#I had such a good day yesterday because I was prioritizing myself

[superbattrash]

A friend asked if we could hang out today which gave me so much anxiety that I couldn’t get out of bed for four hours

[delicatetaysversion]

how do i politely tell my sister i don't want to stay up all night and drink and party with her

[strawberryamanita]

Alright, I gotta head this off at the pass. If you are feeling uneasy because of the new outrage directed at Mark, please consider giving this a read. I'm just one single schlub, but I know a thing or two about reacting on impulse because of my triggers, and I gotta throw my hat into the ring.

Okay.

I know about the Hospital game video. Very unsettling stuff, I can well imagine. As someone who can't handle graphic depictions of real-life events myself, I'm not going anywhere near the video. I also know now that the TikTok angry mob is looking to cancel him because he hasn't taken the video down as of the publishing of this post(July 11th, 2023, 10:52AM EST).

Y'all, I'm asking you, as a concerned fandom member, to please give Mark the benefit of the doubt. [He uploaded a video literally yesterday] talking about how busy and stressful things have been for him: he just lost his grandmother, he got sick, he gets injured frequently, he's in the middle of filming a movie that he had to take a break from because he was putting himself at risk for damaging his eyes, it just keeps going.

If you're outside the fandom and just having fun sending stray shots everywhere, please know that Mark is not gonna ignore all this when he's able to address it -- but that when is not right now. Mark and his editing team do a good job warning his viewers about common things like flashing lights and exceptionally gross imagery; this other video is a long way from the improvements the channel has made. 7 years ago feels less relevant than 1 day ago.

I'm pretty confident that Mark's not gonna refuse to delete the video because "Oh don't censor art" or whatever he's gonna get accused of. He, like I'm imagining a good deal of people were, was not aware of how real those images were, and it's probably not at the front of his mind because that video is buried under literally thousands of others on the channel. Mark's deleted videos before, he probably doesn't have a special attachment to this video or anything.

And, real quick, before you question why his editors won't just do it for him -- it's still his channel, I don't think he'd be cool with his editors making decisions about deleting things without running it by him.

All of this stemming from TikTok makes perfect sense, seeing how the fandom on tumblr was completely calm before the news was brought in from the outside. TikTok runs entirely on sensationalism and hype and clicks, and the eternal engine of Needing To Cancel Someone comes for us all one day. But I am asking you -- you, the person reading this, not the algorithm on TikTok -- to step back and think about this situation for yourself. No, I'm not just "defending a celebrity" and all that -- I'm trying to say that this uproar is being driven by very intense emotions drummed up by graphic content, and your nerves are probably shot by thinking about it all and I hear all of that. I've done impulsive things while triggered myself, you have all of my sympathy, none of this is to downplay the shockwave hitting you and others right now.

But Mark made a mistake.

Making a mistake does not make someone a bad person. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make me a bad person, and it doesn't make Mark a bad person.

Please don't keep yourself on constant duty to watch his every move and time how long he's been "ignoring" this on a stopwatch. Mark is known for pushing himself more than he should; the fact that he hasn't addressed this yet is a good sign that he has hit capacity levels of stress.

Let yourself breathe. Distance yourself from the video. Ask around on tumblr for their favorite lighthearted Markiplier videos, or just watch another YT'er if you need to get even further away from this. Prioritize your mental health today. You are going to be okay. This is all going to be okay.

Please let yourself believe that.

[kelseytheballerina]

you’re only always happy because you’re rich and not mentally ill. so unfair.

I’m happy bc I fill my days doing things that make me enjoy life, I don’t compare myself to others, if I’m in an unfavorable situation then I do whatever I can to no longer be in that situation, I practice delayed gratification to reach my goals, I don’t wallow in yesterdays misfortunes, I prioritize having healthy relationships, I don’t believe in guilty pleasures and instead indulge my interests without shame, I dance to loud music first thing in the morning, I keep the promises I make to myself, I take care of myself well inside and out, I approach life in a way that’s realistic but still optimistic, I nourish my body with delicious foods just as often as I nourish my mind with good films, I get plenty of fresh air and sunlight, I don’t spend time in negative online spaces full of hate and fear mongering, I spend lots of time alone and thoroughly enjoy my own company, I wear what I want even if others aren’t wearing it too, and I move through life confidently because I know I haven’t wronged others or stepped on anyone to get what I have.

Does money and a clean bill of health make a difference? You bet it does and I won’t pretend that it doesn’t. But it’s not everything. Not even close. Besides the cards we were dealt with at birth that we can’t do anything about (where you’re born, what family you come from, illnesses you are predisposed to, etc) the absolute overwhelming majority of our happiness comes from the choices we make. Read that last part again. And once I figured out that my happiness comes from what I choose to do with myself, I acted on that knowledge. Every single waking day of my life has been me choosing to be happy in how I care for my health and fitness, the clothes I wear, the foods I eat, the media I consume, the people I talk to, the men I entertained, the places I visit, the time I wake up, and everything in between. Nothing unfair about it. We may not all have the same options available but as someone who has lived in multiple states and had to uproot my life every time we moved, I can tell you that happiness does not lie in what falls in front of you. It lies in what you put in front of yourself.

[katvalentinesblog]

May 8th

Yesterday was orientation at my new job. I had the worst anxiety the day before and of orientation. A couple days ago I found out I was dropped by my insurance. I had to pay full price for my dr visit then found out my Zoloft is $243 without insurance. So I had to make my last few days stretch and with missing doses I’m completely out of my mind with anxiety. I was crying and shaking before my orientation yesterday. I just found out about an app that can drastically lower my Zoloft costs so I will pick it up tomorrow. Also when I get really scared I always try to blame it on my transition so for the second time in like 2 months I sent a message to planned parenthood asking how to stop my hormones followed by another message saying “oh nevermind I want to stay on hormones I just need therapy sorry”. So now I’m super worried what they think and worried they will take my prescription away. Which I don’t blame them if they do because I’m a complete fucking idiot. Hopefully they won’t think too much of it but like I said I did this once before a couple months ago. Hopefully they will call and I can explain myself. I want to stay on my hormones more than anything even if I have to do it in private the rest of my life. Anyways Home Depot is intimidating as hell. It’s even worse I’m so heavy because I have absolutely no self confidence around the other people there. I’m really sabotaging myself in every way. My anxiety is so crazy. I woke up at 4am which was about an hour ago and can’t sleep. When is it going to click?? When am I going to prioritize my health?? I’m freaking out about my hormones being take. Away although I can have over a month left of them at home I’m sure I can figure something out if then end up taking my prescription away for acting crazy. Not being on my Zoloft for a couple days has my anxiety going nuts. I’m just not in a good place. I’m going to try and lay back down and sleep. I work tomorrow and every weekday for the next two weeks YIKES. So I’m going to diet very hard like try not to eat much at all. Maybe try the 5 bite diet again. If I was very thin it would help my self confidence and anxiety exponentially!!! I’m going to get my meds tomorrow morning and pray everything goes smoothly. Hopefully planned parenthood calls and I can explain myself and bed them not to stop my hormones. Let’s see how tomorrow goes. Thank God for tumblr. I’m so fkn lucky to have this outlet. Getting this worry out to this journal helps immensely!!!! I hope I can fall back asleep. Please please please God, universe, guardian angel, anything out there please help make my life better. Please 🙏🏻 Ok im going to try and sleep. My alarm goes off in an hour and a half yuck.

[juuuthoughts]

1/100 Days of Productivity

So I basically been doing this all year, being super productive and spending so much time studying, working, exercising and meal prepping and some days I feel like it was not enough, but looking back I think this would be a good challenge to keep me motivated (as the screenshot of my grades from field school :'), because I have to be kind with myself, I am doing the best I can with the tools I have. I feel proud of me because going to a new country, language, culture, start from 0 is not easy, but I have been up to the challenge, I have visualize myself succeeding and that is what I am doing.

So, starting yesterday Sunday November 5 as my start date what I have accomplished:

 ☑ I wake up early and meditate

 ☑ I cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for me, avoiding junk food, prioritizing protein and veggies. I also made enough to have a balanced lunch the day after.

 ☑ I study for Statistics and did my group part for the team project I have. I met with my group and the assignment was submitted.

 ☑ I made the pre-lab for today and guess what the dilution scheme that I created was the one we used (even if I doubt of myself and called it dumb, this was a lesson this morning for me where I need to trust myself more...believe more in me)

 ☑ I studied about Air Sampling, took notes for later (exam) and presented the quiz before midnight

 ☑ I went to buy groceries as eggs :)

 ☑ I shared time talking on the phone with my granmas, now that I have more time by myself connecting is always needed and a mood booster 💕👵💕

 ☑ I workout! I realize that not having to go to the gym everyday and acommodating workouts for home is always better than doing nothing at all, I am thinkin seriously to buy some 25 lbs dumbells. There is no excuse.

☑ Journaling about things I feel grateful for, the moment of the day I really appreciate it, what I learned, the achievements of my day, and what I could have done better (study for the chemistry exam, going to bed earlier and drink more water). My weekly affirmation:

I can with everything.

For today, Monday, I had solid 7 hours of sleep, I meditated, went to classes with a better attitude (yes I am tired but it depends on me if I make my days miserable or I enjoy the little things), worked on the invitation letter for my dad to visit me next year, doing this! I will have lunch and....

📝organize my house a little bit (bed, dishes, vacuum, 15 min of whatever I want to organize)

📝have a lovely 30 min walk enjoying that the weather is not bad

📝study for my chemistry exam

📝workout of the day

📝listen to positive affirmations 5 minutes and 10 minutes of the audiobook the 5th agreement (which I am loving)

📝I started a gratitude journal on a blog, and I want to finish it (365 days) best moment to do that

📝drink 8 glasses of water

📝 Dedicate 30 minutes to the lab I had this morning so I can finish the most I can

📝Dedicate 30 minutes to the class notes I had for statistics

📝 Review email from my work

📝30 minutes to each class I have tomorrow and whatever that means (notes, project)

📝Cook dinner and for tomorrow while I review chemistry

📝 More chemistry :)

📝Dedicate time to my cats

📝 My night routine

[girlievirtual]

some thoughts on being kind to myself

i had such a great weekend :) on saturday i went clubbing with some friends, then on sunday it was my brother's bday, so i got to hang out with my family; and later i had some friends over for dinner and they stayed until like 2 am, i had such fun 🫶

but sunday was a day where i didn't study for any of my exams, where i ate junk food for the first time since starting to pay attention to eating healthy, and where i didn't sleep at all so today (national holiday btw) i lost my alarm and woke up at midday. today was the day where i was meant to "get back on track" but sleeping in really made me feel like i wasn't going to be able to deal with everything that i "had to" do today (studying, working out, meal planning etc).

on days like these i struggle a lot with not being harsh to myself, so today was a HARD self esteem day. i planned on restricting heavily for this week bc of having bday cake yesterday, and don't do anything besides studying and working out (of course no time for relaxing, meditating, working on hobbies). but after all it's important to acknowledge that the key for a better life is balance, and having a weekend where i prioritize having fun and enjoying my social life is also an important part of my journey.

the pinterest-green juices-pink pilates princess-academic weapon image of wellness that we all have is great but health is not only that: doing anything that makes me feel good is an act of wellness.

and getting back on track really seemed impossible as soon as i woke up but then i noticed that, because of trying to organise myself during the week, i was pretty ahead on my studies, and i could make some space for walking in the park which is, not only a great exercise, but also a relaxing and fun activity that i enjoy. so literally nothing is lost 💗

[whentherewerebicycles]

gotta be honest I felt real bad for most of the day yesterday but gosh it’s so nice to be able to swing by my bff’s house after work to eat thai leftovers together and go grocery shopping and cackle a lot. my overall quality of life is about to skyrocket and I just still can’t believe I got so lucky.

I feel a little better today, probably because I’ve switched into planning mode and feel a little more in control of my life again. I think I am going to move forward with IVF abroad (though in the meantime I might go through a couple more IUI cycles to use up the donor sperm I still have in storage). more thinking aloud under the cut… sorry I just have to process everything out loud.

I know many people do IUI or try to conceive naturally for a long time and there might be some wisdom in continuing to try the lower-tech option for a while longer. however, I feel like I need to consider the following things:

I only have one fallopian tube now. it’s still possible for me to get pregnant via IUI, but after reading a bunch of articles I’m not sure that the “having only one tube doesn’t affect your chances!” messaging online is true. I can still get pregnant, but it seems like my time to conception will almost certainly be extended by quite a bit.

I need to weigh the practical costs. if I try IUI for six more months, that’s at least $15k, which is almost twice what an IVF cycle abroad would cost me.

I need to weigh the emotional costs. the IUI failures were tough but I could weather them and I could’ve probably kept going if that last cycle had failed. but the ectopic pregnancy was just devastating and I still feel like I am in a place of lowgrade anguish about it. could I keep going with IUI? yes, if I had to. but I also don’t have to use “could I force myself to endure a very painful emotional experience if I had to” or “have other people endured this painful experience in the past” as my criteria for making this decision. I don’t have to compare myself to other people or make choices based on the level of despair I think I can endure. I can make the ‘selfish’ decision that prioritizes my needs right now, because it’s my money, my time, my life, my heart.

I just really, really, really want to give myself a good shot at being pregnant before my SIL gives birth in March. I would love for our kids to be the same age and I also think that would line me up better with liz & A’s timeline.

obviously I would just be over the moon to have even one baby!!!! but in my ideal world I’d be able to have two kids a couple years apart. and if that is my goal, the time pressure is real. if I got pregnant at 34 I’d give birth at 35 and probably wouldn’t begin the process again until 37, at which point it would be even harder than it is now. if I’m very lucky, IVF might also give me the chance to freeze embryos while my eggs are a little younger.

after a lot of research, I think finding a clinic in Mexico makes the most sense for me. it’s a little more expensive than some of the European clinics, but here are the benefits:

I can book direct flights on points

most flights are under 4 hours (compared to 14-15 hours to europe). so it’ll be easier to get there and back if I have to return for future transfers or egg retrievals—like, I could fly down over a long weekend instead of having to plan around major holiday breaks when I have more time off. I think this will put much less weight on each individual try, as opposed to doing it in Europe where a failed cycle would likely mean having to wait 6+ months until I could accrue enough PTO to go again.

I can arrange to work remotely some or all of the time I have to be in-country since I’ll be in the same timezone

no one is going to make this decision for me or give me permission to do it—I have to be the one to decide to move forward. so I’m deciding. this week I will reach out to 5-6 clinics to schedule initial consultations. I’m not sure how long the waiting period is but man it would be great to be able to schedule something for the fall. I think if I had a date on the calendar, even if it’s a ways out, I could focus my energy on diet/exercise/sleep/overall emotional well-being and just, idk, feel like I was moving towards a goal instead of drifting in time like I am now. if I want this I just gotta get moving. and if it doesn’t pan out I can grieve and shift my focus to other routes to parenthood, but I think I’m far enough down this road that I have to exhaust my options first before I’ll be able to let go of this dream and move on.

[abcd-adventures]

Yesterday, I got a workout and some yoga in and my body feels so happy. I always know how much better I feel when I prioritize these things and yet still they get ignored from time to time. Of the many times that has happened over the years, though, this time I have been the least hard on myself. I am counting that just as much a win as I am counting getting back to a healthier fitness routine.

The other day, my new boss sent me an email that just said “STOP WORKING.” I have made time during my vacation several times to check my emails or make phone calls; she has told me that it is her “pet peeve” when people work while not at work, and while I fully agree that our culture is definitely screwed up in its relationship with work, I also believe that things cannot be so black and white when in the mental health field. I certainly don’t work obsessively, but neither is it good for my mental health to completely check out for this length of time. I have found a balance on my terms that works for me--something that I process with my clinical supervisor on an ongoing basis. New boss said that we’ll “discuss it” when I get back and--according to my coworkers--has been complaining about me while I’m out. (She has also complained several times about her supervisor and other staff to us in meetings, etc.) I am working on making peace with it and trying to be compassionate because I know that people act this way for reasons. Still...I am annoyed. I do look forward to the discussion, though, because I’ve had time to think about what I will say and how. Whether or not she hears or respects me is another matter, but I will not change on this and my respect for authority only goes so far. We’ll see. (And, yes, I fully recognize that my extreme privilege allows me to feel and respond in this way.)

[velvetporcelain]

7:03 p.m.

After dinner cigarette, ritualistic.

I feed my begging dogs- they can tell time.

After dinner deep dive into my mind. Yesterday I was confined to my bed - what a nightmare of sorts. I was convinced that half my body pain was because I wasn’t moving, I couldn’t move, but I had to. The pain was worse when I was still. This hit me randomly- I kept thinking I have actives this sickness myself— or the body is cleansing itself and I need bed rest—- and for me? one day in bed is heaven and hell the entire day.

I lay there with myself. doomed. falling into pestilence. I enjoyed the heavenly part of being able to drop the mental load of my house. The only thing I like about being sick. It’s like my body knows this house needs me. — I’m good at healing.

two days until I modify my body again. a pain that I need to feel. A pain I can endure. Ive been sorta free floating, as if there were no gravity. Head is in space. Maybe this is dissociating—? Maybe this one step closer to godliness.

i feel like I haven’t had a chance to slow my pace. It’s been coming in short bursts and breaks. taking what I can get like a beggar who knows she can’t be a chooser. I’m becoming the chooser. A true lady does not beg for things because she knows she has everything she needs.

my needs are prioritized, my dreams are glorified, my wants lead me to a higher self.

I do feel stunningly beautiful inside. I want to keep it all to myself. I want to glow. I want to glow.

-x

[todayisafridaynight]

hey, i hope life's treating ya well this week! i finished y6 yesterday and came to share some thoughts if you don't mind :)

i think kiryu tried to project on his kids what he wanted kazama to be like as a father, but ultimately kazama'ed all of them, especially daigo. i found the ending of y6 very touching, but that's because i like daigo in all of his bland npc glory, and i agree with a lot of criticism of that ending being somewhat weird, especially when we had so little interaction with haruka, who just. you know. woke up from a coma. i wrote this already in my blog, but i'll repeat myself: that ending would've made much more sense if we had just more of daigo in general amd/or saw his transition from his y2 version to his version later in the series. like, we know haruka and kiryu are close, and we assume daigo and kiryu are close too, but i'd love to see more evidence of it in the actual text. that one substory in y0 clearly wasn't enough. i wish we could have more of haruka, MUCH more of haruka, too. the lack of her agency in y6 after y5 felt frustrating

i did enjoy the game, though. i really liked the callbacks to the previous games. as for side activities, it never seizes to amaze me how the eroge minigames are become just more and more unhinged. but all the missed storytelling opportunities, man

(it's also v funny that daigo's sr card code in clan creator is kiryusavemepleaz. i don't speak japanese and therefore haven't played rggo, but i know about a story where majima lets daigo win him on purpose or something? also the situations daigo's often put in (which are mostly near death experiences), him never getting any kind of resolve with ryuji as well... i think yokoyama kinda hates daigo lmao)

Heya! I sure love thoughts and I sure love talking about Daigo :]

On the note about 'Kazama'ing his kids, I'm going to be ugly and take a minute to interpret what that means if you don't mind.

When it comes to what Kazama did to his kids, he allowed Nishiki and Kiryu to join the yakuza despite knowing the dangers of it at their insistence. Ergo, we see Kazama prioritize the yakuza, telling Kiryu to leave the Dojima situation in Y1 alone. Moreover, despite Kazama lacking faith in Nishiki's abilities as a yakuza, he still expected him to be able to lead a family by himself while he took care of Yumi in hiding.

As for Kiryu and his kids, it was evident Kiryu wanted to be able to parent the kids at Morning Glory- to speculate, maybe as a way to atone of Kazama's messy paretning without outright admitting Kazama had faults. However, his bond with those in the yakuza inevitably kept him coming back, especially in regards to Daigo (who, of course, we find out he sees as a son. In this, it's a case of Kiryu still wanting to be a good parent, but the priorities aren't exactly there). In this (and I've discussed this in a post prior), Kiryu's attempting to spread himself thin when it comes to his family: he wants to help the Tojo, if not predominantly due to Daigo's presence there, but he also wants to father the orphans at Morning Glory. Unfortunately, since Kiryu can justify leaving the kids as Okinawa's a safer setting and he's admittedly at his best in a fight, he ends up leaving for Tokyo every time action's needed.

It's actually Kiryu's constant leaving that had me assume he was writing his letter to Haruka at first during Y6's ending, specifically when he was talking about how he lamented not spending more time with her. On the subject of Haruka, Y6 really did her disgustingly: as soon as she was of age, she becomes a mother and, on top of that, she gets hit by a car and is in a coma the majority of the game and doesn't even get to properly spend time with Kiryu before he vanishes. I genuinely wish and- foolishly- hope one day Haruka can actually get the respect she deserves after having been such an important, prominent, and interesting character throughout this franchise.

To talk about Daigo and Kiryu, the main subject of this ask I feel, I think RGG did as much as they could when it came to demonstrating Kiryu and Daigo's relationship. In Y5, it's revealed that Kiryu believes that people who become close to him suffer (and in this scene in particular, he's referring to Daigo after he gets shot on the roof)- how long he's had this mentality I couldn't definitively tell you, but I wouldn't be surprised if this has been a thought since everyone's deaths in Y1. Because of Kiryu's fear for others' well-being, it can be reasoned that Kiryu might have wanted to keep his distance from Daigo as much as he could lest something go wrong (but of course, he also feels responsible for protecting others, leading him to take action where he should probably leave things be). In Y4, we can see the buds of Kiryu regretting not being there for Daigo when he needed him most, outright apologizing to him for putting him in the position of chairman without any proper training or time. Considering all of this, Kiryu's letter to Daigo aligns with what we've seen: even if Kiryu wasn't able to be close to Daigo and properly guide him like he should have, he still confesses that Daigo was incredibly important to him and he regrets letting that fear stop their bond from deepening.

Daigo on the flip side, we become very aware that he values Kiryu immensely. To return to Y5, at the end of his taxi ride he tries to reassure Kiryu that he's able to carry himself without his help (i.e. 'I'm trying my best to walk this path' after Kiryu kicks him out of the car). Daigo's need for Kiryu's approval is also evident in RGGO: the story with Majima you're talking about is one of his character stories where he first becomes chairman. In this story, Daigo struggles to understand what Kiryu's intention was entrusting him to the Tojo Clan, but once he realizes it, this is his turning point to stop being the brute he was in Y2. To extend on RGGO shining light on Daigo's feelings for Kiryu, during his initial meeting with Mine in Mine's story, he lets Mine know he was so ardent in watching the Tojo at first so he could make 'the man' who put him in that position proud, and later during their bar conversation in another one of Mine's stories, he lets Mine know that while he doesn't consider Kiryu family at this point, he still considers him someone incredibly close to him (and as we see in Y6, Daigo will do a hard 180 on this and proudly call Kiryu his father). To jump back to Kiryu for a second, we can argue that Mine's whole 'what could Daigo see in a man like you' line could have contributed to Kiryu's want to distance himself from Daigo. Because what if Mine had a point: what WAS there to admire in Kiryu? What could Daigo POSSIBLY like about Kiryu, and would it not just be better if he wasn't in his life after- inadvertently- getting him put in a coma? To end this segment on a goofy note, Daigo's clan code being 'kiryuhelpmeplz' is super funny with the father/son lens: Daigo's gotta call his dad to help him out </3

EDIT: In regards to the RGGO story I mentioned here, I misremembered the exact quote and that drastically changes the scene and meaning I'm referencing, and significantly portrays the relationship between Daigo and Kiryu differently from what I've said. For the correct quote and sentiment, please refer to this ask here (x)

In all of this, it's reasonable that RGG couldn't expand on Kiryu and Daigo's relationship, but that's what makes Kiryu's letter so significant. We see from Kiryu and Daigo's sides individually that they saw each other as family, but neither of them were able to confront that fact directly for one reason or another (Kiryu, again, with is fear of hurting those he loves and his general inability to express his emotions perfectly. Daigo might have thought seeing Kiryu as his dad was inappropriate, especially after having had to believe he killed his actual dad). Kiryu lamenting the bond they could have had wouldn't have had the same merit if Kiryu and Daigo were actually able to bond more, but because they didn't and we see they still cherish each other, the impact's there.

My long ugly ramble aside, I'm glad you still enjoyed the game! I don't know if you have any more of the games left to play, but if you ever get around to them I hope you enjoy them!

[katapunberbicara]

I don’t think we will have any conversations, until

I wake up with mixed up feelings. I had a dream last night, but it seems that the dream slowly fades as my consciousness coming. So I grab my notebook and try to write this down before it has completely forgotten. Something clear that I still remember is I was crying in my dream, meeting someone from the past I haven’t hear the news for years. But I still hope that he is doing fine, because he is a kind person and all I know about him is his kindness. He is always kind regardless of what situation he is in.

Some of you may think ‘kind’ is only a standard quality, but for me at such age, the word of kindness is a strong word. It is hard to maintain to be always good in some days you feel your world has fallen to. And it is hard to be always kind to others in some days you feel your day is blue and the world seems to avoid you. Your act and your words may unintentionally hurt people around. Meanwhile the world we are living in really needs many kinds of person like him.

He is kind to whoever. Rather than driven by certain ‘whys but the duty as human to humanize people. He is kind without intention. His genuineness and pureness really come from heart. I don’t know whether it is only me who is romanticizing or I am such good to read people and their intention, but I can feel it. As what comes from heart would touch the heart. This kindness has touched my heart.

And after several years not hearing the news from him, eventually I have heard good news coming. It is a relief that he has found his chosen one, his soon to be other half. He is such a kind person and I hope he has found another kindhearted person he deserve. But at that time, I have no time to really think about it as the world goes and by at rush. It is just a slight good news from my past colleague.

Until yesterday, I eventually dreamt of him in certain occasion. We had conversations and he explained everything I needed to know. Dream is always strange and hard to explain, but it is very strange that he was coming into my dream at this such time. During these passing days, there are many things I should prioritize to think of instead my personal feelings. The latest news may weight my mind unconsciously that much or deep inside I may think we would never have conversations, so I want to meet him once again?

Thus after years of disconnection, we suddenly met through the dream, having intense conversations. Questions yet to be answered then had found the answers. I don’t really remember what exactly every conversation we had, but what I clearly remembered the context of it was a farewell. I saw myself shed the tears several times realizing there was no way to make it work. But I saw myself fully accepted to let go of things that shouldn’t stay.

When waking up, I am such surprised since it is really a strange thing to dream of him. But at the other side, I do feel relieved with this opportunity. Our path hasn’t crossed anymore so I don’t think we will have any conversations in real life, but luckily, myself has had the words of affirming through this whimsical dream.

When writing this down, I rather feel dejavu since it has typical storyline with the past story I ever wrote with fictional character (now I re-read again to those stories, which entitled a garden of sunflower, a sequel from a sunny day on Sunday of May that may turn out to be rain). Maybe it is the time I am being the character of my own story. Or maybe I am way too immersed to the character I have ever made. I still don’t know what the dream does mean, but by writing this down, I want to give it a meaning.

Central Jakarta, 27th January 2024 | ©Hairatunnisa

[chaoticgeminate]

Kinktober 2022 - Day Twenty Two

Pairing: Javi Gutierrez x f!Reader

Rating: Explicit (If that was not entirely clear)

Series Summary: You’re a fanfiction writer turned novelist, which was great since it was the path you wanted your writing to take you down in life. What you never thought would happen was meeting the Javier Gutierrez, who you actively write smutty fanfiction about from his film with Nic Cage, and you especially didn’t expect him to have a crush on you.

Fast forward several months of dating, with a good chunk of your relationship being distance due to his constant traveling and having to go home to Mallorca, when he surprises you with a prompt list and a vacation planned around exploring it.

You haven’t even worked up the nerve to tell him about what you write and post to Tumblr about him as a character yet.

Notes: Going to be using prompts from @the-purity-pen for my meta as hell indulgence! There are feelings in this (I have no idea how they got there) and I may end up removing some possible chapters here and there depending on how I’m feeling, I apologize in advance if that happens because my brain is super mean sometimes.

Possible Warnings: Smut, Phone Sex, consent discussions

Phone Sex (1.5k)

It had been an emergency flight.

Javi had apologized profusely about interrupting but there had been some issues with the olive business back in Spain and the vendors were refusing to budge if Javi didn’t make an appearance, likely tied to Paulina and her brother but you had no clue since even Javi had been in the dark about any problems happening.

He left yesterday, after you two fucked like rabbits in his study, and you’d been writing notes and blurbs and tidbits of ideas for new fics or even new concepts for your novel series. The inspiration of this place, of this month, was unreal and you were glad you had prioritized time with Javi over everything.

Even notes in your phone had been unimportant compared to just being here with him.

But now that you’d had him at your side for so long, you lived with him and woke up with him, you missed him more. Which was stupid, you had him to yourself -basically- for three weeks and you couldn’t realistically be by his side every waking second of the day.

“I really am sorry-“

“Gabi, hey, I get it. You’re not to blame because the workers won’t talk to anyone except him, and I wouldn’t want you dealing with their continued attitude by refusing to contact him just so we could finish our trip out.”

“A vacation is meant to be a vacation, that is all, I wanted you both to have this.”

“I can speak for Javi when I say, we do appreciate it, truly. You have been a great friend, to both of us, and we know you only called because you had no other choice.”

“As soon as we are done I will get him back to you.”

“I know you will, and thank you for helping me with this. I hope he likes it.”

“Javi will love it, I promise you, I cannot wait to see his face.”

Your phone beeped and you glanced at the screen, your boyfriend’s cheeky grin captured on a picture taking up your screen.

“He’s calling now, thanks again.”

“Ah, anytime.”

Hearing Gabi’s excitement only amplified yours and you swapped over the call after carefully closing the drawer beside you, not wanting any chances for you to slip up that surprise before you were ready. Javi’s face was close to the screen when the video call connected and you couldn’t fight the giggle that left you.

“Cariño, you can’t teleport through the phone like that.”

“I wish I could, I should have brought you here, Solecita.”

“Javi we can’t be attached at the hips 24/7 no matter how much we want to be.”

“I miss you always but it is worse now that I’ve had you for so long without work obligations in our way.”

“I, uh, was looking over my contract with the publishing company. Gabi sent it to your employment lawyer to read over too… I can buy the rights to self-publish my existing novels and pay myself out of a legal obligation to stay where I am.”

“You mean… to move in with me?”

“Mhm, but only if you’re okay with that, I haven’t made a move yet because I wasn’t going to without consulting you first.”

“I was going to ask you what the legalities were with where you lived. I want you to live with me, even if you wanted me to downsize-“

“No, no, I had hang-ups in the past over the wealth imbalance but that was a me thing. You never once made me feel lesser because of it, that was my own mental block, trust me when I say that I won’t ask you to change a thing about who you are or what you have.”

“I love you, so much. I wish you were here, so I could show you everything. I want to see your face when I take you out on the boat the first time, when you see the pool and the cliffs… to sleep with you in my bed knowing that you won’t be across an ocean the next time I want to see you.”

His voice went soft and you set your laptop aside, watching his face as he looked away from you, and you couldn’t help but smile softly at him.

“Javi, I will need to handle the legal of things on my end but I’m- I am ready to move in with you. I took some time to just think and reflect, to talk with my therapist and my friends, and they reminded me that long distance or not there isn’t a set timeline for any relationship. That it’s okay for me to want everything even though it feels early.”

His eyes were round in disbelief for maybe half a second before he was crying, joyful tears with a smile that made you want to kiss him, and your own eyes welled over in response.

“I’ll let the staff know, do you want your own office for writing?”

“I would appreciate that, but you’re never barred from coming in okay?”

“That is- the same for you as well, even if I’m on a call, you’re welcome any time.”

Javi refused a phone tour, wanting to do one in person, and then he grinned in a way that was far from innocent.

“I am alone and have some time before I meet with the lead of staff, Solecita, if you were here I would encourage you to come sit in my lap.”

You couldn’t fight the thrill of excitement if you tried, adjusting how you were sitting in the bed, and it was a small blessing that the television stand at the end of the bed was there since you could prop your phone very easily into the groove and have both hands.

“Oh really, just to sit in your lap, or would you want me to be bare?”

He set his phone down with it propped up and you watched him lean back too, you couldn’t see much below the desk but you did know his hand was out of sight.

“Bare, of course, maybe with a flowy skirt so that I could fuck you and anyone who might walk in would be unable to tell exactly what we’re up to.”

“They would know, we aren’t exactly subtle, especially when I get so wet because of how good you make me feel.”

“Are you wet now, mi amor?”

“Just thinking of your cock inside me makes me want you, cariño.”

“Show me.”

It was easy to slide your hands down into your shorts, gathering the wetness before it could soak into your underwear, and Javi moaned at the shiny gleam on your hand.

“Play with that pretty clit for me, Solecita. You know how I touch you, close your eyes and imagine its me.”

“Fuck, Javi-“

You did as he said, closing your eyes and letting him croon through the phone as you circled your clit with two fingers, and Javi was panting into the speaker as he watched your face.

“Are you nice and wet for me, are you going to cum for me?”

His praise about how pretty you looked, how good he knew you felt, all of it made your body propel toward an orgasm that had you seeing stars and you knew he’d cum based on how hard he was breathing and the flush of his skin on your camera.

“Javi-“

“I’m taking a red-eye, I will be home as early as I can, and I will be waking you up if you’re asleep.”

Javi’s voice was rough and you knew he wanted to take care of you, to cuddle with you and stroke your hair and whisper words of love into your skin, he was an aftercare king. But the door was wide open for a conversation that you hadn’t been sure how to have with him.

“You don’t have to wake me up, Javi. You have my consent to do what you want to me while I’m asleep.”

“Solecita… you truly consent to me being physical with you while you’re sleeping?”

“Yes, Javi, I do consent to it. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up before but the idea of CNC is something I am interested in.”

“Only if you are sure, Solecita, I do not like the idea of violating your trust-“

“Which is why I trust you, Javi, you’ve been nothing but respectful and open with me.”

“If you wake up and don’t want me to continue you must safeword, do you understand?”

“I promise you if I don’t like something I will safeword, Javi.”

He nodded and a knock on the door on his side of the call made him apologize, likely shoving his cock back in his pants and trying to not look like he’d just cum, so you let him go and smiled at the small screen for just a second.

Surer than ever with what you had planned.

All Fics Taglist: @hardc0rehaylz @wordsnwhiskey @pagannightwitch @radiowallet @musings-of-a-rose @amneris21 @trickstersp8 @practicalghost @rominaszh @alwaysdjarin @alexxavicry @all-the-way-down-here

Just Pedro Taglist: @maievdenoir @beecastle @littlemisspascal @writeforfandoms @AynsleyWalker @lovesbiggerthanpride @MSWarriorBabe80

Alt Taglist: @imtryingmybeskar @fan-of-encouragement @grogusmum @sizzlingcloudmentality @deadhumourist @prostitute-robot-from-the-future

Kinktober Only: @nicolethered @katareyoudrilling

[marsmaru]

7 days left and I'm gone from my job... Different emotions have swirled in my head, some suffocating, others liberating in feeling. I've been at this place for 7 years as well as it being my second full time job. Putting up with a lot of management issues has worn me down so much that I'm happy to leave yet I'm terrified as well. Afraid of what happens next. I don't have another job lined up, I'm gambling on managing to get something while I rest since I haven't had a vacation since the end of last year.

I've caught myself doubting my decision numerous times, the whole "oh it will get better, you've weathered worse shit in this place" but thankfully it gets squashed when I have a crying spell and assurance from family and friends that its for the best. I tell myself, "Is it worth you sleeping with severe body aches, headaches, mood swings, poor appetite, and crying because of the ongoing stress? Dreading waking up because its a work day? Mentally preparing yourself when you log in to work?"

Yesterday was the last day for one of my coworkers and I told them I was leaving as well. I honestly wasn't expecting a "holy shit, you too? You deserve a better work environment and get paid more with everything you've done!" and it made my day so much and furthered my resolve to stick with the decision to leave. They and I have dealt with a lot and I do hope to keep in touch with them afterwards.

I'm still peeved from the phone call conversation with my supervisor, honestly the more I think about it, the more it felt like I was slightly being gaslit. I understand there's only so much a supervisor can do in regards to other departments but I just felt like my complaints were being watered own (not by my supervisor) or just "eh, it's her complaining again."

I've never asked or wanted recognition, I simply wanted for the people in charge to do their work. Years of seeing things not changing and with a sudden shake up within departments, I knew it wasn't going to be good for me to stay in the long run.

I do feel a tiny bit of guilt leaving my coworkers behind but I'm prioritizing my physical and mental health for once.

[likeagreencamelliatree]

8.24.24 - Part 3

There have been many things and meanings that have happened in a few moments today. I think this is good for me and the future. I have to grow up and start choosing and directing my life better and doing my best.

After receiving income from my work yesterday, I tried to use it wisely. I used it for what I needed first. Currently my internet quota is running low. So I prioritized buying my internet quota.

Now I realize that in life we ​​have to be simple. Choose things in a simple way. It's that simple.

And I realize that the journey must be enjoyed.

The time is getting late, the sky is getting dark. I worry about my grandmother who must be worried too because I haven't come home yet. So I called my grandmother but couldn't be contacted. Then I sent a message to my cousin to tell my grandmother that I would be home late. With this, I don't need to worry anymore, and neither does my grandmother.

I still want to be outside the house. This is like a recovery for my soul. I feel this is what I need. So I don't waste it like the last day. I just enjoy it.

I intend to go home at 7 pm. I think that's enough for my trip now. or maybe a little later. I want to enjoy what I really need.

I continue to blog while enjoying the surroundings. At first I was awkward with myself, finding myself in a different environment than before, I was just at home and in a hurry to go home. It's okay, just enjoy it.

I hope it will continue to improve in the future. I try to calm myself down and think positively.

Yes, just enjoy it. It's that simple.

I felt bored at the mall. I realized that I had received money, why don't I just buy snacks?

So I went to a stall selling Korean food. I bought oden for 10,000 rupiah and ice chocolate for the same price. Yes, I want to save money. I think that's enough.

Then I looked for a place to sit. I had time to sit in a spot not far from the stall. But I was disturbed by the sound of the television available on the upper wall of the wall.

I looked at a chair on the balcony with a glass edge. I'm still a bit phobic about heights and balconies from the upper floor. I thought for a moment whether this would depress me? But I was embarrassed to move around. I remembered my principle to enjoy the moment. Besides the balcony wasn't too high.

When I decided to let go of my past and my bad personality, I felt more relieved. I felt like I was in control of myself. In the past I might not have taken good care of myself. But just think of it as the best thing I could do. After all I'm just an ordinary human being.

Being outside is a moment that I like. I don't want to miss it. From now on I have to keep being outside the house. Because that's what makes me feel better.

The desire to be outside the house is not enough if it is not enjoyed.

Now I know that the journey must be enjoyed.

The thing about life is not how about other people, but how about ourselves.

What we do will affect ourselves. So don't live because of other people because that's just wasting your life.

Prioritize yourself because you need it. Moreover, what must be done is always taking care of yourself, because you will be responsible for yourself.

With this, I let go of what others want by being myself completely and living my life completely. There are no more past memories. Because, I will create my own new memories.

I was shocked to go there immediately. But I realized from myself and my past journey that I enjoyed being outside the house. So I didn't rush and continued to enjoy my time.

I remembered a "slow living" lifestyle. I think it's worth implementing.

I think the self must be prioritized. Because if we are not good, then we will treat other things badly too. All of that has an impact.

So I enjoy the time I need without thinking about other people or things. That way I feel more spacious.

From my life journey, now I am aware of what I prioritize and how I approach my life. I learned that I like the outside world. So I manage my day to make myself always be outdoors for a long time. This is a good self-treatment for me.

Even though I was bored, I tried to manage it. I focused on enjoying my time and doing something. I wrote and sometimes enjoyed food. Maybe just looking around and shopping for something.

[toalliveloved]

4/15/24

Yesterday was a better day. I reminded myself that I can control my future. I prioritized and needed a push from Lisandro to check off my lengthy to-do list. Lisandro and I are on a joint policy but ultimately I had to take the reign with setting it all up and finalizing everything. He does a lot, but his language barrier is his biggest problem here, next to suppressing his heavier emotions and chronic insomnia. Miami Beach isn’t for us but I’ve finally realized there’s never been an us.

The beach was fine. We relaxed and laughed. I wanted more affection but it’s unfortunate because I lost interest in him. I’m a galaxy and he’s a meteor. He could never understand and be the one for me. It makes sense that he handed me the ring, it was a transactional arrangement. I’m receiving no benefit at all by this. I lent a hefty hand and I’m very remorseful about this marriage. No matter how good of an angel he is, this obviously hinders me a lot. I broke my own heart, he knows.

He’s asleep next to me, and I’m not running my fingers through his hair. I’m not fondling him or pulsating. This person has gotten to know me, had an ulterior motive and bought his way through lawyers offices to begin the process of citizenship. I’m happy and stifled by my generosity, I knew he was emotionally detaching from me because I’m sick. So sick that I even agreed to this in the first place. I’m stuck and although it’s not a big deal, it’s a pretty huge fucking deal. People pay 20-30 grand to do this, I did it out of the kindness of my heart. What have I done?

I am confident now that I am aware that I am well into my 20s and should be enjoying my life. Sulking about a mistake or betrayal is exhausting. I need outdoor events and everything I remember summer to be.