#It's just that affective empathy makes it easier for you to know the 'right' things to say without you necessarily having to care either

[prolibytherium]

It's funny when people treat the level of planning and calculating out sympathetic responses that you have to do with low empathy as like 'scary' or manipulative or whatever because in practice it's so deeply un-malicious and if anything motivated by NOT wanting to unintentionally hurt someone

[wormlette]

smaller than everyone chilchuck being understood by autistic laios. is this anything. (i am small and autistic and felt deeply represented by your post)

Oh my god I spent so long writing a FUCKING RESPONSE and tumblr deleted it kill me. ANYWAY “is this anything” friend this is everything. 🤝

I think the two of them are uniquely able to understand each other bcuz in summary, the things they are both most vulnerable and affected by, the things that have probably damaged their lives most, are things they cannot conceal from others. Laios’ autism and Chilchuck’s size. There’s VERY good discussions on whether Chil is totally normal, autistic but very good at masking, somewhere inbetween, or even whether he’s cis, and those would all INFORM this conversation but whichever way you read him, he is socially aware enough to see that Laios is NOT. And it drives him crazy and he is constantly frustrated and trying to teach him to be more aware of himself as the party leader and just “be more normal”. In my opinion this is because Chil KNOWS how much it hurts to live with a part of yourself you can’t control that makes it hard to make your way through the world — in his own way, he is trying to take care of Laios. This may be both for selfish (he wants a good stable party and that requires a good socially savvy party leader) and selfless (chilaios…) reasons, but either way. It’s essentially just there in the text To Me.

Chilchuck is probably extra frustrated because, at least as he seems to see it, Laios COULD choose to shave off those rough edges of himself and “pass” as respectable/“normal”. (Another reason I kinda think Chil has his own autism thing happening. In my experience, shamefully, I’ve been least patient with people who I see as like me but they just haven’t figured out how to stop the world from hurting them like I have.) (I imagine chil often thinks things like. why don’t you just change. Don’t you see how much easier it would be for you. Don’t you see how much you’re letting the world hurt you. Don’t you know what that will do to you, over time.) meanwhile Chilchuck cannot stop the rest of the world from seeing him as either childLIKE or just straight up a tall-man kid. No matter how professional he is or how scathingly he can insult people or how much he can drink — he can’t stop what people SEE when they LOOK at him (this also makes him a great trans character To Me). I think Laios knows exactly how this feels. He’s not seen as a kid, so it’s not exactly the same. But despite having everything Chilchuck would like to have (tall, looks manly, socially respectable in appearances)… Laios is never going to pass as normal once people get to know him. He ISN’T socially aware. He CAN’T pretend to be someone else anymore, not once the story starts.

So autistic Laios keeps bumbling through social situations that make people want to fucking hunt him for sport. He can’t say the right things, and when he has tried to be himself, we can assume it’s been very poorly received in the past, both when dungeoneering and prior as a little kid. When he’s not being manic about his monster special interest he seems to constantly be doing an Autism Stare that serves to keep people away from him and his sister.

The fact that Chil and Laios both, to some degree, can’t hide what they hate most about themselves, makes them uniquely able to understand each other. And treat each other with sympathy/empathy underneath it all. Laios is the one out of their party who most treats Chilchuck as an adult with agency (understands the stress of his work, defends him, lets him steer situations, listens to his advice, never demeans him or gives any indication he thinks he’s a child altho he did assume Chil is younger than him). If the daydream hour extras that give rough indications of who joined the party when are canon, Chilchuck is the party member who’s been with the party the longest, almost since Falin and Laios founded it, despite thinking of Laios as “the party leader comma I GUESS”. He keeps trying to beat lessons about leading parties into Laios’ head despite many ppl around him considering him a lost cause. As I’ve said in other posts…. He could probably just fucking walk out at any time and either retire or get a different party, and we know Chil has no problem hitting da bricks, but he doesn’t.

The things about themselves that make them most able to relate to each other are also the things that sometimes make them grate against each other (Chil berating Laios in the way only a guy with a major complex can and Laios pouting about it lmao. Laios continuing to be a big cute socially inept dummy anyways.) BUT THAT’S LOVE, BABEY!!!

[scoobydoodean]

Something fun for you to ponder. When Sam was soulless, Bobby thought there was a chance that, "This is just Sam." I think it's because Sam tends to perform empathy somewhat selectively, at times more cognitively than emotionally. Do I personally think it's a neurodivergent trait? Yes, I do. BUT. It's hilarious to me that Bobby looked at soulless Sam and thought, "Hmm. There's a good chance that's just Sam." No?

Ho ho! Very interesting.

From 6.06 "You Can't Handle the Truth":

DEAN I don't know how much longer I can do this, Bobby. You got to figure out what the hell he is and fast. BOBBY I'm trying. But, Dean, there's a worst-case scenario. DEAN What, Satan's my co-pilot? Yeah, I know. BOBBY Well, that'd be the other worst case. DEAN Well, then what? BOBBY Maybe it's just Sam

Notably: This happens before anyone knows Sam is soulless and before Sam has admitted that he doesn't feel anything, but after Sam has let Dean get attacked and turned by a vampire.

I don't think that Bobby disagrees with Dean that Sam is acting different from before (I think that's why he calls it a worst case scenario). Sam has been putting everybody on edge, not just Dean (Samuel says that Sam scares him in 6.07). I think what Bobby is considering is that Sam simply isn't the same person after The Cage—that Sam compartmentalized his emotions to deal with the trauma—turned himself into a stone cold killing machine as a coping tool—and now Sam doesn't know how to warm back up to feeling anymore or caring about anyone or anything (or maybe can't because it's still too raw). Bobby's considering the idea that Sam may have simply cracked open and spilled his emotions out on the floor somewhere and left them behind... which ironically, is pretty much what happened?

Bobby is aware of similar (though less extreme) behavior from Sam in the past in coping with trauma. In fact, he arguably knows this side of Sam better than Dean does. Sam ghosted Bobby while Dean was in hell (and for months in 3.11 "Mystery Spot", though Bobby doesn't remember that). It wasn't that Sam stopped feeling (he was full of anguish and rage), but he did push Bobby away and focus obsessively on revenge, hunting like a machine. Sam pushed away the potential to talk through Dean's death with someone else who loved Dean and understood a lot of the grief Sam was feeling because it opened him up to a dangerous amount of vulnerability.

This is very John-coded behavior from Sam and it doesn't represent a lack of emotion as much as it represents "I feel so much that I cannot stand the idea of touching that emotion or I will break". It's a refusal to engage with and feel certain emotions, because if he did, he wouldn't be able to get up. Anger is fuel that burns hot and keeps you moving, but grief and fear can rip the life from you.

Consider even John's way of dealing with the worry he perpetually felt about Sam. Yelling and telling Sam never to come back when Sam wanted to go to school, making the fight all about betrayal and responsibility when deep down the entire time, John was just scared that Sam would get hurt (1.08, 1.20). Griping at Sam as a kid for wanting to play soccer (1.08), but without Sam's knowledge, quietly placing Sam's soccer trophy in a storage unit because John couldn't bear to throw it away even though there was no room for it on the road (3.03). John buried certain representations of affection and love because they were fraught with so much terror. Being open about how much he cared exposed him to feeling so much fear he couldn't cope with it, and John feels emotions incredibly deeply like Dean does. When the crying starts he cannot stop. It isn't macho bullshit—it isn't "I'm a man so this is unacceptable"—it's "If I feel this emotion right now at this exact moment then I will shatter into a million pieces".

Sam does the same thing when Dean is dead. Bobby represents vulnerability, family, and love—talking about how much Dean meant to both of them. The rage is easier. Being a hunting machine in 3.11 is easier. Focusing on murdering demon and training to kill Lilith is easier.

When the people Dean loves are in pain, Dean talks to them—he tells them how much he cares about them. He lets himself be vulnerable with it. Sam wants something to do and he needs to take charge. We see this is in 5.07 after Bobby reveals that he's having suicidal thoughts. Dean is distraught, and Sam is too (we see how much Bobby's opinion of him matters to Sam in 5.01)—but Sam just tells Bobby he isn't going to let him sacrifice himself, then jumps into action and focuses on the mission, while Dean lingers at Bobby's side. Then at the end of the episode, Dean sits down with Bobby alone and tells him how much he loves him and needs him. I don't think Sam could have that conversation at that point in his life. I genuinely don't think he could—and not because he doesn't love Bobby, but because he can't touch the distress that would surface from a discussion like that. One could argue Sam really does the same thing in 3.10, stepping outside of Bobby's house and seeking out Jeremy inside Bobby's dream while Dean goes up the stairs and finds Bobby and again—opens himself up to vulnerable emotions and expresses how much Bobby means to him—that he sees him as a father and he can't lose him. Sam focuses on finding the guy doing all of this and skirts the emotional vulnerability.

I think this is something Bobby, then, is very familiar with from Sam, so when he takes it to an extreme, where Sam is now dealing with a traumatic experience from being in The Cage, he can easily see how Sam would suppress his emotions and focus on hunting like a machine yet again, and how that could possibly reach such an extreme that Sam would stop feeling altogether and maybe not know how to or not be able to come back from that. And you know... I've never thought of this before in this exact way, but how did Sam's soul and body get separated in The Cage? Is there anything that disproves the idea that Sam himself ripped his soul from his body to cope with Lucifer's torture?

[thependragonfiles]

Grim Reaper Headcanon Blurb

here's just a good chunk of all headcanons I have for general Dispatch shenanigans!! below cut :>

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ-

✧ A general one shared with most of tumblr, but the reapers looking more inhuman. Sharp teeth, glowing eyes, pointed ears, the works! I personally think they carry the smell of decay with them. But I also think they carry physical traits from their deaths as well! A reaper who drowned would look bluish/greenish, a reaper who died of blood loss would be ashen, burned by fire have dryer/leathery skin, etc. etc.

✧ On the list of 'petty things to get written up for', unpermitted scythe modification is probably high on the list. Dispatch, regardless of the staff of the Management Division's own personal thoughts, requires everything and anything to be recorded and reported. Even if it's just a simple blade change. People forget!

✧ When a reaper first 'wakes up', they're treated with cold and clinical detachment. A statistic before anything else. Dying is incredibly traumatic, and 'waking up', a reaper is probably going to be in shock! It's easier faster to go through the paperwork first, before beginning to explain everything. Even then, there's this shitty information pamphlet the doctor hands you, called 'So You Killed Yourself! What Now?', to help explain the role a new reaper now plays.

✧ There's different levels of blindness a reaper can have! While they're all legally blind, some can see more than others! I personally think Grell and Othello can see colored blurbs, and can make out features but to really see specific details they squint, while William is almost-fully blind, only seeing big splotches of color. Like a bleeding watercolor painting.

✧ Birthdays aren't celebrated often. There's either no-time or no purpose to them, because a reaper is 'one age' forever. Death Days, while not celebrated however, are treated with kindness and respect and empathy- The whole shebang. Death Days are reminders of the fact this is a punishment for their suicide, making a reaper feel that anguish that caused them to take their life anyways. In certain, severe cases there's even physical reminders (an old bullet wound beginning to bleed, water being coughed up, feeling like one's burning alive). Calling out and having either your: Mandatory Partner, dear friend, or romantic/queerplatonic other half(ves) spend the day with the affected reaper;

✧ Mandatory Partners!! My personal example is William/Grell before Will got 'promoted' to Management. Or Alan/Eric before the Tragedy. A mandatory partner is essentially someone a reaper in Retrievals works extremely well with, and the Higher Ups require reapers to NEVER BE ALONE and have someone else in the area. There's too many dangers to working alone, without backup a skip away. If there isn't anyone a reaper works well with (or their MP is assigned far away), a Mentor or Management position can take the place of the MP. London Dispatch, however, is usually short-staffed and can't supply this often, meaning reapers work alone instead of in pairs.

✧ While most demons can't permanently kill a reaper, they can severely wound one so a Bigger Threat (starving demon, Greater Demon, rogue deserter, Dispatch Itself) can kill them. Lesser-Demons however, can 'attatch' themselves to a healthy reaper, and create a parasitic relationship. A reaper's energy/'lifeforce' gets slowly drained unless they feed the demon the souls they reap, but this is considered low-class and taboo by demons, while reapers have very few cases of this. It isn't impossible though, with the right circumstances (and a bit of manipulation).

✧ Deserters aren't executed or jailed when caught! No, they're put into a 'reformation' process, ESPECIALLY if the Dispatch branch is short staffed. This is done as a 'final chance for redemption', before the brass takes them away forever. No one knows what happens to the ones the reformation didn't help.

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

[strandnreyes]

This has been something that’s been on my mind for a long time, but I wanted to talk a little about the way Iris has been talked about in the fandom from time to time.

No one is required to like the character or any of the storylines related to her. It's fine if you don't, but we still should be mindful of how we speak about her. Hating on someone because of their mental illness symptoms or using those symptoms as the punchline of a joke is not okay. She's not a villain and she doesn't need to be made out to be one.

Even if this show isn’t entirely accurate in her portrayal, or even if the show didn’t get everything right when it came to her exact symptoms, medication, etc., that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive to be better. Iris may be a fictional character, but people with symptoms like Iris'—atypical social interaction, difficulty reading non-verbal cues or things like humor or sarcasm, bluntness, flat affect—exist. They exist in and outside of fandom spaces. Everywhere.

There's already so much shit in the world and battles everyone has to face daily that if we can make it easier for even one person, why not try to do that. Taking the time to consider how our words are being perceived (what kind of messages we're spreading and the types of jokes we show are okay to make) is important.

There are already so many layered discussions in this fandom regarding TK's depression/addiction, Carlos' anxiety, or Judd's PTSD (which I know is in part by the fact that they’re main characters), and I feel like we all learn a lot from those discussions. Perhaps the same grace can be given to Iris?

This isn’t just a fictional world for some and empathy, understanding, and kindness can go a long way.

[aroaceconfessions]

I’ve known I was on the aro/ace spectrum for a long time but it didn’t really feel like it affected me so much until I hit my mid-twenties. Now I am trying to think more about what that means for me, and I started seeking out others with similar experiences. I read so many of the confessions posted here, and they break my heart and I feel so much empathy because I’m right there with you, feeling the hurt and confusion that comes with being atypical. And it makes me angry that so many people are feeling this way and that so many people are living in a society that just isn’t built for them. And I want all these people to know that you deserve to have your needs met, and that no one deserves to live in fear of what their identity means for their ability to live a safe and happy life, and even if no one else you know understands it, there are people out there who do understand, and one of them (that’s me!) is so grateful to know you are out there too, because even though it doesn’t necessarily help me know what to do, it’s easier to see myself as a person deserving of respect and dignity when I can feel so strongly for these strangers dealing with the same things. I see you. I’m with you. Thanks for being you.

Submitted April 12, 2023

[highly-important]

I think a big criticism I have of Heartstopper is how it makes a sexual minority (Ben) the face of homophobic oppression.

We know that one of the things that affected Charlie the most was the bullying he went through earlier. That it was so bad no one can really put it to words.

Charlie describes his bullying in a very abstract and intangible way, and never directly points the finger at anyone specific.

In general, there is this collective amnesia about who actually bullied Charlie and who let it happen. No one is really held accountable for it.

This is also very similar to whatever happened with Elle at Truham. Elle was extensively bullied, but she brushes off her problems and we never see the extent of her trauma. We honestly don't even know how this actually affected her, apart from the ways that she minimizes herself. But its all abstracted - no one is really ever identified as responsible or complicit.

Ben is the only person who is identified from that time in Charlie's life, and it means its easier to blame Ben for it than anyone else.

I understand why Nick and Charlie don't want to forgive Ben, and I don't think he is owed that forgiveness. But I also think Ben is a stupid 15 year old in an awful, traumatizing situation. There is reason to believe he would have behaved differently if he wasn't also in a homophobic environment. Do you think Ben could hear other people call Charlie disgusting and not internalize it himself? And the responsibility for their relationship going badly isn't squarely on Ben's shoulders, either.

There is also no reason why someone else, like Araji or Farouk couldn't have given him an empathetic moment or helped him a little. Ben is equally deserving of support and compassion.

Ben becomes the face of Charlie's trauma, and Ben seems to bare the responsibility for it. The straight people around him slip under the radar, despite arguably being the ones bearing the most responsibility for Charlie's issues. Charlie's self hatred, his ED, and the cutting are all caused by the bullying. The straight bullies are allowed some grace and empathy that isn't given to Ben.

We forget that Nick has been a part of Harry's friend group for years. Nick isn't really doesn't stick up for what's right on his own, and doesn't help much when they hit Tao with the ball. Obviously his feelings for Charlie cause him to reexamine these things. But its not something Nick ever has to come to terms with. (Its similar with Imogene, she hangs out with and enables some of Charlie's tormentors, but never really has to come to terms with that.) And in S2, the actions of Nicks' friend group are largely forgotten, and the emphasis is put on how supportive they are when Nick comes out.

It is very realistic that kids would react differently to an unpopular kid coming out than they would a popular kid coming out. But they're still the same people. Charlie doesn't even feel resentment that the same people who called him disgusting are now voicing support of Nick.

It is the bullying that made Charlie feel disgusting, its the bullying that gave Charlie an ED and made him self-harm. And its the bullying that made Ben want to keep his relationship with Charlie a secret.

If Nick was friends with Harry for a while, and Nick doesn't really remember the bullying Charlie went through, it also means that Harry maybe wasn't a main antagonist when Charlie's bullying was "really bad." So even though Harry is the face of homophobic bullying, even he is disconnected from the "really bad" that happened the year before. Harry is just an asshole, and somehow not responsible for causing serious trauma.

We get more of an indication that Harry can grow and do better than we do Ben. And yes, even though Harry is never forgiven or forgotten, he's also never confronted with it either.

All the straight people at school are easily redeemable because weirdly, none of them seem to actually be complicit in the "really bad" bullying that fucked Charlie up.

(And even making these distinctions between when the bullying was really bad and not so bad missed how any kind of daily micro aggressions, no matter how small, can build up to have toxic effects. Hearing your sexuality degraded pretty consistently can have huge negative affects on your health, even if to an outsider it doesn’t look like that much.)

I am seeing more and more media do this - make a minority the face of that minority's oppression. Its this gentle way of exploring oppression, while avoiding making people outside that minority group feel uncomfortable or ask difficult questions about their own complicity.

It perpetuates this idea that homophobia is actually over, despite the fact that somehow, mysteriously, the affects of homophobia are still felt. Harry is written as someone who can improve, Ben is written as someone who is incapable of change. I think there is just something deeply unsettling about who is given compassion and empathy.

Not only does HS really avoid the hard work of showing how Ben gets better, but it avoids the hard work of having the straight characters confront the harm they caused.

And I'm not saying this to "cancel" Heartstopper or tell you you're a bad person for liking it. I've written extensively about the things I think this show gets right. But I think that making a minority the face of minority oppression is a damaging trope that we should be as critical of as we are of tropes like "Bury your Gays"

[callmecyangreen]

sci-fi world building tip: the earth is weird

It’s your story, you can do whatever you want, but realistically most habitable planets aren’t gonna be like earth. There are a few exceptions, though, that might encourage either evolution or space travel to certain planets.

Most planets don’t have a tilt and therefor don’t have seasons. Far north and south it’s always winter and the equator is always summer

Most planets don’t get tides. Our moon is weird because we only have one and it’s a certain distance away that it affects how our oceans work. Other planets with water might have more or less moons that are closer or further making the tides work funky

Kinda similar to 2: MOONS. We have the moon, and that’s it. And our moon and sun are the right size and the right distance that sometimes they perfectly line up and block each other. That’s weird. Most planets don’t have total eclipses, but if they have more moons (or stars) they’ll have partial eclipses a lot more often.

this one isn’t Earth being, it’s all planets being different, but the size of a planet affects a lot. You might me like, no shit it affects gravity, but gravity also affects the atmosphere, how large it is, how dense it is, and what’s it’s made out of. That can affect a lot of things including, but not limited to: weapons/explosions, fire, size of organisms, wind and weather, ect. Figure out how your planet is and how EVERYTHING is affected by that. And also what elements are in the atmosphere.

Life as we know it is weird! Humans are weird! Every single animal on this planet is weird! Most planets will probably only have single called organisms, but I know that’s boring for a story so the aliens that do exist will be funky compared to earth. their emotions will be funky too. Maybe they reproduce with 3? Maybe they don’t feel empathy? Maybe violence is normal?

EXCEPTIONS (ish):

There a few things like all planets with life will probably have, like being made of rock instead of gas, being in the Goldilocks zone so water can be a liquid and, you know having water in the first place, but you can still break these rules. Maybe this alien species doesn’t life off of liquid water? Maybe a different species moved to this gas giant but like in big floating ships. I dunno, go crazy. Have fun

Life can exist on any planet, but certain conditions really encourage evolution, like tectonic activity. If your planet is one where a species actually evolved, do some research and try and make your planet suited to evolution.

#5 said that humans are weird, and they are, but other intelligent and long lasting species might share some traits. They’re probably going to have similar senses to us, but probably not the same ones. And, in order for us to find them, they might competitive like humans are. Just make sure these aliens are different, but still possible and able to actually survive.

Intelligent species are more likely to move to different planets if they have a reason. Maybe there’s resources or elements not on their home planet? Maybe one planet is easier to get to? Maybe their old planet is overcrowded? Then, maybe they might be searching for one similar to their orgianl planet. People (humans, at least) are sentimental and will look for similarities.

that’s it for now, but I might do more world building tips because that seems to be the only thing I’m good at when it comes to writing

[castieldelamancha]

Dean takes a deep breath as soon as the door closes quietly behind them, he shares a look with Sam, just one look and he is able to tell how much his brother needed to get out of that house too.

"Go to the Impala," he tells him, patting his shoulder a couple times, "we'll meet you there in a minute."

Sam doesn't say anything and Dean watches his back as he turns around and makes his way towards where baby is parked in front of the two stories house.

Castiel couldn't even wait around for their questioning to the victim's family to be over before he had to leave, excusing himself to make a phone call.

Dean looks around, he is pretty sure he knows where he went. He starts walking, headed to the empty park across the street. It's too late for anyone to be out and about, and the heavy weight of fear after what happened in this otherwise peaceful neighborhood just two days ago is a suffocating presence in the air around him.

It doesn't take him long to spot Cas. He has his back to Dean, his trench coat swaying lightly with the breeze, the same breeze that is messing his hair with the same cadence of the languid touch of a lover's hand. He is jealous of it, even if it sounds stupid, he wishes he could be the one combing his fingers through Castiel's wild hair, away from here, back home, in the safety of their own room. He is standing there leaning against the wooden railing of the gazebo that stands in the middle of the park since 1935, according to the sign next to its stairs.

Dean doesn't stop to read the rest of what the sign has to tell him about who paid for it and why, going straight for the stairs and rushing to cross the distance between Cas and him.

"Hey Cas," he is sure Cas was already aware of his presence but he warns him anyway. As soon as he is close enough he rests his hand on Cas' lower back, fully embracing his waist with one arm when Castiel turns around to look at him.

There is a deep sadness in those old blue eyes that look at him, "she was so young."

"I know." He lets Castiel rest his head on his shoulder, watching their surroundings closely. They still don't know what they are looking for, it makes him uneasy.

"Does it ever get easier?" His voice is so small, all of a sudden, and Dean is almost shocked to see this side of Castiel, his heart breaking a bit. Castiel has seen worst, he knows well how many bad things happen everyday, everywhere. But still he is here, so clearly affected by this tragedy.

This is what they do, it ain't easy, it ain't pretty. He can't and won't lie to Cas.

Dean shrugs slightly with the shoulder that isn't currently supporting Castiel's head, "yes and no." He replies, "you are still adjusting to feeling how humans feel," incessantly, completely, "give yourself some time."

Castiel nods, "I'll try."

"You know what this means, right?" Castiel shakes his head, "this means we haven't lost our humanity, our compassion and empathy, no one can take that away from us. Don't ever forget that." He lifts his hand, closing it over Castiel's cheek. "Let all you are feeling right now fuel you." These words always help him, he guesses they will help Cas too, "now the three of us are going to do all we can for her, like we always do, we can't bring them back but we can stop whatever took them so it doesn't hurt anyone else."

Castiel turns lightly, pressing their chests together so they can share a warm hug.

"Thank you." Castiel says as he moves back from their embrace, "you are pretty wise sometimes."

"Hey! You don't have to sound so surprise about that." Dean pushes him lightly, glad to see the sorrow in Cas' eyes being slowly replaced by his amusement.

[holyvirgilscriptures]

the way i see it, when it comes to fanfic (the original complaint) it all boils down to one of two things:

people don't write about lonnie as much as this exaggerated portrayal of the wheelers because will's stuff is canon, therefore "real" and therefore, it hurts more. i mean, will is always going through stuff, so it makes sense we write things where he doesn't go through that pain, right? with mike, however, not only can more people relate to his struggles (with most of us being the children of the generation that grew up in this 80s culture of neglect), but when people write him being actually abused we can detach ourselves more from the pain because it's easier to accept is as not canon, therefore not as "real". it feels like a story more than with will so it feels easier to write and read. (at least that's why i sometimes write about this dynamic with mike.)

or... people chose to write mike as abused because they feel mike has wronged will in canon, therefore deserves to be punished in some form... deserves to suffer just as much as will before he'll be worthy of will's love.

there might be more seasons, but that's the ones i feel are more prevalent.

dude... are you me???? this is exactly what i was thinking about. here's a couple more:

3. related to your point number #2 but swinging in the opposite direction, lots of fans want to "woobify" mike and make him more helpless than he is. mike got a lot of flack in s3-s4, and people want to give more reasons we should sympathize with him. they think by giving him a more abusive backstory, it would make more sense as to why he has depression. they think that by making the wheeler parents monsters, it gives mike the opportunity to become the character that people feel sorry for. (this also comes hand in hand with a lot of people who want to make mike more "girly"). but as i and others have mentioned, making mike come from an abusive household negates his character arc of coming from a more neglectful household. the wheelers are the cautionary tale of a nuclear family, and how empty it can actually be. also we don't need to have made-up reasons to sympathize with mike. i think reasonable people should have the empathy to understand a 14 year-old who suffered grief, survivor's guilt and is dealing with his internalized homophobia (and people always wanna compare mike's trauma so say hello to the trauma olympics, my least favorite fandom metric.)

4. probably the more controversial one, and relating to your point #1. lonnie's stuff is canon and overt. to many fans, at the surface level, there's not much left to say. yes, of course i think more people should be able to talk about the effects of lonnie's abuse and things like that, but like i said, surface-level-wise, lonnie's abuse is explicit, which is why i feel like others don't talk about it as much. because we all already know lonnie is a piece of shit. that's why people tend to talk more about the wheelers, especially in fandom spaces. people will always want to talk more about things that are less explicit, because it just provides them with more work for their imagination. i mean really. ask a GA member and they probably don't even pick up on how ted and karen are emotionally unavailable and how it affected mike's psyche and mental attitude. that's why people make theories and analysis and even fanfic of it more, exploring the wheeler family dynamic. because there just isn't a lot to go off of. theoretically, ted and karen could go off the walls if they find out mike is queer. theoretically, they just couldn't care less. we don't know and that's the point. fanon is king, as they say.

[marshmallowprotection]

i love the thought that just existing as a chronically ill/disabled person can speedrun both ray and suit's development.

showing Ray my old mediport--yes ray, the outside world helped me. a lot of people did, actually! and they still help me out. and yes, they'll help out if i ever get sick or hurt again (knock on wood). and people have created lots of things like this to make it easier (hell, i even had a prescription for numbing cream to use before my port was accessed). and I've met lots of other people who have been helped the same way!

and then just. Existing. in suit's general proximity. buddy, I'm always in pain. my body doesn't work quite right. it never has, it got worse for unrelated reasons, and it's not fixable. it can be mitigated a little, but it's downhill from here. I'm too tired to be angry about it. It takes up too much energy, so I just roll with it.

it's kinda cool that just. Existing. shatters pretty much everything rika has taught them to believe about survival and the outside world.

What breaks through to both Ray and Suit Saeran canonically is your kindness. Your unwavering kindness and inability to let things make you angry. You don't crack and don't let people push you around, but you don't let them piss you off to the point where you scream at them for it. You breathe, you recoup, and you think before you speak when you're with them. You never blow up and blame them for what's going on around you.

You're patient and kind, and despite the best efforts by this cult to destroy your faith in humanity, you never lose it. Suit Saeran said it himself. He was amazed by the simple fact that you wouldn't let any anger make you insult or hurt someone purposefully. You stood tall and affirmed that you weren't a loser or an airhead, but you didn't do much to fight back with jeers. You disagreed and kept a level head in a disaster.

You proved that anger isn't the strongest thing in his little world and that's what broke him.

It's the same thing with Ray. Your genuine interest and empathy for him cut through his obsession and taught him that true love isn't a game and it's not something he can force. It's something that you're able to experience by opening your heart and working with them to feel the best way you've ever felt.

He fights for you despite every fear he's ever felt because real love means doing what's right even if it challenges your cult mentality.

When we consider adding another element on top of that... one like chronic illness and disability where you've been struggling with a lot for a long time? Well, it just adds to their realization and education in the outside world. Ray and Suit Saeran would assume you're angry... angry with the world, with God, and with everything that caused you to get to where you are today.

But, you aren't, you've learned how to accept your circumstance and adapt to it... even on the worst days when you cry because the pain is too much to carry... if you refuse to crack the way that Mint Eye says everyone in lonesome pain will... well, it goes against Rika's teachings tenfold.

It forces Ray to consider that maybe the world wouldn't hurt him since he's bound to face hardship with his own health and maybe it might be better for him out there than it is with his Savior, and it forces Suit Saeran to realize that no matter how cruel he becomes, there's no way his anger will force everyone to succumb to despair, and the Savior was wrong about power.

It's not your job to help them learn that lesson, but being close to you forces them to open their eyes when they would've struggled to do it before. Of course, that's just the way I see it, but adding in this factor would affect the situation, and I've thought about it so many times as a disabled MC. How would they react knowing me? How would that force them to realize Mint Eye is horrible?

[khaleesiofalicante]

The IALS story was everything, Max and David are everything and it couldn't have been more perfectly imperfect than that, it was so them so thank you for this amazing doze of serotonin!🤗

“Not necessarily,” David shakes his head again. “Max, what happened, it didn’t just happen to me. It happened to both of us. Just because our wounds are different, it doesn’t mean we can’t share our pain.”

This line did it for me honestly, because in most of your fanfics, especially LBAF, Max is so obsessed with fixing things for David and helping him that he forgets that whatever's happening affects him too. That's why he can't be Other Max, those things aren't happening to Other Max, he has other stuff to deal with (see what I did there?) , the shit that happens in the current timeline is affecting both of them and they need to start healing and hurting together. That's the dream, I really hope they realize and fix this.

The Jaden content made me remember how much I didn't like him, I was half expecting Lance to show up and start roasting him, and now I can't stop thinking about Lance running into Jaden again, pure ✨️comedy✨️, which also made me wonder Max's reaction if he finds out that David called him? I can see that conversation going pretty bad and then better.

I forgot how much I enjoy David perspective, personally I relate to him a lot as a character, and I've found myself having similar problems or views so I really missed reading his inner thoughts. I also missed him simpimg over Max, that's just adorable.

Like real people do was what I didn't know I needed it was amazing, again it was absolutely brilliant🩷

PS: Was that how you always envisioned this scene going or was it easier for you to write it after all this time? Like when you finished it you had the mentality of Mavid trying to heal but after time passed it was like something cooled down and it was easier to imagine them getting closer?

PPS: People who can't take no for an answer suck and should burn in hell, honestly as someone who has a problem setting certain boundaries, it's so annoying when you have finally mastered the courage to say no and some people just disregard it. Stupid idiots, let's hope they find their lost empathy at some point🌼

Helloooooo.

I'm glad you liked the story. And yes, that's one of my favourite quotes too, because Max is one of those people who forgets about his own pain when his loved ones are hurt and I WANNA SHAKE HIM AND BE LIKE BITCH YOU ARE HURT TOO.

Originally, I wanted David to tell Max that he called Jaden. But it seemed unnecessary tbh - and it would've taken focus away from the real story. So, I decided against it. That man has caused enough drama.

I miss David perspective too :(

It was definitely not easy to write it right after IALS. Like I couldn't even picture it - because it was almost as if they were still healing inside my head. It's like saying 'get well soon' but without the 'soon' part, because I wanted them to take their time. I was willing to wait for them because I knew whenever the story would come to me, I'd be willing to write it. There were certain bits and pieces that I knew would be in this scene, including Max feeling insecurity about his appearance and David reaching out to Jaden, and the whole thing happening randomly, as if their hearts were healed and they didn't know about it and it randomly hit them like 'oh'. I hope that makes sense!

PS - Those people really do suck and there is nothing more despicable than disrespecting consent!

Love you.

[erudianokabe]

— "I remember what you said. You promised we'd pay for what we did, and you promised pain. So are you here to make me pay?"

— "Yeah. I did say that, didn't I?"

— "Huh?"

— "Let's forget about that. At first, I considered every person on this side of the sea an enemy. But later, I crossed the sea and slept under my enemies' roof…ate the food they offered me… Reiner, I'm the same as you. Some of these people are awful, but some are good. Same where I'm from. Inside the walls, we're all just people. But you were taught that the people in the walls weren't like you. That we were demons. You were just kids who got brainwashed. Hatred was part of your training. As young as you were, how could you have fought that? You couldn't have and will it. It looks like you've already paid."

— "No. You're wrong, Eren! That day... when the titan got Marcel, Annie and Bertolt wanted to end the mission right then, and they would have. But I convinced them to keep going, not just to save my own skin but… because I wanted to become a hero! I wanted to be respected! It's my fault! The truth is your mother was eaten by a titan because of me!

For me, personally, this bit of conversation here was such a turning point— or rather, it was a very good culmination of Eren and Reiner's character.

The way that Eren can outright say the things that's probably been living inside Reiner's head all this time. A major source of his emotional struggles. I’m pretty sure that the knowledge of everyone being just the same as they were began to sink in inside his head at such an early stage. It’s probably even before they joined the cadets. The anime showed Reiner and Bertolt’s reaction after they made that hole in the wall.

Among the crowd you can see the surprise— the horror on their faces. Murder is murder no matter how you slice it, and the same can be said for being a child. No matter how determined or dedicated Reiner was to this grand cause of saving the world, no matter how prepared he felt to kill these devils… words and actions tend to weigh differently once you're on the part where you need to do it. Granted he performed his task of breaching the outer wall, I don’t think anything could have prepared him from the sight of these devils scrambling like humans once death and chaos were added into the equation. As a kid, Reiner’s tremendously honest and kind. He’s not the type that could pull of an act of feigning empathy or sympathy for the enemy. The shock on their faces here? Damn genuine, if you ask me. Although, at this point in time, I don’t think he’d doubt the teachings of Marley about the people from Paradis. However, I do think he'd begin to ask questions, if only for him to make something out of it. Coz I feel like Reiner has a certain defense mechanism to shock… wherein he tries his best to reason and make sense of things, coming to an acceptable and realistic conclusion that he can fathom and work with. In this situation, I feel like he’d be asking, “They’re devils, aren’t they? So… why are they so scared?”

Of course, he can’t keep dwelling on that. Not when they have a mission to do, not when they had goals that needs to be accomplished. Out of all of them, Reiner knows he’s the one who can’t afford to be affected or lose heart because he was the one who forced Annie and Bertolt to continue the mission. He assumed the responsibility of being in charge in place of Marcel. So, he of all people can’t be dissuaded, can’t be half-assed about it, shouldn’t have a change of heart regarding the filth within those walls.

However, as time progresses, as the years come and go, Reiner observes, he learns. He has to, in order to infiltrate and do his mission properly. He has to act in a way that’ll get THEIR enemies’ sympathy so that moving inside the walls become easier. Living out their lives as people from Paradis, sticking to someone else’s borrowed truth (the story the old man told them before he hung himself) as Bertolt narrated in the earliest part of the series… in order to cement their own identities, so no one would become suspicious. Still, I guess nothing could have prepared Reiner for the bonds that he’d eventually forge with the cadets from the 104th battalion either. This was most probably the time wherein him, Annie, and Bertolt actually got the most interaction. Living with them day to day. Doing the same things, eating the same food… and this time, sharing a similar goal— to save humanity, to save the world. In the earlier stages of being a cadet, I’m sure he still has his mind on the warrior’s mission. But I’m also of the opinion that his “fraternizing with the enemy” wasn’t just for its sake anymore. He may say that it’s to get on their good side, but this was probably also the time where he’s actually treated like an actual human being by his fellow peers. Not as a warrior, not as a soldier… but just as a person who gets his fair share of acknowledgment. That some part of him was actually good enough. To think that his so-called devils, the people he’d held in contempt for so long, the evils of this world, would be the people who saw him as well… a person. Shit, he even became someone’s hero.

When Eren asked him how to be like Mikasa and him? I’m sure we all know that Reiner saw himself for a moment in this strong-willed but desperate boy who just wanted to make a change before he ended up dying…because that’s how he felt when he was in Marley. When he was the weakest of them all. When he was desperately running after a dream— only to be denied, so he had to go after the next. “Just do what you have to. Keep moving forward. That’s all we can do.” While these were real words of advice that he had for Eren, I firmly believe that this is a reminder for himself too. That he has to keep moving forward. A creed he has lived by since day one, because for someone like him who knew what it was like to be the worst at everything, doing what you can and moving forward was the only real way to get results. That’s what he’s done, and that’s what he’ll do… regardless of whatever it was that he believes to be right… which of course, blurs somewhere along the way. Something further reinforced by Marco’s death— at the hands of Reiner’s own decision making. One which we also know that his guilt and conscience couldn’t handle. SO. If the line was already blurring somewhere along the way, Marco’s death, for me, was the trigger of him solidly compartmentalizing who he is as a warrior and who he is as a soldier. At this particular junction, this was the only way for him to function properly. Where he loses himself in one persona, and then switches when either the need arises or when he is reminded that he’s actually a warrior.

Coz like, at some point, I really believe that Reiner would have wanted to just be a soldier. To be with these people who gave him the validation and respect that he never really got back in Marley, but also to protect the friends that he’s made along the way. I think this want had been strong enough at one point. Specifically, when he saved Connie. Him remembering Marcel’s deeds; him having incorporated who Marcel was in his soldier persona makes it even stronger. Because at the end of the day, Reiner just wants to save his comrades, his friends. I don’t think this has ever changed. From the time he apologized to Annie and Bertolt… promising that he’d be the warrior he was meant to be, up to this point in time. He’s got their backs. Which is why I think that in Reiner’s character development, the conversation between Connie and Bertolt about Reiner being so self-sacrificing is important. Because this was the point where Bertolt was reminding Reiner of who he really is only for Reiner to shut it out completely, his head not even beginning to register what the hell a warrior was or what it even meant.

But again, the reality of the situation rears its ugly head. The trigger of which, again for me, are two things. One, was Eren mentioning that Bert and Reiner were driven far away from their hometown. If you go to episode six of Season 2, you’ll notice how his reaction drastically changes. Because before Eren mentions it, Reiner was in the moment of being a soldier. Where all that registers to him was the near-death experiences he had with titans. Again, it’s not as if he was lying. These were the truths of his experiences regardless of what the reason behind his actions were. At this time, he doesn't remember telling Annie Eren’s location, most likely doesn’t even register Annie as the female titan. He’s not trying to deceive anyone; he was just reliving the trauma of having almost died. So much that he even wanted Armin to validate the prior situation. The second one was when Bertolt reacted to what Eren said after seeing Reiner’s expression. Like, bam. Bertolt sees the opportunity to once again pull Reiner out from the deep end by reminding him of home. Which works. However, not in the way that he himself expected.

I don’t have enough Bertolt in me to interpret his words of “Truer words were never spoken. Home! Let’s go! We’ve been here long enough. Compared to everything else we’ve had to go through; the rest is easy.” But I’m sure as hell Bertolt didn’t mean for Reiner to just so casually reveal the truth to Eren like that. Maybe it was more a nod to ‘Let’s escape while we have the chance. Let’s go back with what we know. We've done enough. If we get punished, I'm sure we can take it.’ But not Reiner’s “I’m the Armored Titan. He’s the Colossal.” spiel.

After all that’s happened, what they’ve been through. Reiner knew that Bertolt was right. Everything moving forward would be easier. So, for a while, Reiner just gave in. He wants to go home, just like anyone else. Wants the mission he forced on his fellow Warriors to finally come to an end. Everyone’s tired of all the fighting. All the death. Reiner now has a better understanding of the people of Paradis whether he wants to acknowledge it or not. He can bargain. In a way, he sees a kindred spirit in Eren. So, he took the chance of telling him the truth. See, knowing what he knows now, I am a firm believer that a chunk of who he is as a person just wants to avoid killing anyone else. Because he knows that there were no devils behind these walls, only people. Like him. Like Bertolt, like Annie. Like those they’ve left behind and were waiting for them in Marley. He just wants to avoid a fight at all costs, even if it meant spilling the beans. Eren, in part, wants the same thing. To prevent any more people from dying, to save as many as he possibly can. So, to Reiner, he thought that maybe Eren would understand if he explained the situation. That him going with them was the optimal way to avoid a major crisis. The best solution anyone could ever ask for. Which… of course, didn’t go exactly as planned. Because as Eren mentioned, “What’d you expect me to do? Say yes, let myself be kidnapped just coz you asked politely?” things don't always go well when you ask politely.

AND YOU REALLY SEE the look on Reiner’s face here. For me, this is when he snaps back to reality, and not just any reality. He snaps back to the entirety of the situation, of how everything that they’ve known wasn’t all that it was cut out to be. The realization that they weren’t fighting devils, but they were fighting people just like them. That he can no longer really consider himself a hero, because heroes dont murder innocent people. How he no longer knows what’s right from wrong, but despite knowing all that, he has to go back to his roots, to his duty as a warrior. So, you know… for the first time in a long while, we get to see Reiner for who he actually is. Not Reiner as a Soldier, not Reiner as Warrior… but the Reiner who always has to make a choice and choose the path that he needs to stick by due to the realizations he brings himself to accept, by force or otherwise. And man, when he says that he’s choosing the road that leads to the bitter end. It’s not even about coming back as a hero anymore, he really just wants it to be over. Because that's the only way for it to be over, he’ll accept what he’s done; take responsibility, pay for it. Because again, that’s all he can really do— accept the outcome no matter how painful it is and move forward.

And then the switch from warrior to soldier happens again without warning when they were taking a rest after capturing Eren and Ymir. God. The way that they showed his internal struggle here, from having been reminded that he’s not a soldier to being reminded of Marco’s death, to Ymir and Eren just rubbing salt to the wound of his sins. Out of all of them, he gets it. It’s not as if he wants to be a victim or chooses to be one, it’s just that… he actually is a victim whether he wanted to be or not— but at the same time, it’s not as if he’s trying to run away from the murder, from the death, from the sins. He’s trying his best to resolve it within himself. But it just isn’t easy. Because he’s never lied about how he felt. Because somewhere along the way, he understood what Paradis really was. What those devils really were. So, when Eren just kept throwing his rage at him, he loses it. Telling him outright that he’s aware that they were, at this point, murderers. And that he didn’t need to be constantly reminded of it. Reiner understands that no amount of apology can fix the damage that they— that he had caused the day they breached Wall Maria. I think what hurts Reiner the most in this entire exchange was Eren saying that they were not human, not one of them, never been. Again, if there’s someone here who doesn’t need this constant reminder, it’s Reiner. Only this time, he’s faced with someone who was just like him once. Three years ago, Reiner would have shared the same sentiment, without a doubt. But now? He knows the truth, that they were, indeed the same. Only this time, there was no way to prove it because to the rest of Paradis, they were the monsters, the bad guys, the devils.

The irony is though, when Reiner asked, “want us to feel bad, want us to take the blame”, four years after, he does just this: Feel bad while taking the blame for everything that has happened back on the island. One helluva foreshadowing for our broken man.

When Eren mentions that Reiner already paid the price, Eren now understands where the former was coming from. Based on how he appeared, how he carried himself, pretty sure Eren more than anyone, understands what Reiner had and was still going through. Why Eren himself can just drop the whole revenge agenda. But Reiner can’t. Deep down, somewhere, he’s always wanted this. Always waited for this chance. Wanting for his wrongs to be brought up, for him to get the punishment that he deserved because his guilt couldn’t take it. Which is why he was doing everything, groveling even, to plead his case… his sins to Eren. Reiner doesn't want to be forgiven, understands that he can’t be, doesn’t even expect anyone to do that for him. Which is why it came as a shock when Eren just dropped it. Among everyone, Reiner expected Eren to be the one to deliver that justice, the pain the execution he deserved. But that never came, and it never will. I do think that in Eren's point of view, seeing Reiner like this, he's convinced that Reiner was suffering enough, pained enough. And for someone who had no choice in the matter at the time, didn't know any better, what he was going through now was already comparable to death; maybe even worse.

I think it’s pretty brilliant how Eren literally just reiterates what Reiner airs out four years ago, of them being the same. Of how Reiner and the others were just kids, and how they didn’t know a damn thing. Knew that hatred was part of the training, that children so young couldn’t have known better, couldn’t have willed it. And Reiner despite knowing the truth denies those very words in order to validate his crimes and his self-loathing. Of how he doesn’t want to accept that a murderer like him can just be let off the hook that easy. Even trying to appeal that it was because of him that Carla got eaten in order to make Eren change his mind. But he won’t. Not when Eren understands the truth that he didn’t four years ago. Not when Eren understands what he has to do in order to achieve his own goal. Not when Eren's future actions would be far worse than what Reiner had done all those years ago.

In a way they were just two kids trying to save the world. One simply grew up fighting a war he never should have fought and trying his best to push forward despite being someone who was unable to let go of the past— despite of the mistakes that have been made along the way. While the other never really changed, simply accepting the truth, unable to let go of the future that'd eventually bring about the freedom that everybody sought after.

[themuselesswriter]

A Chance to Escape - Oneshot

Characters: Crazy Dog (Lee), Troy Otto, Jeremiah Otto, Jake Otto Summary: Troy meets a stranger at a bar and decides to runaway with him, but things never go Troy's way. Word count: 1500+ Warnings: self-hatred, implied sexual interactions, abuse A/N: On this account, we support Troy Otto but never allow him to have nice things! Also, here's to you @/noemitenshi Credits: photos from Pinterest, editing app is Picsart

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72 Hours Before Departure

Lying in the embrace of the most exotic person he had ever known, Troy's lips curved into a smile. An unfamiliar sensation of happiness engulfed him, a rare moment of feeling safe and content, a stark contrast to the turbulent life he had led.

"What's on your mind?" his partner inquired, drawing Troy's attention back. With a tender smile, he gazed at the man who had spent the last five hours exploring his body in the most unexpected ways, igniting waves of pleasure that had consumed him. "Nothing much. Just thinking about how... I could stay like this forever" he admitted, his voice carrying a note of wistfulness. The other man hummed thoughtfully, his voice tinged with a hint of sadness. "Well, my 'forever' hasn't even begun" he sighed.

Troy shifted, rolling onto his back, his gaze tracing patterns across the ceiling. The moments of intimacy had left him lost in thought, the layers of his mind unravelling. His partner's words echoed.

"Right, you will join the army? Remind me, why?" Troy's voice held a touch of melancholy, his mind grappling with complex emotions. His partner responded, their conversation threading through unspoken desires and hidden motivations. "Troy, I need the money" came the admission, followed by a groan from Troy, expressing his frustration.

"Why can't I just give you the money for you? My dad has amassed amount of money that's just sitting there. A few thousand missing wouldn't even make a difference" Troy suggested, his words echoing with the weight of his concern. But his partner's reply was resolute. "I'm not your whore, Troy. I won't let you spend your money on me" he asserted. Troy scoffed, his rebuttal laced with playful defiance. "Lee, after the last few hours we've spent together, convincing me otherwise is a challenge"

A chuckle escaped from his partner, a mixture of amusement and affection. They had only met a week ago, yet the depth of their connection was undeniable. Despite Lee's initial warnings, Troy had succumbed to the allure of their budding affection, resembling a lovestruck puppy. The path they were walking was uncharted, but the pull between them was undeniable.

"You could always come with me" Lee suggested, an invitation layered with empathy and desire. However, the proposition met with resistance, as Troy groaned in response. "I can't just up and leave! You know that" Troy's frustration was palpable. He was ensnared by responsibilities that went beyond his own desires. Lee acknowledged the reality, but understanding didn't make it easier for Troy to accept.

Troy's life was tethered to the Ranch and a strained relationship with his father. He grappled with personal struggles that Lee could sense but didn't fully understand. Their first encounter had nearly escalated into violence, a testament to Troy's complex nature. Vulnerable moments had revealed Troy's need for affection, but also his resistance to it.

Whenever they were together, Lee was patient. He understood Troy's need for a gradual approach, nurturing Troy's sense of security and self-worth. This newfound connection was both Troy's salvation and his struggle, a mixture of love and personal demons.

Lee held unwavering patience, embracing the challenge of loving someone who was never able to love himself. Their brief time together felt like a lifetime.

Troy's struggles with his father, the Ranch, and his own identity came to the forefront. Lee pleaded, his voice gentle yet persistent. "You don't have to stay, Troy. This place is making you miserable. We could start fresh, build something together, free from the chains that bind you" Lee's efforts to persuade Troy mirrored the days he had spent occupying Troy's mind, helping him forget even for a little while.

Troy tensed, sitting up, his inner turmoil manifesting in his physical posture. "I can't, damn it! Leaving my dad all alone? There are responsibilities, chores. The Ranch doesn't run itself" he retorted, his frustration tangible. Lee remained resolute in his belief that a better life awaited them elsewhere. But Troy's sense of duty and the intricacies of his relationship with his father held him captive, much like the Ranch itself.

Sighing, Troy rose to his feet, his urgency apparent. He retrieved his clothes. Lee's plea to make him understand resonated deeply, but Troy was at a loss for words. Frustration melded with sadness, leaving a lingering ache in his heart. His hurried exit, without a goodbye, was both an act of self-preservation and an unintentional mystery left in Lee's hands.

Upon returning home, Troy faced his father's wrath, the scent of alcohol heavy in the air. Trembling under the weight of Jeremiah's presence, Troy stumbled over his words as he explained his whereabouts. Jeremiah's anger was palpable, the alcohol fuelling his agitation. The glass that shattered against the walls mirrored the fragments of Troy's stability, and the terror that gripped him.

Jeremiah's demand for an explanation escalated, his fury building. Troy's attempts to justify his actions were met with violence. The barrage of slaps, each one a painful reminder of his past, left Troy battered and broken. The ordeal forced him to face the suffocating reality of his existence.

The following hours blurred into a nightmare. Troy tended to the aftermath in hushed silence, dreading his father's awakening and the inevitable repercussions. Bruised and broken, he tended to his wounds, seeking solace in the darkness that shrouded his room.

Troy's life was a tapestry woven with pain, longing, and the glimmer of hope that had ignited in the arms of a stranger. As he drifted into an uneasy slumber, he carried his scars, both visible and hidden.

48 Hours Before Departure

Awakening before the sun cast its first rays, Troy found himself facing a decision he had long contemplated. With a heavy heart, he slipped out of his home unnoticed, a determined expression set upon his face. The familiar hum of the Jeep's engine accompanied his solitary drive into the city, where he would take a step towards an unthinkable choice – signing up for the military, an escape that bore a semblance of honour.

Driven by a mix of determination and desperation, Troy's footsteps eventually led him to Lee's doorstep. As he parked the car, uncertainty gripped him, his heart echoing the tumultuous emotions within. Lee had offered patience and kindness despite Troy's complexities, making him feel valued despite his own doubts. Taking a deep breath, Troy mustered the courage to approach the door and knocked softly.

A dishevelled Lee answered, his voice laced with sleepiness as he questioned Troy's unexpected visit. The early hour cast shadows of guilt upon Troy's features, his conscience acknowledging that he had disrupted Lee's rest. "I... I just wanted you to know that I did it. I signed up for the army" Troy admitted in a hushed tone, his eyes meeting Lee's tired gaze. Lee's curiosity gave way to realization, his gaze studying Troy's worn appearance.

"You did?" Lee's voice held a mixture of astonishment and concern. Taking in the sight before him, the gravity of Troy's decision seemed to weigh heavily on Lee's understanding. A tentative invitation was extended, "Do you want to come inside?" Troy's heart lifted at Lee's offer, appreciating the unwavering kindness he found.

Hours stretched into a day as Troy found solace in Lee's company. Lee's observant eyes didn't miss the marks that marred Troy's skin, evidence of a pain he had silently endured. Lee had sensed Troy's struggle, the intimate moments they shared gradually revealing the depth of Troy's suffering. Throughout the day, Lee tended to Troy, their interactions spanning from shared meals to moments of intimacy that offered respite from the horror outside.

As the sun began its descent, Troy knew he had to return to the place he both called home and feared. Stepping back into his father's house, he confronted Jeremiah in his study, the room a silent witness to their strained relationship. Troy's voice, a fragile whisper, broke through the silence as he addressed his father, revealing his decision with a mixture of apprehension and resolution. "Dad, I signed up for the army. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow. I thought you should know."

Jeremiah's response was a derisive laughter that cut through Troy's vulnerability. As the façade of amusement faded, the gravity of Troy's words settled upon Jeremiah's consciousness. The conversation quickly shifted to skepticism as Jeremiah questioned Troy's motivations. "Are you serious? And what could the military possibly do with a reckless, violent boy like you? You're good for nothing, Troy."

Troy's resolve was met with disdain, his father's words echoing years of harsh treatment and unwarranted judgment. Despite the layers of pain, Troy maintained his composure. His intention to escape the shackles of his life clashed with the reality of his father's expectations. A tense exchange ensued, each word a reminder of Troy's longing for approval that seemed eternally out of reach.

Defiantly, Troy affirmed his commitment, the decision already set in motion. But the last blow came, laced with cold indifference and malice. Jeremiah's harsh words cut deep, a final rejection that sent Troy retreating to his room. Alone in his space, Troy faced the weight of his existence, a life marred by cruelty and neglect. As the night unfolded, his room became a sanctuary of contemplation and a silent plea for change.

24 Hours Before Departure

Amidst his time with Lee, a sudden ring shattered the tranquillity. Troy's urgency to answer the call was palpable, as if an invisible force tugged at him. Swiftly, he excused himself, leaving Lee with a mix of concern and curiosity. Without a second thought, Troy dashed from his home, propelled by a sense of dread. Lee's voice echoed in the distance, calling after him, but it fell on deaf ears.

Arriving at the Ranch, Troy's fingers trembled on the steering wheel as he commandeered the Jeep towards the city. Hospital lights illuminated his path, guiding him towards an uncertain future. The receptionist's words barely registered as she directed him to his father's room. There, laid out before him, was Jeremiah, unconscious, connected to machines that held life in precarious balance.

Troy's confusion mingled with anxiety, his heart pounding with each unfamiliar beep and whirr of the machines. The doctor's explanations were a blur, drowned out by the roar of his own thoughts. His father's survival after a heart attack was a fact he struggled to grasp, overshadowed by the weight of responsibility that had now descended upon him. The doctor's advice for supervision clashed with his own impending departure.

Desperation gnawed at him as he dialled a number he had vowed never to call – his brother, Jake. The voice on the other end stirred anger within Troy, a reminder of abandonment when he needed support the most. Bracing himself, he delivered the news of their father's condition, Jake's concern piercing through the layers of resentment.

The exchange was laden with both urgency and resentment, Troy's voice tinged with vulnerability as he pleaded for his brother's presence. A deep sigh on the other end mirrored Troy's frustration, the weight of his own life's demands etched into his words. A sarcastic response held a bitter undertone, a reflection of the fractured bond between them.

"Troy?" his brother's voice came through the speaker, sending waves of anger in his veins, he left, he left him when he needed him the most "Yeah… look, I'm sorry for calling you like this, I know you have a busy life but dad had a heart attack", "what? is he okay?" Jake demanded "y-yeah… the doctors said he survived but he can't be left alone" Troy bit his bottom lip "well, thank god that you are with him then" he could hear someone else's voice with his brother, Jake wasn't alone, Jake is never alone.

He took a deep breath "that's what I wanted to talk to you about… Jake I signed up for the army, I'm departing tomorrow, can you- can you please stay with dad? It'll only be for a year" he pleaded "sure Troy, let me just put a pause on my life for a year" the sarcasm in his voice pained him "talk to the recruiters, they are obliged to withdraw your papers if there is a family emergency" Jake suggested "but- I need to- Jake, please" he begged again, feeling tears running down his cheek "I have to go now, I'll visit you guys soon though, stay for a weekend too" Jake said as if that would solve anything, it was his escape, his only chance and he took it from him.

It was unfair, how everyone seemed to get a chance of living but him, even when he tried to escape this prison, life seemed to have other plans for him, he wanted to scream, to sob, when would it be his chance at living? Why can't he get out of that place regardless of how desperate he tries? Jake left, even Mike left for a while, is he meant to die and be buried in this shitplace? He picked up his phone and called the recruiters.

The Day Of Departure

Troy left Jeremiah's frail form nestled in the hospital bed. The night wrapped him in its dark shroud as he embarked on a journey to the shipment location. Amid the shadows, he sought his missing puzzle piece, his elusive salvation — Lee. But as their paths converged, a haunting aura of desolation clung to Troy, his eyes betrayed by their reddened pallor, swollen from the sorrow that consumed him.

Lee's eager smile faded as he approached, a hesitant concern replacing it as he beheld the wreckage of Troy's once radiant spirit. The question hung heavy in the air — the unspoken "why?" that begged for an explanation. A quivering voice fractured as Troy tried to articulate his shattered dreams, the weight of his emotions pressing down on each syllable. "I can't... I told the recruiters, they... they pardoned me" he admitted, a frail admission of defeat.

A tender hand reached out, Lee's touch a lifeline that Troy clung to, his cheek seeking solace in the warmth. In that touch, he savoured the fragile beauty of what could have been, as if time compressed into that fleeting moment. "what happened?" Lee's question was a gentle nudge, an invitation to share the story behind Troy's despair. His voice, soft as a whisper, gave Troy permission to lay bare the storm within.

"Dad fell ill... a heart attack" Troy confessed, the words heavy with a guilt he could hardly bear. The weight of filial duty clashed with the relentless current of his desires, trapping him in a cruel choice. Lee's logical suggestion fell flat against the walls of Troy's prison — "Can't Jake stay with him?" The rejection was swift, a reflexive shake of his head, a protest against the possibility of relinquishing control.

"It has to be me, there's no one else... beside, it's for the best. I mean, what were we really expecting? I'm... I'm a deranged monster, I would've ruined us eventually, we- we never stood a chance against me" And then came the self-deprecation, each word a dagger that Troy wielded against himself. The confession of his own monstrosity, derangement, and pathetically wretched existence was a heart-breaking defence of his own helplessness. "This is my home... I can't leave my home" he proclaimed, as if the roots of his suffering ran deeper than he could fathom.

But Lee saw through the façade of conviction, the veiled desperation that clung to Troy's words. The young man who was once so eager to escape the chains of his past now stood defeated, his bruised face a testament to the violence he both endured and feared he would become. "Troy, it's not too late, you can't stay here... I'm terrified that this place will kill" Lee pleaded, pointing to the very evidence that blemished Troy's visage.

A hesitant nod from Troy acknowledged the painful truth Lee illuminated. But the resignation was etched in the resignation of his voice. "It'll kill me no less than where I was headed" he confessed, the cruelty of his reality laid bare. Lee's final plea hung in the air, a fragile lifeline cast into the abyss "Come with me"

He stepped closer to Lee, offering a bittersweet smile that held the echoes of a farewell. "Good luck... and... ah, write to me if you want, or forget about me, yeah, either works fine." With those words, Troy turned away from the warmth that had briefly illuminated his life, resolute in his solitary path. Unheeded were Lee's calls, his voice fading into the distance, a requiem for a love that could never fully bloom.

[violentviolette]

ASPD diagnosis anon again.

Thank for responding, I really appreciate it.

You mentioned your bipolar diagnosis affecting your rights/freedoms, what did you mean by that? I ask because personally, I have lots of things i need to address, and process, but therapy as a whole just seems like a massive risk. I'm not asking for a "do this/dont do this," I guess, but more of your perspective and experiences.

Thanks again, just let me know if it's too personal. :)

so in the us at least, it can affect a lot. bipolar disorder is considered a legal disability tho and is protected under the ADA so some of these things u can fight, while others u cant

things like workplace or educational discrimination for example, both are required to provide accomodation for bipolar individuals, but them knowing ur diagnosis at all puts u at risk for discrimination. i know most places wont hire u if they know that upfront, and in some fields (like medical, govt work, ect) outright state that u cannot have a mental health diagnosis like bipd in their field and they straight up will not even consider hiring u

it can affect ur ability to get or renew a drivers liscence, especially specialty liscences like CDL's and motorcycle

it greatly affects ur medical treatment overall. ive had problems with some dr's not taking me seriously because they see i have a bipd dx. i had a bone tumor the size of a baseball in my shoulder for years and when i told dr's it felt like i couldnt breathe and that something was pushing my shoulder out they dismissed me as being a hypochonriac and told me to talk to my therapist. i also need to make a point to appear put together when i see certain dr's or else they take it as a sign im declining mentally

were often at an increased risk for involuntary hospitalizations, especially if healthcare workers believe u to be manic or having an episode. this leaves us more vulnerable to things like guardianships/conservatorships. it is much more likely for judges to rule against us in cases where someone is challenging our legal rights or trying to gain prolonged control. this can be especially dangerous for people in abusive relationships or with abusive parents.

it also counts negatively against us in family court proceedings. judges are much less likely to side with a bipolar parent in custody cases and it's much easier for partners, family members, and the state to seize control over ur children

we also cant buy or legally carry any kind of firearm or other weapons. even knives that are legal to carry for others can become issues for us if the law becomes involved. we're much more likely to be given harsher punishment and prison sentences, and more likely to be mistreated in police custody

overall tho it's about weighing the pro's and cons for u personally. for me with my bipolar, i Need medication or i will go insane and kill myself and so i really had no choice there. u need a diagnosis to access bipolar meds consistently, wheras with something like aspd, u dont need a diagnosis to access treatment so it was easy to keep that one off the books

generally tho, unless ur out here telling ur therapist ur about to shoot up the grocery store or kill ur dog or throw urself infront of traffic, getting hospitalized when ur just seeking average talk therapy is fairly unlikely. hospitals are overfull and the mental health system is way overworked and understaffed and most places dont want to fight with insurances that dont want to cover stays. so u do generally have to be saying some extream things to risk being coded currently, at least in my experience. ive been held for 24hr stays before, but never longer than that. they almost always dont have a bed and so unless ur really losing ur shit infront of them they dont want to have to keep u.

also if u seek out dbt centered therapy and resources they tend to be better about handling hearing the nasty symptoms without getting too nervous. things like issues with empathy and anger management are much more common for patients seeking dbt. it also helps if u tell them these things upfront. this makes u appear more self aware and in control, which works in ur favor and makes it less likely they'll view u as an active threat to urself or others. but it really just comes down to what ur looking for personally

[cyanocoraxx]

I jus wanna say that I've read thru all yur fics like..a while ago and haven't gotten the chance to say it until now - but I absolutely love how you portray metal and the others. I've read and reread every fic a couple times and auug just...wow is what I have to say

I stumbled upon the fic with Metal like hiding in the dark first about..a few weeks ago? But reading everything afterwards got me through a pretty tough time, the stuff you write is such a pleasant specific in exactly what I want to read about and I thought I'd never find it but I did! And I'm so glad it exists too :] I'll have to read through everything again and give more in depth compliments but I love love love how you show each character dealing with their problems and how some things persist even though they're out of it happening further, even through that all they're managing it the best they can and they're helping eachother with the stuff they struggle with [i.e silvers ear, mechas sight, neo being mute]

I love how they all have their own ways of showing affection towards their siblings too, the way Neo quietly lingers and watches to Silvers jokes its just auaughhg such a breath of fresh air

I DO wanna ask though it was in my head I think in chapter 16?? or so of Damage, where Neo is apologising to the badniks - was one of those responses a reference to Whirl by any chance? It me stop for a second when I read it hshshsh / pos

okay firstly i'm so very sorry for the late reply, you sent this 4 days ago and i was at WORK for 4 days and wanted to take the time to sit down and respond properly <3

thank you. i can't say it enough so just imagine that i'm on my knees sobbing with the biggest eyes right now because the fact that you took time to send such a lovely message is so uplifting and just EPIC..........

in regards to the pleasant specific thing, a lot of the things i covered/cover in my stories are things i see not being addressed in others and i want to try offering something that isn't discussed as often or as in depth as it should be. i often find that, in many stories, a character struggles with a personal issue, disability, or other hardship and then some hero comes along and makes it all just fine or is able to hold their hand through it 24/7. reality doesn't work that way and i wanted to reflect that in a lot of ways.

yes, neo can speak to mecha in their coded language, but not to other beings without sign, which not everyone understands either. being able to speak to mecha is a plus, but it doesn't make neo's life easier. it's frustrating. it's isolating. it means they may need to depend on mecha sometimes. but when it works out and someone can communicate with them freely, it really works out, and there's that spark of hope and community. silver is deaf in one ear and can compensate in some ways, but it trips him up spatially and internally as it should. mecha's ptsd comes up a lot, as it should - yes, mecha has a support system in her family, but nobody can outright "cure" her trauma. it's something she will carry with her, some days are better than others. silver's grief at experiencing loss at a young age isn't fixed by having his brothers come home safe again. it was traumatic and frightening for a young being like him, and that's something that changed his outlook on life and mortality. he was comparatively lucky that neo was able to be repaired, and he knows that. he feels strong empathy for anybody who lost someone who just. can't come back. then we have the other side, which is mecha's lack of empathy and initial emotional flattening. a lack of empathy doesn't mean a lack of compassion and i wanted/needed to explore this. mecha is undeniably one of the kindest characters i created and she can't feel the depth of emotion that others do. wanted to challenge the notion that a lack of empathy means you're inherently a bad person, because by all accounts, mecha wants to do what is right and good and makes sense. neo's psychosis lingers and he worries about coming out of remission. silver's adhd-like mind moves fast and with emotion. MANY THINGS!!!

i love so so much that you picked up on the different kinds of affection as well, it made me VERY happy and i did a little dance to myself!!!!! silver is very physical and verbal, neo is very protective and banters, and mecha tries to understand by speaking and listening closely.

and YES. i fucking love whirl. i don't remember the exact refs i made when writing but there's a couple of transformers bits here and there.

writing the original fic was a long process. i originally started back when i lived in a phsyically/emotionally/financially/you name it-abusive home. i had just come out of a months-long psychotic break caused by the stress, discovered i was a system, all that fun stuff. through the course of the fic i escaped, lived with a few different friends in different cities, went thru the whole trans coming out thing, and by the last chapter i was sitting in my own home with my pet rats on my lap and we were all safe and happy - with c-ptsd, scars, and other shit still with us, but we were finally okay. it really was like coming home and it was the perfect time for the story to end. i think, in a way, writing the brothers pulled me through and to hear that it's helped others is so lovely. i'm so glad. i hope you feel better, and if not, stay resilient, be kind to yourself, always. my inbox is always open. <3