#I should write instead of procrastinating but procrastinating is so much easier

[aphroditestearsofjoy]

🌸 𝐆𝐮𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐲𝐥𝐞

I've been active in the self-care community for a little bit and read lots of books about lifestyle. There is already a lot of lovely advice on this app, but there are some important aspects I haven't seen and some aspects I don't think are as important. I hope this helps some people to accomplish their dream lifestyle!  But in all honesty, I do mainly write this as a list and reminder for myself. This is going to take quite some time to read, but I promise you, it will be worth it. 

Before you read everything, I want to remind you that this is a long list of healthy habits. That does not mean you need to follow everything to be "that" version of ourselves, we need to be realistic. It's kind of like vegetables. Vegetables are healthy, and you should eat them, but you don't need to eat all the vegetables that exist in order to be healthy. You eat the vegetables that you like and align with your lifestyle. So follow the tips that you like and align with your lifestyle! 

𝕄𝕚𝕟𝕕𝕤𝕖𝕥

This is one of the most important parts of a healthy lifestyle. I have a lot to say here and on most other parts of this post so if you want to know more, just let me know!

💭Because I am mindset - this is one of the most important things you need to learn! If you want to feel loved, good enough, pretty (Or all because that is what you deserve) or anything else, the only thing you need to do is change the way you think. 

For a moment, I want you to think and answer this question to me: "Why are you good enough?" If you answered with your accomplishments, looks or anything that is not "Because I am me, and I am good enough." you are wrong. This may sound weird because in the self-care community we are taught that in order to be successful we need to have things like a morning routine, a bedtime and always need to take care of ourselves. While these are things that can improve your life, they do not make you any more deserving of love and care. If you let your happiness depend on anything but the fact that you are here and that you deserve it, you will always be unhappy. Even if you don't feel it now, the moment you feel overwhelmed and are unable to make up to your reasoning on why you are good enough, you feel depressed and undeserving. So the moment you don't do your task, you feel like you are incapable and not good enough. All because we base our self-worth on our actions instead of ourselves. You are putting yourself through so much unnecessary stress when doing that. You deserve better than that.

Let me repeat it out loud for you: "I am not doing my morning routine, am I still good enough?" YES, because you are you, and you are good enough. 

💭 Stop procrasiating - This is a hard one for me, since it is something I still struggle with to this day. But it is sososo important. You probably already know what you need to do to improve your life. Of course, you don't know everything, but you don't need to. A lot of things will come in your way when you are actually doing it, and you can't try out everything at once. But when you think about it, you find it easier to procrastinate than to actually do things. There can be so many reasons for that.

Stop watching so much content on YouTube and Tumblr on self-improvement if you are not going to do anything with it! This is a very easy way to procrastinate. Because you convince yourself that you are being productive, because everytime you watch content with new good advice you get an ephifhany. You are not going to do anything with the information, go watch a Netflix show, you will probably enjoy that more. You already know what to do, so go and do it, keep interacting with content that inspires you and learns you new things about self-care to try out, but don't use it as an excuse.

Let me tell you these very harsh words: If you're not going to start doing it in the next 24 hours, it's better to give up on it now. You don't have to do everything in those 24 hours, but set the first few steps. If you really want it, you should start acting like it. There is no perfect time to start, the only time you need is time to practise and exerience it!

💭 Be gratefull - We are so blessed. Even when going through hard times, there is still a lot of beauty to life. When looking at the news nowadays, it's very easy to get caught up in an overwhelming feeling of sadness or pain. Or with social media, it can be hard to see our own beauty when we see this overidealized picture of a model.

There is a last very important reason why you should practise gratefulness. And it's selective observation. We as humans think, see, feel, hear and smell a lot. Way too much for our brain to properly comprehend. Because of this, our brain will focus on certain things. These things may differ for everyone. But what we interact with a lot, we get used to. So, by interacting with positive thoughts and by appreciating ourselves and the world around us, we will notice these positive and pretty things. 

There are 2 ways I bring positivity and gratefulness into my life. The first one is one you've probably heard alot about: Writing down 3 positive things at the end of the day. I do this but also add a morning exercise, where I specifically write down 3 positive things about myself or my opportunities! The second thing I recently started doing is being aware of your surroundings. I got inspiration from a drawing on tumblr I found not so long ago. Instead of going on my phone when I need to wait for a while or putting on music when cycling to school, I sometimes just try to look around me and appreciate everything I see. When I do this, I  call out my appreciation in my head. I look around and think "Wow, the way that bird looks is just so magical; it looks happy and at peace." or even "The color of that mailbox suits the house so much." It helps me appreciate the little things.

💭 Protect your energy -

In the end, we are the ones responsible for our own wellbeing. Of course, we can partly depend on others, like our friends, family, our partner or even a stranger. But just as your priority is your own happiness, theirs should be their happiness too. That does not mean you can do what you want whenever you want without caring about other people. But by this I am implying that you should stop pleasing people and listen to what you want. Of course, you want to avoid toxic people and situations in general. But when you do get in touch with them, you can lay responsibility to them and wait for them to change or take responsibility by making your problem clear and distancing yourself from them and the situation if needed. 

Another way of protecting your energy i by being in tune with your emotions. Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully, write them down if needed, talk to people if needed, scream them out if needed, but always give them the space they need. Also learn when to take a step back so that you don't hurt others while feeling an overwhelming number of emotions. 

Take enough time for self-care. I would recommend making time for it in your routine. But also do it when you need it or feel like it. This is the only body and soul you've got, so you had better take care of it. Do this by eating things that fuel your body and that you like, drinking herbal teas, taking a bath and meditating (more o that later). It can be anything as long as it relaxes the body and mind. Personally, I like to keep 1 day a week to myself in which I fully focus on the needs of my mind and soul.

💭 Curiousity made the cat wiser - Curiosity should always be cherished. Curiosity is what makes us human, curiosity is what gives us the power to wake up and see what the day has got in store for us, curiosity is what keeps us busy and entertained. One of my favorite quotes on curiosity is from Plutarch: "The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." It beautifully explains how knowledge feeds our brain and keeps us alive and warm while we should also take care of it.

You should always strive to learn new things every day. It feeds our brain, so that it can function properly. Not only that, ir keeps us entertained. Some things that I'm studying in my free time are:languages (German, Korean and a little bit of Italian). I started learning how to program and i just generally read a lot.

ℙ𝕙𝕪𝕤𝕚𝕔𝕒𝕝

💭 Workout - There are a lot of benefits to exercise. A few of my favorites are: 

They make you happy (exercising stimulates the brain to release serotonin, this is known as the feel good hormone. It uplifts and stabilizes your mood but is also important for social behavior, memory, learning and appetite.)

It can help control weight (Because exercise can burn fat or help you gain muscle, it can either help you lose or gain weight.)

Getting enough weekly exercise prevents a lot of diseases (like strokes, metabolic syndrome, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, depression, anxiety, many types of cancer and arthritis.)

It improves your daily energy levels (It boosts your endurance and improves your lung and heart health so that you have more energy throughout your day.)

It can improve your sleep (When you exercise your body releases endorphins. Studies have shown that these endorphins prevent sleep problems and limit sleep quality disturbances. They reduce sleepiness during the day so that you are more sleepy at night.)

Now we need to find out how much exercise you need. I would recommend getting at least 30 minutes of exercise a day (except for your rest days). But this might be different based on your goals, the intensity of the sport, how many times a week you exercise, age and disabilities. So do your research! Get at least 1 day rest a week, but getting 2/3 would also work depending on your schedule. You don't have to go to the gym! You can do home workouts (HIIT, yoga, pilates, muscle, just search it up on YouTube), go for a run outside, join a sports club (like tennis, hockey, football or dance). 

💭 Sitting - Maybe you've already heard about it. But sitting is the new smoking. It is one of the biggest health problems nowadays and responsible for way more deaths than you probably think. 

Sitting for a long period of time can be very harmful. The average person in the UK sits for about 70 hours a week with only 2 hours of exercise. Comparing that to 20 years ago, we sat (on average) 3 more hours a day. Research states that prolonged periods of sitting have been linked to cancer, Alzheimer's disease, obesity, heart disease, poor cholesterol profiles, type-2 diabetes and asteoporosis. Sitting too much in a non-active posture without movement also comes with the risks of weakening our muscles and thinning our bones, reducing digestive health and depressive symptoms.

After hearing all those negative consequences, I am so happy to share that these are easily preventable. By taking short breaks while sitting for a long period of time, you allow your blood to fully circulate, and it can already heavily impact your consequences. An easy way to do this is to put a glass next to you while studying/ working, so that you have to take a short walk to fill the glass up again. I would not recommend doing this if you know it will make you avoid drinking water or if you are at a library. Another important way to prevent the harm that comes from sitting is having 30 minutes of physical exercise daily. Try to go on a daily walk and do stretch and yoga exercises or any sport of your choice. The best thing about this one is that if you don' t reach your goal one day, you could catch up later in the week. As long as you get 3 hours and 30 minutes of physical exercise a week, you are good. If this is to much for you, you could also try 20 minutes daily, but I would recommend 30. Last but not least, try to better your posture while sitting. Make sure your spine follows it's natural curve and when possible try to sit in an "active sitting pose". Please invest in good chairs, so that when you sit, the consequences are still minimal. 

Little reminder that you should not be scared of sitting. Sitting is not a problem, even when you do it a lot. But sitting for long periods of time without an active lifestyle and/ or having breaks in between the periods of sitting is very harmful.

💭 Food - At the moment, I am working on a post where I will talk about having a healthy diet. In that post I will talk more about eating specifically for your needs. And with that I will only share some basic tips on here that (in my eyes) are a necessity for everyone. 

The most important tip I can give anyone in terms of eating is focusing on a healthy microbioe (a more detailed post will be coming on this). The microbiom is the fingerprint of our gut system. Our microbiom is in direct contact with your brain. Having a healthy microbiom has an influence on your skin, health, feelings, stress, mental illness and lots of other things. Because of this, it got the nickname "Second brain".  The basics of having a healthy microbiom is eating enough fiber. For the average woman, the minimum is 30g a day and for the average man, 40g. Again, this is the bare minimum to keep our microbiom alive. The second one is eating a wide variety of plants: species, vegetables, fruit, beans, herbs, everything that comes from a plant. It is recommended to eat at least 30 different types of plants a week to make sure your microbiom is healthy. The last tip is fermented foods. These are the best treats for a healthy gut. It is good to mention that your microbiom does not need fermented foods to survive, but your gut will love you if you try to eat them more.

Try not to eat too much sugar. Eating more than the recommended amount may cause weight gain, acne and increased chances of heart disease, cancer and getting depression. The average woman should not consume more than 25 grams a day and the average man 36 grams a day. Please do not live by this principle. If you eat 40 grams of sugar one day, it will not kill you, and it won't make you any less perfect or disciplined. But try to swap out a big handful of candy, for a few pieces of candy with some veggies, fruit and nuts on the side. I personally prefer snacking on fruits and vegetables because my body feels better after eating them and I find them more tasty. You can pair vegetables with some humus or a yogurt and herb dip. 

Don't over or under eat. The easiest way to start with this is to eat fulfilling meals. Eat meals that keep you full by eating veggies, fiber and protein. Eat at least 3 meals a day and maybe a few small snacks.(I personally eat 1 or 2 depending on the day). If you have trouble with overeating, you could try asking yourself the question "Why am I eating this?" If the reason is not because you are hungry, you need to try and let it go. Sometimes you are allowed to listen to your craving, especially if you have learned to keep a balance with it. But if the foods are very rich in sugars or fat, I would use the method stated above and try adding things to balance the meal out and that fuels your body enough to not want to snack more. If you tend to under-eat, I would recommend eating a lot of small portions throughout the day. Although I would normally recommend 3 filling meals a day, I would change that to about 6 smaller balanced meals. Even though these are smaller meals, please try to get your daily nutrients. They are what keep you running. So try to make sure that most meals involve fiber, veggies or fruit, a bit of protein, carbohydrates and fats.

ℍ𝕪𝕘𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕖/ 𝕃𝕠𝕠𝕜𝕤

💭 Skincare - I am not going to say too much about skincare because it is clearly not my strong suit, since I still struggle with acne a LOT. But i recently found out my pores get clogged very easily and a lot (once again it will suprise you) of skincare products have pore clogging ingredients. i use this tool to check on pore clogging ingredients and with the help of that have now created a new skincare routine. I have been using it for less than a week, but I think my skin has already improved a lot (but i could also be delusional). If I find out th methods and research I've done is working now, I will tell you more about it. Until then there are a few tips I would recommend.. Invest in sunscreen. It will help against hyperpigmentation and will minimize signs of aging in the long term. Don't make your routine too complicated. Try to find a simple cleanser, moisturizer and sunscreen. You don't need much more because your skin can do most of the hydration and cleaning itself. If you have skin issues, I would recommend trying 1 toner or serum with an ingredient (do your research) against that. Most of the time, you won't need more. If you do, you can always add from there. 

If you have any skin issues that won't go away after all that you can talk to your GP, and they could prescribe you something. This is what I am considering, if what I am trying now won't work.

💭 Haircare - The most important information I will give to you is to find out your hair type. Once you've gained this knowledge, you can search for products that match your hair type. Once again, if you want a more elaborate guide on how to find out your hair type and what products will work for you, let me know!I would also really recommend using hair oil! You can either use a single oil, buy a premixed one or mix a few yourself. Different oils also serve different purposes. The most popular ones are:

Coconut oil - For repairing damaged hair.

Avocado oil - For shinier hair.

Rosemary oil - For hair growth.

Tea Tree Oil: For treating dandruff. 

I heat the oil up by putting a small bowl with the oil I will use in a bigger bowl with hot water.I put the oil on my scalp a few hours before showering and massage it in for at least 5 minutes. I would strongly recommend watching a Indian tutorial, because I stole all my methods from them. Try to invest in a microfiber towel to dry your hair. A normal towel can damage your hair and makes it less soft (in my experience). The last general tip I have is to wear a protective hairstyle to bed. Either braid it or put it up in a bun. This way, you will wake up with way better hair. An alternative to this is using a silk bonnet. That will keep your hair so soft and pretty. 

💭 Fashion - I feel my best and most comfortable when I feel pretty. In order to accomplish the style you want and look pretty, you can follow these 4 steps: 

Clean out your closet. Sell or donate clothes that you don't like or wear. While doing this, try to look for reasons why you don't like that piece of clothing. That way, you learn to understand your preferences better. 

Learn about your body type and what looks good on you. Of course, you don' t have to limit yourself to only wearing the things recommended, but it is a very easy guideline to help your outfits feel more balanced. While keeping this in mind, you can start playing around with fitting and find combinations that also look good on you, but it is important to understand what different sleeve types and lengts do to your proportions so that it's easier to adjust an outfit to your preference.

Make a pinterest board! Make a pinterest board dedicated to style and make sure to add at least 30 pins. Then you can look for similarities between the pictures you've saved. Please for the love of god, don't follow fast fashion brands. Of course, it's good to get inspired by trends, but it's so incredibly wasteful to buy and trow away clothing time and time again and its also not good for your wallet. 

The last step is to make a list of the things you need to add to your closet. You DON'T have to buy an entirely new warderobe. Look at the things you already have in your closet and write down a list of items you can add in order to increase those items. Try to start out with jewelry and a pair of shoes in your style and look for a few tops, dresses and bottoms. But the accessories are truly the most important, so try to invest in some good quality accessories, because they can make or break an outfit.

A good tip to help you not overconsume is to only buy something when you can style it in 3 ways for 3 different occasions. This way you make sure that you will actually use it!

💭 Carry yourself like a god(ess) - Your posture is so so so important! Is doesn't only influence how other see you, but also how you see yoursel (and if you've read my part about sitting, you've read that's also important for good health).

Your body language reflects what you think, but the opposite is also true. By standing in a powerpose you will start feeling more confident.

Make sure your spine holds its natural curve, your shoulders are relaxed end rolled back. When standing put your feet apart a little, so you stand stronger.

A good pose to practice standing confidently is the so called "superwoman pose". Put your feet apart, look straight forward, ball your fists and putt them on your hips. Standing like this for even 2 minutes will improve your confidence. I do this when I feel really stressed about a presentation or test (not in the middle of the classroom ofcourse, I will either do it in the bathroom, before coming to school or during the break).

ℍ𝕒𝕓𝕚𝕥𝕤

💭 Drinking water -The average woman should consume about 2.7 liters of water a day and the average man 3.7 liters. About 20% of this should come from your food. So, the average woman should drink about 2.16 liters of water and the average man about 2.96 liters of water. It is important to drink your water in order to stay healthy, get rid of waste in your body and keep your temperature normal.

💭 Hobbies - Having a hobby that we enjoy brings us joy and enriches our lives. It helps us learn new skills, de-stresses us, gives you new perspectives, prevents wasting time and learns you patience. A hobby can be found everywhere. It can be collecting something; a sport, singing, reading, programming, knitting, sewing, playing an instrument, baking, cooking and even making tea.

💭 Meditation -  One of the keys to having a happy, calm and balanced life is meditation. Meditation reduces stress, promotes your mental health, helps with learning, kindness and forgiveness, lengthens your attention span (I, for a fact, know most people need this with people's social media use nowadays.) It helps with being self-aware and there have been studies that showed that it has some impact on your physical health (we don't know on which level yet) and that it can prevent age related memory loss. You can start out with breathing exercises and work your way up to guided meditation and, if you are ready for it, meditate regularly. Don't give up, it will take some time to really get into and to get the results you want.

💭 Morning routine - A good morning routine sets you up for a good day. It helps you with getting in the right mindset and with starting the day in a relaxed way. Make sure you get your needed sleep hours. This will be different for everyone. But for teenagers, the average is between 8 and 10 hours and for adults, 8 hours is recommended. It is also good to note that women tend to multitask more during the day and, averagely speaking, need about 20 minutes more sleep than men. I would recommend a set time for your alarm every day. By doing this you will get into a good rhythm which will help you fall asleep, and you know for sure you are getting your needed hours. Everyone likes different things in their morning. Some things that are an absolute staple to me are, and I can't start off my day on a good note without them: Drinking some water immediately after waking up (helps me with waking up), meditating, journaling for 5 minutes, making my bed, doing skincare and having a nourishing breakfast. Chose the things that you find important. If you struggle with doing everything on bad days, you could always make a routine for good days, okay days and bad days. When you wake up, you get to choose which one you will do. This might make it less overwhelming. 

💭 Night routine - Most things have already been said when I talked about morning routines. My night routine is easier than my morning routine, because at the end of the day I have difficulty winding down, and a plan makes it less overwhelming to start. My staples for my night routine are: making sure my room is clean, packing my bag for next day (if needed), my journal for 5 minutes, brushing teeth and skincare. If I don't feel like sleeping yet, I will read in my bed or do a very calming yoga session. 

💭 Organize - I, for one, have quite some difficulty with staying organized. But while speaking with my coach at school he reminded me of the importance of organization. Even if you are not aware of it, the things you still need to do, take up a lot of space in your head. It's way more convenient to just write it in your agenda immediately, make a planner with everything you need to do, make a list of everything that bothers you. You need to stop wasting energy on being de-organized. This will also ensure that you don't miss out on anything. This also goes for your living/ work space. A cluttered workspace will clutter your mind!

𝕋𝕚𝕡𝕤

Some small tips I want to give you before ending this post. <3

💭 Phone/ social media - In order for you to have the best day and sleep, you should not use ur phone for a hour after waking up or before going to sleep. In general, you should minimize your use of social media. I would really recommend listening to this great Ted talk about the worth of a social media app. Because of this Ted talk I realized how much time I was wasting on social media. With all of that time, I can do so much, learn so much, go on so many adventures. Your phone is also really addictive, and you should take that addiction seriously. Phone addiction is a dopamine addiction, because of this. Because life will seem boring. If you want to feel alive and happy, don't overuse your phone and make clear boundaries with yourself. Try to live in the moment, not on your phone. 

💭 Sustainable energy -  I will make a more detailed post about this, because it is one of the things that helped me most. But the concept is very simple: learn to differentiate the things that give you energy and take your energy. And use that as a guide to help you fill your day. Studying is something that takes me a lot of energy. When I feel like my energy is getting low, I take a break after finishing the next task and go meditate or take a walk. This way you can keep thriving the entire day!

💭 Journaling - I would recommend journaling to anyone. There will always be a type of journal that suits you, so please look into it!I personally have 3 journals, I use one for journaling exercises, one for my morning & evening checkups and one is my coomonplace journal. A commonplace journal is a journal in which you write down anything that you learn. It helps you with remembering, but it's also easy to look things back up! 

English isn't my first language, so if there are any mistakes, please correct me. Although I am not very happy with how this post turned out out, I will still post it because I worked really hard on this. I hope my writing and presentation will improve next post. Lots of love and kisses! 💗

Be sure to like comment and reblog!

If you like my content, consider buying me a book. <3

Love Pearl 🐚

[auraworkshop]

Hello Aura!! Aaaa, okay. I’m not here to write a success story yet! But to ask if I’m as close as I felt just a couple of moments ago.

So, I found about the void, the I AM, the golden state, aaaall of it a couple of months ago and I went through probably all the stages of someone trying to get the life of their dreams.

Overconsumption, doubt, and spurts of obsessive motivation that honestly took me nowhere. I have ADHD so the methods where I had to close my eyes, stay still and affirm never did a thing for me. I’d do them, six minutes at most would pass and I’d feel like a failure.

Procrastination got a hold of me and I’d feel more motivated to script and write what I wanted than actually go and try to get it because part of me knew I’d last very little. I tried yoga nidra, hypnosis and subliminals with very little progress and most likely because of my own laziness because in my mind if I was so powerful then why did I have to try so much. I have to mention I’ve used subliminals in the past and I’ve gotten little to no results so at night I’d cry and ask what is wrong with me. Since I know they work and the law is real.

Yesterday I came across a couple of posts with ADHD friendly methods where they say to let your mind wander and to let it do its thing. Plus others saying to mentally listen to music? But that’s not what I did.

I made a playlist of songs that wouldn’t bore me and I wouldn’t feel inclined to change the song. in total an hour or so. I knew if stayed still enough my body would be numb, I wouldn’t feel my fingers, my toes, etc.

If I concentrated in the songs instead of how tedious it is to stay still then it’d be easier for me.

I didn’t know if this was the floaty feeling everyone talks about until I decided to look into the black of my eyelids and try to see beyond that while affirming. my void is full of stars so I started to affirm they were slowly appearing and suddenly I did feel like my body was lifting up from my bed and numbness extended through my whole body including my face. Pins and needles like when your arm falls asleep, some of my muscles tensed and my heart started pounding for a second, I kept affirming but the song playing plus the excitement of feeling something overwhelmed me and I started to go back.

I paused the playlist and went to listen to epsilon waves and affirm but the idea of waiting for everything to happen again overwhelmed and frustrated me.

Was I close? How should I go forward? I sorta need advice directed at my situation because I can’t relate to most void posts.

Thank you for your time!!

I can relate to this so much. Trying various methods for so long with no result yet people were out there telling me that I must keep persisting. But I just didn't understand how to persist through the frustration of getting no result. It was only when I let go of this desire and I stopped caring about anything that anything and everything happened in the best way. I cannot even think of a single method that I followed to enter the void. I just stopped caring and let my mind wander.

You've already experienced a shift within your state of consciousness if you have reached a stage where you were listening to music and letting your body go numb. You need to let yourself flow without overthinking or overloading yourself. That is why it is important to start small because the feeling of going to the void state will come in fragments at first. That's just how the state of consciousness manifests itself. Let your mind wander and flow. Do not limit yourself with doubts of why it is taking so much time or why it's not working because that is exactly what it is, trust the process.

Everything you just experienced is a confirmation that you are exactly where you need to be. It is not a coincidence that you suddenly felt pins and needles throughout your whole body. This means exactly that your consciousness has started expanding, you've gone beyond your ordinary state.

You do not have to wait for it to happen again because you are already experiencing it. What you should be doing right now is continue with the process but you are going to be more patient. Be mindful and observe that which has changed in your perception, be aware of the subtle shifts ! 🤍

[noodledesk]

been doing some new year planning, so thought i should document a little and share how i like to plan out my years :) MUCH more detail under the cut 🌱💗 and a free template here if you like to use notion for this stuff!

overview 🌱

there are a couple of principles behind why i do this kind of yearly planning in one spot:

awareness — keeping yourself accountable for the goals you set at the beginning of the year

documentation — writing down stuff you’ve done so you can see what progress youve made towards goals. fun to look at

planning — makes it easier to plan your weeks and to be more intentional with how you’re spending time and enjoying life

how it works ✨

my yearly pages are sorted into a "goals" section, and a "records" section. one is forward looking, one is reflecting on stuff that's happened. i usually revisit this page at least once a month.

It doesn't have to be on Notion, but I prefer using a digital tool so things are easy to access. Paper-based is totally fine -- whatever works for you. The main point is to have a structure. Additionally, I don't really need to accomplish my goals, as long as I'm working towards them. However, setting ambitious goals for myself helps me make progress, and gets me excited about working towards them :)

goals 🌻

Whenever I have an idea of something I want to do, I put it down as a goal in this database. But my rule for myself is that, at any given time, I can only have five goals that I can focus on. I give myself double that amount as goals to maintain, to work towards them but without dedicating as much time to them. Then I have idle goals that I want to keep in my head and to work towards when I have the time and energy to, but otherwise don't make any real plans towards them.

After setting my goals (which are not time-bound, i.e. I don't have a specific deadline to achieve them), I set yearly milestones for the ones I want to focus on. These have an end-of-year deadline, and must be measurable so I can work towards them in a tangible way. Then I break the goal into 12 parts, so I have a measurable milestone to work towards each month. Each month, I look at my goal and divide it into weeks, so I know what I'd like to accomplish that week. I keep it pretty open-ended and flexible because life happens and is unpredictable.

I have other goals that I don't focus on as much. They're still important to me, but I want to prioritize the others. To avoid procrastinating and thinking about goals instead of working towards them, I've decided to keep it simple this year.

records ✍️

the next section is about writing things that made the year good — it’s a joy to look back on them every time i open the page and reminds me that there is a lot of joy in every day life, beyond just accomplishing stuff. every month i usually write down what i can think of under the following areas (keeping a diary helps for this):

i’m glad for: people, experiences, accomplishments, things, game changers — things that made your year really awesome

things i’ve been obsessed with — makes it fun to look at the things that took up a lot of your brain space

important things i learned & mistakes i made — for your realizations, understandings. over a year you’ll see how you’ve grown and changed.

that's pretty much it! hope it helps :)

[painsandconfusion]

LOVE you writing. your descriptions are always so visceral - how do you do that? do you have a slideshow tutorial? /hj

Buckle up because I take everything seriously and am procrastinating bar prep again. 

(tw for stabbing / blood / knife / gore because that's how I do)

Writing Vivid Descriptions 101

.

Let’s build up a description. We'll work on just one sentence and walk through what to pay attention to and how to make it come alive. Let’s start with something simple-

A stabbed B.

Neat. Fun. We always like a good stabbing - but just saying it doesn’t do much. We need a visual here. So.

A stabbed B in the stomach, and they started to bleed.

 Nice! We have a location now, as well as some color. A little bit of motion in the ‘bleeding’ aspect since gravity is a thing. I’m gonna push that a little further now and follow that movement...

A stabbed B in the stomach, and they started to bleed through their shirt and down their jeans.

Better. It’s more dynamic now.

But do you know what I like? Personification. Whenever humanly possible, I like to let the indirect and direct objects in the sentence become subject nouns. So instead of ‘they started to bleed’ - let's let the blood be its own thing. Remove ‘B’ from the equation entirely in that part of the sentence.

A stabbed B in the stomach, and blood bled through their shirt and down their jeans. 

Better - more dynamic yet. But let’s clean that up a bit so it’s not redundant. 

While I’m at it - let’s also add a smidgen of texture by swapping out for some more evocative verbs, nouns, and adding a couple adjectives in that half of the sentence.

A stabbed B in the stomach, and thick, oily crimson seeped through their shirt, bleeding down their jeans.

That’s already worlds better. And I didn't really do anything except toss in a couple adjectives.

But you know how we made ‘blood’ the subject noun before? Make it ‘do’ the bleeding instead of B? What if we’re keeping the attention focused on the threat? Not A - right now, the more frightening thing is the knife.

And we haven’t even mentioned the knife yet.

So let’s toss that in as a noun and let it carry some of the weight of the action. Let’s see the knife doing things and making the blood come…

A’s knife stabbed B in the stomach, dragging thick, oily crimson seeping through their shirt and bleeding down their jeans.

Dear goodness, do you see how much better that is compared to the starting sentence? 

Lovely.

Something fun about adding dynamics and layers of personification and visuals is that the sentence length also adds to pacing. It’s much easier to process something as visceral as a stabbing as you should when the sentence is just three words long. So, drag it out. Get in all those gorey little details.

Let’s add a couple more of those details to the first part - we've been just working on the second half of the sentence, let's catch the first up to speed. 

I’m gonna do the same thing as above with the personification angle, but tone it down a little - just bringing attention to B’s flesh instead of treating them as a whole unit. The more specific the description, the easier it is for your reader to hone in on that one body part - and hopefully - convince them just a liiiiiiiittle bit that they’re feeling that pain, too.

A’s knife ripped slowly through the soft flesh of B’s abdomen, dragging thick, oily crimson seeping through their shirt and bleeding down their jeans.

Alright. At this point, we’re doing pretty darn good.

I’d call it quits here for most things.

But.

If you wanna take it a step further and scrub in a little dissociation, you can also hide the subject noun (the knife or A in this case) and focus entirely on what this feels like. 

The best way I’ve found to do this is to show involuntary movement, sounds, and slightly ‘wrong’ descriptions. Like the blood being warm and wet instead of red. Their body moving backwards without them meaning to. The sound catching in their throat and what that feels like.

All the while, let’s keep those prior lessons going. Personify the nouns that are affecting your character and keep up the description work.

Let’s try it.

A whimper choked to a stop in B’s throat as the soft flesh of their abdomen ripped slowly open, dragging a thick, oily crimson seeping through their shirt and warming down their jeans.

See how I just recycled most of those words? At this point, we’re no longer seeing something happen to B, we’re living it with them.

I like the ‘whimper’ bit because sounds can give so much input on what your oc’s state of mind is - especially involuntary sounds. But they can also give a ton of context in very little space, letting you focus less on dialogue and more on the visceral moments that are gonna get you those sweet, sweet physical reactions to the text.

So let’s make the sound that they were making into a dialogue summary instead. 

The babbling, stuttering pleas choked to a stop in B’s throat as the soft flesh of their abdomen ripped slowly open, dragging thick, oily crimson seeping through their shirt and warming down their jeans.

Okay very fun very fun but. Like. The knife is still in there right? So be sure to make your next sentence about how they can feel it inside them - how they clutch onto A’s wrist to try to keep it still even as their own trembling legs beg them to buckle and drop.

You get the picture. Keep it rolling. Give nouns their own voices and actions. Let us feel the sensations. Let us see B's state of mind by the state of the world and their body.

Just build it up. 

Pay attention to sentence length. Depending on the cadence of your paragraph you’ll want longer and shorter sentences. Don’t get monotonous with it - read it aloud! See how it sounds. I’d probably chop this one in half at this point.

Something here isn’t quite working with my natural cadence, this sentence is getting to be a lot, and I really did like having the blood have its own voice, sooo……

The babbling, stuttering pleas choked to a stop in B’s throat as the soft flesh of their abdomen ripped slowly open. Thick, oily crimson dragged around the cool blade, soaking through their shirt and warming down their jeans.

There.

Much better. 

Much easier to digest and more dynamic as well.

I'd definitely add something like 'the world blurred around them' or 'the ground slipped sideways as they stumbled back, muscles trembling and convulsing around the cool blade' etc etc etc in the next sentence or two. Show how this description directly affects them.

I’ll stop there so I don't just end up writing a full scene, but really you can workshop this for…forever? Find what descriptions suit you, get a list of visceral adjectives and sensation-driven verbs, then use the shit out of them. I believe in you all. Have fun!

[thebluntstudent]

FOUR ANXOUS THOUGHTS YOU MAY BE HAVING PRE-EXAM, AND WAYS TO RATIONALISE THEM ...

Also, a little commentary about panic attacks because I been there babs, in fact was there 30 mins ago~

°•☆•°

Tomorrow, I have an exam that I have been dreading for a long time. So naturally, today when I woke up a couple hours later than I was anticipating and opened up my notes to make the most of my last day of revising, I was hit with a flood of overwhelming anxiety and a panic attack followed suit.

I was struggling to move, I felt so overtaken by my thoughts- so I lay down, hugged myself, and did my best to calm down and rationalise my thoughts. This is how I got through it, and this is how I contended with a few of the emotionally-loaded thoughts that were driving my pre-exam panic:

Firstly, getting through it. If you are having a panic attack, don't try to push it down or ignore it- it sucks babs, but much like escaping a burning building by jumping through the fire, it's happening now and the only way past it is going through. So feel it. If you can talk to someone to support you through and ground you then do, and use whatever aids you to help calm the physical effects enough that you can start to fight that negative filter making you feel like the worlds biggest failure right now- you're not. You're a human, and if you didn't care about this exam you wouldn't be curled up in bed hyperventilating about it!

°•☆•°

Just physically calming yourself down doesn't help you fight the thoughts you're having that may be caused by or be the cause of your anxiety in the first place- so here are a few anxious thoughts I have had that you may also be experiencing and the rationalisation that helped me through them- in hopes that if you aren't doing okie dokie right now that maybe this will give you something to focus on and help you be the devil's advocate to your own anxiety too:

"I woke up later than I wanted to, I've lost important study time." So you slept through your alarm, or forgot to set one- fretting about lost time is only going to make you lose your mind and lose focus more, and the day before an exam you need as much rest as the night before. A few hours may feel like a lot of time, but you probably wouldn't have made the most of that in a groggy sleep-deprived state anyway. You're looking after yourself, you still have time, and that is okay.

"I have so much to get through, I'm never going to understand everything now." There is still plenty that you can do! I have been moderately unwell for 2 months and it has had a massive impact on my capacity to study consistently. There's a fair bit of content I know that I don't have enough time to understand at a first grade level- but I still have hours to lock down a little bit more confidence in preparation for the exam. Stop thinking 'I have to do ALL of this in the next 24 hours', start thinking 'what can I do to make myself feel a little more confident for tomorrow?'- as I mentioned in my last post, in just a 5-10 minute revision session you can go over a topic's worth of content via flashcards, and you literally have hours to go yet.

"I'm a bad student, I should have started prepping weeks ago/I should have done more." Hindsight is a bitch. Even if your reason for not studying before now is simply procrastination (which does not make you a bad student, it makes you a normal student- and also, a human being), mourning the time you've lost will not get you a top grade. You still have so much time to make yourself feel a little more prepared- you aren't a bad person, and you can still do something now even if you didn't a week ago! <3

"I don't even know where I'm supposed to start now, everything feels so overwhelming." take 20. Stop envisioning your subject as a whole (easier said than done, I know), and instead try to break it down into little segments of info you have to learn- you've already been taught the subject, so you don't have to learn the WHOLE thing in 24 hours. I like to write a list breaking down my module lecture by lecture, with three little check boxes next to it (though this depends on the subject you're doing): content, flashcards, practise. Cross off anything you've already done, pick one topic- one task you want to focus on and ignore everything except for that for however long you'll be working on it. It doesn't matter if you can't get through the whole list- every little section you do is another set of questions in the exam that you now have a better chance at answering. Isn't that a win?

This won't get rid of your anxiety like some magic solution, and it isn't always an easy task to dismiss your restless mind's accusations- but hopefully this is a little helpful for any fellow messy, anxious students out there who want the best but aren't in the best circumstances to get there <3 also, good luck!

[if-seal]

if seal i have a big scene i need to write that is Very Important but i only manage to procrastinate away time when i try to write it!! what should i do :(

Dear Friend with a Scene of Much Importance,

Did you know that elephant seals sleep at 1200 feet while doing "sleep spirals" during dives? One might think that this is procrastination, but it is very important to catch up on rest when you're in the cold reaches of the ocean and need to avoid orcas.

Which is to say, sometimes writing does not look like writing.

Sometimes it looks like moving your body in a way that suits you, or going outside and touching grass (or water, if you're me), or reading a bit of a book or playing a bit of a game that inspires you.

Please do not beat yourself up for finding this hard because shame is bad for everyone and no amount of guilt will get words on the page. Those of us who are chronically ill or neurodiverse will know that if we don't take any time to rest, we won't be able to outswim those orcas.

But, yes, there is still that blank page and if you want to swim through this scene to reach the tasty squid on the other side, you will need to fill up that page.

Is there something about your work environment that you can change? Something as simple as changing up your computer's wallpaper or how your text editor looks can trick your brain into getting into gear. Some dear writer friends with ADHD have sworn by Stimuwrite - you could try it out. Writing in the bath can get stodgy sometimes so I slither out to my local river and enjoy the sound of the breeze and birds out there while I write. (My roommate @hpowellsmith goes to the local coffee shop which, blech, coffee?)

Do you have your scene planned out on paper, on a flowchart, or as bullet points - whatever suits you? Prepare it like a delicious meal by breaking it up into smaller, manageable chunks to eat more easily. The more certainty you have about what your Very Important Scene will contain, the easier it will be to get the words down.

You could also code the scene in small chunks before you do any writing so that you are not having to juggle writing and coding at the same time.

Are you happy with what your scene is doing? Maybe there's something about it that is a little too complicated, or there's something that seemed like a great idea when you were first planning, or there's a bit where the player is being pushed around by the plot in a way you didn't intend at first, or the characters feel out of your control. Maybe there's something you could trim to simplify things.

Take a look at what you've currently got in the scene and if there's anything you're unhappy with, change it - better to do that now than while you're writing it or when editing.

Can you write the scene in a different order than how you're trying to do it right now? You could start at the middle or end instead of the beginning of the scene. Sometimes starting at the end can make it feel less overwhelming and you'll get a better idea of where you're going.

Finally, try using small targets, whether that's time, wordcount, or how far you are through your scene. Five minutes of writing is a small amount but it is still five minutes well spent and maybe you will want to do another five once you're done. Make a pact with writer friends to write a particular amount and check in with them afterwards; give yourself a reward when you reach your manageable target; make a tick chart or a sticker chart or have little snack rewards.

(Don't spend all day researching notepaper and fountain pens to make the tick chart look beautiful though! I beg you!)

Something I have noticed when rereading my work is that I remember when a scene was truly horrible to write. I remember the points of my games when I needed to lie on the bathroom floor and groan about it and wave my flippers feebly.

But readers will not notice. They will just fall in love with your game about a gay selkie finding love and drama while living in a lighthouse. And when the huge complicated Very Important scene when the storm happens and the shipwreck is dependent on the equipment you've chosen and the people you have with you... they will be so excited.

It won't be a worse scene for having been tough to write: it may even be better.

And if you need to lie and groan a bit, that's OK. Just remember that you CAN swim through it.

[cobiehaven]

Painting with Our Hearts — Lee Juyeon

SYNPOSIS; you despised your best friend for asking you to mentor her in the field of dating when you yourself hated the idea of being tied down to a man. but soon enough, she got the hang of it without the usage of your advice. so much so that her relationship escalated with a ring of engagement! in only 6 months? you know you should focus on your studies and get ready for graduation in dreams of starting your new life, fresh and problem free, but you face something much more scary than freedom. the side effects of this forbidden relationship you have fallen into with a man who you know you shouldn’t love..

PAIRING; artist!juyeon x fem!reader

GENRE; drama, fluff, angst

WORD COUNT; 4.7k

TAGS/WARNINGS; collage au, art major au, strangers to lovers, lowkey obsessive!juyeon, reader hates basically everyone, cheating (im sorry ily juju), strong language, tension, mentions of starving for weight loss, a bit suggestive, mentions of engagement, mention of starting a family, legal drinking, lying and betrayal, arguing, broken friendship, lowkey didn’t know where i was going with the ending, procrastinated wayyy too long on this so probably ass 😀.

AUTHORS NOTE; i felt awkward writing this because never in a million years would i imagine juyeon cheating but then again it was for the sake of the fic so enjoy.

FLASHBACK

“don’t you think you’re going a little too overboard? at this rate, you’re going to gain some kind of disorder,” you sat with your chin resting in the palm of your hand as you watched your best friend, feng, continue to whine and complain about her body.

you swore you had never seen her whip her head around so fast. “what?! overboard? psh, as if,” she waved off but was awkwardly cut off when a loud rumble erupted from her stomach. you raised a brow, her expression lowering to a pout.

“okay, and what about it?” she stuck her chin out at you.

“you’re going to get sick.”

“so? it’s worth it.”

your eyes trailed from head to toe and pressed your lips together with tension. how could she possibly care more about her image over her health?

“what are you even doing this for? doesn’t your rich family already force you to keep a healthy diet?” you asked, lifting your head out of your hand and instead, leaning back in the comfort of your chair. “which makes it even easier to loose all of this fat!” it was silent for a moment as your friend took her sweet time to check herself out in the long body mirror she had behind her overly decorated door. “anyways,” you waited for her go on with her sentence. “you know that boy that sits in the back of your arts class?”

“oh my god.”

“no, listen!”

“i’m leaving.”

“please!” she pouted.

you still sent her the most uninterested look known to man. but with one hard eye roll and loud groan, you sunk down into your chair. “go on.”

“good!” her emotion changing within seconds. “i heard he likes girls on the smaller side. the ones with small waists and tiny faces! minjoo told me so last week! i’m setting goals for myself,” she shot her brightest smile and swayed around her room as she went on and on about the likes and dislikes she had heard from others about this boy. this boy that had been the talk of the school since he moved into the fine arts department. the exact one that had many other girls soothing over him when he didn’t even do as much as even look their direction. sure, he was good-looking but was that really all anyone needed to fall head over heels for someone?

“minjoo? as in the minjoo that supposedly dated and dumped juyeon after 2 days because he was too ‘quiet’?” you raised your brow again, this time tilting your head down in a ‘you’ve got to be joking’ kind of way. “yes! her!” feng smiles. “as if two days is enough time to learn all about someone’s likes, dislikes, turn-ons, turn-offs!” you sighed. “have you even talked to him before?”

feng shook her head which only had you rolling your eyes for probably the 5th time this morning.

“i was planning on asking you to help me approach him..?” she tangled her fingers together in front of herself, shrugging up her shoulders in a pleading manner. “i know it’s a stretch to think i have a chance with him but please!” she begged. “why me?” she knew how much you hated things like this. much less men. you’d never be able to understand them. “because you love me~!” she shot you the biggest smile as she took your hands into hers. you gave her a playful and shocked expression, “ain’t no way you just pulled that card on me.”

her glued on poker face seemed to prove you wrong.

pushing her away, you stood up and crossed your arms in front of her and with one deep sigh, “what do i get out of this?” you asked.

payment was expected for hard and excruciating work.

“i’ll do all of your house work including running hall errands for you during the school day for a month!”

“two months.”

“a month and one week?”

“listen, i’m getting involved with a man for you.”

“okay okay!! a month and a half.”

“cool, now go get me a soda.”

“what?! but i said during the school day!” she complained while you wandered over to the bed. falling down into it with a satisfied grunt. “and technically we have class in 30 minutes, so you better get the drink quick so we can walk there in less than a hurry,” you replied which had her shuffling her way to the door.

PRESENT TIME

you didn’t really know why you agreed to this. why you didn’t just gather up everything in you to just tell her no and get on with your life. it would have been easier for you. without feng around, it was awkward to see juyeon’s face around. neither of you went out of your way to say hi to each other but you could feel his eyes staring into the back of your head during classes.

without feng, you would have no business with juyeon at all.

so why was he the one to invite you to your departments celebration party for winning 1st in competition during winter break? saying that he needed to discuss something with you in private?

especially when he was already dating your best friend?

what exactly was he in need of telling you so badly?

sucking up a large sigh, you swung open the door to the korean bbq place everyone had agreed to meet at. you were a little surprised by the amount of people this place agreed to let in but it seemed to be the class presidents last resort since many in the class were still too young to go clubbing. luckily, not everyone showed up.

“y/n!” a familiar voice called, gesturing you over to the table.

you sat at the end, not wanting to be squished in between anybody who reeked of alcohol and grease. you insisted on getting a table for yourself but the staff wouldn’t let you as they were already finding a hard time serving your department as it was. maybe it would have been easier to just not come. while juyeon was the one to invite you, he didn’t seem to be anywhere around the tables that were already set.

“hey, where’s juyeon?” you asked the girl sitting next to you. “i think he said he was running a bit late.”

speaking of juyeon, your head whipped around when you heard your department cheering for his arrival. he looked winded and messy coming in through the door but he shot a happy smile when everyone was glad to see him. you rolled your eyes at how obnoxious everyone was being.

unfortunately, you had to give up your edge seat and slide further down the booth for him to sit down. it was the only space that was left.

yeah, you really shouldn’t have come.

claustrophobia was overcoming you as you could feel juyeons cold pressing against your side. “i’m glad you could come,” he turned towards you. “i’m glad you could come late,” even without looking his way, you could feel his expression falling into a frown.

it was silent amongst you two. you really didn’t have much to talk about with him considering you only knew each other through feng. only chiming in when the guys across from you both had interesting things to comment on. the reek of alcohol became stronger as you started to get more and more out of it with each sip.

it went on like that for a while before your attention was caught by the girl next to you suddenly banging her hands on the table. “soojin?” you called out her name over the booming music. “are you okay?” you asked half-slurred. before you knew it, she had turned towards you and spilled whatever she had eaten that night all into your lap. the guys around the table all backing away with disgust and shock. but you were paying no attention to them and only at the pool of vomit seeping through the thickness of your clothes. your eyes trailed up to the girls in front of you before she slurred some “im sorry”’s before slumping back against the booth.

“oh my god, i think im going to throw up,” one of the guys across from you slapped his hand over his mouth. to which the other guy had yelled out an abundant of curses for him not too.

you were still in shock. you could feel the warm liquid seeping far enough to touch your bare skin, that alone making you want to wake the girl up and sock her right in the nose for putting you in such a disgusting situation. if it wasn’t for your hazy mind, you probably would have. suddenly, you felt a pair of hands on your legs making you nearly jump out of your seat, but you just tensed when you realized it was juyeons, scraping the chunks off of your pants with a thick handful of napkins. it wasn’t long before he grabbed your hand and dragged you to the mens bathroom, not even having the mind to argue with his actions.

“im sorry, y/n.”

was he apologizing for touching you? or forcing you into the bathroom with him? or maybe inviting you to this overly crowded korean bbq?

“i have spare clothes in my car. do you think you’re okay enough to wait here while i go get them?” he asked, looking into your hooded eyes. “im not fucking five. i don’t need your help,” you shrugged his protective arm off of you and headed for the door. “wait!” juyeon grabbed your wrist, making you whip your head around. “you have shit all over you. please, let me help you.”

technically he did get you into this situation. even if he didn’t know something like this was going to happen.

“fine. just hurry,” you huffed. “its already embarrassing enough just standing here in front of you like this..” you mumbled as your arms coiled around your body.

just as so, juyeon didn’t take long. he came back to hand you a change of clothes, even adding a pair of socks to the pile. patiently waiting outside the family stall as you took your sweet time changing, you grumbled with each peel of damp clothing off of your body.

“juyeon?” you called.

“yeah?”

“can you hand me a wet paper towel?”

within seconds, you shuffled over to take the wet cloth out of juyeon’s hands from under the stall door. “thanks.” it took you a while to wipe yourself down, trying not to stumble over every time your mind started to give in to the heavy alcoholic haze overcoming you but soon enough, you flushed the paper down the toilet and shrugged on the loose fitting clothes into your body.

“please, let me take your clothes home and wash them for you,” he insisted the moment you unlocked the stall door. his eyes locking on his oversized clothes quite literally engulfing your figure. it took you a moment to register his staring, much less his words. but once you did, you just scoffed and crossed your arms over yourself. “stop staring you perv,” you fixed a hardened gaze on him. “forget it, just, thank you for the clothes.”

“wait!” he stopped you after you had pushed past him.

“ugh, what now?”

“how are you getting home?”

“why do you care?” you asked with a raise of your brow. “because if you plan on driving home, you’re way too drunk to be driving,” he exclaimed. “its fine, ill just take a taxi or something,” you said before rushing out of the bathroom, this time not giving him the time to stop you. “oh? y/n? why did you just come out of the boys- hey!” you pushed past your classmate rudely just to get out of there. you could care less about the many voices calling for you, not wanting you to leave so soon. you were done with ‘parties’.

you just wanted the embarrassment to stop.

the next few days seemed to go by normally. along with the next month or two. nothing out of the ordinary seemed to happen and primarily just went back to your daily school work and boring life. feng and juyeon were together per usual and you stayed silent for a lot of their interactions. the only times you seemed to see juyeon without feng around was whenever he happened to pass by you in the halls or in class but other than that, it became a common occurrence that juyeon joined in on you and feng’s time together. it annoyed you a lot, especially when feng never gave you the option to leave when she wasn’t even paying attention to you in the first place.

actually, the annoying part wasn’t the two of them together, necessarily, it was more so juyeon that wanted to get your attention outside of that time that started to get you annoyed of the times when he was with you and feng. for example, the multiple times he begged you during class to lend your notes to him, or the times he asked you to do the bare minimum like open his milk carton for him during lunch, or even the time he made you walk 5 blocks down the street during a heatwave just to return his clothes to him while he was working.

as much as you hated him for wasting your time, the more you started to have less of a reason to want to hate him with the efforts he made in occupying your time.

but of course, at the end of the day, he still belonged to your best friend.

you found it easier to block them out with the help of your headphones and laptop. your music and videos was much more worth it than some guy and his obsessive girlfriend.

oh, you mean, your best friend.

you sat quietly as you were trying your best to block out the distracting noise coming from the two of them, focusing more on your homework that was giving you more of a headache than their love language. you brushed it off for as long as you could before you sighed and stood up, the scrapping of your seat against the floor made feng crank her neck towards you.

“where are you going?” she asked. “home, i can’t focus here and my head is killing me,” you replied, packing up your stuff as the enormous pile of books weighed you down everyday.

you failed to notice juyeon’s visible concern.

“oh okay,” she shrugged.

“feel better.”

you and juyeon shared eye contact with each other for a few seconds before heading off. you didn’t know why but something about that sounded like it had much more of a deeper meaning than just a get well wish.

when you got home, you were relieved with how still your house was. it started to subside your headache. but your relaxation was cut short when you felt a buzz in your pocket.

juyeon:

that’s quite the amount of stress you have packing on

you:

what?

juyeon:

the books

you’ve been working non-stop on papers for the past three days, you really deserve a break

you:

i’ll be fine, it’s nothing to worry about

you stared at the messages for a few seconds before realizing he probably wasn’t going to say anything else. putting your phone to your side, you sat up on your bed with a deep sigh. “i’ll probably just take some pain killers and work some more..” you mumbled to yourself, rubbing your palms over your tired eyes.

another buzz caught your attention.

juyeon:

meet me in 10 in the loft.

the period scared you.

15 MINUTES LATER

you arrived in the loft as told, figuring that there would be no reason to ignore it when you knew he’d probably just come to your house if you didn’t answer.

he was really confusing sometimes.

“juyeon?” you called.

the lights were still off. had you gotten there too early? surely not, a walk from your house to the studio was 15 minutes, not 10.

“juyeon, this isn’t funny. let’s just make this quick.” you called again, this time stating your conditions. you were about to get fed up with waiting before you suddenly felt something cold splash onto your back, making you yelp and jump forward, whipping your head around in the plain darkness. you could see a dark silhouette and quickly made it out to be juyeon’s slender figure. “what the fuck?!” you cursed before the lights were flashed on. your eyes having to take a moment to adjust to the sudden change.

he was laughing. crying, even. looking at yourself, you realized he had thrown white paint on you seeing as he still had the bucket in his hands.

you were not going to let him get away with this.

“you little shit,” you cursed again before taking all of your anger and grabbing the first bucket you saw and prying open the top, chasing juyeon around the room and successfully whisking the liquid onto him. you both when back and forth, the challenge becoming so much that you soon started to forget about your troubles, about your work, about feng and even the ones deep down that you didn’t want to admit.

this was the most fun you’ve had in a long, long, time.

“please! have mercy!” juyeon cried with added laughter as you continued to pour, purple, paint onto him. “you’ve brought this upon yourself,” you laughed before he tried pushing you away from him, somehow fully knocking you over in the process and bringing himself down along with you.

he shielded your fall with his hands behind your back and head but once he came to realization as to what position you were in, his eyes widened and his whole body tensed up. yours did the same.

it was silent. the short few moments of you both having fun was turned into long and breathtaking moments. not to mention how close he was to you, what it felt like to have his fingers tangled in your hair, what it felt like to hear both of your hearts beating the same cadence in this silent room. you watched as his eyes trailed from yours, down to your lips, and then back up. the look he was giving you was almost inviting but also scared.

you really didn’t know how to describe this feeling.

in a panic, you broke the moment to trail your hands up the tiny space between you both to quickly smear what paint you had left on your hands. the colors mixing into his caramel tone and making him not any less beautiful than he already was.

maybe you were starting to see what girls saw in this man.

“hey..!” he whined, smacking your hands off of him. he squinted his eyes at you challengingly, but just gave you a sly smirk instead.

it was hard to believe this was the same timid guy from a few days ago.

helping you to your feet, he ran his fingers through his dry but, at the same time, wet, hair. “how do you feel?” he asked.

“definitely better, no more headache.”

“that’s good. that was the goal,” he smiled and fixed himself up. just as you were about to straighten your clothes, you paused and looked up at him. “wait, you brought me here just for that?” you asked.

“don’t get mad. i was just trying to-“

“i’m not mad. it’s just.. i thought you wanted to talk.”

“about what?”

you rolled your eyes at his stupidity.

“about whatever it was you wanted to tell me a couple months back? you never ended up telling me.”

it took him a second to try and think back on it, but eventually he did.

“yeah because you left before i could!” he protested. you giving him yet another eye roll. “well i’m here now so what was it?”

he hesitated. you could tell by the way he was looking around at anything but you that the same timidness from before was back.

“juyeon?” you called out to him, awaiting his answer.

“feng proposed to me.”

the silence was long. extremely long. nothing could express the amount of shock and unknown pain that you were overcome with. you swore you felt your heart sink down into the pit of your stomach.

“what..?” you refused to believe it.

“she proposed to me. a week ago. after 5 months of dating and she’s waiting for my answer on our 6th month anniversary.”

“which is when?”

“…today.”

you wanted nothing more than for the world to open up from underneath you and swallow you whole. what was feng thinking? what were you thinking? how could you get flustered over some boy who you barely know? especially one who was about to get engaged to your best friend. one that you helped your best friend get together with!

“well, what are you going to say?” you asked, you could feel your blood starting to boil with anger. but not knowing where exactly it was coming from. but you tried your best to sound calm and collected as your biggest fear was probably him finding out that you were lowkey crushing on him, this way.

“i don’t know yet,” juyeon murmured. “i was going to ask you.”

“why do you need to ask me for advice on your own personal problems?”

“because.”

“because?”

“because!”

“i’m not following.”

you could tell he was starting to get riled up. “because i’m not sure if i actually like her!” he screamed. to your own shock, you could tell he was holding in those exact words for a long while.

“so.. you played her?” you weren’t sure wether to feel relieved or pissed off about that. “or i guess.. playing her?” you switched to present tense.

“i don’t know..” he ran his hands down his face in frustration. “i just.. im not sure if i’m ready for marriage? but knowing her, if i reject her, she’ll think i don’t love her anymore and i don’t want to have that sort of confusion within our relationship all of the time. she already thinks i talk to you too much,” he sighed.

feng thinks he talks to you too much? since when has she ever been around to see the both of you have a consistent conversation other than about school work?

whatever, you didn’t want to worry about that right now. you had a boy stressed out of his mind right in front of you. “juyeon, it sounds more to me that you’re just in a toxic relationship.”

it was silent for a moment as all he did was just stare at the ground but as much as he didn’t want to agree with you, he knew you were right. “what should i do?” he asked. but he already knew what your answer was going to be… and you didn’t want to give him that kind of heartbreak. “do what you feel is right,” you said softly. you hesitated but after a while, you snaked your arm around his back and rubbed light circles onto his shoulder blades. he lowered himself to your height and buried his face into your shoulder, his arms wrapping around you into a deep hug. he didn’t cry, but you could tell he was confused and hurt. this had been bothering him for quite some time.

cutting the relaxing hug short, you were met with his eyes as your own filtered with confusion. “are you feeling better now?” you asked. “no,” he replied. as you were about to open your mouth to respond, he quickly furthered your confusion as he captured your lips into a soft kiss. your eyes growing wide in utter shock as you didn’t know what to do with your hands. much less your anything else. this was the first time you had ever kissed someone. or.. be kissed by someone. nonetheless, with your little knowledge from the various kdramas you had watched in your time, you closed your eyes and tried to act like you knew what you were doing. luckily, juyeon sensed your embarrassment and swiftly led your arms around his neck as he did all of the work for you. leading the kiss into soft multiple ones that had you getting the flow down instantly. after about a minute or so, you broke away, or maybe he did. you couldn’t tell with how hazed your mind was right now.

“are you.. feeling better now?” you asked for the second time.

you didn’t get an answer.

“did you have a talk with feng?” you asked juyeon as the two of you walked into class together, having conveniently run into each other in the hallway. “i don’t want to talk about it,” he sighed out, though it sounded more of like a groan. luckily for you, you sat right in front of juyeon so you didn’t have to cut the conversation short.

“you should just be honest with her, it’s the better option.”

he agreed yet he still looked so troubled.

“don’t tell me you were planning to do it through text-“

“do you really think that lowly of me?”

well… considering he got himself into this whole mess…

“please don’t just bare through it when you know it won’t work out. that’s possibly the worst thing you could do,” you sighed, reaching your hand out to place on top of his in a comforting way. but he snatched his hand away with such force that it had you even more confused than before.

did he not want to be around you? if so, then why did he kiss you?

“am i just that bad at kissing?” you said half-heartedly but you were immediately shut down by juyeon who hushed you. “don’t say it so loud!” he whisper-yelled at you. you understood that he didn’t want anyone to know that he technically cheated on his girlfriend—which you still weren’t sure if you were happy or upset about—but he didn’t have to reject your comfort when you tried to give it to him for his sake. “then what is it?” he rubbed at his temples, “y/n, i think she already knows.”

juyeon sighed and stared down at his fingers that sat in his lap. when he felt like he could muster up the courage to tell you more, he glanced around one time just to make sure no one was within close enough range. “today, before school, she told me that as soon as we got married with our parents approval.. she wanted to move abroad and start a family. she kept going on about how much of a future she wanted with me and i wasn’t sure how to respond to it all. i got so stressed out that i ended up snapping at her and walking away.” he shifted awkwardly in his seat as if he was waiting for the moment his girlfriend would walk in through that door despite not sharing a single class together. “she didn’t chance after me like she usually does when we have arguments,” he said.

for as long as you knew feng, she had always been an overbearing person. she was a very ‘up in your face’ kind of girl and that’s what made people either really like her or really hate her.

hearing about how she bombarded juyeon with such a wide topic, you could only imagine how he must of felt.

luckily, she knew her place when it came to conversations with you. it was a blessing.

“that’s good, though!” you exclaimed. “it would make it easier for you to break it off.”

“i just cant stop thinking about what she’d say if she found out i kissed her best friend on the day of our 6 months,” he sighed and cupped his hands over his face, leaning forward onto the desk.

your attention was caught when you felt a buzz in your back pocket. pulling out your phone, you were greet by a message from your best friend. except.. maybe said best friend, didn’t want to be best friends anymore.

“oh no..” you trailed off.

“what?” juyeon asked, peeking at you from between his fingers.

you hesitated for a long minute but eventually flipped your phone around enough for him to view the screen.

.

.

.

feng:

[sent attached photo]

once a cheater, always a cheater.

fuck you both.

proof read by @hwasluvr

© cobiehaven 2023

[thdramas2]

i forget which blog that people were complaining about character hoarders or people just not using characters so i hope you dont mind a little positive vent?

i only made my own characters so i never considered myself a character hoarder because i also had a lot of simple and quick info filled in on the profile but i have a storage account now and ive remembered that topic from one of the drama blogs and for now im making sure that each character has at least 2 drawings & i make sure theres at least one by me in the character gallery, i have at least 1-2 paragraphs of story information written about them not just basic info before sending to my storage account. It's not overwhelming this way and easier to keep track of which characters i should focus on, I've become so much more attached to my own designs and excited to share them instead of keeping them on authorised only.

So to whoever complained about character hoarders and people adopting characters that just let them rot and never use them thank you for complaining, genuinely helped me get over my procrastination since i always thought "i need to figure everything before i can write anything".

remember toyhouse is a storage website. meaning of course there are going to be "hoarders" because most people have lots of OCs

[persephoneflouwers]

Angels fly, BUT ALL THE LINES ARE PSYCHOLOGICAL/PHILOSOPHICAL APPROACHES

If every star is an eye in the sky, You'll see angels fly

This curious post was born because the first time I listened to this song I remembered the anecdote a certain Plato tells in his books: Tales the philosopher used to fall on the ground because he spent so much time looking at the sky and studying it instead of watching where he was going. This was the beginning of the proverbial “having the head in the clouds” and worked to stereotype philosophers as the distracted clumsy always in their own world kinda people. It was only later at night that this super-weird post was written. I had fun ngl!

Nothing really matters, nothing really hurts

Moderate existential Nihilism, according to which life is without intrinsic value, meaning, or purpose. Kinda surprising coming from Louis (!!!) but that should say a lot about the album from the title straight to the last note of the last song. Ah! Louis, Louis.

We can't talk about it, It'll only make it worse. There's a time for saying who did what, Where it went wrong

Critique of practical reason: now you can believe it or not but the closure to this book is literally “two things fill my mind with ever increasing wonder and awe: the starry heaven above me and the moral law within me.” And only that is a reason to gasp! The mention of sky and stars AND what’s right and wrong in the same sentence? Wild! Anyway it’s a lot, but it’s quite fun to find these references. I guess Kant would be at least intrigued by the line “there’s time for saying where it we t wrong”… both the concept of time (read below) and the inevitability of making mistakes in humans agenda make this verse a splendid gem in my eyes.

I wanna hear all that, but right now All I need you to know is You'll be okay, we can talk tomorrow + One single word, it could wait till the morning

Apology of emotional procrastination: this is what I just made up because I own procrastination as a lifestyle. In a way, he’s trying to prioritise the moments and even though talking is actually a good way to learn and grow, it is also something he can postpone.

I'm on my way with some time to borrow + I'll knock on your door, it'll save me from calling

Authenticity of time: I could genuinely write en entire essay on the concept of Time in Louis’ songwriting and in Philosophy. They all wondered what time is, how we perceive it, what we can do with it. I could give you just a few names (Aristoteles, Eistein, Hegel, Nietzsche), but my favourite one will be Bergson. He talked about the interior time, non-dividable and non-ripeatable, stocked in our conscience, in which the various moments interpenetrate each other without interruption.

Look at the horizon, Just to make you feel small?

Subversion of metaphysical solipsism: big words, strong words even. But he’s basically saying the world is bigger than me (lol) and you’re not in this alone. You don’t exist on your own. It’s cool, but also sort of an impasse bc yeah world has bigger problems, but that doesn’t mean you can’t struggle for your own shit yk?

Put the pain in my heart till now, You don't need anymore

A simple Epicurean philosophy 🎶: aponia!! and ataraxia!! We going deep lol You don’t need the pain duh put it away now. He’s so cute tho to store the pain in his heart and make it easier for the other person, but it’s an interesting take as obvious as it sounds. You can’t the pain along with you if you want to heal. Easier to say than to be done.

[uncloseted]

I used to think I had ADHD bc it's so hard for me to get schoolwork done, but Ive realized that I really just procrastinate bc I'm scared of starting an assignment and failing. I mainly procrastinate on essays and projects bc it's usually a challenge and also a sum of everything you have learned in class, and I get scared because I feel like I'm not equipped to do it. So I avoid avoid avoid and do it last minute. Sometimes I get really good marks actually! So it proves that I am actually

Equipped to do the assignment even if I do it super late. But, I'm wondering how I can drill into my head to just DO the thing and not be terrified that I'm going to fail and avoiding it for fear of confronting the truth that I'm a "failure" and can't do the assignment (logically I know this isn't true but emotionally my brain automatically doesn't believe it).

Yes! Perfectionism is such a huge reason why people procrastinate and I don't think people talk about it nearly as much as they should.

The first thing I would do when dealing with procrastination from perfectionism is to remind yourself that the outcome of your work isn't a reflection of your worth as a person. You can be loved and worthy even if you aren't perfect at everything you do. I think oftentimes, people who struggle with perfectionism feel like being perfect at things is a necessary part of their identity, but we aren't our successes and failures. Letting go of the idea that the outcome of tasks define us makes it easier to complete work. And when you do fail at things, try to reframe what that means in your mind. Instead of "failing this exam means I'm a failure as a person", maybe try reframing it as "failure is a normal part of life. If I never fail, then I'll never be able to grow."

When you're starting an assignment, try and set reasonable goals and standards for yourself. Of course you want to give each assignment your best and get 100% on everything, but what's the bare minimum that would get you to achieve your goal? If you have a class you're taking, what's the bare minimum that you would need to get on this assignment and still pass the class? Figuring out what would be good enough can help to combat that feeling that the world is ending when an assignment isn't perfect. It can also help you to get started, since you can remind yourself that it doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to get done. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and remind yourself that you can always go through it again at the end and improve it if you need to.

In terms of general anti-procrastination strategies, there are a few things you can try:

Break your task into small, manageable steps that you can check off a list. These can be as simple as "open document" and "write name at the top of the paper". The more little tasks you do successfully, the more you'll feel like you can do.

Commit to only doing a little bit. Maybe you'll just do one step that's on your list, or you'll do two minutes of work. Usually, after that time is up, you'll feel like you've gotten over the hump of starting a new task and you can keep going. But if not, let yourself take a break. You've at least gotten a little something done, which is better than nothing.

Reward your progress. Once you get to pre-set milestones in the task you're going (like you've finished five of the small steps on your list, or you've finished writing a paragraph of an essay), give yourself a little treat. It sounds silly, but if you can train yourself to associate doing work with getting a treat, it's easier to start doing the work.

And more than anything else, I think it's important to be kind to yourself. If you had a friend that was struggling the way that you are now, what would you say to them? You'd tell them that they're capable of completing the assignment and even if it doesn't go well, they're not a failure of a person, right? Try to talk to yourself that same way when you're trying to get through doing an assignment. It will feel silly at first, but the more that we practice kindness and compassion towards ourselves, the easier it becomes to do it, and the more we believe the things we tell ourselves.

[sys128]

I sometimes find it hard to get into a new habit, even if it benefits me in the long run! I can't even count how many examples of this I can give, because they all and the same way: I do it for a few days but it almost never lasts! I personally believe that it will become an issue in adulthood. Usually, the human brain develops until the age of 25. And that age is fast approaching, even though I'm almost 18. It might only be a matter of time for these habits are ingrained in my brain permanently, and will therefore be much harder to solve. I have tried many ways to combat this procrastination issue, but finding a solution is quite difficult. I always seem to find some way to snap out of it and continue doing the things I have been doing instead of the things that I should be doing.

That isn't to say that it never works, however. I have managed to maintain a month-long streak by learning Japanese on Duolingo and continue to rely on other sources to get the job done, so obviously I am capable of building some sort of habit. Another example of this is how I've managed to become fluent in another keyboard layout. But there are so many other things that I wish to do going forward, especially when it comes to YouTube. I have been very on and off about video production, which has resulted in months and months between videos, which I don't think the audience would appreciate if this continues. I need to find some sort of way to continue work on them more often than how I'm approaching them at the moment. It would have to be in a way that is most comfortable for me whilst also getting quality work done. Over the past year or so, this has been the greatest challenge I have ever confronted, and continues to be to this day. I figure writing about it will jump start me finding a process to this madness.

Perhaps I can always come back to old ideas and give them another try. One of these old ideas is putting something at stake and acting on it depending on the outcome. Like for example, I wanted to prevent myself from doing something I wanted to if I didn't get something done first. I think I want to try this again, because it sounds like something that would be very effective. Looking back at my childhood, this was very effective in getting my chores done, because I couldn't access my video games until then. Even though this was years ago, that does not mean that this could still apply to present me. Another old idea that comes from my childhood is scheduling. When I was in around 4th grade, I was often supervised by another teacher because I had pervasive developmental disorder, and one of the things that they found that ended up helping me was having a second schedule on my desk that laid out the things that happened during that day. I also have a friend that schedules things 30 minutes ahead of time. (He even calls these things "keyterms.") Using that sort of way of scheduling, it is easier to keep track of what you want to do at that specific time. It seems to be very effective on him, and have been thinking about doing something similar for a while. The reason why I think this will work better than some other methods I've tried is because I tend to jump to the next thing kind of quickly. There are times where my mind is more in a "hyperactive" state rather than completely focused on one thing, whereas other times, the opposite is the case.

I hope to solve this mystery within the next year so it will not be an issue when I become an adult. This would end up helping me in a lot of areas, especially things with deadlines because I have seem to have a little bit of trouble with that. Maybe instead of deadlines, I can focus on getting a little bit at a time each session. But maybe I can't do this with everything, because school assignments rely very heavily on deadlines, so there will be exceptions. Other than that, I think there are ways to solve it, but I have been all over the place in terms of how I'm going about solving it, but I hope I find it one day.

[adhd-journey]

This blog will probably be just me, talking to myself.

As this is the first thing I write on here, I will write some sort of introduction. Sorry for the serious tone but I feel like I don't take this as serious as I should if I actually want to get better and don't get me started on how other people treat this disorder.

I got diagnosed with ADHD this year in June, I think. I am not suprised by that, not one bit.

I could always tell there was something wrong with me. At first it was only socially: I would get in fights, a lot. I had a short fuse and people picked on me anyways, so I thought I had an excuse to scream and hit. Honestly, sometimes I think it saved me from being more meek and quiet. I never disliked my ability to be openly angry and I still don't but back then it was excessive.

Later, I noticed I wasn't good at certain subjects. I rationalized it by saying that I did not care about math or chemistry so I just didn't do it but looking back now I understand that I wasn't able to pay attention even if I wanted to.

My saving grace in school was that I was obsessed with reading, still am, and since my mum got me short stories by Oscar Wilde and Edgar Allan Poe when I was like 12, I got by easily. I loved geography, history and politics, so it kinda balanced out.

No teacher ever noticed that I was different and I don't think anyone cared, they just assumed I was kinda weird.

I cheated my way through school without ever studying or doing homework and finally fixed my behavior in high school, where I made some friends and dialed down the arguing a lot. I joined a political party and had to learn how not to be abrasive and more sociable. This was the first time I properly learned what ADHD was and I thought it fit but I assumed I was just projecting, so I forgot about it.

I remember telling some friends about that thought once and one of said it couldn't possibly be. Lmao.

When I had to actually study for my finals it turned out to be a nightmare. I physically couldn't. I still got good grades on some because I was allowed to ditch the subjects I didn't like but I felt dissatisfied.

It got worse as soon as I entered university. I thought it would get easier because I could finally do what I liked but it was hard for me to pay attention to my lectures, to do work, to study and write papers. I failed, so much, and I missed deadlines and had to re-do courses. I finally had to admit that something was wrong.

At home, too. Cleaning and other chores were hard. I called the ADHD help for my region but it never went anywhere. I was unhappy and assumed I was doing something wrong if I just "self-diagnosed" and read the ressources online.

Anyways, I was at a stalemate for a few years and changed my major but it barely did anything. Bit by bit I realized how I had to treat myself and how to be patient instead of hating myself for every mistake.

Finally, they put me on a list and I had to wait for a year. The psychiatrist is a very nice guy and listened. We did some tests. And he said that yes, I fit the criteria.

Now I am at that weird place where I am on meds and they do help, but I am still not doing as well as I want to. I have lost a lot of abilities I used to have. I was able to read for hours when I was younger but now it's very difficult (unless it's a fanfiction). Writing has gotten harder and I do not watch longer series anymore. I have trouble keeping my space clean and I am constantly procrastinating. My sleep schedule is horrible and I always feel terrible.

My therapist recommended doing mindfulness exercises but I forget to do them. I always say I want to improve the quality of my sleep but I never do it. So, I have decided to actually document my day-to-day progress.

I'll write down a list of overall goals in another post.

Everyday I want to write a log entry of what I did today. On Sundays, I want to look back on my week and see if I made any progress.

Sporadically, I want to just share helpful tips I have to manage ADHD and all that comes with it.

I hope I can keep up with that!!

[lexingtonprincess]

Week 12 besties

Ima keep this simple for once, this blog will contain my podcast outline for the podcast which is to come later!!! Here it is besties!!!

“One of the most important parts of being a writer or other producer is to plan and develop your ideas. This way you can understand how your project will come together, as well as providing a blueprint to communicate to others working with you. This will be a preliminary sketch of your podcast, specific to the visual medium. In the course of the sketch, think about what you will need to do to get the final project done.”

When it comes to what I will need to get it done, I think I have all of my information already, It’s just a matter of putting it all together and making it look nice as well as finding someone to interview. Thinking about doing a poll on the UK story and get peoples opinions on the situations that my podcast will be over then choosing one of them to interview. For questions I could have one that has all the questions or do different polls for each situation and asking different people to interview for each one. Then connect them together into a 3 part podcast covering the campus issues.

What hurdles do you see ahead? How will you leap over them?

I definitely struggle with procrastinating big time, I’ll put everything off until last second. So I’m sure if I can lock in and focus I’ll be okay and be able to knock it out pretty quickly. Maybe if I work on it some each off day I have It’ll make it easier than rushing to do it all last second and it’ll all bring itself together slowly. Other hurdles I see is which information to put into it without overwhelming anyone because its so easy to find so much information. But which links to follow, or what to believe becomes a challenge for everyone. I haven’t 100% decided which app I plan to use for this podcast because most cost so I might have to buy one. Debating on which one might be a bit difficult, because I want to make it accessible but also organized.

One of the primary hurdles I’ll encounter is crafting compelling content that keeps your audience engaged throughout each part. This involves not only generating interesting ideas but also structuring my parts effectively. Additionally, I’ll have to make sure I’ve got a good script, considering tone, pacing, and clarity to ensure my message resonates with your listeners and gets across correctly. Overcoming potential writer's block and maintaining a consistent working schedule is something I’m really afraid of running into. Furthermore, the technical aspects, like recording quality audio and editing, may pose significant challenges.

How I plan to leap over these is to do a bit of my own research on what to use and choose the best articles that I would find interesting and think others would as well. When it comes to writers block if I write down the ideas as I get them and take my time while working on said podcast it should come together on its own without me having to worry about to much. Going back to my procrastination that’s gonna be my hardest thing because although I have these good ideas its hard to actually put them into play. Hopefully I can work on it slowly and bring it together so Im not doing it last second. As long as I can do that and actually pay attention to due dates and what Im doing Im sure I can be okay and get a good podcast put together for this project.

What is the aim of your podcast?

The aim of my podcast is complicated, I feel like there’s already so much information about the subjects I’m covering but also I feel like it’ll help to kinda have it all in one place as well as having multiple peoples opinions on the situation all in one. Instead of others having to Google it and having to look up separate sources I want to have it all in one place and easy to find for everyone. The challenge of which links to follow can both be a hurdle and help with the aim of my podcast. The hurdle here can be which links do I follow and which ones do I use for my podcast, and how do I decide what parts of information to use without overwhelming anyone. The aim it can help with is when I face those issues it makes it where others don't have to as well as getting the information to the people that need it and helping everyone.

All in all as long as I pay attention to my hurdles and actually use my ways to overcome them then I should be okay and have no issue getting it done. It’s just a matter of getting it done in time.

[walkingstackofbooks]

Just shouting into the void ~

So my job application writing is going great /s ...

Lol I can't even focus on writing down these thoughts I'm already thinking on here what hope do I even have of writing a coherent personal statement?

Gah

I'm on #6 since April and they've got progressively harder. Like, I guess that makes sense in terms of motivation and whatnot, and also I am pretty burnt out after spending half-term with family instead of resting (it was nice but god, I should not have gone back into work straight away after) but also I'd started on meds for #1 and they worked GREAT but now it seems that initial burst has worn off and even after increasing they're not as good?

#1 - 12 weeks ago - Solidly worked on it for 2 days and did not procrastinate overly much - barely at all on day 1! It was wild! Magic!

#2 - 7 weeks ago - My expectations were high - and not quite met. More work than expected, there was less that I could copy-and-paste from the last than I thought there'd be. Got really tired in the afternoon and napped, had a sudden revival about 10 at night 😅

#3 - 4 weeks ago - Lots of productivity just... housework-wise. It was great for getting stuff I needed done though! Did bits and starts, didn't really get a good go at anything till Sun eve and even that was hard.

#4 and #5 - 3 weeks ago - Really productive evening at a friend's who offered to body double. Was fairly good the next day after a nap, too; bit of procrastination that weekend, but generally okay.

#6 - now - Did a fairly solid bit for a few hours yesterday, but then solidly procrastinated and lost belief I could do it. Have solidly procrastinated this morning, including some housework productivity, haven't been able to bring myself to even open the word doc.

I just haven't felt like this at all during this round of applications I don't think - back to what I felt during essay-writing and all that other shit that uses this sort of brain power. Most of the others was working to a tighter deadline, but not all of them were next-day affairs, and I was able to hold myself to my own deadline for once - I didn't pull any all-nighters, which is out-of-the-norm for me. This one isn't due until the end of next week (and gosh there's actually a #7 also due in next week which I've just put to one side bc I cannot) but I've got something on next weekend that I want to go to and haven't been able to go to in years but I'm just so aware I could miss it and wouldn't that be easier, Andi?, then you wouldn't have to do this damn application now!

Dammit I just hate my brain and the way it just slides over the paper when trying to get a grip on what I've done so far and doesn't take anything in and just can't be assed with the consequences of not doing it now, even as I get more and more anxious, and the whole spiral that is doing-things-now-but-not-enjoying-them knowing that if I just do the damn thing I can enjoy future things more!

(I think this all comes in the context of I cannot enjoy anything until I get a job bc my life is currently on hold and I just have to go through endless application processes but there's only this short window in May-June for most jobs and fricking hell I don't even WANT any of these jobs I'm just legally required to get it so I can resume my current, enjoyable job in two years time... Which is fun.)

Anywayyy

This is just more procrastination.

(I'm also not sure if I'm procrastinating going to the shops or putting it off in the hope I'll do some work but it's a Sunday so they'll close in two hours which is a good thing tbf otherwise I might procrastinate it longer than tea but also AGH I don't have TIME to go to the shops but I can't afford NOT to and I seemingly have time to procrastinate so just go out to the shops already you damned fool.)

[bad-knees]

happenings / on my mind

1. i think i might have adhd, and i want to see someone about it to get a proper diagnosis. apparently it’s a common thing for trans women to uncover it once they get on hrt. plus my life has been dizzying with decisions / plans / wondering about this and that. my fears are about being seen as a drug seeker or a hypochondriac. But im tired of being scared about what people might think about me.

2. taking nudes, sending nudes to friends. not even sexual, just aesthetic, happy about my body, the curves and smooth. and the glow after working out.

3. thinking about ffs but i should wait. my work health insurance covers it so im wondering if i should speed run that. when the lighting’s right and im in the right mood, i kinda like the shape of my face. im looking more indian and i love it.

4. using femme voice a lot more, though im not so sure how femme it really is. mostly practice via vrchat. i should post to the trans voice subreddit for feedback.

5. trying to lose belly. cardio every day for 30-60min. also doing leg strength stuff because it helps with the knee pain. i want to lose belly fat so i can gain weight again and it goes to my chest and hips instead. also cardio is just good for my brain.

6. wanting to cook more, trying to at least. wanting to eat good food without having to resort to icky unhealthy restaurant food. want to eat more potatoes. want to learn how to make chicken curry.

7. told my boss im trans. it was awkward haha.

8. want to get the ball rolling with bottom surgery, given how long waitlists can be. though nervous since i won’t have anyone to take care of me, and i’ll probably have to miss a lot of work. well i can get the hair removal done whenever so might as well start that now. the hard part is timing it with potential ffs and when/how i want to come out of the closet more.

9. trying a todo list thing where i make a mind map of all the things i want to get done this week. break things down into smaller tasks and related things and unanswered questions and the reasons im procrastinating. it’s exploded of course, but feels good.

10. i keep trying to write songs but struggling to find words or feeling. well all i can do is listen and capture it when i find it.

11 . i think im done with drinking. one drink im bubbly and want to keep the feeling. two drinks and i get into a mood. three drinks and im horny and reckless. and it ruins the next day too.

12. being bi is dizzying. liking guys is easier. like how do you say “i wanna make out with you” to a girl friend and it not be weird?

13. i need to find a new book to read, fiction of course. things on my mind i want to explore: non-white feminism, trans women experiences, queerness in general, masochism kinks, femme sexuality, that thing people call womanhood, neurodivergence.

14. ill have to go to a christmas party with all my cousins on friday and ill have to pretend to be a straight man. or ill just be myself and let them think im the f-slur. whatever.

15. i want to buy a binder and a hole puncher to catalog mind maps and the ideas i have. so much living in random scraps of paper and in notebooks. i need to get better at developing ideas and connecting them. silly me, always sort of starting from scratch.

16. it’s hard to say what i really want. like what i want the future to look like. i see glimpses and try to piece together a vision. though so much is outside my control. and i get scared of wanting too much and letting myself down. today i see a house somewhere quiet, cuddling in the backyard till the mosquitos piss us off, romantic sex and i love you’s, a big bookshelf full of names I’ve never heard before, letters and calendars and a very full life.

[raenparade]

10/12 - Working Space and Methodologies

At the end of October, in one of our lectures we all discussed our working methods/space and what we think of them. We all had to take a picture of our desk at the time without cleaning it, and this was mine:

At the time my desk would most likely consist of:

Laptop/Laptop Stand

Graphics Tablet and/or Screen Tablets

Notepads

Tourbox Neo Editing Controller

Snacks/Random Crap

We also discussed pros/cons of our main work set up, and any changes we could make.

I have enough space for everything I need, too little space and it wouldn't function properly and too much - it would just end up being really cluttered. All the things I own are able to be moved pretty easily to suit whatever I'm working on. Using my tablet as a monitor is helpful when I'm writing or need more screen space to read and my laptop stand gives me a bit more room underneath without sacrificing precious desk space.

The desk isn't really a problem, it's more me! I get bored pretty quickly of the space I'm working in so I often feel like I need to switch it up. My brain will sometimes work fine one way for a week then suddenly it's not working, and it needs to be fixed now before I can bring myself to do anything else. It's mostly annoying because I can never tell when it's going to happen and can be really disruptive on a weekly or day-to-day basis.

I'm lucky enough to have a nice-sized living room with a dining table that I am able to work at should I want to. I'm also used to working on the floor or on my bed (even if it's not very good for my posture). I'll find myself drifting into my housemate's bedroom sometimes, more to have a body double than anything, which is really effective at getting me to finally work. Eldon is also really close, so I think I'll start coming in here to work, as I really like how the desks are set up and can be moved around easily!

I do like my desk! It’s spacious enough, even if it’s smaller than my desk at my parent’s house. It’s somewhere to sit and produce work and I enjoy having it facing the window, people watching is rather satisfying. My problem is that I’ve found myself wanting to work elsewhere recently, which has gotten worse as the nights have drawn in. For some reason I don’t like the idea of just sitting at my own desk all day, even if I am productive and get lots done. I feel like I should do this a little bit more, as when it comes to making art I prefer my set up most of all. The facilities in uni are more than fine! I’ve just gotten used to a certain way of working, and as I have to minimise decision making before I can work I usually just go with the easier option. Not always easier if you do want to avoid home, though.

I try to bounce around a lot, I love working in the Illustration studios, they’re spacious and there’s enough people to feel like there is some energy in there but you can also knuckle down and do a lot of work. I’ve even brought my tablet and everything in there before! I got quite a bit done! I’ve also taken my setup to Open Access! Felt a bit wrong, even though I wasn’t actually doing anything wrong. I blended in with the Cintiqs in the room and I was honestly surprised no one said anything.

It might sound like more effort, to bring everything to another building, instead of just working at home. On the surface, yes! But somewhere else I don’t have other distractions, and it scratches that itch I have to leave the house. I can set everything up relatively easily, and I’m lucky I don’t live too far. If I’m at home I’ll just get distracted by things in my room or procrastinate by doing chores or anything, and there’s not always someone to ‘body double’ with me.

Body doubling is an effective technique used by a lot of people, but works especially well with combating ADHD-induced procrastination. I’m not sure what it is about having someone else in a room or around you closely that means you get more done. If I am at home I do this with friends on a Discord call. I’m doing this right now, as I write this article! If I’m drawing, I’ll share my screen with a friend and they might nudge me if I go off track, but currently I’m listening to a podcast with a friend. I can sometimes just get work done by myself, with music, podcasts or video essays in the background. But us both listening to a podcast adds a sense of security, I think? Honestly, I also work pretty well in bed! I know people often say you shouldn’t blur the lines between work and rest areas, and I don’t disagree. However, I’ve readily accepted that I have to break a lot of conventions and subvert the way I work. If it works, it works! I try not to argue with my brain too much. I’ve learnt to not box myself in to certain expectations and working with my brain, not against it, has helped so much more than I thought before.

Thanks to my IKEA Blahaj shark, Kenneth, for his contribution to my workspace.