#I’m reading the list over again and realized that it’s kind of a mess

[luvvixu]

mind over matter pt. 3

synopsis: witness how your marriage was bound to fall apart with you on the front seat and your husband gojo had missed the show—now, he gotta figure out the story on his own.

content: arrange marriage au, angst, husband!gojo, mean!gojo, mention of blood, strong languages, some unsettling scenarios, emotional trauma, read at your own risk

a/n: yooooo, finally an update!! thanks for waiting everyone~ i actually took a small break because my friends and i had a beach outing and that was great!

previous / masterlist / next

you feel like you had the longest dream in your entire life the moment you slowly open your eyes and reveal the white plain ceiling with matching beeping sound coming out from the machine.

it takes a second or two to realize that you're in a hospital.

like a seemingly newborn, your half lidded eyes traveled across the room until it reached the sight of some peculiar white haired male with his face buried on your arm, sleeping uncomfortably while sitting on the cold hard chair.

you could feel your whole body ache when you tried to move some parts of your body to stop it from numbing when you noticed some kind of empty feeling—like something was missing.

it did not take you a while to realize that your stomach feels so empty right now, and you know it's not because you're hungry, but because you couldn't feel your baby anymore.

an anguish screech escapes from your mouth when you realize that the baby isn't part of your body anymore. tears stream like a waterfall as your body automatically sits up and hugs your lower body, specifically your stomach, because you cannot accept the fact that your baby has been taken away from you.

this immediately woken satoru up and started to console you. “hey, hey, y/n! i’m here. i'm here.” his voice was soft and comforting but there's a hint of shakiness due to your sudden outburst.

“satoru, my baby! i can't feel my baby! my baby is gone!” as an upcoming loving mother, it hurts you so bad that you'd rather die than to accept this.

the sound of the machine keeps on loudly pulsating, meaning that your heart rate is rising quickly and it's dangerous for you to get stressed since you just came out from the operation.

“y/n! the baby is fine. our baby is fine. they were being cured by the best doctors so don't worry.” pulling your body close to his, satoru caresses your hair and keeps on murmuring some comforting words to calm you down.

but it seems that his actions were no avail when he saw your lower stomach bleeding. feels like his own blood had disappeared, his pale face becomes more paler when your extreme sadness cry turns to extremely painful cry.

his body seemingly moves on its own and presses the button to call for help while still managing to calm you down.

“where's my baby? g-give me back my baby! satoru, do something!” it pains satoru to see you like this. a whole crying mess who cannot even digest the fact that her baby was in intensive care so they can become better.

suddenly, the door in your room opened, revealing the doctor and their nurse—shoko was there too. they immediately inject you with midazolam to calm you down and it works almost instantly. satoru watches your body go limp as your wound continues to bleed.

satoru and shoko were instructed to wait outside as they transfer you to another room to tend your wounds. after you were scouted to exit the scene, satoru fell on his knees and leaned his back on the wall.

god, what did you do to deserve this kind of thing?

letting out a soft sob, satoru prayed once again—something that he just learned yesterday. he prayed that all of your pain, burden, suffering, and all must disappear because satoru couldn't list any single reason why you must suffer like this.

“you should go back at least for now, gojo. i’ll handle things here while you freshen yourself up.” shoko suggested but satoru just shook his head, refusing to leave your side.

“don't be a fucking stubborn. you still have other things to do, don't forget that.” shoko hissed.

“but i need to be by her side. i need to be there to support her whatever i can.” satoru slowly let himself up and looked shoko straight in the eye.

“do you think she still needs you to be by her side? oh please, not after what you had done.” the doctor rolled her eyes as she toys with the unlit cigarette on her lips.

for some reason, satoru was having a deja vu, it was like they're in her clinic once again and they argue where you heard things that you shouldn't have. as much as satoru would like to shut her down, he's worried that you might hear him say nasty things that he didn't mean to say.

“shoko, please…i know you're mad at me and you wanted to be hostile towards me. i actually don't care if you hurt me or insult me, just not now. i need to stand by her side and i don't need you to tell me what to do.” satoru stood up and his gaze on shoko became hard.

the doctor just tsked and decided to drop the conversation for your sake. there's a whole silence in the atmosphere when satoru suddenly thinks about your little breakdown earlier. you're looking at your child and he is too. he really wants to go to the baby but he thinks it would be better if the two of you are together.

satoru was excited to see his baby, sure. but something inside stirs up something that he personally couldn't explain. was it because he remembers your conversation when he first knew of your pregnancy? that he found himself unable to answer your questions during that night?

but whatever the reasons are, satoru was ultimately willing to ignore it and just focus on becoming a better husband and now a new father towards his child with you.

the strongest sorcerer of his generation, the one and only satoru gojo, the pride of his clan, your husband on papers, your most hated person, your child's father—swore to himself that he will treat his son as his own flesh and blood, not as the heir that will dethrone him from being the pride.

and most of them all, he swore to himself that you will be treated way, way better than everyone, specifically and especially him. satoru will patch up the wounds that he had caused you.

but not all wounds can be treated by a mere bandaid.

an hour had passed and now you're once again in your room, but this time, you're more than calm as you finally understood the situation—thanks to shoko who patiently explains everything to you.

like right now, she's standing by the end of your bed while satoru was on his seat just like the first time you saw him in this hospital. shoko carefully and softly explained what was going on with you and gave you some sort of assurance.

“you suffered from placenta abruption which caused your placenta to detach from the inner walls of your uterus. it unables the baby to receive oxygen and nutrients with the placenta detached. that is why the doctors had no choice but to put you into a cesarean delivery so it can save both of your lives.”

“and about your baby, don't worry, they're in safe hands. currently in the neonatal intensive care unit where the baby is under process of developing it since it came out during your six months of pregnancy and is premature.” she continued.

then, shoko put a hand on your shoulder, slightly massaging it to give you some comfort. “worry not, y/n. we're not going to let anything hurt your baby. they're safe here and are guarded with blessings and restrictions so no other curses or unauthorized people could touch your child.”

all this time shoko speak, your head was hanging low and it seems like you're having a hard time digesting everything. but you still get what she meant by putting you under a cesarean because it's the only way to save you and your baby's life—which you're incredibly grateful for.

“c…can i see my baby?” your tone was quite hushed, probably because you hadn't really talked to anyone after what happened to you.

shoko gently shook her head and gave you an apologetic smile. “i am so sorry, y/n. but you need to rest first and we, the doctors, recommended you to not move too much since it can open up your cesarean stitches once again.”

to everyone’s relief, you nodded at her words, like you agreed to get better first before seeing your child.

“alright, i gotta excuse myself now. i have an appointment later this afternoon.” shoko gives you a smile before sending a knowing gaze at the man beside you, saying ‘you better not forget that you still have other things to do’ look.

“mhm. take care and thank you for helping me during all of this, shoko.” you replied tried to return the same smile but it only reached a have, you just wished she could feel your sincerity towards her.

“i don't accept thank you’s, yet. i can only accept it if i see you in a much better condition. so if you want me to say you're welcome, then get better.” her words make you giggle a little but you take that as a note.

giving you a one last smile and a secretive glare at your husband, she finally left the scene…and that leaves you two, you and your husband. silence engulfs the whole room, only the sound of your beeping monitor keeps on echoing and adds awkwardness to the atmosphere.

you take a small peak at satoru who's looking at an empty space somewhere, looking like he's in a deep thought. you're not sure if you want to talk to him or not, but taking the preceding events from earlier, you see no reason.

on the other hand, satoru was lost in his thoughts because he's trying to construct everything that he needed to say to you. he's kinda bad at impromptu when it comes to you and mostly forgot his points and other subtopics because he's being blinded by the emotions that keeps on distracting him.

satoru also noticed your small gazes towards him and it feels like you're not planning to talk to him first, so he finally initiated a conversation.

“do you feel any pain in your body?” he asked you.

however, it took you a while to answer because you're not sure if your following responses are gonna be normal, sarcastic, or not answering at all. but you choose the first one because the two other choices would most likely put you into stress and makes your healing process becomes slower.

“my tummy hurts but i'm fine…and i'm also hungry.” you replied, that's it.

satoru was glad that you're answering him…well. anyway, he smiled at you and carried on with the conversation. “if the pain gets worse or it causes you discomfort, you must tell me immediately. and about that hunger, we still need to wait at least eight hours for you to eat something heavy. but for now, you can only take liquids and…the doctor said you could eat oatmeal and eggs—maybe we should get that. the doctor also to avoid greasy food and it would take at least six weeks for you to recover, and then…what are the other things he said again?”

while satoru was busy yapping, you slowly think that he's speaking to himself more than he's speaking to you because of how concentrated he looked and it somehow brings some sort of warmth in your chest because he really tries himself to remember all of the things that the doctors had prescribed him for you.

“satoru…” you called out to him, but he's still busy talking about do’s and don'ts and keeps on going while you occasionally call his name.

“satoru.” he's still busy talking.

“...satoru?” yep, still talking.

his yappings are getting too long and you're running out of thin patience, so you hold into his arms and that makes him look at you and stop talking instantly. breathe in relief, you finally stopped him from his own shenanigans.

“i—i’m sorry, i talked too much.” satoru awkwardly chuckles to himself, but you just shrugged it off. “anyway, what is it?” he asked.

“satoru, i was wondering…how did i end up here? all i know is i was in my room, i feel my tummy hurts really bad and it got me so worried about my baby. then all of the sudden, there's blood seeping down on my legs then everything black out.” you said.

“well…” then satoru proceeds into another minutes of yapping about what happened based on what they had said to him back then. you'd understand that yuuji and megumi were planning to cheer you up by a surprise room visit when they smelled blood and that made them instantly realize that something was going on with you. so they called shoko and yaga to break into the room, and there they saw you lying in your own pool of blood.

nodding slowly, the question that was formed because of the preceding events were finally put into the end. “oh, so that's what happened. anyways, do you think yuuji and megumi could be here tomorrow? i wanted to thank them.”

“sure. i’ll come with them tomorrow. but now, let's get you some light foods so you can sleep tonight.” satoru stood up but he froze as his feet were not walking. you watch him turn back to you while you give him a confused look.

“will you be alright being alone for like…five minutes? i’m just gonna be quick and get you some food. i promise i’ll be back before you know it.” you just let him do what he wants and just continue watching him. satoru looked at you for a long seconds, rather seemingly so hesitant. but you told him you'll be fine and just do his thing, so satoru assured you once again that he'll be back then uses his teleportation.

now, you're alone (for a while) in this room. your thoughts wandered towards your baby who you knew is in the same building as yours. you really want to run towards that room where they are located but you forcefully shut yourself because it'll just make things worse. you're still in the process of healing and you want to be at your strongest when you're with your baby.

but something was still arguing inside your head. it's the desire to run towards your child and the desire to get better—

“y/n.”

“shit!”

something—no, someone was suddenly in the room. it was satoru who's pouting at you like a puppy who got lost. his sudden appearance makes the beeping machine beside you go wild as you curse out profanity because you're that shocked.

thankfully, your heart beat becomes normal again and nothing bad happens. but you'll be sure to send out a death glare to your husband who's still pouting.

“what the actual fuck, satoru?! do you want me to die of a heart attack?!” you glared at him, still your hand is at your chest.

“i'm sorry about that. but i cannot bring myself to leave you like that even for a minute.” he said.

“i told you i'll be fine. you don't need to guard me 24/7 anyway, so go and grab or do whatever you want.”

“no!” satoru whined…and that surprises you, because this might be the first time you saw him whine like a child, especially without any involvement of alcohol or sugar to activate this kind of his system. this was just a new sight to you.

“then how are you going to get some food?”

“i’ll just have them deliver it here.”

“seriously? you're going to order and deliver oatmeal and eggs?” your eyes were wide at his crazy idea. like yeah seriously, for an oatmeal and eggs? he could literally get it from a convenience store.

“what? i'm gonna order some food for myself too, you know.” he pouts, again.

“okay, you order your food online. and we'll get mine at a convenience store.”

“what? no! i told you i don't want to leave you alone.”

“then i’ll come with you. we'll go and buy my food together if you're really that worried about leaving me alone.” you said sarcastically.

“what the hell is that suggestion? absolutely not!” satoru gasps. he's so dramatic.

“well then, i’ll just starve!” you huff at him before turning your head away from him.

“i—wait, i'm sorry. i really can't force myself to be away from you. i'm just scared that when i'm gone even for just a minute, s-something might happen again and i’m not there to help you out instantly.” the sad look on his face is back, similar to what he looked like when he confronted you in the hallway.

after hearing his explanation, you turned back to him and said, “there are things that come unexpectedly. you cannot also force yourself to stick with just in case an emergency would occur, you'd be there. for all that i know, you still have other things to do, like you have your priorities.”

“but you're my priority,” he said seriously. well that caught you off guard.

“whatever, just go and get me some food.” you brush it off.

“...”

“...ok.”

the night ended with satoru eating his ordered food happily while you were still glaring at the man because he really stick to his words and ordered your food online instead of just running to a convenience store or buying the hospital once. although, it makes you wonder, how is there a plain, plain! oatmeal and a boiled egg that has been selling online?

well, whatever it is, at least your hunger has lessened and your relationship with satoru has gotten…at least a little better.

[part 4 is up tomorrow! and you know the drill, for those who would like to be added to the taglist , just comment — ©luvvixu2024]

taglists: @mistymuii @kalopsia-flaneur @sherryuki-callmeyuki @aish777 @tttttttf @username23345 @slyhersophia @netyxms @rirk-ke @lvstru @roscptalsaa @labelt-san @shinruo @yaninnaacu @testrella @sad-darksoul @kurookinnie @mountvesuvu @chwesuh-imnida @cole-silas @elernity @buttermilktea11 @berenevenstarzetaestelar @maddie-jayne @yozora7154 @kawaiivillainess98 @jiupark @forourpoets @aishies-stuff @numblytemporary @souyasplushie @hotsauce247 @catarinemirandax @aerithsthingss @h1gh4ru @ssetsuka @jskodn @khoiyyu @the2ndl @veryverysadauthor @vebbiewuzhere @kouyoumarryme @dreamyescapesfromreality @local-mr-frog @haesify @openthenyoor01 @blkmystery @slowlyshycomputer @babybarbs12 @thickemadame @bleppt @leavem3al0n3 @arminloverlol @roscpctals99 @megumisthirdog @shirabane @skepticalleo @sheismaryy @tragicgirl444

a/n: istg guys i'm trying my hardest to get y'all tagged but some really did not appear when i @ your blogs huhu. but don't worry, that won't stop me from tagging y'all, so i am just going to manually mentioned you on every chapter update ;)

[scoonsalicious]

7.4 Bucky*

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Summary: Lily McIntyre, trainer for new SHIELD recruits at the Avengers Tower, has been in love with her best friend, Bucky Barnes, from the moment she met him. She's been content with her role of the #1 girl in Bucky's life, even if it means she has to sabotage a romantic relationship or two. It'll be worth it when he realizes that they're meant for each other, right? There's just one small problem: Lily McIntire never expected Bucky Barnes to fall for You.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, Explicit Sexual Content Minors: GTFO; I don’t serve your kind here (hand stuff(f receiving))

Word Count: 1.3k

Previously On...: You got it on. In the woods.

A/N: Ugh, my beautiful long weekend is over. No more days off from work until Junteenth.

If you ever feel so inclined to support my work, hop on over to buy me a coffee; it's much appreciated! <3

NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when new story parts drop, please follow @scoonsaliciousupdates

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

“I’m gonna end up falling in love with you,” she had said to him, and Bucky could barely believe his ears. He made love to her again, under the stars, assuring her with every thrust, every kiss, every caress, that he felt the same. 

After he’d taken her apart once more, he’d grabbed his discarded shirt and dipped it into the stream. Wringing out the excess water, he brought the wet cloth back and used it to gently clean her folds. He’d made such a mess of her, but the sight of his seed oozing from her core was one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen. It was all he could do to keep himself from bending down and using his fingers to push it all back inside of her, where it belonged, where he wanted it to always belong, from now on. 

But there would be time for that, later. 

For now, he helped her dress, and using the combined lights of the flashlights on their phones, they managed to collect the rest of the picnic gear and made their way out of the clearing, hand in hand, and back to the parking lot, Major leaning against his arm and occasionally letting out a contented sigh that filled Bucky’s heart.

When they reached their cars, Bucky was surprised to see Major had arrived in a pickup truck. “Not sure what kind of car I was expecting for you, sugar,” he said with a laugh, “but a pickup wasn’t it.”

With a smile, Major lovingly patted the truck’s hood. “Yeah, wasn’t my first choice, honestly, but when I  started my business, I needed something that could transport shit to The WarZone from our suppliers. It’s grown on me, though. Speaking of,” she added, her face falling a little, “I should probably head home; it’s already nine o’clock, and I have to work tomorrow.”

Bucky felt his heart sink. The last thing he wanted to do was say goodnight to her. “Spend the night at the Compound with me,” he offered again, bringing his hands to her waist. “It’s closer than your place, and I don’t want to say goodbye to you just yet.” He brushed a strand of hair away from her face and offered his most pleading puppy dog look. “I can bring you back to your truck in the morning.”

Major sighed in feigned reluctance. “I suppose I could be a little late tomorrow,” she admitted. “I think my boss will understand. I happen to know for a fact that she’s quite fond of your dick, so she might make an exception if I tell her I was out late riding it all night.”

Bucky laughed and pulled her to his chest. God, he loved the feeling of her as she wrapped her arms around him, the way she seemed to fit perfectly into the dips and curves of his body. 

“To hell with it,” he heard her mumble into his chest. “I’m gonna take the day off tomorrow.” 

Bucky pulled back and looked down at her, trying hard to stifle the grin that was threatening to spread across his face. “Are you sure, sugar?” he asked her. “I don’t want you putting your business in any kind of jeopardy because I’m trying to be a bad influence.”

Major shook her head and smiled at him. “Honestly, things over there run so smoothly now, I don’t need to be as involved as I am. I just like keeping an eye on things because, well, the business is my baby, you know?” Bucky nodded, he did understand; she’d devoted so much of her life to making it a success. “So, I can afford to take a day off here and there to spend time with you,” she said. 

Bucky grinned and pulled her in for a kiss. “Since you’re playing hooky and don’t need to worry about being home early,” he said, “how ‘bout we finally eat dinner? You’ve got to be starving.”

Major let out a low groan. “God, yes, please. Don’t get me wrong, I fully enjoyed our alternative activities, but damn, boy– you had me working up an appetite.”

“Gimme one minute,” Bucky said. He hauled the picnic basket into the back of Major’s truck and spread the blankets along the bed. He grasped Major by the hips and gently lifted her over the tailgate before hopping in, himself. He propped up some pillows against the back of the cab, and sat down against them, spreading his legs and motioning for Major to sit between them, with her back to his bare chest. He then rummaged through the basket and retrieved their forgotten sub sandwiches and lemonades. 

While they ate, Bucky pointed out constellations to Major, telling her the stories behind the figures in the night sky. He loved how much more could be seen out here than back in the city. He’d always loved space, and Major listened to him with rapt attention, asking thoughtful and poignant questions, letting him know that she was both paying close attention to everything he said, and that she admired his interest. 

“You’d make an excellent astronomer,” Major commented, after Bucky had pointed out the tiny dot that was Neptune, far off in the unfathomable distance.

“When I was a kid, that’s what I wanted to be when I grew up,” he confessed with a nostalgic smile. He’d never told anyone that before– not even Stevie. When you were a kid from Brooklyn, growing up during what would become known as The Great Depression, the idea of making a career out of looking at stars seemed so fanciful as to be almost insulting. Bucky had known there was no future in the cosmos for him, only a life of hard, manual labor, doing what he needed to do to put food on the table for his family.

Only, that never even came to fruition, either. One measly letter from Uncle Sam had ripped away all his dreams, and his reality.

“Well, it’s never too late for a career change,” Major said, her tone only half teasing. “I mean, you’re only in your early hundreds. You’ve got time.”

And now, here was Major, simultaneously both reality and dream, and when she said he could be an astronomer, she had Bucky believing it.

Once their food was finished, though, Bucky couldn’t resist sliding a hand down the waistband of Major’s jean shorts, seeking out the warmth and wetness of her folds.

“Bucky!” Major sucked in a breath as she arched her back into his chest. “Fuck!” He slid two of his flesh fingers inside of her, working them in and out at a leisurely pace with one hand, while his vibranium hand pointed out the stars of one of the smallest constellations, Delphinius.

“That’s the Dolphin,” Bucky told her as she grasped onto his forearm to support herself. “The stars aren’t very bright, but the myth is that Poseidon– doll, how can you pay attention if you keep squirming like that?” He knew she couldn’t see him, so he had no need to hide the mischievous smirk that covered his face.

“Bucky,” Major whined, and god, how Bucky loved the sound of it. He brought his lips to the crux of her neck and shoulder.

“I’m trying to teach you about the stars, doll, and your mind’s completely elsewhere,” he teased. He brought his vibranium arm down to join his flesh hand, and used it to work her clit, until Major was a crying, shaking mess in his arms.

“I’ve got you, sweet girl,” he assured her as she came down from her high. He made sure to hold her close to him, loving how her whole body shook with the aftershocks of her pleasure. Pleasure that he had coaxed from her. 

“You are a bad boy, Bucky Barnes,” Major said with a laugh once she’d found her voice again. “And you definitely do not play fair.”

“If you think I’m bad now,” he offered with a grin as he kissed the top of her head, “just wait until you see how bad I’m going to be when I get you back to the Compound.”

<- Previous Part / Next Part ->

[hannahbarberra162]

As unlikely as it is, now I'm just thinking about someone trying to assassinate the reader in an attempt to sabotage Whitebeard's recovery. Whether it's someone who somehow knows of you coming across you one of the few times you're allowed off the ship(with supervision of course) or if it's Teach trying to kill you after Thatch so Pops will be weaker for Marineford

You nonnies are so talented!! You’re making me wanna write more of the story. I didn’t plan for more than this one shot so if I do I’m gonna have to think about the story arc. 

There’s no way Marco is letting you off that ship. Maybe if you held hands the entire time (yandere when?). You’re literally Whitebeard’s lifeline, you’re the most precious thing on that ship. That being said, I could see your idea being one of two things.

Blackbeard, like you mentioned. He would try for sure to weaken WB through some kind of underhanded dealing. That’s his style throughout the story. I don't know if he would have enough time between killing Thatch / getting away but he's crafty so maybe.

Assassins from Donquixote Doflamingo. There’s a theory (which I support) that WB’s medicine was supplied from Joker / Doflamingo.  So Doflamingo might hear through an insider that you’re helping WB’s recovery with your blood. Doflamingo obviously isn’t coming himself, not his style. He wouldn’t send someone who was notably connected to his crew - he’s not going to provoke WB outright. But he'd send someone strong to try his luck.

If someone tries, the WB crew is going to go ballistic. First of all, you’re needed for Pops's sake, so messing with you is messing with WB. Also, it’s like kicking a puppy. You’re defenseless and just a civilian who didn’t ask to be on their ship. But you’re their defenseless civilian. So expect a full retaliation from an Emperor’s crew.

You were shaking uncontrollably, still curled up in Marco’s arms. Even though the attack had probably lasted less than a minute, you couldn’t stop replaying the moments over and over in your head. You’d been reclining in your chair, like always, arm outstretched as blood was taken from your arm. You’d been reading quietly, enjoying your new story about escaping from a guarded tower. You coughed once, trying to clear your throat from something that had started bothering it. Coughing didn’t help so you took a sip of water from your cup. That made everything worse, you were gasping for air, unable to breathe. It felt like your throat was closing quickly, leaving no room for air to enter as you tried to get in a breath of air. You twisted around, ripping the IV out of your arm, trying to get in a better position to breathe. You felt like you were drowning without being in the water as spots started forming in your vision. Outside of the window you saw an unfamiliar face making some kind of movement with his hands. He was watching you disinterestedly, like your death was something that needed to be checked off a to do list. 

You were on the verge of passing out when blue flames entered your peripheral vision. A moment later and your throat opened, allowing you to take in gulps of air. You sucked in as much as you could, trembling with the effort. Soon you felt Marco’s hands roving over your body, checking you for damage.

“It’s alright, you’re going to be ok. Take a deep breath yoi.” You couldn’t - you couldn’t get enough air in and what if you stopped breathing again it felt like you were dying. You felt Marco pick you up and situated you on his lap as he sat himself on the floor. He held you and rubbed your back, trying to get you to breathe deeply. You’d never been so close to Marco before, he was warmer than you expected. After a while your breathing deepened and you belatedly realized you were covered in blood from when you ripped out the tubing.

“I’m sorry that happened to you yoi. It won’t happen again.” 

“Who was that?” 

“Doesn’t matter now. Just focus on relaxing.” You tried your best but surviving your first assassination attempt was harrowing. A few moments later an angry Ace entered the room. “Full Commander meeting in five minutes. Exterior breach, devil fruit user. Prepare for escalation.” Marco fired off his statements to Ace, who nodded and left. “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of everything,” Marco said, planting a kiss on the top of your head to your surprise. “No one hurts our little bird.”

[neutron-stars-collision]

Waiting for the Night

Bruce Wayne x F!Reader

Chapter 17 - While most of me is still intact

Masterlist; Chapter 16 Summary: The aftermath of the flood. Warnings: Swearing, canon-typical violence (only a mention), angst™️. Author's Notes: I am back 🙈 Still writing, still here, only it's slow and for that I'm sorry. If that's any consolation, this chapter is long. 8k long. It's fluffy too, because it seems my idiots needed some respite before the ultimate conclusion... I'm still not sure how many more chapters till the end, since this one was supposed to be longer. But I'm definitely going to finish the series. Until then, thank you for sticking around and let me know what you think? 💕 Tag list: @thecraziestcrayon, @kookiewastolen, @imimsy, @tuskens-mando, @sugarcoated-lame, @blue-aconite, @hypnoash, @rabbitdictionary, @nicklet94, @mcrmarvelloki, @shimmeringgrim, @ttae-yong, @freyadruid, @siriuslydestiny, @ms-dont-care, @raphaelaisabella, @itsmytimetoodream, @brightjimini, @castellandiangelo (let me know if you wanted to be removed/added).

Once upon a time, an image had been planted in your mind, the biblical allegory for a hopeful intervention. The Red Sea parted precisely when safe passage was needed. Something you never once dreamt of seeing with your own cynical eyes. Until the election night in rainy Gotham. Until the metal railing was biting into your hand, the cold seeping into your bones. The fear was so familiar you could no longer tell it apart from anything else.

Until the dark and murky waters below had been lit with a single red flare, the unmistakable shadow of Vengeance wading through the sea toward the stage. He was alright. Your hand relaxed on the railing as a collective gasp rushed through your small party. Your gaze inadvertently found Selina, taking in the worry on her face, the palpable terror you could feel coursing through your veins, too. When she turned to look at you, you quickly dropped your eyes back onto the scene underneath.

Bruce made it to the stage and began extracting those trapped underneath from within the mess of steel and debris. In the background, you could hear Gordon calling in for backup and choppers, and medical staff for the wounded. The bustle of the police forces intensified, and you knew it was just a matter of seconds till you would be addressed. Till the reality would have to catch up with what had unfolded.

It seemed like you were not the only one with the realization. A muffled shout behind made you turn to find the source, finding Gordon leaning over the railing on the other side of the bridge. You quickly crossed the space to join him, watching as Selina leapt down the ladders and constructions. Her body filled with feline grace you could barely fathom.

“You’re going to do that too?” the gruff voice cut through your consciousness, turning to see Gordon staring at you pointedly.

Despite the weariness and exhaustion, you could not help but crack a wry smile:

“Nah, I don’t fancy dying tonight,” and, then, just as an afterthought you could not hold back, you added, “I’m not that good,”

You really weren’t. It was nearly impossible to ignore the running thoughts, the questions piling in your head, begging to be answered. Like: what if you never showed up on the bridge? What if Bruce never saw you? And what did Selina have to do with all of it?

You did not dare hope it was the last you would ever hear or see of her. The universe was never quite that kind. Or generous.

“Well, I’m glad because I want to talk to you sometime. Once it all quietens a little,” not allowing your brain to go on a tangent, the cop’s conversational tone was once again the one to bring you back to the present.

“What like a witness statement?” you eyed him suspiciously, never the one to eagerly enter the police station and confess your thoughts at the white desk of shame.

But there was no cunning to be found in his face as Gordon nodded:

“You can call it that” as if reading your thoughts, he cracked a wry grin of his own “Don’t worry, you’re not a suspect,”

Perhaps Bruce was right, and he was one of the decent ones. A lone bastion of decency in the GCPD ranks, if you will.

“I should hope not,” you levelled him with one final hard look, hoping to show that you would not be easily intimidated, police forces or not.

One alliance, pulling you right into the centre of this mess was quite enough. And you could not even pretend you were willing to let go of Bruce. It simply was not happening.

Before you could contemplate the logistics of getting back home with the streets flooded, Gordon broke the silence again:

“For now, wait here. I’ll send someone with you to get your head checked out and to get you home safely” only once reminded of it, you felt the throbbing pain pulsing through your skull.

“Police escort, huh?” rolling your eyes, you allowed the uncertainty to speak, “Am I that important?”

The question was not aimed at Gordon. But he was there, and the only person you wanted to ask was… unavailable.

Judging by the expression on his face, you were very transparent on the matter. James threw one look at the stage below and turned away with a simple statement:

“It seems like to him, you are,”

He left you with the words resonating in your head, unaware of the consequences. Unaware of the fact that the statement would haunt you for hours to come. Until you could look into Bruce’s eyes and ask him too.

***

Hours passed since leaving the Garden until you could finally step through the doors leading into the Wayne Tower. Sometime between the fifteen minutes spent at the back of an ambulance (no head trauma, sweetie, but take it slow for a couple of days) and the police car, you decided not to go home. Directing the cops to a random street near the tower, you lied through your teeth, pretending this was home and they could leave you alone. Luckily, they were eager to comply. The excuse you had prepared in the quiet of your mind was that you were safer there. And conveniently more likely to find Bruce once he made it back.

The list of things that needed attending was getting longer as you crept through the familiar foyer and into the creaking lift. You had to call the hospital and inquire after Alfred, the worry gnawing at your heart relentlessly. You were hoping you would stumble upon Dory, too, wanting to let her know Bruce was relatively unharmed. Some dry clothes would have been nice, as well.

Some of those prayers had been answered, for as soon as you stepped into the study, you noticed the warm lamp glow by the bookshelves. One of the armchairs was occupied. As you crept closer, you could easily discern Dory curled up in the chair, her head propped on the backrest, eyes closed. She was dozing. A soft smile spread over your face as you closed the distance and whispered:

“Hey, it’s me” even with all the softness you could procure, Dory sat up startled.

You watched as her wide gaze slowly gave way to recognition and relief. A tentative smile inched its way across your face as she stood up from the armchair and gathered you into a tight hug:

“I’m so happy to see you, darling. I wanted to call someone, but I didn’t have your number, and master Wayne wasn’t picking up. I was so worried” Dory’s voice was smothered by the embrace, yet you heard it well enough to feel the tears gather in your eyes.

Blinking them away, you gave the older woman a final squeeze and stepped back. It was nearly impossible to ignore the uptick of fondness and the part of your brain that already forgot what it was like to be cared for. What it felt like to be important to someone.

“I know. I’m sorry it took me so long” swallowing down the emotions, you sank into the nearest armchair and allowed yourself to relax.

For the first time in hours. Only now, you could feel just how much everything hurt.

The subtle wince did not escape Dory’s worried eyes as she scanned you intently before settling on a question:

“Are you alright?” she added another as you opened your mouth to speak, “Were you there when…?”

She need not finish it.

“Yes, I had a front-row seat to the whole ordeal… I’m fine, though” shrugging halfheartedly, you chose to ignore the aching body and the tarnished confidence; instead, you aimed for another reassuring smile as you added, “Bruce is alright too, he um… helped people there. I’ll wait for him tonight” noticing the dark circles underneath her eyes, you made sure to soften your voice “You can get some rest; I’ve got it all covered,”

It took one long look between you for Dory to agree. She stood up slowly, gathering her bearings and casting one final glance around the space. And then back at you. Eyes filled with fondness you could barely process without bursting into tears.

“Thank you” as if pulled by an invisible string, you got up and allowed her to take your hand between her palms and squeeze it tightly, “He’s lucky to have you,” the sentiment was uttered with enough sincerity to make your heart ache.

A protest was ready to be launched, but you tried to push it down, unable to look away from Dory. From the look in her eyes begging you to accept it as a fact. You closed your eyes to gather your thoughts, knowing it was futile anyway.

“I’m not sure he agrees, but… I’ve always been hard to get rid of” shrugging helplessly, you opened them again only to turn away with a wry smile.

You could not stand it anymore. The housekeeper must have taken the hint, for she gathered the rest of her things and left the room without another word. For once, the loneliness did not hurt too bad.

***

After that, you moved like a ghost through the tower. Careful not to dwell on your actions, you slipped into Bruce’s bedroom to find spare, dry clothes. The set he gave you days before was still there, carefully laid on the chair as if he did not want to put it in the washing yet. That, too, was a thought best left in the dark. Hoping he would not mind, you put them on and dared yourself not to linger as everything there reminded you of his presence and of the safety you were not sure you deserved in the slightest. But it did not matter. You promised Dory to wait upon him, and so were going to do just that.

Calling the hospital was a much easier feat to achieve. It did help to discover that the last time Bruce was visiting Alfred, he had put down your name as someone trusted, and hence it took no effort on your side to get information. What mattered was that he was safe. It took the invisible weight off your chest as you collapsed into a chair in the kitchen and rested your forehead on the cold marble.

It took a great deal of self-persuasion to make a sandwich your stomach badly needed and to convince yourself you should wait downstairs in Bruce’s underground station. That way, you would know exactly when he arrived and could see him right away. And there was no telling when that would happen. Eschewing the importance of clocks and watches, you took a blanket from the sofa in the study and got in the lift to take you down.

The shiver shook your body as the chill of the underground station hit you in the face. Careful not to pay much attention to the late hour or the temptation of everything scattered around the place, you curled up in one of the chairs and burrowed in the blanket. Before long, you were sound asleep.

Waking up was no less jarring. One moment, you were dead to the world, lost in the nonsensical dreams that offered no comfort, and the next, an engine roar made you jerk awake with a start. When your senses adjusted to reality, Bruce was in front of you, the vehicle door closing behind him. He was still wearing full armour, standing motionless as if arrested by your gaze. Just as you were rendered frozen by his.

He was the first to make a move, raising his arms with a quiet groan to take off the cowl. The motion mussed his dark hair, making it fall in disarray over his forehead. Over the attentive eyes, now encircled with smudged black eyeshadow. Your heart stuttered in your chest. A traitorous blush spread over your cheeks as you fought to keep looking him in the eyes, hoping Bruce would not notice the internal crisis.

A flash of surprise followed by recognition and a faint smirk twisting his lips blew those hopes with the wind of your embarrassment. But you did not have enough time to dwell on it. Your legs finally became unstuck as you started closing the gap, exactly when Bruce came to the same conclusion. You met in the middle, bodies colliding almost chaotically, except for the needs controlling every movement. His arms encircled your waist, pulling you flush against him. Your own hands came to rest on his shoulders. Eyes met for a split second to fulfil the soul’s desire before Bruce delved in for a kiss.

You gasped, pressing against him, instantly opening your mouth underneath his prodding tongue, giving in to the longing sizzling in your veins. It was easy to slide your tongue alongside his, to let your teeth nibble on his lower lip, revelling in the groan he let out. To press your hand to his cheek, pouring the feelings into the kiss, hoping the message would get through. That you missed him. That you loved him, against all hope and reason. That all you wanted was for this to last. Somehow.

Perhaps it did get through. Perhaps Bruce understood if the way he kept chasing after your lips was anything to go by. Kissing you with all his might, devouring your mouth like a dying man. Like there was no hope left. Nothing but this. But you.

You only broke the kiss when you could hardly breathe, taking half a step back but keeping your hand caressing his cheek lightly. Bruce whined quietly, his hold reluctantly easing to let you go. When your eyes met again, it was impossible not to exhale sharply, shocked to the core by the depth of yearning in his gaze. Mirroring your move, Bruce cupped your face with careful fingers, wincing as soon as he felt the cold skin:

“God, you’re freezing” the slight rasp in his voice was another reason for the stumble in your heartbeat.

Leaning into his palm, you cracked a wry smile and shrugged:

“Yeah, well… You forgot to turn the heating on” your grin widened upon seeing Bruce's faint smile, yet you chose not to dwell on it, “Sorry, I fell asleep” feeling the awkwardness slipping in, you took another half-a step back.

But Bruce did not let you. The arm he kept around your waist stayed right where it was, making it impossible to move further away. You could only stare back as his eyes worriedly scanned your face, looking for any signs of pain. When he found nothing apparent, Bruce gently cupped the back of your head and asked:

“Are you alright? Is-” you could barely tolerate the concern you saw in his eyes, so you stopped him before another word could get out.

Before you got used to being treated like you mattered to someone.

“I’m fine. Got checked up, no head trauma, so as good as it gets” another shrug, taking over the inability to deal with everything you were feeling; you scanned his face with a scrutinous glare before settling on a simple statement, “You, on the other hand, look terrible” proving the point, you dragged your hand through his knotted hair, unable to fight off the fond smile.

The offence you had been awaiting never came. Instead, Bruce mirrored your uncertain smile and sighed, evidently letting go of the invisible weight perched upon his shoulders. His body sagged just a fraction as he finally let go of you and replied:

“I feel like it too” as if not knowing what to do with himself, his gaze ventured over the equipment in the station with palpable restless energy, “I wanted to check up on Alfred, but-”

It felt good to be able to offer him some solutions. You cut right into his sentence, briefly summarizing the discoveries:

“No need, I already called them. He’s safe. Their ICU is on higher floors, so they managed to keep the water under control. They’ll let us know when it’s alright to visit him” running out of steam, you remembered one last crucial bit of information; all the while ignoring how it felt to have Bruce’s eyes fixed on your face with intent, “Caught up with Dory, too, and told her to go to bed,”

You could never have foreseen the reaction to your recap. Before you could do as much as blink and find a new way of filling the silence, a blanket was draped over your shoulders. You whirled around with a gasp, meeting Bruce’s soft stare with wide eyes of your own. He only nodded, answering your unasked question.

“Thank you. I really mean it” seeing the gratitude in his eyes, you could only offer him another tight-lipped smile before turning away to conceal the blush spreading over your cheeks.

You wrapped yourself tighter in the blanket and shot back the remaining two revelations you felt Bruce should know. Those were harder to say out loud without hesitation.

“Um… Gordon wants me to visit him in a few days, so… yeah,” taking his silence as all the encouragement you would get, you added; voice wavering pathetically, “And Selina got away, unfortunately… Sorry about that”

Any idiot would have been able to detect the glaring lack of compassion in the sentence. Not for her, anyway. And Bruce Wayne was many things, but definitely not an idiot.

As if seeing right through the bullshit in your head, he laid a careful hand on your shoulder and forced you to face him. The haunting blue eyes stared into the depths of your soul as his fingers inched higher, caressing your neck in tentative strokes. Unable to maintain eye contact, you squeezed your eyes shut just in time to hear the murmur:

“I don’t care” the sheer conviction in his voice was almost enough to make you believe him.

Almost. Gathering the remains of courage, you chose to face Bruce again:

“She saved your ass up there. You don’t have to pretend it’s nothing” you could tell that bitterness was seeping through each word, the resignation forcing you to stop the rouse, even if just for the moment, “Not for my sake, anyway,”

The flash of annoyance in Bruce’s eyes was almost enough to keep you there. He sighed with frustration before surprising you for the umpteenth time within the past quarter of an hour. Tipping your chin so you could not escape his gaze, Bruce closed the gap to lay a gentle kiss on your parted lips. He leaned back before you could think of chasing after him. The steel-like resolve is still there, written in his blue eyes and the clench of his sharp jaw. As if he was done with your nonsense and yet unwilling to let you go. It was another thing to get you hooked on, so you could never dream of getting over him. As if.

“I’m not pretending. The only person I wanted to see after it all was you” the sincere statement is the one to cut through your internal monologues.

The force of it was enough to rejuvenate the blush on your face and to bring back the stutter in your voice. You stepped back out of his grasp and dropped your gaze to the floor. How did he dare?

“… okay, I… We should go to sleep I think” how eloquent, goddamn it, “You must be exhausted,” it was as good an excuse as you could ever find.

You knew Bruce saw right through it. His eyes flickered over your face with something unidentifiable, but it was clear he had given up. Instead, he found something else to fret over. It became apparent the moment he looked at you helplessly, hands gesturing at the armour with something close to shyness:

“Could you… could you help me get out of this?” his blush had synced up with yours.

One glance at all the different straps and fastenings holding together the upper part of his suit was enough to make you understand. You only nodded, already dropping the blanket on the chair and approaching him with a blank expression. Wordlessly asking for pointers.

The next fifteen minutes had been spent on the painstakingly slow process of disassembling the armour. Quiet was only disrupted by Bruce’s directions, patiently narrating the process so that you knew what you were doing. It was almost pleasant to be this close to him without any pressure of time or case needed solving. Feeling the trust and knowing that this experience was not one many have lived. Perhaps only Alfred had done it before for him. Albeit selfish, the thought gave you comfort. And the courage to think about what came after. About what you wanted (and needed) to offer.

Placing the breast plating on the rack Bruce showed you, you hesitated, eyes slipping over his torso, still hidden by a black shirt. You knew you had been caught once you noticed him stare at you back, head cocked to the side in silent question. There was no point stalling anymore.

“I can stay with you… in your room, if you’d like that” as soon as the words left your mouth, you winced, internally berating yourself for every one of them, “Just to sleep, of course. I don’t… I know you wouldn’t-” the ramblings were cut off with a simple whisper carrying your name.

Making you glance back up at Bruce, at his smile and kind eyes that showed no malice. None of the feared sneer either.

“I’d like it very much” a relieved sigh was inescapable.

As was the flustered smile and maddeningly fast pulse pounding in your ears. It was part of the deal, unfortunately.

You were the first one to break the sickly-sweet exchange of giddy smiles. For the first time in a while, that hopeful spark in your chest was not unwelcome. You allowed yourself to feel it burn as you grinned at Bruce:

“Good. Me too” your lips twisted into a smirk, one Bruce was so familiar with, as you dropped your voice to a faux seductive timbre, “As far as I recall, you’re quite a comfy pillow, hun,”

The delighted laughter you got in return for the nickname was worth the faint headache. And the battered heart.

***

The awkwardness crept back in before you could get in bed and get lost in the dream world. Sometime between getting into Bruce’s bedroom, closing the door, and settling in for the night, everything became harder to ignore. Like the extent of the bruises underneath his shirt, the sheer uncertainty that lays after the flood and the closeness between you that was still terrifying. Having convinced Bruce to let you rub the ointments into the worst of bruising, you settled in between the pillows while he disappeared into the bathroom to get changed. It gave you time to manage the inexplicable spike of anxiety that began to get out of control. Because it was the first time you were going to sleep next to Bruce without any other reason. Because you both wanted to be close to each other. And it was utterly frightening.

The crisis hardly got smothered when Bruce emerged from the ensuite and joined you under the covers. The familiar shy smile graced his features, making it so easy to mirror his position and turn onto your side to face him. You did not have to look for words to fill in the silence:

“Come closer” Bruce extended a hand toward you, fingers trailing over the length of your forearm.

What had been a respectable space between you suddenly felt like nothing. And Bruce wanted you closer than that. Cursing quietly, you levelled him with as a serious look as you could manage, all things considered:

“You sure?” the act was easy to see through.

You wanted to close that gap, perhaps more than anything. But Bruce’s bravery was still something new, something you were not used to. It was best to check lest you could fuck it all up somehow.

“Very, very sure” as if reading your mind, Bruce gave you a reassuring smile, his arm winding around your waist as you gave in to the pull and closed the distance.

Without a word, you laid your head on his pillow and pressed the length of your legs against his. Placing your arm around his middle, you felt instantly enveloped in an embrace that would keep you safe. As did the look in his eyes, trusting and open. The chatter of your thoughts at once grew quiet.

“You know, for a minute there, I was scared I’d never be able to do this again… It was terrifying” laying this close to each other, you could feel each word Bruce spoke with a warm rush of air over your mouth.

Nearly distracting you from the meaning of his words. And what they revealed. Once it sunk in, you closed your eyes and allowed the honesty to speak.

“Will you tell me what… what happened there?” hoping the inflexion would do the work without you having to put it into words, the anxiety raging in your brain made you add, “You don’t have to, is just that… I’d love to get that gap filled in with something other than assumptions” Bruce squeezed your arm in reassurance, confirming he understood.

That he was willing to elaborate on what was, without a doubt, a vulnerable moment. You still were not ready to open your eyes.

“I saw one of them take you out with a blow to the head, and I… Guess I just fucking lost it” the bitter tone with which he threw out the curse felt like a punch to the gut.

It was why your eyes flew open, and the words rushed out.

“But you could barely move, I-” Bruce never let you finish.

“I used an adrenaline shot. Always got a couple in the utility belt” although his voice was rid of emotions, you could see the urgency in his eyes.

As if Bruce was begging you to understand what he meant by it all. You understood enough. Even if you could not bear to think about it without risking your sanity.

“I never heard you swear before” it was why you chose to deflect, holding onto the least important of facts.

Bruce’s eyes widened at the question, and his mouth fell agape in what would be a comical expression if the circumstances were any different.

“Really? Is that the takeaway?” there was a flash of that previous annoyance in his eyes.

Yet still, Bruce tightened the hold over your body, pulling you a fraction closer to the heat of his frame. Close enough that you could melt into him, admitting to the reasons for your foolishness. The why of all the omissions:

“Yeah, because I don’t want to deal with the rest of what you told me” you met his searching gaze, hoping your eyes could show the words that got stuck in your throat.

You pressed your palm to his shoulder blade, feeling the warmth of his skin through the shirt fabric. After a beat, Bruce mirrored the gesture, his soft hum getting lost in the space between you. The silence stretched for a short while, enough so you could feel your heartbeat settle, falling for the chance of peace. Yet it did not surprise you when Bruce spoke:

“I’d do it again if I had to” his voice was still soft, treading that familiar territory between a sleepy confession and a nonchalant observation.

You knew it was not really the second one. Tightening the hold over his body, you moved a fraction closer to brush your nose against his and whispered the reply:

“Let’s hope you’ll never have to” there was nothing else to add.

Nothing else you could say without showing how much his admission meant. It was almost incomprehensible to think someone could willingly risk it all for your sake. Without reason or obligation. It made it dangerously easy to believe you were worth something.

For a while, neither of you spoke, seemingly content to drift off to sleep entangled like that. Although his eyes were half-closed, you could see Bruce glance at you every few minutes. It was impossible to say what he was thinking. Once you could feel the sleep pulling you under, you risked asking what was on your mind:

“Will you still be here when I wake up?” even to your ears, your voice sounded embarrassingly insecure.

There was no guarantee he would be there. No certainty that whatever had happened over the night would prevail the next day. You were not sure you could cope with it if the morning changed how things were. It was doubtful.

From the briefest of winces passing through Bruce’s face, you knew you had hit the jackpot. Your hand trailed down his arm to thread your fingers together. Waiting to be disappointed.

“I don’t know. The city needs me, now more than ever” the excuse was weak, and Bruce knew it.

As if trying to recompensate, he squeezed your hand but averted the furrowed look you immediately sent his way. You did not feel like giving in to what was utter bullshit.

“Yeah, but you need to rest” when Bruce still did not meet your gaze, you added, tone firmer this time, “Gotham is still going to be there tomorrow. And I hope you know you can’t help everybody. You can’t save them all” it must have struck the chord for he raised his head, the boundless blue of his eyes troubled “Some are beyond helping” it was hard to say what made you finish the speech on a vulnerable admission “Like me,”

One that made Bruce’s face twist into a look of pure dread. He disentangled his hand from yours to cup your cheek, the tenderness tearing your heart apart as you stared back.

“You’re not-” deciding you did not want to hear it, you used an empty hand to shut him up.

Your fingers traced the outline of his mouth once he fell quiet. His lips were an easier point of focus than the eyes seeing into the depths of your soul.

“Bruce, please. Not tonight,” the whisper filled the silence, pleading without saying so.

He understood. Nudging your chin upwards so that you were both forced to look at one another, Bruce searched your eyes. That same emotion settled for good in his gaze. The one you could never identify. Though you could sometimes guess…

“Okay… Can I kiss you?” the simple question acted like an instant brain freeze.

You did not have to think hard about the answer.

“Yeah… but only if you’ll stay with me” for once, it did not hurt to be exposed.

For once, it was okay to know he saw you. All the faults and weaknesses. All that you would rather reject than embrace.

“I’ll stay” Bruce sealed the promise with a kiss.

Fragile and gentle, the pressure of his lips was almost tender. It was still easy to sigh into his mouth and lose yourself in the hope that flickered in your heart. The hope that maybe it meant enough to last. This time, you made no moves to devour him, no intent to make a mark. For this one was only a vow. And when it was over, and you could press a final peck to the tip of Bruce’s nose, it was so much easier to lay your head over his chest and close your eyes.

***

It was almost surreal to wake up enveloped in an embrace you had no desire to escape. Slowly opening your eyes, you allowed them to adjust to the morning light peeking through the curtains. The rain was pattering against the window; the sound was acting like a mellow soundtrack. Realising you had moved through the night, you found your back pressed against Bruce’s chest. It felt like being spooned by a heater. And you wouldn’t have it any other way. That much was certain.

For a beat, you were content to simply lay there, feeling the rise and fall of his chest and the muffled snores escaping his throat. It was impossible not to grin, tightening the hold over Bruce’s hand around your waist. The throbbing headache at the back of your skull was almost worth it. Because although it was still terrifying, you could not deny yourself the bliss felt at that moment. Everything else be damned.

Only once you felt him stir you began to move, turning as gently as possible to face Bruce. The sight alone was breathtaking. His dark hair was tousled beyond saving, several strands falling over his eyes. His forehead was clear from the frown lines; the long eyelashes fluttered over the sculpted cheeks. Although his eyes were still closed, you could tell he was not sleeping anymore. Ignoring the warnings alarms in your head, you shifted, so you could see him better and kissed the edge of his jaw. Then laid another peck on his chin, smiling involuntarily upon hearing Bruce gasp shallowly. His arms tightened over your frame as he slightly lowered his head to catch your lips in a chaste kiss. You were more than happy to give it to him.

Only then did Bruce open his eyes, the blue irises catching the light and immediately focusing on you. His lips twisted into a small smile as you noticed:

 “I think you needed that sleep” on its own accord, your hand rose to let the fingers trail over his features.

Bruce’s smile widened into a bashful grin. You could feel his hand caress your side, slowly inching closer to the shirt’s hem. You were happy to let him do that too.

“Probably,” acquiescing, Bruce was interrupted by a wide yawn.

Giggling into the pillow, you briefly contemplated what it would take to convince him to stay in bed with you forever. Or at least for the whole day. But then, the reality crashed. Even without being able to see the city outside, the memories came rushing in like the sea water breaking through the walls last night. It was the darkness at the edge of the peaceful morning that made you ask:

“What do you think will happen now?” as soon as the words were out, you could see the frown return to Bruce’s face.

Damn it. The apology was already on your tongue when he replied.

“No clue. But it’s going to be tough. People like the Penguin are going to try to use this mess to their advantage” a tired sigh acted as an interval while Bruce seemed to collect his thoughts; his eyes were trained on the world outside the window, “I should probably do patrols every night, aside from keeping in touch with Gordon” the reluctance in his voice felt like a stab in the fabric of your soul.

With a start, you realised that you would probably do anything to make it go away. To stop whatever was making him hurt. But there was nothing you could do.

“Work is cancelled with everyone urged to stay inside, so if you’ll have anything to work on, count me in” feigning nonchalance and failing miserably, you waited with bated breath for Bruce to look at you again.

To say anything to the thinly veiled plea to let you work with him again. The answer was more important than life itself. Slowly, Bruce turned his head to rest his heavy gaze on you. His mouth stretched into a smile:

“No please?” he grinned, taking the weight off your shoulders and making you giggle breathlessly.

“Nah, you didn’t earn it” an attempt at schooling your features into a mock seriousness went horribly, yet Bruce still seemed pleased with the quip.

His hand, which was still tracing patterns on your side, slipped underneath the shirt. Now the warmth of his careful touch was acting like an anchor, making it much easier to stay present. When his eyes met yours, it still felt like a jolt to the system.

“I will” Bruce’s voice dropped into a lower timbre, dragging a shiver through your body.

If he noticed, he did not let on. Ignoring the response of your betraying body, you raised an eyebrow, fixating on the conversation you were having. Or on one that lay beneath the words that filled the silence.

“Earn it?” as if following the invisible pull, you allowed your hand to reach out; your palm pressed itself to his chest over the heart.

To feel its rhythmic beat, wanting to memorise it for the future where you never got to touch Bruce like that.

“That too” as though he was reading your mind, Bruce pulled you closer, his words a murmur you wanted to trust.

You wanted to believe whatever changed last night was an indication of how things were now. And how they were going to be. But trusting was not in your blood. You buried your face in the crook of his neck to breathe in the calming scent. Only after a few minutes have passed in the near-blissful quiet, you could begin to seek the courage to voice one last desire. You could only say it when there was no chance of Bruce’s eyes finding yours. So, you took one final deep breath and tried to shoot the shot:

“Will you have some breakfast with me? Before you leave to do whatever?” with every word, you were wincing harder, trying to focus on the movement of his chest underneath your palm.

All because of how much rejection would hurt. Sure, you had already gotten so much more than you ever bargained for. But the longing never ceased anymore, growing more insistent by the hour.

“That’s a question or a request?” Bruce’s question had a cheeky edge, easily throwing you out of your head.

He had no mercy for your desire to hide. Leaning back to catch your chin in his hand, Bruce met your blushed cheeks and half-closed eyes with a confident smirk. An expression you were slowly getting used to, to your surprise. It forced a shy smile to appear, despite your wishes.

“Depends on what’s more likely to work on you” your tongue darted out to wet the suddenly dry lips.

Immediately, you noticed Bruce’s eyes trace the movement, keeping the eyes fixed on your mouth. Way too long for it to be accidental. You knew it wasn’t.

Bruce groaned as if in response to the dance between you and pressed his forehead to yours with a fake pained expression. In response, you could only raise an eyebrow and catch the bottom lip between your teeth. The giddiness in your chest began to spark to life.

“You’re just so…” it only grew brighter when you heard the yearning in his voice.

Bruce seemed speechless; his eyes were fixed on your face with something akin to devotion. As if he had so many words to describe you but none that would fit the bill. None that would express what he wanted to say. You decided to help:

“Annoying?” Bruce shook his head in silent exasperation, so you decided to use it, “Yeah, I know. So?”

His smile was the answer you had been waiting for. Soon, your face was bound to hurt from smiling so much.

“Okay,” Bruce nodded, making your grin shine even brighter.

Caught up in the feelings evoked by this moment, you never saw when he leaned in to catch your lips but felt it when Bruce kissed you. Slowly and thoroughly, responding to the playful back and forth you had been indulging in. You deepened the contact when you felt his tongue swipe over your lips, gasping when Bruce licked into your mouth. The taste of him was already familiar, and the more you had of it, the more you craved it. Following the pull of your heart, you pulled up on your forearm to lean over Bruce, feeling his hand slip to the small of your back. He caressed your skin while his mouth devoured yours, and all you could think of was how much you were willing to sacrifice to never let him go. Somewhere in between another swipe of your tongue curling around his and the playful bite as your teeth sunk into his bottom lip, you had to swallow the three words. The ones that would destroy everything. The ones that kept appearing on the tip of your tongue, following the letters of his name. The ones you traced onto the material of his shirt. I love you.

Not that long later, when you had climbed from the bed, and locked the bathroom door, you whispered them against the wooden frame, choking on the weight of the feelings you should never have had in the first place:

“I love you…”

***

The crisis had passed by the time you sat at the kitchen island and sipped on the coffee while gossiping with Dory. She had hugged you tightly when you entered the room, relieved to find you still in the building. In return, you filled her in on Bruce’s whereabouts and asked for help in preparing the breakfast spread. Once it was ready and you had convinced the older woman to join you for the meal, you settled by the countertop, waiting for Bruce to join you. Somehow, you knew he would. Breaking promises did not seem to be in his nature. At least, you had hoped so.

He proved you right ten minutes later, walking into the kitchen just as you were telling Dory about the police escort from the night before. Your story was interrupted when she laid her eyes on Bruce, let out a surprised noise and instantly dropped the milk carton to gather him into an embrace. A smile planted itself on your face upon the sight, observing with the familiar happiness as Bruce returned the hug and squeezed the housekeeper with fondness permeating every cell of his body. After a moment, you turned away to give them privacy for the hushed conversation and tried to occupy yourself with the toasts, which had just popped from the toaster. The only reprieve from the task came when you felt a gentle touch on your shoulder and turned your head to find Bruce standing right next to you. He smiled and wordlessly asked for the plate, forcing you to marvel at the domesticity of the situation. So different to the other breakfast at the Wayne Tower, only days before. Once you were all seated and picking at the spread, it was that memory which made you ask:

“So… are you going to eat, or do I have to force you again?” you levelled Bruce with a pretended serious look and sneaked a glance towards Dory.

As expected, she was unsuccessfully hiding the laugh behind the coffee mug in her hand. Turning back to Bruce, you found him matching the faux glare with one of his own. His mouth was curled into a smile as he picked up the buttered bread and used it as an accessory to accentuate the response:

“I will. I will. No need to force-feed me the toast” Bruce took a demonstrative bite with no heat in the pointed look in his eyes.

A spark in his gaze told you he remembered well the moment you alluded to.

“Good” signing off the comment with a wink, you reached for the mug again.

You did not get to swallow the sip of the warm beverage.

“Though, admittedly, I did enjoy the last time” Bruce’s response was the sole reason for you choking on the coffee and the coughing fit which followed.

He must have felt responsible, for within seconds, his hand was between your shoulder blades, firmly hitting the space to ease the coughing. The concerned frown on his face was almost enough to help you take a breath again and find the courage to place your hand on his knee underneath the kitchen island. You squeezed it once and measured him with a steady look:

“I see” the company in the room did not matter anymore as you met the blue of his eyes and remarked, “You’re a strange creature, Mr Wayne” the way Bruce reacted to the name never got old, and you could not help but smirk with satisfaction at the pink tint appearing on his cheeks.

He caught his bottom lip between his teeth as if to hold in something he did not want to say out loud. Composed himself and took a toast bite to find a breather. You could only watch him, feeling Dory’s observational gaze rest on both of you with quiet contemplation. Whatever she saw between you surely was not that far off anyway.

At last, Bruce must have found his footing again, for he returned your taxing gaze and muttered a reply:

“Yet you’re still… around” the inflexion on the last word suggested he was surprised by it.

That he never really expected you to stay around for so long. You did wonder whether telling him that it was a surprise to you, too, was a reasonable move. You ignored it, softening the smile on your face and fully aware that the look in your eyes was nothing short of affectionate.

“I never said I don’t like strange creatures” finishing the sentence, you moved your hand up from his knee to the lower thigh, hoping to convey everything your heart felt.

You signed off the sentiment with a cheeky wink, feeling your cheeks burn under Dory’s scrutiny from the other side of the worktop. At that moment, you quickly decided to discard this line of the conversation and include the older woman in your discussion. It was what you did then, sharing with her your recounting of the night before, happy to have Bruce join the story. Afterwards, you both promised her to keep in touch to avoid anxiety-filled nights and confusion.

Still, it was not a surprise that as soon as Dory finished her breakfast, she excused herself from the kitchen, wishing you both a good day. A blush on your face was a permanent fixture by now. For a beat, you and Bruce stayed quiet, sipping the remains of the coffee in companionable silence. Until he cleared his throat and placed the mug on the worktop with a hollow sound. Your eyes darted to Bruce anticipating the unknown. Although there were no reasons to suspect anything bad, you still felt anxious as you watched him intently.

“I’ve been thinking and… I think it would be best if you stayed here for now. Until it all settles a little in the city” Bruce rushed the words out almost breathlessly, staring at the marble surface as he added, “Of course, you can say no, but… I wanted to put it out there, I guess” with each word the conviction in his voice grew weaker until it disappeared completely.

The proposition surprised you, making it difficult to find an answer before Bruce managed to talk himself out of it. You could see him battle himself, so you blurted out the only question that made sense:

“Why?” it was the magical word that made Bruce look up at last.

He met your searching gaze with a simple shrug, the look in his eyes helpless but not in denial anymore. This time he had the answer ready.

“Because I’d feel better knowing you’re somewhere safe,” his voice grew softer as he silently begged you to understand and agree.

The statement broke through the reluctance in your heart and melted the hard shell, as it always did. It was tempting and oh so easy. Another excuse to stay by his side and feed your needs as long as he would allow it.

“And here I was hoping you’ll say you want me in your bed again” you dropped the tone to a private timbre, eager to make Bruce blush again.

It did the job. As soon as he registered your words, his cheeks turned a vivid shade of pink, lips falling agape to sputter words of denial that never came. You were right. Kinda. A triumphant grin planted itself on your face upon the sight, acting as a driving force behind the decision to stand up and drape your arms over Bruce’s body from behind. Your chin came to rest on his shoulder as his hands came to cover yours over his torso. Before he could begin to question himself again, you whispered an agreement into his ear and leaned back an inch to leave a playful bite on his earlobe. It was enough to make Bruce gasp sharply. And to widen your smile, silencing the voice in your head that always reminded you it would not last. For now – it would. And that was enough.

[courtrecord]

On twitter sometime ago you described your writing habits as something similar to my own (slow, tedious, perfectionist, compulsive, agonizing over getting the words perfect instead of editing later, etc) And you also wrote a lot of dope things like Galactic 2E and Venture that are I hope you dont mind me saying, deeply inspirational. So coming from someone who hasnt Gotten There yet I have to ask, how do you get yourself to get up and just write the damn thing already?

omg thank u so much, that means more than i can possibly say. i wish i had a better set of advice but honestly so much of my creative work is vibes and hyperfixation based, and every time i finish something i look back on it like “how the fuck did i do that”, but here are the things that work for me. they are very much based on my own particular adhd and writing hangups so ur mileage will definitely vary.

start small: i didn’t start writing ttrpgs with big projects like venture & g2e. i started with a 200 word game, then some one-pagers, then kept growing from there. @jdragsky has talked a lot about the importance of building the skill of finishing things, and small projects are a really good way of doing that. hell, even g2e only exists bc i started with the smaller project of galactic, then went back to it a year later to build on it again.

share as u go: when i started working on bigger games, and this year as i’ve been working on longer fics, friends to share screenshots of my wip have been invaluable. that way i can get the immediate validation of someone reading my thing and giving feedback without feeling like i need to Publish it yet. biggest shoutout in the world to my friends who tolerate my writing nonsense.

write in chunks: this is kind of the combination of those first two points. bob games are big piles of little lists. i tend to write fic in short, impactful scenes. i have a wip that’s an sbr game, which is a big pile of little advances. that way, i am constantly getting that feeling of accomplishment when i write something. i can agonize over word choice and vibes and editing but then i actually get to a stopping point, where i like that little bit enough to move on to the next one. it seems crazy looking back that i wrote 36 places & 36 traits for g2e, but i didn’t just sit down and knock them all out. i wrote a few, sent them to some friends, then i wrote a few more. u know?

don’t force it: sometimes, the vibe just isn’t there. sometimes, u spend a year doing barely any writing or game design bc there’s a pandemic and ur brain doesn’t work anymore. etc. i’ve thought a lot the past few years about the difference btwn the feeling of wanting to write bc i want to write the thing, and the feeling of wanting to write bc i like the idea of being the person who wrote the thing. when i realize i’m in that second mindset, i go and think about something else. bc no good writing comes from that (at least ime)

find what u like: this is kinda related to the one above, but it’s another thing i’ve been thinking about lately. i spent a lot of time when i was younger assuming that bc i like writing, i had to write a novel, bc that’s what writers do. i would try to follow writing advice made for people who simply aren’t me. “writers must learn to use description sparingly” lol way ahead of u. that kinda thing. realizing that i love writing fanfiction for its transformativity, and i love writing dialogue bc it’s what i’m good at, was a huge revelation. i can just do that. i don’t have to follow the regular writer mold when i can just write really fucking good dialogue-heavy fanfiction. and in that realization, i’ve been able to grow as a writer by gaining the ability to write things down that i’m happy with, and grow from there.

prescription adderall: i told u this list was a mess. this one has kinda been crucial for me. i realized i had adhd in my first year of college in 2017 and started taking adderall for my second year of college in mid-2018. i started churning out creative projects in 2019. coincidence? absolutely not oh my god are u kidding

[penmansparadise]

Steve Harrington ~ As It Should Be

*I DO NOT OWN THIS GIF* *CREDIT TO THE GIF OWNER*

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader with Powers

Word Count: 8.2k

Warnings: S3 AND S4 SPOILERS. Mild language.  Mentions of canon violence.  Mentions of death.  Kind of touches of PTSD or past trauma. Let me know if I missed any!

a/n: I am so sorry that this one took me forever to post!! I was battling COVID, which was not fun, and now I’m traveling. But here it is! This was requested from my Wattpad. I know I said this one was going to be two parts, but I didn’t want to do that. Every time I do that, I make my request list longer, and I’d like to reopen them at some point for those who have been asking me. So, instead, you get this 8.2k long story lol. Anyway, I really enjoyed writing this one even though it took me so long. Just to give you a little insight, the request asked that Y/N have powers like Wanda Maximoff except green, not red. So, I hope I delivered that and portrayed it properly. Because you all liked when I gave you a look into my playlist when I write, I thought I’d tell you what I listened to for this one. I literally listened to one song on repeat, so if you want to be put into the same frame of mind, you can listen to it as well while reading. Thanks to someone who put me onto the Disney movie Descendants after my rant about how amazing Thomas Doherty is, I have been obsessed with the song “If Only” from the first movie. So, if you want to be transported, put it on repeat and read this story lol. My next post will be the much anticipated Robin Buckley x Fem!Reader Smut!! I know you all have been waiting for that one. As always, I appreciate all the support, it really does mean a lot, and I hope you all enjoy!!

§

Bright green liquid coursed through your veins, searing every inch of your body. You writhed in pain as it consumed you. It was all you could see in the darkness. Traces of green pumping through you, stinging as they became visible even through your skin. Just the neon green liquid until Billy’s face emerged out of the dark. Your rapid beating heart slowed as you took in his smiling face. So familiar and comforting – his curls a mess as usual and his bare shoulders and toned arms peeking out from his white tank top. He was bright and happy, just as you always tried to remember him. But then his smile fell, and the shadows on his face turned too dark. You tried to reach out to him, but you couldn’t move. Billy’s figure began to slide back like he was being dragged away from you. The darkness turned into a purple hue, and suddenly and so quickly, Billy was being impaled by the Mind Flayer.

His blood seeped through his shirt, staining its white fabric. Billy’s lips were parted, and you watched as the same tar-like substance from his chest dripped from his mouth. Your breathing quickened again as your surroundings grew clearer. You were standing in the Starcourt Mall, watching the life in your boyfriend’s eyes disappear for a second time. Max’s screams peeled through the air, echoing in your brain. You looked around, but she was nowhere to be found. You were alone. Your heart raced in your chest as you desperately tried to move toward his limp body, but your feet wouldn’t budge. It was like you were stuck in quicksand. Your heavy breathing and Max’s high-pitched screams filled your ears as you willed your legs to move. Tears filled your eyes. You tried to shout his name, but nothing came out. Panic began to rise in your chest as you tried again and again to no avail. You stared at Billy, helpless, until everything slowly began to fade away. All you could see was a familiar shade of green until your eyes shot open.

You sat up where you were, panting. Sweat beaded on your forehead as you finally took in where you were. Your pillows were exactly where you put them the night before, and your blanket was thrown haphazardly over your legs. Photos of you and your friends and posters of your favorite bands covered your walls. You let out a sigh when you realized you were in your room. You lay back on your pillows. Nightmares were the norm for you and have been for over a year. You shut your eyes, trying to steady your breathing, when your alarm went off, causing you to jump. The shrill sound went on for a few moments before you reached over, shut it off, and got out of bed.

Right after you graduated, you got a job at the local diner waitressing. After everything that happened last year, you couldn’t bring yourself to ship off to college. There was just too much to take care of, and you just didn’t feel right leaving. So, instead, you opted to get a job and live with your parents. It was anything but ideal, but it was what had to happen.

Once you were dressed in your uniform, you grabbed a change of clothes and headed out. When you reached the diner, you were on autopilot. Get out of the car. Drop bag off in locker. Clock in and start the day. You had been on autopilot since you got the job last year. The steady regiment of waitressing was the only thing keeping you from completely falling apart. You were in your own little world behind the counter until your coworker tapped your shoulder.

“Hey,” she said, gaining your attention. “You have another table.”

You furrowed your eyebrows.

“What?” You began, already annoyed, as you turned toward the tables. “But I’m already-”

You stopped short when you saw Steve sitting in one of the booths. It felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room as you stared at his back. Although you didn’t want it to, your heart nonetheless reacted to the sight of him. You could feel it flutter to life for a brief second before you tore your eyes from him.

“He specifically asked for you,” your coworker said, her voice a little too chipper for your liking.

You turned back toward the tables and let out a breath before squaring your shoulders and moving toward Steve. It had been over a year since you actually spoke to him, which was really sad considering you used to be inseparable. You met each other when you were children, and an immediate bond formed. As the years moved forward, your friendship only grew. The only problem for you was that it wasn’t only a friendship that formed. Much to your dismay, you began to develop feelings for Steve, and by the time you two reached high school, you had a full-blown crush on the boy. You couldn’t help the way your heart skipped a beat when Steve was around or how his smile gave you butterflies. For years, you waited for Steve to show in some way that he reciprocated your feelings, and when he didn’t, you forced yourself to move on.

When Billy and Max moved to Hawkins, you and Billy hit it off pretty quickly. Unlike the other girls at school, you didn’t throw yourself at the boy. In fact, you ignored him for the most part until he found you sitting in the corner of the library one day. You were fully expecting him to be an ass, but he turned out to be sweet. For a few months, he tried to get with you, but you were holding out hope that maybe Steve would come around. But after a while, you had to face reality and gave in to Billy’s woos. You liked Billy. He took care of you and showed you so much affection despite the lack of love he had at home. But even though you grew to love Billy, it was never the same. Your feelings for Steve were always lingering in the back of your mind.

Your relationship with Billy was great. But you only got to enjoy him for a short period of time before the Mind Flayer consumed him. At first, you didn’t know what was going on. Billy began to push you away and get violent. He stopped taking you out and didn’t want to be around you. You thought that it was something you had done until Max told you everything. She sat you down with the rest of the group and explained about the Upside Down and the horrors that lived there. She told you that Billy was just possessed and that he would be alright because they were going to find a way to fix him. But they were wrong. Instead of fixing him, you watched as the Mind Flayer took his life in the middle of the Starcourt Mall, and since then, you’ve been haunted by the memory.

It was after the death of Billy that things between you and Steve began to change. You distanced yourself from the whole group. You didn’t want to talk to anyone or be with any of them. Any time Robin or Steve would try and reach you, you came up with some excuse about being sick or having too much schoolwork. You could see that they were hurt that you were pushing yourself away, but it was the only thing you could do to protect yourself. Even though he wasn’t the one, you loved Billy, and you had to watch him die in the most painful way. You knew that the Upside Down wasn’t going anywhere and if your friends and the man you love still wanted to be involved with it, you couldn’t be around them. If you had to watch any of them die the way you watched Billy die, you would break. So, although it pained you to be away from them, you did what was best for yourself.

Your hands began to shake just slightly the closer you got toward Steve. Even after all those years, your body still reacted the same way to him. Your heart rate picked up, and goosebumps pricked your skin. As you got closer, you realized Steve wasn’t alone. Sitting across from him was a familiar head of curls, and you couldn’t help the small smile that pulled at your lips at the sight of the young boy. When Dustin saw you, he perked up in his seat. You continued to round the table, and when you finally stood between the two of them, your and Steve’s eyes met. You sucked in a quick breath. It felt like you were punched in the gut. It had been so long since you were this close to him and every part of you wanted to fall into his arms. Steve’s lips parted as the two of you just stared at each other for a moment.

“Y/N,” he whispered, and you smiled.

“Hi, Steve.”

You held his gaze until Dustin waved his hand in front of you. You jumped a little as you snapped back to reality.

“And Dustin,” the curly-haired boy said, “I’m here too, you know?”

You chuckled and were happy to see that he hadn’t changed in the year you had been away.

“Hi, Dustin. It’s good to see you too.”

Dustin gave Steve a smug grin and you rolled your eyes as you pulled your notebook from your apron.

“So,” you began, flipping open the notebook and holding your pen, “what can I get you two?”

The smile on Dustin’s face faltered, and he slowly turned his attention to Steve. An uneasy feeling settled in your stomach as the silence grew. When Steve didn’t say anything, Dustin turned to face you again with a nervous laugh.

“Um, well, funny thing,” he rubbed the back of his neck and dropped your stare. “Uh, we’re not actually here to eat.”

Your grip on your pen tightened, and your eyes widened just slightly. You tried to tell yourself they weren’t there for what you thought they were there for. They knew you were still coping with Billy’s death. They wouldn’t try and drag you back into that world. Not after that. But the longer Dustin and Steve avoided your eye contact, the more that thought faded. As you dropped your arms to your sides, your foot began to tap rapidly.

“Then what are you here for?”

You pulled your lips into a tight line when Dustin finally met your stare again and said, “You, Y/N.”

The words hit you like a body blow, and you stepped away from the table, shaking your head.

“No,” you said, doing your best to control your heavy beating heart.

Dustin scooted to the edge of the bench, but when you stepped back again, he froze and put his hands up.

“Y/N, listen. There’s this…monster, and we need-”

“Is it from the Upside Down?” You asked.

Dustin’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Well, yeah,” he said with a light laugh, “where else would it be from?”

You crossed your arms over your chest.

“Then no.”

Dustin’s mouth fell ajar as he looked between Steve to you. He scoffed.

“You didn’t even let me finish!”

“Dustin, the answer is no. I’m not getting involved again. Now, if you don’t mind, I have a job to do.”

You didn’t give him a chance to reiterate. Instead, you swiftly turned on your heel and began walking back toward the counter. You could hear Dustin scoff again.

“Wha-Steve! Do something!” He all but shouted at Steve.

But you didn’t stop. Tears were already welling in your eyes at the mere thought of seeing anything from that horrible place again. Your stomach twisted at the possibility of losing somebody else close to you. You couldn’t do it. So, you kept moving until the familiar feeling of Steve’s hand grabbing yours stopped you in your tracks.

“Y/N, wait.”

You turned to face him, only to be met with his warm and comforting brown eyes. Even after so many years, they still cut through all your anxiety and made you feel safe. Steve didn’t let go of your hand as he closed the gap between the two of you just slightly. It had been so long since you had been that close to him, and you couldn’t help the way your breath hitched at the proximity.

“We can’t do this without you,” he said, his voice low so only you could hear.

Tears clogged your throat as you stared at him. Your bottom lip began to quiver, so you bit down on it and shook your head.

“Steve, I can’t. Not after…”

You trailed off when your voice cracked. Steve dropped your hand and cupped your cheeks, forcing you to look at him.

“Hey, hey, I know it’s been hard. I see the way Max is, and I can only imagine how you’re feeling. But we need you, Y/N. We can’t defeat this thing and end all of this without you.”

At first, you didn’t say anything. Instead, you just held his stare. You thought you had left all of this behind you. It didn’t matter that the monsters of the Upside Down were still alive. After Billy, you told yourself that you wouldn’t get involved again. But now Steve was standing with his hands on your face, staring at you with those eyes like a warm fire on a Christmas morning, and you were melting. You knew you should have told him no and walked away. But you couldn’t. So, you didn’t. Steve never once broke the stare until you finally nodded.

“Fine,” you said. “So, we can end this once and for all.”

Steve’s face split into a wide smile before he pulled you into a hug. Your heart skipped a beat at the feeling of his body pressed against yours. You took a long breath and relished his scent of Mahogany and vanilla. Your eyes shut just briefly as you relaxed into Steve’s touch, something you hadn’t done for a very long time.

“So, you’re in?” Dustin asked, causing you and Steve to nearly jump apart.

You flattened your apron, and Steve ran a hand through his hair, neither of you looking at the other. So, you turned your attention to Dustin.

“Yeah, I’m in.”

“Great,” Dustin said with a thumbs up. “After your shift, Steve and I will pick you up and fill you in so you’re ready for tonight.”

Your eyes widened.

“Tonight? Wait, hold on. You didn’t say-and what about my car?”

“You already said you’re in, so you can’t back out now, and your car will be here after we kill Vecna.”

You shook your head and put your hands up.

“Wait. Vecna?”

Dustin just waved you off.

“I’ll explain later. Steve, lets’ go.”

Dustin didn’t wait for Steve before he showed himself out of the diner. Steve shook his head with a sigh before turning toward you.

“When does your shift end?”

“Seven.”

Steve’s lips pulled upward just slightly.

“Then I guess I’ll see you at seven.”

You stood frozen in place as you waved goodbye and watched Steve exit the diner. When he was gone, you forced yourself to get back to work, but you could hardly focus. All you could think about was what was to come. Although it had been over a year since your last encounter with anything related to the Upside Down, you were still traumatized. You weren’t sure you were even ready to see all of your friends, let alone deal with a monster. But you had already committed, and before you knew it, your shift had come to an end. After grabbing your bag from your locker and clocking out, you changed out of your uniform and walked out to the parking lot. There were only a few cars, so it was hard to miss Steve’s. He was leaning against the passenger side, and when he saw you approaching, he quickly opened the door for you. You dipped your head as you got in.

“Thanks.”

A tiny blush crept onto Steve’s cheeks as he gave you a shy smile.

“Yeah, of course.”

Once he shut your door, he climbed into the driver’s side and, within seconds, began driving. You weren’t sure where the final destination was, but it didn’t matter. Dustin gave you every detail of what was going on. He told you that you were going to meet up with everyone in an RV. He told you about the deaths of the Hawkins High students and how they were connected. He told you about the monster named Vecna and how he’s been in charge the whole time. He even told you that Max was his next victim, and you could feel your heart almost shatter. He explained that the plan was to kill Vecna and said that if everything went right, his reign of terror would end that night. By the time Steve’s car came to a stop behind the RV, you were all caught up on what had been happening since you had been gone.

You followed Steve and Dustin to the RV. Something about the silence was ominous. At that moment, you knew that everything was on the line. Dustin opened the door, and you followed him inside. The conversation that was taking place ceased as all eyes landed on you. It was surreal to be looking at your group of friends again. At first, no one moved until Robin jumped up from where she sat and pulled you into a tight embrace. You couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled out of you as her arms tightened.

“Hey, Robin.”

“I’ve missed you so much. Do you know that?” She asked into the crook of your neck. She released you, and a smile spread across her whole face.

“It’s really difficult dealing with him all by myself,” she said, motioning toward Steve.

The two of you shared a laugh then hugged Nancy and waved at Eddie before moving to lean your hip against the tiny counter. Nancy began going over the plan one more time for good measure. As she started speaking, Steve moved behind you, and you leaned back into his chest as if on instinct. His hands moved down the length of your arms, causing goosebumps to rise on your skin.

“You know, I missed you too,” he whispered into your ear. “Like a lot.”

You turned your head to look at him.

“Well, I’m back now.”

Steve’s face was much closer than before, making your heart race. His hands slid down your arms until his fingers brushed over yours.

“For good?”

You gave him a small smile.

“We’ll see.”

You don’t know how long the two of you stayed like that. Had there been enough time, you probably would have stayed that way for the rest of the evening. It had been so long since you felt normal and safe. But being around Steve again felt like home, and feelings you always had for him were reigniting within you with a vengeance. You were starting to think that pushing him away last year was a mistake, but there was no time to dwell on that. The sound of the RV door creaking open and the group hustling out of it pulled you from your reverie. You moved first, followed by Steve, and soon you were walking toward Eddie’s trailer.

Eddie led the way into his home, and when you entered, you froze. The gate to the Upside Down covered the ceiling of Eddie’s living room. You could feel the anxiety from before trying to claw its way out of you. However, Steve didn’t waste any time as he grabbed ahold of the sheet hanging from the gate and climbed his way into the Upside Down. Everyone looked at you next, and you swallowed down your fear before following Steve’s lead. You climbed up the sheet until you were flipped and fell to the ground, landing on your two feet. You moved to the side, and Steve gave you a small smile before Nancy fell through the gate. You watched as he offered her his hand and pulled her to her feet. Much to your chagrin, your heart clenched when his hand lingered in hers for a beat too long. You turned away and moved to the corner of the room as Robin, Eddie, and Dustin fell through the gate. Everyone began gathering their weapons and bags, but you remained glued to the corner you put yourself in. Your eyes followed Steve and Nancy when Eddie blocked your view. He was messing with his belt, then tightening his bandana over his head, and you furrowed your eyebrows at him.

“I wouldn’t worry about them if I were you,” he said without even looking at you.

“What?”

Eddie stopped what he was doing, finally meeting your stare with a crooked smile.

“Steve and Nancy? You were literally just staring at them.”

You opened and closed your mouth several times in an attempt to come up with some excuse, but when nothing came to you, you just dropped your eyes. Eddie chuckled and patted your arm.

“It’s okay. I can tell you with almost 100% certainty,” he stopped and started tilting his head from side to side. “Okay, maybe like 97%, that Harrington’s not into Wheeler.”

You crossed your arms over your chest and raised your brow at him.

“And why do you say that?”

“Because,” Eddie said, leaning against the wall next to you, “he wouldn’t shut up about you the whole time we were formulating the plan.”

Your shoulders relaxed, and your arms fell to your sides.

“What?”

“Yeah,” Eddie began with a laugh, “the guy was determined to get you back. I thought he meant you two were already an item the way he was talking. Turns out, good ole Stevie over there buried himself so deep into the friend zone he can’t seem to dig himself back out.”

Your mouth fell ajar, and you let out a little breath.

“I-I don’t…”

When you didn’t finish your sentence, Eddie just waved it off.

“It’s cool,” he said. “But believe me when I say he’s definitely not into Wheeler.”

Before you could say anything back to him, Eddie was already walking back toward the group. You watched him start goofing around with Dustin, and a small smile tugged at your lips. You never really knew Eddie Munson, but you could tell he was going to be a regular around your friends, and after his reassurance, you didn’t mind one bit. After several minutes, you finally pushed yourself off the wall to rejoin everyone. Steve, Robin, and Nancy were huddled next to the door.

“You ready to go?” Robin asked you, and you nodded.

You all bid Eddie and Dustin farewell before exiting the trailer and heading out into the Upside Down.

Robin and Nancy led the way through the dark woods while you and Steve marched along behind them. Neither of you spoke for a while, the only sounds coming from the hidden creatures of the Upside Down. But then Steve nudged you with his arm.

“I’m glad you came,” he said, earning a smile from you.

“Yeah, me too. It’s nice to have the gang back together.”

Steve helped you over a fallen log and chuckled.

“Robin wouldn’t stop talking about you. I mean, it was like she was bringing you up every five minutes.”

A smirk pulled at your lips as you looked over at Steve.

“I’m told she’s not the only one who had that issue.”

Steve nodded and laughed.

“Oh, yeah, Dustin too.” He opened and closed his hand as he continued. “Blah blah blah. Always.”

“I’m talking about you, Steve.”

His face fell.

“Huh?”

You were trying to contain the giggles that were threatening to burst out of you but failing miserably.

“Someone told me I was all you could talk about while you guys were coming up with this plan.”

Steve scoffed and shook his head.

“Unbelievable. I’m gonna kick Henderson’s ass.”

You let out a laugh. Although you didn’t know Eddie too well yet, you weren’t going to tell Steve it was actually he who provided that information, not Dustin.

“So, you’re not denying it?”

“Well,” Steve began, running a hand through his fluffy hair, “no. I’m not.”

He stopped walking and took your hand to stop you as well. The lighthearted air that was once present was replaced with something more serious.

“Y/N, you have to understand I really missed you.”

You swallowed. You wanted to tell Steve that you missed him too. You wanted to tell him that even though you all are walking into an incredibly dangerous situation, you had never been surer in your life that you made a mistake by distancing yourself from him. But you knew Steve wasn’t done. He let out a breath and dropped his head for a beat before meeting your eyes again.

“After last year, you distanced yourself from us. From me. You’re my best friend, and you just disappeared. I felt like I had no one. Like you were gone too. And it was the worst pain I’d ever felt. So, I used this plan as a way to get you back. And now that you’re here, I don’t ever want to lose you again.”

You could see the pain in his face as he stared at you with intent and shook his head.

“I can’t, Y/N. I can’t go through that again. I-I-”

“Hey, guys!” Nancy’s voice echoed off the bare trees around you. “The house is just around the corner. Come on!”

You looked in Nancy and Robin’s direction, then back at Steve. You could see on his face that something nagging at him. And you waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. Instead, he released your hand and began to move toward Nancy and Robin. But before he could get too far, you reached out and took hold of his arm, forcing him to turn toward you again.

“What were you gonna say?”

Steve’s mouth opened, but he didn’t say anything. He closed it, cleared his throat, and shook his head.

“Later. Let’s get this done first.”

You let go of him and watched him walk toward the other two in your party. A part of you wanted to scream at him to tell you what you hoped he was going to say. You didn’t know if there was going to be a later or tomorrow or next year. If even the slightest thing went wrong with this plan, you could all be dead, and you would never know. But you held yourself together and joined the rest of them at the edge of the wood.

All four of you watched and waited for Erica to give the signal, and when she did, you all left the woods behind and walked toward the house. It looked menacing, with the dark clouds hanging low over the building. When you entered, nothing changed. Black vines littered the floors and walls, and they climbed and wrapped themselves around the railings and light fixtures. Nancy began going up the stairs, and you all followed behind her. You all carefully made your way up the stairs until you were gathered on the second floor. Through another door on the far wall, you could see flashing lights and could hear thunder rumbling louder than before. You nodded toward the door.

“He’s in there?” You asked no one in particular.

Robin nodded and moved to stand next to you.

“Yep. You ready?”

You gave her a weak smile and looked to Nancy to lead the rest of the way. But just before she could take another step, the house began to shake. You looked at the others. By the looks on their faces, it was clear that an earthquake was not something they had accounted for. The shaking grew more violent, sending you bumping into Robin. It felt as if the whole building was going to get sucked into the ground. You and Robin grabbed hold of each other in an attempt to steady yourselves, but it didn’t work. Instead, you fell back into Steve, and Robin had to take several steps to regain her footing. The shaking continued, and just when you thought that was going to be the end, it stopped suddenly. Steve’s arms were around you, holding you steady, and your hands were holding onto Robin. For a second, you all waited for something to happen, and when it didn’t, you relaxed, letting out a collective breath. But then the sound of something slithering along the floor gained your attention.

“Oh, no,” Robin said before she went flying against the wall.

The vines crawled over her body, restraining her. She sucked in a shallow breath.

“Steve! Nancy! Y/N! Help!”

Without a second guess, you all moved toward Robin. You grabbed the vine on her wrist and began pulling as hard as you could. But it didn’t matter how hard you yanked on them; the vines were not moving. You kept trying when, out of the corner of your eye, you saw a vine reach up and grab Steve. When you turned toward him, his body went flying across the room until it slammed into the wall.

“No,” you breathed out. “Steve!”

Fear was a wild thing inside of you as you tried to run toward Steve. But before you could get close, a vine grabbed your ankle, sending you toppling to the floor and knocking the wind out of you. You only got a brief look at it before you were being dragged back toward the wall Robin was on. Your nails dug into the floor as you got pulled farther and farther away from Steve.

“Let me go!” You shouted just as you looked up to see Nancy getting flung against the wall next to Steve.

You kept fighting, but soon you were being pressed against the wall as well. The vines wrapped around your wrists, ankles, and soon your throat. You looked at your friends as panic began to settle in your gut. The vines were growing tighter and tighter, and there was nothing you could do to get them off. Your eyes landed on Steve, and you could feel tears welling in your eyes as you watched the vines choke him. His hands clawed at his throat as he gasped for air. All the fear you were suppressing began to boil over. You were going to have to watch yet another person you loved die in front of you. Your breathing was shallow and erratic as you closed your eyes. Several images and moments in your life played in your mind. You could see Billy dying all over again, the Mind Flayer’s arm sticking straight out of his chest. Then, images of Robin and you filled your head. You saw the first time she slept over at your house when you two laughed for hours. You saw her waving to you during a marching band performance and getting in trouble with the band director. Then, images of Nancy appeared. You saw Nancy practicing her interview skills with you in her bedroom. You saw the two of you hugging after graduating. Then, you saw Steve. You saw a young Steve walking you home from school. You saw Steve’s head in your lap while you watched scary movies on a Friday night. Then you saw the look in his eyes when he first saw you in the diner earlier that day. All the adoration and emotion playing so clearly on his face. It was all so clear in your mind.

Anger began to bubble up inside of you where fear once was. This monster, this place, took one important person from you and has terrorized the people you’re closest to for the last time. Your body began to tingle, and suddenly the images in your mind disappeared. You saw green coursing through your veins again, and then you were back in the secret Russian elevator.

“Erica, be careful!” Robin’s voice echoed in your head and was followed by a loud shattering sound.

Glass was everywhere, and your body burned. When you looked down at your hands, the mystery green goo covered them. The image faded into green, buzzing faster and faster through your body. It felt like you were on fire as the green goo burned its way through you. Your breathing quickened as your body began to tremble. All you could see was the green moving its way through every inch of you. Then, as if it were miles away, you could hear someone calling your name. It was choked and weak, and suddenly you were transported back to reality. Your eyes shot open and were burning a blazing green.

“Let. Me. Go!” You shouted before bursting through the vines.

A bright green aura surrounded you as you floated in the air. You turned toward Robin and used your hands to throw a green ball of energy at the vines restraining her. The vines screeched as you destroyed them one by one, sending Robin falling to the floor. Then, you quickly turned and did the same thing for Nancy and then Steve. Once they were all safely on the floor, they stared up at your floating figure for a beat before you slowly descended back to their level. When your feet hit the floor, the green aura that surrounded you disappeared, and your eyes returned to their normal color. Everyone stared at you in silence until Robin laughed.

“What the hell just happened?”

You looked down at your palms in awe. Although the green was no longer there, you could feel the power pumping through you. You could feel it buzzing through your veins, mixing with your blood. It was who you were now.

“Am I the only one confused right now!?” Robin shouted, throwing her arms in the air.

“No, no,” Steve said, placing a hand on her shoulder, “I’m right there with you.”

The three of them stared at you, and you just shook your head.

“Remember last year when we were stuck in that elevator, and Erica got that green goo on me? We thought nothing happened, but I guess something did.”

You looked back at your hands, flipping them over a couple of times. Robin laughed again and grabbed her head.

“How are you just now figuring this out!?”

You shrugged.

“There was nothing to unleash it until now.”

They all stared at you for another beat before you motioned toward the door behind them.

“Shall we finish this thing?”

Nancy nodded.

“Phase four. Let’s do this.”

Robin and Nancy walked toward the door, and when Steve went to follow, you grabbed his hand, stopping him.

“Steve, wait.”

When he turned to look at you, you froze. It was time. Vecna was waiting mere feet away from you two, and there was no telling whether you would survive him or not. After years of running and hiding your feelings from Steve, you couldn’t let him run into this fight without doing something. So, without thinking any more about what you were doing, you grabbed the back of his head and pulled his lips to yours. Steve reciprocated the kiss immediately, releasing your hand to grab ahold of your face to deepen the kiss. His lips danced over yours to a rhythm you never wanted to forget. His thumbs pressed into your cheeks, but you welcomed the slight sting. You wanted to commit the feeling of his hands and lips on you to memory so you would remember it forever. Before the kiss could get any more heated, you pulled back. Your and Steve’s breathing was both a little labored as you held each other’s gaze.

“I’ve always wanted to do that, so I’m doing it now just in case,” you shrugged, “you know, we die.”

You didn’t give Steve a chance to say anything back. Instead, you let go of him and walked over to Nancy and Robin, putting yourself between them and the door.

“Let me take the lead on this,” you said.

Nancy looked at you dumbfounded.

“But-”

“I’ve got it.”

You start walking up the stairs, each step careful and calculated. The anger inside of you grew the closer you got to Vecna. All the sadness that you once harbored in your heart was replaced with a fury that you were ready to unleash. You could feel the power you possessed getting stronger the more you focused on Vecna. When you took the final step and entered the attic, he finally came into view. He was suspended in the air with vines poking out of him. The second all four of you were in the room, his eyes opened, and you stepped forward. You could feel your power coursing through you, and you shut your eyes for a minute to gather yourself. When you reopened them, they were that same incandescent green from before.

Vecna didn’t say anything. He just watched as you took another step closer toward him. Your anger was a wild beast inside you as you stared at the monster that killed Billy and almost killed all of your friends.

“You ruined my life,” you said through gritted teeth.

He lowered himself to the floor.

“I don’t even know who you are.”

Your hands began to glow green as you said, “You will.”

Then, you lifted yourself off the floor, floating in the air, surrounded by that green aura again. Then, you started grabbing furniture with your powers and sent them flying toward Vecna. First a chair, then a desk, and finally a dresser. Vecna used his vines to block each article you sent his way, only enraging you more. You let out a guttural scream before you started to throw green balls of energy at him. Anger was starting to consume you as you threw ball after ball. Just like the furniture, Vecna used his vines to block each of your attacks. You stopped for a brief second, and at that moment, Vecna sent his vines to grab you. But just before they could latch onto your arms and legs, you crouched down and used your powers to stop them. You groaned as you pushed up into a standing position, then let out another scream as you obliterated them. You squared your shoulders and grabbed hold of Vecna with your powers, lifting him back into the air. You forced his arms to stretch out next to him, earning a pained groan from him. Then, you turned back to the group and shouted, “Now, Robin!”

Robin walked up next to you, lit a Molotov cocktail, and threw it at Vecna. You watched him erupt into flames before dropping him. When he landed, Nancy moved up front with you and Robin, cocked her shotgun, and fired. The loud bang vibrated your whole body. She reloaded, then shot again. You all watched as Vecna stumbled back further and further. Then, Nancy reloaded and took the final shot, sending Vecna crashing through the window and plummeting toward the ground. You all stood there for a minute, staring at the shattered window, until the ground below you began to shake again.

“You guys, I think it’s time to go,” Robin said, taking several steps toward the door.

Nancy holstered her shotgun on her back, then followed Robin, and Steve didn’t give you another moment to contemplate. He took your hand in his and practically dragged you down the stairs. When the four of you made it out of the house, Vecna’s body was lying right where he fell, motionless. Although the ground was still shaking, you stopped and took a moment to look at him, realization finally setting in. It was finally over. Vecna was dead, and you didn’t have to worry about the Upside Down ever again. A tiny laugh fell from your lips. After so much pain and suffering, it was finally over. The ground gave another violent jolt, and Steve tugged on your arm. You took a final look at Vecna before walking away.

The walk back to Eddie’s trailer turned into a run as the earth beneath you began to shake harder and harder. When you finally made it, Eddie and Dustin came running out into the road.

“Did you do it? Did it work?” Eddie asked frantically.

“Yeah,” Dustin added, “why is the ground shaking all of a sudden?”

Nancy proudly stood in front of them and nodded.

“It worked. Vecna is dead.”

The two boys let out a sigh before pulling each other into a wild embrace. You all watched as Eddie and Dustin celebrated despite the ground’s continuous shaking. You heard Robin start to chuckle and couldn’t help but join her. The fear of failure was gone now and replaced with relief. Robin let out a celebratory holler and then started jumping up and down. She grabbed Nancy and spun her around in a hug earning a laugh from the girl. Steve snaked his arm around your waist, bringing you flush with his side, and you leaned your head into him.

“Hey!” Steve shouted over their celebration. “Can we maybe finish this outside of the Upside Down?”

They all froze for a second before hustling through Eddie’s front door and to the gate. You and Steve followed and soon you all were on the other side watching the gate to the Upside Down close forever. It was finally over. Once the gate was shut and everyone had their fun celebrating the victory, everyone dispersed. Dustin decided to stay the night with Eddie in his trailer. Nancy drove Robin home, and Steve said he’d drive you to your car. Around the rest of the group, it was easy to ignore the fact that you had kissed Steve, and he kissed you back. But when the two of you were alone in his car, the air was different. The tension was thick, and neither of you spoke to the other. Instead, for the duration of the ride, you stared out the window and Steve out the windshield. When you got to your car, you mumbled a “thank you” to Steve and quickly exited his vehicle to get into yours. You didn’t wait for Steve to leave before you were driving off. Although you were happy nobody died, you now had to deal with the consequences of your bold actions. But tonight was not the night for that. When you got home, you washed the Upside Down off your body, curled into your bed, and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

The following day, you woke to an empty house, but you didn’t mind. For the first time in a long time, you weren’t restless. You weren’t on autopilot, just getting through the day. After a year of being numb, you were finally alive again. It was a feeling you didn’t realize you had missed. You were in the kitchen pouring yourself a cup of juice when your doorbell rang, pulling you from your thoughts. You made your way to your door, and when you opened it, you were met with a nervous Steve. He was fidgeting and running his hands through his hair, messing up his usually very neat locks. You furrowed your brows at him.

“Steve? What are you doing here?”

He wrang his hands in front of his torso and avoided making eye contact.

“I, um, I need to talk to you.”

Your eyes widened, and your heart skipped in your chest. You didn’t think he would come to your house to discuss what happened. In fact, you kind of hoped you had another couple of days to figure out how you were going to brush the whole kiss off as some freak accident. But that plan was shot as you stared at Steve, nearly pacing on your porch.

“Oh. Okay. Is everything alright?” You asked, playing coy.

Steve shook his head.

“No. I mean, yes, everything is fine. I just,” he stopped and let out a long breath. “We’ve been friends for a long time. Since we were kids, you’ve been one of the few people I can fully trust. You’re my best friend, Y/N.”

Your heart clenched at his words. Steve had never explicitly stated that he only wanted to be friends. In fact, there was always a part of you that held out hope that he didn’t feel that way. That, instead, he had been madly in love with you for years the same way you had been with him. But now that he was standing on your doorstep looking more anxious than you had ever seen him, you were starting to lose faith. Steve ran a hand through his hair for the umpteenth time and had his eyes trained on his sneakers.

“And,” he sighed, “for the longest time, I tried to remind myself of that because I didn’t want to lose you.”

He lifted his stare to meet yours.

“I tried to pretend that I wasn’t feeling the things I was feeling. Then you started dating Billy, and I forced myself to be happy for you because that’s what a good friend does. But every time I looked at you with him, I couldn’t help thinking, ‘That should be me. Not him.’”

Your lips parted at his words. And you wanted to jump into his arms. You didn’t need to hear him say what he was about to say because you already knew. Steve had feelings for you. He always had. You hugged yourself in an attempt to control the elation you felt as Steve continued.

“And when everything happened last year, I wanted to give you space to mourn, but then you just disappeared.”

Steve was pacing in front of you, but you didn’t stop him. Instead, you just watched him walk back and forth, intently listening to his confession.

“It felt like a part of me was missing,” Steve said, flattening his palm against his chest. “I told myself I should just move on. I told myself that’s what you did. But I couldn’t, and when I saw you in that diner, it’s like all my feelings just washed over me like a tidal wave all over again. Then you kissed me, and I knew I couldn’t deny it anymore.”

He came to a sudden stop in front of you, looked at you, and he said, “I love you, Y/N.”

It felt as if your heart exploded in your chest and your body was on fire. You had waited years to hear Steve say those words to you, and now you felt like you couldn’t control the joy that was building within you. Your arms tightened around your torso, and you pulled your bottom lip between your teeth. As you stared back at Steve, you could see the confidence slowly dissipating as his shoulders began to droop. He let out a sigh, but before he had the opportunity to open his mouth to speak again, you cupped his cheeks and attached your lips to his. Just like before, Steve melted into the kiss. It was soft yet passionate. Careful yet fervent. Every emotion and feeling both of you had been suppressing for years was somehow expressed in that kiss. Steve’s hands immediately found your waist, and he pulled you against his chest. You could feel his rapidly beating heart against you, and you were sure he could feel yours. You let go of Steve’s face and slid your arms around his neck, allowing your fingers to curl into his messy hair. Steve sighed, and you could feel his lips turn up against yours. You let the tingles of joy move through you for another minute before pulling away. Your forehead was pressed against his, and a smile spread across your face.

“I love you too, Steve,” you said before pressing your lips to his once more.

Your eyes were shut, and you were basking in the way your whole body lit up at his touch when you heard a familiar voice cheering from your driveway. You released Steve’s lips and looked to find Dustin hanging from Steve’s car a wide grin covering his face. Steve groaned, causing you to laugh.

“This was his idea, and he insisted on coming,” Steve said. “Just in case I chickened out.”

Dustin started pumping his fist in the air as he continued to cheer before you turned to face Steve again.

“Well,” you began with a smile, “I’m really glad you listened to him.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Steve traced the line of your jaw with his thumb before cupping your cheek and pulling you in for another kiss. You didn’t care that Dustin was hollering from your driveway or that you were still in your comfy clothes. All that mattered was that Steve loved you, and you loved him. You smiled into the kiss at the thought. Finally, after all these years, everything was as it should be.  

Tag List: @violetrainbow412-blog @pastel-abyss-x @lilliandanelle @ilovereadingfanfics​ @thatnerdana​

[eerna]

I really like your response to the anon asking about what are the strengths of TFOTA. I think you nailed it regarding how Holly Black hit it out of the park, and I’m curious if you can expand on what you think some of the series missteps were. (TFOTA is an all-time fave for me, but nothing is perfect!)

For me, I think the way she structures her books into different parts does make them drag a little (especially some parts of the middle of The Wicked King). Like sometimes it feels like characters are spinning their wheels a bit while she’s setting everything up for the plot, but I ultimately don’t mind this because her plots are so well executed.

As always, love your breakdowns and critiques so just curious to hear more!

Ayyy thanks, glad you agree! :D

OO yes I heard that as an often critique of her stuff! I do think you're right and the slowness is present, but to me it's not an issue since the characters are fun enough for me never to be bored. I'm the kind of reader who can enjoy the slowest thing imaginable as long as the characters interest me.

Structured like the strengths post, my main issues. 1) The YA writing style of overexplanation. These books are sometimes great at leaving things unsaid, but other times they beat you over the head with the same thing over and over again or go into explanations for stuff you'd think is understood. Example: Jude constantly repeating it is messed up she lives with the guy who killed her parents in book 1. Like. Okay. We know. Trust us we didn't forget it's wrong to kill people and steal their kids. Of course, her constantly thinking about her trauma is part of her character, but it can be expressed in different ways - examples of how this was done well were "I love Madoc, I could love anyone" or "I get scared and I remember the smell of my mother's insides". 2) The repeating stuff from my list of pros... where it doesn't belong. Sometimes characters do or say stuff because HB wants them to do or say them bc she likes to write about it, but it makes NO sense. This was my main issue with TSH - for example, there is absolutely no reason for Oak and Suren's relationship to draw parallels with Jude and Cardan's to the point of repeating phrases, because they are so different that it jerks me right out of the story being told. 3) The editor is asleep on the job. There are quite a few basic editing errors - the amount of times characters smile or grin per page, and the continuity errors. This is the most frustrating aspect because it is so easy to solve!!!!! Just read it once more and click delete!!!! 4) Sometimes HB's "let's go back and elaborate on something from the past to give it a new dimension" works great, and sometimes it makes no sense. Examples: the Ghost betraying Jude because he was forced to, Locke being an Undersea collaborator and a gancanagh. 5) Taryn. She gets her own point because I love her and it's so unsatisfying how she ended up. She spends 2 books girlbossing and being such a sympathetic traitor, then gets pregnant and decides to stop being the worst offscreen and never does another plot relevant thing again. I don't know if HB got tired of her or if she realized everyone hated her and decided to sideline her so people would stop yelling, but MAN is it such a standout bad conclusion among a sea of good ones. 6) JUSTICE FOR OAK GREENBRIAR MY SHORT KING he was always described as tiny and underdeveloped for his age RIGHT up until he became a love interest, when he SUDDENLY started towering over everyone while still overflowing with short king energy. This is a joke to end the list on a happy note but also I would pay for a version of TSH where my monster girl has to lean down to kiss her bf

[bohemian-nights]

what are your favorite bridgerton books and why? sorry, this sounds like a hw question, but i’m curious bc i enjoy hearing ur perspective on these things!

Full disclosure, I’ve only read Benedict, Francesca, Colin, Anthony, and Gregory’s books (and I’m currently reading Hyacinth’s book, which I am enjoying). So I can't talk about the other three obviously, but that being said:

1. An Offer From A Gentleman. I’ve read it four times now and I fall more in love with it with each re-read.

I know I compare everything to Jane Eyre, but it’s very Jane Eyre esc:

Orphaned girl raised by a family who treats her poorly ✅

Working-class woman who catches the eye of a man above her station ✅

Said man above her station asks her to be his mistress✅

Forces out of their control keep them apart, but eventually love conquers all✅

I love that Benedict is such a mess. I love that Benedict always wanted Sophie. I love how much he loves her. I love that he apologized to her for what he put her through when he finally got over himself.

I love how much Sophie wants to be with Benedict and how much she sticks up for him yet she’s not willing to compromise her morals for him. She's so kind and has so much integrity. She went through hell and she still comes out of it good-natured. She truly deserves all of the love in the world(and Benedict gave her that).

Their love story hits all the tropes for me.

2. When He Was Wicked. I have to go back and read this one because it’s do for a re-read, but it’s arguable the best written Bridgerton book.

It’s more of a mature novel and it’s much more spicy than the others. I absolutely adore the setting. I realized now I don’t really like the ton so the fact that a large portion of this book takes place in Scotland away from the ton is everything.

Like with AOFAG, Michael(Kedar Williams-Stirling was born to play him) falls in love with Fran first and he never stops loving her. The pining and the longing, again it just hits all those tropes for me🔥

3. On The Way To The Wedding. I debated where to put this one because I actually only like half of the book. The second half(and the epilogue which just melts your heart) really saves this from being at the bottom of the list because the first half is so boring. I do not like the house party setting. It drags on incessantly to the point where I almost quit reading this book. Gregory is kind of just a meh protagonist. Lucy kind of needs to grow a backbone. Hermione Watson kind of doesn’t need to be there. Honestly, this book would’ve been better if we cut out Hermione Watson and began the main events at the back half of the house party 🤷🏽‍♀️

4. Romancing Mr. Bridgerton. I don’t like Colin. He’s a jealous whiny baby. The only reason this book isn’t dead last is because of Penelope. She is quite sympathetic in comparison to her show counterpart and I did find myself relating to her a lot more than I expected to.

5. The Viscount Who Loved Me. I know everyone loves this book, but I do not like this book. I came in with low expectations and my expectations were still not met. People talk about Benedict being an asshole, but Anthony is a thousand times worse. He doesn’t seem sorry for what he put Kate through(unlike Benedict) and I don’t find book!Kate that compelling of a character either. Quite frankly I don't care if I never read this book again.

[crazylittlejester]

Okay, so I finally finished the big fic rec project! I'm excited about having it posted at last, it took approximately forever to do, and I still have to go back and properly read everything I speed-read because I want to leave comments. The only problem is that I have no idea how collections work on Ao3. But the Tumblr post is done, and that's the important part! Every single fic and series on there is also in my Google bookmarks folder and properly labelled, so if anything spontaneously combusts, we're all good. But heaven forbid I have to go through and format that all over again.

Anyway, we're onto today's brainrot which is kind of the whole point of this. I've been thinking about Hyrule and his cooking (again) and come to two conclusions:

First one being that it'd be funny if the reason he was bad at cooking was because he was a time traveler or something and just stuck with the Civil War and/or WWI/WWII era recipes he grew up on. What prompted this idea? Absolutely nothing. No thoughts, head empty. Like, look, I know Wild's supposed to be the one that's behind on the times, but I think he'd adapt to the modern world fairly well given everything that happens in his games. Hyrule? Hyrule doesn't care. He would just do what he's always done because it's tried and true.

Second one being that he's totally the guy that knows what is edible and then just eats it. Casually snacks on plants while they're hiking, only to look like a deer caught in headlights when the others realize what's happening. Always looking out the windows in the car and then comments on the roadkill and whether it looks salvageable. His yard is a mess and there's an actual garden in there somewhere, but no one can find it, and he doesn't really care because as long as there's edible stuff out there it's good enough. He's also just casually prepared for hiking and the apocalypse at a moment's notice for no particular reason. Definitely owns a Nokia phone and hitchhikes around when the wanderlust strikes, even though he has a perfectly good bike and Twilight's told him he can borrow the pickup truck.

I'm maybe a little bit completely enraptured with the idea of an academia AU and the new version of Hyrule I have been fixated on ever since. Field researcher Hyrule is a win in my book, and you can pry him out of my cold, dead hands.

PS: I am honored to be your "knows ridiculous amounts of random stuff for seemingly no reason" person.

I SAW UR FIC REC LIST AND I LIKED IT BUT I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHIN AND IT VANISHED SO I GOTTA GO SCROLL THROUGH MY LIKES SO I CAN FIND IT BECAUSE YOU COOKED WITH THAT AND IT DESERVES REBLOGS, ALSO I WANNA READ FICS FROM ON THERE

I’m obsessed with Hyrule just snackin on shit he walks past because he knows it’s edible. AND HE WOULD BE PREPARED FOR THE APOCALYPSE ALWAYS 😭 I LOVE HIM

im obsessed with all ur cool facts i’ve literally learned so much from you

[somuchyoudontknow]

I’m the “rant” anon that got the big yes and audience clapping gif …..thank you by the way! ☺️

I wanted to add that this situation even after everything that’s has occurred is still 100% salvageable.

Meaning Chris can make a huge comeback but this situation MUST end expeditiously.

When Chris is still offline, they can announce a breakup, don’t blame the freaking fans but make up some excuse and then boom he’s publicly single. Mind you due to the bs articles the last few days, I’m sure the general public will blame fans. We’ll get over it as long as this is the last bs he ends up in.

Next Chris needs to seek personal therapy as to why he ended up in this situation and to learn some self awareness, everyone isn’t the problem…..it’s him and his actions/inactions and choices.

As a fandom we know he runs when things get to hard and just like clockwork people were expecting him to post something on her birthday…..he ran. People also think he ran due to future crap coming like a wedding. 🙄 …….I do have a fear that he will double down and they’ll use everything listed in my previous post to try to prove once again that this bs is “real”.

Unfortunately I have no more hope regarding this situation but I’m willing to be shocked if he starts taking the reigns of his personal and professional life.

Unfortunately due to his latest podcast….I just don’t know. He seems wise one minute and completely unaware the next. He’s been privileged with so much but easily gets lost in his head or shaken by world events or the industry.

No one can’t tell me the pandemic didn’t scare him. That Lily James stunt was probably due to him being scared people would lose interest in him and he’d fade into oblivion, but out of ALL celebs he actually had good relevance which is why everyone was shocked he was participating in pr bullshit in the middle of a fucking pandemic and now even more shocked and absolutely fed up with the current bs.

He was doing so well prior to all of this and probably saw this pr crap as a means of safety financially and professionally (future projects) but he never expected this to blow up the way it did.

Now he has the perfect opportunity to fix it and take full accountability but he won’t so he saw an out of this…..blame …..US.

Chris and team need to end this publicity stunt, dead all the bs rumors of engagement and marriage talk and Chris will hopefully be able to promote his upcoming work or we may be in for the absolute worse. I truly hope this strike ends with actors and writers getting their due.

Chris seems to work in fear and eventually that leads to ending up in the worse kinds of situations.

Chris messed up, we all do, he’s human HE needs to realize that and release all these high and some unrealistic expectations of himself that he and others have placed on him.

Like I previously stated, he IS enough, but until he realizes that…….I fear for his future. We as humans will continue to make mistakes over and over again until we learn and unfortunately some just never learn and end up with completely shattered lives.

I still want the best for Chris but he has to want it for himself.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post….again. 🤭

Oh no, don't be sorry :) Thank you so much for being here. You again have made some excellent points!

[xx-vergil-xx]

So I’m officially Crushed that Hounds is finished, even though the ending was perfect! So I’ll take the opportunity to respond to the writing style thing from earlier this week. Sorry if this is too random! I have 10 billion things I love about your writing, I’ll just pick out some that come to mind spontaneously

Thing 1, I love how you write supernatural beings! Genuinely alien and scary at first, but then we spend more time with them, and find such a human core to them. Like, the potential of the supernatural-as-metaphor is realized to perfection over and over again?

There’s something so recognizable in the way Desire toys with people, in Dream’s guardedness, in the Corinthian’s hunger. One example is in the Corinthian’s interactions with Daniel, the tension between experiencing sudden unexpected freedom, but registering it as rejection, as feeling obsolete and useless because who even are you when you aren’t needed…for him, that arises from his supernatural nature as a creature literally created for a specific purpose, but for me as a reader, it still speaks to something relatable and painful. Really great stuff

Thing 2, the references! To literature, poetry, myth, music, history…I just recently read “Underland” by Robert MacFarlane (warmly recommended) and he does something similar, to similar effect. It gives everything such scope, makes it feel so much bigger than the immediate story being told, like it situates the story in some Great Narrative about all of humanity, with the references connecting it all like a myriad mycelial strands.  

Thing 3 is that I love the way you word familiar things in an unusual way, which always feels like I’m getting some kind of revelation about what the thing’s essence is. I always struggle to put into words why a certain moment, or gesture, or landscape, or person makes me feel a certain way, and then I might encounter it in your writing and suddenly I’m like “Yes, finally someone gets it!” And I especially love it when the verb is doing the heavy lifting.  Random example, how to immediately capture the eerie vibe of a lonely nighttime street – “buzzing security lights futilely scratching at the darkness”.

Aaanyway this is way too long already, but I want to just thank you again for sharing your writing :) Hope you have a good weekend!

hi??? hello??? and what if i wept??? what THEN??? what if these businessfolk on this commuter train had to watch me sniffle with pure inexpressible joy???

but seriously — wow this really sent me reeling in the best loveliest most consuming way!! it is maybe the most richly validating feeling in the world to have someone point out bits of your work they love and it is genuinely such a gift — your time and your thoughts are of immeasurable wonder and i will stuff these praises in my pockets like treasured cool rocks from a beach <3

i am thrilled my supernatural creatures hit — in even my non-fic stuff i am absolutely fascinating by scales of humanity — by the way the immensely surreal and even the seemingly ahuman can contain with in it exaggerated mirrors of the truest human experiences. i love playing with that like bizarre distortion (especially w my baby cori, but all the endless were such a sublime opportunity to Mess Around With That), and then narrowing the aperture down to try and pinpoint the real, authentic humanity that the most inexplicable wildness can contain <- all that to say made me feel crazy wonderful that you liked the way i mucked about with the wild supernatural gang !!!! bodes well for my future projects <3

i am going to put underland on my library list!! i am such a sucker for intertextuality like what if words were a sculptural medium what if by compounding text on text on text you build a form greater than the sum of its parts ANYWAY gosh makes my spirit light and free to know you liked all that <3 <3 <3 i look forward with delight to reading that book!! (also mycelial is such a brilliant word thank you for reminding me it exists <3)

the moments of articulating specific little feelings are generally the ones i beat my head against the wall about the most and so it is genuinely so rewarding to know that they hit and they resonate <3 and verbs!! to the chagrin of some professors i tend to insist on giving descriptions active agency and it is again wonderously validating to know that that’s a vibe!!! thank you thank you thank you <3

this really make me feel like my body was full of light and i’m going to have a real killer of a day now <3 thank you so so so much for your kind words they mean everything under the sun to me <3

[the-teddy-bear-butch]

and here I am again, being a menace in your inbox. 1, 3, 4, 6, 11, 13 for run away (crying to your soul)

Hello again! Fun fact, I fully believe this fic to be my worst fic even though it’s my most popular 🤪

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?

I saw a TikTok about Steve getting Vecna’d and his song being Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears For Fears > I started thinking about Vecna songs > what the fuck would Robin’s be? > oh Robin would be such a good candidate to be Vecna’d actually > looking for Robin gets Vecna’d fics and not finding many > “fine I’ll do it myself” > spontaneously writing my first fanfic fucking ever and proceeding to dive face first into the worst case of brainrot I’ve ever had to date. Hallelujah

3: What’s your favorite line of narration?

Cheating again, this is technically in an unfinished chapter so sneak peek ig hehe

Nancy had revenge tattooed on her heart, black ink that sank deep into the muscle, turning it hard and blackened and cold. Her wrath was all encompassing. A bullet, chilled lead, sat heavy in her pocket, carved with one, singular name: Vecna. She would kill him for what he had done to her hometown, but especially for hurting Robin. And she would survive the encounter on ice cold rage and spite alone.

In conclusion: Nancy Wheeler shoot me please <33

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

Again dialogue is one of my weak points help omfg

“There is a suspicious number of love songs,” she teased.

Nancy hid her face in her hands.

“Robbie—“ she whined, cutting herself off. She seemed to be struggling for words.

“‘Crush On You’ by The Jets? ‘Lay All Your Love On Me’ by ABBA? ‘True Blue’ by Madonna?” she listed, wiggling her eyebrows. Nancy dissolved into a flustered mess.

“It really seems like you’re trying to say something, princess.”

She was so certain of it, Robin realized. Their shared moments over the past few days played over and over in her mind, and she came to a pair of conclusions.

She liked Nancy Wheeler. And Nancy Wheeler liked her back.

“Robbie, I’m going to kill you,” Nancy groaned, shoving the other girl away.

Robin smirked, flopping back on the bed.

“I was hoping for another k word,” she teased.

I really like writing these bitches just being soft for each other. Silly gay people. They fill me with cuteness aggression and I’m shaking them violently

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

Well for one, this is legitimately the first fic I’ve ever written. I spontaneously hopped on the fic writing train late late late July this year with this fic, and it’s still ongoing. I think it’s messy and the pacing is weird and it’s unbeta’d but it’s kind of charming like that I guess, and I like to think you can kind of see how I fell into the characters and developed my writing style as the story goes on? Idk, it has the same energy as ugly-cute animals, like pugs.

11: What do you like most about this fic?

Stop making me be nice to this flaming piece of garbage 🔫

But in all seriousness, like I said, I think you can track my development as a fic writer over the past several months, and I really enjoy the dynamic between Robin and Nancy through this whole thing. I also think my music choices are very Big Brain and Correct.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

I have an unofficial fic playlist that I used just for writing vibes, as well as the mixtape Nancy made for Robin in one of the later chapters! Basically a lot of 80’s music and Maya Hawke with a couple other songs sprinkled in because they were favorites at the time or just the vibes were fitting. Specific shoutout to “Smalltown Boy” by Bronski Beat as Robin’s Vecna song, and “Seventeen” by Janis Ian being runner up. I did a bit of research in queer music artists of the 80’s because it was important to me that, whether or not she knew it, Robin’s Vecna song was by a queer person/band! Also special shoutouts to this playlist and this playlist, which are just favorite songs and work really well for me to write to. (I have the best music taste, actually, btw, and I don’t have an ego about it—)

[blocksruinedme]

12. and 18?

Author's Behind the Scenes Question: List here! Asks open

12) Is there a trope you haven’t written yet but really want to?

Time Travel! One of the prompts for #smallethoweek is a favorite trope, and i instantly started planning out a time travel fic and realized it would be something like 20k. I adore time travel, but it's hard to get write, and if I do it I want to do it thoroughly.  Another fave is memory fuckage, but I've got that in unpublished wips, though it's all specifically "remembering other series". I did come up with an idea for #smallethoweek with much more simple amnesia, we'll see.

18) What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

This is why this ask took so long. Went with the beginning fight of the first mcyt fic I wrote: MY EX STOLE MY SOULMATE.. | Empires SMP S2 1.19

some quotes

“You gave up the right to have me care about what you think of me when you fired me, without even talking to me! Just decided everything we’d done together was nothing, that everything I’d done for you didn’t matter. You are corrupt! I’m looking out for the best interests of everyone here, with someone like you claiming to have authority over them. It’s not about you, Jimmy! We’re happy here in Gobland, and you’re not part of this and no one needs you, so get out of here before I kill you again.”

“You’re not happy! Stop lying! You’re using him! This is all literally because you found out what we are, what we’d had, and you actually couldn’t handle it! Couldn’t handle that I’d had something good without you! Couldn’t let me have that again! I don’t care if you imagine you’re happy, but he deserves better, so much better than you.”

[skipping a head a bit]

“Jimmy, he’s a fucking adult, he can do whatever he wants. I’m not holding him captive in a cage. I offered him a job that he loves and is very good at. What would he do with you, raise some fucking cows? Try and make your town less boring? Pick up after you and all your messes, like I did? Try to keep you from flying off and doing idiotic things, try to keep you safe from your own issues, try to get you to grow up and actually respect yourself and everyone else? He’s happy, and I want him here, he’s amazing and there’s really no way you could appreciate him like I do.”

Here's the commentary!

- I wrote this fic in <12 hours and published it immediately. It was the first mcyt fic I published. There's a detailed timeline somewhere in this blog. It was a fever dream

- Since the fwhimmy breakup I had been wanting to write a reconciliation fic. I'd read a post by @umbrify that gave me a headcanon of what was going on, and I wanted to use that to get them back together... well, even more together that before. I kept poking at a fic, but I fundamentally couldn't get them to talk in a productive way.

- The morning the crossover dropped, I watched several episodes, I screamed, I thought things. All day long thoughts brewed. At 5pm I was walking to my car and messaging @toasted-cricket and realized I could use their relationships with Tango to drag them back together. I genuinely wondered if that was part of why Tango went to Gobland, to help the creators get through this conflict that was maybe kind of dragging. 

- 10 minutes later I was on my couch and wrote without stopping for I think three hours, then on and off until I published a bit after midnight. Unlike most of my writing, I didn't do a formal outline, and I didn't leave placeholders for finding better words or doing more dialogue, it all just flowed out of me like I was possessed. Finally I could make fWhip and Jimmy say what they felt! I was so deeply relieved to get it out of them, to have a world where it resolves, because there is a horrific lack of s2 fwhimmy fic!!!

- I felt good about the scene and the fic as a whole. I wasn't sure how to tag it, it wasn't *that* angsty, right? They got to resolving it quickly, is this even angst? hot damn I was wrong. I got comments the next day about how it was brutal, and in one response I said " I was so possessed as I wrote it I didn't even realize how brutal it was, just the truth flowing out. :)". I kind of cheated in this fic by not having them really address the issues, just say them. And then I wrote a sequel about weeks passing without any detailed discussion, which i still need to finish. 

- For reasons I don't understand, this is my most popular fic, 3x the kudos of the next. At first I assumed it was the novelty of being a zero day ship, but the ship didn't get much more content so I expected it to drop off. I guess this means it's better than I thought? Or maybe I truly was possessed by a muse who Had Something To Say. Hopefully they'll come back for more fic. :)

here's more of that scene under the cut

It was even harder to keep track of time in the cave than at home, so far from the sun. Tango didn’t know if it was anything approximating dinner time, but he defaulted to calling meals “dinner” and went off in search of it. As he came to the main level, he heard voices from one of the buildings. Tango was about to call out when he realized the voices sounded upset, so he kept his mouth shut as he approached.

“--I haven’t done anything wrong, I certainly haven’t broken any of your so-called ‘laws’ that you don’t even follow.”

fWhip sounded defensive and angry. Awkward! Maybe Tango shouldn’t say hi after all.

The voice that responded was so angry, so cold and so hard that it took Tango a moment to recognize it at all.

“There are things that are wrong that aren’t in the laws. You know that. Things like basic human decency.”

“Hey I’m a gob–”

“Shut up, fWhip.”

fWhip shut up. Tango was pretty sure most people who knew him would shut up if they heard Jimmy sound like that, it was so unnatural and upsetting. What the hell had fWhip done to make Jimmy sound like this?

Tango guessed Jimmy was waiting to make sure fWhip was going to stay shut up. Maybe he was moving around, maybe he was staring at fWhip, maybe he was staring off in another direction. It was frustrating to not be able to see what was going on, but bursting in seemed very… unwise.

When Jimmy resumed, his voice was still deadly serious, but a bit less disturbing. “I’m going to talk now. Do not interrupt me.”

There was a pause. Maybe there was a nod from fWhip, or maybe a refusal to say or indicate anything.

Jimmy spoke clearly and deliberately. Had he practiced this speech? Maybe, this really wasn’t what Jimmy normally sounded like.

“I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to hurt me. You insult me, you have a whole campaign of trying to get people to disrespect me, you try to ruin my career, and now this. I know why you’re doing this, and it’s literally unbelievable. You’re really something else. I can’t believe we were ever… anything to each other. Give it up. Stop pulling other people into your stupid revenge plot. I’m the one who got killed, over and over, I’m the one who got a warden in his base. You’re not the victim, fWhip!”

Aww fuck. This sounded bad. Very very bad. Tango had picked up that fWhip was part of the whole “Jimmy is a toy” game, but he thought it was a friendly running joke. Oops?

It didn’t take long for fWhip to respond. “Are you done with your little speech, Sheriff? Do you want a little round of applause for your performance?”

Tango heard the most sarcastic applause he’d ever heard, and he hung out with Cleo. fWhip’s voice was cold and low, and he was straight up sneering. Tango had only known him for a few… for however long he’d been here, but he’d never heard him sound anything like this. What the fuck was going on?

“Well that’s all well and good, but I don’t care what you think is going on, I don’t care what you think about anything. No matter what you think, the whole server doesn’t revolve around you, Jimmy. We have our own lives and emotions and... and everything.”

fWhip faltered for a moment, but continued on. Less cold and sarcastic, more angry.

“You gave up the right to have me care about what you think of me when you fired me, without even talking to me! Just decided everything we’d done together was nothing, that everything I’d done for you didn’t matter. You are corrupt! I’m looking out for the best interests of everyone here, with someone like you claiming to have authority over them. It’s not about you, Jimmy! We’re happy here in Gobland, and you’re not part of this and no one needs you, so get out of here before I kill you again.”

Oh fuck. Tango headed towards the door, hoping he could stop an actual murder.

Jimmy exploded at fWhip. Tango had heard him angry before, with all the shit that went down on Double Life, but this was something else, something much more… personal?

“You’re not happy! Stop lying! You’re using him! This is all literally because you found out what we are, what we’d had, and you actually couldn’t handle it! Couldn’t handle that I’d had something good without you! Couldn’t let me have that again! I don’t care if you imagine you’re happy, but he deserves better, so much better than you.”

Tango froze just outside the door as soon as he heard “him.” What?

Meanwhile fWhip was almost shouting. “What better, you? Sheriff? You’ve ignored him since you got here!”

“That’s because you literally stole him, to-- to turn him against me! To put him in your weird cave and, and, make him forget about the sun! Everything is weird now! You can’t stand that I actually had someone who made me happy, that I had a partnership that worked, someone who would never betray me, unlike half the people on that server treated their partners. We’re real soulmates. What Tango and I had was actually so special, and you’ve never had anything like that, so you took him away from me!”

fWhip was now actually shouting. Jimmy kept trying to interrupt him, but he just kept going. “Jimmy, he’s a fucking adult, he can do whatever he wants. I’m not holding him captive in a cage. I offered him a job that he loves and is very good at. What would he do with you, raise some fucking cows? Try and make your town less boring? Pick up after you and all your messes, like I did? Try to keep you from flying off and doing idiotic things, try to keep you safe from your own issues, try to get you to grow up and actually respect yourself and everyone else? He’s happy, and I want him here, he’s amazing and there’s really no way you could appreciate him like I do.”

Tango unfroze and headed to the door, even though he desperately wanted to run away from all this. He heard movement inside as he reached the door.

“Get out and don’t you ever come back.”

Jimmy and Tango’s heads swung towards the door alarmingly fast as Tango walked in.

“Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, I’m sure there’s enough of me to go around.”

Tango forced his voice to be as casual and humorous as possible, forced himself to smile like he wasn’t walking in on a potential murder, about… him?? It was a gambit, but Tango had no idea how to approach this besides humor, and he really wanted this fight to stop.

[sturkillerbase]

I have thought about how and what I would write this text for a very long time now (months, honestly), and yet I’m now sitting here staring at my keyboard without having any idea how to even begin.

Now, this is a longer version of a previous, more straight forward post, which you probably got here from. If not, well, this is basically a letter(?) of what has been going on in my life ever since 2022, when I vanished from this website. I didn’t get into specific details because that would make this post unnecessarily long, and also there’s very personal information in all of it. You understand.

I’m sorry if my paragraphs don’t make much sense. I was stuck in the beginning, but then as I started writing, all just came to me and I just kept writing without paying attention to coherence.

Well, here we go.

2022 wasn’t easy. Good things happened, but I was down, and I only realized, or, better yet, accepted how down I was by the end of 2023. It’s been a long journey – longer mentally than it’s been in actual time. To me, it felt like 2023 was, at the very least, two years long. 2022 seems to have happened such a long time ago, and also seemed to last for longer than 12 months.

I started my post grad by the very end of 2022, in the area that I’ve always dreamed of working, and while I am very happy with it and I like the things I’ve studied so far, it has come with a lot of issues. Not only the regular struggles of a student, but also issues with the institute. Me and my classmates have been dealing with a lot of problems with the school we’re in for several months now, and this has been draining a lot of my energy and leaving me with quite a bad humor (there might even be a lawsuit – yes, it’s that bad).

Now, the regular stress of being in a university, along with unnecessary problems AND figuring out things about myself has left me in a state of constant tiredness. Around August of last year, I began to feel exhausted. And by October-November, I was so overtaken by exhaustion that I just accepted any fate that came my way, no matter how bad it was. I was sure that I was gonna fail my last three classes of the year. How I didn’t, I honestly do not know.

I stopped doing the things that I like. I barely watched any movies or series. I didn’t read for fun. I don’t know when was the last time I drew something. I only wrote academic texts. I gave up on any ideas I had before I even started them. I closed myself to the world and lost contact to many people I know, dear friends even. I haven’t been passionate about anything in over a year and I miss that. I miss that so much.

Also, by the end of 2022, I had a health issue that led to a drastic body change, and of course everyone just had to make all kinds of comments on how I looked and compare me to how I used to look – and even make some jokes about it. It happened absurdly fast, and I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I stopped doing my makeup (a therapy to me), and I avoided taking photos at all costs (and hated and deleted the ones I did take).

Last but no least, I spent more than half the year broke. Paycheck to paycheck. I only got to breath again this very month. It was actually surprising how something that required a great amount of money happened every month, I could barely save a single buck. That alone is enough to mess up with your head and increase stress to off-world levels.

Although a lot of stuff that happened have a root in 2022, this was all in 2023. 2022 was a case apart, and I might make a post talking about it, but, honestly? It’ll more like a vent, a dump on everything that happened, than anything else. I don’t want, much less expect, to make people feel sad about my life or any other dramatic act like that.

Well, moving on!

Now, as I said, good things happened in 2023 as well, and I’m not going to focus on the bad ones only. So here’s a list of good (and great) things/things that made me happy last year (in no specific, much less chronological order):

I was finally studying what I wanted to;

I began taking Italian classes, met very nice people, and became friends with the teacher, an amazing person;

I got my first job!!! (as an English teacher/tutor)

I had the chance to see one of my all-time favorite bands live;

To see that band, I traveled to a city I’d been to 10 years prior and always dreamed of going back.

It was in the neighboring country, so international traveling I guess(?) (you might be thinking “But Ana, how were you able to do that if you had money problems?” Well, I had saved money for this event alone and never touched it, and my money problems started after I came back home);

I joined a group of fans so I wasn’t alone at the concert and made friends with many people there;

Had a weird fling with one of them actually (weird not as in bad, but as in complicated. Story for some time else);

Lowered the posology of my medicines three times!!!;

Barbenheimer!;

Went to my first ever stand-up comedy show and it was pretty fun. Went to others after that;

Left my job – it was stressing me out with, again, unnecessary, easy to solve problems. Leaving was the best decision to make for the sake of my already weakened mental health;

Became a private teacher;

Went to a concert of an artist I grew up listening to and admiring (also the ticket was a gift!);

Didn’t flunk any classes.

That’s all I can think of so far. I might add more to this post as I remember things or as some of you ask me about.

Also, I’ll start writing my final article very soon, and that’s gonna be a whole new rollercoaster. But that’s something for future Ana to worry about. No point crying over not-yet-spilled milk.

[nandostateofmind]

Goals Are Dangerous!!!

Playing it Close to the Chest….

Goals are a beautiful mess. Goals help you achieve things that you never thought possible. Goals are great for guiding for actions and improving your situation. However, goals can be dangerous as fuck. Or better stated, goals spoken out loud can be dangerous as fuck. Goals spoken give you the same dopamine hit that actually achieving the goals do. With that being said I achieved exactly one of my goals listed in 2022. Only one. Well………… Two I “read” 15/16 books out of the 10 I “goaled” for myself but that’s relative because I didn’t physically read them they were read to me om Audible. So if I allow myself the leeway of having been read to instead then I “finished” 15/16 books in 2022. The Only other goal I hit was I made over 100K. That’s it.

On a list of 13 goals for 2022 I did two. I realized too late that many of my goals were dependent on other people being involved. I’m trying to not make that mistake again in 2023 these goals are for me and me alone. Somethings were achieved because of unforeseen circumstances. Some things weren’t achieved because of a change in goals mid-year. Somethings were subjective dependent on others to get to them. Others however were my failures and mine alone. Those are the ones that bother me most…

I never reached 200 lbs flat. I did end up weighing more than I ever weighed post weight loss surgery though. At one point reaching as high as 242lbs again which depressed me and made me feel like I was going to end up fat and sick again. I was drinking suddenly all the time. It became habitual to drink every weekend at least one day. Often that one day of drinking wasn’t a single drink it was to get tipsy or sometimes even drunk. Ultimately, I lost some weight I’m back to 229.4lbs this morning and I have put back the goal of being 200lbs. My mentality has changed largely in part to reading a book called Mini-habits by Stephen Guise. It stresses creating small habits to change your mentality and achieve goals. With that being said I stopped focusing on reaching 200lbs and I have begun focusing on make better choices in exercise and diet and focusing the next lb instead all the lbs I want to lose. If I lost just one lb a month but keep it off for a year that’s 12lbs that not bad at all and imagine if I keep that trend going for 3 years I would be well below my goal of 200lbs. So that’s all im doing making small manageable changes towards it. No drastic shit that ultimately fails because of overreaching trying to do too much at once.

I didn’t run a 5K because I injured my knee unexpectedly. I don’t expect it to improve without rehab or possibly surgery. I may try this anyway with a brace depending on the health of my knee. I didn’t invest 8k. I realized I was getting about 8-12% returns on my passively managed investments and I was paying out 18-19% on my credit cards so I felt like I was kind of losing 10%. So I reduced how much I was investing to reflect that change of goal. That being said I didn’t pay off the percentage of debt I had hoped to in 2022. I didn’t take 2 vacations, I only went on one, or one that including a flight somewhere mainly because my wife didn’t really have the time or agree on the locations I wanted to travel to. I didn’t learn to edit videos and frankly, I didn’t look at my goals list enough to make this a priority. My wife was busy running her therapy business to run her beauty line business but I made no real effort to help make that better. I didn’t list my eBay stuff out of pure laziness, I definitely had the time. I am obsessed with Brazilian jiujitsu but I understand that the ranking is subjective and that the journey is part of it so I didn’t get two stripes on my blue belt but this one doesn’t hurt. I don’t mind I know that the stripes mean nothing unless you are a black belt. So until the color of the belt changes it isn’t a huge hang up for me. So, I included stripes for my 2023 but that the one that matters the least to me especially I don’t particularly feel ready for my purple belt anyway.

Now here are the two that I failed at miserably. I didn’t blog much at all and absolutely positively purchased shoes and sneakers, many of them. The blogs I am using my same mini habit strategy for that this year. Which is set a super small goal to achieve daily towards it. A goal so small that even on my worst day I could manage it. My goal for blog writing is two sentences a day, which resulted in this blog itself. Now the sneakers and shoes……..I may give you on that one and just accept that like Brazilian jiujitsu I want to be a part of it the rest of my life. ​

Which brings us to 2023. 200lbs is again the gift and the curse the dragon I’m chasing forever and always. 2 stripes on my blue belt the least important but the most fun to chase. Compete in two Brazilian Jiujitsu tournaments regardless of outcome but just to overcome the fear of it. Read or listen to 10 more books, which should be easy considering I only have to listen and absorb the books. Writing 30 blogs may not be realistic but hey only 29 left let’s see what dreams may come. Lowering my debt is happening by default because I did a debt consolidation that is 36 months I believe or 48 months and by simple mathematics by the end of the year as long as I don’t increase my debt 25% will automatically be gone just because of the nature of the consolidation. Going to the gym twice a week, another fairly simple one because I love Brazilian jiujitsu and I love weight training so twice a week feels deeply manageable but I may edit that one to work out twice a week for the sake of not forgetting to work out at home if I need to. Drilling more Brazilian moves is for me to feel I’m making an effort at getting better every day. Finally comes making more love. This began as a joke that I sent to my wife but fuck that this is genuinely a goal. Love making improves my mood and focus. So for 2023, I want to make sure more of these goals are met. I’m going to try my best, best of luck to any of you who may stumble upon this. Success isn’t a finite thing there’s enough for everyone, your success doesn’t directly correlate to my failure so I hope we all win!

[wraithcxre]

loving (2/2)

i experienced lots of grief. heartbreaks. betrayal. especially abandonment. i cannot stress how much abandonment i received from everyone who i was supposed to fall back on when i needed it. when i was bullied and i told my parents, i was told to toughen up. when i needed a friend, they told me they were busy only to see them gradually replace me with someone else, never to hang out with me again. i got cheated on thrice in a relationship i gave so much of myself to. all the lists of how people let me down never fell short and they were all audited to the back of my head like files that you always keep ‘just in case’, kept and buried but never forgotten.

i don’t know when, how or why but one time when i was watching lee hwan-kyung’s miracle in cell number seven, the scene which the daughter was being seperated from the dad minutes before getting executed made me spiral into a guttural mess. i was sobbing my guts out, back hunched over, my stature akin to a fetus. i was clutching my chest. i felt so much things. and it scared me. it seemed as if the bottles of emotion that i hid away from years finally came crashing down the shelves when a single thing toppled them over - serving as the final straw. maybe it was my inner child triggered from a tangled en masse of electra complexes.

from that point forward, i started feeling more... things. i grew more sensitive, a juxtaposition to who i was back then. i used to have a blatant disregard and a huge anger for the world and i still do, just that it’s sublimated now with the thirst for authentic love and goodness that comes with hopeful existentialism. i loved harder, allowed myself to indulge, allowed myself to grow fond, to have attachments but at the same time, it hurt so bad. it hurts so bad to be linked with a string to people and things you love that when you’re tugged, you’re pulled into so many directions. it seizes you. it’s like i retrieved the privilege to feel, to be human, when i used to feel like i didn’t belong, that i wasn’t. i wanted to be human now more than ever and that’s why i wanted and craved love so much. 

now i cry, i weep for the childhood that i can never rewrite. i wept prior to writing this, to mitski’s live performance of drunk walk home. i cry when i knew only my sad playlists could completely understand me. i cry when i remember all the people that i miss, but never want to come back. i cry when i remember the fun times that i had with my dad at six, when we used to play chess until the ungodly hours of the day or the times when life was simpler. when i still was gratified with ice cream when i had a perfect score. i cry for the nostalgia of romantic love because i want it so bad but i know i’ll find ways to intrinsically repel it. i cry because i know no one will take the time to read this. i cry because i know i’ll be lonely and  i cry harder because i want the kind of love that fights for me when i’m fighting with myself, because only through strife will i feel earned. i’ve worked all my life to be loved and i want to be worked for in return. because it wasn’t all about being easy - i realize, and that with all i want comes complication. i’m tired of being easy, being the best, being convenient. i want to be unforgivingly myself and to be loved as if i was perfect despite it.