#I think they cancelled my plan- but the worst part is that I was struggling to pay for it anyway 💀

[aka-thesheepgirl]

Hi, how have you been?

So I stopped using Tumblr because I was feeling very overwhelmed by personal life and my own dumb brain making all sort of chemicals (none of which were beneficial!), but here I am! WHY?! BECAUSE I'VE BEEN

OBSESSED

With an variety of different interests and hyperfixations that I NEED TO EXPRESS WITHOUT FILTER-

Like seriously, I've been using Instagram ever since because I wanted to make cute art and maybe get a nice portfolio going on but I want to draw CRINGE!! I want to BE CRINGE!!

But that's about it, because I don't want to talk about the time I was out. I mean it was a nice reset from Tumblr but from life?? I NEED REST FROM LIFE RIGHT NOW-

[threewaywithdelusion]

Steve & Robin Bodyswap AU

I'm probably never going to finish this fic because I struggle with follow-through on long fics, but I enjoy this section so I thought I'd post it. At this point, it's September 1986 and Steve and Robin have been body-swapping for about a month (they can't control when it happens). Trigger warnings for homophobia and use of the word queer as a slur.

When the dizzy feeling passed, Robin was in Steve’s body, looking into his bathroom mirror. She was almost naked, only a towel around her waist, and it looked like Steve had been halfway through his hair routine. Robin sighed and picked up Steve’s hairspray and a comb, trying to finish creating Steve’s famous hairstyle. It was harder than Steve made it look, and when she finished it looked a little off-center somehow, like it had melted a little to the side. Was his hair longer than before? Whatever. This was as good as she could get it, so Steve would have to live with it. 

The phone rang as Robin returned to the bedroom. 

“Hello?” Robin answered. 

“Hey,” Steve said. “Do you remember where you’re going tonight?”

“No,” Robin said. “I was planning on doing my English paper and then repainting my nails. I didn’t think we’d switch so late in the day.”

Steve sighed. “Me neither. That’s why I scheduled a date.”

“A date!” Robin shrieked. 

She couldn’t go on a date. With a girl. As Steve Harrington. 

“Yeah,” Steve said, sounding guilty. “Listen. Her name is Jenny and you’re supposed to pick her up at seven. Her address is written on a post-it on the kitchen table.”

“Steve,” Robin said. “I can’t go on this date.”

“Why not?”

“Why not? Because I’m not you! Because she wants to go on a date with Mr. Cool and not some band nerd who rambles when she’s nervous, like, I don’t know, when she’s in front of a pretty girl. I can’t go on my first date with a girl in your body! And I can’t drive! I’ll crash the car and kill us both.”

“You’re not so bad anymore,” Steve said. “At worst, you’ll get into a fender-bender.”

“And what about all the other reasons this is a terrible idea?” Robin demanded. 

“Do you actually mind?” Steve asked, voice small. “Going on your first date with a girl in my body?”

She knew if she said yes, he would let her cancel. But there was something vulnerable in his voice and that made her stop and think. 

Did she mind? For the past three years, Robin had been dreaming of going on a date with a girl. She’d imagined what it would be like to hold a door open for a girl, to hold hands under the table, to giggle at her jokes and maybe even get a kiss at the end of the night. And she’d imagined doing all that in her own body, with someone who was into her. 

Part of her wanted that. Part of her was holding onto that dream of an ideal first date, the way some girls dreamed of a perfect first time. 

But also, Robin had never gone on a date with a girl because she lived in Hawkins. She probably wouldn’t get to go on a date until after she graduated and moved away. Maybe this was her chance to go on a date with a girl. It might not fully count, but it would still be her on the date. Her and this girl. It could at least be good practice for her real first date.

“I don’t mind,” Robin said. “But Steve, I’m going to ruin this.”

“You’re not going to ruin anything,” Steve said. “Just be yourself. Or, well, maybe not yourself, cause you’re supposed to be me. But you’ll be fine!”

Robin groaned. “Steeeeve.”

“It’ll be fine!”

“You won’t be mad at me if I totally tank your date, right?”

“No,” Steve said. “You’re going on a date for me. That’s like, really nice, even if it goes wrong. No one’s ever done that for me before.”

Robin snorted. “Well I would hope not, Dingus. If you’d been bodyswapping with someone else and you hadn’t brought it up by now, I’d be pissed.”

Steve laughed. “Nah, no other bodyswappers. I still think it was the Russian drugs.”

Robin rolled her eyes. “It wasn’t the drugs!”

“It totally was!”

Robin eyed the clock on Steve’s bedside table. “I have to go if I’m going to make it to your date on time.” Especially if she drove at Robin-speed to pick the girl up. 

“Okay,” Steve said. “Remember, her name is Jenny and her address is on the kitchen table. I’ll start the rough draft of your essay and then you can fix it tomorrow.”

Robin winced. Steve seemed to be enjoying school more now that he was in her body and his dyslexia didn’t get in the way, but he was still a terrible essay writer. There probably wouldn’t be much usable material in whatever he wrote, but she appreciated that he was trying to take the burden of half her schoolwork. 

“Thanks,” she said. “Maybe just do an outline?”

Steve paused for a moment. When he spoke again, there was something off about his voice. “Yeah, okay.”

Robin wanted to push, but she really didn’t have time and her stomach was already starting to churn with nerves at the idea of going on a date. She said her goodbyes and hung up the phone before going to Steve’s closet. She didn’t know how to dress for a date, especially as a boy, but presumably Jenny wanted to go out with Steve, so Robin pulled out jeans and a polo. She winced as she looked in the mirror, King Steve staring back. Swoopy hair, pretentious polo, and handsome face – all looking horribly out of place with Robin in his body, shoulders slumping in uncomfortably. 

Robin looked away. 

She found the post-in on the kitchen and Steve’s keys on the hook by the front door before sliding nervously behind the wheel of Steve’s car. She took a deep breath and slid the key into the ignition, backing painfully slowly out of the driveway. Her nerves increased as she drove, building like a knot in her stomach. It was so odd how Steve’s body handled nervousness. In her own body, Robin would be bouncing, or pacing, or flapping her hands, anything to expel this nervous energy. When Robin was anxious, she needed to move, to babble, to get it all out. 

Steve’s body held onto anxiety, using it to twist his insides tighter and tighter. His shoulders ached from the tension he held and his heart started pounding and the idea of moving didn’t feel helpful, not to the body Robin was in. 

But she wanted to move, and the mixed signals just added to the confused anxiety in her body. 

When she arrived at Jenny’s house, she had to knock at the door. Luckily, a girl opened it, dressed nicely and looking the right age to be Steve’s date.

This was confirmed when the girl smiled and said, “Hi, Steve.”

“Hi,” Robin said. Way to go Steve! Jenny was pretty, long blonde curls and big blue eyes. She was wearing a sundress with a square neckline that drew attention to the line of her collarbones, and a short skirt that revealed long, smooth legs, tan from the summer sun. Her hands, fiddling with the hem of her dress, were decorated by thin gold rings on each finger. 

“Like what you see?”

Robin flinched before she registered Jenny’s teasing tone. 

Jenny was flirting. She thought she was being eyed by Steve Harrington and she liked it, so she was teasing him for staring.

But it wasn’t Steve. It was Robin, admiring a pretty girl. Robin, who lived in fear of being caught staring and being chased out of town by an angry mob with pitchforks and crosses and Save the Children posters. 

Robin managed a shaky smile for Jenny. “You look really pretty.”

Jenny looked pleased. She called a goodbye into the house and followed Robin to the car. Robin took a deep breath as she slid behind the wheel again. 

“How was your day?” Jenny asked. 

“Good,” Robin said. She’d gone to work this morning as Steve, then finished the afternoon at school as herself. She’d gone to band practice, where they had started a new song. But that wasn’t what Steve had done with his day. Or, well, it wouldn’t have been if they weren’t swapping bodies. Steve had graduated. “I had work.”

“What made you want to work at Family Video?” Jenny asked. 

Robin couldn’t answer for a moment, focused on making a left turn. Then there was a pothole to swerve and a stop sign to navigate. By the time Robin thought of Jenny’s question again, the silence was awkward and heavy. 

“Uh, movies?” Robin said. “Yeah, I, uh, like movies. Big movie fan.”

She wished she could see Jenny’s expression, but Robin had to watch the road. 

“Okay,” Jenny said slowly, sounding skeptical. “What movies do you like?”

“Grease,” Robin said, naming one of Steve’s favorites. “

“Oh I love Grease!” Jenny said. “It’s so romantic, isn’t it?”

Robin hated Grease. She thought it was patriarchal and ridiculous and taught women that they should change to win the love of men who treated them badly. Sure, Sandy looked hot at the end, but it came at the cost of her personality and autonomy and self-expression. Robin hated the idea that a girl was supposed to conform to what a guy wanted of her. Why couldn’t Danny be the one to change?

“Yeah, it’s romantic,” Robin said. 

They hit a curb as she took a turn and Jenny let out a little yelp. Robin refocused on the road. 

“Sorry,” she said. “I, uh, ran out of contacts? And lost my glasses? I don’t think I can talk and drive right now.”

“Oh,” Jenny said, sounding nervous and unimpressed. That was fair. Robin wouldn’t like it if the guy driving her around said he couldn’t see shit.  “Yeah, sure.”

They drove in silence until they got to the diner. 

[Jenny asks about basketball and robin fumbles her way through answers]

[They kiss goodnight on Jenny’s doorstep]

As soon as Jenny entered her house, Robin felt her face crumple. She retreated to the car and drove back to Steve’s house, shaking a little. She wanted to cry, but Steve’s body wouldn’t. There was a lump in her throat and an ache in her chest, but her eyes were dry. 

She hated this. She hated that the date had gone so badly. She hated that her first kiss had been stolen. That it hadn’t been her Jenny had wanted to kiss and it hadn’t been her lips that had been kissed. She hated that Steve had sent her on this date. She hated that she’d agreed. She hated Steve’s stupid body, which wasn’t hers and was foreign and masculine and wouldn’t even fucking cry when she wanted it to. 

Robin parked and stormed into Steve’s house. She slammed the door behind her, which felt good, so she did it a few more times. Slam. Slam. Slam. When she felt out of breath, she collapsed against the entryway wall. 

Steve’s reflection stared back at her from the mirror above the key hooks. 

She couldn’t take it. She ran up the stairs, bypassing Steve’s bedroom and entering his parents’ room. She’d never been in here before because Steve acted like it was forbidden, but she didn’t care right now. She found Mrs. Harrington’s vanity and started ripping the drawers open, upending makeup and hair supplies until she found several bottles of nail polish. 

They were all boring pinks and reds, exactly what a housewife would wear, but Robin grabbed the darkest red and took it downstairs. She grabbed a David Bowie record and blasted it, propping her hands on her thighs and starting to paint her nails. Her hands were shaking, but she stubbornly pushed through, trying to paint a neat maroon coat onto Steve’s nails. 

She stopped and stared after she finished the first hand. 

It was Steve’s hand still, broad and square-fingered, but it felt better with the nail polish. A bit more feminine. 

Robin had spent so long in her own body trying to express herself without femininity. She didn’t like dresses or skirts or long hair. Her makeup was smudgy and her jewelry chunky and she liked to look good but not in a girly-girl way. 

In Steve’s body though, she felt like she had to compensate for its masculinity. She was still a girl, even if she wasn’t a girly one, and seeing a man staring back at her in the mirror was uncomfortable. She wanted to put Steve’s body in a dress and grow out his hair and do his makeup. But that all felt like a violation of Steve’s will for what he wanted to do with his body. She was just a guest here – she couldn’t change anything he couldn’t quickly change back. Even if she spent a solid half of her waking hours in this body. 

Steve’s hand looked good in maroon nail polish. It felt a bit more like hers. 

***

Steve woke up in his own body, which was rare these days. 

He was in his bed and he had a headache, which wasn’t that unusual. But it wasn’t a spike of pain in his skull, no oncoming migraine. This felt like a headache from crying. 

Steve went to the bathroom mirror and squinted at his reflection. Maybe Robin had a point and Steve should get glasses. His bad eyesight was much more noticeable and annoying when he spent half his time looking at the world through Robin’s 20/20 eyes. 

With just a little squinting though, Steve found that he was right; his eyes were red. Robin had been crying. 

Steve’s heart sank. He’d thought Robin would call after the date yesterday, but he hadn’t heard from her. He hadn’t heard from her, and she had cried herself to sleep. What had happened?

He’d been kind of happy when Robin hadn’t called, which he felt bad about. But she hadn’t wanted him to write a draft of her paper, just an outline. It was stupid to be upset about that. But for the first time in his life, Steve was following what was happening in Robin’s English and history classes. They were way more interesting when he could read without getting frustrated, and he’d wanted to write the paper to help Robin but also to see what he could do when he actually understood the book. 

But Robin didn’t think he was smart enough to write her essay. 

Which was fine, obviously, Steve knew that Robin was way smarter than him. He shouldn’t be upset just because Robin knew that too. 

It was fine. The problem was that something had made Robin cry. 

He was picking her up for school, so he would ask on the drive. 

Steve started getting ready, brushing his teeth and doing his hair. There was too much hairspray in it, the way there usually was when Robin had been the last one to style it, so he brushed it through a bit extra to try to get some of the stiffness out. 

There was also nail polish on his fingers. 

Steve stopped for a long moment to stare. The nail polish was pretty, a dark red color and super smooth. Steve had tried to paint Robin’s nails last night and he’d done a much worse job, getting nail polish all over her skin and accidentally making it lumpy and full of bubbles. 

But on Steve’s hands, the polish was neat and smooth and elegant. Steve had never had his nails painted before, but it was pretty. He liked it. 

Maybe Steve shouldn’t have painted Robin’s nails. He’d been under the impression that Robin hated the process of painting her nails – always complaining about having to sit still while they dried. But if she liked it enough to do it in Steve’s body, maybe he should have let her paint her own. 

Steve grabbed his work vest and a granola bar and drove to Robin’s house. She came out the door in a hurry, jacket half-on, shouting something back at her parents. But she was quiet as she got in the car. She barely said hello before busying herself looking through Steve’s tapes. 

Steve frowned. “Robin? Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Robin said. “I’m fine. Just tired, you know?”

Steve had gone to bed early last night, which meant Robin’s body shouldn’t be tired. He didn’t say that. 

“How did the date go?”

Robin froze, only for a second, but it was noticeable given how she was always in motion. “It was okay. She said you should call her.”

“That sounds pretty good,” Steve said tentatively. 

“Yeah,” Robin said. She put in a tape and turned the volume up. 

Dread started to grow in Steve’s stomach. He waited until he’d pulled into Dustin’s driveway and honked to turn down the music. Dustin always took a minute to come out. 

“Did I overstep?” Steve asked quietly. 

“What do you mean?” Robin asked. She was fiddling with her bracelets, and Steve suddenly realized she hadn’t even looked at him since getting in the car. 

“When I asked you to go on the date for me. Was that too much?”

Robin still didn’t look at him. “Steve-”

“Hey!” Dustin said loudly, climbing into the backseat. “You won’t believe what happened in our campaign last night. So we were in this forest, right, and then Eddie had this really suspicious looking dwarf show up-”

Dustin kept babbling about his campaign all the way to the school and Steve tried to react in the appropriate places. He had no idea what was happening in the story because Dustin used way too many words that Steve was pretty sure didn’t exist. But he’d already hurt Robin somehow; he didn’t want to hurt Dustin as well. 

Steve dropped them both at school — Robin leaving with a little “bye” and Dustin still rambling on his way out of the car — and went to work. He was the only one working until Robin got on in the afternoon, so it was pretty boring. A few housewives came in, but mostly Steve rewound and reshelved tapes. He contemplated actually cleaning, but decided he wasn’t bored enough to do that and ended up tapping his fingers idly on the counter as he half-paid attention to the children’s movie that was playing on the tv. 

Today, of all days, Steve didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts. 

What had gone so wrong? He’d asked Robin if she was okay with going on the date and she had said yes. But she hadn’t called and she couldn’t even look at him this morning. That had never happened before. They had bickered back when they’d been getting to know each other at Scoops Ahoy, but they’d never had a real fight. 

All Steve could think of was Nancy. Nancy, pulling away because Steve couldn’t be what she needed. Nancy, who Steve had hurt without even realizing it. Nancy, who Steve had loved and who he had lost because he was bullshit. 

He couldn’t be bullshit with Robin. He’d thought he was safe from ruining this because they were friends and they’d felt mind-melded even before the body swapping had started. 

But Steve had clearly done something wrong. He had to figure out what it was and fix it before he lost Robin. 

A man came in, dressed in a suit, clearly on his lunch break. Steve tracked him as he wandered the shelves, but the man didn’t seem to need any help, quickly finding a movie and bringing it up to the counter. 

It was [romance movie]. 

“It’s for my wife,” the man said, as if he thought Steve was judging him. 

“That’s romantic,” Steve said. “Can I get your name?” 

“Johnny Richards,” the man said. “My wife’s upset I had to work late the past month. It’s not my fault! I work for the mayor’s office and we’re still dealing with the fallout of that fucking mall fire.”

Steve’s customer service smile turned even more frozen. He mechanically pulled up the man’s profile. Johnny Richards’ account had a few action movies, some chick flicks, and a lot of pornography. 

Steve tried to change the topic to Johnny’s wife again. “I’m sure she’ll appreciate a movie date night. This one’s a good choice.”

He flashed Johnny Richards another customer service smile as he scanned the movie, but Johnny wasn’t looking at his face. He was watching Steve’s hands. 

“That’ll be three dollars,” Steve said.

Johnny’s eyes flashed to his, lips curled back in a sneer. “You a queer?”

Steve blinked in confusion. “What?”

“You. A. Queer?” Johnny repeated. 

Steve’s muscles locked at the word and at the tone the man was using. He automatically looked for Robin, trying to make sure he was between her and the threat, before he remembered that she was at school. 

“No?” Steve said. He didn’t sound confident, which he knew was a mistake, but he was really confused.

“No?” The man mocked. “Then why are you painting your nails like one?”

Oh. Steve glanced down at his hands, at the red color on his nails. He’d kept it on when he’d left the house because he liked it and because Robin had been the one to paint them, but he’d been too preoccupied to think his decision through. 

He should have known better than to wear nail polish in Hawkins, Indiana. 

“I didn’t paint them,” Steve said. “My friend did. She, um, wanted to practice.”

Johnny gave Steve a disdainful look. “Acting like a pussy isn’t going to get you any girls. If she’s painting your nails, you’re stuck in the friend zone — you don’t have to give her your dignity as well. Have some self-respect and stop looking like a goddamn queer.”

“I’m not a queer,” Steve protested. 

“Just some friendly advice,” Johnny said. “Better you hear it from me, than someone who wouldn’t be so nice.”

It sounded so much like something Steve’s father would say that he gave an automatic, “Yes, sir.”

Johnny Richards nodded, like that was the reaction he’d been hoping for. He slapped three dollars on the counter, far from Steve’s hand as if he didn’t want to touch him, then grabbed the tape and walked out. 

Steve felt hot all over, shame and embarrassment and something else filling him. He felt dirty, like he shouldn’t have liked having his nails done. 

He was a boy. He wasn’t supposed to like girly things. Even if he was a girl half the time, when he was in Robin’s body and she was in his. 

He didn’t mind being in Robin’s body. He didn’t mind her longer hair, or her painted nails, or her makeup, even when it was on him. He liked wearing her clothes, even though most of it wasn’t his style and he wished he could get some nice blouses and skirts. 

But that was all when he was in Robin’s body. He was allowed to like those things when he was a girl. He had been stupid to think he could get away with painted nails as a boy. 

Steve was still shaking. He felt awful, like he’d been through something worse than a few mean comments from a stranger. The kind of comments he himself had made in the past. 

If this was how everyone he had bullied had felt, maybe he deserved to feel this way. 

Steve kept his fingers curled as he helped the next few customers, hiding his nails from sight. 

By the time Robin showed up for her afternoon shift, Steve was able to act sufficiently normal. Robin was still half-avoiding him, but it was Friday afternoon and they were ridiculously busy trying to rent out movies for the weekend. 

Steve waited until they were alone in the store, closing up, to say “Can you please come over? I want to talk.”

“Okay,” Robin said to the ground. But she got in the car with him and let him drive her to his house. 

They took their shoes off by the entryway and made their way to the kitchen, moving seamlessly to make dinner. They were both comfortable moving around Steve’s kitchen as if they lived there, because they both lived there. 

Steve almost added peas to his own plate before he remembered that he hated peas. They only tasted good when he was Robin. 

When they were both picking at their reheated lasagne, Steve said, “I’m sorry.”

Robin’s head jerked up, a bewildered look on her face. 

“I’m sorry,” Steve repeated. He hadn’t said those words much the first sixteen years of his life. But he’d say them a million times now if that’s what it took to get Robin to forgive him. 

“For what?” Robin asked. 

Was this a test? Steve’s mother did that sometimes, made him explain what he was apologizing for so she could scoff in his face and tell him that wasn’t why she was mad and to try again. 

“For asking you to go on that date for me?” Steve guessed. 

Robin didn’t look happy with that answer. 

“I don’t know,” Steve quickly admitted. Sometimes it was better to just get it over with. She could explain how he’d fucked up and then she could yell and then he could apologize and hopefully they would be okay. “I’m sorry for being so stupid that I don’t know what I did, I guess. But I didn’t mean you make you mad. Or sad? And I’m really sorry.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Robin said, sounding angry. 

Steve hesitated. This felt like a bad idea, but “You seem mad.”

“I am, but not at you.”

“Then why haven’t you looked at me all day?”

Robin growled and got to her feet, starting to pace. “It’s complicated, okay? I’m mad at your stupid body, and you’re in it right now. And I’m mad at this whole situation. It fucking sucks, okay?”

Steve didn’t know how to fix the situation. They had hit a dead end with everything they had tried, and unless El got her powers back, their only possible next step was to trust the government scientists. Call Steve crazy, but even before the Russians he hadn’t trusted government scientists, especially ones who had experimented on a little girl for her powers. 

So he focused on the part he maybe could fix. “Why are you mad at my body?”

Robin spun on her heel, still pacing, arm flying as she tried to explain. “It just feels all… off. Wrong. Like, I’m a girl and I hate being trapped in a boy’s body. I hate being perceived as a man. Don’t you feel the same when you’re in my body? Like it’s wrong being a girl?”

No, Steve didn’t. But that probably wasn’t helpful to say right now. And it was weird. Shameful. 

If Robin didn’t like boy stuff when she was in Steve’s body, why did he like girl stuff when he was in hers?

“I guess I didn’t think about it so much,” Steve lied. 

“It’s just… ugh! It makes my skin crawl,” Robin said. “And I hate that we switch so much and we can’t control it. I feel like I’m missing my life. I missed my first day of senior year. I barely ever see my parents anymore, and I miss them. They’re threatening to kick me out of band because I’ve missed so many rehearsals, but you can’t play the trumpet so I don’t know what else we’re supposed to do. And I hate never being able to make plans with anyone but the kids because no one else knows about the body-swapping and I can’t ever guarantee I’m going to be in my own body.”

That was a lot. Steve had no idea how to fix any of that. He hadn’t really been bothered by the switching — his only friends all knew about the Upside Down, so if he showed up in Robin’s body to plans he’d made as Steve, no one batted an eye. 

But Robin was different. Robin had a life outside of him and the kids. She had friends and school and band and parents who loved her. 

Of course she would feel like she was missing out on her life. 

“And!” Robin continued, still pacing. “I fucking hated that date. I didn’t know how to drive and I didn’t know what to say. She kept expecting me to be you, and she kept looking all awkward and put-off whenever I answered something like me. And I don’t know a thing about basketball and I hate Grease!”

“Why would you hate-”

“And she kissed me,” Robin said. 

Steve went quiet. 

There were tears in Robin’s eyes. 

“It was the end of the date and she just kissed me, even though the date sucked. Even though she hated every part of me that was actually me. And I’ve never kissed anyone before. It was my first kiss, and it was with a girl, but I was a boy and I was you and she didn’t even like me.”

Robin started crying. 

Steve didn’t know what else to do, so he pulled her into a hug and let her sob into his shoulder. 

“I never thought I’d get to kiss a girl,” Robin said hoarsely. “Or at least not while I was in Hawkins. And then I did and it was all wrong.”

There was so much pain in her voice and it was all Steve’s fault. He never should have asked her to go on that stupid date. He could have just rescheduled instead of putting her in that position. 

She’d said she wasn’t mad at him, but maybe she had just been lying to spare Steve’s feelings. This was all his fault. 

He would have to find a way to fix it. He wasn’t sure how yet, but he would do it. 

Eventually, Robin stopped crying. She pulled out of Steve’s hug, grabbing his hands instead and swinging them between them, looking down so she wouldn’t have to meet his eyes. 

Then she froze, lifting Steve’s hands to her face. Steve tensed for a moment, thinking of the man from Family Video, before he remembered that this was Robin. She wasn’t going to judge him. She was the one who’d painted his nails in the first place. 

“You kept it on,” Robin said. 

“Yeah,” Steve said. 

“You didn’t have to,” Robin said. “Why would you do that?”

Steve shrugged. 

“You can take it off, if you want,” Robin said. “I didn’t mean to stick you with it after we switched back. I just needed to do something to make your body feel more like me.”

Because Robin hated being in Steve’s body. He understood that much, at least. His body came with headaches and a deaf ear and blurry eyesight and dyslexia. And maleness, which Steve hadn’t realized would be strange for Robin.

“I can keep it on,” Steve said. “If it makes you more comfortable when we switch.”

Robin bit her lip, looking hesitant. “It’s still your body, Steve. I don’t want to make it comfortable for me by making it uncomfortable for you.”

Steve was all twisted up inside. He didn’t know how he felt about the nail polish. “I don’t mind it. I can keep it on.”

Robin still hesitated. “People might be… mean. If you keep it on.”

Steve felt hot all over again. Off-balance. 

But what could he say? He couldn’t complain to Robin of all people that he’d gotten called a queer today at work. He would sound like a whiny, self-centered dick. He knew Robin had gotten called slurs before. And it was worse, because for her they were actually true. 

He was just being a baby about this. He had to toughen up and get over it. 

“Please,” he said forcing a smile. “Nobody’s going to say anything to Steve Harrington.”

Robin scanned his face, like she was checking if he was sure, and he gave her his best over-confident smirk, a look he hadn’t really pulled out since the King Steve days. 

Maybe it was because he’d never used this expression on Robin before, but she seemed to believe it. She smiled back at him and he could see that it was real. 

“Thanks, Steve,” she said. “We should get more bottles though. I’m not sure maroon is really your color.”

Steve pretended to be offended. “But I want to match my baby.”

“Your baby?” Robin asked, eyebrows up. 

“My car,” Steve said. 

Robin moaned. “Ugh. It’s bad enough you have a picture of a car hanging in your room. You are not allowed to start calling your car your baby, Steve. I will disown you.”

“You can’t disown me! You literally are me half the time.”

“I can and will disown you,” Robin countered. “I’ll be disowning you as a person, not your body, so I’ll just ignore you. Unless you act normal about cars. No calling them baby, or calling yourself their daddy. That might have been the most traumatizing part of Starcourt, really.”

“That was the most traumatizing part of Starcourt,” Steve repeated incredulously, putting his hands on his hips. 

“Yep,” Robin said, nodding firmly. “That was the most traumatizing part.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “I’ll think about acting normal. You staying over?”

“I guess I should, at this point,” Robin said. “Let me just call my parents.”

Steve caught Robin’s arm as she moved to the phone. “You don’t have to stay. If you miss your parents and you want to see them, you should go home.”

It hurt to say. Steve didn’t want Robin to go. He didn’t want to be alone in his house after being alone at the store all day. 

Maybe Robin could see that, because her expression softened. “No,” she said. “I’ll stay.”

They fell asleep together, Steve finding it much easier to keep the nightmares at bay when he knew Robin was by his side, safe from Russians and monsters. 

He woke up in Robin’s body, wrapped in his own arms. 

***

Steve and Robin spent the weekend together. 

Robin felt terrible about making Steve feel bad. She hadn’t meant to take her anger out on him — she was mad at him, but he hadn’t done anything wrong. He never would have pushed her to go on the stupid date if she’d said no and it wasn’t his fault they were swapping bodies. 

But it was Robin’s fault that Steve had had that look on his face — fearful and desperate and apologetic, like he was afraid that he had irreparably damaged their friendship. 

Sometimes Robin forgot that Steve was as desperate to keep her as she was to keep him. Sometimes a mean little voice in her brain whispered that he was Steve Harrington, that he’d been cool and popular and he had known how to get people to like him. That even now, he was worshipped by a pack of feral children and he was generous and selfless and funny and interesting and that anyone would be lucky to be his friend. He didn’t have to settle for Robin, who couldn’t read social cues and rambled way too much and had never had a real friend before Steve. 

She hated that voice in her head. It was a liar and it was mean to both him and her. Steve might have been popular, but he had never had a close friend before Robin (or maybe Dustin) either. He might be adored by his kids, but he had no friends his own age. And he was incredible in a million ways, but he also thought Robin was incredible and he told her all the time, calling her funny and brave and smart like he didn’t care that she was a socially inept nerd.

She hadn’t meant to hurt him. She hadn’t realized that quietly seething — at him, a little, but also at the injustice of this whole situation — would hurt him more than outright telling him she was upset. 

She should have known better. She knew what had happened in his relationship with Nancy, and while she was nothing like Nancy Wheeler and she definitely wasn’t dating Steve, she knew Steve had a fear of being unintentionally terrible to the people he loved.

He had never been terrible to her, not even once, not even when she’d rejected him or come out to him or made him suffer through period cramps in her body. 

But Robin had been terrible to Steve, on purpose at first when she’d been forced to work with King Steve at Scoops Ahoy and then unintentionally a few times, like yesterday, when she hadn’t taken enough care with Steve’s emotions.

Robin decided to make it up to him. On Saturday morning they cooked breakfast together, making blueberry pancakes and coffee. Then Robin helped Steve re-do the nails he’d painted on her body, showing him how to get the air bubbles out and how to paint it in coats so it could dry in between. Steve watched attentively and held Robin’s hands up proudly when he was done. 

They hung out with the gremlins Saturday afternoon. Back in their own bodies, Steve taught Lucas how to shoot hoops while Robin played a vicious game of Monopoly against Dustin and Mike. 

“How come your nails are red?” Dustin asked Steve when Steve and Lucas came in from the driveway, sweaty and panting. 

“I painted them,” Robin said. Mike landed on Park Place and Robin grinned as she charged him an exorbitant amount of money. Capitalism was so fun when it was fictional and she was winning.

“Isn’t that weird though?” Mike asked. “Having your nails painted?”

Steve tensed. Robin had been waiting for the moment he gave up on the painted nails as too feminine or too gay, and apparently Mike’s question was that moment. Robin had honestly thought he would last until at least Monday. 

“Munson has his nails painted,” Steve said cattily, which wasn’t what Robin had expected at all.

Mike rolled his eyes. “Yeah, cause it’s metal. You’re too preppy to pull off painted nails.”

Steve looked a little dumbfounded and Robin hid a grin. Apparently the kids’ problem wasn’t with a man having his nails painted, it was with Steve doing it. 

“Steve’s metal,” Lucas said. 

Mike scoffed. “How?”

“He has a bat full of nails,” Lucas said reasonably. “That’s pretty metal.”

“See, Wheeler?” Steve boasted. “I’m metal enough to paint my nails.”

Mike scowled. “I’m more metal than you are.”

They all looked at Mike, scrawny as a beanpole and dressed in horrifically mismatched clothing. Robin felt a bit blinded by the bright colors he was wearing. 

Dustin was the first one to start laughing, but they all eventually joined in. 

Mike grumbled, crossing his arms defensively. “Will would’ve agreed with me.”

“You mean he would have lied to spare your feelings,” Dustin teased. 

Mike yelped and launched a pillow at Dustin, who threw one back, and then they were all engaged in a pillow fight with Steve’s mom’s fancy throw pillows. Robin used to opportunity to whack at Mike and Dustin, who were objectively the most annoying of the children. She was about to get Dustin from behind when all of a sudden she was looming over Lucas, all the way across the room. 

Robin lost her balance and fell, straight onto Lucas, who let out a high-pitched yelp as her elbows and knees hit him. 

“Sorry,” Robin gasped, rolling off him. “I didn’t know Steve was doing fucking acrobatics during a pillow fight.”

Lucas’s head jerked sharply. “Woah. Robin?”

Robin nodded. 

Lucas smiled and lifted a pillow, smacking it across Robin’s face. As Robin sputtered, he said “that’s for using illegal weapons in a pillow fight. No elbows!”

“Oh, you’re on, Sinclair.”

As Robin tried to murder Lucas with a pillow, she thought that this was what she was missing in the rest of her life; people who watched her switch bodies with Steve and then just kept going like it was normal. She hated dropping into her body in the middle of a customer interaction at Family Video, when the customer would get mad at having to repeat the name of the movie they were looking for. She hated dropping into her body mid-conversation with Kate, unsure what the hell they were talking about and getting weird looks for babbling more off-topic than usual. She hated her inability to know where she was going to be at any given minute, or who she was going to be. 

But with Steve’s kids, who’d been to hell and back and didn’t think a bit of body-swapping was the weirdest thing they’d ever seen, she almost felt normal. 

“Let’s get Steve,” Robin whispered to Lucas. They crept up behind Steve — which was so weird, watching the back of her own head as Steve used her body to fight off Dustin and Mike — and jumped at him, whacking him with pillows. 

Steve shrieked — high-pitched with Robin’s vocal cords — and spun, narrowing his eyes at Robin in his body. 

“Oh, it’s on, Buckley.”

[frick6101719]

Hi! I hope you're doing goood)) Please do tell, are you going to continue writing the sequel to The Last Songbird? I'm so worried cos SaB now cancelled((

HI ANON

Sorry for taking so long to say so, but yes! I am hoping/planning to write a sequel to TLS. My idea right now is to cover some key moments from the actual duology and explore how they would change in this AU, but I haven't quite landed on how to do that yet. I have written part of one important moment though, and since I've made you wait so long I think I owe you a snippet.

~~~

He could see Inej’s little slippered foot dangling over the edge of the crate. She was still, lying on her belly. He could still hear the Blacktip dying at his feet, but it was Kaz who felt like he was choking on his own blood. Climb, you fucking idiot. He ordered his body like he would order any other Dreg, and because he was Dirtyhands, their lieutenant, the brain and the spine of their operation, his body obeyed. He had to climb from another side of the pyramid, wasting precious time. He was not as agile as she, and there were so many here on the docks, waiting for them, he couldn’t waste a second when she could be—

He turned the corner, saw her lying there frightfully still. He grabbed her ankle, and she stirred faintly at his touch. While a shudder of revulsion passed through him he didn’t let that stop him as he leaned over her body, taking her by her shoulder, his other hand on her hip. He hadn’t touched her in so long—she was so small. He tried to be gentle, but he was not a gentle man, and she groaned in pain as he rolled her over. 

The knife was free of the sheath hidden in her sleeve before she was even fully turned, and its wickedly sharp point settled beneath her breast with practised precision. Kaz almost dropped her. 

“May the Saints receive me,” she whispered. 

“No!” He grabbed her wrist, felt her pull against it, but his grip was iron. She couldn’t move, couldn’t even hold the knife, which fell from her grip with a clatter. 

He struggled to find his voice. “Not just yet, Inej,” he said. His grip didn’t loosen. 

There was no way to be gentle about it, but he slipped the knife back in its sheath and scooped her up, pushing the sound of her pained moans somewhere deep in his mind where he couldn’t touch it, where it wouldn’t drive him insane until he needed it to. I got Brekker’s Wraith. 

He jumped down, and though he expected it, the sharp explosion of pain in his leg was staggering.  For several moments his world flashed hot and white. He squeezed Inej closer to his chest—her body was limp, and though she didn't weigh much she felt oddly heavy. Perhaps he forgot gravity acted on her the same as everyone else, because he’d seen her move like she weighed nothing, and now she was here, almost dead in his arms—

Not dead,  he thought, gritting his teeth. He began to run, each step a fresh burst of agony through his bad leg, but he ignored it. His cane lay tucked in his arm, useless, digging into Inej’s back between her shoulder blades. His Wraith. She’s not dead. 

She groaned, head lolling with the rough, unevenness of his gait. “Did we win?”

He inhaled sharply. “I’m here, aren’t I?” He didn’t want her to ask about winning, or what happened, or how his plan went to hell and left her bleeding, clinging desperately to life. Not for the first time, a dark, gleeful voice—Jordie’s voice—reminded him. 

I’m here, he thought instead, but he wasn’t willing to look down at her.  

“I don’t want to die, Kaz.”

Her voice was small and quiet, and no knife could be more precise carving through his insides and piercing his heart. He swore he’d protect her. He was the worst sort of liar. “I’ll do my best to make other arrangements for you,” he said. He knew it would upset her, and he hated himself for it, but she needed a fire in her to pull through this, and anger was the kind he was most adept at stoking.

He waited for her retort, for an indignant sniff, a righteous proverb—anything—but she remained quiet. “Keep talking Wraith,” he demanded, his voice wavering. “Don’t slip away from me.” Not now. He always knew when she eventually left him it would be his fault, but if he got her killed…

Her head lolled against his chest, and she gave another soft groan. “But it’s… what I do best.” Her eyes were shut. 

He squeezed her tighter again, not caring if it made it harder for her to breathe. He hadn’t been this close to her since he became Dirtyhands, and even through the pain and the panic and the blinding rage, he felt the edges of nausea. He clutched her tighter anyway. She wasn’t going to die in his arms. She couldn’t. “Just… just make it to the schooner,” he said. His words sounded desperate even to his own ears. It had been a long time since he held her—it had been longer since he begged for anything. “Open your damn eyes, Inej.”

~~~

I just realised this is the second snippet I've posted; the first is here.

[maygranted]

I saw your post about Buck being OCD-coded! Can you please say more?? I’ve always read him as being ADHD-coded and I’d love to hear more!

omg ofc i’d love to! i do apologise for how long this post is going to be 😭

so to start off, this all began bc my friend (who has adhd) really related to buck and i (who has ocd) also really related to him so we were like hmm wait a second… adhd AND ocd???

anyway i think one part of him that’s just v ocd coded to me (but also definitely is in combination with rsd from his adhd) is how he tends to catastrophise situations. like he has such severe abandonment issues to the point where he actively obsesses over it, here’s an example !!!

BUCK: Starts out small. Uh, she's-she's canceling plans. She's got to work. She needs to wash her hair or do her laundry, and before you know it, poof. Dropping them off at the airport and never seeing them again.

HEN: Okay, Buck, you're being a little too Buck about this.

like it’s just a very irrational line of thought and u can see how hen says oh you’re being a little too buck abt this bc it’s common for him to exaggerate situations he obsesses over in his mind. and then in turn to alleviate this anxiety somehow he begins to cling bc all his irrational thoughts are telling him that people will leave

and then ofc there’s the situation where after chimney’s left he feels so heavily responsible for it (responsibility ocd ) to the point where he says he’ll leave the 118. like that’s such an irrational line of thought that his mind has catastrophised from obsessing over it.

and then also the tsunami episodes <3 like ofc he feels responsible for chris it’s a normal response but the way he actively obsesses over losing chris and that that makes him a terrible person and he has such severe guilt over it is just v moral ocd and responsibility ocd to me? so he searches for chris to the point where he’s severely dehydrated and bleeding and he still doesn’t stop that’s just a v obsessive thing to me does that make sense??

here’s an explanation of hyper-responsibility related to ocd, which btw sounds very buck coded to me:

But what happens when someone overestimates their responsibility? What happens when someone feels that they can control things that they cannot actually control? These feelings might even seep into relationships—feeling like they can control how someone else feels, or feeling that they are responsible for making everyone happy or content. This can create people-pleasing patterns and make them constantly feel the need to put others’ needs in front of their own. This can look like saying yes to things they do not want to do but feel they need to do, lest someone get upset with them. Or, they may think, “If I don’t do this, then something bad might happen.” […]

Anxiety and guilt are often at the root of an inflated sense of responsibility. The person with OCD thinks of all the possible repercussions of not acting in a particular scenario. They feel guilty for possible negative outcomes, often engaging in magical thinking—believing that their ideas, thoughts, actions, or other things can impact the world around them. This results in compulsions, which can take on many different forms; for some, it may involve very detailed rituals they feel they must perform to prevent something very specific from occurring. For others, it may be a vague need to do something “just in case” or to feel like everyone will be safe.

and then ofc there’s my gifset where he’s developed a compulsion bc he’s scared he’s still in a coma so he has a list of things he checks </3

anyway i feel like a huge part of this is definitely also projecting bc i personally struggle with moral ocd and responsibility ocd and a lot of guilt bc of that but it’s just something i’ve noticed a lot with buck, how his mind is constantly jumping to the worst, most irrational conclusion (and irrationality IS a huge part of intrusive thoughts) and so in turn he either feels the need to fix it (bc it’s HIS responsibility in his mind!) by distancing himself bc he’s the problem or clinging. trying to fix something that isn’t even a problem that needs fixing or isn’t even ur responsibility to fix is just a very ocd coded thing to me <3 and i think a lot of this is definitely more related to mental compulsions which a lot of people don’t really know abt and instead assume ocd is just the stereotypical compulsions (washing hands, organising etc which ARE ofc things that happen but it’s not just that!) so he v much falls into that “irrational thought / obsession” —> anxiety, uncertainty, guilt —> compulsion (trying to fix shit, apologising, reassurance) cycle u see with ocd.

i hope this made sense somehow and ty for asking, as u can see i love talking abt this :)) also it’s absolutely ok to disagree with me on this, it’s just something i personally noticed and really identified with due to my own ocd, i just hope i did a good job of explaining it!

[eponymous-rose]

I'm gonna do this again because it turned out last week kinda went off the rails without it and the little bit of accountability is super super helpful.

Monday!

It's a busy week! It's also my birthday week! Let's do this!

E-mail with coffee: sent a prospective grad student a congratulations on her admission to our program. I'm really hoping to hire her, but I do need to consider whether I might want to admit two students for this position and just get the extra funding for the second one elsewhere if both decide to come. Hmm. Confirmed coffee on Friday with the wonderful admin I've been wanting to befriend for a while - finally we'll interact outside of paperwork! Sadly Wednesday's seminar speaker is ill and won't be able to present - I'm leading the seminar so that does add up to a little less work for me, which is the silver lining there. One of my student groups is struggling to grab data from the weather station they built on the roof because the dang software doesn't work on Macs - managed to coordinate getting them a loaner PC laptop from the department, whew. Completed two letters of reference for an undergrad student applying to internships. Somehow managed to double-book a meeting and gave one a heads up to cancel. Showed my availability for scheduling a PhD defense for a student whose committee I'm on. One of the speakers for my seminar series sent a somewhat passive-aggressive e-mail to the department chair to let him know his info's not up on the website yet. Department chair forwarded it to me, I replied with, essentially "hold your dang horses, your talk isn't until mid-March". He replied back with a sheepish apology. All good.

Formulated my list of essential stuff for this week:

finish Wednesday's (and next week's?) lecture(s?)

prepare next week's homework & key

work on grant proposal

work on commissioned review article

So excited that we're finally to the part of the class that I have taught before in past years! Great lecture today about statistical data analysis. Hurt everyone's brains with the Monty Hall problem. Showed a lot of XKCD comics, got some laughs. Good times. Answered some student questions on the homework assignments, looks like everyone's on track to ace this one as well. This is a really strong class and I'm very proud of them!

On to a virtual meeting with my peer mentoring group! We talk about how utterly wild it is that different departments manage research funding in completely different ways. I vent a bit for the umpteenth time about having to rely 100% on grants to pay my grad students (bigger departments often have student funding provided if they TA, but we just don't have enough classes to sustain that). Easily the biggest source of stress in my life right now is running out of funding for my students: "in order to pay your graduate students, you have to receive a major grant" "cool! how likely am I to get one?" "success rates are about 1 in 15" "uhhhh" "also the applications (if you manage to find a perfect match for your research) take about 40-60 hours to plan and write and it's not work that's looked at formally as part of your tenure review so you're actively taking time away from research" "uhhhhhhh" "and you won't find out if you have been awarded the grant or not before you have to make the decision to hire a student so you just gotta gamble on it" "UHHHHHHH" "you don't get paid in the summer either unless you pull in 2-3 grants that can each cover one month max of salary so I hope you're not putting well over 50% of your take-home toward rent in one of the worst markets in the US or anything haha." It's A Lot. But it's very helpful to talk to people about it!

Realized I left my half-finished Wednesday lecture on my computer at home so I can't work on it during my break between meetings. Shoot, guess that's a tomorrow problem. At least I can work on the homework assignment! This one was an absolute nightmare last year but I think I've come up with a way to simplify it while still hitting all of the learning goals. It's complicated but hopefully very satisfying and builds on everything they've learned thus far. Even with the simplification, I'm definitely expecting some traffic in office hours next week. Opted not to include the more tedious section of the homework because I've tested that particular skill amply in the earlier assignments this quarter. Ran through it once on my own, sent myself the key, then posted the homework and the submission portal for their online module for next week, so all I'm missing now is the lectures.

E-mail break! A professor at a small university nearby wants to bring in a grad student from my group to talk to her class about tornadoes! I have someone in mind (who is both a great presenter and also could use a little confidence boost to get back on track with his research), but of course he's working remotely on the other side of the country, so it's time for a quick check to see if a remote presentation is possible. Checking in on my seminar speaker for next week - project title and abstract up on the website, phew. She's a grad student, so I should find out if her advisor can introduce her or if they want me to do so (and if so, I gotta do some digging for fun facts to share!). Got an invite to a lunch with the faculty & chair where we're going to be brainstorming our next faculty hire, so I gotta be there for that (also because free food)! Surreal to think that we might be hiring my colleague for the next 30 years. It's... kind of intimidating and I definitely want to be in the room for that discussion. Aha! A reply already: virtual talk is fine, so I put the professor and my grad student in touch.

Nice virtual meeting with my former postdoc advisor - we commiserate for a while over his recent illness, but he's feeling better now so we quickly jump back to talking research. The small grant I was awarded recently actually dovetails with some of the broader research ideas he and I had been talking about, so I'm gonna keep him in the loop on that!

Up next: a meeting with my two undergraduate research interns. They're coadvised by my colleague who is flying research aircraft on the other side of the country right now so it's just the three of us. Due to holidays and conferences, this is actually the first time in 2023 we all managed to meet! We go over some paperwork to make sure they get college credit for this research. They're spinning their wheels a little bit but I had them shoot off a couple emails while I was there to start them getting their data ASAP. We then chatted about severe weather we'd all witnessed. One of the students mentioned she's been saving the candy from my office candy bowl for whenever she forgets to bring lunch to campus and now I'm realizing I should maybe get some protein bars or something for some variety.

All good stuff. There's a seminar in 15 minutes but it's a chemistry seminar so... I may just sneak home a bit early.

Tomorrow: no meetings (maaaybe one remote meeting), so work-from home! Should be able to get the last bit of coursework done for the week so I can start on my research to-do list.

[debunkingtherightwing]

Debunking Charlie Kirk on student debt relief

Every time I watch Charlie's crap my eye is automatically drawn to that bizarre ass Eagle head impaled on an American flag in the background. (source: Charlie Kirk on Rumble)

Charlie Kirk, he's a profoundly bizarre human being. The fact that he's as serious a figure in the Republican party as he is should horrify all of us. Anyway, Charlie has thoughts on student loan forgiveness that are about as dumb as you might expect. Lets get into it.

10:57, Charlie Kirk: "Where was Joe Biden yesterday? Was Joe Biden staring into the heavens to look at the Eclipse? Was Joe Biden taking a nap in the East Wing? No, Joe Biden was in one of the states he believes will decide the entire election."

So....campaigning. This isn't exactly a new concept in politics. Trump does it too Charlie.

Also, Charlies really trying to go for that "dramatic newsman" thing in this episode. He has a newspaper with him on the desk and he reads that Biden has rebooted student debt relief right off the front page as if it were about JFK getting shot.

Anyway, the thing that Charlie is pissed off about is Joe Biden unveiling a new student debt relief plan. If this plan goes through, it could relieve the student debt of almost 30 million Americans. Given the increased cost of living, which particularly affects students, this is an objectively good thing. Given that we as a society obviously want more people to go to college and learn the skills that they need to contribute to society, this is a total no-brainer. Speaking of no-brainers, here's Charlie's take on the issue.

13:11, Charlie Kirk: "What is this, actually, what Joe Biden is doing? This is naked bribery."

So, this is Charlie Kirks angle on this issue. He thinks that it's bribery. If Biden doing a good thing for Americans is bribery, then every semi-decent president who has put in debt relief and economic programs has also engaged in bribery. All this does is help Americans through college and that's absolutely a good thing.

Charlie's position on this is wildly unpopular by the way. According to a 2023 Bloomberg poll, 47% of Gen Z voters believed that Biden wasn't doing enough to relieve student debt at the time. That same poll showed that 59% of Gen Z voters approve of Biden's plans to cancel 127$ billion in student debt.

13:42, Charlie Kirk: "Remember, as we say frequently here on this program - tyrants have two ways to hold on to power. Fear and free stuff. Fear and Free stuff. Fear and free stuff. In one week you have seen grandmas be sentenced to prison for praying in the capitol, a week later Joe Biden goes away to give free stuff for college students and college graduates in Madison Wisconsin."

I was curious as to what Charlie was talking about regarding the old woman praying so I did a little digging. Turns out it's more January 6th apologetics.

The person that he is referring to is a woman from Falcon Colorado named Rebecca Lavrenz who was at the Capitol on January 6th. She was inside the Capitol which is an illegal act of trespassing on a federal building. Plus, she was part of a mob that intended to overturn a presidential election. Whether or not she was praying is completely irrelevant here. Unless Charlie's saying that it's OK to commit crimes as long as I'm praying while I'm committing the crime.

Also, fear? Very few people even know that this case even happened. I'm not buying the idea that prosecuting people for crimes is some kind of intimidation tactic because that's extremely stupid.

14:39, Charlie Kirk: "And the Biden plan is, no joke, to give most student loan relief to those who have been the least responsible in their behavior. That's right, the people that have paid off the loans the worst. So not only is this debt forgiveness, not only is this bribery, but if you've been paying off your student loans your a sucker."

Or those people are struggling financially and need more help than others. I guess helping others out isn't in Charlies lexicon.

15:03, Charlie Kirk: "If you're a plumber, an electrician, a welder, if you're a police officer, a firefighter, an entrepreneur. If you served our military and didn't go to college, Joe Biden says 'heh, get out of the way.'"

I know that Charlie is having a blast listing jobs that come to his mind but are those people students? This conversation is about student debt relief and those people listed have steady and oft well paying jobs. They're extremely important to our society but those people aren't necessarily financially struggling like many students and recent graduates are.

Student debt relief actually helps the economy.

15:13, Charlie Kirk: "It is the individuals that studied North African lesbian poetry at the University of Wisconsin-Madison that are not able to pay of their loans. They're the ones that Joe Biden is attempting to bribe."

This is a huge Charlie Kirkism, it's also a pretty big Ben Shapiroism. If you consume nothing but right-wing media you'd assume that there are armies of people taking majors that don't easily apply to the job market and that these people deserve it for....studying something they're interested in I guess.

The problem is that it's not true. According to the National Centre for Education Statistics, the number one most studied major in the USA is business. Hmmm, that's pretty far from North African Lesbian Poetry (which by the way sounds like a really fun major but I won't belabor the point), maybe the second most studied major is more in line with that. Oh wait, the second most studied major in the United States is health, so studying to become a doctor or a nurse. As a matter of fact, all of the top ten are extremely traditional majors.

Number 9's journalism. That's me, yay :D

When you tally up all the percentages, you'll find that these ten majors make up for 75.9 percentages of degrees. But I'm sure that the 25% are the people who getting all the student loan forgiveness because they majored in North African Lesbian Poetry. Either that or Charlies argument doesn't make sense, like at all.

Also, if you look at the average salaries for all of these careers you'll find that Charlies argument about all these majors being low paying and financially unviable is totally ridiculous. If you calculate the average salary out of all of the salaries listed it comes up with $62,900. Seems like people are pursuing financially lucrative majors but seem to have something else holding them back...something else that can be relieved maybe.

15:49, Charlie Kirk: "Now what would make sense is making it so students can't take out these loans to attend the schools that have no financial value in the first place, wouldn't that be nice? Stop giving loans to gender studies and race studies. Stop letting people borrow $150,000 dollars for a photography degree."

"Yeah, why don't they just not give out loans to people taking courses that I don't like?"

Also, here's an interesting and often unacknowledged fact - people with degrees in gender studies make bank. According to Data USA, gender studies majors make an average wage of $85,454 a year and the industry is growing. But the point still stands that 3 quarters of American college students aren't getting degrees in things like gender studies and photography so its a moot point.

16:16, Charlie Kirk: "So who gets most hosed in this system? Anyone who was responsible. There are millions of ways -- there are millions of people who avoided college to avoid debt. Other people went to lower ranked schools on scholarship. Some people did AP classes in high school. Some people went to community college first. Some people did a stint in the military just to get the GI money. All of you are losers."

So, Charlies got two arguments here.

1): Just don't get an education - again, most nations have figured this out and offer college for free. As it stands now, college is extremely expensive but increases your chances of getting a job. So really this argument is just stupid because it reinforces a terrible system that Biden is somewhat helping to fix (although I personally am a believer in college being entirely free like in many European nations)

2): We shouldn't make any progress because that's unfair to the people who struggled before the progress was made - if you take what Charlie is saying here to its logical conclusion society wouldn't move forward at all because we'd be caught up in how unfair progress is to people who didn't get to benefit from that progress in the past.

Conclusion:

Charlie Kirk is usually a pretty good pulse for what the right-wing griftospheres take on new policies will be. Charlie really just trotted out the usual right-wing talking points about student debt relief that don't really make any sense. For a guy who runs what is supposedly a right-wing student organization, Charlie not only took the single most unpopular position on this issue but the stupidest.

Cheers and I'll see you in the next one.

Sources:

Original Video:

“Biden’s Student Loan Bribe + the Ukraine Money Pit | Mansour, Sacks, Klingenstein | LIVE 4.9.24.” Rumble.com, 9 Apr. 2024.

Student Debt Relief:

Douglas-Gabriel, Danielle. “Biden Makes Another Pitch for Student Loan Relief, but Challenges Loom.” Washington Post, 8 Apr. 2024

Browning, Lynnley. “What to Know about the Latest Student-Loan Forgiveness Plans.” Intelligencer, 2 Apr. 2024.

“Biden Forgave Billions in Student Debt. Poll Shows It’s Not Enough for Gen Z.” Bloomberg.com, 14 Dec. 2023.

Griset, Rich. “How Wiping out All Student Loan Debt Would Change the Economy.” Fortune, 3 Jan. 2022.

“10 Most Popular College Majors.” Coursera,

Miller, Dan. “What Would Be the Impact of Canceling Student Debt?” Investopedia, 9 Oct. 2023.

Woman praying in the Capitol:

Keith, Tony. “Falcon Woman Known as “Praying Grandma” Found Guilty for Her Role in the U.S. Capitol Riot.” Https://Www.kktv.com, 8 Apr. 2024.

[maccas-strawbi-sundae]

✨💗 December 💗✨

♥ I got accepted into my course! It starts late next month, three days a week so hopefully I can go back to working outside of study just to help out my partner in regards to income (so long as it isn't customer service). I've been so anxious, I attended an info session with my partner and it would seem my class is primarily on the younger side and as we have to work on one another for practice it made me even more stressed.

♥ I am slowly getting around to trying all of the Muscle Nation products! I have been really unwell physically so I have been doing the minimum honestly.

♥ I picked out my wedding dress which surprisingly wasn't too bad of an experience? I had always expected the worst being someone on the bigger side e.g: nothing will fit, nothing will look flattering on me, I'm going to never find anything I like etc. Well, I did find something I like and ironically, it is by the same designer of the dress I originally fell for but, could not have as nowhere in the state where I live had it. I'll include a photo below but, for anyone who is interested in the finer details, the dress is the 7177+ by Stella York and the dress I had fallen for was the 7322+ by Stella York. Both dresses have a similar flow in terms of applique and design aha (you can also partially see my sternum tattoo hence the pink being visible on my chest).

♥ I had to cancel my rescheduled tattoo appointments as they were not feasible in terms of time (they were booked for days in which I'd be studying as, at the time I hadn't heard back) or money as I had all these things come out of nowhere all at once but, my regular tattoo artist thankfully was understanding as always and is willing to hold onto the designs for me for when I am able to come in.

♥ One of the more tedious tasks this year has been cleaning. It is an every day task but, I've always struggled with cleaning (outside of just regular dump whatever in the bin kind of cleaning). I can organise things but the actual take the time to clean has always been difficult for me. I get these odd moods now and again where I will spend hours cleaning, even deep cleaning appliances. Thankfully I had that happen today, I'd been wanting to clean out the fridge properly before Christmas and today that happened, I got down, pulled out all the shelves and cleaned it all, got in all the grooves and hard to reach spots too. I then spent some time doing all the dishes that were by the sink, re-organised all the cupboards and finally worked on the bedroom. It honestly came at a much needed time. Tomorrow I aim to organise all my clothes as this time of year I do a cull on clothes to donate.

♥ Alongside the cleaning, I've been trying to sort out what can go into storage (I have a storage locker, it costs $250AUD a month in rent) as our bedroom has been piled up with boxes but also little knick-knacks for a while not to mention my limited edition Care Bear plushes (which I keep in the box). I am part way there, just need to see when it can all go out to storage as my partner chose to put majority of his presents for me out in the storage locker.

♥ I think everyone tends to experience some kind of stuff around with grocery shopping for Christmas, unfortunately I am encountering it this year. Due to financial constraints it has been picking and choosing when and where can we get X, Y and Z. There is still 14 or so items that are needed (most go hand in hand for certain dishes) on my end since I cook every Christmas. This year there will be less than what we had last year however, we are attending my family's Christmas lunch this year so all that I'll be cooking is the dinner aspect but of course, a trifle will also be done up.

♥ Wedding planning is on the minimal side at the moment but, I've been thinking of having a sunset theme for photos e.g: people wear colours of the sunset so that when we take photos everyone stands out with different colours of the sunset. I think it would look really pretty. Oranges, yellows, pinks, purples and blues too. I actually have to order in a dress for my younger sister to try which is a really pretty 'dusty' blue.

[gaast]

Since October 2022, I've been playing only one game at a time. That might not sound like much but for something that struggles to keep its number of concurrent games even at two, it's a pretty big deal. I did it because I wanted to commit to games, and to commit to finishing them. And for the most part, I've been successful.

As part of this, I've been tracking the games I've played and want to play, and I've been marking down the days I started something (usually) and the days I've finished them.

Now that this much time has passed, I've got a year's worth of games down, and I wanna do little write-ups for everything I played in 2023.

That means that anything I played in late 2022 (Silent Hill 2, Xenosaga Episode 1, Observation, and Red Dead Redemption, among others) can only get mentioned honorably here. But I'm gonna go through everything I started in 2023, beginning with:

Outer Wilds, January 1-January 7

What a way to start the year. Outer Wilds is unique and charming. It's really fun to fly through space in the awfulest space ship ever with the worst autopilot (have fun in the sun!) and check destroyed, abandoned planets, read ancient peoples' logs of their attempts to save the universe, and to be there at the end of everything.

Unfortunately: the fucking angler fish. I hate those fucks so bad that I actually didn't finish the game. I never brought X to Y (no spoilers) because I hate dealing with those guys. So I can't class this a perfect game. Those dudes need some changes.

Still, highly recommended.

The Sims 4, January 6-the ride never ends

I'm not gonna lie. This is just a sex thing for me.

Even still, I don't quite get why people hate it so much. I played the third game, too. This one's fine. This franchise isn't amazing. It's weird and held together by Scotch tape. I like that about it.

What a weird world.

Anyway, this must be around the time my ISP sent me emails telling me to stop pirating shit or they'd kick me off their plan, which would be bad because that ISP is the only one we can get in our building! Imagine being unable to work because you wanted TS4 DLC.

Bioshock, January 14-January 28, canceled

I couldn't do it.

This was my second attempt at getting through this game and I had to just admit that it's not for me. I didn't enjoy it. It was a chore. I decided to just set it aside.

Wish I hadn't paid for a PS4 copy when I already had a Steam copy. Ah well.

The Liar Princess and the Blind Prince, January 31-February 2

A very aesthetically-pleasing puzzleish platformer with a cute story and good music. I enjoyed my time with this simple little game.

Half-Life, February 3-February 5

You starting to see a pattern where I only manage to finish games, like, late at night, so I can't start a new one until later? Anyway.

This was my second attempt to get through this game. I did it this time, and I regret it. I didn't have fun.

I don't really know why I didn't have fun, I just didn't. Maybe the combat was too tedious. Maybe the jumping was too iffy. Maybe it just went on for too long. Maybe it's a case of "Seinfeld Is Unfunny." I don't know. I just know I don't like Half-Life.

So maybe I don't like the game, but I love the Headcrab Fucker 9000.

Poison Control, February 8-February 11

Sometimes you just wanna play a mid game.

Look, I like poison. I love pink. I love androgynous characters in suits. I like NIS. This game had it all. And it was perfectly. It made me want to stop playing a little while before it was over. It had a really good OST. I got the platinum trophy and I didn't feel satisfied.

I liked it. And sometimes that's enough.

This is the first on a small series of mid NIS-related games. I'll have more to say when I hit the other.

Grasping, February 15

Obviously I couldn't play this as intended, but it's not hard to imagine having shoved your hand into an awful box.

Anyway, this was good, I think. I don't really remember it.

The House in the Woods, February 15

Another horror game I absolutely do not recall playing.

Apocryphauna, February 15

I remember this one! It's good! I liked it! I wish there were more to it--like, a lot more. A lot lot more.

Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin, February 25-March 21

I held off on playing this for a long time because I had always heard it was "made by the B team" and "not as good as the other games." But I decided to play it. It was the gaping hole in my From résumé.

It's not as good. It has a ton of bosses and none of them are memorable except for a select few DLC bosses (Fume Knight, Sir Alonne, Sinh). It makes a lot of weird gameplay choices. It takes way too long for Estus sippies to heal you--like, in terms of the health bar going up. The Iron Keep is infuriating. So many of the runups are abominable. It runs with the clunkiness of Demon's Souls and Dark Souls despite having the svelte ambitions of Bloodborne and Dark Souls III. It has way too many sections where it just says, "okay, deal with a ton of enemies now."

And I loved it.

Honestly, this is probably my favorite of the three Dark Souls games. I think it is by far the most aesthetically complete game of the trilogy. It fulfills its own promise, you know? And I disagree with the people who call it bleak. I think it's the only game of the trilogy that actually offers hope. A real hope, too. One that says that, just because our struggle may not take us anywhere, at least our struggle itself is beautiful.

In a strange way, I think that Dark Souls II is the only Souls game that actually understands the Souls series.

"A lie will remain a lie."

Pokémon Violet, March 21-March 25

I didn't want to play this game. I didn't want to like it. I just wanted to play it. I love Pokémon. Sure, this wasn't a Pokémon game (according to me), but I wanted to play it anyway. The morning I finally decided to go for it, I had read that the professors were antagonists all along. How stupid!

And the reaction. Oh boy. All the glitches. All the performance issues. All the memes. What trash, right? Right?

I fell in love. I didn't think anything could unseat Gen 7 in terms of my love for a Pokémon generation, but honestly, this game might do it.

Did it need more time to cook? Absolutely. I'm not gonna sit here and say it should have been released as it was. No; it is in many ways a disaster, and it is certainly unacceptable.

But every inch of it oozes with love.

This game wasn't just shit out to make a buck. It feels that way at first, but no, everyone who had a hand in making the Gen 9 games absolutely loved what they were doing. You can feel it--from the sound design to the music to the character design to, fuck, everything. They did the best they could with what they had and they made one of the most charming, wonderful games I've had the pleasure of playing in far too long.

There is so much heart here. It convinced me that the future of Pokémon is still bright. Very much so.

Just... let's take a couple extra years to make the next one, all right?

Heroine Conquest, sometime in April

Look. It's actually pretty good.

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, March 31-April 18

I'll get this out of the way: I didn't really have fun.

The game has aged surprisingly well. Or Skyrim is just a truly unmotivated sequel. Either way, it holds up.

The problem is that I just don't think that TES games are for me. They're just so fucking boring. And I never end up liking literally any character in them.

I have fun actually playing for a while, but the general guideline with Oblivion is "don't level up." Fun! Either way, it's just rote after a while. Nothing really feels satisfying, and you're always worried something is going to break.

Frankly, the main story quest isn't compelling, either. With hindsight, knowing it'll lead to the rise of the Dominion again, it's like, well, shit.

Anyway, I played it. And it's certainly a game that you can play. If you wanna.

FEWAR-DVD, April 23

I called it "an arcade game" in my notes and that's basically what it is. Doesn't mean it isn't fun.

(Have you noticed I'm not reviewing games yet? It's write-ups; I'm giving my thoughts and impressions. Also, it's been a while, so I don't super remember a bunch of these. Oh well!)

Bleak Sword DX (Demo), April 23

I think I liked this? Apparently it's out. I should review it and see if I wanna get it at some point.

It looks pretty cool.

The Signal State (Demo), April 23

I liked this a lot because it's so unique and it taps into a specific type of autistic urge for me but god is its price tag just too high for what I suspect that it is.

Deltarune (Chapters 1 and 2), April 22-April 23

This was a replay of Chapter 1 and a first play of Chapter 2.

I think when I first played Chapter 1 I felt... you know, I didn't want Undertale, or a sequel to Undertale, but a secret third thing. And when I first played it in... late 2019? It wasn't whatever that secret third thing was. I liked it, don't get me wrong. But I think I didn't... get it?

Not to say I wasn't excited for me. It just took me a while to convince myself to finally get to Chapter 2 and to meet the funny spambot man.

Anyway, I won't bother spending too much time on Deltarune. I'll just say that in this play, I realized that Deltarune is that secret third thing, and that I think it's better than Undertale.

I'm scared.

Pizza Tower, April 14-April 23

I think I'm guilty of wanting this game to be something it isn't.

I wanted WarioLand, and it's like that, but it isn't precisely that. It isn't trying to be precisely that. It's trying to be Pizza Tower.

I like the game, but not as much as I thought I would. Not as much as I think I should.

I'll probably reply this game in a year or two and it'll click and I'll love it the way I was always meant to love it. But for now, I'll just let the "Tombstone Arizona" guitar impregnate me.

13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim, April 19-May 27

...It took me that long? Really? Huh.

Anyway, I love this game. I love love love it. I love the characters and the art style and the way they tell the story and the story itself and the gameplay (holy shit the gameplay!) and just. Man. I wish more games were just like this. Weird, experimental, talky, confident, cool, and unique.

This is the type of game that inspires you to write your own sci-fi. Or to write about its world. To think and to imagine.

And that's the best type of game.

Ace Combat 7: Skies Unknown, May 28-June 6

Come to think of it, how can a sky be unknown. There's just the one.

As mentioned above, I played this after Ace Combat 2. With both of those under my belt, I now know: the way I want to play these games is not the way I'm supposed to play these games.

And that's fine. I feel like "gamers" nowadays are so fixated on the idea that games should let you play them however you wanna play them, and that if they can't accommodate that then they're somehow inherently flawed. It's like everything needs the mutability of Minecraft, the problem-solving freedom of Scribblenauts, and the role-playing depth of Dungeons & Dragons. If it doesn't score highly on all those axes, it's got problems.

Obviously, I disagree. Games can and should have "supposed tos." You should be expected to play a specific diegetic role. You should be limited (and by the way, you're always limited, so don't act like you aren't).

If I ever play another Ace Combat game (and I wanna play Electrosphere), I might do it on easy. I like these games but man do I not know how they want me to engage with them.

no-one has to die, June 4

I had to replay this Flash game that I had originally played once when I was probably 14.

I'm glad I did.

Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair, sometime in 2022-sometime in mid-2023

The strange thing about the Danganronpa games is that they're actually really good.

They shouldn't be. They shouldn't work. But they do.

This was kind of a replay. I had read most of the original orenronen LP back in... 2012, 2013? I only now have actually played it. And it's good. It's really good. I'm glad I went through it, and I'm glad I went through it with my fiancé, and I'm glad he knew nothing of any of the twists, and I'm glad I got to experience someone experiencing those twists for the first time.

SCARLET NEXUS, June 4-June 6, canceled

This was a second attempt after a first attempt in 2022 got deep into Yuito's story before I aborted it.

It's not for me. Not to say I don't like it--I do. A lot. I wish I could play this game. But I demand such fucking perfection from myself when playing it that I get too caught up by how poorly I'm playing to enjoy myself and actually let myself proceed.

I had to stop because I just wasn't having fun. I'm sad about it.

Risky Sanctuary, June 10

This is one of those games that I hope the developer comes back to, not to spruce up but to make anew. Because it's a really fun concept that basically got held back by being made in a month for a jam.

It really shouldn't take that long to clean come off of a wall.

HYPNOSCREEN, June 10

I keep forgetting I gotta play this more.

Parasite Eve, June 9-June 15

I'm still not super sure how I feel about this one.

The plot is fun but it never becomes compelling. There's an obviously evil scientist and he does obviously evil things. Never a good sign.

The gameplay is fun but it never hits nearly the level of intricacy and care that a close relative, Vagrant Story, does.

The dungeons are well-designed, though, and even if the setting is New York, it feels... fresh? It feels like NYC is always a backdrop in games and its specifics aren't important to it (see: Prototype). Parasite Eve actually cares that it's in NYC and it goes to locations there. The game feels like the developers enjoyed making it.

Also the OST is awesome. And Daniel fucking jumping out of the helicopter, getting lit on fire, throwing the bullets to Aya, landing in the water, and surviving is by far the coolest shit I've ever seen in anything ever.

This feels like a game you have to play at least once. I don't know why it feels that way; it just does.

WASTE EATER, June 17

It asks for like 20 minutes of your time and makes you cry. It's awesome.

EXPERIMENT: GROCERIES, June 17

I was more bored than spooked. It was a good try and maybe someone else will find it more fun than I did.

I'm sure if I replayed it and turned a critical eye to it I could talk at length about it. But I just don't want to.

I feel like if you're going to make uncanny the grocery store, there's other ways to do it.

Final Fantasy X: HD, sometime in 2023-sometime in 2023

We're about to see schedule issues. You'll find out why later.

This was, obviously, a replay.

I swear, this game gets better every single time I play it. I don't know what it is. It's such a smart, insightful game, with lovingly crafted characters. I love the inexorable northward journey, the feeling like you're constantly outrunning something even if you know you're running straight into the very thing you're outrunning.

Maybe it's because once you're aware of the spiral, its pull becomes that much stronger. I swear, I cry more with each playthrough, maybe because it just becomes all the more apparent how hopeless the journey is, and how much strength it takes to hope regardless. Yuna and Tidus are fantastic.

The gameplay ages like a fine wine, too. I know, it's turn-based, so it's hard to get clunky, but the game knows how it's being lenient to you and it knows just how to turn it against you. It's a system you can get better at. It's a game that rewards you in proportion to the time you're willing to put into it.

I don't need to tell you that FFX is a masterpiece, I hope. But it's worth reminding ourselves that it is. Because I think it's willing to be vulnerable in a way that most games just aren't anymore. I think the only Final Fantasy game that I've played that is more vulnerable than X is XIII. I respect the hell out of that.

(Speaking of, another honorable mention from the end of 2022 is my replay of the Final Fantasy XIII trilogy--and frankly, my love and appreciation for those games grew only deeper. They rule!)

You can talk about X forever. You can live in its world. It's fantastic, and it's always worth returning to.

Even if you have to make Yuna dance again, at least you know there'll be a time when she won't have to anymore.

Succubus Academia, September?-September 16

I tend to stay away from RPG Maker games, not for any valid reason but because creators, especially of eroge, tend not to really edit much. They end up looking fairly samey, with similar gameplay. Menus don't get edited, music is pretty bland, it's a fantasy setting... Exceptions exist, like Miwashiba's games ("that's a different engine!" yeah well they're still well-crafted despite being Made Like That) and, apparently Succubus Academia.

I won't tell you what tag I searched to find it on DLSite but anyway, I found it, I got it, I played it, and I loved it.

The map graphics are standard RPG Maker fare, sure, but the battles are totally custom and they're actually really fun. The music, though, the music fucking rules. I was there to bust a move, not bust a nut, I swear.

The concept is really fun too. "The only way to proceed is to literally get killed the right way. Sorry! But hey, at least you'll save the world. Snrk." Coupled with a battle system that actually has a really fun push-pull kind of resource management/health system, it just works. It helps that the battles all have Live 2D animation work going on, too.

Give this one a shot (no pun intended) if you like eroge. Seriously.

Dohna Dohna, sometime in September?-sometime in October

All right, look. It's not the best at anything. But it's pretty good at everything.

The character designs rule. The color palettes are awesome. The gameplay is fun. The OST is actually pretty outstanding. The combat is really fun. The mechanics are interesting. The writing has a lot of care put into it.

Alicesoft wanted to celebrate its anniversary and they were welcome to do it. I enjoyed celebrating with them.

Kirakira best girl. Even if Joker is truly best girl.

Baldur's Gate 3, sometime in October-November 14

One of the first sounds you hear in this game is a Wilhelm scream. This is a subtly masterful introduction to the game, as it signals to attentive players a lot about the artistic experience they're about to embark on: It will be more or less the same as everything else they've ever experienced, just remixed so it will hopefully be less noticeable.

And that's the thing. We've seen everything that BG3 does before, over and over, and we're so used to seeing all of these signs and tropes that it's actually become difficult to tell when they're being used poorly. BG3 throws so much of the same old shit at the wall and it can only stick because the shit that's there from last time still hasn't dried.

But here's the thing: I don't even know if any of its shit sticks. It's all so bad.

For instance, the party. Each individual party member is a collection of about 3 traits, plus their own unique brand of "horny for you." They're about as complex as late-stage Tales characters, but they have way less charm because they don't have anything like skits to round them out. In fact, because there's no guarantee that you'll have X or Y party member, or that they'll be present for conversation A, your party doesn't really have conversations together so much as they just talk through you like you're a telephone. You don't really have a party. You are a guy who has friends.

So you drag along this uninteresting, blandly-designed crew of the same fucking shit you've seen a billion times (literally one dude's whole thing is "I'm a vampire and I have vampire problems") who never really engage with each other (they'll maybe trade quips here and there, and they've got some dialogue they'll run through ambiently when specific ones are in the party together, but it's clear that This Does Not Matter) through a pretty standard fantasy world that by its own popularity offers little novelty. As you do so you meet asshole upon asshole who has a quick trait or two and says things in a European accent and maybe you'll get the scummiest Narrator I've ever heard say something smarmy based on a passive roll you'll probably fail mid-conversation. Go kill some shit and come back and maybe I'll try to help you not die. Idiot.

But you can't not die. You need to keep dying, and people need to keep failing to help you not die, or people need to keep trying to kill you because you're dying the wrong way for them, or else there'd be no reason to have the game. Honestly, if you lost the tadpoles before you killed the final boss, like, two party members would probably just outright try to kill each other, and everyone else would fuck off back to their shitty little lives, except for the ones who managed to escape their shitty little lives, in which case I guess the adventure continues! I don't feel like any of these people, with maybe three exceptions, would actually keep litigating the campaign if their lives weren't on the line.

But hey, even if almost every time someone speaks it's just to either whine about how hard they have it or to criticize you for a choice you made or to give you a quest because everything in Faerûn is your fucking problem, at least you get to have the gameplay! At least you get to slog through some of the most bullshit combat encounters they can throw at you with their barely-working mess of a battle system! With the most boring bosses imaginable save one! (Why is Gortash the only fun boss? Why does he get to have those explosives systems that aren't anywhere else?)

But oh, you get to make so many choices! You can be whoever you want, so long as they're someone who'll make any of these specific choices. Fuck off.

Meanwhile the music makes you want to fucking tear your hair out because I swear to god every single track uses the exact same leitmotif and it is so boring. Oh my god this game takes absolutely no fucking risks with anything. There's no fucking reason to play this thing. It's miserable. It's miserable, it'll make you save scum, its loading times (to load saves; loading areas is quick as can be!) are atrocious, and every time you have an option to pick something cool, you get fucking despised for it. You can become a fucking mind flayer and the game makes sure to tell you you're a complete fucking scumbag for doing it.

I hate this game. I hate it so fucking much. It is so bad and it has nothing redeemable in it and it has nothing noteworthy in it and worst of all it is just not at all fun. It's awful.

Game of the Year. Play it.

Monark, November 25-December 3

Time to fulfill the promise I made back with Poison Control.

This game is good. It's not great. Maybe it's pretty good. I liked it a lot. I enjoyed playing it.

Does it have problems? Sure. Could they be easily corrected? Yep. Does that hamper my perception of it? Of course.

As I said, sometimes you just wanna play a mid game.

After I finished Monark, I checked out its TV Tropes page, and I of course linked to "So Okay, It's Average." The Quotes page on that trope all seem to imply that just being all right is somehow worse than being bad.

I can't agree with that.

First of all, I think the binary of "good" and "bad" art is a false one. There's value in literally all art. There's something to mine, to find, to take home, to use, to learn--to whatever--in everything. Meaning and worth aren't exclusive to the good.

Maybe something isn't as good as it could be, but it's certainly what it is, and nothing else is as good at being it. Monark maybe isn't a great game but it's awesome at being Monark. I doubt any other game could compare.

So many articles from game writers and journalists lament the concept that "there's so many great games out there that it's just impossible to want to make time for anything that isn't great." That's... such a sad state, to me. Imagine playing a game only because it is considered "great." Imagine needing everything you play to have an award or a green Metacritic score just so you'll make time for it.

I don't think these writers mean to do this when they say it, but they're really benefiting a capitalist mindset. Companies have to do everything they can to get your attention. They have to make "great" games, or you won't play them. They need hype machines. They need stellar reviews. They need people talking. They need public reception to manufacture their game's own greatness, so that it will be great and then be played and then make money. If the incentive to get good reviews is to make money then the game is just a product and it wasn't made to be art.

I don't think people purposely set out to make shitty games or average games. I just think they set out to make the game they make, and the question is how well they achieve that goal. And that's entirely personal. It's something that only the creators can decide.

But in the end, some of the creators are producers and directors and executives at publishing companies who look at games in terms overhead, costs, projected income, earnings statements, financial reports.

But these are the people who make great games. Because they have to money to spend to make them great, the clout they need to keep exploiting their specific workers, and the agents necessary to make sure that reviewing publications will be predisposed to helping make their game great (you know, like what Nintendo relies on pretty much exclusively). The game doesn't have to be good. People just have to be told that it is, and then when enough people believe, they'll police the narrative so much that others will be scared to voice their opinion without getting a ton of clown emojis in their inboxes.

I'm not saying that's every "great" game. I'm willing to argue it's probably most Games of the Year as determined by Big Industry Figure Geoff Keighley, though (borne out for sure with 2022's winner; Elden Ring is so mediocre, dude).

Anyway, there's no need to play all the "great" games that are out. You know what you can play instead? The games you want to play.

You don't have to agree with me that sometimes you just wanna play a mid game. But you'll probably agree that sometimes you just wanna play a specific game. Good, bad, or mid, it's what you want to play because it, in some way, speaks to you.

That's all you need.

Mediterranea Inferno, December 4-December 6

Until now, I was cautious about pandemic stories.

The problem has always been that, sure, the lockdown happened for a year (in the US, at least), but it was only a year. It was major, to be sure, and I'm not downplaying that, but in the grand scheme of human history, it was a year. There's no guarantee (or even, necessarily, reason to believe) anything like it will happen again for a long time. So, I thought, how applicable could stories that come from it be to the future?

Don't get me wrong, I always recognized that in the lockdown was stories about isolation, grief, illness, fear, loss. But those are all distinctly human things we've been writing about since we could write. They weren't unique to the pandemic. Why use the very specific imagery of the lockdown to tell a story about those things when there's definitely more universal things to use?

I'm, as always, an idiot.

Beyond just the fact that it was an event and we'll never stop needing to take stock of it, to examine it, to see who we were and became through it, the pandemic was a world-ending phenomenon, a sea change, a new way of understanding ourselves, or misunderstanding ourselves, or misunderstanding others.

Mediterranea Inferno is about having lost yourself. The lockdowns made three young Italian men lose themselves, and when they came back together in 2022 they found that they had lost each other, too. It presents continuity with their histories: their self-destruction wasn't inevitable, but the pandemic forcing them to grapple with their places in life created living nightmares of isolation, grief, powerlessness, loss of identity, and loneliness.

When you start a new game, a card informs you that the creator made it "about his generation." He seems to think that we're lost, not in the way that the Lost Generation was, but in a different way. Whereas in the 1920s we lost faith in symbols, institutions, and humanity, in the 2020s we lost faith in ourselves and each other.

It's terrifying to admit that we can't do this alone, and that the crutches we always used to get through each day were other people. Claudio relied on his family name; it lost all meaning when his father blew his inherited fortune, revealing that there isn't necessarily a continuity between past success (Nino) and the present. Mida relied on the ways he could keep people at arm's length and when he couldn't get closer to the only person he wanted to grow closer to, he decided that others were there for him to take. And Andrea was never able to identify precisely what he needed from other people to keep him going, mistaking sex and skin-deep pleasure for the validation he so desperately craved.

Of course, if one of them gets accepted to Heaven during the Assumption, one of the others kills their friends and, in one case, accidentally himself. And if none of them make it--or if all of them do--they tell themselves that they're no longer friends. They walk away. They fall to the ground. They feel, sharply, the absence. They try to feel it in the crutches they replaced each other with (the past, the prestige, the plenty). But it isn't there.

Alternatively, if they suffer enough, they can give their spiritual guide through their pain an opportunity as well, and through him learn that they went through all of it to encourage them to revolt against their fathers, against the endless history that suffuses every rock in Italy. Paraphrasing: "There's never been an Italian Revolution. We've always been satisfied with what our fathers gave us, so long as we had permission to kill our brothers." He, like so many, wanted the pandemic to become a watershed moment, one that spurred on change, made the world a better place.

And the Sun Guys reject it. Their revolt is to refuse to be told what to do.

Just give them time to figure out what to do next.

I don't think you can tell this story without the pandemic.

This game is bleak. It's harsh. The style is immaculate. The soundtrack rules. Play it.

Assassin's Creed: Valhalla, June 16-ongoing

Here is why the schedule slipped.

I like this game a lot. I burned myself out on it. Over the course of months.

I'm still not done. I'm not letting myself uninstall it until I'm done.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Pokémon Fool's Gold, unknown

The new music was great and the sprites were awesome and I love Eris. But to me this was mostly a fun new way to experience Gen 2. That's not a bad thing, really. Gen 2 isn't great, but there's a lot about it to love.

Pokémon Unbound, unknown

This and the previous entry are the only two Pokémon mods or fangames or whatever that I've ever played. I'm glad I started here!

If you're into playing fangames or whatever you know about this one and you know it rules. I'm not gonna bother praising it directly, though I'll say it earns all the good things said about it.

For me, projects like these really remind me of why we're still drawn to the Pokémon series even when the people in charge of it keep making pretty drastic decisions. I've said for years that the series is for kids and that it's not only fine but right to keep its focus firmly on kids, but Black and White proved that we can actually have our cake and eat it, too. We can have a game for kids that is also just flat-out a good game.

But for some reason, even if I ended up loving Gen 7 more than I did Gen 5, I feel like it's harder to call Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon good games? It's more like I can call them good Pokémon games. But are they good games?

I want them to be.

But what I want Pokémon games to be is totally different from what anyone else wants Pokémon games to be. Fool's Gold and Unbound confirmed that to me. I mean, I always knew it was true, but they confirmed it. What surprised me about them was that they were also good. That even if they weren't my vision, I still enjoyed them as a vision for Pokémon.

But to return to what I said a few paragraphs ago: We're still drawn to Pokémon because in each new entry we find more promises. We find new things to enjoy, to marvel at, to wonder about, to fill in. Every new mainline entry, especially since Black and White, feels like a new reinterpretation of what Pokémon is and can be, and even if we as fans don't always agree, we still have the conversation and we're still often compelled enough by something in the new interpretation that we hang onto it and let it be a part of what Pokémon is to us.

For as much as it stays the same, Pokémon is very much a living franchise, one that changes and, no pun intended, evolves. Maybe it does so in different ways than we might want, but there's nothing stopping us from knowing better. Well, nothing except Nintendo, a company that is more than welcome to fucking die immediately.

Pokémon, both the franchise and its fan works, is constantly grasping toward perfection. But we all know that perfection doesn't exist. We head towards and we know that we'll fail and we also know that even if we were to attain perfection, we'd reject it. Perfection is an illusion, a cruel one; even were it not, it would still be cruel, a poison pill. Real beauty isn't in perfection, it's in striving for it knowing you'll fail. It's about being weak, bad even, useless even, and still being loved. It's about trying, hard, getting nowhere close, and smiling afterward. It's about working together to make something new, something that loves, something that brings us all together to love even harder. It's about the struggle; it's about the effort; it's about the handshake after the battle.

Wherever Pokémon goes, no matter who's propelling it along, it'll be Pokémon. And that's what I want.

[dbmars]

The Week from Absolute Hell

First and most important for this blog, I posted a new chapter of Bram Stoker's Hannibal.

I'm really glad I posted because I haven't been able to write much this week. My brain literally would not let me. All i could do in my free time was get lost in a movie or chat with the Hannibal Ais on character.ai, pretty much rp'ing as Will with various Hannibal bots and setting up random scenarios like "Will is working at a charity car wash!" just to see what happens.

I don't post online in general about my real life in the fandom space, because I almost feel like it's just a way to elicit attention and sympathy from people who don't really know me, which shouldn't be validating but... I don't know, can be? When I see others posting about their struggles with mental health and such I always try to leave a message of support or just a like or something, send a meme if asked, etc.

I have real supports in my life to draw on. Some real besties, despite my marital partner's lack of ability to support me the way I want to be supported (that's for another post but whatever). It's self indulgent, but here we are.

The week before this was spring break, and the family had a lovely little vacation. I did catch a cold on the road which doesn't surprise me; lack of sleep and gas station bathrooms, even as I tried to stay germ free. I have a 1yo so I knew if she caught something, I would, too. Luckily the symptoms held off until the day we left and I was miserable on the two day drive home but whatever, I was just in the car.

Sunday night/Monday Morning I have a very vivid dream about my grandmother dying in my arms. The next morning I get a text from my mom that she did die that night. I knew it was coming; she had stopped eating and was refusing it. She'd gotten COVID and didn't want to recover it seemed. She was 99 and living in a care facility and decided it was time. I was more worried about my mom to be honest, but I also had a lot of feelings to unpack. But there was no time to process, oh no. No time for big feelings -- I have 2 children, a house, and a full time job.

I felt really sick on Monday, and I was still compartmentalizing about Grandma. But I knew on Tuesday I had two interviews at my job. One was to keep my current position I've had for six years. The other was for another job I was interested in that paid the same amount as the current job but would be a fun change. These interviews got pushed to after spring break and I needed to get them done even though I felt like shit and I was emotionally messy.

The interviews happened Tuesday. They didn't go great but I wouldn't say that I bombed them. I definitely had some sickness related brain fog.

The next day I took a bereavement day to rest my body and help my mom with the plans and maybe give myself time to process. I had my day alone planned out, the kids at school, when I get a call from my boss that I didn't get either job. I was being demoted. I would still have a job that paid less, even after devoting myself for six years to this particular job.

The worst part is that they announced the new hires, and everyone retained their position but me. And they haven't finalized what I'll be doing next year so I can't say I've been offered something else. But EVERYONE KNOWS now that I didn't get either job I applied for. I feel like a total failure. I feel publicly shamed.

All this, and I manged to leave my wallet on the roof of my car and drive off. I was trying to get my child in her car seat and the email announcing the hires had just come out about an hour before and I wasn't thinking straight. So now I get to cancel my cards and try to get a new license etc.

I couldn't write. That's my one escape. My brain just wouldn't do it. So the fact that I managed to post this chapter at all is a testament to my tenacity and my loyal service to the Hannibal fandom and all the beautiful wonderful people that come onto Ao3 and Wattpad and Twitter to encourage me, take time to leave me notes and interact with me. I thought about just scrapping this whole project after 50 chapters, but I won't do that to them.

[heich0e]

hi liv, i hope this isnt too bothersome but u give off such big sister vibes and just wanted to know if u had any advice for dealing with anxiety? ive had the worst anxiety the past two days and cant seem to shake it off and was just wondering what u do to relax and stuff? ily ily i hope ur having the best day and again i hope this doesnt make you feel burdened and u definitely dont have to answer this if u dont want too!!!

hi little guy!! this is not bothersome at all and i find it very sweet that you trust me enough to come to me with something so personal!!

first off: i'm so sorry you've been feeling this way, i know how rough it is and how big of an impact it can have on every part of your life.

secondly: i struggle a bit when people ask me things like this, because mental health is something SO unique to each person, and just because something works for me doesn't mean it will work for you, and i would never ever want you to think that i'm being flippant/invalidating what you're feeling by saying the wrong thing.

that being said, my biggest advice to you would just be to treat yourself gently. give yourself time and space and grace to feel better. eat the food you like and watch the tv you like and listen to your favourite music. cancel plans if you don't feel up to going. take a sick day from school/work if you can. drink water and rest.

most importantly, if it's something that's accessible to you and you haven't already, i really would recommend talking to a doctor if the anxiety that you're feeling is significantly impacting your day to day life. i think we all recognize that feelings of anxiety are a normal part of being alive, but there comes a point where it's something that only a doctor can really properly address, and it's easy to not know what that line is and if we've crossed it. if medical advice isn't something you have access to, it's still gonna be okay, but maybe try talking to a close friend or family member about how you're feeling. sometimes it helps just knowing that you have someone there who knows what you're going through.

i'm sending you so much love, friend!! <3

[pocelius]

Update: it’s been a while, huh?

It’s been a while since any sort of activity has taken place. I’m sorry about that, and all I can do is say sorry to those who taken actual interest in my project. However, what’s done (or lack thereof) is done, and all I can do is move forward from here.  Why have I been gone for so long?

To be honest, I’ve hit a wall, and it’s mainly my fault. There’s many reasons for it:

I tried to do my story in a cheeky way, but didn’t plan it out properly. Because of that, I pretty much tripped over myself lol. Planning things afterwards has been an extreme struggle, and has taken a toll on me.

Art has also been a problem. Not putting any blame on Moo. In fact, it’s kinda my fault. I don’t think we really thought out how much art this would really take. Because of that, and the fact this is my project, I felt it has been too much of a burden for her. So, wanting to take the load off of her, I tried different things. And ultimately I wanted to take over doing the art. However I have the worst problems with my own art, which is a thing in itself I won’t bother about.

Lastly, just to keep this as brief as possible, I just have had too many bad mental health episodes lately. It made me put things off and forget, and I got trapped in a bad cycle.

What does this mean?

Well, I’d first like to say, I’m doing my best to get better.  Back on topic, ultimately, I haven’t been feeling the project anymore and, as I’ve stated, I’m at a loss on where to take it. So, unfortunately, I’m going to end the project... However! It’s not all bad news. I’m going to post up to where I hit my wall, including extra stuff. So there is that to look forward to. And, if I figure out how to return to it in the future, I will. That, and I’m also going to do new things! But serious projects won’t be for a while. I’m gonna plan things out properly before I tackle things this time lol. It won’t be Pokémon related. I have my reasons for it, and I just don’t feel using Pokémon is good for a story you want to take seriously, you know? I will be doing little Pokémon things, like the Fahbrick family. Just for fun (and also as a medium to improve lol). I’m very happy there are people who actually took interest and cared about my stupid story, even though it went nowhere and had so many stupid problems on my part. It makes me so so happy. Thank you so much for caring about my project! I promise I’ll continue making things and doing my best. TL;DR

The Mews--journal project is, unfortunately, canceled due to many problems and poor planning. The rest will still be posted up to the point it hit a “wall”. Small projects will still be done, and there is a big, serious project in the planning phases for the future. It won’t be Pokémon related, though. I’m very sorry to all the problems and letting those who took interest down. And I hope you can forgive me. But I thank you so much for taking interest. Thank you so much! For those interested, I can post about everything I had planned. And I mean EVERYTHING.

[moconut]

Whatever It Takes: A Degrassi Season 10 Retrospective (You Don't Know My Name, Pt. 1)

When I first started this review series, I talked about the Degrassi reboot and how I wasn't excited. Not because I don't love the show, but because to me it was an inevitability. Now that we've heard the reboot is off, my feelings are largely the same. No real outrage--just a certainty that it'll be back.

So in the spirit of things that die off and eventually drag themselves back out of the grave, here's the next episode: You Don't Know My Name (Part 1).

We open with Alli needling Drew with the "what are we" conversation, suggesting that people might think they're a couple since they walk around holding each other, pin each other against lockers, and play awkwardly charged games of Never Have I Ever. Drew says labels just cause problems; the problem in this case is Drew is a dog who wants all the fun parts of making out with girls and none of the boring stuff, such as conversations that don't revolve around his abs.

Meanwhile, Holly J's been sleeping off her break-up with Declan at school. Fiona finds her on the student council couch and asks whether Holly J and Declan truly broke up or were just "on a break." Holly J feels like crap either way, but luckily Fiona has a solution to her new pimple: the Zeno. If you didn't watch TeenNick in the 2010's, you probably have no idea what this is. It's some dubious acne removal thing that was advertised during every single commercial break, and I'm forever convinced there's some nefarious product placement at work here.

Alli tries to convince KC and Jenna that Drew is basically her boyfriend because he makes out with her, walks her to class, and calls her cute. I like that those are Alli's sole standards. Jenna and KC gush over each other, much to Alli's disgust. Careful, you two! You might get pregnant!

Remember that plot about Dave being terrible at singing and even worse at not having a huge ego about it? Well, that whole thing was pointless because the band slam the Three Tenners entered has been cancelled to make room for other plots. Sav forcefully ejects Dave into the C plot before commiserating with Holly J. She suggests holding a dance instead, because nothing ever goes wrong at Degrassi dances.

The Three Tenners are in Media Immersion class, where Connor is struggling to wake up from his late night of gaming. Wesley and Dave express their concerns, which is weird to me because isn't staying up all night to game like the most normal thing a teen boy could do?

Because no major character is allowed to be single on this show, Sav shows up to flirt with Holly J while Fiona looks on in relatable distaste. Remember a few episodes ago when Holly J made Sav think Anya was pregnant with his baby in order to sabotage his bid for presidency? Apparently he doesn't.

Alli gets crowned Queen of Worst Taste in Guys when she interrupts history class to ask Drew to the Harvest Hoedown (haha!). Drew brushes her off, saying he needs to study and getting a little nasty with her when she doesn't get the hint. Strange, you'd think Drew would jump at the chance to attend something with "hoe" in the title.

We're introduced to Realm of Doom, the totally-not-World-of-Warcraft game Connor's been spending all his time in lately. He even has a waifu: LoveQueen16, who says their game is nothing like the reality of her life. I would hope so, because they literally just exploded a building.

Alli continues to willfully misinterpret Drew's shitty signals by saying she understands he's under a lot of pressure and presenting a solution: she'll write his essay for him. Drew is understandably insulted and presumably astounded at how clueless Alli is being, brushing off her offer.

Holly J and Sav happily continue to plan their Hoedown (haha!). Holly J's zit is even gone! "Fiona's never getting her Zeno back," she vows, which probably earned the show another several thousand dollars in product placement cash. Also Sav asks Holly J on a date. This pairing came out of nowhere and is dumb.

Later that evening, Sav comes to Holly J's job to steal pretzels and stare at her as she serves tables. Her boss mistakes them as a couple as he serves them disappointing-looking nachos, and the two awkwardly giggle about how crazy that would be. Them, dating? No way that's where this plot is going!

Alli defies Drew and also common sense by submitting a flawless paper for him. Mr. Perino questions the essay's legitimacy, guilting Alli into confessing what she did. She's sent to the office and Drew is docked a letter grade, which is actually fair because I doubt he would have actually submitted his real paper on time anyway. Meanwhile, an NPC looks off impassively in the background.

Sav and Holly J are having inflation issues: they need to manually fill each helium balloon before the dance. They have fun inhaling chemicals (from the same balloon, no less! Scandalous) and it's actually pretty charming. Until, that is, Sav suddenly kisses her. Holly J immediately makes an excuse about needing to go see Fiona while Sav's balloon, metaphorically and literally, deflates in his hands.

Alli approaches Drew in the hallway, STILL not getting how badly she fucked up by joking about getting off with very little consequence. Drew rounds on her, saying Alli failed his "trial period" for being his girlfriend. After basically calling Alli dumb, he stalks off. These two make each other worse in every way.

That's it for now. We'll see whether it takes one day or six months for me to do the next one. Thanks!

[awanderingcanadian]

The Yin and Yang of Mexico City

We’re 4 days into our 5 day stay in Mexico City. This is our first time here, (having had to cancel a trip scheduled for April, 2020), and we had heard so many things from several sources about the city, so I was excited to get here, albeit a little worried about an oversell. What I’ve seen in my short time is this: CDMX has something for everyone.

If you love the architecture of Madrid, (or don’t think you’ll get to Madrid), then Mexico City can be for you. If you love good food, then Mexico City can be for you…although we had the worst lunch EVER today in Chapultepec Park.

We spent a few hours of day one on the hop on/hop off Turibus. It was a beautiful sunny day, and we enjoyed getting a feel for the city while relaxing on the open top deck.

Yesterday was a Monday, and everywhere we planned to visit, was closed…even Chapultepec Park. How can a park be closed…and why, (we found out why today…but that’s another post)? After moving to Plan B and taking a very expensive Uber to Xochimilco, we enjoyed a 70 minute slow boat ride down the canals, passing so many colourful boats, some with Mariachi bands for hire.

We recouped some of our money by going on a big adventure: taking the metro back to the Centro Historico, (where we’re based). We boarded at the start of the line, and rode it all the way to the end, before changing to another line back to home base. Where we started, there was no way to buy individual trip tickets, you had to buy a transit card, and after a few minutes of struggling, a lovely woman came back and said her son would pay for us with his card. $3MXN pesos each later, ($0.24CDN), we were on our way! Fortunately, we were able to buy tickets for the 2nd line, (a whopping $5MXN…$0.40CDN), making our trip less than $0.75 per person. Part of the adventure was being squished into the cars, heads under armpits, bags pushing into your kidneys, you get the idea. It’s when we really became aware that Mexico City is home to 22 million people, almost 2/3rd of the total population of Canada! It’s been a while since I’ve felt another body that close to mine, (excepting my husband, of course, lol!)

We ended yesterday with a nice meal, in a sparsely decorated restaurant, but with spectacular views of the Zocalo, (the main square), feeling pleased with ourselves for navigating our way around!

[smollobsession]

17.12.23

So a lot has happened... this will just be written as I remember things :D I've restarted online Korean lessons! The new teacher seems lovely. The goal now is to also open the grammar book soon :D

This weekend I've done a lot of clothes shopping. 2xjeans, bras, shirt, 4xleggins, 2xsweatpants... i spent so much money :( but i really ran out of clothes. shirts i have plenty of but trousers and dresses all went through a lot.

I also put away clothes I don't fit right now. I bought 2 more boxes at pepco and emptied my wardrobe of things I don't need, put them up in the loft. I also threw away 10 bulky bras that were taking up so much space and that I no longer wear.

Speaking of the loft, i finally took the sheets off the bed and washed them. ... now waiting patiently for step 2 :P putting them back on and wanting to sleep there.

And, speaking of clothes I don't fit. Weekends are a problem. I'm eating well during the week and then the weekend comes and I undo it all. I definitely need to plan on Friday and do the shopping so I stop eating sweets and ordering lunches that aren't good for me but uh >< the struggle is real.

I was supposed to meet Mr.I last weekend but I cancelled it because I felt sick and then this week he did the same so we pushed it to next year :D

I made plans with E to go to Dresden next weekend. Tickets purchased :) it'll be just a day trip but I haven't been there in the 8 years I've lived here!

Another place I hadn't visited before that everyone talks about is Stromovka. But a few weeks ago I finally went there :) The weather was horrible for the trip back but it was quite lovely for the actual walk. I took some pics I really like. I also slipped on the ice and fell down in front of a lady with a dog - the dog loved skating on that ice lol :D

I haven't been able to participate in any more protests because they overlap with my work hours, but I did manage to do two things.

I went to a Doctors Without Borders fundraiser for Gaza and bought 800czk worth of things. I got some pins and a little wallet that I sent to L as a part of our server's Xmas exchange. I forgot to put the MSF pin in the envelope but that's not a big problem for reasons I'll explain later. I am more sad that I didn't make the envelope more fun but I realized too late that if I didn't send it straight away, I wouldn't do it until a week later and that was toooo late.

I also paid for a 2gb esim that I hope will go through to someone in Palestine who needs it.

At the fundraiser I also bought a watermelon hairclip for my watermelon loving friend V. I will give it to her in February when... we go to Singapore and Cambodia together!

After some waiting all flight tickets have been purchased and all accommodation booked. The rest we have to do closer to the date - visas, sim cards, tour bookings etc.

I'm excited :D I'll see L there and bring her the pin - i find it funny because it's in English and Czech so I think it's be hilarious for her to wear it in Singapore. And I'll pick up the season's greetings I ordered through her <3 (which I have yet to pay for!)

We are, by total accident, landing on CNY so we're definitely going to Chinatown first night to experience THAT :D and then one day I'll revisit some parts with V, see some new things in the city too. And 2 days I plan to spend on the beach and doing the treetops walk finally! I'm kinda hoping D will be able to join us but it's unsure as of yet.

And then we're going to Cambodia which will be one big temples viewing trip and genocide museum sadness and food extravaganza. I'm wondering if I should invite E to this trip...

But! I'm trying to not be too excited so for now that's all I'll say about the trip :D

During the absolute worst of weather I finally went to that shop near Mirak to get A the bag. Luckily they still had the white one (sadly no black one for me :( ). On my way back I stopped by the Christmas Market and had an overpriced trdelnik and a nice raid with only 4 people that we won in the last second. It was fun!

I finally finished sense8 a few weeks ago. I have to say it was a bit more boring than I remember it but ok, I'm glad I finished it.

I also finished MDWAP :( I did find out that FINALLY The Unbelievable Truth hosted by David Mitchell is on a podcast so I'm listening to that now, and I've downloaded Dan Carlin's Hardcore Histories, all the free ones, for the next listening. I'm just glad I'm enjoying things again lol.

I watched some music shows - aaa and a gayo, idk which one :D - with the server and had a lot of fun. Han and Seungmin running back to the stage when 3racha FINALLY WON AN AWARD was so much fun :D

And of course, Dan and Phil are back and they are not only doing their Christmas videos but also giving me reasons to share squees with T on whatsapp :D

Feeling some kinda way about all these people right now O.O

[tacoaddict]

P A R A S I T E 12 - 28 - 2022

One of my favorite things to do for New Year’s Day is get rid of all the shit from last year.

Literally. Figuratively. Spiritually.

I usually drink a detox tea, and will throw a few shrooms in there and spend the day relaxing(recovering from the night before), reflecting(screaming, crying, confronting my demons, figuring out which characters of my life are to be cancelled or not for the next chapter(not everyone can tag along!) etc.), dreaming (planning for the future), and shitting the last of my guts out from the year before. It’s a beautiful process and I give it a 10/10 recommendation!

This year… I bought deworming serum to throw into the mix. To be completely honest, I didn’t even know such a thing existed until a friend told me about it a couple months ago… I was immediately repulsed and overcome with stubbornness cuz, HA! Not MY ass about to shit out some worms! How’d they get in there? Who found the spare key under the planter? (* btw, you should never leave a key under a planter, people are crazy these days!) Part of me still doubts anything will come out, even after all the reading I’ve done on the subject. Nonetheless, ready or not, here New Year’s comes, and thine shit goes as well as any worms or parasites that have taken unwelcome shelter in my home/body.

The physical side of me could stubbornly deny having a worm infested gut for the rest of my life. But spiritually, I’ve been mindlessly letting a parasite suck the life out of me for far too long and thought, the start of this new year is the end of your reign over my body.

This parasite, is my ex.

She was my everything, good and bad. She’s what woke me up, and what left me with tears to lull me to sleep. She was my best friend, and my worst enemy. We loved, ferociously. It was all consuming of anything outside of that love. It was the wrong kind of beautiful, like the beautiful glow from a distant fire sending a mountain to ash in a blazing inferno. She is my Catra, and I her Adora(minus the last season where folks choose to get over themselves and just love one another, but more on that later.) And after years of being drunk in love, once apart, I was completely hollow. Unrecognizable. Whoever I was before was gone, is gone no matter how far I reach to find her… My Ex however, shed no tears, lost no pep in her step, Nothing. Not that I would wish the pain I felt on even my worst enemy, but giving my all to her seemed to mean nothing.  I never compared or kept tally of the give-and-take between us and it wasn’t until I could let go that I realized that one day I was a normal human being (well, as normal as someone like me to possibly be) and the next, I was no longer my own person, but simply a part of a collective. My bed became her bed, her codependency became my codependency and the life I knew was washed away in a sea of love I thought I always wanted.

I can’t put all the blame on the parasite though… I let her sink her teeth into me. I let her bury her sins under a million kisses.  I let her empty threats of suicide keep me chained to her side more times than I can possibly count because I love her, and I only want the best for her, and I want a life worth living for her, and I worked the best I could to give that to her. What I failed to acknowledge was what she wanted for me. What I wanted for me. I forgot about myself and had front row seats to watch my own demise. She slithered up my neck, lulled me with her eyes, sucked my Carotid dry and left a kiss to mark the spot. I struggled at first, even ran a few times, but never got away… I think I started to enjoy the sting after a while. My face became sunken, and my strength weakened until I couldn’t hold on any longer, and let it all go…

And once I was empty, she was done with me.

It’s been a rocky road of recovery… figuratively speaking, I’d say this glass is just as half full as it is half empty and that’s OK for now. We’ve come a long way from where we were once I finally broke free in a sense. There’s still a lingering of her within me… Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her when all I wanna do is forget her and everything we ever had together. I know my stubborn heart wants to believe that maybe there was a human in there, with a heart and a soul… that maybe she loved me… that maybe I loved something more… than a glutinous parasite, but time and time again, I was/am proved wrong!

So I bought deworming serum! And now, I HOPE I see worms come out of my ass! Literally and figuratively! What to do next, I have no idea… I know I want to be free of this curse, and not think about her daily, and forget the bad cuz only remembering the good sprouts a yearning for someone I don’t need in my life! So… any advice anyone?

[gaymillfgod]

Holiday Sruggles

Hello again, while October has passed now, it is currently November and another difficult season. I can already notice the changes that happen in my family during this season, and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet. I have to be on eggshells around my grandmother for even longer this year I suppose. Just about anything I do makes her mad. When I talk to her she gets mad, and when I don’t talk to her she gets mad. I don’t know what to do. I know it’s because the holiday season is difficult for her, but it isn’t an excuse to take it out on me and make it even more difficult. The worse it gets the more I won’t be at home. I always visit Sydney more during November and December. I always receive apple cider when I’m over and get fed a lot of food so I’m not hungry when I go home. I don’t like eating at home or by myself, so I usually don’t. Sydney noticed that early on in our friendship. My grandmother sees my mom in me, she won’t admit it but she does. I know that is part of the reason why she gets so mad. Some things she does I don’t understand, like the manipulation and guilt-tripping. That’s uncalled for, but all I can do is endure it until I can leave. We have one very loose plan for Thanksgiving and it's the same as every year. Go to Blythe’s house. I hate going to Blythe’s house, I never feel like I belong there, and it’s just too much now. Especially with the way she completely disregards my parents. She didn’t even want to tell her son about his aunt, she just wanted to ignore it. She wants her family to be picture perfect when it isn’t, and I can’t be a part of that especially when my life has been nothing close to picture perfect. . . I was told I don’t have to go as long as I have plans with someone, it should be easy to make plans since they will be celebrating that Saturday instead. I think I already know who I’ll make plans with. 

It’s the week before Thanksgiving now, and so much has happened. This week I was supposed to have therapy on Wednesday with the therapist I picked out in July, but I had to work so I canceled the appointment. Then on Wednesday, we got a call that there was a new opening for December 2nd. I am so excited, I have been on the waitlist for almost 6 months now. But that day that good news took a turn. I was talking with my grandmother and she got mad at me for something someone else said, and she tried making me feel bad for hanging out with my friends instead of her. Right after that, she said, “You are just like your mother.” That broke me. She knows how much I hate being compared to her, yet she still said it. That was the worst thing she could have said. Especially now, she also knows I don’t like the holidays. Lately, I have been really struggling with how I feel about her. Some days I hate her, others I miss her.