#I really think age is a huge factor in that mentality

[gemmasdeadwife]

I feel kind of bad about doing something so petty, but each time I block a shipbrained weirdo, I feel a little lighter. And I think this will make my experience a lot better overall. I wasn’t caught up on the show until Chikhai Bardo, which is when I finally got online about it. And I’ve loved speculating about what might happen and discussing interpretations of various details and things like that, but honestly the shippers are also ruining it a little bit for me, to the point that I’m starting to feel hints of bitterness toward characters I love and relationships I’m invested in. Solely because of the dismissive, reductive, and bizarrely competitive attitudes I see shippers take toward the characters outside of their ship, and also tbh the objectification of the characters within their ship, and the horniness for the most toxic, psychologically damaging possible versions of the ship & characters. So this is the policy now. If your weird aggressive post makes me feel a streak of resentment toward a beautifully written character, well then so long, friend

[restinslices]

Everything

PJO Show Ares x Child!Reader (no gender specified)

Word count: 2459

Summary: Ares supposedly hates kids, so it’s really strange that he comes when you call. (Do not let the summary fool you, this is not fluff. Based on a dream I had a couple days ago. Warning for possible ooc Ares and brief mentions of abuse. Blink and you’ll miss it type shit)

“I don't wanna say”, Grover fingers fidgeted with each other as he purposefully avoided eye contact with you. 

“We're friends, right?”

“Of course!”

“Then you have to tell me! You spoke to my father, I gotta know what he said! What was he like? I bet he was really cool! Man, I wish I could've been there and talked to him”, you looked down at your shoes and added more misery to your face than was necessary. It was extremely childish and petty but Grover kept refusing to tell you what your father Ares was like. You had to know though. You doubted he brought you up, but you still wanted to know what he said and what he was like when he was just out and about. Grover had the opportunity to have a long talk with him and that was something you'd kill and suffer for. 

“I doubt you'd wanna do that” he mumbled, but you heard him. 

“Why'd you say that?” You asked. 

Grover refused to expound on what he meant… at first. 

Everyone knew Grover couldn't hold water so it didn't take too much prodding before he spilled his guts. 

The memory replayed in your head more than you'd like to admit, and if it were up to you, you'd no longer be a half blood. 

It made you feel pathetic. Tons of gods- no. All the gods were shitty parents. After all, they had children with mortals and left the children on Earth, knowing they'd be hunted down. Plenty of half bloods died in a gruesome painful way and at a young age. Plenty of gods never claimed their children, even if they made it to Camp Half Blood. But Ares did claim you, so you assumed that that meant he cared for you in some way. He even gifted you with a double sided sword. Surely, he must've loved you. 

You were foolish and you hated how foolish you were. You should've known he didn't care. He left you here with mortals and watched as your home life got worse and worse which was due to multiple factors including a piss poor mother and step family, the aura children of Ares give off that makes people around them experience rage and of course the random monster attacks that your family blamed you for. It was as if they thought you begged Ares to be his child. As if you'd ever do something as stupid as that. 

The rain soaked through your hood, making your hair all wet and gross. You were an idiot. You tried coming home for the school year, thinking maybe your family changed. They said they did. They tended to lie a lot though. You got into a huge fight and stormed out and you were in such a hurry that you completely forgot to grab your pouch full of drachmas and you didn't wanna step another foot in that house. So now here you were, outside with freezing cold hands that couldn't be warmed because your hoodie was soaking and you couldn't call Chiron. Perfect.

You checked your pockets once again, hoping to find something other than the lighter and fruit roll up that was there but alas, nothing magically appeared. You held the two objects in your hand and an idea formed in your mind. 

You could always set the fruit roll up on fire as an offering. You could pray to your father and hope he hears you and sends you something to help. 

No. That's incredibly stupid. Could you even light a fruit roll up on fire? It didn't matter. Not only was that the stupidest offering ever but you refused to pray to him. You'd rather sleep out in the rain then sneak inside when your family was gone to get your shit. 

You put the two objects in your pocket and let your head rest on your knees, exhaustion hitting. It wasn't even physical exhaustion. It was all mental and emotional. Like a leech was sucking on you constantly. Or a vampire. You'd prefer that. At least you'd die quicker. 

The hum of a motorcycle filled your ears, getting closer and closer. Best case scenario, it was a neighbor. Worst case scenario, it was a murderer. Honestly, you'd welcome both. 

The hum stopped and a familiar voice made you look up, “rough night”. 

It was him. Ares. God of war. Father to who knew how many. It was someone you definitely did not want to see… or so you thought. Part of you absolutely despised him now and everything to do with him and wanted to rip him apart. The other part of you though still felt an immense amount of joy when you saw him and you wanted to cling to him like a child clings to its favorite toy. If you were alone, you would've screamed. 

Then a thought crossed your mind. You didn't burn anything. You didn't make an offering. 

“You were going to” he said, seeming to read your mind. 

“Why are you here?” you managed to get out after some time of just staring at him. 

“Why do you think I'm here?” he asked and you could tell by his tone he meant it sarcastically. Like “the reason is so obvious. Stop being stupid”. 

Something about that sarcastic and irritated tone made you think back to what Grover told you. 

“Why don't you like me?” You asked and you hadn't meant to. It was supposed to stay in your head. 

He squinted his eyes at you and looked you up and down, “what?”. 

You could've let it go. You could've said nevermind, thanked him and let him help. You couldn't though. You didn't know when you'd have this chance again (the camp visited them but damn, there was a lot of you) and if you did something to make him not like you, you wanted to fix it. But that wasn't your job, right? Parents are supposed to care for their kids. 

You did that a lot. Your mind juggled opposite thoughts and it drove you insane. This was just the latest bit of juggling you'd been doing. 

“Grover said he spoke to you-”

“Who is Grover?”

“Percy's friend. The satyr”. A look of anger flashed in his eyes. You knew he remembered Percy. You didn't give him time to start yelling about the 12 year old that beat him in a fight. “Grover said that he spoke to you. I asked what it was like and he said that you said that you hate kids. Even your own. And when we visit, it's the worst day of the year. So, I was just wondering why you don't like me. Is it something I've done?”. 

Ares just rolled his eyes and sighed, “you're taking that personal?”. 

“It's kinda hard not to”. 

“I came to take you back to camp, not talk about whatever crisis you're having right now”. 

You didn't know if you were angry because of what he said, or because of his effect on others. Either way, blood started rushing to your head. “I'm not asking for a lot. I'm asking for an answer. A simple answer. Why don't you like me?”

“I don't like any of my kids”

“And that makes it better?” You asked in disbelief. Ares just stared at you, emotion void on his face. 

“Why do you do this? You keep having kids even though you hate them. Why?”. 

“It's not that simple and I don't have to explain anything to you”. You wished he'd show emotion. Any sliver of it. He was too calm, too numb. You'd prefer him yelling at you but nothing seemed to phase him. He was talking to you the same way you'd talk to a toddler. 

“It is incredibly simple. Just stop having sex with mortals. You already have Aphrodite -who is a married woman but whatever-” you rushed the last part. You didn't particularly care for the affairs between the gods. “How could your eyes possibly wander?”. 

Seeing him show a sliver of anger when you mentioned Aphrodite only filled you with more rage. That’s what angered him? That’s what got emotion out of him? “Really? That's what gets you? What about me being drenched?”

“You chose to come out here” he said through gritted teeth. If you knew Aphrodite was the key to him showing any piece of human emotion, you would've brought her up earlier. 

“I didn't choose this!” Your voice rose, “I didn't choose to be abandoned by my father and be stuck with a dysfunctional family for the rest of my life. You should be angry at that, not me mentioning Aphrodite. You should be enraged at the thought of anyone putting their hands on me and your hands should be covered in their blood! That is how it should be”. 

“Believe it or not the gods aren't too keen on the idea of killing mortals”

“But turning them into various objects and ruining their lives when it's a boring Tuesday is ok?”. His face went back to being blank and emotionless and your plan to stop talking was scrapped. You weren't even sure what you wanted. You wanted him to show something besides anger. Sadness? Regret maybe? Just something to show that maybe, just maybe, he cared deep down and regretted leaving you. 

“None of us asked for this. You all just decide to create and leave us. And you hating the people you created is… I don't know. And it's so stupid that I've spent years of my life trying to get you to be proud of me, only for it to be impossible!”. 

“I claimed you didn't I?” he defended himself, but you scoffed. 

“That's the bare minimum dad! That's like saying your kids should be grateful because you feed them!” You were full on screaming by now and you wouldn't have been surprised if a neighbor came out to see what the fuss was about. “I don't even know why I'm having this conversation with you. You probably hate being called 'dad’ and you don't care. You're never gonna get it”

“I try everyday to make you see me and you do everything in your power to not see me. To not see any of us. I would work myself to death for you. I would betray anyone close to me for you. If you asked me to burn down the world for you, I would. If you asked me to extinguish the sun, I'd find a way to because to me… to me you were everything. You are everything”. 

You couldn't tell if your face was wet from the rain, or from tears of sorrow and anger. It could've been both. Your eyes certainly stung and you hated it. You knew you had every right to be frustrated, but you hated how weak it made you feel. The children of Ares weren't supposed to cry. They were supposed to be headstrong and fight their enemies. They were supposed to be fierce warriors capable of bringing armies down to their knees. They were meant to shed blood, not tears. 

You thought for a second you saw an emotion cross his face. You couldn't pinpoint it though. It happened too fast and there was a good chance you were imagining things. 

“You can go. I'd rather sleep in the rain. I wouldn't wanna be even more of a burden” you spat with such venom you didn't know it was possible. Sure, you could have a bit of a temper but this felt different. It wasn't just anger or annoyance. There was a mix of grieving. 

It went silent for awhile, and the adrenaline you felt slowly went down. Reality started to sink in. You just yelled at a god. People who were known to cause destruction for something as small as “I think my shoes are better than yours”. 

“Are you gonna curse me? Or, I don't know, strangle me with my own shoe laces?”. Ares reached into his pocket and you looked away and closed your eyes. You expected to feel a burning sensation. That's what you assumed being cursed was like. A burning sensation and then you'd lose a limb or something. 

All you felt was something land on your lap. You looked down and saw a red pouch with gold string keeping it closed. You looked up at him, but he didn't say anything. You untied the string and opened the pouch and inside laid a pile of drachmas. 

Now he spoke, “call Chiron or whoever else works at that camp. Don't die out here”. 

“You're leaving?” You asked. You didn't know why you were disappointed. You should've been happy. After all, you just went off on him about how shit he was. 

“I have a busy schedule”. You wanted to ask if he'd be seeing the married woman he slept with or another unfortunate mortal, but you figured you pushed your luck enough today. 

“Thanks uhh…” you debated on calling him dad but instead you called him by his name. “Ares”. Then you remembered some gods could be particularly upset when you used their name. “God of war and all those other honorifics”. 

“Yeah” was all he said before he sped off, leaving you alone once again. You didn't know what he was saying “yeah” to but you didn't have enough time to ask and he probably wouldn't even answer. 

You called Chiron and asked to be brought back to camp but you didn't tell him about the conversation you had with Ares. 

You couldn't get the conversation out of your head, even after you showered and laid down to finally get some rest. 

Of course you kept thinking about the conversation and how lucky you were Ares didn't throw you into the street and run you over. 

Another thing stayed on your mind though. 

You didn't give an offering. You were told the gods would listen if you burned something that mattered, like the thickest piece of meat on your plate. You weren't sure they were actually listening and honestly you thought it was a real asshole condition. 

All you had was some stupid candy and you didn't even burn that and the minute you thought about it, he appeared like he was already watching. 

But you doubted he was watching. You doubted he listened to your prayers at all. 

You were one of his children which was something he hated. He'd claim you, possibly send a gift then be done with you. He didn't listen to you anymore. He didn't watch over you anymore. 

It was a coincidence. That's all it was. 

You were sure of it. 

At least, you tried to be. 

This is definitely ooc Ares but YA’LL KNOW I’M A LITTLE FUCKING SLOW! BE PATIENT WITH ME GOTDAMMIT😭 If you saw any errors, no you did not. I already proofread it once and I don’t feel like doing it again like I typically do. It’s 1am. I should be asleep.

[yanderedrabbles]

I just came across your blog and just wanted to say hi, so...hi, hello :) How are you? Hope you're taking care of yourself and hydrating properly!

If you don't mind me asking, is there any advice you can give me as someone who struggles with writer's block and wants to get into the yandere community by writing fics/ocs and stuff?

~ 🐇 (I didn't see that this bunny emoji was taken, but if it is, I'll change it ^^)

Got writer's block? The yanderedrabbles literary agency is here to help - whether you want us to or not.

ooh, writer's block is the worst. Over the years, I've assembled a kit to help me get through it. It includes advice I've picked up from fellow authors, from books on writing, and things I've generally figured out. Specifically catered to my particular brand of procrastination and keyboard related head banging.

Not every step will work for you, but I'd say they're all worth trying!

Step 1: Figure out what's causing the block. Tricky, I know. But there's definitely a reason behind it, and solving the issue means finding the root. Do you feel paralysed by perfection, not wanting to write because you don't want to fail? Is your idea bank running on empty? Do you feel like your work just isn't good enough? Are you tired or burnt out? For most, it's usually a combination of factors. Identify and address issue accordingly.

Step 2: Write badly. No, seriously. Give yourself permission to sit down and write the worst piece of literature to ever grace this good, green earth. Because you know what? You can always fix it later. And at least you'll have something to improve upon, rather than yet another blank document that stares at you like an accusation. This goes for my perfectionists especially. Your first draft is supposed to be awful! That's why it's the first! Just get those words down and fix them later. Will you have to delete huge swathes? Probably. But the stuff you're left with will be worth the effort, I promise you.

Step 3: Randomness as Genesis. This is my go to when the mental treasury cuts funding and my idea bank is on the verge of bankruptcy. There are soooo many ways to go about it.

The first method is to use a random word generator and build off that. It's tricky at first, but as you train yourself to think like a writer, you'll find ideas coming from even the most mundane things. Here are some examples:

"Hairdresser?" Ooh, a small town mystery where the local stylist notices something strange about her latest client. "Scissors?" A goodwill employee comes across a pair of vintage garden sheers that contain a strange power. "Heater?" It's winter and your shoddy old heater has finally given up. There's a blizzard blowing in and no one to turn to for help besides your mysterious and reclusive neighbour.

In the same vein, use a random title generator and base your story off that. [Or as it's more commonly known, the Val Lewton method].

The third option is a template. I usually create about three to five categories - character type, conflict, setting, genre - and list as many things I can think of. And then, I use a number generator to randomly choose one or two ideas from each category.

In practice, I end up with prompts like "captain of the guard, age gap, fantasy, revenge." It's up to me to come up with a story based off that. And in this case, I did! Those prompts were the basis of my upcoming Yandere Captain of the Guard x Princess Reader fic.

I got this idea from the James Scott Bell Start-A-Plot machine. I can drop both the JSB method and mine if you guys are interested.

Step 4: Freeflow. One of my fave methods. Sit down and write the longest sentence you can manage. Ramble. No punctuation. Let your character monologue as much as they want. It's a writing exercise that I'm particularly fond of to get into a flow state and warm up. Also! It's a great way to get into your character's head and really nail down that sense of voice.

Step 5: Multimedia inspiration. Pinterest boards. Playlists. Your favourite books. Your favourite movies. Fairytales. Take something you love and add a modifier onto it. In the case of yandere cyberpunk fairytales, I decided to take classic fairytales and reinterpret them through a cyberpunk and pulp noir style. But that's barely scratching the surface. Change the time period, change the character types, change the genre. There's no shortage of ideas when you know where to look.

Step 6: Sleep on it! Or better yet, walk it out. Y'know those tiktoks where someone is talking about smashing their daily step count because they were day dreaming? Yep, that's about to be you. We all daydream, and we do it all the time. On commutes, during boring meetings, waiting in line. The key is to note down all those day dreams and turn them into stories. No matter how over the top or self indulgent, they're worth keeping.

Writers obsess over their work. I cannot tell you how many times I read over a fic before I even think of publishing it. That's great for editing, but when you've been over the same piece of media half a dozen times, it starts to loose its magic. When your work feels like the ugliest piece of text to ever exist, more often than not it's the fatigue talking. I suggest letting your work sit for a little while before reviewing/editing. Coming in with fresh eyes changes so much. You'll be surprised by how different your work feels once you've let it breathe a little.

Step 7: Do something light to push through it. This right here is the real secret sauce. I think a lot of writer's block comes from the fear of failure. What if I suck? What if I'm the worst author since the guy who wrote about space zebras with lazer guns?

Especially when you're working on something that you've already put a ton of effort into. There's this innate desire to succeed that becomes paralysing.

The solution to that is to step away and work on something fun and easy and low stakes. Something you're not afraid of messing up. In my case, the yandere movie week reviews are a fun, lighthearted shift away from my regular posting styles. In addition, short drabbles like this and this almost always break me out of my slumps.

Fun and low stakes. It's gets those writing muscles flexing again and before you know it, you're ready to dive back into your magnum opus.

There you have it! The methods I use to break through the writer's block. And just remember, if its your calling, then it will keep calling. Don't beat yourself up for taking time off from writing. That time away might be what finally inspires you and sets all the right pieces clicking into place.

Writer's block is a reality for just about everyone who's ever put pen to paper or gorgeous, manicured fingers to keyboard. You aren't alone in wanting to punch the screen until sentences start forming. But we all get through it eventually. Take care of yourself, read what you love and hammer at those keys until they give in. That's all there is to it. Love ya, and happy writing 😘

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

So, I been curious and I wonder if you have answers; how strong is Idia? I know physically that a new born kitten could woop him, while technology wise not even the master control could stand against him, but what about magic wise? And where does he stand in comparison to the other dorm heads? I know in ch 6 he was strong as heck but isn't that mainly because he was getting energy from the blots?

(Thank you for your time)

Mmm, well... I don't think "magic strength" alone accounts for how good of a mage someone is. You could have all the power in the world but could be a terrible mage just because of how you use it (like if you lack control), or perhaps because you can only cast a few powerful spells before you blow through your energy reserves. All spells are also not made equal; there are defensive spells, offensive spells, healing spells, and more! Because of all that, it's hard for us to really quantify how "strong" a mage is, because really each mage seems to specialize in their own skillsets. It's not "which class is the strongest?" but rather "which class fits your preferred play style?" For this reason, I'm not going to be formally ranking the dorm leaders but instead will point out their strengths and weaknesses.

As Idia points out in book 6:

Riddle has an artificially large magic pool because he started his magical training from a young age. He is capable of casting strong spells and favors offense, but also has low physical stamina and tires easily (from blot accumulation) because he tries to brute-force. His mental state is also said to be heavily impacted by external factors.

Leona can cast spells quickly and effortlessly; his magic pool is described to be "huge", but we don't know how this really relates to the other problem children in terms of scale. He also seems to boast precision, as he can "tailor" his defensive spells' strength to counter his opponents. Because of how efficient Leona is, he barely accumulates unnecessary blot. Stress does not have much effect on how fast he produces blot, but intense emotions do cause a significant spike in him. Additionally, Leona is skilled in flight due to playing magift/spelldrive.

Azul is a relatively slow spellcaster but makes up for that with precision and access to a variety of spells. He watches the flow of a battle, keeps cool, and then plays support/heals as needed. Idia also notes that while Azul can cast many different spells, Azul also does not have a large enough magic pool to support them and so has to be more careful about what and when he uses his magic.

Vil is very stable across the board and is quite resilient to blot. Stress does not have a huge effect on him, but the blot does seem to stick around for longer because of his larger magic pool. Something else to keep in mind is that Vil excels in making potions, which is another form of magic.

Please keep in mind that these refer to mainly COMBAT scenarios, which are not the only cases in which you would use magic... so this isn't an entirely accurate assessment; it's just the most convenient assessment since the game blatantly lays the comparisons out for us. Let's now piece together what we know of the remaining dorm leaders based on lore we have:

Kalim does not strike me as someone who has a particularly large pool of magic (it's never commented on, nor shown). I'd place him at around normal until otherwise refuted by the canon. We know he's not particularly proficient in his studies, as he just barely scrapes by in classes with intense help from Jamil. This may not always translate to poor performance in practical settings, but we also have no standout moments of Kalim pulling off impressive spells or being a notable mage. He also doesn't seem to be aware of the practical or strategic uses for his own UM unless others in his immediate vicinity are in need of large amounts of water. It's possible that he's incredibly powerful, but lacks awareness of how to best utilize his magic.

Malleus is stated in the lore to be one of the top 5 mages in the WORLD. He uses magic on a daily basis and barely blinks an eye to when he does amazing feats like STOPPING TIME ITSELF. Book 7 also reveals to us a hypothesis that fae might have access to an essentially limitless reserve of magic because they pull that magic from nature itself. I'd say that this definitively places Malleus at the top of the "magical power" hierarchy--there was never any doubt about that, the problem just comes in trying to sort everyone else under him.

And then there's Idia, whom we don't really see performing magic much by himself. No, he prefers to tinker with his computer parts which, technically, can count as magic since technomancy is the combination of technology and magic. (Does Ortho count as something resulting from Idia's "magic power"??) It's hard to say.

If I had to guess, I would think Idia is another stable user like Vil but is also highly volatile like Riddle (due to his guilt and grief being the main source of trauma). Idia HAS to cast spells or input magic into his devices because of his curse; if he does not accumulate blot, there's nothing for his curse to dine on... so it'll dine on his own magic instead, which can be detrimental to his health and wellbeing. (This is why the Shrouds are perfect candidates to work at STYX and research blot. All the blot present in STYX HQ fuels them and feeds their curses.) This implies Idia has to have output, and consistent output at that. More blot present in the immediate area may be able to power him up more and allow him to cast more spells/cast spells more frequently, but that's again highly dependent on his environment. Idia has the "flexibility" that the other dorm leaders lack, which can be a curse or a blessing given the scenario. Make of that what you will!

[littlefeltsparrow]

It’s really strange that the Inner Circle expected Nesta to recover within such a short span of time when their lifespans are so long, you would think that a clique of immortals might have difference conceptions of acceptable recovery timeframes. 1-2 years is hardly anything when you factor in the centuries that Nesta has yet to live. With the way they act, you’d think they’d never been exposed to the behaviour of a traumatized individual, especially one who’s undergone a HUGE transition.

It would actually be a great opportunity to show the cultural differences between the former-humans and the fae. Mentally, the Archeron sisters are still human and haven’t had a lot of experience in the fae world and don’t have a full grasp of what it’s like. So, you have a vast gap of knowledge between the two groups when it comes to time, milestones, significant moments, etc. SJM doesn’t take advantage of this potential because the ages of the Inner Circle are surface level, really they just act like a clique of college friends and their vast ages don’t really matter that much. BUT THEY SHOULD!

I think it’d be really funny if Cassian was like: “Yeah after the war I knew this one guy who disappeared into a cave for 30 years, but when he came out he was as good as new! Everyone needs a little time.” And then cut to Feyre’s flabbergasted reaction. Instead, they act so impatient about it. Like…calm down you guys, you literally have centuries to work things out, you don’t have to freak out over Nesta not recovering quickly enough.

[nightcolorz]

Hello!

Please, speak more about traumatic age regression in Armand and Lestat- I would LOVE to hear other peoples thoughts on this, because its a theory/interpretation I've also been batting around

thank u for the ask omg!! I would love to talk about this!

In the books especially Armand and lestat show like, text book age regression haha. They both are shown to be below the standard of functionality for both their mortal and their immortal ages, and both struggle with emotional regulation in a way that is explicitly childlike.

Btw for clarities sake, when I say traumatic age regression btw I’m referring to age regression that is triggered involuntarily as a trauma response, when a person will slip into a childlike mindset or behavior due to how their brain functions after trauma. I’m not referring to age regression as an intentional coping mechanism to deal with trauma (though i do think both these characters would benefit from this and I would like to see it explored, I’m just making the case that the former occurs in canon haha)

Starting with Armand, he is often described as having been stunted in growth in a way which causes him to be unable to behave or function as an adult, since he was turned into a vampire as a teenager. This is such a huge deal with him, to the point where Marius literally tells people Armand should have never been a vampire because of how “damaged” he is. This conceptually is like inherently age regression lol, he’s an emotionally stunted 500 yr old vampire who behaves like a child because his brain got messed up. But this isn’t really the case at all with other child vampire characters. Claudia is not the most stable adult, but she’s certainly not immature or childlike in her behavior the way Armand is. While Armand is unable to live independently for the majority of the book series because he panics and short circuits when he is put in a position where he needs to be self reliant, Claudia only needs to have a caregiver because she will be restricted from entering certain spaces and will have trouble navigating the world without an adult since she appears as a five year old.

And characters like Benji are completely stable and functional as adults, and their minds are unaffected by being stuck in the bodies of children. It seems to me that Armand’s stunted growth has more to do with the trauma he’s experienced than the age he was turned (tho it is likely a factor). Armand has a very intense case of identity fracturing during his crucial development, so he can’t remember most of his life and formative memories, and mental health problems like these often cause age regression to come up. Armand was prevented from ever going through the crucial developmental stages a child needs to become a stable adult bcus of the trauma he was out through, so it makes sense that as an adult he still behaves and thinks like a child.

A lot of times adults who experienced intense childhood trauma are forced to be very mature as children to protect themselves, and when they are adults and are no longer in danger the childishness they repressed in childhood presents itself in adulthood, and the adult tries to learn and explore what they lost out on in childhood. I think Armand is experiencing a form of this, which is a form of age regression. An example of this would be how in queen of the damned Armand acts very childish, because as he describes it, he’s “learning about the modern world”, and he’s rediscovering his childhood curiosity bcus he never was able to truly learn about the world and learn how to live as an adult in it during his formative years. The devils minion chapter is very age regressy to me, I mean the whole thing is about Armand experiencing new things and sensory experiences and and trying to learn life lessons from Daniel because he’s never had that before. Daniel gets to see Armand’s mask unveil and discovers that he has a boyish laugh and he likes dumb comedy movies, and blenders, and he has a childlike wonder and desire to explore. (Cough cough age regression). Daniel is able to bring out Armand’s age regression in a positive way by nurturing his inner child in a way no one has before. So Armand definitely I feel like age regresses when he’s happy and letting himself indulge in things that heal a part of his inner child (particularly around someone he trusts, Daniel) but he also definitely age regresses when his trauma is triggered (oof)

Armand goes through mood swings and drastic changes in behavior pretty often. He is usually very good at appearing put together and mature, he speaks very calmly and rationally, he’s socially skilled and charming. But Armand has moments that happen when he is very upset usually, where his mask breaks and he suddenly begins acting like a child, crying and screaming, breaking things, throwing tantrums, stuff like that. It seems like Armand age regresses when he’s in some way triggered or experiencing very strong emotions. I think that his most evil, insane moments r often influenced by age regression. For example, Armand’s behavior in the vampire Lestat comes off as age regression to me. Lestat’s appearance in Armand’s life uproots his sense of security and sense of purpose (and reminds him of his maker), so Armand begins throwing violent tantrums and destroying all of his things and going to nicki’s house and throwing a fit and making his house a mess. Armand has no calculated idea of revenge against lestat for a perceived wrong, he just feels helpless and starts acting out in childlike ways (age regression). It’s even little things. When Armand begins revealing his past to Lestat he holds his arms and appears helpless and lost. When Armand is his most helpless his instinct is to curl into himself in defeat. He almost forgets how powerful he is and reverts to helpless frightened child.

The age regression angle definitely applies to show Armand too. Show Armand wasn’t even turned as a child, so all of his regressive behavior is rooted in regression exclusively. I get the impression that amc Armand, because of his isolated upbringing where he was raised to be obedient and reliant before he was raised to be a person, causes him to age regress since he was never raised to be an indecent adult. Amc Armand age regresses most often by perceiving himself as much more helpless and constantly victimized than he is, and acting accordingly. He’s like a big dog that thinks it’s a puppy so it sits on its owner lap and crushes their bones 😭. I could elaborate on amc Armand age regressing for sure, but I don’t want to make this post all Armand lmaooo. A post for another day

NOW LESTAT LOL! Lestat absolutely age regresses in the books, in a similar way to Armand where it is almost explicitly acknowledged lmao. The biggest example I think of when I think of lestat age regressing is a small scene in the vampire Lestat, where after almost getting himself killed when he plays the violin for akasha, Marius saves lestat and berates him for being stupid, and instead of taking on his usual defensive cockiness Lestat breaks down in hysterical tears and begs Marius to forgive him. It’s incredibly childish in a way that’s kind of heartbreaking, he’s saying stuff like “i didn’t mean to, please don’t be mad”, and it’s such an abused child reaction. Lestat most often age regresses when he is in the presence of someone he perceives as a mentor/parental figure. Lestat was turned young, not as young as Armand but young enough to not be entirely mature or self sufficient. And lestat was pretty seriously abused and neglected, and combined with how young he is he has a complex around older people where he sort of clings on to somebody to be his parental figure and reverts into a childlike mindset in their presence. Like Marius, lol (this also happens with David talbot). This is also definitely due to Lestats maker trauma, where he as a person with already bad abandonment issues, was very seriously abandoned and in the process seriously abused, and so part of Lestat always holds onto the trauma of loosing his maker and is always looking for someone to fulfill that mentor role for him that he was deprived of.

As a child Lestat was neglected so bad that he never had his bad behavior “corrected”, bcus none of the adults in his life cared to teach him how to be a good person. He was only ever beaten for the satisfaction of his abusers, he was never corrected or punished for his sake. This is why lestat often does reckless, stupid things purposefully, bcus he is looking for someone to tell him off. He wants someone to care about him enough to try and teach him how to be good. So, Lestat age regresses by acting out like a kid and doing things he hopes will get him scolded at 😭. Which earns him the brat Prince nickname from Marius, which is just so age regressy it’s insane.

The way Lestat expresses his hysterical emotions def comes off as age regression to me sometimes, specially when he hysterically cries and laughs. Louis describes Lestat in iwtv as immature and stupid, and I think the reason Lestat often behaves this way around Louis is because Louis’s emotional callousness reminds him of his mother, and triggers his age regression reaction where he acts out to get attention.

what I love so much about Armand and lestats dynamic is that they have sooo many of their major issues in common. Lestat and Armand hate each other, but they also love each other bcus in a way they r the only people who understand each other. Ughhhh they r so good.

thank u SM for the ask I love talking about this!!!! I hope I’m making sense here I feel like I didn’t do my thoughts justice cuz I’m recovering from a massive migraine rn 😭

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFP, 25. Feeling pretty lost in life. After a long battle with mental illness (runs in the family, I'm surrounded by people that as of now don't want to go to therapy and keep reliving the same patterns, hurting everyone who hasn't gone through the process I've - THANK GOODNESS - gone through thanks to therapy and medication), I find myself unemployed, without friends, without money, still studying for my degree (I'm almost finished though) and for the first time seeing things so, so clearly.

I wasted most of my teenage years trying to understand what the fuck was going on in my head, battling anorexia, depression and social anxiety - and the latter still has a big impact on the way I speak to people since words don't come to my head, plus depression really wrecked my memory and it can take a whole 20 minutes for me to remember a specific name that I wanted to bring up in a conversation. I feel like I'm cooked.

I don't hate myself nor I feel like I have low self-esteem; actually, I really like who I am when given the time and emotional space to make my true self and inner creativity shine. I think I could give a lot to people but because of a general lack of understanding of common references cause I was detached from everything most of my life and I've missed them all, I tend to be perceived as cringe/weird/naive/childish and none of my conversations are surviving past the first week.

I'm really trying hard to develop my vocabulary, catching up with tv shows characters or even basic history references, but it feels like a huge toll of notions that I can't possibly internalize in such a short amount of time. These people dedicated years (consciously or not) to common knowledge, their family members had culture and raised them to be curious about the world - I'm only now waking up and looking at the world for the first time, with the intention of developing my social and verbal skills.

Basically I need to step up my life and I don't feel like it's working cause everyone can tell I'm so behind and I'm not up their standards - especially in my age range, and considering my economic state. Whenever they ask "what's your job" or "what's your favorite music genre" and I can't really give them an answer to either, I feel ashamed. I know it's not my fault, I had to survive violence and ignorance growing up and I was never given the time to discover who I am or to become a functioning member of society or even feel "safe" enough to try ANYTHING, so yeah, I do have self-compassion, I guess - but others seem like they don't, and I'm so slow when I speak, I'm so slow when I wanna come up with a joke and in a social setting everyone looks at each other like they think I'm stupid.

Is there any advice you can give me? I know I can make it. I am exactly like everyone else, I can develop the same abilities and have a good future. Am I right? Or is this just some lie I'm telling myself? Am I deluded? Will people always look down on me and avoid me altogether?

--------------------

I'm not in a position to tell you that you're lying to yourself; it's something you need to determine through honest self-reflection. There's nothing wrong with talking yourself up in order to motivate yourself to do better. It's also a good thing to try to focus more on the positive aspects of life, especially when you have a history of getting stuck in negativity or narrow-mindedness. This would certainly help you with Ne development, which should be an ongoing project.

As far as I can tell, the root of the problem you're describing isn't psychological but social. Not everything in life is under our control. In fact, studies have consistently revealed that people are far more influenced by their social environment than they care to admit. You don't get to choose which family you're born into. As a child, you have no say in which neighborhood, city, or country you live in. Yet, upbringing, community, and culture are three major factors that influence the trajectory of your life, everyone's life.

If you're unlucky, you grow up experiencing a painful mismatch of personality and environment. And it is down to luck. You shouldn't fault yourself for accidents of birth. And you also can't really fault the "environment" because it's not really a conscious entity that intentionally sets out to harm people. Although the social environment is created by the people comprising it, it's not within any given individual's power to change or control it. This is why, historically, you see people migrate far from home, in search of better environments with better opportunities.

You're young and, because of your upbringing, you didn't really get a chance to participate properly in the world. This means you haven't really experienced firsthand just how big the world can be. There is such a diversity of people, places, and culture in the world, which I take to mean that there's a place for every person. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will allow you to be your true self. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will help bring out the best in you and allow you to contribute the best of yourself.

However, that place may or may not be where you were born and raised. When you feel like you don't fit in despite all your best efforts, it might help to ask whether this is really the place you're meant to be and the people you're meant to be associated with...

I've known a lot of immigrants in my lifetime, so I have taken part in many complicated discussions about how to fit in, culturally. Some people find it easier to pick up mainstream culture as they go, looking up references and remembering them as necessary. Some people like to be more prepared and put effort into studying cultural history. I've had a lot of people ask me for help getting to know western culture's most important artists, writers, books, musicians, songs, movies, and tv shows by decade.

It used to be easier to learn cultural knowledge when media was more centralized. Nowadays, people are more siloed, ironically because of social media. Subcultures abound, appearing and disappearing with short-lived social media trends. In today's chaotic media landscape, trying to keep up with the latest cultural trends isn't really worth the energy anymore because collective memory has become so short. What's the point of remembering a meme or viral event when most people will have forgotten it a month later?

What is one to do when faced with this kind of information overload? There are two helpful strategies that go together:

(1) Narrow Your Focus

One reason people are so interested in cultural knowledge is because culture is an important avenue of self-discovery. Have you ever noticed that when they put together a boy/girl band, they find four or five guys/gals with very different and distinct personalities? They're hoping to ensure that teenage listeners will find at least one band member to relate to on a deeper level. It's a way to cover all the bases and maximize the chances of turning someone into a fan. While it sounds like a cynical and calculated ploy, it's actually an important way for teenagers to learn more about their own likes/dislikes, in contrast to others.

One could argue that the reason we have so many genres in music, movies, tv shows, and literature is because of the diversity of human beings. We're all born with a personality that we express in our own unique way, which means we all have a propensity to like and dislike certain things. As much as I've tried to get into death metal, I just can't seem to resonate with it. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I'm not out there trying to stop other people from appreciating it. We are all entitled to our personal tastes.

You're hoping that by learning more cultural knowledge, some of those factoids will eventually pay off during a social interaction. But what are the odds that they will? Pretty low because it's too random. Is it really worth the energy spent in remembering all that information only for a small portion of it to come in handy at some random time in the future? Sure, there are people who have a head for remembering trivia, but if you're not one of them, it quickly becomes a waste of energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

But wastefulness aside, cramming yourself full of factoids isn't a good strategy for two reasons. Firstly, when learning is motivated solely by a desire to obtain external rewards (e.g. approval or money), people don't tend to achieve true mastery or genuine appreciation of the subject matter. In other words, it's a shallow way of learning that doesn't help memory retention, as you're finding out. Secondly, doing something just to impress others is basically contorting yourself to conform with other people's expectations. This doesn't help you learn about yourself, quite the opposite, it takes you farther and farther away from yourself, which is why it doesn't feel right.

While we often associate identity formation with adolescence, the fact is that learning about who you really are is a lifelong task. Thus, the question isn't about when you started (early or late), it's more about whether you're using a good approach that actually gets you incrementally closer to the truth of who you really are.

If participation in culture is an important pathway for learning about oneself, what you should be doing is exploring different aspects of culture to learn about potential likes, dislikes, interests, and hobbies. For example, you're not going to know whether you like horror movies until you watch a few. But once you've watched a representative sample of the genre and realize you don't like it, let it go and move onto something else.

It's almost as though you believe you have to know everything so that you can relate to anyone. I don't think this is a good or efficient socializing strategy, unless you love researching and have a great memory. You need to accept the fact that you're not going to be friends with everyone. It's okay that you're more compatible with some people more than others.

To improve your chances of social success, you have to know what you're looking for and how to find it. When you go fishing, you don't just throw a hook in the water and hope for the best, right? You have to use the right kind of bait. In the context of relationships, "bait" refers to the things that attract people to each other. One of the best and fastest ways of connecting with people is through common interests. However, this pathway won't be available to you as long as your interests aren't genuine or you haven't developed them properly.

(2) Prioritize Quality (Over Quantity)

One reason people feel easily inundated with too much information is lack of critical thinking skills. Critical thinking helps you sort through information and evaluate its quality. It's like learning how to quickly spot the rare diamonds amongst the pile of cheap shiny jewels. This also helps with the first point of narrowing your focus.

When you have a better idea of what you like or find intriguing, you open up opportunities to dig deeper and nurture a more sophisticated appreciation of the subject, to refine your tastes. A like/interest (feeling) can be transformed into an edifying intellectual pursuit (skill). But this can only happen if you value learning for its growth potential and not just for the social approval it might bring.

You seem a bit too concerned with how people judge you as a "weirdo". It could be the case that you've met some nasty people. But it could also be the case that you're projecting because you low-key feel ashamed of being "behind" in your development.

There's nothing wrong with being ignorant when it happens through no fault of your own. Nobody comes out of the womb knowing everything and we don't all have equal opportunity to learn what we need to know. It's pointless and illogical to compare yourself to others when you didn't begin life at the same starting line. And being human means having blind spots. Ignorance only becomes problematic when it is willful, that is, a person denies their ignorance and refuses to remedy it with proper learning. Given your motivation to learn, it's clear that you're not stuck in a state of willful ignorance, so there is nothing to feel ashamed about.

On occasion, people come to me asking about a psychology book they've read, only for me to break the bad news to them that it's a terrible book, full of misinformation. Should they then walk away and give up out of embarrassment? I sure hope not. I hope that they would learn to choose their learning resources more carefully.

The trouble with being a newbie is that you don't yet know enough to separate out the good stuff from the junk. To counter this, instead of becoming too reliant on one resource, communicate with a wide variety of people who seem to exhibit more knowledge than you. Eventually, you'll get a better feel for the quality of the knowledge. For example, if most experts are in general agreement, then you've probably stumbled upon trustworthy information. But when nobody can seem to agree on what the "truth" is, then be more careful.

Following from that, instead of slinking away in shame when you're caught not knowing something that seemingly "everybody should know", why not just be honest about not having had the chance to learn and welcome the person to enlighten you? Allow yourself to be humbly schooled. I can't tell you the amount of useful information I've picked up by simply letting people go on and on about their passions and interests.

Doing this could also take a lot of pressure off you, in terms of having the opportunity to: 1) sit back, relax, and listen, 2) learn and absorb information in a more natural setting, and 3) get some valuable tips about which direction to take your learning and where to find quality sources of information to speed up your learning. You might even get inspired to pursue something new and interesting.

The concept of "quality" also applies to people. Every person is a mixture of positive and negative qualities, but some people exhibit more of their negative qualities. When you meet people like that, it is fine to feel repelled and get away from them. But don't then overreact and overgeneralize and believe that everyone is bad.

If the people you're interacting with are truly judgmental jerks, it's better to find out sooner so that you don't end up in a toxic relationship. You truly like yourself? Then wear it proudly. Be open, authentic, and transparent about who you are and the struggles you've been through. Observe how willing people are to accept all of you. This should help you quickly separate out the good from the bad eggs. A good person should be:

empathetic and compassionate

willing to give you the benefit of the doubt

inclined to see and acknowledge the good in you

curious rather than judgmental

sensitive and accommodating, within reason

Every place has its good and bad people, and meeting new people is luck of the draw. When you meet bad people, there's no need to waste time with blame or anger. It's their problem, not yours. Simply walk away and keep looking for good people. And if your social environment isn't overflowing with your kind of people, you might have to migrate to a new and better environment.

Generally speaking, the process of improving yourself and your life goes a lot more smoothly when you know how to tune out noise and keep focused on your main goals.

[citygirlyuno305]

Hi! I really enjoyed reading all your posts. I could probably say more in a better headspace, but I at least want to say: huge kudos to you for writing that 10-page Amane paper. Amane fans are the normalest people around <3

I was wondering, if it's not too broad, how Amane's case for murdering Shidou might go. (I know it's still kind of vague what happened, and I have no idea how she'd do it in non-MILGRAM custody, but I'm quite curious.)

Yes I am very normal about Amane thank you

Honestly this one is impossible to actually say definitively if not only because there’s no scenario where they’d be sent to serve a sentence in the same place. Juveniles are always separated from adults, even when they’re tried as adults. They just get transferred to adult facilities once the juvenile court loses jurisdiction.

Ultimately though, in large part, I think it changes very little.

Take scenario 1 or 2 from the amane post and lets say she was found NGI for the offense of second degree murder and was sent to a state institution.

When youre in a state institution, you are pretty much stuck there for at least the minimum term of imprisonment you’d get if you weren’t found insane. In my state, 2nd degree murder can carry 15 yrs to life in prison, minimum. So, she’s likely stuck there for 15 years minimum. Disregarding parole nuances.

In the meantime she can file restoration of sanity petitions, which require a court trial (no jury involved) to prove that she has regained sanity. At the end of the 15 years, the government also can, and will, file petitions barring release on the basis that she has not restored sanity, and inevitably they wind up in the same place- has your sanity been restored or not? By which I mean, can your doctors say you’re not mentally ill anymore? This is why sometimes an insanity plea basically results in life imprisonment.

In any case, if at any point she somehow manages to kill Shidou during her time in this facility, and based upon the reasons that she did it, it only factors to keep her in that institution longer. Because we said you’re not guilty by reason of insanity for this RAMCOA related mental illness driving your theories of right and wrong, and you proceeded to, once again, kill someone because of the same rhetoric. In this sense, your sanity is surely not restored, you’re a danger to the community and yourself, etcetcetc, she’s in there until she’s deprogrammed, basically.

So for that scenario, functionally, nothing actually changes. Her release from that institution would always hinge on her ability to prove that her sanity was restored. It just makes it harder to prove that when you have two bodies for the same reason.

But let’s say she’s actually genuinely convicted of 2nd degree murder and sent to a prison for probably 15 yrs max, and she kills shidou (who is somehow in the same facility). I don’t think her term would actually have “to life” attached, if I’m honest, I think she’s more likely to get a determinate term of 15 years because she’s literally 12. (and I think she’d probably get out earlier. It’s genuinely easier to get out of prison than it is an institution.)

But I digress. So one comparison is Christopher Scarver, who killed Dahmer and another inmate while he was already serving a life term. All adults. He eventually pleaded no contest to both murders and was transferred to federal prison which is generally worse for prisoners than state prisons (though neither are phenomenal), receiving two more life terms. So its just life x3.

Theoretically, if she killed shidou somehow while she was convicted as a juvenile, they may charge her as an adult, and may smack a consecutive life (with the possibility of parole) sentence on her, which means she’d serve time in a juvenile facility until the court loses jurisdiction (age 18-25) and then get transferred to an adult prison to serve her life term with the possibility of parole.

She cannot get any term at age 12 that does not have some possible form of release. Flat out. She will always have some option as to release. But, again, killing another person for the same reasons will make getting parole a lot less likely.

She will have to show that she’s de facto deprogrammed anyways for any hope of parole. She doesn’t have to go as far as restoration of sanity, per se, so it’s slightly easier, and being that she’d be over age 20 before she found herself in a parole hearing, there’s something to be said about proving you’re not dangerous after two murders committed when you were literally 12. Add on the tragic backstory and really Amane could ostensibly have a pretty easy time getting out on parole.

But really, it’s more harmful to her to not mandate some form of therapy or treatment. I see no scenario where Amane can truly live normally and peacefully after the murders without deprogramming. And even after deprogramming, I have to imagine she will have difficulty forming normal relationships with people.

But if we take Amane scenario 3, where shes guilty of malice murder and has it reversed on appeal, it makes literally no difference at all if she kills shidou.

As I said there, theres a really good case to be made as to insufficient evidence to form the proper mens rea required for murder. I kind of gave an incomplete overview of the nuances with charging and retrials, theoretically she could be retried with a lesser offense like negligent homicide or voluntary manslaughter, but usually when someone is charged with murder, the jury instructions will already account for those possibilities. Like, I charge you with malice murder, but we also have an inherent and unavoidable duty to instruct the jury that hey, if you don’t think she was able to form the mens rea due to extreme provocation or emotional disturbance, you should find her guilty of the lesser included offense of voluntary manslaughter. The thing is though, if a jury found her guilty of malice murder even with that lesser included offense instruction, it is effectively a finding beyond a reasonable doubt that she didn’t meet the elements of voluntary manslaughter- which would, in turn, make it nearly impossible to retry her for voluntary manslaughter. Theoretically possible, but doubtful.

Anyway, so she gets convicted, then appeals. Let’s say that while her appeal is pending she kills shidou. That is a whole separate case. They do not look at information beyond the record on appeal unless its a habeas proceeding (for an example, if I claim there was racial bias in my trial I should do a habeas proceeding. That way I can prove facts beyond the record about racial bias among jurors beyond what they said on the record during trial, or I can provide proof of sentencing disparities between my race and another race, etc.)

They’ll know she killed him but they’re really not supposed to be looking at that. Because whether she killed her mom with that mental state is predicated on different facts, its based in a different scenario, it arises from different relationships with the victim, and therefore the mental state is not truly the same even if driven by similar factors. So whether her mental state negates murder for killing her mom does not change after killing Shidou.

What DOES change is that she’d be charged with his murder separately, and sympathy might be dwindling. Killing your abusive mom is one thing, killing a doctor that tends to people is another, especially because he had no hand in your abuse. Almost like how people wouldn’t feel bad for Haruka because he killed someone not connected to his abuse, but Amane would at least enjoy the benefit of not being seen as actual Satan incarnate because she didn’t kill a child. But that’s not enough to save her here, really.

Based on what we know about her murder of Shidou, god, I hate saying it, it’s honestly first degree murder. Like, she’s not being subtle in T2, it’s premeditated and deliberate. She doesnt have the nexus between the abuse and the victim that she does for her mom. And by now she’s well aware murder is wrong. Insanity is harder to swing, even with the characteristic hyperreligiosity. It’s still possible I suppose.

Honestly it’d be foolish to charge first degree murder though, even though she did technically plan it. She’ll probably get second degree, maximum, because of the RAMCOA and the age and everything else. Its really more of a preventative measure at that point. Because if the court on appeal said, broadly, that her RAMCOA prevented her from forming the requisite intent for murder, I’d be pretty hesitant to ignore that in charging her again for another murder that she committed due to the RAMCOA. Honestly it becomes convoluted at this point. Assuming she’s somehow still 12 she could be charged as a juvenile and we end up right back where we started. Maybe she gets 15 to life as an adult and we end up in the same place where she needs to basically prove she’s sane to get parole. The waters are muddied with this scenario where she’s absolved on appeal.

Generally, if we ignore the murder of her mom altogether, pretend it didn’t happen and just operate on the theory that she only killed shidou, and it wasn’t in prison but just out and about in the regular world, shes probably still getting second degree murder maximum and her parents are getting crucified. At this point its like a watered down version of Haruka’s case, where extreme abuse led to a crime. Its only that amane’s case would still be more sympathetic, because of the torture, the fact that it was her entire life, the fact that shes a 12 year old girl, etc. Its weird because I know this is antithetical to what I said for Haruka, right, but it is genuinely different. The impact of RAMCOA on someones mental state and ability to form the intent to murder, and the subsequent ability to rehabilitate them, is hugely different from the vast array of emotional neglect scenarios and their outcomes. Because it was amanes whole life, the jury might genuinely say ok, she didn’t know any better. With haruka that isnt the case, as bad as it sounds. I might do a comparative analysis sometime to clarify why his case is so much different despite it looking the same facially.

[joanofexys]

gimme the Jude lore

okay okay Jude Reyes lore incoming

little breakdown first:

26 years old

he/him, pansexual, cis

played for the Trojans for 5 years

graduated with a degree in sports journalism

has adhd and depression (in the rambling bit tw right now for mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts tying into this)

only child and still upset about it

does the most out of all my ocs to work with college players, spends a lot of his free time flying out to different colleges to work with coaches and teams cause he likes and he enjoys it (gets a lot of teasing about becoming a coach in the future)

knows english and spanish

and oh yeah he's a dealer who will play as an extra backliner if needed

blonde, 6'3, big brown eyes

got his ears pierced cause Mara said he'd chicken out

So yeah Jude graduated from USC at the age of 23 and he was recruited for olympic court when he was 25. He considers the Trojan's his family and still keeps in touch with all the upper classmen who he used to play with. He's very much taken the Trojan attitude into his professional career. He's known as a team player on the court and also a huge activist off the court. He's now involved in presenting the Day Spirit Award every year and he's incredibly proud to have been apart of the team consistently winning it. While Ilya falls into the Just Some Guy category, Jude really takes it up like 10 levels into Golden Child territory. He's the favored one for press duty and is most involved with his teams social media. He's usually the one to sit down for the little games or the ask me anything's or the interviews everyone else deems pointless.

tw for self harm and suicide mentions, you can skip to the next bolded line if you need to

Jude was diagnosed with depression when he was 19 after he came to Rhemann confessing that he had been self harming for a few months after the workload with his class got more difficult for him to manage and he started thinking about committing suicide. He was diagnosed with adhd a few years later when he was 22 and now he now manages both with a mixture of therapy and medication. He's not perfect and obviously that didn't get rid of his depression but he has always had a safe space to talk about it and to get the help he needs. He advocates a lot for mental health in general but especially where athletes where it tends to get ignored with all the pressure put on them and he brings that into all of his relationships with his teammates trying to create a safe space for them. He is a huge factor in actually getting Em, Mara, and Florian to see therapists and he's who Florian calls after his 5th attempt and takes him to the hospital.

okay heavy bit over

I need y'all to know that Jude popped into my head literally today. He was named like 3 hours ago. So this is all just kind of developing as I yap about him. He's big on team inclusion. Doesn't want anyone to feel left out. At first Ilya really butted heads with Mara and Florian cause they were Raven's and Jude was basically the one to get sick of that and tell them they needed to shut the fuck up and put on their get along t-shirt

He's generally pretty outgoing and he loves a good party. And by party he means hosting his team and having some food and drinks and visiting with every one. Though he does go a little crazy after a win and he will probably not get home till like 6 in the morning and then will sleep for a full 24 hours

He comes off as very loud and flirtatious to most people, most people will think he is flirting even when he isn't and he has accidentally agreed to multiple dates before realizing they were dates and having to awkwardly let people down. He doesn't really date much, not seriously, largely because of how involved he is with the media portion of his job. If he does end up dating (and I don't have anyone set up for him yet) it'd most likely be another exy player who is also super involved with the media and interacting with the press

and yeah that's a little bit about Jude

[clockwrkpendrxgon]

Traffic Light Tag Game!

Thanks to my favourite people @caterpills and @firenati0n for the tag 💗 it’s been ages since I took part in any games on here so let’s go!!!

rules: talk about something creative you're working on of any kind. 🚦green: what is it about, what excited you about it, what sparked the idea? 🚦orange: slow down and share something from it: a photo, a few words, some more background info etc. 🚦red: what is the roadblock currently? what is one thing that is a necessary evil in making it?

GREEN: Okaaay I’m currently working on a fake dating fic that is loosely based on a show I watched during Ramadan and some sad, personal experiences (💀). It features Alex and Henry as door to door neighbours who barely know each other, and one day, Alex finds himself in a situation that has him urgently asking Henry to marry him 🌚 I really like the spontaneity of it, and I wanted to entertain the idea of what Henry’s reaction would be given that both of them are basically strangers to one another. There’s another subtle theme in there that I want to discuss but that’s a story for another day bc it’s gonna sound too sad 😭

ORANGE: I’m still in ‘building the exposition phase’ of the fic—which is the hardest part for me—so I don’t have much to share except for the scene that started it all honestly and I think it’s iconic 🤭 (one thing about me is I’ll always associate random quotes on pinterest with my fics and here we are)

RED: life. basically. The field I work in requires tons of creativity and creation, so by the time I sit to write, my mind is just blank, even though this story is fully figured out from start to finish btw. I’m also not in the best mental state nowadays, so that also plays a huge factor in writing it 🥲

Thank you if you’ve made it this far, sometimes it feels like I’m talking into the void 😭

no pressure tags 💗: @blueeyedgrlwrites @theprinceandagcd @thighzp @thesleepyskipper @henryspearl @wordsofhoneydew @kj-bee @anincompletelist @myheartalivewrites @miharaikko @remuscariad @regulusrules @milowren29 @ash-morrison @aforgottennymph @orchidscript @porcelainmortal

[childotkw]

Also this is a bit random but can I just tell you how much I love your portrayal of Ginny in ybtm? It’s rare to find a fic where Harry actually puts value into their relationship and mourns the loss of that when he gets sent back in time or something like that. And also doesn’t immediately go after someone else (like *cough* Tommy *cough*)

In Dora the explorer voice: I love it!

Ahhh thank you!!! 🥰🥰 I’m not super into Hinny normally, but I’ve never disliked their relationship when it is in a story. I think Harry, wonderful, loving, kind and mildly possessive man that he is, would not be the type to move on quickly or easily. Once you have a portion of his heart, you have it forever. Once he lets you in, once he loves you - there’s no taking that back.

I really wanted them to have that easy but deep love for each other, and I wanted to highlight the importance of their relationship to him through Harry’s grief.

The mental age difference is also a factor for Harry in this. He looks at Tom, at Orion, at all of the students and he sees them as kids. He’s not attracted to them. He doesn’t even register them as potential partners - and he won’t for a while. Yeah, he was only nineteen/twenty when Death scooped him up, and that’s not a huge gap, but Harry was (and very much still is emotionally) in a committed relationship.

Tom has some growing up to do, and Harry needs a mourning period, before anything would be able to happen between them.

[multi-fandom-lunatic]

Thank you for answering my ask! I also want to add that some protagonists in YA are now made to be characters who are 20, rather than teenagers - which confuses me, because YA really should be aimed at teenagers. Books can be for all ages, but I find it odd that so many adults hold onto/are obsessed with YA/teen media to the point authors are now pushing teenagers out of a space that's literally meant to be for them. As you said, it's a form of escapism sure, but it's strange to force YA to become more gritty and explicit when you can just write adult lit and use that age group as a way to explore things instead.

I think a nostalgia factor plays into it, plus an immaturity factor. Adults cling onto their teenage self because they feel that mentally, they cannot move on. This means that YA becomes darker to acomodate the adults who read the books (authors do this for profit and to become viral).

Also, about the why YA?, it's because the whole YA genre, I think, is the most flexible genre. YA is 13-18 YOs, and there's a world of difference between what kind of books people read between those ages. I personally think that YA authors are trying to write fiction for the late teens (17-18 YOs) and make their work darker, so much that it bleeds into the explicit-ness of Adult Lit, but they keep the tropes similar to typical YA, so they can still market it as YA. And, since YA as a whole genre is teens, even early teens are shown (through Booktok and similar) what the latest popular read is, and this, as a whole, compromises the integrity and teen-ness of te YA genre. In short: YA is the most marketable, and Adult Lit is collateral damage. I suspect middle-grade is next. I certainly hope not, though. I'd cry if Booktok ruined my favourite genre.

Have you noticed that similar things are happening with TV shows and other media? Odd how dark and gory stuff are being shown to teens (and younger) more now than ever. Think about Stranger Things and similar. Casual horror is becoming far more prevalent. YA becoming darker isn't just a phenomenon in Booktok, it's across other media.

But Booktok is kind of perfect to make darker, and this makes it the clearest example. Now, more than ever, books are hugely bought instead of borrowed at a library. Social media feeds into consumerism, so now, authors are writing these hugely dark YA books to keep up with what's trending.

In doing some minor research, I've found that people who defend Booktok in its current state argue to "let people read what they want". I'd like to say to this that that's what anti-Booktokers have been saying the whole time. Compromising the core and integrity of the YA genre is policing people's reading more than anti-Booktokers. Ugh. Things don't exist in a vacuum, and while we can pretend that Booktok only exists for sharing books and thoughts, the reality is that it's become a target to boost consumerism and is more of an industry (buying-selling-supply-demand kind of stuff) than we'd like to admit.

I guess the best way to go about this problem is to make noise about books you like - and not via Booktok. Check out your local library and request a book if they offer those services. Support authors who's books have to brave the upcoming year without being trope-y bullshit.

Thanks for the ask, again! They completely make my day, and I love answering them.

NOTE: I've finished writing all this and just found out that YA is actually 12-18. But my point still stands.

[starburstbubbleswitch]

MINORS OF THE TICKLE COMMUNITY!

Gather 'round if you please children, there is yet another announcement for you. Whether you read or not I can't control, but at least it's out there and ya hopefully realize we ain't trying to be jerks for no reason. ANYWAYS!

When we, the adults of the community, tell you "Do not interact/follow"(DNI/DNF) IT'S NOT BECAUSE WE ARE TRYING TO BE RUDE OR PUT A DAMPER ON YOUR ONLINE PRESENCE. It is 1000% a SAFETY ISSUE.

What some of y'all might not realize is that, interacting with adults this way can be SUPER HARMFUL in more ways than one. Let me explain:

1. POWER IMBALANCE:

Now I'm sure y'all have seen this a gazillion times over but may not fully understand what that means. As much as y'all may disagree and say "I don't bend to peer pressure so this doesn't apply to me." You're right, partially, because we aren't your peers. We are older, by society standards we are your elders, those you look up to and, like it or not, we are those you are swayed and influnced by. You try to fit in to appear grown or mature. I'll say it now:

Hang onto you're childhood for dear life because honey the struggle doesn't get easier just cuz you're older; quite honestly IMO it's worse because the consequences are worse and society has less sympathy for you. That phrase "They're just a kid" saves ya more than you know.

Anyways back on track here; with tickling, it IS an intimate thing, whether most believe so or not. Now I don't mean intimate as in "sex related". A lot of people try to slap "intimacy" and "sex" in the same box when intimacy itself is the umbrella subject and sex is a subcategory. Just because someone doesn't view tickling in a "arousing light" shall we say, does not negate the fact that it is INDEED an act of intimacy.

So this is clear: INTIMACY. IS. NOT. JUST. ABOUT. SEX.

DEFINITION OF INTIMACY:

Intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

While this may seem fairly innocent in definition, with online strangers you don't know and have never met, this can be highly dangerous for both parties.

2) LEGALITY ISSUES:

Minors y'all might not realize this, but if something happens to y'all because of "online interactions" with adults, y'all get abducted/run away/ just flat out disappear, we could end up on that suspect list.

We could be jailed and stuck on a "child predator" registry without even really talking to you. But because we didn't block you, or we might've been unaware of the fact we were talking to a minor when there's no age in your bio anywhere, or heck even if we were unaware ourselves of the intimacy/power imbalance issues, we are in the running for being someone that influnced you or could've taken you. Bottom line: WE COULD GET IN HUGE TROUBLE.

3) MENTAL HEALTH:

As I said before, we are adults and not your peers. Because of this factor, we could seriously influnce how you view yourself and how you let others treat you.

We could have a certain control over you and you wouldn't know, you could take it as someone just being friendly or someone who is finally treating you "like a grown up" and not think twice. They completely alter your thought process and self esteem without you being aware of it.

Obviously you could say "that's not everyone". Again you're right it's not everyone. But the problem is, you don't know which ones have nefarious and disgusting intentions and who doesn't. Your parents/guardians can protect you from a lot, but with most of y'all having cellphones/internet access from the time you're like 5 years old, there's not much they can do to protect you from the online world. So you need to protect yourselves and one way of doing that is not interacting with adults.

We know y'all just wanna be included and ya want validation that your not "a weird kid" for liking tickling or that you aren't "childish" by getting conformation from an online community or adults that like it as well. But in the end, stick to interacting with your peers for those things. I know it may not seem like a big deal when your friend on here is only 5 years older than you at 20 or that at 17 it doesn't seem like such a problem when your chatting with an 18 yr old but the reality is that, it is. It's a giant problem and can cause a world of hurt for all involved.

THIS GOES FOR THE ADULTS TOO, BUT MOST OF YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW AND IF YA DON'T, NOW YOU HAVE AN EXPLANATION TO DERIVE FROM.

So in summary:

MINORS: Don't interact with adults/ageless blogs

ADULTS: Don't interact with minors/ageless blogs

[diazache]

eddie's sexuality.

i don't think i've ever made an actual post about this and i do know that most of the fandom sees him as a fully gay man tm and i respect that -- i'm gonna follow my heart and say while i see him leaning more that way that's not exactly completely true.

i do not think eddie would ever fully put a label on himself, i think whoever he is with he leans more towards that just because that's what he has at the moment. he'll make comments about being gay, if that's the situation, but that's not him labeling himself that's more of an umbrella term for him.

eddie's repression and lack of knowledge. hm. i don't think he's stuffing it down and refusing to acknowledge it because it's bad for him and/or not possibly something that could be for him. he doesn't go gay = can't do that, in his head. the issue is eddie is doing that to everything else.

so, he doesn't even realize that there's something he could be missing. he's not even there with the gay thing. he's just never had the time ! he doesn't sit around and think about things like that, i really do think when he tells the priest that no offense he's straight he's telling his truth in that moment. because he's not thinking about it !

i think he quit ballroom dancing because his parents made it not fun for him anymore then was told okay, if that's how it's going to be then he needs to step up and be the man of the house. it was a punishment for quitting something they enjoyed him doing. and that was just the rest of his childhood. and that followed him into the rest of his life. he never got to figure out who he is and what he likes beyond basic hobbies because he just never had the time. he was told that was just how life was, to get over it and then over time he just adapted that concept to everything.

then he was married and had a kid as a kid himself. he joined the army because he didn't know how to be a person yet, then came back and shannon left and he had to step up when he wasn't ready, coming to la and being hit in the face with trauma after truama. all that is building up, all of it is a contributing factor to the reason he blows up his life. and he's just mentally ill. he's also demisexual and demiromantic, so he just does not fall for people the same way others typically do. i really do think his sexuality is fluid for him. he could be with a woman, femme presenting person, nb person or just not a Man tm and be happy and content once he gets himself out of this box he's already put himself in and doesn't know it. once he becomes unlabeled and content eddie. he doesn't have to be the man of the house, the failing husband and boyfriend, or the GOOD DAD thinking he needs to hold it all together so bad it sent him over the edge with dire consequences. him letting go of all that and getting to be is just be is so much more freeing to him than a label.

that's why everything with shannon is so complicated. if it was just that he was gay then it’d be much simpler for him, it would've been something he would've figured out a while ago i think. but he really was in love with her, or i guess in the way that you can be in love at that age and then all that happening.

i think eddie has a huge issue with the idea and concept vulnerability and intimacy in general. he knows he likes sex but he can't hook up with just anyone so then he also gets into a relationship and has no idea what he's doing at first. so while he knows that he likes sex, he does not know what he likes about sex, so once he learns, and he is a very quick leaner, that oh he is THRILLED. so yeah i don't know. i really do think eddie is just. unaware and unhappy with who he is, blowing up his life as a consequence of not slowing down, unable to let go of shannon, his all around mental health just being in shambles and having the world on his shoulders since ten as a punishment. it's all reasons why relationships don't work out for him, the sexuality aspect is only part of it but it is a pretty big part of it but not for the reasons you think !

[mayakern]

hello ! i know this blog is mainly for the store, but i Also am a big spitfire fan whos decided to try to learn to draw in my 30s lmao, so I'm curious — did you struggle with Being Bad At Art at first?? i know it's definitely a Learned Skill, but I'm....understandably terrible, since I JUST started, and I know I get discouraged easily when things don't come to me easily (part of why I'm challenging myself!) so I was just curious if you also struggled with it and if so, how you maybe fought against it. I've seen a couple artists I love talk about it, but you're a personal favorite so lmao

apologies as well if this comes across as intrusive or if you just don't wanna talk about it, which are both fair! i just thought I'd ask 🥰

first off, i’m so happy to hear how much you love spitfire! i’m always happy to get spitfire messages, i just haven’t been posting as much content for it because i’m busy editing and, well, that’s not so easy to show off haha

also this blog isn’t dedicated to any one of my pursuits, it’s just kind of where i put all my stuff (to some people’s dismay and others’ enjoyment)

ANYWAY onto the real question: yes. i think almost everyone struggles with issues of skill and inferiority regardless of their field of study and their skill level.

i first started drawing when i was around 5 and while i don’t have any art i can share from that age, i do have a time capsule of my work that goes all the way back to like 2004 or 2005. i was like 13-14 at this point so i’d already been drawing for like 9 years so this isn’t my starting point, but even still you’ll be able to see a big evolution in my work.

and ironically, the time when i felt worst about my work isn’t when i first started, or even as a teen. it was right around 2013, after i graduated from college and simultaneously had had my first really huge increase in online audience and when i was trying to find an art job. there are other contributing factors, like over all mental health, but how you feel about your work does not directly correlate with skill level.

learning anything new is a humbling and vulnerable pursuit and it’s easy to get discouraged. drawing is an exercise in training both your eye and your hand: training your eye to see more keenly so you can make good judgements in your work, and training your hand’s muscle memory.

[spookfished]

media roundup sep 2024

hello! havent done these in a while. im currently "extremely unemployed" lol well see if i go back and do any of the previous months i skipped ㄟ( ▔, ▔ )ㄏ i think its nice to force myself to summarize my thoughts like this

BOOKS: the tyrant baru cormorant by seth dickinson: most recent book in the masquerade series, which is a thriller (?) about the mechanics of empire. dude this book was so great. no notes. there were some incredibly gratifying payoffs in here and some craaazy twists. idk i wish i had something more to say i just thought it was really really good im glad that baru gets to have some good things as well as bad. of course, seth dickinson has amazing prose and the ending was so like, uplifting? and inspiring? i was very surprised lol

when the angels left the old country by sacha lamb: queer jewish immigrant YA, apparently for fans of good omens. an angel and a demon from a small, small town go to america to track down one of the town's mising daughters. despite neither being a gomens fan (although i did read it) nor jewish, i really enjoyed this! it has a dreamy, fairytale, eva ibbotson-like tone to it that made it a pleasure to read, despite the somewhat foreboding topic (let's all have a fun time on ellis island while visibly jewish!) the stories of the humans and the non-humans feel equally important, but i really especially enjoyed the way the angel changed over time as a response to the world it saw. its just a really nice book :3

long live evil by sarah rees brennan: villainess isekai, but western tradpub. a woman dying from cancer at a young age is given the chance to live again--as a two-bit floozy villainess the day before her execution?! how will rae find a way out? and how well, really, does she remember the time of iron? sarah rees brennan is sort of a comfort author to me; in other lands meant a Lot to me as a mentally ill teenager. all the same, i almost dropped this book during the first couple of chapters. in my opinion, this book has a REALLY rough start that evened out into a ride that i enjoyed quite a bit despite many other factors. while some parts of the part are clearly deeply personal (this is the author's first book published after recovering from late stage cancer), it also has a tendency to hammer in its points over and over again and undercuts too many serious moments with quippy dialogue in a way that deflates tension rather than increasing it. also, one b-couple takes clear inspiration from one of her previous works (but this time more #toxic --they kill each other in time of iron) and as a result unfortunately outshines the main couple at times, who also have to share screentime with a huge cast that often feels improperly balanced. but also, i thought the main couple was pretty cute, actually! the ending twist, while not unpredictable (and also very, uh, danmei?) was also very enjoyable and nice to let creep up on you. i feel like i'm being more strict with it than i am with a lot of villainess isekai i read though, haha… i agree with ineedacatchyname's review of it (and a lot of these thoughts just echo theirs. woops!)--a lot of this could be fixed with a bit more editing, but ultimately i spent the second half unable to put it down and i'm still going to read the sequel.

against football by steve almond: fairly short nonfiction. one diehard football fan's searing condemnation of the state of american football today (and what we could do to make it better). this was recommended to me by megafaunatic, and i really enjoyed it :3 i come from a pretty "ugh, sportsball" type of family, and so it was really interesting to see why people love watching football (especially a team as "wretched" as the former oakland raiders) as well as playing it--but also how the continuation of football in its current state is pretty much inexcusable (one bright side is that division i graduation rates have actually gone up quite a bit since this book was published in 2016!) id easily recommend to both football fans and non-fans.

GAMES: pikmin bloom: pikmin bloom is a game about walking around, growing pikmin, and planting virtual flowers. i didnt play this game for a while bc i was like "well, its pokemon go but with pikmin -_-" and like. it is. but niantic has also taken the opportunity to overhaul a lot of its base game mechanics with a focus on actually getting you to GO OUTSIDE and WALK AROUND, which i think is to its benefit! like, yeah it actually did get me to go on some walks when i wouldnt have otherwise. the microtransactions kinda suck but as long as youre willing to kill your darlings (pikmin) its fine i think. < guy with a very high deathcount in pikmin 3 and 4

return of the obra dinn: stylized mystery game about unpacking what happened in a scaaary voyage by seeing the moment surrounding the crewmembers' deaths. dude. this game is so fucking good. it was like everyones goty in 2018 and as soon as i finished it i was like "i wish i could get hit in the head so i could play it again." imo, its a really good game to play as a group (with one person driving) bc so much of the gameplay takes place outside of the game--deducing, speculating, etc and it's really fun to do that as a conversation with someone else! the game does a good job of disincentivizing random guessing--when i played this game with my family, we did guess on a couple but it was almost always a 50-50 "choice A or choice B". and the game can (apparently) be completed without any chance guesswork whatsoever! can be a little gory at times, but its all in this sort of dithery monochrome style so you don't really think about it until you're walking to the bathroom in the halflit moonlight and youre kinda like hey this kinda looks like return of the obra dinn haha. wait. anyways play this game!!

unpacking: cute little game about unpacking/moving in during the various phases of one person's life. probably a masterclass in "environmental storytelling" that invites you into making your own stories for our unseen protagonist while also providing these understated beautiful little moments of understanding. also, it was really theraputic getting everything perfectly placed in order when i currently live in a very messy house ;-_-

umineko chapter 2: ahhh year of umineko 2024 continues. im definitely not finishing the whole game this year (lol) but i might end up finishing the question arcs at least..? anyways ive been lbing this the whole time (#year of the seacat 2024 for blacklist) but man this was pretty harsh compared to the first episode. it even makes battler break down..! i was secretly wondering how it was going to try and turn around my opinion on rosa, but, well, i still really dont like her. has bright points in more beatrice!!! the introduction of the meta, some ???really horny??? parts and the [You are incompetent] scene. also, everyone seems to really hate george for some reason but i feel like i still dont get it.

SHOWS:

the decameron: drama about fucking and dying in black plague-era italy, and a villa meant to be a getaway from it all. in high school i wanted to read the decameron because it was mentioned in theatre of coolty--just so you know, this is nothing like it. its just really fun! and full of light intrigue and twists and reveals and tragedy. a lot of the plague-based humor hit in some pretty uncomfortable places, which the showrunners were definitely going for. neifile and panfilo hands down had my favorite relationship.

witch from mercury: revolutionary girl gundam?? this is how everyone pitched it to me, which honestly put me off a little bit. wfm is clearly aware and respectful of its predecessors but also takes the first episode to go "nah were going to do something a little different though." like, its kind of like instead of tackling rape culture it decided to tackle the military industrial complex instead ? ? i guess?? it seems like a good entry point into gundam for many (including me!) i enjoyed the first season very fun and currently watching the second. looking forward to seeing how sick and twisted things can get

in terms of music ive been listening to a lot of zerobaseone.. every time were in the car together neil is like lets listen to yurayura and im like yessss. yurayuraa oh ive also been listening to counter//weight while driving but im not going to include it bc its been slow going lol. all my thoughts about it so far is like "this is the thing neil really likes"

anyways if you got to the end or skimmed or whatever, thanks for reading! hope u have a good one.