#I think Taylor might’ve opened with me

[hopeofitalll]

Since obviously we weren’t able to have Lover Fest, I keep thinking about what the setlist might’ve been. So many good options for that show! What do you think?

[onlyswan]

summary: in which jungkook is giving up on you but you have so much love left to give.

> idol!jungkook x f!reader / angst, fluff, suggestive / wc: 8.3k

> warnings: mention of infidelity (no one did u can breathe ily), mention of a classmate slipping their number in oc’s pocket and oc feeling unsafe, mention of puking, mentions & allusion to s/x, alcohol consumption, making out, boob!e fondle, gr*nding kinda? jungkook is hard™️ they’re so in love it’s sickening

> in which masterlist!

playlist! and if/or when - ruel / hate everything - jungkook cover (gsoul) / hits different - taylor swift / statue - lil’ eddie / i wouldn’t ask you - clairo (i had to get in the zone & this is so oc-coded i need u to listen i’m so srs)

next: in which you don’t want to give up jungkook (even when he gave you reasons to, even if they give you reasons to).

note: this was a journey. happened back in june 2019.!! i’m ripping off the bandaid <3 deep sigh writing this made me realize how my babies have come so far. hopefully will follow up with a fluffy fluff lowkey inspired by the underwear live soonest lols i’m excited for it 2 stay tuned 🫂 reblogs & feedback are much appreciated <3

—

you forgot the walls of the apartment building you’re living in are thin. a small portion of the white paint has been chipped off, it looks like a birth mark, you note — except it’s not, and you’re the one who caused the irregularity.

your favorite glass is scattered across the kitchen floor, reduced to shards and to sparkling pieces almost as miniscule as dust. you don’t know what came over you. you don’t know why you threw it at the wall instead of filling it with cold water to only drink three sips like you usually do.

just when you thought you’ve been faring well in holding yourself together today, a fresh wave of sorrow overwhelms you. your knees buckle as you begin weeping, the loudest you’ve been since this nightmare has started. it swallows the knocking sounds at your door, but it’s still not loud enough to quell jungkook’s quivering voice playing like a broken record on loop inside your head.

“we should end this… i think it’s for the best, before we get drained.”

the rain is coming down fiercely and you’re freezing inside his car, parked outside your apartment. after all, his balenciaga windbreaker can only do so much against the blasted airconditioner. your throat is painfully dry, and your hands and face are numb from the piercing cold. but those are the least of your concerns because you feel like your head had just been dunked in ice water. the sting in your eyes are burning warmer as the seconds fly by and the muffled sounds of the torrential raindrops drum frantically in your ears. they’re clouding the car windows, mirroring jungkook’s tear-stained cheeks.

“i’m leaving again in three weeks. and i’m leaving again next year… and i’ll be gone again soon after that for a long time. i-i don’t know when i’m coming home, ___.” he pauses. the heel of palms press against his eyes, as if that could possibly barricade the saltwater leaking from them. “i never know where my life is taking me and you have your own… there’s too much-too much going on. i think that i’m just wasting your time, that this isn’t- it’s not going anywhere.”

“open the door! hello?! ___!”

“what do you want?!” you seeth in annoyance, swinging the door open to reveal your pesky neighbor.

he scratches the top of his head awkwardly at the sight of the mess that you greeted him with, having not bothered to pretend that you weren’t wailing your heart out.

”hey, i know you’re going through something…” his lips remain parted as he struggles to find the correct word, his right eye twitching voluntarily. “soul-crushing? right now. but i heard glass breaking and i was concerned that you, uhm, might’ve hurt yourself.”

the apparent nervousness and sincerity in his actions pull you out from the isolating disassociation you’ve imprisoned yourself in. you feel humiliated, presenting yourself in your most pitiful form infront of a kid two years younger than you. you envy him for having it together after storming out of his parents’ house while you-

“i’m not hurt. it was just an accident.”

you’re shamelessly lying infront of his face because the truth makes you feel too ashamed of yourself.

he only nods, smiling in relief. “i don’t know how to help make you feel better, so i just brought honey like i used to do before.”

you sigh, the familiar jar of honey and its red checkered lid waving at you like an old friend. has it been a year?

“bro, i told you i can’t accept this anymore.”

“you and your boyfriend already broke up. what’s the big deal?”

you have never wanted to smack someone more, the genuine confusion painted on his face feels like an infuriatingly harsh slap to yours.

“he wasn’t threatened by your honey, you dipshit. we just found out my blood sugar was getting a bit high!”

“oh- i’m so-”

you angrily slam the door shut. the silence you’re left with is suffocating, and you find yourself breaking down again.

he jumps in surprise when you open the door again, yelling- “and we’re not broken up!” before ripping away the jar of honey from his sweaty palms. he’s left completely flabbergasted, an inexplicable heaviness weighing on his chest when he hears your sniffling from the other side of the hard-wood.

“does that mean i can deliver again next week? i have too much in my kitchen…”

he doesn’t receive a snarky answer, surprisingly, so he continues talking.

“and f-y-i, your left cheek is bleeding! you might want to check on that!”

—

“you didn’t even give me any signs…”

you inhale a deep, shaky breath in a fragile attempt of keeping your composure. you want to scream, rip apart this thick tension with your bare hands, and force him to admit that this is just some kind of sick joke. you finally see him in person after months and all he has for you is a gift bag filled to the brim with heartbreak. this is too casually cruel, not something you would’ve expected from your jungkook.

“do you really mean that? or is there something else you’re not saying…? look at me.” you plead, weakly tugging at the hem of his long-sleeved shirt. the horrors of long-distance relationship stories claw their way out of your skin, adding fuel to the fire of your deepest fear. “you didn’t cheat on me, right? that can’t be it. we- we always-”

after you ended your last relationship, you cried at the parking lot of your university and continued living your life the next morning as if nothing happened at all. you did it all for yourself, anyway. he was gradually tearing down your confidence and your dignity; and you didn’t want to become a person the future you would despise for not being wiser, stronger.

and here you are at present day: spending the cozy sunday night solving chemistry problems on your desk. you have a blue bandaid plastered on your face and a cheek full of fruit and honey. and you would say you’re fine, but jungkook wasn’t here to sweetly dote on you while treating your wound. he isn’t here to taste the honey from your lips with that coquettish smirk of his. he isn’t laying on your bed, fighting to stay awake because he wants to fall asleep with you as his pillow.

no matter how hard you try to shut out this thought, it keeps knocking on the door. he’s going to be doing these sweet nothings for a different person when he finally reaches a more stable place in his life. you want to kneel on the ground, beg the heavens to meddle with destiny and never let you hear about it.

because that means he will never set foot in your apartment again, and the personal belongings you left in his room will be thrown out to erase the traces you left behind.

so this is how it begins.

the ugliest parts of you are swimming to the surface, tying themselves around your ankles because jungkook took away the ground from beneath your feet after unearthing your soul and… nothing makes sense to you anymore. if you wake up every morning to tend to your garden, and you look outside the window to learn that the sun has stopped burning, what do you have left?

your lips inevitably curve into a frown, but you inhale a sharp breath, patting your eyes dry before they can smudge the black ink on your notepad. and then you dip a strawberry in honey for the third time.

—

“no, baby, no- that’s not it.”

the dread and insecurity weaved into the cracks of your voice fill him with nausea and panic. he captures your frigid hand with haste, firmly holding it to his pounding chest.

“i would never do that to you. just the thought alone fucking disgusts me… you’re the only one. you’ve ruined me for everybody else.”

“then why are you giving up on me? am i becoming a burden?”

jungkook feels painfully numb, mind floating as the buildings outside the window get left behind him as a mere, passing blur.

“yah, jungkook-ah. are you crying?”

a torturous moment of silence passes as he struggles to find his voice. his tongue is tied, and his lost eyes are betraying the nights he spent practicing how to explain himself to you. back then, the reasoning he curated made sense. but faced with the consequences of his actions, the love of his life’s brain running a thousand miles per hour, recording a tale of woe and heartache on his passenger seat — he has never felt this much loathing for himself and his weaknesses.

you release a shaky breath, patting his rosy cheeks dry with your sleeves. you smile at him kindly, and he watches you in sheer disbelief. he can’t fathom the perpetual luck he’s been blessed with that he met, who he believes to be, the purest soul to grace this corrupted world. they’re damp with your tears, so it’s practically useless, but the sweet gesture is a stray beam of sunlight in the midst of the dull gray clouds.

the comforting rubs on his shoulder extracts him from his torturous thoughts, and only then does he feel the wetness on his face.

“you’ve been holding it back for the past week. just cry it out.”

he nods wordlessly, hiding himself in the fleece blanket from his lap. yoongi can feel a lump forming in his throat as he witnesses his youngest brother breaking down, jungkook’s pain also being his pain. as a group who’s been living together for the past decade, no one will be able to empathize with them as well each other. especially during times like this.

“___ hasn’t called?”

jungkook shakes his head wistfully, wiping away the tears that slid down his nose. he is dying to send you a text message, worried sick, and still used to hearing about your day the same way he is used to sleeping on his stomach.

“hyung,” the sound of the word borders on a sob. “it’s over. this is killing me… it’s all my fault.”

“but isn’t that what you wanted?”

“exactly. so why am i crying?” his hands ball into closed fists. “i’m an asshole.”

“enough of that!” yoongi loudly whines out his scolding. ”we all know you had your reason.”

“but, hyung, i fucked up!” he tenses up, blurting out the acknowledgement that’s been haunting him day and night. “she told me the most romantic thing and i felt so… fuck, i’m so angry at myself. i ruined everything. and i’m scared that i’d end up making things worse if i try fixing it.”

“stop beating yourself up. we can’t solve things this way.” yoongi grabs a bottle of water from the cupholder between them, twisting the cap open before handing it to jungkook. “drink first.”

once he starts drinking, he realizes that his throat has been awfully dry and sore. it’s most probably best for him to rest his voice. he can already foresee the concert rehearsal being absolute hell tomorrow. if he can’t sing, he doesn’t know how else he’s supposed to keep himself sane.

“talk to me. what did she say?”

“you’re the first person i’ve fallen in love with, do you know that?”

and with that revelation, he loses the warmth of your touch, and he comes crashing down like a wingless aircraft.

“i also need time to think about it. that’s only fair, right? that i get to decide, too…?” you swallow thickly, lips parting as if the words are resisting to come out of your mouth.

he looks at you with an emotion you can’t name, a push and pull between longing and trepidation.

if this was a movie, he would brave the rain and somehow perfectly deliver a poetically romantic speech that would sway your heart. if this was a movie, you would take a warm bath together, make out in the bathtub, and make love on your bed. if this was a movie, the day would end with the two of you tangled up, peacefully asleep and rhythmic breathing in sync. but he knows you. apparently not as well as he thought, but to some extent, he knows you. if he pulls you closer in the heat of the moment, you would feel suffocated and defensive and you would push him away; and he would lose you for good. that much he knows. so he lets you leave and he stays in the car— heartbroken, crestfallen, and regretful, because he might’ve just recklessly thrown away the best gift the universe has ever given him.

“i was thinking about how she never would’ve made this much sacrifices and efforts for anyone else and i feel like… i- it’s all going to waste because our future is uncertain. i can’t be committed to her as much as she is committed to me. and, and i felt like the guilt was eating away at me, you know? i wasn’t thinking straight.” jungkook chews on his bottom lip, a last ditch effort to prevent himself from sobbing. “it just… consumed me? like i was drowning… and all i could smell and taste was the saltwater.”

“i see,” yoongi sighs, crossing his legs and intertwining his fingers infront of his stomach as he finds the right words to say. “that’s a normal response. our brain is a very complex friend… but you know, everything i’ve been through as myself and as a part of our team, hmmm, they taught me that there are times when a problem doesn’t necessarily need a solution per se. you just keep going until the fog clears up and then you move past it.”

fuck, jungkook needs a glass of whiskey. or two. or twelve. he listens intently despite seeming like he’s spacing out.

“this won’t last forever and time slips away from us without us even noticing. you should do what you want to do. if we’re going to deprive ourselves of good things, what will we have left after everything is over? money we can’t spend in one lifetime? there’s no happiness in that.”

yoongi frowns, wishing he could do more to alleviate the weight hanging on jungkook’s shoulders.

“you deserve love outside all the noise, too. focus on the present which you can still control and deal with the future when it arrives. if you do otherwise, you’ll just be tormenting yourself… and i know it’s easier said than done but! do you want to hear something i’ve had on my mind lately?”

with a flushed face and swollen eyes, he tilts his head to curiously spy on his hyung.

“what is it?”

“your motivation to work out after our shows is so you can stay awake and spend time with her. that’s why you fall asleep everywhere else. do you know how scary and endearing it is to watch that? is that what you call ‘not being committed enough’?”

yoongi fails to hide his gummy smile, body vibrating with silent laughter as pictures of jungkook falling asleep standing up flash before his eyes.

“seriously, you punk! you scare me! i just pass out and die straight after while you- really, you’re really unbelievable. i envy you. for being able to love with everything you have until they break your heart. i mean it!”

“but i’m the one who broke their heart this time.” jungkook somberly utters in defeat, bottom lip jutting out and chin quivering.

yoongi encouragingly pats his shoulder, shaking his body lightly. ”you can make it up to her. she’ll reach out before we leave. have some more patience.”

jungkook’s eyes turn into slits, suspiciously squinting at the man sitting beside him. “why do you sound so sure?”

“because she loves you. why else?”

—

you automatically pause from eating cup ramyeon when your phone lights up on top of the journals you’ve been reviewing for the past hour.

“ah, shit! shit!”

you abruptly cover your mouth with your hand, exhausted eyes watering because you accidentally bit your tongue after reading the name of the sender of your newest text notification. you take sips of cold water, peering at your phone as you do so. your hands itch to type out a response, but the screen dies and turns black, another of yoongi’s messages in the same pile of unanswered ones from your friends checking up on you tonight. you can’t talk to anyone right now; you need to get shit done.

after eating your dinner at the convenience store, you come home to a plastic of fried chicken hanging on the doorknob of your front door.

Eat lots and stay healthy! I’m feeding Jungkook well too. Don’t worry. — Yoongi

you peel off the blue handwritten note, sticking it on the cover of one of your books. you carefully carry the food using your free hand, and you can feel it radiating on your skin, the heat of a freshly-cooked meal. you were always worried of being a bother when you occasionally ask him how jungkook is doing on tour, but this made your heart significantly lighter. gaining a good friend after losing your lover, perhaps life can show a smidge of mercy when it wants to.

too bad you’ve always been one to be greedy.

—

“ah, seriously. why did you have to break up with ___?”

“we’ve been through this a million times!” jungkook exclaims in exasperation as he fiddles with the controller, bumping his knee with taehyung’s. “focus. you’re supposed to be helping me forget.”

“i don’t remember agreeing to that.” taehyung responds with a shrug, smirking when he picks up a booster and runs past his friend’s character. “you finally found someone who could put up with you and you let them go? i won’t let you forget.”

jungkook scoffs, eyes rolling upwards. “bro, i should be the least of your problems.”

“nuh-uh.” taehyung tuts with a grin, belly aching with laughter when jungkook’s car jumps over his to steal the lead. he didn’t even know that was possible. he plans on using the same trick against him later. “i’m making you my biggest problem so i don’t have to deal with mine.”

“they’re not married yet. you still have a chance, you know?”

“yah!” he gapes at jungkook in shock, entirely forgetting about the game. “take that back!”

“don’t act like you haven’t thought of it!”

“yeah, but i don’t say it out loud. it sounds too wrong! i still have my morals left!” he cries out, stomping his feet on the floor.

jungkook lightly punches his arm, eyebrows pinched in confusion. “i meant you have a chance if they break up. i have morals too! what do you think of me?!”

“oh…” taehyung blinks. “you know who else have probably thought of that too, though?”

“who?” jungkook boredly questions as he scrolls through the game collection, contemplating about which one to play next.

“all the other people waiting in line for ___.”

the realization renders him motionless, stirring up the possessiveness coursing through his veins. for the love of god, he doesn’t want to be petty but that struck a nerve. he wants to storm out of the house and look for you, beg on his knees for you to take him back.

“aish, hyung, you’re driving me crazy! why would you tell me that? are we torturing each other?!”

“are you crying? yah, jungkook-ah.” taehyung watches his hunched figure with a guilty wince, hesitant hands rubbing the expanse of his back. “i’m sorry- i’m sorry… do you want a hug?”

jungkook stays quiet, head hanging low to hide his face crumpling with anguish. the loose but affectionate hug that he gets pulled into prompts him to fall apart, catharsis blossoming in his ribcage and turning his bones into jelly.

he hears obnoxiously loud sniffles, and he abandons taehyung’s shoulder to look at his face. “are you crying, too?”

“stop ruining the moment.” taehyung groans, forcefully pushing down his head again.

namjoon comes out from his bedroom in search for another extension cord, still sipping on the half-empty iced americano he took from the fridge only ten minutes ago. the heartfelt scene on the couch causes him to halt on his tracks. how did they go from playing games to crying together? he silently observes the two members for a moment before deciding to approach them.

“what am i going to do with the two of you?” he grunts, ruffling his hair in frustration. “shall we go out for drinks to disinfect your wounded hearts?”

the mention of alcohol makes them perk up, jungkook’s tearful doe eyes sparkling at the prospect of temporarily erasing the pain that has uncontrollably spread throughout his system. he wants to drink until he forgets that he has hands, until he forgets what it feels like to touch you.

“thanks, monie-hyung. i’ll have my appetizer.”

and the iced americano gets snatched away from namjoon’s unsuspecting hand within the blink of an eye.

—

“this is not a barbecue restaurant.” you stare blankly at the orange neon lights spelling out the name of the night club your friends secretly conspired to bring you to.

“___, loosen up! the fastest way to move on is to find someone else. this is the best place for that.” aera turns around from the passenger seat of the taxi, her red lips painting a thrilled smile. “just forget about jungkook. we all knew this shit was going to happen. i’m surprised you even lasted that long!”

“i don’t know what you’re trying to imply but i don’t appreciate your tone.” you warn her with a sharp, threatening look. “and the ‘someone else’ that i found at a bar before turned out to be biggest fucking jerk i’ve ever met. i’m not doing this again.”

“things might be different this ti-” mi-ran aids in persuading you, but it only adds fuel to the fire.

“oh my god! fuck off!” you yell in irritation, aggressively getting off the car and slamming the door shut on their faces.

you never look back, ignoring the shouts of your name and half-assed apologies. you don’t have the slightest idea about where you’re going — your feet have a mind of their own and they chose to go the opposite way of home. this isn’t how you envisioned your night. you just wanted to listen to the sound of the meat grill and complain about life giving you a taste of true love just to cut your tongue with it until you bled. was that too much to ask?

you’re about ninety percent certain that you just lost two of whom you treated to be your closest friends. you think of ah-young, and you briefly consider crashing at your best friend’s band practice, but you’re too exhausted to travel to the other end of the city.

with eleven seconds left in the timer, you cross the street with swift and long strides alongside a crowd consisting mostly of employees wearing the same navy blue uniform. at last, you’re among the bright and lively restaurants, the inviting smell of good food making your stomach sting with hunger.

it’s only taehyung who recognizes you when you unknowingly pass by, almost choking on his glass of somaek, the combination of soju and beer. with his career on the line, he is confident that he can recognize that balenciaga windbreaker anywhere and anytime. meanwhile, instead of talking about you, the youngest is drunkenly reminiscing about the alleged ghost encounters he had in their old dorms. their leader is tragically left to tend to the grill alone. he deeply regrets not dragging any of the older members with them.

“everyone, i think i just saw __-”

a grimace of cluelessness is plastered on taehyung’s face when jungkook claps once, enthusiastically pointing at him as if he just announced something inspiring and life-changing.

“you’re right, you’re right! that’s it! what i’m kind of trying to say here is…” he pauses, facial muscles relaxing into a gloomy expression. he sniffles and rubs his nose, making it a brighter shade of red. “when we move houses again, i won’t have stories like these to bring with me. the new ghosts will be my memories with ___.”

none of the other two dares to speak after that, the oddly satisfying sound of meat being grilled and the chattering from other tables occupy the uneasy and heavy silence. instead, they begin filling their own shot glasses with pure soju. namjoon is the first one to spill it down his throat, slamming it on the table before dishing out his phone from his pocket. by this time, all of them are already drunk, double vision blurry and speech a little slurred. they gave up on counting the green bottles and cans of beer a long while ago.

“shit, that was a good metaphor. i need to write that down.”

“namjoon-hyung, he’s crying again!”

jungkook’s head slumps on the table with a thud, hot tears escaping down to his temple as he laments. “i miss her so much. why did i have to break up with her the second we got home? why…? am i so impulsive? what do i do if… if she agrees that we- h-how am i supposed to live with myself after that…? i’m never going to love again.”

they shuffle apprehensively on their seats, but still, they tell jungkook what he needs to hear since he won’t remember tonight’s events, anyway.

that’s not going happen. she just needs some more time. i’m sure she’s missing you too. everything will be okay.

but it’s been almost two weeks of radio silence. their flight is in nine days, drawing nearer and nearer as if it’s purposely taunting jungkook. everyone is thinking the same thing, and everyone is afraid to say it out loud.

—

it’s 7am when his work alarm goes off. with a disgruntled noise, a hungover jungkook drowsily drags himself out of bed, eyes still closed as he swings the bedroom door open.

“oing?” he creates a noise of confusion when his arm bumps against an object. he blinks at the brown paper bag hanging on his doorknob, removing one of the handles to peek at its contents.

he buffers for a moment, staring blankly at his belongings safely tucked inside. there’s his black mini bluetooth speaker, tinted lipbalm, wired earphones, bucket hat, facial cleanser, moisturizer, and shampoo. these are everything he left on top of your study desk and in your bathroom. neatly folded on the side is his windbreaker, which he recalls as clear as daylight, how you reveled in its comfort the last time that you were together. the fabric softener you use has replaced his perfume, the cherry scent forming a rain cloud of nostalgia and longing above his head.

if this is a nightmare, he is begging for somebody, anybody, to break into the room and to bring him someplace where hope is not desolate.

his wounded heart, as his namjoon-hyung described, is experiencing an excruciating pain he never even imagined was possible. he now understands, why the broken heart syndrome is a real thing.

he can’t read you. is this your way of ‘reaching out’? have you kicked him out of your house, out of your life? for good?

the dread of losing you forever is gnawing at his insides. nausea almost succeeds in knocking him off his feet. his brain hisses with static. he panics at the disgustingly familiar sensation brewing in his digestive system, sprinting to the bathroom to spill out his guts.

they say that you don’t realize what you have until you lose it. that early morning, jungkook realizes that he’s only a human being after all.

—

“when did i put that there?”

you’re sorting out your dirty laundry after showering when you notice a tissue paper tucked in the front pocket of your denim jeans. you huff out a sigh, ripping it apart into tiny pieces over the trash bin with raging vexation. you will never understand how men thinks that these kind of stupid tricks are supposed to compel you into seeing them anywhere near attractive and desirable in your eyes. if anything, they make you feel unsafe and if your paths cross again, you will run the other way. great. another person in the lecture room to avoid. just fucking great.

at this point, you want to mockingly laugh at your own misery. just when you thought your day couldn’t possibly get worse, it fucking does.

you tuck yourself in bed by midnight, texting a friend about your joint presentation next week, and then rereading your conversation with namjoon from this morning for the nth time. you’ve been hoping it will shine light on the right path to take, because you’re still lost and hurt.

Namjoon:

he’s been devastated since

can’t this be sorted out?

stuff’s just been overwhelming and honestly i’m as anxious as him

i'm not trying to force you into getting back together with him ofc but please talk for closure atleast..

you’re also my friend. i think you need it too..

you scroll a bit further down afterwards, and your heart drops to your stomach when you see the three dots under the contact name ‘my jungkook’. you click on it as it beckons you to, only to allow time to flow like a river with no sea to kiss, idly watching the bubble appear and disappear, appear and disappear. almost everyday, you catch a glimpse of him at the very least, typing a message and never sending it.

the same goes for tonight, it seems.

his silence is torturing you. in the car, in your inbox, in your call history. a person knocks on the door and a part of you foolishly predicts that it’s jungkook not using his copy of the key out of respect.

you succumb to the yearning, heading to your shared media and files that you’ve been actively resisting for the past three weeks… for this exact reason.

you randomly click a video sent by jungkook three months ago.

“i know you’re in class but i’m too excited to show what i got you today!” he beams at the front camera, bunny teeth cutely showing. he picks up the first item from the hotel bed with his free hand. “you already own this book but this one got a different cover, see? it’s hardback? they say it’s a limited edition.”

he eyes it fleetingly, obvious that there is something else he is dying to mention.

“i won’t show it too close. you can look at it when i go home. there’s a little surprise inside.”

he scrunches his nose before teasingly sticking his tongue out.

“and then here we haaave-”

following that, he shows you an adorable fluffy white bunny with red eyes. it occupies more than half the screen, and without a doubt, it is soft and huggable.

“cooky’s new sibling! we found it at a gift shop and hobi-hyung said it looks like me.”

he presses his cheek to the bunny’s. “i accept. we do look alike, but my eyes are so much bigger.”

in the upcoming seconds, the video is muted except for his breathing. he plops down on the bed while ruffling his dark hair, staring at the camera wordlessly, evocative of when you catch him dreamily watching you study while you’re on a videocall.

“i miss you.” he smiles sadly, deep dimples appearing on his cheeks. “don’t forget to text me when you’re on your way home.”

he drops on his back, the firm mattress breaking his fall.

“mmmwah!“ he kisses the camera, and your screen freezes on the final frame.

the silence in the aftermath is defeaning. you tear your glasses off your face, burying your face in the pillows. you arrive at your final decision then and there. you don’t care. you don’t care. you don’t care anymore. you cannot bear to spend more of your days like this. his things that used to live here might be gone, but you look for him everywhere. you look for his car in the parking lot. you look for his hair when you see flowers. you wait for his name to be called in the coffee shop. on your way home, you linger at the playground where you used to usually meet.

because if your relationship with jungkook is truly doomed to fail, you want to watch its foundation collapse on the ground, burnt down to gray and black ashes that disintegrate when you try to grasp them in your hands… with good grace, it’s the only way for you to believe that there’s no more home to come home to.

with a trembling hand, you press the call button and for the very first time, you beg someone to stay.

—

jungkook’s breathing ceases, heartbeat violently racing in his chest. the ‘chimes’ ringtone tickle his ears, his phone vibrating incessantly in his hands. the two features he specifically customized in your contact settings so he will immediately recognize that it’s you who’s calling.

it’s been four days since you dropped off his things. and here he was, laying on his bed and struggling to find the right words to say because he refuses to believe that this is how it ends. the paper bag is still hanging on the doorknob. he hasn’t touched it since the first time. he doesn’t have the courage to do so.

fuck giving you space. he wants drown himself in you and never come up for air. he’s more than willing to suffer your anger or your coldness. he’s prepared to prove himself worthy of a second chance every second of every day. he wants to occupy half of your desk and half of your closet again. he selfishly wishes to be the first and the last person you fall in love with.

but until the very end, you’re the braver one.

“love?” your voice is quiet, barely audible, but it’s there, and he hears the affectionate term of endearment distinctly. “i’m sorry. i tried, i really did, but i couldn’t do it…”

“baby,” he falters breathlessly, half of him in disbelief, convinced that he has officially lost his goddamn mind and delusion is bleeding into reality.

“i tried living without you like you wanted- but i can’t-” you hiccup in between small sobs on the other line. “i love you, jungkook. i can’t live carrying around all this love with me. it’s too heavy…”

exploding and breaking apart, jungkook’s heart is a meteor that has entered the planet’s atmosphere, and he doesn’t know where to begin digging for the fragments so he can piece himself together again.

“we are too young and we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing and i love you too much. you don’t have to protect me… i’ll take my fair share of the responsibility, so just-” he hangs on your every word, and then you pause, your following words eliciting a powerful punch to his gut. “just let me love you and let me learn my lesson the hard way… let’s do that, okay?”

the walls of him room ebbs and flows in like the sea. he rests his forearm over his eyes, his skin gradually dampening with tears. he once promised himself that he would never put you in this position. he should be the one begging for forgiveness, repenting and crawling on his knees. but rather than wasting his time with surfing through another tsunami of self-blame, he reminds himself: i want to be a better man.

“okay, baby. let’s do that, hmm? let’s do that. it’s what i want too.” he coos softly with a hoarse voice. “are you at your apartment?”

you hum in confirmation, sniffling. “come home.”

—

a half-naked jungkook abruptly opens the door to yoongi’s room, wearing gray sweatpants with his left arm awkwardly inserted in one of the black t-shirt’s armhole.

“hyung! can i borrow your car? mine’s getting a check-up.”

yoongi tears his eyes away from the computer, hanging the black headphones on the nape of his neck. he merely shrugs before throwing the car key, and jungkook catches it in one hand with ease.

he sighs in relief, politely bowing his upper body to express his gratitude. “thank you, hyung.”

“what are you doing?!” yoongi half-smiles with fondness, jokingly waving him off. “just go- go. leave!”

—

jungkook nervously stands before your front door, head woozy with anticipation and fear. what if things have changed? what if your relationship never goes back to the way it was?

“oh. you’re back together?”

he whips his head back to find your neighbor arriving home from his part-time job. huh, he just realized that he has never really learned what his name is. the only information he has on him is that his sister owns a bee farm.

“how did you even know?” he asks with knitted eyebrows. “you haven’t been giving out honey again, have you?”

“she only accepted it once.” the stranger puts his arms up in surrender with a roll of his eyes. “and don’t make her cry again, will you? she blasts sad songs late at night.”

and with an unpleasantly forceful shut of the door, jungkook is left alone in the hallway. his jaw clenches as he glares at the next apartment, but he rubs his face to release his frustration before he goes to meet you.

“we need to move in together.” he grumbles to himself as he enters your unit, relocking the door behind him. he removes his sneakers, neatly setting them down beside your pairs of shoes by the doormat.

he pads on the wooden floor with his white toe socks, looking around the dark and quiet living room. a faint orange light is seeping under the gap between the floor and the bedroom door, which he recognizes to be your favorite mode on your multi-colored nightstand lamp. he cautiously cracks the door open, and he is instantly greeted by your curled up figure, peacefully sleeping.

it’s muscle memory when he hangs his backpack on the backrest of your study chair before anything else. he also brought the paper bag you sent, putting it down on the floor.

he squats down infront of you, lightly prying away the phone you’re hugging to your chest and placing the device on the bedside table. the light is shining over your skin, and there are a thousand of photos and videos organized into the most treasured folder in his gallery, but not a single one of them will ever do you justice.

god, he missed you so much. it hasn’t been two years, but the life he had before he met you feels like an extremely distant memory.

he sighs, talking in hopes that he appears in your dreams. “how do you do this? you make it impossible not to love you.”

he unconsciously frowns at the sight of your puffy eyes. never again. never again. never again. he chants inside his head. he plants a kiss on each of your eyelids, taking his time to bask in the feeling of your weight under his lips.

he climbs on the opposite side of the bed, tucking you underneath the blanket before securely holding you from behind with his thigh hanging over yours. the warmth of your body and the scent of your shampoo cures the headache that’s been bothering him the whole day. he drifts off to sleep soon after.

—

the feather-light brushes through the silky locks of his hair pulls him out of his slumber half an hour later. he can make out your silhouette through his half-open eyes, the little-mermaid-like scene feels too vivid for a dream.

“why didn’t you wake me up?” you whine, sulking with a pout.

“i’m sorry.” he answers quietly, sitting up to engulf you in a tight embrace as endless apologies tumble from his tongue. “i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i gave up. i’m sorry that i hurt you. i’m so sorry… are you angry at me?”

“i’m upset.” you admit after a few beats, not seeing the point in sugarcoating it. “it hurts when i remember you saying that. and i understand you but… but i don’t like that you decided alone for us. if you do that again… then it will be over between us.”

he has an arm wrapped around your waist, his other hand firmly holding the back of your head. it’s a little hard to breathe, but it’s so reassuring to feel that he doesn’t want to let you out of his embrace. because you hated it — hated how it felt like letting you go was so easy.

“i regret everything. i’m sorry.” he whispers, concealing his tears by nuzzling his face on your neck. “and you’re not a burden. that’s not true.”

he knows that you mean your every word, so he lifts up his head to gaze directly into your eyes, showing that he is as sincere and true to his.

“from now on, all i’ll think about is what i can do to make you happy and safe without compromising our relationship… i’ll do better. i’ll love you better. i promise that i’ll be stronger for us. i won’t make the same mistake twice.”

you wish jungkook could be kinder to himself, treat himself with the same gentleness that comes so naturally with you. why is it that humans find loving themselves so laborious? why does being have to come with such a curse?

taking glimpses at the past, you should’ve been reminding him of these affirmations everyday.

“you don’t have to be strong all the time. i’m not asking for that.” you shake your head, voicing out yourself in a tone so soothing and illuminating. “i don’t want to go anywhere far away from you so think of yourself, too. i told you before, it’s okay to hold on to me. i’m also strong.”

jungkook feels so safe at home. he doesn’t remember what he was so worried of anymore.

“and you know what? if you really see it that way, then i’m telling you now. i want to waste my time on you. you can’t stop me.” your threatening eyes widen in conviction, provoking a sheepish smile to tug at the corners of his lips. “i always get what i want.”

“and you want me?” he innocently points at himself.

“love you.”

“i love you.” he replies, nosing at your neck before leaving a chaste kiss on your skin. “so much.”

“then put yourself in my shoes.” you hum, combing his hair with your fingers, lightly tugging to initiate eye-contact. “i want to take care of you just like how you want to take care of me. i think we have something rare and beautiful…” you pause, self-conscious about coming across as too needy now that you’re face-to-face, but an epiphany shatters your apprehension with a bow and an arrow.

this is what he needed to hear from you that day.

“so stay with me.”

jungkook’s vision becomes unfocused. he’s speechless; the only sound in the room is the humming of the airconditioner, but it’s almost as if you can hear the gears of his brain working their hardest. the pain that glossed his enchanting doe eyes has been replaced with a devotion you’ve never seen expressed so passionately in them before.

“all the time i own is yours.” he declares, cupping your face, the pad of his thumb daintily stroking your cheek. “all of it. we can do anything you want to do. let me make it up to you.”

“anything?” your face lights up with joy and mischief, and the butterflies in jungkook’s stomach come alive. he wants to make it his life’s mission to make you smile everyday; and that, he will do. “then i want you to kiss me.”

the sultriness of your enticing voice makes him go haywire. it’s been too damn long. he has forgotten what it feels like to kiss you. he slowly inches closer, his lips brushing against your lips before he pulls you in deeper, a fervent display of his yearning and apologies. he swallows the needy moan that escapes you as he slowly lays you down on the mattress, stripping off his shirt and mindlessly tossing it somewhere when you impatiently tug at it with another whimper. you cage his face in your hands, bringing back his lips on yours as if he’s the air that you breathe.

he wants to grieve for all the wasted time because everyday, he craved for this. to be honest, he forgets his name when he’s kissing you. outside, the crowds scream his name for being the best at what he does best, and he happily lives for the euphoria of it all. but in this room, there is only you and him. you communicate using the unspoken language of love with your lips. you bare the soft animal in yourselves with your teeth sinking in the other’s skin. you allow your rawest desires and truths to unravel with a slip of the tongue. he exists beyond his name, becomes an indecipherable enigma even to himself. what is the use of an explanation if there is no meaning anyway? all he knows is that he loves you despite all the reasons, against all the reasons.

he sneaks under your shirt, fingertips teasingly exploring your skin as if he’s drawing a map. he feels you quiver when he finally reaches your chest, gently kneading the soft flesh in his palm. this makes you mewl in pleasure, arching your back as your hand unconsciously curls around his wrist, the cotton fabric separating the two of you. the action electrifies jungkook, makes him lose himself a little more, which he didn’t think was still possible.

“touch me, please- jungkook. need you-” you choke out a desperate whimper, nearly sobbing as you guide his hand between your thighs. you can’t bear to spend another second untouched; the last time you made love feels like an eternity ago. he slips past the waistband of your underwear, the only article of clothing you’re wearing below. but to your disappointment, he gently caresses your hip bone instead of dipping his long fingers into your wetness.

“shh, hold on, baby-” he forces himself to break away from the kiss, swollen and red lips glistening with spit. “baby, look at me. you didn’t drink, right? i don’t want to take advantage.”

you gape at him with your chest heaving up and down, dumbfounded. “how could you even think of that right now?”

his eyes widen in panic, worried that he might’ve offended you. “no, no, no-” his palms skim your thighs, guiding them to wrap around his slim waist. you gasp when he presses up on you and his hard length rubs on your folds, sending jolts of electricity up your spine. a gush of arousal dampens the thin material covering your center.

“i want you so fucking bad that it hurts.” he gingerly wipes away the tears that you didn’t even notice streamed down to your temples. you can’t remember the last time you cried before today, they must’ve gotten tired of asking for your permission. “but you were crying when you called, baby. i had to make sure.”

“oh, my boyfriend is such a gentleman.” you muse dreamily. pepper his face with delicate kisses, lips curving upward with an adoring smile. “look at him enjoying my kisses.”

you playfully squeeze his cheeks together, making his pillowy lips pucker.

“you really wanted to break up with me in this case, huh? you wanted to live without me and my kisses? no way.”

his eyelids flutter open, and he shakes his head as he dips down to kiss you. “it was hell without you…” his teeth captures your bottom lip, nipping at the supple flesh. “going to build a life with you. i’ll build furniture, and they’re going to be ours.”

“good. you better.” your high-pitched giggles bounce off the walls as his lips trail down to your neck, licking a bold stripe over your ticklish spots. “i don’t have the patience for it, but i’ll be your trusty assistant.”

it’s ridiculous, how even the sound of your laughter turns him on even more.

—

jungkook learned that you finished your exams yesterday, having spent majority of the past two weeks pulling all-nighters to prepare for them. you seem to be confident about the results, the way you talked about it without concern. he never once doubted that you’re resolute and persevering, but acing your exams in the middle of a breakup is beyond what he can digest. it must’ve been a grueling experience, he can only imagine.

he presses a sweet kiss to your forehead, and then your lips, before dragging the blanket higher over your naked figure, a thicker one he brought out from the cabinet. poor thing, you fell asleep on his lap while he was drying your hair, incoherently murmuring about how tired you are.

he walks to your study space, fixing the loosening towel wrapped around his waist. one by one, he pulls out the items from the paper bag, returning them to their old places on your desk. he toothily grins at the windbreaker, ecstatic due to his plan on wearing it at work today. he wants to give it back to you smelling like him again.

an index card lands on the ground when he unfolds it, making him peer down in curiosity.

“what’s this?” he mumbles, bending down to pick it up.

jumbled thoughts. a letter shoved at the back of the mailbox. a hesitant confession. a bittersweet reminder that says: a wound does not magically disappear overnight. it requires the proper treatment to heal correctly, and even then, it might still leave a scar.

These are only a few of many. Why is this the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do? I’m usually the more logical one. Was it really so bad that we weren’t going anywhere?

and messily crossed out at the end,

I miss you.

—

taglist in the reblogs! send an ask / dm if you want to be added (or removed) :D

—

[leclercsainzz]

RIGHT PERSON, WRONG TIME

— 𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: not much, just a small series collection of taylor swift’s songs with the formula one drivers

or

in which they say that timing is everything when it comes to love, and that sometimes the right person can come into your life at the wrong time

➝ f1 drivers

→ → → → → → → → → → → → →

i. 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐄𝐒 𝐋𝐄𝐂𝐋𝐄𝐑𝐂 - red

— “losing him was blue, like i’d never known … missing him was dark gray, all alone … forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met, but loving him was red”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: as time passed and they went their separate ways, the intensity of that love faded into a dull ache of longing and regret

ii. 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐎𝐒 𝐒𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐙 - champagne problems

— “she would’ve made such a lovely bride, what a shame she’s fucked in the head”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: in the end, she couldn’t bring herself to say “yes” to his proposal

iii. 𝐌𝐀𝐗 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐍 - the way i loved you

— “you were wild and crazy … just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated got away by some mistake”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: despite knowing the fact that they aren’t good for each other, they can’t help but want each other

iv. 𝐋𝐄𝐖𝐈𝐒 𝐇𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐓𝐎𝐍 - cardigan

— “i knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: in which memories of their time together come flooding back, making it hard to fully move on

v. 𝐆𝐄𝐎𝐑𝐆𝐄 𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐋 - my tears ricochet

— “and you’re tossing out blame, drunk on this pain crossing out the good years”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: in which his bitterness and resentment erase the moments of happiness they once shared

vi. 𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐄𝐋 𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐂𝐈𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐎 - i don’t want to live forever

— “i’m sitting eyes wide open and i got one thing stuck in my mind, wondering if i dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: in which she might’ve dodged a bullet, but he certainly lost the love of his life

vii. 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐎 𝐍𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐒 - i bet you think about me

— “i bet you think about me when you’re out at your cool indie music concerts every week”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: they’re over, but that doesn’t stop him from thinking about her every now and then

viii. 𝐎𝐒𝐂𝐀𝐑 𝐏𝐈𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐈 - you’re losing me

— “my heart won’t start anymore for you ‘cause you’re losing me”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: in which she’s slowly falling out of love

ix. 𝐏𝐈𝐄𝐑𝐑𝐄 𝐆𝐀𝐒𝐋𝐘 - mr. perfectly fine

— “how’s your heart after breakin’ mine?”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: despite being the one who ended things, he’s more heartbroken than she is

x. 𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐁𝐀𝐍 𝐎𝐂𝐎𝐍 - the great war

— “i vowed not to fight anymore if we survived the great war”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: many of them did not survive the great war of heartbreak, and unfortunately, they were among those who did not make it through”

xi. 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐋𝐋 - exile

— “all this time, i never learned to read your mind … i couldn’t turn things around”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: “he was so focused on his own feelings and needs that he failed to notice the subtle hints she was trying to send

xii. 𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐗 𝐀𝐋𝐁𝐎𝐍 - right where you left me

— “you left me no choice but to stay here forever”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: in which she’s still at the restaurant

xiii. 𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐀𝐍 𝐒𝐀𝐑𝐆𝐄𝐀𝐍𝐓 - happiness

— “no one teaches you what to do when a good man hurts you and you know you hurt him too”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: in which they both deeply hurt each other

xiv. 𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐒𝐂𝐇𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑 - better man

— “push my love away like it was some kind of loaded gun”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: she’d been hurt many times before and didn’t want to risk getting hurt again, so she pushed his love away and caused more heartbreak

xv. 𝐋𝐈𝐀𝐌 𝐋𝐀𝐖𝐒𝐎𝐍 - bigger than the whole sky

— “what could’ve been, would’ve been, what should’ve been”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: what could’ve, would’ve, or should’ve been the one for her, but sometimes things don’t work out as you hope

xvi. 𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐎 𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐎 - sad beautiful tragic

— “distance, timing, breakdowns, fighting … silence, the train runs off its tracks”

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: maybe it was the distance that kept them apart, or the timing that always seemed to be off

author’s note: helloooo! so i decided to start a new series:) i got inspired by some of @love-belle series of the drivers, so make sure to check her page out:))

i’ll still be posting request that you guys have sent in … if you have sent requests, don’t worry i’ll get to them eventually 😊

[fan-a-tink]

My favourite lyrics from Jayden’s Charles playlist (because I am still going absolutely insane over it):

I’d walk to the depth of a world down below, and demand to get back what some circumstance stole - Orpheus, by Vincent Lima

How do you know which memories to save? Like the very last footprint that Orpheus made. Cause the last ray of sun made Eurydice cold, did she know, did she know, did she know, did she know? - Orpheus, by Vincent Lima

But I opened the door and I went down the stairs, I turned back one last time just to prove you were there. You said, ‚If you can see me, it’s all in your head‘, but it feels real to me now, it felt real to me then - Orpheus, by Vincent Lima

In the low lamp light I was free. Heaven and Hell were words to me. When my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold dark earth. No grave can hold my body down, I’ll crawl home to her - Work Song, by Hozier

Do you think I’d give up? That this might’ve shook the love from me? Or that I was on the brink, how could you think, darling, I’d scare so easily? - Francesca, by Hozier

If someone asked me at the end, I’d tell them put me back in it, darling, darling, I would do it again, ah, ah, if I could hold you for a minute, I’d go through it again - Francesca, by Hozier

Heaven is not fit to house a love like you and I - Francesca, by Hozier

I say they’re just the ones who gave me life, but I truly am my parents’ child. […] I can run but I can’t hide from my family line - Family Line, by Conan Gray

And wonder what I did to deserve this, how could you hurt a little kid? I can’t forget, I can’t forgive you, cause now I’m scared that everyone I love will leave me - Family Line, by Conan Gray

I was a kid but I wasn’t clueless, Someone who loves you wouldn’t do this - Family Line, by Conan Gray

And you laugh and you dance in the wind, and you sway and you hug and you cry, but there’s darkness behind those eyes even when you smile. Oh, summer child, you don’t have to act like all you feel is mild. - Summer Child, by Conan Gray

Stay together, no matter what the weather, even if the winds are changing everything that you are - The Mates of Soul, by Taylor John Williams

My love, there’s only you in my life, the only thing that’s right, my first love, you’re every breath that I take - Endless Love, by Luther Vandross & Mariah Carey

You are, you are, home, home, where I wanted to go - Clocks, by Coldplay

To die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine. Oh, there is a light that never goes out - There is a Light that never goes out, by The Smiths

Well, fight or flight, I’d rather die than have to cry in front of you. Fight or flight, I’d rather lie than tell you I’m in love with you - Fight of Flight, by Conan Gray

Bonus, from Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance

Son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? 

We’ll carry on, we'll carry on, and though you're dead and gone, believe me, your memory will carry on, you'll carry on

I just love how it is so clear from every. single. song. that Jayden understands how much Charles loves Edwin. He is the biggest payneland shipper and I love him for it!

[beingsuneone]

The One

SYNOPSIS: it would’ve been fun. If he would’ve been the one.

FANDOM: Harry Potter

PAIRING(S): Mattheo Riddle x Fem!Reader

RATING: G

CHARACTERS MENTIONED: Goyle, Crabbe, Draco, Theo, Pansy, Enzo, Blaise, Tom, Voldemort

GENRE/AU: Angst, Unhappy ending, Arranged Marriage Au!, reader is married to Goyle (not by choice),

WORD COUNT: 2.4k

WARNINGS: Angst

A/N: *cough* the 1 by Taylor Swift was my inspo. *cough* header and dividers made by me. I would also like to make a part two to this. Note: Voldemort/Toms son Tom Jr who looks exactly like him! (Pre-Voldemort)!AU hope this helps.

DEDICATIONS: the people who voted for him in the poll :)

CREDITS: N/A

The silver band on your finger glistens in the bright lights of the wedding hall, looking anything but enticing; instead of a symbol of love and comfort, it was like a shackle that tied you to a man you didn’t love forever.

Your eyes scan the crowd for the millionth time this evening, trying to seek out a pair of familiar brown eyes— your heart drops for the millionth time this evening, and you realize all over again that no matter how many times your eyes search for his, it will not make him appear.

He won’t come, you know that now as your new husband leans over to ‘kiss the bride’.

You try to wipe the disappointment off of your face, let go of his messy brown curls and smooth words, his rough hands and intoxicating scent.

Mattheo Riddle wasn’t yours to think about anymore; the man in front of you was.

Why your father thought a marriage alliance with Gregory Goyle would help your family, you’ll never know.

Worse, Goyle was, at one point, at least a decent friend of yours; You, Mattheo, Draco, Theo, Enzo, Blaise, Tom, Goyle, and Crabbe, used to strut around Hogwarts like you owned the place— let’s be honest, you damn near did. You and your protective group of Slytherins.

You allow your lips to touch Goyle’s for only a moment before you pull back and smile cordially; the two of you walk arm-in-arm down the aisle until you reach the doors at the end.

The moment you’re through, you push him away.

“I’m sorry, Y/n.” He says sadly. “If I could have said no, I would have.”

You shake your head, not even listening. “He didn’t even come, Goyle. I thought he’d at least try.”

Goyle sighs. “It wasn’t up to any of us. Not even Mattheo.”

Your eyes sting so you force your face to go deadpan and stare at Goyle. “I will always love you as a friend, Goyle, but I will never love you as anything more.” You say, retreating towards your dressing room.

He says nothing in return. He doesn’t need to. The feeling is mutual.

You enter your dressing room and release a strained breath, resting your head against the door after you close it.

Taking a deep breath, you allow yourself to daydream; to think what this day would be like if Mattheo was the one wearing a suit, the one saying his vows and sliding a ring onto your finger. You let yourself imagine all of the things you would’ve shared with him in this alternate reality, all the joy you might’ve felt. The future you might’ve been able to look forward to.

A tear slips silently down your cheek as your throat closes, suffocating you in the feelings you wish you were feeling.

Someone clears their throat and your eyes fly open, as your whole body snaps stick straight.

It’s your father, sitting eery and alone in a dark room. “You had to grow up one day, Y/n,” he says as his cold gaze sweeps over you. “Stop running around with that Riddle kid and risking your future.”

You shake your head. “The only real future I had was with him, Father.” You tug on the skirt on your wedding dress, and then your hair. “All this— this glamour and camaraderie is you, father, you playing puppeteer with real live people. I don’t know what status you think you’ll get from Goyle, of all people.”

Your father just sneers and pulls up his sleeve— an elaborate tattoo meant to symbolize his allegiance to Voldemort. The dark mark. He says, “You know exactly who that boy’s father is, and exactly where that puts me in relation.” He pauses. “This is what the Dark Lord wanted, Y/n.”

“…what?” Your mouth hangs open, and you wonder why the dark lord would want to torment you personally. “Why would he… I don’t understand.”

Your father just brushes past you and twists the door open. “If the Dark Lord doesn’t tell, you do not ask.”

……

“You’re going to marry him, right?” Pansy asks, smiling at you in the way that friends do when you have a crush on someone.

You shrug, playing it cool but despite your heart going a thousand miles a minute; excitement courses through your veins at the thought of Mattheo. “I think we’d have to become an actual thing first, Pansy.” You laugh.

She winks at you playfully. “I don’t think that’ll take too long, Y/n, He is whipped for you.”

You shake your head. “He is not.” Your heart still flutters.

“He is.” A new voice cuts in, and it sends a shiver down your spine. You turn to face Mattheo, who is now leaning in the doorframe.

What an entrance.

Pansy looks between the two of you and smirks mischievously. “I‘ll leave you two alone and go bug Blaise.” She slips past Mattheo.

You can’t meet his eyes as you grin stupidly at the floor, and the shirt in your hand.

“You talk about me often?” He says, settling on the floor next to you; he breaks you out of your stupor by gently tugging the shirt out of your hands.

You finally look at him. “No, only when Pansy brings you up. Which is always.” You bite your lip as you smile. “I don’t mind it though, you’re one of my favourite subjects.”

“That’s good,” he agrees, toying with a lock of your hair. “I think the guys are sick of hearing about you.”

“Of course they are,” you banter, “They already know everything about me.”

Mattheo leans in closer. “I don’t think they know everything.” His head dips down until his lips are just millimeters from yours. “They wouldn’t know what your lips feel like, would they?”

He bridges the gap and the two of you spent what is probably several minutes just kissing, and when he pulls away you’re breathless.

“No, I don’t think they know that.” Your voice comes out high-pitched, still trying to catch your breath both mentally and physically.

“I hope they never find out.” He says quietly.

You nod absent-mindedly. “Me too.”

….

You sigh deeply and set down the box in your new living room. Trying to put a positive spin on it, you think about how it won’t be terrible living with a friend instead of your parents, who were never there when they needed to be and always there when you needed them to leave.

Emotionally and physically.

You and Goyle are throwing a housewarming party, per his mothers request; so, technically this box really shouldn’t be in this room right now. It needs to be prepped for the party.

Goyle walks into the room. “Malfoy wants to know if he should invite Mattheo.”

You shrug. “Tell him to invite him, I don’t think he’ll show up either way.” Getting over Mattheo has not been easy, and when you think about him, his absence still sends several intense stabs through your heart.

You can still feel the ravines where the cracks in your heart formed. If he did show up, it would either put you on the path to healing or destroy you all over again and possibly forever.

You were fully prepared for the latter if it meant seeing him one last time.

But he won’t show, just like he wasn’t there when you really needed him just a few months ago, when some other man’s ring was being slipped onto your finger and you were near powerless to stop it.

Goyle stares at you for minutes, as if you’re fragile and need to be handled gently. “It is short notice.”

You pick the box back up and walk past him, just to stop at the foot of the stairs. “That’s not what I mean and you know it.” Then, you go upstairs and place the box in the guest bedroom. You have all this space in your new house and absolutely nothing to do with it.

Rooms filled with expectations and soured dreams.

….

Parties should be fun; this cake, considering it’s your favourite flavour, should taste good. You’re surrounded by the faces of your closest friends, all your family— though you aren’t fond of many of them— and all of Goyle’s family. Yet, all you feel is unfulfilled aching for Mattheo.

You feel so pathetic, always thinking about Mattheo, always relating everyone moment to your first love.

But you had wanted him to be your last. Your only. Your everything.

Draco is here, and he’s the one who asked about inviting Mattheo, so you’re pretty sure he’s not coming and you know you absolutely shouldn’t ask.

Instead, you stare at Draco as you eat the tasteless cake, wishing he’d somehow understand what you wanted to know.

Doesn’t help that he’s across the room.

“Y/n, come upstairs for a minute.” Pansy says, dragging you away from the party and into your bedroom. Or what will be your bedroom, anyways.

When the door has shut and she’s locked it, she turns back to you. “You can’t spend the whole party pining over the possibility of Mattheo showing up, Y/n; I know how much he means to you but you have to accept that you’re married and it’s over. You’re only going to hurt yourself more if you keep obsessing over this.”

You reel back, though you’re thankful for how bluntly Pansy says it. “I know, Pansy, I know. I just— I don’t know if can ever get over him. I mean…” You trail off trying to find your words. “Goyle was probably the last person out of our group that I would’ve chosen if I couldn’t have Mattheo. Truly, I think I could live if it was Enzo, or Theo, or even Draco, but not Goyle.”

She sighs. “But it’s not them, and it is Goyle.”

“So, what now?” You huff. “I’m just supposed to… I don’t know, keep his house and have his kids?”

Pansy’s eyes soften but she doesn’t respond; its a rhetorical question and there really isn’t any proper answer for it.

Then, there is a knock at the door. Pansy unlocks and opens the door, just enough for her to see who it is.

When she does, she says nothing. You watch her slip out the door before you even see who is behind it.

And then he steps in.

Mattheo Riddle.

“Hello, Y/n.” He says, so plainly as though he hasn’t just affected you in more ways than you could ever possibly count.

You look away. “You actually came.”

He clears his throat. “I did.”

You can almost picture him a few years back, standing in your dorm room door, smiling at you in that teasing way that made you knees weak.

Except he’s not smiling, and there is absolutely nothing blissful about this moment.

“There’s something I have to tell you.” Mattheo shuts the door behind him. “If it changes anything at all.”

…..

“There’s something I want to tell you, y/n.” Mattheo says one day, cryptically. “I’m just not sure if I should yet.”

You brush his hair out of his face. “Whatever it is, you can tell me, whenever you’re ready.”

He shakes his head, but he’s not disagreeing. “I’m worried you’ll see me differently.”

“There is nothing in the world that could make me see you differently, Mattheo.”

He seems sated by your words, and pulls you into a hug, resting his chin on top of your head. The two of you stay like that for a long while before he finally says, “I’ll tell you, but not today.”

You nod silently and focus on the feel of his arms around you, not wanting to take a single moment with him for granted.

…..

“What is it, Mattheo?” You say exhaustedly while you sit down on the mattress. “What could you say that would change anything?”

He takes a deep breath and sits beside you. “I know why this is happening, why Voldemort singled you out.”

You look up at him. “Mattheo…” trailing off, you stare at his sleeve in horror, dreading what you think he’s going to say. “Please tell me you didn’t.”

He furrows his eyebrows, following your gaze; when he realizes, his eyebrows shoot up again. “No! No, That’s not why I know.”

You visibly deflate with relief. He instinctively curls his arm around you but then quickly pulls it away. “Okay,”

He chuckles dryly. “My reason is actually much worse.” Mattheo pauses, blowing out a breath. “I’m his son.”

.

.

.

After a moment's hesitation, you shoot up from your spot, your eyes blown wide with disbelief. “Mattheo, you cannot be serious.”

He stands up, and sits you back down, trying to keep you calm. “It’s not like I want to advertise that my father is the most notorious dark wizard in history.” He reaches out and pushes a strand of hair out of your face, like you used to do to him so many times. “But he didn’t want you with me, Y/n, all of this is happening to you because of me.”

He sinks down to his knees in front of you and takes your hands in his.

“So,” You start. “I was personally targeted by the dark lord because you couldn’t bother to mention what’s probably a very important detail.”

His fingers tighten around yours. “I was so scared that you wouldn’t love me anymore if I told you, and then, by the time you were engaged, it was too late.”

You push his hands away. “Mattheo, I would have loved you no matter what you told me.” The hurt in your voice makes him back away from you and you can see the pain swirling in his eyes too.

“I told you. You know. Now, we can fix this.”

“No, Mattheo,” You stand up and push him towards the door. “It’s too late. You’re too late.”

He shakes his head rapidly. “No. No, it’s not.” Mattheo tries to stop you from opening the door but ultimately you push him over the threshold. “Please, Love, We can make it work— we could run away, do anything— please.”

You can’t look at him as you speak, while tears flow freely down your cheeks. “We were something, don’t you think so?”

His face falls, and you can see his heart shatter— you can feel your heart mirror his.

Perhaps, though, the most painful part is when he replies; “Yeah, we were.”

All content belongs to @beingsuneone , do not repost, copy or post on other platforms without my permission.

[c6nrad]

MY BOY ONLY BREAKS

HIS FAVORITE TOYS — R. CAMERON

synopsis — in which rafe cameron and his girlfriend led a fairytale relationship, until he got bored.

❝HE SAW FOREVER SO HE SMASHED IT UP.❞

It started off with infatuation.

Even though you’ve known Rafe since birth, he’s never acknowledged your existence. Not until your senior year.

Suddenly, he bothered to bat his eyes in your direction. He would glare when you laughed with a boy at the country club, for whatever reason you couldn’t seem to understand.

You had no idea why he suddenly became interested in you, why he would suddenly turn up at the most random places you were at.

At the grocery store, he would appear in random aisles, giving you a quick wave that he would’ve never done a few years prior. You reciprocated, not thinking about it a second later.

Rafe would think about that wave as he fell asleep that same night.

The idea of you clouded his mind most the time, his thoughts wandering as he pondered what having you would feel like.

His friends would call it an obsession, the way his eyes followed you and your sundress as you walked across the deck of the country club to your parents.

“She’s gotta watch out, Rafe’s gonna pounce on her any second.” His friends would laugh, forgetting about you two a second later.

He watched you at parties, the way you declined every drink and had fun, sober. It was like a foreign thought for Rafe.

So, he crept closer. He started to inhale you, like a drug better than the cocaine he’d sniff daily. When he’d talk to you, it was like being lifted off the ground and twirled around so much that you’d fall out of dizziness into his arms.

He’d hold you, of course. Get a good whiff of your shampoo, smell your perfume that lingered onto your sweaty body, and caress your leg as you would sit on his lap at parties.

Rafe was high on love. So much so that he didn’t do cocaine for a full week, but in return wanted you by his side for almost that whole duration. He would be a gentlemen to you, opening doors, paying for everything, and taking you wherever you wanted.

“You’re so beautiful.” He would say at a bonfire, away from everyone so they couldn’t see the make out session that was about to occur, but close enough to still hear the muffled music and sounds of people talking.

“You’re so whipped.” You would reply, a sly smile on your face as you leaned in to give him that messy top lip kiss he loves, which would make him lust for you and your touch even more.

The peak of your relationship was the summertime, as Rafe could have you all to himself. Without the distractions of your guy friends as school, you were almost always either at his house or on his boat while he was fishing. Either way, he loved seeing you in a skimpy bikini. But only for him.

You stood between his legs as he sat on the anchored ledge of the Druthers, planting kisses on his neck and he rubbed his hands up and down your body.

A frown landed on your face as you pulled away from him, “Rafe, why are we always on the Druthers?”

“What do you mean?” He asked, looking up at you with a concerned face.

You pouted, crossing your arms and taking a seat on his lap. “It just feels like you’re stealing me away from everyone. Not stealing—I just mean that we’re always… Isolated.”

He sighed, tightening his grip around your waist. “I know princess, but how would we enjoy the sunset every night if we have drunk teenagers in our ears? Besides, does anyone else need to know the things we do? We can do whatever we want on here,” he smirked, his finger running up your bikini strap, “it’s all up to you.”

With that same seductive smile, you were convinced that he was a romantic for whisking you away from your friends each night, but it turned out just be a way to get you all to himself.

You saw a future—a life with him. You two had been dating for almost a year, and there was no way he didn’t think so either. It might’ve been a bit too early, but at some point he saw forever.

It was fine until July Ninth.

You had begged to stay on the island for one night to go to a party with Rafe, and he was still not on board even entering the house. He made you promise to stay by him the whole night, to which you did.

His eyes floated around the whole night, his death grip on your hand getting looser and looser and the night continued. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, yeah? Go talk to your friends.” He said, dropping your hand and disappearing into the crowd before you could even get a word in.

You had no choice but to mingle around with people you hadn’t talked to in months, the awkwardness steaming though each conversation.

After thirty minutes with no signs of Rafe, you decided to go looking for him around the alcohol and weed smelling house.

To your surprise, Rafe was snorting a line of cocaine. As he looked up, you realized that another girl dared him to do it. Her giggle as he did so was contagious, wrapping her hands around his neck and embracing him as he finished. He mumbled something in her ear, but you couldn’t quite read his lips. As she turned around, a smirk was wide on her face and her cheeks were flaming red.

It was too late when Rafe spotted you staring directly as him, your plastic cup filled with Sprite dented from the tight grip you held on it watching their interaction.

You ran through the crowd as fast as you could, pushing and shoving your way through the sweaty and drunk people as Rafe was close behind you. Or so you thought.

By the time you were hyperventilating outside, Rafe gave up on you halfway through the house and went back to his original place with the other girl.

You felt sick to your stomach. The way Rafe had told you he saw a future with you a week prior to today and decided to throw it all away the second he was going to commit was a classic Rafe move.

“I should’ve fucking known it was a matter of time.” You whispered, collapsing on the grass as you threw your now empty cup onto the porch behind you.

A figure popped out behind you, catching the cup you threw. “Woah. You okay?” Topper Thornton asked, a smile plastered on his face.

“Do I look okay?” You replied, ripping out some grass from the perfectly cut lawn.

“You look… Nevermind. I saw Rafe in there with some girl. Did you guys break up?”

“No. No, Topper! Isn’t that the fucking funny part? We didn’t fucking break up! Last week he was like, all over me. I was all over him. He said that he saw forever with me. Now he wants to smash it all up?” You almost screamed, over exaggerating your hand motions.

“He’s known for this. It’s not your fault, really.” Topper replied in a much calmer voice, most likely in an attempt to calm you down too from causing a scene.

A loud scoff erupted from your angry voice, “You should’ve seen him when he first saw me, like really saw me. It was like he was obsessed with me. I liked it too, is that so bad?”

“No, no. Actually, I don’t fuckin’ know. This is all crazy. I’m gonna go get Rafe, and I’ll tell you if he’s doing anything else insane. ‘kay? Stay here, and don’t do anything stupid.” Topper said frantically, then running back into the house in an effort to search for Rafe.

You plopped back onto the grass, tears swelling at your waterline as you looked at the freshly cut grass. You wanted to rip out more, but you might as well wait to pull out Rafe’s hair.

A few minutes later came a disheveled Rafe and a worried Topper, “He’s here.” Topper sighed behind you.

“Bring him here. I don’t want to turn around.” You said, refusing to look behind yourself.

Topper rolled his eyes and pushed Rafe in front of you. His hair was messy, his cheeks were red, and his nose hairs were layered with a white powder.

“I’m sorry.” Was all he said before sitting down beside you. As he sat, you stood up.

“I can’t even fucking look at you. You destroyed me, Rafe. Everything I have is gone because of you. I don’t wanna know what happened with you and that girl or what you whispered in her ear to make her blush like that, but I can’t be the person you just throw away once you get sick of them. I’m not a toy, Rafe. But clearly I was your favorite one.”

He was silent after that. He couldn’t even look at you.

“Once I fix me and everything you destroyed, you’re gonna miss me.” Was your final words before walking away from him.

After you left, he went back inside.

❝THERE WAS DANGER

IN THE HEAT OF MY TOUCH.❞

[absolutewhore101]

Should've Said No - Chapter 4

A/N: sorry this one is so late! last week got busy very quickly, and i just didn't have the time to sit down and write this. i hadn't originally planned on writing this chapter, but the idea hit me in the car while i was driving earlier, so here we are. (hint at next chapter at the very end!)

Pairing: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Summary: Listen to 'Should've Said No' by Taylor Swift

Warnings: swearing, assholery

Word Count: 733 words

Chapter 3 / Chapter 5

MINORS DNI

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joel’s head slowly turned back to face you, a fire in his eyes you’d never seen directed at you.

Before he could open his mouth, you started talking again. 

“Can you believe Joel? Everything we used to have - the songs, the smiles, the flowers - it’s all gone! All because you couldn’t keep it in your pants!”

“Is that all?”

“God, ugh! I just… I can’t even look at you.”

“Look, I’d take it back if I could. It was a moment of weakness and we both know that. Hell, what was I supposed to do?!”

“You should’ve said no! You should’ve thought twice, maybe with more than just your dick! I should’ve been there, right in the back of your mind, and I shouldn’t be standing here asking myself why the fuck you’d do this!”

Joel took a step forward, but Tommy stepped in the middle of you two.

“I wouldn’t get much closer to her.” He said, voice low. 

“Oh for the love of god, Tommy. You knew, too! Don’t stand here and try to play hero when you knew damn well what was going on.”

“And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Tommy said, turning to face you, “but it wasn’t my place to say anything. That was between you and Joel, not me. I’m sorry.”

“No. No you don’t get to be sorry. Joel might’ve done this to me, but you didn’t even try to help. You could’ve tried talking to him, you could’ve stopped him, you could’ve just told me! But instead you let this go on, knowing how much it would hurt me.”

Tommy’s eyes landed on the ground in front of your feet, his hands on his hips.

When he looked up again, tears were streaming down your cheeks. 

“Baby, c’mon…” Joel trailed off. 

You shook your head, taking a step back from the two of them. 

“Do you honestly expect me to believe that we could ever be the same? After everything you put me through?” 

Joel shook his head. “We don’t gotta be the same, we just gotta work through this and come out better on the other side. We can do that, can’t we?”

“No. You should’ve known that I would’ve found out eventually. I’m not stupid, y’know. Even if you hadn’t been so obvious about it, someone would’ve told me eventually.” 

“Was she worth it?” Tommy said, breaking the tense silence that had settled between the three of you.

“Excuse me?” Joel answered. 

“Tommy.” You said sternly. “This isn’t your place, you’ve made that pretty clear.”

“Might not be my place, but that doesn't mean I can’t ask him what the hell he was thinking.” Tommy turned around to face Joel, stepping into his space. 

Joel held his eye, bringing his arms up to cross his arms over his chest. 

“You wanna do this right now? Right in front of her?” 

“I don’t think I’m the one who deserves an apology.”

Joel’s jaw clenched, slowly nodding his head. 

“I don’t think she wants to hear my apology. Do you?”

You thought about it. An apology wouldn’t undo what he did, but wouldn’t it give you some kind of closure? Or was your closure the end of your relationship?

You shrugged your shoulders. “Well, it certainly wouldn’t hurt.”

You gave him a smug smirk, watching him shake his head. 

“I’m sorry.” He said. “I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. Happy?”

“No. But as long as you don’t step foot in my house again I will be.”

Tommy nodded his head. 

“You can move into a new house tomorrow. Why don’t you stay with Carly tonight? I’m sure she’d love it.” Tommy gave him a smirk, watching Joel’s hands clenched into fists by his side.

Joel stalked off without another word, heading for the house just a few down from your own. 

“Motherfucker.” You muttered, and Tommy chuckled. 

Tommy looked over his shoulder at you, something akin to sympathy in his eyes. 

“Can I walk you home?”

“Absolutely not. You’re not off the hook just because you made a stand against Joel. It’s gonna take a lot more than that if you ever want to be friends again.” You told him, pushing past him and walking towards your house. 

As you closed your front door behind you, you couldn’t help but ask yourself - why couldn’t he just be a better man?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tell me your thoughts! Thank you for reading :)

Taglist (let me know if you wanted to be added/removed!):

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@waldorfjenn

@mishas-bride

@skysmiller

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@insanedreamer296

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@elliaze

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[miley1442111]

down bad- jj maybank

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a/n: yes, i am a swifty- sorry lmao. I was thinking of doing a story for every track but we'll see how that ends up lol.

intended for fem!reader

summary: based off of down bad by taylor swift

pairings: jj maybank x fem!reader, (platonic) rafe cameron x adopted sister

warnings: break-ups, no happy ending

Did you really beam me up

In a cloud of sparkling dust

Just to do experiments on

Tell me I was the chosen one

Show me that this world is bigger than us

Then send me back where I came from?

It was another party and another useless attempt at calling Jj. You sat in the corner, exhaustion pulling at your eyelids, yet you stayed. You stayed for the small chance that Jj might come. It might’ve been your birthday, but you’d never been less merry in your life.

For a moment, I knew cosmic love

What happened? You two had been the pogue couple. You two were perfect for each other, his teenage petulance, your logical mindset. You were going to college on the mainland, you’d probably bring him with you. At least, that’s what the entire island thought. 

You were his sense. You were his saviour. You stopped his excessive drinking and smoking. You were there for him every time he stood up to his father. You helped him with schoolwork when everyone else had given up on him. You stayed by his side, always. 

And he discarded you. 

Now I'm down bad, cryin' at the gym (Cryin' at the gym)

Everything comes out teenage petulance

Fuck it if I can't have him (Fuck it if I can't have him)

I might just die, it would make no difference

Down bad, wakin' up in blood (Wakin' up in blood)

Starin' at the sky, come back and pick me up

Fuck it if I can't have us

I might just not get up, I might stay

You sat there all night, waiting for a sign of him. He didn’t show. He forgot your birthday. He must’ve really been done with you. 

As you swept up the remnants of a party you didn’t want, a familiar voice rang through the house. 

“You alright?” Rafe, your brother. You wanted to scream, but you took a deep breath instead, a pleasant smile on your tear-stained face. 

“Fine,” you lied. “How are you?”

“I heard Jj left you,” he sighed. “I’m sorry-”

“If you’re here to gloat Rafe, I’m not in the mood,” you sighed. “Just go.”

He didn’t move. “I’m sorry-”

You rolled your eyes and pulled his hand off you. “Leave me alone.”

“I’m here for you, you know that, right?” 

You didn’t want Rafe to be there for you, you wanted Jj to be there for you. You hadn’t felt rejection and devastation like this break-up. Jj was your first love, your first everything. Every time you closed your eyes you felt his hands on your body, his whispers in your ear, his smile on your skin. 

Down bad (Like I lost my twin)

Fuck it if I can't have him (Down bad)

Down bad (Wavin' at the ship)

Fuck it if I can't have him

“You’re my everything,” he whispered, a hand dusting your waist. “We don’t have to do anything.”

You shook your head. “I want to,” you promised. 

“You sure princess?” he smiled. You nodded. 

I loved your hostile take-overs

Encounters closer and closer

All your indecent exposures

How dare you say that it's?

I'll build you a fort on some planet

Where they can all understand it

How dare you think it's romantic

Leaving me safe and stranded?

'Cause fuck it, I was in love

So fuck you if I can't have us

(Ah)

'Cause fuck it, I was in love

You opened your eyes again, tears spilling freely. “Get out Rafe.”

“I don’t think you want that.”

“I do,” You sobbed. “I want you and everyone else on this shitty island out of my fucking life! I can’t fucking wait to get out of here, away from you and fucking away from Jj! I hate you Rafe, truthfully, I do. But I hate Jj even more, and you’re just here because your dad asked you to be and we both know it, so if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to be left alone.”

Jj stilled, the flowers in his hand falling to the floor. You turned at the sound and another choked sob left your throat. 

“Get out of my life!” You shouted, running up the stairs to your bedroom. 

Now I'm down bad, cryin' at the gym (Cryin' at the gym)

Everything comes out teenage petulance

Fuck it if I can't have him (Can't have him)

I might just die, it would make no difference

Down bad, wakin' up in blood (Wakin' up in blood)

Starin' at the sky, come back and pick me up

Fuck it if I can't have us

I might just not get up,I might stay

Rafe sighed and looked at Jj. “What the fuck are you doing here man?”

“I wanted to see her,” he mumbled.

“You fucked her up, get out,” Rafe was baring his teeth. “I’m not telling you twice.”

“Please-” he tried but Rafe just sighed. 

Down bad (Like I lost my twin)

Fuck it if I can't have him (I'm down bad)

Down bad (Wavin' at the ship)

Fuck it if I can't have him

The summer months passed, you went to the mainland for an internship and slowly tried to forget about Jj. He forgot about you. You dreamt of him every night, wished for him every day.You left thousands of messages. 

He didn’t read them.

Like I lost my twin

Fuck it if I can't have him

Down bad (Wavin' at the ship)

Fuck it if I can't have him

[sallownights]

dress

word count: 2.1k

CW: fluff, making out?,

pairings: sebastian x reader, ominis x poppy

A/N: i like taylor swift. so, yeah, this is based on the song dress. from reputation. bc sebastian is so reputation. my girlfriend had to proofread this😐😐😐

it was getting warmer with the fast approach of summer. while o.w.l.s we’re coming up, the students still spent time outside the castle, enjoying the warm weather.

imelda, poppy, and y/n all decided to take a trip to hogsmeade after their classes on friday.

“professor howin had me stay after for a few minutes, wanted me to help feed some puffskeins." poppy runs to catch up with her friends outside of tomes and scrolls. y/n smiles and says,

"that's alright! i just figured you might’ve been with highwing.” imelda rolls her eyes,

“i swear, you love that bloody bird more than ominis,”

“i- i mean, no, highwing is great, but ominis and i are just friends-“

“sure you are, sweeting. aren’t you supposed to hang out with him tomorrow?”

“well, yes, but it’s not- i’m not-“ poppy stammers.

“okay! let’s go!” y/n grabs her friends hands and starts dragging them to gladrags.

“i don’t want to go dress shopping, y/n,” imelda groans.

“well, i do. my favorite one is starting to fray on the shoulder, so i figured it’s time to buy a new one.” y/n starts looking over the few dresses they were selling. she sees a pastel pink sundress with slightly puffy sleeves. she runs her hands over it, the linen fabric feeling smooth against her hands until it goes down to a built in under bust corset.

she calls over augustus hill, asking if she could try it on. she goes behind a changing screen. when she emerges, showing her friends, poppy gasps and imelda crosses her arms.

“you look beautiful! that color suits you so well!” poppy rushes over to you, taking your hands in hers.

“you look decent.”

“it’s surprisingly comfortable. do you-“ y/n sighs. “do you think sebastian would like it?”

“oh y/n, i don’t see how he couldn’t love it! you look stunning! i would be at a loss for words if i were him.”

“i thought you said you two were just ‘best friends’. if i remember correctly you’ve said that for the past six months.” imelda raises and eyebrow at y/n. y/n’s mouth parts and closes, clearly trying to think of what to say.

did she like sebastian? yeah, of course. more than she could fathom. y/n groans. was she ready to admit that? to her friends, sure. to him? never. y/n sighs.

“well, maybe i don’t want him as a best friend and maybe as something more.” poppy claps her hands together excitedly and hugs y/n. y/n sheepishly returns the hug, a slight blush breaking out on her face.

“are you going to tell him?” imelda says, clearly not wanting to praise the young witch for her confession.

“maybe,” y/n shrugs. ‘absolutely not’ she thinks. “him and i are supposed to hangout tomorrow since poppy is stealing ominis from us.” poppy hits y/n arm playfully.

“you should tell him then! weren’t you supposed to study by the lake? you can have a picnic or something. it would be so romantic.” poppy sighs dreamily.

“okay, enough of this, i’m going to pay and we can go to honeydukes to get whatever you guys want.” imelda raises her eyebrows in a ‘you’re not off the hook’ way. y/n gets changed back into her school uniform.

after a trip to honeydukes and a short walk back to the castle. the imelda and y/n say their goodbyes to poppy who makes her way to the hufflepuff common room and they make their way to the slytherin common room.

walking down the steps to where the room opens up, imelda quickly darts off to her room wanting to rest so she could go off flying tomorrow. sebastian is sitting on a couch in front of the fireplace, presumably studying.

y/n walks over to where sebastian is sitting and plops down on a chair next to him, dropping her bag onto the floor. she leans her head back and closes her eyes, too tired from walking and her explaining to poppy and imelda that she is most certainly not in love.

“well, hello to you too.” sebastian says in a low tone, not looking up from his book.

y/n cracks one of her eyes open and sits up properly.

“hello sebastian, how was your day?”

sebastian smiles and closes the book, placing it on the table in front of him.

“quite well, if i must say. beat leander in crossed wands, again. don’t know why he believes he can win against me.”

“has anyone ever told you that you’re incredibly humble?” y/n sarcastically asks.

“yes, loads of times.” sebastian smirks.

“i do believe they may have been dishonest.” sebastian chuckles lowly at her comment.

they sit there in silence for a moment. y/n bringing her knees to her chest and resting her head on her knees, thinking about the boy in front of her. he’d been there for her since she came to hogwarts. while yes, he did expect some things from her, he never gave her the feeling of she has to be something or someone with him. she can just… exist. she almost hated him for it. how safe he made her feel. how carefree she was when he was around. how she blushes every time a flirty comment gets shot her way, followed by a wink. she found herself to be blushing, even now.

sebastian however, didn’t take his eyes off her. he watched as her eyes became blank for a moment. concern etched on his face as y/n stands up, picking up her bag.

“i should be off to bed, don’t want to be tired for tomorrow.” she starts to walk towards her dormitory before she feels a light grip on her wrist. she turns around to see sebastian slightly worried.

“are you alright?” he says, bringing his hand to hers, slowly moving his thumb across her knuckles.

“yes, i think i might just be… tired?" she lied. she was never good at lying to him. truthfully, she was exhausted. mentally, physically, emotionally.

sebastian gave her a soft smile before removing his hand from hers.

“well, sweet dreams then, darling.” he winks at her, causing her cheeks to become a lovely shade of pink.

“goodnight, sebastian.” y/n turns and walks to her room. closing the door, she’s met with imelda’s snoring.

“oh this is going to be a long night.” y/n whispers to herself.

———

the next morning was fairly uneventful, despite imelda waking everyone up in her dorm with her looking for her quidditch goggles.

around noon, y/n walks into the common room in her new sundress and sees ominis on his way out.

“ominis, wait!” y/n runs up to ominis.

“hello, y/n,” he smiles. “what can i help you with?” y/n hands him a book.

“please give this to pop, i forgot to give it back to her yesterday.” ominis takes the book from y/n and tucks it away into his bag.

“i’m sure she’ll be glad to have this back. she wanted to read some of it to me today, i believe.” y/n’s eyes widen slightly.

“you two have fun! i’m going to go study with sebastian.” y/n practically runs out of the common room. her bag full of textbooks. she makes her way past students in the viaduct courtyard and rushes towards the lake.

when y/n arrives she sees sebastian sitting on a blanket with pumpkin juice next to him. she smiles thinking about how his freckles paint his face so perfectly.

“hey,” she says quietly, almost to not disturb him. she sets her bag down and lowering herself down to the blanket.

“hi,” he takes a moment to look at her and while she’s pulling a textbook out of her bag, sebastian takes his hand and holds her arm to get a better look at what she’s wearing. “is that a new dress?” he looks back into her eyes after practically scanning her body.

“oh, uh, yes. i got it yesterday.” y/n can feel heat rising to her cheeks and looks down.

sebastian takes his hand and cups y/n’s chin, making her gaze turn to him.

“you look lovely.” he smiles and drops his hand to find hers. y/n blushes deeper and they stay there a moment, looking into each others eyes. y/n feels as if sebastian can hear her thoughts, or even hear her heart pounding.

“we should, uhm, study.” y/n breaks her gaze first and removes her hand from his. she lays down on her stomach to start going over some transfiguration notes.

“right.” sebastian says, attempting to not sound disappointed from the loss of contact.

after a few hours of studying and the conversation eventually becoming off topic, they lay next to each other talking about the way the clouds look.

“that one looks like a niffler.” y/n points to an abstract looking cloud.

“i swear, you and sweeting are the only witches who like nifflers.” sebastian chuckles. y/n puts her hand down and looks over at sebastian before facing the sky again.

“what do you think pop and ominis are doing right now?” y/n asks sebastian.

“probably snogging.” y/n lightly hits chest with the back of her hand and he grunts softly.

“i don’t think i’m wrong, they clearly really like each other.” y/n thinks for a moment. remembering the smile ominis had before she ran out of the common room.

“i suppose you’re right, but i think she’s just reading him a book.” y/n looks at sebastian again and turns her body to face him. sebastian follows suit, his hands tucked under his head.

“you look really beautiful.” he whispers.

“oh, stop.” y/n goes to turn onto her back when sebastian places a hand on her waist to keep her looking at him.

“i’m serious, you look really really beautiful.” his eyes searched hers as that familiar heat rises to her face.

“sallow, you are the biggest flirt i’ve ever met.”

“just with you.” he winks and tightens the grip on y/n’s waist slightly.

y/n could hear imelda’s voice in her head calling her a coward and just tell him how she feels. then she swears she hears poppy is telling her how much sebastian likes her and to just go for it.

y/n looks down at sebastian’s lips then back to his eyes. his eyes, hazel and stunning. y/n smiles to herself.

“what’re you thinking about?” sebastian’s voice breaks her thoughts. y/n let’s out a shaky breath.

“you.”

“what about me?” sebastian’s eyebrows furrow for a second.

“just, how unfairly handsome and charming you are.”

“yeah?”

“i regret saying anything.” y/n sits up quickly, causing sebastian to sit up too. he takes his hand and places it carefully on y/n’s cheek. his eyes search y/n’s eyes again. looking for some kind of agreement.

“oh, for merlin’s sake-“ y/n brings her hands up to sebastian collar and crashes her lips against his. he’s taken aback for a moment before he melts into the kiss moving his hand to her hair and other around y/n’s waist. he swipes his tongue against her bottom lip gaining access and exploring her mouth with his tongue.

they pull apart after what seems like hours, breathless and faces a little red.

“i, uhm,” y/n starts, “i like you, seb.”

“i can tell,” y/n rolls her eyes when sebastian continues, “i like you too. i think i started liking you ten minutes after i met you.”

y/n giggles and leans in to give sebastian another kiss. this one, less passionate but so tender.

“so, what now?” y/n says giggling. as sebastian wraps his other hand around her waist.

“how do you mean?” sebastian says kissing y/n’s jawline.

“like, what are we?” sebastian sits up again, moving a stray hair out of y/n’s face.

“oh, here, ominis made me practice with him,” sebastian takes y/n’s hands and clears his throat, “y/n, my love, my dearest, would you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?”

“sebastian, my darling, my beloved, it would be my pleasure.” y/n giggles again and sebastian takes y/n’s face into his hands kisses y/n once more before looking out on the sunset. they sit in silence, holding hands, watching the sunset over the black lake. the golden light casting a glow over the new, happy couple.

“they’re for sure snogging.” y/n states.

“oh, absolutely” sebastian chuckles.

[mermaidgirl30]

Wip Wednesday!

Thank you for the tag @milla-frenchy 🩷

I’ve been working on a little Daddy’s Best Friend, Mr. Miller and Dark Shades of Innocence Lost this week. Making progress.

1. Dbf! Joel

Just when you almost get lost in your fantasies in your mind, Joel pulls you right back out. “I’ll race ya to the beach,” he smirks as he pulls open the back sliding door that leads to a winding staircase down to the beach.

“Bet I can beat you,” you giggle as you push him in the shoulder and race past him, barreling down the sturdy steps as you hear him laughing uncontrollably behind you.

“Cheater,” he laughs with a gravelly tone, “pushed right past me.”

You turn your face his way and stick your tongue out playfully. “Come catch me, slow poke,” you giggle. That just makes him sprint faster toward you.

You take off in the warm sand, your heart beating wildly inside your chest as you run toward the blue crashing waves of the ocean. You turn your head back around quickly and scream when you see him right on your heels.

“C’mere, pretty girl,” he chuckles. One more step and he’s picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder while you squeak and try to escape.

“Joel, put me down!” you laugh, using every bit of strength in you to break free of his hold, but it’s no use. He’s got you in a tight embrace.

“Ain’t puttin’ ya down jus’ yet, baby. Nah, gonna jus’ take ya for a little dip in the water.”

2. Dark Shades of Innocence Lost

Suddenly, your phone lights up as it buzzes in your lap. You unlock the screen, and your eyes light up like a Christmas tree when you see Joel’s name scrolled across the screen. You giggle like a little school girl who’s about to get a handful of candy when you read his text.

Joel: Passed by the library today on my way to work. Made me think of you. Almost stopped in, but figured you’d already be off. Maybe I should’ve tried my luck. Might’ve got to see those beautiful eyes of yours in the sunlight. See ya Saturday, angel. ;)

You can’t stop smiling, your cheeks feel like they’re stretched to their limit as you curl your toes underneath you and squeeze your fingers around the delicate blanket. Joel sure knows how to make your heart flutter uncontrollably.

“What are you beaming about, hmm? Is it Mr. Club Owner?” Taylor laughs from the other side of the couch.

“Let’s see.” Brianna snatches your phone from your clutch, and you try to dive for it, but she holds it up to where you can’t reach.

“Bri, give it!”

“Oh, I was right. It is him! And holy shit is he obsessed with you. Look at how cute this text is, Taylor!” Brianna tosses it to Taylor, and she catches it with ease as she scrolls through your numerous texts with Joel.

Taylor practically loses it as she chokes on a sip of wine. “He called you beautiful! He can’t wait to see you again? And Christ, you guys have been texting a lot. Fuck me!”

You lean forward and grab the phone from her prying fingers and set it down underneath your fuzzy blanket. “Okay, guys. You had your fun. Happy?” you ask annoyed, rolling your eyes as you try to hide the flush of crimson that’s bright on your cheeks.

“Umm yeah, babe! He is totally into you!” Brianna squeaks as she tosses a piece of buttered popcorn your way. You dodge it and shake your head at her while she sets down her fizzy drink on the edge of the polished coffee table.

“You think so?” you giggle, biting your lower lip.

NP tags! @aurorawritestoescape @joelsdagger @alltheirdamn @vivian-pascal @lotusbxtch

@mountainsandmayhem @joelsgreys @burntheedges @sawymredfox @yxtkiwiyxt @604to647

[taylortruther]

pls help if you can, you're so good at this, but english isn't my first language so i often have a hard time understanding lyrics and themes: what does the song renegade talk about, more or less? i'm sorry i'm a bit of a dummy

let's start with the term "renegade" - it's "a person who deserts and betrays an organization, country, or set of principles" (thanks oxford dictionary.) it's similar to an outlaw, a criminal, a rebel, a theme that taylor talks about a lot - someone who runs away, or only looks out for themselves, until they are changed by love. we see this in cowboy like me, too.

renegade is about the narrator begging their partner to accept their help so their relationship can move forward and be stronger. and it touches on another theme common in taylor's music: how she has been changed by love, specifically joe's selfless support.

I tapped on your window on your darkest night The shape of you was jagged and weak There was nowhere for me to stay, but I stayed anyway And if I would've known How many pieces you had crumbled into I might have let them lay

= you were going through a dark, extremely difficult time, and you didn't want to let me in emotionally, but i stayed. but i didn't realize how hard it would be to get you to really let me in and help you.

Are you really gonna talk about timing in times like these? And let all your damage damage me And carry your baggage up my street And make me your future history, it’s time You've come a long way, open the blinds, let me see your face You wouldn't be the first renegade to need somebody

= are you really going to say you're not ready to move forward (timing probably refers to marriage), after all we've been through together as a couple, and after what's going on in the world (covid, political strife, etc)? are you going to let your past, your emotional baggage, push me away until i leave for good? JUST LET ME IN! you aren't the only one with problems, and you can be helped! it doesn't have to be this huge awful thing!

Is it insensitive for me to say "Get your shit together so I can love you"? Is it really your anxiety that stops you From giving me everything Or do you just not want to?

= i'm afraid that you really don't want me. you say your struggles or fears are what's holding you back, but maybe you just don't love me the way i love you

I tapped on your window on your darkest night The shape of you was jagged and weak There was nowhere for me to stay, but I stayed anyway You fire off missiles ’cause you hate yourself But do you know you're demolishing me? And then you squeeze my hand as I'm about to leave

= remember, i want to help you. and you're in pain, you're struggling, i get that, but you have hurt me so badly. i think about leaving, but each time i do, you convince me that you want to keep trying. so LET ME HELP YOU!!!

And if I would've known How sharp the pieces were you'd crumbled into I might’ve let them lay

= similar to above, you REALLY hurt me. and if i'd known how badly you would've hurt me, i really might have just left way before.

and the rest of the song continues to plea with this person to let her in, because her partner is hurting himself and her, perhaps to the point of no return.

[cursed-man-prayers]

High Infidelity is about Miss Americana.

Notes before we begin: First, I can’t post screenshots from the doc bc Netflix, but I have pulled direct quotes and rewatched scenes over and over as I wrote this analysis. The more I watched, the more this theory made sense.

Second, while I obviously don’t know what Taylor Swift’s relationship with her dad is like, the clips in Miss American plus the song tolerate it are enough to convince me that he’s not/wouldn’t be accepting of Taylor being queer. There’s a reason she’s a mama’s girl. This is a Scott Swift hate account.

Let’s begin

Verse One

Lock broken,

A common interpretation of this lyric is the invasion of privacy that is someone reading your diary/journal. Having a locked diary is also something most common with young girls (only girls get privacy, sorry lads), and in Miss Americana, the first diary that Taylor shows in the first scene while she says the first words of the film is a diary that has a lock, and there’s also a closeup of another diary with a lock, as well as the words “bitch session.” There’s also the very common trope/reality of parents reading your diary. Speaking from personal experience, this can genuinely be traumatic, especially taking into consideration the next two words.

Slur Spoken

Seeing as Taylor is a white woman, I genuinely don’t know how else this can be interpreted besides a homophobic slur being spoken. $!u and b*!tch are derogatory, but that’s not the same thing as being a slur. Also, I’m not going to justify the “she’s talking about slurring words while drunk!!” interpretation bc that makes less sense than thinking the slur is “whore.” (I think the diary I mentioned that says “bitch session” is further proof that Taylor doesn’t consider ‘bitch’ to be a slur, even though she has called out the misogynistic way men use it in music.)

Wound open, game token

The person who is breaking this lock and speaking this slur and opening this wound is using Taylor’s pain as a means to get a prize. “You play stupid games you win stupid prizes” (MAATHBP), “You knew you won, so what’s the point of keeping score?” (hoax).

I didn't know you were keeping count

In the Man music video, during the tennis match, Scott Swift is playing the scorekeeper. This line is repeated multiple times in the song. The context of the repetition does change and develop throughout the song.

Rain soaking, blind hoping

I think this refers to the Lover era and how Taylor was not able to come out (specifically that video where she’s talking about ME! and looks sad as shit). I think it’s also a reference to Midnight Rain, rain being a metaphor for unexpected, unseen change, and also the isolation of staying hidden.

You said I was freeloading / I didn't know you were keeping count

As someone with a dad, I can confirm that this is very dad-coded. Like, I can’t think of a context in Taylor’s life where a romantic partner would’ve said this to her, especially considering how idk, rich and successful she’s been since she was a teenager? While I don’t think her dad would ever be justified in saying this to her either, it could be a reference to him throwing his role in her career in her face, the way we see in Miss Americana.

Chorus

This is where things come together in terms of being about Miss Americana.

High infidelity / Put on your records and regret me / I bent the truth too far tonight / I was dancing around, dancing around it

In order to produce a consumable product (the Lover journals) around her and her art, she had to dance around the full truth. The entries were meticulously chosen and most likely edited. In Miss Americana, the segment where she “comes out” as a democrat feels like it might’ve been a different kind of coming out story, especially when you factor in the creation of You Need To Calm Down. It comes across as extremely personal, and while there are multiple factors leading to the experience being emotionally charged for Taylor, I do think that her own queerness is one of those factors. The entire documentary feels like she’s dancing around a bent truth.

Put on your headphones and burn my city

Putting on headphones is shorthand for ignoring someone. “Burn my city” in the context of how Taylor equates her (former) lover with *a certain city* feels like an indication that the subject of the song did something to sabotage and burn down the relationship. I think this is a reference to how her career and the people controlling it (such as her father, but others as well) ruined the love she’s been singing about since reputation.

Your picket fence is sharp as knives

This also goes back to Midnight Rain (“my town was a wasteland, full of cages, full of fences”)

I was dancing around, dancing around it

Taylor has used dancing as a literary device throughout her discography. I believe it’s typically a metaphor for queerness.

Post Chorus

Do you really want to know where I was April 29th?

This goes back to the diaries from Miss Americana. This is Taylor being confronted about a journal entry from an April 29th where she wrote something gay. When *her dad* saw it, it led to a slur being spoken.

Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?

This refers to the segment in Miss Americana that is allegedly all about Joe. Call It What You Want plays over a montage of videos filmed by an unseen lover. The only clip actually featuring Joe in the entire film is a single moment where Taylor and Joe look vaguely excited to see each other after one of the Rep shows. The way she wrote and sung this line makes it seem like charting constellations in some dude’s eyes is the last thing she wants to do.

Verse Two

Storm coming, good husband / Bad omen / Dragged my feet right down the aisle

This very much sounds like Taylor being forced to be romantically linked in a traditional, heterosexual way. The storm coming and bad omen are what led to her being pushed into this, likely the media storm that happened in 2016. It ties together the lines about pickets fences and how the rain referenced in the first verse is connected to Midnight Rain, because, as we learned with the very first track on Midnights, Taylor is not interested in 1950’s shit.

At the house lonely,

“To a house not a home all alone ‘cause nobody’s there,” Dear Reader

good money,

“the jokes weren’t funny, I took the money” from YOYOK is just one example of how the money comes at the cost of herself and who she is and her worth as a human being…

I'd pay if you'd just know me / Seemed like the right thing at the time

…but now she’s regretting paying that price, wishing that she could be truly known. It seemed like the right thing, but she’s realizing that it wasn’t. Alternatively, she regrets coming out to her and the price she now has to pay of knowing his love was conditional. She paid the price for being known. Also, during the clips that play during the segment allegedly about Joe, Taylor is singing Call It What You Want, specifically the lyric “At least I did one thing right” which is… devastating in this context. She also says:

But I wasn’t happy in the way that I was trained to be happy…It was happiness without anyone else’s input. It was just, we were happy.

Anyway she doesn’t seem happy anymore.

Pre Chorus

You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love / The slowest way is never loving them enough

This creates a strong connection to tolerate it. I feel like this lyric is the thesis of that song. Again, this is a very dad-coded lyric. It’s the slow realization that a parent’s love can be conditional. It’s like when a queer kid comes out and a parent says “I still love you, but…” There’s other contexts where that phrase could exist, but it’s an extremely common queer experience.

Do you really want to know where I was April 29th? / Do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?

I think this could refer to the narrative of Joe Alwyn being William Bowery (which is suspect at best and criminal at worst). She has to say that Joe helped her write devastating breakup songs like exile and champagne problems to keep up the narrative that they are in a VERY HAPPY relationship.

The next new lyric is in the third chorus and let’s just say I have thoughts about it.

Put on your records and regret meeting me

THIS LYRIC HAS BEEN DRIVING ME MAD FOR THREE MONTHS. In the other choruses she says “regret me,” but she changes it here to be “regret meeting me” in the last chorus. “Regret me” implies regretting the existence of Taylor Swift. It’s the people credited with kick-starting her career (such as her father!!!) putting on your records, a double-entendre for her albums + the awards and accolades she has earned for those albums. But! In this chorus! The lyric is! Regret meeting me! The promo for Midnights focused heavily on “meet me at midnight,” the concept that she would be showing who she really is with the album, so much so that people thought she might be coming out with this album. While I think this lyric is a reference to that narrative and the fear that her fans won’t get her or won’t like her after listening to Midnights, I also think it is about how her dad regrets learning who she really is, and how he therefore IGNORES IT by listening to the albums she wrote about me. This is the only lyric in the chorus that changes, and it’s seemingly such a small change, a single word added to the line, but that’s what makes it so massive. Because why would she change this lyric if not to completely change the meaning of the line? It’s drawing a distinction between regretting someone’s existence and regretting knowing the truth about them.

Oh, there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love

And it's never enough, it's never enough

I think the phrasing here implies that Taylor feels like she can never be good enough to earn the love she needs and deserves. This ties it, again, to the intro of Miss Americana where she’s going through her diaries and talks about how her main goal in life was to be a good girl.

Outro

The entire first chorus is repeated, and we have a new perspective.

You said I was freeloading

When it comes to this line specifically, I think it refers to the conversation about Taylor’s desire to speak publicly about politics, in which her dad throws in her face how he hired armored cars, essentially saying that she owes him something. It’s just phrased in an odd way and it makes everyone uncomfy.

I didn't know you were keeping count / But oh, you were keeping count

The repetition of the first chorus at the end of the song implies that this song is cyclical. It’s a loop that she’s trapped in. (If you put this song on repeat and turn up the crossfade, you can listen on a seamless loop). Tolerate It does the same thing. Repetition also draws attention to the lyrics while recontextualizing them. The last lyric (“but oh, you were keeping count”) is this acknowledgment that her relationship with this person was/is transactional.

What about the name of the song?

Okay, I’m convinced the only reason anyone would ever think this is a song about cheating is because of the title. Obviously, the primary definition of the word infidelity is cheating on a romantic or sexual partner. Nothing else in the song indicated cheating. SO. OBVIOUSLY. I GOOGLED. THE DEFINITION. TO SEE. WHAT. AN ALTERNATIVE. MIGHT. BE

unbelief in a particular religion, especially Christianity.

Jesus Fucking CHrist. Taylor Swift has called herself a Christian, and she has also written songs with overt religious themes, typically borrowing from Christianity specifically (Don’t Blame Me; False God; Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve; Soon You’ll Get Better). While I know that you can be queer and Christian, it is not unreasonable to conclude that coming out as queer to a conservative Christian (parent) would be considered a lack of belief in Christianity. Infidelity literally means “unfaithful.” To many people, Christianity and queerness are unreconcilable, to the point that they believe accepting yourself as queer can lead to you going to hell. While they won’t say this outloud, many Christians put “homosexuality” into a higher category of sin, meaning that being queer is HIGHLY UNCHRISTIAN, HIGHLY UNFAITHFUL, HIGH INFIDELITY.

One last thing. Miss Americana was released at midnight PST. Which is 3am EST. High Infidelity is a 3am track. So, yeah.

tl;dr

High Infidelity is about being considered unfaithful for being who you are. It’s about dying slowly because you are not loved (enough) for who you are. It’s about how the lies you’ve been forced to tell have forced you to be unfaithful to yourself. It’s about Miss Americana.

[sapppy-cocktail]

All Too Well - Part 2

Sadie Sink x Reader

Masterlist

Part 1

A/N: I know it’s really short guys and I didn’t tag anyone cause this is so short and don’t ask me what this is, I literally have no clue what I’m doing. 😭

I walk onto set looking around and that’s when I see Taylor and she smiles at me before waving me over. “Y/N! How are you? Did you sleep well?” She asks me cheerfully, too energetic for 10am filming. “I’m good. How are you?” I ask back rubbing my eye a bit to make me look more alive. “Sadie’s by that table with Shawn if you wanted to go talk to them.” She says before someone rushes to her and pulls her away from me. I look over at the table she pointed at and walked to it. Both Sadie and Shawn noticing me and smiling as they tell me good morning, Shawn mentioning how I look like a zombie. “Good morning to you too.” I say giving him a fake smile to which they both laugh at. “What time will we finish?” I ask Shawn to which causes him to scoff. “We just got here and you want to leave now?” Sadie asks giggling. “Well I’ll go help with the set. You two should get to makeup so we can finish earlier for Princess Y/N over here.” He says making me raise my eyebrows and flip him off as I begin walking to the trailer set for makeup.

I take a seat on the chair and a lady with short red hair walks over to me. “Hi how are you?” I ask as her as I watch her walk around the trailer mumbling something about makeup brushes. “I’m good, how are you?” She says stopping to look at me and give me a smile before continuing her search. I smile as I watch her look around before I notice a pack of them hiding under a bag. “I think I found them.” I say leaning down to grab them and hold them up. “Thank you!” She says as her eyes light up as she looks at the bag in my hand. I smile as I’m about to hand them to her but the door clicking takes our attention on the door and Sadie smiles shyly as she takes a seat in the chair beside mine. “Good morning.” I say smiling more brighter than before. “You look more awake.” She says smiling as I shake my head before turning to the makeup artist so she can apply foundation onto me. “You look more annoying.” I say making her laugh before another makeup artist entered the room to apply makeup onto Sadie.

“So after you twirl her you pull her in, okay?” Shawn asks before a squeal grabs our attention. It’s Jacey, she slaps a hand over her mouth when she realised what she did. I turn to Sadie to see her smile widen as she grins mischievously at me before walking towards her younger sister, giving her hug before walking back over. “Let’s do this.” Sadie says pulling my hand towards the set. “Oh you’re cruel.” I say laughing as the crew and staff move to their places and music begins playing in the back. I grab Sadie’s hand and we smile and laugh, I dip her before she attempts to make me twirl. I repeat the twirl on her and we laugh before she looks at me as my laughter dies. I smile before she leans forward and kisses me. My hand moves to hold her jaw while the other rests on her waist. I smile into the kiss and lean forward as she tries to move away, trying to hold the kiss for a little longer. As we pull away our heads lean on each others as we laugh before Taylor yells cut. “That was perfect!” Taylor says as she walks over before quickly directing us to a car, not giving us a chance to find Sadie’s younger sibling.

Once the car stops and we arrive in the woods, I get out the car and hold it open while offering a hand to Sadie to grab and help herself out. She takes it and thanks me before some crew members hand us a script and quickly direct us to follow a path on the ground. We follow through until we see cameras set up and both Shawn and Taylor were talking. “Thought you might’ve died.” Shawn says smiling as him and Taylor walk over to us. “You guys ready for the scene.” Taylor asks looking at the both of us. “Let’s do this.” I say smiling as I look at Sadie before wrapping one of my arms over both her shoulders and guide us to the spot with X on the ground.

“Time for a piggyback.” I say squatting as she grabs on my shoulders and jumps up. I hold her thighs and spin around making her squeal and hold me tighter before I slow down and stop. She laughs as she rests her head on top of mine. “Should I jump too?” I ask making her hold me even tighter as she prepares for me to jump but I don’t. “Got you.” I say laughing and I feel her shaking her head and her grip on me loosening as she laughs. “What if I run?” I ask aloud before sprinting and giving her no chance to reply, making her squeal as she holds onto me tight. “You good there?” I ask as I slowly walk back to our previous position on the X, her still on my back. “Wow, now you wanna ask?” She says making me laugh and nod. “Yeah of course. I gotta put you through everything and then ask how you are.” I say with a smile as I hear her let out a small laugh from above me.

A/N: Hey guys, I’m alive 🥳

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi Cas! Swiftie anon, I got grounded for a bit, and I honestly just couldn’t formulate my emotions. I still can’t tbh, but I’m still alive, so yeah, I’ll send a different message later probably. I hope you’re doing okay! I wish I could set boundaries but my strategy is just be mean until I decide I can tolerate someone. that’s not why I’m here though

did you see Taylor in Paris? I saw it right when I got out school and started dying. If it were happening in real time I think I wouldn’t be here rn. She cut so many folklore (I’m in love with folklore I’m a folklore stan) songs, tho, and she also cut tolerate it and tis the damn season and the archer and long live what the fuck, so I’m still coping. The first thing I saw when I opened tumblr was Taylor during who’s afraid of little old me, and I think I might’ve screamed a bit.

She played some favorites though, I love the smallest man who ever lived, the bridge is amazing, and I can do it with a broken heart. And loml as surprise song, Paris was expected, but I think I screamed. the new set feels a little rushed, it kind of stresses me out(?) but it’s fine, and Taylor is like performing for 3-ish hours, so complaint isn’t warranted, and honestly it’s fine. It’s still an amazing show.

What are your thoughts? Hope you’re doing better cas!

Hi hon! Good to hear from you!

Honestly, I thought it was AMAZING. The new set (which I was watching live over tiktok) absolutely wrecked me.

But I'm kind of glad I went when I did, because I'm like you- tolerate it and tis the damn season are some of my FAVS.

Either way, though, Taylor always slays.

Hoping to hear from you soon! <3

[thepalmofyourfreezinghand]

i listened to renegade again for the first time in forever, and it hit me how… cruel, almost that song is, especially the verse ‘if i would’ve known how many pieces you had crumbled into / i might’ve let them lay’. most of the song is understandable, and i think it portrays well the struggle of loving someone who themselves are struggling, but that line doesn’t really sit well with me :(

the whole song kinda seems like the narrator is on the verge of giving up on the relationship with the other person. there’s a lot of frustration, at least to me.

i was thinking that if that song was about me, i would be pretty hurt, no matter the intentions.

i remember you talking about renegade at some point, but can’t remember the details so - what’s your opinion on this song?

I have soooo many thoughts about this song that would open soooo many can of worms, but I won’t do that tonight hahah.

I LOVE the song, it’s top 30 in her discography for me! And I really appreciate Taylor’s honesty in it. I feel closer to the muse than I feel to the narrator in that song, but, again, I still appreciate how Taylor is honest about her struggles with dealing with her partner’s mental health. Dating someone who suffers is not easy, and I really admire her for putting her complex feelings about someone she loves onto paper, I really do.

That being said, if Taylor’s boyfriend said “and if I would’ve known how many pieces you had crumbled into, I might’ve left them lay”, or “is it insensitive for me to say get your shit together, so I can love you”, or “are you really gonna let all your damage damage me”, or “is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything, or do you just not want to?”, A LOT of swifties would absolutely lose their shit. They’d say that Taylor’s bf is unsupportive, that he doesn’t really love her, that he doesn’t respect her, that she deserves to be with someone who really understands her… I would bet my entire classics collection on it hahahah. Instead, swifties praise Taylor for “being honest” and “asking hard questions”. And yeah, we should praise her for that! But they absolutely would NOT praise anyone who said that stuff about Taylor.

[foxes-that-run]

Mirrorball

Taylor said the entire song "This is me trying" is referenced in Mirrorball. It is about celebrity, a performer without an audience who makes art from her pain and can't stop. She talks about being a different version of yourself for specific people, to me this is also who she is with away from performing. It is a self-reflection song but also refers Harry and his Sign of the Times which is a similar.

Lyrics

I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself tonight I'll get you out on the floor Shimmering beautiful And when I break it's in a million pieces

The opening verse is setting the scene that the song is about Taylor entertaining everyone with her glimmering performance where she sings about her pain and heartbreak.

Taylor also refers to breaking into many pieces in Big Red Machine's Renegade "And if I would've known / How many pieces you had crumbled into / I might have let them lay" while in Renegade it is her muse who is broken in Mirrorball it is herself.

Taylor is reflecting on how pain and heartbreak is what she is rewarded for, she talks about this in Miss Americana also

Hush When no one is around, my dear You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you Hush I know they said the end is near But I'm still on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you

This section is considering who she is without an audience, and who's attention she has in private, away from performing.

'hush, the end is near' is a direct quote of Harry's Sign of the Times, "Just stop your crying / It'll be alright / They told me that the end is near" I think she is relating to him and he is the listener.

In the Long Pond introduction she spoke about being a different version of herself for people. She is saying she is still performing for those in her life even when she is off stage.

I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I can change everything about me to fit in You are not like the regulars The masquerade revelers Drunk as they watch my shattered edges glisten

In Renegade she also refers to edges of broken pieces of emotion, there as her muse and here herself, being used to entertain in song. "And if I would've known / How sharp the pieces were you'd crumbled into / I might’ve let them lay"

This verse is reflecting on how she shows a different side of herself to different people. This muse is not like everyone else who marvels are her pain in song, this muse sees Taylor.

Which is interesting, Harry has a similar, though less flattering lyric in Fools Gold: "And I knew that you turned it on for everyone you met / But I don't regret / Falling for your fool's gold"

While in Fools Gold Harry saw that Taylor performed for everyone, he took that as him not being special and loved her anyway. Mirrorball is the reverse, she performs for everyone, but rather than marveling at her shining heartbreak like the other revelers he's there for her. It’s worth noting unlike anyone else in her life much of their heartbreak is shared.

Music for a Sushi restaurant is also similar, in that it comments that they are making music for others, but Harry would rather be together "Music for whatever you want / Scuba-duba-do-boo-boo I'm not going to get lost / I'm not going to go broke / Staying cool / (Know I love you, babe)"

And they called off the circus Burned the disco down When they sent home the horses And the rodeo clowns I'm still on that tightrope I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me I'm still a believer but I don't know why I've never been a natural All I do is try, try, try I'm still on that trapeze I'm still trying everything To keep you looking at me

Here the circus, disco and clowns are shows being cancelled by the pandemic/ In the Long Pond Session Taylor said this verse is about the pandemic, her shows were cancelled and she reflected on who she is without an audience and starting to drink.

I'm not a natural, all I do is try, try, try is referring to "This is me Trying", which Taylor notes in the Long Pond Session.

To me 'Still a believer' is also a reference to Hoax. I hear this section as without the ability to perform for her fans, Taylor is left to reflect on her personal life and who she wants attention from. She reflects her insecurities in her personal relationships

This is also in Say don't go, with the same muse "I’m standin' on a tightrope alone / I hold my breath a little bit longer / Halfway out the door, but it won't close/ I'm holdin' out hope for you to" this is so similar, and less matured than Mirrorball and Hoax where she is holding out faith this person will notice and love her.

In the Daylight Music Video, released after Mirrorball:

Because I'm a mirrorball I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself Tonight

This returns to the beginning, Taylor puts her audience of 1 or 100,000 first, before herself.