#I’m not ashamed to say I cried afterwards lol

[athetos]

It’s not world-ending but one thing that irks me is when I show a friend an extreme metal song I love and they just say “it all sounds the same/like noise, I don’t get it.” I’m perfectly fine with the I don’t get it part, there’s genres I’m not a huge fan of obviously, and yeah, heavy metal is abrasive, that’s kind of the point. I also don’t expect someone to understand the insane variety in metal; while all subgenres typically have downtuned guitars and harsh vocals, that’s kind of where the similarities end. No, the thing that bothers me is that it comes off as rude and dismissive. There’s plenty of ways to say you don’t personally care for a song without being negative. For me, my go to is “not something I’d go out of my way to listen to, but I can see why you like it.” Because there is something there that my friend enjoys, and when I listen, I try to find one or two of those things. I like understanding why people are drawn to certain types of music.

(Also, if you say those things about rap, you kinda sorta might be racist. Please reflect on that.)

[queen-of-bel]

finally gonna write up my thoughts on lost judgment now that i’ve finished everything and had some time to digest it all

putting under a cut bc this is gonna be long, even by my usual ramble-y standards

As always, bad first before good, but my nits/complaints with LJ are... mostly minor, I’m gonna be honest. 

I do wish that there were more dynamic intros for bosses. The ones that we did get were absolutely amazing, so it’s not like RGG can’t do it. I’m not sure why they skimped out on dynamic intros for this game, but that was a bit disappointing, not gonna lie.

Also, does anyone want to tell me why an action/beat em up style game somehow managed to make their BOXING minigame the least fun of them all? Like good lord, you really would’ve assumed that making boxing fun would’ve been a cakewalk for them.

And speaking of poorly balanced things, the Amon fight was underwhelmingly easy. I’ve always LOVED the Amon fights in these games bc they absolutely kick my ass and I have so much fun with them. This one, though? I beat it second attempt on hard without even really trying too much. I remember afterwards just thinking “is that it?” So yeah. That was kind of a bummer.

Probably my most substantial complaint I have tho is how much of a backseat the first game’s characters/plot took. I know that RGG said you don’t need to play the first game in order to play LJ, but... come on. It’s a sequel. Who cares about spoiling the first game? I really would’ve LOVED to see what Okubo or Hamura are up to now. Or to hear Sugiura’s thoughts on Sawa’s death since it mirrored his own sisters’ murder in so many ways.

Still, I can’t say that this really bothered me too much, because...

The good

Holy shit. The characters in LJ just... I’m not gonna lie. I kinda like these characters a bit more than the first cast. I still love everyone from the first game dearly, but I felt like LJ’s writing was a significant step up from the first game, and that really helped their character writing.

I feel like Judgment suffered from poor pacing at times in the first few chapters. It’s not always clear which way the story is going to go-- there’s some weird shoe-horned in drama with Kaito/Adachi, and making the player discover the truth about Higashi’s past so early on in the game also felt a bit out of left field. I remember just like “lmao i don’t even know this dude who cares?” Once the ball started rolling, though, the game is phenomenal.

But this is my review of LJ, not it’s predecessor.

Anyway, I feel like LJ didn’t have any of those pacing issues. It just throws you into the madness and does not stop. It was nice that nearly NONE of the side content was mandatory, so it just felt like I was able to be fully immersed in the story and not get distracted with having to do like... drone racing or things like that.

And god was that story amazing. There are few times that I’ve genuinely cried at a video game, and I’m not ashamed to admit that this was one of them.

Regarding the story themes of bullying and how it’s handled... Even though I feel that was absolutely the strongest part of LJ, I... actually don’t want to dive into it too much in this post. If anyone has been keeping up with my playthrough tag, they can piece together how I feel about it. It just... mirrored a lot of what had happened in my own past and at times, the game became almost too difficult to play. Not in a bad way, but the game hit close to home a lot and that made me sympathize with Kuwana probably more than is socially acceptable to LOL

Speaking of Kuwana, can I just take some time to gush about his character? When he first was introduced I rolled my eyes at how boring he seemed but holy fuck, I take that ALL back. I’ve written more about how I feel about Kuwana here, but this man is easily my favorite RGG character now.

His motives, his sense of justice, how he executes that justice... Christ. I’ve always been partial to the “vigilante killer who recognizes that he’s on the wrong path” trope anyway, but Kuwana just blows them out of the water. When you see how he actively attempts to make amends for what he did, it’s so hard to blame him. 

Even when Reiko betrays him, he harbors no grudge over it. He feels that it’s his fault Mitsuru tried to kill himself, and that Reiko has every right to do whatever she wants, even at the expense of his own wellbeing. The only thing that Kuwana cares about is making sure that her secret never gets out.

He doesn’t sweep Sawa’s death under the rug, either. His original plan was to get Soma out alive and convicted for her murder. This was his way of trying to make it up to Sawa. But if that plan failed, he had a failproof plan B where he would do what he does best. 

When all else fails, and he’s watching these people walk away unscathed, with nothing weighing them down and nobody to judge them, he strikes. He takes matters into his own hands, and that’s exactly what he was planning on doing with Soma. If he couldn’t get Soma out alive to get justice for Sawa’s death, then he’ll kill Soma and destroy Shinya’s body, forever securing the freedom Reiko so desperately needs if she wants to remain reunited with her son.

But of course, this sense of justice that Kuwana has isn’t without flaw. While it’s so easy to want to root for him because man, fuck Shinya, Yui, and Mikoshiba. They’re all pieces of shit-- who cares what happens to them? Kuwana doesn’t... really have an end goal. He says he’ll keep doing this if it means that he can prevent another incident like Mitsuru’s suicide attempt, but he literally has no answer as to how his actions can prevent that. Everything he’s done has always been reactive, never preventative. And while it’s satisfying to see someone get their comeuppance, how exactly is this supposed to fix anything on a larger, societal scale? Maybe people will start to get wind that former bullies are being murdered as adults, but the incidents are scattered over such a long period of time that clearly nobody has been connecting the dots. He can keep doing what he’s doing, but there’s inevitably going to be another innocent person like Sawa dragged into the mix.

Enter Yagami and his own sense of justice.

I’ve seen people complain that Yagami relies too heavily on Sawa’s death to get his point across, but I don’t... really agree. To me, it didn’t feel so much as that Yagami was using Sawa’s death to convince Kuwana that his sense of justice was wrong, but moreso that Yagami needed to remind himself that Kuwana’s justice isn’t right. It’s so easy to just be like “oh cool, Kuwana, keep doing your thing.” but he needs to remind himself that Kuwana’s methods are not without collateral damage.

You know, but even then, when Yagami says that someone needs to stand up Sawa because she can’t speak for herself anymore, Kuwana can turn around and say the exact same thing about Toshiro and the other kids who killed themselves.

I think this back and forth really gets into the heart of why this was such a good moral dilemma, and why Yagami and Kuwana are such good foils for each other.

They don’t hate each other at all. In fact, they’re desperately trying to find a solution that caters to both of their morals. Neither are fully satisfied with the results that their convictions will bring, and god damn it if there's a way they can combine the best of both worlds they're gonna do it. But they both know that's not possible so what ends up happening is just a bitter fight full of despair-- two men putting everything on the line to fight for what they truly believe in.

There are very few times where the prospect of a boss fight gutted me and I’m not ashamed to admit that I teared up during the buildup of the Kuwana fight. I predicted earlier on that he would be the final boss, but after hearing his plea to keep Reiko and Mitsuru together... I really, really did not want to fight him.

Speaking of, I didn’t think it would be possible for me to cry over a character that had about 2 minutes of screentime, but Mitsuru Kusumoto... you have my entire heart. To be honest, when Reiko stood up and said that it’s time to end this, I had a mini heart attack because I thought she meant that she was going to pull the plug. I’m so happy to see that he woke up, but it’s heartbreaking to think about what his life is going to be from now on. He’s lost the only two people that supported him while he was in a coma, and now, he’s not only going to have to deal with the fallout of what Reiko did, but he has to navigate a world that went on for thirteen years without him all by himself.

Anyway, I’m still undecided on where I actually stand on the Kuwana vs. Yagami debate. It’s so easy to (half) joke online and be like “Oh, Kuwana did nothing wrong”, but if I stop and ask myself if I really feel that way... I certainly lean more Kuwana than Yagami, but it doesn’t really sit right with me. I think this exchange between Higashi and Sugiura sums up my thoughts:

I suppose that’s the whole point, because even Kuwana feels that way about his own actions, saying that he’d be too ashamed to face Sawa in the afterlife. But then again, Ehara has a point when he says that GOD knows how long it’ll take for the system to do any type of change to hold bullies accountable for their actions.

So while I’m on the topic of Ehara...

His character really blew me away. He didn’t have a ton of screentime, but the time that he did have really stole the show. This line of his in particular really stood out to me, and strikes at the heart of why Yagami’s and Saori’s arguments are flawed.

I feel like it’s a more refreshing take on vigilantism. The focus is a lot less on punishing those who deserve it, and moreso on taking a stand for those who have been utterly abandoned. It’s a slightly more nuanced stance that I really appreciate. I feel that often times, vigilante characters are those who are either don’t have patience with the system, or view themselves as some kind of defender of justice. Kuwana, Ehara, and Reiko don’t fit in either of those cases though. They all really feel as though they were forced into their actions. They didn’t want to do it, but what other choice did they have? There’s an element of hopelessness and desperation that I feel really elevates their characters. The acknowledgment that they did something evil, but that’s just how it is, and what they had to do.

And speaking of necessary evils...

Kazuki Soma. Oh my god, what a character. Soma is really easy to brush off as just some run of the mill, sadistic murderer. And while that is true of his character, he also is a lot more than that.

It’s really fun to compare his morals and sense of justice with Kuwana’s, because Soma’s “big picture” mindset is exactly what Kuwana’s sense of justice is missing.

I don’t know if this was intended to be a dig at Kuwana, but it definitely works as one. Kuwana’s method of “haphazardly taking them out” (with “them” meaning bullies) really is just a patchwork approach at best and there’s no sense of direction or an end goal in sight. 

While Kuwana is driven by emotions, focusing on the individual and short-term good, Soma’s sense of justice is driven more by logic-- a cold, detached view of the world in order to preserve a greater good. He very methodically analyzes his behavior and the world around him, and comes to the conclusion that his actions are necessary to maintain societal peace. The pleasure that Soma derives from his work absolutely makes him one sick bastard, and you may not agree with his logic, but it would be unfair to his character to deny that he makes some good points.

When you start to triangulate Yagami, Kuwana, and Soma’s characters and how they each define justice and morals, you start to get this really interesting web of gray morality. While the ideal sense of justice would be to combine the best aspects of all three definitions, that unfortunately can’t exist in the real world. So at what point in this web is the most “right”?

This triangulation also made for a much more emotionally compelling plot to me. Don’t get me wrong. I was (and still am) so emotionally invested in the first game. It was amazing with that sense of helplessness it instilled in the player. After Morita was clearly willing to turn a blind eye to the AD-9 testing, then what? You felt like your back was against the wall, with the entire world against you. Like Sugiura said, how could you be expected to fight that?

But in LJ, the plot feels much more... intimate. Yes, there’s the stuff with Bando and Public Security, but those sat relatively in the backseat throughout the game. When looking at Ehara’s trial, the point wasn’t to unravel the entire coverup and mess that was Public Security’s involvement. The appeal trial was simply to get Ehara to confess that he killed Mikoshiba. Even the most “big picture” crimes that Yagami wanted to solve were pretty localized when you look at them. Soma’s capture and Reiko turning herself in would mean that there would be justice for Sawa’s death, but it’s not like the goal was to take down Bando as well or topple RK as a whole.

Yagami really looked at Bando, RK, and Kuwana’s 5 other victims and said like “not my battle”. He recognized that it was outside of his reach-- he’s not powerful enough to do anything about it. All he can do is trust that Mafuyu and her team can sort out the Bando issue, and hope that Kuwana does some deep reflections on his actions and eventually turns himself in.

You know, this made me really gain a lot of respect for Yagami. To recognize his limitations and not get greedy and push his luck required an incredible amount of strength. It would’ve been so easy for him to try and capture Kuwana as well, but he knows that it won’t end well.

Yagami recognizes that he’s bound by the confines of a flawed system, but he’ll still do as much as he can to preserve and execute his own sense of justice.

... I feel like I’ve talked a LOT about the story and characters, so I’ll switch gears to jot down my other thoughts about the game.

The buzz words/chatter researcher was a GREAT way of finding sidecases. I absolutely loved it. It really made me feel like I was an actual detective, sniffing out cases around town.

Thank GOD Mafuyu stopped being this weird “is she or isn’t she” love interest for Yagami. It was really unclear as to how Yagami felt about her in the first game, but in LJ, I can definitely now believe him when he says “we aren’t like that”

I was really wary of the school stories, and how well the school setting would be integrated into the game, but it was perfect in my opinion. I loved seeing Yagami be the cool, dependable uncle figure to everyone, making sure that they get to have the experiences and opportunities that he missed out on.

Dancing in particular was SO FUN. I love going back and watching recordings of Esmeralda. Idk, it’s just so great to watch those funky little characters dance and have fun. 

Itokura is a girlboss. That’s all I have to say.

Vorarephilia is a fucking BANGER of a track but my god, did RGG really have to name one of the best songs “vore”????

Speaking of the soundtrack, Rasen was an AMAZING opening song. When I realized that the full length version was released on the same day that Mitsuru tried to kill himself, I nearly cried. It was such an emotional song, and Ado was the perfect choice for the singer.

I really, really hope that the series doesn’t end here. Even if Kimura can’t be in the game anymore, I’d love to see an update on Kuwana’s character. I know that LJ’s ending makes it seem like he’s switching over to Yagami’s definition of justice, but I don’t actually see it that way. If anything, Kuwana might be changing his strategy to think more about his long-term goal.

When he reports the bodies, he does so anonymously, yet he makes it clear that all of his victims were bullies in the past.

Clearly, he has no intent of turning himself in right now. Is he staying hidden because he wants to make sure Soma is convicted of Sawa’s murder, and then he’ll reveal himself afterwards? Or is this his way of letting society know that there is someone out there, willing to hold them accountable to their actions if no one else will? Maybe in revealing his trump card, this is his way of signaling to other bullies that they aren’t safe and that revenge can come for them at any moment. It won’t be immediate, but vengeance WILL come for them.

The game gives no indication as to what Kuwana plans to do next. It’s open-ended, and I think expanding on that would make for a really strong third entry in the series.

Anyway, I'll stop this train of thought here because speculation about a potential sequel doesn’t belong in a review post.

tldr, I thought this was a really, really good game. 9.5/10 easily. This has certainly become my favorite RGG game, and I’m going to go ahead and say that this is just one of my favorite games of all time, period.

[i-did-not-mean-to]

Never say never - Chapter 13

Here's a new chapter of my main story (I forgot to go on posting lol)

Fandom: RPF- Richard Armitage

Characters : OC x RA

Rating : Mature

Warnings : RPF (and factually incorrect and very soppy)

°13° ­~Victoria~

She had expected questions and intrusive crowding, but her friends and their friends, sat motionless around the table still. Victoria saw that they had unpacked every single book and movie she had bought and put them into piles, though she could not discern the logic governing the separate piles.

“Have a nice chat?” Liza asked after a moment of Victoria just standing in the door, wordless, chewing on her lower lip.

Victoria, in turn, gave an assenting grunt and handed Martin back his phone with a grateful smile.

“More information, please?” Angie demanded, crossing her legs, and putting her folded hands upon them like a school mistress ready to listen to the recitation of a particularly hopeless student. Victoria bristled.

She had to dig her heels into the floor to keep herself from turning around and fleeing the room. Adulthood somehow boiled down to the absence of the heavy, constraining hand at the back of her neck, and Victoria had a tendency to bolt every chance that she got. Afterwards, she always felt ashamed because she knew that she had not solved anything by just leaving a situation in which she felt uncomfortable, but she had not learned how to face her instincts and overcome them.

For her, it had always been a matter of being able to follow her reflexes or being forced to go against them.

It pained her to discover that her instincts were all wrong and, what was worse, not only did they neither soothe nor protect Victoria herself, no, they also usually ended up hurting someone else.

“We…we talked. I said he’s welcome to come here if he cares to. He said he’d help me set up any other furniture I might need.” She felt and sounded sheepish, Victoria knew, but she didn’t know how to make that very normal conversation sound like the outrageous exchange of dark confessions the others apparently expected.

“Oh, so I’ve been made redundant? And I had hoped you’d let me watch the movie with you.” Hiddleston winked at her.

Big breath, Victoria told herself, this was good, this was healthy, don’t run, stand your ground.

“You’re welcome here, little fairy-lord. You can come watch the movie with me.” She said in a tiny voice.

“Oh goodie good good, we have made piles of movies we want to watch along with you…on your fancy new TV…” Angie clapped her hands and, finally, Victoria understood the piles. “You naughty girl, you.” Liza laughed.

“Naughty?” Victoria blinked. She did not see why she would be naughty for watching movies. Had her father been right, and they corrupted the impeccable morals he had tried to instil in her? Were movies the devil’s dark corruption after all?

Martin had called it “porn”, she remembered, and a cold shiver ran down her spine.

“What are you talking about? Have I done something wrong?” Panic seeped into her voice now and she was starting to feel a little dizzy. She knew that Liza sometimes made crude jokes, but up to this point, she had never been the butt of these jokes.

“Liza!” Angie hissed, rushing to Victoria’s side to soothe her with shushing noises and tender caresses. “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” She said, but Victoria could hear that she was lying, as noted before, Angie was a terrible liar.

“Yeah, low blow, I’m sorry. So, what else does Armitage say?” Liza lifted her hands apologetically and leaned back in her chair, knowing that Victoria would most probably shrink back from her if she was to approach right now.

“He wanted to go over some comments in the script with me. We might meet up if he finds the time. I gave him my number.” Victoria narrated in an emotionless voice; her mind still occupied by the accusation of being a naughty girl.

Angie threw a look at her wife that was so earth-shatteringly severe that Liza didn’t even dare make a face at that. Unfortunately, Jenna had not picked up on it and so, still snacking on the pizza crust, she asked: “Really? You gave him your number? Cute.”

Victoria stared at her for a solid 2 minutes; her mouth was bone-dry, and her tongue seemed to be glued to her teeth. She barely heard the warning hiss Angie gave her employee. Her head was spinning; she was entering territories of supposition and innuendo she was painfully unfamiliar with, and it scared her.

“Cute?” She gasped, feeling the tears of helpless perplexity burn behind her eyes, ready to spill over. Victoria had never given this number to any man, because the last time she had given a man her private telephone number, she had had another number, she had lived in another city, she had led a very different life.

“It’s not like that. It’s professional.” She tried to defend herself weakly. It was true, she had met that man twice in her life, and both times, it had been with Liza in the context of that ludicrous side-job she had accepted to keep busy.

On the other hand, she was a single woman and, as far as she knew, he was a single man. She was a recent divorcee; he had never been married. He had slept with a thousand and one nameless women in his life…and she had only ever had one sexual partner and had never expected having to think about another one.

“Fuck.” She cursed. There were no Saints that came to mind to call upon in this situation. She should have trusted her gut feeling and pull out of this whole story while she was ahead; she should have left this first evening right away and never return to that damn room. She should have kept her door closed tightly.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry…I’m sure that he knows that it’s strictly professional.” Jenna tried to calm her, but her eyes were wide and worried now.

“OH! Will he? I’ve invited the man into my home, haven’t I? Like Delilah to Samson, oh Lord…” Victoria groaned, all of her compounded trauma harrowing her to the brink of tears once again. What would he think of her? Did he believe that she wanted to throw herself at him like a common prostitute? Did he expect that? Would he be violent if she refused?

If he thought that her intentions had been indecent, surely, he would not try to contact her in any way or form, would he?

“Like…Vic, do you intend to seduce him and cut his magic…hair?” Liza mocked, but when she saw the expression Victoria’s face, she fell silent instantly. She waved Hiddleston and Martin aside, feeling that they should not draw attention to themselves.

“Vic,” she pleaded, “look at me, girl. It’s okay, you’re safe. It was a dumb joke, nothing more.”

Liza knew that she had gone too far too fast; Victoria was in her living room while it was dark outside, together with 4 people who were attracted to women and yet, she had only made the connection once Armitage had been mentioned.

Devout and faithful, Victoria had only ever known the man she had married, in the biblical sense, and it had been overzealous of her to believe that she might take another lover so easily. There were too many things to unravel before.

“What have I done?” Victoria sobbed and the dam broke; hot tears broke their way out of her system, and she cried pitifully for a few minutes straight, shaking so much that her teeth clattered as if she was standing naked in the snow.

“Victoria? Is there anything I can do for you? You can talk to me.” Hiddleston offered and his calm demeanour managed to pacify her enough to shake her head slowly. “I have acted abominably. I…just can’t do anything right.” She croaked.

“That is not true. You’ve been frightened and overwhelmed at first, but you’ve been a kind hostess tonight. We had fun this afternoon, didn’t we? What is it that upsets you so?” Hiddleston took her hands and brushed his thumbs lightly across them in slow, gentle circles.

“What does that poor man think of me now? He will believe I am completely insane!” Victoria lamented, tears still running down her cheeks in regular intervals. “No, he won’t. He’s not a monster. We all can see that you’ve been through some things, but we’re here to make it better. And, as you said, it’s strictly professional. I’m sure he knows that.”

Hiddleston exchanged a look with Martin. Richard knew, but that didn’t prevent him from maybe hoping that one day, it wouldn’t be so. As far as one could make any assumptions based on Victoria’s erratic behaviour, she seemed half scared to death that it might turn into something that wasn’t all that professional anymore as well.

“You’ve had a stressful day, why don’t we leave you alone? I’m surprisingly free the next few days, so if you want me to, I can swing by tomorrow and while I go have my picture taken, you can choose some more furniture. And then, we finish the movie? What about that?” He coaxed her into calming down until a puffy face and a pathetic hiccup were all that remained of her passionate outburst. “Yes, I’d like that. We can go have cakes in the afternoon?” Victoria replied.

It was easy to like Hiddleston, and that discovery surprised and amazed her. He was kind and unobtrusive; he had a good sense of humour, and, most importantly, she was in no way attracted to him.

Oh, he was glorious, there was no denying that, but he reminded her too much of that friend she had dreamt up as a child – when she had lain in bed, lonely as can be – to be in any way titillating to her. He made her wish that she wasn’t an only child; he made her long for siblings, for someone to go to for advice and solace.

Never would she look at him like Jenna did: with big, longing cow-eyes that were starry with wordless adulation.

Vic’s mind slammed on the brakes again. Jenna did stare at that man like he had literally just fallen from the sky and, when Vic had proposed to go to the tearooms, her breath had stumbled for a second there.

Jenna had a crush on Liza’s friend.

Victoria was utterly baffled. Were things that easy in the normal world? Did people just meet someone handsome and kind, and then allowed their heart to leap into their eyes? Victoria could not fathom being that brazen and reckless.

“He’s right. Let’s retreat. I’m sorry, Vic.” Liza shooed the others out of the room. “Good night, dear Victoria. Thanks for the pizza. I hope we can be friends now.” Martin spoke gently as if to a sick child or to a fretful mare.

“Sorry for being such a mess. Yes, sure we can be friends. Thank you so much for the poppets.” She picked them up gingerly as she followed the others out of the room and turned off the lights in the living room.

“Not the kind of plastic dick people usually keep next to their bed.” Liza mumbled under her breath, which made Victoria skewer her with a scandalised, speechless look. “Sorry, it was too good to miss out on. You know, because…”

Victoria lifted her eyebrows in an expression of annoyed impatience; the joke went completely over her head.

“Richard is abbreviated Dick. You know…” Liza wagged her head from side to side to make very clear that she was only making a very tasteless joke and not attacking Victoria in any way. “Funny.” Victoria commented, her face so stern and forbidding that she would have given Armitage and Macfadyen a run for their money.

“They will not be kept next to my bed…once I get the proper décor for them.” Victoria then snarled. “Décor?” Martin was interested by that comment, his hand on the doorhandle already but his face turned to Victoria, eager to hear how she would proceed.

“I guess I’ll have to go to the pet shop to get a proper set-up where they’d feel at ease.” Victoria shrugged.

“They’re inanimate dolls.” Liza cried out, horrified at the idea that her friend would procure a cave and a hobbit-hole for two toys. “They’re the only friends I have now.” Victoria shot back with a dark smile.

“Ah, come on. I love you, girl. You know that I love you, don’t you? I’d never want to do you harm.” Liza smiled warmly, hugging Victoria to her chest, and breathing in her warm, clean smell. “Go to bed.” She breathed and left.

And so, Victoria went upstairs with her poppets, laying them gently on the pillow next to hers before getting ready for bed. She brushed her hair and her teeth, applied creams and serums, and put her clothes in the laundry basket…only to return to an empty bedroom. For all anybody cared, she could have gone to bed dirty and dishevelled; nobody would ever have known.

Shaking her head, she dispelled those thoughts forcefully. She had made progress today, she had opened her home to other people, and she had taken two different, hasty, and informal meals with them. She was not sure that her friends were aware of the fact that she had never lived alone before in her life and that those experiences were completely new to her, but she felt the excitement of having had acquaintances over.

A couch, she would buy a proper couch for her little sanctuary so more people could come and enjoy movies with her.

She was on the right track, she could feel it, and so she fell asleep, her poppets next to her, with a blissful smile.

~Richard~

He was an idiot. He had nothing to do the next few days, but he had made it sound as if he was terribly busy.

She had assumed that, and he had been too proud to clear the misunderstanding up, which made it only fair that now, the ball was in his court, and he would have to contact Victoria to plan a…meeting.

He would not call it a “date”, because first of all, it wasn’t a date, and second, he didn’t want to play into the hands of Martin and Elizabeth who had been aiming for that kind of thing apparently.

She had sounded breathless but not as hostile as before tonight. She had given him her number and he couldn’t stop fidgeting with the paper; by now, he had saved her number in his phone and on his laptop, just in case that he reduced the poor note to dust by handling it so much.

What would he say though? Should he give her a call or just text? He had said he’d text her, but he wanted to be on the phone with her again; it seemed that they were doing alright on the phone even though she frequently checked out of the conversation to talk to other people.

By now, the others were certainly gone…No, he would not call her again when he had nothing new to tell her. He wondered if she would have reached out if she had his number; women were usually better at that than men.

Sexist, cool, he was going insane at a rapid pace. Pictures of her, kneeling on the floor and praying to her various saints to protect her from whatever it was that haunted her so, rose inside his mind; he wondered if she slept in long, flowing, weirdly anachronistic nightgowns or if she went to bed in an old ratty sweatshirt. Both had their own appeal.

God, it was late, and his mind was wandering in all the wrong directions. He would not think of her in bed, he had no reason or right to do so, she had not given him any cause or encouragement to take that path down a very slippery slope, but he could not forget the small moans he had caught now and again.

Of course, they might have been groans of exasperation and impatience, but even so, there was something within him, deep beneath the parts of his mind he had any control over, that had responded ferociously to the breathless sound.

Maybe, he should just get it over with and send her one of those texts that only informed her of his number…

[irwinkitten]

got lucky | c.h

requested by anon: ok so for the bi!reader concept: last year i ended my relationship w this girl the main reason was because she was really insecure and jealous especially about me being bisexual like anytime i would talk to a guy she would just get so upset about it and she would make such gross biphobic comments and at the time i had so much internalised biphobia that i tried to convince myself i was gay n stayed in the relationship longer than i should have because i rly liked her i guess lol anyways (1/4) we ended and a while afterwards i started seeing this guy who i’d known of for ages (friends of friends type situation) but we just never really talked before or hung out but from the first date we clicked and the sex was crazy good like the type of sex were ur ditching ur vibrators cuz he’s that good lmao so one weekend we went to this party together and of course she is also there, i was so surprised and i could see her eyeing us the whole night, so when she came over i was anxious af (2/4) and this guy knew i was bi! it was no secret, i worked really hard to accept myself! so she comes over and she deadass goes “are you straight now? i knew you would end up with a man!” and she’s all smug but also hurt and im standing there like what the fuck and THEN this dumb man goes “ha guess the sex is so good i made her straight again” and i’m literally about to cry over how gross the whole interaction is and im so shocked i can’t even defend myself, i dumped him that night obviously (3/) last messgae: so basically can you pls do a redo of the gross situation where instead of being with that dumb guy its with calum and he is so protective n sweet n NORMAL n encourages u to stand up for urself about bisexuality / your sexuality, because what happened to me happens too often and its disgusting and gross and no one deserves that!! only if u feel comfortable/inspired tho, no pressure!! love u laura, thank u for creating such a safe space for all the queer babies it means a lot 💘 notes: i kinda enjoyed writing this one esp for my sweet anon baby. i love u and i hope this is everything you wanted ♥  warnings: biphobia, implications of emotional abuse

word count: 3.2k

donate to my ko-fi here

-

“Hey what’cha doing sweets?” Calum’s voice pulled you from your musings, your hand idly tracing patterns against the paper but the pen remaining on the desk. You wrenched your thoughts from the spiral you seemed to have fallen down, a smile crossing your lips as you felt your heart flutter at the sight of him.

“Nothin’. Just thinking.” You finally replied as he pulled up one of the spare chairs next to you, the bustling activity of the coffee shop falling into your background noise as his thigh pressed against yours.

“Really? Normally you doodle when you’re just thinking.” He countered with ease and your eyes dropped to the paper, noticing that the pen remained where you’d placed it when you first sat down. Subconsciously you must’ve realised that the route your thoughts had gone were not suitable to put down on paper, your fingers picking up the pen and mind falling blank immediately.

“Oh.” You breathed before placing the pen back down and packing away the pad and pen.

“What’s running through your head, doll?” Calum’s voice was quiet and concerned, you shrugged.

“Just, a lot on my mind is all. You’re not my keeper just because we’ve slept together.” You admitted quietly and he frowned before picking up his bag and for a sinking second you thought he was going to walk off, but instead, he took your bag from your hands and slung it over his shoulder. 

He looked back at you expectantly and you sighed before standing up, leaving the coffee shop with him, your eyes on the floor as you fell into step next to him.

“Your place or mine?”

“E’s gonna be home and I don’t want to hear them rant about me bringing people back.” You muttered and Calum nodded. 

“I think Ash is out. He’ll probably head out to Luke’s if I show up with you.” At his smirk, you rolled your eyes fondly before shoving him towards the bus stop. His indignant “hey!” was only ignored as you two waited for the bus, his arm slung over your shoulders.

Selfishly, you leaned into his touch, trying to ignore the fact that your stomach was doing flips at his touch alone. 

The bus journey was a quiet ten minutes, but Calum seemed to understand that you weren’t willing to talk with so many people around, so he was content to just keep you close, and you were unwilling to pull away until his stop came up.

When you reached his shared house with Ashton, you noted that the car was gone from the driveway and Calum smirked.

“Looks like he’s out. C’mon.” His hand tucked around yours and pulled you inside. And for a second you wondered if you could distract him with sex, but then the guilt appeared and you could feel the tears of frustration appear as your thoughts swirled and you felt dizzy.

Calum had stepped ahead, turning to see you stood leaning against the closed door, head in your hands and he knew something was wrong. Stepping back to you, he dropped your bags and took your hand in his, pulling you upstairs to his room and your stomach twisted uncomfortably.

“Cal I-”

“I’m not suggesting that.” He muttered. You fell silent at that and as he pulled you into his room, you felt unsure, but he gave you no chance to really deny him as he crawled into bed before opening his arms out to you.

“Cal.”

“I know you. You don’t do emotional stuff well but I’m here for a cuddle and an ear if you need it.” You fell into the embrace easily, your head resting on his chest as his arms wrapped around your shoulders, his lips finding your temple as you finally felt something in you snap, the surge of emotions overwhelming and frighteningly vivid. 

“I keep telling myself that I never was a lesbian, that I still found men attractive but Poppy made me feel like having that attraction was stupid since I was dating her and that I was a lesbian and it’s so fucking confusing because I like you, but I can hear her voice screeching that I’m not right, that I’m a lesbian or faking it or a freak.” And for the first time since you left Poppy, you cried.

Calum had been waiting for this. When the split had happened, you’d been ready for it, you’d already left her mentally, but this was what he knew you needed. He knew that the relationship with her had been toxic, but you’d never revealed the extent of her behaviour. 

His heart broke.

“Just because you like both men and women does not mean you should feel so guilty over your sexuality. There’s a B in LGBT for a reason, doll. That’s you. You’re bisexual and you should be proud of that, not ashamed because some bitch with a control issue couldn’t handle the fact that you liked more than women.” 

You found yourself gripping his shirt with your fists as you pressed your face into his chest, trying to stem the tears that seemed relentless. But Calum held his silence whilst you got it out of your system, knowing that you needed to get this off your chest. 

“I’m sorry.” You finally got out, but he simply shushed you. 

“She was a shitty person with an attitude to show. You shouldn’t apologise for the bitch.” His words were simple but it gave you a breath of ease, pulling away as hands rubbed your shoulders gently. 

He was definitely too good to you, but he was there for you regardless and you were certain that you loved him for that.

“There’s gonna be a party on the other side of town in a couple of weeks. Ash took over the old Firefly down on Hartley. He’s revamping before opening the bar to the public. You fancy going?” And you smiled at the gentle distraction he was offering. 

“We get at least a free drink if we show up, right?” And Calum laughed as he kissed your temple. 

“He wouldn’t say no to me. Or you. In fact, I’m almost certain he’s expecting me to do full introductions on that night since Luke and Mike will be there with the others and their girls.” You rolled your eyes. 

“It’s not like I went to school with Luke or anything.” Came your sarcastic retort and Calum laughed as the two of you settled for the evening. 

“Pretty sure Luke last saw you when you started dating Poppy. He’s put two and two together but he won’t say anything unless you mention it. Even then he knows it’s not his place.” Your heart seemed to swell another size in affection for Luke. 

“You’re making it difficult for me to not fall in love with you Cal. Good dick, you know how to use those lips and fingers of yours, you make me feel like I belong and you respect boundaries without me having to ask.” You finally muttered and Calum gave you an almost wistful smile. 

“You may have been with Poppy but that didn’t stop me from being friends with you. You’re someone I’ve genuinely cared about from day one. Not gonna chuck that away because of who you are. Plus growing up with my mom and sister almost made certain I’d be in touch with my feminine side.” He teased but the sincerity and understanding in his tone eased your shoulders. 

Your features softened at the admittance and you pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Then I definitely got lucky to have you in my life at least, falling in love or not.”

—

When the day of the party rolled around, you felt sick with nerves and you couldn’t understand why. 

When Calum rolled up to pick you up—he was driving to Luke’s who lived closest to the bar and you’d both get a ride back to yours before he picked up his car the following morning—he could see the nerves and the grimace on his face spoke volumes. 

“What?” You all but demanded when you were debating outfits. He’d been sitting on the bed watching, but got up and held his hands out to you. 

You took them hesitantly. His thumbs almost immediately started to soothe across the back of your hands to help relax you. 

“Word has gotten around that Poppy is planning to show up. We haven’t exactly been quiet about our relationship, but I didn’t think she’d pull something like this.” And your stomach churned uncomfortably. 

“We’re still going. Ashton promised free drinks and we’ll be in the VIP area right?” You checked and Calum nodded.

“Ashton has already told the bouncers that she’s not allowed near the VIP section. They’re checking and rechecking the lists to make sure she isn’t on one of them.” He explained and you let out a breath of air. 

“Okay. It’ll be fine. It’s being handled and I’ve got you. Now which outfit do you think I should wear?” He studied your face for a second before a smile broke across his lips. 

“The dark purple with the deep plunge. Is it wrong of me to flaunt in her face what she lost?” And you laughed as you kissed him. 

“I mean, yes. But I also know that you want to show me off properly now that we’ve got things really settled.” You murmured and he grinned back unabashedly. 

It was still an uphill battle, but he’d given you a lot to think about. And after gentle convincing, you’d found an LGBT friendly therapist who helped you process your thoughts. It helped you come to terms with accepting the toxic relationship that you’d been in but also it highlighted how beneficial Calum had been as a friend and confidant. 

It also gave you the courage to ask Calum out officially, wanting to be with him entirely and not just in the evenings. 

He took that in his stride and things shifted once more between the two of you. When you opened up to him about some of your sessions, you knew that your trust had been well placed because he never indicated anything to his friends and so you were never subjected to pitying stares or glares. 

You were almost sure that you’d fall in love with him faster than you fell for Poppy. 

The drive to Luke’s was filled with your nerves. You hadn’t seen Luke in years and you were also meeting his two other friends, Ashton and Michael as well as their partners. 

“Ashton’s excited to finally meet you and stop telling me to be careful when I go to yours.” 

Despite Calum living with Ashton, your schedules never seemed to match and more often than not, Calum could be found at your place, a small sanctuary from your hectic lives. 

Ashton never begrudged that time you shared together, but Calum had mentioned a few times about how snappy he was being on the subject. 

“He’ll chill when he realises I’m not out to break your heart or steal something.” You muttered with a chuckle. Calum snorted in return as he pulled into Luke’s driveway. 

Your nerves return full force as he pulls you to the front door and steps in like he lives there. 

“Hey fuckers, anyone about?” He called through and was met with calls of confirmation, another yell following that they were in the dining room. Your fingers squeezed Calum’s tightly and he didn’t hesitate to return it, his thumb soothing across the skin on the back of your hand.

“Look who it is!” A voice crowed loudly as he stepped into the dining room, followed by loud calls of greetings. 

There was a flurry of introductions and you felt like the spotlight was being shone on you, under scrutiny from his best friends gazes once they had greeted their friend and Calum had introduced you. Or re-introduced you in Luke’s case.

“Well c’mon, the last time I saw you we were leaving school. What’s been happening to you?” Luke finally asked, indicating to the seat next to him. A small smile graced your lips as you sat down, Calum falling into the seat next to you as you shrugged. 

“Life I guess? It’s been definitely more interesting with the different jobs and moving about. Building up a social life again.” Luke’s face filled with a frown at that. 

Michael came in next. 

“Building up a social life? Did you not have one?” His words held an innocent curiosity, yet you felt yourself hesitate. 

“My ex was controlling to the point that I couldn’t do anything without their permission. They managed to make me believe that no one really wanted me around and I lost touch with old friends, like Luke.” You glanced to the side and he was frowning. 

The others held varying degrees of stunned shock or disapproval. 

“Well then he was a cunt.” Michael muttered and your eyes refused to meet theirs at the assumptions. Luke stayed quiet but his hand rested on your knee, squeezing it. You shot him a gentle smile in return.

“Well it’ll be good to have you back in our lives. Especially with these two knuckleheads.” He nodded at Ashton and Michael who immediately protested and you laughed. 

It felt like you’d known them for years as you all had a few shots. Ashton, despite being the owner of the bar, wasn’t worried about turning up with his friends. He’d already explained to his staff that he’d be around for the rest of the night once he arrived and he’d told the small groups he’d be here and there. 

After a handful of shots, the group of you made your way to the bar, your arm linked with Calum’s. There were separate conversations happening between you all, their girlfriends including you on their pamper night whilst the boys discussed a possible games night for all of you. 

When you arrived at the club, you saw the queue of people waiting to get in and the subsequent groans from the line as the bouncer let you in, no questions asked. 

Ashton guided the group of you to the VIP section and the music was still loud but you could still hear each other talking. You were chatting away with Luke’s girlfriend, arm still linked with Calum’s as Ashton disappeared to get drinks. 

Calum pulled your attention away briefly, his lips by your ear. 

“I’ve spotted her. She’s not seen us yet so don’t worry.” You barely nodded, acknowledging his words as you listened in, fighting to keep your nerves down. 

The night continued and you were all a few drinks deep. Calum’s arm had barely left your waist all night as you talked and danced and drank. You’d been welcomed into his group of friends with an ease you never realised existed. 

You’d deliberately not tried to seek out Poppy, silently praying that the universe would comply. But as the group of you stood out in the smokers area, huddled together under a heating lamp, your stomach sank as she stepped out, her eyes narrowing on you. 

“Fuckin’ knew it!” You could feel the alarm in your face as you stepped back into Calum, his arm going around you protectively. 

“Poppy, you’re drunk.” You felt curious gazes from your new friends, but you didn’t spare them a glance.

“You break up with me and go running to his arms, I knew you weren’t a fuckin lesbian. Pretending to try it out? Just another straight girl seeking attention. Fucking freak.” She snapped and your stomach sank. 

“Get it through your thick head that she’s bisexual.” Calum snapped in your defence, earning a glare from Poppy. But Calum didn’t shrink from the glare, your glance to his face confirmed he was giving her his own. You were mildly impressed that she didn’t back down instantly. 

“She’s a fuckin liar! Years of my life wasted on this bitch.” She spat at your feet and you took in a deep breath. 

“You don’t get to control me anymore, Poppy. I’ve liked both men and women, but you never liked that because it meant that I had more chances of leaving you. And I wished I’d have left you sooner. Calum certainly thought so.” 

“Of course you fucked the first man to pay you any attention.” Your heart sank once more at her declaration and you felt your mind fall into the old trap that you’d fought with for so long. 

“No she never. In fact she slept with a few girls long before she slept with me. But I was her best friend as she tried to deal with the mess you created in her mind.” Calum snapped back. You felt your heart swell for him. 

Poppy stepped forward, her hand raised but then Ashton stepped in front of you. 

“Get out. You’re no longer welcome in this bar.” He made a gesture and security slowly made their way over. 

“She shouldn’t be fucking welcome!” Poppy yelled back, but Ashton held firm. 

“She is my friend. You are not. Get. Out.” When the bouncer rested a hand on her arm, she shrugged it off and stormed away. Your entire body was trembling.

“So that was the ex, huh?” Michael commented and you could feel your hands trembling as you nodded. “Why didn’t you correct me?” Calum spoke up for you as his hands took yours. 

“It’s been a battle for her. Poppy had convinced her she was a lesbian, that she was wrong for having any attraction to men. In Poppy’s world, either your gay, lesbian or straight. Being bisexual isn’t acceptable in her eyes.” Calum’s arms wrapped around you and you stood there, holding onto him for dear life. 

“Well that makes two of us then.” Michael’s casual comment had your knees go weak and you let out a weak laugh. 

“Thank you Ash.” You finally murmured when you pulled away from Calum. Ashton didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you in a warm hug that was both comforting and reassuring. 

“Hey, you’ve been the best thing for my best mate. And you were friends with Luke once before. I’ve definitely got your back. And I get why you didn’t say anything and don’t hold that against you.” He muttered and you breathed a sigh of relief before returning to Calum’s embrace. 

“More drinks or are we gonna go back to Luke’s?” And you shook your head. 

“Let’s stay. I’m not gonna let her ruin it,” you leaned forwards so your lips were by his ear as the others went inside, “also I want to see if we can christen the bar in one of the toilets.” You breathed. Calum groaned as his grip around you got tighter and he pulled you in for a kiss that promised more. 

“Oh you’re so fucked sweetheart. Especially since I know where the individual lips are and they aren’t attended by anyone.” You held back a moan at that thought before pulling away, your hand in his. 

“Dance first?” And the innocence in your tone made him laugh as he followed behind you willingly. 

“Menace.” The term was laced with affection as he caught up to you, kissing the spot just below your ear. 

You simply grinned in return as you pulled him onto the dance floor, Poppy long forgotten as he danced with you. 

-

@sexgodashton, @goth5sos, @calumsmermaid, @empathycth, @wildflowergrae, @calpops, @rosecolouredash, @cal-puddies, @clockwork124, @loveroflrh, @stellar5sosrecs, @ashtoniwir, @cthla, @liketheydidwithyou, @sc0ttish-wildfl0wer​, @bluehairedtracii, @drummerboy794, @feliznavidaddycal, @i-calumhood, @wokeupinjapanisabop, @converse-luke, @madbomb, @ccnicole02, @youngblood199456, @aulxna, @megz1985, @lukesidentitycrisis, @snapback-irwie, @neonweeknds, @666yourwitchyfriend666, @gamerboymike, @cashtonasfuck, @ashtaway, @conquerwhatliesahead92, @itjustkindahappenedreally, @twoamhood, @kchillout, @damselindistressanu, @colormekaykay, @findingliam-o, @sublimehood, @sugarcoated-pain, @singt0mecalum, @singledadharrington​, @calumspeachy​, @colourfulcalum​, @lostincalum​, @burncrashbromance​, @asht0ns-world​, @a-mnd, @flusteredcliffo​, @loti18​, @ixcantxdecidexwhosxmyxfave​, @clumclum-hood​, @fangirl-everythang​, @lashtondaddies​, @calumssunshine​, @ambskiwi​, @abundant-stars​, @caltattoohood, @seedless-vascular, @myescapefromthislife​, @lmao5sosimagines​, @beyoncesdragon​, @jae-writes-fanfiction​, @cxddlyash​, @tresfandom​, @utterly-u-n-p-e-r-f-e-c-t​, @niallisworld​, @lietomevalntyn​, @babylon-corgis​, @monochrome44​, @behind-my-hazeleyes27​, @ghost0fy0u​, @lyllibug​, @bloodmoonashton​, @balsamic-cal, @calumsbaldhead​, @washedout-ky, @calumssunshinee​, @ghostofmashton​, @summerellaz​, @a-little-less-sixteen​, @cashworthy​, @smokeinherlungs​, @longlastingdaydream​, @h0tsos​, @sweetcherrymike​, @5sosnsfw​, @sugar-nico​, @sunnysideblog, @angel-cal​, @samros95​, @maluminspace​, @lukeinblue​, @cakesunflower​, @allamerican-betch​,  @britnicole11​, @gigglyirwin​, @everyscarisahealingplace, @loverofcashton​, @iovehemmings​, @g-l-pierce​, @jannimoeller3​, @wildmichaelflower​, @lukeskisses​, @5sossstan​, @youngbloodchild​, @alloutofcashton​, @tobefalling​, @abb-lan-5sos​, @calumsbub​, @flameraine​, @here-for-the-uproars​, @mateisit-balsamic​, @ilovelukey​, @sarahshepherdblog​

[thanatasia]

Cha'l!- [1, 5, 7, 9, 11, 14, 15, 16, 20, 32, 37, 38, 48, 58, 59, 61, 63, 65, 66, 70, 72, 74, 81, 85, 93, 95, 98]

Fleur!- [1, 3, 4, 7, 11, 12, 13, 14, 16, 20, 29, 32, 37, 48, 58, 59, 61, 63, 65, 66, 70, 72, 74, 81, 84, 85, 93, 95, 98]

Azra!-  [2, 7, 14, 15, 17, 18, 20, 47, 65, 66, 67, 69, 70, 84, 94, 95, 99]

Kiel!- [7, 14, 47, 65, 66, 67, 68, 70, 84, 94, 95, 99]

Sorry not sorry!

Behold! The master list of questions lol. I’m sorry this took so long to answer! I kept rewriting it a lot lol

Thank you @jack-toons these were very insightful questions about them and I had so much fun answering them all!

I meant to share the names of Cha’l and Fleur’s special someone’s in a shipping post but I can’t help it lol

For everyone who doesn’t know Cha’l’s girlfriend is named Shiyoon and Fleur’s boyfriend is named Razer. Both belong to @jack-toons / @myfanartblogplusshippingtrash and you can see what they look like!

1. What do they smell like?

Cha’l smells like fresh pines and sometimes like a bakery lol

Fleur smells like freesia flowers!

2. What is their voice like?

Azra’s speaks with an Irish accent and her tone and mannerisms are similar to Konata Izumi from “Lucky Star”

3. What is their biggest motivator?

Fleur’s biggest motivator is her desire to see things she has never seen before so she can tell exciting stories to her friends and family.

4. What is their most embarrassing memory?

Fleur’s most embarrassing memory was when Cha’l caught her learning to read and write. She spent a lot of her child and early teenling years avoiding it and when Cha’l snuck up behind her practicing, she threw a pillow at him on embarrassed reflexes.

5. How do they deal/react to pain?

Cha’l reacts to physical pain in two ways; for a injury received in battle no matter how deep, he would brush it off. For anything dislocated or broken he would scream.

Cha’l reacts to emotional pain by sulking for a while, not eating and staying quiet. If it was something truly horrible, he would hold it in his mind for a while until he is able to truly get over it.

9. Describe the way they sleep?

When Cha’l is sleeping alone he tends to sleep like a log and on his side a lot. He also sleeps shirtless. When he’s sleeping with his girlfriend Shiyoon, he likes to cuddle in his sleep.

11. What do they feel the most insecure about?

Cha’l: his singing ability, he’s the only one with a meh voice. What others think of him. If he’s being to paranoid.

Fleur: when she was a childling she was insecure about her skin since it drew so much attention to her (she’s outgrown it though) Failure. Asking for large quantities of food

12. How do they like to dress?

Fleur likes to dress up a lot in pants and shorts. If she can run in it she will wear it. She wears dresses and skirts on days where she wants to relax and on special occasions like going on special dates and visiting family. Most of her voice tops are form fitting with a modest v-neck.

13. How do they react to feelings of guilt?

When Fleur feels guilty about making someone close to her sad/upset she becomes slightly anxious and overthinks if she should have done something differently. If they’re nearby she would quietly sit beside them and apologize in a very gentle tone. If she had wronged someone, she might feel too ashamed to look at them for a while.

14. How do they react/deal with betrayal?

Cha’l gets angry and will raise his voice, not screaming just projecting his voice, and ask them why they thought it was better to betray him.

Fleur get very angry and will slap the Gelfling who betrayed her trust, then walk away before she really hurts someone. The last time she had been betrayed she gave the Gelf responsible a piece of her mind. She may not be a sailor, but she sure does have a sailor’s mouth when she’s angry.

Azra will start plotting her next curse. NO ONE BETRAYS HER and gets away with it.

Kiel will smile in their face as his mind starts to think of how he can exact his revenge. He’ll make whoever betrayed him feel like they’re off the hook before he counterattacks.

15. What is their greatest achievement?

Cha’l’s greatest achievement is surprising his girlfriend with the biggest most well planned out surprise. He’s really proud for having kept the secret for so long and not looking for advice from anyone who would spill the beans!

Azra’s greatest achievement was when she successfully cursed a Gelfling with uncontrollable vomiting for 3 days because they disrespected her Grandparents

16. What are they like when they’ve had too little sleep?

Cha’l is a zombie as he aimlessly does his tasks and reacting very slowly to jokes.

Fleur gets grouchy and light headed. Feed her if you want to live!

17. What are they like when they get drunk?

Azra rarely drinks but when she does she becomes a “philosophical” drunk lol

18. What kind of music do they enjoy?

Azra enjoys listening to the sounds of terrified screams of terror because of her doing. Her actual favorite music is anything with a flute with crashing waves in the background.

20. Fears?

Cha’l fears losing those he loves without saying goodbye. He’s also afraid of Rakkida and tales of the Hunter. He also has a thing about black beady eyes, they creep him out. The beady black eyes of the Moog and Swoothu look into his soul and he can’t get past it fully.

Fleur’s biggest fear is dying alone; dying on a solo adventure or bounty. She’s also terrified of water that goes above her waist; something grabbed at her in the Black River and it scared her of deep water ever since.

Azra’s biggest fear is crowded places. It’s one of the reasons she prefers to not travel on big Sifan ships. She begins to hyperventilate because if something terrible were to happen and a stampede occurred, she would easily get crushed to death. She’s also afraid of Pluff’M, her grandmother had one when she was little and it nipped her finger; Pluff’M don’t have sharp teeth but getting bit by it really turned her off from them. Only one Gelfling knows that fear and it’s her best friend, Shiyoon.

29. Are they a morning person?

Fleur is definitely a morning person! Most of her bounty hunts require her to wake up early, especially when she’s sleeping in the wild. The only time she isn’t a morning person is if she’s partied it up too much and has a hangover lol.

32. Pet peeves?

Cha’l- loud chewing, not getting a word in during a conversation, and open mouth chewing

Fleur- Not saying thank you, burping, getting cut off in telling a story and needing to repeat herself more than twice.

37. When was the last time they cried?

Cha’l’s last cry was when he was watching the fireworks with Shiyoon. (I headcanon fireworks or some form of fireworks exist in Thra lol)

Fleur’s last cry was when she came back from a mission to find a missing Gelfling. Sadly, on the way back they were surrounded by a pack of Rakkida and Fleur wasn’t able to protect them. It was something she beat herself up about, especially when she had tell the news to the family.

38. Were they with anyone when they cried?

Cha’l was with Shiyoon and he was telling her that he loves her for the first time. The moment was beautiful and he couldn’t contain his tears.

Fleur was with Viara and Razer when she opened up about it. It was one of the few times she allowed anyone to see her ugly cry.

47. Are they romantically interested in someone?

Azra will be adamant on her heart being too black for romance...for now

Kiel is not romantically interested in anyone at the moment but I picture someone catching his eye soon.

48. Are they dating/married to anyone?

YES! Cha’l is dating his soulmate, Shiyoon. They are OTP!

YES! Fleur is also dating her Sifa sailor, Razer. They are also OTP!

I LOVE BOTH OF THESE SHIPS! They are adorable and the way they interact with each other is just too cute!!! They will be posted on my page and it will be glorious!

61. When bored what do they do?

Cha’l- dancing, plotting his next prank/surprise, swimming, playing card games with his girlfriend, and making wood carvings.

Fleur- climbing trees, singing, if she’s with her boyfriend she enjoys teasing him, dancing, drinking and doing her and anyone she’s close to hair.

63. Do they have an accent?

Both Cha’l and Fleur have an English accent with a very faint Italian or Spanish accent. There are certain words they’ll say that makes that Italian or Spanish accent stronger because they’ve heard their father, Bhihaar, pronounce it that way.

65. If they knew they were going to die what would they do/say? (aka how sad can I make this?)

Cha’l- If it was life and death and the only way to secure the safety of others was to sacrifice himself, he would. This would be an emotional scene and right before he charges to face death (with his girlfriend of course) his final words to his companions would be something like; “See you around.” As he and Shiyoon take their lasts breathes, his final words would be of how happy and loved, Shiyoon made him feel. If it was more of a slow natural death, Cha’l would go to his favorite spot with everyone he is close to and reminisce. Afterwards he would spend alone time with Shiyoon.

Fleur- If it was a fatal wound she was dealt she would want to have her final moments to be with her loved ones underneath a tree full of flowers and give an emotional speech to everyone present. If her boyfriend, Razer, is there she would give him a final tender kiss and say how much she loves him as apologize for all the things they couldn’t do, she’d definitely call him by one of the nicknames she gave him. Before her body goes limp, Fleur would give Razer one of her hair accessories and say he can return it when Thra reunites them. If it was a slow death by infection, she would try to do everything she had wanted to do and can still do. She’d be even more affectionate than she already is because knowing she’ll be passing soon would make the hugs and kisses all the more bittersweet.

Azra- If it was an untimely death during the Garthim Wars, Azra would make a snarky comment about the Garthim and the Skeksis, probably trying to recite a curse on them as well. She’d be sure to say her piece with her friends, especially her best friend, Shiyoon. Although she knows she’s dying, she would have a smile on her face because she knows she’s be reunited with her parents. If it was an ongoing internal issue, she would spend the day prior spending time with those she loves, she wouldn’t tell anyone about her death because she doesn’t want their last memory of her to be her still face. She would send a Swoothu to send them a message about her passing.

Kiel- If it was a death in the result of the Garthim War, Kiel would probably try playing the hero to help protect everyone, as a way of presenting himself as not just the silly prankster but as someone who stood up for what was right. He would be the most serious he’s ever been, talking about a lot of sentimental things about those around him. Right before he takes his last breath, he tells one last joke, his best joke. If it was a death caused by an ongoing health problem, Kiel would admit to all the wrong doings he’d done in the past to all of his crewmates and close friends. He would try to keep his energetic nature up and perhaps do one last prank on his rival.

66. How do they feel about sex?

Cha’l enjoys sex and only engages in it with his serious relationships. Promiscuous sex want never his cup of tea but he doesn’t go around condemning anyone who does have promiscuous sex. He views sex as a sacred activity that strengthens the physical and spiritual bond because he loves the deep connection. He and his girlfriend, Shiyoon want to have childlings one day (not too soon though) and he’s excited for trial and error.

Fleur shares a similar view as Cha’l. To many Gelfling she seems like someone who’s had lots of sex but, she has been saving herself for Mr. Right or someone she wouldn’t mind saying; “I’m glad my first was with him”, whichever came first at the time. She frequents a lot of Taverns and many guys she meets just want a fun night. When she does start having sex, she really enjoys it for the pleasure, the closeness and vulnerability she and her boyfriend, Razer share.

Azra has had sex but she doesn’t go around looking to bed someone. She doesn’t see the big deal about it but only takes part in it if her partner is a sexual Gelfling and they’ve been going steady for a while.

Kiel enjoys having sex and in the beginning it was a way for him to feel grown up, as many Gelfling in his teenling years saw him as too childlike; mostly because of his actions. When he became an adult his view and reasoning changed, it’s an activity he indulges in from time to time. When he finds a partner he enjoys everything about it.

67. What is their sexuality?

Azra is panromantic asexual.

Kiel is bisexual.

68. Do they become squeamish at the sight of blood?

Yes! Kiel gets terrified because as a childling he had gotten into an accident that ended up cutting his leg pretty bad. The blood spilling out along with his panicking really scared him. It didn’t help that his father made a joke about all the blood lol

69. Is there anything they find really gross?

Azra- jokingly public displays of affection or anything super sweet.

Kiel- Eyeballs!

70. Which Tv Trope(s) best describe them?

Cha’l- supreme chef, moderately masculine, big brother instinct

Fleur- action girl, tsundere, hard drinking party girl

Azra- goth girls know magic, creepy loner girl, preppy goth

Kiel- the trickster, troll, bishōnen

72. Are they allergic to anything?

Cha’l- honey and dust.

Fleur- really bad pickup lines.

Azra- pollen.

74. Are they quick to anger? What are they like when they’re angry?

Cha’l is quick to anger if someone is messing around with his loved ones. His voice is harsher and he wouldn’t be afraid to take part in a fight.

Fleur has a bit of a temper and it’s usually related to Gelfling being prejudice. She’ll be sure to have them repeat something offensive they said to her face and if she’s fired up she’ll yell or out of reflexes punch them. Aside from that she’s pretty mellow.

81. Do they try to hide their emotions? Are they good at it?

Cha’l is not good at hiding his emotions. Whatever he’s feeling can be read on his face easily. He gets teased a lot by Kiel and Shiyoon about it. He doesn’t try hiding his emotions unless he’s in public and feels like he’ll turn beet red.

Fleur- after her previous heartbreaks Fleur chose to hide and push down any romantic feelings she could get to protect her heart. She was pretty good at it but when she was alone she would cry at times. When she does start to feel warm and fuzzy, it comes off VERY tsundere (without the excessive hitting) in the beginning. If something is bothering her, Fleur will keep it to herself, she’s gotten good at hiding certain things unless someone persists her long enough.

84. What are some physical features that they find attractive on people?

Fleur- tattoos, a charming smile, striking eyes (it’s not eye color but more of a look; if they pierce through her soul the better), abs, and defined arms (they don’t need to be gigantic, just toned enough to see some muscle. It’s *chef’s kiss* perfect lol)

Azra- Dreadlocks/locs, freckles, tough hands, green eyes and scars (especially on the face)

Kiel- dark hair paired with light eyes, muscles, tall, facial hair, long silky hair, and doe eyes.

85. What personalities do they find attractive?

Cha’l- fearless, adventurous, optimistic, carefree, and imaginative

Fleur- confident, persistent, adventurous, mysterious, charming and *cough cough* bad boy/rebellious *cough cough*

93. What things anger them?

Cha’l- selfishness, disrespectful Gelfling, Gelfling who talk bad/dirty/ill of his siblings or girlfriend (he’s a very overprotective brother and if anyone talks bad about his girlfriend, Shiyoon...hold him back!)

Fleur- liars, cheats, rude/prejudice Gelfling , selfishness, (not particularly angers her but, when her loved ones doubt themselves too much)

95. What makes them sad/depressed?

Cha’l: untimely death, feeling of not being good enough, and not belonging

Fleur: heartbreak, getting into arguments, feeling like she will never leave her mark and being forgotten.

Azra: illness (she lost her parents and the thought of losing her grandparents depresses her) and winter (that’s the season she lost her parents)

Kiel: death, being seen as a burden, and being misunderstood

98. Something they regret?

Cha’l: never having a conversation with the family of his first love on why mixed-clan Gelfling were a bad thing. This is just something he wanted to get closure on but never did.

Fleur: giving her first kiss to a Castle Guard who viewed her as a side piece. The sentiment of sharing her very first kiss is gone. She regrets the whole thing because her brother warned her but she was too stubborn to listen. Although she regrets it she does see the silver lining; she became a much better kisser after it.

99. Biggest accomplishment?

Azra: being able to get two gigantic centipede-esque insects to love her like furry pets!

Kiel: being able to successfully cheat at a game of cards against his Captain. The reward he won was worth the anxiety of not getting caught.

[riversonfire]

biggest to smallest crybaby in btob?

Ah, sorry for taking a while to answer, anon! I've buried my head in trying to get a project done so I haven't paid much attention to tumblr :P anyway, this is a fairly easy question- in order of biggest → smallest:

Sungjae - he puts up a good act as a 6 ft tall adult but he's honestly a soft baby at heart. He's cried at almost all of their concerts (hello melody, our concert, this is us) and when he does, he really let's it all out and actually sobs 😭 even at his first solo fanmeeting too. I remember him mentioning how he cried so much when watching peniel's appearance on hello counselor. though he doesn't show it in an overt way, he's very appreciative of the love he receives ❤️

Eunkwang - smol soft leader who smiles even as he cries :') I'm pretty sure he cried every time sungjae did lol. he's definitely on the more sensitive side 💙

Minhyuk - like eunkwang, he has a big heart and isn't ashamed to cry. I think the first time we saw him shed tears was on the last ep of b+ diary, not only while watching the message his mom left him but what all the moms had to say to their sons 🥺 (you have no soul if you watch that ep without crying too)

Changsub - what stands out to me is ofc him breaking down while singing at the end during their this is us concert and then denying it the next day during their last 7tob vlive before enlistments started lol.

Hyunsik - he's the tough guy who almost never cries but he does~ only when he's overwhelmed by emotion though. during his solo concert, he couldn't get through singing someday without getting choked up and teary (then tried to deny it afterwards too lol)

Ilhoon - literally the first and only time I I've seen this boy cry was during the last ment of their this is us concert (where everyone and their mother cried their eyes out but still).

Peniel - someone please correct me if I'm wrong but have we ever seen him cry? I recall him saying he was about to during their last concert but his tear went back in lmao. he probably did, we just didn't see it but still, he's definitely the least likely to cry.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #252

my personal laptop has to be fixed, so therefore i don’t have games to play, so expect plenty of these to pass the time lmao.

Have you ever said something just to see what kind of reaction you’d get? No, not that I remember. Have you ever confronted someone about using too much chat-speak? ??? No??? Have you ever revealed someone’s secret, after promising not to tell? No. Secrets are one thing I'm very serious about respecting. What is one emotion that you experience regularly? STRESS, MOTHERFUCKER. Describe the last major change you made concerning your hairstyle? Lopped it all off, lmao. It's been like, two years now though. Who was the last person to walk out of your life, and why? It feels like my friend Alex. She's kinda just... left me hanging for months. I think she's active online, but not with me, despite reaching out. She's also deleted her b.net account or just removed me from her friends list, idk. Absolutely nothing seems like it would've prompted that, though. Are you less likely to approach people that look/dress a certain way? I was going to say no, but the last person's answer inspired mine to yes; like, I'm not going to go talk to people with some crazy or offensive shit on their shirts, nor am I going to just go walk up to someone covered in blood. Name one embarrassing activity that you take part in? I don't know. Like I say enough I'm VERY self-conscious of revealing I RP, but only because I'm sensitive to how the person will respond. I'm in no way like, ashamed I do it. I'm just terrified of judgment over something "unusual." Ever been told that you can’t understand love due to your age? Not that I remember. I only claimed to "get it" (to my recollection) at a point in mine and Jason's relationship, and I very legitimately would've guffawed at and honestly nearly slapped you if you claimed I "didn't understand" love. What is your favorite Starburst candy flavor? THE PINK ONES. Do you think that you act like yourself while online? I act more like myself online. Have you ever lied about something to get someone to like you? No. Who is the fakest person in your life right now? I don't keep those people in my life. Have you ever laid down in the grass, and made shapes out of the clouds? As a kiddo. When someone’s constantly negative, how do you deal with it? It depends on the person, but ALMOST in all cases, I really really try to support the person as best I can. It may start to bring me a bit down, but I feel I'm just like... hardwired to help those I love. I think it's what my relationship with Jason did, as he left because he couldn't handle my depression anymore, and with how that absolutely and utterly annihilated me, I don't want anyone else to feel that pain. Now, for people I don't have much of a bond with, it's easier for me to say "I'm sorry, but I can't handle this right now," but even then, I prefer to help. Does Christmas make you feel like a kid again? No. I'm really most excited for aunt reasons, lol. Do you have any artistic talent? Some. Would you ever shoplift from a store if you knew you wouldn’t be caught? Absolutely not. When one of your pets dies, how do you react? Usually cry. I've only ever not done so if I hadn't at all formed a bond with the animal. When you go to the movies, where in the theater do you sit? Close to the front, in the middle. When was the last time you lost your appetite? I don’t know. Have you ever neglected to take care of yourself? Er. Quite badly during '16, in the depth of my depression. I'll just say my teeth are kinda yellow because of it. I want to whiten my teeth at some point if I can afford that kind of luxury. The last song/poem/story you wrote - what was it about? In RP, the most recent section being written now is my main protagonists receiving a visit from their allies before getting their asses torn up the next day lmao. After a fight, who apologizes first - you, or the other person? Usually me, but it does depend. If I genuinely feel I didn't do jackshit wrong, no, I'm not apologizing. When you’re feeling creative, what do you do? Write. Do you mind being in your house alone overnight? Not really by now. Done so a number of times. Are there any dreams you remember from childhood? Nightmares, yes, and one very realistic dream. What worries you most about death? Not knowing what happens afterwards. Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970s or earlier? I love The Munsters, I Love Lucy, The Beverly Hillbillies, and The Addams Family. I'm sure there's more, considering I liked to watch stuff with my mom as a kid. Who’s your celebrity crush(es)? HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Ever been to a rave? No. Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? I don't really do that. Like I'll vent about people occasionally, but "talk shit" seems like the wrong word. I don't like gossiping. Are you a jealous person? Envious, rather, sometimes. I get VERY envious when it comes to photography, but otherwise, I don't feel it much. Who do you text the most out of your friends? Sara is like the only friend I text, lol. What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public?
 Honestly, call an authority. I don't fuck with that. I'm not watching it happen. How often do you play video games? What are some of your favourites?
 I played World of Warcraft daily until my laptop took a shit. Need to get that fixed. Now I play actual video games very rarely... but mostly just because you can only replay the same ole game so many times before you've had enough of it for like a year. There are a great number of new games I want to play, though. I want a PS4 soooo badly. What are a few things that get on your nerves when it comes to Facebook (or your social networking site of choice)?
 More than anything, posting something that's crying for attention only for the person to be like "ugh I don't wanna talk about it." Then don't fucking post it. What are three things you’ve started to like lately? I feel like I haven't found new interests in a long time... Wait! I do feel The Handmaid's Tale and the Wings of Fire book Sara lent me have revived my love of reading! :') I want to go to the book store when I can and get both the new sequel to THT and the next WoF book. What was the last reason for having butterflies in your stomach?
 *shrug* Do you need a lot of space in relationships, or are you happy to spend a lot of time with your SO?
 I need SOME alone time, but for the most part I love being together. Once we're really close, anyway. What was the last thing you cooked from scratch? Scrambled eggs. Have you ever won anything from those games in arcades?
 Yeah. Funny story, there was this one time my sister won a stuffed duck from a claw machine, and it was the one I wanted after trying many times, and I cried so hard that one of the employees literally got one out for me lmfao. I probably still have it in the attic. When was the last time you went out to a fair?
 Not since right before the breakup. How far is the nearest zoo or wildlife park from your house? Do you go often?
 Like, two hours. We almost never go because of the distance. Are either one of your parents retired? If not, what do they do for a living?
 No. My dad's been a mailman all my life, and Mom is currently on disability because she has cancer and obviously can't work because of chemotherapy and all that. She was a pharmacy tech, though. If you could change one physical trait about yourself, what would it be?
 Can all this weight like vanish please. Have you ever gone out with someone you didn’t like?
 ????? Why would I do that???? Well, I didn't yet like-like Tyler because we hadn't been reunited as friends long enough; dating was kinda like... a dumb way to re-get to know each other? Thank fuck that was only two weeks. Would you ever take a bullet for your significant other? I'm single. Would you ever work at a fast food restaurant?
 No. History shows I can't work with people. Are you good at haunted houses, or do you scream your head off?
 AHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! If you’ve seen it, what did you think of the Twilight movie?
 I never watched them. Have you ever gotten your tongue stuck on a frozen pole?
 No. Are you a cat or a dog person?
 Cat. Does the movie Titanic make you cry?
 Ha ha, yes. I watched it on movie day while at the psych hospital and all of us were lil bitches almost sobbing, lol. Because it's a long movie, it went past our allotted time, but the nurses decided to let us finish it because we were so into it. I do have some good memories from those times... Do you think that fat people should wear skinny jeans? I think people can wear whatever the fuck they want without fear of judgment. Do you prefer game systems like Xbox, or older ones like Super Nintendo? The former. Do you enjoy indie music? Yep! What is the most strange piercing you’ve ever seen? Those ones people were getting on their fingers instead of rings... just huh. What do you do when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store? Look around, I guess. Think. What is your favourite beach to go to? I haven't been to enough to know. Have you ever been to a country club? No. Have you ever seen an animal die in real life? Too many times. Animals have been euthanized in my arms, and a kitten slowly died in my hands once. One of the most heartbreaking things I have ever experienced. Teddy accidentally punctured its lungs or broke ribs, I think, or something like that. I'm pretty sure he was trying to bring it back to its siblings because it wandered off, but he held it too tightly. I was home alone, too. It was fucking awful. Do you live on a Rd, St, Blvd, Ln, Way, or Ave? Road. Do you have naked pictures of someone saved on your phone? No. Would you ever go see an opera? Bitch I played Parasite Eve, I don't trust that shit. But seriously, no, not my scene. Do you own anything John Deere? No. Do you have a push mower or a mower that you ride on? Neither. A friend mows for us; he has the latter. What is the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic for? No clue. I think during a trip to New York. Would you consider joining the air force, army, etc? No. Who was your first crush and what made them special? This kid named Dylan. I thought he was super cute and cool. What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? I dunno. Who did you idolize growing up? Steve Irwin. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? No. Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? No. What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? Best: English. Worst: math. Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. Writing poetry. Drawing. Do you like to get your nails done? No. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT. Do you like to wear dresses? Hell no with my current body. Do you like any ‘manly’ activities like hunting, fishing, or camping? I find fishing to be fun and relaxing, but because of morals, I can't stomach doing it anymore. What was the name of your first boyfriend? First with the title, Aaron. First *real* boyfriend, Jason. Your first kiss? Jason. Are you still with either of those people from the last 2 questions? No. Have you ever used your bra to hold things like you would a pocket? Ha ha no. I think. What is your longest relationship to date? Three years, 7-8 months. I don't remember if the breakup was in August or September. Who ended the last relationship you were in? It was kinda like... mutual-ish, but moreso her. Have you ever gotten back with an ex? No. Who was your first prom date? Jason. Do you cry during romantic movies? Sometimes. Who was the last person to see you cry? Mom. Have you ever been used? I don't think so romantically, but in other ways, I know I have been. Have you ever felt violated? Yes. Do you like when a guy takes you by surprise and kisses you? Not everyone likes guys, so what an assumption. But anyway, only if we're very serious and have heavy trust in one another. Do you ever leave the house without makeup? Pretty much always. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Been a few years. What kind of gift can win you over? BITCH buy me something Mark-related and you earn like 20 points. Has anyone ever sung to you? Yes. Do you like massages? Depends on who you are. In almost any case, no. They're awkward. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. Do you sleep naked? No. Is smoking a turn-off? Yes. Is there a certain tv show you get upset if you miss? No. When was the last time you spent the night at someone else’s house? When I was at Sara's a year or so back. What is one food you always crave? Ice cream. Are you an exercise freak? Hunny- What scares you more, spiders or snakes? Snakes don't scare me, so spooders. Do you expect to be married in the next two years? No. Would you ever get implants? Nah. Have you ever had a crush on a sibling’s friend? No. Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s sibling? No. Are you more of a 'girly girl’ or a 'tomboy’? A tomboy. Have you ever dated someone with a child? No. Are you addicted to texting? No.

[introvert-celeste]

How about Jasper and Lapis meeting up and apologizing to each other about what happened during malachite? And everything else before and after that.. (I LOVE YOU AND YOUR WRITING!)

Omg thank you!!

Sorry for the late response, I’ve been going through writer’s block, but I really liked your prompt and have pretty much been trying to write for it since I got it lol. I don’t care for Lapis that much, but I love writing about her and Jasper and their feelings and how they can relate to each other and klkjlhgkalfklakl I just want them to talk and find closure!

I just finished it listening to this song on repeat.

“Fragile soundThe world outside just watches as we crawlCrawl towards a life of fragile linesAnd wasted time”

“Jasper…” Lapis groaned, her water wings struggling to beatagainst the oppressive heat of the sun as she regarded the carnage below.Reluctantly, she drifted downwards for a closer look, knowing that once shetouched down, her wings would evaporate and she would be left virtuallypowerless.

It was almost comforting, having that temptation taken fromher in Jasper’s own element.

Twisted metal and crystalline glass littered the floor ofBeta as far as the eye could see, the injectors red, gooey contents spillingout onto the sand. The cliffs that they once occupied were marred with deepgouge marks, as if they had been dragged down violently, but the surroundingexit holes were miraculously unscathed. The whole scene was eerily still andsilent, qualities that one would find anyway in an abandoned kindergarten, andright at the center of this carnage was the gem responsible.

Jasper was in the process of mutilating another injector,ripping it apart piece-by-piece, huffing and growling with such ferocity thatit made Lapis wonder whether she had been healed completely or not. Steven,however, assured her that she’d been uncorrupted just as the others had, thoughshe didn’t stay to listen to his heartfelt speech afterwards. That was what hegot for starting with the “Rose Quartz was actually Pink Diamond and Iinherited her gem” explanation. She raced to the warp pad before anyone couldgauge her true reaction, but she clearly wasn’t taking it well.

To be fair, Lapis wasn’t sure how to feel about it, either.

With one final scream, Jasper plunged a clawed leg into theinjector’s glass casing, sending up a spray of debris and gem essence. Lapis didn’tknow much of anything about kindergartens, but to see her reduce a machinemeant to last thousands of years to scrap so effectively left her feelingmildly impressed, and a little scared. Her confidence was waning fast.

“What in the world are you doing?!” She cried, dredging upwhat was left of her resolve. “Stop it, right now!”

She had hoped that would stop Jasper in her tracks, but theQuartz didn’t even pause as she hefted the mangled injector over her head andflung it in Lapis’ direction.

“Go away!” She roared, grabbing any and everything withinreach and throwing it at her.

Lapis stumbled out of the way as heavy metal crashed allaround her, desperately searching for the slightest bit of moisture to protectherself, but she couldn’t sense anything significant nearby. All she could dowas block the shrapnel with what little water she could condense from the air,protecting her gem if nothing else. The barrage only lasted a couple minutes,but by the end of it, she was exhausted, coated in gem essence and dust.

It appeared Jasper was no better, breathing heavily withshoulders slumped and wide, glaring eyes trained on her trembling hands. Shebrought them to her face and screamed into her palms, before falling to herknees, raking at her body as if she wanted nothing more than to tear herselfapart. Lapis had no doubt that, left to her own devices in this state, sheabsolutely would.

Seizing her chance, Lapis gathered herself up on shakinglimbs and took a couple steps towards Jasper. Even huddled on the ground, shecame up to Lapis’ shoulders, but at the same time, she looked so small.

“Jasper,” Lapis began, gulping down her fear. “If you’re donethrowing things at me, I only came to tell you something.”

Jasper took in a hissing breath, as if Lapis had slapped her.“I don’t want to talk to you,” she grumbled, shuddering oddly. That samenagging suspicion of Jasper’s condition pulled at Lapis, until she noticed theclear streaks cutting through the grime on her cheeks. She was crying.

Lapis felt suddenly embarrassed, knowing well that this wasvulnerable side to Jasper that she didn’t want anyone to see, yet she brokedown in front of her without even trying to hide it. Whether it said somethingabout her weakened defenses or about her subconscious connection to Lapis, shewasn’t sure and, frankly, it wasn’t something that she wanted to dwell on rightnow.

“Jasper.” She began again, firmly. “I just want to say that…Iwant to say I’m sorry, for everything. No, sorry doesn’t even begin to describehow I feel. I’m so…ashamed of what Idid to you, keeping you trapped like that for so long, and for what? I ended up trapping myself in the process!”She paused for a moment, attempting to reign in her emotions before she couldspiral any further into despair. “I took all my anger out on you, but it wasnever you I was angry at, not at the core. You’re an awful jerk, but you didn’tdeserve any of this. You didn’t deserve Malachite.”

It felt like a great weight had been taken off her shoulders.After so long with this guilt, Lapis was finally able to let it go, havingfinally said what she needed to say to Jasper the last time they met. This waspromptly dampened by the perplexity in Jasper’s gaze.

“What’re you talking about?” She demanded. “I ‘didn’t deserveMalachite.’ You don’t know what I’ve done! How many gems I’ve shattered! Howmany lives I’ve ruined! And for what? A lie…it’s all a lie!” She smacked thesand with each explanation, chocking back sobs. “And I was too stupid to see it, just like I was toostupid to stay away from you! You. You don’t know me. But I can tell you Ideserve the worst fate imaginable. Even shattering me would be an act ofmercy.”

“Sh-shattered?” Lapis gasped, dumbfounded. “For something youdidn’t have any choice in? That’s like saying I deserved to be tortured in thatmirror for thousands of years because I was left inactive on the battlefieldand mistaken for the enemy! Do you think I deserved that?”

She regretted those words the moment they left her mouth, butto her surprise, Jasper shook her head sharply. “No! That’s different! You werea civilian and weren’t meant the fight, but the Crystal Gems—!”

“’They kept you prisoner! They used you!’ Yes, I know! And I’ll never forgive them for what they did to me,” Lapis shouted, balling her fists as thousands of years worth of injustice threatened to drift to the surface. “Butthey didn’t put me in that mirror to begin with, Homeworld did! My own Diamondgave the order! And then they interrogated me and tortured me like I was one ofthem!”

“And you went crawling back to Homeworld to beg for your oldlife back,” Jasper persisted desperately, though it seemed even she didn’t knowwhere she wanted this argument to go, “just like you’re doing with the CrystalGems now. Why?”

Lapis threw up her hands in exasperation. “Because it’sbetter than being alone, I guess!”

That seemed to have an effect on Jasper, as her gaze shot upto meet hers, realization dawning behind her Yellow eyes, the intensity of hergaze piercing through Lapis like weapon. In that moment, they had a connection:the fear of being alone, of feeling powerless and vulnerable to their owninsecurities, and the weight of that fact dropped down on Lapis as heavily asthe guilt that had resided there minutes before.

Those few good moments with the Crystal Gems, howeverstrained her history with them may be, were better than endless solitude on themoon. And Malachite…it was never just about power.

Jasper let out a choking laugh, slumping further to theground as if the strength were leaving her body. “I thought what we had asMalachite was better than being alone. Isn’t that pathetic? Stupid.” She swipedat her face angrily. “I spent so much time feeling isolated and guilty,like I lost so much during the war and that I needed to avenge it, them, her,only to find out that I never had anything and my existence is meaningless. MyDiamond was my most hated enemy, and even though she wasn’t shattered, nowshe’s gone forever, and all I have is that stupid brat’s word to go by. You’resuch a coward, Lazuli. Why won’t you just shatter me already?”

“I-I’m sorry,” Lapis stuttered, at a loss for words.

“None of it is your fault,” Jasper replied, pinching her gem.“It’s all her. It’s always been her.My faith in everything is shattered, just like she should have been back then.”Then, she sighed deeply, visibly relaxing. “You know, I didn’t believe yourstory at first. I didn’t think it was possible for a gem to be kept conscious buttotally restrained like that for so long and still keep her sanity, but hereyou are.”

Lapis blinked in surprise. “I…I wouldn’t exactly say I kept my sanity, I was just able to findit again.”

“Heh, I wish I could say the same.” Jasper mused. “It’sterrible what they did to you, all because of a big misunderstanding. And thenthey treated you like a suspicious criminal when you returned, I treated you thatway…I don’t think you deserved to be trapped in that mirror.”

“And I don’t think you deserve to die,” Lapis replied with asad smile.

She thought Jasper would argue, but all she received was aweak “thanks.”

A profound silence descended between them as the sun suddenlydisappeared, the slightest hint of fiery orange persisting to the west. The starswere just starting to come to life in the river of night sky beyond the canyonwalls, and the only light source came from the injectors high above, castingthe entire kindergarten in a soft magenta glow that barely reached the bottom. Withoutthe oppressive sun, the Beta’s screaming presence was muted and soft, the redcliffs turned to muddy, umber shadows.

It was beautiful, and Lapis wanted to express as much toJasper, but she knew that this conversation was over, that she’d stayed longerthan she meant to. Instead, she bridged the distance between her and Jasper onelast time, touched her shoulder, then left without another word, making the trekto the kindergarten’s warp pad on foot.

She would never speak of this day to anyone.

[whimsicallyenchantedrose]

The Strongest Magic--pt. 3

The Strongest Magic

Pairing: CS (duh!  That’s pretty much all I ever write!)

Setting: Neverland, just after 3x8

Rating: Somewhere between K+ and T

Summary: Pan has stolen Henry’s heart, but all is not yet lost. Emma, the Charmings, Hook, Regina and Rumplestiltskin must defeat Pan within six hours or Henry will die. Pan discovers the heart of the truest believer doesn’t contain the strongest magic of all. For that, he will need Emma’s heart. When Hook realizes what Emma’s planning, he makes a desperate plan to save her life.

Previous sections: (Part 1) (Part 2)

A/N  In honor of the Neverland Renaissance that seems to have swept Tumblr (I approve; I definitely approve!), and in honor the fact that it’s Throwback Thursday I decided to revisit one of my early CS fics.  (In fact, this is my very first fanfiction of any kind, so be gentle, lol.)  It was written during the 2 week break between 3x8 and 3x9, so it’s canon to that point.  This was written long before I joined Tumblr, so I’ve never posted it here, and I figured, with the resurgence of interest in Neverland, why not? Anyway, it’s a multi chapter, but rather than spam your dash with 9 separate posts, I decided to divide it up into 3 sections.  Enjoy!

A/N 2: Okay, so apparently I either never posted part three of this story back when I posted it for Throwback Thursday, or Tumblr ate it.  So, in order to rectify the situation (I kind of left Killian dead at the end of the previous part, and we know that can’t stand!), I decided to post/repost.  Enjoy!

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Chapter 7: A Change of Course

Emma sat heavily on her bunk below decks of the Jolly Roger. The ship had taken off ten minutes ago, Neal at the helm. Emma clutched Hook's letter firmly in her hand. She'd already read it three times. How had it come to this? How had Captain Hook come to matter to her in such a profound way that it seemed she was leaving a vital part of herself behind on Neverland. Hook had given his heart for her, but she was the one who felt like she had a giant gaping hole in her chest.

This is what happened when you let yourself care for someone. No use denying it now. She did care about him. He said he wanted her to go home and live a joy-filled life, but how exactly could she do that under the circumstances? She would never be able to explore the…whatever…that was starting to develop between them. She would always wonder what could have been. And she couldn't even pretend she hated him, like she had with Neal. Hook hadn't betrayed her; he'd shown selfless devotion to her.

It hurt to care. Oh, how she longed for an average boring life. She wished she'd never met Hook. No, that wasn't true. Her life was infinitely enriched from having known him, having been loved by him. If only she could just stop feeling. She just wanted to go numb. Too bad Regina was out of sleeping curses, she could use the peace you could find in sleep.

The tears began to flow again. She had cried more during the last few days on this bloody island than she ever had before in her life. She laughed grimly to herself. She'd called it the "bloody island;" she was even starting to think like him!

There was a soft knock on her door.

"Come in," she called listlessly.

"I thought you might like some company," Mary Margaret said as she walked in and sat on the bunk beside Emma.

"Yeah," Emma said, running her hands through her hair and sighing. "Maybe it would be better not to be alone right now."

Mary Margaret put her arm around Emma, and Emma laid her head on her mother's shoulder.

"He loved me," Emma said bleakly.

"Yes," Mary Margaret agreed, laying her cheek against the top of her daughter's head. "Long before…well before what just happened, that was becoming obvious. The question is, what are your feelings for him?"

Emma was quiet for a long time. When she did speak, her voice was so soft Mary Margaret had to strain to hear it. "I…I think I love him too."

"Oh, honey," Mary Margaret said gently, "I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now."

"Yeah," Emma said brusquely. "You know what the hell of it is? After Neal, I swore to myself I'd never love another man, never let another man have enough power over me to make me hurt, yet here I am. I almost wish I could hate Hook. Hate would be easier to deal with."

They were silent for several minutes. Emma appreciated Mary Margaret's silence. She was glad her mother wasn't throwing stereotypical words of comfort at her. Sometimes sorrow is too deep for words.

Mary Margaret chuckled softly to herself.

"I was just thinking about the day we met Hook," Mary Margaret said. "Who would have thought that debonair, ruthless pirate would one day save your life?"

Emma smiled. "He was so full of crap. He had so many one-liners up his sleeve, it was a wonder that black leather jacket fit over his arms!"

"What happened up on that beanstalk?" Mary Margaret asked, rubbing Emma's back. "You seemed different when you got back. You seemed to think even worse of him than when the two of you went up."

"I don't know," Emma said evasively. "I guess I just got scared. We worked so well together up there, and there was already, I don't know, a spark, I guess. I could see already that he would help me in any way I needed, and it scared me. I was scared I might be wrong about him. Then, afterwards, I guess I was kind of ashamed that I'd chained him up there. He had, after all kept his end of the bargain. I'm kind of surprised he even wanted anything to do with me again after that."

There was silence again for several moments, and then Emma spoke up again.

"Mom?" Emma could tell Mary Margaret was pleased to be addressed like that. "Is love really worth it?"

"I wouldn't trade a moment I've had with your father for anything in the world," Mary Margaret said simply. "It wasn't always easy. His step father was against the match; my step mother was against…well, me and anything that might make me happy; the curse made him think he was married to another woman; I was stuck in a different realm when we were sucked into the Enchanted Forest. Through it all, I always had that faith that somehow, your father and I would always find each other."

The anger started then. Anger at her parents for their "happily ever after." Anger at herself for falling in love again. Even anger at Hook.

"He lied to me, Mom!" Emma ground out. She balled her hands into fists. "On the way back from the Swamp of Despair, he lied to me. He promised me he would never leave me. He swore it to me! Now look. He has left me!"

"No, Mom," came a voice from the door. Emma hadn't even heard Henry come in. "He didn't leave you; you left him! You're the one who left him on Neverland."

"Henry," Mary Margaret said gently, "now isn't the time. Your mom's pretty upset."

Henry paid no attention to Mary Margaret, but walked into the room and stopped right before Emma. "He saved my life. I couldn't believe it, but Captain Hook saved my life! We have to save him!"

Emma felt the lump in her throat grow larger. "Henry," she said taking his hands and looking into his face, "there is nothing in this world I would rather do, but I just can't. Pan's won. Hook's body has gone cold already. If it was just me, I would go back and try anyway, but it's not. I can't put you in danger like that."

"Mom, you love him, don't you?"

"Yeah kid, I do." Emma answered simply. One solitary tear trickled down her face. She briskly wiped it away.

"Don't you see?" he asked earnestly "That's it! True love is the strongest power on earth. Love is strength. Believe in your love. You can use love to save Hook!"

Believe in your love; love is strength. Those phrases tugged at Emma. She gasped. Love is strength. She had said those very words to Cora when she performed her first bit of magic. She had pushed Mary Margaret out of the way…out of love…and Cora was not able to take her heart. She thought of the fires she'd finally been able to start in Neverland. She produced the fire when she thought of Henry, when she thought about how much she loved him, how much she wanted to protect him from Pan. What about what happened at Dark Hollow? She'd been able to light the candle only after Hook was taken by the shadow. It was fear for him, love of him that had allowed her to light the flame.

Regina was wrong. The strongest magic wasn't fueled by anger, it was fueled by love! Love was the source of her magic!

"Henry's right," Emma said animatedly. She jumped to her feet. "We've got to go back. We've got to save Hook. It may be crazy, but I've got to try!"

Emma raced toward the helm. Neal stood at the wheel talking and joking with Tinkerbelle.

"Neal, turn around!" Emma shouted. "We've got to go back! Hook needs our help!"

Suddenly everyone began talking at once.

"Emma, what are you talking about?"

"Have you lost your mind, dearie?"

"Not a chance, Miss Swan."

"Emma, we've already talked about this…"

"David, she's right."

Could they all just shut up for a second? They were wasting time!

"GUYS!" she shouted loud enough to drown everyone out. They all fell silent and turned toward her. "We can't just leave him. You know we can't. Look at all he's done for us, all of us throughout this whole Neverland nightmare! He's been our guide. He's saved Henry's life and David's life, and my life. He's rescued Neal. He's been my rock, and…I love him."

Neal's face clouded, and Tinkerbelle discreetly stepped back.

"Emma, what are you saying?" Neal asked in a pained voice.

This was neither the time nor the place for this discussion, but then, she supposed there would never be a good time or a place for it.

"Neal," she said gently, stepping forward to touch his arm. "A part of me will always love you. You never quite forget your first love. But things have changed. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was 11 years ago. Neither are you. Look, I know you had the best of intentions and everything, but what happened back then, you letting August convince you to send me to jail…well, it left a scar. A deep, painful scar, that is only now beginning to heal. Neal, I do forgive you for what happened, but there are some things a person just can't ever forget."

"Emma, please," Neal pleaded, his hand gripping hers. "I know I was wrong. I know I hurt you, but our love can overcome this."

"That's just it, Neal," Emma said sadly. She didn't want to hurt him, but she had to make him understand. "What we had was beautiful, and I'll never regret it because it brought us Henry, but I don't think it was true love."

If possible, Neal looked even more wounded.

"I've seen the love my parents share," she continued. "They'd do anything for each other. I thought I'd never be able to find that kind of love, but I have. It's like…I don't know…it's like there has always been this piece of me that was missing. When Hook gave his life for Henry, for me, well, I knew he was the one that completed me."

Neal dropped his eyes.

"Neal," she said touching his arm again. He looked back up at her, "you deserve to find the woman who completes you like that."

He merely looked at her for several moments and then nodded. His eyes flickered briefly to the side. Toward Tinkerbelle? What exactly happened on that trip to Pixie Hollow?

"This is all very touching, dearie," Rumplestiltskin said striding forward, "but you can't honestly be suggesting we go back and take on Pan for a man who is already dead!"

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Emma said earnestly. "Look, there's never been any love lost between you and Hook. I get that. But what about Pan? Do we just leave him there…all powerful? Do we let him bask in his victory? Give him the power to terrorize other people, other families the way he's terrorized us? We need to defeat him, so that he can never hurt anyone else again."

"Emma," Charming said firmly, taking a step forward, "we just can't do this. It's too late."

"No," Mary Margaret said firmly. Emma shot a grateful look at her mother. "Charming, what is it we always say to each other? I'll find you. I'll always find you. Our love has always been strong enough to overcome any obstacle. It's time we let our daughter go after her true love. She believes her love can save him, and I believe in her."

They looked at each other for several moments. Finally Charming nodded.

Rumplestiltskin growled deep in his throat. "Regina," he said, "talk some sense into them!"

Regina looked at Emma for a moment, an assessing look on her face. Finally she rolled her eyes. "Sorry Gold," she said grimly, "but I've found it to be fruitless to try to change Miss Swan's mind once she's made it up."

"Alright everyone," Neal said, turning back to the wheel. "Prepare for a change of course. Neverland, here we come!"

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Chapter 8: The Final Battle

"I'll stay with the boy," Tinkerbelle offered. "I have no desire to confront an angry and immortal Pan."

"Thank you," Emma said gratefully.

"Mom," Henry said earnestly, "I want to come too. I can help."

"No!" said Emma, Regina, Snow, Charming, Neal and Rumplestiltskin.

"Kid," Emma said, crouching down so that she was on eye level with her son, "We need to know you're safe. This is going to be a difficult and dangerous mission, and we'll need to focus all our energy on saving Hook and defeating Pan. We can't worry about you being in danger."

"But I can help!" Henry insisted. "I have the heart of the truest believer. I'm not afraid of Pan."

"Henry," Charming tried, crouching down so that he was next to Emma, "do you remember when your mom and grandma were stuck in the Enchanted Forest and I started teaching you about becoming a knight?"

"Yeah," Henry said uncomfortably, shifting from one foot to the other.

"Remember, what I said about courage?"

"Yeah," Henry said with a sigh, "You said that sometimes courage means not acting when you want to. Sometimes it means staying behind."

"Exactly," Charming said. "This is one of those times. I need you to stay on board the Jolly Roger and protect Tinkerbelle. I need you to guard the pixie dust and make sure the ship is ready to make a quick getaway as soon as we return."

Henry sighed. "Okay. Just be careful, okay?"

Emma hugged Henry once more and looked up at Charming. Thank you, she mouthed. He nodded in acknowledgement.

The rescue party, led by Emma cautiously walked off the gangplank and onto the shores of Neverland. Would Pan know of their return already? Would he set a trap for them? As they carefully walked across the shore, their confidence increased. No one was there to meet them.

"Come on," Emma shouted, breaking into a run, "We've got no time to waste."

They ran at a breakneck pace until they reached the mouth of Skull Rock. Emma rested for a moment in the entrance, leaning against a wall to catch her breath.

"What's the plan, Miss Swan?" Regina asked breathlessly.

"I need to make sure Hook is here," she said, her glance encompassing the whole group. "And…I need a moment with him."

Mary Margaret rubbed Emma's shoulder. "Go on honey. We'll guard the entrance of the cave until you call for us."

Emma walked slowly forward. The cave was well lit, both by the sconce burning on the wall and by the brilliant green pillar of light in the center. She had barely entered the cave before she saw Hook's lifeless body lying awkwardly on the floor. No one had arranged it after he fell; he looked so uncomfortable.

Emma ran to him and collapsed beside his body. She clasped his cold hand with one of hers, and gently brushed his dark hair from his brow with the other. She'd known what he'd done for her and for Henry, but seeing him here brought it home to her all the more vividly. The tears filled her eyes again, but she ruthlessly pushed them away. If she was to defeat Pan, she had to stay clear-headed. She couldn't afford to indulge in emotion.

"Hook…Killian," she whispered caressing his icy cheek, "I will find a way to save you. I love you."

She leaned forward and gently kissed his still lips. A wave of magic, warm and rose-colored erupted from their joined lips, and quickly spread to fill the entire cave. Of course! Emma thought to herself. Why didn't I think of this before? True love's kiss! Could it restore Hook? She watched him intently. Color slowly came back into his face and hands. Emma hastily cupped his face in her hands once again. He was warm!

"Wake up!" she whispered, "Come back to me!" She waited several minutes, caressing his face, his hands, his hair, but he never stirred.

Emma knew a moment of disappointment, but then she gathered her resolve back around her. If true love's kiss could revive him enough to bring warmth back into his body, she knew her love could defeat Pan!

Peter Pan abruptly stopped playing his pipes and raised his hands for quiet. The lost boys immediately stopped their dance.

"What is it?" Felix asked.

Pan clutched at his chest, where Hook's heart had suddenly begun to pound. "They're back, and they've reached the captain."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Felix asked with a cold smile. "Let's go show them what happens to those who refuse to heed Pan's instructions!"

Emma had gotten to her feet and was striding toward the cave's entrance when she heard her mother's shout.

"We've got company!"

"We've got to guard his body!" Emma shouted back. "Help me."

Snow, Charming, Regina, Neal and Rumplestiltskin poured into the cave. Each took a place, until they had Hook completely surrounded. Emma was in front facing the opening of the cave.

"Take care of the lost boys," she ordered, naturally falling back into the role of leader, "Pan is mine."

No sooner were the words out of her mouth than the lost boys rushed into the cave, their war cries echoing along the stone walls. Emma expected them to attack immediately, but they didn't. They surrounded them, raised their weapons and then waited.

Pan flew in on a jet of yellow-green light. He landed before Emma. The mocking look that she was used to seeing on his face was gone, replaced with a deadly earnestness.

"I thought my instructions to Henry were crystal clear," Pan growled, "You should be halfway back to your beloved Storybrook by now."

Emma shook her head. "That's not how true love works. I won't leave Hook to rot on this island. He's coming back to Storybrook with us…him AND his heart!"

"You're weak!" Pan spat back at her, "You let your heart dictate your actions. You think your love can save him? Well, you're about to find out how worthless your pathetic love is!"

"Well let's get on with it then," Emma ground out.

Pan gave a sign with his hand, and with a cry, the lost boys attacked. Emma drew her sword and advanced on Pan. The cries and shouts of pitched battle were going on all around her. She heard the metallic sound of swords clashing. The whooshing of an arrow leaving it's quiver, the crackling of a fireball, and some sort of crashing sound that must be Rumplestiltskin's magical weapon of choice.

She swung at Pan, but he disappeared and materialized several feet away. How the hell was she supposed to fight an enemy that she couldn't even seem to touch? She advanced and tried again, but her progress was stopped by a lost boy who fell at her feet, an arrow protruding from his shoulder.

"Looking for me?" came a voice from behind her. She whirled and raised her sword in both hands.

She realized her mistake immediately. Pan was there, far too near her. With both arms raised, her chest was exposed, and Pan held a knife high, poised to plunge right into her heart!

"Emma!" she heard her mother scream. It seemed like time moved in slow motion. She saw Pan's arm swing downward, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She closed her eyes, bracing herself for the blinding, screaming pain.

But it never came. She abruptly opened her eyes and saw a brief look of shock on Pan's face. He struck out again, but the knife stopped two inches from her chest as though it had come in contact with an invisible wall. Pan uttered a cry of rage.

What was going on here? Suddenly, understanding dawned on Emma's face. "You can't touch me!" She said in wonder, her eyes widening. "Hook's heart beats in your chest, and it won't let you harm the woman he loves!"

Charming hurtled through the sea of combatants, clearly coming to her aid.

"Stay back, Dad," Emma yelled. Charming stopped abruptly. The lost boys must have sensed that something momentous was about to happen, because almost as one they dropped their weapons and turned toward Emma and Pan.

Emma sheathed Neal's sword. She knew, she suddenly had absolute confidence that it would be the magic of her love and no other weapon that would defeat Pan. The boy stood still, wearing a look of utter bafflement on his face.

Emma closed her eyes and extended her hands. She thought of Henry back at the ship. She thought of her parents fighting with all their might to help and protect her. She thought of Hook lying still and dead on the floor of the cave. Love welled up from the very depths of her being. She felt its force and power flowing from her heart, through her arms and out her fingertips.

Pan gasped, and Emma opened her eyes. Rose-colored light flowed from her fingers and coiled around Pan like a rope. He struggled, but he was completely immobilized. The love light bound him from the neck down. Only a small space just over his heart remained free of the entanglement.

"Regina, get over here!" Emma ordered. "We need Hook's heart!"

Regina stepped forward and extended her open hand toward Pan's chest, but she couldn't reach inside.

"Emma, honey," Snow White breathed, "It has to be you. The heart belongs to you. You're the one who has to retrieve it."

Shaking slightly, Emma extended her hand. It slipped through Pan's chest as easily as it would slip through warm water. She grasped Hooks warm, beating heart, and gently pulled it out.

"No!" Pan shouted. The column of light faded until it was almost nonexistent.

Emma looked at the heart. It was bright red and strong. Not a smudge marred it. Here was proof, if anyone needed it, that Hook was a hero.

Gently, Emma slid to her knees before Hook. She extended her hand and slipped his heart back into its place in his chest. Emma watched and waited a beat. Two beats. Suddenly his eyes opened.

"Emma," he breathed gently, smiling and reaching up to cup her face.

"Hook!" she yelled, tears streaming down her face. She raised him up and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his chest. His heart beat strong and steady against her ear.

"I love you!" she whispered over and over again.

"Look!" Neal called out, gesturing to the center of the cave.

Emma pulled herself back from Hook far enough to see where Neal was pointing. The light in the center of the cave was suddenly extinguished. In its place sat the giant hourglass Emma remembered seeing during her first trip to Skull Rock. The top of the hourglass was more than half empty and the sand rushed out at a breakneck speed.

"No!" Pan shouted.

It took only minutes for the last grain of sand to settle into the bottom of the hourglass. Pan fell to the ground and closed his eyes. A wave of green light settled over his still form, and when it lifted, Peter Pan was gone. In his place lay a middle aged gentleman with longish brown hair and a red coat.

"Papa," Rumplestiltskin breathed in an agonized whisper. Then, he firmly turned his back on the man who had abandoned him for a chance at eternal youth.

Peter Pan was no more.

Half an hour later they were on the docks where the Jolly Roger awaited them. It was over. It was finally over. Peter Pan could never harm anyone again. Hook was surprised at the extreme wave of relief that suffused his entire body. He was only a few minutes from leaving Neverland…for good this time.

They were walking up the gangplank in groups of two. Snow and Charming led the way followed by Regina and Henry. Rumplestiltskin and Neal, talking animatedly, came next, followed by Tinkerbelle and Wendy. Hook, walking near Emma, took a step onto the gangplank, but she stopped him with a hand to his arm.

"Hook," she said looking him straight in the eye, "For the record. You are the most honorable man I know. What you heard in the swamp was dead wrong. You're not a villain or a looser. You're a hero. Thank you. For all you've done for us. Without you, Henry would have died."

Hook dropped his eyes. He had been a "villain" for so long, he hardly knew how to receive praise and thanks anymore. But it gratified him. Particularly from this woman, it gratified him. The "charming rogue" mask he'd worn for so long to hide his true emotions slipped into place.

"Well, love," he said with a grin, "I seem to remember you offered me a display of your gratitude for saving your father's life not too long ago. I wouldn't turn down a repeat performance."

Her grin matched his. "I don't know," she flirted, "I kind of thought saving your life back there at Skull Rock was thanks enough."

"True enough, lass," he returned, "It would appear I'm the one who owes you a debt of gratitude."

Hook brought his good hand to Emma's cheek and moved forward. He waited when he was a hairs-breadth away from her and looked into her eyes. If she pulled back, he would step away. It would nearly kill him, but he would step away. But there was no hesitation in Emma's eyes, only invitation, and a deep abiding love.

Hook closed the distance and settled his lips onto hers. This was a slow kiss, a gentle one. It had none of the urgency and fire of their first kiss, but in some ways it was eminently sweeter. Emma's arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer, and his encircled her waist. The kiss went on and on, but eventually he ended it. He rested his head against hers for a moment, trying to catch his breath.

"That was…" he began, just as he had after their first kiss.

"A three time thing?" she replied, and he could hear the laughter in her voice.

"Not hardly!" he growled, and planted a quick peck on her lips as a punctuation to his sentence.

"Let's go home," Emma said with a radiant smile. It was like the sun breaking out on a cloudy day.

Hook sighed. "I've had no place to call home for as long as I can remember. Are you sure you want me with you when we get back to Storybrooke?"

Her smile turned tender. "Hook, don't you get it? With the strongest magic in all the realms binding us together, how could I want you anywhere else?"

The End!

[shirewalker]

Hey! For the ship fic with sappy and smutty, Han/Leia no.5 (sappy) in a changing room?

+ “I’ve wanted this for song long”

Again, soft AU tho it’s still in a galaxy far far away. Also, Holdo shows up at the end lol (she KNOWS stuff, she’s totes the friend that knows what’s going on at all times)

Rated E ofc

“I’vewanted this for so long!” Leia let out, her hands trembling as she undid thebuttons of her clothes.

Han trippedon the way to his own changing room and looked back at her, “What?”

She stoppedand looked at him, “The laser tag test, Han.” She frowned, noticing the brightblush that coloured his cheeks.

Han coughedand looked away, “Oh, right.” He opened the door and sighed. Leia had utteredthose words in such a breathless way… That paired with her stripping down wasbound to make him think… Stuff. Considering he’d been wondering where theystood for a long time now, no one could blame Han Solo for thinking Leia haddecided to take some sort of plunge.

“You’re alittle distracted. Nervous about the test?”

“What? Ohno. I know I’ll ace it.” He looked over his shoulder and flashed his best smuggrin. It nearly fell off his face when he saw that Leia was wearing just herpanties and an undershirt. He instantly regretting looking her way as his bodyreacted quite happily to the sight. They’d kissed once. And then Leia had runoff on him.

“Ofcourse.” She scoffed, though he knew she was smiling.

“AfterwardsI’ll need to go get a new uniform.” He said out of the blue, as they waited fortheir turn.

Leianodded, “Me too, I ripped mine during our last mission on the Desert Moon.”

Han’s heartfluttered a little, “We can go together.”

“Soundsperfect.” The doors opened and their names were called. Leia rose a teasingeyebrow, “Ready to ‘ace’ this?”

“Always.”

--

Miss Holdo’sdesk was empty. A message was blinking in her signboard, the neon lightstaunting the two of them. “Your uniforms are ready. Call your name and code number.I’ll be back in two hours. Holdo.”

Leia sighed,“She’s been seeing that pilot a lot lately. I bet that’s who’s keeping her awayright now.” She leaned into Holdo’s intercom and stated her name and codenumber.

“PrincessLeia, honorary member, changing room number 4.” The machine announced.

She sighed,“Why haven’t they changed that honorary thing yet? Just because I’m theprincess it doesn’t change my place in the Rebellion system.”

Hanchuckled, “Actually, your worshipness, it does.”

“Oh, stopcalling me that.” She pointed at the intercom, “Go ahead, and call for yours.”

He did.

As hefollowed Leia into yet another changing room, Han couldn’t help but think theuniverse was taunting him. Probably a result of not believing Luke’s beliefs onthe Force or something. It wasn’t his fault, he just had never been provenwrong on his own beliefs. But hey, if the universe gave him an opening withLeia… Maybe he’d begin to change his mind.

A handcaught his as he passed by Leia’s changing room. Before he could do anything,Leia was pulling him into the cubicle. Han’s heart fled the scene, not readyfor this kind of opening happening so fast. But then, “Han, help me out withthis zipper. It won’t go down no matter what.” Leia huffed, back to him.

Ashamed forthinking such things, his heart returned home, tiny and pale with disappointment.Han nodded and pulled down the zipper, “I don’t understand your obsession withthese dresses and these zippers. I thought you preferred the practicality ofyour suits.” He let out, fighting a little with the zipper. He bit his tongueto stop himself from saying the rest. He didn’t understand her obsession withwearing dresses for five minutes, but they always looked fantastic on her. So,he kept his teasing to rare moments. Like now.

“I likethem. Feels good to change once in a while, Han.” She gasped then, when thezipper gave in and the back of Han’s hand brushed her skin.

A smirkdanced on his lips, “Something the matter, Leia?”

“No, no!”She shook her head, though her voice trembled hard enough to give away hownervous she was. Han’s heart began to glow, perhaps…

“Leia…” Herasped and leaned in to brush his lips over the back of her neck, hand softlypushing aside the locks of hair that’d fallen from her grip.

A shudderwent through her, “Han…”

“What arewe doing, Leia?” He continued, his lips still on that patch of skin, both dyingto explore at once and waiting for her word.

“Han… Whymust you make everything difficult?” She said, even though she didn’t moveaway.

“I makeeverything difficult, don’t I? It’s because of you. You drive me crazy. Youlike my scoundrel side. You love to snap at me for the littlest of things justfor the sake of snapping at me…” He said, a hand now gingerly on the curve ofher waist, fingers drumming against the fabric, aching to throw it away and totouch her skin.

“I don’tlike your scoundrel, side. I happen to like nice men, Han…” She counteredthrough a shudder and Han felt a smirk curve his lips. Witty Leia, alwaysmeeting every word of his, now only managed to counter one of this arguments,and quite meekly at that…

“I am anice man.” He rasped, lips traveling to her pulse as Leia leaned her head away,beckoning him closer and closer.

“Oh… Han…”She moaned at the first brush of lips against her pulse. Her back arched andher whole body leaned into his in a silent request for more and more and more. “Holdowon’t be back for two hours…” She let out, finally voicing her permission,finally admitting to wanting more than the little games they’ve been playing upuntil now.

His hands travelledto the exposed skin, fingers digging under the fabric and climbing up her back,peeling away the dress with a patience Han never knew he even had. The softsound of fabric hitting the ground drove him mad with anticipation, and beforehe could control himself, her bra was snapped off and gone in a heartbeat. Agroan climbed up his throat when her hands touched him and Leia began toblindly undress him. “Leia… Your worshipness…” He chuckled, fully aware of howmuch she hated and loved that little nickname, “Do you want to do the honours?”

“Icertainly am not going to stand here practically naked while you kiss me andremain fully dressed.” She snapped back.

Han droppedhis hands and stood back as she turned on the spot and he finally took a goodlook of her expression. Leia was… aroused. As much and as badly as he was. Hercheeks were flushed red, her lips were parted and had a little pout that beggedto be kissed and her chest heaved fast, thirsty, demanding.

Somewherebetween that moment of quiet and the next heartbeat he took, Han’s clothes weregone and Leia’s lips were on his. At last. It had been too long since theirfirst kiss, far too long. And it had changed since then. While the first wasquick and shy at the same time, this one was a slow burn and needy. As if bothwould die should they ever stop kissing, as if each other’s air was the onlyway of breathing, as if time was theirs to bend and stretch and play with. Leia’slips tasted of caramel and her moans smelled of coffee. Her breakfast, herfavourite breakfast. They glided over his with haste, yet he was certain shewas making sure she remembered all the curves and tilts his mouth made. Histongue traced her mouth and with a moan, Leia welcomed him in, meeting himhalfway as the kiss was deepened.

“Leia… Oh,Leia…” He rasped when the kiss was broken, his mouth tracing her jaw and neckas he tasted her endlessly.

A loud moanescaped her lips when he found a sweet spot and played with it, “Han…! Oh stars…Oh stars…! Han…” She passed her hands through his hair over and over again,playing with it before dragging her nails down is back. Down, down, down. Shecupped his backside and squeezed, a giggle following suit when he groaned atthe tease.

“I’vewanted this for so long…” He rasped, echoing those harmless words of hers backinto her mouth.

Leiachuckled, arms back around his neck as he hoisted her up and eased into her, “Sothat is why you were so red when I said that. Your mind was somewhere else…”She breathed and licked her lips, savouring the sensation of having Han insideher. He fitted her almost too perfectly. “Oh… You feel so good, Han.”

Han pressedhis forehead to hers and said, “You too, your worshipness.”

“You reallylove calling me that, don’t you?”

“It rilesyou up, and I love it when you’re so riled up.” He said as he rolled his hipsslowly. In and out, so slowly it drew new sounds out of Leia that Han had neverheard. And how lovely those sounds were. She locked her legs around his waistand brought him closer with a cried moan as his sudden thrust hit all the rightbuttons.

“Oh…!” Hermoans grew louder and less coherent, Han’s thrusts growing in speed.

His heartwas so full right now, his whole body focused on nothing but Leia and her bodyand her moans and cries and how fantastic they sounded to him. Leia demandedspeed and he moved faster. Leia demanded more and he thrust harder. Whatevershe asked for, Han gave without hesitation, wishing nothing more than to climaxin the arms of the only woman that had ever made him feel the so-called “fuzzyfeelings”.

“Leia… Leia…Leia…” Her name was a permanent presence on his lips. His head was nested onthe crook of her neck as Leia pulled his hair and demanded more and more andmore.

“Kiss me,Han… Kiss me…” She begged.

He lookedup and his gaze met hers. They hadn’t stopped yet, not yet, though the edge wasdrawing closer by the heartbeat. Her eyes shined so bright, in spite of beinghooded in the heat of the moment. She was absolutely and without a doubt themost beautiful creature he had ever seen in all his years in space. Nothing hadever gotten close to her beauty, even before they had ever crossed paths. Hiseyes fell to her lips. Her mouth was open in a round ‘O’, lips swollen fromkissing and biting, and soft moans kept pouring out of her. His name, yesses,his name again. “I love you, Leia…” He rasped before bringing his lips to hers,before capturing her cry of pleasure, before swallowing down that beautifulsound that would follow him forever.

--

“I’m back!”Holdo called from the entrance and Han quickly finished putting on his shirt.

Leiacoughed and pushed him out of her booth, whispering something about not beingcaught together.

“Too latefor that, Leia.” He whispered as he came face to face with Holdo.

Her brightpink hair was fashioned into a high bun today, her bright blue eyes clashingwith it in a way that felt almost too fantastic to be real. Yet her eyes werereally that blue. But not innocent blue, oh no. A knowing smirk spread on herface, “Oh, you two? At last. I was starting to think I’d have to force you intoone booth one of these days. Ah, Leia! You look lovely, that after-sex glowlooks amazing on you.”

Leia blinkedat her friend as she exited the booth and a bright blush exploded to life onher face, “What? After what?”

Holdoscoffed and turned to their uniforms, “I trust they fit you to perfection, soyou don’t have to go back in and try them for real this time. Did good use of thefree time? I hope so.” She walked away, ignoring their embarrassed faces, “Idemand gossip tonight, Leia!”

“She set usup?” Han croaked after a moment.

Leia hidher face in her hands and groaned, “She has been for a while now. And I realisedit only now… Oh stars…”

“Well,” Hecleared his throat, “It was a lovely afternoon, still.”

A smilefought through her pained expression, “It was. Oh!” She froze and turned tohim, an expression of pure horror distorting her face, “You said… And I didn’t…!”She buried her face in her hands once more, “I’m so sorry, Han.”

“Aboutwhat?” He was confused. What was she sorry about? “For not saying it backthere?”

“Yes. Thatwas uncalled for.”

“I don’tknow what you mean. You may not have worded it,” His voice dropped a notch andhe pulled her into his embrace, “But the way you looked at me and cried my nameand kissed me back… It said enough.”

Her eyesfluttered a little, “Oh?”

“Yes. Iknow, Leia. I know.”

“You’re notgoing to stop me from saying it, are you?”

He shookhis head, “Go ahead, your worshipness.”

She rolledher eyes and placed her hands on his chest, where his heart seemed to stutter, “Ilove you too, Han.”

He flashedhis best and most troublesome smirk, “I know.”

[monsterkingz]

yo some amazing things happened during my school’s walkout today, so i’m gonna share them.

i didn’t think all these kids would come together to protest against the poor gun control we have here in america, especially since my school is located in a conservative, mostly white town. but we did. we unionized and demanded our voices to be heard while we showed parkland that we stood with them in the fight against guns. hell, my friend and i even got up on our flag’s platform and started encouraging the mass of students.

i didn’t think we’d be up there. i told megan that we should start chanting, “show me what democracy looks like,” a shout done at denver’s women’s march that i found inspiring. i didn’t think it would be the two of us up there, looking out into a sea of students.

she nudged me to begin, so i cupped my hands around my mouth and thundered, “show me what democracy looks like!” she responded, “this is what democracy looks like!” it took only a second for the rest of students to catch on. the two of us would call, and the others would respond. i felt like i could walk through an ocean of flames as the sounds of students’ cries echoed throughout the campus. we even said stuff like, “will we be silenced no!” and, “will we be forgotten? no!” we then stood in silence for 17 minutes while the wind brushed passed us. we all knew that we were making a difference.

photo creds. to @notizze

but it wasn’t just that. my friend mollie stood up on the platform a few minutes before the end and rose her sign high in the air. no words were exchanged, just everyone’s eyes on the sign.

after the 17 minutes ended, megan said something that was so inspirational (this isn’t the exact quote, but it’s close): “it takes an immense amount of bravery to say your opinion, even when you aren’t sure that anyone is listening. by stepping out these past 23 minutes, you have shown that the students of chaparral aren’t afraid to yell into the darkness.” i swear, this girl is going places. mollie also told people to do a “walk up,” where you go up to 15 students and 3 teachers to say something nice to them. there were so many cheers and hugs afterwards. it was really beautiful.

but it didn’t end there; megan and i were interviewed for our school’s newspaper (or maybe it was yearbook. i can’t really remember lol). since my memory sucks, i can only remember one question, which was, “what do you have to say to the people who only came out to ditch class?” i can’t remember my exact answer, but i pretty much said that those people should feel ashamed for themselves. it’s saddening that some people did just walk out to skip class. we also got a hug from one of the women who work in the main office and she said how awesome we were, not to mention from a bunch of other people as well.

summary: don’t be afraid to speak up. i’d rather have my voice reach the ears of those in DC than have my teacher scold me for leaving. what chaparral did today was phenomenal. parkland, we stand with you

[tiredstarryeyes]

2011

This is incredibly long overdue. I’ve been meaning to post this for a while now, but fear has always stopped me. It’s a relief to finally feel and hear my voice, regardless if it’s only in written form. Warning: Mention of DV, suicidal thoughts, and depression. 

When I was 18, I had a roommate that was in a physically violent relationship. I heard, and at times witnessed these acts, for roughly a year and a half.

I had just moved to Sydney to start my journey as an Actor, and I was scared shitless, broke as hell, and so naive it was pathetic. After a mere few weeks, I was all of sudden thrown into the deep end of adulthood, and faced with the choice of standing up for myself and this victim. It really didn’t hit me at first. The weight of what was really going on. It’s a part of my life that I’ve not talked about, a trauma that eventually chipped away at my psyche, and turned my mental state into mush. It’s safe to say because of this, I now have a love-hate relationship with my past, as it’s something that I will always be in therapy for, but I’m not ashamed to admit the struggle. I’m not the only one in this world who has been through something like this, and definitely not the only one who has been through depression and trauma.

The reason I stayed, was because coming home and starting again, would mean that I had failed. My biggest fear in life. I had planned to move out of home since I was 15. Worked at a crappy part time job for over 3 years and saved every penny I made. People at the bank knew me by my first name, praising me for being so diligent with my money. I auditioned for a school and got in, so did my best friend at the time with hers, respectively. Everything about the plan was put into motion, and then here we were, ready to start our new lives. Thinking back on it, I was just young and dumb and selfish, yet understandably, I was also in shock. Having been so isolated and protected from the harsh realities of the world, then immediately faced with this type of responsibility, I simply could not cope. I’m ashamed to admit I sat in mostly stunned silence until it was over, then just went to sleep. I remember everyone waking up the next morning, exchanging awkward small talk, ignoring the bruises, and pretending nothing had happened. The repercussions of telling my family, and sticking up for myself and this girl all at once, stuffing up my best friends plans as well, was seemingly too much to bare. I had no experience in the latter, so I drowned within the uncertainty of it all. I think I was in denial as well, but I really had no idea what to do, so I simply did nothing.

Sadly, because of this, all good memories of my first apartment, my early 20’s, and living out of home for the first time, are tainted with sounds of screams. 

Before I sound like more of a wet blanket, I know that everything happens for a reason, and I’ve made this part of my journey the reason for my strength and resilience, and that’s something to be proud of. 

As they they say with trauma, the mind may forget, but the body doesn’t. The PTSD, PTD, anxiety, depression, and emotional triggers that came from this experience, didn’t just go away once I left. Doors were slammed in my face, things were thrown, people were slapped and beaten, furniture was pulled to pieces. It took five years to talk about it without crying, and I still do to this day at times. It’s a trigger for so many things, and I still feel guilty over it. I think I always will to an extent, and I’ve had to work really hard to be at peace with that. If it had affected me this badly to just see and hear it, I can’t imagine what internal struggle and pain was inflicted to the person at the other end of those fists. The aftermath seamed worse than the actual event, and that was a hard thing to accept. I walked around angry for too many years. Too much time wasted hating the world for what was happening to her, how I couldn’t just get over it once I finally bit the bullet and crawled back home. Rather than enjoying my life, like so many people told me to do, I know I let the experience, and my reaction to it, rob those years from me. 

I eventually did call the police after a few months, though.

I asked her one morning if she was scared. She said yes. So I kept going with the questions. I asked her if she wanted it to be over. She said yes. I asked her if she wanted to leave this person. She said yes. I asked her if she was afraid. She said yes. I asked her how long it had been happening. It was way longer than I expected or could wrap my head around. I told her that I had heard everything and that I was scared too. She said she was sorry and we both hugged and cried and fell to the floor. I’ll never forget that moment. Two bits of broken pieces finding each other on dirty carpet. A mess of feelings. Both numb and drained at the environment we were in, feeling stuck and desperate to get out. I made a pact with her and told her to scream for me next time things got heated, and when she did, I ran in and got her just as I had promised. We waited in the dark and I called the police. A few weeks passed, and we went to court. I was standing there in front of the double doors, ready to go in, my scripts clutched to my chest for the acting class I’d have to attend afterwards, (because I moved to Sydney to become an Actor, and a court hearing wasn’t going to stop me. That was my thinking process while in the midst of losing my god damn mind, naturally.) standing there willing to testify for what was right, was one of the scariest moments of my life, staring at the judge in the court room, full of other people who didn't give a shit if I was having a meltdown or not, including the police officers, though are we surprised?  

Then, sadly, nothing really came of it. Except my $30 check for making an appearance. The officer then gave me their business card and told me to send them an email if I needed anything. Like a fucking email was going to stop someone from getting beaten up? But lol ok you do you boo.

Relationships like that are messy and complicated and don’t make sense unless you’re in it. I get it now in retrospect, as I’ve put up with bad behaviour and my fair share of narcissism from men, so I get how hard it is to break things off. 

Boy, do I get it. 

I’ve spent the last 9 years of my life putting myself through therapy because of what I didn’t do, because I didn’t reach out, living in fear. When I couldn’t stop ruminating over the guilt and self loathing and self pity of not making better choices, not feeling I was smart enough, good enough, worthy enough of anything in life because I let this happen. 

One night, thinking about what happened in that room, I drank too much wine, blacked out, and told my doctor I wanted to go on antidepressants the following morning. I was sick and tired of not feeling like these thoughts were coming from my own brain. It didn’t feel like mine and I didn’t feel like me. I was on them for 8 months.

I can’t deny I’ve never thought about not being here either. What this world, my family, or what my friends would do if I were suddenly no longer here, had started to cross my mind a lot in those days. I don’t have those thoughts anymore, but I have had them clear as day, and it has to be said.

I remember the moment it felt like my thoughts were finally back to how they were before it all happened. That moment in the movie when the character is called too adventure, before it all goes to shit? That alive, happy person full of hope and ambition. I wanted to be her again, and I finally started to recognise the old me in this moment. 

I remember breaking down in the shower at the gym, during the fourth day of taking Citalopram. Sobbing happy tears because I finally recognised this thing in my head that was making me think and navigate my consciousness again. Like I had woken up from a bad dream. I literally felt the imbalance of chemicals changing over in my brain, re-wiring itself so I could finally function again. 

This memory, is why I am who I am, and I wear my mental illness that at times seams non existent, but at other times is emotionally and physically debilitating, really fucking proudly, and everyone else can as well. Apparently 1 in 7 people in Australia suffer from depression sometime in their life, so this is not a rare occurrence, just a rare conversation topic to be had because of the stigma against mental illness. 

It’s 2020. Let’s change that. 

I write this because these dark parts are the realest, rawest bits of myself that I relate too more than anything else. They give me strength and drive and motivate me to always do better for my past self who hated herself too much. 

Also, not a lot of people may fully understand the fact that I have depression and anxiety, without really knowing the extent, nor how it came about. I guess it’s because I lost my younger years to this very rough and draining experience, so I think I’ll always appear young at heart and seam more innocent and plain than I actually am, as I’ll always feel like I need to make up for all that lost time. Watching everyone else live through their early 20′s so positively. Because I never did, and this may possibly be my anxiety talking, it may affect how people perceive me. In the Acting world, seaming younger than I am has worked to my advantage, but in reality, people may misunderstand and judge me for it, too. I just hope this post will help make people understand why I have not had certain experiences, and to not judge other people if they have been through the same. There is always more to a person. To sound cheesy as fuck, we are all just the tips of the Icebergs above the water, and you may never know what's been endured beneath the surface of someone, or why they are only showing you certain parts of themselves because there’s not a simple answer for it, and that’s not a bad thing. They are not lazy, boring, or inexperienced. I am not an open book, and I don’t care if you can’t find the patience to try and understand why. 

Depression, to me, feels like this:

It’s like a dark storm cloud that follows you over your shoulders everyday. I can’t sense it on the good days. But, when it’s there, I struggle to see through the fog and it’s like I’m suffocating or choking. When it’s triggered and starts to rumble, all of a sudden you can feel it tingling down your spine. It’s similar to a foreboding like feeling that is all encompassing and knocks you around, mentally and physically. It’s like a presence that gets more difficult and heavy the longer I ignore it. I usually have an inkling that something has been triggered, even if it’s not obvious right away, and I soon come to know that I have some work to do for myself over the following weeks when I have this certain feeling.

If I don’t have the time to reflect however, (in my case, I was filming for my first TV show a few months ago, and didn’t want to focus on anything but the work, and boy did I pay for it afterwards) the storm always becomes louder and I become more lethargic or more sensitive or angry, and it feels like my limbs are constantly dragging me towards the ground. I’m exhausted when I wake up because my anxiety hits me at night and I can’t sleep. And then the cycle repeats itself and I am, a mess. It can be a very temperamental thing when you’re out of your routine. It’s also hard sometimes to differentiate between having off days and feeling down, which is fine, but then if I’m waking up and realising it’s been a week and I can’t stop crying, that’s a warning sign I’m on the precipice of an episode. I know then that this is the beginning of just a bad few weeks, and I need to figure out how to get out of this dark place in my mind. 

The last few months, it’s been my anxiety that’s gone and unsettled me to my core, and after a few sessions of therapy, some Valium, keeping my boundaries up, I’ve mentally been able to reset myself, and can look at life more clearly for what it is. 

This year has been stressful for the entire planet, but I think it was probably a mixture of self doubt, paranoia, staring at the age of 30, maybe, and feeling more isolated than I actually am because of covid. Many reasons I’m sure I’ll figure out later, but I stopped crying a few weeks ago, and don’t feel down anymore, so it’s going to be a good month rather than a hectic one. There’s also a lot to look forward to as well now, and positive thinking is feeling less like a chore. (You know you’re out of the storm when feeling happy ain’t draining! Am I right!)

One thing that has helped is the BLM movement here in Aus, and connecting more to my heritage. Unpacking my childhood in relation to that is going to take a bit more strength, but I know more about my people at this point in my life then I ever have before, and it’s helped shaped my identity and made me feel more closer to myself. I know now, it may always feel like there are missing links to an eternal puzzle that may never be completely put together, or understood. But, I know that's not my fault. It’s because of what this country did to my people. Their voices were taken, their lives erased and destroyed, and thus, were not given to me to learn about and pass on like other generations had the privilege of doing. 

I feel like we are louder and stronger than ever before, but that’s probably because we have had no choice and have never given up. 

At times, all I can do is read about them online, listen to my friends stories who have lived with culture around them, watch our movies, read our books, and feel something I cannot name. That’s not to say I have not experienced racism. I have, and do and always will, and I already feel fear for my future children because it is inevitable. But, I find comfort from the fact that I know this essence of myself has been, and is always going to be there inside me to help make me strong. No matter who I am or what I become, my Aboriginal identity will always be something I can treasure and protect and claim no matter what someone may think of me. I can talk to my ancestors however I want, defend my people whenever I want, because it is no one else’s journey but my own.

[bixgirl1]

Hey, bixy, so I was wondering what's the Top-50 of your favourite lines/scenes from your fics? What are the parts you're very proud of? ❤

carpemermaid said:  Hiiii, consider this a ditto to the ask you sent me. Tell us your top 10 favorite lines/scenes/bits/concepts/*cough*smuts*cough/etc from your works

Well, I guess I had that one coming. *snort*  LOLOL  Can I settle somewhere between thesetwo amounts? 

Alright, here comessome shameless self-promotion that has me cringing (I AM TRYING TO GET OVERTHAT INCLINATION, I SWEAR!), in no particular order (AND HOLY CRAP THIS IS SOLONG I’M SO SO SORRY!):

The Shape Of The World.  I was incrediblypleased with this fic overall; memory loss isn’t my favourite trope, but Iliked how I managed this, and I liked how it forced Harry and Draco to get toknow each other how they are. A couple of my favourite lines/scenes were:

‘“You’re takingthis extremely well, actually,” Draco says with no small amount of admiration.

Potter takes adeep breath and lets it out slowly. “Well, I’m either a complete fuckinglunatic, so it doesn’t matter if I play along, or all of this is real so it’simportant that I play along.”  It’s such a Potter thing to say that Dracolets his smile grow. He shrugs, then meets Draco’s eyes. “Can you get me someof my things?”

“Yes,” Dracosays, feeling rather bad about the position Potter is in. “Let me know what youneed. It might take a couple of days, but we’ll also arrange for you to callyour assistant. And you mentioned a pet you need to feed?”

“Morty. She’llbe good for a couple of weeks, though; she didn’t eat too long ago,” Pottersays. “She’s a snake.”

Draco blinksrapidly as he absorbs this. Harry Potter has a pet snake.

Who he named Morty.

Potter looksat him oddly as Draco’s face twists with this information. “What?”

Helplessly,Draco begins to laugh.’

I loved the addition ofMorty to the fic; I still giggle every time I think of him.  And this bit, too, tends to be one I gravitatetowards:

‘It takesbarely any time at all, maybe a minute or two, before he’s groaning andspurting over his own rapidly moving hand; he doesn’t think he’s ever come sofast in his life, not even as a fourteen-year-old with no self-control. Heusually takes his time, enjoying himself in a hot bath or under cool sheets,teasing his nipples, using lube on his cock and arse. But he usually hasn’tbeen riding a knife’s edge of repressed arousal for two days. He usually doesn’thave Harry Potter wet and mostly willing and practically naked fifteen feetaway from him, and Draco wonders disconsolately how often a man can masturbatebefore he goes insane, because he suspects he’s going to be doing this a lot.

Just then,Harry’s voice drifts across the hall. He sounds deeply amused. “I’m going toassume—and hope—you’re not always that quick.”

Horrified,Draco looks at the door and realizes that he gave no thought whatsoever tocasting a Silencing charm and that Harry has just heard him come.

Loudly.

In under twominutes.

The back ofhis head thunks against the door. Draco casts a quick cleaning charm.

“I fell over,”he croaks out.

“I did too,”Harry calls. “In the shower, just now.”

Fucking prat.’

Basically Iloved everything about their dynamic in this story.

In Heartache this scene — in which Harry and Draco finally find a way to relate to eachother — is probably one of the ones closest to my heart.  There are others (I liked exploring the PTSDafter the war, and their relationship had a slow-burn feel build to me thatalso… wasn’t. lol), but this one stands out for me:

‘“And anyway,isn’t that what the Mind-Healer is supposed to be for?”

“I don’t hateyou anymore, Malfoy,” Potter says, so quickly and seriously that Draco feelsadrift from it. “And what am I supposed to say to her?”

That hadoccurred to Draco, too. His lips quirk in a smile that feels a bit like beingin a dream: unfocused and unreal; rather like sitting with Potter on the stonefloor and talking as if they’ve ever been friends.  “I know,” he says atlast. “Here, let me tell you about when the Dark Lord seared this mark into myskin, and how I could smell burning flesh for days afterward.”

He’simmediately horrified; he doesn’t know why he said that, doesn’t even know howit came into his mind at this particular moment. And now stupid Potter is goingto curl his lip in disgust and peek down at Draco’s aforementioned Mark,reminded of who he’s actually talking to at half-one in the morning.

Only hedoesn’t. Instead, Potter lets out a bit of a strangled laugh. “Hey, would youlike to hear about what it’s like to get AvadaKedavra-d?”

Draco findshimself snickering. “Have you ever been forced to Crucio someone? Here, let me teach you.”

“Would youlike to know what it’s like to be worshipped because a lot of people died tosave you?” Potter says, laughing a bit louder.

“Have aninterest in werewolves? Greyback had allsorts of appetites; I can tell you about them.”

And suddenly,they are giggling — a high-pitched, unsteady noise which echoes across thecorridor. Draco’s shoulder’s shake, and Potter’s eyes are screwed tight, hismouth an oddly-shaped smile as they laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. ThenPotter grabs his hand, justlifts it — as though it’s not the most perverse action he could take —and laces his fingers through Draco’s, who clutches at him and realises that,at some point, his mirth has turned to tears that he has no way of shuttingoff.

Potter grips himtight with a cold, dry hand, and Draco clings back as his mouth quivers and histears fall, and he feels ashamed, so ashamed, for crying in front of Potter. Hedoesn’t know why it has to be thisboy with him for so many of his weakest moments, to witness so muchof his misery, but at least this time Potter isn’t yelling at him and trying toslash him in half, and Potter’s black, tangled lashes are wet too, his eyes asdark as an evergreen wood, and so Draco just breathes and holds onto Potter andcries.

He hears itdistantly, a pathetic, repetitive little sniffling-sob that his father wouldsurely hate him for.

Yet, hisfather is in Azkaban, and Draco is not; he is here, being held by Potter — whohas clumsily pulled Draco into a hug — and that makes all the difference.’

(Sorry youguys asked yet? Lol)

Instruction For A Misplaced Slytherincame to me out of the blue with THIS SCENE which I will love till my dying day,I’m sorry this is so weird and nsfw, but:

‘Accepted intoPotter’s Muffliatocharm once his head was inside, Draco could hear a harsh buzzing noise, warringwith the sudden rushing in his ears as he stared down uncomprehendingly at thesight before him. Potter was stretched out, splayed in a horriblyuncomfortable-looking position. His knees were crooked at an angle and his legsopened wide as he reclined on his pillows and let a monstrously-sized,obviously charmed sex toy batter at his tightly furled hole, trying to getinside. He had one hand wrapped around his semi-erect prick, and hisglasses-less face was screwed up tightly in frustration or possibly even painfrom the looks of it. Pain, Draco decided, as Potter made grunted a little andwrithed to accommodate the dildo. Definitely pain.

Draco made anoise in the back of his throat, unable to cope with the sight. Dear lord, andhe’d thought Voldemort was going to kill him.

Potter’s eyesfluttered open, shockingly green without his glasses to obscure them. Theywidened as they caught Draco’s gaze and both of them froze for a split seconduntil Potter gave a sudden yelp, letting go of his cock and reaching down tobat at the thing buzzing between his arse cheeks. He knocked it into theopposite bed hangings, where it bounced off and down, rolling back onto themattress and giving two last, mournful little sounds before falling silent.

“Merlin andGodric!” Potter shouted.

“And Salazar,too,” Draco agreed faintly, through numb lips. He let the curtains fall shutand backed away to sit (perhaps ‘collapse’ might have been the appropriateterm, as Draco could suddenly no longer feel his legs. All of the blood in hisbody had rushed elsewhere.) down on the edge of his own mattress.

He heardshuffling behind Potter’s curtains as he dropped the Silencing charm and beganmoving around. Draco tried to acclimatize quickly to his new font of knowledge,except that he was pretty sure his brain was bleeding out his ears. Okay, soPotter apparently liked it up the arse. And wanted it painful? That kink didn’tseem like what Draco knew about him — and the ten-inch, bright purple,vibrating dildo with the girth of a bottle of pumpkin juice even less so. Buthe’d never expected for Potter to speak for him at his trial, either. Sometimespeople just surprised you.’

In Strange Bathfellows  I liked the scene where Harry walked in onthe two of them having sex, and the letter exchange between Harry and Draco, aswell as every bit in which Ron and Hermione were betting with each other onHarry and Draco’s relationship — but in particular, this exchange:

‘“Will you guysstop betting on my sex life?” Harry grumbled.

“Well, nowthat you finally have one, we find ourselves interested.” Ron paused, bemused.“We three are probably way too close, you know.”

Harry sighed.“I know. I’ve got to go.”’

Small Spaces  is one of my shorter fics, but I get off onthe idea of Harry’s accidental magic being a result of his sexual frustration,and I loved this bit:

‘“What am I?”Malfoy whispered, voice cracking. “What do I make you do?”

“You’re awful, oh, god, and beautiful,” Harry chokedout, feeling infuriated and relieved by the words, both. “I want to fuck you, and I shouldn’t and you barely look at me, ahh, Malfoywait, I’m going to—”

“Come, Harry,”Malfoy commanded softly, his hand a blur over Harry’s cock. His voice was sureand lovely, in the way dark things can be.’

For Balance, Imperfect I have troublepicking one or or even several scenes, because (I know it sounds horriblyegotistical) I’m in love with it. But I will say that every scene with Ronmakes me ache, and the confrontation between Harry and Ron near the end makesme proud af; I loved Harry and Draco’s first kiss, loved Draco’s birthday, andloved Harry coming down the stairs, as well as his first broom flight after hisinjury. And Draco broke my heart in the best possible way in Balance.  There are a couple of lines that I can thinkof off the top of my head that I can give:

‘They havekissed every slip of skin on each other’s bodies, have kissed for hours, havekissed in a thousand different ways from affectionate to purposeful tolust-driven. And yet, somehow, it’s never been like this, and Draco wondersfleetingly how much Harry has been holding back all this time before histhoughts spiral away like a shooting star into space and he’s left thinkingonly of Harry, the sun.’

and

‘When Harry isnaked, Draco’s hands pause on either side of his right thigh where it willnever fully stop hurting, at the union of real and gone and other,and he leans his forehead against the back of it for a moment, breathingslowly. The room seems to shimmer, and his heart knocks in his chest, and heknows it is nothing more than wishful thinking or perhaps just love, butDraco’s breath or hands or mere presencedoes make the pain recede, just a little. Just enough.’

In The Things They Never Say, I loved their first fight in the pub and resultant loo sex. But I especiallyliked the scenes where their magic would blend and crest while they werefucking, and the final lines — which I won’t include here, because they’rebetter as part of the story. Lol

In 100,000 Galleons I loved the whole scene with the snorkelinglesson, and every single time Dracoturned out to be horrible at learningmuggle things. And, oh, his sunburn. (Seriously, poor fucking Draco in thatfic. *dies laughing*) Also the accidental handjob and the ridiculous bout ofvoyeurism are bits I still giggle over. Lol.

In The Man In The Scarlet Cloak, I had this bizarre idea for actual sex…um, pollen. And I had this mentalimage of Draco, just high as a kite, torturing a Harry who resolutely wouldn’tsleep with him like that, which resulted in a couple of my favorite lines/scenes,ever:

‘“I want tosuck you,” Draco announced, and indeed it was the best idea he’d ever had.Potter—Harry—was gorgeous, the best thing he’d ever seen, thelight of his aura matching the brilliance of his eyes. His body movedlike—well, Draco couldn’t think of anything. Something beautiful. A unicorn.Except unicorns were horse-like, and Potter was simply a man. He moved like aman. His body was graceful like a horse or a unicorn but he was a man, and hehad a long thick cock that Draco had seen in his jeans and felt against hiship, and he wanted to taste it and—

“Um.” Harrywaved a hand in front of his face. “Draco? I think that flower might have—”

“I want tosuck your cock,” Draco told him dreamily. He’d wanted to for years. Itprobably tasted so good. “It felt really large. Is it really large?”

Harry made anoise that sounded like bells in Draco’s ears, tinkling and harmonious. Hiseyes were huge, and he took Draco’s hand. Draco trembled at the contact; itfelt divine, so warm, so connected, pulsing with life and magic andDraco needed that hand, needed those fingers in him.

“Let’s get youaway from the flowers, now, okay?” Harry said, and his voice was call of the merpeopleunderwater’

And:

‘“Mmm,” Dracomurmured, peppering little kisses over his thigh. “It’s so thick.”

“Draco, I wantto try something with you,” Harry said, strained, as Draco’s fingers brushedover his actual cock for a moment before moving back to his leg. Dracopeered up at him, messy and flushed and willing.

“What?Anything, Harry,” he swore, raspy and devoted. “I’ve wanted to feel you in mefor years.”

“Fuck,” Harrysaid again, under his breath. Draco heard it and nodded quickly, hands circlingHarry’s thigh. His fingers were unable to meet in the middle, but he stroked upand down it anyway, wanking his leg very deliberately. Harry huffed a sigh.’

I lovedwriting Ten Years, and His Whole Life, but the line/scene that stands out the most to me in it is:

‘It is all thathe has always been afraid to want from this man who is everyone’s something.But now Draco is Harry’s everything (you are, you are) and he is,finally, unafraid.’

In Naked… Um. Nakedis like Balance, for me, in terms of love and pride (although where Balancetook like a month and was written with such ease I felt like I was dreaming,Naked took nearly two and almost made me grind my teeth into dust. LOL), sothis one is really hard and I legit can’t even reference my favorite scenesbecause they give away too many things about the plot. I can say one of them is Harry yelling at Draco about…something that people want to knowabout, and another is…somethinghappening over dinner, and another is…thepeople showing up and also… someonein a straight up rant… and stuff like that. Which is not helpful, so here; I’llgive you a line before anything really happens:

‘He glancesover at Draco, and looks vaguely sympathetic. “I understand this can be a newexperience. Please take your own time in finding your comfort level; we wouldnever encourage you to disrobe before you’re ready.”

“Oh, no, thiswas his idea,” Potter says, squeezing him around the ribcage so tight thatDraco’s automatic, infuriated objection is cut off as he tries to breathe. “Isaid, ‘where should we go for our honeymoon?’ and Daniel here said, ‘Harry, Iwant to take you somewhere you can be naked the entire time.’” Potter laughsand Draco steps on his foot with all of his weight, pasting on a smile. “So we’renaked all the way!”

“Oh,congratulations!” the employee says, grinning. “Please, let me send up acomplimentary bottle of champagne to your room.”

“Thanks,that’d be great,” Potter says with a grin, nuzzling Draco’s ear. Draco pinchesa bit of muscle on Potter’s back and twists it ruthlessly until Potter’s armaround him loosens.

“Yes, lovely,thank you,” Draco parrots.’

Because whodoesn’t love Harry when he’s being a confident, flirtatious nightmare of awizard, and ruffling Draco’s feathers?

Okay, that’sit. I’m pretty horrified at myself, and I feel like burying my head in the sandforever and ever, so I apologise for the length of this.  I just have trouble picking favourite scenesor lines; it’s legit near-impossible for me to do with other people’s fics,either, (although, like, ten lines just popped into my head from my fave fics,idk why), but these are some of the bits I like best about mine, so… *runs and hides*

[somberrkitty]

April 26th, 2020

This is gonna be so fucking long but life update or whatever. Also I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to open up to other people especially my own best friends but I guess this is the closest I’ll get to opening up directly for now because I definitely am a bit ashamed. 

Life at home has been getting a bit better but it is nonetheless still challenging because every now and then I reflect on the moments I had with Brian and wonder what the fuck happened? Not that I want to get back together but every single little detail ranging from being happy to unhappy still rings clear in my head not because I can’t let go but because I reminisce. Like it’s crazy to me at one point in my life I said I love you to somebody who couldn’t even learn to respect me but somehow I don’t feel like these are words I regretted saying either. I definitely remember the first time these words slid off my tongue and jeez. It’s crazy. Also crazy how I never thought I could get over Brian either but I did.

I feel like due to that experience I do find myself feeling pretty insecure about everything else. When I first started talking to Aaron in November I was still into Brian and thought that I could rebound like an asshole, didn’t want to tell any of my friends about it out of shame and kept that to myself. In January I decided I needed to fuckin’ stop being head over heels for Brian and took matters into my own hands. The same love wasn’t there anymore and I don’t know why I was fighting so hard. From then till now Aaron’s probably been my rock.

Honestly I was fuckin miserable. I lagged replying to Aaron so much and grew so distant from everybody. My grades tanked spring quarter AGAIN because family situation grew worse. My parents nearly divorced, AGAIN. And two relatives passed away within the same time frame. I cried to sleep so many times and felt so alone but didn’t want to reach out to ANYBODY because I felt like I couldn’t. I knew there were people there for me but I felt so ashamed of what I was going through. I hooked up with somebody I shouldn’t have for the second god damn time and it was so so wrong. Felt like my fucken morals flew out the window and I felt so disappointed in myself for it afterwards. There is no excuse that can justify what I did so I won’t even try to. Got a major pregnancy scare out of it and wanted to shoot myself for weeks because the plan B was not helping how I was doing mentally at all. I was so ashamed of this as well that I kept it completely private. Nearly hitting rock bottom felt like me first year all over again and I was so ashamed of talking to somebody about all of it.

Think I didn’t fully appreciate Aaron and Darina too until early February. I was supposed to go clubbing when I found out my grandpa passed. We couldn’t sell our tickets in time but Darina said she didn’t mind losing out on $20 if it meant she could chill at home with me and get my mind off my grandpa. Yasmine too. I will forever remember this. And Aaron constantly talked me through rough shit too. And in early March I started feeling like Aaron was maybe not just a rebound after all, sometimes he said some silly things that made me smile and my heart flutter a little bit. There were lots we were on the same page about. He was mature, older, he was a whole man and I was definitely lucky to know him. I definitely value practicality in relationships and everything just worked for us. He was planning on moving to OC area after graduating. Aaron was from Walnut and having him nearby when I had research at WesternU in Pomona was quite helpful as well. Then I met Roger too and shit I don’t know what the fuck to do. I really don’t. I feel like this is some immature shit but I really don’t. I made it clear to myself that Aaron and I were probably just going to be friends way early on because I needed time but after seeing what kind of connection we had I thought maybe it could be more than that.

I don’t think I actually had feelings for Aaron or anything but he’s special to me, and I know this is the lamest thing in the world but in November my cousin named Aaron passed. I cried for a week about it because I looked up to him. Somehow a week after his funeral I meet this guy named Aaron who similarly is a role model, mature, and wise. It felt like a sign from my cousin letting me know that he was there for me. I’m quite spiritual so this made me feel at peace with my cousin’s passing. My cousin was never able to properly be in my life growing up no matter how much I wanted him to, and I beat myself up for it constantly when he disappeared. He was like an older brother to me when I was growing older until we moved to Chino Hills so why wasn’t I enough? Why did he never think of how I was doing? If I was older and more mature would he have tried to open up to me before his lifestyle got to him? But it felt like he was in my life thanks to Aaron 2.0 (lol) and it eased the pain I felt from that. I tried to reconnect with him and managed to but a month later he got into a coma and this feeling I of absence I will never forget. Felt like I was Spencer James losing Corey James for the second time.

I guess this is the update. I don’t know what will happen at all for me or anybody but all I know is I do wonder where the fuck the good days went for me and Brian. I appreciate that we are good friends now. I can’t imagine us not being friends. But once you reach a certain level of comfort with somebody it’s so hard to achieve that with another and people like Aaron can tell, which makes me frustrated. Brian is somebody I raised pets with. We spent multiple days in a row together bumming it, being our most lazy, comfortable selves. Breaking away from it was so so hard. First year when personal problems grew tough I depended on Brian to be happy again but this time all my own troubles has led me to push even Brian away and made moving on easier.

At the end of the day I’m just glad I’m doing better now

[insomniatic-beauty-blog]

My year in 2017...

This year, was supposed to be my fresh start, my clean slate from all of the chaos and craziness of last year… but it didn’t turn out that way;

Ending of 2016 was the cherry on an otherwise completely shitty year. the only positive thing i had was 10 months sobriety from my eating disorder…but that was short lived–

at the end of December I was having a crappy night, my depression had been on/off and in a moment of feeling shitty, sad and totally lonely i relapsed; all of the shit I had pent up for months had been released in 1 hour;

After, I thought I’d feel better but I didn’t not even close. When I’d realized what I’d done, I felt so ashamed, I felt like crap and I was disgusted at myself…

I cried for an hour

I felt as though I had no one, I was alone at home.

I reached out to a good friend who was currently in recovery (but for different reasons). She calmed me down, told me its ok to relapse. Said not to get discouraged because 10 months was an achievement and that she was here for me always.

After that I felt a little better, but still not “Ok” another friend messaged me on tumblr to check in. I told her what happened, (a fresh round of crying included) and she listened, cheered me up and told me to Stay Strong, things will get better.

Since that night I’ve had tried & failed at doing better;

The beginning of 2017 I had a health scare. A lump was found in my right breast, Breast Cancer runs in my family, so I got it checked out, got a biopsy.

Found out I had to get it removed through surgery. Afterwards I found out it was a benign mass and not cancerous at all which was a blessing;

As the year progressed, my anxiety/depression had taken on a life of its own. It was never ending, up & down mood almost every day for months.

The drama in my household didn’t help things either.

And then i started full on relapsing with my bulimia, i was in this mindset that i just don't give a fuck!

I had no control in my life, I was basically eating my feelings and the weight gain was triggering AF. I wasn’t doing it everyday because my mom watched me like a hawk , but whenever I could sneak it I would.

Over this year I’ve also learned that not everyone is who they claim to be, their true colors show in the end and you see them for who they really are;

I don’t have many friends, I don’t trust easily. & when I form a bond with someone I take that shit to heart.

One thing I have learned is that everyone is not your friend;

The thing with me is I sometimes latch on to people easily & when I feel as though I’m being ignored or if my feelings are “played with” I will either silently cut them off or I’ll close myself off.

I have social anxiety, so even talking to other people is hard let alone making friends. I was bullied in school, I’ve been let down, betrayed (by an ex-bestfriend in the worst way. She put me through emotional hell) I’ve been ghosted LOL and also lied to;

I’m one of those people who has a big heart and will go above and beyond for any relationship or friendship because I care too much.

My biggest fear is losing anyone I deeply care for so I tend to overthink & over analyze every situation.

I let my feelings rule my head. I don't always speak up out of fear that I'm gonna hurt the other person with what I say so most of the time I'll keep how I feel to myself.

I no longer trust a person’s words because they’re pretty much FULL OF SHIT!! Actions speak louder & I’m well past over FAKE FRIENDS thing, which is why my inner circle is small;

It's the main reason i deleted my Facebook account. I know who my friends are & I know who they aren’t…One thing I refuse to do is kiss someone’s ass in hopes of holding on to a friendship, nope sorry not doing that. I'd rather be friends with someone who can & will call me out on my shit or tell me when I've fucked up. I'd rather have people in my life who are brutally honest and keep shit 💯 because honesty is the best policy.

This year has been so incredibly confusing;

My ex…..

He was my first boyfriend and only relationship

We broke up on 10/30/16

when I told him I was no longer happy it turned into a fight, when I said why he told me to stop bringing up old shit & when I said I wanted to end the relationship, he snapped on me.

He did this thing where he’d guilt-trip me or make me feel as tbough I’m in the wrong. There was one time shortly after he cheated i was going through a lot, and i suggested that we break up. And he legit went on an entire rant, saying how people don’t give up on a relationship when they’re in love, he started talking about guys in the military and how they’re like engaged or already married. Then he said, why do you think I’m with a girl like you and a bunch of other things I can’t remember and he also said; that if I quit on the relationship that i might regret it later on in life….or something along those lines

During us being on a break, I got asked out on a date; the day it happened I told him that I had accepted the invitation and that I was gonna go;

He flipped out, got jealous & then said; Ok you can go but make sure that guy knows his place and you better not hook up with him!

Now that being said its funny, because when we were together. we never went out on a date he never not once called me on the phone, always texting, he cheated on me; And fucking lied about it! Then expected me to just get over the fact that he did it to begin with, even though he apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again

He was the first guy i cried over

We were on/off for over a year & a half. It was like we kept arguing about the same shit over and over. He treated me less like a girlfriend and more like some random girl he just wanted to fuck. Like yeah we had like little things in common but we could never have a real conversation like normal people, he never opened up to me about anything. And I can’t see us starting over or getting back together because part of me still doesn’t trust him, and I can’t go to him with my mental illness because he not in so many words, basically told me HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK.

He said that he’s “dealt” with worse issues. And when i got upset after he said that and I snapped off on him, he said that I took his words out of context and that I’m overreacting for no reason.

I in all honesty couldn’t be more happier to see this year come to a close: I’ve grown a lot, realized a lot and have cut a lot of people out of my life;

I’m ready for a fresh start, so that I can work on myself mentally…

They say in life that everything happens for a reason & that GOD puts those in your life as well as removes them to teach you a lesson;

I'm starting to believe that...

I’ve given so much of myself over the years that I feel as though I have nothing left to give.

Making changes in the new year, and one of them will be to no longer take anyone else’s bullshit!

Stop taking my kindness for weakness,

I have my faults, I'm not perfect & I can acknowledge when I've fucked up...the only thing i can do is stand up with my head held high & try to correct my wrongs... I no longer feel bitter over past friendships or relationships, I'm trying to get out of that habit of getting upset or stressing over stuff that are beyond my control. I'm trying to love myself more but I'm not there yet, i guess that's a part of recovery

[greenaroo]

Sorry if this is too personal but... How did you realise you were not straight ?

Well. It’s a long story. It’s definitely not something that happened overnight. And to be quite honest, it was age 13 that I started realizing I wasn’t straight and it took a  few years afterwards to really understand. But my entire High School life was a confusing time for me.

It was about when I was 13 that my best friend, who was an online friend, confessed to me that she liked me as more than just a friend and more than just best friends. At first, I didn’t get it, but eventually, we started dating online. And it was cute. It wasn’t easy, though. The idea that the two of us were dating was unsettling to a lot of our friends. In specific, all the guys that wanted to date either her or me were jealous and began to bully or tease us in the most cruel ways they could possibly think of. So eventually, for our own health and protection, we decided to break up. But we didn’t stop feeling for each other just because others ridiculed us for it.

I didn’t try again with another girl until I hit High School. By this time, I’ve got this idea in my head that maybe I do really like girls. But I do know I like guys as well. The idea of being with a guy made me giggle and blush, about the same as being with a girl but in a different way, since I was raised Christian and the idea of being a girl who likes other girls was looked down on. And at this time, I was still going to church. It was in High School that I met my first offline girlfriend. We lasted for about a year or more. I can’t remember anymore, which kind of upsets me on some level. Because she was sweet and she cared and I cared deeply for her. But sometimes I worry I didn’t love her as much. And I know that’s bad to say, but she most definitely was not a mistake. What I did to her was a mistake. And I feel awful about my actions when I was younger, but. See, she was my first kiss. And it took me as a shock because we were perfect with each other until physical things like that came into play. I kind of froze, but was mostly shocked because she kissed me so fast and without realizing it was my first. It was cute how she pouted afterward because once she knew, she wished she’d been able to make it special.

After some time, there came a point where she wanted to go beyond what we had. Which at the time, the only physical act we did was kiss, hold hands, sleep cuddled up with each other, hug. One day, she woke up from a wet dream and began to describe a little here and there to me shyly, but she began to pressure me into the idea of doing more than I really wanted. I didn’t know how to say no. I’ve been through a lot as a kid. Maybe not that much compared to a lot of others, but it was enough on me that .. it’s just really hard to talk about. But I’ve never been good about saying no. I run away instead. So I asked my dad to pick me up and he came to get me. I went home. The next time I saw her, I didn’t have an explanation for her. So I told her I simply stopped loving her. I cried about it to myself. What hurt was knowing that I hurt her over something I couldn’t explain and was afraid to. But it wasn’t because I stopped loving her. It was because being intimate in such a way with anyone, even a guy, was scary to me and being pressured into it made me so afraid, I ran. And I was so ashamed of running, I didn’t know how to explain, which lead me to hurt her and made me feel even more ashamed of myself.I dated on and off with a lot of people after that, but nothing ever stuck afterward. A guy I once dated afterward tried to kiss me and I nearly broke my back trying to avoid it as politely as I could. I once had a guy try to hold my hand multiple times during the week we dated and I couldn’t hold onto it for very long. The next time I kissed someone, it was a girl I met online and went to visit. She said she didn’t like me back, but after a week of spending time with her, I got up the courage to ask to kiss her. She let me try. Every time I went in to kiss her lips, I missed. I got her nose, her chin, her cheeks, her forehead. I eventually gave up in a fluster and went to bed. She laughed because she found it cute, but. The next day, I was leaving. And she pulled me aside really quick and before I knew it, she drew me into a kiss. And my heart melted. In that moment, I wanted to stay. I could still feel her lips on mine hours afterwards while I was on the road back home. But that was when I was about 23 years old.I really haven’t dated anyone offline in years. I keep to myself. I’m not .. completely sure of how to explain it and I think it goes off topic for the answer here. But over the years, I’ve been exploring myself. Ever since I was 13, I started exploring who I’m attracted to and only recently have I been opened to so much more than the simple three options in life. And I’m so curious to know more about me and who I am. I do like guys. I know I give the impression here that I don’t, but I do. I’ve found myself crushing easily and day dreaming about some guys here and there. But I know I also like girls.I’m so sorry for the super extra long explanation. Lol! But if you have anymore questions about this, you’re welcome to ask. I don’t mind. If I can’t answer your questions, I’ll let you know.