#I’m supposed to be writing right now

[sunflowerscottie]

There’s just so much gay longing in RE: Extinction, RE: Afterlife, and RE: The Final Chapter. I mean, they are literally the only movies in that franchise that I watch repeatedly the way I do. People will tell you Apocalypse is the best one but that’s just not true. It’s Extinction. It’s always going to be Extinction. That scene with the crows is just so fucking good, and the chemistry between Alice and Claire is flawless. When Claire screams in anguish and rage and Alice starts fighting the programming? Amazing! Quality! That timing and the choice to use Claire are purposeful, I am telling you.

The fact that when Alice wakes up at the end of The Final Chapter to see Claire’s face? When so often that role is played by the love interest? Let me tell you there is no way that they didn’t do that purposefully. It’s Alice and Claire at the end of the world, baby. If those three movies proved anything, it’s that they understand each other on a deep level.

I mean, Claire dropped Doc like a hot potato, no regrets, the minute Alice turned up again. There was no heartbreak there, you can see it in her face. There was anger and disgust, but she didn’t look like she was losing the love of her life. Not like how she looked when it seemed like Alice was going to have to sacrifice herself (again) to save the world. When Claire thought Alice was going to die, it looked like her heart was being ripped out of her chest. I don’t think she could kill Alice even if Alice betrayed her. (I mean, she probably could, but it would be a very different scene from the one with Doc.)

You cannot make this shit up, and if they made another movie, they’d have to pair Alice and Claire together canonically because I’m pretty sure that 75% of the active fan base is sapphic women who love watching beautiful women wield weapons (it’s certainly not the video game fans!), and we’d riot.

[morphean42]

Don’t give me soulmates, give me ‘I’ll find you in every universe not because we are meant to be, but because I chose you over everyone else’. Give me ‘we were never supposed to meet, but I will never love anyone more than you’. Give me ‘the universe didn’t tell us we were destined to be lovers, but I decided to love you anyway’

There’s something inherently more romantic about choosing someone on purpose than just loving them because that’s what is supposed to happen

[dreamofbecoming]

ok fuck it context now on ao3

—

“I’m freaking out, man!”

“You’re what? Why? This is like, what you’ve been waiting for, isn’t it?”

“I mean, yeah, dude, but now it’s here, it’s happening, and tomorrow it’ll be done and I can’t take it back!”

“Do you want to take it back? Because I think that’s a terrible idea, but if it’s really what you want, I’ll sneak you out the back right now.”

Dustin deflates a little, slumping into the plush chair this weird little church greenroom was nice enough to provide. “No, I don’t want to leave. Of course I don’t.”

Steve puts his hands on Dustin’s shoulders, not massaging, just resting. He doesn’t want to smear too much of his scent onto him before the ceremony, but old habits die hard. Steve suspects he’s always going to want to scent the kids for comfort, even though they’re literally all grown and starting families of their own and don’t need their old omega babysitter anymore.

Case in point, Dustin’s wedding is meant to start in, oh, looks like about 25 minutes, so Steve has to smooth this crisis over double time.

“What’s really bothering you, Dust? You were over the moon yesterday, and the day before that, and every day since you and Susie proposed to each other. Hell, every day since you met! What’s going on now?”

There’s a pause, which is always unsettling coming from Dustin, who hasn’t shut up for more than twelve consecutive minutes in the decade plus Steve has known him, but then he sighs.

“She wants kids.”

Steve’s brow furrows. “And you…don’t?”

Dustin huffs, frustration rising in his scent. “It’s not that I don’t, it’s that I don’t know if it’s a good idea, you know?”

“And you guys haven’t talked about this before now? You’ve been together for like eleven years, dude!”

“We have, of course we have! I’m just thinking about the risks, Steve! I’m a beta, I can’t carry her pups, and pregnancies are dicey for alpha females! What if something happens?”

“First of all don’t call women females, it’s weird. Erica or Nance will definitely smack you for that, and you don’t need a black eye in your wedding photos.” Dustin nods, cringing a little.

“Second, pregnancy isn’t the only option, man, and also it’s her decision. If she wants to carry them, that’s a discussion you need to have with her, but you can’t just shut her down about it. She knew you were a beta when she decided to marry you. She picked you because she loves you, don’t go deciding for her she’s better off with someone else. And besides, if you decide it doesn’t feel right for both of you, you can talk about adoption, or surrogacy, or…I don’t know what all the options are, but I bet there’s tons! Hell, I’d carry for you guys, if you wanted.”

“You would?” Dustin’s eyes get big and shiny almost immediately, and shit, Steve’s gotta shut this down now. The groom can’t be going out there with red eyes and tear stains, Susie will murder Steve on principle.

But he can’t lie to Dustin. Swore he never would, not when it mattered. “Course I would, man, what’s family for? Aw hell, kid, don’t cry, your mate will run me over with her car if your photos are fucked up because of me.”

“I just- I can’t believe you’d do that for me! You don’t even know if I’ll be any good at it!”

Ah, so that’s what this is really about.

“Of course you’ll be good at it, Henderson. You’d be an incredible dad, any kid would be lucky to have you. I mean, your kids are gonna turn out to be nerd city, but that was always a given.”

Dustin gives him a bitchy little eye roll, which was of course Steve’s aim. He still smells anxious, though.

“How can you be sure, though? It’s not like I have any idea what a dad is supposed to be like, you know? It’s why I kept latching onto older male figures, no offense to you and Eddie.”

Little shit. “You should be so lucky, you little twerp.”

Dustin shoves him away, but he’s grinning now, and his scent is slowly returning to the lemon-bright joy that colors it so often Steve just associates it with Dustin’s base scent at this point, so he’ll take the win.

“You really wanna know how I know you’ll make a great dad, Dustybun?”

“Don’t fucking call me that, today’s supposed to be my day!”

“I’m your best man, I’ll call you whatever I want. Seriously though, I have a story for you.”

“A story, huh? I don’t know, Eddie’s more the storyteller in your relationship…”

“I’m gonna go out there and tell your bride to delay the ceremony because you shat your slacks and need new ones, you menace.”

“Okay, okay!” Dustin laughs. “Tell your story.”

“I was gonna put this in my speech later, but I think you need to hear it now, and honestly it might be more about me than you, and I don’t want to steal the spotlight or anything.”

“Not worried about that, but I’m intrigued.”

“You know how when you’re a kid, you learn how to pick out emotion scents by context clues, from like your family and stuff?”

Dustin lifts an unimpressed eyebrow. “Yes, Steve, I’m aware of one of the foundational tenets of our society, which we all personally experienced.”

“Almost fifteen years I’ve known you, and your attitude hasn’t improved one bit, you know that?”

Dustin waves imperiously for him to continue. Steve glares at him, but they really are running short on time.

“You ever know a kid who had like, a gap? Some feeling they had never run into before, so they didn’t know what the smell meant?” Dustin shakes his head, looking curious.

“There was this girl in my class when we were like, seven? Eight? Something like that. Anyway, she borrowed Tommy’s favorite eraser, one of those animal-shaped ones with the faces printed on? He loved that thing. The girl, Cassie, she broke it, by accident. Tommy lost his shit. I’d never seen him so angry. And like, you know how little kids emotions don’t really come through that strong? He smelled like, grown-up angry. Filled the whole room. Freaked the teacher out, too. Everyone’s backing the hell up out of Tommy’s way, even me. But Cassie was just confused. Because no adult in her life had ever been truly angry around her, so she hadn’t learned what it smelled like yet.”

Dustin is listening avidly, looking gratifyingly similar to how he does when Eddie DMs.

“Anyway, Tommy slapped her so hard it left a bruise, got his dumb ass suspended. But I just remember being so jealous, you know? Can you imagine? Eight years old and never knew what anger smelled like. Hell, at that point anger was just what home smelled like to me.”

Aw shit, now Dustin just smells sad.

“Do you remember when I drove you to the Snow Ball?”

Dustin’s got his thinking face on now, trying to figure out why Steve keeps jumping all over the place. Sue him, he’s no Eddie.

He nods anyway.

“Before you got out of the car, when I told you I’d come back to pick you up, you gave me this huge smile, and the car filled up with something I’d never smelled before. Not really, anyway. Maybe like, in passing, you know? Like in the hallway at school, but always faint and never towards me, so I never focused on it.”

Dustin’s eyebrows are totally scrunched up now, little genius brain whirring away. Goddamn brat never had any patience.

“I didn’t ask about it, because I wasn’t sure it was important, and also a little because I felt like enough of a caveman around you little rocket scientist dweebs I didn’t need you explaining feelings to me too, but I kept smelling it from you after that. And from El, and a little from Lucas and Max and even once from your mom, but it was just confusing, you know? I couldn’t figure out what was causing it, so I had no context clues to figure out what it meant.

“And then at Starcourt, after Robin and I went to go puke up those Russian drugs—”

“Ditched me and Erica who were very responsibly trying to wrangle you, you mean.”

“Tomato, tomahto, kid. Anyway, I told her I had a crush on her and she panicked and came out to me, so I switched to making fun of her crush so she would know I was okay with it, and suddenly there was that smell again. First time I ever smelled it coming from her. So after everything was done, I asked her.”

“Oh, so you’ll ask her, but not me? Hurtful, Steve.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “Yeah, shithead, because Robbie already knew I was a moron, and she was never gonna want to go out with me, so I didn’t need to impress her. I could look stupid to Rob back then, but I still wanted you guys to think I was cool.”

“Steve, buddy, my brother, my best friend, my favorite jock please don’t tell Lucas I said that, we literally never thought you were cool.”

“Now who’s being hurtful?”

“Just the truth, Munson. I tell it like it is.”

“Ugh, whatever. The point is, I asked Bobbie what she felt for me in that bathroom, and she told me that’s when she realized she would love me forever. That we were going to be best friends.”

Dustin looks stricken.

“That’s what I was smelling all that time. Honey. That’s what I smelled in the car in the Hawkins Middle parking lot. You loved me. You were literally the first person in my whole life who ever did.”

“Steve—”

“This isn’t—look, I know it’s kind of sad and pathetic for kid Steve, but this isn’t about that. It’s not about me, okay? It’s about how my whole life turned around the day Dustin Henderson decided he loved me, because he never stopped. Not for a single second of the last thirteen years, and because you loved me then, I have a platonic soulmate and a horde of little siblings and a mate I adore and more friends than I can count on all my fingers and toes! You’re the one who encouraged me to go to cosmetology school, you’re the one who introduced me to Eddie, you’re the one who stood by me and let me crash on your mom’s couch when my parents kicked me out. My life is full of love, and joy, and purpose, and it all started with you, Dustin. I’m here because you loved me, and because once you started loving me you never stopped. I have smelled honey on you every single day since the 1984 Snow Ball, and that’s how I know you’ll be an incredible father. Because if you have all that love for a washed up ex-jock omega nobody had ever loved before? You’ll have all that and more times a million for any kid lucky enough to call you Dad.”

They’re both crying by now. Susie is gonna kill them for sure, but as Dustin buries himself in Steve’s arms like he’s still six inches shorter, Steve decides it doesn’t matter. This is worth it.

There’s a knock at the door, just in time it seems.

“Dingus, baby Dingus, you in there? T minus 5 minutes, boys, stick those feet in the oven if you gotta!”

“Yeah, Bobs, I hear you! We’ll be out in a sec, no cold feet in sight.”

“Roger that, bubba! I’ll inform the bride!” He can hear her racing off, probably dancing with pre-wedding excitement. For a cynical lesbian who has a new girlfriend every month and swears marriage is an archaic institution built on misogyny and omegaphobia, she sure does love weddings.

“You ready, kid?”

Dustin has taken the brief interlude as an opportunity to splash his face with water from the sink in the corner, so he doesn’t look like he’s been crying to into Steve’s shoulder, but Steve makes sure to straighten his tie and finger comb his curls back into place.

“Yeah, I think I’m ready.” He looks at Steve for a long moment, then throws his arms around him one last time. “I’m really glad you’re my brother, Steve.”

Steve squeezes him tighter for a moment, breathing in the familiar scent of lemon and cut grass and honey. Of family. Of love.

“Yeah, kid. Me too.”

[astrobei]

@ my mutuals who are currently stonathan posting all over my dash: do u Want me to clear my google drive of all my wips just to write an unnecessarily long fic abt them. bc i’ll do it. the google docs trash can is looking so good rn.

[cecenyss]

I can’t believe they ended the umbrella academy season 4 with I think we’re alone now. They do not deserve I think we’re alone now.

[siphisket]

Even more Toge screencap studies — except for one(1) of the Toges 👀 which one could it be?

Bonus: Shoutout to whoever animated Toge popping his hip out in this shot. I know what you are.

[withthewindinherfootsteps]

pov you’ve just reread the yi city arc… except that clearly wasn’t ENOUGH because of course your analysis brain had to take over and search for parallels, so you have to go and reread and save the most depressing WWX scenes right after…

i’m fine :))

[sailforvalinor]

Idk if this is controversial, but studying for a English/writing degree at university shouldn’t make you NOT want to engage with writing or literature. Just a thought.

[anothercrisis]

Ghost had seen it coming. Back when he’d been more Ghost than he was Simon, he knew something like this was going to happen. It was the nature of things, to deny yourself something for the sake of protection and for that very thing to break you once you finally let it in.

It didn't hurt for a while there, after the initial pain of opening up after so many years of keeping his armor on. It didn't hurt to love, not when it was Johnny; because with him, it was as easy as breathing. The ease was something that scared Simon at first, upset him, because this thing that he had denied himself and locked out for so long should have hurt. It should have hurt like hell to let the feelings back in and Simon wanted it to hurt, wanted there to be a valid reason why he kept himself closed off for so long.

But it didn't hurt. It was a little uncomfortable at first, letting Johnny in. There was a stiffness to it, like a dormant muscle Simon had to remember how to move. It was the plating of his armor moving aside so that Johnny could come in. It was a little awkward maybe, but it didn't hurt. And then once the uncertainty cleared away, loving him was easy. It was the easiest thing Simon had ever had the privilege to do.

With Johnny at his side, it was easy to lose his grip on Ghost and all the pain he chose to carry. It was easy to drop the weight off his shoulders, to let Johnny help soothe it. Easy to remember how to be Simon, because Johnny made him feel human again and he gave Simon the attention and care and help he needed to remember how to be human again.

And maybe that's where Simon went wrong. Maybe it was somewhere between the welcome mat he laid out at Johnny's feet and the way he was allowed to lean on Johnny where he misstepped. Where he missed the signs, where he didn't calculate the outcome like he should have.

Simon wasn't sure where the miscalculation was made, but he knew that it had happened without him noticing.

How did he forget to wonder what would happen if there was no more Johnny?

How did he fail to consider how hard it would be for him to remain upright if he no longer had Johnny to lean on?

But maybe he'd started thinking about it once and disregarded the thought before it could fully form. Flashed by in a glimpse because the thought of a world without Johnny in it was unfathomable and didn't need to be considered.

John "Soap" MacTavish might have been a little reckless, but that didn't matter when he was always okay. It didn't matter how much rubble he found a way to bury himself under because he always got back up, covered in dust and grinning widely. How was Simon supposed to know that there would come a time when Johnny wouldn't get back up? Every time before, Johnny had gotten up. There had never been a single time in which he hadn't. There was something to be said in the probability rates about the likelihood of Johnny's survival; it should have been a one hundred percent chance, as never before had he failed to do so.

But that was just Simon trying to comfort himself, and he would one day realize that nothing in life is a guarantee, there was never a one hundred percent chance of anything, other than that fact being true.

Today wasn't that day however. Today was the day of Soap's funeral.

Simon didn't want to go. He didn't want to drag his ass off base, away from his bed and the gym, but he had done it. Despite how he felt about how it was only right for him to attend his own partner's funeral, he had almost turned around at the last second. He would have marched right back to his room if not for Gaz.

Kyle had been crying, and it wasn't just the fact that his eyes were an exhausted red that gave him away; it was the fact he was crying just about every time he encountered Simon. Simon wasn't sure why that was, if it was the empty space beside him that set Kyle off or if Kyle was crying simply because Simon wasn't.

As far as he knew, everyone thought that Simon wasn't crying over their loss. That with Johnny gone he had fallen back into the masked version of himself, emoting nothing and resembling a cold stone.

It wasn't true. Some days he wished it was like that. Wished that he could go back to feeling nothing; it wasn't easier, not then and certainly not now, but it would be quieter, calmer. Simon would do just about anything to not be able to feel like his chest was splitting open down the middle. He would do just about anything to be unaware of the tangible emptiness at his side, to be unable to feel the absence like a lost limb.

But after all those months with Johnny, being Simon, he no longer knew how to be Ghost.

[corpsentry]

there’s something so epic about hetero chinese period dramas and i think one part of it is that there is absolutely nowhere in the narrative i could exist.

lately i’ve been on a western media detox— i’ve cleaned english language music out of my playlists and have never been able to stomach western dramas anyway, so that part is easy— which might seem funny, because if i’m in singapore and i hate it and i won’t touch american music then what’s left? the answer is the false binarism of chinese period dramas, at least for me. the badly written ones are misogynistic and stupid and the better ones are less of those things, but regardless the world that emerges is clean-cut and easy to parse. there’s someone to root for and someone to hate. there’s a girl and a boy. there’s the comedy and the drama, the sheer thick drama, the music that signals to you precisely how to feel before the scene even starts going

try to jam a fifth culture transnational transgender they/them with 2 mental illness and 1 autoimmune disease into this world and it simply doesn’t work. and that’s kinda epic lolzers! it’s like watching high fantasy, or super hardcore sci-if. it both represents a simulacrum of the real world and is so far from the reality you know that you understand it as a hypothetical universe, one that disincludes you on principle. i exclude myself from the story and in doing so fangfei from moyuyunjian’s steely gaze becomes all the more important. i give so many shits and laugh and yell and spectate. but i am safe from the eyes of its inhabitants. if i entered the story it would break. so i sit outside of it, clapping by myself

in other news, we gave up on mysterious lotus casebook 16 episodes in. there are many character archetypes in these shows that i can no longer stand; the salacious sexy seductive supervillain lady is not necessarily one of them but the way they did miss ‘this man didn’t even Look at me when all men fall at my knees so i hated him’ ‘no one is allowed to steal buttchin from me’ jiao was way up there. surely a woman can have multiple personality traits and yet you would think from this drama that that is not at all true. and the strange harem that grew around li lianhua despite his absolute loser attitude— like i get it, he’s the gintoki of this show, that’s hot, but the way the women who were into him were written made me want to Eat Horse. it bothered me that di feisheng and lianhua’s homo as fuck dynamic was so intriguing and them + fang duobing was a winning trio but all the women in the show were written like complete fucking ass, and one of the big antagonists being a woman, the stakes throughout were not only lost to me but also Pissed Me Off. also, that case about the corpse flowers dragged on forever and all my pocky wilted

I Just Think, women deserve better in these damn stories. make them slutty as hell, sure, but make them other things too and i mean this in the most generous sense. slutty and proud. slutty and weird. slutty and oblivious. literally anything at all so they don’t come out cardboard flat from all angles. this is why i have a personal vendetta against the ditzy clueless female protagonist as well because if everything stems from the fact that she doesn’t know shit it’s like please someone Please tell her shit i’m on my hands and knees begging. give her more to chew on she’s dying of boredom over there

this is why i liked the so called antagonist of blossoms in adversity best (spoilers ahead). he was cruel as hell to huazhi and gu yanxi’s only parental figure. he was paranoid and selfish and lonely and craved a son’s love from the one person he couldn’t hold onto. in the end he is pushed further and further by huazhi, who won’t give in, to isolate yanxi from the people he loves and to lash out at those people as a way of punishing yanxi. and when he dies it’s because of his own distrust, his own negligent parenting, his absent cruelty from decades of insomnia and lack of faith in his people. but he cries for yanxi, and there’s something so human about that. to think of evil not as a first principle but rather an adjective for a verb that is set in motion by other events. to be honest, i haven’t seen such thoughtful writing in any chinese period drama before or after that and i strongly suspect i will never see such writing again in this genre but man, it was so fucking good (spoilers end).

in the meantime, i’ve dragged my mother to moyuyunjian/the double for the return casting of liu xiening and wang xingyue who are Eating so hard. they’ve got wang xingyue done up with the sluttiest makeup and liu xiening is breaking my heart with her pout and her Sassy Mean constitution and this is a revenge story, yes, but it’s a double revenge story. it’s a grief story. and fangfei is carrying more on her shoulders than lingbuyi imo, and doing so with much more grace too. her step mom’s a dick but she’s a smart, 5d chess playing dick who wears hot shades of green so i’m personally interested enough to keep watching (something lotus casebook DID NOT accomplish with their epic female antagonist…. mein gotte). and the princess too. unhinged as hell but god, so charismatic. and beautiful, with scary big eyes and the sweetest head tilt. fun fun fun! that’s fun character writing right there. the comedy might be too straightforward for my tastes but everything else is kind of hot and sexy And after the coming of age ceremony when jiangli appeared amidst the flowers i felt my throat close up even though we saw her for all of one (1) episode). i was like yes. they got me alright. i Care now

really that’s all that matters isn’t it. we want stories about people we care for. we want to give a shit. why else would we listen to the stories of other people. we are looking for us and the people we love in them

oh also moyuyunjian soundtrack goes hard as hell i love a little three step waltz. here’s a pic from the ‘gym’ for ur time. guten night

[greylight32]

GODDAMNIT WILLY! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WRITE FIX-IT AUS WITH YOU WHEN YOURE NOT BEING COOPERATIVE!!!!

[petrovna-zamo]

So jealous you love in la i bet the show was so good😭 also love that orville wears his mask everywhere lmao

It definitely has its pros and cons but living in a city where pretty much every artist performs is definitely at the top of the pro list! And it’s kinda funny when T&K reference local things like this that I just so happened to be at too lol

Honestly it was such a good show 😭 I love Tina& Amy so much and have been fans of them for forever so it was everything I expected and more. I know they’re touring through next year and hopefully they keep adding more cities so you can see them too!

Also, seeing Orville irl was so funny because the hat and mask are his disguises but it actually just makes him stand out more so the whole YouTube theater saw him come in. He also sat down like right before the show started and everyone else was already seated so there was a hush over the crowd as everyone watched him. Idk I laughed. Also also my friend was seated a few rows behind him and he blocked the view with his giant cowboy hat so she took a picture and since I was seated a few rows in front you can see the back of my head… and that’s how I technically have a picture with Orville Peck lmao

[clarablightt]

sometimes i feel like giving up on writing heh

[avirael]

I tried

The rain loudly pounded against the windows in the almost dark and silent room. It was nearly midnight and all A’viloh could think in this moment was that Rael had been right. He couldn’t sleep, or didn’t dare to, so he had started to wander around and found himself staring at the frosted glass which rattled shaken by the storm outside. The rhythm of the raindrops against the glass surface suddenly had seemed almost hypnotic to him. The rain distracted him from his thoughts with it’s almost soothing pattern. In a way it was beautiful. As if it tried to weep the tears A’viloh had been surprised to find himself unable to cry.

Then thunder rumbled outside and the glow of lightning flooded into the room for a short moment, illuminating the empty tables around him. Bright. Blinding. It reminded him of the flash of light when their aether blade finally had shattered the barriers that had protected Nabriales and made the Ascian burn away to nothingness. It reminded him of the reason he wasn’t asleep. Of Moenbryda.

He hadn’t known her very well, but he had somehow instantly liked her. There had been a cheerful honesty in her. And also unwavering determination. Both were things he had admired her for. He still couldn’t understand that she was gone. Someone so strong and lively as her simply vanished. Dissolved to nothing but aether.

He hadn’t realised her intention. Only when it had been to late. Him and Rael had needed all their concentration to keep the raging Ascian from breaking his prison. Hand in hand like back in the Praetorium, their powers combined, they had tried so hard to get it right this time. There was no telling what this enraged Ascian in front of them would do if he was given a second chance to strike at them.

Suddenly he had noticed Moenbryda, trudging towards the beam of light. As he realised what she was doing he considered to stop it. He considered the consequences. Rael held his hand so tightly, unwavering just like Moenbryda. Then it had been too late to make a choice. She had already made hers. Moenbryda was gone.

It was strangely unreal. They had sacrificed her life to take another one. It sounded wrong, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself that it had been necessary. And he had allowed it. Rael argued that it had been her decision. She wanted it that way. A’viloh doubted that someone as alive as her had truly wanted to die. She had been fatally wounded, Rael noted. But the Viera refused to say if they would have been able to heal her. A’vi was convinced they could have saved her. But she had chosen her master’s path instead and they had just watched.

After everything that had happened these last few months, A’viloh had been disillusioned about the nature of the Scion’s work. It was a dangerous path and it was paved with the lifes of their lost comrades. He hadn’t expected this to change but he had hoped that everything would be a little more quiet, a little more easy now. At least for a while.

I’m so sorry, he had simply said without looking up to the Elezen in front of him. I wish we could have saved her. A’viloh wasn’t sure if he had read all the signs and quips correctly but he was at least sure that Urianger had meant a lot to Moenbryda. He had been one of her last thoughts after all. And while the Elezen seemed as calm as ever, there was also a sadness in his voice that felt too familiar.

Another thunder rolled through the air, another burst of light. He trembled. What a day it had been. Exhausted he sank down onto one of the cushioned benches and stretched himself out, once again concentrating on the sound of rain to ease his mind. He was so tired.

He still lay there on his back staring up at the windows when the patter of raindrops was joined by the noise of footsteps on stone tiles echoing through the room. Lazily the Miqo’te let his head tilt sideways and found Thancred walking down the corridor. His wobbly gait betrayed where he had been.

He slightly winced as he noticed A’viloh there. In the almost-darkness of the room the Miqo’te with his glowing green eyes was quite a startling view for anyone who wasn’t used to it.

“A’viloh…? Is that you…? By the Twelve… you scared me! What are you doing here at this hour?”, Thancred’s voice was slower than usual, less clear and slightly slurred.

“Don’t know. Listening to the rain I guess…”, A’viloh sat up and shrugged. “What are YOU doing here at this hour?”

It was a question he didn’t need to ask but he felt like asking it anyway just to see what he would answer. But Thancred just laughed loudly. Then silence.

For a moment A’viloh thought about it before deciding to speak again.

“Do you know what day is today?”

Thancred looked at him in confusion.

“What day?… A fucking horrible one? Apart from that?…. Sorry, to be honest I’d have to look up what date it is, yet alone what you mean…”

“One years ago today I first arrived in Ul’dah.”, A’viloh explained and his lips twitched to a painful smile for a second. “To learn how to become stronger, to be able to protect the people I care about.”

“Oh! I didn’t know that.”, he replied as if it surprised him that he didn’t. “I think you did get quite good at that, huh?”

Given the current situation it sounded like mockery, although he probably didn’t mean it that way.

“Did I though?”, A’vi asked bitterly. “Have I not failed to do so just today?”

“Don’t blame yourself for this.”, the hyur protested. “Think instead about all the lives you saved since you started your journey!”

A’viloh scoffed. “You might as well say, think about all the lives that were lost since then…”

“No! You’re not looking at it the right way!”, Thancred shook his head vehemently and his whole body slightly swayed with the movement. Then he stumbled over to the bench and sat down next to A’vi. “The lives that you saved, they would have been lost too, if you hadn’t given your best.”

It wasn’t as easy as he made it sound. The deaths he hadn’t been able to prevent weighed so much heavier than everything else. A’viloh sighed. “But maybe my best was not good enough…”

Thancred once again shook his head. He turned to A’viloh and looked him directly in the eyes, leaning closer than he probably would have if he wasn’t drunk.

“Your best was enough for me.”

A’viloh recoiled, smelling the alcohol on the other’s breath. It made him feel nauseous, although he knew that Thancred wouldn’t harm him. Or at least he thought so. He hoped. But how could he really know? Some days A’viloh thought there were two Thancreds. The kind man, who had blamed himself for things beyond his control, the one A’viloh had felt strangely connected to and then this one here in front of him, which hurt to look at. Out of control and somehow uncaring. Some days A’viloh felt like there were hundreds of versions of him, each with a different mask to hide behind. But in the end they were all the same person. A person A’viloh wasn’t sure how to feel about.

Rael was right. The second time today, he noted. He began to think that they were right about most things. Maybe he should start to listen to them a little more often when they told him something he didn’t want to believe. He could vividly hear the viera’s voice in his head.

Why him of all people, A’vi? He’s really not a good person!

Probably not…

THIS is what you want?

Absolutely not.

“You’re drunk.” A’viloh deflected.

Thancred chuckled and sat back.

“Guilty as charged! But you know what they say: Drunk people and children always tell the truth.”

A’viloh laughed but it wasn’t the kind of laugh one laughed when something was funny. “If you say so…”

“You don’t believe me?”, he asked with a chuckle.

A’viloh didn’t answer.

For a few seconds Thancred stared at him, then he sighed. “At least believe me with one thing: You did more than enough. You and Rael, you two achieved so much in so little time. The same cannot be said for us? What have we achieved? Me specifically? Where were we when you needed us? Would we only have arrived a few moments sooner. Just a few moments…”

But it was too late for that now.

“You know, I tell myself that it was necessary. That killing the Ascian was worth it. But I don’t know if I can really believe this…”

Thancred slowly nodded and stretched uncomfortably, putting one arm on the back rest. “I’m not going to say that there wasn’t another way, maybe there was... But… the result, that’s what’s important. One less of them is a good thing…”, he mused and then grimaced. “I just wish you would have gotten him too… Some days I’m scared that he will return… That he isn’t done with me yet…”

In a way this surprised A’viloh. He hadn’t ever wondered how Thancred felt about this. How he had experienced the time he had been under Lahabrea’s control. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be…“

A moment they just sat there in silence, each of them lost in their own thoughts, fighting their own demons.

Then suddenly Thancred spoke. “You are right…”

“Hm?”

He smiled, calmly looking up to the tall windows. “The rain. You said you were listening to it… it’s weirdly soothing.”

A’viloh smiled too. “It is.”

For a while they listened to the patter of the raindrops, the howling of the wind and the occasional roll of thunder.

Finally A’viloh took a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?”

Silence.

“Thancred?”, he asked and turned to look at him. His head slightly tilted sideways, he had fallen asleep right where he sat. It was funny how harmless he looked. Not particularly peaceful. Still troubled and tired. But more honest somehow. More real.

Silently A’viloh stood up, tiptoed through the room and took a big white tablecloth out of one of F’lhaminn’s cupboards. It’s better than nothing, he thought as he gently covered the hyur with his impromptu-blanket.

“Sleep well.”, he whispered and then returned to his room.

[aclowntiny]

Question for all who see this: how petty would it be to update my rules to exclude AUs I hate

[treecakes]

passes out. ugh.