#I doubt I'm even autistic at times because I don't feel the effects of it. but I undeniably am

[furiousgoldfish]

I have a question: So like uh... how can you be sure if you are traumatized? My mind keeps swapping between thinking I'm traumatized and thinking I just had a slightly weird childhood and I'm simply over-reacting like I always do. Also second question that is more optional and you might not know: If your parents are unable to save you from an unfortunate circumstance like say... a sister that is violent loud and angry to both you and the parents.... and you often were in distress from say... a sister that would scream hit and punch and took all the parent attention to them and left you alone and hiding in your room... then could that lead to you growing up with the same effect of neglect? I'm guessing you would want a more clear picture of what happened to answer either one of these question so here it is: My sister was and is (but way more stable) mentally ill. I spent most of my years in elementary from 2nd and up living in a house with somebody who can harass, mock, and sometimes hurt me at any moment. She did mostly calm stuff like only say "retard" to me for a stretch of time that feels infinite because I was autistic, and almost punch me but stop and make fun of me getting scared. Very rarely she would go above and beyond by trying to drown me over a dipute and locking me in her room and refusing to let me out because I couldn't fix her computer. I adapted though, I pretty much avoided my sister as much as I can until recently when she calmed down. One thing I could never escape though was the yelling, the screaming, the crying. Every time my sister would have a mental breakdown, which was a whole, whole, whole lot, she was loud and sometimes violent about it. I was hardly ever in the middle of it, I usually just hid in my room while being forced to hear my sister's screams and my parents trying to get her to stop with as little force as possible. It's hard to describe the emotions, and I can try all I want to make you understand what this was like but I won't ever succeed so I'll stop. My sister also tried to kill herself a lot and been in and out of the mental hospital a whole lot so there is that too. Also my parents were amazing, don't worry. The worst thing about my parents is that my dad is a bit emotional but he usually didn't engage with my sister when he could get angry so it hardly came up in a bad way but he did escalate a lot of situations. My Mom was understanding and calm and didn't really fight back against my sister but like... in a good way, it's hard to describe without you knowing my sister. Sorry for the slop of words, I was thinking about like 2 other things at once while typing this and I don't have the energy to correct anything.

You can be sure you're traumatized if you have trauma symptoms. Trauma symptoms can range from feeling low self worth, fear and anxiety around people or specific circumstances and events, struggling with feeling normal around people, struggling with thoughts of self doubt, self hate, severe guilt and shame for everything that was done to you, or what happened, to the more recognizable ones: flashbacks, nightmares, emotional flashbacks, panic and anxiety attacks, losing control over emotions, not being able to regulate emotions at all, feeling unstable, desperate and terrified of the past and feeling low feelings or even complete despair about the future. It's also visible in struggling to have close relationships, feeling like you have to keep secrets, like nobody would love you if they truly knew you, feeling uncomfortable with people being near you or touching you (non-threateningly), running into isolation to keep yourself safe, or finding safety in substances, obsessions, addictions. Trauma can also manifest in development of disorders like eating disorders, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, ocd, depression. There's a lot of more subtle symptoms, you can check this list to see if any of this applies to you: Link.

It's often that traumatized people feel like they might be over-reacting, which is caused by the low self worth mentioned above; people who have normal self worth and are not self-conscious about how their emotions might inconvenience others, thus they don't stop to think if they're over-reacting, and take their feelings at face value. If a feeling is there, it's there for a reason, and the reason is unlikely to be something you made up. Sometimes what people will see as over-reacting is simply reacting to a trigger; even if you feel like your reaction was exaggerated, it's because something in your brain reacted to prior trauma and felt the need to evoke strong reaction so you would protect yourself against this event repeating, as it traumatized you in the past.

For example, if someone reacts with terror to a dog, we'd call it an over-reaction, but if you then find out they were bitten as a child and almost died, then terror is completely appropriate. It's like that with emotional trauma too, if something damaged you so badly as a kid you felt like you would never recover, your brain will react with terror or very strong emotions, to make sure you stay away and keep yourself protected. So it's really just a logical reaction, if you consider the past event and what it did to your life.

The circumstances you lived in as a child definitely warrant a lot of trauma. You describe your sister's presence as an 'unfortunate circumstance', but I don't see even one hint that your parents put actual effort in protecting you. Two adults are absolutely able to pay attention to more than one child at the time, and it sounds like you got completely neglected, and left to make your own conclusions to why that is. And you decided that parents cannot be at fault, because they couldn't do any better. I believe they could, because no child has deserved to be ignored and left to endure insults, slurs, screaming, yelling, punching, mocking, harassment and hurt at any moment, without any protection or care. Your parents were responsible for protecting you, and caring for you at any moment that you might have gotten hurt. It doesn't matter if they had 'a lot on their plate', because you are a human being they were responsible for protecting, and they failed you.

I can think of many things that could have been done differently to protect you, your sister could have been put in a place where she couldn't reach you, you could have been in a presence of a parent or a caretaker at all times to make sure nobody can hurt you, you could have been put in someone else's care as soon as it was obvious that your sister was hurting you, you could have been asked about it and comforted and a different solution could have been reached in order to make sure you live your childhood protected from all this.

Having one child that is a lot to manage does not mean you can now ignore all your other children and leave them to be hurt consistently because 'you cannot be bothered to pay attention to all of your kids' Also it sounds like instead of handling the child that was causing violence, they were escalating the situation and making it worse for you. Leaving one child to lash out at another is unacceptable, and it is both neglect and abuse. Protection from abuse is a part of what your parents are responsible for, and they failed you. And I can see you care so much for their good image, you're protecting them even as you're trying to talk about how they left you to fend for yourself in a world where you were harmed. Imagine if they felt that kind of compassion for you, and ran to protect you whenever you were alone with someone who was hurting you. You're showing more care for them in here, than they did for you in your childhood.

This had to be really hard for you to read, and I'm sorry for being so blunt. I'm not trying to tell you how you should see them, I'm just angry that you were put thru so much, and it didn't have to be like that. You know your situation better than I do, and if I'm completely wrong about everything, that's completely possible and you do not have to accept my opinion, your own is more important. I hope you're never left to fend for yourself in a world where others are likely to hurt you, that's not okay for a child to go thru, and it's painful and traumatic to an adult as well.

[glngrbred]

Here's a legit hot take I am gay, and trans, And I highly doubt I was "Born this way"

so here's the context I always felt completely separate from the community around me, being school, mainly because i was undiagnosed Autistic (was born like that). Throughout my whole life I was ostracized by my peers, and made to feel different weather teachers or students meant to or not. When I went to middle school, I had already decided in my head that I was attracted to men, Because I found out about porn and was sort of afraid of women's bodies (i'll get to that). At the time, That middle school had developed a problem with children pressuring each other to identify as something, and there was a general fixation on sex (cuz its middle school) So, at the time I identified as Asexual, because my peers accepted that. Also because i didn't know how to feel/how i felt about attraction. On the attraction thing, I started googling stuff about atraction, because I wanted to figure mine out, Im like 90% sure me looking up gay porn and straight porn in my own time shaped my attraction. I disliked straight porn because they were mean to the women in it, and also i didnt understand women's bodies, and I liked gay porn because it seemed like everyone was having fun, also i liked the penises in both. And then i started liking jAking*off. to gay p0rn Part of my discovery of my Identity with being gay was just one day deciding that I would have more fun Identifying as a gay guy than I would a straight guy. And eventually I decided that I would come out the next time my brother was homophobic, to try and get him to stop being so crass. It worked.

On the trans Side of things, I was getting sort of bored of always being called a boy, and I envied the way people respected my trans friend's gender, witch is obviously a trans-coded thought process, and I realized that If someone told me that, I would think they were trans, so I'm trans now., So one day I just decided that having a pussy would be fucking sick, and then i effectively started socially transitioning.

Suddenly, My family Identified with me being Gay, and eventually Nonbinary, and since I use any pronouns they never struggle with my identity, and I'm just in a new box compared to everyone in my family, Hooray! now their perception of me fits my own!

My point is, If i had not been socially ostracized and made to feel different, I would not have Identified with being different. and sure Maybe one day I would've figured out I was queer in some way, If I even cared, Cuz ima be honest, If it wasn't against my identity and awkward in that way I'd be fine *Dating* women. And honestly, My life story In the AU where people were nice to me is significantly nicer and less anxiety inducing, so i wouldn't have felt the need to change my social position in order to fit other people's needs and fulfil my own social needs.

If any of that made you think I'm not really gay or trans, newsflash, I don't give a fuck, cuz i use she/her pronouns and it makes me happy, and I think men are hot, and that makes me happy. I'm happier as the weird social slop I fit myself into, over weird kid everyone bullies, and also people treat me significantly better now that i have an

✨✨Identity✨✨

Wild right? anyways I truly think that part being queer is just a social role/decision, and for me personally, that narrative fits :)

[crehador]

quickfire thoughts on fall 2023 now that everything i'm watching has had at least three eps out

EXCELLENT

sousou no frieren: still very easily anime of the season, beautiful in visuals and in story. a quiet, subtle look at loss and grief, and life continuing beyond that. the structure is working perfectly imo, it never feels like there are too many or not enough flashbacks, i feel connected at all times to both the present day party and the himmel-era party

migi to dali: still doing an exceptional job of balancing creepy and funny, i said before that the only thing i can think of with a remotely similar vibe is the movie hot fuzz and while i think there's a different flavor of comedy here, i still stand by that (and that's a compliment bc hot fuzz is an excellent movie)

kamonohashi ron no kindan suiri: although i wouldn't say this is mind-blowingly outstanding in any single way, it's very well-done in just about every conceivable way and comes together as an extremely solid series

BORDERLINE EXCELLENT

overtake: after four episodes i'm so tempted to put it with the 'excellent' shows but have to admit it's just not objectively on that level, it is subjectively one of my current favorites of the season though. silly at times, fairly simple story, but really effectively done so far

ADORABLE

s rank musume: feel like this one is largely going to slip through the cracks because it looks like your typical fantasy-action/adventure series, but doesn't stand out in that genre. the cute/soothing family moments are what stand out to me, but understandably that's not what most viewers of the genre are looking for. remains to be seen if a more action-y plot will build up, have doubts about how effective that will be

yuzuki-san chi no yon kyoudai: VERY CUTE with some very real moments and struggles, the cr subs debacle in the first ep however did it no favors

atarashii joushi wa dotennen: VERY CUTE i almost wish they'd cast literally anyone except umechan for shirosaki bc with him the similarities to cool doji danshi are just too much lmao however umechan is in fact perfect for this character so why not let him play it twice i guess

hoshikuzu telepath: moe yuri that isn't afraid to say rocket science is for autistic lesbians, what could be better?

wataoshi: YURI OF THE SEASON SORRY HOSHIKUZU TELEPATH HERE'S SOMETHING THAT COULD BE BETTER i actually would put these two on a similar tier but wataoshi gets the edge for me because rae is so unapologetically, exuberantly gay and that is just so nice to see

SEQUELS

houkago shounen hanako-kun: tragically only four half-length episodes but it's nice to see these kids again, ogata megumi's hanako voice just hits in a way the jjk yuuta voice doesn't, for me, so very glad to hear it again

arknights s2: i'm liking the art even more than i did in s1? not sure if it's actually changed/improved, and imo s1 was already good, but anyway just really enjoying seeing all the faves moving and speaking!

spy x family s2: still cute of course what more can i say

b-project s3: MAN I'M TORN i don't dislike this season (we are getting so many kitakore shots) but i am so stressed out for tsubasa and i just want to see her catch a break! i'm sure the season will end in an uplifting way, but all the stress she's under right now makes me want to punch things

dead mount death play s2: it was good and is somehow still getting better, s2e3 which just came out is one of the best yet imo

GOOD FOR THE ACTION BUT NOT TERRIBLY MUCH ELSE

undead unluck: i kind of... don't like anyone here lmao but the over-the-top, high-octane action is not badly animated, it's just not gripping me on any level beyond that. it does however have the op of the season

ragna crimson: again it's failing to get me really invested in the story/characters but the action is not bad i guess, cast for this one is absurdly stacked so i'm not going anywhere

shangri-la frontier: this one's doing a GREAT job with its pacing and action imo, it's introducing the game mechanics in a way that doesn't feel too fast or too slow. only issue is there really... doesn't seem to be any stakes? like at all? which is not a problem for me personally, it just feels a bit like we're waiting for another shoe to drop

WATCHABLE BUT...

bullbuster: i'm kind of vibing with this after three episodes but i really can't imagine it finding an audience, it's not mech enough to really appeal to mech fans and it's not... typical office drama enough to appeal to typical office fans. it's a strange little combo that just happens to work for me, personally

NOT GOOD BUT I LOVE IT

kawagoe boys sing: this is a ridiculous series, i would say not as wild as number24 but kind of getting there. like number24 but more vanilla, less homoerotic. i loved number24 and I'M LOVING THIS TOO there are some genuinely interesting characters already and though i still currently want to punt kick that teacher into the sun i remain cautiously optimistic that he'll see some character development. at some point. maybe

NOT GOOD. JUST NOT GOOD. SORRY.

bokura no ameiro protocol: really feels like some late-2000s/early-2010s male wish fulfillment dramedy. lots of weird and unnecessary het nonsense going on. honestly would consider dropping if it were 24 episodes but since it's only 12 i guess i'll stick it out. for kimuryo. who is unfortunately playing such a rancid character

[inhumanliquid]

"It's not abuse if it doesn't break any bones" and other lies you can tell yourself

An incoherent(?) ramble(?) about the effects of certain "punishments" from the perspective of someone who realizes they didn't turn out fine

I was hit and yelled at from the age of about two to a time I have no memory of. I wasn't even a bad kid, I just didn't understand social rules (autistic) and got upset easily (little kid).

All I remember from when it would happen was the pain and fear. I don't know what I did to make them so mad. That's a problem.

Because they never bothered to explain what I did wrong, I didn't get that what I did was bad. I assumed that they didn't love me and that I was irredeemable.

Once, I was hit just because I was crying because I got yelled at for no reason. My mother likes to threaten punishments for showing emotions pretty damn often for someone who claims she's okay.

They used to lock me in my room. Now I do it myself so others can't do it for me. I'd love to feel safe going out without being scared of being forcefully isolated again.

I grew up with horrible self-esteem issues as a result. I hated myself and assumed everyone else hated me, too. I was suicidal from the age of around five (which I only know due to a diary my mom bought me and decided it was perfectly fine to snoop through). I got yelled at for that, too. It made it worse.

I still can't trust my parents because of what they did. Loud noises, especially literally anyone yelling, cause me to have panic attacks. I hate being touched unless I personally initiate it or the other person asks very specifically if the form of physical affection they're looking for is okay because it makes me anxious. I'm unable to communicate effectively with others and quick to resort to verbal or physical violence because, believe it or not, it's hard to get past things you internalize as a little kid.

Part of why I refuse to even adopt a kid is that I'm scared of being like my parents. I don't want to make another human being feel like they're just an object for people to take their anger out on or to teach them to view others in that way.

Because of how my parents treated me, I struggle to maintain stable relationships. I blow things out of proportion and make them the problem of people who were never involved to begin with. People are either totally evil (my parents) or completely perfect (the few people who actually stay around that aren't obligated to) with absolutely no in-between. I'm not a person, but a ceramic doll that's been completely shattered and then shoddily glued back together without all the pieces because some of them were either turned to dust or simply lost.

I dissociate a lot. Usually, it's derealization (disconnection from the world) or depersonalization (disconnection from the self), but it's also things like feeling like someone else got yelled at or hit or locked in that room for simply being alive.

Tangentially related to that point is that I just... don't have an actual identity. I can’t even answer basic questions like what my favorite color is.

My name is anything but my deadname, and my pronouns are any but the ones associated with my agab... which could easily be because of the association I have with that specific name and those specific pronouns, so I doubt myself on my own gender identity.

I could give you a list of things I do to waste time and call them hobbies, but hobbies are something you enjoy. I don't really enjoy anything at all anymore.

Online strangers, like MatPat and some of my Tumblr mutuals, and various fictional characters are more like family than my parents have ever been, or ever will be. Because they're actually nice to me.

So maybe think twice before treating a kid like they're subhuman just because they're young.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

!!! Someone else who gets just about triggered by 'smoothsharking' of any kind.

Like im autistic and I dont get jokes like that well because im bad at 'lying as humor' and all smoothsharking sounds like to me is 'haha person who doesnt get a joke time to gaslight them instead of explaining the joke!'. It sounds like ableism dressed up pretty and fine because its a meme.

Id argue it IS gaslighting because its intentionally insisting to another person that something is what it isnt. The effect is just about the same as gaslighting, even if they dont explicitly intend to make us doubt reality.

Id see people post 'of course being mean to people who doing get jokes is wrong, always explain the joke uwu' and like 5 posts later do a smoothshark so many times its unreal.

The joke is explicitly meant to come at autistic folks ('its to make fun of joyless assholes who insist on correcting you about things, especially jokes because they arent accurate') like thats literally autistic folks... do they not realize?

The joke isnt explicitly meant to attack those who have problems staying firmly in reality (dissociative or psychotic issues and such), but it is VERY unfriendly to them.

Its just so frustrating to try to explain or ever talk about this or even talk about things in a very serious context and have 500 people come smoothshark you on purpose even though they know it upsets you.

Its vile. The joke is just ableism and im just so tired of it. I dont feel safe seeing those fucking jokes I wish it would die already.

The person who started it had good intentions probably, but what its become is just socially acceptable ableist abuse.

Hmm. I'm not sure I entirely agree? I'm pretty firmly in the camp of "don't attribute things to malice when negligence will do". I think this joke was likely *meant* to be wielded against "people who absolutely need to have the last word". That....unfortunately includes a lot of people who aren't as likely to understand they have the option to bow out of the encounter. This is not a recipe for happy times for anyone. I'm...not really interested in litigating who's experience of being collaterol damage to comedy is worse/more immediate on this one.

But yeah, I think that the total devotion to the bit created some real conflicting access needs around the bit that did not need to be there. And I definitely experienced (and saw) people using it on purpose in ways that seemed really intentionally mean spirited rather than collectively entertaining. This was a bad combination because, as always, it very easily made "why can't you take a joke" a plausibly deniable dismissal of any time the bit was taken too far or used cruelly. Good cover for those who rely on social conventions to escape consequences for doing harm.

[saintgeniushero]

My husband weaponizes his autism to call me ableist every time he doesn't get his way. I know this sounds like, say, a white person saying that a black person weaponizes his race, but I have made a continuous effort to get along with him, but at this point, I think he's just being a jerk on purpose because he wants to divorce me and doesn't have the heart to ask me. I think he has a kind of mental problem that he won't let me help him with, be it depression, extreme anxiety, his chronic pain driving him crazy, i don't know. But regardless of whatever medical problems he may have, mental or physical, it is just not fair for him to treat me the way he treats me when I make so much loving effort. Today I came back from work and said "Hello, how was your day?" and he responded "your fucking food in the fridge [kimchi from H-Mart] smells disgusting!". I know autistic people tend to have stronger sense of smell, but it's not the first time I buy kimchi. I smell absolutely nothing, so I considered the possibility that he might be psychologically triggered, but I give him the benefit of the doubt of course. Maybe he does smell something. Sure! I believe him! Now, what can we do to address the problem? He immediately says "I'm going to throw out all your food in the fridge when you are at the gym". He gets paid more than double of what I make, and I get paid by the hour, not a salary, and he never stocks up the fridge. I cannot afford to have my expensive food that I bought with my hard earned money, trying to eat healthy, to be wasted. Couldn't we put it in a Ziploc bag maybe? What works for you? Let's problem-solve! In the end, both in his eyes and in the eyes of society, I'm always going to be the evil, ableist, cold, jerk of a husband. I was sent home early from work today (losing 2 paid hours) because I was sick (but I still went to work!). My managers saw that I wasn't feeling 100% in the morning. I still went to my 2nd job in the afternoon, only to come back home to be yelled at. Huh. Funny how even my managers at work have more empathy for me than my husband. And what's the other side of the story? Well, as soon as you hear his side (told in his words), you'll be convinced I'm the evil guy, so I'm just relaying the facts I think are important to me. He would probably say something like "He makes the house smell like asshole and I'm literally holding my puke all the time" and people will respond "Damn, that guy must be a real slob!". That's the effect he has on people... And as I write this, he is taking my kimchi out of the fridge and putting it next to the window in hopes that the smell he detects will disappear. It's winter up here with -4°C currently, so the hope is that the cold will keep the kimchi good... he has this thing where he makes an enormously huge deal about small things, which is not normal and it's why I often attribute it to his autism. People with autism in the media are often portrayed like this: Like horrible people, but we forget about their condition. Elon Musk has Asperger's like my husband and nobody talks about it. They just talk about how horrible and radical he is.

[milkywaystarboy]

it's so weird ending a relationship you've been in for multiple years. introduced them to family, they took your last name, you thought that this was a fixture. immutable.

change happens regardless. it's a hard realization to come to, that you're not the same people you were and that as such you're not a good fit as a couple any more. honestly, the new understanding of myself that i gained over the years is what made it harder to accept the change that was happening and act on it.

i have learned that i'm autistic with a pda profile, i have adhd, i'm part of an o.s.d.d. system, and i'm chronically ill/physically disabled. the process of setting aside time for myself to unpack *all* of that trauma; the effects those things have, individually and comorbidly, on me and the way i exist in this world; it has been one of the most tumultuous times of my life. and when i needed support - when i was stumbling through all of this, knocking my knees on half-submerged memories and desperately trying to patch up old wounds - i received none from my spouse.

it's not fair to say that neither of us tried. they tried to engage me as i was drifting, that's true. and i tried to find ways to bridge the gap and offer solutions to the problems they placed before me. however, they ultimately didn't accept the solutions. it was too much reliant on them, they said; too much work on only their part, and it was bad and scary to try to communicate. alright.

((i try not be bitter about how easy it was for them to work through trauma so they could have sex, but when it came to working through trauma to communicate effectively with their spouse, that was asking too much. i try very hard not be bitter about it, and i usually fail every other day. but sometimes i don't. that's progress i think.))

in unmasking my autism, i have also unmasked us as a whole system. skill regression leading to doubt of identity and ability, do i even know what it is to love? to love romantically? have i always been in this much physical pain? especially with a pda profile - pathological demand avoidance, or pervasive drive for autonomy - realizing that i've been in fight or flight mode for my entire life with no reprieve is both exhausting and relieving, in a way. i understand many things better now, and i can take steps to care for myself better, be true to myself. but it's not without its struggles.

it scares me that my adhd makes me forget about people. that if i don't talk to them actively, every day, they fade from the forefront of my thoughts. i know that without the expectations that society puts on us, i could not speak to someone for years and come back to find them and feel the same as if nothing had changed. still view them as a friend; still fall into the easy pattern of comfort and familiarity. but other people aren't like that. they assume that because things have gone quiet, the relationship has eroded.

it has taken work but i have made a few steps towards bein more present for the people i care about. sendin an emoji or a simple message, just to check in, to let them know i thought of them. am always thinking of them. it feels like stepping against the tide. wading upstream. it feels like working against what is natural for me but if it's what i have to do to keep the people who still care about me then i will do it.

i think about the videos i sent to my ex about autism and what pda is, how it affects my interaction with the world. i didn't have the words before this year to describe what was going on or ask for help, but as soon as i did, i tried to communicate it. i don't know if they ever watched any of them, or cared to understand them. i know there were things i could have done better... but there were things they could have done better, too.

we ended things mutually over a month ago. it is so hard to watch them be easily and happily affectionate with their boyfriend and girlfriend. it hurts to see their last name changed to his on their packages. it makes me bitter to realize thks is what they've had the whole time, while i've had nothing. ((i am less better about it with each day that passes; is that progress?)) it stings to feel like i'm the one expected to apologize and admit i fucked up, while they keep piling accusations on me and never admitting to their own mistakes.

but every day, i heal a little bit. i am shown that i deserve the things i desire and that there are people who will give it to me. people who communicate with me wholeheartedly and honestly, to the exhaustive degree required by my nature. i believe a little more that i can find true contentment.

[c0smicfern]

not saying this is evidence of anything. in fact, it may well be the opposite in some regards. but i've been having more difficulty... talking? i sort of forgot how effortful it used to be for me, but it seems that my ability to talk is heading in that direction again. i don't know if that's just because my current job is sort of toxic to my overall functioning, or if it may be due to some side effect from the medication. additionally, the issues that i experienced with... volume regulation(?) / social anxiety(?) as a child have returned. meaning, not only has talking *in general* become somewhat more difficult (i can still do it, but it's annoying how much i have to *force* myself for anything that isn't scripted at my work), but also speaking loudly enough for other people to actually *hear* me has become a struggle again. i think it's more likely to be due to social anxiety, but i honestly feel like the medication had been helping with that? maybe i was wrong. i just feel myself slowly getting worn down again, which doesn't inspire confidence! if it's just adhd, i should be able to do these things!! i'm not even working full-time!! i keep going back to this thought, "if they can do it, why *the fuck* can't i?" i've just gotten so much worse. it's like... only a few years ago i had been building my skills to deal with normal daily life & made great strides, i thought. i was working... roughly what i'm working *now*, took much harder courses than the ones i'm doing now, and i still made time for my interests. and i was fine! more than fine, i was fucking *happy*. i felt good & dealt with the things life threw my way. now, i get home from work & i feel too exhausted to really do anything. that's unacceptable. if they can do it, i should be able to as well. i can. i just need my brain to *fucking cooperate*. i can't keep working my full, scheduled shifts, go home, lay down, fight myself to make dinner, maybe watch something, and then go to bed. can't keep getting through the work week only to feel exhausted & fight with my brain over using my weekend to do the things that i should have been doing all week vs. what *it* wants to do & just use the time to engage with my interests bc i couldn't find the energy during the work week. i don't know what's going on with me, but i've gotten *so much worse*. in high school, i was working... pretty much full-time & still made time for homework AND my interests. i guess the difference is that i'm an adult now & have *slightly* more responsibilities than i did then. but i don't think i could do what i did then, now. i feel... basically like i did in middle school. struggling to manage what few responsibilities i have, struggling to fucking *talk*, hating myself & wishing i could be *anybody else*. i used to be so much more. my overall life experience has been slowly building myself up, so i could barely measure up to what i'm supposed to be. didn't realize that all of that would come crashing down by literally *continuing to do the things that i should be able to do* & not taking breaks from being a normally functioning person. i'm not even autistic. i haven't been feeling especially depressed recently, either. yet, i'm getting worse *again*. will this shit never fucking stop? i need to be a normally functioning person. there is nobody in the entire world that will hold me up if i continue to fail at this. everybody expects me to be able to do these things, so i need to. that's all. no room for doubt or struggle, *only* execution. so, ultimately, i'll continue on until i can't. as hard as it's become in recent years.

[cat-sapphics]

i made a post the other day [touching briefly on how neurotypical activism for autistic people's "unacceptable" behaviors feels fake when we take on a special interest they don't like], but i'd like to expand on what i meant by how much more it especially hurts when other neurodivergent (especially autistic, but allistic ADHDers too) act the same way in favor of looking "morally correct." like, obviously it would be unfair to tell someone they can't dislike the dsmp (idc if they support it or not), but to frown upon it as someone else's special interest and forbid them from... y'know... avoiding harassment on the internet over enjoying it just hurts, because you of all people should understand that special interests & hyperfixations are things we can't just *stop* or *disassociate from* or *let go of* or *turn our backs on*, especially overnight, yeah?? because we get told to do that all the time like it's an easy switch "for the sake of the minorities we're 'hurting'" and it's just so infuriating; i wish they understood us even if they are us (or claim they are). i mean, if you see an autistic person enjoying something that they're obviously innocently passionate about and just want to focus and ramble on, i don't see how telling them what awful and inconsiderate (and sometimes "privileged" ???) human beings they are solves a problem rather than causes one. these types of people act like individual consumption of entertainment content indirectly (or not even) related to "cancel-worthy" actions and/or sayings by irrelevant influencers contributes to all the bad things in the world when it just... doesn't. and i'm tired of the shaming and guilt-tripping that comes with interacting with ignorant people who are only unsupportive of such media to control what others do and how it makes them feel, Regardless of what minority groups i'm a part of and what "rights" i have as a (supposedly) offended person to access it without criticism unless i'm also deeply critical and offensive towards it. it makes total sense why said affected minorities' voices would take first priority, but logically, gatekeeping opinions from "privileged" or "unaffected" (in quotes because it's situational) people doesn't actually do anything effective.

my point is, with the continuously rising number of people who contribute to this one-way style of critical thinking stigmas around certain types of media, i feel unsafe sharing my special interests under positivity posts dedicated to exactly that unless i know for sure that the blog in question is accepting of all special interests like they should be. i'm autistic, so i see another fellow autistic say that they support and love hearing all special interests, and i assume they mean that literally. is that not logical? and then there are such blogs who DO explicitly state that they hate dsmp fans or whatever, and it's like... why? why be contradictory to the very purpose of the blog you're running if you're supposed to be welcoming and open to that? i understand maybe having that DNI on a more personal blog but for that it just doesn't make sense. i think making the choice to run or lead a positive community space should be for the other people and not for you, obvious sensible other personal boundaries aside.

i think *this* is what i was really trying to say in my horribly-written [extension post] to that afterwords (which you're free to read for more context and detail, but this post here explains it way better imo js). *this* is the type of thing that makes me feel internally with doubt like i'm just vicitimizing myself for undeserved sympathy because i was taught for so long on twitter that advocating for yourself in the face of general dissent against you means you're the bad guy who deserves to see hell. if anything, i can admit to my personal rejection-sensitive dysphoria/disorder (RSD) playing into why i made this post, but even then it's really nothing reasonable to challenge me over. if you've been following me for a while and wonder why my posts about dsmp antis are so confident, careless, and petty, this post is exactly why. i've been avoiding calling it all "ableist" because i know damn well that term gets thrown around far too often and carelessly, but in my opinion, refusing to let autistics show their true nature of being autistic even when you don't personally support it is just that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ THAT ALONE, i'm willing to debate about here, and i'd probably just straight-up agree with you after maybe deleting this part if you make a considerably strong argument (must be respectfully), but i thought i'd mention that i know that specific little take might not be popular and i'm not closed off to it, as stubborn as i always am.

and if you read this post with the prior-existing thought going in that i'm just whining about people who criticize things like the dsmp (whether you think they're right to do so or not), you are reading it completely wrong while entirely missing the point. and if you *say* something to me about it in that manner where i'll see it in my notifications, i will virtually fucking slap you and you'll deserve it. don't care. if y'all weren't so willfully ignorant and frustrating to reason with, i wouldn't be so tired and unsympathetic overtime as a result.

again, i used the dsmp as a prime example here, but it is really supposed to just be a general post that applies to anything you can think of tbh. :P

similar posts if you're curious and have the time: [X] [X]

[wigglebox]

May I ask how did you go about with your adhd diagnosis? Or what even made you realize to ask about being tested? If it's okay to ask cause if you don't want to talk about it, it's also okay and understandable:)

hi nonny! <333

uh so okay so like, i think really it was like my first few years of therapy [i started in 2011] i don't know how it got brought up but i think it was one of those confluence of events things. i think my primary therapist had mentioned it all while i was telling her i was thinking about growing up and school and how much of a disaster college was for me, and that combined with —

in 2013 Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder/Selective Eating Disorder was added to the DSM. i think it was after or around the same time I was in my first eating disorder therapy journey but the therapist at the time i don't think really understood it or knew much about it. i also have anorexia, but not nervosa, just where I stop eating sometimes either due to stress or just... because I don't want to eat anymore.

in believe it was 2015 when my primary therapist mentioned it, and we looked at it together, and then I went home and did some research and in that research I saw studies and online pieces talking about eating disorders in general pairing up with ADHD, like, if you're ADHD or are autistic you have a higher chance of also developing an eating disorder.

so like that had really stuck in the back of my mind for the following years and I tried operating under the assumption that I had it but it turns out it's hard to do that when you don't really know, because I'm crippled with doubt a lot of the time [like, what if it's something else? what if this is just a normal brain and I'm just deeply uncomfortable or something?]

after like, two years of my therapist going 'ask your psychiatrist to give you a recommendation' I finally asked her and she referred me to a hospital that specialized in that kind of thing. so I was able to make an appointment, and was tested forrrr I think between 4-5 hours. i really just REALLY just wanted an official diagnosis. i had to put my mind at ease. i had taken the online tests and surveys but like, that's a survey or a test set up by someone online that i don't know who they are or their qualifications, and that wouldn't really settle my 'i need to know' itch.

so after the test, the doctor came back in with the data and gave me the lay of the land, saying based on the results, I was ADHD-Inattentive. This also enabled me now to feel comfortable asking for medication [which, the first attempt didn't work out so great, and the second attempt didn't work out so great because it was with the same medication lol, but the third try is going well! never be afraid to ask to change your meds if you don't feel like they're working as well as they possible can or if your side effects are too discomforting]

it took a while to build up to get tested, and women often aren't tested when they're younger because we don't tend to be as hyperactive, if at all, and i kept that in mind before being tested, like "well if i was ADHD certainly someone would have noticed by now" but no. no one noticed. my father once told me i didn't have adhd, i was just bad at communication — so it's things like that i feel like invalidates our theories about own own self and makes us feel like we're blowing things out of proportion and shouldn't get tested.

but, if you're able to, totally get tested. it's hard to find someone sometimes, and it can be expensive — but the peace of mind it gave me hearing someone who studied this their entire life finally give me a diagnosis that explained SOOOO much of my life... i was really grateful for that. i perferred in person because i knew who i was talking to, what his background was, i was in a solid testing environment, and he was able to explain what it meant for me and how my brain worked and broke down my results for me.

but it sucks because not everyone has access to this kind of testing and it can just be so difficult. so nonny if you're thinking about it, and you're able to, it's 100% worth it just for the peace of mind alone.

[tthael]

(2/2) filter, he still would have been bullied bc the people who bullied him would have just picked something else to make fun of. Like, I'm autistic, I was never really bullied and that's bc the people around me weren't bullies. That's the only surefire way to escape that, and that's something the Toziers in your fic clearly don't get.

Yeah. The solution to stop bullying in schools is not “XYZ ways to defend yourself from bullies,” it’s “don’t bully people.” And until that can be effected, here we are.

Like, if you look at Ben in the book--Henry Bowers decided to pick Ben to cheat off of, because Ben happened to be sitting next to him. We presume that Bowers knew that Ben was good in school, because Ben loves school and is a bit of a teacher’s pet, but I doubt Bowers would have singled Ben out to cheat off of him if Ben had been all the way across the room. And when Ben refused--actually I can’t remember if Ben refused to let him cheat, or if he tricked him in some way, because I’m having flashbacks to reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid--Bowers decided to punish him on the day report cards came out, because only then were the consequences of Bowers’ academic performance catching up to him.

So what if Ben hadn’t been the kid in question? What if he’d been sitting across the room?

Well, then the choice would have come down to some other kid--to let Henry Bowers cheat or not cheat. And if the kid refused, no doubt Bowers would have chased him and assaulted him the way that Bowers attacked Ben. Maybe this situation doesn’t boil down as neatly to “attack the other kid” the way that a lot of these victim-blaming statements do, but you see what I mean?

The Bananaheels incident was probably not the first time that Richie was targeted by Bowers and his gang. It was also probably not the last time. We don’t know the circumstances of any of those other incidents. What we do know, is that (generally) physically beating people is wrong, and Bowers was wrong to do it.

I don’t know if the Toziers focus on Richie’s actions because of the expense of replacing glasses, or because they have some control over Richie and not over Bowers, or if they’re just super self-actualizing people and think that because they have great autonomy their child must also. But the way that they responded to Richie was not fair, and the way that they respond to Richie in Indelicate is not fair, and Richie is still bitter and messed up about it, because that’s what prolonged injustice does to you. So he picks a fight with his parents and then gets existential with Eddie later.

I guess I’m dwelling on this one a little more because I’ve gotten such wonderful positive feedback about my portrayal of the Toziers in Indelicate, but not a lot of commentary about how they totally invalidate Richie’s justified concerns and even after Eddie shows off his stab wound and Went looks in Eddie’s mouth like he’s inspecting a horse, neither of them really acknowledges that Richie was right. I’m also looking forward to returning to the Toziers’ house in the near future of Indelicate and seeing how much of this feels appropriate to dredge up.

[xeno-aligned]

I'm honestly not sure how I identify, I know I'm not a female or female aligned. I'm a demonkin and autistic and those both effect my gender. I've cycled through so many terms my head is spinning and I'm just so lost and frustrated and overwhelmed. I know I don't need a label but at the same time I Need One™️ if that makes any sense. (Sorry I'm having a meltdown) -🎃👻

i know exactly how you feel. it’s frustrating and overwhelming and uncomfortable. here are some terms that you might feel useful, but remember that it’s ok to have as many labels as you want, and that it’s also ok to not be sure of what label you identify with! i hope you feel better soon!

Autigender / Autisgender: When a person’s gender, or understanding of gender, is impacted by their autism.

Kingender:  A catch-all term used to describe people whose gender(s) are related to them being otherkin, or are somehow influenced by it.

Demongender: Your identity as a demon kin and/or demonolater is strongly tied to your gender identity.

Daimogender: When you feel your gender is closely related to demons or the supernatural. This is not exclusively for demonkin, though if anyone uses it, the coiner would like them to be involved in supernatural things. A person does not require dysphoria to be Daimogender. Derived from the word “daimon,” which was the original greek word for “demon.”

Daegender: A gender that feels demonic or evil in nature, can be associated with a gender or be a gender all itself. Someone could be daeboy/daegirl/daenby or just daegender.

Daederic: A gender that feels demonic and/or unholy. it’s the polar opposite of seraphaeic. This gender can be masc aligned, fem aligned, unaligned, etc.This gender can be used by anyone, but was created with demonkin in mind

Xumgender: Never being satisfied with your gender due to constant self-doubt or identity issues, causing one to compulsively search and seek out something that fits as perfect as possible–to find “the gender” or “the one truth”–though one will never be found due to one’s neurotype, because words will never be able to describe it, and/or its own properties paradox itself. This frequent anxiety and doubt even causes this gender to feel imperfect to the individual.

Implagender / Inexgender: Never being satisfied with your gender due to constant self-doubt, causing one to search and seek out something that fits as perfect as possible. (Similar to Xumgender, but not neurodivergent-exclusive).

Pendogender: Never being satisfied with your gender no matter how well it fits due to self-doubt, causing one to compulsively search and seek out something that fits even better. Gender perfectionism. This term is exclusive to neurodivergent people only, specifically coined with people with anxiety disorders, OCD, and OCPD in mind.