#I just wish god could reward me with someone of my own is all

[kavehater]

Truthfully it would be easier if I just isolate myself from everyone simply because after so long of just shoving things down and being told to shove things down and being told to get over it and stop being sensitive I’ve become so much more sensitive after being so unfeeling and it’s ruining everything

Not even having aventurine could fix this 😔🙏 LOLLL

[seventeencryinghorses-blog]

Hello~ I was wondering if you could do a headcannon for a Crocodile x reader who has worked with him since Alabasta. As of late, after forming Crossguild, he's realizing that he has feelings for her and it pisses him off.

It's good I reread this because I almost starting writing you having feelings and it annoying him. Anyway I know headcanons are usually formatted different and worded different so I just tried to copy what i've seen. Sorry if it's weird, it's my first time. Be gentle 🥺. If i did something wrong just tell me. Also my first ask that isn't me squeee!

Crocodile the love struck (reptile) fool

Crocodile x fem reader. Crocodile isn't happy that this is an x reader because he's a control freak. 821 words.

You’re a hard worker, a competent worker, and a loyal worker. Those are facts, viable facts that could be proven in the fact that you work just as hard now as you do in Alabasta despite having less incentive to; despite having the opportunity to leave him when he was in Impel Down. It’s why he’s so in denial about these unwanted feelings at first, then angry that he has them. Things are already so hectic, he doesn’t need anything else to be out of his control.

• It started with your smile, as cliche as it is, the one you wore even though work can be anything but fun.

• He found it irritating at first, work is something to be taken seriously, but came to appreciate it.

• First because it meant you enjoyed your job well enough, something he likes since it means more loyalty.

• Now that he'a formed Cross Guild, it's because it brightens his own day; and to the point where now it’s like some sort of drug.

• One where if he doesn’t get it he gets on edge, making work even duller.

• It’s embarrassing, a fully grown old man like him getting cranky because doesn’t get a smile from a pretty girl he likes. Pathetic.

• It ends up putting him in an even worse mood when he notices it.

• Another thing that annoys him is how much he likes your voice.

• You’ve even started having to repeat things to him because he was too focused on how nice it sounds and feels to hear you talk to him.

• He wouldn’t be surprised if you thought he’d gone senile at this point…

• Thankfully you don’t show it if you do feel that way.

• Something he does wish you’d show is distaste for when any of the other men talk to you.

• He knows it’s mostly good work ethic communicating with them well, it helps now that you’re allied with other people, but sometimes he wishes you’d sneer at Mihawk or scoff at Buggy rudely.

• Show that you dislike talking to them, hate talking to anyone that isn’t him.

• There are the childish thoughts again…

• He’s 46 for gods’ sake, someone who’s killed both with his own hands and from his indirect actions.

• Not some schoolboy getting fussy that his crush is talking to someone else.

• Maybe feelings like “fussy” would be better though, would be safer for you; because they’re not always so childish.

• He wants you all to himself, you’re his anyway.

• You worked with him in Alabasta, waited for him while he was in Impel down, and work with him again in Cross Guild even if the work is more taxing; and less rewarding.

• You stayed with him, so loyal for him, so it makes sense that you’re his

• He wants to shower you with things you’d like, not just to dress his pretty girl up, but to guilt you into staying with him.

• To give him more of an excuse to be protective over you than just having feelings.

• What a terrible thing to think, but he’s never been a morally correct person.

• Either way, it’s not like he could actually do anything to hurt you.

• He’s tried, you can become a serious weakness for him.

• But everytime he tries there’s always an excuse.

• “She’s too useful.” “She’s a good worker.” “l still need her for this.” “It’d be a hassle.” “She makes my work easier.” “I’ll do it once I get my power back.”

• Though those are viable reasons that stop him, they aren’t truly the core reason.

• The reason is because he loves you, and it drives him mad.

• As mad as when you smile for others, or your hands brush together, or you call his name while looking up at him with those pretty eyes he wants looking nowhere else.

• You’re so beautiful, he loves you.

• He wishes that the feelings would just go away with time, with the fatigue he gets from working days straight.

• But they don’t, and they only get stronger.

• Especially when you do things to make even the smallest things easier.

• Making sure his cigar drawer is always full, bringing him water, telling him the time when he loses track of it.

• When he notices you telling him the time while looking sleepy yourself, he almost grabs you to pull you into his lap.

• Hold you, cage you into his arms and give you a kiss with all the emotion he’s been building up.

• But he can’t lose control, so he doesn’t.

• He just sends you off with a “Thanks, get some sleep yourself before you pass out on the job.”

• Once you turn, you can’t see the way his eyes follow you with a warmth he didn’t even know he had.

• And once the door is closed behind you, you don’t see the way he puts his head in his hands with a “Fuck.”

[peachsukii]

『 ♡ 』  fem!reader thinking about her crush...

no pairings used, fill in the thoughts of your favorite man instead. 🔥

I keep these longings locked In lowercase inside a vault

there he was again, walking into the coffee shop without a care in the world. you knew his order by heart - he doesn't even have to tell you before approaching the register.

"thanks doll," he says with a wink, making sure his fingertips brush over your hand as you hand him his coffee. "see ya tomorrow."

infatuation floods into your cheeks while you smile, painting them with a pretty rose flush. your co-workers don't notice when you tighten your legs, hugging your thighs together at an attempt to keep yourself from shaking in anticipation.

the next four hours are a brutal test of strength.

Someone told me there's no such thing as bad thoughts, only your actions talk

your shoes are barely off when you enter your apartment before you're darting to the bedroom, desperate for release.

it's almost embarrassing how wild this man drives you.

almost.

the coffee shop uniform crumbles next to your bed, hair undone against the pillow while your fingers are rushing to the hem of your panties. you can't help but notice the wet fabric as your pointer finger finds purchase on your clit, a shock of pleasure surging through your system. it's unbearable at first, the bud too sensitive to touch until your free hand cups your breast, tweaking your nipple softly to disperse the lightning bolts coursing through your body.

there's no harm in this sea of lewd thoughts, it's only intoxicating satisfaction.

These fatal fantasies giving way to labored breath, taking all of me

he's gorgeous - eyes that illuminate the room and flawless skin with a body to die for. his features are etched into your mind, every curve of his muscles, angle of his jawline, thickness of his fingers...

oh god, his fingers.

you stuff two fingers into your soaked entrance at the thought, imagining that it would only be one of his. wanting to feel how he fills you up with such ease, molding to his burning touch until he moves up to two...maybe three.

you could take it, you're a good girl.

you've heard enough of his voice, the way he enunciates, to vocalize his praise in your mind. that's it princess... so good for me, doll... you open up so well for me... your sighs are so pretty.

the thought of his tongue running along the shell of your ear as he coaxes out your first orgasm has you squirming beneath your own fingers.

If it's make believe, why does it feel like a vow we'll both uphold somehow?

sweat has your back sticking to the sheets, the blaze in your abdomen hotter than hell itself. your fingers aren't reaching deep enough, aren't thick enough, to fuel your desire further - you're feeling too empty.

the nightstand wobbles intensely as you rip open the top drawer, favorite toy now in your sticky grip. you kick off your panties and drag the silicone cock down your belly, stopping shy of your drenched mess of a cunt.

What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh only in my mind?

you wish you possessed unlimited hands - something to stimulate the yearning for touch, turning the daydream unfathomably realistic. extra hands to grip your thighs, dig blunt nails into your hips, push and pull the fake dick in and out of you for hours.

for now, you get creative with the fantasy.

you tap the silicone tip against your swollen clit, mimicking him teasing you before he slips inside of your tight hole.

look how wet you are, baby... just for me.

the moan that falls from your lips is voracious, begging yourself for more.

i suppose i can reward you with my cock after being so patient.

My bedsheets are ablaze, I've screamed his name, building up like waves crashing over my grave

the words swirl in your head as your juices coat the toy, the gratifying slurp of your pussy sucking it in to the hilt with no resistance. you clutch the base and begin with a slow, teasing and tantalizing pace, screwing your eyes shut to replace the dildo with the mental image of his dick filling you to the brim.

it's not long before your tempo increases, ferociously fucking yourself while slurring his name, mumbling curses while your release builds. the thread is pulled taut, threatening to snap any moment. your free hand moves back to your puffy clit, harshly pinching around it to push you over the edge.

you ride out your orgasm, continuing to massage your slick covered walls with the toy through the sensation, quivering from the adrenaline. cum drips from your used hole, dribbling down to your ass and staining your sheets.

Without ever touching his skin, how can I be guilty as sin?

blissfully lying in your own mess, you let the dildo slip out of you and sit between your thighs, the sheen of your arousal glistening under the sunlight of your bedroom window.

does he masturbate to the sight of you, too? has he memorized your every curve, the shape of your face, and the silk of your voice? you can't help but picture him sitting in his own bedroom, white knuckling his cock with his pink tip beading with pre-spend to the thought of you - aching for a chance to touch you.

you sigh, wiping the back of your hand across your sweat covered forehead. a surge of guilt begins to settle in-between your trembling thighs...does this define you as an obsessed, lovesick fool?

no. not in the slightest.

it's been a month, there's nothing wrong with fantasizing. you think of it as manifestation, desiring something forbidden until it's graciously presented for you to take.

and one day, you'll take him back to your apartment and into your bedroom, where you can show him just how eager you've been for him.

maybe tomorrow, you'll finally give him your number on his coffee cup.

thank you taylor for another masterpiece of poetic smut to inspire this little drabble ♡

[deathmetalunicorn1]

Hey! What do you think of the idea of ​​a reading goddess of revenge who was the one who started the entire events of Ragnarok?

Something like she started rumors about humans wanting to reveal herself by pointing out insignificant details and when it starts she goes to the humans to also incite them to fight. The reason? She used to be a respected and admired goddess, but some god - perhaps Zeus or Poseidon - humiliated her to such a degree that she was rejected, so she swore revenge on everyone.

In the end, although everyone returns, it is known that she started the conflict and she is only seen sitting on a throne above everyone, looking at them with mockery and satisfaction, knowing that if she already manipulated humans and gods once, she will do it as many times as she wants, like this. who are now cautious with her.

-You smiled cruelly, sneering down your nose at the gods and humans as they celebrate together.

-Humanity had won their salvation and as their reward, a wish was granted, and they chose to bring all those who fell in Ragnarok back to life, both humans and gods.

-You were amused, seeing that there were good humans out there, just like there were good gods, but it was the bad ones, the selfish ones, that were your bane.

-As everyone started talking about who started this tournament, as each side thought the other had started it, humans giving warrant to their destruction, and gods being selfish; while both sides were true, there was someone pulling the strings on both sides.

-Laughter filled the arena as all eyes turned to you, seeing you sitting up on a throne high above everyone else, eyes going wide.

-You looked so beautiful, laughing while holding your belly, before wiping a tear from your eyes as you smirked, “Fools~”

-Zeus and Brunnhilde’s eyes went wide as Zeus glared up at you, “Y/N! Explain yourself, were you the cause of bringing about this tournament?!”

-You clapped, mocking him, “Bravo dear Zeus, you finally figured it out~” many were stunned to learn that you had played both sides, manipulating all of them.

-You leaned your cheek on your hand, crossing one leg over the other, looking alluring, as you were just as stunning as Aphrodite.

-While many were crying up to you in outrage, wanting you to pay for your sins for putting them all through such trauma, many were saying that you deserved leniency, because someone so beautiful didn’t deserve to be punished.

-Zeus glared up at you, pointing a finger, “Why would you do such a thing?! I lost my brothers and my son in Ragnarok! Yes, they’re back now, but I could have lost them forever! Why would you do something like that?!”

-Your voice was icy and cold, glaring down at him, “Bite your tongue, Zeus. I have my reasons, you of all gods should know that.”

-His eyes narrowed in confusion at your words before they widened slightly, “Is this about that lover of yours?” Your silence was telling as many looked up to you as you unfolded your legs before standing, glaring down at him, “You know the answer to that. You gods convinced him to abandon me at the altar, all because you didn’t like that he was a human, and then you all had the gall to laugh at me.”

-Your anger, your fury, was making the arena tremble as you glared down at them, humans and gods alike, as you had seen many humans acting like your lover, easily swayed by others, abandoning their own lovers because they believed lies, and you knew the gods needed to be put in their place.

-Seeing you so furious did make many of them show throat to you, terrified of your anger as many were able to realize how easily you manipulated them, all of them, and with your charm and your wit, as well as your lust for revenge, you could easily do it again.

-Now wary of you, knowing full well of how manipulative you could be. Yes, your reasoning behind your revenge was well deserved, as you had been publically humiliated, but to go so far, willing to risk the lives of others, was a little too far.

            -Zeus, Adam, Poseidon, Hercules, Buddha, Hades, Beelzebub, Leonidas, Apollo, and Odin

-Hearing your tale, hearing of the reason behind this revenge plot, broke his heart, you had been so in love, and to hear how your lover got tricked and abandoned you, and for those who tricked you to treat you so coldly, it’s no wonder you took revenge.

            -Lu Bu, Thor, Adam, Kojiro, Shiva, Jack, Qin Shi Huang, Nikola, Hermes, and Ares

-You can manipulate him anytime you want baby~

            -Loki and Raiden

[dreamsy990]

so, re:chain of memories, huh?

warning! its been a little while since i played through recom, so the game isnt as fresh in my mind as some others. sorry for any innacuracies!

spoiler alert, this is my second favorite kingdom hearts game. at least of the ones i've played so far. i get that this isn't like. a POPULAR opinion but fuck you i have almost nothing but positives to say about it.

let's start with the easy stuff first. recom introduced a new card-based combat system. i cant compare it to the gba version, since i didn't play that, but i can say that for what its worth i DID enjoy the combat. recom is by far the hardest game so far (at least for me) and almost every boss took multiple days for me to beat, even with my hp maxed out. it took me a while to get the combat system, but id honestly love to replay the game now that i have a better understanding of how it works. the card system requires a lot of quick thinking and i get that it isnt everyones taste but its CERTAINLY mine. every fight is difficult and feels genuinely rewarding when you win. the movement, like kh1, can use a lot of work, but i wouldnt call it terrible. just kinda sluggish. i think my favorite boss fight was larxene. shes a pain in the ass but i love her.

i think riku's side dropping the deck building mechanic isnt terrible, but i wish i could reorder his deck at the very least. and the lack of healing cards is. not fun. basically any damage you take is permanent unless you HAPPEN to get mickey and its simply Not a fun time. im not very good at games okay.

i have a lot less to say about the worlds than the combat. they're definitely the worst aspect of the game, though. the idea of making worlds with cards is fine! it just leads to kind of repetitive world design. the stories are forgettable, so forgettable that i literally forgot them. and i could make a point about how thats the idea its a game all about forgetting things!! but honestly that just making excuses for it. the worlds couldve kept the idea of forgetting things without literally making them forgettable. i say this about every world, except for one. because DESTINY ISLANDS

destiny islands is just. so fucking good in recom. its the climax of both sora and rikus stories and i think theyre both amazing. id have to say i prefer rikus, soley because of the visual storytelling you get from his side of it, and thats not to say soras is bad at all. but something about zexion telling riku that its his fault his home was destroyed, as riku sees a version of himself turning into a literal monster? thats just good okay. its really good.

i ADORE the characters in this game too. everything we get from them is sooo good. it's the introduction to the organization and all of them (except lexaeus who did literally nothing) are a treat. axels my favorite ofc, but larxene is such a fun villain, you love to hate her. shes really the star of the org cast in this game. sure, axels may have said its his show now, but larxene stole the spotlight.

its namines introduction, too, and i love her. on one hand, shes just really kind. she wants a friend, she wants someone to talk to, she wants to meet sora. on the other, shes just a little bit fucked up actually. sure, shes honest with sora, but shes the tiniest little bit guilt trippy and i LOVE THAT. her response to sora saying he wants to get back his own memories and forget her is "oh okay. you want to remember your REAL friends, huh? theyre the ones who REALLY matter to you? yeah anyone would want that. no friends for namine i guess." like shes just a bit salty and we love that for her. i want slightly guilt tripping and salty namine back nomura.

but ofc one of my favorite new characters in this game HAS to be repliku. god i ADORE repliku. his hatred for riku is sooo fun and the way he fights with sora is great too. like in soras side i thought he was a neat villain but rikus side? hes amazing omfg. one of the only villains i liked in rikus story (sorry lexaeus, you werent good until days)

over all, this game certainly isnt everyones cup of tea, but its DEFINITELY mine. it's the game im most excited to replay at some point, mostly because of the amazing boss fights. 9/10. its got issues, but the story and characters are so good that i genuinely could not care less about like. most of them.

[the-kingshound]

Warning inane ramble incoming, it’ll probably be annoying I apologize. (*_ _)人 I spent the last several days reading every post here. I managed to convince myself to start liking some (sorry about that I’m sure it was annoying to get all those notifications) I have this weird thing where I get nervous about liking older posts cuz I mean it’s been a long time and it’s unprompted so that’s weird right? It feels weird like I’m doing something wrong or I’m being annoying, I considered reblogging too but somehow that felt worse? Sorry I am not good with social rules they confuse me both on and offline Idk my brain is wrong and I’m just a nervous socially anxious snail. (＞﹏＜)

Anyways just wanted to gush about how much I love it here and I’m never leaving (´꒳`) ♡ First and foremost Yniol has a special place in my heart they will forever be my favorite bestie (*＾ω＾)人(＾ω＾*), yes I am biased as my partner is grey and though they don’t play IFs they were thrilled to learn about your character! Also your writing is just phenomenal, your fans are fun and creative, your characters give such warm and positive energy I love them so much they’re perfect, the inclusivity is such chefs kiss ( ´ з `) 🤌🏻✨, the angst is delicious, the fluff is so sweet and comforting, the spice is ... very blush-worthy (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄). This has been a journey I laughed, I cried, I giggled, and I blushed and I have enjoyed every bit of it from pasta discourse to Moldien cult wars to Arthur bunnies, I’ve had the most wonderful time. Now my mind is gonna be filled with Arthurian stuff for months my maladaptive daydreaming is having the time of its life I have a road trip next week and I’m so looking forward to just staring out a window for 6+hours while my Hound's just alternating daydream adventures with the cast o(≧▽≦)o. Also speaking of your amazingly wonderful, sweet, and supportive cast I have decided my (though I love them all) favorite poly pairings are Arthur/Morien and whole crew polycule I’d sell my soul for those but I 100% understand why you can’t really do that. I don’t think I have the endurance in me to code a single poly no matter how much I wish it so the fact you’re doing any let alone several is just god tier you are awe inspiring.

Alas I have rambled far far to much I wish I could be more eloquent in expressing just how much I enjoyed experiencing all of this but for now this is the best I can do (╥ω╥). Thank you for sharing your wonderful work it’s truly a gift to experience. ଘ(੭ˊ꒳​ˋ)੭✧ I wish you wealth, health, and all the best in all your creative endeavors. -🐌

No, please please do not apologize. You made my entire week <3 This ask is straight up going into the folder where i keep my motivation to write and to be just a little proud of my work, thank you so so much for sending it.

For anyone having the same thoughts about liking or reblogging old posts: please do it. When I see the notifications, get very giddy and pleased, and I hope you are enjoying the food. Liking, and especially reblogging things, even more so if you add tags and reactons, not only fills me with glee but it also reminds me of old asks that I want to reblog again for new followers. So yeah, I love it, please feel free to go on a liking/reblogging spree!

You are so relatable for the maladaptive daydreaming (this game was absolutely born out of my own mental movies), I wish I could speed up the writing and editing for the next update so you can read it while you travel but I'm afraid it's a lost cause (I have been working on things, even now, but I am currently rewriting like half of it and while it is way better it takes sooo much time and energy). Knowing my characters and story are in someone's thoughts it the best kind of reward I need. I will never likely monetise this game, so this is the thing I wish to leave people with, and I hope the characters can be comforting and keep you company <3

You have no idea how much I would love to write the full polycule... maybe one day :,) But don't lose hope for the Arthur/Morien poly yet, as I decided to cancel the Gwyar/Morien poly and now I have a potentially free slot. In any case, awww, please know that this ask made me so happy today and will be in my thoughts as tkh is in yours.

Please have a lovely day and a lovely week and also a very lovely trip! Thank you again so so much!!

[utilitycaster]

Wow your Orym tags really are an eye-opener. You are totally right and now I understand the bitterness about this character a little better. I've seen a lot of "...but C3 is supposed to be this and that" takes and I guess a lot of people think they are owed a certain storyline?

Yeah. People feeling as though they're owed a certain storyline is not new nor exclusive to Critical Role; it's been pretty common in fandom for years (see this excellent post that I still think about). But the particular blame being placed on Orym is a fun new twist on this theme.

I'm sure there's people who hate Orym for other reasons; shipping wank is another very common form of entitlement to a particular storyline. I must admit when it comes to Twitter I think some people just yell random lies out into the void to hear their own voice because there is no underlying logic to any of it. But I do think a large number of people who have been blaming Orym for everything for what is now the majority of the campaign are doing so because he has consistetly refused to entertain the idea that Ludinus makes any valid points from the start, and the narrative has pretty much only rewarded him for that.

A lot of people really thought that Campaign 3 "all bets are off" didn't mean like, messing with the narrative structure (they hate when that happens by the way. they acted like Downfall and the Solstice Split and the fact that this has been a very plot-driven campaign rather than one about character backstory are all fucking violations of the Geneva convention the way they carried on, and I say this as a person who can complain) but rather that Critical Role, a D&D-based fantasy, would shed those pesky two previous campaigns of canon (unless of course earlier canon helps them make a point. I truly cannot believe someone made like 5 alts and harassed me and all my mutuals for an entire evening over hypocrisy for...liking one ship more than another when these idiots exist) in order to become some kind of deeply pathetic "French Revolution Except Instead Of Kings It's Gods" historical re-enactment.

We're at the point where like, nothing has validated them and everything they've claimed the gods have done, Ludinus or the Weave Mind have done like, tenfold. As mentioned, the people who were like "oh my god STOP SAYING HUBRIS anyway obviously Bells Hells would NEVER see the gods as relatable" just watched Laudna and Imogen be like "wow, they're flawed and conflicted and a fucked up family just like us." I shit you not, I saw someone criticize FCG's relationship with the Changebringer because "he had to work for it" as if that's not like...how literally all relationships work if you're not an utter black hole of entitled self-absorption. The Kreviris Imperium wants to straight up colonize all of Exandria but they turn a blind eye. There's someone out there talking about putting Rashinna's head on a pike for being willing to endanger the poor Ruidusborn children that...Liliana (probably to some extent coerced by Ludinus to be fair) could have left alone to live out their lives on Exandria. People genuinely channel some anti-abortion "but What About The Disabled Children? Shouldn't Pregnant People Be Forced To Carry And Parent Them" style arguments at Alma's "hey, we have people delay birth for like half an hour so their children don't have The Psychic Migraine Disorder That Made Imogen Possibly Suicidal". The arguments have devolved into "well, canon isn't real" and "but the status quo" as if there aren't ALIENS FROM SPACE SPEAKING AT THE DRAGON VATICAN. How STUPID do you have to be to think that wouldn't change the entire world. Or, to get back to this ask, how desperate are you to maintain the illusion that you are going to get a wish-fulfillment campaign that never once existed? So yeah. They blame Orym because otherwise they have to blame literally the entire cast, and themselves.

[catslvrr]

heaven sent — 07. the rooftop

previous | next

You woke up the next morning to the sound of rain and hushed voices from the living room.

It’s so weird that Minji is becoming friends with a messenger from God… who she thinks is my girlfriend.

You sat up, straining your ears to listen.

“Is she treating you well?” Minji’s low voice teasingly asked.

“Yeah,” you could imagine Danielle’s smile. “She is.”

I should tell her to get into acting.

“I’m surprised she’s not just brooding on your dates.”

“Why? Is she usually like that?”

You heard Minji sigh in exasperation. “Before you came, she was like a walking thunderstorm. I'm pretty sure I’m her only friend. You can imagine my shock when I found out she had a whole girlfriend. Before me, too…”

Okay, rude.

“Do you know why?”

“I know a bit,” Minji said, after a pause. “It’s probably best if you heard it from her.”

Oh.

You took that as a sign to start heading towards the bathroom before making your presence known.

“Hi guys,” you said, muffled, brushing your teeth.

“Hey,” Minji stretched and made her way toward the door. “I’m gonna head out. I’ll catch you guys later.”

She shut the door gently behind her.

“Morning,” Danielle smiled. “It’s raining today, so I guess we’re staying inside.”

You grinned, mouth full of toothpaste. “Nice.”

You quickly finished washing up and plopped yourself next to her on the couch.

“What do you usually do at home? Besides sleeping.”

“It probably sounds loser-ish, but I like doing jigsaw puzzles,” you scratched your nape. “I don’t know why, I guess it’s rewarding to see the end result.”

She sat up enthusiastically. “That sounds fun! Do you have any puzzles you haven’t started?”

“Yeah,” you felt relieved at her response. “It’s this really pretty city at night. It’s in my room.”

“I’ll make cereal for you and bring it in while you find the puzzle.” You hated how her thoughtfulness made your throat dry.

You both lay on your stomachs on the floor of your room, spreading out the pieces.

“You’ve told me about the structure, but what’s the work culture like in heaven?” You shoved a spoon full of cereal in your mouth.

“It’s nice,” she mused. “Everyone’s always gossiping about their human.”

“Have you gossiped about me yet?” You eyed her curiously.

“Maybe.” She stuck her tongue out childishly. “Not telling you what I said.”

“Why not?” You whined. “Surely I’m not that bad.”

She zipped her mouth shut.

“Fine,” you rolled your eyes, internally celebrating when you finished the border of the puzzle. “Do you ever have free time in heaven?”

“We don’t really have free time,” she pouted. “When we’re done with one wish, we almost immediately get assigned another.”

“No wonder why you force me to go out everyday. You must be having a blast with me then,” you smiled smugly.

“You’re awfully confident for someone who just sleeps all day.”

“Not true,” you frowned, flicking a piece at her forehead. “I have been obediently waking up at seven on the dot every morning.”

“I guess I can give you that.”

The two of you worked in silence for a while, enjoying each other's company. Honestly, you were doing most of the work, while Danielle seemed to be deep in thought. She was now lying on her back, staring at the ceiling, preoccupied with her own thoughts.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

She stopped twirling the puzzle piece with her fingers.

“I know you heard Minji and I this morning.”

“Oh.” You clicked a piece in. “Was it your angel powers?”

“Something like that.”

You clicked another piece in. “What do you want to know about?”

“Everything,” she said. “I always want to know everything about you.”

Do you care because you like me or because you have to?

“It’s a long sob story,” you warned.

“We have time,” she replied, glancing at the window, rain still pattering gently against it.

You hummed in acknowledgment, clicking another piece in as Danielle watched you intently. You took some time to form the right words. Where do I begin?

“My mom and I didn’t have the best relationship growing up.”

“Really?” She furrowed her eyebrows. “Based on the stories you told, I thought…”

“Grief has a funny way of changing your perspective,” you smiled wryly. “I choose to talk about the good parts. I still remember the bad, of course.”

You stamped a piece down. “My parents weren’t rich. They sacrificed a lot to get me to where I am today. All they ever wanted was to see me successful, live a better life than they did. They taught me what hard work and discipline was.”

“They raised you well,” she said softly.

You nodded. “My mom was the most ambitious person I knew. I guess she wanted to pass that trait on to me. My childhood was spent mostly doing extracurriculars — tutoring, debating, volunteering, all that kinda stuff. When I was seven, she signed me up for piano classes.”

You both looked at the keyboard in your room, neglected and covered with dust.

“At first, I was fine with it. She was visibly proud of me, for once. But then, it became more serious. I had to practice a few hours everyday, had to start learning music theory, going to these concerts, taking exams…”

You sighed. “It was like the breaking point for me. It was too much. I hated it. I tried to tell my mom, but she wouldn’t listen. She would just say ‘It’s good for you’ and ‘Don’t you want to make me happy?’ It caused a rift in our relationship.”

“And your dad?”

“He just stood by and watched. He’s a person of little words.”

“Oh.”

“I couldn’t talk to her without an argument starting,” you clenched your jaw. “We both grew bitter. Argued about anything and everything. This went on for years. And one day, I just stopped playing. I refused to go to lessons. Refused to touch the piano at all. She tried everything: taking away my phone, guilt-tripping me, giving me the cold shoulder. But nothing worked. She gave up eventually.”

You felt a familiar burning sensation in your throat. Danielle shuffled closer and grabbed your hands, squeezing it. “We didn’t talk for a while. Days turned to weeks. I tried to mend our relationship, do anything to make her proud of me again. But our stubbornness always got the better of us. Then one day…”

You took in a shaky breath. “I was in school, and I got a call. I think you can guess what happens next.”

She said nothing, pulling you in for a hug. You exhaled quietly, closing your eyes as you felt hot tears stream down your face.

“After her passing, I resented her,” you muttered. “Why wasn’t I ever enough? That anger, it helped me, for a while. It was the only way I could live with the regret of leaving our relationship like that. As soon as I could, I packed my bags, left, and never looked back. That’s how I ended up here now.”

You pulled back and looked at the keyboard. “Bought that impulsively. Thought it would help me get over it, but I haven’t had the courage to touch it since. I learned to play the guitar instead. It’s hiding in my closet.”

Danielle’s watery eyes met yours. “Maybe it’s time to try again.”

You managed a small smile. “Maybe.”

“Thank you for telling me,” she bit the inside of her cheek. “And I know it doesn’t mean much coming from me, but I think she would’ve been proud of who you’ve become.”

“No,” you murmured, feeling that familiar ache in your heart. “It means everything.”

She handed you a tissue, to which you gratefully accepted and wiped your tears away.

“Let’s finish this puzzle.” You clicked another piece in, your heart feeling lighter. “And maybe I'll play you a song.”

“Damn,” Danielle stood up, admiring the completed puzzle. “We did an amazing job.”

“Who’s we?” you scoffed. “I did an amazing job.”

“Same difference,” she shrugged, rushing over to violently open your closet. You rolled your eyes at her lack of patience and respect for privacy.

She pulled your guitar out, eyes shining in excitement. She strummed, recoiling back at how off-tune it was. “You weren’t lying when you said it’s been a while.”

You smiled, leaning down to connect your keyboard and power it on. You stretched your fingers, blowing off dust before pressing down on the keys, adjusting your fingers to a familiar shape.

You bit your lip, playing some scales. “It feels so weird.” You turned to face her. “Any song requests?”

“What?” She frowned in confusion. “You can play any song?”

“I have perfect pitch,” you mumbled. “So, kind of..”

She gasped, grabbing your shoulder and shaking it. “Please play a song from Frozen.”

“Oh my god,” you pinched the bridge of your nose. “Anything but that.”

She stared at you with puppy eyes.

“Fine.”

You hummed the melody of For The First Time in Forever to yourself, feeling out the chords of the song, before beginning to play it.

Danielle leaned over your shoulder, eyes widened and jaw dropped. She was speechless for the whole song. Your fingers were clumsy and stumbled on some parts, but she didn’t seem to mind.

“So,” you dragged out once you played the final note. “Not bad for a rusty old-timer, right?”

“Not bad?” She screeched. “That was amazing!”

You winced at her shouting, but smiled shyly. “Thanks.”

“I can't believe you have perfect pitch,” she said, starstruck. “Have you considered composing music?”

“I used to,” you grabbed the guitar off the bed and fiddled with the tuning keys. “I just couldn’t find inspiration, so nothing really became of it.”

“Well, you have me now,” she grinned, pulling a chair up next to you. “And I have plenty of ideas.”

You quirked an eyebrow. “Didn’t peg you for a musician.”

“We listened to tons of music when studying about Earth,” she puffed her cheeks. “From Tchaikovsky to Queen to Nicki Minaj to LOONA. The whole bunch.”

“Alright,” you smiled, opening up your laptop. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

You leaned back on your chair and pressed play, both of you nodding your head along to the instrumental.

“The synths are so pretty,” she gushed. “And you did an amazing job with the riff.”

“This song is so you,” you chuckled. “Upbeat and groovy.”

“Good job, me.” You coughed back a scoff as Danielle patted herself on the back. You relaxed your shoulders, stretching your arms and cracking your knuckles.

“Huh,” you said, staring outside. “It stopped raining.”

“Let’s go out!” She exclaimed, grabbing your hand. “Do you know the spot?”

You looked at her, confused. “What?”

“The spot?” She scratched her head. “A spot? The other messengers said that humans always have ‘a spot’ or something.”

“Oh,” you smiled. She’s so cute. “Yeah, I do.”

“Great!” she squealed, pulling you outside. “Let’s go!”

“Wow,” Danielle exhaled as she leaned against the rail of the rooftop, looking down to the city below.

“It’s always pretty at night,” you moved next to her, reaching your hand out to feel the light breeze. “Especially after it rains. The lights reflect so much better on the wet roads.”

“I see what you mean.”

“Whenever I used to come up here,” you watched the cars drive by and people walk past below, “I liked picking a person and coming up with their story. Like I was God.”

She smirked, “God?”

“Like that guy,” you pointed at a random man, who was leaning against a street pole, hands tucked in his pocket. “Bet you his name is Sebastian.”

“Sebastian?” she frowned. “No, it’s definitely Jerry.”

“Fine,” you conceded. “He’s waiting for a friend. They have this weird tradition where they meet once a month to discuss whether crocodiles are real or not.”

She tilted her head. “I can see that. I think he’s the type to believe that they don’t exist.”

The man was now pacing back and forth, talking to someone on the phone. You gasped. “His friend just called. He has to cancel because his girlfriend wants a date night.”

“But,” Danielle continued dramatically. “The girlfriend works at a zoo, where she sees crocodiles everyday, so she’s constantly telling the boyfriend to stay away from Jerry, claiming that he’s too weird. That’s why the friend is avoiding him, making excuses to skip their tradition.”

You smiled as she played along. “You’re surprisingly good at this.”

“Surprisingly?” She feigned offense. “I’m good at everything.”

After your laughter died down, it was silent again, both of you taking in the view below. You turned to your side to face her, marveling at how pretty she looked.

“Danielle,” you said her name like a prayer. She turned, the two of you now facing each other.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for this past week,” you smiled sincerely. “You make things feel so… easy.”

She shook her head. “I didn’t do anything. I just forced you to go outside.”

You bit your lip. “Well, it’s been a while since I’ve felt so happy. So, thank you.” You edged closer to her, her gaze snapping towards your hand that was now on top of hers.

Fuck it.

You leaned forward and kissed her. Your lips met gently, and you pulled her closer by the shirt to deepen the kiss. For a second, you felt her kissing you back.

She suddenly jerked back, eyes swirling with guilt.

“Danielle,” you whispered. “I really like-”

“Don’t,” she said, voice cracking. “Don’t finish that sentence.”

Your heart dropped. “Why?”

“We can’t,” she said, voice strained, shaking her head. “I can’t.”

She started to step away, further from you.

“Wait,” you reached out to her. “Listen to me-”

“I can’t.”

Just as your fingers brushed against her wrist, she turned and disappeared, leaving you with the echo of your heartbeat ringing in your ears.

You couldn’t sleep that night, tossing and turning, your mind filled with unanswered questions and the ghost of her lips on yours.

previous | next

[davi-doo]

Why did Gortash need an equal?

Pardon me if someone already shared similar Durgetash headcanons and speculations, but this idea has been marinated in my brain for a while and Patch 6 crumbs just made me do this.

So we all know how Gortash repeatedly stated that he needs an equal, not another underling. Through Durgetash's lenses we can easily write it off as his love and trust for Durge, but it's true that Gortash would offer his alliance to Tav as well. Either cases, it is indeed unlikely for the Chosen of Bane to have this intention of sharing power, and even acted on it in the most straight-forward manner possible.

It got me thinking this man must be stressed to his last leg if nothing else, and he's exhausted with his own webs of control. We know Gortash for his genius, but the further he climbs towards the tyrannt of the year award under the Banite cult, the more weighted decisions he has to make, and the more chesspieces he must move to perfect precision. I have no doubt he has plenty of brilliant minds and powerful forces under his thumb, but like the "a machine can only be as smart as the person who created it" kind of dilemma, it's ultimately still Gortash being alone in his grand design.

As a cherry on top, Bane allows no failure. Much as I'd like to thinks of him as a power-hungry individual whose ambition knows no limit, there must be a tipping point where the suffering and the constant state of terror working under an evil god must outweight the rewards he promises. And there's no way out, his soul can only return to Bane after his death. The only thing he can have control over is to face Bane in triumph.

So he needs an equal, someone who can act independently from him with no less brilliance. Someone who thinks and functions in a different way than himself, to see and fill in the gap of his web.

Now I really wish the game could let us actually contribute more to this alliance. Let us scheme with him, give him ideas about the afterwards.

[cerise-on-top]

Hi!! This might be awkward because it's my first time requesting something but I'll try my best.

Could you write a Fem!Reader x Farah where the reader is a Belly Dancer?

Just them meeting and feeling a spark between them. I'm a dancer and it would mean the world to me.

Thanx in advance!

Hey there! I went a little wild with that one since I've been wanting to write something a bit more elaborate for a while now, hope you don't mind =)

Farah with a Belly-Dancer!Reader

The chill of the evening made you shiver, its breeze gently caressing your skin as though you were a lover long lost. And yet, your performance continued as the audience cheered for you. Four evenings you had been performing now, calming the minds and souls of the weary freedom fighters that battled demons each day, trying to gain their freedom from their cruel oppressors. In the darkness of the night, you danced, giving them a glimpse of hope, showing them what they’re fighting for: A future in which neither man nor woman, adult nor child, had to fear for their life. A future in which everyone was treated as equal with love and compassion. From the ashes of war, that future would arise, growing, nurtured by the community found in the broken homes of the people crying for help. You were there to remind the fighters that that was the life to be had once all of this was over.

A small celebration it was, with many having gone to bed, dreaming of green plains among which their children would play. But not you. You would dance the night away. For as long as you could move, for as long as you could improve someone’s night, you would continue to dance. Your graceful movements, paired with the drums of another, made for quite the spectacle. Although tired, the people cheered for you to continue, to entertain them with your entire being. Those fights riddled them with fear, engraving into their hearts emblems of terror, but you dulled the pain, if just for the duration of which you performed your heart out. The rewards weren’t applause, whistles and flowers being thrown at your feet, it was tomorrow. A tomorrow that was one day closer to being ideal. One day, the wars would be over, but until then you shall hold on.

And the chill of the evening almost made her shiver as well. Farah took notice of the gathering of people over at the building, convening in front of it as though offerings to praise the gods were being made. But there was no such thing, for a benevolent and kind deity would never allow this many of her brothers and sisters to fall. And yet, her curiosity betrayed her in that she turned to look at the blissful scene. As her people clapped along to the music, she felt intrigued. Who was it that brought joy in such dark times? Who would bring about such bright smiles? Who would make those soldiers feel at ease during times of war? It must have been someone, who had lost their mind, evidently. And yet, there was a sense of gratitude. Why wallow in misery, one day it will all have been worth it. One day, those uncertain times would finally be over and they could finally rebuild their cities from the rubble, that, which has been so unfairly been laid waste to.

And among that stage was something Farah would have never believed, had she not seen it with her own eyes. A trick of the dim light, perhaps. Maybe even a phantom, sent to entice her. She was strong, much more so than even her closest companions would believe, but what she saw on stage gave her a feeling of contentment. There was no certainty you were real, perhaps you were an illusion caused by her fears and worries, perhaps you were a foul demon that sought to get her off her path of righteousness. Either way, you were ethereal. The passion behind your movements was enough to convince her that you must have been some greater being. You brought cheer and happiness to the almost hopeless. Oh, how Farah wished she could have gone onto that stage, show her chivalrous side and protect you from all harm. But her mission would allow her to do so anyway.

And what you saw almost made you freeze in place. A woman, hardened by the battles she’s fought and won, but the kindness in her eyes was very much there. She was rough around the edges, she had been beaten down so many times, but she never ceased to fight, she never ceased to do what was right. For herself and the people she believed in. From below, she stared right back at you, her eyes sparkling brighter than the stars above. Although you had recognized her from hearsay, you never would have thought you would get to see her in person, much less have someone of such importance watch your performance. It was the incentive you needed, the energy boost given to you after a small break, that invigorated you. You were born anew under her gaze, a warm feeling overcoming you. And just like that, just because that woman watched you with such intent, you could continue to dance the night away.

But even as that youthful joy began to settle in your heart, you felt the urge to talk to that woman. She, who had no name you knew of so far, had captivated you in a way you couldn’t describe as you were. Perhaps the gods knew what it was you were feeling, but you, a mere mortal, lacked the understanding. And thus, as the masses slowly began to disperse, seeking the warmth of rest, you stepped off the stage for just a moment. There she was, her arms crossed, and yet she seemed approachable. With a gentle smile, she waved you over. In a world where most deities seem to leave humanity to fend for its own, why would a goddess of beauty, love and war come to call you, of all people? It was an enigma you had naught but an inkling of a reason. And yet, despite all the wars she’s fought in, she seemed to be so kind. Your heart was drawn to hers.

“Your performance was really nice.” Her voice, sweeter than sugar trapped in honey, enticed you. Her melodious voice beckoned you closer, and you followed suit.

“Thank you, that’s very kind of you. You’re the commander, right? It’s an honor to meet you. I’m Y/N.” Almost shy in your approach, but you seemed more fierce than a lion defending his own kin. Although you held no guns, you fought for your beliefs in your own ways. How admirable.

Farah may not have been a believer of destiny, thinking that one could only carve one’s own path as the world would do whatever it took to prevent one from achieving the greatest of things, but it felt as though her and you had been intertwined. Oh, what cruelly sweet fate had brought you together? What made you meet under these circumstances? But perhaps fate had brought you together for a reason?

And for the first time that evening, the both of you could finally share in the warmth of a new companionship.

[waterdeep-weavemoss]

@dreamingofthewild you wanted me to do the 'give me a character' thing with Astarion. Thank you 💜 I'm putting how I feel at the end. mentions of abuse/trauma. so.

All the people I ship romantically with this character - Let's see... Wyll and Shadowheart. Wyll because canonically they have a huge crush on each other and it would also be so incredibly funny for sweet upstanding pride of the gate Wyll to be with him when Astarion lives for causing chaos. Shadowheart because I think they could really help each other. Astarion would help her with her memory issues and confronting her past actions and how it's not her fault, and she'd help him understand that he's worth more than his body. I think also that both of them could learn gentle loving touch when both of them have been forced to torture and kill.

My non-romantic OTP for this character - Karlach. I almost put her in the romantic option but she desperately wants intimacy including sex and Astarion would rather not have so much, and I really think if they were in a relationship he'd just want to please her and would struggle to say no. Not because she would pressure him in any way just because he would want to fulfill her needs as well. And also Gale. I've said before, they're so similar. I couldn't ship them romantically because I feel like they'd just make each other worse. Both of them are so ambitious and want to be safe but they are looking in the wrong places for it and I think they'd drag each other down the dark path.

My unpopular opinion about this character - He doesn't woobify himself so we shouldn't either. He says he would've killed you, if you'd met at a different time. And he's right. It takes months for him to grow into a person who looks out for others. I suppose it's also unpopular to say I loathe ascended Astarion, and that includes batstarion and all of that. It's not cute. What he represents is disgusting and it is so clear to me as an abuse survivor who was abused BY another survivor that the Ascendant is a hollow caricature of the man Astarion is. It's not 'keeping him low' to have him remain a spawn. It's allowing him to keep his humanity and sweetness and build on it to become a better person for himself and others. The Ascendant is a wreck. He's more broken after the ritual than he ever was before it.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon - I think we all wish he could be cured but I wish he could also just settle somewhere? Like have a home base that he and Tav (or Durge) adventure from. Maybe outside of Baldur's Gate. Maybe in Waterdeep.

How I feel about this character - I have many, many complex feelings about Astarion. I staked him in my first playthrough because his mean streak really got my back up and annoyed me. On my next playthrough I gave him a chance this time and it felt so incredibly rewarding to get 'ah, my favourite travelling companion' in act 2. It felt like making friends with a mean cat. And then we got to Cazador. Cazador, who was so close to my own pathetic, power hungry, posturing abuser that it took my breath away a little bit. Cazador who like my own abuser would lock Astarion away because he couldn't have freedom. Who said they were family even as he hurt him. Even as he moulded him into someone else from who he had been. Someone Astarion- and I- could never go back to. Someone to mourn, when it was all over. His death is still my favourite thing in this game. I always itch for the Cazador fight as soon as I get to act 3. Seeing Astarion stab him repeatedly? Yeah. I wish I could too. But when he fell to his knees and scream sobbed... yeah. I've been there. My god I cried with him. And I was so proud of him, too. Realising he could be better than what he made him. Yeah. Then I romanced him, and was floored by how this mean, dismissive, manipulative man softens into someone not only gentle but sweet. Someone who wants desperately to love but doesn't know how, but will try, for this one person. The way he understands exactly what's happening if you enter into the pact with Haarlep, and tells Tav he's sorry, he's been there, it's not their fault and they shouldn't have to just put up with it and not to suffer alone. The way he is the ONLY person to truly understand Durge and urges them to be better if they're resisting. He was not the person I thought would be telling me, the player, what I needed to hear, and every time I just felt cracked open. That we aren't shackled to our pasts. That sometimes you never get the apology you deserve and you need to be okay with that for your own sake. That the person you are now is what counts, but you must confront the person you were and lay them to rest. He is so ride or die for the player character if you put in the time and effort for him that it just blows my mind. The minute Tav or Durge is threatened he's in his feral little crouch ready to fight for them, because they fought for him, too. That got a little out of hand. But I love Astarion so much. His story gave me the courage to start setting my own hard boundaries and as a result I broke off a five year friendship that was making my hair fall out from stress, and a few months later quit my PhD because it was ruining not only my wellbeing but also my love of writing and reading. And now I'm doing so much better. And the catalyst was Astarion's story. So yeah. I don't care if people hate him. He quite honestly changed my life. 'You're not alone in this. None of us are.'

[pacifymebby]

the peaky boys with their own personal nurse/cheerleader that can handle violence but doesn't fight themselves just patches them up and tell them how good they did with a smile on their face

Loved this idea thank u for sending it in anon ❤️❤️❤️

Tommy

🌿 Not used to having a woman encourage him to violence? The first time he hears you say it "You are gonna kill em aren't you Tommy?" the "Aye love, I am gonna kill him..." he breathes, is almost incredulous. And when you say "Good," with a satisfied little smile his lips actually part and he's speechless.

🌿 He always discourages you "Shouldn't wish violence upon others angel, it goes against god..." but secretly he enjoys hearing you mumble "Fuck god," likes the way you cross your arms defiantly. "Atta girl,"

🌿 But he does always question you, he can't understand how a delicate creature like yourself could be so impressed by the violent things he does

🌿 You are though, it turns you on, being with a dangerous man, makes you feel dangerous yourself.

🌿You did once ask him to teach you how to shoot but before the sentence had fully left your lips he'd covered your mouth with his hand.

🌿"no, fuckin no... Don't you dare finish that sentence and don't you ever ask me again..."

🌿You could tell from his sharp tone and the knife like look in his eyes that you would regret defying him, so you accepted your place beside him, cheering him on but never committing an act of violence yourself.

🌿And over time Tommy grows to appreciate your violent streak, the way you never beg him to spare someone, the way you never cry when he says he has to go away... You're never scared he won't come back because you have complete faith in him.

🌿 And he especially appreciates that your fearlessness means that no matter what state he comes back to you in, you're always ready to stitch and patch him up. The sight of his blood doesn't make you feel faint or sick.

🌿"Bloods just evidence you put up a good fuckin fight," "Aye angel, reckon i did..." "That means you won doesn't it," he likes the devilish little smile which tugs on your lips whenever you find out the details of a fight.

🌿 But Tommys still Tommy so he doesn't share all the details with you.

🌿And if he didnt "win" and hes come back to you pissed off and all bloodied up you still patch him up with a smile on your face, telling him next time will be different, next time they wont be so lucky.

🌿He likes having someone believe in him so completely but he worries that one day he'll let you down.

Alfie

🐻 Isn't going to tell you about what happened, is going to tease you about the fact youre so interested.

🐻 "now what youve got me wondering here y/n, is... Right... Is why someone like you ey... Someone who's good and sweet and... Pure" "Not pure," "yeah alright alright sweetheart... Not exactly pure.. But still good right... why would someone as sweet as you want to know about somet as rotten and bad as all that..."

🐻 Enjoys the fuss you make over him, likes that youre his personal nurse, definitely pretends it doesnt hurt as much as it really does, but definitely always pretends hes youve missed somewhere you havent just to keep you there a little longer...

🐻 "well hang on a minute sweetheart what about here right? Whst about here?" pointing to his cheek, or his crotch...

🐻 But he's done so well and you think he deserves rewarding for all his hard work, even if he is a bad bad man.

🐻 A lot of these patching up sessions become intimate... You trailing your hand down his chest, past his now packed up wounds, to his trousers, nimble fingers unbuttoning and slipping inside.

🐻 All the more passionate if the trouble had anything to do with you...

🐻 Youre always telling him how proud of him you are and he loves to hear you say things like "My Alfies so strong and mean, he can do anything he likes..."

🐻 "Is that right sweetheart is that right... What if what i like... Is you?" hands on your hips pulling you back towards him.

🐻 Hes your big strong teddy bear who's mean to everyone but you and you know youre always safe with him, because he always wins a fight, one way or another he'll never lose.

Arthur

🍂 Doesnt need encouraging really does he...

🍂 For so long he was terrified of you seeing him be violent, he'd hold himself back in front of you for fear you'd be disgusted by the 'monster' he felt like he became.

🍂 But one day youre with him down the Garrison and a fight breaks out. You can see Arthur desperately trying to withold his animalistic instincts...

🍂 So you squeeze his hand, stand on your tiptoes and whisper in his ear

🍂 "Don't hold back on my account Arthur Shelby, know you want to kill him... This is your fuckin garrison eh?"

🍂 So he lets loose and he does exactly as he wants to... Restores peace in the most violent of ways and you'd be lying if you said it didn't excite you just a little seeing how formidable and fierce your man can be

🍂 But when he comes down from the adrenaline, he feels that familiar shame again, the guilt of what he's done, questioning whether he really is just a good for nothing animal. He tries to get away from you, out of your sight because hes so ashamed but you rush to him

🍂 "Arthur Shelby where do ye think youre going?!" you grab him by the shirt collar and before you do anything else you plant a passionate kiss on his mouth, holding onto him like your life depends on it.

🍂 "Did so fuckin good arthur, bastard had it coming, you did so fuckin good."

🍂 Patching him up involves struggling to keep your hands off him, taking his face in your hands, deep kisses.

🍂Fucking him slowly to calm him down

John

🌼 You've been patching john up after scrapes and tumbles since you were both just kids so you're both used to the routine by now.

🌼Even if the injuries are somewhat more serious now... You were never one to squirm at the sight of blood. Only change from your childhood is that now when John comes back with a bloody lip, he doesnt have to beg you to kiss it better.

🌼 You arent averse to violence but you do get scared when you see a fight break out... You've guns and knives to worry about, youre not kids anymore.

🌼So youre always relieved to be cleaning him up after a fight, at least youve got him there with you to clean up.

🌼 You get worried one day he'll bite off more than he can chew but whenever you tell him that he just makes a joke out of it... "what with this big mouth? Nah love" gnashes his teeth at you to prove the point and make you laugh.

🌼His adrenaline from the fight and your adrenaline from worrying leads to some passionate scenes once hes bandaged up.

🌼 You think hes a fucking idiot but hes your idiot and you wouldnt change things for the world.

🌼 And you always tell him youre proud of him, hes never going to let you down, youre sure of that.

🌼 Your voice has been heard on more occasions than one to be shouting from a crowd of onlookers... "come on John boy, where it fuckin hurts!"

🌼And sometimes youre the reason he decides not to hold back... "I'd throttle him for that if i were you..."

🌼So half of small heath fears youre just as wild as him...

🌼 And you might have a wild flame burning inside you, but for the most part youre a gentle soul who always takes care of her man with a smile on her face.

Bonnie

🍀You just couldnt be a fighters girl if you got upset over a bit of blood... Thats something youve had to remind Bonnie of many times

🍀Because he always expects you to wince when you see him after a fight, or get scared when you watch him in the ring, especially when hes fixing a match for tommy and hes practically letting himself get hurt.

🍀But no, youre not bothered by a bit of blood, you're a gypsy girl and youve seen worse..

🍀And you're the loudest voice yelling encouragement for him from the crowd, youre always bursting with pride for him and you wouldnt miss one of your boys fights for the whole world.

🍀 Its your voice which really gets him riled up, gives him that extra shot of adrenaline to get him through a tough fight.

🍀You always patch him up after a fight, he won't let anyone else do it. Likes how careful with him you are.

🍀 "youve got healing hands little dove,"

🍀Pretends to be more hurt than he is because he enjoys how you spoil him with affection and sympathy.

🍀The other reason youre the only one who is allowed to patch him up, is that no one quite stokes his ego like you do. Telling him how amazing he did, how proud of him you are. How good he looked up there in the ring.

🍀Aberama thinks you're daft and tells you as much "That boys got you wrapped round his little finger love..." and you know its a little true.

🍀But after awhile Bonnie will send everyone else away, leaving just the two of you alone... Because all your careful little touches and your sympathy makes him needy for his little dove.

🍀" show me how proud of your fighter you are dove..."

🍀Its different if its Peaky Fighting though, that does scare you a little. You are scared he'll get himself killed one day and you don't like Tommy Shelby, you dont trust him and you don't think Bonnie should either.

🍀It doesnt stop you giving him that encouragement though, it just sounds a little different. "You're not gonna let em get you Bon..." "Make sure you come back to me in one piece," and when he does come back to you and the injuries aren't too serious and hes definitely alright, you put your head against yours, all relieved smiles and say things like "thank you, thank you for coming back to me,"

🍀You're very proud of him/to be his and youre always reminding him that you're his girl. "My fighter boys gonna be the most famous fighter in the world,"

Isaiah

🐀You knew what you were getting yourself into dating a peaky boy so youre not shocked when he comes back to you with the odd split lip or brow.

🐀Most of the time youre there to witness the fighting anyway, you never flinch when you see him getting hurt, you never scream or make a fuss, you wouldnt want to distract him from his work

🐀Youre not a violent girl but youre supportive of your mans work and if theres peaky enemies on the streets its him you trust to get rid of them, you make no secret of that amd you tell him all the time.

🐀"Don't show em any mercy," "You show em, you don't fuck with the peaky blinders..."

🐀If Isaiah isnt worrying then you don't either, no matter how many cuts and bruises there are, unless he tells you to worry you never will. You dont know if that means youre just as reckless as him, or whether it means you just trust him completely and without question.

🐀Either way, he doesnt have to worry about scaring you and when youre patching him up he tells you he's proud of you for being such a brave/strong girl. He loves that youre fearless.

🐀He also loves knowing he wont get into trouble with you for fighting, that you'll want to know all the details.

🐀He enjoys telling you exactly whst happened, your excitement inflates his ego and he might even exagerate his own role in the fight just to impress you more.

🐀Is very cheeky to you, "Aren't you going to thank me for keeping you safe from all those bad men..." and by thank he means fuck.

🐀And youre always happy to oblige, you especially like getting down on your knees and taking him in your mouth.

Michael

☘️Between you and his mother he's sick of being fussed over actually. He rolls his eyes at the two of you and is sullen the whole time youre patching him up

☘️Mostly because his mother is going mad at him for even being involved in the kind of peaky business that gets you shot at.

☘���But youre not mad at him, youre proud of your man for making a name of himself as a blinder.

☘️When you first rush to him youre smiling, you want to know everything that happened and hear him tell you about how good he fought

☘️But one look from Polly shuts you up and wipes that smile clean off your face.

"Silly girl! Michael don't you listen to a word that child says, you don't fuckin get yourself into anymore of these bloody fights alright?" "Aye alright mum alright"

☘️But he shares a look with you, a cheeky little smirk which tells you to be patient, thst he'll tell you everything just as soon as his mothers gone.

☘️Polly doesnt leave until shes satisfied he is alright, "And don't you go putting any ideas in my sons head, no encouragement!"

☘️Youre scared of Polly Gray but not scared enough to stop you asking questions the second she leaves the room.

☘️ He tells you everything but he definitely exagerates his part in the fight and how well he did just to impress you and get you excited.

☘️Whilst hes telling you hes touching you, carressing you, trying to excite you in more ways than one. Takes you to bed and fucks you hard, taking all his frustrations out on you.

☘️Afterwards you straddle him, looking down at him, begging him to tell you again about how good he fought, how strong he is.

[screechthewriter]

Firestorm | a god of war fanfic

part three of four:

When Kratos arrived in town, he was greeted by more stares. They seemed genuinely surprised to see him alive. He ignored them, limping past and back to the old man’s house.

The Blades would return, he knew. When they did, he would bury them, recover, and move on. The plan had not changed. He would simply avoid going upriver.

Or perhaps downriver, if the beast was moving that way.

Maybe it would be better if I stayed away from the river entirely.

He was checking the injury again when the old man returned. There was someone else with him—a man who was only just starting to go grey. He seemed wary about being in the same space as Kratos. Kratos had planned to ignore him, assuming that he was some guest of the old man’s, but...

“My friend here was hoping to have a word with you,” the old man said.

“No,” Kratos said immediately.

“You haven’t even heard what he wants to say.”

Kratos glared at the old man. “Answer me this: has anyone survived that beast before?”

“You would be the first to engage it in direct combat and live.”

“Then I know what he wants. He views me as their best chance of defeating the beast and wants my help. The answer is no. I have other matters to attend to.”

The old man hummed quietly, then turned back to the visiting man. They had a brief conversation; the meaning of their words was lost to Kratos, but the conversation went on far too long for Kratos’s liking. Eventually, the old man spoke again. “Have you determined how you will be navigating the river?”

“I will not be navigating the river.”

“If you defeat the monster, there are those in this town willing to take you anywhere you wish to go. Free food and passage." The old man tilted his head slightly. "I can promise you, whatever you're running from, you'll outrun it faster on water than by foot."

Kratos stood, so suddenly that he should have collapsed from either pain or a rush of lightheadedness. The thing that kept him moving was his rage, a sudden stab of it coursing through his body at the old man’s words. "What concern is it of yours what I am running from?!" he snarled.

The visiting man cowered. He may not have known Kratos, known what he was exactly, but from the look in his eyes, he knew exactly what he was looking at. Something powerful. Something monstrous.

The old man, though…

Next thing Kratos knew, there was a wooden staff pressing against his chest, right over his heart. The old man stood much closer, blue eyes calm on the surface, with something...different underneath. Not fear, not anger...authority. He spoke first to the visitor, causing the other man to flee. Then…

"I will not be spoken to with that tone in my own home," he said calmly. His tone held the same authority of his eyes, calm and unconcerned. Kratos recognized it from his days in the agōgē. The teachers he feared and respected most were always the calm ones. The men who did not need to raise their voices to make their positions clear.

He might have hated hearing that tone here and now, from some mortal old fool he barely knew. But despite himself—despite all his other urges to the contrary—he could not bring himself to speak. Hear what he has to say, whispered some buried part of him, the young footsoldier of long ago. Just listen.

"You're right, Greek. It is none of my concern what you are running from. At the end of the day, I will continue on as I have regardless of whether you live or kill yourself. But…" His eyes examined Kratos's face. "...why is it so difficult for you to believe that I am simply being altruistic? Has there really been no one who has helped you with no hope of reward?"

Lysandra. Atreus. Orkos, to a degree. All dead. Kratos's mouth felt dry at the memories of them. Two gone by his hand, one lost to cruel fate. He could not even speak their names aloud.

"It is, of course, your choice. I cannot force you. Only remind you that you are in an unfamiliar land and could do with making some allies." The old man finally stepped back. "And ask yourself what you're really running from while you’re at it."

The old man's gaze slid from Kratos to a corner behind him. Kratos did not have to ask. He knew from the throbbing pain in his leg, the sense of foreboding gripping at his skull.

The Blades were back.

Kratos walked over to them, picking one up. It fit perfectly in his hand, comfortably, as if the hilt had molded to his hand. A vision flashed before his eyes: walking back to the river, driving the blade into the beast's skull, slashing its gut and letting the entrails spill out.

The blood…

Lysandra's blood, Calliope's blood, so much blood. He could already feel it on his skin, mixing with their ashes. The beast was just a beast, he knew that, but he had not used these weapons since Olympus. Had not fully tasted his rage since he destroyed his home. He buried the Blades like he buried his rage because if he tasted blood again…

Would he stop?

"Your people do not want the help of a cursed man," Kratos said.

He picked up the other blade and walked out the door. The old man did not follow.

It was foolish of him to stay outside, Kratos knew. The heat of the day still made him sick, and his leg would heal faster with rest. But he could not bring himself to go back. He sat in the meager shade of the rocks and stared out over the town, and the river just beyond it.

The river that could bring him either freedom or damnation.

Loathe as he was to admit it, the old man had a point. He had travelled south with no real plan, nothing on his mind except escaping his past. Instead, he was hunted, battered by the environment, and no closer to finding peace. Perhaps running from the Blades, running from himself and his darker urges, was to be his eternal punishment. Perhaps he should learn to accept that. That did not mean he had to bring further hardship on himself. He could find more efficient ways to run. Better ways.

Perhaps this river was one of them.

It is only a beast, Kratos told himself. His hands clenched and unclenched into fists. You have killed many like it before. It is an animal to be hunted. You do not have to…

You won't…

But could he really tell himself that? As much as he wanted to believe it, he didn't know if it was true. It seemed whenever he tasted blood, he couldn't stop. Man or beast, did it matter? Especially when the beast was as strong as this one?

He sat there as the day cooled. Even the lowering heat was not enough to soothe his mind. Eventually, when the chill turned from a comfort and to a nuisance, he returned to the old man’s home. The old man said nothing to him. Only continued scratching away at his tablet.

“...what’s so important that you have to write it down?” Kratos asked, despite himself.

The old man smiled slightly. “A great many things,” he said.

Kratos should not have been so annoyed back a lack of conversation, but something about that smile made him feel mocked. It was possible that was not the old man’s intent, but it was enough to make Kratos go to bed without saying another word.

Or at least, he tried to. Kratos had been sleeping lightly of late, his body rousing him every time there was a potential threat. There had been little to threaten him in this village aside from the beast, but he kept waking up. At the sound of strange birds. At the sound of a dog barking. One time at the sound of a cat that perched in the window and hissed at Kratos when he glared at it. Once, he thought he heard singing, crying...sounds he thought he recognized. But when he stepped outside to listen closer, the language was foreign to him, the tune unfamiliar. The crying baby not…

He stepped back inside and covered his ears until the weeping stopped.

When he slept for the final time that night, he dreamt of Sparta. Not in ruins, not aflame, for once, but whole. He was young again, darker-skinned, his forearms unmarred. Atreus crouched next to him, perpetually adjusting his grip on his spear, as he always did. "Personally, I think this is deeply heroic of us," he whispered. "Not at all stupid."

The boar had been destroying some nearby farmland, and nearly killed at least two helots that they knew of. There had been talk of organizing a hunting party, but when the beast had come too close to Kratos's land for his liking, he decided to take matters into his own hands. His only concession had been letting Atreus come--although he said letting as if he had any choice in the matter. The other Spartan would have come even if Kratos had told him not to. He likely would've had to knock the man unconscious and tie him up to keep him away.

"We'll be the talk of the town. Lysandra knows how to prepare boar, right?"

"There won't be any boar to prepare if you don't stop talking." Kratos elbowed Atreus in the ribs, as gently as he could. "You didn't have to come."

"Don't be stupid, of course I did." That slight grin Atreus wore before battle was as familiar to Kratoas as his own face. "Not that I think a simple boar could take the god of war, but…"

Wait.

No, that wasn't how the day had gone.

Kratos sharply grabbed Atreus's shoulder, half-expecting the illusion to peel away, revealing Athena, Ares, the Furies, Zeus. It was a trick. It had to be. So many had worn the face of his wife to try and appeal to him; using his friend was not out of the question. But there was no flash of light, no shift in the other man's skin; when Atreus looked at Kratos, it was his face, not some mask tearing away to reveal a sharp sneer and malicious eyes. It was just…

"You all right?"

But how? He'd been dead for years.

Then again, the dead did not seem to stay dead. Not in his mind, at least.

"Are we going to kill this thing or not?"

Kratos woke up then, his hand cramping as if he had been grasping a spear too long. Kratos carefully flexed his fingers. The ache faded quickly.

The dream did not.

Kratos tried not to dwell on dreams. They were, at best, mere nonsense, and at worst, a tool for his past to mock him. But this did not feel like a mockery. It felt like...

“You couldn’t have spoken to me sooner?” Kratos growled quietly.

He expected a clever remark from the old man, but it seemed he had already left from the day. It was only once he was sure he was alone that Kratos added, more softly, "You always were a fool."

Atreus did not appear to speak to him as Athena often did, but Kratos knew what his reply would have been. You continue associating with me, αδελφός. I think that makes you at least twice the fool I am.

He wasn't wrong about Kratos being a fool. He was just wrong about the reasons.

The sun was rising. The heat of the day would be intolerable soon. Kratos contemplated his options. Remembered the boar hunt. It had gone smoothly; they had not exactly been hailed as heroes, but people were grateful the beast was finally dispatched. He had not lost himself to anything.

There had been a time when he could fight without the Blades, without his rage overflowing into something monstrous, but he could not remember those days. It had been so long since he had ever thought not to use them. What had happened to him? Had his deal with Ares scarred him so greatly?

Or had he simply grown too used to the power they gave him?

Is there another way?

He wasn't sure. But, as he watched the sunlight outside grow harsher, he started to wonder if it was perhaps worth the risk. He thought of contingencies. If he fought the beast far enough away, if there was no one else around, no other targets to turn his rage on should it consume him…

He could live with himself if it were just the beast. But only if there was compensation.

And only if he did not use the Blades.

As he contemplated this, he heard a familiar voice outside. The old man was speaking to the younger woman. As always, when Kratos left the house and approached them, she glared. Kratos ignored her. "Can they guarantee me passage upriver or downriver?" Kratos asked.

The old man's expression did not change, not even to twitch into a smug smile. All the better; Kratos would have changed his mind out of spite if it had. "They can."

"Hmm." Kratos looked to the other side of town, towards the river, and sighed heavily. "I will need a weapon."

This town was too small for a large armory; Kratos would have to make do with what little they did have. Spears he knew well, and while the curved blades of their swords reminded him too much of the Blades, he knew they would suffice. So long as I do not try to throw them. "If this beast is anything like a regular hippopotamus," said the old man as he watched Kratos select his weapons, "it will be most active at night. Not entirely inactive during the day, as you know…" He glanced down at Kratos's leg. "Are you sure that will not hinder you?"

"It's fine." Even with his fitful sleep, it had healed well enough—not entirely, but enough. He would not let it slow him down. "Are you saying I should seek it out as soon as possible?"

"It's what I would do, for whatever that is worth." The old man was writing again. By now, the scratching sound was familiar to Kratos. "Have you killed something of this size before?"

"Killed bigger." It was a statement of fact, not a boast. "Why have you been helping me?"

The question had been bothering Kratos for some time, but if he was going to ask, now seemed the best time. He was sure the man would claim altruism again, something Kratos wasn't sure he believed, but instead…

"I have a talent for arbitration and you seem like a man in conflict," the old man said. "Sometimes a second set of eyes can make a problem clearer, but...you seem like a man used to doing things on his own."

For better or worse, the old man was right. Even when he still had living friends and family, they had to pester him to accept help. The phalanx only holds if everyone works together, Atreus had told him once. Admit it. You need me.

Of course, they'd been talking about Kratos's courtship of Lysandra at the time, and Kratos had been quick to point that out. In hindsight, the wider sentiment did have merit, just...not in that situation.

Perhaps things would have gone differently if  you'd been there, old friend.

Kratos gritted his teeth, trying to push back thoughts of the past. "I don't think this is a conflict you can help with."

The old man chuckled. "Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that. You haven't met some of my friends." He scratched one final symbol into his tablet before meeting Kratos's eyes. "If I offer you some advice, will you at least listen?"

"Hmm...fine." He had a feeling the old man would tell him whether or not he wanted to hear it. At least this time, he was asking first.

"I have a feeling that whatever it is you are running from was not always there," said the old man, "that there must have been a time in your life before it. Take that as proof that it will not remain forever. Things may never be as they were, but…" He shrugged. "...the worst of it can pass, if you find a way to make it so."

Kratos did listen. He even considered the words.

He just as quickly pushed them aside, because he did not have time for the thought. He had to focus on other things. On what it would take to kill the beast.

Kratos did not say anything as he left the space, but as he did, he caught sight of the old man smiling slightly. As if he thought he'd somehow scored a victory.

Old fool, Kratos thought.

He tried to ignore the fact that the words had taken root around his heart. Clinging to it. Whispering a lie he'd never been able to make himself believe.

It will not remain forever.

It certainly did not feel that way.

[ambermotta]

I'm using Google Translate to write this, if there's any error that's the reason.

Helloo, I hope you are well 🤍 I have a question that comes to my mind all the time but I didn't know exactly where to find that answer, so why not ask someone more experienced? hehe

I started studying about witchcraft, gods/goddesses and the like a while ago, but it's really only been theory, since because of my parents I still can't practice freely. Do you think there are ways for me to start this journey now, or do you think it would be more appropriate for me to wait?

I would love to start worshiping a specific Goddess that caught my attention and really had an impact on me. Would I be able to do this discreetly? 😭

Thank you for your timee 🤍

Hi! Sorry if I took a bit too long to answer, I hadn't seen the notification 😅

Answering your question: Yes, you can start now if you wish, but that will come with limitations. If you think it's too hard, frustrating, or dangerous to practice "undercover", then it may be best to wait.

There are a lot of tools and excuses for the undercover witch:

Crystals: "I find them beautiful/ they bring me peace/ it's decorative"

Deity imagery: "I really liked this artwork/I like X mythology a lot/ it's decorative"

Altars: they can be very hard to lie about. Buy you can have a portable altar, or a box altar. Plus, they don't need to be fancy at all. Virtual altars are also an option!

As for limitations, these often include:

Not being able to light candles and incenses.

Alternatives: fake electric candles, rbg lights, essential oils and other fragrances.

Elaborate rituals are hard

Alternatives: be simple and practical. Prayers and visualization are your best friends. Do your stuff while your parents are away or sleeping.

Resources can be scarce

Alternatives: be creative so that you can improvise. You can get a lot of mundane items and give them magical/sacred properties. As for deity offerings, stick to "simple but meaningful". If it's edible, you can eat it in ritual or after you're done with your prayers (depends on deity and culture – do your research)

I personally think worshipping a deity is easier to do discretely than doing witchcraft. Worshipping can be just a prayer, sharing a cup of tea with your deity and doing devotional acts in their honor. It can be as simple or complex as you like. It's a very intimate thing between you and the deity.

Witchcraft may require more "materials" depending on how you plan to do things and some of your stuff can really give you away. That's just my personal opinion though.

Over half the time I've been a pagan witch, I was doing it all in secret. My parents were into spirituality, but it wasn't until like.. 3 years ago that they started to be more open-minded about religions other than their own. In their mind pagan gods didn't exist and witchcraft was dangerous (even though they did it themselves, they just did not see it that way).

I was lucky I could get away with lighting candles and incenses, but living in a very busy household I felt like I really couldn't do most of what I wanted. It was hard, and frustrating. But I still kept my deities close to heart and did what I could.

With all that being said, here are some questions for you to ask yourself, to help you decide what you want to do:

Is it dangerous to get caught? If your family is extremely intolerant to the point where it can be dangerous for you, then waiting until you're more independent is probably better.

Are you okay with having limited resources?

Are you okay with hiding stuff?

Are you ready to deal with your parents if they they find out?

Could you answer their questions calmly and within reason?

I sincerely hope I was able to answer your question and give you some insight ❤️

Living in the "broom closet" has its challenges, but it can be equally rewarding.

Remember you can always start small, and if you feel it won't work out, you call it off until you're ready.

[smallgronk]

Warning: really long wordy and idk how coherent rant ahead. Proceed with caution lmao

I don't even know how to start my rant but here goes. I haven't been using Tumblr for very long, but it has been incredible. I've met a lot of cool people, and learned a lot of cool things about myself. But I hate how the cycle of dysphoria seems to work. It is so exhausting. When I started my account I still went by he/him everywhere, I even said that in my bio or whatever. The longer I stuck around though, and the more I enjoyed the sapphic side of Tumblr the more I wished it applied to me? And at first I dipped my toes in by removing the masc signifiers and letting people draw their own conclusions. And when someone called me a girl for the first time? That was a strange experience. The longer it went on though the more I realized that it seemed right. I got more comfortable with my spot and didn't feel like I was "lying" to people or invading a place that wasn't for me. Cuz even when I would tell people they were cool with it? (Because obviously, almost everyone in my circle here is trans of course they get it.)

And everything about that is fantastic! But I've realized as soon as I made that step, the first time someone treated me like a girl... I changed. All the little things that I thought I was ok with are suddenly excruciating. I had sexted with someone with ease, but showing my face when I had some stubble? Unthinkable. And my voice, dear God my voice. It felt like I would shatter the "illusion" or something. Even if I disclosed to people ahead of time. There was no secret.

The real problem though is what has happened irl. I've always been a bit of a shut in (not by choice, situation), but I haven't spoken to any of my friends in days. Normally I'm in chat everyday at least for a minute. The thought of going and being Him for a bit when I could instead be my little trans self on Tumblr? Eww. So I just don't join. These are people who know I'm trans! I just haven't changed how I identify to them or whatever.

Everytime I start to think about it I'm just so overwhelmed. I told two people to refer to me differently and even that has crushed me. And I haven't even interacted with them since! I don't know if I'm more scared that I won't like it...or that I will. It will just be one more thing on my fucking to do list. I need to find some more queer people to hang with irl cuz it has been so rewarding, but just too distant I feel like I'm going insane. I simultaneously have the closest connection I've ever felt with a community and yet am crippled by the weight of the loneliness.

I've opened Pandora's box, and I was not prepared for it. I was a lurker on Reddit! I was just trying to be horny damn it. I wanted to bust a nut and chat with cute people for once so maybe I could stop being so inexperienced and now I've lost the comfort of my situation. I knew in the back of my head I was going to do all of these steps at some point probably but I NEED MORE TIME. I have to wait for eight different kinds of appointments before I can even think about it increasing my hrt because of my health conditions and some of them feel so far away.

And if I want to go to someone for comfort (which is already something I struggle so hard with!) There are always roadblocks. The people on Tumblr who I feel I could reach out to can only give me so much, it's over the internet. It is a great supplement to relationships but can only go so far without lots of work around. The people irl? Most of them don't even know about any of this and aren't in the know about queer stuff so I'd have to talk and explain so much. And the people I fully came out to? I'm not ready to face the emotions of them referring to me differently. And all of these have solutions mainly, but the issue. They all take work. And I'm exhausted. And I'm so upset. I don't want to do it. Right now at least. I just need some more time I'm getting there and figuring things out but I need more time.

Even posting this makes me feel sick to my stomach. Like I'm being overly dramatic. Which is silly, cuz if someone else felt this way I wouldn't even dream of anything but to give em a hug and let them cry it all out. I feel like I've stopped existing in the real world. Ive always struggled with dissociation but this is a whole other level. (Also people who are faking something don't typically question themselves lmao. That's just imposter syndrome.)

This was always one of my biggest fears when it came to transition. That I would be right. That it would flip a switch and make me miserable the moment I saw the other side. And I know it would get better. But until that tunnel breaks it would be unbearable.

And maybe I will feel better tomorrow. But even that sounds like forever away right now. I need a hug.

[honeybeewhereartthee]

MY DARLING DOLLS 62

PREVIOUS || PT 11 CH62 || NEXT

He can hear someone voice singing in a distance when he have a moment of silence. It almost felt his imagining it as it fade away when his attention is stolen by the voices of the people in the house.

He saw the stranger, a spirit of winter--Aice or Alice. An odd ball that visited since a while back when he was saved by you and Ao ( the owner of the place) another existence that don't appear back in his own world.

By this time, your memories have faded away. It's his fault because In order to help you heal. He needs to erase all your bounds and memories you have of the life you have before. Cause you did something very dumb. He have to fix it or else it won't just do...

He knows he should have ask you permission to do something cruel and evil. No one wants to be stripped off their memories or identity. But your kinda not breathing in that moment. He'll apologize one day...

...

..

.

You manage to make a doll body just like how it supposed to happen in the history of this world, except he don't think it was you who's supposed to be the first dollmaker. Maybe his existence cause something to change. And just like history have written he taken the first chance to test out the doll you made.

...

..

.

< thank you for helping and becoming a wonderful knight for that person as reward I'll give you gift.>

[... What happened to them then?]

< who knows... For now go to the place you should be headed in the beginning... Or else things won't go well for you own world.>

[... Can I see them one day?]

<... Ohhh I see where this going. Sure. Sure. But it will cost you a little bit....hehe.....>

[ what the fuck is wrong with you now?]

< how rude. Anyway sure you can meet them one day but there's consequences for that.>

[ you don't seems the type who can grant a wish with a consequence...]

< I just feel like it.>

[ .... There's no way you aren't that stupid dollmaker alternative with that personality of yours]

< thankkksssss.. Byeeeeeeee btw the consequences is doll being dollssssss >

.

..

...

When he open his eyes he found himself in a humanoid form with you who's seems to sparkle in his eyes. Who's covering your eyes from what light that seems to blinded you for a moment.

He felt strange, at some point before he felt burden by everything but it seems to disappear when he enter the doll body and gain humanoid form.

'i wonder it's because it mean I no longer a god in this form... I'm just a doll.' A smile slowly appear in his face, things like regret in such state he thought before most be from over thinking, overthinking that he could do the same mistake he did in his previous world ( even so he cannot do anything against fate decision) 'and your his dollmaker....'

.

.

"... My beloved dollmaker... I'll accompany and assist you till the end..." His a soft voice says in an almost whisper tone, to not surprised you and speaking once again is quite a new feeling for him as it been so long

. . opening your eyes, a beautiful blue haired stranger with jellyfish like hairstyle. His emerald eyes that's stares at you with admiration and happiness.

He thought how silly you look being bamboozle in the moment, you look adorable but as a someone who knows his manners and it seems you forgotten 'his' name. He doesn't mind introducing himself again.

"Kanata Shinkai... You can "call" me Kanata." He introduced himself as he found himself use to be able to speak finally.

He who can only be a watcher from before can finally speak to you, oh he have many questions he want to ask you and says to you ( like get away from that purple bastard ) and probably fix your personality so you won't get in trouble ( cause your where in a bad state when he meet you before, it's clearly an effect of your way of life ) he found himself worrying and caring for you, maybe because his a doll, not a god. A doll would want your attention and care for your well being.

'fufu. Your just jealous you can't gain control over my body' instead of being annoyed as usual to the annoying thing in the back of his head, he felt pity for it but decide to ignore it as it's something as unimportant and just a bother at this point.

'lalalaalaaa I cannot hear you. I cannot hear you anymore... ' he blocked the stupid voice as he focus on the present. 'my dollmaker is getting sleepy. So shut up.'

Sadly Kanata how to play dumb now and would not listen to other haft of his. His not a god or a dragon kin. His just Kanata from this world and just a doll. There's no Yin and yang for Kanata. >:3