn’t know what he’s done. Despite his best intentions, what Thor is doing here is actually kind of manipulative. He’s not addressing any substantive issue between the two of them; he’s just trying to talk Loki down. And it ultimately fails not because Loki doesn’t care or because he wants Thor dead, but because it doesn’t actually change anything.

Finally and only semi-relatedly, we should maybe at some point talk about the fact that Loki, who is stated to be a master tactician, has displayed a weird pattern of hardly ever being as lethal as he could be. He freezes Heimdall in place instead of killing him outright; he backhands Thor with the Destroyer instead of incinerating him; he, well… *gestures vaguely at almost the entirety of the first Avengers movie* Anytime the violence is even a little bit personal, he seems to hedge. Odd behaviour for somebody who’s supposedly super evil.

I’m sorry, I know I’ve pointed it out at least a hundred times before, but I just can’t encounter this scene in any form without taking a moment to appreciate how underrated and hilarious it is.

I also genuinely wonder how many Ragnarok stans who have accused me of having no sense of humour, have failed to laugh at moments like this one. Kinda feel like if you need to have the comedy spoonfed to you in the form of ass jokes, maybe you’re the one whose sense of humour is lacking. 🤷‍♀️

Let’s be super clear: this is not what happened. Loki did not betray Odin; he was betrayed by Odin. He did not open Asgard to its enemies; he attempted, misguidedly, to destroy Asgard’s enemies. And he most certainly did not commit suicide out of a sense of guilt.

I’m not saying Loki did nothing wrong, nor am I saying he feels no regret for the lives he has taken. What I’m saying is there’s no indication that he believes he betrayed Odin or Asgard in the process. Which makes perfect sense, because he didn’t. Everything he tried to do was for Odin and Asgard. It was misguided and horrible, yes, but it can hardly be classified as a betrayal.

The insurmountable burden on Loki is not that he did terrible things, but that no matter what he does or how hard he tries, Odin will never look at him with anything but contempt. Consider once more these passages from the very beginning of the book, at Thor’s coronation:

—

Consider that this book goes to great pains to point out that Odin favours Thor because Thor is a warrior like him. And yet even when Loki embraces that, even when he acts more war-like than ever before, Odin rejects him— just as he always has.

There is a reason why this moment is the last time Loki will ever call Odin his father. Because he realises once and for all that, no, nothing he tries will ever be good enough; no, Odin won’t ever look at him with pride. That is Loki’s burden. That is why he lets go.

The epilogue is really just two pages of making me want to vomit. 

There’s your party where Thor and a certain subset of the fandom insist that Loki was mourned. There’s barely an indication here that anyone even perceives his demise as a negative thing.

“[Sif] could see Frigga thought [Loki was dead] as well” also contradicts the tie-in comic for TDW, so I don’t know what the author is on about there. Unlike the majority of Marvel comics, the tie-in comics are canon to the MCU, so it’s a bizarre statement to make.

COULD YOU SMEAR THE DEAD* ABUSE VICTIM A LITTLE HARDER, PLEASE? Fucking hell.

No matter how many times I encounter this scene, in whatever format, I still fail to become desensitized to how disgusting it is. I realise there’s a good chance that whatever version of events Thor has been told was twisted at best; but how you can look at a man whose son has just committed suicide under any circumstances and say there will never be a better father than that guy, is utterly beyond my capacity to understand.

And Odin’s “you’ve already made me proud” line just feels like extra salt in the wound because, again, Loki let go because he realized Odin would never say those words to him. And yet they come so damn easily when it’s Thor.

Fuck this entire family so much. I think I hate them more than Loki does. Sometimes I wonder what he would think about that. How he would react to knowing that not only is he actually loved, but that he’s so loved that people are genuinely furious at the way he’s been mistreated. That there are people who regularly devolve into full-on rants because they just can’t contain how much anger they have towards the people who hurt him. I think he’d have a hard time wrapping his head around that concept, tbh.

Anyways, to end on a not-completely-depressing note, I’m still waiting for someone at Marvel to explain how Loki knew what Thor said in this scene after plummeting into a wormhole. ‘Cause he references this conversation as Fauxdin at the end of TDW. So like… ?? Did he steal Odin’s memories before he erased them? Because that would be… kind of neat, actually. And very clever. Not entirely ethical, of course, but it’s Odin, so fuck ethics.

WELP, THAT’S IT. Thanks for following along with my dumbassery, hope you enjoyed yourselves. Lol

[kyber-crystal]

Divided We Fall

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Words: ~2.7k

Summary: In which she feels torn between the man she’s grown to love, whose ideas she agrees with, and her mentor and brother figure - who took her in with open arms and always accepted her when nobody else could.

Warnings: mentions of violence, angst, soft steve as always. you know the drill

A/N: tony’s your sort-of older brother (he took you in to train you not long before howard and maria passed), and you’re around steve’s age? I think? idk. includes a short IW scene but the time skip isn’t as drastic. SUPER SHITTY BC THIS IS A REALLY OLD ONESHOT

Tags: @pies-writes-and-more​ <3

Steve stood alone in the isle after Peggy’s funeral, leaning against the pew as he stared blankly down at the ground with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

You silently approached him and without introduction, he began to speak. "When I came out of the ice, I thought everyone I had known was gone. Then I found out that she was alive. I was just lucky to have her."

"She had you back, too."

Steve looked up, meeting your gaze. "Who else signed?"

"Tony, Rhodey, Vision, Nat."

"Clint?"

"Says he's retired," you smiled slightly.

"Wanda?"

"TBD. I'm off to Vienna for the signing of the Accords. There's plenty of room on the jet."

Steve sighed and bowed his head.

"Just because it's the path of least resistance," you continued, "doesn't mean it's the wrong path. Staying together is more important than how we stay together."

"What are we giving up to do it?" He shook his head, unconvinced by your words. "I'm sorry, Y/N. I can't sign it."

"I know. I don't want to, either. But it's not like I have any other choice."

"The thing is, you do."

"You know why I am." You gave him a hard stare. "Tony...he's basically the only family I have left. I'm no longer a daughter, no longer a girl with dreams...no longer with hope. I'm a weapon. As much as I don't agree with him, betraying him is the last thing I wanna do. He’s my mentor. I can’t just turn against him like that...it wouldn’t feel right."

"Y/N..."

"You know what I've done," you took in a deep breath, "I don't want to hurt any more people. I don't want to be controlled by a government that might not deem everything big enough of a threat for us to go out and do something about it, but I can't risk any more than I already have. I don't have any other choice but to sign those Accords, Steve."

"Then what are you doing here?"

"I didn't want you to be alone."

You stepped forward, carefully pulling him into an embrace and at first, he tensed up at your touch but eventually relaxed, letting his arms wrap around you to pull you closer. And he just held you there, one arm wrapped tightly around your waist, the other one held to the back of your head. Your head was buried in his chest and the warmth of him felt so familiar and safe; oddly comforting, that your chest began to ache because you knew in a matter of time you'd be ripped apart again.

Steve felt guilty. Despite the fact that he was the majority of the reason why all of this was happening, you still found it in your heart to look past it all and forgive him, to accept him for who he was. 

The broken woman standing before him was someone he'd grown to care about far more than he wanted himself to. Knowing that it wasn't long before you were taken away from him and forced to stand against him only made his grip around you tighten, as he was afraid to let you go out of his sight.

...

Seeing you across from him on the opposite side of the battlefield, standing firmly in between your Tony and T'Challa, broke his heart. If he was forced to fight Tony's team, he would. But he wasn't going to fight you, no matter what.

Everyone, while they were all busy fighting each other, could clearly tell something was going on between the two of you. But they didn't question it. They could clearly tell Steve loved you too much to even try and lay a finger on you and when someone else tried to, he quickly advanced on them.

You finally caved and turned last minute towards the end of the battle, unable to stand against the one man you cared about more than anyone else that wasn't family.

Everyone's actions followed with consequences. Though you'd switched sides abruptly, you'd been granted permission to stay with Tony at the compound under strict circumstances that you never stepped out of line again, or you'd be sent to the Raft prison along with the rest of Team Cap as well.

"Cap loves you, you know," Rhodey noticed your solemn expression as you, him, and Tony sat around in the lounge, taking in the aftermath.

You shook your head, squeezing your eyes shut as you pressed your fingers to your temples. "I made a mistake."

"We all make mistakes. People do bad things when they're trying to survive."

"Tony, I'm sorry," you turned over to the billionaire, "but I just...I couldn't stand against him. Not when we've stuck together for so long." The words that came out of Tony's mouth surprised you.

"I know. He couldn't do that, either."

"We've all done things that we'd like to take back," you murmured, staring down at your hands now in your lap, "Pain makes people change. I'd like to believe I didn't just do this, I didn't almost turn on you guys. You know I didn't want to sign. But I did, because you're like my family. I can't fight my own family." "He's made mistakes, yeah," Rhodey said, "but we've all messed up, you know. We’re only human.”

"My mistake was letting myself love someone I'd have to end up hurting eventually," you stated bitterly, a sharp edge to your voice.

"Cap made that same mistake, too," Tony spoke up. "We all screwed up. Some of us just have to find it in ourselves to forgive...but I don't know if I can do that yet."

"I know," you glanced over at him, "I miss them so much. Your parents...they changed my life for the better."

The billionaire took in a shaky breath. "I miss them too."

"You guys might wanna open this now," Rhodey handed you an envelope with your name on it, and Tony a package with a phone inside. "Tony Stank."

You snorted, and Tony cracked a small smile.

"Table for one, Tony Stank?" you joked.

"You're practically a Stank too, Y/L/N, you know that," he raised an eyebrow at you.

"Tony Stank just sounds funnier."

You quickly fell silent as you opened the letter.

Y/N, I'm glad you're back at the compound. I don't like the idea of you and Stark rattling around a mansion by yourself. We all need family. The Avengers are yours, maybe more so than mine. I've been on my own since I was 18. I never really fit in anywhere, even in the army. My faith's in people, I guess. Individuals. And I'm happy to say that, for the most part, they haven't let me down. Which is why I can't let them down either. Locks can be replaced, but maybe they shouldn't. I know I hurt you both. I guess I thought by not telling you about Howard and Maria that I was sparing you, but I can see now that I was really sparing myself, and I'm sorry. Hopefully one day you can understand. I wish we all agreed on the Accords, I really do. I know you're doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do. I know you didn't want to sign, but you were right in siding with your family. Even though you were on the opposite side of the battlefield, I couldn't fight you. I didn't want to hurt you. I still don't and I never will. No matter what happens. Just know that I ...

"Priority call from Secretary Ross," FRIDAY's voice drifted through the room, "There's been a breach at the Raft prison." "Yeah, put him through."

"Y/N, Tony, we have a problem, Cap and—" Ross called in.

"Ah, please hold," you interrupted.

"No, don't—"

You glanced back down at the letter in your hands, filled from top to bottom with Steve's elegant handwriting.

So, no matter what. I promise you, if you need us, if you need me, I'll be there. It's you, it always has been and it always will be, and I'm sorry for realizing that too late. I'm sorry for not being able to come back. I know I promised I'd always be by your side, and I will. Although I may not in the best situation to return right now, I promise you I'll see you soon. Take care, -S.R.

Several tears welled up in your eyes and slipped down your face as you closed the letter, staining the paper with dark spots.

"So, what'd he say," Tony took in your watery eyes and hard-set jaw. "Something wrong?"

"...He's on the run," your voice broke, "but they're all out. He broke them out.”

...

170 DAYS LATER

It was almost half a year of Team Cap jumping from motel to motel under different names and disguises every night, while still trying to defend the world as best as they possibly could. And when they were caught, Steve was sure that they'd be sent back.

"He'll come back soon, I'm sure of it," Rhodey reassured you as you watched the news of the search for Captain America was still underway. "When someone loves you the way he does, he's gonna find a way to return."

"He doesn't love me. I'm no better than a monster. And...I'm pretty sure he has heart eyes for Sharon."

"Well, he fucked up on that part," he agreed, clasping your shoulder, "but you know what? In the end, he still loves you. We all saw the way he looked at you back in Germany, he didn't want to hurt you. If he truly cared, he wouldn't hurt you even if you were on the opposing side, and that's what he did. I know he's gonna return: for your sake."

"I don't know why I'm letting myself do this."

"What? Loving him? That isn't anything new."

"New?"

"Sweetheart, I knew from the moment I first saw you look at him that you were. Look, love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. You gotta be vulnerable and let him in your heart. Otherwise you'll keep feeling like you're in pain."

He did return.

You'd gone to trial and defended him under your name two weeks prior. Much to your current oblivion, your persuasion had worked and he was granted release and allowed to return, though he did so under the same strict circumstances given to you as well. He was warned to not pull off something like this a second time, and promise to ask for the government's aid whenever necessary.

So you're not expecting to buzz him and the others in late one Friday night.

"Y/N."

"Nat?"

"Can you buzz us in?"

"Uh...yeah, sure," you nodded, opening the gates to let them through. Within minutes, they were standing right in front of you, looking the exact same as they did five months ago, though the exhaustion was clear in all their faces.

"Greetings, Y/N." The android's arm was slung around Sam's shoulders, who was helping to hold him upright.

"Vision."

"It's good to see you guys, Rhodey greeted.

"t's great to see you too," Wanda smiled. She seemed to have aged a bit since you'd last seen her though she was only a teenager, but still looked much younger than everyone nonetheless.

"Well, you guys really look like crap. Must've been a rough couple of months."

"Yeah, well, the hotels weren't exactly five-star," Sam shrugged. "Where's Clint?"

"After the whole Accords situation, him and Scott took a deal. It was too tough on their families, they're on house arrest," Natasha explained.

She turned to you and gave you a tight hug, squeezing your hand as she pulled away. "Hey. How you holding up?"

"Could be better," you gave her a sad smile. "I'm fine."

"Y/N, hey."

Steve stepped out from behind Wanda and Sam and took a few tentative steps towards you, his feet feeling heavier by the second.

The one man you thought you wouldn't be seeing again for a while was now in front of you, and you weren't sure how to react. Your heartbeat was deafeningly loud in your ears, drowning out the sounds of everything else as everyone fell silent upon seeing you two interact.

"Hey," you responded a few moments later, stuffing your hands in your jacket pockets. You lifted your head slowly, an unrecognizable sort of emotion flickering in your eyes for a brief second before you averted his gaze and looked back down at the ground.

He still looked the same, with his dirty-blonde hair and tall, muscular build, those piercing blue eyes and comforting arms. The sight of him alone made your chest ache and your stomach twist itself into knots at the same time you felt butterflies flying around. You hated that you allowed yourself to care about him so much, that your body still reacted to the sight of him even after not seeing him for so long.

"Uh...we'll give you two a moment," Sam awkwardly cleared his throat, leaving the room with the others.

When you glanced back up again you could see just how much being away had affected his overall appearance: his bright blue eyes that glittered with authority and passion had lost their light, red-rimmed and bloodshot with dark circles underneath that indicated it had been days since he last slept.

"I'm sorry, I know it took a while, but I'm here now. I missed you."

"I missed you, too," you said quietly. You swallowed hard, feeling the familiar sting to your eyes as you struggled to keep your tears at bay.

He sighed and wrapped an arm around you, pulling you close like you'd done to him before all those months ago, gently rubbing your back. Despite the heaviness in your stomach, it still fluttered at the feeling of your body pressed against his and you sunk into his warmth, his touch making the room feel warmer somehow. His arms that held you were soft and comforting, yet strong and firm at the same time, and the feeling of being so close to him was so dizzying to the point it made your head spin. But you didn't want to let go, so you held onto him as tight as you possibly could.

During the time of his absence, when the majority of your days were spent wandering around the compound alone, you taught yourself to ignore the pressing feeling in the back of your head, the way you felt as if there was some void in your heart that could only be filled by him and him alone. Day by day you attempted to convince yourself that no, you weren't falling in love with him, no, you weren't supposed to fall in love with him because it'd only destroy you in the end.

Yet you still did.

Always playing the part of promoting liberty and justice for all, Steve believed his sole purpose was to inspire and empower others to make the world a better place, blending into the mantra of 'a star-spangled man with a plan.' He always planned things out, always knew what he was doing.

So when he realized as he was holding you there in his arms, that he'd fallen in love with you, he didn't have a plan. And frankly, it terrified him.

He didn't have a plan, so he just decided to go with what his gut told him.

Steve brushed a stray hair that fell across your face and tucked it behind your ear. You looked up in surprise, heart hammering against your chest as his thumb brushed ever so gently against your cheek before he leaned down and pressed his lips to yours.

That's all he needed to do in order to eradicate all the anger, all the pent-up frustration and other emotion inside of you, to make you forgive him for every little thing that he's done to break your heart because there was nothing he could possibly do to make you love him any less.

"I love you," you mumbled as you pulled away, resting your head against his broad chest.

"I know. I love you too."

[builder051]

Happy belated birthday! :) Could you please write a fic with "Nat" and "bone"?

Jonestown.

Food mentions. Drug use mentions. Probably bad medical advice.

________________

Nat shows up at Jess's apartment a little past midnight, her arm done up in a sling made of the silk tape from her med kit.

"What'd you do now?" Jess asks, her eyes a little unfocused.

Nat makes a point not to ask her to drive her to the ER. They'd probably get a ticket. Not to mention admitted. Both of them.

"Ever set a broken bone?"

"Mmm, no?"

"Well," Nat says with a slight sigh, "No time like the present to learn."

She shows Jess the point on the ulna near her wrist where she's pretty sure the fracture is; at least it's the spot where a gentle touch sets off sparks of white-hot pain making her eyes water and her stomach twist.

Jess wants to poke it, but Nat stays her hand. "Stop." She looks around the perpetually messy-neat apartment. Messy in the halls and bedroom. Neat in the front for would-be customers. "Do you have one of those pre-made braces?"

"No."

"Tape? Better than this shit?" Nat nods down at the sticky silk that's already unwrapping itself in the summer humidity.

Jess squints and slowly nods. "Like, stuff for boxing?"

"That'll do." Now just something to use for a support... "Now. Something like... Popsicle sticks?" Nat hopes to god Jess is into arts and crafts.

"Oh!" Jess lifts one long finger and tells Nat to wait, which she does, impatiently. When she returns, she has two ice cream bars in hand. She unwraps both and hands one to Nat, and, lo and behold, both are on uneven wooden sticks.

"Well, fuck me." Nat tries not to laugh, because every inch of her body hurts, but her arm especially.

"Not tonight." Jess takes a bite of the strawberry whatever-it-is, then deposits scissors and tape onto the counter, proving the rest of her search fruitful as well.

"Not tonight," Nat agrees. "But once I'm healed up..."

"Don't get all ahead of yourself."

"Four to six weeks," Nat says. "Then I'll be good as new."

"'S a long time to wait."

"You're patient, right?"

"Mmm, no." Jess shakes her head. "And that's going to melt on you." She nods to Nat's ice cream.

"No, it won't." Nat takes a bite, practically gagging herself with it. "I'll be fine."

"You came in here with a broken arm, and now we've circled around to 'you're fine?'" Jess squints from behind her ice cream.

"Pretty much."

It's the same argument as always. The same progression. It's just funnier tonight, for reasons Nat will never know.

"Ok."

"Can I have a hit of whatever you took?" Nat asks hopefully, thinking perhaps it'll drag down the pain a notch or two.

"It was this frozen dessert thing, I swear," Jess teases, wiggling her ice cream bar in front of Nat's nose.

"Very funny." Nat makes herself grin. "But, really. Can I?"

Jess stretches her long legs and stands up. "Yeah. For you, anything."