#Questioning ASPD

[schrodingerssideblog]

Growing up with conduct disorder be like-

[system-splintered]

This might be a surprise but I often don't see most people as equal to me. Not that they aren't people, more that I and the person/people I value are something greater, as the definition of something is defined by the majority of what that thing is, so the majority of people being basically, well, moronic animals, it's a feature of humanity. A select few, my partner, sometimes a few others irl, and some people I know from here and discord, I see as more than that, but most people are just... An obstacle, or a tool, to me. I try not to let that affect how I treat people but that's often difficult for me. I'm nice, even charming on occasion, to most people I meet, particularly when certain parts are in front, or I see the person I'm meeting as potentially useful as an ally, but it's not because I feel like they deserve the kind of respect I maintain for people I truly care about from me. It's because people are nicer to you if you're nice first. Even if it's "fake" nice, as long as you don't tell anyone (that's two-faced, also a crime in the eyes of egotypicals) they genuinely don't seem to notice that it's all an act.

I think most people deserve the maintenance of this veneer of respect, as not doing so is typically offensive, but genuine respect is vulnerability, and I only show my belly to those I both see as my equal, and whom I trust not to bite and tear at my softness.

Sometimes someone will be in this group of equals in my eyes, and they say or do something I resent, and a switch flips in my brain, and I just don't give a fuck about them anymore.

It worries me that one day, my partner is gonna be one of them. So far, she's my longest lasting exception to the rule of generally not liking or respecting or showing vulnerability to anyone.

She's also the only one genuinely in the position of having earned my complete respect and admiration. For everyone else, it's been temporary and negotiable, able to be lost and at its root, incomplete. For her it's been nearly eight years, and a lot of mistakes, and it still hasn't gone away, but every time my symptoms flare and the group of people I see as even worth giving the time of day shrinks, my concern grows that the only person I've ever truly loved unconditionally, will turn out to have some conditions after all.

She's the only one I care about the opinion of. And she knows how I feel about most of humanity and agrees with me.

I think we both may have ASPD.

[narcbians]

When your friend who could understand you left so now youre stuck with people who will only demonize your traits ☠️

[h4v3n-system]

This is a funny vent that im gonna post, probably one of the very few I'll make during my life

Tw for general purposes

So remember that i have mentioned i have npd (possibly so, but i can't get a diagnosis yet so i have to wait till my therapist says smth). There's a possibility i have a comorbidy with aspd??? At least some traits. And it's SO FUNNY because its because im unreasonably violent and have very little remorse. Its so confusing yet somewhat comforting? Its funny to say it

But the best part is that i have a lot of cluster b solidarity, especially since it turns out that two of my three partners have bpd. And they give me attention while i give them love and reassurance. It's symbiosis at its finest!

But on the other hand im concerned over the idea of being who i am. Do i really care? No. But the perception of people is what concerns me, but i dont care about me lol. All i have in my mind is to heal from my issues and become a better person. Im aware im a good person already, because even when i didn't know what was going on in my mind i still opted for being a good person and act accordingly.

But this is me! This is who i am!

And im happy that im myself :)

[the-mechanisms-system]

desire to tell out therapist about all our violent thoughts and fantasies just to watch her try to keep a neutral face and hear how she’d try to deal with it and watch her realize in real time that we are considerably more fucked up than we let on vs desire to keep acting normal both so she won’t try to “fix” us or whatever and so we can maintain our reputation with her as the Sweet Nice Creative One who is Perfect and Can Do No Wrong--- fight!

[borderline-culture-is]

bpd + suspected/questioning aspd is wanting to fucking blow up on ur fp because youve been pissed at them for an entire week now and you cant fucking take it anymore, you want to fucking snap at them, you want to release your anger at them because youve had ENOUGH. PLEASE FUCKK OFFDDD UHHHHDHHDDG I HATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUUUUUUU ughHHHNNNrrr (and if u actually did blow up on them and then u then realize on what you just did after awhile ud then start splitting on urself and start sobbing because why the fuck did i do that?? why am i like thisbi should just fucking kms ib hate ut hsreeeee ughhh im such a fucking disappointment this is why ppl always abandon me)

.

[redstaticphoto]

im specifically fronting to ask this. are there any resources for someone who might have aspd? our host has been considering it, because over the last couple of years of unpacking trauma responses and how we view the world it seems to keep coming up. but obviously if you fucking look it up all you’re going to get is “are you a sociopath” quizzes which are fucking stupid. we just want to know if we have traits. or even just any resources to help or anything anyone does to cope with this shitty way of existing. because even if we don’t have aspd itself then we can maybe just use coping tools that’ll help us anyway. whatever

if anyone has an answer feel free to reply I guess?

[xx-world-class-fuck-up-xx]

Lately I've just been feeling empty and cold inside

[thevoidshere88]

My family talk about drinking special punch so we all go together.

But they don't know I would prefer not too go out with them.

I'd rather go out alone or with strangers instead bcz fk my family they aren't worth ending crap with let a lone life.

[reduceduranium]

Yeah I feel gross

:|

!! Warnings: I'm prolly gonna talk about nsfw stuff, i am technically a minor, but the legal age of consent is 16 in my state!!

Okay, so a family member had a small party with his friends, both him and his friends are younger than me. And we are all minors (legal age of consent is 16 in my state, but everyone, including me, is under that).

I am the oldest of the non adults there.

And they were talking about rumors and stuff spreading in their school and I was sitting there like fuck, I've done a good chunk of what they're making fun of(mainly sending nudes) but also I thought, hey dude, these 13-14 year olds shouldn't fucking be talking about this stuff. Or even worry about it.

Anyways. Left that convo cause obv not gonna share the fact I have been saed, the fact my (semi) naked pics (I was in underwear and a button up shirt that was barely buttoned up) have been shared by both one of my friends and my ex with my ex-friend at some point.

Yeah, it's safe to say I feel gross.

And it also made me think about how I talk to my irl friends. I treat all of them as if they're relatively on the same level, and yet they all talked shit on each other, had drama between them, and a whole bunch of stuff that didn't involve me. They all had friends, and so did my online friends for most of their lives when I didn't get the chance to make friends. So now I'm slightly emotionally fucked, and unsure how to treat people correctly.

Also, intrusive thoughts. Not elaborating. Just. They were an issue during the whole party.

I also wished I could've invited my darling <3 fuck I miss being able to see them irl every day like I used to. I'm at least planning on trying out a different school, but if it doesn't work out, I can go back to my original one. Which works for me.

Also wish I could see my other partner but nya lives Ina. Completely different state😭😭

Another thing

I fucking feel like shit cause these kids are smarter than me. Are less fucked, know how to talk, and can have friend groups they feel apart of, while I'm stuck struggling to even feel like my friends of around 4 years now are actually seeing me as a friend, and I don't know why these people I care so much about just feel so off, like they're only tolerating me cause I'm there. I can't make jokes cause my actual sense of humor is barely anything.

And ngl, I just don't think I can make any actual friends, just people I'm around sometimes and the people I'm dating.

I think the internet both fucked me over and saved my life.

I think I have some pretty big signs of aspd, but I'm a minor, so I can't actually get diagnosed with it lmao, but I am 97% I have autism

[schrodingerssideblog]

[little-cirrus-fibratus]

A genuine question for people with ASPD or/and NPD

People with ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) or/and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), I am genuinely curious about what you believe is the core part of aspd and npd, and how you see the world. How does it feel to have these disorders? How do people treat you? How do you treat people? How can one understand how it must be like for you?

These disorders are VERY stigmatised. Even actual medical journals and sites perpetuate this stigmatisation, and there's this whole thing of "narcissistic abuse" or that all people with antisocial personality disorder are serial killers. I simply refuse to believe this, it's not nuanced enough, and I genuinely seek to understand. And maybe other people may find this thread of posts and also understand.

So people with npd/aspd, add on, explain anything you wish people knew about your disorder.

Coming from a fellow person with a highly stigmatised disorder (schizophrenia) who wishes to understand.

[narcbians]

I RECENTLY GOT 100 NOTES YEAHHHH THE SUPPLY IS RUNNING THEOUGH MY BONES (thank u guys)

[h4v3n-system]

Welcome back to we think we have NPD and/or ASPD! On this episode we are holding back from blowing our uni up with a homemade bomb and then pretend we are innocent.

[the-mechanisms-system]

Enough "people with cluster B disorders are valid and not inherently abusive" posts

People with cluster B disorders are better than everybody else. How about that. We're just inherently hotter and cooler and smarter. Fuck you.

[titan-god-helios]

simply existing as neurodivergent is tiring.

no matter which it is, every neurodivergence comes with its own set of symptoms and traits that makes even sitting and trying to relax something that takes energy.

for me, my adhd makes it so that i have a CONSTANT inner monologue. and that "monologue" consists of SO much. it feels like there's a main monologue of my most prominent thoughts, another monologue in the background and another after that too, with music playing off in the distance, mental images flashing in and out and also having to stay present in the real world so i don't fuck everything up in real life. my brain is always on high speed and when it isn't there's still mental noise regardless from the monologue. and its fucking tiring. it makes my social battery lower than ever and means that i never truly get a moments' peace unless i superengineer my surroundings to force it. which again, takes energy.

if you add the fact that my autism connotes sensory issues, a baseline of anxiety for pretty much everything due to yk. uncertainty of situations, having to mask and be hypervigilant to keep up my masking etc, it becomes even more tiring. masking whilst being distracted in a conversation is even harder.

then my npd dogpiles essentially and makes it so there's a subsection of my inner monologue dedicated to screaming at me and mocking me or others all the time. that's fucking tiring.

i get intrusive thoughts. i disassociate a lot. my mood can change very quickly due to the emotional dysregulation that comes with my everything. that's tiring.

it feels like my brain is constantly doing its best to fuck with me at all times. and its doing a pretty damn good job at it.

that's not to mention other neurodivergences that other people may have such as did/osdd, schizospec disorders, cluster a, b and c personality disorders, down syndrome, dyslexia, dyspraxia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, bipolar disorder, synaesthesia, intellectual disabilities, auditory processing disorders, anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, tourettes' syndrome, tic disorders, cerebral palsy, parkinsons', alexithymia (which i have and makes it exhausting to just. figure out how you feel at any given time and makes things such as giving consent much harder and lengthier) and so on

if you happen to have physical disabilities alongside neurodivergence, it's even fucking harder.

it's fucking hard. it's not a bed of roses, or doesn't only affect us when we're doing stuff. us sitting on the couch and trying to relax may take enormous amounts of effort that you simply do not see.

please be patient with us. we're trying our best.