#I might do it all at once at the end if my health improves

[eggs-can-draw]

Too sick for saimatsu week,,,,, :,[

[soongtypehuman]

Boo-hoo update

I’m sorry to say I have an update I was hoping to not ever have to make. Some of you already know that I have some serious health issues, but I've been pretty quiet about the extent of what I'm dealing with.

The gist of it is that I have a rare bone disease called fibrous dysplasia that turned certain bones in my skull into tumors and then those tumors grew inward and started crushing my brain, so I had a craniotomy last year to remove as much as was safe and got a cool new titanium implant in my head to replace the removed bone/tumor. The unfortunate result was encephalomalacia, which is the end stage of liquifying necrosis, and now part of my brain is liquid instead of solid (it’s dead, in a nutshell). Most people don’t survive encephalomalacia, much less remain able to function, and most who survive the initial stage don’t survive the three year mark. Even when you do survive it, it often continues spreading. The last MRI showed it had already taken over about 1/3 of my brain. But I’m a stubborn asshole and am still hanging on.

Unfortunately, things aren’t getting better.

I have to have constant MRIs, EEGs, physical and cognitive therapies, and have been on more meds than I’d like to be in order to control seizures and various cognitive issues. I didn’t mention this before, but I had to go through a series of speech therapies just to learn to talk properly again. And the most unfortunate part of this is that my ability to write has been affected. Since the surgery over a year ago, I’ve only made 10 new posts in the Positronic Rivalry series, totaling around 87k words. For reference, I posted over 200k words in 2022. I’ve posted even less this year, and it’s not improving.

With that said, I have to take a step back. I’m not quitting and I’m not walking away from the fandom. I’d like to think I’ll still be able to post here and there. I just don’t know when and under what circumstances that will happen. I most certainly can’t handle the longer multi-chapter fics I once could. Maybe one day, but not this day. Since I started posting on AO3 back at the end of 2021, I’ve posted every Sunday more often than not. I’m sorry to say I can’t make that happen right now, and can’t say when I’ll post again or what it will be. I won't be able to continue with season 4.

But I’m most definitely not leaving the fandom and the people and the characters I love so much. I’ll still be here interacting and posting when I’m able. This fandom and the people in it are incredible and mean a lot to me. Data and Lore and Star Trek in general are integral to my life and general enjoyment.

But!! I’ve nearly completed compiling seasons 1-3 of Positronic Rivalry as well as 2022/23 Kinktobers into files that will be ready to print in physical book format (completely free, obviously), which I’ll make available for everyone to download in various print sizes, complete with covers, which you can then have printed at various POD sites if you’re so inclined. Digital versions will also be available (you can already download various formats from AO3, but they’re not compiled into seasons, don’t have covers, etc.).

I’m also continuing with the Trek-themed crossword puzzles because those are fun and my therapist thinks making them is good for my cognitive rehab.

This update is a massive bummer for me, but I felt it was better to just admit my limitations instead of constantly trying to convince myself that I could continue the way I had been pre-surgery and beating myself up when I couldn’t.

Lastly, I’ve finally taken the suggestion I’ve gotten repeatedly and set up a KoFi. If you’d like to buy me a coffee or toss a coin to your android porn witcher, you can do so right here and I’d be giggling and kicking my feet in gratitude.

Anyhow, I want to thank all of you for being amazing and coming along on this ride with me for as long as you have, and for as long as it might continue in whatever form it takes.

[macgyvermedical]

can you talk a little about wegovy and muonjaro for weight loss?

The answer is maybe.

If it were just the drugs themselves, I'd say absolutely. But there is a surprising amount of cultural baggage associated with these medications, and I don't really know that I can do them justice.

So first, let's talk about weight. There's a fantastic book called "Fat Talk" by Virginia Sole-Smith, about being overweight or obese in an age that prioritizes thinness, and how diet culture in particular is a threat to young people. Another, called "Intuitive Eating" by Elyse Resch, discusses how calorie restriction- commonly cited as the "way" to lose weight along with exercise- only works once or twice, because our bodies get wise to it and want to hold onto fat.

Humans evolved to gain weight. Fat is how we store energy for times when we might not have enough to eat. And if "not having enough to eat" (whether because of famine or because of calorie restrictive dieting) happens repeatedly, we have evolved to change hormones and metabolism so we a) don't need as much food to stay alive and b) are primed to eat more food than we need when it is available.

Aren't human bodies cool?

In the medical world, there are a lot of things tied to weight. For example, statistically, being overweight or obese means you're more likely to have health conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease. It is unclear, though, if those problems are caused by the weight itself, or other dietary, activity, and behavior patterns that may also happen to contribute to the weight gain. Things like a sedentary lifestyle, frequent consumption of foods with low nutritional value, avoidance of medical care due to stigma, or even chronic calorie restrictive dieting.

Unfortunately, due to this statistical tie, there is a lot of effort made in the medical world to get patients to "lose weight at any cost" instead of recommending dietary, activity, and behavior changes for health reasons alone.

Culturally as well, we prioritize thinness as attractiveness. I remember in high school there was a poster in my health classroom that read "Ideal weight- or it might be hard to get a date!". There are lots of negative associations with people who carry more weight, including that they are lazy or stupid- things that have nothing to do with body size.

Now, that doesn't mean that there aren't things that could be benefits of losing weight. For example, joint and back pain can be improved with weight loss. But weight loss is probably not the end-all be-all cure-all it's touted to be.

Because it is really hard for most people to meet this standard of "lose weight at any cost", there has long been medications that purportedly help people lose weight. Most of these medications have been stimulants, which decrease appetite and make it more comfortable to engage in calorie restrictive dieting. They also increase energy, which can make it easier to exercise or tolerate more exercise than would otherwise be possible.

Before we talk about the drugs, I want to say- there are risks and benefits to all medications, including these! The discussion you should always have is what risks are you and your healthcare provider willing to tolerate for the potential positive outcome. Also, this is a discussion of the drugs when used for weight control. The same drugs used for diabetes are at different dosages and have potentially different risk/benefit comparisons.

Ozempic/Wegovy (semaglutide) and Mounjaro/Zepbound (tirzepatide) are both a type of medication called a GLP-1 agonist. GLP-1 agonists are also called incretin mimics, because they mimic a type of hormone (incretin) that tells the brain and body that it is full. This makes it easier to eat a small amount of high nutrition food and feel satisfied. They also work by increasing metabolism. Between the decreased consumption and the increased metabolism, weight is lost.

Over the course of a year and a half, tirzepatide causes about 15-20% average reduction in body weight with continued use. Over the course of about the same time, semaglutide causes an average of about 15% body weight reduction with continuous use. Say, for example, you weigh 100kg. A year and a half on one of these medications could get you down to 85kg.

The problem is, as soon as that drug is withdrawn, the body realizes it was starving, and tries to compensate. These drugs are good at getting rid of weight, but maintaining a new weight usually means staying on a lower dose of the drug perpetually. Most people regain all weight (and potentially more than they lost) within 5 years of stopping the drugs.

Some studies suggest that repeatedly regaining lost weight may be more detrimental to health than remaining overweight or obese when it comes to statistical risk of type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and other "weight-associated" illnesses.

The main side effects are GI-related. Most of these are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, gas/bloating, constipation, dizziness, and abdominal pain. More severe side effects include pancreatitis (inflammation of the pancreas) and gasteroparesis (paralysis of the stomach and part of the digestive tract).

[o-sahiba]

They say once you delete social media, you'll get your life back. So, I deleted my instagram a few months ago and I've been inactive on snapchat for as long as I can remember. I even uninstalled Netflix and other OTT platforms.

So, here an honest account of my life without the mainstream social media and the changes that I saw.

No, I didn't magically start sleeping early. I had to force myself not to open youtube and scroll shorts, and I had to force myself to shut my eyes close. Most of the nights, I'd lay wide awake looking up at the ceiling with thoughts running wild in my mind.

However, I learned to pat my own back and say positive affirmations while drifting off to sleep. I learned how a warm cup of milk at night would solve half of my sleep problems. I started meditation where I usually scroll through reels. I became more aware of the things that calm me down and hence, a better timely sleep.

No, I didn't magically start spending hours on studying or being productive. Most of the days, I hardly managed to get a 2 hour study session done. Or, I'd spend time watching random youtube videos and available dramas.

However, I got so bored of it that studying seemed more interesting and so I did. I learned to concentrate on one task for hours through practice and consistency which was surprisingly a result of my boredom. And in the process, I managed to increase my attention span from '30 seconds of reels' to 2-3 hours of lectures.

No, I didn't magically start feeling happier. Instead I spend hours sitting with my insecurities, feeding my loneliness because I had no one to interact over reels, no one to interact through posts and stories. I had no information about my friends' whereabouts and all the other things happening in their life. No one had mine either. I felt alone, perhaps, lonely for the majority of time.

However, in the meanwhile, I found real friends who started texted me on whatsapp and made genuine efforts to keep me in touch through phone calls and video calls. And so did I.

No, I neither magically became successful nor an academic weapon. I mean, I still had to google if it's 'successful' or 'successfull'. I still lack a lot of basic information and general awareness. And no, I'm not earning in lakhs, not yet.

However, I managed to read more, be it fiction or non-fiction, self help books. I've become more self aware and more realistic. I know why I am the way I am because I started reading on it. I started analyzing the situations and the resulted behaviour. I might not be successful yet, but I'm ahead of the person I used to be a few months ago.

No, I didn't magically lost the weight or improved my health. I was lethargic most of the time. I still am. I still eat a whole bag of chips and a can of sode while watching series.

However, I started sleeping better with no negativity or disturbance-a byproduct of consuming social media. My dark circles have started fading out, my skin has become healthier. I wake up early and go to gym regularly. But this time, not to post a gym story but for myself.

I didn't see the changes as fast as other people claim. I tormented myself without social media and while doing so I sculpted a new me, a better me. In the end, it is worth it.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for being harsh to my friend who was asking me for reassurance over anxiety

I (21F) have a friend (21m), who we'll call Sam, who is very anxious and is autistic. Sam has a tendency to take everything I do as a sign that I secretly hate him, even when it has nothing to do with him. It's honestly a bit suffocating. Previously, hes gotten upset about me not being on my phone while I was studying for an exam, he's gotten really upset with me when I said I couldn't talk right now because I was really hungover, etc. We've had discussions about this before, and I've been like "look, if I hated you we wouldn't be hanging out at all dude, please stop reading everything I do so negatively." It hasn't really improved the situation.

Two weeks ago exactly from when I write this, there was a death in my immediate family. I was there when they passed, and I've never seen anyone die before, and it really hit me hard. I want to grieve alone. I don't want to talk to anyone for a while, as I process things. I told my friends, and Sam specifically, that I was going offline for a while as I grieved. Everyone, Sam included, told me to take the time I needed.

It's been a hectic two weeks, and I've not had as much time alone to process as I would have wanted. People, including Sam, have checked in on me and I've told them im not doing good and I'm not ready to get back online.

Yesterday, Sam messaged me (all of this took place on Snapchat so I don't have the exact messages anymore) saying that he knew I said I wasn't talking to people but that he felt neglected and ignored. He said that is RSD was playing up and he was convinced that I hated him, and he wanted reassurance that I didn't.

I was absolutely furious with him when I got that message, I'll be honest. Inwardly, I was like how fucking dare you make this about you. How dare you ignore that I literally told you that I wasn't speaking to people because of MY OWN metal health and that it was nothing to do with you. I was (and still am really) so, so angry.

I knew, however, that it wouldn't do any good to say that to him. Instead, I said that my life does not revolve around him, that I hadn't thought about him once since our last text, and that we were good friendship wise on my end but that I was not ready to talk as I was really not doing well.

He said I was being mean to him, and guilted me into a 3 hour conversation to sate his anxieties. He thinks we're good now, but I'm so fucking angry with him for this. Fuck me, I suppose, my one fucking request to be left alone means nothing. Fuck my mental health. Fuck the fact I just watched a family member DIE, Sam has decided that I hate him again so I must drop everything to reassure him. AGAIN!

I'm too angry to see this situation clearly; I have no idea whether I'm an asshole or not. Was I mean? "My life doesn't revolve around you" might be mean.

What are these acronyms?

[vettelsvee]

MY CURRENT WORKS IN PROGRESS UPDATES (+ LIFE UPDATE) !

hi guys! hope you're doing great <3 yesterday was my birthday and, as taylor swift said once, i don't know about you, but i'm feeling 22!

first of all, I'm so sorry for not posting many fics these days, especially not the chapters I promised for goodbyes are bittersweet, but i've been struggling with my mental health a lot for the past few days and i felt like everything i wrote was absolute shit. however, i'm trying my best to update you as soon as i can! here are some of the things i'd like to talk to you about:

✧ requests are closed for now, as i still have requests to write and i want to focus on series and mini series i have already posted, and some of them that i'd post in upcoming weeks. hope you can understand this (pls don't cancel me)

✧ history (seb x wife race engineer!reader series) is on private and will be posted in a completely new version as i saw many mistakes and, to be honest, i wasn't feeling very comfortable with the story. however, it'll be the same: posted in different parts, each one for each year from 2008 to 2022 as it's a documentary about their lives :)

✧ goodbyes are bittersweet (seb x ex gf singer!reader series) will continue. this is not the end yet, guys, there's so much more to come and i'm so excited for you to read it!

✧ i'll continue posting begin again (mark webber x single mum!reader series) as the same time i try to keep up with my tortured poets department (f1 drivers x reader)

✧ great power, great responsibility series (retired!seb x pregnant wife!reader, rb!seb x best friend!reader, and intern!oscar x driver!reader) plots will be announced as soon as i reach 1k followers! tbh can't wait for you to find out about these au :)

✧ my upcoming series are the following: one call away (oscar piastri x youtuber!reader), oops, i did it again (lewis hamilton x pr ex wife rosberg!reader), night changes (mick schumacher x reader) and way back home (george russel x reader)

✧ all my series and one shots will be available as well in wattpad with the non-reader version (they'll have an oc as some of you might prefer it!). you can follow me on wattpad here!

i'm a month away from start my last year of uni and i have four full months of teacher practice (from october to january), apart from studying proper subjects and doing a final degree investigation, as well as balancing all of that with working as a teacher and improving my english so i can get my final language certificates.

i just want to have a variety of wips so I don't get stuck or bored with one, and you also have the opportunity to choose what to read! however, if you wanna tell me something my inbox is always there for you :)

hope you can understand and, if you're reading this, tysm <3

[trebuchet151]

If you’re up for it, I’d love to hear more about Corey! What kind of villain he is, what his goals are, anything you’d be willing to share? No pressure of course! Love seeing your art

Starting with a heartfelt thank you for your interest in them, I think my blog has gotten more attention today bc of your reblog than it has collectively since I made it lmao. I am a huge fan of your sidestep too actually, I've only recently quit being just a lurker on this site but I've always loved seeing Richard cross my dash.

I'd LOVE to share about Corey!!!

I'm not 100% sure on a canon route yet, but for now this is one of my favs

Under a cut for length

Back during the sidestep days, they were known as a vigilante, specializing in tech and tactics. Once Anathema and Ortega broke the ice, they really opened up and became very social (comparatively anyway, theyre still a homebody) and were very involved in their community in like a local cryptid way ("honey, the masked stranger that cut the boot off my tire is on the TV lurking in the background of a rangers interview"). Very stray cat affection style, went from "i hate you dont touch me" to being in Themmy/ Ortega's space constantly. They have absolutely terrible mental health that was somewhat on the mend thanks to the support of their friends until they went and got the "taste the metal"/"one more day" path during the heartbreak incident .

During Rebirth, they're much more withdrawn and dissociative. In the time since the heartbreak incident they have become much more cautious and try to avoid combat whenever they can, taking telepathic boosters and speed/jump-jets as their armor enhancements. They blow up the museum while maintaining a no kill status and take the villain name "Heartbreak" (i love the angst that one brings). Corey blames themselves for what happened to them and their friends (sidestep/past self nemesis), and their motivation is their anger over everything that's happened to them.

Corey changes nemesis/motives between rebirth and retribution. Their more social nature starts coming back as their relationship with the current rangers and mortem improves and they go to therapy, which mellows them out a lot. They begin to wonder if they're doing the wrong thing (current self nemesis) and change motivations to "show the world the truth". Heartbreak becomes an anarchist, dedicated to exposing corrupt politicians with the least amount of violence possible. Their irresistable urge to monologue about how fucked up things are makes both Ortega and Chen sympathetic and suspicious.

For now, Corey's got a mirror image puppet named Mallory. Ideally, the puppet would be a woman for maximum gender crisis, but I love the scene in Ortega's romance that has him call the puppet by sidesteps name, and that only triggers with the mirror image achievement.

I have played ALL the romance routes and adore everyone, especially Dr. Mortum (Corey's new best friend), but the friends to lovers with Ortega wins me over, so Ortega is winning the canon route by a very thin margin.

I'm having a very hard time figuring out Corey's gender issues, bc we have dysphoria in opposite directions. I *think* they're agender, but that might change over time who knows. They're gonna come out during the story whenever that gets addressed, so He/him and They/them are both applicable

My favorite retribution ending so far is where Corey goes to see HG themselves, crashes, and is revealed as Heartbreak, but Ortega breaks them out anyway.

Thank you so much for your interest in Corey! I love them so much and am thrilled to share <3

I'll put together a more coherent summary of their lore eventually, but hopefully this is good for now :)

[bumblingbabooshka]

Read a fic about Tuvok having a history of self harm. It's a very short fic but it really interested me! So I wanted to doodle some stuff based on it - the first page is my interpretation of a certain summarized scene:

The concept of Tuvok's own self harm effecting T'Pel so viscerally was what got my attention most of all (as you can see) - I can imagine how much guilt that must have put on him and it's another, alien, dimension to struggling with mental health and one that would be interesting in Tuvok's position where he's now for the first time completely disconnected from his family and only has to contend with himself and his own mind. Once again, Vulcan identity is so fascinating!!! I love seeing what people do with it!

Page One: T'Pel bandages Tuvok's wrists in silence. She looks up at the man himself who's also watching the process. "It is done," she says. He does not seem to have heard her. "Tuvok," she prompts. He looks up. Speaking telepathically, he says "Yes. Your 'turn'." with some bitterness. He begins to bandage her wrists as she watches him. "There is no need for guilt," she says. Tuvok states "This is...familiar." We see a younger Tuvok; He is a teenager who appears disheveled and disturbed by the news he is receiving. An unseen individual, perhaps a guardian, says to him: "T'Pel is in the hospital." We see two knives, showing the passage of time. One is a common kitchen knife while the other is a ritual blade - they are both bloody. The guardian's words continue: "Tuvok. I implore you, stop." We see several women without defining facial features. They are both specific and representative - T'Pel and Janeway are clear and represent 'wife & friends' while the other Vulcan figure is perhaps 'family' (she could be Tuvok's mother, daughter, etc). "If not for her sake..." the unseen voice continues. "Then for your own." At that we see Tuvok appearing disturbed once again, however time has advanced. He is now aboard Voyager and lines emanating from him indicate that his bond to those previous figures has just been broken. For who's 'sake' does he have to preserve himself now? We see Tuvok alone in a severely darkened room - there appears to be a cushion in front of him. Is it for meditation or for a blade to sit upon? He appears to be bleeding. The word 'Stop' is in bold, hanging over him. It is unclear whether this is something he is thinking or the true end of his guardian's plea. Page Two has several unconnected Images. One: Tuvok is an incredibly disheveled looking teenager wearing an outfit indicating he is currently residing in the temple he was banished to at that time. He is looking down at his scarred wrist with an impassive yet very tired expression. He looks up, thinking "I feel...calm." An arrow pointing to him informs us that he has just unlocked a bad coping mechanism. Ostensibly as a 'quick fix' to the distress he was feeling at that time. Two: Tuvok is the same age but time has advanced a bit, indicated by his change in clothes. He is bandaging his wrists, looking as disheveled as ever. His 'quick fix' doesn't seem to have improved his health. He repeats mentally that this is the 'last time' - it can be assumed that he is referring to self harming. Three: Tuvok is an ensign under captain Sulu. This is his first stint in Starfleet. He is asked a question by a doctor, indicated by a question mark. "They're very old scars, doctor." Tuvok replies dismissively. Four: Tuvok is the same age but time has advanced a bit. He is lying on his bed in uniform, staring out at nothing in particular. The room is darkened and drenched in shadow. There is the indication of blood. An arrow looming over him states that he has relapsed. Five: A young Kathryn Janeway offers Tuvok a cup of what might be tea. "I'm here for you," she says, with a very concerned expression. Tuvok does not look at her. He sits with his steepled hands in his lap, staring down. He remains expressionless. There is a doodle of a ship identified as the USS Wyoming to orient us in time. Six: Tuvok and T'Pel hold hands and stare into what would be one another's eyes. Their facial features have been wiped clean. Tuvok's face is almost fully encased in an amorphous darkness which stretches across the space between them and leaks out of a hole in the middle of T'Pel's face which is being 'filled' by said darkness. The text above reads "All your rot bleeds into her." The darkness no longer has humanoid shape - there is a small white figure in its midst. It is unclear whether the darkness is emanating from the figure or threatening to swallow them. The text above reads "There isn't a scar on her that wasn't put there by you."

[dira333]

Congrats on finishing Passing Peonies! As you could probably tell from my tags, I'm completely enthralled with it!

I was wondering if you'd considered what Shigaraki would be doing post war? This isn't necessarily a request for the follower milestone (though I do plan on sending in a request or two after I've gathered my thoughts). I was just curious if you'd had any plans regarding him in that universe.

Thank you for asking! I do know what Shigaraki is doing in the Passing Peonies world but I didn't want to convolute the story with too many people to focus on. So glad that I get to talk about it!

Deku managed to defeat All for One and Shigaraki by doing what he does best - get through to Shigaraki and convince him of the power of Friendship. Without Deku's example, Shouto might not have been so successful with Touya.

Not everyone from the League of Villains wanted to change, because not all of them wanted to be heard and understood in the first place.

The Public demanded harsh punishments but Allmight, coupled with Deku "the world-saver" and his friends, demanded a change in the system. Touya, Toga, Shigaraki, Spinner, Kurogiri... They were taken in for physical and psychological therapy. But, and that was important... They were not allowed to meet each other at first. They could ask questions about each other if they wanted to, but people were afraid that it would pull them down and hinder their healing if they were confronted with people from their past.

That did not work as well as they thought they would. Kurogiri almost broke out of the hospital he was in because no one would tell him where Shigaraki was held and if he was still alive.

Toga's mental health improved significantly once she had regular contact with Touya and Spinner was moved to the same hospital as Kurogiri and Shigaraki in an attempt to benefit Shigaraki's recovery.

Touya is the first to actually enter the rehabilitation program of all the villains, because he has the biggest support system: his whole family, plus Hawks.

Toga is second, because she has Touya to rely on, as well as Ochako who never misses their weekly trips to get coffee or try on cute clothes.

Kurogiri could have been the first but he will not leave Shigaraki's side. Him, Spinner and Shigaraki are living in a remodeled three bedroom apartment in a hospital wing.

Spinner is retaking highschool classes and is thinking about working for a mechanic as soon as he's allowed to start rehabilitation - his therapist is still a bit concerned with his obsession with Stain.

Kurogiri has weekly cooking classes with Present Mic and Aizawa which are doing nothing for his memory but they have gotten close.

And finally, we have Shigaraki.

After two years in therapy - at the end of Passing Peonies - he's doing a lot better. He wears gloves all of the time even though he's wearing quirk cancelling anklets and there are days where Kurogiri has to hang blankets over all the mirrors because Shigaraki doesn't want to see himself but he's doing better.

Kurogiri has taught him how to cook and he's making a fantastic fried rice with egg on top whenever Deku comes over (about once a week). Allmight visits him daily - he's at the hospital anyway, so why not? - and some days they spend by reading books together or Shigaraki explaining Memes to Allmight who has to peer at his phone through reading glasses like the old man he is.

Maybe in a year or so he might be able to start the rehabilitation process himself but he's not thinking about that now. He's just trying to get better, one day after the other, and not think too much about the future ahead.

[bobalegsanji]

This’ll be my last text post for a while but I want to address something personal

I’ve been hoping my mental health would improve after classes ended, but I haven’t had any luck yet. It feels like all the stress I experienced has suddenly hit me all at once and it’s been exhausting to deal with so many stress and panic attacks at once

I’ve been trying to get on answering everything and writing and stuff, but I don’t think I can. I’ve tried to do it multiple times, even wrote about it on tumblr to keep myself accountable, but every time I try to answer comments or DMs (with few exceptions, in case I DM you often; you’re most likely an exception) I shut down

If I don’t respond to you; it’s not because of you, it’s because I’m dealing with stuff and I need some time. I really love comments and rebogs and inboxes and I appreciate every interaction, but I don’t think I’ll have the energy to answer for a bit

I’m not sure if I’ll be writing in the near future, but if so, I’d (again) appreciate any interaction, but might not feel up to interacting back. I’m genuinely really sorry. I’m so so happy and thankful if you’ve enjoyed my fics (especially my last one was so lovely received, I read every comment and it made me smile so much!!!)

I’ll finish the ongoing works I have, but I’m going to be more passively online. Thank you if you’ve come this far ❤️ cute baby Sanji to finish;

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

"The shame of it was they both loved each other, but they were both too young to know how to love."

Wylan x Reader

Something About Timing - Wylan Van Eck

Content Warnings: Discussions Of Loss And Family Trauma. Not Beta/Proof Read.

You hand Wylan the nitrate in the blue vial and he smiles at you, you cannot read the musical notes he has coded onto all his chemicals but you have learned to recognise what he is asking for by your own colour and consistency system. You've not been wrong yet, thankfully.

"So, your parents, they weren't from Kerch originally?" Wylan asks. In times like these, when it's just the two of you, and you're putting things together, just at work, gently in one another's company, you tend to start talking about these kinds of things. The type of things you don't tend to get around to talking about with the others. When you're around the others, things seem to be happening all the time and all at once, but with Wylan things can slow down, things go at a steady pace. You feel like you can breathe again.

"No, they lived in Ravka, my mothers parents lived in the isle for a time, my family have really travelled a little of everywhere," you explain.

"So you ended up in Ketterdam because of a whim?" He is curious, he always seems curious about you, like he could ask question upon question just to hear you talk about yourself, learning what there is to learn. It's one of the softer things about Wylan, something you hope his time in the barrel won't drag out of him.

"Not exactly, we ended up in Kerch on a whim, mother wanted... she had places to see," you stumble over your sentence slightly but keep yourself going. "But when my father got ill, they wanted to travel somewhere warm, thinking the weather might improve his health, but they barely made it out the harbour. I was supposed to be staying in Kerch to finish my semester at school, but as soon as the ship went down, I didn't have much attention for school. So I made my way to Ketterdam, and then to the barrel," you wave your arms to signal to the room around you, "and to here."

"I'm sorry," Wylan says quietly, "losing my mother was exceptionally difficult, I can't imagine the grief of losing two parents at once."

"You know your own kind of grief, you grieve both your parents, but for different reasons and in different ways," you reply. "My parents problem was they loved like it was finite, like it was running out. And I suppose it's good they did, as their time was a lot shorter than it should have been. But I can't help but feel that their rushing everything was a part of the reason. They rushed from place to place from thing to thing, insistent on seeing everything there was, doing all there is to do, loving like the day was ending too soon."

"At least they loved each other," Wylan says, "they had that, and they had you."

"They loved eachother alright, I remember that much about them," you say, leaning back against a counter. "The shame of it was they both loved each other, but they were both too young to know how to love."

"I like to remember my father loving my mother," Wylan says, "but these days I'm not sure how much of that is truth and how much is wishful thinking."

"Its not wrong, you know, wishing your father was different, grieving the parent he could have been, he should have been, the parent you deserved," you tell him.

Wylan pulls his breath in shakily. "So you think your parents were too young to be in love?" He asks.

"Not exactly," you let him slide the topic away from his father, not wanting to push him, "I think love isn't about age. I've known people younger than us in love and I've known it was true, they meant it. But my parents, they did not have the wisdom to match their years, they loved all heart and no..."

"Head?" He asks. You shake yours gently.

"I dont believe love needs to be thought out, falling in love with an inconvenient person is sometimes half the joy of love, finding it where it shouldnt be, where you would never go looking for it," you pull your eyes away from his, not wanting to absentmindedly search his eyes to look for something that might not be there, "but if you love with all heart and no rhythm to beat to, a heart can only sustain itself so long without failing."

"You talk like Nina sometimes," he says.

"Nina knows heart, she knows heart and body and soul, she knows love and biology," you say, "she can smell love like a bloodhound. She will see it in you before you've gotten the chance to. I'm honoured to sound like Nina."

"You sound like someone who has been called out by her," he smiles to himself.

"Well I may be able to lie, but the heart, heart gives itself away," you admit, and your heart has not truly been your own for a time now. You hadn't noticed at first, it had crept away from you, slowly, without making a sound until one day you woke up and your heart did not belong to you anymore.

Wylan steals a quick glance your way, there are so many thing he wants to say to you, but he doesn't know how to say them without laying his heart at your feet and hoping for the best. Love hasn't been kind to Wylan, not the love that was supposed to come easily, the love that was supposed to be natural, the love that was supposed to be unconditional. And when those who are supposed to love you regardless of your flaws, have treated you the way Wylan has been treated, the idea that people might choose to love you, might pick you and love you when there are reasons and options to not. It has made him doubtful. Hesistent. So instead he tries to gently pry open your thoughts, your feelings, seeing if he can see himself in them somehow. If he can sense his presence amongst those gentle smiles and soft words.

"And?" He asks, looking down at the mixture on the table.

"And?" You echo.

"The love that Nina called you out on," he says, trying to keep his hands from being too obvious in their fiddling, "how did that work out for you?"

You shrug, staring up at the ceiling. "Still waiting to find out," you breath, "he hasn't seemed to notice yet." His eyes dart to yours and away again but you can't help but smile, the corners of your lips up turning until the smirk is almost ear to ear. "But that's okay, I don't mind waiting," you say. "I think he will be worth it."

[dreambunnynotes]

daily reflection: nov. 26th ❤︎

today was a really, really good day in terms of getting things done and feeling positively about myself! my mental health really improved once i figured out my direction for the week, so that's good for me to know for the future. anyway, here is my reflection on the day:

accomplishments:

i did my whole morning routine and felt so great about it! checking off a to-do list first thing in the morning really gives me the structure i need to feel safe and motivated, i really love it so far.

i had an amazing guitar lesson; we came up with a fantastic plan for a long-term guitar project and i am so thrilled to be motivated again! my teacher is everything i had hoped for when searching for someone to work with and i couldn't have asked for a more empathetic and knowledgeable person to learn from 😭 they also seemed genuinely excited and interested in the project idea which made me feel so much better about suggesting such a lofty goal.

i spent a long time practicing guitar today after my lesson, and also arranged a whole song on piano which was SO fun! it wasn't even challenging for me to chart out the sheet music which used to be my biggest weakness. it was nice to see how much i've improved!

i ordered all of my mum's christmas presents for my dad (he's not the best with computers so i helped lol) and it was so satisfying! i also figured out what i'm going to make her for christmas and plan on getting all of the materials this week.

i joined a discord server for fanfic writers from my favourite fandom, and i'm so proud of myself for trying something new to make friends and also to inspire my writing!

even though i got to bed late, i still did my evening skincare and proved to myself that i can follow through on my goals!

things to improve:

i am really struggling to get to bed at a good hour, oof. even when i complete all of my evening tasks as early as 8:30pm i still end up staying up until 12:00am or later, mindlessly seeking dopamine. i need to figure out how to trick my brain into enjoying the wind-down / sleep process, so tomorrow i might make a "romanticizing bedtime" list to help myself out.

i think it would really help me to finish up my dream life and waiting room scripts, since i've also been majorly slacking on those. i'll make it a goal this week to finally finish those up.

have a great sleep and take care everyone, excited to report back tomorrow and hope you're taking good care of your lovely self! ❤

[cinnamonest]

your xiao x teacher!darling post got the absolute degenerate part of me thinking and now my fav dynamic is xiao x therapist!darling. poor boy cant control himself when literally anyone shows a sliver of kindness at all. darlings naivety has lead her to brush off any signs of a crush as a coincidence until he eventually cant take it anymore and noncons her because he has no other way to communicate what he wants. <3

Yesssss he would fall in love with someone who shows him the slightest semblance of caring, this is accurate

---

He didn't want to go, but either someone (an employer noticing a lack of output or the like) essentially forced him into it. Therapy... he doesn't need something like that. He's perfectly fine. Is he the most social or upbeat person in the world? No, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him. He's very begrudging about it at first, thinks that maybe after a session or two you'll realize he doesn't have anything wrong with him, and that there's no reason for him to keep coming.

Likewise, he doesn't really... open up very easily. At first, he gives a lot of one-word answers. Yes, no, maybe, etc. Occasionally "I don't know," which is an improvement, since it's three words. You have to work with him for a while to get him to open up about himself and his feelings. You do insist he should keep coming, this being at first much to his dismay, but after a while... he doesn't mind it as much. He keeps finding that he does feel better overall after each session for the rest of the day. Maybe it's not so bad after all, he thinks. It's probably just catharsis.

When he finally does really open up, though, it all sort of comes pouring out at once, like a bursting dam. He has a particularly bad day or something, and he just kind of breaks. It all comes spilling out -- how he has no motivation in life, no direction, his life feels devoid of anything that brings him pride or happiness, so on and so on. How he has no partner... no friends... no ambitions... he's just... very empty. He doesn't use the word lonely, but he does mention more than once that he has no real source of interaction.

Well, of course, you see that as a very fixable issue. Of course someone with no social support or resources would feel isolated and consequently depressive. He just needs, you know, a social network. Friends.

...Except therein lies the problem.

Do you ever go out to social venues?

No.

Do you ever try talking to your peers?

No.

Do you have any special interests that there might be events for?

No.

You go down the line, but get the same answers. You find he work from home, never goes out for lunches or groceries, preferring to get it all delivered. The most social interaction he gets is you and the occasional email back and forth to his employer. No hobbies, except for games and collecting some niche things. Terrible eating and sleeping habits, he gets no nutrition, is addicted to caffeine, never gets any sunlight or fresh air, and his internal clock is completely in disarray from an irregular sleep schedule, no doubt contributing to his depressive issues.

And when you suggest he try to get out more and make acquaintances, he gets an uncomfortable look on his face. He mutters something about how he'll try, but he's not even really trying to hide that it's insincere.

On the bright side, he does seem to make some effort to fix his other habits, but you realize very quickly he has no intentions of actually trying to form relationships with others. You keep stressing that social interaction is essential to one's mood and mental health, but it's like talking to a brick wall. Eventually you lay off trying to get through to him on that end.

But he also gets much better about being very transparent, will openly talk about things that upset him or bother him. He ends up starting to take up the whole allotted half-hour as well, whereas he used to be so closed-off that after fifteen minutes or so you'd run out of anything to say and end things early.

In fact, after a while, he ends up switching his weekly session to a different day of the week so that he can come in for a full hour. He's still somewhat awkward about it all -- he never looks you in the eye, tends to do these sort of nervous habits like wringing his hands and bouncing his leg a lot, but the fact that he keeps coming back is a testament to the fact that he's obviously getting something beneficial out of your sessions.

...In truth, though, it's not really your advice or anything. Actually, he hasn't been following said advice at all -- he's still staying up late at night, hasn't changed any consumption habits, he just lied about having fixed both of those because he didn't want you to be disappointed.

But he is happier. He looks forward to coming to see you, it's the highlight of his week. He just enjoys your presence. You're so nice, your voice is so soothing, you smile when you see him and it makes him feel all warm and weird, but in a good way, an addictive way. No one has ever asked him about how he feels before. No one has ever given him empathy for his problems. And sure, he feels bad not fixing his habits and lying and all that, but the concern you show for his well-being makes him feel cared about, like he has significance to you. He's not lying when he says he feels a lot better these days.

He knows, of course, that you're doing all of this because you're getting paid. If he didn't have the money, he wouldn't be here. It's your job to care... or at least pretend to. Maybe there's a slight empathy there that's just part of human nature, but if he were to stop coming tomorrow, he would never cross your mind again, he's sure of that. Sometimes he lays there at night (well, morning, since he goes to bed around 3 a.m. or so), reflecting on the matter, sulking in bitterness about it. Yeah... it's just feigned concern. It's just your job.

...No, you're not pretending. Sure, you are getting paid, but you're a sweet person, you're so nice, surely you do care. Plenty of doctors and similar professions do genuinely care about their patients, and often get personally emotionally invested in their well-being, right? That's why they go into the profession in the first place! The same is true for you. You wouldn't be doing this if you didn't care.

So, then... you do genuinely care. You have to. Even if money is a transactional part of the matter, you do really care, even if it's just that you simply wish good for his well-being out of general empathy and benevolence. It is real in its own way. It's a blissful thought.

You've already noticed that these sessions are more conversations these days than anything. He keeps derailing the sessions by asking you about your life, what you do in your spare time, the kind of questions you might ask a client (even the more invasive questions). You entertain the questions briefly, since it's good for him to get some interaction, but you always follow up your answers with a 'well, let's get back to talking about you, okay?' And he's compliant... until asking another question about you a few minutes later. And back and forth it goes.

Until one day, he sort of crosses a line.

In his defense, you asked him first. You figured that he would probably be happier with a partner, most people are, but for someone like him, you know getting one might... present a challenge. Can't meet people if he never goes out, and you're pretty certain he'd be the type to avoid dating apps like the plague, so you don't even bring that option up. But you did figure it would be worth asking if he's ever had one. He went to school and college, right? Maybe had a high school sweetheart or a college relationship or something?

No. He just shakes his head. You can tell he's about to say something, you see his lips part just the slightest, so you stay quiet. But he takes a few moments to speak.

...What about you?

The question catches you a bit off-guard. You hesitate for a moment, and just sort of mumble. Oh, well, that's... that's not really relevant, haha. Anyway...

He just nods in response, but you can see the displeasure on his face. Maybe he's irked he didn't get an answer, or maybe he's formed his own conclusion based on the lack of an answer, and doesn't like that conclusion. Still, it doesn't feel quite as awkward as that time you got around to the standard 'are you sexually active' question and just got a blank stare and quick shaking of the head as a response, so at least it wasn't that bad.

Regardless, he doesn't stop trying. As time goes by, he keeps prying more and more, trying to get information out of you, always seemingly displeased when you abruptly cut him off. He might be a bit socially inept, and isn't always particularly perceptive, but he gets the message when you are clearly shutting him down from asking anything further. And he wouldn't want to upset you, so he obliges. Always walking a thin line.

But if he can't get answers out of you, he'll have to resort to other measures. It's compulsive, he has to do it, he's been losing sleep over the thoughts.

It's not too hard to find you online. Aside from a brief listing of you on the psychiatric group's website, he eventually tracks you down on social media, your family, your friends. You did say he needs to learn how to do social networking, right? This is sort of like that, minus any of him actually interacting with anyone. In fact, it's incredibly easy to find all sorts of things about you. He's able to find even more, the deeper he digs. Where you got your certification. Where you went to high school. Old pictures of you, thankfully some of your acquaintances have public social media profiles and an image with you in it here or there. He ends up spending hours and hours scrolling through page after page, only realizes how long he's been looking at it when he sees the sunrise through the window.

It almost makes him feel guilty and embarrassed the next time he sees you. How is he supposed to look you in the eye knowing he spent several days scouring the web for crumbs of your existence? What would you think if you knew about that? You'd be freaked out for sure.

You notice he's acting a bit off, but, well, he's a bit of a unique individual, slightly eccentric or unusual behaviors and mannerisms aren't uncommon for him. He fidgets and mumbles a lot and leaves a bit earlier than usual, kicking at the leaves on the sidewalk in frustration as he walks, all the way until he's home.

He's fully aware it's all unhealthy. He realizes it's a sign there's something wrong with him. But obviously there is something wrong, or he wouldn't be coming to you to begin with.

But that leads to a new train of thought. If he were to fix his problems, there wouldn't be a need to see you anymore. Or even if you saw him sometimes, you'd probably tell him he doesn't need to come in as often or for as long. That thought is unpleasant, as soon as it crosses his mind, he begins to worry. What if he runs out of problems to talk about? Or, more likely, what happens when you realize he's not making the changes you told him to? You'll reach an impasse, where there's nothing you can do and give up on him.

So if he fixes his problems and gets better, you'll be out of his life. But if he refuses, the same will be true. No matter what he does, he's at risk of losing you. There's no route he can take that works out in his favor! He ends up pacing around his room, running through his thoughts on the matter for hours. He was hoping to think of another way at first, but after a while he's forced to acknowledge there's really only one way to ensure he can continue to see you indefinitely: having to go out of his way to ask you to meet him outside of the sessions.

And, well, he quite simply cannot do that. Absolutely no way. The mere thought makes him feel sick. There's no way he can summon the gall to ask you that. You would surely say no, probably get creeped out if not worse. He probably wouldn't be able to see you at all after that.

But if he doesn't do something, one way or another, this can't last, and the knowledge that it can't last is going to eat him alive every waking second. It already keeps him awake at night.

He knows he's reaching the so-called point of no return when he finally gives into an urge he's been having for a while: waiting until your day ends and following you home, on a day that's not the day he comes to see you (if he planned it on that day, he'd surely act strange enough beforehand that you'd be wary). He knows that that is definitely something normal people do not do. Normal people occasionally internet-stalk, sure, but this? It's the kind of thing people get involuntarily committed for. Would you do that? Would you get him in actual trouble if you knew about it? He would like to think you would be okay with it, but the rational part of his brain says otherwise. He tries to prevent himself from doing it again, but once the impulse is given into once, it's harder to fight off in the future, and he ends up doing it again, and again.

If you really wanted to point a finger of blame to what pushes him over the edge, though, it would unfortunately be the internet. He has no one better to ask how to solve his problems, so why not a bunch of strangers behind screens?

He's frustrated with the answers he gets. Granted, it is the internet populace, but when he posts to an anonymous board about his problem, he's still irked that the answers are far from helpful. Sure, after posting it, he realizes that the way he worded the whole thing is really really creepy, and that he probably should not have included the details of having followed you home and stalked you online ("collecting data" was the term he used, though), but these replies are unnecessary. Mostly poking fun at him, replying with implications that he's a stalker and memes. One guy mockingly replies with "here try this" and a staged stock photo of someone tied up in the trunk of a car. Ugh. Should have known better than to trust these assholes to be of any help. He's not like that.

...Is he?

You know, a mentally sound person wouldn't even consider such a thing, or so he thinks to himself. Guess you were right to say he needed frequent sessions.

Admittedly, the thought does stick with him. Couldn't say exactly when it goes from a laughable, far-fetched idea to something that starts to seem feasible and practical. It's a gradual thing, perhaps. The thought just pops up in his head every now and then for a few minutes, and the more it occurs, the more desensitized to the concept he gets, the less it triggers that socially instilled sense of immediate avoidance and nervousness most people get at the thought of committing a serious crime.

Likewise, the more he thinks about it, the more justified it feels. Technically, you are there to help him get better. You were supposed to fix him. So, from a logical point of view, if he does something... abnormal, perhaps criminal, to you, that's technically your fault for not curing him, right? If you had done your job a bit better, he wouldn't be having these thoughts to begin with. Besides, when you chose this career path, you're knowingly acknowledging risks like this. Which means you were okay with taking the risk of this happening to you, which is basically a form of consent in and of itself, is it not? The more he repeats it to himself -- and he does, over and over, whenever he's sitting slouched over in his desk chair or laying in bed or taking a (rare) shower -- the more he gets used to the idea, envisions it in his head.

He cancels one week. Calls the front desk of the psychiatric facility (a big step for him, as much as he hates having to talk to strangers on the phone, so you're proud of that much), tells them he has to cancel over a schedule conflict. Which does strike you as odd -- since when does he have anything else going on in his life? Maybe he's finally listened to you and decided to go be social or something, or maybe it's just another type of appointment... you hope maybe it's the former.

In truth, he's worried things will go badly if you see him right now. He's not in a very good state of mind, it's all becoming too consuming, he's neglected sleep and work. He has to take that week to work himself back down, get rid of the jitteriness and bloodshot eyes that you would undoubtedly notice if you saw him in person. Just enough to see you again without you immediately getting freaked out.

You know something is a little off, still, when he does come in the following week. But that's normal, people often behave strangely when going through periods of change in their lives, so this is actually probably a good sign!

...Although it is rather unsettling. It's different from his usual brand of weird. Instead of the frustrated tone and grumbling and looking at the ground, his voice is very... flat. Empty. No trace of the usual demeanor, not even the coldness he can get when he's particularly irked.

But even more unnerving is that, rather than looking at the ground, at the wall, back and forth the way he always does, he looks right at you. Fixated on your face, eyes staring directly into yours, you haven't even seen him blink. His own expression is also completely blank, transfixed. It's incredibly unnerving, you find that you end up looking down at the ground for once. You did tell him once that he doesn't make eye contact enough for social appropriateness, so maybe he's trying a little too hard to rectify that or...?

You feel like somehow he's getting worse, and yet for some reason, when you ask him the standard opening question -- how have you been? -- he seems to perk up.

He nods, finally shows some emotion in the form of what appears to be a sort of resolution on his face. He says he's thought a lot about some of the things you've said. That you were right, that he can't keep living with no goals or direction, can't keep up the unhealthy lack of socialization. So, he's put a lot of consideration into it, and he's decided that very soon, he's going to be making some major changes to his life, for the better.

Well, if that's truly the case, you're very happy for him, you say. Granted, based on his history, you're not inclined to believe he's actually going to make any changes, but part of the job is always believing in your patients and all that. He seems more determined than usual, so, maybe he really is serious about it. You hope so. He seems like such a sweet boy at heart, you really do want to see him change for the better and be happy.

He knows that too. Says he's very serious about it this time. He's going to go through with what he's decided is the best course of action, and in the end, he will be perfectly content and happy. He'll probably be more productive, more energetic, more motivated, everything. It'll all get better.

And technically, you will be the cause. You'll see. He'll be sure to thank you for all your help, too, he's very grateful.

[claypigeonpottery]

Heyyyyy~ I'm just... So in love with all the work you do, they're all so precious and beautiful I'm in tears. Thank you so for what you do, can't wait to buy something you made soon :D

If it's okei, can you please tell the story of how you got into this and how did you progress from being babie artist to now growing artist and how long you've been doing this for? What's your top 3 fav works you've done? Did you eat good food today, if not please dooo. Thenks

thank you! that's very sweet x3 I'm excited to get more stuff fired and up on Etsy, hopefully before the end of June

.

choose three favourites of my work? oh, that is a difficult question.

one thing I really didn't like about my art when I was younger was that it was all very static. it was people sitting or standing, it was still life paintings. one of the things I'm really proud of in my work now is the sense of capturing a moment instead of someone posing, and/or giving a sense of movement

these two are just the opposite of static and I love them for that

and then there's this mug. the design is great, the details are great and I had so much fun carving it. it was honestly just delightful and I wish I'd kept it. I don't say that very often.

all sold

.

I'm putting the rest of this under a cut because I'm going to ramble

I started drawing because I was making silly comics about me and my friends in grade school and through high school (I assigned them all fursonas because I was a really cool 15 year old lol)

I got a little more serious about art in high school, but I never thought it'd be something I'd make money at.

when I was... in my early twenties? maybe 19 still? ah, memory issues, I went through a nine month art program, the 'Urban Canvas' project run by SCYAP (saskatoon community youth arts programming). the program is meant to support young artists, especially those with mental health or addiction issues. and it meant I got paid to draw and paint and create weird shit for 40 hours a week, for nine months. and then some (seven? eight?) years later I got to go through the program again which... honestly I'm so grateful I got to do that. (and SCYAP still supports me, they give me a table at their craft show every year and helped me with my first solo gallery show)

these are some of the pieces I made during my time at SCYAP:

and two very rare pictures of me, posing with two of my master studies. the left from when I was 20ish, and the right when I was... 27ish? (man I'm still proud of that Gentileschi copy)

.

it was after SCYAP when I started thinking that I could actually make money as an artist. so I painted more than a dozen murals, drew a 20-some page full colour comic, painted pet portraits, and sold my own paintings. commissions were more reliable than selling my own work for a long time lol

as for how I got into pottery, my mental health uh... haha. it took a nosedive about six years ago and during some of the worst of it, I was severely agoraphobic. my mom, who has always supported my art, offered to take me to pottery classes with her, in an attempt to get me leaving the house at least once a week. it did help (along with a lot of other things) and once I started exploring the surface decoration side of pottery, things really clicked for me

.

tangent: one of the things that really drove me to progress as an artist was having something driving my work. whether it was preparing for a gallery show or making a bunch of holiday cards or making piles of fan art because I was obsessed. every time I made something, anything, I improved. so when I had a goal that made me create more, I improved faster.

my unsolicited advice: make that weird fan art. it's good for your art. (I was really into tf2 lol)

.

I've tried tons of different mediums and I think it was a great way to help my style evolve.

when you're making art with a new medium, it might take awhile before you're making your own personal work. I, at least, find that I usually have to do some studies of other peoples' art and just try some basic creations before I do anything more personal. but once I'm ready to do MY stuff, I have a new repertoire to pull from. I wouldn't be the potter I am if I didn't have the experiences I got from other mediums

like acrylics (I did a lot of self portraits >.>)

paper flower making

watercolour

collage

cake decorating

(also oil paints, pastels, 3D wire art, crochet, linocut, stone carving, sewing, set painting and quilting. also my spouse and I like to make crafts together, like cutting-construction-paper, gluing-pompoms-and-googly-eyes crafts, because it's just fun to make stuff together)

I'm sure pottery isn't the last medium I'm gonna try. I'll probably get obsessed with carving tiny wooden figurines or making wax sculptures at some point. who knows!

.

and now I'm in my mid-thirties, making art pretty much every day. I've been doing this since I was a teenager, so almost twenty years now.

I never imagined I'd be satisfied with my own art, that I could look at most of my pieces and not see how I could have done it better, but hey, here I am.

.

wow that was rambly. the ADHD really comes out when I'm writing lol. and I did eat real food today! before having some freezies

thanks so much for your ask, hopefully I satisfied your curiosity

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

You guys, I had a terrible time at dinner with my girl friend tonight.

I don’t know if she was feeling threatened or jealous of how much weight I lost (she made a comment about me being “so small”) but the vibe was off from the beginning.

I was in a really good mood, excited to see her, and very bubbly when I sat down for dinner. Maybe it annoyed her. I told her about all the things I’d been doing to improve me health. She looked kind of annoyed and asked, “Have you considered that you might be going through perimenopause!?” I really hate when people try to diagnose my symptoms because my health problems are very personal and stressful for me.

Then, we discussed the restaurant menu and I mentioned that I don’t eat carbs. Again, she gives me this disgusted and annoyed look as if I’m crazy: “You know you need carbs, right?” I told her I don’t eat them, starches neither. She goes, “Okay,” in a tone as if to imply that I’m an idiot and I don’t know what I’m doing.

I considered ending the dinner right there. As far as I was concerned, the night was over and ruined anyway. But I sat through the dinner, with a knot in my stomach, because I didn’t have the courage to walk away. I was so disappointed. I really wanted to enjoy myself with her. I liked her. But this was another friendship I would have to let go of before we even made it to a year together.

After she was kind of mean to me, I made the decision to never see her again.

I really do believe she was annoyed because I looked and sounded radiant. That’s not me being full of myself: women just do that to each other sometimes. My mom is a dick to me when I look nice. You’ve probably had other women be rude to you because they were jealous.

I can’t remember the exact line from the office, but Kelly once made this remark, “everyone in the office is always mean to hot girl!” 😂 (And by “hot girl”, Kelly was talking about herself). I laughed to line at this line as I drove home from that horrible dinner.

I’m really bummed because I wasted three and a half hours of my precious time with her. I could have and should have been at home, watching my favorite 70’s crime drama, enjoying my solitude.

It’s bad enough that I hate men and want to stay single. But it seems I’m doomed to really be alone forever because I can’t seem to find and keep long term friendships even with women. 😞

I don’t understand. I didn’t do anything wrong to her. Why was she behaving that way? She made me feel as if I had done something wrong. I really do feel horrible. It’s as if I can’t do anything right in this world when people treat me badly. As a woman of color, I really can only depend on other woman of color for understanding in this world but I can’t even depend on them. This feels so bad.

Every time I have to let go of someone, it feels as if my world is shrinking. At this point, all I have is my mom and my sisters.

[folklorianhaze]

Recuperation

Pairing: Nesta x Cassian (Nessian)

Rating: T (13+)

Tags: One Shot, Sick Character, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Cassian takes care of Nesta

Word Count: 1347

Summary: Nesta has come down with a particularly nasty head cold.

Cassian, of course, decides to nurse her back to health.

Fluffy Nessian oneshot. Post-canon. I just adore these two and was in the mood to write them a little drabble!

Read it on AO3 here!

“Go away,” came a frail, rasping voice from beneath a veritable mountain of fluffy blankets and pillows. “I feel like Death incarnate.”

Cassian reached forward and dared to lift one of the blankets, greeted by a crown of burnished golden-brown hair — kept down today instead of swept up into one of his mate’s usual intricate, elegant updos. The rest of Nesta Archeron’s face was buried so thoroughly beneath the soft fabrics that she was nearly lost entirely to him. Cocooned and comfortable, as she should be, given how thoroughly her recent bout of illness seemed to have beaten her down. Indeed, perhaps it was an indicator of just how drained she truly was feeling that she didn’t swat his hand away or struggle at all to get her blankets back as he gently lifted them away from her face.

He pressed a hand flat against her forehead, and sighed with relief. “It feels like your fever might finally be breaking,” he said. “Is Death incarnate at least an improvement from how you were feeling a few hours ago?”

Nesta groaned, but shifted her head in something that might have been a nod. “I suppose it’s not worse,” she conceded, her voice rough from coughing.

Slowly, Cassian brushed her hair back from her sweat-dampened forehead. He stroked his fingers through the waves falling past the curve of her neck, his movements repetitive, soothing.

“Shit,” he breathed. “You still sound awful. ‘M so sorry, Nes.”

To his surprise, she gave him a breathy, disjointed chuckle.

“I wonder if you’ll still be saying such things when I get my voice back properly, Cassian,” she murmured. “You’ll regret being so sympathetic when I can bark orders at you all hours of the day again.”

“Actually,” he said, ducking down to press a kiss to the top of her head, “that’s the part I’m missing the most right now.”

She nestled herself farther down into her blankets, curling up into a fetal position as if making her body as small as possible would help reduce its pain. Cassian sank down onto the bed beside her, running his hand gently along the curve of her body. Alright, perhaps he was being a little fussy; but he’d be lying if he said that seeing her like this didn’t worry him a bit. His Nesta, so powerful and unstoppable, so determined to strike down her enemies where they stood . . . his stomach twisted at the sight of her so weary. He had to hope she was on the upper end of recovering from this nasty cold, and hoped more than anything his efforts to care for her had done something to make it better.

“What can I do to help?” he murmured, rubbing the curve where her neck met her shoulder in an effort to ease out any tension.

A flicker of a rueful smile touched the edges of Nesta’s mouth.

“You’re being quite the mother hen today,” she said. “I’m surprised you’re not telling me pain is weakness leaving the body or some other such nonsense.”

“Well, this is me speaking as your mate, not your trainer,” he said, smoothing a lock of her hair gently behind her ear. She leaned into the touch, made a soft noise in her throat that let him know she savored the affection. “Anyway, it’s best for you to let your body heal and rest up. Too much exercise right now would just make it worse.”

Nesta shuddered. “It’s difficult to get any rest at all when I just can’t get warm,” she groaned, pulling the blankets tighter around her body. A fitful series of coughs racked their way through her, and she added, “And my body feels so sore.”

“I know, love, I know,” he sighed, leaning down to kiss the top of her head once again. “I can draw you a hot bath, if you want. How does that sound?”

She mumbled something into the pillows that sounded like “the House can do it.”

“Alright,” he conceded, doing his best not to think too much on the House of Wind, and its unusual sentience and . . . friendship with Nesta. He supposed it wasn’t such a bad thing, having a home that cared for you and looked after you. “I should still help you to the bathing room, though. You look like you can barely stand.”

Nesta waved off his worries with an artless flap of her hand. “No, I can walk on my own. I’m not that decrepit yet, you bothersome male,” she said, though there was none of her usual bite behind the words. In fact, an amused affection gleamed in those blue-gray eyes, soft and almost reticent — a secret vulnerability, shared just with him.

She pushed some of the blankets aside, but kept one of the thinner quilts draped around her body like a cloak as she pulled herself up from bed. For a moment, she swayed on her feet, steadying herself with a hand on Cassian’s broad shoulder. His brow furrowed as he watched her in silence. When she met his concerned stare, he saw that a thin sheen of sweat lined her brow, a few wispy stray hairs sticking to her forehead. Determination lit her gaze, and with a lurch in his stomach he wondered if she still felt as if she had something to prove. As if she were fighting any sign of weakness tooth and nail, too scared to reveal herself as capable of being brought down by anything — even a cold.

“Nesta,” he breathed, the expression on his face softening. Not with pity — no, he knew she’d never forgive him if he were to look at her as if she were some fragile thing. Just love, and worry, and the instinct to hold her, support her, however he could. He reached out to stroke the line of her jaw, so proud and strong even in her most exhausted moments. “It’s alright.”

He saw the battle behind her eyes — the resolve in the set of her shoulders, the uncertainty of whether she should continue to force herself to stand tall or allow herself to be held. His warrior, fierce in everything she did. Even now, that look in his eyes reminded him of the painting that now hung in Feyre and Rhys’ river house — Nesta, holding the line, wind and snow whipping around her, at the Pass of Enalius.

Though people who didn’t know her, truly know her as he did, might have tried to say Nesta cared for nothing, Cassian understood the truth of it. The truth she would so rarely let anyone see: that she cared more than she could say, that in all things, she tried so hard. Constantly held herself up to standards she knew were nearly impossible to achieve, then berated herself when she couldn’t meet them.

But it was okay to relax, too — to let yourself feel supported by the people who love you in the times you need it. At that moment, Cassian realized how badly he wanted her to know that. Needed her to know that.

So he said again, “Nesta.” And this time, she didn’t hesitate as she let herself fold into his embrace, her arms wrapping around his waist and coming to rest against his back, with her fingers gently grazing his shoulder blades.

“I hate this,” she muttered against his chest. “I loathe feeling so weak.”

“You’re the strongest person I know, Nes,” he answered, giving her a tight, comforting squeeze. “Nothing could change that. Now, let’s get you that bath.”

And she’d been such a trooper today, been in such pain, that he didn’t argue one bit when she looked him in the eyes and responded with utter seriousness, “Yes. And two slices of chocolate cake. Possibly three.”

Cassian was true to his word. Later, when she’d at last gotten out of the tub (feeling marginally better now that her body and hair were both clean and fresh) they’d sat in bed and devoured not just those three pieces of chocolate cake, but the entire thing.

Courtesy of the House.