#I'll never have a choice. not really. I fucked up my life permanently when I dropped out of school at 18 and tbh I wish I would've just bee

[martsonmars]

Thanks for the tags @monbons @hushed-chorus and @whatevertheweather. I'm back and it's pick a WIP Sunday!

I really want to get back into writing Snowbaz and participating actively in the fandom. I don't exactly have more free time but I did graduate and I am technically on holiday until October, so let's try.

So I'm sharing snippets from 6 WIPs and maybe I'll be inspired to finish one of them. Help me out!!!!

1. Where Baz is a different blood sucking creature than usual. Prince and the frog but the prince is just a guy and the frog is trying to steal your blood.

The heat would be more than sufficient to make Simon reconsider all of his life choices. Give up on meat. Never touch plastic again. He'd do anything.

But no, clearly whatever sin he's committed—was it writing Jesus/Judas fanfiction when he was 15? It wasn't even explicit!—was enough to condemn him to this.

2. Holiday with the Grimms, where Simon and Baz share a bed in the same room as Malcolm and Daphne.

“Sorry I haven't delivered to my father an updated list of all the cocks I've sucked.” He wasn't smiling, but I could hear the smirk in his voice. The fake smugness. I know he's sucked half a cock (half sucked one cock?) and it was quite a disaster. “He doesn't know how deeply my virtue has already been fucked.”

I still snort at the thought. (The answer is not deeply at all.)

3. TA Simon and Baz showing up to class in a slutty Blackbeard cosplay.

I don't need a complaint for assault (let alone sexual assault) to drive my doctorate even farther away from my grasp.

I just need Grimm-Pitch to leave my classroom and come back wearing proper trousers before my overworked brain cells decide to go on permanent strike. (I'm not sure they haven't deserted me already.)

More snippets and tags under the cut!

4. Where Baz is a dryad and Simon is a woodcutter.

Simon didn't know many things, but he was pretty sure that pines weren't pretty men with long dark hair and pouty lips. Of course, Simon had never seen a man with dark green skin before, either, but he resembled a man more than a pine.

“You are not a pine. You're a man,” Simon voiced his scepticism, and he was rewarded with one more pine cone hitting his forehead. If nothing, the tree man had an impeccable aim.

5. Secret concept for this one.

Tucked in a corner as if he was trying to make himself seem smaller, yet he's got my attention like the masterpiece in a museum. Even the dim light of the pizzeria is enough to imagine the shine of his bronze curls under the summer sun. He's pale and freckled, broad and solid. Sturdy like the old table in my living room. I can perfectly see how he'd fit there, between a stack of Spinoza's complete works and the cabinet where my grandmother's Capodimonte porcelain sits unused. His back to the floor-to-ceiling window that opens on the terrace, surrounded by the bright halo of the hours before sunset. Bright like a Michelangelo in a room that's all Caravaggio.

6. This one I'm going to continue for sure when inspiration strikes, so it's not part of pick a WIP Sunday. It's maybe guess the WIP Sunday in this case.

“Sounds like you could use a break,” his deep voice says from a corner of the hall, as if he's read my mind. I see a pair of long legs first—legs for miles—crossing the room towards me, wrapped in a pair of trousers so tight I can't help but wonder how he'll take them off. (Not that I'm thinking of Baz without trousers.) (I mean, I've seen him without trousers. He wears chitons most of the time.) (He also wears really short shorts.) (I just mean I'm not thinking about taking his trousers off.) (Just. I mean.)

Tags!! No pressure just saying hi because I miss you all!!!

@facewithoutheart @sillyunicorn @onepintobean @shrekgogurt @wellbelesbian @palimpsessed @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @forabeatofadrum @fatalfangirl @cutestkilla @ileadacharmedlife @bookish-bogwitch @artsyunderstudy @orange-peony @larkral @raenestee @stitchyqueer @technetiumai @brilla-brilla-estrellita @thewholelemon @theimpossibledemon @j-nipper-95 @imagineacoolusername @blackberrysummerblog @theearlgreymage @rimeswithpurple @messofthejess @alexalexinii @nightimedreamersworld @captain-aralias @jbrrring @prettygoododds @youarenevertooold @best--dress @theotherhufflepuff @run-for-chamo-miles @valeffelees @dragoneggos @gekkoinapeartree @ionlydrinkhotwater @erzbethluna @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @shemakesmeforget @basiltonbutliketheherb @otherpeoplesheartachept-2 @aristocratic-otter @noblecorgi

[sarucane]

Why didn't Izzy shoot Ed (then)?

Turns out that teasing out character logic is fun and people are interested so I'll just do it again ;)

Izzy has good reasons to shoot Ed here. Ed shot his leg and then outsourced the "kill Izzy" job to Frenchie. Now Izzy's a one-legged pirate, and as far as he's concerned his life isn't even worth living.

But Izzy is alive here. And he's alive because of what started when the crew intervened a few episodes back, told him he was in a toxic relationship with Blackbeard. The choices he made after that led to Ed shooting him, but also sowed the seed of a real bond between him and the crew, which led to him being alive here. Which--most importantly for answering this question--adds up to Izzy not being sure anymore that the old way is the right way.

Ed thinks Izzy will shoot him because there's rules to follow. Izzy told Ed "Blackbeard is my captain, not Edward. Edward better watch his fucking step." Well, Ed has come to the conclusion that he can't not be Edward. And he doesn't want to keep living torn between Blackbeard and Edward, alone and hopeless. He's desperate to let go, and is convinced the only thing "letting go" means is death, so he's setting out to make someone force him to let go.

And Izzy is the obvious choice of someone to make him let go, because Izzy does what Blackbeard tells him to.

But it's no longer that simple on this ship. It never has truly been that simple--Izzy was in denial about how human beings work when he demanded Ed just be Blackbeard again. And Izzy's changed, too.

Ed and Izzy are both caught between two ways of being in this scene. On the one hand, there's the pirate script, the Code of the Sea. Life is cheap, new first mates kill old first mates, first mates kill captains. Weakness is death. Roles are static and permanent, and the only "correct" change is death.

On the other hand, there's the Revenge script, where "life means something" and people "live for each other, not just to survive." Where deviations from the norm aren't just accepted, they're encouraged. Where people can be vulnerable and be supported, be weak and still worthy of life. Where people can change.

When Izzy refuses to shoot Ed, he is embodying that conflict. Izzy doesn't shoot Ed because he finds he really is done with the script. Because when it comes down to it, he may have threatened him--but he does not want to kill Ed.

But rather than risk or show the kind of vulnerability he did right before Ed shot him, Izzy frames this in the old narrative terms. He expresses contempt for Ed, that it's weakness that is making Ed come to Izzy for an assisted suicide. Izzy calls him "Eddie" as a way of diminishing him. He uses the kind of language he used back in S1E4, falling back on ideas like 'making a mess' that make sense to him, but invalidate the seriousness of what's happening here.

But at the same time, Izzy's actually setting his first healthy boundary in his relationship with Ed. Not "you need to do/act/etc," but "I will/will not do/act/etc." Izzy's spent years encouraging, feeding, and enabling this toxicity. He's not going to anymore. And he's not going to do it because he knows it's wrong--but he can't say that. Maybe doesn't even really know it.

It's a truly mad mix of growth and regression, and it's no wonder that Izzy falls back on the old script when he's alone and tries to shoot himself. And it's also no wonder that he fails, because he knows this is the wrong way to be. That both he and Ed deserve better.

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

My weekly roundup CW 20

I try to write down my thoughts after watching stuff to create a little weekly ranking in relation to the previous week on my, most of the times, quiet sundays (and because I love lists!). These are just my personal opinions and preferences.

And yes, this will contain spoilers!

The Promise is on hiatus this week. I guess it is because they wanted to end the series on WeTV and their Youtube channel on the same day.

→ 1. Love Mate (Ep 5+6)

Most adorable scene this week:

Ahhh, yes, I am obsessed with the series. I love them and don't want to miss them! Sunshine guy and Grumpy Guy are so precious. And grumpy guy is slowly becoming sunshine guy No 2. I love how happy he looks when he is with sunshine guy. I still didn't quite get the pool date and we were robbed of an underwater kiss! It was the perfect opportunity!!!! And they don't need to fool us. They are not date mates. They are a couple. I think it's cute how sunshine guy plays along, even though he actually knows full well that grumpy guy and him are a couple, but so as not to scare him away, he just plays along. The second thing I didn't understand, why don't they sleep together in the same bed? The solution to the problem was of course very adorable and I almost exploded because of the concentrated cuteness of the scene. I would have liked it even more if grumpy guy had climbed down to sunshine guy of his own accord and hugged him from behind. But I don't want to complain. The scene is burned into my memory forever now. And yes, the end of episode 6 fucked me up. Sunshine Guy! Go to him. Take him in your arms! Don't run away! But maybe he just knows grumpy guy well enough to know that he might have closed himself off in that moment. That fucked up ex-boyfriend. It was obvious that he would still play a role. You better not fuck this up in the finale!

↑ 2. La Pluie (Ep 4)

Most surprising kiss this week:

I'm squealing! I was really afraid that there would be a huge problem when Patts found out that Saengtai knew they were soulmates. But with that I am not mad. The kiss on the other hand…Yes, Saengtai initiated it, but Patts was willing to go quite a few steps further. Boy, Saengtai was drunk off his ass! No thought of getting into his pants there. But well, who hasn't made out with someone while drunk? I'll let it slide. Oh man, my critical eyes are really going blind when I like a scene. Not saying it was a good choice of writing the first kiss! Second point…Patts. Talk to your ex, please. Silence has never helped anyone. Especially not in front of love contaminated people. So tell her, hey, I found my soulmate and now I will start a new happy life with him. Other than that, Saengtai and Patts are both like sugar to me. I find their interactions so cute and want to permanently pinch their cheeks. The series definitely manages to pick up from week to week. I'm a little scared when it comes to the drama. I'm not going to like it, but honestly, we're on episode 4 of 12. There's a whole bunch more drama to come…And I'm not ready for it!

→ 3. Happy Merry Ending (Ep 7+8 Final)

The most smitten guy of the week:

Episode 7 I will simply banish from my memory again. But that was exactly what I feared last week. Namely that JaeHyun reminds SeungJun way too much of his ex with his manner. He couldn't offer him any protection at that moment. And I understand SeungJun so much that he sends JaeHyun away, that he wants to be alone, that he wants to protect himself. It's all been so new for him, he was too overwhelmed with the new relationship, because he himself wasn't ready yet from the head. Yes, JaeHyun gave him peace when they were together, but when he was alone, he was vulnerable again. He himself needs to learn to stop being vulnerable and attackable to his ex in order to be a good partner in the future and address and overcome his trauma because: Love cannot heal everything. But even though JeungJun sent JaeHyun away, it was his love that made JeungJun finally take control of his life. He had to make that decision himself to become stronger. And when he is ready, he just hopes that JaeHyun will forgive him…If we were to dive into reality at this point, we would realize that this is wishful thinking. How often does it happen that one person waits so long for another and that other person actually gives a sign at some point, like "Hey, I still like you"? The story would have actually ended at the point when JeungJun asks JaeHyun to leave and compares him to his disgusting ex. That would have been my breaking point, anyway. But, we are not in reality, but in the beautiful world of BL. And here, with the last episode, we get our happy ending, as we hoped for. And may I say at this point that I now wish we had heard more songs from JaeHyun? What a beautiful voice! Makes him even more handsome. I liked the story. I liked that JeungJun managed to turn his life around on his own. I liked the look on JaeHyun's face when he looks at JeungJun. I liked their absolutely cozy looking togetherness. I liked their romance.

↑ 4. Our Skyy 2 (Ep 9+10)

Okay, I was so afraid Our Skyy would ruin my favorites, but shit, was it fun! Would I have liked to see Tinn and Gun navigate their lives with each other after school with new challenges? Absolutely. Do I think the role reversal idea is bad? Not really. It's very amusing to see Gemini and Fourth play each other's roles and give them their own character traits. And they came up with some really good jokes. I was on the floor laughing. The dance scene was so over the top. The whole scene after the exam when they were in each other's arms…I couldn't take it anymore! And to add TiwsonPor as an already existing couple - chef's kiss. They know exactly what they are doing. This is fanservice at its finest. I love it when a show is aware of its fans and what they want, and when they don't just throw it out there, but incorporate in well into the plot. This is so fanfiction!!! It's like the writers and everyone involved really paid attention and saw where the mistakes or inconsistencies were with the original series and now they're making fun of them in an excellent way. Best scene: the guys are all in a room together and Gun and Tinn are flirting with each other and the guys are nagging them not to be so loud. That's realistic for a change. All in all, I liked the episodes of Our Skyy so much more than the previous ones.

↓ 5. My Story (Ep 6)

I don't care about this week! Please don't let Zeke be late for that stupid school event next week and what's with Drake and him? The drama belongs with Sky and Win. Not in our little sanctuary Zeke x Fifth heaven. I resent that! This week was soooo cute again! Fifth is just still very unsure if he can be enough and satisfy Zeke, and Zeke may give him something to doubt there when he agrees to Kim's event even though he promised to be at the school event. And I can already somewhat imagine next week that drama can arise through that. Although I can also understand Zeke wanting to fuel his career as a photographer a bit with the assignment from Kim. These two are going to break my heart before they painstakingly patch it back together. And just between us, I probably wouldn't mind to see their reconciliation in the end.

↓ 6. Our Dining Table (Ep 7)

A kiss? Really now? Not that I think there was really a kiss with the camera shot like that, but still! Brave Minoru! Aside from the kiss, it was another nice, stable episode. Yutaka is opening up to Minoru and Tane is such an empathetic boy, it's heartbreaking. And the dad is my absolute favorite! I think among all of us, he's the biggest shipper of the two!

↑ 7. Step by Step (Ep 5)

Jeng and Pat are so side tracked in my mind right now. Yes, there is progress, they slept in a bed together and you can tell they both already know they like the other. And at the end there was this totally romantic scene with fireworks in the background that screamed for a kiss and then the cut came…okay…but, what really stuck in my mind? My ambivalent feelings about Jaab and Jane. But I did some soul-searching. One of my favorite series is Love Mechanics…so who am I to judge? Yes, Jane fucked up, but shit happens in this world. That doesn't excuse anything, but I'm selfish and I want these two to get together. They both like each other. And of course Jaab doesn't hide it, but he never makes the first move. So it's absolutely clear that Jane is equally attracted to Jaab. So much that he crosses lines he shouldn't. The affair, or even a fling, has a certain tingle, the whiff of something forbidden. It's morally reprehensible and yet the subject matter is always found in the media and people are drawn to it. Why? Because it shows emotions very raw and pure. Because desire for a person is depicted, which otherwise can hardly be transported through the medium. Because it means that the desire for this person, be it purely sexual or even romantic, is so great that one accepts the moral contempt. Because in some moments you have no control over your thoughts and your body. Because it is a temptation that people would like to give in to, at least in their thoughts. It means giving up control to your heart and even if you have never had the thought of cheating, you can still understand what can happen in your body and head. So yeah, I'm not mad about it at the end of this week. I'm excited to see what happens next and I'm eager to see when they get to their happy ending and what other obstacles are put in their way.

↑ 8. A Boss and a Babe (Ep 12 Final)

Most ridiculous dialogue of the week:

The finale surprised once again. How pissed I was at first when it turned out to be just a dream…I hate that. That is one of the shittiest placeholder…fucking dream sequences. And then also at the end of the last episode, so it can't be resolved until the next episode either. That hit home. After that, it was a sugar fest. So much sweetness and romance. Was a little too much for my stunted heart. But it was the conclusion I think we all thought and hoped for. The friends group is and remains my favorite of the series and especially the fact that they have accepted Gun into their group like that and he visibly feels at home there. The roof terrace at the end was a bit much for me. If my partner did that, I'd probably be throwing up rainbows and cotton candy. But anyway. I'm excited to see what happens next week with Our Skyy 2…The preview looked…exhausting, to put it nicely.

↓ 9. Naked Dining (Ep 6)

Oh, Futa… What are you doing? You're dreaming about Mahiro kissing you. Do you want me to interpret it for you? Your subconscious has already figured out that you like him. Your subconscious is trying to tell you what you want, you just have to listen and let it happen. Instead, you're talking about getting married and starting a family. And the look on Mahori's face spoke volumes. He's so hurt and disappointed. He really thought you guys were making progress after Futa's talk of fate, that you found each other again. Oh man. This is so frustrating. All the better that Mahiro told him the truth in the end and leaves Futa alone with his thoughts now. I'm excited to see what happens next.

→ 10. House of Stars (Ep 3)

I found the episode so boring and uninteresting and I don't understand the dynamic going on. I don't get what the relationship is supposed to be between Gun and Pitch. Pitch is obsessed with Gun and Gun doesn't like him, but tolerates him and sometimes looks at him like he's in love with him and is nice to him. And on the other hand, we have So, who is clearly into Pitch and Pitch kind of likes him, but by the portrayal of his character, I really can't see any feelings from Pitch. And yeah, the choice of how he conveys the character is really not working for me. I don't like it. And Pitch is such an unlikable character. He knows he's going to screw up, again and again and again and doesn't learn from it and again and again others have to bail him out while is standing there grinning...Yes, I'm dropping it at this point.

[thewritingmagician2022]

The Tortured Poets Department (Taylor Swift) - Dateables Part 1

Okay, this album has been by far the hardest to do for the boys. Some of them jumped out at me really quickly but most of these took a lot of thinking and, when thinking failed, I turned to the vibes. A lot of these songs are dark, sad, or introspective which doesn’t lend itself so well to healthy, happy relationships - just as a warning. So here’s part 1 - TTPD the original 17 tracks. There will be a part 2 next week with the songs from the anthology.

Levi: TTPD

Sometimes, I wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me But you told Lucy you'd kill yourself if I ever leave And I had said that to Jack about you, so I felt seen Everyone we know understands why it's meant to be 'Cause we're crazy

This song is a love song even though the person is also making fun of the person they were with, which just seems fitting. It really highlights how both people can be so completely not stable or develop codependency when you’re guided by strong feelings rather than logic. I think Levi is absolutely one of those people who, once he’s in love, is 100% dedicated to his partner and would lowkey be suicidal if that person ever left him. I’m sorry, I say it with love, but Levi absolute is capable of that toxicity. It’s part of his envy, you know? If he can’t have you, there’s no point to anything. I can also imagine MC telling him that they’re just two idiots in love, not some super important people with a modern day perfect love story so he can’t go around over romanticizing everything and getting swept up in the glamour of a relationship rather than the actual relationship itself. 

Lucifer: Fortnight

I touched you for only a fortnight I touched you, I touched you I love you, it's ruining my life

The sound is what leads me to Lucifer’s choices most of the time and this song has the sound/vibes that fit the most for my vision of him. I also think Lucifer is so entirely not thrilled with loving MC; it was never his plan and he’s a lot more reluctant to acknowledge those feelings than some of the other dateables. He’s never struggled with separating friendship or sex from love but, with you, he gets caught up in it. It doesn’t take long, just your brief stint in the Devildom, to make a permanent mark on him and lead him into a love that can’t be ignored or forgotten. He loves you and it’s ruining his life to know that that love will have to end when either you leave or change your mind or die eventually. 

Diavolo: Down Bad

I'll build you a fort on some planet Where they can all understand it How dare you think it's romantic Leaving me safe and stranded

I see this song as MC post Diavolo after he breaks up with them. He’s the kind of person who will always want to put his partner first, even if that means breaking both of their hearts. He loves you more than anything else in this world so he will do anything to make sure you’re safe. Once it’s time for you to return home to human realm, he’s going to to let you go and wish you the best. There’s nothing you can say to him that will make him change his mind and let you stay, not when it’s so much safer and easier for you back there. He knows you can find a good life back home but you know that you’ll never be able to see the human realm the same way again after your adventure. How can you ever go back to normal after that kind of life and love? You can’t and you hate him for taking that away from you. You’d rather be damned and happy with him than safe at home; fuck everything else. 

Mammon: My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

'Cause I knew too much, there was danger in the heat of my touch He saw forever, so he smashed it up, oh, oh My boy (My boy), only breaks his favorite toys, oh, oh

I love Mammon so much that it actually hurt a little to make this his song but I think it just fits him very well. The sound, the lyrics, the idea that a man can love you so much that he has to break your heart. Mammon loves you but Mammon also knows that he destroys everything he touches. He’s scummy and a cheat and thoughtless and selfish and the list goes on. He’s happy with you, happier than he’s ever been in his entire life, but he knows he’s only going to bring you down if you stick around. He does his best to do right and give you the world but it’s always hanging by a string, his sin keeping him one misstep away from losing it all. So he does the only thing he can for both of your sakes - he runs. He’d rather you hate him for leaving than hate him once you realize who he really is. 

Solomon: But Daddy I Love Him

Now I'm running with my dress unbuttoned Screaming "But Daddy I love him!" I'm having his baby No, I'm not, but you should see your faces I'm telling him to floor it through the fences No, I'm not coming to my senses I know he's crazy but he's the one I want

The song sounds like Solomon to the very core. Something about this man makes me think feral country music just fits. Solomon is definitely considered a bit of a madman by anyone who knows him; you try being sane when you’ve lived for thousands of years and have the rest of eternity to go. We all know MC was warned up and down about the shady sorcerer but they ended up falling for him anyway. They don’t care about his past or reputation or mental stability and, honestly, the more people push against the union, the more compelling it is. Deep down, Solomon is a good man and he’s good for MC. They may be a chaotic pair but they love each other to death and have fun the whole while, just them against the world. 

Barbatos: Fresh Out the Slammer

And no matter what I've done, it wouldn't matter anyway Ain't no way I'm gonna screw up now that I know what's at stake here

Finding one for Barbatos was a lot tougher than I expected honestly. The sound of the album fits with him but none of the songs were really sticking with me when I thought about him. This song was the closest I could get because it’s about Taylor serving her time (aka dating someone and suffering) and leaving to return to the person she really wants. I think of this as MC going through everything the brothers and Diavolo put them through, including dying, and how they’re so ready to move on from everything. MC has made a lot of mistakes and they would be afraid to make them with anyone else but with Barbatos there’s no worry about that because he knows everything and is always going to keep them on the right path. He’s there for them every time without fail, waiting for them to ‘come home’ and offering a safe place to land when everything goes wrong. 

Simeon: Guilty as Sin

What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy? If long-suffering propriety is what they want from me They don't know how you've haunted me so stunningly I choose you and me religiously

This song was the very first one to come to me and it was like a lightning strike. Like, hello? Simeon who spends all of his grappling with his less than platonic feelings towards MC. He keeps it sweet, keeps it chaste, keeps it clean but, in his head in the darkness of his room at night, his thoughts are anything but. MC is the only person who makes Simeon feel more like a man than an angel. He feels so so so guilty for the thoughts he has and even though he doesn’t act on them, he feels like he’s just as guilty as if he did because the thoughts are just so strong and never ending. Then we get to watch as he loses this internal struggle against himself and his upbringing until he’s right at MC’s feet, ready to receive whatever they’ll give him. He chooses them because surely nothing they offer him could ever truly be wrong. 

Satan: I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

They shook their heads sayin', "God, help her" When I told 'em he's my man (I told 'em he's my man) But your good Lord didn't need to lift a finger I can fix him, no, really, I can

Satan is great. He’s typically polite and studious and vaguely charming. However, no one can ever forget that he is made up of the darkest parts of Lucifer. To see Satan lose his temper and unleash is sin is to be in serious danger. That’s why the citizens are more terrified of this brother than they are of most of the others. There’s something so deeply disconcerting about a demon that seems so tame having such a wild and deadly side. When you get together with him, onlookers are holding their breath. They warn you about the risks, about how easy it can be to flip the switch in him once he’s passionate, but you’re not worried. You’ve spent all of your time in the Devildom navigating dangerous situations and even more dangerous demons who actually wanted you dead. You’re not afraid of Satan; you know you’re the only one who can tame him and, truly, he’s such a good boy it won’t be very hard work at all. 

Asmo: I Can Do it With a Broken Heart

All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting, "More" I was grinnin' like I'm winnin' I was hittin' my marks 'Cause I can do it with a broken heart

This is possibly the most depressing song on the album lowkey. It’s so cheerful sounding and you can dance and sing your heart out but the lyrics make you want to cry. I think this song is so Asmo coded because we watch him perform for his fanclub and for strangers all the time. He always has to look his best, be charming, be flirty. He’s expected to be this wonderful ray of sunshine to everyone he meets and to never show a single flaw - that includes any negative feelings as well because, let’s be honest, emotions can be very ugly things to witness. So he keeps any anger or sadness or bitterness tucked carefully away where no one can see it. You won’t ever see Asmo fall apart in public. You won’t ever set it at all, actually, because Asmo can live through the worst things in the world and still come out a superstar on the other side and you don’t get there by letting anyone see you cry. 

Belphie: Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? Did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed? Were you writin' a book? Were you a sleeper cell spy? In fifty years, will all this be declassified? And you'll confess why you did it and I'll say, "Good riddance" 'Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden

Belphie, Belphie, Belphie. I would’ve given him something lighter if I could have but, with the options I was offered, this song was truly the one that made the most sense. Taylor feels so incredibly betrayed and confused in this song; it’s less about wanting revenge or belittling the man behind it and more about getting some closure. MC doesn’t see it coming at all when Belphie goes in for the kill. To them, they have a wonderful friend (maybe something more), someone they’re doing their best to save, only to have that person turn right around and stab them in the back. It’s heartbreaking and trust shattering, and MC can’t help all of the questions running through their mind at the end about why Belphie is doing what he’s doing and, in the end, the why doesn’t matter as much anymore either - just that he was willing to commit such betrayal says everything they need to know. 

Beel: The Alchemy

Call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team Ditch the clowns, get the crown Baby, I'm the one to beat 'Cause the sign on your heart Said it's still reserved for me Honestly, who are we to fight thе alchemy?

Any song about Travis belongs to Beel simply because they are the same person. Let’s be honest, what else could I possibly have put with him? Three guesses what his song is for part two. Anyway, Beel is just here to love and be loved. The man has been struck by tragedy and kept his heart closed to any one but his family for a long time but then you come along and he starts to open up again. You have a bunch of other demons fighting for your time and attention but you know that Beel is the only one for you. There’s no point in pursuing anyone else or him trying to fight the growing feelings because you’re going to end up together regardless. It doesn’t matter how slow it moves or how many times one of you goes back and forth either - the alchemy is going to turn whatever relationship you have into gold and it’ll last. 

[sol-consort]

What's your favorite load out when it comes to weapons/companions? Who's on the permanent roster? I remember you're fond of snipers. This is for the og trilogy or Andromeda

Thank you for this, you're really kind.

Yes! I love snipers, sometimes more than a normal amount. Idk I just like the appeal of taking out a whole enemy with a clean crisp shot to the head. The recoil afterwards and the heavy sniper gunshot sound are so satisfying.

I prefer the ones with one bullet like the M-98 Widow (sorry Black Widow sniper rifle I'm loyal to the og goat) And all the dmg% increase attachment + dmg boost cloak bc yes

I'm confident in my aim but my reflexes are the problem, they have a delay, rhyme games help me account for the delay by finetuning when the clicks register but it's hard to implement in fps games. That's why I absolutely loved the time slowing effect of the cloaking mechanism in Mass Effect, even one second of leeway made a big difference for me in actually landing the shots.

Powerful glass canon is my go-to build in most games, I want to be deadly, but also, you gotta protect me >:^/ So I take big tanky companions or support ones to help me not die since I'll be doing the big pp dmg. I may or may not refer to them as my personal cheerleaders from time to time <3

The requirements to make it into the cheerleaders team are simple, you gotta at least have one (1) of the following or more:

Supportive Biotics (Optional)

Tanky build (Optional)

Good looks (Optional)

I need to have a crush on you (Mandatory dealbreaker)

So Kaidan was a stable, his biotics came into clutch a lot. So much so I actually missed them more than I missed him during the breakup in ME2, I wanted to march into court and demand a shared custody of his biotics because I need my batman utility yellow belt! How am I supposed to carry without my pocket biotics support, huh?

Everyone else's biotics were too offence centred :( No one was like him. I'll forever mourn my mercy main boytoy.

Wrex and Ashley also were golden choices for me meta wise, having a shotgun-weilding bulletsponge dive head first into the enemy lines and giving me space to snipe them from the safety of my cover was a wet dream come true. It's why I always loved taking Grunt with me in ME2.

But those were meta teams for hard fights, while my "fun" teams were the characters I had crushed on! Hooray. It's why Thane was allowed a spot in my personal cheerleaders line despite me parking Garrus in the Normandy for life since no two snipers can be on the same team without starting a biggest dick competition and he is a sore loser! I'm clearly better + my gun is longer and bigger.

Like buzz off man! Stop copying my flow. Snipers were MY thing before you came, and now you're here and your attachment scope isn't even that impressive.

Well that was ME trilogy, Andromeda playstyle is very different and comes with a lot of questionable decisions like who thought this was a good idea? I played a good portion of it vanilla before saying it fuck it, this is starting to feel like a chore and went and installed mods to buff weapons, increase mobility and make enemies actually interesting.

One thing I love about Andromeda enemies is that when you shoot them through a scope, they can duck out of the way of the bullet. Literally jumping to the side. Same thing if your shot was misaligned and slightly missed them. They dodge and go find a cover like a realistic soldier would when aware a sniper is after them.

It's annoying at times, but heyho. Silver lining and all.

The companions meta wise are trash in Andromeda. They are super weak, their abilities are useless, and I never depended on them ever to back me up in any fight. I go into it, knowing I'll start it alone and finish it alone. The most useful thing they've ever done is being a shield meat while I reload.

So I pick them like keychains, whichever suits my mood the best. Whose voice do I wanna hear screaming in the background on the battlefield?

Drack, the krogan, however, is actually half-decent on the battlefield. I guess it comes from virtue of being a krogan and all. A team with two krogans is literally the dream team. Their sheer usefulness on the battlefield paints you a better picture of why the genophage ordeal happened, because a single krogan is really worth an army. It's genuinely the best piece of environmental storytelling in ME.

There are a lot of new and unique snipers in Andromeda... but I didn't like any of them. Yes, listen, I know hating laser weapons and playing futuristic sci-fi games is an oxymoron, but I can't help it! lasers suck. Where is the pizzazz? Where is the recoil? The piercing sound of the bullet breaking the sound barrier? All I get is a "pssshhht" continuous sound akin to the ambient piss stream of a guy in a public restroom. I don't wanna grill chicken. I wanna go big pew.

[blindedbythedarkness]

My mind is so full right now. I feel more emotions than I can name thoughts, but there's just so much going on. When I was younger, my dad used to tell me that anxiety is just intolerance of uncertainty. Well, I have a hell of a lot of uncertainty right now and I get why people don't tolerate it, it's fucking uncomfortable.

At university, I have to make a decision which could mean giving up my dreams of being a doctor. Either that, or say nothing about being caused likely permanent harm by the institutions that were supposed to protect me. The real kicker is, I daren't even say more than that in case I post the wrong thing and fuck it all up both ways. Who can I even speak to about it? No one in my life has any useful advice for me because people just don't have to make massive fucking decisions like this on the regular. It all feels so heavy and maybe I'm an adult now, but I still feel like a kid with no clue what to do.

I also feel like I'm losing my parents. Both, at the same time. Though actually I think I've already lost my dad. He gave into the crowds last year and dropped all Covid precautions to "live his life". He's always been fixated on living at least to the age of his mother, which gives him 8 more years. His current lifestyle means if nothing changes, I doubt he'll make it there, at least without serious health issues. He wouldn't give a fuck if I told him though. It's all too hypothetical and he's too cynical that he doesn't want to live longer anyway. I don't think he can even conceive of how it is to live with serious chronic illness, he probably thinks he's built different and could just push through. I'm a living, breathing example of the damage Covid could do, but despite sharing half my genes, it could never happen to him. Even if it did, he'd just try harder than me.

I lie awake for hours at night, my mind involuntarily churning out essays and letters to the people in my life who's life choices are breaking my heart fragment by fragment. I beg my brain to shut up and let me rest, knowing I'll never bother to send them, but I just can't sleep again until its down on paper.

To my dad, I imagine writing him letters explaining how I know he's never prioritized me in his life, but perhaps he could reconsider. I want to tell him how he's killing me on the inside more each day with his decisions. I want to beg him to reconsider, because I want him to last long enough to see me married and meet my children; they'll already be lacking two grandparents, please don't make it one more. I want to threaten him, tell him when his brain is bursting with the fucked up proteins that mean he can't think or remember who I am anymore, all because he gave up and gave in to SARS2, it will be me who chooses his care home. Care homes which will lack even more staff, and will be even more expensive as the early onset dementia epidemic explodes a decade from now. I want to ask him if it was all for nothing, me rebuilding our relationship? Because if he carries on like this, I'll have no choice but to build walls to protect myself from the anticipatory grief. Do I really mean so little to him? He's choosing a few short years of the old-normal instead of me having a future with him in it.

I've shared similar thoughts with my mum and she seemed to understand my point of view, yet I'm still afraid she'll follow him down the same path. She says she's trying to balance being safe and living her life, and I understand no one can be perfect. But the world is growing more hostile and she's faced opposition to masking at work. She's never had as many balls as me, so I worry eventually she'll crack. She went on holiday recently, and there's not a single mask in her pictures. I know she likes to take it off for photos, but how can I know she ever wore it at all. If I question her, she scolds me for not trusting her, as if I haven't had an endless conveyor of friends and family willing to trade my life for brunch these past 4 years- of course I have trust issues. It also seems that she made a new friend on holiday, a friend that could become more. I have no issue with that, it'd be good for her. But what if they don't understand Covid? What if she caves to keep them in her life and trades safety for companionship?

I just feel so lost, and I have so many questions with answers I'm afraid to find out. But without them, I'm in some sort of emotional purgatory. I do have friends who I know would care. But one would never understand. Another is busy seeing family. Another is too new for me to drop all this on. And the one who would understand it most has her own horrors to contend with right now and I don't want to add to her stress. Meanwhile, my therapist is on holiday for a month.

Plus, and its small by comparison, I've spent the last two months in new-pet limbo. We've kept rats for the last 5 years and they've really been amazing for company, joy and amusement throughout this current dystopia. But we lost our last one two months ago and now an empty cage sits right in the middle of our living room. I've spent so much time and energy researching breeders and joining new lists, but there's been so many unanswered emails and painfully slow waits for responses. It would just be nice to know when this one nice thing will be back in my life.

How I feel right now is like no simple depression that, looking back, is what I had in my late teens. This is years of acute-on-chronic compounded trauma and discrimination and loss of even the most basic human need- safety. I'm numb and yet my whole chest hurts. I find myself wishing it would change, in either direction. I have fleeting thoughts of overdose on antidepressants or cutting myself, just to fortify the numbness or finally break through the walls around my heart. But I won't. Instead, I'll do just what I've been doing for four fucking years- enduring. Tolerating. Staying alive and not self-destructing. But inside, I'm crumbling more than ever.

Oh please, dear God, let things improve soon. There has to be a light at the end of this and I'm so desperate to live to see it.

[lilacsolanum]

I'm really feeling grateful for the unspoken rule in fandom that if you don't like a fic, just click off. It's free and it's a hobby, so there's no need to leave a critical review. Every now and then I'll see people whine about that, which. Wild. But like. Hey, don't.

In 2020, I lost more than just my job. I lost my entire life path. I lost the future I had planned for myself. I worked in the service industry, and that industry will never, ever be the same. It might look like it's snapped back from the outside, but it hasn't. Obviously, everyone life changed permanently, a literal global level of shift, and I'm not exactly special. Myself and my family and friends all came out of it healthy and I'm so grateful. Still, man, for me more than most people I know, shit was like the Thanos snap. One day, half my life was gone.

I had two choices: despair, or make the best of it. I've been called to performing my entire life, but never pursued it due to self-doubt. Well, when I was unemployeed and desperate, I suddenly decided to jump into audiobook narration with no plan and no training. And somehow, I got gigs. I started working with an author who was on the verge of blowing up, who didn't have the budget to find a trained professional at the time so used someone with potential who would work for an appropriate payrate. I recorded my first series giving 200%, which is 100% more than anyone wants to listen to in an audiobook narrator. I'm incredibly proud of my first efforts and invested the money I made in coaching and equipment upgrades, but as the author's fanbase grew, so do people's expectations of the narration.

It's been uhhhhhhhhh a wild ride. I'm so grateful that I got lucky, but also, do not recommend this situation to anyone. While I am improving and growing, most of my books are a little rough, and the one star reviewers are fucking LETTING. ME. KNOW. All caps, rage filled, terrible spelling and b'grammar'd passionate reviews on every audiobook retailer imaginable are out there for me to obsess over in at my low points. Which is often. Remember when I said I suffer from crippling self-doubt? Mama I am dragging my stubborn ass through this accidental career pivot of mine out of spite rather than pride. It's not fun.

They have a right to speak their mind, as most of them paid for the book! So if you hate it, go off! But still! Sometimes I combat that by reading comments on my fanfiction. The majority of comments I receive on AO3 are positive with a few mild exceptions, and those are easy for me to shake off because of the support I've received. The positive comments motivate me to improve my writing just as much as the negative comments on my acting do, except being positively motivated makes that improvement go faster and a more pleasant journey. It's a nice, safe place for me. I don't appreciate the culture of no negative comments because I don't accept that negative criticism is a part of putting yourself out there creatively. I accept it very much. I appreciate them because I AM a professional creative and people pay for products I've produced and have every right to express their opinions on it and it's so important I have a space where I don't have to deal with that.

So thank you, those who suppress the urge to leave negative comments on fanfic. And thank you to people who leave kind reviews. You never know what someone is going through, and my god, kind comments on my fic inspire me to work even harder as a performer, because one day, I want to receive equal positivity for both ventures. Thank you for fueling my ambitions with kindness.

[kafkaoftherubble]

237不止没有改进236，还他妈的直接... //CH237 did not improve CH236. In fact, it fucking—

Spoilers for Jujutsu Kaisen CH237.

Damn. This chapter blows as a belated Gojo fan. Also blows as a character-work fan. Or a "surprise me with an interesting and creative maneuver after the last chapter" fan. I should be glad I didn't inhale dangerous amounts of copium last week beyond small doses and hope.

You know what feels like the point of JJK as of this writing? "Be an asshole, or lose." Megumi ain't an asshole, is he? So there you go. He kept getting punished. Bruh had been an L magnet for a while now for sure, but at CH237 you can reasonably believe he's in that same afterlife airport in yet another offscreen death. At this rate JJK is gonna feel like a fundamentalist/millennialist Christian talking point: "This life on Earth is shit. You can only hope for salvation in the afterlife. No point trying to fight suffering while living; no point dreaming about improvement. True happiness only exists after you die... In God's Kingdom Gojo's airport, mai furrendo. Until Sukuna Reality-cut through even the afterlife, that is."

Megumi had a lot of characterization early on, man. He's got an interesting psychology, legitimate mental growth, a self-ish goal revolving around Tsumiki, a selfless goal revolving around his definition of being a jujutsu sorcerer, a dynamic of interesting potentials between himself and Yuji + himself and Satoru + himself and Tsumiki + himself and the Zenin clan (or whatever's left of it), and a canonically busted technique. We would have been so stoked to see what Megumi himself could do with Ten Shadows, especially when it's said to rival the Gojo clan's Limitless.

Instead, when the 10 Shadow vs. Limitless fight happened, it was Sukuna who demonstrated how good it was, not the young hero we're rooting to master it. And now comes CH237 and Sukuna's like, "Yea, this technique was just an Anti-Gojo move so I can forget this now that he's 2.5jo. Bye Megumi's L Magnet body! Bye Megumi's soul; thanks for tanking Unlimited Void that one time! MAGICAL GIRL TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE! BELIEVIX, SO MAGICAL!"

Was the whole point of Megumi's existence just to erase Satoru? Were all those previous hints to Megumi's character development and psychology just haphazard salad dressings?

And man. Because I'm, indeed, a Gojo fan, what really bummed me out is this growing realization: Satoru seemingly still dead right now really lends substance to people who said he's the single-most stupidest loser in this story ever. He has never made any right choice, has he? Even his insistence on not executing Yuji, which was framed to be a move for a noble cause back then (I'll die on this hill; I really can't see it as a self-motivating cause no matter how some people might like to paint it), is now seen as a stupid choice that doomed the future because of how much the villains are winning right now (while the strongest guy on the good guys' side is chilling with "no regrets" in an afterlife airport).

You'd at least hope that Satoru managed to introduce some permanent damage to Sukuna for the rest of the camp. Lose the battle, win the war. But apparently, from the looks of it, that didn't last. Sukuna magical-girled into his Second Stage Boss form. It's reasonable that his brain just got renewed from this, which means Malevolent Shrine may be back on the table already. And any (meager) damage Satoru had left on him from their fight is just wiped clean. Bruh even has his dumbbell-looking weapon (it's actually a legit weapon in Hindu myth if I recall correctly, though what exactly is the name slipped my mind this time) now.

Hell, that simp Uraume is still alive and kicking. Satoru didn't even offscreen that annoying twerp with his 200% Hollow Purple at the beginning of the fight. Now Uraume is presumably acting out those Gamble God(赌神) Chinese New Year Hong Kong movies with Hakari up there in the sky.

Honestly Gojo Satoru, are you sure you were the strongest at all? Or have you just been subjected to that old Chuck Norris meme, where tales of Chuck Norris being "the strongest" in the most ridiculous ways possible spread among people—except in your case, everyone including yourself believed it? 'Cause man, the story disrespects you so hard now.

Oh, and don't bother looking for Satoru's body among the rubble. Nor bother with the cast's emotional reaction. No Yuji, no Yuta, no nobody except Kashimo and Hakari. Some said this might allude to a background event—maybe Satoru is being patched up in the background as we speak, ya know?

But I don't know. It's just... better not to expect anything at this point. Better not to cook unless the intention is to write fanfics and what-ifs for yourself or your community. I do neither of those things, so I don't wanna try cooking at all. "Nekkhamma", man. Non-attachment is the better frame of mind by this point.

Still gonna stick with JJK though because hey, I still wanna evaluate things when it's all said and done. I'm not gonna try persuading my best friend into seeing it with me when Season 3 comes, though. Her fav is Nanami and she's only interested in Satoru because of me. By this metric, there's no point in having her stick around past her personal interests. She's not even one who likes pointless tragedies nor is she wanting of shows to watch, aye, Fionn?

Sukuna fans can rejoice, though. He reclaims the form Sukuna fans wanted to see for years! And he's more powerful than ever and is indisputably the King of Curses very likely riding into a non-airport style victory (unless Kenjaku screws him). In addition to being the strongest and poetic (that's the character depth non-Sukuna fans like myself missed at our peril, I suppose), he's—by his admission—an unwanted child with a hint of him "working to become the strongest" (this has been a pretty persistent fanon for a while now. Just need a confirmation.). He also doesn't know "love." And thinks everyone else is trash. There are some genuinely interesting possibilities to speculate about his background based on the breadcrumbs provided CH237 though. I wonder if the conjoined twin theory is true!

Hey, Gege? If you're transitioning Jujutsu Kaisen to Sukuna Kaisen, might as well start throwing the most meaningful bones to Sukuna fans, okay? No more being coy. Just tell them his backstory. Hell, I'll stick around out of curiosity alone... even if I hate an asshole who never gets punished.

Thank you for reading my ramble.

[shoegazely]

@chromatiica / continued from here

knox finds himself smiling when the woman laughs, feeling that swelter of pride in his chest grow and grow until it completely envelops him. he feels warm, downing a swig of his drink and looking back at the woman. "i knew it!" he celebrates. "you listen to everything! i guess i'm that way, too, but you branch out a little more than i do. well, a lot more than i do. i've never really gotten into techno or anything like that." a sad, dramatic sigh, but he quickly perks up again while she rambles, listening intently and nodding along to every word.

"i always preferred 'i was a teenage werewolf' to anything else, but you have admirable taste," he says, raising his glass to her. "i'll admit, i don't dabble too deep in the cramps, but maybe i'll have to now that i know you do." knox pauses, realizing how flirty that had come out as, and while this woman is stunning he hadn't even meant it that way. hoping it'll be ignored, he blunders on as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. "metallica and iron maiden rock. 'enter sandman'..." he exhales. "that song does wonders for me, man."

the woman seems to wear a permanent smile, and it makes knox feel much more at ease. that has to be the reason he's perked up so much, because his drug of choice is a downer, and it's not like he eight balled it ; simply put, he shouldn't feel this giddy inside, certainly not after the past couple of days he's had. her energy is infectious, creeping tendrils into his soul. he already wants to be her friend. she must be the coolest person around town, that's for sure, and it makes him feel lucky to have sat here in the first place. even better, she likes his taste in music! even tells him that much! knox grins from ear to ear, because if he's got good taste, then so does she.

he eagerly takes her hand to shake, then tilts his head at the compliment, shock apparent in his face. brows raised and jaw slightly unhooked. "oh," he says, then laughs. "thanks! no one's ever said that about my name before." that's definitely going to be something that sticks with him for a while, one of those things he thinks about before he falls asleep. remember that girl who said your name was badass? but then she says her name and knox isn't sure he's ever heard a cooler name on the planet. "woah woah woah. your name is indigo? and you go by indie?! you have the coolest name i've ever heard in my life!" he smiles even wider, if possible. "i'm truly jealous." he goes back for his drink but realizes it's entirely gone, and woah, that was quick. a little quicker than he'd thought. whatever.

"well, indie," knox begins to answer, that is, until he spots a familiar head of hair out of the corner of his eye, and instantly it's like every good emotion he's ever had is inflated out of his chest. why the fuck is silas here? the rest of the band probably is, too. can knox ever get one day away from them? silas, especially? jesus fuck. well, hopefully he won't see knox, so he turns to continue chatting up his new friend, maintaining that same excitement even if it's a little more forced now. only because of how hard his heart is thundering. "me and my band are on tour in the great city of new york right now, so i thought i'd get myself a drink before our big gig tomorrow." he looks at her, curious. "what about you? and what brings you to new york, unless you live here? and if that's the case, you must have some good stories." he certainly has some stories from living in san francisco, so surely new york city is even crazier.

[canisbaileyilupus]

I've had a lot going on, time to recap. Can't seem to do a read more on mobile for some reason.

My mom's friend is mentally ill and has been floating around with meds for a couple years and hasn't been consistent in taking them properly. She's also a recovering alcoholic and relapses often.

My mom has been friends with her for 30 years and I am forced to live with my mom bc I can't live alone (rent is awful). Now, mom decides on her own to let her live with us. I disagree but she never asked me. So, in August (I think?) She moves in. She's been told it's not permanent and she'd have to get back on her feet since she was escaping an abusive relationship. Not my problem, I didn't have a choice. So, she's been told the rules, no smoking inside, clean up after yourself, no drugs or alcohol, take her meds on time, etc. This also included buying her own food and paying rent. Mom then goes back on that, saying she can buy her own food but also share ours. That wasn't in the agreement, but I can't fight her on it. Now, food and bills go up. It's costing me more to feed this 55 year old spoiled brat than to put gas in the car.

Since being diagnosed with autism, she's ignored my "I can't handle loud voices and sounds" and the rules of "be quiet or people will report us." She uses her vape pen inside (yes that's included in the smoking rule) and she's relapsed twice since being here (alcohol). She waits until the last minute to make phone calls to therapists, doctors, and housing office to find a place to live. When she doesn't get the therapy she wants she throws a fit.

Now, it's months later, and we got our very first lease violation. The apartment complex office is aware we have someone living here that's not on the lease. And she's been warned on her voice (blames BPD) so much it's annoying and that's also a lease violation.

I am in fear of being evicted. This is our only warning. The next time they send our a lease violation email, they will file eviction papers and we will end up with 30 days to leave.

This is what I've been dealing with for months. I'm so fucking tired.

And there's a lot of small things that bother me too, really gross stuff. She shits and pees herself and refuses to wear diapers. She has done so much laundry it's scary. If we paid for water, we would be unable to live here. She uses a full roll of toilet paper a day to wipe her ass and absolutely explodes the toilet. She leaves her hair everywhere. She never put her shit away either, everything is everywhere. Every room she goes in it's like a tornado. She also doesn't clean her dishes, leaves coffee grounds everywhere and doesn't understand that the water bottles are for my mom and I bc we can't drink the tap water. She's also said I'm rude bc I don't want to have a conversation. I'm not someone who talks a lot, everyone knows this about me. If I wanna talk, I'll talk. If not, I don't participate in conversation.

Let's put this last bit out here for you guys. She is spoiled. She has gotten everything she's ever wanted to a point where if she wanted money, all she has to do is cry to the right people, annoy her mother long enough, abuse her power over a partner to a point they give her money. Even now, she's 55 and her mom is dealing with her father who has dementia. She still calls her crying and to shut her up her mom throws money at her. She's had a maid pretty much her whole life and has never had to struggle financially. Now that she is poor, she doesn't want to give up her spending habits and everytime she has a little money she'll buy shit she doesn't need, including furniture she can't put anywhere for an apartment she doesn't have.

I'll be adding photos when I get a moment as well. Some photos will include a toilet bowl but only if people wanna see it.

[jazstudios]

i think i might be just. actively- (whatever the present tense of derealization is) lol

starting to actually dawn on me that this is the only one life we'll (probably) have. the delusions ive been having are dying and im only left to quake at the sight of reality on the horizon and the fact i am so severely underprepared for everything lmao.

ive got the basic outlines out though, basically "work to give my family a good life" to make up for having to put up with me and my mistakes all throughout the years

basically- amount of shitty things they've had to put up with me because of me = the amount of good and joy they'll have in life which im gonna fight tooth and nail to give them. of course i aspire to give them even more yk, but this is the base minimum lmao. tho atp in time even that much is an uphill battle. lol

nothing feels real. right now. and aside from parents doing their normal fighting and one (mom lol) threatening to divorce/run away cuz she for some reason thinks dad cheated on her lmao?

dont worry, he didnt actually lol. this sounds like mad coping, but im being sincere when i say this lol

at first i thought it would actually kill me. ya know. this whole thing? not knowing if that day will the be the last straw for her? if that's the day when my family falls apart? then that thinking leads to "ohh but ur childhood is just a flowery experience that existed solely to you! the experience was entirely different for your family and they maybe dont even look back on those years as fondly as you do! your being delusional again, stop it" then it spirals from there lmao

ugh. idk how to phrase it lmao. this fight thing has been going for months, ya know. since like the start of this year. i hate it but what can ya do, when life gives u lemons? u shove the up ur eyeball🍋 yargg. yah

slight silver lining that came out of this though is that im getting a daily reminder that nothing in life is permanent, even your family! and that hey. sometimes love *isn't* enough. and that hey. vulnerability is scary. too scary. you can't ever trust someone with any of that, you'll never fully know someone. acknowledging your loved ones are their own people is acknowledging they can do as they please and that includes them leaving you. i say to myself this won't impact how i interact with love for the rest of my life, and it might not. it also, might. but eh whose to say

it's scary to think about. parents on the news always say they never could've guessed their kids are capable of let's say- murder, ya? they can never guess it. they don't know. no one does, i dont, you dont. you dont know if your tomorrow your mother will do something truly heinous that'll impact you negatively for the rest of your life. maybe, she doesn't mean for it to. maybe she had no choice. but, that doesn't really do much to change the effect it had on ur life yeah?

it's dumb. love will never be enough on it's own without action to back it up, but what if love is all you have? what if it's all you can give? what if holding out your heart to them, begging and pleading for them to not leave you, to please love you again, isn't enough? .

i dont know the answer. if you find out, hmu lmao.

but. idk even if i know this, i follow the same logic that damned me from the beginning. i do smth else that isn't what i know would be better for me in the long run.

long run plan: emotionally distance, i'll still be present, i'll still be hurt, but i wont die. at least. i think?

short term aka now: ive always been too emotional. too loose with my feelings, too easily attached. it sounds like im fucking flexing right now lmao but i swear im not trying to lmao. regard this whole bit with a "/derogatory" lol. i hate it. it's always lead me to make horrible horrible decisions, chase the wrong things, make nothing of myself.

it's hurt me so much but it's also the only comfort i have sometimes. comfort in fictional characters, they aren't real, but i love them. art, fantasy, anything else that isn't whats happening to me right now. ill probably like it.

it took me a while to realize how much of a stupid fucking cycle it is. how much of an addiction it is, essentially. but it's so hard to make the first fucking step forward. i easily imagine how i want to be and such, but again, delusions. lol

in my head. sometimes no time passes. sometimes stuff isn't real. sometimes technoblade didn't die (his always had a shit upload schedule lmao so it's easy, sometimes.). sometimes, i imagine, i can be myself but, better. what i imagine "a lover, artist" but someone you'd actually want to be around. ya know? not awkward. not distant. just, something that isn't me right now

sometimes i imagine i can stay how i picture it. happy, innocent, lovely and emotional. kind and friendly. i always liked pacifist route frisk who found a solution to everything, because of this lmao. even if it was impossible, instead of just accepting it gracefully and letting it remain memory of the past, sometimes i imagine getting ugly about it. barefist fighting against reality, fighting time. fighting the world. and sometimes, i imagine. it actually makes a difference. that it wasn't pointless

i don't know. im losing myself but i dont know if ive ever even knew who i was. was i ever anything more than failed expectations and concepts? i dont know. youd ask any of my old classmates who i am, and if they remember me, they might be able to tell you something. if you asked me, id have answer. a mistake, in all functionality of the word. not stretching, not dramatizing, quiet literally a bastard child and ive thought over it for months and i can safely say, if i was never conceived, that my family (tho they never would've been together) would be so, so happy in life

one half of me tears apart at this, they'd be so much happier right? but the other is the somber truth-ish that realizes the futility of it all. there'd be no point in killing myself tomorrow, ive already existed. ive already made marks and my death will have it's consequences. if i really want to repent for the sin of being born, then i should work myself to death for them. as an apology. (funny how they might not even stay together lmao, ah well i can just wire money to diff places ig if they move away lol) then after the last member of my direct family dies, i can just go find some random ditch and off myself lmao. i dont know. when I was like 12 i always planned to kill myself by 30 yk? death scared me, if god doesn't exist then where will my parents go? (i didn't really care about me lmao. im scared of the passage of time, but i welcome my eternal damnation with open arms lol) idk. aethiesm scared me. cause at that point (still do, mostly) i didnt believe in god per say. but then, there came the mortal issue, how to deal with death? at the time, i just thought that religion stemmed from the human fear of death. so people made up a god to comfort themself. i didn't blame them, how could you? reality hurts. it kills. i wish i could believe like they do. but i dont

eh whatever, i just dont think about it much. i cant picture a time where my parents will die. that they wont be there. i can see id probably spiral trying to cope, maybe die from alcoholism or smth else lol. but at point in time, it might sound a bit bad to say but once my first family member dies, i kind of hope the others follow soon. so i dont have to stick around either. typing this now, it makes me think, and thinking makes me want to claw my heart out of my chest but i dont have the capacity to feel much right now. it's like it's all blocked or heavily fogged up lol

it's hard. to remember other people. are real, ya know? is that weird to say? probably. time passes without you knowing it, i don't know. i have a lot i want to say but it's pretty much impossible to even pick out a string of words to start with

i don't know. ive loved people sure, but they're usually my friends lmao. im never sure if i really truly love them or if i just like the idea of them i have in my mind. ive loved in specific, for maybe like 2 years now lmao? not sure. there's the, do i actually like her enough to confess and risk our friendship? if i say no, is it because i dont actually like her or just cuz im 'shy' (lol)?

sometimes i imagine, idk that we lived close to each other or something, that i actually know who you are in real life, i imagine then id probably be able to distructure or solidify my, currently just random disconnected fluffy bits, of feelings lmao. idk. i love you, yeah i can say that with confidence

but is it romantic? what even is romantic love? isn't romantic love, just platonic love with extra steps? do i insist on it because i truly want to be actively in love with you or is it just the kind of love that will have to be satiated by knowing the subject of affection (in this case you lmao) is living a happy life? even if you did actually say yes, would i be able to meet the image of a 'healthy relationship' in my head? that takes communication, that takes work, i imagine i can do it but reality says otherwise lmao. idk. i love you enough to not want to do something that shitty to you. i want you to be happy, i want for you to be happy and secure and confident in your existence. i never want to see you where i am right now lmao, but i can't exactly stop it either way. it's a human experience i guess? and that's not even counting the "holy shit your being so parasocial and weird ew" i assure you the voice in my head abt this is plenty lmao.

but yeah. i love you. i'd send you flowers or even my heart if you wanted, i dont know if im joking but i dont know if i actually mean it, in the sense i dont know if im feeling the emotions i think i should be when saying something like that. i want my words to count for something, but how do i do that when i spend all my breathe trying to make up for my lack of action lmao.

but yeah, pretty much takeaway, i love you. now that i know you exist in the world, somewhere out there i dont know if i could go back to before i knew about you lol. i don't know if it's romantic or platonic, i don't know if i should pursue it or let it fade. but if you asked me take my last breathe then mail you my lungs, i probably would - let's half the shipping costs tho lmao. if you asked me to do something horrible and went against my entire sense of self, i also probably would. i dont know. the idea of it being for someone i love calms the possible thoughts of anxiety lmao. if you asked me to write you endless poetry, i probably would too, not saying it'd be good ofc but well, lol.

i'll be here, as long as you stick around. even if the day comes, you do move on with your life and this blog gets abandoned, ill still be here probably, just missing you a whole lot.

everything's confusing. everyday's its own battle and all it takes is one loss, lol.

ah well, i'll live my life loving you, i think ill be happy at least, having said this much

i love you a lot jaz, wholeheartedly i do

this entire ask is weird, feel free to leave out and not answer anything you want. dont even have to answer this if you want. answer and publish it, toss it into the void. anything's fine, im sorry i told you all this lol. idk, charades and distance and reality can only be stiffling for so long before i lost it and do something impulsive like send you this lmao. i'm not looking for your pity or sympathy, don't worry abt that part lol/genuine/lighthearted

i just. needed an outlet. i guess. haphazardly thrown together as this ask is. this is already more than i could've ever asked lmao, being able to speak all this out into the world, somewhere, to someone. thats all really

i love you so much jaz. take care, even if not that then please live to see tomorrow. i hope you have so, so many wonderful tomorrow's ahead of you. i love you

i settle with thinking about how our hypothetical relationship would probably all up burst in flames because of me LMAO. it's fun to think about. i love you, ill be here for you. im sorry im telling you all this

im severely aware of how unwarranted, weird, parasocial, delusional and arguably cruel this whole thing is. im pretty much objectifying you, i wish i knew you but that's another thing that's probably gotta have to stay in the "keep delusions inside till they die" room lol. im sorry. for all this.

i love you, im sorry i keep saying it lmao, it gets annoying and this whole thing is already bothersome enough as is. this whole thing isn't me trying to guilt trip you or anything btw, sincerely i apologize if it does come off that way.

i always said to myself "you can't claim to truly love someone, if your willing to let their wellbeing rely on risk." pretty much risking how negative this might impact your mind or mood, im sorry. im a hypocrite. i really do truly love you, i dont know why im telling you all this, im sorry jaz, i love you

please live a life you won't regret in the end, im sorry for asking you something like this.

thank you for existing in the same period as me, it's already a chance in a million. thanks also for having the anon option in your tumblr lmao, i probably would've never said any of this to you. im sorry i did, again, btw.

i love you sincerely, jaz. that much i can say, and i know ill have been honest with myself

i love you so so very much

Anon I'm not a very good comforter for things like these, I don't have a way with words even though my favourite subject is English. But let me just say this, anon.

You are an incredibly talented person, you are special to the people who love you, you are beautiful, you are kind, and most of all, you are a very loving person. You're probably one of the most romantic people I know, anon! I love your poetry, I love your use of words. I love the asks you send me every now and then and they make me extremely happy. You are worth it.

I love you anon. I love you in a way that my mom slices apples for me to eat, I love you in a way that my cousins play Roblox with me. I love you, even if it was platonic or romantic. I love you. Saying it won't mean that you're in love with them instantly, no! It's just- we love.

I wish I lived near you as well, wherever you may be. Or whoever you may be. It's okay if you won't reveal yourself, that's alright with me. As long as you are alive and well, as long as you take care of yourself, as long as you're safe- that's enough for me, anon. You love so much, and I consume all of the things you write to me, the things you say. Because I love them, because I love you.

Please be safe, take care, I love you, anon

[kyrodo]

What do I even have left to say that I haven't yet? I'll never be able to dig up a skeleton as big as yours. How long does it take you to learn what I say fucking goes. The only twists of logic I made was any little thing that connected us. Anything that supported my misguided head canon. You twist everything else. Every small crack is a fucking chasm for you and when that's not enough you start making your own. Get fucked.

I was selective about things I shared directly correlating to every connection I made to you. Stupid things, silly things, pointless things. Names, words, themes, persona, references to anything. And you used that as an avenue of attack even when it didn't make any fucking sense. You saw far more than what was actually there and you needed to see it to believe it? When will you fucking learn. I get pissed when I'm defensive but when I'm defensive I'm telling the complete fucking truth. Every. Single. Time. And if seeing and listening to my real life along with Red is what it takes to convince you then so shall it be. I know how blatantly you were trolling me, but it still fucking hurts.

I never wanted to be written off as a martyr but here we are. Here is what your subtextual bullshitting led us to. Heavily enforced by you.

It's like Scary Movie where so much crap happens because people are ridiculously negligent, except it's real life and it's your entire group of friends. Your choices are so ridiculously bad they might as well be on purpose. Oh wait.

Pleading stupidity only gets you so far asshole. Remember when I used to skip Luke's timeline when checking the news? Cause who wants to look at a wall of hostile bullshit where you're not sure what it all means but it can't be anything good. Words that take every small thing and either express opposites or dramatically explode them. Every small scratch expressed as an amputated limb. When we're poor we're rich, when my apartment is messy it's clean, when we're discussing commission amounts it's billions of dollars in damages. Nothing is ever small to you. And it always sounds outright hostile. It's okay to be mad for me having broken a friends heart but who the fuck goes this far.

Taking into account everything I did from expressing my feelings to respecting tsprinkles and suggesting a work place that I actually did work at. As self serving as that might have been I genuinely thought it would have potentially helped his situation whether I remain in his life or not and it was a well known brand not some fake site or redirect or something.

So in the end I might have overexpressed my emotions in the open space but after all is said and done nothing I did was really that bad or unwarranted. Most of the shit that happens is heavily one sided and your side stinks the most. I might have been skulking about deleting or renaming accounts but I seem to recall you were the one making all the scummy moves. Blocking me and locking accounts, while I did juggle the two new accounts I made for people to follow to subdivide my main one, that would have been enough to stop me from seeing anything. Who knew if I would have made a third extra, but you didn't try either.

I had things I didn't try. I hardly ever tried talking to Ronnie directly because of his blatant lies whenever I tried to go into anything deep. Getting gaslighted about subtext was a constant fear with him I will never have to experience again.

Nothing says I want to be friends like lying to someone's face about obvious shit, a habit you just can't seem to fucking stop until you're permanently excommunicated. Me on the other hand.

[wack-ashimself]

I can say this on average. One out of five times a doctor did help me. But I'll tell you this much. They were almost exclusively either over my poor eyesight, which you can't really give drugs over, and ear infections, which they gave me the same prescription every time. I would genuinely say every other time a doctor interacted with me over anything else, it was not beneficial. I got steroids and x-rays over a viral infection which it did not cure at all. They admitted they couldn't do anything. I still owe $1,600 for absolutely nothing. I was tricked into getting my wisdom teeth removed, when they caused me NO pain and I will always regret that. I was tricked into waiting for my eye to be seen by a real professional, so I have permanent eye damage. Partially blind for life. I've had many family members have body parts removed even though they could have detoxified their body and got healthier if they would have kept the body part. Their lives NEVER improved after getting the body part removed, just less pain (initially). Usually a gallbladder. And I have seen first hand doctors fuck up and get my family members or loved ones directly or indirectly killed. Doctors are not taught about diets on average (let alone how our food and water is toxic), how each individual body is unique and needs to be treated as such, or did proper individual research on the same drugs they prescribe that kill. I'm tired of people acting like doctors are new age gods. No. They're human beings who went and got indoctrinated to the 'educational' college system (which not all can afford) which our government approves that we KNOW is not always accurate or safe. That's all they did. And trust me after 8 years in college, I don't blame them for not wanting to educate themselves beyond that. That's a lot of work. But because they don't do that REAL work, they're borderline softcore killers. By choice. For profit.

[vex-cti]

I lost my best friend in 2019, and I haven't been the same since. The reason it happened was all my own fault, I had become psychologically abusive and manipulative, it hit a point she had enough. It was necessary, I had to stop. For the first time in, maybe, my entire life, had I felt I had fallen so low I needed to reconsider who I was and what the fuck was I doing and why.

Turned out I had huge ego problems and temperament issues that I never knew how to handle and that was the main source. I tried apologizing to my friend, and for a while, she accepted it, and I was determined to change for the better and not fall into my previous pitfalls.

But perhaps I didn't deserve that second chance: she decided that no, the damage was already done, things just couldn't go back. It was time to end things for good.

You can't repair a broken glass.

A couple of years later I found out she had written about me: apparently she wiped out any positive memory she had and just wished me the worse.

Again, I cannot blame her.

I've struggled with friendships and relationships since: I had a different friend who also decided she had enough, after one of my outbursts of anger. I was not given another chance this time... to be fair, she was extremely dismissive of others' emotions, never even gave me a chance to talk things out. I was really trying this time, but I let the emotions carry me again.

So any time I make new relationships I'm always trying to restrain a lot, emotionally, maybe that's for good, but also makes me feel somewhat detached.

Or maybe I've matured, I don't know, it's been long since I've had an outburst or hurt someone, I guess that's good.

But part of me always fears losing someone again, and that if I let my emotions show themselves too much it will only ruin things. Even if they're not the negative, harmful kind.

I sometimes still see myself as the monster that hurt his own friend out of jealousy when she did not deserve at all on top of all of the shit she had to deal with.

I remember it began with a sense of protection, which became possesiveness... what a fool I was.

I've talked to a friend about it and she says the only way for me to move on is to stop shitting myself and forgive.

I don't know if I can forgive it, but I think it's been long enough to just not let go of it.

It's hard to let go of something you're guilty of and the consequence is permanent, it feels undeserved. But I have no other choice if I truly wish to be someone better.

She may wish me hell: but I don't.

I may not see you ever again, and that's for good, I know you don't want to.

I just want you to be happy, wherever you go, whenever you end up in. Find whatever fulls you and enjoy your life as you really deserved. I'm sorry I was not the friend you needed, I am really sorry for all the pain I caused, and I am aware apologies cannot mend that.

I'll never stop working on becoming someone better, I'll never forget the things I did and I'll never pretend I was innocent. I will carry that weight with me. I don't need to see you again. I do cherish our good memories together, and I hope you continue to make good memories with whoever you cross paths with on your life. I don't care if you wish me hell. I will never want that for you.

Four years already, feels like yesterday when I felt the stab. The realization of what I had done, the desperate attempt at fixing things, the anxiety, the crying.. and yet I know I've grown since then and I got a lot more to grow too.

It won't be the last time I remember this, hell I know this to be true. But if this is the last time I write about it directly, maybe it's appropiate to say: Goodbye.

[elliebear666]

My ideal world

So... everyone has an ideal world. An ideal this or that. I'll keep mine within the realm of like... reality. I can't just... be female. I'm transgender.

But anyway...

I wish that I could have facial feminization, after my bottom surgery, that I could get my hips widened, have top surgery. And, honestly? I wish I could safely alter my voice permanently so that I could sing with a woman's voice, and not be trapped with this one.

Also um... it's funny but, winning the lottery or gaining prestige or being famous or high status doesn't matter to me. Yes, I want to be beautiful. I do. I know that's vain but... idk. I've wished to be beautiful since I was young. But now that men call me beautiful? Idk. It's hard to accept and believe tbh. I guess the extent of that would be, not perfection but... FFS. And those other things.

Also? God... I hate to admit this because it will never happen lmao but... I wish my ex would read the posts I made about who I really, truly am. What I did. How I've worked to change. How I still desperately love her. And then? (Not even a genie can make this happen) she says, "I'm sorry for everything. I wish I could take it all back." And she starts crying and I'm crying and I beg for forgiveness like a pathetic wretch. "I can't promise I won't fuck up... but I am trying so hard to be better and healthier and safer and more stable. I don't deserve anything from you. I never believed I did... but... god I wish you would give me another chance. We can take it slow, talk about boundaries and needs and wants and everything there is to talk about. We both probably have so much more self-awareness than we did." And she says like... "I don't... I want to say yes. But..." and I'm like "Then say yes! We can go to couple's therapy! We can figure it out! I am willing to make any change... do whatever it takes! I will work on growing every single day. I will support you and love you and cherish you every moment of every day. I will see your dreams come to fruition. I will fight for you. You're a hill I would die on." And she says, "Okay. Okay. Let's do it."

^ Lmao but what's funny is... if she saw that? She'd laugh at how absurd and disgusting it is given how I acted. And she'd be right. No person in their right mind would give me another chance. Even if they HAD been madly in love with me... and the thing is? She never was 😟 I threatened her boyfriend. I threatened her. I said horrible shit to her when I split on her. And she is honestly going to be happier without me in her life. And I know that. I guess that's why I'm in so much pain. Because someone else can give her what I never could.

And then? I write and write and improve until I'm able to publish. I don't need to be a New York Times best seller. But I want to publish. One day, you know? Make enough to live comfortably. Enough to feel accomplished. Proud of myself.

Also? Um... adoption. One day, maybe? With the right person. Idk if my ex was the right person. I just... I wanted to know who she really was. I don't feel like she ever let me know her, ya know? Anyway, I want... a girl. Maybe a girl and a boy. My mom is there to help me make the right choices.

I have a... normal job too. Outside of writing. Like... idk what exactly, but something I don't get depressingly bored about, you know? Or depressed about lol

I think it would be amazing to like... see more of the world with my lover. Take them to Rome and Paris, to Scotland. Make love in quaint hotels every night, passionate and loving, kissing and moaning as we feel each other and become one in that moment.

I don't need much else. I don't want much else. Just... a happy life. If I could share it with her? Even though I know that even wishful thinking of that happening is borderline delusional.

I'll never see her again.

But! This is my ideal world. But life isn't ideal. Life isn't fair or just or... any of that.

She'll never know who I am. And she'll never care. And she will grow old and grow and I'll never be a part of it, though I desperately wish I could see the person she becomes every subsequent day for the rest of our lives.

Instead... I pushed her away because I was jealous. Like a... pathetic piece of shit loser.

No apology I ever give will fix the damage I've done and I know that. But? I will still wish for it. And long to have her in my arms. Instead, she has found love in the arms of someone that deserves her. Maybe they won't be as... obsessed as I am but... I hope they love her right.

Treat her right or I swear to God I will eat your fucking heart.

[k0rii]

𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐛𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬

Warnings: Forced pregnancy, Forced marriage, sex, abuse, manipulation, Unplanned pregnancy older man/younger woman, forced sex.

ᵖᵃʳᵗ ᵒⁿᵉ

𝑷𝒊𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒐 - 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑱𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓

You wait, for what seems likes years since you've seen your, 'Lover'.

It was an arranged marriage, well forced to the bride of the first Harbinger, Pierro, also known as The Jester. You never had a say in any of it, never like you had one in the first place. Only to be told you'd marry him by your mother, the Tsaritsa..

Pierro was actually the one who gave the Tsaritsa the idea of the arranged marriage. He had his eyes, well eye, on you since he was introduced to you, and was order to protect you from assassins, treasure hoarders, and anything or anyone who would want to kill you. His obsession grew by the years, so when it was time for the wedding, you could what was going on in his sick head.

Once you said the words "I do", it was permanent, you were now his Lover, his wife, you were finally his, and he would make sure nothing, not even the Tsaritsa, not his plans, would get in the way to have you all for himself. Sadly, he had to leave before you could go on your honeymoon, so he's been waiting to come to you for awhile

Finally he came back. He looks to try and find your beautiful eyes, and he did, Pierro walks towards you, a quite very small smile on his face. You looked a little happy to your husband, at least glad to see him alive and breathing.

He looks down into your eyes, your face in his hands.

Leaning closer together, you both kiss one another, not breaking apart. Soon one kiss turns into many, then into a passionate, small, make out session.

Both break the steamy kiss, to catch their breaths.

"My love, you have no idea how long I've waited for you to come home. I thought the worst- but I never gave up hope.."

He looks at you again, with loving eyes.

"Wife, I shall show you how much I've missed you. I'll take you to our bedroom.." He growls, nipping your neck.

You blush, your cheeks already red as it is from the cold, but now even more red from his comment..

.

.

.

ⁿˢᶠʷ

The room was filled with sounds, mostly your moans, which Pierro found cute as he thrusts in and out of. Each thrust more rough than the last.

"O-oh, fu-" You moan when he takes a nipple in his mouth, tease the harden bud.

"My my. What a- shit- dirty mouth you have, my love.." He growls.

He then starts to move more faster, making you scream out in pleasure. Pierre was going to cum inside you! Not caring what you say. You would have his children, it was your job, as his wife.

"Pierro! Oh, Archons- make me cum, please! I'm close!"

"As you wish, for tonight, I will make you mine.." He growls out once again...

𝑪𝒂𝒑𝒊𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒐 - 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑪𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒂𝒊𝒏

Everyone always asked. How in the hell did you marry the number two Harbinger?!

By force.

You both met at a bar, got drunk, had sex.

Once you woke, you saw the man you slept with still asleep. That's when you saw the armor on the floor, this man was one of the Harbingers, you boss, Capitano.

You soon left as quickly as you could. Leaving him behind. Luckily, you were wearing a disguise, so he probably couldn't have recognized you. You pray to the Archon's he didn't. That's when the worst happened..., 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗴𝗻𝗮𝗻𝘁..

Not only did you sleep with a Harbinger, but now, you were caring his child.

He already knew, actually planned to make you bear his child. Capitano knew abo you, your life, your family, everything..

He always ordered some random Fatui guards to follow you, and to keep tabs on you. That's when he forced you to become his. Capitano told you he fire you, and make sure your family would die, the only thing you'd have to do was be his bride, his wife...

So, you really had no choice but to become his.

But, once your child was born, it was a living nightmare. When the child got a little older, the kid started to act like his own father. Not only that, but if you even made one mistake, he would fuck you, or lock you in a room with no food or water, just left you there in the dark, banging the door and begging to be let out.

He would abuse you, and would break you into submission. You thought to yourself, maybe he was the devil himself

.

.

.

ⁿˢᶠʷ

"Do you love me fucking you!"

Your eyes filled with tears, already falling down. Your mouth agape, not being able to speak. Capitano smirks, looking at his wife's red face, not able to handle the pleasure.

Only moans and screams would come out if you tried to speak. You felt your orgasm getting closer by the second, but you couldn't do anything to tell him to keep going, but you, you didn't have to, he knew you close.

"Cum, cum for me my wife.." He growls out as you tighten around him.

Your scream could probably be heard all of around castle, but Capitano didn't care. He soon thrusted in and out of you again, more rough than before.

"Oh, you thought I was done. You must be stupid if you'd think I was done with you for tonight, wife.."

Then he quickens his pace.

You better be prepared, for tonight, you'd be seeing stars, and not the stars you in the night sky...

• • •

ᴀ/ɴ: ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴜʏs ᴇɴᴊᴏʏᴇᴅ, ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴛᴡᴏ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ᴏᴜᴛ sᴏᴏɴ!! ʙʏᴇ!