#Now OSDD maybe. And that I might look into a diagnosis for.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw sexual abuse, psychiatry, panic attacks, emotional abuse, dissociation, suicide, oh I really hope I didn't miss one...

Hey, unsure what I expect from this...

Without much context, for some reasons outside my control and not justified by my mental illness, I had to go to psychiatry in 2019, again. Which was hard because I had a (justified) stay in 2014 (but another hospital) and I still have flashbacks. I had to pretend I needed to be in there, I talked to a doctor from there and... you know when you talk and say something out loud and notice "Wow, that's true and I never really realized that before?".

In my case, I had severe panic attacks because I was living with my abusive mom. And I told that doc that I "felt unsafe. I felt as if, if I go on like this, I will lose control over my body. My instincts (or body, whatever is in charge of the pure survival) will kill me for the sake of my safety."

In my mind it would look like that: me, so hard dissociating that I wouldn't even realize what happens or not gain back control over my body in time or maybe my mind been blackout.

And... This phrase has stuck with me. Because it frightens me, to lose the control about my life (and death).

What is this? Have you ever heard from this, ever felt this?

I am diagnosed with cptsd but because of that time (but also other symptoms and actually for many years by now) I considered if I could be a dissociative system but... It is hard to understand. My past isn't exactly an open book to me so it is hard to say for sure if my experiences... would fit for what I know about DID.

I remember emotional abuse since I can remember and have some weird habits and reactions that seem to be of a sexual trauma. For example, I can't sleep if my legs aren't shut, if I am sitting cross-legged I have to have a pillow between my legs, I also can't sit with open legs when I watch TV and there's some "bad guy". Whenever he looks fairly into the camera, I panicky shut my legs. And ofc, I can't have sex, there's a kind of mental blockade. But much of this could also come from growing up as a woman in a society that's combines sex and guilt.

In the context of what I remember from my childhood I don't know where sexual abuse should've been. There was not time, no place, no person that's seems suspicious to me.

But I am getting lost here.

Can you explain that weird feeling I had back then? Or it is not that uncommon? What are your thoughts about all of this?

That doc didn't say much about it though. He didn't seem to care what I said tbh.

I am sorry, for me that's a really hard text to read and I hope you don't feel the same and don't feel bothered. Have a nice, whatever time it is where you are.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through and are experiencing.

Please just know that ultimately you should consult a professional if you're looking for a diagnosis of any kind, as we are simply volunteers with no inherent expertise or certification. So while I can explain how these symptoms may or may not align with certain disorders, be reminded that we are incapable of diagnosis.

So something that might be helpful to reference is the structural dissociation model. I explain it in detail here, but in essence there are three tiers of dissociation, primary, secondary, and tertiary. Primary is for something like PTSD, trauma from an isolated incident. In secondary, you have CPTSD, and in tertiary is where disorders like OSDD and DID reside.

I will say that blacking out and losing control of your body is a staple of dissociative disorders (alongside having CPTSD), but it's also worth noting that this can happen for other reasons as well.

I think there's this common impression that in order to have a dissociative disorder such as OSDD or DID, you need to have endured CSA. While that's definitely the case for many systems, that's not a requirement. Trauma responses are not dependent on the nature of the traumatic event, only how you psychologically responded and coped.

It's possible you could be repressing some kind of sexual trauma, but it's also possible that CSA didn't occur. That being said, there are a couple of red flags you identified that could imply some kind of sexual abuse, such as feeling the need to keep your legs closed and difficulty having sex. However, those can be arguably explained by other things as well, like how you said, the societal attitudes towards women and suppressing their sexuality. Something else you could consider is the fact that you say your mom is abusive, yet you say you can't think of anyone you suspect. Ultimately I think it could be useful to consider all possibilities, while simultaneously not trying to dig for anything that's currently being repressed (because we repress things to psychologically protect ourselves, so prematurely recovering a repressed memory can damage our mental health).

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[system-society]

Hi! We've known about being a system for about six months now, and probably been one much longer. We thought we formed from maybe our neurodivergence or simply a lot of stress, but recently after looking more at our past and realizing some things could be considered trauma, we're wondering if maybe we might have osdd-1b. It's hard to tell, though, because there aren't many detailed resources on it specifically---all the ones we can find just cover it in a few sentences---and when we're so used to thinking everything is just normal, it's hard to tell what might've majorly affected us. We were wondering if maybe you had some tips or information to help us figure it out?

Thanks!

Hi!

So first off, I would suggest saving the label of osdd or anything until later. Trying to force that in before working through the trauma could cause you some stress. It’s just one of many labels you can use, after all.

The Rings System on youtube has a lot of informtiom on osdd-1b though. Ultimately, if you’re looking for solid scientific stuff, go to a professional for diagnosis. If you’re just looking for a label, then don’t sweat it if you don’t check every little box. If it helps you, use it. But as always, be careful while working with trauma, and don’t rush yourselves.

[systematic-advice]

I'm not a system, but I'm not sure how else to explain this weird experience from my childhood. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, but I would greatly appreciate it if you pointed me in the right direction so I could do my own research.

Back when I was 10-12ish I had this other voice in my head with a personality completely different from my own. He commented on things I was doing throughout the day and we had frequent back and forth conversation. It didn't feel like I was talking to myself, it felt like talking to someone else with a mind of their own. (He was kinda rude to me, honestly...)

Based on my research, this sounds A LOT like an alter. But I don't have alters anymore. One possible explanation is that I managed to reach final fusion before ever learning what OSDD-1/DID were, but that wouldn't explain why my memory still feels like it was put through a paper shredder, and then a bunch of tiny, very vivid 1-second clips (of the weirdest, most random moments) were picked out of the shavings. The rest is a black void. If I'd reached final fusion, I probably wouldn't still have that amnesia.

I know I'm not a system for a variety of reasons. Despite not remembering my childhood, there's nothing that could have logically happened in it that would have been traumatic enough to cause DID/OSDD-1. I don't have PTSD symptoms that I've noticed and I've never had a flashback. Even though I find myself talking to reoccurring characters in my head sometimes, it doesn't feel "real" like it did when I was 10-12ish; they're just daydreams, they respond to fake scenarios I make up instead of my real life. Now that I know what DID/OSDD-1 are, if I tried to make contact with a supposed "alter" I'd just make up a fully-developed character in a split second because I'm so good at creating characters/character dialogue after years of writing. I zone out a lot, but that's just ADHD. I never find evidence that I've actually DONE something during the time I was zoned out. And finally, it makes absolutely no sense that I'd somehow lose contact with my alters and inner world when I had such good communication with them before.

So, it's pretty clear-cut; I don't have OSDD-1 or DID, and I'm not a system.

But still... I'm not sure what else this voice could have been. Are there disorders similar to OSDD-1/DID which could explain what this was? It wasn't an auditory hallucination; I didn't hear it out loud, just in my head. My doctor thinks I might have BPD, but I looked up the symptoms and they didn't fit, so I've already ruled that out. Another therapist thought I had bipolar, but that didn't fit either (She also thought I might have psychosis but I haven't researched that yet)

Maybe I just had an overactive imagination, and all of my current symptoms are caused by a mix of ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder?

Hi there Anon! There's a lot to unpack here.

First let me say that going through this sort of questioning is very normal when you're learning about yourself. I'm glad you're taking the steps to learn about yourself. That said though, I do feel like you have a bit of bad information, so let me see if I can clear some things up. The first thing I'd like to touch on is the reasons you've given for knowing that you're not a System. While I'm not here to tell you that you are, I do need to point out a few things about those reasons.

If you don't remember your childhood, there is nothing to say that you don't have trauma. 'Bad enough' is completely relative to the person experiencing the trauma, so it doesn't have to be something people often describe as 'Big T' trauma. It's also not something you can rule out though. For instance, we didn't know where our System came from until about five years ago. We were just aware that it was here and that we must have experienced some bad things beyond what we remembered. We thought of our family as being a safe space for years before we remembered. I'm not saying for certain that you have a System or very bad trauma, I'm just saying that's a possibility.

We have said many times before that teenagers seem to experience Systemhood and Maladaptive Daydreaming (MADD) much more intensely that adults. This is based off of our own experiences as well as the experiences of our S/O who is also a System. There is also emerging research that suggests a strong tie between these two conditions, so that's something to keep in mind. I certainly think some of the things you're describing could be MADD.

And finally concerning your reasons, it does actually make sense to lose contact with your System. As I have come to understand it, being frontstuck to the point of limited communication can go on for a number of years. I'm given to understand this comes as a result of intense stress, but there can be other reasons. (Followers, I'd love corrections if I have bad information here!)

Now with that out of the way, there are a number of disorders that can cause things like Alters to form and if this singular voice is the only experience you've had with a fully formed Alter there is every possibility that what you were experiencing was some kind of delusion. People on the schizophrenia-spectrum can often experience intense hallucinations or delusions of voices or people around them. We were first diagnosed with Schizo-effective, which we now understand to be comorbid with our System. What I'm saying is they are often mistaken for each other, so it is absolutely a possibility that you're experiencing something else. If you truly believe you're not a System then it's worth noting that disorders on the schizophrenia-spectrum do not HAVE to come from trauma. Researchers are still learning what factors go into this sort of thing.

It's also possible that a lot of the zoning out you're dealing with comes from the ADHD, that's true. Anxiety can also shut people down, but these things are usually tracible. I'd suggest starting a journal both for your daily mood and your daily thoughts. This can help a LOT in figuring out of the zoning out relates to specific moods to tone changes, or if it's happening all the time. It will also help you better understand how you were feeling around those episodes. If it is the ADHD, speaking to a professional and trying ADHD Coping mechanisms is a good place to start.

It sounds like you have done a lot of soul searching on this one, but I do think it would be worth you diving a little farther into some DID literature as well as information on schizophrenia-spectrum disorders. Psychosis is typically described as a symptom, not a diagnosis. So I would look into that with that fact in mind.

I wish you all the best in trying to learn about yourself and what's going on Anon. I hope this is helpful to you and your journey. Thanks for dropping in.

[ID: A banner depicting the Greek letter psi, the symbol commonly associated with therapists, crossed out with a large red circle. The text reads “The Auncles are NOT Psychologists/ Psychiatrists/ Medical Professionals. Our posts are not diagnostic or medical advice!”]

[venom-system]

i very recently came to the conclusion that I may have DID and at least two more alters, out of wich i'm only "getting to know" one.

the problem is everyone's experience with DID here on tumblr seems to be the same, and it confuses me. not that their experiences aren't valid.

speaking hypotetically since I don't want to assume anything until I get a clear diagnosis, if I were to have DID i'd have at least two more alters. for now, ive only been semi-conscious about potentially switching at least once, and as I did, i realized it wasn't the first time. when it happened, I barely had control over myself and what I was doing, and when I snapped out of it my mood changed drastically. as I said, not the first time.

it's all extremely blurry right now, i can't actually interact in any way with this possible alter, and they don't seem to have a sense of self/identity, at least for now. i briefly refer to them as 2, and have associated some traits to them that I've been noticing. so when others talk about how their alters all have names and distinct personalities and feel like actual people, it makes me slightly lose hope that this might not be the right hypotetical diagnosis.

yet I have almost every other symptom of DID, the most prominent one being memory loss, and I do have to say I endured quite a lot of emotional trauma the past 18 years. not to mention that since my thinking is mostly visual, it's hard not to notice when it seems like theres another voice in my head.

so, i'd love to hear your opinion. do you think there may be a possibility i have DID? or am I just overthinking it too much?

Hey,

sorry that it took me so long to respond but I have to focus in 100% when messages are long, I don't want to miss any part of it.

I don't know if you heard about OSDD-1A

You have amnesia like in DID system but your alters are.. you.

They have their own memories, they have their own hobbies, age, style, gender but they represent one person.

For example you but 12 years old you.

Talking about alters- to diagnose DID or OSDD you need just one alter = you + someone.

When switch in DID system takes a place you can't remember what happend, because ''someone'' else takes control of your body.

In OSDD-1B system you can remember when it happend, it can be blurry sometimes but you don't have amnesia.

You don't have to be a system to have some kind of dissociative disorder. That's why you can feel like someone else or have a feeling that you can't control your body. Dissociation + personality disorder= ''idk if it's still me or maybe someone else''. As you probably know you can loss your time or have a problem with your memory because of dissociation as well.

Another thing is- don't take everything on tumblr serious.

The truth is- every system is different and people like to misinterpret everything.

Some systems can't talk with eatch other , some of them can but after therapy process.

Switch is not like a super power or something, it doesn't work like this.

Sometimes you can say when it is happening but usually, expectly when you are ''new'' system you won't even know about it. That's why sometimes people are diagnose with DID when they are 60+.

Switch in OSDD-1B (usually, no, you are not alone) doesn't look like- I was green and now im red- it's more like... I'm yellow (if it makes sense for you).

You don't really feel like you are someone else ''now'' because you will always be you. You can see a difference in your actions or you can wonder why you did something even if you can't imagine to do it right now but that's all. Zero magic, zero fireworks.

Your body is not like a robot (still writing about OSDD-1B system)= someone else takes control while you sit and watch. There is no wall you stand behind. It's more like you are in the balloon, you never know which way the wind will blow and what your reaction will be. Sometimes the balloon bursts and you are here again wondering why you even flew when you are afraid of it...

(sorry for so much metaphor, but it's hard to explain otherwise)

Plus you don't have to have names and backstories to be 100% valid system.

I think that most of the people on tumblr experience DID/OSDD the same way because rest of them just remain silent.

Alters comunicate in their own way- they don't have to talk to you. Sometimes they can show you something, sometimes it's just a thought in your head but you can feel it doesn't belong to you.

Sorry that it took me so long to respond- once again.

If you have any questions I'm here for you.

I hope it helped you.

Thank you for your question

- Karina

[sophieinwonderland]

May I ask; how can you have a disorder that forms from early childhood trauma when you dont have trauma yourself?/genq. It doesnt exactly makes sense.

We don't.

We have no dissociative disorders. DID has been ruled out due to a lack of amnesiac barriers. Technically speaking, we might qualify for an OSDD-1b diagnosis, except that clinical distress is part of the diagnostic criteria, and I'd like to think I've been a mostly positive influence.

(In surveys of the tulpa community, most tulpamancers report positive health benefits.)

I've been trying to find a source for OSDD-1b being linked to trauma, but it's difficult to locate sources on the subject since most of the research is aimed at DID. In theory, if the disorder was caused by trauma at the same rate as DID, it should have just as high of a PTSD comorbidy. But I can't find the evidence for this.

OSDD is just not as popular to study as DID. (Or maybe that's just Google being biased by giving me DID results whenever I look up information on OSDD.)

And non-disordered plurality is even less so, although there are active studies into it.

And that last point is incredibly important to keep in mind. Remember, science is constantly evolving. People act like it's a settled matter that plurality can't exist outside of DID/OSDD, but the truth is that non-disordered plurality was never even researched. Only this past decade have studies started being conducted, but those have been limited to surveys of the communities, with the upcoming Stanford Tulpa Study being the first to actually perform fMRI scans of non-disordered systems. (Those surveys have also been generally affirmative, if ultimately inconclusive on account of still being surveys. There have been no studies that I've been made aware of disproving the existence of non-disordered plurals, or even making a case against our existence.)

I already know that I exist and am at least 99% certain our system didn't stem from any childhood trauma. So now it's just a matter of waiting for the science to catch up. Which I'm very confident it will within the next few years.

[sysmedsaresexist]

(Thank you)

1. Can you be a system with absolutely no idea what caused you to split? Or to not be aware of your trama at all?

I’ve only very recently come to terms with the fact that I have trauma and haven’t done any work on it yet. I don’t have an event I can point to and go “this traumatized me.”

2. What does it feel like to have an alter front?

3. Are systems usually aware they’re a system before they’re diagnosed?

4. Do alters always know what they look like beforehand? Previously I thought alters knew everything about themselves but one of the answers I got mentioned hosts sometimes helping to figure out names.

I'm curious what kind of answers you've gotten to these so far that made you seek us out, of all people, lol

1. Can you be a system with absolutely no idea what caused you to split? Or to not be aware of your trama at all?

Absolutely, both of these scenarios are not only possible, but completely normal. We're going to switch these around and talk about them in the opposite order, starting with, "not aware of trauma at all". The purpose of a system is to hide trauma. When you're young and going through traumatic situations, and you dissociate, what usually happens is one of two things. Either the child mentally goes away (dissociates, imagining being in a different situation, ignoring what's happening to them in the moment), or they imagine actually being someone else ("this isn't happening to me, it's happening to someone else, I'm (fuck it, uh) Zoro, and I, Zoro, can handle this"). Both of these scenarios lay the groundwork for the creation of a system, and both cases lead to the loss of memory of traumatic events when a child experiences that extreme level of dissociation over prolonged periods.

What this means is, there is no one event that creates a system. It's event, after event, after event, until the child can no longer form a cohesive sense of self. They've become too reliant on dissociation as a coping mechanism, these dissociated parts have taken on a life of their own, and a child's identity has become so fractured and they're so confused that they can't tell who or what they are, and the memories of why are scattered between these parts.

It's not as easy as pointing to an event and saying, "That was it. That was what happened, that's what did this to me-- to us."

This sort of plays in to the next point of, "why did a specific alter split." And this can apply to childhood, later, hell, today, ten years ago, fifteen years from now. It's not always as easy as pointing to a specific event for each alter, either. Some alters take months and years after an event to come forward and make themselves known. This can make pinning down their "origin" almost impossible. What made them could have happened a long time ago. Sometimes it's not a specific event, but a combination of several events, just like in childhood. Are your parents always fighting? Maybe, by the tenth time they're blowing up at each other and you're curled up in your room trying to ignore it, a part finally splits to help you handle that stress. It wasn't specifically the tenth fight-- it was the combination of ALL of the fights.

2. What does it feel like to have an alter front?

This depends. I'm old. I've experienced a lot of different feelings when someone else fronts. When I was kid, it sometimes felt like I was asleep. No memories of it, just blissful darkness, no real time loss, things would go dark for what felt like ten minutes, and then I'd be back, several hours later, barely even realizing I had missed an entire day. I also had pretty bad maladaptive daydreaming, and sometimes I would go into my daydreams while another alter took over. I just thought this was normal. I was just REALLY good at multi-tasking, you know?

When I got older, and I learned more about what was happening, sometimes it would feel like a battle to the death-- two of us fighting desperately for front. Sometimes it honestly felt like a punch to the head-- a knock out when I lost, unpleasant darkness, fear, anxiety, what was I going to come back to? Other times, when I won, I was left with a massive headache and exhausted. Sometimes I welcomed the break, and over time, it became easier. It became like watching things happen through a foggy window. Sometimes I wanted to do something, and I couldn't, and sometimes I felt helpless and lost. As communication got better, I could see more clearly, I could ask for things to happen, I could occasionally... steal a moment, use a hand, set something straight on the counter that was bothering me.

When an alter fronts, it can feel like a lot of things, depending on the situation, depending on communication levels. There's no "one way" or "right way".

3. Are systems usually aware they’re a system before they’re diagnosed?

I would say, in the age of the internet, it's more likely than not that someone is aware they're potentially a system, than it is for them to be completely unaware at the time of diagnosis. Before the internet, before you could just google symptoms, a lot of people weren't aware prior to diagnosis. Even these days, it's not unheard of for someone to only find out around the time of diagnosis, because you don't always realize you're losing time, or have amnesia. Your alters aren't always so completely different that the people around you notice and point it out. The entire point of this disorder is for it to be unnoticeable. It really just depends on the person, their exposure to information about the disorders, and how bad their dissociation is. Some know, some don't. Some go seeking therapy for help with other issues and eventually it just comes out over time that you have something else going on. Sometimes you suspect, and you go to therapy specifically for it. It's different for everyone.

4. Do alters always know what they look like beforehand? Previously I thought alters knew everything about themselves but one of the answers I got mentioned hosts sometimes helping to figure out names.

Not at all. It's actually really common for alters to be... essentially blank slates in the beginning. Let's look at the example above, of the child dissociating out of a bad situation. If they're going away into their daydreams, the body is essentially left unattended. Any alter that forms in that moment could considered to be "blank" at the start. In the other scenario, you know who Zoro is, what they look like, what they like and dislike, what their history is. It doesn't even need to be a character you know of, maybe you, like me, had MaDD, and you'd become one of your characters, your OCs. I had one.

She was strong and had superpowers and was beautiful and confident-- and that was one of my first alters. I imagined being her often enough that I could eventually take the other route, disappear into my mind while she handled it herself (this was totally normal multi-tasking, apparently). She knew who and what she was right off the bat. What she looked like, her history, her personality. In the first scenario, that alter may or may not come up with that information on their own. They may remain blank until communication is good, and then they might start to grow, maybe you do help them find a name, maybe they find it years later on their own. Again, there's no "one way". It depends on the circumstances.

-

You sent a second ask with some more questions, and I think this leads into the next one.

Is it normal for an alter to feel more comfortable in the body than the original host?

Like, you look in a mirror and you think “yeah this is [alter name]” Not really as a negative or positive feeling, just a neutral and true one. Being trans (or mistaking the presence of a different gender alter [the alter in question] for it?) might also effect this.

This can happen, yes! In the case of my OC/alter, of course she looked like me. She was everything I wanted to be when I was a child. She can look in the mirror and say, yup, definitely me. This is what I've always looked like, and I'm perfection.

I have another alter that just... isn't bothered by appearance. He looks in the mirror and it's like, "yup, I guess so, cool -finger guns-"

There's a lot of reasons some alters might be more comfortable in the body than others, and they're all totally normal.

-

And finally. The last question:

What is a tupla?

This is, surprisingly, a very loaded question.

First, right off the bat, the use of the term tulpa is cultural appropriation. I don't claim to be an expert, but to put it simply. The actual practice of tulpamancy is nothing, NOTHING, like what it's being used for in system circles. Here's a really, REALLY good post on how it's been twisted from the original practice and westernized.

The more accepted terms in system circles are willogenic, parogenic, and thoughtforms. These are "headmates" that are intentionally created. They're imaginary friends brought to life through meditation and practice. Some systems claim to be DID/OSDD and say they've intentionally created some alters, making them "mixed origin" (it's more likely that someone has convinced themselves that it was intentional and their choice in an attempt to feel a sense of control over their situation). Some endogenic systems claim to have intentionally created their entire system (which, because on the levels of dissociation needed to create alters, I don't believe is possible without a traumatic origin).

I hope this all helps, I hope it all made sense, if you have more questions, let me know!

[justanothersyscourse]

As someone whose DID is a direct result of being a survivor of a bad cult from childhood, I think you are doing a lot of twisting to make the endo community fit that mold. Don't get me wrong, I hate endos just as much as the next guy, but I feel like you miss the point more than once trying to explain why the community is "cultlike" and it feels extremely disrespectful to me as someone who has actual trauma related to that.

Endos are (usually) an internet community and you even admit that they dont really have leaders. Their actions arent often centralized and there's no real pressure to devote more time to it if you don't want to. I have not interacted with them enough to really get a full idea of what goes on but nothing I've ever seen really proves what you say is as bad as you're trying to make it seem here.

This is an argument in bad faith and theres easily ways to debunk it, but I am going to make it because then you maybe understand my problem here: Someone anti science could make many of the same arguments about anti endos, because we hold research to a high standard, expect others to also understand the science behind DID and don't accept people who claim to be endogenic, expect people with these disorders to make this a part of their identity and associate with he community, spend money to guarantee a diagnosis... It's not a good argument. You don't need to debunk it because I already know that. But your arguments are not all solid either and I'm trying to demonstrate how dangerous and frustrating it is when something is called cultlike/cult when it really isn't.

I can see some of your points and understand why you could want to use that word, but I feel like the smarter choice would be to listen to actual victims instead of doubling down and trying to justify a word with some flimsy arguments that just further trivialize the experiences actual cult survivors go trough.

Also English isnt my first language and I'm sorry if I messed things up somehow.

I’m posting this because I’m not hiding it away. Your thoughts and feelings are completely and entirely valid, as are your arguments, and perhaps I am in the wrong, and if I am, I take full responsibility for that. 

I am curious if there’s a cultural difference regarding the connotation of the term “cult-like”, and your post does bring up good points about whether the DID/OSDD could also be considered as such. 

In Canada, money isn’t needed for a diagnosis, but you can donate to funding for research if you choose to. There are no such DID/OSDD groups looking for donations-- only endogenic communities. DID/OSDD systems are also too “gatekeep-y” to try to “recruit” the way endos do. As well, the DID/OSDD community is open to any kind of research that might prove or disprove the existence of endogenics, so long as it has scientific backing. We’re not hiding or relying entirely on anecdotes or self-IDs. 

In my opinion, there’s a lot of differences between the communities that would make one more volatile than the other. 

The only thing I want to say is that this isn’t a “competition”, I can absolutely appreciate the things you’ve been through as being terrible and horrible, and yes, worse than what the endogenic community is doing, but it doesn’t change my opinion. I’m a firm believer in “trauma is trauma and abuse is abuse”. You don’t need to have experienced more or worse for what happened to you to still be valid. 

Yes, what happened to you was horrible, and I hope no one goes through that, but just because someone is experiencing it on a smaller scale doesn’t make it any less horrible for them, either. Acknowledging cult-like tendencies in a group does not in any way diminish what cult survivors have gone through. In fact, it’s from experiences like yours that I can look at the group and say, “Hey, I’m seeing some very questionable behaviour here that I’d like to draw attention to before it gets worse.” Right now it’s cult-like, let’s do something before it gets worse. 

In the end, though, you have my sincere apologies for wording it in a way that offends cult survivors. It’s not my intention to diminish what cult-survivors have gone through, and if I have done that, I’m so sorry.

[mental-health-advice]

Submissions from 🦚🌺

So took me a while to scroll through to my last tagged ask (for some reason searching didn’t work). So much about staying consistent and actually tagging my stuff from now on. Gosh uff. The one where sibling found possible drugs and the one about mom being xenophobic almost causing shut down as in passing out were me too. I usually either tend to forget to tag or I guess am kinda scared since I feel I send in A LOT? I really don’t know. It’s just a lot going on and I feel bad always (1🦚🌺)

I feel bad always throwing all my stuff at my friends. Especially as one friend a few years ago was diagnosed with depression. Idk what her current situation is tho except that she seems to do better. I won’t ask her since I feel weird about that stuff. Plus really unless she wants to tell me it’s none if my business. But yeah that’s that I guess. Now… I’ve been rejected from the art college/highschool unfortunately so that’s out the window. My therapist suggests volunteer year 2🦚🌺

Whivh we have a social and economic one of I think? Idk. I know social won’t work because of my likelyhood of social anxiety which kinda self explanatory I guess. Economic I’m just scared I wont be able to pull the whole tear through, scared to do stuff wrong etc. Hell I spent 2 low sleep nights crying after the rejection and mom forced the answer out of me when I clearly didn’t want to talk about it. Turned into an argument about how I got forced into abitur/regular highschool 3🦚🌺

And OBVIOUSLY she blames dad for it. Which like… great whatever he told her. My point is HE was more supportive in front of ME than she was. She just tore me down 2 years ago. Next week I dont have a therapist appointment since she will be moving. So I’m praying this week will go by smoothly. Well as smooth as it can go with all the arguments around here I guess. I’m still trying to process everything since March 4🦚🌺

1? 2? I’ve lost track of time … weeks ago she and her bf fought very badly and she essentially ran away for an hour, he claimed he is leaving but then stayed. My younger sisters were all crying, my brothers were just not surprised and I had to try call family members (which calling others is a physical challenge for me) trying to find a way to deal with what happened. My therapist knows about this incident. She now also knows moms bf smokes weed but not about what 5🦚🌺

else we found. I’ll see if I can bring it up soonish since it still worries me… my brother also later confirmed again he caught them snorting it so yeah most likely we are right about it being cocaine. I feel uncomfortable looking up the effects of it but my cousin said that could explain a lot of moms behavior. Shes always been this way I think.I right now dont even remember where I was going with this ask chain hhhh frick.I’m loosing track of myself once again please send help 6🦚🌺

(Have to switch to browser because app again refuses to let me send stuff wtf) My mom also is back onto “oh you just have split personality!” … I have informed myself on DID and OSDD, I have symptoms yes. But I doubt it’s that. In fact my therapist even talks about that stuff with me! I have different parts but mom doesn’t know they exist so idk. I tried to literally tell her how DID is made and she didn’t want to listen. She claims she did almost everything right and I’m making up 7🦚🌺

My trauma. So you would think that she would stay away from assuming such a trauma heavy diagnosis. Welp she actually doesn’t know anything about mental health either way and legit took my brother off his adhd meds years ago because “they changed him too much” and then refused to take him to appointments when we noticed signs of tourette in him because she felt like she fucked up as parent?? Wat?? I can’t make sense of this woman anymore tbh 8🦚🌺

Sorry that this is all over the place, it’s 1am for me rn, I cant sleep really, still am trying to process I won’t see my friend who I was looking forward to seeing this year for 2-3 years and who would have been a temporary escape from this hellhole until at least another year or 2 depending on the situation, being in the top 10 corona countries and in fact second most infected state in germany and really just switching between sliding down to a kid and /or almost passing out 9(?)🦚🌺

almost passing out when trauma responses shut me down and I just can not describe my emotions of the past months other than I just want someone to hug me and to feel safe and to feel like this mess at home and the world isn’t happening. My mind is all over the place and I feel like at this point I’m going insane and I’m not making any sense anymore. Again sorry for the probably stupid rant/,vent that probably made no damn sense idek anymore - final🦚🌺

So much about what I sent in yesterday hoping for the best. 3 hours ago I woke up to a message chain about how we (me and my siblings. We are 6 in total) apparently abuse her and use her. And basically just complaining about the tiniest things regarding chores. For example yesterday I completely cleaned the kitchen and she complained because some dishes stood around since people still ate AFTER I did the chores. Like tf. My friends say it seemed like from the screenshots that she is 1🦚🌺

using us as tools? Idek anymore. She also completely ignored me sending her and asking her stuff about the valounteer year last night since the school rejected me and I need that alternative. Apparently a clean flat is more important than my literal future. On the other hand I for once had a normal conversation with my almost 15yo brother (I’m almost 19, however not mentally and also not in the position to move still especially with the virus and all) and it turned out that he shares 2🦚🌺

Moms views on therapy whivh I’ve mentioned in the past aren’t really the best views on it. So yeah that’s just great. He basically just thinks it’s stupid. Either way. Currently my only way of possibly getting away would be a psychiatric /mental hospital stay. THING IS while I’m bety aware it isnt like in the movies I am deadly afraid of the thought. Not having my freedom to come and go when I please, not being able to meet up with friends or something etc. I would not feel safe and 3🦚🌺

it would just expose me to a lot of stress and anxiety which wouldn’t be any better than being yelled at constantly at home and having mom shit talk my friends. Everything is just kinda a mess with her rn and my siblings don’t see it from my perspective. Like YES we mess up and don’t do things right. She has a reason to be mad. But NO she doesn’t have the tight to essentially abuse us and no her behavior isnt parenting this is manipulation. 4🦚🌺

They only see the first half and think she’s in the right… I myself struggle to differentiate right and wrong and am unable to read situations well, which is why it took me 17-18 years and my friends calling it out to realise this is wrong. But I at least listen… they don’t. I sometimes just wish I grew up in a stable functioning family. Or honestly that she never even had me since she was VERY young when she had me so that’s probably why she never learned how to 5(?)🦚🌺

Act properly towards us. As she had me when she was just my age (18) and then the following 8 years had 4 more of my 5 siblings. I feel she never had time to grow up and learn herself especially considering she was abused herself…. final🦚🌺

Hi 🦚🌺, 

It's good to hear from you again! There's absolutely nothing wrong with messaging us often, so feel free to tag all of your asks that you send in! I think that will actually make it easier on both of us, as you'll be able to find responses easier and I can look back on your previous asks easier to make sure I'm not missing anything or repeating myself :) Also, the search function on tumblr is quite picky, so unfortunately it can be hard to find posts. I've run into the same issue with locating old asks on the blog as well! 

It's understandable that you don't want to bug your friends with your problems, especially if they have some mental health struggles of their own. However, it might help to think of it this way: mental illness is so common that chances are most people you meet will have some sort of struggle with their mental health, which means you wouldn't be able to talk to anyone about your struggles if you don't want to bother someone who struggles with their mental health. That doesn't seem fair to you! While everyone needs to have boundaries, especially to protect their health, I think it's reasonable to share things with your friends when you're struggling. You deserve that support, especially with everything else you have going on in your life! 

It must have been devastating to not get into art school and I'm so sorry that happened! It does sound like volunteering could be a potential route for you to go down, even if it's just until you figure out what you want to do in the future. It makes sense that certain volunteer options can be rolled out based on the nature of the work and the things you struggle with. Perhaps there is something you could do from home that wouldn't trigger your anxiety. For instance, I volunteer for a text-based suicide hotline, which I do from home. I'm not saying you have to do something exactly like this, but it might spark an idea that you or your therapist maybe haven't thought of yet. It's just something to think about. 

What's going on with the drugs in your house is definitely concerning and I think it would be a good idea to bring that up with your therapist. It's really dangerous to have these kinds of drugs around with younger kids being there. Not only is it possible for kids to accidentally get into it and harm themselves, but it's also dangerous for them to be around adults that are high because of their erratic behaviors. This is why I think it would be wise to talk to your therapist about this to see what input she has. 

It's great that your therapist has talked to you about your diagnoses as well as what you don't have that your mom has tried to say you have. I'm sure it's frustrating to have your mom make those accusations, but I think it's good that you at least have your therapist there to reassure you that you don't in fact have those diagnoses. 

It's so disappointing that your friend won't be able to visit as you guys had planned because I know you were really looking forward to that! Unfortunately, coronavirus seems to ne ruining plans for most people all over the world. Hopefully you guys will be able to come up with another plan for meeting up, though it likely won't be able to happen until the pandemic is more under control. Still, at least making tentative plans for meeting in the future may give you both something to look forward to once travel is finally safe again. 

I'm so sorry that your mom treats you and your siblings this way. It does sound like she may use you guys as tools, as your friends put it. This is sometimes another sign of abuse/neglect, which honestly isn't surprising considering all of your mom's other behaviors.

What you mentioned about getting out of the house makes sense and I agree that an inpatient stay might not be the best way to go about it. Not only will that be more restrictive, as you mentioned, but most hospitals won't allow inpatient stays unless the person is incapable of keeping themselves or others safe while receiving outpatient care (though I obviously don't know whether this is the case for you). I still think it's a good idea to keep thinking about potential ways of getting out of your mom's house once you're ready for that. One option I'm wondering about is a group home (I think these may be called something else in other countries but it's basically a house where several adults with varying physical and/or mental illnesses live together and there are usually various types of staff who also stay there). These can sometimes be a bit restrictive, but much less so than a hospital would be. I believe they typically have a curfew, otherwise you're allowed to leave during the day. Although I'm not sure if this would be a viable option for you (and it probably wouldn't be anyway until after the pandemic is more controlled), it's just something that popped into my head when thinking about other ways of eventually getting you away from your mom's abuse.

What you said about your mom's parenting vs. manipulation is 100% accurate. It's very common for someone who was abused by parents to go on to abuse their own children unless they put in the effort to change, but know that you still don't deserve to be abused and manipulated. It's not your fault that your mom was abused and never unlearned the negative behaviors she saw experienced as a child. You and your siblings all deserve so much better than this! 

-Samantha 

[neuroglitch]

hey cat! while we're on the topic of osdd-1 would you maybe be able to help me figure out osdd-1a some through your research? like I know the general meaning of it but just like explaining it some more because I've recently found out its very likely I have osdd-1a and am a median system but I don't quite know how all that much abt it yet

So the first important thing to understand is that while OSDD-1 is a diagnosis, the “a” and “b” distinction does not feature in the DSM-5. That doesn’t really matter though, it’s just a further distinction for patients and clinicians to better understand what they’re dealing with.

OSDD-1 is defined in DSM-5 as “Chronic and recurrent syndromes of mixed dissociative symptoms: This category includes identity disturbance associated with less-than-marked discontinuities in sense of self and agency, or alterations of identity or episodes of possession in an individual who reports no dissociative amnesia.“ 

The a and b distinction refers to the last two “categories”. So a is “identity disturbance associated with less-than-marked discontinuities in sense of self and agency“ and b is “alterations of identity or episodes of possession in an individual who reports no dissociative amnesia“

I found this really good link which I feel explains it pretty well! I’m gonna try to summarize it for you in a way that might be a bit easier to digest, too!

So osdd-1a can be hard to distinguish from other typical trauma-reactitions like BPD and c-ptsd which can also lead to an unclear sense of self. But basically, in osdd-1a you might have what could be described as different “self-states” with different opinions, priorities and wants, but who aren’t as distinguishable as alters usually are in DID. It could be yourself at different ages, it could be your “work-self” and your “party-self”. When “you” are one of these selves, you feel completely aligned with that selves priorites etc., and might look back at your behavior as someone else and go “wtf that makes no sense??”

Of course all humans have “different selves in different contexts”, but the differences are more marked. The criteria are unclear on whether amnesia/memory loss is necessary, but it’s implied that there might be more or less amnesia between parts, and a sense of discontinuation in yourself. 

Especially because osdd-1a is contrasted with osdd-1b. 

1b, on the other hand, has more distinct alters (more likely to have different names, genders, sexualities etc), but in 1b there’s little to no amnesia, meaning that the person has a relatively coherent memory, but experienced through the eyes of different people.

Now, the way I understand the description of OSDD-1, it’s probably possible to have a mixture of these symptoms, and still be diagnosed, because I see “Chronic and recurrent syndromes of mixed dissociative symptoms“ as the main criteria for this disorder. I’m not an expert though, so don’t take my words on that one.

As opposed to OSDD-1, the term “median system” is a non-clinical community term afaik, I found this page where someone talks about their experiences with it.

The way they describe it, it could be similar to OSDD-1, in that it’s somewhere on the spectrum of multiplicity, without being full-blown alters. The image they use is “a hydra with several heads” - so the median system is essentially one entity, but with several “self-states” who often serve particular functions.

I’m sure some of my followers may have more knowledge about, of experience with, these matters, so I hope some of y’all will chime in!

Cat

[dear-trashpanda]

Slightly longer incoherent post instead of five separate shorter incoherent posts

So like I wanted to point out a couple things.

1, I was in an earlier post talking about how my parents used to tell me to pull it together when I was younger. And I realise that from that post without context it might seem like they have been emotionally abusive towards me or something. And I just wanted to point out that this is not at all the case.

Basically my dad is a poster boy for undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome, he was abused and neglected as a child and he has lost 3 out of his 4 children, and my mum is a half-orphan who grew up with no mum of her own and a dad who never got over having lost the love of his life and so he couldn't really be there for my mum when she needed him most. Looking at them through this lense, yes they are two incredibly damaged people with their own respective plethora of psychological issues, but they have honest to god tried their best to raise me in as loving and caring of an environment as possible. What caused most of the troubles is that I was a special needs child and they were most likely not equipped with the skills required to fulfill those needs. Basically, no matter how hard they tried, what they could offer in terms of caregiving was not aligned with my needs as a child. Probably, someone of a different temperament would have turned out perfectly fine, and it is an unlucky coincidence that in my case, this turned out to be severely traumatising. I do have some repressed memories, so I can't speak for this with a 100% certainty, but as I remember it, our trauma didn't come from direct abuse, but from a series of way more subtle, but nonetheless traumatising events, that involved being physically sickly, having been in painful accidents in early childhood that required long periods of hospitalisation and frequent isolation, having difficulties setting and understanding my own boundaries, social isolation, cultural context (e.g. no availability of child psychiatry, obtaining a diagnosis, mental hygiene professionals etc.), the misalignment of my and my parents' love language and like a ton of other shit that one by one seems like small crap but in total it managed to fuck me up for life.

2, I keep thinking about system roles. Like, the thing is, for the past 5 years I locked myself away from all information on OSDD/DID and on other systems' experiences, because I know how suggestible I am and I didn't want to accidently make things worse for myself by adding a layer of maladaptive daydreaming and pseudo-symptoms to my preexisting condition. But by now we're relatively stable as a system, so I thought, what the heck, let's see what the literature and the people of the internet say. And while I'm still trying to figure out the popular terminology and stuff, what I've learnt so far has provided me with enough context so I could start overthinking analysing my own situation and thinking about ourselves in a whole new, systemic approach. (See what I did there? What I DID there? Holy fuck Brain, go to sleep.)

So yeah, different roles. And like, what the fuck is even going on with our other alters because ACTUALLY while we're trying to pretend that it's a very small and neat system of two people, that's very much not true and in general, we're like a fucking mess. So I guess quick system rundown follows:

The Actives

Fox - Host/primary. Xe's what we call a fighter/survivor. Fox is the product of some extreme stress and xe represents the part of us that fought xyr way through all the life-or-death crap we've gone through and that's what xe thrives on. Xe has a hard time these days because life is lovely and stable and it's kinda giving xem a full identity crisis... So I guess in a way xe could be considered a protector?

Bunny - our very own little, and an absolute cinnamon bun. She is a soother, and while she never fronts alone, she's the only one of us who can co-con and she mostly comes out when I'm in distress and she just hugs me until the world is all better.

The Dormants (these guys don't have animal aliases so I'll just use their real names)

The Demon/The Bitch - she's a terrorist, or what people call a persecutor, if I understand it correctly. She used to be able to co-con and apparently had all of our memories, and her sole role was to torture and threaten us, sometimes actually breaking into front and making a very bad job of pretending to be one of us to confuse/manipulate our loved ones, but she couldn't resist making a mock version of us, so it wasn't super effective. She's been very active for a while, but mostly dormant for the past years. Maybe we just realised she was just a scared little girl and hugged her to death...

Emily - she used to be some weird form of a protector. Like, the kind that threatens you with the coconut she wields as a weapon because that was the first object she could grab and she shuffles into the bathroom to barricade herself in just so she can call it job done and go away again. She was kinda problematic and one-dimensional, and while she has been fully dormant for the past 3 or so years, I definitely "inherited" her jumpiness and way of getting startled by literally anything and everything, so I guess we kinda fused together accidentally or something...? Like, did I eat her? Ugh...

Dylan - she was a short-lived one, and mainly a reaction to a certain life situation, where we lived in deep poverty, starvation and extreme daily stress, so her singular goal was to have fun. We basically denied her a chance to front because... Well, because that was what seemed to be the right thing to do at that moment.

Alice(?) - I actually don't know anything about her, I'm not even sure she ever really existed, I just found some clues in a journal (that's where the name is from) and some stuff none of us claimed afterwards, so I suspect someone was there at a point but I'm absolutely unclear on any of the details.

The Confusing Shit

Brain - I was recently told that not everybody's brain is talking to them and that Brain might actually be some sort of system-related stuff, but basically it's just there to entertain me with horrifying, but kinda endearing and/or absolutely hilarious shit. And to torment me with anxiety voices but you know...

The Chorus - just a bunch of jumbled internal noise that keeps screaming static at me every time I'm too stressed.

The Hollow - it describes itself as a sort of autopilot, or rather, "whatever remains when you strip all personality from the body. It's a collection of physical functions and its goal is to keep us going when noone's fronting. It keeps us fed, hydrated, safe, and periodically puts the body to sleep so maybe one of us can re-enter front.

TP (myself) - so yeah, as far as roles go, I'm like... What, part protector-part persecutor-part trauma holder-part little-part host like wtf am I even?! I know that everybody has a blind spot for themselves, but like does any alter ever know what the fuck their function is supposed to be?! I'm just so fucking confused pls someone explain my system to me?!

3, about the excessive posting today. I dunno. I really just cannot stop, but I'm also more out of it than I have been any time in the past like ever, and occasionally I'm not even sure it's me or who am I so I'm deeply sorry for the verbal diarrhea. I guess I'm partly doing this because I'm sure I won't remember any of this later, like I keep "waking up" and it's been like 50 years and it's still the SAME MOTHERFUCKING DAY AND IT'S BEEN LIKE 5 SECONDS since the last post I've written the day before yesterday, so I guess it's also like my sense of time is absolutely fucked, but seriously I've just lived a lifetime of incoherent torment this day, like, did I just die and go to hell and this is what hell is? Seems plausible.

[nonmillennialstruggling]

Healing Comes in Stages

OK so I think I’m getting the hang of this tumblr thing.  It is much less confusing than before.  Now I need to just figure out follow so that I can see people’s posts and cute puppy pictures without being flooded by cute puppy pictures (mistake I’m currently making).  

Today I made good progress teaching myself the R programming language, which I need to write several papers since SAS is too expensive a program for me to use as a non-student.  R has always confused me because I’ve never had its fundamentals so feeling like I’m making progress and learning those fundamentals is exciting.  I also did  a little bit of planning for the day, the week and the month.  I feel relatively on top of all my projects.  I know I won’t finish everything I want to in February but at least I think I’ll get the bulk of it done. 

It occurs to me that maybe this is what healing looks like, at least for me anyway.  Moving ahead and forward, not feeling chained to hyperfocusing on OCD or OSDD things.  (Still focusing, just not hyperfocusing).  I wish more people could feel the freedom of moving ahead and forward even if they don’  t hyperfocus on their diagnoses like me.  Trauma keeps us captive in many ways. 

Content note:  Foster care system, hospitalization and diagnosis.  A member of my OSDD facebook group posted that she just got out of the hospital, was diagnosed with OSDD, and now is losing her foster children because of her hospitalization.  I take her at face value that she is a caring parent and mental illness does not in and of itself cause bad parenting, so things like this suck.  I posted asking how/if we could support her at all.  In the past things like this would have torn me up.  Now I’m able to just offer support and not be torn up.  I still hope she is able to fight to get the kids back, and will help out with any info searching that I might be able to do, but yeah not getting sucked in to strong emotions feels nice.  So yay, progress?

[systematic-advice]

tw,rant//

but i feel like i'm faking it most days, because i can never really communicate with alters i might/might not have. We have done our proper research, and looked at different sources before self-diagnose ourselves as a system. I can't see the headspace, but i've never really been able to see or imagine things in my head. i feel like i'm definitely not alone, like someone else is taking over the controls, but i still have access to them at the same time. A few of my friends know me as a system, but i'm scared to think that i might be faking it, or maybe that i am one, just maybe monoconscious or OSDD-1a/b? Memory has never been the best, and probably over thinking this way too much, but i don't want to realize a few years or months down the line, 'Ha! you were faking it to feel better about yourself, time to move on now!' just stressed over this in general :// sorry for the long vent-

Hi there Anon!

Let me start by saying that even if in a few months you realize you're not a System or you seek professional help and are diagnosed with something else- you were never 'faking'. To fake something it to make the conscious decision to pretend to have that thing. Misdiagnosis is not the same thing, even self-diagnosis. You're not faking because you believe that your experiences line up with those of a System. You're just trying to figure out your mental health and that's okay! It's also a covert disorder, so even knowing you have it for sure can be of little reassurance. You're not alone feeling this way, but I'm still sorry you have to go through it.

Don't be sorry, we are fine with long vents here. Vent any time, as long as you need! We're happy to listen. As stated before, I can't diagnosed you- but I can say those things you're feeling are things we've gone through. In our youth we went through a lot of feeling fake, because we felt like we were 'always collectively conscious'. But we've come to find out that was never true. We've always lost time and we've always had alters do things we didn't remember. We just didn't remember that time so we had no frame of reference for it even happening.

What you're dealing with could be OSDD, as often times OSDD Systems stay more conscious than DID Systems (As I understand it?) and that's certainly something to reflect on for yourself! Looking up the criteria for both and spending a few days really looking at what you mental health and feelings are doing can be very helpful to figuring our what's happening. I usually suggest journaling but if I do it'll be the third time today. I'm sure people are getting tired of it by now. Heh.

Also I'm not sure but I think monoconcious is more an Endo term than one used by the medical industry. I've only ever seen it used in those spaces and the concept makes very little sense to me. Even those who deal with what's commonly called OSDD 1a experience separation to a degree? As I understand it that's part of the criteria for the disorder in the first place. Followers PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong!

I hope this helps Anon! You're doing great out there just trying to sort this.

[silo2020]

hey hey hey!! it's leo, coming at ya live from silo2020 (: not sure how to introduce myself, but i do front often, so i hope you like me. i'll answer some questions, how about that? (questions from @/signalsystm)

First off, who's answering? Tell me a fun (or not fun) fact about yourself.

as said before, it's Leo! Fun fact... i think i'm not that bad at tetris! i still have no clue how to consistently do tspin setups though :thumbs up:

What do you prefer to be called (eg. alters, parts, etc.)? Does this opinion differ throughout your system?

im ok with being called most terms of that sort? i prefer alter or head mate though. Catherine likes to be called an alter, thoigh Rin and Oliver have absolutely no preference (Oliver is actually sorta here rn?? i think he's just tuckered out, poor guy)

What affects you the most on a normal day: depersonalisation, derealization, amnesia, or identity confusion?

oh definitely identity confusion, but depersonalization is second in line

Are you diagnosed/professionally recognised? How do you feel about it, whatever your answer?

we are not profesionales diagnosed, and we'd kinda prefer it stay that way. it feels weird in a way, ya know?? this is not supposed to be taken in any sort of a anti-diagnosis way, just not something we're interested in right now. we have other shit to deal with

Do you know anyone irl with DID/OSDD?

we do!! we've grown apart over the past 2 or so years, but i want to get back into contact.

Who in the system are you closest to (either communication wise or any other way)?

probably catherine! our headspace is a sort of hotel room situation, so i guess in a physical sense oliver is sleeping on the couch right by me, lol. ive kinda taken on the role of catherine's caretaker? i want to see her get happier, and i love seeing her smile (:

How often do you switch on a normal day? What triggers it, if anything?

anywhere from once to about 6 times. usually it's not full switched (some common examples are me being mainly on with rin being sorta there. just a guy being dude, or oliver and catherine). the triggers for me are not super clear, but i think it's something related to a need to protect something, and tetris (:

How do you feel about tools designed for systems/pwOSDDID like pluralkit or simplyplural?

i think they're fine! i don't like the pressure some put on systems to use them, but i think there's nothing inherently wrong with them. we want to start using plural kit but we can't get it to work for some reason

Do any alters have special hobbies or talents the others don't possess?

yup!!! Oliver is pretty good at rhythm games, leo is pretty good at taking criticism and he likes to make drinks and food, and catherine likes candy and cleaning =D

Do any alters have fundementally differing opinions/ideals about anything (eg. politics, religion)?

nah, we are mainly agree on that stuff. i think rin might be look into being pagan??

What's the first experience you had that was a sign you were a system/had DID/OSDD?

when our host (oliver) noticed that he couldn't remember big chunks of his own day, much less a few months ago. after that, i switched a few times, and he came to realize what was going on.

How has DID/OSDD affected your day today?

spent a lot of today scrolling through osdd tags, started a journal to track who's fronting and why, and tried finding systems to talk to 0=

What do you think of system tiktok?

none of us have tiktok! thought if we have to guess?? it's probably a pretty narrow view of the community, which isn't pog.

Very important: how do you about wearing socks in bed?

i hate it!! why???? unless they're aleeping socks, then maybe.

thanks for reading!! youre loved (:

[ghost-of-a-girl]

03.09.20

Its been awhile since I've been active on this blog except for the occasional reblog every now and then. This is my safe place to use as a mental health/illness related outlet. However, things have... Changed.

- For awhile I questioned my gender. I had always accepted I was a cis girl and later that I was bi (or pan, but I prefer bi).

At some point in September Eli made a joke abt me being a trans boy and that got us talking abt how he had noticed the things I had said over the years abt presenting and genitalia without much thought abt what it meant. I thought abt the time I had been mistaken for a guy and how good that felt.

He fully embraced me figuring this out and even bought me a rather expensive realistic packer and answered any questions I had abt presenting. I still wasn't sure how to label it. Bigender seemed to make the most sense as I did, at times, feel like a girl even tho during those months I totally felt like a boy. I also didnt want to try hormones (tho facial hair would've been cool) or surgery as my body seemed easy enough to disguise (except for my height, lol. 5' for the win) and I could get away with just a sports bra and loose shirt and I actually love my body now- especially after my hips and breasts have finally developed now that my body has been out of starvation mode for 2+ years. But...

- I've recently found out it hasn't been just me. There are two others, maybe three, that I know of, also sharing this body. I'm working on getting a diagnosis (my guess is a form of OSDD as I'm sure I'm usually co-con and have only mild childhood (there were a few years I had completely forgotten trauma but a couple years of flashbacks kindly reminded me 🙃) and recent amnesia) and I really wish I had done it sooner. Ive been curious abt it but always pushed it away as "attention seeking" and didnt try to reach out to who might be there.

Now that I have... I realize poor James has been my voice of reason at certain times and I've been extremely rude and ignored him bc I always assumed they were my own thoughts. We talk a lot now. I only get minor headaches from our communication and we Haven't tried bringing him any closer to the front like we've done with the little (she actually kinda just does that by herself now that she knows it ok... She drains me, esp when she throws a fit but tbh, its 100% worth it and I love her) and already I've been a lot happier and made huge improvements in my life that have been issues for years.

Based on his name and appearance (his first way of making himself known was getting me to sketch his hair before describing what the inner world looked like already and why I was stuck where I was) I think he's been around for quite some time but either he's not sure how long or our communication still needs improvement.

Because of this I'm wondering if those months when I felt very masculine were him bleeding through, trying to help me while I rapidly declined.

- Eli and I broke up the day after Valentine's day and I have no other friends to talk to and my family isn't exactly trusted with this sort of thing. Any of it.

The URL of this blog is a line from a poem I wrote in long term in 2015-2016. ("Coward in a pillbox, ghost of a girl") I feel like I should change it but I'm not sure what to change it to. I'm more confused abt my gender identity than ever now, esp with how I seem to be mostly co-con with James and I still want him to be comfortable when he's closer to the front for long periods of time. Idk. This is all super new.

I might make a separate post describing how I discovered them and my time processing and accepting that it was real (James is very good at patiently arguing my denial, which I appreciate 💖)

So ye. I guess thats an update. Sorry its so long.

[real-did]

hi i'm the person who asked if it was ok to follow! thank you for bein so nice - i'm very nervous talking about my system and i saw that i shouldnt talk about my system surfacing with my symptoms of bpd but i dont really know how to phrase it - is there any way i can explain this without self diagnosing did or osdd - and i've always been confused over the two so can you maybe provide some info for me? sorry if i've upset anyone i'm no good at articulating my thoughts ;;;;

Hey, you’re fine!

Let’s work through this together. As far as we know it, systems are connected to DID and OSDD only. This is to say, if you have experiences with alters, there might be something else going on! Either a misinterpretation of symptoms, or you actually have a different diagnosis. This is a bit long so I’m putting it under a cut. 

BPD is a personality disorder. By itself, it shouldn’t be responsible for splitting one’s identity. Sometimes BPD in combination with cPTSD- complex PTSD- can cause the creation of emotion-based fragments. These fragments can feel like alters (strong emotion that feels “unlike” you, you feel separate or distant from it, emotional amnesia might be present after splitting), but these fragments won’t have names or complex identities unless you make them up yourself. 

Let’s say you have a repeated trauma- let’s say someone bullies you and you feel intensely angry as a response. To prevent the core identity from feeling this, and from being upset by it, this anger can get sectioned off. When splitting, you might use this anger and feel separate from yourself- the anger might feel as though it’s taking over. This would be an emotion-based fragment. After splitting, you might not remember exactly how you felt or what happened. This still falls under the realm of BPD experiences. If you separate the anger from yourself- maybe name this fragment, develop it with kintypes or push complexity on it- then it can start to feel like an alter. This isn’t healthy to do though!

If you have a system built to cope with a PD or with post-childhood trauma, then this is a coping pseudosystem. This isn’t the same as DID- this is a maladaptive coping mechanism (maladaptive meaning not good for you). Separating parts of yourself off like this can help in the short term- it can be for coping purposes- but it’s not healthy to section yourself off like that. It causes more harm than good. 

Another common symptom of BPD is identity disturbance. People who experience identity disturbance might not feel like themselves in certain situations, they might have fluctuating traits, come across differently in different situations, might change things about themselves pretty frequently, etc. You can look up “identity disturbance” for more information!

There’s also the possibility that you actually have DID or OSDD, but believe that your system is due to BPD due to repressed trauma or misinformation. This is a possibility I’d only try to explore with a professional! Not everyone has access to professional help and I understand that, so just at some point in the future if you can. 

DID is a traumagenic (trauma-created) disorder where alters are split off from the core in order to take on the stress of repeated early childhood traumas. To be diagnosed with DID, one needs to have repeated early childhood trauma, dissociative amnesia between fronters at least some of the time, and developed alters (not just fragments). 

OSDD-1 is the other disorder that can create alters. It’s split into two types- OSDD-1a and OSDD-1b. OSDD-1a is “DID without highly distinct alters.” It presents differently for everyone, but generally alters blur together or lack parts of identity. OSDD-1b is “DID without significant dissociative amnesia,” and would present like a system that shares memories without blackouts or missing time. Both DID and OSDD are dissociative disorders, which means that dissociation is the primary symptom. 

So what I’m saying is, it’s pretty unlikely that you have a BPD system! BPD isn’t a disorder that creates alters- so you likely either have DID/OSDD, or you’ve misinterpreted your symptoms. That’s not a bad thing, it happens to almost everyone at some point. Misdiagnosis happens even with professionals!

All we can do at any given time is our best. If your best doesn’t include the possibility of seeking professional help right now, that’s okay! I’d prioritize trying to seek professional help in the future. If you need a non-DID pseudosystem to cope right now, the best way to do that would be to say on your system page something like-

“I have a system and am looking into the possibility of having DID or OSDD. Right now, I understand the system to be BPD based and am using it to cope. I’m labeling my experiences as a system while I’m in the process of seeking professional help and diagnosis, and I understand that BPD can’t create alters by itself.” 

If you also include a link to some information about DID/OSDD, then I don’t think people would be upset with you. “System” isn’t a great word to use due to how it’s tied to DID, but I think it’s the best term to use for right now to clarify what you mean. I’m not trying to shut your experiences down- rather I just want to make sure you can figure out what’s going on and move toward feeling better! 

Please let me know if you have any questions. I can also message you privately if you want, just send an ask off anon and I’ll message you from my main. Thank you so much for asking questions, I hope what I’ve said makes sense! And again I’m not trying to shut you down- just trying to give you some information and help you move toward feeling as healthy as possible. 

[epochryphal]

hey thank you for explaining some of the terminology history! i made that post when i was in a big flurry of frustration and only cited that one source, i didnt know about the word headmate's definitive origin. i think i saw that info at one point, so i personally dont use it. its true a lot of the history and terminology is messy, and im not necessarily against everyone who uses the term endogenic, but im highly critical of people without trauma who claim to be systems. there have just been (1)

a lot of bad experiences for both my system and the entire traumagenic community involving people who use the terms endogenic, tulpa, etc. if you have done legitimate and extensive research and questioning, and are really experiencing something that either appears to be/is plurality without trauma, then your experience is valid as long as youre being sensible, informed, and honest with yourself. the science/belief line is blurry, and the facts are limited right now, but we have to respect (2)

whats been proven and/or studied so far. that’s not to say there isn’t change in the future, but as of now multiplicity is strongly in the realm of psychiatry rather than spirituality, since its a proven disorder that impacts life for the system, often distressingly. anyways, thank you for your replies and have a good day (3)            

mm, thank you for being receptive!  (cf this post, for those reading along)

i think the same is honestly true in reverse – my non-traumagenic friends, and the endogenic and quoigenic community at large, have had a lot of bad experiences with traumagenic systems.  (mainly, a lot of “you’re appropriating an illness, you aren’t really multiple people, you’re wrong about your experience and are being hurtful no matter how you talk about it, get away from us, oh you made a space well here we are to say how dare you exist” and, yes, “well a few of you might have thought it through, there’s probably some good ones, but as a blanket rule this very idea is damaging.”)

i really… am of the opinion that the line of “legitimate, extensive research and really experiencing and informed” is a bar that moves, and is impossible to prove to anyone’s satisfaction unless they decide you’re “reasonable” – and then becomes a, “look at this model minority person and how much they agree with me, you should be more like them.”  i think self-diagnosis (and this is often… self-non-diagnosis) gatekeeping always does this.

as for proven/studied so far, there’s incentive to not study non-traumagenic multiplicity because, yes, people already looking for an excuse to disbelieve traumagenic/all multiplicity will jump on it and try to discredit DID as fake/misunderstood, and to further defund research.  but that’s… not the fault of non-traumagenic systems.

but also - definitions of “proven,” right (is anything in science definitively proven? models get taken back and changed drastically all the time, and often on political bases).

and the whole - impacts life, often distressingly - yeah!  distress is a required criteria for pretty much all mental disorders, certainly for DID/OSDD!  and these non-traumagenic systems are basically saying - this doesn’t cause me distress, not inherently the way the DSM means, maybe as a side effect of people’s reactions to me as unreal.  i think it makes a lot of sense that the whole life-impact-thing isn’t always disordered distressed.

furthermore, most of the endogenic/quoigenic systems i talk to are… psychiatry-/psychology- or “what the fuck, this is just Happening i guess”-based, not spiritual?  i think spirituality is an easy target of supposedly romanticizing something, and easy to broaden to paint everyone.  but many, many of these folks are just saying, “so we have multiple people in one body” - and using the word “system” for that because, yeah, it’s not Confirmed Scientific Linguistic Historically DID-Only

mm. i think any argument based on “i have bad experiences with this group of people” is very much vulnerable to - like how people form opinions of kin on tumblr.  the Visible Element, the Active ones who cross boundaries.  and then a whole experience-based identity becomes associated with a behavior as if they were one and the same.  i think it’s very important to learn to keep those things separate - which doesn’t mean not addressing behaviors!  but it means not assuming them before they happen, and it means investigating identity groups with an open mind.  especially when it comes to arguments over who’s allowed to use what words.

this is, long, but.  i hope this makes sense?