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blondrichclosetwitch · 4 months

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Jan 3 2017 New recording 55

Who is this?

Ummmmmmmm...is this a relative?

Yes?

Is this a female relative?

Is this....Johnine? (Johnine was my oldest cousin, who died in 2014)

(softly) hi

One of my friends basically called me crazy last night, because she was worried about me....because i’m seeing all of this. “Making all this up.”

Am I going crazy?

.......................

My connection with Katie is real.

She wouldn't lie to me. (Starts tearing up)

And it’s true about my father. (Haven’t really gone into this yet, but even before telling me this story about Katie & J & me being Nusch & Sonia & Paul, I was told that my father did something to me as a child. That storyline went very far, and I can’t really deal with listening to those tapes for more than five minutes. There’s a lot of them. What I was told caused a major rift in our family.)

Katie’s helping me...solve....and it’s true about me and Katie in a past life. About us being Nusch & Sonia, ....and because we were separated I ended my life. And that’s why she’s staying with me now. (Bursts into tears)

I just chose to tell the wrong person.

So I’m not going crazy.

Is Jakk going to call me today?

....................

It’s about us. And Katie & Jakk are connected. They look alike. They do. (starts crying again) (starts typing something about Heroes)

He knew the story. How did he know the story? Of Nusch & Sonia.

Nusch was this beautiful...she was a Cancer. Wait, if she was June 21st..((starts googling) She was a Gemini! Born on the very last day of Gemini.

And Sonia was a Scorpio. We don't have Sonia’s birthday though. Sonia MOSSE, painter, (She sighs)

1897-1943. 07, 17, 27, 37, she was 40...so wait let’s do the math.(starts crying again, turns into laughter) of course. Of course. She was 46 when she died. And she was an actress close to antonin artaud.

(looking at pictures) that one’s adorable.

So wait.......that’s sonia.

That must be nusch.

I just have to let go of what erin said, right? Cause this is my new year.

I know what’s true.

I mean, I am doing exactly what I need to do. I’m very grounded. I should be watching more tv, but...thank you for saying that. But I am going for walks every day, and I’m touching trees every day. And that’s why I had to block her phone number.

You don’t know anything about anything. Let it go, let it go, let it go. Are you feeling left out these days Starla?

What is going on with Jakk? Is he waiting for today?

What? He’s waiting for today?

I doubt he’s that romantic.

I doubt he’s got his shit together that much.

I’m not going to spend any more time...I made the wrong decision in telling Erin, though i wanted to tell her about Heroes.Let’s do cards.

(shuffling) Who’s doing cards with me today?

Thanks, Johnine, for coming in btw.

Horse?

Ok good because i don’t want a super long reading. I had a short conversation with Jane yesterday. (Jane was a medium friend on the west coast)

(Still shuffling)

Alright, here we go.

Alright let’s look at it.

Birthday reading, huh

Ace of Cups......Jakk?

We’re talking to Horse now. (Jane had told me I had a strong horse presence around me since November, which was the first time I was ever told about an animal presence. A few weeks before, Langston had told me about a Lion presence, also. So apparently spirit animals are really a thing.That said, I never truly knew who I was talking to at that point, apparently.)

Is this.....after he got....my text that said that Katie said that I needed to fix this?

Oh so he thought I meant it when i said that i was walking away. Ok.

So, ace of cups–period of conflict will end. Spiritual & psychic development.

Judgement card,,,is that card Jakk? Let’s look at....having a day of reckoning. Feeling reborn. That’s it.

He’s gonna call me today. It’s my birthday. He’s gonna call me.

Queen of Pentacles reversed. That’s Blond. Yes? Blond?

She’s losing it. Losing your home. Something’s terribly wrong here, insecure, unstable, ...she’s just not doing well. Get it.

7 of cups. Is that Blond, drinking a lot?

And then 12 of pentacles.

And the first card is the death card. Is that blond by her self? Parting of the ways.

“2 of pentacles can also also suggest the sideways of money, as in transferring money from one account to another. This card is known as the profit and loss card, and can reference playing the stock market. In a relationship spread, a situation regarding finance has to be made. You may be deciding between two partners based on their financial status.

In a career reading the two of pentacles suggests working as a writer.

The type of writing suggested by this would be journalism and reporting. With the infinity symbol, the cycle of writing is suggested. “

You’re talking about him doing writing?? (Laughs with delight—listening to this, it’s clear who they were referring to.)

You want him to do.......whoa! Has he been writing lately? Alot! Wow! Regularly? Really?

“We also see the movement from one career to another. You may be putting money aside to go back to college & retrain. On the other hand, you may be juggling two careers. “

(now, i don’t know when exactly Blond went to law school, but this was the beginning of 2017, so you do the math. Also the tape is at 1:09:28 at this point, go figure.)

And the 4 of cups reversed, is that him? Interest, proactive, enthusiasm, throwing yourself back into life again.

Can suggest that the time for being hurt upset and angry is over.

In relationships, 4 cups reversed can see you ditching a relationship that you now consider boring. Renewed interest in life again and feeling energized.

And the 6 of swords, is that him moving in with me?

The page of cups, is that him feeling romantic about me? And the 10 of cups is that us being happy together?

I’m all for that.

Now the High Priestess rx is interesting. I’m curious about that, who is that? Is that me? No.

yes. Huh.

“There may be someone offering you sound advice, but you’re choosing not to hear it. You’re distracting yourself to not hear it. Maybe you’re afraid to stop and go within for fear of what you’ll find. The decisions you may have to make is painful & difficult. The truth you may have to face about yourself or others may shock or disturb you.

The High Priestess is the guardian of secrets and will keep confidences, but when she reverses, she can suggest betrayal by a woman (1:18:38–unfuckingbelieveable).”

Ok, thank you for the message! And i assume the magician is jakk.

(tickled pink & oblivious as all fuck) this is my birthday reading. Awesome, birthday reading!

“Very powerful male presence. Something miraculous is going to happen. You have more power than you realize. Ideas are still in their formation process at this stage and not fully complete; you must know what you are doing and why.

The magician can conjure up anything he desires, pulling rabbits out of hats, and can make anything seem believable. He is a master of illusion and will have you doubting what you see or convince you see something other than what you do. When the magician appears, even in the upright, it would be advisable for you to look closer or deeper into your situation, as everything may not be as it appears. There may be important items or aspects concealed, and this may be deliberate. Don’t be taken in by the smooth talker just because she comes with qualifications and letters after his name. If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. Make sure this person has your best interest at heart.”

Can i stop reading now? Ok, thank you.

And i assume the 8 of swords is Blond. We know what that’s about.

I’m the Star card. Other than being David Bowie. Hi david, wherever you are! We”ll see you later on today. (The TR told me that I was to spend my birthday going to David’s favorite places in NYC, that he was a guide of mine.)

The star card is.......jakk. Is there anything we need to read about that? (sing-song) birthday reading!

The star brings liberation and freedom after the chains of the devil and the shock of the tower. The fact that the woman is wearing no clothes symbolizes she has nothing to hide. After the mask she wore in the devil is ripped off her in the tower, she is now free to be herself and show who she really is. (the funny thing is, i pulled three cards the night of my birthday the other day, and the third card was the star. )

It’s the calm after the storm! No one owns you anymore. You just get to be yourself.

And i imagine the queen of wands rx is Blond having a temper tantrum, and the 4 of pentacles rx ....that’s a stability card. Is that....jakk? Probably a money thing.

Is this about the divorce? And the king of cups, thats just him being kind and compassionate. I suppose you want me to look it up. Of course you do, you want me to do my homework.

Soft and gentle man. Knows when his family is hurting. Is that all i needed to see?

I know he’s good. I know that he’s a good person! (end tape.)

Bowie

Jan 4 2017

(Heroes is playing)

David. David. David. David.

Hello!

David!

Did you write heroes for sonia and nusch?

I mean i know it was partially for your producer, but it was for sonia and nusch!

Yes. yes!

Yes!

How did you.....someone told you the story in berlin.

Was it.....was it a woman who told you?

No....it was a man.

It was a man

You saw the photograph

And this man.....how did he know?

Was he...related to nusch?

He was related to nusch

Was it that you saw *the* picture that man ray took of the two of them?

Did he have journals of nusch?

Did he have the letters that passed back and forth between nusch and sonia?

Did he read them to you? He spoke french. Oh, he was french.

Where did you see this picture?

Was it where you were recording? Was it the house where you were staying?

It was a place you were visiting, when you were with brian eno...were you with the producer too?

Was it a museum?

On surrealism?

Artists of the surrealists period? Man ray? And picasso?

So there were pictures of nusch.

Holy shit.

So you took an interest in it.

So this man, you had to seek him out. Because you were curious.

Was it because you were curious about the picture of sonia and nusch?

Am i getting it correct?

And so he met with you.

Was he related to paul? Or was he the friend that nusch stayed with?

Wait is that possible.

(sighs loudly)

Cause he would have been dead.

Died in the forties.......was it....was it someone related......who had the letters, the french man. Someone who know the story.

But the man who nusch stayed with would have been dead by the 70’s.,

So it had to be someone who collected......

Someone who collected things told you the story.

That’s who told you the story of nusch and sonia.

And he was old! He was much older than you.

Right?

Why doesn’t anyone know this?

People don’t know this do they?

They do?

But there’s nothing on the internet about it!

It’s for me to write. Yeah.

Well, you wrote it. But you didn’t say.

Was nusch supposed to be the king? And sonia was the queen?

Nusch was the strong one.

And sonia killed herself by plastic bag. Sonia was very tragic.

(exhales)

And you knew i was sonia the moment you died

(whispers to self) this is fucking wild

And so you wrote heroes for me. And for katie.

Whoa.

No wonder it means so much to me

Ok.

That’s all i need for now. It’s the most beautiful song ever written i’m glad we’re in agreement. Jakk’s going to come back to me. He knows that he’s paul, doesn’t he.

Thank you, thank you Star.

(looks at time) 4:44.

(end tape)

New recording 56 1/5/17

Nusch. Katie, nusch.

Hi hi hi hi hi.

Let’s see.

Where to go.

So many places.

No? Not so many places?

Is there one specific place you want to go? um.....Blond? Blond.

Ok hold on a second.

Talk to me about blond.

Do you want to talk to me about blond as pablo picasso? You want me to write tomorrow about her as pablo.

Ok.

To jakk.

Is it because you think that she needs to know so she stops being aggressive towards me? So she’ll understand why she’s aggressive towards me?

Um........is she actually still in love with jakk?

So we probably need to talk tomorrow about the relationship between pablo and nusch and sonia so i can explain it better.

Were paul and pablo friends?

Was pablo mad at paul? For...oh for taking nusch away. Oh yeah. Oh so she’s punishing paul also. So she’s punishing both sonia and paul.

Huh.

Because he had , deep feelings for nusch. But they were unrequited. Got it.

Ok.

So they were unrequited.........

When nusch ........when nusch found out about sonia....so the suicide note....can we go over it again?

Was it to nusch?

I’m unclear, did it say “find me” five times?

Are you *sure*?

You know i wrote that in a piece. Dude i’ve got to fucking tell joy that.

........

Are you sure?

You swear?

Cherche-moi, cherche-moi, cherche moi

You SWEAR.

On your love for me.

REALLY?

So when....ok. So part of the thing of this lifetime is that...paul is a little less of an intellectual, and sonia is a little less of an animal, and that’s why they can be together in this lifetime. And nusch needs...this is how nusch can be with both of them, ...is by them being together.

By jakk and i being together.

...

So.......

Because she did love paul. She loved being with paul.

But sonia was like her....sonia had her heart. Paul had her head, sonia had her heart.

And so she was hoping...even though it didn’t work the first time.....was she going to divorce paul?

Yes, she was going to.

Yeah.

Because she knew that sonia needed her.

And because she knew she was completely in love with her.

And because she knew that paul had his career. And that he would be ok, even though he loved her.

But he couldn’t stand the idea of losing her. And that’s why he sent her away. Because actually he really did..love her.

Did he at that point know about the affair with pablo picasso?

Was he as bothered by the affair with pablo?

So, he sent her out of paris cause like........YEAH, because it was a threat....(End tape)

#watch the tapes #nusch and sonia #fanfic #past lives

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daddysprincess-things · 9 months

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1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Yes yes yes

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? No

3. Have you taken someones virginity? Yes

4. Is trust a big issue for you? Meh

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Yessss

6. What are you excited for? i’m goin away this weekend and i am exciteddddd

7. What happened tonight? it’s morning silly

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?nahhh girls can do whatever they want to

9. Is confidence cute? mostly but I hateeeee cockiness

10. What is the last beverage you had? smoothie

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? a handful, maybe 3? Idk boys are so dumb

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? No

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? get ready for my trip

14. What are you going to spend money on next? buying pretty things on my trip 🎀🥰🛍️

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? no

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? hopefullyyyyyy

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? mommy

18. The last time you felt broken? few months ago

19. Have you had sex today? no 🙄 kinda silly that I haven’t

20. Are you starting to realize anything? some things but then I get headaches because the thoughts are so big for my head

21. Are you in a good mood? I’m in an excellent mood today

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? No!

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?no my eyes are orange and his are blue

24. What do you want right this second? sex I’m so horny

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? I don’t know but it’s unfair :(

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?well no? I was born blonde but it turned brown and now it’s dyed blonde so nope

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No mommy/daddy has to be funny

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? situation at my job yesterday has me crying tears of laughter so that was cuteee 😋🥲

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? yes

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? everyone deserves opportunities for understanding. whether or not they deserve a second chance is relative

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? not hate he just wasn’t enough for me

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? I think she’s does but it’s very cat and mouse

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? I drink Diet Coke allllll day longg but she won’t let me drink it around her because she says it’s so bad for me

34. Listening to? Taylor and Lana always and recently a lot of Renee Rapp

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Not unless it’s colouring pencils

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?yeah

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? that’s tricky

38. Who did you last call? mommy

39. Who was the last person you danced with? my work colleagues

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? because I loved them

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? yesterday

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?nope

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? All the time in school

44. Do you tan in the nude? Usually with some kind of bikini on

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?no

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No I was watching rocky horror 😃

47. Who was the last person to call you?mommy

48. Do you sing in the shower?alwyas

49. Do you dance in the car?always

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes actually

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? A few months ago? For my job

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No I LUV THEM

53. Is Christmas stressful? No

54. Ever eat a pierogi? No?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Cherry

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Teacher or actress

57. Do you believe in ghosts? little bit

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? always

59. Take a vitamin daily? yeah 3

60. Wear slippers? no

61. Wear a bath robe? no

62. What do you wear to bed? usually a pretty slip or just an short and underwear

63. First concert? taylor swift

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? I’m British

65. Nike or Adidas? Nike

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? All of it. (Anything off evermore, midnight rain, cowboy like me)

69. Ever take dance lessons? my whole childhood

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?makjng moneyyyu

71. Can you curl your tongue? Yeah

72. Ever won a spelling bee? Yeah actually

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Always

74. What is your favorite book? Currently the secret history by Donna tartt but overall, Gatsby

75. Do you study better with or without music? With some kind of instrumental or lofi or white noise

76. Regularly burn incense? yeah? couple times a week maybe

77. Ever been in love? Yeah

78. Who would you like to see in concert? wanna see Taylor again seen Harry Lana gaga…. Seeing Maisie soon Maybe Chappell roan is next on my list? And Gracie? And also Melanie Martinez? OH Ariana!!

79. What was the last concert you saw?lana del rey in hyde park

80. Hot tea or cold tea? I don’t drink tea but when I do hot

81. Tea or coffee? Coffee but mommy won’t let me drink it around her so I’ve been drinking a bit more tea

82. Favorite type of cookie? White chocolate and raspberry

83. Can you swim well? I can swim i just don’tlike it

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? yeah

85. Are you patient? apparently very

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? Band

87. Ever won a contest? A few

88. Ever have plastic surgery? No

89. Which are better black or green olives? Green

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?fuck it give it all to me now

91. Best room for a fireplace? living room/lounge

92. Do you want to get married? yeah

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mesaprotector · 2 years

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what the fuck do you do in your late 20s when you have the stability and life experience of someone ten years younger? i'm thankful every day that none of my few friends have children yet b/c i don't think i could be around them without wanting to cry if they did. i tried dragging a same-age friend to go clubbing recently (which wasn't my scene, even when i was younger) and he rightfully felt out of place. i know i could try living somewhere like nyc again where people are often jumping around freelancing and never figuring shit out, but even then they usually have, like, friends.

these are literally the exact same problems i already was starting to have ten years ago, and it's a horrible sign that i haven't figured anything out.

older people, especially older women, tend to really like me and say i'm a super interesting, smart, and nice person (maybe some of that is accurate), and some people my age like me but they always have people and things they like way more and i end up rarely being able to keep up those friendships.

and honestly i don't know if it's sexual frustration (ugh) or just loneliness but i still feel really happy hanging out with a group of young people and not with people a generation or two above me. mind, i have older friends i really appreciate seeing one-on-one, but the moment there's someone else their age around too, i'm the odd one out.

at least with friendships i've occasionally managed to do a decent job even if it never lasts. i can't imagine what kind of girl exists where both of us would be happy with each other. people my age date "casually" or "seriously" and start seeing people before falling in love and me, I just want to date someone i'm crazy about who's crazy about me not worrying about how long it'll last or whatever adult nonsense like that. maybe we'll break up next week, maybe we'll stay together forever. that ship (haha) sailed at some unknown time in the past.

heck, i've even wished i had been born gay at times. though friends have told me finding a lasting relationship isn't any easier when you are, at least maybe having sex would cut out some of the loneliness.

it's honestly a terrible idea for me to be going off abroad again, but at the same time, what am i gonna do if i stay here? probably stay at my parents' house, have a pleasant enough two months with actual time to see my california friends, then do absolutely nothing and just sit in my room maybe seeing someone once a week as i get older and older and before long i'll be like 32. and then 40. and all the time watching my parents get older and my friends get older until we all die.

if i do go abroad, maybe i'll have a terrible time, but maybe i'll actually get something to click. no idea what that thing would be. if i did i wouldn't be making several-page-long posts about it. i've done this kind of thing before, just jumping into a new challenging lifestyle, and nothing has clicked. i do feel like i empathize a bit more with people in different walks of life, which would be great if i wanted to be a politician or a social worker or something where i care about the world a lot. i honestly don't care very much about it though.

i was doing okay until the very day i left for europe, when i suddenly learned that i had no time to say goodbye to people in alaska, and that i'd barely have any time to say goodbye to people in california. i thought i'd have a month, not two weeks. and since then i've been surrounded by attractive, happy tourists, feeling out of place.

i miss when i was a kid or early in adolescence being able to watch comedies without feeling crushing loneliness and envy. thinking my life would get better and i'd figure things out. maybe in some ways i could still figure things out, but when one of your main hangups (honestly, it's by far my main hangup) is tied to sexuality and romance, getting gradually older and uglier is a genuine problem.

i read through the entire dsm-v a few years ago trying to find a name for my issues, but didn't find anything that matched. idk. "permanent developmental failure"? "mesaprotector syndrome"? "please help me disorder"?

even if i decided to keep health insurance and see a therapist, i don't think i can ever open up to someone who has the ability to involuntarily refer me to a psychiatrist, a hospital, or even the cops, god help me.

#negative #really really negative #depression #not really depression #i don't even fucking know #adulthood #old age #stuff

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erensangel444 · 3 years

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i think i’m falling in love

oikawa tōru x reader

the title is inspired by i think by tyler the creator :-)

this fic is oikawa x fem!reader, if you guys would want to see some gender neutral fics just let me know in my asks inbox! i’m open to any suggestions, if you want a fic that’s specifically tailored to you whether that be race-wise, gender-wise, any disabilities, etc,. just let me know!

likes/reblogs/comments are always appreciated:D

this fic has been proofread but if i missed something just let me know!

this would be oikawa in his last year(when he was a third-year), for this fic, the reader would also be a third-year!

a/n: i remember when i first started watching haikyū!! i had hated oikawa, and now looking back i don’t know how. he’s a beautifully written character and like actually thinking about it makes me so sad. he tries so hard and just :( i’m gonna start crying about it again.

there’s a lot of fluff in this fic, probably the most i’ve ever written, but there’s also smut cause you know your girl couldn’t resist🙄

warnings: language(most of my fics do contain language), drug usage(just weed, small mention), alcohol consumption, smut; semi-public sex(bathroom at a party), oral(fem and male!receiving), unprotected sex(use of the shitty pull-out method, practice safe sex don’t be a weirdo), dryhumping.

word count: 5.3k

summary: moments in oikawa tōru’s life that helped him come to the conclusion that he was in love with you.

oikawa didn’t think love was a real thing, and he knows that’s cliché, but it’s the truth. did you know that around 40-50% percent of marriages end in divorce? what’s the point in getting married if there’s only half a chance of it lasting? oikawa thought it seemed like too much work.

until he saw you, and then, maybe, he thought it might be worth it to work that hard. maybe he could understand why couples stay together despite the fights, the yelling matches. maybe he could take a stab at love.

or not. he expected you to fawn over him the first time you met, like most girls do(men too!), but you didn’t. in all honesty, you seemed bored while conversing with oikawa. you shattered his newly-born hopes of love...well maybe that’s a little dramatic, but oikawa was always one for the dramatic flair.

from that moment forward, he had deduced that he strongly disliked you, at least he had until that one day in math class. he was struggling, the equations on the pages seeming like an entirely different language. he was huffing out breaths in frustration, roughly erasing the writing his pencil had made.

he was certain he was doomed, there was a test tomorrow and this review made no sense, yet there was a glimmer of hope when he felt that light tap on his shoulder.

he looked up, meeting your eyes, all doe-like, a light blush on your cheeks as you sentence stumbled from your lips, “h-hey um it seemed like you were a little confused, um i-i could help if you’d want,”. oikawa couldn’t do anything but stare up at you, “or- or not! maybe it was rude for me to come over here, sorry-” “no, i could actually use some help,”. oikawa’s response caused a smile to show on your face, and for a split second he dreamt of making you smile like that for the rest of your life.

he brought himself back to reality, remembering his declared disdain towards you, but all of it slowly drifted away as you grabbed a chair from a nearby table, setting it down next to oikawa’s desk and sitting down. “so what’s confusing you?” you asked, your voice soft as you peered up at oikawa.

he couldn’t control the slight blush that rushed to his cheeks, calming himself down before he spoke, “well i’m confused on the variables, and i don’t understand what i’m supposed to do after setting it equal to zero, and it doesn’t help that the professor doesn’t teach for shit,” he whispered the last part, causing you to laugh a little as you grabbed the pencil from his hand.

oikawa shuddered at your laugh, and at the contact of your hand on his, even if it was for a slight moment. there was too much of you stimulating him at once, fuck, what were you doing to him?

“i know he fucking sucks,” you responded, the word slipping out of your mouth seeming so foreign to oikawa, even if he had only talked to you for a couple minutes, but he liked it, nonetheless. “okay so,” you turned oikawa’s paper slightly towards you, “after setting it equal to 0, you have factor the quadratic equation,”. your handwriting looked so neat compared to his, so delicate. he listened intently as you continued writing on the paper, your tongue slipping out to wet your lips.

after explaining it to him, he tried one at your request, the math seeming easier now, no eraser marks littering the page. after checking his answer, you grinned at oikawa, lifting your hand up. oikawa was confused for a moment, smiling after realizing, and softly high-fiving you.

oikawa started to notice you in the hallways after that day in math class. you walked through the halls not necessarily confidently, but giving off an aura of aloofness. it was almost like you thought no one was paying attention to you. ‘how could you think that?’ oikawa thought. he was paying attention, he couldn’t help but to pay attention.

not when you always carried your binder under your left arm, it slipping some times, causing a slightly shocked expression to grace your blank face as you resettled it in your arms. your tote bag slang off of your right shoulder, a light cream color. he always noticed your outfits, different for every day of the week. he always thought they were cute though, fitting for you.

he noted the rings on your fingers, the necklaces you sometimes wore. some days you had on makeup, other days you were bare-face. he thought both were equally beautiful.

after a couple days of passing you in the hall, he finally worked up the courage to wave to you. his hand softly ran through the air, his arm rigid. yet, you didn’t notice him, your eyes taken by something else. the failed greeting embarrassed oikawa immensely, he remembered beating himself up about it for the rest of the day.

when he thought about trying again, he realized he should probably just call your name. which he couldn’t remember. you had met last year, and in his memory, the entire encounter was centered around his ‘dislike’ for you. you also hadn’t told him your name in math class. he racked his brain for any memory, wanting to know the name that fit your pretty face.

in the hallway the next, day he decided he’d just yell out a ‘hey!’, hoping you’d turn to him, which you did. oikawa waved at you, a smile lighting up your face -god he could get used to that- as you waved back. oikawa couldn’t help but feel your smile for the rest of the day.

he had learned your name the next day in math class, the teacher calling on you. ‘y/n’, he almost didn’t catch the teacher say it, but he did, and he was so glad he did. lying in his bed later that night, he let the word fall off his lips, your name quietly echoing throughout his room. he couldn’t imagine calling you anything else, it fit you so well.

a couple of days later(he had waved at you every day since), you were walking in the hall with a friend. more specifically a friend who was a boy. honestly it didn’t matter their gender, oikawa would’ve been jealous either way. why were they making you smile like that, and why was your binder in their arms instead of in it’s usual spot, tucked under your left arm?

he wanted to walk in the halls with you, look down at you smiling at him. he devised a plan that night, running through the scenario in his head before he fell asleep.

the next day, he called out your name as you walked out the door of the math classroom, doing a slight jog to catch up with you. “hey, um i never got to thank you,” your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “for that day in math” he explained, as he continued, attempting to push down his nerves. “you really helped me,” this caused you to smile softly, and oikawa couldn’t help but smile back at you. that’s all he wanted, to make you smile.

“of course, no problem,” you had said softly. oikawa offered to walk you to your next class, and you obliged. suddenly it shifted into a daily thing, walking out of math class with you, and oikawa could get used to it.

he learned more about you every day, your favorite movie was pride and prejudice, you loved key lime pie, you had a mini-garden in your backyard, you hated shellfish, you loved painting, you never left the house without chapstick. he found himself adapting to your humor, telling jokes that he knew would make you laugh. he wanted to hear your laugh all the time, he wanted it to echo throughout his brain on a constant loop.

in math class one day, you had pulled lotion out of your bag, popping open the cap, and squirting some into your hand. upon seeing you pull it out of your bag, oikawa walked over to your desk with his hand held out, “can i have some?” his voice was light as he looked down at you, a dollop of lotion in your hand. “yeah!” you said softly, rubbing some of the lotion from your hand onto oikawa’s.

he had just expected you to give him some from the bottle, and he could walk back to his desk, happy with the small encounter. now as he walked back to his desk, he was happy, so happy, but reeling at your touch. he wanted to feel your hand on his again, he longed for it now, knowing now what it felt like. why couldn’t you just give him lotion from the bottle?

oikawa had gathered the courage to ask for your number a couple days later, and to his delight you smiled after telling him that you planned to ask him for his. the idea caused him to smile internally as he wondered if you thought about him as much as he thought about you.

the nights after he had put his number in your phone were spent texting you. he’d send you random tweets that he’d thought you’d like, and videos that reminded you of him -he wouldn’t ever tell you that, though. one night when he had decided to watch pride and prejudice, for no apparent reason, he sent you a picture, to which you replied with a picture of your hand covering your mouth, your eyes lit up. he stared at the picture for a solid five minutes, unable to tear his eyes away.

you looked so pretty, your hair up in a bun, your eyes looking up at the camera. he finally shut off his phone, turning back to the movie, excited to see you the next day.

one night, oikawa texted and asked you if you wanted to facetime. instant regret filled him after sending the text, his search history littered with ‘how to delete imessage’ ‘is there a way to delete message on iphone’. he opened the text app back up, three bubbles popping up on the screen. they disappeared shortly after, oikawa’s regret increasing.

he threw his phone down on the bed, shoving his head into his pillow as he muttered, “fuckin’ stupid, god what am i doi-”, a text message ping interrupting his self-deprecating mumbles. the text from you read, ‘hey, sorry just got out the shower, i was trying to text before but i got a fucking eyelash in my eye LMAO’ oikawa chuckled at your message, a second one popping up below, ‘lemme get dressed rq and then i’ll call u:D’.

oikawa had so many thoughts rushing through his brain. you were in the shower? after rationalizing, he realized he shouldn’t be surprised that you showered, it was just the fact that you were naked in the shower. and if you were getting dressed now, that means you were naked while you texted him.

oikawa attempted to shift his thoughts elsewhere, chastising himself in his head for being a ‘perv’. he didn’t need a boner while he was on a facetime call with you. he thought about how you offered to call him, did you really want to? he had hoped you weren’t just doing this to pity him.

his phone rang, interrupting his slew thoughts, your name flashing against his screen. he fumbled for his phone, his finger hesitating before he hit the green button. “hi,” you said softly. oikawa took in your appearance, a few water droplets still falling from your hair, your eyebrows slightly disheveled, cheeks a light pink. “hey” he responded.

“why’d you wanna facetime?” you asked, oikawa blushing more at your question, ready to respond before you continued. “not that i didn’t want to too, cause i did, i do, i w-was just wondering why you wanted to,” oikawa smiled at the camera before speaking. “well i thought that we really needed to discuss the plot holes in pride and prejudice,”.

oikawa had spent the whole night talking to you, reluctantly hanging up at 4AM.

the nights after that were followed by facetime calls, oikawa’s mom knocking on his door and telling him to quiet down, his laughter too loud. on one call, he had invited you to his volleyball game the next day, and you quickly said that you’d ‘love to go’, oikawa’s smile growing.

surprisingly, he wasn’t nervous. oikawa knew he was good at volleyball, everybody did. he knew that this was a moment where he could show off in front of you. what if he hits the net on a serve though?

okay, so maybe he was a little nervous, but he wouldn’t let his nerves consume him. stepping onto the court, he did his best not to look up at the crowd, not wanting to see your smiling face in the stands. he was set to serve first, the volleyball in his hands a familiar feeling, comforting him.

the power behind his serve was incredible, one of the best one’s he’s hit, he thought to himself. the ball landed right in the corner of the opposing team’s court, before bouncing out of bounds.

a service ace right out the bat. oikawa cheered in his head, his teammates patting him on the back. “are you gonna look for her now or what,” iwaizumi said to him, ever so-bluntly, “looking down at the floor like a pussy,” hajime muttered the last part. “iwa-chan!” oikawa slightly raised his voice, his eyes looking up towards the stands.

you had secured a seat in the front row, and when oikawa noticed your face he couldn’t help but smile. you were grinning down at him, waving like a lunatic, causing him to lightly chuckle. he waved back, the volleyball being handed back to him as he set up for his second serve.

you had waited outside the locker room for him, and when he walked out with iwaizumi and issei, he spotted you leaning against the wall parallel to the locker room door, scrolling through your phone. hearing the door open, you looked up, meeting oikawa’s smiling face.

“hey,” he said softly, his heart doing flips at the fact that you waited for him. you responded softly with a ‘hi’, holding your arms open for a hug. oikawa couldn’t help but grin, his heartbeat growing in pace as he pulled you in for a hug, his arms falling to the small of your back. “did so good,” you said, your voice muffled by his chest.

“thank you,” he smiled at you, “for-for uh coming,” “of course,” you smiled back at him. suddenly an awkward tension had consumed the conversation, both of you peering at the other, than looking away, the silent words behind your looks so obvious. “so i- “i just-”, you both started at the same time. you laughed, oikawa joining in as he motioned for you to go first.

“um, i-i came today because i wanted to, but also cause i wanted to ask you something,” oikawa nodded for you to continue, biting his lip in anticipation. “i feel like i’m not just imaging things here, and i don-don’t want you to think you are either,” you hesitated for a moment, oikawa noticing it before speaking up, “i like you,” he said abruptly. he could feel his blood pumping, feel his heart beating on his chest. you smiled at him, eyes wide, “i-i like you too,”. you both stared at each other in silence, the eye contact easier. “what now?” you said jokingly, oikawa laughing. “wanna go get mcdonald’s?”

the first few weeks with you had been bliss, oikawa thinks that he’s died and floated up to heaven. you’ve gone on small adventures together, late night drives, reveling in the honeymoon-like phase of your new relationship. now, oikawa sits across from you atop the striped picnic blanket. oikawa knew that this past week had been stressful for you with school and some stuff going on with your friends so he decided to surprise you with a picnic.

he got sushi from your favorite place, ordering a wide-spread of different rolls and then picked up two boba drinks before heading to your house. much to your dismay, he wouldn’t tell you where you were going until you could hear the water brushing along the shoreline, oikawa had taken you to the beach.

now, there you sat on the blanket on the sand, sushi laid out in front of you as you took in the beautiful day, a slight breeze brushing past your figures, small clouds in the sky. oikawa grabbed a california roll with his chopsticks, bringing it over to you as you opened for mouth for the food. “so good,” you mumbled mouth full of california roll causing oikawa to chuckle.

“my mom asked about you today,” oikawa noticed the slight hiccup in your breath as he continued, “wants to meet you,” you stayed silent, peering at oikawa. “no pressure, if you don’t want to, i just wanted to let you know,”. you took a sip from you drink before you spoke, “no i want to. just nervous, don’t wanna make a fool of myself,”. oikawa smiled at that, happy that you wanted to make a good impression with his mom. “she’ll love you,” he said softly, blush rushing to your cheeks.

“here you have to try this tuna roll,” you said, the roll between your chopsticks and headed for oikawa’s mouth. “mmm so good,” oikawa said mimicking your response, making a show of the food in his mouth. you laughed before shoving him, “you’re disgusting,”

oikawa had picked you up for dinner at his house, and now here you both were, in his car, in the driveway of his home. he could see you bouncing your leg, your bottom lip taken in by your teeth. “you’re gonna be fine, i promise she’ll love you,” “i hope so,” you said, your voice so quiet.

oikawa racked his brain for a way to help calm your nerves, settling for a kiss. his lips met yours, and you whimpered at the abruptness, but kissed him back. your leg stopped it’s incessant bouncing, and oikawa smiled at you. “alright i’m ready,” you said softly. you reached for the car door, oikawa stopping you with an ‘uh uh uh’, exiting the driver side of the car and running over to the passenger side to open your door.

“my knight in shining armor,” you joked, oikawa grinning at you. the pair of you walked to his front door, hand in hand. oikawa wasn’t nervous, he knew his mom would love you because she knew that he loved you. woah. he loved you. or maybe it was the excitement of the night forcing him to say those words. he pushed the thought away, opening his front door as he yelled out a “i’m home!”

his mom ran over from the kitchen, looking to you and then oikawa and smiling so brightly. “hi!” she said, her voiced laced with excitement as she shuffled over to you, pulling you in for a hug, “i’m a hugger,” you laughed, hugging her back.

“oikawa’s talked about you so much,” “mom!” your smile grew. you took off your shoes, setting them neatly next to the door, oikawa’s mom leading you to the kitchen. it smelled amazing, meat buns sat in a container on the stove, orange chicken in a separate container next to them. white rice was in the steamer, the whole kitchen filled with wonderful smells.

oikawa pulled out a chair for you as you thanked him, sitting down. eventually the food was in front of you, oikawa had made your plate for you, asking if you wanted anything to drink. he began rambling, listing off options, but you opted for water in not wanting to be difficult.

you all sat, oikawa’s mom and you discussing your current course schedule in school as she smiled “oikawa bagged a smart and pretty one, i raised him right,”. you couldn’t help but blush at her words, oikawa smiling at your reaction.

dinner had left your stomach happy, oikawa’s mom giving you another hug when you left and making you promise that you’d be back soon. oikawa ushered you into his car, holding your door open for him. he told his mom you were driving to get icecream from somewhere, and that wasn’t necessarily a lie.

you had gotten the icecream, it’s just that now it sat, forgotten in the passenger seat as you straddled oikawa in the backseat, your mouths moving against each other, your hips grinding on his. “fuck,” oikawa panted against your lips, the friction of your hips grinding on his feeling indescribable.

before you knew it, you were grinding on oikawa’s lap like a woman possessed, set on reaching your high. “tōru,” your voice sounded so soft, oikawa did a double take. he’d only heard his first name slip past your lips one time, and the desperation that came with it this time had his cock straining in his pants even more.

“g-gonna cum!” you yelped, your hips stuttering from the pleasure. oikawa’s hands drifted to your hips, rocking you on his lap, wanting you to reach your high, but also desperate for his own. your whimpers increased in volume as you finally reached your orgasm, your face contorting in pleasure. seeing you come on his lap was all oikawa need to cream his pants, the liquid seeping through the fabric of his boxers and black jeans.

you both panted, catching your breath, your head laying in oikawa’s shoulder. “that was fucking hot,” oikawa remarked, causing you to laugh and remove your head from his shoulder, pulling him in for a kiss.

oikawa had invited you over a couple nights later to watch a movie. you had come over in plaid pajama pants and one of oikawa’s hoodies that you had borrowed last week. you were laid in his bed, snuggling into his figure, Love, Rosie playing on his laptop. As the movie progressed, and the popcorn disappeared from the bowl, you began to slowly drift into sleep, feeling comfort from being so close to oikawa.

as the movie neared it’s end, oikawa could hear your light breaths, looking down at your sleeping figure. drool had slightly started to dribble out of your mouth, your eyes were shut ever so softly, and you looked so peaceful. so angelic, oikawa thought. he wanted to wake up to this, to you for the rest of his life.

‘getting ahead of myself’ oikawa reasoned, pushing away any and all thoughts of the future as he relished in your sleeping features and irked at the funny feeling in his stomach, was it butterflies? it was something, because he felt it whenever he saw you. you turned his brain to mush, made his heart beat faster. oikawa’s love for you was so obvious on a physical level just based on how he reacted to anything and everything you did.

his love for you was obvious, wasn’t it? did you know he loved you? he loves you. ‘i love you’ the words softly fell from his lips, the breaths still falling from your lips as you slept.

your parents were out of town, your mom on a business trip, your dad visiting some friends in the states. you had invited oikawa over to bake some brownies, but somehow baking led to his head now being buried between your thighs.

“oh my-tōru!” you moaned, oikawa’s tongue working magic on your clit. he changed from kitten licks to sucking, moaning into your center, the vibrations making you whimper even more. his fingers plunged in and out of your entrance.

oikawa had transcended from himself, or at least he thought he had. there was no way he was buried between your thighs right now, your pretty moans sounding from above him. there was no way he was holding eye contact with you as he sucked on your clit, admiring the blush accompanying your features.

“gonna cum for me angel?” oikawa wanted you to come so bad, he wanted you to feel good, he wanted to be the one to make you feel good. “yes, yes, yes-please!” oikawa increased the intensity of his tongue lapping at your clit, the pace of his fingers increasing.

one more look down at tōru had you coming, your hands moving to grip his hair as your orgasmed. panting, recovering from your orgasm, oikawa kissed up your body, nipping at your jaw up to your lips, kissing you passionately.

“did so good for me, angel,” oikawa mumbled into your lips. you pulled him in for another kiss, your hand drifting down to the bulge in his pants, palming him through the fabric.

“fuck,” oikawa softly moaned, grinding into your palm. you pushed him over, oikawa laying on the other side of the bed. your hands navigated their way to the hem of his sweatpants, tapping his hip, oikawa lifting up. you tugged the pants down his legs, his boxers along with them.

his cock bounced back to his stomach, hard and leaking precum. oikawa eyed you as your hand drifted to the base of his cock, your tongue licking at the tip, oikawa moaning loudly. he had definitely gone to heaven.

eventually your mouth and hand were moving in tandem on his cock, moans flying freely from oikawa’s lips. “fuck! y/n, god, making me feel so go-ood!”. oikawa thrusted his hips up into your mouth, his hands holding on to your hair. you placed your hands on his thigh letting him thrust into your mouth.

“go-gonna cum!” you moved one hand down to his balls, rolling them in your hand and moaning around his cock. “shit-ah!”, toru’s cum flooded your mouth as his mind went numb from the pleasure. he’d never felt like this, god, you were ruining him.

you opened your mouth, sticking your tongue out to show tōru that you had swallowed all of his cum. “god you’re so fucking dirty,” oikawa said smirking at you, pulling you in for another kiss.

you and oikawa sat in his car, passing the joint between yourselves, staring at the sunset, stealing glances at one another. you inhaled, the joint placed between your lips, the substance filling your lungs.

oikawa couldn’t help but stare at you, “you’re so fucking pretty,” he whispered. “no you’re so fucking pretty,” you smiled at him. “we’re both fucking pretty let’s be honest,” oikawa joked, pulling you in for a kiss.

‘wanna be yours’ by artic monkeys came on shuffle through the speaker’s as you mouthed the lyrics. “i’m hungry” oikawa said plainly, “jack in the box?” you offered, oikawa turning the car into drive. more songs shuffled, oikawa turning up the volume when cupid’s chokehold blasted through the speakers.

he had rolled the windows down, his left hand hanging out the window. he turned towards you, his eyes shifting from the road to your face, singing the lyrics to you, ‘i mean she even cooks me pancakes and alka seltzer when my tummy aches,’ his hand held yours atop the console, his left hand now on the steering wheel. ‘i know i’m young but if i had to choose her or the sun i’d be one nocturnal son of a gun’ your smile grew, staring at oikawa as he pulled into the jack in the box drive-thru.

there were no other cars, oikawa pulling straight up to the machine. “hi could we get two buttery jack meals with curly fries and chocolate milkshakes for both,”, the server read back your order, telling oikawa the total, oikawa saying a curt thank you.

oikawa had pulled into a an empty parking lot, the music shifted to nights by frank ocean, both you and oikawa digging into your food. oikawa looked over at you, seemingly mesmerized by your buttery jack. you looked up at the sound of his laughter, staring at him perplexed before laughing too.

oikawa had dragged you a party that daichi was throwing. you walked in waving at a girl from your history class, oikawa dragging you to the kitchen by your hand. he grabbed two shot glasses, pouring tequila into them. he clinked his glass with yours, throwing the liquid back into his throat

you walked next to oikawa working your way through the mass of sweaty bodies, spotting hajime in the crowd. oikawa patted him on the back, iwaizumi wincing at his heavy-handiness. while oikawa talked with hajime, you whispered letting him know you were gonna go talk to kiyoko, oikawa nodding and giving you a quick kiss. he watched you walk away, your ass looking so good in those pants. his eyes traveled up your figure to your smiling face, his own smile growing.

after talking for a while, oikawa walked over to you, wrapping his arms around your waist, and kissing your cheek. “wanna go dance?” you nodded, waving bye to kiyoko, oikawa leading you to the middle of the room. ‘can’t say’ by travis scott. oikawa’s chest pressed against your back, your hands looping around to the back of his neck.

after a few songs played, someone yelled out ‘body shots!’ people shuffling into the kitchen. oikawa pushed through the crowd bringing you to the countertop. he lifted you up to sit on the countertop, people cheering as you laid down. he poured a shot glass of tequila, sprinkling salt over your cleavage, while eyeing it heavily. he placed the lime in your mouth smirking at you.

oikawa shot back the alcohol, wincing at the burn. his tongue lolled out of his mouth, licking the salt on your cleavage, moving to your lips. his body hovered over yours, his lips meeting yours. he sucked the lime from your mouth, pulling away and spitting the lime out before moving down to your lips again, kissing you harshly. louder cheers sounded through the room.

oikawa pulled away as you blushed, grinning nonetheless. you grabbed the tequila pouring another shot and letting the liquid fall down your throat. ‘woo!’ you let out, shaking your head at the burn from the alcohol, dragging oikawa back out to the other room.

somehow, you and oikawa had navigated your way to the bathroom, tōru’s cock deep inside you as your moans accompanied the music playing throughout the house.

“g-gonna cum!” “me too, fuc-ah! come on angel, gotta come now,” oikawa pleaded with you, pushing you over the edge. oikawa pulled out, jerking himself off, and coming on your back.

“god,” he sighed, leaning on the wall next to you. you both grinned at each other, your lips meeting again.

your phone was ringing, tōru was calling. you answered as he said hi, his voice shaky. “are you okay?” you worried, oikawa assuring you everything was fine, “just come outside,”. confused, you threw on some pants and walked downstairs unlocking your front door.

“tōru? are you okay, you look sick,” “i need to tell you something,”. oikawa realizes now that maybe wording it that way was stupid, he could see in your facial expression your heart drop to your stomach. “no! nothing bad,” “oh okay” you sighed softly.

“i-i feel like i should’ve said this earlier, and i wanted t-to i just didn’t know how to,” you nodded at him, grabbing his hand and brushing your thumb along the back of his hand in an attempt to comfort him.

“i love you,” oikawa blurted out. “i love you so fucking much,” he said again. meeting your eyes, oikawa couldn’t help but feel nervous, he was stupid for doing this, he knew it too, yet all those thoughts melted away when he felt your lips on his.

“i love you too,” you said, smiling, your eyes slightly watering. though you and tōru had been dating for a decent amount of time, you both knew the weight those words carried.

tōru felt the weight of those words as they left his lips, and he wanted them to flow past his lips forever. he wanted their weight, he wanted his love to impact you and only you.

fin

yay! i loved writing this fic :D i really hope you guys enjoyed it, sending you so much love<3

#oikawa x y/n #oikawa toru smut #oikawa toru x reader #oikawa x reader #oikawa smut #oikawa fic #oikawa toru imagine #oikawa toru fic #haikyu x reader #haikyū!! smut #haikyuu smut #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyū smut #haikyuu!! smut

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whoacanada · 3 years

Text

Zimmerbro AU

Summary: Andrew Phillip Rowe could skate before he could walk, and it wasn’t until he was almost twenty and well on his way to becoming a Las Vegas Ace before he knew why.

a/n: that’s right we’ve got a secret zimmermann brother au based on the fact that Bob was an active pro athlete for almost 15 years before Jack was born and almost definitely had relationships before Alicia. This particular one resulted in a secret love child.

When the call finally went out that year — a request for players willing to billet the incoming draftees — Andrew had been the first in line.

His already sparsely decorated guest room had been primed for a new tenant since he’d learned Las Vegas’ abysmal season had earned them the first pick of the 2009 draft. In his mind, Andrew had envisioned a tearful confession. A family reunion nineteen years in the making where he’d finally get a chance to connect with a half-brother he’d grown up learning about through news articles and stats pages.

He wasn’t ready for Jack to pull out of the draft days before the ceremony; wasn’t ready for the claims of an overdose or speculation about suicide attempts. He certainly wasn’t expecting to have to open his home to a young man with limp blonde hair and deep circles under his eyes with the same enthusiasm he’d promised he’d offer to a son of Bob Zimmermann.

Andrew was hoping for a little brother.

He got Kent Parson instead.

______

“You remind me of my boyfriend.” Kent slurs one night, completely gone on Johnny Walker Blue borrowed from Andrew’s wet bar. “It’s your . . . face.”

“Shouldn’t talk about things like that,” Andrew cautions gently, covering his own surprise. “Never know who might be listening.”

“Who fucking cares? He won’t talk to me,” Kent continues, ignoring him and sniffing like he’s on the verge of sobbing or puking, both options equally unwanted. “They wouldn’t tell me if he was even alive.”

Another unwanted puzzle piece locks into place.

“Jack?” Andrew suggests softly, and Kent begins to cry.

“You won’t tell right?”

Andrew shakes his head no, long enough for Kent’s bleary eyes to focus on the gesture and take it seriously.

Things are different, after that conversation. Not worse, or better, just different.

________

“He’s my brother.”

Andrew admits this one night, for no reason other than that he can.

Kent is across the room, backlit by lights from the Strip, his legs dangling off the arm of his favorite couch as he scrolls through his phone looking for distractions. Parse hasn’t lived with Andrew for almost two seasons, but he still turns up like a bad penny whenever he needs to commiserate with someone who knows his more lascivious secrets. Truthfully, Andrew’s grateful for the company. He’s a pretty genial guy, but he’s always kept his distance, a personality trait he likes to think he shares with an unassuming sibling, but there’s no way to know for sure. The farther Andrew gets from the 2009 Draft, the less faith he has in a reunion that won’t just bring crippling sorrow to everyone involved.

A secret Zimmermann son who actually made it in the NHL. Who has his name on the Stanley Cup, not once, but twice, largely thanks to the spitfire forward lounging in Andrew’s living room.

“Who’s your brother?” Kent asks, not looking up from his phone.

“Jack Zimmermann.”

Kent barks a laugh and rolls his head lazily to smirk at Andrew.

“That’s funny. I guess you kinda have the same chin. Was Marky digging for chirps?”

Andrew has no idea what that means, but he sets down his tablet and says, “No, he’s actually my half-brother. My mom dated Bad Bob in ’84 and got pregnant.”

The lackadaisical smile on Kent’s face falters as his gaze sharpens, like he’s actually looking at Andrew for the first time. Andrew responds by gesturing at himself lamely.

“That’s not funny.”

“No.” Andrew agrees. “It isn’t.”

Kent swings his feet down off the couch and braces himself against the overstuffed leather. He doesn’t look mad, but there’s something too close to disbelief for Andrew to convince himself everything’s okay. It takes a moment, but Kent must find what he’s looking for on Andrew’s face.

“Does Bob know?” Kent asks with that familiar overfamiliarity, as if they both still have some personal relationship with the living legend.

“Yeah. When Mom got pregnant she told him she didn’t want the attention since it was only a fling — ”

“Who the fuck doesn’t lock down Bob Zimmermann?” Kent breathes. “Also, why the fuck did she tell you that?”

“No shit, right? She got him to sign away parental rights, set up a trust, never spoke to him again as far as I know. I didn’t find out until after I signed with the Aces. She didn’t want me to get blindsided if it all came out, but the story never broke.”

“I mean, does Bob know who you are?” Kent questions. “Does Jack?”

Andrew shakes his head no, because he doesn’t think so, and Kent flops back against the cushions, face slack with disbelief; it doesn’t take long for his features to shift to anger.

“You knew this whole time and you didn’t tell me? Even after I told you —“

“Okay, there’s a whole-ass difference between you fucking dudes and and me being ‘Bad Bob’s bastard’,” Andrew bites, curtailing Kent’s imminent hissy fit. Appropriately, Kent closes his mouth, almost pouting.

“Fine. But that’s fucked.” Kent says after a loaded moment of silence. “I’m sorry you’re . . . you.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry you’re you, too.”

“You know Jack’s signing with the Falconers, right?” Kent offers like the worst kind of olive branch, unintentionally telling Andrew exactly what he was up to during that stretch of time between New England games a few months prior. “It’s not public but it’s happening. Ink’s dry.”

“I know. That’s why I told you. It’s gonna be weird,” Andrew swallows, thinking about playing Providence in the coming months.

“Fucking right it’s weird.”

_________

For the most part, the Las Vegas Aces are decent, stand up guys. Even with the accusations of gambling debts and mob connections with the ownership group, Andrew’s never been asked to hit a certain player a little too hard, or to take a dive so the other team gets a shot at a power play. A lot of talk, a lot of conspiracies, ‘Typical Aces hockey’, but there’s no malice. Not really.

Andrew thinks it’s hilarious he plays the game a lot like his estranged father, but he’s not a legend in the making, hell, at this point he’s barely regarded as more than a mid-level, reliable center that can bring home 40 points a season.

Carly whips behind Zimmermann’s back to clip his skate with a stick, dropping a ill advised chirp that sets every player in earshot on edge. Parse is close enough to catch the quiet slur, stiffening like he’s been hit, and Andrew watches Zimmermann recover quickly, steely and resolute.

Jack has his mother’s eyes — not the warm brown Andrew catches every time he looks in the mirror.

“He’s a fucking goon,” Andrew breathes, gliding up to Jack’s shoulder in lieu of an apology. Zimmermann doesn’t miss a beat, his gaze flicking to Andrew with the quiet rage of ‘who gives a fuck’. Andrew admires his commitment to the game. Coming back after so much, after so long, to willingly subject himself to the same kind of treatment that Andrew knows likely led to his original fall from grace.

“Hey,” Kent ducks his head as he slides up a little while later, mouthguard clenched between his teeth, and asks, “You see his twink?”

At Andrew’s obvious confusion, Kent jerks his head toward the glass behind the Falconers’ bench, to a raucous group of fans all sporting fresh Zimmermann jerseys. Andrew’s gaze drifts along the row of faces, lingering longer on the familiar, handsome couple beside the blonde young man. He may be imagining things — the stadium lights catching a bad angle — but for the briefest moment, Andrew holds eye contact with his father.

“He’s cute, right?” Kent says bitterly, like he doesn’t have a partner of his own back home.

“Yeah, he is. You gonna do anything about the slurs, Captain?” Andrew counters, earning a stern look from Parson.

“I’ll deal with Carly.”

“Oh, you will? Because I’ve never seen you shut him down before.”

“I’ll handle it.”

Kent’s expression goes stormy, and he gives Andrew a hard shove before skating off to set up for the next shift. To his credit, he does grab Carly by the arm and tell him something that earns a look of displeasure from the larger man, but Andrew knows a verbal warning won’t curtail someone as dead-set in his conservatism as Carly.

The next play, Carly flashes Andrew a toothy smile over the lineman’s shoulder, as if they’re in on the same joke, and his vision goes red.

__________

“Bad Bob’s outside,” Scraps rasps, like whatever brief interaction he’s just had has physically winded him. “He wants to talk to Flip.”

Andrew blinks up from the water bottle in his hands, previously concerned with the pink-stained gauze wrapped around his knuckles. A few of the guys start chirping, but most of them remain silent, still processing the fact that Andrew assaulted one of their own without clear motivation, in defense of an opponent.

“That’s what this was all about? You gunning for a trade?” Sorenson spits from his stall. “Needed to impress Bad Bob by beating the snot out of Carly?”

“Maybe I am,” Andrew sighs, pushing himself to his feet, wincing at the way his jaw aches from the few good hits Carly had managed to squeeze in before he went down. “What the fuck are you gonna do about it.”

_______

Andrew’s grateful he kept his skates on. He needs the boost of confidence that comes with the added height, especially when he finds Bob Zimmermann waiting patiently in the corridor like he’s just another staff member and not the second most recognizable figure in modern hockey.

“Hey kid,” Bob greets, casting an approving, overly-familiar eye over Andrew’s padded bulk and sweat-slick hair. “You can throw a hell of a punch. Don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy beat the piss out of a teammate before. Off ice, sure, but never during a game.”

His accent is just as thick in private as every interview Andrew’s ever caught live — but his tone is unexpectedly warm, even grateful — when Bob laughs at his own recounting of Andrew’s assault attempt, the sound is light and joyous like nothing in the world comes easier to this titan of a man.

Andrew wonders if Bob can recognize the chin they share beneath a his playoff beard; if there’s any resemblance left in a nose that’s been reset a half-dozen times.

Andrew grew up loved and never wanted for anything. His step-fathers, both of them, had been good men who never left him looking for a father figure. It wasn’t until his twenties that Andrew even realized there was hole where his bio-dad should have been, and not just a regular hole, a yawning sinkhole threatening to devour his entire sense of self, because his biological father turned out to be a man he grew up idolizing as a personal hero.

He’s not mad at his mother, but when Andrew struggles to find his voice — which is bullshit seeing as he’s almost thirty-five and a god-damned professional athlete — he can’t stop himself from feeling like a misplaced child.

“Do you,” Andrew swallows, looking over Bob’s shoulder to see if anyone’s watching them. Finding they’re alone, he rallies quietly, “Do you know who I am?”

Bob’s jovial expression softens into something remorseful, but unfathomably kind. “I do, buddy,” he acknowledges, somehow squeezing three decades of affection into one term of endearment. “I’ve known for some time, now. The whole time, actually.”

That hurts more than expected.

“Does your wife? Does Jack?”

Bob shakes his head, but it isn’t a hard no.

“Alicia knows, and Jack has some idea he’s got a half-brother, but it’s all in the abstract. No specifics. Definitely doesn’t know you play. I wanted to respect your privacy and your mother’s wishes. She let me know she’d told you the truth a few years back and I wanted to give you the space you needed if you decided to reach out. When you didn’t, well, a man makes assumptions.”

Andrew looks down at the concrete beneath his skates and sniffs hard, fighting nasal drip from the smelling salts he’d needed in the third period; or, at least, that’s what he tells himself. “I had a plan, back when — ” he stops himself, looking down at his skates. Bob’s eyebrows lift in curiosity, leaving room for Andrew to gather his thoughts, but he doesn’t take the bait, unable to bring up what could have been just yet. Bob seems to grasp the context after the moment.

“2009,” he acknowledges softly. “Hell of a year.”

“Yeah. It was. Is he okay?”

“What, Jack? He’s leagues ahead of where he was then —”

“No, I mean, tonight. Carly clipped him pretty hard before I got in there.”

“Oh, a little bruised up, but he’ll live. Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Okay.”

Andrew looks down at his bandaged fist and realizes he’s completely forgotten how gnarly his face must look.

“Trainer says I’m alright, but I’m gonna get leveled with a wicked fine, I know it.”

“Was it worth it?” There’s a look of guilty pride on Bob’s face, like the man’s enjoying himself a little too much when he leans in and whispers, “You just did something I’ve wanted to do since Jack was in mites. Fucking lay out one of those fuckers that’s got nothing better to do than bitch because they can’t play,” there’s a moment of hesitation, as if he’s worried about pushing a boundary, before he adds, “How’d it feel to look out for your little brother?”

Pride, it turns out, in contagious, and Andrew feels like he could go back on the ice and do it all over again. “Pretty fucking great,” Andrew can’t help a smile, wincing when the gesture pulls at his split lip.

Bob slaps a hand on Andrew’s shoulder pads, then gets a grip on the back of his head, heedless of his sweaty hair.

“Crisse, you’re a fuckin’ beaut, kid. I’ve wanted to tell you that for years.”

Andrew can’t blame the smelling salts anymore.

__________

Jack clearly doesn’t see his father standing there with red-rimmed eyes, or Andrew in an equally unkempt state, and has no reason to think anything untoward has happened when he offers a handshake and pulls Andrew into a hug, bouncing his free fist off the back of Andrew’s pads. “I owe you a drink,” Jack says decisively when he pulls back, shooting a grin between his father and Andrew. “Can’t believe you did that.”

“More than a drink, I think,” the blonde guy Andrew saw behind the bench pipes up. Jack’s ‘twink’. Boyfriend. Whatever. “Dinner at least.”

“A pie,” Bob suggests tightly, keeping his voice even as he turns to quickly scrub his fist over his eyes. Andrew recognizes the statuesque woman who strides up beside Bob, and one quick look tells him she definitely knows who he is.

“Hello, Andrew,” Alicia greets softly, genuinely. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

“You, too.” he says, the tightness in his throat coming out as gruffness rather than emotion. “This is great, but I should go shower and, uh, it was nice meeting you all.”

Bob’s hand whips out and fists the sleeve of Andrew’s sweater, keeping him in place.

“You have plans tonight?”

Andrew debates lying, because he doesn’t know how to move forward from this point, but they’re all looking at him. Waiting. Expectant. There’s too much at stake, and yet somehow — A sharp whistle drags Andrew’s attention back to the locker room. Kent is peeking his head out, and god knows how long he’s been eavesdropping.

“Yo, Zimmermanns. Bittle.”

“Parson.” The blonde says curtly, earning a wry smirk from Kent.

“Flip, we got a presser if you feel like putting a bow on the evening,” Kent’s gaze drifts to Bob’s flushed face, and he adds, “Or, you can shower and slip out the loading bay while I cover for your aggro ass because this is not going to be fun. Your call.”

Andrew looks at the small family surrounding him, his family, and says, “I don’t want to explain.” Kent shrugs and ducks back inside while Bob’s brow furrows in confusion. “I can do dinner, but I don’t want to,” Andrew holds his hands out in front of him, trying to gesture what he means, and Bob snaps his fingers in understanding.

“Ah, ha, I got you, kid.”

“Neat. I’m gonna go shower.”

“We will be here when you’re ready,” Alicia offers. “Take your time.”

“Oh, I will,” Andrew replies before he can stop himself, cringing the second his back is turned because what the fuck could he be any more awkward?

Time will tell.

_____________

#zimbits #jack / bitty #omgcp #check please #my fic #my stuff #lost zimmermann brother au #bob's got another kid and I named him andrew again!#kent is not a bad guy #only carly is a bad guy and we hate him #long post #because it's a mini fic!

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harveywritings92 · 3 years

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BNHA scenario: You can’t feel pain

You were born with a heightened reflex quirk but you were also born with a very rare birth defect called chromosome 6 deletion, that causes you to not feel pain, hunger or fatigue, and you have like zero sense of fear & self preservation , your boyfriend only knows about your Quirk, you've kept your medical history to yourself, until you have an accident and he notices something off and start asking questions!

=======================

Dabi: He hadn't see you in a couple days and got worried, he then got a call from you asking to take you to the slums walk-in clinic, (I like to think, that the villains have whole a network of black market doctors that sympathize with them and run pop-up clinics, you have to have a password to to know where and how get in.) He checked his burner phone for a pop-up clinic and found one near by.

He got to your location and was stunned when he saw your right arm with a large knife jammed into it and a dead guy on the ground sporting a broken neck, He checked out your arm and winced realizing he couldn't pull it out without causing you anymore damage, He then examine your face, expecting tears, but... you seemed more annoyed by this whole situation then anything, Dabi was expecting you to be crying and whining at him to stop poking and moving your arm around... He thought you were in shock at first, but something was nagging at him that this wasn't normal.

Dabi was silent the entire way to the clinic, his eyes were burning holes into the back of your head, when you both arrived... and the first words the guard said to you was. "Y/n back again, for what? out of pills?" he sighed as you narrowed your eyes at the idiot and raised your injured arm up to show him, his jaw dropped and opened up immediately letting you both in. "What did he mean by that?" Dabi's voice was tense suddenly speaking up, "Why do you need pills?" You stiffened obviously hesitant to say anything, knowing full well Dabi doesn't like people keeping secrets from him!

"Just wait for Dr. Yuhei to come..."

"You're on first name bases with the staff now too?"

"...Dabi."

"..."

The cremator crossed his arms as a middle age man came in looking very happy to see her! "Y/n? what the damage today dislocation? burn damage, (cue Dabi flinching) road rash, broken bones..." His eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas as he oh and awed at seeing the knife lodged in your arm. "Ha! you got knifed! I love it!" he exclaimed jubilantly while slapping his knee as he took out his tools.

Dabi just looked at this man like he was mad as a March hare! "What fuck is wrong with you?!" he demanded out getting the doctor's attention, it took a moment for the man to respond.

"Oh! Are you the boyfriend I've been hearing so much about!" the cremator's brows furrowed as Yuhei shook his hand congratulating Dabi for finding a real diamond in the rough! "Not many doctors can say they've worked on a patient with Chromosome 6 deletion!" the raven haired man blinked incredulously. "Chromo what?" now it was the doctor's turn to be confused. "She didn't tell...You didn't tell him?" he watched your face and saw your fraught expression.

"Huh...Well I'll be. That's certainly new!"

The doctor hummed before telling Dabi what was up about your condition, your boyfriend kept a neutral face but inside his emotions were churning. "Her reluctance to inform you of this...is probably to closes adduce to fear I've ever seen her display." Your face felt hot as you stared at Dabi expecting to him storm out instead, he just watched as the doctor pulled the knife out of your arm in fixed you with no anesthetic or pain-killers , Yuhei informed you that the knife had cracked the bone so you had wear a sling for a couple weeks, then reminded you to change your bandages properly, then handed you a refill of melatonin.

The walk back home was awkward as hell Dabi had yet to say anything... Before you reached your safehouse you felt Dabi fingers grab your jacket sleeve while keeping his eyes on the ground. "Listen... this thing you have, did I ever hurt you?" You cocked a brow bemused before recalling Yuhei asking you about your injuries, he mentioned burns... and realized where Dabi was going with this, had he burnt you any given point and not known about it due to you not noticing or not telling him.

You really wanted to say no... You really did! but accidents happen. "Not on purpose..." He winced hearing this as you continued. "sometimes during sex or when you're in a combat high." You reach up and patted him on the head making him flinch before relaxing into your touch. "If it'll keep you sane I'll tell you if I get hurt when we go on a run." Dabi hummed holding you close to him, needless to say the cremator became a tad more wary and protective of you during and after missions insisting he check your body over any injuries you hadn't noticed before leaving.

=====================

Hawks: "Can you feel that?" a Nurse asks baffled as You let out a bored sigh as she and the doctor reset your left leg. "No." you huffed for the umpteenth time, wanting to leave the damn hospital already! but Keigo insisted you needed the hospital, cos your leg was swollen and turning purple after really, rough fight with a villain who had gotten a hold of you by the leg and toss you off like a rag-doll as a snapped echoed through the battle field!

I didn't take long for you to figure out your femur was broken and you were a sitting duck! until Endeavor and Hawks showed up they beat the villain, then noticed you sitting in the road with your left leg in your hand hanging limply in your grasp like a wet noddle!

Your lack of impulse reaction caused them to think you'd gone into shock! Keigo quickly gathered you up flew to the nearest hospital! Telling you not panic everything was gonna be fine, you were gonna be alright! If only he knew the whimpering you were making wasn't from crying, but from laughing at him!

After the docs had reset your leg (with no meds.) and put it in a cast again without any medication, you rolled your wheelchair out into the hall in time to see the doctor telling your fiancée about your one a billion condition! You can see how nervous the blond was he almost seemed skeptical, Hawks asked the doctor if he was overexaggerating a bit? "...I don't think you get it Hawks! this condition so rare that only 40 cases have ever been recorded globally!" you felt your stomach twist... this was definitely not how you wanted Keigo to find out about this. Your original plan had been to sit him down some time next week and tell him about it!

You were brought out of your thoughts by a someone's gaze burning in to your head, you looked up and met Keigo's analyzing gaze as he observed your condition, not in a bed, not hook to an I.V. and certainly not under the influence of any sort of pain medicine... He seemed a little pale as he approached you. "Hey... can we talk?" he asked you nodded as the two of you got on the elevator to the roof. You could feel him still leering at you as you arrived at your stop.

"So..wha- what are you doing?!" You asked watching Keigo pinching your arm hard! and realized he was trying to invoke a reaction, but it was useless task as all it did was annoy you, this was the first thing people do when they find out about your chromosome 6 deletion, checking and seeing if you were faking it, Keigo felt panic bubble in his belly as he observed your reaction... or rather your lack of reaction. "Keigo..." You yelped suddenly feeling something tickling you under you chin, causing you to squirm and whimper as you tried not to burst out giggling.

You looked and saw the feather necklace Keigo had given you to be the culprit. "St-stop Keigo! stop!" When he heard you laugh, the blond relaxed, when the doc said you couldn't feel pain... he started wondering if your other senses were numb too, *of course that would be dumb!* he thought thinking back on how you react during sex and how you were acting now, pretty told him that everything else running fine. "Why didn't you tell me about this Chromosome thing?" You pretty much explained how you were, well... scared wasn't the right word, as you have no sense of the feeling, it was more like you were nauseous that his reaction would be negative...

Hawk looked at you wide eyed. "Wait, you...can't feel fear?" He asked curiously you nodded explaining that you lack of pain has pretty much dampened your instinctive sense of self preservation, which why you tend to go on for so long in a fight even when things get dicey... "So that whimpering on the way over." you nodded. "I was trying not to laugh..." You said bluntly Hawks went oh then curiously asked if he had accidently hurt you during intimate moments?

You were straight with him, he may have gone a little overboard during ruts, but nothing serious. Keigo didn't seem to like this answer. "Hey look at me." you huffed making gold eyes met your [y/ec] eyes. "I know you'd never hurt me on purpose, and if it makes you feel better you can check me over personally and pull me off patrol if you think somethings not right, does that work for you?" you waited as Hawks thought this over before nodding, The next day neither You nor Keigo were prepared for the tabloids headline: #2 Hero Hawks engaged to Bionic woman! You both cringed at the tacky tile!

=====================

Bakugou: "Stop you idiot!" Katsuki shouted as he watched you get up after one his explosions had sent you flying and crashing into one of the simulation buildings on the training field, as you looked around bemused as everyone was panicking, Toshinori aka your dad and Aizawa came up to you worried, the black haired teacher used his scarf as a bandage on you profusely bleeding head... which you just noticed. "Get a stretcher!" the teacher ordered.

"I don't need one I can wal-" Bakugou cut you off. "Get on the fucking stretcher Y/n!" You robotically obeyed as the medical team carried you to Recovery-Girl, who just shook her head when she saw you come in, she knows about your condition. "Y/n back again today, I'm started to wonder if you and Midoriya are related?" she teased causing you sweat-drop as Bakugou listened intently, and was very confuse when the old lady said this wasn't your first visit today....

"Oi, what exactly was she talkin' about?" the blonde huffed eyeing you suspiciously and was put off by you lack of reaction over your injuries. It didn't take a doctor to know that the knockback from his explosion should've cracked your skull and may have also broken your back, when you hit that building. "Oh, I had a little fall earlier, nothing to worry about." you said nonchalantly Your dad who was trying to keep himself from coughing up blood on the other hand spoke up. "I wouldn't call getting hit by a car a "Little fall" Y/n." Katsuki's eyes widened, oh if looks could kill. "YOU WERE HIT BY A CAR AND DIDN'T TELL ME?!" He bellowed as All-might jumped back in shock while You stared at your boyfriend with a blank expression.

He was frothing at the mouth as you listened to the blond rage like a chihuahua on caffeine, you looked at you dad having a metal conversation with the honey blond skeleton who nodded giving you the okay! you were gonna tell your boyfriend about your condition...With a sigh you calmly reached up and pinched Katsuki's nose between your index and middle finger. "Breath damn you!" you hissed the ash blond stilled and looked at you with annoyance for being interrupted.

"I get that you're angry... But you need to know something." Katsuki let out an inquisitive growl as you looked at him seriously. "I can't feel any of this... at all." You chortled his red eyes widened as you continued. "I was born with a rare Condition, Chromosome 6 deletion?" You looked at your dad, Toshinori nodded you let go of Bakugou's nose. as your dad continued. " In short Y/n can't feel pain, fatigue or hunger, so naturally she lacks a sense of fear." Recovery girl returned wiped the blood off your forehead, and kissed your cheek a few seconds later your head was healed, Katsuki stayed silent as he absorbed everything you and All-Might had told him the teen was really quiet which worried you.

Your dad sensed the tension and suggested the two of you go for a walk and talk this out, it was silent as you and Katsuki walked to a different part of the school that was more private, You turned to face you and were met with a fist flying at you! then stopping a few inches from your face, You didn't even flinch just gave him the same impassive expression from earlier. "If that was supposed to get a scream out me of you failed...royally." you hummed as as the blond frowned putting his fist down you can’t feel fear, even Half-n- Half’s eyes twitch when Katsuki psych’s him out!

"Why didn't you say anything anything about this?" he asked voice hoarse from yelling, You hummed trying finds the right words. "Well let's just say back in middle school I had a bad fricken time, kids can be cruel! you hummed not going into details on how others would exploit your medical condition for their own twisted fun. "I was...Scared is not the word, Sick the thought of you reacting the same as them made me feel sick." you were surprise when Katsuki pulled you close resting you head against his chest. "I would never hurt you like those brats did." he huffed wrapping his arms around your waist.

"Don't shut me out like that again," he kisses you nose causing you to blush. "fucking tell me if you think somethings wrong so I don't have to worry about your ass!" he huffed keeping one of his arms around you as you two walked back to class. After that Katsuki was a tad more protective of you often asking where that scratch/bruise came from? and checking to make sure you haven't broken anything during class or missions he was like Toshinori 2.0...

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bludemons · 3 years

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Your family doesn't define you (Emily Prentiss x Fem!Reader)

hiiii guys, soooo I worked on my 2nd blurb and this one is kinda based on a true story, I hope that I put a warning for everything important but if there's anything you want me to mention in the warnings please let me know and I'll add it. I also want you to know that you're not alone, that you're loved and valid and it doesn't matter what your sexuality is. btw I didn't proof read, hope you don't mind.

Warnings: homophobia, mentions of an unsub, slight panic attack

You had a rare day off. Hotch said that all of you deserved the weekend off after the last case. It was a hard one for all of you but particularly hard for you and Emily. The unsub kidnapped, tortured and murdered homosexuell teenagers. After you profiled that he was a male in his 40s who's mother left his father for another woman it was easy for Garcia to find and for you to arrest him. And of course it was you who took him out in the first place. So the moment you took a step into your apartment, you didn't try to hold back the tears anymore. You always struggled with homophobic people, especially males.

Back when you were a teen your mother married her long term best friend and it was going well for a few years until your mom got pregnant again. 12 years after she had you. Well when you were 13 your little brother was born and everything began to go downhill in a rapid speed. Your step father talked less and less to you, showed you less attention, barely acknowledged you. The moment you realized that you weren't straight you came out to most of your family and friends, except him. He always gave you a weird vibe when it came down to someone's sexuality. A few years after, it was proved that he is homophobic. It was on your cousins wedding, when your mom told your brother that maybe he's gonna marry another boy and not a girl, when you heard the "no" that came from your step dad's mouth, filled with absolute disgust and hate. That evening was the time you seriously started to think about moving out, which you did only a few years later. You thought that the day you were accepted for college would be the day you were finally free, but that's only what you thought. Years later, after you graduated and got the job at the BAU you knew you were wrong. The second your mom got yours and Emily's wedding invitation it was over for you. Your step dad flipped. He was furious about how you could even think that him, your mom, your brother and the rest of your family would actually come to your wedding. When you came back home that day, Emily immediately noticed that something was wrong, she didn't push you into telling her but the moment you did, she just wanted to go over to your mom's house, "talking" to your step dad, but she knew that she couldn't leave you and that you didn't want her to do it. So she sat on the couch, with you in her lap, crying your eyes out, gripping her shirt so hard your knuckles turned white. Your tears drenched her shirt but she didn't care, her warm hand had slipped under your own shirt to give you the warmth and safety you needed, rubbing circles on the small of your back.

And right now? You were confronted with the memories of that exact moment again. Emily noticed the change in your posture. Your shoulders hung even lower than before, your eyes focused on the floor, not moving, not stepping further into the apartment. She acted quickly before it could get worse. Walking towards you, so she was right in front of your slightly shaking body, taking your hands into hers, making you look up a little. A small and soft smile on her face. "C'mon baby, let's sit down on the couch", she said while slowly walking towards the furniture she mentioned. Once you both were seated, she pulled you on her lap, just like she always does when she noticed that your bad thoughts were getting the best of you. Emily held you, slowly rocking back and forth, telling you how much she loves you. After a while, she leaned forward, grabbing the remote of the TV, putting your favorite show on. When she leaned back, making herself comfortable she noticed you looking at her with wide eyes. "Thank you", you whispered, not trusting your voice enough to speak louder. "Every time baby. You know that he's never going to hurt someone again and you're the reason why. You were the one who got him, saving hundreds of innocent life's", she said the truth and you knew it but you still couldn't stop the memories of your step dad floating around in your head. "I know... He just reminded me of him. I could've sworn that I saw him the second he looked at me. It was like I was back in the day he snapped at me for sending the invitation", your voice was still barely over a whisper. "And that's okay, it was a day which burned itself into your memory and there are gonna be other days and moments that will trigger that exact feelings but it's over and I'm here. You're here, with me, we both are safe and we're happily married for almost 5 years now and nothing will ever change how I feel for you, okay?" You nodded, looking at her for a moment before pressing a quick kiss on her lips. She was right, you were safe, she was safe, you were together and nothing could ever change that.

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blissfulalchemist · 2 years

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👶 + dealer’s choice

Thank you! I’m gonna give you the thoughts I have for the adoptive daughter of Chance and Faith.

name: Zaria

birthdate: No exact date but born in July or August.

personality headcanon: She definitely gives teenage Chance a run for his money with how edgy and quiet she can be.

what was their first word and how old were they when they said it: given they found her when she was almost a teenager they didn’t get to have this moment. First sentence spoken to them was “Fuck off!”

did they get in trouble in school: Nothing more than giving the attitude to staff and having knives on school property but nothing severe. She’s still a good student.

which parent were they more attached to: Chance though this girl will never admit it. She feels Chance understands her better since they both lost their parents.

what was their favorite toy: Pocket knife she found.

did they cry a lot as a baby: This unknown and she doesn’t cry….in front of people.

movie they watched over and over: Takes after dad and watches The Crow over and over

what was their favorite subject in school: Photography

were they social growing up or quiet: Quiet, looks sweet and also like she’s going to kill you but you’re not sure just which method she may pick yet.

which parent do they take after: She takes after Faith more when you look past the edgy teen façade. Observant, calculating, and can make herself look so sweet she’s hard to resist.

what do they grow up to be: She doesn’t have any specific plans but wants to document the world in some way.

three random headcanons: Zaria for a long while has anger issues and due to this is made to bond with Chance as he tries to slow her down to work through that anger. Zaria was originally just a young teen that Chance and Faith would look after in a New Dawn au like a stray dog, Chance would be 40 when they find her mirroring the same age his father was when Chance was born. In a cult herald setting, Zaria would take on more of the Jacob role working closely in advising Cat and John’s daughter Liz who takes over for Joseph.

likes & dislikes: Zaria likes being able to mess with knives and weapons however dislikes that people assume the worst from her when she has them. Just let her play with the butterfly knife please!

do they get along with their parents: Zaria got along great with her birth parents before they died. Chance and Faith? Well a bit of a rocky start once she was comfortable with them. After that though she does care very deeply for them and calls them mom and dad.

faceclaim: Kathryn Newton

#x: emo flower child #thank you so much manda! been awhile since I thought about her!

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jaskiersbrokenlute · 3 years

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Lute’s 200 follower prompt list

(All based on song lyrics by Keaton Henson, amalgamated by yours truly)

Angst

1. Sweetheart, what have you done to us? 2. I’m sorry I broke it, never forgive me. 3. Tire of me if you will my dear, but I will not tire of you. 4. She broke my head, it’s been four years and this does not end. 5. If you must die, die knowing your life was my life’s best part. 6. I’m just as damn disappointed as you only I just do better to hide it. 7. I’m truly alone and I like it. 8. How can you sleep knowing, that you’d be much better off there with him. 9. This has been the best of me, I hope you end up missing me. 10. They’ll die or leave you either way. 11. ‘Did you love me like the way you wrote?’ ‘I’m afraid so.’ 12. How could I have known you were the air I breathe if I don’t believe in love? 13. What is good lust but love without trust? 14. I’m amazed that you ever loved me.

15. She left him and he left everything. 16. Teach me how to love you like I wrote and say it like I mean it when I don’t 17. I’m a tough luck friend and I reckon she’ll stay with me ‘til the end. It means more than I pretend. 18. Is it love you regret? 19. Darling, your eyes are so still when you speak. Do they weep? 20. Please don’t cry or say goodbye. 21. Now that you’re all I have, is it fair to love me too? 22. Do you wake up lonely everyday? 23. Let’s just have this fight today, say I’m worthless and I feel betrayed. 24. Don’t leave I’ve got more to say. 25. You know one day there’ll be hell to pay. 26. Please don’t be home late. 27. I’ll be right here if you need a failure, my love. 28. And I’ll be the place you hate. 29. How can you fail me now that I’m here on the ground? 30. Tell me I’m worthy of something. Love at least. 31. I still don’t cry, I’ve been meaning to. 32. I’m hoping I don’t die after you. 33. I still need to be loved. 34. You’re enough. 35. I’m frightened to death you’ll forget. Don’t forget me. 36. She seems disappointed, when I say that I’m not happy yet. 37. When I say do you love me, say you don’t know. 38. Just don’t leave me, baby stay here. 39. I just can’t bear to be apart. 40. Be near me lover, and be another that I can’t please, 41. I’ve been so lonely. 42. How could you allow me to love you? How cruel a thing. 43. If you’d only come back now, I’d not let you down again. 44. I guess I could have been, a better man. 45. I seek comfort in being alone. 46. Does he know, not to talk about your dad? 47. Do you notice when you’re sad? 48. I don’t feel well, can’t you tell? 49. Please forget me, you were right dear. 50. Though I’ll miss you lover, I am weak and therefore fold. 51. This is love, this is hell, this sweet plague that follows me. 52. I feel love, I feel alone. 53. I just wish you would come home. 54. There’s no one else. I loved you more than I love myself. 55. I see pictures now of you two and it makes me sick. 56. Teach me how to hold you in my arms, without squeezing too damn tight and causing harm. 57. Give me lessons in your ways, but don’t expect me to change. 58. I never loved you enough. 59. Please do not hurt me love, I am a fragile one. 60. As we lie in bed I feel lonely. 61. I some ways I feel I do love you, babe I’m not in love with you. 62. I found her but now she is gone. 63. I was better where, I was miserable why didn’t you leave me there? 64. I love you, please don’t go. 65. Is this all that you can give me back? 66. If you’ve no more to say than that, oh well I’ll be leaving and I won’t come back. 67. You think you’re better than them, but they don’t have to pretend. 68. Believe me, this loneliness won’t go away. 69. I’m just getting started let me offend. 70. All I want is to be left alone. 71. Can you see, they feed you lies thus keeping you weak. 72. Leave me, my heart is dead for all to see. 73. Please just come here, don’t fight with me. 74. Don’t call me lover, it’s not enough. 75. After all you’ve put me through, this one’s for you. 76. I’m in bad love. Don’t feel sad love. 77. I love you, but I worry about letting you leave. 78. It leaves me pretty good at pretending I’m fine. 79. I’m saving you up, all for the day you leave. 80. I know it’s ending. 81. Speak up, I’m losing you. 82. Hate me to death if you must. 83. Am I waiting to lose you? 84. I’m just so fucking sorry that you’re afraid. 85. I’ve tried so long not to cry that I don’t know if I can when you die, But I’m sure as damn hell gonna try. 86. I’m afraid to let myself be frightened. 87. I’ll play until my fingers bleed just to get you out of me. 88. I’m afraid. 89. One day you’ll thank the lord I didn’t stay. 90. Bury it all down underneath, it’s unhealthy but it sure keeps all the pain out. 91. I’m so damn scared of dying without you. 92. I see the dark things you all try to hide. 93. I won’t give up, not until I’m holding you. 94. Don’t let go of my hand. 95. Your love’s leaving me loveless. 96. I won’t leave here until I’m back with you. 97. Please don’t let me sleep. 98. We can’t pretend that I’m just like him. 99. Lead me on, I just something to stop me from jumping the gun. 100. I’m not coming back without you. 101. I’d write you a song if you’d just break my heart. 102. I’m a sick kind of lover and I’m cruel to myself. 103. I’m a writer who’s nothing if he’s not in hell. 104. Mistreat me and put me through hell. 105. If I die before I reach you, please know I meant to love you until I did. 106. Tell my friends goodbye. 107. I loved her, and left her too soon. 108. I’m scared that you’ll know what to do if I die before you. 109. I didn’t dare earn their respect. 110. If I’m to die before I hold you, know my arms were the worse off for it. 111. I’m tired of feeling alone. 112. Please tell me how to let go. 113. Your book will end just fine, but I’m a different story. 114. When I get tired and eventually leave, I’ll get back on the road and leave you in peace. 115. I’m just hoping I wont miss you today. 116. It hurts more with every breath. 117. I’m all used, so there’ll be nothing left for you. 118. I am alone and I need you to be kind. 119. Do you have time to tell me pretty lies? 120. Maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I could have. 121.I didn’t love you as often as I could. 122. There are things I should have said and done, I just never took the time. 123. I made you feel second best. 124. I’m so sorry, I was blind. 125. Please don’t walk away.

Fluff

126. You love is the thing that I need to remind me I’m living. 127. I know that it’s hard for you to tell me the truth, but while we are doing so (name) I love you. 128. Miss you terribly already. 129. I still worry more about you. 130. You are infinitely interesting to me. 131. It was so unexpected, my heart’s unprotected. 132. I’m so thankful for the way you look at me. 133. You don’t like to be touched, let alone kissed. Does he know where your lips begin. 134. I wish I had the guts to say, you look the best today. 135. I’ll love you, if I don’t have to. 136. Why did she finally leave? Cause all you think of is me. 137. Despite the bad moods she never goes away. 138. I know every mark on your hand. 139. Come on baby, make me fall in love with you. 140. Would it be so bad? 141. I woke to find your tired arms around me. 142. I’ve still got songs in me yet. 143. Love, take it easy on me. I’m older now and I long to be twenty-three. 144. I’ll allow, my heart to get over you now. 145. I’ll be fine, and you’ll be alright. 146. You know me, I worry. 147. Can I get lost in you? 148. I haven’t many words to say, I thought about you everyday. 149. I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine. 150. I’ll be your brother, I’ll be your lover. What do you need? 151. You’re the one that I love the most. 152. Love, I feel you know me better than most. 153. In spite of real distance we’ll always be close. 154. Something my soul needs, is you lying next to me. 155. Damn, I love you. 156. I’d kill just to watch as you’re sleeping. 157. Damn it, I’m calling you mine. 158. Work to leave some part of you on this earth. 159. Just live. 160. You’re kind and you’re beautiful too. 161. You seem to look through me, I wonder what you see. 162. I figure you love to read, don’t look for the fault, like me. 163. I wish I could wake at dawn, to see you without makeup on. 164. I feel I know your smile, like I saw it when I was a child. 165. I’d give you all I have. 166. I got addicted to us. 167. I wanna love you while I can. 168. I want to live with you until I die. 169. We’ll miss you to death when you go. 170. It seems like yesterday, you took my breath away. 171. Must you be leaving so soon? 172. I know you’re sad, sweetheart, but it will pass. 173. She was dear to you, so you cannot be blamed for feeling low. 174. If I could fix it then I would. 175. Come here, give me time to let you in. 176. I’m hoping you fall into me. 177. Here’s to us. 178. I would walk all the miles if you’d play your part. 179. Just love me and hold me, and then let me be. 180. I would love you forever. 181. Would you love me and leave me with something to write? 182. I would love you with all of my heart if I could. 183. I hope to be holding you soon. 184. I feel like I’m just what you need. 185. I don’t let anyone in, but I can’t help but let this begin. 186. You seem happy. I can tell. 187. Love, I know you’ll be alright. 188. I know I’m a mess and I love most people less. 189. They don’t love you like I love you. 190. Hold me tight in your arms. 191. Give me glimmers of hope. 192. Let me lay in your bed, talk of things you don’t know. 193. Just don’t fall for me. 194. I’m born everyday just to love you. 195. I was as far as I could be when I fell. 196. I’m looking for a lover who doesn’t need truth. 197. I need you. 198. Like the thickest moss, you grew on me. 199. It’s the worst parts of you I admire. 200. I have fought battles with nothing but words. 201. Tell me you’ll be mine. 203. How hard I’ve tried, love. 204. You were always on my mind. 205. I’m so happy that you’re mine. 206. Tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died. 207. Give me one more chance to keep you. 208. Visit me everyday.

Hurt/Comfort

209. I think I love you, please don’t be afraid of me. 210. I won’t sing ‘til you know me 211. Here’s to you you miserable fuck. 212. I’ve been thinking of leaving, 213. I’m gonna fuck all my plans. 214. I’m hoping I don’t die after you. 215. It is love, but I fear it won’t do. 216. Tell me what you want from me. 217. Was it really that worth writing about? 218. It’s a goddamn shame that you’re not here with me. 219. It won’t be long ‘til you know my songs, then you’ll know and you’ll come back. 220. How am I expected to behave, when I’m alone with myself everyday. 221. There’s a whole lot of nothing to me. 222. Please don’t wait up for me. 223. I’m afraid that’s lost on me. 224. I’ll write until there’s nothing left of me. 225. I’ll cry for help when I need it, thanks. 226. Are you still listening? 227. It may not just be tomorrow, it may be the rest of your life. 228. I’m deep undercover, i don’t look like me. 229. I win when you lose. 230. Darling, you’ve been my greatest defeat. 231. We cling with desperate fingers onto life. 232. I was starting on hoping you’d stay. 233. I don’t want to be the best. 234. I’m going to live if it kills me. 235. The world is unfair and it will not change. 236. I won't be the damndest bit fucking surprised. 237. The distance won’t comfort me for long. 238. Please don’t look at me. 239. How is the sex, love? I hope it’s the best part of him. 240. I struggle with stages and can’t take bad reviews. 241. I didn’t hold you all those long and lonely times. 242. I guess I never told you.

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avengerscompound · 4 years

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The Tower: Family - 8

The Tower: Family An Avengers Fanfic

Series Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Pairing: Avengers x OFC, Bruce Banner x Bucky Barnes x Clint Barton x Wanda Maximoff x Steve Rogers x Natasha Romanoff x Tony Stark x Thor x Sam Wilson x OFC (Elly Cooper)

Word Count: 1534

Warnings: Pregnancy

Synopsis: With new powers, Thor now living on Earth full time, a wedding to plan, and Natasha and Wanda expecting, a lot is changing for Elly and her large and rather unconventional family. When Elise’s parents try to reestablish connections, Elly questions what being a family actually means.

Chapter 8: Return to the Tower

Our honeymoon was over too soon, though I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t missing my babies like crazy. We picked them and the puppies up from Sam’s sister and took them straight to the tower.

It was strange going back to the tower but not in a bad way. I had a lot of happy memories attached to the building. This was where I fell in love with my family. Going up in the elevator, all of us crammed together - we were going home.

The elevator opened up right into the penthouse. It was a huge open space, the ceiling seemed to start at what would be normally two stories above us and funneled up as it got to the window on the opposite side, so it was several stories of glass overlooking the city and acted as the focal point of the room. Closest to the window was an open circular sitting area that had a modern chandelier hanging over it. It was slightly raised and there were plenty of seats for all of us and more to sit around, and despite how large it looked, it also looked cozy and inviting. In the center of the space, a glass spiral staircase led to the upper floors, and running down the middle of it was a glassed-in fountain, the water running right down the glass. My immediate thought seeing it was that it would be a great place to put the glass Thor and I had inadvertently made.

Directly to the left and right of the elevator were rooms split into two levels each with stairs running up in a curve along the lower level. The bottom level of each was a solid wall with large dark wood doors, while the top levels had glass walls. Along with sculptures and other decorative pieces, there were various paintings, photographs on the solid walls. None matched and yet they all worked together. It included things like a Monet, photographs of the city skyline from the early 40s, artwork featuring the Avengers that you could find in poster form at Walmart, and photos we’d taken of each other or the kids, printed onto canvas.

“Alright, so,” Tony said as we spilled into the entryway. The puppies immediately just took off, running around and sniffing everything. “On the left, there’s a cinema room on the bottom and games and playroom on the top. On the right is the kitchen and above it a home gym.”

He led us toward the sitting area. “The bedrooms are all upstairs,” he said as we passed the stairs. “I cut the number for us down to just three. One big family one and two spares for when we might need space. There are more kids’ rooms and a nursery.” We reached the sitting area which brought the rest of the space into view. On the right was a dining area with a large glass table and a bar at the far end. To the left was some more entertaining space. Couches, a big-screen TV, and a grand piano. “There are bathrooms at either end and obviously more upstairs. What do you think?”

“It’s perfect, Tony,” Steve said.

Clint collapsed down on one of the couches and put his feet on the coffee table. “I think to celebrate our triumphant return to the city, we should order a bunch of pizza.”

“What a surprise that you’d suggest that, Clint?” Natasha said, sitting down next to him.

“What? Pizza is good,” Clint argued.

“You heard the man, FRIDAY,” Tony said. “You know what we like.”

“Yes, sir,” the AI replied.

“Where’s dis?” Riley asked as she walked over to the window and pressed her face against it.

“This is our new home,” Tony answered. “What do you think?”

“Dis isn’t home,” Pietro said. “No…”

“Oh, honey,” Bruce cooed, going down on one knee and drawing Pietro close with one large green hand. “We still have the other house and this one means you get to go to a nice school.”

“But I wike da outside. Dis too high up,” Pietro sobbed, his lip quivering. “And my books.”

“Come here, bumblebee,” Bruce said, scooping him up.

Pietro started crying and hid his face in Bruce’s arm. “I wanna go home.”

Bruce carried Pietro over to the window. “Your books and toys and clothes are all in your bedroom. We can take you to the park and look - look at all the things you can see up here.”

Pietro poked his head up from where he was hiding it in Bruce’s arm. “So much,” he said in a hushed voice.

“Pretty cool, huh, buddy?” Clint said. “And there’s a garden just downstairs with a slide and even a pool. We can go there every day with the puppies.”

“This is where your new brothers and sisters will be born and where you’ll start making lots of friends who are your age,” Bruce soothed.

“Kids?” Riley asked.

“Daddy Tony worked really hard on your bedrooms too,” Bruce said.

“It’s true,” Tony agreed. “Your bed is up in the roof and has a special walkway to it, so it looks like your bed is in a tree. And Riley’s looks like a pirate ship. And if you don’t want to sleep in different rooms, that’s okay, because the wall can move the wall and you’ll be in the same room.”

“An’ my books are hewre?” Pietro asked.

“Yeah, all your books are here,” Bruce assured him. “Will you give it a go? For us?”

“Otay,” Pietro said, softly.

“Why don’t we all have a nice movie night?” Steve suggested. “We can make some popcorn and eat our pizza while we watch Frozen.”

“Yeah!” Riley said, bouncing over to him. Steve scooped her up and spun her upside down, making her squeal loudly and a breeze pick up in the room.

“Then let's go make some popcorn!” He carried her out to the kitchen, and Bruce followed after him carrying Pietro.”

“So, how’s this gonna work?” I asked, taking a seat on the couch. “I mean, staff wise and going into work.”

“Well for starters, you’re not doing Avengers stuff while you’re pregnant, so you don’t have to worry about going into work,” Tony said, folding his arms over his chest.

“If I knew you were going to be such a pest, I wouldn’t have said yes,” I snarked.

Clint snorted. “Like you didn’t know he was going to be like that.”

“We all do agree though. You guys need to take it easy while you’re pregnant. No missions and backing off on the training,” Sam said. “Even Nat.”

Natasha shrugged. “It’s true.”

“Traitor,” I pouted.

“The labs are still here, including your one,” Tony said. “You can still do that, and I’m going to focus more on R&D over Avenging too.”

“Fine,” I huffed.

Clint started laughing and he put his arm around me and pulled me close. “You’re worse than the twins.”

“The landing bay for the Quin is directly under the garden,” Tony said.

“And there are offices here as well as the training arena. So we’ll keep up with what we can here, and when we’re needed we’ll use the Quin,” Sam said. “Probably one or two of us will go over to the compound every day, but by Quin, it’s only a half-hour. Hopefully, it starts running without us being there all the time and we’ll just be desk-jockeys unless it’s something big. And then with all the new enhanced popping up, hopefully, we can basically bow out of the hero-ing game and focus on the training and parenting game.”

“That’ll be good,” Bucky hummed, stretching back on the couch and putting his hands over his head. “Maybe I can go back to school.”

“That would be wonderful, Bucky,” Wanda said. “This could be a chance for all of us to get the things we missed out on.”

I smiled and hummed, curling into Clint’s side. “We’ll almost be normal.”

“There ain’t nothing normal about us,” Clint said, pulling me close.

“We may not be normal, but we are happy,” Thor said. “That is better.”

“Yeah, it is, you big softie,” Sam teased. Thor laughed, pulling Sam close and kissing his cheek.

“The pizza has arrived, do you want security to bring it up?” FRIDAY announced.

“Yes, please, FRIDAY,” Sam said,

Steve came out holding both the twins and he was followed by Bruce who had a huge bowl of popcorn in one hand and a box of soda’s under his arm. “Come on you lot,” Steve announced. “Time to have some family time with our kiddos, who we missed so much.”

The kids giggled and kicked their legs and we all got up and followed after them. The pizza arrived as we were heading into the cinema room. Clint and Sam collected it and Bucky called the dogs along. They immediately followed him into the darkened room thanks to his new powers and jumped up onto the recliners with the kids. As I settled into the large reclining seat and Wanda tucked herself into my side, pulling a blanket over both of us, I relaxed. It was good to finally be home.

// NEXT

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random-ass-fanboy · 4 years

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My Snape playlist:

Here are 40 songs that remind me of Snape, if anyone is interested :)

Feel free to leave song recommendations for this playlist in the comments!

TW/ depressing lyrics and mentions of suicidal ideation.

Paralyzed- NF

"Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things, I know I should. I'm paralyzed. Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside, I'm paralyzed."

My Immortal- Evanescence

"You used to captivate me, by your resonating light. Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away, all the sanity in me."

Horrible Kids- Set It Off

"Picture this he was just a kid, not knowing where to begin. He wore all the wrong clothes, followed all the wrong trends, persecuted for the things he did."

Lifeboat- Heathers the Musical

"Everyone's pushing! Everyone's fighting Storms are approaching, there's nowhere to hide! If I say the wrong thing, or I wear the wrong outfit, they'll throw me right over the side!"

Panic Room- Au/Ra

"The silence is so loud. The lights spark and flicker, with monsters much bigger, than I can control now. Welcome to the panic room, where all your darkest fears are gonna come for you."

Michael in the Bathroom- Be More Chill

"I am hiding, but he's out there, just ignoring all our history. Memories get erased, and I'll get replaced, with a newer cooler version of me."

Worthless- eli.

"I'm always so alone, even when surrounded, by people that I know. I'm always so astounded, by my ability to ruin everything. Losing friends and starting fires, everyone thinks I'm a liar"

Let Me Down Slowly- Alec Benjamin

"Don't cut me down, throw me out, leave me here to waste. I once was a man with dignity and grace. Now, I'm slipping through the cracks of your cold embrace. So please, please.."

Waving Through a Window- Dear Evan Hansen

"We start with stars in our eyes. We start believing that we belong. But every sun doesn't rise. And no one tells you where you went wrong"

Broken Again- eli.

"No one knows what it's like putting up a fight, for your life every time, now I'm losing sight. Wish that I had a way to make me feel alive. I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die."

Match in the Rain- Alec Benjamin

"Yeah, I can taste it, it's the end, this love's impossible to save. Though you embrace it, I can't face it, so I look the other way. There's trouble in your eyes, but I pretend that we're okay. I wish that we could compromise, but there's just nothin' left to say."

Snail- Cavetown

"I was just born like this. Wish that I could change it. Four peculiar limbs and a head that doesn't fit. Wish that I was still a kid."

Dissappear- eli.

"Carrying the burdens of the world up on my shoulders. Looking for the answers, maybe I'll know once I'm older. Need some time to recollect myself, please don't forget me. When I disappear next week, I hope you can forgive me."

Teenagers- My Chemial Romance

"The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick. You're never gonna fit in much, kid. But if you're troubled and hurt, what you got under your shirt, will make them pay for the things that they did."

Words Fail- Dear Evan Hansen

"No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts. Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am! 'Cause then I don't have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it! No, no one can really see!"

Untitled- Mxmtoon

"I tend to forget, that I shouldn't fret. People come and then they go. At this point I should know."

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead- Set it Off

"I'm stuck self-torturing, my meds are failing me, internal clock in smithereens. Can't fix this. I'm hopeless. My eyes are stapled open wide, as I lay down on my side. I am bouncing off these walls."

Outrunning Karma- Alec Benjamin

"He's never gonna make it, all the poor people he's forsaken, karma, is always gonna chase him for his lies. It's just a game of waiting from the church steeple down to Satan karma. There's really no escape until he dies."

One Song Glory- RENT

"Find, one song, one last refrain. Glory. From the pretty boy front man, who wasted opportunity. One song, he had the world at his feet. Glory. In the eyes of a young girl, a young girl."

Good For You- Dear Evan Hansen

"All I need is some time to think! But the boat is about to sink. Can't erase what I wrote in ink. Tell me how could you change the story?

All the words that I can't take back, like a train coming off the track. 'Cause the rails and my bones all crack. I've got to find a way to stop it, stop it! Just let me off!"

Teen Idle- MARINA

"Adolescence didn't make sense. A little loss of innocence. The ugliness of being a fool. Ain't youth meant to be beautiful?"

Dark Paradise- Lana Del Rey

"And there's no remedy for memory. Your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head. Your soul is hunting me and telling me, that everything is fine. But I wish I was dead!"

Trying- Cavetown

"I'm trying to tear the wool from your eyes. But a part of me wants to let you be. 'Cause then you wouldn't see what I've become. I'm trying to shout, but no sound comes out. It's like we're in a dream state. But I should've woken up, woken up by now."

Wake Me Up When September Ends- Green Day

"Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are."

21 Guns- Green Day

"When you're at the end of the road, and you lost all sense of control. And your thoughts have taken their toll. When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul."

Give Me Novacaine- Green Day

"Take away the sensation inside. Bitter sweet migraine in my head. It's like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind. I can't take this feeling anymore."

iRobot- Jon Bellion

"I am a robot, thoughtless and empty. Don't know who sent me, don't know who made me. Electric robot, everything's gray now. Numb to the pain now, I knew what love was."

Another One Of Those Days- Cavetown

"Passed that kid from chemistry, who made fun of my name. He didn't look very happy. I guess we all turn out the same."

Boulevard of Broken Dreams- Green Day

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating. Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me. 'Til then I walk alone."

We Don't Have To Dance- Andy Black

"You're never gonna get it, I'm a hazard to myself. I'll break it to you easy, this is hell, this is hell! You're looking and whispering, you think I'm someone else! This is hell, yes, I am in hell!

Ribcage- Andy Black

"Nothing in the cage of my ribcage! Got no heart to break, like it that way. Nothing in the cage of my ribcage! Emptiness is safe, keep it that way."

The Run and Go- Twenty One Pilots

"I can't take them on my own, my own. Oh, I'm not the one you know, you know. I have killed a man and all I know, is I am on the run and go."

Fall Away- Twenty One Pilots

"I disguise, and I will lie, and I will take my precious time. As the days spent away, as I stand in line, and I die as I wait, as I wait on my crime. And I'll try to delay what you make of my life, but I don't want your way, I want mine. I'm dying and trying, but believe me I'm fine. But I'm lying, I'm so very far from fine!

Trapdoor- Twenty One Pilots

"He wakes up early today, throws on a mask that will alter his face. Nobody knows his real name, but now he just uses one he saw on a grave. And he pretends he's okay, but you should see, oh. Him in bed late at night, he's petrified."

Sad Song- Christina Perri

"I wish I wasn’t always wrong, I wish it wasn’t always my fault. The finger that you’re pointing has knocked me on my knees. And all you need to know is… I'm so sorry, It’s not like me. It’s maturity that I’m lacking."

Escapism- Steven Universe

"I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace of doubt. But pulled against the grain. I feel a little pain, that I would rather do without."

Semi-Automatic- Twenty One Pilots

"Night falls with gravity, the earth turns from sanity, taking my only friend I know, he leaves a lot, his name is "Hope". I'm never what I like, I'm double-sided, and I just can't hide, I kind of like it when I make you cry, 'cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up inside."

Screen- Twenty One Pilots

"I can't see past my own nose, I'm seeing everything in slo-mo. Look out below crashing down to the ground just like a vertical locomotive. That's a train, am I painting the picture that's in my brain? A train from the sky, locomotive, my motives are insane!"

March To The Sea- Twenty One Pilots

"Then the wages of war will start, inside my head with my counterpart. And the emotionless marchers will chant the phrase, 'This line's the only way.' Then I start down the sand, my eyes are focused on the end of land. But again the voice inside my head, says, 'follow me instead.'"

Migraine- Twenty One Pilots

"Freeze frame, please let me paint a mental picture portrait. Something you won't forget, it's all about my forehead, and how it is a door that hold's back contents, that makes Pandora's box contents look non-violent!"

#pro snape #snape fandom #severus snape #pro severus snape

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watch-grok-brainrot · 4 years

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Jin Guangyao's Violation of 忠孝仁义

So I had written about WWX and his strong sense of 忠孝仁义 last week. While I was writing it, I kept on thinking about JGY and how he managed to violate all of these virtues. I wanted to go into this characterization of him because I find it so interesting how opposite he is to WWX in the decisions he made. (Warning: i’m not nice to JGY here so if you don’t want him dragged, don’t read?)

忠- loyalty, devotion, fidelity (usually for country or monarch)

(Can I take a moment to talk about how much I LOVE THIS SHOT?! The blood of WRH on the camera lens, WRH falling over, the sudden shift to brightness that mirrors the scene in ep 50 where JGY obscures the sun in his bow (picture above the read more cut)! I can’t get over how much I LOVE the lighting and the way WRH collapses, making way for JGY to become the new sun. Foreshadowing much CQL Crew?!)

This one might be a stretch depending on how you read JGY. I fully believe he went to work for Wen Ruohan as Wen Zhuliu did -- seeking someone who will value his skills. However, WZL died for WRH and JGY just bided his time. (Note: While we know very little about Wen Zhuliu, we know he was at least 忠 and 义. He died for WRH and Wen Chao and refused to let WC desecrate Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan’s bodies. For that, I have to give him respect. He, despite everything, still had that jianghu sense of 义. Also, the man can count. And knows what a golden core feels like.)

So we know JGY gave Lan Xichen the maps, but he also lured them to Nightless City where the puppets were waiting. Had WWX not brought out the Stygian Tiger Amulet, would JGY have murdered WRH? Or would he have stayed in the shadows forever? As a viewer I have no idea what JGY is thinking, what he’s doing, or what he’s hoping for. He hides so well his intentions that there is debate about if he really was helping with the Sunshot Campaign or not! That isn’t something you can say about someone with loyalty.

What upsets me further is that Nie Mingjie, having been JGY’s superior officer, sees JGY more clearly than LXC can. NMJ has seen JGY murder and has seen the level of self-serving vindictiveness JGY is capable of. In the case of the Sunshot Campaign, this self-serving attitude made JGY become a double agent uncommitted to either side. Too bad NMJ could not convince LXC of JGY’s duplicity. I’m gonna blame those dimples.

The fact that we do not know JGY’s intent really shows his lack of 忠. If You Stand For Nothing, JGY, What Will You Fall For? (Answer: Himself and that is not 忠)

孝 - filial piety (deference to your lineage)

So for 孝, you’re supposed to respect your parents, honor your parents, and defer to your parents. What are you not supposed to do? Kill you father. That’s what.

So this should’ve been a really short section because that’s pretty cut and dry. But I want to look at what JGY says to JGS when JGY brings in Sisi and the other women.

(He’s so creepy in this picture! *shudders*)

“父亲,我给你找来了你最爱的女人. 有很多个. 你高兴吗?”

“Father, I have brought you your favorite -- women. There are many. Are you happy?”

(Translation note: you can translate the line as your favorite women or your favorite -- women. I chose to translate it as the latter due to the context.)

First of all, the tone. JGY’s voice is breathy. I can almost hear a smile. He has zero moral qualms about this. He addresses his father as father, not dad or anything close. But he does acknowledge that relationship. And then he says he’s brought JGS’s favorite. There’s a slight emphasis on the favorite there. And it’s creepy. JGY adds the next line and goose bumps start to form on my skin. He knows his father’s sins and he’s punishing his father with it. Why are you doing this JGY?! And at the end, when it asks “Are you happy?” his voice is so sinister I want to scream. JGY clearly knows what he’s doing. He knows exactly what it means to be 孝 and chooses to make a mockery of 孝, to make a mockery of his father, and to kill his father.

And then, after he watches JGS die, he tells Sisi and the other women to continue -- to desecrate JGS’s body. This is about as un-孝 as one can get! Remember, WWX and JC were willing to die to get JFM and YZY’s bodies back so they could be cremated and honored. The difference here is night and day! Yes, JGY was very good to his mother, including building a Guanyin Statue in her likeness and sparing Sisi who was a friend of his mother’s, but I cannot get over how much of an abomination he was toward JGS (even if JGS deserved an awful death).

仁 - benevolence, humanity, love of man

JGY has no 仁. Does JGY love anyone other than himself? Maybe his mom. (He might have some 仁 towards Su Sh*t She but that’s only suggested by the last couple of episodes.) That’s really it. He might have loved Jin Ling as his nephew. He might have loved LXC for LXC’s kindness and brotherhood. He might have loved Qin Su as whatever relationship he thinks they had. But when push comes to shove, JGY has zero benevolence towards anyone. He’s willing to kill Qin Su, take Jin Ling hostage, and take LXC hostage. (He also has no 义 but that’s the next section!)

And there’s ep 23. When LXC, JGS, and NMJ were discussing what to do with the Wens, JGY suggested the Wens be imprisoned at QiongQi Path. Since WRH had ordered the slaughter of multiple clans, including the Jiangs at Lotus Pier, doing the same to him would not be considered unreasonable. Ruthless, yes, but a good show of might and order. This acceptance of murder is due to the concept of 诛九族. 诛九族 (zhū jiǔ zú) is one of the most severe punishments in ancient China. The character breakdown makes it fairly self explanatory:

诛 - to execute, kill, put to death

九 - nine

族 - family, clan,ethnic group, or tribe

诛九族 condemns you and your entire family to death (Depending on the source, some say it’s you + 8 types of relatives. Some say it’s everyone related to you from 4 generations above to 4 generations below).

By suggesting the Wen remnants be imprisoned and not slaughtered, JGY presented himself as 仁. However, by turning around and slaughtering the people per JGS’s wishes, JGY knowingly chose the immoral path where blood flowed like rivers.

(Also! The way this shot pans down makes me think about how JGY is descending into a hell of his own making...)

义- righteousness and code of brotherhood

Good god, 义. I have so many feelings about 义. Let’s start with some history because CONTEXT is so important. So when you ask a chinese person on the street to give you an example of 义, I’m willing to bet one of the most common answers you will get is 桃园结义 (tao yuan jie yi, or peach garden/grove establishment of brotherhood). This is THE story of fraternal love between non-blood related men.

So quick and dirty synopsis of 桃园结义 and the three kingdoms story (I actually haven’t read it and it’s been a while since I actually tried to figure out the plot… so hopefully this is all correct!). Three men (刘备、关羽、张飞/ Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei) met on the streets, fought each other, became besties, and decided to start a rebellion. They took over one third of the country with the oldest (刘备) being the monarch and the other two working at his side (a little Yunmeng bros feel there, right? You’ll be the leader, I’ll be your right hand man). And they died for each other. 关羽 was the first to go. To seek revenge, 张飞 worked his men to the rebellion. Two of 张飞’s subordinates ultimately decapitated him while he was sleeping and brought it to their enemy. 张飞’s head and body are buried in two different cities in China (doesn’t this make you think of NMJ’s fate? Because it did when I was thinking about this and I wanted to cry. Also, 张飞 started out as a butcher. SERIOUSLY CQL/MDZS, can we pretend to be SUBTLE!?). 刘备 continued seeking revenge. Prior to 关羽’s death, the three kingdoms were in semi-equilibrium where the two smaller ones were allied against the larger. However, 关羽 being killed by their kinda-ally destroyed the delicate balance between the three kingdoms. 刘备 could’ve tried to make peace but he wasn’t going to let his sworn brother’s murder go unavenged. They all died in the end but with honor and brotherhood intact. 刘备 and 张飞’s determination to avenge 关羽’s death epitomizes the virtue of 义. They are willing to die for eachother.

In CQL the parallelism to the 桃园结义 imagery is obvious to anyone who has a cultural background that screams Romance of Three Kingdoms at you. Let’s take a look, ok?

A quick Google image search yields these images (I couldn’t choose):

You know what they look like? This (from ep 40):

You know what 桃园结义 looks like when mainland China made a live action? This:

And you know what that reminds me of in CQL (ep 23)?

Are you freaking out now about the visual parallels? Ok. Good. Because we’re moving onto a tiny bit of text comparison because i’m excited and i can.

Per Romance of Three Kingdoms (note: historically inspired novel, not history), 刘备、关羽、张飞 swore the following oath:

“念刘备、关羽、张飞，

Hope that Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei

虽然异姓，既结为兄弟，

Even though we have different last names,since we have sworn to be brothers

则同心协力，救困扶危；

Then let us unite our hearts and efforts towards helping the needy

上报国家，下安黎庶。

Repaying our country, bringing peace to the people.

不求同年同月同日生，

We do not ask to be born on the same day of the same month of the same year

只愿同年同月同日死。

But hope to die on the same day of the same month of the same year

皇天后土，实鉴此心，

Heaven and earth, verify our hearts

背义忘恩，天人共戮！”

If we turn our backs to righteousness and forget charity, may we be slaughtered by all.

Now, let’s look at the oath said by the 3zun:

“神明在上。

Brilliant gods above,

今日我兄弟三人在此立下重誓，

Today, we three brothers swear a solemn oath here

上报仙门，下安黎庶，

To repay our cultivation sects, To bring peace to the people.

天地同证，如有异心��

Heaven and earth be our witnesses. If we become disloyal,

千夫所指，天人共怒”

May a thousand men point their fingers at us and may we be incite the anger of all

Even some of the wording is verbatim. The parts I bolded are what I was excited by since they’re either parallel or verbatim.

The first set of lines: 上报国家，下安黎庶 and 上报仙门，下安黎庶 . (Remember when I guessed in my WWX post that since there are no countries, the cultivation sects are the target of 忠? This is my proof that I was right!) My hubris aside, this is the part of their oath where they swear to be both 忠 and 仁 together. The wording is verbatim except for the part that doesn’t apply to the CQL universe!

The second set of lines: 天人共戮 vs 天人共怒. The sentence/phrase format and message is identical-- betray this oath and incur wrath. (I can’t help but headcanon NMJ wanted to say 天人共戮 because it’s so much more metal but JGY was like, that’s really severe and convinced LXC to side with him to get it changed.)

Even the structure of the oaths are similar. Both oaths start with an introduction (we are three who want to be brothers), both oaths ask the heaven and earth to see them (Heaven and earth, verify our hearts & heaven and earth be our witnesses), and both oaths call upon the wrath of the people for vindication in case of betrayal. The CQL version is an abridged version of the three kingdoms oath and the writers set that up along with all the imagery because they want us to be constantly thinking about the three kingdoms bros and their amazing “even after death we’re still brothers” sense of 义. They want us to compare JGY’s 义 with that 义 and find JGY lacking.

The obvious betrayal of 义 is NMJ’s death. Not only is JGY the cause of NMJ’s death, he butchers (i’m cringing at my own pun... but it’s so accurate) NMJ’s body so that NMJ’s spirit cannot rest.

But, to me, what JGY does to LXC is betrayal on par with what he does to NMJ (and not dissimilar to what Xue Yang does to Xiao Xingchen). As we went over in the section about 仁, JGY says one thing so that LXC suggest JGY handles the matter. When everyone leaves, JGY does the un-仁 thing, essentially with LXC’s blessing. JGY kills NMJ but he does it by asking LXC to teach him how to play guqin. LXC becomes an unknowing accomplice (like XXC who becomes the killer of tongueless victims of corpse poison).

So remember in my WWX post how I said WWX took on what he perceived as JC’s debts so JC doesn’t end up 不仁不义? JGY says one thing and does another in front of LXC. He knows LXC cares deeply about being righteous and kind. He knows LXC wants to do good. And he leads LXC down a path of self doubt and regret. LXC ends up teaching JGY the techniques that kill NMJ. LXC lets JGY handle the Wen remnants. Thus, unlike WWX who tries to absolve JC, JGY intentionally puts LXC into the position of 不仁不义.

Can WWX and JGY be more diametrically opposed (foes)?

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lovlydovlyjaycie · 3 years

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The Walking Dead / Supernatural: A World Changed

Hii so this is gonna be a story about a crossover but also not really a crossover from the walking dead and supernatural.

Note: Because music inspires me a lot I am going to give all my parts titles and add songs that kinda inspired me or put me in that mood of that part. I’m gonna try to put the link in somewhere or you can look it up on Spotify, Youtube or somewhere else.

Summary: Y/N is from Boston and moved to Los Angeles to be a nanny, she’s been doing it for a while now and loves the two, soon to be three, children like they were her own. One day she goes to work and it seems like the world around her is falling apart. People are dying, unbeknownst to her they are coming back to live. She is trying to find a way so she stays alive and the people around her too and she needs help, but she’d rather does it on her own.

This part will talk more about what happened before y/n met the Winchesters. This will tell us why y/n has a hard time trusting people and staying in one place. There will be flashbacks and they are all written in italics.

Characters: Y/N, OC Alice Cattaneo , OC Mark Cattaneo , OC Birdy Cattaneo, OC Clark Cattaneo, OC Jayden Cattaneo, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Al.

Warnings: DEATH, angst, language, violence. I think that is it.

I just wanna be clear, in this part and the next there will be talked about why OC Alice and OC Birdy are not in the story anymore.

Music: Remember me - Anadel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taTTt7dH4Ig

Part 5 Remember me

Walking up to the gate I didn’t see a lot of people inside at all. Then I heard screaming. I tried to look back but, Mason and Tony were holding me. What was going on? BANG! My heart started racing, that was a gunshot. I gathered all the strength I got and finally turned around. I saw Birdy laying in the ground, still. there was blood pooling around her tiny body. ‘’NOO!’’ Alice was screaming crying next to her and so was Clark. I felt my whole body rush with adrenaline and I only saw red. Everything started going in slow-motion. Mason and Tony were trying to grab me, but in doing so they had their hands full with me, so I did the most logical thing and grabbed Masons handgun that was strapped on his belt and shot him in his head. Then I shot Tony and took his machine gun from his body that dropped down. I ran over to Alice and Clark. Billy tried to shoot at me, but I was faster. ‘’RUN!’’ I yelled at Alice. She grabbed Clark in tears. In an opening I grabbed Michael by his shoulder and was pointing the gun at his back. ‘’DROP YOUR WEAPONS!’’ I yelled at them. Michael did as he was told. Tyler was taking a few steps back. ‘’Think about this for a second.’’ He said. ‘’You’ll die out there.’’ He said while trying to point the gun at me, but I was hiding behind Michael. ‘’JUST LET IT GO MAN, YOU FUCKED UP.” Michael said. ‘’You shouldn’t have done that.’’ It was Tyler that did it then. I wanted to strangle him, but I had to think about this for a second. Tyler was not shooting me because I had Michael. I had leverage. ‘’You’re dead here too, I just killed your friends. You pick her up carefully.’’ I pressed my gun into Michaels back to make him hurry up. He slowly crouched down and picked Birdy up. I crouched down with him. ‘’Now you sergeant stay here. Or this friend of yours will also get a bullet in his head.’’ I threatened. My whole body was shaking from adrenaline. We backed up slowly, towards the woods that Alice and Clark ran in.

Birdy just got killed and I killed three people.

Present day

“I-.. That’s horrible. I am so sorry that happened.” Al stated. I mean what are you supposed to say to that. A child was murdered, a three year old child. She had her whole life a head of her and it was just taken away from her. She had so many things coming her way before all this, but the world went to shit. And now.. now her life has been cut way to short. It isn’t fair. She never even got to meet Jayden. She never got to turn four years old. She never got to have her first crush. She never got to go to high school, college, marry or not marry. She never got to move out. She never got to grow old. She could never have anything like that because of what the world turned into. She never gets to have anything of that. All because of the so called ‘sergeant’ Tyler. I couldn’t even look at Al or Jayden, who had fallen asleep when I was talking, or Clark who was still playing with the sticks he had found.

“Are you ok? It is totally fine if you wanna take a break, or just stop.” Al told me. “No, I- I’m ok I have to do this.” My voice was cracking. I put my hand to my cheek and felt it was wet. I felt one tear go down. I haven’t cried since all that happened. I have to be strong and think about Clark and Jayden. Right now I have to be strong as well. I wiped my cheek and put on my ‘brave face’ to tell the rest of the story.

“After that I went in to the woods with the other soldier. Michael. I still only saw red and I just wanted to be rid of him.”

Day 29

“KEEP WALKING!” I yelled at the Michael. I was pressing the gun in his back still. After what felt like a life time we got far enough away from the army base. “Put her down, carefully.” I ordered. And Michael did as he was told. He put Birdy down slowly and carefully. I didn’t want him to suddenly run away, so I took my belt off and told him to go to a tree that was thin but looked strong enough. “Put your arms behind your back.” Again he did as he was told. I tied him up to the tree as tight as I possibly could. He was hissing. Just for that I made it tighter. Fuck him.

Then I turned around I did everything to not look at Birdy. But even after a while I couldn’t avoid it. And when I saw her my body dropped. I didn’t feel sadness for some reason. My body was flooded with anger. Even more so now. “She was just a child..” I said quietly. But Michael heard. “I’m so, so sorry I- He shouldn’t hav-..” “SHUT UP!” I cut him off. “I DON’T CARE WHY IT SHOULD OR SHOULDN’T HAPPEN! I WANNA KNOW WHY IT HAPPENED!” I stood up and walked towards him with my gun pointed at him. “She.. She was positive. She had the virus.” He stammered. “THAT’S IMPOSsible-..” Her arm I remembered. When the dead came in to the house she had covered her arm. I walked over to the side where Birdy had hurt her arm and took off the bandages.

“No.” She was bit. This was my fault. I should’ve checked her. I should have.. I should have done better. Why didn’t I check her.

“You know they are gonna come looking for me. We don’t have a lot of people anymore. So Tyler wants everybody he can save. You can make him get you food, water, clothes, medicine anything you want. You got the upper hand here.” Michael told me.

“Do you have a knife?” I asked. “I didn’t see you drop any knifes earlier and I know you should have one, so where is it.” I tried to sound as calm as I possibly could. Which was very hard. An Michael looked like he hoped I didn’t know that. Though luck.

“Uhm.. I-” He stammered. I pointed the gun at him again. And walked around him. “Well?” I asked waiting for his answer. When I was behind him I saw that he was holding a pocketknife. “I’ll take that.” And I grabbed it out of his hands.

“Just don’t do anything you’ll regret. We could really help you.” He tried again.

“And you will. You’ll make sure that your friend will leave us alone.” Meanwhile I opened the pocketknife. Walked towards him and slit his throat. “You just won’t be alive to tell him that.”

I put the knife away in my pocket and walked towards Birdy. My body felt just heavy seeing her. It hurt. So I decided to push all of that away for now. There will come a time where I can deal with it. That time is just not now. Now I have to find Alice and Clark and be strong. I have to put on my brave face. I picked up Birdy and started looking for Alice and Clark.

It took me a couple of hours to find Alice and Clark. When I found them Alice broke down. Seeing Birdy like this. “I thought, I’d take her, so we can burry her.” I stated. I felt numb. Holding Birdy for that long, while she is so still. She could never really sit still or keep quiet. She always wanted to play and talk, but now, now it was nothing but quietness and no movement.

“Thank you.” Alice said between sobs.

Not to far from where we were there was a graveyard. It was the best place to put her. Nobody dead or alive will bother her there. We put a rock on her grave that said, Birdy Cattaneo the bravest girl on earth. After that we found a car that worked and decided to go North. Wyoming. It was December so it was all very cold every where we went. To drive away from that graveyard was the hardest thing I have ever done. It felt like my heart was being ripped to pieces the further we got. It was hard to breathe. But it was for the best, getting as far away as possible from this place. Alice was crying almost the whole way and Clark was just very confused about it all and asked ‘Bubba?’ a lot.

That day was the longest day I have ever had.

Day 40

After a couple of days we already had found a house. This was good because it was so cold now. There was a thick layer of snow laying outside, but luckily not to thick where we couldn’t walk through anymore. After all that happened I didn’t talk a lot. Neither did Alice. It was mostly quiet beside Clark talking up a storm.

“Oh no.” I heard Alice say. “What happened?” I asked as I walked in the kitchen where Alice was.

“My water.. it broke, but it is too early. We still have about two weeks.” Alice panickily stated. We both knew that when het water broke there was only about a twelve hour window where the baby needs to be born before it would get dangerous for him.

“Ok, what do you need?” I asked. “Towels, water and something to wrap him in.” And I did as I was told. I searched the house for all the things we needed. In one of the closets I found a small blanket where he could be wrapped in.

When I came down stairs I saw Alice leaning over. “Do you have contractions?” I asked. I took a little bit for her to answer. “Yes, but they are far apart and not regular.” She stated out of breath.

In the middle of all this I put Clark down in one of the guest rooms the people had who lived here before. He was asleep really fast luckily.

After about six hours the contractions were getting a bit closer. But not close enough yet.

“Can you promise me something y/n?” Alice asked. It was so quiet now it startled me that she spoke.

“Yes, anything.” I answered back. I looked at her and her face was being lit by the light of the fire we had going to keep us warm. Outside it was pitch black. It was just a little after midnight.

“If I die-” She started but I cut her off. “You’re not going to everything will be ok.” I told her quickly. “We don’t know. And that’s ok, but I need you to promise me something. Please.” There was a pause. The truth is, we didn’t know what was going to happen. But I couldn’t bear the thought of her dying too, so soon after Birdy.

“If I don’t make it. Will you be their mother? I-.. I just don’t want you to get separated again and the children look like you and.. I just.. I know it is a lot to ask, but if I die they will not have anybody else.”

“I will, but nothing is going to happen to you.” I told her.

present day

“All through the night I told her that she’d be ok, but it was a lie I was telling myself. We both knew she wasn’t going to make it. After eleven hours Alice started pushing. And everything went so quickly. She pushed for about an hour when Jayden was born.” I looked at Jayden who was still sound asleep next to me.

“But I was so busy with Jayden, cleaning him and being distracted by his crying that I didn’t notice that Alice was bleeding out. I asked her what do I do, but she never responded... I was too late to do anything and even if I wasn’t too late, I didn’t know what I was doing or how to save her. I tried CPR, but that obviously didn’t help. I just.. I- I couldn’t do anything beside letting her die. And when she wasn’t breathing anymore I covered her with a blanket that was hanging over the couch. Then I walked upstairs with Jayden.”

Day 41

Jayden had fallen asleep luckily. I was freaking out Alice had died giving birth. How am I supposed to take care of him. There is no milk or anything for him to eat. I would have to look for formula. Where am I supposed to find that? Probably everything was taken by now. For now water will have to do, because I don’t have anything else.

Then all of a sudden I heard rumbling down stairs. I got the knife that I held in my pocket and went downstairs to investigate the noise. When I came down Alice’s body was gone.

“What the fuck?” Did someone move her? Did the dead get inside. Because before we got here there was no dead for miles.

I walked around towards the kitchen and there I saw it. It was Alice. “Alice, are you ok? I- I thought you..” I started and when she turned around I saw that she was one of the dead. But she wasn’t bitten or sick.

“No..” I trailed off. How could this happen? I was backing up from her. She started following me and making noises. She sounded like she was one of the dead. “Alice, please..” She came closer. I tried pushing her. “Alice!” This can’t be happening. Then I let myself go numb. I pushed her up against the wall and looked her in the eyes while she was still probably trying to eat me. “I’m sorry. I will take care of them.. I promise.” And the I put my knife through her head. She stopped moving.

Present day

“After that I dug a grave in their backyard and buried her next to a big tree. I cleaned up everything inside, like nothing had happened.” I told Al.

“What did you tell Clark?” She asked.

“Nothing. He was too young to understand any of it. And if he asked I’d tell him she is with Birdy. But he stopped asking about her really quickly and started calling me mamma. And I am. In every single way besides blood.” I stated. I looked over at Clark. He was waving all the sticks at me that he had found.

“We stayed in that house for a while.. Looking back at it.. We should have never left. Because the people I met after that were people that were from a horror movie.” Thinking about it, made me sick.

...

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think!!

#dean #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #dean x you #deanwinchtser #sam winchester #supernatural #the walking dead #supernatural fanfic #twd fanfiction #the walking dead fanfiction #dean winchester fanfiction #dean fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #supernatural fanfiction

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thekillerssluts · 4 years

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The Story Behind Every Song On Will Butler’s New Album Generations

Will Butler has a lot on his mind. It has, after all, been five years since his solo debut, Policy. A lot can happen in half a decade, and a lot has happened in this past half-decade — much of it quite dire. Butler was in his early 30s when Policy came out, and now he’s closing in on 40. He’s a husband and father. And he’s shaken by the state of the world, the idea of being an artist and a soon-to-be middle-aged man striving to guide his family through the chaos.

At least, that’s how it comes across through much of Generations, his sophomore outing that arrives today. Generations is a big, sprawling title by nature, and the album in turn grapples with all kinds of big picture anxieties. Mass shootings, the overarching darkness and anxiety of our time, trying to reckon with our surroundings but the system overload that occurs all too easily in the wake of it. Then there are more intimate songs, too, tales drawn from personal lives as people plug along just trying to navigate a tumultuous era.

Butler is, of course, no stranger to crafting music that seeks to parse the cultural moment and how it impacts in our daily lives. Ever since Arcade Fire ascended to true arena-rock status on The Suburbs 10 years ago, they have embarked on projects that explicitly try to make sense of our surroundings. (Not that their earlier work was bereft of heavy concepts — far from it — but Reflektor and Everything Now turned more of a specific eye towards contemporary ills and trials.) But as one voice amongst many in Arcade Fire, there is a cinematic scope to whatever Butler’s playing into there.

On Generations, he engages with a lot of similar concerns but all in his own voice — often yelping, desperate, frustrated then just trying to catch a breath. Butler leans on his trusty Korg MS-20 throughout Generations, often giving the album a synth-y indie backdrop that allows him to try on a few different selves. There are a handful of surging choruses, “la-la” refrains batting back against the darkness, slinking grooves maybe allowing someone the idea of brief physical release amidst ongoing strife.

Ahead of Generations’ arrival, Butler sent us some thoughts on the album, running from inspiration between the individual tracks to little details about the arrangement and composition of different songs. Now that you can hear the album for yourself, check it out and read along with Butler’s comments below.

1. “Outta Here”

I think this is the simplest song on the record. Just, like, get me out of here. Get me fucking out of here. I’m so tired of being here. No, I don’t have another answer, and I don’t expect anything to be better anywhere else. But, please, I would like to leave here.

I can play plenty of instruments, and can make interesting sounds on them, but kinda the only instrument I’m good at is a synth called the Korg MS-20. That’s the first sound on the record. It makes most of the bass you hear on the record. It’s a very aggressive, loud, versatile machine, and I wanted to start the record with it cause I’m good at playing it and it makes me happy.

2. “Bethlehem”

This song partly springs from “The Second Coming” by William Butler Yeats: “What rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?” Like a lot of folks, I woke up after the election in 2016 mad and sad and scared and exhausted. This song is born of that emotion.

My bandmates Jenny Shore, Julie Shore, and Sara Dobbs sing the bridge, and it’s a corrective to my (appropriate?) freaking out — this isn’t the apocalypse. You’re misquoting Yeats. Get your fucking head on straight. History has not ruptured — this shit we’re in is contiguous with the shit we’ve been dealing with for a long, long time. But still, we sometimes do need an apocalyptic vision to make change. Even if it’s technically wrong. I dunno. It’s an ongoing conversation.

There’s a lot of interplay with backing vocals on this record — sometimes the narrator is the asshole, sometimes the backing vocals are the asshole. Sometimes they’re just trying their best to figure out the world. This song starts that conversation.

3. “Close My Eyes”

I tried to make these lyrics a straightforward and honest description of an emotion I feel often: “I’m tired of waiting for a better day. But I’m scared and I’m lazy and nothing’s gonna change.” Kind of a sad song. Trying to tap into some Smokey Robinson/Motown feeling — “I’ve got to dance to keep from crying.”

There’s a lot of Mellotron on this record, and a lot of MS-20. This song has a bunch of Mellotron strings/choirs processed through the MS-20. It’s a trick I started doing on the Arcade Fire song “Sprawl II,” and I love how it sounds and I try to do it on every song if I can.

4. “I Don’t Know What I Don’t Know”

This makes a pair with “Close My Eyes” — shit is obviously fucked, but “I don’t know what I don’t know what I don’t know what I can do.” I’m not a proponent of the attitude! Just trying to describe it, as I often feel it. In my head, I know some things that I can do — my wife Jenny, for instance, works really hard to get state legislatures out of Republican control. Cause it’s all these weirdo state legislative chambers that have enormous power over law enforcement, and civil rights, and Medicaid, and everything.

The image in the last verse was drawn from the protests in Ferguson in 2015: “Watch the bullets and the beaters as they move through the streets — grab your sister’s kids — hide next to the fire station…” It’s been horrifically disheartening to see the police riot across America as their power has been challenged. I’ve got a little seed of hope that we might change things, but, man, dark times.

More MS-20 bass on this one, chained to the drum machine. This one is supposed to be insanely bass heavy — if it comes on in a car, the windows should be rattling, and you should be asking, “What the heck is going on here?” Trying for a contemporary hip-hop bass sound but in a way less spare context. First song with woodwinds — rhythmic stuff and freaky squeals by Stuart Bogie and Matt Bauder.

5. “Surrender”

This song is masquerading as a love song, but it’s more about friendship. About the confusion that comes as people change: Didn’t you use to have a different ideal? Didn’t we have the same ideal at some point? Which of us changed? How did the world change? Relationships that we sometimes wish we could let go of, but that are stuck within us forever.

It’s also about trying to break from the first-person view of the world. “What can I do? What difference can I make?” It’s not about some singular effort — you have to give yourself over to another power. Give over to people who have gone before who’ve already built something — you don’t have to build something new! The world doesn’t always need a new idea, it doesn’t always need a new personality. What can you do with whatever power and money you’ve got? Surrender it over to something that’s already made. And then the song ends with an apology: I’m sorry I’ve been talking all night. Just talk talk talking, all night. Shut up, Will.

Going for “wall of sound” on this one — bass guitar and bass synth and double tracked piano bass plus another piano plus Mellotron piano. The “orchestra” is about a dozen different synth and Mellotron tracks individually detuned. And then run through additional processing.

6. “Hide It Away”

This song is about secrets. Both on an intimate, heartbreaking level — friends’ miscarriages, friends’ immigration status, shitty affairs coming to light — and on a grand, horrible level: New York lifting the statute of limitations on child abuse prosecutions, all the #MeToo reporting. There’s nothing you can do when your secret is revealed. Like, what can you do? You just have to let the response wash over you. If you’ve done something horrible, god-willing, you’ll have to pay for it in some way. If it’s something not horrible, but people will hate you anyway, goddammit, I wish there were some way to protect you.

This song has the least poetic line on the record, a real clunker: “It’s just money and power, money and power might set them free.” But it’s a clunky, shitty concept — the most surefire protection is being rich and knowing powerful people. But even then, shit just might come out. Even after you’re long dead.

Came from a 30-second guitar sample I recorded while messing around at the end of trying to track a different song. I liked the chords, looped them to make a demo. And the song was born from there. This is the one song I play drums on. Snare is chained to the MS-20, trying to play every frequency the ear can hear at the same time on some of those big hits.

7. “Hard Times”

[Laughs] I sat down and tried to write a Spotify charting electro-hit, and this is what came out: “Kill the rich, salt the earth.” Oh well. Written way before COVID-19, but my 8-year-old son turned to me this spring and asked, “Did you write the song ‘Hard Times’ about now, because we’re living through hard times?” No, I didn’t.

In Dostoevsky’s Notes From Underground, the narrator is a real son-of-a-bitch—contrarian, useless. Mad at the strong confident people who think they’ve got it figured out. And they don’t! And neither does the narrator — but he knows he doesn’t, and he at times yearns for some higher answer, and he’s funny, and too clever, but still knows he’s a piece of shit. I read Notes From Underground in high school and kinda forgot how it shaped my worldview until I sat down with it a couple years ago. The bridge on this song is basically smushed up quotes from Notes From Underground.

I was asking Shiftee, who mixed the record, if there are any vocal plug-ins I should be playing around with. He pointed me toward Little AlterBoy, which is basically a digital recreation of the kind of pedal the Knife use, for instance, on their vocal sound. It can shift the timbre/character of a voice without changing the pitch. Or change pitch without changing character. Very fun! Very much all over this track. Tried to make the bridge sound like a Sylvester song.

8. “Promised”

Another friend song masquerading as a love song. I’ve met a handful of extraordinary people in my life, who stopped doing extraordinary work because life is hard and it sucks. People who — I mean, it’s a lottery and random and who cares — could be great writers or artists, who kind of just disappeared. And it’s heartbreaking and frustrating. I don’t blame them. Maybe they weren’t made for this world. Maybe it’s just random. Maybe they’ll do amazing work in their 60s!

We tracked this song before it was written. Julie and Miles came over and we made up a structure and did a bunch of takes, found a groove. Which I then hacked up into what it is now! The bed tracks are lovely and loose. Maybe I’ll put out a jammier version of this song at some point. The other big synth on this record is the Oberheim OB-8, and that’s the bass on this one (triple tracked along with some MS-20).

9. “Not Gonna Die”

This song is about terrorism, and the response to terrorism. I wrote it a couple weeks after the Bataclan shooting in Paris in 2015. For some reason, a couple weeks after the shooting, I was in midtown Manhattan. I must have been Christmas shopping. I had to pop into the Sephora on 5th Avenue to pick up something specific — I think for my wife or her sister. I don’t remember. But I remember walking in, and the store was really crowded, and for just a split second I got really scared about what would happen if someone brought out a gun and started shooting up the crowd. And then I got so fucking mad at the people that made me feel that emotion. Like, I’m not gonna fucking die in the midtown Sephora, you fucking pieces of shit. Thanks for putting that thought in my head.

BUT ALSO, fuck all the fucking pieces of shit who are like, “We can’t accept refugees — what if they’re terrorists?” FUCK OFF. Some fucking terrified family driven from their home by a war isn’t going to kill me. Or anyone. Fuck off. Some woman from Central America fleeing from her husband who threatened to kill her isn’t going to fucking bomb Times Square. You fucking pieces of shit.

In November/December 2015, the Republican primary had already started — Trump had announced in June. And every single one of those pieces of shit running for president were talking about securing our borders, and keeping poor people out, and trying to justify it by security talk. FUCK OFF. You pieces of shit. Fuck right off. Anyway. Sorry for cursing.

I kind of think of the outro of this song as an angry “Everyday People.” Everyday people aren’t going to kill me. Lots of great saxes on this track from Matt Bauder and Stuart Bogie.

The intro of the song we recorded loud, full band, which I then ran through the MS-20 and filtered down till it was just a bass heart-pulse, and re-recorded solo piano and voice over that.

10. “Fine”

I kind of think that “Outta Here” to “Not Gonna Die” comprise the record, and “Fine” operates as the afterword and the prologue rolled into one. An author’s note, maybe. It was kind of inspired by high-period Kanye: I wanted to talk about something important in a profane, sometimes horribly stupid way, but have it be honest and ultimately transcendent.

In the song, I talk semi-accurately about where I come from. My mom’s dad was a guitar player who led bands throughout the ’30s and ’40s. In post-war LA, he had a band with Charles Mingus as the bass player. Charles Mingus! One of the greatest geniuses in all of American history. But this was the ’40s, and in order to travel with the band, to go in the same entrances, to eat dinner at the same table, he had to wear a Hawaiian shirt and everybody had to pretend he was Hawaiian. Because nobody was sure how racist they were supposed to be against Hawaiians.

Part of the reason I’m a musician is that my great-grandfather was a musician, and his kids were musicians, and their kids were musicians, and their kids are musicians. Part of the reason is vast generations of people working to make their kids’ lives better, down to my life. Part of the reason is that neither government nor mob has decided to destroy my family’s lives, wealth, and property for the last couple hundred years. I tried to write a song about that?

Generations is out now via Merge. Purchase it here.

https://www.stereogum.com/2098946/will-butler-generations-song-meanings/franchises/interview/footnotes-interview/

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