#IVE BEEN SO BAD WITH MONEY THIS MONTH IM AN ASS

[cavity-collector]

i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit

[skunkes]

i think about that person who said they like the way i draw knees every time i draw knees

[microwavetoaster-selfships]

Gonna treat myself to some yummy peanut M&Ms today when I get home from work<3

[moonlightviigil]

SORRY IVE DIED

There has been SO MUCH happening back to back in my personal life and im just... so tired

i moved out of my mom's house last year to get away from a very stressful situation, and then immediately thrusted into yet ANOTHER stressful situation with my current roommate.

granted, i don't blame them for getting injured at work, but what i don't appreciate at all is that they pretty much stopped looking for work. its been about three months now that they don't have a job. leaving me to pay for full rent, my own car payments, food, gas, etc. all by myself. mind you, i work a shit minimum wage job, ALSO partially physically disabled myself... yet im still able to do what i need to do for the both of us.

they left me for two weeks without telling me, leaving me to take care of their cats, which is fine... if i was told anything. but nope. im not making money here at all since i have to spend it all on their rent and my own stuff.

it stresses me out because im the one doing the main cleaning of the place and working, while they have done nothing but play games, get high, and go over to their partners houses.

we have had a discussion about this, and it turned into me being the bad guy. they claim that (in their words, not mine) "no one wants to hire the adhd cripple."

them knowing fully well that this is the shit i wanted to get away from when i was living with my father, so i didnt have to take care of a grown ass adult who is fully capable of doing things, moved out, moved in with them to take care of their crumbling relationship with their ex, and now back to the 24/7 maid and wallet.

ive tried to talk to them about how this makes me feel, but i guess im in the wrong because they have a fucked up back and cant do anything... but they can. they feel good enough to go to their partners place... so whats stopping them from getting a job.

so just for my own sanity, im going to be making plans on moving back in with my mom so i can help her out since she got majorly fucked over by my father. i can at least have my own freedom back when i go back since my father moved out.

theres so much more on my plate that i havent mentioned. but its whatever. im just so tired of being everyones fucking maid

[fltwoodsmonster]

rare vent post bc im feeling insane

idk ive been so so so so busy in lab this summer which normally would be great except my prelim is in September and so im stuck constantly feeling like im not doing enough studying and my memory is still soo bad so i need to review things but i need to READ things before I can think about reviewing them. and my prelim written portion revisions are due a week from tomorrow and ik ill turn it in no problem but i feel like i am NOT ready for my prelim itself, i feel like i know nothing and im going to fail bc my memory is so bad and im really bad at remembering the names of authors and citing shit off the top of my head and im SO busy and i dont feel like i have enough time to prepare but also i just want to get this shit over with and also i want to bash my skull in with a metal bad and also i want to drop out but not really only bc i feel so anxious about my prelim. oh my god. im so anxious about my prelim.

and im on a weed break tonight because ive been smoking a lot more lately but also its like the only way ive been able to turn my brain off and actually RELAX after work, but the fact that i want to do it so often makes me feel like im getting addicted to it (is 4 puffs a night of a THC vape a lot??? i dont actually know!!!!) or that others are gonna judge me for it but also i just want to be able to turn off my brain after having it on all day long. i cant tell if im relying on it too much or relying on it medicinally and its really helping or if i just suck ass stink head bad self control and just want to smoke weed. idk if im being too catholic about this.

ALSO im almost certain im either coming out of or still experiencing a depressive spike recently bc im eating and sleeping a lot more and i dont have a ton of interest in anything rn (recently alleviated by finally draw a bit again which is a good sign) but im also like okay should i try to see abt getting my antidepressants increased???? but also we're tight on money this month so i dont want to go to the doctor bc that costs money aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

in summary, i feel like this

also my birthday is next week but i couldnt give less of a crap bc im so busy. three cheers for being in ur late 20s! aahhghhhh

[manie-sans-delire-x]

rants about random things that are bothering you

Oh man what isnt?

-I wanna play Baldur's Gate so bad!! But my dumb ass computer doesnt have enough free space for it and I dont want to fuck it up by deleting random computer shit it might need, as Ive done before

-my toe has been fucked up for a year but my job hopping ass doesnt have health insurance and I dont want to be tricked into a huge bill

-I think I may legitimately have an addiction problem to THC /other drug abuse and its actually ruining my life progress, as embarrassing as it is

-Speaking of unhealthy addictions I need to stop watching porn, Ive been addicted to hardcore shit since 14, its not good for my mental health or sexuality and its hypocritical of me since I dont support porn in theory

-Still dont know if Im straight, asexual, demisexual, just traumatized, or whatever

-I need to find a new job and actually stay there longer than 4 months

-I need to get on birth control before I start with my new john, but again, insurance issue

-I need to decide whether its worth the money to keep going to my new therapist. I have little faith in therapy helping me, let alone from a student therapist that cant be much older than I am

-I need to fix my taxes. I really hope theyre not about to get on my ass about side income

-I need to fix my debt, its growing

-I am so god damn chronically dissociated from everything

-I need to decide if I want to go back on Prozac, stay off, or try another antidepressant once I get health insurance

-I need intensive psychological treatment for symptoms of chronic depression, OCD, poor eating habits, ASPD, attachment issues, old and recent trauma, and nowhere to get it

-I need a haircut

------

Damn I actually wasnt planning to say anything sensitive but it kinda felt good to list it all out. Thanks! Hope you're having a better time than I am.

[oncominggstorm]

Im autistic & adhd. Also have undiagnosed physical health issues which been acting up lately. Really not doing well, need help. Currently in shutdown, include verbal shutdown. And struggling type, forgive grammar plz. Need help & support, but is none. Don’t know what do. Everything feel impossible. Long vent under cut.

Want run away, somewhere no one can find. Somewhere quiet & alone, with internet & tv so can watch comfort shows, play comfort games, etc. But will turn off phone, or get new number, or just block all family except younger sister on everything, or something, idk. Want comfy bed & comfy chairs & good temperature control & good food, and just quiet & solitude. Preferably somewhere out in nature. Let everyone figure out their own shit without me. Can’t do this anymore. ONLY things keeping me from doing are younger sister & lack of money. Mom & twin sister need figure shit out on own, can’t handle anymore. Can’t do.

Dont have a job or any money at all, literally only have $5 (and well over $20k in credit card debt, in collections). Am in autistic burnout & have been for nearly 3 years now. Had quit job in May cuz burnout so bad. But still expected take care of entire family.

Live with dad & twin sister (will call twin). Dad extremely NT & able bodied, dont understand me/twin at all. Knows nothing about autism/adhd & unwilling to learn. Pays bills & does chores so that is helpful, but not willing do any other support. Doesn’t believe in mental health.

Mom & younger sister (will call younger) live with grandma. Younger is 12 yrs younger, i basically raised. Feel almost more like parent than sister. Also is best friend & person i care most about in world, would die for her. Hate seeing her suffer. Twin & younger both also autistic & adhd, and neither have job. Grandma has moderate (bordering on advanced) dementia & need 24/7 supervision & support. Younger currently has busted knee, on crutches & really struggling & lot of pain. Mom refusing to believe is as bad as is, thinks younger is exaggerating, barely helping her. Ive been having drive over nearly daily to help. Mom had multiple strokes 2 years ago, still has both cognitive & physical challenges as result, & just lost job. Mom almost deffo undiagnosed autistic/adhd but refuses to believe. Doesnt believe younger is either (she still undiagnosed, me & twin formal diagnosed recently). Mom never great person, but got much worse after strokes, is mean & bordering on verbally abusive to us (and is DEFFO verbal abusive to grandma). Also has horrible memory & cognitive issues, doesnt understand things correctly, half of what she says doesn’t make sense, makes helping her hard.

Twin sick rn, lots of stomach issue & pain. Found out few months ago has enlarged spleen, but no answer yet, cant see specialist til Dec. Twin also has medical anxiety, so hard to know for sure what is real & what isnt. Every day twin ask me for MULTIPLE favors; get things for her, do things for her, etc. Also get MULTIPLE txts every day complaining about not feeling well, yet she refuse go doctors. Counted once a few days ago: in 11 hour period, asked for 7 favors & texted 13 times about pain.

Even when not sick tho, twin basically never help. Feels like she think I “less disabled” than her, not true. I doing horribly and still have take care everyone else while she sits on couch play video games & ask me to bring her things. No one ever bring ME things. Twin NEVER return favor no matter how bad I do/how well she do. One sided only.

Today twin ask for SO MANY THINGS, CONSTANTLY. Doesnt seem to care that I not doing well either & just CANNOT handle, keeps asking anyway. I tell her how bad am doing & immediately she ask for more favors. Won’t shut up about how sick she is (feeling very “wrong” w/stomach issues, has enlarged spleen but don’t know why yet & is worried that is cause), and says she is NOT OK, and that something is VERY wrong & she is worried she is dying, but also won’t get her ass to ER. Also expect /ME/ take her AND go in with, if decides go. Told her has to ask mom or dad first. Now just won’t go, and instead just keep complain to me about how bad doing & keep asking for help with stuff.

On top of that, am constant worried about all shit mom needs to do: get grandma house in her name so can keep (rn bank gets when grandma dies due to 2nd mortgage or something idk, which will make mom & younger homeless), get grandma car in her name (mom hasnt had own car in like 6+ yrs, just uses gma’s), figure out her unemployment (applied but no check yet cuz needs submit weekly proof of job applications & doesnt know how), get guardianship for grandma (mom never even got power of attorney, and is too late now cuz grandma cant understand to sign, so rn we just stuck cuz grandma not capable make decisions, but legally we cant make for her either), update her resume, get help for grandma, etc. Most of it fall to me. Mom kind of person who just WILL NOT do things, no matter how much help u give (ex: was trying get her accommodations for her job after strokes so wouldnt lose job. Explained process multiple times, both verbally & in writing. Figured out who she needed contact for help & wrote out email for her, ALL she had do was copy & paste & send email. Didnt do it. Now fired cuz couldnt keep up w/out accommodations). Mom also no longer even ask for help, just tells us we are doing. Ex: said to me “I’m going to come over tomorrow so you can help me do my job searches for unemployment.” Just tells me I’m doing it, not even ask. Sick of it. Grandma have dementia, at point where cannot even shower or wash hands, we have no support at all, doing everything ourselves. ADRC says only way to get grandma help is to put lien on her house & sell to pay off when she dies, but mom & younger live with grandma so that would make them homeless once she dies. Says we can’t even get occasional respite care unless give up house, let alone regular in home care.

Just can’t handle anymore. Feel like am being broke into thousand pieces, or crushed by thousand lb weights. Feel stuck. Feel like no choices, no good options, no way out. Want run away. Want take younger & her cat & find cabin in woods somewhere & just go run away from everything/everyone else. But can’t, no money. Feel so stuck. No help. No support. Don’t know what do.

[trickstarbrave]

i dont wanna bug op but like

to the person who rbed from me specifically and posted these tags:

#this is hilarious because dricing the speed limit is not gonna get you hit..#you really think ppl will rear end you because Youre drivimg the speed limit?#do you understand that if you get rear ended it is quite literally always their fault unless they have PROOF#that you intentionally break checked them?#rear end is always the person in backs fault i havent ever heard it ruled another way and thats how my accident was ruled w no investigation#no one will read end you because they know it would ruin their life#theyd be out a car theyd get a ticket and possibly arrested you sue them and then they cant ever replace that car#literally they cant because the used car market is nuts#no one is going to hit you guys like cmon thats the worst excuse ive ever heard#you guys are really so impatient that travelling 20x the speed you could generate on your own is too much??#jesus christ...#this is why i dont make friends this behavior is ridiculous and if i get in a car w someone and their speeding all over#im getting out of the car and were not friends anymore like you dont invite someone in your vehicle and drive unsafe w them

you are correct that getting rear ended is almost always gonna have you ruled as Not At Fault. i actually recently got hit in the rear of my car. cops ruled me not at fault. i had to CHASE DOWN THIS WOMAN'S FUCKING INSURANCE TO GET THEM TO PAY FOR MY CAR. and do you know what they said? they said the car wasn't worth fucking fixing. they said it was totaled. it wasn't even that fucked up. but apparently repairs were FAR beyond what the car was worth despite buying a new vehicle costing WAY MORE THAN THAT. this debacle took literally MONTHS trying to resolve. eventually i had to get my dad involved, go to MY insurance, get the money up to what they determined my fucking car was worth, and then pay for the rest of the repairs out of fucking pocket.

i guess i could have chased this old woman down in small claims court for the fucking difference but 1. i dont think the court would have given a shit and decided its MY problem my vehicle is apparently worth only 1k dollars 2. she's an old woman that only hit me because she had fainted earlier, was trying to show her friend how to back up the car bc her breaks were fucked up, accidentally hit the gas too hard while disoriented, and hit my car. she was already at fault for her friend's medical bills. do you think i wanted to be the bad guy hounding some old woman for fucking money.

also like. it doesn't matter if they are at fault and we are going at the designated highway speed limit of 65-70 mph here. that is going to completely destroy the back of my car, potentially flip my vehicle or at the very least cause me to go off road, and i might actually die. "oh that won't happen grow up--" ive been in a near fatal car accident WITHOUT someone fucking read ending me on the highway. my wheel locked up when i was trying to make a pass and i ended up going off road and crashing into a tree. i was lucky it wasnt me going off road off a fucking mountainside bc those are common here and would have meant absolute certain death. sure they will go to jail for manslaughter but i dont want a pyrrhic fucking victory jackass i wanna live

i have driven the speed limit before. i had ppl up my fucking ass who then pass me and flip me off or deliberately made a point to drive close to the side of my vehicle in a passing lane to intimidate me. "but thats illegal they can't do that" astute observation shithead. do you think when i am worried about Not Dying as someone who has Nearly Died In A Car Accident Before because some jackass has decided killing both of us is a valid response to a mild inconvenience i wanna try and get their fucking license plate and call the cops who will tell me "we'll look into it" and do fucking nothing?

i would really genuinely love to not live in a shit place like this. our car centric infrastructure is also done in a way that de-incentivizes actually going the speed limit for most ppl (did you know ppl slow down if the streets are more narrow naturally? yeah they also speed the fuck up if there are like 7 fucking lanes on this road). people here drive like maniacs. i've also nearly been killed for even dumber reasons than someone deciding to ride my ass down the highway like coming to a complete fucking stop on the highway leading to me having to swerve into 2 other lanes. and i was GOING THE SPEED LIMIT DURING THIS INCIDENT.

tl;dr:

"someone might rear end you bc u live in a place with insane ass drivers? yeah right thats illegal, people can't do that!"

[decadentrot]

OH HELLO IM BACK （＾∀＾●）ﾉｼ

uuugh sorry for 3 month hiatus lmao (enjoy this lil drawing i made :D)

Ok RL update time: was busy with figuring out my finaid situation for college, then getting scammed by a dude and having to create a whole new bank account :( which ultimately just sucked the money from my wallet the motivation to draw out of me and then when i was pulling myself together, i was suddenly busy celebrating my friends being back home from their college (wooo!) and then my roommates and i were apartment hunting for college. We managed to find a decently cheap apartment (well as cheap as it can be for a city on the outskirts of LA lmao) and we finally got approved and accepted and signed the lease! Most of my college stuff is getting figured out and ive been getting more motivated to art and now i luckily have more free time on my hands too!

Ive been having more personal time now, so hopefully i can draw more fandom fanart (lately ive mostly been doing OC stuff but honestly idk if i want to include my OCs here or just keep it fandom only) I do have some bad news, my Summertime Comic will continue to be put on hiatus just cause i need to do more research :') Looking over my outline, i was very ambitious with the story and topics i wanted to juggle. I do want to make it relatively accurate well as accurate as it can be for a made up town inspired by 1970s Germany can be So i dont want to continue the story right now with my half assed research and possibly offend/possibly hurt anyone with my ignorance on these sensitive/political topics and worldbuilding. That being said, I understand hiatuses kinda suck so i might just create an alternate ending that strays away from these deeper topics and try to keep the plot strictly "Forger family reconciliation" just for the sake of having closure to the story, and then when i have more time to do ample research, I'll draw out the "true ending" of what i wanted to happen. Or I might even just take parts and pieces of the original plot and simplify it to make it more easy for me to draw and so it'll have the remnants of my OG vision of the story. I'm still undecided but i really really do like the story and i dont want to entirely abandon it :)

I think mentioned it in my last comic post that i already had the draft done of the next part and that is true, so now that i have more time ill clean up the linework on that part and post it at some point (hopefully by this month) ((let me give you a lil sneak peak. also ik it looks angsty but i swear its a sweet wholesome part with family feels <3))

Anyways TDLR: im back and i got most of my rl stuff figured out and i want to use the rest of my summer break to draw fun comfort fanart things that ik i wont have as much time for when i attend college. So yea get ready for an influx of fandom brainrot ผ(•̀_•́ผ) Hope yall enjoy the art and have a wonderful rest of the day and remember to stay hydrated in these hot summer days!

[stonerzelda]

Petty rant below dw abt it im just annoyed lolll

I ordered a keyblade replica for my bf almost a full year ago and kept giving the ppl i bought it off of the benefit of the doubt bc they said one of them was down with covid and they were massively backed up so ofc im gonna be understanding of that and ive literally been overly forgiving and kind to them but they have been so ass at keeping me posted on updates like . I have to ask Them when they said theyd be the ones letting me know lol. Finally since itll be a year in less than a month i messaged them like "hey guys just checking in, as its about to be a full year since i ordered and im still not sure if or when ill be revieving this? Please let me know" like the SLIGHTEST tone-shift ive shown and immediately they changed theirs too as if i offended them and its like. Bro. I have been INCREDIBLEY nice to you wishing you well trying to help out giving you more time than anybody else would and youre gonna pull that shit. Ok. That was no small amount of money man, if it were me taking that from somebody id be updating them EVERY step of the way not keep them in the dark and then try to make them feel bad for being worried!!! Fucks sake!!!

[asbestieos]

we used to be friends, way before, and like, wow, youve gone so far, proud of you

🥹🥹🥹 oh my goodness!! anon if youre who i think you are (i am somewhat confident in my silly hunch), im so happy to know youre still out there even if we dont talk anymore!!! admittedly i have the most terrible memory ever so i barely remember much of our time together (i wish i remembered more!! but as is, i cant even remember the last time i showered lmfao) but since its been such a long time, i hope its ok if i give you a Riley Life Update of the past.. two, three years? <- it feels like it has been longer than that 😭😭

2020!! i graduated!! i enrolled in school! i girlslayed hard! however due to World Events, i cant go to school in person and am relegated to online classes in my room </3 unfortunately im also in the deepest depths of my genshin phase and ran both my own And denver’s acc. sometimes i paid for her acc’s battlepass too it was bad DBDKBFJ

2021! girlslaying starting to fail from burnout and severe depression from being shut in! i passed my first semester exams with flying colors! i failed all but one of my second semester exams. also come january im both afflicted with covid and experiencing a bad bed bug infestation. #girlsuffering. i dropped out in the summer ^_^ this is when the terrible moodswings hit (i thought they were moodswings but as it turns out, i was incredibly emotionally unstable!! more on this later)

2022!! last year oh my gosh! denver and jasper/moth and i started talking about moving in together, which requires me to have money of course. so aprilish i get a job! i work at starbucks! i girlslay REALLY hard. i also start playing ensemble stars (the beginning of my curse……..). come july i had a massive breakdown and almost broke up with denver and our mutual friend group 👍 it was Bad bad.. but things worked out? <- this experience has led me to believe im probably a bpd haver becos of how wildly unstable i am. fun! crasy asf!

moving plans fall through as summer goes by, im still employed at my job, still havent gotten my license yet but it is ok i will get it soon, and come 2023, moving plans are back on!! hopefully will be seen-through ny the time summer comes…

tldr i have bpd, i dropped out and got a job, im gay a shit over idol bot gacha game, and by summer, ill hopefully be moved in with denver!! yeha those are the important updates! for me at least. randys in college now btw!!! in her sophomore year!! shes incredible truly! she lives on campus so i usually only see her once a month or so but shes literally awesome ^_^

very long update post and i made it all about me 💔 theres history between us that ive unfortunately forgotten and im sad that ive forgotten (then again i could always read back, but every time ive tried, ive only cringed at myself like OOGH is that me?? sickening) but im really glad to have gotten this anon!! if youre not the person i think you are thats okay and also i am sorry i assumed UEGEJVFDJF i needed this i think to try and reflect back on. the crazy ass time my newrly three years of adult life has been.. im 21 in july!!! crazy as hell!

i also hope the formatting is ok, i try to break up big paragraphs w/o starting a brand new one for the sake of readability <:] i think i mightbe learned that from you? i dont remember though guwbddjjd.. but i think about you on the occasion as i do with everyone ive ever met ever and im glad to know youre still kicking it like i am.. life is rough a hell 💔

theres not enough words i can say that can make up for not remembering us too well and also for saying and doing hurtful things to you if theres one thing ive not forgotten, its that i was not a very nice person way back when. but i hope now youre in a better place and you have friends who love you just as much as i did and still do!!

i have to go to work but uuwheuehehhehehrhfht thank you for reaching out anon i hope this post was nice to read and feel free to live in my inbox for forever, even if you wanna stay anonymous forever i dont mind! if youre not the person i was thinking of, rest well with the joy that youve given me a moment to reflect on myself euwhhwrh but if you ARE the person i was thinking of. im sorry i hurt you. and thank you!! i love you!! im glad you were a part of my life. i hope your day is good and your tomorrow is better!! live in my inbox if it pleases you!!

EDIT: FROGOR TO SAY IM PROUD OF YOU TOO 👍

[aamethyst000]

feeling so blue right now, i feel kind of stupid about it lmao - july 2,24 - 7:12pm

Dude, my 3DS fricken broke a couple of days ago and ive been sad about it ever since lmao i was almost done with my master quest on OoT!! how abosultely frusturatingg is THAT?! i was at the last temple, getting to the very last sage before finding out who sheik's other identity is. i didnt even get to start over on majoras mask or kirby. Now im on the look out for a new DS, whether it be a 2DS or a 3DS again i'll decide that when i know i have enough money for it. which will take a long while because i still dont have a goddamn job EVEN THOUGH ive applied to 3!!!! other jobs this year but absolutley no one has answered me. i fucking hate it when they just ghost me like that. i'd rather have them telll me striaght up that im not "fit" for the position i apllied for, or simply just not hired. that's all i want! not this no answer IS an answer bullshit. anyway, hired or not, im still going to be without a handheld concol for a good couple of months. maybe. it depends. i Just started decorating my 3ds with pretty stickers :( i literally wanted to go cry about it, only to be slapped with reality, about how old my 3ds is, that just made me mad lmao because my older brother's dsi is lasting LONGER and it is F I V E years OLDER than my 3ds!!! like, fuck off xD oh well, nothing i can do about it now, considering i dont even have enough money for just the repairs alone. so, im just going to buy a new ds instead. i know that is not any cheaper, but i'm impatient and i really want to finish my file on the master quest!! dammit!!

9;25pm - i just found out i cant play any gamecube games on my laptop :( the emulator is slow and laggy which kind of sucks but i am able to play them on my phone! ive finished twilight princess three times now and im on my way to finish wind waker now, which is taking a bit but only because this is my firdt time finishing on my own with out my older brother lol its okie, im an adult (with a short temper but thats besides the point) i can do this just by looking up the quest part on either youtube or wikihow, ive done it for the heart collections on twilight. i can do it for the wind waker playthrough. which i have about 3 times so far. and i think i am doing pretty well! for my first play through by myself. i can see why i had little to no interest in it when my family actually owned the game. i only remember my older brother playing WW, the others played mario sunshine or smash bros (both are the best btw). so, i dont blame younger me for not having too much interest.

july 5,24 1:11am - SSOOOOOOO UUUUHHHHHH.......shit just got a bit chaotic today! we just found out that my brothers school isnt going to continue high school classes. so they will have to go sign up for another school, IN ANOTHER TOWN BY THE WAY. my mother and i have been mulling it over almost all day today, she says that she doesnt want my younger brother to be staying with any of our family members and i agree with her. lemme explain, one aunty of mine tends to be agressive, some times downright abusive, another aunty, emotions fly like a humming bird who drank nothing but espresso, on of my cousin has a child of her own to look after, same with my cousins sister and she has two kids, all of which my brother does not know very well and will be shy like me and not talk for a long while. make him feel like being comfortable but shy and quiet about it is bad. anyway, my mother is very iffy about sending him into town for his last year of school and i get it. the last time she did that with my older brother and shit hit the roof with him. he moved in with one of our aunty's place, stayed for a few months before finally moving out because said aunty was trying to take advantage of my brother temporarily looking after our spoilt ass nephew who looked and treated his cousins as literal maids. not only that, she tried to start a fight with him and our cousin fucking did nothing but make it worse. so yeah, i get why my mother doesn't want to send my little brother into town. why is my little brother's high school life so chaotic and none of it is even HIS fault?? like DAMN universe!! fucking take a goddamn chill pill when handling my litlle brother THANK YOU!! and for my older brother, FUCKING LEAVE HIM ALONE HE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ALREADY OR I IWLL THROW HANDS

anyway, this year has been one fckn crazy year for us, thats for goddamn sure.

july 8,24 6:35pm - i keep trying to play on the family dsi, i cant seem to stay on it long like i did with my 3ds. and i really miss my 3ds, i cant believe i have to buy another one and fucking save up for that. im planning on getting a screen protector, case and a little game case for the handheld consol. be more prepared this time and all. im just so mad the dsi is lasting longer than my fckn 3ds!! lmao just fckn RUDE! anyway, what i have in my little cart on ali express says it costs up to 205 for those things all together, i was going to look on amazon but i have doubt with their electronics and such, and it is more expensive as hell. so no thanks. i think i can wait until i have enough to buy those things for my new 3ds. i just keep onn looking at my old 3ds all sad that i cant play on it for all hours of my day. oh well, i can save up money for myself, so i can save up to get a replacement and possibly other accescories for my new ds kekekeke

i forgot to mention that i went to go hang out with my friends the other day, we had shrooms and edibles for the night, it was fckn fun and kind of upsetting lmao there were certain situations where i was questioning a lot, and other situation i just straight up did not like. other than that it was quite fun tripping pretty hard like that, however sleeping was freaking difficult lmao i was literally arguing with myself in my own head about getting to bed and sleep, i just flopped around and fucking giggled at myselef like, what the hell lmao

11:23pm - good this i double checked the 3ds for anything else that i am missing and now that ive done that, it wont turn on at all, itll just lightly beep at me almost like a whisper and then itll just shut off without the screen turning on. im even more sad lmao i cant wait till i have enough for the 3ds and the cases, i really want to finish my master quest on ocorina of time. this itch wont go away until i do. i should clean my room and start on the towels soon. the house is starting to look like a tornado went into our house and i so can tell that none of us are liking it so i am hoping that one or all of us finall gather our energy to clean up the house again. we need it and the pets really need it too. i know that the messyness is affecting us all to the point we \re getting cranky. so, yeah, we need to clean up. this will help my brain get over the guiltiness of buying myself this new handheld consol and the fact that i am using a little bit of my savings. i already have cashed out a couple moolas from the band office but no more than that. i still do not trust my little brother around my savings still. so ill be keeping some in my bank while slowly cashing them out when he doesnt know that i am going there or why. to which i only go to the band office during school days. speaking of, i still dont think that he wont be able to go and graduate on time unless i move to rupert. and if i do that, that may mean that ill have to talk to my alchoholic "dad" about helping me move to an apartment and then sign my little brother up to the highschool but the thing is, the school education there is way different than the one he is used to and grew up in. which sucks cause i was excited for him to gradutate. he only has one more year to go too! it sucks so much i wish the school is starting to get their shit together during this summer cause MY GOD!! this is ridiculous. almost no teachers in highschool? i stilll cant get over that!!! any way this will be the last journal entry for a bit, good night/day readers!

[navire190413]

i am exhausted. i really need to stop drinking so much. i almost didnt make it into work today just because i wanted to sleep more. probably since i've been going to bed around 2 every night. i really gotta adjust my life style soon or i feel like there will be serious consequences somehow.

ive been considering giving up on x-chan. its been 4 months since we broke up, and then 3 months as "friends", where we're just doing this stupid game of ohhh we like eachother so much one week then dont like each other the next week, repeat. we met up after work yesterday and went to 神田 to go to 神田屋. idk why we even went there, x-chan hates chain izakayas. we only had one drink then decided to walk to 秋葉原。we found another chain izakaya to go to since they allow smoking at your seat. usually when we're together he always holds my hand, but he didnt reach for it at all last night, so i didnt reach for his either. i felt like, oh maybe its actually over now and we're just actually going to act like friends and not be all ラブラブ like we are most of the time. 

we left pretty early after having 2 mega lemon sours and some food. he was exhausted from work and was basically falling asleep at the table. we said bye and didnt kiss or anything. i went to my usual bar for a drink or two before going home. most of the usual people were there but i mostly just drank by myself and played with my phone. i was too exhausted and over thinking everything to even try to communicate in japanese. 

i texted x-chan while i was there saying i wanted to hold his hand earlier but didnt know if it was okay or not so i refrained. he told me its always okay and he likes when i do it, so i guess i will from now on. i also told him i still like him and after i got drunk i asked him to please tell me if he ever starts talking to a girl romantically so i can stop pursuing him out of respect for the both of them. he agreed, so i guess i should stop worrying about if he's talking to anyone until he tells me he is. 

my old drinking buddy ended up coming to the bar while i was there and we drank until 11:30, which is why im so fucking exhausted today. he's american from texas and has been in japan for less than a year. he's kind of sort of studying japanese but he hasnt really made much progress lately haha. he teaches english and is stuck in that terrible cycle. i couldnt do it. all of the people i know who are english teachers are miserable and on the verge of offing themselves. the pay is too low and their hours too long and they have weird ass fucking contracts with barely any time off. i definitely got lucky when i decided to go to language school. but also extremely lucky i had the means to save up for it and afford it. i love japan but i dont love it enough to become an english teacher just for a visa. i would absolutely move back to the states before i even considered teaching english as a job. which is why i was so panicked the entire time i was job hunting. 

im sure if i didnt come to work today it would have been fine, but i had a cold two weeks ago and something about me missing 3 days of work in a month when i just got my work visa 2 months ago doesnt sit right with me. i got ready in 10 minutes today so i could sleep in the max amount of time possible and didnt even bother with makeup. i really gotta get my shit togetherrrrrrr. x-chan also doesnt want to drink as much anymore and wants to save money, so if i stop hanging out with him as much i wont be drinking as much or spending as much money either. but if i dont hang out with him as much, he'll start hanging out with other girls! i dont think he will but my ocd is killing me. i want to give up so bad. i tried my hardest to make things right between us, but they keep going from good to bad and then from bad to good and i am frankly emotionally exhausted. he texted ME good morning today, and that made me more happy than it should have. i need to stop wasting my emotional resources on this and focus on myself. its so hard. 

i think im gonna go pray at a temple this weekend. it usually helps me clear my head and i feel like my luck usually turns around when i do. fighting the urge to look up 縁結び祈願 temples because i should pray about getting my life together, not getting back with x-chan haha. i typed this then immediately invited him to go with me.

i do the money management and accounting at my job. im still being trained on how they like their stuff organized and how to do everything the right way in japan. japan's tax system is so complicated compared to how "streamlined" it is in the states. also having to add up big amounts of money here is kind of comical. so many 0's. so. many. 0's. also dont ask me to say any number larger than 999万円 outloud because it takes me like 10 seconds to count from the end of the number and backwards to understand if its 万 or 億.

i need to go shooting soon. i have a photo series in mind, but it requires me being out all night long until like 6am, and i dont feel comfortable doing it alone since random men always approach me when im by myself so im kind of relying on my friends to go with me. i also keep blowing off my friends to hangout and try to woo x-chan. my life is a mess. i also need to study instead of drinking every night. and i need to not go to the bar as much so i can save up to move. and and and and. and i need to buy more film for my camera. and i want to play pokemon in my free time. and i need to study more japanese grammar for my job because im forgetting a lot of it now that im not going to school everyday. and and and and. i need to go to the grocery store after work today.

yesterday on my way to the station after work, there was a guy puking on the sidewalk. first thought was, okay gross? and at 5:30? kind of fucking early to be hammered… then i looked at his vomit and it was a giant amount of unchewed ramen noodles. like. so so so much. we made eye contact and that man was in PAIN. i wonder if he just overate or something instead of being drunk 😂 that image of those fucking noodles will stay with me forever.

i need to do laundry and clean my room when i get home tonight.

[dandelion-eyelashes-sf]

I do not have wings love / i never will soaring over the world you are carryin’ / if these heights should bring my fall / let me be your own icarian carrion /

I had this song on repeat in October / November 2023 and i was unemployed and i was scared and stressed and my chest felt tight and hollow and i couldnt see how things would turn out. I was in the process of applying to a job that would potentially take me out of state and i was deeply sad and wistful and i had let down my sib big time and i was stuck and paralyzed by anxiety and couldnt stop myself from hiding in my room and i was ashamed and sick with worry and tired of myself and tired of this feeling of dread and desire. I would sit in the balcony and watch the sunset, feel the autumn cool. I was yearning for the end and yearning for that job and yearning for what it could be and praying to a god i dont believe in, promising that id make the most of the opportunity, that id use the money for good, that i wouldnt take it for granted. That id be worthy of it. Maldita pobreza la odio.

I felt guilty for wanting to leave, for wanting to escape the disappointment i created. I was sad cuz i didnt want to go either. My bank account felt like a ticking time bomb and the only way out was this job. But i didnt actually want to leave my sibling. Not after realizing how much time i let go, how much time i wasted. Why did i do that? Why couldnt i change quicker?

Its been a while since then and we’ve talked about it and seen each other and we’re good. But also i miss them and i wish i had moved under different circumstances. I feel like i only made their life harder unnecessarily during that time. All cuz why? To get a job cuz i couldnt find a job in that city, cuz i didnt get off my ass and go irl to coffee shops and stores to ask for a job. Cuz i was too scared and anxious. I dont know. I just miss them all. I miss that city. Im so tired of being anxious all the time.

-I was looking for a job and then i found a job heaven knows im miserable now-

Im not miserable, per say, but the anxiety doesnt let up. Its been about 7ish months in this new job and at this old city. And ive seen my sib a handful of times and i miss them but also know they love me. I hold on to that knowledge for dear life. I feel like i crash landed in this job and hit the ground running without pause. Ive been so tired. I been so stuck in my bad habits and vices to numb and escape. I feel like now is the first time ive been able to feel and begin to process all of that.

[coridallasmultipass]

Shit week tw mold

Im fucking screaming

I bought expensive ass lions mane to fry (ive only done this once before but it was so good) i bought expensive ass gluten free flour for this since i had to throw my old bags of flour out last summer (weevils attacked bc my mom isnt intolerant to regular wheat flour)

And now im like, okay, suck it up, youve got an injured back but we bought this fancy mushroom on wednesday and now we need to cook it (today is saturday, that's almost 4 days in my home fridge)

And i get everything set up, im about to spice the flour for breading and im like, wait. Check that the mushroom isnt totally gross (i could see it was drying out a little thru the carton slots, but i didnt look inside yet. Wouldve been fine if it was dry since i was frying it to dryness anyway)

And its got fucking mold. None of it is safe to eat, even if thats only a little mold.

Now i gotta put the flour back in the bag and cook an egg for lunch, since i cant put it back in the shell lmao

God why does this always happen to me, no matter what i do all my food goes bad before i can eat it. Ive been eating such low-effort foods for a while because i do not have the spoons to cook, and my back has been bad for a month (and went out on sunday).

This shit was expensive too. Mushrooms and flour were like $10 each. I just wanted something nice and fresh for a change, but apparently thats too much to ask when ur chronically physically and mentally ill

I dont even have another vegetable or anything to fry. Maybe a potato but that sounds gross to bread lmao. Ill just have an egg sandwich i guess!! Ugh.

On top of that its hard to eat fresh food when i cant close my teeth together. I liked getting watercress for sandwiches, but i cant bite it with my front teeth. I miss eating carrots with hummus but it hurts to eat hard vegetables because of the fibromyalgia around my teeth. Other vegetables take a lot of prep or have the same stringy quality i cant eat. Havent been able to bite things in half in a while because my teeth dont meet together in the front. Its already hard enough to try and eat sandwiches. This shit is just humiliating. Ughhhh.

I already have such bad anxiety about throwing food away, probably due to being forced to sit at the table and eat all my food as a kid. Im literally so fucking tempted to just cut the mold off rn. But im also scared of mold lmao. I have like aerophobia (fear of breathing in anything, not planes which is incorrect). I love mushrooms but spores freak me out. Ive forced myself to eat around mold before and it was really traumatizing and i dont like grapes anymore because of it (just anticipating the burst of moldy greenness every time i eat one bluhh)

I hate this so much lmao.

Someone needs to make a fridge that doesnt spoil food.

I need to stop buying fresh stuff. Its just a waste of money when i cant get to it in time. I really wish it didnt go bad so fast.

Hopefully when my teeth and jaw get fixed i can eat more fresh food

[acidic--citrus]

i didnt want to BLAST op in my last rb with an absolute Wall of tags on like, a two digit note post ,

so im just gonna.... hurl them here

CW: personal vent post, really negative thoughts look away ^^ i just have to get this written down somewhere or else ill Explode, Actually.

its been almost a year since the unfair firing incident at pr//oject moon, and for the last few, like... Months, at this point, ive just been reeeeeeaaaaaally thinking hard about the entire thing, processing overtime how bad it really was, what its a symptom of, and, looking towards the future, how i want to move on from it

coincidentally its also now a little over the 1 year mark of my getting into the p//jm games, and what used to bring me out of my depressive catatonic states has now thrown me Ass First into a Series of them

what i thought was a unique world and a lovely, hopeful narrative, i now realize was just a house-of-mirrors-esque distorted reflection of the world and society we live in

i thought they had a heartfelt and sincere underlying message in their works about humanity and connection, but with how pjm handled the real life situation and INSTANTLY bent its knees and prioritized its money-making incel fanbase over the safety and wellbeing of a Real Human Employee who had NOTHING to do with the situation, its obvious that all of it was hollow to begin with, and now just comes across as "what if capitalism.... but with cool people fighting in cool ways,.. AND monsters!!!" and i just can Not take anything the story tries to meaningfully say (if it ever was in the first place) seriously now

its all showy fireworks that fizzle out fast with nothing substantial behind them: eye candy, fanservice

and that entire ordeal, or rather reviewing the entire ordeal in my head and thinking about it agonizingly over the course of many months, really hammered it in for me that theres no way any form of entertainment out there is worth the livelihood of a real life human being

(and this is where pjm stops being as relevant, but is definitely where all of the next stuff stemmed from)

which got me thinking even further; if no happiness built off of the unhappiness of another is worth it, why does the world at large look the way it is now? call it disillusionment or waking up from my naivety, but i, keeping in mind the worlds other issues at large, like how everyone is fully and wholly documenting how a genocide is going down and the world just merely watches it unfold, realized that Ah. Truly we are So Fucked

i began spiraling further, thinking more and more and began buckling under the weight of problems too unfathomably large for anyone to tackle by themselves—could any of these even be solved within my lifetime as we are now?

to wrap things up, basically its become so so so incredibly hard to want to keep living

(that doesnt necessarily mean i want to die though; i personally make a distinction between the two)

its so hard to wake up feeling like theres something worth doing anymore

create art and make things? its hard to do that when your wrist hurts and youre so slow at everything and it feels like time passes by at x2 speed for you but everyone else seems fine and able to function and you cant help but wish you could hard reset your brain </3 its getting hard to think and articulate and imagine and process and its so discouraging for me.. i find myself wishing there were 36 hours in the day to compensate.....

enjoy a game or novel? its hard when every flicker of happiness feels so frivolous n trivial and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. like okay so i was reading like. last night, right? and everytime like something idk funny or cute happened i was instantly hit with a reality check and became insantly depressed. like what is that. thats so unfair. pit felt like i was going through moodswings in x18 speed. i could Feel the mania brain chemical get to me and then id be Ass Blasted with cortisol and brain numbness not a goddamn second later. what the fuck do you do then ?

i know ill live and all, as when i imagine myself dead or dying it doesnt feel quite right

but being comfortable and living comfortably like this, in my room, safe from the outside, that doesnt sit right with me either

eating is hard. sleeping is hard. i dont want a body. i dont want to have to take care of it. i think i want to disperse into bubbles

maybe ill start writing or something, as words seem to be what im running to for solace nowadays (<- balls deep in webnovel) since HHHHOIAUUURRGGGHHHHH...... WHY must i be an artist why must i be afflicted with the maddening urge to create at all times. i think a lobotomy would fix me

hhhaaaaaahhhh on the topic of creating and art, drawn art specifically, uuuugggghhhhhhhhh drags hand down face FUCK.... SOMETIMES I SEE A REALLY GOOD PIECE OF ART AND IM STRUCK WITH INSPIRATION AND AWE AND RESPECT AND IM LIKE ugghhhhh fuckkkk not AGAIN..... if i dont get something out of these hands right tf now...... and then i beat myself up mentally over not acting on that urge and letting it pass over me because uhm.... WRIST PROBLEMS!!!!! ^^ !!!!! + BRAIN SLOW (and i dont want to be reminded of that fact)!!!!!! ^^