#I don't wanna because I want people to ask about stuff!

[naompspsps]

Hi hello may I request octavinelle with a clingy and shy/quiet reader please and ty!! :D

Count once, Count again.

Summary: You wanna stay with them for a while. But you just made them want to stay with you too! Oh, How lucky you truly are.

Ft. Octavinelle boys

A/n: Hiii, Love the idea of that!! I've been writing this all day thinking of what else to add to the amazing idea ✨

Taglist: @frootloopscos

! do not repost or translate my works anywhere. do not copy or use my works in any site, Reblogs are appreciated alot though !

The first time you appeared in Twisted Wonderland, You couldn't help but look at three people. People feared them due to.. Reasons in their job and stuff, You knew about what they do, yet you still felt like being friends with them.

How should you do this?.. You thought carefully. You don't really know how to be friends with them..

Nor do people know how to mind their own business.

You've gotten quite popular for your quiet and shy self. Definitely the opposite from what you wanted. People know you just for being shy and quiet, no matter how funny a scene is.

Some people call you nonchalant, the others call you boring, but you're just.. Different from them. You don't really know how to express it because you're shy of people looking at you when you laugh just once.

It is going to be shocking for all of them, but is it necessary to look and point it out loudly to other people? No. You don't understand why pointing something out is relevant to anything good.

That popularity happened to reach in the octavinelle trio's ears. You didn't know about it, You were just living your life peacefully.

They were.. Intrigued. At first, Azul planned to take you to sign a contract, so they had to befriend you first, obviously. But, who knew you would have such a sweet effect on them?

You were in the library, chilling and reading books, when Floyd and Jade appear out of nowhere. "Hiiii~ Sooo what cha reading?" Floyd kneels down beside you, who is confused. Who is he?- Oh..

The other boy you've been longing to be friends with. You quietly mumble. "Floyd, Don't scare them away now." Azul walks closer to you three, sitting infront of you.

"Hi."

Well that was awkward. "That's so awkward of you, Azul~" Floyd laughs. "Be quiet, Eel." Azul whispers. He switches his attention to you. "Hello, You must be [Name]? I must say, I'm amused and intrigued, that you managed to catch such a loud crowd within a week. Didn't know you would become so popular in a blink of an eye."

"Are you jealous?" Jade asks, Trying not to let out a laugh. "What?! No! I'm just saying, Someone as fragile and shy like them could be overwhelmed with the popularity, Don't you think?"

You look back down at your book. "I-I'm.. Uumh... A- A bit." You manage to mumble out. "See? This poor unfortunate soul is suffering from the crowd!" Azul chuckles. "Don't worry, We aren't here to talk about that, We would just like to have a chat, a conversation. It is optional if you would like to talk aswell, No pressure."

"It's not called a Conversation if the other doesn't speak, You knoww-.." Floyd rolls his eyes and leans his back against the shelf behind you and Jade. "Be quiet, Eel." Azul and Jade say together, but Jade just knew Azul would say that.

You give the three a small smile, You have to admit, That was a bit funny, The expression Azul had on his face while he looks at Jade and Jade looking away is.. Just something else.

"I.. I don't mind having a conversation with you three." You say, closing your book and putting it aside. "Oh? Well then, If you say so." Jade fixes his sitting position. "I am Azul Ashengrotto, Housewarden of-"

"Octavinelle?.. And Jade Leech, Vice Housewarden? And Floyd Leech...- I-I- Sorry.. I didn't mean to interrupt your introductions..."

"No no, that's alright. If anything, That was impressive, You even know Floyd." Azul nods. You hums softly. "Wow. You're pretending like I don't deserve popularity." Floyd crosses his arms. "Because you really don't, you menace to society." Jade smiles at Floyd.

"Ow?! Remember that you're my twin, so we're completely the same!" Floyd points at Jade, As Azul sighs. "Enough fighting, We're here making a new friend and you two are making a new fight instead."

That's.. Yeah, True. You nod in agreement. "See? Even our new friend agrees with me, so quit that." Azul lets out a soft chuckle. "So, [Name], How would you like to study together? I plan to study with Floyd and Jade but Floyd here doesn't seem to be careful enough with his reviews."

"Can you stop having dramatic comments about me."

"No."

You look at the two fighting, then someone puts a hand on your shoulder. You look to the side. "Jade?.. What's wrong?.." You ask him. "Oh no, nothing's wrong, I may have just assumed you felt uncomfortable with them arguing like this."

You look back at Azul and Floyd. "Well.. Around you guys, I probably wouldn't." You smile. Jade chuckles. "I'm happy to hear that." He nods his head. You turn your head away from Jade, your eyes sparkling at the fact that you've literally won.

After waiting, You're finally friends with them. You can't wait to get on your knees infront of Ursula's statue and thank her.

Wait nevermind- People could be watching.

After Floyd and Azul are done arguing, You sigh softly. "..You both done?" You ask. "Yea." Floyd sits back down, And drags Azul down, making him hit his butt down on the floor as Floyd just watches him and laughs.

"Floyd!" Azul shouts. You and Jade look at each other ad an attempt to not laugh, but ended up failing. You cover your face with a book while laughing quietly, and Jade's laughing lowly.

Only a few minutes with being friends, and you're already comfortable around them. You wonder, though.. Are they comfortable with you?

You start to feel shy again, Covering yourself with the book in your hands. "Heyyy, What's wrong??" Floyd asks, pulling the book down. "Whoops, Someone's getting shy again." Jade whispers.

"I-I'm just.." There. No defense. Before you start to feel the tension, Azul speaks up. "[Name]. Hit Floyd with the book." He fixes his glasses, smiling deviously. You knew he was obviously joking.. Or was he..

You get rid of the thoughts in your head. Don't be shy.. Just say the things you wanna say.. Don't..

[Name]. You're hesitating again. You're getting shy again.

You think again, you don't need to be shy around them.. They're your friends. Some people that don't judge you before they even talk and get to know you.

"Say, Since we have all the free time, Why don't we all walk around the campus?" Jade suggests, and Floyd scoffs. "Ya'r only finding a way to get mushrooms, Aren't you?" He looks at Azul, Who also nods at Floyd's guess. "Shush." Jade puts a finger over Floyd's mouth, smiling.

You already knew that smile meant something else.. Like he was gonna shove mushrooms in Floyd's mouth anytime now.

And that's the story of how you became friends with them. Maybe you forgot to add one more thing, is that you've gone completely clingy around them.

First thing in the morning when they arrive at school, They already know whose footsteps they're gonna hear. That's right: Yours.

Not that they don't like it, They very much enjoy your company. Your quiet yet funny company, You follow them everywhere. And if you don't go with them, Floyd might aswell just carry you like a sack of rice and take you with them.

Most people have seen you all together, and seeing the happy look on your face is something else. They didn't take you for a happy type, but here you are, chasing the others around while Azul tiredly walks, trying to catch up.

"Wait up- Sevens!" Azul stops walking. Goodness, He won't even try anymore. You stop your tracks and look back at Azul, Turning around and walking closer to him. He looks up, seeing you offering him a hand. "So sweet of you." Azul whispers, takes your hand as you continue dragging him.

Maybe he's completely forgotten the reason why they befriended you, or maybe they realized you were too precious to get scammed by a contract, so Azul just abandoned the reason and actually became friends with you.

You were still quiet at usual, Yes, But around them you're a quiet chaotic person. That should be enough for your persona, You'll just forever be quiet.

Like that one time when you were feeding Azul, and he refused so you looked away, thinking of a plan. And when you did, you thought of treating him like a child. But when you look back at Azul, It was suddenly Floyd right infront of your eyes.

That caused you to jump and hold on your chest, avoiding in having a heart attack, of course.. The laughs of your three friends were something that calmed you down.

They had different approvals about you.

Azul had an approval for your amazing comebacks, and fighting back with a reasonable sentence that could shut half the world up.

Jade loves having you as his mushroom inspector, you stare at one, and you say all your honest comments about it that in the end, is right.

Floyd loves having you as his partner in crime, You and him on the same level, pulling pranks on others, running around and having a staring contest, intense edition.

You got along with the three very well, other people don't even see a connection to how you got along with them so easily if you were just shy and quiet. But now they shouldn't think that way.

Some started thinking you were too clingy, and quiet. But others just happily sighed that you finally found your happiness. Nothing too bad, just some on and off's about you to other people's perspective.

It's class time, you're in your classroom, waiting for dismissal. Even if you want it to end, you still study like a goody-two shoes. What kind of work did you put up with the Octavinelle Trio if you ended up failing?

Then finally, The bell rings. The teacher dismissed all of you, and you quickly get up and grabbed your things.

You walk outside and to your surprise, You see them waiting for you. It's supposed to be the other way around, but you can't lie, this is a nice change..

"So how was class, Shrimpy??" Floyd elbows you. "Oh, Just.. Some lessons that we already studied." You answer, quite silently. Jade hands you a milkshake. "Mm, Floyd and I went to the cafeteria and sae that they were selling this, So we bought one for each of us." He chews through the black pearls.

"For great seven's, Jade, Stop talking with your mouth full." Azul sips from his milkshake, he should tell you what the Leech twins did to him when he wanted to refuse the milkshake later. That's a promise. You shake the milkshake gently.

"It ain't poisoned, Right?.." You ask Jade, And he only looks at you with an evil smile. "Is it? Take a guess." He whispers. "Nah.." You answered, finally sipping, hm, you're surprised they even remember your favorite flavor.

Jade sips from his straw again. "Correct guess. It's not." You shrug. "Good.." You mumble.

You arrive at Octavinelle, Walking inside the lounge. You've seen this place alot of times, You couldn't even count it. All because of Floyd taking you with him and asking you to pull a prank on Jade and Azul.

Floyd plops on the couch, raising his milkshake up and swallowing the black pearls instead of chewing it first. "You-" Azul sighs. He's not even gonna try. You sit beside Azul, clinging on him again. "How's your day?.." You ask him.

"Oh, It's good, It'd be a better good if It wasn't for these two trying to squeeze me." He answers. "Huh? Why is that?" You chuckle quietly. "Because I tried refusing the milkshake."

"Oh.. I see why. Who wouldn't want to squeeze you for saying that?.." You sit back up, this time laying on Jade's shoulder. "Ouch, That kind of hurts. You know?" Azul dramatically wipes his tear. "Hm, Reality hurts, Azul." Floyd laughs.

You notice some students looking at you. Not in a good way. A weird look on their faces. You slowly feel the shyness fill up your body again.. Wait, No. Don't get shy now. You thought to yourself. Be brave.

One of the student walks up to you four, standing tall infront of you all. "It's actually be better if [Name] goes back to getting all shy and lonely. It's irritating seeing them cling on you all like that."

"How many times have they hung on you all like a koala? I counted once before, now I can't even keep count."

Jade pulls you closer to him, covering your head with his arm. "What's your deal?" Floyd gets up, threateningly walking closer to the student. "You're hanging on my patience like a monkey, boy." He warns.

"Now now Floyd, Don't start a fight.. Yet." Azul pulls Floyd back down. "Now you see, My dear dorm mate, [Name] is someone we consider as a friend. A best friend, so they have all the permission to cling on us."

"You don't get the permission to point it out, At all."

Azul gives the student a smug smile. "If you truly did count once before then lost count, I say the best way to solve that is count again from the starting." Azul leans in closer to him, narrowing his eyes in a menacing way. "If you seem to have a problem with our special friend's personality, then we might have a problem ourselves." He threatens.

"I'll have Floyd deal with you instead, Animal." He whispers, taking a small moment of silence before he sighs happily and sits back down. "So if you would just be kind, Please leave us to hang out." That cheeky grin on Azul is back..

You peek through Jade's fingers, and he immediately sticks his fingers together and covers your eyes.

"Jade!..-" You try to push his hands away, but he keeps himself steady. "Nuh uh."

"Jade, You can let go of [Name] now." Azul gestures him. Jade finally lets you go, you blink a few times before hugging Azul. "Thanks.." You mumble. "Ah!- I-.. Well, You're very welcome, my friend." Azul pats your head.

"Heyyyy, We don't get a thank you?" Floyd pouts. "Calm down, You two.. Thanks aswell.." You tilt your head to the side ever-so-slightly, placing your milkshake on the table right beside Jade.

"..Hmph, I was looking forward to dealin' with that so called 'courageous' boy." Floyd crosses his arms, having a small tantrum. Azul and Jade sighs, but you chuckle. "I was looking forward to that too." You admit.

"Why don't we all just enjoy the day and hang out, forget all the people judging." Jade suggests, And you hum softly. "Sure." Azul shrugs. "Cool, That's totally not something we were already doing now." Floyd sassily rolls his eyes.

"Be quiet, Eel." You, Azul and Jade say together.

"Ow, even my own partner in crime?"

"Yeah." You answer.

You smile, wanting to giggle happily at how much this friendship has grown so quick. It feels like you've known them since childhood even if you didn't, but you're just so comfortable around them, you don't even know why and how.

Who said you didn't like that? You're glad you have them to stand up for you.

Author's End Note: Khee hee hee hee hee im done, finally!! (Imagine finishing this in class because your teacher allowed the class to use their phones 💪💪)

! do not repost or translate my works anywhere. do not copy or use my works in any site, Reblogs are appreciated alot though !

[missycolorful]

omgg, i saw a few posts about the glass child stuff but never really got too into it bc i felt like they were always missing something. i wasn't really sure what that was until i saw your post, where you mentioned lullahs abandonment issues, and everything just clicked. it just all makes sense now bc i know one of the biggest proponents to the "chays STILL a glass child" is qphils seemingly continuing to prioritize lullah over chay, when looking back at most of said moments it does feel more like a dad making sure the child who was abandoned doesnt feel like that ever again. i also feel like some of the issues come with qphils falling into habits, lullah hasn't really needed extra help in a while, but i don't feel as if that notion has fully into qphils mind yet. i would just love if both lullah and chay got one on one time with qphil bc i love them together, but i think each of them often times holds something back for the others' sake, y'know? lullah and bads and/or chay and tubbos recent solo hangouts kinda showcase the difference in dynamic. anyways, tl;dr you have amazing insight and an attention to detail that i, and i feel like a majority of others, missed out on, and i would love to see more character analysis/insights done by you, if you're interested of course!

oh my goodness, thank you you're far too kind, haha!! 😭

yeah, tbh, I'm kinda surprised that part of Phil's reasoning was either not considered or even ignored. When he mentioned them "being alone," Tallulah's abandonment issues instantly came to mind; it's a huge part of her arc, y'know? So, yeah I can't see this as him accommodating Lullah's disabilities while disregarding Chay; rather, it was him thinking about her literal trauma. If it were switched (Chay had these issues, not Lullah), Phil would go for him in a heartbeat. Why people spun it as "he wasn't worried about Chay" is wild to me.

i also feel like some of the issues come with qphils falling into habits,

mhhm, that's about the crux of it. Yes, q!Phil has trained Tallulah in PVP , and neither he nor Chay recently hover over her during pvp, but when it comes to adjusting to how much his kids have changed, we're still getting there. And not just cuz of, like I said, being separated during Purgatory makes it hard for Phil to grasp what they went through. But bc he himself isn't quite in tune with his own emotions/trauma. It's a detriment to helping his children and growing as a parent, and is part of his own character growth that he is surely yet steadily going through.

And YES! I'd LOVE for the kids to have one-on-ones with Philza. They usually come in pairs, which y'know, is what makes a lot of these issues so difficult. The kids don't have time to be alone with their father, bc they're typically online with him at the same time. I crave that sole father/son bonding, not just bc they need it, but because I love their dynamic so much <3

tbh, i usually limit my character analysis to my main POV, sometimes others if I feel confident enough (i.e. Missa, Baghera). Last thing I wanna do is write analysis that does injustice to a character - any cc!phil fan knows this pain, both in this fandom and others lol! and also some characters I'm admittedly… kinda scared to talk about bc some fans get uber defensive if you talk about any of their negative traits; all fanbases have people like this, of course, crows are NO exception, but this one specifically just… I'd need to be prompted to discuss this character whom I won't specify haha. regardless, if you or anyone else ever wants to ask about my insights on qsmp characters, whether q!Phil or others, I'm more than willing to at least give it a try. thank you again! :)

[lowkeyrobin]

Hello! I never realized you wrote for tokio hotel, but them with announcing their relationship publicly?

Have a good day! (Or night!)

ooo yeah sure!!! ; also yeah I just put them on the board a few days ago, although I've been in the fandom much longer than now lol. I never got around to writing for them before + my fixation is back so 🙏🙏 it'll fade out over time but it's not gonna dissapear like last time i swear you guys ; have a good day/night to you too!!

TOKIO HOTEL ; relationship status

includes ; bill, tom, georg & gustav

warnings ; language

masterlist

BILL KAULITZ

he was like "you sure??"

tried talking you out of it 193984 times because he didn't want you receiving hate

I think it was the softest softlaunch ever like

he devoted a song to you at one of their shows and basically confirmed all the photos and tweets and stuff

it was honestly really sweet

you were just a person in the world and he was a german rockstar / model

I mean match made in heaven if you ask me

TOM KAULITZ

the hardest of hard launches

although it takes a while for him to get the balls to man up and devote himself to you

straight up made out with you in front of paparazzi 💀 that was the plan

literally got awarded teen couple of the year. like okay good decision

you had a status of your own so you two together 🤩🙏

again, parasocial fangirls aren't your best friends but a lot of people love you together

georg is constantly posting photos of you guys together 😭

GUSTAV SCHAFER

GEORG LISTING

you guys reached that serious point in your relationship and he didn't wanna hide it anymore

just made sure to be around paparazzi after a show or interview and made sure to look all couple-y with you lol

he dropped you off somewhere and left a kiss on your lips to just straight up hardlaunch you

you had a long talk and devised a plan long beforehand don't worry

he was so proud to brag about it to his friends though LMAO

"me and my partner are public, where are you at, Tom?"

"shut the hell up bro"

all jokes dwdw

softlaunched you mostly through the internet

started with some whatsapp posts here and there

then it became like every post had at least one pic of you

then there was one of you two kissing 💔🫶

and his+your friends were all commenting cute shit under the post

literally everyone ships you so much, it's adorable

[dustgeonmeshi]

HI CAN I JUST SAY. thank you for having SUCH good opinions of chilchuck (and his daughters) with izutsumi's dynamic!! I thought I was the only one who likes to think really really hard about them!! I have so many hcs about them and a playlist and at least 2k mad rambling in a gdoc somewhere. Like yeah... neither of them wants to admit it (Chilchuck out of professionalism and Izutsumi out of her independent nature) but they are both really good at providing what each other needs emotionally (1/2)

(putting this screenshot here for the sake of keeping both parts together!)

AAAAAAAAA i'm glad to find more people who enjoy their dynamic as much as i do!!!!!! i really love your ideas here and totally agree. like, yes!! chilchuck finds his fulfillment in caring for others, be it his daughters, his party members, or other half-foots. and pairing that with a girl who got used to looking out for herself with the nakamoto family leads to some really sweet stuff. it's nice that they don't desperately NEED each other (hence why i like to imagine she comes and goes as she pleases), but they consistently choose to be around each other because of that reciprocal care they provide.

(more rambling below the cut)

what i find so fun about writing about them is that you HAVE to write around their feelings. like you said, neither one of them would ever say it out loud, but they do care about each other. their acts of care are things like: chilchuck nagging izutsumi to clean up after herself and to wake up at a decent hour, and izutsumi continuously coming back to hang around chilchuck's house long after their time in the dungeon has ended. "I enjoy your presence, and I want you to stay healthy" but it's never actually said out loud.

i guess i'm always partial toward familial dynamics in media, so seeing the innate familial connection between these two (without it being confined into a typical nuclear label) sparked something in my brain. i'm really happy so many people enjoy the content i make of them :')

(also if you ever wanna link your chil & izu playlist or ramblings in my ask box, i certainly wouldn't complain...)

[silver-wield]

Stygian pisses me off. Along people like her who say wishy washy stuff like "at most he probably thought she attractive he not blind, probably has fleeting feelings but those are bland compared to his feelings for tifa" where? Where are those?! Some talk about bro code but even before the whole Zack thing, he's already so mean in costa del sol. He's already Disgusted at the idea of a "couple gondola event". He's already mean in Remake even after that Cursed resolution. In fact it was after the whole Zack bit that he started trying to be kinder and more tolerating. It's No bro code, that concept was Never a thing he thought of. Do you know what he thought of? He DIDN'T think "oh zack gf, i should back away" , rather it was "oh zack gf, I should be more kinder because everything Zack cares about I care about as well". I bet he was super guilty and saddened about not remembering Zack and not telling his parents what's up. He Loves Zack third to Tifa and Claudia. aerith isn't even close enough to the list, heck he was more cool with barret and yuffie. He hit it off with yuffie so easily and they just met!, she can even understand his perverted tendencies about Tifa. Something not all of them see. Actually it might just be her who knows lol.

Anyway, these Statements Don't hold up and will contradict because it's Not canon. I just don't understand how they see these things that Never existed? Did they play the game? Did we play the same game? I don't understand why even entertain this? Do they Not understand the material given to them? Why are they even here? There is so much about FF7, and "ltd" Doesn't even exist. It's all in their head that Only loves to argue but stray away from canon and factual evidences.

Every time i hear them talk about him and his pov about aerith, it just makes me get turned off of him and want to Never support ct. Heck, I'd be the #1 to fight against it. I'm starting to wonder if they even like tifa, cloud or even this IP. Nojima didn't write him this way for them to downgrade and water down his character and his story and feelings about tifa.

This guy NEVER wavered. And while I think aerith was only saying what she said in her resolution as a sign she Never understood him at all (creepy date was Very Clear he Doesn't see Nor will ever see her that way, yet she missed this lol) and was indeed only talking to herself. All these so called "attraction/ fleeting feelings" some think AREN'T REAL, IT'S NEVER THERE. It's all in your imagination and you have to ask if they even enjoy FF7, tifa, cloud and ct to begin with. Or do they wanna hop onto c /a's train that if zack and tifa didn't exist this that wtvr despite Nojima writing about how these characters are Totally Incompatible in ALL levels.

Srry for the rant. I'm just so Sick of this wishy washy attitude. I think FF7 fans are so lucky to have so much material to fight against these but some ignore them. If this was a real debate, they've lost immediately. You deal with evidence and canon as support. Not use essays, what ifs , and half assed assertions such as those. It just sounds like they're afraid of being wrong. But foolishly they already are. Credibility goes down Immediately.

I understand that frustration when clotis make Aerith apologist comments that encourage dumbasses because they'll use it as a talking point to say "even clotis think Cloud was attracted to her!!!!" which is why I take myself away from those kinds of discussions because it's bullshit and I don't wanna argue with moots.

Before we had the material ulti plus scene showing that Cloud literally didn't recognise Aerith in her red dress a lot of us went "well he's male and she's dressed up 🤷" but then we got the scenario and the script that showed he literally didn't know it was even her and he was just surprised some random woman is walking towards him with a red carpet being rolled out and shit.

And then with the swimsuits, he isn't even looking at Aerith. He glances at her face then immediately checks out Tifa and we get that in the first person pov, so we see exactly where he's looking. Then he gets all shy and stammers, and they flirt. But, even when Aerith also matches he doesn't reply to her saying she needs help with the sunscreen, so he avoids her flirtation. He also constantly shows and tells her that he isn't happy with her yanking him around and calling everything a date.

So, given the literal evidence, no cloti should still be going around saying he finds her attractive. He clearly doesn't.

And idky we must have Cloud seeing her as attractive or being attracted just because she's a woman. She ain't pretty. That's not just me saying it. That's literally what we've been told throughout the games. She was called homely in wall market, Zack said she's only pretty from certain angles, nobody compliments her looks or style, and yet we're supposed to believe that the man who is panting after Tifa Lockhart, who is literally described as a bombshell, would also find someone subpar attractive and be interested in that because he's a man.

That's a pretty shitty way to view Cloud.

[kyoupann]

To all my neurodivergent besties out there, here's the situation :

So I've been in therapy for about two months now and a couple sessions ago I told my therapist how when people recommend stuff to me like books and shows, to me it feels like I'm getting to know the person. I'm learning about them through media they like; and that if I feel said media is gonna teach me something new about the other person, then I engage with that media. In my mind, it's a scale "will I learn anything new about them? Yes/no"

I rarely ever have interest in new stuff, but when my friends get into something new I like to ask the why's and how's first because I'd love to understand. In a way, it's something I do out of interest for my friends. And yeah, sometimes I've felt like I'm being more annoying than anything else but—that's besides the point; I like to watch new things to understand people, I watch things with people in mind. I read and I like finding a scene that makes me understand why this person recommended this story. My love language some would say lmao.

Anyways,

[bluesidedown]

hnnnnnnnnngggggggg

[youremyonlyhope]

In Defense of Tolya/Inej

(A long rambling essay exploring asexuality, "shipping wars," and the effect that constant cancellations has had on fandom. 4600 words. I'm not even sorry that it's long. There's a tldr at the end.)

Let's start this off by saying I am asexual. Or demisexual... greysexual... aceflux... the point is I am on the asexual spectrum. I don't know where precisely. I don't personally think it really matters for me to specifically define it. I am somewhere over there. I also consider myself to be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum (for that one I'm 90% sure I lean toward greyromantic).

All of this is to say: asexuality and aromanticism are both spectrums. They are umbrella terms. There are subgroups within them to help describe the range of the spectrum, but if people want to just use asexual or aromantic to describe themselves then they can. Where I fall is different from where someone else falls, and that's different from where another person falls, and that's probably different from the person reading this if you are ace and/or aro too. And it's different for Tolya. There isn't one aroace experience and there isn't one type of aroace representation.

A little more about me. I am also mixed race. More specifically Black and white like Jesper, but mixed people of all races know the shared experiences of feeling like we're between two worlds. It's not as obvious in the show (I can't remember if it's even mentioned but I can see that some fans don't seem to know), but in in the books Tamar and Tolya are half-Shu and half-Ravkan. Also, I am a twin. I am a girl with a boy twin. My twin brother is a foot taller than me. So, Tamar and Tolya's existence in the Grishaverse speak to MY SOUL. Tamar, Tolya, and Jesper make me feel like so many parts of myself are represented on these pages.

Moving on from my background. Just another reminder that ace is a spectrum. Aro is a spectrum. Life. Is. A. Spectrum.

Onto the actual topic: Tolya. In the books, Tolya doesn't have any love interests. He also notably says "I have my faith, my books. I've never wanted more," in Rule of Wolves. This leads many fans to headcanon him as ace, aro, or aroace. I headcanon him as aroace too. I loved that one almost throwaway line and it made me feel even more connected to Tolya. I recently reread the Shadow and Bone trilogy and it renewed my love for Tolya. The perfect casting of Lewis Tan also reignited my excitement for seeing this character that I adore appear onscreen.

It seems, from the scene of Tolya helping Inej onto the boat, that the show will explore the possibility of Tolya and Inej being together. THIS IS OK. This is ok specifically because THE STORY IS NOT OVER.

I find that when I am worried about something, going over worst case scenarios and best case scenarios can help me calm down. Let's list a few possibilities of where this will lead:

Tolya and Inej fall in love. Inej forgets Kaz exists. Tolya's possible aroace-ness is never acknowledged. They spend all their time kissing and having sex, never again hunting slavers or reciting poetry ever. If Inej and Kaz meet again, she'll break his heart because they'll never get together. Kaz dies alone. Tolya and Inej then have 20 kids.

Tolya develops (or has already developed) a crush on Inej. It's understandable, she helped save his life and they fought well together against Ohval. Tolya is a very outwardly affectionate person: he's open about his feelings (hence the constant poetry recitation), he loves to care for the people around him (sharing food with multiple characters, helping Jesper with Wylan), he values his blade (his hallucination nightmare is Tamar dying on his blade, he doesn't notice people ducking out of the way of his handle), and he is incredibly spiritual (praying in Shu-Han, but many more examples in the books, the show has barely touched the surface of his spirituality). He is nearly the polar opposite of Kaz, and Inej has said that Kaz cannot give her what she wants, so that probably draws Inej towards Tolya. They get closer after spending time at sea, and they start a relationship. They stay together through the end of the show. Kaz either stays alone or finds someone else. Tolya's aroace-ness is never acknowledged.

Everything from #2, except they don't stay together through the end of the show. Inej realizes that despite Tolya being able to give her what she thinks Kaz can't, she still wants Kaz. And Kaz, now having been away from Inej for a period of time and possibly working through some of his touch aversion and other anxieties, wants to try to meet Inej somewhere in the middle after knowing with it's like to almost lose her to someone else. She accepts Kaz, leaves Tolya, and Tolya is fine with it (because I can't imagine Tolya ever holding a grudge for that). Tolya's aroace-ness isn't never acknowledged, but is probably somewhat implied (something along the lines of telling Inej the "faith and books" line to reassure her).

Everything from #2, but this time Tolya is the one who realizes that this might not be what he wants. Maybe he realizes that he has romantic feelings for Inej but not sexual. Maybe he realizes that he has sexual feelings for Inej but not romantic. Maybe he realizes his feelings for Inej are purely platonic and the intensity comes from his gratitude for saving him. Or maybe the intensity comes from them connecting through their spirituality. This could either lead to Inej feeling sad and rejected and turning to Kaz for some comfort, OR she just agrees that the feelings aren't the same as what she had for Kaz. Kaz has now worked through some of his trauma. So they end the relationship, Toya is happy with his faith and books, and Inej reconnects with Kaz romantically.

The look that Tolya gave Inej wasn't from some sort of romantic interest, but instead intrigue at the chance of getting to know her better. They become best friends with their bond starting from their mutual love for blades and their spirituality. They become the blade fighting duo we never knew we needed. The show never mentions his sexuality, he just stays single.

Same as #5, but they also Tolya say the "faith and books" line and confirm he's aroace.

The show sees the negative response from some fans and does a complete 180, never addressing the possibility Tolya and Inej again. I do not want this to happen. Not because I like Tolnej, but because I hate that fan response and pandering has become a thing in the current age of social media and letting fans influence media. It completely ruined the Rise of Skywalker. I fully believe it's influenced RTD's Doctor Who (I can go more in depth on that another time). Looking at these examples, I would rather the Shadow and Bone writers continue with whatever storyline they already have planned rather than shift to appease some of the fans, even if that planned storyline isn't something I will like. People need to remember that the fans who care enough to speak on social media, both positively and negatively, only make up a small percentage compared to the entire viewership. So I definitely do not want them to take fan response into account when planning the show. Leigh is an executive producer, so I trust she wouldn't let them explore something with her characters and her world that she wouldn't mind seeing herself.

Kaz, in my headcanon, also falls somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Whether it's because of his touch aversion or if that's just a part of it, I do think he's somewhat asexual. While most of us are ace just because we're ace, there are some people who are ace due to past trauma and I've imagined Kaz falls in that category. To me, subtly in the books but definitely in the show, Inej desires a sexual relationship and she's well aware that Kaz doesn't want that. Her hallucination, which I see so many Kanej fans gif'ing and fangiring over, would never happen at this point in Kaz's life. Inej realizes it in the moment, and that's how she knows it isn't real. Tolya is literally using his Heartrender abilities to try to slow down the effects of the poison before succumbing to the horror of his hallucination, but it's Inej who snaps out of her hallucination first BECAUSE she knows what she's seeing is not possible. It's different from Jesper, who knows his hallucination isn't real since his mom is gone and yet still wants to stay in it, because Inej knows this could theoretically happen, but also knows that Kaz would never let it happen. She doesn't even let herself enjoy the hallucination the way Jesper did because it's something she doesn't think she can ever have with Kaz. There is a very real possibility that the show could ultimately decide (after some combination of the earlier scenarios in my list) that Tolnej doesn't work/doesn't happen AND then that Inej and Kaz will never have any sort of relationship either. They could all end up single or with other characters. Even at the end of Crooked Kingdom, the Kanej relationship is still somewhat ambiguous. They hold hands, she says she's not ready to give up on him, and he helped find her family, but they aren't explicitly in love. I wouldn't be surprised if the show goes the book route and leaves Kanej ambiguous yet hopeful at the end.

BONUS! Just because I think it'd be fun. Make Tolya canonically aromantic and just care deeply and platonically for Inej, but maybe he can still fulfill Inej's desire for a sexual relationship since he can be demi or greysexual or even asexual with a libido. Kaz may never fully stop being touch averse, which is perfectly fine, and he and Inej connect romantically with a fulfilling life of love. And then Kaz and Tolya get to bond deeply platonically over their mutual love for life's beauty (poetry and Inej). Make them some sort of triad that mixes and fulfills everyone's romantic, sexual, and platonic needs. It's a win-win-win for all three. It doesn't have to be a love triangle, Inej has two hands. Do I expect the show to go in this direction? No. Would I love to see it? Yes.

Obviously I'm exaggerating scenerio #1 on purpose. Because that exaggeration is what I imagine people to seem to think the show is leading to based on how intense their responses have been so far. I also tried to address some other things I've seen people freaking out about when making the scenarios, like how Kaz will react to Tolya or worrying if Tolya being aroace will ever be acknowledged in the show.

What do I think is most likely to happen? Honestly, scenario #3 or #4. Maybe #6. That's why I'm not freaking out. Yes I ship Kanej, yes I think Tolya is aroace, but I also like the idea of them exploring Tolnej and I think either #3 or #4 would be fun to see. While the show strays from the books in a lot of ways, I don't think they'll stray from the final relationships by the end of it.

At the end of Ruin and Rising, Mal and Alina get to leave, get married, and live an ordinary life full of ordinary things. I LOVE the ending (apparently that's another controversial opinion I have about the Grishaverse) but that didn't happen in the show. Yet. The show has separated Mal and Alina so that Mal can figure out who he is without his tracking and so they can find out if they love each other for each other, or if it was just destiny that pulls them together. This is not in the book at all. And yet I love it. It can lead to strengthening their relationship since I trust the show will still end eventually with them together, hopefully with their ordinary ending. I think the show is doing the same thing with Kanej. The "I'll have you without your armor or not at all" conversation actually came towards the end of the duology, but the show moved it much earlier. I like that they did because this gives them something to build up from. Another reason I like scenarios #3 and #4 is because they still give Kaz the opportunity take what Inej said to heart and try to live without his armor. At the end of Crooked Kingdom, he takes off his glove and holds Inej's hand, but he is not at that point in the show yet. He will be eventually. And knowing that Inej might move on with Tolya can give him more reason to work to get to that point. I don't think the show is telling us Kanej will never happen, I think the possibility of Tolnej is the same as them separating Malina. I believe they will all come back together.

And if any of my listed scenarios do happen: THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN TOLYA'S SEXUALITY IS ERASED.

Sexuality in the Grishaverse is never defined. The fans can make inferences based on the relationships that Leigh gives her characters, but they don't define the characters' sexualities with labels in the books. This is because in the Grishaverse, labels as we know them don't seem to exist. You can kind of think of it in the way that we should treat LGBT+ people in history: we can give them labels of what we would consider them to be in our current era, but we'll never truly know what they would have labeled themselves because either they were closeted or there were just no labels for their sexualities at the time. And when they did have labels, they often called themselves things that many LGBT+ people would never use today. I look at the Grishaverse characters' sexualities in a similar way; they don't label themselves, and we can make assumptions based on the labels we would use, but they will never be explicitly canon unless Leigh puts it in the books.

For example, Hanne in Rule of Wolves (MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THIS PARAGRAPH) Leigh uses "she/her" pronouns for them up until the last part of the book, and then Leigh is careful to NEVER use any pronouns for Hanne again. The fandom assumes Hanne identifies as a transman from that point on or maybe nonbinary, but we really don't know for sure yet because it happened so late in the book. The Grishaverse wiki uses "they/them" pronouns for Hanne precisely because we don't know what they prefer. All we know is that they always felt uncomfortable when they presented as a girl, and they enjoyed Tailoring themself to be more masculine. Maybe in future books we will get a definite answer as to whether they are a transman or nonbinary, but for now we technically don't know. But out of respect, the fandom has agreed to use they/them for Hanne. (RULE OF WOLVES SPOILERS ARE DONE)

So, if Tolya does have a relationship with Inej at some point in the show, whether or not it lasts, it doesn't erase the possibility of Tolya being on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums. The show and books are never going to give him a definitive label. He could be demisexual/romantic and figure out after forming a bond with Inej that he has sexual or romantic feelings for her. Or he could be greysexual/romantic, which has a purposefully wide definition (rare specific circumstance that he desires having a relationship, weak attraction or difficulty telling it apart from platonic feelings, etc), and his experiences with Inej could fall into one of those categories. In these cases, we'd probably get a scene where he'd say something like "I've always thought I only needed my books and faith, but after getting to know you, Inej, I have never felt this way before and I don't think I'll ever feel this way again." This would still be representation for people who fall along the middle of the aroace spectrum, but not those at the furthest edge. If the relationship doesn't last and through it he realizes that he's sure that these are things he's not interested in, then that represents every aroace person who had to go through that before coming to terms with their sexuality. It's not erasure. Maybe it doesn't specifically represent YOU if you consider yourself aroace, but it definitely represents SOMEONE who does (I'd find it very relatable).

And all of this goes back to something I mentioned at the start: the show is not DONE. If it gets renewed, which it likely will, then there is more to see. To me, the people I see freaking out about the possibility of Tolnej, whether it's because they ship Kanej and don't want a triangle or because they don't want Tolya's sexuality to be "erased," are reacting the way you'd usually see people react if the show ended at this point. But it probably will not. And then when I see posts from the people who are thinking ahead, they seem to only be considering scenario #1 and not realizing there are a multitude of directions for the show to go in. It's not worth freaking out over. Plus, there's always the saying "don't like don't read," so if you find you really are disliking even the possibility that any scenario I listed could come true, you can just not watch the show and pretend it doesn't exist. The books are never changing. Even if the show changes everything, even if they have Alina end up with Jesper or Wylan end up with Nadia or Zoya marry a volcra or any other ridiculous outcome that utterly changes the show's canon, the book's canon will never change. You can always turn to the books if things don't ultimately turn out in a way you want them to.

Also, why am I seeing people complain that fans are writing fanfiction already about Tolnej? Why are you complaining about what other fans are doing that has zero affect on you? Fanfiction is not just for the canon ships. It's not even just for shipping in general, but it's definitely not reserved to the ships that are canon. You can write fanfiction for any ship you want to. Shipping wars have never truly made sense to me, but maybe that's because my first big online fandom was Glee and the ships were constantly changing and switching around so there was no point in putting too much effort into arguing because it may all change in the next episode anyway. Yes, we had lots of ship wars, but when people shipped the most random "crackships" possible then the appropriate response for most people was "wow, they really ship that, weird" and then to move on. Let people write fanfics. That's why AO3 exists. You can just write whatever you like. And yes of course a new crop of fans hate AO3, which is a whole other issue I cannot wrap my head around, but the point is to just let people write the fanfic they want to write and make the fanart they want to. Someone has already made a Tolnej fanvid on YouTube? Wow that's incredible since they did it so quickly! Malina on the moon AU? Cool throw in some sun and moon jokes! Do you think that Wylan and Hershaw would be best friends? Go for it, they'll probably blow everything up! The Darkling and Mal and Alina incest AU fic? Not my cup of tea but you do you and I just won't read it. People will write what they want to, and they aren't hurting anyone in the process, so if you don't want to see it then don't read it.

I see people complaining that shipping wars will begin to start after this fandom had been so peaceful for years. Honestly, the only reason there weren't shipping wars before this was because Six of Crows didn't have enough characters and possible ships to have a war over. Mixing with Shadow and Bone earlier in the timeline has opened up the possibilities. You know how to prevent shipping wars? Just don't fight with people who ship the things that you don't ship. Don't engage. If you see a Tolnej fanfiction, don't tell the author "Ew I hate Tolnej. You shouldn't have written this." just don't read it. Or if you do read it and still don't like it, then move on. If someone who ships Tolnej comes on a Kanej post and starts saying Tolnej is better, or vice versa, you can press the block button. Or you can just not respond to them. A shipping war doesn't start if you don't fight in it. There can just be people who ship Tolnej, people who ship Kanej, people who ship all 3 of them together, and everyone can just choose what they want to interact with and scroll past what they don't.

When it comes to Avatar: The Last Airbender, I am a gigantic Zutara shipper, and the Zutara vs Kataang ship war was infamously a bad one, but I just try not to engage in it. I know my ship isn't canon. Sure, I'll complain that it's not canon, maybe say "Oh in this scene they were so in love" and think about what could have been, but then I just go read Zutara fanfics. If you don't want to see shipping wars, don't participate. Ignore it. Move on.

But you know what? I think I know what the ultimate source of this is, or at least one of the sources. I've been seeing similar uproars in the Stranger Things and Umbrella Academy fandoms this year. Both are fandoms that also tend to skew younger than myself. I think fans, especially younger fans, are now reacting in these intense ways as a defense mechanism because so many shows get cancelled early. They're preparing in advance for this to be the last of whatever media they love, they're preparing for this to be canon forever, and they aren't happy.

Using Stranger Things as my example, I saw it happen when people were mad that Will didn't come out as gay at the end of Season 4 and that Mike didn't fall in love with him. I get that you guys ship them, and I love Will and want him to be happy, but just because it didn't happen in Season 4 doesn't mean it's not going to happen. First of all, Will is a 14 year old kid in the 1986 from a small town in Indiana that can barely handle Dungeons and Dragons and he's already been bullied at school for possibly being gay, coming out is not as easy as it is today. Reagan only just acknowledged AIDS one year earlier. Even Robyn hasn't come out to anyone but Steve. If they had thrown in Will coming out amongst the chaos of Elle fighting Vecna and trying to save Max, I know people would complain that it got shoehorned in as an afterthought. And because it didn't happen at all, people are complaining about that too. I know people will always complain about something, but I'm sure that fewer fans would complain if they didn't have the fear of cancellation instilled in them. Sure, Stranger Things would never get cancelled before finishing the planned story, but these fans are just used to feeling that the end of each season of every show could possibly be The End, and then complain about the loose ends accordingly.

That's what I think I'm seeing from the people who are upset about the possibility of Tolya and Inej being together. The show will probably be renewed, but it's not guaranteed. If it were to end right now, then yeah, fans who only watch the show would assume Inej and Kaz will never be together, that Tolya is interested Inej, and they'd have no idea that he's implied to be aroace in the books. But here's the thing: if you read the books, you know none of this is true. In the books, Tolya is aroace representation. In the books, Kaz and Inej are implied to have a romantic future. Why does it matter to you and your life if some people who watch the show don't know about the parts of the books that haven't happened yet? The fans who are mad about this change are all book fans because we're the ones who know it's a change. If we don't like the change, we can always choose to only acknowledge the books. The books can't be cancelled. The books are not going to change. Even if the show goes in directions you don't like, you can always take solace in the books.

Also, I see way too many people complaining about Tolya and Inej who have only read SoC/CK but not any of the books that Tolya actually appears in.

I'm nearly done. I wanted to address the aroace fans who are sad because they saw themselves in Tolya and now feel he doesn't represent them. I'm sorry that a character you connected to doesn't touch you the same way in the show as they did in the book. But you can't say Tolya isn't aroace representation in the show, at least not yet. At this point, he doesn't represent YOU and you definitely deserve representation, but he does represent SOMEONE. And hopefully he will continue to represent someone. So many aroace people had relationships with people they cared about and thought they felt romantic or sexual love for, before they eventually realized they were aroace. If this ends up as Tolya's story, then that rings true to SO MANY people. As I keep repeating, the show is not over, this could be leading to one of the scenarios where Tolya figures out that he is aroace through pursuing a relationship with Inej. He could already be demi or grey and it just hasn't come up in the show yet, but meeting Inej is one of the few times in his life that he does feel romantic and/or sexual attraction. Or, the look he gave her was just platonic and he's excited to have her aboard the Volkvolny.

We don't know for sure. It's better to just let the show's story unfold and remember that you will always have the books you love, rather than waste energy worrying about where the show is heading.

So yeah. I love Tolya. I love the idea of Tolnej. I love any plot point that can put more Tolya on my screen. I am greyromantic and demi/grey/flux/asexual/whatever and I personally like where they're taking his character and I want to see what it leads to. I hope it ultimately leads to him staying on the asexual and aromantic spectrums, but we don't know for sure right now. We just need to wait and see.

Also, don't tag any hate posts for the ship in the Tolya Yul-Bataar, Tolnej, Tolya x Inej, and Inej x Tolya tags. That's just fandom etiquette 101.

.......................

tl;dr:

1) The show isn't done yet and we don't know where it's heading. 2) The show can be heading in a bunch of different directions, including keeping Tolya as aroace and having Kanej be canon. 3) Asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums and umbrella terms, so Tolya could be with Inej and still be considered aroace. 4) This isn't erasing aroace representation because there will still be aroace people who will feel represented by him. 5) The books are not going away so if worst comes to worst, he'll still always be aroace representation in the books.

[acoldsovereign]

{{ I'm no longer apologizing for making OOC posts now, lol. If i make one, I make one. If not, then I just won't post one (or I'll just do RP stuff). But uhhhhh, yee- ya girl's having an emotional/mental health day rn, so I'll be a wee bit all over the place. I wanna get some RP stuff done, get some lore posts out, and other stuff. :3

[quickhacked]

>> wip day

was tagged a long time ago by @adelaidedrubman, @turbo-virgins and @shellibisshe to share a wip and was tagged by @morvaris and @aartyom to share six sentences from a current wip, thank you so much!! i decided to combine them and rather than sharing a wip, i'll share some information about the broker, a new character i recently introduced into the story of my cyberpunk ocs :) tagging @reaperkiller, @arklay, @steelport, @cultistbase, @faarkas, @swordcoasts, @ladybeniko, @necro-hamster, @strafethesesinners, @henbased, @coffeebucko, @awful-roffle, @bluemojave and anyone else who wants to do this!

A powerful fixer in Night City, operating from the shadows and only known by their alias. Cold and ruthless, focused entirely on wreaking havoc in the existing mercenary world by planting seeds of distrust and paranoia, to pit everyone up against each other. While their interference is still minimal, the long-term consequences can be felt in every corner of the city.

Once a powerful Arasaka asset, the Broker has access to a tight network of assassins- a few highly skilled killers who serve as their security network, all ex-Arasaka as well. Through connections they also have an entire division of Militech in their pocket, and the NCPD tends to turn them a blind eye.

The Broker is a horrible fixer, presenting themself as "one of the good guys" and luring mercs in with eddies and empty promises. With their charismatic nature, they're able to use the backstabbing and corruption in Night City's underworld as a tool to manipulate mercs into thinking no one can be trusted and the entire network has to be destroyed for good, and they themself are the only person in the whole city they can trust; this way, their mercs end up developing a strange dependency on them, meaning they'll do anything they tell them to do without giving it a second thought.

Though once the Broker has lured the mercs in, they stop paying them well and give them little support while they do all their dirty work, uncaring about what happens to them and whether or not they'll make it out alive. The mercs are mere tools to the Broker to achieve their long-term goals, and they even take pride in killing those who dare to disagree with them- turning them into an example for others.

Some time after Vincent has been cured and is no longer actively dying, one of Vitali's cargo trucks is intercepted by a group of his old mercenaries- all people who felt betrayed and abandoned by him after his departure from Night City with Vincent about six months ago, when they left for Arizona in hopes to find a cure. The attack leaves Lauren, Eddie and Mikhail gravely injured and it can be traced back to the Broker; while it is still unclear what their deal with Vitali is, they now seem to be targeting him and his entire fixer network specifically.

[solradguy]

I know exactly how to write code doesn't work in HTML and CSS through the power of over 1000 Neocities page edits

[katya-goncharov]

applying for council tax benefits is so annoying because they never reply to emails so you don't know whether they'll send you a new bill in a couple of weeks or whether they haven't seen your email and if you don't pay up you're in Serious Trouble

[roostertuftart]

Look I dont think youre wrong about people not listening to jewish voices but I am uncomfortable with you advocating so strongly for some groups while being shitty with others like when you liked a post by a racist justifying their use of the nword in the past and never talked about it. Jewish people need to be spoken for but how you pick and choose is suspicious and you cant expect other people to admit their biases when you cant admit your own.

??? Are you seriously trying to say that my concern for someone who was clearly in the midst of a mental breakdown makes it so that I can't support another person trying to speak about how depictions of a character are somewhat problematic???? This is. pathetic but thanks for trying to word it in the most uncharitable way possible lol.

edit: god i definitely worded these tags aggressively so I'm probably gonna make a real apology though I'm not even certain I did what anon is accusing me of??? either way my aggression is more towards them for trying to twist this situation so grossly and not towards anyone genuinely affected by whatever I apparently did (And I am not denying I did... I genuinely don't remember but like... Yeah it was definitely not great on my part if I did what they're saying even if my intentions were different, and the fact that I'm unsure is evidence enough to me that I might have)

Moreover, i have a hunch this anon has sent me bait before and I think it's nasty they're trying to twist an issue about antisemitism into whatever stupid beef they have with me. like... nasty.

Final edit: Any more asks from this anon are being deleted. I wouldn't have even published this one but I feel like that would be sort of hiding any wrongdoing i may have done at any point, but I genuinely do not believe this person means anything they're saying and are only doing this because for whatever reason they do not like me. and I. do not care lol

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

ah well gosh hi???

in what i said was gonna be a one day break from, well, life tbh, i seemingly realized that i don't just have school coming SOON, but that i wasn't prepared to wake up at 2pm to find out i only have a few days left of total free time not spent struggling and stressing out over exams of all things

so like any average person i went and made plans with friends to hang out and get my mind off of everything- and while it was good while it lasted, i really wanted to be, yknow, clear

i have artworks at the ready, and if i ever become desperate enough to start getting a hang on drawing with a mouse all the time i might as well, but as things stand i really do not know what the heck i am doing-

i'll try my hardest to at least look for a way to fix the pen cause that's just the most important and expensive part of the damaged stuff, but i'm thinking the cable is perma-broke so i'll have to look for a way to replace it

to cut right to the chase: i have some art i can post. but i dunno when, if, or which to post because most of them have some context that i would've normally been all too eager to explain, but as things stand? man i don't think i could muster the energy to try

so? i dunno yall- i mean i could start writing again? i've entertained the idea long enough and this might be just the opportunity to finally get some practice without getting distracted by drawing :'D

i could do small stuff with a mouse if i feel like sharing some art, but the illustrations? i feel like i can only post those once i feel a bit more alive mentally and physically to interact with others without feeling so drained all the time (but knowing that school's coming, i can't really promise anything :'))

thanks a lot for the sweet words and patience guys- it means a lot that you won't immediately, idk, ditch this blog once you realize i might not post much if not at all (hopefully not gosh) for an undetermined amount of time? you really made me realize this wasn't as bad as my mind's been pushing me to think,

so trust me i WILL bounce back and reblog stuff and have entire essays in your tags eventually- i just need to stop feeling like it has to be today, or tomorrow, or any days afterwards, just that it will happen when i feel like it<3

[blujayonthewing]

me: okay we drew the Person in this drawing, great job, but now there's also Objects we still need to draw

my brain: ........ OR. we could draw. MORE people. KISSIN.

me: please,,

[spacedykez]

yknow how people just put a dot and then vent in tags for vent posts i should just start putting "i'm not fine" lyrics as the post cause. yeah thats just a whole mood.