#LIKE YES. you can't let medicine make you stupid about everything else you need to READ.

[baezdylan]

i just LOVEEEE learning about the world i just loveeeee loveeeeee loveeeeeee it......

[lovee-infected]

Hello!! Can I request headcanons about gn mc who got sick (with fever or something to the point they can't go to school) and the twst boys decided to visit and take care of them? I've always enjoyed your headcanon! Thank you!!

Riddle Rosehearts

He's got much of a weak immune system himself so he's usually prepared for unexpected situations like this. He knows what to do.

Just lay back against your pillow, do exactly as he says and you'll return to full health in no time

He'd probably be really angry if he finds you out of bed without his permission or spending too much time over your phone and reading books; he insists on you resting and much as possible.

He agrees on being possibly a -bit- over protective but he doesn't mind. If this will do any good at your healing process then he's more than okay with it.

Whenever you tell him to stop over stressing himself because of you he just goes: " Me ? Over stressing? Of course not! If you wish me to be calmer than I already am, then stop playing around and rest well till you get better."

He truly does work his hardest for you while you need him, from takings notes of what has been teached during your absence to spending at least 2 hours a day with you, making sure that nothing goes wrong.

As the strict leader of Heartslabyul, he usually spends most of the day watching over students and checking whether they are doing good at school and exams or not, but for now he cuts back on these responsibilities to take care of you. He may not shout that out loudly, but he always puts you before any other responsibilities he might have. Perhaps he enjoys spending time with you just as much as he enjoys having fresh strawberry tarts.

Trey Clover

You were still trying to catch up with the classes but Trey just knew that it'd be too much. It was him who made you forget about the school and instead, rest in your room.

You are a bit stressed out about not being able to take care of your chores, but thankfully he is there for you. He isn't known as heartslabyul's mother for no reason, make sure that he knows how to caress and pamper you better than anyone else.

Aside checking on you every day and bringing you additional medicines and food, he makes sure to collect notes of everything that is teached during your apsence so you won't have problems catching up with the studies afterwards . No need to mention that his cooking on the other hand is stunning, 5 star chef Trey at your service.

He understands that it might be a bit boring laying down in bed without anyone to talk to, so he often comes to you as you need someone to talk to and also brings you your favorite books to read so you won't get any bored when he can't be there.

He never says a word to make you feel any bad or frustrating about being nursed by him, instead he knows how to motivate you to get better even sooner: " Nursing you is absolutely adorable, but I don't want my dear (y/n) stuck in a bed all day while I'm willing to show you way more exciting things than a just couple of books,"

Cater Diamond

Clones, clones and clones :Time to get to work! The best part with it is that he can always make sure to have at least one of his clones watching over you even if he's busy with school or stuff, not that he lets you know what he's doing though.

You wonder why Cater's staying with you 24/7, as a third year student, isn't he supposed to be like, really busy with studying? Cater assures you that there's nothing to worry about, and it seriously isn't. He can always catch up with everything even his actual self stays all night at yours.

While his use of clones might seem a bit tricky, he still makes sure to provide you with anything you as long as you're sick need and even more: Bringing you roses and chibi, stuffed animals as gifts, along with sweet chill chats whenever you're awake, sending you soft love quotes with a bunches of colorful hearts and kisses via text even as he's right beside you, He enjoys how you'll need to look up your messages to see what he texts you allthough he's sitting just a few meters away from you. Aw, the way you blush whenever youlok at your phone, how cute~

Ace Trappola

What's the purpose of going to school when he does not understand a single word of it while his mind is all stuck on you? What are doing now? Are you fine? Does your chest Still hurt? Has your pain gotten any worse? Is there someone with you right now? What if you need help??

He's about to lose his mind, he tries asking someone free to check on you but there doesn't seem to be such a person available at the moment. 'That's it , I'll go on my own'

With the help of the year gang ( Jack, Deuce and Epel) he fakes breaking his leg during a PE session and yeets off the school for an entire week. YES!

He is moving to your place for a couple of days and Deuce will cover up for him whenever someone asks where Ace is.

Ace just knows that you're sick, he isn't sure of the exact name or type of your illness. On his way to yours, he fills a bag with anything he finds at Heartslabyul's cabinets with any title as -medicine- for you. He'll later look for the right one you need between them.

When you get to look into what he has brought, you aren't sure if he's kidding or not and when you ask, Ace realizes that he's really goofed up: what he actually brought was nothing else than animal medicines, and he he literally brought you each and every of them existing in Heartslabyul; how come didn't he see the pets/only label-??

You're lucky that you already have your medicines prepared, so you tell him not to worry about it. He feels so damn embarrassed wanting to melt into earth right now, but you have to admit he really lifted up your mood. You're happy to have your cute, Crabby-haired idiot besides you while you're sick, and he tries his best to help you with cooking and making sure of you taking your right medicines on time to make up for the mess he made on his first day:" Ehehe...at least...you can use some of them when Grim gets sick, right ?"

Deuce Spade

He really wants to stay there taking care of you but... he has to go to school as well. He has to get much higher grades this semester if he doesn't want to have to spend another year as a first year.

He can't skip any of classes, but promises to spend the rest of his day after school.

He rushes with his school uniform still on to your place, not wanting to be even a second late . He has to carry some casual clothes along with his books since he wants to stay over nights if you need him.

Due to get getting in trouble a lot back at the time, he's rather educated in medical field so he knows much and less of what he'll need to do as you're sick?

His cooking isn't something he can rely on so he goes to Trey, telling that he needs some soup for Ace since he seems to be looking a bit sick lately?

He prepares your food, brings you warm towels, repeatedly checks your body temperature and when you're finally asleep, gets to his own studies. He ends up Having fewer than 3 hours of night sleep multiplr times and once, he didn't get any sleep at all.

He tries his hardest to look his best in front of you so you won't notice how terrible he actually is; when you question the bags under his eyes, he claims them to be left from the mascara which a couple of guys put on him a few days ago for fun and consistently laughs. Damn, this boy doesn't even know how to lie huh? He is literally dying, but he won't tell you a word. He can handle worse...

When you finally return to full health you realize how terrible he's been doing lately and you take rule of his nurse this time. Making sure that your cinnamon roll would finally get some sleep.

Leona Kingscholar

"My room, now". You look way too terrible to be able to make it to the classes therefore he has to make sure that you won't do anything stupid while you need to be taking some rest.

Bringing you to his own room wasn't his main intention since he just wanted to keep an eye on you but couldn't afford to visit you everyday if you didn't live any close to him so, easiest solution to the problem would be you staying with him.

He lets you use his bed but keeps on reminding you that it's just because you're sick so you better not be expecting such things to ever happen again. He would fall asleep in less than a minute at whatever he lays his head on, so sleeping on the ground isn't as hard as it seems. He just had to make sure that you would't step on him or his tail when you walk out of the bed.

He can ask Ruggie to nurse you and all, but decides to do most of your stuff on his own because it'd be a lot worse if Ruggie too gets sick. Sharing the same room with you has already put him on a pretty high infection risk so, that wouldn't really matter if he's the one nursing you or not. He doesn't really mind getting sick either, a free chance to take some days off school and chill; why not ?

He turns out to be pretty good with board games and there's no need to worry about getting bored while you can go for 100+ chess matches with Leona winning you each and every time; a bit ironic, but entertraining nonetheless.

He's actually really enjoying spending time with you, but isn't really expressing it. The only time when he actually shows some direct affection is when he plants secret kisses on your forehead as you're asleep.

Ruggie Bucchi

He has grown up in an awfully poor family with multiple siblings, so he's pretty familiar to the pain of seeing those you hold dear sick .He has turned into a not only responsible but also supportive boy toward friends and family, so you can make sure that he can take the best care of you while you're sick.

Perhaps his only problem is...Leona. He'd need Ruggie around even during school time and the hyena boy can't even have a full 30 minutes away from him which makes it impossible for Ruggie to take his time checking on you at least once a day.

Well, he has to find a way to babysit both of you at the same time so, -Let's take you to his own room-

Great ! He no longer needs to worry now that he can take care of you both. Leona too agrees on you staying at his as long as you don't cause any trouble.

Poor Ruggie has to sleep on the floor but assure you that he rarely gets to be the one sleeping on bed back in the home so, he is kinda used to sleeping on the cold ground.

He knows how to cook? Much and and less of it but who cares? He just asks you what you want and returns with it in 30 minutes; guess why: Because he'd just borrow the food from someone else. He doesn't mind his dirty ways indeed, you're sick so, you're more important than some dude wanting to chill on his food during lunchtime.

He just takes a list of medicines you may need and returns with all of them in his bag. He has to come at the right time on his own every time you have to take any of them since you'd most likely either fall asleep or forget to take them on time.

Enjoy your time with him, because it's gonna be a real luxury. He'd treat you nothing less than the way he treats Leona as he's sick so, you may consider yourself a part of a royal family at his service.

Jack Howl

Fluffy tsundere wolf is ready to give up on all he's got for you, what on earth might be sweeter than this ?

The moment, no, the second he realizes that you're not feeling well, Jack would immediately take you to the nurse office to see if you're. It's such a relief that it isn't thst serious, all you need to do is to take some rest.

Meanwhile you're resting in bed, he'll do the shopping and asks the kitchen for some soup ( You're sick you can't have too salty or sweet foods like normal cafeteria meals ) He gives up on his own meal to get some for you instead, it's just hunger of course he can handle it.

He feeds you and makes sure that you'll finish your entire meal, reminds you to take your medicines on time, brings you your favorite books to read and, most importantly, listens to... anything you'd ask him for.

He hardly ever lets anyone touch his ears or tail but if it's you, why not? You even fall asleep hugging his tail like a doll and he just patiently waits for you to wake up, blushing as he appreciates how cute you look while asleep.

Damn he has to keep the distance otherwise he as well would end up being sick but, it just seems impossible to say no when you ask for cuddles.

Jack tells you stories of his home town and national legends making your mouth drop in fascination. His stories seem to amaze him just as they amaze you and it makes him unbelievably happy to see you liking things he's been appreciating all over his life.

He even gets to the point of talking about his will to become all mighty and strong just like the magicians he looks up to, especially Leona. Just watching his strength gives you the will to overcome your illness and be at least a bit like Jack; he's really great, isn't he?

Azul Ashengrotto

No no no- Unacceptable! You shouldn't be sick, you shouldn't -get- sick- He told you to watch what you eat and what you wear as it's raining out there - HE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES- But now what? You are sick.

Azul panicks, he keeps on exaggerating the whole thing even if it's just a normal cold. He just isn't the type to easily deal with sicknesses. Whenever he catches a cold, it'll take him weeks to return to full health due to how weak his body is and, he's so worried about you being the same.

Soup, warm water bath, Medicines , magic potions to reduce the fever, ultimate revival spells... he showers you in all of them. Even if the virus won't kill you Azul's overprotection will most likely do, and he'll get really mad if you tell him that he's exaggerating it.

When you regain half of your full health, you ask him to let you return to school and- He immediately pits you back in bed: "No leavings, not until you're done with this troublesome fever or whatever."

You feel like an adult forced to stay in a cradle and wear diapers meanwhile Azul thinks that you're too naive to take your health seriously.

When you finally manage to pull him over, you realize how sick and pale he's gotten since you got sick. The bags under his eyes proved that he hasn't been getting much of sleep recently. "God what have you done to yourself-"

You finally tell him that he's the one who needs help , not you. You plant a kiss on his cheek and force his head to your lap, wanting him to get some sleep. He slowly understands that he might've been taking it a bit too seriously, but since you are fine now, he's kinda glad that he took it hard on you. He just wants you to be safe and sound; even if his it's going to cost his own health on the first placd.

Jade Leech

Humans get sick? It's pretty rare of aquatic creatures, especially eels to get sick so Jade's pretty new to this . 'wow , pathetic , aren't humans?' he thinks . Well anyway he can't just stand back and make fun humans while you seem to be in serious pain, but what can he do? He still has a lot to learn about human life and it's his first time having one of them sick, oh man.

Well, they tell that you should get some...rest ? Well maybe he should take you to bed. First step done , let's go for the rest. He blocks several of his classmates in the corners asking for... information. He simply takes notes . Possibly useful medicines and meals, hours of sleeping, allowed activities, useful tips, warnings, etc.

He has to read the list several times to make sure that he's got it all right. Let's nurse (y/n).

He unexpectedly goes from 0 to 100 like bam- bye eel boy hello nurse Leech. He'll turn your room into a hospital room, a good one though, filled with dolls and flowers and anything he was told to add because they send away positive vibes.

His cooking on the other hand is amazing. He'll look for several light meals for sick bodies but- chooses those which match your tastes . You can't help but to love everything he cooks . Chef's kiss.

He changes your bed pillow and cloths everyday, returning with washed, silky pillows and covers . A warm, smooth bed is what you need for a good sleep.

If there was such a status he would've been the god of nursing; wow you would've needed pay him off a lot for his service if he wasn't giving it all to his darling for free.

When you finally regain your health, he just has one more question left to ask before leading you to your daily classes: "Now now dear, would you mind rating me , and my nursing service?"

seem like he's really curious to see whether he's done it correctly or not.

Floyd Leech

Things seem so uncool when you're not as energetic as always , pale skin as if you're choking on lack of oxygen and bizarreness in your movements like a doll, smh, so boring.

Just like Jade, he's pretty new to surface life and watching you bear with illness looks pretty weird in his eyes?

When Jade, finally, informs him on what exactly happens to human body while struggling with an illness and what he must do to you to get rid of this annoying mode, he understands. Floyd still finds human's body shitty for how weak it is but decides to use Jade's words as a guide to deal with you.

A warm bed, fluffy pillows and stuffed animals, these seemed to be enough for step one: Enough of rest and sleep. He can't blame you on this one though, sleeping is always amazing. Something that never gets boring. Everything seems to be pretty fine to begin with, sadly it won't last any longer than a few hours-

He's told to bring you food, but when he returns with 4 bags filled with chocolate, candy, soda and chips; it's obvious that he didn't get the point correctly. Jade explains that your body is still way to weak for too salty or sweet foods, even highly cooked meals would worsen your immune system and make it take much longer to be healed.

Floyd goes for a second pick up and this time: this time returns with raw potatoes and frozen meat- Raw potatoes and frozen meat-. Well, he just followed everything Jade told him...? Neither too salty nor to sweet, and raw because Jade told him not to bring over-cooked stuff. Even if the virus did you no harm you would've probably died under his food selections if Jade wasn't there to stop him...

While his food choices might be horrible, Floyd's still one of the best mutuals you can have close when you aren't feeling well. With him beside you, giggling and chuckling as he rambles on how boring his day was, you've got to admit that you'd rarely feel sick when he's around. Although you're sick at the moment, nothing seems to have changed between the two of you, he enjoys spending time with you now just as much as he enjoys it when you're all safe and sound.

Well...maybe he can't be the best nurse you'd get to have , but one thing's for sure: No one can ever make you laugh like he does and, you know what say: Laughter is the best medicine~

Kalim al asim

He can't be any more worried, he stresses out whenver a friend is sick and now, it's not just a friend, it's -you-, one of the dearest and closest ones Kalim had ever had; just how can he keep calm ???

He is being raised under severe health protection and hardly ever catches even a simple cold, several people had taught him strict health routines and he had to follow them all over his life, so he is considerably familiar with ways of overcoming and illness , and that's what he's here for!

Jamil forbids him from cooking since it's too dangerous if he needs to use any knifes, but that wouldn't hold him back from finding enormous food recipes based on your favorite condiments to make your meal more pleasant.

He makes sure to prepare anything you need in a matter of seconds, golden peacock or 5000 camels, doesn't matter ! He's got way more than enough and what use would be better than giving them to you?

He can take care of you on his own, but Jamil insists on Kalim leaving it all to him and stay away from you as much as possible (No need to mention the high risk of infection for Kalim since he's almost sticking to you all the time)

Jamil as well would caress you meanwhile you rest at Scarabia (Right, Kalim proudly brought you there ) and Kalim, makes sure to stay close to you as much as he can, mostly when Jamil isn't around to tell him off- He doesn't want to put Jamil in more trouble but, you are his first priority.

You're bound to your bed, but just having Kalim around brings way more fascinating adventures than what you might get to see out there. His stories really do show you to a whole new world and takes the pain in your lungs and chest way further that your mind could catch . Perhaps Kalim is he one and only who can make your mind fly, even as your body's laying lifelessly in bed.

Jamil Viper

For the first time, someone stressed him out more than Kalim always does. He's always expecting to be scared to death because of him, but because of you? Damn he didn't see this coming.

Depending on what your illness is, he manages to freak out even more or clam himself down to his sane self, but the main point is how he's got to serve you all the best until you're totally safe.

He soon prepares any kind of medicine and chemical you may need and you have to use them all properly, don't even think of rejecting any single one of them otherwise Jamil would force feed you: "Don't be such a baby, you won't get any better unless you have these"

Just like Azul, he might be a bit overprotective with your health since he doesn't even let you leave the bed for more than a few minutes. He insists on you avoiding any sort of activities that may be tiring or heavy to your body.

To be honest, the thought of using his snake whisper on you when you don't behave or ask him to stop being so strict over a simple illness crosses his mind. Luckily, he refuses to use it. You're still his lover that'd be too heartless of him to take advantage of you like this just because you can't see how much he loves you.

He needs to keep the distance, but has to admit that it can be really hard to avoid hugging and kissing all over your face when you're gazing at him with that sweet smile.

Having you close makes Jamil realize how affectionate he actually is: How much he misses the healthy and happy you who he was never in a danger. Well maybe this nursing days gives him a lesson to at least try to have some sweeter time with you while you are all safe and sound - and not tiredly laying in your bed.

Vil Schoenheit

You can consider yourself nothing less than a Prince/ Princess when Vil of all people is caressing you. Your body is still way too weak to have control of anything going on in your life at the moment, and that's how Vil takes control over all of them- all in your life. Which means that you now have to live and do as he wishes.

He will take no effort in turning you into one of the fairest of all students in school (Not that you'll ever reach him though) as long as he can have his eyes over you. His rules are way more than just -beauty- ; just as he can be the all fair and powerful Queen who steps on you, he knows how to play the role of the nurse like a Queen would do~

A royal maiden is only to serve the royal family, so it's time to show how much of a princess /prince you can be in bed. You don't need to worry about your medicines or meals since Vil's always organized and on time with them, not to mention that his cooking too seems to be pretty good. He uses light yet, nutritious recipes that you'd enjoy and you're really surprised because these kinds food don't really look tasty.

Perhaps he just needed an excuse all this time to get this close to you, so he can take care of anything he's been dreaming to do with you all this time. Pedicure and manicure, trying on new fruit masks, resting face and body muscles to have a smoother, cleaner skin, etc.

Your room is a beauty salon at this point and you usually forget that you're actually sick.

He works on not only your physical beauty but also your manners, he doesn't care if you're sick or not . It's the best time to take away your poor manners and habits.

Well the scary Queen has got his own soft spots too; while indirectly giving you beauty lessons, he enjoys teasing you as you sometimes look pretty naive and new to all dos and don'ts of a high-level life like his, and he's more than pleased to teach you: "Pull yourself together , potato."

Rook Hunt

He isn't really into the whole nursing game but- If it's an opportunity to stalk caress and admire you all night, why not?

He is lowkey familiar with the basics so, it isn't supposed to be that difficult to handle . Finding pills and medicines isn't hard either since they can all be found at mister S's shop. ( He would've liked it better if he had to get them from a moster or something, anything more adventurous)

Though he doesn't really like quiet and safe journeys he'd actually appreciate it if it's with you. And of course, he won't let anyone else take advantage. Let it just be with the two of you and all~

He isn't about to hurt or scare you in any sort way; it's true that he just loves it when things get a bit dangerous but, he knows how to manage excitement as well. You want him to be a soft gentleman? Then that's what he's going to be.

Rook would be the softest Rook you could've ever imagined when he plays the nurse. It can't even be called nursing: It's about a passionate lover spending all his time with his darling who isn't feeling well. Even his expressions are taken to a totally different level, the mysterious smile he always puts on is replaced with a worried and, mildly sad gaze that makes your heart melt.

Might sound too dramatic bug he may even sing you to sleep. Sweetest words ever dancing to the rhythm of his unique accent that make your cheeks hurt at trying not to blush. This isn't the only drama he's up to though, even his normal speaking often ends up with your mind drowning in feelings. He won't bother giving you soft kisses on hand and forehead when you don't expect it. He likes surprising you, even if it's in a romantic way.

And...the real Rook, is only out when you're asleep. Sitting on a chair just a few inches away from your bed, a pair of eyes carefully follow the pace of your chest as it rises and falls. He's never tired, a huntsman gets no sleep as long as his prey's close by. Wow, if sweetness is all he needed to approach you, then he should give it a try more often~

Epel Felmier

His first reaction to hearing of you being sick is summarised in :Gasping, Blushing, Questioning, Sad puppy eyes. "It's just a simple fever...right? (Y/n) will soon be better..." , Epel confronts himself. He isn't getting overly emotional, but when it comes to you, he does have a sensitive spot.

At first, it is his anxiety over your health that makes him want to come over to your house to check up on you everyday but , it soon ends up being more serious. What if this is an opportunity to prove his reliability? You'd finally get to see how much of a strong and helpful man he can be. Even as he looks soft.

While Epel's trying his hardesr to seem a tough as possible, you can't help but to adore his cuteness as he is doing his best while you're sick. He bakes you the best of apple pies you've ever had and you have to admit; being sick can't hold you back from enjoying the sweet taste of fresh, caramelized baked apples melting in your mouth.

Growing up to be a country boy, he never really relied on chemicals as a useful cure to any illnesses. He's more into organic ways of helping human body into regaining its lost energy, which can be put as : 1) Healthy food 2) Enough of sleep and rest 3) Lifted up spirits and enough of humor. He'd be really protective over the last option, he wants to make sure that your self-esteem and spirits would be way better than ever

He has to keep the distance, but some small cuddles would not hurt, right? Perhaps some small forehead kisses before bedtime too. He's still pretty uncomfortable with kisses but, since you're sick...that can be counted as an exception.

Idia Shroud

He's been away from humanity for too long; long enough to almost forget that humans get sick. Robots sometimes have their codings crashed or their gears damaged, that's when they'll need an engineer to repair them . How did the cure system work with humans?? He can't really remember. Due to spending time with almost nobody except Ortho (who happens to be a robot) and hardly ever leaving his room and as the result, barely getting sick, Idia is pretty new to human body's metabolism; he isn't sure of what he might be able to do for you. But, humans have something called...immune system, right? Ah something that heals body on its own. Well maybe relying on that would be enough.

He decides to give you some far distance support instead of comimg all way down to your dorm . He can't be any more happier of technology's existence for such cases. Your immune system can heal you on its own, all he've got to do is to send some motivation your way. The summary of most of his extremely motivational texts would be : "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! Keep it up (y/n)!!👊✨💥" and when you reply telling him how terrible you're feeling he'd just try to look for strongers sentences-

He repeatedly mistakes humans and robots and accidently texts you:" why don't you get someone to repair you?" several times. Then goes to bang his head against the wall realizing how dumb he's acting.

When you get worse he gives up. Maybe those sentences wasn't enough of motivation . Idia really does want to come visit you in person but he seems to be bound to his area. Well at least, Ortho isn't, right? He comes up with a way better idea to program Ortho to take care of you while Idia can't do it himself. He copied hundreds of anatomy, human biology and medicine to Ortho's data list. Well that seems to be enough. He can now cook, wash clothes, brings you your medicines and most importantly, remain by your side all the time as you may need help. Idia puts s small camera on Ortho so he'd be able to watch what's going on as long as you need Ortho's his help. He feels quite guilty for not showing up on his own but- maybe it's just better this way. Coming in person would do no good but him freaking out at not knowing what to do which would end up in making you feel worse. Long distance watch as he controls Ortho around is way better, even if he has to keep his eyes on tablet 24/7. He cuts back on his sleeping to make sure that nothing would go wrong. Even long distance watch seems to be stressful at this point...

He does care about you, a lot, but right now, he's no prepared to show physical affection. Let him show his love through his very own ways, he's just taking baby steps with you <3

Malleus Draconia

"Now now little one, don't give in so easealy. I know you're stronger than this..." Malleus motivates you. You certainly aren't going to die just because of a simple fever but still, wow. Humans -are- truly weak and fragile. He shouldn't really be caring for a mortal being especially if it's a human, but you are an 'exception'; you always are.

He could just leave you to Lilia and Sebek and you would've been under their watch and care 24/7, but he prefers to do this on his own since you are his favorite creature. He doesn't mind seeing how you'd overcome the pain even if it's with a simple cold. He wants to get more of you and your expressions.

He doesn't really have much to do, magic can do it all. All it takes to turn your depressing room into a prince/princess's dreamy bedroom is a twist of a finger. Go on and tell him what you want , you shall have in within a second. "All the best for you, child of man~"

While his significant magic skills are all truly stunning and helpful, his presence on his own seems to be the best part of him nursing you. He is your tsunotarou, afterall~ Not the descendant of Mistress of all Evil but only when it comes to you.

Sometimes he'd make you wish you'd stay in bed forever and ever, all to have him here, by your side. Just to have his soft, slender fingers brushing against your cheek and playing with the tip of your hair.

He does talk, but most of the time being is spent in silence since he doesn't want to bother you if it's hard for you to talk. He may pretend to be busy with something else but it's just to take your mind over the fact that he's watching you all the time. His small gestures are just as sensual as his words. Kisses on forehead, locking his dragon eyes with you , brushing your soft hair with hand as you lay on his shoulder (not that he cares about keeping the distance although you're sick. Your human illnesses are way too weak to do any harm to him, anyway~ )

His favorite time of the day is when you're asleep. You're adorable and lovely all time but, your sleeping pose, it's unimaginably beautiful to him. Watching your calm face empty of any emotion followed by the calm, yet, organized pace in your breathing as your chest falls and rises. He barely gets any sleep during the night, he doesn't need it. Watching you is way more pleasing: "Sweet dreams, my precious little human~"

Lilia Vanrouge

The most experienced, dedicated nurse here. He's been raising many of baby faes and struggling with a young, fireball shooter baby Malleus over the years. Nursing a fragile ill human like you is no more than a warm-up for him.

Chill on your bed and let him take care of everything, from the warm towels to fluffy blankets and pillows. Smooth music playing in your room as you take short naps, plushies and teddy bears around your bed giving you feelings of a newborn baby sleeping in a warm and fancy bed.

That's not all, along with his professional nursing skills, having Lilia himself around would take it all to a whole new level. He is so full of contrasts; Young and old, quite and wild, wise and careless, serious and silly and probably hundreds of other adjectives you can name.

Where else would you find a nurse who'd play you your favorite rock tracks on his guitar in the afternoon while at night, brings you cookies and hot milk to have while listening to his old but -gold- stories before going to sleep?

Lilia has got it all, old, new, calm, wild, and perhaps that's how it's never boring when he's the one you are spending time with. 'Sickness with benefits' to call. But, don't forget his horrible cooking skills.

Better hide some canned food under your pillow to save yourself from starvation when he's not around, refuse to eat his food st any cost (otherwise you'll need another 2 week hospitalized because of food poisoning-)

Make sure to thank your adorable bat nurse when you're back to full health; even if your stomach's still in pain because of his nasty cooking.

Silver

It's...his first time taking care pf someone. He is neither experienced nor educated when it comes to human health... especially because of how he's been living with fairies (who barely get sick) all over his life. The only reliable source for him would be his own memories; how Lilia used to take care fo him when he was a child. There isn't much he can remember but that'd do

Nursing doesn't seem to be that hard when he actually gives it a try - Mostly about you sleeping all day. Wow if sleeping this much is considered to be a symptom of being sick, then Silver himself has to be sick as hell 24/7. He isn't really sure if that's concerning or not

He is doing good since he seems go be pretty responsible and calm toward the whole thing, but don't expect him to be on time.

Silver wants to make sure that you'll take your medicines on time but he often fails to. He oversleeps most of the time and when he's up, he'd panic knowing that you missed your hourly medicine again.

He'd lowkey feel frustrated and useless when he misses stuff because of his sleeping issues, especially when it comes to you. He have to go for a stronger method so, he ends up in using 7 different clocks and alarms to make sure that he won't miss anything anymore; you're sick. He has to do all his best to take care of you. Nobody matters more than you do. Alarm clocks he uses are freaking loud and give him a heart attack whenever he uses them to wake up. Poor guy would need a long sleep when you're better.

He often falls asleep next to your bed after making sure that you are having a peaceful night sleep. He places a goodnight kiss on your forehead lays his head at the bottom of your bed. Who knows, maybe he would dream of you tonight, again.

Sebek Zigvolt

There's no way that you'd ever come close to master Malleus but- he still cares for you, a lot. Perhaps as much as he cares for Malleus although he refuses to confess to it. He is trained and skilled for all possible emergencies so he's all prepared to take the best possible care of you and make sure that you'll return to full health in no time.

He just knows what he is doing and makes sure that things would run smoothly. He is keeping each and every aspect in consideration and can organize everything like no one else can. From your sleeping schedule to light exercises required as you're sick. He insists on you starting to develop a better life style so that you won't end up in bed and lose time like this.

It's nice to have someone keeping the balance of your life when you need it, but when it's Sebek we're talking about, know that he might go a bit -too far- with it. He'd be overly protective and strict while you need a considerable deal of sympathy and softness too since you're sick - He collects notes of everything that was teached while you were sick and brings them to you to study, telling you that it'd be impossible to keep up with the rest of the lessons unless you study them right now, in your bed. And when you complain of it being hard to read and sit due to how weak your body is, he returns with the solution: Audio books (He isn't giving up... deal with it )

Studying isn't your only issue: he's being protective over each and every muscle you move. He'd wake you up early in the morning for a light, morning work out and doesn't let you out of the bed for the rest of the day. Whenever you complain, that's what his answer would be: " Master Lilia has blessed me with these , gloriously impressive lessons he's learned through experiences within his long- lasting life!! I believe in his words from the bottom and there's surely no cure greater than this if he says so" poor boy isn't considering he possibility of Lilia tricking him again at all.

This puppy means good, even if he fails to show it as great as you might be expecting him to. In fact he is just following all that he's told to, meanwhile he's pretty inexperienced and new to it. You may find it a bit unfair but, consider that he would've never gone out of his way to take care of you for plenty of hours everyday if it wasn't for you (Or Malleus-) seeing you sad on its own gives him wet puppy vibes let alone having you sick . He may act like a coward but, it's all because of how much you mean to him.

[sunpopp]

Warm to The Touch | {CCH}

→ Summary; it's not often that Chanhee gets sick, but when he does, he's a very big crybaby about it. That, or he really is in as much pain as he says he is—regardless that leaves you to take care of him, and funnily enough, it has its perks.

• WC/genre: 2K of smut + fluff

• Includes/cw: Chanhee being sick and reader taking care of him, no kissies on lips 😔, sub!Chanhee, gn!reader, fingering (m receiving), dick neglection (?), handjobs, brief praise, aftercare

Riding the bus wasn't your favorite thing to do, but it was soothing if you were in the right mood.

Sadly, you weren't. Mostly due to the fact that Chanhee was quite literally blowing up your phone with texts asking how much longer it'd take you to be off the train and on your way with his precious medicine, making you sigh and roll your eyes before shooting him a reply that you'd be there soon, but knowing nothing would calm him down until you were in front of him to prove it.

You can't help but smile.

Chanhee didn't complain much about anything, besides maybe you not helping him with washing the dishes or set the table while he made dinner, but everything else was, at most, a dirty look that softened relatively quickly. Sickness, though, was a whole other ballgame.

He would rant and rave about the tiniest of phantom pains, practically on the male equivalent of his period with the way his mood would get snappy and sour at the slightest inconveniences.

But maybe he really did just have a shit pain tolerance like he'd often hint at. Though it didn't stop you from still being baffled when he'd get a bad cramp in the middle of the night and whine about it until he'd fall asleep again.

Coming back to reality as you glance up to the bus's nearing destination, you stretch lazily and begin to stand, muscles aching from walking all day and back cracking loud enough for you to wonder if other people heard it. The bus slows to a stop before finally lurching against the sidewalk, and you take your leave through the opening doors with an appreciative thanks to the driver.

Almost immediately after you hop down from the steps, a layering of chilly wind washes harshly against your front and the familiar smell of petrichor into your nose, relentless rain droplets against your coat as you begin in a jog in the direction of your apartment. Chanhee must be freezing right now, you think, concern growing even heavier at the visible breaths of air you let out. If he's already got the sniffles, a sore throat, and headaches, he's probably getting worse considering you'd forgotten to turn the heater on before you left.

Stupid mistake.

It takes maybe a couple more minutes, less than it'd take if you were walking like normal, before you're finally at your door, punching in the code for the lock before shouldering it open and kicking off your shoes on the shoe rack. It's cold inside, you can tell by the way your cheeks still feel numb.

"Chanhee! I got your medicine!" Your words echo throughout the hall, spreading out when you keep calling his name as you move farther in; past the open kitchen and to the bedroom door opposite the bathroom.

When you come into the room, Chanhee is still in the bed where he was when you left, but this time, he's sat up, looking at you with hooded eyes and a thin sheen of sweat covering his face. He frowns, "It's about time. While I was here suffering, you were out with your friends. Unbelievable..," he pouts and shakes his head.

With a chuckle and now eased posture, you sit in front of him and set the bag of medicine beside you to check his temperature. He's extremely hot.

"Yeah, well, staying around you while you're sick is enough to drive me crazy so you can't really pin the blame on me for needing to leave. Plus, it's not like you tried to stop me, did you?" You smile at him, standing back up to go run him a lukewarm bath.

"I was asleep!"

"Your problem, not mine!"

___

"Alright, up you go."

"Ah, but my whole body hurts..."

"Too bad, you're sweating a bunch and you haven't done anything to clean yourself yet."

Another tug of Chanhee's hands, and he's stumbling into your arms with a raspy groan at the jerky movement. You pat his back, pecking his damp forehead, then drag him to the bathroom.

"Can you undress yourself or do you need my help with everything?" You half-joke.

"Don't be rude, it's actually hard for me to do a lot of things," Chanhee utters bitterly, but he does manage to pull his shirt over his head, albeit with your help, as well as his pants and boxers before stepping into the water.

"Or maybe you're just fragile as hell and the smallest things have you bedridden for a week."

"Oh my god I'm gonna-"

"Hush, princess, you won't do anything," you find yourself laughing as you lower yourself to your knees beside the tub, folding your arms on the side before resting your cheek atop them, "Just relax, okay? I know you're too tired to argue right now, so let yourself calm down for a couple."

He thankfully doesn't protest, and takes your advice for once; letting himself fall against the back of the bathtub and close his eyes, the sigh through his nose an indication that he's allowing himself to enjoy the water. He looks so peaceful like this. Doll-like eyelashes fluttering against smooth, heated cheeks, and head slowly lolling to face you.

You feel yourself reach out. You know it's happening, but you don't stop it when you run a hand through Chanhee's bangs, then swipe a thumb past his eyelid to trail to his nose, then lips.

He opens his eyes, but doesn't say anything, even if he probably finds it strange. He lets you touch him.

"You're very pretty," you mumble whilst pouring water onto his head using the wash bucket on the back surface of the bathtub. Drops trickle down into mini patterns on his face, and he drags a hand over it to clear them away.

"Even while sick?" He raises his eyebrows, pleasantly surprised at your answer.

You comb the water into his hair to wet it as you nod, "Even while sick."

Chanhee smiles, "So, how was your day out?"

"It was nice. Found a perfect place where I'd love to take you, actually."

"Oh? Where?"

"The bone zone-"

"Oh my god, you're so annoying!"

You erupt into a fit of laughter as Chanhee swats a hand at you, getting some of your shirt and arm wet where you shield yourself from his little attack. You pinch his cheek, flashing a toothy grin, "Oh, come on! That was a good one and you know it. Smooth as ever if I do say so myself."

"Yeah, and you're the only one saying so," He pouts, pulling away from your pinchy fingers and trying his best to hide the steadily growing smirk that threatens to break his face into a smile. Stubborn as always, you see.

"You can leave now," Chanhee gives you a pointed look.

"Alright, alright. I'll be in the bedroom awaiting any further commands, your highness," You shake your head, and make a grand display of leaving the room and him to his own privacy.

Chanhee doesn't take long in the bath anyway, so you knew you wouldn't have to wait long as you fall back against the bed, shifting around until you've made yourself comfortable against the strewn navy covers. You spare a glance out the window pressed against your side; still raining, and still bathed in a silver glow from the blanketing clouds. It'd make you kind of sad, if not melancholic, but you were in a good mood from coming home, so at the most, you were calm.

Calm, even when Chanhee emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of steam a half hour later, only wearing a pink striped button up pajama shirt and matching bottoms, hands raised above his head whilst he dries his hair with a small towel. He comes to a stop in front of you.

"There he is," you exclaim, looking up from your phone and patting the spot next to you with a mischievous glint in your eye, "C'mere."

"I wonder why I'm hesitating," he says, and you can practically feel the the sarcasm in his words.

"Because hot people make you nervous? Duh."

"Are you insinuating that you're hot?"

That's your queue.

Leaning forward, you grab Chanhee's wrist and tug him into your chest, causing him to stumble slightly, but you catch him and pull him flush against you. A flurry of kisses to his face, excluding his lips, ensue.

Chanhee squirms around in your arms and acts like he doesn't like the affection at first, but a few more seconds of the same treatment prove true to his soft side when he goes limp and begins to giggle at the ticklish feel of your butterfly pecks.

Oh, that giggle. How you loved to hear it; sweet and beautiful like the chime of the prettiest bell in your ears.

You pull him on top of you as you relax against the crevice where the mattress meets the wall, and rest your cheek on the top of his head, humming, "You saying that I'm not hot?"

"Yes."

"Damn."

"Kidding."

"No you weren't."

"Yes I was."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"You- Hush!" Chanhee covers your mouth finally and you chuckle against his palm at his feeble attempt to silence you.

You press a kiss to it instead of bickering further, causing him to soften. Just then, you realize something as you touch down his wrist.

"Woah, has your fever not died down at all? You're even starting to sweat a little bit again, too..."

Your suspicions prove true when a closer inspection at the ruddy skin flushed from his cheeks down to his chest and heavier-than-normal breathing indicates that he's still hot, or at least overheated.

"Here," you murmur, already shifting him on his back so you can easily unclasp the buttons of his shirt, "Are you in any pain or is it still just the sore throat?"

"The headache I had earlier is starting to come back. It's getting worse, but that's about it so don't worry, I'll be fine," Chanhee tries his hand at reassurance, you can tell, but it doesn't do anything to stop you from crawling over him to scurry into the kitchen.

"I'm getting you some water, hang on!" You call out from down the hall, making quick work of filling up a decently sized glass before you return to him with some painkillers as well. He barely manages to sit up when you reach him; his face scrunching at the obvious pain that's beginning to hit him tenfold as he gratefully takes the pills and throws his head back when he tosses them in his mouth, chasing them with the cold glass of water you provided.

"Ah, it's actually really starting to hurt...," Chanhee whimpers and at the sound, you slide back into the bed to pepper his face with pecks once again. He's grateful for the comfort, if the way he gently drapes his arm over your shoulder says anything.

"Oh, my poor baby," you coo lowly, feeling the goosebumps on his back that prickle at your tone, "Is there anything I can do to make it better? Did you already take your medicine?"

"Yeah.. still hurts.."

"I can tell," you snort and trail a finger down Chanhee's sternum, looping it back up to flick at one of his nipples. He jolts, and you can't help but give a cheeky smirk, "Even your nipples have taken on somewhat of a hue. I wonder what other places are doing the same thing...," your words would hold suggestion to even the most clueless of people, spoken through lips now slicked with saliva as you roll your tongue across the tinted flesh and lower your head for a taste of his exposed breast.

"Ah!" Chanhee gasps loudly and his fingers find purchase on the back of your head, his body trembling when he arches his chest up into your face, searching for more when his mouth fails to ask you such a favor.

Teasing his nipple with a gentle nip before pulling away to kiss it instead, you caress his narrow waist, "You said it hurts, no?"

"It does...," Chanhee pants and nods as fast as his throbbing head will allow him.

"Where does it hurt most, baby? Tell me," You wet your fingers with a quick swipe of your tongue then reach under his lower half to slide your hand into his shorts, Chanhee helping you by taking one leg out, and glide down the seam of his ass to tease his rim, "Here?"

"Y-yes..!" you chuckle when he huffs and flings both arms around your head, pulling you close into him and meeting your forehead as he grinds down against your digits.

"Awe, look at you..."

And look at him indeed; Chanhee is already a mess before you. Staring at you with those big watery doe eyes of his, and silently pleading for you to continue doing things to his body that has him feeling like bursting.

You give him exactly what he wants.

Pushing your finger into him, slowly due to how tight the fit is, you press sloppy kisses to the underside of his jaw. The reaction Chanhee gives is a familiar one, with sensual lips dropped open to let out a high-pitched moan and legs trembling as he holds them open for you, fighting to not shut his eyes upon feeling you enter him.

"Good," you drawl, tilting your wrist at an angle once your index and pinkie meet the backs of Chanhee's thighs and gently curling your fingers upwards, "Just like that, baby. Is this okay? Are you okay?" Your eyes search his face for discomfort, and though you don't find any, you still your movements.

He nods and nuzzles against the top of your head with his cheek, "Mm-hm. Keep going, please."

You start back up at his polite request, as much as you love hearing him ask for more of something, and begin to drag the pads of your fingers back and fourth alongside his walls until you feel the telltale firmness of his prostate, then start on massaging it.

"Ah!" He emits a short, melodical whine at the burst of sensation now seething within him. It drives him one step from crazy as he scrunches his face and unconsciously slaps at your shoulder in a sort of mid-euphoria result.

You huff out a half-laugh, sitting back on your knees so you can get a better view of what you're doing, "Good?"

Chanhee tries to use his words, but by the way you pin him down to the bed with a palm flat against his collarbone before speeding up your hand, he can only manage a broken sob. It's followed by another of the same needy type, but this time, it's louder and causes your stomach to all but flip at the sound. Chanhee throws his head back, thrashing this way and that to somewhat get away from the overwhelming feeling, but also pushing down against it at the same time; all the while your hand keeps him in place.

"I'll take that as a yes," you jest, mostly to yourself because Chanhee sure isn't listening, then bend down slightly to finally turn your focus to his weeping cock. It's full-blooded from being hard for so long, angry red at the tip and jumping every once in a while, especially when you open your mouth to lick a strip from the base to the head.

"P-please I can't! You're gonna make me cum!" Chanhee rushes to sit up, but you push him back down as soon as he tries. He looks absolutely horrified at being so close already.

"And what's the problem with that?"

"I-I just- I don't want to disappoint you."

"Oh, baby," You take your hand from his chest in favor of jerking him off, which he all but chokes at, "It doesn't disappoint me at all. I find it very hot, actually."

"Plea-ease..! Oh!" Chanhee wails one final time before he lets go all over your hand.

It covers your knuckles, dripping white down the side of your thumb as you keep stroking him to help him ride it out. The orgasm must've hit him hard, you think when you look up to see Chanhee shuddering in time with the aftershocks that zap his body every few seconds, eyes closed and skin dewy with a sheen of perspiration.

"Hey, come back to me. You alright? Does your head still hurt?"

He takes a moment to open his eyes, but when they roll open and find your face, he does something that catches you off-guard. He latches himself onto your front, straddling your lap, and rests his head over your shoulder with a sigh.

"Chanhee, hang on a bit, my hand's still dirty and I need to clean you up-"

"In a second. I'm tired."

"You still haven't answered my question."

"Mm, I don't feel like talking right now."

"... You are such a handful."

@vanillaknj @stealerhwa1

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE ❜

✨ REQUEST: hermanikiiiiiii i wanted to request you the prompt number 1 with coco cruz!!thank you, love you muchisisimoooooo💕💕

✨ PROMPTS: “Wait, you love me? Like Garfield loves Lasagna?”

✨ MADE BY: Juls.

Gif credit: to my lovely @supervalcsi.

WORDS: about 2k.

❚❙ A/N: this writing hasn’t been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I’m sorry about that. If you find a description about body or a word out of place or something that makes you feel uncomfortable / unrepresented, let me know by a private message and I will change it delighted ❤

❚❙ JOHNNY ‘COCO’ CRUZ MASTERLIST.

❚❙ MASTERLIST.

❚❙ JOIN MY TAG LIST.

When you heard that Coco had been shot, your heart suddenly stopped. It was four days ago in some kind of dog's fight, as Chuckie told you at the scrapyard. Bishop needed someone to take care of him while they were investigating what happened, so you offered yourself without doubting it.

Much to your regret, you are only two good friends, even if you feel more things that you can't explain, about which you haven't talked with anyone. And thanks to your work in the hospital, you managed a room only for him, so he could rest as much as he wanted, as much as he needed. But your back hurts like hell after being sleeping on the sofa, close to the bed, just to make sure that you were able to attend to all his necessities for minimal they were.

These days there, you have learned a lot about him, about his curiosities, about his fears; spending his time awake talking with you to keep his mind entertained, to not think about the pain in his lower abdomen. Your mates took the bullet in a jiffy, but, normally, the sorrow remains for a couple of weeks. Luckily, he only complained when the hour of the next turn of medicines was close.

You have tried to not think about your feelings the time you were in the hospital, but it was impossible. All you wanted to do was to lie by his side on the bed, embrace him between your arms and kiss him, having to conform yourself with holding his hand and resting your cheek on the mattress. Your eyes have never left his eyes, not even when he was sleeping, on alert in case of an unforeseen because of pain, or an infection, or God who knows. You were really paranoid.

“You ready?”

Coco glared at you, slightly tilting his head. You had asked the same question five times in the last two minutes. Offering him a hand to secure himself, the mexican put down from the hospital bed, ready to leave and go home. Angel and Gilly had cleaned his house, even if you insisted to Bishop that you could do it. But he asked you back to stay with him till the next morning, so he wouldn't stay the night alone until they came back from the other side of the border.

Two knocks in the opened door brought you back to reality from your own thoughts, in the meantime that you helped Coco to wear his leather kutte. Directing your tired eyes to the entrance of the room, you found three Vicki's girls, happily waving their hands. Raising an eyebrow confused and your lips pressed, they came in without asking.

“Papi, we've missed you”. The latin and playful tone of voice from Mariela, as she swung her hips to your friend, gave you shivers.

In just one sight, your presence was pushed to the background. These girls hadn't even called to ask about his state of health and, now, they were there as if they did all the work you did —delighted, of course. Trying to keep calm, you put Coco's clothes into his bag, zipping it when everything is ready.

“No te preocupes, we take care of him now”. Carolina sentenced with contempt and superiority, grabbing his stuff ready to abandon the hospital.

“Yeah, mami. Go home and rest”. His words hurt. More than a bullet.

Preferring their company besides yours let you know that he hadn't taken in count what you did. And yes, you did it because you wanted, but you also thought that maybe could mean a step ahead. But it wasn't. Not saying a word, doing anything but a simple nod with your chin, you grabbed your bag to step out from there. Ashamed. Feeling stupid.

Two weeks have passed and Coco has come back to the clubhouse. This time you have been doing extra shifts to compensate for your lost days taking care of him, almost walking like a zombie from home to work, and from work to home. So, when Bishop invites you to a party in his honor, you decline it. You are too tired physically to assist and tired mentally for foolishness. What is the point of going to a party to see Coco having fun with those bitches? You have had enough after two weeks without receiving a single text to thank you or to know how you are. He hasn't even cared about the fact that you haven't shown up in the club for two weeks. That's the little he thinks in your friendship.

Zapping from one channel to another, you try to find something to watch. A movie, a tv show, whatever that helps to distract your mind, while you enjoy thai noodles with beef. Finally finding an action movie, you cover yourself with a cozy blanket, grabbing the cardboard box to start your dinner. The ringtone of your phone interrupts your calm, with Coco's name on the screen. At first, you don't want to answer, but he continues insisting for more than three long minutes. Hanging up and calling again. With a furious growl installed in your throat, you leave over the table your dinner to grab your phone.

“The fuck means you aren' comen'?”

He doesn't even let you say hi or how are you.

“It means that I'm tired and I have to work at five”.

“I don' think one damn beer reverses your sleeping schedule, Yo' Grace”.

“Fuck you, Jonathan. I've been working double shifts to cover the hours I was taking care of you in th—”.

“Nobody asked you to do it”.

Eyes widened and your heart racing. You can't believe he just said that.

“Yeah, nobody did. But your hermanos preferred to be on the other side of the border. Your putas preferred to be partying and sucking dicks in Vicki's. And your mamá sent me pal' carajo when I called to tell her what happened. I did it because I was your friend. Because I cared about you. Because seeing you there with… all those tubes was killing me. That shit continues giving me nightmares every fucking night. But you shit on that. You kicked me as soon as your putas came to the hospital”. You don't know when you have started to cry, more than because of the rage than because of the sadness. “I'm sorry if I'm too tired to drink a fucking beer, but my job is more important than a person who doesn't give a shit about me, who hasn't called or text me in two weeks, who only wants my company when no one else is around. Have fun in your damn party and fuck all those whores to thank them for picking you up from the hospital, but didn't care about how you were after being shot”.

Hanging up, you toss the phone somewhere on the table, wrapping your body with the blanket and lying down on the sofa. Trying to contain the tears, the only thing you earn is to cry bitterness. You can't understand why he only has noticed your absence at the party. What has changed? Probably it was his egocentrism working, wanting to be surrounded by a lot of people, not caring if they're his friends or not. But you're done being his lapdog.

About to fall asleep, the angry hits in the main door make you suddenly wake up agitated.

“Open up!”

The rage is consuming you again after hearing the strong mexican accent, taking three long strides towards it to receive him with your reddened crystal eyes.

“What the fuck 'you want now? Haven't you had enough beating myself up?”

“You're fuckin' dramatic”. He spits in your face, stopping with a foot the slam to his about to close the door again. “I didn't talk to you because you were working, bu' you didn't talk to me either”.

“Yeah, because you were served with your bitches. Go fuck yourself, Jonathan”.

“Don' call me like that again”. Coco grunts taking a step into your house. “You had to work, they came to cover your back”.

“Oh, please, don't make me laugh. They just wanted to have the credits of taking care of you, so you will expend more money with them. That's the only thing they care about you. Wake up from your world of fantasy, Coco. If you weren't part of the MC, you wouldn't be a shit for them; just another fucking soldier with a broken home”. You can't help but push his chest with both hands, driven by anger.

At first, he doesn't say anything. He looks thoughtful, being aware of the truth in your words. And it hurts that you have to be the one to open his eyes. The problem is that you weren't thinking while talking, pulling your gaze away from him and pressing your trembling lips, one against the other.

“I'm sorry”. You babble, cleaning your tears with the back of your left hand. “I didn't mea—”.

“But you said so”. Coco interrupts you with a husky tone of voice, bristling every inch of skin of your anatomy. “That's wha' I am without my kutte. An ex-soldier, a criminal, an outlaw. I spend my money on them because they take care of me, one way or another”.

“I did it too”.

“So, what? What you want? Money? Tell me an amount”.

Squinting at him, you can't help but chuckle with a painful and bitter laugh.

“I did it because I love you, not because I want your money”. You confess, knowing there's no going back. “I don't care about your money, nor your job, nor about your kutte. I love you because you make me happy. After all, for me, there's nothing better than a hug of yours, because you… you are simply amazing. You're intelligent, funny, loyal. And I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, Coco”.

He, not saying anything, is killing you slowly. Barely breathing, you cross your arms over your chest to hide the fact that your lungs aren't receiving any air.

“I thought that after being shot, you realized you only live once. And that… after being those… boring days with me, you realized that you preferred the company of these other girls. The funny part of being alive. So I just pulled myself away”. Taking a small pause, you bow down your head, cleaning your tears again. “These weeks have been torture. I've written you a lot of texts that I haven't sent… and I've been a lot of times about to call you. But 'you know that… feeling when you think... the other person is not gonna answer you, because maybe is too busy for you? That shit has been destroying me”.

Hoping that Coco finally is going to speak, he remains silent. Looking at you openmouthed, processing all the information you have just give him.

“Can you, ple—please, say something?” You beg almost shaking.

“Wait, you… love me? Like… Garfield loves lasagna?”

Raising your eyes, pouting at him, you know that he's trying to make you laugh after understanding all the pain you have been through. Lonely. Without talking about it with anyone.

“I'm sorry, mami… I just… fuck”.

Cupping your cheeks onto his hands, Coco slams his lips on yours, tasting the salty tears you have shed because of him. The sloppy kisses bring some more air to your lungs, calming your racing pulse and making you feel less unhappy. As your fingers get intertwined in his shirt, crinkling under your grip, he urges you to walk backward so he can close the main door with a kick.

“God knows I'm so fuckin' sorry… Please, forgive me”. Coco's whispers brush your lips, keeping his eyes closed just like yours. “I'm gonna take care of you now, okay?”.

Nodding in silence, you place your arms around his middle back, hiding your face into his chest. His strong scent brings you back to life, while his arms wrap you tightly to comfort all the pain he has provoked you without knowing it.

“I just want you, ma'. No one else. Just you”.

[doc-pickles]

hoping, dreaming, dying to keep

And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go

King of my heart, body and soul

“You know, I found your husband.”

The voice in the doorway of the lounge made Jo look up in shock, brows furrowing as she comprehended what Alex had just said. “What?” 

“I hired a guy. I found his name. I looked him up,” Alex paused, gauging Jo’s reaction as he relayed his actions. “And then I went and found him.”

“Oh, my God, Alex.” 

“Look. You didn't ask me to do that, and you didn't give me permission to do that, and it was wrong, and I'm sorry. But Jo, I swear to God, I could never, ever hurt you,” Alex wore a pitiful expression as he looked at Jo, obviously hoping she would hear him out. “My dad, he was like your ex. I'm not like that, all right? I'm not like my dad. I mean, I do things that are wrong. I do things that are stupid. But I swear to you I would never hurt you.”

Jo let Alex’s words sink in, heart pounding as she realized that Alex had gone behind her back, “You saw Paul?” 

“Yeah.”

“Are you serious? After I told you what I went through you just went behind my back and found Paul,” Jo ran a hand through her hair as she fought back tears. “I’ve spent so many years hiding from him and you just what? Found him on the internet? What if he figures out where I am? What then?” “Jo I-”

“No this… This is unforgivable. I’m sorry Alex but I don’t think I can trust you again after this,” Jo turned away from Alex, attempting to stem her tears long enough for her to get herself alone. “Can you just leave? Please?”

There’s a long pause and she almost thinks that he’s left her there before his voice pipes up, “I’m sorry Jo. Really I am.” Once she hears him leave the lounge and shut the door behind himself, Jo let’s a few quiet tears escape. She contemplates running, leaving everything behind once again and starting over. But she’s built a life here in Seattle, Alex be damned. She wasn’t going to let Paul or her fear keep her from living her life. If Paul became an issue again then she’d face the problem when it was standing in front of her. She wasn’t the same scared girl she used to be, she was a fighter and she could handle this.

+

“The Heparin should have helped by now. I think I made the wrong call.”

Jo’s heart drops as she approaches Alex and Amelia. She had run herself ragged around the hospital trying to find an answer only for her search to be useless. 

“Wait. Heparin? No. I texted,” Alex turns at the sound of her voice, eyeing her warily. “They didn't reverse him.”

“Damn it. We can't access the reversal agent,” Alex looks at Amelia, who nods at him as she moves into the room. “Prep him to move.”

“What is it? What's wrong,” Frankie’s mom is frantic as Helm and Amelia begin to prep Frankie. 

“Frankie's AVM might be bleeding. We've got to get him to the O.R. now.”

“But the medicine you gave him. It was supposed to help.”

“I'm sorry. We need to go.”

Amelia and Helm push Frankie out of the room, his mom hot on their heels. Jo watches them, her teeth gnawing on her bottom lip in worry. Finally she looks up to Alex who hasn’t moved from his spot next to her. 

“Hey. I'm so sorry. I texted. It didn't go through.  And then…”

“And then what,” Jo is expecting anger from Alex but instead his voice is laced with concern as he places a hand on her shoulder. “Jo, what’s wrong?”

She doesn’t know why the words slip out so easily for her but as Jo looks at Alex she can’t help herself, “Paul is here. I… I saw him downstairs.”

She doesn’t need to say anything else as Alex steps forward and wraps his arms around her, pulling her close as she takes a few shuddering breaths, “Why don’t you come sit in the gallery while Amelia and I operate? That way you aren’t totally alone.”

Jo nods, silently agreeing to Alex’s plan as they walked down the hall towards the OR. Jo stops a few feet away from the scrub room, gripping Alex’s arm tightly. In front of them sits Paul Stadler, fixing his shoe covers without a care in the world. Alex quickly turns to Jo, blocking her from Paul’s view. 

“I’m in OR 3, go up to the gallery and don’t move until I come up later,” Alex watched as Jo let out a shaky breath and nodded, eyes still trained on Paul. “It’s gonna be alright Jo.”

Alex wants nothing more than to reach down and kiss Jo, to hold her tight as a comfort to both of them that things would be okay. Instead he watches her walk down the hallway, turning a corner and disappearing from his line of view, unknowingly carrying a large piece of his heart with her. 

-

It’s late the next day when Alex walks Jo up to the door of the loft. After signing the divorce papers only for Paul to die a few hours later Jo had been through a lot. Alex had driven her home, making sure she got into the loft safely, “I’m gonna head out, do you need anything before I go?”

“Can you maybe just camp out on the couch tonight,” Jo sat on her bed, a ratty Princeton sweatshirt engulfing her a s she stared helplessly at Alex. “I just… I really don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude or anything,” Alex rubs the back of his neck nervously, glancing up at Jo who has tears welling in her eyes. “Hey, don’t cry. I’ll stay okay?”

Jo sucks in a deep breath before a sob breaks from her, “I’m just really shaken up. I don’t want to be alone again. I know… I know that Paul is dead but I can’t stop my mind from playing worst case scenarios on an endless loop.

Alex closes the gap between them and pulls Jo into his arms as she continues to cry. He wanted nothing more than to hold her all night, comfort her the way she wanted. But he knew that wasn’t his place anymore so he started on the couch, the same one Jo had bought him. He leapt up when Jo was startled awake by a nightmare, comforting her until she drifted back to sleep. He feels selfish for loving the way her body so easily curls against his, but if this is the only way he can have Jo then so be it.

+

“You get ditched already too?” Jo jumps at the voice that sounds behind her, louder than the crowded room around her. She turns with a small grin as she meets Alex’s eyes, “Yeah I came down with Meredith but as soon as we got here she went off with Hayes. I’m pretty sure they already left.”

“Well if I was having the amount of sex they were having I wouldn’t want to stick around at some stuffy party either,” Alex takes a long gulp of his beer, Jo eyeing him for just a moment too long. His eyes glance over her and she can almost hear the gears in his brain turning. “What’s that look for?”

Jo gulps her own red wine, feeling a blush creep up from her neck to her cheeks, “Nothing, I just haven’t gotten laid in a pathetically long time. I don’t have time for casual sex.”

A deep laugh escapes Alex and the sound vibrates through Jo’s body, lighting her up with an electricity she hadn’t felt in far too long. Her eyes meet his, a grin forming on his cheeks, and before Alex could say anything else she was speaking, one hand pressing a finger into his chest, “Don’t say it!”

“I didn’t say anything!” “Yes but you have that cocky grin that you always used to wear when you thought you were going to get laid,” Jo narrows her eyes in Alex’s direction as his smirk widens. “Don’t even think about it, I am not going home with you.”

The moment isn’t as tense or awkward as Jo would’ve assumed, instead the same electricity fluttering around her chest was now buzzing around her and Alex. Even though they’d been broken up for over a year and a half now, their chemistry was still there burning just as strong as ever.

“You said it yourself, you haven’t gotten laid in awhile. We could help each other out,” Jo hates how her body reacts to him, melting at the mere suggestion of having sex. “It could be a no strings attached kind of thing, you know just scratching an itch.”

“And you think that you and I could be no strings attached? After all, we do have a history.”

The way their eyes meet then confirms for Jo that no matter what she says next her body is going to betray her and give into the primal urge building up rapidly within her. Alex’s eyes are dark and filled with a sense of longing as he stares at her, fingers reaching out to grab her hand, “There’s only one way to find out.”

They barely make it to Alex’s car before their hands are all over each other, clothing being ripped away as they fall into the backseat in a whirlwind of moans and gasps. It feels as if no time has passed between them as she and Alex fall over the edge together, heavy breaths echoing around them as Jo rests her cheek against his chest. 

His heartbeat sounding in her ear comforts her in a way she’d forgotten about, never lingering like this with any of her one night stands or casual flings. She almost lets herself get caught up in the feeling before Alex’s voice rings in her ear.

“So… no strings attached?”

+

She knows she’s had a drink too many when she let’s Alex’s arms wrap around her waist, her body melting at his touch despite the fact that they were surrounded by their friends and coworkers. Meredith and Hayes had said their vows hours earlier, the couple happily dancing with all five of their combined children as everyone around them celebrated. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Alex’s breath is burning hot against her neck, his presence overwhelming all of her senses. “I’ve got a room upstairs.” “Aren’t you supposed to stick around since you’re the man of honor,” Jo turns in his embrace and settles her hands on Alex’s chest as she fixes him with a stern look. “I don’t think Mer will be too happy to look around and find you missing.”

Alex rolls his eyes as his hands snake down to her waist, pulling her closer to him, “She’ll live. Now c'mon, I've been staring at you in that dress all night and all I’ve wanted is to take it off of you.”

The rest of the night is a blur, Jo and Alex falling into bed with each other multiple times before they finally succumb to sleep. It’s not until late the next afternoon when she wakes up in his embrace that Jo realizes that they hadn’t used any protection. Staring at Alex’s sleeping form she decides to keep that revelation to herself, dressing quietly and slipping out the hotel room before he can wake up.

+ The next few weeks are excruciating, Jo avoiding Alex at any and all costs. They’d usually meet up at least once a week, but she’d been ignoring his texts and avoiding the peds floor whenever possible. She knew Alex could tell something was wrong, even before they’d started their ‘no strings attached’ relationship they’d see each other around the hospital or at Joe’s. But since Meredith and Hayes’ wedding she’d given him the cold shoulder, her anxious mind spinning out as she played over what their future might look like.

It’s a month after the wedding when she finally gets hit with a bout of nausea in the middle of rounds. She barely makes it out of the patient room and to the trashcan in the hallway before her breakfast is reappearing in front of her, a sinking feeling settling in her stomach as she shoos her group of residents away. Once she’s confident that she won’t throw up again, Jo finds herself darting to the nearest supply closet and grabbing a pregnancy test.

She’s known in the back of her head for almost a week but she hadn’t dared to confirm the growing suspicion lingering there. Now however there would be no more denying as what she assumed was morning sickness and the accompanying nausea had plagued her since rolling out of bed that morning.

“C’mon, just tell me already,” Jo mumbles the words to herself as she stares down at the two tests resting on the bathroom counter in the attendings lounge.

“Jo? You okay?” The question is met with a knock on the bathroom door but before Jo can answer the person on the other side the timer on her phone is blaring, startling her into knocking both tests and her still sounding phone onto the floor. She scrambles to pick everything up just as the door swings open, Alex standing before her with a worried expression on his face. 

Great, just what I needed.

She’s about to speak when she follows his line of sight to the two plastic tests sitting right in front of his feet, both brandishing a bright pink plus sign. Jo picks the tests up quickly but she knows the damage has already been done. When she stands up and faces Alex her mind immediately flashes back to the night he proposed to her in the loft. His face has the same mix of heartache and hurt that it had that day two years ago and Jo’s own heart twists as she meets his eyes. 

“Oh.” The word slips from Alex’s mouth easily and his eyes dart to Jo’s abdomen. Before he can say anything else Jo is speaking in a nervous tangent, “I was throwing up this morning and I’ve already suspected for a few weeks, well I assumed something might have happened since we weren’t exactly careful at the wedding and I was just waiting for this stupid stick to turn pink and then-”

“You knew?,” Alex’s voice stops her nervous tangent, blinking up at him in confusion. “You knew, or you thought you might know, and you didn’t say anything to me?”

“Well I wasn’t for sure about it-” “But you knew we didn’t use protection? And that you might be pregnant for weeks and you didn’t say anything. Instead you just avoided me the whole time,” Jo could feel Alex’s anger rising as his brain worked through the situation at hand. “Were you even going to tell me you were pregnant if I hadn’t shown up just now?”

“Of course I was! But I didn’t think I needed to keep you in the loop on every little thing in my life seeing as you’re not my boyfriend,” Jo crosses her arms as she stares down Alex, her own anger boiling under her skin. “You were the one that insisted on this being no strings attached, well that’s exactly what you’ve got! I’ll let you know when I book an appointment, other than that don’t expect to hear from me.” Jo brushes past Alex, ignoring his calls to her as she walks briskly out of the attendings lounge. She would deal with the repercussions later, for now all she wanted was to be left alone and to be as far away from Alex as possible. 

+

Weeks pass by and true to her word Jo doesn't contact Alex except to tell him about her first ultrasound. He misses the appointment, an emergency surgery calling him away half an hour beforehand, and Jo feels a small twinge of sadness as she tucks the ultrasound into his wallet. While part of her is still upset with him, another part is sad that he wasn’t able to experience the appointment with her. 

“Wilson I’ve got a patient in room 4 that needs a consult,” Hunt’s voice booms from behind her and Jo turns to meet his eye. “Car crash victim with minor injuries. Do you mind grabbing it? We’re filling up fast here.”

Jo nods, grabbing an iPad and bringing up the electronic chart. She feels like crap, even though she’s approaching the 12 week mark she’s still plagued with nausea and heartburn most days. Her stomach now has the slightest curve to it and Jo can’t help but run her hand over the small bump throughout the day. 

“Hi Mr. Greene, my name is Doctor Wilson and I’m-“

“I don’t really care who you are, I’m not staying in this damn hospital,” the older man seems disgruntled, sitting on the edge of the gurney and fixing Jo with a glare. “I’m perfectly fine anyways.”

Despite what he says, the man has a large gash across his forehead and his right arm is clearly bothering him. Jo takes his reluctance in stride, taking another step towards the bed, “I just want to check out that cut on your forehead and make sure it doesn’t get infected. It looks like you might need stitches.” “I told you I’m fine! I don’t trust any of you doctors.”

“Well we’re going to have to keep you for obser-“

Before she can move out of the way, the man is springing up from the gurney and lunging towards her. His hands grab her arms roughly and slam her into the wall of the trauma room. Jo can feel her head smack against the plaster as she lets a scream out, eyes screwing shut as she tries not to let her racing mind overwhelm her. 

Paul. Running away. Jason. Fighting back. DeLuca. Mistakes. Alex. Heartbreak. Her baby… Her baby. Her baby. 

Suddenly the pressure against her arms releases and Jo opens her eyes in time to see Alex pulling the now screaming patient away from her. Instead of the angry and visceral reaction she’s expecting from him, Jo watches as Alex pulls the patient away just long enough to let Owen sedate him. As soon as he hands him off, Alex is in front of her, his hands now resting on her shoulders as he looks her over. She’s frozen in place, her body shaking involuntarily as she tries to stop the panic attack she can feel coming on. 

“Are you okay? Jo?”

“Um yeah, I think so. I hit my head pretty hard but I’m okay,” she can hear the way her voice is trembling as she meets Alex’s eyes. “I’m fine, I’m okay. I’m fine, really I’m fine.” She keeps repeating the words as Alex pulls her into him, tears floating down her cheeks as her chest constricts tightly. Jo has been through her share of scary situations before, she’s been beaten within an inch of her life but she’s never been this scared. She’s never had to worry about someone else before but right now all she could think about was if her baby had somehow been hurt. 

“Do you want me to page Carina to check you out?”

Any other day she would have brushed off concerns from anyone about her well-being but Jo’s anxiety is already peaking and she doesn’t want to leave anything to chance. She nods slowly, listening as Alex asks Owen to page Carina and then leads her out of the room. 

+

Hours later Jo is crawling into bed, ready for the day to be over. Her head is pounding but she’d been instructed to stay awake for a few hours following her injury to make sure she truly was okay. After having both Amelia and Carina poke and prod her, she was more than ready to lay in bed until late tomorrow.

“Your meds are on the counter and I filled up a water bottle for you to keep on your side table,” Jo gazes up at Alex who's standing in front of her, a concerned yet genuine smile on his face as he looks at her. “You need anything else before I head out?” “Stay.” Alex pauses only for a second, his expression showing his shock and hope for only a second before he schools his emotions once again, “I don’t wanna intrude. But you can call me if you need anything.” “No I want you to stay Alex,” Jo sits up in bed, despite how tired her body is and fixes Alex with a sincere gaze. An alarming sense of deja vu comes over her as she remembers a similar conversation happening after Paul’s death. Jo had wanted Alex to stay with her and crawl into bed beside her, seeking his comfort after the traumatic events. But always the gentlemen Alex had stayed true to his word and stuck to the couch, except to comfort her in the middle of the night. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my suspicions, but I swear as soon as I knew I was going to tell you.” “You didn’t need to tell me anything Jo, I was overreacting. I panicked and I’m sorry.”

Jo shakes her head, eyes watering as she reaches for Alex’s hand, “I don’t care about any of that. You… When you pulled that patient off of me I was convinced that you were going to lunge at him or.... It doesn’t matter what I thought, what matters is that you kept your cool and you made sure I was okay. You showed me that you’ve changed.”

“Of course I did Jo, you mean a lot to me,” Alex moves his free hand up to cup Jo’s cheek and swipe at the few tears that had collected there. 

“And you mean so much to me Alex, more than you know. I know we’ve been through alot but I still care about you. And I don’t want to continue this stupid ‘no strings attached’ thing we have going.” “Oh… Okay.” A grin spreads across Jo’s face as she leans up, pressing her forehead against Alex’s, “I mean I want more with you. I don’t want random hookups or meaningless sex, I want the whole thing. I want you here with me every night. And I want to raise our baby together. I love you Alex, so much. It might’ve taken me a while to realize it but I want it all with you.”

Alex doesn’t bother responding, instead he leans forward and kisses her sweetly. Relief floods Jo as she tangles her fingers in his hair, the stress and pain of the day melting away as she leans into Alex. 

“I love you too. And I’m really glad you’re both okay,” Alex’s hand slides down to the small bump that had grown in just days beforehand, a smile taking over his face as he did so. “You have a bump!”

“Pretty sure it’s all bloat but there’s definitely a baby in there,” Jo let’s a small laugh out as she covers his hand with her own. “We’re sure doing everything out of order aren't we?” 

“Have we ever done anything the easy way?”

[effei-s]

your fave is a rapist, deal with it (part 2: destroy me)

The tale about three arguments.

tw: mention of sexual assault, victim blaming, rape apologism.

cw: people and their opinions, undermining of sexual assault, rapist POV (because we need to hear his side of the story, aren’t we?).

(all screenshots without un's or up's, it's google translate, but i hope you'll catch the vibe)

So… there are three main “ARGUMENTS” (if you can call them that) when it comes to sexual assault in first book.

“Argument” number one: Warner can feel Juliette’s emotions and therefore he would never done anything she didn’t want him to.

I’ve covered it in previous post, but just a quick reminder: Juliette felt petrified, defenseless, vulnerable, frozen from fear, grief and disbelief, detached from her own body (!!!), incapable of intervening, horrified and, as a cherry on top, she wanted to vomit.

And he, THE EMPATH HIMSELF, didn’t catch any of this????? But he KNEW that she wanted him??? Yeah, how convenient for him and for people who defend him.

“Argument” number two: Juliette pretended to like it and… and apparently it makes it okay???????????? Good to know that there’s NO DIFFERENCE between you giving your money while someone point a gun at your head, and you giving them because you want to (I’m sorry for the comparison, but I really can’t see how else I can get though people who tweet THIS👇👇👇).

She - pretended to like it.

He - THOUGHT that she wanted it.

and this makes it "not a sexual assault" scene how exactly???

Can someone, anyone, help me out with this, because I'm really confused.

And my question remains unanswered.

If someone can explain to me logic behind this shit, I would be really grateful. Because so far I still can't see it.

Well, if it all was just a part of the plan, then I guess she kinda had it coming??? She really shouldn't urge Warner to kiss her.

Oh, and I almost forgot: there’s also “argument” number 2.0 that goes hand-in-hand with the “argument” number 2: Juliette started all of it.

And, again, NO???? Juliette stood there, frozen in fear, for the better part of that chapter, while Warner was groping her and forcing his tongue down her throat. She started kissing him because she realized that it was her last resort, her ONLY CHANCE TO ESCAPE. And, I really can’t believe that I have to spell it out, her “starting” to kiss him doesn’t make this situation consensual in any way.  

I just love how they can't decide is it 'Warner knew she wanted it and that's why it can't be rape' or is it 'Juliette led him in and pretented to like it to get his gun, therefore it's Juliette's fault'.

And, finally, “argument” number three: Warner is really REALLY sorry about what he’s done! He feels horrible and disgusted with himself and he asked for forgiveness!!! He repented!!!  

(well, fuck me, we have our rapist apologist bingo over here; ‘she wanted it subconsciously’, isn’t it cute?)

So, as the tradition goes, let’s read! I’ll cover Destroy me today (who knows, maybe I will change my mind on the subject matter, and maybe Juliette really wanted it, she just was very confused, and maybe Warner is sorry, it’s in his POV after all).

Destroy me.

If it were nothing but sexual attraction I’m sure I would not suffer such unbearable humiliation. But I wanted so much more than her body.

(ch. 2)

That’s a pretty good start for the ‘disgusted with himself’ guy. Yeah, I already can see how sorry he feels, sorry he didn’t get the chance to finish what he started. He feels humiliated because she TRICKED HIM, not because he tried to rape her and it’s a disgusting thing to do.

I am now wholly dependent on whatever will carry me through these next weeks of frustration. Medicine, medics, hours in bed. All this for a kiss.

(ch. 5)

For a kiss, huh? Interesting phrasing I see here. So time goes by, he WHINES A LOT about… everything, to be honest. Especially about Juliette, about how Juliette DARED to choose Adam over him, and how Adam is bad for Juliette, and how Adam would never understand the real Juliette the way Warner understands her (said that guy who can’t tell if Juliette wants to have sex or she fakes it, yeah, he’s the one to talk). And than the ‘kiss’ thing repeats (and my eyebrows rise).

A girl who would try to shoot me dead for kissing her.

(ch. 12)

Ok, but like who’s gonna tell him that Juliette shot him not because he ‘kissed’ her, but because he sexually assaulted her?

I really can’t see how he can apologies to her for assault if he doesn’t think that it was assault. 

Again I have to make a comparison, but it’s like saying ‘I’m sorry I’ve pushed you’, when what you did is broke someone’s leg on purpose. Your apology not gonna mean much??? It’s gonna be empty and performative at best.

I want her to know that I understand now. That I didn’t understand before.

OH REALLY? IS THIS IT? IS THIS IT? Is this gonna be him admitting he did bad thing???? that he was wrong??? and that he’s disgusted with himself and feels guilty???

She and I really are the same; in so many more ways than I could’ve known.

(ch. 18)

Ah, never mind.

Btw, that’s it. Two mentions of sexual assault framed as ‘kissing’ for the entire POV. Yes, I can see how bad and remorseful he feels about it.

Conclusion: we have his POV, we know that he feels little to no remorse about what he’s done overall, he gasps and falls apart and whines A LOT and the most important part: HE DOESN’T EVEN REALIZE THAT HE TRIED TO RAPE HER (and that makes him a stupid rapist).

p.s.: that shit show in ‘unravel me’ deserves its own separate post; boy, oh boy, do I have things to say. 

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hey! I hope you're doing great Dani.

I talked to you about a month or two ago, about how I was about to take the university entrance exam, how I was not ready for it, that my parents wanted me to become a doctor but never knew what I was going through. That I was confused and I didn't know what I wanted to do, cause I thought I wouldn't enjoy medicine even if I get in. I literally didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.

You were kind enough to answer me patiently, and for that I'm really thankful to you. I came here to say, your words, helped me to get through a tough time.

I told you I didn't know what I wanted to do. And because I didn't have a purpose, I could put all of my efforts into studying. I was always a good student, but recently, it was like I had lost myself through the road.

I thought about your words, and recently came to conclusion that you were right. This is me. This is my life. And this is all I have right now. I was so stressed, because I didn't know what I wanted, but I know now, and it means even if I can't do as well as I should at the entrance exam, I can always find other ways, or try again and understood that I love law. And being a lawyer. When I was 4 years younger, I told this to my parents, but they simply said it was because of the books I read and not because it was what I really wanted. Cause obviously, being a doctor should be what I wanted. And I believed them.

It may seem stupid, or may not, but books always helped me. And reading your IWFY fic, it was like my love for law and being a lawyer came back to me. I thought you should know how great your writing is. I understood what Magnus wanted to do was what I always wanted to do at heart. And yeah, maybe it IS a fantasy, and I can't be as good as him or have an Alec with me who helps me through everything, but I guess I'm willing to try. Cause I want to fight for women rights, help the innocent win what is their rights. I want to make a change. It's ideologist, I know, but I guess I would regret it if I don't follow my dreams today.

I kinda found out about all of a little late, you know? If I had found out about what I truly wanted sooner, I could find my purpose sooner and focus on my studying better. But I'm not upset. I'm still just 18 and have a lot of time. And it's always better to face the reality, however late, than to live a lie.

So regardless of the result of my entrance exam for medicine schools, I WILL follow studying law, it what I want. I know it now. But at the same time, I've always wanted my parents proud, I told you about it before. You told me I don't owe anyone, not even them. But I guess I can't change everything that I've been taught from the beginning in a short time, so, maybe one day, I get there.

For now, their opinion still matters, so I'm gonna do all I have for the exam- which is next week btw- and if I got accepted, I will be studying both of them. I asked around and they told me it's possible so I'm not gonna sit down and let it go! I will study both of them till the day I decide which is more important to me, but I guess they won't come for a long time.

Finding out my interest in law, was like finding out a missing puzzle. I've always been told I was never hardworking enough for achieving my dreams. That everything I got was because I was lucky enough to have a smart brain. But now I understood I was never hardworking enough, because they were not MY dreams. They were other's dreams for me. And I get it, doctors mostly have a good life, and that's what my parents want for me. But I know what I need to be happy, and that's a purpose. And now I found it, and it was an amazing feeling. To think that, yes, this is it. I have found what I've always wanted to do with my life.

So, sorry again for my LONG rant, but I thought you deserve to know how much of a help you have been to someone you don't even know. And it shows how much amazing your words are. You're so kind, please never change!

And please, thanks @magnus-the-maqnificent in my behalf, she offered to speak to after my last comment, she said she was in the same situation, but I was so lost that I didn't really have the heart to do it. And now I'm kind of busy because of the next week exam, but I want her to know I really appreciate her kindness, thank you all.

PS. When I become a lawyer one day, I'm gonna print your IWFY book, and keep it in my office. Cause it means a lot to me. Thank you again! Have a great day!!!

I am so so so proud of you. I literally don't have the words to tell you how proud of you I am.

You are in the right path, my love. You have got your shit under control. And that is fucking amazing. So proud!

I get that there are many hurdles to cross. But you know who you are, even if others don't and other's might not understand. But you know it. I feel like that solves half the problems. The clarity helps. It helps so much. I am so glad you have it now.

It is NOT late for you. I work as an gender and sexuality advocate now. But I had no fucking clue that's what I wanted to do until I was 19 years old. But I figured it out and then followed that dream.

Every day I learn a little more about myself and the dreams I have keep changing. It's a not bad thing. It's a part of being human. Wanting better things and wanting to change is what we do as human beings.

It's never late to pursue the things that make you happy. Remember that. Always.

I know you want to make your make your parents proud. I do so too. Sometimes I feel like it's a biological need that we have. The need for their validation? The need to make them proud?

But remember that pride is a feeling. You can give them that feeling in more than one way. If you want to make them proud, make them proud. That's a good thing. But just remember that being a doctor is not the only way to do that. What they want is success and there is more than one way to be successful.

If this is your destiny, I wish you all the best with it. Gender law/discrimiantion law/women's law is one of the best fields out there. If you need help with this (since I work in a similar background) you know where to find me.

I know you are a good student and you will do amazingly. But take it easy. You don't have to decide now. You don't have to figure out which path you want to follow right away. I think it's very sensible of you to test both and make your decision later. Just don't push yourself too hard. Always go easy on yourself, cause no one else will make it a priority.

Finally.

Oh, my love. My heart is so full that IWFY Magnus helped you so much. He is such a beautiful man - just like Magnus in any universe. He has inspired me so many times. I've always been inspired by his kindness, his need to do better and be better.

He doesn't settle. Not for Alec. Not for anyone. Magnus knows his worth.

That's what I want for myself. To know my worth.

And that's what I want for you too.

I don't what you are going to decide or what you are going to do. But I know one thing.

You might not know whether you want to be a lawyer or a doctor.

But it is so clear to me that you want to use your knowledge, your strength and your skills to help those around you.

You want to be useful. You want to make the world a little better. Just like Magnus does. Just like I do.

Here is the thing - there is no right way to do that. You do what you can and hope it makes the world a little better.

There is a different between what you are and who you are.

What you are - whether a doctor or a lawyer - can change with time.

But who are you doesn't change.

And who you are is a good fucking person.

Good luck with your exams.

Sending you all my love,

Dani x.

[cheeseburgersstuff]

Don’t Leave Me

I wrote this when I was supposed to be studying 😂😂 This is the longest shit I've ever written!! 💃 I'm improving, l guess 😁😂

Ransom Drysdale x Reader

Warnings: ansgt, sadness(a lil bit), language, (you guessed right, my shitty writing) 💕

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y/n was the only reason Ransom was there, at his grandfather’s birthday. He didn’t even want to see his family’s faces. They always find something to annoy him. It’s not like he doesn’t say anything back to them, Man he comes back with more rude and sarcastic answers than them. But still, for him, they are the vile ones. 

And that’s why he was sitting at the corner away from everyone with a drink in his hand watching his wife laughing with Meg and Marta. He was sitting peacefully until his grandfather took him to his office to talk about something important. That’s when everything went wrong. His calm behavior, his mood, everything spoiled.

y/n surely did notice him going with his grandfather with annoyed expressions. She chuckled and shook her head knowing that after some time all of them would be hearing both granddad’s and grandson's yelling at each other.

This is their love-hate relationship, Harlan would always tell Ransom that, how ransom should have to be responsible especially now that he is married and Ransom would get angry how you can’t tell him what to do, you can’t tell him nothing.

But that doesn’t mean they hate each other. Harlan would always talk about Ransom with Marta, how he worried about that boy and see the younger him in Ransom. On the other hand, Ransom surely doesn’t share his feelings with anyone but with his wife, he made an exception. She knew that whenever they had a fight Ransom couldn’t sleep that night, he would feel guilty because of his harsh words towards Harlan cuz he got carried away with their fight.

And that’s what happening right now, after a few moments the family heard their yelling and then ransom getting out of the house without even looking at his wife leaving her there. She didn’t go out after him, thinking he just got out to clear his mind but when she heard his beamer started and gone, she knew this time that shit was serious. 

Everyone was looking at her as if wanting to know what she would do now. She inhaled and straight went to Harlan’s office shutting the door behind her. 

“What happened now Harlan,” she asked in an irritated tone. “Nothing, just the old shit you know” “Harlan I know this is not just about him being careless or something. Please tell me the truth, he just left me here. I know this is something serious.” please tell me before he does something stupid, you know him Harlan.” y/n begged.

Harlan just stared at y/n then said “I Just cut him off my will.””not just him everyone else too.” he said calmly. “You what!? You cut everyone off” 

“This has to be done y/n. It’s gonna make them grow on their own. It’s gonna make him respon..” 

“You know I don't care about that, I just know my husband is out there roaming around in madness, you know his anger and madness, you shouldn’t just tell him everything like that. I just hope he won’t do anything stupid.” y/n sighed and went out of the house needing fresh air. 

After some time she heard something from the entrance, it was just dark so I couldn't see what it was. But then again she heard a sound like someone was out there. She went that way and saw someone’s back. When that person went towards the wall of the house and started to climb it, she gasped knowing it was her husband climbing the wall as he was some sort of thief or some criminal. She watched him going inside the house through the window which looks like some sort of secretive door or something.

She knew how he acts stupid during his anger seasons but seeing him like this, entering his grand father’s house as a thief shocked her. 

She quickly got inside the house too, everyone was busy bickering about something so nobody noticed her. She went upstairs, towards Harlan's room and then there she saw her husband.

He was in Harlan's room, doing something with his medical bag. A syringe and in his hand.

“Ransom what are you doing here” he got startled and dropped the medicine inside the bag. 

He turned towards her, he was scared but somehow managed to keep his expressions calm.

“What are you doing here?” he said like he was angry. She raised her eyebrow “really!? I should be the one asking you that, why are you here, you left about 20 minutes ago remember?” “what brings you here again, in Harlan's bedroom and by climbing the wall?” she questioned. 

He sighed “nothing that concerns you, just go downstairs and don’t” “what the fuck Ransom, you sound like it’s normal? You climb the wall to enter the house, going into your grandfather's room doing something with his medicines, I know you are mad at him for cutting you out but what the hell is all of this?” she spat.

“You know?” “of course I know, I asked him after you left me there because you were so angry that you just forgot your wife” she taunted. “Oh c'mon, I didn't forget you” he scoffed. “I just had to do this before coming back to you” “and what is this? What are you doing here Ransom?” she went near him looking at the bag in front of him. When he didn’t answer she took both injection bottles and then looked at him with horrified expressions. 

“Were you switching them both?” she whispered like she was scared of the answer. Ransom didn’t say anything she made her angrier “tell me, Ransom, were you switching these.” she yelled, showing him morphine and the other bottle.

“Yes, I...I had to be this sweetheart for us. That is our money. He is giving everything to her. I can’t let that happen” she was just staring at him listening to his rambling, she couldn’t believe this was her husband, she was living with him for 3 years. No matter how much of an asshole he is but this is beyond the limit, killing his grandfather just cuz he is giving his nurse, not his so-called vile family. 

“We are going home right now,” she said, wiping her tears and fixing Harlan's bag like before. Then taking out the syringe from ransom’s hand. “No! I won’t go home until I finish this. I have to do the..” he was cut off by her slap on his face. “Wake up ransom!! This is not you, get out of the house just like you came in. then go to your car. I’ll meet you there. And if you try to do this again Ransom, I can assure you I can be more aggressive than you.” with that she just stormed out the room without glancing towards her husband.

~ 

After saying goodbye to everyone y/n sat in the car. She didn’t acknowledge him, the whole ride towards home went in silence. Ransom tried to talk to her but just got ignored. 

When they both reached their house she just went straight to her room. 

After some time she came downstairs seeing ransom sitting on the couch, his face in his hands. She didn’t want to talk to him but knew she had to.she just couldn't control herself and went towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder, he looked up with his red eyes due to crying. And that just broke her heart more. She sat beside him and he suddenly hugged her body, his face in her chest and arms around her waist. But she didn’t hug him back.

“I’m so sorry baby, I know what I was doing, was horrific. I didn’t even know I was planning to murder my grandfather. I know I’m not a good person and I don’t deserve you or any happiness in the world but please baby, don’t leave me. I can’t live without you.” 

She started to cry at his words, he was thinking she was going to leave him, didn’t he know that just like him she also can’t live without him. And no matter how much bad person he can be, she’ll always arrive to spoil his evil plans just like today, she’ll always slap that madness inside of him until it vanishes forever. 

She felt him shaking in her arms, crying again. “Hey hey! Look at me.” she took his face in her hands. “I’m not going to leave you OK… what you did was indeed horrible and you did break my heart but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna leave you. I’ll always be with you and we are gonna deal with your shit together. Just like you, I can't live without you too.” “I don't need Harlan's money, I don’t need the expensive gift you give me. Ransom for me you are enough. What I need is your promise that you’ll help me, help me to help you, to make this madness, these horrific thoughts go away, will you?” 

He looked at him like she was some sort of blessing towards him, he couldn’t believe she wasn’t leaving her “whatever you’ll say, I’ll do it, sweetheart, just forgive and give me another chance.” he said happily and gave her another hug. And with that she knew the first step to help him, taking him to a therapist….

[silverypurple-rosedlions]

🥀//This content may contain sensitive topics that could upset you such as: mild language, violence, psychosis, blood, gun and knife use, arson, body carving, graphic description, and death. Please continue at your own will and be cautious . . .

𝙳𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟾, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟶

And to their astonishment, he crawled out from the dark depths of death, escaping the gates of Hell that yearned for his twisted soul. With bloodied fingers, his chest heaving, clothes tattered as his body ached and trembled with broken bones, he sauntered to the abandoned building of the sick and ghastly. But a glint of venomous rage and determination glistened within his eyes that pooled their enchanted soft blue.

𝙳𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟾, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟶

Breathing in sharply through his nose, he opened the door, existing the car with narrowed eyes. As he shut the door with the keys shoved inside his coat, ripples of shocked gasps and screams surrounded him. But he walked calmly past them, a path being made for him as he entered the large building belonging to The Silver Lions. And as he walked, the doors swung open, being greeted by the main members of the allied group.

"Holy fuck-" Soonyoung gasped. Beside him, Seungkwan dropped the briefcases he had been carrying, their contents spilling as he covered his mouth with his hands.

"Don't fuck with us! If this is some sick joke, I'll personally decapitate someone!" Seungkwan said.

"Goodness, and hear I thought you all would be crying tears of joy for the man who sacrificed their life to be a distraction," The other replied calmly, only to freeze as the two rushed forward and threw their arms around him.

"HOW THE HELL ARE YOU ALIVE, JEONGHAN?!"

"Because I used my brain, and did not remove the bulletproof vest," Jeonghan responded, wrapping his arms around the two tightly, feeling them tremble within his embrace. "Now . . . Where did you put my negotiator and consigliere?"

𝙳𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟿, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟶

Joshua sighed, shifting his gaze towards Mingyu, who stood by the window his arm rested against the wall. Beside him was Seokmin, having the chance to hold Jane who was nestled in his arms, asleep.

"Mingyu, I think it's about time we sleep now. I'm tired..." Joshua said, catching the bodyguard's attention.

"Go to sleep with Seokmin and the others, hyung,"

"Mingyu, you haven't slept for two days. Don't make it three," Joshua rubbed his eyes, standing from the table. "Besides, there's nothing for you to wait for. And Jihoon will let us know when it is time to move,"

"I'll nap later, I promise..." Mingyu's hand formed into a fist as he shook his head, "And you don't even know what could happen. I mean, we clearly didn't see the invaders come trampling in," Mingyu responded sharply.

"Mingyu," Seokmin whispered with furrowed eyebrows. Joshua flinched at first automatically gesturing for Seokmin to leave the room with Jane.

"Mingyu, please. Just shut your eyes for a bit at the very least. I know you're just as anxious as we are, especially now that we're all miles away from each other, but you'll ruin yourself if you keep this up," Joshua said, crossing his arms as he walked towards the male. "And besides... Arin wouldn't want you to keep yourself awake like this, even if it's for our sake. Think about yourself too," Joshua frowned.

"I know... I honestly do, but I just can't sleep right after the incident," Mingyu rubbed his face, the distress finally surfacing after being pushed deep within in. "Everything was so perfect... And that was the only time we ever saw him express himself, the Jeonghan we knew back in Highschool... Then it all came crumbling down so fast, and, stupid or not of what he did, it worked... But not for him. You lost your husband, and the father to Jane... And we could've done better if we noticed the changes..."

Joshua hugged himself, nodding as he shifted his eyes to the floor, his heart clenching tightly at the mention of his deceased husband. "True... But there's nothing that can be done now. As much as we want, or hope we could've fixed it, or stopped it... We know it isn't possible.. But please attempt to rest or sit down. That's the least you can do for us, and, Jane needs her uncle's protection, yeah? But you can't do that if you're up so late," He stood beside Mingyu, staring down to the parking lot with few cars.

"I'll try at the very least... But what about you? Haven't you been struggling as well?" Mingyu questioned cautiously.

"Of course... Every second I am," Joshua responded, rubbing his arms. "I have been getting sleep, but... well, it's haunting..."

"And Seokmin's been drained entirely, hasn't he? Is that why he barely comes out from his room?.."

"He's just been so, so very tired..."

"...What will we actually do now?" Mingyu questioned, shifting his gaze towards the older. "Are you sure you can handle Jeonghan hyung's position?... To even appoint me as Underboss?"

"It's my responsibility now, isn't it?" Joshua whispered softly, looking towards the ring that glistened on his finger. He gently touched it, turning it slightly. "As much as I would rather let Jihoon take the position, it's now embedded into the family, and it directly goes to the Underboss... And it's the least I can do for everything he's ever done and wanted for us..." He paused. "And yes, I am positive that I want you to have your position again. But you must swear to me that you will not repeat your errors like you had done in the past. I entrust you with my life, and always have, but if you even dare to do it, especially with how things are now, I will not hesitate to have you suffer the consequences Jeonghan had refrained from."

Mingyu sealed the thick lump in his throat, shivers running down his spine as he exhaled, nodding. "Of course..."

Suddenly, they heard a knock on the door, causing them both to pause, turning their attention towards the locked door.

"No one left this building at any time, did they?" Joshua asked skeptically.

"No..."

"Mingyu, give me the backpack, and get the rest to the stairs," Joshua said, receiving the bag as he shuffled through it and pulled out his daggers. As Mingyu quietly made his way into the hallway, Joshua walked towards the door. He listened, waiting to hear if they'd continue or speak. But all that filled the air was silence.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Mr. Yoon, open up," Joshua froze.

"It's Jihoon, Joshua hyung. I've brought someone who needs our help desperately," Joshua didn't respond at first, unsure until he gained confirmation that it was the Consigliere. Breathing in, Joshua opened the door, unlocking the numerous locks before he found the younger standing at the door.

"What's with this new person?"

"Well... They want to gain their revenge, and, I'm sure all of us want to gain the opportunity at well," Jihoon said, causing the older to raise an eyebrow. "Isn't that right?"

"Oh," A male said darkly, sending shivers through Joshua as they came to the door, causing the other to drop his weapons, eyes big and round. "Most definitely. Wouldn't you agree, my love?"

"N-No... No way." Joshua said, his heart racing as his knees began to buckle, stumbling backwards with his hands over his mouth. "You can't-... Y-You can't play sick jokes l-like-"

"Joshuji, you know I would never play any twisted jokes like these on you. Never in my life, and, I swore to you I would never, yeah?" Joshua let out a sob as his husband stepped forward, holding his arms firmly. "I swore to you that I would never leave you. Not now, not ever." Softly, Jeonghan caressed his cheek, his other arm wrapping around his waist. "I would never abandon my Angel on this God forsaken Earth,"

"H-Hannie," Joshua choked, falling into his embrace as he held him tightly, sobbing as Jeonghan held him close to his chest, pressing a kiss to his head.

"Everything's going to be alright. I'll make it alright again... And we'll make them pay for this. We'll get our revenge once we've gathered the rest, my love. And then we'll finally have our well deserved time of peace. I'll make sure of it."

𝙳𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟸, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟶

As the building filled the sweet sounds of agonizing screaming, Joshua hummed happily as he held Jeonghan's hand, both walking towards the room where the head man was kept. Blood splattered the walls, bodies being ripped and torn, others being filled with holes. Joshua turned his gaze when a man was slammed against the wall, Jun being the one to push a sharp blade into their shoulder to hold them in place, blood sprinkled on his face as he cackled wickedly. But they left him to his "fun," entering the room where the man behind the reigns was tied to a chair, squirming and thrashing as he spat vulgar words.

"Settle down, settle down," Jeonghan chuckled as the newlywed separated, watching as horror formed on the man's aging face. "We haven't even gotten to the best part~"

"T-That's impossible! You JUMPED! You should be DEAD!" The male screamed.

"I defy death, haven't you heard?" Jeonghan chuckled as Joshua left the room, leaving Jeonghan to circle the male. "Besides, even if I died, I have some unfinished business... Thanks to you, our fucking wedding nearly became a funeral the very same day. We didn't even have our family and friends attend thanks to you and your belief that you," He started to laugh, running his fingers through his hair, "you could even achieve the impossible!" He then grabbed the chair, whipping him around as he pulled him, bringing him face-to-face as he tilted his head, a sick and deranged look within his eyes. "And as a gift for your fuckery, you'll get a test of your own medicine, my friend!"

Jeonghan then twisted him again, facing him towards the door. "But you're not getting it from me this time. No, no. You're going to suffer the consequences from my darling of a husband since you brought greater grief upon him than anyone else!"

"YOU'RE ALL MAD! YOU'RE ALL FUCKING DEMONS FROM HELL!" The man yelled.

"Oh. Ohohoho. You're absolutely right," Jeonghan grinned wickedly, lowering towards the man's ear. "We're the most demented shits here~" As Jeonghan finished, Joshua walked in with a bat resting against his shoulder, the most twisted smile on his face as his eye twitched slightly from the rage that was slowly surfacing.

"Hannie got the chance to do this to his parents, you know? Give them pretty bruises and dents before having their bodies scorched. I'm sure you'll love the honor of receiving the same treatment~"

As the man continued to protest, cursing them and degrading them, neither listened. Instead, Jeonghan stared at his husband with love and adoration, his smile sinister as he held the man still. "Let loose, baby~"

With a delighted giggle, Joshua swung the bat up, his eyes large with pure insanity as he yelled, "BATTER UP, BITCH!" With all his strength, he cracked the bat against the male, causing him to let out a cry as a bone snapped within his arm. And again, Joshua swung back and cracked it against his other arm, another cry emitting from the male. "THIS IS FOR RUINING OUR WEDDING!"

Bringing the bat above his head, Joshua slammed the bat against the male's knee, repeating it to the other. "THIS IS FOR ATTEMPTING TO TAKE DOWN OUR GROUP!" Slightly hopping with excitement and burning rage coursing through his veins, he slammed the bat against the male's head. "THIS IS FOR TRYING TO KILL MY HUSBAND, MY FUCKING FAMILY!"

And finally, swinging the bat, Joshua slammed the bat between the male's legs, a choked sob and scream filling the air. "AND FOR RUINING OUR FUCKING HONEYMOON BY CAUSING US TO SEPARATE YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" And as Jeonghan backed away after slamming his hand against the male's head, sending him to the floor on his side, he watched as his heart raced in his chest at the most beautiful and alluring sight before him as Joshua continued to crack the bat against the male over and over again, savoring each and every scream before dropping the bat down with satisfaction.

Proud of his husband, loving the torment he was bringing and the insanity emitting from him, Jeonghan went around the sobbing and bloodied man, Jeonghan wrapped his arm around Joshua, pulling him close as the other let out a laugh, raising an eyebrow towards him with a smirk. "How did I-" Joshua didn't finish as Jeonghan kissed him, tightening his grip on the other's waist as Joshua wrapped his arms around his neck, kissing him passionately and roughly, biting the bottom of his lip before the other broke the kiss, humming in content. "You did beautiful~" But he whispered into Joshua's ear, causing the other to turn red before grabbing the collar of his shirt.

"Yah, Yoon Jeonghan! You can't say that when we haven't even finished this!"

"Just a heads up for later," Jeonghan winked, causing the other to roll his eyes, but the feelings were equally enhanced as they stood over the broken and crippled man. "Speaking of finishing the job, why not leave a little something as a wondrous final touch before the real grand finale?~" He smirked devilishly.

"And that is?~" Joshua watched curiously as his husband pulled out his butterfly knife, flicking it open and having it placed within his hands, letting out a delighted squeal.

"Let's leave our initials~ A permanent reminder of who gained their revenge,"

With a grin, Joshua nodded, pulling his husband with him as they squatted towards the slowly dying man in front of them. "Let's carve it together, Hannie!~"

"Sounds perfect~" Jeonghan purred, taking Joshua's hand in his, both digging the knife within the male's flesh and beginning to tear it, carving their initials as the man screamed and writhed in pain, blood spilling like a river.

"Y. J + Y. H. J. J"

"It's almost like cutting our wedding cake, except, we won't be eating this one~" Joshua chuckled darkly, being nuzzled by Jeonghan who nodded in agreement.

"And now, the grand finale, Joshuji~" Jeonghan grinned, his head twitching slightly, naturally hitting his own head in response. Joshua cooed softly, used to seeing his lover inflict pain to himself.

"It'll be a beautiful campfire!~" Grabbing the gasoline and twisting the cap off, Jeonghan poured it all over the room before spilling the rest of its contents on the male after Joshua brought him upright in the chair, sitting loosely. As Joshua opened the window, he pulled a flare gun, shooting it upward as it bursted in purple, watching as everyone began to evacuate the building.

"And now," Jeonghan began, taking out a match and lighting it, "This will be our way of letting the fire consume the damned here~" With Joshua wrapped in his arm, standing at his side, Jeonghan tilted his head towards the tormented male. "All of your death here will be a reminder of who we are and what we do. So, thank you for being the reminder that The Purple Rose will forever reign glorious!" And as Jeonghan threw the match, the room set ablaze, the fire rising as it consumed hungrily, beginning to burn into the male's skin as he screamed.

Jeonghan and Joshua only watched with amusement and twisted delight, both turning around and leaving the building as the fire followed, but never reached far enough to catch the two as they joined the rest outside, the large building beginning to glow. And as they stood far away, Jeonghan wrapped his arms around Joshua, the other nuzzling him.

"Bring the building down, boys!" Jeonghan roared, and at his command, an explosion erupted within, the building beginning to collapse inside as the fire continued to rage, finishing their beautiful work. The members roared in triumph, laughing and sneering as they cheered for their group and the newlywed, watching the scene.

"Time to go home!" Jeonghan announced. "Everyone here deserves a rest after such a wonderful accomplishment tonight!"

"But to where?" Joshua questioned.

"Somewhere safer, I promise you that,"

💕| @ghoulxbaekhyun [Seok's Love/Bacon] @seventeen-chatbot [Jun's Woowoo/Fiance] @arinschoi [Mingyu's pumpkin] @heartbrokenxinseong [Jihoon's Moonlight] @kjiwon [Minghao's Rainbow]

Closest friends| @jiaqi-xu [Kiki] @kpop-shelter [Lovely Shelter] @vitoria-oc @bloodrose-cb [Julia] @shin-haneul [Haneullie] @sweetandsleepyjamie [Jamie] @frenemies-hyunsung [Rascals] @mitsukojen [Lovely Jennie] @pup-hendery [Pup] @mafia-chae @college-baekhyun [Wonwoo's Tutoring An Intellectual]

💎| @boxer-joshua @yanderexmingyu @decadewonwoo [Wok] @god-vernon @leejihoon-cb @van-gogh-minghao @weeb-wonwoo @mafia-svt @tattooartistjoshua @mafia-shua @vampireprince-jeonghan @yan-svt @captain-jihoon [and more]

🥀| @vampiremomo @princess-yeji @dungeonhybrids @incubuswooyoung @initial-d-renjun @la-soleilmafia-cb @floristluda @fairy-dejun @model-lucy @ateez-treasure9au-chatbot [DM for +/-]

[yoongusworld]

title –> Lifetime

genre –> smut , one sided love , nurse and pianist reader x pianist ,heir yoongi! oneshot.

characters –> bts! yoongi x reader , y/n ,dahyun.

this is based on imagination,character used exists but this is only a fanfiction.

i would like to give credits for some lines i will use

-hardfactzquotes,poise,blogkiat,themindsjournal.com,the last part i there is no watermark so i dont know who owns that but ctto.

my mom said that love can conquer all.the most scariest thing i don't want to experience is heartbreak but i you need to fall inlove and feel your heart break.One sided love is beautiful yet a heartbreak.No expectations,nothing in return,just pure love.Yet it hurts,no doubt. but nothing can be as beautiful as one sided love story.

"y/n honey! wake up! you'll be late for you practice daughter!" those words are loud.i'm sleepy.

"moooom~i practiced all night my fingers feel numb and my piano seems sad like it wants to give up~" i lazily replied to my mother.

"honey..you play for patients in the hospital you need to inspire them with your music,you said that right? plus payment is high you can add that when you leave or you want me to just pay--" i cut my moms words and said

"uuuuuugh--mom i know we have lots of money but i don't want to depend on your money its not that im not accepting your hardworks its just i want to prove everyone that i will not just depend on how rich we are. i know i can do it" i know i can.

"i know honey..i believe in you,you're the best choice i chose in my whole life and i know you never done anything wrong because youre my daughter,i love you honey...now get up!!" she said and patted my legs.

"love you too mom..here i come practice!!" and we both laugh. i love my mom. she supported me in every aspects of my life,every journey of my chilhood,teenage and being an adult and i will repay all her hardwork as my mom and as my dad.

after taking a quick bath i head to our kitchen to see what my mom cooks for breakfast and eat.

"bye y/n honey..please be safe. don't forget to put ointment on you finger,okay?" she pecked my cheeks like i'm a little child and said goodbye.

"bye mom!!" i drove to my practice place where aspiring pianists are really trying their best to learn more about piano.I'm not saying that im already a pro but i am really good at this. the're will be a program in a hospital where they will choose one pianist to play at 'bringing back patients to life with music program' sounds like they're already dead? and i was the chosen one.lucky me.there's a guy here who doesn't even talk and always seems..lonely.i am curious about him even i know shouldn't,i dont know its just like..he got me. going inside the practice room everybodys eyes are all on me even the piano teacher.

"Well goodmorning ms.lee,the chosen one. Everyone i forgot to tell y'all that y/n is going to play piano at the hospital program,congratulate her" as everyone claps i saw the introvert guy who put his hands together and clap a little. he's cute but he scares me sometimes. after all those claps i sat down next to him. i purposedly sat beside him. "u-um...h-hiii,i'm lee y/n, i see you don't talk too much so–" i thought i was the only one who can cut words,he did cut my words.

"i know you." how?that sounds great i dont need to introduce myself a lot.

"really???but how?" i asked while the piano teacher is doing his business on some sort of things.he is still looking at the lyrics,notes in front of him not even wanting to spare a glance at me.but when he talks he looks at my eyes well its not a look,more like a glare.

"youre mom is a doctor in 'Asan Mecial Center Soul' no wonder they chose you to play in the hospital because your mother is a doctor"he smirked and i was shocked on his words is he saying that i depend on my mom to get inside the program?!

"e-excuse me but i didn't ask any help from anyone i know inside that hospital!" who does he think he is?he look back on his papers not even replying on what i said. he is rude and scary as expected.

"yah!y/n" my friend dahyun hooked me up "what?" i replied. she's on my right side while that rude guy is on my left. "Are you seriously talking to min yoongi?!" she wishpered to me "who?who is yoongi?"i asked confused. "duh its the guy beside you girl!" so his name is yoongi?? "whats up with him?does he really talk rudely to people?!" i asked dahyun slightly mad. "yes!but he's hot isnt he? he is the next heir of the AMCS he is soon the president of the hospital,i heard he finished medicine and piano is just his hobby when he is bored,girl there is no way you dont know him!" it looks like he is that popular. i get more interested.my mom is one of the doctors there yet,i dont heard anything 'bout him.

after piano practice me and my bestfriend dahyun headed to the café. "whats up with you y/n? you seemed so quiet since we talked about yoongi" i still did not answer her question "hey!y/n are going to keep looking on your favorite iced americano?the ice is melting what the hell are you thinking there?!" i really need to ask dahyun since she knows everything about handsome and popular guys. "dahyun,what more you know about yoongi?" i asked im not shy to ask shes my bestfriend i can trust her with all my rants and secrets. "Hmm well they said that yoongi is really introvert not until her girlfriend appear‐-" she have girlfriend. "her girlfriend is the richest before they also said that yoongi wasn't planning to fall for her but he did. but after all their love story is tragic. shin hyemin's car crashed and its almost 1year but she's still in a coma her parents are lacking hope but not yoongi and thats when he turn back being quiet and rude. haish he really love her,i hope i will also have a relationship like them." she pouts and out her hand under her chin. "why are u suddenly interested at him huh? do you have a crush on him?" i don't know actually its just he is interesting,i want to know him.

"no!its because he talks rudely to me,thats why" i protest looking on a big glass window beside our table drinking my melted ice iced americano. "btw y/n the program is going near you only have 2days to look pretty!!" i sighed remembering the program "i know and i know you will help me find a nice outfit for it,right?" she also sighed and just nodded not having any choice "hm well good".

—after two days—

"yah y/n i really love this white dress on you,you indeed look like an angel fallen from the sky!!!" i spin myself like a princess feeling the white dress i am wearing "wow! my daughter is so beautiful!!!" we heard a voice from the door assuming its mom "yes of course auntie,i chose her outfit!" dahyun pouts "haha i know dahyunie thank you very much" i said and playfully hug her "ok bye girls,i need to go early one of the patients are slowly healing" she said then finally go "i wonder whos patient is that,your mom is great" dahyun said "i know now lets go and get readyyy,the program will start in 1hr!!!"

yoongi's pov

two days passed since i start to attend piano class to atleast reduce my stress but still,y/n is always bugging me,i cant get enough of her,she is making me do things i'm not supposed to do before. i was early to visit my girlfriend as always. as expected she's still on her coma,i don't know how long i can wait for her i am the next heir and my father wants me to find a woman that i will soon marry. i love this woman,she's my life. there's a mysterious man that always looking through hyenmins door i asked her parents if they know him or if hyenmin knows that guys but her parents said that they don't know him. Its kinda bothering me but unless as he isn't doing anything it will be fine.

"yoongi,thanks for visiting our daughter but you need to rest." her father said with a eyes of pity.

"no s-sir,i am completely fine" i faked a smile.

"yoongi,son,we told you right? its ok for us if you decided to find someone else its been a almost a year we should give up but you insisted and stay by her side,you are so kind and warm hearted yoongi but please remember this 'if you find someone that will make you happy we are fine with that' we know you always try hard to take care of hyenmin but now im returning your kindness to you and go find someone else"mrs. shin said to me with her eyes that were very teary,tears also escaped my eyes i dont wanna leave her,i can't imagine life without hyenmin even i knew that she hurt me.

"yoongi,you're such a great man. you can be with her until she woke up and explain everything to her we are here for you" his father was never like this he used to dislike me for hyenmin because i was playboy back then but she changed me i was happy with her.

"t-thank you mr and mrs.shin" i cried. "the program will start we'll going down,we heard you love piano. you should watch it too" he smiled at me and get out inside the room where hyenmin was.

ah yeah that stupid girl with her stupid program.she talks a lot like you hyenmin and moves like you. what should i do? she's more likely like you but u know that i will never replace you with anyone even you replaced me.

your pov

yup!!this is it y/n you can freaking do this,its just sick people,disabled people ugh!!but still they're people y/n why are you like this? "the next is a beautiful young lady who plays the piano,lee y/n" the mc speaks and called my name,this is it,for real!!! as i go to the stage theater of the hospital everyone is looking at me i guess white dress isn't a good idea? i nervously sat down the piano chair and get my hands ready above the piano. I played beethovens Moonlight Sonata.it certainly brightens the piece but it's not terribly emotional. Emotionally it makes me feel like life at the height of its passion.everyone looks emotional some are enjoying.

yoongi's pov

since i was tired i decided to go to the theater and see what that y/n can really do. its not yet starting but i hear the mc said that lee y/n is next and she's playing a piano. open the door and sat down at the back of the hospitals theater "s-sir what are you still doing here? Mr.min will scold you if he saw you here" i sighed and out my palms onto my forehead its one of my fathers bodyguard are they following me? "he will scold me if you told him that i am here so shut up" i saw y/n starts to play she's playing beethovens moonlight sonata huh i guess she wants everyone to cry.a person who knows music will know its sweet but a typical person who will hear it will definitely cry. as she plays long she is pouring her heart out on whats she's doing,she even wear a white dress she l-looks like an angel fallen from the-- shit! what am i saying?! i admit she is very attractive but she is distracting me from my girlfriend. (End of yoongis pov)

As soon as y/n finished the piano yoongi goes outside the theater and head home.She was fascinated by y/n.She never tought this will happen to him when he still has a girlfriend.This cant be happening he said to himself. He should finds out whats that feeling he's been craving whenever he looks at you.

i was laying on my bed thinking if its really yoongi or not"dahyun,i told you i saw yoongi inside the theater i am not lying or seeing someone that wasnt him coz i know its really him!!!" i explained to my bestfriend who looks at me in disgust. "whats with the disgust face?!" i shouted in stress. "ok let's say that—oh! yoongi was there but, he isn't there for you. he was probably taking care of her sleeping beauty!" while she laughed at me i am still stressed i am having a different feelings about him,its look like he shoots me with his killer looks and glare that i cannot forget those. "i–i know but–dahyun you're my bestfriend and i want to be honest with you on what i feel" then she replied with hum crossing both of ther arms together on his chest. "i really feel curious about yoongi he looks very mysterious and you know i like a person who is mysterious in a good way" she has a girlfriend i know that and im still finding out. "please y/n don't make actions you will regret after just remember i am here for you" she smiled and hugged me. she is right.

another piano lesson.i have no time eating breakfast my mom is already in the hospital and i sooooo lonely dahyun will not pick me up so i guess i drive myself there. I sighed remembering yoongi will be there. we are complete stranger but why do i feel this way towards him?This is crazy.im crazy. i was suddenly awaken my mind hearing my phone ringing "yes mom?" what is it this time?! "honey i am sorry to bother you but after your piano class can you please go here in the hospital" i get inside the class after we talk and there is no sign of yoongi everywhere "what happend to him?" i mumured "WHO?" i was startled by the voice behind me "yah!you startled me!!!" she smiled and grab my arms "lets go" after class me and dahyun planned to go shopping but obviously there was an urgent problem in the hospital and they need my help (i know y'all wondering why,easy) "ugh!y/n we supposed to date today!!"dahyun pouted. "i know im sorry they need a sub in the hospital" i calmly explained to her "you said you don't like to be a nurse but you finished nursing,you know what you confuse me sometimes!!" we laughed as i headed to the hospital.

—AT THE HOSPITAL—

"hey honey glad you made it here,thank you so much daughter we are really lacking of nurses this week but they promised to pay me double for that and i'll give some to you,okay?" i nodded and changed ny clothes to nurses clothes. its not easy to be a sub nurses but i am one of the most payed doctors daughter so its easy for me to get in and loved to help. i will soon leave my mom alone and i want to cherish her a lot so much this past few months. "you look good in nurses outfit,are you playing roleplay here?" a cold voice appeared behind me while i was walking in the hall and i fastly turn my back to that guy i knew it was him "y–yoongi? why did you not attend piano lesson today?" i asked i know i was out of line but i badly want to know his reason "i visited someone" he said coldy and walk past at me "h–hey y–yoongi wait!" he stopped walking but did not turn back to look at you. "what?"he simply talked "just wanted to talk to you.uh erm..if you'll let me???" what did i just say? and now i need to talk to him if he agree.

after my duty as a nurse today i looked at yoongi who is sipping his coffee looking at the sky at the hospitals rooftop i sighed and cut the silence between us "i just want to know if you're fine" i scratched the back on my neck really shy to talk to him "none of you're business" i need to get used to his rudeness "s–sorry i really wanted to be your um f–friend?if thats possible you know?" he heard it for sure but acted like he didn't "i have lots of friend,i dont want to add one anymore"again with his cold tone "well the more the merrier,they said" as i laughed sarcasticly "you're really different aren't you?" he laughed and looked at me "hm...i am" we both laughed and took advantage of a beautiful sun setting on its own.

months have passed i continued working inside the hospital as a nurse while dahyun works at her parents company and...me and yoongi are now friends we hang out a lot i can see he is happier now and i guess i just achieved my goal to make him happy.

"yah give it to me you asshole!" y/n reached for his hand but he is taller than her "only of you'll treat me dinner!" he shouted y/n ran over him but instead she hugged him tight. time stopped for a moment but he speaks up "a–all right,fine here!!" He finally give up and hand her the wallet. they were silent,the rooftop was silent,no birds,no animals,no people,just y/n and yoongi.we sat for another sunset to watch "i never thought we will be good friends" she said and he huffed "you are so noisy who wouldnt talk and hangout with you just to make you quiet?" she playfully punch him and laughed "its because you want me yoongi! If you dont then get rid of me!!!" She shouted to him alongwith a pout making him laugh even more.

she makes him happy how can he able to get rid of her?

After that yoongi and y/n hang out a lot. go to a coffee shop early in the morning, walking in the middle of the night when y/n messed up on hospital,watch movies when yoongi has a problem with his father and hyenmins condition.

you two were hanging out but the doctors called him to tell that hyenmin had seizure so yoongi rapidly ran to the hospital with just only one word he left that y/n always holds "sorry" that sorry followed by another sorry and another and another one. you cannot blame him,you came in his life in a wrong time.

this feelings you have been keeping wasn't like any other like your past relationships. you don't even tried to touch yourself when you think of them and be bold in words around them but with yoongi,its all different. you became more and more comfortable with each other as time passed.

we always seeing each other inside the hospital we ate lunch together,watch sunset together,walk outside together we did a lot as a friend but thats not what i feel anymore i am not curious about him now because i fell for him its more that just a friend and i am sure. we supposed to hangout after my shift .

I texted him to ask where is he. he isnt replying to all my texts "haaaaa where is he now??" i tapped one of my foot on the tiles waiting for yoongi at the hall "hey!!!" someone shocked me "yoongi!!!you startled me!! what took you so long?!" i pout and crossed my arms on my chest "im sorry okay,on my house?" he friendly hugged me that made me blushed. "yah!we're at the hospital and i'm a nurse" he look at me in confused and said "this hospital is mine and i dont care,how about we hang out now okay?no more talking"

we made it into his penthouse. this is the third time i came to his house first was because i bargged in to ask him if i can be his frien,second is when we became close friends that was memorable i am not sure but he was stressed that time so i hugged him as friend but i know we both felt that tension between us,we almosy kissed but the doctor call him about hyenmin. and now is the third,i really crave for this man but he doesn't feel the same.

"how about a movie?" he asked. "that sounds great but can you please order pizza im kinda craving pizza right now and im freaking tired!" i said and flopped myself onto his soft couch "okay just choose a movie while i order"he said while taking off his leather jacket and shoes,he is so hot i cannot stop thinkinh doing dirty thoughts with him but i remember hyenmin all of a sudden.

"can i turn the lights off?" i shouted at yoongi "sure!!!" she shouted back. after a minutes i already chose a movie to watch 'after' "what movie is that?" he asked and also flopped hiself on his couch "idunno its currently number 1 on netflix so this should be good" i yawn and arch my back to stretch "sleepy?" yoongi looked at me,his eyes are different today "n-no just tired. my back really hurts".

"how about a back massage?just a thank you for accompanying me" he slightly laughed and scratched the back of his neck "woah!thats the most kind word i heard today!thanks!" i speak in sarcastic way,he just rolled his eyes on me and pull me down to massage my back.

"ah~yes yoongi right there please~" it was almost a moan "how come you're good at this?" i asked while he continue massaging my back. "i learned it from hyenmin" he said. i admit that hurts me ofcourse he will still love his girlfriend i am not expecting anything just seeing him happy makes me okay.

yoongi's pov

"i learned it from hyenmin" i replied to her. It seems like she doesn't care. y/n keeps moaning while i massage her back it's making me aroused hearing her voice like that it's also been a while since i had sex. "ahh~yoongi thats right" she tilt her head making her hair fall to the side revealing her neck. i cannot take this anymore i am going to explode if she continue teasing me like this. "ahhh!~ yoongi thats hurts! are you alright?" i snapped into reality when i heard my name from her mouth "uh–um i–im sorry is the movie already done?" i changed the topic covering my hardening bulge with a pillow. "not yet were just in the rated 18+ part" she calmly said how can she be calm talking about the sex scene.

"i moan better than her" she said my eyes widen by her sudden words,she's eating the pizza sitting beside me,i see she's playing games with me, "what makes you say that huh?"i smirked at her and then she looks at me "yah!my ex and i attempt lots of sex he even recorded my voice because no one can moan how i moan!"she sound like she is scolding me. what is she saying? we were not comfortable to say things like this,she is totally different.i began talking to her comfortably in just a month not like others even hyenmin,or the six of my bestfriends.

"are you listening?!" she slap my shoulder playfully "i–i am" i replied. "yoongi can i lay on your lap?"did i hear her clear? im freaking hard right now and she wants to lay? On my lap?! "okay i'll take that as a yes!" with that she lay her head on my lap near my bulge as i began groaning when she moves.

"stop playing games with me y/n, i promise wo won't like it"

"what games?" and she continuesly moving,this is fucking great.

your pov

"y/n can you please stop freaking m-moving?!"he said at me more like a shout. "sorry" the movie is done but yoongi is just staying still on his sitting position "yah did you forget to move yoongi?" i laughed at him histerically cos he literally stopped moving he's like a stone i stopped laughing when i felt a hand on my waist.

it was yoongi,he was gripping my waist so hard all i see is him on top of me "i told you to stop freaking moving and now you're laughing like you don't know what you did huh?nurse y/n." he said looking at me with his dark eyes i really have no idea what he's saying "y–yoongi,i have no—" he cut my words

"damn you and your excuses,you make me this hard y/n. now make it up for me" i didn't even have the chance to talk when he slammed his lips in mine harshly i don't want to give in but in myself i am liking this yoongi. i kissed him back. he bite my lower lip asking for entrance he is dominating every moves. our tounges are dancing together our kiss is became steamy and hot i feel my core getting wet.

his lips are now going down to my neck biting the skin creating a hickeys "y–yoongi" i breathed out. he pull up the hem of my shirt taking it off and unclasping my bra so easily. his mouth made it to my hardening nipple nibbling his tongue on it while other hand massaging my left breast. i interwined my fingers through his soft hair as he continue to suck my breasts

"uugh y–yoongi~" i continue moaning his name pain and pleasure is what i am feeling right now as he began biting my nipples. i know i am being selfish right now. but just one day,one night will be enough with me.

his lips are moving further down pulling my skirt up to my belly that makes me shiver and aroused, he kissed my core and looked up at me and ask permission

"can i?" i nodded and he moved my panties to the side as i moaned when i felt his hot breath to my core sending shivers down my spine "y–yoongi p–pleaseee" i begged being desperate for him. "i need you y-yoongi" i moaned out "you're getting it for being a slut y/n"his words can make even a boy horny, he fastly remove my skirt along with my panties.

yoongi is eating me out like a hungry man "f–fuck" the only word thats getting out of my mouth as he continues to work on his tongue technology on my wet core

"cumming~" i moaned out as i feel my high going soon "cum for me baby" he mumbled thats vibrating on my core as i release my high.

"hmm so sweet" he said going back to my mouth as i taste myself on him,our kiss become sloppy. he breaks the kiss and breath heavily.

i heard a belt falling on the carpet "so beautiful" he whispered to himself but i still manage to hear

"how about you suck me first before i give you want you want,huh?is that good" he said with a raspy voice while touching my ass cheeks i gently oblige him as he sat down the couch and i get on my knees. his eyes are so dark full of lust.

i pull his pants down along with his boxers while he remove his white shirt,his hardened cock sprung out proudly standing up onto his belly it was an average size but he was thick enough to make me shout in pleasure.

“suck”he said in full of dominance i licked his dick like a kitten as you heard him hiss.

"don’t be a fucking tease" he shoves his hips sliding himself between your parted lips and onto your mouth. you taste the saltiness of arousal leaking from his swollen cock, you take him all in swirling you tongue around his pulsating cock. "ugh,your tongue feels so fucking good baby."

yoongi moans like his stresses are melting away with every in out pace of your mouth on his cock. he grips you hair so tight knowing he is almost there "fuck baby deeper,just like that. ughh f-fuck" he controls the pace making you choke,tears escaped from your eyes "uhhh your mouth feel so good baby,y–yeah" he is mouth fucking you.

"take it all,d–dont leave any single drop" you suck harder "i–m c–cumming" he groaned "f–fuck y/n take it all" i can feel his grip on my scalp,tears are still flowing as his hot cream shots down to your throat "fucking swallow my cum baby"

he pulled me up to him making me sit on his lap "ride me y/n,ride me like a good girl"

"yes daddy" he spanked my ass feeling a hot stingy sensation.

spank

spank

spank

i only yelp by his actions,it hurts but its good.

"do you want daddy to fuck you hard,huh?"

he said with a low raspy voice he put his long slender finger under my dripping core making me jump

"y–yes d–daddy fuck me h–hard" i moaned desperately

"you're fucking dripping for me you slut" he pumps his dick and gently slide it inside your wet core. you squeezed your eyes feeling his thick cock inside your pussy.

you wrap your arms around yoongis neck and breathing hardly

"damn it,y–you're so tight y/n" he waits until i adjust and move up and down his lap with his cock inside my core

he suck my nipples making me moan so loud he stopped and sucked your collarbones marking his territory "this is fucking mine,all mine" he grips your waist fucking you harder

"ugh y–yes d–daddy fuck me harder" he seems to like the daddy kink "daddy kink huh,i love it" he whispered to your ears still fucking you senseless "does mrs.lee k–knows that her daughter is a f–fucking slut around my cock,huh?"he said burying his cock deep inside you as you arched your back.

yoongi's pov

she is a moaning mess,i haven't done this for a year i can say that she is really good at this. i can't lie i am enjoying her company,i want her always beside me,she is making me happy and most of all she's making me good but i'm not sure about the feeling "f–fuck daddy,y–yes!!" she moans as i fuck her harder than ever "y–you will forget y–your name baby girl" i laid y/n on her back parting her legs wider to get better access on her g-spot.

"am i hitting it huh?f-fucking answer me" i said as i push harder inside her tight pussy "y–yes y–yoongi" she moaned "l-look at me" i command as she open her eyes straightly looking into my eyes,she is driving me insane.

i can feel her clench on my cock warning that she is cumming i fastened my pace harder "i-im cumming!" she moaned loud "cum with me"i burried my face on the side of her neck saying dirty words," i fucking l–love you" he said.with one last hard thrust her cum collided with mine. i gently pull my softened dick outside her pussy and pecked her lips. "thank you y/n" and then collapsed on her side still chasing our breaths.

"for what?" she asked "for staying and taking care of me,erm and being a good friend,i guess?" she looked at me with her angel eyes. she don't deserve someone like me,she deserves someone who will treat her better "i'll clean you up". i said "n-no i can do it,s–sorry i–im leaving." why? after all she will leave? she stands up gathering all her clothes and wearing them one by one.i respect her decision to leave so i let her.

you pov

yoongi collapsed beside me after chasing our highs he finally speaked up "thank you" for what? "for what?" i replied "for staying and taking care of me,erm and being a good friend,i guess?" friends. friend of course i am just a friend,you want this y/n now accept the consequences.you just filled up his needs not his empty heart. "i'll clean you up" he said "n-no i can do it,s–sorry i–im leaving." i think we will both needing space after this incident. i leave wearing all my clothes and drive home.

i should've stayed but i feel like i was used. i know i liked it too but still he called me as his 'friend' fucking wont make us official and i know that so that i love you doesn't mean anything to him?

at home

"hello?y/n?why did you call at this hour? is there a problem?are you crying?" dahyun asked me so many times but i still sobs and cry like crazy "y–you were right,i shouldn't make decisions i will regret!" i cried even more remembering what happen between me and yoongi "it's all going to be fine y/n. you just loved knowing he doesn't finish loving someone else,sushhh its alright just cry it all out,ok?you have work tomorrow you should be beautiful" but i still cry

"dahyunnnn! i love yoongi!!!what should i do?!" she sighed after saying a word "just talk to him,thats the better thing to do y/n do not avoid him or something. just talk and say what you really feel all this time". she is right.

after weeks i will finally showed myself up for my last day im hospital as a nurse.i prepare to go to work,putting make up on because i cried a lot last night. i sat down on my bed looking in the mirror,theres so many boxes on my room,yup i am slowly packing all my things since yoongi and me became really close friends . i am preparing to leave since then.

after 1hour i arrived at the hospital,i am scheduled to shin hyenmin today i guess its really a bad day to start to. i go inside the hospital changing my clothes into nurses clothes. i can't see where my mom is,i guess she is busy. i gathered the tray with injections ready to go to yoongi's girlfriend,im in the front of her room door "you can do it y/n" i slowly open the door and peeked who's inside. its a group of boys talking to each other i can't see the others face but i assumed they are 7 guys including yoongi.

i finally made it inside and talk like a professional nurse "excuse me sir but i need to inject this to her today...you can all stay but um just move aside." i smiled at them not even looking at yoongi, "wait–y/n is that you?!" one guy speak up i can't see his face but when yoongi moves i finally saw him "jungkook?" its him,the one who organized my house in u.s "i thought you already leave the country–" he was cutted by the other guy and said "let her inject something on yoongis girl bro" the boy said with a boxy smile "um oh yeah sorry i carried away" after injecting on hyenmin yoongi goes to her not even sparing a glance on me,holding her hand.

"wah yoongi really love hyenmin" its a guy with a wide shoulders. "y/n can we talk?" jungkook said. "um-yeah sure,ummm outside?" i point my thumb outside the door and we both talk there. i saw yoongi looking at us but when he knew i was looking he looks back at hyenmin. "um see you later guys,just gonna talk with this beautiful lady here!" jungkook winks at them "nice one jk!"a cute like a sun guy said and i blushed and the bowed goodbye at them.

"sooo~what is it?" i asked him "yoongi hyung is talked us about you,a lot." he confronts me "b-but.how?why? r–really?" why did he do that? "we don't know either but we knew yoongi hyung so much and we know something bothering him,he seems very happy now we thought hyenmin wwas awake but he said it was a girl he met on piano class" jungkook explained "he has hyenmin,i am just,a friend"

I lowered my head and interwined my fingers together as jungkook hold my hands "no y/n i'm not here as your organizer. im here for my hyung he loves you. hyenmin cheated on him a lot but still he stays thats why she has an accident because hyenmin chase him when he ran away caughting her cheat and he blamed himself."

yoongi never told me that. but still. he still love her. i knew that,the way he looks at her,kiss her lips and hold her hands. not just because we had sex doesnt mean he loves me more like i said i fulfill his needs but not his empty heart.

"the hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love,love someone else." i cried,again. jungkook hugged me as friend and told me everything will be fine. they always say that but everything will not be fine. "so are you still leaving the country?" he asked breaking our hug. "um it was planned year ago before i fell inlove with yoongi,so it is still on plan"

—inside hyenmins room—

hoseok : yah!guys look at our jk he is making a move to a girl,im so proud!

as they peak through the window of the door.

namjoon : wahh he is really good at girls!

jimin : our maknae is holding a girls hand!!

seokjin & tae : let me see!!

yoongi : can you all be quiet!!! move!!! let me see!!!

seokjin : yah yoongi-ah just accept the fact that you like her! and stop being jealous they're probably 'friends' like you and her.

he teases him that pissed him off even if that is the fact.

tae : jin-hyung is right hyung we all know the fact that unnie cheated on you but still you blame yourself on what happened so you can't let go.

yoongi felt weak at their words.

yoongi : shut up. i wont leave hyenmin for any other girls out there.

jimin : lol hyung then stop talking to us on how happy you are when you're with her.

yoongis pov

they are all right,but hyenmin and i didn't broke up,i just ran away. my thoughts were gone when we saw hyenmin slowly opening her eyes. "CALL A DOCTOR!! hyung she open her eyes!" namjoon shouted i ran to hold hyenmins hand "are you awake?" i said in gentle voice. "y–yoongi,babe is that you?" she said while crying 'babe'? the doctors came and told us to step outside the room to check up on her when i saw jungkook and others leaving and y/n packing her nurses things.

"so?she's awake,congrats!" y/n said with a weak smile,i still dont know how to face her after what happen to us "i–im sorry y/n,i know i fucked up but–" she cutted me telling me words i was scared to hear "no need to apologize yoongi,none of this are your fault.

I wanted this at the first place,be happy with her make her smile,i know you love her more than anything.its funny actually how a person can break your heart,and you can still love them with all the little pieces.ha ha why am i tearing? sorry tears of joy". but i know deep inside i was heartbroken after all it was my fault.

dahyun was right i shouldn't make actions just like that but she was wrong that i will regret this because yoongi is the best choice i've chosen.

"go to her yoongi,i hope we can still be friends. ju–just forgot what happened to us like you said,you thank me for being a good friend and now i am and i am proud that i am your friend." i cannot stop my tears its just flowing on its own.

yoongi cannot even speak a word to me,i guess he is speechless haha "y/n i love you as–" as much as you think . i put words next on what he supposed to say "friend,i know yoongi. i don't really know why i'm still hoping but just wanted to tell you that i love you so much,not as a friend or a piano classmate,but as a man. thank you,you made me happy even in a short period of time.i will never forget those times we we're hanging out but you recieved a call from hospital because of hyenmin haha i cannot stop laughing when you forgot to brush your teeth that time,i missed you a lot" i confessed.

is this my way of saying goodbye?when i decided to walk out for fresh air yoongi stopped me by holding wrist "y/n i– i am really sorry for everything,can you please give me some time to figure this out?" he said as i looked into his watery eyes "make it up to her yoongi,i know she cheated on you and you took blame on what happen to her but– she still needs you there. i just filled up you needs but not your heart and i guess we should stop this unknown thing between us,lets go back being just 'friends'" of course i was hurr by my own words but i think thats for the best of the both of us.

he freed his holds to my wrist as i kept on walking outside the hospital for my last day.

Its all messed up.

also last day in this country,tomorrow will be my flight.

yoongi's pov

i was standing there dumbfounded and also,heart broken. people are calling me "sir ms. hyenmin is looking for you" but that all sounds blurry to me,i only think of y/n right now. is she leaving me? can i live without her presence beside me? without her cheering me up every fucking single day? do i love her? those are questions in my mind. "sir ms.hyenmin is looking for you" the nurse said. they way i feel jealous when she's with jungkook is already an answer . i love her . i just need to talk to hyenmin.

"yoongi,i've already talk to your dad and he wants you to be more realistic and marry someone who can help this hospital and the company bigger" my fathers friend,a doctor said i have enough for this shit,i should marry someone who i love not like this "how many times did you all tell me that?aren't you all tired?" i frowned my eyebrows and ask the doctor another question "how is she?"

"i told her to sleep for an hour,i need to talk to the parents but since they are not here pls tell them that their daughter suffered mild amnesia like i said when the accident happened,it has a big impact that affect her brain. the medicine we're giving to her will help her and will bring her memories back to normal.i'll go now let her rest" he said then go.

i messed up everything,i lost y/n. i lost a friend or should i say a love one.

i told hyenmins parents what happened and they begged me to help hyenmin until she fully regained memories and then i can go and broke things up between us. i dont want to agree but they were begging me to the point they get on their knees.

how about y/n? how about us? i'll comeback to you y/n i promise.

after 1 month hyenmin continues her treatment and regaining memories,i can tell that she is healed now. she took photos of us and post on her sns people really think we're fine but little did they know the man that keeps on going on her room when she is still in the hospital said to me that he is hyenmins secret affair. mentally,emotionally,i finished everything between us. i will broke up with her when she remember that she cheated on me. i wouldn't let her hurt me again.

"hey jungkook? how's y/n? i think she changed her number i reached for her mom but she is not in their house dad also told me that her mom quit her job. look i am asking you because you know her,right?" even its on phone i can feel that jungkook is nervous to tell me something.

"hyung i am very sorry but y/n told me not to tell you this–"

"just tell me that happened man!" i nearly shout.

"as you can she she changed her phone number and sns account so you cannot find her. she is currently on US now,she left the evening when we talk–"

my world seems to crash. all this time she were far from me. no one dare to tell me even dahyun.

"we're in contact,she opens up to me sometimes. she even told me that she is stalking hyenmins account and said 'they look happy' she is not yet moved on hyung,i dont want to tell her what you really feel it is something you should tell her so i get out of your boths business,im really sorry hyung but i hope this will help you"

"no– it's fine man no need to apologize i–i fully understand you intention" after that we said our goodbyes and he gave me y/n's account to just let me visit her account or apologize to her after all what happened.

i will promise to apologize to her and bring her back. I just need to clear everything to hyenmin.

your pov

i cant say i am living my best life now that i am far from the person i love the most,i feel lonely even having lots of friends here in US i feel really empty and sad.

the worst feeling is knowing from the start that its never gonna happen. knowing from the start that he's just too good,way out of your league. feeling concious about how look when time will come you two will meet again and what you do and yet,you try anyway.

you have daydreams and imagines and you just wish evenythough you know that he will never choose you. but the absolute worse is when he told you directly that he only sees you as a friend.

And somehow your heart just wont listen.

I hope there's a lifetime that waits for us in other side of the universe.

you're a good dream sadly i was awaken

should i make part 2?????😭

sorry for wrong grammars,english is not my first language. also i give credits for some quotes and words i used for other part i added. thank you so much. this is my first ever fanfiction i am very sorry if this is bad.

[amenomiko]

Thank you for the request anon!!

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Title : FINE

Pairing: IkeSen Ieyasu x MC

Rated: M (Smut)

Type: One Shot

🌸🌸🌸-🌸🌸🌸-🌸🌸🌸

Her scrunched eyes and clenched fists enough to show how angry she is. How desperate she is to hold back her upcoming tears.

Just how did this happened?

After a few minutes of calming her breath, she opened her eyes and glare back at him. "I've had enough.." She started. Trembling. "I'm.. Tired."

Quick.

Do something.

What the hell are you thinking, standing there doing nothing but stare to her sad form? You've broke her heart..! Do something already..!

"Fine. You are not the only one."

What the hell am I saying?

She jolted her surprised look at him. He realized she tried to find reason in his contrary words--is it real? Is it fake? Is it sincere? Or is it not? Her eyes scanned his face, it took her a while before she could continue, and this time, tears are brimming on her cheeks. She nod, and nod, her lips curved into a sad smile.

..and that smile enough to make him imagine his heart had been thorned out from his chest and sliced into two. But why? Why he can't stop being contrary right now? Why he can't just pulled her hand and hug her close to his chest to apologize?

"....Ieyasu. We need a break." She sobbed.

No.

"We are." There's a choke in her throat when he said that.

NO..!

"..I'm sorry." She cup her mouth as she ran out from their bed chamber.

No..! No..! NO!

"DAMN IT...!" He slammed his work table, causing the herbs clatter around and some of it fell onto the tatami mat from the impact. "No..! That's not what I wanted to say..!" He grit his teeth, whispering to himself as he tug on his hair.

He have let his tiring days to pressurize him. He have been avoiding his lover who wanted to ease his fatigue by pushing her away. Thinking it was another disturbance where it's actually not. To add more to that, the daughter of a Daimyo that visited his castle can often be seen chatting with him on her interest on herbs--MC has misunderstood the situation from jealousy and comparing it with the differences of treatment between her and that princess. Instead of explaining it properly, he let his fatigue take over his emotions and have bursts all his pent up anger towards her. Which have let into previous argument.

It's normal for her to feel insecure. He have pushed her, avoiding her, and treated her that way. Of course..! Of course..! It's his fault. It's. His. Fault.

How could he do that to her..? She have chosen him over her timeline. She have chosen him instead of moving on within a peaceful world, he is EVERYTHING to her and yet.. He did that. He blindly did that. "...I'm an idiot.." He mumbled as he slump against the herbs.

"Princess..! Wait..!!"

He froze to the sound of horse and ruckus outside his room. "You..! What happened??" One of his vassals quickly get down to his knee. "We tried to stop her, My Lord..! But she have gone and get the horse and-" He groaned, "Did she say where she wanted to go?""I'm afraid not..! She just took the horse like that-"

"..My Lord."

Ieyasu turned to the maid behind the vassal. This is the maid that he hired personally for his wife. "I know I shouldn't pry but.. She said that she wanted to return to Azuchi Castle."

"..I see."

Azuchi. Much better than Kasugayama. Because he is afraid if MC suddenly choose Kenshin over him. If she is tired of him completely. Breathing a sigh of relief, he excuses his vassal and maid and starts to pack things for his own return to Azuchi. He can imagine the moment MC arrived there with tears, the other warlords will circle her, listened to her story no matter how she tried to keep it on herself, and Hideyoshi would fume with anger, and Nobunaga would command that his entrance at Azuchi Castle will be locked temporarily.

Still, the worst one would be Masamune. He might try to suggest MC that she should be with him.

Before that happened, he must depart from his castle as soon as possible.

--------------------------------------------------

He was right.

But he made it on time.

One of the guards said "Nobunaga-sama said if a yellow p-porcupine on a horse came at the castle gate, we must not let him in."

Ieyasu about to threaten the castle guard until Mitsuhide appeared. "It's alright, let him in. Ieyasu-sama will pay you double later."

Helping. But not helping at the same time.

Whatever it is he is already in. He immediately run towards his lover's room but only to be stopped by Hideyoshi and Nobunaga. Oh joy.

"What are you? Parents to MC?" He frowned.

Nobunaga shrugged. "You've made my fireball cry. Now her fire is not as strong as before. I take it that as your fault." He smirked.

"How immature of you to do that to her, Ieyasu. Have you remembered the day that you get through together? Then you let out your tiredness on her? I'm disappointed." Hideyoshi added, sighing while crossing his arms on his chest.

"Hey Ieyasu..! If you are done with her I can always be her next husband. I volunteer." Ieyasu glared at the laughing Masamune. And to Nobunaga, and Hideyoshi. He pull out a bag of konpeito which make Nobunaga's smirk to disappear instantly. "Let's make a deal. I won't disturb her until she herself wanted to see me."

Hideyoshi look from Ieyasu to Nobunaga. "N-nobunaga-sama..!" His lord grinned. "Deal.""NOBUNAGA-SAMA!!"

"I'm not a 'thing' for you to make a deal on, Nobunaga." A familiar voice speak behind them.

It was his lover. Looking worn out herself; he can see from her swollen eyes. "..MC." He called out to her. But before she could look at her beloved, she turn away, her back facing him. "What's the point of coming here? You are tired aren't you..?" He can see her wiping another tears on her face before she return back to her room. Ieyasu quicken his pace, walking pass the other warlords to catch up to her and when he did,

SLAP!!

His cheek is burning. A soft gasp escaped their throat, including Mitsuhide himself. "Don't touch me..!" She sobbed. "Don't ever, ever, touch me..!" Her eyes sting, she have shed tears more than she could today. "We are over, Ieyasu..! I hate you..! I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU!!!"

"MC..!!" He grab nothing but air as she run away from him.

"....." He brushed his cheek. That was a first time for her to do that. The hand that usually caress his cheek lovingly have hurt him today. The lips that usually utter 'I love you' had changed into 'I hate you'.

"Looks like she totally had enough I must say?" Mitsuhide grinned. "It's better to give her some space or else that hate will change to despise.""Oi..! Mitsuhide! Can't you read the situation??"

"No.. He is right. Pardon me."

Ieyasu returned to his manor, declining any food to be served and for the first time not attending war council for that day.

Even though Mitsuhide had said that, the stubborn part of him refuse to let MC go just like that. This is not the end. He must make sure this is not the end. She is everything to him and only her can hold that special place in his heart.

She have been avoiding him ever since. He expected that. She would look away even though they sit across each other in a war council, and she would face another way if they walk in a same hallway. There's also one time when she had a food poisoning, he is there to save her. But she told the maid to refuse any supply of medicines from him, and slap his hand away when he rub her back when she vomitted. "I don't need your help..!" She spat. Though after that she fainted when she tried to get away from him.

He couldn't take it anymore. Sure, she have recovered and all. But a month of avoiding has killed him slowly. Worst than a stab of a sword. He is determined that she is still longing for him, although she has been pushing him away, even a single brush from his hand on hers.

Because right now,

"Hnn-..!" Her bite on her pillow almost failed to cover her muffle of pleasure. Her messy locks spread across the futon, her legs are spreading to give more access to her finger to rub around her swollen bud, and the other hand pinching her nipple. "Mmm- ahh-" She moaned as she rub her wet entrance up and down, inserting one finger after another. "It's been a long time I didn't do it but.. It is still stretched down there..!" She gasped, her eyes roll back and saliva drip from the side of her gasping mouth. "Mmnn so good..! Nnnh I want more..!"

Ieyasu rub his own bulging that grows every second as he peek through the door screen. It's the same for him, he has been masturbating to her. 1 month is too long. Not only it kills him mentally.. It also kills his sexual needs. Almost every night he would imagine her naked body writhing under him, begging for more. "Mmmnn..! Ieyasu..!" Her moan brings him back to reality. "Ieyasu.. Ah- Ieyasu..! So good..!! Mmnn yes, lick me there..!"

How dirty of her.

"Ahhnn... I'm coming..! Ieyasu..!"

Splurt!!

Her legs trembled as she reached her orgasm. When she calm her heartbeat, a tear drop onto the pillow. "...Stupid Ieyasu." She sniffed. "I hate-.. I love you."

That's it.

Fine.

That's it.

It's his lost. He musn't prolong this anymore..!

BAM!

MC flinched when he cornered her on the wall. "W-what are you doing- what do you want? We are over, Ieyasu..!" He smirked. "You said that but why are your voice shaking?""I'm just surprised..! That's all..! Who wouldn't be surprised when they just want to have another peaceful day but got cornered into a wall??"

"Since when did you learn to say things like that?"

"..After I take a break from you of course..! This is the only way to defend myself from mmmf..!!"

He kissed her.

"Mmf-!!" She pushed him. "What do you think you are doing?? Sto- mmmf..!! Ieya- mmmnnn!! Ah..!" He rub his knee in between her legs, making her gasp from it and took the chance to insert his tongue in her mouth to kiss her deeply. "Mm- fu-.." Their tongue dances, mixing their saliva of need as MC slowly and gradually untighten the hold on his shoulder. There's a slick of trail of a saliva when they pulled apart. "Stop.. Please. Let go of me." She find her knees tremble from the kiss. Stupid knees.

"Nnn-" He rub his knee up to her entrance again. "Are you sure you want me to let go of you..?"

"Hya..!! W-wait- Ieyasu- AH!"

He had pull up the hem of her kimono and immediately thrust his dick into her in one go. "A-ah..?" She couldn't process it at the moment. He had entered into her, without preparation, without any lube, and yet her insides clenching him so painfully tight, as if it has been waiting for his dick to fill it completely. N-no..! Not this..! Or else..!

..She would lose her composure.

"Ieyasu.. NNN-"

He pulled out fully.

"AHN!?"

And plunge inside again. The whole length.

"You have been calling my name desperately last night. Now you beg me to let go of you? Never."

Her eyes widened. "Wh- wha-"

"Aroused when I say that? You've clenched me tighter than before." His voice is low and hoarse. It's been a long time since they had sex and he find his dick throbbing more than ever when it come into contact with her walls. "Yes. You've been calling my name. Aren't you a dirty one to fantasize despite saying "I hate you"..?"

SMACK!

He circle around her waist, smacking her butt cheeks, left and right, watching it bounces every time he hit her. He growled each time her pussy grip onto him tighter whenever he smack her and she let out a high pitched squeak from it. "You naughty girl..!"

SLAP!

SLAP!

SLAP!

He had plunge it into her, thrusting, ramming in and out, smacking her butt cheeks and rubbing and groping on it, taking it all with all his hands could grope, throughout the time he pounded inside her. "Admit it, MC. Admit that you've been longing for me to fuck you like this..!" He smack her bouncing breasts this time, pinching on her nipples. "You miss this aren't you? For me to fuck you deep and watch your tits bounce from my dick..!"

"Mmmnn!! Y-yes..! YES!! OH GOD..! Ieyasu..! S-so deep!! M-more..! More!! Don't stop!!"

"You hate me huh? Then whose dick making you cry with need hmm?" He bites her shoulder, making her dig her nails onto his back, creating new scratch marks. "Mmmnn! Yours..! Your dick make me cry with need..! Ah..! I love you, Ieyasu..! Mmh I love you..!" He pulled her into his embrace, kissing her deeply. "Mmn..!" He moved his lips to her nipple, sucking on it hard.

Then he stopped.

"W-what's wrong?"

He tasted milk. "MC..? You are lactating-" His eyes widened to hers as she blushed and look away. "W-well.. That's.. Kya..!"

He pushed her onto the futon, and he is still inside her. "Are you.."

His heart jumped when she nodded. "S-so.." She break the sudden ample silence. "It has been two months- remember the last time I vomitted? That wasn't food poisoning."

"....Nn." He rests his forehead on hers. "Ieyasu..?"

"I'm sorry. I'm.. Sorry." He hugged her close, kissing her temple and neck. "No.. It's mine too. It must have been the mood swings.. And.. Mmn- a-ahh..! Ieyasu-" He moved again, slowly but full of pleasure that drives her crazy. "Nnn why are you slowing down..! It won't hurt the baby..!"

"But-"

"No buts Tokugawa Ieyasu just fuck me already..!!!"

"Ugh-" He were pushed and MC rides on him now. "Let me do it then..! You know how much I like it rough..!" She rides him, circling her hips, making him throb. "Nn yes..! You are cumming aren't you? Cum inside me..! I want you, Ieyasu..!!""MC..!!"

They changed position again; he is scissoring her, thrusting into her deeply until his head reach its deepest part. "Yes..! Right there..!! Mmhh Ieyasu..! Ah- I'm coming..! I'm coming..!! Ieyasu..! IEYASU..!! AAAHHH!!!"

SPURRT!!! SPURT!

"Nnnn..!!!" He grunt, launching forward to push all of his dick fully, coating her pussy all over. He hissed as pump after pump, all the 1 month worth has emptied his balls to the point it flow out from their connected place. "Haaah.. So thick.." She licked her lips, grinned as it make his dick pulsate more and more when she did that. "Ieyasu.. I wonder if it's possible to add more babies inside..?" He smiled smugly like Nobunaga. "As if that's possible. If it is..." He pinched her nipple, fondling it with his index finger. "Your belly must have been swollen so much from our daily baby making and you could burst anytime."

It arouses her and she unconsciously move her hips upwards.

"Honey..? I want more."

"...With pleasure."

They squeeze their hands together as they kissed deeply for another round of make up sex. Maybe more than that, making up for what has been lost this few weeks back.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Eheh.

Eheheh.

(ㆁᴗㆁ✿) //wipes own nosebleed.

[trashwarden]

Can't Forget You

Most recent fic commission from ticklishivories (twitter)! Do commission Kathy if you have a chance (:

Dorian Pavus x Vaxus Trevelyan | Modern AU | (2387 words) | AO3

---

 Vaxus stares out the window with a dent in his brow and confusion souring his smile. The back of his head throbs where sutures were left in his scalp and he wants to scratch the itch underneath the bandage strapped to his temple and shoulder, but otherwise, he’s fine. Just frustrated.

           “I’m sorry I had to do that,” Dorian says again, “but they wouldn’t have let me pick you up otherwise.”

           “It’s alright,” Vax says quietly. He doesn’t know why he’s so upset that Dorian had to lie. It makes sense; roommate that happens to be best friend isn’t a sufficient title to be let in on a traumatic accident. There’s a lot of things that add up– no one else could pick him up, his sister is out of town, so unless he wanted to spend another night in the hospital Dorian had no choice but to lie. And yet something about it leaves Vax with an off taste.

           “You’re being unusually silent.” Dorian looks over his shoulder before he makes a right turn. Vax’s gaze lingers a little too long on the muscles in his forearm. “The surgeon said your memories would most likely return. There’s no need to be worried.”

           Vax knows that something is off about this; he feels that he should be comforting Dorian, not the other way around.

           A ring goes off, shrill and buzzing. Vax jumps a bit– Dorian reaches into the center console and pulls out a phone.

           “Hello, Val.”

           Val.

           “Oh!” Vax reaches for the phone, and Dorian leans away. “Let me talk to her.”

           “Keep calm, Vaxus! You still have a concussion.” He sighs, rolling his eyes. “Yes, that was him. Clearly a collision with a speeding delivery truck wasn’t enough to knock his zest out.”

           Vaxus sits back and folds his arms across his chest.

           “He’s pouting now. No, there was no trouble. They accepted the lie rather easily, actually.” Dorian goes quiet, then clears his throat. “Well, that’s your opinion, and you’re entitled to it. Anyways, I think he’ll be fine to use technology after he rests. I’ll make sure he calls you first thing in the morning.” He smiles. “It’s my pleasure. Please, don’t thank me. Your brother…he’s worth it.”

           Vaxus peers over at him, the ache in his chest drawing him away from the ache in his head for a moment. It’s deep and familiar, as if it’s grown roots in his body.

           He remembers things fleetingly; he remembers driving away, and being upset. What about? Maybe something to do with the man sitting next to him, whose strong profile makes him stomach flip, whose small, sad smile makes his heart twist painfully. It’s not true, they’re not boyfriends. Not only that, it was a clever lie and made things easier for everyone.

           But why does it hurt so badly?

           Dorian leads the way to their apartment, even going so far as to open the door for him. Vaxus shoves his hands into the pockets, watching Dorian turn on the lights and set his hospital bag and medicines down on the kitchen table. Something about the action of Dorian removing his coat makes Vaxus’ eyes linger longer than they should his shoulders, so he pulls his gaze away to walk towards the end of the hall where he assumes his room is.

           “Vaxus? You’re heading into my room!”

           Vaxus feels like he’s hanging off the edge of a merry-go-round.

           “I’m gonna puke,” he says, sure that Dorian can’t hear him from across the apartment, but in the time that he blinks Dorian is there, miraculously materialized, his warm hand on his back as he guides him to the bathroom.

           “You just need some rest,” Dorian says softly, soothing Vaxus’ anxious chills. “Right as rain by the morrow.”

           “God, your words.”

           “Hm?” Insecurity creeps into Dorian’s voice. “What about them? I know I can sound a bit pretentious sometimes but I truly don’t intend it, you know how it is at my job working around such arrogant–”

           “No, no. I like them.”

           “My coworkers?”

           “No, your words.” Vaxus waves his hand in the air flippantly. “Your elegance is charming. And your shyness about it is cute.”

           “O-Oh. Well…”

           But Dorian has no quip for that, even though Vaxus waits for it, standing slumped in the dark hallway with his hand on his back while trying to breathe deeply and evenly. He has a feeling that what he said was daring, overstepping some sort of unspoken boundary, but he doesn’t care anymore. Whatever stupid justification he made for himself to not flirt with Dorian was completely wrecked with the rest of him in the car accident.

           And why the hell wouldn’t he flirt with this man? This sexy, easily embarrassed man who he’s lucky enough to have as a roommate and best friend?

           Dorian carefully removes his hand. He stands straight and backs away, pointing towards the restroom. “The washroom is here, incase you’d forgotten that.”

           Vaxus stares at him, dead-eyed.

           “Right. Holler if you need anything. I’ll be…cooking. Something.”

           “Cooking what?”

           “Like it matters! People who’ve been in car accidents shouldn’t be sassing so much!”

           He stomps off, and Vaxus can’t help but laugh, even if his head pounds.

Vaxus sleeps until late in the afternoon the next day. When he wakes, a glass of water with a slice of lemon is waiting for him on his nightstand. He gulps it down greedily, wipes at his mouth, and pushes himself out of the bed.

           He needs a shower, urgently.

           The hot water soothes his head. He touches his bandages and realizes they’ve been replaced; he peels them off, wondering if he asks sweetly if Dorian would replace them while he’s awake.

           The thought of Dorian’s hands on his head makes the little blood he has left shoot straight down. He groans, not having the energy to take care of it this time.

           …This time?

           A fragment slides into place– of many other showers, and many other times he’s told himself he can’t, shouldn’t, touch himself after thinking of Dorian.

           And all the times he did anyway, unable to look at Dorian afterwards.

           This is wrong. Dorian is gay, his best friend, and Vaxus is–

           Very obviously into him.

           But he’s basically lied to Dorian about himself. How many times has he had to tell some story about a girl he’s met at a made up bar, just to cover up all the hours he’s spent thinking about taking Dorian out for a drink?

           This is stupid. If he gets into another accident, he won’t have the chance to tell his best friend what he really thinks.

           “Dammit,” he curses under his breath, and wonders how long he can stand under the spray before he turns into a giant prune. Vaxus shakes his head until everything inside it is thoroughly rattled, then soaps and rinses himself off.

           Dorian is sitting on the couch reading when Vaxus emerges. When he looks up from his book, Vaxus has the pleasure of seeing a blush rise like a thermometer from his neck to his ears and all the way to the top of his head.

           Probably because the only thing maintaining his modesty is the towel clinging to his waist, but who knows?

           “Hey,” Vaxus says, unable to stop his smirk from growing. Dorian nods, visibly having to pull his eyes away from his wet abs and down to his book. Vax approaches him. “What are you reading?”

           “Just…a romance.” Dorian clears his throat. “Quite silly, but fun.”

           It’s strange that he doesn’t elaborate more; Dorian’s always loved gushing about new reading material. Vaxus decides to change the topic. “Um,” he continues, his heart beat quickening. “We need to talk about something.”

           “Hm?” Dorian doesn’t look away from his book. But his voice is higher pitched than usual, as if it were gliding atop a thinly frozen lake. “And what would that be?”

           Vaxus lets out a long breath. He braces himself. “Uh, I don’t remember much. Surrounding the accident.”

           Dorian goes still.

           “But I remember that I’ve been avoiding you.”

           He approaches the couch, sitting down slowly enough that Dorian has no choice but to look at him. Vaxus touches his knee, and Dorian’s eyes lock on it.

           “I haven’t been honest about something.”

           “No,” Dorian whispers. “No,” louder. “I don’t think you’re in the correct state of mind.”

           “I think the accident finally shook something straight inside my head.” Vaxus laughs at the accidental pun, but he can tell Dorian doesn’t find it funny at all. He’s leaning away, sinking back against the couch. Vaxus’ hand slides an inch up his thigh– barely any movement, but enormously significant. His heart thunders in his chest. “Dorian…”

           “Wait, hold on a moment–”

           “I was so disappointed when I found out we weren’t an item,” he continues, “and I had no idea why, but I do now.”

           “Vax…”

           “I really feel like this was meant to happen. Even though it was a lie, those few moments where I believed we were together…felt right.”

           Dorian is staring at him, wide-eyed, backing away. Vax’s heart sinks. It hits him what he’s doing; pushing his best friend down with his barely clothed body, literally trapping him against the couch. He retracts his hand, standing up as his cheeks flood with heat.

           “S…Sorry.” His hand won’t stop tingling, so he pushes it through his wet hair. “I’ll put some clothes on.”

           “Vaxus,” Dorian sighs. More than tired, he sounds…sad. Vaxus’ heart cracks as he looks at him. “Maybe you should rest some more. What you went through was traumatic. You wouldn’t…” He shakes his head slowly, as if resigned. “You wouldn’t be saying these things if you knew everything.”

           There are gaps in Vaxus’ memories. He doesn’t know what lead to the accident, or anything before Dorian picked him up from the hospital, but he does know that whatever stupid reason he was keeping his secret from Dorian never mattered to begin with.

           A tension lingers in the air throughout the day and into the evening. It’s familiar in a way that makes Vaxus feel cold all over, like a premonition. He changes his own bandages in the bathroom, hissing as he reveals the blackened stitches and bruises along his shoulders and arms. His eyes are red.

           He remembers something– Dorian’s red eyes, withholding tears, as he told Vaxus that he couldn’t live with him anymore.

           “Oh,” Vax says aloud. He clutches his chest as a wave of nausea rolls through him.

           His head pounds. Memories flood into him and he gasps as if drowning.

           The yelling. The tears. The begging– who’s begging?

           Stay. Don’t go.

           Dorian wanted to leave. He said he couldn’t take it anymore, but never said why. Vaxus had needled him to the point of shouting, until–

           He left the apartment–

           He’d been so hurt, so distracted–

           And then the accident.

           “Dammit,” he curses, holding his head as he leans over the sink.

           “Vax?” Dorian’s voice comes through the other side of the bathroom door. “Everything all right in there?”

           Vaxus takes a deep breath.

           “Yes,” he says. “I’m fine.”

           “The phrase ‘I’m fine’ has never been uttered in total honesty in history, Vaxus.”

           Actually, fine is an understatement; he hasn’t felt better than he’s felt in days. Maybe even weeks. “My stitches hurt, is all.”

           Dorian tsks, then opens the door, surprising Vaxus. He’s in his night clothes, smelling of mint, and Vaxus’ heart skips a beat.

           “Let me see.”

           Dorian takes up the bandages from the counter and grabs Vaxus’ arm, directing him to sit on the toilet as he takes his head in his hands and inspects the stitches. Vaxus feels himself flushing and keeps his eyes down, painfully aware that he’s shirtless.

           Dorian’s hands are warm and gentle. He delicately dabs a soaked cotton ball onto the wounds, his fingers sifting through his waves of hair and pushing the strands away. His eyes are focused, lips pursed in concentration, and Vaxus has a desperate need to kiss him.

           He’s in too deep. Can’t turn back.

           Can’t lie to himself about this anymore.

           “I’m sorry,” is the first thing that comes out of his mouth.

           Dorian doesn’t stop touching him. “For what?”

           “The fight.”

           Now, he slows.

           “You wanted to move out, and I acted so...childish.” He closes his eyes. “I made things harder for you.”

           Dorian’s palm holds the side of his head. “Yes, you did. But,” he sighs, “not for the reasons you think.”

           Vaxus looks up. Dorian is gazing at him, smiling, but his grey eyes shine with sadness.

           “You said things earlier today that I’ve only dreamed of hearing,” he whispers. “And that’s all I was sure they ever would be. I couldn’t…I couldn’t bear to live here anymore. Not with you.”

           Vaxus places his hand over Dorian’s.

           “I wanted to move on. Towards you, I’ve been…for so long–”

           Vaxus fills in the gaps. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs, heartbroken.

           “I don’t want to hear an apology from you.”

           “No, Dorian.” Vaxus leans up, bringing their foreheads together. “I’m sorry…for not telling you. For making you wait.”

           Dorian’s voice trembles. “The accident, your head– you’re not in the right state–”

           “I’ve never been clearer,” Vaxus says firmly, and waits until Dorian slides his eyes open and looks at him, before kissing his lips. Dorian gasps softly. “Believe me.”

           There’s so much hurt in Dorian’s gaze, so much hesitance in his touch. But there’s hope, too, and Vaxus pours into his kisses all the feelings he’d been withholding, the thoughts he’d been too afraid to think, and hopes that Dorian can trust him with all that he’s giving.

           Dorian’s sigh is more of a whimper. When both his hands come up to cradle Vaxus’ head, Vaxus pulls back.

           “Ouch,” he grimaces.

           “O-Oh! Did I touch something I–”

           “Yeah, just a bruise–”

           “I’m so sorry, let me finish bandaging this–”

           Dorian’s face is redder than a ripe tomato’s. Vaxus laughs, not caring about the pain in his head at all. He laughs and laughs, holding Dorian around his waist as he finishes wrapping the bandages.

           They’d talk more about it later. For now, he’s more than happy to just listen to Dorian’s fast, happy heart.

[featherypromises]

Seokjin wasn't going to come out of this unscathed. Featuring sickie Namjoon, a smidgen of Jungkook, and Seokjin. Caretaking with Hoseok, Yoongi, and Seokjin. Minor mess warning!

For the prequel, click the link below.

Do as I say, not as I do (2):

A good hyung

Seokjin woke up. Not in his bed; laying down, but sitting in a rolling desk chair with his upper body stretched out face-down on top of Namjoon's comforter. He must have fallen asleep after putting Joonah to bed. 

The leader of BTS was still fast asleep. His mouth hung open, allowing quiet, congested snores to escape. He was also blissfully unaware of his audience of one. 

Remembering why he had been in the room in the first place, the older man reached over to gently place the back of his hand against Namjoon's forehead. The sleeping boy was still a bit warm, but definitely not as bad as he had been last night. The oldest member sighed tiredly and stretched. His back ached from the awkward way he had slept, but as long as Joon was okay, it was worth it. 

Getting up quietly to avoid waking his dongsaeng, the taller man left the room, closing the door behind him. He could hear voices and commotion downstairs, so the others were probably up. He tried in vain to flatten and smooth his flyaway hair as he headed towards the kitchen. 

Hobi was in the kitchen, preparing vegetables and chattering away at Yoongi, who, in his hyung's absence had started breakfast… Or lunch? Was it really 11:30 already? 

The maknae line was in a row on the sofa, looking like living representations of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" and they were oblivious to how cute it looked. Tae was holding the sides of his head, being aegyo. He had just trounced Jimin thoroughly in a video game and the defeated Jimin was covering his eyes in utter disbelief at the upset of his victory. Poor Kookie, looking only half-awake, held a tissue over his nose and mouth with both hands, blowing his much abused nose softly. Seokjin watched them, entertained, as the younger members teased each other and squabbled amongst themselves.

The oldest rapper turned to place the cooking pot into the sink and saw his hyung and what he was looking at. Immediately, Yoongi poked Hoseok and jerked his thumb towards the young vocalists. They shared a smile before turning to Seokjin. 

"Morning Hyung!" Said Hobi brightly.

"Barely…" Yoongi added, "Where's Joonah?"

"Sick…" admitted the older man with a sigh, "I think he caught it from Kookie, but… well, you know Namjoonah never does anything halfway."

Yoongi muttered a curse, 

"Aiisssh, that kid! Seriously…If he would just slow down for a minute…" Hoseok quieted his friend by placing a kindly hand on his arm and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Is he doing okay? How can we help? 

Seokjin smiled at the dance leader and shook his head, 

"I gotta handle this one, Hobiyah. It's not bad enough for him to go to the hospital, but he had a fever last night and this morning. I stayed with him overnight to make sure he would be alright." The oldest member rubbed his sore neck and looked at the counter in front of him rather than meet the eyes of either of the younger men. 

Hobi sucked in a breath through his teeth, making a disapproving cluck,

"Hyung! I could have stayed with him, or Yoongi,... You realize you are probably going to get it too now right?" 

Min Yoongi put two and two together in his head and swore again,

"Damnit Hyung! You are just as bad as Joonie! You catch everything these punks bring in here!" He pointed at the three youngest on the couch, drawing their attention. He continued,

"How long did you lecture Namjoon on his health yesterday, or today? I know you did! Don't shake your head at me hyung. You should apply some of your "wisdom" to your own life! Any of us, except maybe Jimin, (the exception to this statement objected with a loud "Yaaah!" and was ignored) would have had a better chance of not catching this than you. It's a miracle that you didn't catch it from Jungkookie!" Yoongi glared at the taller man, who glanced up when the rapper paused for breath.

"I know. It was dumb, but I couldn't just stand by and watch. He hid how sick he was until I found him out and demanded that he take today off. I know I'm going to get it, if I don't have it already, Yoongiyah. But Joon wasn't going to rest or tell anyone, because he felt that would be wrong for a leader to do that when we were all working so hard." Seokjin could feel the youngest three members' eyes on him and he turned towards them,

" You three need to stay away from Namjoon's room for at least a few days. This bug is a lot worse than what Kookie had..." Jungkook blew his nose again, and Seokjin corrected himself, "well, has… This isn't personal, it's being sure that we all don't end up getting sick. Okay?" The young trio nodded, and Seokjin continued, "I'll be with Joon until his fever's gone, but after that, if I start feeling even a little bit sick, I will be in my room, so steer clear until I let you know it's okay to go in again." 

He got more nods, and "Yes, Hyung"s from the maknaes. The eldest member turned back to Hoseok and Yoongi, who was still glowering at him.

"I'm going to need a few things: tissues, cough sweets, cold medicine that fix congestion and coughing, and some of the juices from the refrigerator. Food will be harder to figure out… Yoongiyah, Can you take the soup I froze last week out? Joon can eat that for a while. If I only come to the kitchen to heat up the food and we sanitize well, we should be able to reduce the chances that anyone else gets this."

Hobi began collecting the requested items as he spoke, leaving his hyungs to sort out the rest. Min Yoongi put his pointer finger up in a warning gesture,

"Hyung, you are going to tell me when you start to feel even a little off… I will bring food to you and to Joon. We really can't afford to have another member get sick or the recording next week is going to be delayed." Seokjin nodded reluctantly. He hated being fussed over, but the rapper was right. 

"I will." The oldest hyung gathered up the supplies and returned to Namjoon's bedroom. The door creaked a bit as he opened it, announcing his reentry. Namjoon groaned as he turned over and opened his eyes slowly. Putting the care items down on the desk, the older boy went over and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Hey Jooniyah, how are you feeling?" 

The younger man looked up at his hyung blearily,

"Dot good, Hyug. I'b so stuffed ub, I cadt breathe." Seokjin cringed as the younger man coughed harshly into his hands. His body shook with the effort and the struggle to stop the coughs seemed to drain the little energy the rapper had. 

"Let's get some medicine in you, Joonah." The older man helped him sit up against the pillows and measured out the red, gloppy medicine. Handing the tiny cup to Namjoon, Seokjin opened a berry-flavored juice and set it beside the sick man on his nightstand. The leader swallowed the stuff with a grimace and immediately chased it with a big gulp of juice. He licked his lips reflexively and winced. They were so badly chapped that the bottom lip was bleeding slightly. 

"Are the others okay?" asked the not-so-off-duty leader,  as he pulled a tube of lip balm out from under the pile of books on his nightstand and applied it generously.

"Worried about you, but fine otherwise." The older man replied honestly. Namjoon dropped his gaze to his lap and his fingers began toying with the bottle lid. Seokjin sighed,

" They would have found out sooner or later… besides they have to let the managers know that you are not well enough for the photoshoot tomorrow."

That made the leader look up sharply. When he started to protest, Seokjin held up his hand,

"Even if you feel 100% better tomorrow, you might still pass this on to the others. Nobody wants that, Jooniyah." 

The rapline's maknae looked like he still had objections for a moment, but his body had other ideas.

"Hh...Hiih-Hxxgt! Hhxxntch! Hiiphissh! Hektshuh!! Hhh...huhhh…ugh."

As the sneezes ripped their way out of the younger man's nose and throat, he struggled to squash them into his elbow as Seokjin watched helplessly. The oldest member grabbed the tissue box, pulled out a few and handed them to his Dongsaeng. Namjoon hitched for a moment more before groaning in frustration, as the last sneeze eluded him. He took the tissues and blew his nose cautiously, not wanting to trigger another fit. The sound made Seokjin's hair stand on end and he shuddered. It sounded similar to someone popping small bubbles on bubble wrap as the viscous liquid was forced out little by little.

"Poor Joonie… I'm sorry you are feeling so bad." The older man smoothed Namjoon's hair away from his forehead, checking for a fever. The findings gave Seokjin a little comfort. Joon might still be under the weather, but the fever was gone. The vocalist cleared his throat, as he quickly removed his hand, trying to regain his composure and hide his relief. This small action had an unexpected consequence, however. The ailing rapper looked at his hyung with confusion, which quickly evolved into anxious concern, then a guilt-induced panic:

"Hyug, you're dnot… Oh no, did I ged you sig?!? Shit! I'b so stupid! How could I have let you do all those things for be yesterday?!? I shouldn't have let you dnear be! And you were here all last dnight too? I'b so sorry, hyug!" 

Seokjin's utter shock at this sudden reaction, shaped his mouth into a small dumbfounded "o". Recovering himself, he tried to calm the unwell man, who was still berating himself with a thoroughness that showed that this was not the first time that he had thought these insults at himself. 

"Joonah! JOON! STOP! Just stop it now! You are not stupid at all! Never say anything like that again! If I get this cold, so what? I've had colds before. It's my job to look after myself, and if I don't, then the consequences are my fault. Mine. Not yours." Seokjin drew the anxiously trembling man to him, embracing him tightly, " I took my vitamins and got plenty of sleep, so that should give me a fighting chance. Yoongi said it was weird that I hadn't already caught this from Jungkook, maybe I'm building up some resistance." 

The older man felt the other man's congested breathing calm as he held him. Seokjin released the slightly smaller man slowly, guiding him back to lean against the pillows again. 

"You don't have to worry about anything except feeling better, okay?" The vocalist ruffled Namjoon's hair gently. The younger man nodded slowly, then blushed as his stomach grumbled its impatience for food loudly. Seokjin laughed,

"Sounds like you're hungry! I'll check with Yoongi and see if lunch is ready." A few text messages and minutes later, Min Yoongi entered carrying two bowls of chicken and vegetable soup.

"Seokjin-hyung said you weren't feeling well, so your hyungs thought soup would help you get better faster. Hoseokie will come check on you later." Yoongi held out one bowl to the younger rapper and gave the other to Seokjin. The normally taciturn man seemed to struggle for a moment before saying, 

"You worried us, Joonah… Next time you aren't 100%, just tell us. We won't think badly of you for something you can't control." 

Namjoon responded with a sheepish smile,

"I will, Yoongi-hyung… sorry."

Min Yoongi brushed the apology away with a flap of his hand,

"Quit with your sorries and eat before it gets cold." Namjoon obeyed and ate with obvious enjoyment. Seokjin would have been content just to watch the younger man eat. He was happiest when he could cook good food for the other members, but at the moment he had more pressing issues. An alarm bell was going off in his head, signaling him to do something about a tickle that was growing in the back of his nose. He fought for control as his nose twitched and scrunched with irritation. He had only a few seconds to act. He stood abruptly,

 "HH- I'm going to use the-hhh bathroom. I-I'll be back." He left quickly, his breath already hitching. He dashed down the hall, out of earshot and sneezed desperately,

"Heh-hephBrrrsshuh! Ahh-Brreshooo!" The sneezes bent him at the waist, forcing him to try to catch them in his cupped hands. His eyes stung as his sinuses burned and his nose wasn't through with him yet, "Hhh-H'Ressshuh! Ah-GRSShooo! BRESSHUH!" 

Seokjin's hands were covered in a mess of liquid and his face twisted in disgust. He sniffled fruitlessly and turned into the bathroom, leaning his back against the door until it closed behind him. He used his elbows to turn on the faucet and scrubbed his hands until they were bright pink. He sniffled again, trying to prevent the fluid from running over his upper lip. 

The cold had finally caught up with him as Hoseok and Yoongi had said it would. He wasn't congested like Joonie was yet, but Seokjin knew it was only a matter of hours. He was just glad he had been able to leave before Yoongi, or worse, Namjoon had seen or heard that fit. The normally quiet Yoongi would have dragged his hyung by his ear back to the vocalist's bedroom and superglued the taller man to his bed. A small smile played across Seokjin's face at the mental image that accompanied that thought. But that picture was quickly warped until he could only see Joonah's panic-stricken face and hear the younger man verbally beating himself to a pulp over Seokjin getting sick. With a herculean effort, the oldest member pushed the gut-wrenching nightmare image away and splashed water onto his face to help clear his head. He would have to keep this development from Joon. If he didn't, the younger man would just make himself sicker worrying about things that he couldn't fix or change.

The vocalist dried his face and hands before grabbing some tissues and blowing his nose. The man knew how pointless blowing his nose was at this point. It was like kicking at a wave rolling onto the shore: you couldn't stop it, but trying made him feel like he wasn't giving in to the illness yet. He shoved extra tissues into his pocket, just in case.

Steeling himself, he returned to the youngest rapper's bedroom. Yoongi gave him a suspicious look as he entered, but said nothing. Instead the younger man put his pointer finger close to his lips in a pantomime of "Shush". Seokjin relaxed as he saw that their leader was asleep again, his bedspread lovingly tucked in around him and a box of tissues within easy reach. 

Silently the older men collected the bowls, flatware, and empty bottle of juice and left the room like shadows, closing the door behind them. They moved down the hall towards the stairs, when Seokjin felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. When he turned to see what the rapper needed, the older man was instantly subjected to a long, deft finger poking him in the nose. Seokjin stumbled back and gasped as his now sensitized nose objected, and launched him into an itchy flurry of sneezes.

"Wh-what the Hehhhl! H-Heh-Hahrresshoo! HehGrresshhoo!! Hat'shuuh! Ghessshoo! Heh-HAH-HEKT'SHOOO!!! ASH-CHOO!!!"

Unable to cover with full hands, Seokjin sneezed openly, twisting away from the younger man. At the end of the fit, the older man was a sniffling, drippy wreck. He wiped his runny nose on the forearm of his sleeve. Through teary eyes, he saw Yoongi glaring at him, arms crossed; the dishes he'd been carrying on the floor, forgotten.

Defeated, the older man made a face at the younger man before continuing down the stairs with the dishes. He put them into the sink and used a paper towel to clean himself up, as Yoongi caught up with him. The rapper deposited the remaining dishes into the sink and said,

"I could hear you from down the hall."

Seokjin went white as a sheet. Had Namjoon heard too? The shorter man shook his head, in response to the unasked question.

"Joon was too busy to hear… his nose was causing him problems too. He was so tired after that much sneezing that he almost fell asleep sitting up." 

The singer sighed in relief. He nodded and turned to head upstairs to get some rest himself. It would be a long couple of days. Passing Yoongi, he rested one large hand on the smaller man's shoulder.

"Don't tell him… Joonie would just be upset."

"Fine, but you have to promise me, Hyung, that you will text either me or Hobi if you need anything or if you start feeling really bad. Any sign of fever or…anything…" Yoongi didn't meet his hyung's eyes, but Seokjin knew that was just the rapper trying to hide his concern. Six years of friendship had given the oldest member at least that much insight into Min Yoongi's mind. He smiled at the younger man, 

"I promise, Yoongiyah." His tender moment with the younger member was interrupted by another sneeze. This time he was able to fish a tissue from his pocket to catch it. 

"Huh-HUH-HEH-GHSSSHH!" The younger man rolled his eyes at his hyung,

"Yeah-yeah, let's get you back upstairs. I'll check on Joonie once you are settled and I'll have Hoseokie check on you later."

The oldest member snuffled into the tissue and nodded, following the smaller man up the stairs and into his bedroom. Seokjin wasn't really surprised when the rapper turned down the bed coverlet and sheets or when he pulled the shades on the windows to darken the room for sleep. What surprised him was that once he had laid down, Yoongi with practiced hands began to tuck him in, in the same way he had obviously done for Namjoon, not long ago. Seokjin hadn't experienced this in years, it felt strangely comforting. 

"Sleep well, Hyung. I will bring you some medicine in a few minutes." The older man smiled at the rapper, showing a mixture of pride and gratitude, and said just loud enough for Yoongi to hear as he turned to leave,

"You are a good hyung, Yoongiyah."

"You too."

[g7turnup]

My FIRST Got7 REACTS

Got7 reacts scenario: Your Got7 babe is laying in bed looking at you: whose in a t-shirt and underwear fast asleep; seeing your arms and legs covered in cuts and bruises from work.

Mark

Mark was laying wide awake in bed watching you sleep, his eyes skimmed up and down your curves. He was suddenly surprised to see the amount of cuts and bruises you had. He felt terrible that you worked so hard when all he wanted to do was treat you and take care of you himself. He lightly brushed his fingers across the different cuts and bruises not looking away from you for one second. "My baby girl works way too hard" he whispered kissing your forehead before continuing to stare at you. When you woke up you jumped seeing Mark's eyes peering at you so intently. "Mark oppa you scared me." you said sleepily. He giggled softy "Sorry, I've been waiting for you to wake up so I could do this and not wake you." You looked at him confused at his words. "Your not moving from my arms or this bed today!" He said as he quickly wrapped his arms around you becoming the big spoon; he lightly kissed your cheek before laying his head on your shoulder. You could feel his breath hitting your ear."your body needs a day dedicated to resting." you sighed closing your eyes relaxed by his warmth slowly falling back asleep. A "resting" day it was then.

Jeabum

This boy was looking your sexy curves up and down as you slept when he notices all your cuts and bruises. Being Jeabum he immediately assumed the worst. "Is she getting hit by someone?" He examined you closer rubbing your bruises with a concerned look. "Why hasn't she said anything to me?" he continued to examine you pausing when you started to squirm. "Ya! Y/N whose hitting you so that you have this many bruises. Why didn't you tell me? I'll kick their asses! No one touches my girl like this!" Jeabum was overprotective of you and you thought it was the cutest thing. You slowly sat up facing him, a tired smile slowly growing across your face. He remained still waiting for your response his eyes full of rage. "Oppa..." you grabbed his hand "there's lots of heavy equipment at work, and you know I'm clumsy." you said giggling as you spoke waiting for his reaction. His eyes grew wide "Work? No way!" He bounced into your embrace forcing you back down on the bed. He wrapped his arms tightly around your waist as he rested his head on your chest. "I was so worried it was something else. God damn you worry me all the time." You smiled running your fingers through his hair. "I'm fine Jb promise!" he quickly sat himself halfway up pressing his lips to yours. "You better be. Yah, take more care of yourself at work I know I'm a great guy and you want to treat me and all but I'm not worth THIS much pain baby." He said with a sarcastic tone. "You know thats not why I work babe" "shhh don't lie" he said laying back down resting his head on you. "Go back to sleep baby, you need more rest."

Jackson

Jackson was holding you in his arms as you slept. He rubbed his thumb along your arms and slowly put your tiny hands in his big ones. He began noticing all the cuts and bruises up and down your arms and then legs. He looked at your skin with sad eyes. He was proud of you for working so hard but hurting seeing your skin all messed up. "A girl should never be working so hard she's this beat up, especially Y/N" he mummbled to himself as he continued rubbing his thumb along your arm. He wanted to kiss the hell out of you right then; tell you how much he loved you, and tell you how proud he was of you. You slowly woke up grabbing his hand and squeezing it. "Baby you're awake!" he said rolling you over to face him. He cupped your face in his hands and smiled at you before pressing his lips to yours. "You're so beautiful inside and out you know that?" he said as he began planting kisses up and down your arms and legs kissing each tiny cut or bruise. "I'll make them all better even if i have to kiss you all day!" he said as you slightly squirmed underneath him. "Jackson-ah!" you said giggling. "What baby?" he said kissing your forehead and then lips. "I love you my precious baby girl!" he said before continuing to run his lips up and down your body. "So any more hidden cuts or bruises in places i can't see?" he said winking. "Oppa!"

Jinyoung

Jinyoung was a quiet layed back boyfriend: usually he admired you in his thoughts more than outloud. Jinyoung rolled over to face you when he woke up staring at how adorable his girl was. He ran his index finger along your lips. "Mine." he said with a smile before planting a light kiss on your lips. He continued to stare at you up and down before he quickly noticed your cuts and bruises. He gasped slightly remembering how clumsy you are. "Y/N..." he said staring at all the marks. He felt his mother instincts take over hopping out of the bed he went to get some bandaids for the deeper cuts. He took his time slowly applying medicine and bandaids on each cut hoping not to wake you. You slowly woke up feeling his touch sitting yourself up rubbing your eyes. "Jinyoung-ie what are you doing?" he remained focus on your legs. "I'm taking care of my princess." he said finishing the last bandaid before looking over at you and slightly smiling. "She can't have a bunch of scars right?" he went to get up to put the first aid away but you stopped him grabbing his hand. "Oppa wait!" He looked at you confused; you wrapped you arms around his neck pulling him back down on the bed with you. "Stay!" you said in a babyfied voice pouting your lips. He giggled looking into your eyes slowly pressing his lips to yours leaving a soft kiss. "Promise to stop being so clumsy at work and I will." you giggled "I will! Promise!" he leaned back in, inching his lips closer and closer to yours before pulling away quickly to tease you. "Yah! Jinyoung" you whined. "Yes princess?" he smirked. "Kiss me" you groaned. He giggled planting his lips to yours showering you with soft kisses the rest of the morning.

Youngjae

This sunshine woke up with a huge smile across his face. He had gotten to wake up to such a nice view: you. He placed his arm on your side looking you up and down when he noticed the cuts and bruises. He looked at you pouting his lips before kissing your forehead. He slowly edged himself closer to you wrapping you in his arms protecting you. "I wish I could protect you like you do me" he whispered. You were the light of his life, the biggest reason he could do everything he had done was because he had your full support through everything. When he was down you were there to help him through it. Youngjae sighed feeling useless "what have I ever done to protect her?" You woke up feeling his breath hit your face. "Hm...Youngjae?" You said tiredly. A pained smile grew across his face before he kissed your forehead. "Good morning Y/N." He stared at you with sad eyes. "Good morning. What's wrong? You ok?" he groaned. "It's stupid" he started to turn his body away but you grabbed his wrist making him face you. "No, what is it?" He held your hand rubbing his thumb along the back of your hand. "I just...saw all your cuts and bruises, and I just got thinking that I haven't protected you as much as you have me..." you frowned kissing his lips. "Can you really protect me from being clumsy? That's just me goofball! I'm really ok! Just a few scratches it's really nothing I promise you." He frowned "I just..." you stopped him kissing his lips again. "No it's nothing you can help Youngjae, you always protect me whenever you can. My clumsiness isn't really something you can protect me from. Don't worry about it ok?" He finally cracked a light smile. "Why do you always know what to say to make me feel better?" You smiled running your fingers through his hair. "I just tell you the truth baby. You're always so good to me." You lay there admiring his soft features. He looked at you before inching his plump lips closer to yours and kissing you. He elongated the kiss as long as he could before pulling away. "I love you Y/N." He pulled you into his arms trapping you in his embrace. "I love you too Youngjae."

Bambam

Bambam had been lying awake for a good hour waiting on you to wake up so he could play with you. His patience grew thin as he scoot himself closer and closer to you. "Y/N...wake up before I start tickling you." he said nudging your shoulder. "Ah...Bambam...let's sleep more..." You rolled over facing him your eyes still shut. "No it's time to wake up its almost noon!" he groaned. "Mm..." a smile grew on your face; Bambam quickly became entranced by you. He stared at all the details of your face; your long eyelashes, button nose, smooth lips. You sighed in your sleep drawing Bambam back to reality. He grabbed your hips with his long fingers. "No your not getting out of this by being cute!" he began tickling your sides causing you to squirm. "Bambam!" you had kicked the covers off of the both of you. Bambam rolled himself on top of you tickling you from beneath him, he quickly saw the cuts and purple bruises on your arms as you fought agaisnt his tickling. He paused in his tracks holding your arms up staring at them. "What happened here? Thats not from me playing around with you is it?" Bambam stared at you with sad eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't know I was hurting you..." He said frozen above you. You smiled rolling him over sitting yourself on him this time, you held his wrists as you leaned yourself into his lips kissing him softly. "You didn't do that goofy. It's from work unfortunately...I'm clumsy..." You giggled nervously. Bambam sat up to be face to face with you. You wrapped your legs around his waist smiling. He quickly hugged you tightly resting his head on your shoulder. "I'm glad it wasn't me... I wouldn't be able to forgive myself..." he sighed rubbing your back with his thumb. "But still babe!" he looked into your eyes "You got to be more careful!" he hugged you and rolled you back on your back. He quickly layed down beside you embracing you as tight as he could. "I changed my mind Y/N. Let's rest a little bit longer..."

YuGyeom

The giant maknae was laying there staring at your soft feautures. He was feeling extra needy being you fell straight asleep when you got home from work. He felt sorry that you worked so hard, but he wanted your physical attention bad. Yugyeom slowly scoot himself closer to you, gazing at your exposed neck. A smile slowly growing across his face. He ran his thumb across your cheek as he pressed his lips to yours; he then pulled away from your lips attacking your neck with kisses. You woke up feeling his soft kisses. "Mmm...Yug...what are you doing? " he pressed his lips back to yours giggling. "I'm getting the attention I want from you." he threw the covers off of you and continued showering you with kisses. You began squirming a little but he quickly held your wirsts to the bed. Yugyeom sat up looking at your gorgeous curves when he noticed your bruises and cuts on your legs and arms. "What happened baby?" he said planting a kiss on your bruised up knee. You shook your head "Just my usual clumsyness at work." A soft smile appeared on his lips as he kissed a few more of the cuts on your knees. "You work too hard baby." he layed himself on top of you staring into your eyes before pressing his lips on yours once more. He elongated the kiss twirling his tongue with yours, he bit your lip as he pulled away making you groan. He kissed your arms up and down not missing a cut. "Let me...treat you for your hard work." he said as he intertwined his fingers with yours. The rest of the morning the giant maknae showered you with soft wet kisses with his warm lips.

___________________________________

Authors note: Hello my dearest so this is something I've been working on for a few months now tbh... My first got7 reacts..! Cuts and bruises is something I often get at work, and I thought I'm sure others could relate to that; thus this was created. I hope you guys like it I know its different from my normal stuff but I hope it's enjoyable for you all! Love yah guys 💚🐤

[myvalzpival]

i know the post you put here with the ridiculous title is from a desinformation news portal but still aren't they kinda right? i mean you need glasses to see, you're fucked without them but if you want a sex change you should save up for the surgeries if you want them like i'm not trying to be offensive here but state can't have money for everything

Hi!I’m sorry my reply took quite some time but a) it’s the exam term and i have a buttload of shit to do and b) i need to fully explain some things to you. Since you can read the article title (and if you don’t know what we’re talking about, anon is referring to this post), I suppose you are Czech or Slovak, which, in fact, doesn’t really matter because you still probably have no knowledge of the process of “sex change” in the Czech Republic. Not saying you’re stupid or not educated, it’s simply a thing no one talks about in here. I absolutely understand where you’re coming from and I want you to know I’m not mad at you for voicing this opinion, but let me maybe try to point you to a different approach to this situation. 

The one problematic phrase in your ask is “if you want them”. The Czech Rep has very strict laws in regards to transition for transgender people and one of the rules is mandatory sterilization. In other words:

You can not get your documents legally changed to your desired gender if you don’t get sterilized!

That’s the law. And, yes, it’s been recently described as torture and abuse by the WHO, but our government does not intend to do anything about it (yes, there’s a new law on the table, but they’ve been refusing to even look at it since last year). but yeah go on about gay marriage i guess. Transgender people are not “choosing” to undergo surgeries, they are forced to undergo them. On this note, transgender people pay for health insurance just like everyone else in this country and everyone’s surgeries, whether it’s a raptured appendix or a dislocated knee, is paid from the insurance, so transgender people are entitled to having their surgeries paid from these funds.

Another sidenote: not all surgeries are paid for them. Within the transwomen, i think some of the surgeries apart from sterilization are considered “not necessary for improving the quality of their life” so they have to pay for them from their own pockets. Also, transgender people still have to pay for their medication, aka hormonal therapy. They don’t just get shit for free, even though it’s important for their health since once you get sterilized, your body needs to get the hormones from somewhere.

And one last note - Czech medicine in this field fucking s u c k s. So if you’re worried that transgender people are sucking money out of the healtcare system, don’t worry. A lot of transwomen travel to Thailand and pay for everything from their pockets because they would end up mutilated in the Czech Rep. A lot of transmen are refusing to get their genitals modelled for the same reason and have to either reconcile to the fact that their genitals will never be the way they want (either due to not undergoing the surgery or undergoing it with a terrible result), or they have to save up a LOT to afford the procedures in Germany. And, as much as i always assure people that there are way more transgender people here than they think, as a matter of fact, there’s not nearly enough of them in the Czech Republic to make any difference in the healtcare system money.

Also, the last time I bought glasses I got 300 Kč which i was entitled to once in 3 years. My glasses are usually like 2500 Kč so that help is fucking useless, especially when most of four-eyed people buy glasses more than once in three years.

Tldr: Your uncle who drinks 6 beers a day and smokes probably costs the state way more than a trans-dude who’s getting his body ruined by mandatory surgeries.

[gotoveritstillloveyou]

Aight, so, I'm about to just fucking eviscerate myself, and I need to say some shit before I do so. In fact, the next several chapters is gonna be all dark negative shit about you and me and life and our problems. I decided to save all the cool weird shit till the end.

First of all you can't take this wrong way. This chapter is dedicated to me just saying all the things I did wrong, without any explanation unless it's absolutely required, and I'm bout to just go the fuck off on myself. It's basically a list of horrible memories and reasons to hate me. But look, everyone does bad shit, some more than others, some worse than others. Not everybody does what I'm writing though. I'm about to acknowledge my awareness of what was wrong about me, validate how it affected us, and own up to it.

In general I write and work on all the mistakes of my past and when I work on this specific project I work on all the problems we had and ways we hurt each other. That's not the whole picture. All day long all the time, I think about all our good memories and how special and great you are, that's what keeps me going. And then I gotta find answers and solutions. Those answers are hidden within the problems, and they are the things that are broken.

There are a lot of reasons I did all these things. So much of it was out of my control and just hurt me as much as it hurt anyone else. I didn't want to be feeling or acting or being like this. Some of its not like that though, some of these are just me. Just me being an asshole or me just sucking. There's no explanation or justification to any of this, but there are reasons, and those reasons do not buy any forgiveness, but at least, for the both of us, we can at least see I was truly not some psychotic asshole evil person at heart. But I'm not writing about those reasons here. I'm gonna attempt to just flat out say this shit.

That's the last couple things to keep in mind. It's one of the reasons I have chosen to continue living, these are not the things of my heart. Deep down in my heart I feel like I never skipped a beat. I have always been good in my heart. That was hard for me to accept honestly. That's how I'm trying to live my life now. None of these things truly came from my heart, they came from my ego, my pain, my stupidity, and just how I was almost forced to respond to life. I was created by my environment and I just took the worst path. I could've been forged by the fire but instead I burned.

This is the first point of order but also kinda part of the preamble. My stupidity. That is one thing that really ties this whole story together, extends from beginning to end. I'm just fucking stupid. The things I've done and the thoughts in my head and all of that, just stupid. Even now that I finally truly understand myself, and realize not everything was just a stupid mistake, but see how I slipped up, or I was misled, or reality was warped, or my mind played games on itself, or things weren't in my control, I still just feel stupid. I feel like while almost everything had a point of origin, had a long backstory, and had a set of circumstances leading it to happen, 99% of it could ALSO at the same time be explained with one thing: I'm fucking stupid. So much of this shit I think about, like this whole books worth of shit, was right in front of my fucking face and super obviously and blatant and self explanatory, yet I can see the reasons my mind missed it, but still, I'm like God DAMN what a fucking DUMBASS. I can see what led to my mistakes, that maybe they had good intentions, that maybe my failures were true attempts but failed for different reasons, and I look at my mistakes and I'm like holy shit what a fucking mouth breather. The things I've discovered and realized about you, they were really obvious at the time. Like in my mind as I discover them, it feels like I have unveiled some hidden secret and removed some illusion and found a deeper truth. Which often is truly the case. But about half of that? When I write it down in words. I'm like holy fuck what a tardo. It's like writing down "The sky is blue". And I'm still fucking stupid. I'm just stupid. I'm maybe less stupid than I was because I'm not all fucked up now, but looking back and seeing how stupid I was, that's the one thing I can't confidently say that I've fixed, I look back and see someone so fucking dumb that it's a joke to ever believe they could be less dumb. I'll get into this in the paranormal chapter, but I dont call myself a wizard for weirdo reasons, it truly is the one archetype that most closely matches the true nature of my soul, and even then, maybe one of the less talked about aspects of a wizard, but absolutely essential, is that he is the fool.

Hey me from the future here. I just spent a while writing this and then deleted it and stopped writing for a few days. I can't do it. I tried to write this out in excruciatingly overwritten detail and make it long as fuck. I just really want to own up to every single thing. I'm not gonna be able to do that. This entire couple years, I've been working through the stuff in my head and Journaling some of it. In the long run this is just my journal. Well some of those things I wrote down really fucked me up. Like a few of the longer posts in my journal set me into a 3 week long mental episode. I'm not bullshitting about what I said, I haven't just been sitting around and thinking about you occasionally and sometimes writing stuff about you. I've been reliving and regressing and examining my whole life in extended detail. Several times it has fucked me up and writing this was trying to do that and I just can't have it. I'm doing really good right now. Also, I was getting really deep into like every single bad thought in my head and they just aren't relevant. Every good thought I had during those times also had a doubt or a bad thought or something selfish, and everyone has that, and it isn't the real them, so I ain't writing that shit. Also, the times on this mental journey where processing stuff messed me up, sometimes it was just working through something tough, but a lot of times it was self imposed punishment. I don't believe my punishment is over for the way I've lived my life, but I simply can't do it to myself anymore. I did it until I was near death and felt so bad that I finally stopped and I'm not starting again. So I'm still gonna confess my sins but I'm not gonna go crazy with it. Like I said this is really just my final journal of the subject and it's directed at you but its for me, but if for some reason you've found this, and your one hang up is that I didn't say and explain every fucked up thing I did in painful levels of detail, just let me know.

Well of course it's starts at the start. Just at the start it was just me being a normal flawed dickhead, before all the crazy and evil. I didn't bullshit you on my sob story about Kammy. Yes, bitch was crazy, yes I had a TBI, yes I had just come out of a dementia tier 6 month trance. The part I left out that I was a dysfunctional dickhead. This is really the only part I'm adding explanations too, I swear. I was a fuckin asshole and bad at life and aimless and a loser and prone to agoraphobia and dissociation and tantrums of anger. Everyone hides shit like at the start. You hid a way bigger side. It's just that I lied and we saw the fruits of it. I just thought that was all due to my unhappiness and I just wasn't gonna be like that anymore it was a new me. That worked for a while.

See I got frontal lobe damage. Say someone really nice got frontal lobe damage. They would get a little meaner. It would be really obvious. Well I got frontal lobe damage so I guess everyone just thought they were finding out how mean I really was. And I'm anti-medicine and psychiatry. And I'm prone to dissociation and hiding my true thoughts. And I had childhood ptsd. And my life was already not going well and I was not putting myself into it. And THEN I got frontal lobe damage. Twice. So yeah I lied about that. I thought it was just really bad depression and when we met I was just then coming to terms with having a TBI, and thought it was just gonna be cognitive issues. No, I hit my head so fucking hard that cerebral fluid leaked out of my nose for 8 months and 5 years of my life were ruined. I just thought it was all my unhappy life with Kammys fault and I was free now and I was in control and I was gonna be a bad ass and just defeat all my demons at once.

Since this is the only time I'm gonna address the beginning of our relationship in a negative light, I wanna give it a small paragraph. I did not try to date you because you were young, or vulnerable, or the way you are. Just wanna put that out there. I know a lot of people thought that. I really have nothing else to say about that or feel any need to try and prove that. It's just true. I loved you and you're amazing, that is the only reason I wanted to be with you. No confession coming from that, but I felt one was expected, so I wanted to add this in.

Now, you were in fact vulnerable. Not gullible but like willing to listen/follow. You were vulnerable because of your situation. The only reason I liked that was just because you were down to roll and no baggage. I see the people around you take heavy advantage of your naive nature. I was always very careful with that. If I ever even broached that territory, I made sure I was being careful and not trying to fuck you around. That said I do have a confession, it's small in the grand scheme of things, but it really makes me wanna fucking puke and it's super cringe. I guess I just saw you as a girlfriend at first. Mostly this is just those typical first doubts everyone has. But I figured we would date for a year or so and I would help you out and then you could go off and find someone better for you. Like the dark side of my mind saw you as just company and temporary at first. I know this contradicts my previous story. This isn't the full story, this is my confession. This is me talking myself out of believing in the love I really felt. But then I just kept getting to know you more and realizing I really couldn't live without you. But I had just come out of this long ass relationship and then had all this fun being alone and dating, so I was just flooded with doubt and insecurity. That's not the confession. The confession is I then proceeded to try and manipulate you into some weird relationship dynamic that would put all my fears to rest and "not fuck my life up by being tied down". It was really scummy and doglike and you never were into it just went along with it to be with me. When you moved in I dropped it and that was your plan all along lol. Just being a normal dog man honestly but I feel gross for acting like that.

Now I will say I always brought up throuples. I just wanna say I never said that because I'm polyamourous or I wanted a threesome. I have legitimate justifiable reasons for that. They just didn't apply to you and I didn't see it, and always brought it up. You even brought it up a few times on your own, so did kammy. Just for me, it's more about balance. Just doesn't apply to you. You're my match. You're literally almost too much for me. Other girls aren't like that. That said I brought it up too much, and generally had a wandering eye because Im just a perv, but I shoulda kept that shit to myself. It's hurtful and degrading to say stuff like regardless of what's behind it.

I remember the first time I got mad at you and I do not regret it. I wish so bad to remember what you actually said that made me mad. I raised my voice slightly and said something very stern, slightly rude maybe. You were being disrespectful to the level of degrading. I don't regret it, but that broke the seal. Up until then,, I had just ignored you or stood my ground quietly, or at least calmly. I never should've stopped doing that.. The next couple times it happened, a few times it was the only way I was able to get my point across, and it worked. A few times were my first slip ups into my old bad self.

I only wrote that last paragraph to make a point. Anger is okay. But more than that, not being gentle is okay, standing my ground and sticking up for myself is okay. But I'm making a point. The first couple times were okay, or small mistakes. Pretty much every time after that was fucked up and wrong.

I was mean and unpleasant towards you for the rest of our entire relationship. Look you're a brat, emotional, and dramatic, and I miss all those things about you. At first it was just dealing with that, getting frustrated, or typical boyfriend girlfriend fights.

But then, I just got mean. Each day I got worse. I was the boy you loved who was so caring and thoughtful and nice. Then week by week I just got meaner.

There's a lot a reason but that's not what this is here for. It doesn't matter who's fault the anger was or what was behind it. It doesn't matter what lines I never crossed. I was mean. Over and over and over again. I chose to be mean again and again. I was just mean all the fucking time sometimes. I was mean over nothing. I snapped over nothing. I woke up already mad.

I blamed you. I blamed you for just fucking everything sometimes. I blamed you for things that you did actually do, they were you're fault, the blame was yours, but I chose to be mean about it. I insisted you did it on purpose whether you did or didn't. Sometimes you didn't didn't do anything. But regardless, I blamed you for one reason or the other, and my response was to get angry, throw a fit, withhold things from you, refuse to be nice to you, or refused to do something you asked or take you somewhere, because I blamed you and I was being fucking mean.

I held resentment too. I didn't stop blaming you or being mean about something just because the fight ended. It continued onward until you either proved me wrong or stopped doing it. And of course you didn't stop, I was being mean as fuck, you're just like me, I accused you and Kammy of doing the same thing to me: I was mean so you felt unloved, I didn't provide you an environment or chance to say sorry and change, I shamed you for it and I made it seem like our love was on the table, and that hurts, so you acted out. And then when you acted out I was twice as mean. And when you did it again I was quadruple mean, regardless if it was on purpose, on accident, or just in my head.

I was mean all the time. I yelled. I threw things. Multiple times I threw totinos pizzas or food. I stayed mad for hours.

There was a similar progression with how I dealt with your craziness. At first I was accepting and tried to help. Then it just got ridiculous. I would say one thing and you would completely shut down or lock yourself in the bathroom. At first it was like you would have an episode, or a panic attack, and I would calm you down for an hour and it still didn't work so I would try anger. And then that gap got shorter, I would try to help for a shorter time, and I wasn't just trying anger, or trying to show frustration, I was getting mad. Then there was a period where your mental episodes to me just meant we were having a fight so I fought with you, made it worse, extended it. And then there was the transitional phase where you were getting less crazy and I was getting more crazy, and at that point slowly I started thinking fuck this bitch. The second you had an issue I was like oh here we go again. If it wasn't directly related to me I would still try to help you, if you seemed legit upset. But if it was something between us I just instantly turned it into a dramatic fight and started being mean.

I did help you. By pushing you, being stubborn, maybe getting a little loud and stern. I helped you get outside more and feel better for things and be able to go do stuff without it being a big panic attack. But then I kept going. I kept pushing harder and harder. I stopped seeing you for who you really are and just wanted you to just shut up and be okay all the time. I was pushing myself so hard, and I felt you needed to be pushed that hard. So I just pushed harder and harder, got more loud, got more mean, got angry more quickly, and got more frustrated and it just grew and grew.

I wrote like a 4 page dissertation on the time I made you cry with spray cheese. I just feel so fucking bad about it. I put spray cheese on you and it triggered your autism really hard and you started crying. I almost got a little mad but then I tried to comfort you. I decided I had tried enough and you had cried enough. Really I kinda did. I tried to calm you down and make you feel better. You kept crying so I was just gonna let you cry. And you just cried more and more you just started all over from the beginning. I realize now that maybe you were just that upset, or you were crying because your heart was breaking over all the stuff going on in our lives. God it made me so made. I yelled at you to shut the fuck up. I thought you were doing it on purpose and you refused to let me comfort you and you were crying loud on purpose. I'm not giving you reasons, that's part of the confession, it's horrible that I even thought that. And even if I did think that, ptsd or not, why the fuck would I act like that. Jesus christ. A poor crying sad girl and I thought she was doing it to fuck with me so I yelled at her.

I'm getting off track but thats honestly one of the worst things I've ever done in my entire life. I was glad to be getting some writing done but I'm gonna have to stop for a while. That's one of those memories that makes me physically sick. It doesn't matter how guilty I feel BTW, that's not what I'm trying to say. It just makes me sick. What a horrible thing. A lot of people in prison for heinous crimes divorce themselves from the idea that it was the real them that did the crime. I'm not doing that. I wish I could. I wish you would call me and say you were actually doing it on purpose. But it makes me just as sick to think I did such a cruel thing, but it makes my head spin because that is also one of the clearest memories of how fucked up I was in my brain. I cannot believe the thoughts I had, the feelings I felt, and the way I acted. That is not me. I'm not divorced from shit, I did that shit, I know why I did it, I can feel myself doing it. That's not me. The real me would've let you cry for hours while holding you and did whatever it takes later to find out what was really wrong. It doesn't matter. That was so horrible and cruel. A lot of our other bad memories have at least some nuance to them, some back and forth, 2 toxic sick people, at least some semblance of a dramatic fight, not this one. It makes me feel like I am truly evil inside. I cannot imagine how bad I hurt you by doing that. I can't imagine the feelings you were feeling. To have your autism trigger and then your emotions start pouring out and me telling you to shut the fuck up and being mean. I feel like if I could feel the feelings I made you feel that night, I would actually die. I have to stop writing for a few days.

I didn't abuse you. Hold your horses before you shit yourself. There's just no part of this confession where I say "I'm your abuser I'm sorry". You can put your boots in the over and callem biscuits but that don't make it so.

I tried to ram the theory that I'm an abuser so far up my ass so many times. It just isn't true. I am a piece of shit that did bad things. I am a sick person in a bad situation. I'm an angry mean person.

You know in my edit above where I said sometimes the work and Journaling I've been doing messed me up? My story of what I've put my time into isn't bullshit. I haven't been sitting around musing about my ex girlfriend. I have been investigating, researching, and experimenting, every aspect of my life, every shadow, every part of my brain, health, ego, and every memory. I couldn't take it anymore and I had to get to the bottom of it. A lot of times this shit affected my work, my lifestyle, my health, my mental status.

You know which one fucked me up really bad? I wrote down every bad thing you did or made me feel but I used the terminology of domestic abuse and described what happened in the language of an abuse victim. It fit very very well. By the time I finished writing it I think it sent me into a spiral that lasted 6 weeks. Writing about my episodes and uncovering my trauma fucks me up, writing about good memories also particularly hurts me, but I remember this one particularly fucking me up. Don't worry, I saw through it. I explored every possibility I could think of and it was one of the dead ends.

I don't know why it fucked me up so bad. I fucking hope not because it was actually true. That it fit so well that I had to completely lie to myself and keep writing to reinforce my denial. I think it was just such a dark ending and hid too much truth. This was way before I started having revelations and improvements. So I think my brain was like NO BITCH START OVER.

An abuser is a specific kind of monster and criminal. Now, they do have "reasons" and could be self aware of them like I am. I don't call them reasons. I call them origins. They may have psychological problems, or be part of a cycle of abuse. Hint hint. But they cross a line at some point. They aren't doing it out of pathology, they aren't doing it on accident as a trauma response or a bad learned behavior. They cross a line where abuse is just what they do. I would say it's out of hatred, but I think most of them are sociopaths, so it's really out of nothing, they don't see you as a person. The things they do are cruel and intentional. They trick you into loving them, manipulate your emotions to keep you under control.

An abuser is an evil demon, who you fear, who hits you, hurts you, and then tells you it's your fault. Meeting an abuser is the same as getting mugged in an alleyway. You're a random victim of a criminal. You weren't chosen for any reason other than your victimizable. An abuser degrades, they tell you the dinner you cooked is disgusting, your body is disgusting, your stupid and its all your fault. Verbal abuse, yelling at you for no reason, they may be yelling at you about something but they are doing it for no actual reason other than to abuse you. Emotional abuse. Your emotions are nothing but a tool for them. That's the abuse cycle. They make you feel absolutely horrible and at fault about everything, make you feel bad and disgusting, that's the abuse. They make you feel worthless and not redeemable, so you must stay with them, and of course threaten to kill you if you leave. Then the literal abuse ends. They make sure you know it's all your fault, and then you have a period of peace, usually beginning by showering you with good emotions and presents. You see the "other side" of them and can't help but love them and you're being flooded with positivity. There's no other side of them, there's just an on/off switch to the literal abuse part, and trickery and manipulation. You're either scared to leave them, or in love with them during manipulated positivity, one or the other. You're never just their girlfriend. And then one day you escape. Abusers may come back for you and try to trick you back, but 99% of them disappear forever and find a new victim within 6 months, that's an fbi statistic. Abusers don't feel remorse. Maybe they can change, but personally I don't think they can. That line can't be uncrossed. The abuser, in their mind, is fully justified in their behavior. They think they did the right thing. There's no struggle, it's not a hard relationship that didn't work out, it was a stage play where they are the lead role and you're a side character that deserved what they got and you're the one that abandoned them.

What I did was bad. I was a real piece of shit. I hurt you a lot and made you cry. You hit me with some pretty bad shit. I didn't do that though. I almost kinda think what I did was worse, which is what this rant is leading up to. If I could just say to myself yeah my behavior was abuse, I coulda ended this whole thing right there. I tried pretty hard to do that. If I was able to come to that conclusion, I would have nothing to say to you. I wouldn't have you on my mind anymore either. This story would've wrapped up cleanly 8 months ago with a nice bow on top. I would've known exactly what to do for myself as well. Paradoxically, and only because it's not true, my heart would've put an end to this story. Abusers don't have good hearts, that's why it's a paradox, and abuser would just carry on as normal. But if I landed on that the solution would've been simple. Either I would have stopped working on myself, no longer any motivation either because of you, or to have a woman in my future. I would never let it happen again. Or, I would have just killed myself, like all abusers should have. Now, I did damn near accept you as my abuser, like I said it lines up very well. I looked at my own behavior and was like nah, doesn't line up. Bad, should feel bad, maybe should kill myself anyway, but doesn't line up. Yours lined up, but I looked deeper, I know what happened now, photo finish on that one, glad I kept going, turned out good.

I was manipulative, as I've already confessed. You're stubborn and feral. My manipulation was good hearted, my manipulation was me trying to train you to live better and act better. And then, life got worse, and my illness got worse, and my manipulation did become very mean, the good intentions remained, but so did Ghengis Kahns good intentions. My teaching truly did become manipulation and pressure and anger. I also manipulated you to try to prove my PTSD fears untrue.

I yelled at you. I yelled really loud and angrily at you. What was I yelling about though? One of two things, either literally our exact relationship problems and the solutions to them, a good talk we needed to have, except I was fucking yelling because I was insane, and you weren't listening because I was yelling. Or, I yelled about all the fucked up shit in my head, an overflow of all the shit I was repressing.

It's embarrassing to say, but yeah we had those toxic dramatic moments that both toxic and abusive couples had, but they were fucking temper tantrums like a 5 year old. Now, that doesn't really describe well the content of what was in my head, or what was going on in our lives, but those peak moments of drama were essentially a really gigantic toddler fucking losing his shit in a really skilled fashion.

I never insulted you, degraded you, I never talked about your body, your mind, I never insinuated that your some piece of shit is the reason we are having the issue. I know some of my behavior may have scared or disturbed you, and undoubtedly it damaged you and hurt your heart, but you were never scared of me. You know what you did during these fights? Well a lot of times you fought back. In fact, a lot of these memories weren't just me having and episode, they were you having an episode, or us having a fight, or 2 really weird crazy people in a little house freaking the fuck out. Sometimes, you just sat there and cried, or defended yourself. Sometimes, you fucking hit me, through shit at me or around the house.

I did blame you for things. I blamed you for things you did, and blame is not how a relationship works, accountability is, and yelling is not how it works, talking is. But I blamed and yelled. I blamed you for things you did not do. I blamed you for things that were legitimate miscommunication or confusion, except instead of talking about it, and figuring it out, I was a piece of shit to you about it. I also blamed you for things that were 100% true in my mind, because my mind was broken. I blamed you for doing things that kammy did to me, because while maybe she didn't exactly purposely abuse me, she left such a litany of fucked up shit behind in my mind that there's no other word for it.

Abusers escalate. Our life did get worse. It wasn't an escalation of abuse. It was a progression of my mental illness, our life getting worse, and all the things stacking up and compounding. I ran. As it got worse, I started fucking running away. The episodes and delusions got worse, so when they happened, I started fucking running away half way through. I definitely was getting louder, and getting really prone to smashing shit, it was getting way way worse, so I did that shit, but something in me was like OH FUCK so I started running away. I remember one instance where the second I snapped I just fucking ran. You shoved me and yelled at me but I just felt that fucked up feeling and ran. I can remember also feeling fucked up and just putting my shoes on and leaving a bunch of times.

There was that one time, that time I burned myself with cigarettes. That's a different fucked up different thing for a different chapter.

An abuser traps you. They either manipulate you into staying, or threaten you to leave. I broke up with you every time I had an episode. After the episode I tried to get you to leave. I threatened you once, during the mentioned cigarette incident. I said every fucked up thing I could just to get you out of the house. The night the neighbor called the cops on us, I locked you out. I think that was my worst mental breakdown. I was trying to get you to leave. I was trying to end this. I didn't truly think it was your fault, I either thought it was my fault or some kind of mental problem. I just wanted it to end. I tried to get you to go home for a few months, or break up with you, or kick you out, or run away. I put every effort I had left into trying to figure out my problem and make it stop. I kept trying for 2 fucking years after you left to fix it until I finally did. I broke up with you. You did not escape me. I broke up with you and you finally left and I rambled incoherent bullshit to you on discord and never once tried or asked for you to come back.

Maybe an abuser would use this strategy, write this whole ass thing to try to get you back. They would be lying first of all. That's what abusers do. The abuse happens, then they fake how sorry it is but also gaslight/blame you. There was no abusive cycle with us. There was no up and down circular abuse cycle. It just straight sucked. The next day I did say how sorry I was and how scared I was and that I was gonna try really hard to fix it. I never once said it was because of you. I never flooded you with good emotions or gifts. Nope. The next day we just had the same fucking problems. The next whole month we had the same fucked up life, with occasional good memories or moments of chillness. And then one of us had another breakdown, or fight. That was the cycle. Two crazy kids getting fucked over by poverty and losing their minds together.

So just deal with it. I didn't abuse you. You basically almost abused me. That's just not what was happened. Maybe it's pathological of me to focus so hard on what the truth is. But its not the truth. When I find the truth, I accept it. I'm not working my way around it. This is the most life changing experience that happened to me ever and when I'm done rebuilding myself it's gonna influence the course of my entire life, and that will NOT be based on a lie or a rationalization, and if these memories are gonna fuck with me they are gonna fuck with me correctly.

You have been abused before. It was easy to tell yourself that all that happened was you got abused again. It was definitely easy to explain this complicated ass shit to other people. If that's what you had to tell yourself to keep going, fine. But you were there. I don't write this to trick you, I write this to give myself closure, and I kinda think none of this even matters to you at all, but I write this to in fantasy land also give you closure.

Now that I said that, let me invalidate all of it. If you felt abused, then you were abused. If you want to tell me what I did was abuse, I will listen, and I will accept it. You were undoubtedly my victim, I was also your victim, I was also my own victim, and you were the victim of the consequences and expressions of what I was a victim of. If you felt abused, you were, and I'm the abuser. I would rather you didn't think that. I don't think it's true enough, but you own your own truth. I would rather you think that I'm a piece of shit that hurt you really bad, a failure, a loser, a hurtful mean asshole, someone that betrayed you and let you down and fucked you over. All those things are true, I don't believe I abused you. I never did this out of hate, I never crossed that line, and I tried to stop it and didn't want it to happen. I'm an absolute curmudgeon, asshole, violent, dickhead, shitty piece of shit, and I hurt the fuck out of you forever and ever. It can't be undone and what we call it doesn't matter.

I think what I did is worse. I think all the shit I listed before the abuse rant is really fucking bad. In some fucked up way it would almost be better if those actions were out of abuse. Then it was just abuse and not your fault, and I'm an abuser so just throw me in the trash and forget all the memories, they are just trauma. That's softer than the truth. The truth is I was just a guy you loved that was an incredibly hurtful jerk asshole. Just by being himself. And you know what, a lot of it wasn't our faults. It was situational or an accident. That's fuckin horrible. That's like dropping a baby on its head.

Nah, I think it's still worse. With what I know now, now that I'm no longer insane, now that I know who you are and know who I am, I think what I know now is worse. We have both been brats and assholes our whole lives, and we both have had people abuse us our whole lives. Nah. This is worse.

It's that shit at the beginning. When we met. You were stuck out in that town, you felt like your family was abusing you, the one friend you had her boyfriend tried to rape you and she was manipulating you. Then this guy shows up and he has all the same interests as you. You were sitting around bored and sad and lonely and rotting away. He came and swooped you up. But then, you were nuts. But it didn't scare him off. Nah. You told him your secrets and things about yourself you were scared to say and he was like oh cool that's no big deal. He promised you this big dream life. Yall were gonna be a team and treat each other right. He was so interesting and you were telling people how cool he was and showing them this cool book he gave you. He got you a house and you started going crazy in there and he was always there to calm you down and help you work through it. You started feeling better and better, losing weight, skin glowing up, free from all the boredom and abuse you had at home. Things were tough and weren't always great but slowly we we learning things and putting our life together, making little improvements to our house, setting up little things we wanted, he planted you a garden, got you a guinea pig.

Then slowly, day by day, he betrayed you. You watched this guy that you thought was so amazing just slowly lose his mind, slowly the house got nastier and his attitude got nastier. Less and less he acted like that guy you met. More and more he blamed you. Life got less fun and more sad, you missed your home, you never got anything fun to. He got worse and worse, more loud, directed more at you. He wasn't even the guy you remember. The dream was dying. He used to be the guy that wasn't like the others and would never hurt you, no matter how hard you tried to test him or drive him crazy he always said look I love you get over it ill always love you we will figure this out. But he was so far from that. Now he was the guy that would hurt you over something you didn't even do, something that was just in his head. You had struggles at first together, but you were able to learn and figure them out together, and it made us both proud when we fixed a problem. But now, it's the same problem, every day, but worse each time. He used to be the guy that would take you camping and stomp around naked chasing a possum in the woods, the guy that would take you driving and stop to save a turtle off a road. Now he just lays there like a log. He brought you to this cool town and took you to all different stores and new places to eat but now he just lays there and gets mad if you ask for anything. When yall met you didn't have any money for yourself but he always took you to get a pony or a calico critter and some eyelashes but now he won't even pay to get your nails done, once, ever. He used to hold you until you stopped crying but now he tells you to shut the fuck up. You used to do fun projects together but now he just blows money on fish crap and makes the house a mess.. He was your guy, your favorite person, the guy that always showed up to save you and always helped you and always was gentle and took his time and always took you on an adventure but now he just lays there like a log and yells at you and is always mad and always drunk.

I can't imagine what that betrayal felt like. Watching everything go sideways and backwards and watching the person you finally gave your heart and trust to just mash it up with a hammer.

Well I do because it happened to me too but that's not my point. You loved me and would do anything for me and I made you so happy and I ruined it all. You watched me lose my sanity and become an evil zombie right before your eyes. You just wanted it to stop and you wanted your boy back but you didn't know what to do and he blamed it all on you and it all got ruined. What a fucking nightmare.

And I think of this sweet special girl. I remember you being really hard to put up with, really hard to figure out, hard to find the key too. But I just always felt that weird synchronicity, I felt like God damn she is so weird and complicated but I actually understand her exactly and know exactly what to do. I'm the guy for her and I'm glad I found her because I know bad people would do a really bad job at dealing with her. I remember this naive girl, her emotions were big, so when she gave her trust she gave all of it, or she would do anything to not lose a friend. So I saw people take advantage of it, I saw her get hurt and manipulated and put in bad situations. She was pure and honest and the people around her weren't. That's why she keeps getting in trouble. So I knew she had my trust, and would follow me, and thought I was smart and knew better so she would listen to me, and she never wanted to lose me so she would do whatever it takes. So I took that trust, like a delicate crystal, and I said I'm gonna make sure I always take care of her, if she listens to me then I'm gonna tell her the right thing, and I'm always gonna be careful and true and gentle and do life right by her.

And now I'm gone. First, I fucked all that up, and now I'm gone. And I gotta sit here and worry that she will be with someone that will abuse her and she will stay because she loves them and forgives them for it. I gotta think about her manipulative friend and wander what kinda bad situation she will get in. I gotta hope that maybe she meets someone nice that will protect her but I just can't imagine what kind of strange creature she would have to meet that would really understand her problems, and really appreciate the good and best things about her.

And I remember this really cool girl I fell in love with. She would go hunt for bones in the forest, or go drive around at night, go to burger king stoned at 3am, go hang out the anime festival, and she had her bedroom how she liked it. And I took that from her, and suppressed it, and made her boring, and made her life boring. And I remember a girl that loved her family and being around them so much and I took her away from them and wasted her time. I remember a girl that had big dreams and big desires and lots of hobbies and I took those all away and said no to everything either because I couldn't afford it or I was sick and an asshole.

I remember a girl that loved me so much and tried to give me her everything and I just yelled at her and hurt her. A girl that would've gone with me anywhere and I never took her anywhere. A girl that would've truly accepted me for who I am but instead I hid it from her and let it turn into evil inside of me. A girl that was so beautiful and so amazing and probably just the coolest ever but I never told her that because I was scared. A girl I thought the whole world of and lived my life for except I never showed her that and now I'm just another one of her bad memories.

I look at who I am and who I'm becoming, and my real self. Someone you never met and someone I totally forgot about, yet somehow, pretty much the guy you loved. Somehow you knew who he was underneath all this shit. I'm starting to remember him and find little pieces of him. It disgusts me. I think this is the thing I feel worse about. Worse than all the other things, because those things wouldn't have happened if I was that guy. There's really no good way to explain this to you, but I know it's true. You can't even get it I think. It would sound like a lie. But yeah. You fell in love with one of of good parts of me, and didn't care about my problems or how I looked. Definitely I'll probably never look like your dream guy. But in my heart? I can't describe this guy but any other way than this. He's you. He's your imaginary friend. He is so much like the real you, it's like it's two parts of the same soul. The real true me, that I hid away from the world, that all this bad shit happened to and twisted up. He is you. It matches your soul and everything I miss about you. He would've said yes to everything you ever asked him. He would've watched a Disney princess movie with you like he was your best friend and you were 7 years old on summer vacation. He would've laughed at everything you showed him. He would've made you so many bead bracelets your arm would fall off. It freaks me out. I've thought so long on who you really are, and who I really am, and this part of me that is so deep down that I didn't even know its there, and that deepest part. It's you man. It's fucking you. Its like someone you would dream up to be your best friend. And for me, I'm gonna explore that more and try to bring him out. But you'll never get to meet him. Its like Santa is real and left a Christmas present under the tree just for you and God tied a bow around it, and I snuck in the window and stole it and fucking threw it off a bridge and yelled at you instead.

Thank you by the way. Just wanna throw a thank you in there. Thought I knew myself so well and that I was gonna teach you how to fight life like me, and then kick it's ass together. Instead, life won, and you taught me so fucking much about myself it's ridiculous.

And then there's the worst thing of all.

I'm stupid and my problems were stupid. The situation we were stuck in didn't have an easy answer, but making it through it together was far from impossible. I doubted that you loved me and now that my eyes are clear I can look back now and see that you loved the fuck out of me. I thought you weren't trying and didn't care but I look back and see you trying your hardest and never giving up. I tested your love with my bullshit over and over again and you still stuck around and obviously loved me. You always picked me no matter what was happening. You never once talked about leaving me. I look back at the problems I had searched to solve for 20 years and they all had simple answers. Mostly. The journey was hard to get those answers but that was my own fucking fault. I basically could've stopped being a stupid bitch at any time and the answers would've shown themselves. I didn't understand what was going on in my head and all I had to do was tell you. I kept it all a big secret. I kept it a secret from then one person on earth that would've understood and then you would've understood what was happening and been able to help. I needed your help but refused to let you or ask you. I loved you more than anything but I refused to tell you because I thought you would use it against me. I thought you were so cool and I enjoyed everything about you so much but refused to tell you because your ego was too big.

Basically, this whole thing was complicated as fuck and hard as fuck to figure out but the solution was simple and right in front of me. It's my fault for making it hard and loud and complicated and it's my fault for being blind.

There was one simple solution and I don't even care that there was a million things that hid it from me and misled with me. I'm a dumbass.

All I had to do was trust you. Tell you the bad thoughts I felt. Told you the good things I thought about you and how much I loved you. And you woulda been like oh OK no problem. All I had to do was stop drinking and eat better and go to a few doctors. All I had to do was be truthful and honest for you. That's it. All I had to do was not choose anger. Even if you had a hard time understanding me, or believing me, or tried to drive me crazy, all I had to do was admit to myself, and admit to you, how much I really loved you. All I had to do was stop living in fear and try to protect myself and see that right in front of my eyes is exactly what I think it is but won't except, the girl of my dreams, the girl I want to be with. All I had to do was put you first l, and put us staying together first, and this would be a beautiful love story. The situation wouldn't have changed, but we would've made the best of it and been good to each other, and things eventually would've gotten better, and we would be all good now and still together.

But no. That's not what I did. I kept secrets. I chose anger every time I had the chance to. I denied my feelings. I denied you the truth. I denied you encouragement and kind words. I kept loving you a big secret because I thought you didn't love me back so I wasn't gonna love you openly. I hid my problems and secrets and good things and bad things from you. I let my fears be reality, I didn't let the truth be reality. I was scared about things, and decided they were real, and that you were doing them. And now I sit here without you, you're gone forever, I hurt and betrayed you, and I write long rambling books about you like a fucking freak, when we could literally just be happy and have a good time. I chose darkness and pain over love and happiness. I hurt you.

My victory in my personal journey is fucked. I resent it. For so long, long before I met you, I felt so wrong inside, my life was so wrong. I DONT take accountability for that like I take accountability for our problems. I take accountability for SOME of it. But, I was fucked, my life fucked me, my brain fucked me, my molesters fucked me, the bullies fucked me, my bosses fucked me, and I decided you were just another person here to fuck me. But I was right. There was something wrong with my body, and I fixed it. There was something wrong with my mind, my brain, my psychology, my lifestyle, my life, my perception. I spent 20 years trying to fix it, and I finally did. So now I know it's possible. I know if I chose to not be a dumbass mean ass stupid fucking bitch, I could've done everything we planned to do, that whole goal we set our for to have a better life and be better people. I fucking did it. A year after you left. Nah not while the love of my life and the best friend I ever had was literally 5 feet away from me. Nah Nah. That would make too much sense. No my stupid fuckint ass chose to be shitty and keep suffering and hurt the fuck out of her and myself and she left forever, THEN I fixed it. I always thought these weren't things that could change and fix and I fixed them, it only cost me everything, it only came at the consequence of hurting the fuck out of you and the losing you, it only came at the cost of abusing myself and letting my life go so bad that I went into extreme debt, destroyed my life, killed all my pets, ruined my future, and created a horrible irredeemable past. THEN I fixed it all. I walk into my nice clean cool little house smelling good looking good with money in my pocket, full of energy, ready to cook or play or go somewhere, just got home from my good ass consistent job that let's me do my own thing and pays a lot for it, just living in the freedom of having a brain that works and a mind that's not trying to make me kill myself and a body that doesn't feel like molasses. And I don't deserve it, and it cost too much, and I have blood on my hands, and I should've done it for you, and you should be sitting there with a big glowing smile happy to see me and say we can go to daiso and Williams chicken and I say yeah sure let's go! I am nothing, I have nothing, I am the worst person that has ever lived. I am Diogenes of Texas. I worked my whole life to fix my problems and I hurt everyone around me. I completed everything I sought to do for 20 years and I destroyed everything around me. I pushed every good thing out of my life and ruined ever good chance I had. I hurt the fuck out of people, I am a bad memory in everyone's head. That's why I'm Diogenes. I finally did what I set out to do and got it all, but truly I have nothing, I live in a barrel, I have a lantern to light my path at night, and a cat sometimes comes by to keep me company. I am a wretch, a villain, and victimizer, and an oathbreaker. It was all my fault and it was at the cost of the trauma of those around me. I don't deserve the things I have or achieved, and I deserve the hell that I've made for myself. We could've had a beautiful love story, a lifelong friendship, a big ass romantic redemption arc, and a cool ass life life lots of smiles and fun and a big garden and lots of cute pets and fun memories and adventures and cool stuff, but because of ME and ME ALONE and by no others fault but MINE, we had a painful, unfixable, disgusting stinky hurtful memory of failure and remorse. That is my sin.