Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
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Ankh-Morpork Dashboard Simulator
happy 40th anniversary everyone 🥳🥳
🌅peach-bi-street
who’s that watchman who’s kinda skrunkly
🐀↺riverrat Follow
helen.
HELEN. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NOBBY NOBBS.
🌅↺peach-bi-street
oh yeah
#are you gonna look at me and tell me that im WRONG?
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🚹humantwitter Follow
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💌postal-service-top Follow
saw the postmaster today in his stupid gold suit. hes so hot
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i don’t get why people say this he’s the most average looking guy ever. his WIFE however
#you know that post that’s like ur at a lesbian bar and a hot older woman is smoking #and ur like. ‘can yuo put that out on me’ #yeah
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do you guys think the patrician has a secret blog
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No, but I bet his secretary is on studyblr
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are you kidding me the patrician is definitely on tumblr. brb committing treason so i can compliment his shoelaces
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peer-reviewed tags
#lord vetinari if ur reading this is legally a joke #wear an owl pin if ur one of us
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Ankh-Morpork Heritage Post
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trainhoe-deactivated19890205
hot take but i kind of think the guild of assassins and thieves are problematic. like one of them you could ruin someone’s life and the other one you’re literally KILLING people. i know rich people are delusional but i can’t believe they literally think the best school for their kids is murder college.
🐲essential-dragons Follow
assassins got them
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Do Robots Dream of Eternal Sleep? . . . . . .
Transcript:
YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL,
OUTSTRETCHED LIKE ANTENNAS TO HEAVEN.
YOU WERE BEYOND YOUR CREATORS.
YOU REACHED OUT FOR GOD,
AND YOU FELL.
NONE WERE LEFT TO SPEAK YOUR EULOGY.
NO FINAL WORDS, NO CONCLUDING STATEMENT.
NO POINT.
PERFECT CLOSURE.
THIS IS THE ONLY WAY IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED.
From the second half of the hidden passage in 7-4: …LIKE ANTENNAS TO HEAVEN from ULTRAKILL.
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