#I finally don't want to kill myself anymore and accept myself for me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chyckles · 9 months

Text

Mastermind

━ A Bucky Banes one-shot

━ Pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

━ Summary: Where you plan a masterplan to confess your feelings for Bucky.

━ Words: 2.6k

━ Warnings: None, just my bad grammar

━ A/N: Nat is alive in this one, just wanted a little AU were everyone is happy and alive.

masterlist

Bucky isn't in his best mood. Actually, he's been in a bad mood lately, at least when he's with you. So you know that you should wait until he seems better to put the plan into action. But you just can't wait anymore, you've been having a pretty bad week yourself, and you need to get it out of your chest just yet, or it may end up killing you.

So, arming yourself with courage, you approach him that night. He seems to be doing nothing, just scrolling boringly through his phone. He looks cute, using both of his hands to hold the phone, just like old people.

"Hey, Buck" you say when you enter his range of vision.

He looks up from his phone, he doesn't look startled, probably heard you entering the room with his super-soldier ear.

"Hey" he says, and goes back to his phone. For a man who wasn't born in this century, he seems to enjoy new technologies.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure" he says, even though he looks pissed. You don't understand why he's acting so strange around you lately, maybe you really shouldn't be doing this.

You sigh.

"So... I was planning on watching a movie with Nat, but she just went on a mission. Do you... want to watch it with me?" you ask quickly, like if you say it fast enough the words would change or something.

"I'm busy" he simply says, frowning. He doesn't look busy at all.

You look around as if looking for something or someone that's keeping him busy. You, of course, don't find anything, so you nod sadly and turn around "Okay, I'll ask someone else"

Great, the plan hasn't even begun and you have already failed. You feel stupid. Why would a man like Bucky Barnes be interested in you? You're just a normal woman, there are plenty of better options out there, even inside the team.

As you approach the door, you feel the pain of rejection wash over you. Bucky and you were always close friends, but lately, he's been acting all cold and weird with you. Maybe he found out you like him and is trying to push you away? That's the only thing that makes sense, and it hurts you. It hurts you because not only are you losing the man you have feelings for, but you're also losing a great friend.

"Wait" you hear Bucky's voice when you reach the door.

"Mhm?" you ask, turning around, he's now standing.

"You know what? A movie sounds great" he says with a nod.

You can't help but smile "Really? Cool. I was thinking of a horror movie, but if it's not your thing we can watch something else. You know, if you get scared easily?" you tease.

You're beginning to regret teasing him, now that your relationship is not at its best, but then he smiles:

"Yeah, I think I can handle myself, horror sounds good"

You nod, now excited "Great, I'll make some popcorn a prepare some drinks, we'll have fun"

"Sounds good"

You nod with a smile "You can choose the movie while I prepare everything. Choose a good one"

With that being said, you start to walk to the kitchen.

Now your plan can begin. To be completely honest, you didn’t have anything prepared with Nat, you just needed an excuse so you didn’t sound so desperate about it. You have everything planned: first, you will confirm if Bucky likes you, with subtle touches and light words. Then, you will finally confess your feelings. You just hope you don’t embarrass yourself.

Since he’s been so rude to you lately, you’re not so sure about the plan, but what can you do? Just stay there, watching him from a distance, but never making a move? You’re not like that, you have to do something, or you may combust. At least you have to find out if he likes you back, or if his sudden behavior with you is because he doesn't like you anymore, even as a friend. At least he has accepted to watch the movie, that has to mean something. Right?

With that in mind, you grab the popcorn and the drinks and make your way to the living room. Bucky is already there, scrolling through a streaming service with a frown on his face.

“Hey” you leave everything on the table and smile at him. He doesn’t smile back, just nods while you sit down next to him. Why is he being so reserved? You really don’t understand.

You can’t help but notice that he’s sitting in a way that his metal arm is not facing you, how convenient.

“So… have you chosen a movie yet?” you say as you eat popcorn.

“No, still trying to think what to pick” he says, turning his face back to the TV.

"Anything's fine, really. It doesn't have to be a masterpiece (horror movies normally aren't)"

“Alright” and his eyes linger on yours, maybe longer than he intended. You can’t help but notice and smile.

Then he chooses a random movie and press play. He makes himself comfortable and you catch him looking at you. Is he looking at you with happiness, discomfort or something more? You can’t tell, his face is indecipherable.

You turn away from him, you don’t want to make it so obvious that you like him, not before putting your plan into action. So you stare at the movie, but you can still feel his eyes looking at you from time to time.

The movie plays and you’re too nervous to make a move. You sigh, now unsure about everything.

Then, the perfect moment for your plan occurs. There’s a jump scare in the movie. You’re not scared at all, but you jump a little and hold his hand, wanting to see his reaction.

His face doesn't change, but you can feel his body stiffening. Maybe he doesn’t like you after all? Maybe this was a bad idea? Maybe you’re making a fool of yourself?

But then he squeezes your hand and looks at you with a reassuring smile. All the doubts leave your mind when you see that smile that you love so much, when you feel his hand around yours, comforting you.

First part of your plan: done. He didn’t back off, he didn’t look at you like you’re crazy or called you out.

It still didn’t mean anything, right?

You continue watching the movie, and you proceed with the second part of the plan. This is a little more risky, but you assure yourself that it’s worth it. You fake yawn a few times.

Finally, you, slowly, rest your head on his shoulder.

He doesn't move, maybe even being a little more frozen than he normally would be. You smile, this is a good sign, right? You wish you could see his face, or read his mind.

You continue watching the movie like this, resting your head on his shoulder and still holding his hand. There’s nowhere in the world where you wish to be more than here.

You still have more things in your plan, but the movie ends before you can make them happen. You finally separate from him, your body hot where he was touching you.

“Hmm, not the best movie I’ve watched, but entertaining enough, right?” you ask with a smile.

“Yeah, it wasn’t bad” he nods.

He looks at his hands, you can feel he’s nervous. Is that a good sign or a bad one? You can’t tell.

“I should get going” he suddenly says.

You feel disappointed.

You still haven’t decided if you’re gonna confess or not. He didn’t react bad to any of your moves, but you still feel unsure. What if he sees you just like a friend? What if you ruin your friendship? Then again, your friendship hasn't been in its best stage lately, you wouldn't be ruining anything.

You decide to do it. You just can’t stand this feeling. Looking at him, being close to him, but not being able to kiss him, to touch him… it’s just so painful.

“Got somewhere better to be?” you finally ask.

“Not really” he says “But… I should go. Thanks for the movie, tho”

He stands up and starts walking away.

“Wait” you say. You can’t just let him go like that, you may not have another chance like this, where you two are alone “Wait, I… need to tell you something, can you sit down for a minute?”

“Alright” he says with a confused frown, but he does as you say and sits down again.

You swallow nervously, unsure where to start. You decide to start with the beginning:

"I... I kind of lied to you. I wasn't planning on watching a movie with Nat, I haven't even seen her since yesterday. I... planned all of this to spend time with you" you confess "Alone time with you" you specify.

“You did?” he asks. He seems confused.

“Mhm, and you know why?” This is it, you’re gonna say it.

“Why?” he asks softly.

“Because I like you” you finally confess.

The room falls completely silent. Bucky is apparently frozen. You are too.

You try to look into his eyes, looking for a sign. But he’s not looking at you.

“Well? You don’t have anything to say?” you chuckle nervously.

"I..." he stutters before he manages to get his voice back. “I like you too."

You sigh and laugh with relief "Really? I mean, I..."

“Yeah, I really do” This time he looks at you, and you can finally see his eyes. They’re shining, you have never seen them like that, you have never seen them as beautiful “I like you a lot”

You smile and lean in towards him. You look at his lips and then at his eyes, like begging him to kiss you.

You are so close… so close you can feel his breath. So close he can probably hear your fast heartbeat. “Kiss me” you whisper.

You don’t have to ask twice, he closes the space between you and kisses you. His mouth presses against yours, soft and gentle at first, then more firmly, with a hunger that has been growing for too long. His hand travels to your waist, holding you; and yours goes to his hair, holding him even closer to you.

It feels like you two are melting into each other, his body pressed against you, every inch being touched. It feels almost surreal, almost magical.

Your tongues meet and you both let out a murmur of joy. Everything is perfect, this is how things should be.

You grab all the courage you have left and make your way towards his lap, putting each leg on either side of him. He lets it happen. Your legs are now wrapped around him, making it impossible to be closer.

He now holds you with both his arms, probably without thinking about it. Both the warm and the cold sides of him make you feel whole.

You finally separate from him to catch your breath, he seems to be just fine, tho.

He then smiles shyly, like you just did not kiss fiercely a second ago.

“I’m glad you told me”

“Yeah, I’m glad too” you say with a smile.

He shifts, making himself more comfortable, before he looks into your eyes with a smile "I… how long has it been that you feel this way about me?"

You raise your eyebrow, confused by the sudden question, but decide to answer:

“I think I liked you since the moment I met you, since the moment I saw that pretty face framed by that long hair" you laugh, and he blushes a little, making you blush too "But I thought I just liked you as a friend, I didn't realize what my feelings were until a few weeks ago, you know, after that mission... when you were injured, and I thought..."

“You thought what?”

“That I was gonna lose you” you confess and that makes him smile sweetly. Your right hand travels to his cheek and start caressing it "Yeah, and in that moment it hit me: I didn't want you as a friend anymore, I wanted to hold you, to take care of your injury, to kiss you until you feel better”

After a moment of comfortable silence you ask:

“What about you? When did you start to have feelings for me?"

He seems to think about it for a moment, maybe contemplating if he should tell you.

"Do you remember when I told you I was having nightmares about the time I was tortured by HYDRA?"

“Yeah, that night neither of us could sleep?”

"Mhm, well... in that moment, when you comforted me... when you were there for me... I knew then. That was when I realized how much I liked and cared for you, more than any friend or teammate ever before."

You smile softly "That was a while ago, you should've told me sooner"

“I thought you would never feel the same way about me, though you were just being kind, like any friend would”

“That’s funny, I’ve been avoiding telling you because of the same reason” you chuckle slightly.

“I guess we’re both stupid”

“Yeah… But, anyways, I have a question… why were you being so… why were you avoiding me lately?” you didn’t wanna say the word ‘mean’.

“Oh, you notice?” he says, and you can feel embarrassment in his voice “I just… it hurted me being around you, but not being able to… you know… kiss you or…” he rambles.

You smile and kiss him again, this time the kiss is soft and short.

When you separate, you can’t help but laugh out loud with the thoughts that cross your mind.

“God, Nat is not gonna believe I told you”

“What? You've been telling Nat about me?" he raises an eyebrow.

“Of course, she’s my friend” you smile.

"Right, right. What else did you tell her?” he asks. Is he teasing you?

"Oh, nothing, really. Just rambling about how beautiful I think you are... you know, that kind of things girls talk about" you say caressing his cheek. That makes him blush again "I think she would be relieved that I finally confessed, because now I can tell you instead of her, she was getting irritated" you chuckle.

He chuckles too, probably imagining Nat pissed about you rambling about him. The thought of it is just too ridiculous.

"Did you always plan to confess to me at some point then?" he asks.

“Of course, I always have to make the first move” you joke.

"So, you really planned all of this? Not just the movie, but the whole confession as well?" he smirks.

"Yeah, the movie was just to make sure you liked me too. You know, holding your hand and all that... I'm a mastermind"

“And I guess that means you'll be making the first move the rest of the time as well?"

"Of course" you smile evilly.

"Of course," he mimics back. "Well, I guess I'll just have to get used to you taking charge then."

He smiles back at you in the same way you did and leans forward so that his face is close to you again.

"What are you planning next?" he hints with a smirk.

"Well, I was planning on asking you to be my boyfriend?" you ask with a sly smile.

"Be your boyfriend?" he repeats with a teasing smirk. "Did you plan that as well? Is this the next step in the mastermind's plan?"

"Mhm, is it working? Would you say yes?"

"Yes," he suddenly answers, not wasting any time. "I'll be your boyfriend."

"Great" you say and then give him a quick kiss.

"And now that I'm your boyfriend, what are our next steps?"

"I have to keep that a secret, don't want to spoil my masterplan" you wink.

"I should've known," he says, laughing softly. "Always a step ahead, isn't it?"

"Always" you chuckle.

150 notes · View notes

ofstarsandvibranium · 1 year

Note

if it’s not too much to ask (🥺) could you do a reader who’s best friends with Colin and he teases her about her crush on Jamie and tries to get them together? If not, NO WORRIES. Your stuff is so 🥰

(this ended up being a lot longer than I intended...whoops!)

You and Colin grew up together. You were two peas in a pod, the thickest of thieves. You knew everything about each other. You were the first person he told when he realized he was gay. He was the first person you told after you had your first kiss. You're each other's platonic soulmates.

As such, you're always trying to help each other in regards to your dating lives. When he told you about Michael, you were excited to see your best friend finally found his person. Michael was amazing and you two clicked instantly, to Colin's relief.

Your love life? Weeeell...

Colin and Michael were expecting you since twenty minutes prior, you texted them: THIS DATE SUCKS. IM COMING OVER.

So you're now sitting on Colin's couch in between the couple.

"So what happened this time?" Colin asks.

"All he talked about was football, specifically West Ham," that got Colin groaning, "He also looked my Instagram up and saw the pictures of you and I. Asked if we dated in the past, if you'd be able to get him tickets to the next Richmond versus West Ham game."

"You know you can archive the pictures of us so people-"

"No. I'd never do that to you, Col. It's like I'm ashamed of you and I'm not."

Colin gives a small smile and nod of appreciation, "Thanks, babe."

"Maybe you can set her up with one of your teammates," Michael suggests.

A lightbulb went off in Colin's head and you immediately said, "Don't."

"He's available."

"It'll be weird!"

"No, it won't!"

"Isn't he a dickhead?"

"Not as much anymore!"

Michael waved in front of you and Colin, "What's going on?"

You groan, hiding your face in your hands, "Kill me."

Colin snickers, "Y/N's celebrity crush before I got into the league was Jamie Tartt. When she found out he was being lent to Richmond, she freaked out. Made a complete fool of herself by tripping in front of him and getting a bloody nose."

"Ooohh. That's pretty bad." Michael says, wincing.

"It was so mortifying!" you cry out, "There's no way he'd want to date me after that disaster!"

"He might not even remember it," Colin says reassuringly.

"I don't want to risk it," you turn to Michael, "Michael, tell him it's a bad idea."

Michael looks to his boyfriend, "Do you vouch for Jamie?"

Colin nods, "I do, actually. He's completely turned his act around. He can still be a prick sometimes, but it's not as bad as it was when he first joined the team."

Michael focuses back on you, "You should go for it."

You immediately stand up, "Nope. I'm not making myself out to be a fool again. No thanks! I'm out!"

_____________________

"Hey, Jamie," Colin rushes up to Jamie as he exits his car.

Closing the door behind him, Jamie responds, "Yeah, mate?"

"You're not seeing anyone right?"

"No," Jamie replies with furrowed brows, look of confusion.

"My best friend, Y/N, she's beautiful, funny, and smart and think you and her would be a great match." Colin holds out his phone, showing Jamie a really great candid picture of you that he took when you two went to dinner months ago.

Jamie nods at the picture. You were, indeed, very beautiful. The way the sun hit your skin made you look angelic, "She's...nice."

Colin rolls his eyes, "One date. That's all I ask."

"Why me though?" Jamie still looks a bit confused, "Why not Bumbercatch or Isaac?"

"I just think you and Y/N would fit really well. She's been having a rough time with dating so I figured you'd show her how she should be treated."

To be fair, Jamie was thinking about getting back into the dating scene. He finally got over Keeley, accepting that they'd just be better off as friends. You seemed like a decent person, from the few things Colin mentioned. Might as well, right?

"Fuck it. Sure."

Colin fist bumped the air, "Yes! You won't regret it. I'll make the plans. You just show up."

"Yeah, yeah, alright."

_______________

You show up to Ola's, a place you've been to before. As soon as you walk in, Colin and Michael are there.

"I need to preface this and say you can't be mad at me," Colin says.

You narrow your eyes at him, "What did you do?"

"It'll be fine. I promise. Michael and I will be on the other side of the restaurant if you need anything, but you won't, because it'll be great."

"But if it goes wrong, it was definitely all his doing," Michael says, pointing to Colin.

Colin grimaces, "Thanks, babe." He takes your hand and leads you towards the back corner where Jamie fucking Tartt was sitting.

You immediately give Colin a look and he pushes you towards him, murmuring, "It'll be fine!"

You slowly approach the table and Jamie looks up, giving you a polite smile as he pockets his phone.

"Hi, I'm Jamie," he offers his hand out.

"I know," you say as you shake his hand, "I'm so sorry Colin roped you into this. You really don't have to be here if you don't want to."

He shrugs, "It's fine. Been meanin' to get back into the dating game. Besides, if things don't really work out, we get free dinner and drinks out of it, yeah?"

Your brows shot up, "Colin's paying?"

Jamie nods, "He said he would."

You smirk and gesturing for a server. He smiles at you, "Would you like to start with drinks?"

You nod, "Yes, we'll have your most expensive bottle please."

It's now Jamie's brows that shoot up and he looks at you in surprise. When the server leaves to get the drinks, you lean in and said, "It's payback," you sigh as you sit down.

"So...you weren't too keen on going on a date with me then?" he asks awkwardly.

You suddenly look mortified, "No, no! That's not it at all it's-I-ugh!" you slump back in your chair. You let out a deep breath and sit up again, "Alright, so I believe two years ago, you and I actually met before and I made a complete fool out of myself because I tripped and ate the pavement. I busted my lip, there was lots of blood. Not a pretty sight or a cool thing to do in front of your celebrity crush."

Jamie smirks, "I'm your celebrity crush?"

You sit there in silence, mentally cursing yourself and Colin for making you go through this embarrassment again. You stand, "Right, okay, I've embarrassed myself enough. I'm leaving."

Jamie rushes to a stand, "No, please, don't. I'm only teasin' ya. It's nothin' bad, I promise. You're-You're very cute when you're flustered."

"Thanks," you murmur.

Luckily, the server came back with the most expensive bottle of wine. As soon as he poured your glass, you began downing it. Jamie watches you in amusement.

"Sorry, I just need some liquid courage to get through this."

Jamie leans forward, resting his arms on the table, "How about this, we just forget who I am for tonight. I'm not Jamie Tartt, the most amazing striker in the league. Just Jamie, a nervous lad on a date with a beautiful girl."

"You're nervous?" you ask in shock.

He shrugs, "It's been a while since I've gone on a proper date. Kinda forgot how to do this sort of stuff."

"Pft, I've gone on many dates and so far, you're the best one."

"Yeah? Tell me about 'em."

And that's how dinner goes. Over another glass and eventually over some food, you tell Jamie about your past dates. He tells you about some ridiculous things he's done with the guys when Coach Lasso was around. It was nice. It was nice knowing that Jamie wasn't here because he wanted to get close to Colin. He was there because he wanted to. You assumed he was interested in you by the way he flirted with you throughout the nice. So maybe this wasn't such a bad thing after all.

Once dinner was over, Colin came over with a pout, "Did you guys really have to order the most expensive items here?!"

"That's what you get for tricking me like that," you boop his nose and Michael snickers as he weaves his fingers through Colin's.

"But it went alright, yeah?" he looks at you and Jamie.

"I'd say so," Jame puts his hand on your lower back, "We're, uh, actually gonna head to a pub for more drinks."

"Oh! Well, uh, I think Michael and I will head on home then."

You don't want to give Colin the satisfaction just yet, so you say, "I'll text you later when I'm home."

"Sounds good," he says and pulls at Michael's hand, "Let's go, babe."

Looking over his shoulder, Michael gives you a wink and a thumbs up.

You snort and then turn to Jamie, "Ready?"

"Whenever you are, love." and you two head out onto more drinks, more talking, and, hopefully, more dates after this.

#jamie tartt imagine #jamie tartt x reader

236 notes · View notes

ambrosiagourmet · 8 months

Note

I notice no one has asked yet so for the character thing: laios! Or if you want to go for a less common one: the winged lion

Laios!!!!!!

First impression

Honestly its hard to even limit this within the confines of starting the actual manga. I genuinely think I'd have to say my real first impression of Laios was the "autism be damned, my boy can work a grill" joke that gets passed around a lot 😭

Impression now

Older brother.

Loves his friends and family so much. Let him infodump!!!!! A guy that can character arc so hard he becomes a king because its the only way to deal with the things he can no longer let himself look away from. A guy who wants to eat a good meal. A guy who wants everyone to eat a good meal.

A guy who can be all that and still kind of pettily complain that he doesn't get to hang out with monsters anymore & can mope about it soooo annoyingly. A guy who decided to eat the concept of all-consuming hunger because it was the only way to deal with the problem so he might as well try. A guy who can completely change his life by deciding to share his special interest. A guy who can imitate a dog really well.

Favorite moment

Don't make me choooose... okay I'm gonna do three:

1. Assembling Falin's bones with Marcille

The humor. The patience. The slow realization that, despite how absurd of a task it is, it is actually all possible. The moments of admiration for the way skeletons work, the love of the details, the care of assembling all three skeletons just to make sure they get Falin right. Iconic scene.

2. Killing Falin

"Unable to make myself accept. Unable to make myself resist" lives in my soul now idk what else to say. Life is so vibrant and horrifying and raw and beautiful and to let yourself fully be a part of it you must take up space. You must consume. You must fight. You must take and be taken from. Ourgh

3. Talking Marcille down

I love that he looks so goofy on his way up to her. I love the context of how much he refuses to give up on her leading up to this, and how he refuses to give up on her now. I love how everyone is part of this scene, but he's the first one to cross the threshold. I love how she almost blows him up but can't do it (fun fact: this exact situation/post was how she killed Mithrun a couple of chapters ago. It was close).

I love the way he appeals to her mostly just with messy honesty, and I love the silly three rules callback. It's such a sweet chapter.

Also honorary mention for the final page of the story, which gets me every time.

Idea for a story

I'm actually currently fiddling with a longer story concept dealing with the question of Laios needing an heir. Dungeon Meshi is grounded enough in politics that it genuinely feels like a question that the characters will have to grapple with at some point. At the same time, there's no way that like arranged marriage and even having kids in general are not messy topics for Laios and I don't think anyone involved would want to force him to be miserable.

(I also don't personally like the idea of Falin as his heir ftr, bc I think forcing Falin into that role sucks and I don't think anyone would go for it)

So how DO they deal with the issue? Idk! I might write a long meandering story about it! Maybe! I want to, at least.

Unpopular opinion

Ughhhh I don't realllly want to poke this with a stick but yeah I definitely think my most generic (apparently????) Unpopular Opinion with Laios is just that his relationship with Marcille is meaningful and loving. I personally don't view it as romantic and they mean a lot to me as a platonic-life-partners kind of thing, but I also think that dividing relationships in general into Ships TM and Definitely Not Ships isn't really appealing to me personally. I just care them.

(at the same time I really do worry about trying to write about them and it being taken as romantic despite me very intentionally not framing it as such. idk, navigating this stuff is complicated.)

Favorite relationship

UGHHHH LIKE. It is probably him and Marcille. But it's so hard to rank that against him and Falin. Both relationships mean a lot to me and I love them and I love to think about them.

Because him and Marcille have more on the page interactions to dig into and because I don't see them discussed as much, I do tend to gravitate to Marcille & Laios stuff above all else. But like.... don't make me actually commit to picking.

Favorite headcanon

I can't think of a strong answer for this so I'm going to make one up on the spot: I think he giggled to himself soooo much when he included the winged lion in his king outfit but made it so that it looks like the wolf head is eating it. I think he continues to giggle about it years later. I think he gets dressed in the morning and puts on his cloak and goes "get ate, idiot" as he fastens it around his shoulders.

Oh actually for a more genuine headcanon related to the story thing I mentioned above: I think Laios is really good with kids but would be scared of having any of his own. I think he'd have trouble with the classic "I don't want to mess them up the way my dad messed me up" abused kid struggle.

#ask #ask meme #even though I thought of a more notable headcanon im leaving the winged lion one in there bc I like it

109 notes · View notes

am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year

Note

AITA for how i broke up with my boyfriend?

(hopefully this all fits in one ask…)

so i was dating this person, we'll call him Z, and while i had strong feelings for him in the beginning of the relationship, they faded kind of fast (i'm on the aromantic spectrum (and he knows this so this kind of thing happens a lot when i'm in a relationship). i felt kind of bad about being in a relationship where i didn't really have feelings for the other person anymore but i didn't know what to do, and i've broken up with almost all of my partners because of this issue so i felt like i was a failure for having to break up with another one.

instead of breaking up with him, i sort of tried to respond a little less, be a little less affectionate, not to an extreme amount and i was still responding to him often but i was hoping the dip in sweet responses would get him to break up with me. he didn't.

a month or two went by and i decided i needed to just bite the bullet and break up with him - i thought he would just accept it and saw me as a bad partner but apparently he didn't, and he kept trying to say we shouldn't break up. i told him i thought i was a bad partner and i knew i couldn't give him the love that he deserved (which was true, i couldn't, because i didn't love him like that) and that he deserved better (he did). i didn't want to admit that i had lost feelings and wasn't in love with him anymore, because i thought that would upset him further (i’ve seen many breakups where people admit they don’t love the other person and it always seems to make things worse). it took a while of back and forthing before he finally accepted the break up. we agreed to still be friends, but since the breakup we haven't really spoken, though we still follow each other - or at least we did for a while (you'll see why i say that)

pretty much immediately after i broke up with him, one of his best friends, we'll call them T, texted me, super pissed off that i broke up with him. i didn't really talk to T much because (while i understand why Z wanted to vent to a friend about it) it wasn't really their business why i did what i did and i wasn't concerned about defending myself to somebody i didn't even really know. however, right after yelling at me for breaking up with Z, T told me they hope i die, which while i don't really see as that dramatic or serious of a threat (and they admitted they just said it to get their anger at me out), it still hurt me a lot, since even though the break up didn't go smoothly, i can't control my feelings for Z, as again i am aromantic (spec), and it made me feel like a horrible person for something i didn't choose. (and they were specifically mad at me for breaking up with them in the first place, not for how the break up was handled). i feel like maybe if i had explained that id lost feelings they would have responded differently, but again i thought this would hurt Z worse, so i don't know if that's my fault or not.

however, we still followed each other, even after the interaction with T, and this is not the only time they lashed out at me. months after the breakup, i made a silly post like "who wants to date for fun" or something, which i didn't really think anything of, until Z vagueposted about it, seemingly getting really upset, and T sent me an anonymous message telling me to kill myself. i know for certain it was T and that the vaguepost was about me.

not only that, but even more months later, i had a really awful day because somebody stole $500 from my sister, who needed it for rent. i didn't post about the situation, but i vented about "having the worst day ever", and Z immediately posted about me, saying that he was laughing at my vent post. i was so beyond upset that i immediately unfollowed him (however, he still followed me at the time - i didnt block him just because i dont care enough tbh, i just never wanted to see him vaguepost me negatively again.)

Z and T were almost always completely kind to me (from what i can remember) before the breakup, so i'm wondering if it's all my fault or if their reaction was out of proportion. i know the way i went about the relationship sucked, so i'm honestly expecting at least a YTA if not ESH but i thought i'd send anyway just to see other peoples unbiased thoughts, since all i have is my friends opinions, who obviously only tell me that i was in the right (i dont know if i believe them).

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

181 notes · View notes

promisesbutnevertokeep · 11 days

Text

Isn’t that what he wanted? Part three

part one | part two | part three

tags: @zer0brainc3lls @the-flaminhos

Trigger warning: mentions of death, mentions of suicide, survivors guilt

(When the text is in italics it’s Thomas’s conscience)

———————————————————————

It was cold. The island, the water, the feeling in Thomas’ chest. The sun hadn’t shown its face in a while, the grey clouds overshadowing the supposed haven. Truth was, Thomas didn’t feel like this place was a haven. His haven wasn’t around anymore. He was long gone now, his haven was murdered by his own hands.

He’d killed him. Though the blood wasn’t literally there anymore, he still felt the need to scrub his hands to try get rid of the feeling. That awful guilty feeling that filled his chest and made him sick to his stomach.

Minho sat down next to him, “Thomas..” he was careful not to startle him. “He’s not in pain anymore, he’s finally at peace, he wouldn’t want you to be-“

The brunette snapped “I don’t get it Minho! Why did some people not be able to be immune and why did it have to be newt! He- he told me he’d follow me anywhere..” tears reached the brim of his eyes but he wouldn’t let them fall. They stung and made his vision go blurry but not once did they fall.

Minho stared in shocked, but gently rubbed his shoulder before getting up “I’m here if you need me, we all are Thomas.” He walked away, since Thomas clearly wasn’t in the right mental state for talking.

He felt he wasn’t worthy of comfort, and many did try to console him, give him the consolation that he did a noble thing, that he did the correct thing. But Thomas would push and push them away in refusal to be comforted. Even if others forgave him, he wouldn’t ever forgive himself.

the simplest reason why? he couldn’t bring himself to.

The brunette sat on the beach. It was empty because of the gloomy day, just him and his conscience, which was quite a danger when he was in such a fragile state. There’s many different ways to process a death of a loved one, but the slowest is not accepting it at all.

Thomas’s hand held the capsule necklace of his deceased Love, clinging to it for some sense of clarity. His eyes scanned the words on the paper once more;

‘Dear Thomas, this is the first letter I could remember writing. Obviously, I don't know if I wrote any before the Maze. But even if it's not my first, it's likely to be my last. I want you to know that I'm not scared. Well, not of dying, anyway. It's more forgetting. It's losing myself to this virus, that's what scares me. So every night, I've been saying their names out loud. Alby. Winston. Chuck. And I just repeat them over and over like a prayer, and it - And it all comes flooding back. Just the little things like where the sun used to hit the Glade at that perfect moment right before it slipped beneath the walls. And I remember the taste of Frypan's stew. I never thought I'd miss that stuff so much. And I remember you. From the first time you came up in the box, just a scared little Greenie who couldn't even remember his own name. But from that moment you ran into the Maze, I knew I would follow you anywhere. And I have. We all have. If I could do it all over again, I would. And I wouldn't change a thing. My hope for you: when you're looking back years from now, you'll be able to say the same. The future is in your hands now, Tommy. I know you'll find a way to do what's right. You always have. Take care of everyone for me. And take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy. Thank you for being my friend. Goodbye, mate. Newt.’

Teardrops stained the worn, crinkled page, the ink smearing.

This was the first time Thomas had allowed himself to cry, and suddenly all that emotion and anger at himself hidden behind that numb wall came flooding out. He sobbed to himself, shouting at the sky to bring his Newt back, he needed him back.. he did all this for him and he was gone-

‘Why are you crying Thomas?” There was that voice at the back of his head. “Is it because you found out Newt wasn’t immune and that he was going to die no matter what? Or is it because if you’d listened to Teresa there’s a chance you could’ve been sat here with him, but instead you let him die?”

He winced at the voice, he couldn’t deny it.

“But Thomas? Isn’t that what he wanted?”

he laid back against the sand, silently praying for some divine intervention to come and swallow him up in the sand so he could be with Newt once more. The safe haven wasn’t a haven to him. It was safe yes, but his haven wasn’t there anymore, and why live without someone to live for?

The words of his conscience stuck with him. ‘Did newt get what he wanted?’

———————————————————————

this hasn’t been reread so I’m sorry for any mistakes.

#newtmas #the death cure #the safe haven #tmr thomas #tmr minho #tmr fandom #the maze runner #tmr #i’m sorry

18 notes · View notes

the-lady-general · 1 year

Text

I know I'm four years late to the party but I worked out the timeline for Harry's epic pre-game bender and the feelings need out. HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE THIS KIND OF ANIMAL ANYMORE. :(

Sooo... Harry told the Major Crimes Unit to fuck off on Friday, and immediately started partying because he'd "solve the case in no time". Saturday night he jumped the floodgate with his car, destroying it and losing his badge and his uniform in the process. Idiot Doom Spiral said he was devastated by that, and also vaguely suicidal at this point. Sunday nigh Harry mostly tries to drink, but ends up waving his gun about threatening to kill himself in earnest. People get understandably upset by that, and Harry sells his gun, sans bullets. He decides he doesn't want to be this kind of animal (pig?! human?!) anymore and flushes the Ledger of Failure and Hatred (with the promotion for crippling Burke, which Harry didn't accept; with the two cases that resulted in his previous blackouts; with that damn postcard; the ledger that tells Harry to kill himself, asshole) down the toilet.

I wonder how exactly Saturday and Sunday went down. He couldn't do the field autopsy without a second officer present. But he has already been to the yard and talked with Cuno. He even tried getting into the harbour via the rooftops. Did the Hanged Man talk to him? Did that conversation go as badly as it did in the dream after the autopsy? Did Harry try to escape, both times by jumping over a barrier and getting drunk out of his mind? If that is how it went down then Trant is right about the bender being a defense mechanism: Harry avoided the corpse and the ledger that were trying to talk him into suicide; He left his badge with the promotion for police brutality behind; He sold the gun he came close to using on himself.

He just... arrived in Martinaise and stripped the policeman off, bit by bit. And the "good ending" has him recover all those bits again, the ledger, the coat, the car, the gun, even the tape, and finally his unit. He goes right back to being the same kind of animal he was when he arrived on the scene.

Which is a pig. When he wants to be a giant, curious stick insect that loves collecting trinkets and memories, who says "I exist" and is scared of being forgotten and alone. Because if he didn't have to be a cop (for the joke that is Nix Gottlieb's healthcare?) he could be scary (warn others of the apocalypse) and beautiful (superstar 😘) and kind (instead of getting promoted for permanently disabling someone). OF ALL THE CREATURES I HAVE MET YOU ARE THE THE SCARIEST, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, THE KINDEST. OH GOD. JUST GIVE ME HARRY THE HOBOCOP AND LEPLANTE, MOVING IN WITH ISOBEL AND LEARNING HOW TO NOT BE PIGS TOGETHER. EVEN KIM SAYS HE'S GOING TO DIE IN THE FORCE. COPS KILL, BEING A COP KILLS AND NEITHER HARRY NOR KIM NOR LEPLANTE SEE AN ALTERNATIVE. I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO RECRUIT CUNO OR TITUS ANYMORE. HOW DO I UNLOCK THE ENDING WHERE I GET KIM AND JEAN AND JUDIT FIRED. AND CHESTER AND TORSON TOO. FUCK YOU CAPTAIN PRYCE. I SAW THAT LAST ESPRIT DE CORPS CHECK YOU WANT HARRY TO BE UNHINGED AND BASH PEOPLE'S SKULLS IN AGAIN WHEN THE NEXT WAVE OF MERCENARIES COMES IN DON'T YOU. FUCK YOU GOTTLIEB. LIZ HELP. LIZ PLEASE. LIZ YOU'RE A LAWYER YOU CAN FIX THIS PLEASE ALL HE NEEDS IS TIME ELECTROCHEMISTRY SAID SO AND ELECTROCHEMISTRY IS NEVER WRONG.

#the lady general rambles #disco elysium #spoilers #de spoilers #disco elysium spoilers #i think i got them all...#come for the essay stay for the incoherent screaming #oh yeah and #cw suicide #cw alcohol #cw police #no idea if all of that needs tagging considering what the game is about but eh

174 notes · View notes

omamorens · 3 months

Note

Hi. Another Inkblade thought. True Blue by Boygenius.

"And it feels good

to be known, so well.

I can't hide from you,

like I hide from myself.

I remember who I am,

when I'm with you.

Your love is tough, your love is

tried, and true blue.

You've never done be wrong

except for that one time

that we don't talk about

because it doesn't matter anymore.

Who won the fight?

I don't know.

We're not keeping score."

I like to see the "fight" as any one of their playful arguments when they finally become friends and then lovers and they're both able to express their full argumentative natures to one another because they have this new but steady trust. They're not keeping score.

Love ya,

Waxing Crescent Anon

WAXING CRESCENT ANON do you want to kill me?? truly want to see me suffer???

i think someone mentioned it before but im saying it again: inkblade ship is so blue. like, just general aesthetics and their own mirrored color scheme (adaine with blue eyes and gold hair / oisin with gold eyes and blue scales) is something so lovely to me.

along these lines, i’ve also been thinking a lot about soulmates au (shoutout to @serenescribe for indulging me on this) and how being known wholly and accepted as they are is probably a vulnerability none of them have experience in, but you really can’t hide anything from each other and just. the feeling of being free enough to be as you are and loved despite it? for it? ooooh its so good. So good.

thank you for this submission waxing crescent anon. your lovely ideas are inspiring me !!

#omamorens q&a #inkblade #adaine abernant #oisin hakinvar

17 notes · View notes

luetta · 10 months

Text

i just want to talk about the effect everything everywhere all at once had on me. it saved my life. before it i was just living day by day, not giving a single fuck that my life was being wasted and that i was miserable. my inevitable suicide was approaching closer every time i woke up and i didn't care. but then, i watched the scene where evelyn travels to another universe, another version of herself, a different life. and i realised how badly i wanted things to change. every single night i wished and begged and imagined a different life for myself. to be an entirely different person. and then, to see this, this deep ungraspable yearning, represented visually, just broke me. sobbing with open eyes, tears streaming. i wasn't even on e yet and i cried like a bitch. it was amazing. it took a few weeks or so to internalise that message but i definitely realised that, i had to actually take action. make some sort of change. to become the person that i want to be. the other specific scene that irrevocably changed me was right at the end, where joy is being pulled from the void of the bagel and the rock is falling down the cliff. this obviously being a metaphor for suicide. and the imagery of two planets colliding being analogous, as absolutely important, as NOT dying. oh my goodness. what a message. i really do think that, it made me not suicidal anymore. i wasn't actively self harming or planning anything, but i was just. passively suicidal. i had an age in mind where i would reach that, and be able to look around and think "well. i've proved to myself and everyone that i am a failure. i can finally travel to iceland and find a cliff to throw myself off." but after seeing this movie and realising that. to kill myself would have such cataclysmic effects on not only the people around me, but to the unrealised future me. really made me not want to do that at all. i would never have the chance to have a positive impact on so many people's lives. there would be so many beautiful, tranquil experiences i would never experience. so much love and joy and laughter that would be rendered null before it even happened. and that is a terrible, awful thing. to deprive the future of that. i don't want to waste my life away. to contentedly let it fall through my hands like sand. i want to live. i want to chase happiness. to find the source and scoop it in my hands. to drink that pristine glacier water. and i did. 6 months after watching this movie i accepted i was transgender. the thing i wished, begged, cried for, the person i wanted to be more than anything. i was grasping that unreachable dream in my hands and drinking it. it tasted better than i could've ever imagined. i really am happy now. i'm not suicidal anymore. i'm excited for new things, loving my friends, aging. i can't wait to grow older. in about 4 months i'm going to turn 23. 5 years after coming of age. that was the age where i would fantasise about ending my life. now, that thought is quite unfathomable. so yeah. i think everything everywhere all at once saved my life. it's a really great movie.

#everything everywhere all at once #i just like the fact that i can point to a movie and say 'this movie made me trans!'

44 notes · View notes

save-the-villainous-cat · 1 year

Note

Hero with Phoenix powers, die and comes back every time- and villain, someone who killed him once, now cares deeply for him and hates everytime he has to "clean up the mess" of hero when he comes back. (Taking care of him as he slowly heals)

U amazing, I feel scared to send a ask sometimes because I feel like I'm annoying so I hope I'm not annoying-

Undoubtedly, the worst part was the burnt skin. Regenerating took time and it was a messy process. But what the villain loathed the most was the burnt skin that healed and needed over a week to thread itself back into an acceptable state.

It was so bad, in fact, that the hero could only lie in bed in agony. Touching the bedsheets was painful and not even cold clothes could help them.

Talking was difficult for the hero, so the villain didn't force them. At first, it had been an uncomfortable silence but after the third death, the villain wasn't bothered by it anymore and the hero didn't seem to be either.

And now the villain was staring at the great hero, gasping for air as their back rose and fell with every breath being taken in. The skin on their back was red, partially burnt, partially open and no matter how much time the villain put into research, no treatment was helping.

"It's a natural process," the hero had said once. "No matter how many times you google 'burnt skin treatment,' it will never give you the result on how to fix me."

But that wasn't really what the villain wanted, now was it? They wanted to make it easier. The hero didn't need repairment. Not at all.

It was the first time that they were at the villain's place. Usually, they managed to get home in time but last week had been anything but pretty. It had been a violent death. Slow and bloody. A cut throat.

The villain didn't want to think about their limp body in their arms. They'd spent hours trying to wash the blood out of their and the hero's clothes.

"Do you need anything?" the villain asked quietly, too afraid to raise their voice. As if by doing that alone, they could hurt the hero's fragile body.

The hero didn't answer and the villain didn't hold it against them. Existing was probably too painful for them right now anyway and the villain already regretted that they had asked.

So, instead of bothering the hero any more, the villain decided to make lunch. Despite the state of their body, the hero had to eat something.

The villain turned around and took a second to collect themselves. However, when they finally felt ready to leave the hero to themselves, the hero moaned their name.

It sounded raw and forced and at first, the villain doubted that they had heard anything at all.

"What?" they asked gently, turning around.

And then, again, the hero mumbled their name, their actual name which had been given to them by their mother. They had never mentioned it, had never revealed it to the hero.

"Hey, relax," the villain said. They knelt beside their bed. "Don't..."

"My first death..." The hero turned around, made a grimace out of pain and finally faced the villain. They shared a gaze and the villain didn't quite know where to place themselves within the deep abyss of the hero's irises. "Car crash."

"You don't have to tell me this, please just rest," the villain said. Sometimes, the guilt would come back up. But the villain tried to make up for that with their actions, tried to help the hero as best as they could.

But really, how could you ever apologise for killing someone?

"A car crash," the hero said again. "I was alone. I died alone."

They took in a deep and painful breath.

"Being a hero...I..." The villain didn't know what they wanted to say. "It's hard..."

"I know, I know. Maybe you should take a break for a while. You need your rest and this isn't helping you. You need a vacation. You need time for yourself, even after you've healed."

"No, I...I was so alone. After a while I wanted..."

"Hey, relax, it's okay, you-"

"I wanted to kill myself," the hero confessed. And for the split of a second, the villain's world crumbled and fell into insane chaos. They forgot how to breathe, forgot how to think properly. They were there physically but not with their head and somehow they got extremely mad at the hero.

"What are you talking about?" They tried to clear their head but that was impossible.

"I...I couldn't die, so I...tried everything. I'm sorry, I didn't want to, I couldn't live like this, I couldn't be so ugly-"

"Oh god," the villain whispered and they were sure they were going to break down any second. "You dumb hero, are you out of your mind?!"

"I have you now," the hero whispered. "I want to get better, I swear."

"You're not leaving this house for a long time," the villain said. Their hands were shaking.

"Please," the hero said. "Don't be upset."

But how could the villain not be upset when they were the one falling for the hero?

#writing snippet #heroxvillain prompt #heroxvillain snippet #heroes and villains #hero #villain #heroxvillain #hero x villain #request #an answer for an ask #h/c #whump #I guess?#tw: suicide #tw: sh

143 notes · View notes

killuachii · 12 hours

Text

The hate you hide within.

Choso x reader

reader pov

Minutes, hours, days, months, centuries.

How much longer will it take me to forget the face, the, mouth, the nose and those eyes. Those eyes.

You know I will love you all the same, since I have loved you once and I will love you again. I have seen your face when it was happy, saw your face when it was sad and saw the face in rage and yet I never once thought about leaving your side. I was always happy, right? I was always with you and you were with me. You never thought differently. Right? But then I saw those eyes again. Those damned eyes.

How many times did I try to be the person you needed, the person you need to become in order to be one. To be a person, to be human. You were the star that shined above them all, but whenever I looked into those eyes, it felt like looking at the garbage of the world, the product of exhaustion, the product of hate.

It takes a man to be a man, but how do you expect to be one when there was no one to guide you. Wandering through earth without a meaning nor a purpose. And yet I never left your side, no matter how angry you were, how sad or happy, I stayed, hoping that one day you will come back.

And how we loved. We loved day and night. We loved without knowing what it means to love, but we worked through it, right? And yet, this bitter taste will never leave my mouth, etched on my tongue, the memories of the rotten. The memories of those eyes.

Chapter I: The devil is looking.

No matter how many times the sun kisses me good morning and the moon kisses me good night, the memories of your eyes haunt me. They haunt my everything. I didn't understand it. You smiled so brightly, you were my sun, so why did it feel as if the devil was watching me through your eyes?

You hid a lot from me. You hid your pain, your happiness and yourself. All for what? You always cared so much about what other people thought, what other people saw, but I wasn't other people. I was you and you were me and yet there were days I couldn't recognize the me in you. You vanished before my eyes and all I could do is watch. Because for some reason I thought the devil in your eyes would still love me, despite everything.

But in the end he was mocking me. He was laughing at me, knowing I couldn't do anything about it. I could just watch how he killed you, watch how he took the me in you away, leaving only the "you" that was never meant to exist.

All because the devil was looking.

Chapter II: Father, you're crying for me.

Father, forgive me for my dance, for my conversations, promises and lies I made with the devil. Forgive me for I was deceived that the man I loved the most was still there, still inside and that the devil will quickly leave.

But he never left. And now I feel as if the devil is a part of me as well. I have a hunger. A hunger never to be stilled. But what am I hungry for? I don't know it myself. My soul is longing for something. Something I can't grasp and secretely I think I was longing for you. For the man that never was one. For the man that didn't know how to be one. For the man I wanted to make a man out of.

I don't blame you for it. You are not at fault. Look at the state of the world. Nobody could have ever taught you to be a man, since being a man was looked down upon - atleast that's the mantra they manifested. Look at those men that tried to pretend to be one. Look at them and tell me, is this the man you wanted to be? Is this the man you longed for? What does it mean to be a man for you? And tell me why you could never be one.

But I still loved you the same, because for me it didn't matter if you were a man or a man that liked to be one, I was you and you were me. That's what mattered to me.

Chapter III: The Us that was never meant to be.

The finale's finally over. I am not alone with you anymore. Does it pain you the same way it pains me? Or did you learn to accept it? I don't know how to accept. I don't know anything anymore.

We strayed too far from the way we used to be. We became something abnormal, something inhuman. There was no me in you anymore, because you were simply gone. But I somehow am happy that you're gone. I am finally released from the chains that bid me to you. Free from the words that never reached me and the thoughts that rot my existence.

Chapter IV: The hate you hide within.

And when I held your cold body, I knew I was weak. I knew but I still wanted to believe that there was some strength in me. I didn't know to love. I didn't know how to love. I took you for granted, determined that you could never leave. I cared about your humanity not the devil in you. I should have cared for the devil too. I should have found a way to let the devil release you, so I could look into your eyes again. I wanted to look into the love and brightness not the hate and darkness. I am happy now, but if I remember you again, what will happen? Will I see the devil again? Will he try to take the you in me and form it to the me that was never meant to be?

Or will he try to guide me to you again, living in love and misery. Hate and contentment. I love you and I always will, even with the hate you hide within. You are me and I am you, there is nothing that will change that.

∆∆∆

Hello everyone! This is the part where I will describe the meaning of this story BUT if you want to have your own interpretation feel free to skip this text!

The story is quick and simple: Depression taking out another life. Depression here being the "devil". This story follows the reader throughout their inner thoughts on how helpless they felt when looking into Choso's eyes, because whenever they looked into them, they were full of hate.

The first chapter is the acknowledgement that Choso was suffering from something. In the second chapter the reader slowly developed depression too. Originally there was a passage mentioning that the reader also never knew to be a woman but since I wanted to make the reader genderless I deleted it. The reason behind the whole men/women passage was to show that society itself doesn't know what gender truly is and that it is just a construct to put labels onto people. Chapter three is quite short. The reader accepts what has happened, that Choso was gone and felt happy about it, because it felt like a weight has been lifted from them. The last chapter is also about acceptance, coming to a common ground that the "devil" (depression) took Choso.

Buuuuut this story also has a double meaning. Throughout the story you can see the phrase "the me in you" pop up meaning that the reader and Choso were one. Choso was the manifistation of the readers pain, suffering and depression. Slowly we see how Choso "dissappears" which also means that the depression leaves - which is why the reader feels happy about it.

And that's the story about "The hate you hide within." It is basically a piece on self-reflection since only you can really see the "devil" in your eyes and you are the only one that can accept or decline his advances. Remember that even if times get tough you are still the only person that understands your pain, so work with you not against you, because there will never be anyone that can love you the way you love yourself.

BYEEEEEEEE

8 notes · View notes

shadow-the-crow · 5 months

Text

My journey through the fears or something (disclaimer: this will make no sense and is also basically a more poetic version of 2 old posts)

What entity would i go to? Weird question. I wake up and i already am surrounded by the Lonely. I try to tell myself that i like this, that i have embraced who the world has forced me to be, but that's not true. It will never be true.

When i can't take it anymore, i go to the Eye, that has always sheltered me. The voices of all these people around me: "When you're with the Eye, we will love you." But how can you love all of me when all you see is my knowledge? Stop praising me. Stop telling me who i am. It's quite sad, actually: I could have been happy with the Eye if it had been my own choice. But it wasn't, so i wander on.

Isn't the Spiral who i truly want to be? I get lost in it. I'm dizzy, unable to tell apart the person deep inside me from the loud world around me - telling me that this is what you're supposed to like. I like how i feel when i'm here, but it doesn't feel like home. It needs to be on the other side so i can admire it. Maybe i love it and it just doesn't love me back, who knows?

The Corruption tells me that it's my shelter, my true home. I look at it and say: You may be where i come from, but you'll never be able to give me what i need.

The Dark lures me in, promising me that it can be just as beautiful as it is terrifying. But in this world, the darkness hides no forbidden colors, no magic too powerful to be seen by the light. It's dull and lifeless and it has nothing to offer me.

When the Flesh calls me, i don't even hear it. The scars on my body and the numbness on my skin may be its pawns, but i have never looked at it with affection in my eyes.

Should i turn to the Stranger, the thing that hides in my worst nightmares? I don't dare to explore what parts of me are made to serve it.

I lay in a bed of warm earth, i run with the wolves, i kill and i destroy and i die. All of this feels comfortable, but doesn't offer me a place where i can stay forever. I even try to weave - i have no talent for it.

Then, finally, i let myself fall off the edge. I let go and accept to experience the world around me. This is... fun. I can breathe. I can enjoy life. I can look at all these mountains and planets and stories and feel that life is worth living. Maybe this can be my home.

#had this lying around in my drafts for almost a month #interestingly enough i wrote this before my vast arc lol #before i really understood what the vast is about #you could say i wrote it as an attempt to understand why it feels so comforting to me #tma #the magnus archives #tma podcast #tma entities #tma fears #tma spoilers

16 notes · View notes

jjanewillow · 9 days

Text

dearest

I'm tired of hitting this wall

over

and over

and over, again

I could be perfect

anything you want me to be

but you still won't stay

it's your fault you will never be satisfied

you will never accept this offer

no matter how I kill myself trying to please

so tonight I will do it

I will block your number

I will stop searching for a sign

a clue

a better approach

so that when you reappear, you will stay

because there is nothing I can do to change the ending

we will always be the same

that won't stop now

my hopes were too high

you don't deserve the devotion

and I don't deserve the abandonment

I didn't mean what I said in my last letter

not anymore, at least

you won't find me when you need me

I will not wait here for you

I do not exist to be at your disposal

any ounce of love I had for you has,

finally,

disappeared

#poem #poetry #authors #spilled poetry #poems on tumblr #love poem #angry poem #love #homesick #love quotes #sapphic

11 notes · View notes

quabiitv · 9 months

Text

So, I wrote a backstory for Black Hole. Call me cringe all you want but it's mostly a different universe where the contestants have parents and families, which, we don't know where they came from in actuality. But that also gives us free reign to let our creativity flow. So that's exactly what I'm gonna do!

Thank you so much to NariiennTunes as I said, a very good friend of mine who listened to me ramble about this idea and also helped in a lot of areas.

Also, note, that not all of this is gonna be completely accurate to real life astronomy. I'm still learning about it currently but I'm not gonna stress myself out over the accuracy of it because there's a literal black hole in the show and he's not ALWAYS sucking up people left and right, and hasn't destroyed their earth yet. And also, he was compressed into a smaller size. So there you have it. Now, on with the storyline!

And finally, for the people who asked to see it specifically:

@tarochinomochi

@indescribable-infatuation

Way back in the past, growing up, Black Hole, being an alien (in my headcanon/gijinka), lived on a planet called Astramios. Where stars, galaxies, comets and asteroids alike all live together personified in harmony.

Except, it wasn't harmony.

There was constant suffering, death and wars. Higher ups were corrupt and the lower class were forced to accept the fact that they'd never be treated as equal. Aliens alike brushed off constant death as if it was nothing to get sad over.

All, except for few. And one of those few was Black Hole. He was exposed to death from a very early age, his parents not exactly being the most loving or nurturing. Everybody's way of thinking on his planet—

kill or be killed.

He hated it.

He hated the constant death, the wars, the fighting, the screams—the suffering.

He grew up in the middle of war.

But, Black Hole wasn't always Black Hole.

Mu Cephei, son and prodigy of V Cephei and Ky Cygni, some of the most powerful and high class stars on their planet. With a reputation to uphold, there's no room for remorse, or emotions or sympathy. They must raise their son to be able to defend himself and honor his family's name.

Black Hole was once Mu Cephei.

His parents put excessive amounts of pressure on him, especially his dad—V Cephei, who's name was passed onto him. Constant training since the age of 10 to be a soldier, a warrior, a general. A leader.

No matter how much it tired him.

No matter how much it hurt.

No matter how much he just wanted peace.

He must be the best, and continue his family’s legacy.

Mu Cephei never liked fighting, or the training, anything that his family raised him with really—the only thing he was grateful for was knowing how to use his powers, and even then, it was only purposed for fighting.

He doesn't WANT to fight.

But, one day, he had gotten too close to a battle while outdoors, only trying to gather food for himself and his family. That was a mistake.

A blast was sent in his direction, and he couldn't avoid it—and before he knew it—he blacked out.

A while later, he had woken up, but not as his usual self. He was…darker, he felt different, and he was sucking up things around him.

He was a black hole.

By the time he came to, his parents had surrounded him, forcing him up to his feet and leading him home. He had no idea what to do, or say. They seemed angry. He did break one of the first rules they taught him, after all.

Never let your guard down.

He was…scarred, to say the least. As a star, it wasn't as hard to avoid hurting people and cause destruction, because — well…he was a star. Still powerful, but not out of control.

He hardly knew what he was now. And his parents didn't look at him the same anymore.

It ultimately left them disappointed, and ashamed of their own son. They were upper class aliens, for constellation’s sake! He can't destroy both his and their reputation like that!

But either way, they both kept training him. Trained him to re-learn everything as this new species of alien, and Black Hole did his best to follow, even when he felt out of control all the time.

By the time he was of age, the relationship between him and his parents was worse than ever—and the state of their planet was awful. It was evil.

He hated pain, he hated death, and all it had to offer.

He hated seeing others just die on the spot, even with how they all had thoughts and feelings and their own lives—but nobody seemed to care!

It often felt like he was the only one who did.

So, just like that—when he got the chance…

He left, without looking back.

It was a hard decision, all things considered, but he knew he'd survive wandering space—as long as he was careful.

But no doubt it got…lonely.

The constant silence was better than constant war, but it was still…chilling. Being all alone with nobody but yourself was lonely, isolating. But he didn't have a choice. And even then, people still got hurt by him. Traveling into space and getting sucked up by him, the screaming and then the inevitable silence all over again, and he could hardly do anything about it.

Until…he found Earth.

Coming to Earth was an odd decision. With the help of an odd, blue alien, his powers and essence in general was condensed on Earth’s atmosphere so he could live there. Before the challenge started, he was hesitant on even staying, seeing as even with the limited abilities… he was still dangerous. But overtime, he learned to control it better, and was somewhat content.

This world was so beautiful, and so much less corrupt than his old home. People weren't constantly killing eachother.

Okay, that last bit is a lie. Death was still prevelant, and brushed off. But it was more understandable because they had recovery centers, and he liked THAT at least…

But seeing death, over and over again was awful. Traumatizing..Tiring. Like he was living out his old life all over again. Especially if the suffering was at his own hands.

So, obviously, upon joining the challenge and seeing others just as ecstatic about a pacifistic life as he was—was…uplifting.

He felt like he had a chance at not being a monster for once.

He threw away his old name, Mu Cephei, and went by his new one permanently.

Black Hole.

And that's how it all began.

#black hole #black hole bfb #bfdi #bfdi black hole #bfdi headcanon #bfdi prompt #prompt #writing #backstory #battle for bfdi #object show community #bfb #the power of two

32 notes · View notes