#I'll Be Okay

[crabsnpersimmons]

"Slow down, Sunshine. You're not falling behind and you are loved for more than what you do for others."

[jaredwalkersam]

Walker finale | 4.13

[adastraetretro]

"Does it hurt?"

"I'll be okay."

"That isn't what I asked."

[theragnarokd]

Hey.

There's going to be good things that you can't even imagine right now.

Don't give up.

[theotherhappyplace]

I'm sick of being peppered with little purple agonies of failed attempts at needle jabs. And a constellation of cuts where they try to slice away the parts of me that are killing the other parts.

What's it like not to hurt.

I can't remember.

It always hurts. What does ease and comfort feel like. I feel like my escapes are chemical. Slipping into the pitch black for a moments reprieve. Slices of death in exchange for screaming. It's harder when sleep is elusive

I am getting better. But i have to fight so hard for "zero".

I'm always clawing my way out of my own grave bare handed. My fingernails breaking off, my mouth gasping desperately for air.

When is ease?

When is comfort?

[moonkissedgirl]

I'll be fine, I just need to be dramatic first.

[rimouskis]

man this sucks. also my whole head hurts. why is that a side effect of crying. UUUUUGH

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[do-you-know-this-queer-character]

I hope ur doing okay.. sorry for your loss :((

Thank you. Everyone has been very kind in the comments on that post, and I'm very grateful to have such a wonderful community around this blog.

[the-bad-batch-baroness]

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS

Please, don't reply to fics and give "suggestions" or "tips" to the author.

This isn't even constructive criticism.

This comment freaken hurts.

I slaved over this fic. I spent hours writing it and even more hours editing it, agonizing over word choice and scenes I'd never written before. The length alone says that.

THIS FIC WAS A LABOR OF LOVE.

NO, YOU MAY FREAKEN NOT.

Clearly, they liked it enough to leave five words saying so, but the rest of the comment is taken up by a "TIP" TO WRITE SOMETHING ELSE???

They sat there and read all 14k+ words (I would hope), and that's what they chose to comment about???

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER.

It's not like I have anything better to do than slam out massive fics at people's whims.

Brb, while I go sob in a corner and entertain the idea of never opening another Google doc again.

[ruski-san]

I ruined my own childhood.

[mayisgoingnuts]

Just watched old videos where I was just a silly happy child with no responsabilities. Not as good anymore lmao

I'll go draw JJD's young sis to get better,, if you guys want to or feel like it you can send questions about her since I plan focusing on her for a while!!

[helloaft0n]

Floor 2 people (in my style again)

Floor 1

Floor 2

Floor 3

F02-01

F02-02

F02-03

F02-04

Im getting less and less motivated to draw, but I swear I'll do my best for u guys

Love u guys 😘

[daydreamerwonderkid]

nightwing, save me. i'm not built for this shit.

[gray-soul]

[rozeliyawashereyall]

:(