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babyboy-cody · 3 years

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HI ALYSSA!!! 😃 What you wrote for grayson was beyond BEAUTIFUL. can you write something where they’re in a new relationship and she gets introduced on the podcast??? 🥰

i’m gonna try really hard to not go overboard this time 😭

The atmosphere was lighthearted and playful. Since 7am to the early afternoon, you’ve been extremely nervous and fidgety. Grayson recognized the early signs of an anxiety attack and made to bring out one of your sensory toys, the ones that make the popping and clicking sound. He brought you to a secluded corner of the house, away from everyone and all the noise, and blocked them with his body until you calmed down. The scent of him, the overall height of him, the gruffness of his voice, and the soft teddy bear vibes Grayson was giving off had you feeling more at ease.

“What if… What if they don’t like me, Gray? I mean, I’m not like the other girls you’ve hooked up with before. I’m not some insta baddie or a bad bitch. I’m me and they’re gonna hate it,” you quietly rambled to him while frantically popping and clicking your sensory toy, all the while keeping your eyes on your hand movements. Grayson allowed you to rant, not stepping in until you were fully finished. “I mean, Kris is different because she’s perfect for Ethan and she never really got any hate - not that I know of. She’s like a soft baddie, I’m not even 6% of a baddie.” This made Grayson smile as he crossed his arms and stared down at you. “Like, I’m not Tyson and it just… sucks feeling like this.”

“Look at me,” he told you, his voice low enough for only you both to hear. When you nervously peer up at him, no longer using your sensory toy, he places his large hands on your warm cheeks, thumbs gently stroking back and forth. “You’re not Tyson and that’s why I’m in love with you. You think I care about insta baddies? You’re the fucking queen, you hear me?” When you start looking down again, he quickly lifts your head. “Aye, I’m not done talking to you. You’re nothing like those girls and that’s what made me fall for you. Your kind soul, pretty eyes, and good vibes made me feel so comfortable that I always wanted to be around you 24/7. Ask Kris.” He smiles at the sound of your soft giggle and the way your eyes crinkled at the corners. “If I love with all my heart, the people who support us and want us to be happy will love you too.”

“Yo,” Ethan called out from across the room. “You ready?” He was looking at you, more so worried about your reputation than Grayson’s. “There’s no going back.” His tone was teasing and his eyes held no malice. You looked up at Grayson and he gave you a small nod and grin, as if telling you, ‘You got this.’ When you gave Ethan an enthusiastic nod, he excitedly claps his hands. “Lets do this shit!”

When you followed them to the room where they do their podcasts, you felt that anxious wave crash over you again. Grayson, being the extremely observant man he is, made sure you had your sensory toy in your hands as he rubbed your arms gently. He pressed soft kisses to your cheeks that felt like butterfly wings fluttering against your skin because of his growing beard. Kristina shot you a thumbs up from her spot in the kitchen as she ate some avocado toast. You felt more at ease as Grayson and Ethan shot playful jokes at each other back and forth. You took your spot beside Grayson on the swivel chair and took the headphones he hands to you. After setting up the mics and cameras, you got yours comfortable and sat a foot or two away from Grayson so that they’re able to do their intro without you in the frame.

“It’s now or never,” you quietly mumbled to yourself.

“Good evening, everybody!” Grayson enthusiastically speaks into the mic. “Welcome back to Deeper with the Dolan Twins. I’m one of your hosts, Grayson.”

“And I’m your other host, Ethan. If it’s a little harder to tell who is who, I wore white today and Grayson wore black,” Ethan states confidently. “Grayson is always wearing his greasy ass trucker hat.”

“It’s not greasy, shut up.” Grayson sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes, sending a look to the side as you covered your mouth to stifle your laugh. “So, today we are doing things a little bit differently.” You sat up straighter in your seat. “As all of you know, we had Kristina on our podcast to furthermore introduce herself as Ethan’s girlfriend.”

“And today,” Ethan rubbed his hands excitedly. “We have a very, very special guest. We are introducing… drum roll, please…” Grayson quickly tapped his fingers against the table. “Grayson’s very own girlfriend, Y/N!”

Grayson was quick to pull your chair closer to his as you held the mic and laughed quietly as they both cheered loud and clear. “This is my very lovely and very beautiful girlfriend, Y/N. Say hello to the audience.”

“Um… hello,” you awkwardly said, causing Ethan to snort. “Shut up, E! I’m nervous.” You shyly covered your face, groaning when Grayson pulled your hands away and placed his hand between yours. You immediately started playing with his fingers; a sense of calm washing over you. “Well as nervous as I am, I am extremely excited to be a guest on your podcast and I hope it receives good reactions.”

“On a lighter note, lets dive deeper into how the relationship between you and Gray… developed,” Ethan said and got comfortable in his seat.

“You tell the short story and I’ll tell the long story,” you told Grayson and lightly patted his shoulder while looking at him with such love-filled eyes that even Ethan can see from across the large table.

Grayson cleared his throat and never once move his hand from between yours. “Well we met a few years ago and started fully dating, I’d say, almost a year ago. And we met through Kristina because you’ve been really good friends story.”

“Okay, guys, people that are listening and watching,” Ethan interrupted. “Remember to get very comfortable because this story is going to be a fucking rollercoaster of emotions.”

“Oh god,” you facepalmed. “Now, for the long story. I’ve been really close friends with Kris since our childhood. I moved to Australia at a young age with my dad after my mom passed away, and we were just two peas in a pod. The way you and Grayson are with each other is the exact same way Kris and I are with each other.” Grayson leans his chin on his hand and never once looks away from you. His attention was all on you… and your lips. “And then, back in 2017 is when she started telling me about Ethan. And she had mentioned that you had a younger brother-”

“Younger by, like, 20 minutes,” Grayson interrupted with a scoff.

“Younger brother,” you emphasized a little louder, causing both twins to laugh. “And she had asked Ethan stuff about Grayson, to which she transferred back to me. So, she was like a bird messenger.” You giggled as you said that, causing a big grin to form on Grayson’s lips. “And then no sooner after that, we started talking more frequently and getting to know each other. And it just.. grew after that.”

“Didn’t Gray ghost you?” Ethan suddenly asked. Grayson groans loud beside you and covers his face embarrassingly. “I remember you freaking the fuck out because of it.”

“Yes, the motherfucker did ghost me for a few weeks. Wanna explain why, hm?” You teasingly asked him with a raise of your brows. Grayson blushed fiercely.

“So within the first three months of us talking, that was when I fully started developing strong feelings for you. And at the time, I had been fucked over so many times by so many people and was never really able to hold a long relationship. And I partially blamed myself for that because I tend to.. rush things, if that makes sense. I’m a romantic and when I fall for someone, I fall hard.” As Grayson passionately spoke and opened up his feelings, your eyes went from his eyes to his lips to his hands and back and forth. The way he spoke with his hands made you hide a smile by biting your lip. “And I was terrified because I automatically assumed that I was gonna fuck it up one way or another. The only way for me to cope was to push my feelings aside, and it just effected us both so negatively.”

“Yeah, from past experiences, it can be really difficult for someone to come to terms with the true emotions they felt. I was the same way with Kristina, you know. It felt like I had to walk around eggshells out of fear of fucking up the one thing that was good for me.” You and Grayson nodded in agreement. “I remember when we came to Australia after what happened and Gray was running back and forth, just writing what he wanted to say to you and he almost cried because his pencil broke.”

You quickly looked at Grayson. “Really?” You weren’t teasing him, you were shocked. Your voice was soft and you had a pout on your lips that he kissed away. “Stop, you’re gonna make me cry.”

“Nooooo!” Grayson yelled out and threw an arm around your shoulder to pull you into his side.

“That’s so sweet!” You whined and pouted some more. “I never knew that, Gray. I know that in the past, there were some hardships that we were able to overcome and the way we communicated with each other, it just made our relationship stronger.”

The conversation ranged from topic to topic. Your life growing up, the death of your mother, your dad’s rescue farm in Australia, your college degree, and some moments between you and Grayson. You felt so comfortable and carefree that Grayson noticed a changed. You laughed more and spoke louder. You playfully bantered with Ethan and provided your own insight on serious topics regarding the negative effects of social media and about mental health. He’s so sure in his heart that people who love and support him and Ethan are gonna love you the same.

#this was really cute 🥺#i kinda lost my flow halfway #idk if you can tell #grayson dolan x reader #grayson dolan #grayson dolan fluff

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elucere · 3 years

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Sad Late August Quarantine Thoughts 2.0

Last year, I wrote this. Basically my thoughts on how I felt in my life up to that point and what quarantine had illuminated. It felt cathartic then, so hopefully it’ll feel cathartic now. A part of that probably had to do with the fact that the last part was complete bullshit, but we’ll get into that later.

At nearly the slightest inconvenience now, I’ll say “I’m at my limit”. Technically, that isn’t really true because if I was really at my limit, at the next inconvenience I would completely lose it. But no, I’m just simply reminding myself that while I’m constantly met with a series of unfortunate events, I haven’t broken down yet. I might feel like I’m there, but I’m not. I’m just at my limit. Things are bad, but they aren’t the worst they could be yet. So keep in mind, I am very much at my limit as I’m writing this.

Last year I talked about my struggles with my job. Yeah, I got fired in February. It was not pretty either. I knew I wasn’t doing well performance wise, and they invited me into a zoom call that they said was a project meeting a week before my year anniversary and fired me. My supervisor (or I guess, ex-supervisor) cried on call. I didn’t cry until afterwards. It was an entire year of me trying to get better, him promising that it’ll come with time, and then getting sacked because “we didn’t see improvements”. Really, really fucking sucked. And it messed with me for a long time because I kept replaying those last few weeks, trying to decipher what I could’ve done differently to prove my worth and keep my position. There was a lot. I felt really guilty.

I think the worst part is that I got a performance warning in December and realized at that point I’d become so apathetic about my job that I needed professional help. I’d been trying to go to therapy for a long time, but it never panned out. My mom forbade it when I was in high school, it was practically impossible to get an appointment at my college’s mental health facility unless you were considered a threat to yourself and others (which I most certainly did not want on my record), and after school life happened so fast with the pandemic and the fact that I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my mom and my brother with very little privacy. Even now that I’ve convinced my mom that therapy is okay, actually, she still highly disproves and sees it as some sort of psychological failing on my part. Which is. Sure. Whatever. Why not.The reason I did not enroll in therapy that December is actually because my dad lost his job and with it, his health insurance, and with that, my health insurance. That means I had to enroll in a health plan through my employment, which became an unanticipatedly long process. I actually got my new-but-useless health insurance card in the mail a few days after I got fired. They actually fired me on the last day of the month, so my benefits wouldn’t extend beyond that month. That’s a bit of fun irony.

To quite a few of my friends, this story solidified the idea that insurance=therapy. As soon as I got insurance again, I’d be able to finally get some help. This was a couple of people’s first response to me when I got hired again (yay, I know I don’t have to worry about that anymore but I’m also afraid that I’ll just inevitably be fired again so I don’t let myself have the victory). I know my friends only want the best for me, and I can’t expect them be able to emotionally support me like a professional, but I’m afraid that they think that therapy will be some sort of magical fix of sorts. I don’t mean in the sense of just getting better mentally, but I think being a tolerable person. I know that sounds like I’m just being self-depreciating, but let me explain.

A few years ago I was at dinner with one of my friends. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but she goes “name three things you actually like” because I was probably being negative or something. I said a few things and whatever, but that comment stuck with me for a long time. I thought it was especially poignant or something. Am I so unhappy all the time because I fixate on things I don’t like? It could be connected to the attitude of social media to be outwardly negative. Casual wisdom, you know.

Well, that was the fact until I was out with that same friend and we visited Barnes and Noble. I’ve been doing quite a bit of reading this year and got more involved in the book community, so I have many Opinions. Some are good, some are bad, some are just me being annoying. After an hour of browsing the shelves, we drive home. I start talking about a series I really like in the car and she goes “It’s nice to hear you talk about a book you actually like.” Which kind of stunned me because I had just did a lot of talking about books I liked. How happy I was that kids were still reading Rangers Apprentice, going out of my way to see how many Brandon Sanderson books I could find in the Adult Fantasy section, and more reminiscing in the Young Adult section about books I liked recently or as a teen. The truth is, I talk about stuff I like all the time to people who will listen. Ask me about my favorite books! My favorite movies! My favorite musicals! I promise I will not shut up. It’s one of the few things I have that lift my spirits when I talk about it, I just don’t get the opportunity to much because it’s hard to find people who want to listen.

The thing is, I’m naturally a critical person, I think. I love tearing things apart, in good and bad ways. I also love gossip. I’m an okay gossip, but I know at this point that I’m a good critic. I’m really good at identifying faults and commenting them on an insightful or constructive way. I edit a lot of my friends’ writings for this reason. I don’t find that to be anything negative, it’s just something that’s interesting to me. Basically what I’m saying is, what if it’s not mental illness and I’m just annoying and I’ll not be able to meet the expectations of other people’s idea of progress for me and I’ll be a disappointment. I’m kind of tearing up while typing that out while listening bopping to Disturbia by Rihanna but this is the third time I’ve been on the verge of crying today so yaknow maybe it is just mental illness.At this point, I can either talk about criticism in relation to the particular way I dish it, or I could talk about how I want to receive it. I think the former will take less time to elaborate, so I’ll start with that.

I mention last year how I got an unpaid gig as a critic for DiscussingFilm. Embarrassing at times, I joke with my friends that “DiscussingFilm Writer” is a slur, but it’s cool at times as well. I got a press pass to go to Sundance and gorged on an entire family sized bag of peanut M&Ms while I watched like 14 movies in one weekend. I’m trying to say positive things about this until I start ragging to prove that I’m not an overwhelmingly negative person, but I don’t think that’s working well. Whatever. The point is, if I didn’t like it I would quit, but if I did quit it wouldn’t be because I didn’t like it. It would because there was an…event. I had quite a falling out with one of the higher-ups that run the site and in response my work has taken a hit. I won’t go into too much detail, but I don’t get assigned anticipated releases anymore. My work is often delayed going out and, in turn, I feel less motivated to turn in my work on time. And then on top of that, it’s rarely promoted. I have examples on top of examples, but this stupid thing is getting long enough. To summarize the DiscussingFilm situation, I feel like shit. I have one of the lowest view counts on the site. I’m told that my work is good and it’s valued, but not enough to get reposted, I guess! Why bother. And also because the person I do not work well with is quite up in the food chain, I’ll never see a promotion. I wanted to become an editor so bad (I do editing on the side for my friends and enjoy it), but now it will never ever happen. I don’t have the opportunity to prove myself, it’s just completely off the table by nature of leadership. Ass. Complete ass. I’m doing quite a bit of work for DiscussingFilm including creating the standard for the Instagram, making graphics for the Instagram, performing interviews and writing reviews for the site, and co-hosting a DiscussingFilm branded podcast, and I will never see neither a dime for my work or recognition in any meaningful or significant way. I don’t have a say in anything, and I feel like an insignificant cog whose opinion does not mean much.

I still get insecure with my reviews, but not as much anyways. Sure, I can’t compare to the great writers at trades who do this for a living and have been doing so for years. But, I am better than a lot of writers at my level. Sometimes I try pitching to other publications, but so far I’ve only been met with rejection. It kinda stings to know that my work is not worth enough to be paid for, but I’m kinda over it. I still pitch. I try my best. That’s the thing about me, I just keep going. Rejection hurts like a bitch, but whatever. I don’t want to quit just yet, so I guess I won’t. There isn’t anyone in my corner who’s actively spurring me to keep going, I’ve just decided that I’ll get paid for my work one day and so now I will.This connects with the criticism I want to receive which unfortunately very much is not of the nonfiction variety. Ew I fucking hate talking about this but I need to get it off my chest.

After I got fired, I was slipping into quite a bit of a depression. I started a podcast at this time with my friend to try and prevent that, but I knew that I probably needed another project. I wasn’t watching movies anymore, DiscussingFilm was not publishing my shit, and all I was doing all day was reading (which I don’t anymore, I’m in a slump and it’s definitely connected to the idea I have in the next sentence). So I had the brilliant idea of “hey, I could do that. I could write a book. I should do it to do it.”You see, this has not been my only attempt at writing a proper book. I tried when I was 13, I tried when I was 15 and into online literate roleplay, I tried when I was 18 by doing NaNoWriMo in college (also, I was actually more depressed then). I also tried to get into a short story class in college that you had to submit a story to get into and didn’t even make it on the waitlist. Nothing stuck. But hey, I was unemployed and I came up with a funny premise that I wasn’t too attached to, so why not?

The book is not funny. It was supposed to, but it’s changed a lot. I’m very comfortable writing in camp. It’s difficult because I know sometimes I have my moments, but often I don’t. I also chose to write it in a genre I’m not super familiar with (Young Adult contemporary, I read Young Adult and Adult fiction primarily). I didn’t expect it to be easy, but the things I thought would come easily did not come easily. I have a lot of male friends, so I could certainly write the male characters as real people, right? Right? I’m funny, so the humor would come across well, right? Did I anticipate that after years of pretty much only analyzing films critically I’d subconsciously structure my story using dialogue-driven storytelling similar to a screenplay? No! Not at all, actually! This journey of self-discovery has been ass at every corner!

I recognize that first drafts are shit and authors hate their writing, but also I’m built different, your honor. By 15k words in, I realized I needed an outside perspective. I hated my own writing and I was afraid none of the characters were coming off right. I needed feedback, and I still do. But I hate being perceived. As long as no one reads my writing, they think that I know what I’m talking about and value my opinion on their writing, but once they figure out I’m just an Imposter then it’s game over. They’ll lose respect for me. Logically, I know this isn’t how this works, but I feel physically nauseous whenever someone reads my writing.

Anyways, back to my much-needed criticism. To make a long story short involving several English teacher that caused me to quit pursuing writing altogether in my formative years and decide to switch to a STEM track, I have very little tangible self-awareness of my own writing and how to improve it. I need the outside feedback, or at least I did. I’m 60k words into my first draft now and I’m cripplingly self aware of all my errors, but it feels too little too late. 60k words are a lot of words, and it feels not great knowing that most of them are trash. I really needed this kind of feedback earlier in the process so I could make tweaks early on. I know that writing is like a muscle and you need to work it out and practice to get stronger, but fuck man, FUCK. 60k words is a LOT of words. And I still need people to read it and give me feedback and I’m literally willingly asking people to read shit. It’s so humiliating. I guess I’m just at a point where I wish I could look at it and find something of value in what I’ve written.

I see other authors and I get so jealous. At their confidence, at their lyricism, their mastery of the art, their enthusiasm for their story, their love of their characters. I don’t have that. I’m not even talking about imposter’s syndrome. I know what that feels like. This is something else. I just wish I was the kind of person who could openly be creative without wanting to die. I’m 100% sure if I could be enthusiastic about the story I want to tell, the entire thing would be better. It’s crazy how I noticed that I’m not writing any metaphors into realizing that’s directly connected with my inability to be vulnerable and that I’m detaching myself from my work. That, and the fact that I’m fucking shite at writing metaphors apparently.

It also doesn’t help that I don’t have a writer group of friends and very little people to talk about this with, none of which are like… enthusiastic. It’s not their fault. I attract people into my life who are very much like me. They’re supportive and wonderful but I need someone who’d be excited to talk to me about it. I just feel like such a huge burden all the time. Everytime I bring it up I feel terrible, but it’s occupying so much of my brain space and I have no outlet. But also, getting that group of friends would require me to be vulnerable online and be willing to share what I have so far which I might actually throw up.I think it’s very fun that “crying and throwing up” has become a saying on Twitter considering that I’ve counted a countless amount of times this year and thrown up from stress four times since last November. It might also be connected to coffee consumption, but if that’s true I’m ready to off myself because coffee is one of my few joys. Honestly, it’s probably a mix of both. I’m very healthy, very much okay.

I don’t know. Last year, I ended my little essay on a hopeful note. Here’s the thing, this may seem like very much just stream of consciousness bullshit but there is quite a bit of structuring I do and omissions I make. I didn’t talk about my struggles reconnecting with people and subsequently taking their irregular replies, because there’s a lot to get into there. There’s a lot I could’ve talked about, but no room. There’s a very specific flow, and I feel like any story, it needs a conclusion. So last year, through tears, I wrote a hopeful ending. It was as much for me as it was to the people reading it. Unfortunately, I don’t have it in it for me to conclude in the same fashion this time around.

The truth is, I need to feel okay. I need to feel like I’m good at something, anything, and be recognized for it.

Life is suffering and I’m just constantly going through the motions. I promise you, this stupid thing is 3k words and the second I’m done I’ll go back to working on my b**k even though today I literally started crying thinking about how shit it is. I’m just a tenacious individual. I persist. I don’t feel good about it, and I’m done with being genuinely hopeful, but there’s nothing to do but keep moving. I don’t know if my writing will get better or if I’ll ever get published or if this story is worth it. I don’t fucking know anything and I feel like shit. But what else am I going to do? I’ve been holding onto this hope that I’ll feel better about things for just so long and it hasn’t happened. But I’m not giving up lmao I’m just working with what I have. I am at my limit.

#mine #bean spews

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manicdepressivemom · 4 years

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My biggest fear

Hold on because there is some hefty (potentially triggering) backstory here.

When I was 7 years old, my mom had her first manic episode with psychosis (bipolar disorder). To everyone around her, she was fine one day and very much not fine the next. I was a shy and reserved child, but my early years had been relatively unremarkable.

But one day she picked me up from a friends and we drove for two days before she pulled into a house in a state we’d never been too. She began carving something into a truck parked at this house before she and I were placed in the back of a police car and taken to the station.

After that she was forcibly taken to a psychiatric hospital. I don’t recall how long she was there but she came back in a depressive haze and barely left bed. By third grade, I was quite self sufficient out of necessity.

For years she would cycle and drink. She was verbally and physically abusive. She began counting me as an inconvenient causality in a war against my dad. Once he was gone, I was the new enemy.

Once I graduated high school, my own teenage angst gave way to hypomania. I felt electricity in my veins. I was an ethereal being and made a point of getting blackout drunk whenever possible. As I began college, this euphoria left me and I crashed into my deepest depression.

I had my own stay at a psychiatric hospital. I was diagnosed bipolar 2 and given a wide variety of drugs. Those drugs brought with them side effects like hallucinations, delusions, excessive drooling, and shaking hands. Eventually I gave up on the drugs and strived for stability through life style change. I’ve managed to be relatively stable for many years. Stable enough that I haven’t destroyed my marriage, at least.

I asked family years ago what happened to my mom, and someone said she’d gotten into a bad batch of drugs. I held onto this rumor for dear life.

Until my first son was born. He was angelic. Soft, black hair, round cheeks, and plump lips. And I was suddenly certain that I was unsafe.

I spent the first few days in the hospital certain that someone would notice I wasn’t fit for motherhood. I kept my lips tight during discussions about PPD. I accidentally set off a door alarm during a walk around the ward and felt sure they’d come take him away from me.

Once we got home, the fear took hold. I washed my hands until they bled. If someone found out I wasn’t washing my hands many times while making his formula, someone would take him away.

I had images pop into my head of him hurt. I won’t go into this here because it triggers me; and I’d hate to trigger anyone who made it this far. The images scared me. I dared to google them a time or two but worried that researching too much would let someone know how unsafe I was.

I walked through doorways with painstaking care. I refused to carry him down the stairs and I absolutely couldn’t hold him over the concrete driveway. He cried. I cried. I knew I was a monster, and he probably did too.

We survived and our second came along. The images that had never gone away intensified. All knives must be kept put away. Don’t look at the power tools. And definitely don’t let a single soul know.

Recently I overreacted. I asked my husband if he liked a 99¢ goodwill painting for the kitchen accent wall. He said no. I opened the back door, flung the picture outside, and yelled for awhile.

After several hours of not talking, I had a breakdown and we decided my reaction was probably a trauma response to a recurrent issue in my childhood.

My obsession with thrifting crashed, and was replaced by an all consuming fire to learn about ptsd. I read books and blogs. I listened to podcasts and journal. Every minute of my existence was obsession.

So I called a therapist. And we spoke a few times before they decided Cyclothymia and ptsd. Somewhere on the bipolar disorder spectrum.

And all my fear that I might one day snap like my mom felt more confirmed than every before. I’m a good enough mom. But so was she. And then she was abusive. Then she hated me. And here I am at 29 untangling all of this.

I asked my dad, my dearest alley, had mom done drugs? Please tell me drugs triggered it. I can avoid drugs. But now, that wasn’t it. He thinks she was stressed. He traveled a lot and she had an affair. I can avoid an affair, but I can’t avoid stress.

There is no amount of practical thought that can relieve me of this fear. For all I know, my mom saw the same things. Me, hurt, by her own hands. And then she couldn’t control those thoughts anymore.

Or maybe she never had any sign. She just woke up one day in a different reality. A world in which my dad was the devil, and I had the devils eyes.

I can’t think my way out of this one.

My greatest hope is just that my husband won’t pity me at all. I hope that, if I begin to unravel, he takes the kids and he runs. Don’t ever give me another chance to hurt them the way she hurt me. God they deserve so much better.

Even then, he might not know before it’s too late.

I can’t trust my brain or my body. It doesn’t matter that the correlation between my moms mania and my hypomania is weak. It doesn’t matter that I love my kids. Because she loved me too. I believe she still loves me dearly today.

But I’ll never be certain that I won’t become her one day. And as long as I’m here, I can’t know that I’m safe.

#cptsd #ptsd #childhood ptsd #complex ptsd #bipolar disorder #cyclothymia #cyclothymic disorder #anxiety #harm ocd

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missnxthingg · 4 years

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𝕗𝕝𝕒𝕨𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤 • 𝕥𝕖𝕟

SUMMARY: Tom’s still debating rather he tells (Y/N) that night they got drunk at the club, and she has a very successful dinner with Harvard’s important people.

Based on my one-shot, Flawless.

PAIRING: Rich!Tom Holland x Rich!Reader (Best Friends to Lovers AU)

WORDS: 8.6K

WARNINGS: TW ABUSE AND USE OF SUBSTANCES. Swearing, alcohol, mentions of sex.

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𝕥𝕖𝕟 • 𝕒𝕤 𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝕒𝕤 𝕚'𝕞 𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖

"Thank you for the dinner, Josephine and Vincent.” One of Harvard’s directors said. He was friends with (Y/N)’s dad and was very close to him. “I’ll love to see you at our University next semester, (Y/N).”

“Thank you so much, sir.” (Y/N) shook his hand with a big smile on her face. “I will love to be there.”

Everyone said their goodbyes, and when the elevator finally closed and went down with their guests, (Y/N) started to jump excitedly to celebrate the huge success that dinner was. Everyone was polite - including Josephine and Vincent who didn’t have a single fight all night - and had a good time together over nice food. (Y/N) caused a good impression and they sure loved her, so everything was fantastic.

“Congratulations, sweetie.” Vincent hugged her daughter and kissed her forehead. “Harvard can’t wait for you. I’m so proud!”

“I’m proud too!” Josephine said with a big smile on her face as she lit up her first cigarette of the night. She didn’t want to cause a bad impression with their guests. “But there’s still time to go to Paris and major in fashion…”

“No, she’s gonna be an awesome lawyer.” Vincent nudged her, who giggled.

“Oh my God, stop fighting over my life.” She said mid-laugh. “I’ll become a lawyer for the fashion world.”

“My girl.” Josie winked as she kissed her cheek. “I think it’s time to go to bed, right?”

“Right. Thank you for hosting everything in here.” Vincent thanked his ex-wife with a small smile.

Even after all this time, all the fights and after both being in stable relationships, Josephine and Vincent still liked each other very much. Both cared a lot about what they had and what they constructed together, but it didn’t work out in the end. After a while, they found someone they loved, but that doesn’t mean they still don’t love each other.

“Good night to you both.” (Y/N) gave them a tight hug before running to her bedroom.

She removed everything, from clothes to makeup, before lying back in bed, listening to the soft sound coming from the TV while she texted Tom. He was probably still out partying with Harrison, so calling him was not an option; even though she was dying to do so.

“Brunch tomorrow? Same place, same hour. I have some good news! XO” She typed on her phone, and it was read immediately. Soon he was replying.

Tom: “Of course. You better tell me everything tomorrow. Have a good night, I love you.”

“I love you too. See ya’ tomorrow, good night lovey.”

(Y/N) went to sleep with a big smile on her face and woke up renewed, a little earlier than usual. The sun was shining a little brighter outside, making the usual grey New York sky look a little prettier and cheerful. Her good mood made her jump out of bed and rush to start her day.

Her life was a bit dreamy at the moment. She had a good relationship with her mother, she made up with her long-term best friend, and her dream college wanted her. It was everything she wanted for her whole life, and she wanted that to last for a very long time. It was good not to cry for bad things, and now she could finally breathe.

Taking care of yourself is good, and (Y/N) loved when she woke up in a good mood and started her beauty routine carefully. Taking a good hot bubble bath with a cup of coffee, watching the New York City skyline as the sun rose, and listening to some of her favourite fashion podcasts were some of the highest points of her day. Her skin looked flawless after her morning skincare routine, and she looked alright after not having plenty of nights of sleep.

But when she was done with everything, it was still early. Even if she wanted to meet with Tom and ramble on about everything that happened last night, he would kill her if she woke him up this early. But little did she know that while she had her best night of sleep, Tom spent the whole time awake, talking to Harry and Sam about his feelings.

He rarely talked about it, especially with his brothers. Normally, he would talk to Harrison about it. But right now, his best friend is unavailable and he needed to vent. The moment he entered the apartment in tears again, Harry - who had just gotten home from a date - knew his brother wasn’t alright. Two nights in a row coming home crying wasn’t a good sign. Sam did not know why his big brother was crying, but Tom rarely cried. He only cries for one reason, and she wore Prada shoes as if they were flip floss.

“What happened?” Harry asked and Tom shrugged.

“I just realized I can’t keep on with the meaningless hookups when I know the perfect girl is right next to me.” Tom wiped some tears before sitting down. “Fuck, I love her.”

“Yeah, you do mate.” Sam tapped his brother's knees with a chuckle.

“How do you cope with being in love?” Tom asked his brother and he shrugged.

“I guess when you meet the right girl, everything is just easy.” Sam shrugged.

“So I haven’t met the right girl yet.”

“No, there’s only one thing missing.” Tom frowned at Sam’s words. “Right timing.”

“And you should stop messing around with Harrison.” Harry commented. “There’s no way she’ll want you if you keep hooking up with everything that moves.”

“I guess you’re both right. I’m gonna become the person she’ll want in her life.” Tom nodded with a smile.

And he spent the whole night awake thinking about her. How he was supposed to make her fall in love with him? Should he tell her about the kiss and the confession? Maybe she knows it already. Every single thing running through his mind kept him awake all night, and he only got a little sleep when he saw the sun rising in the horizon. Still, it wasn’t enough for him to rest and he knew it the moment he opened his eyes with the sound of a text coming into his phone.

(Y/N): “Already out, and doing some shopping. Text me when you leave home.”

Yeah, maybe seeing her today would make him feel a bit better. Even though she was the reason he was awake the whole night, she knew how to make him be okay just by being there and she didn’t even have to try it. But getting out of bed was hard. Taking a shower and getting dressed was even harder, but Tom still managed to do it. Soon he was walking out of his car to find (Y/N) waiting for him on the sidewalk full of shopping bags.

“Wow, you bought the whole story.”

“It’s just a couple of things I thought were pretty. And look, I got you something!” She searched for a bag between many of them. Tom opened it to find the prettiest leather jacket, one that would fit him perfectly.

“It’s perfect! Thank you so much.” He pulled her into a hug, which made her smile a little.

“Put it on so we can match.” She showed her own leather jacket and made him chuckle before putting it on.

“This is ridiculous.” He laughed harder and she tagged along.

“Come on, we look cute. Let’s take a picture of our matching outfits!”

After many pictures on the sidewalk, with lots of kisses in the face and smiles, they decided they were very hungry and food couldn’t wait for their photoshoot to be over. (Y/N) talked about her dinner night as she shared some food with Tom, not excluding any tiny detail from her words. She was so excited about it that brought the purest joy to Tom’s heart. His girl was happy and that’s all that matters. While she talked, he held her hand over the table and rubbed circles on the back. And as he paid attention to every single word she was saying, he couldn’t contain his big smile when he saw how big hers was.

“And one of the deans said he would be happy to have me there next semester.” She finished with the biggest smile on her face. “I’m just… over the moon right now.”

“I’m happy for you. I truly am.” He smiled wider and she switched sides of the table to sit next to him and hug her best friend. His arms were always the best place to be. “You’re gonna be amazing!”

“You too.” She nudged his nose. “Thank you for supporting me.”

“I’ll always support you.” He entwined their fingers and kissed the back of her hand.

“Now, tell me about your night. How was the party?”

“I got very drunk and it was fun at first, but I left early.”

“Why? Did you have some girl with you?” She teased him, making him chuckle a little.

“I did, but I wasn’t in the mood.” He shrugged. “Actually, I’ve been thinking a lot about those meaningless hookups. I don’t want them anymore, I wanna settle down.”

“You? Settle down?” She laughed hard and her belly almost hurt.

“Why are you laughing?” Tom asked, a little offended.

“Because you said so yourself that you’ve never liked a girl before. And now you’re talking about settling down? Did someone change your mind?”

“Maybe.” He fought the urge to smile again. “I feel like I’m getting old and even though I’m having fun, I’m wasting my time here. So I want to find someone to share my life with.”

(Y/N) wanted more than anything to ask if she could be that person. She loved him with all of her heart and the thought of him being with someone else might kill her. She wanted to be the one he always goes to; the one who’s there for him, through thick and thin; the one he loves. But isn’t she already?

She wanted all of those things, but she couldn’t get herself to say it. Instead the words that came out of her mouth were:

“If that’s what you want, I’ll always support you too. That’s what best friends are for.”

Best friends. Tom was sick of calling them best friends. After the kiss they had on Christmas, and then the other one they shared that week, he just couldn’t stand that title anymore. Of course, being her best friend wasn’t a problem, but he wanted to be more than that. Tom wanted to be her best friend and the love of her life, just like she is to him.

She was tired too. Tired of feeling like she was wasting her time here, loving someone who doesn’t love her the same way; one that she’s leaving soon to pursue her lifelong dream of being a lawyer graduated by Harvard. But neither of them did anything to change that at all. It was best to have each other as best friends rather than not having each other at all.

The week that followed that afternoon was weird. Tom and (Y/N) were avoiding each other because of what he said that morning. It wasn’t like they weren’t talking, but they were avoiding spending all of their time talking because they just couldn’t take not being together anymore. Until they met on Friday after school since he was taking her home.

“I’m so sorry, I forgot about our sleepover.”

Liar. They’ve been talking about that sleepover since the last one a month ago. Until a week before that, they were very excited about that sleepover and were already planning on what to do that time. They wanted to have fun with all of the Hollands, and some fun alone too. So it was very weird when (Y/N) forgot it.

“What? Come on, (Y/N)!” Tom whined. “We’ve been talking about this for weeks now. I thought you were looking forward to it.”

“I was, I really was. But Courtney suggested going clubbing to celebrate my successful dinner.”

That wasn’t a lie at all. Ever since (Y/N) started being friends with Courtney again, they’ve been talking about hanging out a lot more. When Court heard the good news, she just planned the whole thing herself. On Friday, they would go out clubbing and have a good time. (Y/N) thought she actually needed some distraction. If Tom could go out and hook up with many girls, so could she, even if she was in love. She used to not care about hooking up with a lot of guys, but ever since she realised her feelings for Tom were stronger than she thought, she stopped. Maybe now it was time to go back to being herself.

“I thought you wanted to hang out with me.”

“I do, Tommy. I really do! But I haven’t hung out with her since forever and I miss her.” She whined. “Can’t we have our sleepover tomorrow?”

“Yeah, whatever.” Tom shrugged, a little pissed. It wasn’t a bad thing that she was hanging with Courtney, he was just upset she forgot about their plans. But she made everything better with the comfiest hug of all time.

“Don’t be mad, please.” She pouted.

“I could never be mad at you, sunny.” He wrapped his arms around her and relaxed.

“Thank you.” She sprinkled kisses all over his face and made him smile. It’s been a week since they started avoiding each other, and they missed all that intimate contact. It was crazy how much they missed the other, and it was stupid to avoid their feelings. Eventually, they are going to pop up.

But not tonight. (Y/N) looked stunning in the mini dress she chose for the night. She wanted to impress and she wanted to feel gorgeous. No one’s opinion would matter if she was happy and she was ready to have fun with the girls, being young and stupid. That’s why when the time to meet the girls at the club went, she was very excited.

“Mom, I’m going out.” (Y/N) finished some touches on the living room mirror.

“Going out with that idiot again?” Josie rolled her eyes and (Y/N) took a deep breath to not snap at her and ruin her night.

“No, I’m going out with Courtney and the girls. We’re going to a club and I’ll probably sleep at Court’s.”

“Oh, thank God you’re talking to Courtney again. She’s much better than Tom.”

“Mom, stop it! Let’s not make it about Tom, please.”

“Alright. I’m going out with Gary, so I’ll not be back until tomorrow. But call me when you get to Courtney’s.”

“Will do. Bye, mom!”

The club was full that night. Courtney gathered some of her cheerleader girl friends, even if they were always kissing (Y/N)’s ass. At least they tried to be nice to her, and after a couple of drinks, they will all start to look decent. And (Y/N) took her old self out of the closet to party that night.

She kissed many guys - and two girls at some point -, danced to every song that night and got drunk by drinking everything she could that night. Courtney suggested doing some shots to start the party, and that was the first of many. (Y/N) didn’t think about Tom for a second while she was in the club.

“Oh my God, thank you so much for bringing me out tonight.” (Y/N) shouted through the loud song so Courtney could hear it.

“It’s nothing, babes. Are you having a good time?” Court asked as she danced to the pop music playing in the background.

“The best!” (Y/N)’s smile was big and she was loose because of the many drinks she had that night.

“Cheers for Harvard’s new lawyer!” Courtney shouted a little louder and they celebrated it with a tequila shot.

(Y/N) danced some more and had a good time with the girls, until her eyes lied on a beautiful boy by the bar. He was very tall with long ginger hair and had a playful smile on his face. He was alone sipping on a drink, and making eye contact with (Y/N). If she was looking for someone to go home with, that was him, she just knew that.

He called her with a sign in his hand and she pointed to her own chest, giving into his play. He nodded with a small smirk and she approached him quickly, already playing with her flirting cards as she walked swaying her hips side to side, a move she knew anyone would go insane.

“Hello, gorgeous.” The guy said as he stood a hand in the air. “I’m Cameron.”

“I’m (Y/N).”

“Oh, I know.” He chuckled. “I worked with your mother a long time ago. You were just a little kid, I was a bit older though.”

“So you were a model?” He nodded and she nodded back. “Cool. Sorry to not recognize you.”

“It’s okay. It’s not like I’m famous or something.” He shrugged. “I’ve always thought you were beautiful, but I only knew you from afar and from your pictures. But now that I’m seeing you with my own eyes, I just… fuck.”

“Thank you so much. You’re pretty too.” She winked and quickly, he rested a hand on her hips, rubbing circles with his thumb right there.

“Can I get you anything to drink?”

“A gin tonic please.” He nodded and turned to the bartender, who went to get the drinks with a wink.

Cameron seemed nice and he was very handsome. He started the conversation easily and they downed a few drinks as they talked. The party was still going on in the background, and they didn’t care about it. (Y/N) was tired of dancing and Cameron seemed like a good distraction; maybe he was everything she needed tonight. Soon Courtney approached saying she was too tired to stay any longer.

“You can go home, babes. I have somewhere to stay tonight.” (Y/N) winked and Courtney frowned, pulling her to the side.

“What about Tom?”

“What about him?” (Y/N) sipped her drink and Court frowned even more.

“I thought you were a thing.”

“You thought wrong. And don’t worry, Cameron is a good guy.” (Y/N) glanced back to him, who was too distracted by ordering them new drinks.

“Are you sure about going home with him?”

“I am. He’s cute and he’s very polite. I think that’s exactly what I need tonight. Plus, I think we’re gonna get one more drink and bail.”

“Okay. Call me if you change your mind.”

“Thank you, Court. I loved hanging out with you tonight.” (Y/N) wrapped her arms around her friend and they shared a long hug.

“Me too.” Courtney finished the hug with a playful smack on her friend's ass and a wink. “Go get ‘em, tiger!”

When (Y/N) went back to Cameron, he already had two cups waiting over the counter, but she was too drunk to even think twice before taking her last drink. He was now strangely quiet, and to be honest, she was having a hard time to listen to what anyone was saying. She was completely fine two minutes ago, but now she feels like she lost control of her own body.

“Do you wanna go back to mine, babe?” Cameron asked in her ear and she had almost no control over her actions anymore. But Cameron took the slow blink as a yes, and helped her get on her feet.

“I-I… I just have to use the restroom, real quick.”

She stood one finger in the air and tried to steady her feet on the floor to start walking. Her vision was starting to get blurry and the world around her seemed to be going in slow motion. She knew something was off, and thank God she got to arrive in the restroom. Even though it was all a mess, she managed to get into a cabin and find her phone inside her purse. She just knew who she needed to call.

(...)

Meanwhile, Tom was having an awful night with Harrison and the twins. They were home, playing board games and talking about random stuff all night. He wanted to go out with Haz and get wasted again, because he knew that was what (Y/N) was doing. But he promised himself that he wouldn’t do that anymore, so he prefered to stay home.

But the thought that she was out there with someone else was killing him. He wasn’t the jealous type at all, and he hoped she wasn’t either, because both of them were players and could make the other jealous easily. But tonight, he felt something was off. He wouldn’t ease for even a second, even declined a beer Harrison offered on buying.

“You’re acting weird tonight.” Harrison said when the twins left to get their pizza downstairs. “Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know. I feel like something is wrong with (Y/N) and I’m not feeling okay.”

“Don’t worry, mate. She’s completely fine. You’re just feeling like this because she’s out there with other guys.”

“Wow, you helped me a lot.” Harrison laughed and shook his head.

“You should tell her about the kiss.” He suggested, taking another gulp of his soda. Tom chuckled and shook his head.

“She’s going to murder me if she finds out I’ve kept it from her.”

“But this might actually be the way you get together.” Harrison said. Tom shrugged and went to find his phone, which was now ringing somewhere. He frowned when he saw the name on the screen.

“(Y/N), is everything okay?” He asked when he picked up the phone.

“Tom, something’s wrong with me. I’m in the club close to your apartment, you know which one. I think someone drugged me.” Her voice was weak and slow, almost like she was thinking too hard to put those words out. “In the girls’ restroom. P-please…” Her voice faded and Tom’s eyes went wide.

“(Y/N)? Please sunny, say something.” Tom pleaded, already getting his jacket and his car keys. “(Y/N), please!”

“What’s wrong, Tom?” Harrison asked, now aware that something was very wrong.

“Someone drugged her. She needs my help.”

“Come on, I’ll drive.”

Harrison never drove so fast in his life, which was a very difficult task to do in New York City with all of those cars. Tom instructed where to take them, while still in line with her, who was not responding to anything. Only the noises of a full girl’s restroom could be heard. At least no one found her yet, no one evil.

He was wearing sweatpants and an old denim jacket, but he got inside quickly and rushed to the said restroom. He heard some complaints from girls, but it was actually easy to find where (Y/N) was hidden. She wasn’t replying to him anymore, but she still had some flashes of sanity, although she had no control of her body anymore. Tom didn’t know how he managed to get inside that cabin, but he soon wrapped his arms around (Y/N). She only had the strength to use her fingers to press his body under her touch. She moaned in pain and groaned in annoyance.

“It’s okay. I’m here and I’m going to take care of you.” Tom kissed the top of her head and pulled her closer. “I’m gonna get you out of here, okay?”

She only nodded and felt her best friend picking her up to carry her through the club. Tom didn’t care if he was not dressed properly or if everyone’s eyes were on him carrying the girl, he only cared about (Y/N). She had a few flashes of sobriety and at some point, she pointed to a ginger guy by the bar, texting on his phone.

“He did this to me.” She whispered in Tom’s ear, and he just knew what to do. Harrison was confused and looking for any sight of his best friends, but he relaxed a little when he saw Tom carrying (Y/N) in his arms. She was half passed out when Tom carefully placed her in Harrison’s arms.

“Take her to the car, I have to take care of some things.” Tom said, his jaw clenched in anger. Harrison only nodded and did as his friend told so.

Tom was pissed and angry. He probably could kill this guy in a second for what he did to her girl. That’s why he didn’t think twice before hitting several punches in his face. If Cameron was a model, he wouldn’t be anymore after all of this. Tom only stopped when security separated them once the guy was on the ground, blood spilling from his nose.

“You don’t need to drag me. I’m not staying here any longer. But he drugged my friend! And he probably already has drugged other girls.” Tom said to the security, who nodded and signed someone else to carry the other guy out.

Tom found Harrison with (Y/N) in the car, close to a pool of vomit on the sidewalk. She looked better, but now she was crying while holding onto Harrison with all of her strength. Tom’s heart crushed when he saw her like that, so he quickly rushed to her, who let go of Harrison and wrapped her arms around Tom.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered in his ears. He shook his head and held her tighter.

“It’s not your fault.” Tom looked at Harrison to ask how she got better by using only his eyes.

“I helped her throw up.” Tom nodded and fully focused on the girl now.

“I’m scared, Tommy.”

“As long as I’m here, no one can hurt you.” He whispered in her ear. “I’m gonna take you back to my place.”

Tom sat in the backseat and placed her over his lap. He held onto her as if when he did let her go, she would disappear. He couldn’t help but let some tears fall on their way home when Harrison was driving to get there as fast as he could, but slow enough to not make her sick. It all came down to him and crushed his heart into smithereens. The avoiding, the unspoken truth… Tom couldn’t help but think this was all his fault. Nothing would've happened if he just went with her to that club and took care of her all night.

When he arrived, the twins were confused but understood when they saw (Y/N) in Tom’s arms. The older brother didn’t even talk to anyone else, going straight up to his bedroom with her place on his arms to take care of her. Harrison stood behind to fill the twins with everything that happened. Tom decided that she needed a shower and she needed to sober up.

“Love, can I give you a shower? I promise I won’t be too invasive.” He asked and she groaned.

“I think I can take a shower alone.” She said. “But stay close so I can call you if I don’t feel so good.”

“Okay.” He helped her get everything to shower, such as towels, her so loved products and anything else she asked, like a toothbrush.

He closed the door but still left it a little opened, in case she called him. Meanwhile he made his bed so they could lie down and sleep after such a stressful night. Tom was now feeling everything ten times worse at the silence of his bedroom and couldn’t help but let the tears fall from his eyes. It was all too much for him. Just the thought of having something happening to the girl he loves makes him feel weak and small.

He got one of his sweatpants, a t-shirt, clean boxers and socks, thinking that she would be comfortable in those. (Y/N) would hate him forever to make her wear those, but he didn’t have anything else to offer her. She didn’t take long in there, coming out wrapped around a towel and her eyes red from crying. Tom looked the same, but he tried to hide it, not successfully.

“I got you some clothes so you can sleep in.”

“Tommy, you know I don’t wear sweats.” She whined and he chuckled low.

“Come on, sunny. Just today.”

“Okay.” She was almost sleepwalking, but she noticed the drying tears falling from his face. “Why were you crying?”

“It’s just too much for me, baby. I think I need some sleep.” She nodded and gathered the clothes to put it on.

Tom turned around to give her some privacy while changing, but she soon was fully dressed and lying on his bed. His heart was completely broken to see her so weak and vulnerable. Usually (Y/N) was so full of life and always taking control of her decisions. But right now, she wasn’t herself and he felt lost whenever she was too. All he could do is hold her and pray that everything would be alright.

And Tom prayed. He stood awake all night holding her tightly and praying to anyone who could help him that she would be alright, and trying to give his heart some comfort. (Y/N) didn’t even say good night, or said anything at all. She just fell asleep holding onto the fabric of his pajama and soon was snoring on his chest. Praying was helping, but knowing she was safe and the soft sound of her snoring lulled him to sleep.

(Y/N) woke up the next morning with the worst headache in her life. At first, she was a little confused and it took a while to recognize where she was. But she relaxed when she turned around and found Tom deep in his sleep, with his arm thrown over her body and keeping her close. She couldn’t help but think that was the prettiest she’d ever seen him and it made her smile. His curls messily fell on the pillow and his expression was so serene. She would love to wake up to that everyday. But as much as she was enjoying the view, she really needed to use the bathroom.

She easily got out of his grip and ran to the bathroom to do her necessities. After she was done, she took the time to wash her teeth, clean her face and take a good look in the mirror. Her face was horrible, like she hadn’t slept in years. And she groaned a little when she saw what she was wearing, but it kind of smelled like Tom and she felt really comfortable in those. Maybe wearing sweats wasn’t so bad.

But what she needed the most was something to eat and painkillers to relieve the pain from her head. So she slowly and quietly made her way to the kitchen, thinking that everyone was still asleep, but she was terribly mistaken. Harrison was stirring a cup of tea when she arrived rubbing her eyes.

“Morning, Haz.”

“Morning, (Y/N). You feeling better?” He frowned and she shrugged.

“I don’t even know how to answer this question.” She groaned. “I want to pretend last night never happened because my head’s spinning and aching.”

“Here, take this.” He passed her the cup of tea, which she gladly accepted.

“Thank you.” She took a great gulp of the tea and it helped almost instantly.

“You know… If you wanna talk about what’s on your mind, I’m here to listen.”

“It’s just… last week I avoided Tom because I realised that I liked him a little more than I thought I did and I’m scared of how much I might love him.”

“Wow.” Harrison was speechless. She literally just confessed her feelings towards his best friend.

“But you know, it was killing me. And last night I was so stupid because I just wanted to forget everything that actually led me to the worst situation possible just because I’m scared of a feeling.” She tried to keep the tears from falling and it worked.

“(Y/N), I’m gonna tell you something that Tom will kill me for doing that.” They both chuckled, but (Y/N) nodded for him to continue. “I don’t know why you are afraid of your own feelings, but I think you shouldn’t be. People might think you’re just a spoiled rich girl, that has life figured out and everyone on their feet. But you’re so much more than that; you’re kind and such a good person. Tom saw that on you and he fell for it. He’s so in love with you it’s pitiful.”

“He really is?” Her eyes were shining, wishing every single word he was saying was true.

“Of course he is. You seriously never noticed that? Tom’s been in love with you since the first time he laid his eyes on you in the middle of the street.” He chuckled. “But he never will admit this to anyone, not even to me, or to himself. So I guess that’s the reason he never told you. He’s also afraid of his feelings.” He sat next to her before continuing. “And I know for a fact that you’re in love with him too, even though you’re confused. So please just talk about it and be together! Because I’m tired of seeing you two not together.”

“Yeah, maybe it’s time for us to have a talk.” She nodded. “I don’t know if I’m ready though.”

“You’ll never be ready if you keep postponing it.”

And Harrison left the room with that thought. He was right, at least that was what (Y/N) thought. She’s been postponing these feelings ever since Christmas, and time was passing by and she was wasting time without speaking up about those feelings. Everything was making her head hurt even more and she needed some time to vent and think about what to say.

But Tom was faster. He woke up when he didn’t feel her next to him anymore, but her clothes were still lying over the chair, so she didn’t leave yet. He took his time to do his morning routine and rushed downstairs to find her sitting on the couch all alone with a cup of tea on her hands and some tears streaming down her face. He silently sat next to her and almost instantly, she rested her head over his shoulder.

“What’s wrong, sunny?” Tom asked as he started to caress her hair and she sobbed on his shoulder.

“I can’t believe what happened last night.” She admitted. “If it weren’t for you, I might’ve been killed.”

“Shhh, it’s okay. You’re okay now.” He pulled her into a bone crushing hug that immediately made her feel better.

“I feel stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, (Y/N). That guy was horrible and he was going to hurt you. But you have nothing to do with that, it’s not your fault.” He kissed the top of her head. “You’re here now. You’re safe and I’ll keep it that way until my last breath.”

(Y/N) looked up and noticed some tears pooling in his eyes, which made her crumble completely. He was just as messed up as she was. So she wiped them away and rubbed his cheek in order to give him and herself some comfort. She might be feeling horrible, but she was the reason he was crying.

“Don’t cry because of me.”

“I can’t help but think this is my fault too.” Tom said, keeping his voice low. “I should’ve been there to take care

of you. No one should’ve touched a finger on you.”

“Tom, it’s okay. It’s not your fault too. Please, don’t cry.” She cried harder as she glued their foreheads.

“(Y/N), I love you. If anything serious happens to you, I will never forgive myself.”

And that was everything she needed to hear to make Harrison’s words come back to her. If what he said was true, Tom is in love with her. And so, she got the smallest courage to speak up about her feelings. It was small, but it was enough to make her confess.

“Tom, do you know why I don’t mind wearing these sweats?” He shook his head no and didn’t break eye contact with her. “Because it makes me feel like home.”

“You know you can be yourself right here and no one will ever judge you. This is your home too.”

“No, Tom. It feels like home because it smells like you, and you are my home.”

“You’re mine too.” He kissed the tip of her nose and made her smile. “I can do anything to protect you. And I wish I broke more of his face last night.”

She glanced down to his hands and noticed the bruises on his knuckles. She traced her fingers along with the bruises and brought his hand up to kiss it better. Both of their hearts were racing at that moment. That was probably their most intimate moment and it was the very first time they weren’t confused about their feelings. For the first time, it felt real and reciprocated.

“Tommy, I love you.”

“I love you too, sunny.”

And with that, she glued their lips and made Tom surprised. She wasn’t under any influence at all; not underneath a mistletoe; not with three gin-tonics up her head. She was doing that because she wanted to. Tom took a couple of seconds to realise what was happening, but soon melted into the kiss and moved his lips so gently against hers. It wasn’t simple like the one they shared on Christmas and it wasn’t as hot as the one they shared on that drunk night. No, this one was like a confession to each other.

They confessed every single one of their feelings in the slowest kiss in the world. Every movement, every touch, it meant so much more. And they were actually enjoying it, more than any other moment together. But it didn’t last much longer, because they were dying to blurt out what they were feeling.

“I have something to confess to you.” Tom said against her lips, and she nodded. “That night you threw up and I got you home, we kissed and I confessed my feelings to you, but you didn’t remember. I thought that was the universe giving me a second chance to not screw things up and didn’t tell you.”

“You should have. Because I would’ve confessed my feelings for you too.”

“I was scared of losing you.” He admitted.

“Tom, you would never lose me. I’m forever, bitch. You’re stuck with me.” They laughed together.

“Thank God.” Tom pulled her for another quick kiss. “I love you so much, you have no idea.”

“Oh, I have. Because I love you so so so so much.” She pecked his lips again and pulled him to lie down. Both had the biggest smiles on their faces and were beyond happy for what was happening. “I can’t imagine my life without you Tom.”

“I can’t imagine mine without you, either.”

“But soon we might have to.” She instantly felt down, but Tom made everything better by pressing soft kisses all over her face. “If we’re doing this, we have to start knowing we’ll have to do long distance in the near future.”

“I would do anything for you, even wait if you want to.” He assured. “(Y/N), you know I’ve never fallen in love with a girl and that’s why these feelings are strange to me. But when I met you, everything felt so right that I couldn’t help but fall a little deeper for you every second. I love everything about you; your dramas; your family issues; your good sense of humour. Everything that makes you be yourself is the reason why I’m in love with you.”

“Tom, I don’t even have words for what you just said to me.” She was crying again, this time out of pure joy. “You are just… you. That’s the reason why I love you. And I’m so grateful to have you in my life. Someone to make me feel loved and needed, in a moment when I felt like no one cared about me. You changed my life and I’ll owe you forever.”

“I don’t care if we’re gonna part ways when high school is done. I just wanna be with you.”

“Me too.”

She glued their lips together again, but what started as an innocent kiss ended up in a heated makeout on the couch. Tom used his hands to keep himself steady over her, while she used her to pull him down and deepen the kiss. They didn’t hold anything back and explored each other’s bodies until they were sure they knew every single curve. They could stay like that forever, but Nikki woke up and when she went down to prepare her breakfast, she met the most awkward scene in the world.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She blurted out and rushed to the kitchen. Tom jumped out of (Y/N) and his eyes widened.

“Mom, I’m so sorry.” He started in the living room. (Y/N) followed him with the heaviest blush on her face.

“It’s okay. I’m just glad you finally kissed.” Nikki smirked and it made the blush even more. Tom searched for (Y/N)’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “So, this means you’re finally together?”

“I think so.” Tom looked at her for reassurance and she nodded with a smile.

“I want to if you want to.”

“That’s how you’re gonna ask me to be your boyfriend? How romantic!” Tom rolled his eyes and (Y/N) nudged him before pulling him back for a hug.

“You love me.” She whispered in his ear.

“I really do.” He kissed her neck and composed himself back to finish his conversation with his mother.

“I’m just glad you finally sorted everything out. I was getting tired of seeing you two being just best friends. But please, don’t make out on our couch at eight in the morning. By the way, why are you here at eight, (Y/N)?”

“Well, Nikki. Something happened last night…”

They told her the whole story because Tom never kept anything from her. But even though it was a bad night, it turned out to be just fine. Tom and (Y/N) were over the moon and it couldn’t get any better than this. They loved each other, just like that, and nothing would change it. Nikki was horrified with the story and asked (Y/N) to take more care of herself.

“I will, and now I have extra help.” (Y/N) looked at Tom with the biggest smile on her face and smiled back.

“I’m gonna take care of her, mom.”

She nodded and started to make them all some breakfast. They never would’ve thought that after such a disturbed night, it would all end up just fine in the morning. Soon the whole family started to come down for breakfast, but they didn’t know anything about it. Harrison was the only one who got the clue when he saw Tom and (Y/N)’s wide smiles.

“You two are together, right?” Harrison smirked and (Y/N) nodded.

“We are.” She nodded and the twins’ mouth dropped.

“You are?” They said in unison.

“Thank God. I was getting tired of you two not being together.” Dom teased.

“Yeah, we talked it through this morning and it just happened.” Tom continued. “Took too long, uhm?”

“Way too long.” She pecked his lips so gently and quickly, but they already heard sick noises.

“You are gross.” Paddy groaned and the whole family laughed. “But I’m happy that (Y/N) is part of the family now.”

“Aren’t you jealous, Paddy?” Sam asked and his little brother shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess there’s no reason to be. She likes Tom anyway.” They all laughed again, but this time (Y/N) pressed a kiss on Paddy’s cheek, making him blush.

“Now you’re my brother too. Isn’t that cool?”

“Yeah, it is.” He smiled. “Welcome to the Hollands, (Y/N).”

“Thank you, Padster.”

Being part of the Hollands was special. They were the kind of family that cared about each other and that was exactly what (Y/N) needed in her life, a family that cared. Nikki was worried about her when she told what happened the previous night; Dom was glad she was okay; the twins took care of her just like she was their own sister, and Paddy just wanted to see her happy. That was the concept of a family she always wanted for herself, and even that Tom gave to her.

After the longest day with her new family and cuddling with her new boyfriend and best friend, (Y/N) decided it was time to go home. As much as she was enjoying being surrounded by comfort and happiness, she knew she had to go back to her mother. So many happened from the previous night to this very moment that (Y/N) didn’t even remember that anything else existed but Tom, and that’s the reason when she got home she was greeted with a furious Josephine.

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N), where were you last night?”

“Fuck, I forgot about texting you.”

“Yeah, you did!” Josephine gritted. “You said you were gonna crash at Courtney’s, but I ran into her mother on breakfast and she said not even Courtney came home last night. You lied to me and you spent the evening with this fucking idiot.” She pointed to Tom and it made (Y/N) angry.

“First of all, leave Tom out of this. He wasn’t even there last night and he’s the reason why I’m safe.” (Y/N) told her mother the full story from the previous night, which Josephine listened to carefully. “And I didn’t answer my phone today because I left it uncharged on my purse since last night.”

“That’s not an excuse.”

“I know, and I’m truly sorry.” (Y/N) said and Josie rolled her eyes.

“That’s the kind of influence that boy gives to you. Out partying, getting drunk, hooking up with random people. Nothing would’ve happened if you hadn't met him in the first place.”

“Mother, Tom has nothing to do with what happened last night. He saved me and you should be thanking him.”

Tom remained silent, not wanting to get into their fight. He didn’t have a place to speak up, even though it involved his now girlfriend. Family issues must be solved between the family, even though he was dying to stand up for his girl.

“I will never thank him. You know I don’t like him.” “So you better start liking him, because he’s my boyfriend now.” A shot on Josie’s stomach would’ve been less harmful than this.

“He’s your what now?”

“My boyfriend.” Josie rolled her eyes and pointed to the door.

“I will never accept this. Get out of my house and I don’t want you to see my daughter ever again.” Tom was being dragged to the door, but (Y/N) got on the way.

“You don’t get to choose this.”

“Well, I don’t approve your relationship with him.”

“I don’t approve yours with that dirty boyfriend either. But you still haven’t expelled him.”

“I don’t care. You’re leaving.” Josephine called the elevator and (Y/N) gathered all of her stuff.

“I’m leaving too. I’m sick of you doing this to me. I’m moving with dad.” Josephine stopped what she was doing and noticed the tears in her daughter's eyes. “I can’t stand to see my mother against my happiness.”

“(Y/N)...” Josie spoke softly.

“No! Shut up!” She pulled Tom into the elevator and didn’t even wave goodbye before leaving.

When the elevator door closed, (Y/N) wrapped her arms around Tom and cried as her whole life depended on it. She was tired of leaving her apartment crying, and she was tired of its reason being her mother getting between her relationship with Tom. But she swore that was the last time she was going to leave like this.

“I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you. I didn’t want to get between you and your mother.”

“Don’t worry about it.” She had her face buried on the crook of his neck so he wouldn’t see her face.

“Are you okay?”

“No, but I’m gonna be. I have you.” She leaned back and he rubbed her cheek with his thumb.

“What do you wanna do now?” He looked right into her eyes, wanting more than anything to know what she was thinking about for real. She knew she couldn’t hide much from Tom and that’s why she shrugged, because she didn’t know what to do.

“Can you take me to my father’s and stay with me there tonight? I wanna be surrounded by people I love.”

“Of course.” He kissed the top of her head and held her tightly. “We’re gonna get through this.”

“I know we will.”

To say the day started perfectly and ended up badly was an understatement. In less than 24 hours they were introduced to what they were gonna have to get through together if they wanted to be together. But as they already knew, their love was stronger than anything.

That’s why Tom took her to her father’s place and helped her tell him everything. They ruined Vincent’s and his girlfriend’s dinner night, but they didn’t seem to mind. Instead, they decided to stay home and take care of (Y/N), who had decided about moving in with her father, who gladly accepted her.

“I’m sorry for being a burden to you, dad.”

“(Y/N), you’re my daughter. You’ll never be a burden. And if you want to live with me until you go to college, or for the rest of your life, the doors will always be opened for you.”

“Thank you so much.” She hugged him very tightly and Vincent watched Tom let out a relief sigh when they did it.

“And just so you two know, I’m glad you finally got together. I really like and trust you, Tom.” Vincent said and Tom nodded.

“Thank you, Mr (Y/L/N). I promise to not let you down and that I’ll take care of her.”

“I know you will, kid.” Vincent nodded. “Why don’t you go take a good shower and we’ll order some food to have dinner together.”

“Okay. I’ll be right back.” She pecked Tom’s lips quickly and left for the bathroom. When she left, her father spoke up.

“I always knew you were perfect for my girl, from the very first moment I met you. And I know she ain’t the easiest person to deal with, but I know that she loves you will all of her heart.”

“I love her too. Like I’ve never loved anybody else.”

“I know.” Vincent smiled. “Don’t let her go so easily, boy. She’s special and you know it.”

“I won’t, I promise.” Tom smiled back.

And with the ultimate blessing for their relationship, Tom knew that even though they might face some problems, they would be alright because that’s how love works. As long as they had each other, no one can hurt them.

❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁ ⋙ADD YOURSELF TO THE TAGLIST!⋘

PERMANENT TAGLIST ➻ @missmulti @gurlwlthluv @cmon-peter-tingle @lifeisabitchandsoareyou @tinyplanet-explorers @spideyyypeter @princezzariel @pastyoverlord265 @dumandbass @lilgaga98 @chatnoirfangirl1624 @heartofholland @big-galaxy-chaos @quaksonhehe @hera-the-writer @u-rrose

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lovethepeacehope4love · 3 years

Text

Unusual Asks

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? neither, iTunes lol but I guess spotify

is your room messy or clean? clean, I’m a Capricorn

what color are your eyes? brown

do you like your name? why? yep, it’s unique

what is your relationship status? newly single...again

describe your personality in 3 words or less determined, curious, sleepy

what color hair do you have? brown

what kind of car do you drive? color? in my dreams its a black mercedes suv lol

where do you shop? Nordstrom, Rails

how would you describe your style? casual but trendy, warm but soft, a sex dream

favorite social media account? the ‘gram

what size bed do you have? queen

any siblings? yep

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? london because it felt more like home than anywhere else i’ve lived

favorite snapchat filter? do people still snap?

favorite makeup brand(s) marc jacobs, hourglass, nars

how many times a week do you shower? 3

favorite tv show? yes

shoe size? 5

how tall are you? 5′1″

sandals or sneakers? sneakers

do you go to the gym? nah but if soul cycle and other gyms weren't so fucking expensive and donated to trump then lets get cut, but I guess planet fitness will do lol or my living room

describe your dream date. walking through the met in the late afternoon to watch them observe art, so they could observe art (me) and then walk through central park to the uws and get dinner somewhere delicious, then go to a fun bar like e’s or jacob’s pickles for drinks, then dessert and then a nice make out session

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? like $2 lol

what color socks are you wearing? white with purple

how many pillows do you sleep with? 2

do you have a job? what do you do? real estate agent, professional over thinker, former stage manager

how many friends do you have? like 5 lol

whats the worst thing you have ever done? I could probably think of something that I did when I was like in high school thats stupid now, but when my sister was pregnant, I thought really upsetting thoughts at my unborn nephew because I was jealous and I could sense she was gonna go away and he ends up having special needs and she did go away and sometimes is still away

whats your favorite candle scent? something with bergamot, cozy af

3 favorite boy names noah, oliver, michael

3 favorite girl names lea, olivia, amelia

favorite actor? evan peters

favorite actress? kerry washington or reese witherspoon

who is your celebrity crush? evan peters

favorite movie? peter pan (2003)

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? yes, but sometimes I forget to. favorite book is probably something by john green lol

money or brains? brains make money

do you have a nickname? what is it? many

how many times have you been to the hospital? once

top 10 favorite songs stupid love by lady gaga, rolling in the deep by adele, fool by fitz, runaway by mat kearney, adventure of a lifetime by coldplay, thunder by imagine dragons, have it all by jason mraz, you and i by jason mraz, sit next to me by foster the people, and drive by by train

do you take any medications daily? yes

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) combo normal-dry

what is your biggest fear? dying alone or falling off a high surface

how many kids do you want? zero

whats your go to hair style? beach waves

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) medium sized 3-bed apt

who is your role model? a few, but the actresses above who do good for womxn, bipoc and marginalized groups in all areas

what was the last compliment you received? that i looked cute today

what was the last text you sent? “perfect”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? I think like 5 or 6 when I noticed Santa had the same handwriting as my Dad

what is your dream car? black suv

opinion on smoking? cigs- nah, weed- ya

do you go to college? sure did

what is your dream job? Broadway / resident PSM at a regional theater

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? the ‘burbs

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? not unless its brand name

do you have freckles? a few

do you smile for pictures? yea

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 871 or somethin

have you ever peed in the woods? yea

do you still watch cartoons? does bob’s burgers count

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? chickie nuggies from wendys

Favorite dipping sauce? ranch

what do you wear to bed? t-shirt/tank with long pj pants but if it’s hot then pj shorts

have you ever won a spelling bee? lol no, never been in one

what are your hobbies? shopping, podcast listening, baby witch things, sleeping, watching tv & movies, youtube makeup videos, makeup

can you draw? lol nope

do you play an instrument? i think I can still play the piano but idk

what was the last concert you saw? lady gaga

tea or coffee? no

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? depends on what im ordering

do you want to get married? yea

what is your crush’s first and last initial? GM

are you going to change your last name when you get married? maybe, if it sounds good

what color looks best on you? bright colors

do you miss anyone right now? yea

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed

do you believe in ghosts? yea

what is your biggest pet peeve? tardiness

last person you called? mom

favorite ice cream flavor? chocolate

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? chocolate

what shirt are you wearing? wearing a dress rn

what is your phone background? colorful dots

are you outgoing or shy? yes

do you like it when people play with your hair? usually

do you like your neighbors? all the old people in this building can be quite rude

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? yes

have you ever been high? yes

have you ever been drunk? yes

last thing you ate? spaghetti with balsamic tomato somethin-something I made from HelloFresh

favorite lyrics right now “fooled me for the last time, feels good to be freed”

summer or winter? summer

day or night? day

dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk

favorite month? june

what is your zodiac sign cap

who was the last person you cried in front of? I think my ex as we broke up again?

#idk bored #itme

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ambitionsource · 3 years

Note

Heyyyy besties! I’m a fairly new reader, not really but we will go with it, and I just want to tell y’all how much I admire your work and creativity and “AHHHHH.” WOW. (clearly I’m excited and nervous) So I discovered ambition through the extremely talented rucasmarkle’s Instagram page (thank you so much Pearl if you see this), and I went through ups and downs with the characters. I even cried multiple times while reading, once in the car while listening to Adele but let’s not get into that. My favorite character had always been Lucas Friar but you extremely talented people added a new depth to him and THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT FOR EVERYONE HAS BEEN ON POINT. Gosh and can I thank you enough for the topics seen through the show? I mean, LGBTQ+ representation? CHECK! Fears people of that community face because of other people or life factors (probs not the best wording?)? Yes, and I’m glad y’all got into that! And in the latest episode, season 3 episode 11 (people who haven’t read it please ignore because SPOILERS): showing sexual harassment can happen towards anyone, even those who are seen as really tough. I think that’s really important because it’s rarely discussed in places where people are supposed to feel safe, like schools, but sadly aren’t taught. Point is that while Ambition can be comical and filled with drama, it also helps teach a younger audience the importance of mental health and daily issues like the one previously discussed. For example, say I’m young and since my favorite character is Lucas James Friar, I now understand I can’t close myself up so much. I need to understand I can’t take out my anger on others, instead I’ll do what I need to do. I’ll talk to someone. Also the weekly podcast is iconic, I really look forward to every Sunday because of how absolutely HILARIOUS it is. Alright that’s all for today because my fingers are tired but I hope everyone has an amazing rest of your day! Love and adore y’all so much! Thank you and see y’all for the next chapter!

*I am sorry for typos and/or incorrect grammar lol*

wow, this is such an incredibly special message!! thank you so much for sharing this with us -- there’s no need to be nervous, i promise we don’t bite! i’m so glad you were able to find ambition thanks to pearl and her awesome edits, i’ve often said that ambition comes to those who are meant to find it and i’m happy you were able to discover it and develop such a deep love for our little story. and your compliments mean a lot, like on every front you said. we do put a lot of effort into the storytelling and writing and character arcs and it’s very meaningful when people tell us how much those things stuck out to them or highlighting things they love like you did here.

i’m also very grateful you highlighted what you did about the topics we include, especially what we just experienced in 310. we try to handle any subject matter with the utmost grace and care, so it’s really cool and special to hear from readers that those things are translating and landing well. and you totally completely got what that whole inclusion was about in 310, that was a major part of our decision-making (the rest of which i’ll share later) in regards to doing the storyline with lucas and missy. so i’m happy to hear that struck a chord in you as a reader, enough to want to tell us about it!!

(also, as someone who was an og lucas stan through and through, you my friend have amazing taste. just impeccable. i’m very happy to hear from one og fan of his to another that you feel he’s getting the justice he deserved as a character, bc even back in the day when i was writing source material of yore fic he was always very much at the heart and soul of the work i did. if you want a rec to some of my other older works pre-ambition that were lucas-centric don’t be afraid to hmu a-wink).

thank you for sharing this with us again, and welcome to the aaa family!! so happy to have you here and along for the journey with us. 💖

-- Maggie

#high praise tag #so incredibly sweet... you guys rock #thanks for being on this journey with us!#S3 reax #310 reax #Anonymous #ask and you shall receive

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #343

“i slither like a viper and get you by the neck / i know a thousand ways to help you forget about her”

What's your favorite kind of bear? I don't really know. I just like bears. Have you ever sent a FWD because you were afraid? Ha, yup, as a little kid. Would you ever date more than one person at a time? Nooooo sir. Have you ever rebounded... or been someone's rebound? No. What’s the biggest argument you’ve ever had with a family member? Did things ever go back to how they were beforehand? My grandmother cursed me the fuuuuck out one night as a kid because I was in a mood and didn't tell my mother goodnight. I still remember being called an ungrateful bitch with her like an inch from my face, and admittedly, I was being rude because I wanted to go home, but it kinda scarred me for life. For the remainder of her life, I was always sort of on edge around her and was convinced she didn't like me. Have you ever experienced some kind of natural disaster? I've been through lots of hurricanes. None that massively affected my life, though. If you have pets, do you feed them human food or do they just get regular pet food? If they do get human food, what’s their favorite thing to have? Venus is a snake, so she obviously doesn't get food meant for humans. Roman is very well-trained to not beg or make a move for people's food; he tried once as a kitten, and giving him a pop taught him right away. Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who won? No. What’s the mode of transport that you take or use the most? The car. Mom's, specifically. Have you ever had a zoo keeper experience or anything where you’ve been able to go behind the scenes and look after/feed the animals? No, but I wish. :( Would you ever want the responsibility of being a politician or a similar position of power? NOOOOOOO. What’s something your parents do that really annoys you? Mom is *always* right, pretty much indisputably. And she WILL have the last word. Dad, meanwhile, can be pretty rude to people. I don't think he realizes it half the time, but still. It's not an excuse. What is your main source of anxiety? Social interactions. What’s your favorite 90s cartoon? Pokemon. Describe the moment you realized you were falling in love with someone. I'd rather not. What’s your favorite sparkling water brand/flavor? I've never tried sparkling water. What’s your favorite makeup brand/brands? I don't have a favorite, considering I don't wear it nearly enough and have never even bought my own. I just use whatever Mom buys. What are some female names you would name a baby? Alessandra is my favorite for sure. I also love Anneliese, Justine, Evelyn, Chloe, Evangeline, Quinn... There's a lot. What about male? Severin is my favorite, and I also like Damien, Vincent, Victor, and Luther. Do you have any subscription boxes? No. What fictional creature would you like as a pet? I want a dragon, goddammit. Idc if it can breathe fire ok I want a dragon. Ewoks are also the one and only thing I enjoy from Star Wars. What kind of dwelling do you live in? Just a one-story house. Is there anyone you work with that you don't get along with? Why? N/A Do you have an opinion on adopting/purchasing a pet? PLEASE adopt, especially with cats and dogs, given the number of strays. Purebreds tend to have so many underlying issues, and besides, it's just a LOT of money for an animal that probably wouldn't outlive a mutt. Don't feed the machine if you can. What's your favorite chain restaurant? The Cheesecake Factory or Olive Garden. Why were you last pulled over? I’ve never been pulled over before. What was the last thing you've done on the water? Just kinda swam around a bit in the ocean. It was so warm, totally like a bath. I do NOT miss that sun poisoning, though. Are you cool with swimming in a lake? I think I'd do it if someone invited me to, and the lake didn't look filthy, of course. Do you have a drone? No. What's your favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurant? We have this tiny, local Mexican place that's really good. I don't know the name of it, and I wouldn't share it for obvious reasons. What do you order from there? Chips and salsa of course, along with a shrimp and cheese quesadilla, and finally their cheesy rice. What's your favorite ice-cream flavor? Depending on my mood, it bounces between vanilla with chocolate syrup or just plain chocolate. Do you have any t-shirts from any local businesses? No. Do you listen to any talk shows or podcasts? I used to listen to Mark, Bob, and Wade's podcast, but I'm like... ten months behind, haha. What's something someone calls you that you find endearing? I like "love" a lot. What's your favorite children's book? I loved books like The Rainbow Fish, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Stellaluna, 10 Minutes 'til Midnight, What Makes a Rainbow?, Chrysanthemum, etc. Is there a new season for a series you're excited to come out? Meerkat Manor comes back this summer, and I am fucking HYPED. How old are you? I'm 25. What is something unique you enjoy about the one you like/love? I tease her about it all the time, but it's really cute that she keeps all of her snakes' good sheds in her room. Proud reptile mom. Are you more liberal or conservative? I'm close to the middle, but I lean towards being more liberal, and I seem to go more that way with time. Do you watch American Horror Story? I used to. I saw the entire first season and really liked it, and then I almost finished the second, but I lost interest. The story got a bit stupid imo. I'd be willing to watch other seasons, though. Does your hometown have any urban legends/scary stories? None that I’m aware of. The people there are scary enough. What's the scariest nightmare you remember having? Let's not talk about it. Are you medicated? Uh very. Are there any apps you're addicted to? Nah. Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? It was initially a bunny holding a polka-dotted blanket, then it become a moose I got from Cabela's when in Ohio. Do you still collect stuffed animals? Only meerkat ones. Have you ever stolen/borrowed clothes from an ex? Haha I've worn Jason's pj pants before and they just kinda... became mine, lol. What's the last movie you watched at home? The Shining, I believe. What's the last movie you watched in theaters? The CGI remake of The Lion King. I still don't get why it was received so badly. Have you ever had eggs cooked over a campfire? I don't think so, no. If you do drink, what's your favorite alcoholic beverage? Margaritas, generally. However, Sara's dad made me this absofuckinglutely incredible chocolate drink before that tasted like a milkshake. It had like, no alcohol flavor, which worked out well for me considering I very much dislike that taste. Are there any songs you've been listening to repetitively lately? There's a new one every day lately, haha. Today it's Halocene's cover of "Love Bites (So Do I)." Cereal, granola, or oatmeal? Cereal. What TV shows did you grow up watching? You gotta gimme an age group... but I'd say the typical stuff for kids of that time. What does your phone case look like? It's just a boring purple that came with it. What were your favorite toys to play with as a child? I looooved playing with my "family" of a father crocodile, a mother deer, their two "children" (a fawn and smaller croc), and "friends" that were little Pokemon figurines. Then there was an evil t-rex with two stupid sidekicks, haha. I can't remember what dinosaurs they were. What's the most embarrassing thing you can ever remember doing? Hold on, lemme find my book. Do you remember what you dreamt about last night? I only very faintly recall dreaming about my cat Roman. Have you ever done anything embarrassing in a dream? Thank FUCK they're just dreams. Do you vape? Nah. What was a song you loved as a child? So uh. Apparently. I loved "Dookie" by Green Day. It's an undying story from Mom about how it came on once at a putt-putt place and I apparently started yelling "dookie!" and dancing. Do you enjoy the Arctic Monkeys? Yeah, I love some of their songs. Are you going to see Finding Dory? You bet your sweet ass I saw it. I've cried everytime I've watched it. Have you ever been horseback-riding? I have not, but I would love to. When was your last piercing? Whenever I got my tragus done, which I can't remember. What did your first crush look like? I don't remember my puppydog love first crush, but I can talk about my first REAL crush, Sebastian. He's a skinny dude with short, brown hair and a lip piercing... I can't remember which kind. He dressed in an emo style, and Facebook pictures at least suggest he still kind of does, I think. Is your body more curvy or flat? Well, I'm not at all skinny, so... What's your least favorite holiday? Probably Christopher Colombus Day, honestly. You didn't discover shit. Don't pretend to me it's worth celebrating in a clean conscience. if you’re having a boring day what do you usually do? If I'm rock-bottom bored, quite honestly, I normally nap, even though I know I shouldn't. Do you turn to food when you're upset? Ugh, I'm admittedly an emotional eater. I got way better about it, and then I started up again. Is your bf/gf good with your parents? I don't have an s/o. Do you think soda should be served at school? Vending machines are fine I suppose, as I don't believe they should be free seeing as they're nothing but sugar content, and I feel schools shouldn't just hand that out to kids at lunch or something. Do dogs have feelings? They sure do. Are you afraid of snakes? Oh no! I adore them. I respect snakes and am going to give wild ones their space for sure considering I don't recognize every native venomous one, but nevertheless, I'm not afraid of them. They are so vital to the ecosystem and are incredibly fascinating animals that deserve our protection. On that note, PLEASE do not kill any snake you come across in your shed or whatever. Call someone to relocate the terrified thing. Favorite snack? It depends on what I'm in the mood for, really. Ever seen The Notebook? Read the book, seen the movie plenty of times. Do you think cussing is trashy? No. Who is the most famous person you’ve met, if any? Nobody. Do you own any animals that aren’t domestic? No. Have you ever feared that you would lose a body part? No. Do you like gore? Yeah, generally. Do you like to drink water? Ugh, I really don't. I wish I did. Have you ever had a wax? I used to get my eyebrows waxed. Do you have any sets of matching bras and underwear? No. Are you any good at improv? Not at ALL.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''love bites (so do i)'' by halestorm

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surveys4ever · 3 years

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Do you remember much from high school? I remember all of it!

Where would you go for the ultimate honeymoon? Somewhere warm and remote where you can escape society and just be 100% together and in the moment.

Can you access the roof of the building you live in? Nope.

Do you know anyone who has a strong accent that is hard to understand? My husband’s family is all southern and when they start talking really fast on the phone, I have a hard time keeping up. He’s good at translating though!

If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get? The pink CareBear on my thigh.

What was the last podcast you listened to? Do you listen to it regularly? Ummm..Bailey Sarian’s new podcast! I believe there’s only one episode but I’m honestly not much of a podcast listener.

Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist, and why do you think this is? I’m a pessimist because of anxiety.

When was the last time you moved house? Last yeah!

Have you ever held a gun? Did you fire it? Nope.

Do you like simple questions or deep questions that make you think? Depends!

When was the last time you threw up? Why were you sick? 8 years ago and I was drunk off my ass.

Are you on a first-name basis with your boss? (or last boss if unemployed) I’m my own boss but yes, I was on a first name basis with my last boss.

What brand is your laptop or computer? Apple!

Would you ever wear a bright orange shirt? Of course!

What was the last thing you wrote in a word document? I was helping Beebs write up schedules.

Who do you miss and what do you miss about them? I miss my grandparents, man. I haven't seen them in like 4 years and it makes me so sad.

What were the best and worst costumes you've ever worn? My parents put 0 effort into halloween one year and so at the last minute they put one of my dad’s shirts on me and drew a mustache on. I don’t know what I was supposed to be but everybody thought I was a boy and I was not happy.

Do you know anybody who is gay and married? I don’t actually! All the gay people I know are single.

What did you last take painkillers for? I had a toothache!

Have you ever shared a home with a friend? Nope.

What's the craziest or weirdest place you've ever slept? Idk about y’all, but I sleep in a bed.

What did you have for lunch today and who made it? I made mac & cheese!

Do you believe in anything supernatural like ghosts or ghouls? Nope.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? I stopped looking at the clock because I couldn’t sleep but like...6 hoursish?

Are you allergic to anything? How did you find out? Bananas. I’ve eaten them all my life and truly love them and then one day last year, I made myself a smoothie in the morning and I got SUPER nauseous with really bad back cramps. Was confused but I took ibuprofen and it went away after a few hours. The next day, same thing happened. Same with the day after that. And I couldn’t figure out why it was happening so I was like ‘k, it must be something I’m eating’. So I woke up and had a banana because I figured I'd play it safe. Got the same nausea and back cramps. So I skipped bananas for a few days and it didn’t happen at all. I looked into it and apparently that's a common allergic reaction. So I’ve never had them again.

What's your favourite Thai dish? I’ve actually never tried Thai food!

Do you have any alarms set? What time and what for? I have them set for every 5 minutes from 5-9 am I think, haha! My husband is hard to wake up so he sets hella alarms on both our phones and our Google home. And I set a bunch and forget to delete them later.

What are you going to do when this survey is over? Probably go sew.

Have you ever been on a date with someone you met online? How was it? I met my husband online! And they’ve all been great :)

What colour is the rug in your living area? We have carpet and I hate it.

Do you call it a couch, sofa, lounge or something else entirely? Usually a couch, sometimes a sofa.

Who is your favourite character on Friends? Chandler and Phoebe!

When was the last time you used a pair of headphones and what for? The other day I was cleaning so I had my AirPods in.

Describe the temperature of the area you're in right now. It is currently 70 and windy!

Who was the last very physically attractive person you saw? My husband :)

Have you ever had teppanyaki? I truly don’t know what that is.

How long does it take you to get ready before you go somewhere? It depends if I’m already ready or not. If I just need to get dressed, 5-10 minutes. If I need to do my hair, put makeup on, pick an outfit, and get dressed, probably like 3 hours.

Do you find it difficult to get rid of material possessions? It depends! Certain things I can look at and know I’m never gonna use it again or that I found something better to replace it but other things that are still perfectly good and I might use later? I hoard those a little bit.

What sort of games do you like to play? I like life simulators like Sims and Animal Crossing. But I also love a good board game!

What was the last candy you ate? I don’t remember!

Have you ever been hit in the face? What's the story? In the face with basketballs and dodgeballs a lot. And one time when I was like 13-14, I was crawling around after my little sister trying to tickle her and she elbowed me in the nose and made me bleed. We both cried.

Do you know anyone who is deaf? I do, actually!

Name one thing on your bucket list. Buy a house and foster a bunch of puppies.

#survey

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delicatejisung · 4 years

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─── ❝ 나 보고 싶었어? ❞ ───

❃ “hi~, it’s been so long.” she immediately said as soon as the live started

❃ “czennies~”

❃ “czennies should stop missing me too much, a lot are getting mad on bubble. but it’s okay, you guys are cute.”

❃ fan comment: why are you glowing so much?

❃ “me?! really? it’s because of you, a lot are watching this so it’s making me happy [giggles]”

❃ “did you guys see the mv teasers? it’s cute, right?”

❃ fan comment: we’re happy for you

❃ “i am too, czennies will finally get to hear my music!”

❃ “honestly, recently i’ve been spending a lot of time at the dorm. like, not in my room but on our living room and i realized how fun the members are. we have so much fun together, i wish we could spend more time with czennies like that too. just playing games and talking.”

❃ fan comment: did you get taeyong a present?

❃ “i did! i gave him... yeah, i gave him a present.”

❃ “i just realized i didn’t greet him on bubble or vlive like the other members did but i did message him! don’t worry, i value taeyong-hyung so much~”

❃ “i watched johnny-hyung’s vlive the last time where he reacted to youtube edits and it was so much fun seeing their reactions. i’ll try that someday too, with the members so it’s more fun!”

❃ fan comment: please don’t

❃ “why? why can’t i watch???”

❃ fan comment: the shipping videos....

❃ “[laughs hard] cute~”

❃ “it’s fine, i’ve seen them. on twitter, i see a lot of people who ship jaemin with jeno-hyung!”

❃ fan comment: do you ship them?

❃ “[laughs] sure, as long as they don’t make me a third wheel then it’s fine [laughs harder]”

❃ grabs her phone to go on twitter

❃ “ah, so these are the popular ships! jeno-hyung and jaemin, chenle and jisung & mark-hyung and haechan-hyung?”

❃ fan comment: also you and renjun!!!

❃ “...right. me and renjun-hyung. are we a popular ship?”

❃ fan comment: yes!!!!

❃ “[giggles] okay, i’ll tell him that.”

❃ “we practiced today, we just finished. i think the concert’s tomorrow, i’m not really sure.”

❃ fan comment: when is the podcast?

❃ “on saturday! oh right, about that. there were a lot of things that we talked about that i haven’t talked about before, so i hope you guys get to listen to it and get to know me even better.”

❃ fan comment: did you take pictures during the midyear festival? you didn’t post unlike chenle and renjun.

❃ “ah, that. i took A LOT of pictures with the hyungs, geges and other friends but i didn’t post them because i was too tired that night. the next morning, i felt like it already passed so i didn’t post them. [laughs]”

❃ “i’ll post them on their birthdays instead. if i remember [laughs]”

❃ fan comment: nct life spoiler please

❃ “oh, i cried!”

❃ fan comment: that was on the teaser!

❃ “IT WAS?! that’s unfair~ why would they put a clip of me crying on the teaser?”

❃ “i don’t have anything more to spoil, jisung was cute as usual.”

❃ the door suddenly opens and yanna stares at it a couple of seconds before realizing who it was

❃ “jisungie~” she said as jisung walked towards her

❃ “are you joining me?” “just for a bit.”

❃ fan comment: jisung and yanna, tmi please

❃ “jisung likes me too much these days, he borrows my perfume” “i like the smell not you” “oyoyyoyoyooy” “you don’t wear it anyways, you use-“ “YAH”

❃ fan comment: the star road episodes came out already until the telepathy game

❃ “ah, renjun-hyung’s penalty!” “the boyfriend gifs!” “that was really funny...”

❃ fan comment: jisung, have you seen the mv of yanna’s station?

❃ “i have! it’s...wow!” “stop overreacting!” “all members have seen it but you guys just have to wait a bit more”

❃ fan comment: yuta talked about you two recently

❃ “what did hyung say?” “i saw that! he said you did the scissor thing to him last time and he was reminded of trainee days.” “[laughs]”

❃ “i also saw on twitter that someone asked winwin-hyung if he would rather see 5 yannas or 5 year-old yanna” “what did he say?” “he said 5 year-old yanna because he wants to see how small i was back then” “[laughs hard]”

❃ “recently, the hyungs have been watching kdrama a lot but yanna and i can’t be bothered with it.” “i just don’t think i’m the kind of person who can sit through a whole kdrama, so i don’t join in.” “me too, i feel like my attention span... it’s just that i have a lot of things that i want to do instead of just watching a drama the whole day.”

❃ fan comment: yanna, do you still play superstar?

❃ “no~, because i can’t do the hard mode!”

❃ fan comment: how was skiing?

❃ “it was so much fun! our manager-hyung is just, amazing. he’s really good at teaching us.” “it was so much fun”

❃ the door opened once again, making the two look

❃ “CZENNIES~” jaemin yelled out as renjun calmly ran

❃ the two were then joined by both renjun and jaemin beside them

❃ “where are the three?” yanna asked

❃ “our jeno, haechan and chenle are sleeping.” jaemin replied while looking at the screen reading comments

❃ “we have to go in a while to eat” renjun said

❃ “czennies, go to akdong seoul every night!” yanna reminded the fans while jisung could only hold in his laugh and jaemin snickered a bit

❃ fan comment: 8dream comeback?

❃ “we really don’t know anything yet~” “we’re clueless too but we want that as well” “right now, we really don’t know yet” “let’s all hope”

❃ fan comment: yanna, are you good at mandarin now?

❃ jisung: [laughs]

jaemin: [laughs while clapping]

renjun: [tries to hold in his laughs but fails]

❃ “.....i AM good!” “of course you are”

❃ fan comment: renjun and yanna are wearing the same sweater 😂

❃ [cue jisung widening his eyes before laughing]

❃ “aigoo! why are you wearing couple sweaters!” jaemin joked while jisung laughed even harder

❃ “it’s both just black though” yanna said, making renjun pull his cap down to cover his heated face

❃ “let’s say goodbye, do you guys have anything to say to czennies?” “always take care~”

❃ “czennies, you guys should always take care at a time like this. we’ll meet each other again soon so you should be healthy! i love you~” “bye bye~” “bye~” “hyung, tap the end!” “bye~”

#huang yanna #yanna huang #nct dream 8th member #nct yanna #nct 22nd member #kpop female addition #female kpop addition

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thewestmeetingroom · 4 years

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Ep 41 Wasn’t It Lovely?

Broadcast Oct. 17, 2021 • 56:02

https://soundcloud.com/harthousestories/the-west-meeting-room-ep-41-wasnt-it-lovely

SPEAKERS:

Braeden, Sabahat, Saba, Nermeen

[The show opens with a 6 minute audio installation created by Phoebe Wang that was played on a loop inside a secret alcove she constructed as part of the Contellation’s Resonant Bodies exhibit at the Toronto Media Arts Building in in the summer of 2019. This secret hideout allowed the listener a private moment to sit on a carpeted floor and soak in this multi-track audio collage that weave in and out of music, crowded rooms, soundscapes, and intimate conversations that all tap into existential conflicts around belonging and the pursuit of living. This work prompted the following hour of radio and the audio portion of this piece can be found here:

https://www.constellationsaudio.com/sounds/resonantbodies/wang]

Braeden

The audio that we're listening to at the top of the show today is a piece titled "Isn't it lovely?" by multimedia artist Phoebe Wang. The first time I heard this piece, it was playing on a loop in a small triangular room that felt like the perfect teenage hideout. It was a secret room built into the corner of a gallery in the Toronto Media Arts Building. And it was one of many sound installations I experienced that day in the Resonant Bodies exhibit hosted by Constellations, which is a collective of artists that playfully experiment with sound and narrative. This exhibit completely transformed the way that I think about sound and space and story. And it was made all the more special by the people I was sharing those moments with. It's been over a year now since that exhibit, and I'm called back to the memories of that day, as I try to remember what it felt like to share an experience with friends all together in one space. That whole summer I worked alongside Sabahat, Nermeen and Saba. We would meet every week in this tiny room on the third floor of Hart House called the West Meeting Room. We laughed and cried, sometimes at the same time, as we held space for each other's stories. It's been such a lonely year. And the longing for connection and community just swallows me sometimes. There's a picture on my phone that bubbles up from the ether, and brings me back into this memory. The pictures is of my baby toddling her way into this secret doorway at the gallery. It's from this day, at the end of the summer, when the four of us, well, five of us, I guess if you include my baby, we all met up to go to a sound exhibit. Something we'd never done. And it was this perfect afternoon of togetherness and exploration and laughter. It's a memory that I treasure. It prompted me to reach out a few weeks ago. I called up Sabahat and Nermeen and Saba to reconnect and to laugh and to cry. And to try to insert this embodied feeling of togetherness into the remembering of that day. It's a feeling that's been missing for a long time now. You are listening to The West Meeting Room on CiUT 89.5 FM broadcasting from Hart House where we are taking up space on Dish with One Spoon Territory. I'm Braeden Doane. I'm hosting the show today and inviting all of you into my conversations with the people who helped daydream this weekly radio show onto the airwaves connecting across multiple time zones. You'll hear from Sabahat, Nermeen and Saba as we reminisce about our explorations of sound and story with one another. So stay tuned, get comfortable. And when we return, I'll give Saba a call and ask her about her memories of working together that magical summer.

Saba

[phone rings] Hello?

Braeden

Hi!

Saba

Hi!

Braeden

How are you?

Saba

I'm great. Thank you. How are you?

Braeden

I'm doing Okay. Um, yes, it's a bit, bit of a. You know, it's a juggling act.

Saba

Yeah, I completely understand.

Braeden

Yeah. Um, well, maybe. Are you okay, are you comfortable if I just if I just dive right in?

Saba

Yeah, definitely.

Braeden

Would you mind introducing yourself for our listeners?

Saba

Hi. I'm Saba, I am a storyteller. I love introducing myself that way because it's, it's very ambiguous and mysterious. And it kind of invites kind of questions because people ask, oh, like, what kind of stories do you tell? And yeah, I just, I am very honored to be on this call with you. Thanks so much for connecting with me, Braeden.

Braeden

Oh, of course. Well, could I ask, what kind of stories do you tell?

Saba

Yeah. I, honestly, I don't think there's one story that I tell. It's kind of unraveling, and it's constantly evolving. I tell stories of of love and connection. And it's kind of a process of, I got into storytelling to learn more about myself and my place in the world. And just, I kind of tell the stories that I would have loved to hear when I was younger, growing up and kind of lost and figuring things out. And I mean, I tell stories that always, they mean something to me, but also, they're like a point of connection with others. Like when they hear the stories, they can find themselves interwoven in the narrative. So that's a really ambiguous answer. But um, and it's constantly evolving, you know.

Braeden

Oh, that's beautiful. I love, Yeah, you tell stories of love and connection. That definitely, that really does speak to the stories that you tell. So I had a chance to talk, I called, a few weeks ago I called Sabahat. And we had this amazing conversation. And then the following week, we were able to bring Nermeen into that conversation. And so I was just piecing this together and, you know, you were like the other, you're like the missing link to the group. So I just, I'm just so grateful you're willing to add your voice to this. And, and just Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about our time together last summer, which feels like so, it just feels like years ago at this point. And something that we talked a lot about was thinking about the West Meeting Room as a space and sort of like the origins of that space that we sort of all created together last summer. And then sort of molding that into a vision of a radio show. And then, you know, here we are, like 40 some odd episodes later. So yeah, I just wanted to know, like, do you remember the first time you went to the West Meeting Room?

Saba

Yeah. Um, the first time I walked into the West Meeting Room, I was so excited and nervous and just, I had just recently been hired as a podcast producer for Hart House Stories, and I just, you know, I had kind of, I had briefly met all of you. You Braeden and and Tony and Sabrina at the Pride Pub. And then I was just honestly, I was so blown away by the energy and just the, I think the main thing I remember from just walking into that space was like all of the possibilities that this, that this job, this new job could hold for me because I, you know, I love stories. I've always loved stories, but the possibilities of telling stories through sound was still very novel to me, and I think I was just so I was just basking in all of the newness and just the novelty of it all and when I walked into that space for our first meeting, I think I was just, I just knew that this was the start of something so special for me. A really exciting chapter. And it's, it was also my first foray really into Hart House. It's such a big like building, it's so grand. I hadn't really explored all the nooks and crannies. And when I was trying to find the West Meeting Room actually I got lost, because it's just so hidden. It's like so, it feels almost separated from the rest of the building. It's like this, this very special kind of hidden gem in Hart House. And what I remember really vividly about the West Meeting Room and just being in that space with all of you and connecting with Sabahat and Nermeen, and everybody, it's just the laughter. I can never forget just how much fun we had in that space. And I'm sure we'll continue to have in that space. It's, it's, um, hopefully when we're all able to, to connect in that way again. But it's, um, yeah, I think, I like, I know, this is kind of unconventional, but I like the sound of people talking over each other. Like just that, like the chaos and the excitement and just it all, it makes me feel so warm. And that's what I remember from being in that space. It's the warmth, it's the connection, it's the, it's the love, it's the tenderness of just being in a space and surrounded by a group of people who are just so kind and compassionate. And we're kind of learning and growing together and how everything evolves so quickly. Like, it just, it reminded me of what the beauty of collaboration and just making things, creating things together. It made me feel so much less alone, because I think before then, the university in general, and because Hart House is like an extension of that university, even though it kind of has a life of its own. It's very much a part of that space and that institution. So before that I was so lonely. Navigating that space, I felt like I didn't belong. But walking into the West Meeting Room was my first point of real belonging in that space. And it's just so special. Sorry, I can go on forever. I just love. Yeah I just love it. I think it's really interesting because I never, this is the first time I think I'm actually fully reflecting on how everything has kind of shifted and evolved over the past, I guess it's well over a year now, that I first walked into that space. So thank you. And I want to thank you for forging this kind of like this reflection and connection about, Yeah.

Braeden

Thank you. Yeah, it's nice to connect in this way. And I think sort of in piecing together this show, I've just been thinking a lot about space and community and friendship and collaborative, artistic exploration. And, yeah, it's prompted, it's just been so nice to, like you mentioned, the laughter like in editing this together, you know, I connected with Sabahat, and then the following week Sabahat and Nermeen and I were able to connect across three time zones. And just the laughter that emerged, the peaks of laughter in the recording has just been really comforting. And yeah, it's kind of tempered the loneliness of, that we've all sort of working our way through this year. So we all went on the field trip to the Constellations Resonant Bodies sound exhibit. I just wondered if you had any reflections about going to that exhibit? Memories of that day? Maybe, how it, did it shift anything in the way that you think about sound? Yeah would you mind sharing a bit about that?

Saba

It was incredible. I think just, first of all, going to that space was a whole kind of adventure of its own. I walked through like Trinity Bellwoods Park for the first time to get there. Like I had cross the, like walk across it and kind of go through all of these like twists and turns and all these very, like, obscure streets for me like because I hadn't really forayed into really that part of downtown before. And then being able to connect with you Braeden and Sabahat and Nermeen. That was amazing because I felt like really that was such a special moment. For me to be able to experience that exhibit with all of you. First of all it was, I felt like it was kind of this combination of things. It was like an independent kind of individual journey that we're all embarking on. But also we were all so connected in the same way. And afterwards, when we were talking about it, it was so refreshing to be able to like just, all of us were just in awe, and just sharing our individual experiences. So that was really fun. This exhibit itself was incredible, like, just the way it was. All the displays were kind of, it felt like you were moving through this kind of disconnected yet very connected and cohesive kind of exhibit. Like, each display was so unique in its own right, but all of them were the media, the medium, the main medium was sound. So that was really cool. And I think that was my first, no, I know that was my first time going to sound exhibit. So it was just a day of firsts. And I was actually, though all of them were so incredible. I just spent so much time at each individual station and kind of making sure I fully kind of immersed myself in the space. I was particularly drawn to Phoebe's piece "Isn't it lovely?" I think, first of all, walking into that kind of cordoned off like room, it felt like you were entering into this whole other world. Like it was this whole other realm. There was something very comforting about it. It was I think it might have been the carpet because I'm so used to carpet flooring. And I just sat down cross legged. I think at one point, I actually lay down on my back, like fully on my back, and I just closed my eyes. And I was listening to the piece. And the piece is very much, like it's the sounds that kind of are entering your body. But it's also the space. Like the space is so intentionally designed to kind of, it almost envelops you in this comfort and this warmth. But then you're also listening to this piece that's very, like, there's a lot happening. There are a lot of sounds of conversation. You can kind of zoom in on certain parts of the conversation. You feel like you're going on this, like this roller coaster of emotion. It's very, yeah, it's so intimate in a way. It feels like you're intruding on someone's life, like you've been kind of, but you've also in a way been invited into it. Because when I actually first walked into the space, the door was slightly ajar. So it was almost like an invitation to walk in. And you kind of like hesitantly open the door. You kind of like move your way, push your way through the door and sit down. And I think I've told this story before, but that day that we visited, there was a newspaper on the ground. And I don't know, I felt kind of compelled to look at it. And I think there was something about a horoscope and I looked at my horoscope and it was just so, it resonated so much with me that it was all these like little things that kind of aligned for me to be in that room in that space. And to connect with the sounds that were kind of outside of me, but also like entering my body in a weird way. I don't know if that sounds kind of off. It really did feel like all consuming, that display. Phoebe's display felts so all consuming. And that was actually, I can, if I could vividly pinpoint a time, a moment where I fell in love with sound it was in that space. And particularly listening to Phoebe's piece and being a part of it. Because you felt like an actor, in a way you felt like a participant in that story. And the stories that were kind of being told in that space. You didn't feel removed from it, you felt very much a part of it. And I didn't even know that you could do this with sound. Like storytelling can be, stories can be told this way that they can be so intimate and so, so engaging and so immersive and so powerful. Like I couldn't stop thinking about that exhibit. And then I went back again with my partner and it was just this whole other experience just being in that space with him beside me. And yeah, it was just so lovely. And then honestly, when Constellations, they uploaded all of the pieces to their online exhibition, like for their online exhibit for Resonant Bodies. To this day, I've listened to the piece several times, and every time I just close my eyes and just take it all in and I can transport myself back to that, like I'm transported back to that space. And that day. And I think I really felt like you all were my family, like we were all there together. And I, it was such a special moment of connection. And really Braeden, it was all because of you, because I would have never heard of this exhibit. I would have never had this, like transformative experience without you. So thank you so much Braeden. I am so grateful to you for putting all this together. Like you really are the tether that connected all of us together and cultivated all these experiences that are so memorable. So thank you.

Braeden

Thank you so much. Just in these last few minutes, I wondered if, you know, we weren't able to connect for our call with Sabahat and Nermeen, but is there something, is there a message you would like to pass on to them so they can hear it when this airs?

Saba

Yes. I want to say I love you both. I feel, I will always hold on to memories that we created together so dearly. And I think what's so beautiful is that we all connected through our love of sound and storytelling. And that will always be there. Like it will always keep us tethered together. And we created this bond that is so special and so meaningful to me. And I'm so excited for also, for all the possibilities that our friendship can hold. And I'm so excited for the possibility of reconnecting in person again, because I really miss all of you. And that was one of the best summers of my life. So thank you. Yeah, thank you. I think the main thing I want to say is I'm so grateful to you all for, for just for helping me grow and being there for me, and just accepting me as I am. Yeah, I think that's so special. I think that's just what really, like I'm learning more and more, especially in a time like this, that connection is everything. Community really is everything. It's really what keeps us going and keeps us creating and keeps us moving, and kind of keeps us hopeful. So yeah.

Braeden

Thank you so much. And I'm just yeah, I'm so touched and overwhelmed with just expanding love. Yeah, this has just been so special to reconnect in this way. And, you know, I know we're, sort of maybe thinking longingly on those memories together in The West Meeting Room. But I guess my hope is that the show can carry on that space and can be a pathway for continuing these connections and collaborations. And yeah, just thank you so much. Thank you for sharing.

Saba

Oh, thank you. Have a, have an amazing day and and say hi to everybody for me to Noah and Mattis. And we'll be in touch soon. Okay, sounds

Braeden

Okay, sounds good.

Saba

Yeah! Thank you!

Braeden

Thank you! Take care

Saba

Bye!

Braeden

Thank you so much Saba for sharing your stories with us. We're going to take a quick break. And when we return, I'll bring you into my conversation with Nermeen and Sabahat as they share their memories of expanding our explorations of sound and creative collaboration. You are listening to CiUT 89.5 FM stay with us.

Nermeen

So I think it was really interesting because I was thinking about that day and like I streetcar-ed down like to that area and I hadn't really visited that like, the place where the little museum was or the Art Center. I hadn't really visited it before so even just like walking and around that area, I can remember the street really clearly. There was a bakery opposite. And just kind of like that whole experience of coming there and it started raining slightly. I think like also just being anywhere that's kind of new. Like there is a certain nervousness, like as I was walking over as well, I do remember that sort of feeling like, what if I'm the first one there and like, I don't know where to go? And how to like, how to like, do the exhibit right? And all of that. And like, I also, I haven't been to very many like conceptual art pieces in general. So I think there is also like, a certain nervousness of like, Am I gonna understand it? Am I gonna, like "get" what's happening here?

Sabahat

You know, I was talking to Braeden about this exactly, right. Where art kind of becomes this exclusive place where there's almost a fear of going inside. Because like galleries and everything are set up in such a way that you're just like, you know, I might not be qualified to like decipher this, you know. There's no understanding of you know, that this could be subjective. That's a real kind of fear that surrounds galleries, which I wish would go away. And I wish galleries would be more accessible. But I think yeah, that anxiety is so real. Because like, the gallery is such an acoustic kind of like, you also like, it almost feels like a sin to talk in the gallery.

Nermeen

I think also with conceptual art pieces, there's always a moment where you walk in and you're kind of like, what is happening here. And like there was the the first piece in the entrance had I think balloons were being like, inflated and deflated. And like trying to figure out like, how did these pieces actually work? And what are we supposed to be like looking at or listening for And then there was one off to the side, kind of where I think you have to put headphones on and then sort of like, again, like you start in the middle of the piece. And I think something about that was also very interesting, where it was on, it was on a loop. And I remember putting it on. And it's just like going already and you're doing this like mental math of trying to figure out like, I have no idea what this piece is about. Even if I started from the beginning, I probably wouldn't fully understand that. And then once you kind of get a little bit of a grasp on what's happening, you can sort of absorb it a lot better. And I think, and just kind of, I think walking in with everybody and everyone kind of split into their own directions and went to different ones was cool to just sort of see, just to see the way that people were experiencing the exhibit. Feels like such a long like, I feel like the whole world changed since then basically, which it did in a way. It's just so strange. Like, I just feel like time as this whole concept is so so strange. But that actually makes me, that reminds me kind of like, of the actual exhibit because I feel like with things that are totally sound based and like they there's no visuals to them. And actually at the Phoebe Wang one, I think specifically, there's almost like a, like a sense of like, no time basically. And like the idea that like time doesn't exist in those spaces in the same way because you're almost in this like sound bubble. And especially with like any, the two pieces that stick out the most to me were her one with the, with all of the voices. And then also that other one in the sound box. For hers, though, I was trying to find like my notebook because I had kept a notebook with me from the day and I have no idea where it is now. But like, it might even be in Canada to be honest. But I wrote down like little bits of phrases from her, like just dialogue bits, because I thought like, these would be really interesting starting points for like a short story or something. And then the idea of like, visualizing her in conversation with these people, and it made me want to record like people around me as well. And just like, then kind of like chop up the conversation so you have to fill in all of those gaps. Because I think just like that, in itself, just this idea of capturing that human element of conversation was so interesting. And like, you almost hear yourself reflected in it. And I wish I could find my notebook and like find some stuff I had written down because I have no recollection of it now. But yeah, I think that like that, that's what really stood out to me about her piece.

Sabahat

It's always helpful if you go with people, because if you're going alone, you know, those anxieties kind of increase because you're like, Oh my god, I'm so nervous, you know, What if someone sees me? But if you're with a bunch of people who you already know and are comfortable with. Like, we were, we were together and so that kind of comfort kind of made it a little easier, where it was just like you know, Okay, this is a room. I'm just gonna lie down out here. Because I lay down in the Phoebe Wang exhibition. I was like I'm just gonna lie down. Um, you know, whichi would've definitely 100% would not have done if I was on my own.

Nermeen

I definitely agree that I think going with people makes a huge difference. But for me, what I also really appreciated about the exhibit was like the idea of like private viewing spaces. Which you don't often get in a gallery, so like the idea that you can like go behind the door or like go inside a sound box or sort of, sort of like sit on a bench off to the side and like experience that part of the exhibit like completely on your own. I remember like walking into the Phoebe Wang one actually, like I think the first time I went in I was on my own for that one and I didn't really know what was happening in it or like if I was even supposed to go in. Because it's kind of like behind the door and you're not sure if that's part of the exhibit. But just like being able to sort of like sit and not feel, or at least that maybe this is just me, but like feel conscious of like being looked at as you look at the Art. Even though like nobody is doing that because like I wasn't looking at anybody else looking at the art and so I was assuming that nobody else was either, but you always think like Am I looking at this right? Am I like, what if I'm looking at like something that's not part of the exhibit and like somebody notices. Like how embarrassing. But yeah, being able to I guess experience it just like very privately in a way, I think that kind of did make it a little bit more accessible, at least for me.

Braeden

So like we went to this exhibit because we were working in audio together throughout the course of the summer. And this was our like, end of the summer field trip. So yeah, I just wondered did it sort of change the way you think about audio or sound art?

Nermeen

I definitely came out of it with a lot of ideas about like, what I could do with sound, I think, like, with what we were doing, designing audio, and I think like anyone who kind of works on like a podcast or a more like narrative format, you're sort of thinking very much in terms of like, how do these parts connect to like a larger story. Whereas I feel like with the sound exhibit, it was very much about like, the parts themselves, and how they can be chopped up in different ways to like create, like, very auditory experiences more than narrative experiences. I think they weren't trying to tell any kind of story or like put together a consistent theme. And I think just like the idea of like, playing with sound in that way was something I actually hadn't really thought about. With the audio, I was always thinking about playing with story. And so that was like a very new concept. And just like, okay, like, a sentence could be like an audio piece. Or like, just one word, like on repeat could be an audio piece. Like I had never thought of that before. So I definitely remember like, right at the very end of the exhibit, like we all kind of came out and there was these two tables, and we were standing and like kind of debriefing about everything over there. And that was really fun. And it was kind of like, Oh, how did you feel? What did you think and like? Just, we were laughing. And it was a really nice experience. But there's also a point where, in the actually in the Phoebe Wang one, where I think like, I definitely remember Sabahat was in there, like lying down. And there was like, I think we were all in there together at some point. And like, even just like, I think experiencing that, because I had sort of briefly gone in and then came out and then experiencing it again, like together was really fun. Because like, I think that experience of like, my eyes were closed at one point. And like everybody was sort of experiencing it individually. But also just like being able to watch the reactions of different people, kind of smiling to themselves, or paying attention to different things or like scribbling notes down. That was really cool. And I think like that was the only one that I do remember us all being in that exhibit at some point together. Because like you said, I definitely did experience a lot of the exhibits on my own. And so I think that like one collective just moment of like sort of relaxing in there. And like again, it was similar to like The West Meeting Room. It was this like very other space, which is like removed from everything else. And like just pausing inside there was Yeah, I - that sticks out to me. So yeah, that was cool.

Braeden

I'd forgotten that we'd all sort of like had piled into Phoebe's space that she built. And feeling like, I don't know, I feel like kind of that whole day I felt like really connected to my child's mind. I felt like curious and kind of maybe a little silly, and maybe a little bit like, rebellious. Because it's like, you're exploring, and you can do what you want. And then just like, all piling into that space, and I don't know feeling like giggling or just feeling like that moment when you're like, when you're so, when you have like a sleep over when you're 10 and you're just like so jacked decause you're so connected. You're just like all like laughing and giggling together. And it's the best. Like I felt very connected with that feeling.

Nermeen

Yeah, I also think like something that it reminded me of what you were just saying was like, it almost felt like the idea that we were like overhearing like a conversation. And we were kind of like secretly all in on it. Because that's sort of the nature of her piece was that you're overhearing like her conversations with her friends. It almost feels like you're kind of listening through a door into like somebody else's life, into someone else's secrets. And like that kind of experience. In general, doing it with people is always so much fun. Because you can like feel, like you said, like giggle at different points and sort of think like, it feels like you're doing something a little naughty. And I think that's just like, that was such a fun part of it. And like we, I'm really glad that we got to share that.

Braeden

I guess like all of us met in Toronto and worked in sound together. But then both you and Sabahat have returned home afterwards. And so I'm wondering like, were there aspects of like the soundscapes of home that you were experiencing differently after sort of tuning your ear to like, the audio world for a bit?

Nermeen

Oh, that's such a good question. I think yes. And like, I think for me, so I mean, I came back to Dubai after being away for quite a while. Like I grew up here in bits and pieces, and then was in Canada for a long time. And I used to kind of come back for vacations, but at the same time, like I hadn't lived here I think in like five years almost. And so coming back is like, and experiencing just a very big, very fast paced city has been a really interesting experience. And I think, like I'm very sort of attuned to like certain, like one thing that really stood out to me was like the sound of prayer. So like from when I first came here back in December like that was something that I was like intensely aware of, was the fact that you could hear the mosques like five times a day. And like, usually from almost anywhere that you live, that's just part of your daily routine. And it's something so strange in the beginning because that's a sound that you would almost never hear in Toronto city just like naturally and yet it comes, it kind of like it's, you know, like if your window's open like you can hear it in the morning first thing when you wake up and like last thing before you go to sleep. And I think like those kinds of sounds are really interesting. And then also, I think language as well, like, hearing a lot more Arabic over here has been something else that I kind of, I think I'm kind of attuned to it in a different way. And then nature sounds, I think, not as much. Just because there aren't quite as many, or maybe I don't spend as much time outdoors. But yeah, there was like a point where I was going for a lot of walks, especially during a lockdown. And I think like there's kind of a lake near where I live. And so there's fountains in the lake and there's like a bunch of like really big trees where the wind sort of like rustles through and I think that sound, like those soundscapes actually reminded me a lot of Toronto, which is like a nice thing. Because there's so many sounds that are different. The sounds of nature are kind of always the same. So yeah.

Sabahat

I always think about the time when Braeden asked us to, like she gave us like homework, and she was like, you know, record like small soundscapes. And I remember we were all sharing ours and Braeden shared hers, where she was getting off the bus and you could see that TTC kind of voice go on, like this station, and then like the doors open. I think that, like because every time I think about that, I'm like, it's such so Toronto, it's like I missed that. But similar to what Nermeen was saying or, you know, like hearing the Ezan, like the call to prayer five times a day, you get so attuned to it. And like I'm born and raised here. So like, that was absolutely like part of my life since childhood. I actually, when I came to Toronto, it was very weird for a while to not hear that. Because it's just like a part of your day. It's just there. And then when I came back, I noticed the first time I heard that I almost had like, tears in my eyes, because I was like, Oh my god, like, you know. Because like, you'd miss it. But like, you know, other than that, I mean, Toronto's just like great. You know I used to like, and I think I've spoken about this so much, how, um, the biggest thing for me in Toronto, or one of the biggest things was the ability to just walk, you know. Just take a walk, or whatever, you can do that here. So just the ability to actually go out and take your phone out without the fear of like, getting mugged, and recording a sound, you know. Because like the possibilities just like shrink so much. So yeah, I think those kind of technical aspects I miss more. Was just like, you know, the ability to do that, to have the time and the luxury to do that and feel safe to do that is something that is missing now in my life.

Braeden

Are there, has there been a moment that you can think of, like, either recently, or in the past few years where like, you've heard a particular sound and you're like, completely transported somewhere else?

Sabahat

Example that came to me is kind of weird, but I'll say it. So there was this one very trashy Bollywood song that I heard the first time when I was in Toronto, because like my SoundCloud playlist would go on, and it would just like put in random songs. And I heard that for the first time and I was this is a very trash song. And so I think in my head, it became associated with a certain kind of place, and that place for me became - so I used to live at Grad House and there was a Second Cup right next to it, like it was a grad room and I used to sit there and work. Um, and I remember the first time accidentally actually, um, when I like, when I came back and that song came on, it was just so like, my entire body just was just like I'm - What's happening? you know. And I think in Toronto, actually, the first time I went to a Iqbal supermarket, which was like this Pakistani grocery shop like you get all like the masalas and like all our local biscuits and everything. The first time I went there, firstly, like the visual was like, Oh my god. And there's this really popular supermarket Karachi called garage called Imtiaz Supermarket. And I was like, you know, my first thought was, Oh my God, like I'm there. And then with sound, it was so weird, because after months and months of listening to like, mostly English. Um, you know, literally everyone there was talking Urdu or Hindi. And it was just like this weird thing where it's just like, I like it. It almost felt like, Wait, are you talking to me? Because like, I feel like I'm the only one but like, everyone was talking in Urdu with each other and it was so, that also kind of transported me back.

Nermeen

Yeah, that's so interesting. I was thinking like, I definitely think like for me as well, I think moving and the like, not so much necessarily like with languages or the just in general sound, but I think like very specific, like talking to people on the phone or even like - because a lot of my friends and a lot of my family's back in Canada. And so like whenever I get like voice notes from them, and I'll sometimes be listening to voice notes like on my way to work or like in the middle of the afternoon and there's something very like jarring about being somewhere so far away and like having this voice that pulls you back to this other place and like this other time. So I think just like familiar voices does that. But recently, my brother is a huge fan of like old songs. And he's really good at finding like these weird specific songs from like TV shows that we used to watch when we were little kids, I don't know, like, where, how he finds it. But when we were both super young, we used to love this Scooby Doo movie called The Monster of Mexico. And there was like this one particular scene that like really sticks out in my memory. This was like, literally from when I was, I think like six years old, where they're like on this crazy chase in Mexico, and there's like a, there's a song playing. And so he found that song, we were like driving to go get coffee or something. And he just like put it on. And it was so insane. Like, I literally felt like I was six years old. Like I could picture the exact scene and I was sitting back in like the old apartment, like on the purple mattress. And I was just like, it's so crazy that like you can do this with songs. Like I would never, I think have identified it on my own. Like, I wouldn't have been able to look for it. But as soon as he played it, it was like I was right back there. So yeah, that was like an interesting like a weird, like out of body experience.

Braeden

Another theme I want to focus on this show is not only sound but also space. And Sabahat and I talked a bit about this last week, but I wonder Nermeen if you would share just maybe, what was it like sort of the, your first time going into that room and meeting in that space? And then how did that sort of change over time?

Nermeen

Yeah, for sure. So it's so interesting, because I think my first memory of the West Meeting Room is that I couldn't find it. And I was looking just like, Hart House is like notoriously hard to navigate. Like, I'm a person with a horrible sense of direction. And somebody told me like I remember the meeting was up in there. And I think like, I was kind of like working with Day and then she was like just jump into the podcast conversation. Like it's totally casual. Because I was interest in podcasting. And then I was like, firstly, I can't find this room. I'm going to be late to this meeting. Like I was very, very nervous coming into that situation. And then like kind of walking up and going through Hart House and like not just navigating that like upper space, it almost feels like you're going into an attic, which in and of itself is like a very cool experience. Like it feels like you're going somewhere a little like, like you said, it's like this forbidden, like almost musky space. And then the West Meeting Room but like in contrast to that is actually like very bright and airy. And so like, as soon as I walked in, I kind of felt like a sense of ease. But the first time that I ever went in there, I think there was like 10 of us crammed into that space, which is like not a space for 10 people. And there was like a lack of chairs and like people's bags. And it was cool. But I think like it was nice, because like I definitely was again, like kind of intimidated going into that space and feeling like, I mean, I definitely feel this way a lot where I was sort of like, Oh, I'm kind of intruding on like another space and like, you know, I'm like an extra person in here. And it's already so tight. And like I'm just taking up space basically. But I think like right away, like just the general friendliness of everybody, like put me so much at ease. And then like, over time, the West meeting room became like a place where there genuinely was such an emphasis on like exploration and experimentation. And like just play that I think I like really began to look forward to it. And I also loved kind of like escaping out of my daily routine of summer courses. And I was moving apartments at that time. And just like going up into this space where you can just kind of like leave all of that stuff and just be in this like nice bright like room with like people who you enjoy talking to and like just kind of playing around with audio, which is kind of scary anyway. Of like recording yourself and then listening back to it, which is horrifying. So yeah, that space became like really a kind of sacred space in a way. And I think like at a time where, like, I was definitely looking for that space because I was leaving the city and like I had already moved and I was sort of like sleeping on couches and stuff and like half my stuff was there, half of it wasn't, that sort of became a space where I was like, Oh, I feel like there is a place for me here. Um, so yeah, that was kind of my experience with it.

Braeden

We bore witness to all of our growth and learning and then one of the most special, or just a memory that I treasure, is when Meena came to join us and meet you all, from caretaking, and how Yeah, it was just so special because, you know, she's very, she came to drop off something for my daughter and she, you know could be quite shy and for you and Saba and Nermeen to just like welcome her and have this moment where you each shared parts of your story with each other. And like I couldn't really understand but like we're all like crying together and hugging it, yeah, it just felt like it bridged community. Because like the the caretakers are often this like invisible labor force that people don't really see or appreciate and for her to be brought into a community with students so that you know, I think she saw you in the coming weeks after that and you were able to like greet each other and say hello. And it just felt like yeah, it just felt like more familial and friendly like just in this like tiny forgotten room in this like reclaimed space in the West Wing of the castle. It just felt like so warm and felt like home and kind of made the whole rest of the building feel a little friendlier.

Sabahat

You spoke about Meena and like, I cherish that so much because it was actually during the days when I was really, really missing my mother a lot, back in Pakistan. And Meena and I, she was from originally from India, and Hindi and Urdu, like our two languages are pretty similar, like we can understand each other completely. And so that, you know, first instant of recognizing that, you know, we speak the same language comfortably and started speaking in Urdu. And she said something like, after just like maybe like a few sentences of like, you know, me asking her How are you? And you know, which part of India are you from? And all of that, you know, she called me something, she said "meree betee", which means like my daughter. And she hugged me. And I think that was just like, I, it was just like so needed in that moment. For you know, there was this recognition that, you know, we, because when you meet someone from like a same or similar culture, there's like this instinctual understanding, you know. You understand their bodies, you know, you, there's this understanding that you know where I'm coming from. You know, and so when she hugged me and said, you know "meree betee, which means, you know, Oh my daughter, it was just like this, really nice, you know. So I'm really glad you brought that up. Because Yeah, that was, that's one of the most beautiful moments for me as well. Where I was, you know, cuz like, living in Toronto, you don't, I didn't get to speak my own language a lot anyway. And for that, like, beautiful thing to happen in that same room where it did feel very, very safe was just another, you know, beautiful thing. Yeah.

Braeden

Yeah. Oh, thank you for sharing. I'm crying thinking about it.

Sabahat

I'm like struggling to not cry right now. [laughter]

Braeden

Yeah. Laughing and crying all at the same time.

Sabahat

Yeah, That basically defines the West Meeting Room. Yeah.

Nermeen

Yeah.

Sabahat

Like she said though, there's always space for you in The West Meeting Room, you can leave everything behind. And, you know, and like, she said, you know, it was not a room for 10 people, but like, I just - I was just thinking, like, considering how small that room was, we partied. We had multiple food parties. We were always like getting samosas and like having parties in that room [laughter]. So yeah just feel like, you know, in that small space, like we all felt heard. And, you know, I remember this very uncomfortable moment, even after we've gotten acquainted and everything, when we were playing our moment of transformations for each other, that listening party. And I knew that, you know, and I wasn't having a very good day, and I recorded it like way in advance, and I was just like, okay, you know, hearing it back is probably going to trigger me. So, you know, I just whispered in Tony's ear, and I just, like, left the room. I was like, you know just call me when you're done. Um, but like, as soon as I left, I think after like a few minutes, I was like, I want to see how people are reacting, you know what I mean? Like, it's like, because in my head, I was like, Oh, everyone's probably cringing. And they're, like, you know - So I did come back in. And the response was just like, you know, it was like dead silence. And like, I saw a bunch of tears, and it was just like, you know when you're like, you're sharing something so, so, so personal. And for that to be received so like open heartedly, that was just, I think that could only have been done in the West Meeting Room. I think anywhere else would have been a very different experience. So I think that's what the room signifies. For me. It's just like, you know, you're heard. You have space there for everyone. Even though it's tiny. We're always gonna have samosas [laughter]

Braeden

Sabahat, Nermeen, Saba, thank you so much for joining me in conversation today and for all that you shared. A big thank you to Phoebe Wang, who generously sent over her piece titled, "Isn't it lovely?" for us to play on our show today. And thank you to Constellations, which is the sound art and experimental narrative collective that put together the Resonant Bodies exhibit last year. You can listen to all of the pieces featured at that exhibit and more, if you visit their website at constellationsaudio.com And most of all, thanks to you, our listeners. Thank you for joining us each week in The West Meeting Room to laugh and cry and learn from one another. We would love to hear from you. You can reach us @harthousestories on Instagram. Send us a message and let us know the ways you're connecting with community in these lonely times. Take care and we'll be with you next week.

#space #sound #hear #exhibit #people #connection #storytelling #memory #walking #listening #soundscape #urdu #language #community #safespace

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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996

This is originally an ask game that’s making the rounds here on Tumblr, but in this blog of course I answer everything. Quarantine Ask Game; questions by ghostly-nblm What’s your go-to snack? I haven’t really have one throughout this lockdown. I just snack on whatever’s available in our pantry - usually we have potato chips, salted egg chips, nuts, etc. And then sometimes my dad will whip up something for us himself, like wicked Oreos, churros, corndogs, and chocolate chip cookies. What’s a movie you could watch over and over? I could probably watch The Proposal everyday for the rest of my life and I doubt you’ll hear a complaint out of me. It’s just so funny, so lighthearted, and the entire cast meshes very well together. Favorite show to binge? Again when it comes to comfort shows/movies, I pick the lighthearted ones because they get me to relax and laugh a lot. That said, my favorite show to binge would be Friends. I recently started binge-watching it again and it feels good to come back to it after several months of not seeing an episode. 5 songs that make you want to dance? Shut Up And Dance - Walk the Moon Cinnamon - Hayley Williams Don’t Start Now - Dua Lipa Caught in the Middle - Paramore 7/11 - Beyoncé So, basically, Top 40 shit because it’s that genre that produces the most dance-y songs anyway. Pls don’t judge lmaaaaaao I like other artists I swear

5 songs that make you feel less lonely? I don’t know if I’ve ever turned to music to feel less lonely...I never really seek out that particular feeling. If anything, I listen to certain songs because I feel alone and I would want it to stay that way for the meantime.

Favorite meal to cook yourself? I always blank out at these cooking questions because I don’t know how to make anything, soz. When I start earning my own money I swear I’ll start experimenting with ingredients in the kitchen. You heard it here first. Seriously guys, when I finally get a stable income and you notice me spending it on unnecessary shit, feel free to nag me and tell me to start cooking!!! How do you “treat yourself”? With food. Food has always been my reward to myself after a long week, a hard exam, a bloody presentation, and basically after getting through something I had been dreading for a long time. Favorite thing to do when doing self care? Surveys. Who have you been talking to the most? My family, I guess. “The most” is really pushing it though; I don’t talk a lot these days and it’s been difficult for me to sustain a conversation and not drain my battery in the middle of it. One thing you really miss right now? The past. I normally don’t think about it, but if there’s something from the past that I do miss, I end up pining hard for it. If you could be self-isolated with anyone who would it be? Angela. We haven’t seen one another in seven months so we could definitely do with spending seven months together lmao. We miss the shit out of each other. Do you have any pets? Yes :) Small update on my dogs: so for the last four months Kimi has hated having Cooper around and snarls every time he senses he’s nearby. But, and we have no clue what changed, now he has started humping Cooper and wants to be near him all the time...ugh. Favorite video games? At the early early phase of the lockdown I played Mario Kart 8 on the Switch all day long. Then for some reason I stopped and I haven’t played since like April. I haven’t played other video games. Favorite podcasts? Ear Biscuits. Andi has also started their own podcast and it debuted like a week ago; it looks extremely promising, but I’m super behind since I’ve deleted all my socials. I’ll catch up once I’m in the right state of mind and am feeling better enough to come back on my accounts. Favorite YouTubers? The main channels I watch are Good Mythical Morning and The Try Guys. But throughout the quarantine sooooooo many local celebrities have started their own vlog channels and majority of them are super fun to watch. My faves would be Andi Manzano’s, Manny Pacquiao’s daughter Mary’s, and Bea Alonzo’s. Wake up time? These days I try to be out of bed by 8:30 so I can sufficiently prepare and clean up for work, but early on in the lockdown I liked staying up all night and then waking up at like 9 or 10 AM. Sleep time? Anywhere from 10 PM to 1 AM. If you could go anywhere right now where would it be? I’d be in Sagada, vacationing by myself and doing some hiking, spelunking, reflecting, and soul-searching. I wish I can go back there someday; I just reallllly need to be out of the house and out of the city for a while.

What’s a change you want to keep when self isolation is over? There is nothing I wish to keep from this quarantine. It turned my entire life around and I wish I had all the things I had before it instead. Have you learned something? Yeah. Some of them the hard way. Any new skills? I took up a course on marketing last month so that was a lot of fun. Hobby-wise, I’ve been thinking of getting into cross-stitching so I can’t wait to buy my own kit and start with that. I’m also learning a lot of new and super helpful skills at work, like coming up with PR tactics/executions, knowing what will work for a client and what wouldn’t, photo editing, etc. It’s been the best internship experience ever. What’s a hobby you’d like to start learning? ^ The latter. I’d also love to learn how to bake, and maybe? start a vlog because it’d be nice to have an outlet where I can express myself and do new things while sharing my experiences with other people. What’s something you’d like to get better at? I constantly want to improve at my job because perfectionism. What food do you wish you had right now? Coffee shop pastries. :( God I haven’t had one of those in a while; I miss them loads. Your go to quarantine outfit? I don’t have one but man, when I do go out I tend to overdress because I rarely get an opportunity or have a reason to drive out these days, so I allow myself to look cute and all dressed up even if I’m just meant to pick up food at my grandma’s or something. What have you done today? I’ve been taking this survey, taken a shower, cried for a half hour, played with Cooper, cradled Kimi like a baby, checked my emails, and taken a few sips of coffee. Any plans for tomorrow? Work work work. What’s on your “to watch” list? The second volume of Unsolved Mysteries is finally out on Netflix so I’m hoping I get around to watching a few episodes soon. Any musicians/bands you’ve discovered? Most recent one was Chase Atlantic but I discovered them like back in July. Since I’m not listening to a lot of music these days, I’m not expecting to find new bands or singers to get into any time soon. Post a selfie right now!! Eh. Post pictures of your pets! I don’t feel like raking through my photos this morning. Maybe some other time. When was the last time you drank water? Last night at dinner. When was the last time you ate? Last night. When was the last time you got up and stretched? I can’t remember when I last did that. I usually stretch in bed, though.

Favorite song right now? This has been asked on every damn survey recently. I’m sure you’ll find my answer within the first page of my blog. Favorite social media to scroll through? It used to be Twitter until the lockdown hit and everyone stopped going out and having interesting updates. Before I deactivated everything, I loved spending time on Facebook. What’s the last thing you ate? A slice of pizza. What’s the weather like where you are? It’s a little cloudy and cold. I’m expecting it to rain today. Have you been playing animal crossing? No, but I know so many people who have been. How are you feeling? 50% meh, 50% just going through the motions. Who’s the last person you texted? Ate Alyanna. We’re both going through rough patches at the moment so we were cheering one another up. I needed that positivity a lot this morning and I’m glad we had that interaction. What does your last text message say with no context? ”Waaaaaaaa cute” Post a meme that made you laugh recently:

Outdoor activity you’d like to do right now? Hiking, mountain climbing, camping. Anything that’ll help me get disconnected from the world for a few days, really. Something you’re looking forward to when quarantine is over? Doing all those ^, traveling, being able to actually go to a workplace (once I have one), seeing my friends, going to bars again. Someone you’d like to see when quarantine is over? Everybody, man. I don’t give a shit as to who it is. Any new games coming out you want to play? Not really. I’m just waiting on GTA 6 even though there’s been like 0 updates on that front. New shows you’ve discovered? I revisited The Crown, but that’s it. I haven’t discovered anything new. Most comfortable piece of clothing you have? I find all of them comfortable; that’s why I wear them at home haha.

#survey #surveys

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zeph4a · 5 years

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Monsta X Reaction to Accidentally Confessing Their Feelings for You on Vlive

Thank you to the Anon that requested this one! I was super soft the ENTIRE time writing it. <3

I’m sorry for how long winded some are. I got really soft with this one

Shownu

You and Shownu had known each other for a while. He was a wonderful person. If anyone looked up caring in the dictionary, the only description would be Hyunwoo. You had grown very fond of his nurturing, respectful, laid back attitude that he always had around you and you noticed yourself blushing around him more and more. Every time he looked at you, your heart would skip beats.

The two of you had hung out with some friends a few times but always managed to sit next to each other which spiraled a huge series of rumors amongst Monbebe and all other Kpop fans. Its usually not a very good idea but you wouldn’t help but search “Shownu” on sites like Twitter and Tumblr. “Who is this woman hanging out with Nunu?” one Monbebe had asked. You weren’t dating but for some reason your new friendship was already making headlines and you couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if you were to date. That would be answered fairly quick.

Hyunwoo was doing a post-concert Vlive with his member Hyungwon, when the question came into the chat asking if he was dating you. “Y/n? No, we are just friends, but they really are amazing. Whoever gets do date them will be the luckiest person ever.” Your heart was torn. Half because it hurt to hear him say no you weren’t together and half because he had spoken so highly of you. You were brought back to the stream from your mental malfunction by Hyungwon’s playful voice. “YA! Don’t talk like that, Monbebe will be jealous and think you lovestruck!” he laughed. You nodded your head but immediately froze solid when you heard Hyunwoo’s reply.

“I am”

You weren’t the only one that froze. Hyungwon looked at him like he had swore on Vlive. It wasn’t until Hyunwoo looked at him that he realized that he DID NOT say that in his head like he though.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I said that out loud didn’t I?” He wasn’t even going to try to play it off. “Okay, so yeah I have a big crush on Y/N. We’ve been hanging out a lot lately and they’re pretty awesome. I think you’d like them a lot, Monbebe!” His face was beet red and you knew yours was too. Who’s wouldn’t be? After the slip up he pretended to not see the massive amount of spam coming in from Monbebe about you, because it was all a little overwhelming.

An hour later the Vlive ended. You wait a few minutes for him to get settled and gave him a call.

“Hello?”

“Hey how’d the Vlive go?”

“Oh, it was great we had a lot of Monbebe showing us so much love!”

“Uh hu, I heard.”

“……Wait. What did you here?”

“Oh nothing, but just so you know, you’re adorable when your flushered.”

“………………………………………You watched it didn’t you”

“Of course I did. I always watch your streams. I have to show my support”

“Thank you! So uh.. Would you like to go on a date with me?” He asked in such a small shy voice that your heart nearly gave out.”

“Of course I would.”

Wonho

Hoseok was a picture-perfect, boyfriend material man and you just so happened to be seeing him. He was always so thoughtful and respectful when it came to you and loved to spoil you.You two had been talking for a while but never said the statement that you wanted to hear. It was too soon and you knew that but you really did love him even if it was such a short time to see someone. Starship knew and while they didn’t care for it, they respected his wishes. The main reason he hadn’t asked you to be his G/b/f was because he had stated at the beginning of his career that he didn’t really see himself getting married and he didn’t want his fans to reject you because of that.

The two of you had just finished a wonderful late-night date where he took you to your favorite restaurant. He walked you to your door and kissed you goodnight then headed home to get some rest. While you were washing off your face you got a notification from Vlive saying Minhyuk had gone live on the Monsta X account. You opened it up to see him chilling in the living room, casually talking to the thousands of Monbebe’s watching the stream. You could hear someone moving in the background and heard Min laugh and ask if the person wanted to join, which followed with a “sure.” The deeper sleepy voice on the other side of the camera was Hoseok. He asked if they could do the live in his room because he wanted to lay down on his bed and Minhyuk covered the camera and followed him there.

Hoseok was too sleepy to notice that he didn’t move the picture on his nightstand. It was a picture of you and him during the date where he had taken you to the beach at night. The two of you had laughed until you cried and it was when you realized you loved him. It was a sweet memory, but one that Monbebe didn’t know about. You didn’t even know he had printed that picture off! The boys started talking and goofing off but it didn’t take long for questions to start popping up in the chat that mad Hoseok go red.

“’Wonho who is the girl in the picture with you?’ What picture are you………Oh that picture?!” He pointed at it. You could tell he was panicking just a little bit but he held it together like a champ. “Monbebe, I have a confession to make. I have an amazing person by my side that I have been seeing for a short while now. They truly make me happy and that’s why this picture is here. Every night I go to bed I look at it and think of how lucky of a man I am. I have them and I have you. Please don’t think that I love Monbebe any less! Truthfully I was worried about how you would feel, so I’ve tried to hide my feelings, even though I know I haven’t done a good job with that. And please treat them with respect too!” Those last to statements his face showed a lot of worry, which was a shared feeling for you too.

More comments came through and Hoseok perked up. Almost all of the comments were well wishes and screams for him to ask you out, mixed with the occasional “AHHHHHHH OUR BUFF BUNNY FOUND LOVEEEEEEEE, <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3.” The two of you were breathing just a little easier.

After his Vlive with Minhyuk ended he called you like he does every night and was talking like an excited toddler.

“DID YOU WATCH THE VLIVE?! DID YOU SEE HOW HAPPY MONBEBE WERE?! I Don’t know why I was so worried. I really do have the most wonderful fans. I wonder if they want pictures of us? I could share the one of us at the movies the other day! You looked gorgeous!”

“Hoho you aren’t going to be able to sleep tonight, are you?” you laughed.

“Probably not, I’m just so happy! I’m so thankful my little goof didn’t backfire on us. I’m on my way to your house!”

“Hoseok its 3 in the morning!”

“Yeah, but how lame would it be to asked you to be mine over the phone!”

The next morning you woke up to Starship making an official announcement and about 20,000 more followers on Instagram. There was also a text from Hoseok who was already at practice.

“Good morning beautiful. Have an amazing day today and I can’t wait to see you tonight! Text when you can! I love you :)“

Minhyuk

You knew Minhyuk from your childhood. He was one of your best friends that you had known since you were little and had lived right down the road from one another. Even though the two of you didn’t get to hang out much since he became an idol, you were always texting and talking on the phone, with the occasional hang out session happening between comebacks.

You also had a secret he didn’t know about. You were absolutely infatuated with him. The time that you had known each other had turned into a love story for you, where you wished you could tell him how you felt but you also didn’t want your friendship to change after you confessed. So, you kept this secret to yourself.

Minhyuk was in the United States on their “We Are Here” world tour and decided to do a live stream with his teammate, Changkyun. You had just woken up and were getting ready to head to work when you got the notification, so you decided to listen to the stream in the car like it was a podcast. You couldn’t help but laugh at their antics a wish that it was you with Min instead of I.M.

You were just getting onto the highway when a Monbebe asked the boys if they thought they would ever date while they were Idols. Changkyun said he didn’t know and really didn’t think about it too much because he didn’t have anyone that caught his eye just yet, besides Monbebe. You thought you were going to run off the road when Minhyuk gave his response.

“I’d date my best friend, y/n.”

You weren’t totally convinced it was a confession and not a sweet sentiment that was meant to find you a b/g/f, since that was definitely something Min would do. However, Changkyun made it very clear what Minhyuk was trying to say.

“Yeah you’ve had a crush on them for a while.” He commented. “YA! Don’t call me out like that” Minhyuk laughed. “Monbebe don’t need to know that, and I’m now hoping that y/n isn’t watching. I didn’t mean to say that! We’ve known each other since we were about 8 years old.” Oh boy, were you watching. You had just pulled up to work and just sat in your car, mouth wide open. One Monbebe asked why Minhyuk hadn’t asked you out and he stated the exact same feeling of he didn’t want to lose you as a friend because he didn’t think you felt the same.

You open up your text messages and send a quick “I do feel like that, though” and then reopened Vlive to see if he would get the message on Vlive. His phone vibrated and he pulled it out and read what you had sent. Slowly a huge sunshiney grin spread across his face and he showed the message to Changkyun, who let out a massive “I TOLD YOU SO,” making Minhyuk laugh.

You were completely late to work and it didn’t even matter to you, but loosing your job may not be a good idea. You tuned off the Vlive and sent him a quick “I’ll text you on my break” message, which got an even quicker, “Don’t text, call me when you can.”

Work was going so slow for you but when that first 15-minute break came around, you ran outside and his Minhyuk’s contact. It conversation was a little awkward at first but after a few minutes the two of you were talking and joking. He told you that when he got home, he was taking you out immediately and you told him that you couldn’t wait. Once your break was over you told him to get some sleep and to call you when he wakes up.

He held true to his word when he got home a month later, and your new relationship with his was everything you could had ever imagined.

Kihyun

A lot of famous Korean Idols and Actors had recently started dating and Dispatch was on High Alert. You knew that you and your new love interest Kihyun had to be careful since you hadn’t been together that long and hadn’t really had the talk about how serious of a relationship yours was. You had been on a couple of dates but hadn’t talked about how you felt about each other or if you wanted to take the next step and add labels to each other. You knew that you were head over heels for him but weren’t totally sure where he stood. He was a total sweetheart and was affectionate but past experiences had you guessing if he felt the same way for you that you felt for him.

He was doing a Vlive after practice and you were trying to clean your house and decided to tune in to show some support. You set your phone up to the side and began cleaning the counters in your kitchen. He started talking about some exciting stuff for the group and you knew that it was a matter of time before he spilled some details that shouldn’t be spilled. You sent him a text reminding him to watch what he says so not to get in trouble and then when back to cleaning.

“Yes, my love.”

You froze. He froze. Your cat froze. The lady next door froze. Everything froze.

He sat there for a second with his eyes wide and hands over his mouth. Monbebe were all over it asking who his love was. Not only did he accidentally reveled that he had a love interest, but he reveled that he did have feelings for you.

You stood in the living room counter cleaner in your hand with the goofiest grin on your face. He immediately tried to cover up what he had said but it was no use. Monbebe were smarter than that.

“Okay Monbebe. Yes, I have been seeing someone. They’re amazing and I’m truly lucky to have them. They’re watching too and reminded me to not leak anything that could get me in trouble.” He laughed. “I really care for them a lot and I hope that we can continue to see each other and be something more.”

Monbebe in chat got super soft. Chat was filled with “aww” and “I’m so Happy for you Kihyun.” Many asked when he was going to introduce you to them like they were family, which you loved because you knew that Monbebe meant so much to him. He explained that you weren’t an official relationship but not to worry because he had plans for that, and that was the only information he was going to leak, with a light hearted laugh.

You waited until he finished his stream and sent him a text telling him that he was just a tiny adorable little thing. He respond that 1. He was taller than you, 2. He is a member of Monsta X so he cant be THAT cute, and 3. He was on his way over to hang out. When he got there you both talked about where you were standing and if there should be a commitment. Needless to say the name his name in your phone was <3 Boyfriend <3 by the end of the night. Before he left he took a cute picture of the two of you and posted to fancafe for Monbebe to see.

“Monbebe meet y/n, my amazing g/b/f. At least I leaked it before Dispatch did haha!”

Hyungwon

You were hanging out with your friend Hyungwon. You were just finishing up a dance session the two of you were having since he was planning a video for Monbebe to show off some of his dance moves. You two had known each other for a while, having attended the same dance school in Gwangju. You were sad when he he moved to Seoul to follow his dream, but you came to visit as much as possible. Eventually you moved their as well and when he was wanting to come up with little dance routines for Monbebe you were always there helping and showing support. You were about to head home when he decided he was going to do a short Vlive and talk to some fans.

He was sitting on the floor of the studio in Starship’s building, talking to some fans when you were heading out the door. He looked so happy to be talking and joking around with them, that it warmed your heart. You always had a soft spot for him. You were two peas in a pod. You could talk about anything, and the best time when the two of you were just hanging out, watching movies lazily on the couch. It usually ended up in nap time but hey you were both very busy and naps were fun, right? Truth be told, you had grown a little more than fond of Hyungwon. You really liked him. You were jealous of the makeup artists and staff that always got to be with him, and occasionally flirted with him. You wished you could tell him how you felt but this friendship meant too much to you to try to ruin like that. You would much rather have him as a friend than not at all, or have the friendship just be awkward from rejection.

You had gathered your stuff quietly and was getting ready to leave when started waving and saying bye. You took this as you didn’t need to be quiet and told him bye and grabbed the door handle. Just before you walked out you heard Hyungwon very clearly say “I love you.” You stopped, smiled and looked over your shoulder thinking he was meaning it in a friendly way. You guys had said “love ya” before. His face was shocked, like he had slipped up. You were confused why he had that look on his face, but noticed the blush flashing across his cheeks. Was it possible he liked you too? You stepped back in the room and shut the door when he finally came too and started reading chat. “’ Who is the person you just told I love you too?’ Uh, well that’s my really good friend. They’re my partner in crime…..’That look says more than friend, are you holding out on us?’ I might be holding out on myself, Monbebe.” he laughed. You stood there with a grin on your face, listening to him try to explain himself to his fans for his slip up but he eventually gave up. “Okay fine, yes I have a thing for my friend, and yes they are standing about 20 feet away from me staring at me, as I wish I could go crawl under a rock in embarrassment.” He laughed again. “I think I’m going to call it for the night before I leak something insanely important. Goodnight, Monbebe, I love you all so much.” He waved and ended it, sighing and setting the camera down.

He looked looked at you with a smile and a lighthearted “oops.” You just smiled back and shook your head. “Ya know, I wouldn’t have batted an eye if you wouldn’t have freaked out.” You responded. “Well I just confessed my feelings to my best friend, unintentionally, in front of THOUSANDS.” You could tell that last part made him a little nervous, but it had happened and Hyungwon always handled everything with grace.

“Well, if it means anything to you, I love you too Hyungwon.” Your face was hot and you knew it had to be redder than his.

He stood up and made his way too you, adorable smile on his face. “Well, its still somewhat early. Would you like to go on a date with me?”

“I’d love to.” You both smiled and he shortened the distance between the two of you giving you a big hug and planted a soft kiss on the top of your head.

Hand in hand you both left the build. “Guess we don’t have to worry about the media leaking us. I did it for them.” He laughed. In that moment you knew this is exactly what happiness was.

Jooheon

*I just really love this gif yall.*

Last night was awesome. You had gone on a date with a friend that you had known for a while, or at least you assumed it was a date, considering the blushing on both ends. You two had gone to the movies to see a scary movie and then to dinner. Jooheon was a total baby the entire movie, but it was his idea. You thought it probably picked the movie because he wanted to seem all tough, but everyone who knew Jooheon knew that he was the opposite.

The next morning you had gotten woke up by your phone notification going off twice. One from the Monsta X twitter and the other from the Monsta X Vlive account, both announcing one or more of the boys had gone online for a stream. When Jooheon made it to the end of No Mercy and joined Monsta X, you immediately followed their social media pages to show support for your friend and keep up with him.

You rolled over and opened the app and where greeted by a sleepy Changkyun in a red hoodie talking with the fans. He was talking and being a flirtatious maknae making the Monbebe go crazy. You laid your phone on the bed and closed your eyes but kept the stream open. Right as you were about to fall back asleep you were jolted awake by Jooheon’s voice as he walked into the room.

“Changkyun-ah! You should have been there last night. I had such a good time, I think y/n might be the one.” I.M’s eyes got huge and he shook his head “no” as he looked over at his Hyung. You were wide awake now, palm pressed to your cheek, staring at your phone.

“What’s wrong?”

“Uh… I’m on vlive.”

There was a thick silence for a little bit, that was only broken by Changkyun chuckling and a door to one of the rooms shutting. You assumed Jooheon had mouthed a few explicit words and ran away. The image of what happened on the other side of the phone made you giggle.

Changkyun tried to cover for his best friend and buffer some of the questions that Monbebe had pouring in, without giving away too much because he felt it wasn’t his place to do. “Now what am I suppose to do Monbebe. Now theres a third wheel to Jookyun... I guess we just need to date huh?” he flirted.

A few seconds later, you received a text message from Jooheon.

“Good morning, are you awake.”

“Just got up a little bit ago, what’s up”

“Nothing just got home, wanted to see what’s up and if you wanted to hang out again tonight?”

“Of course! Let me just end Changkyuns Vlive.” The messages stopped for a few minutes and you worried that you had given him a panic attack making a joke that you knew how he felt.

“You were watching, huh?”

“I was and don’t worry I feel the same way <3”

“You do??”

“Well, duh I wouldn’t have said yes to going out again tonight if I didn’t lol!”

“Pick you up at 8?”

“Can’t wait <3”

I.M

You met Changkyun while doing an internship with Starship during their comeback for the “Beautiful” era. You both had so much fun playing Overwatch together and listening to music that it became a regular event during his free time that he had when he wasn’t working on new songs. You weren’t even going to lie and say that you didn’t have feelings for him, you did and you knew it. The problem was you were trying to get your internship that you had done to be a real job with Starship, and you didn’t want to make your friendship awkward if you were to succeed and get the job.

He was hanging out in a hotel room with his fellow Monsta X member, Wonho, and talking on a Vlive stream with Monbebe. You had flown to see the show and were hanging out in the background while they finished it up. You need to grab something from your hotel room, so you motioned that you were leaving and walked out. What you didn’t see or here was Changkyun staring you out the room lovingly. When the door closed, he said “gah, y/n’s so perfect” under his breath. He thought nobody had heard but Hoseok did and so did the camera that was just close enough to pick up everything.

He realized that everyone had heard when the questions started appearing in the chat. “Who is y/n?” “Are you two dating?” “Did our wolf find the one?” While Changkyun was nervous to answer any of the questions he felt honestly was the best option. “y/n is one of my friends. They’re an intern with Starship and pretty much me in a much more attractive form. I’m honestly nervous to tell them how I feel” he laughed. Wonho had completely broken. He was sitting there in awe and the maknae’s courage to speak on his slip up. When you re-emerged in the room all mention of what had happened stopped. You could feel something had happened and looked at the two boys with a confused face, but nobody said a word towards what was wrong for the rest of the night. You had thought maybe you should go back and see what was said but Starship was taking forever to put the video back up in a vod.”

It didn’t take long though. The next morning, you woke up to dozens of direct messages on Twitter from people you didn’t know but knew from the titles on their pages that they were Monbebe. They had worked through the night to find you and send you a video clip from the stream. You watched him say that you were perfect at least a hundred times with butterflies in your chest. You were nervous about whether you should let Kyun know that you knew, but eventually you gained the mindset to go for it. You walked to breakfast where you found him at a table with Wonho and another member named Jooheon. They were casually joking and eating their food. The second Wonho noticed you, you saw him punch Jooheon and nod to you, symbolizing to you that he had spilled the beans to Jooheon.

Kyun turned and smiled with a blush coming across his face. He pulled the chair out for you and asked how you were that morning. After sharing a few pleasantries, he didn’t even try to hind the Vlive anymore. “So Monbebe spilled into your messages, didn’t they?” You were taken back by the fact that he wasn’t going to hide it but smiled and nodded. Wonho and Jooheon scooted closer to each other and waited for the next response.

“Everything I said was the truth. I’m so lucky to have you in my life, you really are amazing. I’ve never met someone so much like me and I’ve fallen for you so hard. I understand if you don’t feel the same, but I needed to get it off my chest, and don’t worry. I’ve already talked to my boss. They’re already planning on giving you the job, and even if we were to get together that wouldn’t change. You’re an incredible worker and they don’t want to lose you, but neither do I. So, if you don’t feel the same I’ll understand but can’t we please still be friends.”

Wonho and Jooheon were practically leaning over the table waiting on your answer.

“Kyun, I’ve been so into you for such a long time.” You smiled sweetly and got up from your chair giving the maknae a huge hug, burying your face into his chest. You could physically feel his sigh of relief.

“You have no idea how happy I am right now” he said as Wonho and Jooheon sprung up, hand in hand dancing and scream their excitement that you two had started your new blooming relationship.

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05/16/2020 DAB Transcript

1 Samuel 18:5-19:24, John 8:31-59, Psalms 112:1-10, Proverbs 15:12-14

Today is the 16th day of May welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it is wonderful to be here with you today. It is a joy as we close down another of our weeks together to take the next step forward in the Scriptures. And I was saying it yesterday, what a week it's been, because…especially in the Old Testament, through the book of first Samuel just all of…all of the drama of a monarchy coming to Israel, a new era in Israel and just kind of learning about the first King, Saul and seeing him…ourselves in him in so many ways and then this emergence of David, who has killed a giant named Goliath. That was in yesterday's reading and that's kind of where we left things. So, we’re about to begin to see the repercussions of that as we move forward through today. So, we’re reading from the New International Version this week, which is today. First Samuel chapter 18 verse 5 through 19 verse 24.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word. We thank You for bringing us into and through the center of another month marked day by day by day with the counsel of Your word in our lives. We thank You for that. We thank You for each other. We thank You for community when communities been a lot more difficult to achieve in the last little spell of our lives here on earth. We thank You God for allowing us to just continue forward being together around the Global Campfire. We are grateful and You continue to speak into our lives through Your word. No matter what's going on in the world You are still speaking and transforming us, and we are grateful. And we ask that You continue this work of sanctification, setting us apart, making us holy and our part in that is to continually be in an attitude of repentance, one in which we are willing to change our minds and moving in a new direction and we thank You for the ability to do that. So, come Holy Spirit as we end another week, we invite You completely into every aspect of our lives. We surrender our rights. We surrender our wrongs to You. Come Jesus we pray in Your mighty name, we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website and its home base, where you find what's happening here in…in…in the Community. So, be aware of that.

Be aware of the Community section. That's where the Prayer Wall is. maybe it's not…maybe you just need to reach out in prayer. Maybe there's nothing going on right now that you need prayer for but you know that that life has its way of bringing things along that you need to not carry alone and so maybe its your turn to reach out in prayer and…and help shoulder burdens. You…there's never a shortage at the Prayer Wall. So, you can always…always do that. And maybe you are in need of prayer and this is a place to reach out. So, be aware of that. That's in the Community Section.

And, also in the Community section are the different links to the different social media channels that we…we are on. So, be aware, stay connected.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There's a link on the homepage. Thank you, thank you profoundly. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address, if you prefer, is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement you can hit the Hotline button in the app, which is the little red button up at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi, this is Vickie from Arizona and I am calling because I listened to the podcast earlier and I heard Running Desperately to Jesus and she now has custody of her 13-year-old grandson and she’s finding it challenging. And my prayer is that God would just completely overshadow you, overtake you and that you would not be overwhelmed but you would be overjoyed, and you would see that there’s an opportunity. And I know that it can be really, really tough. She…you had said that you’ve been living alone but I just know that God has intervened in this boy’s life and you are his hope and you are a chance. And I pray that God would just give you the grace and the strength that you need to make a difference and whatever time you have with him that you would just…just stay prayed up and know that God has given you this as a gift and that you’re leaving a legacy and I just pray that God would just completely just show you what to do on a day-to-day minute by minute basis. So, I just want you to know that you’ve been on my heart and I’m believing for a miracle with your name on it and your grandson’s name on it. And I pray for all of us that have to go through things that are not fun and not comfortable. I’ve been without my son and my husband for over two years. Actually, Friday will be the two-year mark for my husband’s passing and I’m actually coveting your prayers on May 15th. Just, you know, a day of remembering. And that I am praying for God to bring more people in my life. He said he puts the lonely in friends and that us what I’m praying for, that God would put me in a family and I wouldn’t be lonely in Jesus’ name I’m praying and I ask you to agree with me for that prayer request. Thank you all, I love you, God bless you, have a great day.

Hello this is Terry from Toledo and I was just listening to the May 12th podcast and I heard the lady whose husband is in hospice. My heart goes out to you. When my father was dying, they gave us a little book from hospice and the first part of it said, “dying is the sacred rite of passage.” That has stuck with me through the whole thing. He died in 2013 and it still sticks with me. It’s a sacred rite of passage. And we are…we have the privilege and honor of helping them transition from this life to the next. So, I hope that helps you. And for the other lady that called today about her son, Father God we just pray right now for the children. We ask right now Lord that You just come and touch them in a special way today. Help them know Your presence, help them know that You love them and that You care for them. And help us moms and grandmom’s, the prayer warriors of the family not give up hope. Keep pressing in and keep believing that You will work all things together for good and that if we train up a child in the way that he should go he will not depart from it. Thank You, Lord in Jesus’ name we pray. Bless you Brian, Jill. Bless you China and Ben and bless you all Daily Audio Bible. I love you. Bye.

Bonjour this is Cindy the flute player. Pray with me please. Dear Father thank You for a praying community and thank You Father for those that prayed specifically for me. Thank You for a community that loves You word, that loves people. We’re willing to stand in the gap for each other. Thank You that even though my own church doesn’t know me, thank You that Daily Audio Bible really knows me. Thank You for Your kindness to each of us. Thank You for every blessing. Thank You for the woodshed experience. Father whatever it is that You want to cleanse so badly, do it, take out what grieves You but in the process will You strengthen my heart, my resolve to live well, my desire to keep reaching out, will You hear my heart that in all that I have ever wanted is for people to love You, to be reconciled to each other, that the things that have been stolen will be returned, that the people that had been stolen will be returned. I submit my emotions to You, and I commit to seeing life through Your eyes, Your eternal eyes. I thank You that we can depend on Your word, Your heart, Your character. Thank You for the prayers of the lady from DAB that asked for someone to step up in the gap, stand in the gap for me. Thank You for Dawn, thank You for the interview on the phone yesterday. Thank You for Your word that says there’s repentance that can lead unto righteousness. Father by Your grace, by Your spirit, bring true repentance over my reservation, over my family, over my country. It seems Father that You’re leading me to another spot on the earth to be with indigenous people that love You with all their heart. Thank You for the Father. Open that door if it is Your perfect and most pleasing will. I don’t want second-best or just good enough. So, I want to say one of my favorite parts about DAB, I love you…oops…this is Cindy I love you and I’ll meet you here tomorrow.

I know you’re probably feeling broken right now and hurting but I want to stop and give you some perspective. Clear your mind and picture yourself sitting in this moment in the darkness and in the pain, but someone comes up beside you, kneels on the floor to you and whispers in your ear, “beloved I hear your cries of your heart, I know the things that you are longing for, the things that you’re hoping for, the things that you have been seeking before. Trust me. I have a perfect plan. My timing may be different than what you are expecting but know that I am never late. Keep on seeking me and I will provide for you.” God is with you in this moment. Let Him into your brokenness and just seek Him. I love this community and I just want to know…or I just want to let you guys know that I am I’m praying for you. So, thank you.

Hello, DABbers this is Elisa Marie from Dinuba California today is May 13th and I’m calling on behalf of a sister that called in yesterday May 12th for her father who the doctors had given up on him and he’s dying. She’s in Mexico and waiting to fly to Korea to be with her father. I don’t think she gave her name, but my heart went out to her. So, I’m gonna say a prayer. But first of all, the Scripture that came to mind was Isaiah 38:4,5…38:4,5, and 6 where Hezekiah was given a word from the Lord that he was to…he was going to be dying soon from the illness that he had and then he turned his face to the wall and cried out to God for mercy and God granted him 15 more years. So, we’re gonna pray that God will grant your father 15 more years to live. Father I come to You Father God on behalf of my sister and in agreement with my sister and all who are playing for her that You would have mercy Father God, that You would send forth Your word and heal her Father from this illness that’s bringing destruction to his body. Your word says that You send forth Your word and You healed him, and You delivered his body from all destruction. So, we ask that by in Jesus’ stripes he is healed. We ask You for mercy Father God. We ask You to send someone to his bedside to deliver to him the word of salvation, the word of hope. And we ask for peace and comfort for the whole family Lord. Get our sister to Korea safe and sound Father God where she will be able to speak with her dad Father God. We ask these things in the mighty name of Jesus. Thank you, father. Love you DABbers. Have a great day.

Well good morning Daily Audio Bible family. I was listening to May the 12th as I’m catching up and our Korean sister was praying for her dad as he is losing his grasp and his grip on life. And they’ve been encouraged to say their goodbyes. This is Sandra from Centennial Colorado and I am just wanting to pray for you my sister. Heavenly father you can see both this dear woman and her father at the same time right now and I pray that in the name of Jesus you place your hand over both of them and allow nothing that is apart from your plan to enter into their experience. Oh, heavenly Father we need You so desperately. Thank You so much for coming to this place, for invading this world of pain. Thank You so much for taking things that were intended to be evil for us and turning them into things that bring glory to You and relief to us. I pray that, as Victoria Soldier says in the name of Jesus, I can’t say it as well as she does Lord but You know how much we both love it, in the name of Jesus You be with this dear sister and with her dear Father. Grant him years if it is Your will that he may serve You longer. Grant her courage to face whatever it is that You allow her to walk through with You at her side and we will be careful to thank You for it is in the name of Jesus that I pray. Amen.

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