#I started crying watching it because like. god I get it. I mean like adhd teenage kid wanting to be a writer and publish novels like.

[areus-in-a-little-cave]

:( I miss technoblade

[princesayumi4k]

NFSW: Red SFW: Blue

Tenya has always seemed stern until you both got together. Ever since, he is clingy, will let you wear his glasses for fun, shares everything with you - even his phone and clothes.

He always goes to you for any problems, even sexual ones. (If he isn't smart enough to solve them himself.)

He spoils you rotten.

One thing that is sort of toxic about Tenya is the fact that he will make you do your homework - and will only help you under certain conditions. One plus is that he will play with your hair and praise you while you do it though.

He doesn't follow any girls on social media except his family members!

Everyone teases you for dating him, but he's not bad at all as a person or as a boyfriend.

He is autistic and was diagnosed with tourette's as a child but refuses to believe he has them just because he has a few occasional tics. (He also has ADHD which will make him pace around often)

Speaking of "pace"...during sex, he prefers to go a bit fast, but will slow down if you need him to. He prefers mating press so he can hear you if you say a/the safe word or if you start crying.

I feel like Tenya is a switch, like, if he is mad he wants to be dominant or if he just wants to have sex normally he's a dom, but the second you start sucking him off he's a sub - and other times are when you volunteer or if he just feels "bad" and wants to be "punished"

He hates PDA, the only thing he will do is hold hands. And it's not because of you - it's because he knows that people see you much more attractive than him and he wants to keep an eye out to see if anyone else checks you out - if someone does he immediately notices and will either shoot them a rude glare or will get uncomfortable and start kissing you in front of them - just to make them jealous. Sometimes he will sneak to grab your ass while doing so.

He absolutely loves your ass, and (if your a female) he loves your tits. (Oh yeah, quick mention I think that Tenya would be pansexual...)

He doesn't know how you see yourself as ugly, ass soon as you start talking and about yourself he wants to explode. He usually says things along the lines as "How could you not like how you look when you're dating me?"

Tenya is insecure, especially because he thinks you're much more attractive than he will ever be.

Tenya doesn't "hate sex" but doesn't "love it" either. He does it to pleasure the both of you and also because he thinks it's important to do in a relationship as what he calls it, a "step up".

You could probably guess/assume this...but Tenya's diet is healthy for the most part so his seed is very swallow-able. His seed's taste can be most comparable to a salt cracker that you get from buffets - but that's just the faint taste, it kind of tastes like chocolate milk? - He's very scared to cum inside you (without protection + if you're a girl and he's hitting from the front) but he will do it if you insist. He can't last long though, which is kind of disappointing but his cum is warm, and will shoot up instead of just laying in a spot, may I add, Tenya loves watching it dribble out of you.

This man is a god at aftercare. He will take a few breaths after he cums, pull out, wait for a few seconds to see if it dribbles out of you and then slowly becomes flaccid, but he will lay beside you and hold you close. The first question he asks is if you're okay, then will ask if he did good. He even takes little notes in his mind to see what he can do better.

The best thing about sex with this man is that he researches a bit every now and then, he learns your sensitive spots and will pound into them. He doesn't mean to hurt you when he does though, he says "I love you" before he cums and will whisper "I'm sorry dear..." if he thinks he hurts you while pounding.

Now, I say pounding but I don't mean like a rough dom pounding senselessly, I mean right before he cums he goes extra fast and rough so he can cum faster.

One thing he hates is titjobs, it gives him not only an extra mess to clean but he takes much longer to cum and it doesn't feel the same. Not that he doesn't love your tits or your body at all - he just hates titjobs. He's a sucker for handjobs though.

One thing he will never do is let you interrupt his studies with sex, he loves you and enjoys sex with you...but no. Sex is important in a relationship, he thinks so - but he thinks education is important as well so if you ever get married with Tenya he can get a good job for you and spoil you more, along with provide a roof over (y)our head(s).

DICK SIZE? Tenya is 6.5 inches flaccid and a good 8-8.5 when erect. He's thicker than he is long, but he's good at sex no matter what.

[venturismcdonald]

Derek Venturi has ADHD, a fact we've all acknowledged. (Casey might too but that's for another day, said as an ADHD high achieving, type a girlie myself.) And in my making of a Derek Venturi Pinterest board and refining of the Spotify playlist, I have come to several conclusions about his hyperfixations, so here they are, organized by age.

Age 3: Hockey. Hockey sticks around forever, but when he's three is when Derek becomes permanently obsessed. It is, by far, the coolest sport ever. Nothing about hockey is lame. Unlike his parents, who do not properly appreciate hockey or Derek's genius to make a hockey rink out of the living room.

Age 5: Space. It's this vast, neverending thing and there's all these stars and constellations and it just clicks. Derek learns how to read because he wants to know about space. Planets and how they work and stars and their meanings consume his every waking thought for months.

Age 6: Greek gods/mythology. Look, alright, he's not a religious dude. It's weird. Not Derek's style. But gods are so cool and dysfunctional and everything that a good story should have! There are affairs! There's incest for some reason (gross!)! There's curses and everything that he loves! They have stories of stars and it's awesome.

Age 7: Norse gods. These are cooler than Greek gods (no offense to Zeus), because Thor is literally in Derek's comic books. Comics are obviously cooler than whatever the gods are. Not to mention, they have similar star amounts.

Age 8: Superheroes. Abby and George can't stop fighting and Edwin keeps crying and Derek hates everything, so he retreats to the world of his comics with Ed by his side. The comics are great! They're easy, stop tears from happening (which, by the way, is the only thing he cares about), and not to mention, fricking awesome. Superheroes are objectively the coolest. His favorite is, obviously, Batman. The dude has everything.

Age 10: Smarti. Look, alright, there's a baby and a dissolving family and the baby's the thing being used to try and cobble it back together? Fuck that! Derek loves his Smarti more than anything and he will not let her be a pawn in the dysfunction of the Venturi household, which leads him to essentially parent her when the parents are fighting. Someone pay him for his labor, he's literally begging.

Age 11: Girls. Derek is not a romantic, by any means, but he likes the attraction and kissing (and more than kissing, but that's after he's hit at least 14) and the game of dating. It's great. There's always girls lining up to be with him. He's never bored.

Age 12: Subculture history. How the fuck Derek Venturi ends up at a punk show is something even he doesn't know. But it's cool and he starts becoming obsessed with the bands and the history until his room is covered in posters and he's got CDs of them everywhere. He is, obviously, not a punk though, because Derek's cool. If anything, he's more grunge.

Age 13: Film. Being a director seems to bring all of Derek's best traits to the foreground, but if he's going to be successful, he needs to watch movies. So he spends every weekend watching movies with the boys before going to a party. At his core, he's pretty sure he turned into a film obsessed nerd for a year of his life. Thank god he's still Derek, god of everything.

Age 14: Music. He learns to play guitar for a girl, but decides to keep up at it because it's fun. Music is cool, it's a good way to vent his frustrations with everything. Did he mention that it gets girls?

Age 15: Casey. The alien specimen moved in and didn't only take over his house, she took over his brain! What a bratty princess. Was it not enough to have to share a room and legally bonded parents with her? It's so unfair. This hyperfixation sticks around forever, but it's also originally a hyperfixation.

Age 16: Pluto. When asked about the fateful weekend where Derek had his Casey induced breakdown (now he has feelings for her, which is so inconvenient, and why are they so strong?! He doesn't want that, he likes easy. Casey is not easy), he will say it was because Pluto wasn't a planet anymore, which is valid because it played a role too. The worst weekend of his life, by far, was that one. Because of Pluto, not Casey!

Age 16: Anti Football Propaganda. Derek's never liked football, but when he's 16, that hatred consumes him for several months. It dies when Casey and Max's relationship does. There's no correlation. Obviously. He just hates football!

Age 17: Love. For the first time in his life, Derek's in a (gag) serious relationship. And he's in love with Sally. Love is weird, though, because it feels like his brain normally does, just with more emotions he's acknowledging. Love is a hyperfixation, is it not? The devotion of keeping oneself in love with someone, putting them first, it's that. Obviously.

[dragons-and-dwarves-are-nice]

To the Shadows that Cry Witch /// Chapter 14

OK SO APPARENTLY I MISSED POSTING LAST WEEKS CHAPTER??? I mean I was panicking about going on holiday, BUT STILL?? THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T EVEN REALISE. Guys if I don't post feel free to ask me why because 9/10 times it's my dumb adhd ass forgetting cuz she's stressed. But on the bright side - I GOT INTO UNIVERSITY!!! So I'm in a very good mood rn and managed to write this entire chapter in less than an hour. It hasn't been proofread, but I'm gonna have to do that another time. Enjoy! <3

Summary: Magic was real, but it came at a price. So when two girls end up in the one place they never thought they could reach, strange things began to happen. Good or bad? That's up to them to find out.

Tags: Kili x oc/reader - Fili x oc (POV to be written soon) - Thorin's company × ocs/reader (platonic) - fluff - angst - EXTREME slow burn - crack - Bagginshield

Word Count: 1732

Warnings: Mentions of Minor and Major Injuries from last chapter.

Taglist - comment or message to be added!

PLEASE START FROM THE BEGINNING IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY OK LOVE U

Want some background music? Check out my Soundtrack Playlist!

Now available on Wattpad and AO3 (please let me know if links aren't working)

< Chapter 13 // Chapter 14 // Chapter 15 >

Part 2: Chapter 14 -

Thanks, I hate it.

Skreigh (Definition): To utter a harsh abrupt scream (Noun / Origin: Gaelic / Sk·r·ay)

Eventually, Kay lifted her head up. Her grey eyes were rimmed by a crimson red as they blinked up as the two of us, and if you looked closely, you could see a tremble in her hands as they came up to wipe at her face.

Bilbo immediately sped into action, marching over to the bed and swiping the second blanket that laid at the end. Shaking it out of its folds, he draped it over Kay’s shoulders, and I handed over her tea, making sure that the shaking in her limbs didn’t spill the hot liquid down her front. Taking a small sip, she let out a shaky sigh.

“Are you okay?”

Bilbo was the first to break the silence with his question, kneeling down in front of my friend, looking at her with both concern and slight fear.

Kay nodded. Bilbo got up, murmuring something about food helping before he left for what was probably the kitchen. I waited a second before speaking.

“That was so scary.” I whispered, too shocked about the ordeal to take note of my volume.

“I’m fine, really.” Kay croaked, taking another sip of tea.

“Kay, I thought you were dying.” I protested, “What happened?”

She opened her mouth, taking a few seconds to get the words out.

“I wanted to tell Bilbo about where we came from, where our home is and–” She welled up, taking deep breaths to calm herself down as I waited patiently in silence. “My head just started to hurt. Like, worse than the concussion, as if someone stuck knives in both sides of my brain and shimmied them around. And then… I tried again to say something out loud and my throat just closed up.”

I shuffled over next to her, and she leant on me, resting her head on my shoulder as she cradled the tea in her hand.

“I guess I also thought I was dying.”

I tensed up at her words, now scared about what would happen to me if I tried to do anything similar, whilst simultaneously being scared for Kay. Though I was brought back out of my thoughts at the sound of her voice again.

“–It was as if something didn’t want me saying anything.”

I felt the hairs on my neck stand up at those words, and I suddenly got the god-awful feeling – you know – the one where you feel like you’re being watched. But I knew that surely, we couldn’t be, since the only door was closed and the curtains drawn. But that attempted reassurance did nothing to stifle the uneasy sensation that grazed itself along the back of my neck and down the sides of my arms.

“Maybe that something doesn’t want people finding out about us?” I suggested to try and reassure Kay, and also distract myself from that weird feeling. “It could be to protect us.”

“Protect us from what?” She whispered nervously.

“Perhaps from those who… want to use our knowledge to cause harm?”

I felt Kay’s head shift on my shoulder slightly, and I could see the way her brows furrowed in confusion.

“What knowledge? Half the stuff we know is too advanced for them. Like, not to brag, but A-Level Sciences are something they’re a long while away from understanding.”

I nodded in agreement, feeling a small smile appear on my face at the thought of being the smarter one for once. Though all those thoughts were washed away as an answer to Kay’s question came to mind.

“Maybe… knowledge of what is to come?”

Kay froze.

“Shit. You’re right.” She hissed.

A beat passed as more thoughts invaded my mind. One stood out, and I quickly shuffled to sit opposite Kay, facing her.

“We need to find out what day it is.” I blurted.

“Day? I heard Bilbo say what day it was earlier, but it was a weird word…” She mentioned, scratching at her head in thought.

“Can you remember what it was?” I asked, the desperation in my voice crawling through.

“I’m pretty sure it began with an M?” She replied.

I immediately racked my brain, sifting through all the obscure Middle Earth facts I had read over the years. I knew that the Shire had its own calendar, including days of the week. They were the same as our days of the week, but some days had a different name. From what I could recall, Sunday and Monday remained the same, and I could easily remember that Tuesday was Trewsday, due to them both sounding so similar, but the rest were still tucked away, hidden in the confines of my mind that only resurfaced once in a blue moon, and believe me, it is as frustrating as it sounds.

“Mer-something?” She added.

“Mersday!” I half yelled. “I think that means Thursday?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.” She said confused.

I fiddled with the corner of the blanket that was draped over Kay, then twisted towards the door.

“BILBO?!”

A crash was heard, then the rapid slapping of feet on wood, before Bilbo rounded the corner with frantic eyes.

“Yes?!” he gasped.

“What’s the date?” I asked with a smile.

He paused, a deadpan look on his face as he realised no one was dying again, and he straightened up with a heave, in an attempt to retrieve his breath.

“Date?”

We both nodded with a grin, and with an unamused sigh, he answered.

“It’s Mersday, the twenty-ninth of September, if you must know.” He huffed with a shrug, slapping his hands on his legs. “Any other obscure things you wish to know, after almost dying for no reason?”

The two of us looked at each other, and he rolled his eyes with a groan.

“Yes, what?” He asked sarcastically.

“The year?” I said.

He gave us a strange look, as he has done every time we did something out of the ordinary over the last couple days.

“Twentyyy… nine, thirty nine.” He answered slowly.

“Thirty-nine?” I repeated.

“Y-yes.” He said exasperated.

“Ok,” I said as I did the math in my head, before looking back up at Bilbo. “Thank you.”

He nodded slowly, a little unsure about what just went on in the last few minutes, and began turning back towards the door.

“That’s no problem. I’m gonna… make myself a cup of…” He pointed awkwardly at the doorway, “Chamomile. Yep. Chamo – Goodnight.”

He disappeared promptly, and I twisted back towards Kay.

“So it seems that we’re a little early.” I whispered.

“For the…” She made a walking motion with her fingers.

“Journey, yes.” I nodded. “A whole 20 months before Gandalf shows up, if I’m correct.”

Kay grunted in frustration, most likely at the thought of waiting for an entire year and eight months for Gandalf to commence O.D.R – Operation Dwarf Rave, in other words. Or Bag End’s demise, if you will.

Stifling a yawn, I lifted Kay’s arm up to squint at the time on her Hello Kitty watch she had retrieved from her suitcase earlier, to see it was almost midnight. I got to my feet and shuffled over to the door.

“Right, I’m gonna head to bed and attempt to rid my brain of the image of you dying. And you’re gonna sleep until you’re fully energised after all –” I gestured at her, “–that.”

She nodded in agreement, and flopped onto her bed, wrapping her arms around her teddy.

“And no talking about our world.” I said in a mocking strict voice.

Kay rolled her eyes at me, and I ducked through the doorway as a pillow flew in my direction. I yelled goodnight as I made my way back through the house to my room, extinguishing the low burning candles on my way, allowing the darkness to follow me until I reached the glow of Bilbo’s room, who was already watching the doorway as my footsteps neared.

“Is she alright now?” he asked, a slight undertone of worry in his voice.

I nodded. “Yea she’s gone to bed. Still a little shaky, but she’s managed to calm down.”

“Ok.” He said, reassuring himself with a nod, before looking back up at me. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

I smiled as we both bid each other goodnight, and I carried on down the hallway. Ducking under the last archway, I finally made it to my room and closed the door behind me. Taking the last lit candle, I placed it on my bedside as I changed out of my clothes into one of Bilbo’s nightgowns, which acted as more of a shirt for me. Shuffling under the covers, I turned around towards the headboard. Manoeuvring the pillows around, I took some and scrunched them in an out in an attempt to fluff them up. Placing the final one down with a pat, I kept my body facing the head of the bed as a leant over to the candle. Opening my mouth slightly, I prepared to blow out the flame, only to halt in my tracks.

I felt myself freeze in place at the sound of a rustle within the room. Moving only my eyes to the left, I stared in the direction of the noise, which sounded like something heavy being knocked around. It was soon silent again, only the sound of the wind and the faint hoot of a distant owl from outside, along with the roaring of blood from my rapidly beating heart, could be heard.

Slowly but surely, I turned my head, until I was finally able to see the entirety of the dimly lit room. Staring with wide eyes, my sight fell upon the wardrobe in the corner.

Whilst being half the size of my one at home, it was still large enough to hide someone, which was exactly what I was panicking about. As silently as I could, I slipped off the bed, candlestick in hand, along with the small stool from another corner, and I crept towards the tall piece of furniture.

Now, I understand that in horror films, this is exactly how someone gets killed, but I needed my sleep, and I wasn’t going to let some hobbit burglar that wasn’t Bilbo take that away from me.

Pointing the stool legs towards the doors, I placed the candle on the chest of drawers next to the wardrobe, and slowly stretched out my hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please let me know if you want to be added to the Taglist!

< Chapter 13 // Chapter 14 // Chapter 15 >

Return to Fic Masterlist

Return to Navigation

Can't wait to see you soon for Chapter 15! Also please comment if you want to be added to the Taglist <3

Taglist:

@opheliasdrowningg @mrsdurin @g1gglef1t @qmabailor @jupiterrdarling @emstar07 @geewoo-ko @phanryesworld @stuckupstucky @rebeccao03

(Message me if your tag isn’t working)

[obscureashe]

Heylo here! I came here for the valentine special (HELPP)

I’m Joey, he/him pronouns, transgender lithromantic, leo, adhd (self-diagnosed but for a good reason)

PERSONALITY: im a pretty chill and easygoing person, i like to rant about my interests a lot and I’m pretty good achiever im very focused but im also pretty lazy person when i feel burnt out, i prefer to be alone when working but then i would really want to work with others, i don’t talk a lot and im very bad at communicating and I’m scared that Ill say something wrong and get weird looks, im more like a person who has a Ena Shinonome Personality but anyways I also like to make sexual jokes when im completely comfortable when im with a person, at first I am a very Awkward person so I would probably have to get to know the person a little more before I can be myself around them

I have severe anxiety so it’s hard for me to feel like im normal because I feel like people judge me for being me. I’m afraid of what they think about me when they see me or talk to me. I do not like rude people at ALL. I am a very kind person and when someone starts being rude to me I throw hurtful insults that I don’t mean because they made me snap so I don’t know how to control myself afterwards. Also I don’t know how to comfort people. I just don’t know how and I’m afraid I’ll mess up and make them feel worse.

LIKES:

I love the color black a lot. Including with other darker colors. And I do like lighter colors like blue, green, red, yellow, etc, I like romance and dark genre’s, i love reading manga/books and watching stuff too, and I absolutely love music i wouldn’t know what to do with my life if there wasn’t music, i also like theater and musicals, i also love gaming a lot bc I have a lot of games, i like rhythm games the most, i also love lemon demon/neil cicierega in general, i love being with my online/irl friends a lot, i love hotels too and I like eating bread and my favorite animal is a shark, im also a goth/medalhead! and i play the electric guitar everyday

DISLIKES:

negitive mentions of my voice, comparing me to people/saying stuff like "you remind me of ____", also spiders like good god no. i dislike very rude people, hot weather, talking on the phone and I think that’s it.

also im on with pretty much anyone romantically and platonically as well, so just have fun with this request :) thank you!

I honestly love your request ♡ so thanks for sending me one! + you're the first one without a preference too!

For your platonic match up, I'm pairing you with. . .

Gyomei Himejima »

There's nothing wrong you can say to him, and its fine if you're bad at communication or talking. He's fine with silence while you hang out, and he always seems to know what you mean anyway

not an ounce of judgement in his body

like if you don't want to, he'll just talk about anything until you're comfortable, or do the opposite and listen to you if you needed to vent to him

for someone who's 7'2 and intimidating to look at, he's the complete opposite and so understanding

he's always genuine, honest and kind

he doesn't compliment much, so when he does you can be sure he means it, especially your taste and talent in music

he loves listening to you're interests and day by the way. hearing you speak so passionately about the things you love makes him smile

And for your romantic match up, I'm pairing you with. . .

Mitsuri Kanroji »

would also be a great friend first, and she's friendly to everyone

she's honest and very open about how she feels, so there's literally nothing she can hide from you

(if you wanted or worried about what she thought of you she'd tell you, regardless)

she loves everyone. and your preference not to talk is nothing short of p e r f e c t i o n to her. she thinks its adorable beyond belief.

honestly, in a relationship with you she's always giddy and smiling about everything

mitsuri and sexual jokes would have her crying with laughter + red with embarrassment

she compliments everyone in her head, and being her partner isn't an exception

she can't lie either, so every single compliment she gives you she means with her whole heart

adores your art and goth music

gushes at you when you're drawing or playing your electric guitar (she loves western things, and it would be so new and exciting!)

borrowing her romance books

and seeing a musical with her would be such a lovely date idea

she'd ask you out to dinner, either afterwards or for a first date

and she's a great cook! would probably sneak in snacks to you while you were busy or playing games

its never boring with her around either, with her bubbly personality and clumsiness, i'm sure you'd always have something to do

she loves planting little butterfly kisses to the tip of your nose + especially your lips

hugs and hand holding too ♡ (will squish you pretty hard so be warned)

you'll probably hear 'i love you' from her everyday

imagining the two of you dancing together is ♡

there you go! thank you again and i hope you liked your match up! + i think mitsuri would hate spiders too (same), so i'm pretty sure between you and mitsuri, a spider would win

[unidentifiedlyingobject]

HIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! U SAID SEND ASKS SO!!! HERE!!!!

1. cats or dogs?

2. kill or be killed? (this is abit of a heavy one, sorry :3)

3. who's ur fav doctor?

4. fav book(s)?

5. [imagine theres a question about whatever u want to talk about here. manu questions if u wish. or none]

i am tryong to think of more questions but i am. sleepy

no pressure to answer them obviously :D

AAAAAA YAYYYY THANK YOUU :]]

ok it turns out I've written A LOT because I can't give simple answers so it's all under the cut

1. CATS ABSOLUTELY I have no cat but I do have a street cat friend called Scotty McSnotty because he dribbles when he's happy and he does a lot of dribbling poor dude anyway he likes to attack me with cuddles if I see him in the morning

2. oh god kill or be killed?????? ok um I really should say be killed but like I'm hugely scared of death so under pressure I would probably say kill

but like --- I would dedicate my life to making up for it? I would fix the prison system and try to eliminate the selling of the weapon I used to kill the person and make sure the person's family/friends get their voices heard and stuff? I mean I'm a pacifist and so I'd probably die in a death fight straight away because it's sort of against my beliefs to actually fight back

realistically I would be killed in a physical fight but if it was less physical then I would shamefully choose kill

:D (insert untimely smiley face here)

3. aaaaghhhhhh this is more dramatic than the last question???? WHO'S MY FAVOURITE DOCTOR??????

ok so I have to admit that I have never watched doctor who episodes in order EVER and it's something I'm planning to do the summer after my final exams

therefore I know basically none of the plot but all of the vibes

BUT I would have to say either the eleventh for his neverending goofiness

OR the twelfth for being like really awesome all the time and also my early childhood doctor as well

BUT THEN I realise AAAAGHAGHHHH THE FIFTEENTH DOCTOR EXISTS????? so that puts a spanner in the works as people say

and yet... I don't know much of him THUS FAR but fifteen is definitely a contender

I apologise bc that was not an AT ALL conclusive answer :]

4. ok I love Patrick Ness books, particularly the Chaos Walking Trilogy because that gets really psychological towards the end, and A Monster Calls because of how evil is passed around all the characters and you start to feel sympathy out of nowhere

and another lovely book is The Graveyard Book (by Neil) and I find it quite comforting because there's something so peaceful and familiar about the graveyard, also the end makes me CRY

also Animal Farm is SO COOL AND IRONIC AND BRILLIANT like FARMYARD ANIMALS BLENDED WITH THE SOVIET UNION TO CREATE A HAUNTING HILARIOUS FAIRYTALE?? absolutely

and recently I've been reading Frances Harding books, such as The Lie Tree which is victorian and feminist and there's a subtle lesbian couple who drive the getaway vehicle at the end too

anyway this makes it seem like I read all the time but it's SO DIFFICULT FOR ME TO READ SOMETIMES it makes me very annoyed because I know I would enjoy the book if I could process sentences properly before moving onto the next sentence - I don't think it's dyslexia tho I think it's just tiredness and adhd

A Face Like Glass also by Frances Harding was my favourite because it was really fantasy and mysterious, it's where they all live in a big cave and there's a bunch of capitalist totalitarianism where the main character gets to experience a rich Upper Class lifestyle because a posh family adopt her, and then she sees the awful conditions of the working class who are hidden away behind distant tunnels and suffer their whole lives for the benefit of the Upper Class, and there's a whole bunch of assassination too :D

but SOMETIMES I read an absolutely brilliant book :)

5. ooooh my own question?? ok I'm going to talk about having to do the Duke of Edinburgh thing T_T

I'm not really sure why I signed up but it was quite simple mostly, except now we have to do an expedition and we have a training day tomorrow

my group isn't Too Bad, I've got the majority of my friends in it

there was a whole confusion with tent sharing (it's old fashioned 'same sex assigned at birth' stuff) because one of my group members is trans and quite passing so the DofE organising teacher got in a bit of a muddle anyway that's resolved

AND THEN there are a few people who got put in random groups with spaces because they didn't have a group, and I'm totally ok with that but our group isn't the kind of group someone would want to be added to. and the guy who joined our group is a mixture of heavily bullied but also deeply homophobic (more as a survival instinct I think) and the only interaction I've ever had with him was telling him to 'will you fucking shut up' because he was homophobically bullying my friend (who also happens to be straight but still) so that's going to be FUN (I don't think he's brave enough to say something homophobic in my presence so he'll just sulk at the back probably)

BUT THEN one of my friend's science teachers helps lead the queer group in school, and she seemed very connected to our group (because 4/6 of us are queer) so she's chosen us to be the group she supervises HOWEVER she is kind of a dick sometimes in that she always HAS to be Right, and I find it a bit frustrating. She also pulls people over for chats, like DEEP chats to do with mental health, and she tries to do it subtly but it ends up being REALLY obvious and awkward

but I am the person in the group who finds it easiest to talk to teachers so I know who I will be socialising the most with :)

therefore: seven mostly queer and mostly adhd teens have to put up and take down three tents, cook meals (I am the only vegetarian in the group and my friends are a bit mean about it but they underestimate how easy it will be for me to just cook my own food) and spend hours walking when only one of us has ever hiked before and we all have a shared LOATHING of PE

that will take up two and a half weekends of my time so I can't wait/s

anyway rant over :P

I have a feeling I know the answer as to whether you prefer cats or dogs, and also your favourite doctor loll, but I'm interested to find out the answer you would give to questions 2 and 4!!!

:D

[cocomuffy]

i found the book i wrote when i was in 6th grade. i think it was trying to be fantasy (?)

warning, this is some bottom of the barrel writing. but luckily you don't have to read the actual text. maybe if this gets enough notes i'll do the "Second" book that I wrote that continues the story. but I don't know.

here's the plot:

a girl named stephanie (i can't find her last name but i have a feeling it was bailey) is going to lady school™ and reminiscing on when this old lady used to tell her fairy tales

and then there's a boulder that absolutely WRECKS her building so she gets the old lady (who's still alive?) and the kids in the back ( i guess some of the ladies were already mothers?) and takes them to a safe location while her town gets absolutely destroyed.

she runs into this chick named Annalise (i swear i was bi before i knew it these two were definitely lesbians for each other but i have stephanie a boyfriend) and then the girl is like "your aura.... come with me"

and so the story goes that there are three branches, life/plants, ocean, and ice. why? i don't know. why aren't ice and ocean the same thing? i don't know. why isn't there fire or rock? i don't know. why is the first one only plants? no idea.

but apparently some bad guys are at it again or whatever so Annalise and Stephanie run into the forest and stephanie rips off half of her dress because she wears jeans under it because she doesn't like dresses. i never use the phrase "not like other girls" though so i'm proud of myself.

so then they set out for "Tehen", which means "happy" in the elf language that is never named or brought up again other than our third character's name: Kinnteir (Kin-tear) (I don't know if it's tear as in tear in clothing or tear of an eye, only 6th grade me does).

But they all bond for a while and there's this red dust that paralyzes Annalise but apparently the old lady and children from the beginning survive and stephanie goes to them for help because the old woman is like my ultimate plot saver in this book. This lasts two paragraphs.

they find the ice branch, which I distinctly remember used to be two characters but then I got tired of trying to juggle them so I rewrote them to just be one character so i bet that Elle's gonna be a delight.

Then they get attacked by giants(?) and like they get wiped? Stephanie passes out. Typical.

Wolves attack that night for GOD KNOWS WHY.

They meet a monster I don't remember the name of that makes them fall asleep, we get some poorly written angst and then Stephanie starts getting premonition visions (which is what Annalise was so concerned about).

She sees them fighting a big shadowy bad guy and watching someone kill Kinnteir

Elle then goes all spooky and evil. i mean look at how tense this scene is:

" I see a cloaked person fighting with him, he didn’t look like anything I’d seen. I join him. 'What are you?' 'One of you' she says as she pulls out the ice staff and freezes my feet in place on the dirt. 'Elle?' 'Correct.' My heart breaks."

Chills.

Then Anna goes hunting, I guess we're supposed to find more tension with Kinnteir and Steph but nothing really happens? Steph has another vision and they go try and help the already injured Anna.

Just found the name of the sleepy monster. "ShiinSlump". I kid you not. Shiinslump. Who names these things. Me, apparently.

But some true love's kiss stuff happens and then they're all fine again

Stephanie has a vision that Anna becomes one of the cloak monsters. Spooky. The premonition, action, and crying all takes up about one and a half paragraphs.

Wow you can tell I have ADHD.

Then Kinnteir just drops this TRUTH BOMB:

"Hey, I was doing research, it turns out the fourth one is a mystic powerful person that comes around every 5,000 years."

So yeah, Stephanie has mystic ancient powers. Guess she isn't like other girls after all.

After Kinntier and Stephanie meet the newly evil Anna, they go to a hospital and get Stephanie treated I guess

Then I randomly introduced the fact that Anna can produce sedatives that spray out of her flowers like the Joker but okay go off.

The book ends with the vision from the beginning happening, and then ELLE DIES

JUST STRAIGHT UP... DEAD. STRANGLED BY ANNALISE

wow.

so that was fun, right?

if you got down here i think that your determination far exceeds anything i've ever felt. good job.

[thezsisters]

Challenge of the mind

When I was younger, say 5, 6 years old, I used to think that all mentally unstable people are those you will find by the road either half naked or fully naked with matted hair thick enough to break a comb and always talking to themselves. I was scared of those people. I remember my first encounter with one around the Accra mall. It was terrifying. He grabbed my wrist and started talking gibberish in my face. Luckily, he let go before I could scream bloody murder and turned away to harass his next victim. I was shaking like a leaf. I’m pretty sure my soul left my body at some point. When I got home, I went straight to the bathroom to take a shower, scrubbing around my wrist so vigorously it started to hurt.

There’s a saying in Ghana that goes, ” Many are mad, but few are roaming.” Growing up, I came to a conclusion that not all mentally unstable people are on the streets. There are so many people who look normal on the outside, but inside, they are struggling, tearing apart, some are even dead inside – no feelings whatsoever. Yet they aren’t on the streets. They are in offices, our classrooms, hospitals, and even our churches.

What is Mental Health?

I did some research and came across the definition of mental health and types of mental health issues. Believe me when I say the types are not what I expected.

Mental health according to The World Health Organization, is a state of mental well-being that enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realize their abilities, learn well and work well, and contribute to their community. So basically, if we aren’t in the right mental state, we can’t think or act properly, and we start to feel disoriented. Like a faulty switch kind of situation? Imagine trying to drive with a faulty car. That is mental health. Keeping our mental state clear and healthy.

I asked myself one afternoon on my way to lectures, what the types of mental health issues are, or what you call a mental issue? Is depression a mental issue? Anxiety? Fear? Well, apparently, these are types of mental health. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, ADHD, OCD, bipolar disorder, some of which I never thought would be classified under mental health issues like eating disorders, autism, schizophrenia?

Either way, a lot of people don’t share what they are going through. I can be walking, all smiles and laughs, but deep down, I’m not happy. I am crying inside, ripping my very own heart into shreds. Happens a lot to a lot of people, your friends, siblings, enemies, and even our parents.

I want to share a personal experience at this point. When I was in junior high school, I had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends. I wasn’t really shy because I tried so hard to fit in. I had a few friends, though, say three or four, but I felt I couldn’t get to their standards, and so I felt left out. In my attempt to try to fit in, I ended up scaring the little friends I had away.

A few years later, I discovered that people did like me in junior high school, they just didn’t associate with me because I looked mean and always pushed people away from me with my moody personality and till date I don’t even understand what that means. I didn’t understand why people didn’t talk to me, people didn’t sit with me, I’m always arguing with people trying to defend myself and it made me look problematic and so I stopped trying. That's the story of my life.

So don’t take your mental health for granted. Before I sign off, I just want to remind you that there is a God, a powerful God who is watching over you and has big plans for you. He loves you and will always love you. This is the perrie writer and I will see you all later. Take care.

Written by Queen Ijeoma.

[commanderquinn]

Good Space Chapter 3: Hey Gringo

! i dont! keep these posts! updated! like i do! ao3!

that means you're going to find typos and shit (and possibly minor detail changes) that don't match the ao3 version! that's because im not going to bother fixing the tumblr posts until i finish good space as a whole. im only uploading them here as a backup tbh

—

master list / ao3 chapter link

—

warnings: ayyy!! none this time!! unless you wanna count Highly Disrespectful Thoughts ❤️ tho!!! the flashbacks are shuri, heads up for anyone who is a big baby (like me) and still crying over WF. also (shocker) bucko angst/panic attacks

song: it KALEO time!! istg there are golden oldies and hippie classics on this intended playlist, we just havent gotten to them yet. this choice is mega self-indulgent on my end ngl, buuuuut thats the whole fic in general lbr (side note: every time i write Angy Ava, i want you to imagine the vocal intensity of jefferson airplane’s lead singer, grace slick)

the timing of this chapter could NOT have been better with the probably-russian hackers knocking out ao3 that long. i mean it dude, im pretty sure the universe had a good chuckle over this one bc i sure as shit had to sit here and go “youre pullin my leg bud”

also now feels like a good time to mention, for absolutely no reason in particular (definitely not bc of Bucky being a Huge Simp this chapter), that i hc bucky as a dom with service top leanings. i just didnt wanna give the impression that reader is dom for this and accidentally get anyones hopes up with no payoff. i try to avoid that as much as i can bc god knows i drop Big Honkers on y’all every damn chapter, id hate for you to get all the way to the end of this and not get your cookie, y’know? (i am, ofc, down to write mega sub bucky for smut-shot requests)

also remember when i mentioned giving ava a HANDFUL of physical details for writing fuel? 🌝 (ur gonna think im funny rlly soon, dw)

anyways if you dont have adhd, good luck and god speed with the idiots thinkin abt each other in this chapter ❤️ im so sorry in advance 🥺😔

—

Febuary 17th, 2015

"Good morning, Sh—"

"Have you left your worthless husband yet?" Shuri impatiently taps a finger against her elbow, where her arms are crossed over her chest. 

She watches Ava sigh on the other end of the vidcall. The woman looks too tired. She needs rest. Shuri wants to stab Alec all over again. She's going to make a new, self-lacing, possibly electrified dagger just for the occasion. "I know you're just trying to—"

"We can come to get you. I will send T'Challa. You must promise me that you will have him get me something from Washington." Shuri raises a stern finger, pointing it directly at the camera. "Do not let him pick it out himself—"

"Shuri, honey, I love you with all my heart, but please—"

"I want you to pick it. The furniture in your office is ridiculous; I want something like that."

A smile far too small pulls at the corners of Ava's lips. Her smile used to move freely, and it will do so again if Shuri has any say in the matter. Which she does. "Well, thank you, I work very hard to keep it ridiculous. Now—"

"It will make me think of you whenever you are not around to make fun of my brother with me. My mother will get the lawyers you need to start your divorce—"

"I—sweetheart, please, it's been a very long night—"

"It is the afternoon where you are. You have not even had breakfast, have you? Of course not. You are busy doing the work while Alec—"

"Shuri!" Ava puts a hand over her eyes and takes an unsteady breath in. "I'm sorry. This is—it's been a long night. I didn't mean to yell at you—"

"You need to start yelling much more, Ava. Aim it at your worthless husband while you tell him you are leaving," Shuri argues, entirely fed up with how the doctor allows the spineless dickhead to make her miserable. "T'challa will remove him for you while you stay here with us."

Alec—she refuses to call him Ryder; the man does not deserve to have taken the doctor's name—leans into the camera view, his expression bored. Dismissive. Shuri wants to smash his wrinkling, greasy face in with her fist. "While I appreciate the offer, your majesty, my wife and I can handle our private life alone."

Shuri glares back at him, one of her eyebrows hiked as far up as she can comfortably get it. "Do you really think being aware of your presence on this call will deter me from reminding my friend that you are a demon?" She looks pointedly at Ava, who's still covering her eyes. "He is a demon. A pasty, rude demon."

"Alec is going to shut the fuck up now, I promise." The fingers over Ava's eyes pull in until she's pinching the bridge of her nose tightly. She looks as if she's fighting off a migraine. She probably is. And it is Alec's fault. "That way, we can get this over with, and I can finally get some sleep—"

"Which you need and are not getting enough of." The words slip out before Shuri can stop them. 

Ava's shoulders deflate slightly. Her hand drops, and she attempts another smile that doesn't reach her eyes, making Shuri feel a pang of guilt. "No, I'm not. But I will, just as soon as we finish the basic adaptation matrix. I promise."

Ava always encourages her to speak her mind, no matter what. Sometimes it gets her into trouble. She is not looking to berate her favorite Canadian; she loves leaving the vidcomm between their labs on. The open connection is a comforting window into the outside, one that lets Shrui indulge in any question or raving that passes through her mind. 

Alec is a poison in her friend's life, and Shuri will not back down from reminding her of that. But mother and Nakia have sat with her over this, explaining that sometimes, an abused heart will cling to what hurts it. They have to be supportive while Ava works through this. She's getting there. Just not nearly fast enough for Shuri's patience.

Father has been reminding them all that Alec is a risk, given what he knows. Trusting Ava means trusting her for the duration, and they can't go back now. If she says she is handling the issue of separating the man from her work, they have to allow her room to do that. But T'Challa has been ordered to keep close, or at the very least, ready to go.

As much as she despises Alec, Shuri does not wish to see Ava hurt in this. Not any more than necessary. She is also not interested in trying to control her friend the way her mother sometimes tries to control her. It is infuriating. 

So, taking a deep breath and squaring her shoulders, she lets some of the fight leave her. For the sake of Ava, not the pasty demon. "I have the latest build ready for transfer." 

"You're sure you've secured the connection on your end?" Alec has the audacity to question, even outside of the frame. "I'm not interested in spending my week chasing traces of this—"

"Do I look as if I will hesitate to strike you, colonizer?!"

—

"I'm just saying, Humpty Dumpty."

"Fuck off," Bucky wheezes at the billionaire, compressing the towel he grabbed from his new medkit against his ribs. Why he expected to make it through his first mission back without having to crack it open, he's not entirely sure now that he's sitting in the hindsight. Getting shot today was, if he's honest with himself, entirely predictable. It's his luck, after all. 

"We let you out of the house again for five minutes, and you've already broken yourself." Tony shakes his head as he tsk's, making Bucky roll his eyes lazily. "What's Ryder going to think? If you keep this up, you'll give the woman a complex about draining your mojo."

"She's going to think I throw myself in front of armor-piercing rounds for idiots that don't notice when they're being shot at." The mention of Ava brings the doctor's smiling face to the forefront of his mind. Bucky leans back against the Quinjet's co-pilot seat, letting his eyes fall closed. 

He could take care of this latest injury himself. That's what he usually does. Thanks to the serum, all he has to do is keep the wound clean for a few hours while his body stitches itself back together. Nothing's broken, and he'd be in much more pain if anything were punctured. Hell, he'd probably be dead already. The fix for this is so easy it'll practically handle itself.

"You always get so cranky after you've played the hero." He hears Tony kick his feet up on the Quinjet's main controls. "Take a breather. Maybe a bow or two. Believe it or not, it's possible to accept a compliment now and then."

"Grandstand more often, got it."

Ava's probably going to hear about today's incident now that Bucky thinks about it. If anything, Steve's going to make sure of it. He doubts she'd guilt him for not being comfortable with an optional trip to medical. They've been having more conversations about boundaries and comfort, and she's been unwaveringly supportive of him moving at his own pace. 

"You don't have to grandstand, you gigantic baby," Natasha chides from between the chairs. Her hand smacks against his shoulder, making Bucky grunt softly. "A whole new world is going to open up for you when you relearn to accept praise."

Tony snorts, long and loud. "Has he reached that stage of modern education yet?"

"I reached that stage of education before you were born, Stark." Bucky's not territorial over his reputation anymore; those days are long since passed. The grand majority of his mojo got left in the 40s. He's just tired of Tony's shit. That's all it is.

He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Ava might feel bad that he didn't come to her for something like this. He doesn't... want that. He doesn't want her thinking that he doesn't welcome her help or that he doesn't trust it. He... he does. He doesn't just appreciate having the option; he enjoys it. The new routine is a breeze, and his neck feels better than it ever has. At least that he can remember.

"I'm confused," Tony mumbles around a mouthful of snacks. The man never stops eating. "Are we talking about your no-no years, or did you and Rogers hit up underground bars before Germany?"

"I know all his secrets from the vanilla days; they never went to any of the fun ones," Natasha confirms. It's not like Bucky was going to take the verbal bait anyways. Steve still falls for it regularly. 

"I like how you don't deny having the rest of the answer; I feel like it tells me all I can tolerate about the icicles when it comes to this. That's my favorite part about you, Romanoff. You know when I don't need to know, you know?"

His dumbass friends might as well be background noise with Bucky's mind this firmly in the memory of Ava's office. She's been so good to him, especially over this last week while she pushed through all the red tape for him. He'd been expecting it to take an eternity of hounding Steve all by his lonesome, but she got him back in the field in under two weeks. His best friend had actually been kind of pissy about it behind closed doors. For Bucky, it was like getting sprinkles on top of his cake. 

He's been thinking about getting flowers delivered to her lab for the trouble. It feels like too much whenever his thumb hovers over the confirmation button. He's reached the part of staring at the order details four times.

"I'm pretty sure your country doesn't appreciate it as much as you do. They tend to fight cold wars over it."

"Well, yeah, but our country—you see what I did there? That was a pretty funny communism joke. And it works as a reminder for both of us that you're actually an American citizen these days; isn't that wild? Back to the point here, our country fights wars over stuff we do ourselves all the time, so that doesn't feel like a fair reason to dismiss our friendship."

The doctor's forcing him to expand his music library. Her taste there is as scattered as her taste in movies, but she's got some leading themes he's been able to pin down. The 60s and 70s are huge for her, expectedly, and she's got a lot of nostalgia over the 90s. Paige keeps her versed in all things pop, folk, and country, according to her. 

"If I start referring to the US as my country, you people will expect me to do things like register to vote. Or put up wallpaper."

"I don't think anyone's expecting you to be legally allowed to do that. The voting thing, not the wallpaper. In most states. For multiple reasons. Although, the wallpaper might be a good call."

Ava invited him to their absurdly large archive of playlists during his second session. The ones Paige curates are nothing but insanity. Not one of them makes a lick of sense. Bucky decided that he should have expected that, given her Energizer Bunny reputation. Ava's are less scattered; more organized. Soothing for his mind to digest. He's been using them as workout music ever since. And driving music. And general background noise. 

"I don't think I'd know where to start buying wallpaper. Do you even want me putting that shit on your expensive building?"

"Not really, but the idea of walking in on you rolling paste on the living room walls is worth anything it could take to fix them later."

God, she's funny, too. He could listen to the woman's awful, soul-crushing puns and subsequent cackling for hours. He'll never say that to her face, not for as long as he lives, but they've made him feel lighter every morning that he's gone to let her work him over. He's already stolen two of them to torture Sam with. Another thing he's not going to tell her.

"Maybe I should start smaller. Bruce keeps suggesting a car that has legal registration."

"Heeey, that could work. You'll be signing up for mailing lists and bitching about state tax in no time. You know what?" He hears Tony snap his fingers. "We should get you a houseplant. Work you up to having a fish or something."

Alright. Maybe he'll go to Ava. He doesn't want her to think he's trying to blow off her expertise again. Or that he's avoiding her. He's not; he really does like hanging out in her office. Even if it's technically a medical appointment. He's a lot more eager to visit her than his therapists, that's for sure.

"I am not paying taxes," Natasha scoffs. "If you think I'm tying a legal address to my name, you're out of your fucking mind. Moreso than usual."

"You don't think you'd enjoy having a cave to lurk in?"

"What makes you think I don't have one already?"

"I'm talking about a real house, not a safe house."

This injury isn't related to his cybernetics. It's his ribs, well below any of his implants. He's not entirely out of the loop when it comes to what doctors have to do to get their licenses. She no doubt had to pull a lot of hard hours during her residency. Maybe she doesn't want to patch up the tower's notorious grouch every time he takes a hit. But he doubts she'd ever be impolite enough to refuse him walking in.

"I have my space here: bathroom, laundry room, small kitchen. If I haven't bothered decorating that, what makes you think I'll want to do it for an entire house?"

"Aww, come on. Look at Ryder! She's having all kinds of fun making her place as obnoxious as possible. That could be you after a few online shopping sprees."

Bucky's eyes open slowly, his brows drawing in when the second verbal mention of Ava pulls parts of his attention back to the conversation. 

Fuck, not going to medical still leaves the option of her taking offense. Okay. Alright. So, he'll split the difference and go to emergency intake. He's pretty sure she's listed as his surgical contact in the tower now—he can't stomach looking at his own medical file, not even the written records. Any injury this big will get flagged for trauma support, and she'll be notified. Then it's up to her what she wants to do. That feels like a good compromise.

"She's doing that to reclaim it from Alec; that's different. I don't have the same motivation. For me, it's just going to be extra work.

"Who's Alec?" Bucky asks without thinking. If the universe doesn't hate him today, Natasha's just going to assume he's being his usual kind of paranoid.

"She hasn't mentioned him?" Tony sounds surprised. "Alec's her ex-husband."

Ex-husband? She was married? And she's not anymore, meaning she might be—

He shuts down that train of thought immediately. 

Reclaiming the space of her house implies they lived in it long enough to form some heavy memories. She hasn't mentioned having a kid, and she strikes him as the type to bring up something like that pretty fast. So it was just the two of them, most likely.

"People usually don't like talking about the egocentric sack of shit they used to coexist with," Natasha points out. Of course, she already knows about the doctor's history. It's her.

"Bad divorce?" he prods, trying not to sound overly invested in the answer. These assholes will take it as an invitation.

"Oh, the worst," Tony confirms. "Shithead tried fighting her on it tooth and nail. She had to borrow my legal team just to get the guy to fuck off and leave her alone. He even kept her surname after the divorce; can you believe that?"

An uneasy feeling starts to rise in his gut, making Bucky look over at him. Then up at Natasha. "What kind of won't leave her alone are we talking about?"

"Down, fido, my lawyers took care of it. There's no need to start tailing him. Aside from being a self-absorbed asshole that insists they'll," Tony's voice turns scornful as his fingers form air quotes, "work things out with time, he's toothless." 

"She's got concealed carry permits she earned properly if that makes you feel better," Natasha offers up. The thought does help ease the tension building in him. 

He won't read Ava's file, no matter how bad the buzzing gets. But he might check in with JARVIS about her home security. He's noticed her name on the system logs. She, or at least her house, is linked to SHIELD's network despite her general distrust of the organization. He understands the opposing priorities completely.

He caved and read Wyatt's file two nights ago. The buzzing had been building since Ava mentioned him wanting an autograph, and it finally got to be too much. Nothing's lurking there aside from an impressive list of historians from all the fuck over Georgia and Alabama. The kid's got more family than some towns have population. 

Bucky leans forward with a muted groan to change the autopilot's intended LZ of the Avenger's balcony to the entrance hanger for medical. If he's going to grit his teeth through the antiseptic over a couple small holes, he's damn sure not going to haul his ass through half the tower while his ribs leak. His patience has limits, and that's pretty fucking far over the starting line. 

Tony looks over at him with a deep, suspicious frown. Bucky frowns at him right back with the same level of scrutiny. He can feel Natasha staring a hole into the side of his head, even if he can't catch her in his peripherals. He hates both of them with a passion at the moment. He knows what's about to happen—

"Did you just… prioritize your own health," Tony questions like he's baffled by the very idea. His whole upper body turns in the seat as he looks up at Natasha excitedly. "Oh my god. He's doing it. All by himself." He raises a hand to his chest and looks back at Bucky. "They grow up so fast."

It's good that the autopilot is on. If it weren't, Bucky would be tempted to crash them out of spite, mostly because he's sure he'd survive it. "Very funny."

"All it took was a hippie that gives him candy," Natash adds, her voice dripping with smugness. "Who knew."

"Both of you can fuck off." Bucky doesn't like how close she just got to his primary motivation on the first try. Old habits die hard, et cetera. And he hates that he can't tell if she was trying to guess. If he's lucky, which he isn't, she was just making fun of him.

Natasha knows about his visits to the florist's website; he's fucking convinced of it now. He doesn't know how, and he can't outright call her on it. If he does, he could fuck up and make himself right. There is nothing worse than having the Black Widow as metaphorical family. Not even Steve's hovering.

She and Tony harass him for the remainder of the flight. It's not long, mercifully, and he's starting to regret not grabbing something for the doctor. They were in Montreal, of all places, so it would have been fitting. He figures she'll understand once he shows her his side. The train of thought makes him wonder what part of Canada she's originally from. She hasn't brought it up.

His foot is already bouncing by the time he reaches the elevator. He's still got the surgical towel shoved tightly against his ribs. He hopes she gets there fast if she ends up taking the call. The last thing he wants to do right now is sit around in the burn of antiseptic and bleach while he fights off the urge to bolt. 

This is good, Bucky reminds himself as he takes his first few steps into medical. He's sat through plenty of trips to emergency intake. He can handle walking into his first optional one. It's a non-issue. Completely.

When JARVIS informs him that his file and general vital scan have been submitted for intake, the buzzing gets so intense that he almost leaves. The pace of his sergeant walk, as Sam likes to designate it, slows to a crawl. Then he thinks about a doctor with concealed carry permits. One that lets her house be monitored by a government organization she's actively pushing herself to trust. All in an effort to contribute something good to the world. The buzzing eases, and he picks up his pace, headed for the solo observation room JARVIS listed for him.

There's no moment of standing involuntarily from nerves this time. He doesn't have to force himself to sit back down and wait, even though the room smells wrong. His skin is crawling, and he wants nothing more than to put a throwing knife in his hand like a goddamn security blanket. But he doesn't panic. He doesn't try leaving.

Baby steps.

When the door opens, it's devastating. There's no diminutive hippie with UFO-sized glasses smiling at him on the other side of it. It's a guy in a plain white lab coat without artistic stitching, one that Bucky's never met before in his life. He's already squinting down at a tablet, meaning this will be his doctor for the duration.

This was the worst plan he could have possibly conceived. The universe is humbling him for thinking he could get away with something like this without some kind of suffering. He just wanted to make up for being dismissive of her help initially. Now he gets to sit through this. How fucking grand.

"Barnes?" The doctor that's not Bucky's doctor looks up, his heart rate elevating by a few notches. He's putting in a lot of effort to look confident. It's not exactly working. "I'm Dr. Erickson. I'm guessing you're here for the bullet wounds JARVIS detected?"

"Yup." Bucky's not about to volunteer for small talk at the moment. It's a miracle he hasn't jumped off the biobed yet. "Where's Ryder?"

"Your primary is in a staff meeting at the moment." Erickson puts his tablet down on the supply cabinet's main counter. He's already starting to gather what he needs, leaving Bucky to figure out real quick if he's actually willing to do this. "Don't worry; I'll get you sewn up and on your way in no time."

He doesn't want it getting back to Ava that he bailed the moment she couldn't show up. He doesn't want to leave her with the impression that he's only going to take on medical care if it's her; that's not anywhere near fair. The woman is a brain surgeon, not his private physician. He can grow the fuck up and accept help from people that haven't gone through his gauntlet of verification.

"Great," he pushes out, lifting the side of his undershirt to offer an unobstructed view.

It's not great; it's fucking horrendous. The first touch of the new doctor makes the overly physical memory of the buzzing build so high, he can feel it in his teeth. They're not actually rattling in his jaw the way they did back then, he knows that, but it doesn't matter because his body is screaming at him that it's happening.

The first stitch going through his skin makes him want to put his fingers through the doctor's eye sockets. His mind goes over all the ways he can violently put at least ten feet between them without having to get up. Looking back, it's probably good he didn't reach for the throwing knives. He's not unhinged enough to stab someone unprovoked; he's better than that. But they'd have been distracting to his impulse control, that's for sure.

Dr. Handsy is pulling the first suture in tight when the door to the observation room opens again. Bucky doesn't look up, his eyes locked on a random point on the far wall while he focuses on his breathing. He only looks over when a billowing, maroon pant leg enters his peripheral.

Thanks to a bunch of dead Nazi scientists that used to hide out in the mountains of Russia, Bucky Barnes has a trigger in his brain that is entirely out of his control. One that, when activated by his own interest, lets him process his surroundings in a sliver of the time that it should for a human mind. It is exceptionally helpful in the field. 

Watching Ava Ryder walk in, wearing a suede jumpsuit that mercilessly frames her curves, proves to him that having it in the 30s would have gotten him shot by someone's father. Definitely before he left Brooklyn. Or before he got chased out by several fathers banding together with baseball bats. In the time it takes her hand to come off the door handle and make its way to her hip, his mind goes on one hell of a fucking journey.

He already had more than a vague idea of the shape of her before now; he can't help it. Comes with the territory of doing threat assessment for a living. God knows his eyes have slipped down to her chest on a shameful amount of occasions. Her tits are being held up and pushed together fucking beautifully at the moment. Typically, that would hold all of his attention.

But this is the first unobstructed view of her that he's gotten, thanks to the lab coat being nowhere in sight, and good fucking god. Holy fucking shit. Godfuckingdamn.

She's half turned from him at this angle, so he's only getting a side view. That's more than enough to show off an obscenely rounded ass and the cushy thighs it rests on that are going to haunt his fucking dreams. It's bigger than his hands by a margin that's outright glorious. The mental image of his fingers digging into it, of how it would make her skin dip under the pressure, makes his blood race.

He can't spot the outline of any underwear at first. Then her hand makes contact with the jumpsuit, and his eyes pick up on it. Right there, above the top of her finger, pulled up high over her hipbone. There's a thin band leaving an impression in the fabric. An extraordinarily thin band. There is nothing else in sight.

Pulled between Ava's legs, right at this very moment in time, is a strip of fabric that Bucky's tongue would fit against perfectly. Right under that is a taste he's been catching himself wondering about for two weeks now. One good, long drag of his nose. That's all it would take to push in whatever she's picked out for the day and soak it with that taste. He could get it back out from between her lips with his tongue, pull it to the side with his teeth to give himself room to feast—

Bucky tries to shift his weight as nonchalantly as possible while his brain slows back down. The comeback from tactical analysis is always jarring, with this one being especially so. 

He's the worst kind of bastard. An awful, selfish, perverted sonofabitch. There's not shit he can do to change that. How unfortunate.

"David," Ava greets, the name coming out as tense as the closed smile plastered on her face. "You can put that down."

The other doctor doesn't look up from the work his hands are doing. "That you, Ava? I heard you were—"

"Now."

Bucky's back straightens up as David looks at her nervously, taken aback. Bucky doesn't blame him; he didn't know her voice could get that forceful.

David sort of laughs, which feels like the worst possible choice to Bucky. But, hey, not his call. "What, do you want me to just—"

"I want your hands off my patient right now. I'm not asking." She watches with unwavering intensity as the other doctor lets the needle and thread drop from his hands. She visibly bristles at the patronizing expression on David's face, her head tilting aggressively. Bucky kind of wants to watch her hit him. "I'll be back in less than a minute, sergeant. I need a word outside with Dr. Erikson."

"Take your time," Bucky assures, the tension bleeding out of him already. His ribs are leaking, and there's a piece of doctor floss looped through his skin that he's going to have to cut out of himself tomorrow morning. The immoral evaluation of her outfit that his head threw at him is going to eat him alive. Forever. Especially when he's trying to fall asleep for the foreseeable future. 

All things considered, though, he feels fan-fucking-tastic.

David still looks somewhat shell-shocked, and there's real insult starting to creep into his posture, but the guy doesn't argue. He follows Ava back out of the room, not bothering with a goodbye in Bucky's direction. When the door closes behind them, his super hearing picks up on Ava reaming David about prioritizing patients before ego. She goes into detail about the deep shit he'll be in with her if he keeps ignoring her written orders, long before it ever gets him fired. She tacks on why her anger should scare him a hell of a lot more than the idea of that. Then she instructs him to keep his damn hands off her patients and get back to the intake desk. 

The protective streak makes Bucky's chest feel warm, a half-smile pulling at his lips. She's a handful, alright. One he'd give anything to be brave enough to send flowers to.

Ava is calm, cool, and collected when she leans back in through the doorframe, hanging off it with a soft smile. "Hiya, stranger. I hear you picked a fight in my motherland today."

"I hear it has an arms dealer problem. I wanted to see if I could help." He gestures down at the needle swinging from his ribs without looking at it. "Not all Canadians are as welcoming as you, turns out."

"Eh?" she fires back, hamming up the accent. "Wellll, I'm not about to let a few cranky arms dealers tarnish our reputation. What do you say you push that bandage against your new bragging rights, and we head for my office?"

Licking his bottom lip nervously, he tries to give her a confident smile. "You were busy with something."

"Not too busy for my favorite popsicle." One eyebrow raises sternly. "You are not allowed to tell Steve I'm playing favorites." God, she's cute when she tries to deflect. It's never worked. At least not on him.

"That's—" Shit, where to even find the fucking words for her. "You don't have to do this. Go out of your way like this. I don't mind getting patched up by random medics. Comes with the job."

Her smile turns impish. "That's cool and all, but I mind when people ignore basic ethics just to have a story about stitching up an Avenger. If you need to tell yourself I'm using you as fuel for a workplace pissing contest, go for it. Whatever gets you off that biobed." She leans back, leaving the door open wide behind her. "Come on; I can't stand the way they organize these damn shelves. I wouldn't patch you up in here even if you did pay me. Next time, head for my office first."

Bucky does as she ordered, pushing the surgical towel she packed for him against his side, not minding the sting in the least. He swallows down the point that, by every definition there is, he's not an Avenger. "I'll follow you, doc."

—

"Alright," Wyatt plops his hands down on the glass of the holo, his expression determined. His tight curls bounce with the motion, making their resident gumdrop look adorable, even through the discomfort. "Let's get to dissectin' this cacophony. All in one go, preferably, so I don't feel like yackin' up my lunch two days runnin'."

Ava's head tilts sympathetically. "Oh, honey, tell me you didn't—"

His hand comes up, with his index finger pointed to the ceiling. "Nope. But I got close a couple'a times thinkin' about this." He mutters several things under his breath about creepy Nazi bastards while he pulls up the raw data from Bucky's implants. "All the more reason to get it the hell over with."

"A whole day of digging through coded war crimes," Hannah deadpans quietly, raising a steaming mug to her lips. "I'm glad we get the fun assignments."

"You'd ditch us if we didn't," Ava jokes. She scrolls through the sergeant's file absentmindedly on her tablet, reviewing the vitals added just a few hours ago. He actually came to medical. For something as minor as a field injury. Of his own volition.

"Mmm. I don't know. It's pretty fun watching a brain move like Jell-O. You might have been able to convince me to stick around just for that."

SHIELD's primary system makes a blaring noise of disagreement as Wyatt loads the main file structure. He frowns, looking over at Ava with concern. "Its askin' for administrative override."

"Heeey, that's that thing Tony says I'm not supposed to abuse. That's probably not a good sign." Ava pushes her glasses further up the bridge of her nose and leans over to get a look at the error. "JAR, I'd like some reassurance we're not about to trigger an ancient LoJack if you wouldn't mind advising here."

"There are safeguards in place for importing code with an unknown source," JARVIS reports in. The warning on the screen is dismissed, presumably by him, and a new window comes up. A log of the programming in Bucky's cybernetics going through digital quarantine loads rapidly, with line after line being highlighted in red and labeled HYDRA Suspected. "I will process them for you. One moment."

"We have to clean the Nazi code before we can beat it to death," Hannah mumbles against the rim of her mug. "I think I kind of like that."

"Please, Hannie, I'm hangin' on by the skin'a my teeth here." Scrubbing his hands over his face, Wyatt groans exhaustedly. He drags them down slowly, giving Hannah a pleading look over the tops of his fingers. "You know I'm always here for supportin' you—"

"I'm aware." The ex-marine's clipped tone makes Ava snort and look back down at her tablet. They both know stopping him now isn't going to cut off the word vomit.

Wyatt's hands thunk back down onto the glass. "I'm so proud'a ya, y'know that—" And there's the thickening of the accent.

"I know."

Ava's eyes skim over the list of everything detected in Bucky's wound, locking on the word leather in particular. Today was her first look at his work gear—she's got a feeling he doesn't call it a uniform—in person. It was hard to keep professional in front of six and a half feet of Hi, how are ya? wrapped up in that much heavy black. The sounds that his vest made when he dropped it on the coffee table— Jesus. He's got to be packing enough in there to arm a small country. 

"All's I'm sayin' is that if I have to hear about murder right now, I might actually upchu—"

"Please don't."

Ava's too scared to ask what's in the sergeant's pants for a multitude of reasons. Professionalism is lower on the list than it probably should be. It's a shame, too. He's downright hilarious when he lets himself talk. There's not a doubt in her mind that he'd come up with something unbearably good—and unwaveringly dry—in response to the loaded question.

"A'right then. We're in agreement. No bad thoughts today. We go in like—like excavators, right? With our helmets and our 'lil pickaxes, and we get what we need so we can—" The way he cuts himself off makes Ava look back up in concern. She finds the most horrified expression on Wyatt's face. "That—ah shit, that didn't come out all that right. That was mean, wannit? Insensitive. I'm not tryin' to belittle what the sergeant's been through."

"You weren't belittling anything," Ava assures, reaching out to rub his arm. "I think he'd be the first one to race you to a fossil joke about this."

"You'll tell 'im I'm takin' this serious, won't ya—"

A small chuckle escapes before she can stop it. "Wyatt, sweetheart, it's not like he heard you—"

"You take your pills today, Combs?" Hannah's calm question makes the gumdrop freeze in place. She blows on her coffee, taking a small sip. "If you say you don't remember, I'm going to—"

Wyatt snaps his fingers, his expression shifting to relief. "I didn't, and I remember why, too." He rolls his chair back with a sudden push, aiming for his desk. He reaches out before the chair finishes the trip to grab his patch-covered messenger bag. "One'a the cats got int'a my coat closet; dumbass got stuck on a shelf for reasons I'm still not real clear on." He pops open his medication bottle, tossing a pill into his mouth with a level of dexterity that makes her jealous. "The hollerin' was s'damn loud, I thought the landlord was gonna come knockin'."

"Which one was it?" Ava asks. "Not the new kitten?"

"No, no—Juno's been'a dream. It was Galileo again. I love that furry little bastard, but sometimes he can drive me nutty ." He pauses to take a swig from another glossy vacation mug. Today's is advertising a campground Ava's never heard of that's the best in the Rockies, according to the swirling font. "I got new pictures of Juno if you want 'em, though."

"Yes, please," Ava confirms happily. Holding the teacup-sized ball of fur made her whole month when he last brought Juno in. Hannah ended up hogging most of the cuddle time, but the sound of little meows filling the day had been enough to make up for it.

Wyatt pulls his phone from his back pocket and brings it around to hook up to the holo. The system dings with the sound of a successful transfer after a moment. He loads a collection of new photos, zeroing in on one of Juno clawing her way up a window curtain—

The power to the lab shuts off with a loud, electric click. Everything plunges into darkness with the privacy setting on the glass walls keeping the sun out. It comes back on before Ava can react, the building's primary system switching to the emergency power grid. She and Wyatt lock eyes in panic.

"Oooh man, boss, did I just—"

"I'm sure you didn't," Ava comforts, trying to push down her own panic. It helps that she's heard Tony rambling about the work he's put into making this place indestructible. "JAR?" 

There's no response from the AI. She trades another nervous glace with Wyatt.

"I know it was probably the Nazi shit, but I'm hoping it was the cats," Hannah says, sounding sincere. "I feel like that'll make a much better story."

"Oh my god, did I break JAR?" Wyatt looks between them frantically. "How often does he back up his servers? Did I kill'a piece'a JAR?!"

"I have not been murdered," the AI confirms after nearly a minute of being gone. "The safeguards reported a false positive regarding the programming of Sergeant Barnes' cybernetics. It has been handled."

Ava gives the hologram wall of code a warry look. "Handled by you?" There's a suspicion building in her gut around his phrasing, one that she's not planning on letting out of her teeth. 

"Mr. Stark has a protocol in place that cuts off my servers in the event of any irregular activity. Given the nature of the programming's origin, the system is designed to er on the side of caution."

"That's a really fancy way of dancing around the point, JAR." She's trying to stay civil about this. It's not an easy venture, and she's pretty sure it's not translating at all. Even she can hear the frustration in her voice. "How about we cut the shit, and you tell me what the false positive was."

"There are automated routines running for Sergeant Barnes' implants. They are not harmful; I've taken the liberty of checking them personally now that they've been cleared through quarantine. I am creating a stable update to forward to—"

"How long have they not been harmful, JARVIS?"

Hannah sits up from her relaxed position at the avoidance of their favorite nickname for the AI. Wyatt's brows pull in nervously, his eyes never leaving Ava. They both know exactly what she's digging at.

There's a long hesitation from JARVIS. Short by normal social standards but an eternity for a sentience with quantum processors. "There is not currently a risk posed within the Sergeant's—"

Ava's out of her chair and halfway to the door before he even finishes the omission. Fueled by some of the most intense rage she's ever felt in her life, she marches out on swift feet. She's going to kill him. She's going to string him up—maybe hang him off the side of the tower.

America's fucking Sweetheart, her ass. America's Doomed Liar is a lot more like it.

"Where is he," Ava nearly growls, still stalking down the halls, leaving the medical wing in a hurry. "JARVIS, I know you're still listening; you tell me where that puffed-up, hypocritical—oooh , you tell me where Rogers is right the fuck now. And then you tell me where Stark is—"

"Dr. Ryder, I know you're not inclined to believe this at the moment, but I assure you—"

"You're right; I'm not inclined to do that at all." She takes a deep breath as she passes through the front entrance, slowing herself to a stop. With genuine effort, she pushes down her anger. "I don't want to keep yelling at you. I don't like doing it in the first place. If you don't want to tell me where they are, I'll find them myself."

Ava heads for the elevator to do just that. She's not expecting a response as she pounds the side of her fist against the button for the Datacrux's floor. It's likely to be her best bet to find any of them. There's not a chance in hell that she's letting her team dedicate any more time to this until she gets some fucking explanations.

Halfway along the ride up, the light around the button goes dim. A flash of anger rises in her until she sees the one for the executive level illuminate. 

"Mr. Stark is not currently in the tower, but you will find Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes debriefing in the Situation Room," JARVIS informs her over the elevator's intercom, making the SHEILD agents around her pretend not to look over. She's tempted to ask them if it's the outfit.

"Thank you, JAR," she offers as an olive branch. Regardless of what's truly going on here, she doubts the AI is all that comfortable with the subject.

"You're welcome, Ava."

She's only been to this part of the tower once before. Tony dragged her up to the Avenger's balcony for a party after her divorce was first finalized. That's about the extent of her experience with this section. It's not hard to find her way with everything denoted like it is in the rest of the building.

The palm of her hand smacks against the door marked Situation Room, and she shoves it open aggressively. Both super soldiers, the Falcon, Black Widow, and a scattered group of SHIELD agents stare back at her in surprise. It doesn't slow her down any.

Ava points an irate finger at Steve in the uneasy silence of the room. "Unless New York just caught fire, you and I are about to have a very blunt conversation, captain."

"Hiya, doc." Bucky, unsurprisingly, is the only one in the room smiling at her while she glares daggers at Captain America. He's still in his not-uniform. There's still blood on it. The charm he's throwing her way reminds her that they won't want an audience. 

"I'm going to ask the rest of you to leave," she continues, but her eyes stay on the sergeant as her finger lowers. "I don't think you'll want to be here for this, Bucky."

"What makes you think I don't wanna watch you beat up my best friend?" He leans back in his chair, his hands coming up to rest on his stomach as his smile deepens.

"Can I stay?" Sam asks, his voice eager. It's a damn shame this is how she gets to meet him. She doubts the Falcon has any clue about unethical research.

"Come on," Natasha insists with a serene nod in Ava's direction, grabbing Sam's shirt to drag him up from his chair. "You heard her."

"I—hey!" Steve looks so insulted as he watches his friends and various coworkers abandon him with zero hesitation. "You're just gonna—I don't even know what I did!"

"Neither do I, but I am very ready to hear about it," Bucky assures Ava, not an increasingly distressed Steve.

Ava taps her foot impatiently as the room clears out, leaving her alone with the super soldiers. She ignores the nerves radiating off of one of them and focuses on the one that looks delighted. "I'm serious. This is about your case. Specifically, the work HYDRA was trying to finish."

The mirth leaves Bucky almost entirely. His posture doesn't adjust from its reclined position. "Alright. Tell me what's got you livid about it."

"Steve here made me a promise that was broken in my lab a few minutes ago."

Steve's eyebrows pull in with confusion. "Which promise? Wait—a few minutes ago—Is this about that blackout? Ava, catch me up here; what the hell is—"

"You swore to me that the intention of HYDRA—at least where Bucky's case is concerned—was to make an army of super soldiers, nothing more." She's letting him process this one step at a time. It'll make yelling at him for lying a lot easier. That, and she's honestly worried the technophobe doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

"I—" Steve hesitates, and she watches the switch to tactical assessment come over him. It's startling to see it directed at her from a face that isn't Bucky's. "As far as I know, that was the intention."

"Yeah? You're sure about that? You're sure you're not omitting something pretty fucking important to my job, Steven?"

"JARVIS, what was the blackout?" Bucky questions at half the volume he started at when she first came in.

Ava points at the sergeant insistently. "See? I'm guessing he doesn't even know, but he's sure as hell already on the right track."

"There was an incident regarding the coding found in your implants, Sergeant Barnes. It has been handled. I have prepared an update to their systems whenever you're ready to undergo a transfer."

"As your doctor, I'm ordering it. We can go back to my office after I'm finished ripping your friend a new asshole for lying to my face." Her eyebrows lower at Bucky in indignation. She's doing this for him, but that doesn't mean she's going to let him off the hook if he knew. "We should probably figure out if I need to do the same to you before we get there."

"Hey, hang on now." Steve raises one hand, likely to try to calm her, but changes his mind and puts it back under the table. She's guessing someone's finally clued in the out-of-time man about that practice making women want to throw something. At his head. "We might not always be able to talk about classified information—something you agreed to, I might add—but I've never lied about HYDRA's intent as far as I comprehend it. I've been very careful to hold up that end of our deal."

"Let me tell you how I know, for a fact, that someone involved in this case is doing a piss-poor job of lying to me about it. Since you haven't quite figured out modern tech, I'm going to try to keep it simple." Ava points a far less aggressive, more instructing finger at Bucky's arm. "In order for that hunk of metal to work, it needs to be programmed. The hardware needs software that can tell it how to read brain signals. A few decades ago, some Nazis sat in a room and wrote a bunch of code for that software. That's what was supposed to be in Bucky's implants. That's all that was supposed to be in Bucky's implants."

"Wait—what the hell else is in them?" The flicker of fear that creeps into Bucky's expression breaks her heart. There's not a doubt in her mind that he could sell her on any lie he wants to with his mind set on it. That's the point of infiltrators like him. 

But Ava's willing to bet everything she's got in this world that the fear in him at the moment is genuine. He doesn't know. And it makes her feel awful.

"Given the size of your implants, I'm guessing not much," she tries to reassure. "We can always purge whatever is there later. However, if the code were as simple as 'read this signal, do this thing,' it wouldn't have been flagged as untouchable by Tony's security measures. The ones put in specifically to prevent JARVIS from being corrupted." She crosses her arms over her chest in exasperation, her eyes moving to one of the small security cameras on the ceiling. "Would you like to explain to the captain what kind of code it would take to accomplish that, JARVIS?"

There's another human-length moment of hesitation from the AI in response. "It would take adapting code."

"The part he's holding back—definitely because he's under orders not to break SHIELD protocol—is that something has to be driving the adaptation. There is such a thing as self-adapting code; that would absolutely explain it. If we weren't talking about something made in the 40s when HYDRA needed entire warehouses just to house a few terabytes of data." She glances over at Bucky. "While I'm sure the agents you scare the piss out of would disagree, your head isn't actually big enough to hold that much."

"You flirtin' with me to stop the panic or to apologize for not being Canadian for a minute?"

Ava blinks in surprise, the slightest hint of heat coming up the sides of her neck. That—she hadn't been—well. Steve's head turns to him, his eyebrows raising in mild shock.

Bucky clears his throat, then tries for a quiet chuckle, his eyes floating between her and the table. "Sorry—it's this damn room. Puts me in sergeant mode, makes me—let's get back to yelling at Steve."

"Thanks, asshole, I appreciate—"

"What makes you think I won't yell at you just because I'm Canadian?" Ava counters, finally recovering. "You trying to stereotype me, Barnes?"

The relief that comes off of Bucky is palpable. "I'd go for the hippie thing first if I was trying to do that."

"Didn't you sleep through the McCarthy era?"

"HYDRA gave me the long and short of it between naps."

Her hand flies up to her face to block a loud snort. Damn him, this is serious. But she's not about to begrudge him the gallows humor. She lowers it again while he smirks at her. "Do you mind? I'm trying to make an angry but valid point here."

"About a bunch of code that my head isn't big enough for," he continues for her dryly, one hand coming off his stomach to gesture up at it.

Ava sighs, the amusement from getting sidetracked by the Brooklyn heartstopper fading fast. "Not big enough by the standards of the 40s. By today's standards?" Her head tilts to the side sadly, readying herself to watch that fear in him get more substantial. "You tell me, Buck. Did the Nazis work in the mindset of single projects, or did they work in the mindset of generations that would lead a global empire?"

The words are the last piece to complete the puzzle in Bucky's mind; Ava can see it happen in his eyes. The expression of horror it yanks out of him will haunt her for the rest of her days. "Zola." 

It's said in a whisper, and Ava's not even sure what the word is. 

It takes Steve longer to reach whatever conclusion Buckys come to, and he looks resistant to the idea at first. "No, that's... no—Buck, you've been to what's left. You know what it took—"

"That's the point she's making, stupid. Look at how small everything's gotten." He stops, and Ava doesn't miss the sight of a hard swallow. "It makes sense. Think about it. It makes sense. They took care of the car until they could find an engine that fit. I was the prototype. Or—was going to be, at least."

The comparison—the one he's using on himself—is revolting. Accurate, but astoundingly revolting. She pushes past it, leaning down to tap a condescending nail on the table. "Hi, there. Still here. Still looking for some answers. What the hell is Zola?"

With Steve watching him like a hawk, Bucky breathes a long, tired sigh. "Not what. Who." 

"I can fill her in," Steve offers to him quickly. "You don't have to do this."

"Oh, I'm not doing shit. She's going to do it all." Bucky locks eyes with Ava, his expression passive. Having the Winter Soldier himself that focused in on her makes her breath catch involuntarily. "How's your Russian, doc?"

"I don't speak a word of it. Do I need to for this?"

"No, I'm sure you've got plenty of ways to translate anything you feel like reading. You should look up doveryai, no proveryai while you're at it." He leans forward, resting his arms on the table. His eyes never once move away from hers. "JARVIS, transfer a copy of my archive access to Dr. Ryder. Full permissions. And the next time she asks you a hard question, you don't have to bullshit her. Tell her to call me."

—

April 6th, 2015

"I want you to bring me with you next time."

"No."

"Is that a no because you do not agree or because you are afraid of mother?"

"Both."

Shuri frowns at the security feed, ignoring the quiet laughter she can hear coming from Nakia on the other end. "Coward."

The camera mounted on T'Challa's dashboard shakes as he turns it back to his face, his expression annoyed. "Say that to my—"

"Coward."

T'Challa rolls his eyes and turns the camera back around as Nakia laughs harder. He will be mopey now, for sure. "I am not taking you to stare at a soldier's office with us."

"Why not?"

"To start with, I refuse to be trapped in a car with you for that amount of time."

"You should be so lucky! Now, what is the real reason."

"What part of royal family do you not—"

"You get to go to these things."

"And when you leave your lab long enough to learn to use the spears of your foremothers, that privilege can extend to you."

"Okoye is always ready to teach you, Shuri," Nakia offers up diplomatically. 

"I do not need a spear to sit in a car annoying my brother," Shuri argues. They always do this to her. She is tired of it.

"You do not need to sit in a car annoying your bother at all." The moping has already started. She can hear it in T'Challa's voice.

"Fine. I will go to Ava's house and stay there while—"

"No."

Shuri slams her hands down on her desk, making the various instruments on it rattle precariously. "She is my family, too!"

There's silence on the other end in the wake of her anger. Then the camera turns again, this time by Nakia's hand. She doesn't stop the spin until it's pointed to show her and T'Challa. He does not look as annoyed anymore. He looks guilty.

Nakia gives her a sympathetic smile. "No one is trying to take that from you. We are only trying to keep you safe. We do not know how far Alec is willing to take things."

"And I am not willing to present the man with more temptations of power," T'Challa adds, the guilt on his face shifting to resignation. "It is not simply because I am afraid of our mother. I agree with her. And with our father. Alec Harlow is a man that is losing everything. That is a powerful motivator, Shuri."

"I am not afraid of that spineless demon," Shuri insists angrily. "I could handle him myself, thank you very much."

"Half the school children in Wakanda could," Nakia mocks under her breath.

She gets a stern look from T'Challa before he focuses it on Shuri. "It is not his strength we are concerned with. It is the allies he can call upon at any time. Men with strength and resources that we do not wish to deal with."

Some of the fight leaves her. Not much, but it does ebb. Her brother might be an idiot, but he is right about this. Ava would not be this afraid for no reason. She has been trying to disguise it when Nakia brings her for visits, which is how Shuri knows it is serious.

"I hate that man, brother." The word is far too inadequate. The contempt she holds for the worm who put fear in the heart of her favorite mad scientist feels immeasurable.

"As do I. As do we all." T'Challa smiles at her finally, his face softening. "I promise to bring you to hit him if he is ever arrested. That is when I will deem it safe enough."

"How many times?" she chases after quickly. "Can I bring a weapon?"

"You can bring exactly one weapon. Can you guess what it is?" The smile turns sarcastic as he reaches out and turns the camera back around to face Alec's office window. 

"I do not need a spear to break that man."

"No, you need it so I can stop being lectured by Okoye for enabling your avoidance of tradition."

"That will not help. She wishes for me to sit through her lessons. I would just bring the spear to hit him over the head with."

Nakia laughs, the sound light and soothing. "I am surprised you did not go straight for the idea of skewering him."

Tilting her head down at her desk, Shuri hesitates. She picks up the ridiculous coffee mug Ava got her, spinning it around in her hands with somber movements. 

Ava's last visit had been especially hard to stomach. The woman had looked so... empty as she talked about the start of the divorce. There had been no vengeful joy in her as she told Shuri's father she understood the gravity of the situation. No hard-won victory in her posture. There had only been grief and shame.

Shuri sighs, turning away from the screen to head for her lab's kitchen. She is going to fill the mug with one of the teas that Ava brings her. It will be a nice change from the energy drinks she has been binging. "No. I... I do not wish the man dead. I only wish to see him locked away somewhere he can never smile again."

—author end notes—

there’s one sentence in this chapter that is 14 words long (including contractions) that is the entire foundation of their incoming dom/sub and oh my g o d when i tell you that shit was cathartic to write 😫🤌 some day when this is finished, im gonna write a whole goddamn dissertation on that one sentence and all the narrative shit that tied into it in this fic so help me (YOURE ALLOWED TO GUESS BTW)

anyways, everyone is alive in wakanda bc i said so. and nakia and t’challa are really stupid uber mega important to ava’s backstory

i feel like we’ve all, as a species, Been Through Enough. you can talk my ear off abt anything, but dont talk to me abt the opening of wakanda forever i will Literally Die, i havent cried that hard over the first watch of a movie in so fucking long and i dont think im strong enough for a second. all i ever need for binging is winter soldier and black panther anyhow (FATWS is still growing on me and i only like it so far bc im a sambucky shipper. and a stucky shipper. and a 3 musketeer shipper. and a—i like making buckaroo be in love a lot. lets just. leave it at that). we can stop with the big owies thanks. let me escape to the fictional world where everyone is alive and Nothing Hurts, t h a n k s.

well. okay. some things are gonna hurt in this. probably really super bad too and youre gonna be really really mad at me when it hits. but like. theyre set up for comfort pay off so does it even really count??? i didnt think so, ty for agreeing 😌

ily 💖 tyty for reading 💞 and tyty in advance for yelling at me when i eventually hurt u ❤️🥰 i will understand, its okay, u are entitled to the emotional compensation on that one

[mothman-is-a-goth-man]

"Thank you for being you"

It was probably something that he didn't even think about sending. Honestly he probably doesn't even remember it but here I am, almost three weeks later... thinking about it.

When we first started talking I was terrified that he was creating a version of me that didn't exist. I was worried that he saw the goth girl with chronic resting bitch face and that was going to be the extent of what he wanted from me. That's how almost every man I've ever dated has been. I've been hurt too many times by men who just wanted the "hot goth gf" but didn't care enough to actually get to know me, and if they did they didn't like who they knew.

But I decided to give him a chance. We were out on our first date and I was on my third to forth ADHD fulled tangent before I realized that I was talking FAR too much. Naturally I apologized but he told me not to... he said that he liked watching me light up while talking about the technical legality of cannibalism.

To be honest I didn't believe him, I mean, would you? But a couple hours after that we went to see the movie Violent Night and about half way through the movie, he asked me if he could put his arm around me. And even after the movie he still wanted to hang out with me. Even after he heard me laughing at some random carnage on screen he didn't want the night to end. So we went to Dave and Busters, pretty much because I didn't want to go to a bar and nothing else was really open...

I had never been to Dave and Busters before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Something you should know about me is that I am incredibly competitive, it's probably one of my greatest downfalls... That is to say that I wasn't going to be one of those girls who let the guy win just to stroke his ego. If the mother fucker is going to win, he's gonna have to kill me.

Now I won't sit here and act like I won every single game, I didn't. But I was shit talking the whole way through. Soon enough though, it was 11:57 and Dave and Busters was about to close. We went to the prize corner and got our prizes. As we were walking out we held hands and he asked if we could go out again. I'm not saying he saw me at my worst, god no, but he did see me as an actual being and not just something sitting across the room and he still wanted to see me again.

Flash forward a few weeks and we're texting back and forth about this or that, I don't really remember. But it was getting late and he had to go to bed. And all he said was "I'm gonna head to bed, thank you for being you 🖤" And I still don't know why but I started crying.

I know this has been pretty much word vomit and I'm actually a little sorry for that. I just have a lot of things going on in my head and I just need to get them out somehow...

[considerablecolors]

thinking about how once curt starts treating barb a bit better and they become closer and are just peak adhd/autism solidarity so here's some Thoughts on neurodivergent spies (also ignore that half of these terms didn't exist back then it's fine shhh):

barb swaying on her feet and twirling her hair infodumping about technology and curt gets all excited and starts stamping his feet and talking about spy history

sometimes they'll have sessions where one of them just infodumps for a long-ass time while the other listens but sometimes their interests connect and they just. lose it. like curt is talking about ways to make learning languages easier and barb's like what if there was a device to automatically translate things for you and curt goes HOLY SHIT.

curt will pull barb aside sometimes and be like "does cynthia hate me or is it just the rsd" and barb's like "i thought you were into me for years do you think i understand social cues any better than you do???"

"hey curt i was talking with tatiana and telling her about this thing i do but she said most people don't do that. is this a Symptom?" "nah i do that all the time!" "oh god it IS a Symptom then."

barb. inventing. new stim toys. and curt gets to test them out first!!!

going out to dinner and barb being like "oh uhhhh-" because there's nothing there she can eat because Texture y'know but curt Gets It and just immediately is like "hey can we go somewhere else i don't really wanna eat here" so she doesn't have to say anything

curt gets injured all the time obviously and always hates certain bandages because Sticky Scratchy Texture y'know and barb just casually one day is like "i made a new type of bandage for you :)" and curt almost breaks down crying.

barb getting overstimulated sometimes from listening to all the noise happening during a mission while she's on call with them so curt sets up a way for them to just message on the watch so that when she needs it he can mute his microphone for her

owen asking barb questions to make sure he's understanding and treating curt properly. and curt finds out and is so touched.

owen being like "i'm glad you guys have each other but idk. i don't want to be mean at all but you guys always talk about shit that's supposed to be a symptom of neurodivergency but i mean i've experienced most of those things for my entire life and i'm neurotypical." "......you what." "oh god owen..."

owen "if i don't click my gun three times before each mission then Something Bad will happen idk what but i Can't start this mission until i've read this case file three times because three is a Good Number but that's all totally normal right" carvour going "i don't have ocd what are you talking about" "yes bud you do"

curt starts consciously setting aside time before missions for owen to compete any ritual he needs to feel comfortable

owen's very embarrassed by it at first but one day curt goes "hey. if three is the big number, then i better give you three kisses right?"

owen blushes very hard and refuses to admit it

they tell tatiana later and this prompts a bunch of friendly teasing because "how could you not realize that carvour lol. anyways can someone help me file this case file i'm not good with reading." "what do you mean?" "oh you know when you're trying to read and the letters are just floating around?"

"....tatiana."

curt and tatiana as dyscalculia/dyslexia buddies that help each other out. tatiana will help curt with math and curt helps tatiana with reading and writing, and it works out really well bc tatiana likes math and curt likes reading and writing <3

the Squad is having a conversation one day and the informant keeps clearing their throat. and everyone is just like "hey. you uh. you need a lozenge bro? you good? you need water? you need a cough drop? are you okay?" and everytime he's like "yes im fine haha don't worry about it"

but stuff like that Keeps happening

the gang chalk it up to just another quirky thing abt them until the informant gets really stressed out one day and is just clearing their throat Again and Again

this master of disguise has tourettes babeyyy

when they're in situations where she has to be quiet, she's just sitting there desperately holding her tics in. and the minute the mission is over, before they go out to celebrate they sit in the car for a minute and let the informant get everything out of their system

sometimes when he's in a crowd and the informant's ticcing is bad enough that he starts getting self conscious, everyone else just starts helping him cover them up

the informant, ticcing: "are you SURE this isn't annoying?" curt, playing with a very loud and squeaky tangle fidget toy: "i gotta be real with you i literally didn't even notice man."

it's not something they really talk about with anyone besides each other. but one day, without saying anything, they show up to an agency meeting and cynthia just goes "susan?" and susan brings out a little bowl of stim toys and just. sets them in the middle of the table.

everyone just casually grabs one throughout the meeting. cynthia does not address this but sue enough. every meeting afterwards there is always a bowl on the table.

"cynthia, may i ask-" "susan, when mega is playing with a fucking stretchy worm he is more focused on what i have to say than i have ever seen him. we are keeping them." "understood."

"....hey cynthia, can i-" "sure, take your pick susan."

[weebsinstash]

I think it is time to cute her out sweetling. She sounds like a narcissist, and from what you just trauma dumped it sounds like she likes being the victim. You shouldn't put up with that.

There is nothing you can do to help her right now or possibly ever and that burden should never have fallen to you. It's sweet you want to see her get better, but you are burning yourself to keep her happy. This isn't a situation that has a case where everyone wins.

Protect yourself first, heal yourself, and maybe someday things with her will change. But her choices aren't your problem, it's not your job to fix them, and it's not your job to give up your own health to make others happy; family or not.

Yes your sister is going through a lot and I understand wanting to help, but as someone with most of the mental health problems you mentioned (bpd, ptsd, depression, bipolar) I can with confidence say it doesn't excuse her behavior to you and your mother.

I have pitty for her, she's so blinded by her self made excuses that she can't see the wonderful sister she has.

I just can't help but think, like, mom and I wonder if there's something undiagnosed? She says ever since my sister was a child she would always need things repeated and would ask "what do you mean" and there was an age where everyone thought she behaved really strangely? And I wonder if she has undiagnosed ADHD because that can affect your focus, your mood regulation, things like that, and I hear ADHD can also explain excessive sleep which has a a lifelong issue for my sister. Its uh, it's also worth mentioning that apparently vyvanse/Adderall is one of the things she's occasionally using recreationally/buying off the street

But. I also. I also keep clinging to that possibility because its less painful to consider "maybe she just has some sort of disability and she literally can't help being this way" over "theres nothing we can do, she has to choose for herself what to do and she doesn't want to"

I just. I think I'll take the route of maybe sending her a message every now and again like once a week but im going to have to lower my expectations for hearing back from her. I just... I can't completely cut her off because she already feels so alone and thinks we don't care. What if me doing something to cut her off drove her to... I dont even want to think about whatever she might do. If she even cares about me that much.

It's just. She's been through so much. I can understand how that damages someone. There are times I let my depression get extremely bad and I had to hit the bottom before I get better or try to start taking meds again and I hope the same can happen for her but. She has. A lifetime of these bad decisions. I feel like I'm watching her self destruct. I literally feel like I need to get into contact with our father and have him talk to her about this as a former addict/alcoholic, and I haven't spoken to that man in years. Like. Im desperate.

My mom is heartbroken too. She's 57 and she's worried about how my sister and I will take care of ourselves after she's gone. She even said during the visit "you'd think your sister would show some sort of concern that I'm getting older". Like she has had to completely shut herself down after this visit or else she'd be constantly sobbing. I've seen my mom cry more in this last week than when her own mother died. She's terrified that she has to try and fix this before mt sister gets any worse and my mom isn't here to help her

I'm just so sad. I'm sad and I'm angry and I'm disappointed and I feel so so SO guilty and. Yeah.

God fucking damn it i was just thinking about trying to force myself to get back into writing too, because that's something fun for me, that's an outlet for me, something thats productive and makes me feel better, and now that's becoming associated with this pain. Fuck. Fuck. It just keeps getting better.

[barry-j-blupjeans]

Blupjeans and 5!!!

5. “are you flirting with me?”

(general/fluff prompt list - accepting!!)

((sometimes u just wrote 1k+ of blupjeans and their mental illnesses and that's ok))

--

If Barry was being honest, he had never been the best at keeping his thoughts to himself at inopportune times. It got better, with the ADHD pills. Today, unfortunately, he had forgotten to take them. Along with the rest of his meds. Today was a mess. He had been staring at his lab work for the last fifteen minutes, while Lup worked on something next to him. His mind was- wondering, at best, focusing on Lup, at worse.

Lup was so- gods, she was the best. Barry didn't have many friends before Lup and her brother showed up. To be honest, he didn't have many friends after they showed up, either, but once they had gotten past their differences, Barry had never met someone he liked more. Friendship-wise and, well, romantically.

Barry was- he was a walking disaster, in his humble opinion. Half the time he was running late to school, the other half he was there so early that school didn't start for at least a few hours. He was a good student, he had decent grades and he could function pretty well by himself most of the time. He liked to stay after school because getting work done at home just wasn't the same. He couldn't motivate himself there.

Most of his friends opted to go home. Lup liked to stay sometimes. Barry liked Lup. It all worked out.

He had thought... okay, well, he had thought he was being subtle about it. He thought he had been able to keep his act together pretty well, despite the fact he had had a crush on Lup for the last five years. Or more. Probably more.

His friends had broken the news... not so gently to him a few months ago. Meaning that Taako had literally hit him in the head with a book when he tried to bluff his way through "not liking Lup" and Magnus hadn't stopped laughing for a whole thirty minutes when he had insisted Lup "didn't like him back".

She did. Apparently. According to Lucretia and Magnus and Taako, who probably knew her the best out of all of them. Then he spent another thirty minutes listening to Taako bemoaning about having to put up with Lup's crush on Barry. Their little meeting had ended with them insisting that he make some kind of move with her because she probably wouldn't reject him.

He got word from Magnus that they had had the same exact conversation with Lup, too. They were both "too fucking stupid" to make a move on each other, though. Barry assured him that they would talk.

It had been... nearly six months.

And he forgot his ADHD pills today.

"Are you flirting with me?" Barry asked, breaking the silence of the otherwise empty lab room. Lup looked up from her work (AP physics, maybe-?) and stared at him. It took Barry's brain a second to catch up with what he had just said.

"Not right now!" he rushed on. "I- fuck, uh, I- okay, so. Taako and- they talked to me. A while ago and were like, "Hey, Barry, stop being so fucking dumb about liking Lup!" and I was like, "hey, that's none of your business!" and then Taako said you liked me too, but I was just like, y'know, that's Taako just trying to get me to do something stupid for- for a joke.

But they've all been like- weirdly insistent on it? Even Lucretia, who, uh- I don't think she or Magnus would do anything mean-spirited like this, most of the time, which makes me think they're being serious- not that Taako is mean spirited, he's just more-" Lup was staring at him. "...eccentric. With how he shows affection. Sorry."

Lup... wasn't staying anything. The grip she had on her pencil had loosened considerably and he watched as it fell onto her paper. He swallowed tight, panic seizing up in his chest. This was maybe- okay, this wasn't the best way to talk about it, yeah. She was- Fuck, okay, he-

"Sorry," Barry said, looking away finally, even though it still feel like her eyes were burning through him. "Right, sorry, I, uh, I should go, and-"

"Barry, wait," she said and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to cry. He also didn't take his anxiety meds this morning. What was the point of his fucking pill caddy if he didn't remember to take his pills-

"You're not fucking with me, are you?" she asked. "You really- uhm. You like me too?"

"Yeah," Barry choked out, eyes still shut. Was his heart pounding because of anxiety, or the tension, or- "I should go," he said again, standing up. He stood up, eyes trained to the ground, and Lup caught his arm.

"Deep breaths," she said and Barry sucked in a one that maybe was too deep. She let him sit back down, hand going from holding his wrist to holding his hand. He was sweating. Was that gross? That was probably gross.

"I forgot my pills this morning," Barry said, trying to make it sound like a joke.

"I know," Lup said. "You said during lunch. Babe- Barry, just focus on your breathing, okay?"

"Okay," Barry said, doing that. He shut his eyes again, but his mind was still jumping up and down at the fact that Lup was holding his hand. He didn't know why, she had held his hand many times before, especially when he was anxious. It was just- it was different now after he had actually confessed to her. Did she feel required to do this? He didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" Barry asked, finally, finally looking at her. She was looking at him, too, carefully. That was her Thinking Face. Barry swallowed.

"No," she said. "I'm processing some things."

"Sorry," Barry started.

"No because of you," she assured him. "Well, I mean- it has to do with you, but in a good way. Taako told me that I was being stupid about... not telling you that I liked you. Because you liked me too? And I was being dumb?"

"You like me too?" Barry repeated. Lup let out a little breathless laugh, nodding.

"Yeah," she said, squeezing his hands.

"You're not fucking with me?" Barry asked, just to make sure. She smiled at him like the sun.

"Never with something like this, babe, I promise," Lup said. "I was... nervous. About telling you. Like I'm confident and badass and stuff-"

"Yeah," Barry agreed.

"But still got this little friend called abandonment issues, so, y'know- it's- it's hard to like... talk about feelings with people. Even if I know they probably won't, uh. Do anything bad, on purpose."

"I- I might screw up sometimes," Barry said honestly because it was true. "I'm trying my best to not fuck things up, I promise, but I... really like you, Lup."

"I really like you too, Barry," Lup said. "Can I- I don't know if I wanna, uhm. Y'know. Kiss you yet. But can we... try a date. Maybe?"

"If you want!" Barry said. "I- whenever's good with me, I just- I mean, preferably on a day when I remember to take my meds, but-"

"Yeah," Lup said. "Yeah, of course, babe, just- I'll text you the dets, later. Is that okay?"

"Yeah," Barry said. "That's- that's great, yeah!"

"And can we... not tell anyone yet," Lup said, finally looking away from him. "I mean, like- I don't want to fuck things up and then have to tell everyone everything went badly. Not that I think it'll go badly."

"No, I- I get that," Barry said, nodding. He squeezed her hand. His heart was doing a little dance in his chest. "I really do, Lup, I understand. We can talk about like... conditions and stuff now, or-?"

"On the date," Lup said, "would be better, I think. I've still got math shit to figure out."

She looked over at her homework with disdain. Barry's brain kicked back into gear.

"Oh yeah," he said, looking down at the genetics worksheet he had. "I- this slipped my mind, my bad."

[well-its-not-human-anymore]

So this is a personal one for me to ask and if you're not comfortable with it don't mind it; how would the tmnt boys (seperate) react when the reader confesses that they're autistic after the boys got curious when she had some peculiar, behavior or stims. The reader would be stressed, because she has a crush on the tmnt boy in question and she didn't want them to find her weird or just stop interacting with her. When she's met with confusion instead, because the boys never heard of it, cue this weird conversation where reader tells them to the best of her ability what it is and the boys just keep asking questions. Also some general headcannons with it maybe?

Okay so I'm actually really happy that you asked me this because I feel like ASD isn't portrayed a lot in any type of media. My ADD and ASD have a lot of overlap so I hope I can capture what you're asking of me!

Now let's get into it!

TMNT Headcanons

The boys reacting to an autistic reader

Leonardo

he wasn't really sure what was happening the first time you reacted

one minute you were standing next to him doing dishes and the next you were attempting to claw your skin off like an angry cat

Leo tried not to look annoyed as he watched you rub your hands against your shirt until your flesh started to turn red

you looked like you were crying but he knew you weren't

but your face was starting to turn purple and your cheeks were puffy from the effort of holding your breath

"Y/N? You need to breathe."

You shot a glare at him, scathing eyes meeting his now very concerned expression

your own softened and you clutched your arms to your chest, heaving oxygen into your lungs until your face became a normal shade again

"Are you okay?"

The words were stuck in your throat and you weren't sure if you should nod or shake your head

so you gave him a half-hearted shrug

he frowned back at you but turned to finish the dishes on his own

when he questioned you about it later he couldn't help but be curious

"Well actually it's uh- it's kinda a sensory type of thing? There are certain textures that I can't stand touching do I avoid them but if I come into contact by accident my brain just kinda explodes and I shut down."

"How exactly does that work though?"

"I don't really understand it much but like- you know that feeling you get when you think there's a bug on you and there's not but it really really feels like it?"

He nodded

"Yeah, it feels like that. And anytime I touch something that triggers that reaction it takes FOREVER to get the feeling off my skin. That's why I usually wear gloves when I do dishes. Guess I just forgot to grab 'em today."

He was sympathetic

and god, you were so embarrassed

lucky for you, Leo's not an asshole

"Well thank you for explaining it to me, you really freaked me out earlier. I'll talk to April and see if we can keep a pair or two at the lair just in case you forget again."

Consider your heart melted

you couldn't even find the words to thank him and holy shit was your face red

"Hey y/n?"

"Yeah Leo?"

"Why didn't you ever tell me- us that you were autistic?"

Did you rip the band aid off now or make something up? Which would ,technically speaking, be less catastrophic in the long run?

"I uh- I really like you and I really didn't want you or the other's to look at me differently..."

wow, you liked him? miss ma'am you have saved this boy a world of anxiety and damn does he thank you for it

"Thanks for telling me... and y/n? I really like you to."

Awh fuck yeah, best possible execution of band aid-ripping-off ever

Donatello

Donnie wished he could act surprised when you finally told him

he really wanted to, it would've made you feel better for sure

but he sucked at lying and he didn't want to make you feel like he thought you were an idiot

because that was so far from the truth

after going through extensive research on Mikey's behalf when he suspected he had ADHD Donnie had stumbled across many different websites that discussed the symptoms and overlaps between both disorders

to make a long story short, Donnie knew that you had ASD and he was waiting for you to tell him

it would probably come off as rude if he brought it up in conversation right?

he didn't want to risk it

but that didn't stop him from keeping an eye on you and your behaviors

he was a man of science, of course he was going to analyze you

not in a weird way or anything, just as a curious sort of precaution

but the longer you were involved in the turtle's lives the more noticeable your stims and meltdowns got, Donnie did his best to cover for you without making you suspicious of him

eventually he'd come up with something that he hoped would come across as a friendly gesture and wouldn't set you off or scare you away

it was game night at the lair and you, as always, were perched on the arm of the sofa, a large grin plastered on your face

inside your head was exploding but you were masking it pretty well if you do say so yourself

but Donnie was, well... donnie was donnie

so when he noticed you starting to rock a little more visibly he removed his attention from commentating the game and grabbed a pair of headphones from the side table

you were beyond confused when he passed them to you but your face revealed everything

"They're noise cancelling, try them on."

holy shit it was like putting your head underwater, everything was muffled

not in the way normal headphones did, you quite literally couldn't hear anything at all, just a calm amount of nothing

you nearly started crying when you realized that Donnie had figured you out on his own

but you'd never been more relieved about anything in your life

Raphael

he wouldn't admit that he was mesmerized by your presence

you practically radiated calm

his complete opposite

it was his favorite thing about you, because despite your quiet disposition and calming aura you weren't afraid to call him out or rebut any of his insults

this was not something you expected him to appreciate nor was it something you thought would make you catch feelings

but damn if you didn't

he'd been sitting in on yours and Donnie's little experiment for an hour or so now, watching you both exchange quiet whispers and inside jokes that you always seemed to lag on

then you slipped up

not bad, nothing detrimental to the project, just the same mistake that you'd already made ten times over

you might as well have exploded

"Y'N, you just have to move thi-"

"I KNOW DONATELLO. I FUCKING KNOW AND I JUST CAN'T DO THIS BULLSHIT!"

you set everything down gently enough to avoid breaking it before turning and storming out of the lab, waving your hands like they were on fire

Raph and Donnie exchanged a look that sent the larger red turtle following after you

when you calmed yourself down enough to talk you kept your gaze locked on the wall, explaining that you couldn't make eye contact when you were upset

he might not be the smartest brother, but Raph's no dummy, he put those pieces together pretty quickly after you told him that one small detail

he wasn't upset that you didn't tell him and you'd personally never been more relieved

your heart nearly splattered into the stratosphere when you finally gace him your own explanation

"yeah, I like ya too."

you grinned so wide you were sure your face would split open and your entire body rocked side to side with excitement

he thought that was pretty adorable too

And he did stick around to offer a bit of support when you apologized to Donnie for screaming at him

Michaelangelo

to be frank it probably shouldn't have taken so long for Mikey to realize that you were autistic

the similarities between your own personality and his ADHD were so in sight it was near painful

it was his turn to make dinner that night and you'd made sure that you came over early to help him set up, you knew how side-tracked he'd get and you were the poster child for solid routine

what more perfect matchup existed?

trick question, there isn't one

you were on one side of the counter cutting vegetables and he was on the other throwing said vegetables into the mixing pot

the music was at an ungodly level of loud so your only means of communication were screaming over it

"MIKEY."

"WHA?"

"YOU GOT THE-"

"YEAH."

"AND THE-"

"UH HUH."

"COOL, HAVE YOU SEEN THE-"

"TONGS? NO, THE SKEWERS. YEAH, THEY'RE IN THE OTHER DRAWER."

"THANKS."

the two of you went about your previous tasks, thinking nothing of the conversation that had just taken place

at least until you'd begun washing your knife and cutting board

that's when Casey walked in, looking both perturbed and annoyed at the same time

"Alright, which one of you knows telepathy?"

Mikey exchanged a glance with you and you returned it with a raised eyebrow

"The hell you mean brah?"

he looked at the both of you like you were the ones that had grown four extra heads before speaking again

"You literally just had a conversation with like five words and somehow just knew what the other meant? What's up with that?"

you glanced at Mikey again

"Holy shit, did we?"

"I mean, not really. You used your hands."

now all three of you were confused but it quickly became two when Casey shook his head in defeat and left the room

"You know I think he's right."

he blinked first and your staring contest ended

"But you used your hands-"

"I got autism Mikey, one does not simply not use their hands as forms of speech."

"You're-"

"Yep."

was the silence laughing at you? could it do that? it was kinda rude

"Huh, that actually makes sense, that's not mean is it?"

you shook your head no

"You're just me but fast."

Mikey agreed with that, pestered you with a few more questions, and went back about working, as did you, you saw no reason to address it further

but your cheeks burned red

"Yo- Y/N that actually explains why everyone else thinks we're a thing."

you didn't know if you could choke on air or not but you did it anyways

"Are we?"

he gave you his signature grin

"If we are then Raph owes April a hundred bucks."

you returned his smile

"Oh this oughta be good."

I'd like to preface this by apologizing for my near three week absence. Life got crazy and my writer's block hopped on a train, went through a school zone, killed seven pedestrians, and committed tax fraud before tumbling off a cliff never to be seen again.

But on the bright side- I got my SAT scores back and started some scholarship applications. Super happy with that. School's out in a few weeks so I'll be able to write more (hopefully).

Anyways, I hope I got this one down okay. I may have hyper analyzed the request so I might be a little off. But I really enjoyed doing this one and I hope you like it!

-Mars 🌠

[just-vibingfr]

Ok ok I want 23 13, and i forgot the number but it said like I’m sorry I’m such a burden so yea with jj maybank im a sucker for angst

Same! Like mood 25/8 is angst, angst, angst!

WARNINGS: Mentions of rape, suicide, self harm, close friends and family thinking you are a liar, ANGST ANGST ANGST, cursing, reader will be using They/Them pronouns.

A/N: I went really angst in this one, this will be all angst with no fluff, at all, like none. Please do not read if anything mentioned will trigger you. This is going to be one of the last OBX fics for a few weeks, I’m going to finish the other four requests I have then I will be writing some Harry Potter Marauders Era stuff! Thank you all for being so patient! I love you guys ❤️ 💕 Bold will be flashbacks!

ABDUCTED

Prompts- 13:God I wish that you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you. 23:I was kidnapped, I was r@ped! 49: I-I-I’m sorry I’m such a burden

JJ POV:

Thirteen weeks. Thirteen fucking weeks. That’s how long it’s been since they went missing. God, all I can think about is our last conversation.

“I slept with her okay?! I cheated on you and I don’t regret it. At all. You have been nothing but a pain in my ass trying to fix me. Setting me in a path to what, redemption?! Well guess what it’s never gonna fucking happen because I’m a no good, dirty, pogue! My whole family has been doomed to live here, always poor, always a bunch of dead beat losers! I cant be fixed, this is my destiny, so go fuck yourself and you pathetic hopes and dreams and morals! Because none of us liked you anyways, we were only using you to help us grieve after we lost John B. He’s back now, so we don’t fucking need you okay?! I don’t need you! I never have and I never will!”, I ranted. I’m angry at my dad, angry at myself for cheating, angry at Rafe for getting away with everything, angry at Ward for being a bastard, angry at Y/N for making me fall in love with them. I am just so angry. I didn’t mean to take it out on them, but they were there. They’ve always been there even when I treated them like shit. That’s the problem, they were there. I don’t know what to do, I’m so used to pointless hook ups, empty relationships, and abusive behavior, that when someone puts me in a freaking pedestal like I’m actually worth something I flip. I have been looking down for the past five minutes. All I know is their muffled sobs, how their eyes are probably red rimmed and bloodshot, how they’re probably pulling on their wrists like they do when they’re stressed. If I look up I might just crack. “God I wish that you had thought this the before I went and fell in love with you!”, they screamed, letting out all of their emotions. “You said I was different, you said you saw a future together! You told me you fucking loves me! You fucking piece of shit! I hope you get everything you want in the sickest sense! I hope you remember me and feel nothing but pain and guilt! I’m done with you Maybank!”,Those words cut deeper than any blade or bullet could. Being told those venomous words by the person I love most in the world hurts, but I deserve it. I hurt them more than anything, I broke them.

But, now I see truth in their words. Every time I think of them all I can feel is pain, guilt, and remorse. It was all my fault.

Y/N POV

I stumbled through woods. Safety. That’s all I can think. Safety. Safety. I kept stumbling around going anywhere, anywhere as long as it’s away from fucking Jules. That’s what they would call my kidnapper and rapist, Jules. He earned that name because he would take a piece of jewelry off of every virgin he raped. Pathetic. My lower half ached, my mind fuzzy, my wrists scarred. Thirteen weeks, that’s how long I’ve been missing. Thirteen weeks or rape and abuse. Twelve weeks of self harm. I started slitting vanes on my ankles, and the back of my knees, to feel something. Something other than the pain he caused. Self inflicted pain was a way out, a way to still have freedom and independence. Sick and twisted, I know, but it was my way of rebellion. I started to break down crying in the middle of, woods?! It these woods are familiar and I can hear the sound of the ocean. Outer Banks… Outer Banks! Thank God! I’m home. I’m safer, I’m back. I kept stumbling around, my tears making it harder to see. Up ahead I saw what looked like porch lights. “Help! Help!”, I yelled out, although the dryness of my throat mad it extremely difficult.I sped up, basically running to reach a sense of haven. Once I arrived at the house I realized where I was. The Chateau. Anywhere but here. But I needed help, and I was lucky I even found my way here. I knocked on the door, actually I pounded on the door. I was desperate. I heard shuffling and then the door opened revealing a very disheveled Pope, Kiara, Sarah, John B, and JJ.

“Y/N?! How-What-! Just- just come in!” Pope said frantically .

“What happened?!”, Kiara and Sarah said in unison. The boys nodding their heads in agreement to the question.

“I-erm- I was kidnapped, I was raped. I was held in a where house with the other girls. This bitch named Jules was the one in charge. He would take turn with the girls. It was terrifying. I thought he was going to kill me once he saw me helping one of the girls with her miscarriage. I had already had three or four myself and a few of the girls actually gave birth in that where house. The youngest to have a baby was eleven. Eleven fucking years old. I just ran out of the door one day, I got shot. It’s been a few days, maybe five or six? All I know is that I had to burn the wound to stop the bleeding. And I feel really sick right now. I think I’m going to vomit.”, I said before passing out.

I woke up in a hospital bed. The lights burning my eyes. The sheets clean. Someone had bathed me and changed my clothes. I felt clean, it felt good. Everyone scrambled to get up at my sudden consciousness. Looking at me with that pity in their eyes. That pitiful look that made me regret telling them. I didn’t want their fucking pity, I just wanted them to know I have new boundaries, and as my friends they deserved to know. The doctor came rushing in, asking me to explain what happened. I explained everything, the trauma bringing ugly sobs. I didn’t care. I had just been through hell and back, I was allowed to shed some god damn tears.

I was discharged later that day when they had diagnosed me with PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, and self harm. Yay. Weeks went by with my friends checking up on me, never leaving my side: I loved them all for it, but I could see the look of boredom in their eyes, the look that said as soon as I was good enough to be on my own they would leave me to my own devices. It hurt, everything did. I didn’t deserve to put them through this, watching me fall apart. I didn’t deserve this. I needed to end the pain. I had to. And I needed to do it now. I pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, went to the nearest flat surface and began writing.

“ I’m sorry I’m such a burden. But thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for supporting me. I didn’t really get to know you before John B and Sarah, I see that I really missed out on some good people. Kie, you have been nothing but amazing to me. I can’t thank you enough. Pope, you are like a workers mix of older brother, younger brother, and dad. It always amazes me how you can be protective as fuck, need protecting, and are always prepared with that mind of yours. JJ, I’m sorry. Sorry that we ended things on such terrible terms. You deserve the world and I couldn’t give that to you, I truly apologize for holding you back. But you did break me that night, I was going to end it then, but I was abducted. Ironic how I’m ending it now. I love you all and wish you the best! “

Love, Y/N ❤️

I folded the letter and set it on the island with the pen. Then I crawled into the tub, slit my wrists, and let the darkness take over, sweet, safe, darkness.

@hannahnikohl

[himbos-hotline]

I’ve been thinking about watching Markiplier (most cuz you keep posting about it) but like I don’t really get what it is? Like it’s a YouTube guy right, but the different things he has, are they like one-shot kinda things or like long form tv? What’s his deal? (Idk just tell me about Markiplier)

Okay so his "deal" is that none of his fans know what it is. Mostly he is a gaming youtuber but sometimes we get videos where he is bullying corperations and tormenting del monte until theyre dead to him or him "eating" takis which was....

he also owns many tatical shovels and so many flashlights and one of them harbours the power of the sun. So yknow- the man is a god and could kill any one of us if he had the brains to do it.

He is full of ADD and its great to watch because I dunno its relatable. also theres not that many content creators that I know off that talk about having adhd/add other disabilities which makes me feel less, awkward and subconcious about having it.

trust me friend, none of us "get" what markiplier is. My big sibling and I have this running joke where he is just a forth dimentional being.

also, apart from gaming and random "I BROUGHT A THING!" videos and some other videos like Pain where he talks about the different accidents/illnesses he had and how pain isnt something to be ashamed off because we all go through pain and its okay to feel hurt and emotional and stuff because thats what makes us human- us feeling pain and being able to still exist and be a good person. He is a very big supporter of like queer community and other communities which is another reason why I like him.

There is a story about what Mark really means to us but thats long and sappy and emotional and kinda depressing so we wont get into that right now. But yeah hes just a really cool dude who to me, growing up in a very catholic household showed me than masculinty doesnt equate to being strong or handsome [and he is both, very much so, men my beloved] but its also about having a good heart and making people laugh and not having the fear or guilt of disappointment around our emotions. that crying is okay because the tears will grow the flowers of new emotions. That people matter regardless of who/what they are. Like there are videos where he wears dresses and is just "it spins!" and being like 15/16 growing up and being surrounded by a lot of catholics seeing an AMAB be in "womens clothing" was really special too me and caused me to look into it. There is also a video where he asks someones pronouns and not only sticks to the "he/him, she/her but also xe/xem" which is also very cool!

Watching Mark is a bit like having a dad, a big brother and a seven year old wrapped into one body and sometimes hes all of them but also sometimes he is none of them and were just "..cool!"

also, from a video perspective. there are also the "aventures with markiplier" or the markipler cinimatic universe or simply the micu. It starts with who killed markiplier, a who done it which dives into the story of a cheating wife, a depressed husband, the lover being a former best friend with supernatrual bullshit and ends well....as far as we know its not ended yet.

I can go more into his channel or the MICU or the man himself because ive been watching since I was 12 and have a lot of feelings and thoughts about the stupid little youtube man who does the sceme at pixels on his compooter

he also has a super cute doggo Chica and another good boy called Henry whose technically his girlfriends dog, but chica and henry come as a pair and they are really the reason why people watch [/hj]