#I only found out I did that after recording myself for a public speaking class… I had to make a conscious effort not to blink so much

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Did anyone else used to lie on their bed or the ground and stare directly into a lightbulb and/or a ceiling fan when they were a kid?

[bloodybells1]

Heavy Metal is Not Your Mascot

The modern recast of heavy metal as salubrious societal analgesic comes at the price of its originally subversive appeal.

This video came across my algorithmically determined online television viewing streaming platform—otherwise known as YouTube—earlier this afternoon and watching it made me think some more about a topic I’ve been meditating on now for a long time: 

As someone who grew up in the 80s and 90s listening to heavy metal, who is now an adult living well into the 21st Century, I’ve often found the ongoing evolution of the public perception of this most idiosyncratic music genre rather puzzling. 

You see, I actually remember when the now laughable moral panic around heavy metal was in full swing, when the news show 2020 aired an episode about Ozzy eating a bat, about Judas Priest supposedly causing a couple of kids to shoot each other in the face and about Mötley Crüe being Satan worshippers because they put a pentagram on the cover of their second album. 

I mean, anyone who was born after 1990 has got to look back at that saga and see something truly surreal. How is it that such caricatures were so compelling, so effective in scaring the well-to-do, those bourgeois patriarchs and matriarchs who today, in the age of Internet pornography and 5,678,987 television shows, are way too inundated with imagery to really be scandalized by these bespandexed dudes with long tongues? At least the McCarthy Hearings can be seen as a national security concern and therefore seem somewhat believable that it occurred, so long as you consider the country had only recently come out of a world war and its principle ally had now become a world power with a diametrically opposed economic system. 

But some mumbly long haired white dude who chopped off the head of a bat in his mouth? 

If a dude in America bit off the head of a bat the way Ozzy did decades ago, he’d be commandeered by the feds for gain of function research (drumroll cymbal crash I’m here all week, folks), not become the subject of a scandal. Actually a dude who chops off the head of a bat with his teeth would today more likely have a reality show than become the subject of Senate Hearings. In fact, eventually, that dude did have a reality show (more on that soon).

But the truth is that heavy metal did in fact scandalize. The satanic imagery and long hair festooning the average metal album back in the 80s, funny as it may seem to modern sensibilities, did actually have the power to shock, no matter the quaintness of the moral panic by today’s standards. For myself growing up as a teenager in the late 80s, the sight of a grown man with a big mane, an electric guitar and a leather jacket signified an authentically antiauthoritarian pose and an effective political tool that communicated independence and freethinking. But the only way that it was actually able to signify all of that relied on its counterdependent effect on pearl-clutching conservative adults. Without the ability to scandalize, disturb and deregulate the affect of the authoritarian class, we teenage underlings had no power. If we couldn’t scare anyone, it’d be like a milquetoast haunted house, not anything to worry about and therefore not worthy of notice.

But this ability to serve as the bugbear for conformist interests could also acquire a specifically dialectical manifestation. You didn’t just have to turn it up to eleven to get people’s attention, you could also speak your mind, something that some of the more articulate members of the “movement,” if we can even call it that, like Dave Mustaine and Alice Cooper, made a habit of doing during interviews. I have a vivid recollection of being moved out of my seat in 1985 at the sight of Dee Snider, curly mop swinging from his head, entering the committee hearings that Tipper Gore put on for the purpose of those warning labels that are now ubiquitous on extreme music catalogs, mostly on hip-hop records (perhaps an early version of the now common trigger warning). He entered a room full of suits and politicians and on national television read aloud his prepared notes, decrying censorship and governmental overreach. In the following interview conducted by the committee—which, funnily enough, included Al Gore—Snider was charming, funny and intelligent, totally comfortable in front of DC legislators and, more importantly, persuasive in his defense of the moral imperative of his way of life. 

The importance of that particular moment for me is difficult to overstate. More so than even the weekly diet of videos on Headbanger’s Ball every Saturday night, the event of Twisted Sister’s frontman speaking truth to power on network television transformed my sense of what it meant to stand up for personal autonomy. Something about the juxtaposition of an articulate voice with a rebellious mien, like a Hell’s Angel with a PhD, floored me and shook me deeply: it made me believe in the necessity for heavy metal to be undergirded by an ideology, one that needed to be clearly defended using the lexicon of the “oppressor” against the oppressor and deployed by a member of the tribe. From that point forward heavy metal was for me a political device, not just a fantastic type of music, but a rhetorical quiver in a bow, a language and style comprising a disruptive affect designed to incense the neighbors. 

And it worked. After I grew my hair, stuck some pins on my denim jacket and ripped my jeans, I started having the impact I so desired. I made all the adults around me angry. All the teachers hated me. Every single grown person’s eye looked at me askance and clutched their children when they saw me walking down the block. And the reason why this all worked was because, back then, before our pop culture became recycled and regurgitated and remixed and mashed up over and over again, before the Internet made every new thing only yet another layer on a cultural palimpsest, heavy metal still had the ability to shock. There still were pockets in every suburb of every state suffused in middle class propriety with nary a flower pointing in the off direction, a purist fantasy more than easily defiled by the angry decibels of a car stereo blasting Iron Maiden. 

But what happens when this all changes? What happens when the Pope of Evil himself, the chiropteran eater, the Pablo Escobar of the offense cartel, one Ozzy Osbourne, reinvents himself as a lovable, hapless, perfectly innocent pater familias within that most innovative medium known as the reality show? What does it say about the political device of heavy metal when its chief icon, who for a whole decade was seen as the black void of all morality, becomes normalized, through one of the most commercial mediums in television, as merely another version of modernity’s companionate figure, the flawed-but-well-meaning father?

I think what happens is what’s in that video I started off this post talking about. What happens is the evolution of a once disruptive force into a kind of medicinal compost, a panacea for the legions of stressed subjects littering the manifold of capitalist relations in the new millennium, a political device turned into a therapeutic regimen. In the world of this video, where psychologists may opine with straight faces about the salubrious properties of heavy metal music, Ozzy Osbourne is no longer the archetype of evil he once truly represented, but an avuncular wizard with John Lennon spectacles, promising peace and harmony, all while—quietly—socially reproducing the specter of the beloved nuclear family. 

You might say that heavy metal is an example of that over-referenced business phenomenon, that is, the proverbial “victim of its own success.” It so captivated a whole generation of people, mostly Gen Xers, who’re by now all grown up, that these people have successfully, through shows like Stranger Things, influenced the subsequent generations’ curiosity for analog culture and managed to keep metal alive as a hotbed of durable cultural properties, though with the necessary consequence of deracinating it from any of its originally subversive potential. 

It’s true that authentically subversive metal continues to live on in the diaspora of micro-niche territories for which YouTube, SoundCloud and Spotify serve as the main platforms. Metal lives on, chiefly in the form of an extremely diversified field of thousands of new artists, many of whom have serious artistry and talent. 

The video above is in fact accurate: metal doesn’t so much as shock or disrupt as it catalyzes self-improvement through extreme ritual. There’s a very strong case to be made for the spiritual benefits that extreme imagery have on society. In Hinduism, the displays of icons of evil gods in front of one’s homes is encouraged, something poet Robert Bly calls “embracing the Shadow.” By this reading, an embrace of the lifestyles and rituals in heavy metal fandom constitutes a successful invitation of the darker energies inhabiting all spheres of human experience and which we ignore at our own peril. 

But the real sting is gone. The heavy metal of my adolescence was not a normalized construct which could be favorably documented for its restorative and spiritual potential. It was a terrifying and disruptive weapon that’d been placed in the hands of youths who were in desperate need to announce their personal autonomy. In my own case this took on the aspect of a need to set expectations around the adults in my life. I was to be understood not as a normal kid but as a self-described hellion and my manner of dress and musical taste reflected this desire to offend and frighten for the purpose of stating my preferred manner of being treated by adults, as someone who would not follow their prescriptions, values and career recommendations. 

Maybe I’m just falling victim to the natural tendency for older folks to chafe at the loss of their beloved value environments. “These kids,” and so forth. I will say that if you haven’t yet, please read Freddie DeBoer’s essay on the 90s because it makes a very strong case for why this might not actually be the case. It is true that the innocence of several decades ago looks positively embarrassing by today’s standards, especially when coupled with the decadence and optimism of new media in the 1980s (see “Looks that Kill”). Furthermore, the notion of heavy metal as an authentic political device is severely problematized by the hegemonic impact of its mostly white, male and, way too frequently, nativist, affect. It can be said that the primary maxim in heavy metal of the freedom to flout the rules is merely a reproduction of a Eurocentric, masculinized “freedom” to thrive in the patriarchal caste system it relies on for its special privileges (see Disco Demolition Night). Kaleefa Sanneh has written compellingly about how the rockist critical analysis that dominated music criticism for so long is another reproduction of this narrative (click here for my review of his book Major Labels). Interestingly, this problematization itself also needs further problematization through a class lens, as heavy metal has hardly been hegemonic in its role of providing a soundtrack for working class solidarity (it’s true that, in the overwhelming majority of cases, we’re talking about a white working class solidarity, but let’s save that conversation for another post). 

The idea that the public perception of heavy metal has been degraded from its originally revolutionary aspect relies on a certain element of the status quo that, since that time long ago, has greatly shifted. Cultural historian John Higgs has written powerfully about the exact nature of this shift, what he characterizes as an increase in emotional intelligence on the part of Gen Z. Read this piece he wrote about his experience watching one of the most beloved Gen X cultural properties, one that is situated perfectly with the zeitgeist of heavy metal’s classic 80s period, The Breakfast Club. To Higgs, having watched the film with a bunch of Gen Z kids led him to believe that this film, whose Bender protagonist so represented the deepest aspirations of nonconformists like myself, “no longer makes sense at all to modern teenagers.” It’s difficult to disagree with his analysis. Please do yourself a favor and read it (it’s short). 

The meaningful difference between the two eras being discussed here, the era of my adolescence and the era of the microdoc YouTube video I posted above, lies in the fact that adults are no longer being treated suspiciously by adolescents. This makes perfect sense when you consider that those of us who grew up during the 80s were experiencing a transitional period in between a paternal model of development and our modern companionate model. Heavy metal music was a perfect vehicle to defy the paternalistic encroachment of the adults who were still stuck in a pre-Elvis era of puritanical conformity. This isn’t the time or place to fully flesh out what I believe might be troubling about some aspects of the companionate model. But I think it’s beyond doubt that, in sheer terms of critical awareness and empathic response, Gen Z are miles ahead of Gen X, and that is something to take note of, especially for what it says about family relations. Interestingly, this advent has done little to stay the epidemic of mental illness among this cohort, though the causes and correlations of that are likely found in different arenas than in the family (ahem, Instagram, ahem). 

I will admit that it’s pretty clear that the revolutionary affect of the heavy metal of my teenage years appears more like a counterrevolutionary force in the present day. For a truly revolutionary art, punk music is a far more effective entity than heavy metal. Perhaps it was heavy metal’s more central provenance within the historical line of rock music that I found so persuasive back then. Unlike the zine pamphleteering and Xerox iconography of social unrest directly visible in punk music’s propaganda, heavy metal made a more mainstream case: it was a broader movement than anything punk could hope to muster. It’s interesting to consider that punk was popular only in its more tepid incarnations in college rock and Grunge while heavy metal could attain wide popularity with relatively less devaluation of its subversive content. 

But it’s this more broad appeal that also complicates the picture of a heavy metal music as a truly revolutionary force. 

At the same time, it’s hard for me to take seriously the idea that heavy metal today is to be lauded for its spirituality and therapeutic effects. The zeitgeist might have shifted to better, more humanistic environs. But heavy metal should not be regarded as the feisty commercialist mascot to a self-help movement. 

[enhyupn]

the perfect date! chapter one

masterlist | next

a series in which enhypen’s 02s competitive side shines through when trying to get your attention. the only solution to end this tiring rivalry? three dates with each of them in the course of three weeks.

paring: 02s x gn!reader

word count: 3k

genre: fluff, angst, high school!au, someone’s gonna end up heartbroken

warnings: swearing, violence is mentioned

ask to be on taglist, updates are irregular

a/n i literally had to dig this out of my drafts so i don’t even know myself what i’ve written PLSSS

taglist: @dchannie17 @simluvbot @jaeyuni @neocrush

falling in love at the age of twelve wasn’t what you were expecting while learning basic algebra. being heartbroken at the age of thirteen while reciting shakespeare was also not as expected. the cause of both of these unforgettable moments? park jongseong, or otherwise known as jay to almost everyone around you. your first love was something that stuck with you, even in the present. he was your seat mate in three of your classes and the person you would ask for the homework right before it’s due date. it was a one sided crush, it was quite obvious to you. he was popular, sporty and incredibly talkative, you were one out of maybe twenty people that had a huge bulging crush on him. 

at age fourteen you vowed to forget about him, the previous year he had moved to america to improve his english abilities which had put you in a miserable mood for almost all of your middle school life. who else was supposed to give you the math homework? how were you supposed to feel excited to go to school when jay wasn’t going to be there? your barely-a-teen mindset made you think you were never going to get over him.

flashing forward to freshmen year of high school, new school, new class and a clean slate to basically pretend you were a completely different person. no more being dependent on other people! no more trying to do anything to get friends! no more—

“hi, my name’s jake” oh boy.

and that’s how jake sim entered your life. it was his australian accent peaking through his words as he flashed you an energetic smile that pulled you in. you could of fallen for him at that instance, well you could of fallen for him throughout your years of friendship but the returning thought of your first love entirely stopped that process. jake sim was like a breath of fresh air, he was everywhere you went and had your back for everything.

you were his best friend and you thought of him like one too, you two were practically glued to one another. of course you had side comments, gossip that the two of you were dating or one of you two had an one sided crush (the latter part of that sentence we aren’t going to get that much into) but it didn’t make you two feel awkward or anything like that. with jake you almost forgot about jay (algebra and shakespeare being the things that stimulates the memory of him). although it wasn’t like jake was a rebound, you think yourself you’ve felt happier when you were around jake. i mean jake’s definitely popular, rivalling jay’s popularity in middle school even. if you asked anyone in your school who they’ve had a crush on, jake sim is number one on that list. he had some type of air around him, always being incredibly positive, he quite literally radiated the colour yellow. maybe you had a type when it came to people you associated with.

the close second on that list was maybe the complete opposite to jake in terms of their public image to the school. park sunghoon was the class president in your class. academically gifted, popular with the female population in your school, a talented figure skater, a stereotypical cold and distant beauty, there were a lot of layers to sunghoon. you personally had never really talked to him, the only time being when he had dropped papers on the ground in the hallways, maybe a few months ago. you helped him pick them up before carrying them with him to the teacher’s staff room. even then, you two had barely shared any words during that whole incident besides a “thank you”.

still, you could say you respected sunghoon. i mean who could have the energy to do his whole schedule besides him? you definitely could not. plus the way he was one of the most popular bachelors added to his busy schedule. the most recent valentine’s day was the proof as well as it was record breaking in your terms of your classes history with the day. having jake and sunghoon meant there were a lot of people trying to confess their feelings entering your classroom. last year, jake was stopped twenty three times the whole day, beating out sunghoon’s twenty sudden confessions. this year, there a sudden decline in jake’s confessions, a whopping three people only expressing their feelings desperately to him as he politely declined. sunghoon’s number rose by about ten people, expected but still a little shocking.

it wasn’t like the two of them cared about it, the only thing they did care about though was being polite when rejecting people. you couldn’t really sympathise with jake or sunghoon whenever they had to prepare yet another rejection, the only confession you’ve received being from yoon hyunsuk that was quite awkward considering he was a family friend and you saw him almost every week after you had rejected him.

anyways, returning to present time where you were doing your regular daily routine for a weekday. it always went waking up way too early, under eating breakfast in hopes to get the bus on time, meeting jake on the bus, walking to class with him and trying to not fall asleep in the middle of math class. it started off completely normal, maybe a little too normal.

“did you hear?” jake whispered in your ear. the two of you were supposed to individually practice questions but the chattery side of jake honestly got the best of him at moments like these.

“what is it?” you reply back quietly.

“a transfer student is coming in after lunch ends, one from america” now that really got your attention. you turn to him with your eyes wide in surprise, curiosity taking over you completely as you ignore the difficult question in front of you.

“did you see them?” jake couldn’t help but feel the sudden heat rush to his face as your sparkling eyes met his. “how do you even know this?”.

“ryujin told me plus, i saw a bit of him at the principal’s office” you looked behind him, trying to get a glimpse of the mentioned girl. the concentrated look on her face as she tried to solve the maths problem was evidence to you that she hadn’t heard her name being mentioned by jake. “said something about bleached hair that was definitely going to get the teachers mad”.

“now you got me excited” your small smile only sending butterflies to his stomach. you turn your head back down to face the still blank piece of paper, deciding that it was about time you started on that question.

“y’know he kinda looked familiar” the questioning tone in jake’s voice caught your attention, turning back to him in confusion.

“what do you mean?” a pout formed on your face. more confusion took over your face when you realised jake looked away from you quite fast, his ears turning a slight shade of pink.

“i— i don’t know” he silently cursed himself for letting himself fall deeper into his one sided crush from only small moments. his sudden black mind caused him to forget what he was meant to say to you, only leaving you puzzled by his words.

jake sitting opposite to you as you ate your unsettlingly warm sandwich, was really the only thing really going on during lunch that say. although weirdly enough, park sunghoon’s glances and staring was a new addition to your lunch time. even without directly looking at him, you could feel his eyes as they dug into the back of your head.

“you know you can relax, sunghoon’s not gonna bite you” jake commented on your stiffness. you bit your lip anxiously when you realised how loud he was being, not wanting sunghoon to know he was currently the topic of conversation between the two of you.

“if you speak any louder he might hear you” you angrily whispered to his face as you rolled your eyes. the boy chuckled before placing a small ball of rice into his mouth.

“he won’t idiot” jake tells you with maybe little too much confidence. you noticed that sunghoon had looked away from you abruptly, his cheeks visibly reddening as he faced his desk. “oh”.

“why are you like this?” you expressed you concerns. jake shrugged his shoulders, not understanding where you were coming from. “i should be excited for the new student, not trying to tame you from embarrassing our class president!”, your voice lowering at the last few words.

“i think he wants to tell you something”

“i think i want you to shut up” you muttered and you took another bite from your sandwich, wincing at the warm tomato and soggy lettuce that came into contact with your mouth.

jake was about to fire back but was only stopped by your phone violently vibrating on the table. your eyes widen in embarrassment as you frantically tried to get to it. you turn your phone to look at the screen, a notification telling you someone was calling you. jake tried to take a peek at your phone, only abandoning the plan when he saw you glare at him.

“hey yeojin” a small smile forming on your lips when reciting your middle school friend’s name. im yeojin was your best friend up until high school when her parents made her go to an all girls boarding school instead of your co-ed high school. she hated it so much when it was initially brought up by them but from the looks of it now, she’s actually enjoying herself. yeojin was the only person, excluding jake, that ever knew about your crush on jay. jake found out when the two of you were looking through old middle school pictures, you pointed at jay in a class photo and that’s the story on how jake knows about jay’s existence. “what’s up?”.

“i’m not supposed to be on my phone” her voice was frantic. you knew from her many, many letters that her school was strict when it came to personal phones. she was only allowed it everyday for thirty minutes during lunch on the weekdays, three hours on the weekends. “but, i have some exciting news for you”.

“what is it?” jake could see your eyes glisten in curiosity. he chuckled to himself as he placed his chin in his palm, his full attention being placed onto you.

“guess”

“i can’t believe you’re doing this right now” you squinted in annoyance at her playfully attitude.

“i was kidding” yeojin’s contagious laugh caught up to you, making it look like you forgot about her joke on you. “but you know how you’re old instagram account got deleted because of—”

“don’t say it” you interrupted through gritted teeth. jake laughed loudly at your reaction, catching the attention of sunghoon yet again.

“anyways, and you basically lost all of our middle school classes handles?”

“yes, i remember it all a little too well” embarrassment laced through your words as you remembered the never-to-be-mentioned-again memory.

“anyways so jay...” your eyes lit up at the mention of his name, an unsettling feeling in jake’s stomach appearing due to your expression. “he’s back!”.

“he’s back?” you stood up from your seat in surprise. your class looked at you in concern before you apologised as you embarrassing lowered yourself down to your seat. “you’re not kidding me right?”.

“why would i lie?” you could feel yeojin’s eyes rolling through the phone. “oh shit, patrol’s back. gotta go, i’ll send a letter soon—”

jake watched as you ended the call staying seated with your eyes widened, unable to process what had happen. you couldn’t pinpoint any of the emotions you were feeling, were you happy? anxious? scared? you had no clue. you bite your lip, hoping the action can help your blank mind.

“so—”

“is this 3-A?” a loud voice entering the class interrupted jake, causing the boy to sigh out of frustration.

you turned your head in the direction. you felt yourself shake in more shock when you realised who the person at the entrance was, and from the way they looked back at you, he realised who you were to. you abruptly looked away, facing the window on your left with your face burning up as you held up a hand to cover your face.

jake’s puzzled expression took over his face before putting the pieces together. his heart was beating at such a fast rate that he felt breathless, he didn’t think he was at all ready to see his crush’s first love entering their own classroom.

he watched as sunghoon did his usual mannerly class president thing, standing up from his seat all professional and kind before making his way to jay with an open hand for him to shake.

“hello, you’re earlier than expected” sunghoon smiled, unsure if it was genuine or not due to the fact the boy in front of him didn’t even acknowledge his presence. he dropped his hand before letting out a quiet irritated sigh, trying to figure out what he had his eyes on.

even with sunghoon’s growing annoyed expression, jay’s eyes were still trained on you. it was like you were frozen, no muscle in your body allowed you to move as you blankly stared outside the window. the only thing moving was your eyes shutting completely as you felt footsteps coming your way, instantly knowing who it belonged to.

“y/n” a cheery voice made it’s way to jay’s words.

sunghoon raised an eyebrow at the two of you, not entirely following this whole situation. how did he know you? why did you seem so embarrassed? bashful even? and why was jake staring at jay like he just killed his family?

“j-jay hey, y-you’re back” you finally turned your head, however still unable to look at him in the eyes. jay chuckled at the way you tripped over your words, memories of the two of you from middle school playing in his head. he glanced down beside you, the empty seat almost begging him to sit there.

you almost feel yourself jump into your seat when you noticed jay was pulling back the chair beside you as he prepared himself to sit down. at this point jake’s face was visibly red, glaring at jay for reasons that cannot be exactly explained and sunghoon’s feet had even brought him all the way to your desk meaning he had a full view of this whole mess. you four had the whole classes attention, even with some whispering to each other about you. 

“it’s been a while” jay smiled through his words as he sat down, his position facing you as you struggled to make eye contact. you could feel yourself sweating from the unbearable heat coming from your cheeks, your head still blank unable to think properly.

“you two know each other?” sunghoon asked curiously as he placed his hand on his hip. you don’t know why but you cursed sunghoon silently in your head for asking that question, the thought of jay telling him you were only his friend pained you.

“yeah, middle school classmates” jay finally acknowledged the boy’s presence. sunghoon nodded in reply as he scanned your expression, unable to understand how you were feeling. “i had— i can’t say it it’s too embarrassing actually” jay rubbed his neck embarrassingly before turning away in embarrassment, only for his eyes to meet jakes.

“no, carry on” jake’s few words came out as a little passive aggressive but didn’t particularly offend jay in any way. it was quite obvious to everyone but you that jake was being a little jealous, possessive maybe from the way he glared at jay and sunghoon, who frankly didn’t really do anything up until this point.

“oh okay...” jay didn’t know why he felt nervous. maybe it was cause jake couldn’t keep his glare off of him or he was about to regret his next few words. “i had the biggest crush on y/n”.

now that got your attention. with wide eyes your eyes made contact with his at last, his cheeks were tinted pink and he had a bashful smile spread across his lips. you could even see jake in the corner of your eyes closing his mouth as he tried to recover from the shock. while sunghoon, who was right behind jay, looked like he wasn’t completely over the shocking revelation.

“i—” you felt speechless. this was the first time you’ve heard anything about this, you didn’t even think you were ever going to hear those words. you once again tried to open your mouth in an attempt to reply but was just met with nothing.

“they didn’t like me back though” jay continued. you looked at him like he was crazy, your eyebrows raised with confusion taking over your face.

“but i—”

“y/n can we talk....” jake’s voice interrupting your soon to be confession as he stared at you with a serious expression. you turned to him, once again not fully processing this whole situation. “...outside the classroom?”.

you glanced back to jay who looked visibly irritated, rolling his eyes as he ran his fingers through his hair. sunghoon just stood behind him, staring at jake with what looked to be some sort of fear. letting out a sigh, you stood up from your seat as you looked jake in the eyes.

“let’s go outside jake” you were slightly thankful for his sudden request due to you not wanting to be stuck in that suffocating environment. you watched as he stood up from his seat, his expression changing into quite an anxious one.

the curiosity didn’t leave you as you followed jake out of the classroom, you even heard your classmates whisper to each other as you passed them. you didn’t even want to look back to see the face of jay, you had ended your long awaited reunion short just to go talk to your best friend by the staircase. jake glanced around the area to make sure nobody was there to listen to what he had to say.

“thanks for getting me out of there—”

“i like you” those three words almost made you faint on the spot.

was it time to wake up now?

[x0401x]

Jeweler Richard Fanbook Short Story #5

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Iolite of Cloudy Skies

Iolite. Its Japanese name was “blue flower stone”. The gem was blue with a purple tint stronger than that of a sapphire and had a unique viscosity that made it seem as if it was coated with a bit of dew. The level of hardness was seven. It was called iolite when treated as a gemstone, but when treated as a type of mineral, it was also called cordierite. It was an eccentric stone, which also appeared to have a grayish brown color instead of blue depending on the angle that one looked at it. Etc., etc.

“What happened, Seigi? Your eyes are dead.”

“How can I put it...? Surfeit, I guess.”

“Haah?”

I couldn’t memorize the stones’ names. They were too many.

The client who left just now had come because they wanted to see many sorts of blue stones, so Richard’s treasure box was packed with a great variety of blues. There were sapphires, of course, and also tanzanites, lapis lazuli, blue chalcedonies and this iolite.

Half a year before I had started working part-time in Etranger, the image I had of gemstones was limited to things such as diamonds, rubies, sapphires and emeralds, I believed. Now I knew about the existence of a stone named zircon, which shone in the same way as a diamond, and also knew about the spinel, which was red like a ruby, as well as that the color of sapphires was not just blue, having a wide range from purple to yellow, and I had seen transparent jades that were impossible to tell apart from emeralds.

If I had as much knowledge of minerals as Tanimoto-san, I would’ve managed to sort stones inside my head by the differences the in chemical composition of each, but unfortunately, I was unfamiliar with such things, and I currently didn’t have enough enthusiasm or willpower to study them. If I were to explain figuratively, it felt like going out to hunt for clams at a beach, and when you innocently dove into the lake, you’d see the Mariana Trench spreading out below. It was a beautiful world, thus also too wide and too deep. And endless. To a terrifying extent.

When I told him roughly this, Richard laughed, the depths of his throat trembling with giggles. “It is not as if you are aiming to obtain a GIA or FGA qualification or anything, right? Isn’t it all right for you to observe as much as you like?”

“That might be the case, but...”

I found myself thinking that it was a waste.

After all, I’d be on my knees listening as Richard went, in earnest, through the trouble of introducing all kinds of stones to me one by one. I often heard from my senpais that “job hunting is a connection for people”, so I felt sorry that my connection with stones remained scoreless. Regardless, it wasn’t like I was suddenly going to get any smarter.

As I said this, Richard laughed again and beckoned me with a hand gesture. He then took something out of his suit’s pocket. One of those subdivision vinyl bags that I’d often see when he was handling jewels in the back room. It seemed there was an iolite inside. There was a label stuck to the bag packed with absorbent cotton, and something was written on it in horizontal letters. “Viking sunstone,” it read. Vikings? Like the ones that you’d imagine wearing horned helmets, carrying axes and coming from the sea on a ship? As I asked for confirmation, the jeweler nodded with a “precisely”.

“The words written on this label are associated with the former ‘purpose’ of the iolite. In the past, people used iolites as sun stones.”

“‘Used’ them as ‘sun stones’...?”

I didn’t understand anything from A to Z. What did that mean? For starters, why was gem of such a cold-looking color made into a stone of the sun?

Before I even had a breach to ask, the beautiful shopkeeper began talking, a smile ghosting his lips, “You might already know this, but a portion of the people residing in the current Britain are descendants of those who went through the Norman Conquest that began around the ninth century - in other words, of the Vikings. They were famous for having the skills to travel long distances, which was unusual at the time, so Seigi. If you were someone who travels the sea for long periods, how would you know your way?” Richard asked me.

A means to know the cardinal directions in the open sea. So it was a situation where there’d be no piece of land to act as a mark. The only thing I could use in such a case was a magnet. No, wait. Richard had said earlier that it was the ninth century. The compass would be invented only much later. I recalled memorizing that this was the invention that triggered the Age of Discovery back in high school for history class. If so, I recalled the words on the label. “Sunstone”. Yeah, it connected.

“They knew the directions by using the stone of the sun?”

“Good for you. Exactly. Isn’t it clear?”

“K-Kinda!”

“Then, what about under cloudy skies, when the sun is not visible, Mr. Enlightened Part-Timer?”

Speaking of which, the weather changed easily at sea. I had also heard that England was a country where the skies tended to be overcast. Bad weather must be frequent in those coastal waters. If the sky stayed cloudy for three or four days, what should I do? Was there nothing more that could be done at sea?

When I made a puzzled face, Richard smiled as though he had hit the nail on the head, his white hands displaying the iolite under a fluorescent light. “For instance, let’s try to put a mark on any of this iolite’s faceted sides with ink. Another one on a different side. On sunny days, we would record in which direction we can see the sun from one of these two points at given times, and on cloudy days, we would look for parts where the two points overlap. When doing so, since this stone can detect even the faintest light, we would be able to tell the sun’s position,” he said.

“So we can know the position of light with that stone...? Then couldn’t it be any other stone?”

“Light refracts. If it were passing through thick clouds, the human eye would find its shine in a different direction from the sun’s actual position. Iolites acted as polarized lenses, so to speak. By using this stone, the sailors could tell the correct position of the sun. Yet the most famous sunstone is not iolite, but a type of refraction stone called ‘Iceland spar’.”

A polarized lens. Now he was talking about physics? But I did remember the stuff about light refraction. Got it; so that was why it was a “stone of the sun”.

“I don’t get it very well, but I feel the gemstone romance from it. I like that kinda thing,” I said enthusiastically, Richard giving me a calm smile.

“You do get it. Just as you said, you ‘don’t understand stones very well but like them either way’. That is exactly why your eyes were open, so you thought only about how far your destination was and felt your teeth set on edge at it. You mustn’t expect to be able to understand everything overnight. Go steady, without rushing. Do not waver at the impatience stuck back-to-back to your ambitions. That is different from having no one to depend on due to not knowing where you are headed. The hardest times are probably the ones when you have no idea where you should go, but you know the exact position of the sun.”

So, in short, I knew exactly where I wanted to be?

While I remained quiet, Richard shrugged and added, “Of course, this is a metaphor. Even if little by little, the stones should definitely be leaving a trace inside you. Aren’t you supposed to be treasuring this instead of chasing after what goes away?”

Lastly, Richard threw in the trivia that, in the world of power stones, the iolite was said to be a stone that showed people the “right direction”. Taking the backbone of it into consideration, that was indeed a convincing talk. But more than that...

“It’d be great if you were by my side forever.”

“Hah?”

“You’re an expert at noticing what’s troubling other people, aren’t you? I really think you’re a handy guy, like a compass. Aah, ‘the world’s most beautiful compass’, huh?”

“Those are quite irrational words, on top of being illogical. You were born in Japan, raised in Japan and aspire to become a public servant of Japan, so why are you calling an English jeweler a ‘compass’?”

“Well, I don’t plan to ask you about how to prepare for the public servant exams, but I can rely on you when I run into bigger problems, right?”

Richard sighed with a face of thorough dismay. I could understand how he felt. This was like a child in nursery school saying, “It’d be great if my teacher could always be there to help me out.” Long story short, I was acting spoiled. Even though he was my superior at work.

“That’s right; about the custard pie that today’s costumer brought, it looks like it’s quick to expire. Wanna eat it? I’ll make some tea.”

“If you would. Aah, the sugar...”

“Holding back on it this month, right? I know.”

“Help me with half of it. The amount of sugar in it concerns me.”

“Leave it to me.”

This guy was truly good at leading the mood around, and the same applied for the not-too-straightforward way that he phrased himself when recommending gemstones to the customers. Apparently, he thought I was feeling down.

I cut the crunchy pie in half while the tea leaves boiled, then shared it with Richard in the reception room and we both ate it. Covered with powdered sugar, the pie was a dangerous white little thing, as the colorless powder could scatter around from the pie’s surface just by us breathing on it a tiny bit, so the snack time turned into a moment of silence. I felt like laughing at the much too surreal sight several times, but if I happened to cause a big damage to the beautiful shopkeeper’s high-grade suit by doing that, my pay would be reduced. In the end, I ate the pie entirely while looking at the wall.

On the way back home that day, as I looked up at the night sky, I thought about the Vikings of over a thousand years ago. It was said that they were after new lands. What about me? Where was I headed? Would there ever be a day when I would fall into a philosophical concern, like, “I have no idea where I’m trying to go”? Perhaps Richard too? I insolently prayed that the stones may help us out at least in times like those.

Stars were beginning to twinkle in the purplish-blue night sky. There was no doubt that the stars appearing in the sky had not changed ever since the Vikings’ era. Thinking about that as I walked, I mistook one of the streets I should have turned. I had the feeling that I heard Richard’s voice, telling me to mind at least my own steps. I get it, geez.

I decided to wait patiently for the benefits of the stone. It was best for something like that not to happen, but there was no guarantee that both of us wouldn’t lose our ways at the same time one day.

[ithinkilikeit-reactions]

Mr. Radio Dj (Johnny Seo/Smut)

A/N: This wasn’t requested and I am really in my feelings about Johnny all because of my friend. So yeah, here we are. I want NCT Night Night back. 

Tags: smut? uh fluffy smut? nothing to be scared of

Word count: 4863

August

Your first year of college was hard, you weren’t anticipating feeling that stressed, yet you managed to pull through. You had created a system, get back to the dorm, make dinner, turn on the radio to the college channel and work on your assigments. 

The college radio show was very lowkey, playing every evening at 7:30 p.m to 10 p.m. From what you could tell not a lot of people listened to it, or knew about it but you thoroughly enjoyed it. The host being a 3rd year college student by the name of Johnny. From what you could tell he was quite funny, yet relaxed and very therapeutic to listen to. You found him to be quite motivating as well, always speaking words of encouragement before ending his show. 

His radio show was one of the few things that kept you sane in your first year and you had grown quite attached. So when you went back for your second year, you were looking forward to hearing that familiar voice again. So there you sat, with a cup of fresh coffee in hand and your radio to your right. 

“Welcome back students! It’s your host Johnny here, returning for my last year as host. Ahh, It’s so bittersweet.” Johnny paused and you felt sad. He would be graduating this year and you felt momentarily lost. His show had helped you through your hardships. “Sadly, this might be the last year for the show in general, no one would like to take over. So here is a public service anouncement. If you are at all interested in possibly taking over as host, please come into the on campus broadcasting building. The door is open between 5 p.m and 7:30.” He said with a tone of disappointment in his voice. 

Being a radio dj wasn’t something you had originally planned on doing, but you thought it would be such a shame if the show died because no one would take over. So you made a split second decision, that the next day, you would go to the on campus broadcasting building and see if you were cut out to do it. You loved the show and it made your day better, so if you could do that for someone else it was nice.

You made your way to the broadcasting station after your class, incredibly nervous for no reason. The broadcasting station was home to your college’s local news program and the home to auditorium, where the film and acting students practically lived. It also housed the small, old dingey radio booth and record room. 

You were surprised, the aree not being anything you expected when you entered. The record room was filled with cd’s, vinyls and cassette tapes and it smelled kind of old and dusty. But it didn’t bother you, it kind of felt cozy. To your left was the glass window, showcasing the DJ booth and you smiled to yourself. You walked up to it, looking in and just looked for a second, admiring it. 

“Can I help you?”  Johnny’s voice came from behind you and you jumped. He had caught you completely off guard and your heart was racing. “Oh my god.” You exclaimed, clutching your chest. He started to laugh, covering his mouth before apologising. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said and put his hands into his jeans pockets. 

You never knew the face behind the voice and it surprised you to say the least. You weren’t expecting him to be so attractive. With dark brown hair, messily pushed back, white t-shirt tucked into black jeans and converse, he was effortlessly attractive. But you had to say, the feature that stuck out to you the most was his eyes. A nice warm brown with some golden tones. He was really attractive. 

“Uhm, it’s okay. I’m actually here because of what you said in last night’s show. Looking for someone to take over for next year.” You said and his eyes went wide.”OH, I wasn’t expecting anyone to actually show up.” He said and leaned against some shelves. Johnny scratched his head, before looking at you with a smile. “I actually don’t know what to say, I really wasn’t expecting anyone to show up.” He told and you looked down to the floor with a smile. 

“Yeah, your show kind of kept me sane last year, in my first year. So it would be a shame if it went away.” You said and Johnny felt himself blush a little. “I just realised, I totally forgot to introduce myself, I’m Johnny.” He said and extended his hand. “I’m Y/N.” You said in return and shook his hand. 

“I’ve been doing this alone now for almost 4 years, so it would be nice to have some help this year and to show you the ropes if you really want to take over.” He said and you nodded. “Sounds good. I’m excited to start.” You said and Johnny beamed at you. His smile was almost intimidating and it seemed it could make you blush in an instant. 

“So considering you are the only person to apply, you’re hired! Well, not hired because this isn’t a paying job but you get what I mean.” He said and scrambled into the DJ booth. You stayed put, just watching him and fixing your hair a little. He came back, his phone in hand and handed it to you. 

“If you could just give me your number and then I can send you the schedule and stuff.” He said and you simply gave him your number. “Thank you for giving me this chance.” You said with a humble smile. 

Johnny was still surprised, his mind being a little blown at the fact that someone responded to his PSA. Let alone someone like you. He thought you were gorgeous, generally not the type of person that would listen to a crappy little radio show and enjoy it as much as you did. 

“I will text you the details and when you should start.” He said and you nodded. “Alright.” You said and he grabbed your hand and shook it in gratitude. “i’ll see you.” You said and smiled at him one more time before leaving. Johnny nodded and watched you leave. 

The second you were gone, he let out a sigh of relief. Even though the radio show wasn’t something he was paid to do and not a lot of people listened to it. He was proud of it. it was something he had made and he didn’t want to see it die. Because of you it wasn’t going too and he could really appreciate that. 

When you got back to your dorm, you turned the radio on and started cooking your dinner. That familiar intro started and you couldn’t help but smile. “Today’s show is kind of special.” Johnny’s voice filled your ears as you stirred. “I got approached by someone today is willing to learn the ropes to become the new host. Y/N, I know you’re listening. I just want to thank you. I was too speechless this afternoon. It means alot.” He said and you stopped your actions. You felt your heart flutter as the first song played. You were happy you were going to be a part of the show. 

The schedule required you to be there everyday at 5 p.m until the show was over and on Saturdays from 10 a.m untill 10 p.m to discuss the coming weeks shows. Sunday there was no show and you had a day off. 

You didn’t mind the busy schedule. Your first year in college you barely took any time to focus on other things aside from school and it drove you nearly insane. The radio show would be your way to unwind and you started that Saturday. 

That morning you made sure to get up on time to go get coffee and muffins for the two of you and you entered the broadcasting building. The door was proving to be a pain as you held 2 hot coffees and a bag of muffins. “Here let me help you.” Johnny’s voice said and opened the door for you. You quickly entered the room and placed the coffees and muffins on the table. “Thank you.’ You said and Johnny just nodded. “I brought you a coffee.” You said and handed it to him. His fingers grazing yours as he graciously took it from you. “You didn’t have to, but thank you.” He said and sipped. 

You two sat in the DJ booth and started brainstorming ideas and playlists. DIscussing music and interests, just getting to know each other. Johnny was just like he was on his radio show, very open and very warm. It also seemed your interests were very similar and it made you really happy. 

“Oh, thank you for what you said in your show the other night. It was really sweet.” You said thanking him and he smiled. “Well I really meant it. This show means a lot to me and I don’t want to see it die.” Johnny said and leaned back. “But now that I’ve talked to you more, I see we have a lot in common so I don’t think show will change much when you start to host so it’s nice. Even our playlists are similar, I really like it.” Johnny told you and you two locked eyes for a moment. 

He was so warm and considering you had listened to him talk for over a year, it felt liek you knew him really well. You were already starting to form a crush on him and you mildly hated yourself for it. It was Johnny’s last school year, the last thing he would want would be to date a 2nd year and a someone he would be working with. So you pushed your feelings to the back of your mind, only wanting to focus on doing the radio show well. 

You learned a lot in your first few months working under him, it genuinely surprised you. You didn’t realise how much work it actually was but it became something you were really interested in. Johnny definitely helped peak your interest. But he also supported you and was very proud of how fast you picked things up. 

October

It was a Saturday night and you had been there for 2 months, loving every second of it. Johnny was wrapping up the show for the night as you finished re-arranging the records on a shelf, a little project you had decided to take on while Johnny DJ’ed. 

The door to the booth opened and the first thing you heard was a yawn come from Johnny. “I don’t get how you can still be so tired with how much coffee you drink.” You said, grabbing a stack of vinyls off of the shelf. “I don’t get how you aren’t tired with how little coffee you drink.” He retorted and moved to flip through the vinyls with you. 

“You going to go home soon?” He asked and you paused to look at him. “Not yet, I want to finish this shelf.” You said and he nodded in response. “What does your boyfriend think about you working here with me almost everyday ‘till 10?” Johnny said and the question made you laugh. “What makes you think I have a boyfriend?” You asked him and sat down on the table, your legs dangling over the floor. “I don’t know, you have a good head on your shoulders, you’re smart and you’re definitely beautiful. Seems like it would be obvious that you would have a boyfriend.” He said and his words made you blush before he held up a vinyl of Weird Al, making you laugh. 

“I really appreciate that. But no, no boyfriend.” You said and he frowned. “Why?” He asked and sat down next to you. The questions didn’t make you uncomfortable, you were comfortable with Johnny, even in your short time knowing him. “Not looking to find one. If it happens, it happens. I’m content until it does.” You told him and he just nodded in understanding. “Now, let me flip the question. Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” You asked and he started laughing. 

“Why must you ask such painful questions?” He asked with a pained face. “You asked them first!” You said, smacking his chest lightly. “I have my eyes on someone. They just aren’t really aware of it.” Johnny said, turning to you. “Ahh, so you’re a stalker.” You joked and he laughed. “I guess so.” He said in response. 

You two were looking at each other, eyes locked in complete silence. The radio room was dimly lit and you two were the only ones left in the broadcasting building. 

“It’s late, we should probably lock up. You can finish that shelf Monday.” Johnny told you and you saluted him. “Yes, sir.” He just looked at you before laughing to himself. “Hurry up, I’ll walk you home. It’s really dark out.” He added and your heart fluttered at his gesture. But considering he had his eyes on someone, you knew it was only him being a good guy. 

December

Johnny was stumbling over his words  as he watched you organizing cd’s. The Christmas lights you had strung up in the room lit your face up beautifully and he was finding himself distracted by you as he tried stringing sentences together. “The next song is a bit more relaxed, I hope you enjoy it.” Johnny said into the mic before turning it off and turning the song on. 

He sat back in his chair, just watching you mouth the words to the track playing. You looked especially beautiful to him that day. No makeup, nothing in your hair either, just down and framing your face nicely. You were wearing a big sweater, simply skinny jeans and and ankle boots to raise your height a little. 

Johnny wanted this show tonight to be over. Not because he wanted to leave your side, but because he couldn’t exactly talk to you while he was on the air. He just wanted to get closer to you. 

You looked up from the cd’s at Johnny in the booth. Not expecting him to be looking at you but on his phone, only to lock eyes with him. The sudden eye contact caught him off guard and he looked away instantly and tried to find something to do instead of stare at you. You laughed to yourself at his actions as you watched him drop his phone in panic. 

Johnny bent over to pick it up and cringed to himself. “Johnny, you’re a fucking idiot.” He mumbled to himself and sat back up to finish the show. 

You had finished organizing your shelf and moved yourself to the small couch in the room. “That’s it for tonight everyone. Remember to take care of yourselves on these cold nights and know you are loved. Goodnight.” Johnny’s voice filled the room and it made you smile. Those words that encouraged you much and still did. It was nice to hear. 

Johnny exited the booth and sighed seeing you all cozy on the couch before laying down. His legs dangling over the arm rest and his head in your lap. “Comfortable?” You asked and he nodded, looking up at you with hooded eyes. You looked at his face, admiring his eyes and plush lips, but looked away just as fast. You felt sad for a second, knowing he would be gone next year and you’d have to be on your own. 

“What’s on your mind?” He asked and sat up. Johnny was really close to you, his hand on your arm in comfort. “How am I going to do this without you next year?” You asked and he looked at you confused. “You’re great at this, the radio comes natural to you.” He said and comfortingly drew circles on your arm. “Not what I mean. You are my motivation at this point. You make my day better, Johnny. How am I going to be able to do this?” You said and Johnny felt his heart stop as you looked at him. Your eyes were filled with emotion and worry, then you looked down. 

Johnny moved his hand to your chin, making you look at him gently. “You have nothing to worry about. You’re smart, strong and you can do anything. If anything I’m stressed about what I’m going to do without this show and you next year. I wish I knew you sooner because, well you’ve become a big constant in my life. A constant I don’t want to live without. I see you everyday and you make me happy.” Johnny said and you almost felt like crying. How Johnny could be so sweet to you was beyond you. 

You tried looking away, wanting to hide the way your cheeks burned under his touch and words. Only he held your chin firmly, yet still gentle. Johnny felt a rush of confidence a took a deep breath before leaning in. 

He pressed his lips to yours, catching you off guard but not unpleasant. Johnny’s hand moved from your chin to your cheek and revelled in the way your lips felt soft against his. If your cheeks weren’t hot before, they definitely were now and you couldn’t help but get  a little lost. Your hands moved to his chest, gripping his shirt tightly with balled fists. 

Johnny pulled away for a second and pressed his forehead to yours, but you didn’t want him to stop. You needed him. You hungrily kissed him again and he chuckled against your lips. Pulling you closer, as close as he could with the way you both were sitting, he gave up and settled for pulling you into his lap. You smiled and wrapped your around his neck as his fingers stroked your cheek. His lips lazily moving against yours. 

You adjusted your position once more, pulling away so that you could straddle his waist. He whined in response, the noise surprisng you both and making you smile. “You see what you do to me?” He asked, looking up at you as he wrapped his arms around your waist. You tangled your fingers in his hair and the way he held you made your hips roll over his. The action caught you off gaurd and made a moan leave your own lips.

“How are you the most beautiful woman I have ever seen?” Johnny asked, wanting you to roll your hips again because he revelled in the feeling. You kissed him again, wanting him to stop complimenting you because you felt awkward. Not being used to the praise. 

His tongue slipped into your mouth gently and he pulled you flush against him, his hands accidently slipping under your sweater. He immediately moved his hands again, not wanting to take this somewhere you didn’t want it to go, just in case. You noticed the gesture and your heart fluttered once more. 

You also couldn’t help but notice how soft his hair was, how soft his lips were and how gentle his touches were. Everything made your brain foggy, you were willing to risk it all for him at this point and he felt the same. It had been a long time since a girl made Johnny want to be in a relationship, let alone a few months before he left college. 

He flipped you two over swiftly, your back resting on the couch cushions and your head on the arm rest. “How far do you want to go?” Johnny asked and the question threw you off. “I need you.” You said, sounding nearly out of breath. How needy you sounded really surprised you . “Fuck.” He muttered under his breath and looked you over. How flushed your face was and how swollen your lips were. It was turning him on more than he was expecting it too. 

Johnny’s hand gently moved under your sweater, pulling it off of you slowly and placing it on the floor. He couldn’t help but swallow thickly looking at your nearly bare torso. He moved his face to your neck, kissing the skin gingerly. He didn’t want to leave any marks. He’d save that for another time (if you wanted this to happen again). He wanted this to be light and airy. He wanted this to be soft and loving. Johnny wanted this be memorable and loving. 

His feathery touches made goosebumps cover your body and sighs escape your lips. His mouth moved down, coming to the edge of your bra before reaching behind you and unhooking it. He paused, looking at your face again and taking not of how dark your eyes were. “Clothes on or off, you’re the most beautiful girl I know.” Johnny told you and you covered your face. “Johnny, you’re going to make me cry.” You said and he chuckled. “I’m going to keep complimenting you, regardless. My goal is to make you feel loved.” He said and you looked up at him, eyes filled with happy tears. You managed to keep them in, hoping he wouldn’t notice. 

Your hand moved to his sweater, tugging it off of him. He wasn’t extremely muscled, but he was lean and toned and beautiful to you. Your hand moved down his chest and stomach, stopping at his belt before moving down a little further. You palmed his bulge through his jeans and Johnny let out a sigh of relief. His head falling down as you continued to do so. 

His hand moved to your jeans, unbuttoning them and tugging them down. His actions were a little harsher, slowly starting to be fueled with need. Johnny fingers danced over your panties, causing a little friction. He watched your eyes flutter shut before stopping his slight teasing. He pulled your panties down your legs and rubbed your clit lightly. Relief filled your senses as he finally touched you. You felt so needy. 

Johnny connected your lips again, then slipped a finger into you. He wanted to make sure you were ready for him. It surprised him how wet you were and how badly it felt like you needed him. Your velvity walls tightening around his finger. You moaned against his lips as he picked up the pace. You dug your nails into Johnny’s shoulders as he added another finger. 

“Fuck, Johnny.” Your moans sounded so breathy, Johnny could barely take it anymore. He pulled away and stood up to pull his own jeans and boxers down. You propped yourself up onto your elbows, watching him as he went to his wallet and pulled a condom out. This moment reminded you, Johnny was still a college boy. 

He moved back over your body, hooking his arms under your knees and pulling you further down the couch. “Are you ready?” He asked as he sat inbetween your thighs, his hands rubbing your skin. You nodded, only wanting him at this point. He guided himself towards your entrance, rubbing his tip over your slit slowly. That feeling alone making you even more wet. “Johnny~” You whimpered and he groaned, making the choice to just bottom out straight away. “Fuck.” You said with a gasp, needing a second to adjust to his size. Your hand moved to the back of neck, pulling his face closer to you.

Johnny was doing everything in his power to not move too harshly, wanting to feel you. “Please move.” You whined and Johnny moaned. He leaned down, kissing your lips messily as his hips snapped into yours. His gentle touches slightly less gentle. His need for you taking over. Your legs wrapped around his waist as he thrust into you, making sure to take the time inbetween. He wanted it to last. Your whimpers were soft and he moved his head to rest in the crook of your neck. Johnny picked up the pace even more, his hips snapping into yours at a steady pace. 

He could already feel you tightening around him as your whimpers turned into loud moans. Johnny couldn’t hold back, a few moans leaving his mouth as your nails dragged over his back. “You feel so good.” He moaned out and it was possibly the hottest thing you had ever heard. 

The months you had just listened to him talk, the last thing you expected was to hear him like this. It made the coil in your stomach tighten even more. 

“Fuck Johnny, I’m gonna cum.” You whimpered, your nails digging into his shoulders and pressed his lips into yours as his fingers rubbed over your clit. He wanted you cumming, he wanted you to feel as good as he could. That and he was close to cumming himself. 

A small scream left your mouth as you felt yourself cum. Your toes curling slightly and your grip on Johnny tightening. He moaned loudly, feeling how tight you had clamped down around him. He rutted his hips into you again, stalling as he came himself. You ran your fingers soothingly through his hair as he came, small whimpers leaving his mouth. 

“Oh fuck.” He sighed, his body weight falling onto you. “You okay?” You asked inbetween breaths, your fingers still moving through his hair. “I’m better than okay, but if you keep running your fingers through my hair, I’m going to fall asleep.” He said and pushed himself off of you. You whined at the loss of contact and he rubbed your leg with his hand. You took a deep breath and sat up yourself, your body still slightly shaking. 

“If it wasn’t clear. I really like you.” He said and you felt shy all of a sudden.  You pulled your bra and sweater back on, looking for your panties only for Johnny to hand them to you. “Thanks.” You said and he laughed, getting dressed himself. 

“I really like you too.” You said, looking at him and he smiled. “You’re going to do just fine next year. Anddddddd, if all goes well. I can still be around. But only for you.” He said and you couldn’t help but smile. You pulled his face towards yours and kissed him. 

“So does that mean you’ll be my girlfriend?” 

April

You sat in the office chair across from Johnny as he closed the radio show for the night. It was quite amazing, the show had gained at least a hundred listeners and it improved Johnny’s mood a lot on the show. You tried to keep quiet as he told a bad joke. He looked at your pained face at the joke and had to hold back his own laugh. 

“Goodnight, everyone.” He said and turned the mic off and the broadcast. You let out your laugh and you both stood up. You started heading for the door and he pulled you back. “Where do you think you’re going?” He asked and you couldn’t help but giggle. He picked you up, putting you on the desk and settled inbetween your legs. 

You were wearing a sundress, the weather having been extremely nice and warm and Johnny loved it. His hands moved over your thighs as he kissed you, before wrapping your legs around his waist. 

June

“I can’t believe today is my last day being a DJ.” Johnny said into the mic and you waited in the record room. You wanted to let him have his final moment and you didn’t want him to see you cry. 

“I had a fun four years doing this. And I have had a lot of beautiful moments in this radio room. I’ve felt lonely, I’ve felt loved and I have felt appreciated in this room. So it’s sad for me to leave. I want to thank everyone who enjoyed listening to me.” You couldn’t help but shed a tear as he talked, yet you quickly wiped it away. 

“I’m leaving you guys in good hands. Next semester, my beautiful girlfriend will be taking over and she is better at this than I am. I know she’ll do great.” Johnny said and you sobbed slightly. You were incredibly nervous for the oncoming school year, without him. But you also knew that he would be there if you needed him. 

“For the last time everyone. Please take care of yourselves, know you are loved and please, have a good night.” Johnny said and the room went silent. You were expecting him to walk out, but after a few minutes, you stood up and entered the booth. 

He was sat at the chair, just leaning back and looking around the room. “Hey princess.” He said, noticing you walk in. He patted his lap for you to sit and you abided, wrapping your arms around him as you did. “Are you okay?” You asked and he nodded, locking eyes with you. “I’m fine. This is just the start to something new in my life. Besides, I’m not really leaving. I can visit you whenever I want.” He said and you smiled, stroking the hairs on the back of his neck. 

“I love you, Mr. Radio DJ.” 

A/N: I wrote this in one go. In one day and now it is 1 a.m as I am posting this. My alarm is going to go off in 4,5 hours. I hope you enjoy and I will spell check tomorrow. 

[ourplaceinthecosmosphff]

Chapter 26. The Heart Wants What It Wants

'chaos is only understood when it is loved by the wild, not the weak’ - Zachry K. Douglas

I wondered, briefly, if my parents were as nervous as I was about that day. None of us had planned on me being back in England anytime soon, but there I was anyway. I suppose I should thank Adrien for continually attracting scandal and, therefore, needing me to distract the media from his wild American adventures.

In May, soon after my sister had returned to her previous insane schedule of ice skating training, there was a report from TMZ, of all places, that Prince Adrien of Savoy was now dating Sienna Lapa, a wannabe singer who’d come in second in X Factor a few years prior. This, we came to find out after asking Adrien what was happening, was the friend who had helped him find an apartment in New York when he decided to relocate there.

My parents and Adrien’s mother deemed it a ‘completely inappropriate choice’. Adrien’s sister, Natalie, seemed to be trying to keep an open mind -- she was and had always been her brother’s biggest defender, after all. Lourdes immediately pulled up all the videos from her X Factor journey to show anyone who’d listen, but that only made our family hate the girl more, as most of her performances involved her with too much energy and very few clothes.

“You can all be so close minded…” my sister complained, rolling her eyes, as Natalie watched the video over her shoulder with furrowed brows when she and our aunt came over for tea after the news broke. “We’re just looking out for him.” Our cousin told her. “So you’re on their side now?” Lourdes asked her. Natalie shrugged, defensive. “I think if Adrien likes her, she must be nice.” Her mother scoffed. “We all know your brother’s record with women is not stellar, chérie.” “He dated Faye!” “Exactly.” My father sentenced. “Maggie, what do you think?” Natalie asked.

As they all looked at me, expectantly, I took a moment to ponder how much this had been happening lately. I had been used to speaking softly before, to remarking carefully on things, in case someone would hear me. But as the Crown Princess, my opinion mattered in more ways than I had immediately realized. It wasn’t just the press that suddenly cared about me, my family, too, seemed more invested in my thoughts. As if my verdict could make or break anything within the family just because I was bound to be queen one day.

“I… I don’t think being an artist should mean she will inevitably ruin this family.” I said. My mother shook her head, and my Aunt sighed, but nobody disagreed.

After tea, my father asked me to stay behind as the others left, and sat me down to remind me, sternly, that being the heir – and, one day, the Monarch –, meant it was my duty to safeguard our family from anyone who, purposefully or not, my damage it.

“You think this girl will damage us?” I asked, suppressing an eyeroll. “Papa, she’s just a girl.” “She’s American. They don’t understand monarchies.” He replied. “Not to mention she belongs to an industry that thrives on scandal and notoriety, things that do not have a place in this family.” “We don’t even know her!” I said, smiling, amused against my better judgement. “We know she wants fame.” He replied, seriously. “That doesn’t have a place here.” “We don’t even know if it’s true.” I argued.

Unfortunately, it was. I texted Adrien after this conversation, and he was as frustrated as we were, but for other reasons. ‘Its so new’, he said, ‘we just wanted to enjoy each other before inviting the whole world into it and now here we are’.

According to him, it ‘just happened’. They’d been friends for a long time, she was really supportive after his breakup and helped him adapt to New York. He moved into the same building she lives in, and they started spending more time together; before they knew it, it was more than friendship.

He also made clear he knew perfectly well how unsuitable the relationship was: ‘she’s been trying to establish her music career for a long time, so her future lies in America’, he said. ‘She also has pink hair and a lot of tattoos… can you even imagine her in mass with the rest of the family?’

I could not.

The world couldn’t, either. Press and public alike had a lot of opinions on this relationship, which became everything anyone could talk about. It wasn’t just me that gained notoriety with Louis’ death, Adrien did, too, and, with him, any girl he could one day turn into a princess.

And that was the main reason I was sent to England. An invitation for Royal Ascot was issued every year to our family, we tended not to go simply because it was far and we had other commitments. But we needed to change the conversation, so if it took putting me under a hat and in the same picture as the British royals, so be it.

I could see my parents’ tension about this plan in the way they exchanged silent glances while we talked it through, but they didn’t voice any of it. Of course, they couldn’t. Not if they wanted me to do as I was told. So, they didn’t mention Harry, and I didn’t bring him up, either.

Regardless of this, he was very much in my thoughts essentially 100% of the time, even before the Ascot plan was born. All I had to do was just keep that to myself and, if my parents did the same, we could hopefully hold onto the lie that the issue was over.

So, on that day in mid-June, I took the train early with Cadie and Auguste and my security, headed to England, with a fancy outfit safely packed away in a weekend bag, which I changed into before we arrived.

I was wearing a salmon pink, wide-legged jumpsuit that my mother had deemed ‘too modern’, with my hair styled in vintage waves under a flowery disc fascinator.

The Royal Ascot races were a society event, with the actual races taking a backseat to… pretty much everything else: the fashion, the high profile guests, the arrival of the queen and royal family later on… honestly, it was everything but horses.

As a guest, I didn’t arrive with the other royals in a very much televised carriage ride into the main front lawn, and I was glad to be able to skip it, hoping I might be able to go straight to the viewing area, free of press. Unfortunately, that was the opposite of the goal.

So, even though I arrived privately, I was then escorted to the entry lawn for socializing before the race started. Though Cadie didn’t seem to think it was necessary – which I tended to agree with –, Auguste made sure to find me a pin with my name on it, a must-wear for every guest no matter how high ranked.

“A drink would be actually helpful.” I told them. “Not until the enclosure, I’m afraid.” Cadie replied. Auguste leaned in closer. “Though my colleague may have a different view, ma’am, I feel being seen with alcohol might not be the best course of action for what we’re here to do.” “Boss.” Cadie whispered his way, rispid. “I’m your boss, Mr. Authier. Not colleague.” “Is it appropriate to discuss that at this time, boss?”

I sighed, walking further away from them and into the crowded, sun soaked lawn. One thing I hadn’t grown used to yet was the looks. Every step taken through a public area, particularly one with such a high concentration of high class people, was the target of laser focused glances from almost anyone around. I was forced to develop the ability of confidently aiming my eyes at something abstract, so I was seen as being busy, but didn’t accidentally lock eyes with anyone. It was a perfect recipe for disaster. Which is why I should have expected it.

I didn’t bump into him, that kind of thing didn’t happen at highly planned events like this, especially when you had a large entourage of people with you whose job it was to make sure you went to the right place at the right time to meet the right people. It was more accurate to say our eyes bumped into each other.

There I was, walking slowly through the crowd, avoiding one pair of eyes after the other. First using the far away stands as a distraction point. Then using the awkwardly placed decorative flowers as a distraction point. Which led to using the one very weird hat as a distraction point, as its owner was standing right next to it. But then the hat was so weird I had to see the face of the person wearing it, but she was already looking at me, so I felt awkward and looked away as quickly as possible and, in my hurry, didn’t think too much about it, so instead of a safe distraction point, my eyes found… Harry.

“Ma’am,” Cadie leaned closer, “shall we go greet the president of the Ascot association?” “What? I–” I stuttered, barely able to take my eyes off of Harry. “Sure.”

Heaving a sigh, I allowed myself to be walked around to meet the people it was important for me to meet, doing what I had been doing every day since the last time I had seen him: smiling politely, making smart, appropriate conversation, representing an entire country. All things that were painful reminders of what kept us apart.

I woke up early, I worked hard every day to hold myself accountable to my new role, keeping busy the best I could, but every night when I closed my eyes to sleep, it was his eyes that I saw. It was his voice saying ‘don’t marry him’, the tap of his hand on mine above his heart as he told me ‘it’s yours’, and every time I thought about it my whole body shivered with joy and I wanted to cry of frustration, sadness and anger that I couldn’t just embrace something that was meant to just be a happy thing.

“Yes, my parents were so sad they couldn’t make it.” I told a trustee of the event, sustaining a neutral smile as though my entire body wasn’t shaking.

Sometimes, hypocritically, I wondered why Harry hadn’t reached out, either. I knew, rationally, that it was better that he didn’t, but he had made a point of saying he didn’t have to listen to his advisors when they told him to stay away from me, but he had. Whenever I started to feel sad about this, I reminded myself it was better this way. Safer. Healthier. Then I googled him to make sure he wasn’t dating anyone new, ‘just in case.’

But now there he was, in Ascot. Because of course of the five days of this event we would both go to the same one, believing differently was something only my parents did to help them sleep at night. On my end, I knew it was going to be this way.

It’s like I was fated to always run into him after weeks or months of absence, just to remind my heart of what it was leaving behind. Destined to try and forget him just to see him again, the man I could see, but not feel. Love, but not have. At arm's length, but worlds away.

As I turned away from the U.N. Ambassador, assuring him I would transmit his best wishes to my parents, I startled.

“Harry.” He startled, too; looked me up and down, closed his eyes in frustration, and sighed. “Damn, Mary, really?” He asked, sounding tired. “Wh-what?!” I asked, nervously, drying my sweaty palms in the pants of my jumpsuit. I’d been nervous all day they were a choice too ‘out there’. “Where do you find the audacity to look this beautiful?!” He asked, seriously.

It took me maybe two seconds to understand this flattery, and that he wasn’t actually criticizing my fashion choices, and when I did I was washed by such a deep wave of relief I was almost angry.

“Seriously?!” I slapped my handbag playfully against his arms, rolling my eyes, and turned away to walk into the building, leaving him as well as my team to catch up. “What?! It was a compliment!” He said, hurrying after me, suppressing a chuckle. I was smiling in spite of myself. “Maybe, but your tone was very misleading.” He smiled. “I apologize about my tone, Mary. May I try again?” I blinked, slowly, grinning now, and he went on. “You look beautiful.”

His second attempt was all that it shouldn’t have been: intense, yearning, full of a double meaning only we seemed to hear.

Bashfully, I gulped. “Thank you… I wish I could say the same.” “Ouch?” He laughed, taking a step back. “It’s not your fault, coats and tails is just not flattering on anyone.” “Well, that’s it.” He took off his hat and immediately started unbuttoning his vest. “What are you doing?” I asked, laughing. “I will go naked before I let you see me in something unflattering.” I took one step closer and stopped his hands with mine. “Oh, my God.” I said, looking around. “Stop!”

The main building was guests only, no press, so we were pretty safe there. But there were still guests around.

“What? You started it.” He chuckled but, at least for now, stopped undressing himself. Someone behind him cleared his throat. “Sir, you should probably button up before we go upstairs.” Harry nodded, serious. “Of course. Thank you, Edward.” He subtly buttoned his shirt while I looked around; some people had their eyes on us, but nothing too out of ordinary. “My secretary.” He explained. “Trying to keep me from trouble is literally his job, so I try to listen to him sometimes, throw him a bone, you know how it is.” “I hope you pay him enough.” I told him, teasing. “Sounds like an impossible mission.” “Touché.” Harry giggled, the sight making my stomach flutter.

We exchanged a long look, the whisper of our smiles still holding on to our lips dreamily.  

“So, how have you been?” He asked, clasping his hands behind his back. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Good. Well. Merci.” I nodded. “You?” “Awful, thanks for asking.” He smiled, so it was tough to know if he meant it or not. “Oh?” “Nothing that we can fix, I’m afraid.” He shrugged. “Should I escort you upstairs?” “Oh. Uhm. Sure.”

He led the way to the elevators, our team right behind us. With our security, we crowded one elevator with no room for anyone else. Though this was a pretty safe environment, I didn’t feel safe enough to inquire about what he meant.

“So, how’s Lourdes?” He asked, upbeat. “Pretty good.” I said, nodding. “She’s skating again.” “Nice!” He broke into such a huge smile it was hard not to smile as well. “I want to see her skating, do you have any videos?” “More than I need.” I rolled my eyes. “I’ll–”

I was about to say I’d send him some, when I stopped myself.

“You have her number, right? You should ask her, trust me, she’ll be delighted. She loves showing her routines to people.” He nodded, “I will.”

Though it was a very big building, the elevator stopped on every floor, where both our security alerted people it was crowded before the doors closed again. We were headed to the last, highest floor, the Royal Enclosure, which was the best viewing point for the races. It was also highly exclusive and invite only, and a person could online invite someone else after attending for four years. Divorcées weren’t even allowed in until 1955.

So the elevator ride took a long minute, which may be what gave me the courage to surrender and lean in closer to him to ask:

“Truth or dare?” He smiled to the ground, biting his lower lip, but leaned in to me as well and whispered, “Dare.” Smiling in return, only slightly annoyed I’d have to wait to ask why he said he’d been ‘awful’, I went through my head for a good dare idea. “Let’s see….” “May I remind you we are in a very public, heavily press-present event?” He whispered, still close. “Sounds like something you should have thought of before choosing dare.” I shrugged, whispering back. “Okay… get someone in this elevator to slap you.” He leaned back. “What?!” “Go on.” “How?” “I don’t know.” “Mary… I–” He sighed, looking around. His eyes paused on every person present, my staff, his staff, the security… and then it paused on the tall, slender man who he had referred to as his secretary before. “Hey, Edward, I need a favor.” “Yes, sir?” The man replied, while I suppressed a giggle. “Slap me.” The whole group looked at them for a moment, before looking away, pretending not to be overhearing. “S-sir?” “It’s not a big deal, just slap me. It doesn’t need to be strong.” Harry insisted. “Sir, I–I don’t understand!” “It’s a long story,” Harry lied, “I’ll explain later, but I need you to slap me now. Go on, I promise I won’t mind.” I bit my lip strongly to stop myself from laughing. Edward looked truly concerned, and Harry sounded increasingly more desperate. “Harry, no!” Edward said, shaking his head.

The elevator stopped in place with a melodic ‘ding’, and Harry sighed as the others filed out before us – Edward leading the way.

“Any chance you’ll slap me?” He asked, making me laugh. “Ask me again later.” I said, walking out. “But then I’ll have already lost.” He lamented. “Well, then you’ll have to live with the defeat.” He groaned, following me to a table of drinks and appetizers. There were no cameras in this enclosure, and no one else I had to be formally introduced to. As I didn’t know anyone else, this left me free to grab a drink and something to eat.

Harry, however, waved a quick hello to a handful of people as soon as we walked into the room, but continued to follow me.

“Okay, rematch.” He started. “Give me another dare, I must redeem my honor.” “God, men… it must be so exhausting feeling you have to prove yourself constantly.” He grinned. “We both know you’re judging me for not doing a dare. Go on, give me another one.” I giggled, and sighed. “Alright, remember you insisted… I dare you to…” I thought about it deeply, looking around.

There was a couple of girls a few meters away looking at us – more particularly, at him – with jealousy and desire in their eyes. I smiled in spite of myself, feeling oddly powerful.

“To improvise a poem.” He looked so confused it made me smile again. “A poem? Like, like poetry?” “Yes.” I nodded. “Take your time.”

As I took a sip of my sparkling wine, he put his hands in his pockets, looking around. I could see his mouth silently moving as he talked quietly with himself. It was an amusing sight, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t notice how handsome he looked deep in thought like this.

“Okay.” He nodded, seriously, approaching.

He removed his hat, brushed his hair to the side with his hand and stood unnervingly close to me.

“You're a vision in pink, I might need a drink…” He risked a look at me, but his cheeks were reddening, so he looked away again. “And I might pass out, if you gave me a wink…” I tried to suppress a giggle, as I thought any sudden movements might dissuade him from this dare. “Every day I remember, when the leaves were ember… In blue, you breezed through… your skin, warm and tender, In all of your splendor…” he looked at me again, still pink in the cheeks, but with renowned intensity in his eyes, “Waking up with me, your legs between my knees. I woke up desperate to please, and tease, with ease…”

His eyes locked on mine, intense, he recovered his color just as I felt my cheeks heaten up. He said each word slowly now, over-enunciating double meaning into each syllable.

“And squeeze, your hills, give you chills, thrills, until… Your daisy became daffodils… Asleep and awake, three days of bliss, give and take… Slow, sweet, fast or rough. Forever wouldn't be enough.”

His eyes hovered over my face, slowly lowering towards my lips, pausing there for the longest minute as I felt breathless. To the silence, I realized it was over, and struggled to think of something teasing, light-hearted enough to say to this. How to hide the way his voice – his words – made me feel?

I bit down an embarrassed grin thinking of his words. Walking in wearing blue when the leaves were ember? That was when we met last fall. Waking up with my legs between his knees? When I ran away to his home and we slept in the same bed. ‘Squeeze your hills, give you thrills, slow, fast, or rough, forever wouldn’t be enough’? That, that was… an alternate reality that felt the more tempting the more he continued to look at me.

“I don’t want to break the moment, because I feel there’s a moment here… but that was really good, right?” He asked, sounding honestly shocked.

It made me laugh out loud.

“Oh, my God, did I… write that?” He added, looking around, seemingly astonished with himself. “Did I maybe hear this somewhere? Did I accidentally plagiarized someone?” Laughing, I held on to his arm to steady myself. “Honestly, it was very good.” I managed to say. “I know! It was incredible!” “I mean, it started just okay… but it got… really interesting in the end.” “Interesting?! I think I’m a poetry miracle!”

I laughed again; throwing my head back, I had to hold on to my hat so it stayed in place.

“I need a pen and paper to write that all down before I forget it!” he added, patting his pockets. “Oh, my God, shut up.” I begged, still laughing. “Alright, alright…” He smiled. “My turn. Truth or dare?” I sighed, “Dare.” He grinned, surprised. “Oh, wow. Okay… I dare you to…” He considered it for a few seconds, looking around the room.

Silently, he grabbed my half-drank wine glass and moved to the drinks. He picked a bottle of whisky, and poured some into my glass.

“Hey!” I protested.

He did the same with the scotch, the vodka, the mango liquor, and every other bottle in the table until my glass was almost full to the brim.

“I dare you.” He said, handing me the glass. “Are you s–? This is so unoriginal.” “Just drink it.” He grinned. I smelled the contents of the glass, which smelled oddly of citric coca cola, and took a quick sip. “Oh, my God.” I complained, trying to remind myself not to yell in disgust. “You can do better, come on.” “No, I think this is enough.” “What? You drank nothing!” “Yes, but you never said I had to drink a lot, just that I had to drink.” I shrugged. He closed his eyes, and smiled, annoyed. “Wow. Such a lawyer.” I laughed. “My turn.” “Fine. Truth.” He said, rolling his eyes. I gulped, placed the disgusting concoction in my glass back on the table, but kept the smile in my lips as I asked, “Why did you say you were awful before?” His smile faltered. “Oh. You know…” He shrugged, nonchalant. “No, Harry… I don’t.” I said, softly. He avoided my eyes, but his lips sustained a humorless, emotionless smile. He took in a long breath, and looked at me. “Do you maybe have another question?” “What? No. Harry…” I shook my head, confused. “That’s the question.” He sighed. “It’s just work.” “Work?” “Yes, Marie. Work. I have a lot to do to get Invictus ready for September…” “Okay. Is that all it is? Because your tone says differently.” Still smiling coldly, he looked around, and brushed a hand through his hair, nervously. “Speaking of work, how’s your work?” He asked. “Is royal work as an heir any different?” “Harry.” I insisted, seriously, now feeling my heart beating increasingly heavier in my chest.

Finally, something snapped. He bit his lip, avoiding my eyes, then closed his eyes, muttered ‘hallway’, and walked off without affording me a second glance.

Chilled to the bone, I waited a couple of seconds before following him out, strategically avoiding Cadie and Auguste’s worried glances from nearby.

We walked out of the enclosure to the elevator hallway. It was emptier now than when we had come in, but still had a couple of people in it. So Harry passed them towards other doors, where it was emptier.

He stopped by a window, hands in his pocket, and heaved a sigh, brows creased, eyes pained. My heart ached just to watch him.

“Look, I–” He started, avoiding my eyes still. “I…” He laughed, humorless still. “Harry,” I tried, softly, “you’re worrying me.”

He closed his eyes, painfully. After a couple of seconds he opened them and stared right into mine. When our blues connected, I felt again that old chill down my spine; that feeling of being seen for all I was, that chill of knowing there was a lot being said, even if we weren’t speaking.

“Work is hard, yes, but–” He licked his lips, pausing. “I can handle it. What makes it harder, though, is that I can’t go very long without thinking about you.” I gulped. “W-what?” He smiled, a little more honestly now. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mary. I know that sucks to hear. I just…” He sighed, heavily, and took a step closer to me. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” Feeling my stomach do a cartwheel inside, I gulped. “I… W-what?!” His smile grew now, amused. “I look around my house, and all I can think is I miss having you there. I miss waking up with you, cooking with you, talking with you all day long...” He took another step closer, now in a way where his smell was all I could breathe; still the same citric L'Occitane smell I could never forget. “I think about you every time I open my bathroom cabinet and see the toothbrush you forgot.” He shrugged. “It’s pathetic. And even now as I say it, I know it’s pointless. I know just looking at you that it’s a lost cause. And it’s not your fault, even if sometimes I wish it were. It might be easier if I had a reason to be angry at you… But you didn’t ask for this. Neither did I. I just…” he shrugged. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” I sighed, breathless. “Harry. I…” “I know.” He nodded, staring at the ground. “I understand better than most. You have a duty. You have rules to follow and a huge number of people around ready to remind you why this would be a terrible idea, and I get it. I have the same. Lower stakes, maybe, but I do, and I hate it.” He smiled, in a sad, desperate way; eyes full of yearning as they looked at me. “The truth is I think about that kiss every day.” He whispered, gently. “The truth is I think about that date we never had every day, and about everything that could have been different… The truth…” He sighed, longingly. “The truth is I think I’m falling in love with you.”

My mind was both completely blank and going a thousand miles an hour. I felt my hands… shaken. My legs felt weak. I thought of Louis’ funeral again, of trying to kiss him at the worst of times, of how much it hurt when he pulled away, of when he told he didn’t want to be something I might regret.

I remembered sleeping with Chris right after, getting back together with him without even realizing it. Of the proposal and the yelling and the months of headlines about it.

If my brother was still here, Harry and I might have been just a complicated, unique love story. But he wasn’t, and because of that everything was such a mess. I was such a mess.

And yet, here he was: loving me anyway. In spite of it all. What was the universe thinking?

“Maggie?”

My fragile, already shaken up heart went cold. I looked back to find…

“Christopher?

--- ---- ---

Royal Ascot Outfit

[A/N: I know what you’re thinking, ‘how dare you not post for 2 weeks and then leave us with a cliff hanger????’. Guys, I’m SORRY! In my defence, 2020 was a hell of a year, I had to move, the holidays were a lot, I had a guest over, and I GOT A DOG! So...........a lot has happened! But things should calm down now, so I promise to try my hardest so this doesnt happen again! Spoilers: the story is going into its next phase! Secret-relationship-angst kind of next phase. But anyway, enough about me... how have YOU been? Tell me all about it, oh and also your thoughts on the chapter? hopes for the next ones? notes? criticisms? I’ll take it all! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND STICKING WITH ME AND FOR YOUR PATIENCE! PS: Lola, my fur child, is a 2 years old rescue, loves munching ice and guilting me into petting her instead of writing/working. I also accidentally scard her out of going to the bathroom where shes supposed to so now I’m slowly moving a pet-mat through the apartment back there. Tips? LOVE YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEK! BYE!

PS 2: I PROMISE I’LL COMPRISE ALL THE CHAPTERS INTO A MASTERPOST LIKE ONE OF YOU ASKED ME TO, I JUST NEED TO FIND THE TIME BUT I WILL! Thanks for the suggestion <3 ]

[northcarolinanative]

𝙲𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 (𝟼)

Chapter 6: It Was Too Easy

A/N: This is a long one, some fluff I guess, I promise I'm getting there haha. Also two in one day? Kinda proud of myself haha. No warning on this one.. I don't think. 

Description: John B’s Sister comes home from staying with their mom, only to find out that her brother is missing and her dad was murdered. JJ may have just lost his best friend. Her and JJ have to figure out what to do and how to pick up the pieces.

Need to catch up? Ch.1 / Ch.2 / Ch.3 / Ch.4 / Ch.5 

I looked over the office space, it was pretty clean if I do say so myself, the cleanest I have ever seen it at least. The desk was bare except for a few supplies, the shelves neatly stacked with books, and the surfaces all nicely wiped down. I took one last glance over the door before making my way to the door that JJ was leaned against. I pulled it closed and locked the door. For a while at least, I would not have to be reminded of it. I walked out leaned against the counter, looking at JJ. 

“So what was that about back there.” I sat on the barstool as he moved to the kitchen, pulling out groceries. “What are you talking about?” He raised an eyebrow at me, pulling out a pot and some pasta. 

“Back at the police tent.” I walked over pulling out the spoons and stuff for the pasta. “You said I can’t be…” I paused and motioned over my body, “me. Why?” 

“Oh. Yeah umm, you know how I said Ward adopted John B?” I just nodded in response, beginning to pour the pasta into the water JJ put on the stove. “Well his social worker was standing over there, and I didn’t want her to know that you were his sister. She might try to take you too.” He looked up at me, his head still hanging low. 

My heart broke, the tone of his voice, the look in his eyes was heart wrenching. I walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. This form of comforting each other through physical affection, while new, was our go to. We knew that we both lacked the words to help the other. He put his arms around my neck. I squeezed him a little tighter. “I’m not gonna go anywhere. There’s no way you're losing me J.” I felt him hold me a little closer. 

Our moment was soon interrupted by the water boiling over onto the stove. I quickly moved to grab the spoon and stir it, moving to turn the heat down. JJ moved to grab a towel, out arms brushing, just enough for me to notice. We continued to cook in silence until it was ready. 

“So to the ferry office first?” JJ questioned as we began to eat. “Or should we start somewhere else?” 

“We need to know the area that the ship was in, or was found, you know? Before we get any other ship info.” I put another spoonful of pasta into my mouth looking at JJ. 

“Do you think Shoope will give that info out?” He questioned. 

“Honestly, I have no idea, but it was your boat. Maybe we can pull that string.” 

“My dad’s boat…” JJ said before falling silent. 

“Right.” I took in a deep breath. The room fell uncomfortably silent. I was no stranger to the way that JJ’s dad treated him. I had known him as long as John B had. It broke me to know that if Luke finds out about this or finds JJ, I don’t know what will happen. JJ risked everything to help John B, and hopefully, it wasn’t for nothing.

--

We finished up eating and cleaning the kitchen before starting off the walk back to the sheriff’s tent. I was hoping that giving my car a break would help her to start again. We approached the tent and JJ stopped. “I think that you should sit in the car.” 

“Excuse me?” I snapped. 

“Not that I don’t want you to come, but a lot of Big John’s friends and Co-workers are here.” I glanced up to see the other fishermen and neighbors in the tent. “And that lady, the social worker, she's close to the agent, and-”

“Okay JJ” I put my arm on his shoulder. “I get it.” 

“I just don’t wanna risk someone noticing you, and her sending you back to the mainland. I can’t go through with this goose chase alone.” 

I laughed. “Of course. Okay, you need to ask for the coordinates of where the boat went down, and where it was found, we’ll go from there okay?” 

He held his hand up to salute me. I mirrored his and saluted back, “Aye, Aye Capt’n.” He turned away, both of us laughing. I kept my head down as I walked back to the car. The more I thought about it, the more that what JJ was saying worried me. I was supposed to start school in the fall, I had no one to stay with and they found out my uncle wasn’t here. I needed to stay as undercover as possible. I undid my keys from my pocket and got in. I was right, my car started. I rolled the windows down enough to get some air in, but let the window tint still keep me hidden in the car. I flipped through radio stations, waiting for JJ to get back into the car. Half of me expected him to come back empty-handed, because of his relationship with Shoope, and the law in general. After this morning though, the way that he looked at JJ, half of me thought JJ would not even have to try too hard for the coordinates. 

“Ah, I see she started.” JJ said, opening the door. I jumped up from his sudden burst into the car. “Maybe next time you hide, lock the doors?” He turned, pulling the seat belt over him, as I did the same. “Oh, I love this song!” He turned up the radio sitting back. I just looked at him, a confused look on my face. “What?” He smiled at me. 

“You know what? Did you get it? What happened?” 

“Oh yea.” He dug in his pockets. He pulled out a yellow sticky note.”I present to you” He dramatically handed you the slip. “The last coordinates of the Phantom” 

His smile was big as I reached out and gripped the paper. “35.081289,-75.950656” is red. “JJ how did you even?” 

“Ah, it was too easy Y/N” He took the sticky note back from me and slipped it back in his pocket. “I told him that my dad needed the coordinates for some insurance thing.” He started. “Kie and Pope were there” 

“What? Did you talk to them?” I asked, worry coating my voice. Things didn’t seem right with them since John B left, which I hated. “You aren’t avoiding talking to them because I’m here right?” I had to ask, I did not want JJ losing his closest friends because I came back and he felt like he had to take care of me. 

“What? No! Absolutely not. I don’t know. Since they kissed they’ve been figuring things out I guess.” He reached over to grab my hand. “Don’t think you’re changing me that much Routledge” He joked, but I could tell he meant it. 

I squeezed his hand before moving to shift the car in gear. “So what happened?” I asked, still wanting to know. “Did they speak to you?”

“Oh, yea. They seemed a little worried when I was talking about my dad like they wanted to ask about me, what I was doing. They didn’t though. Shoope just gave me the numbers and I didn’t really stick around. They weren’t saying anything, I’m not sure what they were there for. Shoope said that they had not found anything, but they were still looking” He scoffed at the last part. “Compared to them, well, we’re literally better than the FBI.” 

“I’m sorry that Kie and Pope aren’t talking to you. I really am.” 

“Like I said. I’ve got you, you’ve got me” He said it with a smile on his face, causing one to grow on mine as well. “So where are we going now, Nancy Drew?” 

I laughed at the nickname he had given me, at least it was better than princess. “The ferry office, to hopefully con them out of one of those maps. And a ship list.” 

“Alright then. Sounds easy enough” I laughed again, I swear JJ could lighten the mood, anywhere anytime, and I was so thankful for that. 

-- 

We walked through the large glass door to the ferry office. “All the tickets are sold out for the next ride. Try again in a few hours.” The old man behind the desk said, without even looking up from the old box of a computer that sat in front of him. JJ gave me a disgusted look before walking to one of the models in the room, after motioning for me to talk to the man. I guess it was my turn to get the materials. 

“Uh, actually I was hoping you could help me find some public records.” I said walking up to the tall desk. 

He looked at me over the glasses that sat low on his nose. “And those would be?” I was hoping you could get me an ocean liner record and map from the days around the storm we just had?” I asked as calmly as I could. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I was extremely nervous. 

“And what does a youngin like you need with a liner map?” He said looking back at the computer. He started typing. “What area do you want?” I let out a breath. 

“The area surrounding the Banks would be fine if that's not too much.” I smiled at him. He gave me a questioning look. “And it’s for a school project, gotta work on that home history and workforce stuff”  I forced a smile, still had no idea what I was talking about. 

“Alright. Seems a bit intense for summer school?” He said standing up and reaching for the printer behind him, which began spitting out the large paper maps. 

“Summer classes, Chapel Hill. You're looking at one smart college girl right here” JJ said coming to stand behind you. 

“Oh. Alright, I’m glad they're covering this stuff over there on the mainland. It’s important.” The old man spoke handing you a few papers and 3 large maps. 

“Yes of course,” I said taking a few steps back. “Thank you so much! My professors are going to love this.” I said making the older gentlemen smile. JJ and I walked at a quicker pace. Once we were in the parking lot JJ wrapped his arms around my waist spinning me around him. 

“We did it Y/N! And it was easy. Nothing has been that easy before!” He laughed putting me down. 

“What can I say? I have a special touch.” We got back into the car. The sun had set while we were in the office. The ride was quiet, JJ messed with the radio the whole way back to the Chateau, flipping the station every thirty seconds, nothing peaking his interest. When we made our way back to the Chateau, We both sat on the folded out couch, exhausted. 

I placed the maps and took the sticky note from JJ on the counter. We went through the first map, from the night of the storm, seeing if any of the liners were running late, and possibly stopped their track because of the storm. We looked at all the times, the boat type, path and numbers, marking the Phantoms coordinates on the map, and drawing a path and radius. We were sorting it all out until later into the night. 

“Okay, As much as I want to work on this, I can’t keep my eyes open anymore” JJ collapsed onto the table for dramatic effect. 

“Alright Alright. It’ll still be here tomorrow. We’ll work on it tomorrow alright?” JJ lazily saluted to me. I walked into John B’s room, the same wave of nausea hit me, just as it had the night before. I quickly changed and left to go to the bathroom. I saw JJ standing shirtless in the bathroom brushing his teeth. I stood, leaning against the frame of the bathroom. 

“If you took a picture it would last longer” JJ joked. 

“Oh. Haha. I’m waiting for my turn to brush my teeth.” JJ just moved to hand me my toothbrush and the toothpaste, then stepped to the side. I slid past him and made my way to the sink. I looked in the mirror as he finished up brushing his teeth. 

“So, Are we sharing a bed again tonight?” Any other time I would have thought he was being a smart ass, but there was a genuine tone to his voice. “Because I don't mind the company” I just nodded, before finishing up brushing my teeth. I didn’t want to seem like a baby, but the thought of sleeping in my dead dad’s bed, or my missing brothers, just felt wrong right now. I laid down next to JJ, mirroring his position. We both stared up at the dark ceiling. 

“What are you thinking about?” I asked him. 

“That John B is really gonna owe me one when we find his ass.” JJ laughed. 

I turn on my side to face him. “What if we don’t?” My voice cracked, giving me up as tears started to fall down my face again. 

“Hey now.” JJ turned and pulled me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me. “We will. You and your detective skills, and me with, well I don't know, but we’ll find him ok?” 

I just nodded into his chest. I put one arm over his side, letting him know I was comfortable. I just mumbled out a soft “ok.” 

“Alright, We worked hard today, let’s get some sleep alright” 

I slowly started to fall asleep, the long day had taken a toll on me. Before I completely fell asleep I felt JJ place a kiss into my hair and rest his head on top of mine, leaving me to smile against his chest like an idiot. 

Chapter 7

--

Tag List: @nikki082489 @lovelymaybankk @dolanfivsosxox @alexa-playafricabytoto​ @downbytheouterbanks @heyhargrove​ @kayln021 @readysteadygo23  @im-a-stranger-thing @thatsonobx @dumbxgurl @ameeraaa21 @zehnuhrfunf @imagines-and-preferences1216

[softboyscully]

Public School Stuff I Wanted to Share

public school is both beautiful and horrifying am i right

so ill just go by the grades i guess

Kindergarten, first year

i did kindergartden at a catholic school in a relativly big city so this one’s got some shit

we went to church every wednesday, me and best friend (lost track of her when we moved, wish we’d stayed in touch, she was awesome) would giggle the whole time, pretty sure we made fun of jesus once, can’t remember why, possibly the hair

i had the nicest teacher, she was (as i remember her) young, blonde, and super sweet, that was the first and last year i ever had naptime

SPEAKING of naptime

i never slept during it

once i found what i remember being a nut of some sort on the ground, probably came off someone’s shoe

i grab it, turn to sarah (my best friend), say something about putting it up my nose

sarah, apparently having common sense, says, “no dont do it!! we’re supposed to be sleeping!!”

i put it up my fucking nose

try to get it out, just push it farther in

im crying a little bit now, that shit hurts

go up to my teacher

“you’re supposed to be asleep!”

“i have a nut up my nose and it wont come out”

teacher tries to get it out, but it wont budge

just. sends me back to my mat

that was it

the art room was tiny

like re-purposed broom closet tiny

there was a copy of the mona lisa in the hallway, someone had drawn ray bans on it with a pencil, never got replaced

there was a creepy-ass basement i went down to after school, we ate cheeseballs and sandwiches with some kind of meat, mayo, and that kinda yellow bread

someone broke his leg down there once, think an older kid threw him at the ceiling or something

we learned how to play Silver Bells with actual bells in music class

Kindergarten, second year

i remember these two teachers as the evil step sister-type look, but it might be my little kid imagination

but seriously they were horrible

we learned stuff in a room that was more middle-school styled, except everything was green or black and it was v dark

me and sarah attained a new friend, john

honestly i think we would’ve stayed friends for a while if i didnt move away

i have two vivid memories

one is of me really wanting to go home, so i walked by the teacher’s desk and did a fake sneeze

they laughed at me and told me to go sit back down

the other is  john leaning his chair back and then falling, so me and sarah went to help him back up

it was funny, so he did it again

and again

me and sarah were laughing, had the time of our lives

after the maybe fifth time the teachers said “john can get back up by himself. sit down and stay there.”

one of the reasons we moved was bc i got sent a letter from my fourth grade buddie

most of the words weren’t spelled correctly, many letters were backwards

my mother was horrified

ofc now we know it was probably a learning disability 

1st grade

this is when i moved

beginning of school i was ASTOUNDED we didnt have uniforms, one of the best things ever to happen to me

nothing wrong with this teacher, she was cool

thing is i was a little shit

told everyone my dogs died (they did but i was maybe three when it happened, i remember it not)

all my personal narratives were bullshit (only one sticks in my memory, wrote it about celebrating christmas AND hanukkah with my dad’s friends who were jewish, i have never even met those friends)

had a crush on this kid, best friend (she was terrible and helped wreck me emotionally) told me to kiss him in music class. me being a stupid ass bitch, i did it, aND HE GOES TO THE TEACHER AND CALLS ME OUT. at the end of class she gets both of us to stay for a bit, AND I DENYIED EVERYTHING. i walked across the fucking classroom, kissed him on the cheek, ran away giggling, told my teacher i didn’t do anything, AND GOT AWAY WITH IT. i’ve embarrassed myself further with this child but thats another story

2nd grade

i loved this teacher but honestly he was absolute shit

like. all he did was play the guitar and sing with us

never actually taught us stuff???

middle of the year, my mom goes in for a parent-teacher conference, he tells her i dont pay attention is math.

“what do you mean?”

“she doesn’t listen, she just takes out a book and starts reading.”

“........have you.... tried taking the book away?”

“sure, i could try that.”

“o....kay”

he also told her i’d be a girl who’d grow up to love spellcheck (which i do lmao)

like ???? why not just??? teach me to spell????

there was this one dude who one day showed up, gave me a pink stuffed cat, and then asked me where i lived

funniest thing was he lived on the same street as me

something that is vivid in my memory is showing up to class one day and realizing that i was wearing my regular clothes over my pajamas

also we had fish

every day someone else was in charge of feeding them

one of the times it was my job, i grab the fish food and walk over to the tank only to find all of the fish floating on the top

i screamed “THE FISH CAN FLY?!?!?!?!?!”

everyone ran over, all of us scarred for life when Mr. G walks over and goes in the most normal voice ever “no theyre dead”

we held a funeral

the cause of death is still undetermined

3rd grade

this year just draws a blank for me

all i know is that whoever the teacher was, they neglected to teach me how to tell time from a clock

also we learned the Cotten Eyed Joe dance in gym around here

4th grade

i had two teachers this year

one was the same one from 1st grade, the other one was a total bitch

made a girl named hannah ball her eyes out once, never apologized

i was (and am) and avid reader, so my reading skills were high above average

instead of being proud of me she told me i was weird, not normal, and too smart for a 4th grader, so i MUST be cheating. 

she was the start of a lot of self confidence issues for me ngl

this was around the time i went and got tested for ADHD (me and my grandmother almost broke down on the highway but thats another story), Mrs. M (the nice one) was super supportive when i told her why i was leaving early but Ms. S (bitch) told me ADHD wasn’t real and i just wanted to be special for once

she sucked, Ms. S

5th grade

this is getting super long so this’ll be the last one i do

but my teacher..... Mr. F was A+++++

he legitimately taught me math

we had i guess like,,, a buddie class we switched with sometimes

the teacher of that class was Mrs. R, who had crazy red hair and many freckles

at one point she referenced a meme and my entire class started screaming

also there was another Mrs. S (to differentiate this one will be called Mrs. Su)

she was kind of crazy

she was the astronomy teacher and she told us many times that the moon landing was faked

once she handed out sunscreen and had everyone put it on their whole body (this was in december, fyi)

Mr. F also hosted an ‘archeological dig’ which sounds cool but in reality he had a bunch of arcade prizes from his childhood buried in little flower pots we dug into with plastic spoons

also heres some stuff i cants pinpoint the time of/happened in multiple grades:

someone held a who-can-scream-the-most-like-a-goat contest

a guy named Makenzie won

remember we planned it while the teacher left the classroom so the teacher walks back in and one by one everyone in the room starts screaming, there was some applause, a few kids got a standing ovation

we cleaned out our desks in the middle of the year, i found 3 socks and a dog treat in mine

like how the fuck did any of those things get there

and where’s the fourth sock

b o t t l e f l i p p i n g

but no seriously there were at least five water bottles stuck in the ceiling in the cafeteria

my sorta friend charlie was obsessed with paper airplanes

one time he might’ve broken the world record for longest time in the air but he was counting in his head and it was at recess so there was no video

four square and gaga ball would be played no matter the setting, time, or conditions and it was super competitive

like if you could get to king in four square you got the everlasting respect of everyone

and everyone was super educated on four square special rules, special plays, that kinda shit

no but guys i grew up with bus stop, candy store, haunted house on mondays, haunted mansion on fridays, zombies was fair game unless it was Zach, Ryan, Chrissy or Vee

me and one other guy named andrew were the only known pjo fans, had the time of our LIVES making refrences

“HEY ANDREW IM NOBODY”

“I HAVE WAITED YEARS FOR YOU, NOBODY, COME HERE AND FACE YOUR DEATH”

“hey annabeth, i thought you looked like a princess when i first saw you. i printed out a picture you sent me casually and kept it with me. i snuck along on a quest so i could save you, endangering myself immensely. i held the sky for you. when you talk about your crush on luke, i get jealous. beckendorf understood, but hes dead.”

“ikr we’re literally the best of friends”

“RIGHT”  

also the first time we finished mark of athena we were in the same classroom and we individually dropped the book, stood up, looked at each other, and screamed “WELL FUCK YOU TOO RICK RIORDAN”

[myherowritings]

slip of the tongue

— overview: during a charity interview with the top three heroes, deku and shouto “accidentally” give away ground zero’s crush on you. you’re asked about bakugou in an interview of your own and, during a fit of excitement, accidentally let your crush on him slip.

— pairing: pro hero!bakugou katsuki x [fem]pro hero!reader

— word count: 2.2k

— genre: pro hero au, celebrity crush au vibes, fluff

— author’s note: [y/h/n = your hero name] this is literally so self-indulgent i’m sorry but this was so much fun to write lolol. i hope you give in and enjoy this fic with me ;)

“Being a Pro Hero can call for a taxing lifestyle. You work day in and day out and, even during your vacations, it’s hard to catch a real break.” The interviewer waited for the three of them to nod before continuing, “Do you have any advice for young, aspiring heroes on how to balance work and personal wellbeing?”

“That’s a tough one,” Midoriya replied, tilting his head to the side as he thought of his answer. “Being a hero requires a lot of time and sacrifice, and sometimes it’s difficult to remember to take care of yourself in such a high stress environment. But if Aizawa-sensei taught us anything during our years at U.A., it’s that…”

Deku continued to talk on and on and Bakugou found himself counting the number of threads present on the arm of the sofa.

For the majority of the interview, Katsuki sat near the edge of the couch ready to bolt out of his seat. His manager claimed the special “Top Three” interview was a good way to raise money for charity, but he was almost certain it was simply a thinly veiled publicity stunt and an extra way for the crew to bring cash to their own pockets.

“To be honest, I’m still trying to figure that out myself,” said Todoroki after a long pause, inciting loud cheers and deep sighs from the audience.

Bakugou narrowed his eyes. That fucker could say he ate nail clippings for breakfast and the response would be the same.

So far, the interview had consisted of Deku blabbing on until the host directed the conversation elsewhere, Shouto piping in with a stupid comment in a low drawl that made the entire audience swoon, and Ground Zero almost bursting with annoyance at the vain questions asked.

(The question the host asked Midoriya was probably the most--if not only--question of substance. The rest were about who was dating who, how long did it take to develop such toned muscles, and other bullshit he didn’t care for.)

He found himself zoning out until Todoroki nudged him on the side.

With a blink, Bakugou turned to the interviewer who cleared his throat with a nervous chuckle.

“As I was saying…” started the host, trying to find his words. “You guys are the Top Three everyone is striving to become, but are there any heroes that inspire you? An individual who stands out as someone you trust to keep Japan safe?”

Midoriya nodded fervently, a sparkle lighting up his eye as he began to speak. “Plenty! It’s not possible to choose just one. There are so many heroes I’ve met along the way that helped make me the person I am today--”

And that’s when Bakugou stopped paying attention.

Not for lack of interest, per se, but simply because he’s heard Deku say this millions of times before. Everyone other time he opens his damn mouth, it’s to shout praises of any quirk someone possesses.

“...but ever since our U.A. years, I’ve always had a good feeling about Y/H/N.”

And that’s when Bakugou started paying attention again.

His neck snapped towards Izuku at the mention of your name and Todoroki stifled an amused snort.

You met them as a student in U.A., exactly two grades below theirs. Like Half-and-Half, you got accepted through recommendations and easily blew everyone in your class away during the Sports Festival.

Bakguou didn’t give a single fuck about you back then. He thought you were a spoiled princess who had her life handed to her on a silver platter, but as long as you didn’t get in his way, you weren’t important enough to worry about. But years have passed and, through a variety of encounters during hero training and internships, he began to realize maybe you weren’t all that bad.

In fact, you were rather...admirable.

He grimaced at the thought.

“I’m quite fond of her as well,” said Shouto, a small smile on his face as he met the audience’s captivated gaze. “She makes the best cold soba. And the control she has over her quirk is impressive.”

Katsuki snorted. “Glad to know your priorities are in check.”

“Making good soba is a noteworthy talent,” defended the interviewer, head halfway up Icy Hot’s ass. “And what about you, Ground Zero. We only have a few minutes left together, but are there any young heroes who caught your eye?”

He shrugged. “There’s--”

“He’s mentioned Y/H/N before, too,” Todoroki answered for him, sharing a look with Midoriya. “In the break room earlier, the news channel was on and Ground Zero had his eyes glued to the screen when she appeared.”

Izuku hummed in agreement. “And he wouldn’t stop talking about how powerful and pretty she looked during her debut as a Pro--”

“For fuck’s sake, I told you not to tell--”

“Sir, language! This is a live recording.”

Bakugou glared at the host for interrupting, then gave an even harsher glare to Deku and Icy Hot for opening their big mouths. Shouto quirked his head to the side, peering at him with an oblivious look that Katsuki wanted to punch off his face. Izuku simply avoided his gaze, taking a sip from his glass of water.

Todoroki blinked. “The more I think about it, the more it seems Ground Zero might actually like Y/H/N.”

Midoriya spluttered out the remnants of the drink in his mouth, coughing uncontrollably as his face reddened. He glanced nervously at Bakugou to check his reaction and gulped. Katsuki’s left eye was twitching and the crackling noise of the nitroglycerin on his hands igniting grew louder.

“Ah, S-Shouto?” Deku said with a forced chuckle, trying to take control the situation. He turned to the audience. “I-I think what he means to say is that Ground Zero likes Y/H/N...as a person. Right?”

Todoroki looked confused. “No? I meant that he likes her and wants to--”

Izuku clamped a hand over Shouto’s mouth and Bakugou jumped up from his seat, sparks flying off of his forearms. So much for being stupid enough to trust these idiots with his personal feelings ever again.

“ARE YOU A FUCKING MORON OR--?!”

“And that’s all we have time for today, folks!” the interviewer interrupted, desperately trying to take the attention away from the chaos unfolding in front of him. Midoriya placed himself between Bakugou and Bakugou’s newfound target, and the audience had their phones at the ready. The host let out a strangled cry. “A big thank you to Deku, Shouto, and Ground Zero for all that they do for Japan. Now, please-- Just leave! And tune in next time on JNN!”

- - - - -

“We’ve had an amazing time tonight with you here,” the host paused, smiling as the audience cheered, “but before our time comes to an end, there is one last thing I think we’re all dying to know.”

“Of course!” you said with a smile, crossing one leg over the other as you leaned towards him intently. “I’m all ears.”

You could’ve sworn his cheeks turned pink with a swoon before continuing. “Ahem. A few days ago, we had the Top Three heroes visit the studio for an exclusive interview.”

At the mention of the Top Three, you almost bounced out of your seat in excitement. You had known them since high school, yet you continued to be starstruck at the intelligence and talent they brought to the field. Just hearing about their accomplishments pushed you to strive to become a better hero.

“I heard! I haven’t watched it yet, but I really need to,” you exclaimed, a bright smile on your face. “I look up to them all so much and they’re such a joy to be around. The interview must’ve been so fun!”

The host muttered, “Fun… That’s a way to put it.”

You let out an awkward chuckle.

As if just now remembering the camera was rolling, he cleared his throat and straightened in his seat. “Yes, they were certainly a joy to be around. There was never a dull moment with them, to say the least.”

“Right…”

“And when they were here, they told us which talented young heroes they admired.” He gave you a pleasant smile. “Your name just so happened to be at the top of their lists.”

Your eyes felt like they were going to bulge out of their sockets. The Top Three admired you? “R-Really?”

“Yes, really. Deku said he had a good feeling you were going to make it big, ever since U.A. Shouto even said he liked the cold soba you made him,” the interviewer said and you flushed.

You were a big fan of Todoroki’s ever since his Sport’s Festival performance during his first year. Of course you had to make him his favorite food any chance you could. And Midoriya-- There were no words to describe how much you looked up to someone so powerful yet so… good. There was simply no one else quite like him.

“But what was even more interesting was what we heard from Ground Zero.”

Now, while you looked up to and loved Deku and Shouto, Ground Zero had a special place in your heart.

You looked up to him as well, there was no denying that, but lately your feelings felt like something more than admiration. The more encounters you had with Bakugou, the less you viewed him as the same arrogant (and annoyingly powerful) kid from U.A. No-- He was different now. Big-headed at times? Yes. But there was a kindness and warmth deep inside him you never quite noticed until recently.

“What did he say?” you asked, hoping your voice wasn’t as jittery as you felt.

“Well, he really admires your talent and strength, as well as the hard work and effort you put into being a Pro Hero.” The host drummed his fingertips along the desk as he sang your praises. Leaning closer to you, he lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “And--just between you and me--Shouto and Deku let it slip that he wouldn’t stop talking about you after your debut as a Pro, either. Ground Zero seems to be absolutely entranced by your presence on screen.”

Every logical part of you knew this man was exaggerating for the sake of show business, but you were too ecstatic to really care.

This was Bakugou fucking Katsuki he was talking about. Ground Zero himself!

You could hardly contain your excitement as you practically bounced in your seat. “He admires me?” You shook your head. “That can’t be possible! He’s one of the best heroes the world has! Deku may be ranked number one--and he absolutely deserves it--but Ground Zero has always been a personal favorite of mine.”

Your interviewer raised his eyebrows at your admission. “Is that so?”

“Most definitely!” you said with a zealous nod. “He’s always so determined and passionate in everything he does. Ground Zero’s a natural born hero, but that doesn’t stop him from pushing himself everyday to be the very best he could possibly be. He…inspires me, really.”

“That sounds like a little more than inspiration to me,” replied the host with a thinly veiled smirk.

You felt your cheeks heat up and, if you had Bakugou’s quirk, you knew you’d be popping off some nitroglycerin at the embarrassment. The interviewer couldn’t possibly expose you for having a crush on a certain Pro Hero, right?

“I… Ah-- What do you mean?” you coughed out.

“Oh, nothing,” he said simply, enjoying the doe-eyed expression on your face a little too much. “Well, I hate to end such an amazing interview, but that’s all the time we have for today! Thank you so much, Y/H/N, and tune in next time on JNN!”

- - - - -

“So, I heard you might have a small crush on me.”

“Tch.”

“Or did the interviewer totally blow it out of proportion and now I’m just making a fool of myself?”

“Pfft.”

“Oh, my God, I’d be mortified if--”

“Is now really the time to talk about this?!” Bakugou grunted in a strained voice. His ears were a bright red as you continued to move closer to him.

You blinked up at him innocently. “What do you mean?”

There was a crashing noise behind you as Ground Zero took down a dismembered, yet fully mobile, appendage of the Storm Villain, Karmegan. When another came up behind you, he stretched his hands out to do his famous AP Shot and you almost swooned on the spot when he aimed the perfect circle.

“I mean maybe we can talk about us after we defeat all these loser mutants?”

“Loser?!” the villain roared shooting off another army of appendage-sized mutants in your direction.

Easily dodging his attack, you retaliated with your long range specialty move and looked at Bakugou with a smile.

“So, what I’m hearing is there is an ‘us’?”

“Are you trying to flirt with me while we save Musutafu?” he asked. When you nodded sheepishly, he snorted in begrudging amusement. “That’s some nerve you’ve got there, pipsqueak.”

Bakugou punched Karmegan, who came up from your back, and gave you a slight smirk.

“How about after we survive this attack, I take you out on a date?”

The grin on your face was almost uncontrollable as you took out an enemy behind him. Katsuki ducked right as you kicked, in perfect synchronization.

“Sounds like a plan, Ground Zero.”

“We better end this quickly then, Y/H/N,” he said, a mischievous glint in his eye. “Now I’m looking forward to our date.”

[sunsinourhands]

Let's talk about Felix Warren

I feel the need to preface this by saying I take no joy in Online Drama. But, I feel I've been silent about this for too long and nobody gains anything from my silence. For the record, I only hold a bachelor's degree in Psychology, so please don't consider me to be an end-all-be-all authority on the subject. I consider myself to have a barely above-average understanding--but enough to make a commentary when mental illness and accusations of abuse are being thrown around. I am not an 'influencer' or 'internet famous' and much of the interaction I have with my mutuals on this blog are common shitposts about cats or memes. I have no intentions of becoming an influencer, and thus nothing to gain by posting a wall of text instead of my regularly scheduled bird memes. I have not known either Rune or Felix long enough to say I am intimately familiar with either. But, the resulting breakup between them is one of the major reasons why I am better acquainted with Rune over Felix. My history with both boils down to I found their posts to be helpful in my own witchcraft and joined (for a time) both of their patreons. I left Felix's patreon after coming to the conclusion that I did not have spare time at that point to dedicate to his classes--unrelated to anything else going on at that time. I wasn't 'seduced' away from it. I am also the person Felix alluded to when he said a cis woman claimed girl autistics are 'better' than boy ones--which I'm not really sure what that means. As I do not have permission from every single person in that chat, I will currently not post the entire conversation. What I said was that male-presenting autistic individuals are often more diagnosed than their female-presenting counterparts--due to behavioral issues. I DID say that male-presenting autistics are often more aggressive. (And this is in the literature. You can look it up on Google Scholar. But, by that point, we were not talking about Felix. That was more me ranting about how female-presenting individuals are not diagnosed. I was not diagnosed until my late 20s--which I did mention in the conversation. )But I would hardly claim that meant one was 'better' than the other. This entire conversation began relevant to Felix, mostly regarding a question of if his behavior (aggression, obsession over his ex's, manufacture of villains for his internal narrative) was caused by autism, c-PTSD, or Major Depressive Disorder. I stated that I did not think so, on the basis of also suffering from depression, c-PTSD, and being on the autism spectrum myself. I never spoke to Felix alone, so I cannot speak to him being paranoid. I was never that close to him, and think I was only ever on a group chat with him a few times. So I cannot give a diagnosis and am not qualified to give a diagnosis. I also cannot speak to that sort of behavior or thought pattern. I can speak to Felix's aggression and obsessive tendencies. I have heard multiple stories of Felix obsessing over ex's-- ex-friends, ex-lovers--a number of people who seem to have gone from being the apple of his eye to absolute garbage in the time it takes to snap your fingers. I have also seen him write public posts about his various villains and how abusive they were--but it seems curious to me that someone who was so wrongfully abused would poke at the proverbial hornet's nest repeatedly. This is not something that people looking to escape a bad situation do. Rune's posting was on a private discord server. This also began because a number of individuals have sent him hate-mail and referenced Felix's blog. So this was a venting of current issues on a private server, hoping to find a solution and voice frustration. I will note that up until this moment, Rune asked his friends and acquaintances not to bother Felix. Rune wanted to be left alone--which is far more consistent with someone who has been in a bad relationship. Re: the term 'Psychotic.' People do not have to have a diagnosis of a Psychotic Disorder to exhibit psychotic behavior. There is a reason there is diagnostic criteria for

these disorders. People can also have one-time Psychotic Episodes--which are often brought on by severe stress. I don't feel like re-typing everything about Psychosis here, but there are articles that are easy to find. Some delusion types are referenced here. Feelings of persecution (such as by an ex(or exes) who actually tells people not to bother you, and specifically wants just to be left alone by aggressive followers) and beliefs that someone is an abusive situation when they are not (I have been on calls with Rune when he was alone in a room with internet (via discord) multiple times, and have never seen any indication of abuse or some kind of subtle code between him and his husbands,) (hypnosis, mind control, magical unicorn reiki, vampirism, which I have never heard about) both cleanly fall within the stated categories. Acting upon these delusions (from what I can tell, they are delusions) does fall into the category of Psychotic Behavior. I would also consider him calling the cops on someone to be an act of aggression--given that both of us would know that Rune doesn't care for cops. Felix would have known that fact better than me. I distanced myself from Felix at that point, mostly because I have past trauma with people calling the cops on me for suicidal ideation and using the police as a threat to get me 'locked up' when I didn't behave in a way they wanted me to. Also, I wouldn't have wanted to speak to the person who called the cops on me in that moment, either, so maybe I'm the crazy one but that doesn't seem like a sign of abuse to me. For the record, I have heard Rune complain about being hungry--but only if someone was on the way home with takeout and was taking a long time or during a period of time when he was eating mostly salads for a diet. But that was a diet CHOICE, not a sign of abuse. I have never seen any narcissistic behavior from Rune, in fact he seems self-effacing at times and seems very aware that he can and has made mistakes in the past and probably will continue to do so. He seems quite aware of himself as a flawed, human individual. I have also had experience dealing with people with NPD.

I cannot speak about any of Felix's past relationships because I was not in contact with him during that time. But, I can speak to him behaving in an obsessive way about Rune and the impact his aggressive followers have had on Rune's life. I have also seen him cherry-pick information and specifically leave out details in order to make his stories more dramatic. Thus, I can only really speak to the fact that he seems to need a villain in his life--someone for him to obsess over and smear through the mud in a public fashion--and this seems to be a repeated pattern of behavior. If he doesn't have one, he will manufacture one in order to continue playing the victim. His thoughts seem to be a bit wild and disorganized, especially in his accusations towards Rune regarding hypnosis and mind control. Especially something so absolute and complex as stated in Felix's posts. I have only seen behavior like this a few times before in person. And I understand why both Rune and @hellboundwitch both just want Felix to leave them alone. I encourage anyone involved to speak up and speak the truth.

[thewritingstar]

Sorry for asking so much but if u dont mind i like to think that blossom sees boomer like his little bro so lile one day boomer having panic attack and blossom helping him. God i love my bby boy suffering

Oh don’t apologize! I love it! Ask as much as you want love. Fun fact, I used to have panic disorder from the age of 6- 17 so I know all about panic attacks. That wasn’t a very fun fact but uhhh, hope you enjoy!

Everything in this fic is from my own experience and I also took psychology as well. 

So I’m going to write this with my version of my own attacks so what you see boomer having is equivalent to mine. From my own experience just so that no one comes for me, I can’t speak for about ten minutes and its had to move so im either sitting or under neath something like a desk. Once I can talk, I stutter and can barely form full sentences. Its important to know that panic attack and anxiety attacks are much different as the first doesn’t have triggers but the second does. Also the first thought you have when you going into a panic attack is thinking you are about to die, scary but its true. 

Now that is out of the way, I hope you enjoy this fic and sorry that it took so long to do!

Pairing: Blossom and Boomer (non shipping) 

Fandom: Powerpuff Girls 

——

She never really knew how or why she heard it. Super hearing gave you many things but hearing the worlds smallest sob escape trembling lips was never something she usually picked up on. 

It buzzed in her ear and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up with a slight chill. Soon her feet were taking her upstairs and it was the first time she had ignored the hall pass rule. 

Being a hero meant she had to be ready for anything. Monster attacks, demons rising from the pits of hell and even gangs shooting up stores, it was all part of the deal, yet there were some problems that not even super powers could handle. 

She opened the door to the roof slowly before stepping out and feeling the crisp and cool air of the morning. It would have been peaceful if someone wasn’t crying. Her foot steps were that of a ghost as she walked towards the other end and she dropped to her knees before placing a hand on a trembling shoulder. 

“Boomer?” she asked quietly. 

The blond boy looked up, his eyes had been blown wide and were rubbed red to the point that they might scar. His lips trembled as he said nothing stared at her with an empty look. 

She felt frightened in that moment, not for her well being but his. She watched as his lips parted but nothing came out. He tried to speak but his voice was like a desert. Dry and bare. 

His eyes searched for an answer, something to cling and grab onto so he could swim.

“Boomer, are you okay?” She asked knowing the answer already. Again, no words but blue eyes that begged for help. 

His breathing picked up, hyperventilation coming into play and he brought his hands to his ears and slammed his foot down as if to drown out the silence. Blossom searched for any sign of what could have hurt him, she had to think. There was nothing, no monster or attack and he didn’t seem physically hurt, so what could- 

Oh. Oh. OH. 

She should have known what was happening the minute it she saw him. Her advanced psychology classes came into handy just now. 

“Boomer.” She said softly and he opened his eyes. “I think you are having a panic attack.” His eyebrows furrowed and she bit her lip. “Okay maybe you are aware of that but I’m going to help you through this, okay?” 

Boomer said nothing and she didn’t expect him too. She made a mental note that he was going non verbal during these and maybe that's why he couldn’t call for help. 

Blossom dug through her bag for her notes and found it in record time. “Okay lets see, panic attacks.” She began to read. “The first thing that happens during an attack is the thought of death. Oh.” She frown. “There is a constant state of panic that last five to ten minutes but the after math of the fear could last hours. In order to stop a panic attack, the person experiencing it must wait it out or an extreme reaction can help quicken the process, other than that, there's nothing to do.” She scoffed. “Gee that was helpful.” 

All she needed was a distraction, she could do that. She could tell a joke? No, she wasn’t good at those and only got a humorous reaction from her clumsiness. Instead of trying to figure it out, her phone was her next best guess. 

“Don’t worry Boomer, I got you.” She smiled. She went to a few different sources and found one. “Ice in the mouth. It should trick your brain into thinking about it instead.” Blossom looked around. “Where can I get ice?”

She suddenly felt a finger poke at her cheek. She looked at Boomer who was point at his mouth then to her. Oh! 

“My ice breath!” She cheered and held out her hand and carefully blowed until a small cube formed in her hand. “I’m not sure Boomer that might be a little gross-” 

The cube was taken and before she could protest, it was in his mouth. 

“Okay then, how's that working?” She questioned with a soft expression. 

He looked from the left then to the right as he shifted the ice in his mouth. Slowly he opened his mouth, his voice breaking as he spoke. 

“I-” He tried to say as tears formed in his eyes again. 

Blossom put her hand on his and ushered him not to speak. 

“Its okay, you don't have to say anything. You got through it, I’m sorry I was only here at the end but you did it, Boomer.” She said proudly. 

He wiped his tears with his sleeve that was already soaked from earlier and leaned to grab her shoulder and pull her into a hug. She felt the tension from his shoulders fall instantly and his heart rate slower to a more desired rate as he hugged her tighter and held her for a moment. She didn’t dare budge but gave him a squeeze and ruffled his hair as he pulled away. 

“Your face is awfully red, maybe you should go home.” She said as she helped him stand. 

He nodded and grabbed his bag. “T-thank you.” He croaked. “No one has ever been with me before.” He said sadly. 

She frowned. “Does Brick know?” 

Boomer shifted on the balls of his feet. “No.” 

“Do...do you have these often?” She was almost afraid to ask. 

“Once a month maybe. Most of the time I’m at home, haven’t have a public one in a while.” 

“Was there anything that could have caused it?” 

He bit his lip and shrugged. “No. You read those books, they are random but Brick and Butch fighting constantly and the stress of school doesn’t help. But it's okay.” He offered her a smile. “That ice trick worked really well. Without you, I probably would have been there until school got out. I’m just really happy it was you and not anyone else.” He said honestly. 

“I think you should tell your brothers. You can barely speak in that state and I would hate for something to happen when you couldn’t call out for anyone.” 

He tightened his hold on his backpack and gulped. “I don’t want to. Its embarrassing. I’d rather keep it to myself, I can handle it.” 

She knew there was no way he would budge. She exhaled and pulled his phone  from his pocket. 

“hey what are-”

“Im installing a safety button. My sisters and I have a button that we can push that automatic lets us know when we are in danger and can’t speak. It's mostly for missions and things like that but this is just as important.” She handed him his phone back. “So when ever this happens and you feel like you need some help or someone to just sit there with you, I’m one click away.” 

He stared at the button and placed his thumb over it. A beeping noise came from Blossoms phone and she pulled it out to silence it. “See like that.” 

A wave of emotions came over Boomer as he began to tear up for the hundredth time. “Blossom, I don’t think you know how much this means to me.” 

Blossom brought him in for another hug. “You won’t be alone any longer, I promise.” 

She felt him nod against her shoulder and wiped the tear steaming down his cheek with her thumb. “Lets go get you check out to the office and sent home, you should rest.” 

“Yeah. I’m a little dizzy.” 

She wrapped her arm around his and the began to walk towards the office just as the bell rang. 

“Damn it, I miss third period.” Boomer sighed. 

“Its fine. Buttercup will give you the homework and I’ll get anything else you need.” 

“You really don’t have to Bloss.” 

“As a hero and more importantly, a friend, I will.” Blossom said.

“Boomer.” They heard a voice behind and she knew instantly it was Brick. 

They stopped walking just as Brick came in front of them. “The hell are you doing?” Brick asked as he looked at their conjoined arms. 

Boomer was about to say something but Blossom squeezed his arm. 

“Hes not feeling well and I’m sending him home.” Blossom stated. 

“You were fine this morning.” Brick narrowed his eyes. “Buttercup said you ditched class.” 

“He didn’t ditch. Some of us have emotions and right now Boomer is not feeling too well, he can explain on his own time but as his now older sister, I am making him go home and rest.”

“What she said.” Boomer said just as he yawned. 

Brick rolled his eyes and shrugged. “Fine, go home.” 

Boomer gave him a small smile. 

“Go on ahead, I’ll meet you in the office.” Blossom said as Boomer walked ahead. 

“Is he really sick?” Brick asked and she could sense that he was really worried.

“I wouldn’t say that but its also not my place. Just go easy on him, he's having a hard time right now and I think having his brother help him through it would be good for both of you.” She reassured him. 

“Alright, whatever. I’ll make sure Boomer is fine.” 

Blossom smiled and kissed him quickly on the cheek. “You're so sweet.” She gushed dramatically. 

Bricks face flushed slightly as he took her hand and tried to hide his smirk. “Yeah. Yeah. Let’s not be late to chemistry.” 

“Would love too but I have to go use my puff powers to get my new little brother home.” 

“Little brother?” Brick shook his head. “What are you adopting him next?” 

“I just might.” She smiled. “I’ll see ya in class.” She winked as she headed towards the office. 

She found Boomer sitting in one of the chairs. “If you could stop canoodling with my brother, I would like to leave, I got a massive headache and my face is a disaster from crying.”

“We weren’t canoodling.” She said under her breath as she went up to the office lady. 

Boomer sat and watched as she talked. He felt better by a landslide since she came to help him and hearing her refer to him as a little brother made him a little more happy then he cared to admit. Watching Blossom talk and win over the woman made him smile as he hugged his arms together. 

“Yeah, big sis would be nice.” He said to himself but he didn't miss the way her lips turned up into a small smile. 

----

I hope you enjoyed! I actually really liked this prompt and sometimes its good to read things that can help you in daily life. 

[stylesluxx]

cold? chilling? freezing? (VI) – s.rogers

[warnings: fury getting shot but that’s it I think]

summary: in which y/n is an assassin turned lover | part five | part seven

word count: 1,758

masterlist

You didn't go straight back to the apartment after you visited the Smithsonian. You remembered it was your night to cook so you spent the afternoon in the grocery store.

You never had to cook until you lived with the super-soldier. You loved takeout but he complained about it after a week. Something about wanting a real home-cooked meal. He cooked for the first month before you ended up getting food poisoning because honestly, he's horrible at cooking. Then you tried to take over and come to find out you too were a horrible chef.

So, every Saturday night you and Steve went to cooking classes and tried to get a hang of it. You started to buy pots and pans and baking sheets. You wouldn't say you were Gordan Ramsey or anything but you were 10 times better of a cook than you were two years ago.

When you got back to the apartment, Steve had just opened the door to the building and smiled when he spotted you. He reached and held the door so it wouldn't close on you before shutting it softly behind you. You looked at the stairs in front of you and sighed before beginning the journey up.

"How was the rest of your afternoon, Captain?" You asked as he took the bags from your hands.

"It was... enlightening. I met with Sam, the guy from the park. He has a support group for veterans," Steve nodded thoughtfully.

"Maybe you should attend that as well. The missions might start to become a bit much after a while. And it'll help you adapt better," You suggested and looked up at him as we walked beside you.

"And what about you?"

"I, uh, Director Fury has already set me up with the therapist. Agent Romanoff recommended it and I respect her advice. We're more similar than I originally thought," You hesitantly spoke, not wanting to divulge too much. "Did you see Miss Carter today?"

"Yeah, I did."

"And how was that?"

"It was good. She thinks I put too much pressure on myself."

"I agree with her, one hundred percent."

"I feel like you've been attacking me ever since you walked in the building," He teased with a light smile on his face, making you laugh.

"Well, get your shit together Rogers," You smiled at him and walked up the last step.

You spotted the blonde woman opening her door and you turned back to give Steve a wink.

"Good evening," You greeted her with a smile and wave.

She was on the phone and had a laundry basket in her hand as she tried to open to door to her apartment. She gave you and Steve smiles before finishing up her phone call and turning to you and Steve.

"My aunt, she's kind of an insomniac," She waved her phone before tossing it in the basket.

It was silent for a moment before you decided to speak up and help Steve out.

"Hey, if you want, you're welcome to use our machine. Might be cheaper than the one in the basement and you won't have to walk up and down all those stairs," You suggested. "And while it dries you and my friend here can maybe go out for coffee."

Steve looked back at you wide-eyed and full of shock before turning back to the blonde with a chivalrous smile.

"Thank you, but I already have a load in downstairs, and uh you really don't want my scrubs in your machine. I just finished a rotation in the infectious disease ward, so..." She softly declined, making you scratch the back of your head awkwardly.

"Well, I'll keep my distance," Steve played off the rejection with a light chuckle.

"Hopefully, not too far," She said slyly before turning to walk downstairs. She quickly turned back around as you got the keys out of your backpack. "Oh, and I think you left your stereo on."

"Oh, thank you," Steve said and turned to look at you once she walked away. At that instant, you both heard the 40s music playing for the record player.

"First of all, it seems like she's kinda into you," You started as you stuck the key in the lock. "And secondly, I didn't leave the stereo on. Didn't even touch it."

"You stay here with the groceries. I'll come open the door when the coast is clear," Steve said and set the bags down beside you and quietly retreated down the steps.

Two years ago you would've walked in with the keys in between your knuckles. You don't know why you listened to Steve, he wasn't necessarily Captain right now and you weren't on a mission. But you listened to him. Your gut told you to listen and to trust him.

You waited for all about five minutes before the front door opened and Steve had his shield in his hand. You surveyed him for any injuries before letting the keys fall from your knuckles. You walked in and set the groceries down on the kitchen counter.

You followed him to the living room and leaned against the wall, your arms crossed over your chest.

"I don't remember giving you a key," You said to Fury as he sat comfortably in your favorite chair.

You liked to sit there during the day while reading a book. You get to see Steve as soon as he walks in and he sees you instantly as well. It was a nice way to start the afternoon.

"You really think I'd need one?" He asked, sitting up. "My wife kicked me out."

"Didn't know you were married," Steve spoke up.

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me."

"I know, Nick. That's the problem."

Steve walked over and turned the overhead light on and we both got a good look at the man in front of us. He was bloodied and bruised, an unusual sight.

Fury put up a hand to still us and reached up and turned the lamp that was next to him off.

He typed in his phone before showing us. It read "EARS EVERYWHERE." I looked over at Steve before walking a few steps closer to him.

"I'm sorry I had to do this but I have no place else to crash."

Steve looked around the room, trying to spot anything out of place or abnormal.

Fury typed on his phone again before showing us a new message, "SHIELD COMPROMISED."

"Who else knows about your wife?" You asked and watched Fury stand up, holding his side.

"Just us three," He said and showed us the phone with the exactly same words. "My friends."

"Is that what we are?" Steve asked hostilely.

"That's up to you," Fury said before screaming in pain and buckling to his knees.

Steve dragged his body from the living room to the kitchen and you pulled out your gun from its place in your holster.

You heard Fury cough out "don't trust anyone" as soon as the front door was kicked down and revealed the blonde "nurse" with a gun in her hand.

"Captain Rogers? Agent Y/L/N? I'm Agent 13 of S.H.I.E.L.D. Special Service," She said calmly. "I was assigned to protect you."

You looked back at Steve and gave him a look before turning back to her.

"On whose order?" Steve asked.

"His," She said and got on her knees to check Fury's pulse.

Steve looked at her dumbfounded but you couldn't believe you were right about her.

She spoke into her walkie talkie and you turned to look in the direction the previous bullets came from.

"Tell him I'm in pursuit," Steve said. He walked backward to get a head start before running and jumping through two windows to chase the shooter.

Sharon gave you an address to where Fury would be taken. Some hospital in the middle of the city which made you look at her weird. Fury was way too private to be taken care of at a public facility but you went along with it.

You ran downstairs and to Steve's bike where you knew he'd meet you. You put the gun back and grabbed his helmet (though it was really yours because he never used it). You put it on and secured it as you saw him running to you.He got on the bike and you followed his lead, wrapping your arms around his waist. He wasted no time speeding off when you told him the address.

—

"Tell me about the shooter," You asked of Steve so you could distract yourself from your boss laying on the operation table.

"He's fast. Strong. Had a metal arm."

Maria Hill walked next to you and looked at Fury.

"Ballistics?" You questioned.

"Three slugs, no rifling. Completely untraceable," She answered.

"Soviet-made."

"Yeah," She said shocked and looked over at you before turning back to the operation table.

You watched emotionless as the doctors and nurses tried to revive Fury but to no avail. Emotionless only because you weren't in the room by yourself. You didn't know Fury too well, no one did, but he (and Romanoff) helped you believe that therapy was a valid option and it was okay to go.

Steve was the first to walk out and then Agent Hill. You stood there for a moment to ensure you were completely alone before letting a small tear fall. You let it hit your Iron Man shirt before you wiped the wetness off your cheek and walked out of the room.

You spotted Steve not too far away and looked over at him. You walked over slowly and watched his eyes take you in, looking for any sign of distress. He found the wet spot on your shirt and gave you a sad smile.

"It'll be alright, Y/N," He assured you while looking right in your eyes, relaxing you.

You nodded, "I know, Captain."

"Cap, Y/L/N, they want you back at S.H.I.E.L.D.," You heard Agent Rumlow's voice disturb the moment.

"Yeah give us a second," Steve nodded.

"They want you now."

"Okay," Steve nodded again, this time with more force.

Rumlow walked off and you followed behind him while Steve stayed back. It seemed like he was having trouble with the vending machine but you ignored it and listened to the radios the S.T.R.I.K.E. team had. They wanted to question you and Steve.

The ride to headquarters was quiet. You rested your head on Steve's shoulder and his arm was wrapped around yours, holding onto you tight.

[AN: so this series is gonna be longer than I originally planned but not too much longer. and I’m super sorry this too so long to post, it was my birthday week so I was super busy. I think I’m putting this on hiatus; I don’t feel motivated to write it anymore]

[tags: @thisartemisnevermisses​ @thatoneperson5000​ @capstopavenger​]

[putschki1969]

Keiko SPICE Interview ~ English Translation

Notes: This is an amazing and very insightful interview. I did my best to translate it as quickly as possible. Please enjoy. Keiko is alluding to having a nephew now in addition to her niece. Ahh, that’s great. I know she loves being an auntie. She also mentions a chronic illness. I know she was having issues with her voice ever since late 2015/early 2016 (mild bronchitis) but I didn’t know it was that bad. Kalafina’s busy schedule probably didn’t allow her to fully recover. So glad she was finally able to recover properly. Anyways, let’s get to it! As always, be aware that my Japanese is by no means perfect so take everything with a grain of salt.

Source: https://spice.eplus.jp/articles/270870

In her first public interview since 2 years KEIKO talks about her quest to find music she can imagine herself creating. Regarding her solo debut she shared, “I liked these songs so I wanted to sing them!”

Three-person vocal unit “Kalafina”. KEIKO, one of the three members who created beautiful harmonies together, released her solo debut single  「命の花／Be Yourself」on May 27. After two years I got to interview KEIKO who is finally launching her solo career. She shared her thoughts regarding those two years of silence and how she ended up creating her new songs. She also told me how she felt about her 10 years as part of Kalafina~

The moment when music was no longer present in her life

――It's been such a long time. My last interview with you was back in March 2018.

Wow, has it really been this long...

――On May 27, you released your debut single「命の花／Be Yourself」 as solo artist, what did you do during your hiatus? How did you spend your time until you started working at your new agency? Did you prepare yourself for your solo activities?

No such thing. For me it was a period where I had to come to a full stop in order to get some clear answers for myself.

――Were there any specific things you wanted to try, a new start so to speak, without having to stick to any schedules?

I spent a lot more time in nature and with my family, there were also some days when I helped out my grandmother with her everyday chores. During these days I talked a lot with her and while we were reminiscing about the good old days the topic of kimonos came up, my grandmother is a “kimono instructor”, you know. “You have always loved kimonos, right?” she asked me one day so I ended up trying some of them on with her help. It’s a very special feeling for a girl to have someone put a kimono on for you. I wanted to provide that feelings for other people, especially my little niece and nephew.  Also, I remembered from all of our previous overseas lives that Japanese kimonos are very popular all across the world so I felt a strong determination and decided to go to a Kimono School, "OK, let's go to school!."

――So you really enrolled in a school?

Yes, I went back to school for about half a year.

――Did you get a qualification?

At first I just wanted to take some classes. But as I spent my time there, I realised that wearing a kimono also meant studying a part of Japanese history. I was so absorbed in my studies and then all of a sudden someone suggested, “why don’t you take the exam?” “Eh?” I was slightly taken aback, “should I really do it?” “You definitely should!” It was kinda like that *laughs* So I got my qualifications by sitting in for an exam in front of very sophisticated teachers who asked me lots of questions.

――This was probably refreshing for you, like a switch had been turned off in your mind?

Yes... At that time I felt like I got to experience all the good and bad aspects of my work and I was able to determine the field and scope of my activities all by myself. 

――I thought so.

When I went to Kimono School it was very refreshing to stay anonymous, I was able to put myself in a state where I was a nobody. There was pretty much no one at school who was close to my age in their thirties. There were either very young people who aspired to get a job in the kimono field or refined older ladies who were wearing kimono on a daily basis. But no one in my age-group.  

――It was an environment where you only had seniors and juniors around you but no peers?

Yes. It felt like a natural environment to start from scratch without having anyone around on my level. Jumping into such an environment was a very relaxing experience. 

――In a sense it might have been a refreshing time for you.

Naturally, when you put yourself into an unfamiliar situation, you will treat everything with a lot of respect. You are also starting to reconsider the way you treat the people around yourself, your attitude towards people.

――So it was a time when you were analysing the relationships and distances between yourself and other people? Within all of this, was there also some time you dedicated to music? For example, did you take singing lesson or anything like that?

Some fans may know this but towards the end of our activities my chronic illness had gotten pretty bad to a point where I wasn’t even able to do lives any more. Restoring my health and giving my voice a chance to recover was a major catalyst for me to take a break, that’s why I didn’t do anything music-related for about half a year.

――So you didn’t even take care of your vocals during this time?

Exactly. I took a complete and total break from music. In those moments when I was resting properly, music was no longer a part of my life.

――Music has always been a part of your life, you have dedicated a lot of thought, work and training towards music. In turn I think that music also provided a lot for you. So how was it to be separated from this integral part of your life? Did you maybe feel sad or a sense of loneliness?

I don't recall feeling any of that but my memories are quite blurry and fragmentary. I really don’t remember the time from our final stage greeting at the Toho Cinema Hibiya until around autumn of the same year. Maybe I was too absorbed with jumping into a new environment and resting my body. Even if I look back at that time now and try to remember what I was feelings back then, I can’t really remember anything of what was happening for about half a year. it’s very strange.

――So there was nothing, just a feeling of emptiness?

Yes, a feeling of emptiness. I guess that’s why I was trying to do so many new things, to fill that void.

She continued to search for an answer until she finally found it - a return to Kajiura Yuki

――After all this time you have returned with your solo debut. I wonder, was there a particular moment that had you become active again and which eventually motivated you to work towards your solo debut? 

I remember the moment clearly when I started to be active again, it was actually a very simple thing. I became aware of the voices of our fans who had always supported us, everyone was wondering, “will KEIKO be singing again?”, “How does she feel about music right now?!”

――Yes, everyone was really curious.

Naturally, as my body recovered, my mind and heart became brighter and healthier too. After the end of summer and autumn, my body was in a great state. From then onwards I felt motivated to finally meet up with people in the industry again. I had a chance meeting with Yoda-san* who is now working together with me as my producer. During our initial talks he asked me, "you have sung songs of all kinds of genres in the past but what kind of music it is that KEIKO-chan wants to sing?” I was baffled when he asked me that because for a moment there I had no idea what to answer… [*She is referring to Haruo Yoda who also produces MISIA. She uses UNIVERSOUL999 STUDIO for her recordings.]

――You just froze up?

Yes, for the life of me, I couldn't answer his question. I wondered, "what is it that I want to sing?" I was super shocked because I was clueless. In that moment I knew I couldn’t go on like that, it was like a switch had been turned on in my mind.

――Not being able to answer immediately, that’s unexpected.

I had always been so invested in music, for all this time I had done nothing but pursue music so it was very shocking to realise that I didn’t have an answer for such an important question regarding music. 

――So did you also start to become active again to find that answer?

After that switch had been turned on, I spent every day in the studio. I turned off the lights and listened to music all day every day pretending like I was at a concert venue.

――You spent all your time at the studio?

Yes.

―― Was it like trial and error? I don't know if you can give a specific name but were there any songs or artists that left an impression on you while you were listening to all of that music?

Kajiura-san for sure.

――Oh…….

No matter what I listened to, I always ended up thinking, “no, that’s not it, that’s not what I want to do.” At one point I thought that I just wouldn’t be able to find anything for me and then suddenly there was one of Kajiura-san's OSTs playing in the background. I was like, ‘oh... that's exactly what I was looking for."

――What exactly was that?

It was refreshing to once again realise that Kajiura-san's music is still able to touch my heart. All this time I had been looking for something "new!" After all, in order to start something new you want to find new music, right?

――I guess so.

But once I thought about it carefully, I realised that both the FictionJunction songs as well as the Kalafina songs were incredibly rewarding and worthy, so much fun and engrossing. Without even realising it, I had spent a decade performing these songs. I could do that because I loved the music. I felt like I was once again thrown back to a time when it was just about that simple feeling. That was the answer I ended up with in the final days of 2018.

――You were looking everywhere for the right answer but turns out the answer was right in front where you originally started.

I was kinda going back and forth needlessly, I felt very sorry about that *laughs*. The answer was right there all along *laughs*.

――I am sure that was a very emotional time for you... That's how you ended up appearing at Kajiura-san’s lives again after a very long break, how were those lives for you?

They were a lot of fun! I kept saying, “I am having a blast, I love this so much!” *laughs* Looking back at that time now, I think the biggest change for me was that I felt this immense joy to be back. I think it was because I took such a long break.

――But your heart was never able to let go.

Perhaps so. I think as an adult it takes quite some courage to put a halt to your life like that. But it was absolutely necessary for me to stop for a while.

――It's wonderful that you were able to gain a new sort of awareness during all of this.

Starting a new chapter like this felt really nice because my past and present got connected. And now I see it as my duty to strengthen my body and mind for a long-lasting music career.  

――When I first asked you how it was to perform again after such a long time and you replied with a huge smile, “it was so much fun!”, that felt very refreshing to me, it made me incredibly happy to see you like that. 

Thank you. I guess I am just so excited to be back at Kajiura-san's lives. It was so nice because everyone was there. Kajiura-san, the other singers and the band-members, they were all there. So I think that’s what made me happy. It might have been very different if my comeback had happened under different circumstances, on a different stage.

――There may have been a different kind of nervousness.

I agree. This way it just felt like coming home, a warm and welcoming home. 

Two songs she decided to sing because she fell in love with the melody

――Please tell us about the release of your digital solo debut single, 「命の花 / Be Yourself」. Let’s start with the time when you found out about the release.

I am currently busy with the music production process so it may be best to ask my staff members about all the details regarding the release *laugh*.

――We have someone from the record company with us here today so let’s ask them, shall we? Is there anything strategic about the timing of this digital single release?

Person in charge: We decided to release an album around autumn for her big solo comeback. But we knew that the fans would be very curious about what kind of music they could expect from KEIKO in the future. So to start with, we wanted to do a little greeting by KEIKO and a digital release with two very good songs, 「命の花」and「Be Yourself」. This way we would get the chance to receive some feedback from the fans.

――I see, thank you for your input. Now back to Keiko, I would also like to know your impression when you first heard those two songs?

Doing solo activities is like starting from scratch for me. I am working based on my instincts, my gut-feeling, right now my premise is "if I like a song I want to sing it."

――You want to be able to like and appreciate the songs.

When I heard 「命の花」 for the first time I was immediately blown away, “OMG, I NEED to sing this!” I fell completely in love with the melody. With 「Be Yourself」it was a different way of falling in love. It’s the kind of song I enjoy listening to as a personal hobby. When I want to get hyped or motivated I listen to this sort of song. I shared my impression with the people around me and then we all ended up deciding that I should try singing it and just match my voice to that type of song.  If you think about it, my way of falling in love with 「命の花」and「Be Yourself」was the complete opposite.  

――Yes, you liked both but your approach of liking those songs was totally different.

That's right. Nevertheless, I love both of these songs. For some reason they resonated with me.

――When it comes to 「命の花」you were also in charge of the lyrics, weren’t you? Did you fall so much in love with the melody that you immediately wanted to write the lyrics?

No.

――Eh! ?

Well *laughs*. I haven't studied songwriting and I have never written lyrics before. So despite wanting to sing songs I never thought I could write the lyrics.

――That’s your attitude toward music.

But this time I was asked, "if you feel like it you could try and write the lyrics yourself?” so I said, “okay, I will give it a try.” But if I hadn’t been able to put my own worldview into words I would have probably asked the composer to do it.

――Do you feel like you prioritise the world views of the music when you are writing the lyrics yourself?

First and foremost I think that listening to music should make you feel good. It’s about the placement of words and how you feel a certain atmosphere. I'm not saying that I dislike writing lyrics but depending on each song, I think I would like to decide whether I want to write the lyrics or not.

――So you will not write the lyrics for everything.

I really don’t think so.

――Is it very difficult for you to write lyrics?

I guess because I was so in love with the song I set some really high goals for myself. It took a lot of time. The production period was in January so the cold weather made it even more difficult for me, I was constantly sitting there and sighing into the cold air. “Phew...” *laughs*

――The cold season is perfect to let out heavy sighs *laughs*.

It really wasn’t easy. But I didn’t see it as hardship. The feeling that I really wanted to sing this song was too strong. At the end of the day I managed to write the lyrics thinking that I wanted to sing this song as soon as possible.

――If you can't write proper lyrics you won’t have a song to sing. 

That's right. "I can't sing it right now so I have to deal with this situation!” So that’s how I spent all of January, singing and writing and lots of sighing, trying to put my feelings into words. Lots of trial and error, “no, this doesn’t sound right, no that doesn’t resonate well here,...”

Everything leads to the feeling of "doing music and having fun".

――When I listened to the song I got this really silly impression, I felt like, "this is all so KEIKO-like, bursting with KEIKO-ness."

Why is that? *laughs*

――You put so much thought into your singing, I was able to hear all sorts of colours and sceneries in your voice, a great mixture. So the first thing that came to mind was, "this is all so KEIKO-like" *laughs*

Hahaha! *laughs*

――Overlapping colours, getting glimpses of the shades below, a multicolour structure. How was it when you actually sang the song?

Rather than writing the lyrics first and singing the song afterwards I wrote the song and sang it at the same time. So when I had finally completed the song, it felt like a natural progression.

――It’s not so much about trying to sing something that is already written but more about finding the right words to express the song properly? 

It's difficult to put all of this into words... I wanted to use sharp sounds and vowels in my singing that would emphasise the images emerging from the melody. This is what I struggled with the most. It took me some time to find a balance where the melody and words would match.

――You wanted them to match?

Yes. I think that's because of my activities as a member of Kalafina, my ears are trained in such a way and used to that kind of harmony.

――Probably because you have heard such a wide variety of singing styles, this made you very particular about how things are supposed to sound like.

When the lyrics are written by someone else and the notes and words are fitting nicely together I never thought it would actually be that hard. But from the very first moment I started to work on my song, I really gained an understanding for the difficulty of writing lyrics yourself.

――When you are thinking about that you quickly realise that what composers and songwriters are doing is simply awesome, it’s out of this world.  

I think it's amazing. At the end of the day I am just a newbie so all I can do is a beginner’s work. You have to be aware of yourself and what you can do. That’s something I have learned, you can’t do anything in life unless you are fully aware of your capabilities. The very final vocal recording was a lot of fun though.

――I think it's great that you can do music and have fun at the same time.

That's right! It's so much fun!

――Do the words and themes used in the lyrics reflect some parts of yourself?

Yes, some parts for sure. But... hmmm... it's difficult. This is my first time talking about writing lyrics but I am not really sure how much I am supposed to say? I guess it’s all hidden within the lyrics somewhere, I think everyone should go and look for those parts.

――I guess it all comes down to the individual interpretation, listeners discover the things that they want to hear?

I agree. There are all kinds of people who are doing their very best every day and working hard. I want to create and sing music for those people. I'm most happy when they can listen to my music and find something that resonates with their own lives.

―― Now I would also like so hear a few things about the second song "Be Yourself." It made me feel great to listen to it while going for a run.

Thank you, I am so happy to hear that *laughs*. I have also done some of my workouts and muscle training while listening to “Be Yourself”, it really got me motivated.

――It's such an exhilarating song!

For me it has this particular vibe of youthfulness. We are all at an age now where youth feels quite far away, doesn’t it? *laughs*

――Well, yes... *laughs*

However, the beat and momentum of the song drown out any sort of embarrassment you might feel, there is a kind of overeagerness conveyed. I wanted to sing a song that you can just listen to without having to think or worry about anything, you can just have a great time.

Maybe one could say she is a “Sound Otaku”

――It's been a while since the release. An official Twitter account has also been launched, it’s something you have never done, right? Have you seen some of the fan reactions?

I am seeing them. But for the most part I am busy with making more music at the moment so I am leaving a lot of that work to my staff members. I am very much aware of everyone’s feedback though so thank you!

――How was everyone’s feedback?

As you mentioned earlier, people were just really happy to hear my voice and bothing but my voice in two whole songs. Others said they were really curious to hear more of my music. I was particularly happy to hear everyone’s impressions regarding my singing voice.

――In the future you will most likely release lots of albums and sing your music live at concerts. Have you already thought about the fact that you will be standing alone on stage then? Have you been imagining yourself doing that?

I have already started to research different ways on how to best express my songs with my newly created singing voice. I am doing image training, taking care of my voice and preparing myself for live performances

――What do you mean by expressing the songs?

As I have said earlier, I started to make music again because I really loved the melody so I wanted to add my voice to it. During the production process I spend a lot of time in the studio and I try to find a voice and sound that fits the song perfectly. This period right now is super fun since I am putting everything on the line, I am taking a lot of risks. Depending on the song, my voice and singing style can be completely different.

――That’s quite something. It’s very stoic of you that you can find so much joy in that.

I wonder if stoic is the right word here... I think “otaku” would describe it better.

――So you are a music otaku?

Maybe a sound otaku? *laughs*. Wondering about what kinds of sounds are echoing in the background while listening to a song...Being curious about the base-line... It’s these things I am super interested in. My infatuation with sound (“otomo”) is very strong. The word otomo is probably made up by Kajiura-san *laughs*.

――It’s a good word. A word that accurately describes an infatuation with sounds. I feel like you are even more infatuated than you used to be in the past.

Everyone around me is making the pursuit of my infatuation possible, that’s why I am so determined. I am just really grateful. 

――After listening to everything you have just said right now, I think everyone will feel the need to check out your songs.

I want everyone to listen to them. I think they are both very interesting *laughs*.

――Speaking of which, is there anything particular you would like to share with your fans before they listen to your songs?

Not really. Everyone should freely decide whether they want to listen or not. And they should listen with an open mind. I feel like my motivations, infatuations and interests are very different from what the fans like. If I share all the aspects and points of my songs that I consider special  then fans are very likely to focus on only that.

――Yes, that’s true, if you provide all this information beforehand then people may end up being biased.

I want everyone to enjoy my music with an open mind, without being bound by preconceived notions.

How she currently feels about 10 years of Kalafina

――I would also like to hear your thoughts on Kalafina. Looking back, how do you feel about the 10 years as part of Kalafina?

My 10 years as part of Kalafina, well, yes, they are the reason I can sing now. It’s the binding link of everything, it’s why I can sing now, it’s why I want to sing, it’s the axis of my very existence. That’s what my time in Kalafina means to me.

――Now that you have released your solo debut single in May all three of you have started your solo activities. How do you feel about Hikaru and Wakana's solo activities?

I want them to do their very best and achieve everything that they couldn’t achieve as members of Kalafina. I think that’s the only thing I can say about that...I think there is no point in comparing our solo activities. I just want them to sing with all their might.

――I think for many people Kalafina is still very important. I am assuming there are quite a few fans who yearn to hear Kalafina’s harmony again one day when they listen to all of your solo works.

Our lives as singers is based on that very harmony so I am honestly very happy that many people are still thinking that way. We put all of our heart into Kalafina’s music and activities so to know that everyone wants to hear that harmony again feels like an affirmation of our hard work, it makes me very happy.

――Last but not least, please share a final message for the fans.

In the past I have talked about all kinds of thing with SPICE. I am happy to once again share my thoughts with SPICE now that I am starting out on this new path in my career. My solo activities as KEIKO have just begun, I am really enjoying making music. I am looking forward to the day when I can sing my songs for you, please look forward to that day as well! Thank you for your lifelong support. *laughs*

[ninjanonymous]

I’m pissed off, and sad, and scared, and I have a lot to say right now. This all needs to be said, for my own sake if not for anyone else’s.

Very recently, the Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that employers under the Affordable Care Act are now allowed to roll back access to birth control for their employees, as long as their religion disagrees with it. This ruling was made in the name of religious tyranny, and NOT that of religious freedom. Christian-run businesses can now force their beliefs onto their employees by actively denying them the healthcare that they very much need.

Can you imagine the outrage there would be if SCOTUS decided that it was suddenly okay for a Muslim-run business to break FLSA standards during Ramadan? After all, if a Christian-run business shouldn’t be forced to pay for all ACA-protected aspects of an employee’s healthcare, why should a Muslim-run business have to sacrifice profits when eating lunch during Ramadan is against their religion?

“Oh, but there are federal protections to keep something like that from happening.” Are there? Are there really? The ACA gave employees FEDERALLY PROTECTED access to birth control through their employers, because an employer’s religious beliefs shouldn’t be used to control the freedoms or hurt the wellbeing of others. Now look where we are.

This court ruling essentially dictates that religion can make you exempt from federally-mandated rules for the sake of profit. It puts the employer’s beliefs above the beliefs and wellbeing of their employees. It puts any company’s self-proclaimed God over the law, and allows them to forgo worker protections because, according to them, it’s what Jesus would want.

And where do we draw the line? Should a company that’s run by a Jehovah’s Witness be allowed to deny coverage for a needed blood transfusion? Can a religious company claim that any illness is a righteous punishment from God, and the use of modern medicine to treat it would be sinful? What would that mean for something as devastatingly expensive as cancer treatment? What if the CEO doesn’t agree with vaccines? And really, why even stop at access to healthcare when there are any number of ways that a company could encroach on their worker’s rights in the name of God?

Too many people in this country are entirely dependent on their employers for their health insurance. Healthcare costs in America are the highest in the western world by far, and life-saving treatment is often prohibitively expensive without it. This SCOTUS decision may ultimately deny many Americans their constitutional right to life.

Employers pay private insurance companies to provide care for their employees. This is a blanket expense. They don’t get an itemized bill for the healthcare that they’re covering. They’re paying for general healthcare coverage to be provided by insurance company, and that’s it. The employers are not the insurance companies themselves. They are not the ones processing the claims and choosing which to deny and which to cover. Your medical record is private, protected information. Your employer does not have access to that information under HIPAA. If your employer isn’t allowed in the room with you during your doctor’s appointment, they absolutely shouldn’t be allowed to pick and choose what care you can and can’t receive.

These companies are literally just saying, “see that person right there? I don’t like that they’re on birth control, because I’M a Christian, and that’s against MY beliefs, so now THEY can’t have it.” A Christian forcing their beliefs onto someone else isn’t religious freedom, just like a Muslim forcing their beliefs onto a Christian wouldn’t be. This is religious tyranny the and Christian-backed persecution of women.

And for this specific ruling, it really is that arbitrary. This ruling is a poorly-disguised move to further strip away the rights of women in the name of Abrahamic theocracy. The idea that this decision would save money for these employers is completely asinine, considering good reproductive healthcare and access to birth control reduces long-term costs overall (I will be adding the stats and sources to back this up in a later post).

And here’s an important reminder for you all: reproductive healthcare is still basic healthcare. Taking care of one’s needs regarding their reproductive system benefits their overall health. And even if you disagree with me there, “birth control” is a pretty damn big misnomer. While it is commonly used to prevent unwanted pregnancies, there are a myriad of other reasons that a woman might need it for.

Birth control can control hormonal acne. My own mother was put on it for this reason back when she was a teenager.

It can be used to help regulate one’s mood. A dear friend of mine is on it for this reason. She suffers from severe depression, occasionally to the point of suicidal ideation. I am fucking terrified about what this court decision could mean for her.

It reduces one’s chances of getting uterine cancer. I have a family history of uterine cancer, and it can be hard to detect. They only found it in my grandmother by chance when they were performing an unrelated surgery.

It reduces your chances of forming ovarian cysts. Women with PCOS often suffer from these, and they can be quite painful. My mother had to have a football-sized ovarian cyst removed from her abdomen, and histology found that it contained pre-cancerous cells.

It can relieve symptoms of PMS and PMDD. Again, this is a form of hormonal mood regulation, as well as a means of controlling many of the unfortunate physical side effects of the menstrual cycle. PMS and PMDD are often topics of ridicule, but their symptoms can have a serious negative impact on one’s day-to-day life. I’ll add more information on this later, since there’s a lot to cover.

It can help regulate one’s menstrual cycle. For reasons I shouldn’t have to explain, knowing when blood and viscera is going to start pouring out of your crotch really helps with being prepared to deal with it. It also helps to avoid really embarrassing situations in public, or the need to clean bloodstains out of clothes and furniture. Irregular periods are a gruesome guessing game. I’ve been there. I don’t want to go back.

It can make your periods less painful. Periods happen when, once a month, the uterus sheds its inner lining. As in, the person having their period is bleeding internally, because one of their organs is shredding and expelling parts of itself from the inside. That shit hurts. Many women have reported vomiting or passing out from period pain. For me, the average period cramp can be compared to really bad gas or diarrhea pain. You know, the kind that has you breaking out into cold sweats on the toilet while you silently beg for mercy to any god that might be listening. Fun, right? I’d recon my pain level is about the average, too.

It can be used to manage menstrual migraines. Did you know some women get migraines in conjunction with their periods? Migraines are debilitating. Imagine having them chronically, getting them frequently around the same time every month, then being denied affordable access to the one medicine that was keeping it in check because your asshole boss says that Jesus wants you to suffer. Bonus points if you get fired because the migraines had a negative impact on your ability to work.

It can reduce your risk of anemia. Some women get really heavy periods. Like, crazy heavy, to the point where they bleed so much that it’s unhealthy. Technically speaking, I fall into this camp. I’d hemorrhage to the point of needing a transfusion if I went long enough without birth control. Gee, I sure hope the insurance-throttling company that I work for isn’t run by a Jehovah’s Witness.

Birth control is the only non-invasive way to control uterine fibroids, which often go hand-in-hand with endometriosis. These are non-cancerous growths within or around the uterus can cause uncontrolled bleeding, and may be quite painful in and of themselves. A ridiculously high number of women have this, myself included. Most women that have them have no or very few symptoms. I was not so lucky.

And that’s just a few of birth control’s many uses. And actually, let me talk about my fibroids some more for a second, just so you all have a better idea of what it means to live with this shit. TMI time. I take birth control. I’ve been taking it regularly for about five years now. I’ve never had sex before, and I don’t plan on it any time soon. This is the one and only reason I’m on the pill.

Five years ago, during my freshman year of college, I started bleeding out of the blue. Really, really badly. This “spotting” was sudden, and heavy, and unrelenting. I’d completely bleed through a super tampon in less than two hours, when one of those would last a good eight hours on my heaviest day during a normal period. I had to sleep with towels on the bed, and set an alarm to wake up early so I could take deal with the shed blood before it got too bad, and to give myself extra time for cleanup before classes. After going from horizontal to vertical for the first time in several hours, getting to the bathroom was a race against time and gravity.

I lived like this for a full month. Tampons and pads, for those of you that have had the privilege of never needing to buy them, can get really pricey. Doubly so for a broke college student, triply so when they need to be extra-large packs containing extra-large products, and quadruple-y so when that broke college student is still managing to bleed through those products at an absurd rate. And, it hurt. The pain was worse than usual; the camps were sharper, more persistent, and sometimes it felt like someone was jabbing a big needle into my abdomen and twisting it around. I was taking OTC painkillers constantly, and they barely made a dent in the pain.

The bleeding started just over a week after my last period had ended, so it was way too early for it to be my next cycle. I figured that maybe my cycle was syncing up to my roommate, or some other chick on my floor had some weird hormonal imbalance, and the outside interference from other people’s hormones was screwing with me enough to make my own body act weird. I figured I’d just have to wait out this one bad period, and everything would settle back down to normal. But, two weeks passed and absolutely nothing changed. The bleeding wasn’t slowing down, and I started to get worried that it wasn’t just an abnormal period. I waited a couple more days, then booked an appointment at the health center. It was more than a week until they could see me.

The consensus was fibroids. They couldn’t give me an official diagnosis without an ultrasound, but all signs pointed to that one conclusion. They said that the only way to make the bleeding stop was by taking birth control. I wasn’t happy about it, since my mom had me convinced that birth control would actually increase my risk of cancer (not true, as I later found out), but I agreed anyway. The nightmare was over a few days later.

So, off topic but still related, I had surgery on my foot a couple months ago. It had to be immobilized for a while, and I was put on blood thinners to prevent any clots from forming while I recovered. Birth control pills can actually increase the risk of blood clots, so I made the choice to hold off on taking those for a while, just as an added precaution. Sure enough, only five days later, the bleeding and the pain was back. Again, it had been only a week since my last period.

I still need to be on birth control. It is a medical necessity for me. My fibroids are still around, and I’ll still spot and cramp up if I miss a pill. I’ve recently been told by my doctor that a permanent fix, and my only other option for treatment, is a hysterectomy. I am 22 years old. Most surgeons would never dream about performing that procedure on me, even if it didn’t already come with its own health risks.

And hell, even if it is used just to prevent pregnancies, what gives someone else the right to deny a woman her bodily autonomy? Human beings are sexual creatures. They’re going to fuck, regardless of whatever laws or religious doctrines are involved. We are quite literally built to have sex, and it’s entirely healthy to do so. There are plenty of peer-reviewed studies that go into detail on the matter; just hop onto Google Scholar and see for yourself. And, maybe, preventing pregnancy is a need in and of itself. What if a woman has a condition that would make pregnancy extremely high-risk? Is she not justified in taking birth control to protect herself from grievous injury? If she’s married to a man, does that married couple not have a right to sleep together without fear of one of them literally dying for it? Even by Christian standards, it doesn’t seem right.

This decision that the Supreme Court has made is utterly shameful, and countless law-abiding American citizens will now be denied access to needed care that they otherwise couldn’t afford without insurance coverage. This is truly a loss for America and her people, and one that will cause suffering for decades to come.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #297

“crushed, damned, and broken; lost, sick, and left unspoken.”

When was the last time you did clay work/pottery? Not since high school when I made an anatomically correct heart. Do you like art, hate it or just not mind it? I adore it. Is crime a big problem in your area? Oh yes. What's the scariest story/urban legend/creepypasta etc you heard? Maaaan, as a cryptic fanatic, that's hard. Maybe the Rake. What personality trait does nearly everyone in your family seem to have? We're some resilient motherfuckers. What is your favorite soda? Well, it's technically strawberry Sunkist, but I do NOT let myself have it because I will fucking chug it and binge on them if available to me. So, I just consider Mountain Dew Voltage my fave. When you're on the beach, do you throw beached sea creatures back? I've never even seen a beached animal. I would, though. Have you ever thrown food at someone? Yeah, small food fights as a kid or joking with a friend. Have you ever been to a bonfire? Yeah. Do you like orangutans? I love them; such fascinating, enchanting animals that act more human than people half the time. When you see a bug flipped on his back, what do you do? It depends on what it is, but I usually try to help it. Is cereal good? Yeah, I love cereal. Do you like spaghetti? Love it. It was my favorite food as a kid. Is there any kind of weapon in your bedroom? No. Do you like snow globes? I love 'em! Be honest, did Fifty Shades of Grey arouse you in any way? I didn't read it and never will. What does your sibling(s) call you? "Britt" or "(little/big) sister." Do you have any close friends that are the opposite sex that your significant other dislikes? N/A Do you honestly believe everything happens for a reason? Why or why not? Nope, because I want you to explain to me why a child dies of cancer. Why the 11-year-old was raped and forced to bear the child. Why a partner is beaten to death by their s/o, etc. etc. Things just... happen. Do you believe in reincarnation? Why or why not? No, mostly; I DO kinda wonder about it, I just find it unlikely. It would be kinda poetic, though: being given the chance to experience so many unique things. But, I kinda want a conclusion to my mortal life. The Hunger Games or The Maze Runner? I read the first HG and loved it; I started the latter novel while I was in the psych hospital for a while, but I never finished it or got that far in. It did sound pretty good, though. Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? Well, they believe(d) in tarot readings; does that count? Idk. Did/do you believe them? I wouldn't. Is anything annoying you right now? "Annoyed" is a fucking understatement when it comes to what transpired at the capitol a few days back. Have you ever been ice-skating? No. Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? It can, depending on how heavy it is. Have you ever seen an albino person, in person? Albino, no, but I knew a guy and his sister in high school who had vitiligo. Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? Yeah, at the ER and hospital. Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? I don't believe so. What would you say is your strongest felt emotion right now? Rage. I'm not over "the event." I'm just tired of humanity. Are you talking to anyone at the moment? No. Do you have trust issues? Oh yes. Have you ever found an arrow head? No. Who is with you? My mom's home. What can you not stop thinking about? *points upwards* Then there's Jason because PTSD, that's very normal. Do you forgive easily? I forgive very easily, honestly. In what part of your life so far, have you learned the most about yourself? 2017, when recovery began. I think... or maybe 2018, idk. I've truly come to discover myself quite a lot the past few years. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. Are your ears pierced? Yeah: my earlobes twice, and then my right tragus has a stud. I want to get my others back... I had to take them all out in the psych hospital, and a lot of my piercings closed up. The only one I don't wanna re-do is my anti-tragus, because mine was *always* inflammed and aggravated. What did you last say out loud? "Okay" to Mom. What are you waiting on? Right now, an opportunity to go to the parlor I'm getting my tat tidied up at to get a price range on it. They just need to be open while we're out of the house. Do you tell people when they get on your nerves? Not really. Are your feelings hurt easily? Yep. What's the most expensive piece of clothing you have? Did you buy it yourself? I dunno... I very rarely get new clothes, nevermind expensive ones. Who is your closest platonic friend of the opposite sex? His nickname is Girt. He's been my best male friend since high school; we even hang out sometimes, but it's been a long while. How do you think your first relationship shaped who you are as a partner now? As a partner, it taught me to not fall head over heels and love more realistically and in a healthy fashion. I don't put my faith solely into them, but myself, too. I also accept "forever" is not always true just because they promise it. Who is your favorite protagonist of the same sex? Oh god, this is hard. I suppose maybe Tyrande Whisperwind from WoW. I love her dedication to her people and that her story has become more interesting in her finally "breaking." I could list so, so many "faves," tbh. Were you popular in high school? What was your reputation like? No; I was just the average teen. Have you always known your sexual orientation or did something happen to make you realize it? Somethings happened. There were a lot of hints building up before I even began to consider the possibility, but a daydream solidified it as fact. What was the hardest part of your last break up? Realizing I still wasn't "ready" or "fit" for a successful relationship. What brought you out of the hardest period in your life? As strange as it sounds, my suicide attempt put it into action. I was obviously hospitalized for a while, and then I was brought into a month-long partial hospitalization program that has a fucking genius psychiatrist, and I also had daily therapy as long as school days during the week. It was the intense help I needed. What's your favorite kind of smiley face? (: Does anybody know your deepest darkest secret? My old therapist and maybe my mom; I can't remember if I told her. Did you ever watch Rugrats? (the babies) I LOVED that show! I even had two of the video games. What about Hey Arnold? Ugh, I hated it, but I think my little sister did, or we just watched it if we couldn't find anything else. Do you like pep rallies? NO. NO. NO. My teachers always understood that they really stoked my anxiety and allowed me to opt out of going. I'd just stay in the classroom and read or something. Have you ever had pneumonia? No. What do you feel about surgeries? Do they worry you? I fear anesthesia awareness, but not to a debilitating degree or anything that makes me panic beforehand or anything like that. Do you play Minecraft? if so, feelings about servers? Never have, and not interested. Do you read creepypastas? Nah. Do you think vlogging in public is scary? It seems awkward as FUCK to me. Even alone. Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? No. What social class would you say you're in? I think we're actually near the poverty line (or were, idk anymore, Mom slipped it before), so definitely lower. Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? No. How do you feel about guns? They scare me. What's the most traumatizing event that ever happened to you? A very abrupt and poorly-executed breakup while being madly in love to the point of obsession with the person. Are you faint to the sight of blood? No. Do you like spicy food? Yes. Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? Well, considering I was woken up by myself shrieking my lungs out this morning, guess. It seemed for a little bit that my nightmares were chilling out, but I guess not. When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? Does my mother telling me I'm saying too many "f-bombs" count? I dunno otherwise. What’s your second favorite color? Maroon. Do you ever wish you lived in a different country? Hey Canada, mind adopting me? Who’s the last person you “pounded” fists with? Ha, I think my nephew. Have you ever been involved in an affair? No. Wait, maybe? Does the Joel thing count? We never even physically met each other, we were just being idiot kids flirting over text messages. You be the judge, ig. How many times a week do you speak to your boss? I don’t have a job. What do you want for your birthday? Just donate to my tattoo fund lmao. Having to get my laptop fixed fucked up my plans yet again... Have you ever been to a masquerade? No. Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? A handful, yeah. Who in your phone has a heart after their name? Just Sara does. Anything you’re avoiding? Always. After breaking up, what’s the worst? Letting go if you're the one who still has feelings. Does your sibling have a significant other? I don't know if my brother does, or the half-sister I've never met. Another sister is engaged, and two are married. Nicole is single, though. She's smart as hell about who she dates; she's probably pickier than me. Do you use Skype? Just to talk with Sara. Are you a fan of acrylic nails? I wouldn't wear them, but they look fine on some people. Except when they're square shaped. Name one happy song that describes you better than any other. "Get Up" by Mother Mother comes to me first. Name one sad/mellow song that describes you better than any other. Haha I connect with a lot of sad songs and would honestly rather not dig through 'em right now. What is your most used pick up line? None, they're all awful. Do you like the taste of alcohol? Noooooo no no. The only alcoholic drinks I like are very weak and sweet. What kinds of food make you sick? So this probably sounds so stupid, but "fancy" foods, like stuff with a lot of ingredients my body isn't used to, I guess. My stomach is very finicky with foods, so it's easy to make this list.

[niccirobertson]

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve made a concerted effort to distance myself from just about every news feed and platform that has nothing better to do than report the latest covid statistics. The reason for this is quite honestly, like many people I have had enough. Despite my best efforts, the media bombardment is so pervasive that an update got through, and instead of deleting it, I did the math.

In South Africa at the time of receiving that update there were supposedly 1 039 161 positive cases counted, with 20 033 deaths. I am no maths genius but it wasn’t a stretch to figure out that this was around 2%. I then looked for the data for the United States which is also around 2% and the UK which is around 3%. On average this virus has a mortality rate of 2.5% with the majority of those deaths affecting the elderly and those with pre-existing conditions, otherwise known as co-morbidities. Except that the data reflected is questionable. 


When you sift through the conspiracy theories and start talking to credible professionals in the medical industry you begin to see a pattern emerging. Looking at the data of years gone by, pneumonia and flu viruses year on year have also resulted in between a 1% and 2% death rate. So why the hysteria? 


According to the WHO: A pandemic is defined as “an epidemic occurring worldwide, or over a very wide area, crossing international boundaries and usually affecting a large number of people”. The classical definition includes nothing about population immunity, virology or disease severity. By this definition, pandemics can be said to occur annually in each of the temperate southern and northern hemispheres, given that seasonal epidemics cross international boundaries and affect a large number of people. This happens every year but the world doesn’t come to a grinding halt because of it. 


According to the British Medical Journal the PCR test is inaccurate, picking up dead and ineffective virus particles that may be found on most people, most of the time. It states that the PCR test, never designed for this kind of testing has an error margin of 97%. That’s insanity no matter how you want to spin it. If the widely accepted method for determining whether or not a person is infected is fundamentally flawed, the resulting data is completely inaccurate. 

Added to which, the death statistics are also questionable. They do not define who died because of the virus or with the virus. For example, a colleague’s mother passed away from pancreatic cancer in July, yet the death certificate states covid19 as cause of death. This is not an isolated incident. 

The World Health Organisation guidelines state that “COVID-19 should be recorded on the medical certificate of cause of death for ALL decedents where the disease, or is assumed to have caused, or contributed to death, i.e. COVID-19 is the underlying cause of death”. This means no one really knows how many have died directly from a covid infection.
The Centre for Evidence-Based Medicine has shown that one in thirteen (7.8%) deaths with COVID-19 on the death certificate did not have the disease as the underlying cause of death, further distorting the data. 

The decisions directly related to our lives and livelihoods are based on inaccurate or distorted data and no one is doing anything about it. 

Enough about the deliberate distortion of the facts. The question is why is this happening?
There is a frenetic urgency to get the world vaccinated. Bill Gates began pushing the vaccination agenda way back in 2013 if not earlier. And naturally people, at least people who can still think for themselves are extremely wary of this vaccine. At the time of writing this, the vaccine has only been available for a couple of weeks, and in this short window the significant adverse effects in those already having received the vaccination is 3% based on recent published information. Higher than the death rate of the virus. If you were to go by statistics alone, the vaccine will kill more people than the virus. 

The pharmaceutical companies and their stakeholders are naturally elated that the powers that be are enforcing and coercing people into having to accept this vaccine, creating the illusion that their freedom lies on the other side of a needle. And further perpetuating the myth that drugs are going to save you. Bearing in mind that the manufacturers of this technology are free of any kind of liability arising from death or damage caused by a substance that is being trialed simultaneously on millions of people. In simple terms, if the vaccine harms you or renders you infertile you have no recourse. 

Recently a second strain of the virus has emerged, This is nothing new - viruses mutate. This is why there is a different flu strain each season. It has been a year since the first strain emerged and as viruses seem to be excellent timekeepers, its right on schedule for an upgrade. This is further going to throw a spanner into the vaccine works. Will the current vaccine work with the new strain or create other complications? If people have indeed contracted the original virus, will taking the vaccine have immune suppressing effects rendering them more vulnerable to other strains? Pregnant women and women of “child bearing age” have been warned by the NHS  not to take the vaccine because it may render them sterile or have deleterious effects on the foetus. But its ok to give this unknown quantity to the elderly or your child? I think not. 

What happened to freedom of choice? What happened to autonomy? What happened to informed consent? What happened to common sense? 
For me personally, the most disturbing part of this experience is how people I thought of as free thinking, intelligent individuals are simply kowtowing, going with the flow because they don’t want to be seen as outliers. It baffles me how so many people are afraid of voicing an opinion. It wasn’t so long ago that the Nazis used this kind of brainwashing and propaganda to commit genocide. And we are going down this path again with our eyes wide open. 


Back in early 2020 governments the world over were advised by the WHO to impose widespread lockdown measures in order to curb the spread of the virus. The media were so distracted with whether or not the virus came from a bat or a pangolin that no one thought to ask if these counter measures at controlling people was the best option for the economies of the world in the first place. No one gave any thought to the destruction that would ensue. How many people would lose their jobs, livelihoods and minds in the process. Because we trusted the people we vote for to do what is in our best interest.


The second-largest funder of the WHO is the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which provides 9.8% of the WHO’s funds, effectively calling the shots! After Trump pulled funding, The World Health Organisation is now effectively owned by Microsoft and China. Bloody terrifying thought that is!


It is now too late to put the genie back in the bottle. For governments to admit that they acted without a full understanding of the facts or unable to foresee the chaos and destruction that would ensue, going back and admitting they were wrong will result in chaos, crippling class actions and people in power being forced to step down. There will be anarchy. Confidence in governments the world over has been severely compromised not to mention the unstable public option of giant pharmaceutical companies. 

The puppet masters at the WHO (Gates) is also a major shareholder in Pfizer. Incidentally the Gates foundation funded the development of the Pfizer owned sterilisation contraceptive Sayana, targeting specifically third world countries. At the risk of joining the ranks of the conspiracy theorists, it seems that the company who gave birth to computer viruses has also given birth to a means of enforced sterilisation. 

Getting rid of the elderly and ill, controlling those who are young and able though fear and ensuring that those who can have children are stopped in their tracks. The facts really do speak for themselves, but you can connect the dots?

Perhaps people do nothing and say nothing because they feel that their opinions don’t count? They they won’t be heard amongst the noise created by the media and the hysteria? People don’t speak up because they are afraid of what there peers may think of them. And this is why the greatest tragedies throughout human history happen. People who do nothing. People who say nothing. In the face of glaring evidence that the emperor is wearing no clothes, the average person waits for someone else to take action.  We are in a mess and in the hands of people who do not have anyones best interest at heart except for themselves and their own agendas. 


So what good can possibly come from this situation? Thankfully some have realised that their health is in their own hands and no one can save them except for themselves. If you take the steps to stay healthy - eat real food, get decent sleep, surround yourself with positive people and exercise - preferably in the sunlight, chances are you won’t even know if you catch a virus because your body is innately geared towards protecting you from getting seriously ill.


It has hopefully brought to light the logical realisation that if you aren’t feeling well, stay at home. Wash your hands and don’t sneeze on people.


With luck, more of us will wake up and realise that no vaccine or drug can save you from bad decisions. Giant corporations are not creating vaccines because they care about you, they care about their profits. If they engineered medicine for altruistic purposes they would be non-profits not multibillion dollar organisations. And perhaps more people will realise that governments and government institutions are controlled by the private sector who are the giants they are, because we, the public created them. 

We buy their products, whether the product is software, insurance, junk food or drugs. We created these organisations who are controlling the governments who are controlling us - with fear.  With hope more people we will start to see the self perpetuating, destructive cycle that we have come to think of as normal, or maybe not.


My greatest wish for you in 2021 who ever you are, wherever you are, is to wake up and take responsibility for you own health, your own choices and your own autonomy. Speak up when something doesn’t add up and stop feeding the fear.


https://www.bmj.com/content/371/bmj.m4916

https://www.icd10monitor.com/false-positives-in-pcr-tests-for-covid-19

https://www.chiropractic.org/informed-consent-and-freedom-of-choice-on-vaccination-issues/
https://www.cebm.net/covid-19/death-certificate-data-covid-19-as-the-underlying-cause-of-death/

https://sif.gatesfoundation.org/investments/pfizer/

https://www.devex.com/news/big-concerns-over-gates-foundation-s-potential-to-become-largest-who-donor-97377