#Matthias did not try to kiss either of them

[undercover-grisha]

I like to believe that the Grishaverse doesn’t have homophobia (even tho that’s bs bc homophobia stems entirely from sexism and there’s CLEARLY that in the Grishaverse but WHATVEVER) however I like to believe that the Grishaverse doesn’t have homophobia… except Fjerda.

Because Matthias doesn’t know what to do when he sees Jesper kissing Wylan goodbye before leaving a room. Hmm. Maybe it’s a Zemeni thing. Well, alright, Matthias is all for trying new cultures.

so he kisses Wylan goodbye before leaving the room.

at the end of a very long week, Nina has to ask Jesper and Wylan if they are dating her boyfriend— because she can work around that if they are, and honestly she wouldn’t mind poly— and they just stare at her blankly.

“We just assumed that was a Fjerdan thing.”

[restinslices]

Liar

Druskelle!Matthias Helvar x Heartrender!WIfe!Reader Word count: 2347 Summary: You've kept being a Grisha secret from your husband Matthias Helvar, but what happens when he finds out? Y/N - Your name D/N - Daughter name

If it hadn’t been for two big reasons, you’d like to think you’d have left Fjerda.

The ice, the cold, the anti Grisha talk. Living in Fjerda was nerve wracking, causing you to be hypervigilant on everything you said or did. To say it was tiring, would be an understatement. Yet two people kept you in Fjerda; your husband Matthias Helvar and your daughter D/N Helvar. 

There were nights where you would toss and turn, your mind plaguing you with nightmares about Matthia finding out about you. Those nightmares never ended the same way. In one dream he’d kill you, the other you’d try to run away together, only for him to be killed. Sometimes you’d be caught instead. In the worst nightmares, it’d be your daughter who was caught and killed.

It’s not that you were afraid of Matthias. You feared him finding out because you didn’t want to lose him. Either from him leaving you, or the other Druskelle killing him.

While you were awake though, you fortunately had a friend. A woman named Elise, who lived a few houses down and was also a Grisha. A tidemaker to be more specific. 

When night fell and darkness covered you both, you two would become a particular thorn in the Druskelle’s sides. Elise would use her tidemaker abilities to create harsh waves that would knock over the boats before they could depart, or icicles that pierced the bottom of the boats, while you would free any Grisha the Druskelle decided to make a “public example” out of. That among other things caused the Druskelle to have a hit out on both of you, but since you were never caught, it was like trying to capture a shadow. 

“I know that I’m right”, Elise said. You rolled your eyes. This was the third time she brought up the possibility of her son, Erik, liking your daughter.

“They’re six Elise”

“I knew what I wanted at six! Plus, Erik gave his scarf to her. Isn’t that proof?”

“No. He noticed she was cold and he was nice”. Elise waved dismissively and went to open her mouth, but luckily Matthias emerged from the back. You had to admit, if you hadn’t known Matthias, you’d be startled by his build. He once told you that he was the tallest and biggest kid amongst the Drukelle, and you never doubted it. Even now, he was taller and bigger than most of the men you saw walking around. He absolutely terrified Elise when she first saw him, and you always brought it up when you wanted a good laugh. 

“They’re too young to date” he said simply before he placed a kiss on your cheek. “They should wait till they’re older and he can court her properly”

You spoke before Elise could make a sarcastic remark, “where are you off to?”

“Boating docks. We’ll be taking off before the week is done, and we have to stay alert”. You fought against the urge to shoot a glance at the woman sitting next to you. Matthias mistook you anxious about being caught for anxiousness about his safety. He rubbed your cheek lightly with his thumb and looked at you with soft eyes, “I’ll be ok”.

You nodded in understanding and off he went, not knowing he was watching out for you. 

~~~

You peered out your window, watching the sun start to go down. You had told the kids to be home at six bells. Foolish of you to think they’d actually listen when you weren’t watching them. 

“I’m gonna start looking for them”, you announced as you threw your coat on. Your hand hovered over the doorknob, before suddenly it was thrown open. 

Erik stood in the doorway, eyes wide, mouth opening and closing like a fish taken out of the water. His left sleeve was completely wet, and you couldn’t help but notice that your daughter was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s-”

“W-we were playing on the lake and… and… and i-it’s not my fault!”

“What isn’t your fault?”

“The ice cracked! I tried to pull her out but she kept moving!”.

Your heart sunk, your breath caught in your throat. Fjerda was always freezing, and who knew how long Erik had waited before he finally came to get both of you. 

It was one of those moments where you mentally blacked out, only fully gaining consciousness when all three of you were approaching the lake. Your feet moved faster when you noticed the hole she undoubtedly fell in. Shouts telling you to slow down fell on deaf ears as you kept running. You approached the hole, hoping maybe she was close by, but she wasn’t. You kneeled, hoping being closer to the ice would help you spot her.

You heard shuffling and panting behind you. “I told Erik to get Matthias. Do you see her?”

“Do you see her in my arms?”, you snapped unintentionally, too preoccupied to care about how harsh that sounded. 

You got back to your feet and overlapped your fingers over each other, making a triangle shape.

“Y/N anyone could see!”. You ignored her words and kept trying to feel for the familiar heartbeat.

You felt a heartbeat, but it did nothing to ease your worries when you realized how slow and faint it was. You followed it, the heartbeat leading a while away from the initial hole in the ice. 

“Elise!”, you called when you saw the familiar hair color of your daughter and her bright colored jacket. Your back stayed to Elise, afraid if you took your eyes off your daughter that she would float away again.

The ice above her cracked before it erupted, it being moved with ease. You silently said a prayer to any higher power that was listening, and thanked them for giving you a tidemaker as a friend. 

You dropped down, pulled the young girl up and laid her on the ice. Your hands went over her heart, once again ignoring the protests coming from the woman behind you. It wasn’t her child dying. It was yours.

“Come on… come on…”, you mumbled. 

You kept muttering encouraging words under your breath, as if all she needed was a good push. You kept telling her to wake up, only letting yourself let out a breath of relief when her eyes opened and she coughed up water. You pulled her up and patted her back, your own heartbeat still not slowing down. You slipped off her jacket and replaced it with your own, your own arms now freezing, but your own freezing body was the least of your concerns. 

You heard more footsteps and looked up, seeing Matthias approaching. He kneeled down, scooping her in his arms and sighing, “Let’s get her inside and get her warm. She’s freezing”.

~~~

Your heartbeat only slowed down when you laid your daughter down to sleep. You watched over her for a while, monitoring her heartbeat. You didn’t know what Matthias was doing. He started acting strange once you got home. Maybe it was shock. You couldn’t tell him how to process the near death experience of his only child.

You left your daughter’s room and made your way to your own bedroom, but your eyebrows furrowed when you noticed Matthias was nowhere to be seen. You checked the bathroom, living room and kitchen, but Matthias wasn’t there. You stepped outside, finally seeing Matthias outside standing, eyes up to the sky. 

You made your way to his side, “how long have you been out here?”. Matthias didn’t respond. You looked up at the stars like he was, “were you speaking to Djel?”.

He nodded. “I was asking for guidance and forgiveness”.

You frowned. Forgiveness for what? For not predicting what happened today? Who could have? It was an accident. A terrible accident, but an accident. You weren’t even angry at Erik or Elise.

“Today was not your fault Matthias. You don’t need to ask for forgiveness”.

Matthias once again didn’t respond. Instead, he walked back into the house. You followed him, calling his name, but getting nothing in return. You grabbed his arm, noticing when he flinched and took a deep breath.

“I know you’re scared because of what happened today. I am too, but don’t push me away. Talk to me-”

“Stop”, he said firmly. He turned to face you, and for the first time ever, he didn’t look at you with softness and love or patience and caring. His eyes were harsh, his eyes now reminding you of a storm instead of the calm sea. “How’d you find her? That’s not the hole she fell in”.

“No one knows where she fell. We weren’t there”.

“Erik was, and he said you weren’t where D/N fell. So, how’d you find her?”.

“I looked around”, you half lied. You had been looking around… just with a little help. “I saw her hair and jacket”.

“Why was there another hole?”

“It was already there”, you lied once again but Matthias didn’t look convinced. “Why… Why are you asking me this?”, you asked. You tried your best to remain calm, hoping he hadn’t seen anything, and if he did you were hoping you could lie your way out of it. You couldn’t let your nightmares come true.

“You’re lying”.

“I’m not”.

“I saw you! I saw your hands over her!”. You unintentionally backed away when his voice rose. He didn’t seem as soft and caring as he usually was. You tried to think quickly. 

“I-I was giving her CPR. There was water in her lungs, I wasn’t just gonna wait for a doctor-”

“I saw Elise break and move the ice without touching it! I saw you with your hands over D/N! Why are you still lying to me?!”.

You went silent. You couldn’t think of a lie out of this. You tried, you really did, but how could you explain that?

“You’re a liar”.

“Matthias”

“It all makes sense. What’s been happening recently. Ships wrecked, sudden bad waves, Drusje escaping, Druskelle being disoriented”, he took a pause, his eyes never getting softer “it was you two. And that’s why you kept telling me to stop being a Druskelle”.

“I…”, you thought for a moment, trying to find a good response. “I wanted to tell you but I didn’t wanna lose you-”, Matthias turned away but you kept talking, your words coming out rushed “I love and care for you so much and Matthias, Grisha are not bad people, despite what you’ve been taught”.

“Is D/N a witch?”

“Grisha are not witches and I don’t know. I didn’t think to test her yet”. Silence filled the room before Matthias spoke up again, 

“But she could be”

You moved to be in front of him, “she’s still our daughter-”

“She’s your daughter”.

You froze. All of a sudden the girl he cared for since she was a newborn, the girl he told bedtime stories to and let sleep next to him when she had a nightmare, was no longer his daughter?

“Don’t do this. She’s still your daughter. I’m still your wife!”, you pleaded. Your hands raised to cup his face but he backed away. You looked into his eyes, trying to read what he was feeling. It didn’t work. He had become a hard wall, unwilling to budge. “I love you and you love me”.

“None of this was real. This was your witchcraft. You made me fall in love with you!”

“You know that’s not true!”, you almost yelled. “Everything between us is real! I married you because I love you! I had your child because I love you! I didn’t make you fall in love with me, that’s not even how my power works!”

“You’re a witch who can boil blood and stop a pulse! Who knows what else you can do?!”

“I would NEVER do that to you or anyone else even if I could!”. You stepped closer to him, but once again he stepped back. “You can’t possibly be that afraid of me”

“I’m not afraid of witches”

“You hate me”. You waited for Matthias to deny it. For him to pull you into a hug and say he’d hear you out, but neither came. You sighed, how could all of this change in a matter of hours? “You wanna hate me, but you don’t and you know you don’t”.

Matthias looked away from you. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then opened his eyes again. He didn’t look back at you though. “I have to report you and Elise”.

You shook your head, “no you don’t!”. Your hands gripped his arms, sorrow and agony behind your words, “Matthias please!”.

Matthias looked down at you, “I’ll wait until half bell. After that, we’ll be looking for all of you”.

All of you.

You, Elise, Erik, your daughter.

When Matthias hadn’t budged, you ran to your daughter’s room. You quickly got her dressed and threw a coat over her tiny frame. She kept asking questions and rubbing her eyes, but you couldn’t spare any time to answer them. 

What really broke your heart though, is when she saw Matthias. She slipped from your grasp and made her way to him, “where are we going?”. Matthias picked her up and held her, and her arms and legs wrapped around him. Her head falling in the crook of his neck. You had hoped that maybe he changed his mind, but you guessed picking her up and comforting her was like a reflex, because once he seemed to realize what he was doing, he put her down and stepped away from her. 

You picked her up, ignoring her confused murmurs and spared Matthias one last glance before you left. You ran over to Elise’s house, telling her of the news. Like you, she had to wake up her child, and dress him quickly. You two knew you couldn’t go to the boat harbor, so you started on foot to the Ravkan border, the cold air freezing the tears on your face.

A/N: my bad if there's mistakes, I'm sick and this screen is hurting my eyes. Also in the books at least, they use bells instead of like, "6pm" but anyway-. I don't know if I wanna make a part 2 or leave this as a stand alone. Stay tuned to see if this sickness takes me out.

[lady-ashfade]

Can you too a six of crows x male reader who is always clumsy and shy but yet they love to tease him about it (it can be a female reader if you want )

But he’s just so cute.

Poly!Six of crows x Male!Clumsy!Reader

Of course I’m doing it, it so freakin cute to think about. Because as a very clumsy person myself, I think we’re fun. Also you didn’t tell me if you wanted romantic or not, so I just did what I felt was right.

Warnings: Reader being a bit of a air-head, small cuts and wounds, short, slight teasing.

You had a funny way of always walking into a room, either it was hitting your hand on the door frame, or tripping somehow. The crows were all over you, maybe just watching and cooing at how clumsy you are.

The first time they really noticed this was when you walked into your own room door, the handle didn’t work right. You couldn’t open it in the first try, and you didn’t even think about it as you tried to walk in but got face full of wood. But when they finally noticed you weren’t going to stop doing it, they fixed the damn thing. Because even if it was adorable, they didn’t like the bruising beginning to form on your forehead or nose.

“Sweetheart,” Nina batted her eyelids at you and stopped you by placing a hand in front of your chest, “There’s a hole in the floor.” She pointed down. A big hole in between the wood planks would sure injure someones leg. She watched your shy smile and look of shame, “Thank you.” Your pout and shyness had her freaking out. Nina just grabbed ahold of your arm and pulled you back and out of the old shop, nothing caught her eyes.

Lets just say you had bruised and small cuts all over yourself. The crows always had a eye on you. You could trip down the stairs again, almost giving them a heart attack when you first did it.

“Ten bucks says he walks into the table.” Jesper jokes and the group glares at him. “Don’t joke like that.” Wylan hit his chest and glared softly at him. “He already did that twice today, he can’t possibly do-” Matthias began to speak until he saw you bump into the table again. Jesper laughed as he called it.

“I swear I’m going to wrap him up with pillows.” Kaz groans and he stands up to make his way over to you. Inej just shakes her head, maybe she was was slightly amused but this was always happening.

Inej eyed you as you talked to kaz with a shy smile and tell him the story, him slightly already teasing you about it. “How he can always be a dangerous to himself at every moment is truly a wonder,” she looked at them and a smirk grew, “But he’s just so cute.”

They always cover the table or corners of everything if you bend down, knowing you’ll most likely hit your previous head. They also carry around bandages and band-aids for you. Anything they can have to prepare they have it. But kisses to each wound you have is a must. Cuddles even for the tiniest scratches.

Wylan doesn’t allow you near his things. Because you accidentally knocked over important vials, or you made a tiny explosion once and he had to pull you into the ground to protect you. “I love you, but this” he smiled while onto of you, not angry at all “This can’t happen again.” And he kissed you on the nose.

But they all tease you any chance they get, like it’s frustrating honestly. “My clumsy boy.” Jesper would say as he helps you down the stairs. Or when Inej would take away anything sharp away from you, “Let me handle these.” And she never let you touch her knives. Kaz wouldn’t let you on mission, but he would let you plan them with him. Because you were pretty smart at those things. Kaz will hold onto your waist when you’re about to fall, he would smirk at you just as acted.

Overall I think they would tease you a lot, even about things that happen months before. But you’re their clumsy man, and they will always love that about you.

[jackwolfes]

wesper, honestly right now i want some combo of 12 (in grief), 17 (to distract), and 30 (to comfort)

a kiss in grief, to distract and comfort

Of all the strange places someone could be in this ridiculous mansion, Wylan finds Jesper on the roof of the boathouse.

The sky is as clear as it can get in Ketterdam, which is to say not very, but there isn't any rain. Wylan doesn't think there will be any time soon, either. It's almost summer, anyway, and the icy storms of winter are long behind them.

A lot is behind them now, but it doesn't always feel like it.

Wylan spots Jesper from the living room. He'd been looking for him with concern growing slowly in his chest like a sapling taking root, but as he passed by the glass doors leading to the garden he caught sight of teal sleeves.

"How did you get up there?" Wylan calls from the stone path just below. Jesper turns around, seeming surprised to have had his strange musings interrupted.

"I sprouted wings, merchling. Like the Kheergud. What do you think? I found a ladder."

It makes Wylan roll his eyes, but a ladder is better than trying to scramble up using footholds in the ageing walls. He makes his way around the boathouse till he finds it, then clambers up to sit at Jesper's side.

There is no smile on Jesper's face when Wylan perches beside him. They don't say anything to each other for a long moment, opting instead to stare out at the canal as the world floats by. He spots ducks. It's been a couple of weeks since Inej left Ketterdam. In three days, Wylan's mother will come home. He has been counting down the days, itching for her return.

Wordlessly, Jesper leans backwards until his back rests flat. He stretches his legs out, too, turning his eyes up to the sky. Wylan watches him until he's still once more, then does the same, except he turns his head to look at Jesper. The profile of his face is truly beautiful. The shine of sadness in his eyes is unmissable, although Wylan knows he isn't going to talk about it.

"You know Matthias had a pet?"

Wylan refocuses on Jesper's face when he speaks, grey eyes still watching the heavens.

"A fucking wolf," Jesper continues. "Nina told me. How ridiculous is that?"

"Most Druskelle have wolves," Wylan replies. Jesper makes a half-audible huffing noise that Wylan thinks was meant to be laughter.

If there is one thing that Jesper Fahey excels at it is hiding his pain, but after everything Wylan can see past all his usual tricks — and either way Jesper seems too worn down by now to bother. He presses his palm to his eyes, chest rising as he inhales deeply like it's all he can do to stop a flood breaking through the dams of his ribcage.

With a sigh Wylan rolls onto his front, hovering over Jesper and staying close because he can do nothing else to offer comfort. Jesper wraps an arm around him and pulls him close, tucking his face in the crook of Wylan's throat. Everything hurts and nothing is okay.

Wylan kisses his forehead, then his nose. It's a paltry way of calming Jesper's tears but there's nothing more that Wylan can offer. He feels Jesper scrub his hand over his eyes — still clinging to Wylan with the other one — and leaves another kiss on his nose.

How it devolves into their mouths meeting and a kiss growing, Wylan isn't sure, but he knows that this is what Jesper needs from him. Lying beneath the foggy clouds and the stars they hide, Wylan kisses him, hoping that it can take Jesper just a few steps away from his pain. They'll need to talk about it before he tries and buries it again, covered with the bandages of bad decisions, but for now Wylan will do this. He parts his lips, working Jesper's mouth open so he can sink his tongue past his teeth. They shift and adjust till Wylan is all but straddling one of Jesper's thighs, kissing him into the surface below. As if to soothe himself or just hang on Jesper clings to the fabric bunched around Wylan's hips.

They stay like this for what might be aeons until naturally they start to slow. Wylan feels sadness of his own simmering and surging, grief welled up inside him too. He is just as lost as Jesper now, and doesn't yet trust the safety they've been promised.

"The money is going to hit your account any day now," Jesper whispers. Wylan has a feeling that that has something to do with the sorrow and the tears.

"I'll buy you something pretty with it," Wylan offers. "We can get a pet."

Jesper chuckles. "Like a wolf?"

"Maybe not a wolf," Wylan replies. "I was thinking more like a cat."

Below him, Jesper smiles. It is not exactly a happy smile, but Wylan can tell that it is an honest one. Jesper isn't hiding his hurt from Wylan — and that thought makes something scary start to beat in Wylan's chest — but for right now the sight of truthful emotion on his face is enough.

Wylan kisses him again, and hopes it helps.

[munsonownsmyass]

When Snow Falls

Matthias Helvar x reader

Summary: Caught outside during a snowstorm, you're thankful your fjerdan neighbor comes to your rescue.

Authors note: This is my contribution to the TFC challenge. Us girlies on the Thirsty for Cox discord thought it would be a fun idea. Masterlist to all the stories will be linked here, once it's out.

Also, you can't tell me Matthias Helvar isn't either a virgin or very inexperienced. Look at how he acts around Nina in Shadow and Bone. This is the hill I die on. But maybe I'll change that 😜

Warnings: pining... so much pining its disgusting. Fluff, some fjerdan language (everything should be translated). Kissing, SMUT! 18+. The softest sex (unprotected) I've ever written. I'm so sorry, but they're in love.

Hajefetla means Songbird

Part 1 -

It didn’t take long before the leaves fall from the trees and the winds started getting colder. Winter was coming and while others might hate this time of year, this was one of the reasons you moved here. You had always loved the snow and knew Maine had some cold, snowy winters and you just couldn’t wait to be curled up in a blanket next to the fire, looking out over the snow-covered forest.

A week later you got your wish. The first day of snow fall was an absolute dream. Röed was running around, trying to catch the falling snow while you just stood there on the porch, watching quietly as the warm colors of autumn gave away for winter. In no time at all, a white blanket covered the forest. Almost like the forest was getting a clean slate.

The daily trips through the forest were getting harder, but you still did them. Mostly because Matthias often was waiting with some hot chocolate or mulled wine, if you made the journey to his house. The two of you had gotten friendlier. Matthias was still shy at times, but slowly he opened up and told you more of his home and past. He hadn’t lived an easy life, so you were glad he had found some peace here in the wilderness.

And so had you. Never felt more at home, like you’d finally found your place. You had also found inspiration again, the words flowing out onto the pages. A certain encounter had ignited the light within you and you already had several chapters of your newest novel ready. Some day you would have to thank Matthias for the inspiration.

Pushing away from the desk, you need a break after a long day writing. Röed nudges your hand, whining softly. You know she wants to go out, but the weather had taken a turn for the worse. Arguing with her on how it’s gonna be a short trip, you put on your coat and boots, nearly getting knocked over by the wind when you open the door. Before you can stop her, Röed runs off into the woods.

“Röed, stop!” You try, but she doesn’t listen. Running after her, you hope you catch her before she gets to far. The forecast had called for a storm and you did not want to get stuck out here. Soon you loose your orientation, seeing nothing but white and trees.

“Röed! Come here girl!” You shout, barely audible over the strong wind. The cold is seeping through your clothes, making you shiver. Limbs start to go numb, and you can barely move your fingers, trying your best to shield them from the cold. “Where are you?! RÖED!”

You fight through the thick dunes of snow, feeling like you hardly move as the winds keep knocking you back. Everything is white and you can’t see where you are anymore. Slowly you start to panic, imagining the worst. What if you don’t find your way home? What if you get lost? Fuck. What if you freeze to death?

“HAJEFETLA!! Over here!” You hear a voice in the distance, distorted by the heavy winds. Looking around, you see nothing besides snow and trees. “Matthias?!”

“Come on, we need to get out of the storm!” He shouts, taking your hand in his as he guides you through the storm.

Suddenly, you feel a pair of strong arms wrap around you and without thinking you scream. “Calm down, min hajefetla.” Matthias says softly, turning you around to face him. Relived to be saved, you lunch forward, throwing your arms around him.

“But Röed… I need to find her!” You sob, the exhausting and cold starting to break you down. Matthias stops when he hears the distress in your voice, pulling his coat off before wrapping it around you.

“She’s already in my cabin. That’s why I came looking for you.” His words are soft, laced with concern for you. You tug at the coat, realizing he must be freezing. But before you can take it off, he stops you with a smile. “I’m Fjerdan. I’ve been through worse.”

Outside, the snow keeps falling, the dunes growing at a rapid speed. It wont take long before the house is covered and you won’t be able to leave. With a gentle tap on your shoulder, you look up to find a hot cup of tea and as you take it, Matthias sits down beside you, looking out through the window.

Stumbling through the front door, you are instantly hit by the warmth of his cabin. Röed and Trassel greets you both as you shed the cold and wet layers. You mutter a curse under your breath and Röed knows she’s in bad standing, hiding her muzzle in Trassel’s side. In a matter of seconds, you’re placed in front of the fire with a blanket, while Matthias is warming some water.

He keeps looking at you, making sure you’re okay. The kind gesture makes you smile, the butterflies in your stomach you're always feeling in his presence, suddenly feeling like an entire swarm.

“What?” you grin, hating the way the sound of Matthias speaking his native tongue makes your body tingle. He smiles softly, cheeks turning pink as he leans in a little closer. “It means ‘Welcome and wait out the storm’. Since we’re stuck, I might as well teach you some Fjerdan.”

“Looks like you have to stay. I won’t let you out in that storm again.” You just nod, silently agreeing. Matthias takes some of the blanket, before he holds up the cup in a cheer. “Jormanen end denam danne näskelle.”

The hours go by as the snow grows higher. It’s lucky Matthias was used to weather like this from home, so he had already stuck up on food, beverages and enough firewood for a day or two. You silently thank Röed for running off, cause if you’d been stuck at home, you would probably have freezed to death or starved. Not much of a survivalist, you’re very thankful you have Matthias. Especially now, as he turns out to be quite good company. With most of the shyness gone, you’ve talked nonstop since you came.

“So… ‘Dja jarmin ness’? is that right?” You try and by Matthias’ soft giggle, you realize you’re way off. Punching his shoulder playfully, you feign being hurt. “Well, tell me then.”

Still giggling, Matthias stops the chopping and look at you. Trying to compose himself. “Dje janin ess.” He speaks softly looking deep into your eyes. You swallow hard, fighting hard to resist him. How easily it would be to just lean in, feel his soft lips against your own. But you look away, fingers fidgeting with a loose sting in your jeans.

“What does it mean?” You ask, voice barely above a whisper as you look up at him again. His sky blue eyes find yours and for a second you forget how to breathe. Somehow, you always forget just how beautiful he is. He leans in close and all you can focus on is how desperately you want to kiss him.

“It’s a swear word.” He grins as he pulls back, resuming his chopping. Letting go of the breath you didn’t even knew you were holding, you feel embarrassed at how you expected something else, your whole body feeling like it’s on fire.

“Don’t you guys have any sweet words or sayings? You’ve only taught me oaths and swear words.” You huff out, trying to hide how flustered you are under a cover of annoyance. Matthias just smiles, dropping all the vegetables into the soup, before he leans against the counter with his arms crossed across his chest.

“I was a Drüskelle. We live hard lives. We are not soft men.” He looks to the floor, the memories of his past coming back, making you not quite believe the last statement. From what you’ve seen, Matthias did seem softer than most, kind. He sighs, before turning back to the pot. “We don’t talk much.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” You counter, causing him to smile wide. “Still… What would you say to a woman you love?”

He is silent for a while, stirring the soup. You fear the question was too much, ready to apologize when he speaks. “I would call her ‘min hjerte’. It means ‘My heart’ or...” He pauses, barely able to meet your eyes. “‘Min hajefetla’.” With the last words, he looks deep into your eyes.

“But… But that’s what you call me.” You breathe out.

“Yes.” His voice is low, like he’s afraid to speak the words. They hang between you like an unspoken prayer, a soft plea for you to head. After all this time, was he feeling the same way you did? You reach out, about to take his hand when your phone rings, startling you both. Frustrated, you take the call and jump of the counter.

“Mom, I’m fine.” You say, sending Matthias an apologetic look. “No, of course I’m not outside in the storm. I’m with Matthias and-” You pause, interrupted by your mother. Cheeks slowly turning pink, you look to Matthias before walking away. “It’s my neighbor. Look mom, I’ll call you later.”

You hang up, muttering an apology to Matthias, before returning the phone to your pocket. He stirs the pot, the moment from before gone. You set the table and most of the meal is in silence. You talk some, but the tension in the room is hard to ignore.

After you’ve cleaned the dishes, whipping them in silence beside Matthias, he takes the towel from your hand and look at you with a heartbreakingly sweet smile. “I have an idea, if… If you want to help me?”

30 minutes later you look at your little masterpiece. In the living room, on the floor in front of the fireplace, were now a makeshift bed. Lots of pillows, blankets and mattresses, making sure it would be very comfortable. The winds were picking up and every other room was cold, so Matthias had suggested making a bed here. You agreed, not because of the logic of it, but because deep down you had a small glimmer of hope that the moment in the kitchen weren’t completely lost.

It doesn’t take long before you’re both comfortable there, enjoying the warmth of the fire while watching the tv. Christmas movie marathon. You couldn’t wait for Christmas, always loved this time of year. Your family was coming in a week, staying over the holidays and you couldn’t wait to show them how beautiful this place was.

“What are you doing for Christmas?” You ask before you can stop yourself. Matthias just huffs, looking at the tv as he picks another piece of candy from the bowl. “I’m gonna sit here alone.”

You could kick yourself. You knew his family was killed when he was younger, which was why he had joined the Drüskelle. He had left his whole life behind and probably didn’t have anyone besides you, Röed and Trassel.

“Would-” You pause, trying to muster up the courage, afraid he’ll say no. ”Would you wanna spend Christmas with us?”

When he doesn’t answer right away, you mentally kick yourself, afraid you overstepped. But then he takes your hand in his, giving it the lightest squeeze. “You… You really want me to spend Christmas with your family?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t want you to sit alone.” You say softly, turning towards him and look into his eyes. You cup his cheek, fingers trembling slightly. Here goes nothing. “But mostly I wanna spend Christmas with you… If you want?”

In an instant, his lips are on yours, the kiss soft and warm. It’s delicate yet still sends shivers down your spine. One hand is still holding yours, the other resting gently on your thigh. The kiss is short, but till the best kiss of your life.

“I do want that. But wouldn’t your family think it’s weird?” He asks, face flustered as he looks into your eyes, his full of glee. You match the grin on his face, already knowing that from now on you’ll do whatever you can to keep that smile on his face.

“Definitely not. My mom’s been pestering me about finding a man, so she would love it if you were there.”

“Oh, so I’m your man now?” He chuckles, playfully tickling your sides. You try to push him away, to no avail since he’s huge and built of pure muscle. He continues his onslaught, grinning at the sound of your giggles. When he finally listens to your pleas to stop, you find your self on your back, Matthias' wide frame over you. His leg is slotted between yours, his thigh rubbing dangerously close to your clothed core.

There’s a softness in his eyes as he looks at you, like you hung the stars from the sky. He leans on one elbow, his free hand brushing away a stray hair before he runs his thumb along your jaw. “Min hajefetla.”

His lips claim yours again, this time the kiss is more passionate. His wide frame cage you in under him, pressing you softly into the mattress under you as he deepens the kiss. Overwhelmed by desire for him, unable to hold back any longer, you pull him closer. One hand on his back, feeling his muscles dance under your fingers, the other entangling in his hair.

Moans fill the air as he presses closer, his hips now fully slotted between your thigs. His desire is palpable, his hard length pressing against your already wet core. But suddenly, he pulls away, breathing hard as he tries to compose himself.

“Is something wrong? If you don’t want to, we don’t have to.” You say honestly, but still hoping he just needs to breathe. You’re already soaked for him, never wanted anyone like you crave him in this moment.

“It’s been a long time.” He confesses, a soft tremble to his voice. “And… There’s only been one… before.” He looks away, face red with embarrassment. He might think it’s humiliating, but it’s far from it. Only makes you like Matthias more, proving that he is just the sensitive soul you thought he was.

“It’s okay. We can take our time.” You plant a soft kiss on his cheek, before claiming his lips gently. His kiss is still hesitant, but slowly it grows deeper, his tongue eagerly dancing over yours. Prepared to not go further, you’re surprised when Matthias breaks away to pull his sweater off. With idle fingers, he pull at the hem of your t-shirt, pulling it over your head. The rest of your clothes soon follows.

It’s not wild and hard, but soft and passionate. Taking your time, your hands explore his body, storing every inch of him to your memory. Hardly any sound is uttered, only soft moans now and then. Although you ache to feel him, you revel in this. You simply just want to be in his arms, feeling him close. You kiss again and again, as if you have all the time in the world.

You feel his hard cock rub against your wet slit, begging for entrance. You wrap your legs around his waist, kissing him deeper as he pushes in. Gasping, you feel how every inch stretches you open as he thrust in slowly. He moans your name, kissing you neck. It’s achingly slow, but it feels like heaven. Every thrust of his hips sends bolts of pleasure through you, making you quiver under him. it’s sweet and sensual, just what you both had needed for so long.

You look into Matthias’ glistening eyes, a look of pure devotion on his unguarded face as he hits that sweet spot inside you, feeling the way you clench around him. Your bodies move together in a slow, desperate rhythm. You whisper Matthias name, falling from your lips in a quiet chant. Both your bodies screaming with pleasure, every inch of your skin prickling with bliss.

As the day grows darker and the snow covers the cabin, you and Matthias are lost to the world, knowing nothing but each other and pure bliss. The storm silenced for a moment, only the beathing of your hearts filling the air. It wasn’t so bad, after all, to be snowed in.

TFC girls: @e-dubbc11 @mindidjarin @idrinkcoffeeandobsess @itwasthereaminuteago @phoebe-danvers @mattmurdocksscars @saintmurd0ck @a-bang-for-your-bucky @pedrito-friskito

Tagging: @lucy-sky @our-chaos

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Birdsong: The Moon Will Sing

Fandom: Grishaverse-Six of Crows Summary: They're technically there on business, but Matthias' only job is to look big and intimidating. No one can really blame him for letting his eyes wander towards the stage. Warnings: Mentions of canon-typical trauma and mentions of homophobia Word Count: 7,937 Ship(s): Matthias Helvar/Nina Zenik, Kaz Brekker/Matthias Helvar/Jesper Fahey/Inej Ghafa/Wylan Van Eck

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Matthias Helvar had known Kaz for nearly five years and had been romantically intertwined with him for the majority of that time. He knew the other man inside and out, to the point where he was sure that he was more familiar with Kaz than he was with himself. He was able to point to the motions that the other man made when he was feeling self-conscious (tugging on the lapels of his shirt or readjusting his gloves so that they covered more of his wrists) or when he was upset about something (a cute creasing of his forehead and chin). He knew how to tell Kaz’s moods apart to the point that he was able to avoid the mindfield of anxiety, something that their boyfriend Wylan still struggled with despite having been together with Kaz for longer.

Despite this, trying to figure out why Kaz did what he did was still nearly impossible at times.

They were sitting in the office space of the apartment above the Crow Club, which was the bar that Kaz owned. Matthias worked for him as a bartender and bouncer when he was in between his set-building gigs, so he was very familiar with the space in both a professional and personal context. It had originally just been a spare room that was full of boxes and an abandoned desk that Kaz had inherited from his late brother. After Inej had finally snapped Kaz out of his brooding, he had transformed it into a place where he could work and also host his partners.

The desk was now pressed against the wall with the window so that plenty of natural light could illuminate the space when Kaz was working during the day. There was a simplistic brick fireplace on the wall kitty corner to the window, the mantle of which was now decorated with plenty of pictures of their partners. Matthias’ favorite was the one that they had taken when Jesper had finally graduated after clawing his way through the ableist secondary education system. They had all been hugging him, with Inej and Wylan kissing either of his cheeks while Matthias prepared to pick him up, Kaz standing slightly away from them but beaming one of the truest smiles he had ever worn.

The place that they occupied in the office at the moment was on the wall opposite to the desk, where two chairs were on either side of a low coffee table. It was currently covered in a stack of books that Jepser had no doubt left as he and Wylan cleared out their apartment so that they could move into the estate Wylan’s father had accidentally left to him in his will.

Matthias smiled softly to himself as he remembered the plans that they had been making to move into the vast mansion, so that all of them could finally be in the same place. Inej moved around a lot with her acrobatics troupe, especially since she was also following leads to try and get back in contact with her brother after the two of them had been separated by the cruelty of the foster system. Matthias missed her dearly, she had been in Germany for almost four weeks now, but he understood her desperation to find her family. If his hadn’t banished him from his home for simply admitting that he had fallen in love with a man, he would have been flying back to Denmark as often as he could just to visit with them.

“Are you listening to me?” Kaz asked, snapping him from his thoughts.

He turned back to his boyfriend and shook his head truthfully. Kaz rolled his eyes, though there was affection in the dark color of his irises. “I was simply detailing that I need to have you with me while I’m working today.”

“What do you need me to do?” he asked. It sounded more serious than the last couple of jobs that he had been asked to do, which mostly revolved around him listening in to conversations and scanning the types of people that were asking to be let into the bar so that he could find out whether or not the surrounding business owners were trying to bring Kaz down. It didn’t feel real, even without saying it out loud, more like his life had become half a movie. 

“I want you to come with me to look like the terrifying wall of muscle that you are while I meet someone for business,” Kaz replied.

Immediately alarm bells began to go off in the back of Matthias’ mind. He trusted his boyfriend with his life, that much was certain, but he was also worried about the kind of mischief that Kaz was stirring up. Inej had made him promise that he would keep their life interesting enough that their partner wouldn’t get into anything he couldn’t get himself out of, she had called it ‘Kaz’s enrichment time’, and with good reason. Whenever Kaz got more bored than he decided he was willing to handle, he stirred the pot and riled up the people around him. It was one of the reasons that he would never be able to settle with one partner and jumped right into a polycule with his two best friends.

He sat forward, threading his fingers together so that his hands were hanging low between his legs. He knew that Kaz liked it when he looked like that, chiseled and sullen and serious but putty in his hands. “What kind of business?”

“Calm down, it’s nothing that you’re going to have to tattle on me to Inej about. There’s an old bar owner that is thinking about retiring so I wanted to convince him that he should give his land and building to me,” he replied easily, leaning back in his chair. He was wearing a simple black button up with a pressed pair of slacks, his gloves off and on the table since it was just the two of them together.

“You want me to come with you so that we can convince the man that we are going to steal his bar from him because I am strong?” Matthias asked, half confused and half teasing.

“No, I want you there to show him that I’m serious. I know that you’re aware how much people think that they can underestimate me,” his nose wrinkled for a second as he said that. Matthias did remember what had happened the last time that a potential business partner had tried to undermine Kaz because of his disability. The ire that had flown out of his boyfriend had been both terrifying and the most attractive thing that he had seen to date. It had taken all four of their partners three hours to manage to convince Kaz that he didn’t have to go after the man and show him what it was like to have his disability, and Kaz still brought it up sometimes when he was in a sour mood. The smaller man rolled his shoulders as he said, “I don’t want him to think that he can take advantage of me because I’m smaller and disabled. I’m bringing you so that you can ward off any assholes that think they can schmooze up to him instead of waiting their turn and so that he sees someone with a more stereotypical masculinity during the meeting.”

“So I am eye candy?” Matthias smirked. He knew that the underlying message that Kaz was struggling to convey through his veneer of business was that he trusted Matthias. There were actual employees that he could bring with him on this trip that would likely be more helpful, but he had chosen his boyfriend, who had absolutely no experience in the business world, because he both wanted to spend time with Matthias and trusted him to know the more intimate details of his life. It made his chest feel warm, reinforcing that the life he had chosen for himself was the correct one despite all of the pain that had come with it.

Thankfully, his boyfriend had interpreted the teasing in the way that Matthias had meant it instead of in an actually cruel way like he had towards the beginning of their friendship. He leaned forward after carefully moving his knee to the side so that he didn’t bend it in a painful way. “For me and for him. But mostly for me,” Kaz replied with a smirk.

Matthias leaned forward the six inches over the coffee table that separated them and brought their lips together in a sweet kiss. 

Early on in their relationship, they had realized that they needed a way to convey where boundaries laid on certain days due to the trauma that certain members of their polycule had. Wylan, Inej, and Kaz would rate their ability to be touched out of ten when they were in a place where they could possibly meet up with their other partners. If someone rated themselves at a one, then it meant that they absolutely could not be touched unless it was life-or-death, and a ten meant that they were willing to do whatever with however many partners. Matthias and Jesper gave their own ranking as well, especially after finding out that they did have some boundaries when it came to touch that they had ignored by accident before getting together with the others.

That morning, Kaz had told them that he was tentatively hovering around an eight. He usually hung down around four or five on working days and had never quite gotten up to a ten. Matthias knew that he would love and cherish his partner no matter where he was on the touch chart, but he was glad when he got to have those intimate skin-to-skin moments with him.

---

Later that night, Matthias was waiting in the bar for Kaz to come down. He had dressed somewhat nice, but simplistic enough that he wouldn’t be standing out compared to his ‘boss’ for the night. He had chosen a pair of straight legged black jeans with the belt that Wylan had given him for his last birthday, an interwoven black and brown leather with a wolf carved buckle. He was wearing  simple black t-shirt underneath his favorite leather jacket, the one that Inej had helped him paint the back of. It was a series of runes that spelled out their names and his relationship with each one of them on five different roses. The edges were a little cramped on one side with the other empty, since they weren’t sure how big it was going to be when they started.

Matthias felt his heart jump in his chest when he heard the telltale thump-thump-thump of Kaz’s cane as he made his way through the quickly filling bar. Someone had turned ACDC onto the jukebox in the corner, they hadn’t been able to secure a band to play live music during that week, which was a strange dichotomy to what was in front of him.

Kaz was wearing a pair of black slacks and well shined shoes. He had on a red vest over the top of a white button-up shirt, tie-less, with his heavy overcoat resting over the entire ensemble. He had the uncanny ability to choose clothing that hugged his body in all the right places so that he could appear however he wanted to people looking in on him. Matthias knew for a fact that he had a simple knee brace on today, unable to make due with only k-tape, but it was hidden perfectly underneath the fabric of his pants.

“Are you ready to go?” the other asked as he stopped in front of his boyfriend. 

“I am if you are, boss,” he replied, ramping up his accent because he knew what it did to his partners.

Kaz tried to ignore it, but Matthias wasn’t looking at his face to tell if he was flustered. Instead he paid attention to the tips of Kaz’s ears, which had already gained their telltale red color. He smirked as he followed after the other man, a half step away from him so that there was plenty of room for Kaz to maneuver the busy sidewalk with his cane but not so far away that any of the passers-by could get in between them.

The bar that they were going to be meeting the future business partner at was a neutral-territory space that was more of an old fashioned lounge than anything else. The building was an old theater from the fifties that had been renovated to hold the kind of company it served to. The front of the building had teal tile on the of the walls and several signed vintage posters hanging where the advertisement for new films would have been back in its heyday. The large, vintage-styled neon sign read ‘The Blue Jay’ in a loopy font that strobed every so often. There was someone in the booth up front taking tickets from people, two of which Kaz was able to supply before he and Matthias stepped in.

The inside had the original hardwood floors, scuffed and marked up from when they hadn’t been taken care of but easily refinished. The walls were wainscotted with the same dark wood as the floor and the paint on the upper half was a soothing blue. The front foyer had a bar with two stools, obviously not a place that they wanted people to be occupying unless they were waiting to get their drinks from the tender. The outside of the bar was set up to look like the concession stand would have in the fifties, complete with candy wrappers from that time period. 

There was another worker that checked their coats, which allowed Matthias to ogle at the expanse of his boyfriend’s shoulders underneath the neatly pressed vest and shirt combo he was wearing.

“Would you like something to drink?” Matthias asked as he jerked his head over to where the bar was. The chalk menu behind him was intriguing, especially since there were several cocktails that he had never heard of before and wanted to try.

“We both need to remain as sober as possible during this job. If it’s going to result in me buying the property then I want to make sure that I don’t have the wool pulled over my eyes because you wanted a shot or ten,” Kaz teased. 

The first time that they had gone out, it was to a bar. Kaz spent most of his time in clubs and bars because of his job, so it only made sense. Matthias had thought that a little alcohol would lubricate the date a bit, but it turned out that his partner had a competitive streak a mile wide and a very low alcohol tolerance. A lot of things had happened that night, all of which Matthias remembered and none of which Kaz did.

They walked over to the theater portion of the club. When he finally got a good look at what the inside space had been transformed into, he was pleasantly surprised. They had kept the through line of the fifties style lounge despite it being an old theater, and leveled out the ground so that it was no longer sloped but was covered in the same hardwood as it had been through the door. Ten to fifteen tables littered the walls of the surrounding area, staggered so that people would be able to see up to the stage properly without others getting in the way. They each looked about identical except for the different bird feather and fake flower in each of the vases. 

“Come,” Kaz said as he walked towards an empty table. It was the third closest to the stage on the left side of the wall. It had a yellow tulip and a crow feather in the vase, both of which swirled when Kaz collapsed down into his seat.

Matthias could easily see how much his bad leg was bothering him that day. He wanted to be able to help, and he was sure that he could convince his partner to let him once they were back in the privacy of Kaz’s apartment above their own club. He took the seat next to his boss, pointed slightly towards the stage despite the fact that it was still empty since it was only seven in the evening. 

There were quite a few other people milling about the space, which was why it was a ticketed event, Matthias realized. They were all dressed nicely, as he and his boyfriend were, and chatting amongst each other. A couple of the individuals had even come to match the theme of the lounge, with bright colored tailored dresses that had huge skirts. 

“How did you find out about this place?” Matthias asked. While Wylan was a bit more partial to the Victorian aesthetic (a product of him leaning pretty heavily into the mad scientist title that had been used to tease him the entire time that he was in college), he was fond of all vintage buildings. They went on a tour of the historical homes around their town every year for his birthday and every person that worked in the vintage thrift shops around town knew them all by name because of how often they got him gifts from there. Matthias was sure that his boyfriend would be enamored with the lounge and would insist on them all dressing up. He would encourage their partner, of course, if only to see Jesper in one of the dresses that were swirling around the other tables.

“I heard about it from a friend of a friend,” Kaz replied cryptically. He was grasping the head of his cane, positioned between his legs so that the bird head was peeping over the nice white table cloth.

“I think that we should bring Wylan here, when we’re not on business,” Matthias suggested, trying to make it sound like he hadn’t been thinking about it for the last ten minutes since they stepped into the lounge.

A small smile slipped over Kaz’s face for just a moment before he gave a little nod. He quickly schooled his expression so that he was cold, calculating, and mostly blank. He continued to flicker between looking at either door at the back of the old theater, waiting for his business associate to show up. Matthias continued to look out over the crowd, assessing who might be the most trouble if the night were to go south. It was a bad habit of his that he was sure he was never going to be able to actually break, not that it was really hindering him when Kaz brought him along for tasks like this.

When the man finally arrived, they were able to identify who he was immediately. He was tailed by two men that were slightly shorter than Matthias and looked about half as competent as he did. They wore identical black shirts and slacks, boring and predictable. The man in the middle was wearing a gray vest over the top of a crisp white button up. He had salt and pepper hair and a full beard that was neatly trimmed to tie the illusion that he was a wealthy business owner up in a pretty bow.

When he arrived at the table, Matthias and Kaz both stood. “Pekka Rollins,” he greeted with a firm tilt to his head. 

“Kaz Brekker,” the other man replied, his accent heavy. He reached his hand across the table and Kaz hesitantly accepted it, obviously uncomfortable with touching a stranger even through the thick weight of his leather gloves. “I was going to apologize for bringing some people to help with the negotiations but I see that you’re already a man of wisdom.”

“This isn’t my first deal,” Kaz replied, sitting heavily back down in the chair that he had been in before. Pekka and one of the men that he had come with took the other side of the table, while one left to go get them something from the bar on the orders of his boss. Kaz and Matthias had both refused when Pekka offered to order them something. 

The lights in the lounge dimmed as three women and a man walked out onto the stage. Pekka turned towards the much younger man and asked, “You don’t mind if we wait to start the negotiations until the first part of their set is over, do you? I think that it would be rude to speak over them.”

“Fine,” he bit out. Matthias knew that he was beginning to wear down from being on someone else’s terf, it had always been a problem for him. That was why it was such a big deal for them to finally move in together, so that he didn’t act like such a wet cat whenever he had to travel to a different part of the city to visit one of them.

Everyone else was returning from getting their drinks and snacks from the bar outside, sitting at their table and facing the stage as they waited for what was yet to come. Matthias assessed the band first to try and figure out what it was going to be since he had entered into the lounge completely in the dark about everything other than the fact that Kaz needed him.

One of the members had long black hair that was artfully styled into an intricate braid on the back of her head. She had golden skin that matched with the green outfit that she was wearing perfectly. It was a baggy silk shirt that had intricate yellow and orange embroidery around the sleeves and collar, tucked into a pair of dress pants with a pair of matching heels. She walked over to one of the seats that were in front of the two bigger instruments with an acoustic guitar.

The next was a woman with dark brown hair that was tied back with two smaller braids to contain the other curls. She had coffee-colored skin and dramatic red lipstick. She was wearing a dark black button up shirt with a matching pair of pants to the one that the first woman wore. She moved behind the drums with a smirk flitting across her angular features.

The man was about the same height as all of the women even though he wasn’t wearing heels like they were. He had blond hair that was styled back to contain the curls a significant amount. He was wearing a teal coat so that he looked similar to the tile on the outside of the building. It hid the lower half of his body significantly, made worse by the fact he picked up the upright bass that had been resting on the back of the stage.

The last woman was the one that really caught his eye. Her rich brown curls were pouring down from the bun that sat squarely on the back of her head. They framed her face and illustrated her high cheek bones and perfectly accented her strong jawline. Her lips were painted with a beautiful red color that paired with the burgundy of her eyeshadow and rose on her cheeks. The curve of her neck brought attention down to where the sweetheart neckline of her shirt hugged at her body. It curved out in the same flow of fabric to that swooped over her arms to make sleeves around her upper arms. The dark red color brought out the undertones of her skin in a way that made her seem vibrant and full of life. She had a silver locket hanging around her neck, the bottom of the heart pointing towards her voluptuous chest. The shirt was complimented with a black pencil skirt that grasped at her hips and the bottom part of her stomach before falling down to her thighs. She had a pair of tall heels on, which would have made her just shy of Matthias’ height.

Her beauty was on par with the goddess that he had seen come out of Inej in the quiet moments that they had stolen away together. She was a walking deity and he couldn’t move his eyes away from her.

The woman with black hair began to play, her delicate fingers dancing over the strings of the guitar as her voice drifted through the now silent lounge area. “Tell me once again, I could have been anyone, anyone else before you made the choice for me. My feet knew the path, we walked in the dark, in the dark. I never gave a single thought to where it might lead.”

It was an interesting sound and not one that Matthias had guessed he would have heard in the kind of place that they were in. He wasn’t as familiar with retro and vintage music as Wylan was, but he preferred the classical stuff to the newer music that Inej and Jesper enjoyed. He wondered what the story behind the song was as he watched the singer leaning in closer to the mic, her eyes closed and scrunching around the edges with untold amounts of pain. She was pouring her heart out to an audience full of people that didn’t know her but were listening to her very soul.

The song continued, this time two voices harmonizing perfectly with each other as they edged closer to the chorus, “All those empty rooms, we could have been anywhere, anywhere else. Instead I made a bed with apathy. My heart knew the weight, ten years worth of dust and neglect. We made our peace with weariness and let it be. The moon will sing a song for me, I loved you like the sun. Bore the shadows that you made with no light of my own. I shine only with the light you gave me, I shine only with the light you gave me.” 

As soon as he had assessed the main singer, his eyes drifted back to the woman that had caught his eye when the band had first appeared. She was singing backup vocals with all of the grace and beauty that someone with that kind of gorgeousness could bring with them. Matthias was unable to tear his eyes away from her even as Kaz reached under the table to try and break him from the reverie that he was melting in. Instead, he just wove his fingers together with his boyfriend’s and continued to stare at the singer.

“Name your courage now, we could have had anything, anything else. Instead you hoarded all that's left of me, swallowing your doubt, like swords to the pit of my belly. I want to feel the fire that you kept from me.” As the song melted into the final chorus, he could almost swear that the woman’s eyes drifted towards him until they locked together. He couldn’t look away, completely enraptured with the woman on stage.

The song ended and the lights came back on, releasing the singers from the stage. They introduced themselves one by one and explained who they were for the patrons that came regardless of the stage draw. “Hello, my name is Alina Starkov.”

“I’m Nikolai Lantsov,” the blond with the bass said.

“Zoya Nazyalensky,” the drummer introduced herself, standing up so that she was visible after depositing her sticks onto the chair behind her.

“And I am Nina Zenik,” the woman that Matthias was still staring at said, giving a wink to the crowd.

The first woman that had spoken started again as she continued the introduction, “Together, we make Shadow and Bone. The song that you just listened to was called The Moon Will Sing and it’s part of our newly released album. We’ll be joining you on the floor and playing a few more numbers throughout the evening. Thank you all for hosting us in the absolutely beautiful Blue Jay.”

There was polite clapping from all the guests before the more traditional muzak that had been playing over the speakers when they first entered resumed. The band left their instruments behind on the stage and exited, two left and two right. Matthias watched Nina as she crossed over the empty space that made up the mostly unused dance floor and walked out towards the bar. 

“I am going to get us something to drink. It would be rude not to try their menu,” Matthias informed his boyfriend, trying to hint towards what he was actually getting at. Kaz gave him an unamused look but waved one of his gloved hands to tell Matthias that he was free to leave. The taller of the two did notice that his boyfriend shot a look towards the door where Nina had just departed, obviously cluing into the growing crush that he had.

Matthias hustled out of the main room so that he could join the other people milling around the bar. He felt slightly naked without his jacket, but it was the kind of place that had to check coats as part of their gimmick so he was putting up with it. He leaned against the counter as he ordered the drink that he was interested in and gin on the rocks for his boyfriend, the only thing that Kaz would drink after their vodka-filled first date. 

“Hello, love,” the sultry voice of the woman from the stage said next to him.

He felt his heart skip in his chest as he watched her fold her arms on the edge of the bar and lean forward to read the menu. The bartender told her to wait for a moment as he got to work on the backlog of drinks that he had now the the siren song of the band was no longer holding the patrons back from ordering.

Matthias shifted his attention back towards the blackboard as he read over the rest of the drinks and what was in them. He would definitely be bringing Wylan back to this place when he was finally able to pry his boyfriend away from the cage that was his most recent lab. He was watching Nina out of the side of his eye, paying attention to every shift in weight as she tried to figure out what she wanted.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when she turned to face him fully and asked, “What’s good here?”

“I am going to be honest with you, I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I was brought here to help someone out and I didn’t even know what this place was going to be until I was standing in it.”

She laughed at that, a bright tinkling noise that made a flock of birds erupt in Matthias’ chest. He felt like he was standing at the edge of the universe when he listened to her laugh, like he was looking out over all of creation, everything that could and would be. Something magnetic was drawing him to the woman, bringing them together despite the fact that they were basically strangers. He didn’t know what kind of a relationship he wanted to have with her quite yet but he knew that he had to get to know her if she would let him.

“What did you order, then?” she asked, gesturing her head towards where the class containing his boyfriend’s drink was already perspiring down onto the lacquered countertop of the bar.

“Gin on the rocks for the person I am with. I ordered myself that one,” Matthias pointed to the board. He had come a long when since he had moved to an English speaking country, better than he had been when he was learning it in school, but the cursive handwriting done with chalk was still difficult for him to decipher well enough to feel confident speaking it.

He felt a little bit guilty for holding out the hope that he might be able to pursue a romantic or sexual relationship with Nina since they barely knew each other, but he couldn’t help the hope fluttering to life in his chest. He was referring to Kaz as someone that he was accompanying and not his boyfriend to try and buffer the chances of them developing some kind of relationship. If he were to come right out with that information, he knew that it would result in something like when they had tried to get together with Wylan. The other man had been hoping for a romantic relationship with Jesper but then immediately thought it was off the table when he heard that Jesper and Kaz were together, despite him also having two other partners at the time. It was something that took a lot of work to disentangle and Matthias wanted to avoid that.

He couldn’t admit that he had a boyfriend for fear of driving her away from the idea of a romantic or sexual relationship springing up between the two of them, but he couldn’t come right out and say that he was in an open relationship because it would appear as though he were coming on to her. 

She hopped up onto one of the bar stools and then patted the one next to her with that same sly smirk falling over her face. Matthias moved the drink he had bought for Kaz closer to himself as he got up onto the stool. “So you’ve never been here either?”

“No. I have a friend that would be very interested in a place like this so I am surprised that it managed to evade me for as long as it has,” he replied with a light chuckle.

“Alina, she’s my bandmate,” Nina supplied quickly, as though Matthias hadn’t been hanging off every word coming from the people on the stage, “she loves places like this. We’re still a pretty small band so we decided that this was the perfect thing to get our name out there without having to perform in the back of a pizza parlor or at a private event again.”

“How long have you been a band?” Matthias asked. The way that she spoke was fixating, her accent causing the words to roll over and off of her tongue in a beautiful, intoxicating way.

“Almost four years,” she laughed. “It took us a while to really get things started, but I have a feeling we’re going to get a good start soon.”

He smiled at her as he tried to ignore the way that having her laugh and smile at him, because of him, turned his heart molten. “I think that you are going to do very well. Your band is talented.”

She beamed, though a teasing glint took over her dark eyes, “You’ve barely even heard us play.”

“I can tell already,” Matthias nodded confidently.

“I hope that you stay for a few more hours so that you can hear us play more,” she smiled. She ordered from the bartender when he finally turned to give Matthias the cocktail that he had ordered. 

He had been so wrapped up in her, that he had barely noticed the other people around them slowly slipping away until there were only three or four people lurking around the front entryway. A few more people were trickling into the front of the lounge, but they quickly walked towards the main theater part of the establishment. He was basically alone with her.

“I guess you have to get back to that person that you came in with,” Nina smirked. She took his glass from his hand and looked at the beverage that he ordered with a raised brow. “I think that there’s actually maple syrup in this, fascinating!”

She was so perplexing and wonderful at the same time, an enigma that Matthias was desperately looking to get to know better. “I was meaning to ask,” he cleared his throat awkwardly. She tilted her head to look at him, as even in her heels she wasn't quite as tall as he was. A blush had spread across his face while he was formatting the sentence in his mind, but it was gone as soon as he saw someone leaving the lounge part of the club.

It was one of Nina’s bandmates, the one with the black hair. She had her hand clamped over her mouth and the other wrapped around her abdomen in a self-soothing hug. Her face was red like people got when they were flushed from trying to hold back sobs, something Matthias was very familiar with seeing in his partners. Upon closer inspection, her shoulders were shaking and tears were streaming down her face as she barreled towards the door.

“Is your bandmate okay?”

Nina looked offended for just a moment, her mouth opened as she snarled, “I beg your pardon? Oh, you’re just like every other man I meet in this line of work. Here I am, thinking that someone could finally show some kind of interest in me and the only thing that you really have to ask about is Alina! Why can’t people understand that we’re two completely different people and I am not a gateway to her-” 

The look dropped off of her pretty features as she turned and saw Alina just making it out of the establishment and then collapsing against the wall outside of doors. Nina swore under her breath as she handed the drink to Matthias and then hurried towards her friend.

He was left standing there, feeling like a complete fool, as she basically ran away from him. He knew that she had to attend to the person that she was quite close to, but it still felt as though he was being abandoned. Every step that she took away from him made his heart feel heavier in his chest.

Before he had too long to brood about it, the sound of his boyfriend’s cane against the hardwood floors took up all the space in his brain as he turned to meet Kaz. “I thought that you were the good one when it came to flirting.”

“I am,” Matthias replied, his mind coming to a screeching halt as he tried to process what that implied.

“You know, that was the reason that I sent you out here. I was interested in her as well, more interested than I am in Pekka’s garbage deal,” his mouth turned down in a sneer. He took the gin from Matthias and then sipped it as he turned so that he was subtly watching the women from the other side of the glass doors. “I trusted you to be able to at least get her number.”

“I am better at flirting than you. When you tried to ask Wylan out on a date he thought that you were trying to fight him for Jesper,” Matthias shook his head. He sipped at his drink and then grimaced as the sweet cocktail coated his tongue. He enjoyed things that were slightly sweet, like the barest trace of powdered sugar on his waffles and the sour Jolly Ranchers that Jesper had stashed all over the house. The drink that he had ordered was dripping in so much sugar that he could already feel it eating away at his teeth.

Kaz muttered something into his drink that sounded an awful lot like, “I thought that it sounded fine.”

Nina had knelt down beside her bandmate, taking Alina’s hand in her own. She was holding the other’s arm with her free hand and taking deep breaths to coax her friend into doing the same. It made Matthias feel even more drawn to her to see just how kind and warm she could be to others. The scathing remarks and her quick tongue had felt like lashing against his soul, but he could understand where the confusion had come from when she was that protective of the other woman.

He set his drink down on the bar and turned away from them slightly so that he didn’t feel quite so voyeuristic. Kaz had no problems with continuing to stair at them as he worked his way quickly through the gin. “How did the deal go?”

“We’ve only delved into the very beginning of it. I can already tell that it’s crap. I told him that I had to use the restroom but I think he could tell that I was coming to speak with you,” Kaz placed the now empty glass of ice down onto the counter. The bartender dutifully filled it up again.

“Does he know…” Matthias trailed off as he reached out and linked the very ends of his fingers together with Kaz’s gloved hands. It was a risky move to do in public when they were trying to sort out business, something that might insight prejudice about them and start more drama than either of them really wanted to deal with.

“I don’t think so. He most likely just thinks that you’re some kind of hidden genius, which is what I wanted him to think,” he puffed up his chest with pride at having his plan go exactly how he had wanted it. He then turned to his boyfriend, a look of fear that only his partners would be able to recognize glinting in his dark eyes, “Not that you’re not intelligent, this just isn’t really your forte.”

“I know why you brought me here, min elsekde,” Matthias replied in a low voice. “I apologize for shifting the job so that I could flirt with that beautiful woman.”

“I hope that you can continue flirting with her after we’ve finished pretending that we can get scammed,” Kaz sighed as he turned his head back towards the lounge.

Neither of them really wanted to go back in there, but for different reasons. Matthias wanted to hang back close to the bar so that he could speak with Nina again, and Kaz wanted to avoid continuing a conversation he had already grown bored of. Still, they had to do what was going to be the right thing to do, so they took their drinks and walked back to the lounge.

---

The next time that Matthias saw Nina, she was back on stage. She had taken the lead on the second song that the band played and her voice was even more beautiful when it was crooning out notes on her own instead of backing up Alina’s. It had still sounded like a gift from the gods then, but it was highlighted far better in the second song that they had chosen.

He could barely even pay attention to the lyrics as he watched how her lips wrapped around the words and the way that her chest heaved for breath after a particularly challenging part of the song. It was hard to believe that someone was beautiful as her had even thought to give him the time of day, even if the last bit of their interaction had gone a bit sour.

The band gave the same introduction that they had last time, though Nina gave the song title and started off the process that time. They got off the stage and once again joined the thrawl of people, which made Matthias lose sight of the woman of his dreams once more. He felt a little bad for thinking so highly of her when he had someone literally carved by the hands of the gods waiting for him to get back home so he could text her goodnight, but he couldn’t help himself.

Kaz and Pekka had talked for the duration of the hour until Shadow and Bone came out to give their second performance. They had just about wrapped everything up prior to the song, so now that it was over they were giving their pleasantries before they left. “I’m glad that we seem to have come to some sort of agreement,” Pekka said as he offered his hand out to Kaz again.

The other man’s nostrils flared in a subtle enough way that Matthias picked up on it, but the failed business partner did not. He took the hand and gave it a brisk shake before he returned his hands to the head of his cane. “I am as well. Feel free to contact me again if you ever change your mind.”

“It is wonderful to see such young, precocious faces in this line of work,” Pekka chuckled as he walked off, is two goons following after him.

Kaz and Matthias returned to the sitting positions that they had been in before. The latter of the two got his phone out of his pocket and texted a quick goodnight to Inej now that he was free to do so. By the time that he looked up, someone else had taken the chair that Pekka had been sitting in only minutes ago.

“Sorry, I’m just going to steal him for a moment,” she promised Kaz before her brilliant eyes were focused entirely on Matthias. “I wanted to apologize for the way that I spoke to you earlier. I didn’t realize that you were actually looking out for Alina, I thought that you were…”

“Trying to get together with her through insidious measures?” Kaz supplied. “Sorry, I overhead. I’ll be getting us some new drinks, you two can talk,” he stood slowly, with the help of his cane. Matthias knew that he had recognized the awkward bite that always came out of him when he was interacting with someone new and was removing himself so that he didn’t ruin his boyfriend’s chances.

Nina laughed as she watched him go, the corners of her eyes crinkling cutely. “I think that he hit the nail on the head, actually. Is that the person that you’re here with?”

“Yes,” Matthias nodded. “We are coworkers.”

“This is an interesting place to come with a coworker,” she said, a bit doubtfully.

His stomach flipped with panic as he realized that she might have seen through his lazy lie and he had just ruined his chances with her. The panic quickly faded from him as she pulled her phone out of her lap from where her hands had been hiding underneath the table. She flipped it over and it was open to the Instagram search bar. “I don’t really text anyone other than my parents, but I would like to get to know you a little better. Give me your handle?”

For the first time, he was glad that Jesper had finally persuaded him to get an account on the app that he rarely ever used. He took her phone and then input his username, tapping the ‘Follow’ button for her so that it sent a request to him. She smiled as she took her phone back, the rosy color on her cheeks only deepening as the real blush underneath surfaced. “I’ll see you around?” she asked hopefully.

“Yes,” he responded, the only word that he could summon from the depths of his lovestruck brain. She gave him a cute wave as she got up and walked over to where the drummer of her band was talking with another person close to the dance floor. Matthias just sat back in his chair and watched her, barely even registering it as Kaz returned with one of the cocktails that he was actually going to like and another gin.

“Did you have a nice conversation?” he asked as he sat down.

Matthias took his drink and sipped it gratefully. He felt a dopey grin cross his face as he said, again, “Yes.”

[ultramarine-spirit]

Hello Mari, I'm not here to ask about something about wmmap but rather about another issue that has been bothering me in particular...

It's about female characters in abusive relationships.

So, I guess you already know that there are quite a few manhwas where the female lead ends up in a relationship with a very abusive male character and everyone hates him for that, right? Well that's not exactly my problem, no one likes to read couples that romanticize abuse, I understand why people hate it, I do it too, especially the male lead. My problem comes with the hatred of the female lead.

Okay, hate the relationship, I hate the guy for being a jerk but I don't like that they hate the female leads for staying with them. Many of these protagonists always have stories where they suffered abuse as children because the father hated them or the family ignored them, etc. At least to me it makes sense that a person who grew up this way can't fully distinguish what is healthy love from one that is not. If all you knew in your life was abuse, then why would you view abuse from your partner negatively?

And with this I do not intend to justify the couple, that it is okay for them to be together and that they should be together, of course not. I am completely against that.

My point is to stop hating fl for choosing the abusive ml!! I feel like that is like blaming the victim, if in a relationship the man is the abusive one and she still decides to stay with him it is still not his fault! Instead of hating the fl by calling it "stupid" or "annoying" they should try to understand the protagonist and hate the author for creating something like that.

I know that many of these stories are not for the purpose of showing an abusive relationship but rather they really sell it as if it were the best love story of all, but if we are able to use our criteria to know that the relationship is wrong then we should be able to understand that it is not the fl's fault for continuing to love her abuser.

I have thought about this for a long time but it resurfaced in me when this new webtoon came out called Beg or better yet, Cry. I have seen many criticize and hate the protagonist, Layla, for staying with Matthias but the girl suffered a lot of abuse, it is not her fault for not knowing what a healthy relationship is, and the guy did everything possible to abuse her.

I come to you because you really are the most reasonable in the entire manhwa community that I have found, those on Twitter are a bit weird (and in fact i saw these types of comments from them) I want to know if I am really the only one who thinks like this and I am overthinking it or not?

(Sorry for the late reply, I've been busy!)

I'm probably going to say something that will get some people mad, but manhwa readers aren't particularly progressive/feminist. Yes, even if most readers are young women and even if they claim to be feminists. So you have situations like the one you just described (I haven't read/seen the manhwa you are specifically referencing, but I definitely believe people would hate a FL based on those reasons), people hating on a FL for not choosing the ML they like, etc. I remember some people were even angry at Athy when she said she wasn't thinking about marriage yet (she is 15-6), because she didn't choose Ijekiel, and also because she didn't kiss Lucas. This misogynistic behavior is also pretty easy to spot just by paying attention to how readers treat any female character that's not the FL (I swear, as soon as a female character is introduced you'll have people commenting "She better not be a bitch" or something along those lines). Stanning the FL means nothing if you think she is the only good female character, or if the only female characters you like are the ones that are subservient to her.

But to be fair, otome isekai manhwa itself is not a particularly progressive genre either, so maybe it makes sense that it attracts readers like that. Of course, there are exceptions, but in general, the most a manhwa will do is portray the FL as a swallow caricature of a "girlboss". MLs are allowed to have plenty of flaws, but the moment a FL doesn't follow that (honestly, very boring) archetype, has ugly flaws, or dares to go against the ML's wishes, a lot of fans will hate her.

My theory is that the manhwa fandom has the worst of both the kpop and anime fandoms, so that's why this happens.

[anonymous1038]

she says she wants to as well (but she is a liar)

@ila-appreciationweek day 7

Pain.

Pure, agonizing pain coursed through Jasper Bright’s entire body, shrieks echoing across the cave as the fire burns him, opened wounds, created lacerations, charring his clothes and singing his skin…

…memories assaulted his mind. Of the night he took Jane’s place. The chemical burning of his flesh, replacing everything human about him with shadowy lashes, becoming one with the Power against his will…

…it made him scream louder. Memories of torture, of flesh being torn apart, of loneliness drowning him in an ocean of suffering with no way to come back up for air.

“A beautiful display of strength, my love.” Matthias’ voice cuts through the air and brings him back to reality as the flames flicker away, the pain lingering and making even the slightest move an impossible challenge. “You did me proud.”

The madman slips his arm around his psycho lover’s waist, a grin crossing her face.

“Thank you dear.”

“No…”

Despair began to cloud Jasper’s mind, as he realized this was the end. He couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything to defend himself.

He was going to die again.

“Sumire goddammit! Don’t do this!” Lincoln shouted.

“Please Sumire, this isn’t you!” Abel’s voice cracked.

“…I guess this is it? You’ll...you’ll…murder me, for more power?” Jasper glares at Sumire with spite, it was the only thing he can do in his state.

“For power? You think this is for power? No.” Sumire glares back. “I was created to die. Do you understand how that feels? Do you know what it’s like to be expected to go to your death for the greater good of everyone but yourself?”

Jasper remembers the night at homecoming, when it was just him and Noah in the ruins, when Jane forced her brother to kill him so he can live.

“Of course I do!”

“No, you don’t. You’ve had your chance at life.” Sumire’s fists clenched. “I never did.”

Her face fills with what looked to be sorrow. “I’m not Sumire, not really. That wasn’t my life. What I had was barely a life. An obsession with fighting this, with finding the thing that would ultimately kill me? That’s not a life. That’s a mission.” Her expression soured again. “I was a thing made to be used. Well, too bad, I don’t want to be used. I don’t want to die.”

(I don’t want to die either…)

“So someone else has to die instead?” Abel glares at her, he looks truly furious at her.

“Yes.” Sumire says matter-of-factly. “I want a life. And the only person who ever showed me I could have one was Matthias.”

Matthias kisses her palm, adoration filling his eyes. Truly a match made in hell.

He points a finger at Jasper’s body, and he began to float towards Sumire, his soon to be executioner. He tried to summon his own power, tried to get away, anything to not die.

But nothing he does is good enough. He was too weak.

He was always weak.

He was too weak to prevent Jane’s death. He was too weak to prevent his friends from splitting apart. He was too weak to prevent Noah from betraying them all.

He was always weak.

“Please…let me go…!” He pleaded, feeling pathetic for trying to reason with two crazed people. He felt tears run down his cheeks, something so human that it made his soon to be death even worse.

He would live like Loha, trapped by an eternal death, tortured for hundreds of years, whose only use was to absorb corruption and release clean Power.

Thoughts of people began to fill his mind.

He remembers how Noah and Connor stuck with him for so long, their tenacity in wanting to try and help him.

He remembers Jocelyn’s change and her desire to redeem herself but too afraid to let herself be vulnerable.

He remembers Abel’s kindness and good humor, always putting others first and wanting to take care of them.

He remembers his friends. 

Stacy and how she seems to always have cheer inside her.

Andy’s strength and fierce protectiveness.

Lily’s kindness and desire to become stronger.

Dan conquering his fears and his compassion.

Ava’s witty quips and continuing to be who she wants to be despite others looking down on her for it.

Lucas and his warm smile. His gentle hands, his laugh…

…and how he would never see him again.

“No one…will ever forgive you…” Jasper chokes out as he was placed on the altar. He wasn’t ready to embrace death a second time.

He wasn’t ready.

“Good thing I’m not looking for forgiveness.” Sumire’s voice held no remorse.

Matthias presses the knife in her hands, and whispers something to her. She whispers back, and soon he steps back after giving her head a kiss.

She raises the knife, and Jasper closed his eyes, and prepared to give out his last statements. His last words.

But before he could, he heard a surprised yelp, and his body was flung off the altar.

Opening his eyes, what he saw kept him frozen in place. Shock covered his body like a blanket.

Sumire had quickly replaced his body with Matthias, holding him in place as he struggles against her hold.

“Sumire what are you-“

“I have plans. But in order to achieve them, I must have the boy intact.” Sumire smiles bittersweetly. “Goodbye, Matthias.”

She raised the knife…

…and plunges it into his heart. Matthias screams, but she kept pushing and pushing until it was through his chest and pinned him to the altar, and the light from his eyes faded away.

The Power began to surge. Blue light enveloped the cavern and it fills Sumire’s body, her eyes glowing blue and she throws her head back in ecstasy.

“Yes…yes!”

Without looking away, she lifts a hand in his direction and flings him away from the others, out of the cavern and hitting his head against a wall of stone.

Jasper falls unconscious, unknown to the fate in store for him that would be far worse than being an anchor once again.

.~.

Lucas Thomas made a promise to his lover the night he was brought back from the dead.

And that was to protect him from whatever evil that wishes harm upon such a sweet, kind person like him. Till the end of time, he would make sure he was safe and protected for now on.

It was a promise he failed to keep. His naivety was what separated him from Jasper once again.

When the news was broken to him, he spent four days holed up in his studio apartment, crying to himself and ignoring any and all attempts from friends who tried to reach out to him. Grief and unbearable despair enveloped him, drowning him, refusing to let him come up for air.

The key in his pocket felt heavy. Like it was mocking him for his inaction.

Lucas wanted to wait for the perfect moment to ask Jasper to live with him. He had the key made before they went to the carnival, in the event he wanted to do it sooner than later. But he remained patient until he was certain his lover can handle being human once again before popping the question.

And now, he may never get the chance to do so.

Jasper Bright was still alive, but he’s still gone.

He had been taken by Sumire. Someone he thought could be trusted. Someone he thought could be a good friend to Jasper as he recovered from being a ghost.

Lucas felt more saddened and dejected by her betrayal than angry. He wasn’t sure why. He got angry at Noah for betraying them all and killing Jasper. But this time, he wasn’t even mad. He was just disheartened.

But even though he wasn’t mad at her betrayal, he certainly can be unhappy about the fact she took away someone important to him.

Again.

But this time, he wasn’t going to sit by.

This time, he’s going to find him and save him again. He didn’t care how long it’ll take.

A chance to have him back was enough.

Lucas took mental health leave so that college wouldn’t be a problem until the near future, and joined the others who wished to get revenge on Sumire to find Jasper.

No matter how long it would take, he will find him.

He’s not letting his love’s second chance at life go to waste.

.~.

Harper Vance was not one to blindly hate on others without good reason.

He believed in the good of others until he was proven wrong.

He believed in his grandpa when he ‘admitted’ to killing his mom and dad.

He believed in Astrid and Vincent, believed that they still have some form of humanity left in them, some care that was only reserved for their daughter.

He believed in Josephine, his grandmother, that she can still be reasoned with.

He believed in Sumire Lunar, believed that she was his friend.

She saved him from that horrible void world, ended his suffering and was the only reason he can feel safe again.

She betrayed him. Betrayed everyone.

Innocent people died because of her. The compassion in her friends died because of her. A friend was taken away because of her.

And he wasn’t there to stop her.

Stupid broken leg, stupid carnival, stupid Blood Moon Ritual. If it weren’t for those things, he would’ve kicked her ass in those caves, could’ve protected Jasper, could’ve stopped all of this from happening.

…he felt helpless.

Like how his parents died, and he wasn’t there to stop them from being murdered.

Like how Elliot was kidnapped, and he wasn’t there to stop Josephine from taking him away.

Like how Josephine murdered innocent civilians, and all because he let it slip that his mother had died.

Like how Richard Sutcliffe drugged him and put him in a coffin to die in a watery grave.

Harper hated feeling useless. Danni made him promise to never shoulder the responsibilities of everything again, but fuck, this felt personal. Like Lunar had taken a piece of his heart and stabbed a knife through it.

It stung much more than the Society turning on them. Because he believed that she was a good person, someone to trust in.

But for some reason, he’s more pissed off at the fact she said something to Tom before the battle was to begin.

That they should kill any and all horrors they find.

He knew Tom had been possessed before, how he didn’t feel like he existed, and how he still has nightmares over homecoming. To know that she said those things to him…it made him more angry than ever.

Harper’s been one of the more active members of the group when it came to tracking down that bitch. Driven by the desire to get revenge, to get someone he considers as a brother despite not being related by blood, those were his main motivations for chasing Sumire Lunar.

He wanted to make her pay.

“Jesus, you look like shit.” Elliot comments as he came into their shared room, documents and notes scattered all around Harper’s bed.

Harper sighed, lying on his back on the bed. He felt exhausted. “I know Scooter.” His leg was close to completing its recovery, soon he’ll have that damn cast taken off him. It was driving him crazy having it on. “I just can’t sleep properly these days…”

“Nightmares? That void world?” Elliot walks into the room, a concerned frown tugging at his lips as he takes up the documents and notes and brings them over to his bed. Harper nods at each guess he listed off. “That bitch-“

“What the- Who taught you that word?” Harper sat up, flabbergasted that his little brother said the B word.

“I’m going to be an adult soon, Harper.” Elliot sighed. “Besides, she deserves to be called that.” He hisses, anger flooding his face at the thought of Sumire.

Elliot had it worse when it came to her. She helped him save his older brother and then proceeded to backstab them all. Not exactly the right ingredients for a good relationship.

“Scoot, you know you can stay out of this.” Harper hugs a pillow to his chest. “You have school to worry about, you don’t need to carry all of this with you.”

“No, I’m not letting you chase a crazy freak by yourself.” Elliot shakes his head vehemently. “She’s going to pay.”

Harper nods, resolute. “Yes, she is going to pay.”

Harper wasn’t going to stop until he finds Sumire, make her pay for what she’s done, and save Jasper.

And when he does find her…

…Richard’s death would be considered to be tame for what he’s about to do to her.

.~.

To say that Jocelyn Wu is pissed off would be the biggest understatement of the century.

Hatred and anger seems to be her only emotions these days. Revenge was one of the only things on her mind. She wanted to get back at the bitch who broke Abel and Amalia’s hearts. She wanted to get back at the bastard that made Bright’s second chance at life a complete hell.

She’s just pissed off at Lunar. Very, very pissed. She was going to make her eat a grenade if it was the last thing she ever did.

After punching one too many holes in the walls of her apartment, Connor suggests that she pick up boxing as a way to de-stress and cope with her feelings of pure hatred towards that piece of shit.

It worked too well.

But right now, Jocelyn isn't boxing or going on a run. Instead, she's walking in the middle of the night to go have a chat with some weapon dealers she managed to get ahold of.

The wind caresses her face and she tugged her jacket closer to her body. Noah said this was dangerous, but she didn't care. If it is dangerous, then it can turn out to be a good thing.

Maybe she could actually focus on something else. And not on that traitorous shitbag that played her friends' feelings with no remorse. (As if you didn't do the same thing with Matthias FuckQuoid...) And not on the guilt she felt with the whole thing about Jasper. And certainly not about that goddamn shit weasel that started all of this crap.

Jocelyn huffs as she enters an alleyway to find the guys she's supposed to meet aren't there.

"Oh what the fuck." She kicked a nearby pebble into the air, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, fuming. "Of course they have to be late. Fucking great."

The wind picks up in speed. She doesn't care.

As she waits, she found herself remembering the past few months and years of her life without her even realizing it. Starting from her childhood, to middle school...

...to high school...

She remembers when she shoved Jasper into a locker just for the heck of it. She can recall the giddiness she felt when the deed was done, and laughing it all off with Cody as they leave him to rot, trapped in a tight space all alone.

According to Lucas, he was having some kind of illusion played on him during that time. All thanks to Jane. If it weren't for him, he would've seen all sorts of shit till the morning comes.

Jocelyn winced.

"God fucking dammit." Her grip tightens on her arms. "...not the time for this."

Her mind couldn't clear the images away.

And suddenly, she was transported back to the cavern. Where everything went so fucking wrong.

She left. She left because she was asked to.

She should’ve known.

She should’ve known something was up with Sumire. She should’ve gone with them.

(You ruin everything around you.)

What was wrong with her?

She sighs as she leans back against the wall, trying in vain to keep guilt and anger out of her brain. It doesn’t work.

She stands there being miserable until she finally heard the people she was going to meet come up.

Fucking finally.

.~.

Sometimes, Noah Marshall would drive over to the caves in the Westchester butte…

(The same cavern that once held Loha prisoner, the same cavern that put someone else in her place, the same cavern that gave birth to a slimy, smarmy, bastard…)

(…the same cavern that resulted in the disappearance of a friend…)

...and cry. And scream and curse and shout like it would do him any good.

"Happy now Matthias McQuoid?!" Noah screamed into the caves, wondering if that shithead could hear him. He doesn’t remember how to get back to where his corpse lies, so he settled to just screaming at the entrance instead. "You fucking- you-"

The words get mixed up in his throat as he feels his hatred boil to the surface...

... he's so tired of feeling angry all the time.

He stomps the ground, frustrated to tears.

"Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit dammit!"

Noah crumbles to the ground, fists clenched and tears run down his cheeks, breathing ragged.

"...dammit..."

Like a switch that has been flipped, his anger was replaced by remorse and regret.

"Dammit..."

He remembers the day with perfect clarity.

The day he failed again. The day he failed a friend.

He agreed to take Connor out of the caves once he was cured. He couldn’t shake the relief he felt when his friend had come back to him, that he was finally safe.

…it made his feelings with Sumire all the more conflicting.

On one hand, she betrayed their trust and took away a friend he tried so hard to save for years. She made him mad.

But on the other hand, she saved a friend. She saved Connor. It may have been to ensure he doesn’t get in the way of her plans, but she still saved him.

God, feelings are so damn complicated.

But in the end, there was always guilt swimming around on that day.

If he had stayed in the caves, maybe he could’ve changed things. Maybe he could’ve saved Jasper.

…if he did, maybe he could’ve prevented Lucas from grieving again.

It wasn’t likely. He wasn’t the best when it came to fighting and he didn’t have a connection to the Power, but maybe there could’ve been a slim chance to change everything.

Noah gets up, drops his arms to his sides, taking in a deep breath, before heading back to his car and back to the warehouse.

The warehouse became their new base of operations, though Connor still lives in the cabin. It was easier to store resources there and it’s a better location for everyone involved to meet up at.

Noah gets to work almost immediately once he arrives, taking a seat in front of a computer to review some footage.

And of course when he clicks on what he wants to see, the screen had to flicker. Groaning, he smacks the monitor a few times before the picture comes back.

“Stupid piece of shit.”

Noah leans back in his chair, getting a cigarette from his pocket and watches the footage of Sumire talking with a receptionist, a particularly large suitcase by her side. A suitcase he knows that must be containing Jasper.

“There has to be something I can use. Anything.”

But there was nothing to be found other than disappointment in the footage. A room key was given and that was that. That’s it.

“Dammit…”

The door opens, and Connor comes inside, though Noah doesn’t look up to greet him, his eyes never leaving the screen. He hears him pulling up a chair and sitting besides him.

“You haven’t slept in over twenty-four hours Noah. You need to sleep.”

“No.”

"You're not gonna miss anything by taking a little break from staring nonstop at the same 5 minutes of footage.

"I said no."

"I know you're angry about what happened to Jasper, but you're not the only one. He was my friend and Lucas...god have you seen Lucas? He's a complete wreck. He hasn't taken a proper rest in days by now. And he completely abandoned his college assignments to join the search. Even though his leave time is up, he still refuses to focus on his studies. If it weren't for Lily, Abel and Amalia, he probably would be kicked out by now."

"Yeah, I know. Sucks that your boyfriend got kidnapped by some power hungry freak when you just got him back."

Noah sighs, feeling so goddamn tired but he doesn’t want to sleep yet. Not now.

“I can’t sleep anyway, might as well make myself useful.”

Connor rubs his forehead as if massaging a headache. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to your infuriating stubbornness.”

“Have you heard from the others yet?”

“Some of them.”

Noah gives a rundown on the people who told them what they did and what they got. He continues on until the door bursts opens once again and Tom steps inside.

“Guys!”

“What?”

“Gather everyone up, now. We found him. We found her.”

.~.

Sumire Lunar cannot tell you why she thinks the way she thinks.

One moment, she could be enjoying the life she supposedly never had, traveling across the world and trying out everything this measly world had to offer.

The next, she could be relishing in the suffering of a pet she adopted.

He should be more thankful really. She could’ve made him into the new anchor and let him suffer like Loha has for hundreds of years.

“Chew.”

She clamps a hand over Jasper’s mouth after shoving a fish inside, bones stuck out like it was a ball stuffed with needles. His eyes squeezed shut, but she can still feel the fear emanating from him.

She savoured it.

Jasper struggled to chew, each bite extraordinarily difficult for him, especially with the added obstacle of the bones inside the fish.

Sumire loved that he was struggling. Her decision to keep him alive as a prisoner was worth it.

A muffled whimper was heard.

Thoughts began to come to mind as she though about how to make this more entertaining for her. Aside from making him take part in rituals and strange practices of the Power, she’s been getting…creative with how she toys with him.

She wasn’t sure why she wanted him to live. Maybe it’s the small part of her that didn’t want him to die. Maybe it’s because she wanted to test her newfound strength against an easy test subject. She didn’t know, but she doesn’t care.

Sumire smirks as an idea came to mind. She brings her palm close to his face, and blue flames appear.

Jasper flinches at the sight, nearly choking on the fish.

“Chew, or I’ll burn more of your pretty face. Those scars aren’t exactly pretty.”

He tries to obey, but he couldn’t. Not exactly.

Sumire was about to burn his face, to add on to the scorched scars littering his features, when the door to the basement opens up, and her loyal servant steps in.

“Ah, it’s you. What is it?” Sumire extinguishes the fire in her hands as she stood up.

The servant tried to speak, but before they could get a word out, she stops them.

“No. I know. Go be a dear and prepare a bubble bath for me.”

The servant nods and rushes to complete the task.

Sumire turns back to Jasper, who spat out the fish when she wasn’t looking. His eyes shone with a kind of fear and a glimmer of hope you haven’t seen in days.

“What’s going on?” She can see him tugging at the chains engraved with runes, but she knows he won’t make it far.

That pathetic cult was good for something in the end.

“Be good in my absence, pet. I need to greet some visitors.”

She climbed the stairs out of the basement and closed the door behind her, locking it and walking to the front of the mansion in no particular hurry.

She knows that even if they all band together, she’s unstoppable.

“Oh well, let them try.”

Once she’s outside, she looks around and finds a familiar figure standing some distance away.

“Is that…”

Abel’s eyes stared at her with sorrow.

“Abel, is that you?” Sumire shouts across the lawn to ensure that he hears her, her voice condescending.

“Sumire, we need to talk.”

“Oh, you know we can do much more than that.”

From where she is, she can’t tell what his expression is like, but he shook his head, shoulders heaving. She wonders if he cries himself to sleep, regretting having ever trusted her.

She didn’t feel an ounce of remorse.

“Come on Sumire. I’m serious.”

Sumire decides to comply, walking over to the man she played like a fiddle and stops a yard away from him, all forms of contentment gone.

“Oh this is a bother.”

She drops the robe, leaving her in her undergarments as she steps over the fabric and goes straight to Abel’s face, inches away from him.

“Well? You wanted to talk.”

Abel’s eyes flick over her shoulder, blinking twice.

Sumire held back a laugh at his obviousness. But let them try. They won’t get far either way.

“It’s not too late to turn back. This isn’t you.” Abel dares to come closer, hands hovering inches away from her shoulders as tears glistens in his eyes.

“I know you Mira. I…I love you.”

Normal people would feel remorse right about now and break down like pathetic little crybabies.

But Sumire isn’t like them. She’s more, so much more.

“You know me?” She spat, backing away a few paces.

“Up until now I didn’t know me. Not even Matthias knew me.”

She throws out her arms, a dramatic flair for one thing, but as a way to express her emotions for another.

“You have never known me.”

Sumire’s lips curl into a cruel smile.

“Otherwise you wouldn’t be stupid enough to try this.”

With a tilt of her head to the side, she heard a distinctive crack followed by a scream. Turning around, she saw exactly what she hoped for.

Noah, angry, spiteful Noah, glaring at her, one hand ensnared in the invisible force that possessed a knife.

With little effort, she shifts her head a little more to the side, and his fingers bend backwards one by one, a chorus of pops and cracks filling her ears. It sounded like music to her.

Noah couldn’t help but cry out in pain. She adores it.

“Honestly, I’m hurt to think that you could assassinate me with a kitchen knife.”

“You…”

“Hush, teacher is speaking.”

He begins to choke. He desperately searches for some kind of landing as his feet kicks out. He was still held in the air by his broken hand.

“Sumire, stop it!” Abel pleads, eyes wide with terror.

Sumire obliges, letting Noah breathe in air again, but she doesn’t release his hand. It was losing circulation fast.

“I’m disappointed. Really I am.”

Sumire directs a finger towards Abel, and he’s lifted into the air. She lets Noah’s hand free of her hold, but his body is also floating above the grass.

“Let’s go say hello to your fellow rag-tag group of rescuers shall we?”

Sumire walks back towards the house, ignoring the screams and shouts and protests of the two boys as they tried to escape, but they can’t do anything. She’s too powerful.

She enters the house and heads in the direction of the basement, finding that it was still shut, but with the padlock on the ground.

“Pathetic.” Sumire shook her head, leaning her ear against the door and was able to make out some words on the other side.

“…gonna be okay…safe…”

She pushes the door open as slowly and quietly as she could.

Once she could see properly, she saw Lucas trying to undo the chains on Jasper’s wrists. He looked desperate, and her pet hasn’t noticed her yet.

“Lucas!” Both Noah and Abel shouted, gaining both of the lovebirds’ attention on the bottom immediately.

“Run!” Jasper urged, looking back and forth between his lover and his friends, not making eye contact with Sumire.

“I’m not sure there’ll be running.”

Sumire flicks her wrist, and the knife Noah was going to use on her flies in Lucas’s direction.

With no time to react, it embedded itself deep into his shoulder, forcing him back and pinning him against the wall, an anguished cry drawn out from him.

“No!” Jasper struggles against his bonds, trying to reach Lucas as Sumire walks down the steps with two hysterical boys in tow.

She clicked her tongue.

“Tsk…tsk…tsk. You really should’ve plotted your rescue plan better.”

She throws Noah and Abel to the ground, not relinquishing her hold on the both of them.

“But…you all impressed me. You actually found me. Though that’s on me for picking such an obvious location. California is quite beautiful. but I’m still impressed. However, you should’ve been more vigilant and more careful with planning.”

“That’s why I’ve thought of a brilliant idea that will satisfy everyone.”

Sumire circles around the four of them like a tiger stalking its prey.

“Every time you manage to find me, I’ll let you have more and more time to talk with my pet.”

“Don’t address him like that!” Lucas shouts, fury painting his face. Red lines drip down his sweater to the floor.

“Hush.” Sumire waves her hand, and no more words came from his mouth.

“Now, as I was saying, now that you’ve found me once, I’ll say you all have…two minutes to talk with him. I won’t interrupt in any way. I know you all miss him dearly, so I’m sure this’ll make you all happy.”

Sumire walks back up the stairs, and goes through the door.

“Your time starts now.”

She lets go of her hold on Abel and Noah, and closes the door, holding it shut with her power.

“The games are only beginning…”

She smirks.

This’ll keep her occupied until she decides she wants the world for herself.

And she has a lot of plans for the near future.

[electricbluebutterflies]

Helnik + wearing matching Christmas sweaters

Apparently I have a college-AU continuity for these babes. PG-ish, pre-relationship, and also on ao3.

This is possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to him.

See, this is why this… heavens, describing this squad of assholes as a friend group feels like a stretch a lot of the time, Matthias questions his sanity every time he has to deal with any of them for more than thirty seconds, but the dynamic has grown on him like some kind of predatory fungus. For whatever reason they’ve all figured out that no one else in the world or at least the county will put up with their respective bullshit, or something, and against his better judgment he almost loves all of them.

In one case, more than almost, but she’s on really thin ice at the moment.

Nina is, to put it politely, a problem. Nina is constant manic energy and sass and the opposite of every set of words Matthias would’ve used to describe the Ideal Woman four months ago before she happened to him, and Nina has decided for some godforsaken reason that her Christmas present for everyone in the group needed to be matching sweaters.

Not the intentionally obnoxious kind marketed for that purpose either. Oh no. These abominations were clearly marketed to the type of people who think rowing is a sport (it isn’t, thank you) or at least have pretentions to that effect. That part, at least, Matthias can understand. He doesn’t do the preppy aesthetic but there’s a flow to it, fine, weird choice for the intended recipients, but…

The focal point of these wearable horrors is, well, antlers. Tasteful fair-isle antlers placed to make the shoulders of the wearer look more dramatic than they are.

Like, it’s clearly an optical illusion when Inej – smallest of their group but not by much, she and Jesper do live in each other’s wardrobes but he has maybe an inch of that measurement on her – looks more like a linebacker than an individual of her build ever has in human history. Choices were made. No one else is visibly complaining. Nina is…

Nina has managed to get everyone into the damn things, and Nina looks very pleased with herself, and Matthias is both unimpressed and headfirst in love and-

“Just put it on for three minutes,” she says. Somehow she manages to make the preppy antler nightmare sweater look almost seductive – hers fits differently than anyone else’s, Matthias thinks, probably some intentional sizing choice there – and his momentary desire to take it off her has very little to do with the design choices. “I want pictures.”

“For what, future blackmail?”

She leans in and kisses his jaw because that’s easiest for her to reach, and this part he knows is normal, this part is how she is with everyone and he can’t dare hope she’d rather kiss him somewhere else and also there’s going to be sparkly red lipgloss on his face for a good while and he is not removing the mark until he has to. “Maybe?”

“Why did you do this, exactly?”

“Because I have no goddamn clue how to do holiday stuff and this seemed like a fun cliché to try out,” she says, almost laughing. “And after the turkey incident, figured something less edible would be appropriate.”

“Yeah, if you could never set my apartment on fire ever again…”

“I’m not even sure how that happened.” She’s still too close, looking up at him with big eyes like she doesn’t realize the effect she has on people even though he’s known her just long enough to know she’s completely self-aware. “Please. Put the sweater on and stand in the back of a few selfies and watch somebody break the tripod before we manage to take a decent Christmas card picture. For me?”

“Fine. For you.”

That’s the annoying part, Matthias thinks as he takes off his (not-horribly-colored) jacket and puts on the sweater and oh if there is nothing else good about this experience at least he’s learned that Nina can be trusted to buy clothing for other people. He’d do anything for her. Even worse things than this. And there is no doubt in his mind, as Nina maneuvers everyone into decent positions for the DIY photoshoot she is apparently determined to do, that there will be worse things ahead.

These are his people now. Maybe someday he’ll get used to them.

[thebadgerclan]

Bite

Pairing: Jesper Fahey x reader

Requested by Anonymous

Summary: Whether it’s intentional or not, it’s turning him on...

Smut!

Also did I borrow the lip biting thing from 50 Shades?  Yes, yes I did 😂

Jesper watched you from across the room, his cock aching.  Either you knew exactly what you were doing, purposefully riling your boyfriend up, or you were clueless and innocent.  Your boyfriend truly couldn’t tell.  You sat with a book in your lap, completely engrossed in the story, your lower lip drawn between your teeth, biting gently, and oh, that did things to Jesper.  He couldn’t move from his seat without revealing his erection to Matthias, Nina, and Inej, so he settled for bouncing his knee, trying to will his arousal down.

As you read, you furrowed your brow in concentration, or perhaps confusion over whatever was playing out on the page before you, and that small gesture in conjunction with your lip-biting made Jesper’s cock throb within his trousers.  He’d seen that exact expression on your face while fucking you, while making you come on his hand, and seeing it now was driving him crazy.

Mercifully, Matthias, Nina, and Inej drifted from the room, and Jesper seized his chance.  He stood hurriedly and stalked over to you, taking your book from your hand, marking your place, and tossing it aside.  He then wrenched you from your seat and pressed you against the wall, kissing you hard.  You squeaked with shock, but soon melted into the kiss, your arms winding around his neck.

Jesper slipped his tongue between your lips, and you let him in happily, never shying away from affection from your boyfriend.  “Do you know how hard you’ve made me, Y/N?” he asked, his voice rough, and you shook your head.  “No?  You don’t?  You don’t know how damn horny you made me biting that pretty lip of yours?  How damn much that turns me on?”  He was a man consumed by lust and passion, and there was little that could be done to stop him now.

“Jesper, I–”  Your sentence was cut off as your boyfriend kissed you again, his hands snaking beneath your clothes; one beneath your shirt, the other unzipping your jeans.  Jesper tilted his head, drawing your lip between his teeth and biting gently, making you moan softly.  Arousal quickly built as Jesper nibbled on your lip, one hand kneading at your breast, the other inching closer to your cunt.

“I want to be the one to bite this pretty lip,” your boyfriend whispered.  You nodded in agreement, and Jesper pressed two fingers to your clit, rubbing lightly.  Your knees went weak, but you managed to keep yourself upright.  “Jesper, yes,” you moaned, and he kissed you again, torn between mapping your mouth with his tongue and biting your lip again. He chose the latter, feeling you grow wetter against his hand.

He slid those two fingers into your cunt, thrusting them in an out, bringing his thumb to rub your clit.  “Pretty girl,” Jesper praised, pressing wet kisses to your neck.  “Even prettier when you’re biting that lip.  Show me, baby, bite your lip for me.”  Your boyfriend pulled  his face from yours and paused the motion of his fingers.  You drew your lip between your teeth and bit down, making Jesper moan as he continued to finger you.

“Fuck, Y/N, you’re so damn sexy.  Every little thing you do makes me hard.”  It was a feat to keep yourself upright, let alone speak, but you managed a “please”, and your boyfriend chuckled.  “Do you want to come, sweetheart?  Wanna come on my fingers?”  “Yes,” you whispered.  “Yes, Jesper please!  Please make me come!”  He seldom denied you your pleasure, and he rubbed your clit faster.

“Come for me, baby.  Bite that pretty lip when you come.”  He once more pulled back to watch you, and your face screwed up with pleasure as you came.  You bit down hard on your lip, not just because Jesper had asked you to, but to keep yourself from making too much noise.  Your boyfriend pleasured you through your orgasm, and when you’d come down from the high, he withdrew his fingers from your pussy, licking them clean and kissing you once more.

He then took your hand and led you upstairs, his steps hurried and urgent.  “I hope you didn’t have any plans for the afternoon, baby,” he said, shutting the door to your room once inside.  “Because I plan to keep you very busy.”

[starstruckwillows]

matthias helvar x sister!reader (kaz or jes x reader (you can choose))

“i’m either going to kiss this man or stab him with a knife. i’ll know which in about 10 minutes.”

the crows has rubbed off on his younger sister much more than he'd like to admit, haha

♡ kiss or kill - k.b ♡

pairing; kaz brekker x reader

category; humour, fluff

summary; matthias was worried, at first, that kaz may be taking advantage of his sister. there was no cause for concern

warnings/content; references to violence and stabbing, references to kaz's touch aversion

other; fem!reader, helvar!reader, but no descriptions used to keep inclusivity <3

matthias had always thought of kaz as evil, hence the endearing nickname of demjin. so when you announced to him your relationship with the demon, he felt physically faint.

he gave you a weak smile, and wondered how he could possibly threaten someone like kaz brekker into treating you well. nina assured him she'd take care of that, and he adamantly believed she could.

matthias was strength, a soldier, but nina? she was... nina.

the nagging fear that kaz was using you as a means to an end did not leave his head for one moment, though for the life of him, he couldn't figure out how the boy could gain any sort of money from the relationship.

of course, you shut him down fast when he shared those worries with you, not unkindly, but firmly.

"matt, it's nothing like that. this... me and kaz, has been going for longer than any of you knew, though wylan definitely clocked a while back." you'd reassured him with a brief hug - you were always the more affectionate out of the two of you.

matthias set his jaw, knowing your mind was made up and knowing better than to try and persuade you otherwise, "alright, alright. but you know you have me if anything happens. it'll take me a while to trust... this."

you nodded, before skipping off, and his heart sunk at the action. despite everything the world had put you, and all the crows through, was there still naivety in you? or were you simply happy? was that the same thing?

but he quickly learnt his fears were misplaced. the danger did not lie with kaz hurting you, it lied with him getting you arrested for murder.

matthias had never seen the demjin so carefree until he saw the two of you together, when you thought you were alone. kaz's genuine laughter was a disconcerting sound.

before they realised he had entered the room, he noted you were only half amused, the other fifty percent of your expression annoyance, though it lacked any true malice.

"kaz brekker, i will cut you right here!"

and the demjin just kept laughing.

by now, all the crows knew about kaz's aversion to touch, and dislike him though he sometimes did, matthias knew where to draw the line with a man, and trauma like that certainly chalked it out clearly.

kaz couldn't give you physical affection, but that was not something he'd factored into his worry when he analysed the relationship.

so to see the boy squeeze your ungloved hand with his own leather adorned one in way of goodbye before dodging out the back exit, was a shock, suffice to say.

he decided that was the moment to make his presence known with a cough. you turned to him with a smile,

"someone took my waffle. i thought it was him, but he said nina hid it in her room so she could have it later, i'm gonna go look in a minute," you explained, "i'm either going to kiss the man, hypothetically of course, or stab him. we'll know which in about ten minutes."

and the thought ringing through with clarity in that moment was not distaste of kaz, as it had been for a week or two, but,

he's going to get her locked up if he keeps annoying her.

before, even clearer,

he's happy. and so is she.

and he remembered - just like himself, you had been raised by wolves, even in a country that discouraged women to be so strong. kaz brekker could tackle, head on, many forces, but you were not one of them. nor would he have reason to do so.

taglist:

@anordinarymuse @ellora-brekker @b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r

[goldengoddess]

kaz brekker playing with your hair

request: I love your Kaz headcanons!! Can you do one with him playing with fem!reader's hair and her playing with his without realizing? And the crows see him doing something fancy with her hair for a job and seeing that they care about each other? Sorry if this is too specific!! Thank you!

a/n: this is so fucking sweet and i can totally see this as a very intimate thing for kaz,,, pls so fucking cute 

warnings: none lots of fluff

the first time kaz played with your hair, you almost gasped out of shock

you were sat on the floor between his legs with a book in your lap

he was sitting on the edge of his bed, scribbling something into his notebook 

the two of you were close but not exactly touching

his gloves were off, since it was just the two of you in his bedroom 

suddenly you felt a little tug at your hair and you slightly moved your head

you could see kaz twisting the strand in his fingers like he did with cards during a magic trick 

he was still focused entirely on whatever he was writing 

you narrowed your eyes slightly but went back to reading 

you were acutely aware of his fingers playing with your hair and making their way up to your scalp 

when he ended up massaging your scalp softly your breath hitched in your throat 

his touch was so soft and gentle 

so unlike the kaz everyone else saw 

you suddenly felt sleepy and at peace

your eyes started fluttering 

that night you had ended up falling asleep on the floor

your cheek pressed into kaz’s leg 

you slowly began to realize that kaz wasn’t even aware of what he was doing 

playing with your hair was something he did completely mindlessly 

he didn’t realize how much of an affect it had on you

since he had played with your hair a couple of times, you wanted to mention it 

but you knew the second you did you might break the spell 

and it would be two steps backwards 

but one night the two of you sat on the floor, your legs crossed, facing each other 

you were talking about something or other that had to do with the crow club

again, you two were close but not touching 

then as he talked kaz moved his hand up and started playing with the hair that had fallen in front of you face

he didn’t stop his train of thought, just continued the conversation as if nothing 

you couldn’t help it you had to say something because you were about to swoon at his sweetness 

“kaz do you realize what you’re doing” you had interrupted him 

he stopped talking and tilted his head to the side 

“what am i doing y/n?”

you rolled your eyes and pointed at his hand, with your hair still between his fingers 

he followed your gesture and his narrowed his eyes, pulling his hand away hesitantly 

you let out a sad sigh 

“you’ve done it a couple of times without realizing i think” you mumbled, looking down at the floor 

then his hands were back in your hair, with more confidence now 

you grinned at him

“don't look at me like that, you have nice hair” he stated as an excuse.

and then the rest was history 

now, the two of you couldn’t be in the same room alone together without kaz’s hands finding themselves tangled in your hair 

sometimes he wasn’t paying attention and he would knot up your hair 

then he’d sit with you, undoing them gently 

you were sat between his legs once again 

and he started attempting a little braid 

after a couple of failed attempts, you walked him through it 

soon, kaz became a master of braiding hair 

first they were little ones

and then he branched out into different types 

asking you to ignore your work so that he could practice on your hair 

he said it was his favourite

the crows started noticing you new hairstyles 

your too perfect braids 

and buns with little delicate details 

they knew you couldn't have been the one to do them 

one time, you were in a common room of the slat with nina and jesper 

and kaz walked in without looking to see who was in the room, paying attention to something in his hand

“hey y/n i have this new hairstyle i want to-”

he looked up then to see jesper and nina’s amused faces 

and your face covered in an embarrassed blush 

nina turned to you with a little smirk 

“so you’ve got your own stylist now?”

jesper joined in, “yeah y/n i was starting to think you were taking cosmetology classes on your days off.”

you only rolled your eyes and stayed silent, not sure how kaz would want to play this 

he recovered quickly and surprised you by walking behind where you were sitting 

“i’m going to try this new style in y/n’s hair and if either of you have anything to say if i won’t hesitate to sew your mouth shut with a bobby pin”

he threatened them and then started pulling your hair into a fancy new style that would keep your hair out of your face for complicated jobs 

jesper and nina just laughed and kept watching as he worked 

after a few minutes, the two of them called matthias, inej, and wylan into the room

and there you all sat, watching kaz’s trial and error with this new style 

by the end, you looked ready to murder a man without your hair ever faltering

all of the crows had stopped with their witty remarks and instead were in awe at kaz’s hidden talent 

he maybe even looked a little embarrassed at the attention 

“it’s just like a magic trick or pickpocketing” he insisted. 

 you grinned and took a few pieces of his hair 

 his tensed and then realized 

“i think its your turn for a makeover kaz”

he only chuckled and kissed your palm 

“over my dead body angel”

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Matthias Helvar x fem! Healer! Reader - Mine

A/n: I don't think I've finished a request fast... Looks longingly at all the other drafts that are requests. Fuck.

Warnings: Kind of sexual at some points, injuries, mentions of death, I think that's it? You have been warned!

Request: Can I please request an soft, romantic oneshot of female!healer!reader and Matthias Helvar falling in love with each other, please? thank you so much!!

I do not own six of crows or shadow and bone or its characters! I also do not own this gif!

Matthias had first meant her lying in bed.

He had been hurt and everyone was internally freaking out because the Fjerdan never showed any pain yet here he was lying on his death bed the screams of pain coming from his lips every now and then.

Blackness was looming over him, there was no light he couldn't feel Djel like he should have. Maybe his sins had lined up too high, or maybe Djel had abandoned him like Nina had. He didn't know what was going to happen, all he knew was that death was almost certain at this point, he could hear the wolves howling in the distance. They were coming for him - he was sure of it.

Something he didn't understand happened though. He was in the dark taking his last few breaths then a blinding light that must have been sent from Djel himself came barreling through the door kneeling right in front of him.

"Not today." The woman muttered as she hovers her hands over the top of his injury.

"I still need to get paid, so if you could you know - stay alive for me here that would be great." She grits her teeth together and suddenly the world is just light.

The only thing he can see through the blinding of the whiteness is her and her eyes telling - begging him to hold on for a little longer.

So he does.

Gasping for breath Matthias realizes there's no pain in his chest anymore, there's no blackness yet there's no overwhelming white either. There's only a soft glow at the end of his bed belonging to the woman he recognizes as the person who saved him.

"What happened?" He mumbles and his voice comes out groggy and part of him is ashamed that that's what he says when there's a beautiful woman sitting on the edge of his bed tending to his wounds. The other part of him wonders how he can be so bashful over a girl he's barely meant.

"You broke all your ribs so your chest was starting to disconnect when you were breathing. You're lucky I got there on time or else you would have been dead. You passed out after I healed you."

The healer doesn't move off his bed but closer actually and she moves so close she's levelheaded with him as Matthias sits up.

She brush's a piece of his blond hair away from his face and cups his cheek for a second and for a felting moment he's sure she was going to kiss him. But she pulls away before they can get any close and he's half glad because he was sure she could've probably heard how his breathing had how it speed up.

"Matthias." Finally he breaths out looking at the temptress with wide eyes.

The girl smiles and he stupidly puts up his head to be shaken but instead of taking it or laughing at him, she kisses him on the lips.

It's not for very long, it's very brief actually, and this is all crazy because he had just meant her (he doesn't even know her name!) Yet he can't get her eyes out of his head or the feeling of her lips against his and how he eagerly kissed her back.

She pulls away really fast but he still has time to commit everything to memory before she stands up leaving the doorway but stopping midway.

"Y/n, my name is Y/n."

He knew her name.

___________________

Nothing happened entirely after that, Matthias and Y/n grew close and became quick friends.

Friends who sometimes kiss. The former Druskelle was pretty sure that friends didn't kiss, even in Kerch.

"Matthias I swear to your tree god if you don't put me down I'm going to rip you to shreds!" Y/n screams at him as he carries her trying to get the Slat on time before she dies.

"You are hurt." He says simply in retaliation, as the girl fumes and struggles to get out of his arms.

"I'm a healer!"

Matthias just rolls his eyes and bursts through the Slat doors with an injured and a very frustrated Y/n.

"You can't heal yourself completely Y/n I'm not stupid." He whispers down into her ear as he takes them up the stairs going in (unintentionally) his room.

She hurriedly gets out of his arms face red from embarrassment and starts working on her wound. They both stay there in silence for a bit before he starts to get bandages and ointments to help her heal the rest.

He hands them over to her and she staches them out of his arms not even looking at him. She doesn't say anything either as she winces when she places the ointment on what's left of the wound. She warps it up and the silence is still on like a broken switch that can't go back down. Wolves that are hurt but can't howl in fear of their abuser.

"How did you figure it out?" She whispers quietly as she finishes warping up her wound. It's barely audible but he hears it because he always notices when she says something. Matthias doesn't know if he's ever been so aware of someone before.

Because she is so much more than just a friend to him.

"In Fjerda we were trained to see the signs when a Grisha hadn't been trained at the little palace." He pauses for a second, wincing internally because it was easier to kill Grisha who weren't as well trained.

"Oh." She says looking down trying to hide her eyes from him.

"That doesn't mean I think any less of you though, you... Your power is strong most Grisha wouldn't be able to heal people entirely in seconds if they hadn't trained at the little palace."

She finally lifts her head up to meet his eyes and he swears she's a heartrender because he can't breathe.

But before he can even look for a second longer she's at the doorway opening the door to leave him. Again.

"Is that it? Is that all that you think of me?" She demands him to answer her with the tone that she's using, yet it doesn't remind him of Brum or any of that. It only reminds him of her.

*Flashback*

She shifted her body to face his and he shamefully looks away from the woman before him. Who was of course only wearing her undergarments?

"Kaz needs this for a job."

His head snaps back to look at her with fire in his eyes as her hands trail up and down his arms. He holds back a shiver and looks down at the serpent. He was her prey and she's ready to strike because he so memorized with her. Se must have bitten him with her poison because he wasn't backing down.

Fury fuels his veins at the thought of anyone touching her in that way. Probably he wouldn't get through the mission if he had to see it.

She places her hand around his neck and he's trying hard not to look at it because it wasn't proper but she was beautiful.

"Don't you have a job to get to?" He murmurs as he tries and to hold back his stare.

Her laughs rings out around them and her soft glow is back for a split second before it's gone in a snap.

Her other goes around to his back and she leans into his ear.

"Hold my waist." Her voice is commanding and he was addicted to her poison that made him do whatever she desired. And who could deny a strong woman that used that tone?

So he does and then she kisses him.

This isn't like their first time but it isn't their second time either. He has become accustomed to the way her lips felt against his own, yet he didn't ever want her to stop because every time it just got better.

She bites down on his lips before trailing her own down to his neck.

His breath comes out in pants as she trails further and further down till she's found his sweet spot.

"Vixen." He gasps as she bites down hard on his sweet spot before she gives him one gentle kiss before pulling away.

"I have a job to get to Helvar."

Then she's gone.

*Flashback over*

"No." He calls out to her.

"That's definitely not what I think of you."

This time he wraps his arms around her waist before leaning down to kiss her.

And this time it's him who kisses her and their lips shift together and move in sync before he pulls away. Both of them were breathless.

"I think of you as mine."

And she doesn't object to that.

Words 1467

thedelusionreaderbitch

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[apinchofm]

Adow - Philippe’s children prompt ~ Philippe calls them all home for a family portrait. Chaos and standard De Clermont family gathering antics ensue

"My Lord! My Lord!"

Baldwin could hear his housekeeper, Bessie, running. The woman always seemed panicked whenever correspondence arrived. She burst into his office without asking and she was lucky he was fond of the elder human.

"Bessie, we have discussed this. You cannot-" But when he looked at the letter and saw his father's seal, he could see why she was particularly rushed.

...

In a Parisian salon, Gallowglass and Miyako were hunting for their youngest cousin.

"There he is," Gallowglas rolled his eyes, seeing his cousin with an attractive young woman in his lap. It seemed hedonism was how he decided to rebel against the family now.

Marcus rolled his eyes upon sensing them, kissing the young woman and sending her away. Miyako frowned at the bite marks on her neck.

"I am busy," Marcus said, leaning back and taking another drag of his cigarette

"Doing what? Trying to be the first of us to get syphilis?" Miyako snarked and held the coin that was sent to his residence, "We're going home. Now."

....

"Lucius!" Anastasia grinned upon seeing her eldest brother and he managed to catch his excitable sister in a hug. They had not seen each other for a few years.

"Have we all been called home? What is the matter? What is going on?" He demanded. He nodded politely when he saw Matthew, who had rushed from India to be here.

"So you do not know what is happening either?" Matthew frowned.

Philippe stood at the top of the stairs and they all looked at him, ready to hear what on earth was going on. War?

"I am so glad you could all be here!" Philippe grinned.

"We didn't exactly have a choice," Marcus grumbled, holding up the shiny coin he received.

A man stood next to him, "You have a large family, seiur." He appraised, "This will take longer than I anticipated."

"But very much worth it." Philippe said and looked to his children, "This is Eugene Delacroix. He will paint us. Capture our family in this moment of time."

"A family portrait?" Freyja realised, "Again? Father, you cannot send a coin letter every time you want you want a portrait."

"Not all of you come home," Philippe said pointedly, looking at Gallowglass and Matthew. The two were adverse to having a painting done.

"And why are Matthias and his spawn here if it is a family portrait?" Verin asked.

"Verin," Philippe warned his daughter. He knew his children liked fighting with one another but he wanted this.

Marthe had laid out clothes for everyone to wear, the men in suits. Even Gallowglass had to be shaved for the occasion.

"Now, if you could stand next to your brother-" Eugene asked of Verin. He was indicating to Matthew.

"I would prefer to drop dead," Verin said dryly.

"I will gladly accommodate you," Matthew replied with an acidic smile.

"I still would not like to be near Matthew if we are voting?" Marcus said. He and Matthew had rarely spoken in the years after those months in New Orleans. The elder vampire didn't like what he had to do, but he was protecting him.

"I do not wish to be near Verin," Stasia said and smiled at her sister's glare at her.

"Why don't we do separate portraits? Our grandchildren have their own. I will do one with the girls, Philippe and his sons." Ysabeau suggested. A compromise.

"I would like a whole family portrait." Philippe protested.

"And I would like to not be here. I believe you should take what you can father," Baldwin said dryly. It was an easy solution.

So Philippe compromised. Ysabeau was the only one who could get him to.

"Yes, but you were not here for the miniatures." Philippe pointed out, "Now, sit with your cousins and do this. That is an order, Eric."

"I still do not see why we need another portrait." Gallowglass grumbled, "We look the same as we did thirty years ago!"

"If we do this now, he may just leave us for the next fifty." Miyako hissed from her seated position in between her cousins.

"Yes, and what happens when some idiot creates an easier way of capturing our likeness?" Marcus frowned.

[manikas-whims]

Recently, I'm seeing a rise in the most awful misinterpretations of some characters in Six of Crows, so I'm gonna address how wrong they are.

Before I start: if you haven't said any of what I'm going to mention here, then it means I'm not pointing fingers at you. Don't take offense for something you didn't do.

Now I'm gonna try to keep it as short as possible...

Part 1

"I don't think Inej loves Kaz." "Inej doesn't love Kaz as much as he does her." "Inej is ignorant." bla bla bla...

A cousin of mine (15 yo) read the books and said the same things as above.

I asked her what does love mean to her and she responded it meant "two people showing their emotions by acts like kisses, cuddles, etc." and "by being together with that person by the end of the story".

Obviously, that's not all to love. Younger audiences tend to not take note of the faint nuances the same way grownups do. Its just like watching disney movies and only later realising the ambiguous meanings in certain dialogues. But we can't simply say that age plays a major factor here.

While SoC is a YA novel and aimed for age groups 13-17 mostly, many adults enjoy the books.

I myself read the books this year (23 yo) and my perception of love is different from my cousin's. Love isn't simply an emotion or feeling or gestures. LOVE IS WORK. It requires both the parties involved to put in equal effort.

And so, when Inej says "I will have you without armor." , she isn't being ignorant at all. She does mean it in the literal sense. But also more than that. Inej is an honest person and says whats on her mind freely. She expects the same honesty in return. She says this dialogue because while Kaz seems to know a good amount about her— her full real name, how she was taken to Ketterdam and sold to Tante Heleen, etc. Inej knows nothing about him, not even his real name. The first thing she learns about him is that he had a brother and a vague "i had a lot of things."

And even with things Kaz doesn't know about her, she's ready to share. She tells him that it was easy for her to entirely dissociate when seeing her clients but she couldn't do it with one guy, the guy who'd seen her perform on the high wire as a kid. She shares this deep, awful experience with him and says its not easy for her either. In doing so, being honest about her past, she encourages him to take a step as well. To try and be a little honest about himself, share a small part of himself. She wants him to put some effort into their relationship because a simple "i want you" isn't enough. They both need to work on a lot of things to reach that "i want you". SHE ISN'T IGNORANT.

Later on, Inej realises, she can't ask so much honesty of Kaz because that one bathroom scene is an eye opener for both of them. She realises that she may have handled that kiss on the neck but what if she couldn't have? What if she had dissociated on instinct, as her defense mechanism? What if? Kaz adds to all that when he tells her to take the money and leave, forget him. But does she do that? NO. She thinks whether it would be better for her to find a kind man, bear his children and then sharpen her knives at night. And she realizes she doesn't want that because she can only be her true self (a kind woman who wields knives) with Kaz. She can only be her genuine self with Kaz. She thinks "he'd tried, they'd tried. They could try again." She wants to try again with Kaz. SHE WANTS HIM JUST AS MUCH.

Now for a moment, lets consider the other female character in SoC— Nina Zenik. We all call her an "Unapologetic Queen" for being herself, being proud of her body proportions and such. But if Nina was a woman of color, would she get the same hype? Don't say "Yes" because we know that won't be the case. Nina wouldn’t get the same hype for her plus sized representation if she was a poc.

And this, I'm speaking as a Desi. I know what I face in real life from people of other cultures. I've experienced a lot of stereotypes about myself as a South Asian woc. And while not everyone treats me the same, I do encounter alot of obvious stereotypical assumptions about myself.

Similarly, so many people when they read the "I will have you without armor" dialogue, completely stop looking further into Inej. Age factor is very miniscule. Most of this, whether you like it or not, stems from the internalized stereotype that "brown girls are mean and insensitive". Thats how we've typically seen them portrayed in majority of media and that's where many readers' thoughts immediately head to when they read the "without armor" dialogue. Those of you who say the quoted things mentioned at the top, don't bother to look as deeply into Inej's perspective as you do for Kaz or Nina or the others. You simply settle for calling her ignorant.

Did you ever give her more thought instead of reducing her to the stereotypical brown girl?

Did you ever consider that this girl has her own demons? That this girl was captured forcefully and sold into prostitution at 14!? That this girl sometimes even gets scared of touches from her own friends? That this girl finds it harder to handle contact that she doesn't see coming? That she suffered abuse and was rewarded with kindness by the same hands that touched her at the Menagerie!? That at some point she just fearfully anticipated for whatever was to come, be it a gentle caress or a harsh slap across her cheek? That this girl was raped again and again and again every single day when she was only 14? That she was violated and touched in places too private without her consent? That she was continuously treated so by men twice, thrice, even four times her age!?

Did you ever consider that this girl who struggles with so much didn't let her suffering define her!? That she rises above these atrocities and finds a purpose!? That she chooses to pursue her own goals and save any other kids from whatever horrid things she went through!?

Did you ever consider that despite everything this girl suffered at the hands of innumerable people, she wants to try again with Kaz?

For a girl like her to let Kaz kiss her neck completely unguarded (she doesn't have her knives with her in that scene)..to still be able to give her heart to Kaz, is a very beautiful thing. It means she trusts him so much more than she'll ever trust any other person..

Everyone expresses themselves in different ways. Thats what makes each human so unique. Just because Inej isn't saying poetic things in her pov chapters, doesn't mean she loves Kaz any less.

Inej Ghafa loves Kaz Brekker. And she always will. But her love doesn't mean she must give up on her own purpose. Kaz doesn't ask her to. And she doesn't ask Kaz to give up his position as the new King of the Barrel. They're equals who support each other in their goals. They're two people in love who will take their baby steps towards healing together.

Inej and Kaz love each other.

Inej and Kaz are together.

Inej isn't ignorant, just misread.

Rant over for now. Next I'll be talking about Matthias Helvar..:)

[sissytobitch10seconds]

Febuwhump 24: Those Words

Fandom: Grishaverse: Six of Crows Summary: Wylan had heard those words time and time again. They had never once rung more hollow then they did now. Warnings: Canonical child abuse, verbal abuse, and parental abuse Word Count: 1,219 Ship(s): Wylan Van Eck/Matthias Helvar/Kaz Brekker/Jesper Fahey/Inej Ghafa/Nina Zenik

Archive link!

Returning to his home had felt like a slap in the face. He now knew what it was like to be loved and cherished, what it was to wake up to the face of someone that adored you smiling down at you, what it was like to make sure someone filled your belly and wrapped up your hands. 

When he was a child, it was so much easier to assume that what he had to endure was normal. He didn’t know that almost no other children were put through the strict testing and probing that he was. He had no idea that the other little boys and girls weren’t enduring the countless revolving door of people that were coming to try and fix him. He didn’t know that someone should be cherished throughout their entire being, that love wasn’t something that could just slip away when someone grew.

He knew better now. He had Nina’s everlasting love as she found out what kinds of things he really liked to eat and enjoyed them with him. He had Kaz’s strict love as he made sure to protect what was his and secure Wylan as his asset. He had Jesper’s overflowing fountain of love, whispering soft words to him and kissing every single inch of his body. He had Inej’s quiet love as she sat up with him during nightmares and told him stories of her own parents. He had Matthias’ shy love as they danced around each other until they were ensnared like a dog’s tangled leash.

He knew that was what love felt like. It felt like someone taking the bucket he had been scraping against the dirt for as long as he remembered and bringing it to the ocean. It felt like both of his hands clasped within others, either gloved or calloused or soft or bare. It felt like safety and security and cloves.

That had all been taken away from him, even if it had been done with the kissed promise of it being returned to him as soon as possible. He knew that there would always be his partners waiting for him if this charade got to be too much, but he would still have to sneak out of his home and to them. He had grown accustomed to them being in the main room of the tomb or walking amongst the moonlight, fog hidden gravestones in the surrounding area. They were still back on that island, planning what they were going to do next with the information that Wylan was able to give them.

The charade had to be kept up for the entirely of the plan to work. He knew that and it was tearing him apart.

He had been shoved back into the steps that he had run so far from when the canal water had woken him properly. Before he had his eyes opened to the abuse of his life, that the things his fathers and tutors did to him were distinctly not normal, he had walked this very path. He would wake, wash, eat, and then be pushed into the room with the tutor of the week. They would beat him with crops, belts, rulers, and basically anything else they could find. He would get through a couple of short sentences before his eyes were so blurred with tears from the pain that he couldn’t see the words even if the letters did make sense. He would get dinner with his father and Alys if he had managed to make progress in a way that someone else approved of, regardless of how well he felt he had done. The guilt would gnaw at the hunger in his gut and make it so that he couldn’t sleep, so he would study even longer to try and make up for his inadequacy.

Now he knew that his inability to read was something akin to Kaz’s leg. It was an injury, though his was in his mind, and it was something that would never really heal. He knew enough to get by when he was trying to find street signs or recognize someone’s name. He didn’t need to be able to read fluently when he had people that would read to him the way that his partners had already promised him that they would.

It seemed as though the petulance that he had carried with him from Black Veil was only going to get him in trouble. The tutor that he had before had been hired back on to try and make the best of the situation. Jan couldn’t very well have him assassinated while the entire Merchant Council was paying attention to them because he had faked missing Wylan, after all. He had to keep up appearances for everyone outside of his home and for those inside, because servants talked.

Every time Wylan said something about how he didn’t need to take what the tutor was dealing out, the punishment came quickly. It started with something that he was used to, something that he could handle. The swats on the back of the head with the book he was supposed to be reading only ever smarted, the smacks on his wrist with the sharp edge of the ruler would leave welts but those could be soothed during his bath. He could even handle the insults that were slung at him because he would drown them out with the voices of his lovers. 

They had reassured him of so many things before he left, sent him with their best wishes and affirmations of their love. Jesper had said, “You’re the cleverest little arsonist I know. Which is actually a compliment, I know many.” Inej had said, “You will always be you, no matter how much they try to change you or tell you that is not enough. It will be enough for us and for you.” Nina had said, “I’m going to get you the best sweets for doing this, even if you’re my favorite sweet.” Matthias had said, “You are stronger than all of us combined, to face this willingly just to help us get free.” Kaz had said, “If you don’t return to me, I’m going to raise you from the dead. Not even Ghezen gets to take what’s mine.”

The problem was when the punishment increased beyond what he had ever faced before. He stopped being invited to dinners and they got simpler. They had never eaten highly extravagantly unless they were trying to show their wealth off to other Merchant families, but they had still eaten well. Eventually his food was watered down to nothing more than broth or oats soaked in milk. Then he had to spend longer and longer in his study, to the point where the tutor would leave him locked in there overnight and come back the next morning expecting a miracle. 

“I’m doing this because I care about you.”

That was the last straw, of course. He was tired, he was hungry, he was aching all over his back and his thighs from being struck with the metal end of a belt the day before. He wanted his partners back, the real people that cared about him instead of the ones that pretended to so they could use him for something.

“No, you don’t.”