#I thought I’d post it when I posted the chapter buuuut

[iusedtohavesixtoes]

Blossoming.

[1loer]

@polaroid-steam-room : 'Something with Imposter and Nagito, maybe talking about identity stuff? At least I’d feel like it’d make for a unique and kinda comforting convo between the two! Ok this ended up way less comforting than you probably wanted I'm sorry AHGUAEGHUEG m(__)m. I do want to explore that type of conversation with them post canon, buuuut i want to save it for a later date hehe :3c but! I still thought they could've had an interesting dynamic in game, especially in the first chapter. I realised its kind of weird Imposter didn't see through Komaeda's ruse, all things considered, so explored that instead. I hope it still sort of hits what u wanted!!!!!!!! thank u for suggesting these two. Getting into Imposter's head and thinking about them a bit more seriously was acc rlly fun!! <3 I hope u like it <3

There was comfort in control. 

Maybe that comfort was the reason they chose to wear someone as commanding and imperious as the Ultimate Affluent Progeny. 

Komaeda Nagito was a nebulous personality. Most of the others had been easy to read from the second they said ‘hi’. Even someone like Hinata Hajime, who had forgotten so much more about himself than the rest of them had, was an open and well-worn book to them. They could’ve perfected his presentation in a second, even without knowledge on what his talent was. But Komaeda had been a bit more difficult than that. He was elusive, keeping to himself if he wasn’t keeping to Hinata’s side. 

Normally, unless completely necessary, they wouldn’t bother themselves with trying to untangle a knot as tightly wound as someone like Komaeda. But, with this whole ridiculous mess of a so-called ‘killing game’ they’d been unwillingly entered into…Well, you need a knot to tie a noose. 

Komaeda stood off to the side, leaning against a wall, seemingly content to watch the party pass him by. Every now and again, they’d catch his eye twitch towards a table at the back of the room, next to where he stood. It seemed habitual; protective. The way someone would keep watch of their belongings they left at their table at a cafe when they went up to the bar to order. 

Again, perhaps in any other situation, they wouldn’t find reason to worry over something so unobtrusive. But from what they could see, there was no reason Komaeda should be so pre-occupied with an empty table. In a situation like this, quirks like that were the most important to keep on top of. 

“Komaeda, have you eaten?”

Komaeda acted surprised, even though there was no way he couldn’t have noticed their approach. Muggy eyes wide and blinking clear as they quickly snatched away from that empty table once more.  

“Oh, hello Togami!” He smiled gently, and tittered a laugh, “Of course I’ve eaten! How could I pass up the opportunity to try food made for us by an Ultimate like Hanamura?” 

They held out a plate towards Komaeda, so filled with food it was a strain to hold with just one hand, “Have another plate, you need it.” 

If his back wasn’t already backed against a wall, they were sure Komaeda would’ve taken a step back, “I’m okay, really!” he pleaded, hands up in polite rejection. 

“It wasn’t a request.” 

They shoved the plate into Komaeda’s chest, and on instinct he grabbed it. He regarded it tentatively, an awkwardly stiff tilt in his shoulders. 

“Ah, Koizumi was right. You really are forceful.” He laughed lightly, relaxing a little. Togami wouldn’t react to such a pointless statement, so neither did they. Then, with a tilt of his head, the brightness that on the surface seemed characteristic to Komaeda returned, “But I guess it is to be expected of such a capable leader.” 

But Komaeda’s brightness was just that. Surface level. He was good at it. Obviously very practised at it. He wasn’t surprised that no one else seemed to have noticed. Even Togami, they were certain, wouldn’t have noticed. Togami would find him distasteful, annoying, and someone so completely not worth his time that even finding these two words to describe him would be more effort than Togami would believe he deserved. 

In any other circumstance, he would’ve stuck to his guns with this characterisation. If he let his own beliefs and intuition bleed into his act, it would reveal the act for what it was. If there was one thing, they could confidently say about themselves, it was that they were good at what they did. The fact that even Hope’s Peak had figured them out to bestow them the title ‘Ultimate Imposter’ was shocking. But he supposed that only spoke to the capabilities of an academy like Hope’s Peak. But this was simply something he just couldn’t ignore. 

They would be the first to admit that they had been out of character. If faced with this same situation, they were certain that the real Togami’s actions would have been exactly opposite of their own. Togami was ruthless, selfish, cold, and above all else, a horrible loser and an even worse winner. To someone like Togami, the only thing that really mattered as much as his family’s name was winning. Togami’s, historically, didn’t lose. The Togami heir would not be the end of that streak. No, the real Togami in this situation would be the exact person Monokuma would want in his game, because Togami would play to win, and would not take even a second to care for the people in the game with him. 

But they just couldn’t sit comfortably in that role. Despite what he knew of Togami, he couldn’t in good faith look these people in their eyes, people that were supposed to be his classmates, all just as confused and lost and scared as they were and tell them that he would throw them all under the bus if it meant getting off this island and getting back to his work. 

Luckily for them, for what they and the rest of their class could remember, none of them knew Togami Byakuya. So, none of them would question their motives for trying so hard to keep all of them safe. After all, when all was said and done, could they really claim the title Ultimate Imposter if they couldn’t even perform a personality out of character in a convincing way? 

“Fat is important to keep you alive. In stressful situations like this, eating well is especially important. I don’t want you dying for a reason as pathetic as malnutrition, especially not while I am your leader.” 

Komaeda chuckled amicably in place of a response, and accepted the plate completely, giving it another nervous once over. They treated him much the same, their eyes scanning him from the toe of his scuffed brown leather shoes (subtly expensive, understated and unnoticeable if you didn’t know what you were looking at) to the tip of the unruly, curly white mop of his hair (unnatural and unhealthy. All the more so when you caught sight of the pale, blushing, strawberry blonde that lingered in the crook of his neck). 

“Plus,” They started, folding their arms. Komaeda stared at him innocently, “It must take up a lot of energy, keeping up this facade you’re performing.” 

Komaeda tripped; Togami smirked. 

He recovered quickly, in the blink of an eye, smiling awkwardly and titling his head with a disarming curiosity, but they didn’t miss the stiffness that returned in his shoulders, 

“Ah, pardon?” 

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” Togami replied, cool and just slightly irritated. Then, that harsh, blunt cover fell back, and they looked away, “It's not an issue. I understand. More than you’d know.” 

Surprisingly, Komaeda actually seemed to back down a little, his guard dropping an inch, his smile turning wiry, “...I’m not so sure about that.” 

Despite themselves, they felt themself responding much the same. 

The more they thought about it, the more his facade made sense. They thought back to the confident way he tried to speak, the way he shakingly grabbed at the attention of his peers, his grip as perfect and practised as a baby grabbing for its favourite toy. That is to say, it was cack-handed and clumsy, and landed poorly every single time. They thought of how easily he sunk back from Saionji’s remarks, how he accepted them without protest. In those moments, he seemed much more comfortable than any other time they’d seen him. Then there was his attachment to Hinata, someone who, through no fault of his own, was the only true outcast amongst their group. With no idea of what his talent was, Hinata was, unfortunately, a bit lost amongst the rest of them. Who, with nothing else to hold onto, at least had the confidence of knowing who they were, what their role was. Komaeda was optimistic, friendly, and agreeable, even when he probably really shouldn’t have been, and seemed to care very deeply about how he came off to everyone around him. The effort he put in to clean this room for this party at such short notice was evidence enough of that. It was the only time they had seen him nearly brag about something he’d done or speak even close to positively about himself. He was meek and quiet, and overall, just seemed…

Lonely. 

Well, that was something they certainly could understand. 

“There is comfort in hiding yourself.” They replied, their eyes scanning across the room, checking in on the people happily enjoying the party around them. Oowari and Mioda were being a bit too rowdy and getting shouted at for it by Saionji (Hinata watched them from the sides, laughing a little at what they were doing, but not too much. Maybe he’d have to talk to him about all this as well), “The person I present myself as is never usually the person I really am inside, if I was completely truthful.” Their eyes spared a passing glance at Komaeda. The intense, unblinking stare he levelled them with was unsettling. Togami didn’t feel it, and held it back, just as insistent, “It’s a useful strategy for business. It keeps you separated from your work, makes sure you don’t take anything too personally so you can focus on one, clear goal. The total and complete domination of the Togami Industry, above all others.” 

Komaeda blinked widely, his heavy stare not really seeing Togami, before it drifted off to the side, “I suppose.” Then, he was back, bright and chipper, “I can see why the Togami company has historically done so well. You’re going to do amazing, once you inherit it.” 

“I know that well enough.” He shot back dismissively, then they relented, softening once more, “But…It’s not easy. The price you pay for that safety is…You can never truly get close to someone.” 

They hoped the weight of their stare matched the weight of their words, really made what they were trying to say, as Togami may say it, sink in. 

“...What a lonely life.” Komaeda said wistfully. For a moment, his bright eyes turned cloudy, his smile dropped. Like white noise, it was only when it was gone that they really realised how present it usually was. Then, once it returned, it stood out more than it ever had.  

Komaeda understood. They wished they could feel better about that fact. They felt their heart ache, just a little. Even if they had guessed as much, it was another thing to see their suspicions confirmed. Along with the sympathy came a spike of guilt they tried desperately to shake. They tried to remind themselves that they had to treat everyone with a level of suspicion. That is what Togami would do. The logical, clinical response to a situation so incredibly illogical, and what they needed to do to make sure everyone survived. But the guilt persisted, in spite of this logic. Komaeda had been higher than most on their watchlist, nearly higher than even Hinata, (who was the most suspicious out of all of them) only because of his closed off, peculiar demeanour. To suspect someone, just because they were a bit awkward, a bit unconfident, a bit…Different. Maybe it was what Togami would’ve done, but it didn’t make them feel any better about it. 

“‘Lonely’ is a pathetic word to describe the feeling.” Togami replied coldly. He locked eyes with Komaeda, and he shifted under his stare, “It’s a living hell.” They replied, a truth in their words so deep and unnatural to Togami, that for a small second, they felt uncertain. It was enough that, despite what he wanted, what Togami wanted, they broke eye contact first. It was dangerous, a little too far. Something in Komaeda’s face changed, and they quickly shifted gears. Togami closed his eyes, and smirked with a confidence they didn’t feel, “If you really wish to see these bonds between us all come to fruition as you say, perhaps it’s something you should consider.” 

That piercing look, stripping them like a nail through orange peel, disappeared. They felt it lift like a physical weight. Once it was gone, it was like it was never there in the first place. Komaeda smiled prettily, a slight glimpse of his white teeth peeking through, as he apologised, 

“Thank you for your concern, Togami. I’m sorry I made you worry.” 

Togami scoffed, “Don’t be stupid.” He scolded him, looking at him down his nose. Komaeda lowered his head, laughing quietly, and the control fell comfortably back into Togami’s hands. It was relieving. It made them stand on his feet a little steadier. 

“Ah, of course. I overstepped there, how lame of me.” Komaeda sighed. Then, a hard, serious look grew on his face, much more serious than was needed, “No, you’re absolutely right. I completely understand. It is exactly as you said it.” Komaeda looked at him, but it was…Different. Something disquieting sat in their stomach, like a small stray piece of burning shrapnel. A splinter that broke under their skin as it was recklessly pulled free. “In the end, above all else, your end goal must be your main focus, and you must be whoever you need to be to see that goal through to its glorious end.” 

Komaeda’s voice was the same as it ever was, breathy and light. But something was…wrong. Something undetectable, he couldn’t put his finger on it. He just knew something wasn’t right. Carbon dioxide. Silent, odourless. Deadly. 

The alarm blared in their head, a niggling beep they couldn’t ignore. 

“...And what is your goal exactly?” They asked. Years of practice kept Togami’s voice solid, portrayed none of the uncertainty they felt underneath his skin. 

Komaeda smiled. The beeping persisted. 

Togami didn’t flinch in the face of intimidation, so he didn’t swallow the nerves that built in the back of their throat.

“To see everyone here working together to make their hope shine brightly.”

Komaeda’s smile didn’t waver. The bright spark in their eye didn’t dim, and no matter how hard they pried, nothing budged. Everything stayed solid, real, genuine. 

So why did it all feel so…Wrong? 

“Hm…” 

That guilt they felt from before resurfaced. What had Komaeda really done to make them suspect him so harshly? Komaeda had been nothing but kind, nothing but helpful, and in his own, solid, truthful words, stated his plan was the exact same as their own. Komaeda had shown himself as nothing but their ally, supported their idea from the start, even while everyone else had cast doubt over it. Now they were suspecting him, because he smiled a bit weirdly? Because his stare was unsettling? Because he was a bit…Different? 

The circumstances were getting to him. This suspicion, distrust with no basis, was exactly what Monokuma wanted. Togami wouldn’t play into the hands of someone like Monokuma. He’d win on his own terms. They were inclined to agree. 

If there was someone to suspect, it just made this whole awful mess easier. With a place to point their finger, they’d know how to act, know how to win, know how to keep everyone safe.  

They changed the batteries in the alarm. Pushed the button to reset. The alarm stopped. They pretended it made them feel better. 

Togami huffed a laugh, and they turned away, with one final command, “Eat. You need fat on your bones. The island wind will blow you away.” 

“Yessir!” Komaeda replied playfully, his eyes scrunching handsomely as he giggled. 

Together they’d stand, divided they’d fall. That was the real truth at the centre of all this mess. It was what they needed to hold onto, in the face of everything else. Despite what Togami may want, they were not going to let any of them turn into murderers. 

There was comfort in control. But they would not let that comfort make a fool out of them.

[taegularities]

hiiii, i’m new here so just a warning this is gonna be a long one 🙃 okay so i just wanted to say I FUCKING LOVE YOU RID!!!! I actually cannot stress it enough i have fallen in love with your writing, your art is so beautiful, and you know what makes it all a 100xs more enjoyable? your kind nature, YOU’RE SO KIND <33 i kinda scrolled through your account a bit after reading a few chapts of cmi and you’re the sweetest lil honey the way you take so much time to respond idk it’s so endearing to me mayn i’m in love w u 🙈.. i have fallen into a trap named rid and i fear you’ll never be rid of me (okah ahhh this is embarrassing, unfortunately my jokes don’t reach level kim seokjin butttt oh wells i tried :)

Anyways now that i’ve given you a lot of my attention (😅) let’s give some to cmi eh?! I’m currently on chapt 3? but first off CMI JK!!!!!! i’m sorry but he’s mine forever i adoreeee him. He’s a silly lil man but he knows when to be serious and he cares for her so much 🥺 right from the beginning girl chap 1 i’m telling you he’s her lovr boy from day 1 no one can change my mind.

And mccccc i acc love herrr, she has the vibes where she’s like ‘ugh i hate you🙄’ whilst her insides are totally squealing overwhelmed with butterflies, pls she’s so me in that sense. My lifestyle isn’t in anyway like hers but somehow someway i manage to relate to her she’s such a comfort to me i can’t explain it :( her inner monologue it’s like she just gets me, the over-thinker in us 🤧 so thanks for bringing her character to life :))

Also, i’d say i’m v good at reading characters, predicting stuff here and there but for the life of me Rid, i cannot read jk. he’s impossible. One minute i think oh he knows he’s in love the next i’m like ??? are his thoughts just as jumbled as hers? He’s just so ?:?/?/?/? Either way they break my heart and manage to piece it all back together in one.

and YOUR SMUT???? oh your smut is oh so delicious! like the ‘jk knitting his brows together and aggressively hmm-ing’ kind of delicious. YES. YES. YES. however.. i’m hoping for dom mc to come out. she was teased the teeniest tiniest bit in chap 3? and now i’m just a tad curious.

Also them talking about percy jackson and me currently reading percy jackson 🤭

AND all the star talk has me WEAK. i LOVE STARS, i love the sky, they’re such romantics, he’s such a romantic, a dreamer, he’s perfect god i’m such a sap

also really random but we have the same mbti Rid :) and then i got curious about who’s your bias bcs i have this thing where i believe you bias who reflects your personality most and we literally have the same biases and bias wrecker 😭taegikook will be the death of me 🙄😩

(okay so bcs i’m anon i stil want you to remember who it is everytime i post feedback so it’s Riaaaa. maybe i’ll add an emoji? 🐈‍⬛? yeah i’ll go with the 🐈‍⬛)

thank you for writing i’m excited to read the rest of the chapters i’ll be back with an update hehe and hopefully a better review and less waffling. love yaaa 🫂

- Ria🐈‍⬛

WELCOME THERE, RIA! please, i love your energy already, it's nice that you weren't too shy to reach out <3 and with a seokjin joke right away? cmon, that's so sweet 😭 i'm so happy you have been enjoying my blog, me AND my stories, like, what more do i want 🥺

YES YES, cmi!jk has my entire heart. i don't think i've ever felt so close to a character i wrote, so he just means a whole lot to me (and hopefully, to cmi readers as well) – he's silly, and he'll get sillier. reading him won't get easier either, and as you'll see, oc is gonna have a hard time doing so, too hahaha buuuut he's adorable and i love him :( same with our overthinking baby, oc :(((

AH YOU LIKE THE SMUT? lmfao i've been having a hard time with it, so it's good go know i'm not entirely failing and you're enjoying it :'D sub jk, yes? we'll see 😌

ahh yes, the star talk. you said you're new here so you're not used to it yet, but i love my stars and the sky (a little too much), so you'll find talk about it every now and then, in most of my fics 😭 honestly, i even tried to lessen that bit in cmi and replace it with flower stuff... there's a lot worse out there in my masterlist :')

your name and the 🐈‍⬛ emoji are so cute, babe !! drop by anytime 🥺 and i'll be waiting patiently hehehe i'm so happy they're comforting to you, and super excited to hear what you think of the rest 👁 enjoy it and welcome again, lovely 💕

[larathia]

I just read your recent chapter 90 jshk analysis and this may be a 2am thought but I wonder if Hanako would oppose Kou when his priorities have, I’d say change through the course of the Severance

Originally, from the earlier chapters he’d set a course to serve as No.7 under “God” to redeem himself from guilt/crimes of killing Tsukasa then implied to Kou once he was a powerful enough exorcist he’d willing allow himself to be exorcised. (Plus, when Teru firstly attempt to eradicate Hanako, he used a lot of energy to not be when “having a lot of things to do” and being exorcised would “only be a release”)

This next part is also coming from a Hananene stan but hear me out. We can say Hanako has fallen for Nene and doing so, he allowed the Severance to happen which removed step one of his original duty to serve as a mystery/ protector to the school. Secondly, right after Nene and Hanako have their little escapade, he says something along the lines of “it doesn’t matter what happens to me if I were exorcised by Teru or No.1”

So yeah, sorry if this was a long post. Thank ya if you read my little thought blurb because your post did get me thinking if Kou became a supernatural how would Hanako or Nene react and what does this mean for the future of events~ Hell, maybe this “God” mentioned will have an appearance

It's a good point, and I do wonder - but I think what it comes down to in the end is what kind of being Hanako struck that initial bargain with.

Because yeah - he did say "it doesn't matter if Akane and Teru exorcise me as long as you get to live". Buuuut. We also know, because he's run up against Teru before, that 'exorcising' him grants him oblivion. No Heaven, no Hell, no 'go round the wheel again' - just oblivion.

Now, if you're someone who genuinely thinks you deserve a lot of punishment...well. "Oblivion" is getting off lightly, you know? It's a away of getting around what 'should' have happened.

Hanako's been going 'off the rails', in terms of his duty as Number 7, for some time - you're right. But if Kou takes over as a new Six, not only would he become Yet Another Thing that Hanako's supposed to deal with...he'd end the Severance. Which may well mean that whoever Hanako struck that initial bargain with, that being could now reach him and dish out some punishment.

...Seriously, I really do hope Kou does take on the powers of Six. The more I think about it, the more interesting the consequences become.

[ren1327]

Sweater Weather Ch.8

Hi guys!

So exciting news. Sweater Weather is almost complete at this point to where I will try to post the latest chapters Wednesdays and Sundays. I'm really jazzed that I'm going to wrap this project up and excited to get started on new ones.

As always, thanks for being so patient and I cant wait to bring you guys more content this autumn season!

-----------------------------------------------

Ben woke up with Kenji’s face in his stomach, his body folded over him as he rest on a pillow laid over the larger man’s back.

The sun was just peeking through the trees and he heard a whine, Bumpy scratching at the front door.

“Kenji.” Ben called.

Kenji groaned.

“Kenji, Bumpy needs to go for a walk.” Ben said.

“No…”

“Kenji, we slept in the living room, come on.”

“I got her, Ben!” Carmen said and walked in the room, dressed in a cute set of rainbow snow boots and a matching jacket. “I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. You guys should take a power nap on the bed to straighten out your spines.”

“Thank you, Carmen.” Kenji said, voice muffled in Ben’s sternum.

Ben chuckled and pet the back of his head before lightly smacking it. “Come on.”

Kenji slapped his thigh back a little too hard.

“Ow! That hurt!” Ben huffed.

“I can kiss it better.” Kenji hummed.

“…you can reach more in bed.” Ben murmured and Kenji slid back and sat up.

“I’m up.” Kenji said and Ben laughed, pushing him back so he could hobble to their bedroom, pulling back the quilts and comforters and sliding in, Kenji not wasting a moment joining him.

Ben blushed and pulled him close, kissing his forehead as the larger man sighed softly. Kenji snuggled into the smaller man’s chest and Ben hugged him best he could.

“This is nice.” Kenji hummed and Ben chuckled.

“Yeah.”

He closed his eyes and for a moment, imagined dry grassland or manicured shrubbery around buildings in San Antonio.

He would wake up like this every morning. Maybe with Kenji curled around him, he curled around Kenji, back to back or to one of Kenji’s rare starfish moments. Ben would most likely wake up first and get coffee going, then whine for Kenji to cook something. They’d eat together, go to work, maybe shower or go grocery shopping together, Bumpy next to them on her leash.

Domestic and happy.

He didn’t think it was possible.

Some part of him felt he didn’t deserve it.

And a smaller part of him wanted to grab and hold on to the image of he and Kenji walking hand and hand into a building where people were laughing and hanging out, waving good morning to them and a wall of smiling families who they had helped near the door.

He felt Kenji’s breathing deepen and felt him relax into sleep, his fingers massaging his scalp through the black locks.

…could they get married and start a family too?

He blushed and hugged Kenji closer.

With both hands, he held on to the image tight.

He could be happy.

*

Ben woke to the smell of French toast, bacon and hazelnut coffee.

He blinked awake, noticing a large pillow in his arms instead of the firstborn Kon heir.

“Morning, Sleepybutt.” Kenji said as he walked in with a tray.

“Afternoon.” Ben said, glancing at the clock.

“Not noon yet.” Kenji said, holding the plate out. “And bacon is an all-day thing.”

“This is turkey bacon.” Ben said.

“Cause too much grease gives you heart burn.” Kenji said. “I listened to you complain on the phone with Sammy the other night.”

“I love you.” Ben sighed and took the plate, then froze.

Kenji was blushing and staring at him.

“I-I mean…”

“Yeah!” Kenji shouted. “I get it. Um, I forgot…cream! For the coffee!”

Kenji quickly escaped the room, leaving Ben to blush down at the food, hoping things couldn’t get more awkward.

*

Things got more awkward.

Ben and Kenji were walking to the lighthouse, hands brushing, but not touching after a tense brunch.

Carmen once again kept Bumpy close, Kenji asking Ben if he wanted to explore the old light house.

Trudging up the gravel path, they made it to the tall structure, Kenji opening the door for Ben.

“I thought this needs a lighthouse keeper.” Ben said.

“Owen checks on it every other night, but it’s fully on a timer and the diagnostics are sent to us if anything looks suspicious.” Kenji said.

“So…your lighthouse is on a timer?”

“Pretty much.” Kenji said. “Buuuut…”

He pulled Ben close and smiled.

“More privacy.” Kenji said and kissed Ben’s cold nose.

Ben scoffed and pushed him away, then started up the stairs, Kenji right behind him as they both raced to the top, Kenji winning with his longer legs. The smaller man panted and Kenji opened the door, the very breath leaving Ben as he walked out and saw over the lake.

“Oh…” He whispered and stared out over the water and snow.

Kenji came up behind him, hugging him around the waist. “What a view.”

Ben nodded.

They stood in silence for a moment, Kenji laying his cheek on the top of Ben’s head.

“You’d leave this for San Antonio?”

“I’d leave it for you and we’d visit together.”

“Kenji…” Ben turned. “I don’t want to be your reason for doing things.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not Brooklynn.”

Kenji gasped softly. “I…I won’t lie, I swear!”

“And you will improve yourself for yourself too.” Ben said. “Not go along with whatever I say so we avoid conflicts. Real couples fight, Kenji.”

“I…What if we fight too much or I mess up, or we never figure it out?”

“Look at us now, Kenji.” Ben said, taking his hands. “Look how much we’ve figured out already.”

The shorter man closed his eyes.

“We don’t love each other, maybe we won’t really, or maybe…maybe we’ll be happy together forever.” Ben said. “But don’t treat me as all or nothing just yet. Don’t use me as a prop. When we go to the ball, just be my boyfriend and nothing else.”

“So…real boyfriend instead of fake boyfriend?”

Ben leaned forward and kissed his nose. “Exactly that.”

Kenji chuckled and pulled Ben close.

“Hey!”

They both looked down to see Owen and Carmen at the bottom of the lighthouse, looking up at the two.

“We’re leaving tonight!” Owen yelled. “So get packing!”

Kenji sighed and rested his forehead on Ben’s.

“Rain check?”

“Yeah.” Ben said and they waved down before going to the stairs.

*

Ben smiled as they were loaded into a van, Carmen sitting in the back with Bumpy as Ben and Kenji took the middle seats, holding hands and snuggled up together as Owen drove them to Seattle from the large boathouse they had docked the yacht in.

“So, how’s everything?” The bodyguard/assistant asked.

“Great.” Kenji said, leaning his head on Ben’s.

“They finally got together.” Carmen called.

“What?!” Kenji yelled. “You knew too?!”

“I’m your on-site bodyguard for a reason, kid.” Owen said with a smile.

Ben chuckled and looked up at Kenji. The taller man sighed and settled back into their cuddle, Bumpy jumping over the seats to lay in Ben’s lap as Carmen put on her headphones and started playing her switch.

“Hey.” He said softly and Ben looked up, eyes hooded with content.

“Hey.”

“Wanna go for a walk after dinner?” Kenji asked.

“Dinner with your parents?” Ben asked with a smile.

“The restaurant is in the hotel. We can go out for an hour or two with Bumpy to a café or the Space Needle or the Great Wheel…”

“I think it might be a little too late for all that. But maybe a café after I tell your parents I want to extend my stay?” Ben asked.

Kenji grinned and hugged Ben close.

“Aw.” Owen cooed and Kenji kicked the back of his seat.

*

Ben and Kenji were placed in a room together, Bumpy having a plush pet bed next to theirs.

Kenji was laying on his back as Ben changed from his dinner clothes into something more casual.

Dinner had been amazing, Kosei and Candy looking well rested despite the constant planning and rechecking of the ball’s supplies and preparation.

“Ben.” Candy had said over dessert. “You, Carmen and I should go shopping tomorrow morning.”

“Mom…” Kenji whined.

“Oh, right. I forgot Ben probably will want to go back…” She murmured.

“Actually.” Ben said. “Carmen was telling me about New Years and…”

He blushed, Kenji smirking and taking his hand.

“We were wondering if we could stay past New Years.” Kenji finished.

“Of course!” Kosei said with a wide smile, surprising his family and Ben from his outburst.

Candy clapped her hands.

“The we are definitely doing that shopping trip!” She said. “Sorry, Baby.”

“It’s cool.” Kenji said. “Bumpy and I will just hang out with Dad.”

Kosei nodded.

Dinner went on, and now they were going to go on their walk, Bumpy zooming around in circles in her little green vest and booties.

“Ready?” He asked Kenji.

Kenji lifted his legs and swung them down, using the momentum to stand, doing a little jump.

“Yeah.” He said and pocketed their room key.

He took Ben’s hand, who lifted Bumpy in his other hand, her leash around his wrist.

“Let’s go.” He said.

Kenji led his boyfriend to the elevator, then down to the lobby where they were greeted by a few front desk employees and the doorman.

Ben put Bumpy down, who immediately sniffed at the plant beds and started tugging Ben along.

Kenji laughed and wrapped an arm around Ben’s waist as they walked.

“It’s so bright!” Ben said with a smile, looking at the lights and neon.

“Is it what you thought it would be?” Kenji asked. “Or better?”

Ben smiled at Kenji. “Way better.”

They sat on a bench, an awning keeping snow off it as Bumpy sniffed around and they stared at the lights. Kenji took Ben’s hand.

“Ben, would your Mom…Would she have liked me?”

Ben blinked and thought. “I think she would have.”

“What was she like?”

“Never mad. Like I never saw her mad. I saw her frustrated and stressed but she never snapped at me.” He said. “She had long dirty blond hair and it wasn’t soft, but it always smelled good. When she cut it, I kind of missed watching her brush it. But she said her arms felt heavy all the time and I would do it for her. I remember she would hum or sing every time she cooked. She made a baked potato soup that would warm you from the inside out. Dave can make it close but…There was something about hers.”

Ben sniffed and smiled.

“Everything she touched seemed so much better. It was like she only knew how to be nice and positive. Like your mom actually. I bet they would have been best friends. I bet maybe your mom’s food would have made her stronger. Carmen would be another baby and she would love Bumpy and…who am I kidding, Kenji, she would love you just for being my friend, let alone boyfriend.”

Kenji hugged Ben close.

“She sounds amazing.” He said and Ben sniffed.

“I miss her so much. I never…I never really…”

“My Mom and Carmen celebrate this holiday in October. Um, it’s a couple days to remember those who moved on. We have an altar at our main house. Could I uh…even if we don’t stay together…could I add her picture? So we remember her?”

“You’d do that?” Ben asked. “To remember a woman you never met?”

“No. I think I’ve met her.” Kenji said and cupped Ben’s cheek. “She sounds a bit like you.”

Ben chucked wetly and smiled, kissing Kenji softly. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Being you. I like you, Kenji Kon.” Ben said, getting up and holding out his hand.

Kenji smiled and took it.

“I like you too, Ben Pincus.”

He checked Bumpy and they started off again, hand in hand.

“So this café a favorite of yours?” Ben asked when he saw the shop at the edge of a plaza full of people talking and drinking coffee as a band played jazz in a covered outdoor stage in the middle.

“You know I—”

“Kenji?” A voice called and Ben felt his boyfriend freeze beside him as he looked towards their left.

A slender woman with pink hair and green eyes stood there with an older couple.

“Go on, I’ll just be a minute.” She told them and both men nodded and walked ahead towards the hotel, hand in hand.

Kenji gulped as one openly glared at him as they passed.

“Hi.” He said to her, Ben realizing who the girl was.

“Hi, Kenji.” She said, raising her chin. “Been a while.”

“How have you been, Brooklynn?”

[foxish-draws]

Been a bit of a lull round here so I thought I’d make an update. >.> Art took a break for a hot minute cause I was writing (breached 130k words wtf). BUT I’m in the draws again. Running some projects simultaneously, got a McHanzo thing I’m working on and more Hades stuff b/c I’m smitten. 

Been sidelining tumblr a little lately since it just felt like a discouraging ghost town. Most everybody I followed jumped ship for twitter and it just doesn’t feel as engaging as it used to. Buuuut I’m not helping by letting my tumblr sit around all quiet, so I’m trying to warm up to it again and just see what happens. I’m still going to be a lot more chatty on twitter (@kitsune2022 btw) just due to the nature of the platform, but I’m gonna try not to leave my tumblr hanging when there’s a lull in new art to post. I just kinda feel like a nuisance to people’s feeds posting too much excess nonsense here, but I also don’t want people to think the account is dead. 

Sooooo yeah.

[elizabeatrice]

Episode 12 - The Little Mermaid

Let’s Talk About JSHK Anime #3

Warning: Manga spoilers for The Little Mermaid arc, The Clock Keeper arc, and chapter 64!!! (just a bit, skip point no. 5, 6, and 10 if you don’t want to get spoiled) Also … this ended up way longer than I intended.

Well that was one heck of a feels trip. It’s probably my new favorite episode, just because everyone is here being wholesome lmao.

This is mostly hananene meta I ain’t even gonna lie.

Before we begin, shout out to Black Canyon, our newest anime cutie pie. Just look at him, folks. Just chilling with his sunflower seed.

He has no idea the kind of life his owner leads.

I said before that the best part of episode 12 is how it made Daydream worse, so now I’m gonna ramble about it.

“Maybe different species can’t understand each other after all.”

“Maybe it would be better if I were an apparition too.”

This is my favorite part of the episode. And no, not in the sense that I want Nene to die just so that she and Hanako can be together. But because of how Lerche actually explored deeper what was said only once in the manga.

Well, both in the manga and anime Nene ended up accepting the mermaid’s blood because of her desire to be popular, but the anime decided to revisit what she said earlier in the episode.

Not only did that make her decision kinda less selfish, it’s also just … sad. Thinking that your friend, someone you really cared about, doesn’t trust you enough to tell you things about themselves, to the point where you’re willing to go to such lengths as turning into an apparition just to understand them.

And if you think about it, isn’t this part of her true wish? To have her feelings be reciprocated? Man I just realized that as I wrote this and I am mindblown.

She thought she finally got her wish with Hanako. I mean, he said it himself in the first ep (”You wanted someone, anyone, to return your feelings, right? And as far as you’re concerned, sharing a bond with someone is the same thing, right?”). So it must’ve hit her really hard when she thought he didn’t trust her. Especially with all the wrong ideas the fishes were feeding her mind.

Then we got this little flashback. At first I was like, “Girl, you really be thinking that he doesn’t care about you while recalling the moment he apologized to you and hugged you? Are you insane?”

But after some thinking of my own, it occurred to me. Maybe she was too used to having her feelings not reciprocated, she couldn’t believe it when someone finally did. Not to mention Hanako did kinda trick her with his fake confession a while back (heh, he’s not the only one with trust issues, eh?). And that just made the entire thing even sadder.

So when Nene said, “But I thought, if I were an apparition like you, I could get closer to you. Then, maybe I’d be able to understand you, Hanako-kun. Although I know I probably don’t mean anything to you.”

That was a harsh wake up call for Hanako.

(Btw even more full circle, Hanako brought up Nene’s wish to become human again in the first episode. Nice.)

So. We got one daikon girl who’s afraid of not having her feelings reciprocated, and one ghost boy who’s afraid that daikon girl wouldn’t be his friend anymore if she knew about his past.

While in actuality, said daikon girl already decided she wanted to and would be his friend no matter what, and ghost boy had grown to care about her more than he thought he would.

He heard what she said to Tsuchigomori. He knew all about regret, too.  I mean, honestly, I think if she had said no, he’d let her walk away right then and there, no questions asked. But she didn’t.

Nene’s wish finally came true here. And the best part? It wasn’t the work of magic or curses. Just Hanako finally shoving his fear aside, offering himself as he was, and letting her decide.

And she still chose to be with him.

Heh. Lemme just. Sob for a bit.

Is my hananene trash brain reading too much into this? Idk. Maybe.

So props to the production team for managing to add even more weight to this arc. Which, they had to, since it’s the season finale and all. But I love what they did!

Onto my commentaries!

1. The KouNene

Good shit. She was worried about him but he didn’t want her to worry so he just smiled it off? These two are precious. Thought they were gonna interact. Sadly not. Buuuut! (see point 12)

2. Hanako’s classroom visit

He. Is. So. Adorable. Someone please take his babey license away he’s too dangerous.

Hanako’s classroom visit is like my absolute favorite clingy Hanako moment, so I’m really happy I get to see it this season. Ugh. My kokoro. Hugging her from behind, that semi confession vibe … Smooth mf.

The Mokke brushing Nene’s hair!!! The radish hairdo tho lmao.

On a sidenote, as a history nerd I appreciate that they’re actually putting lessons in the background. And the teacher talked about Apollo 11 again??? While my boy was in the room? That ish both hurt and pleased me.

3. The Clock Keeper rumor drop

Heeeeeehhhhh? What’s thiiiiiissss?

4. This freaking thing

*flips table* Darn production team been knew I’m hananene trash how dare they do this to me.

And lookie here there’s Kodama chilling.

5. Fishies! (!!!manga spoiler for The Little Mermaid arc!!!)

Pufferfish didn’t die. Well, good for him. Also I can’t believe they just call the other fish ‘yeah yeah’ lmao what the freak. Has it always been like that in the manga?

6. AOI AND AKANE (!!!spoilers for chapter 64!!!)

I swear I did not intend this numbering coincidence.

*claps* Boi. Nene asking Aoi about cutting ties with someone she’s interested in? And then Akane just swooped in and say he’d rather cut his head off than cut ties with Aoi? What about getting impaled, huh, boy? Would that do?

The not-so-subtle call out to these two pairs’ parallel? BOI.

7. Nene and Yako

These two just chilling together having girl talk, and Yako let Nene pet her? That’s some adorable shit right there. Admit it Yako you like her.

Yako also be really hitting home with what she said. It was extra heavy coming from her, considering what happened to her and Misaki. Boiiiiii.

8. Tsuchigomori

Oh my God, his laughter. Just … oh my God.

Tsuchigomori in dad mode is always one of the highlights of the episode/chapter.

By the way, in this scene according to the sub, Nene asked Tsuchigomori who Tsukasa is. But she knew who he is already. Is it possible that the sub misinterpreted it? ‘Cause I think what she actually meant was, “What happened to him and Tsukasa-kun in the past?”

If someone who speaks Japanese could share their wisdom, please do!

9. The 5 pm bell and twilight

Look how pretty they are!!!

Lo and behold, another important hananene interaction while the 5 pm bell plays in the background. Also, twilight? Y’all giving me Kimi no Na wa flashbacks.

“Twilight, when it’s neither day or night. When the world blurs and one might encounter something not human.”

Huh … kinda fits the ‘boundary’ concept but it still hurt.

Anyway they still had Hanako tell her what she already knew. And I did say in my ‘Walking Blind’ post that it’d be redundant. But since the episode kinda emphasized Nene’s desire to understand Hanako, having him actually tell her himself, even though she already knew it, was a big deal. It’s not about what she knows, it’s about him opening up to her. So I’m super cool with it.

10. The Broadcasting Club (!!!spoilers for The Clock Keeper arc!!!)

I love how Natsuhiko and Sakura are actually decent people. When he told Mitsuba that he was free to choose to stay with them or not? That’s solid, man. Though, of course, Tsukasa might not be as kind.

Speaking of, I know it couldn’t be anything else, but I’m still not sure if Tsukasa’s drawing was confirmation for season 2. Don’t wanna get my hopes up. Imma just enjoy what I currently have.

Kinda curious, though. Because Clock Keeper wasn’t Tsukasa’s doing. Maybe he was the one who released Mirai? But tbh I’d prefer if it wasn’t so. Because having more cases of supernaturals going loco without it being one of Tsukasa’s games is interesting, and kinda underlines the need of The Seven Wonders to keep supernaturals in check.

11. Kodama just chilling

12. The Adventures of Minamoto and the Summer Vegetables

You go, Kou! I’m rooting for you oh my God you’re so precious.

And look at that ikemen smile! Him supporting Kou is just top notch sweet y’all I can’t-

Ngl this was the biggest surprise of the episode. Teru finding out that summer vegetables = Nene? Broooooo. Interesting. I don’t think this little addition warrants any changes to their future interaction, so it should be safe. Clever replacement, too, those veggies.

It’s so sweet that Nene delivered those veggies to Kou! Just imagine the Minamoto family having veggies for dinner. Awww.

(Also, Nene wrote her name in hiragana instead of kanji. Is that a reference to how bad Kou is with kanji? Lol, so sweet)

13. The Coda!!!

Look at him. Just look at him. Look how lovesick he is y’all I can’t-

THEY’RE SO ADORABLE.

All in all, I love this episode. Sorry for how long this post is. I’m just dealing with so many feels right now. Gaaahhhhh.

[asteroiideae]

okay, so I don’t make these kinds of posts often because tbh I’m a little lazy and very tired like 24/7 lmao but I’ve been seeing a lot of Pride reading lists hit my dash (and they’re excellent, and I save them all!) buuuut reading books is still a roadblock I’m struggling to mentally overcome -- and audiobooks are great, but they take 84 years (sometimes literally???) to get through. so! I thought I’d share a (very tiny) list of the queer manga I’ve read this year that you might enjoy for Pride, with some descriptions/trigger warnings/thoughts to go with them. so here we go in no particular order other than where they sit on my bookshelf:

What Did You Eat Yesterday? by Fumi Yoshinaga

okay so I know I go on about this manga at literally every presented opportunity, but I honestly just can’t help myself??? as a thirty-something queer adult, I really love the quiet maturity of this relationship between Shiro and Kenji; especially when it’s highlighted by references to shenanigans of their youth, and the ways in which they are still growing as both individuals and a couple. I’ve only read the first six volumes but I’m OBSESSED.

Status: Ongoing (17 volumes; 15 translated) Summary: Shiro and Kenji are an established adult couple with separate careers and interests, whose relationship is depicted over the meals cooked for them by Shiro. This doesn’t have an overarching plot, which might be off-putting for some readers; each chapter can be compared to a fanfic one-shot, usually containing it’s own tiny storyline or theme. It’s literally just domestic moments and meals shared between these men. Warnings: While I didn’t personally have a problem with this, younger readers might find some of the dated terms offensive. If you’ve spent any time with older queer folks (older as in 45-50+) this won’t be anything you aren’t used to, but if your experience of queer folx skews younger or online, you might get taken by surprise. There’s also some internalized homophobia; and by some I mean quite a bit. Shiro’s personal arc (at least in the first six volumes) heavily revolves around how much he closets himself and tries desperately to pass as “normal” in Japanese business culture.

Boys Run The Riot by Keito Gaku

holy shit holy shit holy SHIT. this story is so good??? so VERY good??? I was a little cautious, and a little bit uninterested in a story about teens (only because I’m in my thirties and crave more adult representation,) but I was VERY WRONG to be. Boys Run The Riot is beautifully drawn, beautifully written, and probably my favorite work on this list. the mangaka is also trans so the inherent understanding and nuance of our protagonist’s experience is really lovely. Also featuring a fantastic brotp between a trans boy and his new himbo bestie; no seriously if you want a story about a trans boy getting to have good broships with other boys his own age I CANNOT stress this enough. Volume two is releasing next month; I have it preordered. I’m laying on my floor wishing for time to hurry the fuck up. I need more of this smol angry trans boy and his big soft himbo bff. PLS. Status: Ongoing (4 volumes published; 2 translated) Summary: Ryo Watari is a second year high school student who is trans and struggling to feel comfortable with his very rigidly structured life at school, at home, and among his friends (to whom he is not out.) By chance he meets Jin Sato, a cis boy who also feels outcast (often judged for his appearance without any deeper thought.) When Ryo comes out to Jin in a state of frustration, Jin accepts who Ryo is and makes an offer -- why not start a fashion line that subverts all the expectations that have been put on them both; why not express themselves even when they’ve been told they shouldn’t. Warnings: Ryo is struggling with gender dysphoria, and it is written by someone who has probably experienced it, so it might be a little real for any trans folks who deal with that. Also, while neither the narrative nor Jin misgender Ryo (at least, not once he expresses to Jin that he is a man), Ryo is not out to anyone else and so he frequently is misgendered at school and we see how badly that impacts him and the way he views himself and processes his emotions. Ryo spends a lot of time being angry and trying to swallow it down, and that can be very raw to witness at times. There is also a depiction of unsafe binding (though the mangaka has an immediate note about binding safety, and goes further in-depth at the back of the manga.)

Our Dining Table by Mita Ori

okay, so I was a bit on the fence about whether or not I wanted to include this as a rec, but I decided that it might actually been what someone wants or needs, so here it is! while I really enjoyed this concept, and I’m always a sucker for found family stories (let me tell you I’m queer without telling you I’m queer, much?) it feels like this story is a bit rushed at times, and the romantic relationship between our protagonists is very blink and you’ll miss it. I don’t even want to call it subtle so much as it is just not remotely the focus of the story so it’s a little startling when it happens. but! if you’re looking for a story about adults processing grief and trauma together, and learning how to care for another person (and as a result, learning how to care for themselves,) this is a nice read that isn’t too heavy!  Status: Complete (one volume) Summary: Yutaka is a salaryman whose past experiences prevent him from reaching out to others, even through something so simple as sharing a meal. Despite this is REALLY loves to cook, and wishes he had a reason to do it more often. Then he meets Minoru, and his muuuuuch younger brother Tane (it’s like a 17 year age gap between the brothers?) and finds himself teaching them how to cook, and overcoming his fear of eating in front of others. Warnings: Good news, there’s no overt homophobia in this story! Bad news, the other trauma makes up for it! We have a lot of trauma surrounding parental death, childhood bullying, and adoption; in addition to an actual fear of eating in front of others.

Our Dreams at Dusk / Shimanami Tasogare by Yuhki Kamatani

this is the first manga series I collected, and I’m still very pleased about that. the art is ABSOLUTELY stunning? the use of visual imagery and surreal analogies to explain queerness is fucking on POINT. I cried so hard during a couple of these volumes I developed a migraine. I only have one piece of critique on the whole thing (addressed in the warnings,) and I intend to do another re-read when I’m ready for the catharsis of sobbing into my pillow again. Like Boys Run The Riot, Our Dreams at Dusk is drawn and written by a member of the queer community (a non-binary mangaka, this time,) and as a result it hits pretty fucking close to home in a lot of ways. while I really love this series it’s super not for the faint of heart, you WILL come out of this reading experience with some things to unpack. Status: Completed (4 volumes; 4 translated) Summary: We mostly follow Tasuku Kaname, as he is outted at school by a classmate as being homosexual, and his initial despair and subsequent journey of acceptance. In this process, Tasuku finds himself at a drop-in center, which seems to primarily function as a safe space for queer people; we meet several lesbians, an elderly gay man, a trans character, and a young character who isn’t ready for any kind of label because they are still ??? about themselves and their identity. Each of these “secondary” characters is given room to breathe and to work through difficulties of their own while Tasuku watches and learns that even though life is hard sometimes, there’s beauty to be found in one’s own strength. Warnings: hoooo boy; well there’s all kinds of homophobia and transphobia; a character is outted against their will (multiple times), there’s some really insidious transphobia covered by “concern”, there’s internalized homophobia everywhere, and a very complicated asexual character whose presentation left me (as an ace) with super mixed feelings and a lot of frustration (though I wouldn’t call it bad necessarily; just wanted to put that out there for my fellow asexual folks.) If you have read (or go on to read!) any of these, please let me know! I’d love to chat about the stories, and hear your thoughts on them -- because we’re a broad/diverse community and our own experiences shape us differently and give us different insights. <3 ANYWAY, for those of you who read this monstrous self-indulgent post, thank you! Feel free to add any queer manga you’ve been reading below - I’m always on the hunt for more recs!

[linskywords]

criminal-minds-fanfiction wrote a bunch of questions for authors that you’re supposed to let people ask you, buuuut I felt like answering all of them instead of doing my actual job this afternoon. 😄 Here we go:

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fanfiction?

Like 25 maybe? I started writing about a year after I started reading it. I had a fanfiction-deprived adolescence, y’all.

2) What fandoms do you write for and do you have a particular favourite if you write for more than one?

The hockey boys pulled me in years ago and they haven’t let me go. I do sometimes write other things: I almost always participate in Yuletide, and I’ve actually written a bunch of Animorphs fic under a different name (ask me if you want to see it!). Mostly hockey RPF, though.

3) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

Haha neither. Well, I guess OC’s, if I had to choose -- I don’t read or write reader inserts. But I tend to keep OC’s for original fiction.

4) What is your favourite genre to write for?

I was very confused about fic having genres before I realized this was probably referring to the genre of the canon works. Um...sports. :D

5) If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

Don’t make me choose my favorite child. Um, probably the first wolfverse story -- I don’t know if it’s the best one, but I’m very grateful to it for starting the ‘verse!

6) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

None of them, if that’s an option. If I really had to choose...probably the Kirk/Spock fic I never finished even after uploading it to AO3 and promising to finish it this time. I still want to finish it!! But it would be the first to go.

7) When is your preferred time to write?

I don’t have a strong preference. Afternoon/evening. I like having multi-hour blocks, and I use the Forest app to keep me off my phone while I do it.

8) Where do you take your inspiration from?

Plot bunnies come from all over the place: random thoughts, memes, real-life conversations, suggestions from other fandom people. I tend to have a pretty strong “THIS IS A STORY I WANT TO WRITE” response when something grabs me the right way.

9) In your xxx fic, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote?

Haha this is probably why I’m not supposed to just answer all of these in order. XD I’ll answer for my current WIP: the scene where Geno kisses Sid for the first time. So soft. So angsty. 😈 (My own story has cursed me to love Geno. I am doomed.)

10) In your xxx fic, why did you decide to end it like that? Did you have an alternative ending in mind?

In general: I know how my stories are going to end when they start. Sometimes it does evolve a bit as I write. One thing I’d like to play with is including more of the main characters being together at the end of the story, instead of ending it at the moment when they get together; the latter makes sense from a tension perspective, but I’ve been finding when I read lately that I want more of the happy times at the end, so I’m going to try to move in that direction.

11) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

Only for typos, I think.

12) Who is your favourite character to write for? Why?

Ooooh. Either Patrick Kane or Jonathan Toews. There’s something so compelling to me about Patrick’s fanon voice. And every love interest in every original story I try to write is Jonny.

13) Who is your least favourite character to write for? Why?

I...don’t really write about characters I don’t like? I wish Auston Matthews would shave his mustache.

14) How did you come up with the title for the xxx? - You can ask about multiple stories.

About fifty percent of the titles I come up with are desperate scrambles because I’ve got nothing. The other fifty percent I have a perfect song lyric for from the start.

15) If you write OC’s, how do you decide on their names?

I only write OC’s in original fiction, but: I’ve been phonebanking lately, and I’ve been writing down all the good names I come across. The best so far is someone with the last name Quackenboss.

16) How did you come up with the idea for xxx?

MAGIC.

17) Post a line from a WIP that you’re working on.

Oh...oh no. Um.

“It doesn’t matter what he was thinking about. His knot popped; that’s the important thing.”

Some of you can probably guess what that’s about. :)

18) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

Mostly on my computer. I have a lot of beginnings of stories I haven’t finished yet; many of them I’ll probably go back to. I tend not to post things until I’m done or close to done with them. (That one Star Trek fic being an exception. Mea culpa.)

19) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

YES. The 1988 timer one and the 1988 story where Patrick’s a girl who sneaks onto the Blackhawks in disguise. I’d love to do a Bennguin version of both of those.

20) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

Hm. Some of them I think I rushed a little. More Than I Could Ever Promise, I think it needs a good old-fashioned battle scene in the mountains at the end to really round out the plot.

21) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Have I mentioned astolat? What, only two or three hundred times? I should mention her again, then. Give me that woman’s ability to plot. Inject it into my veins.

22) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

Haha. I often have slightly cringy moments in my old stories. You Made My Life an Adventure, I definitely didn’t really know what I was doing yet...

23) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

I usually listen to music.

24) How do you feel about writing smutty scenes?

Turned on.

25) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

Yes. The sequel to My Heart Forgets to Beat.

26) Which part of your xxx fic was the hardest to write?

The Sid/Geno wolfverse story I’m working on now is maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever written. The language barrier is such a new challenge for me.

27) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

I don’t formally outline, but I tend to have a sense of the major plot beats. One reason I love writing fic is that the plot and world tend to be straightforward enough for that. I have a lot more trouble doing that with original fiction.

28) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fanfiction?

This will radically reduce the amount of time I spend writing original fiction.

29) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

Like You Have a Secret I think is less read than some of the others because it’s het, but I really love it. Similarly, some of my stories that are inspired by other works (Tangled, Doctor Who, The Giver) tend to be read less because people think they need to know the source material, when really I deviate from the source material so much it’s not important.

30) In contrast to 29 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

Huh. Probably not. I’m definitely surprised when some stories take off -- Kinda Narrows It Down I wrote pretty quickly, on a whim, and I was surprised by the extent to which it resonated with people. Turns out lots of people think Tyler was coming out in that tweet. XD

31) Send me a fic recommendation and I’ll post it for my followers to see! (The asker is to send the rec not the answerer)

Ooh. Ignoring the terms of this question, but: I just read this TK/Patty story and loooved it. It’s a different take on werewolves than the one I use in wolfverse, and it’s super compelling:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24029188

32) Are any of your characters based on real people?

Hahahahahaha. (I mean...less so than you might think.)

33) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

I absolutely love it when people write screaming flaily responses to my fic. Also anytime anyone says that they’ve been having a tough time and my story was exactly what they needed. Maybe my favorite was the responses to More Than I Could Ever Promise that told me it read like a novel; that meant a lot to me right then.

34) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

Fandom is amazing; people almost never give me concrit. I did have someone ask once if I randomly chose when to stop writing and just ended my stories there. I was pretty offended, since of course that’s not true at all, but I can see where they were coming from: my stories tend to wrap up after the characters get together, and sometimes there’s a lot of potential story left to tell at that point. But stories have to end sometime.

35) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

I tend to share them! I find other people’s enthusiasm to be strongly motivating, and sometimes people have awesome suggestions I wouldn’t have thought of.

36) Can you give us a spoiler for one of your WIP’s?

Well, I only have the one. XD Sid...is about to have an important conversation with Mario.

37) What’s the funniest story you’ve written?

Ooh, I’m not sure I’m the write person to answer! No idea, really. My recent TK/Patty is probably pretty funny. Or maybe Quality Time, where Patrick doesn’t understand why he keeps losing track of time when he’s cuddling with Jonny. Anything with a super dumb protagonist, probably.

38) If you could collab with any other writer on here, who would it be? (Perhaps this question will inspire some collabs!) If you’re shy, don’t tag the blog, just name it.

Wow, I have no idea. I’ve never really written a story with someone, so I’m not sure how that would work. I want to say astolat again but honestly I’d be too intimidated.

...no, I’m gonna say astolat. Even if I made a fool of myself I think I would learn a ton.

39) Do you prefer first, second or third person?

Third. For some original stuff I like first person, but third feels right for the hockey boys.

40) Do people know you write fanfiction?

My close friends do. Most of my friends have the vague idea I write fic, but they don’t know my username or anything.

41) What’s you favourite minor character you’ve written?

Patrick Sharp. No question.

42) Song fic - What made you decide to use the song xxx for xxx.

I will legit listen to a new album with a doc open to write down promising lyrics. Titles are HARD, y’all.

43) Has anyone ever guessed the plot twist of one of your fics before you posted it?

I think people guessed where the Tangled fic was going. Though I also liked the guesses that it would be about Patrick’s mullet. XD I don’t really mind when people guess twists -- in the kind of story I write, it’s more about the experience of reading it than about surprise!

44) What is the last line you wrote?

“His parents have always been very respectful of any choices Sid’s wanted to make. They haven’t pried into his private life when he’s tried to set boundaries. But they’re wolves, and they know him a lot better than Jordy does. Sid isn’t going to be able to keep it a secret from them what he’s going through.”

...no guarantee it survives in that form. :D

45) What spurs you on during the writing process?

Getting the story out of my head and into reality! Spoon out that lake, baby.

I also do love the prospect of posting it for people to enjoy and respond to. It’s one of the reasons I find fic so much more rewarding than original fiction, where the timeline to a readership is so much longer.

46) I really loved your xxx fic. If you were ever to do a sequel, what do you think might happen in it?

Things, probably.

47) Here’s a fic title - insert a made up title. What would this story be about?

This exercise might be going off the rails a bit. (If anyone does want to pose this to me, feel free!)

48) What’s your favourite trope to write?

Ooh. Mutual pining. Friends to lovers. Werewolves. :D

49) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

The first fic I ever, ever read was a random Kirk/Spock one I found through google, and I was like “OMG IS THIS WHAT AROUSAL FEELS LIKE”

50) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Oh man. Angst, as long as it can have a happy ending. But it just wouldn’t be the same without the smut.

[kiseiakhun]

Fic Writer Interview

I got tagged by @atasteforsuicidal and @do-not-careissa several days ago and LOOK AT ME, I actually remembered to do a tag meme

Name(s): kiseiakhun (tumblr), Kiseia (ao3)

Fandoms: DC. I think I focus mostly on... Titans and Lanterns right now? It depends on my mood tbh. I mean, Titans are forever, but otherwise I jump between which character I Vibe with more at this particular moment. I think most people know me for my Jason Todd writing/Roy Harper meta

Where you post: Ao3, tumblr for little ficlets that I don’t put a lot of thought into. I’ve been meaning to clean them up and toss them on ao3, actually, buuuut I keep forgetting.

Most popular one shot (by kudos): 

overall: take in some oxygen, sad jayroy porn

this year: shove your kiss straight through my chest, aggressive jaykyle porn that involves Kyle brandishing a knife at Jason. I’m very proud of the knife.

Most popular multi-chap (by kudos): 

overall: leave your lights on for me, my jayroykyle wip that actually has the next chapter half-written already, I just need to finish it smh I’m so sorry it’s been so long since my last update ;;

this year: ^ same thing

Favourite story you’ve written so far: drive home to you. It’s mostly an excuse to have an angstfest, but a lot of the story is drawn from things that I’ve witnessed in my own life. Amidst the comments yelling at me for making them sad, there’s a couple peppered in from people who feel Seen in a way that they usually don’t find in fiction. And, you know, I get that. The reason I write is because I’m not finding the types of stories that I want to read.

Plus, for someone who writes mostly pwp, it’s validating to know I still have the skills to make people cry.

Fic you were nervous to post: Hmmmm. HMMM. I would say... oceans between us. Which I meant to finish when I posted it but, smh. The second part is lying around in my wips somewhere. I put a LOT more effort into this fic than I usually do, and I was scared that some elements might not come across the way I’d intended. It’s the first fic that I actually sought out a beta for.

How do you choose your titles?: Sometimes I’d already have a title in mind, or at least a theme that I wanted it to encompass. Like, for leave your lights on for me, I knew I wanted to touch on the element of light, because Kyle was the torchbearer and it’s told from his pov, and like... he’s agonizing over Jason and Roy’s relationship, whether the lights are still on, if he can enter that door. ... more often, though, I finish a fic, go, fuck, and flip through songs until I find a line that can work as a title.

Do you outline?: When I do outline, it’s very loose. For longer works, I do this thing where I sketch out a few scenes that hit the emotional high notes, and then I go in and fill the blanks around them. I... should outline more. It’s a skill that needs practice, but ughhhhh outlines hard ):

Complete: 12

In-progress: 4 on ao3, plus countless wips

Coming soon/not yet started: Hoooooboy. Uhhhh. Okay, let’s see here...

There’s a Kyle/f!Wally fic that’s like. God. 50? 55% done? And it’s already at 30k words. This fucking fic right here would be the reason why I abruptly stopped posting btw, because I thought it would be a SHORT THING for me to get girl Wally out of my system. Smh. Smh!!

Hal/f!Kyle fic where they’re vampire hunters

Stars and Constellations, fab 5 as teen/young adult delinquents. I’ve got one spaqua oneshot up on my ao3 but the main story is... much more involved. And less sexy.

JayKyle except they’re girls and it’s gay. I have like?? Two more scenes to write??? But unfortunately I have no idea wtf those two scenes are so it’s simmering on the backburner for now

So many wips for ttgb. SO MANY.

and many many many other wips that I don’t want to mention in case I get peoples hopes up >.>

Prompts: I mean, people can send them, but generally I have enough of my own projects to keep me busy. There are some prompts in my inbox that I still want to respond to. Unfortunately, I have the memory of a goldfish and my brain is a goddamn sieve

Upcoming work you’re most excited about: The fucking Kyle/f!Wally fic that’s been plaguing me for months. I know it’s not going to garner that much interest because it doesn’t involve any Bats but I... love them. Also pls I’ve been working on it for so long, I just want to be Free

No-pressure tags: I think everyone I know has already been tagged before me, because I’m the slowest ever to respond to these things... oh, @crimeronan this seems like something that would be Your Shit

Edit: also @stvlti ❤️

[mrsmurphtang]

So I wrote some stuff. Currently on chapter 12 but it'll keep going until I decide I want it to finish 😂

All chapters available on AO3 buuuut thought I'd post one a day on Tumblr too ;).

Drabble Series the Lives and Deaths of Remus Lupin.

Part I.

Remus was four the first time he died. When he became Remus, not Remi or un bach, because it was serious. When his mam stopped singing in the kitchen and his da became cold and distant, and he didn't understand because he was four and all he knew was everything hurt and people kept crying. 

He had been dead, he found out later. 3 whole minutes off this plane of existence. In his darker days he sometimes wondered if it shouldn't have been forever. Especially when his survival seemed to have caused so much pain. 

According to medical science, both muggle and wizard, Remus shouldn't have survived. He was sliced from neck to groin, his chest shredded to ribbons. The blood he lost stained the floorboards - they had to be replaced. 200 years those floorboards had survived, only to be taken out by 2 litres of child's blood. Now the small bedroom had cheap lino, sticky and cold on your feet. A constant reminder of what happened. 

5 months in St Mungos. A special ward. Because a monster can't be let out in public, especially in 1964.  Chained to the bed as pain - unimaginable, agonising pain - ripped through every inch of his body. Begging, pleading for someone to help. 

But he was dangerous. Tiny, four year old, skinny little Remus was dangerous. His big amber eyes wide, filling with tears, pleading with a small voice in Welsh and English and a mix of the two to the healers who stood by his bedside until the pain really took hold, until his skin started stretching and tearing and everything turned into white hot agony. And he could remember nothing except the burning, and he'd wake up with healers shaking their heads, saying it was a shame he had survived, a tragedy, his poor mother, his depressed alcoholic father. 

So Remus thought sometimes, especially in those early days, that it would be better if Greyback had finished the job. Or, in his particularly dark days, that it would have been better to join the werewolves. 

Of course, that never would have happened. His transformation was a direct act of revenge against his father. A direct retaliation for the policies put in place under his tenure. He wasn't even wanted by the man - monster his father called him, but young Remus didn't want to call him a monster, because then that meant he was a monster - that turned him. 

Once, in a fit of melancholic self-loathing, Remus had asked his father, his da, if he could take him to where the werewolf pack had last been spotted. In hindsight, this may have been when his relationship with Lyall was completely shattered beyond repair. Even at 6 years old, Remus knew what he'd done was beyond forgivable. His father had turned a sickly, dead shade of grey, sworn at length in Welsh, and disappeared for a week. 

Hope had cried. Cried so much Remus had worried she'd flood the world, like Isis flooded the Nile with her tears for Osiris. His mother had always told him stories from mythology, regardless of culture. A romantic at heart, she loved the stories of heartbreak and undying love, even in the face of death himself. 

And perhaps, Remus reflected, on his 16th birthday as he drank the cheap beer Sirius had pilfered from a muggle off-licence with a few charming words and utterly un-Gryffindor slight of hand, his fate had always been written as a tragedy, as a life filled with loss and pain and disappointment. 

But looking into those sparkling granite eyes, brain fogged with cheap booze and teenage lust, Remus thought perhaps it didn't have to be all bad. 

[grilledcheezer]

Here’s to hoping none have been chosen (also dunno if I’ve asked already BUT) 13, 16, and 20 for the asks :)

AHAA you’re good!!! Thank you for the asks!!💕💕 This’ll definitely be an essay, callin’ it now dskfjdskfj 13. How do you come up with your titles?

OOP so I kinda sorta answered part of this in another ask (I cheated a bit there LMAO) but here goes!! She a long ramble, baby. For The Truth Hurts, it was very much a spur-of-the moment, random decision that wasn’t very deep to be honest!! The story was actually supposed to be a one-shot so I just picked a title I thought sounded good for a truth serum-related fic, and left it at that. It was supposed to have like, MAX 2 chapters LMAO (which is why you can see the chapters grow from under 1k to like...6k as it goes on, aha). ANYWAYS I think the title unintentionally grew to work with it pretty well!! Basically: it references both the fact that the truth serum physically hurts Varian when he rejects it, and, well, the emotional pain hurts as well (finding out Cass was really just using him, and all the shiz ZT’s pulling with the dream shenanigans there as well that he’s come to accept as “reality”).  For Cracked, this one’s fun hehe. Soooo I came up with the title based on a thing I was doing for fun while writing it sdakalasd. Uhhh basically, I scattered the word “cracked” (or “crack”, any variation of it really) throughout the fic for different instances. So so far I’ve used it to represent small turning points for Var & Cass...1.Varian’s shackles break apart (Cassandra’s last display of sanity/sympathy), 2.Varian gets thrown against the wall, Cassandra’s descent into madness begins, as well as the loss of her own shackles (“So I chose to lose my doubts & lose my chains, lose each weakness that remains”, hehe), 3.Cassandra cracks (gives in completely to the moonstone)…there’s quite a few in there and some more to come!! In the grand scheme of things, the title/word represents Cass’ mental state (losing her grip), Var’s physical state (he be broken ;)), as well as the moonstone itself cracking. There’s a few more reasons that have yet to be used, though, but that’s the basic gist of it!! So yeah, just been having fun with some double meanings there!! XD 

(This part I’m copy & pasting from the other ask since I answered it before!!)

Titles for an upcoming thing: basically, I’m working on a fic series and each of the “book” titles is a weird mix of two things: a song lyric and a reference to an Edgar Allen Poe work. The titles are also meant to be a reference to elements, if that makes sense? So water, fire, air...along with themes attributed to them and how they relate to the characters’ growth and personal relationships (current status quo, and such).

16. How much of your personal life do you put into fics?

Euhhh...I’m surprised to say that I don’t think anything personal, per se, has made its way into anything I’ve posted yet. At least, not that I’ve noticed! XD I think the closest thing so far was writing Var facing his “actions” (albeit in a twister manner) and just increasingly spiral into a mindset of this is all my fault (that part I can mega relate to). I've been avoiding tapping too deep into my life when I write fic (for personal reasons aha) buuuut it’ll definitely be a happenin’ soon oopsies. 

20. What story that you have written makes you the happiest to re-read? This one’s hard aha. I don’t normally reread my stuff unless I’m editing or need to for continuity’s sake, soooo I guess if the question is more which one I’m proudest of...I’d go with the Variantology Drabbles!! I usually mega suck at prompts (most of the time they’re far too restricting for my liking) but I took some fun creative liberties with ‘em, and I’m...kinda proud of the way they (so far, at least) actually manage to connect with one another as a larger narrative? XD 

[smellycinnamonthundahfudge]

twas tagged by both @parallelmarvel and @tare8chan. i actually cant believe i was hhaha i’m aiming to be the legit writer worthy of this tag game other writers participated in. think u for thanking of meh 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Author Name: smellycinnamonthundahfudge on tumblr, AND JUST IN, I’M petertheparkerpus_mjmonogram ON AO3 YALLLSSSS. I FINALLY CAME THEEERREEE YYAAAYYYYY

Fandom You Write For: predominantly mcu’s spideychelle. (i also wrote tz stuff back then heh). but, i have also written (but not posted) for hiccstrid, got, darejones, simmosa, incredibles 2, and bughead hahaha.

Where You Post: i started on tumblr, so literally all of the works i wanted to share are on here. buuttt, like i said, I JUST GOT AN AO3 ACCOUNT YALLSSS. i’ve posted my first pj fics on there for now, but i havent posted em all yet so i am now beginning the process of importing em. im excited :’’’)))

Most Popular One-Shot: Take Flight (peter & mj’s flight home from the ffh trip, click for a nervous jelly peter hehehe)

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: hhmmm, ok, so i’m not even sure if it classifies as a multi-chapter haha but i think so cus i wrote them as a continuous story in mind haha. i posted the “chapters” separately but i like to imagine it was just one story, Safehouse Sleepovers (consists of Safehouse, Safehouse Singalongs, and Hot chocolate). it’s my only multi-chapter story (not even sure if it classifies as one haha) so de facto most popular one hahaha. oh and it’s essentially a canon compliant post ffh fic bout pj bonding in the parkers’ safehouse hehe. (oh but i guess maybe the newly named airports could also be considered multi-chapter, is 2 chaps enough to call it that? haha so dunno maybe i take back the only mc story thing haha. it’s still the more popular one tho cus airports i wrote before ffh even came out haha)

Favorite Story You Wrote:  oof this is a hard one... ooohhh, i feeelll like i gotta, just gotta go with 5 + 1 gifts and Just Breathe cus they’re just so precious 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 but tbh i luv all of em. just as whole fics, they seem better to me haha

Story You Were Nervous to Post: ALL BRUHHH i mean im just not that confident with my works yet haha. buttt the one i was rlly the most nervous about was Home for the Holidays cus it was my first time writing with an actual person in mind to write it for haha. plus, it was the first fic i wrote after pj month so oof gods was i rusty by the time i wrote it hahaha haaysst. i think it was ok enough tho. plus they said it was good so yay. im just glad i actually did it haha.

How Do You Choose Your Titles: eh just whatevs i feel is catchy and is a good concise nice indicator of the plot heh. hhmm i feel like i usually come up with titles during the brainstorming process for the fic, like before actually writing it or while writing it.

How Many of Your Stories Are:

Complete: if im counting the “chapters” i mentioned earlier as one story each, then probs round 24. i say probs cus there’s some fics i wrote somewhere, where i feel like i finished em but i dont have access to them currently so im not 100 if it’s complete by my standards or nah haha

In-Progress: hhhhmmm im not sure if it’s write to call these in-progress. i’d rather call em unfinished, like i have 16 unfinished stories, or just written out story outlines. im not sure if i should call em in progress cus im not sure if i even still rlly plan to finish em, yknow? haha like they really are genuinely fun interesting n creative story ideas n plans thus far, i feel. but i just- lazy, yknow? haha i have to build up to writing a story for A LOONGG TIME haha

Coming Soon: hehehehe. technically it’s completed already, all i have to do is just make the post on tumblr hehe (as of the moment i wrote this post). im so excited for yalls to read The Bathroom hihihi <333

Upcoming Story You’re Most Excited to Write: oofff im not even sure if im actually gonna wind up writing these buuuut, dancing pj still seems so cute n pure n fun. and also, in addition to the countless other aus my annoying brain came up with on pj month, my brain annoyingly got even more fic ideas rolling around it now:

a moulin rouge au (peter’s the famous singer/dancer known as the spider-man who attracts men and women alike in the famous moulin rouge run by liz toomes with a gallery of other colorful rogues, heroes, villains, and just other sorts of attractive characters based on the comicbooks of old. mj is a young new budding writer looking to gain world experience to write about. she winds up in the moulin rouge, meets the infamous spider-man and gets to know the kind man behind the alluring and mysterious mask. im imagining tom’s lsb, laura’s hollywood, and z’s halloween euphoria ep costume for the aesthetic im going for haha. im still torn on whether to keep the og ending or not hahahaha)

maybe a friends with benefits fic. where it’s not so angsty or full of drama. and genuinely just keeping it cool and chill til they inevitably just decide to actually get together/stay friends. it’s all up in the air and they’ll figure it out when they figure it out.

producers inspired, roommates au. the kdrama did the trope well and it made me want to see it applied to my two dorks 🥺🥺🥺🥺 

lastly, a first time fic for our two dorky virgins hahaha. i kinda like the idea of them planning out their first time to the most minute of details and just the actual process of figuring out what they want to do n stuff haha just seems real cute to me 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Do You Accept Prompts: hahahhaha look, i’m never one to say no ok? i mean, if i just straight up say no, im possibly saying no to potential ideas that are so inspiring i wind up writing it immediately. so yes, i’d like to say im willing to accept prompts. however, there is absolutely no guaranteed follow up and for that i’m sorry. i can just never know how i’ll react to an idea so there ya go. that’s my honest response haha.

im taggin the fic writers ive read over the years that havent been tagged by the ones that tagged me. hold my juice box. @spideymjlove @jediparkers @itsjacobperalta @thatsnicebutimmarried @bookishandbossy @thefudge @galaxy-parker @spideychelle-romanogers @spiders-n @petty-parker  @smalltreenergy @dead-end-street @softboyholland @mamgt @justanotherfangirlpassingthrough @machiavelien @peterjonesparker @blaisezabini @thegreenwomanswalkman @crazy4dragons @dragonydreams @attachedtomybookshelf @haddocksortails @dyannehs @funkytoes @jenni41 @rebelcaptaindaily @starxdust22​ no presh obvi. just thought dis might peak yalls interest. thanks for all that you’ve writtteeennnn 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 🥺🥺🥺🥺 (btw some of yalls might have just written hcs for all i know, i literally dunno anymore, but like i said iz nbd. just also wanted to give my thanks since im not entirely sure i was able to do so before)

[five-wow]

Hi, I'm a fellow writer in the fandom and I admire your work. I wanted to ask, as a popular writer, do you get fixated sometimes on the number of kudos/comments/hits etc that your new work gets, and does this impact your motivation/inspiration? I think comparison is the thief of joy, and I really want to get over this feeling when I post my own work, so was wondering if even popular and regular writers such as yourself feel like this to, and if , what's your secret? Thanks!

Hi! 1) You are so sweet, ahh, and 2) YES, I DO. Gosh, yes, I absolutely do get insecure about those kinds of things, and I think that anyone who says they don't ever feel that way is either lying (to themselves, possibly) or maybe just pure magic, like some cross between a writer and a unicorn.

I love ao3 and I love all of its metrics and I love numbers and statistics, but there’s definitely that shadow side where having all of that easily available makes it deceptively easy to compare your own work to other people’s. I do it all the time! It honestly makes it a little hard for me at times to read h50 fic and fully enjoy it, because I keep... looking at it and wondering how my own stacks up against it, unwillingly. That's not a relaxing experience, and sometimes not even a very fun one. (Another part of it is that I just write SO MUCH for h50 and there is SO MUCH I still want to write, and I don’t want to risk reading something that’s very close to an idea I had and then never being quite sure if what I write after that was influenced by the other person’s work or if it’s really still my idea, because I have this (pretty irrational) fear of accidentally stealing someone else’s work even though one of the really great things about fandom is that it’s a very collaborative process as a whole and being inspired by other people’s stuff is usually totally okay, buuuut that’s a different rambly story.)

And I definitely do also get... some cringey feelings, hardcore, around fics I posted that don't do very well numbers-wise. Sometimes it's expected - fic that doesn't follow traditional formats or doesn't feature Steve/Danny, for example, is always something where I KNOW it won't get as much attention because I know how fandom works and that lessens the sting because it doesn't HAVE to hold up to those other fics that perform way better, because I already know it's not really comparable. The truth is, of course, that most fic is not really comparable to other fic, but it’s easy to fall into that trap anyway. If I post something that seems like my average kind of work and it gets less kudos or comments than usual, I do start to doubt the fic and second-guess myself - is something about this weird? Is it too [insert quality x]? Is it bad? Did I unknowingly do something terrible and people are now avoiding me? The answer to all of those is probably no, and going through it a bunch of times has definitely helped, because what usually happens is that I end up somewhat avoiding the fic in question because it makes me a little ashamed and awkward to think about it (a relative failure! oh no! I'm human!) and then, eventually, I return and reread the fic. By that point I have enough distance from it in time that I can look at it a lot more objectively, and it's way easier to see what works and what does not than when I posted it and I had just read it a dozen times in twenty-four hours and the words were burned into my brain. And upon that reread, inevitably, I realize that, holy shit, it was NOT AS BAD as I had made it out to be in my mind! It’s actually kind of fun! Imagine the ego boost of realizing your most cringy recent work is actually pretty okay, haha, and it's silly, but it's a revelation every time. The quality of a fic is not dictated by how many people read it or comment on it or like it, and intellectually I absolutely know that, but it’s hard to remember when it’s about yourself and you’re still in that emotionally vulnerable place of having just shared your work with the world and it feels like the world is not as into it as you thought (or hoped) it’d be. It’s honestly very, very reassuring to have those experiences to fall back on, but sadly the only way I know to get there is to just tough it out and feel super awkward for a while.

When I’m writing, on the other hand, I usually don’t really think about what other people might think of it. I have the advantage that (pretty much) all of my work consists of fairly short stand alone stories, which means I don’t have to struggle with keeping my motivation up for a second chapter of something but I get to start fresh every time, and that’s nice, because I can just lose myself in the joy of throwing words around and making characters do things that make me giggle. That’s not to say I never think of the outside world while writing - I realized, pretty recently, that I occasionally end up constructing paragraphs or pieces of dialogue a certain way mostly so it will make for a good excerpt to put in the eventual fic description, which might give me a sense of accomplishment because it’s nice when things work out and look good, but in all fairness it’s probably far more motivated by attempts to package the finished work attractively so other people will want to click on it than by anything else. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I don’t think so - I don’t feel like it lessens my work and it doesn’t interrupt my enjoyment of it in the moment, which are the key elements for me - but other people might disagree.

But the heart of thing is, just, there are SO MANY factors that influence a fic’s numbers, and not all of them are visible (I’d argue most of them aren’t, in fact), and it always helps me to keep that in mind. It puts things in perspective somewhat and softens the harshness of a black and white kudo count judgment. Numbers can depend on when you post a fic (what day of the week, time of the year, time relative to big fandom moments, whether you’re in the middle of a global pandemic or not), how you pick your title, what you put in the description, how you use the tags, what genres or tropes are popular in your specific fandom, the genre of your fic in general (pwp as a rule tends to get lots of hits and few kudos or comments, for example, making it totally unfair to compare it to G-reated fluff fic with super different ratios), how much you’ve posted before (because if someone likes one of your works, they’re often likely to check if you have more in the same fandom), how many fics other people post around the same time (because yours might be gone from the first page of most recently updated works in a fandom or ship tag very quickly if others push it out), how big your fandom is(!!!) (over two thirds of my works on ao3 are for h50, but h50 only makes it into the top 10 of my most kudo’d works by the skin of its teeth) and definitely also what your fandom’s culture is like (compared to a lot of other fandoms, h50 fans are a-ma-zing when it comes to leaving comments, my gosh, and as a writer I adore all of you), how old your ao3 account is (the longer you’ve been around, the more likely a higher number of people is subscribed to you as an author or has read your previous work or has encountered your name, etc), how long your fic is (under a thousand words in my experience generally does less well than 1-5k, but longer fics might end up with lots of chapters which switches things up because people come back to it when there’s an update, and even if a long work is all in one chapter it will probably stand out for the wordcount and might attract attention that way, etc), whether or not your fic is part of a series (in my experience it will probably get more hits because it’s a chain of fics that leads you to the next one, but the kudos might not go up at the same rate because people might forget a kudo or reread previous works when a new one is added), whether you make a habit of commenting on other people’s fic (I’ve had comments saying MY comment on their work led them to my fic!), if you have social media like Tumblr or Twitter where you can promote your work (it’s advertising, basically), and any of a bunch of random little other factors. Sometimes, I see a sudden little cluster of kudos on an old fic in the daily ao3 kudos email, and I assume someone somewhere maybe recced that fic, but it usually remains a total mystery who or where or even if it happened at all and wasn’t just a weird coincidence to begin with. Sometimes the thing a fic’s popularity depends on is really just whether it clicks with people at that point in time, whatever that means, which is an even more impossible thing to grasp or predict than anything else.

Or you can look at things from a totally different angle and not try to make yourself care less about numbers, but just accept that you do because you’re human and we all crave validation, and instead try to roll with that. A brain hack: when I do start getting down about numbers, it also helps me to focus on one work and just... try to visualise what those kudo (or hit or bookmark or comment) counts mean, if you were to translate them to the real world. While it can be super helpful to remember that there’s a LOT going on that you can’t see and that’s virtually impossible to really explain, it’s also nice to somewhat do the opposite and try to make things as concrete as possible instead. I like measuring in school classes (~25-30 heads, I’d say) and “my fic only has fifty kudos but this other person’s has ten times as many” could easily make anyone sad and demotivated, but “my fic has fifty kudos and that’s TWO WHOLE CLASSROOMS packed full of people that all read my work and liked it so much they wanted to give me a little thumbs up for it” is actually pretty cool and encouraging, I think. Or you could measure in sports teams (I don’t know sports, but soccer has 11 players on the field per team, so as soon as your fic has 33 kudos that’s three teams which means you’ve got yourself a little beginning league! how exciting!) or in DnD campaigns (variable of course, but most of mine have had around four players plus a DM, so if you have twenty kudos? that’s FOUR WHOLE DnD campaigns that enjoyed reading your fic, and it’s fully up to you how many half-orcs that includes). You could apply this method using literally any other measurement that works for you, too. If you have a hard time painting a mental image of numbers, you could even open up a Paint doc or get a piece of paper and start counting out little dots or copy-pasted images of a person, or get a big bag of physically present M&Ms and count them out, or take a good look at your dog and then go around the neighborhood and collect forty-nine more dogs and pile them all into your home and be slightly frightened by the utter delighted fluffy chaos that ensues in your living room. That’s how many people liked your fic! That’s a heck of a lot of wagging tails! Who knew a kudo could bark this loudly!

Disclaimer: maybe keep the dog thing as your very last resort, because your neighbors might not be super into their pet getting dognapped for the purpose of visualizing fanfiction stats. The point is really just to remember that there’s an actual person behind every kudo you get, no matter what the cumulative number is, and even if you have seven or five or three kudos, that’s seven or five or three very real people that hit that button. That’s pretty damn awesome. Also keep in mind how you feel if you read a fic, and take some time to realize that every single person that left you a kudo went through that same process of spending time reading words (the words you wrote!) and experiencing that story and THAT’S why they left that kudo. It’s a real person’s real investment.

This ended up very long and rambly, so tl;dr: You are in no way alone in feeling that way, it's okay and normal and so very very human to feel like that, but you still shouldn't let it get you down, because numbers fake being meaningful very well but are deep down just little squiggles on your screen and they’re more scared of you than you are of them, while at the same time there are real individuals that enjoy your work even if you usually never see them. Your fic is worth posting. That’s the one factor in all of this that’s a constant, not a variable.

(And as a very important sidenote, just be kind to yourself, always. Does it truly stress you out? Are you feeling really bad about it today? Does it make your anxiety spike? Then give yourself room to take a little step back and allow yourself some time away from it. Go watch something you enjoy, or read something nice, or do something else that makes you feel good. Fic is something that should add to your life, not subtract from it. You don’t owe anyone anything, not even yourself in this context, and I used to push myself occasionally to get something finished TODAY, and eventually I started realizing, well, why? Why not instead of reading it over again just get some sleep or watch an episode of something I want to watch, especially if I literally just finished the fic and I feel a little unsure about it and it might actually be beneficial to me and my own feelings about it if I just give it a day or even a week and let it rest and then look at it again and THEN post it, if I want to, whether that’s with some changes beforehand or not? Who set me that deadline that’s apparently looming over me? I did, and it’s fake, and it’s there for absolutely no good reason. Breathe. Put yourself first. Be really really really selfish about your own fic writing experience, even, because it’s supposed to be something you enjoy (that’s what a hobby is!), and the rest is secondary.)

[theyearoftheking]

Book Eighteen: Rage (A Bachman Book)

“Maybe he had forgotten or never knew that little boys grow up remembering each blow and word of scorn, that they grow up and want to eat their fathers alive.” 

As you can see, it’s day bajillion and fifteen of the quarantine, so I thought I’d break up the Bachman books into individual (but shorter) posts. I’m reading out of a book that lumps four of the five Bachman books together into one collection, so it feels like cheating to count each individual story as a seperate book, but it does say, “four early novels” on the front, so I’m going to count each one, and get caught up on my Goodreads goal. Yeah... I just admitted to that... we’ve unlocked a whole new level of nerd, I fear. 

I think we all know Richard Bachman was an alias Steve used to publish some “meh” books. I did enjoy his author blurb, “Bachman was a fairly unpleasant fellow who was born in New York and spent about ten years in the merchant marine after four years in the Coast Guard. He ultimately settled in rural central New Hampshire. where he wrote at night and tended to his medium-sized dairy farm during the day. The Bachmans had one child, a boy, who died in an unfortunate accident at the age of six (he fell through a well cover and drowned). Three years ago a brain tumor was discovered near the base of Bachman’s brain; tricky surgery removed it. And he died suddenly in February of 1985...”

It’s got to be fun to write an author bio about your alias. Give it a try. Mine would read as follows: “Rebecca Jay was born in California in 1990, and grew up on the beaches of sunny San Diego. When it came time for college, the allure of east coast winters and seeing snow was too great, and she attended college at the University of Maine. She received a degree in journalism, and moved to Chicago where she met her husband; a successful financier from an affable family. After a whirlwind courtship, they married and had five children. Rebecca works from home as a writer, and splits her time between Portland, Maine; and Minoqua, Wisconsin. She and her husband can be found traveling the globe with their brood of shockingly brilliant, bohemian children: Poppy, Maisie, Cash Jackson, Sanger, and Sawyer (twins!). 

I don’t know. I just threw that together. The idea of me having five children in this current state of affairs would push me straight into full-blown alcoholic territory. But it was fun to think about the amazing alternate life my alias is living. Buuuut this actual life is pretty cool too. I mean... I’ve spent the past twelve days not having to put on a bra or wear real pants (sup, leggings? The real MVP of the Coronavirus!), I get to finally catch up on all the Netflix garbage I haven’t had time for (Love is Blind is terrible. Of course I’m obsessed), I’m forced to eat healthy meals at home, I have no excuses for not working out, and I get to spend lots of time with my roommates, who I love dearly. 

Ok, so Rage. 

Rage is a weird-ass story that combines The Breakfast Club, with Lord of the Flies, and some Stephen King darkness. It’s bizarre, but compulsively readable. It was slow to start, but really took off about 20 pages in. It’s the story of high school student, Charlie Decker who takes a classroom hostage with a gun he brought to school. It lacks the terror most associate with high school shootings, and instead his classroom of hostages end up having honest conversations with one another, and breaking down the impressions they have of each other (like I said, Breakfast Club shit). At one point, a hostage leaves to go to the bathroom, and ends up voluntarily coming BACK to the classroom, instead of fleeing. 

Charlie himself is a troubled kid, who just a few weeks ago got in trouble for beating a teacher in the head with a pipe wrench. When he explains why he did it, the whole classroom of hostages empathize. Like I said, it’s weird, but it’s an interesting twist on the hostage/school shooting topic. 

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room... if I hadn’t known this was Steve writing under a pen name, would I have known it was really him? Yes. But also, maybe no. Here’s my take:

1. Steve tried to disguise his writing style by using short, choppy chapters instead of the long prose he’s known for. 

2. The novel itself is very short, unlike the tomes Steve typically pens.

3. How many authors set their psychological horror novels in Maine? Dead giveaway.

4. Steve tends to re-use turns of phrase, or images quite often. One of those turns of phrase is, “blue chambray work shirt”. How many other authors out there have characters wearing these hideous shirts? Not many. Just sayin! 

Kudos to the Bangor Daily News for catching onto the whole Steve is Bachman! fiasco. 

No Dark Tower references, because “Richard” doesn’t understand about all things serving The Beam. But there was one Wisconsin reference, “She took a Polaroid picture of it to sending to Uncle Tom, who lives in Wisconsin.” 

All and all, this was a quick, strange little read. Next up is The Long Walk, which my husband is still raving about, years after having read it. 

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 15

Total Dark Tower References: 12

Book Grade: C

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

The Talisman: A+

Different Seasons: A+

The Shining: A-

The Stand: A-

Skeleton Crew: B+

The Dead Zone: B+

‘Salem’s Lot: B+

Carrie: B+

Creepshow: B+

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

Danse Macabre: B-

The Gunslinger: C+

Pet Sematary: C+

Firestarter: C+

Rage: C

Cujo: C-

Nightshift: C-

Christine: D

Keep social distancing, washing your hands, and living that quarantine life, Constant Readers.

Until next time, Long Days & Pleasant Nights,

Rebecca

[yewphoric]

and for the More Fandom Askes: JoJo for fandom, Sasunaru for ship, aaaaaaaand Jotaro for character!

oh ho ho I’m very excited to answer these :3c I’m gonna put them under the cut though since this will be... long! I hope I do the cut right also cuz I don’t know how to use tumblr and it shows

JJBA

Favorite character: Jotaro! I like him a whole lot......

Least Favorite character: Not really sure I have one ngl? There’s nobody I can’t stand seeing or anything

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Jotaro/Kakyoin, Fugo/Giorno, Jotaro/Weather Report, Jolyne/Hermes, Dio/Pucci

Character I find most attractive: Aggh a lot of them are. So pretty. but probably Jolyne because I’m endlessly predictable

Character I would marry: JOLYNE... I wish she was real I’d marry her in a heartbeat

Character I would be best friends with: Hmm, probably Josuke! He’s very friendly and I’d like to be his friend

A random thought: I can’t wait for the new jjl chapter.....soon.......

An unpopular opinion: Joshu isn’t that bad, you’re supposed to not like him. He’s comic relief and basically nothing more, and people should spend more time laughing about his antics instead of shitting on him cuz It Gets Old

My Canon OTP: Koichi and Yukako... is Good

My Non-canon OTP: Jotakak.............

Most Badass Character: Definitely Jotaro but there are some very honorable runner-ups

Most Epic Villain: Dio is way too iconic not to mention, but Kira and Pucci come damn close

Pairing I am not a fan of: I’m not super big on Fugo/Narancia! It’s valid and I have nothing against the ship or shippers but it’s just not for me ig!

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): I think Avdol could have been much cooler if Araki decided to give him a backstory and more screentime! 

Favourite Friendship: Kakyoin and Polnareff..... I love that Kak just throws all his brain cells out the window when he talks to Polnareff. They’re so funny

Character I most identify with: Jotaro but I’m not sure how much of that is me projecting onto him. Also Kakyoin and Fugo

Character I wish I could be: Johnny probably? I like his personality and his drive. Wish I could be half as motivated as that man

---

Sasunaru

When I started shipping them: Oh man, I can’t really say for sure, since I highkey hated Sasuke at first... probably after Sasuke left the village cuz that’s when Naruto started acting real gay

My thoughts: They Hit Different Bro... they’re one of Those Ships. I love it a lot man they make my heart ache... they’re basically soulmates like bro what else can I say

What makes me happy about them: Their personalities match so well... the fact that they do end up back as friends by the end of Shippuden is very nice

What makes me sad about them: the Angst... Sasuke leaving the village really drove a wedge into their friendship and Naruto’s constant longing for him to come back and determination to be the one to kill him after he finds out that Konoha put out orders to kill him is. Very Sad.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: I’m not a big fanfic person so I can’t really say? I haven’t read any bad sns fics so far

Things I look for in fanfic: Again I’m not super big on fanfic buuuut I’ve yet to see a fic where Sasuke is gay/ace and since that’s a big hc of mine. I Would Like To See It.

My wishlist: ??? Not really sure what this means and Naruto is long over by now so, nothing really?

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I would have preferred it if Naruto and Sakura ended up together tbh. Sasuke doesn’t really give me the vibes of marrying At All if it wasn’t Naruto, so him not ending up with anyone would have been just fine by me

My happily ever after for them: Literally just them Being Together is good enough for me bro. Canon sns would have been excellent

---

Jotaro

How I feel about this character: Big Love. probably one of my favorite characters of all time ok he means An Lot to me at the moment

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: (in order from super duper like to kinda vibe with,) Kakyoin, Weather Report, Polnareff (post p3), Rohan, Anasui

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: His friendship with Koichi is really valid... he really walked into Morioh and adopted that polite boy almost instantly

My unpopular opinion about this character: Not sure how unpopular this is but I think that nerfing him for parts 4 and 6 was not only necessary but completely realistic and justified. He was past his prime and canonically had never used the time stop since his fight with Dio!! And in part 6 it’d been Even Longer and he’s also 40 now so you can’t blame him for being Bad At It... leaf him alone

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I WISH. I wish there was at least one small arc in p4 where Jolyne was in Morioh. It’s probably super inconvenient to the plot but like. Dadtaro with tiny Jolyne please... Josuke could even babysit her.... it’d be so cute why didn’t this happen :pensive:

Favorite friendship for this character: Probably Kakyoin! Yes I also ship them romantically but like. Shipping aside, Kakyoin’s the crusader that Jotaro gets along the best with... they are Epic

My crossover ship: I’m so glad you put Jotaro on here because I can legally say Jotavlis (Jotaro/Ivlis from The Gray Garden). it started out as a joke but quickly became not a joke. Stan Jotavlis