#NOT this blogs normal content but I was talking to a friend and she didn't know and now it's all I can think about

[werecreature-addicted]

is anyone out here teaching trans women how to do breast exams on themselves? Trans women with homegrown breasts do you know how to screen yourself for breast cancer? this is very important to me

[whiskeyswifty]

.

[eddiebun]

puppy love • part two

mini series ; part two, find part one here

pairing ; eddie munson x fem!reader

summary ; lovesick y/n has fallen head over heels, complete infatuation with the scraggly-haired metal head who drops her off at school every morning and takes her home after.

genre ; angst, fluff, smut, smitten!reader has heart eyes for heartbreaker!eddie, !! flashbacks/memories in all italics !!

warning ; this content is 18+ only. explicit sexual content (minors away !! grrr), fingering, oral f receiving, pantie kink? m! masturbation, bullying, petty behaviour, family issues, drugs, consuming alcohol, reader fits into eddie's clothes, panic attacks, insecure reader who pines for eddie who gets bitches and sleeps around. dumb, both reader and eddie are dumb but like does he really not know how reader feels? maybe he’s being cruel.. yeah he’s kinda a dick in this.

wc ; 11.1k strap in

fairy note ; putting all my heart into this, feedback and interactions are greatly appreciated. thanks twice and ive, gg playlist in general for getting me through this long part of puppy love oh my- also this isn't full proofread yet, sorry. i don’t have a taglist but i do have a blog that you can turn notifications on to know when i post a new fic, click here ♡

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“I guess I could say hi to her..”

You had left the Hellfire Club room behind the theatre class with your shoulders slumped, a quick goodbye paired with an excuse to Eddie. You felt detached and put off, but you had your last class of the day— in about 2 minutes so there was no time for any of those sappy feelings getting in the way.

Turning hallways and skipping a couple of steps up to the floor of your maths class, successfully reaching it on time, and setting yourself down at the desk where you normally reside.

You didn't even notice that Lori was in her usual spot— the desk in front of you, until you heard her joyful giggle, Eddie's proposition to you whirling around in your head like a cruel taunt you just couldn’t shake.

But alas, you had already told your puppy-eyed friend— that you were in love with, that you’d talk to her for him and you didn’t go back on your word.

"thought it would be nice for you to make a new friend too since you're stuck to me."

What did Eddie even mean by that? Sure, you didn’t have many friends and you weren’t even super comfortable around all of Eddie’s friends yet, still taking time to open up with them and yeah, you’d always come running to him when something had happened, good or bad but that’s what friends did and he’d welcome you with open arms no matter rain or shine. It didn’t make sense, why would he suddenly sound so hostile now? Like you were suddenly a burden he wanted to brush off.

You didn’t like this Eddie very much.. your Eddie might’ve been irritatingly oblivious to how flirtatious he was, absolutely blind to your genuine feelings, gestures and purposeful routines that included him but, he was never mean.

You swallowed down the nervous lump in your throat and reached out to tap Lori’s shoulder to get her attention, seeing her turn around and all the previous joy drain from her face, looking like you had just killed her entire family and it took you by surprise but you were used to plenty of two faced people in Hawkin’s High.

“Hi.. sorry.” you spoke up, rubbing your arm out of comfort, “I was just wondering where you got your bag from, it’s really cute.” you weren’t lying but you were exaggerating, under any other circumstances, you would have never had enough confidence to muster up asking any popular kids questions, though it helped that she wasn’t surrounded by her poesy right now.

“Oh..” her face softened up at the flattery, looking down at her bag before back ahead at you, expression a lot more relaxed now, “My daddy got it for me in a department store in the City.”

“Oh, cool, I like it.” you smiled, “Um, you like my friends band right? Corroded Coffin.”

Her eyes went wide and she nervously laughed, shaking her head, “I don’t know what that is.” her eyebrows furrowed and oh boy, she was a terrible liar.

You blinked a couple times, stuck on how to progress anything if she was just going to play pretend, “Well, my friend has this band and he saw you the other night—“ she cut you off, reaching over to squeeze your hand, “That wasn’t me sweetie.” her tone was condescending.

She turned away and you rolled your eyes, oh well, you tried. Maybe Eddie did get mixed up with another girl, not Lori.

“Here’s that department stores name.” She turned back around to hand you over a piece of ripped paper she had scribbled on, ‘talk to me when school ends, go to the restroom, not here xoxo’

When you went to look back up at her you saw she was already facing back towards the front, you were in disbelief but you reminded yourself that people like this weren’t nice and given the opportunity they would rather laugh in your face then hear you out. So of course Lori Fisher wouldn’t dare be caught talking to you in front of her friends, especially not about Eddie Munson out of all people.

You didn’t even know why you were even bothering, you were helping the guy you had been fawning over all year hook up with some preppy girl in your class, it didn’t make sense even to you but Eddie’s harsh words hung heavy on your heart. You had somewhat convinced yourself that this would be a fix, just to keep pleasing him, you had messed up somehow along the way, right? What if you had really upset him? You couldn’t stand the thought of Eddie being upset with you, especially to the point where he didn’t want you around as much anymore.

Once class was dismissed you were gathering your things when you heard Lori announcing to her friends that she had to rush home early today, catching the way she glanced at you before heading off.

You followed behind her a little before the both of you were in the toilets, the rest of the students heading home or out with their friends for the day.

"We can talk here, it's better," she spoke up, looking in the mirror and adjusting the ponytail on top of her head, “So did Munson like.. tell you I was there?” she asked, still looking ahead at the mirror.

You just nodded, unsure of where she was going with this, “You talk to him a lot don’t you? Kinda thought you two were together or something.” she scoffed out a laughter, “But here you are.. asking if I like his band and how Eddie saw me.” she titled her head, tapping her chin as though she was thinking.

“He likes me doesn’t he?”

You honestly had somewhat drifted off into your thoughts somewhere between her speculating, shaking your head back to reality before laughing nervously, “Something like that.” you muttered.

“Interesting..” she cooed and you couldn’t read her expression, what was on her mind.

Yes Lori, the boy you’ve fell head first into love with was interested in her, and here you were like a fool, mind clouded in doubt and worry but you didn’t act, you never did, like a complete coward.

“There’s a party, y’know Chance? Big muscled guy on the basketball team? Well, he’s holding one tonight, you wouldn’t be a doll and ask if Eddie could come? It’s like bring your own alcohol but he could bring drugs instead, that would work.” she nodded eagerly at her suggestion, scribbling down an address and shoving it into your hand.

Lori wanted you to be the messenger and invite Eddie to some High School party? You didn’t even get a chance to question her, watching her gasp once she checked the time.

“Gotta go! See ya, okay?” she grinned before rushing out of the toilets.

You glanced down at the address written on the paper before stuffing it into your pocket and walking out of the school building, Eddie would be there waiting in his car to drop you both back off home.

“Jesus H Christ!” he jolted, sitting in the drivers seat with rolling papers between his fingers and his little lunchbox full of drugs on his lap— which nearly went flying when you startled him with your sudden presence.

You plopped yourself down in the passenger seat and laughed under your breath, “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” you looked over at him and he relaxed, shaking his head,

“No, you’re good, don’t worry.” he chuckled, putting away any drug paraphernalia and starting the car, “Y’wanna come over and listen to some new songs I learned? Picked up ice cream for us too.” he told you proudly but you hesitated.

“Really?” you asked which he laughed at, “Yeah? Why’re you saying that?” he asked, confused since the both of you always hung out you never double checked with him, you’d normally jump at the offer or suggest plans first.

“Nothing m’ just checking.” you shrugged it off, his words still ringing in your head but if he said it was okay then you believed him.

He patted your thigh and kept it resting there after starting the car and pulling it out of the school parking lot, headed out the gates and home. Once Eddie has pulled up outside the trailer you followed him in, feeling the warmth of his palm still burning at your thigh.

The both of you got comfortable in his room, Wayne out on his night shift so Eddie didn't hold back in giving you a couple personal performances with his guitar whilst you say back against his headboard, watching his fingers swipe skilfully plucking and striking the strings of his beloved instrument.

“You learnt all of those songs over the week?” you leaned up, blinking up at him in surprise, “Mhm? Not to brag or anything but i’m pretty good right?” he jokingly winked before setting aside the instrument on the stand and joining you on his bed.

“So.. you’ve been looking like something’s been on your mind since you got in the car and you barely even touched the ice cream I bought for us.” he pointed out, reaching over and squeezing your hand in your lap, big brown eyes watching you.

You laughed quietly, an awkward attempt to quell any nerves at his apprehensive questioning, "Nothing serious." you shook your head, shrugging it off dismissively but of course, Eddie only gravitated further towards you, head leaning to the side knowingly and the feeling of his thumb swiping along the back of your hand had a nervous lump building in your throat.

You didn't have to tell him, right? If you just said something like, Lori wasn't that interested, kinda mean, you wouldn't even be lying.

Ultimately you decided against that, opting to just tell him and see what he made of the situation, you didn't take Eddie for desperate so you somewhat had hopes that he would deny any sort of party invite from her.

"Well.. Lori, we talked a little but not in front of everyone, she didn't wanna do that," you glanced up at him, seeing him listening intently, "So yeah, we talked and she basically asked me to invite you to one of the basketball players parties tonight." you explained, prying out the crumbled up paper with his address on.

You watched the way Eddie's eyebrows furrowed as he uncrumpled the paper and read the address, a disgruntled expression on his face, "She invited me?" he peeked back up at you.

"Mhm, talked about bringing your own alcohol or drugs too," you shrugged before a sigh left your lips and you laid back against the bed, "you're not going right?" you asked him, looking up at the ceiling.

It was silent, uncomfortably long silence, peeking your head up and resting up on your elbows as you studied his expression, "Eddie." you called out.

"I could check it out.” you watched him shrug and your eyes went wide, mouth dropped open a little.

“You wanna party with people that bully you?” you questioned him, watching him roll his eyes in annoyance— like you hadn’t made a completely fair point.

“She invited us Y/N, I don’t see why she’d do that if she was like the others.” he tried to reason but it only made you more frustrated.

“Okay, let’s say she isn’t like that, that she’s a total sweetheart who has this little risky crush on you,” you cooed out in a forcibly sweet tone, “that means her friends are still assholes, whether she’s nice to you or not, she’s putting you in a room full of people that despise us just for breathing— oh and she didn’t invite us, Eddie, she invited you.”

Eddie clearly didn’t like that response because he glared at you like you had just said the most heinous thing, “You’re being dramatic,” he combed his fingers through his hair, a habit he had when he was stressed, “I said I’d check it out! Besides, I’m not a baby, I can stick up for myself.” he scoffed.

“Why?” you asked, completely baffled, “Is it that worth it?” you spoke quietly but it was audible enough for Eddie to hear, his eyes still boring into you.

His expression had turned somewhat sour when he spoke up again, “Ohh, I get it, this is because I told you it would be nice if you made a new friend too?” he laughed as though he had it figured out.

You stared at him, blinking a couple times before standing up, you weren’t going to do this, bicker with Eddie whilst he speculated and turned this on you.

“Oh so it is?” he stood up, “It isn’t even that big of a deal! I didn’t say it maliciously.” he shook his head but you weren’t even listening to him, grabbing your bag and stepping into your shoes.

“Shut up, I’m against it because I told you, those people aren’t nice people Eddie— besides! she doesn’t even like me so to hell with any ideas of friendship!” you raised your voice.

“No! You’re just overthinking it and making it into this big fucking thing like this will end the world or something I mean come on Y/N! Grow up!” he grabbed the bag you were holding to make you stop for a moment and listen to him.

“I’m looking out for you!” you poked your finger into his chest, glaring up at him and your breathing had gotten heavier, the whole situation working you up.

“Oh my! My hero, saving me from big bad Lori and her asshole friends like I totally don’t deal with that on the daily, seriously loosen the fuck up.” he scoffed and you felt your heart pang in your chest, why was he making you out to be so evil?

“Whatever, have fun— prove me wrong, I don’t care anymore.” you laughed weakly, grabbing your bag out of his grasp and storming out of the trailer.

The whole thing had you stunned, feeling like you couldn’t even breathe properly and like your whole world was collapsing on you. You had never yelled at each other like that and Eddie normally heard you out but this time he had been so mean and stubborn, all over something that— in your eyes — was going to backfire massively for the both of you.

You got home and kicked off your shoes, falling face first into the couch in the living room, “Bad day?” you heard your Mom speak up, peeking her head out from the kitchen. She walked over when she heard muffled sniffling against the pillow.

You spent a little while like that, shedding tears onto the pillow whilst your Mom stayed beside you, only raising your head to wipe at your swollen eyes, “Eddie, he’s not being very fair.” you croaked out, voice unstable.

“Hmm? How so my love?” your Mom questioned, watching you sit up properly and she grabbed a couple tissues, handing them over.

“He asked me to talk to someone he’s interested in b-but I tried to tell him I don’t think it’s a good idea because they're not nice and neither are their friends and he got all defensive.” you sniffled out in between hiccups, “You know I like him but.. it’s not even that, I care for him before anything!” you enthused.

“I know, I know..” she frowned, sighing at the situation you had explained, “Well, I know it might not be pleasant to think about but let him carry on, do what he wants to and he’ll soon come crawling back apologizing once he realizes, I’m sure he’s just being headstrong.” she shook her head, “He cares about you too, he’s just making poor decisions he has to learn from himself, there’s only so much fixing you can do Y/N.”

You knew your Mom meant well and she was being rational but you could but anything but that, you just couldn't shake the horrid feeling— probably because you were head over heels in love with him. With your heart pounding in your chest anxiously and your mind conjuring up the worst scenarios your friendship would end in, you had to distract yourself before you got yourself further worked up over the boy.

Your Mom even offered to stay home from work instead of heading to her night shift so you could both watch movies, but you refused, feeling like it would have been too much of a burden on her.

Now, with the night approaching 9 PM already and your Mom out of the trailer, and the one you loved most was off trying his best to, how you saw it, replace you, you turned to the kitchen and reached up to a top shelf, plucking a bottle of wine out and cracking the cap open to fill a glass.

It was stupid, everything felt so stupid and maybe yes, you were a little dramatic but Eddie was your everything, he had taught you so much about yourself, his presence alone had made you feel so comforted, and he genuinely listened. You had never felt like your problems were real enough until Eddie assured you that it's okay and it's not selfish to be upset, to complain, and to want to scream at the top of your lungs sometimes and he had promised he'd be there, to cheer you on, to lend a shoulder to cry on or to distract you from any hurt you were going through, he never wanted you to go through that again, he told you that you wouldn't have to.

So maybe that's why this hurt even more.

"Hey, freak, that your girlfriend?" one of the basketball players, Alex, called out mockingly, just wanting to provoke him, "she sure looks the part, wonder if she's as freaky in the bedroom as she looks."

Eddie lost his cool, his arm around you dropping from your shoulder as he turned back around and got up in Alex's face despite your protesting and tugging at his arm, "Don't fucking talk about her like that alright man? What is your problem—"

He got whacked in the face, fist flying at his cheek, feeling him knock back into you, Alex fleeing as soon as he caught sight of a teacher, fled like a coward, not that Eddie would've probably jumped on him back, he didn't scrap, that wasn't like him but he didn't just stand there all the time letting people walk all over him— especially not you.

"Oh my god, Eddie are you okay?!" you screeched out after catching a breath from stumbling back with Eddie, your hand still squeezing at his arm.

You went back to him with his trailer that day-- skipping your lessons just for him, full-on nurse mode even though it was only a busted lip, insisting that he should just rest and you'd look after him, "Y/N, it's not that bad," he shook his head dismissively, eyes blinking down at you as you kneeled in between his legs, holding a damp towel to his lip, "starting to think you just like me or something." he'd jest playfully.

"Shut up stupid, why are you saying that?" you whined, probably poutier looking than you should've been, for an obvious joke.

"You just wanna take care of me and love up on me all day." he'd coo playfully and you felt your hands get clammy despite holding the icy cold towel.

"You've gone crazy Eddie Munson, sure you didn't hit your head too?"

You felt like you had only blinked and a matter of hours had passed, sitting on the floor with your knees against your chest and you had opted to drink straight from the bottle instead of your glass now, "Stupid.. Stupid, dumb, gorgeous Eddie Munson," you grumbled drunkenly to yourself, "I mean really? What do I not have? I-I want him so bad." you slurred out, banging your head back against the mattress on your bed.

You didn't even hear the soft knocking on your window until it grew louder and you finally thought you had lost it, hearing things and becoming paranoid.

"Y/N!" you heard a muffled voice and whipped your head around in the direction of the window, eyes going wide when you saw Eddie. You pushed yourself up but were very unsteady on your feet, getting to the window with the help of grabbing everything around you for stability.

Pushing the window open, you were swaying back and forth a little and squinting at him in your drunken haze, "What?" you bleated, seeing Eddie already push himself into your room, "No, nu uh, Eddie, get out." you complained, but he was already in your room.

"Drunk? Why're you drunk?" he questioned, noticing your incessant hiccups, and slurred words, and the empty bottle laid on the ground. He grabbed your hand and sat you down on the bed, watching the way your lips downturned into a pout, quietening up suddenly.

"Why're you here.. the party." you mumbled, glancing down at your hands in your lap, his hand still grasping gently at your wrist.

"Y/N it's 1 AM, besides, I didn't wanna stay long, needed to see you." he shook his head, waving his hand like he didn't want to talk about it.

In truth, as soon as Eddie walked through the door and greeted Lori, it was clear as the night grew, what her intentions were from the start.

At first, Lori was pleasant, cute even and she buttered Eddie up with endless compliments and questions about his band she saw at the diner that night, to Eddie she seemed sweet, and yeah, her friends all gave him the nastiest of looks and snide comments but they didn't seem to interfere too much and Lori didn't give it any thought either, to him it was just nice that she was joining in with the cruel remarks.

“Did you bring that stuff?” she squeezed his arm, sweet smile making her eyes crease, “Oh, um yeah but we don’t have to do anything.” Eddie hesitated but pulled out the little baggies of weed and assortments of pills from his pocket, hearing her gasp, “Ooh fun!” she winked.

“You don’t mind? I can make it up to you later.” she leaned in, pecking his cheek and swiping the various tiny plastic bags from his hand.

He didn’t exactly have a say in it, he was stupid but not that stupid, he knew saying no, suddenly going all cold and storming out the party flooded with football and basketball players, with his ‘fun’ he’d just displayed to her, wasn’t going to work and she knew that too. Lori always got what she wanted, with a sweet over-exaggerated smile and forcibly high tone.

"Y’know, you’re like.. not as weird as I thought you'd be, kinda cute." a drunken Lori cooed, eyes big as they looked up at him, "That Y/N though, I mean even though you're out of my league, shit she's like the bottom of the barrel-kinda out of your league!" she burst out into laughter.

His face scrunched up in disbelief, he didn’t care about the drugs anymore, how much money he would lose or how Lori had just used him— probably just to impress her friends. No, this was unbelievable, this was bullshit and downright cruel.

He pushed Lori a couple steps away from himself and shook his head, “Are you serious?” he grimaced, “You think that’s actually funny saying that disgusting shit about her?” he scoffed.

“Oh c’mon, lighten up!” she groaned, eyes rolling which only got Eddie more frustrated.

“You’re fucking fake, how can you be so proud and walk around like that confidently? It’s ugly and I hope it bites you in the ass, fuck you.” he watched the way Lori’s face scrunched up in disgust at his words.

“Oh fuck you, like you have any room to talk, get the fuck out freak!” she suddenly yelled, jabbing her finger into his chest and Eddie didn’t say another word, wanting nothing more than to get away from her and her disgusting mouth.

“Fucking bitch..” he scoffed under his breath, luckily stepping out of the door before anyone caught on to the situation and jumped him.

He felt bad, like a scolded puppy dog when he rolled up to Y/N’s trailer, knocking on her window and ready to be I told you so'd but if he didn’t he knew she would’ve avoided him the whole weekend, would’ve probably even walked to school on Monday too and he just couldn’t have that.

“You’re ruining my night,” you hiccupped, “well actually you already ruined it but now it’s doubly ruined.” you breathed out shakily and Eddie sighed, nodding knowingly.

“I know and—“ you glared at him and he stuttered his words, jumbling them up nervously, “I was too harsh and I should’ve heard you out instead of freaking out on you, whether I went or not I shouldn’t have treated you like that, at all!” he squeezed your hand in his to bring his point home.

“You’re mean.” he watched your eyes drop back into his lap and suddenly heard a weak sniffle. Eddie gulped back a nervous lump in his throat, feeling his heart pang in his chest, he had really fucked up.

“Oh no.. Y/N,” he spoke out softly— cautiously not to make you further upset, “I’m sorry angel, I'm really, really sorry.” he frowned, leaning in closer but you just recoiled.

“No, please stop that.” you shuffled away, crawling to the end of the bed and curling up, “Stop calling me that a-and touching me like that, my head, it messes with my head and my heart hurts.” you whined, feeling like you couldn’t catch your breath.

“Y/N I don’t know what you mean if you don’t talk to me..” he pleaded with his eyes, giving you your space since he didn’t want to overwhelm you, “I know I messed up, I can only prove to you it won’t happen again, I cherish us so much you have no idea-“

“No! You have no idea!” you snapped, sitting up and he could see your whole body tremble with every drawn-out breath you took.

“You’re so sweet and caring and then you step all over me like everyone else! Getting me to do this and that because you know that I will because you know I like you.” you were just spewing words at this point, “It’s not fair, none of this is fair, and—“ you found yourself letting out another sob, “I don’t like this, I don’t like it anymore, hurts too bad. I do everything I can but it’s not enough for you to look at me like I want you to.” you squeezed your arm nervously, feeling loose tears drip down your cheeks and your head felt so heavy.

“So please just go, leave— don’t want any pity or apologizes, just stupid puppy love, a dumb crush, it’ll pass.” you whimpered out brokenly, mostly saying that to ease yourself but you knew how pathetic you looked saying this was nothing more than a dumb crush when here you are bawling your eyes out like this and confessing in front of him after some wine? It was pitiful.

It was silent for a little while and you had buried your head into your arms, rocking yourself back and forth comfortingly. You heard shuffling around before feeling Eddie tugging you into his embrace which rumbled another sob past your lips, reaching out to grip his shirt in upset and frustration, “Why..” you whispered out, “Why can’t you just leave?” your voice was hoarse and scratchy from your stuffy nose and glassy eyes but his hold on you didn’t let up.

“I can’t..” he shook his head, voice hushed, “It might be selfish but I just can’t, I don’t want to.” he frowned, tilting your chin up and wiping away the dried tears on your cheek. Eddie breathed out, gently pushing your head back against his chest and rocking the both of you gently, “I know that you’re tired of hearing it but I’m so sorry.. for making you confused, hurt, I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.” he squeezed you.

“I guess my words, actions came off strong but..” he closed his eyes, squeezing them together, “that’s not a bad thing.” your eyebrows furrowed at that, ready to pull away and curse at him properly this time but he continued speaking, “I mean.. things are confusing but I like it- I mean, I like us, y’know..” he was awkward, scratching behind his head nervously.

He notices you shake your head and he anxiously laughed, “Can we talk about this in the morning? You’ve been drinking and crying, you need some sleep.” he kissed the top of your head and you melted, almost forgetting everything that had previously gone down tonight.

“I don’t deserve it but hear me out, please?” he looked down at you, big twinkly brown eyes and you felt your heart break for what was probably the hundredth time, nodding in compliance.

“We’ll talk and we won’t leave the room until everything is off our chests and good, okay?” he cupped your face and you couldn’t do anything but nod once again, completely drained— not be able to muster up any more complaining or tears.

Eddie smiled, giving you one more squeeze in his warm embrace before he pulled away, to your dismay, almost audibly whining at the lack of his warmth and comfort.

“Can you stay at least.. I know I said leave but it’s okay.” you spoke quietly, eyes avoiding his as you crawled up your bed and under your covers, “Want me to tuck you in?” he asked, watching you nod with your eyes peeking out from under the sheet.

He walked over, taking the corners of the duvet and making sure it was snugly tucked against you your frame, grabbing one of your plushies and even placing it under the covers beside your head.

Eddie grinned, pleased at his work before walking over to grab the blanket and cushion on the chair in the corner of your room. He tugged off his vest and kicked off his shoes before laying himself down on the floor, head resting on the little pillow and pink blanket draped over himself, “G’night angel.” you heard him softly call out.

Your eyes closed and the next time you opened them was when you felt the sun spilling in through a crack in your closed curtains, grumbling nonsense and burying your head further into the pillow in protest of the sun.

You heard Eddie’s hoarse voice as he groaned out, “Morning..” he said in between a yawn, sitting up and pressing his hand against his lower back, aching from the hard floor beneath him all night.

“I grabbed you some water.” he spoke up, pointing towards the glass beside your bedside table and you didn’t hesitate in gulping down the liquid relief, you had a dull headache, it could’ve been way worse considering drinking and crying all night but you got rather lucky.

“Can I come up?” he asked from the floor and you tried not to smile, shuffling to sit up against the headboard properly, “Mhm.”

Eddie crawled onto the bed and relaxed against the soft mattress and sheets that smelt like you, “Sleep okay?” he asked quietly and you nodded, knowing he was just trying to process all of last night.

“Can we talk about what happened?” he looked over at you at the top of the bed, “If you want to of course.” he added.

“Yeah, I want to.” you bit your bottom lip in between your teeth, anxiously biting at the skin, “I’m sorry, I know I overreacted, blabbering around about a crush and stuff, was really stupid and I was just being over emotional like— you shouldn’t of listened to anything I said.” you laughed nervously, fiddling with loose threads on your sheets.

Eddie frowned, aware you were only trying to cover yourself, probably embarrassed but that’s not what he wanted to hear, the last thing he wanted to hear was you taking any of it back.

In truth Eddie had spent the most of the night on the floor, staring up at the ceiling and playing countless scenarios and made up conversations in his head of how to tell you he liked you, he wanted to give it a chance but he was just scared to commit, make anything official. His mind was racing, wondering how he could keep someone so dear to his heart like you, how to make you happy, how to make you know you’re loved— of course he knew he fulfilled that as a friend but in a relationship? that was completely different and so much more intense and he was terrified to screw that up, what if he broke your heart for real or you broke his? He couldn’t cope with that.

“No, no, it’s okay.” he smiled, reassuringly reaching out and grabbing one of your hands, fiddling with your fingers, “Even though you were mad at me, it's understandable.” he laughed quietly, shaking his head before continuing, “I just feel like we should really talk about it, I don’t wanna upset you anymore and I need to make sure you’re okay and that we're on the same page.” he looked you dead in the eye but you couldn’t hold his gaze, too embarrassed still by last nights messy drunken confessing.

You were fearing the worst, rejection— you'd be told that in simple words, you weren't what Eddie wanted, he'd never be able to see you that way, you basically braced for impact.

Your lips pursed together and you took a deep breath in and out from your nose before lifting your head, eyes wandering aimlessly around the room to try and muster up any courage you could, eventually just blurting it out under your breath, "I do.. I do like you, more than a friend,"

You didn't hear him say anything and your eyes were now fixed back onto your lap, breathing picking up nervously, "And I'm sorry, I've been probably coming off way too pushy and overbearing, clingy, annoying— everything." you laughed out bitterly through a trembled breath, your whole chest feeling like it was tightening up in fear of the worst, "But genuinely that's not the reason I ended up being worried about Lori- I won't go into it, you know how I feel." you muttered, not wanting to speak on Lori and upset Eddie if he had a good night with her at the party, even if he came back to you after.

"Y/N," Eddie called out but you kept your head down, 'oh god here it comes' that little voice in your head spoke, the one that never rooted for you, "Look at me? Please." his head titled, wanting to meet your eyes.

You hesitated but eventually subdued the big wave of unease making you feel defeated already, your eyes looking back up and catching his and he noticed how your lips downturned and your eyes were a little swollen from crying last night, crying because of him.

"Can you give me a chance?" you heard him ask, hesitant and he even looked nervous himself which oddly put you at ease a little, you shook your head, eyebrows furrowing in confusion, "I mean like, we can try it, us, together." he swayed his hands between the both of you to emphasize what he was trying to say.

Eddie was asking to take your friendship further, a relationship.

You blinked a couple times, almost forgetting to breathe before you came back around, and a small laugh came out, honestly in pure disbelief, "Like.. Like boyfriend, girlfriend kinda thing?" you pointed to yourself and then Eddie.

Eddie nervously laughed, scratching behind his head and nodding, "Mhm, something like that would be great."

"You really like me or you're just saying this?" you asked, scepticism dripping in your tone, as much as you liked Eddie you wouldn't let yourself get played around if he wasn't going to show the same energy as you back.

"No- I mean, yes, god, yes I really mean it and no I would never fool you about like that, I respect you Y/N, and last night, you deserved so much better than how I acted." he reached out, squeezing your hands in his and you relaxed, watching him and listening intently, "Uhh, I mean last night was just so dumb.. and I should've listened and I've had you doubting yourself since I got you chasing around Lori for me and I hate that I did that, I'm sorry, I'm a fucking asshole." he squeezed your hands, tight and you heard him scoff, frustrated with himself.

"So, you don't like Lori? I mean.. it's nothing like a serious crush or whatever?" you studied him, wanting to read his expression, you noticed he did seem genuinely worked up at how things went.

"I don't like Lori, I was just chasing after something that seemed like a fun risky idea but it wasn't real, none of it or the people are. It's stupid." he shook his head, looking like he was in his head for a moment and you wanted to question him, wondering what happened last night but he spoke up again,

"But I have the real thing, right here, right in front of me, waiting for the longest time and I've been too foolish to act on it because I'm a coward in all honesty," he threw his head back with a sigh, "scared I'll mess it up, that you'll end up hating me and we'll be left as nothing, I can't lose you." he looked back ahead and he was frowning, he looked uneasy.

"We can take it day by day, it doesn't have to be all at once and nothing has to drastically change like we're getting married tomorrow or something." you laughed, happy when you saw Eddie's lips upturn into a smile.

“So you don’t wanna marry me?” he gasped dramatically, clutching his heart and frowning to which you giggled at, nudging his arm, “Y/N Munson.. hmm doesn’t sound as cool as my name but I still like it.” he further teased before shuffling himself closer to you.

“Day by day, yeah?” he spoke quietly now he was closer and you could smell that strawberry conditioner you had left over in his bathroom, mixed with cigarette smoke lingering on his clothes.

You nodded and felt his hand come up to cup your cheek, leaning in and pressing his lips to the top of your head as his arms moved down to clasp around your waist securely, your back hitting the bed as you felt his weight on top of you and his face resting at your neck.

You breathed him in, hand reaching up to comb through any knots in his hair, you cuddled like this before but now your heart was calm and Eddie had just asked to be your boyfriend.

“You know I really am sorry about yesterday right? I’m not just saying that. I’ll do better.” he spoke against your neck and you nodded gently, fingers untangling one of his curly strands.

“Mhm, I know,” you spoke quietly, feeling like anything else would hinder the comforting atmosphere you both needed to be surrounded in.

“Hey..” he spoke quietly, head leaning up and chin resting against your shoulder as he blinked up at you, “You’re so pretty.” he winked and you felt your face get warm from the compliment, eyelashes fluttering as you glanced at him before anywhere else in the room to settle your heart that was pounding right underneath where his head was resting.

The two of you didn’t leave bed till evening aside from going to pee or grab snacks here and there, the both of you just spent the whole Saturday in each other's embrace, talking about anything that was on your minds.

With it being Saturday it meant no school tomorrow either and the both of you could laze around in each other arms- Eddie even suggested you both skipped Monday in favor of going out on a date and you were almost tempted but you knew your Mom would find out.

So the first date moved to Sunday, tomorrow.

You picked out something cute, the colors matching you perfectly and you thought Eddie would appreciate that too, paired with those shoes Eddie helped you pick out, it was the perfect date outfit.

Stepping out of the trailer you saw Eddie already waiting, leaned up against the car and holding a bunch of flowers, grinning ear to ear already as you approached him, taking in his outfit, he had black denim pants on but this time they weren’t distressed, still fitted him nicely and he kept the belt on, on his upper half he had a white printed t-shirt on with a black opened button down on top and he looked great, showed off his arms that were decorated in tattoos, that you adored so much on him and you didn’t miss the long necklace he wore hanging from his neck, making you feel a little light-headed from how attractive he looked.

“You look so cute, ah Y/N, you'll break my heart." he dramatically gasped, taking in every single little detail you had put into your outfit before noticing your eyes lingering on him, "I know, I know I look ridiculous, this whole date thing is kinda new to me too.” he laughed, handing you the flowers, “Picked those up in record time, only nearly jumping like two red lights?” he chuckled.

You knew Eddie liked to fool around but it was true, he didn’t go on many dates or fully invest time into finding someone to fall for but you didn’t question it and if anything his nerves made you feel better about your own.

“So! Bowling and then ice cream parlor?” he double-checked with you, watching you nod excitedly at the plans, “Follow me, m’lady.” he cooed playfully, opening the passenger door and letting you hop in before he rushed around to the driver's side and started up the car.

You were so happy and the date hadn’t even really begun yet, you just knew you could do anything with Eddie and feel so warm and content inside, it was a feeling you cherished more than anything.

Your first date was everything you had hoped for and more, it wasn’t any different than any other time you had fun plans together- and that’s exactly how you wanted it, it proved that nothing would change, you were both comfortable around each other still, no high expectations that everything would happen all at once, way too fast— yes, a few shy giggles here and there when Eddie said something extremely cheesy but it was all perfect.

You were finishing up — not really, the both of you would spend the night with each other — the date at the local ice cream parlour, Eddie asking for both of your favourite flavours whilst you sat down in a booth, swinging your feet in absolute blissful joy, you did it, Eddie was yours, this was really happening and you weren’t just daydreaming.

You snapped out of your gleeful thoughts when you saw Eddie in front of you, holding the two cups of ice cream, “Uh uh.” he complained when you reached out for yours, cooing at the cute little frown on your face, “Obligatory boyfriend deed, I gotta feed you this ice cream babe.” he snickered and you rolled your eyes at his antics, not missing the way your heart clenched at the new pet name. Feeling him poking the wooden ice cream spoon at your lips, you obliged, tasting the creamy delicious treat, humming in approval at the taste before plucking the spoon out of his fingers and scooping some up for him to try now.

"Mmh.." he hummed, pondering over the taste like some expert, "Too sweet, so I guess it's perfect for you." he smirks, your nose scrunching as you shook your head and grabbed the small ice cream cup from him.

It was about 8 PM when the both of you headed on back to the trailer park, opting to follow Eddie back to his room this time, hearing him playfully coo about how he had been surrounded by your evil little plushies and menacingly tidy room all weekend.

You sighed and rolled your shoulders back once you were in Eddie's room, happy to be in the comfort of just each other and 4 walls again, you flinched when you felt a shirt come flying at your face, scowling at him when you dragged it away from your head.

It was his Hellfire shirt and you looked at him, confused— sure, he let you stay over before, in his shirt and some shorts, but never his Hellfire shirt.. and no pants.

"Put it on dummy, it'll look cute." he cooed like it was obvious, as you stood there, staring down at the infamous shirt.

"Okay, well turn around pervert." you jokingly glared at him and he obliged, turning around with his hands up.

You kicked off your date clothes and pulled the Hellfire shirt over your head, turning around when you were decent, "Mmh'okay." you nodded, still seeing him facing the wall and you laughed, "You can look, dummy."

When he turned around, his eyes went wide, taking in one of his fantasies he had thought and admittedly had countless wet dreams about, and oh god, it was better in real life. Eddie had to clear his throat to get himself composed, "Yeah— uhm.. wow," he chuckled, hand combing through his hair, "you look really fucking cute, c'mere.." he sighed, sitting himself down at the edge of his bed, legs spread wide open.

His reaction had your hands clammy, digging your nails into your palms and biting on the inside of your lip, gradually stepping over the thrown-about clothes and cigarette packets on the floor until you were standing between his legs.

"You okay?" he asked, head tilted to the side and accessing your demeanor, the last thing he wanted was to make you uncomfortable.

You nodded, giving him a shy smile before you took a hold of his hand, pressing small, delicate kisses to the back of it which had his heart fluttering in bliss, "You're so gorgeous." he pulled you closer with his hand in yours.

"Can I kiss you?"

Your heart stopped, breath hitching when you looked at his eyes to find him already staring up at you with the sweetest little hopeful expression on his soft features.

"Mh, yes— please." you stuttered out, embarrassed by how flustered you sounded which only made him grin wider, pulling you smoothly onto his lap.

His hands came up and cupped your cheeks delicately, scared touching you too suddenly would startle you away like a baby deer but he relaxed when you nestled your cheek further against the warmth of his palm, one of your hands even coming up to reassuringly squeeze his arm.

"Cute." he mouthed, barely audible as you watched the way his eyes fluttered close, following suit and in no time you felt his soft plump lips molding with yours as if it was completely natural, like you had done this a million times before but you hadn't and your heart proved that, racing and pounding out of your chest like crazy. You got kind of self-conscious that you were just sitting there stunned, so you let yourself relax as best as you can, enjoying the sensation of the soft, slow, and purposeful movement of his lips on yours, it felt like paradise, better than any daydreaming you could've conjured up in your head.

When he pulled away a little he noticed the way your eyebrows furrowed, displeased from his withdrawal, chasing his lips and initiating the kissing this time, gaining some confidence which only spurred him on more.

You could've spent hours like this, attached to him, with your legs either side of his lap, your hands gripping his arms and your lips meshed with his, hearing delicious sighs leave his mouth.

"Keep going.." you spoke, breathy and feverish.

His eyes were lidded once they opened again to look at you properly, one of his hands at your hips, squeezing subtly, "Are you sure?" he spoke faintly under his breath, watching you nod and feeling your fingers drag through his hair encouragingly, "I like it, I really like it." you whispered, lips claiming his once more.

You felt greedy, swallowing up every piece of affection he gave you but you couldn't help it, he was making you giddy, your intense yearning having felt like it had led up to this.

"Mmh.." you whimpered under a broken breath, feeling him trail his velvety lips down towards your jawline, your eyes squeezing shut in concentration, not wanting to make any further embarrassing noises- didn't wanna disturb his wandering kisses.

"Can I touch you more?" he muffled in between pecking and leaving open-mouthed kisses that were trailing towards your neck.

"Please.. a-ah, please do." you ignored the way your whole body was burning up, gripping his shaggy hair in between your fingers and tilting your neck to the side.

Next, you felt his hands lifting up his shirt you were wearing and you couldn't help the whine that slipped from your lips, he was so very warm, hands laying rest on your bare waist, rubbing soft circles on the skin with his thumb as his kisses strayed more and more from innocent, feeling his tongue flick against a certain part of your neck that had you jolting in his lap.

Eddie thought you were the closest thing he could get to any sort of heaven, the cute little mewls you let out, the way he could feel the goosebumps under his fingertips, and oh god, you smelt so good he thought he would've gone crazed.

But, he kept his composure, wouldn't let himself do anything that wasn't complete concentration, and care for you, even if his jeans felt tight, denim fabric biting at his skin, he just wanted to draw every little pleasant sound and quiver out of you.

"More, more please." you hushed out against the top of his head and he was so overjoyed, you were being so vocal and every little please had him suppressing the urge to drop everything then and there and completely indulge, no, he wouldn't do that, he had all the time in the world and this was just the start.

You felt your hips lifting a little and you fluttered your eyes open, feeling reassured once you felt your back hit his bed and Eddie leaning over you, leaning in and dragging his thumb along your bottom lip, “You’re so beautiful, all mine now hmm? Never letting you outta my sight.” he smirked, tongue poking out of his mouth.

“This okay?” he asked, moving your legs open so he could kneel in between them and you felt the cold air biting at your bare skin, the thought of being so close to him, only your white undies and his Hellfire shirt preserving you from being completely exposed.

“Mhm, it’s okay.” you breathed out, hands taking a hold of his and squeezing, you would’ve told him by now that this was all okay, that he didn’t need to keep asking but you just found it so sweet and endearing, wanting to keep giving him sweet affirmations.

Once he was settled in between your legs he had leaned further down and your arms found place comfortingly around his shoulders, pressing delicate kisses into his neck before he tilted your chin up to catch your attention, “We can go slow, nothing all at once,” he assured you, licking his swollen-kissed lips, “can I play with you tonight? i’ll make you feel so amazing.” he promised and you felt the way his fingertips danced along your outer thigh enticingly.

You felt your breath get caught in your throat, your eyes wide but soft, looking at him with so much trust, you nodded, leaning back in against his neck, “I’d love that Eddie.” you faintly spoke.

Eddie was smug, enjoying every little second with his full attention span on you, mind clouded with only you so when he watched your hands find purchase at the bottom of his Hellfire shirt you were wearing, his breath hitched, your stomach and white panties coming in to view and you were so much more than a dream in your boyfriend's eyes.

“This okay? M-maybe we can leave the shirt mostly on for today if that’s okay?” you asked hesitantly but watched him nod.

“Whatever you want baby, it’s okay.” he placed soft kisses at your lips, fingers soothing along your stomach and watching the way you quivered in surprise, “Tickles.” you giggled, legs kicking a little and he grinned, cute, he thought.

“Sorry.” he scrunched his nose up adorably before repositioning himself until his head was above where it felt warm the most and you took a deep unsteady breath, “Ah, sorry.. you just look really good down there.” you blurted out, hearing Eddie chuckle as his hands found purchase at your thighs, softly pressing his thumb into the skin whilst he started littering open mouth, wet kisses on the other.

“You’ll tell me if you want me to slow down or stop, m’kay?” he mumbled against your skin, more like a demand than a question though he briefly glanced up at you to see you nod in agreement.

You were squirming a little already underneath his wet hot mouth, his hand coming up to rest at your lower abdomen to ease you and it helped but oh gosh did it make things feel ten times more intense.

“It’s okay, I got you, baby, I got you.” he kissed upward your thigh before leaning up a little and tucking his fingers under either side of your panties, pulling them down and embarrassingly you clenched your thighs together when you felt a string of wetness attached to the fabric.

“Sorry.” you bit at your lip before relaxing, his soft milk chocolate eyes easing you.

“Shh, i’m about to eat you out and you’re apologizing for being turned on by it?” he chuckles before ducking his head against your thigh, “You’re so cute.” he hummed.

“Can’t help it..” you complained, hearing him hum again, in acknowledgment.

“Let me take care of it princess.” he spoke gently, voice dripping with desire and you would’ve curled up into a ball and screamed at how attractive he was if he wasn’t in between your legs right now.

You relaxed again and let him throw your underwear over his shoulder, laying forgotten about amongst many other thinks in his room. You didn’t even get a chance to think because you felt his thumb swipe against your sensitive clit, legs trembling under him and you heard him giggle.

Eddie Munson was going to be the death of you.

His kisses got closer and closer to where you needed him most and it had your voice strained, desperate, hearing your sweet whimpers pick up in your throat, just cooing tauntingly at you.

But when he finally licked up from your slit to your bundle of nerves you could’ve cried right then and there, his tongue flattened against you, and this time your hands flew into his hair, grasping desperately, “O-oh— nghh, Eddie.” you gasped out.

He glanced up at you through lidded eyes and you couldn’t hold his gaze for too long, the way his tongue was licking up into you and twisting and flicking around you had your eyes rolling back and it hadn’t even been that long, the sight was pure filth, the most delicious and intoxicating kind.

Eddie could spend all day like this, in between your shaky thighs, tongue lapping up everything your delicious cunt gave him like he was a starved man, but he just wanted you to feel your best and he wanted you to know he was the one doing that for you, making you tick, squeal and shake with just a few movements of his tongue.

Eddie had you feeling completely euphoric, his hands manoeuvring your thighs up onto his shoulders, squeezing and gently pinching the soft skin.

His tongue got messier and messier and he shook his head in between your thighs, lips wrapped around your clit and suckling, exaggerating every little lewd sound his tongue made against you and it had you feeling in felicity, countless broken hiccups, moans, and chants of his name falling from your lips, drool seeping past the corner of your mouth.

“Think I’m— uh! Eddie— oh my god, close, m’ so close.” you shrilled out and Eddie didn’t take a breath, keeping his tongue and lips attached sloppily to your clit as he bought his hand up, fingertip swiping a mixture of your juices and his salvia up and down your slit before slowing pushing a finger in inch by inch.

You could feel the tip of his nose pressing against your skin as he attentively licked and suck at your clit, his finger alone being enough to feel like you could burst any second, and when he added a second, curling them up against that mushy spot inside you, you sobbed out, thighs squeezing your his head and back arching off the bed.

“Ah! Eddie, nghh! c-cumming.” you gasped out breathlessly, feeling the way his tongue lapped you up until you got too sore and sensitive, whining at the discomfort.

You breathed out, chest rising and falling as you laid there with your thighs trembling as Eddie pushed up, off of your burning heat and pressing soft and gentle kisses to your neck to which you giggled at, finding the gesture sweet.

“That was so fucking hot, you have no idea.” he rasped against your neck and you looked down at him through tired eyes, leaning in and pressing your lips to his, tasting yourself on his tongue.

Eddie laid there with you, noticing all the days— and nights excitement had caught up on you quick and your eyes were closing and your head nestling at his chest for comfort. He stayed, kissing the top of your head and letting you rest for the night since you both had classes in the morning.

Though, that didn’t bother Eddie himself and he had a rather— big, problem to sort, to himself, in the bathroom.

Slipping out of the bed careful as to not disturb you, remembering he had thrown your panties to the floor so he didn't miss an opportunity to pick them back up on the way to the bathroom, closing the door behind himself, sitting himself down after pushing his pants and briefs halfway down his thighs, cock still burning red and the prettiest pearl of precum at his flushed tip as he wrapped one leg of your panties in between his fingers and the other around his cock.

His hand was heavy and sluggish, taking a strong grip at the base of himself and stroking as he leaned back, your moans and the sweet taste of you bouncing around in his head and at the tip of his tongue, which helped greatly with getting himself off, plus the feeling of the fabric brushing up against his cock was doing wonders.

If you would’ve seen him like that you would’ve dropped to your knees, absolutely folded in front of him, he looked gorgeous with his loose hair strands sticking to his face and his blissed-out glassy eyes desperate for some relief.

“A-ah— Y/N, oh baby.” he hissed through his teeth as his stroking picked up and he would’ve thought it to be a little embarrassing feeling so quick to blow his load already but seeing you like that had his mind all jumbled and cock begging to be touched, till he was drained.

He lost it, desperately bucking his hips up into his hand and strips of pearly white cum landing all over his stomach, the pretty sticky substances dripping down his tummy.

Eddie cursed out as he caught his breath, grabbing a towel and cleaning himself up, kicking off his pants, and opting for just a clean pair of briefs, stuffing your panties into his underwear draw.

Once his situation had been sorted he wandered back towards the bed, happy to see you still off in dreamland peacefully and he didn’t waste any time in joining you, pulling you against him until your back was flush with his chest, kissing upwards along your arm until he landed a firm kiss to your cheek, “G’night sweetheart.”

You woke up the next morning when you heard ruffling around, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes and watching Eddie pushing up his pants as he kicked his foot around the floor to find his keys, picking them up and stuffing them in his pocket.

"Eddie." you called out, voice laced with sleep and his head whipped round, eyes softening at the sight of you awake,

"Hi, sweetheart," he cooed before laughing-- nervously, "don't wanna alarm you but we might have like— hmm, 10 minutes to get to first class?"

You jumped up, "Eddie!" you yelled this time, tone not so soft as you rushed around to pick up something, anything decent enough to wear, throwing on one of his shirts and your skirt you picked out for the date last night.

"M' sorry, god, you just looked so cute and peaceful, it would've been cruel to wake you but I was going to.. eventually." he winced, rubbing his arm.

"It's okay, let's just go hmm?" you reassured him, not wanting to waste any more time just to get scolded by Mr. Thomas in the early morning.

You both hastily rushed out of the door, jumping in the passenger seat and groaning at your frazzled appearance in the mirror, "Ew." you grumbled and Eddie frowned,

"Don't say that about my girlfriend." he scolded playfully, squeezing your thigh before pulling out of the trailer park and going the usual direction to school.

Memories of your date and more risky activities had flooded back to your mind, knowing you would've been away with the fairy's daydreaming about it all day it class and you were kind of excited.

This feeling was so new, yeah you've liked Eddie for a long time but you never had him like this. It felt like you had gotten swept off your feet, dancing on clouds and starring in your very own romance movie, everything was so serene.

When you got pulled out of your thoughts, seeing Hawkin's High in front of you, of course, it was a bummer but turning to see Eddie with a sweet grin on his face, leaning in for a kiss you reciprocated, made everything worth it, you got to do everything and anything ten times over with who your heart had been longing for.

"Have a good first-class okay angel? I'll see you at lunch, maybe even sneak by your class at second period." he smirked, watching you playfully roll your eyes as you hopped out of the car and gave him a sweet wave as you parted ways.

Luckily you were on time despite Eddie's shenanigans and also first class normally didn't drag on for too long, which was good because you weren't fond of Maths— wait, you had Maths first and Lori would be there, like usual.

You didn't even think about that until you were walking up the stairs to the classroom but you just breathed, relaxing and chanting reassuring words in your head, you didn't have to be a messenger anymore, besides they didn't even know anything and they probably wouldn't find out unless they actually cared to do some digging.

You walked with your head down until you got to your table, settling yourself on the uncomfortable chairs and grabbing out any supplies you needed.

But it wasn't that easy, never was.

"Oh my goodness, Y/N!" you heard her grating voice, violating your eardrums but you forced a smile, nodding her way.

"You should've come to that party the other night, your friend is crazy." she cackled, your eyebrows furrowing in confusion, she was adamantly against talking to you in public, and now all this?

"He's a little weird y'know, sensitive too," she rolled her eyes before continuing, "but it's all good fun-"

"Lori, it's okay, I don't need to know." you cut her off, watching any previous emotion drain from her face, hearing a scoffed laughter.

"Well!" she huffed, "I just thought you would've like to know what he said." she dramatically flung her hands up defensively, "Sorry for trying to help a girlfriend out." she murmered.

"What? What are you even talking about.." you sighed, Lori's energy and back and forth draining you already.

"Oh no.. it's a lot, I don't wanna upset you— I just, y'know, we gotta look out for each other, some of these guys are heartless." she jutted her bottom lip out, looking genuinely worried which made your stomach churn.

"What did he say Lori? you're scaring me." you spoke quietly.

"We were just talking, about school, graduating, and friends and I let him open up, he seemed like he needed to talk so I let him but, it got weird," she sighed, clutching her hand to her chest, "He told me he couldn't see any of his friends in his future, that they were all just hopeless and pathetic, that they'd be stuck in Hawkins forever." she shook her head, recalling the event, "So I bought you up," she shrugged, "because I thought the both of you were close but he just started complaining, going on this wacky rant about how insufferable, clingy and dependent you are on him- I mean isn't that crazy?!" she gasped, "Who says that about their best friend? What a dick! I even decided to kick him out of the party eventually, sending his ass home not even a little past midnight." she snickered before softening her expression once again.

She reached out, grabbing a hold of your hand and squeezing, "I know what it's like to be pushed aside and stepped all over, treated like shit for doing everything you can, it's awful, I'm so sorry." she frowned.

You ripped your hands from Lori's, abruptly storming away from your desk, chair knocking over in the midst of it all. You just needed to go, get away, anywhere but here, this building, these people.

Your stomach bubbled with anxiety and you felt like you couldn't breathe, eyes stinging with tears as you stumbled towards the bathroom in a complete panic.

Why would he do this..

[linkedspirit-fanartfunart]

Look out its a Linkblr Dashboard Simulator!

3 notes

🪶 redwingskies Follow

So who was gonna tell me the Surface is Real, huh? Who.

🎶 ocarina-macarina Follow

Where are you from?? What....what are you??? ....God?

🪶 redwingskies Follow

Nah turns out she's my best friend though.

🪶 redwingskies Follow

Hey btw, If I kill a god does that make me one? Is there like. Rules for this? Asking for a friend. (Like seriously. I don't care. He does.)

1,680 notes

🚋 train-life Follow

Today's Fact: Did you know Trains are the reason New Hyrule has Standardized Time Zones? As citizens needed to know when to get to a train station, the council lobbied for standardized time that could be applied precisely for travel by train! The entire modern perception of time is because of the Train!

⌛️ forestchild Follow

Thanks, I hate it. Lets go back to living by the sun rise and set.

🌸 dont-look-at-me Follow

??? We've always had standard time zones??? What are you talking about. Trains didn't invent that.

🚋 train-life Follow

...they literally did. I re-researched this to double check. What are YOU talking about?

🌸 dont-look-at-me Follow

Time zones? Like. The era of Legend, the Golden era, bullfish like that?

🚋 train-life Follow

... you can swear you know? I'm 12 not a baby.

🌊 kingoftheseagull Follow

you're HOW OLD? I thought you were a Royal Engineer???

🚋 train-life Follow

12? It's in my bio?

🌊 kingoftheseagull Follow

I love you but get the hell off of this website why are you here

🌟 excuuuse-me Follow

Can we go back to the weirdo who thinks Time Zones are HISTORICAL PERIODS?

🌸 dont-look-at-me Follow

Haha yea total weirdo, what, are they like 400 years old or something? Lol

🐴 goatman4life Follow

Actually I wanna get back to why a 12 year old has a job

1,203 notes

🐟 indigo-gos-official Follow

Hey anybody willing to lend me bail money? I'm short like 10 rupees and it's really annoying.

⌛️ forestchild Follow

Wait shit wrong account! Wrong account!!

🐴 goatman4life Follow

Why do you have access to a hyper-famous Zora Band's account??

⌛️ forestchild Follow

Their lead guitarist died in front of me and I am very nice. Now get me out of jail goatman.

23,045 notes

🌳 wildflowerwastaken Follow

.

#hi #i saw a cool bird today #the camera was left on selfie mode so it only got a picture of me squinting at it #the bird noticed the flash and it pecked me until I fell out of the tree #straight into a malice puddle #the bird was pretty tho #so I say my day went great!

2 notes

🌟 excuuuse-me Follow

Hey apparently I need to update people on my boundaries. So. Here is a list of what's okay:

Hugging

Kissing me

Kissing me directly on the lips

👀

Parasocial relationships where you praise me constantly <3

And this is NOT okay

Hunting me for my blood to revive the prince of darkness

Ignoring me

Thank you, that's really all, I'm kinda sad that this has to be said but clarity is wisdom and all.

👑 princess-of-hyrule Follow

Link. This is not what I told you to post.

🌟 excuuuse-me Follow

Well EXUSe ME if my boundaries look different than yours!!

25,690 notes

⚒️ smol-smithy Follow

Hey pulled the Four Sword again so we need help figuring out who gets to run the blog lol.

Thanks everybody

⏳️ forestchild Follow

Lol this loser doesn't know how to make sideblogs

🎶 ocarina-macarina Follow

The poll says "Who gets to be Link on MAIN" though, so maybe they do? They just wanna have one person in charge of the first blog?

⏳️ forestchild Follow

The path to truth is unity. Many voices can be heard within one "main".

-The Diety

⏳️ forestchild Follow

...ignore him, I've made him a sideblog and he refuses to use it.

⚒️ smol-smithy Follow

Hey wait no let him come back, he's the only smart person I've ever heard

-Green (?)

⚒️ smol-smithy Follow

I am going to kill you.

#we have all agreed to not utilize this blog until the poll is complete #so shut up green

10 notes

[traffic-light-eyes]

Ninja as influencers

My previous post got me thinking, and now I have to write this down.

Kai:

He for sure has Twitter/Chirp and uses it regularly. Very popular. He also has the ninjago equivalent to Instagram and is also very popular there, too. I could imagine him having a yt channel and doing silly vlogs and the occasional game, but that's about it. The other ninja were a bit weirded out by the vlogs at first because they didn't really want to feed into the whole idolizing the ninja thing, but realized that they could show the world that they're just. People. Normal people who save the world sometimes but are normally just passed out on the couch. They all love being in his vlogs now. When he records something embarrassing, he makes absolutely certain that the person it's of is okay with it being posted. Like, he gives them weeks to think about it. He has a video of Zane singing let it go (due to Jay's programming skills), and he was ecstatic to be able to post it. He's also a tiktok star. He does the silly dances and lip-syncing.

Nya:

She has Chirp but doesn't use it for social media purposes? If that makes sense. Like, she mainly only scrolls through her friends' chirps and responds to those. She gets into the groove and made a really sweet and chill community once the people that were only there for the "inside scoop" of the water ninja's life left. Now there's just her friends and a bunch of nice people. She comments on and rechirps? a lot of fanart, though. She has an Instagram but only to comment on Kai's posts with a thumbs down. She has a tiktok. It's secret. She posts little edits about her artwork or mechanics. It's fairly popular. She sometimes uses the filters and makes videos using them but never posts them.

Cole:

Similar to Nya, he has a Chirp account but doesn't really use it much. He'll respond to fanart and fans, but he only really posts occasionally. His posts normally consist of song recommendations or riffs of his friends. He threads callouts when he feels especially petty. It's pretty chill. He probably has a secret second account for art. He doesn't want people to like his art just because he's the earth ninja, so he made a second account. He has a tumblr too. I don't make the rules. He tries to stay in the loop with everyone's thoughts and shuts down the gross people. He's pretty well-known on the site. He likes reblogging the ship content and misdirecting people because it's funny. Pixal found him drawing techno and he scrambled for an excuse but she silently put a finger to her lip, winked, and left. He was very confused. She was absolutely dying on the inside from laughter because she knew of his account but wanted to freak him out. He couldn't look her in the eye for a week because he thought she thought he shipped them or something. She purposefully spoke to him often. He kept trying to explain, but Pixal always had an excuse to leave or change the subject before he could say it.

Lloyd:

He has Chirp. He has tumblr. He has ao3. He's not allowed on Instagram. He has a yt channel where he exclusively talks about comics and games. On his Chirp, he is completely unhinged some times, and other times, he posts cute animals he finds on missions or on patrol. He found a stray cat once and named her mittens because a follower commented it. He has #mittensmonday, where he posts a picture of her. It's always trending on Monday. His tumblr is once again about games and stuff, but he has a semi-secret side blog for Ninja Shenanigans where it's theorized that it's him, but no one has proof and he doesnt give a direct answer. He has unknowingly reblogged and messaged Cole on multiple occasions because he doesn't know about the Secret account. Cole doesn't know what to do. His ao3 account is mostly to check up on what people are thinking. If he sees something unsavory, he immediately logs off because that's him. Avid tiktok enjoyer. He could make a video of just him staring at the screen, and it would go viral. He finds it hilarious. It's his goal to find the most obscure thing to post and for it to finally not get viral.

Zane:

He has Chirp, but he hasn't used it. Either that or he uses it so terribly incorrectly. I could be convinced that he has a cooking yt channel. He'd call it something nerdy or informational, but people kept chirping about it calling him cookingmama, and he doesn't get it? But due to Jay's persistence, he changed his @ to cookingmama.

Jay:

He has Chirp. He uses it to keep up with the world + just talk to fans. He has a gaming channel and a Twitch account. He streams at least once a week. He loves it! He has a pretty chill community, and he often asks his friends to play with him. He makes sure that the games he play with them are suited to them first. He doesn't ask. He just knows. He picks action-based games for Kai - maybe LoL or, like, Left 4 dead. He plays silly smart games with Nya, like Portal or Keep talking and nobody explodes (they are ridiculously good at this). He and Cole would play scary games. They exclusively play them at night; phasmaphobia has caused many of the ninja to awaken to a shriek. Comfy and typically non-violent games are his and Lloyd's go-to. They'll play Minecraft or stardew for HOURS before they realize the sun is coming up. He and Zane play semi-stressful cooking games, or Zane is just there for commentating. They'll be seen playing overcooked or cooking simulator (they always play that one with a challenge somehow). He makes silly follower goals, and he has unfortunately had to do many, many things because his followers keep rising.

Honorary Ninja, Pixal:

She has an account for every platform that the ninja have just to crowd control + to support them in their comments. She rarely, if ever, posts anything aside from commenting on her friends' posts. Hc that Borg owns every platform, so she uses that to weed out the weirdos by asking him to make the platform very buggy on their device specifically. It's only a matter of time before they delete the app, and she loves watching the downfall via their posts and complaints about the website. She knows of everyone's account, even the Secret ones. She never lets them know that she knows of them, even if they do something strange because of it (check Cole's). She loves messing with them. If someone posts something recently, she conveniently talks about it the same day and gives them whiplash because what are the chances that she said that today. She's the go-to gal if there are any tech issues on stream or during editing.

Here ya go! Hope you enjoy my brainrot <3

[cherrybeartoast]

my japanese kpop-stan mother gives kpop idols roles in her life (if she knew them) - SKZ, BTS, TXT and ENHYPEN

tagging @thevampywolf since she loves my mother and her iconic content (and my mum loves her too, they're like the same person at times welp)

my mum and dad are currently beefing about seungmin and jeongin bc both of them like to annoy each other so vote here on opinions and to hear the full story since it's fun

SKZ

chris - "my client." (for context, she's a psychologist, and she likes to assess kpop idols for fun)

minho - "he would have been my boyfriend, but i wouldn't marry him, because we're too similar, and we'd have too many cats and be a bit crazy."

changbin - "my workout buddy." (they're both gym rats)

hyunjin - "a popular boy in high school that i did a group assignment with."

jisung - "my best friend." (she thinks he's funny)

felix - "i probably would've had a crush on him when i was junior high school."

seungmin - "a guy i hated in high school." (mum's very minho coded, and so she'd probably beef with him the way minho does, so sorta affectionately)

jeongin - "my son in law." (she wants me to marry him, like she straight up told me she won't let me marry any other boy.)

TXT

yeonjun - "the nephew of a twin i didn't know i had." (she's getting a little too creative with these and this one made me snort)

soobin - "son in law."

beomgyu - "my best friend." (i'm actually scared of the chaos that would ensue)

taehyun - "school captain that i hated." (she actually loves taehyun and seungmin, but she thinks she wouldn't get on with them when she was young since she was very sassy and probably would clash personalities or get annoyed lmao)

huening kai - "my son." (he's her child in her opinion, and he reminds her of my little brother so she sees him as a son)

ENHYPEN

heeseung - "he would've been my boyfriend in high school." (duolingo has another person to battle here, although she says she wouldn't marry him or minho, because she's already married to my dad, which is cute lmao)

jay - "classmate in uni."

jake - "my neighbour's son who i didn't hang out with much." (i swear she's thought about these answers before sjgdhs)

sunghoon - "classmate."

sunoo - "my little brother." (this was cute, she has a very soft spot for him and i can see her protecting him and also fighting with him since they're both sassy)

jungwon - "a kid i made cry in primary school." (i'm literally WHEEZING)

niki - "my son." (he's a japanese boy, so of course he's close to her heart.)

BTS

jin - "the rich neighbour's son i hated." (the way she's beefing with so many idols i'm CRYING)

yoongi - "my friend in high school." (they'd get along well, i can see that)

namjoon - "a weird guy in my university class who liked making friends and tried to talk to me too much." (THE DETAIL HELP)

hoseok - "my best friend." (she once dreamt about him working in a theme park as one of those dress up characters lmao. him, gyu and hannie and her would be a chaotic and unstoppable team)

jimin - "my gay friend." (i asked her why she thought this, and she said he reminds her of me, and since i'm bi, she just decided that was the defining factor)

taehyung - "my brother." (she loves him, his music and his dog, he's her bias and i think he belongs in the 'has a soft spot for' category with jeongin, sunoo, huening kai, soobin and niki)

jungkook - "a kid who had a crush on me in junior high school." (i asked her if she liked him back, and she said even if she did, she would avoid him, since he'd be annoying. i think her reference for this was the seven music video and since then her view's been tainted)

my mother is such an icon for this welp, she was just like "you know let me give skz roles in my life," and then it turned into this

[byghostface]

//long rambling

There is a vent in the last part (about pro ship:/+ wired shipping + block list) it's naturally negative so reading at your own risk.

So in the new Batman and Robin issue #7 Nika's sister making an appearance, got me thinking of other possibilities for sibling characters to come back.

Mostly I’m thinking about Respawn since he is Joshua Williamson's own character. And He made Respawn appeared in the last issue of Robin(2021), he also brought back Mara in that run too (just some appearance in the later issue).

And now Joshua Williamson is writing Batman and Robin, so naturally he can bring some characters back in this run. He had said in an interview that he might have figured out a way(try) to bring back Maya.

Throwback to 2022 of this old wip/art I made, is about what I think the emo teens of Lazarus squad dynamic would look like.

I imagine Nika and Respaw are irritated/tolerate with each other but would stay for Damian because Nika is Damian's girlfriend and they want to stick together. Meanwhile, Damian likes to include his half-brother in some fun activities (Respawn is acting reluctant bc of his own issues but he actually likes to have friends and feel include).

I haven’t finished this art bc I was going to add more wips (with other characters like Rose and Hawke) to make it a post. I didn't finish this art back then bc I was afraid Talia fans would be mad at me for drawing Respawn.

Trust me, I hate that Talia gets associated with Deathstroke like this, but I think Respawn is a confused/mistreated teen character and Damian (bless his heart and soul) still wants to be his brother regarding the whole mess. I will explain/talk more about my thoughts on Respawn as a character and his situations once I finish these drawings and get ready to post them.

Writing/typing words is harder than drawing for me personally. Drawing is like channeling my energy into a picture and forming an atmosphere and hopefully people will understand what thoughts and feelings I was trying to convey. Writing is using more brain powers to choose the correct and cohesive words, so people would not misunderstand what I'm talking about. Especially when English is not my first language, and even so I normally don't talk(write) much in my mother tongue either…(I'm not a quick thinker, it took me a longer time to think things through, writing literally exhausted me physically and mentally more than drawing.)

It doesn't mean I don't enjoy writing, it's just not my first choice to convey thoughts… but considering I can't draw everything I have in my mind and it takes even longer time to finish any art, I just need to write down things first from now on. Tumblr is the only place I can think of that has this longer text feature blog post and I'm more familiar with this platform format. So I will still be here posting my fan content.

.

(↓Vent, if you want to avoid being block by me then read down below.)

I must say I will forever hate respawn x flatline as ship, cus I know who started this ship and their reasons behind it—Don’t let the new character develop naturally as the story goes, let’s put them in made-up weird situations first so I can prop up my own ship!😍 And get both of the new characters out of the way, since no one would defend them so I can fanon the hell out of them by making them look bad all around!🤞 (What if I stone you first hand🪨🪨💥)

And I will continue to dislike/against any shipping Damian's sibling to Nika. I simply don't like the unnecessary sibling conflict just for romance tropes! So go away boooo I hate you‼️ Not to mention the ignoring of different age range multi-ship hide behind poly… that's straight up proshipping I hate you even more!!👎

Also for people who said Nika should be crush on Damian's mother instead of him… I hate you twisted proshipper rotten smooth brain‼️‼️ She dating a boy her age and has mutual connections with him, why would she crush on her boyfriend's mother instead?? Just because Nika is a big fan of Talia??? So you telling me young ppl can't idolize adults normally without being labeled as romantic nowadays huh??( Not saying you can't crush on adults, but why crush on your boyfriend's mom? ) Your weird ass mind is showing with this ass hc be fr. Again, why would you imagine that? You just wanted to push a fake narrative of Nika being wired so you could have an excuse to make Talia and Damian dislike her (which is not true), but in fact is YOU are the weird one projecting your twist thoughts/hate onto Nika‼️💥🪨🪨

I will start to block ppl who are shipping/liking respawn x flatline (+proshipper) and STILL interact with me, read the room!! My art is not for you weirdos‼️Go away BOOOO💥 🪨🪨🪨💥💥

Can't believe I need to type this all out cuz some of you weirdos will still do these things and think is okay to interact with me and my post/showing in my notifications BOOO👎🪨🪨💥🪳🪳🪳🩴🩴🩴

(sorry for venting about random weirdos/Nika haters again, and thanks for reading.)

[alexsgrimoire]

Plurality & Paganism: An Introspective

If any of you keep up with my main (@sinfulauthor), you may have noticed this post, along with my new pinned post. In short, I've come to the realization (after burying the thought of it for many years) that we are a Collective.

Now, how does this impact this blog and my craft?

To start off, this blog's content will remain the same. It will still primarily act as an e-grimoire with some additional posts, but the people posting what content will change. Specifically, these people:

-Alex (they/them), the host (hi!). I'll generally do most of the talking/posting. Works with The Signless/Sufferer and Dionysus. ANP that the IRL coven knows. (I'm not open with them about being a Collective just yet.)

-Vaati (he/him), who works with Demise and focuses on divination. Writes solely in cursive and gets VERY frustrated when grimoire notes are in standard print.

-Ghira (he/him), who works with Demise closer than Vaati for Obvious Reasons™️. (Though he generally doesn't do any actual spellwork, just offerings, worship, and altar setup.)

-Karkat (he/they) on occasion, solely because Signless HAS shown himself to him and is very much a Dad™️.

-Toko (she/her) has not yet "awakened." She was a former kin heavily associated with our craft. Taking bets on her being a spellcrafter/writer.

So, now that the roll call is done, onto some other stuff regarding plurality and paganism, the introspection the title mentions. (This will be below the cut as it's not as integral to the "functioning" of this blog.)

So, coming to the realization as a system was... interesting. We first became aware of dissociative disorders through Danganronpa (Yes, Toko's horrible representation. We know.) and related to Toko heavily. At the time, we were heavily involved in the Fictionkin community and had "memories" of those "timelines." However, this relatability on the DID aspect was soon hidden under the guise of "I like to write, and so does she! Also super traumatized like me lmao," and then we didn't think about it for five more years.

Come 2023, we've relapsed for the first time in four years and are going through some pretty traumatic stuff again. At an Esbat in September, an argument breaks out that causes us to dissociate and brings up those really painful feelings from childhood. Nothing felt real, and the rest of the night was foggy. (The people in the argument have since apologized. It was also an extremely stressful night due to our old High Priest being ousted for sexual misconduct not even 4 hours before we started.)

At this point, this whole debacle causes us to realize, "Hey, this isn't really a normal trauma response. There might be something else going on." We have a lot of friends who are systems, and we went to them asking, "Hey, do you like. think we're a system?" and FIVE OF THEM SNIFFED US OUT YEARS AGO AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELL US??? Like maybe that would have been useful information, idk (We still love our friends to bits, though)

So, fast forward to 2024. Still in the process of diagnosis but receiving trauma-focused therapy to process things. It's been a long process of figuring out how to live/function as someone with a dissociative disorder, but we're learning.

Thankfully, having a good support network has been a great help. We have an almanac (specifically The Practical Witch's 2024 Almanac by Friday Gladheart) to track our craft/spiritual work, and it's interesting to see the input of everyone in the collective. It's a lot of taking things day by day and seeing how things go, but we feel the energy around us changing.

Anyway, ramble over. If y'all read this to the end, thanks for sticking around. I've got some other posts we plan on making, so keep an eye out for those, too.

Signing off,

Alex of the Magic Collective

[runwayrunway]

Hello my fellow resident of the world! How did you get into planes, if you don't mind my asking? I've just started my interest in aviation (thank you Admiral Cloudberg) and would love to know how you went about learning what you know. (Also, converted all my friends to PSA lovers this afternoon. I am still a JetBlue stan for the airplane names.)

Joke answer 1: I generally board planes through the aerobridge just like everyone else.

Joke answer 2: When they give you your autism diagnosis they tell you to pick a vehicle.

Real answer: is going to be under a cut, for length (seriously, it's long) and for rambling (seriously, it's incoherent) and also for being my life story rather than blog content proper (seriously, I talk about my grandparents) and also for discussing morbid things like plane crashes, so be advised.

I'm not totally sure. I mean, I moved across an ocean as a young child, my grandfather was a microelectronics engineer who worked in aerospace, I've spent most of my life living directly nearby an airport, but I don't think any of that is it?

I think it's a combination of factors. A major one was my first flight in a propeller plane and realizing that I really enjoyed it. Also major was an interest in air disasters. I'm a huge enjoyer of the Admiral's work as well, I think she has among the best coverage of air disasters out there (definitely in terms of narrative content, at least) and I find her writing style in general very inspirational, but I didn't discover air disasters through any specific media. Rather, I actually was very struck by certain crashes in the news (particularly the 2011 Lokomotiv crash, which I heard a lot about because my family are Russian expats).

I was a morbid kid. I've just sort of always been like that. I'm a second-generation goth who lives across the street from a cemetery with immediate family members who've survived some pretty awful things and aren't shy about it, it might be weirder if I wasn't kind of curious about mass casualty events. Like, one of the earliest things I remember is the Columbia disaster. For a long time I thought I had a weirdly specific and irrational fear of tsunami, nightmares and all, and then I remembered that I lived in Japan until the tail end of 2004. Also, my grandfather thought war stories were appropriate for three-year-olds. So I heard 'awful plane crash' and went 'oh cool. Let's look up what happened'. And then my family got talked to because I didn't own a computer and thus had no choice but to frantically search "Air France 447 CVR" in my school computer lab.

And then I got older than my nebulous age at the time of "child" and became a far different type of person and learned about politics and human people and the like. Frankly, if I were more of an active member of general avgeek communities I would probably spend literally all of my time yelling at people because of my very strong feelings about the callous ways people discuss these crashes, the uselessness of the concept of "pilot error", and pop coverage and 'memeification' of air disasters (again, another reason I enjoy the Admiral's work is that she does not do this). Discussion of air disasters is frequently done by a type of person I will describe, bluntly, as smug racists too afraid to admit that human nature is fucking up and that means they might have crashed the plane too if they were put in that situation.

While I consumed the normal air crash media (Macarthur Job's books, Air Crash Investigations (very hit or miss depending on the episode), Mentour Pilot (recommend) and the like) I'm actually a history student with a focus in archival science, so I like to do these dramatic dives into researching specific things and a lot of the most formative media to me is individual documentaries and books about specific crashes that probably isn't worth listing out unless someone wants a source about something specific, and the same sort of thing about specific models of planes and airlines. My point is that I kind of started just getting wrapped up in it, and it's been an on-and-off fixation ever since.

Like I said, though, I'm a history student, so I wasn't going to limit myself to one area of aviation. Like I mentioned, air disasters are a focus of mine, as are, obviously, liveries and branding, but neither of those are enough on their own to understand aviation as a field, the way it evolved - all of these things, wake-up calls to industries, changes in regulation, the evolution of airline marketing and structure over time, shifts in technology, they're all part of the same broader story. So while I have things I know more about than other aspects, I like to understand at least a little about everything. I like pulling these threads out of the cloud of information I don't know until I've unravelled it as much as possible.

At this point I have a solid working understanding of the physics of flight (though I'm also very interested in astrophysics so I expect that played a part), the history of airlines, the way they developed in the US and in Europe and also in other places that didn't start out with the same infrastructure, the role they play in society and propaganda and the avenues they open. I have a lot of blind spots. I don't really know how engines work and I think it's unlikely I ever will. But I'm always learning and I like that about aviation. It's just a gigantic field. You never run out of reading material. And that's even despite the fact that I simply do not care for military aviation (unless it's really strange/niche things like the SR-71, but I just don't really care about how many missiles you can strap to the Boeing Foreignguyblaster 9000 or the like).

I also sort of have an advantage over most people in that Soviet aviation is an entirely separate and deeply interesting subject that often gets reduced to jokes or 'well isn't that weird' and I have a secret weapon for researching it called "my first language is Russian" and a second secret weapon called "I can ask my grandmother and she'll just tell me about how she remembers the Miracle on the Neva happening and walking past the plane before they got it out of the river because she lived right nearby".

I also just like planes. I think they're pretty. I think it's incredible that they're real machines that humans invented. I don't know anything about computers and I never will so this is sort of the main avenue I have to be awed by the scale of human engineering. We put a giant metal thing in the air and then we painted a smiley face on her nose.

I not only am not a pilot, but cannot be a pilot. I have a seizure disorder and also the potential to get very lightheaded very suddenly, so I cannot fly and that's fine. A lot of people hear this and try to argue with me about how I could get an exemption or find a loophole and I get the idea but it's very misguided. Some people shouldn't be pilots. Causing plane crashes is bad and the reason aviation is so safe is because it refuses to take risks. The thing about being disabled is that you aren't able to do things. And that's fine, I have no choice but to be fine with it. But it gives me a lot more incentive to research and to planespot and to discuss aviation with other people, and I think paradoxically I would probably not know or care as much about the history of airlines if I were spending all this time out there doing figure-eights in a Cessna Whatever.

And I just sort of don't have the capacity to like something a little. I either don't care or I've looked into it enough that I could run some sort of blog about it. Aviation is important to me even though I can't directly participate in it. And I wanted to write about it. And, to be honest, not only is this a niche that's not often covered, but the backstory to this blog is exactly what my intro post is. I was at the airport with a friend and we had this conversation:

Me: oh my gosh, look at that Lufthansa plane. It's basically white. Him: yeah Me: why are all airlines painting their planes such boring things nowadays. This sucks. They're bereft of both whimsy and character Him: yeah Me: I feel like I could complain about this for years Him: yeah Me: has anyone written a blog about this Him: probably not Me: would you like someone to?

Is it the most elegant genesis out there? No. And I'm sorry I don't have a more coherent explanation for how I got super into planes than "I have access to a large library and also an autism diagnosis", but I'm sort of an earnest person and I like thoroughly answering questions.

If you want general recommendations for informative civil aviation content I recommend the youtube channels Mentour Pilot and 74gear, which are both run by actual pilots, and also just digging around at any libraries near you and seeing what you can find. You might be surprised by the depth of the research people have done into very specific topics, and also because you can find some good overviews written by very passionate people. If you want specific recommendations about any defunct airlines or old planes or major historical events, shoot me a DM. Also, if you know any pilots, ask them, because pilots are the only people worse at shutting up about planes than me.

Sorry this got so long. Much like my inability to hold a tepid interest in a subject, I am very bad at answering questions in a way that's not perhaps too forthcoming and thorough. I hope at least some of this feels like a satisfactory answer to some of your questions, though. Thank you as always for reading my silly little blog about airplane outfits.

[monstrouslyobsessed]

still working on a thing and ima try and throw up another concept or hc later today tomorrow~now ima answer some asks < 3

tw: n'sfw subjects, kink talks, pregnancy(-related) mentions

What blogs and writers(ones that do dark romance stuff) do you recommend? —anonymous

i get this question a lot tbh, i should think about adding to faq, but uhhhhh, depends on what you're looking for. original or fandom? most of my mutuals, friends, and writers i liked/found write genshin, jojo, and other popular fandoms.

if original works only, i haven't found many, no, and tumblr ain't great with their rec feed (99% time they're fandom only).

@dear-yandere (she's not active, but i love her works sm) made a post you can look through! linky link

Favorite kinks to write in your opinion? —anonymous

uhm, i'm sure you can tell with most of my works lol but ig i can explain why i like a certain few. rest tho, i just like them lol

pregnancy / pregnancy sex / oviposition, im actually a touch tokophobic irl, but in writing, its not so much on for children (they're cute though) but because it's the near-total loss of control over one's body, if that makes sense. as its my thing to write the darling losing control to their possessive spouse, pregnancy is one of my go to.

monster dick(s), because we could use some variety in our d's lol human d's is good too though ofc

stomach bulge / cumflation, p similar to pregnancy in some ways, the darling loses the sense of losing their body to the other. (pseudo?) body destruction, really.

size differences, because i want to be picked up and be carried sometimes

yeah, most of the kinks i listed here had to do with the loss of control.

YES I CAN U BACK DEAR 💕💕💕💕 —anonymous

that was painful;; so glad to be back!! 💕

Yoo have you seen the movie called the descent? If you have, what do u think of the monsters!! —anonymous

uhmmmm, the name didn't ring a bell...google time!

oh waittttt, i vaguely remembered this one. this was based on dante's inferno, wasnt it? after checking the monsters, yes hi.

i prefer they'd bathe first though lol but i'd be down for them! pretty simplistic in design, reminded me of buffy the vampire slayer's vampires, actually! think buffy was one of the earliest monsters i can remember really liking as a wee lad.

So, have you read the Neonomicon? I saw it on one of your posts. I actually read the thing online and I immediately fell in love with the Deep One too despite the noncon. Is that weird? —anonymous

are you referring to the one i did where the darling had to watch the world burn in the palm of cthulhu?

thats the only one i can recall of ever doing, but on reading the neonomicon, no! you're talking about the comic series one? i don't generally read american comics because of how weird they organized their issues, but if its not long and good, then i'll be happy to check it out!

and nah, not weird at all imo. humans are drawn to things we simply don't understand, and as long as you are not harming yourself or anyone else, its fine to indulge. we all find appeals in certain things others don't and that's perfectly normal. most of the monsters i liked as a kid were actually violent and murderous so.....yeah. im literally one of the last people who should judge you , dear nonnie.

just know that youre far from being alone though! heck you'll find many n'sfw artworks and other contents of the deep ones and other monsters if you know where to look.

Dude I've been binging all your pyramid head works and I love them sm!! Would u be writing more for him in the future? —anonymous

mmmaybe? like i do have a couple of ideas, but nothing too concrete. one idea involved the reader being, well, the mother of monsters and the butcher would probably become more monstrous over time because of the silent hill related plot reasons. thing is, the reader wouldn't know there were changes at all, being too addicted to the butcher's to pay attention. I'm being very vague on this one because...idk how to communicate the story yet, if at all.

the other one might involve incest though, because of the monsters the reader birthed cooperating with the butcher, under the god's order. this one is just...a concept more than anything though because tentacles are fun.

otherwise, its just straight pron with the butcher. I'm glad you liked him tho! &lt;3

now to work on things...inbox is always open tho~!

[majaloveschris]

If yes, then who forced them to post? If they are so private, why do they need to post stuff about them being in his house?/

But why not? why not posting a photo of you being in a place ? Or maybe they ARE trolling? Thats not the point; what im saying is theres no media, no publicity; these trolling of them being at their houses isnt being marketed

Its only us who knows, not even ALL of the fandom, but a very specific niche, much less the GP unaware of everything; i dont see the PR in her family hanging out at his houses that only a niche part of the fandom can identify

And im sorrrrrry, i swear im not snapping at you or anyone here, i just cant wrap my head around some povs

Two reasons:

Attention. The general public doesn't really care about them. They are together, okay. They have a 16-year age gap, okay. Their relationship isn't something that has never happened before; maybe it was shocking for a month, and for 2 days after they drop something, but another day, another drama. I think she likes the fact that she is being talked about, just like Justin. Maybe it's only happening on a small part of Tumblr and Twitter, but people still talk about her. About whether she was the one who sent the screenshots of the story to blogs or accounts or who edited it, whether it's an old picture or a newer one, or whether she was at the party.

We are the ones who have been selling this "relationship" since the very beginning. We are the ones who were talking about this whole thing when the GP didn't even know who she was. During the time when they didn't even want to come forward as a "couple", but we still talked about them and there were even articles about them maybe being together, we helped sell the narrative. The GP doesn't care whether Alba and Chris were at Jamie's birthday party or whether Chris and Alba were having dinner with Scarlett, Josh, and Robert. We care about it because we do. And also because the fans are divided; some of them think it's real, and some of them think it's not, and each group is trying to find evidence of its own truth. Most people don't care about them being at parties or at each other's houses, but fans do, and it's needed to sell a relationship, to make it organic and natural, just like a normal relationship, especially in their case when it doesn't seem like they want to do pap walks and public appearances. There are a lot of people who, after watching a story like this, may not have started believing they are real, but it definitely crossed their minds, or they went on fully believing it is. Being at your place and spending time with your family are good options for selling a relationship.

It's not about them posting a picture of being somewhere, but the fact they are constantly using older content and pictures and videos that were taken in his house. Like Alba's and Justin's post for Joana's birthday party. They've been friends for years, and do we really think Alba didn't have another picture of her just like the one that was taken in Chris's hot tub? Or that Justin was forced to post the photo and video of Joana, which were taken in Chris's VT house? The pictures that Ana posted also look old. She was never alone when they created any content, so it's not that surprising that her circle was there too.

I get it. This whole thing can be really confusing sometimes. It's just my opinion, and I could be wrong too, so...😅

[opinated-user]

I said it was slightly problematic at worst, but that’s because it is. You’re completely neglecting to look at what Lily actually did. She made a few jokes at the expense of weebs, which is a mockery of anime fans, not Japanese people. She made a remark about how it was weird to call ramen noodles as such, since that’s really no different than calling something like rigatoni “rigotani” instead of just “noodles”. She supposedly read and liked a book with racist stuff in it, but that’s not something with any evidence to it. To say what she actually did was racist or even bad could only come from arriving at a conclusion before seeing what actually happened.

I said that “at worst” statement before any evidence of her fetishizing black women was brought in, and I’m writing this before any evidence was brought in because it doesn’t actually exist. However I am sorry that I didn’t clarify I wasn’t talking about her supposedly fetishizing black women in that statement, I should’ve clarified more. Unlike their other accusations, saying Lily’s fetishizing black women is an extreme and broad accusation and to take them at their word without any actual quotes or clips or any actual reason to believe Lily did anything wrong would be immoral. What they gave wasn’t evidence, it was a testimony that doesn’t come close to aligning with reality. If Lily actually was fetishizing black women I’d completely agree, but she isn’t.

I don’t dismiss the proof unless it’s completely incongruous with reality. Saying someone did a thing isn’t evidence, it’s a statement that should be followed by evidence. Also I already knew about most of what she was talking about, and those which I didn’t are things I looked for proof on and asked for actual proof on. Given that whenever I did ask for actual proof they said “find it yourself” (which you can’t because the proof isn’t real), I’d say it was justified for me to not always take them at their word.

Finally, I should add one extremely important addendum. In her video on internet stalking, she mentions she’s been involved in some horrible takes in the past and holds nothing against people who remain angry with her because of them. Speaking as a non binary person myself, I found it alienating when she said “non binary people are, by their very definition interesting, and you (Rebecca Sugar) managed to make that boring.” since it treated enby identities as this fascinating and alien thing rather than just a normal thing people can be. I’m not angry with her about that, but I certainly wouldn’t blame anyone who was angry at things she’s actually said and done. Lily’s said some bad things, I’m not denying that, but what happened here had nothing to do with anything Lily actually said. It had to do with people wanting her to be the bad guy and finding every excuse to paint her as such. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, and she deserves better than the rumors so many people propagate.

LO is a predator with multiple allegations of sexual misconduct that include, but it's not limited to:

-catfishing in order to coerce someone into sexual activity under false pretenses.

-getting nudes of a person without their informed consent.

-threatening to publish revenge porn.

-openly cheating an ex.

-pushing against the boundaries of her ex to do sexual art for her.

-taking advantage of a mentally ill disabled artist to make more sexual art of her.

-make a whole smear campaign about said artist when they came out about the situation.

-flashing on YouTube not one, not two, but three times. the first time wasn't even age restricted. the last time MO joined in.

-try to expose herself in front of a friend who didn't want that.

-seeking to invite a fan into her house to have sexual relations during a stream.

-not tagging lewd or NSFW content on her blog, where she knows minors follow her because they tell her, only after a lot of people asking her over and over to do so.

-sexualizing Ace characters specifically with non human creatures.

-sexualize shows meants for children with no warning, tagging or age restriction.

-expose her audience constantly to her incest fetish without warning.

-treating black women as "exotic zoo animals" and then dismiss it entirely in order to pain herself as the victim of the black people who expressed those feelings.

i'm sure there's more but this is what i thought off the top of my head.

if this was just one person i'be skeptical. but not when two of them have been presenting screenshots of what they went through with LO for years now, having zero previous relationship between each other, and the other LO is desperate to smear with a new awful claim that contradicts everything she said before, wishing death upon her in public.

i can't on good conscience chalked it up to a coincidence. not after seeing myself the way LO constantly crosses boundaries, abuses her audience and dismisses even the most valid complaint about her attitude with the ease of someone that is used to make excuses for themselves. you might feel comfortable dismissing entirely such claims without bothering to do proper research. i'm not.

if you came to know about LO and think the only reason we have these blogs is because of her bad takes and that you're going to help her defending her ignorant remarks, you'll be severely dissapointed and she won't appreciate whatever is that you're attempting here.

[howdon-aldi-death-queue]

Please can you tell you friend @theborders that it’s too late to delete posts and act like nothing happened. Alexa has seen them and is upset. I think she should apologise. I didn’t realise telling her would be so bad considering they were posted on a public website. How can you post stuff about someone on a public blog and expect them not to see? Also she probably told Sam about how she loved country just to be close to him

Okay, this is a late reply considering this was sent to me the other day, but I wasn't sure whether replying or not since I thought this would've simmered down. Well, I was wrong.

Things that drive me insane: a bullet point

• Faceless users on the internet exhorting strangers online to do something.

Going 28 and I usually don't take any advice from people who aren't in my personal bubble, but I'll make an exception today. So, I oblige. @theborders this anon is dying to let you know what they think 👉🏻🥺👈🏻

• Faceless users (omg! once again) not paying attention to the content of the different blogs they dive into.

I don't know if you're new here, but I have said many times that I'm not interested in it, therefore I have never posted any gossip, it's my policy. I don't give a flying sock about it. I don't know why you sent this to me, you would've spared this wordy rant from my behalf. We were talking about gossip, weren't we? Well I don't like it, but other people do and it's fine because it's life. Everyone's different, you know. A blog is like a house; every house has its own rules, same goes with blogs. Everyone's free to talk about whatever they please on their blog and I am nobody to tell people to apologise for things they've said about certain matters (I don't have an opinion about as I don't care about the matter per se). It's not my purpose on Tumblr. I am nobody's mother lmao

• People venting about something they've done and I have nothing to do with. Sorry, but you did tell Alexa and put theborders in a very bad mood and now you're gonna take the consequences that come with it. It's too late.

(For the record, I have just got the gist of what happened with Alexa considering I don't give a shit about gossip - yeah, I think it's good pointing it out every now and then to make it seep in order to avoid the wordy rant mentioned earlier. You say she's upset and I get it, but I mean she's a public figure and people on the internet talk about public figures, that's nothing new. Same thing for what you've said on chatting about what she did on a public blog. There's no difference. So... 🤷🏻‍♀️)

• People thinking they're the good ones for the purpose of """helping""" their peers, but they drag others down instead.

Can you imagine giving away to thousands of bystanders private information, like the place where someone lives just because you don't like what a person has said/done?! Mad stuff that. You doxxed her. I don't believe you realise what you've done. It gives unhinged vibes. You are eligible for a charge. Plus, you cyberbullied and harassed her by leaking her personal info online. I think the penalty for the guilt commited isn't quite right. There's a significant imbalance. We're only human after all, making mistakes is within our fallible nature. Your actions reek of arrogance. You can make mistakes as well, and sure enough you did so I am having words with you. No one is infallible and you're not a judge to decide what to do with people you think they did wrong in your eyes. Believe it or not, she didn't say anything that lousy to give away her info online. Stop being obsessed with this whole thing. We're trying to forget about it but you seem to be relentlessly devoted to drama.

• People hiding behind anonymous asks and not having the courage to come off anon to have a normal interaction with the person everything started with. Do you think that sending anons to every Sam Fender blog related on Tumblr is a clever move? Think twice before you do something.

One more thing before I go, are you trying to plant the seed of gossip on my blog with "Also she probably told Sam about how she loved country just to be close to him"? Anyway, I don't know what you're referring to as I don't know every detail of what happened AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

[whitechocolatemochaasblog]

Hiii! I love this blog and I love Malorie!! 🥺🥺 Can I ask a question? Why does Malorie like Kanato so much? How did she fell in love with him and not with Laito or Kou instead, since these boys have the same energy as her? 🤔 I'm into Kanato x Malorie but I'd like to know the whole story 🥺🥺🥺✨✨👉👈

First off all, thank you!! i really appreciate that you liked my blog, and my oc since im not so active and dont have that much content on my blog <3 💞

So lets get to the point, here is the thing about Malorie and Kanato's relationship, this may propably sound like the most cliche thing ever but Malorie saw something in Kanato that nobody has seen before. Maybe its because she observes those around her really well, or because he chosed to let her see that side of him for some reason. But whatever you call, she just knows that the all; "tantrums" and the "agressive facade" he puts on, isnt real. its just something that he does, to protect himself from getting hurt again. he doesn't want to let people in because he is scared that people will take advantage of him if he is in a vulnerable state. So he gets angry at people when try to soothe him/ baby him with words like; "i know you are really sad its ok" etc. Because like i said, he doesnt like to be seen in a vulnerable state so he hides his true emotions through those facades. But Malorie sees that, and instead of going near him and trying comfort him openly, she just tries to make him feel comfortable and calm without him noticing. Because if he notices that, he will propably lock himself up in his shell again. So she tries to make him understand that its ok to be vulnerable without him noticing. For example when he is sad, instead of saying things like; " why are you sad? omg🥺" She says; "Hey Kanato!! wanna go to that cute cafe we saw yesterday and have some chit chat?" And pretends like everything is normal, and that she doesnt know he is sad. So that kinda makes a comfortable state for him to talk about his real feelings without him realizing because she doesn't push him, and she is patient with him (im not talking about disrespect or fights. im talking about she is patient with him so that he can open up to her without feeling rushed and thats also one of the reasons why he is comfortable when he is near her.)

So yeah the main reason is she saw another side of him thats sweet, calm, caring and also very mature unlike his usual "fake" self. Thats what made her fall for him. And she didn't even tought Laito or Kou as more than friends because in her mind, she already has Kanato🥹

[fixingmysociallife]

Letting go of emotional pain

G'Day Depressos,

back again and with a serious burner this time. I know I tend to ramble quite a lot anyway and this time, my story is a long one. The life lesson at the end is worth it tho, promise.

Last April was my last day of highschool and I was in bliss for about three weeks. Being out of hell finally gave me time to sleep, de-stress, plan a few nice projects and just calm myself down. However, I didn't realise what kind of risks this time in my life would bring. Today I know that I am hugely dependent on clear routines, tasks to work on and emotional support by my friends. Last year, all that stuff wasn't quite clear yet.

So naturally, my mental health slowly began to decline without me figuring out why. I became an unmotivated insomniac with rising anxiety levels and when I tried to lean into my support system...it collapsed right under my sorry ass. In this story I will especially focus on one particular friend. She and I got very close in 11th grade and from that point on, I had given her everything she could ever needed. I gave motivational speeches, hugs, carried emergency chocolate, ordered a pizza into school and went for late visits to watch a comfort movie together. She was not really stable and I was, so I didn't mind pouring some love into her, knowing that she would return it if needed.

Well.

I called her multiple times, crying and hyperventilating (surely over some bullshit that triggered my anxiety, but still) and got immediatly cut off because she was busy, usually with her boyfriend. She also never texted me afterwards or even replied in unter two days and I did not see her alone for two months. To me, it sounded like now that I required some attention and support from her, I was no longer useful or worthy of interaction. So I stopped contacting her.

My overall condition was getting worse and worse and I desperately tried to gain new friendships fast, going out with someone every other night to hang. Didn't help. By the start of summer, I was deep in a depressive phase, a new experience for me. This caused me to be all over the place, miss my friends' birthday and frankly not having energy left to deal with just myself, rather than other people.

And I didn't choose to communicate any of it to her, continued to be a bad friend without given reason and was mad about it. A few times we had a little contact, minor discomforts or arguments, but nothing serious from my perspective. I invited her to my 18th Birthday, she ghosted me for five days and then rspv'd no. Suddenly, it was the end of September. She was scheduled to leave for an exchange in middle of the month. Without a word, she was gone. And I had no idea why.

Damn, I was mad and hurt. I decided to let myself grieve, bring distance between me and the situation and get my life back together first. Maybe that was wrong, maybe that was my last chance to have a talk. Idk. Anyway, college started, I slowly got back on track and am happy and healthy now (more or less, see the entire content of my tumblr blog). She got back, I waited two weeks and then asked to meet up and talk, telling her that I didn't really know why we drifted apart. She declined with the reason that she clearly communicated her feelings and that a talk most likely wouldn't change anything.

???

Of course, I was a little perplex. It didn't sound like her to not let someone speak for themselves and completely disregard the changes a person normally goes trough in half a year and more. It was rude. It was unfair. It was wrong. But you know what? It wasn't my decision to make. Also, I had wanted an open discussion about both our faults, reasons and circumstances. Whilst she had washed herself clear of all guilt in her reply text, basically informing me that the conversation that I imagined couldn't have happened anyway. I was in a bad mood for an evening, laid off homework to watch Newsies (1992) and Legally Blonde, cried a little and got to sleep. And the next morning, I was over it.

Because I realized that, when someone doesn't want closure or help, investing energy simply isn't worth it. The memories of my friend and I together are bittersweet now, but it couldn't have that back anyway. She changed in a way that I dislike and I probably did too.

Recycling is great, but sometimes, broken things cannot be repaired and that's okay.

See you around with the next of my social adventures,

Byee!

Let's be real no one will read this monstrosity of a post.

Oh well

[holyshit]

Hi, so... If you excuse me, I would like an "am I the asshole" opinion about something and since I don't have anyone to talk about it, the cool tumblr account I follow seems to be a good option.

(You can ignore me ,and I totally understand if u don't wanna answer this, since is not related to any content on your blog.)

So here is a "quick" resume

I'm being best friend with this person for 5-6 years, and we were really close, just easy to be around each other and stuff...

But the thing is, in the last 3 years, if I'm not misunderstood my whole life, we've being getting a little bit more close than any type of friends. Thing that I only noticed very late bc we're both girls and I never had a best friend before, even though - i might mention - I'm on 20s and so is she.

But since I did notice that, I start to get feelings for her, imagining how good we could be as a couple since we're amazing as friends, and I was in my romance shows obsession time, so this might have helped.

I didn't tell her and obviously didn't do anything about it out of sheer self-preservation. What I did was start to be as she usually is with touching (I'm not this person im general, but she was like a exception) and hope for the best.

I think she noticed bc we get even more close without any real move, specially because I think we're both on the same page about don't mess up what we already had

I have to say before next paragraph, she knows me, I know her, we're both bi and loud about it, we have queer friends, this is not the case of closeting.

About a time ago, she started to take some steps back, but like without even pretending she wasn't, and I was ok w that bc she doesn't have to do nothing, no obligation of hugging me or keeping hanging out once a fortnight, but this really came out of nowhere.

I said she was acting weird so this make her noticed how abrupt was the change and back to normal a little. Not even a month after, she started dating this guy that also came out of nowhere, from her job and that according to her, already had a interest in her.

And now they are this cool couple that everyone says how good they look together, when she talks about him for me I can see she really likes him, and honestly I'm not gonna enter in the 'broken heart' topic because, yeah I was deep in love with her, but I cry about it with my therapist, I'm here for the things she can't say and apparently I have to figure it out by myself. So I acted normally, met the guy and stuff, he kind of got into the group and he is ok.

We don't hanging that much now because he takes priority - which, again, I understand. And also I got a promotion that makes me travel more than before. - But when we do happened to meet, she now acts a little bit like we used to do when both of us were on that bubble of illusion on a weird friendship that made me listen to Ed Sheeran, which is ridiculous because I swore I would never be this person. It makes me really sad how much I wanna be with her but I can't. She's always saying we should do the things we used to without be specific and seems to take a step back every time she noticed we are too close like she is in conflict or maybe I'm just crazy trying to see something for some hope

I got it, I lost my chance. But now we're getting on the end and I hope you have a answer for that bc I'm sad again resuming lots of years and feelings in some paragraphs

The problem is: she's having a birthday party that she's planning for ages since she consider 25 very important. And the guy was planing some romantic shit for her and asked for my help. I did help to prepare everything because I really have nothing against him and it's not his fault I'm dreaming about his girl or whatever, but I know exactly what he's gona do and I can not, I really can't

So I said to her I couldn't go to her birthday because I have a very important travel on work. I thought was a easy way because she knows how much I love this job. She asked me if I could have a talk with my boss, and make someone else to take my place, and I said I will try to reallocate things until the last minute. But I'm actually planing say on the last minute it wasn't possible and maybe get some ice cream on the day, since my fucked life sounds like it's being written by a 13yo

So, I'm a big asshole for lie to her not going to the birthday party to see her boyfriend proposal?

I really think I'm just trying not get more hurt but the days are passing and she's always asking me for updates about me going to the party and I'm feeling bad now. Idk

I don't wanna be the person who's in the corner with that kind of face or even drunk because I am, or used to be, her best friend, and we never fight or something, I should be happy for her on this day. But I also don't wanna be the person who skip this moment when and if I get over this feeling some day and regret for not be present on the birthday she's excited for since we've meet.

I'm just very stressed now and would help another point of view bc all my other friends would never believe I was talking about someone different and also I would mess the surprise that I think only me and the guy know about. So I hope this is not something super weird to sent, I'm really really sorry if is.

hi love! finally have a chance to write a proper response!

i'm sorry you're going through this, first of all :/. i feel like there are so often these kinds of "missed connection" type relationships for gay people either due to being in the closet/in denial about your sexuality (not in your case, just in general) and either not fully realizing your feelings for a friend or being too scared to act on them, and/or from these kinds of friendships that seem to be a little bit more than friends but there's still always the uncertainty of whether the other person just views it as a friendship and the fear of fucking up the friendship if you make an advance and they actually weren't into you... it's not as cut and dry than it often is with dudes where the flirting can be more obvious. i've definitely had multiple painful friendships in my teens where i was clearly in love with them but never made a move due to my being in denial, and it's sad to think about how those relationships really could have worked out if i didn't have that fear. and falling for a best friend is sadly a pain a lot of us have felt ksdjnsk it's fucking ROUGH and i'm sorry you have to work through that right now :(

so in my perspective based on what you’ve said, it does sound like she might have pulled back initially because she had already met that guy at work and was possibly in a talking phase with him and didn't want to be disrespectful, which implies that she did consider you guys' friendship to be veering into non-platonic territory and was happy with that until someone else came into the picture. although it’s painful to have missed a shot, it can also be comforting to know that she might have felt the same way and it wasn’t all in your mind, that there were feelings on both sides. and i can imagine her wanting to initiate it again and pulling back over and over might be from some kind of lack of closure in your friendship on that level... which is another aspect to these kind of more-than-friends-but-friends kind of relationships- there’s not often a big blow-up breakup of any sort, so you’re left with this feeling of what could have been that can stick in your brain for a long time. and it sucks because you can’t reasonably get the normal closure because it’s hard to really talk about when nothing officially happened, especially if the person is now in a relationship since you don’t want to throw a wrench in their relationship either.

i have mixed feelings about how you should handle the party situation... i do think going to the party, although painful, could help in getting closer to closure for you. you can’t pin all your hopes on them breaking up at some point and getting that chance to pursue something with her, as then you’ll be in misery for much longer than you deserve while playing a waiting game that might not result in anything, so i do think it’s important to your overall healing that you reach some form of closure, and seeing something like that could be a painful but needed step forward to make it seem more “real” in your mind to help you move on. but at the same time, if you think you’re not going to be able conceal your feelings about it and you think it might start a fight, it might not be worth it. in your situation i probably would be very tempted to skip it, especially because i wouldn’t want to put a cloud over a day i know is very important to her, although that could be the case whether you decide to go and end up getting upset, or if you don’t go, so it seems like a double-edged sword either way. i do think, in the longterm, the decision to go to the party would probably be better overall for the reasons i already said and because like you said, you might regret it in the future. but, if you do decide to skip the party because you don’t think you’ll be able to handle it (and i would totallyyyy understand if you did), i would suggest planning something special for you and her to do on a different day around the same time, as that is a good way to show that you care and that you recognize how important her 25th is to her.

sending you a massive hug!!! your pain will ease with time, i am sure of it, but i can’t imagine how awful you’re feeling right now and i sympathize with you greatly :(. i’ve been there, and it’s so so rough.