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snappleapple · 4 years

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their favorite types of kisses

people in this - dream, georgenotfound, sapnap, wilbur, punz, jschlatt, awesamdude, quackity

headcanon!

the most disgusting fluff i’ve ever written

warning - cursing, i think that’s all but if there is more please do not hesitate to tell me :)

word count - 2k

a/n: okay okay, i might’ve lied earlier about that being my last post but this was short and easy to make which is why i would like to feed my readers this early haha. anyways, enjoy and please disregard the errors in this post, i hate proof reading anything lol. also, i’ve been very indecisive on the title and i might change it later and ooh, my masterlist will be made soon. i’ve just been feeling very unproductive these days. also, please put in requests, i am so bored and dumb therefore there are no ideas in this brain. and if you’d like a part 2, i might add more people for the part 2!anyways, peace!

dream -

i get the feeling that dream’s favorite type of kisses would be cheek kisses

he just likes to watch as you struggle to reach his height

“aw look at those little legs do their thing.”

ends up with you not giving him his kiss

and mans becomes SO pouty

“y/n…come on. don’t be this way.” :(

if you don’t kiss him on the cheek, will also become SO clingy and whiny

“why won’t you KISS ME!”

clenches his fists and stomps away like a teenage girl during puberty

slamming the door to your room

so then you have to go and give him all the kisses he wants

his face is slammed into your pillow

you sit on the side of the bed and pet his hair

leading him to stare up at you with puppy dog eyes

“i will give you all the kisses you want. so stop being so pouty, you big baby.”

will literally leave zero feet of space between you and him

taps his cheek to tell you he wants kisses

when you go on dates, will literally make you stand on your tippy toes to get his kisses

does not bend down at all and actually lifts his head higher to tease you

in other words, clingy but rude hoe

george -

george is a classic romantic

he loves just lip kisses

pecks or lingering ones

he doesn’t care

mans don’t need too many kisses

nor does he need to be too clingy

total opposite of dream and sapnap *ahem clingy ahem*

if he wants a kiss,

he will come over to you and get it

doesn’t get pouty if you’re busy

just waits patiently

doesn’t enjoy it when you interrupt him when he’s streaming so you do your own thing

when you’re watching a movie with him,

he will literally only stare at you with his cute smile

and listen to your every criticism of the movie

he likes to just peck your lips whenever he feels like it

and you’re just not surprised anymore

just likes to stare at your lips whenever you talk

overall, is very sweet but not to an extent with showing affection

sapnap -

omg

sapnap just vibes with neck kisses

it tickles his neck and he loves them

giggles when you pepper kisses along his neck and flushes a deep red

“y/n. stop.” giggles between each word

but when you do, becomes the saddest person in the whole world

“i was joking.” :(

when he’s streaming and he begins to miss you

would leave his room and find you just to get a kiss

just like dream, would get angry if you give him no kisses

“GIVE ME KISSIES!”

very amusing for you

and you love to tease him

“i don’t want to give you kissies.”

continues to stare at you with a large frown until you give in and give him kissies

lsg supremacy but i’ll get into this later hehe

you better give him kisses or you’ll be dealing with a very sad sapnap

sadnap :(

wilbur -

wilbur, wilbur, wilbur

what can i even say

total nose kiss guy

i bet he’ll boop your nose twenty four seven

asks stupid questions just to get your attention

“y/n?”

“yes wilbur?”

“is a hotdog a sandwich?”

“why-“

“boop.”

“did you just say boop while you booped my nose?”

if he’s streaming and you bring him a snack

he will hold your face still and leave kisses on your nose

not too clingy but not too distant

likes to be just right with you

if its snowy outside and your noses get red

makes dumb jokes about he is rudolph and you’re mrs. rudolph

just a lot of smooches from wilby

takes you to a lot of hidden cafes in the city

and while you read, he balances his head on his palm, staring at you in admiration

if you’re insecure about your nose, you legit can’t be around wilbur because he will go on a tangent about how beautiful it is

substantially, soft boy hours all day bro, besides when he gets mad then you leave the hormonal man tf alone

punz -

i don’t see a lot of punz on tumblr so here we go

punz loves hand kisses

not to an extent where he has a hand fetish

god no but just like

when your holding hands, he’ll occasionally pull your hand up to his lips and leave a kiss

lots of hand holding

and i mean lots

constantly gets mad fun of for being a simp but ignores those comments because he genuinely loves you so much

likes it when you play with his hair and messing it up

also likes to compare hand sizes with you

always has a hand on your thigh or your hand in his whenever he is driving somewhere with you

even when you go on dates, always holding hands

no matter how sweaty your hand gets, he will hold on

sometimes if he holds on for too long, you have to tell him to let go

“punz, my hand is super sweaty. lets take a break from the hand holding.”

would flat out decline so you would have to pry your hand out of his

he would also love it when you would kiss his hand

makes him feel all polite and precious LOL

would also wrap his pinky along yours when you walk together

he once came with you to a family gathering for christmas and was so SHY

shy boy held your hand for security while your younger siblings made fun of you

afterwards, when you were under a mistletoe, he kisses you on the lips before kissing you on his favorite part of your body,

your hand

c!jschlatt -

jschlatt is a whole mess

the first time you met, he confessed that he would hate you for as long as you lived because you made fun of his boots

now he says he still strongly dislikes you but you’re more tolerable

doesn’t like it when you make him soft and HATES it when he blushes

“why must you do this to me, mother nature?”

also “hates” it when you even touch him because he “hates” you

when he actually confessed to you that he liked you with his grumpy usual grandpa voice,

you kissed him on his forehead, after he bent down of course

he is an actual giant and threatens to squash you like an ant if he feels the need to

is an absolute monster to you but loves it when you kiss his forehead because it makes him feel secure and loved

likes to watch the wind blow through your hair and mess it up but gives you his hat because he like you being “all pretty and shit”

gets SUPER jealous when you hug children

like for example, when you went over to a family gathering at his house, his cousins came up to hug you

and when you let go of the child, the man child comes and lugs you over his shoulder

gets yelled at by his mom and gives her a sheepish smile before rolling his eyes and throwing you down on the sofa set next to him

his mom doesn’t approve of the way he treats you but you tell her its fine because he’s cute

when you are far from any type of civilization or in the safety and solitude of your own home, he wants kisses on the forehead

pointing up to it and bending down so you could reach it

“y/n, i only love you because of your forehead kisses.”

“you only love me for my kisses?” :(

“mhm.”

actually feels slightly bad

“and because of your personality.”

“thank you-“

“shut up. we don’t talk about this.”

in conclusion, give him his forehead kisses or perish

awesamdude -

sam just adores it when you give him jawline kisses

not because it’s basically the only place you could reach but because it’s a sweet gesture

sam is all about sweetness

i mean have you even seen this man on his stream

he likes to watch you while you have conversations with your friends

not in a creepy way but more like an adoring way

cause man does he love you

i mean not only does he love you but his whole family does

and when you’re alone with sam, you love to bury him underneath all of your love

“i love you sam!”

“no i love you more y/n!”

“NO i LOVE you more!”

“NO i LOVE you MORE!”

“SAM NO. I LOVE YOU MORE!”

“okay thank you sweet pea.”

leaving you a bit confused but happy that he accepts your love

when you cuddle, omg

he never stops peppering kisses all over your face and vice versa because your relationship is disgustingly fluffy

when he lends you one of his sweatshirts, you sure as hell better wear that shit out or else (i am leaving a blank threat here)

sam loves technology but you guys sort of have a system

a system that involves mailing each other love letters rather than texting them

you guys also go on a ton of walks just about anywhere

hand holding is mandatory even though you probably look like a child compared to him

just give sam lots of love and in return, you’ll receive lots of love

quackity -

mans cannot leave you tf alone

likes to do ANYTHING freaky around you

“i will follow you to the ends of the earth, mi amor.” or

“ayy, back off.” if anyone gets too close to you

messes with you twenty four seven and makes it his job to drive you insane

plays horror games at two in the morning for fun

and when he gets scared, hides in the safety of your arms

“mi amor. i’m scared.”

“shut the fuck up and sleep, alex.”

“okay.” shuts up quickly and snuggles deeper into the crook of your neck

loves you so deeply but HATES your cat

“look at that little dumb thing stare at me. you got a problem bro?”

your cat also HATES alex

scratches him all the time and hisses at him

if you think sapnap is babie, wait till you meet alex

“y/n he bit me!”

when you glance down, you don’t even see a scratch

“kiss my boo boo.”

wtf

“what boo boo? there’s nothing there.”

gasps as if you offended him

“this boo boo that your el demonio did to me.”

this man will do anything to get boo boo kisses

istg, you once found him provoking your cat to get some scratches

in alex’s mind, ouchies = kisses from y/n

always has ouchies from god knows where and shows it to you

even though you find it annoying at first, you grow used to it and it sorta becomes your thing with alex

alex is babie and you need to take good care of him :)

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forsworned · 3 years

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『 . . . you are the only exception . . . 』

+word count. 1.3k

+categories. f/m, gn/m, m/m

+relationships. sanemi shinazugawa x reader

+characters. sanemi shinazugawa

+summary. ITS YOUR BDAYYY SO ITS A BDAY FIC

+author’s note. FOR MY BESTIE CUZ ITS HER BDAY but ill keep it [name] for u hoes @hanakages

Sanemi wasn't too big on birthday's himself, but he made an exception for you. He knew that you would want to have something initimate and one on one rather than a big extravangant party so he kept it minimal. He even handmade the decorations himself from hanging origami cranes and hearts to a mini "happy birthday" banner. Of course, he couldn't forget the balloons.

Now he didn't want to go as far as baking a cake, so he had to do his best to avoid you while going into town and picking it up from the local bakery. He knew you were out celebrating with Shinobu and Mitsuri having all sorts of girly fun whatever that meant. The only problem? The restaurant that you were in was right next to the bakery and you guys loved your outdoor seating.

How lucky for him.

Now, if you know Sanemi or any of the other Hashira, you would know that they stand out like a sore thumb. Everyone in the community knows them and it was hard to avoid people. He hated to do it but he did his best to disguise himself as simple commoner. So that mean no haori, no slayer uniform and absolutely no sword. That last part killed him, but to make the love of his life happy was the only objective of the day and if he had to do this to get that cake, then by Kami he would do it.

His scars and hair were the things that stood out the most so unfortunately those had to be covered up with a straw hat and an old long sleeved outfit that he had to dig out of the depths of his closet. Fortunately, it covered just about everything and then off he went.

As Sanemi approached the bakery, he immediately noticed your beautiful beaming face from over a hundred feet away. He had to remind himself he was here for the cake not to awkwardly stare at you and bask in your beauty. When he began to look away he felt your eyes shift to him and he immediately walked into the shop as to not cause too much suspicion.

"Is something the matter [name]-kun?" Shinobu asked looking at your puzzled expression.

"Yeah...I just thought I saw Sanemi, but maybe not?" You looked over where the man who resembled Sanemi walked into.

Akasuki's Bakery, huh.

"You sure?" Mitsuri asked, coming into your view.

"No, maybe it's my imagination." You smiled at her changing the subject.

He had been acting rather weird this morning. It's not that he didn't say happy birthday. He did. It was just extremely underwhelming. And while you did say you didn't want gifts or anything to grand, he only gave you a measly generic Happy Birthday card. It was a tad disappointing to say the least.

Meanwhile, Sanemi was wiping away the stress sweat that came with getting there under zero suspicion. He already felt like you had known at this point but actually getting caught and confronted would've completely ruined his plan. He finally got to the front of the line and opened his mouth to speak, but the owner already greeted him.

"Oh, Sanemi-san! Here to pick up that cake?" He announced way too loudly.

As much as he wanted to feel embarrassed, he did not have much time for that. So he only nodded.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot it was a surprise." The owner said in a hushed tone. "I'll be right back."

Thankfully, no one was in there and the owner came back quickly with a cutely packaged cake. It was in a wooden box with a baby blue bow ontop. Very simple, yet elegant.

Sanemi simply nodded and handed him a wad of cash. More than what was needed and walked off. To say the owner was astounded was an understatement. He waved to him goodbye and quicky rushed home making sure the cake was intact and set everything up for your arrival.

As he was adding the finishing touches, he heard the front door unlock and slide open.

"I'm home!" He heard you call out, but he did not answer.

He heard your footsteps become closer and then finally you turned the switch on to see his glorious smile.

"Happy birthday!" He cheered holding up a small gift box. It was enveloped in gold and had a cute red ribbon around it.

"Oh." Was all you could say in response as you eyed at the decor in awe. Everything was obviously handmade but crafted with care. Suddenly he was standing in front of you and greeting you with a warm embrace and a kiss to your forehead.

"Sorry, for the shitty happy birthday greeting this morning. I wanted to make it seem as if I didn't care so that this would seem extra special." He smiled down at you.

Tears streamed down your eyes and his violet hues widened in shock. "Why are you crying?!"

"Because you're so good to me. I can't believe I would think that you wouldn't do something special. I'm sorry!" You bawled as you hugged him tightly.

Sanemi felt his face become warm. "O-oh."

You felt his hand gently rub your back and then you pulled away to gaze up at him. "Thank you, Nemi."

That just about did him in. Sanemi was a stuttering and flustered mess and failed to recompose himself which only made you laugh.

"Uhm, here." He lightly pressed the gift against your chest.

"Oh, right. I hope it's not another shitty birthday card." You teased and he only smiled a bit remembering how grumpy you looked this morning taking it from him.

You unwrapped the gift and you gasped at what it held. It was a beautiful teardrop garnet necklace with diamond accents on a gold chain.

"And if you turn it around." He said as he rotated the necklace over and there behind the garnet was your name engraved.

"Oh my goodness, Sanemi. This is..." You began to say but he only took the necklace from your hands and clasped it onto your neck.

"I dont' wanna hear it. I got it specially made for you and you're going to wear it."

Sanemi was an insistent man indeed. You grinned at him as you held the garnet between your fingers. "Thank you."

"Of course." He bent down to kiss you again and then led you to the table with all his handmade decor and of course the boxed cake.

"So, I wasn't imagining things." You pointed to the box with the Akasuki's logo pressed into the wooden box.

"You saw me?!"

"Sanemi, I literally bought you that straw hat. It has your name on the side." You burst out into a fit of giggles. The expression on his face was too good as he rushed to the other room to look at the straw hat and sure enough his name was in kanji on the side.

"I appreciate the effort though. Everything is amazing." You ran your fingers through his silver locks.

"Well, you haven't tried the cake yet." He took you by the hand and led you to the table again.

He unboxed the cake to reveal a gorgeous strawberry shortcake that was beautifully dressed in berries and in the center it read "happy birthday [name]!". You smiled as he carefully laid out the candles and lit them.

"Do you want me to sing happy birthday while you awkwardly sit there or do you wanna just make a wish and blow it out?" He asked looking over at you.

You laughed. "I think we can skip the happy birthday song this year."

"Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. The rest are planning a surprise party for you."

You opened your mouth in shock. "No way."

He smiled teasingly. "Yeah, so while you think that you're going to have it all good and happy birthday songless this year. You're dead wrong. Now make a wish."

You begrudgingly closed your eyes and made a wish and blew them out.

"What did you wish for?" He asked while you began to cut your cake.

"For you to propose to me." You retorted slyly.

That just about set his face into flames and you into another fit of giggles. You cupped his cheeks and kissed him gently. “I’m not going to wait forever, you know?”

He felt his face settle down slowly as he looked over at his nightstand and then back to you. “I know.”

#sanemi #sanemi x reader #sanemi shinazugawa x reader #sanemi shinazugawa #shinazugawa sanemi #kny #demon slayer #demon slayer reader inserts #kimetsu no yaiba #kimetsu no yaiba reader insert #demon slayer x y/n #demon slayer imagines #demon slayer x you #demon slayer x reader insert #kny x you #kny x y/n #kny x reader #anime #manga

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yandereoverlord · 2 years

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WATCHING NOSTALGIC MOVIES WITH THEM! MULTI FANDOM!!

Includes: Darry, Dally, Dabi, Kageyama , Sukuna, Gojo, Tengen +wives, and finally tanjirou mostly female reader (sorry)

THIS IS AFTER YOU GET STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! SO YES THIS INVOLVES KIDNAPPING

Ok as a sorry for not updating (and all around not being able to come up with any creative ideas for a part 2 of the Zenitsu and not wanting to continue with the light yagami one I’ve tried,) I’m creating this fluffy but still Yandere piece for your entertainment. Please enjoy, there is literally zero Yandere dally content so I’m creating my own.this might have light lime(honestly the most I will ever be Comfortable writing) but other than that implied kidnapping.FOR THE THE LOVE OF GOD I MOST OF THEM DON’T HAVE THESE MOVIES BUT THE NOSTALGIA IS THERE FOR ME!!!!I now nobody actually reads this so without further ado enjoy.

Darrel Curtis (Dally): The chronicles of Narnia- the lion the witch and the wardrobe

🍰he liked this one because it reminds him of family.

🍰In this particular scenario let’s say Ponyboy and Soda where also Yanderes for ya but more platonic. The definitely are watching this with you.

🍰so yeah this is actually just a cut couple thing and completely tame. Well unless you count the whole kidnapping thing. But to you (since Stockholm Syndrome kicked in like a bitch) the weirdest this is A) how Soda eats his eggs with grape jelly and B) how the Actual fuck these boys eat that much chocolate cake. Like you got a big appetite, but damn these guys could feed all of Tulsa with the amount of food the hoes eating.

🍰Now you’ve grown used to the smell of cigarette smoke and dirty laundry (Darry does his best but it’s still hard considering he has you, Soda and Pony + all of the gang to look after) it’s actually quite pleasant to just sit down, watch a great movie, and snuggle into Darry.

Dallas Winston(dally): Shark boy and Lava girl

🚬Ok to be fair he didn’t actually watch it with you. It was more of a he comes home to you watch the movie while he’s going,” Wtf is this?” 🚬while he thought the movie was absolutely stupid he still “watched” it with you. Aka him trying to get you to make out with him while your completely absorbed in the movie

🚬eventually he just gives up and falls asleep on you. At least he would have if you hadn’t started trying to breakdance like shark boy during the dream song.

🚬Never again is he ever letting you watch something again. Not after you got that fucking song stuck in his head

🚬He may love you Doll but he will literally slap the absolute shit outta you I’d you try to watch it again. You can fight me on this cause we both know man has zero respect for women.

“Doll, c’mon pay attention to me, I’m better looking than him anyway.”

“Wait this is the best part! And while I love you, nobody’s hotter than Mr Electic~”

“why do I love you again?”

Touya Todoroki (Dabi): Shrek

❤️‍🔥at first he thought you where making fun of him.

❤️‍🔥bonus points if you look like Fiona (like me)

❤️‍🔥Once again another bum who just wanted to have sex with you once you got home. But nope, you where watching the greatest (yet least romantic) movie of all time. ❤️‍🔥Now this could go multiple different ways based on which shrek movie you watch

❤️‍🔥If it’s A) puss in boots, forget it he is turning that shit off immediately. He didn’t kidnap you just to watch some garbage. If he wanted to watch trash go up in flames he’d watch clips on Endeavor. I’m sorry but if he’s going to watch a movie he is going to watch a good one.

❤️‍🔥The same result will occurs if it’s B) Shrek forever after. While it’s slightly better it’s still not nearly as perfect as the first 3

❤️‍🔥now Shrek 3 is a different story. While it is a stupid movie, it is literally his favorite one. Except for the end scene. That he thinks is just stupid. And it is. The amount of crude jokes in that movie is unreal. But never the less he still respects it and adores the girl power scene. Heads up toga is totally watching that part with you.

❤️‍🔥Ok let’s move on to answer 4) Shrek 2 he really doesn’t give a fuck. He will watch it with you but get extremely bored and try be a ass about it and get you to

Tobio Kageyama: Rio

🥛I don’t care if you disagree this is the movie you two watch. A awkward blueberry bird and a beautiful queen. Umm yes. Again, Bonus points if you look like Linda.

🥛At first he was comprehensive about watching things with you but after watching it? Cheese and sprinkles he was hooked.

🥛I’m not going to lie there are moments when your not even watching the movie and you will start singing the songs. You may be asking which ones? Well in my opinion: beautiful creatures, What is love, and hot wings are his top songs for the movies. (Not being mean, they my faves too)

🥛I feel like originally he thought the movie was stupid until the middle of the hot wings song where he officially was in love with that masterpiece .

🥛he really relates to blue.

🥛in the end where blue finally flies was the moment he cried. No disagreements allowed.

🥛but in all, while he doesn’t shut up about misakes in the movie, this is definitely his type of nostalgia.

Sukuna Ryomen: Barbie and the 12 dancing princesses 🫀his face the entire time was: 눈_눈 or (ಠ_ಠ)

🫀to be honest he hated it and only wanted to watch it because you went on a hunger strike for him to watch a movie with you. And he can’t have his beloved queen of curses dying on him, can he?

🫀His faverote characters where:

🫀1. Felix because that bitch funny af

🫀2. Brutas because again he’s the best antagonist a Barbie movie has ever had, and that’s saying something.

🫀his most embarrassing moment is when he was fighting and he accidentally referenced that movie. Just picture it.

“DON’T YOU MESS WITH ME CURSE! YOU MAY BE STONG BUT IM A FEROCIOUS WARRIOR WHO WILL NEVER YIELD TO SOMEONE SO EVIL!”

“yeah right, your about as ferocious as a FLEA!”

🫀you never let him live that down. So yeah no more movie nights for you

🫀all things considered he would actually watch it again with you. If, you bribed him well enough. Aka helping him out if you catch my drift. But yeah he doesn’t mind it that much, you could be watching worse.

Gojo Satoru: Barbie princess and the pop star

💙I have no words

🤍none at all except 5 things: He actually fucking loved this movie hell he was the one who suggested it.

💙he wants and expects you to sing along with him (him as Kiera and you as tori his little

🤍his faverote character is by far tori and her magic hair brush (it’s because she reminds him of you, his perfect little prince/princess

💙He totally mocks auntie A along with tori in the beginning of the movie

🤍he reallyyyyyyy wants to watch Barbie rock and royals next. And after that Barbie and the twelve dancing princesses (his favorite is lacy you can fight me on that shit)

💙Authors note: sorry there’s not much for this I literally had zero ideas for this but I really wanted to write him with this movie

Tengen Uzui (and wives): Emperors New Groove

✨ok he was the one to put this one on. He finds Kusco so flamboyant and hilarious it’s hard to think he wouldn’t.

✨And having it just be him and his 4 wives/ partners it’s easy to forget he kidnapped you. It’s actually very nice. Just laughing at how funny it is and just chilling

✨those tree limbs he calls arms are so comfy.

✨Although one may think it would me hard to cuddle all those people all together it’s actually fairly simple. Tengen is in the middle, his left hand (this is pre gyutaro )running his fingers through Makio’s hair, who’s head is currently in his lap, legs on Hinatsuru who is currently leaning her head on Tengen’s massive shoulder. On his left your cuddled up to his side, Suma snuggled into you ass with all her strength. And despite what she may think it’s a lot of strength.

Faverote characters:

✨Hina- She can’t help it. She thinks kronk is absolutely hilarious (rightfully so)

✨Suma- surprisingly she really likes Yzma. Nobody really knows why but she says that it’s because she’s funny and Suma feels bad for her

✨Makio- she really likes chicka because how even though she’s pregnant she’s still the baddest bitch in the movie.

✨Tengen: He obviously like Kusco. It’s a pure unrefined fact.

Tanjirou Kamado: Monsters inc

🥹we all know both he and nezuko cried during this

🥹although it’s very sad he still really loves this movie.

🥹regardless if she’s Yandere for you or not (she probably is just because of how much her brother loves you and she really wants you to be her older sister) Nezuko is watching the movie with you guys

🥹I predict the reason he loves it so much is because Boo reminds him of Nezuko so much.

🥹He would never try to put the moves on you while watching a movie. He’s a respectful and traditional man who would never attempt to do anything against your will (other than kidnapping you) or anything sexual until after your married

Honorable Mentions Aka ones I was to lazy/no idea how to write (see what i did there)

EREN YEAGER: the school of rock

KATSUKI BAKUGOU: lilo and stitch

YUJI ITADORI: DIARY OF S WIMPY KUD RODRICK RULES (not nostalgic but it’s playing in my head on a constant loop)

SHUN KAIDOU: Anastasia

METORI SAIKO: Hermie and friends: Haily and baylies silly fight (for All my dudes who know what’s up. That shits my entire childhood regardless of if I’m not a Christian now)

Ok I really hope you liked this it took me around a week to write. Im having all of my exams at the moment so im busy studying and have been running low on idea’s, so please send me yours so I can make them a reality for you. Although sines im still new to tumblr I’ll have to ask you to message me privately about requests! But anyway I love you all dearly~ sincerely

Gia\Joden~ 💗🤍💜🖤💙

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suga4mycoffee · 2 years

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Coconuts Mafia Unforgotten Night Hate Watch - Episode 5

Prepare yourself for more Coconutty hilarity, because it's that time again.

Unforgotten Night, which we all wish we could forget.

You know the drill, let's go!

So, we're off to a marvelous start, with The Bitch Cherry... walking into a house that isn't hers, and that belongs to a man who wants nothing to do with her in his personal life (and not just because he's gay), and... giving lip to someone who is actually fucking living there? You turn up, unwanted and uninvited, and start demanding answers from someone who is welcome, invited, and basically living there? You fucking rude bitch?

After Cherry shit-talks Weepy, and one of the bodyguards, she tries to fucking call Fuckboy CEO, as if he's gonna be like "Oh! Of course that guy isn't my lover, you should absolutely tell him to get the fuck out of my house, as if you have any right to do so. By the way, why don't you move in instead, my darling?"

Seriously, what did she think was gonna happen? Is the delulu that strong with this bitch?

Anyway, moving on.

We get treated to an absolutely yawn-inducing 'sex scene', with more shots of that awful tattoo, more terrible 'kisses', candles that light themselves out of nowhere, chains that Mafia Man bought from the hardware store one time, zero fucking chemistry, and distinctly no diving nose-first into the asscrack.

Disappointed, but not surprised.

More Terrible Tattoo, and unethical treatment of animals, as you do. Sadly, the tigers did not manage to eat or maul Weepy Sub, which is a shame. That would have at least been exciting.

Doughy attempts to be angry and intimidating, and fails utterly. Which is tragic, because I'm told that the actor is actually good, just not in a role like this.

Cherry continues to shame women everywhere by acting like a screaming toddler throwing a tantrum because someone else has the doll she wants to play with. I'm really starting to hate this bitch.

Weepy Sub actually does some work, for once, only to get interrupted by an attempted apology. He just wants to get the fuck on with his work, but Doughy decides to lie his head in his fucking lap. Which is not only rude when he's trying to get shit done, but was also really fucking awkward. I genuinely don't know what we're watching anymore.

They go shopping, because of course they do, and Kim decides to be a moron and not grab Minted Mafia Man's fucking card and run up a fat bill. Which... why not? He's offering, bleed him fucking dry! It'd serve him right, after the way he's been acting, damn.

Our Stereotypical Villain comes on the scene, and continues to be greasy and over-exaggerated. Predictable, honestly.

Then we discovered we're fucking 'old', apparently. Bunch of cheeky cunts.

Cherry comes through with the Sulky Psycho Bitch routine, again. At this point, I've got a fucking headache, because not only is she tedious and childish, but it's making me fucking angry that the writing is so fucking lazy that they can't even pretend to give her even droplet of actual depth, or any personality beyond "I WANT THIS MAN OR I'LL GET HYSTERICAL AND THROW A TANTRUM LIKE ALL WOMEN WOULD."

Fuck off with that bullshit, before I throw my entire bed out the window in pure, unfiltered rage.

We establish that Weepy Sub could probably break every bone in Doughy Fuckboy's body, if he only put in a little effort, and then... that's it for this week.

We're treated to more of Cherry's bullshit in the preview, and by now I'm about ready to nail the bottle of whiskey I have sitting on my shelf.

I would absolutely fight Cherry, and I'd fucking win. Make it happen, somebody. I will literally destroy this whiny little hoe, and have a fucking great time doing it.

We lament the (obvious) lack of workshopping, the lack of prep (poor Kim, RIP your asshole), and also the lack of budget.

We finish with concern about Mafia Man's diet, ponder mouth size and how it impacts your ability to... eat food properly, and with that we have once again reached the end of this week's saga.

Thank god.

I'm gonna need to watch Doughy's actor in something he's actually well suited for, because this show is giving me a very bad impression of his ability as an actor.

I'm... going to lie down. This show makes my head hurt, my dudes.

See you next week, for yet another episode.

The fun we Coconuts have watching it together is the highlight of my week, despite how awful the actual show is. I genuinely couldn't get through this show without you, my beloveds.

#give me strength #unforgotten night ep.5 #unforgotten night #hate watching #coconuts mafia

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incorrectquotesconaisseur · 3 years

Text

SO GUYSSSS I JUST FINISHED READING RULE OF WOLVES AND WHAT THE HELL???? I am a MESS

(so here are my thoughts that I had while reading it)

❗❗RULE OF WOLVES SPOILERS❗❗

• Lol Nikolai has a horse named Punchline, I love him so much

• Sankta Zoya Y E S

• Nina is sooo badass I love her - Brum needs to die btw

• Fjerda is a little shit

• "If not for Nina, their blessed termite eating at the heart of Fjerda’s government" - did I mention I love Nina?????

• Nikolai is a freaking mastermind and I love him

• OMG THEY HAVE AN ANTIDOTE FOR PAREM NOW???? HELL YEAH take THAT Fjerda!!!!

• Nina adopting Kaz's mindset when back at the Ice Court is what I live for

• UGH THE APPARAT

• Nikolai is soooo in love with Zoya I AM GOING CRAZY

• Zoya's "you forget that in Kerch greed is a virtue" gave me MAJOR Kaz vibes... I miss my crow babies

• Maybe it's an unpopular opinion, but I don't really like Ehri

• ZOYALAI NATION, HOW ARE WE??? ARE WE CRYING?

• I just REALLY love the found family trope and seeing everyone gathered in Zoya's rooms and Zoya curled up on the couch next to Genya I just AAAAAAAAA

• I absolutely adore the whole concept of the Darkling's prison and the CONSTANT sunlight he has to face HA - Alina vibes

• OMG "bring me Alina Starkov" WHAT THE FUCK I have literal chills ESPECIALLY after seeing the S&B trailer:)

• Nina being so confident in everything she learned from the Crows gives me so much serotonin I WANT MY BABIESSS

• Oh my god... I like prince Rasmus, he gives me major Nikolai vibes

• I draw immense satisfaction from Kaz and Zoya using "podge" as their preferred curse word :))))

• NIKOLAI CAN SEPARATE HIMSELF FROM HIS DEMON???? King behavior

• HOLY SHIT ALINA AGREED TO THE MEETING here we go again, fam

• I'm seeing Nikolai talking a lot about accepting his death and being undisturbed by the prospect of it and it feeaks me out - if he dies, I die with him

• Random, but: they need to get the thorn stuff from the Order of Sankt Feliks or whatever, right??? Maybe they have to steal it... and they would require expertise... MAYBE SOME CROWS PLS???????? (I am such a clown)

• Okay wait... so the letters that prove Nikolai is a bastard are in the druskelle sector... PLEASE TELL ME NINA HAS TO BREAK IN THE ICE COURT the fact that she is back there ALONE makes my heart clench so hard... I MISS MY CROWS

• FUCK ALINA SHOWED UP (also Oncat apparently and now I want to cry about Harshaw again)... AND MAL I can't take this I AM HYPERVENTILATING

• I AM LEGIT ON THE FLOOR Yuri is still there FINALLY understanding that the Darkling is evil AND NOW MY MAIN MAN GOT HIS POWERS BACK oh, I love the chaos

• NIKOLAI FUCKING CARRIES ZOYA'S RIBBON IN HIS POCKET nobody fucking touch me

• THE WEDDING IS FOR GENYA AND DAVID????? I AM SOOO CONFUSED what the heck

• Nikoali is the most fucking badass amazing cunning freakishly intelligent idiot I have ever seen in my entire life, my love for him is immesurable, I cannot put into words just how awesome his awesomeness is TAKE THAT MAKHI YOU BITCH

• OH HELL NO the demon is trying to escape SMACK THAT BITCH NIKOLAI BABY

• Oh wow, Rasmus is crazyyyy af he isn't anything like Nikolai my perfect boi SORRY

• OMG Nikolai's dad us a good guy??? I feel so sorry for him... SO NIKOLAI WAS RIGHT TO BE A ROMANTIC huh

• FUCKING HELL again with the nichevo’ya???? Darkling bby, what the HECK

• Nononononooo NO NOOOO NOT DAVID WHAT THE FUCK LEIGH

• "This is what love does" one of the most powerful quotes tbh

• Wait... they want to???? STEAL??? titanium from the Kerch??? .... DOES THIS MEAN.... C R O W S?????

• Okay but... the Darkling's POV? POWER MOVE I love it!!! And the fact that he uses Aleksander as his name with zero reticence now is just *chef's kiss*

• I'm sorry but... I don't like Mayu's chapters I AM SO SORRY I DON'T

• Nina is my badass queen STEP ASIDE PEASANTS

• All these SoC Easter Eggs and mentions are driving me insane

• Idk why but imagining the Darkling drinking beer is sooo funny to me

• I AM LOSING MY SHIT they are in Ketterdam KETTERDAM does that mean ....DOES THAT MEAN ....I better see my Crows or I am throwing hands

• The Zoyalai conversations in this book are KILLING me

• OH MY FUCKING GOD so Kaz took the Emerald Palace over and renamed it THE SILVER SIX???? LIKE???? I AM LEGIT CRYING???

• Ummm...Zoya, honey, WHY do you want to VOLUNTARILY stay away from Nikolai, HUH?????

• THE ONLY REASON HE AGREED TO HELP NIKOLAI WAS BECAUSE HE GUARANTEES INEJ'S PROTECTION if that's not L O V E idk what is YAAASSS KANEJ

• FUCKING SHIT JESPER!!!! IT'S JESPER!!!! WYLAN!!!! I AM FAINTING MY BABIESS

• The Crows' banter is WHAT I LIVE FOR

• Kaz is the most cold, badass and calculating motherfucker on the planet, I love him soooo much

• No NO NOO JORAN IS THE ONE WHO KILLED MATTHIAS????? HOLY SHIT I am sooo scared LEIGH WHYYYY

• Kaz's reaction to Nikolai's demon is legit the funniest shit ever

• Kaz and Nikolai are bffs - THIS IS HEADCANON LEAVE ME BE

• Queen Leyti has severely disappointed me

• I am having waayyyyy too much fun reading about the Darkling among blindly faithful monks - this is the stuff of sitcoms

• (I know the Crows only had a cameo and they won't pop up again, but I can't help desperation wanting to see Nina reunite with them and PLEASE GIVE ME INEJ!!!)

• Honestly, it's pretty cool getting to have a look in the Darkling's head - it's SUPER fucked up

• OOOOO the blight vs the Darkling = the only confrontation I want to see

• FATHER AND SON REUNION

• I don't care much for Hanne x Nina, but I have to admit that they make a very cute couple

• FUCK THEY BROKE STURMHOND'S BLOCADE FUUUUCK

• WAIT NO it was their plan all along HOLY SHIT electricity RULEZZZZ who knew physics would prove THIS useful???

• UUUGHH FUCK THE APPARAT I am so sick of this guy - Zoya was right, they should have killed him

• I am really pissed at the Darkling- YOU FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE HOW MUCH RAVKA NEEDS YOUR HELP, YOU SEE NIKOLAI'S BRAVERY, YOU KNOW YOU CAM HELP, AND YOU DO NOTHING??? BRO WHAT THE FUCK

• HELL YEAH ZOYA IS A DRAGOOON fuck some shit up sweety Y E S

• MY SKIN IS CLEARED AND MY CROPS ARE WATERED BY THE DARKLING RAISING A MOB TO CALL ZOYA "SANKTA"

• Also... the Darkling winking at Nikolai? FLERT

• WHAT THE FUCK???? HANNE DIED??? holy shit, why???? WHY CAN'T NINA BE HAPPY???????

• Nikolai is an absolute SAVAGE in a debate

• Idk what to think abt Rasmus... he was kinda badass for standing up against Brum

• SOLDIER. SUMMONER. SAINT. slap me and call me a hoe I SCREAMED WHEN I READ THAT

• ZOYA AS QUEEN, SIGN ME THE FUCK UP

• Okay I stan the Darkling again

• ZOYALAI IS CANON I REPEAT ZOYALAI IS CANONNNNN

• OKAY WOW HANNE IS A FULL-ON BADASS yep, I stan

• I really???? LOVE??? this ending for the Darkling??? Idk but it is VERY fitting

• ALINA!!!! AT ZOYA'S!!!! CORONATION!!!! my life is complete

• FUCKING SHIT INEJ!!! INEEEEEJJJJ my queen my love AAAAAA

• The conversation at the end between Alina, Zoya and Genya DESTROYED ME

• STEALING THE HEART OF SANKT FELIKS yes please BRING THE CROWS BACK!!!!! I NEED ANOTHER CROWS SEQUEL!!!!

• I fainted, I ascended, I DIED at the last page

• NOW I NEED A SEQUEL!!!

• Leigh, you ARE goig to write what happens next, right? RIGHT? RIGHT????

#rule of wolves #row #row spoilers #rule of wolves spoilers #leigh bardugo

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kevin-the-bruyne · 2 years

Note

what are the top 3 zeenunew moments that make you go feral? *chin hands*

Anon I ask you this seriously: don't you think it's homophobic to make me choose THREE moments - how??? I have shortened the criteria to just interviews/lives and not BTS/dates/DMD events for some peace of heart.

Zee asking New to be his boyfriend

(X)

God bless Zee but he isn't particularly bright asdkjsfhksjdfh - this is terrible horrible fan service (because it only fuels obsessive behavior instead of the awww squeeee reaction hotspot). Technically, Zee should be too experienced to say something like this but the man runs on vibes and aesthetics and this was apparently the vibe in the moment (it really wasn't lmao).

This doesn't even serve to further their relationship in RL because New can't say yes, them being in an actual relationship is bad for business. New's soul just left his body, he's totally gobsmacked, his eyes have become tiny slits, the embodiment of screaming, crying, throwing up. He would tackle Zee to the ground if it were not for the laws of the land.

This bit has achieved absolutely nothing other than to drive me mad and I just *SCREAM*

Nunew vs Zee's hoe shirt

(I dont know why my gifs are going right to left like manga but i can't change it - full video X)

It's the way my man doesn't miss a beat. He sees Zee's chest exposed he must cover it, he can react to filters, answers questions, button a shirt without looking at it - a man of many talents, true multitasker that New Chawarin.

But it's really how this struggle just keeps going throughout the live. Refer back to my previous comment that Zee isn't very bright - HE NOTICES THE BUTTONED SHIRT AND GOES OFF SCREEN TO UNBUTTON IT - oh the pains of being in love with a beautiful idiot

A wholeass FIVE MINUTES LATER New notices the opened shirt again and he's not even looking at the screen anymore, hands zero in on the lapels like muscle memory. This is how you know that this is Not The First Time New's had to shield Zee's dumbass virtue

(Again right to left - i s2g these are not the same gifs it just looks that way cause my man IS DETERMINED)

I WISH this was scripted because then that would mean that DMD has a comedy genius on their retainer. No my good sirs, I feel like this can only be conceived by someone who is very tired, sleep deprived, is on the third interview of the day, has to remember to appear cute, read questions, talk to people, give sensible answers and UP TO HERE with how everyone wants to fuck their boyfriend.

New unable to button the shirt this time folds the shirt closed instead. Zee - THE FOOL - dislodges it open and New tries to button it YET AGAIN, fails YET AGAIN and then just decides to keep holding it closed with his hands and proceeds to just...do that until someone POINTS IT OUT CAUSE ITS SUCH A WEIRD FUCKING THING TO DO.

And the next bit is just best seen and heard - like everything about this is just *chefs kiss*. Zee's 'what are you doing?' New doesn't bother to stop, doesn't bother to answer. The super soft and suspicious 'did you unbutton it?' Zee going totally off screen in response. New's 'meeeeeeh okaay' in the very unsubtle you're in so much trouble tone, Zee's NONSENSE justification. New telling him to just take it off with the most annoyed expression I've ever seen on him. A wholeass THIRD GUY coming in support of Zee's exposed chest. POETIC CINEMA. It haunts me in my sleep. My favorite part though? This was sometime late 21st April in Thailand so New was defending Zee's innocence the same time that I was defending my thesis. Very similar stakes I think. I feel very close to him in this moment.

Zee (and the DMD team) showing New the ropes in SosatSeoulSay in particular this one. I think Seoul interviews are particularly good at showing how all the boys are supporting each other. She's quite shippy and direct so she throws New off quite a bit and he's often stumped for answers even in the newer ones.

But oh this one from months ago really highlights how Zee did so much of the heavy lifting early on to sail their ship since New would be totally paralyzed from embarassment at times. I linked the whole bit including Pure thirdwheeling and being A Whole Mood ready to film them with her phone

But idk just Zee guiding New through the interview, helping him through the shippy bits. He strikes a good balance of reeling it in like closing his eyes to help New through the moment but also embarrassing him when the opportunity rises because New's entire charm is around his innocence and awkwardness.

Look at this giant himbo looking so proud at making New feel shy. This interview is number 1 because this really sealed the deal for me. I am a hoe for when actors are focused on each other's professional development. Seeing Zee constantly adapt to NuNew, to be a good partner to NuNew agh it really pushed me off the deep end.

#zeenunew #zee pruk #new chawarin #liankuea #cutie pie the series #nani answers

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 4 years

Note

Hi! I love everything that you write and heh I am a fan! 😄 tbh this is my first time requesting something on Tumblr! If you don't mind and if I am not being a bother...can you write about how the guys would react If MC suddenly starts making meme references? I don't know how I got the idea but I am REALLY curious. And love you! :D

Hiya! Tyvm for the kind words, and apologies that this took a while! I hope you have the chance to enjoy it regardless ❤️❤️❤️ Love you too, sweet pea! I promise to get to the next request you’ve sent ASAP~

Aight but this would be hilarious because the range of the reactions is just ungodly. I will be putting this under a cut after Napoleon so I don’t clog up everyone’s dash, but all the suitors are included below otherwise!

Comte is the one that recognizes a few, but didn’t really stay in modern times long enough to be as well-versed as a Gen Z kid might. Regardless he finds the wittiness and absolute chaotic fuckery to be delightful, and will 100% support the harmless nonsense. It never fails to get a laugh out of him

Mozart that first day be like: “Buzz off MC I hate you” MC, because she likes swinging bats at wasps’ nests: “Well that’s not very cash money of you” Mozart: ?????????? Comte, giggling in the bg like the secret fae he is This one’s just because I’m petty, but after the events of Comte rt I just imagine them encountering Vlad again and MC’s just “I lived bitch.” while Comte is flipping him off behind her lkjahgkjhdsg

Comte @ Leo when he finds the latter under his desk: Had it not been for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered you. MC: wheezing from the hallway as she’s about to give him his letters

MC: So how was your day, honey? Comte: Good, good--briefly had to go beastmode upon the punk that pilfered my lint roller MC, biting her lip to keep from laughing: So does Leo still have his kneecaps? Comte: for now.

Comte, @ literally anyone upsetting the MC: I won’t hesitate, bitch

Comte: Be careful with my emotional baggage, it’s designer

MC: What if I was evil and ran towards you at very fast speeds Comte: My arms are strong, I would catch and hug you

Leo and Dazai are the ones that don’t have a single reference point but are filled with so much dumbass chaos energy that they just. Understand immediately???? Nobody knows how or why, but they just catch on so fast--adapt the language in a matter of weeks. Never underestimate the power of combined boredom, depression, and humor

I swear to god I just see MC taking them their Blanc/Rouge and being like “here you go sir, one enslaved moisture” and they just go fucking hog wild from day one. MC starts impersonating Theo when he leaves the room around Dazai, like fake deep voice “you all only hate me because you do not like me and I am mean to you. grow up.” Or like the MC meets a baby on her travels with Leo around town and she holds them and says v seriously and sagely “So you are Baby? I have heard tales of your exploits.” and Leo about loses his shit right there. They both think MC is the funniest person alive--they’ve never been more eager to throw a ring at someone in their entire life.

Also a bonus for my beloved Dazai: MC, facing even the slightest inconvenience (like dropping her fork) in the most dramtic voice possible: Life is not daijoubu. Dazai: wheezing

MC, after watching Theo turn down a woman at the bar in the meanest way possible: bro quit letting the darkness consume you u r scaring the hoes Dazai, literally rolling around on the ground, half-drunk and dying:

MC, walking alongside Dazai and stopping to stare at her reflection in the River Seine. Dazai’s expecting some sad or twisted shit, since people often feel comfortable talking about those things around him, but instead she just: “Oh, it’s you. The source of all my problems.” And he about falls into the river from shock HAHAHA

At this point don’t be surprised if his next book is about an absolute madlad woman similar to MC

Napoleon finds it to be a delightful quirk more than anything? He doesn’t really understand it, but he finds it funny when they change their voice for effect or speak in exaggerated tones. If it’s just comprehensible enough for an outsider to understand--or Sebas gives him context--chances are it’ll send him into a laughing fit

For this one I just imagine MC singing that Ratatouille meme song obnoxiously bad while cooking, and Napoleon and Comte are just so wildly amused by it bc it makes zero sense and it’s only vaguely French at this point

MC @ Napoleon while they’re cooking brunch: Can I offer you a nice egg in these trying times?

MC, conflicted because she’s tired and wanted to sleep in but also got to see Napo’s cute sleeping face for a few hours: For my next stunt, I’ll wake up at 5AM on the day I can sleep in. Sebas: Early to bed and early to rise makes a person healthy, wealthy, and wise MC: early to bed and early to rise makes me a massive bitch Napoleon: laughing in agreement

Isaac is the type to be bewildered and concerned at first (especially when he hears the more nihilistic ones hoOOOoooOO BOY) but eventually begins to understand it’s some bizarre attempt at humor (that hurts Zack baby). While some part of him laments that it reminds him of Dazai and he’s secretly jealous of how she and Dazai bond over it, he will sometimes join in the chaos when the mood strikes him and he’s feeling mischievous

Isaac: How are you feeling? MC: Oh, I’m not Isaac: seconds from dialing 911 Isaac: Are you okay? MC: Oh yeah dw I just suffer from that syndrome where your neutral expression makes you look like you’re an angry serial killer Isaac: say sike rn

Isaac, tutoring MC and correcting something: MC, muttering while redoing it: The risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math. Isaac: unable to help a laugh

One time MC was avoiding Isaac for fear of hurting his feelings and he just confronts her like: Isaac: back by unpopular demand, me! What’s wrong, MC pls MC was so hecking proud of him

Isaac, telling MC about a recent discovery he learned at uni from another professor: bones typically heal stronger after they’ve been broken--so long as they’re set properly, of course MC, looking him dead in the eyes: So what you’re saying is that I should break every bone in my body until I become superhumanly powerful? Isaac: please do not, no

Mozart and Jeanne are just. Totally lost. Why are you talking like that??? Why are you making “crab hands”???? They don’t understand. Maybe never will. They reach a point where they just kind of laugh and shake their heads, endeared by the oddity after they’re used to it and have determined it isn’t a threat/insult.

MC: It’s a cold and it’s a brooooken, Waluigi. Waaaaluigiiiii...waaaahluigi..... Mozart: surprised, then starts snickering and playing along on the piano

Arthur, asking MC very personal questions out loud because he is an idiot sometimes: Soooo MC, are you a top or a bottom? MC: I’m a threat. (If he asks a second time, the response will be “Wouldn’t you like to know, weatherboy.”) Jeanne, fighting a smile:

MC, about to punch an asshole: Your free trial of being alive has ended Jeanne, seconds from laughing for the first time in 100 years:

Also, because I genuinely can’t help myself. You know that knight meme like “Parry this you fucking casual.” I cannot stress enough that it is literally the personification of Jeanne’s entire character. I’m not even joking.

Arthur and Shakespeare are utterly fascinated by the rapid evolution of wordplay and the sheer hilarity. They will ask all about these so-called “memes” and ask for examples of them if MC can show them (either somehow accessing her phone or drawing them). MC draws Arthur the knife cat meme and he about a s c e n d s at the hilarity of it all, points and yells THEO IS HOLDING THE KNIFE. He is correct. They will be delighted and follow along eagerly, and--god forbid--will make their own based on late 19th century struggles.

Is this where Shakespeare got the idea for “What, you egg? stabs him” and “You are a saucy boy.”? I’m too scared to ask. Don’t even get me started on “The Fool jingled miserably across the floor.” That one is just too on the nose...

I can’t even imagine what would happen to Shakespeare if MC like translated vines and memes into Ye Olde English around him. Imagine she’s at one of those noble balls and hears rumors of these two guys living together and they’re so obviously gay and he says “And those gents w’re roommates.” And in the most false surprised tone ever MC just replies “oh mine own god, those gents w’re roommates.” Imagine having a wife that’s just as hilarious as you are and hits you with all the force of a bag of wet mice every time you speak in retaliation, he’s going into palpitations.

Every time Arthur does smth stupid MC just: “I Pretend I Do Not See It.”

Vincent is tickled pink by MC’s penchant for finding joy and/or amusement in nearly everything they do, and he smiles gently when he sees them muttering and laughing to themselves. He wants to be able to join them in what they love, but he has a harder time following along and understanding the darker humor sometimes. Mostly gets confused??? Please give him the easier ones to mimic and laugh when he tries--or just include him in your jokes MC. He’s babie your honor...

But he also. Will not. Stand any kind of self-deprecation or borderline verbal self-harm. He’s usually very easygoing and calm, but for whatever reason that stuff makes him go deathly quiet and upset.

MC, after something goes horribly wrong, hugging Vincent: Oh Vince, we really in it now Vincent: giggling a little despite his worries, relaxing

MC: Theo stop simping for Vincent that’s my job

MC, when Theo leaves the room and she gets Vincent all to herself: The evil is defeated.

MC: And this is where I would put my will to live...if I h a d one! Vincent: ;-; MC: oh shit, oh fuck, I was only kidding Vincent wait (MC was subsequently lectured and loved on for many hours)

Theo is conflicted because on the one hand, he loves to see you smiling and having fun. On the other, you’re clowning as hard as Dazai and Arthur and he can only handle so many monkeys in his circus. Most of the time he will roll his eyes and be the straight man of this comedy, but you might find him cracking a smile--or accidentally letting a chuckle slip past his lips now and again.

MC, after meeting Theo: I’m a nice person, but I’m about to start throwing rocks at people.

Theo, those first days: Oh? You’re approaching me? Instead of running away, you’re coming right to me? MC: I can’t beat the shit out of you without getting closer.

Theo: Every time I ask MC to explain “vibe check” to me she hits me with some kind of improvised weapon

MC, after the “incident” (you know the one): This year, I lost my dear lover Theo Theo, in the distance: QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I’M DEAD! MC: ;-; sometimes I can still hear his voice...

Sebastian is last because oh boy. OH BOYYYYY I LOVE HIM. Okay so the way I see this happening with Sebastian is just. So wild. Because at first he’s t r y i n g so hard to be the proper butler man. He does not meme. But then he starts to drift closer to what Niles from The Nanny was, where he’ll quip and joke in private or when the situation is just beyond the amount of absurdity he can handle without making a snarky comment. Everyone in the house can’t fathom how Sebas and MC got so close so fast, but there are points where they’re just “Are they even speaking English anymore???” It’s 11 times funnier than normal because Sebas almost never smiles or laughs when memeing, the deadpan quality of his playing along sends MC every time

Has ABSOLUTELY said “HEY. PANINI HEAD. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME???” jokingly when MC made a mistake in the kitchen. They laugh about it for y e a r s

MC: I can’t date someone who keeps a lamb as a pet, that’s so weird Sebas, brushing Lotte in front of MC: MC: MC: Okay, I will make an exception because she looks very polite

MC and Sebas, fully aware of the fame some of the men will reach in modern times: We will watch your career with great interest. (I s2g that’s like half of Sebas’ rt right there I’m crying)

Sebas rt with Lotte be like that 500 dollar Mareep meme: “sometimes a family can be just a boy, his gf, and their 500 dollar two foot tall Lotte”

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ladyanaconda · 3 years

Text

Helluva Boss Vol 2: Loo Loo Land

Striker awoke with a start, panting heavily. His heart pounded so fast that he thought it would burst out of his chest at any moment now. The imp sighed as he ran a hand through his ash white hair.

He had that nightmare again. He didn't cry, as he had no more tears to shed and it wouldn't being her back but the wound was still raw. He'd tell himself that he did what she asked of him: to save their son. However, the guilt was still there.

Striker went to the kitchen for a glass of water. As he looked through the window, he noticed it was raining. There were no thunders tonight but still, he better go check on Jake just in case.

Something pulled on his pants. Speak of the devil! Striker looked down and found the infant next to his leg, his little hand grasping his pants. How Jake managed to crawl all the way down from his nursery was a mystery to Striker.

"What's up, kiddo?" Striker asked, not really expecting an answer. Jake reached out his hands, asking to be picked up. Sighing, he bent down to pick up his son. " Can't sleep either, huh? That makes two of us, my boy," he said gently as he walked up the stairs. "How about we keep each other company for a while? It'll be less lonely that way."

Striker sat on his bed and placed Jake on his lap. He entertained the little one with the rattling of his tail for a while until Jake lost interest and snuggled into his father's chest, yawning. Striker knew what the little one needed. Jake protested via whimpers as he was tucked back into his nearly started to wail if not for the familiar sound of a guitar's strings and his father's voice as the cradle was rocked from side to side.

Come stop your crying

It will be alright

Just take my hand

Hold it tight

I will protect you

From all around you

I will be here

Don't you cry

For one so small

You seem so strong

My arms will hold you

Keep you safe and warm

This bond between us

Can't be broken

I will be here don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forevermore

You'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be here in my heart

Always

Always…

Jake had long been lulled into sleep by the end of the song. Smiling, Striker kissed the little one's forehead.

"Good night."

*HB*

"M and M, J and S, get in here! We're going to Loo Loo Land!"

Striker frowned under his hat, annoyed at having his nap interrupted. "Isn't that the rip-off of Lucifer's far more popular LuLu World?" he inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"That's right, Strike! Stolas is paying us extra cash for making sure he and his daughter are still breathing by the end of the day."

Striker covered his face with his hat again. "Sorry, Blitz, my contract only includes assassination jobs."

"Look at it this way: you're going to 'assassinate' whoever tries to lay a hand on Stolas and his daughter."

The cowboy frowned. "Why us? Doesn't that blueblood have a whole legion of guards at his disposal?"

"Come on, dad! I want to go to Loo Loo Land!" Jake pleaded, taking his father's hat. "I've never been to a theme park!"

"Yeah, Strike, it'll be fun!" Millie wrapped an arm around the cowboy's shoulder. "You won't find a cheaper theme park in all of Hell, plus it's a good opportunity for you and Jake to spend some quality time together!"

Striker would have protested further, but Jake (and Blitzo) were giving him the 'puppy eyes' face. At last, he murmured. "Ugh. Fine."

They picked up the owl Goetias in I.M.P.'s van and went straight to the theme park in the Greed ring. As always, Striker and Jake rode Bombproof to avoid an overcrowding inside the vehicle, especially with two bluebloods inside.

Striker'd seen a few tv commercials about Loo Loo Land, but something he'd learned over the years is that no intentional rip-off of anything was worth wasting money on. He was soon proven right once they arrived at the place. Most of the attractions within Loo Loo Land were either broken, cracked, or disheveled-looking. And judging by the look on Octavia's face, she didn't like it here either. Jake, on the other hand…

"Cool! Look, dad, there's a carousel! Can we go? No, wait, I wanna try the roller coaster first! Whoa, is that a dragon? I must pet it!" the impling was running around the place, awing over the rides and booths with wide eyes.

"Blitz better add another zero to my next paycheck." Striker murmured under his breath.

"Woow! I haven't been to this place since I was a tot! It hasn't changed a bit- oh, LOOK!" Millie pulled Moxxie and Jake into a hug and gestured to an old dinosaur-like animatronic. "It's Big Woobly!"

"That is… deeply upsetting," Moxxie whispered.

"Oh, come on! It's fun! You've never been here?"

"No, theme parks always disturbed me. Especially the mascots."

"I agree with Moxxie." Millie, Jake, and Moxxie himself gave Striker a baffled look. "As incredible as it sounds."

"Well, hey there!" Striker was caught off guard as Moxxie suddenly jumped into his arms with a frightened yelp as a guy in an old cartoonish apple costume appeared out of nowhere. The only reason he didn't drop Moxxie was that he too was disturbed by the awful, smelly costume. "I'm Loo Loo! Welcome to Loo Loo Land! If ya'll get hurt, just try and sue us!"

Striker quickly wrapped his tail around Jake's waist and lifted him up before he could get too close to 'Loo Loo'.

"Hey, dad, let go!" the impling protested.

"Stay away from that predator, kiddo." Striker finally dropped Moxxie to the ground.

"I have a question."

"Well, ask away, little girlie!" the mascot made a poor attempt at goofy laughter.

Octavia sneered. "Is it true this park is just a really shameless spin-off or Lucifer's far more popular Lu Lu World? This place reeks of insecure corporate shame."

Striker held tightly unto Jake until they left the creepy mascot behind. Being new to this place, he decided to follow Millie and Moxxie around for a while.

"You really love this place, huh?" Moxxie asked casually.

Millie nodded eagerly. "I love this place! My parents would bring me and my siblings here when they could swing it. Money-wise."

"Dad, look!" Jake ran towards a gift shop and pressed his face against the window, eyeing a plush dragon like the one on the Petting Zoo. "Can I have one?"

Striker only had to look at the price, 400 souls, to reply. "Absolutely not."

"Whyy?"

"400 souls for a doll you'll end up throwing away? Don't you wanna throw away all of my salary, since you're on it?"

Jake pouted, arms crossed. "Meanie."

"He does have a point. I mean, that much for a novelty cup you use one time?" Moxxie added, pointing at said cup worth 29 souls.

"Cause it's Loo Loo Land!" Millie chirped.

"Listen to your hoe, Mox." Blitzo seemingly had no trouble with loading up on the theme park's merch. "Hey, Strike, how 'bout you and I take the first watch while M and M have a little fun with Jakey?"

"Can I, dad? Please, please, please!"

Striker sighed. "Fine. Just stay close to Millie and Moxxie and listen to whatever they tell-"

"Um, Striker, I have to interrupt your fatherly monologue, but they already left." Blitzo was right. Millie, Moxie, and Jake were gone already.

Striker merely sighed and loaded his rifle.

*HB*

Jake still couldn't understand why his father had never brought him to Loo Loo Land before. This place was incredible! The rides, the junk food, kicking the guy in the Loo Loo costume; for some reason, he couldn't resist the urge every time he saw the apple costume. And of course, Moxie simply had to ruin everything. His wimpy stomach couldn't handle The Lawsuit ride and he ended up vomiting unto the people in the front car, Jake included. They had to get him new clothes in the nearest gift shop.

"You're so lucky my dad wasn't here or he would have fed you to that," Jake pointed at the dragon peeking over the Petting zoo fence.

"Okay, guys, how about we take a look around the smaller rides?" Millie suggested.

"You mean the kids area? That's where the Petting Zoo is! Can we go there to see the dragon?"

"I don't care as long as I don't have to get on top of it," Moxxie murmured, his hand still clutching his stomach. Jake squealed happily.

There were lots of animals at the Petting Zoo. Jake recognized some from Wrath, most notably some Hellhorses with green fire to reflect Greed. He had seen how Bombproof's fire color change from orange to red each time they entered Pride, and it had changed to a minty green when they entered Greed. There were other animals he had only seen in books too, but his attention was entirely focused on the giant red, black and white wyvern. Known as Hellvern, it is native to Greed and is often used as a 'guardian dog' of sorts by Overlords.

Jake felt a shiver down his spine as the giant dragon stared down at him curiously. Taking a deep breath, he stroked the animal's snout. Once he realized his hand was attached to his body, Jake began to laugh and jump.

"I touched the dragon, I touched the dragon!" he cried out happily. "Just wait until I tell dad!"

"Oh, I bet he'll be very proud of you!" Millie smirked, ruffling the impling's hair. "

Afterward, they took a break from the rides and wandered around the snack and game booths. Jake and Millie ate big cones of ice cream bugs and fried butter sticks. Moxxie chose not to consume any 'junk food of questionable origin'.

"This place is amazing! Man, I wish I'd come here sooner!" Jake said happily as he looked around the game booths.

"So Striker has never brought here? He would have loved the rides for sure!" Millie pointed out.

"Nah, dad's never been too fond of machines. He'd rather do things the old-fashioned way."

Moxxie scoffed. "Yeah, why would he come to work on a horse otherwise?"

"Well, at least we don't waste time on looking for a parking spot."

"Touché, kid."

"Hey, now that we're on it, I don't think we've ever met your mom."

Jake stopped in his tracks. His… mom? It's the first time someone's brought that up. Dad has never talked about her and there are no photos of her in the house. But surely he had one, right? Everyone has one.

"Hello, hello! Step right up and win a thing!"

Millie's excited cry distracted Jake from his thoughts. "Oh, look, Moxxie! A thing!" The 'thing' in question was a purple stuffed penguin-like creature with imp horns and pink overalls.

"Oh, you like that thing?"

"Yesss! I don't really know what that thing is but I want that thing!"

Moxxie smirked. "Finally, something I can handle." he placed a soul bill on the counter. "Okay! One game, please!"

Unsurprisingly, the cork but the target. To Jake's surprise, however, the target barely moved. Moxxie didn't seem to mind since he had hit the bullseye.

"Strike one, little man!"

Moxie's smugness faded instantly. "But I hit it!"

"Hmm, I don't know what to tell ya, buddy. The target, see?" the vendor pointed at said target "It didn't go down, so yeah, no go, bro."

Growling, Moxie placed another bill on the counter and fired another cork at the bullseye, but again it didn't move. Annoyed, Moxxie slapped the pistol. "The Heaven's wrong with this thing?!"

"Oh. Man, a real shame, I tell ya." the carnie made crying gestures in a mocking manner, prompting Moxxie to slam yet another bill on the counter.

*HB*

As incredible as it may sound, Striker envied his son. Jake was probably having a great time at the admittedly cool-looking rides while he is stuck babysitting a blueblood. He couldn't say he was completely bored, though. Turns out the pervert was right when he said there'd be lots of people going after him. Striker even ended up making a bet with Blitzo over who could shoot more people by the end of the day. Up to now, Striker was winning.

The cowboy casually spotted Octavia, who by then looked like she'd snap at any second now. He couldn't blame her, the show's musical number was rather bizarre.

"How come that pervert hasn't noticed his daughter is not enjoying himself at all?" he asked Blitzo casually.

"Not our business, Strike. We're their bodyguards, not their family therapists. Speaking of which," Blitzo shot an assassin in the back before he could stab Stolas. Blitzo smirked. "That makes it four on my count, Striker."

"Let's save that for later, Blitz. Looks like the mare's finally kicked." Striker motioned to Octavia as she fled the tent, Stolas following closely behind.

"You should find Jakey. It's Millie and Moxxie's watch, anyway, they can go keep an eye on Stolas."

Striker nodded gratefully and left the circus tent. Surprisingly, it didn't take him too long to find Jake, Moxxie, and Millie. They were at a shooting game booth. Judging by the enraged look in Moxxie's face and the 600 souls in the vendor's hands, the wimp just got scammed.

"Hey, dad! You won't believe what I did, I petted a dragon!"

Striker chuckled and petted the boy's head. "I'm glad you had a great time, kiddo."

"Hey, you, cowboy! You look like ye might be better at shooting this sad little fella."

Striker frowned. He knew from experience that these booths were rigged to scam customers out of their money at the vendor's leisure. He had a better idea. Smirking, Striker pulled out his pistol and handed it to Jake.

"Show them what you got, kiddo."

The impling's face lit up. He pointed the barrel of the weapon at the carnie to give him a fright before shooting all of the targets with flawless precision in quick succession. The bullets went right through the targets, leaving big holes. The carne was reduced to a trembling, frightened mess.

"H-Hey, take it easy, p-pal…" he stuttered nervously as Jake pointed the gun at him again.

"That's my boy!" Striker laughed, patting Jake's shoulder.

"Now I think," Moxxie sneered as he leaned unto the counter. "That you owe us a thing."

Something crashed through the roof of the shooting gallery and on top of the carnie. The group leaned in to take a look.

"Sir?" Moxxie asked.

Striker sighed once he turned around and found the theme park literally on fire. "Really, Blitz? I leave you alone for a second and you screw the damn place up?"

"Oh, hey guys!" Blitzo seemingly didn't hear him as he drew his pistol. "You should probably go, uh, make sure Stolas is okay. I got some… unfinished business to take care of."

The group dispersed, with Millie quickly grabbing her plush thing. Strike quickly picked Jake up and moved out of the way as Blitzo fired at the burning robot; the thing caught the bullet in its mouth and curled up to roll towards Blitzo in a fiery charge. Blitzo jumped out of the way just as the robot hit the booth and it exploded in an inferno of green flames.

"Um, Dad, should we lend Blitzo a hand?"

"I suppose so lest he ends up blowing the whole place up with us inside."

Jake smirked as he spotted the dragon from before on the loose. "I got an idea!"

Striker knew what the boy was thinking. He wasn't sure if it was such a good idea, though; he's dealt with wild hogs, hellhorses, and many fauna, but never a fully-grown Hellvern. Then again, he's always liked challenges. He had Jake climbed onto his back and cling to his neck.

"Hang on tight, my boy, this will be one hell of a ride!"

Grabbing a discarded rope and tying it into a lasso, Striker expertly threw it over the dragon's neck and pulled, tightening around its neck. When the animal reared back and spread its wings, Striker took advantage of the momentum to pull himself onto the Hellvern's back.

"Easy, there! I'm your new master now!" the cowboy shouted over the Hellvern's angry shrieks, pulling the ropes tightly in the manner of reins. It wasn't that hard, as the Hellvern had already been tamed. Otherwise, it was like riding a giant version of Bombproof.

"Woohoo! Can we keep the Hellvern, dad?!"

"I already got enough with a Hellhorse, kiddo!"

Striker led the animal through the green inferno, eyeing the crazy robot going after Blitzo. Millie and Moxxie were shooting it, but it was far too fast for bullets. Striker couldn't contain an excited 'yeehaw' cry as he whipped the Hellvern forward and it snatched Robo Fizz right before it could run Blitzo over; the animal threw Robo Fizz into the air before eating it whole.

"Got a new mount, Striker?! Can I keep Bombproof?!"

"In your dreams, Blitz!"

They barely made it out of Loo Loo Land before it was consumed by flames, then made a run for it before anyone could identify them as the people who destroyed the place. Mammon would look for heads to roll before the day's end, after all.

*HB*

"Best… Day… Ever…" Jake laughed in-between exhausted pants as they got home that night.

Striker fell on top of the couch, groaning in exhaustion. "We're taking the rest of the week off, kiddo. If Blitz calls, tell him Bombproof has a cold or something like that, but I'm not moving from this couch."

Jake joined his father and snuggled against him. "Thanks for taking me to Loo Loo Land, daddy."

"I'd say 'anytime' if the park hadn't been reduced to ashes." Striker chuckled, eyes closed as he wrapped an arm around his son.

As Jake snuggled into his father's arm, he thought about what Millie had said back at Loo Loo Land about.. "Hey, dad?"

"Mmm?"

"Can I ask you something? "

"What?"

"Well…" Jake took a deep breath. "Do I have a mom? I mean, Millie has one, Moxie too, Blitzo… Even Stolas's daughter has a mom. I've never seen any pictures and you've never told me about her…"

Jake trailed off as he heard snoring. Dad had already fallen asleep. He must be really exhausted, Jake thought. I can ask him some other time. I'll let him rest for now.

…

Striker didn't open his eyes until he was certain that Jake had fallen asleep; then he carefully cradled his son in his arms and carried him upstairs all the way to his room. He carefully tucked Jake in as quietly as possible; Jake shifted a bit, but otherwise didn't look like he'd wake up anytime soon. Striker smiled as he stroked his son's hair.

It's not that he didn't want Jake to know about his mother. He wanted to tell his son about the wild-spirited, strong-willed woman that stole his heart. He really did. But he just couldn't find the words to explain what had happened to her. Just even remembering her was like adding lemon and salt to an open wound. Striker would tell Jake about his mother eventually, just not now.

The cowboy carefully placed the stuffed dragon he had grabbed from the shooting gallery in Jake's grasp, carefully leaning in to kiss the boy's head.

"Good night."

*HB*

Well, seems there's been a hint about Jake's mother. What do you think happened to her? I might go into details later on.

35 notes · View notes

obeymeplz · 4 years

Text

one of those days ll mammon x gn reader

LISTEN guys... I’ve peeled through every single fanfic and one shot of my boy boy that I can find.

I’m done, finished, kaput. And I need content. So I decided to make my own.

2k words, ft. Belphie my salty homie

Warnings: mean(ish) mammon (because I’m a hoe for angst, highly implicative of smut...?, cussing...?

Enjoy ig ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ sorry if I suck LOL

It was one of those days, and it all began when you dropped your plate of pickled pancakes (it’s an acquired Devildom taste) all over your crisp, white shoes. Beel involuntarily frowned at the waste of food, while the other demon boys snickered at your inherent clumsiness, Lucifer merely rolling his eyes before excusing himself from the table. But someone was missing that morning.

From that moment on, you knew nothing would be going your way.

Your bad luck followed you to second period, where you received a colossal “F” on your scrying test, and then to lunch where Satan and Asmo had to pull you out of a fight with a succubus who had thought it her business to label you a “suck up whore”. This was a name you were used to; from the moment you arrived, every demon and unthinkable hoard in the Devildom believed you to be sleeping with every brother in the House of Lamentation, playing through all of them with zero consequences. Despite the utter falsity of these accusations, they hurt no less every time you had to hear them.

And to top today’s cake with a juicy red cherry, the one single person who could make all your worries melt away with just a smile had been nowhere in your sights all day. Mammon was indeed the sunshine you needed on this dreary afternoon, with his dumb tinted glasses and cocky remarks, yet endearing eyes and wondrous grin.

Staring out the window of an empty chem room, waiting for someone to be available to walk you home, you realized that it was an odd day - such a new world you’d been thrown into, yet so quickly you had familiarized yourself with your new “normal”; and now that normal wasn’t there. There were certain things you knew, day in and day out.

The sun will (sort of) rise.

The sun will (kind of) set.

You live in Hell.

Mammon will always be there.

These things you counted on to be true, because if they weren’t, you weren’t entirely certain how you’d keep your sanity intact.

“For a human who’s supposed to be completely inferior to our kind, you sure do seem to think a lot”.

Belphie.

“Gee, Belphie, you know, “you sure do” have a way with words. Thank you! I just feel so much better”, you scoffed a retort as you swung your legs over the ledge of the window to face the cow-haired boy, clearly having just woken from sleeping through 7th period. He only smirked at you.

“I heard you need a warm body to walk next to, and I figured I could use the company. Home?”

You smiled smally as he helped you to your feet. “Yeah, home sounds nice”.

He reciprocated the smile.

“So, what really has you down in the dumps?”

You shrugged as you tried to formulate a thought that might make sense to him.

“Well… I guess I-”, you had to cut off mid sentence, because something familiar began to tickle your ears — a laugh, one you’d been aching to hear all day.

“Belphie, is that… is that Mammon? Where has he been all day?”, you were asking the question, but your legs were already moving you out the door away from the answer. He replied, but you could only piece together bits as you got further away from him, following the voice of the snow-haired boy instead. Argument, Mammon left, crashed with friends, all night, definitely in trouble. That’s what you processed.

“Mammon-” you rounded the corner, but halted in your tracks, backing behind it when you came near face-to-face with a group of demons much taller and much stronger than you, energies darker than the ones you were used to being surrounded by.

He hadn’t heard you.

“Bro, that was a riot. You gotta swing with us more often my man”.

“Ya know Lucifer wouldn’t even think ‘bout lettin’ me ride with you guys on the day-to-day. ‘Sides, I got things to do”.

“You mean a human to babysit?”, your breath caught in your throat. You heard Mammon scoff.

“No! I do what I want. They’re cool.”

Your heart pounded into your throat (but that’s something you’d never let him know). You were just friends, and you weren’t sure if you’d ever be more. Sure, he was terrible at hiding how much he cared about you, and sure, he was ridiculously possessive over you, but he’s also the Avatar of Greed, so how much of that is him needing you versus his sin needing you? The way you saw it, neither of those things amounted to relationship-worthy love.

The conversation was droning on, and you’d almost forgotten you were listening.

“So, you fuckin that then or what?”

Your head snapped back into full awareness, the tone of your feelings completely changing every second, anxiously awaiting your favorite demon’s reply. Why were you so nervous? He wouldn’t lie about you, he wouldn’t slander your name — not with what people already thought of you because you lived in a giant house with 7 painfully-attractive, desire-filled, and experienced, rulers of Hell.

“Yeah, the rumors true?”

Mammon’s voice came next at a grumble.

He stuttered it.

You almost didn’t catch it.

You must not have.

“Y-yeah. No, I mean absolutely. I mean, how could a human even turn down The Great Mammon? They couldn’t, and they don’t.”

You must not have heard it — but you did, and you almost wished you hadn’t

Before your thoughts could catch up with your limbs, you found yourself rounding the corner yet again. “Yeah, how could they not, Mammon?”, your voice cracking at the end, despite all your efforts to come across smooth and level-headed.

“MC..”, Mammon’s mouth instantly hung open, his chill facade easily melting away. He looked almost identical to a lost puppy within moments.

“Oh you can bet, Mammon fucks me every single night — no feelings involved, because that’s just the kind of big man he is. He’s even fucking me RIGHT NOW. Right, Mon?”, you seethed his nickname through your teeth. Tears were starting to puddle at the lids of your eyes, threatening to expose just how much you really cared for him, and just how unspeakably broken you felt in that moment.

“M-MC. Pl- please don’t —“, he was already approaching you, pushing past the group of boys. You turned on your heel, catching the watching eyes of Belphie at the end of the hall. You ran for him until you were in reach to yank on his arm, pulling him behind you, as fast and as far away from that school, and Mammon, as possible.

“MC!”

Mammon will always be there.

Mammon would not always be there. This was a new truth you heartbrokenly added to your list.

———————————————————-

Your room was icily cold, numbingly so.

You always kept it like that when you were sad, hoping maybe some of the lack of feeling in your body would translate to your heart.

Hoping you wouldn’t feel so shattered.

You trusted him. And he broke it. He broke you.

These are obvious statements, but as you laid solemnly tucked under a heap of blankets, you couldn’t help but run them, and the scene from today, over and over again through your brain.

Maybe you were overreacting?

Mammon had always been the brother, despite his tsundere attitude, who protected you. He never lost his cool with you, and he never treated you poorly. Maybe he made a few callous remarks here and there, but they were gentle underneath, and just his own way of showing you a glimpse of the angel wings he’d lost a long time ago.

Mammon had become your home.

“MC?”

The voice was muffled through the door, but it was undoubtedly him. You weren’t sure if you were shocked, happy, angry, or assured that he had come, but either way, you wouldn’t dare leave your covers to open the locked door. Not yet.

“MC. Please. Open the door. I-I just wanna talk to ya…”

You didn’t budge.

“I will kick this down, ya know”. You were both quiet until you heard some shuffling outside. Your eyes went wide, ready for a foot to come flying through shards of your door. You scrambled to your feet, stumbling over to the rusted knob.

You cracked it open.

“Please don’t. I don’t want to sleep in Beel’s room another week because my room needs renovating for the millionth time.”

Mammon smiled shyly at you, apologetically more than anything.

“Can I.. ya know, come in?”

You pulled out of the way, making just enough room for the tall, lean demon to slip through the crack in your door.

The moment he stepped in, he was engulfed in darkness, nothing but dim threads of moonlight that seeped in through your curtains to highlight the sharp features of his face and body. He’d shed his jacket since earlier, leaving him in his fitted black tee and jeans.

So beautiful.

You mentally slapped yourself for even thinking about it.

You were mad at him.

“So. Please talk. I’m exhausted and wasn’t planning on even looking at you tonight.” You were curt. But you had to be, or else you wouldn’t be able to hold anything back, whether that be anger, or adoration.

He looked taken back — hurt — too. He glanced at your bed and the candy wrappers strewn about the floor. Mammon wasn’t too bright, but he knew enough to know when someone had been crying for well over an hour.

On a normal occasion, he would’ve thrown himself onto your sheets, rolling until he found a comfortable position to scroll his D.D.D. and poke at you for hours.

But tonight, he awkwardly crossed his arms and shuffled his feet, clearly unsure of what to say first — or at all, for that matter.

“I-“

You raised a tired eye, cueing him to spit whatever excuse he could possibly say out.

“I get a bad rep sometimes.”

What?

“For liking ya.. Hanging with ya.”

If this was an apology, it was the worst one you’d ever heard in your life.

“Oh? Sorry. I didn’t mean to be a burden to your bravado. Let me continue to take myself out of the picture.” You pointed at the door for him to leave, ready to break down the moment he walked through.

“No! That- that’s not what I meant.” He made eye contact for a mere moment, silently begging for you to see his sincerity.

“Is anything ever what you mean, Mammon?” The use of his full name in a mix with that tone clearly set him back, but he shook it off hurriedly.

“Yes! I mean, I don’t care. Usually. I’d-I’d just had a rough day with Luci. Rough life, more like, and I was tired of feelin’ like shit ‘bout myself. Nazriel’s question jus’ threw me off. I-I wanted to seem cool, so I said what I knew would make me, and-“

“And you’re a piece of shit for it”.

You weren’t wrong. And he knew that.

“... and I’m a piece of shit for it.”

There was a pause before he hesitantly continued.

“I wound up bein’ exactly what I was tryin’ not to be. Scummy.”

He raised his eyes to meet yours, blue hues morphing into gold flecks like waves crashing on the beach. Your breath hitched and caught in your throat, only now realizing that the whole time you’d been arguing, you’d both been slowly edging together. Now, you were dangerously close.

“You aren’t scummy, Mammon…”, you began to tenderly look at him.

“Yeah.. I am. But that’s just me, I guess. I can’t mind it.”

He took one step, leaving you toe to toe. Though one of the shorter of the boys, he still towered over you.

“I jus’ can’t be scummy to you.”

You tilted your head, heart and body language softening as he spoke.

“I shouldn’t be, and I don’ wanna be”.

His hands cautiously made their way to your shoulders, and you shuddered at the feeling that made its way through your bones.

“Mammon?”

“Yeah?”

“That apology shouldn’t have worked.”

He chuckled, “you’re right.”

You smiled, a true smile. The first one all day. And what came next, you knew probably shouldn’t. But you also didn’t really care.

“Mammon?”

He hummed in response, and you stood as high as you could on your tip-toes to kiss his cheek. His face deeply rouged the moment your lips met his hot skin.

His eyes were wide as you lowered yourself down, leaving a hand lingering on his arm.

In that moment, his aura shifted, and everything was suspensefully still. Within seconds, his arms wrapped you in a crushing hug, his breath heavy and warm behind your ear.

You sunk your weight into his, relishing the relief from the chill of your room, as you snaked your arms behind his back.

You weren’t entirely sure how long you stood like that, but you knew it must’ve been a while, because his grip was starting to affect your breathing.

“Mon- air”,

He lightened up and pulled back from you.

“S-sorry!”

Your lips turned up at the sight of his cute embarrassment. He scowled at you, knowing what you were thinking, but slowly started to laugh.

He leaned his forehead against yours, the sudden proximity causing you to let out a slight squeak.

“Ya drive me nuts, ya know?”

You searched his eyes, trying to make sure he was saying what you really thought he was.

This was a bad idea. For so many reasons.

But truthfully, neither of you gave two shits.

So he ghosted his lips over yours, his left fang biting his bottom, waiting for the sign to move — the sign that you wanted him, the sign that he would be enough.

The second you tilted your nose to the side of his, he crashed his mouth into yours.

From all the “first kisses” with your “first man” that you’d imagined, this was like none of them.

It was so

so much better.

It was fast, it was hard, but it wasn’t rough. It wasn’t brutal. It wasn’t empty. It was a cataclysm of feelings — pent up tension, pent up love.

As he dragged his mouth over yours, he hooked his hands under your legs, lifting you to wrap around him in one, swift movement. Then, he was on the move, backing himself toward your bed until the back of his knees met the mattress, and he collapsed, pulling your legs to straddle his lap. You hadn’t disconnected from his lips the entire time, still fervently needing more of him. You knew he felt the same. The demon of greed would most certainly never have enough of you. He tasted sweet and smelled strongly of an expensive cologne you knew he probably couldn’t actually afford. One of his hands stayed splayed on the top of your thigh, while the other worked to bring you even closer to him (if that was possible), pressing underneath your shirt to the skin on your back, two fingers edging their way into the beltline of your shorts.

He was careful not to take himself too far, to not lose control, and you could tell, so you worked your tongue past his lips. He sucked in a breath as the complete access to your mouth made room for him to deepen his greed for you. Slipping his tongue to meet yours, he nipped at your bottom lip, working his entire mouth in a blissful harmony.

He pulled back, heaving air, seeping desire from every muscle, just enough to speak to you,

“MC… I-I can’t… I can’t handle this... well... for much longer. I don’ know what I’m gonna do to ya…”, he began to pepper wet kisses down your neck, unable to keep himself off you long enough to even hear your reply.

You weren’t sure what else you were expecting, or if you were expecting anything else at all.

You were making out with a demon, after all.

You moved a hand to rake your nails through his frosty hair, and he leaned into the palm of your touch.

“It’s okay. I want you. All of you...”, it was only a whisper, but you were afraid if you spoke too loud, you’d snap the moment in half.

He did nothing but growl before reattaching his lips to yours, bringing his slender fingers to tug up at the hem of your shirt.

“I’m gonna do my best not to hurt ya…” he mumbled on your lips. You simply nodded, running your hands against his abs. He shivered at the contact, before helping you remove his own shirt.

Somewhere in the midst of him sliding on top of you, and the complete sight of the demon boy you had always longed for filling your soul, you heard the faintest of three words. You almost tricked yourself into believing they never entered the air, that they’d never left his lips.

But they were impossible to ignore.

“I love you”.

The sun will (sort of) rise.

The sun will (kind of) set.

You live in Hell, with 7 boys you dearly love,

but one holds you in the palm of his hand.

Mammon will always be there.

That night, he proved that truth to you over, and over again.

fin.

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internalsealpanic · 4 years

Text

All That Glitters

Summary: Pandora’s box is a black box covered in silk and embossed with the initials R.S.

a/n: So uh this work is a follow up to my fic Better Die than Doubt but it can be read as a stand alone. This thing resulted from the combined might of @knightfall05x, @lucy-roo, and my thirst. I said the follow up to that fic would be fluffy. The chronological follow up will come out at some point. I just have a single braincell and it decided it wanted to write more Black Mask being an absolute bastard. Thanks to those two hoes for enabling and proof reading. See you both in hell

warnings: This is smut. I was being haunted. This work contains noncon, past noncon, violence, Roman being an asshole, daddy kink, size kink, strength kink (if you squint ), yandere themes, stalking, exhibitionism, a dude who cannot take no for an answer and choking.

masterlist

“Hey Jay,” You chirp into the phone, maneuvering it over your shoulder carefully so you wouldn't drop it while you held your soda can at an arm's length away from you hoping it wouldn’t explode on you when you attempt to open it.

“Hey, sweet-” You blow out a raspberry halting the correction in its tracks. You can practically picture Jason’s mouth swerve into an odd shape caught between proceeding with his correction or backtracking. He chose neither. You hear him swear viciously. You snort making him huff.

“What’s up, asshat?” He asks, endearingly. You can pretty much hear him rolling his eyes from this side of the world. You frown hearing how winded he sounded.

“Jay, if this is a bad time, I can-”

“You’re fine it’s just a little-”

“JAYBIRD, A LITTLE HELP WOULD BE NICE”

“Roy sounds like he needs help. I can call back later.”

“Roy can handle himself.”

“Thanks for the confidence, Jaybird, but I think I’d prefer if you kept shooting straight.”

You snort feeling warmth build up in your chest despite the chilly weather. You chirp delighted when you open the can and it doesn’t explode. You hear Jason chuckle. The smart remark he had on the edge of his tongue dies on his lips when your breath hitches audibly at the sound of his gun firing. Jason makes a noise, the kind you use to prompt someone to tell you if they’re ok without having to ask. You swallow and nod and curse remembering he can’t see you. You blow out a breath, making sure it comes out steady.

“Y/n...”

“I’m-” You wanted to say fine but you knew the word fine was wholly inappropriate and untrue for this situation. “I’m gonna survive. I promise.”

Jason doesn’t make a sound of agreement or disagreement. He simply acknowledges it. You silently thank him for the neutrality.

“JAYBIRD”

“SHUT UP, HARPER”

You hear Kory sigh in exasperation somewhere in the distance. In the background, you hear a shriek which you assume is from Jason. Then the line cuts out.

You try to redial.

Nothing.

You try again.

Nothing.

A laugh rips out of your chest. You cry out in pain, the fizzy drink rushing up your nose. You wince and curse and settle on blaming Jason. You suspect they somehow broke the phone. You wouldn’t be too surprised by that outcome. You sigh but there was no point in complaining about it. You might as well finish your lunch in peace.

You chew on your cheek as you walk back to your cubicle, everyone’s eyes are on you. You feel your breathing pick up a fraction of a second faster.

One

Two

Fuck

You dig your nails into your palm. Your footfalls become heavier and a little louder even against the white noise around you. You slowdown and shake your head. You haven’t had an attack at work so far and you aren’t about to start now. You inhale deeply, letting your chest expand as you run through the things Dinah taught you.

Take stock of the situation around you.

The world around you was buzzing with life-shuffling papers, ringing phones, humming of machines, and blips of voices here and there. The room is bright and clean under the light of sterile fluorescent lights. You take in all the voices around you. You’re not alone. The knot building in your shoulders loosens. You continue.

Take stock of your body.

Your body is trembling, the beginnings of a panic attack looming over you. Instead of cursing it, you let it. It was only natural to relapse once in a while. The trauma wasn’t fresh. Not in your opinion, at least. Dinah and, apparently, everyone else had a different opinion. You’re good at being ok but you were human. You let out a long breath, half-tempted to let your eyes slide shut but you’re afraid of finding yourself in that room again, of seeing him, of feeling him on you. Revulsion spasmed in your body in powerful waves. Sure, you’re a showboat, Jay had said as much, but showing off and causing a scene were two entirely different things and you weren’t entirely sure you could endure the looks of pity from your coworkers every time you came through those doors.

Stiffly, you walk towards your cubicle. Your neighbor, Chelsea, smiling conspiratorially at you while your manager glares daggers at you. You raise an eyebrow at Chelsea who waggles her eyebrows in return.

“This is how you tell me I got fired?” You sigh, a smile twitching at the corners of your mouth.

Chelsea rolls her eyes at you. “Nope, but the boss man did want me to tell you to tell your boyfriend that he really shouldn’t be sending you gifts at work but honestly, I …...” Your brows knit in confusion, cold dread licking at the pit of your stomach.

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” You say slowly trying to keep the mounting panic out of your voice. You could hear your blood pulsating in your ears, heart threatening to jump out of your chest. Your feet are itching for you to run outside and call Jason or Dinah or anyone but the stupider part of you- the curious part of you was clawing at your mind to proceed.

“Y/n, are- are you ok?” You blink and look at the clock. Two minutes. You blacked out for two minutes which, if you were being totally honest, was a huge improvement.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“If you say so” She shrugs, her eyes still not pulling away from you.

Mechanically, you turn to your desk. Your entire being freezes when your eyes land on the black box sitting on the desk and the large bouquet of red roses sitting next to it. The box was rectangular, black with silver trimmings embossed on it. Large ‘R.S.’ written in fancy lettering at the bottom right corner of the lid. You wanted to vomit.

You draw a breath and flex your fingers. You can feel your teeth digging into your cheeks.

“Hey, Chel?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I borrow some tissues?” You ask your voice barely above a whisper but still miraculously steady. She frowns at your handing you a couple of tissues. Normally, you keep your vigilante habits out of your civilian life but considering the initials embossed on this obnoxiously expensive-looking box sitting on your desk, you think this level of paranoia is justified.

You stop to calculate the odds that the box contained explosives which turns up zero. You sigh but a shiver climbs up your spine when you run through the possibilities of what Roman could have thought of as a gift.

“Y/n, what the fuck?” If Chelsea wasn’t watching you before, she was now. You glance at her quickly and give her a weak smile. You swallow the lump forming in your throat. Cautiously, you lift the lid quietly regretting not calculating the possibility of anything toxic being in it. You’re honestly surprised nothing happened. You roll your eyes upon seeing the expensive-looking black silk covering the inside.

Yes, rub your money in my face while you scare me shitless why don’t you, you fucking asshole, you think grumpily peeling the fabric away.

Your heart comes to a full stop when you’re met with a pair of lacy lingerie. Your lacy lingerie. Your USED lacy lingerie. You blink trying not to focus on the white stains. You sincerely did not want to think about that. Moving them aside you find a bloody shirt, the sound of its shifting fabric making gooseflesh spread all over your body.

You recognize it. You didn’t want to, but here it was. The bloodstains were dry but they were still visible even against the dark fabric of the shirt. Your skin prickles where the scars on your body sit. The knife wounds sting and throb as if freshly cut. It takes everything in you not to vomit.

It was probably the single-minded curiosity that kept you going. You maneuver the shirt carefully making sure it makes as little sound as possible. Underneath it is a collar, simple but clearly expensive leather with the tag R.S. glittering under the sterile lights. Your throat constricts. You tear your gaze away. Your eyes sting. Next to it was a stack of photos. The top photo showed you with your, shirt torn exposing your breasts. Someone was inside you, gripping your hips. You gag. You reign your mind in. You flip the stack over and gather your breath. Your heart stops again when you see Roman’s familiar handwriting on the back of a photo.

“Miss me?”

The drive back to your apartment was a blur consisting of what was most likely several severe traffic violations but you needed- you need to get out of town as quickly as possible. The odds of Roman himself showing up to your little town was low, very low. Not that you’ve actually calculated it. You don’t need to. The man walks around like his feet bless every surface they touch. The man has a loaded god complex the size of Russia to put it generously. Fetching you was simply beneath him. He had henchmen for a reason after all.

You wave to your landlady and her husband amiably as you walk past them keeping the nervous thrum out of your movement. Your landlady returns the gesture, elbowing her sneering husband. You know what he thinks of you and your habits. Take a few guys home with you and suddenly you’re a slut. Your promiscuity was none of his fucking business. Your body was yours to do with, to give, and to take back. It was yours. It’s yours, you assure yourself but the feeling of your body and mind hanging loosely off of each other feels painfully vivid at the moment.

You shake your head. This wasn’t the best time to sort out your hang-ups.

You press your ear to your apartment door then remembered just how thick it was and remembered that you didn’t exactly have super hearing. You sigh. What you would give to be Supes right about now. You enter the apartment careful not to make your steps audible. That, however, was rendered moot by the two very large and blocky men standing in your living room. You exhale both in frustration and relief. If Roman Fucking Sionis thinks he can scare you with two meatheads, he was clearly insulting you. Well, at least, he didn’t hire anyone actually competent considering all your gear was in a duffle bag tucked neatly away under your bed. Yanno, just for this sort of eventuality. Now that you think about it. You really should have just kept it in your car but small-town crime seems to have softened you.

You smile letting the irritation mold you into something sharp and venomous. You throw the box at one of the henchmen goading them to attack you. Its contents scattering all over the floor. You can’t bring yourself to care that some of the photos land right side up.

“Tell your chicken shit of a boss to come scare me himself,” You laugh, manic relief flooding through you. You feel like you’re going mad but you don’t care. It’s so much more feasible to deal with these men than it is to have to even think about Roman. “He doesn’t even have the balls to-”

“Well, it’s nice to see you too, Sweetheart.” comes a gravelly voice from the bedroom. Your stomach drops. Roman strides out of your bedroom adjusting the cuff link of his obnoxiously expensive suit. He looks down to the photos and gifts scattered on the ground, frowning he bends down to pick up the collar, dusting it off and stuffing it in his pocket.

Your fight or flight response freezes. You back into the door, the material feeling too solid for the moment. You inhale sharply, only managing short shallow breaths as Roman slowly closes the distance between you. His footfalls loud, heavy, and deliberately casual making your blood thrum.

No. No. No.

Your eyes flicker wildly around the room looking for any weapon within reach, your mind running through the numbers, the probabilities melding together into incoherent blotches of red in the back of your skull. Roman slams his large hands on either side of your head. The impact makes the door creak. You can’t stop yourself from flinching visibly, surprise and fear carving themselves on to your face. Roman barks out a derisive laugh as he trails a leather-clad finger down your chin, your throat, then to your cleavage. The contact against your bare skin makes you bristle.

“This here?” He emphasizes, his fingers playing with the top button of your shirt popping it carelessly revealing your baby pink, lace bra hidden beneath. “This is a little low cut for the office, isn’t it, princess?”

Annoyance overwhelms your sense of self-preservation. “I’m not about to take fashion advice from a guy who looks like he watches Scar Face daily.” You snipe, teeth bared. Roman hums the undercurrent of rage filling the air. Your ribs ache, remembering an old injury. Your mouth slams shut cutting off any other snide remarks.

“You wear these clothes to wind me up, don’t you?” Roman drawls, his leather-clad fingers tracing up the expanse of your thigh exposed by the slit of your skirt, bunching up the skirt and playing with the waistband of your thong as he does so. His thumbs pressing circles against your inner thigh, you can’t help but quiver under his touch. “Oh the fun hasn’t even started yet...just wait”, he bites your ear lobe and tugs it between his teeth. He pulls back and glares at you. “Do you want to know how I found you in this dead-end town, princess?�� He asks tilting your chin with his gloved hand. You shake your head not really interested at the moment. You’re too distracted by how flush your body was getting as he presses you further into the door with his bulk. You note with disgust the arousal suffusing through your limbs.

“You were all over the news, sweetheart,” You’re trying to remember what he could possibly be talking about. He leans in closer, leather-clad hand brushing against his thumb against your bottom lip, your lips parting automatically for him. He places his gloved thumb between your parted lips. “Did you really think I wouldn’t recognize that goofy smile of yours?” You shiver lips wrapping around the intruding digit. Your tongue flicks and swirls around it in a practiced gesture. “Good girl.” Roman hums, a grin spreading across his face while thick shame blankets you. You frown at how familiar the taste of the glove is against your tongue. You push your thoughts away wishing your mind would fall away.

“Baby,” He draws his hand away from your lips, wiping the thin string of saliva on your face. His hands glide down the sides of your body. “Did you really think I wouldn’t recognize these hips?” His hands grab at your hips roughly, lifting you and pulling them flush against his own. “Baby. I know what’s mine and this time I won’t let you get away from me.” He whispers against your neck, voice husky and rough. You swallow feeling his lips brush against your pulse.

Roughly, he wedges a thigh between your legs, the friction against your core making you keen. The friction woke something in you and loosened a few other things. Your hips roll desperately against the thick muscle of his thighs. Roman grins against your neck, loosening his grip on your hips and letting you fuck yourself on his thigh. You will yourself to stop but the heat twisting in your gut is too much. You hate yourself. You well and truly hate yourself. Your cheeks warm, breath coming out in pants.

Roman places a kiss on your collarbone, teeth grazing your sensitive flesh. Your tongue is caught between your teeth to hold back a moan but the shiver spreading throughout your body says it too loudly. Roman chuckles, vibrations deep within his chest making you weak. Roman licks a stripe up your neck, planting kisses and hickeys along your jaw. “God, you taste sweet, princess.” He murmurs hot against your neck, the smirk dripping from his voice. It feels like acid against your skin.

He guides your pliant arms to loop around his shoulders. You obey soundlessly, tipping your head back giving him room to ravish your neck. He does with unbridled enthusiasm. You feel trapped in your own body. You don’t want this. You want to push him away but the fear coursing through you leaves you a passenger in your own body. Your breath hitches with each bite and kiss.

“Mine.” He rumbles resolutely, sliding the cloth of your top placing a bite on your shoulder. It stings without even looking, you know it’s deep.

“No” You whisper, low and unsure.

“No?” He challenges pulling away from your shoulder.

“No” You echo voice frustratingly unsteady. He sneers down at you, smile condescending. A biting rebellious part of you demands that you snarl and spit something brisque and witty at him but it’s pushed down by something viscous filling your chest. How are you drowning and why are you not dead yet?

Just let it pass, your mind whispers to itself. Just let him get his fill and he’ll be on his way. You don’t even have to get hurt. You sincerely want to believe this. You just want this to not happen. The thought of it summons a wave of nausea deep within you. Tears well up in the corner of your eyes. You blink rapidly chasing them away. He likes it when you cry.

“Baby, you can’t tell me you don’t want this,” He emphasizes, pressing his thigh against your sopping pussy. The pressure makes you whine. “Not when you’re being all cute and fucking yourself on my thigh like the dirty slut you are.”

No. No. No.

Rat-tat.

You will your hips to stop their movement but they’re too lost in their momentum. Your eyes flicker to Roman’s men, large eyes pleading. They stand stiffly doing their best to ignore you. They’re doing a damn fine job of it.

“Oh they won’t do anything, they’re here to watch,” Roman whispers hotly against your ear. Your eyes flicker to them again. Your breath catching when your eyes meet one of theirs, seeing not an ounce of pity. You shove the bile rising in your throat and the quirk on their lips deep somewhere else, somewhere away from you.

You try to squirm away but Roman’s arm presses into your windpipe pinning you in place. You thrash and kick and hiss but your head feels light. You hear fabric shift and you still. The sound of the zipper is too loud and too real.

Roman takes your lips in a forceful kiss making you gasp. His tongue forces its way into your mouth. He releases your neck. You feel his fingers trail up the slits of your skirt. You try to focus on them rather than what’s pressing stiffly against your inner thigh. The fabric of your skirt bunch up by your hips. You feel your panties getting pushed aside by large fingers. You whimper again, clawing at the expensive fabric of Roman’s suit. “Please don’t do this.” You plead breathily against his ear.

He laughs, voice gravelly and harsh. Without further warning or preparation or ceremony, Roman shoves himself inside your warmth, pushing you further into the door. You gasp, the burning stretch making your body tremble all over. He bottomed out with a loud groan. You wanted to cover your ears or have your mind fall out of your reach but here it was painfully present along with your frozen body. He’s loud, groaning and panting as he fucks into you. He thrusts into you with wild abandon, hips clashing against each other with bruising intensity. You can feel his cock dragging in and out of you, hitting every spot violently. He wants this to hurt. You hope it would too.

Your cheeks burn with how your walls spasm around his cock. You want to push him away, to take him out of you but it feels so good. You try to smother the lewd sounds you make into his shirt. Roman’s hands squeeze tightly around your waist in warning. “Yeah, that's it, baby. Let daddy know how much you want this.” You don’t protest. Instead, you let your mouth hang open and let the lewd mewls and keens tumble out. He drills into you more violently seemingly spurred on by your sounds.

You come with a whimper. You want to bury yourself in a hole. He comes not long after still fucking into you as he does, making sure your pussy takes all of his cum.

He pulls out of you, the slick sound of it absolutely sinful. Your body is slack against the door, too drained to hold itself up. Roman pulls back, grinning down at you and whistling appreciatively as he admires his work. “Let’s dress you back up, sweetheart.” Roman coos locking something around your neck. You don’t need to look down to know what he’s put there. The cool metal of the R.S. hanging off the collar presses stark against your hot sensitive skin.

“You look sooo much better like this,” Blearily you look past him. Your duffle bag is already in the arms of one of his men. He grabs your face roughly making you look him in the eyes. “All mine- just as you should be.”

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Thanks for reading! I swear I will do more fluff in the near future. I just needed this out of my system.

Tag list: @batarella, @anothertimdrakestan, @lucy-roo, @multifandomgirl-us, @idkmanicantenglish,@birdy-bat-writes, @boosyboo9206, @americasmarauders , @l-horizon11, @arestorationofbalance , @cloudie-skay, @wunderstell

#yandere blackmask #yandere dc #yandere roman sionis #reader insert #dc reader insert #warning: smut #dc smut #black mask x reader #roman sionis x reader #yandere roman sionis x reader #my writing

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a-hidden-weeb-an-open-queer · 3 years

Text

Yo whores, bros, and other nonbinary folks, Naruto? Yeah that shit is shit. Sorry >.<

Big shocker when I say this, but the systems in Naruto make little to no sense. From the hospital system to the education system, all of it SUCKS.

And one of the biggest offender is ANBU - yea those bitches.

ANBU are suppose to be the eliet, the best of the best, the type of soldiers that follow all orders and can kill with their pinkies.

Woah. Weird. Because what we get are little pussies.

In order to keep my sanity, I've convinced myself that it's done on purpose - because pointing out bad writing is more boring then desperately trying to excuse bad writing in the form of head canons and theories.

You cannot tell me otherwise that the ANBU was created by a drunk Hashirama and everyone just went, "you got it, boss man."

The system is so deeply flawed that it's getting soldiers killed - good soldiers. And when you run out of quality, you replace it with quantity.

The ANBU is built to accept the highest portion of people who are willing to sell their souls to their government. The way to do this is easy, you make the test easy - that's right, it's all a lie hoes.

Now, how do I know that Hashirama drunkly came up with this system? Well...i dont because SOMEONE doesn't give us good historical backstories - but I theorize this is how it went down.

BECAUSE NONE OF IT MAKES ANY SENSE.

First of all, why the masks?

"B-but Weeb-san, the masks are to identify and give a persona to ANBU soldiers"

Incorrect, ignorant fake person who I made up for this argument.

You see, you don't want your unidentifiable ops to be...identify. We know that ANBU ops keep the same mask all throughout their career, so what's stopping a gossiping citizen from recognizing the same ANBU? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I bet my whole ass that there would be an underground Bingo book about ANBU ops, because oh, look at that: All it takes is a single person to record an ANBU's mask and abilities to completely nullify the whole point of ANBU.

The people who need to be identifying the ANBU are the same people who allowed to know the identities of ANBU - making the whole mask system fucking pointless.

Now, look, I'll admit that the whole 'adopting a persona to make you feel less shitty about murdering an entire family' is a valid argument - IF their personas wasn't so obvious.

So here's what you should do to fix it:

Keep the mask idea, but have them all be the same.

Keep the personable names, but allow them to be assigned by an overseeing captain or be personally choose - it's important to have these names to be personal and not just numbers; an easy way to forget who you are and going insane is by being completely stripped of who you are.

Oh. By the way, it's super easy to identify people outside of ANBU masks.

An example: when Kakashi was in ANBU, his hair and voice was unchanged.

How the fuck did no one go: "huh, it might be easy to identify this literal child genius based off his squeaky voice and weird ass hair. We should probably hide it with THE LITERAL HUNDREDS OF JUTSU THAT WERE CREATED EXACTLY FOR THIS REASON."

Oh, and right, let's not forget the tattoos.

No, you didn't hear me incorrect: the organization that no one is suppose to be aware that you're apart of gives you a tattoo. A tattoo. Right.

Can you guess where they're suppose to go? That's right bitch, on the shoulder. Right. Sure. Okay.

What, are ANBU suppose to fuck with their shirt on for the rest of their life? Oh sorry, I forgot the ANBU actively discourages having a life outside of being mindless shoulder because that's defiantly not a recipe for disaster - my bad.

"Oh but Weeb-san this is so they can assure that no one can copy and pretend to be an ANBU."

Yes, yes, I'm aware that the ANBU typical unform shows the shoulders. That's great. Sadly, there is a magical system in place which literally have zero limitations - looking at you space rabbit. Trust me, a tattoo is not the solution here.

So how do we fix this:

Add seals to the back of the mask to make it A.) Impossible to remove without the correct hand seals (which should change weekly btw) B.) Makes all voices monotone and androgynous.

Use the magic system. Please for fucks sake, use it. Everyone should have the same appearance; looking badass isn't an excuse for being a dumbass.

The tattoo system is in place to avoid the ANBU from being infiltrated. Allow me to quickly say: infiltrating ANBU will have to be done by someone who has inside information - the ANBU literally have their own sign language. Plus, I'm sure the members are close enough to realize when someone isn't suppose to be there. Overall, the tattoo system is fucking pointless. Just get rid of it.

Some headcanons~

Therapy. Seriously. There should be a mandatory check up every three months. You're telling me we have a whole clan who specialize in mental health and we aren't going to use them? Fucking dumbass.

ANBU headquarters should hold everything a person would need: sleeping quarters, cafeteria, medic area, and rec area. For most ANBU this is a life style; it makes no sense to force PTSD riddle, lonely soldiers into normal population unless they actively choose it.

I do believe this is cannon-ish, but teams should created for a single specialization.

There should be captain and co-captain; this is just to assure that a dumbass decision isn't made. Or teams should have a voting system.

Retirement should be encourage. Shocker, but having a useless teammate is very dangerous. If someone is incapable of continuing in ANBU they should be discharged and put into a different branch where they can be even more useful.

ANBU should be a very respectful position and shouldn't be taboo to talk about or anti-famous. This is less about the organization and more about how the public perceives them - I just find it very weird that being ANBU isn't idolized by children or lower ranked shinobi.

I defiantly forgot a few points, but honestly who gives two shits? I'll just edit it later lmao.

See you later, sexy mamas~

Xoxo

#i wrote this for me fuck y'all #sorry that was mean #kindly fuck y'all #naruto #naruto rant #anbu #anbu makes no sense sorry babes #yes i did write this full rant because im a weeb who writes fanfiction #whats it to you?#i drank three coffees and its almost 12 am #headcanon #author doesnt know the difference between cannon and canon and refuses to google it #revisting your childhood animes and pointing out why they are shit #wow this was long #i regret nothing but my ability to write #point put my flaws and i will stab you #love you all

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