#I have such a hard time articulating why I like certain characters or being able to pick a specific trait of theirs that is my favourite

[solcorvidae]

For the ask game: Favorite canon thing about this character?

The character I am asking about is Yennefer.

-nothingbutvainfantasy

@nothingbutvainfantasy

Okay, so this is less of a favourite thing about her character as a whole, (especially across the various source material,) and more of a game-specific canon detail that I love.

There’s a scene at Kaer Morhen in The Witcher 3 when Ciri reunites with Geralt and Yen, and her reaction to seeing Ciri is probably up there as one of my favourite positive interactions in the game. It’s so brief, but you can hear the excitement and the joy in her voice when she calls Ciri’s name and it’s one of those moments that just sticks out so clearly in my mind. 

[unluckilyimnot]

Heyy! So I’m struggling with an ed at the moment and I read your headcanons where the tr boys find out reader has an ed but I was wondering if u could do that for the Bonten trio? Tyyy

s/o who has ed

Characters : Ran, Rindou, Sanzu (all Bonten)

Type : ansgt, hurt to comfort

Words count : 0.5

m.list

It’s fine, I can write about it, it’s just the same as an old one I did : I speak as a girl who experienced it in a certain way, so I’ll do my best and I don’t mean any hurt it can cause. If you’re struggling with ed we can talk about it if you feel like it, but at least don’t hesitate to talk about it. Only around people you’re safe please, I don’t want you to go through the same things as I did. You can get through it even if it’s hard (I did but I’m not cured at all)

I love you, take care of yourself and people around you, please

Ran notices how you never touch the left over, even if he put it there for you to eat. He tried multiple times, just to be sure, but every time you already ate, or you're not hungry, or not enough so you’ll just eat some fruit. He knows too well what’s going on, yet he doesn’t know how to handle it. He can’t force you to see someone, but it hurts him acknowledging all your tricks, the way you still smile in front of your food when he hears you throwing up right after.

“Why aren’t you eating ?” It’s past midnight, you’re already reading tug in your shared bed and Ran just sat beside you. You can’t process it at first, it makes you feel sick. “It’s not a crime, I imagine what it is, but I want to understand you. And help if I can. Explain it all to me. Please.”

For a few seconds you tried to doubt that you deserve a man like him, before recalling he can kill for money. He may not be the best man out there, but he is for you. He’s ready to do better and understand you without getting mad. At the thought you shed a tear, and another and before you realize it you can’t articulate a proper sentence beside telling him that you’re sorry. Deeply sorry to be like this.

“It’s not your fault, don’t be sorry. I’m here for you.”

Rindou feels that you’re smaller than you used to be, so much smaller. It’s like he hasn’t held you in a million years when it’s only been two weeks since he left. He grabbed you a little more, here and there, but you can’t help but feel uneasy.

“Let me go to Rindou..”

“You’re so small, why ? Have you eaten enough when I was gone ?” panicked rush through his veins when he sees your eyes meeting the floor, guilt creeping into both of you. He knew it, he always did. He simply thought you were doing better since he was there and after all those years struggling together. It was that simple for you to stop it and start it all again. He’s helpless and, oh so sorry but not in a way when he feels like giving up. In a way that if he had to do it all again, from the beginning for you to get better, he will.

Sanzu doesn’t eat much himself, which is not helping with his addiction but he wants you to be healthy. He doesn’t like the idea of you hurting your body more than you already have to do. So when he finally realizes all your tricks to make him believe that you're eating normally despite your showing bones he’s more sad than mad. He knows he’s nobody to talk to, he’s destroying himself little by little too, but thinking he can lose you that way made him cry on your knees. You don’t even know what to do, you’re simply sorry but without being able to promise him you’ll stop.

“Don’t leave me” he cried out, not ready to lose someone else.

“I’ll try,” you replied.

In the silence, between his cries, there’s a secret promise that both of you will try to get each other out of their way, even if they can’t even help themselves.

Fist post in years /lit a bir short excuse me but i have to get used to it again

Hope you like it ♡

[feroluce]

how do u imagine natasha + sampo’s relationship?

I. Feel a little bad for leaving this in my inbox as long as I did, especially since I said in this post I could write a whole essay on them. But then when I tried to actually answer this, I realized ah shit, I can't really articulate what I think of them at all OTL

(so have a bajillion words of meta analysis of them instead fklajklasjf)

Just! Sampo is very mysterious figure, and we know so little of his background and his motivations! So it's really difficult to get a solid read on some of his relationships with other characters. Regardless, I do think that Natasha is perhaps the one he's closest with, and that she is the one person who knows him the most intimately in all of Belobog.

And a lot of it IS hard to pin down because of Sampo's slippery nature, but also because it's like. If you look at just Natasha's dialogues about Sampo, it doesn't really look like much. It only becomes more meaningful when compared to how everyone else talks about him.

Most other characters just comment on what Sampo does, as in his observable actions that are easy to see on the surface or from a distance.

Natasha is one of the very, very few that actually speaks to Sampo's personality or philosophy. Like she not only is able to describe a certain behavior of his, but she's able to explain the why behind it.

At least part of this is probably that they spend so much time together- Hook even comments on it during her companion quest.

And tbh I don't really think it needs more proof or anything with such a flat out statement like that, but this is actually further supported by the fact that Seele is the only other character in Belobog to sorta-kinda comment on Sampo's personality; if Sampo were hanging around the clinic with Natasha all day, Seele would probably be the person he would see second-most there. Of the dialogues posted further up in this post, Hook obviously sees him all the time, but it's not always in the clinic, and besides she's still very young...she wouldn't have the same read on him an adult would. Luka avoids the clinic whenever he can because he's worried about taking up Natasha's valuable time. And the Landau siblings aren't even present in Boulder Town until after the Stellaron is quieted.

Seele, on the other hand, is extremely loyal and devoted to Natasha, and seems to worry about her a lot. She doesn't have the same reservations as Luka, and it would feel right to see her in the clinic frequently, taking orders and missions and trying to make sure Natasha doesn't run herself in the ground. So it would make sense for her to see a lot of Sampo if he's always in there, too, enough that she would have things to say about his personality, whether she likes that or not haha.

Of course we know from Sampo's lines that it's not that he's sick, he's just reporting back to Natasha. Sampo not only smuggles in supplies across the border like what most people know him for, he's also Natasha's source of intel.

Bringing back intel doesn't necessarily have to involve a lot of conversation though, especially because it would make more sense for Sampo to be turning in written reports. It decreases the chance of Natasha mishearing/misunderstanding something or having to rely on memory alone, neither of which are really things you probably want to be doing when bad intel can mean the difference between life and death in her circumstances. So I do really wonder what it is Sampo does in the clinic all day haha. Given that he's a big believer in the power of small talk bringing in big clients, it's entirely possible Sampo is just in there being chatty, happily making conversation and keeping Natasha company most of the time...which is kinda cute. He also really could just be talking shop, too, of course- Sampo does a lot of work for Natasha, and I don't think it'd be a stretch to assume she's his main client. There's probably a lot to discuss about supply quotas, incoming intel, scheduled drops, etc.

My favorite option, though, is actually based on one of Sampo's options from the main quest, where he says:

Because like! The way he says this, the way he specifies that this is his opinion, but no one seems to care what he thinks? And how he calls them stubborn in particular? It really sounds like Sampo has been trying to get Wildfire to operate in a different direction. And if you look up the exact definition of "artless," you get this

which very much fits Sampo, and how he does things. He has guile and deception down to an art form. Sampo goes on to call Wildfire "do-gooders," but then cautions the trailblazer not to underestimate them because of that- indicating that Sampo sees that type of philosophy as something naive, or at least just ineffective. Something that you would underestimate a person for.

And the person Sampo associates with the most in Wildfire, the one he's always seen with, the one who would hold the most sway to change the modus operandi of the organization is...Natasha.

So I wonder if Sampo has been trying, possibly for years now, to get Natasha to see what he thinks of as reason, and start playing dirty to survive. I wonder if that's what he spends so much time in the clinic for, is because he does care, and he wants her and the rest of them to live, and he has been trying to convince her to go with his way of doing things, but Natasha has been refusing him, refusing to compromise her morals.

Because we know from some readables and from the general Vibe, both up on the surface and down below, that things were getting pretty dire. Rivet Town has fallen. The Silvermane Guards are being whittled down and broken. The Fragmentum was right on everyone's doorstep, and I'm sure that if the Astral Express hadn't arrived- and that if Sampo hadn't set the stage so perfectly, if he hadn't played his part just so- then all of Belobog would have eventually been snuffed out. Sampo had to have known it was happening. He must have known the end was upon them.

He doesn't even have a stake in Belobog- he's not from here. He could, assumingly, call it quits and leave when shit got tough by whatever means got him there in the first place.

And I'm sure Sampo wants to save all of Belobog, but I think he's particularly endeared by Natasha. He famously phrases his view of Elation as "true happiness always entails the manifestation of the dignity of mankind." And like. Who else embodies that so much as her?

Maybe it is a little vague and up to interpretation, but I feel like Natasha is FULL of that kind of dignity. She has been doing this since before the blockade. She willingly chose to stay in the Underground where she could do the most good. She has seen so, so much death and you can see how it weighs on her; she's become bitter, and wary, and weary. She has it out for the Guards (understandable), and she openly taunts Gepard and goes right for his throat when he shows up in Boulder Town, ten years too late, trying to help with the Fragmentum.

Natasha even seems to have given up any belief she may have once had. She's completely lost faith in Qlipoth.

All of this, and yet she still chooses to be kind. She still chooses to help people. There is something immensely admirable in all of that.

And I feel like you can see how much Sampo admires her in just how often he thinks of her, especially when someone needs help. Sampo smokebombs everyone and needs to get them somewhere safe in the Underground? He takes them to Natasha. Svarog is about to fucking kill everyone? Go get Natasha. He finds the trailblazer passed out in an alleyway? He carries them to Natasha. The trailblazer is seeing weird shit out in the Fragmentum? Recommend they go get a check up. Specifically from Natasha.

It's a little silly, but I think you can also see some of this when Sampo is being melodramatic about being caught red-handed in the museum event. He echoes a very important sentiment to Natasha and Wildfire;

And the mission where this ideology was displayed strongest was titled, "To Rot or To Burn."

(Hell, in the dream sequence of Penacony- regardless of whether that dream bubble came from Sampo or Sparkle, it had to be informed by Sampo's tales of Belobog. Sparkle has never been there herself. And the kind trashcan that immediately helps you and sets you on the right path, that tries to rally everyone together, the only one with a name so clearly and obviously taken from someone Sampo knew in Belobog? Is Shatana- an anagram of Natasha. Even from a meta perspective, they have the same VA. No other trashcan there gets that treatment. None.)

I think they have the same goals, and even hold some of the same views. Natasha's are much more obvious, but still. Sampo says this about Belobog's circumstances:

And he says this as though it should be obvious common sense. That when things are rough, you share and make sure everyone has enough. I think they both share this belief, it's just that they disagree on how to go about making things even. Natasha believes in rallying people for the cause and giving as much of herself as she can to make up for whatever people lack. Sampo believes that if some dipshit with more money than what they need falls for his bullshit and he gets to spread it around? Well hey, that sounds like a whole lot of their own fault.

Natasha is definitely aware of this, and she has no problem threatening Sampo whenever she thinks he's stepping out of line.

She keeps him on a very short leash, which like. Yeah no that's valid fjkdlsajfdklj

Even so, the way she talks about him, like... Maybe it's just me, and my rose-colored glasses, but she doesn't seem to dislike him nearly as much as she could? She kind of just. Says these things as statements about him, without any real vitriol behind them. This is just kind of how he is. She even seems to have a sense of humor about it.

And again! She has so much more to say about him than almost any other character.

I'd like to think part of her...affection? of sorts? for him is simple camaraderie. Circumstances are dire. Past, present, and future are all bleak. Things like that deepen bonds with your foxhole buddies. Sampo is dependent on Natasha for work and pay and a place to get away from the Guards. Natasha is dependent on Sampo for food and medicine and life-saving supplies. They both heavily rely on each other in this harsh environment, and they have a really nice back-and-forth that I appreciate with how they help each other out by owing favors as payment.

And the other part, I'd like to think actually IS because she knows him very well- maybe not things like his past, but she knows some of his personality and beliefs, and finds them agreeable enough. She even has the audacity to call him a poor liar at one point- Sampo! Of all people! Known by someone well enough to be caught out as a poor liar! He's either intentionally leading her on and letting her think she's caught him, or Natasha just really is that good. Neither would surprise me tbh

I think Natasha is also just uniquely prepared to understand Sampo, and is able to see his better sides without letting her judgement be clouded by his slimy manner. She's able to appreciate that his actions ARE extremely helpful, regardless of how he does them.

Even as she acknowledges that he isn't always trustworthy, she does still choose to rely on him and give him chances. She was pleasantly surprised by him here, but she still chose to trust him with this in the first place. She never treats him harshly, and she never seems to bear any kind of grudge with him.

But my favorite example of Natasha being able to understand Sampo? My favorite is this. This one little throwaway line, that didn't even involve him, wasn't even about him. I feel like Natasha is capable of knowing and understanding Sampo on a deeper level than most people can, solely because of this.

She gets it.

(As a fun bonus: In the current trashcan event, there's a simple mechanic where you get one trial character for the initial battle. Then, for the harder stage, you get that same trial character, plus a couple of extras. This is true for every Proof- except for Sampo's. In his harder stage, you use Asta, Black Swan, and Luocha. But in his initial stage, in an event all about friendship and relationships...)

[itsabouttimex2]

Hey, OP! I'm just a random anon, but I read your new post and I'd like to tell you something:

You don't need to apologize for having your own opinions and interpretations on a character and being able to analyze and critique them. It's inevitable that someone will feel unsatisfied with your thoughts on a specific character, but then again, it's your own opinion on them, it's your blog and you shouldn't bend and break for someone else's insatisfaction. As much as it is alright for them to not agree with your views on the characters, it's just as alright for you to maintain them — opinions are subjective, and even more so in fictional stories.

If someone sees it as "ridiculous" and thinks you're "hating a character" just for talking about very valid points about such character's personality (because, let's be honest, Macaque is one of the most egregious cases of mischaracterization on the LMK fandom and, by itself, for someone to claim that you "hate him" just by critiquing him as a character and analyzing his faults is an example of the exaggerated idealization towards his character as a whole), then that is their problem alone and they should learn to accept that not everyone will hold the same opinions as them. Not everyone will find that a character's redemption arc was well made or that it felt genuine enough to be considered a redemption in the first place, and that's perfectly okay! To embrace the many views and interpretations a character can have only enriches them; it does not subtract from them.

Lastly, I'm sorry for any errors or misspellings here (English is not my first language) and you don't even have to reply to this ask, but I just want you to know that you shouldn't feel bad for having an opinion that differs from the most well-known on the fandom and whatnot. I, for one, really like reading about the Season Five Prep posts along with your usual writings (the way you write the LMK characters is very on point and very enjoyable and comforting to read), and I'm certain that your other followers do so too.

I really do appreciate everyone’s support here. It means the world to me. I was terrified that I was just being childish over nothing, or that I was massively overreacting and shouldn’t have cared at all. I mean, it’s not like they were saying slurs or making calls to harass me into changing my opinion.

But it still hurt.

I spent two entire days articulating my thoughts and feelings on every villain listed so that I could just share them with the community.

And to have someone admit to just… skimming all that hard work because they disagreed with one of my very first points, and call one of my biggest criticisms “ridiculous”? To say that I didn’t sympathize with the show’s time constraints? To say that I cared more about my own feelings than those of the writers?

It hurt.

If you disagree with me, I encourage you to explicitly say so on my “Prep” posts, which were hosted on both Tumblr and Reddit so I could get as many opinions on those pieces as possible. I’ve enjoyed seeing why people enjoy Macaque’s character arc. I’ve had lovely, civil debates. Some people think “helping out” is enough of a redemption.

That’s fine! You can feel that way! It’s totally valid! It is one-hundred percent valid to disagree with me!

But I also started that tier list with an entire paragraph dedicated to my feelings on redemption, and what I personally thought a character had to do to be “redeemed”.

My finishing paragraph was italicized and bolded in full, so that it was impossible to miss. That entire paragraph was dedicated to validating and acknowledging the contrasting opinions I knew people would have- because I know my opinions are not the end-all, be-all of the fandom.

And if someone (self-admittedly) skimmed all of that and took it as me “hating Macaque” or “being unsympathetic towards the show”? and has their rebloggers openly saying they’ve “always had a problem with that piece of content” or calling me “salty”?

I’m not going to blame myself.

Again- thank you all. ❤️

[caliumcyanide]

"Why is it that everyone who has a supernatural ability has a twisted heart to go with it?.."

A haphazardly put together and incomplete Analysis of Dazai and Mori's differences and similarities in relation to their peculiar obsessions.

So, I recently stumbled across Taxidermia, (a 2006 Hungarian surrealist horror movie) and since everything else occupying the RAM in my brain is BSD right now, I subconsciously and later, consciously related the two together.

At this point we're all aware of the themes such as "cycle of abuse" and "the chain of salvation" that are present throughout the whole of BSD. The story isn't a horror, and is not meant so much as a warning, but a conversation with the reader/viewer. Then how can this film possibly relate to any of this? Well...

“By the way, who’s the person you said I reminded you of?” he asked.

Mori smiled faintly. Then with a hint of melancholy in his expression, he gave his answer:

...

So, in this movie, the story is told by means of three generations of Hungarian men; 3 characters with one specific trait, quirk, obsession, if you will. In simple terms: one is a pervert, the other is a speed-eater, and the third one is a dedicated to his craft taxidermist. I guess, by now, you see where this is going, right?

Now, I'd argue the situation relayed in BSD is quite ambiguous. What is a skill? What does it truly represent? (I wanted to look into the play with Tokio Murakami in the UO to figure this out, but maybe later) There's seems to be no definitive answer to this, but as always, there is an ongoing subtextual debate on the nature of human beings (not just the skill users, because even if they are their own category they still belong to the human race, don't they?) the formation and evolution of their identity throughout the years, what influences them to act a certain way, all to ask a bunch of simple questions: "Is there a correct, right way to live your life?", "If nothing I do can change the past, then should I be defined by said past?", "Why is it that everyone who has a supernatural ability has a twisted heart to go with it?", ad infinitum. That last one, eh? It's introducing a sort of deterministic element to the nature of the ability users. Which is curious, to say the least.

Now, back to Dazai and Mori's exchange. Right out of the gate it could be argued that Mori, in spite of his claim, is admitting to both Dazai and us, the audience, that he doesn't, in fact truly grasp what this teenager's dysthymia was born from.

“Dazai,” Mori began while still pondering that question. “I may not be able to comprehend your answer, but I nonetheless want to know: Why do you want to die?”

Especially when we trace their relationship to the Dark Era, where he might've used his general understanding of the human nature to force Dazai out of the Mafia, because he knew of his connection to Odasaku, but the way he argued with Dazai, the way the latter had a hard time articulating his irrational feelings and justifying them as beneficial to the Mafia (we all know how concerned Mori is with being rational.) made me question whether Mori ever understood Dazai even just a little bit.

“It’s a win-win situation. So why are you so angry?"

Dazai didn’t say a word. That was just about the first time he’d ever been unable to articulate his feelings.

“I…”

—“There is nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.”

—“Awaken me from this oxidizing world of a dream.”

“I just…” His voice came out strained. “I just don’t get it.”

Don't worry, Dazai, I don't think Mori gets it either.

“I have just one thing I’d like to ask: What’s wrong with that?” “……”

“My answer is the same, Dazai. I will do anything for the benefit of the organization. Besides, we are the Port Mafia. We have always brought darkness, violence and cruelty to this city. “Why is that a problem now?”

Dazai knew. He knew Ougai’s calculations, his mentality, and the rationale behind the plan. That was just the kind of organization the Port Mafia was. Logically speaking, Ougai was right, and Dazai was wrong. “But…” He turned on his heel, then began walking toward the door.”

Did Mori's plan succeed? Yes.

Did he correctly predict Dazai's actions? That's right.

Did he come to understand Dazai after having him as a subordinate for all these years? No. Not one bit. Because, there is this fascinating thing about humans, where they fear what they can't comprehend. Why again did Mori want Dazai out of the Mafia so badly?

"You were afraid of me, weren't you? Afraid that I would aspire to take your position, that one day, I'd run a knife across your throat. Just like you did to your predecessor."

Then, once again, why the comparison?

Well, there's always a possibility of him just lying to Dazai plain and simple, though I can explain why it can be easily discarded as "not worth the effort". Mori doesn't need to lie to get Dazai to do things for him, he doesn't even need to be particularly discreet about it, like this example from Storm bringer:

“My reasoning is extremely simple.” Mori smiled. “If that monster kills you, nobody will be able to save Chuuya, and he will die as well. In other words, you will finally get the death you have always yearned for but with Chuuya by your side.”

A full ten seconds of silence went by until Dazai broke it.

“Hwaaah.”

“Was that a yawn I just heard?”

“Look, I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not gonna work. You can’t manipulate me. Good-bye.”

The radio then cut off. Mori held his radio with a faint smirk.”

Hehe, the infamous double suicide argument.

Mori seems to have a general grasp at how Dazai works, but that doesn't seem to be enough. Because there's this:

"No single word or phrase could accurately describe their relationship. The closest approximation would be bound by a common destiny."

And this:

"And yet no one trusted him. Because the darkness lurking within his eyes was deeper than the ink black nights that hung over the dumping ground he inhabited."

And this:

"Miscalculation.

"You misjudged the situation." He told himself. You failed to pick the optimal solution. You shouldn't have chosen this child to help you. Dazai is unpredictable. He can be sharp, but in a dark, twisted way. He's observant. He's cold and calculating with no equivalent even in the Mafia, where the most evil reside."

Honestly, the mention of "darkness" in various descriptions of Dazai by different characters deserves its own fully-fledged analysis. Even if all my examples would consist of excerpts from Oda's internal monologue, it'd still be a treasure trove of information and food for thought.

Back to Mori. I believe this "I'm just like you" moment serves a bunch of purposes all at once. "If you are like me, and I am the head of the Port Mafia, then, by extension, this is the only place that can give you purpose too, because this is where individuals like us thrive." It makes so much more sense to follow somebody else's example, if they really are as similar to you as they claim, and if they truly did find what Dazai is desperately searching for.

The other purpose it might serve can look a bit more sinister: "There is darkness in you, there is something very wrong with you and what I can help you do is put it to good use. I know, because I was the same. I can help you use it for the greater good."

What's funny about BSD is that it's not just that there is the lack of transparently defined right and wrong, (which I believe should be a standard in any media, because otherwise art is reduced to nothing but a slightly subtler version of propaganda) but the lack of a clear winner in these types of existential mental confrontations. Dazai did fail to pick up on Mori's real motives behind the Mimic incident in time, yet his observation of Ougai's lingering fear and paranoia towards him is pretty spot on. Mori did succeed in many aspects of using Dazai as a tool and even going so far as to conduct a plan to dispose of him properly, yet he remains as apprehensive of Dazai as he was from the beginning. To this day, he is still able to predict Dazai's actions, but because of what Mori defines as: "common destiny", "flashes of brilliance" and the "bizarre, meaningless fascination with suicide", he most of the time fails to see him an an autonomous individual, capable of having a purpose different from Mori's own.

Ultimately, does any of it even matter? I'm sure Mori would have been fascinated to know why is Dazai the way he is, just like he would inquire Oda about his guns in the future, but not then, because what he wanted from Dazai when he was in the Mafia is to be a polished diamond scalpel he can use for combating anything threatening the organization. And scalpels aren't known to possess any free will. It didn't matter at all what Dazai went through to reach this point, but what was important from Mori's point of view is that they do, in fact, have similar "steel trap" minds as well as certain obsessions.

"bizarre, meaningless fascination with suicide"

"Are you still lusting after little girls?"

...has a twisted heart to go with it...

I'd argue what Mori expresses here can be described as a very flawed form of cognitive empathy. It isn't full comprehension, by all means, which is why other people in their analyses usually point out the harm it can bring to project onto someone to such a degree, without acknowledging the possibility of even a single difference between the two of you, to force them to be a carbon copy of you for the sake of nothing but blind self-indulgence.

What, in my opinion is a first clear symptom of Mori's pathological misconception... is using the word "meaningless" to describe Dazai's supposed obsession with suicide. For someone of such caliber to be fooled by Dazai's facade so easily is a crazy feat to accomplish. Congratulations on your incomprehensibility once again, Dazai!

Like I mentioned before, BSD takes a more ambiguous approach to all of its themes, characters, et cetera, so it's definitely curious that Odasaku's quiet emotional empathy (as opposed to cognitive, which Oda also expresses, but much later, as a means of deepening his understanding) is, in fact, what reaches him, and in contrast to the narration or Mori's words, Oda doesn't describe him as the "darkness itself", but akin to a person, suffering from a chronic illness.

"I could see a thorn the size of a harpoon wedged deeply into his life."

A child who is surrounded by the darkness and hurt by it, even seemingly bleeds it, yet remains at his core a lonely, abandoned, sobbing child.

“He was too smart for his own good. That was why he was always alone. The reason why Ango and I were able to be by his side was that we understood the solitude that surrounded him, and we never stepped inside it no matter how close we stood.”

Speaking of contradictions and complexity:

“Ougai stared at the scattered reports on his desk. The organization had received an item of great value, something that more than made up for the total pecuniary damage and loss of talented subordinates. That included Dazai’s disappearance as well. Logically speaking, the results couldn’t have been better. Everything was going according to plan.

Ougai folded the document into a misshapen paper airplane. Then, with his chin still resting on his hand, he threw it. The deformed plane almost immediately crashed into the floor.

“Things sure are going to get boring around here…”

First and foremost, was that plane some sort of Guild-related foreshadowing? (that scene with Dazai's brainstorming session with Ranpo came to mind.) I shouldn't be too surprised though. I guess he didn't think Dazai would get involved, because with the only kind of leverage Mori had - gone, the former mafia executive just disappeared into thin air overnight. Little did he know...

What was that, Mori? You've won, you've driven him out of the Mafia for good, then why are you still unsatisfied?

Oh, GOD How I love the Dark era.

How I love Beast AU.

Ok, fine, I admit it. I love everything that comes out of Asagiri's head. I want to pick his brain, dissect it, put it back together and eat it with some soy sau-

...

To be entirely honest, I haven't even watched "Taxidermia" to the end. So, I don't think any of these tidbits of comparison should qualify as a correct interpretation of the themes or the overall message of the movie. What I've seen just sort of inspired me to feed some of the ideas I had to a vast collection of BSD analyses stashed in my notes.

Someday, I really should find patience to organize and post those.

...

Oh, now I remember! Why I wanted to write something related to both Dazai and the embalmer character from the movie.

It's that... (spoilers)

I was just wondering what would Dazai think of this character's method of suicide? There's anesthesia involved, so it's certainly painless, though arguably not "clean" and "beautiful" the way he would have wanted.

What a weird note to end an essay on, huh. Oh, well. I guess the one who had the twisted heart was me all along, eh?

[avelera]

On Language in "Giving Sanctuary" - Behind the Scenes

I've been considering articulating these thoughts for a bit, but figured I might as well now. Language use is one of those things I think the writer worries about 10x more than any reader ever does, but I wanted to explain for my own sake why the way Hob, Dream and the other speaking characters of "Giving Sanctuary" communicate is for the most part entirely modern and largely out of step with the way people spoke in the 1680s. Because I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and justifying it to the invisible reader in my head that's just as hung up on history as I am, which is a vanishingly smaller percentage of actual readers.

There are a few reasons for this:

1 ) The Sandman show does not have Hob and Dream speaking Middle English in 1389, so I feel pretty much at liberty to have them speak as modernly in "Giving Sanctuary" as they do in the actual source material. That really should be the end of the discussion but I have a few more thoughts. (Because of course I do.)

2 ) Historical fiction really is as fantastical rather than realistic (plus reliant on worldbuilding) as any fantasy or sci-fi story. Almost no one is ever doing a perfect recreation of a historical time period they didn't experience. We are always as writers worldbuilding to a certain extend when writing any experience, but in particular when writing other time periods. There is a constant tug-o-war between "Old-timey enough to evoke the sense of the time period presented" and "Not so accurately old-timey that modern audiences are completely disconnected from the story." I want to grant the pleasures of reading a story set in another time, while acknowledging that there's a reason that reading centuries old stories without any update or translation is hard and not always fun, and my story would be the same if I went for perfect accuracy.

Frankly, the vocabulary, morals, concerns, humor, and slang of a perfectly photo-realistic representation of the 1680s would be very nearly impenetrable, in my opinion, if it were represented accurately. We'd feel completely disconnected from the story or at most, have passing glimpses of relatability while wading through the language of a distant time period. I wanted the story to feel immediate, so I wanted to mostly use the language of today, the way the show does, and for probably the same reason.

3 ) I just don't want to do all that fucking research. Dear lord. Short of digging my way through Paradise Lost and a bunch of other literature from the time, there was no way I was going to be able to fluently represent the language of the 1600s and even if I did the language of literature still wouldn't be perfectly accurate. It would just be more "evoking" and a lot more of me stressing out for something most people wouldn't care about and that might actually make the story less enjoyable for a wide audience.

4 ) That said there were a few places where I tried to evoke that we're in a different time period, using some stock historical fiction tropes which are probably of dubious accuracy if I actually dug into 1600s literature. Things like dropping contractions, or throwing in the occasional archaism, formal language, or old-timey swear word.

In the name of perfect accuracy, may of these "old timey" things aren't accurate for the time either if one were to dig into the fact that say, Hob would probably be much more careful about using curse words that involve saying the Lord's name in vain, that sort of thing. But that was just one more thing I did not want to worry about, because it takes a lot of effort for very little return, in my opinion, and writing is hard enough as it is. These are the sort of concerns that keeps historical fiction writers from actually writing their story a lot of the time, because they go down the research rabbit hole and end up with a PhD but no historical fiction novel to speak of. (If this story was being written for publication, I'd probably still write this all the same way, then just go to a scholar of the time period and ask them to help me alter certain lines to be more accurate, but I'm not publishing this, so I won't lol.)

5 ) Now, as one last for-fun character note about the use of language, one might notice if they pay close attention that Hob's level of formality and modern language shifts in the fic. In my own mind, that has to do with his comfort levels. At the beginning of the story, he's much more formal, especially with Dream, and especially when he's nervous around Dream (in ch. 4 when talking about holding hands, he gets perhaps the most formal we ever see him because he is very nervous and starts talking too much and getting very archaic and loses track of his point as a result).

As the story has progressed, though, Hob has grown more comfortable around Dream and more comfortable speaking frankly with Dream. As a result, his language has grown much more modern, using contractions and a more casual tone.

6 ) As a final note, there is a conceit in the story that you, the reader, are not hearing things as they are actually being said. In theory if we were to time machine back to when the story is taking place, the way Dream and Hob talk would be very different. There is an idea inherent that the narrator is modernizing the language for the modern viewer. Everything that's being said is being accurately represented as far as spirit and tone, but the literal word choice has been altered for viewers like you :)

[nose-bl]

one of my favourite things about Benjamin (2018) is that the protagonist is so obviously autistic and somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. while i don't think he was intended to be autistic and aro, he still is heavily coded for both. the movie touches on his fear of love and "inability to love", as benjamin himself puts it. he struggles with love, the meaning of love, what love feels like or is supposed to feel like. he's only had failed relationships and he just can't express his feelings, he doesn't know what he's feeling. and i just read the whole thing as him being greyromantic

i see benjamin as someone who feels very little to no romantic attraction, and when he does, it's under specific circumstances. in the film he meets noah and he is immediatly in awe of this man, but he still struggles with romance and love in that relationship too. and it's a whole journey for him to be able to understand his feelings and actually feel something. it's hard for him to admit he loves someone, and part of it is because loving is scary, but i also highly suspect it's because for the most part he really just doesn't love people romantically, he barely feels that, and only under certain conditions

and it's interesting to compare to the sexual attraction he very clearly feels. he is physically attracted to people, he can easily have sex and enjoy it, he sees noah and is like "oh wow. that french guy singing over there is beautiful and hot". it's the romantic aspect he struggles with

i've never seen anything like this before and it's honestly so refreshing. even tho benjaming isn't explictly described as aromantic or anything, it's so easy to read him that way and i love it

i'm gonna quickly touch on why he's so heavily autistic coded. the way he navigates the world so differently from the rest of the characters, the way he speaks, the way he just doesn't stop talking because he doesn't understand how to have a conversation, the fact he's the most socially awkward person ever, all the random things he says to try to get somewhere in a conversation, and the way he struggles with social cues and what "normal" conversations and situations and relationships look like. the way he tells stephen "you're not allowed to touch me. don't touch me". all the problems he has with articulating his thoughts and explaining himself. how distracted and confused he is all the time. it all screams autism to me

benjamin is an autistic greyromantic gay man and no one can convince me otherwise

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

Haha, yeah, uh... asks can get... really long 😅. I'm glad you read all that, though! I was a bit nervous, lol.

I would genuinely LOVE TO see the art piece you described, and I totally understand that being something that's been on your mind for a while with no proper way to execute it.

Also honestly? I will definitely admit that I'm a Kokichi sympathizer, but even I cringe seeing how he behaved in Ch4. So you're totally fair in being blunt about that! I think one of the most important things about reading Kokichi is chapter 4 is acknowledging that he could be justifiably terrified of his situation and hurt watching Gonta not remember anything AND STILL say and do things that are hard to if not impossible to sympathize with. He wasn't just an evil mastermind manipulating Gonta and hurting people for funnies, but he was not a blameless victim of circumstance. His and Gonta's roles are so tightly woven together and so insanely complex, and Kokichi did a LOT of things wrong.

But you're so right about there being a sort of fun in picking apart chapter 4 for everything that it is! It's a painful chapter, but it's just so interesting and nuanced. I could write a whole other long response about it and probably dozens more there's just so much to talk about! (And if you ever want someone new to chat with about ch4, and are comfortable with it, I would enjoy talking with you more about it.)

Thanks for listening to me ramble haha.

Yeah, you can imagine me being a Gonta diehard since ch2 painted my view of ch4 in a certain way, and then I had to stew on it for months without playing ch5 due to life circumstances. But my whole world got flipped upside down a second time when I saw how Kokichi acted in ch5. He's such a complex character and I adore that about him. I love the intense emotions he's able to invoke in me (both negative and positive ones!!)

I have a clear image of Kokichi in my head as part of my interpretation of ch4 that I've tried and struggled to articulate clearly. But to me, part of his "leader" talent involved him deeply repressing his personal feelings on the situation in order to lead/manipulate everyone into a position he thought would get as many out alive as possible. Which did involve sacrificing a few pawns, which probably did tear him up inside (considering his motive video). but also... good intentions aren't everything, and he did do things that hurt a lot of the other characters. But thats WHY he's a cool character. He's fascinating because he's not a straightfoward supervillain or a victim of circumstance (like you said) and I love love love this part of his character so much.

I super appreciate the offer!! Sometimes I get stuck in my head about ch4 but don't want to post about it because I struggle to be eloquent on my own, I'd love to talk to you more about ch4 sometime qwq

[open-hearth-rpg]

Approaches & States: Great RPG Mechanics #RPGMechanics: Week Two

All characteristics, stats, and attributes for characters are abstractions. They’re a bundle of ideas to which we assign some kind of rating. But for the most part we have the sense of the “reality” of these stats. Strength means strength: lifting, climbing, applying force. We can imagine the concrete effect of it in the world. We can picture as well a Dexterous person: moving quickly, keeping their balance, adept at sleight of hand. Even the more abstract classics like Wisdom have a set of aspects in the game reality linked to them, like being able to suss out the truth, judging character accurately, understanding esoteric concepts.

Many games give us a description of what the characteristics mean, but our real understanding comes from where they’re used. We see which skills rolls or moves are linked to which attributes. Maybe we have a little fudge room to decide, especially for something like Mutant System or 2d20 where you add a stat to a skill value. Maybe a player argues that this grapple check is more about finesse than power. That’s a common negotiation– and once we’ve opened that door, it leads to some other ideas.

Fate Accelerated may not be the first place where I saw something like Approaches, but it's the game which made the idea stick for me. In FA when you go to do something, you say how you’re doing it: what it looks like, what makes this cool. Are you doing it Carefully? Cleverly? In a Flashy way? Forcefully? Quickly? Sneakily? The mode you choose colors the action and expresses character. Your relative strength in these approaches also says a lot about who you are. This builds in a question often glossed over when folks say “I swing again” and roll. That question is: how are you doing that?

This move to approaches has design implications: de-coupling particular actions from particular stats. Some players have a hard time when there aren’t guidelines about what to invest their stat points in. On the designer’s side, it takes out some easy feats and modifiers, like being able to use X stat in place of Y when doing Z.

Fraser Simon’s use of States in The Veil, builds on the approaches concept. It’s one of my favorite PbtA games. Here, rather than conventional attributes, you have emotions: Mad & Peace; Sad & Joy; Fear & Power. When you go to do an action, you say which one dominates. You have room to decide if that describes the feeling you're pushing against, the one driving you forward, or some other interaction. It uses a version of the feeling wheel to help players articulate their character’s state in that moment.

Part of the point of The Veil is to explore the emotional side of cyberpunk stories, and this mechanics continually pushes you to consider that. It also has a nifty mechanical answer to the question “why wouldn’t I always roll with my best stat?”. Every time you roll a particular state you mark a check box for it. When you mark the 5th box in a state, you spike it out. That pushes you further into that emotion at a penalty until you act to reset yourself. You can manage that in play– each emotion has a paired emotion and when you put a mark on one side (say Peace) then you remove a mark from the other side (Mad). In play, once folks get used to the rhythm, it is dynamite.

And if you’ve played Hearts of Wulin, you’ll see where I got the idea for using Elements, associated with certain feelings and aspects, for stats. I have a couple of innovations there, but my favorite is that harm locks certain elements, meaning you can’t roll with that element until someone helps you or you have a montage to clear yourself.

I’ve come to really love this approach. It does have a small cost in time and cognitive load. You always have a moment of consideration before you roll. But having done it enough I feel weirdly straitjacketed sometimes when I hit a game with a very locked down characteristic-to-specific action system.

[sapphire-weapon]

Trust me, I understand graphical limitations on the old playstation and all that (been gaming since 1988). But it's still how the area is presented to us.

Ok, so they didn't share desks... so that would mean BRAVO team didn't use this area at all and Rebecca only got the desk after Joseph Frost died and only used it in that short amount of time when they were still trying to convince Irons to do something.

Using a different version of the room to prove a point, even if that's how they might have "intended" it to look, just... idk... It's like, "They didn't intend for this character to act like that in this timeline because they changed it 20 years later in a different timeline". Sorry, I'm not always good with English and find it hard to articulate my thoughts.

I still agree with you about Rebecca... I just think the example you used was wrong.

If Bravo team didn't use the space, then why would Rebecca even be set up there at all? There's no indication that Rebecca got moved from Bravo to Alpha in the time between RE1 and RE2 -- or, even that the two teams got merged due to most of everyone being. you know. dead.

Like, it would make sense if that happened -- but there's nothing in the games that states or even implies that it did.

The most we really get in terms of a look into the STARS dynamic post-RE1 is Jill's diary in RE3 -- and the only thing she talks about in there is how Chris purposefully got himself suspended so that he could go to Europe to go hit the Umbrella lab out there.

I just don't think that it's that deep, man. I think it's literally just that the RE2 devs only had a certain amount of space they could use, so they dedicated the desks they were able to put in the room to characters that players would easily recognize from RE1.

There are some concessions that just have to be made in order to account for the technology that was available to the team at the time. We're talking about visual representations of an environment (or character, in terms of the Carlos example), not plot beats. It's not the same as changing the character writing. Writing is writing and has nothing to do with hardware limitations. That's the difference.

[sh1-n0bu]

♡︎ 𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙙𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙖 𝙙𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙤𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙖𝙩𝙤𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙩2 ♡︎

characters: sub!dragons x nb!dom!reader

warnings: finger in vent again so vent fingering, established relationship, monster anatomy, clothes and undergarment stealing, clothes sniffing, the dragons are being a bit more feral, pillow humping, praise, pleading, thigh riding, guided vent fingering, squirting, nipple stimulation, bullet vibrator usage, mind break, fluff, needy dragon boys hehehehhehe

notes: due to popular demand, here is part 2 of dragons getting fucked dumb(●’◡’●)ﾉ im sorry if it took a while. i was having some health issues(;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`) part 1 can be read here!! part 3 is here! gradient divider from @/benkeibear

word count: 4.9k

ever since you helped out your large lizard lover with his heat, there’s only been one thing on his mind since then. your finger in his vent. the soft coos of your praises, the way you pushed his legs open to fuck him dumber, the way you nudged his hands off of his face so you could see his cute face twist and turn in pleasure as you fuck his hole.

“oh, for fuck’s sake! i need to get them out of my head” the dragon huffs aloud out of a sudden, hunching over his desk at his usual office as he hides the flush of his cheeks behind his hands. already a week has passed since the ending of his heat cycle and yet he was acting like he was still under the influence of his stupid dragon anatomy. he couldn’t even stop thinking about you and your fingers spreading him open while he cried dumbly on the bed, back arching and chasing after your fingers like a whore.

it was after his heat ended and finally able to at least articulate proper sentences that wasn’t about wanting you to wreck him, that the two of you have talked over and decided that perhaps it was time to make your relationship official. how long have the two of you been dancing around each other, making everyone roll their eyes at the way you two flirted with each other like some dumb teenagers? enough to the point people started making bets. enough that a half of the city had become 50 bucks richer and the other half poorer.

despite having already gotten into an established relationship with you, the poor dragon still felt shameful over some of his actions. such as stealing your clothes whenever you come over to his house to stay the night and lying to your face about not knowing where it was. you two were still basically in the baby stages of being an official couple which was why you needed some time to fully move your things into his house and to start living together. it takes time to settle y’know?

so it was definitely weird when some of your clothes started to disappear. the shirt that you usually wear when at the comfort of your or his home. the large, oversized sweater of yours that you have given the nickname of “the ugly one”. and strangely, you even had a hard time finding a certain undergarment amongst the mess of your home and the boxes of things that you packed up, preparing to move. strange. and even more strange, your overgrown lizard lover says he hasn’t seen them in his own home either. you genuinely started to question your own memory.

in the meantime you were busy creating a storm in your home trying to triple check this week about your missing clothes, your boyfriend was having a hard time in his office. no matter how hard he tried to focus on the paperwork stacked in front of his damn face, he just couldn’t.

instead, his mind just kept drifting back to the memory of you helping him during his heat cycle. the praises that constantly fell on his ears as his toes curled, clawed hands scrambling to grasp for something to clutch onto because he was sure that he ascended when your finger fucked the small opening of his vent. and that lewd squelching noises of his slick dripping down from his vent. an oddly sickeningly sweet smelling scent coming from him as if trying to woo you, trails of his juice dripping from his vent down to his fluttering hole to the bed.

he was fucked dumb during those days and by the stars, he wanted it again. he wanted your hand fisting at his cocks, eagerly tugging on them as your finger abuses the squishy spot inside him. he wanted to sob and wail deliriously, bucking his hips, torn between wanting to chase after the pleasure or tearing himself away to save what leftover pride he had, as he begs for mercy. he wanted it. at this rate, if he kept thinking back on that moment, he might as well try to force his body into another heat cycle so soon.

shaking the imagery out of his head, the dragon clears his throat. looking around his office to see if anyone is around — to his luck, no one was — before breathing out a heavy huff. he might as well try to at least do his work during work time.

“maybe that chipmunk’s affinity to skip work is rubbing off on me…”

perhaps even more had rubbed off on him. none which was a good thing.

“i’m sorry… i’m sorry i’m sorry ‘m sorry, [name]…” the dragon whines pathetically, wearing the oversized sweater he stole from you and nothing else. he just couldn’t get that memory out of his head. every time he tried, something small and insignificant would just remind him of it again. unable to keep up with trying to seem all professional, he rushed home straight after work — perhaps even earlier than the hours he gets out of his office — locking himself in his bedroom with a pillow between his thighs, wearing your sweater with your stolen undergarments to his face.

despite having already been fucked shamelessly just ten or so days ago, it still felt wrong to think of you in such a lewd way. in such a defiling way. in a way that it served as a huge disservice to who you really are.

“mmnngh—! [naamee]… m-miss you… missing you so bad…” the dragon whines, completely pent up as his slick continues to drip onto the pillow between his thighs, the outer scales of his vent already puffy and open slightly, weeping his mouthwatering juice. the poor thing was pathetic, trying to recreate the way you wrecked him so good. fingers messily rubbing and flicking against his vent opening as a means to mimic the way you ate him out the other day. spreading his slick around, making a stretching motion with his two fingers on the sides of his vent, flicking the small nub on top. it didn’t help. if anything, it only made it worse.

the dragon was trying to help himself out, to relieve himself off of his pain of unknowingly edging himself for the past few days. without you by his side to help him out or to hear his pleas. without you by his side to fuck him so good again. palming himself with a pathetic whimper, the dragon thinks about slipping a finger inside his vent the same way you did. but could he do it? probably not. he was just too damn of a coward, and there was the looming possibility of losing control of himself and letting his claws grow.

unable to do it in the end, he settles on merely stroking his cock. hand wrapped tightly around his weeping dick, your stolen undergarments wrapped around one of his cocks as he mewls, bucking his hips into the tight space of his closed fist. it was nowhere near to how it felt when you did it. perhaps at the time, it was his heat pheromones working but it felt good. your hand wrapped around his cock as your other hand fingers his vent opening. your hand felt so much better.

biting down on his lips, he cums into his hand, soiling your stolen undergarments as well in the process just the moment he thought back on the feeling. pouting, the dragon’s tail flicks in annoyance behind him, looking over at the clock hanging on the wall.

12:36. were you awake right now? you did indeed had tendency to stay awake a bit too late on some nights…

knock knock knock!

the soft yet annoyingly persistent knocks on your door slowly rouses you from your sleep, making you roll around in the comfort of your bed in a silent declaration of war against the knocking. acting stubborn, clinging onto the cozy warmth of your bed, you groan as a string of curses falls from your lips as you involuntarily drag yourself out of bed. whoever that was outside your door in this ungodly hour shall face your wrath like sun wukong did with buddha.

pitter pattering to the door — where the knocking has become more persistent — you swing the door open, ready to curse the person and their 109 bloodlines before shutting up. standing in front of you with his tail and horns out in the open, slitted eyes glowing slightly, was your dragon lover. strange. he never visits this late.

“dear? wha— what happened? is everything alright? it’s—“ you take a moment to steal a glance towards the clock hanging on the living room wall before turning to face him again, “—nearly 2am” you finish, concern growing more and more when his tail comes to curl around his own ankle. a clear sign that he was feeling anxious or uncomfortable.

“can i… come in? i wanted to see you” the dragon asks in a meek voice, a strange habit that you found concerning and heartbreaking to see since your lover was usually one who is calm and collected at all times. nodding, you usher him inside before locking the door behind you.

quietly, you follow him as your lover makes a straight beeline into your bedroom, making himself comfortable on the edge of your bed as a pink flush starts to grow on his cute cheeks. you were about to ask him if he wanted something to eat or drink but perhaps not as the needy dragon was now staring at you as his tail swishes behind him, impatient. tails expressed emotions after all.

yawning, you move to sit beside him on the bed, to which you accept his hug when you finally settle down. his arms cones to wrap around your middle, tail now calming down from the earlier fussy movement as it curls around your calf possessively. humming, you run a hand through his hair, lightly scratching at his scalp.

the dragon loved it whenever you read him like he was an open book. to others, he was a stone wall, one that was made out of ancient scribbles and unintelligible runes. a warrior forged by blood and scent of death, one who was born and made by the cries of war and blind devotion from others. but to you, he was just a fellow being. one who was lonely from the many centuries he had spent, all by himself. struggling with the many different cultures of life, trying his best to learn and understand the human customs so he could properly court you in human traditions.

you two stay like that for some time. nestled against one another, just basking in the comfort of the peaceful life that you two found between yourselves.

“[name]…” the dragon whimpers from the crook of your neck, soft rumbling purrs mixing with his whining of your name. it was enough to snap you out of your sleepy state, making you hum as you acknowledge his call. he got your attention now. but the main point of hesitancy was — could he do it? could he be so shameful as to not only disturb your night of peace but to also be selfish to want you to pleasure him the same way you did a few days ago?

hearing the familiar noise of his tail hitting the bed constantly in a sense of irritation, you coo his name softly. one hand messing with the long strands of his hair while the other runs through his scalp.

“what’s on your mind now, my pretty?” you ask, taking a look at his face when it comes out of its hiding place in the crook of your neck. he seemed to be conflicted. brows furrowed, slitted eyes glowing slightly in the dark room while his lips tug in a small pout. laughing at the oddly adorable expression, you kiss his brows and pouty lips, making his purrs become louder. such a needy dragon.

“i’ve… been thinking,” the dragon starts after a while, taking his time to try and articulate his request and to convey his feelings that has been bothering him lately. a lot more than he initially thought they would.

“about how you helped me while i was in heat” he takes a moment, watching your expression closely to see if you caught the gist of what he was trying to say. you did, of course you did, you were a smart human after all. his smart human.

“and i was wondering if you could do it again…?” he finally manages to bring himself to ask, peering up at you through his lashes bashfully. how could you ever say no to such a face? such an ethereal and cute begging face alongside the promise of seeing his expression twist into one of someone who’s just fucked stupid. the cute face of your dragon lover drooling and sobbing fat tears while his heart shaped pupils stare at you in a silent plea for more. that face haunted your mind for too damn long, causing unnecessary moments of dozing off while remembering about the moment you slipped your finger inside, making your already horrible work ethnic drop to below ground level.

“sure. i wouldn’t mind it, pretty” you hum, any ounce of sleep leaving your body as you move to a more comfortable position on the bed. pushing yourself to lean against the headboard of the bed, you watch as your draconic lover takes his place on your lap. clawed hands coming to fist at the material of your pajama shirt, whining your name as he pushes himself flush against your chest. you could feel the mounds of his chest pressing against your own, his tail swishing behind him as he arches his back. your lips is pulled against his own, a small peck easily turning into a heated, messy make out. his forked tongue shyly licking at your lips, purring contently as his long tongue slithers inside you, exploring every nook and cranny needily.

you could feel his hips humping your thigh, the wetness of his vent weeping his precum already starting to stain his pajama pants and seeping into your own. you could tell he was too aroused, dumbly chasing after any ounce of pleasure there could be. you could feel the way your mixed saliva dripped down from your sloppy open mouthed kisses, his hands guiding yours to rest on his hips. a position you used to your advantage as your hands traveled downwards to knead his ass, squeezing the soft fat as he whimpers into the kiss.

the poor thing was so pent up, humping your thighs didn’t felt enough. it wasn’t enough to get him to that familiar feeling of high, that exhilarating feeling of feeling your fingers stretch his vent open while he could only keen like a whore.

“want it… want it so bad…” he mumbles into the kiss, guiding your hands to the hem of his pajama pants, tugging on them fervently to get the clothes off. you simply chuckle, finding his desperation adorable in more ways than one before finally relenting and slipping off his pants before he let out an annoyed hiss, pulling away from the sloppy make out session to tear off his underwear with his claws.

“darling! why would you rip it off?” you ask, amused by his eagerness but also slightly concerned for the way he just easily ripped off his clothes like that. you have never seen him get even the tiniest bit ticked off after all, so this was a new side of him that you were seeing.

“wanted more” he only huffs, demanding more kisses as he returns to shove his forked tongue down your throat. the length of his tongue got you groaning and panting, finding it harder to breathe as he becomes more needy with every kiss, with every sloppy slurp of your tongue against his own.

“mmnhp—! [nameee]♡︎” he let out a yelp, pulling away from the kiss to whine out your name as he felt your fingers knead his vent open. the poor dragon whined, huffing and puffing about how you were being so mean to him as he humps your thigh, the tips of his cocks slowly emerging from the scaled vent, both of his cocks weeping pre all over your clothes as his vent drips with his own arousal.

shifting him around, you let him lean his back onto your chest, hands hooking under his legs to spread them open. your dragon let out a little hiss, talking about how you weren’t paying attention to him. you simply shush his hissy fit with a chuckle, placing a kiss on his forehead. taking his hand, you tell him to withdraw his claws. an action he does with confusion before he let out a whimper when you guide his hand to his vent.

“b-but… i-i don’t think i can do it. i’m nervous!” he says in a panicked tone, turning his head to stare at you with cute pouty lips and wide eyes.

“yes, you can. i’ll guide you through it all, okay? it’ll feel good, promise darling” you say, peppering his face in kisses to soothe his worries. the dragon preens at that, his purrs getting louder as his tail whacks the mattress of your bed impatiently. once you get the hint that he was ready and he was okay with continuing, you guide his fingers to tease the edges of his vent. fingers rubbing the soft scales, making a spreading motion to ease the muscles there.

just some foreplay and he was already panting, legs twitching to close them. he was so cute.

“that’s it pretty, now keep your legs open for me” you continue to praise him through it all, your other hand leaving his leg to slip underneath his shirt. squeezing his chest, rubbing your thumb over his areola, you pinch at his nipple when it hardens, causing him to jolt in your embrace. whispering more praises of how he was doing so well, how he was your pretty boy, your beloved dragon, your hand guides his own to slip a finger inside his now loose vent.

“u-uunngh!! mmghh… mnngh… t-tight♡︎ too tight! w-won’t fit…♡︎!” he blabbers, throwing his head back on your shoulder as you slowly ease his finger deeper inside his vent. first, second knuckle until his middle finger was slipped deep inside the tight hole of his opening, legs shaking on the bed already like a fawn’s. there were already tears starting to form in his eyes, jaw slack open as heavy breaths fall. not a single thought behind his teary eyes. nothing but the pleasure your guidance and his fingers were bringing him.

“that’s it… that’s my pretty dragon, keep going” you coo out, pleased by how easily he broke under a simple pleasure of fingering his own vent. when he pathetically humps the air — finger still inside — you pull on his nipple to remind him how to do it. squealing at the amount of pleasure coming from both his nipples and vent, the dragon shakes his head, fat globs of tears already falling.

“c-can’t! can’t do it. [n-name] i need you♡︎♡︎ need your fingers so bad♡︎!“ he stutters, legs already shaking, about to close shut. too caught up in his own pleasure that he doesn’t even know what to do to properly pleasure himself even when you were here to guide him through it. clicking your tongue, you guide his hand to pull his finger out, something he couldn’t even perform without your help. he really was a goner with you.

“then, be a sweetheart and play with your tits for me, pretty. wanna see your cute breasts jiggle while i fuck you” you tell him, watching with endearment as he nods dumbly. hands coming up to push his shirt up, fingers twisting and pinching at his own hardened nipples. stuttered breaths fall from his lips when he could feel your thumb swipe at the slit of one of his cocks, jolting in place when you give his weeping cock a few pumps. the few visible veins in them were bulging, ready to pop and for him to squirt yet again if you just stop teasing him around!

but doing the same thing over and over again sounded boring to you. your sweet dragon deserved some treats for being such a good boy after all. he deserved some pampering.

“ah! gimme a second, darling” you snap your fingers, an idea forming in your head. he lets out a soft confused hum at that, hands still holding onto the soft mounds of his chest as he watches you move away to reach over to your bedside nightstand. opening the top drawer, he watches in curiosity as you bring out an odd small device that was connected to a small remote control by quite the lengthy wire. the color all cute pink, the toy small and nearly the size of a small hairclip but pretty girthy in width. were you… thinking on putting that inside him?

“it’s called a bullet vibrator. apparently, it’s supposed to add vibrations to any place of your choosing. and since i found out of your soft spot, i thought maybe we could try it out?” you explain to him, slowly unwrapping the long wire of the toy. it was quite lengthy. perfect to use it for his soft spot.

“only if you’re comfortable with it, dear. i wouldn’t want you to try anything you think you’re not ready for or feel comfortable with” you quickly say, ready to throw the toy away for another time when you feel the grip of his tail around your ankle. the soft smooth scales creating a soft, bristling sensation on your bare skin. if he could remember carefully, the most he took in his vent were two fingers. but it proved that his vent could be quite stretchy and take something more if given enough foreplay and gentle ministrations.

“i… i don’t think i would mind it. it sounds kind of fun, actually” he says after a moment of thinking on the matter, accepting the fact that yes, he can take it. he wanted to try these new feelings and challenges with you. everything would be right when with you.

“i would love to try this new toy” he finally comes to a conclusion, turning his head so he could place kisses on your neck and cheeks, purring in happiness when he could hear you chuckling. you should laugh more. the dragon loved the sound of your laughter — like soft bells chiming in the morning.

patting his thigh to tell him to open up his legs further, it was now your turn to plant kisses on his neck. you couldn’t exactly bite his shoulders as he still had his pajama shirt on, but you can take care of it tomorrow morning. so, you settle on peppering kisses on his neck, the faint scales that were around his artery, giving it a light suckle to which you got a breathy moan for. all the while you allow his vent to get used to the feeling of the toy, the material of it and its size, simply rubbing it over the soft outer scales.

“gonna push it in, okay pretty?” you whisper in his ear, to which he whimpered and nodded, one of his hands leaving his chest to intertwine his hand with yours. so cute. you can only hope he won’t crush your hand accidentally.

ever so softly, whispering praises to how good he was taking the toy into the shell of his ear, you take in the delicious noises he makes with a great amount of pride. the great and only dragon who could wipe out an entire nation off of the face of the earth, choosing you as his mate and bonding with you. having his faith in you that you would take good care of him and his pleasures. it was a heavy emotion and one that comes with responsibility to a certain degree and you would always be sure to handle the heart of his that he willingly gave you, with tenderness of a first snow.

“aaah mmggh—! uungh♡︎ it’s in! i-it’s aaaanhg♡︎♡︎ hummg♥︎ inside... it’s insiiiecckk—♡︎♥︎!!” your dragon squeals, hips thrusting back and forth into the air as he feels the soft round edge of the toy pressed against the soft spongy spot inside his vent. it felt foreign to have something other than your hand touch him there, perhaps even disrespectful since it was supposed to be the only soft spot that only you must have the privilege to know and touch! but for the sake of this new level of pleasure that you promised, he swallowed his hissy fits, instead replacing them with a whiny soft moan.

“i know, pretty. i know. deep breaths for me, pretty” you murmur, giving soft squeezes to his hand that was tightly holding your own. his tail starting to wrap around your ankle and up your calf further with the fluffy haired end wagging in the air playfully around your knees. you let him get used to the feeling of the toy first. gently rubbing it back and forth on his spongy spot, hearing the way his breathing picks up pace as he throws his head onto your shoulder.

“gonna turn it on now, pretty” you warn him, keeping a close eye on the way his expression shifts. if he shows the slightest bit of pain, uncomfortable feelings or signs of discomfort, you were going to ditch the idea. a moment of pleasure is not worth loosing your comfort over, after all. thankfully, he was reacting well to the new intrusion. only positive notes of his pleasured noises and star crossed eyes. you say it to him again, this time just a bit louder with a squeeze to his hand in case he was starting to lose himself. that seemed to snap him out of his trance. just enough to nod his head to you.

“o-okay… okayhhh i understaaaNGGHH!! [n-name]♥︎♥︎[namenamenamenam]—♥︎♥︎ h-haaangh mmhg s-shoo much♡︎ f-feelsh too much♡︎♥︎!!” just a single switch to the lowest level of the vibrator and he was already shrieking, sobbing and thrashing about on the bed. legs shutting around your hand instinctively, salty globs of tears falling as he goes slack jawed. his entire body shakes as he squirts into his stomach, but this time, he squirted from both of his cocks at the same time. the pretty pink tips weakly letting out a few more drops before he was fully hard on both cocks again.

all the while, you watched with an ever growing jubilation as your lover is reduced to this mess on your lap. legs shaking like a newborn fawn’s, cheeks and pointy ears a lovely shade of red as his jaw hangs slack open. every now and then, he would go quiet, arch his back off of you before a loud shriek would follow as the vibrator hits just right. you could see hearts in his eyes, completely docile as his pupils grow wide, so much so you could barely see the glow of his eye color.

so pathetically cute as he mewls your name in a slurred gibberish, repeating it over and over like a broken record. a broken recording that only had one word and is stuck in an eternal loop to say that recording. the most prettiest one. one that you wanted to be selfish and hear all day, everyday.

“u-uuuugckk! aaaanhg gyanh!! mrrrph— luv you♡︎ luvyouluvyouluvyous’much♥︎! luv yoouugh [n-naamee], luv you sho muchhh♡︎♡︎ f-fuUUNGK—♥︎♥︎” he trashes about on the bed, constant declaration of love falling from his lips, kicking his legs at the blanket as he sobs deliriously until he squirts yet again. his own cum splattering over to his chest, soiling his shirt and wetting his still hard pink nipples. you give one of them a pinch, delighted as he mewls in a hoarse voice. pinching and tugging on the cute nub, rubbing the still vibrating toy around his spongy spot, you watch in sheer adoration and obsession as he shoots blanks.

turning off the toy, you coax his legs open so you could move your hand and slip the toy out of his vent. when the girth of the toy slowly slips out of his abused now puffy vent, your dragon lets out a sob as his hips jolt violently. you could see his juices dripping out of his fluttering vent, wanting to finger it back inside him but knowing that it would push him way too far over his limits.

“shh shh, there there, pretty. i got you. you did so amazing” you whisper, wrapping your arms around his middle to pull him flush against yourself. wiping away his tears and drool, you places butterfly kisses over his face as you ground him back to his mind. he was far too gone and he hated having baths when he was way too lost in his subspace. if he isn’t responsive enough when bathing together, he will throw yet another hissy fit.

“mmmgh… tired…” you could hear him croak out after a long time of rocking him in your arms. he was slowly coming back which meant it was time for a bath. but until he fully regains his mind, it was better to cuddle him close as his tail has a mind of its own and has yet to let go of your ankle. at all.

smooch! maybe another kiss to his pink cheeks would help him ground himself faster.

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary in flux + snake secondary

Hello good day! I have AN ASK :(()()()( okay so I am having A LOT of difficulty with my primary. I’m 100% certain I’m a snake 2nd. Well, 99% no one should ever be 100% certain of anything.

And that’s a value? Right? Is that indicative of anything? tell me who I am lololol (jk)

That is a very Bird primary thing to say. That is a thing I have heard other Bird primaries say.

unless…)

(unrelated, but you sound a great deal like an ex-student of mine. Have you at any point written an essay called “Wolfstar and Its Consequences” about the way BookTok literary analysis flattens down the relationships in like, The Raven Cycle and Six of Crows into “the Sirius one” and “the Remus one,” and this seems vaguely fetishistic?)

The thing with primaries is I don’t KNOW WHY I do anything or what I care about??!!! And of course that’s not entirely accurate! it’s just so hard for me to articulate.

Hmmm. That’s sounding like an Idealist primary to me, an idealist primary in flux. And I would say Burnt Lion… but somehow I think you’re using too many exclamation points to really be burnt.

I think I relate most to bird or snake – via fictional characters (Azula, Hannibal Lecter, and also a bunch of the posts and other asks I’ve seen here hi thank you all.

I feel a bit like I might be a burnt Snake – my circle of friends right now is very very small so small it is mostly just me. My mother is probably the only person in my inner circle right now

Okay, I guess you could be a Burnt Snake primary.

but even around her I hesitate to go neutral. I haven’t had anyone around me in a number of years that I’ve felt I could go neutral around. Maybe that’s why I am having such a hard time?

So you’re thinking you’re also a Snake secondary, who wants to be able to go into neutral, but can’t. Which would definitely relate back to a burnt primary thing. I wonder if that’s how you read Hannibal, as a Snake secondary who needs Will as a person he can go neutral around.

This feels concentric!! Or pointless I don’t think I’m representing myself well but I don’t know who that is – especially in this context.

There’s some kind of identity angst going on here? Which mostly I associate with Lions. But it COULD be a system-building Bird? Or a Snake secondary with a really burnt primary.

My Snake secondary is receptive, defensive – I see what a person is/has and what I think they want me to be/ and with virtual people that’s like impossible. Or maybe I’m just being more neutral now and it feels unnatural to me. I think my neutral state is rather chaotic.

Snake. I could see how interacting virtually could be especially annoying to a Snake, since you’ve got so much less data to go off of.

Perhaps the Bird is a model I use to organize masks/??? Does that even make sense?

I’m not *really* seeing Bird secondary for you. Birds have their personas, and the audience that they’re aiming those personas at doesn’t matter that much. And for a Snake, it is the most important thing.

I don’t feel bad about my secondary. I used to! I used to think I was a liar or a phony. Or that I was a sadist or just evil. I think I grew up around a lot of IDK “grounded” people but I feel more airy, more undecided.

Doubling down on Snake secondary for sure.

I think morality is relative and circumstantial. Nothing is true for any single person. And maybe that sounds sssssssssnakey but could it also be birdy?

Could be either. It’s also kind of the premise of this system :)

But I guess in my wildest dreams I fantasize about having a partner, and like a close circle of best friends again (found family!!) being a part of a theatre troupe or making comedy skits and travelling the whole world (and also of course being a part of the revolution but like, as a spy or an assassin.) I’m comfortable being in the shadows most of the time but I like attention occasionally but usually mostly from certain people okay wow am I just a snake snake? is that who I am?!!

Some of this is just human stuff. Liking to be part of a group, liking attention but not too much attention, or only attention from certain people… I will say though. That you’re kind of giving me Bird Snake vibes, rather than Snake Snake. Just, there’s this way Bird Snakes have of being ephemeral, airy, in their own world. They also seem to love traveling.

maybe with a strong bird model – I love thinking about things and making new systems for myself – little games I play with myself. I have a hard time staying anywhere for very long or doing any one thing for a long time else I get bored. I also get really stressed out by jobs/responsibility and like do not want it/// I would rather have more free time than money. The cost of that is living very frugally and practically – maybe I’ve become too austere??!!! maybe I’ve exploded?????

You don’t read as someone who’s exploded. You read as someone who wants very different things than society says that you should want, you’ve figured that out and are - okay with that. Saying that ‘I want a life full of travel and light responsibility, and living cheaply and practically is totally fine.’ That’s a bit of an unusual answer, but it is an answer.

In the past I have tended to form fast close relationships with people I felt that SPARK with – both friends and ~*lovers*~ – but went through some tough breakups – both friends and ~*lovers*~ and haven’t really had a best friend (or ~*lover*~) in like 3 years :’( Is that pathetic? I’m Adam Parrish before he met Gansey it’s FINE ILL BE FINE

You don’t seem… that stressed by this. Burnt Snakes give off this feel of being in survival mode, and you… don’t. If anything, I’m getting “It would be fun to to x, y, or z things, I just can’t decide.” Which makes me think it’s more likely that you’re a Bird primary with their system in flux. And three years isn’t a crazy amount of time to be in flux, especially if you’ve just graduated, or are in some other *transitional* period.

ANYWAY

ALL THIS TO SAY;

thank you so much huge fan I love your work don’t stop believin’ <3 <3

I hope I provided you with enough information but not too much ;) ;)

You are welcome. I find your writing style very charismatic.

[jayeray-hq]

How He Shows You Affection: Sugawara Koushi

Requested by the wonderful @lavenderpup sorry it took so long! I took a hiatus for a while, but I hope you still enjoy it! 😊💖

Post Time Skip/Manga Ending Spoilers!

Warnings: Slightest itty bit of hinted NSFW!

How He Shows You Affection Master List - Character Masterlist

He Rubs Your Cheeks Together

“Hey, sorry I’m late!” you told the group, as you hurried up to them, “The trains were running behind schedule!”

“Don’t worry,” Kiyoko assured you, a kind smile on her pretty face, “You’re not the last one to arrive.”

“Is Koushi not here yet?” you asked glancing around the group. This was meant to be a reunion of the third years from the Karasuno volleyball team, but considering Kiyoko was engaged to Tanaka, and Asahi was dating Nishinoya, it had turned into more of a second- and third-years thing.

A familiar pair of arms around your waist answered your question as you were tugged into a firm chest, your boyfriend’s face rubbing up affectionately against yours as he asked teasingly, “Are you gossiping about me already, honey?”

Tanaka, who’d been standing surprisingly quietly next to Kiyoko politely holding her hand looked utterly scandalized at the display of public affection. If he was a sixties housewife he definitely would’ve been clutching at his pearls, though Kiyoko just looked amused and fond.

You’d grown used to how affectionate your boyfriend was, even in public and didn’t even blush nowadays, which always made him whine a bit, claiming he missed the good old days where you got flustered and stuttered every time he did it. However, you knew he didn’t actually mind given the smitten look he gave you every time you melted into his hold instead of stiffening up the way you used to.

His favorite move, and the one he almost always used to greet you was wrapping you into a hug from behind and nuzzling his face against yours, rubbing your cheeks together in a sweet affectionate gesture that never failed to make you melt.

You’d been a little self-conscious about it at first, especially since you’d gotten a lot of scandalized looks like Tanaka’s given Japan’s views on public displays of affection. However, the few times someone had actually said something about it, somehow your boyfriend had talked circles around them, and in the end, you’d get away with it, sometimes even getting fond looks instead.

A good example of this was your landlady, who’d glared and sniffed every time she’d seen the two of you when you’d first moved in. One conversation with Sugawara later and she’d changed her tune, claiming the two of you reminded her of her and her husband back in the day. Now you got fond looks, indulgent smiles and even cookies from time to time. She even went so far as to scold others who looked sideways at the two of you.

It was completely and utterly ridiculous, something you’d commiserated on with the other third years more than once. According to Kiyoko, Sugawara just had one of those faces that let him get away with anything. Given that she also had one of those faces you took her word for it, and for the most part let him do as he pleased, though you did try to stop if it looked like someone was genuinely uncomfortable.

“Koushi,” you scolded lightly, “You’re upsetting your kouhai.”

“Eh, he needs to toughen up some,” Sugawara told you, snickering slightly at Tanaka’s expression, though he did let go of you after one last affectionate rub and instead laced his fingers together with yours offering you an affectionate smile, “Especially if he’s going to do a good job taking care of Shimizu.”

“Suga-senpai!” Tanaka protested as Kiyoko giggled into her hand.

“Koushi, you know Shimizu doesn’t need him to take care of her, if anything it’s going to be her taking care of him,” you teased lightly, making your boyfriend and Kiyoko both laugh brightly.

“Your girlfriend is just as bad as you are,” Tanaka informed your boyfriend, though there was a definite smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“I know,” Sugawara said, clear pride in his voice as he pressed an affectionate smacking kiss to your cheek, “Isn’t she just the best?”

“Really Suga, you shouldn’t tease our kouhai so much,” Daichi intervened, though he also looked incredibly amused by the whole exchange.

“Tanaka makes it too easy,” your boyfriend told him with a shrug, “Besides someone’s got to give him a hard time now that Kiyoko’s given in to him, that and none of the other second years are nearly as fun.”

“Speaking of second years, where are Nishinoya and Asahi?” you asked, chiming in to save Tanaka from Sugawara’s ruthless teasing as you finally realized who was missing from the group.

“We’re here!” A familiar voice called, and you turned just in time to see the rather comical sight of Nishinoya tugging Asahi down the street by his hand, practically dragging the larger man behind him, “Sorry we’re late we got distracted!”

“We can see that,” Sugawara stated dryly, his eyes tracing over their clearly rumpled and hastily put together appearances, “Asahi, just what have you been doing with our precious kouhai?”

The long haired third year immediately began to splutter as Nishinoya laughed loudly, clearly unbothered at the implication. The group of you set off together, headed for dinner, all of you laughing and smiling as your boyfriend teased his newest victim, with Sugawara’s fingers laced affectionately with yours, refusing to lose contact for even a second as you went about your night.

He Tells You He Cares

“Have a good day at school, and say hi to your class for me,” you told your boyfriend as you casually straightened his tie, and pressed a quick kiss to his waiting lips.

“I will,” he assured you with a bright smile as he scooped up his suitcase though he paused in the doorway to turn back and tell you, “I love you!”

“I love you too,” you assured him with a soft smile, watching as he walked out the door with a cheerful bounce in his step.

It was a routine that the two of you completed every morning almost without fail, and even when you couldn’t Sugawara always made it a point to tell you he loved you before he left to go anywhere. Even if you were asleep or he thought you were sleeping he’d still press a tender kiss to your forehead or cheek and whisper how much he loved you before walking out the door.

With so many repetitions and routine you’d think the words would lose their meaning, just a ritual part of your day with no thought or true emotion behind them. However, it simply wasn’t true.

You’d asked your boyfriend before why he insisted on saying it so often, you’d been curious, especially since Japanese culture didn’t put a large emphasis on saying the words out loud the way other cultures did.

As a teacher your boyfriend was incredibly articulate and usually able to express himself incredibly well. When you’d asked though he’d seemed to struggle to find the right words. He had gotten very thoughtful, and told you that it was because he wanted to remind both of you that at the end of the day he loved you no matter what was happening in your lives.

You’d been a bit confused about his reasoning at the time, and a little unhappy as well. You could understand maybe needing to remind you that he loved you, he shouldn’t need to remind himself that he loved you right? It just hadn’t made sense, and your boyfriend wasn’t able to properly explain, just insisted that it was important to him. You certainly hadn’t minded, and so figured there wasn’t any harm in it even if you didn’t understand.

You kept that mindset right up until your first fight as a couple after you’d moved in together. Sugawara had headed for the door to leave for a while to clear his head and let both of you calm down. However, he’d paused in the doorway and looked back to tell you he loved you.

It had taken away all the sting of him leaving for a bit, and reminded you that not only did he love you, you loved him too, and at the end of the day that was what mattered most, not whatever petty thing you’d been arguing about. The reminder was enough to help soothe you into a better frame of mind for when he returned. The two of you had been able to resolve your fight calmly and rationally after that, with apologies and ‘I love you’s on both sides.

His words about it being a reminder had clicked for you then, and from that point on you made it a point to tell him you loved him before you left too, something that never failed to make him beam at you, warm and full of affection.

It helped that you’d both promised that if ever there was a day when you didn’t actually mean the words that you wouldn’t say them at all. However you were rather almost certain that day would never come. You couldn’t imagine someone better suited to you than Sugawara who reminded you each and every how very much he loved you, and how much you loved him too.

He Surprises You

The sound of someone knocking at the front door pulled you away from the mindless scrolling you’d been doing on your phone and prompted you to pull yourself up from the couch, confused about who might be interrupting you on your day off. Your normal suspect would’ve been your boyfriend, but not only did he have a key, he was at school much to your mutual disappointment. However the day off had been unexpected, so he hadn’t been able to take a vacation day in advance and was not so irresponsible that he would call in sick when he wasn’t. He loved the kids too much for that.

It turned out you probably should’ve continued to suspect your boyfriend, as he was the culprit behind the interruption, if not the culprit himself. The delivery guy kindly passed you a bouquet of your favorite flowers, just the sight of them bringing a smile to your face as you signed for them, and then brought them into the kitchen where you could admire them.

The bouquet came with a handwritten note that read…

I hope you’re enjoying your day off! When I get home, let’s go on a date okay?

Love,

Koushi

You smiled a little helplessly at the familiar writing, realizing your boyfriend must’ve stopped by the shop personally to pick something out and leave a note for you to read. Your heart felt close to overflowing with affection for him as you snapped a quick picture of your flowers and sent him a quick text to thank him and that it was a definite yes to date night.

Your boyfriend had always been a thoughtful person, but sometimes it still caught you by surprise just how thoughtful he truly was. Sugawara liked to surprise people, and he’d told you once that sweet surprises were the best kind. Looking at your flowers you couldn’t help but agree with him.

He was always doing things like this for you, sending your favorite flowers, making you a cute lunch, buying something small that had reminded him of you and bringing it home as a gift. It never failed to make you feel soft, especially since it proved that he was always thinking of you. You loved it, though you’d told him more than once he was spoiling you.

Sugawara had just shrugged at the accusation and sent you one of his beaming smiles, the kind that never failed to make your heart flip over in your chest, and told you, you deserved to be spoiled. It made you want to spoil him too, the look on his face always worth it when you took time out of your day to make or buy something for him.

With that in mind you quietly began to plan a surprise or two of your own, your previously rather boring, if productive day brightening as you daydreamed about the things you’d like to do for your sweet boyfriend, coming up with several interesting ideas. Time practically flew by, and before you knew it, it was getting close to the time school was letting out.

Carefully you snagged one of the pretty blooms from the bouquet you’d been sent, and tucked it behind your ear, grabbing your things as you practically danced out the door. Sugawara was right after all, pleasant surprises were the best, and you were going to start by picking him up from school. You couldn’t wait to get started on all your ideas, hoping you could make Sugawara feel just as loved as he always did for you.

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[starfast]

So you want to write an autistic character

So I watched the trailer for Sia’s movie just to see if it really was that bad. Spoiler alert: Yes it is. It made me feel like Sia was making fun of me for two and a half minutes. But it also made me really fucking angry because there’s not autism representation to begin with, and most of what we do have isn’t really that great, which is what drove me to make this post. I don’t have many followers so even if like 3 people see this, then at least that’s 3 people who have seen this.  

What would I like to see less of

Literally incapable of detecting sarcasm: “Wait,” you say, “But Starfast, there are autistic people out there who are like this!” Sure, there might be, but for me personally detecting sarcasm is a lot less difficult than literally every autistic character has made it out to be. Yes, there are times where it goes right over my head but those times are usually when there’s not enough context for me to figure out whether the person is being sarcastic or not. Some of us actually are able to tell when you’re being sarcastic, it usually depends on context.

The “Sheldon Cooper”:  Autism is really diverse and yet I feel like 99% of autistic characters are basically all just carbon copies of Sheldon Cooper from BBT. They’re maybe overly formal, blunt, or have a hard time picking up social cues. And while these are all things that are commonly associated with autism (although this type of character rarely shows any major downsides to having autism, more on that later), like I said earlier, autism is different for everyone. Not all of us are going to feel represented by this type of character. Honestly I don’t even relate to a lot of autistic characters because they just keep reusing the same autistic stock characters and that’s really disheartening to me. It’s almost like they’re not making autistic characters for autistic people.

The Burden: This probably doesn’t need to be explained that much but it was the one thing that really pissed me off about S**’s movie. In the trailer, I really got the very distinct impression that the older sister saw Music as a burden. Her life was just oh so difficult because she had this autistic sister. No one wants to be thought of that way. And idk if you neurotypicals know this but autistic people have feelings and we hear it loud and clear when you say these kinds of things and it hurts. 

Using autism as a punchline: I think it’s fine to have an autistic character to provide comic relief, BUT! if your comic relief involves laughing at an autistic character’s very autistic behaviour then you’re doing it wrong. This kind of goes back to my first point- the reason why I hate seeing the “incapable of detecting sarcasm” character is because it’s almost exclusively played for laughs. Please stop making fun of us. 

What would I like to see more of

Diversity: I feel like this doesn’t really need much explaining. Autism can affect anyone regardless of age, race, gender, sexuality, etc. And yet most autistic characters I’ve encountered are straight white guys. Let’s see more girls, more POCs, more LGBT+ who are autistic. 

Obvious drawbacks/struggles: When I talked about the Sheldon Cooper-type character I mentioned that this type of character doesn’t really seem to face many challenges that are directly related to autism. What I mean by this is that sometimes they’ll maybe just miss the odd social cue and it’s kinda embarrassing but it rarely gets worse than that. An autistic character is going to face challenges that a neurotypical won’t ever have to deal with and if you don’t acknowledge that then you’re not really properly portraying an autistic character. Show more autistic characters struggling to make friends, having meltdowns or experiencing sensory overload, having a hard time articulating themselves. The list goes on, honestly. 

Actually saying it: Have you ever seen it where there’s a certain character and a bunch of people go “hey, that character seems like they could be [insert literally any minority] and then the creator goes “Oh, yeah that’s totally what I intended!” I personally don’t really like this, because it feels kind of disingenuous. If you’re going to write an autistic character, it would be nice to have that brought up within the story. Autism isn’t a dirty word, you’re allowed to say it. The only exception I can think of would be if you’re writing a historical fiction or some other setting where autism hasn’t been recognized but most examples I can think of don’t fall into that category whoop there it is. 

Literally just anything that isn’t a stereotype. This seems to be setting the bar pretty low, but it still needs to be said. Autism looks different for everyone and just because someone doesn’t fit the mold for a stereotypical autistic person doesn’t mean they’re not autistic. No one wants to be represented by a stereotype. 

“I’m not autistic but I want to write an autistic character. Can I do that?” 

I can’t speak for the entire autistic community when I answer this but my opinion is yes, it’s ok provided that you’re being respectful and doing research beyond reading symptoms off of WebMD. That being said, here’s my final advice: 

Listen and talk to autistic people: If you’re not listening to the group you’re trying to represent then you’re not doing a good job. There are lots of people here out there who would be willing to answer your questions or be a sensitivity reader. There’s a lot of people here on tumblr who are willing to answer your questions (you can even ask me, but I’m just one person and I don’t have all the answers. I’d recommend talking to multiple people). 

Autism Speaks is not your friend: There’s been a lot of talk about why this organization sucks, but it mostly boils down to trying to end autism and not actually helping us. So make sure you’re steering clear of them while you’re doing your research. 

Reddit and Quora are actually great resources: Reason being is that these kinds of sites will give you lots of first hand information about being autistic, and that’s the best kind of information to have, usually. Most sites will just list symptoms, but the right reddit/quora thread will provide more insight about how these symptoms affect their daily life. Additionally, you’ll have multiple people offering their own views and since autism is so different for everyone it’s good to have more than one person’s opinion (psst... this tip works for writing other minority characters too!) 

[meimae]

Language Learning Through Immersion: One Year Japanese Update

11/03/2021

I did it, you guys! I’ve successfully reached my very first year of Japanese language immersion! I honestly thought that I would have given up by now, but this really has been a fun and ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Studying the language has been at the back of my mind for years since elementary school, I just never really knew how to go about it before, and I always thought that I could learn it in a classroom setting someday. That someday for me was in two elective courses in university, and while those were fun as well, it did not give me the same gains that I have achieved in this past year.

It’s probably easier to quantify learning a language in a classroom setting, especially when going through a program to earn a language degree. Learning through immersion, however, I had to really consider what my goals should be on my own. Eventually, I stumbled upon an article saying that for an English speaker, Japanese was exceptionally difficult to learn and that at least 2,200 hours must be spent with the language to reach a certain level of proficiency. So I said to myself, “well okay internet, if you say so!”, and set that as my long term goal going forward.

Spoiler Alert: I did not hit that goal in my first year. I am not crazy and will never listen to Japanese in my sleep regardless of what Khatzumoto (the creator of All Japanese All the Time) says. 

I did, however, hit a total 1,226.65 active immersion hours in my first year, so I guess I’m still a bit nuts. That is 874.96 hours of active listening and 351.69 reading hours. I also did 270.59 hours of passive listening, also known as the time in the very beginning of my immersion where I was using Japanese subtitles (therefore not really concentrating on listening alone). That’s a cumulative 1,497.24 hours spent with Japanese. That’s more than halfway towards my goal! 

To further break that down for curious animanga fans out there, that’s 973 episodes from 109 anime, 765 episodes from 33 dramas, 7 movies, and 967 chapters from 107 volumes of manga (21 series). Here’s my anilist and mydramalist to see what I’ve read/watched.

During all this, I was also doing my daily Anki reps and now I have a 530 day SRS streak (includes the time prior starting immersion and only doing RTK and some vocabulary cards) and a total 8,857 sentence cards. I’ve been averaging 406 cards daily (because I’m trying to cure my leeches) and I spend about an hour per day doing reps and learning new cards. I don’t really track my time on Anki, but I do have a set timer that goes off after 1-1:30 hours.

What I haven’t touched upon at all is output. I have not gone out of my way to find a tutor or a language partner. There’s still plenty of input out there to immerse in before I even consider outputting.

Graphs, stats, and more thoughts:

Here's my current card count in my main deck (minus the cards in my new/learning queue and leeches I've been relearning which are in separate decks):

That one day in 2019 where I did not do my cards because I was seriously doubting whether I can actually stick with language learning this time around will forever haunt and inspire me to keep going everyday.

Workflow and Tips

You might be wondering, how do I have a lot of time? I started this whole endeavor in the middle of a pandemic, which eliminated the option of me going to a language school, and a slew of other things I were considering doing last year became impossible (and if anything, very scary to do in a pandemic). All I can say is that, things work out eventually if it is His will, and if I can learn a skill before everything properly settles back down again, then why not? 

I wake up at 5 in the morning everyday to either do my Anki reps or read until the time when I need to get up and I listen to compressed audio throughout the day. The biggest tip is to switch the time you spend watching/reading in your native language to your target language instead. Listen to a podcast during your commute, watch an episode during lunch break, read before going to bed, do your Anki reps in the bathroom if you have to. 

But, if you’re feeling burnt out, there is no reason for you to not take a break! I have been watching a lot of Among Us streams before bed, and I chat with my friends from time to time. Language learning is not a race.

More Stats

Here are a couple of grids of the kanji characters that I have encountered at least once in my immersion and how well I have answered them in my vocabulary/sentence cards.

It's interesting that after almost 9000 words, I have yet to encounter every single character from the Remembering the Kanji 1 (RTK 1) book by James Heisig, which teaches you the most common use characters that are part of the 常用漢字. Which brings me to the question, was writing down every single character being taught in RTK worth it every time it came up in my reviews for the first 3-ish months I was reviewing them? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly removed my anxiety whenever looking at blocks of text in Japanese, but the longer I think about it, the more I feel I should have switched to Recognition RTK earlier. Still, being able to write in proper stroke order is cool I guess, and it also helps me when looking things up in the dictionary.

Here’s the same grid but in JLPT order:

I clearly need to grind those N2 and N1 level cards! Speaking of which, I have apparently almost covered every single character that could possibly appear in the JLPT (except for the N1 which I have only covered half of) in just a year's time. If the JLPT word frequency lists I’m using are accurate, I have about 2,000 words more to go to to cover most vocabulary that could appear in the test. This makes the "10,000 sentences/words to fluency" argument a reasonable milestone to aim for for Japanese learners if said aim is only to pass the test. That said, 10,000 words is just that, a milestone. It's more akin to a comfortable level of comprehension, but not my own concept of fluency which is being able to read with ease, speak articulately, and write comfortably.

READING IMMERSION GRAPHS

My biggest motivation for tracking my stats is for the purpose of seeing whether my reading speed is improving over time. Reading speed is also easier to measure than listening comprehension which is kind of subjective, so I had a lot of fun making these. What I found is that for the first volume or chapter of whatever it is I’m reading, I always take the time to get used to the writing style of the author. My speed really improves whenever I keep reading the same topic over and over again. On the other hand and quite obviously, looking up many new words in a row and trying to parse sentences slows me down.

Manga: Reading Speed Progression per Volume

I clearly love ちはやふる and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I need to start reading longer manga. When I do, I’ll probably split this graph into less than and greater than 20 volumes. Imagine if I start reading something ridiculously long as 名探偵コナン or ワンピース, these graphs will start breaching the bounds of time and space.

Novels: Time Spent Reading per Chapter

#neverforget the time I read chapter six of Norwegian Wood for 9 hours when it took me less than half that time in English RIP. Also, my interest in Kitchen plummeted LOL. Still planning to finish it don’t worry. 

I also need to start branching away from manga and start reading more novels and light novels, too just so I can make more pretty graphs.

Visual Novels: Time Spent Reading and Daily Word Count

Also known as images that clearly show that I’ve already spent several days only reading the prologue of Island. I’m not sweating. 切那 needs to stop using words I don’t know in succession. More thoughts on this VN far into the future.

Thoughts on Immersion

I can’t really say anything else other that that it works for me, and needless to say if you’re considering this method, remember that the SRS is your friend but immersion should be your one true love.

Prior to all this, I couldn’t even read a sample paragraph from Genki without being confused to my very soul. Yes, I know, it’s embarrassing, but that’s the truth. I was way more scared of failing my Japanese classes than my actual thesis for my bachelors degree, I kid you not. I would quite literally spend all my free time in university trying to understand grammar, memorize vocabulary, and answer my workbook exercises with little to no success. 

I tried so hard to get all the grammar “formulas” into my head for 1.5 years and it only brought me more confusion. I’m never going back to traditional classroom study for language learning, but I will still refer to grammar books when I need to, and not because I feel like I need to answer 4783342 different workbook exercises like my life depended on it.

I still can’t believe it, but with immersion this statement is actually true to a point, don’t try shadowing anime/or calling your boss anime language slurs, use your common sense:

study anime to understand Japanese > study Japanese to understand anime 

Future Goals/Plans

2,200 immersion hours was my initial goal, but honestly I feel like that number could be much higher. There’s still a lot of stuff I don’t understand (news, politics, sciences, etc.), so I’ll make attempts to cover more of those things in my immersion. 

I’ll continue reading more, because that’s a natural SRS in itself. Try to read longer manga, more novels, visual novels, and light novels, and maybe news articles. 

I’ll try to mine as much “JLPT vocab” as I can before making any attempts at taking the JLPT. I noticed that a lot of the words I know don’t appear in the JLPT word lists as much, even though they appear a lot in media/daily conversation. 

Continue mining all words I don’t know because all words are useful anyway. There is no such thing as useless words. I never really understood mining only “interesting words” or words that “pop up” in your immersion. As I said in my previous blog post, 美人局 is an interesting word and I certainly caught it being said in my immersion, but in the three languages I know, I wouldn’t know when I would be able to use such a word, as compared to something like ジャガイモ which is a significantly less interesting word, but is certainly useful to know. 

_

I have managed to talk up a storm, but if you have any questions regarding my process or recommendations for new immersion material, please feel free to send an ask/reply to this post. I love hearing about other people’s language learning/immersion journeys. 

See you on my next post!

[ghostbustermelanieking]

some thoughts on mag 200

i’ve been having trouble articulating this, but i wanted to get some thoughts down on mag 200, and the ending of tma as a whole, now that i’ve heard the finale twice and had some time to process it all. putting this under a cut in case people don’t wanna see it -- there’s gonna be a lot of praise here, but also some legit criticism. this is a way to sort through my feelings more than anything else.

first off, relistening to the finale, and sitting on it for a while, has made me feel a hell of a lot better about the whole thing. the episode comes off a lot better when you’re not vibrating with fear and anticipation, in my opinion. the final statement was very fitting and cool -- not my favorite ever, but i can appreciate it a lot as a final closing for the fears. and i don’t have an ear for soundscaping but the sound in that statement was cool as hell. the jonah magnus gets fucking murdered scene is incredibly satisfying. a lot of other people have said this, but i love that jon finally got his revenge, and was able to lash out against jonah for all the years of manipulation and beng used, and for tim and sasha and everything else. that was perfect. i genuinely thought we might not get a scene like this after 193 but i am so glad we did. incredibly satisfying. the girls made it out!! i am very glad that they’re ok and moving on and seem to be leaning on each other. (By God I Will Wring Found Family Out Of This Podcast If It Kills Me.) and the admiral’s okay. love that

and the jonmartin ending. oh my god. while i was never the biggest fan of the possibility of martin having to kill jon, the way it went down was so painful and good. i loved that final scene. i love the ambiguity -- that they might have died but maybe they didn’t, maybe they’re all right and happy and we can decide for ourselves -- i love that i got exactly what i wanted, that i get to have my cake and eat it too, all the angst of a jmart death and still the possibility of happiness... i am going buckwild. i love it. the longer i spend with this ending, the happier i am with it. i really really loved it

on another note... i do have some reservations about the finale and the season as a whole. i understand peoples’ irritations with the finale, and while i’m trying to focus on the things i did like, i definitely have some irritations. for one, i definitely wish the finale had been longer. i would’ve loved to see more of what wtgfs and basira were doing, and the actual lighting of the archives, etc. and while i completely understand why the scene at the panopticon went as quickly as it did -- it comes off very much as wild, frantic impulse in the heat of the moment where they’re in danger and trying to protect each other -- i do wish it had gone a little slower. 

in my mind, the biggest issue in season 5 ended up being pacing. and this might be a personal preference thing -- there’s a lot of things within the show that i don’t personally vibe with, but i don’t necessarily think they’re badly written. but i do think season 5 was slow. and while slow things can certainly work in a certain context (season 4 comes off wildly slow til you listen to 160), i wish more of what actually happened in season 5 had been baked into the end game. the season felt like it had a lot of filler, which drives me mildly crazy, because the end game feels rushed and i don’t think it NEEDED to be. i liked a lot of what season 5 did -- there’s some impeccable episodes, the character interactions are weirdly lighter and softer than they have been in previous seasons, and i wouldn’t trade a lot of the things that it’s given us (all the jonmartin interactions, jon and georgie briefly rebuilding their friendship, martin and melanie friendship, wtgfs scenes and intimacy, backstory, lore, etc) for anything. but i do think it could’ve been structured and paced a little differently. i also think it could’ve given some more screentime to the character stuff we got from episodes like 161, 170, 186, 190, 191, 192, 199... i absolutely love both martin centric monologue episodes, but i hate that we didn’t get anything like that for jon. (or for melanie or georgie or basira...) the best episodes of the season, imo, are the ones that broke from traditional form of domain statement domain, and the ones that focused in hard on backstory, lore, character introspection, character interaction... i wish we had more of this. 

when it comes to the jonmartin arc... i know this has been a point of contention with a lot of people, but i don’t hate it at all. maybe it’s just because i relistened to the majority of the season back in january, but a lot of the more grating moments that seemed large week to week (martin pressuring jon to smite people, the disagreements they had earlier in the season, jon using martin as bait in 176, etc etc) come off a lot more minor when you’re binging. personally, relistening to act i made those interactions come off as things they were struggling with through continued support and reassurance. there were absolutely things i wanted addressed, especially with the “kill bill arc” -- the disagreements early in the season, and how it seemed to turn on its head in the argument they have in 194. (i didn’t like martin blaming jon for the kill bill arc and i was hoping it would get brought up.) i also wanted to see a discussion of martin going with annabelle in 194 -- i wasn’t really ever mad at martin for doing it, but i did want to see them talk it out. 

but! after relistening to 200, i think i have a better handle on why that couldn’t have happened. martin goes behind jon’s back to go with annabelle and they don’t talk about it; jon goes behind martin’s back to sabotage the plan everyone agrees on in order to prevent the fears from spreading. if they’d had a big talk about trust, and working through martin going off with annabelle, and then jon turned around and did the same thing, more or less... it would’ve completely soured that discussion. jon and martin needed to be in a place of discourse for this ending to work. 

honestly, the more i’ve thought about this final JM arc, the better i feel about it. sure, jon and martin are in a bad place, and they’ve gone behind each other’s backs and been somewhat selfish, but i don’t think this ruins their relationship. for one, martin’s break in trust comes from a place of wanting to save jon and the world. and for another, jon genuinely feels he is doing the right thing, making a decision he can live with. (i have my own opinions as to how ethical jon’s decision was, but that’s another post. and i think the muddy ethics of this ending are on purpose -- it’s horror, a genre that often doesn’t offer ethical decisions.) their final decisions and final moments come from a place of love and protectiveness, and they change their decisions for the other. they still love each other, through all of it. i don’t think these late stage betrayals equivalate jonmartin necessarily being doomed as a couple (not that anyone has said that, but it’s worth saying). and i think it’s important to remember that this is still a relatively new relationship. it existed for approximately three weeks before the literal apocalypse, and it’s been under an immense amount of stress, as well as the constant fear that one or both of them would die. (which they did.) i’m not saying that excuses certain things they’ve said or done, but i am saying i don’t think the relationship is doomed. i think, if jon and martin have survived, they’ll need to work through things. they’ll need to talk it all out. and they’ll be able to! they’ll heal from this one way or another. the tragedy isn’t that jonmartin is doomed, or toxic. it’s that these moments of betrayal are what dooms them. and the beautiful undercurrent of it all is that they still manage to come together, and make decisions that mean they stay together. and that wherever they are, they’re still together. 

all in all, i don’t think season 5 has been perfect, and i can make my peace with that. (tma’s worst is a hell of a lot better than most shows’ best.) (i also think it might be worth considering how covid could have affected certain aspects of how the season was written -- pandemics are stressful, and i can’t imagine what it’s like to finish an enormous, in the works for years project like this in the middle of that. personally, i’m impressed they’ve managed to finish the show through all of this and keep it to a similar quality.) i think critiques are valuable and worth discussing. and i think plot aspects aside, there are several other critique related things that could be brought up about this season that people have articulated much better than i ever could. but i also, personally, want to walk away from the show feeling satisfied. i tend to be weirdly positive about things i love (the x files finale was horrendous, but i managed to get to a place where i was happy with it, for example), and i think that applies here -- even more so because i really did love so many aspects of that finale. i don’t necessarily want to linger in my own mind over what i disliked, especially considering the show is over. although i did want to air out my thoughts. 

i still love this show. i loved a lot of episodes this season, frustrations aside. season 5 will forever be my only live tma experience, and it got me through one of the worst years of my life, and i am very grateful for this. i genuinely did just want to air out my thoughts and get them all down on paper. these are just my opinions -- i don’t want to criticize anyone who feels differently about the finale, or the season as a whole. everyone’s opinion is their own. 

i feel a lot, lot better about mag 200, to the point of genuinely loving it. i hope my appreciation only grows as i get further from that frenzied first day and have more time to sit with it. and i can’t wait to see all the art and read all of the amazing fics that are going to come out of this ending (and write some of my own). it’s been a wild ride. i’m glad i was here for it.