#I was bawling my eyes out because I felt so guilty about even thinking of having someone else take care of him

[jellypawss]

I’m going to be very transparent for a sec. I’ve had two alcohol induced psychosis events happen to me in the past week where I attempted to harm myself and ended up talking to police officers. I’m a recovering alcoholic that tries really really hard but keeps relapsing. I’ve tried AA and therapy and nothing is helping because they keep telling me to look for “my higher power” and I’m not gonna lie, in my opinion, that shit is wack. I’m struggling a lot and faith is the last thing on my mind. Anyways, I wanted to make this post to thank y’all for being one of the main sources of happiness and support for me. I don’t get a lot of people outside of this community that reach out to me when im hurting so im very grateful to have y’all in my silly little phone. I promise I will be back to making mods and what not soon but I’ve been really enjoying making music, it feels almost therapeutic. But yeah, thanks for being here for me y’all. I love you guys.

[forever-fixating]

RWRB Appreciation Month Bingo: First Family

For @rwrbsource and @rwrbmovie's RWRB Appreciation Month Bingo: First Family

First Family

Author's Note: All opinions are valid, but as someone raised by a working single mom, I find some of the fandom interpretations of Ellen disheartening. I felt compelled to write this, given all the bullshit swirling around in the news about Kamala Harris. I'm not saying Ellen is a perfect mom, that she didn't make mistakes with Alex and June, but I feel she is way better than some would give her credit for. Maybe that's just my bias showing because she reminds me so much of my mom. Plus, if we want to talk about parental neglect, I think that Catherine basically abandoning her children for years after Arthur's death deserves more scrutiny than is usually given. See my previous ficlet with Henry and Pez for more on that! (steps off soapbox)

Ellen Claremont could not sleep. Leo had taken his nighttime meds and fell fast asleep, currently snoring like a buzzsaw and making Ellen contemplate homicide. She went through her mental checklist one more time, nervous that she was forgetting something that would send the entire ceremony tumbling down tomorrow. Her baby boy was getting married. In the past week, she had gone through at least two packs of tissues from bursting into sporadic fits of tears. June gave her a one-armed hug when she started crying at the florist, confirming the delivery time and location for the arrangements.

"I'm so sorry," Ellen laughed, dabbing at her eyes. "It's just-"

"Oh, you don't have to explain, ma'am," the woman said with a sympathetic smile. "I bawled like a newborn baby when all three of mine got married. You look at them and still see the babies they once were."

"You should have seen her at the tux fitting," June said. Affecting a deep Southern accent, she mock-wailed, "Look at my little boy! He's so grown up. I remember dressing him for his first day of school and now-"

"You were crying too, as I recall!" Ellen said, smacking her oldest's arm. "Just wait 'till it's your turn. I'll be inconsolable."

The two women were joyfully involved in planning Alex's wedding. Right before her second term ended, Ellen was inundated with book deals to write about her historic presidency. After the dust settled and she returned to Austin, she finally went through her inbox and contemplated such a project. There was only one person she went to for help. She called her daughter and asked if she would be willing to work with her on the book.

June was hesitant at first, so Ellen said, "I think this could be good for us, honey. I know I can't make up for all the time we lost, but I don't want to lose anymore. You may not believe it all the time, but you and Alex have always been my greatest accomplishments."

As much as she wanted to, Ellen didn't tell Alex about her offer. She wanted June to want to do this with her. It took about three weeks, but one afternoon, June called. The first words out of her mouth were, "Warts and all, right? I don't want to leave any stone unturned."

"Warts and all," Ellen agreed. With a lump in her throat, she said, "Thank you, honey."

Working on the book with June was something Ellen would always treasure. Seeing her daughter in her element, neck-deep in research materials and pages of questions, made the older woman feel guilty for trying to force her into a box that suited Ellen's needs more than June's. There were days and nights of hard work and even harder conversations, but Ellen wouldn't trade a single second. June unburdened herself of long-held resentments. She cried over being forced to grow up too fast and pick up the slack of caring for Alex when Oscar left for California.

"I was so mad at you," June whispered, her voice wavering as she studied her manicured nails. "I was mad at you for making Dad leave, mad at you for always being busy, mad at you for putting total strangers before me and Alex."

Ellen reached out to take her daughter's hand when she cut herself off. It was difficult to hear how she failed her kids, but she knew June needed this. Their relationship wouldn't progress without addressing those hurts. June wiped her runny nose, saying, "As an adult, I realize there is more to it, but try telling that to a twelve-year-old who just wanted her mom to be like all the other moms. At home doing PTA and helping with my homework."

"I felt the same way about my momma," Ellen said, refilling their wine glasses. "Why couldn't I have new clothes instead of hand-me-downs from cousins? Why didn't she make me breakfast or pack me a lunch like Donna Reed? Never mind that she was a high school dropout and a widow working two, sometimes three, jobs just to support us. I couldn't see what she gave up, just what I lost."

June sniffled, her face crumpled. "I felt so guilty because you were out there changing the world, being this hero to so many, and all I could think was how I wanted you home with me, being my momma. I'm sor-"

"No, baby." Ellen pulled June into her arms and squeezed her tight. They were both crying now. "I can admit there were times when my job took precedence over you two. Christ, after what happened to Alex, I blamed myself and my relentless ambition. Why didn't I stay in Texas? Why couldn't I be happy there? How could I let something like this happen to my own son? But I told myself that if I did stay, he wouldn't have met the love of his life."

After tossing and turning for twenty minutes, Ellen gave up on sleeping and climbed out of bed. Immediate family on both sides chose to stay at the lakehouse before the big day. She slipped on her houseshoes and headed to the kitchen for a snack. She smiled when she saw Alex sitting at the counter, tapping away on his laptop.

"That better not be work-related," Ellen teased when she reached him, "or your husband-to-be will be mighty peeved."

Alex jumped but smiled sheepishly before closing the laptop. She took the chair next to him as he said, "I can neither confirm nor deny what I was doing, but I have a bottle of Maker's and a tub of Rocky Road to pay for your silence."

"Proceed, counselor."

Alex grinned and stood. She watched him move around the kitchen with the softest of smiles. The florist's words returned to her and never felt more true than in that moment. Though a young man stood there, pouring them whiskey and grabbing two spoons and a frosty tub of Bluebell out of the freezer, all she could see was a little boy arguing with a Seaworld employee, a lanky teen excited to drive without supervision. And now here he was, about to marry his fairytale prince.

When he caught her scrubbing the corner of her eye, he shook his head and said quickly, "No, no, no! Momma, please don't start crying 'cause if you start, I won't stop!"

"I'm sorry!" Ellen whimpered between giggles. Alex set their drinks down and put the Bluebell tub between them. As he took his seat, she sipped her whiskey and said, "You're just my baby boy, and you're getting married tomorrow. Poor Junie has been consoling me for weeks."

They clinked their glasses together, and he opened the ice cream. Each of them dug in with matching watery smiles. After a period of silence, Alex said softly, "Shit...I'm getting married tomorrow."

Ellen gave him a chocolate whiskey kiss on the cheek. "You sure are."

He ate another spoonful and said around it, "Is it weird that I'm not nervous? Like...I just want to go home with my husband and unpack our house together."

"Not at all, baby." She took another sip, relishing the burn down her throat. "Alex, when things were at their worst, your love for that boy was unshakeable. Trust in that always, and you'll be okay."

"Any other pearls of wisdom?"

Ellen snorted. "You sure you want my advice? I did get divorced."

"That's why I trust you more than most," he said, his eyes and voice so earnest. "May not have gotten it right the first time, but you got there eventually."

Ellen hummed. She thought back to her marriage with Oscar. Already pregnant, they opted for a quick ceremony with the Justice of the Peace. Neither of their families was happy about that decision, thinking they were moving too fast. All her momma could say when Ellen asked her to be there was, "You're gonna regret this, Ellie, but you're grown. I can't stop you."

"Well," Ellen sighed, leaning back into her chair, "the most important thing, especially since you're your momma's child, is to make time for him. Don't wait for birthdays or anniversaries to celebrate each other. If you see a trinket that makes you smile and think of him, buy it. The little moments are just as important as the big ones, baby."

"Is that why you and Dad didn't work?"

She gave her son a sad smile and said, "If I'm perfectly honest, I don't think your daddy and me would've made it long-term. We were both too stubborn to listen, too proud to compromise. But Alex, I wouldn't change a thing. All the mistakes I've made, the regrets I have...you two were never that."

Alex ducked his head, his long curls falling forward. "Goddamn it, Momma. Told you not to make me cry."

"Oh, baby," she laughed. Wrapping her arms around him, she kissed his head and said, "You and Henry are forever. I've never felt more certain about anything in my life."

"More than winning the Presidency?" Alex laughed.

"Especially more than that."

A/N: I tried to give space for valid criticisms of Ellen while still allowing for some grace and understanding. That she and Alex have such a good relationship in the book counts for something in my mind. Share your thoughts down below! I love getting nerdy about RWRB.

Check out this post and join the fun in celebrating the one-year anniversary of our little romcom that could being released!

[jocelynscrazyideas]

Champagne problems | Dawson Mercer x Fem Reader

Summary: Dawson and Harper(you) get in a heated argument, but you have a past in being left alone. Dawson makes it up to by dancing in the kitchen at night, and it ends up leading to something else.

Warnings: makeup s*x, unprotected, crying, language, not proof read

PLS NOTE: I don’t think Dawson Mercer would ever LIKE EVER make someone feel this way (and idk why he would get angry abt this but he did so yuhh)

I got kinda lazy towards the end- sorry in advance🫶

You book the night train for a reason

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME HARPER!” Dawson yells out from our room. I hear his Newfie accent pop out. I think it’s so cute. Then. I hear pound stomps from upstairs in our home. He comes running down the stairs. He turns to face me as he scurries over at me.

Dawson throws my phone that was once in my hand and now is on the other side of the white couch, which I was comfortable sitting on. He never screams at me. I’m scared.

I’m scared.

I run for our dog, Mila. I grab our black lab and pick her up. Mila holds onto me as I run up the stairs with her. I don’t care about my phone, I need to lock myself away. I don’t even know what I did. But I’m is I’m terrified.

I dropped your hand while dancing

I run into the bathroom without a word said. I hear soft foot steps walking towards the bathroom. It’s not just a bathroom, it’s the place where we would take baths together, or when I get to drunk and he would hold my hair back when I throw up, or when he would get sick and I would shower with him.

This isn’t a home, not right now atelast. It’s a madhouse.

I’m not ready. It’s been a strong 2 years together, we have never been through a big fight where I felt I was threatened. I’m so scared I hold on to Mila, I feel like I’m going to throw up.

“please, Harper, open up. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that. But I’m upset, you pulled out like $200 out if the shared account.” Dawson has a good point to be mad at me. But he has to understand that it’s for bills. I just bought the house, it’s under my name.

“I’m sorry.” I say, and there I go. A tear is shed. Not only one, but it turns into many. I’m now bawling my eyes out. He bangs on the door. I know he’ll get mad if I don’t open the door, but I’m not ready to see him, because I truly feel guilty, but I cannot pay for the bills and in general everything on my own.

“I’m not mad anymore, I’m going to be upset if you don’t open the door baby. Are you hungry?” Dawson says in absolute despair.

My stomach dropped about 12 minutes ago, and I still can’t seem to grab it and put it back in place, my heart is doing somersaults- in a terrible way, not in a lovestruck way, more of a numbing pain. My head is pounding. I hear birds chriping through the bathroom window. I unlock the door taht im sitting against. I let Mila walk out, and I grab air. Then I walk into our bedroom. I open windows.

Love slipped beyond your reaches

And I couldn’t give a reason

Champagne problems.

I change into Dawson’s boxers, they have SpongeBob patterns on them, I picked it out. I throw on my sleep shirt. I tie my hair into a messy high bun, I let my neck hit the cold outside breeze. It’s offseason, Dawson and I are getting ready to travel back to his family’s home in a week. Right now, I’m not sure if I wnat to go.

I hear sizzling from the kitchen downstairs. And the smell of cheese, and toast. Is it Grilled cheese?

“BUBBA?!” Dawson yells out for me.

He walks up the steps with a green plate, and he steps into our room, he sees me against our bedroom wall that faces the entrance of the room. The window is above me, he come towards me. Grabs the grilled cheese and splits it.

“Did you know you look gorgeous.” Dawson says, not in a question format, but more of a statement. He opens my mouth and wipes the tear that had fell from my eye. He sticks the grilled cheese into my mouth and he looks at me, and smiles. I see his toothless corny smile. I love him.

“Come here. Baby I didn’t mean to get at you like that.” He says as he grips onto his blue t-shirt and wipes my mascara away.

“it’s my fault.” I say. I don’t want him to leave me.

We finish eating as he explains how it’s okay to take out money,but he should be able to pay, not that I should sneak the payment. He grabs my hand and he takes the plate that he placed the delicious grilled cheese on and placed it into the clean sink. He turns me around and he’s sits me on the cold counter.

“You look sexy.” He says and again, I hear his newfie accent pop out. I’m head over heels for him.

“In SpongeBob boxers?” I say sarcastically and I laugh away my sadness.

“Yes. Anything that you’re in, makes you extra sexy. And..” he says as he trails off as he nibbles at my neck. He kissed my index finger and trailed up to my left ear. I can feel his stubble.

He pushed up against me, and he kissed me. He then picked me up from the counter and twirled me down to the floor. And he continued to French kiss me. He tugs at my waist as he he tucks his head onto my neck. He’s 6”0 body leans into my 5”2 figure.

“I love you.” He whispers into my ear as he sucks into me, I’m sure there is a big bruise awaiting to be seen by his fellow teammates at holding tomorrow. Dawson is missing a tooth, but he’s still really good at giving hickeys. He starts to sway. Ironically, he starts to humthe words of champagne problems. He’s such a girl dad- not yet.

We dance in the kitchen for like an hour as we just talk. The beautiful daylight blue sky turned into a black sky lit by stars. He grabs me and sits me down on the couch that we met at earlier today.

Mila has her own bed in our bedroom, but for today she sat in her own room that she has in the main level right next to the kitchen. Dawson locks Mila in her bedroom and he sets her asleep with her night time water. He grabs me and carry’s me up the stairs. It’s like we are re-living our day.

He pushed me down the bed. He has one hand on my mid torso. And he slides his hand up, up toward my cleavage. He takes a hold of his SpongeBob boxers and slides them off. He smoothly takes my shirt off. He apply little pressure on my shoulders, an my bra is off my chest. He looks at my breast like it’s the first pair he’s ever seen. His face lits up in an eager smile. And once again I see his toothless expression. He takes my nipple into his fingers and twist them.

My breast is really tender from crying earlier today so I let out a little wince. Dawson looks down at me ready to study every little mark I have on me. He takes his shirt off. In a swft motion his shorts are also off. I see his face black boxers, but it’s accompanied by a large tent in the middle of his legs. He’s getting off by me in pain. Wierd kink.

“Daws.” I say, I’m letting him know I’m ready to take him. Dawson holds my hands up above my head and he opens his boxers, I can’t stop thinking off how that’s where he opens his pants to pee, but I take him in my mouth and he’s steady leaking everywhere.

I lick the tip of him and he screams in excitement.

He’s so easy.

He lets out a sigh as he finished inside my mouth, not letting me do any work.

“Okay pillow princess, show me how it’s done.” Dawson says as he flips me on top of him and we roll over to the other side of the bed. He lays down and he pulls off his boxers. He’s bare, I’m bare. I touch myself as I stand on top of him. I look down at him as I decide to squat down. I look at his face, he’s ready to be please, but I just took him inside of my mouth. I swalllow, but I forget… can he?

So I take his jaw in my hand and I tell him to open his mouth, he does so. He is expecting a kiss. But for me, I wnat to make him cum first. So I straddle his face, and I take his hard friend, into my mouth, once again.

Im laying on top off him, he has my clit on his mouth, and I have his dick into my throat. He’s tasty, very salty. He locks me out, and I feel like I need to piss everywhere. So I focus on my job. I need to make him cum. He goes faster on his tounge, he lifts his hips up to my face, he’s about to fall out of his momentum. He thrusts into my throat. And again, and again, he thrusts. He lets out a groan, and he starts to stick his large fingers into my hole. He sucks and fingers at my bottom half.

He’s going to play dirty, so am I. So I grab his large balls and start to rub. He starts to slap my ass, and he runs up and down my waist line. I grab his leg, and he thrusts into my mouth again, he lets out an exasperated groan, he drops his bridge down, and he slides me over.

He arrived, and I haven’t. Maybe I am better.

“No, I know what you’re thinking, you aren’t better than I am.” Dawson says as he walks over to grab a condom.

“No, I like it raw.” I say as I get up from feeling like peeing.

“Easier on me then.” Dawson says as he lifts me up and I wrap around his figure. My boobs are pressed up against his abs, my nipples are sticking straight into him. He lays me down gently as he sticks a finger inside of me. He licks his finger clean.

“You’re still pretty wet for me.” He says, “but I haven’t cummed yet.” I said, impatiently.

I push his anatomy onto me. His cock is pushed up against his abdomen. He kisses me and he did infancy swallow.

He leans back up from our special kiss, and he licks his hand, and pump onto his cock once. He grasps onto my thigh, he spreads my legs apart.

“DAWSON!” I scream out in enjoyment. I’m exhilarated. His shaft ponds into my hips. My pelvis is now perked up into his hands. I need more, but I cannot fit much more. He has so many inches inside of me,I feel like I might puncture ny uterus.

“He shushed me and started to bounce. He thrusted about 4 times before I begged him to stop. And I cimmed right there. He grabbed a tissue that sat on our nightstands, specifically for this reason.

“Okay baby. You wanna shower, or do you want to wait until tomorrow morning?” Dawson says and he always knows the answer. He made sure I wa clean and the bed sheets weren’t wet and sticky for our semen.

He wraps his legs around me, I’m little spoon, and he’s big spoon. We are skin to skin. And I feel safe in his arms as he kissed me goodnight. And I feel ready to see his family on our trip next week. And I’m glad that his friends will see my “burn mark” I got. Which we all know that Dawson took his kisses to strong and he bit and sucked on my neck to leave territory marks.

[bowandcurtsey]

Hi I love your works !!

could I ask for headcanons of nozel making his wife s/o cry and he feels very guilty and tries to make up for it and apologizes and stuff like that

You can choose whatever he could've said or done to make her cry

It's Nozel again!! You guys really love this ice king a lot don't you? Well, I love him too. He's so cute honestly.

Thank you for loving my works bby, means a lot to me that you love it so much to request (⊃‿⊂)

Characters: Nozel Silva x f! reader

"don't you think you're being very sensitive? You just like blowing things out of proportion too much. So what do you want now?"

It hurt you so bad, it felt like a spear went straight through your heart.

You know the feeling of someone squeezing your heart and there's a sharp pain that you can't even speak, so all you could do is clench at your heart? Yeah, that's the feeling.

You felt a pinch in your nose and the tear pricking at your eyes. You kept telling yourself that he was being an ultimate jerk right now and that you shouldn't even cry over this, you should just retort back or just punch him in his nuts right now.

But you couldn't. You loved him far too much that all you could do was just stand there gripping at your shirt with tears streaming down your eyes.

He saw that too and he immediately felt the remorse. Looking at you cry and wince in pain, BECAUSE of him, made him feel like he was the biggest scumbag in the world.

He mentally slapped himself for being such an asshole to someone that he loved and that loved him dearly.

He walked over to you, wanting to engulf you in a hug but you pushed him away. The resentment in your eyes was enough to break his heart into pieces.

How could he hurt you like that?

You stormed straight out of the room, telling him, "leave me alone."

But how could he? How could he just let you run out into the night like that? Of course he couldn't, especially since it was him that hurt you. So he quietly followed you from afar.

He hid his presence even after you stopped at a lakeside to bawl. But after 5 minutes, he couldn't help himself but to go up to you to drape his robe over you.

"sorry love, you really don't deserve this. You don't deserve a scum like me."

Of course you ignored him and so he stood there, a few meters away from you and quietly watched you from afar as you calmed down.

He slowly followed you home and tucked you into bed, constantly repeating words of apology.

The next day you felt slightly better but he didn't. He still tried to make it up to you.

He bought a huge bouquet of your favourite flowers. And then he had your favourite dessert and snack delivered to you.

He came to pick you up from wherever you were and he was already there waiting for you on his silver mercury eagle way before you were ready.

He constantly told you that he was sorry and how much you meant to him and that the words he said were unthoughtful and that it was nonsense and rubbish from his tongue.

He also said he would accept any form of punishment you would give him. Even if it meant him going out and "become unbecoming of a royal"

This went on for about a week until you had to tell him that you forgave him and that you were no longer upset about that matter.

You even had to comfort and console him, reminding him that you still loved him and that he was still and more than worthy for you.

He was pretty down and that you had to engulf him in cuddles and hugs and give him many kisses to reassure him that you were not tired of him and that you were not leaving him.

He promised not to ever make you cry again, but you stopped him from making that promise because "every couple would have their bad days and argument."

"I wound't give up on you unless you gave up on me, love." you had to hug him in your chest and stroke his hair to sleep.

"I would never let you go, my future wife to be." he whispered into you neck whilst he caged you in his arms.

[klaprisun]

One Sunny Day

(Stardew Valley)(Haley x Female Farmer)

Chapter 20: Haley's POV

A bright flash of light followed by a click wakes me with a start from my slumber I didn't even know I fell into. When I opened my eyes, I noticed I'm looking at the coffee table that's in our living room. I furrow my brows in confusion as to why I am on the couch.

Before even getting up, I can already feel my whole body aching, along with my head pounding in pain. Although, I feel a slow up and down motion coming from under my head. I sit up a little too fast because my head throbs in extreme pain.

"Owwww!" I whine while grabbing my head. When I look down at what I was laying on, it was not a sight I was expecting. I let out a gasp and cover my mouth in disbelief.

Danny is sprawled out on the couch under me. Arms flailed in either direction with one hanging off the edge and one draped over the arm of the couch behind her head. Her mouth is hung open, drool nearly escaping from the corner of her mouth. Her clothes are disheveled and wrinkled with the hem of her tank top rolled up, exposing her perfectly toned stomach.

What really gets me though, is her mouth, cheeks, and neck are absolutely smeared with pink lipstick. MY pink lipstick. Along with the lipstick on her collarbone, I notice a few purple blotches forming on her skin. Hickeys.

Jumping up from the way I was sitting and straddling Danny's waist on the couch, I took several steps back, still covering my mouth with my hand.

"Good thing you'll never forget this moment now!" Emily sings as she hands me my camera.

"You took a picture?!" I hiss back, trying to be quiet so as to not wake Danny. My head also hurts too much for loud noises right now anyway.

"Sure did. You're welcome," Emily laughs as she walks away.

Frantically, I start pacing back and forth along the hardwood floor. I don't know what to do about Danny.

Will she remember anything that happened? I think to myself. Part of me hopes she does because I don't remember anything at all. I want someone to inform me of whatever went on last night because the aftermath is quite suggestive.

I take another, guilty pleasure look at Danny sprawled out on the couch. Everything about her is so breathtaking that it's hard to pull my gaze away. To me, she has always seemed like a goddess. The feelings that started to form when she first moved to Pelican Town I knew were not jealousy. I knew I didn't want to be like her, or have her hairstyle, or anything like that. That feeling was one that yearned to be WITH her which is something I've never felt before.

When I first got to see her personality, it made my thoughts and feelings intensify. Somehow, she manages to be gorgeous, kind, hot, and respectful all at the same time. This girl single handedly made me question my entire sexuality.

Sure I have occasionally checked out another girl when I visit Zuzu City or have thought about kissing them, but I thought all girls did that. I thought it was normal. But, I also liked being with Alex and making out with random guys at the bar, or so I thought. All of my experiences with guys are just incomparable now that Danny has entered my life. There just seems to be a brighter spark when I'm around her, one I've never felt with a guy.

A small stir from the couch snaps me out of my thoughts. Panicked and without thinking, I darted into the bathroom and shut the door. I dramatically slide down the back of it and land, butt first, on the cold floor. I scrunch my knees up to my chest and start bawling hysterically into my knees.

"Why did my first time hooking up with a girl have to be when I'm drunk?" I sob, muffled by my knees, "Why did I have to forget everything that happened... and why did it have to be with Danny?" I begin to cry louder, unable to control the sobs.

A small knock beckons from the other side of the door. I inhale deeply, trying to stop the tears so I can answer the door. When I think I'm okay, I stand and turn the knob of the door.

"Are you okay?" Danny whispers, squinting from the bright, morning light.

For some reason, that absolutely broke me. I burst into a fit of tears once again and went to shut the door on her. She shoves her foot against the door to stop it from closing, catching me off guard. Since I was still trying to process what she did, she makes her move and slides into the bathroom with me. She shut the door behind her and went to lean on the bathroom sink which is directly in front of me.

Still blubbering in my tears, I turn my face away so she can't see the hot mess of a state I'm in.

"Why'd you try to shut the door on me, Haley?" Danny quietly asks me. I go to answer her, but just can't make the words form in my mouth. All that comes out are air hungry gasps.

Danny pats the ledge of the bathtub that's next to the sink, urging me to take a seat. With my arms folded across my chest, I obediently took a seat where she patted.

I try to calm down so I can explain everything to her, but every time I look at Danny's lipstick stained face, I begin to cry again.

Giving up on trying to speak, I walk over to Danny and grab her by the shoulders. I spin her around so she is face to face with the mirror above the sink. This is also the first time I have looked in the mirror since waking up as well.

The two of us stood there silently, staring at the reflection of whatever had gone on the night before. Not only did Danny have lipstick all over her, but I had it smeared all over my face as well. My hair is a rat's nest, and there are mascara stains running down my cheeks from all my crying.

I watch as Danny brings a hand up to her collarbone and brushes her fingers over the hickeys. I watch as a wave of sadness washes over her face.

"I don't remember... anything..." she chokes, voice breaking mid sentence ever so slightly. Our reflections lock eyes with one another, neither one of us turning to look at the other face to face.

Her saying that completely broke my heart, more than it already was. Neither of us will get to know what went on or how it even started in the first place.

"I'm sorry," I managed to get out. I break eye contact to look down at the floor in shame, tears still threatening to escape from my eyes.

"Oh no no no what are you sorry for?" Danny concerningly bends over and cups my cheeks in her hands. Using my finger, I motion a circle around her head and neck.

"Ah don't worry about it. Most of this can wash off. Speaking of, let's get you cleaned up as well." Danny turns the handle of the sink to get the water running, but I hesitate. Feeling my stomach start bubbling uncomfortably, I scurry to the toilet and drop to my knees. Danny immediately clues in and rushes over to pull back my tangled mess of hair.

The pain and uncomfortableness of my stomach causes me to start crying again. Danny had started rubbing cold water from the sink on the back of my neck, trying to help.

"Do you want some ginger ale? I can go grab you some-" Danny started to walk to the door but I grabbed her ankle and tugged her back, shaking my head. I didn't want to be alone right now.

She decided to join me by sitting on the ground, but was leaning against the side of the tub with her legs stretched in front of her. I was still balled up near the toilet.

"I never want to be that drunk again," I squeak quietly, but still loud enough for her to hear. My comment caused her to let out a chuckle. Her laugh is so contagious, that it got me laughing too.

"Are you too okay in there?" Emily yells through the door.

"Yes we are," The two of us respond in unison.

"My shift at the saloon starts soon. I just thought I'd let you guys know in case you are wondering where I am... unlikely... but just in case. See you later!" she yells through the door again. We hear her footsteps walk away from the door.

"Are you feeling good enough to get washed up now?" Danny questions me. I give her a nod in response.

She stands up, turns, and helps me get on my feet. She holds her hand out and I grasp it tightly, putting all my weight on her hand. She pulls me up and walks me to the sink.

She finds a washcloth hanging up on a towel rack and dampens in the water. She begins to wipe the mascara and lipstick stains from my face, making sure to get every last mark. She does a little nod of satisfaction when she seems to have finished.

I take the washcloth from her hand and start doing the same to her face. When all the pink lipstick smears have been washed away, the hickeys look even more prominent and visible. Hopefully Danny can figure out how to cover them up.

"I better go now and let you get in the shower. I just know you're dying to do so. I don't blame you, I'm going to go home and do the same thing," Danny says as she opens the bathroom door to leave. She pauses in the doorway for a second, seemingly deep in thought. She makes eye contact with me one last time, but then walks out of the bathroom.

I have no idea what is going to happen between the two of us after today. I almost don't even want to think about it. But I can't help feeling some sort of hope?

[pinaala]

I’m sorry but am I the only one who was actually sorry for Hanma? Like this man is seen as the crazy, funny, weird, cool guy but to see him cry for the first time just makes feel something for this man I mean I never hated him or anything I’m just now thinking about how much him and Kisaki were close even though Hanma been knew he was being used, he still didn’t care he was willingly to be used by Kisaki but the fact Kisaki is now dead makes me feel guilty now cause I know how much Hanma loved Kisaki as a friend😭

Like look at Hanma’s reaction when he found Kisaki’s dead body😔 I’m so glad they didn’t add this part in the anime because I would’ve been bawling my eyes out (I actually was sobbing at this part in the manga cause I felt bad)

Bro looks like he wanna be left in peace and smoke his cigarette while chilling at Kisaki’s grave I mean can you blame him? Nah not really, cause if my friend died and they was hella close with me then anyone else then I’d be sitting at their grave everyday….

[sevicia]

My mom's started to notice how obedient I am to my sister and it's humiliating. "Why do you let her speak to you like that? You always listen to her instead of me" it's obvious now because that day they thought I was dying I only moved once my sister yelled at me, and I barely remember any of it.

It's humiliating because it's a reflex. It's not like I don't have my own will, it's not like it's weak, it's just that I can't go against her without feeling like I'll be punished for throwing a tantrum. That feeling overrides everything else.

I have no idea what I'd do if my mom ever asked me directly about it, because I know she'd blame her. I guess it started because of her, but that means they'd start fighting like crazy again and my sister would start feeling like our parents don't care about her again. Maybe telling my mom would help me feel better somehow, maybe it'd help start fixing things even though it seems impossible, but the possibility of both her and our dad turning against my sister is more than enough for me to avoid talking about it as much as possible.

There's also the fact that everyone's just gonna call me a coward and a pushover for never being able to stand up to her. I guess that's true, but it's still awful to think about being seen for what I am in such an explicit way.

Frustrating because I know for a fact it's my fault I still feel like this today. I mean, I'm better than I was 1 or 2 years ago, back then I agreed with everything she said and hid anything I thought might make her dislike me because I felt like the scum of the earth every time she got annoyed or called me stupid. I couldn't help bawling my eyes out, which I've never been able to do properly since we've always shared a room, I'm always quiet. I really wish I could just cry like a kid even just once, but I don't think I'll ever be able to.

It's my fault that I'm still like this because changing is on me. It's something no one else can ever do for me, but I'm so deep in it I know I'll die like this. I know other people have had way worse relationships with their siblings when they were kids, and they're nowhere near this level of messed up about it. I don't think "I didn't have it THAT bad" is a valid excuse, but I do think I should've gotten over it already. I just never noticed how sensitive I was because I've always had to be so quiet.

I hate that I'm like this because of something I should've gotten over by now. I hate that I can't tell anyone, but most of all I hate that I can't say it to her face because I love her so much. She's cried while telling me about how sorry she is and how guilty she feels for messing up my childhood like that, so I tell her it's okay. I don't feel okay about it, but I can't ever blame her for any of it since we were both kids. She doesn't know just how much it's affected me, whatever effect she thinks she had on me is not nearly comparable to how I've felt my whole life.

I tell her it's fine. What else am I gonna tell her? I've seen her cry out of guilt. I couldn't live with myself if I ever made her cry like that again. I resent her so much, I can't help it. It's so ugly. I have these moments where I wish she'd just die, that she'd just disappear from my life and my head one day, then I'd be free to act on my own, but thinking that way just makes me hate myself even more. It's just so disgusting, I can't stand it.

I'm going to die feeling like this. It will never leave me. I can't let it go, I don't know what'd happen if I tried. I don't want her to ever worry about anything. The way people treat her sometimes makes me sick. The way she talks to me most of the time makes me wanna vomit.

She loves me, I don't doubt this for a second. If she ever found out I feel like this, she'd call me an idiot for not telling her sooner. I can't stand the thought of that. I hate it when people do that, I don't understand it and I doubt I ever will. I don't understand why it's so important that I report on what I'm feeling whenever someone wants to "help" me, based on their own metrics. It doesn't do any good. If I said any of this out loud, I'd just start crying and make it look like it's the most horrible thing to ever happen to anyone, I just don't see the point. It achieves nothing. Feeling better is not guaranteed, and even if it was it would still amount to nothing.

I hate crying because it just feels so pathetic. I don't think it makes me weak or anything like that, it's just embarrassing to act so dramatic, especially when I'm known to never cry unless it's from laughing or watching a movie or a show or something like that. It's shallow, but I'm also aware of how much more repulsive I look when I cry. I looked in the mirror once while I cried, and the disgust made me stop, wash my face and go back to being a normal person immediately. It was different to how my stomach usually drops when I see my face. It felt like something was actually wrong with my body.

[a-wholelotta-love]

Totnt 1938 ! Episode 8- Getting my heart broken for Lee Rang again!

The past two episodes have been a freaking roller coaster for me and I feel like someone shredded my heart and then pushed it into a grinder. All because of my one boyy, Mr Lee Rang. He is making me cry every other day and I am just heartbroken for him. Every scene with him now reminds me of his fate in season 1 and I feel like bawling my eyes out. So let's talk about my love for him once again so that my heart might start feeling a little less heavy 🥺

My boy constantly thinking about how he won't get to live for long and then believing that the only reason Yeon is being good to him is because he feels guilty 🥺💔 And you know what the worst part is, the worst part is that it's true to some extent. Yeon's love for Rang right now is actually so dependent on the fact that he is dead in his timeline. I am not saying he did not love him before his death, but I believe that he obviously did not cherish him the way he does now before he was dead. Like, look at 1938 Yeon, he does not give a damn what's happening to his brother. Rang's position in Yeon's life has always been secondary and it was only his death which moved future Yeon to the position where he realised his worth and isn't that guilt talking then. The thought hurts me more than the much it should 💔.

Watching Rang breakdown because the world felt warm to him for the first time in his life. Watching him cry because he believes he was just a stain in the lives of his parents and his brother broke me. Watching him believe, he has no one to return home to. He is so broken and I can't watch it without feeling so hurt. He would distance himself from everyone so that his heart does not tickle anymore. When I tell you guys, I sobbed, I am not lying. I am really really glad he has yeo-hee now and I don't know what I will do if they take that away from him too.

This will never stop hurting me. 💔 This scene will forever stay with me.

3. Watching my boy gamble for a life span because he, too, wanted to live. My heart, at this point, is a broken shriveling mess. Him already being so deep in love that he wanted to see Yeo-hee once. I was not sold on their romance at first but goshh, I love yeo-hee. And the only reason I love her is because she is the first person to love my boy the way he deserves. I need them together. I need someone to put Rang first. I just need it. And no matter how much I wanted that person to be Yeon, we all know that Ji-ah is Yeon's 1st priority forever. One major difference between Yeon and Rang that I believe would remain true is that no matter how much Rang might love Yeo-hee, he will never forget the much he cares about his brother. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Yeon. 🥺💔

4. They replayed the freaking season 1 video clip. As if my heart was not already on the verge of death. They reminded me of one of the most heart wrenching moment in drama history that I have been through. And when Yeon asks Rang after the clip is played, if Rang can forgive him. My boy does not even care about that anymore, he is legit like ' forget about me 🤦‍♀️' he is more worried about why Yeon's life span is so short. I really need Rang to care about himself half as much as he cares about Yeon. Idiot self sacrificing little brother who has taken up permanent residence in my heart rent free 🥺💔

I am broken after the last two episodes. I don't know if the writers expect this to be bitter sweet or they expect us to just make peace with the fact that Rang will remain dead in the future. I don't know but I need my boy to live, have a love life, have a brother who cares about him as much as he cares about said brother. And I want This Lee Rang to have all that, not some reincarnated version who is not actually him.

[hunsa-jars]

Howdy

Good morning, or evening, or middle of the night to whoever happens to be reading this, hi

I'm just here to rant I guess, as there's nothing else to do, waiting for a train right now

I always feel guilty when I suddenly disappear out of blue and leave my friends in the dark so this is kind of an explanation

But saying that just... I'm sorry

This is mostly for myself

For grounding purposes

Last week was pretty rough and I'm still processing it, because even as I'm writing this, it still feels unreal

Well it was a lot worse last week but sure you get what I mean

My grandpa passed away last Wednesday morning

I was on a bus, on my way to the town's kindergarten to have my first practice classes when my mom called, and uh... you can probably imagine that for the next few days everything got stuck in this void limbo of "He can't be gone" and "Is this actually happening" and "What happens now"

I didn't want to bawl my eyes out in front of strangers but I couldn't think about going back either after the arrangements me, my group mates and the kindergarten teacher had to make, so I kind of forced myself into entering a tunnel vision mindset and just..... tried not to think about it at all. At least not while I was with the children

Honestly I'm a bit proud of myself for that, that I held out for so long, didn't have a meltdown in there during those 3 days

Well today I did crack up but it couldn't be helped. I managed to take care of everyone on my own for a whole hour, they liked my games, the teachers told me I did great, and I guess the relief mixed with them telling me again that they're sorry about what happened pretty much kicked me out of the Calm Zone

(They were very understanding and left me alone till I felt better, so it's okay, I'm okay now)

So that's all over.

But god, it was hard, back home. Him and my grandma were our next door neighbours for as long as I could remember. We ran into each other almost every day. And yet I feel like I didn't know him that well. I didn't know him enough, as he was also a person of few words, but I miss him, I'm gonna miss him so much. I wish I could just go back and ask him about his past, what he was up to as kid, what kind of dates he took grandma on or anything, instead of just walking by him in silence. I wish I could have been there before the ambulance took him away. I wish I could have told him I loved him before he was gone. He'd been feeling off for the past few months but it all got worse so suddenly.

My sister keeps my grandma company, because there's no way we gonna let her be all alone. The house is so quiet now

The funeral is held tomorrow, I don't know how she, my mom or my aunt will handle it

Hell, I have no idea how I will handle it

Things will get better, I hope, after we said our goodbyes properly

Not easier, but maybe a bit better

If you're still here, thanks for listening, I don't know where I was going with this but I feel a smidge calmer now

See you soon

[kanade-aoyagi-official]

# INFO POST

This AU makes me insane, and you get to read my ramblings about it. Get Kanade’d ‼️‼️

Trigger warnings for:

Harumichi’s A+ Parenting (except it’s even worse here, fuck it we ball, i have problems and i’m projecting them on him)

Kanade not doing well At All (depression + talks about suicide, though it’s referred to as ‘disappearing’ like in canon)

Kanade and Toya having a very bad time overall 👍

If more is needed, I’ll add them 🫡🫡

so it’s a hc but for me Kanade and Toya are cousins

when Kanade’s father passes out after overworking himself and ends up in a coma, Harumichi (Toya’s father) takes her in.

it looks good for the Aoyagis 👍

so… Kanade:

lost her mother when she was young

had her father go comatose (and to her, it’s all her fault if he ended up like this)

and now she’s getting abused on top of it all

truly lucky. she’s totally doing well ← lies

Kanade’s very good at music and she already plays the piano, so that works out well for Harumichi.

Toya likes her a lot too, so he can… play into that to make sure his son stays obedient, you know? for funsies. make them BOTH suffer. (that’s where we get canon divergent - at least canon Harumichi is… trying, i guess)

i had the idea that only one of them manages to get out of this whole situation, and for this AU… it’s Kanade who stays behind. because that was how i could maximize the suffering and the psychological damage ✨

(Toya Tenma is a thing here. obviously. he goes to Tsukasa when he finally escapes this hell, and ends up living with him and Saki)

Kanade’s newly traumatized after all, and she feels guilty over it because she thinks it’s all her fault. so she thinks, "If I just do what I’m asked, then my music won’t hurt anyone again."

besides, she has a savior complex, so her I Want To Save People tendencies means she could view this situation as a "trading places" thing.

she’s not happy, she’s miserable, but it’s okay. she doesn’t deserve happiness; Toya does. that’s how she can make everyone happy.

except…

well, Toya’s obviously Not Happy. he feels incredibly guilty about it because holy shit, the Aoyagis are just doing the same thing they did to him to Kanade. but now, she’s… all alone.

they were suffering together before, at least.

SEKAIs are created from extremely strong feelings, so i think Kanade could make one in this situation.

it could either be like canon where eventually, 25ji is created, i guess, but i think it’d be funky if this was a shuffle AU thing, and Kanade / Toya ended up in the same unit.

(Kanade is like Mafuyu here; she needs saving, and Toya provides it. an interesting idea. i think.)

because, like… Kanade goes in the SEKAI to find comfort. but one day, she just thinks… she could stay there. she already wants to disappear in canon, so this whole mess would make it worse.

Miku finds Toya and she’s like "Please, can you help me? I dont know what to do :("

Toya goes for it because that might be his only chance to save Kanade.

Kanade just tries to get him to leave her alone but it’s not working, and she keeps trying to pretend like she’s okay but shes obviously not, and-

oh.

she starts crying.

and then she ends up bawling her eyes out in Toya’s arms because everything was just hell without him.

Toya just tells her that he’ll help her, that he got out of there, and that she can do the same thing.

and it just… it feels really nice.

it’s been so long since Kanade’s felt warmth.

[never-not-ever]

Whatever I don’t need to find the screenshot of the text message I sent out to my two best friends back then and my therapist and psychiatrist.. Honestly I feel like I’ve memorized it... something like “Hats off to McLean for letting a suicidal person out of the hospital. And I’m not sorry. I’m done saying sorry”. Like ugh how dramatic of me...

But yea so today 3/21 is the anniversary of the day I left inpatient back in 2014, went home and took a near fatal overdose and ended up in the ICU. I always hate spring and the month of March in general but this day is just ugh... Like even the date is like descending into death. 3.2.1.dead. Which is also eye-roll/cringe. 

God I remember everything about that day…. 

*TW suicide attempt*

It was my first ever inpatient stay and I think it was only a week and a few days long. I don’t even think I left the unit suicidal per se but just feeling like nothing really changed. I think it was on the drive home that I made the decision to go through with it…

My Nana picked me up and we stopped at the rest stop on the way home. I remember getting a large iced tea with lemon and Splenda at Dunkin. When we got home I went upstairs, said hi to my dog who was so excited to see me and I was bawling my eyes out because I knew what I was about to do and already felt so guilty that I was going to leave her again but permanently. I emptied my large cup in the bathroom sink, left the lemon wedges in the sink and filled it up with water and headed up stairs to my bedroom. 

I remember seeing all the pill bottles on the floor next to my bed. The morning I went inpatient I woke up after binge drinking alone in my room. That night I had sent out “I’m sorry”’s to my two friends, and therapist and psychiatrist. One of my best friends who lived around the corner from me came over in the middle of the night before I could do anything. The next morning my therapist called and said she wanted me to go to the ER. And that’s how my first inpatient stay happened.

Back to the day I left... When I got home, like I said, all those bottles were sitting there waiting for me. It was too easy. I remember sitting on my bed emptying out the bottles and taking them all. I remember I stopped taking the capsules that had tiny beads in it cause the continuous sound of them rattling down my throat was making me nauseous. I sent out that “Hat’s off..” text and fell asleep. 

The last thing I remember was my best friend calling the house phone asking where I was cause of the text. I yelled to the downstairs living room to my Nana who was on the phone with her that I was fine and just taking a nap. Then 3 days later I woke up in the ICU with a tube in my throat and a catheter to help me go to the bathroom... it was humiliating. 

I don’t remember the cops, firefighters and EMTs in my room. I don’t remember stumbling around, throwing up and knocking over my bureau. I don’t remember going out of my house on a stretcher, one of my biggest fears. I don’t remember the ride to the ER or anything else that happened that night. I don’t remember any of it and it kills me. 

[bluejaysandblackbats]

An Oyster's Pearl

Fandom: DC Comics

Summary: Shortly after moving in with Joseph Wilson, Grant Wilson makes friends with a fellow pledge for a fraternity. During this time, Grant grapples with realizations about his childhood trauma, his sexuality, and his relationships with his father and siblings.

Chapters: 14/?

Characters: Grant Wilson, Joseph Wilson, Rose Wilson, Dick Grayson, Slade Wilson, William Randolph Wintergreen, Original Character(s)

Relationships: Grant Wilson/Original Character, DickJoey

Additional Tags: University AU, No Capes AU, Angst, Deaf Joseph Wilson, Fluff and Angst, Romance, Grant Wilson has a Sexuality Crisis, Frat Boy Grant Wilson

Chapter Fourteen: Hibernation

Lixin made dinner for me. A pleasant change from my home situation. I always cooked at home, but Lixin made me seafood soup and cheddar biscuits like at that one restaurant. He was an even better cook than his sister. I must've had three bowls. Lixin sat after his second bowl, staring at me with a wide grin. "I've been eating for two hours, huh?" I asked. Lixin nodded. "That's rude, isn't it?"

"No, I've never seen anyone enjoy my cooking as much as you do. It's nice," Lixin replied, "Not gonna lie, I'd like to try to speak with you between bites."

"What about?" I asked.

Lixin made dinner for me. A pleasant change from my home situation. I always cooked at home, but Lixin made me seafood soup and cheddar biscuits like at that one restaurant. He was an even better cook than his sister. I must've had three bowls. Lixin sat after his second bowl, staring at me with a wide grin. "I've been eating for two hours, huh?" I asked. Lixin nodded. "That's rude, isn't it?"

"No, I've never seen anyone enjoy my cooking as much as you do. It's nice," Lixin replied, "Not gonna lie, I'd like to try to speak with you between bites."

"What about?" I asked.

"About your life," Lixin replied.

"Well, I'm a military brat... So, the whole friendship thing doesn't come easy. I think that's why I jumped on the chance to move in with Joe when he was struggling—." I stopped myself.

"Can we take a step back for a second? How did you reconnect with Joey? I remembered you said you guys were estranged since you were a teenager, so... Can I ask about that?" Lixin questioned.

I took a sip of juice and shrugged. "It's not like Joe stopped being my brother when I left. I felt guilty all the time because I chose to leave him. I could've taken him with me, but I would've hated him. I was so selfish back then—."

"But you were a child. A teenager's still a kid, Grant. I don't think you were selfish to leave a situation for your benefit—."

"I was supposed to take care of him. I should've taken care of him. All I had to do was get him somewhere safe. He didn't have to be with me... I left, and all that shit happened to him because he was alone. It was my fault," I interrupted. Lixin leaned forward and looked into my eyes.

"How did you and Joey reconnect?" Lixin asked.

"I found a flyer for an art gallery... His name was on it, so I dressed up. I watched him for a while. Joey never noticed I was there. He was mingling and doing a damn good job... But he was sad. I could see it all over Joe's face. He was messed up over something, and the girl he was with pointed out some wine or something on his sleeve, and he walked out.

"I followed him. I still don't know why I did... And he took a wrong turn. He didn't go to the john... He went up the stairs... To the roof... And he stood there on the ledge... And Joe, he—. He just started bawling. I'd never seen him like that before. So, I grabbed him, wrestled him to the ground, and he's signing at me, but I'm trying to tell him I don't understand. I was scared shitless trying to reason with him, but he couldn't hear me, and it was too dark for him to read my lips... But I held onto him because I kept thinking about how fucked it would be if he jumped...

"And then, he just stopped... He stopped fighting me and went downstairs as if nothing had happened, and I did the same. I figured that maybe he was drunk and had made a mistake, so I followed him down, bought a painting, and left.

"And when I got home, I looked at my hands and realized he hadn't had red wine all night. It wasn't wine... And I felt so sick to my stomach because I almost lost him. So, while my conscience was still eating me, I started looking at his card—. Sometimes the artist leaves a card when you buy a painting for commissions and stuff like that... And I texted him.

"He responded immediately, asking if I'd be in town for a while. I told him I was staying in a hotel while looking for an apartment... And then boom! He asked me to move in, and in the back of my mind, I knew I owed it to him. I said yeah," I replied.

"You know, it's not your fault... I'm pretty sure Joe would say the same. Grant, are you—? Does living with Joey comfort you, or are you afraid something bad will happen if you don't stick around?" Lixin questioned. I got choked up, and I took my dishes to the kitchen. "Grant?"

"I wanna change the subject. Um... You won't tell Joe I said all that, will you?" I asked.

"You said it to me in confidence, Grant. I wouldn't tell anyone what you told me," Lixin reassured me as he helped me wash the dishes. "Can we talk about this morning? How you beat off to my voice?" My whole face went red hot.

"Okay," I mumbled, trying to hide the embarrassment that spread across my face.

"How often would you say you touched yourself before—? You know..." He trailed off.

"Sometimes, but it wasn't like—. I don't know. Sometimes I'd do it. I was bored or because my underwear rubbed me a different kind of way. Then I'd cum, and it'd be over. Sex was weird like that too... But worse... Because it's like she's moaning, but I know it's fake because I'm not even into it, and she's trying her best to get me there...

"And even when I do get hard, it's work because I'm trying to stay hard long enough to cum so she doesn't think I'm weird, and I'm just dead-facing her in missionary because I'm focusing so hard on trying to make myself do something that should be easy... But it isn't easy, and then I start getting pissed because she's so loud and everything is wrong, so I'm starting to hate her... Because I feel like she's gonna turn around and make fun of me for it later...

"And she can see it in my face that something's switched, but she thinks that's a good sign because she's moaning louder, and I'm getting angrier. Then I'm cumming, and it's over... It's finally over, and I'm relieved. So I chuck the condom and turn on my side, and I feel like shit because she's a nice girl—. They were all nice girls... And she didn't deserve that... Like I fucked her, but I know I'll never make love to her because the thought of being with her makes me wanna be sick. I don't know... Is that fucked up?" I asked. There was something about him that made me ramble. I never would've said any of that to someone else. But then again, who else was there?

"Grant, I'm so sorry... And no, I don't think that's fucked up. I'm sorry you went through that," Lixin whispered. His voice felt safe. "Do you—? Can I hug you?"

I nodded, and he put his arms around me. It felt weird at first, but I kept thinking about how different things felt when I was with him. I was experiencing pleasure for the first time. Not that fake shit that takes up all my mental energy. No. I felt good without even trying. Lixin made me feel good. I hugged him, and Lixin rubbed my back. "Grant, there's never going to be any pressure for you to have sex with me. If you don't feel right about it, I want to know," Lixin reassured me. That fucked me up... Or maybe it made everything better.

"I'm not scared to have sex with you. I'm scared because you're the first person I've ever wanted to have sex with... I want it so bad... And I know it'll be over fast because when I'm with you, it's like—. Being around you is better than sex. Wait, no... That's stupid. Isn't it?" I asked. Lixin shook his head and smiled at me.

"I've never met anyone like you before," Lixin whispered. I kissed him. I don't know what came over me.

I chased his lips as he stepped backward out of the kitchen. Lixin touched my hand. "Where are we going with this?" Lixin whispered. I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes.

"I wanna do it," I whispered, "Or maybe something close to doing it..."

Lixin nodded with his eyes closed. "We can do that... Let's work on figuring out what you like," Lixin whispered.

He took my hand, and we went upstairs. He took off my jacket, tossing it to the side as he kissed my neck. I tilted my head backward and shut my eyes. "I like that," I mumbled. Lixin unbuttoned my shirt and sucked on my collarbone and my chest. His lips followed the buttons, and I started getting hard. Lixin rubbed the front of my jeans, and I panted, not realizing I'd held my breath.

"Fuck, I need to get a towel," Lixin mumbled, "Stay right there."

I stood by the door, waiting until he returned with three towels, and he draped them over the bed. "What are the towels for?" I asked.

"So we won't fuck up the sheets if we cum on the bed," Lixin replied. My heart started beating out of my chest, and I lay back on the towels. "You okay?"

"Um... Yeah, I think so," I whispered.

"You didn't sound too sure about that," Lixin replied as he sat beside me. He patted my leg. "Sex is scary... We're not gonna have sex, though."

"We're not?" I asked.

"No. We're gonna touch and rub up against each other and kiss. I'm not gonna put anything inside you, and I don't expect you to put anything inside me. Is that what you're worried about? Or is it something else?" Lixin asked.

I took a deep breath. "What if it's over fast?" I asked.

"I don't mind. I'm focused on learning what you like. I know what I like already, but this is new to you. I wanna take care of you," Lixin answered, "Do you think you can handle that right now?"

"Yeah," I smiled. Lixin climbed on top of me and pecked me on the lips, bouncing on my lap.

"Yeah?" Lixin asked. God, his excitement made my dick hard. That, and the bouncing. I nodded. "Yeah." I grinned and pulled at his shirt.

I kissed his neck, and he rolled off of me. I unzipped my pants as I watched him strip down, and he pulled my pants off. It dawned on me that I liked when he took control. "I like that," I mumbled as I covered my face.

"What do you like? I wanna hear you say it," Lixin whispered.

"I like when you take control like that... It's nice," I replied. Lixin grinned. He hooked his fingers into my boxers and kissed the front of my shorts. It all felt right. He pulled them off gently, squeezing lube into his hand, and hesitated.

"Can I touch you?" Lixin asked. I nodded. "Can I touch you?"

"Please touch me," I whispered as I shut my eyes. I felt the warm gel-like lube and Lixin's hand slide up my shaft. I sighed. It was happening. I had goosebumps as he slid his hand down my shaft slowly. Then he stopped. I opened my eyes, and he took the lube and smoothed it over my stomach and then over his body. I opened my mouth to speak, but the feeling of his body sliding against mine emptied every thought from my mind. He kissed my neck and lips, and I moaned. Like really moaned. Scary how good his body felt against mine. His dick ran up my balls, sending shockwaves of pleasure through my body like electric shocks from my balls to my brains. I had to chase the feeling. I thrust into it, trying to keep him there, and Lixin chuckled.

"Mmm. Where does it feel good?" Lixin whispered into my neck. I was near speechless. "Show me where with your hand. Take me there." My hand shook as I reached between us and grabbed his dick. It felt so big in my hand as I rubbed the head of his dick against my balls. He thrust against that spot, his hips rolling against mine. It took my breath away, and I never wanted to get it back.

I pushed a hand through my hair. "Don't stop," I breathed. Lixin chuckled and covered my words with open-mouth kisses. His tongue found mine, and I couldn't let him go. I wanted to stay right there on the edge of pleasure forever. I knew I was close, but it felt too good to stop. Lixin raised up, and we locked eyes in the dark. Time stopped for me as he cupped his hand against my cheek. I couldn't think about anything else. His dark brown eyes had my full attention, and I wanted to commit his glance to memory. No one had ever looked at me like that. Like I was special. He kissed me and thrust into me, and my dick pulsated, emptying my balls almost completely, and he kept hitting the same spot until I couldn't take it anymore. "Li—! Lixin! Lixin, I—!" I stammered. Lixin chuckled and rolled off me, and I rolled onto my side and reached for his dick. I stopped myself.

"You can touch me. It's okay. I'm close," Lixin grinned. I let him guide my hand, so I touched him the way he liked. "Faster." I obeyed, feeling him throb in my hand, and I kissed him.

My dick was pressed against his thigh as I got him off. He thrust into my hand, clutched the sheets, and shot thick streams of cum into the air that landed on his stomach and chest. "Oh fuck," Lixin groaned. He laughed. "You didn't have—."

"I wanted to," I mumbled. I rolled on my back and shut my eyes.

Lixin ran a finger down my cheek. "You're so cute when you're tired," Lixin whispered, "How do you feel?"

"I can't explain it... But I don't want it to end," I mumbled. Lixin kissed my cheek a few times, and I fell asleep. I woke in a fresh pair of boxers, and Lixin's limbs were tangled with mine. My phone vibrated, and I glanced at it. Joey texted me asking if I was okay. I texted back, telling him I was fine.

[journallingweeks]

feelings

My feelings towards my family members are so complex that I feel I'll live to deeply regret saying them out loud if anything were to happen to those family members, but not saying them or voicing them I believe, after reading, is literally bad for my health.

My complex relationship with my mom: I feel she is solely focused on her own life and our relationship is similar to that of really good friends - her love language is gifts, as is mine, so when she does this for me I am deeply deeply touched, and feel guilty for everything I've ever said. But at the same time, growing up we weren't given nutritious dinners - most nights we were getting food from the Deli or Joop - I often remember my uniform being stained and having a pile of clothes that I couldn't face on my bedroom floor - she could grow cold or distant when she was upset and could snap unexpectedly - she let me down a lot during college, when my friend died, or when everyone else's parents drove up often and sent up meals or made a fuss of their 21st, or helped them to learn to drive or encouraged them to begin at least - she knew I worked 40 hour weeks during the summers to pay for fees, whilst on 65 grand a year - finding out she had been purposely hiding this info from me, because in turn, I'd realise how far away we were from government funding, something I was trying to organise out of desperation for weeks. In college I sat in our year head's office crying because I had found out that day that my fees were going to be €200 more and that amount of money was colossal to me at the time- and I realised I simply couldn't pay them and had no-one to turn to. €200. It hurts that she hasn't shown much interest in seeing my bf's place that I'm moving into, or the attic in my sisters two summers ago that I spent weeks of my life renovating. It hurt when I came home from travelling for 3 months and the fridge was empty. It hurts to think how freely she'd bitch about my dad, taking full reign to turn us against him - realising in hindsight how skewed that perspective is - the hoarding being a massive issue that she won't face. Making out to be a monster and attempting to open up about my parent's sex lives which is so ridiculously out of my depth and something I'd literally hate to get into - the fact I even need to shut that down and tell her its a boundary is bizarre. The fact my sister, was 13 going out with a 19 year old, and when he gets exposed as a sex offender years later, she announces she feels sympathy for him.

the beautiful things about my mom! I love her so much. In some ways I have felt I will probably never love someone as much again. It is unconditional and I literally can not imagine my life without her. I feel like bawling my fucking eyes out when I think of her as a young girl, or on her wedding day or as a 13 year old. Or her relationship with our dog, or how much she'll miss her dad forever. She still wells up when she speaks of him and he died in 2017. She is softly spoken with tiny hands and shoulders. She loves crafts, music, art, scary films, milky tea, fantasy, shopping, going for coffees, her sister. She is a sensitive soul and emotional being. She will surprise me with my favourite lip balms and orders from cult beauty and hot water bottles. She will thoughtfully remember things I've mentioned in passing and loves to surprise. She loves trinkets and things. She has a stack of books higher than her bedside table next to her bed. She loves lavender and lemon. She is more gentle than I'll literally every be, in the way she moves and talks and thinks. She ADORES the cinema and fiction in general - 'anything escapist'. She's a feminist. When I was a teenager, and I had terrible mental health, she really really tried for me. She moved me out of a school I hated and absolutely fucked my least favourite teacher out of it, not only in person but following up with a scathing, well-articulated letter. She encouraged my artistic side by buying me paints and colours every Christmas. She made a massive effort for Christmas to be special - to keep the magic alive in it - we'd go to Blarney Woolen Mills after school and get Butler's hot chocolate there. She'd take us to Fota Christmas even as adults! We'd watch love actually by the fire with the dog. She has a great sense of humour - slightly dark and would throw her head back laughing at things. She has a secret language with her sister seemingly - that they can only understand. She loves to sing and has a beautiful voice. I love her so much. She makes an amazing milky coffee. If someone I met told me I was just like my mom, I would be so flattered. She wearings beautiful craft earrings with a matching printed coat and dress with clogs of some sort - stunning blue eyeliner with the cutest bob haircut and a fringe, always. Sometimes, in casual wear, she'll wear a low tiny bun, gold sleeper earrings and an oversized sweatshirt and it is so effortlessly beautiful. She uses her tiny hands when she's speaking or telling a story. I love her so much

[rain-fluff]

Journal One

It's hard for me to think about what happened over the course of just this week alone. Mostly because I've become too tired to even think straight.

From mentally prepping myself starting off the first week of the semester with some pretty heavy course subjects to suddenly be alerted that my cat just passed away because her body was just too weak to try to keep herself alive; I'm overwhelmed and yet I don't allow myself to grieve too long because I have other matters and errands to attend to. I did give myself time to bawl my eyes out moreso during the weekend but at the same time it felt more like a pity party than actual grief or mourning. I think I'm too burnt out from taking care of these furrballs for so long that I wonder if I truly did love them like I thought I did.

The first person to assure to me that she was loved in her final moments; I can't help but feel disgusted by those words. I really just haven't felt that I was worthy of such praise for a long time. I remember being too scared to spend time or return her affections while I had my meals in the dining room, always begging me for scraps and I'd oblige because it was the only thing that encouraged her appetite. Maybe she did feel loved, but I can't help but feel I could've done more. Much like the many cats that have passed away before her.

You know how cats run away from their owners when they feel like they're dying? Bob never really tried to leave. In fact, all she did was be more affectionate; a stark contrast to her normal stoic and aloof personality. I really can't tell if that's meant to be more reassuring or tragic. I could hardly sleep on the day she passed but my need for rest felt like it shouldn't matter so much when someone who had been a part of your life for years abruptly dissapear from you just like that.

On another note, I do want to get back into painting and using traditional art mediums again. My eyes are so used to being glued to a screen that I forget what it's like to actually take a break from it. It's hard considering that a lot of my hobbies revolve around social media and talking to my friends online and I feel guilty for not checking my phone for updates once in a while. I could use a metaphorical figure to whack me in the head and remind me to take some breaks though.

Overall, my week hasn't really been too eventful besides my pet passing. Maybe I'll have more eventful days moving forward. (and hopefully with less announcements of death) And maybe one day I'll turn this sketch into a proper painting much like my other sketches and work in progresses. Is it ironic that I drew a fictional character with cat ears before my cat just died? Or was it my subconscious trying to turn her hospitalization into a more light hearted event via escapism? I should probably end it here before this gets too lengthy.

-rain

[rainylana]

Eddie knocking you up

Eddie Munson x reader

summary: my headcanons for how eddie would react to getting you pregnant;)

warnings: just language!

• it would be by total accident. you both were WAY too young to even consider having children, and neither of you ever thought you wanted them.

• he definitely wouldn’t get all “i’m so happy princess blah blah” no. it’s eddie we’re talking about. he’d freak the fuck out. he’d abandon you for a couple days, and you’d have an absolute meltdown thinking that he had left you. but he didn’t know what else to do. he had to be alone with his thoughts.

• he’d feel guilty for leaving, but he was too scared to go back. he couldn’t even comprehend, wouldn’t even be able to process the news. he’d be scared shitless.

• when he eventually did come back, you were seething angry, but deep down relieved to see his puppy dog eyes. you slapped him across the face as you cried.

• “y/n…i’m sorry. i screwed up, i know. i just, god, do you really think i’m ready to be a dad?”

“no, i don’t. but, i’m not ready to be a mother, either. so…i guess we’ll just figure it out.”

• it took about a week after you both found out before it really sunk in. then, it became more exciting and real. it happened when you were both out at the local diner, and seen an old high school graduate walk in with a baby boy on her hip. he had been giggling and smiling, gaining the attention of everyone.

• “holy shit. you know what i just realized? we’re gonna have one of those. you and i. like us.”

• it was still a lot to process, but you both loved each other with everything you had. and you couldn’t deny it, imagining your lover with a crying baby was the most adorable thing you could imagine.

• he treated you like royalty during the pregnancy, but god, you scared the shit out of him. you were flat out mean sometimes, only due to the mood swings, of course. sometimes the kids didn’t even want to show up for hellfire night, because you scared them too.

• he tried to be calm and rational when you’d get overwhelmed over something and bawl your eyes out. he just learned to agree with everything you said and admit everything was his fault.

• “goddamnit, i can’t get my jeans up! oh, god- i’m huge! none of my clothes fit anymore! look at me!”

“honey, you look beautiful. calm down.”

“calm down?”

• he was sent to the moon that day.

• during labor, he was almost more of a wreck than you. he put the sympathy in sympathy pains, for sure. each contraction, each scream, he was with you through it all. he held your hand while you pulled his hair out by the roots, screaming as more and more contractions came. he screamed right along with you.

• “oh, god, eddie i can’t do it! i can’t, i changed my mind. i don’t wanna do it, let’s go.”

“i think it’s too late for that, sweetheart.”

“i hate you! this is your fault!

“i know, i’m sorry.”

• when the baby finally came, he cried. you had a son, with curly, jet black hair just like his daddy.

• it was unimaginable the kind of love he felt for his child, and he fell in love you all the more for it. he was an amazing father, and wanted to do almost everything.

• except change diapers.

• of course, he took the baby to hellfire night when he was older, sitting him proudly on his shoulders like a little king. you wouldn’t allow him to go as a newborn. you didn’t trust dustin to hold him properly, and frankly, neither did eddie.

• he was the proudest a father could be, showing off his son as his greatest accomplishment he could ever achieve. he promised to be a better role model than his father ever was.

• steve and robin babysit;)

[erodasfishtacos]

how about when they first noticed ezra was a nervous and anxious baby ?

Seperation

prompt: the moment when h and yn decide that Ezra needs to see a therapist.

warnings: angst

if you like the fic - please reblog, like, comment, or come talk to me in my inbox!

I write for free so if you enjoy my fics please consider donating to support my writing on my kofi.

enjoy 😊

—

It’s late at night, like 3 in the morning, and Harry was down in Atlanta for three games with the Braves.

Easton and Cash had long adjusted to their father being away for short spurts of time - doesn’t mean they don’t miss him but they know he’ll come back to them.

Ezra was another story.

YN felt dread anytime he went away for a game because her youngest got so anxious and had trouble sleeping.

He was usually okay during the day (Harry was gone for practice and obligations during most mornings and afternoons).

It was at night time.

She really didn’t want to call and bother her husband because he had just played a game that went into three innings of overtime and had gotten a gnarly bruise on his thigh from a ball hitting him as he batted.

When they’d FaceTimed after the game, about eight, he had been so exhausted in his hotel room that his eyes were nearly closing as he spoke to her.

Now at three, three in the morning, Ezra still hasn’t went to bed because of how fussy and tearful he was - babbling about his father.

“Daddy, daddy, daddy,” He was whining into his mother’s neck, his hot tears rolling down his cheeks and onto her skin.

“Ezzie, baby. We have to calm down. Mama’s here and daddy is okay, he’s just working,” She murmured to him for the hundredth time that night.

YN was sat in the den with him because she didn’t want him waking up his brothers or his little sister who just begun to sleep through the night for the most part.

At one point, she did stir for a night feeding, and as YN sat on her bed - Briar latched sleepily, Ezra was nestled tightly into her other side.

When it hit three-thirty, she began to feel herself get frustrated because she couldn’t fix the situation - no matter what she did.

She knew once tears began rolling down her own cheeks that she had to call Harry.

It was never that she was worried he would be mad that she called, she just felt guilty because he had worked so hard already that day.

YN reaches for her phone, taking a deep inhale before pressing his contact for facetime.

It rings three times before it’s picked up, completely dark in his room, and he rasps out drowsily, “Wha’s going on, mama? Y’alright? The babies alright?”

“I-I can’t get him to settle,” YN takes a deep breath, the sleep deprivation making her want to just break down and sob.

“Daddy? Daddy, daddy, daddy,” Ezra just chants, eyes wide on the screen, searching for his father to just appear but all he sees is darkness.

That causes him to just start bawling his eyes out when he can’t will his father onto the phone like he wants.

“Whoa, Ezzie. Sweet boy, c’mon. Y’gotta breathe s’daddy can understand you,” Harry coos, stirring to turn on the light and illuminate his pillow-creased face.

“Daddy!” His voice is shrill, high-pitched and it makes YN’s ears ring.

“Ezra Duke,” Harry says a little more firmly, “Daddy can’t understand you when you scream, okay?”

The little boy sniffles and tries to catch his breath, leaning into where YN is rubbing soothing circles into his back.

“Miss you,” His son whimpers sadly, bringing his voice down a notch, “Come home, please.”

“I am flying’ home tomorrow, bab. Daddy will be home around noon but you have to be good for mama,” He says, voice still smooth and calm.

“Now!” Ezra screams in a way he usually never does and then continues, “Now! Now daddy! Now!”

Both parents are taking aback, Harry with wide eyes and parted lips as he watching his son through his phone and YN just squeezes her eyes shut, exhaling out of her mouth.

“Mama, breathe,” Harry directs towards her, can tell how overwhelmed she is getting from all the chaos of his screaming.

“Daddy, daddy,” Ezra blubbers, green eyes angry and anxious at the same time, “Please, home!”

YN hears noise from behind her, to see her eight year old padding into the room with his unruly curls poking every which way.

“Mama, is Ezzie okay?” Easton wonders, knuckling his eyes sleepily and then Cash follows right behind him in his dinosaur pajamas.

“Fuck, he woke up the boys,” YN informs Harry tearfully, “I just…I don’t know what to do. I can’t do anything to make him feel better.”

The older boys peek into the screen to smile at their dad and Harry gives them a tense smile, “Hi boys, I know Ez is being loud but can y’two be good f’your mama and go back to bed?”

They agree, giving their upset brother a kiss and then their mom before talking quietly to each other as they walk up the stairs.

“Daddy? Home, please! Hold me!” Ezra wails, clinging to his mother’s neck tightly enough to hurt as he tantrums.

“This is the worst it’s ever been, he’s normally stopped before I’ve had to call you,” YN groans, rocking him swiftly against her for lack of a better idea.

“Wait…” Harry sits up, scrubbing a hand over his puffy face, “Has this been happening’ every time m’away?”

“It just started two to three months ago but he’s always been able to be calmed down within an hour or so,” YN replies, shushing Ezra as he babbles over and over again daddy, daddy, daddy.

Harry’s jaw tightens and his frown settles into a deep crease, “Well why a’ve you not told me that m’baby has been cryin’ for me when I’m gone? Do y’not think that’s important?”

YN recognizes his irritation and is running on less than five hours of sleep over two days and may he’s it back with an even sharper tone.

“We can’t change that you’re gone. I’m trying to handle it, Harry.”

“Y’not doin’ a bloody good job at it!” Harry bites back in frustration, heart pounding in desperation as he hears his son cry for him.

“Daddy, daddy, come on.”

Then YN looks at him with watering, hurt eyes, “I’m doing my best. You’re not here, I can’t make you appear. I’m trying to calm him down without having to wake you up.”

And Harry shouldn’t but he’s angry and misses his babies - all of them but especially the one who needs him the most right now.

“Y’dont think I deserve to know tha’ Ezra’s been acting like this?” Harry snaps before adding, “In this situation, y’best isn’t good enough because he’s still crying and y’still haven’t been able to settle him.”

And wow, those words hit her like a ton of bricks. It was instilling all the insecurities that she had bubbling in her chest.

In this situation, y’best isn’t good enough because he’s still crying and y’still haven’t been able to settle him.

Harry automatically knows that he spoke before he thought and he let his stressed out mind say untrue hurtful things.

He part his lips about to speak before YN cuts him off.

“If you can do it so much better than me, fucking good you. Then come home and fix this because I give up,” YN laughs without humor, finger finding the red button to hang out and disconnecting.

Harry tried calling back over and over and over but YN just hangs her head, sniffling, as she watches her tired, anxious little son finally drift off to sleep.

At some point, her phone stops ringing when he’s given up and it doesn’t ring again until for another thirty minutes.

She knew he was going to keep calling until she picked up - had been that way since they first started dating.

By now, Ezra was asleep in his room and YN was sat against their headboard - having tossed the tear soaked shirt she had on off and was feeding Briar once more.

The millionth facetime request comes through and finally she swipes to answer, he’s furious right as they connect, “D’you have any idea how worried I am? Y’cant ju-“

He stops himself when he sees his baby girl pop her head from her mother’s breast with puffy lips and look at the screen, “Dadadadada.”

“Oh, hi lil’ mama,” Harry changes his tone completely, face softening - “Did I interrupt y’eatin’? S’mama being so nice and feeding you?”

Briar just smiles with a gapped baby tooth smile, a dimple pushing into her left cheek as she does so.

“Guess I’m good for one thing, right? A fucking milk-maker,” YN scoffs at her husband’s opposite tone as she guides Briar gently back down to finish her meal.

Harry frowns, “Y’know tha’s not anything near the truth and tha’ I think you’re the best mama to our babies. M’just upset.”

“You told me my best wasn’t good enough, I can’t believe you would say something like tha’ to me,” YN begins to sniffle again.

“Sweetheart, m’sorry. I ju-“

“What did you call for, Harry? It’s nearly four-thirty in the morning and I haven’t slept for nearly two days now. I want to feed her and go to sleep,” YN’s voice is disconnected and exhausted.

“To talk, I didn’t say how I was feeling correctly-“

“When you come home tomorrow you can fix everything and I’ll let you because I’m not doing a good enough job,” His wife cuts him off again.

Harry starts to feel a ball of worry form in his throat as he hears how unemotional and distance his wife sounds with him.

He had totally said the wrong things as his wife was just trying to do her best at balancing four babies while he was away.

“Please, let me apologize-“

“I would like to go to sleep. Please don’t call back,” YN responds before ending the phone call and leaving the screen dark.

They rarely ever fought. Especially like this.

He’s man enough to admit that he cries after he tries calling back (even though she said not to) and it went straight to voicemail.

-

He tries facetiming in the morning, at around nine right before if flight takes off - surprised when it actually was picked up.

Harry only sees YN for a brief moment before she’s propping up the camera on the kitchen table so that Easton and Cash are in view eating pancakes and Briar is in her high chair with blueberries staining her chubby cheeks.

Ezra must still be in bed.

“Hi bubbies,” Harry greets with a smile as they’re curls shake as they look up with excited smiles.

“Daddy! You comin’ home?” Cash squeaks excitedly through a mouthful of food.

“Hi dad!” Easton chimes in, waving.

Briar is only half-interested, more taken by the fact that if she squishes the berries between her fingers they turn mushy, babbles out a, “Daddadaa.”

“I’ll be home in like three hours, ‘kay” Harry informs them - his heart aches to be there right now with theme

“Ezzie cried all night,” Cash let’s his father know.

“Mama cried too,” Easton whispers, like it’s a secret that he doesn’t want her to hear, “I think she is really sad.”

Harry squeezes his eyes shut for a minute, “I know. Ezzie was sad last night. Can I talk to mama?”

Easton looks to his mother off camera as she must say something to him to repeat to Harry, “Mama said that she is busy and she’ll see you when you get home.”

He clenches his fist off camera, trying to smile but he knows it’s terse as he says, “Alright, I love you all. See y’when I get home.”

-

Meanwhile, YN gets all the children settled after breakfast.

Easton, Cash, and Ezra in the backyard - the two older ones digging holes for bugs and the younger playing in the sandbox.

Briar was snoozing in the cradle of YN’s elbow as she sat on a chaise - watching the kids.

She hits the number she was looking for, waiting for it to ring, and then she hears, “Hillside Pediatrics, this is Jess.”

The office knew the family well because Harry is Harry Styles and they have four children who visit there.

YN inquires about therapeutic options for him, resources, and if they had any recommendations for where to take him.

Like the super mom she is, she manages to set up an intake appointment that evening (which was a miracle on its own), call Anne and ask to watch the other children, and then take a deep breathe.

Harry steps through the back door, dressed in his usual Yankees hoodie, Nike shorts, and trainers looking tanner than before.

“Hi bubbies!” He greets, basking in when all of his children look up and squeal excitedly at the sight of their father.

Easton and Cash are the fastest, racing to cling to each legs and nuzzle into his thigh with a tight hug.

Ezra is slower, by the time he’s arrived to his father - there was no room for him to shuffle in and he automatically lets out an earth-shattering wail.

Just like before.

“Daddy! Hold me! Daddy, hold me please!” His youngest son begs desperately, stretching up his arms, and letting hot tears stream down his cheeks.

Harry tuts, reaching for him and popping him on his hip but Ezra has other ideas - scrambling until his nose is pressed into the curve of Harry’s neck with his arms wrapped tightly around him.

“Ezzie, c’mon now,” Harry titters softly, reaching down to give both of his other boys a kiss on the head before they dart back off to play.

“Daddy, miss you,” Ezra blubbers sadly, Harry wincing when his son yanks a bit in his longer curls by the nape of his neck.

“Y’okay, daddy’s got you. Relax, breathe bubba,” His father reassured him, swaying softly back and forth until he’s just sniffing.

“We have an appointment with a children’s play therapist for him later at five,” YN tells him, shushing Briar who’s squeaking from the noise.

Harry takes a deep inhale, “Okay, that sounds like a good idea. Can we talk now since y’been ignoring my calls?”

YN bristles at the attitude in his tone, “Excuse me if I’d rather not be critiqued on my skills as a mother when I am sleep-deprived and stressed out.”

He clenches his jaw, speaking lowly with firmness, “Y’bein’ absurd! I didn’t critique to you, y’blowing things out of proportion! Y’the one who didn’t tell me this was going on!”

“It didn’t get that bad until last night! I could handle it - he would just be upset for a little before bed but he’d never got that anxious before,” She justifies, returning the glare he’s giving her.

“Didn’t think y’could mentioned it to me? I have a right to know, he’s m’baby too. I could have fix this yet you were letting him suffer,” Harry bites out but know as soon as it’s out of his mouth that he wishes he could swallow the words back down.

You were letting him suffer.

YN doesn’t even argue back, just starts bawling because of how hurtful those words were and how could he even say that?

“Mama, fuck- I didn’t, I’m just-“

His wife gets up without a word, using Briar’s blanket to wipe at her wet cheeks, and vanishing through the sliding back doors.

Ezra was snoozing peacefully on him and he couldn’t leave the boys outside alone so he resorts to sitting down on one of the outdoor couches and curse internally.

He couldn’t believe he was being so cruel. He just felt so….betrayed that she hadn’t told him what had been going on and he felt like he was letting down Ezra.

It was a nasty feeling of guilt in the pit of his stomach because he was away so much from his family and it was stressful for everyone.

He wanted to cry at the idea of his son crying for him every night.

-

Harry starts to get anxious when YN isolates herself in their bedroom with Briar for the next upcoming hours.

He knocks softly, opening the door to YN turned on her side away from him, under the covers, with Briar asleep in her bassinet asleep.

“Mama? Y’awake?” Harry murmurs cautiously with a sandwich and chips since she’d disappeared and hadn’t been down once, water in the other hand.

“Are the boys okay?” YN asks quietly, not bothering to turn over to face him.

“Yes, babies are fine. They’re watchin’ Toy Story right now, eatin’ lunch,” Harry replies, eyes falling in his beautiful little daughter.

“If the boys are fine then I don’t want you in here,” YN tells him with an angry tone but low enough that it won’t disturb Briar.

Harry nearly whimpers.

“Baby, please. We need to talk-“

“If the boys are fine, I want you to leave me alone.”

Harry hesitates by the door, feeling helpless as he slips the plate onto the dresser in case she is hungry but he doubts she’ll touch it.

“Alright, I’ll leave y’be. Call me if y’need anythin’ or help with Briar,” He offers, trying to buy time in the room.

She laughs sarcastically, “Yeah, I’ll make sure you’re notified because I can’t do a good enough job myself.”

Harry sighs, running a hand through his hair, trying to conjure up the perfect words to fix this situation but it’s interrupted.

“Daddy? Daddy? Where? Hold me!” Ezra screeches as Easton stands outside the door with him, holding his hand.

“Dad, he won’t stop,” The oldest complains with annoyance as Ezra scurries to his father and up into his arms.

“Daddy daddy,” He chants into his father’s skin with relief.

“Thank y’East, Ezzie’s been sad lately. Huh?” Harry replies, thumbing at Easton’s cheek.

The oldest shrugs, “Not always. Mama cheers him up all the time with kisses and hugs.”

Harry gazes back to the lump under the blankets and feels himself getting choked up. He really really regretted his words.

He didn’t regret being upset with her. He regrets the cheap shots he took at his wife who’s just trying to be a full time mom to his babies.

“Mama?” Ezra squeaks at the word, realizing he hasn’t seen her recently and then he’s back to tantruming, “Mama, mama, mama. Where’s mama?”

“M’right here, Ez,” YN murmurs, flipping to her other side so that her youngest could see her. His face lights up and he scurries to the bed, scampering up until his mom is tucking him under the blankets with her.

Harry’s heart aches when Ezra whimpers quietly and burrows into her warm chest with happiness that he found his mother.

“Y’got him?” Harry asks, hand raking through Easton’s curls as he leans into his father’s side.

“Can we go play now, dad?” Easton asks impatiently, tugging his father out of the room and down the staircase.

-

Anne shows up and the two older ones are so excited, bouncing up and down as they tug her into the backyard to show her the holes they dug with Briar popped on her hip - gnawing on her shirt collar.

YN brings Ezra down the stairs, curls tamed with a bit styling mousse and a little adias x disney outfit that was the cutest thing ever. ***

Harry reaches out to take Ezra off YN but he whines and shakes his head, clinging to his mother like it was life or death.

“No daddy! Mama!” Ezra pouts angrily, glaring at his father with protectiveness.

He puts his hands up, “Okay, okay. Y’can stay with y’mama.”

-

The car ride is silent, Harry doesn’t know what to say and YN isn’t giving him anything to work with. He feels like he’ll just say the wrong thing again.

When they pull up to the building and Harry puts it in park, he’s startled when his wife just starts bawling into her hands.

Harry freezes for a second with wide eyes before rumbling, “Mama, sweetheart. Please don’t cry, it breaks m’heart, darlin’.”

“I’m…I’m no-not a good mom,” YN cries, “I wanted to tell you but I was scared. I don’t want you to think I can’t handle raising our babies.”

Harry pries her hands away from her face, cupping her cheeks and firmly staring, full conviction in his voice, “If I didn’t think y’could handle four babies then I wouldn’t have put them in you. I wouldn’t talk about putting more in you.”

YN’s eyes are watering, letting Harry swipe the tears away with his thumbs as she inhales deeply, “I am so so sorry I didn’t tell you. I don’t want you to worry when you’re away.”

Harry leans forward, kissing her harshly before whispering against her lips, “I don’t give a fuck about baseball in comparison to you and the kids. I’d give it up this second if y’asked. I want to worry because you’re the love of m’life and I’m y’husband - I’m here to support you and support our family.”

He continues, “I am a bit frustrated with you. I want you to tell me everything I miss when I’m gone even if it stresses me out or upsets me. Okay? But I shouldn’t have said hurtful things. You’re the best mama on this planet and y’treat our babies the best.”

YN nods, willing herself to stop crying as their appointment starts in ten minutes as she takes steady breathes.

“I forgive you. I’m sorry I let my pride get in the way. I just…I feel like you do everything for us and the least I could do is manage the kids,” She sighs with self-deprecation.

“Mama, just because one of our bubs needs therapy doesn’t mean you’re not doing a perfect job. We’ve always know Ezzie was an anxious baby. This is going to be good for him and for us, right?” He encourages, nosing at her cheek before she offers up her lips once more for a short kiss.

“I love you,” YN tells him, running a thumb of a light dusting of stubble on his jawline.

“Love y’more than anything,” He replies instantly.

-

Ezra is nervous as they step into the calming, peaceful office where there are neatly organized buckets of toys and shelves of books.

Patricia was a middle-aged woman with a kind smile who welcomed them in, she observed how Ezra had himself wrapped around his dad with hesitant green eyes peeking at her.

As they sit down, Patricia says softly, “This must be Ezra?”

They all wait for a moment before the toddler turns around to look at the woman and says timidly, “m’Ezzie.”

“Hi Ezzie,” The therapist greets and he gives her a cautious smile before nuzzling back into his father’s neck.

The discuss what has been going on. How Ezra has always been very nervous, anxious, cautious in a way that none of his other siblings are.

How he struggles when one of his parents is away from him, how he can get upset if he can’t find one of his siblings, or how much he worries about things most kids his age don’t worry about.

Patricia does an excellent job in calming down the parents, assuring them that it was nothing out of the norm, and that therapy would be beneficial for him.

She states that they’ll work a lot of feelings - being able to describe and recognize them. That will be one of the most important things.

Also working on his ability to calm down and cope with stressful situations, recommending once a week which of course his parents agreed to.

By the end of the intake, Ezra had ventured to take one of the baby dolls from a bin and bring it back to his father.

“Look daddy, s’a baby,” He lisps proudly, holding it up to show him.

“Good job, bubs,” Harry laughs, leaning to kiss his forehead - watching him toddle off to find more dolls to play with.

-

That night, after all the kids go to bed, and YN is finishing her final feeding with Briar in her nursery before putting in her crib.

Harry runs a nice, steaming bath with lavender bubbles and a candle burning with the lights dimmed low.

When she finds him, he slowly undresses her with warm kisses and praises of how good of a wife and mother she is.

They lay in there together, YN between his legs with her head rested on his chest, as his hands massage at her tummy and hips lovingly.

And yeah, everything is okay after that.

They get up the next day and everything is back to normal except now Ezra goes to therapy once a week with his parents.

(Ezra ends up working with Patricia until he’s in about sixth grade.)