#I fucked up my computer to the point where it needed a new hard drive after opening and using Homebrew one (1) time

[the-old-man-has-the-phonebox]

I wanna learn how to 🏴‍☠️ but I know for a fact my dumb ass will fuck it up royally and get a fucking Trojan on my computer on the first try

[lqveharrington]

Bus Stop | R.L.

summary: both you and remus miss the bus during a rain shower.

pairing: remus lupin x fem!reader

includes: fluff, strangers being cute, cursing

a/n: i seriously need to finish my coriolanus series help 😭

As a meteorologist for the local news media, you knew what the weather was going to look like everyday. In fact, plenty of people tuned in to hear the forecast just from you. It was something you enjoyed doing, you liked helping people out for the smallest things. You could predict whether or not the sun would be shining to the point where ice cream would melt in an instant, or if it would snow so hard that the roads were to icy to drive in.

It felt nice to be helpful and appreciated in a community you’ve learned to love.

But every once in a while, the computer system the station owned would make small mistakes. There would be times where it predicted hard rain, but instead ended in light rain with little to no clouds. Of course, it was something so rare that you always disregarded it and moved on.

Except for today.

You were standing underneath the thinnest awning as rain pellets fell harshly from the thundering sky. You missed the bus for the first time in years. It was stupidly coincidental that the day the computer system decided not to work was the day you missed the bus. It had shown that only light rain would be coming to your area.

Wrong.

So now you were trapped in a small space until a bus appeared or the rain let up, which was unlikely.

The wind blew harshly on your skin and made the rain splash everywhere. You were getting drenched by the minute and all you could do was wait. Your Mary Jane’s were completely ruined and your tote bag completely soaked, which incased your book and notepad. It was all destroyed.

A frown made its way to your face. You couldn’t even tell if tears were streaming down your face or if it was the rain as you felt your chest constrict. But even the universe had its limits and thought it was cruel to have you all alone in the storm. So it sent you one companion who happened to miss the bus as well.

A man ran over to where you were, his eyes wide in frustration and annoyance. You watched him run underneath the awning with his jacket over his head, which did little as he was completely soaked from head to toe.

He gave you a slight nod and looked out toward the obstructed street view, “How long have you been waiting?”

You blink in confusion before realizing he was talking to you. Heat covered your neck when he gave you an amused grin as he ran his fingers through his wet hair in attempts to squeeze the water out.

“Oh! Uhm, maybe a couple of minutes? Only two buses come down this way.” You look down to your shoes, the puddle underneath rising toward your ankle, although you feet were already drenched.

He sighed and leaned his head back on the brick wall behind, rubbing his palms in his eyes. “Fuck, okay.”

After a few seconds, an awkward silence took over despite the heavy rainfall. It wasn't like you intended for it to get awkward, but standing in a tight space with a man you never met really set off tension.

Yours eyes flickered from the rain puddles to the man beside you. Clearing your throat, you began to speak, but at the same time, the man spoke as well.

“How—“

“What—“ Your eyes widen and the previous heat creeped up to your cheeks. “Sorry, go ahead.”

“No, that’s quite alright. I was just trying to make small talk.” The man shrugged and sent you a small smile.

You grinned back and fiddled with the strap of your tote back. “So was I.”

Despite the attempt, another silence took over. This time, it was less awkward. The rain continued to pelt down and the sun began it's slow descent down when you decided to strike a conversation again.

“What made you late?”

He looked over toward you, his mind zoned out from the pattering of the rain. “Mm?”

“To the stop, I mean." You smile sheepishly and waved your hand around. "I got here just as the bus left, but you were minutes behind.”

“Ah,” He nodded and pushed his hair back again. “My car is at the mechanics and I wasn’t sure when the coaches come around. I guess I was a little off.”

“Just a little.” You pinch your finger together as a small laugh falls from your lips.

A comfortable silence took over this time. You had yet to know the man’s name, but you knew that he was alright to be around for the time being. Who knows if there were weird people out in the rain coming to get you.

The rain only grew harder, causing you and the mystery man to push closer in hopes of staying out of the harsh weather and not freeze to death. Well, more so than already.

“I feel like I’ve seen you before.” The man spoke and glanced at you to see an amused glint in your eyes.

“Yeah?”

He squinted his eyes before snapping his fingers in recognition. “You’re the meteorologist on channel 8.”

You laugh softly and place your hands on your hips, smiling like you would on television. “The one and only.”

“I didn’t think I would meet a celebrity waiting for the coach.” The man chuckled and ended with a content smile, shaking his head at the fact he did meet someone everyone loved.

“Where do you work?” You ask out of the blue, catching him off guard. “It’s only right, you know my place of work.”

He raised his brows like it was the most obvious thing. “You’re on the tele.”

“Same difference.”

You both stared at each other as if you were in a silent competition before you looked away, clearing your throat. Sensing your fraction of discomfort, the man answered your question.

“I work down at the bookstore on King’s street. It’s beside the café.” He gestured toward where he came from and smiled when your eyes lit up.

“Oh! My friend Lily works down there. I love that place, they have everything I ever need in life.” You grin at the mention of your favorite store downtown, but purse your lips when you remember what exactly you had in your tote. “But, one of the books is kind of destroyed in my bag.”

"You destroyed public property?"

"Not on purpose!" You defend yourself and put a hand up, the small smile on your lips showing your true emotion. "That's not funny."

"It was."

You roll your eyes in an amused manner and settle into a short silence. Time felt like it was going so fast yet so slow, and you weren’t exactly sure what that meant. Picking at your nails, you ask him another question he hopefully knew the answer to.

"Since you work with Lily, do you know a guy named Remus? She said he worked there with her, she wants me to meet him."

He raised a singular brow at you and tucked his hands under his arms as the wind blew harder. "I may or may not know. Why?"

"She said we would hit it off right away." You shrug and shiver, causing your body to instinctively pull closer to the man beside you for warmth. "And every time she wants me to go over to meet him, I'm really busy with work."

He hummed and looked down at you, meeting your eyes with pure joy and mischief. "I think that you would hit it off right away."

"You think so?" You murmur, glancing down at his lips for a split second before looking back up to his eyes in shock at your own action.

"Oh, definitely. You'll have the time of your life with his horrid humor." He chuckled as you huffed a breath out, the heat from your mouth shown in front of you.

"As bad as you laughing at me for accidently destroying a library book?"

"Precisely." The man nodded in agreement, pulling you further back into the stop as a car drove by without slowing down. "How long have you been a meteorologist?"

"Oh gosh," You bite your lip in thought and go back to your first time actually working as a meteorologist. "Maybe two years officially? I studied a lot in college for it and was given an internship with NASA back in the states for my last year."

His lips turned-down into a smile, not that surprised by the fact with how much you loved your job. "I'm impressed."

"Thank you." You tilt your head down and look down at the ever growing puddle, sighing at the sight. "Although, sometimes I wish I had chosen a job back in the states rather than come back here."

"Why is that?"

"The weather here is mostly the same all year round. There's nothing too interesting about it." You gesture toward the rain.

As you pointed out the harsh rain you would always report on, the bus lights finally appeared through the thick fog. You shut your eyes in thanks before holding tightly onto your tote. But before the bus got to your stop, you decided to speak once more. Maybe, just maybe, the mystery man was alright.

"I never got your name."

He turned his head to you and shrugged, his brown hair splashing you with water. "Technically, I didn't get yours either."

"Doesn't count, I'm on television." You quip as the bus comes to a stop, but the look on the man’s face caught you off guard. "What is it? Why are you smiling weirdly?"

"I'm Remus Lupin." He struck his hand out and kissed your knuckles. "And it was a pleasure to hit it off with you."

"You're joking." You gape at the mysterious man who you could now identify as the same Remus Lily was talking about. "You're incorrigible."

"And your coach is going to leave you behind soon." He tilted his head toward the flashing headlights of the bus.

You purse your lips and quickly get your body on the bus. You paid your bill and turned around to see him still standing at the stop. Furrowing your brows, you call out to him only to be interrupted.

“Will I expect to see you in the bookstore soon?” He cupped his hands around his mouth to enhance his voice over the heavy rainfall.

A small smile graced your lips as you responded. “Maybe!”

©lqveharrington - all rights reserved. do not copy, translate or share my work on other media platforms

[whoopsyeahokay]

October Moon

summary: things had been no less clear leading up to the Homecoming dance. in fact, more questions had come up instead of having been answered...

pairing: Wally Clark x fem!reader

warnings: smutty smut smut. mad spoilers. and obvious Canon divergence. very involved, very dense plot.

bon reading, frens

___________________________💀

OCTOBER MOON pt.3

You didn't know how you got there.

Alright. Fine. That was a lie.

As was the new routine, Aurora had dropped you off and ignored Ajay. From there, Ajay had walked you to your locker like the ever vigilant watchdog he'd appointed himself as, then told you where to find Wally.

You'd gone to meet Wally at the day's designated out-of-the-way spot.

Bada bing, bada boom, you'd tripped and fallen into Wally's lap and now he had his hands on your ass and his mouth on your neck, whispering what sounded like a step-by-step guide on how to drive you insane. Your body was too hot, your clothes too constricting, your breathing too rough, and, Jesus, the sounds he made as he used his grip on your hips to grind you against him.

"Fuck~," He groaned into your neck, and you could feel him. Like him. All of him. Fat and hard against you through his sweatpants, rocking into you and making you keen.

Wally trailed hot lips down your neck, his breathing ragged as he got more worked up. You were just as desperate, every touch he bestowed sending sparks of blazing white need through your body.

"Do you feel that?" He said against your skin, voice low and rough, "You feel how bad I need you, baby?"

Fuck yes, you did. Your panties were ruined. And you were sure that you'd have to change into your gym clothes after because there's no way you hadn't soaked a stain through your leggings.

Needless to say, things had quickly escalated between you and Wally. The connection shoveled desire into every single one of your hedonist furnaces, steam to all engines, ramping up how fucking much you needed Wally. Biblically. On you. In you. Stuffing you so full it rewired your brain and was the only language you could speak.

He turned you on to the point of self-combustion, with or without the connection. The connection itself just served to make it impossible to function like normal people when you and he were in a room alone together. Hell, it made it impossible to function when you and he weren't alone, but at least then you had eyes on you keeping you in check.

This past week had been a series of firsts in your rapidly developing relationship with Wally. He'd fingered you in the computer lab; you'd given him a sloppy handjob in the theater; he'd eaten you out, head under your skirt, in the empty kitchen when you'd needed a snack during a research session.

Clothes had remained on. Rucked up or shoved down, but firmly on. Misfits doing nasty things where they could get caught at any moment and needed to hastily rearrange themselves.

Wally made you less careful, more reckless, and it was the most liberated and excited you'd ever been.

"I need to touch you, baby," He whispered, gnawing your pulse point, his hand caressing your tit beneath your bra, "Wanna feel how wet you are for me."

Jesus. Christ.

"You want my fingers in your pussy, babygirl?" He breathed into your mouth, eyes heavy and molten as he gazed at you. Awaited your response which should've been a ready, wholehearted hell yeah, but wasn't.

Because you had to tell Wally about Dave. And...shit, you had to tell him about Xavier. That's why you'd let Wally drag you into the Home Ec. room in the first place. The Dave thing might not have been as important—could've been nothing at all—but the Xavier thing. That needed to be shared.

Xavier had apologized profusely after you and he had left the house near the corner of 10th and Lasher. You'd forgiven him, understood it was a weird combination of anxiety and mislabeling his own emotions towards you. Wally, however, you didn't think would be as open to accepting Xavier's apology.

"Where'd you go, baby?" Wally murmured, fingers splayed over your ribs, thumbs caressing the skin beneath the underwire of your bra.

Brain soupy, you blinked at him several times, "Hmm?"

Wally pulled back to give you an lazy smile, lips red and kiss swollen. "There's my girl," he bumped the tip of his nose against yours, an affectionate boop, "You got away from me. What's wrong?"

Did you have to tell him now? When he was rocking his hips against yours from below, movements slower and more subdued than before, but the effect nevertheless euphoric, heat binding tight in your belly.

You whimpered, a sound that Wally seemed to savor as he groaned and moved his hands back to your ass to grind you harder against him, "Fuck, I love the way you sound for me."

"You make it hard to think, Wally," You whined, drawing him into another kiss, moaning into his mouth as he flicked his tongue against yours.

"Yeah?" He breathed, sliding his hands under your hoodie and then into your leggings, skin to skin, "You like how I touch you?" He leaned in, nipping the sensitive spot below your ear, "I wanna make you feel good, baby."

Jesus. Fuck. His voice. Heat flushed through you, pulsated between your thighs as he took you apart one syllable at a time. You gasped, keened, rolled your hips against his, fighting to disperse the fog that clouded your thoughts. "I need to tell you something," you panted, head tipped back, eyes fluttering, "It's important."

Wally grazed his teeth over your pulse point, hummed, "You can tell me anything," and you could feel his smirk, "I'm listening."

Good. Great. Yep. You could do this.

Mustering your wits, you sat back, looked Wally in the eye, and tore off the band-aid, "Xavier tried to kiss me last night," before Wally could distract you again.

For a single, stressful beat, his grasp on you tightened, his body stiffened, and his eyes went dark. Not sexy, aroused dark. Furious.

Then, whoosh, he was himself again, hands smoothing up and down your thighs as if to reassure you, rendering a receptive expression.

A compassionate key, "What happened, baby?"

You wanted to give Wally a history lesson first, to outline who Xavier was and why he was like that. You wanted Wally to understand Xavier how you did so that he could see what'd happened from your perspective. A perspective you felt better represented Xavier than how Wally knew him—as the sleazebag who'd cheated on Maddie.

Xavier wasn't like that and whatever had compelled him to sneak around with Claire...that wasn't Xavier. It wasn't.

"He's been overwhelmed since the theater," You started, gaze on a spot on Wally's chest. He didn't let you avoid him for long though, hooked a finger under your chin and brought your face up so you had to look him in the eye. You continued, "He's always had trouble figuring out how he feels about things, okay? And, I guess, because we've been best friends forever, he got confused when we met up last night to search the house."

"What house?" Wally asked through a frown. "You didn't tell me about a house."

Oh damn. "The cops found Maddie's backpack at an abandoned house. Xavier wanted to check it out and see if, maybe, he could find out who'd taken it and if they knew where Maddie's body is."

"He's feeling noble now or something?" Wally sounded bitter, though his expression remained neutral. "What were you doing there? I thought you guys weren't talking."

"He texted me. I met him there. I wasn't about to let him go in alone and possibly end up like Maddie."

Wally looked ashamed for all of a second before his jaw ticked.

"Zav wants to help, Wally."

"And how is kissing my girlfriend 'helping'?"

It was the worst time to bite your lip and melt, but it couldn't be helped. He'd called you his girlfriend. Out loud. Official-sounding and easy as if he'd used the term a lot when it came to you. Wally must've seen it on your face because his lips loosened into a warm smile.

"Hear something you like?" He teased, kissed you when you nodded, his hand holding the side of your neck. When you and he pulled apart, he asked, "Did you want him to kiss you?"

An immediate, "No."

"And you stopped it right away?"

"Yes." You nodded vigorously. "Before it even really started."

The silence was tangible as Wally thought that over, and then, finally, his shoulder relaxed and his eyes softened, "Alright."

Narrowing your eyes, "You're sure?"

Wally chuckled, snatching your hips into his, smoldering at you with his gaze on your lips again, a dirty promise in his voice, "I'm sure, baby." He claimed your mouth in another hot, possessive kiss as his fingers kneaded your ass. "Now, if you don't mind, I wanna make you moan my name again..."

That had been... ... ... ...too easy. You sensed there was something he wasn't telling you, but he was doing that thing with his teeth on your neck again, hands everywhere, hips grinding against yours, and, suddenly, you couldn't have given less of a fuck.

The matter of Dave in the school basement could wait. Right now, you wanted Wally to follow through on making you moan his name again.

‗‗‗‗•‗‗‗‗

Xavier didn't know how you did it. How you masterfully played the part of an oblivious, non-ghost-seeing person when they were all around you. Quipping and commenting and cursing you out.

Okay. You'd probably never dealt with your ex-girlfriend's justifiably angry half-ghost haunting you throughout the day in order to ensure you were following a terrible, horrible, extremely fallible plan to wheedle a body-snatching confession from the person you'd cheated on said half-ghost ex-girlfriend with. Gasping inhale.

Regardless, Xavier had seen Jumpsuit—Ajay, your voice supplied in Xavier's mind—report to you while you and Mathilda were having a conversation. While you'd acknowledged Ajay with an imperceptible gesture, you hadn't missed a beat. Had carried on with Mathilda like Ajay hadn't said a word. Not even a flicker, a stammer, a hesitation marker. Just giggly inside jokes and friend-group gossip.

Meanwhile, Xavier twice had had to refill his ketchup over lunch because Nicole wasn't part of Team Parabnormal and Maddie had had a rolling commentary of opinions that Simon had graciously shared for Nicole's benefit. Maddie and Simon's perpetual canon had made Xavier want to tweeze his hair out. He hadn't known who to listen to, what to respond to, where to look.

You'd told Xavier on the way to the game last night about Wally and sophomore year; how Wally had tried to prove you could see him by pulling jump scares and babbling endlessly. Xavier respected the shit out of you in general, but that respect had grown exponentially after spending lunch fighting for his life not to slip up and reveal the presence of Maddie's half-ghost to Nicole.

Xavier knew why Nicole couldn't be let in on the secret. All roads led back to you and you were already risking everything trying to help Maddie get her body back. Still, Xavier suspected Nicole would take the information better than he had.

She was awesome.

So awesome that she didn't criticize everything Xavier did, said, thought. She took him seriously when he expressed his concerns over the part Maddie and Simon wanted him to play in Operation Claire.

Contrary to what they thought, Xavier was a shit liar.

Do not ask him how he pulled off dating two people at once, because he couldn't tell you.

But Maddie and Simon had snidely reminded him of that stain on his record and now Xavier was stuck in the middle of a heart-to-heart in the boy's locker room, praying for the ground to open up as Claire stared into his soul.

"—I felt bad about the way I treated you, and it just—it took me awhile to press send." Do better. "And I guess I... I miss you."

Claire teased, "Oh, you guess."

"I know I miss you," Xavier amended.

His heart nearly gave out when, after a daunting lull wherein Xavier saw his life flash before his eyes, Claire said, "Pick you up at seven tomorrow."

He'd done it. Holy~ shit. He'd done it.

...He should not be that proud about successfully convincing someone that he wanted them when he didn't...not anymore, anyway.

That was the most mind-boggling thing about this. Xavier couldn't wrap his head around it. Two and a half weeks ago, he'd been salivating over Claire, desperate for her; wagging his tongue like a 1930s cartoon hound in rut. And then, as if overnight, poof, all those hormones and feelings had fizzled out.

Claire was beautiful. No doubt about that. She carried herself like a queen, conducted herself like a Fortune 500 CEO, and curated herself like a priceless work of art. Yet, Xavier couldn't summon that need, that all-consuming desire that had drawn him to her in the first place.

He watched Claire walk away, strutting out of the boy's locker room, painted-on jeans hugging her curves. A sight that had once made Xavier walk into a wall. And now? Yeah, it was nice to look at, he was a guy, but he remained startlingly indifferent.

Xavier didn't have the chance to reflect on it before someone stepped into the space Claire had vacated. A tall, visibly unhappy someone whose eyes drilled into Xavier the exact nature of this encounter. You know, in case he couldn't read the room.

Even the fledging yellow thread between Xavier and your dead boyfriend wasn't enough to steady Xavier's heartbeat, because, sweet fuck, Wally Clark was mad mad.

Behind Wally, Ajay leaned his back against the lockers, arms folded and legs crossed at the ankles. Xavier recognized he wasn't there as backup. Nah, his presence was to make sure things didn't get out of hand. A buffer. A referee.

The fact that Wally couldn't touch him was enough to keep Xavier from preparing his stance to defend himself. The last thing he wanted was to draw unwanted attention while the rumors of him being a murderer still circulated. Add hallucinations, and not even the fact that his dad was the Sheriff would keep him out of the suspect pool.

Wally loomed over Xavier with menace, the lights above him flickering as his anger permeated the air. Wally crowded Xavier into the lockers, so close that Xavier could smell his cologne and feel Wally's breath on his face.

Without a word, Wally punched the locker beside Xavier's head, the bang making Xavier flinch. There was a glint of satisfaction in Wally's eye before, to Xavier's horror and amazement, Wally shoved a digit into the center of Xavier's chest. Suddenly feeling like prey, Xavier whipped his head to Ajay who—not good—was standing at attention, the look on his face mirroring Xavier's shock.

"I can't hurt you because my girl, for whatever fucking reason, loves you." Wally pressed out between clenched teeth, glaring down his nose at Xavier. "I don't like you. I think you're a slimy piece of shit who deserves to have your face rearranged." And if that wasn't threatening enough, Wally pushed his finger harder into Xavier's chest, "Don't fucking do it again."

Xavier swallowed dry and nodded as subtly as he could before glancing down at Wally's finger. "How the fuck—?"

Wally obviously knew how the fuck, but he didn't share with the class. Instead, he backed off, turned on his heel and collected Ajay before exiting the locker room.

Xavier deflated against the lockers, taking in shaky breaths as he collected himself.

Eli appeared, clad only in his boxers, towel drying his hair, already rattling about going for pizza with the gang—Mathilda, Hana, Lucas, and, presumably, you—after the dance. When Xavier didn't answer him right away, Eli dropped the towel and looked at Xavier quizzically, "You okay, chief? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Xavier grimaced.

‗‗‗‗•‗‗‗‗

Andrew had just dropped Derek off after another meeting with Dave at his office downtown. There was something about the guy that rubbed Derek the wrong way, but Andrew swore Dave was good people, so Derek did his best to ignore that niggling feeling in the back of his mind.

It was something about Dave's eyes. Almost lifeless. Derek couldn't explain it because, while he was an English teacher and spun allegories out of thin air, he'd never believed that people's eyes were the windows to their souls. Of course, that might've changed since he'd seen absolutely nothing in Dave's.

Shaking off the feeling of unease, Derek let himself into the house. The nurse had left an hour ago, Douglas was asleep in his room, and Derek had approximately two hours of peace before he had to make supper and convince Douglas to eat more than a forkful.

He grabbed a can of Sprite from the fridge and settled on the sofa, ready to indulge in a slice of cheap, reality TV and relax while the house was otherwise quiet.

About half-an-hour into Real Housewives, his phone buzzed on the coffee table. The only person who texted Derek since his arrest was Andrew or his sister, Alice, who'd generously come over to watch Douglas while Derek had been stuck in a cell.

He unlocked his phone and peered at the message he'd received. It wasn't Andrew or Alice, but Meredith Chung.

"What the hell?"

He read it again. And again. A third time, a fourth. Confused since he'd thought the school was done with him and had nothing more to say about what Derek had done to put $40,000 toward Douglas' remaining $120,000 debt.

Apparently he'd been wrong.

Meredith's message urged him to meet her at the school later, after the dance. She had something important to share with him, but she was chaperoning the dance and couldn't meet him anywhere else. A dance Derek had helped the Booster Club raise money for, he thought. Not bitter, just resigned. As he had been for the last week.

This can't wait until tomorrow? He texted back.

No.

He checked the time, calculated how long it would take to put Douglas back to bed for the night, and typed back his response.

I can be there around 11.

That works.

And that was it. She didn't elaborate. Didn't actually specify if it had to do with his arrest or the money, but he couldn't think of another reason Meredith would want him to go to the school. He wondered if Principal Hartman had put her up to this. If so, why? The man still had Derek's number and could reach out himself if it was important.

With a sigh, Derek put his phone back on the coffee table and resettled into the sofa, staring blindly at the TV as his mind swirled.

‗‗‗‗•‗‗‗‗

As the girls browsed their eveningwear options below the stage, Wally was with Ajay in the theater, testing the fit of their own formal attire. There were a few students loitering in the space, including your curvy goth friend. Actors in the Mean Girls Musical to be performed the week before winter exams.

"I seriously don't know what's going on with her," Mathilda told one of her castmates, and Wally knew she was talking about you. "She's been flaky for a couple of weeks, but says everything's okay."

Wally felt a pang of guilt. He wasn't the only reason you'd been ditching your friends; Maddie's case occupied everyone's time, including his. But, he wasn't exactly making it easy for you to spend time with your friends as you normally did. He greedily usurped every spare minute you had outside of class and research sessions (sometimes during research sessions).

"We might need to give her more breathing room," Ajay said, having heard the same conversation. His suit was a little loose, but Ajay wore it well. "If her friends are starting to think she's acting weird, they might stage an intervention and then what'll we do?"

"Haunt them until they leave her alone?" Wally suggested, stripping off his usual grey top to pull on the crisp, white button-up you'd brought him along with the rest of the tuxedo.

A donation from another school. The one Hana's boyfriend attended that had wings and halls and tuition. The tux was the real deal, given to the Mortimer Weston College theater department by an alum who'd been as tall as Wally. Or so Hana had told you and you'd told Wally.

"Because that actually works," Ajay snorted, but Wally caught him staring into the rafters, features tight with grief and anxiety.

He was starting to think Mina would never reappear. The theory that she'd been trapped behind the farmhouse door became more likely as the days passed. Even still, Ajay refused to give up hope. Wally knew it was love. It had to be. It made Wally wonder how the hell he'd been blind to their relationship before Ajay had revealed it.

They talked. They hung out. They were friends as much as Wally was friends with Rhonda and Charley. Yet... Wally hadn't known about Charley and the 'Art Room'—Yuri—or Rhonda and her frequent late-night expeditions to the library—Bernie.

He knew how they'd died from Group sessions. Knew their personalities from years of exposure. Knew surface-level things because no one had really shared things about themselves unless it was prompted in the moment. He'd never been curious enough to ask questions and offer a space for them to open themselves up.

And they hadn't either. Which was...fucking weird, considering how long they'd all been trapped in the school together.

Wally knew Rhonda liked Harry Potter—Slytherine—because he'd caught her reading them when they'd first been added to the library's collection.

He knew Charley's ex-boyfriend was now a teacher at the school because he'd caught Charley haunting him every day for months when Mr. Figueroa had started.

He knew Ajay was a master chess nut because he'd found him shaking his head in disappointment during 2010's chest club tournament.

Happenstance, all of it. No one had freely given Wally that information. And what did they know about him? That he'd died on the 5-yard line, his mama was his hero, he had killer dance moves (that he couldn't wait to show off to you), and that he was a lot smarter than he was given credit for.

Had he ever told them about how he'd felt when he'd died? Had he ever mentioned his cousin, Dennis, who'd been like a brother to Wally and how much Wally missed him?

Maddie was the first person he'd ever admitted hating football to.

"Bro, what's on your mind? I can see the steam coming out of your ears."

Wally's head shot up and he met Ajay's gaze, "Why don't we ever talk about shit that matters?"

Ajay seemed stunned for a moment and then said, "I...thought we did?"

"Dude, I didn't know your parents were deported before your funeral until last week. Why?"

"Because it never came up?" Ajay shrugged, but he seemed to take the absurdity of that into consideration.

They'd been friends since 1992. Thirty-one years of close contact and conversation, yet not once had Ajay shared more about his death than how he'd been squished by a car.

"How did you know about Charley and Yuri?" Wally asked, dropping into a seat and resting his elbows on his knees, expression imploring.

Ajay thought about it and then, "I haven't kept up the habit of sleeping like you guys do for over a decade." He said, "A lot happens at night."

"So no one told you."

Ajay shook his head. "No. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time."

Wally peered at him, thoughts flying at speed inside his skull.

"When did you get curious about the barrier? The symbols?"

"Like I said, Ora said something that made me realize things here aren't as they should be." And then, brow furrowed, "What're you thinking?"

"You don't find it really fucked up that none of us have ever shown an ounce of curiosity for anything important since we got here?" Wally said, his gaze intense. "Until, say, someone who shouldn't be here shows up? Or, in your case, someone who has magical powers that connects them to the fabric of the universe?"

Ajay stared at Wally in disbelief for a moment before his expression shifted into something thoughtful. "Or, in your case, a connection to that someone's sister two years ago and then again last week..."

Disruptions to the status quo. Your energy, your sister's. Maddie's.

Wally and Ajay sat in silence for a moment, letting themselves process what it could possibly mean that they and the other ghosts had never bothered to look closer at their circumstances. Or each other.

"Do you want to bring it up to her tonight?"

Wally thought about it, but ultimately decided, "No. I want my girl to have a good time. She's earned it." He smiled to himself, the image of what he'd planned for later coming to mind.

Ajay eyed him. "Faaace..." He said slowly, referring to the heart-eyes Wally made whenever he thought of you, saw you, held you close. And then, blinking, eyes widening, "Face!" This time accusatory, index pointed at Wally. Finally, scheming, "Face," seeming to embrace what he'd figured out.

Wally blushed crimson, smiling shyly at the ground as Ajay stepped into his space.

"This is where I give you the Big Brother talk and tell you that if you hurt her, I hurt you," He warned, but it was friendly, teasing.

"Trust me, I'd never hurt her." And that was a promise Wally would always keep.

"Then, good luck, bro," Ajay clapped a hand on Wally's shoulder, clearly supportive of the idea that, tonight, Wally intended to give you every piece of himself in every sense of what that meant.

💀___________________________

PART TWO - PART FOUR

also available on AO3!

MASTERLIST

[naughtyneganjdm]

Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 18

Summary: When his laptop starts giving him shit, Joel asks for Y/N's help to fix it which leads to her snooping on it against her better judgement. Wanting to be a better man, Joel goes to Negan to apologize and be more open with him which leads to Joel accepting to be the man he was never allowed to be.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Negan Smith, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/157394716 Warnings: Swearing, Severe Angst, Smut, m/m sex scene, bottom!Joel, Top!Negan, etc.

Notes: My schedule is all fucked up with this story and I'm sorry for that! I obviously won't finish it before Christmas, but I will do my best. This chapter has a m/m sex scene in it. So, putting that out there! You can choose to ignore it if you like. Thanks for reading!

Even though she enjoyed having the time to spend with those that she cared about, there were certain days where Y/N regretted taking as much vacation time as she did from work. Having a busy mind would help her get through the days that she was alone, but since she never took any time off during the year, this was more of a forced time off. Regardless, she had still logged into work today to see if there was anything she could help with. Considering she was all alone today, she didn’t think it would be much of a problem. Joel had a meeting with a potential client, Negan had something to do and the children were with their friends.

Earlier in the day, Joel had come to her in a panic before his meeting because his computer had frozen on him. Joel was convinced it had something to do with the e-mails that he received after he went viral with Negan in New York. Part of him worried that someone had sent him a virus of some kind because they hated Negan. And while that was a possibility, she was certain that Joel’s computer was just giving him shit. It was older. While things were still ill at ease between them with what happened, Joel had stressed to her how worried he was because he had all of his important files and contacts saved on there. Along with photos and videos of the children. He was afraid of losing them, so she offered to help him.

Joel was never really good with technology and she worked on computers all the time, so she really didn’t see it as a big deal. When things went wrong with work at home, she was the only person for the most part that could be IT and fix things herself. So while she was working on something for work, she had been running a system restore point for Joel. And she had also promised to get him a portable hard drive to help him put all of his files onto it so he didn’t lose them.

While she wanted to be mad at Joel, she couldn’t be. Even if she wanted to. Multiple times he texted her and she’d respond. Today was just the first day that they spoke face to face. And while he had a meeting that he had to go to, it didn’t stop Joel from attempting to talk to her about everything. Apologizing multiple times for what he had done the other night at the Christmas Fest when he was drunk. The amount of times he apologized was quite extensive. It was all he could really focus on. How sorry he was. It seemed to really upset him what he had done. He had stressed to her multiple times how much he loved her. How he wanted to do everything right and make her happy. How he wanted to be a better version of himself. Several times he promised her that he wanted them to be close and work on their relationship together.

When his phone went off with Tommy asking him where he was, Joel had to run off. And she promised him by the time that he got back she would have everything handled with his computer. By the time she was done with what she needed to do for work, she returned to Joel’s laptop and it seemed like the system restore point had worked.

From all their years together, she knew Joel’s password was Peter’s name and Elizabeth’s birthday in numerical form. Making sure that the computer was working, she logged into it and was happy to see that it was opening normally. As everything loaded, she realized the folder that he had open was family videos. A video was already open and curiosity got the best of her. Hitting the play button made her smile when she realized that it was a family video from Christmas time of them together.

A sense of awe flooded her veins over the fact that was the last video that Joel was watching before his computer decided to give him shit. Closing up the video, she grabbed the portable hard drive and started to copy some of his family videos onto it so he wouldn’t lose them. Actually, it was pretty cute how many family videos he did have on his computer. Ranging as far back as Elizabeth being a baby. She could see why these were so important to Joel.

While that folder was copying, she went back to his overall videos folder. Joel wasn’t very good with naming things. He was the complete opposite of her. Also opening his photos folder, she felt her throat tighten seeing that some of the first few photos she noticed were Joel and Tess together. They had broken up a while ago, yet Joel still had photos of them together on his computer. Then again, she knew Joel was messy with how he kept things. Dragging his photos folder onto the hard drive, she dropped that down and then went back to looking at his video folder. Clicking on a random folder, she opened a video that was inside of it and let out a tense breath when she realized what it was.

A nervous sound escaped her lips with her looking over her shoulder to make sure that she had turned her computer off so there was no way that her camera was on. When she made sure it was off, she let out a relieved sound and looked to Joel’s laptop again. Stretched out on the bed in the video was a younger version of herself very much naked laying on their bed. It immediately clicked with her that this was one of their personal, naughty videos that they had done together that Joel had assured her that he would delete.

Maybe she should have stopped, but she was watching the video with her heart hammering inside of her chest. A much younger Joel walked into the screen wearing only a pair of light-colored jeans. In the past, Joel was always very much turned on by taking videos of them having sex. It was a kink of his and she was starting to realize that he hadn’t gotten over it. In the video Joel was going down on her with her cries filling the air. Watching closely, she felt her body tensing up when Joel shed his pants and she realized this was one of their romantic sexual moments. While she got the appeal of the videos, considering they had children that were smart, Y/N didn’t know how safe it was to keep these.  

Closing that video and opening another, she felt her face flushing over with heat when she realized it was a video of her giving a blowjob to Joel from his perspective. Quickly closing the video, she felt her face getting hot that he kept all of these. Opening another one, she saw Joel laying over her with her face down on the bed. Joel was setting the camera up on the nightstand before returning to her. When he had the camera the way he wanted, the younger version of Joel smiled and crawled back in over her. His hand curled around her throat pulling her head back while his other hand reached between them to lead his hard cock into her. A loud smacking sound filled the air with Joel filling her and she felt her body getting hot at what she was watching. Unlike the first one, this was pure filth in terms of the kind of sex that they were having.

Honestly? She probably should have stopped there, but she didn’t. Opening video after video of the things that Joel had kept between them. Stopping on one, she realized it was one that was toward the end of the part of their marriage before Joel started to grow cold with her. The video was better probably because Joel was so used to doing the videos. You saw everything in this video. Which mortified her. What if one of the children went on his computer and saw this?

“Look at me,” Joel demanded, his fingers grabbing a tight hold of Y/N’s jaw in the video while their loud, broken breaths continued. The smacking sounds of their skin filled the video while Joel kissed her. Joel’s forehead pressed to hers with a big smile expanding over his features. “I love you.”

There were two thoughts going on in her mind right now. Panic if the children had ever seen this and the other was her wondering what it was that made Joel fall out of love with her not long after. Because in this video? The way that Joel looked at her took her breath away. He was obsessed with her back then. Hooked on her and always wanting to touch her, kiss her and be with her.

“You need to stop,” she huffed to herself, scrolling through the same folder. Truthfully? There were so many videos that they took together that she couldn’t believe she even allowed him to do it in the first place. It was a vast array of things that they had done since they were together. Yes, some of them did get her hot and bothered, but she didn’t know if it was a bad or a good thing that it did.

Part of her was worried that going through the videos she would find something of him and Tess together. But the more she scrolled, the more she began to realize that there was nothing. Which was strange because that was one of Joel’s biggest kinks when they were together. Deep down she had mentally prepared herself to see videos that Joel had done with Tess, yet there were none.

Confusion flooded her veins with just how happy she felt to know that he didn’t have any. Why she felt that way was beyond her. And she was embarrassed to admit that it did make her so fucking happy.

Sliding in closer, she narrowed her eyes and focused on the images realizing the date on one of the videos was toward the end of their marriage. In the thumbnail all she saw that it was Joel and she opened the video up.

“I reckon you’ve been lonely lately and I thought that maybe this would help you,” Joel’s southern drawl filled the air and it had her leaning back into the chair.

This was a new one for her, one she had never seen before. But it was certainly when she was still married to Joel because he had his wedding ring on. Sitting forward in the chair he was in, Joel tugged at the blue t-shirt that he was wearing. Tossing it aside, Joel leaned forward in the chair dragging his fingers across his chiseled jawline. A laugh fell from her throat when Joel flexed his bicep in the video drawing attention to his muscular form. Standing up, Joel stepped back so the camera got just to the top of his head and to his mid thighs. Back then, Joel was in a little better of a shape than he was now with v-line leading toward the top of his pants. Maybe this was something that he made for her in the past but never sent her because they had gotten in a fight. Back then, Joel was a little more arrogant with his body. She definitely remembered those days with Joel palming up over his chiseled abdomen toward his chest. Caressing at it, Joel lowered his hands and dropped them over the belt that he was wearing. This was his way of being seductive and it made her laugh again the way he dragged his fingers across the belt. Tugging it open, Joel took his time opening his jeans and slightly tugging it down over his hips. In the movement, he took his boxer down with it revealing the dark curls of hair right above the base of his cock in a teasing moment.

Turning around in the video, Joel pushed his pants down over his ass to reveal it. Maybe she was wrong for watching it, but since she was married to him at the time, she really didn’t see what the big deal was. Through the video, Joel focused on flexing a little bit before turning to face the camera again. By the time he pushed his pants down fully, his cock bounced with the movement and it made her sigh. Joel jerked off standing up for a bit in the video before adjusting the camera so he could sit back down in the chair and continue.

Back then, she was completely head over heels for him. Back then? Who the fuck was she kidding? She was always going to be head over heels for Joel. So watching these videos was wrong on her part especially since she knew that they would have some kind of effect on her. Really she should have been more mortified than she was that he kept these videos.

At the end, cum was covering Joel’s chest and abdomen with an arrogant smile tugging at his lips. Joel reached for a tissue and cleaned himself up before sliding in closer to the camera to flash a sheepish smile, “I hope you enjoyed that Lucille, it’ll give you something to keep you hot while Negan is gone.”

Suddenly, she leaned forward to stop the video after hearing that bit, “What the fuck?”

Realizing that Joel had his e-mails open and his phone messaging was connected to the computer, Y/N felt a sense of rage flooding her veins. Opening the e-mails, she realized that Lucille’s e-mails were already loaded in the search bar. Snooping was beneath her, but she felt overwhelmed seeing what she just did. Going through the emails, most of them were them just talking. In some of them, he talked very highly about Y/N, but in others he said really awful things about her to Lucille. It seemed like two miserable people in marriages where they needed a friend to talk to. But she did eventually find e-mails of them flirting with one another. What seemed like was originally innocent, turned to e-mails with occasional sexting. But eventually it seemed like things stopped.

If he was doing this with Lucille…suddenly Y/N’s heart sank. Typing in Tess’s name, she found the e-mails that Joel had with her realizing that his e-mails with her were also very sexual during their separation. Upset flooded her body and she knew that it was wrong, but she dived deeper into things opening up Joel’s text messages that were connected to Joel’s phone.

Opening up his messages with Tess, she acknowledged that the last time that Joel wrote her was months ago.

Can we talk please?

That came from Joel after they broke up. Part of her wondered if it wasn’t a mutual thing with them breaking up.  

Scrolling through a few things, the last message she saw came from Tess.

Goodbye Joel. You’re still hooked on your ex-wife. Nothing you can say can change my mind. You’re always talking about her. Comparing me to her. Your heart knows what you want. So does mine. I can see why your marriage ended with Y/N if you were as cold with her as you were me.

Pushing away from the table that Joel’s laptop was on, she didn’t know how to respond to everything that she had seen. Tensing up, the sound of the door opening was heard and she looked back over her shoulder to see that it was Joel entering the house with a big bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bag of take out in the other.

“I know you wanted me to ditch the keys, but this was a good day with work,” Joel started to ramble, closing the door with his heel. “I figured I would get us something to celebrate and hoped we could talk. I picked up the Chinese food that you like and…”

Joel’s smile faded when he saw the expression that was over her face and he let out a nervous breath, “What’s wrong?”

Noticing that the laptop was on, Joel nodded toward it and tipped his head to the side, “Did you figure out everything with the computer?”

“I did,” she answered, folding her arms out in front of her chest. Lowering the flowers at his side, Joel was attempting to read her expression. “I started putting your files onto a separate hard drive so you didn’t lose them.”

“Thank you,” Joel muttered, his head shaking from side to side. “Why are you looking at me like that? I know that expression all too well. It’s been quite some years since I’ve seen it.”

“You left a lot of shit open Joel,” she explained with him setting the flowers and the food down on the coffee table that was in front of the couch. “And maybe I got to snooping. First of all, I thought you promised me when we were together that you would delete all of our sex videos. Yet, I found them. Very easily in your videos folder.”

“Oh,” Joel’s face went red, his chocolate-colored eyes lowering down to the floor. “I just, I uh, I liked those so much that I had a hard time letting them go. I’ve actually watched a few of them lately when I was alone because…”

“Our children aren’t stupid. What if they found the videos Joel?” she snapped at him and it had Joel exhaling loudly. “Joel?”

“They know better than to go snooping on my computer Y/N. It’s my work computer. They both have access to their own computers. They wouldn’t have found it,” Joel assured her, but she wasn’t sure that was the case. It was so easy to get a hold of that anyone could have found the videos. “I never shared them anywhere else. They are just on my computer and…”

“How about you jerking off for Lucille?” Y/N snarled and the expression Joel made looked like he had been hit in the gut with her mentioning that. “While we were married none the less.”

“I…that was…” Joel’s stuttered, his voice growing deeper when he was trying to respond to her with something he could say. “I didn’t…it was…”

“You can’t lie Joel. I did the wrong fucking thing and went through your e-mails,” she was honest with Joel who moved over toward the edge of the couch to sit down on the arm of it. Slouching forward, Joel looked like he was going to be sick. “The two of you were pretty much having an affair.”

“No, no,” Joel was quick to deny her claim, throwing her hands up in the air. “I never had sex with Lucille. Ever. We just talked sometimes and that was it.”

“You sent her a video of you masturbating Joel. I read the e-mails of you two sexting each other,” she threw her hand back toward the computer knowing that she was getting worked up over everything that she found. “We were married and you were still doing that shit. Yet you swore up and down that you never cheated on me!”

“I didn’t!” Joel defended himself, his chest aching with being caught for something he did over four years ago. “I never, ever had sex with anyone while we were married. I fucking swear. All that stuff on the internet was innocent. I never acted on it. Yeah, I sent some photos or some videos, but I swear I never had sex with anyone. You can’t think I did that because…”

“What does it matter if you didn’t fuck anyone while we were married?” she screamed back at Joel noticing the color that was pressing over Joel’s cheeks. “You got divorced so you could. You were desperate to get your dick wet by someone else and you did. And that’s why you divorced me. Now you have and you realized no one is going to put up with you like I did. No one is going to…” she paused, a saddened sound falling from her throat. Lowering her head, she felt her breathing broken and she shook her head. “No one is going to love you like I do.”

“Now that’s not fair,” Joel claimed, throwing his hand up in the air, his face scrunching up at her anger toward him. “I did some fucked up things toward the end of our marriage, but this was four years ago. I’m not the same man.”

“I know, but I just learned this Joel,” she let out something that resembled a sob and she lowered her head hating that she was getting emotional over her breaking into someone else’s private files. “I read the things you said about me to Lucille. You really did hate me.”

“I was very confused back then, but I never hated you,” Joel claimed, his raspy voice growing nervous since he was hoping to work on their relationship, yet she was doing nothing but learning about the worst parts of him from so long ago. “Please, don’t judge me for what I did back then. I know that what I did was wrong, but you have to realize that we were kids when we got together. Your teens and your twenties are when you are supposed to go nuts. Try things. Instead, I was busy being a dad. I only had sex with a few people before we got together and I thought I was missing out on things. I just…”

“You were my first Joel and I was never with anyone else,” she interrupted him, tears burning at her eyes having Joel trying to excuse what he had done. “Yet you didn’t see me desperate to go and fuck other people because I wanted to experience life.” 

“You’re right. I was wrong and I see that now,” Joel agreed with her desperate to have her understand that he wasn’t like that anymore. “I know what I did was wrong. So wrong. But please understand that I’m not that man anymore. Other than Negan, the only person that I’ve been around or even interacted with is you. I don’t have that urge anymore. I had chances to sleep with other people, but I won’t take it because I want to be with you. And…Negan. I want us to work out something with the three of us.”  

“I know you’re not that person Joel,” she alerted him having Joel get anxious about the way she was responding to all of this. “But what you were doing with Tess and Lucille was cheating.”

“By sending photos and videos?” Joel visibly didn’t believe that was cheating. “When we were married I never touched another woman. And I didn’t send anything to Tess until after we were separated. I didn’t cheat on you.”

“But you wanted to,” she focused on the idea of it finding herself heart broken once more by everything that she read and saw. “I think Negan would kill you if he read what I did. If he saw what I saw.”

“I agree,” Joel acknowledged with a disappointed breath. “I was stupid Y/N. What I did was wrong. But I see that now. I stopped talking to Lucille after you and I got divorced. I regret it because she was the one real friend I probably had. Those things...those things you saw were just a small part of us being bored. Did you see her last e-mail? Because that’s what our friendship was really like. We didn’t want to fuck or have sex. We were just two friends that understood each other and what the other was feeling. But then the last e-mail she wrote me, it said everything.”

“Joel, I don’t…” she was going to refuse him, but Joel got up and moved around her to open up the last video that Lucille sent him. Forcing her to watch it by turning her chair to look at the laptop. Instead of fighting Joel like she wanted to, she watched the video and he could tell that it was making her emotional. When it ended, Joel sat on the edge of the table in front of her.

“We really were just friends. You see she loved Negan and she knew I loved you,” Joel insisted going to reach out to touch her, but he reconsidered it with how upset she had been over finding everything and instead lowered his hand down at his side. “I feel horrible. I feel this terrible sense of guilt because I abandoned her and I was the one person she had been open to throughout everything. I knew that she had cancer and I never responded to that e-mail Y/N. I didn’t even see it until the other night. I dropped the ball on everything. I was an asshole and I hate the person that I became. I loved you, I hurt you and I hurt one of my only real friends.”

“I don’t even know what to say right now Joel,” she confessed to him being disappointed with the things that she learned. “You always played yourself like you were a certain kind of person and you weren’t. Back then I was so head over heels in love with you and you meant everything to me. I made you so miserable and…”

“I want to go to therapy,” Joel announced, caressing his hands in over his thighs getting her to lift her saddened eyes to his. “I want to be better for you, I want to be a better friend to Negan. I made so many mistakes and I hate it. I want to make things better, be better for all of you.”

“I don’t know,” she frowned lowering her head and he could hear that she was crying. “I need some time Joel.”

“Y/N? I’m not that guy anymore,” Joel threw his hand toward the computer seeing that she had opened his text messages with Tess so she saw their last interaction together. “You can see that you are it for me. That I have been so hooked on you that even Tess saw it. I love you. I love you so fucking much and…”

“I know Joel!” she yelled at him, getting him to lean back and swallow down hard again. “I know all of this. And right now? You should be furious with me for invading your privacy because I was wrong. I was so wrong to do that to you. And I don’t even know why I’m so fucking upset because we’re not married anymore. I’m not your wife. You’re not my husband. So this shouldn’t upset me like it does.”

“It upsets you because you love me,” Joel reasoned with her, outstretching his hands to cup her face in them tenderly. “I love you Y/N. And you love me. We’re soulmates and nothing we do is going to change that. That’s why it hurts so much. The two of us need to talk. I’ve been thinking really hard about the whole idea of the three of us being together and I…”

“Joel,” she laughed, holding her hand up in the air to stop him from continuing on. “That’s the last thing on my mind right now.”

“You don’t want that?” Joel frowned, his chest aching at the thought of her no longer wanting to be around him because of what he caused. “I thought you wanted to be with both of us. I thought you loved me and him…”

“I do,” she whimpered, getting up from the desk chair to move over toward the couch to sit down. “It’s just right now I’m not okay. I just learned that the person that I was married to wasn’t the man he led me to believe that he was and it doesn’t feel good.”

“I’m sorry,” Joel moved forward to get on his knees before her, giving her a pleading expression when her eyes finally connected with him. “Please understand that I hate the man that I was. I hate the man that I’ve been…but I know what I am now. I know how I feel about things. And I love you more than anything in this world. Other than our children of course. There is something I need to talk to you about from when I was younger. I haven’t told anyone about it and I only just told Tommy, but I think if you let me talk to you about it, you’ll understand some things about me and why I am so broken. Why…”

“I need time Joel,” she restated with a frown, lowering her head into her hand and it had her letting out a tremoring breath. “I just need to think about things, okay?”

“Y/N, please? Let us just talk things out,” Joel begged of her again, his hands grabbing a tender hold of hers. “If there is one thing I’ve realized lately it is how much I truly, genuinely love you. How my world only feels complete when you’re in it. Nothing means anything to me when I don’t have you by my side. I could have all my dreams come true from when I was a kid, but it wouldn’t matter if you weren’t there with me because I’m miserable without you. I’m sorry it took what it did for me to realize just how much you really meant to me.”

Dipping forward, Joel attempted to kiss her, but she was quick to place her hand in over the center of his chest to stop him, “I love you too Joel. And I appreciate the things that you are saying, but right now, I need some time to myself. I promise you I won’t snoop any further on your computer. I’ll let everything run and when it’s done I will make sure everything is safe. Your computer will be ready for tomorrow. Okay?”

“Y/N?” he whispered her name again wishing it wasn’t going down like this. “You’re more important than my computer. You understand that, right? It could be broken for all I fucking care because you mean more to me than anything on that computer.”

“Joel, I love you,” she claimed, her hand outstretching to caress down over the side of his face. “And you’re right. I do have to acknowledge that you aren’t the man you used to be. And I think it’s brave that you want to get help. If I’m willing to accept that Negan is a different man than he used to be, I have to be willing to accept that you are too. And I see that you are. I’m not kicking you out of my life. I want to talk to you. I want us to talk. And I’m not saying no to things, I’m just saying right now I need time to think. I can’t remember the last time I got to be alone and just think things out. And I need that.”

“I was really hoping the two of us could have dinner together and we could talk. About us and maybe our future?” Joel reasoned with her having her frown and bite down on her bottom lip. “Trust me when I tell you that being alone is the worst thing to be when you are upset because you think the worst things. Alone you are going to think negative things about my feelings for you, but I need you to know that I am a very fucked up person. I am very confused about all the emotions and the feelings that I have had. But the only thing I’m one hundred percent sure of is that you are the purest thing I’ve ever had in my life. My feelings for you? How much you mean to me. That’s the only thing I understand. How much I love you. I fight this war in my head of whether or not I’m good enough for you and the simple answer is that I’m not. I’m not good enough for you. But you are the only person that makes me want to do better. You are the only person that I want to be the best version of myself for. There are parts of me that I have hidden my whole life, things I’m not comfortable with, but I’m open to letting them shine through if I have you in my life. You are the realest thing I’ve ever known in my life. Even when nothing makes sense, the only thing that does make sense to me is you. And I know I’m just talking a whole lot right now and I reckon I’m upsetting you, but I know that the good parts of me? The parts worth keepin’? They are there because of you. I need you to know that. I can’t have you thinking otherwise. You can’t keep hurting yourself and thinkin’ things that aren’t true. I’ll give you what you want and I’ll leave. But please don’t keep beating yourself up because I can’t leave knowing that’s what you’re going to do.”

“Joel,” she slid forward on the couch, her fingers brushing into his dark hair. With a weak smirk, she leaned in to bring their lips together in a faint kiss that took his breath away when she pulled slightly back. “I hear everything you’re saying. I do.”

“Okay,” Joel frowned, his thumb dragging out across her bottom lip with sadness flooding into his big brown eyes. “Just promise me you won’t hurt yourself with your thoughts. Because I’m the biggest culprit in doing that and it does nothing good.”

“I promise we can talk about whatever it is you want to talk about,” she almost naturally kissed at the pad of his thumb having Joel suck in a sharp breath of air. “I just need some alone time right now.”

“Yes ma’am,” Joel whispered, lifting up enough to press a lingering kiss against her face. Caressing at the back of her neck, Joel tipped back slightly to gaze down at her. Pressing one final tender kiss over her lips, Joel got up and pointed over toward the food and flowers. “That’s for you. Whenever you want it you can have it.”

Joel headed for the door, but stopped when he grabbed a hold of the door handle, “You are perfect. You were always perfect. And I did have an amazing life. A life people could only dream of having. The perfect wife. I wish I would have never hurt you like I did because you deserved nothing but love. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore. I will never be that person again. I swear.”

Heading for the door, Joel grabbed a hold of it and stopped when she called out to him, “I understand you want to be honest, but don’t tell Negan what happened between you and Lucille, okay? I don’t think he could handle it.”

“Yes ma’am,” Joel swallowed down hard regretting that he let it get to that place so long ago. “Thank you for not wanting me dead.”

A tense exhale fell from Y/N since Joel knew he’d probably die if Negan knew what had happened in the past. Giving Joel a nod, she slid back on the couch and pulled her legs up to her chest to hug them close, “I love you.”

“And I love you,” she replied back taking his breath away when he gave her a half-smirk. “If you ever question that Joel Miller, then you don’t have your head on straight.”

“I question it sometimes,” Joel smirked, lifting up to grasp at his jaw appreciating that he made her smile with his response. Sadness still lingered in her eyes and he knew that he couldn’t fix it right now. He just had to do for her what she asked from him and give her time. That was the best he could do.

----

This was a stupid idea and Joel knew it. Standing in the middle of a snowstorm, waiting for the door to be answered was a far shot. Especially after what he did and said. At this point he had knocked several times and rang the doorbell once.

Clinging to the bag at his side, he started to realize that his nose and ears felt like they were going to freeze off. It was cold and even though he had his jacket on, it wasn’t doing much to keep him warm. One final ring. That’s what Joel told himself. Truthfully? He should have left already, but he didn’t.

When no one came, Joel huffed loudly and felt ashamed of himself. There was some sense of hope that this would go well, but now he was just someone standing out on the porch waiting for someone that was never going to open up to him.

Turning on his heel, Joel stepped down from the porch only to hear the sound of a front door being pulled open. Looking back over his shoulder, Joel felt his throat tightening at the sight of a soaked Negan standing before him in a pair of athletic pants, holding a black t-shirt at his side. Water was dripping from his hair and he looked flustered.

“Before you say anything,” Joel spoke up, approaching Negan while he took his time putting on his t-shirt. Which only made sense since he was standing in the doorway soaking wet during the middle of a snowstorm. “I know you likely don’t want to see me, but…I’m sorry. I was an asshole. A big one.”

Slicking back his hair, Negan leaned against the doorframe and then folded his arms out in front of his chest waiting for whatever it was that Joel was going for. Lifting the bag that was in his hand had Negan’s eyes lowering to look down at it.

“I came with a peace offering,” Joel commented noticing that Negan was still silently eyeing him over now instead of the bag. Sighing loudly, Joel wondered if Y/N had called Negan and told him what happened. Maybe they talked and he learned what an asshole he had been previously. Dropping the bag down at his side, Joel released a disappointed sound and nodded back toward his truck. “I guess I’ll just leave.”

Turning away, Joel heard a whistling sound drawing him to look back again. Wiggling his fingers gesturing for Joel to follow him, Negan stepped back inside of his rental home. Carefully moving back up the sidewalk, Joel headed into the house and closed the door behind him. Negan was already at the fireplace setting a fire to warm the place up.

“I just got home and I was taking a shower,” Negan informed Joel, not even bothering to look back at Joel while he worked on the fireplace. “By how much snow you are covered in, I assume you were out there a long fucking time before you decided to ring the bell.”

Staying quiet, Joel brushed his fingers through his hair realizing that he was in fact covered in snow still. Getting up with a grunt, Negan moved across the room and motioned Joel to turn around. Allowing Negan to take his jacket off, Negan went and set his coat to dry.

“Why don’t you sit by the fire and warm up?” Negan offered, holding his hand out toward the seat that was there, but Joel simply just lifted the bag to suggest that he had something else.

“The offering might melt,” Joel explained having Negan roll his eyes and motion him toward the kitchen. Following Negan into the kitchen, Joel set the bags on the counter. “Did you eat?”

“Not yet,” Negan responded with a huff, leaning against the counter with Joel pulling something out of the bag. Holding one of the cans out to Negan had a confused smile tugging at Negan’s lips. “Canned ravioli?”

“We used to eat it all the time when we were younger,” Joel reminded Negan with Negan reading over the label of the can of food. He didn’t know why, but Joel was nervous. “I remember us eating it all the time growing up.”

“We were poor as fuck,” Negan snorted, clinging tightly to the can of food. Moving over toward the cabinets to grab two bowls for them, Negan set them down on the counter. “It’s been a while since I’ve had these, but sure? Why not?”

“There’s something else,” Joel motioned Negan to wait after he grabbed the can and returned it to the bag. Pulling the next item out of the bag, Joel turned on his heel, holding out the ice cream that he had bought. Accepting the ice cream, Negan looked it over with the lines in his forehead growing. “I know that offering you ice cream in the middle of a snowstorm seems kind of stupid right now, but…”

“This was Lucille’s favorite,” Negan commented, swallowing down hard and lifting his hazel eyes to stare out at Joel. There was an emotion that Joel couldn’t read with Negan staring out at him.

“It was,” Joel exhaled loudly, with Negan’s confusion flooding his face. “I thought maybe we could eat the Chef Boyardee and then afterwards have some ice cream to remember Lucille. Together.”

“Of course you know her favorite ice cream,” Negan frowned, setting the ice cream down on the counter. Grumbling something under his breath, Negan pinched at his nose and shrugged. “The two of you were secret best friends behind our backs after all.”

“I don’t think you would want to call me that,” Joel thought back on his relationship that he shared with Lucille when he was younger. “I wasn’t a very good friend and calling me her best friend would be giving me too much credit.”

“I don’t understand why you two had to hide that you were friends,” Negan commented, frustration visible behind his eyes. A loud gust of wind outside caught both of their attention having them look to the window to see that it was snowing even harder. “I wouldn’t have fucking cared. I would have been fine with it.”

“We were both going through things,” Joel explained, reaching back to brace himself by curling his fingers around the counter. “When one of us needed someone to talk to, we’d talk to each other. Send each other videos, voice messages, e-mails…sometimes she just needed to get things off her mind that she couldn’t talking to someone in her real life and vice versa.”

“I see,” Negan was quiet, his jaw flexing when he looked to the ice cream again. Taking time to think about everything, Negan finally shrugged his shoulders and let out an extended sigh. “We obviously have a lot to talk about.”

“I agree,” Joel breathed out thinking about the things that Y/N had found not much earlier on his computer. Then he thought about the thing that Y/N had asked of him before he left. God, this was stupid, but if he wanted to be a better man…if he wanted to be someone that proved he was changing, he needed to tell Negan what Y/N knew. Because if he didn’t, it would always eat away at Y/N around Negan and probably the same for him. “I have to tell you something.”

“Go for it,” Negan realized that Joel was likely going to be there for a while since this was the worst storm he had seen since arriving in town. There was no way that he was going to let Joel drive home in this storm. Even if it meant having him sleep on the couch.

“I did something bad,” Joel tried thinking about this whole thing. Going back and forth between things, Joel knew it was for the best to go forward with it. “I want to be more like you. I want to be honest with the people that I care about.”

“So now I’m someone you care about?” Negan scoffed, turning back toward Joel. Rolling his eyes, Joel dropped his head and rubbed at the back of his neck.

“Yes. Very much so. Yes,” Joel answered in a whisper, a lump growing at the center of his throat. Licking his lips anxiously, Joel started to realize how cold he actually was right now. Especially with his white t-shirt and his plaid button up being wet. “Which is why I’m doing this.”

Folding his arms out in front of his chest, Negan leaned back against the counter giving Joel his full attention and that truthfully made Joel a hell of a lot more nervous, “When Lucille and I were talking, most of the time it was innocent. We’d talk about our lives, our emotions, our anger…but…” Joel paused considering right now if this was the smartest idea. “There were times when we’d talk a little…heated?”

“Come again?” Negan obviously thought he didn’t hear Joel correctly with Joel clearing his throat. God, this was stupid. And Joel was truthfully preparing for the worst.

“It was originally initiated by me, so don’t think she did it, but we’d sometimes role play a bit. Talk about sex. Things that we’d do to each other if we were together,” Joel stammered fighting the urge to stop talking because he wanted Negan to know what he had done. By Negan’s expression that was not what he was expecting to hear from Joel in the least. “Things on her end were mostly innocent?”

“Mostly?” Negan repeated, his face scrunching up and by that expression? Joel knew Negan was pissed. The color was draining from Joel’s face and he realized he entirely fucked up with going forward with this, but he had to be honest. From this moment on he always swore to do so to be a better man.

“Yeah, mostly. I got an occasional risqué photo. I also did send her photos and videos of my…” Joel paused, his face getting hot when he directed his hands toward the center of his pants. “I’m telling you because Y/N was working on my computer today. She discovered some of those videos and read some of our e-mails. And I’ve decided that I don’t want to hide from people about the asshole that I used to be. I want to have the trait that you have of telling people everything.”

“You sent my wife dick pics?” Negan smirked uncomfortably with Joel nodding his head. There was a silence that filled the house and the only thing that was heard was the loud wind that was outside. “Did the two of you ever fuck?”

“No,” Joel immediately threw his hands up in the air and cleared his throat. “When I was married to Y/N, I never had sex with another person. It was only at the end of our marriage that I talked dirty, I sent some videos of me jerking off sometimes and the occasional nude photo, but I never…”

With a swift move forward, Negan’s fist connected with Joel’s face having him fall to the ground in a thud at the center of Negan’s kitchen. Groaning out, Joel rolled onto his stomach with his hands covering his face. For a skinny guy, Negan sure as hell hit fucking hard. Hitting his hand against the floor, Joel tried to count to himself. Most of the time if someone hit him, he would fight back, but he knew with this hit? He deserved it.

Ten minutes later Joel was sitting on the couch holding a pack of ice on his nose while poking at the bowl of the warmed-up ravioli that was on the coffee table with a fork. Negan was sitting beside him eating his bowl of ravioli and Joel huffed, “Did you have to hit me so hard?”

“It was a one and done,” Negan spoke with a mouthful gazing over at Joel who pulled the ice pack from his nose. Reaching out with his free hand to grab a hold of Joel’s chin, Negan observed Joel’s nose and shrugged his shoulders. “It doesn’t look too bad.”

“Oh, good. I just bled all over your floor for the first five minutes,” Joel sarcastically stammered, resting the bag of ice back over his face.

“You fucking deserved it,” Negan snorted shoving another piece of ravioli into his mouth, looking to the television where he had on a football game. “First, for what you told me. Second, because Y/N hasn’t done it to you. Third cus’ you kept suggesting I’m only doing this to get back at you when you know I was and am very much fucking in love with Y/N. And fourth because I needed to knock you back for last night. My jaw still fucking hurts from your first hit.”

Groaning out, Joel dropped his head back against the couch and adjusted the pack of ice over his face, “So she said she doesn’t want to talk to you, huh?”

“She told me that she needed space and time,” Joel recalled what Y/N had told him before she kicked him out of the house. “I don’t blame her man. She sees what I did as cheating. And in a way, I guess it was.”

“It wasn’t so much cheating as it was having an emotional relationship with other people,” Negan explained, his throat flexing with his next bite of his food. “You were going to someone else to talk to instead of coming to her and you were sharing parts of you that at the time, belonged to her.”

Dropping the ice pack into his lap, Joel scoffed and then reached for the bowl of food that Negan had made for him after he helped him clean up his face, “So you saw my wife’s parts?”

Instead of speaking, Joel looked to Negan and chewed slowly. There was a muscle that twitched in Negan’s jaw and he scoffed, “they were good parts.”

“Your wife was very attractive,” Joel agreed with Negan as he reached out to turn the volume down on the television with the remote that was on the coffee table. “Both of our wives were very attractive.”

“I still think you’re insane,” Negan claimed, finishing off his food waiting for Joel to finish with his. However, Joel was being very slow with eating since Negan assumed it hurt for him to eat. The look that Joel gave him was that of someone who wasn’t surprised but was waiting for the why. “Y/N is perfect, I don’t know how you could have left her for Tess. Not that Tess isn’t attractive, but I remember what she was like when we were younger.”

“I didn’t exactly leave her for Tess,” Joel blurt out with a mouthful, his head immediately shaking at the suggestion. “Yes, I dated Tess for a while, but I just wanted to experience life. I could say the same thing about you with Lucille. We both made idiotic decisions that looking back on don’t make too much sense.”

“Touché,” Negan scoffed getting comfortable on the couch again, dropping his head back against it.

“Then again you were never stupid enough to let Lucille go,” Joel compared the two of them out loud, “I should have never divorced her. I don’t know what I was thinking. Thinking back now I realize what a big mistake it was. When I was younger I was certain I would lose her to you and then I’m the one that lets her go.”

“Joel,” Negan slurred, his head dropping to the side to gaze out at Joel who was still poking at his food. “I don’t mean to point this out, but what you’ve told me with Lucille and what you did when I was young with Y/N, you do realize that it feels like you’re the one with a fucking vendetta against me, right? You’ve been claiming I’ve done all of this to get back at you, but…”

Muttering something under his breath, Joel shoved another piece of ravioli into his mouth and it had Negan snorting at the way he was avoiding the answer, “Way to avoid the conversation.”

“I’m not avoiding it,” Joel huffed sitting forward so he didn’t have to look at Negan even though out of the corner of his eye he could still see that Negan was staring out at him. “It’s just not true. I don’t have a…vendetta against you.”

“Mhmm…” Negan didn’t say much with Joel finishing up his food. After Joel set the bowl down on the coffee table, Negan was quick to pick them up to go clean them. With Negan gone, Joel just took that time to put the ice pack back on his face. Not long after Negan dropped back down onto the couch, patting his hands on his thighs. “I actually have a theory, but I think I’ll make you pissed if I say it.”

“Like it would be the first time you pissed me off,” Joel reasoned with Negan who gave a dramatic expression while considering it.

“Not yet,” Negan announced, contemplating his next thought. “You got really angry with me about doing the thing at the bar with your singing. Why did you get so bitchy about it? You can’t tell me that it didn’t feel good being up there. Living out your dreams. Your kids told me you went viral with me and Y/N told me about all the e-mails you have been getting with your job alone.”

“Because everything I have, I did myself,” Joel spoke honestly, his eyes sincere when he did actually look at Negan for this answer. “I don’t like people handing things to me. Yes, it felt good to be appreciated for something I used to love to do, but it would have meant more if I did it myself. I’m just that kind of person.”

“I see,” Negan took time to think about the answer. “Did anyone else contact you?”

“Other than the hundreds of e-mails that there was no way I could truly get through them all?” Joel mumbled, throwing his hands up while keeping a tight hold of the ice pack. “My laptop fucked up and that’s how Y/N got a hold of it to see all the stupid shit I did when we were nearing our divorce.”

“I just can’t picture being married to Y/N and letting her go,” Negan swayed from what they were talking about eliciting a grunt from Joel at how fast he seemed to change the topic. “I swear, just the way she looks at you—Lucille used to have the same kind of look. Where you know that she loves you. It takes my breath away.”

Watching Negan, Joel felt his throat tense up knowing that he still wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea of Negan with Y/N, “And God, with sex? I can’t get over what she’s like during sex. The way those eyes lock on yours when she’s about to give you a blowjob. There is something about the way that she gets a rise outta you first. The way she just kneels down between your legs. Those teasing touches where she palms over your thighs and down your legs to squeeze at your calves before up again. I like how she just doesn’t jump right into it, y’know? She makes it a big thing. Even when she starts to undo your belt and your pants. It’s so sexy. The want…the passion…”

“Negan?” Joel breathed out, noticing that Negan was caressing over his own thigh.

“But her actual blowjobs?” Negan growled, dramatically bobbing his head about and throwing his hands up in the air to stress his words. “God? It’s the perfect mix of firm and delicate. With the way her fingers curl around your cock. She truly worships your body. You know? Just slow, focused touches. She’s so meticulous with the way that she watches you to make sure you’re enjoying it. And the way she wets her lips with her mouth so close to your cock? Teasing the warmth of her breath over your shaft having your anticipation growing. Wanting her to take you in. And then when she starts to lick it? Treating you like you are her own personal lollipop that she is so fucking thankful for. It just leaves you begging for her to take it into her mouth. And when she plays with your balls? Christ.”

Joel felt a warmth flooding through his veins. It should have been anger, but the way Negan was saying and stressing things, Joel noticed that his heart was starting to pound inside of his chest, “By the time she finally takes you into her mouth? Fuck, you’ve already been begging for it. And the way she keeps her eyes locked on you with the warmth of her mouth just focusing on the tip? It almost feels like she tries to fucking overstimulate you to get you sensitive before she starts to really give you the blowjob. It’s incredible what she’s fucking capable of considering she’s only been with two men.”

Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Joel shifted beside Negan with him continuing on, “And when she wants to be on top? Fuck me. I feel like I’m a teenage boy all over again with how excited I am. The way it feels when she finally gets the tip inside of her? Fuck, it feels so good. With the warmth of her tight pussy just clinging to you as you stretch and fill her until she takes all of you in. The way she looks is like she is experiencing the purest form of pleasure she has ever…”

“Okay,” Joel interrupted Negan reaching for the pillow that was beside him to cover his lap with it. After all of that Joel realized he was starting to get hard just with the detailed descriptions and it made him embarrassed. “Enough.”

“Did I give you a boner?” Negan chuckled with Joel’s face flushing over. A loud rumble of laughter fell from his throat with Joel shifting uneasily beside him pushing the pillow further into his lap.

“You did it on purpose,” Joel suggested feeling embarrassed with Negan so amused with what he had done. By the way Negan was talking, Joel knew that was exactly what Negan was going for. “I am attracted to her and you’re talking about something I know very well. My body liked picturing what you were selling. And you knew it would.”

“Eh, it just tells me that you’re bisexual,” Negan alerted Joel waving his hand about showing that he had indeed done it on purpose. “I was just testing things.”

“Testing things? How do you reckon I’m bisexual with me getting a hard on from you getting me to picture the woman I love doing those things?” Joel was confused, his right eyebrow arching up in curiosity.

“Because if you didn’t get an erection from me doing that I wondered if you truly were bisexual or if you had a preference for men,” Negan explained further why he did what he had done having Joel breathing heavily.

“Why do you suddenly think I’m extremely gay?” Joel scowled, his voice sounding angrier with each passing second. “Just because you’re the one that is open to fucking other men doesn’t mean I’m like you. I’ve been with one man based on conflicting emotions that I got when we had a threesome with Y/N and you’re the one who has slept with God knows how many men.”

“Right, you only slept with me because of conflicting emotions,” Negan snorted, his eyes rolling before he stood up from the couch and paced in the living room.

“It’s amazing that the internet seems to think you are this incredible ladies’ man,” Joel stood from the couch still keeping the pillow over him with one hand to hide himself from Negan. Negan moved over to the corner of the room to get himself a drink from the alcohol shelf that was there and Joel could feel a rush of anger flooding through him. “Yet you don’t have a problem with smoking pole and you do a hell of a job at it. How have you not gotten your ass beat by your team with you being…”

“Being what? Is this where you’re gonna mock me for being attracted to men?” Negan wondered, turning on his heel taking a long sip of the alcohol before hissing out. “Go for it Joel, it’s not like I haven’t heard the gay jokes before. So go ahead. Bring them on.”

Negan wiggled his fingers and it had Joel’s jaw tensing, his eyebrows bouncing up when Negan shrugged his shoulders, “Go ahead buddy. Let’s hear it. I am attracted to men, women, people in general. So if you want attack me for it, go ahead. If that makes you feel more comfortable about your sexuality, bring it on buddy. Make daddy proud.”

Joel’s lips parted like he was about to say something and Negan tipped his head to the side, raising his free hand to place it against his ear like he couldn’t hear Joel.

“That’s what I fucking thought,” Negan snarled, finishing off the glass that he poured for himself. “You want me to feel bad about myself for that? I don’t. You act like there weren’t signs of you being bisexual when we were younger which is fucking hilarious.”

“I’ve never slept with another man before you,” Joel scoffed when Negan poured himself another drink and went over to the couch to rest against the back of it. With the way Negan was looking at him, Joel immediately shook his head and cleared his throat. “I didn’t.”

“Right because jerking off with your friends was totally straight,” Negan’s voice changed, his jaw flexing when he saw a bit of color flush into Joel’s face. “Like I’m supposed to forget the two of us jerking off all the time together. How at first we’d just sit across the room from each other. And how we gradually got closer to one another until you started jerking me off and vice versa. So fucking straight.”

Joel said nothing, just lowered his head down with his lips parting, “I don’t know what got into you to make you this raging homophobe toward yourself, but your dad is dead Joel. You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not for a man that isn’t even here anyways. If you want to say you just got excited by the porn, go for it. But we both know you paid way more attention to me jerking off than you did the porn. And let’s not forget, it was you that touched my dick first. You wanted me to fuck you so bad back then.”

Moving around the couch, Joel stared down at Negan while he finished off his drink and set the glass down, “So tell me Joel. What kind of fantasies did alpha Joel have back then? Did you want me to fuck your ass or did you want to fuck mine? It had to kill you when we were in the showers together. Seeing me naked and knowing that you had to pretend to be straight when all you wanted was to fuck me.”

A moment later, a strong amount of force yanked Negan out of the chair pulling him up to his feet. Joel had the material of Negan’s shirt balled up in his fist when Negan chuckled and shrugged, “Go ahead Joel. Beat up the queer guy. Get that straight male rage out. Prove you’re so straight that you would hurt me just for suggesting that you had feelings for me when we were younger.”

“Fuck you Negan,” Joel shoved Negan back into his chair making it tip back slightly.

“What is wrong with having feelings for another man?” Negan snarled at Joel who went over to the edge of the couch to bury his head into his hands. “You were more attracted to me than you were her when we were younger. Yet now you’re pretending that you never had an ounce of gay in you,” Negan was angry with Joel who lifted his head up from his palm to glare out at Negan. “Don’t lie. It was me you wanted to have sex with. I always wondered why you didn’t like her. She crushed on you so hard and she didn’t make it a secret. But no, it was me that you were constantly around. I always thought I saw you sneaking looks every time we were naked around each other. It also makes sense why it infuriated you that I was saving my virginity for the woman that I was in love with. Why you always fucked with me and made me feel bad about my relationship with Y/N.”

“I wasn’t gay,” Joel stressed with a rumble of an angered sound. “I’m not gay.”

“I never said you were. I’m suggesting that you’re a bisexual struggling with your sexuality,” Negan growled, his eyes narrowing with Joel’s breathing growing louder. “Notice you don’t deny what I’m saying. It was me that you had a crush on. And then you fucked her to get back at me. It was then you realized just how fucking perfect she really was. I don’t blame you for that because she was pure and everything right in the world. But pretending you’re this straight homophobic piece of shit is ridiculous. Maybe your father was like that, but you’re not. Being attracted to me sexually doesn’t negate your feelings for her either. You can still be head over heels in love with her and still want to explore that part of you.”

Standing up from the chair that he was in, Negan moved across the living room and stepped before Joel, “You can do that because she gave us permission. She gave you permission, but you’re scared. It doesn’t upset her.”

“Yeah Negan. What do you want me to say?” Joel bit back an angered breath. “Yes, I liked you. I liked you so fucking much. And I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I knew it was wrong. When we started doing things together, you hadn’t done anything with Y/N yet because she was too fucking young. But I wasn’t stupid. While she was always in love with me, you were always in love with her and I…”

Tipping his head to the side, Joel rolled his eyes and forced himself to keep his head down while he rubbed at the back of his head, “You’re right. I always liked you. But you know just as much as I do what happened to me. So being this way with me is cruel. Stop mocking me for the way that I felt. The way that I feel because my father beat the shit outta me Negan. You know that. I had to pretend everything was fake or else I lost everything. And you dropped it just as quick. Liking you led to me getting my ass kicked by someone I loved. Someone I thought was a good man. So please stop mocking me.”

“Joel,” Negan breathed, backing off with Joel getting upset about what happened when they were younger. “That wasn’t my intention. I just want you to be able to be yourself.”

“It’s hard,” Joel stressed, placing his hand in over the center of his chest. “You saw me. You knew how much he hurt me. So please give me a break if I’m taking my time opening up to the idea of being attracted to women and…you. Because liking you got me punished. Real bad.”

“You’re right,” Negan swallowed down hard, giving Joel a firm nod. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about it like that. I’m fucking sorry.”

Nodding his head, Joel tried not to get emotional about everything when he shrugged his shoulders, “Yeah, I was jealous that you were head over heels in love with Y/N. I wanted you to like me. And I did what I did because you embarrassed me, but I’m telling you the truth when I say that falling in love with her? That wasn’t against you. I told her and she doesn’t believe me, but I questioned if I was gay or straight for a long time. I just knew that I wasn’t right. And then this one time in class I was talking to our friends on the team and I saw her smile while talking to someone in the front row. It took my breath away. And then when we slept together? The way it felt, the way she looked at me? I fell immediately. So it wasn’t to hurt you. I felt things for you. I feel things for you. Things I wasn’t allowed to follow through with, but I fell deeply in love with her. And that wasn’t a vendetta against you.”

“I believe you,” Negan stammered, his hazel eyes narrowing with him caressing down over the side of his own face. “I saw the way that the two of you looked at one another. I’m not stupid. Nor am I blind. But the Lucille stuff?”

“We got carried away,” Joel didn’t have a good enough reason for what happened with them back then. “We were close, she was beautiful. I don’t know what to tell you Negan. We both have good taste I guess? It wasn’t about having a vendetta. I was always jealous of you Negan, we both know that. But…”

Stepping before Joel, Negan’s eyes locked with his and he outstretched his hands. Placing them in over the center of Joel’s chest, Negan caressed down over the lengths of his abdomen. Stopping at Joel’s belt, Negan started to work it open having Joel swallowing loudly, “I know Joel…”

Sliding his hand over the front of Joel’s pants, Negan cupped Joel in his palm with Joel watching closely. Closing the distance between them, Negan’s breath was warm against the side of his neck and it had Joel’s eyes coming to a tight close. Working open Joel’s pants, Negan was rough in the way he got the material of Joel’s jeans and his boxer briefs down in the front allowing Joel’s rigid manhood to bounce free from its confines. Firmly curling his fingers around Joel’s shaft had Joel groaning out when Negan’s started caressing over his body. Sheathing Joel’s cock again and again had Joel panting against the side of his neck.

“You don’t have to be mad at yourself for liking me. It was never a problem that you did,” Negan bit at Joel’s chin area before pressing kisses up over Joel’s jawline. “Your dad was an asshole. You’re not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re so angry at the world because you were never truly allowed to thrive mainly because of your parents. Stop being so angry Joel and allow yourself the things that you want. Together we can all work to break down this wall you had to put up to hide behind. Behind it’s helping no one. Y/N is okay if you like me. I’m okay with it. Allow yourself to be okay with it.”

“I’m such a fucking mess,” Joel confessed, sucking in a sharp breath of air with Negan starting to pepper kisses against the side of his neck.

“Yeah? So am I,” Negan scoffed, his hand continuing to caress over Joel’s flesh, “You should just allow yourself to be pampered by the two people you want most in the world.”

“You don’t understand,” Joel winced, biting down on his lip. It felt like the room was spinning around him and he had to close his eyes.

“I understand why you think you need to do what you are,” Negan stated pulling his hand from Joel’s length having Joel whine when he did it. “I just don’t agree with your decisions.”

Dropping carefully to his knees, avoiding hurting his bad knee, Negan grabbed a firm hold of Joel’s pants tugging them down. Stumbling to stay on his feet, Joel breathed heavily with his eyes lowering down to watch Negan. Pushing up at Joel’s button down and his white t-shirt, Negan kissed at the area below Joel’s belly button. Compared to what he was used to, it felt different with Negan’s short beard teasing at his flesh.

Palming down in over Joel’s hips elicited a sharp exhale from Joel. Sliding his hands around Joel’s hips, Negan grasped at Joel’s fleshy bottom and slid his hands down to the back of Joel’s thighs before up again. Nipping at the area just below Joel’s belly button had his hand lifting to sink into Negan’s thick hair.

“Please,” Joel stammered, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. Tipping his head back, Negan dragged his bottom lip up the length of Joel’s hip toward his lower abdomen again. The way Joel’s big brown eyes were focused on him made Negan smile. “Please Negan, I need this.”

“Look at you begging,” Negan muttered arrogantly, his eyes narrowing with Joel sounding and looking incredibly desperate. Giving a single nod, Negan adjusted his knee so he’d be more comfortable. Each stroke of Negan’s hand over Joel’s cock grew quicker going from base to tip. Feeling Joel slightly bouncing his hips forward with every movement of Negan’s hand over his uncut cock made an amused rumble fall from Negan. “See, if you just accept yourself as you are, you don’t have to worry about begging me to suck your cock Joel. You can just have it and not feel guilty.”

Joel’s face grew tense when Negan extended his tongue out, tapping Joel’s cock against the wet, warmth of it. Involuntarily, Joel’s hips flexed bringing his hips closer to Negan who snickered against his flesh. The sensation drew chills down Joel’s spine and he tugged harder at Negan’s hair.

Catching onto the frustration, Negan started to press wet kisses over the tip of Joel’s swollen member. Every caress of his lips over Joel’s sensitive flesh grew stronger until Negan took Joel into the warmth of his mouth. One hand squeezed at Joel’s hips while the other stroked over Joel’s shaft. Together his hand and mouth worked in unison to provide Joel with as much pleasure as he could. Taking Joel further back into his throat had Joel’s head tipping back with a raspy moan falling from him. Negan was taking his time letting his tongue tease over every ridge of Joel’s cock and he felt like this was big for Joel since he was allowing himself to be more open to the person he wanted to be.

Wet sounds filled the air as Joel started to unhurriedly thrust his hips forward toward Negan’s throat. By the pressure that was over his hip, Joel knew that Negan wanted to control this tempo, but it was almost instinctive to meet those movements.

Even though Negan knew Joel was excited to explore this whole thing, when Joel started to thrust his hips just a bit too hard it had Negan pulling back with a wet popping sound. It drew out a disappointed grunt from Joel who was breathing loudly.

Unexpectedly, Joel reached down to grab a firm hold of Negan. How easily he pulled Negan up onto his feet surprised Negan. Balling Negan’s shirt up into his grasp had Negan falling forward bringing them closer together.

Eagerly, Joel moved forward to bring their lips together in a forceful kiss that shocked Negan. Grunting against Joel’s mouth, Negan realized there was some sense of Joel trying to show dominance in the moment, but he was too focused on that instead of allowing things to feel good.

“Dial it down a notch,” Negan instructed, pulling his mouth away from Joel to drag his thumb across Joel’s bottom lip. Collecting the dampness that was there, Negan shook his head and hushed Joel. “We’re both alpha males, but we don’t have to beat the shit out of each other to make a point. Slow down. For fucks sake. Allow yourself to enjoy things.”

“I’m new to this,” Joel defended himself, taking Negan’s thumb between his lips to flick his tongue out against the tip of it. A deep rumble of a moan escaped Negan with his eyelids growing heavy. Fuck, he wondered if Joel realized how much that turned him on.

“You can’t be this rough with Y/N, are you?” Negan inquired finding himself completely impressed when Joel took his thumb into his mouth. Trying to keep it together, Negan felt his heart skip a beat with the way that Joel was sucking faintly at his thumb and then nibbled at the tip.

“Sometimes,” Joel breathed loudly, his eyes heavy with lust in the moment.

“Well chill the fuck out,” Negan snickered looking down between them. Shoving Joel had him tripping over his own pants that were hooked around his ankles. Falling back onto the couch, Joel grunted with Negan shaking his head. “There is a storm outside, we have time to explore this.”

Pulling at his own shirt, Negan raised it above his head stretching out his long torso when he tossed the material aside on the floor. Adjusting the waistband of his black athletic pants, Negan watched as Joel fumbled to open his button-down shirt that he was wearing.

“How is this supposed to work?” Joel gulped down with a pant, struggling to get the material from his body. “I don’t know what to do with this whole poly thing.”

“It’s the three of us sharing each other mutually. No anger. No jealousy. She can have you or me. You can have me or her. And so on,” Negan stated, sucking at his bottom lip. With a crooked smirk, Negan knew that this would be a hard thing to agree upon, but he felt like it was the most positive outcome for them all. “That way, we’re all happy.”

“And she’s okay with that?” Joel inquired grabbing the bottom of his t-shirt. Pulling it from his body, Joel tossed it aside. Going to work off his pants, Joel let out a tremoring breath when Negan motioned him to stop. Lowering down, Negan grabbed a hold of the material and tossed them to the ground with a thud.

“Have you been listening to her?” Negan wondered, holding his finger up to motion Joel to wait. Moving down the hallway, Joel wondered if he should have been following Negan who soon returned to the living room after shoving something into his pocket. Stepping before Joel had Joel’s chocolate brown eyes lifting up to stare at Negan. Shakily leaning forward, Joel’s fingers made contact with the side of Negan’s hurt leg and it had Negan sucking in a sharp breath of air. Rubbing his cheek in over Negan’s thigh through the material of his pants, Joel closed his eyes with Negan stroking his fingers through his thick hair, “I think once you learn to accept who you are, you’re going to love yourself so much more Joel.”

“I don’t even know who I am,” Joel admitted with a tremoring breath. It was true. There was so much about himself that Joel didn’t understand.

“And that’s what we have to work on,” Negan hummed stroking his fingers over the back of Joel’s neck. “First, you have to stop hating yourself for things you can’t control. Feelings you’ve had since you were a teenager.”

“I hate myself for just about everything,” Joel confessed, tipping his head back to meet Negan’s eyes with his big puppy dog stare. “You don’t understand…”

“I do. I understand hating yourself very much,” Negan swept his thumb in over Joel’s jaw realizing how eager Joel was to have Negan touch him. “That’s not a new feeling for me Joel. It’s been there my whole life too.”

Clasping Joel’s jaw between his thumb and index finger, Negan bit down on his bottom lip and nodded toward the couch, “Lay down with your head resting on the arm of the couch.”

Obeying, Joel lazily stretched out on the couch doing as he was instructed. His mouth went dry with Negan palming over the front of his pants gazing over Joel’s body, “Are you a top or a bottom?”

“Neither, I like both,” Negan responded with a wrinkle of his nose. “Both have their merits and both feel really fucking good when done right. Both fucking take a certain talent. Focus. Relaxation. Preparation. Each provides different kinds of pleasure.”

Moving to the couch, Negan got on his knees over Joel hovering over Joel’s chest. Pushing down the waistband of his athletic pants in the front, Negan allowed his semi-erect cock to pull from the material. Touching himself, Negan felt a rush of excitement at the way Joel’s dark eyes gazed over his body.

“You seemed to like both the other night,” Negan reminded Joel of their time together in New York. The reminder had Joel’s face growing hot with red flooding into his cheeks at the reminder of them sleeping together. “Wet your lips.”

Glaring up at Negan, Joel was dramatic in the way he did it and Negan sank his fingers firmly into Joel’s hair, “This dick isn’t gonna suck itself.”

Outstretching his arm, a firm smack filled the air followed by a groan from Negan after Joel hit him. Wincing, Negan rubbed at the side of his face. There was a pinging sensation from the hit and Negan rolled his eyes. Returning the gesture, Negan smacked at the side of Joel’s face. It was enough power to make a point with Joel hissing beneath him.

Bracing his left hand in over the arm of the couch, Negan licked his lips while leaning forward. Curling his fingers at the base of his own cock, Negan placed the tip of his manhood at Joel’s lips hearing Joel’s breathing getting louder. Parting his lips, Joel allowed Negan to push his length into the warmth of his mouth. Circling Negan’s girth with his lips, Joel’s eyes closed with him attempting to deliver to Negan what he liked with a blowjob.

“That’s it,” Negan hummed starting to thrust his hips toward the warmth of Joel’s wet mouth allowing his cock to grow fully rigid with Joel pleasuring him. “Don’t forget to use your tongue.”

Tipping his head back, Negan moaned with Joel listening to his direction. This was what Negan assumed was Joel’s first time really giving a blowjob, so it really wasn’t that bad for a first time. Dropping his head back, Joel’s wet lips kissed at the shiny tip of Negan’s cock getting a growl from the man over him. “You have nice lips, y’know that?”

“I got a lot of nice things,” Joel breathed with a weak smirk pressing another wet kiss at the underside of Negan’s erection. Getting up from over Joel, Negan stood at the side of the couch. Digging into his pocket, Negan pulled out a condom and some lube which had a breath catching in Joel’s throat. Holding out the condom, Negan waited for Joel to grab it. Accepting the condom, Joel swallowed down hard with Negan kicking out of his athletic pants. Holding onto the condom, Joel considered it for a while until lifting the condom back up toward Negan. “I want you to be the top.”

“Are you sure?” Negan inquired, his eyebrows furrowing after taking the package back from Joel. Setting it aside, Negan wiggled his fingers motioning Joel to lay on his stomach. “I need to prep you like last time.”

Carefully rolling over, Joel got comfortable and let out a long exhale. The warmth of Negan moving in over him had his eyes coming to a tight close. Negan was cautious with the way that he moved over Joel starting with caressing over Joel’s shoulders to get him relaxed, “That’s not what I thought you were going to focus on.”

“You wanna loosen up all around before this,” Negan commented working on Joel’s tight muscles. Grumbling Joel buried his head further down enjoying the way that it felt. Sinking into the couch, Joel realized that it had been a very long time since he had anyone doing this for him.

“You keep doing this and I’m going to fall asleep,” Joel alerted Negan with a tired breath finding himself getting too comfortable. “What happens after we do this?”

“What do you want to happen?” Negan inquired, the warmth of his breath hovering in over Joel’s shoulder. Depositing faint kisses there, Negan listened to the sounds that Joel was making to see if he seemed comfortable. “Depends on you I guess. I love Y/N, it’s not gonna change. She means everything to me. I’m still gonna be attracted to you. I’m open to trying something between the three of us. See where it goes.”

Once Negan started caressing over Joel’s lower back it had Joel looking over his shoulder. A chill ran up Joel’s spine with Negan’s hands dragging down over Joel’s sides, “Are you safe with sex?”

“I’d like to think I was safe,” Negan responded reaching out to grab the bottle of lubrication that he had brought with him. “I don’t ever try to hurt anyone, but you never know what someone is comfortable with.”

“Not what I mean,” Joel turned his upper half, his jaw flexing when Negan started to squeeze at Joel’s ass. An involuntary moan escaped Joel’s throat with the way that Negan was touching him, surprising even Joel in that moment. “I mean, do you wear condoms?”

“I have only slept with three people without a condom,” Negan alerted Joel with a wrinkle of his nose having Joel lower back down onto his stomach. “I also am checked out all the time by a healthcare professional with my job.”

“Lucille, Y/N and…?” Joel waited for the answer having Negan snort when he heard it. “What?”

“Are you forgetting the other night all together?” Negan stammered, his eyes narrowing with Joel turning onto his side to look back at him. “You were kind of eager at the apartment the other night. I was in my pajamas, you didn’t have condoms, it was meant to be a family trip…”

“Oh,” Joel’s lips were parted as Negan made an amused expression. “I didn’t think about that. Why are you doing it now?”

“Because practicing safe sex is a good thing?” Negan suggested, his right eyebrow arching in curiosity. “Not saying that you’re dirty or anything, but…”

“Got it,” Joel retorted with a rumble, his head lowering with Negan continuing to palm at his fleshy bottom.

“I kind of assumed after the threesome it was okay…” Negan’s words lingered and the sound of the lid of the lube opening was heard. Breathing loudly, Joel’s eyes squeezed shut tighter with the sensation of the cool liquid dripping down over his body. “What about you?”

“Just…uh…two,” Joel breathed against his arm, biting down on his bottom lip. It sounded kind of ridiculous thinking about it, but he never trusted someone enough to do that with them. Especially when he already had two children, “And you’re the second so…”

“Boy scout,” Negan joked, bringing his palm down firmly over Joel’s ass provoking a wince from his throat. “You have such a nice ass.”

“Jealous?” Joel smirked with an amused rumble. Another firm smack over his bottom caused him to grunt this time.

“I have a nice ass too, mine just isn’t so big,” Negan defended himself with a growl, circling his fingers at Joel’s pucker having Joel clench up before him. “Relax or nothing will feel good. If this isn’t what you want, I’ll happily switch with you.”

Doing as he was told, Joel bit down on his bottom lip with Negan’s fingers pressing into him. It had Joel wrapping his arms around the throw pillow that was there. Truth was? Negan was very gentle. And probably very good at getting him prepared. Most people could only be so lucky to have Negan be the first person they slept with in this case.

“I think Y/N wishes you would have been her first,” Joel admitted getting a quiet laugh from Negan behind him. Warmth pressed in over the side of his neck as Negan’s lips descended down over it. “You’re good at what you do.”

“If I would have been her first, I was a virgin then too,” Negan reminded Joel with a smirk, nipping gently at the skin over Joel’s neck. “It might have been careful and gentle, but it probably wouldn’t have been great. Lucille let me know that I could use some work.”

A low rumble of a moan escaped Joel and he turned his head a certain way so Negan could pamper the side of his neck with kisses, “But you knew Y/N’s body better than Lucille’s.”

“Regardless, no one is perfect their first time,” Negan defended, nuzzling his nose at the area right behind Joel’s ear. Shudders flooded Joel’s body and he sucked in a sharp breath of air. “What was meant to happen, happened.”

Arching his back, Joel let out another moan with Negan’s fingers preparing him with finesse. The sensation of Negan’s fingers leaving his body had him breathing unevenly, panting even. A force pushed at his body to get him back onto his back with Negan hovering over him. Grabbing the condom again, Negan worked open the package and then took his time putting the condom on. Pouring a decent amount of lube into his hand, Negan worked it over his body and reached for Joel’s legs. Placing them in over his shoulders, Negan adjusted Joel the way he wanted him. Beneath him Joel seemed nervous and it had Negan pausing.

“This isn’t your first time,” Negan reminded Joel with a smirk reaching between them to line his body up with Joel’s. “You obviously liked it enough to want it a second time.”

“I wasn’t looking at you last time,” Joel countered, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat with his right hand lowering to loosely hook his fingers around Negan’s wrist.

“Well I’d rather look at your pretty face with those big brown eyes,” Negan pushed forward, sinking some of his length into Joel’s tight opening. Exhaling loudly, Joel lifted his head and Negan shook his head. Allowing Joel to keep his fingers wrapped around his wrist, Negan braced his other hand on the arm of the couch. Starting off slow, Negan’s lips parted with his eyes rolling back to a close. A muscle flexed in Negan’s jaw and Joel was more so focused on Negan’s face rather than how things felt. Once things started to get a bit faster and harder with the smacking of their skin, Joel found himself moaning involuntarily with his head dropping back. “Is this everything you wanted when we were younger?”

“Negan,” Joel frowned hating that they were going back to their earlier conversation.

“Stop pretending you didn’t want this,” Negan demanded, his hips smacking harder up against Joel drawing gasps from his throat. “Is this what you pictured?”

“You’re hotter now,” Joel winced, his fingers squeezing around Negan’s wrist.

“You’re hotter now,” Negan repeated with a wrinkle of his nose, amused with the response he got out of Joel. “You prefer the alpha male as opposed to the twink?”

“Yes,” Joel swallowed down hard, his eyes rolling back to a close with the sensations Negan was drawing out of him. Dropping his other hand, Joel curled his fingers around his cock and caressed in tempo with Negan’s thrusts. “I just liked your personality. I liked how you didn’t take…”

Joel moaned out loudly, his hand pumping faster over his length with Negan plunging into him time and time again, “anyone’s shit.”

“The fact I had a big cock didn’t hurt either,” Negan mused with a grunt, pressing faint kisses at Joel’s leg.

“I wouldn’t have cared what your cock looked like,” Joel growled having Negan drop Joel’s legs down so he could crawl in closer to Joel. Bracing Joel’s thighs over his hips Negan made sure he could bring their lips together in a heated kiss. Brushing his tongue out against Joel’s had Joel groaning into his mouth. “Harder.”

“No,” Negan shook his head knowing that he was already moving as hard and fast as he thought Joel could take being new to this whole thing. “I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“You’re infuriating,” Joel curled his fingers around the back of Negan’s neck to bring their mouths together again in a powerful movement with both of them fighting for some kind of dominance in the kiss. Pushing his hand aside, Negan curled his fingers around Joel’s length now pumping his hand over Joel’s distended flesh. “Fuck…”

“There we go…” Negan panted, with Joel dropping his head back against the pillow. Hovering his lips in over Joel’s, Negan felt the first splash of Joel’s cum at his lower abdomen followed by the next few ropes of it covering both his and Joel’s chests. Caressing him until the very end of his orgasm, Negan then focused on his own release working to build himself up until he finally did come with a roar. Allowing his hips to come to falter, Negan pressed a lingering kiss over Joel’s lips and then carefully pulled away. Working the condom from his body, Negan disappeared into the kitchen to throw it away. Returning he saw that Joel’s abdomen was sinking and rising repeatedly from breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath. “Why didn’t you just tell me you liked me?”

Tapping at Joel’s legs, Negan dropped down at the other side of the couch and stroked his fingers over the length of them. Waiting for an answer, Negan made a dramatic expression with Joel rolling his eyes, “You were head over heels in love with Y/N and vice versa. You two were my best friends. And I knew that she had a crush on me. I don’t know. It was embarrassing. “

“Why be a dick?” Negan was still looking for answers from their past. Joel brushed his fingers through his wet, messy hair to slick it back. “You know what Y/N meant to me.”

“I was the most popular kid in school. I had an image to uphold and you embarrassed me. They expected me to do something to get back at you,” Joel reasoned with Negan, throwing his hands up in the air. “I didn’t expect to fall in love with Y/N, but I did. Very much so.”

“I know,” Negan sighed loudly, curling his fingers around Joel’s foot to give it a tight squeeze.

“I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me for what I’ve done,” Joel confessed with a saddened expression. Sweeping his fingers over the inside of Negan’s thigh had Negan’s head tipping to the side. “I had so many chances and I blew them Negan.”

“You have two things going for you that will never keep her away from you,” Negan pointed out, curling his other arm around the back of his neck to get more comfortable. Joel waited for the answer and Negan clearly thought it was obvious. “Liz and Peter.”

“She loves you though,” Joel claimed with a shake of his head.

“And I love her,” Negan stated firmly with his dimples becoming more prominent. “Nothing is gonna change that for me. That doesn’t negate her feelings for you though. She always told me that she still loved you and I always told her that I was okay with that.”

“I am such a fuckup though,” Joel realized feeling guilty that everything played out the way it did.

“You weren’t always,” Negan noted remembering what the two of them were like when they were younger. “Everyone in this town wanted to fucking have a relationship like the two of you. Losing your parents hurt your mental health and you’re doing your best. Now you’re aware of your actions and it’s up to you to work those feelings out. Test the waters and make things right.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Joel admitted, sliding further down on the couch so that way they were closer to one another.

“Nothing is easy in this life Joel,” Negan vowed, his free hand placing in over the center of his chest that was still damp with sweat. “You just have to do your best and that’s all you can do.” 

----

Tags: @chainsawsangel @fancypeacepersona @violent-darkness @negansbestie @elegantfanficluv

@sanctuaryforthelost @dead-of-niight @dilfsandmartinis @jennydehavilland

[hazelfoureyes]

i have a bit of a fun ask :) can u put ur spotify on shuffle and write a fic with vox based on the first song that plays? plz plz HAZEL PLZ

Please please please know I am still getting my sea legs with Vox! So don’t go into this expecting my usual… uhhh skill? Confidence? also testing the new tag list system

「Warnings/Promises: Val exists, Vox x Fem Reader, stalking, pastry decimation, casual sexism」

Stalker’s Tango

From the moment you stepped out of your home, he was eagerly watching.

The security doorbell camera on your porch let him see you wore black pants and a white blouse. Perfect. A white pocket square in his suit jacket pocket to complement. “Wonderful choice as always, babe.” He spoke softly to the screen; to you.

He followed every move, jumping with muscle memory speed from traffic camera to home security camera to shopwindow full of screens.

When you stopped to go into a bakery, he was there in the cctv cameras, fisheye view of your order of cold brew coffee and a croissant. “Impeccable taste.” A confident laugh between you two as he shot off a text to craft services, two words, ‘Croissants. Now.’

“Could you possibly warm that?” You asked the young man behind the counter.

Another text. ‘Heated.’

He watched you at the bus stop. A man sat beside you and smiled at you. You offered a kind smile back. “Who the fuck is that?” He zoomed in, taking a screenshot to send to Velvette, ‘Find socials for this pissant.’

When you stepped onto the bus he sighed, relief the man was no longer bothering you but also with a heart heavy. You didn’t belong on the bus. Why couldn’t he just buy you a car? No, better, He should send a driver to pick you up daily. A personal chauffeur. You shouldn’t have to bother yourself with driving.

No, he was thinking too small. You should live in the tower. Angel Dust used to, why couldn’t you? A moment of fantasy.

Perhaps he’d walk in to find you in your pajamas. What ever could they be? He searched your online shopping history and couldn’t find a single purchase for sleep wear. Your lack of home television and a computer limited him to only watching you from your stoop and beyond. He buckled, what if you didn’t wear anything to bed? Why didn’t you let him see you at night? What did he need to do for you to trust him in your home.

A knock at the door he didn’t acknowledge. His sole focus was you. A book? You minx. Always playing hard to get. He knew you got the e-reader he sent. He watched you take the package from the doorbell camera, after all.

“Sir,” a small and slightly pathetic voice spoken through the door, “I’m getting word from downstairs they’re not sure how to keep croissants warm in the studio.”

Another zoom, what were you reading? He’d have the author on Vox programming, sure to take photos like old chums for you to see on your bus stop bench ads.

Vox rose slowly from his chair, eyes on you as he backed away from his desk.

A change in routine. You cut through Jekyll Park. No cameras.

Vox hurried to the door, huffing as he flung it open, “Have you never heard of a warming lamp?”

“They don’t have any… normally they only offer cold items.”

“Fine then have,” he pointed at a random employee walking by, “that fucker stand there with a toaster oven”

The eel demon shrunk, “Well he works for us not for-.”

The screen that comprised his head filled with static, eyes a swirling rage of red and black, “He works for the Vees. He goes where we tell him.”

He slammed the door, taking a moment to recompose himself before turning to face you. He didn’t want you to see him like that.

Spinning back, charming smile cocked on his face, “Alright where are you?” He strolled up to the displays and returned to his seat, scanning around until he found you again. But he wasn’t finding you. He couldn’t do anything about the park’s lack of cameras, it was pentagram city property, or else he’d have staff in there within the hour. Normally not an issue though, you never cut through that way.

Sixty seconds. Where were you?

Ninety seconds. Where were you.

One hundred and eighty seconds. Where were you!

Vox’s chair fell over as he stood with a panic, hitting the speed dial for Security. As the phone was answered and he began to instruct them to the west entrance of the park, you emerged from the tree lined path and tossed your empty coffee cup and food bag into the recycling bins. You’d just slowed your walk to enjoy your breakfast with a pretty view.

“Nevermind, false alarm fellas.” A nervous chuckle as he pulled at his collar. “Sir we’re not all me-.”

He hung up and leaned on the control panel. He should have sent a text. In fact maybe he still should.

Good Morning sinners! Reminder—- you’re only safe when you’re under the watchful eye of VoxTek Security Cameras.

A mass push text to every VoxTek phone in pentagram city. He watched you look at your phone and then up to the camera pointed directly at you from a light pole. A satisfied hum, “Good girl.”

As his view switched to the VeeTower camera system he danced into the elevator.

Vox’s foot impatiently tapped, staring directly into the eyes of the VoxTek employee holding the toaster oven in his hands. The fishy looking demon was squirming as the heat bled into the metal casing and burned his palms.

“Oh! I didn’t know I paid you to arrive late!” Val’s voice carried across the set.

You gripped the handles of your tote bag, “Val I’m sorry! The bus got a flat tire and I had to walk.”

A hiss as Val leaned down to get eye level with you, “Sluts lie as easily as they open their legs.”

“No, Val.” Vox interjected, tone stronger than he had intended, “She’s telling the truth. It was on the local traffic report. Cut her some slack.”

“I don’t watch that shit.” A sigh, exhaling pink aphrodisiac laced smoke into the air between you three, “Fine. If amorcito says so.” Val smiled to Vox before sending a sneer back to you, “Now fuck off to the dressing room.”

He walked away to shout at someone else, so you took the opportunity to say, “Thank you.” You offered a little head bow, grateful for back-up in your lie. Vox had already been trying to sneak off the set when you started speaking to him, causing him to sheepishly spin around on his heels. “I don’t think we’ve met before, but I see you all over the place. You’re Vox, right?” You extended a hand.

His screen flickered, blue background now with a gradient pink starting from the bottom, a blush rising up his face, “I see my reputation precedes me.” A false bravado as he gestured to himself. He moved the croissant to his right hand so he could shake yours.

“Well… your name and face is on everything. So, yes! I guess so.” You shook his hand, “Oh, I had a croissant too.”

He beamed, “Ya know what they say, great minds and all that. I was just having a little breakfast after reading. I hear they have some on set today in craft services.” You perked up, looking to the food table and the man holding the toaster oven.

“My lucky day! If only they had iced coffee. It would be perfect.” With a polite smile you took a step away, “I gotta go or Val will kill me. Nice to meet you!”

Vox stood still until you were out of sight. His hand crushed the pastry before he launched it across the room, mumbling about coffee before looking back longingly in the direction you’d left in, “See ya later babe.”

༻Masterlist༺

∰ Summoning the Horny Little Deer Cult (general tag list):

@cxrsedwxrlds , @nonetheartist , @tsunaki , @janchei ,  @moonmark98 , @hoebihoeshi , @pansexual-opera-house , @polytheatrix , @lorddiabigmommymilkers , @backinthefkingbuildingagain , @harley2223-blog  , @poinappel , @midnightnoiserose , @spookieroz , @missmidorima a , @ivebeenthearchersstuff , @downbadforfictionalppl , @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx , @sleepylittledemon , @aether-th3-enby , @dontfuckbutimfab , @breathlessaura , @aperfectidiot , @certainlygay , @jth12 , @star-kujo-platinum @ivebeenthearchersstuff , @rubyninja1 , @simphornies

, @readergirlstuff , @berry-demon , @chirimeimei , @fairyv-ice , @olive-frog , @thonethatflies620 , @tiredkiwiii , @ilikemyteawithmilk , @whateverlololo , @psipies , @howabouticallyou , @roxxie-wolf ,  , @fizzled-phoenix ,  @phobophobular  , @mariaclarade-la-cruz1 , @whateverlololo    , @roxxie-wolf , @a-case-of-attachment , @multifandomfanatic02 @watereddownmilk   , @bontensbabygirl 

[delta-orionis]

tell me abt your fucked up laptop

Oh god where do I even begin.

It looks normal at first glance, but this thing has been through hell.

I've easily had this laptop for over a decade at this point. I can't remember when I got it- 2014 or 2015 I think. When I first got it it was pretty beefy for the time but it's definitely showing its age now. It's pretty heavy and sturdy- I've definitely dropped it once or twice.

This thing got me through all of college. It worked well for a while, but in 2018 the hard drive died. To this day I'm convinced that a Windows update is what bricked it. Thankfully I was able to get the hard drive replaced on very short notice because I was literally leaving for an internship the next week. It behaved for the duration of the internship.

At some point the screen started to malfunction- it behaved for the picture I took, but it likes to randomly flicker and even cut out entirely. It eventually got so bad that I stopped taking it places with me, and I just hooked it up to an external monitor and keyboard on my desk.

I eventually had to replace both the power cable and battery because it was neither charging nor holding charge. That worked well for a while, but eventually that battery died as well. It currently has no battery, and is directly hooked up to wall power. If I unplug it, it instantly dies.

At some point during all this, Windows forced an update to Windows 10, which absolutely throttled this poor thing's performance. I think it might have actually shipped with Windows 7 but it's been ten years and I honestly cannot even remember. Either way, it was already chugging on Windows 8, and 10 wasn't much better. I think updating this laptop to Windows 11 will actually kill it.

At this point it permanently lives on my desk as a glorified desktop computer. I don't even keep the lid open anymore. The few times I've tried to lift or move it while it's turned on, it will decide to randomly freeze or shut down, so I try not to touch it.

I'm absolutely terrified that the hard drive will randomly die again, so I also have this laptop permanently hooked up to an external hard drive that backs up the entire computer on a regular basis.

Oh, and among all of these other issues, a few weeks ago it randomly started making some very loud and concerning noises upon startup. They eventually die down though so I'm ignoring it.

TL;DR, my laptop is actively dying and is basically hooked up to permanent life support. I refuse to let it die, at least until I can afford a new computer.

I have a second low-spec laptop that was given to me a while ago for free because it basically didn't work- it was trying to run Windows 10 and literally took more than 45 minutes to boot up. That's not an exaggeration. When it did boot up, it ran so slowly that it was basically unusable. I couldn't even use it to check my email. So basically I was allowed to keep it if I could even get it to work in the first place, it was going to be thrown out otherwise.

I was able to revive it by wiping it and installing Linux (Lubuntu, a lightweight version of Ubuntu, to be specific) on it, and now it works perfectly fine. When I actually need a portable laptop for something I just use my Linux laptop instead.

When I finally get a proper PC I fully intend to wipe my Windows laptop and install Linux on it the exact same way, just to squeeze a few more years out of it if possible. I will not allow this thing to die on my watch.

(P.S. Before anyone asks, I use Stylus for my custom tumblr dashboard theme. I use the Old Tumblr Dashboard and Custom Background themes.)

[kde-plasma-official]

also share your names with me I'm curious :3

down below is a heartfelt sob story about my favorite hard drive and also reason why I did the poll

For the longest time I only had one external drive containing everything. It was an old 256GB drive that I just named "BACKUP".

When I got my SSD I took out the old hard drive and used that as my main backup source. Because it had more storage I named it "BACKUP EXTENDED".

That drive got corrupted when I was in rehab because some guy named Kevin borrowed it for movies and used in a micro usb phone cable instead of the real one that was right on top of the drive.

So BACKUP EXTENDED was no more. A few months later I tried some usb partitioning tools (GParted my beloved) because I had some computer issues and thought I try to revive that old drive again and it fucking worked. From that day on my backup drive was known as "THE UNDEAD" (I've also been a huge Hollywood Undead fan at that time).

That name stuck with me, even after I accidentally formatted the whole drive when installing Arch, It persisted through each repartitioning session.

When I fucked up my partitioning table so hard it took several tries of fiddling to get the drive to work again, I renamed my trusty old drive to UNDEAD REVIVED because, well, I had to revive it again. Is it really undead at this point? Or is a revived thing alive again. What is a revived zombie, really? Maybe that's something for another poll...

A few weeks ago I got a few terabytes of storage for cheap and the biggest drive I got right now is 3TB. It's my new backup drive and I called it "UNDEAD EXTENDED",

But I've reached a point where having only one partition for everything isn't enough anymore. I have a macbook for work which can't write to NTFS partitions, so I had to create an exFAT for shared storage. That doesn't allow me to symlink things though, and I still need to have a Windows backup that I can just attach to any PC and boot from it, so I also need an NTFS drive. But Windows does things to the NTFS drive so that sometimes I have to sudo mount the partition which is really annoying and kinda sucks. I only use Linux on my main machine and just want to keep some of its files somewhere without other systems interacting with it at all so now I also have a ext4 partition for system backup and some games.

So, my trusty UNDEAD* hard drive that I lovingly kept and revived and extended and revived again, which stores everything that I own and love and need is now cut up into pieces and none of the partitions feel like the drive that it once was that makes me sad.

I grew very attached to that hard drive and to that name but even when the physical drive is still next to me it feels like I've outgrown it. I've had my Undead drive when I was at my lowest and it was a part of my digital life up until now. I've had iterations of it for almost half of my life. If that thing could talk, it would scream.

So, how did I name my partitions instead now?

I've named my exFAT partition "CYBERSLUT" the way it plugs into any computer and gets manhandled by it, it made me smile when I made the tough decision to retire the undead naming scheme.

My NTFS drive is called "WHYDOS" because I always ask myself why I still keep up with Windows sometimes, and I just recreated my ext4 partition that I named "PLAYGROUND", because it's only used for Wine bottles and some steam games so far, so they don't take up most of my limited SSD space.

[morgana-ren]

Alrighty, everyone mute me here cause I'm about to go on a tirade.

Look, I've been playing video games since I was young. Very young. Probably too young, if we're being completely honest. We had an old Nintendo 64 from my step-dad's youth that I used to play religiously. I played my ps2 for hours and hours a day as a way to cope with a.. shall we say unstable household. I had Gameboy Advanced, Gameboy color, all the way up to Nintendo DS to the switch. This is something I've been doing since I was barely old enough to speak. I used to get games at Blockbuster, okay? I played the OG Baldur's Gate and Neverwinter Nights on a clunky old computer. Even when we were flat-busted ass broke with absolutely no money to spare, I would play at friend's houses. I would play old AV consoles on those fat ass TVs. It's my oldest hobby besides reading, is the point here.

My point is I'm old enough to remember when gaming was a niche hobby that you could actually get bullied for. It was back when studios made games mostly out of passion, and not to sell to a broader audience. There wasn't really even such a thing as microtransactions. You bought a full and complete game. Blizzard released good products, actually (unbelievable, I know.) Games knew their audience, and there wasn't necessarily an assload of money in it, so it was mostly made out of love for the games and their community.

Gaming has grown in popularity over the last 10-20 years, and that can be an excellent thing! Really! It can be! But Baldur's Gate 3 winning game of the year brought something to my attention that has been driving me mad for a few days now. It's a concept I've found myself repeating for a long time, but barely just sort of sat down to analyze it:

Not everything is for you.

The last few winners of GOTY have had some... sour people be very upset. Not that this is uncommon, but especially the last few years. People saying Elden Ring is 'too hard,' people saying that Baldur's Gate 3 is nothing but pedantic dice rolls, etc. People who, in general, were very unhappy that these games did not appeal to them in particular, and they were very vocal about how these games should be changed to appeal to them personally.

What I'm saying is that these people, along with most others, were not there during the days of niche gaming, where when you didn't like a game, you didn't necessarily throw a tantrum and stamp your feet and demand that these games aren't good and that they need to change, but rather, you just... didn't play them. They weren't made for you.

We live in an age where absolutely everything is being scraped for every last dollar. Games that used to be made out of passion for their communities are now being made to sell, sell, sell as many copies as physically possible to everyone. If it won't pander to every last person, it's not going to be made. Things are being 'streamlined' to make the games appeal to anyone and everyone who might play them.

'Streamlined' in this case, means 'dumbed down.' As Bethesda famously says, KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid.

Games that used to be a little bit more 'niche' and 'complex' like Morrowind, are now games like Skyrim, that are dumbed down to sell to everyone. They remove a lot of the aspects that made them beloved in the name of 'garnering a new and broader audience.' Older folks, adults, children, everyone. But this attitude of inclusivity isn't as great as it might seem initially. It isn't done out of community. It is done to get absolutely every last person possible to empty their wallet at the altar. To get every last fucking dollar out of everyone.

Games are passionless money pits. They sell you a half-baked, simple product that insults your intelligence. It's impossible to fail quests, because God forbid one person doesn't like that and asks for their money back. They won't touch on complex topics, because they don't want to cause a controversy that might drain their prospective bank account. They can't make things so intricate that God forbid a toddler might not understand them. They are milquettoast, miserable little games that appeal not even to people who enjoy games, but rather, people who don't.

Yes, they are making games to try and get money from people who don't even like them. They can't make anything nuanced or put a learning curve or put any actual work or fun into the game, because people who don't actually like playing games might realize "Hey, actually, I'm not enjoying this at all." and not give anymore money.

I'll get to the point.

Games being disliked by certain people is a good thing. It means those companies were unwavering on their vision and their loyalty to their fans. It means it was a game made from passion, and not just to be marketed and sold to literally every living person. They were made with their communities in mind, and no offense, but if you aren't one of the people that likes the things those communities stand for, maybe you should seek it elsewhere rather than trying to change something someone loves to suit you instead. You are not the demographic here.

You hear people that hate turnbased saying that Baldur's Gate 3 should not have been turnbased. Guess what? That's literally DnD. It's a DnD game. Don't like the lack of day cycles? Again, that's long resting in DnD. Pedantic dice rolls? That's fucking DnD, baby. Maybe you don't like it, but just because the game got popular does not mean it was made for you. Too much gay? Go away. Baldur's Gate was not made to sell copies to everyone. In fact, it was a relatively niche prospect that gained massive popularity near the end because of a scandal. I've been with them since Patch 2 of Early Access, and it very much was a passion project by people who loved DnD and TT games. They did not think it was going to hit this level of popularity, and they stuck to their guns even when it did. I cannot tell you how rare and remarkable that is.

Dark Souls is too hard? Maybe it's not the game for you. If you don't like certain design aspects, that's fine and okay! But Miyazaki and Fromsoft should not be forced to change their vision of their passion project because you personally do not like it. It was around before you, and they have a loyal community that does love the game just how it is. If you want a game with a difficulty slider, maybe you should play a game that has one. I'm sorry if you don't like the fundamentals of the game, but they exist for a reason, the community likes it, and no, it's not just for elitist reasons like I see all too often. You just do not understand because you don't like the game and do not like being told no for once by a company that has integrity.

I'm not trying to insult you. I'm being honest when I say that it's an attitude that is expected in the current climate where everything is changed when people complain the loudest because changing it means more money, and more money is the goal. These people are not your friends. Do not forget that. They are not changing it because they care about you. They are changing it because they think they can con you out of another dime.

People have a masochistic relationship with these companies. They have gotten used to being pandered to. They have gotten used to being sold a shitty game that everyone from their grandmother to their toddler niece and nephew can beat. And no, there's nothing wrong with games for everyone. But it's not because they wanted to make a game for everyone. It was because they wanted everyone's money.

People make hour long youtube videos about how Baldur's Gate would have been better if it was real time, and if it was more like this game and that game (namely games that pander to everyone) and then, in the same week, release a video bewailing that all games are so bad now and they don't understand why. They grasp that greed has a part in it, but they don't understand that they are directly contributing to the problem.

Games are bad because when everything is for everyone, nothing is truly for you. You won't have a chance to be passionate about anything, because on the off chance you find something you love, you will inevitably watch it die the same way that those of us who have been here forever did, because someone outside of the community doesn't like it, so it has to go because Christ forbid they don't sell two more copies.

And no, I am not talking about 'woke' or 'political correctness' so you alt-right weirdos can keep the fuck off of this post. I am talking about things like a lack of quest markers. Complex puzzles that you can fail. Political nuance. Things that take brainpower and are fun but not everyone likes.

Maybe not everything is for you. Maybe a game is allowed to exist even if you don't like it. Maybe communities are allowed to have their thing while you have yours. Maybe you have gotten so used to being pandered and catered to with every game being this blase, half-baked experience that is sorta liked by most, but... beloved by none. It's a forgettable, boring experience that garners no real loyalty, but at most a "Ha, that was alright." And then you put it on the shelf never to touch it again.

It means these companies aren't thinking of money; they are thinking of their communities. They are thinking of their fans and the people who love their games. Every time Miyazaki says 'no' to changing the formula that we love about his games, he is thinking of his loyalty to his community and his passion to the game. When Sven refuses to change aspects of the game to suit people who don't like DnD, he is staying loyal to the DnD community.

More companies should be doing this. Not less.

But consumers need to remember that one little creedo: Not everything is for me.

It can exist and I can exist. I do not have to play it and I do not have to enjoy it. It doesn't mean that it's bad. It means it's not for me. And that's fine.

[ahiddenpath]

Life Stuff

Quick life chat beneath the cut. Cw: navigating the holidays with uhh family stuff, mentions of reproductive rights (and cases where one might need them, such as miscarriage).

Whelp, Chrome blocked my ad blocker today. I finally got Firefox. I'm super curious about how many new Firefox (and other browser) accounts there will be, lmao!

The last two weeks at work were really difficult. Usually, it's slow this time of year, as lots of colleagues use their time off that they neglected to use over the year. We can't bank it; it is wiped out when the new calendar year hits. So some folk are gone for half of December or more. My site is responsible for the work of three sites, and I was the only person left, so I was slammed.

My site closes from the 25th through the 1st, so I will have some days off. I'm not sure what I'll get up to, if I'm honest. I've been struggling to focus on and enjoy things lately; I'll do some thinking on that after Christmas.

But speaking of, you might know that I dislike the holidays. Like... a lot. That's common for people with complicated family stuff. The issue is partially how much work it is. When I got married at 24, I told my mother I would no longer go to her house for Christmas morning, where I had to endure my father being an outrageous asshole. The trouble with being in your early 20s is that you are generally more easily manipulated and guilted than you are at a more advanced age. My mother pitched a fit, and in the end, my husband and I agreed to host Christmas Eve for my mother, my in laws, and my brother in law.

So, my husband and I host on Christmas Eve from about 1 PM-7 PM, wake up on Christmas, drive to my husband's family, then drive to my family. We're in the car for about 5 hours on Christmas, more if the traffic is bad. At both Christmas day parties, we are given a hard time for arriving late and for leaving. And this year, my mother decided that she can't drive in the dark, so she has to spend the night on Christmas Eve.

I messaged my husband via computer while I was on the phone to ask what to do (it's his house, too, and he doesn't get on with my mother any better than I do). He messaged back that it's easier to host her this year, and not host the Christmas Eve party going forward. We've taken on too much as it is.

Another... Interesting? Thing is that my husband has pitched trying for a baby around late Q2/early Q3 next year. On the most practical level, I want to lose 35 pounds before conceiving, which is the upper end of the average pregnancy weight gain. If I gain 35 pounds as I am now, I'd be in the obesity BMI category, which could cause/aggravate pregnancy complications (gestational diabetes, etc).

HOWEVER, I am in no way decided about this, lmao! My husband is more on team baby than I am, but we agree that this is a "two yes" situation. Frankly, with the upcoming administration, this is the WORST time to be planning for a birth. What if they take away reproductive rights at the federal level? Google suggests that roughly 20% of first known pregnancies in women my age end in miscarriage. I'm not getting pregnant if I can't have the potential remains of a miscarriage safely removed. My coworker almost lost his sister in law to that a month ago (she lives in a state where abortion is outlawed and almost died of sepsis after losing a wanted pregnancy while the doctors dithered over the legality of saving her). If the Trump administration cuts social security, as they have apparently been murmuring about, then my husband's parents will be less likely to retire, and therefore less available to help with baby. And I don't think I need to point out how fucked I (and millions of other Americans) would be if the Trump administration guts public education. It seems like an absolutely bonkers time to reproduce.

I decided that I need the big guns for this, so after the holidays, I will schedule a few appointments with my therapist to discuss the baby decision. I feel like everyone in my life is so... So gung-ho about their choice? Like, everyone in my family wants a baby in the family. My husband wants a baby. My friends who don't want babies have lists a mile long as to why it's a Bad Idea. It's kind of a hard thing to be on the fence about. You have a kid, and you metamorphosize into a parent. You know, cocoon, liquefy, come out as something irrevocably different.

Anyway, I am out of steam. Happy holidays, please take care. Best of luck with your family, if needed. Love you!

[urfavoritedcwhore]

the Russian boy//part one

a fanfic about the goldfinch

summary: a new girl named lucy gardener has just moved to las vegas, nevada. she meets two boys her first day and takes an interest on the black-haired Russian boy named boris.

this is a series i’m going to be working on, and yes, there will eventually be some juicy smut.

warnings: swearing, marijuana usage, and some brief mention of alcohol usage.

not proof read!!

part one: the first day

"FUCK" , i yell when i awake to see my alarm clock isn't plugged in. i must have forgotten to plug it in last night when i was setting up my room. im gonna be late for my first day of school. great. i rush to the millions of moving boxes in my room trying to remember which ones have my clothes in them, finally i mange to find a box with a folded up Tshirt and decide to wear that and the leggings i slept in. i throw on the Tshirt and run into the bathroom to brush my teeth and hair. "first day of my new school and im going to show up a total mess. amazing.", i think to myself while i spit out the tooth paste in my mouth and see the knots all over my head. i grab my brush and hurry back into my room to put my shoes on and get my book bag together. "MOM!!", i yell while brushing my hair and putting my folders in my bag. no response. great she's probably passed out downstairs drunk, or hasn't come home from last night yet. i don't blame her though, if i had found out my husband was cheating on me and lost all my money in the divorce i would be drinking away my feelings too. i just hate that it caused us to move here. the fucking middle of nowhere in las Vegas. why couldn't we have moved to someplace cool like New York? or just someplace where the sun isn't beating down on me like it wants to fry me and eat me for lunch. whatever, no point in being mad right now, i need to grab my keys and get to school. i go downstairs to see my mom passed out on the couch with a bottle of tito's and lifetime blaring on the tv. no time to worry about that now. i find my keys laying on the kitchen counter and rush out the door. i hop in my truck (well, my mom and me's truck) and head on my way to school. joining a new school three months into the school year as a junior, who knows nobody in this awful town shouldn't be hard, right? i look up on google maps where it is and learn it's only 20 minutes away from my house, not too far of a drive. gosh, its already 11:30am, i'm so fucked. i pull into the school parking lot and quickly run into the double doors at the front of the building. i spot the front office on my right and make my way in there, the small lady behind the desk looks up from her computer at me. "name?", she says like she's dealt with more late passes then she wanted to this morning. "Lucy Gardener, I'm a new student here and-", she cuts me off, "yes, miss gardener, you're a junior correct? here's your schedule and here's your late pass.". she pulls out a small green peice of paper from here desk drawer and writes, my name, the date, the time, and her signature on it before handing it to me. awesome, i'm gonna have to show up in the middle of class and stop the lesson to give this to my teacher. she reaches into the printer and gives me a list with my name on the top and a bunch of classes with times next to them. "right now you should be in....3rd period, english.", the lady said pausing to squint at her computer, "room 224. down the main hall and to your left.". "thanks.", i say stuffing my schedule in my bag and walking out of the office. i follow her directions and head down the main hall and to the left, until i see room 224. fuck, ok ok, just go in there, give the slip to your teacher, and pray he doesn't make me introduce myself to the class. i open the class door and immediately all heads turn to me. i can feel my cheeks burning red as i walk to the man in his mid 40s standing in front of the whiteboard. "sorry." i say handing him the slip and turning away to find a seat towards the back of the class room, just as i thought you may get away with say nothing else, he calls you back up front. "Lucy? you're our new student right? come up here and tell us a little about yourself please.", he says with a huge smile on his face. you've gotta be fucking kidding. i turn back to him and walk back up front. "hi i'm lucy, um i just moved here from New Orleans.", i hear slight laughter coming from two boys in the back of the classroom.

"can i go sit now?", i say turning towards the teacher. "well it's great to have you here lucy, i look forward to getting to know you, i think there may be a seat next to theo. theo, raise your hand so lucy knows where to go.". i see a tall boy with shaggy blonde hair raise his hand and realize it was one of the boys who were giggling. i walk towards the desk that the teacher was referring to, and see that it’s actually right in between the two boys that were giggling. how wonderful, this should be soooo fun. i sit down and immediately hear the blonde boy with glasses on my right giggling. damn, do i really look that bad today. the one with black hair is just staring so intensely at me, i feel his eyes burning holes in my head. i guess i came just at the right time though, cause about two minutes after i sit down i hear the bell ring. "anddd that's lunch.", i hear the teacher say as i stand up and grab my bag. i let out a sigh of relief, at least i can just go sit in the bathroom and look at my phone for the lunch period. i'm walking to the door when someone behind me calls out, "lucy!". i turn around to see the blonde boy with his mouth slightly open and the boy with black hair standing behind him smirking. "i-it's lucy right?" he says stuttering over his words. "yea. you're theo, right?", i say hoping that i heard the teacher correctly and didn't just call him the wrong name. "ding ding ding! and this," he pulls the boy with black hair in front of him like he's showing me a puppy or something, "is boris. he, well we, were wondering if maybe you wanted to hang with us during lunch? you know, since you're new.", theo says in a almost shy manner. do i want to have lunch with them? is it a trick? weren't they literally just laughing at me? if they didn't look so raggedy i would've guessed that they were two popular boys messing with me. the dark haired one, sorry, "boris", speaks up. "we have weed." , he said in a whispering tone.

i'm not sure because his voice was so low, but i think he may be Australian? that doesn't matter, they had weed, i need something to calm my first day anxieties. "i'm down, should've led with the weed." i say looking at both of them as theo looked at boris with a smile. boris walked in front of me, "follow me.". boris and theo led me out the school doors, into the parking lot, and to a beat down 1985 volvo. this looks sketchy i'm not gonna lie. the car is rusted, missing a headlight, and theo has to crawl through the driver side door to get to the passenger seat. let's just hope and pray they don't kill me and dump my body in the nevada desert somewhere. boris opens the back seat door for me and i crawl in, as soon as i'm in the car i know they're not lying about the weed. the smell is so strong that i imagine they smoke in this car everyday and don't know what air freshener is. boris gets in the drivers seat, shuts the door, and immediately opens the glove box. "shit bor, did you not roll another one this morning? it's gonna take me at least 20 minutes to get this shit done.", theo said holding a small baggie of weed, and a pack of joint papers. these kids don't even know how to roll a joint. i snicker, "let me see it.", i say holding out my hand. theo and boris looked at eachother suspiciously. "oh come on, let me see it i can get her done in 5-10 minutes tops.", i start making a "gimme" motion with my hand. theo hands the bag and papers over to me. it doesn't even take me ten minutes and im done. "here", i say, passing the joint to boris. they inspect it carefully until boris looks back at me and smiles, "nice job new girl.". i do a small bow, "thank you thank you very much, now light that shit.", i say looking at the lighter in theo's hand. theo hands the lighter over to boris, who starts to touch the flame to the tip of the joint and takes a long hit. he lets the smoke out, coughing as he does so. boris takes another hit then looks at me. he gives the joint to me with a grin, "new girl gets next hit, eh?", he says glancing over to theo. "that's fine with me man.", says theo, who's too focused on trying to get the radio to work.

boris hands the joint over to me. please please please don't let me get too high and embarrass myself God. i mean look, im an avid smoker, but after taking a break from weed for like 6 days because of all the moving shit i had to do, i’m definitely gonna get really fried. i take a long drag of the joint and hold the smoke it for about 7 seconds before exhaling with a sigh. "fuck that's nice.", i say passing the joint to theo and leaning back into the seat. "so new girl, where do you live?", boris says with a thick accent. "i don't really know the name of the street, i just got here last night. it's like desert something.", i say trying to remember what the street is called . boris raises his eyebrows as he grabs the joint theo's passing to him, "desert end drive?", he says before taking a long hit of the joint. "yea actually, that's where i am.". the two boys exchange looks. "no way, that's where we live." , says theo almost giddy with excitement. ok this is good. at least i have two people that smoke in my neighborhood. "do you live more towards the front of the neighborhood or the back?", theo says. boris passes me the joint and i take two quicks hits while they stare at me with anticipation. "way in the back, it takes like 3 minutes of me driving just to get out of the neighborhood.", i say shifting my eyes between the two of them. theo looks at boris as i hand him the joint. "i bet you're right by bor then.", he says smiling a child like smile. "oh shit that's nice.", i say trying to not look excited. i mean boris is cute. i don't really know him at all. and that accent, maybe it's just the weed talking, but that accent is so fucking sexy. "what's your accent?", i blurt out, not so shy anymore from the high i'm feeling. boris smirks at me, "i mean i've lived in a lot of places so i have little accent from everywhere, but the one you probably hear the most, is russian or ukraine maybe?", he says, "my english isn't perfect, potter says i miss words sometimes, but i do pretty well, eh?", he says taking the joint from theo. i let out a laugh, "dude you're so right, he does kinda look like harry potter!", which makes both me and boris burst out into laughter.

"hardy har har, soooo funny.", says theo trying his best to hold back a smile. we sit, passing around the joint and just talking and getting to know each other for about the next 15 minutes until all that's left of it is the filter. "i don't wanna go back in.", i say as the laughter dies down in the car from a stupid thing theo said. "well you're in luck, me and bor usually skip forth period anyways.", theo says turning his head to look at me and smile. "yes! come with new girl, will be fun. i have vodka at house.",  boris says with excited eyes. "your parents won't mind?", i say, "nah, only live with my dad and he'll be gone for next few days.", says boris as he puts the bag of weed and papers back in his glove box. "alright, im down. but fuck, i'm way too stoned to drive right now, i haven't smoked for like a week cause of the move.", i say, remembering just how high i am. "give me your keys, im not too fucked.", says boris holding out his hand, "potter can drive my car, he does all the time.". i look at boris for a second, before pulling out my keys and placing them in his hand. trust me if i thought this boy was too faded to drive, i would not let him in my truck. but since i'm pretty sure he does this everyday multiple times a day i'm fine with it. especially since, i myself drive while im stoned all the time. well when im not in the middle of an involuntary week long T break i mean. boris hops out of the car and opens my door, extending his hand to me, as theo crawls into the drivers seat. i take boris's hand and hop out of the car. i say a quick thank you and let go of his hand before leading him to my truck. when we get to my car he follows me to the passenger side and opens the door for me. "such a gentleman." , i joke as i put a hand on my heart and hop in the car. "always a gentleman for a pretty lady.", he says back shooting me a quick wink then chuckling. ok he could so get it. i mean he called me pretty, he definitely wants it. no lucy...you two are joking around. he's being polite. don't think anything of it. boris walks to the other side of the car door and hops in the drivers seat, putting the keys in ignition. "let's go get wasted new girl.", he says to me with a smile as he puts the car in drive, and pulls out of the school parking lot. i have a feeling this is going to be fun..

part 2 will be out soon. let me know if yall fw this

[halentinverrera]

Today was pretty good. 1st period the work wasn’t hard but that ogre of a troll Sergio came. I don’t like Sergio he’s like idk. First of all his name isn’t even Sergio his birth name is Alexander Araujo. But there’s already an Alex so everyone called him Sergio. Imagine having a person with your same name but they are better and they deserve the name more so you have to get a new name. Whack. Also he’s one of those guys that has no personality. All he does is drink, smoke and drive his truck. All he does with his life I swear this to god. His dumbass gorilla friend too Jose Esquivel. Dudes beard looks like pubic hair and his nostrils blend into his nose his skin is dark and his neck is dark as fuck. Literally a gorilla. Im gonna start calling him silver back. Eric and Kevin are cool tho i like them. So in general i don’t like Sergio. 2nd period was just second period nothing fun just do your work. Brunch I hung out with the same guys I do every brunch. 3rd period we had a sub but I don’t like where I sit. If we have a sub it’s Manuel, Nuviah, Pedro, Delilah, serbando and Analee in the same table. That tables cool I’ve sat with them and Manuel’s one of those people that can just get anyone talking. Very social. Than there’s Joniel, JJ, Issac and Kaelob. They are funny but it’s not like real funny you know what I mean i don’t like the energy there. Than it’s Adrianna’s group i don’t like her one bit SHES terrible. Frankie Anthony R and Anthony M sit together but they just talk about smoking and gang stuff I don’t want to surround myself with people like that. Than it’s my group. Daniela, Hendrick and Karizma. They don’t really have friends in that class so they sit same seat they always do. We were supposed to do a TQE online but I didn’t do it didn’t feel like it. 4th period we did squats for sports weight I saw Benny semi squat 405 pounds. There’s people that are just stupid strong and Benny is one of those. You’ll see guys like him with the rack full of 45 plates stacked. Meanwhile I struggle with 25 pound plates just one of them. For lunch we went to Vegas room for the pizza. Since wrestling season ended coach promised us pizza but it kept getting cancelled so we just did it today during lunch. It was cool I ate 7 slices and drank 2 doctor peppers. For biology we had a sub and I sat with Carry, Jordan and Fernando. Jordan has autism or something. Henry has severe ADHD. Like he literally can’t help himself. He talks to back to adults not in a rude way but he’ll never stop trying to prove his point. Today in class he kept playing audios on his computer. But there’s so many instances of him just being like idk how to explain it. Sometimes I wonder if he takes medication for it i don’t think so. If he does it’s clearly not enough he needs a way higher dose. While I was making my way to 6th period I seen Daniela and Nayeli and Nayeli asked “Valentin why do you walk like that?” Idk why but she always criticizes the way I walk. I asked “walk like what?” And she walks really straight up with her chest out. I told her about how I have scoliosis and while we’re going to class they talk a long way and I ask “why are you guys going this way class is over there?” And she says because we like to go on adventures and Dani wants to see her man. So I walked with them for a bit and Nayeli showed me a picture of her and her boyfriend. It was a really nice picture actually like Facebook worthy. I got to class and class was good because I finished the handout from Friday all I had to do was color but I labeled everything so I grind Jurassic world and banana Kong on my phone all period. For history we just watched a WW2 video and did a fill in the blank worksheet. Schools over i go home and just chill in bed all day. And watch YouTube. Good start to this week.

[insertcleverusername101]

Borderline insane technical ramble ahead. Might be entertaining. Might be informative. Might just be nonsense. Beware.

I fucking love the Dell Optiplex line.

One of my oddities is that I collect computers like no one's business. I've got like 20 of the things.

Recently, one of my fleet, an HP consumer grade computer died. I'm not too broken up about this (or any computer's death, if I'm being honest), since I was able to pull the drives, there was nothing important on it, and it was an HP, which sucks ass.

I was able to replace it with a new guy: A Dell Optiplex 990.

Now, these little bastards are everywhere. They've looked almost identical for the better part of 15 years, too. They're so ubiquitous that no matter who you are or where you are, you're almost guaranteed to have seen an Optiplex line computer at some point.

Dell Optiplex computers are a standard machine in almost any workplace, from factories to hospitals & research facilities. They're aimed at commercial and industrial use, so most workplaces have them somewhere.

Many of them have also made it into the consumer market, since when companies need to upgrade their fleets, they will often auction off the old computers. Companies will reimage them, then sell them as cheap refurbs, at which point they'll keep chugging along. Some of the oldest of their most iconic design, the black box with the silver grey front bevel plate, are coming up on 20 years, and can still be found occasionally in service in distant corners.

Begs the question though: Why are there so many of them? There are a lot of commercial manufacturers of hardware. Almost all the computer brands that you're probably familiar with make commercial hardware.

The answer is simple. They're good computers. Things like hard drives and the RAM can be swapped and upgraded without tools, making them dead simple to service. They don't really have the same firmware problems other manufacturers do (cough HP cough), so you won't see performance falloffs or stability problems.

They're not really obnoxious pieces of hardware either. They're not loud, brightly colored, or large. The SFF and USFF computers are super densely packed, but still have solid hardware inside. They can just sit in a dark corner until they're needed, quietly humming away. Since their cases are so plain, they're not really a distraction, they're just kind of... there.

Really, they're what a computer should be. Easy to maintain for anyone, reliable, and nondescript.

[donnerpartyofone]

Due to my various disorders I often feel like I am living the same day over and over and over again. This effect is created by any combination of A) my inability to learn something, B) my inability to form new habits, C) my lack of awareness/memory of something I did, and D) my failure to execute on something I keep meaning to do--along with my basic inability to just fucking pick my battles and let some shit go--but lately the Groundhog Day experience has been dialed up to 11 and this exacerbation is definitely compounded by problems of enshitification.

Like a few times a week for the last several weeks, I remembered something--a fact, a piece of media, an excerpt from a book, something I personally wrote, etc--that I wanted to reference or revisit. In most instances Item X is something that I gave a lot of thought to, and perhaps something that I actively researched or workshopped; it's almost never just something that I passively absorbed then half-forgot. I may remember everything about it, and everything about the time when I was working on it, and I just need the citation...and now there is no evidence of it at all, anywhere. I look for traces of Item X everywhere I can think of: I'm sure I talked to Person Y about it, I'm sure I took a screencap and sent it to Person Z, I posted about it. My phone won't find it, it's not in my email; am I using the wrong search term? Or misspelling something? Or did I delete it by accident? Or is the actual search function I'm using just finicky? Or did I send the screencap without verbalizing what it was and just saying like "Dude check this out!"? Even though I know what's going to happen, I search for Item X on my Tumblr. What usually happens is that Tumblr gives me like 3-5 results it has deigned to index that are NOT the one I want; you'd think that this is a "numbers game" and that eventually the thing I want would be in the indexed set just by coincidence, but it NEVER IS. Like how am I so strangely lucky to have this perfect consistency? It seems impossible! Then I try using the syntax I learned to search my blog via Google, and this also never works. It doesn't work on Duck Duck Go either, although it's interesting to me that each search engines gives me different undesirable output. I search my computer and my external drives, but Windows 11 makes it very hard for my dumb ass to distinguish between searches of my local machinery and searches of OneDrive which is incomplete and which I prefer to never use because I hate the feeling that I'm renting my own files from somebody else and I just like to know where the fuck my shit is--I don't even like to use the coat rack in an office, I want all my shit where I can see it--so when my computer says "No Results" I have absolutely no confidence that I'm getting a full account of the facts.

........................................so now I'm back at square one, repeating the same agonizing detective work I slogged through the last time I referenced Item X, only now it's worse, because Tumblr is worse, and Google is worse, and possibly I have been subconsciously sabotaging myself between last time and this time to make all my own systems and tools worse. And I HATE that I'm wasting this amount of time and energy--two things I don't have a lot of!--but if I don't do it my broken mind is going to torture me more and more with each passing second of inaction, so I am FORCED to do this by reason of insanity.

The thing I'm trying to look up now, PLEASE TELL ME IF THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR, is what I THINK is an excerpt from a piece by Rainer Maria Rilke in which he says SOMETHING LIKE:

"Jesus is pointing to God, but like dogs, we look only at the finger."

I remember what a hard time I had finding this before. After a long drawn-out process of testing different search terms, I found it in a Google Books preview of a page from I THOUGHT BUT APPARENTLY AM WRONG?! Letters to a Young Poet. Now I'm trying that again and finding No Results for "jesus" or "finger". So maybe like, Letters was the last thing I looked up before I found the correct volume OR the correct author, and that's the last thing my brain recorded on this topic. Or maybe I'm looking at the wrong edition with incomplete previews on Google Books. I don't fucking know. But the reason I want so badly to cite this now is that it has relevance to the Aaron Bushnell conversation.

I'm feeling really bad about the fact that Aaron Bushnell's desire to underline the Palestinian genocide has had the almost exclusive result of underlining the actions of Aaron Bushnell. And before you get excited to talk to me about that, I must be very clear that this is exactly what I don't want to talk about. I understand the discourse. I have my own strong opinions about his suicide and what it means, and what are the right and wrong ways to talk about it. Whatever aspect of this you are itching to bring up, including the buried reports of previous self-immolations, I promise I am aware of them. I'm not saying that these conversations don't matter. I am just deeply concerned that energy that was once fully devoted to protest is now being shoaled into this ideological cul-de-sac about Aaron Bushnell specifically. This happens on the left all the fucking time and it's exhausting and disheartening. The right seems to stay congealed in a big blob of generalized solidarity, furthering its broad-strokes agendas persistently, while the left gets mired in theory and semantics and purity testing and academics and all this stuff that, while it is very stimulating, has no measurable effect on our rights, our safety, or our efficacy. Or rather, if it does have an effect, it's to drain our resources and destroy our focus and, at worst, "help the enemy".

So while it may be easier and more immediately satisfying to bicker with each other about Aaron Bushnell than it is to wrap one's mind around the enormity of genocide and the incredible imbalance of power that perpetuates it, I really don't think this particular bit of discourse is actually helping anyone. If you're one of the people who is trying to think of this in terms of "what Aaron Bushnell would have wanted", I think it's a good bet that he didn't want people to stop talking about Palestine and start talking about him alone. Don't look at the finger, look where it's pointing.

And for God's sake if you recognize the approximate quote I'm struggling to fully recall PLEASE DM ME.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Reorganisation

I’ve spent part of this week on a reorganisation binge, wanting to effectively tidy my various workspaces. This seems to be going relatively well thus far but is going to involve various bits of chugga-chugga-chugga for this particular phase. So here’s what I got and what I’m doing / have done with it.

New Spice Rack and Spice Jars: I had one spice rack - little wooden thing, left on someone’s retaining wall on the route between the clinic building I used to have my fibro management group at and the bus stop in the traditional “Free To A Good Home” style. (I have a couple of good bits of furniture from that sort of thing - the spice rack; a set of wire mesh drawers that serve as my computer parts storage, meds storage, and stand for my second monitor; a shoe rack that gives me something to prop my foot on when doing up the laces.) Anyway, point is that when I started getting a little more adventurous with the cookery that I could manage with the fibro, I also started getting more spices. The curry in particular really upped the amount of spice jar lying around. Thing is, my little wooden spice rack wasn’t up to the task, so I had a lot of little spice jars eating into my already minimal counter space. So I bought myself a pretty little wire mesh spice rack and some spice jars to make things a little more uniform, and spent a good hour or so yesterday tidying up everything, and here is the result, which is far superior to little jars of curry spice cluttering the counter:

New Power Strip: When I got my hand mixer and started doing smoothies, I got a new power strip for the kitchen. However, when I started working from home, I needed that power strip to plug in my work PC, because the number of power outlets in the study is insufficient for the level of tech that lives in it. Thing is, if the study doesn’t have a whole lot of power outlet, the kitchen has even less, so all I can really plug in is the dehydrator, the microwave, the kettle, the fridge, and the stove. So I made a plan, which will be enacted in full tomorrow morning when all the electronics are off. I bought a six-plug power strip, which will go in the study to give me more outlets near my PC, and then the one that used to be for my PC and peripherals will go to the kitchen so I can plug in my kettle, toaster, hand mixer, and Instant Pot without having to do too much rummaging around the back of the microwave. This should help matters.

External Hard Drive: I have an entire collection in my Steam library that is simply titled “Uninstalled”. It’s not that I don’t want them installed; it’s that I don’t play them often and I just don’t have the space. A lot of these are the Big Huge Games - you know, the ones whose file size approaches or exceeds 100GB. Thing is, I want to decide which I want to stay installed and which belongs in the Nope collection (which is the one for games I can’t actually play and / or ended up disliking) and which I would like to pick up and at least try a bit. Now, ideally I’d love to just install a new hard drive in Gilmore, but the set-up of Gilmore’s case is such that it becomes difficult to actually install a hard drive in there. Thus, external hard drive - 1TB, since it was relatively inexpensive. (Though does someone want to tell me why the fuck they charge £10 more for a blue or purple one than they do a red or black one? IT’S THE SAME INSIDE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.) Anyway. So. It took some messing around, but I did get it properly installed and recognised by Steam, and my test install of Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey seems to be going relatively well. From what I Googled about running Steam games on an external drive, I should be fine at this point. However, that didn’t feel like quite enough, so I’m doing a couple of other bits of reorganisation on the PC. I don’t actually watch a whole lot of my videos, so I’m currently in the process of moving them all to the drive in my external drive dock, where I can watch them if I switch the thing on but save the space on the main drives for other stuff. Thus, more games. I mean, probably not too many more games, because we are talking about more than ... well, my current love affair with small indie games leaves me with a lot of games that don’t take up so much disc space, thankfully, but shit like any recent AC game or anything like that just ... sooooooo much data.

So now I’m watching various bits of externally connected drive go Chugga-Chugga-Chugga because I don’t really want to slow anything down by playing a game or whatever. It’s fine; I have plenty to occupy myself meantime. Though mostly it’ll be an exercise in watching over all this in the spirit of “watching paint dry”, but only because I’m slightly paranoid and want to be here to appropriately poke at it if anything goes wrong. Well, at least it’ll give me a reasonable organisational foundation on a couple of levels, mostly without too much in the way of physical activity and thus fibromyalgia pain.

I’m waiting until the weekend to vacuum the carpet.

[girlierest]

The long debate of what is it really that makes everything I draw so fucking fundamentally hideous that it appeals to zero people. And whatfuckingever, draw for yourself as if my concepts and driving force was never for myself, I'm still mad someone who literally only draws half naked men facing left said that to me, who actively went out of my way to challenge myself by doing something new every time I pick up my tablet pen. Like are you fucking serious there isn't a ton of repetition or even a hard pattern between my body of work. Even the colour palettes I try to mix up to cover my bases. I don't want a weak spot/a colour I can't work with.

I know it's the style. It's too western, ofc it doesn't fit Gnshn standards. I could, and have, illustrated whole scenes. Never gets as much traction as someone's 15 minute doodle. The style is so ugly and western. The colouring style isn't painterly, isn't cel shading, isn't clean enough. I'm working on the colouring, idk if I even want to change my style or if I'm even capable. It took forever to even get to a point to step away from anime eyes and weak necks.

It's also not realistic enough. Not painterly/perfectly rendered enough. It's too cartoony, not a flawless portrait.

Idk where I'm even going with this rant. I would love to be an artist, and yeah whatever if you draw that technically makes you one in some capacity, but unfortunately I love art. And I'll never be good at it evidently. And it's fucking frustrating that I still care enough about it to try. It's not even remotely innate. Never had a talent for a damn thing in my life so it's just been conscious practice, drills, mistakes, experimentation, and repeat. For years. Nearing a decade. That's so fucking pathetic.

Idk what exactly to do. Putting it down and stepping away means I will need to relearn everything again inevitably because it has always been an acquired skill with years of daily practice in to improve, still going. If I step away from digital I will literally forget the already shit skills I have now, which means I have to relearn everything again. Hell, getting a Surface Pro and using it regularly for one semester in college resulted in having to relearn drawing on a normal tablet on my other computer all over again.

The dissatisfaction of accomplishing nothing also stems from broken childhood dreams. I've always wanted to be an artist. Since circa 2016-2017, I found a viable way to actually be one and aspired to it. Should I just fucking stop? I've had to talk myself down and out of my stupid fucking delusions of grandeur that I might one day succeed at these seemingly impossible goals for me specifically, but easily attainable for literally anyone else. It's so fucking frustrating.

[jamesfalt]

this is a wip i'm posting here and NOT to twitter separately (i'm just gonna link to this post on twitter) but i kinda wanted a place to quickly talk about seacrette's development bc true to her name she really fucking stayed secret for like 13 years. she's not a character i really put emphasis on at all either despite existing as long as my other utaus.

so yeah long ramble bc she's just that old of an oc

her original bank was recorded likely late 2011, if my old deviantarts were still accessible i could get a more exact date bc i remember i kinda tried to hype her up to my like 20 deviantart followers by saying was "working on a secret project" and the joke was that her name WAS secret. i was gonna do a big reveal like HAHA GET IT. SECRET PROJECT?? HER NAME IS SECRET???

but as i mentioned in the comparison post yesterday, i ran into issues with her that i don't quite remember. i believe some notes were really fucked up? and instead of recording into a folder on my desktop i was recording directly into the utau voices folder and it just like Corrupted or s/t to the point where i couldn't salvage that bank at all. today i think some of those problems would be fixed by. redoing the frq files but in my defense i was 11 and barely understood how to use audacity let alone a program that, at the time, didn't have an english translation

design wise, i couldn't tell you why i designed her that way honestly. i think i wanted a character with white hair that wasn't one of my kirikitties at the time? but why she, a blue bird, had no blue on her design i couldn't tell you. i tried to hunt down any form of proper ref of that design but i must've redesigned her quickly bc these are the only pictures i could find of this design

when i went to redo her, i could not for the life of me get it to do the NEW files to show up, it just kept defaulting to that original fucked bank. the only way i could get it to change was by naming the folder differently despite that ORIGINAL BANK NO LONGER BEING IN THERE and so the kirakira "seacrette" came to be and just stuck

seacrette's act2 i never...released? i'm thinking i ran into the problem i ran into with roxy back then where due to the nature of where the utau folder was (on the program files that u need admin perms for), it just refused to zip the sound files no matter what. ok yeah i checked my mediafire and she was in there but yeah, no sounds. just the oto, readme, and character files

OH WAIT MEDIAFIRE TELLS ME WHEN I UPLOADED IT. SHE WAS DONE IN OCTOBER 2011 that's right bc her original concept was super edgy that she was involved in some fucking werebird attack and her bird parts were mutilated. that's why she has the 1 little feather on her tail.

design wise here, i don't think i ever really landed on a design i liked, which could've also explained why i never did a proper voicebank video too.

the quality on her act2 wasn't that bad though so when i got slightly better at utau i simply redid her oto but i just still never released her even after 3 years unless there's somewhere i'm not looking, but i never had a proper voicebank dl video for her so i doubt it.

this redo came with a redesign where i tried to actually incorporate more blue into her design dklsjhdsf and this is where i mainly got her current color scheme

as you may know, when i moved from colorado to california, my childhood computer what kaput on me and i really had to fight salvage files from it, and the idea was always to get a hard drive reader to transfer the rest after i got a new computer the following year, but my dad, in a drunken fit, destroyed his OWN computer and after that fit we came to find that he had also taken to that hard drive. it only had a slight dent in it, but i never did get a chance to see if it would still work bc then we had that emergency move out of california, the hard drive wasn't my top priority anymore, and i left it behind. perhaps it's sitting somewhere around that area still, but everything that was on there that i didn't salvage is gone. that included every single voicebank i couldn't get to zip. i do not have access to seacrette's act2 anymore

i don't know exactly when i decided to scrap the albinism(?) design, it was during revoice when i redesigned her to be an npc for roxy, and then i remember drawing an early design of this current look in 11th grade

this art that i have NO CLUE of when i drew it was probably around 2021ish based on the eye shapes is where we get the first look at the new seacrette design

OFFICIAL SEACRETTE ACT3 DESIGN FINISHED IN 2022 APPARENTLY is where we land now design wise. i incorporated all that green i really liked in her original design while also making it VERY CLEAR she's a blue bird. i got rid of the edgy backstory, she's still blind just blind by natural occurrences now. i think i tried giving her yellow eyes but i just liked the blue more bc it balanced the design more

may of last year is when i sat down and recorded her for the first time in 10 years and i have continued the tradition of not releasing her KLSDFJHKLSDFJ but i recorded her shortly after i started testosterone, did her in one day so i knew that she would be set. and currently she just sits needing me to do her boxart. like that's where we are today. i might go fuck with her oto some bc i learned i was still doing one part wrong but overall, i just need to do her boxart and we'll be set to go, i'm going to use the cover i linked as her release song and then the one i did yesterday as her preview video

tale of the oc i've had for 13 years but jsut never really released bc ?????