#Most the things we desperately cling to in order to survive

[panakina]

Maybe I’m just too attached to comic, but i don’t buy Bruce’s speech at the end of the UtRH movie.

The whole speech about not being able to come back from it if he killed joker, he’s too calm and controlled, it sounds rehearsed to me. I could picture him saying that weeks early but not in that moment.

I vastly prefer the overwhelming emotion shutting down any sensible debate like it goes in the comic: The face of his dead son is in front of him demanding he break his vows and kill his worst enemy. Throwing all his Worst trauma in his face, After weeks of Bruce losing control of the very city those vows are meant to protect, after being forced into a vicious fight with said dead son. This isn’t the time for Making a Case for Restraint, this is the time for freaking the fuck out and throwing a batarang without thinking it through. This is the time for Batman’s iron will to crack.

[zoeykallus]

Giiiiiirl! We all need some Tech, but something soft and chaste, complicated, slow burning, very angsty! And with some heartache, don't forget the heartache!

😮... erm... Anoooon! Lucky for you, I have something in my wips I could work on that feels like it fits this profile... in a way... I guess. Heartache? Okay, but don't come crying to me later. It was originally a draft with my OC (Which I never would have finished or published anyway), but I think I can fix it up.

Tech/Howzer x 'Jedi'!Fem!Reader - Shortfic / Oneshot - The Misfits

Warnings: Angst/Hurt/Fluff/Heartache/!!!!MAJOR SPOILER FOR TBB S2!!!!!

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After you fell in love with Howzer, you left the Order. You haven't seen him for a long time and according to rumors he is most likely no longer alive.

In your search for answers to where all the clones are disappearing to, you stumble upon a squad of clones in desperate need of help.

_____________________

AC: I changed some timeline related things as well as canon itself and call it artistic freedom 🙂. Depending on your point of view, there is a happy ending, or there is none. Or a bit of both. I totally went over board with this, but I kinda love it. It's probably one of my favorite things I worked on.

______________________

Above him, the life of his squad hangs by a thread; below him is a yawning void, a deep abyss. Within a few heartbeats, Tech has calculated all possible scenarios. There is only one way out, one way only. He can save his family if he sacrifices himself. Plan 99. Wrecker and Omega beg him not to cut the connection, Hunter even orders him to.

"When have we ever followed orders," Tech says, drawing his blaster.

Every move, that what he needs to do is logical, but it feels surreal, heavy-handed. His heart is pounding up to his throat, yet he feels strangely calm. He knows he's doing the right thing. Tech doesn't want to go, but it's a necessity to ensure the continued existence of Clone Force 99, to give his brothers and Omega a chance to survive.

The few seconds in which he aims and pulls the trigger are forever, seeming almost infinite to him. He hears his brothers calling for him and Omega's screams. In the next moment, the connection is cut, and he drops falls, his stomach tingling, everything tingling, but his muscles relaxed. His heart is racing, but his mind is calm and unusually empty for the first time in a long time.

But something is wrong, his fall slows down, even his direction of flight changes. His mind awakens again. Tech looks around, tries to orientate himself, and realizes that he is heading for one of the towers along which the cable car runs. He has no idea what is happening, there is no logical explanation, no updrafts strong enough, he has no wings and no way to control his fall, it makes no sense.

He gets close enough to grab one of the crossbars on the tower. His heart leaps as his fall stops, and he clings to the tower. Tech still can't quite grasp that he's alive, doesn't quite understand what just happened. A surge of euphoria floods his body; he doesn't have to die.

But his mind sobers up very quickly. His gaze shoots upward. The car with his brothers is moving again, but disproportionately fast, they would very likely crash into the stop.

Up above the tracks he sees a figure, a woman, she moves quickly, elegantly, dodging shots, but most interesting, she wields a green lightsaber with which she deflects the blaster shots of the Imperials.

"A Jedi," he says to himself.

Then comes the realization. He didn't fly, the Jedi must have saved him. Tech begins to hastily climb down, he must be on the ground on foot trying to reach his brothers in time. At the bottom, even as he runs, he hears the car crash into the platform. His guts want to tie themselves in knots, but he keeps running, can only hope that no one is too badly hurt.

You see dust and smoke swirl up as you jump down from the tracks into the crash site. Behind you, you hear hurried footsteps. The one you rescued earlier also reaches the crash site. He stops for a moment, stares at you, his eyes big. Finally, he rushes past you into the wreckage to check on his companions.

Some of them are injured, not fatally, but too badly to fight.

"I assume you have a shuttle," you say, more or less addressing everyone.

"Who's that?" the biggest of them asks with a groan, holding his aching ribs.

You wave it off and say, "We can work that out later. I'll back you up on the way to your shuttle if you'll take me. The imperials shot down my shuttle," you say, helping the girl to her feet, who looks at you wide-eyed, then at Tech.

"TECH!"

The girl hugs the man fiercely as tears stream down her face.

"You're alive!" she says as if she can't believe it.

He wipes away her tears and says gently but firmly, "You need to pull yourself together for a moment, Omega, first we need to get out of here"

"Go!" growls the one with the longer hair and bandana, "No time".

He grits his teeth, stumbles limping through the rubble and almost falls, but you grab his arm and help him. You can sense his pain.

"Thank you," he presses out in anguish, between clenched teeth.

Under fire, you rush back to the shuttle as fast as you can. Tech helps the sergeant, the big one named Wrecker holds up on his own. You fend off incoming shots, more than a few of which would hit one back or another without your help. The blade of the laser sword hums, buzzing through the air like an extension of your body, every movement, fluid and natural.

Tech keeps looking over his shoulder, fascinated. He's seen many a Jedi, but somehow, there is something different about you, something that already draws him in.

Pabu is beautiful, peaceful and the people refreshingly warm. A good place to come to rest, at least temporarily. However, you are a bit frustrated at the moment, your attempts to repair your holopad have failed. Annoyed, you place the device back down on the half-wall in front of you.

"Fuck it," you grumble to yourself as you hear a soft noise behind you.

You turn and see Tech, his helmet tucked under his arm, looking at you in surprise with raised brows. He's unobtrusive, yet somehow always near you.

"Excuse my choice of words," you say with a wry smile.

He shrugs carefully and says, "I may not be a fan of that language, but it doesn't bother me much either. However, I must say that this choice of words surprises me, hearing it from a Jedi. I don't think I've ever heard a Jedi swear before."

You laugh softly.

"What makes you think I'm a Jedi?"

Tech blinks thoughtfully, adjusts his goggles with his index finger, and says, "Well, I thought it was obvious. You carry a lightsaber, use the Force, and you are clearly not a Sith."

You nod slowly, "Yes, I can understand why you would come to that conclusion. But I'm not a Jedi, not anymore, not for a few years now."

He extends his hand to you invitingly and says, "May I help you with that?"

You pick up the holopad again and pass it to him. As he deftly takes the device apart, he cautiously asks, "May I ask why you left the Order?"

You sigh softly and sit down on the half-wall, looking down at the beach for a moment as if searching for an answer there, then look at Tech again.

"I never really fit in with the Jedi. You could say among the Jedi I was an outsider to some extent."

Tech looks up curiously from the holopad. He notes that this is something that connects you, he and his brothers never really fit in among the other clones either. He says, "That must have been difficult."

You nod with a sigh, "Sometimes more, sometimes less. I lacked that absolute calm, that restraint. Although I grew up in the Order from a very young age, I have never been able to put aside my emotional nature. The decision that I had to leave the Order was made when I fell in love."

Tech looks up again, blinking, you sense unease beneath his surface.

"In love?" he asks, swallowing, "Oh. Jedi aren't supposed to do that, are they?"

"No, they shouldn't. Well, it happens to many actually, but a real Jedi, cuts themselves loose from it, I didn't want that to happen."

The little, "Oh" that comes across his lips sounds oddly vulnerable.

Tech is still tinkering with your holopad when he asks, "And what happened to that love of yours?"

You swallow and feel an uncomfortable pressure on your chest as you answer quietly, "I don't know. I haven't seen him in a very long time. He was stationed on Ryloth. After Order 66, I couldn't possibly go there, too many clones in one place, and… I was terrified that he had succumbed to the chip as well. If he had tried to kill me, I don't think I could have stomached it. But from what I've heard, he's probably no longer alive anyway."

Tech looks at you in surprise.

"The man you loved was a reg?"

You frown and repeat, "Reg?"

He shakes his head apologetically.

"Sorry. Regular clone, meaning clones that haven't been modified like Clone Force 99"

"Oh, I see," you say understandingly, "Yes, by that standard I suppose he was a Reg. As far as I've heard, he ultimately acted contrary to programming. He was arrested for treason when he liberated the Syndulla family"

Tech looks up again.

"Howzer?" he asks, surprised.

"Yeah," you say, also surprised, "You know him?"

"[Knowing him] is probably too much of a word. We ran into him. At the Syndullas liberation operation. For that matter, I'm afraid I have to confirm the rumor you heard, Howzer really has been arrested by the Empire for treason."

Your heart grows heavy. You swallow. You feel a slight burning behind your eyes and the bridge of your nose.

"Then I guess he really is dead," you say with a heavy sigh, "Actually, I'm not surprised, I was already expecting it, and we haven't seen each other in over a year, but it still hurts."

Tech put the holopad back together. He gently presses the device into your hand, holding your hand almost tenderly for a brief moment as he does so.

"I'm sorry."

He's really sorry, but part of him feels relief that Howzer can't be a part of your life anymore, and he's ashamed of it. In fact, he's shocked at how he feels about you and how that realization affects him.

As Tech lets go of you, he says softly, "Your holopad is working again."

You blink and look at the device.

"Thank you so much. You're really handy with these things, aren't you?"

Tech smiles gently.

"At the risk of sounding smug, I have to say, 'handy' is probably an understatement, but yes".

Tech's heart beats faster when he sees you enter the room. He looks up, smiles at you briefly, and nervously turns his attention back to the cards lying on a box in front of him.

"You're playing… Against yourself?" you ask, surprised.

He nods and says as a matter of course, "Of course, that's the only way this game is still a challenge for me."

Your soft laugh, turns his cheeks a little pink.

"I actually believe you," you say, amused.

You glance over his shoulder.

"You're probably really good at this, you'll have to teach me when you have the time".

Tech's shoulders tighten proudly, he turns his head to the side to look at you shyly for a moment and shows you his cute little smile, just very briefly, but adorably cute.

You are so close, very close to him, for a moment he can smell your scent even more clearly than before and a shiver runs through his body. If he wasn't sitting right now, Tech is sure, his knees would buckle under him. What's happening to him here, what are you doing to him? Does this have something to do with the Force? Tech doesn't dare ask. But he feels something like a connection, and he feels all warm. Maybe he's just incubating a disease. Are there parasites on Pabu that he doesn't know about?

His thoughts are racing in all directions, but then you move again, sit down opposite him. His gaze follows you, spellbound. Tech blinks several times, trying to collect himself. Spending time with you is so wonderful in a way, so exciting, but it also completely messes with his head.

"Are we going to play a game? Will you teach me?"

His mouth opens, but it takes him a long moment to find his voice again.

"I… yes, I'd love to. But the circumstances aren't exactly fair. My mind is… special, it will be anything but easy to win against me"

With a soft laugh whose sound tickles all the way to his stomach, you say, "I don't have to win, first I just want to learn"

You learn quickly. Surprised, with a very slight tinge of frustration, and not a little appreciation, he notes that you soon beat him over and over again.

"No one has ever won against me until now," he says, impressed, but also thoughtful.

Part of him was hoping to impress you, but now he almost feels a little intimidated.

You smirk.

"Well, this is a game where a lot depends on how well you know your opponent and how to interpret their behavior. I have a simple advantage, I can sense your intentions in the Force, maybe the circumstances really aren't fair."

His pulse races. Instead of being angry that you more or less cheated through the Force, panic rises in him. If you can sense his intentions, can you sense what you are triggering in him?!

You tilt your head slightly to the side and look at him questioningly, which only emphasizes his fear. Tech jumps up, nearly knocking over the box still containing your playing cards.

"I have to take care of something," he stammers and runs out of the room a little too hastily.

Echo enters the cockpit of the Marauder in search of Tech. He finds him there, too, using a medical scanner on himself. Echo's brows go up questioningly.

"Tech, what's wrong?"

Startled, Tech looks up, collects himself, and finally answers, "I'm looking for traces of a disease or parasite."

Concerned, Echo moves closer.

"So you're not feeling well?"

Tech sighs and says, "It's hard to tell. I'm showing certain symptoms"

"Which are?"

"Increased heart rate, queasy feeling in stomach, sweaty palms, shaky knees".

Echo frowns and says, "That doesn't sound like a parasite."

Echo thinks for a moment and then something occurs to him. With a certain undertone, he asks, "Those symptoms wouldn't happen to show up in connection with our Jedi guest?"

Tech lowers the scanner and looks critically at Echo.

"Are you suggesting she might have infected me with something?"

Echo says, amused, "More or less. She's pretty, she's nice, well she's special."

Tech sighs softly and says, "I agree."

Echo sits down in the copilot seat, looks at Tech and says, "You'd rather be sick than in love?"

"In love?!" echoes Tech in near panic.

His brother raises his hands placatingly.

"Relax, it's a normal thing, not the end of the world. But it's also natural to have a certain respect for these feelings. They make us vulnerable and as soldiers we are trained to avoid such things, especially as clones. But there are no regulations anymore, you could take the leap and explore these feelings."

Techs heart beats faster, just the thought that there might be something between you sends what feels like millions of signals through his body.

"Are you scared?"

Tech gulps.

"I'm not sure about that, in a way I guess I am. She can use the Force, maybe she already knows, maybe she's already sensed what I'm feeling."

Echo shrugs.

"I suppose it's possible. But so far it doesn't seem to me like she's avoiding you, that's a good sign after all."

Tech nods slowly, agreeing with his brother.

The sun is slowly setting, but it is still wonderfully warm. Your hands rest on the waist-high stone wall in front of you and feel the warmth of the sun stored in it, which has been shining on it all day. A real, pleasant feeling. Then you feel something else, with your mind.

"Hey, Tech. Did you get done what you needed to get done?"

You turn to him with a smile. It's almost unusual to see him without his datapad in his hand. Tech stands next to you and looks out at the ocean and how the sun seems to be sinking into the water on the horizon.

"Yes, I have," he says softly.

You can sense that something is going on beneath his surface, he is excited and euphoric at the same time, but outwardly he seems quite calm. You look at each other, you feel it coming, but you don't move a muscle. Unsure if you want to let it happen or not. He leans towards you, his lips chastely touching your cheek, then he straightens up again with blushing cheeks and looks out at the water again, unable to face your gaze.

It's a strange feeling. You like Tech a lot, you can't quite place it yet, but something about it feels wrong, maybe because you can't quite release Howzer from your heart yet.

"Sorry," he says suddenly, "I didn't mean to cross any lines."

You sigh softly and carefully reach for his hand. Tech's heart overflows with joyful excitement, you can feel it, it practically spills over to you, but you pull yourself together.

"There's something you should know, Tech."

He does finally look at you again, questioningly.

"You can tell me anything," he says quietly.

With a cautious smile, you nod and say, "I can feel what you feel for me, at least I think I can. These feelings, I must admit, are not entirely one-sided."

There is great joy radiating from him, nervousness, euphoria, but also a bitter undertone of insecurity.

He says, "I have a feeling there's still a 'but' there."

You nod again and say, "My heart is not ready to let go of Howzer. I know he's most likely no longer among the living, but I'm not ready to let him go just yet."

"Oh," Tech says quietly, "That's not a problem. I, um, I can wait until you're ready."

"I can't ask you to do that, I don't know how long it will take" you say uncertainly, lowering your eyes.

You would love to let him hug and comfort you, just let go and snuggle up to Tech's side, but something, hidden deep inside you, prevents you from doing so.

Tech repeats determinedly, "I can wait," and very gently squeezes your fingers in his hand.

At that moment, your heart opens a little wider to him and his, adorably sweet, little, smile.

"Rex is coming to Pabu," Hunter says, "And he's bringing some more of our brothers with him that he was able to rescue from the clutches of the Empire."

You remember Rex, a little bit, anyway. A decent guy, good soldier, he was Skywalker's Clone Captain. Skywalker was the only Jedi at the time who seemed to understand you to some extent, at least you always had a good conversation with him. You wonder where he is now, if he is still alive. But a noise pulls you out of your thoughts.

A shuttle is approaching and lands next to the Marauder, which suddenly seems quite small in comparison. The ramp opens and Rex emerges from it, followed by several other clones.

Tech shows up next to you, giving you a gentle smile before focusing on the arrivals, his datapad in hand as usual.

You greet the new arrivals. Rex even recognizes you, you talk for a moment when you hear someone say, "Hey little Jedi."

There is only one man who has ever called you that.

"Howzer", the name comes across your lips like a whisper.

You turn around and see him standing in front of you. He looks tired, but the smile on his face is still irresistible. Neither of you think for long. You embrace each other stormily and Howzer engages you in a long, longing kiss.

As his lips part from yours, he leans his forehead against yours and says, "Honestly, I hardly dared to hope I'd ever see you again, beautiful."

The world around you has faded out, there is only Howzer and you, even though all eyes are on you. Some confused, others amused. But you also feel Tech's shock, poking through all the other sensations surrounding you, like an electric shock.

The datapad in his hands crackles and creaks protestingly under the pressure of Tech's fingers as he watches your kiss. He didn't expect this, didn't expect Howzer to ever appear on the scene again.

Tech could have imagined waiting until you were ready for him, but this changes everything. The realization is like a shock, and a wave of bitterness rolls over him against his will.

The datapad cracks in his hands. Echo next to him stares in disbelief at the kissing scene, then his gaze shifts to Tech with concern.

"Tech…" he says softly, but Tech drops the datapad to the floor, turns on his heel, and walks away in a hurry.

Hunter and Echo exchange a frown, a worried look.

"I'll go check on him," Echo says, and sets about following Tech.

That same evening, you're sitting on the beach with Howzer, holding hands, talking, telling each other all the things that happened during the time you were apart. Then you feel it again, the tentative, tender presence of Tech. You turn your head and look up at him.

You haven't seen him since this morning, since Rex and Howzer arrived. You don't know where he's been or what he's been doing during that time. But since Echo followed him and also stayed gone all day, you suspect he was talking to his brother.

"I'm sorry to bother you. I know you probably have a lot to talk about, but I'd like to ask for a private conversation," Tech says in a matter-of-fact tone.

Howzer frowns questioningly, but when you agree and leave with Tech, he has no objections, trusting you and waiting on the beach as Tech and you walk away, out of earshot and sight.

"I know," Tech begins, "Things have changed now, of course. Howzer's still alive, and I don't presume to make demands or get in the way. I'm very fond of you, and even though I'd like to be in Howzer's place, all I really want is for you to be happy."

His pain is deep and more intense than you expect, you can feel it almost as clearly as if it were your own.

"I'm so sorry, I-"

Tech raises his hand.

"No, don't be. Neither my feelings nor the current situation are your fault. You should be happy, you have the man you love back."

Everything inside you tightens. Yes he is right, you should be happy, but you are not, not completely. But maybe that's just what you feel going out from Tech.

"Something about this whole situation doesn't feel right," you say so softly that he almost doesn't hear it.

He smiles sadly and says, "That's just because you're a good person, you have a good heart. You know that I feel pain, and you would like to change that. But you can't, this is something that will heal with time."

You take a deep breath, stand on your tiptoes, and he leans towards you. You gently kiss Tech's cheek and say, "You know I still care about you immensely, right?"

He swallows, finally nods, and says, barely audibly, "I know that."

As you part ways, he stares after you for a long time as his hand automatically moves to his cheek and his fingers settle on the spot where you kissed him. He will never forget this moment.

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@allsystemsblue

@palliateclaw

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@extrahotpixels

@hated-by-me

@hunterxcrosshair

@malicemercy

@bebopsworld

@echos-girlfriend

@cpnt616

@dangraccoon

@jediknightjana

@pb-jellybeans

@starwarsnerd111

[leggerefiore]

Icy Night

cw: power outage, freezing a bit, fluff, ingo has confidence issues about relationship, frosmoth ingo

pairing: Ingo/Reader

summary: Your power goes out in an ice storm. Frosmoth Ingo laments about his inability to warm you.

----

The Frosmoth hybrid would admit his worry with ease. The weather was much too chilled for any normal human to survive without any heating source. Naturally, his nature as an ice-type excluded him from this issue, but you… His frown could only deepen as you shivered and pulled the blankets tighter around you. You both had moved out of the city and into a more rural area to make living together an easier thing.

As much as you tried, you could not hide the distress the judgment of others about your decision to openly be in a relationship with a hybrid did to you. Bug hybrids, moths and butterflies, especially, were often viewed as little more than a nuisance or even a pretty sight. There was still judgment for any humans who decided to pair up with hybrids, of course. Unova was an odd place to Ingo at times.

It was your relationship with him that had led to your current circumstance. You shivered more. The area you moved into really was just outside out of Nimbasa, but just enough out that power issues became a problem in such a terrible storm. Ice coated the branches of the trees thickly, giving them an ethereal shine in the light. Its beauty was only skin deep, as issues became more apparent as the branches drooped lower and lower.

Ingo felt annoyance at the inadequate attempt by humans to stop this disaster from happening. Your lack of electric types meant everything appeared a bit hopeless. Emmet promised to help as soon as he could, knowing his horde of Joltiks alongside his Galvantula and Eelektross could easily remedy this issue. He was stuck at work, unfortunately. Even if he stated it was an emergency, the city was currently in one too by the unexpected weather and basically ordered him to stay. Elesa, offering her support remotely, apologised as she was out of country for work.

It was just you two together, and his blatant inability to warm you. He felt awful. Somehow, everything felt like it was his fault. Checking the phone for any updates from Emmet yielded nothing new and left him concerned. Your situation kept him endlessly worried. Ingo forced himself to remain still, fully aware of the chill his wings could bring with a single flap.

“I'm sorry, my love,” he apologised and gazed at the door desperately, “This is my fault… I should take responsibility.” Your eyes gazed into him harshly. Shaking your head, you crawled closer to him. It was a foolish move to cling to him, you were fully aware, but the hurt in those glittering eyes of his could kill you, too.

“Hey, it's okay,” you cooed, “It's not your fault. I really doubt you went outside with the pure intentions of creating an ice storm.” His antennae twitched a bit as his wings pressed further into his back. “Besides, I doubt any singular Frosmoth could cause this weather disaster.” He pouted deeply at that and shook his head.

“I most certainly could if I put my mind to it,” he argued a bit. You gave a light laugh at the image of Ingo flying as fast as he could and trying to cause an ice storm from a tundra in the middle of Unova. “... That's not what I meant… We wouldn't be here if it was not for my selfish desire to be with you,” he continued. You pouted this time.

“Oh, so you're the only one selfishly in love, then?” You joked, “What do you call my feelings for you, then? Selfless? Just really close besties?” His cheeks flustered a pale green tinge as he averted his eyes. “Ingooo, I'm just as selfishly in love with you as you are me. If not more. I was always into moths, you know.” A light joke, but one that sent him into a few chuckles as used his upper-right arm to clear a build up in his eyes and his lower pair to hold his stomach. You smiled.

“... Would any moth do, or did you prefer ones that are difficult to cuddle in the winter?” he asked, lightening up a bit.

“Mmm, I tried a Venemoth hybrid, but they were a bit toxic,” You gave another joke. “... I liked one that talked a lot, was oddly fascinated with, and on his younger twin too much. He was a bit a sweetheart despite his frigid appearance.” You laid a hand on his shoulder and beamed up at him. “I love you too much,” you softly poured your heart to him, “Don't blame yourself. I know Emmet will be here soon.” He took that hand softly and desperate, wished he could give you the warmth you so needed.

~

Emmet came and decided it would be best to just bring you both back to his apartment. His worry about your and Ingo's safety piled up, and he was not taking any risks. By the time you arrived at his building, you crept into the warmth of his apartment and curled up in Ingo's old bed with a yawn. The room had remained basically unchanged, Emmet clearly happy to have Ingo return at any time. You were out within minutes, and Ingo let out a relieved sigh.

The younger twin observed you both with curious eyes. “You know, my offer to stay with me is still open,” Emmet told his brother, who currently fumed on the couch while gazing out the window, “I don't mind two people living in my home. I am only here like… Mmm… thirty percent of my time?” With his hat off, Emmet's small antennae were plain as day. Ingo frown grew stronger.  Why could he not have been born the more human of the two? Then he could live a more banal life with you. Even the shallow warmth of Emmet's skin made pure envy rush through him.

The knowing look on the younger's face tormented him. Emmet sat beside him and wrapped an arm around him. “Brother, are you jealous of me?” he cooed. Ingo shook his head. It was something he would never admit aloud. Emmet did not have the best life either, forced to keep a secret about what he was and never able to make overly deep connections, with the worry they may out him as an incomplete hybrid. Ingo still envied the pseudo human life he achieved, even if Emmet himself would have preferred to be a bit more wild.

“... It would be better,” he told him, “If I was like you.” Emmet sighed and leaned back, looking at the window at the worsening weather.

“I don't think so,” the younger twin replied and stood up, “Are you hungry? I have some stuff in the fridge.”

“I eat ice.”

“That's what I was talking about.”

Ingo hated how much he laughed at that.

~

The morning arrived to you waking up to an empty bed. Yawning, you got up from the warm embrace of the Litwick printed duvet to find wherever Ingo was. Emmet's bedroom door was shut, so you headed into the living room. It was there you found the moth hybrid napping laid out on the couch. His antennae laid off his head, almost appearing as messy strands of hair against the soft colouring of his actual strands. The fuzz around his neck glittered with small ice fragments, and you gazed out the window to see a soft snowfall as opposed to the heavy ice from the previous days.

You softly caressed Ingo's chilled cheek, which stirred him from a slumber. A loud yawn came from him and he slowly opened his eyes. He stared at you with gentle affection for a moment before pressing himself deeper into your palm.  Before he realised what he was doing and retreated away. You clicked your tongue. That would not do. Not in the ever encompassing warmth of Emmet's apartment.

“Ingo,” you teased, “You can be affectionate here, you know.” To further your point, you crawled into his lap and nuzzled into his fluffy neck with a sigh. Ingo made a distressed noise but came to hold you quite quickly. Soft kisses were pecked to your head, where his antennae lightly tickled you. His lower arms remained tightly around you, but his upper ones came to hold your face softly. Your eyes stared deeply into his for a moment.

“... How can you love me?” he asked after daring to break the contact, “You're so wonderfully human, while I am so… Disturbing.”

“Disturbing?” you laughed, “I will admit I never thought I'd see a picture of a baby Snom devouring a curtain much to their mother's horror before, but I think it's bearable.”

“Is this what you must bring up every time?” he sighed and wished Emmet had never shown you it. His brother had a fascination with showing it off like he never ate curtains himself. “I meant… My inhuman traits.”

“What about them? I like your extra arms,” you smiled, “Your antennae are cute, your fluff is enjoyable to bury my face into, and your wings are one of the most gorgeous sights I have ever seen.” Ingo's face once again became a lovely pale green shade as he tried to suppress the joy your words brought. It was impossible to miss the shine in his eyes. “Ingo. I love you, even if you're a weird moth who likes trains despite being able to fly.”

The love in your eyes did not evade him, and he swallowed. There was no fighting this, he supposed. As long as you were happy with him, then… Then, he would allow himself to be happy with you. A soft, chilly kiss was pressed to your lips as a soft hum came from Ingo. When you finally parted, he spoke once more. “I love you, too, my dearest,” he told you, “If you'll truly have me, I will give you all I have.” You giggled and nuzzled your face into his fluff again.

~

Emmet stood rubbing his eyes and looking at you two gush your feelings to one another with a slight pang of envy in his heart. Would he ever find some like Ingo had? It was a scary thought to think him older brother would leave him behind one day. He was happy for his relationship with you but terrified of being alone.

“... Brother. On my couch?” he joked. Ingo jumped away from you with such talent, both you and Emmet remained awestruck for a moment.

Ingo then fell into gushing about what he was totally not doing.

[reeinrem]

A Thirst To Suffer; The Inclination To The Tragically Beautiful

“Man, the bravest of animals, and the one most accustomed to suffering, does not repudiate suffering as such; he desires it, he even seeks it out, provided he is shown a meaning for it, a purpose for suffering. The meaninglessness of suffering, not suffering itself, was the curse that lay over mankind so far.” - Friedrich Nietzsche, “On the Genealogy of Morals”

      I believe that my pain is what makes me a good person. For years, I've clinged on to my illnesses and sufferings knowing that they're the part of me that taught me survival, unconditional love, and the nobility of self-sacrifice. This led me to desire the very thing that may kill me - a dagger to my heart yet a badge of honor that I so badly want. The blatant irony of this yearning made me question my own intellect; what do I find beautiful and noble in the act of suffering and despair? Am I truly that desperate to be a paragon of self-sacrificing womanhood? 

     Although feeling alone with my thoughts, I was surprised to find out that this desire to suffer actually has its roots in early history. In his book titled “On the Genealogy of Morals”, Nietzsche states that the concept of ‘good’ was originally synonymous with the traits that aristocratic nobles possessed, such as bravery, wealth, strength, and physical health. He also cited etymological evidence - ‘gut’ being German for both ‘good’ and ‘man of godly race’. From this aristocratic framework of goodness, the concept of evil and bad emerged as the opposing traits of this ‘good’, which are the ones that are closely related to the traits that the common people had. Eventually, the common people constructed their own morality system of bad and good. To them, evil was associated with all the traits that aristocrats possessed and praised; wealth, power, and pleasure were now defined to be evil. Consequently, their version of good is the exact opposite of their bad. To be good is to not yield power, wealth, and strength, as manifested in a great multitude of religions today. To make it short, Nietzsche claims that human beings purposely subject themselves to pain in order to be considered a good person.

     Each of us are aware that suffering will always be relative to our humanity - almost as if it is woven in our DNA. Thus, to experience pain is inevitable, but to inflict this pain upon ourselves gives us a sense of control and self-mastery over our existence. Not only that, we solder moral values in self sacrifice and suffering, giving meaning to our pain. In Victor Frankl’s Logotherapy, the will to meaning is humanity’s main motivation to live, and to endure suffering. This suggests that suffering ceases to be suffering in the moment that meaning is tied to it. 

     I won’t deny that the fractures in my soul make me feel special. I admit that I view my pain to be poetic and beautiful as a way to cope with how much of it has eaten me alive. Everyday I offer myself like a cake to be cut and devoured by those I love; because maybe then I’m not only damaged - but rather a shattered mirror of nobility and devotion. I run away from worldly pleasures in hopes of being an instrument of goodness in this world. However, I’m starting to realize that I’m seeking misery and sacrifice in order to provide myself the happiness I’m willing to give to other people. This act of self destruction that is at once gratifying is a form of sadism that I can’t seem to escape. After all, my pain is what made me a good person, and through it I’ve learned to overcome the greatest shadows by letting the light seep through the cracks of my fragmented heart. 

[seyemvertisepra]

When a young god is ready to achieve final ascension into mature deity, they reincarnate into the physical form of a newborn; but a part of them stays behind with the pantheon in the realm of the gods. Central to Centauri cosmology is this concept of the self or soul as split into two parts:

The Higher Self, which is the part of the soul that dwells with the gods. It is an incandescent being, dense with energy and incredibly cantankerous and violent. It is said that if a Higher Self were to manifest on the material plane, it would break the world in two.

The physical body as it exists on the material plane; the body itself, rather then being seen as a vessel for the soul, is in its entirety the soul itself given form.

The Higher Self and the body remain connected by invisible threads, upon which the former is constantly yanking and pulling the later, which leads to obstacles and strife in an individual's life. The Higher Self is constantly in a battle to kill the physical form, and in order for the two to one day reunite as a full god revealed to and revered by mortals, an individual must confront their Higher Self many times throughout their life. These confrontations include inevitable periods of physical and spiritual sickness among other things, the first of which is birth and the last of which is death.

Classically, is the physical self's task to remain in the world as long as possible, to survive the constant battering it receives from The Higher Self, knowing that one day it will lose and then be judged for the quality of the fight it put up.

In the Republic, this was often twisted in order to justify the plummeting lifespan of men due to chronic stress and interpersonal violence, instead saying that the physical self's task was to give the Higher Self as legendary a fight as possible, not necessarily a long a fight as possible.

(It's also worth noting that while these rules should broadly apply to both men and women, the existence of women's Higher Selves and the role they play in their spiritual lives is often downplayed or overlooked. Despite being the central figures of spiritual life, women are often deprived of the time or encouragement to self-actualize as individuals within that framework.)

The Centauri penchant for the material comes directly from the belief in Higher Self battle; material pleasures are thought to help ground one in the physical world, meaning that things like eating and drinking as well as the creation of art, crafts and music are given a sacred significance. It's believed by many, for better or for worse, that this is a remnant of our uplift by The Shadows.

This lends Centauri Cosmology an unusual quality to outsiders; whereas most such Cosmologies center the unlocking of the self from burdens of material reality, to the Centauri, materialism itself is divine, a symbol that one is standing strong against their Higher Self, thus bringing them closer to the ultimate goal of union with it, and ascension to full Godhood.

Unhealthy manifestations of spirituality often lead to a fear of deprivation or a desperate clinging to the material in order to avoid Higher Self confrontations, something which leads to crippling self-stagnation. Healthy manifestations create a jovial and inviting outlook on the world and the time we spend in it between two eternities of darkness, someone who is able to move between their periods of weakness and strength with grace and understanding that both are temporary, and the ultimate goal is to rise above.

[gojou-violin]

☽ 𝒯𝒪𝒢𝐸 𝓍 𝐼𝒩𝐸𝒦𝒜 ☾

i present to you: more ineka x toge brainrot that i'm going to shove down everyone's throats until you ship them, too <3

jjk manga spoilers

i think 90% of the headcanons in this fandom can agree on one thing: toge would learn sign language in order to communicate better with others. the nice thing about being with ineka, though, is that he never has to use sign language or onigiri ingredients because ineka can just read his mind and then reply out loud, which makes everything so much easier and relieving for toge. and i bring this up because sometimes in sign language you can make a sign for people's names based on a feature of theirs. and i think that toge would want to come up with a name for ineka-- and the one he lands on is using his pinkie for "I" (we're gonna go off american sign language cuz it's what i know, and ineka's american, so it all works out ok) and then runs his pinkie down the insisde of his forearm from elbow to wrist to represent all of the watches ineka has to keep track of the curses he's copying at any given time.

so let's skip a whole lot of plot and yoink us into the culling game arc. toge and ineka got split up shortly before shibuya because toge was required under the veil to help with the evacuations while ineka got caught up with trying to distract the elders back at the school. because of this, long story short, the elders send out ineka to kill itadori before toge can return, wounded, missing an arm. ineka has no clue what's happened to toge. he doesn't even know if he's alive. so during the culling game, when they find out that he's okay, he's just being cooped up in the school by the elders, ineka's a bit relieved because at least toge's safe.

skipping a bit more so we get to the good stuff ok.

towards the end of the culling game, seena and toji sneak into the school to retrieve some weapons; and seena asks megumi to use his new shadow technique to find toge in the school and ask him to come meet them in the weapons shed so that they can talk. when toge gets there, he's so relieved to see his teacher, and she's beyond words with how happy she is to see him- but her heart drops when she sees his missing arm and the dried blood that's clinging to his chin. she asks what happened while desperately trying to scrub the blood off his face. he signs to her that the elders have been using him for his technique... they don't care about the toll it's taking on him. he's pretty much lost his voice altogether at this point. but they keep telling him that it's all he's good for now that he doesn't have two arms and can't fight-- which is bullshit, and seena knows it; but this poor kid's been broken down by the elders and all the sorcerers in the school.

"come with us," she pleads.

with the scratchiest, croakiest voice you've ever heard, he refuses with, "okaka."

and while trying to go in circles begging him to leave with them, seena says that they're with ineka, he's okay, and he misses toge dearly. if he came with them, maybe everything would be alright. and there's a slight jolt in toge's shoulder like he's trying to sign ineka's name but he can't anymore. he pouts.

"i can't," he insists while signing with one hand. and then he points to his hip. "a tracker," he explains. the elders want to keep track of him because he's their golden ticket to surviving the culling game when all he has to do is say one word and he can destroy anyone or anything.

so, reluctantly, seena and toji have to leave him behind. it's not a pretty sight, though. seena's still begging and trying to hold onto toge while toji grabs her and has to drag her away, keeping her quiet with a hand on her mouth so that they don't get caught; and then they get back to ineka who's so confused as to why seena's so upset until megumi and toji have to explain to him that they saw toge, that they offered him a way out, but he refused in order to keep ineka safe.

ineka is the most protective and possessive motherfucker you've ever seen is2g.

this dude goes FERAL when he hears this. he tries to make a run for it to the school, but they hold him down. he tries to steal megumi's cursed energy so that he can use his new shadow technique to get into the school, but megumi covers himself up enough that ineka can't make contact with him. he begs toji to show him the secret wat into the school. he's even shaking itadori to try to bring sukuna forward to make some kind of deal with him.

"you can't go back there, ineka, because that's exactly what the elders want," megumi explains. "if you go there to see him and you get caught, we're all fucked."

and there's this moment of silence where ineka realizes megumi's telling the truth but it still hurts because how can they leave toge at the school with people who are just using him? aren't they supposed to be the most powerful sorcerers of their generation? why can't they do more to save him?

[fantasyrehammered]

a girl sits alone in her bedroom. her window is open, as it always is at this time of the month, and she is breathing in the scents of springtime. She smells the flowers down in the meadow. she can almost taste the nectar on her tongue. She watches the moonlight trickling out from behind the clouds.

dread roils in her gut. and worse than that, anticipation.

it's difficult to explain the werbeasts without explaining the barghests. It's difficult to explain the barghests without explaining the elves. it's difficult to explain the elves without explaining the Old Forest. it's difficult to explain the Old Forest without explaining the Verdant.

but let's see how far we get!

the elves were once primordial spirits, flitting from acorn to leaf to fox to falcon with all the ease of wind. but in the same incident in which the Verdant were born, many spirits chose to take physical forms in order to fend off the encroaching corruption. these forms were pristine and beautiful (to their fae whims, at least, which, as legend has it, had been a little preoccupied at the time with the slenderness of dandelion seeds). they were untouchable to the powers of Chaos.

physically incorruptible, but not indestructible. the Verdant drove the hostile elves from the Old Forest, and the Old Forest grew dark and twisted, dangerous to any who lived at war with Chaos. ever since that day, the elves say, no woodland has been safe from the depredations of the Ruinous Powers without their direct, exclusive stewardship.

the elves had escaped their doom, and they had ensured their forms should never twist, mutate or age as their beloved forest had. they could see nothing beautiful in the contorting trees, nor in the Verdant themselves.

but solid forms didn't come easy to those elves.

elves are still spirits at heart, and some spirits among them found their new prisons unbearable. they thrashed and strained, longing to be anything that they were not--a corruptive desire, to be sure, but not an evil one. they clawed and tore, desperate, hungry. wind cannot survive in a bottle.

so, sensing the danger of corruption, these elves' untouchable vessels did what they were created to do: they pushed these desires down, tried to quash the rebellions.

it was like driving a hammer upon a bed of embers. Cinders flew. and the elves burned.

what emerged from their eyes, when they at last opened once more, were the barghests.

at least, so the story goes.

she was just so tired of being alone.

loneliness led her to the elf in the woods, the pretty elf in the red wolf pelt who everyone had told her did not exist. loneliness made her listen to the woman's sweet words, made her cling to those promises, made her follow the elf all the way to the stream. she hates that a part of her misses that monster still, the thing that laughed at her even as the witched water had trickled down her throat and cursed her forever. at least her corrupter had bothered to take notice.

It wasn't fucking fair.

the barghests are the progenitors of all werbeasts, spreading their deadly curse any number of ways. A bite is only the most famous method. for one barghest, it might be meeting his gaze. for another, it might be allowing her to kiss you, or to convince you to defy your elders. corruption punishes the free spirit. corruption isn't fair at all.

the change begins. she knows it must, knew in her heart that there was no way the pendant of Shallya would save her. still she clutches it in rising panic. her heart begins to beat faster.

too fast.

too many heartbeats.

everything dissolving.

the hum. the hum is back. the hum is rising, getting louder and louder and louder...

a barghest's true form is that of a hulking black wolf or mastiff, but all barghests possess powers of shapeshifting. the barghest keeps to the woods, its honey words filtering from the shadows as it stalks soldiers around their campfire, or persuades a traveler they should tarry on their journey to pick some flowers for their grandmother.

notably, a barghest's curse does not always make the victim a wolf (although a werbeast's own bite will always 'curse true'). animal forms vary widely, always appearing to bestow some sort of ironic punishment on the victim--or, rarely a "reward", a corruptive version of their deepest longings to tempt them to succumb.

her mind dissolves once again, as it always will beneath the full moon, into a chorus of scents and colors and motions. there is nectar on the wind. an open window. tomorrow, those flowers in the meadow will drip with an oily, corruptive ichor. the townsfolk will probably blame it on the wise woman, or the stranger at the inn, or maybe even that queer friendless beekeeper who wouldn't stop talking about her phantom elf two months ago.

the girl, not a girl anymore, takes off into the air on thousands of wingbeats.

and the little part of the girl that can find itself in the clamor at once hates and clings to what a relief it is to no longer be alone.

There is no cure for the curse. men who succumb fully will become wolves that act like men, cunning and cruel, calling out in human tongues to lure even their own loved ones to their deaths. men who seek to smother the curse in charms and herbs will become men that act like wolves, wild and hungry, hiding their corruption as they treat their fellow man like prey.

either one is less than what they were. in truth, only by accepting both human and beast can they be truly whole again.

of course, the societies of Reikland tend to take an ill eye to people suddenly showing up with wolf ears or bee antennae. What a shame!

--Spider Ariadne

[demigoddessqueens]

Hello just want to like request something for critical role, like the one you did before but instead of the almost dying what about if the reader actually died??? Or maybe when they realized that they actually loved you??

I would be happy with either. Love your writing ❤❤

Oooh this hurts 😢 💔 but I love this angsty idea!! Gonna be Big Sad™️ feels and tears. Title is based off That song by Lord Huron.

Follow up to “don’t break my heart” . Posted on ao3

ghost of you

Vex’ahlia:

No, not you. Not you! She's lost a home, her mother, almost her brother, but your life ebbed away. All in a vain attempt. She wants to yell at you, scream, cry, but still have you here with her so that you two can laugh about it later. But the archer will never get that chance. Her quiet sobs are muffled by Vax's tight embrace in a vain attempt to soothe the irreparable damage done to his twin's heart.

Scanlan:

The bard has the hardest time refusing to accept your passing. One moment ago, you managed one last weak smile to him and the next, your hand goes limp in his. At first, it's denial. You're stronger than this, you've gotten through worse. The grief hits him harder than any fight he's survived. His muse, his light, the one who was always by his side in whatever schemes is gone. A cold spot that does not go unnoticed. Scanlan was never the best with words, but the songs compose only talk about what could have been. What was gone, and what he will miss for the remainder of his life.

Pike:

The healer was desperate to get back to you. Panicked voices and scrambling to pack her things. She never sleeps all the days it takes to travel. It's not until the cleric reaches the Keep in Emon does she see the grief-stricken faces of her friends. Grog is the first to break the news to his best friend, and the first to catch her when she sinks to her knees in despair. Faith shattered and heart broken, she can't bring herself to say the final rites that bless you into the next life. What's the point if there's not one to be shared here with her?

Vax’ildan:

The half-elf feels every precious moment dwindling away as your breaths grow more shallow with each passing second. The strain in his voice tugs at your heart. You muster what is last of your strength, the warmth of his lips the last goodbye as you feel everything growing cold. "You'll find me again, love. I promise." You don't feel him clinging to you desperately, begging and sobbing for you to come back. Vex'ahlia sees something break in her twin that day, and she hears him every night when the nightmares and heartbreak are too much for him to handle alone.

Keyleth:

You risked his life for them, but you couldn't save yourself? She's already been ordered to leave her people, and meeting you was the most unexpected element from this quest. The druid tries whatever healing magic she has, begging Scanlan if he can manage it. With your last words, you grip the air ashari's hand to seal it with the last kiss she will feel from you. She does not care that the tears flowed freely, cradling you close to her, begging for you to return. It won't be for another 2000 years that she finally sees you again, and all the memories from before come rushing back to her.

Percy:

When he saw you fall, the sound left the room. Nothing but white noise shrouded his mind as he raced to your side. He still doesn't recall what happened that day, but he must have been yelling as his throat felt hoarse and you cupped his face to soothe him one last time. When he felt your last breath pass, the raging and painful tears just resurface again tenfold. He hears the last words of Delilah in a mocking "- family, and now you couldn't save the one you love" before he strikes her down. He doesn't care what he looks, however frightful the demonic form looks. There was no joy left to salvage in his wretched life.

Grog:

He didn’t know what type of feeling was building in his chest, but Grog was starting to hate it every second. The barbarian can feel the love he had for you shatter with each second, thinking you've just fallen asleep or passed out from the pain. Call it bargaining or denial, it all comes crashing down once Pike returns, because it means that she never healed you. That you haven't woken up since then. Back at the Keep, it's a silent mourning say for the sobs that Pike tries to soothe throughout the night. She adored you as well, and knew how much you meant to her best friend.

[linkspooky]

What Eren Wants

After all the mystery surrounding Eren’s true intentions, what Eren really wants in the final arc, this chapter lays it out quite clearly. Eren wants his friends to kill him. Not because he thinks it’s going to achieve some grand objective in a secret plan he’s had all along that requires he sacrifice his own life. I think Eren just wants to die. Suicidal ideation, is a symptom of a much bigger underlying problem, it’s a passive longing to die. More on this, and more on Eren under the cut. 

1. No Future

Eren is committing metaphorical suicide in his final act with the rumbling. It’s a pretty thinly veiled metaphor too, considering Eren just tells his friends that they have to kill him. Consider the two characters who Eren is paralleled against the most with this arc: Zeke and Reiner. 

Zeke’s wish has always been the opposite of Eren’s. Eren believes he was free because he was born in this world. Zeke, who was born as a part of some great plan, not as a child to be loved, but a child to be made into a soldier a tool for his parents wishes he wasn’t born. He thinks all suffering can be avoiding if only he never existed in the first place. 

This wish, to stop existing, because it’s the only way to end suffering is plain and simple suicidal ideation. Xander even tells Zeke as much when recounting the story of his family, that he became a warrior candidate because he wanted to die in the worst way possible. 

Consider Zeke’s view of his own life. HIs family never loved him. He was born without love, therefore there’s no love in his life, and no future. Not only is there no future for him, but there’s no future for all Eldians in general. From that point forward what Zeke seeks is not to heal, but rather to alleviate pain. They’re the thoughts of a suicidal person. 

Reiner who is compared to Eren endlessly, who committed the same sin that Eren did, deciding to knock down the walls and destroy everybody inside is shown with this same hopelessness in regards to his own life. 

Once again there’s the repettition for the wish for it all to end. Reiner who is a child soldier just like Eren. Reiner who once believed he was doing something good, that he was fighting for a cause. Reiner’s wish to die is even more thinly veiled then Eren’s. 

In this scene Reiner is exposed to Eren’s desire to be like him and Mikasa, to be someone he perceives as strong, and also his fear deep down that he’s going to die a worthless death. He’s going to die having achieved nothing. This is important for later, because Eren’s suicide isn’t just killing himself, he’s also staging it so he’s dying for a cause, for an idea like freedom, he’s trying desperately to give his death meaning. 

Reiner tells Eren that the only thing the both of them can do is to keep moving forward. However, what Eren and Reiner do is they continually throw themselves into more conflict again and again, unnecessary conflicts. That’s why this is paralleled with what happened to Marco because, Marco tried to give them a chance to talk things out but Reiner made it a fight. 

Reiner and Eren’s tendency to throw themselves into conflict again and again is, self-harming behavior. They’re intentionally risking their lives because it’s the only way they can try to find meaning in their lives and try to fight against their own feelings of worthlessness. 

They are trying to prove something to themselves by putting their lives on the line, they are trying to find meaning in the conflict that has dominated their entire lives (remember they are child soldiers, they were raised not by parents, but by the war around them and it’s practically all they know by this point). Reiner and Eren’s dream to destroy the devils of Paradis, to Eliminate all the Titans has always, always, been paralleled with their wish to die. 

Immediately after he says this it cuts to Reiner with a gun in his mouth. It’s not really subtle imagery. Eren also says, something incredibly similiar to Reiner’s series of flashbacks here. 

Eren says to Falco there are those like him and Reiner who choose to throw themselves into hell again and again, because they’re hoping to get something out of it. This is willfully self-harming, self-endangering behavior, Eren and Reiner throw themselves into conflict again, and again, and again hoping to try to get some meaning out of that conflict but they won’t because war is hell bla bla bla. 

Falco even repeats the line that Eren said to Reiner, because that’s what Eren believes deep down, and what Eren is desperately trying to avoid, that he is weak, that he is powerless, that there is no hope for someone like him. Better to sacrifice his life for some cause, then die a worthless death. And like I said, these feelings have been inside Eren for a long time he even casually thinks about it before kissing HIstoria’s hand. He even begged Historia to kill him in the Uprising Arc. Eren and Reiner have been fighting against these feelings for a long time, and eventually, they grew tired of the fighting. 

2. Child Soldiers

The diffference between Reiner and Eren, is Reiner is still able to see some kind of future that Eren himself has given up on. 

Falco is what stops Reiner’s suicide. The idea that Falco still needs him. Reiner, Zeke, Eren, the three of them are all child soldiers who need to grow up, but find themselves unable to because they’ve been raised by war not family. Eren’s reckless regard for the lives of children is meant to be compared to Reiner’s protectiveness over Falco and Gabi. 

Eren’s suicidal feelings are always connected towards this reckless violence towards children because, for the same reason as Zeke ends up gravitating towards euthenasia, neither Eren nor Zeke can even imagine any kind of future for themselves. 

Eren’s fear has always been that he hasn’t grown up. That not a single thing has changed since the day his mother died. That deep down he’s still that useless brat that watched her die. That’s how Eren perceives himself, a child, a brat, that’s how he always has. 

We never really saw him get over this self perception either, at best he’s been made aware of this. When Hanji sees Eren acting out, they make constant jokes about Eren just being in his rebellious phase and growing up. 

Floch even says, deep down inside, Eren believes he’s always right, therefore he doens’t really ever change his beliefs or give them up when he’s challenged. He acts like an unreasonable child. IE. Someone who cannot be reasoned with. 

He even calls Mikasa the grown up for being able to let go and change her beliefs. It makes sense that Eren is this way, he’s been coping terribly with the loss of everything, and constant insecurity since childhood. Child soldiers are, stunted and not well adjusted. None of the characters are in the story, a lot of them still cling onto ideas they’ve held since childhood. Armin still sees himself as the weak one even though he currently has the storngest titan, and is in a position of power and responsibility in the army. Mikasa still sees herself as needing Eren to come home, and needing Eren to be there to have a family even though she’s always been stronger than him. Even though she’s capable of moving on. Annie still wants to run away back to her father, because that’s what he told her to do when he was a little girl. 

This is a story where all of the characters are child soldiers struggling to grow up. Even Erwin himself, clings to the dream his father gave him when he was a child. This is the how much the military, and the continual conflict has destroyed the lives of the children it eats up. That’s what Magath realizes in the end, that they were all just normal children, before he got his hands on them. 

Eren is just, the worst of this. IN a story where they are all struggling to grow, Eren has given up. Which is why we see both him and Ymir pictured now as eternal children. 

Eren is stunted, not only that he’s given up on the possibility that he might ever be better. It’s the way he refers to his own life now. This was always going to happen. He was just born this way. Eren remembers the scene where he gave Mikasa the strength to live, but he only remembers the fighting, only remembers the cruelty where he killed two men in order to save a little girl, and insists that it’s always going to be this way the only way he can keep going is to kill and struggle and kill some more. 

3. Live

Eren has all but forgotten the moment where he wrapped the scarf around Mikasa’s face, because the true importance of that scene is now lost on him. What he gave Mikasa was not a reason to fight, but a reason to live. It’s not something Eren gave her by picking up a weapon or telling her to fight, but by being by her side all this time. 

Eren who only sees the fighting and not the future after forgets what he was trying to do in that moment, which was save a little girl’s life and tell her to live. 

Eren thinks what got Mikasa attached to him was the violence he showed in that moment, the fact that he killed her captors, and not the comfort he showed her afterwards, not the home, because Eren ever since his mother died cannot move past that fact and believes there’s no home in this world for him, no family for a boy who cannot even protect his own mother. 

The world is cruel for making them fight to survive, but it’s not just cruel. That’s the idea that Mikasa has always represented. If Falco and Gabi are the children that Reiner protects because they are his last connection to the wrold, then Mikasa is Eren’s most important connection. She represents his desire to do more than just fight, to live in a world th’at scruel, to live together with her. 

And Eren is doing his best to turn his back away from her. 

Mikasa remembers the connection of that moment, and Eren only remembers the violence, Mikasa a little girl brutally killing two of her captors. Of course they both remember it wrong, Mikasa ignored Eren’s violence and only saw his kindness. Which led her to become codependent on that connection for so long like it was the only one that existed for her, like she could not connect to anybody besides Eren because he was kind to her in that moment. Whereas, Eren has always seen Mikasa’s strength as a barrier to their relationship. He has a complex about Mikasa, she’s stronger than him, when she tries to get close to him and protect him he sees that as her looking down on him. 

Eren can’t possibly see why Mikasa would want to be with somebody as weak as him, because he just doesn’t see what’s so lovably about himself. Eren only sees violence, MIkasa only sees love, and because of that they both can’t see each other. 

This chapter, it’s Armin who does most of the pleading, but Mikasa is literally always in the center of the frame. She puts her desire most simply. Eren doesn’t have to do this. He doesn’t have to choose death. They could still have a life together.

What Mikasa wants is to live. That’s what her arc has always been about, a little girl who wants to live on in a world that’s cruel.  She also wants to be what Eren was to her so long ago. She wants to tell him he can live. 

Mikasa is the first one to run to Eren.  She’s the one who flashes back to the child Eren because she’s the one who knows him the longest. 

When Reiner says that Eren is probably wants it all to end by someone else’s hand. It’s Mikasa who the focus suddenly falls on. 

Mikasa will always be Eren’s strongest connection to his own lifeline, his desire to live together and have a future with her, represented by the red scarf wrapped around both of their necks. 

When Eren was about to give up on living, Mikasa reminded him that just him being there next to her side all that time was enough for her. 

The promise to wrap the scarf around her neck, is simply a process to live with her. 

But, Eren doesn’t want that anymore.  He just wants to die. 

[tommyspeakycap]

Can we get baby little Shelby find a bunny and ask Tommy and John to take it home. And get scolded by Polly when they at home? 💕💕

more pre war Tommy fluff ;) 

Bunny

“Tommy!”

The dark haired man’s heart flies into his throat, his mind immediately kicking into gear as he drops the coin he was about to flip. He was deciding whether or not to buy a horse with a new inflow of cash they had recently gotten. That horse is lost the second he hears the shriek that came from somewhere behind him. The heavy boots on his feet make easy work of crushing through powdery snow, but give a very little to prevent him from tripping and slipping; although the fear coursing through him and his extreme haste may well have contributed to his somewhat uncoordinated limbs.

In the maybe a minute that it takes form Tommy to get from where he was to where he had traced his little sister to, a million and one thoughts race through his mind. He fears every worst case scenario his mind can conjure up and immediately blames himself for bringing you out to the country to play in some fresh snow with John and Finn. The air was much clearer out here and so too was Tommy’s mind. He could think, be free of the city smoke and the harsh environment that appears to be tacked to his work in the family business. There was so much pressure on the raven haired bookmaker to uphold his own personal morals while also living a notoriously immoral life. He tried to keep his hands clean, prevent himself from muddying the line between pointless violence and the necessary survival and protection of his family.

So going with his 5 year old little sister out to the county was something not uncommon for him. And the snow had only given him more reason to. He regretted that now.

“What-” Tommy wheezed out, unable to speak for lack of his breath after attempting to run through the deep, deep snow. “What’s happened,” he coughs, “Are you alri-“

“Tommy!” The little girl whispers harshly, waving her hands at him disapprovingly, “Shhhhh, you’ll scare it away!” Tommy snaps his mouth shut, instead opting to take the five year olds outstretched hand and crouch down as she instructs him. On her other side is John; crouched down with one arm around Finn to keep him still. “What are we looking at?” Tommy asks quietly, his neck craned to try and spot whatever his other siblings had noticed. 

“It’s a bunny, Tom. Look.” (y/n) points with her little hand and Tommy follows the general direction in which her hand is showing him. In doing so, he squints and finds his gaze falling upon a small white rabbit sitting picking a blade of grass that it had pulled through the snow. “They want to take it home.” John states, grinning at Tommy something like a Cheshire Cat because he knows for a fact that man isn't able to say no to the puppy dogs eyes of (y/n) and Finn Shelby when they truly wanted something.

“Hm, I don't think so.” He mumbles, trying to keep his eyes off of the disappointed face of his younger siblings. “You know Aunt Polly’ll go mad.” The second he does turn his head to see his youngest siblings gazing up at him in the desperate way he knows always works, he regrets it. “Please Tommy, pleeeease?” (y/n) begs, clasping her cold little hands together and pulling her most convincing puppy eyes Tommy might've ever seen. “Yeah Tommy, please? Pretty pretty please?” Finn joins in, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet in excitement and anticipation at the idea of having the little bunny as a pet. 

“Yeah Tom,” John sniggers, stubbing out his cigarette on the snowy ground. The elder brother puts on a pout to mimic (y/n) and Finn, not serving to make things any easier for Tommy as the youngest two weren't able to pick up on John’s teasing nature and sarcastic reiteration of their words. They took it as encouragement while Tommy knew John would be going home to Martha and his own kids, thus wouldn't have to be on the reviewing end of Polly’s temper. Tommy rolls his eyes and inhales deeply, thinking briefly about how angry Polly would be compared to how much it would make you and Finn giggle to have a pet even if only for a while before Tommy would free it back into the wild and tell some lie about a magic bunny farm. The kids chanting brought his mind back. “Please, please, please!” 

“Alright,” Tommy cuts them off, “Alright. But we’re not chasing it around all afternoon.”

--

How on earth Tommy ended up holding his little sister as he stood in the doorway of the Shelby family home kicking the snow off his boots while said little sister had his big trench coat wrapped around her and her smaller jacket used as a blanket for their new bunny rabbit friend, he will never know. He genuinely felt like if he had been outside for one more minute he would have actually frozen stiff, however it was always his top priority that his littlest sibling was as safe as she could be; so it was suffice to say the idea of her getting frostbite and slash or hypothermia after she insisted on wrapping the little rabbit in her own coat was less than appealing to Tommy, so she could keep his warm winter jacket as long as she desired.

“Right Finn, straight into the living room and not a peep to Pol alright?” Finn nods vigorously in a show of his determination to follow his brothers order as he places the wrapped up bunny into the young boys arms. Finn tries to run as unsuspiciously as he can past Polly in the kitchen to go through to the living room where only Ada sat, reading a book by the fire underneath a blanket. 

“Tommy?” The little girls voice draws an “Mhm?” from him as he battles to get her stiff winter boots off of her tiny cold feet. “What're we going to name him?” She enquires, her voice as inquisitive as any other curious 5 year old is. Tommy hums in thought, tapping (y/n)’s other foot in the way that he does that tells her to put her foot down and lift the other one for Tommy to pull that boot off too. There was a distinct routine between the two that had been established in the last five years of her life with Tommy acting as her primary caregiver.

“I don't know, love. Whatever you want to call him. Just remember to stay quiet about it yeah?” He looks up to see his little sister nodding firmly, placing her finger over her lips just as Tommy had done so many times when secrecy or silence was needed. 

“Alrighty then.” Tommy says, lifting both the pairs of boots easily in one hand and putting them by the other shoes. He moves his hands to under the small girls armpits and hoists her gently back up onto his hip as to avoid her stepping small puddles of water that had collected from the snow on her boots and his by the door. “Shall we go see what your brothers gotten up to with that-” 

“Jesus fucking Christ Tommy.” 

Both siblings turn their heads quickly to face Polly when they hear her speaking with her stern scolding tone turned on. Polly immediately notes how Tommy looks slightly secretive, like he was ready to start either lying or making some form excuse for something for which her niece looked rather guilty. Deer in the headlights kind of expression. “Look, Pol...” Tommy begins, but is interrupted by his aunt firmly shaking her head and marching towards him. 

“I’ve told you a million times Thomas. She’s five. That means you do still need to put her bloody hat on when you take her out in the cold but you don’t need to fucking carry her everywhere.” She huffs, pressing both her palms against (y/n)’s cold rosy cheeks, “Shes bloody freezing.” Her scolding tone never fails to make Tommy feels as though he’s still a young boy who’s been caught misbehaving by his aunt. However now he’s an adult with responsibility for his little sister and somehow, he ends up on the receiving end of that tone far more than the littlest member of the family ever will. Polly peels Tommy’s coat away off the little girl in his arms so she could hang it up to hopefully dry some before he next needs it and (y/n) doesn't mind not wearing her brothers jacket anymore, however the words that Polly speaks about putting her back down only serves to make her cling a little tighter subconsciously. 

“She's only little, Pol.” Tommy defends, “And we had long day, haven’t we sweetheart?” Polly wants to scoff when (y/n) nods her head and offers up that angel smile that wins the hearts of her entire family, but the woman can’t help but smile back and shake her head. “Well,” she huffs slightly, her hand reaching back up to the little girl to to brush the snow off (y/n)’s hair, “I think the very least your brother could do if he was going to have you out in the freezing cold all day would be to put a bloody hat on you.” 

The little girl giggles, flicking her eyes to Tommy to inspect his reaction to their aunts words. 

“Remembered.” He notes flippantly with a grin and Polly knows fully well that it was not remembered because putting a hat on top of that little girls soft locks of hair was something he had never once remembered to do without a reminder since she was merely a little bald baby. 

“Course.” She responds teasingly, “Dinner’s out soon.”

Tommy nods his head before Polly walks away in the direction of the kitchen again, where Tommy had no doubt Arthur is now lingering to pick off the scraps of dinner before its put out on the table for everyone else. 

“That was a close one, Tom.” The little girl on his hip whispers quietly, her wide eyes causing Tommy to chuckle heartily as he takes them both through to the living room to see what Finn and now likely Ada were doing with this rabbit. “Yes,” Tommy agrees, walking into the living room “It very much was. Hello Ada.” Ada immediately rolls her eyes at the sound of Tommy’s voice. 

“Pol’s going to kill you, you know.” She states, standing and crossing her arms firmly over her chest as Tommy sets his youngest sister down on the floor to run over to where Finn sat with the bunny close to the heat the fire was giving off. “Probably.” Tommy nods.

Ada turns away to wrap her blanket around her only sister, the one she had wished and prayed for since she had been merely a little girl herself. Tommy vividly remembers the many occasions when Ada was not only his youngest sibling, but also his only sister and recalls how unhappy she had been about those facts. Finn being born eased only one of those issues, but Ada rested a while for the time that Finn was a baby before again pestering their mother about wanting a little sister again. 

She had been ecstatic when (y/n) was born, and she had been besotted with that sweet little girl ever since. 

“You always forget to put her hat on, Thomas.” Ada chastises, the reprimand drawing a chuckle from her brother who takes a seat down on the couch and crosses one leg on top of the other. “So I’ve heard.” Tommy mumbles under his breath, just loud enough for her to hear and stretch out her leg to kick his when she too sat back down on the couch.

“Twat.” She hisses. 

It was Tommy’s turn to role his eyes at his sisters flippant comment, paying no mind to her words thrown in a light tease that he knew she only ever half meant.

“That’s not very nice, Ada.” 

(y/n) doesn't do so much as turn around when she chides those words in dismay to Ada’s insult aimed at her Tom. There was no hiding how the little girl adored Tommy. “Exactly Ada,” Tommy grins widely, giving Ada the biggest shit eating look he can muster as he tried not to laugh, “And that’s why you're my favourite, aren't you my love?” The 5 year old simply nods her head in response to her brothers words before turning straight back to play with her new pet. 

“Well, she might be your favourite but you certainly won’t be Polly’s once she sees you’ve brought that home. She’ll go mad.” Ada nods her head in the direction of the fluffy white animal in their living room. Tommy shrugs his shoulders indifferently, “They're happy though, aren't they? and quiet. Worth it really.” 

Ada knew very well that Tommy was right, although it was likely that she wouldn't even think to much on that in his vicinity, just incase he even got the sensation that she was thinking he was in the right. They’ve got a big family and a lot of hard work had to go into making business run smoothly to provide for everyone. The younger kids can sometimes go amiss to the elder siblings on particularly busy days. Sometimes playing and talking to them gets overlooked or their clothes go on back to front because everyone forgot they sometimes still needed help with things like that. 

So giving them the simple pleasure of almost a normal childhood - not one living with the Shelby name and subsequently the future of the Peaky Blinders tacked to them - by letting them a pet that they can look after and love on for a few days at least was something Tommy was willing to grin and bare the wrath of Polly Gray for. 

He was a sucker for that little girl, so when she’s happy there are few things in the world Thomas Shelby wouldn't endure to keep it that way. 

[itstimetotheorize]

The bizarre mystery of the Little Nightmares 2  episode 2 comic

For those of you who are unaware, a few weeks before the little nightmares 2 game was released, the developers had announced that they would be releasing a new 6 part digital comic series. From what we were told, this comic series would update two “episodes”  every two weeks until the games eventual release.

of the many episodes that were seen, the most popular of the six  were the first and last, episode 1 and 6. Naturally, these two episodes gained an enormous amount of popularity due to our main protagonists mono and six being the main focus. However, aside from these two episodes, the other four presented an entirely different character. The four kids seen in these episodes were, the spoon girl, lollipop kid, ghost child and The toddler. 

At first, many fans had assumed the digital comics were created in order to help explain events that had occurred before mono met six in the little nightmares 2 game, in other words, many of us had believed that these comics were classified as prequel material for the events of the game....or at least....that's what we thought....

A few months after the games release, theorist such as myself began to work day and night trying to figure out every little detail  within the game in order to make sense of what the heck was actually going on in the little nightmares world, especially after “that” ending. In the midst of writing my own theories as well as reading and analyzing everyone elses, I began to notice that not many people had gone back to the little nightmares 2 digital comics in order to try and analyze details we might have missed.

Now, out of all of the things we saw and analyzed within the digital comics, there was always two little details that made many of us question the events of the comics, but for the longest time we never really bothered to think about it to much, because at that time...it seemed as though the answer was obvious, what am I talking about exactly? well, I’m talking about something that happened in the little nightmares 2 episode 2 comic. 

In episode 2, we once again watch another new child called “the toddler”  trying to survive within the little nightmares world. Near the end of the episode, the toddler wakes up from a horrific dream where he is killed in the very hole he is resting in. Frightened, he takes no chances and immediately leaves. As the boy marches on, he suddenly hears the terrifying screams of another child nearby. 

Curious, the boy follows the direction of the scream and comes across an old outhouse with a tv next to it, the tv suddenly turns on and the boy immediately becomes entranced by the televisions light.  Sadly, as he continues to stare at the tv, the thin man reaches out from the other side and all that is heard of the child are his frightened screams. 

As the panel draws away from the tv its revealed to us that the thin man had kidnaped the toddler and dragged him into the television.

When first seeing this episode, many believed it was the developers way of telling us that the thin man had spent much of his time kidnapping various kids around the world. Because of this belief, many of us had theorized that despite being locked up in the tower, within the pale city, the thin man was still fully capable of leaving, after all, we theorized that its was his main goal to search for mono and six. HOWEVER, upon reading episode 2, I couldn't help but feel that something was off and I’m sure there were a few others who felt the same. What exactly felt so off about this episode? well, for starters, this may sound strange but...something about that scream the toddler heard in the forest... didn't make sense.

And I know what you are thinking, “ well that was obviously just a kid screaming in horror as he/she was being taken by the thin man”, yes, I understand that.... but......as  I heard that scream over and over again, I couldn't help but feel it sounded like it was almost....”non human”

when the toddler was kidnapped by the thin man and he lets out his own screams of terror, I, as well as other, did not question it, because it genuinely did sound like a child screaming out in horror....so then... why didn't the other scream sound just the same to us?....unless....what if there was something else going on with that other child?...but what? the comics were short and did not present much information to the audience. In hopes of coming up with a breakthrough I decided to once again go back to the little nightmares 2 game and wait to see if some of the events within the game would help.

 As I watched the tower chapter of the game, for what feels like an infinite amount of times, I began to realize something....something so horrific that it could possibly once again topple every theory I had about the little nightmare's world and lead me and many other back to the theory board in order to make sense of EVERYTHING all over again!.... what exactly was so shocking? well.....the screams heard by the toddler in chapter 2....the very screams we believed at the time were just the cries of another terrified child within the little nightmares world....were NEVER the screams of someone we didn’t know!....whos were they exactly?...well.... they were the screams of MONSTER SIX!!!

But what on earth could this possibly mean???!!! Monster six was the final fight within the game, when mono faced her, he had already killed the thin man after being relentlessly chased by him....but if this is true then why was the thin man shown to be alive within episode two of the comics?!....unless.... What if episode two didn't take place before the events of the game...what if...it took place after mono freed the thin man in the game!! 

Perhaps this could explain why the toddler never encountered the hunter in the forest or near the outhouse, the hunter could very well have been already shot by the time the toddler was traveling through!.....but even if this is true, it still doesn't explain why we heard monster sixes scream in the episode or why thin man made an appearance in the forest rather than stay in the pale city were mono was located ...unless... what if something else was going on?

In the game, after the thin man captures six, six is later seen crying out for mono to help her escape the television.

unfortunately, once mono does free her from the tv, the thin man reaches his hand out and kidnaps six once again!

 As many of you may already know... this is the last time we see normal six.  As the thin man once again begins to pursue mono, mono manages to outrun the thin man on the trains by separating the railcars, 

after this moment however, we don't see the thin man again until after mono exits the manhole cover. The thing that doesn't make sense about this whole situation is... why didn't the thin man just reappear in the same area mono crashed the train?

 The thin man clearly has the ability to teleport to different parts of the pale city without the need of the tvs, after all, we even saw him appear in front of mono after he exited the manhole cover near the end of the game.

 So then, why didn't he do the same thing back when mono crashed the train? what was he really doing in that time? and most importantly...where did he go?!...perhaps we were already given an answer to his whereabouts, long before the game was ever released...

What if after realizing he couldn't catch up to mono on the train, the thin man made the decision to search elsewhere. In the midst of his search, did the thin man decide to go back into the television? expecting mono to walk past another screen so he could better find him? just like how he did every other time in the game?

What if the thin man did sense the presence of a child coming near another television...if he did, then what if the child he found on the other end of that television screen.... was never mono...it was the toddler! 

But if this is what happened to thin man during his brief absence, then what exactly happened to six during all of this?....perhaps we were also given an answer to that  as well.

Many of us had theorized that after thin man captured six, six had begun to feel the effects of the towers hypnotic  transmission as she was dragged through the television screen. After she was taken by thin man a second time and thrown back into the towers hypnotic light, the tower could have very well begun the process of turning her into monster six! and judging by how twisted her limbs are near the end of the game, its possible that the process of being distorted caused six to scream out in horrible pain! in the midst of her transformation, her screams could have echoed throughout the tower (just like her music box did ) and was heard by all those that were near a television, including the toddler!

Mono may not have heard her painful screams because he was already to far away from any tv at the time. The only thing he did find of six, after she became lost in the towers transmission during her time in the tower, was the one piece of her that was still desperately trying to cling onto the cruel reality it was fading from, shadow six!

Regardless of what is actually going on, this does beg the question, if episode 2 of the little nightmares 2 digital comics were to really take place in the middle of monos confrontation with the thin man and not before the events of the game, then what about the rest of the episodes of the comics? do they really all take place before the events of the game or is the timeline of the comics just as scattered as our speculations towards how the loop of the game and the little nightmares world is occurring?...honestly....whos to say....until we get some more information towards the lore of this world, everything’s still just a theory, a little nightmares 2 theory!

[jediken0bi]

Embrace

Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary:

Ever since Spencer came back from Prison there's been a certain distance between him and Reader. It seems that this is going to be make or break for them. Are they willing to work through their issues or will their insecurities get the best of them?

word count: 2203

-

You would be lying if you said that everything stayed the same after Spencer got back from Prison. Actually, it's more than fair to say that there are times where you're scared there's not much left of the Spencer you once knew.

You didn't love him any less because of it but it is hard on you from time to time.

You guys would come back from a case and instead of cuddling up to you, he'd opt to either go to sleep immediately or shut you out completely to the point where you couldn't help but wonder if maybe Spencer was the one who was starting to lose feelings for you.

The thought alone scares you like nothing on the job ever could. These last couple of months have brought a lot of uncertainty with them but the one thing you never had to question was your commitment to Spencer. You are confident he's the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

And before he went to Prison, you were confident he had felt the same.

Spencer can get a bit weird about people touching him. He didn't necessarily engage in a lot of activities that require touching one another before Mexico either but at least back then he had made an exception for you.

Contrary to what his friends and coworkers may think, Spencer was always incredibly affectionate with you whenever he had the chance.

He used to hug you tight every time you guys had come back from a case in order to assure himself you're both home and safe.

He always left little butterfly kisses on your nose, neck and forehead whenever he got close enough.

He would even hold your hand.

And you loved it. God, you loved it so much. The fact that Spencer reserved these soft touches for you only made you feel so incredibly special.

Which is why you felt so hurt once the touches stopped.

You understand that he went through a lot but you thought that this would bring you guys closer than ever. Instead you've never felt further apart from one another.

It's been almost a month and apart from the short hug when we got out and the occasional kiss goodnight Spencer hasn't touched you at all.

Enough is enough. If he wanted to break up with you then he would have to do it tonight. You love him more than he knows but you miss your boyfriend.

Right now, you're living with the shell of a man who once loved you.

You let out a big sigh as you got up from your spot on the couch and made your way to your shared bedroom.

You're wearing one of Spencers old CalTech hoodies. It hangs off your shoulders loosely as you try to open the bedroom door with your sweater paw. It might've looked ridiculous but it made you feel closer to Spencer. Almost like a hug from him. You missed those.

With wobbling knees you open the door and make your way to your boyfriend who's currently in the process of undressing.

It's been a long day and you can tell he's planning on going to sleep in order to avoid you again.

The realization breaks your heart.

"Spencer?" you ask in a small voice. You put one of your hands on his bare back and he almost flinches. You gulp lightly and tears are starting to form in your eyes.

He turns around to look at you and right as he opens his mouth to make up some excuse why right now isn't a good time, he notices your body language.

You look so tiny in his oversized hoodie and he almost smiles at the sight. But then he notices your tired eyes that are filled with unshed tears and the slouching in your posture which indicates you don't want to do whatever you're going to do next.

That look scares him. He's never seen that look before but he's got an unsettling feeling about it.

"Y/N, what's wrong baby?" He almost whispers. He cups your face in his hands and carefully turns it to either side to inspect if you got injured on this case after all. Had he missed it? He couldn't have. He kept such a close eye on you.

You wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. This is the most affection he's shown you all month and it almost makes you want to skip out on the following conversation. Part of you wants to be convinced that things will get better on their own account but that's naive thinking and you know better than to 'trust the process' in this case.

You put your hands over his and shut your eyes in order to avoid tears spilling over. You can't help but lean into his touch further.

You had it all planned out. You knew exactly what you were going to say. All that flew out of the window when you opened your mouth.

"Spencer if you don't love me anymore then please say so, so i can start imagining my life without you. Because right now that seems impossible and i can't be left behind by you out of the blue once you decide it's time"

Shit. Well that's not how you wanted to word it originally but the message behind it is the same.

It seems like it takes Spencer a total of maybe 10 full seconds to shake himself out of the shock of what just happened.

What, did he think you were just going to wait until he's made up his mind?

A small voice inside your head is yelling at you to stop making assumptions but you're so scared and so afraid of what he's going to say next that focusing on anger seems like the better option.

Your boyfriend withdrawals his hands from your face and you clench your eyes shut. This was it. He is going to leave you and you're going to have to figure out how to deal with it.

Tears are starting to involuntarily roll down your face and before you can even make the attempt to wipe them away Spencer is already crushing you in big hug.

You're too overwhelmed to understand what's happening anymore. All you know is that you love Spencer and that you want to spend every second he'll give you in his arms. If this was the last time, might as well make it count.

He tries to pull you impossibly closer to him and you finally return the embrace by wrapping your arms around his neck.

You can't really hold it in anymore and start sobbing into his neck. You tighten your grip even more.

"Come back to me please"

It's your desperate attempt to keep the love of your life around but you can't be bothered to be embarrassed about it. If he was going to leave you, you'll have zero regrets.

It's only when you feel Spencers body shaking that you realize he is crying into your shoulder as well.

Every logical thought of yours went out of the window then. All you could think about was making it better. You never want to see him cry like this again. Not after everything he's been through. He deserves laughter and fun. And love. So that's what you're doing right now.

Loving him.

He starts violently sobbing and you run your fingers through his hair. Your other hand is caressing the nape of his neck. You press soft kisses into his skin and mumble sweet nothings in his ear.

He needs this right now. Maybe this is what he needed all along.

"Shh it's okay baby. You're okay. You're safe and you're with me. I'm not leaving okay? I love you. Let it all out"

He tightens his grip even more and buries his face deeper into your shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I love you so much please don't leave. I'm sorry"

It breaks your heart to hear him so broken. It brings new tears to your eyes and you nod.

You realize you guys should've had this conversation a month ago. He loves you. He's just so scared.

You press more kisses to his neck before leaning back to bring his face to yours. Your hands find their place on his cheeks and he's forced to look you.

Both of you are hurting at the look of the red puffy eyes of the other and both of you make the quick decision to do whatever it takes to keep that look from your faces.

You press soft kisses to his forehead, nose, cheek and eventually his lips.

He's still sniffling but he's mostly stopped crying. After another minute of careful touches from you, he sighs. He sounds tired, defeated and yet somehow relieved.

He takes one of your hands off his face and presses a small kiss to your palm.

"Thank you. For everything. I didn't know how much i needed that"

You both let out a sad laugh and you close your eyes.

"Why didn't you want to talk to me?"

You're not trying to make him feel guilty but his actions have hurt you and you know that he would want you to be honest about that.

He keeps a tight grip on your hand and intertwines your fingers.

"I thought- baby i didn't know if you could love the man i had to become in there. I still don't. I have done horrible, horrible things. The things i did made me undeserving of your love. I knew that, but i couldn't let you go. I know it's selfish but- Y/N i am so so sorry i ever made you feel like i don't love you anymore"

His voice breaks on the last part and another tear rolls down his cheek. You take your hand that's currently not held by Spencer and wipe it away.

"You did what you had to do to survive. To come back to me. How can you think i'd hold that against you? You deserve love, Spencer. We deserve to love each other. Unconditionally. Just- don't shut me out like that again, love. I miss you"

You push him slightly back so he sits down on the bed. Before you could take the seat next to him he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you flush against him. His head is resting on your chest and he clings to you like he's scared you're going to disappear if he lets go.

You both let out a content sigh at the contact. You've truly missed his touch more than you can say. You run your hands through his hair once more.

"I missed you too. I'm sorry. I don't think i can handle this on my own anymore"

He buries his face in your chest in an attempt to get closer.

You let out a relieved huff.

"I never wanted you to do this alone, my love. I'm here for every step. I know it's hard but i'll help you as much as i can. You just have to let me okay? We can start looking into finding a therapist for you first thing in the morning if you want. If not, that's okay too. We'll find a way through this together. I'm not leaving"

He sniffles again and pulls you into his lap. You quickly wrap your legs around his waist and bury your face in the crook of his neck.

"Thank you. I love you. We'll get through this together. Thank you for loving me"

You smile into his skin and plant a soft kiss on top of his shoulder. He leans back to look at you. You see him smile for the first time in weeks and for a moment everything feels alright.

He slowly leans in to kiss you. This one isn't rushed like the others. It's slow and full of love. He pecks your lips once or twice before fully pressing his to yours in an attempt to get you to see how much he loves and missed you.

Not wanting to waste another minute you pull him closer by the neck and kiss him back like you're starved for his touch. Which was not that hard considering you were.

After a minute of slow kisses his tongue asks for entrance and you don't have to think twice before granting it to him.

You try to pull each other closer with every kiss until there's not an ounce of space between the two of you.

Between kisses you hear him whisper. It takes you a while to understand what he's saying but when you do you can't help but smile into the kiss.

"Love you so much"

"Can't wait to marry you"

"Thank you"

It seems like he's made it his mission to make up for all those weeks you spend questioning whether or not he still loved you.

You're not complaining. You're just happy to have the love of your life back. Sure, things aren't perfect but right in that moment you're sure you wouldn't trade it for the world.

[daughterofanarcissistwoman]

Trauma Bonding

(The writer here refers to an ex but this applies to familial relationships as well.)

You may feel pretty crazy over there in your trauma bonded trance for someone who mistreated you, but know there are people actually eating dirt out there and making more sense than some of the well-meaning advice I heard while I was getting over various forms of heartbreak.

We are told to stop fixating, face the fear of moving on, focus on yourself, and that time heals all wounds. When in fact, the symptoms of a traumatic reaction to a trauma bond make these very things feel nearly impossible.

What’s more, when taken in the context of trauma bonding, prolonged grief over the loss of a relationship is far from irrational, even when that relationship was a toxic one. If you feel more stunned and immobilized as time wears on, this is the reaction of your organism actually working to protect you from a perceived, ongoing threat.

You are not “crazy”.

Your body’s physiological state is just trying to communicate with you in a way that you may not quite understand yet.

There are people all over the world who experience cravings for dirt or clay. This is called geophagy and clearly sounds so insane that people feel ashamed to admit their cravings. Yet research has found that these cravings may indicate a lack in bodily mineral content or may function as the body’s protective response to pathogens in pregnant women or children. The content of dirt or clay may serve as a protective barrier in the stomach.

What may FEEL mentally and physiologically irrational, actually makes sense. This does not mean that anemic people should make themselves a nice dirt snack with their coffee this afternoon. It does mean that feeling estranged, ashamed, and ignoring the REALITY of the craving, without looking further into what it indicates, will never resolve their organism’s unmet need.

What is trauma bonding?

I only started to understand trauma bonding when I stopped feeling ashamed and started trusting my body’s own physiological messengers.

Breaking a trauma bond can feel agonizing. What’s the point of trying to accept the reality of a toxic relationship, go no contact, and try to move on with your life when you only feel worse as time wears on?

Breaking a trauma bond comes with intense withdrawal symptoms, flashbacks, cravings for the toxic person, compulsive thoughts about what happened, and an anxious state that may make you feel like you are going backward, without abate.

This is going to sound counterintuitive at first, but these very symptoms are confirmation that staying away from the toxic relationship is absolutely imperative to your health. This is because trauma resides as a physiological response to a perceived threat. Your organism knows and reacts, at the core, gut, and instinctual level, when a person or situation is harmful.

And while you may be fully consciously aware NOW that you are no longer in the relationship, your body is still registering an ongoing threat. This is manifesting in symptoms that certainly make you feel like you are going “crazy” — or maybe even make you feel as if you were never meant to stay away in the first place.

But all this DOES NOT mean that your body is trying to indicate to you that you are forever cosmically tied to that dirtbag who mistreated you, used you, and broke your heart. It means that the trauma that may have occurred before the relationship, during the relationship, and when the relationship ended, continues to live inside of you. It continues to live as a memory and echo that has no orientation to time and place.

You are feeling this way because, physiologically, you still don’t feel safe.

You will NOT be the person who longs for the person who mistreated you forever. But it’s going to be hard to get there if your strategy is to grit your teeth, brace yourself, and steel even more energy in trying to fight your body’s frantic physiological responses to the trauma in the trauma bond, through sheer will, when you are already frozen in emergency mode.

Stay with me. I’ll explain.

We look into trauma bonding as a way to explain, romanticize, and decode the characteristics of a relationship that feels or once felt so precious.

Here’s the gut-punch that usually gets lost —when you’re in a trauma bond, and the bond “breaks,” the trauma remains.

If you’re a cookie in an Oreo and the other cookie leaves, guess who is stuck with what seems like even more trauma filling than you started with?

This “trauma filling” can help to explain why your mind, body, and soul are registering a frenetic, obsessive, red level, emergency breaker craving for a toxic ex, toxic relationship, or situation.

The Trauma Bond

The reason for this hyper-aroused-anxiety-trance lies in some part to the nature of trauma bonding itself. Trauma bonds are formed when your organism registers that you are in danger.

According to “The Betrayal Bond,” a book written by Patrick Carnes, who developed this concept, “trauma bonds are the dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation. Trauma bonds occur when we are bonding to the very person who is the source of danger, fear, and exploitation.” They involve seduction, betrayal, and high intensity.

They also involve a seemingly endless sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Carnes wrote, “This type of bonding does not facilitate recovery and resilience but rather undermines those very qualities within us.”

Throughout the relationship, your organism assessed the threat and continuously mobilized energy for you to fight or flee. Yet the trauma in trauma bonding creates a cyclical, repetitive cycle that contains your ability to protect yourself, trust yourself, feel your body’s physiological reactions or evolve out of your current state, even when your partner is gone.

Instead of fighting or fleeing, you remain frozen and clinging with an “insane level of loyalty, to an impossible, unresolvable, toxic, overwhelming, or cosmically doomed bond.” A person chained to this type of bond “disbelieves the obvious and accepts the impossible.”

The following are some signs of trauma bonding, which I’ve adapted from Carnes:

• When you continue to be fixated on people who hurt you and who are no longer in your life.

• When you crave contact with someone who has hurt you and who you know will cause you more pain.

• When you continue to revolve around people who you know are taking advantage of you or exploiting you.

• When you are committed to remaining loyal to someone who has betrayed you, even though their actions indicate few signs of change.

• When you are desperate to be understood, validated, or needed by those who have indicated they do not care about you.

• When you go to great lengths to continue to help, caretake, or consider people who have been destructive to you.

These types of relationships capitalize on old wounds and previous traumas.

As a bigger and separate topic, there are a lot of reasons for why we may be vulnerable to trauma bonding, to begin with, including a deep desire to heal a prior hurt. We do this by subconsciously recreating the prior situation, down to the very exploitative, dangerous, or shameful elements that existed in the prior trauma. Down to the type of toxic, emotionally unavailable, or developmentally stunted person in the prior situation.

The reasons why we get into these types of bonds, the reasons we stay, and the reasons why we can’t let them go are interrelated, and at least one thing remains the same: our body stores these memories physiologically, without a time or date stamp. The memories can make us feel like we are in an endless cycle of trauma and pain, with or without the relationship.

The Trauma

Trauma is a big concept, that lives on much developing academic ground. I’m no expert, and what I’m saying is informed by the work of trauma researchers Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, and Patrick Carnes, but this is simply my interpretation.

Viewing your seemingly irrational reactions to heartbreak through a trauma-informed lens will reduce some part of the shame that comes with continuing to live in a body that is suspended in a hyper-aroused and frenetic state long after we are told that we should be over a relationship or situation.

There are different kinds of trauma. Some are the types of trauma we are typically aware of —responses to natural disasters, war, abuse, genocide, and other atrocities. We associate those traumas with the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which has helped to explain how victims survive in dire circumstances, including why the victims end up turning against themselves and becoming loyal to the abuser, as in the case of Stockholm Syndrome.

Understanding trauma begins when you remove judgment from the equation about the degree of atrocity that must exist in order to define trauma as trauma. There are other aspects of trauma, such as those that involve the body’s response to betrayal, childhood experiences, and interpersonal relationship trauma. A traumatic reaction is a completely subjective thing. There are more possible situations/origins of trauma than there are people.

Trauma lives inside the body as a physiological state. It will be easier to become aware of the manifestation of this state and to give it credibility if you realize that trauma can occur in the absence of abusers, victimizers, and overtly dire situations. You can have a traumatic reaction to anything or anyone that your body perceives as a threat, including a break in attachment with even the most well-meaning, non-intentionally insidious, but emotionally empty people.

Peter Levine has defined trauma as “Any experience which stuns us like a bolt out of the blue; it overwhelms us, leaving us altered and disconnected from our bodies.” It is difficult to access coping mechanisms while in this overwhelmed state. This reaction can become more intense when the relational trauma occurs for long periods of time, with intermittent reinforcement, and when it is layered on top of relational trauma that occurred in childhood.

The stunned shock of anything that your body perceives as a threat, including a betrayal or a breakup, can live inside of us as a physiological state, even when we are not in present danger — when we are out of the breakup, moved out, and presumably moved on. Our bodies are engaged in a survival response even when out of the danger — which manifests itself as a freeze state that makes all the negative emotions you felt while in the relationship freeze within you as well.

What is this? Why does this happen?

The Freeze State.

It happens as a result of a completely natural human reaction to a potentially threatening situation. Peter Levine has explained how trauma develops in his book, “Waking the Tiger.” When faced with perceived danger or challenge, we become energetically aroused, mobilized, and poised to pounce, respond, and defend. This is the reason why weaklings are able to lift cars in order to rescue children. Our bodies were built to generate tremendous energy and appropriately constrict it so that it can be released. So we can fight or flee from threats for our very survival. When the energy is released, there is a tremendous sense of relief and somatic calm. There is no trauma. The situation makes sense to us because we witnessed our bodies working with us to resolve a threat.

So what happens to this tremendous, do-or-die energy isn’t released? When we feel we cannot fight or flee, as in the case of a trauma bond, there isn’t a discharge of this energy.

Instead, we hard stop freeze. Unlike other animals, our more highly evolved neocortex prevents an instinctual response of releasing this energy anyway, when the freeze state ends. Without the release, our body constricts this incredible bundle of energy and contains it in our nervous system. We are suspended in a highly mobilized emergency alert state, hypervigilant, and brimming with energy that our body now has to shift around, negotiate, and safety-valve slowly expel through adaptations that make us feel like we are experiencing an anxiety reaction. This too, is our body working for us, to prevent a nervous system meltdown.

This is trauma.

An example of this is when you brace yourself during the impact of a car accident and later find yourself completely motionless, your knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel, adrenaline coursing through you, heart rate is racing, breathing heavily, with almost no memory of the event.

Why won’t our “smarter” brain allow us to discharge this energy during the freeze state? Again, your body is trying its best to protect you. When that tremendous force of arousal energy is first triggered, it makes us feel up to the task, positive, and intensely alive. When the release is thwarted and is instead subsumed inwardly, we associate the energy with intensely negative emotions.

All those feelings and all the energy that you might have expelled during the relationship in a fight or flight response — all the anger, the shame, and the fear — now reside within you and may feel like are directed TOWARD you.

Our “smarter” brain attempts to protect us by negotiating these emotions within our circuitry because it believes that this work will protect us from experience sheer terror of the release. We fear releasing them because the energy itself is so strongly associated with danger, betrayal, and fear. You are now the home of negative energy that was never meant to be yours.

What does this have to do with your inability to let go of a toxic relationship?

Why does all of this slow you down when it comes to commonplace advice like “stop fixating, face the fear of moving on, and focus on yourself?”

Breaking trauma bonds.

The reason it feels like you can’t “break” a traumatic bond is because you are still suffering from your body’s adaptations to all of this chaotic, negative energy that is now stored inside. These very adaptations cause you to constantly review what happened, to fixate, to refrain from feeling fear and grief, and to obsess about the relationship.

• Anxiety.

The nervous system experiences trauma as a body feeling. In other words, your hyper-alert state lives on as symptoms that can be perceived as anxiety: increased heart rate, tension, agitation, flashbacks, shudders, muscle soreness, and racing thoughts.

All of this anxiety can feel unfair. We know it’s normal to feel grief over the loss of a relationship, but the hope is that we will feel some sense of relief once we get the courage to let go of someone we loved, but who we know is toxic, narcissistic, or emotionally unavailable. Hang on. Your body is communicating to you that internally, you still feel as if you are in danger. Because this anxiety state is so closely associated with the trauma bond, this may feel like a craving for your ex and the trauma bond, when it is in fact, a frantic message to stay away.

• Helplessness.

When exposed to personal trauma, the part of the brain that processes information, puts things into context, and communicates to you in narrative form shuts down. You are suspended in emergency activation mode, but without an ability to cope with the stress.

This is why no contact is so important. When exposed to anything that reminds you of your former partner, your nervous system triggers energy to communicate the presence of a threat but prevents you from consciously putting that threat into the context of what is occurring here and now.

In this state, it can feel hard to learn new things or assimilate information.

This is why it can feel like such a gut punch to see your ex or hear about his or her life, even after time has passed and you are sure “you got this.” It can leave you feeling helpless and hopeless.

Trauma bonds don’t “heal with time” because trauma doesn’t have a sense of time. Don’t expect to never feel triggered. Feeling triggered does not mean that you are “back to square one” when it comes to processing. It means that you are experiencing traumatic anxiety, which once again makes you feel like you are frozen and immobilized. This can lead you to feel depressed even though the current stressor is no longer around. Don’t lose hope. Even the smallest bit of awareness of what is actually occurring will help you to unfreeze out of this state, and this will get more automatic and manageable the more you increase this awareness.

• Flashbacks.

Because you are not able to put your physiological distress into a time and place context, you are not able to consciously recognize that the traumatic event happened in the past. This causes confusion between past trauma and current stressors. Your body, behind the scenes, may be experiencing today’s stressful day as a flashback to the past, as if the trauma has returned.

Life goes on after a trauma bond. Other people and situations will stress you out and trigger anxious feelings that you will subconsciously associate with the trauma bond. This is why stressful days and subsequent disappointments make you feel like you are missing the trauma bond more intensely.

Trauma is like a trance. It makes you less aware of your current state, your bodily sensations, and your feelings. When you start to feel more safe, grounded, and present, you will slowly become more aware of when these flashbacks occur. You will feel less entranced and more able to untangle your prior distress from what is currently happening in your life.

• Trauma repetition review.

After an animal goes into fight, flight, or freeze and releases all the energy its nervous system conjured to get out of a dangerous situation, the animal goes into a review state. The point of this is to figure out what happened and to learn from the experience. Trauma bonded humans also go into this state, except the review occurs in a highly aroused and anxious state, because the energy from the experience has not been released.

This is why it is so difficult to stop fixating on what occurred, why you are experiencing obsessive thoughts, replaying old scripts, and why you feel abandoned and rejected long after a traumatic break has occurred. You are processing the trauma bond while you are still in a stressed and hyperaroused state.

This is why talking about trauma, rehashing the situation with your friends, and recycling anger doesn’t make you feel better and only further retraumatizes you. It may feel like you lost something important because you can’t let go of compulsively thinking about the trauma bond. This repetitive rehashing is healthy and normal, but only when conducted when you are out of an anxiety state and feeling grounded, safe, and present.

The antidote to compulsive rehashing is to remember that trauma lives inside the body, as a physiological state. Once activated, it shuts down your ability to process information. There’s nothing wrong with trying to figure out what happened, but know that doing so in this triggered state may make you feel like you need to return to the trauma bond.

• Hypervigilance.

Hypervigilance is the inevitable result of all of this hyperarousal. In trying to make sense of how you are feeling, your body actively searches for the source of the threat, even when one cannot be found. This drive can feel like a fixation to scan for the source, even though what you may just be reacting to is your own internal arousal. This gets repetitive and compulsive.

Your body remembers the trauma bond. It remembers how it felt and who was around. Even out of the relationship, a trauma bonded person may still feel threatened by a memory of the past when dealing with a current stressor. Your brain scans for a source of the threat. Your brain lands on the emotionally charged memory and image of someone associated with the trauma bond. You may feel plagued by images of your ex-partner, but this is only because your body remembers this person as a source of threat, not because you need to run back to this person.

All of these symptoms occur because your nervous system is suspended in a hyper-aroused state, searching for new danger, and attempting to protect you.

The key to releasing the trauma bond is to remind yourself, carefully, with compassion, and with consistency that you are no longer in danger and that you are now safe.

– This, first and foremost, has to be true. If you are still in any way involved in a trauma bond, then you are not safe. It may feel like you’ve hacked it and you are over it and you are ready for contact or another round, but your physiological systems will likely tell you otherwise.

– When you start to feel triggered, remind yourself of where you are in time and space. You may be experiencing a physiological memory of the past that makes you feel as if you are re-experiencing the trauma. Trauma robs you of your ability to stay in the present. It drops you in a trance and prevents you from recognizing what you are feeling — both emotionally and physiologically. There are many ways of grounding, including yoga, breath work, meditation, journaling, spending time in nature, among so many others. Once you get committed to healing, you will seek and find endless sources of information and relief in these. The key is to begin. Yoga will not release your trauma bond. Going for a hike will not make flashbacks and obsessive thoughts go away. These things may, however, bring you more awareness to your sensations and feelings, which will help you stay in the present when you feel yourself becoming taken over in a trauma bonded trance.

– Become emotionally available to yourself. The way to release a trauma bond is to very slowly and compassionately separate the amount of fear, that you may not even know you feel, about your negative emotions from the negative emotions themselves. These negative emotions are stored inside of you because your body internalized them, instead of using the energy of these emotions to flee or fight. They are not yours. These emotions are not your anger or your shame. You are safe now. You no longer need them. But you need a really safe base in yourself, your enviornment, and others in order to slowly release these. Be kind to yourself. It’s not easy to let go.

– A symptom of being trauma bonded is an intense desire to inform the person who hurt you about your healing. Don’t do that. It will only entrench you further. Your stored negative energy is not your own, but it’s not your ex’s either. It may feel like you have to “place” it somewhere, but this will not get rid of it, and you will only re-traumatize yourself. You can’t put it somewhere else. You can replace it with the knowledge this energy is no longer necessary to protect you, because you are safe now.

Trauma-bonded people are usually the foremost experts on their exes. In order to survive, they can discern mood changes from small facial movements, sideways grunts, or the way a person is standing. Start becoming this aware of yourself.

Start noticing what triggers you, when you are feeling hyper-vigilant, when you are reviewing or processing the relationship in a stressed out state. Start noticing when your flashbacks occur. You may find that they are actually occurring in response to current life stressors.

In becoming aware of this, you may find that there are other toxic people and situations in your current life that you can let go of in order to feel more safe. When other toxic bonds fall away, you may feel more ready to be yourself. When you feel more ready to be yourself, you may become even less ashamed and more emotionally aware. You can start to recognize which thoughts and emotions aren’t yours.

When you separate these, you will feel even more safe. Becoming more self-aware is work with a huge payoff, and you’re already so good doing it with everyone but yourself.

When you separate the past from the present, you will start to have more fun in the present. You will solve the present problems better. You will start to feel more like yourself again. You are safe now, and soon…

You will be free.

This post was written by Natasha Adamo team member, Irena.

https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/

[papa-rhys]

Thoughts on Jack and His Borderline Personality Disorder and How It Shows Through His Behaviour - Because I Cannot Stop Analysing Things That Ultimately Aren’t Important

Symptoms/behaviours under the cut because holy hell this guy has a lot of them. Like, honey, are you okay?

Okay, so I’m pretty sure I can trace Jack’s BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) back to his grandmother. His mum abandoned him, which shows a reckless/irresponsible behaviour and her mum had fits of rage that didn’t correlate at all with the trigger (ie; drowning Jack’s cat because he didn’t make his bed). So I think he has a family history of it, with both his mother and grandmother having BPD and passing it down to him.

Either way, Jack definitely has it. In fact, he’s a textbook case of it.

Impulsivity

Spending sprees: he bought a pony made of diamonds because he was bored and throws money at all kinds of ventures to keep him occupied and because he wants to. I really don’t know how else to describe this one lol. He bought a pony. Made of diamonds. Because he could.

Gambling: won some of the things on his trophy shelf through poker and owns an entire casino. Hunting the Vaults themselves were a huge gamble too, especially the first two, since he wasn’t truly sure that they existed. He was prepared to sacrifice a lot in order to come out on top in both his career and his social standing. All in all, he’s reckless.

Binge eating: he doesn’t even like pretzels, but still eats them because he’s either bored or stressed. Talks about food quite a bit in conversation, too, especially his cravings.

Substance abuse: admits to being high on uppers for the duration of the pre sequel (and his time on Elpis as a whole) and tells further anecdotes about drugs and getting high in tftbl.

Promiscuity/unsafe sex: nothing about having sex with Nisha is safe lol. But in all seriousness, there’s no way to prove this one. He does strike me as the reckless sex sort though. No proof, just 7 years of knowing him as a character.

Emotional instability

Inappropriate trigger response: he strangles a man to death for simply mentioning his wife, stabs Lilith for talking about Angel, and tries to kill Rhys for not being sure about his grand plan (more on this later). His response to triggers is disproportionate, often resulting in extreme anger over small things that don’t warrant that intense of a reaction. He gets big angry about almost everything; there’s no middle ground. His reaction is never really “you’re annoying me a lot” or “don’t talk about that, I don’t like it.” His reaction to almost everything is “oh my god I will murder your first born child how dare you-”

Quickly changing mood: aside from being prone to fits of rage at the flick of a switch, Jack also flicks back to “normal” pretty quickly, too. He flips between telling you to kill yourself after surviving the train and then talks casually about his day. He’ll be filled with rage after Angel’s death and then suddenly he’s laughing about you jumping into lava and having fun tricking you into visiting his grandmother. He can be intensely angry or sorrowful one moment and then nonchalant and sociable the next. His moods don’t last very long.

Idolisation/devaluation

Jack does this with numerous people across the games, but the two shining examples are Moxxi and Rhys; Rhys being the most notable. He idolises Moxxi, complimenting her on how attractive she is and how smart she is and including her in his circle of close friends/teammates. Then the inevitable happens and she lets him down and he instantly changes his opinion on her as if he’d never thought she was good to begin with. The same happens with Rhys. Throughout tftbl, Jack is best friends with Rhys and seems to form a one-sided connection with him where he idolises him and thinks they’re going to be best friends for ever and that they’re the perfect team. You cannot make him mad at you in tftbl (trust me, I’ve tried). He’s encouraging to Rhys the whole way through, like they’re brothers. Then the second Rhys displays doubts about something Jack is passionate about, Jack reacts violently and completely devalues Rhys, claiming him to be his mortal enemy and trying to kill him. People with BPD do this often. They have strong convictions and have a tendency to feel betrayed by people who go against those convictions. Jack does this regularly and it leads to the breakup of a lot of his relationships.

Paranoia

He vented a room full of scientists into space, just in case. I mean, that pretty much sums it up, really. Jack is under a lot of stress at this point in the game and stress-induced paranoia is a particularly difficult symptom of BPD. With him already feeling the pressure, the mention of a possible mole is a huge trigger for Jack. Especially since he’s reeling from the recent betrayal from a friend. His brain is already working over time, planting uneasy feelings of distrust and being unsafe. So when he’s presented with the idea from an outside source, he runs with it. Betrayal goes on to become a big button to push in Jack’s life to the extent that he actively betrays people before they get a chance to betray him (ie; killing Wilhelm). Paranoia feeds into a lot of Jack’s bad decisions, particularly in the pre sequel era.

Delusion

Jack wasn’t lying when he told us that he’s the hero. He absolutely was not the hero at all, but he wasn’t lying about it. Because lying about something implies that you know it’s not true, and Jack genuinely believes he’s a good person. The best person, in fact. It’s not a lie because in his mind, it’s the god given truth. He’s massively delusional, even before the events of the pre sequel. He’ll spout all the cheesy 80s movie lines about saving the moon and being the hero and he thinks he’s the protagonist of his own big adventure. We know that’s not what’s happening, but Jack doesn’t see it that way. Another delusion is the idea he has about how much everyone loves him. He thinks Moxxi is obsessed with him and he thinks Angel is being forced to work against him. He cannot conceive of a world in which people don’t like him or agree with him. Because why wouldn’t they agree with him? He’s the hero. Everybody loves the hero...

Intense but unstable relationships

Moxxi, Angel, Lilith, the Vault Hunter; I could go on. Jack’s relationships with people are volatile and rocky, even when they’re seemingly on the same side like with Moxxi or even Nisha (who he forms a tight bond with very quickly). People with BPD feel all emotions intensely, which causes a roller coaster. Jack really likes Moxxi, but then he doesn’t want to talk to her, but then he wants her on the team, but then he gets mad at her for calling him a pet name and beign friendly, and then he’s telling her she’s sexy, and then he’s cursing her, and then he’s hanging pictures of her in his casino. It’s the same with Angel - he subjects her to physical torture, then he loves her, then he’s mad at her for helping the Vault Hunter, then he’s doting on her, then he’s manipulating her, then he’s grieving for her. Everything is a whirlwind.

Distorted self-image

Oh boy. Jack has this physically and mentally. Mentally in the sense that he thinks he’s a good person when he actions are abhorrent and also because he’s massively insecure. BPD often comes with a lack of identity, which causes insecurity to begin with. Throw that in a pot alongside some childhood abuse, betrayal, work place bullying, and grief, and you got yourself a big pot of insecurity soup. Put plainly, Jack doesn’t really know who he is at his baseline. His personality and interests and ideas and needs all change on an hourly basis. He morphs to suit his circumstances. He can be open, honest and down to earth when he’s trying to trick Rhys. He can be full of worry and desperation when he needs you to head to grandma’s house. He can be cunning and clever when he’s tricking you into killing Wilhelm. He can be fatherly, he can be nasty, he can be torturous, he can be laid back, he can be clever, he can be ignorant, he can be sheepish, he can be cocky. He’s everyone and no one all at once and this probably leaves him feeling very hollow and empty; which is another symptom of BPD. In the physical sense, Jack issues with self image are pretty clear. He wears a face over his face to hide his face. Yup. And he does this because he thinks he’s disgracefully ugly. This scar he’s so vehemently protective of is something that defines his whole persona going forward. He literally claims himself as Handsome Jack, forcing people to adhere to the idea that he’s so attractive that it should be his title. Even though he doesn’t feel that way and does everything he can to hide the real him. He thinks he’s hideous and he struggles between loving himself and hating himself because of it.

Fear of abandonment

Aaaand here we are at the crux of the problem. BPD boils down to the intense fear of abandonment and this is probably what guides Jack for most of his life. His father died, his mother literally abandoned him, his grandmother neglected him, his first wife died, second wife left, girlfriend and friends betrayed him, and daughter killed herself to get away from him. Abandonment is practically coded into Jack’s DNA at this point and every time it happens, it confirms his fears more. He clings to Moxxi after she betrays him - taking her ideas to try and rile her up and even going as far as to recreate her entire bar in his casino because he wants to keep her presence around. He fights tooth and claw against Angel’s rebellion, begging both her and you to stop what you’re doing and leave. The only time he begs you is when he’s facing perceived abandonment, that’s how strong the fear is. His final words to Angel are “I’ll still forgive you.” Jack isn’t a forgiving man by any stretch, but he’ll say anything he has to in order to prevent her from leaving him. He’ll stalk people, he’ll manipulate them, he’ll lie to them or keep them physically locked up - all to prevent them from abandoning him. The worst possible thing that could happen to Jack is that, and we see the spiral he slips into after Angel. After Moxxi. After the Meriff. After his wife. He can’t bare the thought of someone leaving him and he’ll do anything and everything to prevent his fears becoming a reality.

So yeah! There it is, I finally got around to posting it lol. There’s probably a lot more little details that I’ve forgotten, but I cannot think of them right now. I’ll probably update if I think of any more! The tl;dr is that almost all of Jack’s behaviour can be linked to massively untreated BPD. He needed meds and therapy, but he didn’t get them and he spiralled as a result.

[transsexualhamlet]

If you're still doing the song ask can you do Sherliam?

Yes, of course! Sorry it took me a while to get to this one lol but yessss

Song ask was make a 10 song playlist for a ship or character and since I think there's demand for this Im just gonna stick it in the actual sherliam tag!

Generally, it's a lot easier for me to do characters than ships but I have actually thought about this one a lot. I know a lot of the songs are pretty basic, but they work really well so stfu. I tried to put these in chronological order according to the storyline from when they first met to where things are now, but a lot of them would be simultaneous, so yeah lol

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5flNUgIR44PNjUOd8inbgh?si=8ac0229621ba4694

Catch Me If You Can by Set It Off: I made an amv for this song as well with them, and I really cannot think of any song that fits them more than this one to be perectly honest. I mean. Catch me if you can. But seriously it is everything with how they interact with each other. They're having way too much fun with the game, they're playing with each other and leading each other on and both on opposite sides and completely in sync. Motherfuckers are basically canonical soulmates but hmm intellectually fighting each other is basically sex for them.

From The Gallows by IDK HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME: As soon as I read ynm I knew this was exactly Liam to Sherlock. I think a lot of my ships fit this dynamic very well, but. Yeah. Mans is like yes we are enemies yes I'm deeply in love with you please judge me to be worth saving or not so if you don't think you can kill me and I'll be happy. Pretty straight forward there.

Masterpiece Theatre I by Marianas Trench: This one is Liam singing, and I think that altogether, the whole set of those three masterpiece theatre songs work for the whole series, both the anime and manga. But the first one especially. God, it works so well. It's all this incredibly guilt ridden person lamenting their great plan and how at the end they 100 percent plan to let it all be destroyed, including themself, over Yearning towards someone they're not supposed to be with and that they've been hiding a lot from. They've become all lies and fronts and they've had to ignore all their emotions for quite some time, and all they want to do is give it all up and cry into this person's arms even if it would go against everything they've worked for, even if it would kill them.

Collar Full by P!ATD: This one is pretty easy, I think both of them could be singing it at once. They're both awfully head over heels for each other and they've been pining for an ungodly amount of time that their natural state is just Yearning, but they know that if they ever got together it would be a chemical reaction that would destroy everything. All of the world is watching them and they have to hide it or die, they know if they were to be open about their secrets there would be nothing left between them to stop it from all falling apart, so they'll try to be together and try to pretend to be oblivious to why they can't. At this point though, it's been so long and all they've done is fall farther that they don't really care and they would rather collide and let the chaos happen just for the chance to embrace each other. AND "You've got a pocket full of reasons why you're here tonight, so baby tonight just be... the death of me" is LITERALLY JUST THE CANON

Hell by Dear Sherlock: I cannot believe how lucky i was to come across a song by a band called DEAR SHERLOCK? But yeah this one basically delves into Liam in the final problem, in his thoughts and in his letter. He's not in a good place at all, and he's sunk to his darkest, thinking himself to basically be the devil incarnate, and things are coming to their climax, shit's going to go down, and he's obsessed with trying to get Sherlock to kill him and end it all. Liam has been holding back all his emotions for a long time and they're all going off at once and he wants to expose all of them to Sherlock alone, leaving him vulnerable. Even though it's the thing he's always been most scared of, he craves it. He knows he's in love and he knows that's a problem but he'll do anything to die at Sherlock's hands at this point and he's convinced that Sherlock must hate him enough to do it but he'll confess everything anyway.

Achilles Come Down by Gang Of Youths: Surely, everyone knows this song, and it can be way overdone, but once again... it's them. Sherlock is desperately trying to convince Liam not to jump. Liam isn't listening.

Come With Me by Chxrlotte: I've actually made a sherliam amv to this song. I just happened to stumble across it and every single lyric fits perfectly into the storyline, especially in the anime. It's super soft and shippy yknow but this one is definitely Sherlock singing it- he doesn't care if they're supposed to be on opposite sides, he wants to make Liam happy even if the whole world is against it. He'll cross any line to reach him and he wants to always be there for him and even if he has to wait years and years he'll always forgive him and no matter what he believes they'll eventually reunite.

It's Alright by Mother Mother: Man, this song always gets me, but I think this really encompasses how good they can be for each other after it all goes down. They've both been incredibly reckless, self destructive, and kind of fucked up. They each have complimentary problems that make them feel like they're barely worth being alive. But because they love each other so much and they want the other to survive and be happy, neither of them is allowed to die, and they're going to live on together and they're going to heal each other and they're going to cry to each other and embrace each other and learn to live with themselves and get better and fix everything. God, they need it so much, and they need each other.

In Our Bedroom After The War by Stars: Again, I know this song is overdone, but just imagine this after the fall? Imagine this when they're both healing from the fall and learning to live with Billy in America? And like, it's a really tentative time, they're all still hurting so much and Sherlock has got to constantly worry if Liam is gonna throw himself off the fucking roof? But he hasn't yet and it looks less and less likely that he's gonna, so that's one good thing at least. They're able to settle down and try to calm their nerves and get away from the shit that's happened, and they cling to a very domestic routine, at once still so broken but healing and constantly reminded of just how much they have to be thankful for.

Laughter Lines by Bastille: I've always thought of this as a song for nezushi (from no. 6) because of the whole eventual reunion somewhere far down the line yearning but GOD they REALLY DID THAT IN THE ANIME and even kind of in the manga they have still been separate from each other a lot and on like, other ends of the goddamn planet. They spent a long time trying to be able to reach each other and get together, and they finally got to a good spot where they're able to accept it. Because so many things happened and there was a lot yet to be done, they had to leave each other for a long time with no way to contact each other, but they'll be waiting for the time when the other can finally come back and they're both healed enough to settle down. Cries real tears.

[cosmicjoke]

Alright, chapter 133 of SnK!

I’ve got a few things I want to talk about here.

One of the things that always strikes me about Levi as a character, indeed, one of his defining character traits, is his coolness under pressure.  His calm demeanor, no matter the circumstances.  One of the interesting things to go into is WHY Levi is like this.  

We see it particularly exemplified in this chapter, I think, and there’s a few examples.  For one, they’ve all just lost Hange as their friend and Commander, and this loss particularly impacts and affects Levi, since he was closer with Hange than any of them.  But rather than allowing his grief to consume and paralyze him, Levi immediately begins trying to contribute when Armin says he wants to go over the plan, bringing up Hange’s theory about Zeke and how killing him might stop the Rumbling, etc...  Then Eren transports them to Paths, and everyone reacts with shock and awe, except Levi, who’s expression is duly unimpressed and unsurprised.  We see this from Levi throughout the series, of course.  Situations that present themselves, new and frightening circumstances which throw everyone for a loop and send people into panic, Levi reacts to with calm collectedness, a distinct LACK of surprise or fear.  He really does stand in sharp contrast with everyone else in this situation.  Everyone there is a seasoned war veteran, at this point, they’ve all been through and seen some truly horrific things.  But they still react with a kind of frantic uncertainty here.  They then begin to plead with Eren, Armin and the rest trying to convince him through any means possible, to stop the Rumbling.  They try to bargain with him, show him empathy, make promises, etc...  They make their desperation obvious by saying whatever they think will appeal to Eren.  Levi is the only one who, I think, is fully honest here.  He tells Eren that if he stops now, he’ll let him off with JUST an ass-kicking.  Levi doesn’t try to placate Eren, or show him sympathy, or empathy, he doesn’t try to be gentle or handle Eren with kid gloves.  He tells him flat out he’s going to beat his ass for what he’s done, but he’ll show him some leniency for stopping by not killing him outright.  The thing is, I think Levi’s known from the start of this whole disaster that talking to Eren wasn’t going to work.  Everyone else was holding out hope that if they could just speak with Eren, he would stop, that they could convince him through words.  But like I talked about in my last post, Levi is someone who’s just seen and experienced too much of life’s brutality and unfairness to blind himself to bleak reality.  When the 104th goes running off after Eren appears to them, to try and reach him, Levi just sits down in the sand and has that resigned expression once more, and his expression continues to show a total lack of surprise when Eren puts the 104th back where they started, before they could ever even get close. Levi isn’t surprised, or even dismayed, I don’t think, at Eren’s refusal to talk, because I think he always knew he wouldn’t be willing to.  That he wouldn’t be interested in hearing anyone’s pleas or promises.  I think Levi always knew Eren was hellbent on this course of action, and it was more or less hopeless, trying to appeal to him.  And once again, I have to restate, I think it’s because Levi’s just experienced too much hardship in his life to cling to false hopes.  He’s world-weary and in many ways a realist, someone not given to delusion or fancy.  

I feel like Levi probably glimpsed this uncompromising, hellish bent in Eren back in Liberio, his mercenary compulsion to follow through on whatever plan he had, which is why Levi was so disgusted by him on the airship back then.  He saw a lack of mercy in Eren, and it reminded him of the brutes Levi grew up with in the Underground.  Not just a willingness, but a desire to take from others to satisfy himself.  It’s why, when they’re all transported back to the plane, while everyone else looks horrified and in shock at Eren’s refusal to talk, Levi looks as unflustered as ever, and states with a matter of fact tone that negotiations are over, before asking Armin what it is they do now.  None of this is surprising to Levi.

Levi’s look of despair throughout this final arc continues to strike me as his resignation in the ugliness of humanity and the useless, pointless suffering they inflict on one another.  He’s depressed, and disappointed, because everything happening around them is only a confirmation of all the worst things Levi saw and experienced, growing up.

All this ties into another point I want to discuss, which is Levi’s relationship with Jean, actually.  I’ve found the relationship between the two of them really interesting since way back in the Uprising arc, when Jean was the most vocal in condemning Levi for his violence, declaring with certainty that he would never kill another person.  Jean is disabused of his moralistic superiority not long after that, when he learns first hand the consequences of sticking to ones morals uncompromisingly, nearly losing his life, and forcing Armin to take a life for him.  And it’s Jean who we see, again and again from that point on in the series, grappling with and coming to terms with this difficult lesson.  We see Jean’s respect for Levi, and his understanding towards Levi, grow greatly, after this incident, and Jean himself having to grow, to change and accept that sacrifices are inevitable if one wishes to protect the things and people they care about.  That sometimes even one’s own comfort and moral convictions are necessary sacrifices to achieve those things.  

Levi tells everyone that he’ll take care of Zeke, but admits that he’ll need all of their help to get the job done.  I feel like this is Levi, once again, asking if all of them are ready and willing to get their hands dirty, just like he did before they raided the Cavern underneath the Church on the Reiss property.  He knows he can’t do this job by himself (which is just further testament to Levi’s strength of character, an ability to admit to weakness), but he wants to make sure everyone else is alright with plunging in to a situation in which they’re going to be forced to kill.  Jean is the first to answer, telling Levi and all of them that he’s not going to let the sacrifices they’ve already made, the people they’ve killed in order to get where they are, be in vain, and that he’ll do whatever it takes to stop the Rumbling.  This shows incredible character growth on Jean’s part.  He went from someone who claimed that he would, under no circumstances, take another human life, to someone who declares that he’ll do whatever it takes in order to stop the Rumbling, to achieve a greater good.  And I think this growth on Jean’s part ties directly into his relationship with and the influence of Levi.  Levi never judged Jean for being uncomfortable with killing, never criticized or scolded him for it.  He even told Jean that he couldn’t say, one way or the other whether Jean’s beliefs were right or wrong.  That Levi himself didn’t know the answer to that.  He never tried to convince Jean of anything.  He just told him the truth.  That his failure to kill had put the lives of his comrades in danger, including his own, and that it also caused Armin to have to bear the burden of killing another, one which should have been Jean’s own to bear.  All of that is absolutely true.  And it was really through this lack of judgment on Levi’s part that, I think, Jean was able to grow and expand his own views on killing, and adjust and allow for there to be circumstances in his world view which would justify taking another life.  He wasn’t forced by anyone to change his views.  He changed them based on experience and through Levi explaining to him that there is no definitive right or wrong answer to be found, and through Levi’s simply being honest with him.  He was telling Jean that it comes down to what one is willing to sacrifice in order to protect the things and people they value.  And Jean learned about himself that he’s willing and able to sacrifice more than he ever realized.

But it’s still a struggle, and something all of them, even at this point in the story, continue to battle themselves over.  We see Connie struggling in particular this chapter, looking anguished over what he had to do back at the port.  It’s only Levi who accepts that brutal reality of kill or be killed with a calm understanding, and I think this is probably because, unlike the rest of them, who all had peaceful, probably relatively easy and happy childhoods, without any exposure to violence or real cruelty, Levi, I think it can be safely assumed, probably took his first life while he was still a boy.  And doubtless, that was due to desperate circumstances.  Levi’s life has been one filled with uncertainty.  Growing up in extreme poverty, he never could have known with any certainty where his next meal would come from, or when.  Never knew with any certainty whether he could find proper shelter for the night, or a safe place to sleep.  Never knew with any certainty whether he would be assaulted, or robbed, or if someone would attempt to take his life.  Levi’s life has been one of desperation and a true, unforgiving struggle to simply survive.  And so while all of his comrades have seen and experienced the horrors of war with him, none of them can know with the same level of understanding that true kind of desperation of simply trying to live day to day, that kind of awful and overwhelming uncertainty and fear of not knowing if you’ll be alive from one day to the next.  It’s those kinds of experiences in life that really separate Levi from the rest of his comrades, and in a lot of ways, isolate him from them.  It’s why the extremity of their circumstances and the desperation of their situation in this final arc continually shocks and overwhelms them, but Levi regards it all with his usual, if deeply saddened, calm.