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hazelchooseme · 7 months

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feelings are difficult | Hazel Callahan

Warning: mention of blood.

English is not my first language.

Song recommendation: You Can't Catch Me Now by Olivia Rodrigo.

Enjoy 💋

"Are you telling me you've been obsessing over a girl you've never kissed?"

"You were obsessed with Brittany and you had never kissed her." Josie reminded her.

"So? In the end I ended up doing it."

"Who says I can never kiss her?"

"Me, look at your state, you're pathetic."

Hazel threw herself back onto the bed, she did feel quite pathetic, she couldn't deny that to PJ.

"Don't listen to her, we will help you." Josie told her as she threw a stuffed animal into the air and caught it.

"How?" She put an arm over her eyes, blocking the light and her misery.

"You're talking to experts."

"The only woman you kissed turned out to be straight."

"Not the point!"

"I don't think you should plan these things Hazel, I didn't plan anything with Isabel and it worked out perfectly."

"That's because it was obvious that she drooled over you." Hazel sat cross-legged and placed a cushion between her arms. "I have no idea if she even knows that I sit behind her in class."

"You have to be spontaneous," PJ decided. "And we'll help you plan every step and word."

"That's the opposite of spontaneous."

Ignoring Josie, the brunette began to move around the room trying to organize her thoughts. "We have to find out something about her, if she is dating someone for example, to take her away from that person."

"What?! No, we won't do that, if she's dating someone I'll back off."

"Fine, " She complained rolling her eyes. "But to find out that you have to talk to her and I don't know how you'll do it without shitting yourself."

"Jeez, have some faith in me."

"Faith is not going to make her fuck you, you have to force it."

"I never talked about fucking anyone."

"You're not thinking big."

"PJ." Josie said in a threatening tone to get her to stop.

"Okay okay, just, tomorrow try to figure that out and then we'll see what we do."

With a sound of agreement, they accepted.

Hazel watched you from her position.

God, she thought, the back of her head is so pretty.

She knew she had to pay attention, but honestly counting how many of your hairs moved because of the small breeze in the classroom was more interesting. And she also knew she had to find out about your love status, but the idea of how to do it was torturing her. Did she touch your shoulder to make you turn around? What happens if you don't turn around? Would you think she was a weirdo who liked to touch people's shoulders without their consent? What if you turned around but were upset by the interruption? What if you found the question strange or too personal? What happens if you hit her with the case for being so nosy?

She was so lost in her thoughts that the only thing that brought her out of it was a ball of paper landing on her head. Frowning she turned to see who had thrown it, PJ and Josie were quickly pointing something in front of her while they yelled "in front of you" silently but in an eager manner.

Annoyed by the blow, she turned to see how much they were aiming, as soon as she turned her head she met your eyes and an apologetic smile. You pulled back a little worried by the angry look in Hazel's eyes.

"Sorry, I was calling you but you didn't answer me, I didn't mean for them to do that."

Changing her expression from anger to one of poorly concealed panic, she cleared her throat. "Yes, don't worry, everything's fine, I'm not upset with you at all, I'm fine. Super good, very calm. Do you need anything?" She finished desperately to shut up.

"Riiight. Amm, the other day I noticed you lent some highlighters to Josie, I was wondering if you could lend me one."

The other day I noticed you lent some highlighters to Josie. The other day I noticed you. I noticed you. I. Noticed. You.

"Did you notice me?" She asked completely surprised, mouth open and all.

“Well, " You giggled nervously. "Not in a creepy way, just like when you're looking around with your eyes and suddenly you see something and you say "wow" and it stays in your head for some reason , and then you remember it for some other reason? Just like that."

Hazel nodded without saying anything and handed you her case.

"You're not going to need it? I just need the pink one." You clarified in case she misunderstood. She looked at you without moving, and you were pretty sure without blinking too, that you had to talk to her again. "Hazel?"

"Shit, right." She began to rummage through the inside of her case in a hurry and then handed you the pink highlighter.

"Thank you." You took it with a smile, brushing her fingers, and turned around.

Hazel raised the hand you had touched, feeling like she was going to cry. She had decided, at the end of class she was going to ask you.

Ringing the bell, she quickly put her things away but stood next to her table waiting for you to finish, when you slung your backpack over your shoulder she called your name taking a step forward, when you turned to see her she took it back.

"Yeah?"

"Amm, I wanted to ask you something, of course, you can answer only if you want."

"Yeah, sure. What happened?"

Your smile was so hard for her to look at that she looked around the classroom, there was no one left but she could almost feel Josie and PJ behind the door.

How did she formulate it? Was she direct or did she go around the bush? Would you get angry? Would you read her intentions?

What word did she use? Man? Young man? Boy? Why was it so difficult?

"Hazel?"

"Do you like penis?"

"What?!" You asked scandalized.

"No wait!" This couldn't be happening to her. "I mean if you're dating a man, a boy, gentleman, I mean not a gentleman but a, a man." She let out her exhale slowly, not wanting you to notice her nervousness.

"Aaah," You said after a while. "I'm not attracted to men, and I'm single, if that's what you wanted to ask."

"Aaah, okay. Perfect, thank you, bye."

"But..." But you couldn't finish your sentence as she ran off, you heard a lot of footsteps walking away so you just smiled with red cheeks. Silly Hazel.

"Okay, we've got that out of the way, now comes the interesting part." PJ said as she threw her backpack on the floor and jumped onto the bed. "And luckily for you, it's easy."

"What is it?"

"Find the perfect moment and Boom! You grabbed her face and stuck your tongue into her larynx."

"That doesn't sound easy."

"Or hygienic." Josie added, leaning against the door.

"Just, try to find a time when she is alone and approach her, make conversation, seduce her and Bam! Into the amygdala." Josie made a sound of disgust. "What?! I suggested something closer. You don't settle for anything, jeez."

"Seduce her?"

"Yeah, you know, the basics. Make eye contact, give a light touch on the arm or shoulder, smile or laugh that is very important, opt for seductive aromas, something that makes her want to smell you up close and, most importantly, when you manage to kiss her, leave her wanting more so she comes back for you." She finished with open arms as if she had just given advice to start world peace.

"I definitely won't be able to do it."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I've never done it before."

"Exactly, so how do you know?"

"Today I asked her if she liked penises for God's sake, like, how I'm supposed to have a normal conversation without sounding like a desperate nutcase." She said desperately, clutching her head.

"Hazel, calm down." Josie approached her and shook her by the shoulders. "You are attractive, you are intelligent and funny, she surely thinks that your stupidity is cute. If she doesn't see it, it's her problem, not yours, at least you'll rest easy knowing that you tried, okay?"

Hazel sighed and nodded. She will try, the worst that could happen is that you reject her, right?

The first opportunity appeared one day after school, outside in the parking lot Hazel noticed how you said goodbye to your friends and ran into the school, with encouragement from PJ and Josie she followed you.

She watched as you stopped in front of your locker but had a hard time opening it because your arms were full of books and papers. Cheering up, she approached.

"Need help?" She asked shaking from head to toe.

Her voice surprised you but you turned to look at her with a smile. "Hazel, what are you doing here?"

"I came to the bathroom." She said the first excuse that came to her mind.

"Aaah, okay, I won't stop you then."

"Nonono, I already went. Umm, can I help you? I washed my hands." She stupidly showed you her hands as if that would help prove her point.

Laughing, you handed her your things. "I believe you."

Free from the weight you were able to open the locker easily, one by one you placed the things in Hazel's arms inside the metal box.

Hazel watched you in silence the entire time, her arms trembling more and more free of the weight, what should she say when you're done? she couldn't just run away.

With a slam of the door you closed the locker and looked at Hazel, she looked away and you smiled. "Thank you so much, Hazel. Without you I'd probably be here until tomorrow."

Hazel laughed a little too hard at your attempt at a cheap joke.

Noticing her exaggeration, she ended up coughing and wiping her sweaty palms on her pants. "Sure, whatever you need."

You noticed that Hazel wanted to say something else so you remained silent but after a few long seconds you decided to speak to end the awkward silence. "Well, I better go." With one last smile you turned and began to walk away.

"Wait!" She screamed running after you, she stopped in front of you with her breathing quickened. "I..."

"Yes?" You tried not to sound nervous.

"I—" Seduce her, PJ's voice sounded in her head. Clearing her throat and with hands still trembling, she threw her left hand to your right shoulder. "You have nice gums." She said, deepening her voice.

"Me what?"

"You smile a lot and, and-and I've seen your gums, they're pretty, th-they look... Healthy."

"Thank you, I floss."

Hazel nodded but didn't say anything else, her hand still on your shoulder.

"Well, if that was all..." You tried to move to the side to let her arm fall but you felt a small tug on your hair, you tried harder again making the tug hurt this time, you complained and looked at your shoulder, a ring of Hazel's had gotten caught in your hair.

"Shit, sorry, let me." Hazel threw her hand at the same time as your head causing a burning pain.

"Hazel, that's not helping, stop." But it seemed like she wasn't listening to you, determined to find the solution to the problem.

You grabbed her elbow to make her stop but she kept pulling as you both lost your balance, you raised one foot thinking about stepping on her to make her stop, but just then she pulled so hard that you fell to your knees with a thump, with your eyes watering from the pain in your head and leg bones, you looked up, watching as Hazel looked at the ring with a knot of hair in it.

"I told you to stop, what's your fucking problem?" You said with a crying voice. Did it hurt you a lot? Yes, but it was more the humiliation that made you want to cry.

"I'm so so sorry. I didn't, I didn't think I-I would pull that hard."

She approached with the intention of helping you but you quickly got up on your own, generating a stabbing pain in your left knee. "Don't.... Just, just leave me alone." You pushed her hand that was stretched out towards you and as quickly as your legs would allow you, you ran away.

Hazel stood there watching you leave, wanting to dig a hole in the floor and bury herself in it.

Hazel had to put up with PJ's teasing and Josie's attempts at encouragement for the entire week that followed, you didn't make eye contact or talk to her the entire time, it almost felt like you had never exchanged a word. Hazel wanted to apologize again but she was afraid of your reaction, she almost made you cry the last time, for God's sake, that was reason enough for her to want to take all her things and move to another continent.

And so another week passed, her looking at you with desolation and you ignoring her as much as you could. One day during one of the breaks PJ pointed at you and when Haz turned to look at you she saw you very smiling with a girl with long blonde hair, very tall and with a quite feminine style. As always, she thought you looked beautiful smiling but this time it was accompanied by a pang in her stomach, the blonde girl touched your arm while laughing at something you had said, Hazel forced herself to turn her gaze and walked away from the place with clenched teeth. Was that the type of girl you were attracted to? She didn't look like that at all.

That afternoon she decided to take out her anger at the fight club, unfortunately she was paired with Sylvie, who wouldn't take her shit and she left her lying on the floor, bleeding from her nose. Assuring the others that she was fine and could go alone, she headed to the bathroom with a cloth pressed around her face, she knew that at this time there weren't going to be people in the hallways, so that calmed her down a little. When she finished cleaning herself, she would clean up the blood that fell on the floor.

She pushed the bathroom door with her foot and stood on a sink, the water falling red against the ceramic cleaning her nose, mouth and chin, she drank water and then spit it out to clean the blood that had fallen on it, looking in the mirror, she showed her teeth and nodded in affirmation when she saw them clean. She lowered her head to continue cleaning herself.

She was so busy making sure she cleaned herself that she didn't hear the door open or footsteps approaching, but she did hear a tone of voice that dripped with concern.

"Hazel?"

No, it couldn't be. Not you, not now.

Pretending that she hadn't heard, she continued throwing water in her face, thinking that you would get bored and leave. That obviously didn't happen and you stood behind her, Hazel wondering if it was possible to drown in a sink.

"Hazel, I asked if you were okay, what happened? Why are you bleeding so much?" You demanded with worry attacking your body.

The blue-eyed girl closed the tap and without raising her head answered you. "Fight club, I'm fine." Her tone of voice wasn't angry, but it was clear that she didn't feel like having a conversation.

You took her arm and turned her around slowly, the only thing you saw was her wet face and her slightly red nose, you sighed in relief and with the sleeve of your sweatshirt you began to dry her face with small touches. Her lower back was leaning against the sink and her gaze was still not looking at you.

"Does anything hurt?" You asked, worried. She shook her head a little hard causing blood to fall again."Shit, wait. Here."

You opened a door to sit her in a toilet, when she was settled you ran to look for paper, luckily there was some in the place that day. On the way back you knelt in front of her and pressed the paper to her nose, she tried to take it herself but you pushed her hand away so you could.

"You're going to get blood on yourself."

"I don't care, don't talk." Obediently she complied, you bit back a smile.

Seeing that the blood did not stop, you got up and with your fingers, gently, lifted her chin so that the blood would stop falling. After about 5 minutes and a lot of paper changing, the bleeding seemed to have stopped. You knelt down again with a sigh, happy to have helped her, but even after the moment you noticed that she still didn't look at you or speak to you.

"Everything okay, Haze?" You asked putting your hands on her knees. "The blood has stopped, you're okay." You smiled at her and finally, her beautiful blue eyes landed on yours.

You had called her Haze and your hands were touching her, this was too much, too much for her to bear. She was watching you and you were all smiles and kindness and sensitivity and beauty and you just called her a nickname and you were just watching her after taking such delicate care of her. God, she was going to explode.

She called your name and you moved a little closer, just because, because the space was small and because you needed her close to you, now more than ever.

"Yes, Haze?"

There it was, that nickname that sounded perfect on your lips. Your hands slid a little higher, resting on her thighs, her breath hitched in her throat and her eyes turned black for a second, your blood ran in your ears and you began to shake with anticipation, your throat became dry and you had to lick your lips so that the air could return to your lungs. That was the last straw for Hazel, so she went for it. She rushed forward, aiming for your lips, or that's what she was trying to do, but the only thing she achieved was that you foreheads collided and you fell on your ass to the ground.

"What the fuck, Hazel?" You asked surprised, rubbing your forehead.

"Sorry, um, I lost my balance."

"Sitting?!"

Hazel breathed out in exasperation, you two weren't going to work, not if she kept screwing up like that. This was the perfect moment, why couldn't she act like a normal person and just kiss you? Why did you make her so nervous? Why did you have that control over her?

Noticing how her breathing quickened, you stopped rubbing your forehead and raised your head to look at her. Her hands were balled into fists on her legs and her eyes were squeezed shut.

"Hey, it's okay, it doesn't hurt anymore." You said trying to take her hands, but she got up and walked around you out of the small place, imitating her you followed her.

"I... I'm sorry, okay? I tried but I failed, I pulled out a piece of your hair and now I almost gave you a bruise, just stay away from me, the last thing I want in the world is to hurt you. Again."

Seeing her intention to leave, you ran and blocked her exit. "Haze, I'm the one who should apologize. That day was an accident, you obviously didn't mean for the ring to get tangled and now, this was my fault, I shouldn't have invaded your personal space like that, seriously, I'm sorry."

You couldn't stand in front of her and put all the blame on yourself to make her feel better, you couldn't, it was killing her.

"I need to tell you something and if I don't say it now, I will never say it."

"Okay, I'll shut up."

Your eyes were expectant on her, her lips parted and she took a breath. She was about to speak when someone called your name in the hallway.

"Fuck me." You complained without trying to hide it. Hazel felt the same way.

A few seconds later the blonde girl Hazel had seen you with before, entered the place. The blue-eyed girl automatically felt small. Your gaze moved from Hazel to Olivia, you swallowed hard at what was about to happen. You had completely forgotten about her.

"Here you are, I was waiting for you outside, did you find your book?" The blonde didn't seem to read the room, so you intervened before she said too much.

"Yes, Hazel needed a little help but she's better now."

Olivia greeted Hazel and she hated herself because the girl seemed really nice, she greeted back and putting her hands in her pockets, she looked away at the wall.

"Well, shall we go then?"

"Yeah... Sure."

Olivia said goodbye and walked out of the place.

"Bye, Hazel." You gave her a small smile but she simply nodded in goodbye.

You pushed the door and with one foot outside she spoke again.

"It's... You're going on a date, right?"

Not brave enough to turn to see her, you simply made a sound of affirmation and closed the door behind you.

Her heart sank to her stomach and her head fell into her hands with a sob, she would definitely need more hours of fight club.

The next day everything felt very slow for Hazel, getting up was horrible, eating breakfast was tedious, going to class was torture, even the smile you gave her crushed her inside. It was official, she was lovesick. To make matters worse Mr G seemed to have no intention of showing up so you turned around trying to make conversation.

"Good morning, Hazel."

She sent you a forced smile and continued scratching her notebook.

"Did you have breakfast?"

She nodded.

"It seems that Mr G is running late."

She simply made a sound of affirmation.

"It's a little cold, don't you think?"

She nodded again.

"Today a dinosaur landed on the roof of my house."

She made that annoying little sound of affirmation and exhaling angrily, you stood up and left the room.

Hazel watched you go but didn't think to follow you, it was obvious that wasn't going to end well.

PJ crashed into your chair and hit Hazel in the head. "Do me a favor, nerd."

"What do you need?"

"I had to go to the office to pick up a piece of paper but the Principal Myers makes me nauseous, could you go get it, please?"

"Sure." An excuse not to be in this place was great for her, she slowly slipped through the hallways, careful not to cross paths with you. The brown doors of the office shone in the distance, when she was just a few meters away, the janitor's door opened and a hand pulled her inside.

"What the fuck, Tedd?!" Hazel shouted, trying to free herself from the other person's force.

"It's not Tedd, it's me, calm dow–ouch Hazel my arm!"

Your voice automatically made her tense and her fighting mode went off, her vision gradually darkened and she was grateful for the tiny window that was near the ceiling, otherwise nothing would be seen inside, Hazel thought about giving the janitor a light bulb.

"Haze?" Your question brought her out of her thoughts and pulling her arm free she pressed herself against the door.

"I can't talk, I'm busy"

"Looking for that PJ paper? It's pure bullshit, I asked her to give you that excuse."

"What? Why? When?"

"Yesterday I spoke to her and asked her."

"That doesn't answer why" She said defensively.

"Locking you here by force was not my plan A, Hazel! But you didn't leave me a choice, you don't look at me, not to mention you didn't even talk to me, what was I supposed to do?"

"How did your date go yesterday?" She asked out of the blue, to see if you understood why she had been so obnoxious.

You smiled and it made her wish that it had been Tedd who was here with her and not you.

"Is it considered a date, when you go with your date to the date but in the middle of the way to the date, you cancel it because it turns out that you like someone else?"

"Probably not." She managed to say quietly after a few seconds.

"That's what I thought."

Silence filled the little room.

"Then it went badly for you." She said making you laugh.

"I don't know, the realization I had was pretty good."

"Which was?"

"Why have you been acting so strange lately?" You responded with another question.

"I asked first."

"I locked you here."

"I guess that gives me reason why you should answer first."

You approach her, knocking her toes against yours and making her stick a little closer to the wall.

"Well." She began to respond with difficulty, this close she could see your eyes shining and that didn't help her cause. "It's nothing, I was just being me." She ended up muttering without even believing it herself.

"Haze, you can tell me." You said taking her hand.

In that place that reeked of disinfectant, with your hand in hers, your eyes searching for her, she managed to find the courage and strength to speak.

"I like you, too much, it's incredible how much I like you. I, I can't function properly in front of you, you, you're just too much, all the time and I love it. I'm crazy about you."

You didn't know if the heart sound was yours or Hazel's, her lips were shining and her hand squeezed yours, feeling her small tremor you squeezed it back.

"On the date I realized that it wasn't her I wanted to be with, it was you. Everything you should do on a date I want to do with you and only you." You heard her stop breathing and caressed her cheek. "In case it wasn't clear. I'm crazy about you too, Hazel."

It couldn't be. You of all people, like her? It couldn't be real, she was dreaming, it was still night and this was too good to be true.

"I have to go."

She tried to turn around but your hand next to her head, holding the door closed stopped her.

"Haze, wait."

"You don't understand, I'll end up screwing up somehow, I can't ruin this, not now."

"Hazel, you haven't screwed up anything, everything's fine."

"Yes, for now until I do something incredibly stupid that sent you to the hospital." Her hand kept trying to move the handle but your strength kept the door in place. "Shit, since when are you so strong."

"Haze, look me in the eyes, tell me you want to leave and I will."

"I can't do that, I don't want to do that."

"Then talk to me."

"What do you want me to tell you, I'm a disaster, what little have you seen of me? That's it, it doesn't get better, I'm a walking mass of stupidity, it'll take you 1 week to get sick of me and–"

Your lips landed on hers and your free hand grabbed her waist. Her words were choked as her breaths mingled and her arms fell dead beside her.

Your lips were on hers. Her lips were on yours. And it was better than any fantasy she had ever had.

You buried your hand in her hair making her melt against you, one of her hands grabbed your hip pressing it against her, your leg slipped between hers, pressing her further against the wood. Although the movement of the mouth was not so hasty, the temperature of the place visibly increased, you turned your head to the side making your noses collide and you couldn't help but laugh, but Hazel's hand sliding around your neck silenced you immediately. You licked the edge of her mouth and then bit her lower lip, the sound that came from Hazel's throat made you stick your tongue where she welcomed you, sucking your tongue, her hand lowered a little, groping slowly, desperately you took it and left it on your ass where she began to squeeze, making you moan. You pulled her hair back and started licking her neck leaving little kisses and bites.

"Shit." She managed to get out moans as the hand on your neck went under your shirt and caressed your back. You bit a specific spot that made her tremble and in a heartbeat now you are with your back against the door, she took both of your hands and stuck them on top of your head while she sucked on your tongue and made you make some pretty embarrassing sounds, this time it was her mouth that began to explore outside of yours, a bite on your ear made you cry desperately for more, her tongue ran over your neck as you felt twinges where her teeth bit, you managed to free your hands and they quickly went under her shirt, you've never been so grateful for her loose t-shirts. A shiver ran through her body when one of your hands traveled to her thigh and you began to caress her crotch, her kisses calmed down as did your touches, with a strong exhale she rested her forehead against yours.

"I'm sorry." You managed to say between breaths. "I got carried away with little."

"Let yourself go as much as you want, but in a more private place."

You laughed and kissed her again, this time tasting her lips slowly, it made your heart skip a beat when you heard her moan, could your touch really make her feel so much? Trying to see how much you could do, you put your hand under her shirt and began to caress her stomach.

"Please." She begged, her mouth glued to yours as she moved her hips against yours. With the intention of continuing, you undid the button on her pants, but a few knocks on the door made you both step back and separate. The door was slammed open, the janitor looked at you from head to head. Both red and breathing heavily should have given him a clue.

"When they ring the bell I'll come to refill the cart." And saying that he closed the door again.

You watched with Hazel and could only laugh.

"I think we should definitely stop." She told you with a smile. Even in the dark you could see her messy hair and swollen lips, you approached to button her pants and took advantage of her surprise to give her one more kiss, she responded urgently but you took a step back, leaving her with her mouth open.

You fixed your hair and the collar of your sweatshirt. "After class to my house."

"Holy shit, yes."

Laughing you jammed her lips again. There was still a while until the bell was rung.

As Hazel buried her hands in your hair, she proudly thought that she was officially obsessed with a girl she had kissed.

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