#aspd confessions

[aspd-confessions]

would it still count as fitting the criteria if i’m not “in trouble” with the law so to say? I have done things that could maybe fit the bill as “law unabiding” but never been in serious trouble for it.

Many pwASPD can avoid breaking the law, though it's common to be in legal trouble, but not a requirement from what I know.

[npd-confessions]

My own aspd/npd confession whoops:

I genuinely get so awkward when people vent to me, especially without like... asking first. Like, I cannot just pull sympathy out of my ass on a whim babe. I need a warning and at least five minutes of prep time. This needs to be an open book test. I gotta have my notes!!

[magpod-confessions]

fandom martin rep is incorrect!!! ON SO MANY LEVELS!!!!!!!!! he is a flawed character in so many interesting ways and people fail to see his more manipulative side WHICH IS WHAT MAKES HIM SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER

(not saying they’re totally wrong, just in the general way he’s though/spoken about)

.

[delicate---bones]

I assume everyone will get bored of me because I get bored of them -> I keep people around because it services me to I have their attention and loyalty -> I won’t let anyone leave me even while I’m simultaneously mentally and physically leaving them

[friendlypsychopathnextdoor]

Would you take your psychopathy away permanently if given the chance?

I like who I am. If taking away a part of me permanently would alter who I am, then why would I risk this, and if it would not alter me, then I see no point to it.

(-confession/lie 290)

[skyrages]

You should know that:

Cognitive empathy = understanding, prediction of or perception of others feelings (honestly i feel those 3 are different enough that many people including me are one but not the other but here you go that’s how its used).

Sympathy and emotional empathy = you see someone having something bad happen to them so you feel bad, sometimes involving feeling as if you caught their feelings yourself (did you know that sympathy originally meant about exactly what empathy means now?!)

Emotional attachment = having positive feelings about someone and not wanting them to be gone, often involves other social emotions like empathy for most which causes confusion because you can have it without that

Remorse / guilt = you do something bad to someone so you feel bad, this is pretty unambiguous

Ofc there’s a LOT of overlap but it’s so funny when I see someone talk about a murder or something saying shit like “i feel remorse for them” 😭so you’re confessing that you murdered them? Or people in ND communities getting this mixed around as well so coming out with shit like “oh the evil aspd/npd people have empathy they just ignore it or use it against others we are the real low empathy people”🤦. I will say that I do find it kind of silly to have cognitive and emotional empathy using the same word.

[ctrlsht]

Fragment of the Past 02

pairing: patient!jungkook x psychiatrist!reader genre: thriller & yandere au

summary: You are a well-known and respected psychiatrist and author. You start treating Jungkook, who suffers from PTSD after surviving an extremely traumatic incident. As you help him confront his traumatic past, he begins to act strangely, and you start uncovering something about him that will change everything.

chapter summary: after finding out that Jungkook is responsible for his own mother’s death, you decided to terminate him as your patient but Jungkook didn’t agree with that idea and pulled his cards against you.

chapter warnings: fraternity, hazing, blackmailing, ASPD, unstable mental health of mc, disturbing thoughts of JK word count: 8.8K

parts: (1) | (2)

note: this fiction will contain multiple mental disorders and psychology facts. I conducted my own research to avoid spreading misinformation, but there may be aspects I've overlooked, so I am open for any corrections.

As the words tumbled from his lips, confessing the heinous act, his expression transformed into something disturbingly demonic. In that moment, you couldn't shake the feeling that he was no longer the person you knew, or perhaps that was just the chilling façade he was revealing.

“You’re the one who did it.” It wasn’t a question.

“Is that what you believe, Dr. Y/N?” He tilted his head trying to prevent himself from grinning.

“You do know that it’s a grave offense, right?” 

“Is it?” He smirked before he poke the inside of his cheek with his tongue. 

Jungkook is messing around like he just didn’t confess his crime, like it was just a big joke for him.

“Are you aware of the consequences of your actions?”

He didn’t respond and just continued staring at you while he smiled devilishly. You weren’t prepared in this scenario because in your years of your career, you haven’t encountered a situation like this. Guess it will be added to your experience.

After a few moments, he looked at his wrist watch and returned his gaze at you.

“Oh no, we have already exceeded our normal session hours, Doc. We can just continue this for our next meeting, or do you consider my offer to you?” 

“Jungkook, this is a serious matter. We have to talk about it.” You spoke with hardness in your tone. 

“You still have your next patient, doc. Huh Yunjin, right? Diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder. It’s unfortunate that even though she has everything, she still suffers from depression. But I think it's all because of his useless and abusive boyfriend who keeps messing with her mental health. What a shame. Her work may be perfect but for her boyfriend, it was trash.” you were taken aback with his statement. He shook his head as he clicked his tongue.

“How did you know that?” You outburst as you stand up. He also stood up and walked towards the door. “Jungkook, I’m not done talking to you.” At this point, you were still containing yourself from being angry but you just can’t help yourself. 

“I’ll just see you next week, Dr. Y/N.” It’s his last statement before he twists the doorknob and steps out of your office leaving you dumbfounded.

You didn’t expect the outcome of this session and most especially, you don’t know how you will react with the information that he just said. From how he was the culprit of his own mother’s murder to how he knew about Yunjin’s boyfriend because as far as you know, you’re the only one that she trusts regarding her situation with her boyfriend unless he knew Yunjin’s boyfriend personally. 

You’re still at your position when Jungkook leaves you for a long moment until Soyeon knocks on your door informing you of the arrival of your next patient. You don’t know if you can still handle a new session after him but you cannot cancel the session in this late notice. 

“Tell Yunjin to give me a minute before she enters. We’ll start in 10 minutes.” You instructed Soyeon before you composed yourself. You don’t know how to face Yunjin with your condition but you don’t have a choice. You will just see how it goes.

—

You’re standing 5 feet away from an old house on the edge of town, all by itself. It’s surrounded by overgrown grass that hasn’t been cut for probably a year or two and there are no neighbors around. It looks like it was abandoned but you’re sure that there is someone living here. Mr. Jeon, Jungkook’s father should be here. 

You were observing the house for a couple of minutes before you decided to knock on the door and find out if there is someone inside.

“Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. Jeon?” You call out while you’re knocking but no one is answering. You’ve been knocking and calling for a lot of times already but there’s really no one answering. You take a few steps backwards and look at the whole exterior of the house. This is where Jungkook once lived along with his parents and this is where the crime scene happens. 

You take a deep breath before you decide to turn around to leave. Maybe Mr. Jeon isn’t around.

As you take a few steps towards your car, you suddenly hear a door open. You immediately turn around, and from where you are, you see Mr. Jeon standing beside his door with a cigarette in his mouth. You didn't expect him to appear in such shabby attire. Perhaps Jungkook truly despised his father to the extent of letting him live like this.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Jeon.” You give him a smile and walk towards him. 

“Who are you?” He asked as he inhaled his cigarette. 

“I am Y/F/N, a psychiatrist and I am handling your son, Jungkook.” You introduce yourself and extend your hand to give him a handshake but he only stares at it so you take your hands back.

“What do you mean? Has that bastard become crazy already? Actually, he did lose his mind years ago.”

“No, Mr. Jeon. Your son suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder after the incident that happened to your wife. I am here to ask a few questions about him to help him recover with his disorder, if you don’t mind.”

He looked at you with furrowed brows before he blew smoke from his mouth.

“Post-traumatic what? What kind of bullshit do my son is pulling? What, he had the audacity to be traumatic after he killed his own mother?” 

His father knew. But how come he didn’t ask for his statement? Or did you overlook it?

“Do you believe that your son killed your wife? What are your reasons? Why didn’t you say anything about it?” You didn’t know that you’re already asking multiple questions because of how desperate you want to know the answer. Mr. Jeon only looked at you as his response and after a few moments, he smirked and inhaled from his cigarette. 

“You act more like a detective rather than a psychiatrist, Y/N.” He blew a smoke before he continued. “Come in. Let's discuss your questions inside. It’s already getting cold and you wouldn’t want to catch a cold.”

The house doesn’t seem like a home. It only looks like a place where a person has to stay for them to be sheltered. Inside, vintage furniture fills the rooms, and faded wallpaper lines the walls. In the dimly lit living room, a faded armchair sagged, its upholstery torn and revealing the stuffing beneath. Only a few personal items adorn the space but you haven’t seen any family photo frame. 

Mr. Jeon lets you sit on a single couch, you haven’t touched the upholstery yet you already know that this hasn’t been cleaned in ages. But you didn’t mind because you’re here not to be comfortable. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t offer you anything. It’s only me in here and you show up unannounced so I didn’t  prepare anything.” You immediately shook your head with what he said.

“It’s okay. I’m fine. I’m just here for a few questions. I apologize for showing up unannounced.” 

He lit a new stick of cigarette and blew a smoke before returning his gaze to you. 

“So, what do you want to know?” 

You have a lot of questions that you want to be answered but you have to pick the most important one before you proceed with the others.

“How is Jeon Jungkook as your son?” He didn’t answer right away. He just stares at you as if his answers are in your eyes. Or perhaps, he’s just thinking the right answer to say. 

“Well… Jungkook is a smart kid. He has a passion for photography which I find a waste of time. But look at him now. He managed to build a studio and become successful.” He smiled like a proud father but it only lasted for a second before he was back with his seriousness. “I don’t know how you see him but there is a high possibility that he just built a personality that he wants you to see. You cannot trust him especially with what he says because most of them aren't true.” 

“Can you be more specific with your statement about him? Maybe, give a few examples on how you can justify what you just said.” You slowly grab your phone inside your bag and instantly open the voice record and hit the record button before you return your attention back to him.

“It’s complicated to explain and elaborate because even I cannot understand him. All I know is that he’s a dangerous man.” 

Just like what he said about his son, you should not trust him as well, especially now that he doesn’t even have any evidence to justify his statements. 

“You’ve mentioned that he was the one who killed your wife. Do you have any proof to prove that?” You asked him and he took a deep breath.

“I don’t, but I am positive that he’s the one who did it. I knew my son so well.” 

All his statements don't have concrete evidence and all pure accusations. Maybe that’s why he didn’t raise his accusations to the higher position because it wasn’t supported with anything. But you still ask, anyway.

“Did you try reporting it to the police?” 

"Yes, I did. But did you know they do? They showed a lot of interest in my statement about him and assured me they would stay in touch. But, after the following day, I didn't hear anything from them anymore. They didn't reach out, and when I approached them, they said that the case had been resolved and my statements weren't sufficient to prove anything."

Based on his story, if you’re the investigator of the case, you wouldn’t think much about his report because like what’s happening right now, his claims support nothing. But you knew better because Jungkook already admitted it to you. 

“If Jungkook really did it, what may be the reasons?”

“There are a lot but the major reason is he’s a psychopath.”

That's a serious accusation from a father against his son. However, you must allow him to explain because, no matter what, he knows Jungkook better than you do.

“I admit that me and my wife aren't the perfect parents for him. There are problems that we always argue about, like work problems and we also have a trust issue with one another, and he doesn’t deserve that. We try to separate our problems as husband and wife to him but every time we try to reach him out, it’s like he doesn’t want to be reached out. When he turned high school, that’s when I started to notice the major changes in him. He was always angry and he doesn’t treat us as his parents anymore. We’ve tried to talk to him but it only gets worse.”

He takes a long pause as he remembers everything that he’s talking about. He tapped the ashes into the ashtray and inhaled another smoke before he continued.

“The principal of his school wants to talk to us about our son but the message wasn’t sent to us because he finds a way for us not to know. We only knew when his teacher visited us here and we found out that he’s involved in an illegal fraternity. One of the initiations rites at his fraternity is making the people suffer before they officially become a member. He killed a lot during the initiation rites and he didn't look like he was bothered. He was still a minor at that time so he didn’t go to jail. I was relieved but right now, I wish that he just went to prison.”

His cheeks flushed, and his eyes glistened with the threat of tears. He’s looking away and he took a deep breath without making it obvious. He tossed the cigarette butt on the ashtray beside him and returned his gaze to you. 

“I was patient with him but he’s too much. I let him be, we let him be. But when things get harder, that’s how I realized that he has no hopes. We’ve lost our wealth and he was on the peak of his success. We tried to ask for help but he just threw us out like we weren’t even his parents. And when he killed my wife, I completely disowned him.”

—

You’re back at home after visiting Jungkook’s father and you keep on repeating the recording you had during the conversation. You believe in the story that Mr. Jeon has told you because of two things; first, he doesn’t look like he’s lying while telling his story and second, there are certain things he said that connect to how Jungkook describes him as a father. 

“He’s a horrible person and he doesn’t deserve to be a father to me. I never got to experience the love from a father because the only thing that he gave me is hatred. He always gets drunk and gamble and he cheated with my mom multiple times. I’m not going to be surprised when I find out that I have other siblings from different mothers. He’s the worst person I’ve known.”

Maybe the reason why they lost their wealth is because he’s a gambler. And he and his wife have trust issues because he’s cheating on her. 

“He only wants money from me.”

Mr. Jeon mentioned that he asked for the help of Jungkook after they lost their wealth. 

You have already got the perspective of both sides and Jungkook’s relationship with his parents has a big impact on who he is now. 

You were in the middle of your business when your phone rang, and when you saw the caller’s ID, your heart raced, thudding against your chest. You didn’t move and you just stare at your phone contemplating whether you will answer or not. 

After a moment, the ring stops and when you think that you’re already safe when it rings again. Your hands shake as you pick up your phone and slide the answer button. 

“Good evening Dr. Y/N! How are you?”

Jungkook greet in his usual energetic voice. 

“Jungkook, it’s already late. Do you need anything?” You ask in your low voice, hiding your nervousness.

“I just want to check up on my favorite therapist after I left her last time.” his chuckles erupted at the most unsettling moment.

“You walked out even though we’re not done talking. We can continue our discussion in our next session.”

“You surprised me, Doc. I thought that after our conversation, you'd go straight up to the police, but you did not. Instead, you chose to run to my father.” His words are sinister to your ears. Your heart is beating rapidly as you try to stay composed. The reason why he knew that, you don’t know. You want to ask but there are no words coming out of your mouth.

“Have you eaten your dinner?” he asked after a long pause. 

“I already did.” You lied. 

“But I haven't. You promise me that you’ll come with me for dinner, Dr. Y/N. It’s a perfect time for you to fulfill your promise.”

“Jungkook, I’m sorry but I really can’t. I have a lot of things to do.”

“Tsk Tsk. Your excuse is already overused, Doc. Do you have other excuses?” He laughed once again and continued. “But I won’t force you anymore. I’ll just see you on Tuesday. Goodnight, Dr. Y/N”

—

You were occupied through the following days already, thinking about Jungkook’s case. You’ve been trying to connect the dots by communicating with the people behind this case but unfortunately, no one is useful. You have to do it yourself and the progress was so slow that you’re about to give up. 

You got more important things to do but you left them behind for this and it’s not healthy anymore. You aren't a detective but a psychiatrist. Not a lawyer but a successful book author, therefore, you should stop this madness and go back to your track. 

Tuesday came and you should have a lot of patience to attend to and things to get done with but you cleared your schedule out just for the person who’s not worth your time. 

“Good afternoon, Dr. Y/N. You look so stressed out. What have you been up to lately?” Jungkook said as he entered inside your office. He wasn’t wearing his usual clothes when he visited your clinic for a session, on the contrary, he’s wearing the clothes that you used to see during your photoshoot with him. A casual long sleeve polo paired with tight black pants. 

He doesn’t look like a murderer. He’s very charismatic and no one will know what’s behind his mask. 

“I bought you a salad and orange juice to boost your productivity for today.” He places the paper bag that he’s holding on the top of your office table.

He acted like everything was normal and fine but deep down, you were terrified. 

You let him settle down on the couch in front of you before you spoke.

“Jungkook, we have to talk about everything. This is a very serious matter. I want to understand you as your doctor and choose what’s best for you.” You started before you pressed the record button on your phone and placed it on the top of your table. Jungkook glanced at it but he returned his gaze to you. 

“Are you the one responsible for your mother’s death?” You don’t want to ask it immediately but you’re itching to know the truth. 

He chuckled as he caressed his lips before he crossed his legs.

“I didn’t know that you’re also a detective, Dr. Y/N. Did you also ask that to my father?”

“Jungkook, I’m serious right now. Please, cooperate.” 

You were waiting for his response but it didn’t come. The whole room became deadly silent and Jungkook continued to play with his lips, looking at you with intensity. 

You only have 5 more sessions to go before the psychotherapy treatment will come to an end, but you don’t think that you can attend more sessions with him anymore. 

“I’m not stupid as you think, Y/N.” He finally speaks out, without addressing your title. You only heard him twice calling you without your title, during the photoshoot and now. 

“After I tell my heart-dying story about what happened, you won’t waste any second to go to the police and surrender the recording you had with me.” 

Your eyes widened in alarm as your lips quivered, betraying the anxiety building within. 

“What do you mean?” You try your best not to stutter as your words come out in fragments as your nervousness is disrupted.

“Oh, you know what I mean, Y/N. Don’t play dumb.” He intertwined both of his fingers and wiggle his ankle while his legs were crossed. His stares swivel from you to the phone that’s placed at your table. 

You didn’t move, afraid of what’s going to happen next. He slowly stood up from his seat and took a step near your chest drawer, looking at the different licenses, certificates and achievements that were placed on the top. 

“You become so successful within four years of your career while others take decades of their life to be where you are right now.” He caresses some of the frames standing. You didn’t move, nor say anything, letting him speak. “Are you proud of what you become, Dr. Y/N?” He turned his head towards you and you tried not to show any weakness to him.

“Yes. Yes, I am.” You answer with a low voice. 

“If you want to keep that way, then you should keep out of my business.” He smiled so sweetly, like he just didn’t say something to threaten you.

He took a step towards the door and opened it but before he stepped out, you spoke.

“No matter how fast and long you run, the truth will eventually come to you, Jungkook.”

—

"Can you believe how surprised I was when I read your message, inviting me for a drink?" You chuckled at what Taehyung said as he continued to drive to your destination. "It's such a rare occurrence, and I thought I must have read it wrong. But, damn, it's like a once-in-a-blue-moon moment when you're the first one to invite me for a drink!"

“Yeah, congrats to you.” 

Taehyung was right about you inviting him to go out for a drink. You don't usually do that, and most of the time, he's the one who invites you. You're used to being alone and doing things by yourself, so you don't often think of inviting him. But right now, everything is fucking you up, and you can't be alone with your thoughts because you might end up losing your mind.

You didn’t show any signs of your problems to him. You act like everything is fine and you just miss him. You don’t want to make him overthink. Just like you, he also has a lot on his plate.

You ask him to have a drink with you in Itaewon where everyone goes at this hour. It’s friday and it’s a perfect time to chill with someone you’re very familiar with.

The night is lit up with neon streets in different colors, and the sound of laughter and music filled the air. Everyone is having fun as if the city itself was a living as well. There are a lot of pubs and bars beside each other but you chose where it wasn't so rowdy. 

“Will people recognize you?” You ask him as you sip on your beer.

“Nah, and if they do, so what?” He spoke a little loud as the music became louder as well. 

“Do you mind when you’re out and people recognize you, asking to take a pic?” The crowd is getting louder along with the music so you have no choice but to speak louder as well. 

“I don’t mind. I’m cool with it.”

You did talk to him about his life and when the night went deeper, the crowd was becoming wilder as well. People started to recognize Taehyung and ask for a quick photo. You can’t help but smile whenever he interacts with people with so much energy and happiness. This is what he wants ever since high school, for people to recognize him and his music. Music is Taehyung’s language.

After a few moments, Taehyung joins the crowd and dances along with the ocean of people. He asked you to join him several times but you refused, content with your position right now. You just watch him become the center of attention inside the bar you’re in. 

You’re not a fan of parties and nightlife but right now, you embrace the music and the alcohol that’s influencing you right now. 

You were suddenly startled when a subtle but distinct crept up your spine, an unshakable sense that someone's eyes were fixed upon you. You tried to look around to find if someone’s looking at you but you found nothing. You’re about to brush it away when a familiar figure is standing 10 feet away from you. A pair of eyes bore into you, a gaze so penetrating it felt like a laser, igniting a trail of fire across your skin. The music and the crowd faded in the background and your eyes are fixed at the person while your heartbeat increases rapidly. A person blocked his view and when you tried to find him again, he wasn’t there anymore. 

You don’t know if you’re hallucinating or Jeon Jungkook is really around. 

— 

You will terminate Jeon Jungkook as your patient. You have to terminate him. 

You have your reasons for you to terminate him and as far as you see it, they were valid. Since he first stepped into your office, there is something about him that you couldn’t understand. You’ve been brushing off that feeling multiple times already and now, you should have trusted your instincts.

Jeon Jungkook isn’t a victim. He was the one who killed his own mother at their own house. You don’t have a concrete reason why he did it but you’re sure that it’s about their relationship as a son and mother. Based on the two-sided perspective, Jeon Jungkook is capable of killing someone without showing any remorse. 

He pretended to have experienced trauma solely for his own benefit. His condition isn't post-traumatic stress disorder; instead, it's characterized by antisocial personality disorder, which is evident in his absence of empathy, aggressive and criminal conduct, and a background of lying and deception. Similar to those with ASPD, Jungkook possesses charisma, attractiveness, and above-average intelligence.

You can help him. You really can, but you were also affected by his condition. He crossed the boundary between a doctor and patient several times and you couldn’t tolerate that. If you’re going to keep him, there might be worse that can happen not only to him, but to you as well. 

You still have 4 more sessions before the final session comes to an end but you cannot wait for that day to arrive. When Tuesday comes, you must inform him already. So you are sitting at your swivel chair while he’s seated at the black couch in front of you when you finally say it without any hesitation. You want this to be done already.

“We can no longer continue your remaining sessions, Jungkook.” You started without stuttering. You try to stay calm and strengthen your mentality before you continue. “There are several reasons but on the top of all, you’re not improving with your mental state.”

His arms are on the top of the arm-rest while his fingers are intertwined. His legs are crossed as he wiggles his ankle while he’s staring at you with so much intensity like he’s looking at your soul. 

He’s not responding so you continue to your list of reasons why he’s being terminated.

“I also diagnose you incorrectly but I can still refer you to other doctors that can help you start up. I’m really sorry for failing you, Jungkook but it's best if you can see a new doctor to help you with your mental state.”

Of course, that’s not only the reason but you chose not to go further, afraid that you might trigger him. 

After a few moments, he leaned forward, not removing his intense gaze away from you. You know that this won’t be easy but you must proceed with it. 

“Is that really the reason, Dr. Y/N?” He slowly stands up from his seat and takes a step towards your countertop beside the chest drawers. From there, he looked at the instant coffee sachets, coffee grounds and a coffee maker before he took a mug and placed it in front of him. “I would appreciate it if you tell me the real reasons.” 

You didn’t respond immediately as you watched him make a cup of coffee using the mug that you always use. When he’s done, he turns around to face you and takes a sip of his coffee. 

“What’s taking you so long to answer?” He said after he sips his coffee. 

“That. What you’re doing right now is one of the reasons why we cannot proceed with the remaining session.” He wants to play like this? You will give him what he wants. “You cannot touch my things without my permission, Jungkook. Remember, I am your doctor, not a colleague. You should know what the boundary is.” 

“Oh? You will dump me just because I made a cup of coffee without your permission?” He raised his brow, as he smirked with the sarcastic undertone of his statement.

“You’ve been threatening me, multiple times. You’re making it difficult to maintain a professional relationship between the two of us. You know that to yourself, Jungkook. Don’t make me state every reason why because I want to keep my professionalism towards you.” You try to compose your tone but there’s still a hint of irritation. 

He rests his hands on the top of the counter and sip from his coffee.

“Uh huh. But what if I refuse?” 

“You don’t have a choice. That’s my decision and it’s legal.” A mocking smile tugged at the corners of his lips, as if you were the punchline of a cruel joke.

He releases another soft chuckle before he gets his phone from his pocket and scrolls down. Your eyes widened in horror as a shiver ran down your spine. Your skin prickled with goosebumps and waves of fear washed over you when he played a voice record coming from his phone.

“I started hiding my painting from Louie but he managed to find out about it and he kept telling me to stop painting again. He said that they were trash and I should just focus on my academics.”

“That’s unfortunate. You don’t deserve that, Yunjin. Your boyfriend kept on messing up your mental state. I’ve been telling you to break up with him.”

“I can’t because I love him—

“Where did you get that?!” You instantly stood from your seat. He looked at his phone and scrolled once again before he played another voice record. 

“He’s been stalking me, doc. He’s just finding the perfect time to kill me.”

“Mr. Park, you have tons of your bodyguards around you. He doesn’t have a chance to—

“Give me that!” Your eyes blazed with fury, as your voice erupted, a thunderous roar that reverberated through the room. You tried to snatch the phone away from him but he was too tall for you to reach. 

“Will you think twice about your decision when I decided to upload your illegal voice recordings with your patients on the internet?” His voice dripped with mockery as he grins. 

“Those are not illegal because I asked for their permission to be recorded.” You respond in your stone voice. He smirked once again before he played another voice record.

“How are you, Jungkook? Did you sleep well last night?”

“I did, doc. I even sleep so early. Thanks to the medicine that you prescribed me because it helps.”

“As far as I remember, you didn’t ask my permission to be recorded.” He smiles mockingly before he puts down the cup of coffee that he’s holding on the countertop.

“I can already see the headline for these voice recordings. Bestselling author and psychiatrist who records their patient without consent. That’s going to be number one on social media and in front of the newspaper.” He returned his phone in his pocket and took the coffee to sip from it. 

“Where did you get that?” You asked as you clench your jaw. 

“It doesn’t matter, Dr. Y/N. What matters most is the backlash you will get when I decide to upload these online. With how you quickly reach the top, that also determines how quickly you will fall down.” He smirks.

Your eyes bore into him with such intensity, a storm of anger raging just beneath the surface. Your anger has reached its boiling point and any moment now, the tears forming on your eyes will flow over your cheek.

“What do you want?” You ask with your teeth. His gaze softens as he pouts. 

“Come on, Doc. Don’t be so upset at me.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” Your voice was raising again as your right hand balls into a fist. “You stole my recordings and you are threatening me now!”

“You’re dumping me. I have to do something.” 

You take a step backward without removing your gaze from him. “What do you want?”

“It’s nothing big, Doc. You wouldn’t have a hard time.” His gaze softens before he continues. “I just want to continue our sessions. That’s it.” 

“For what? I didn’t see any progress from you. Your condition might worsen.” You cannot be in this room with him for another session. He’s too much. “I will refer you to another psychotherapist who is much better where you’re going to recover.” 

He shakes his head. “You were wrong. I do make progress, Dr. Y/N, and I would like to completely recover with your help. Besides, there are no ‘much better’ doctors beside you. I want you for me.” 

You didn’t respond and continue to stare at him, hoping to see any sympathy or even a change of mind, but you only see a demonic who’s in the body of a human. 

“Okay. But when the 12 sessions with you are completed, that’s it. Our business will end there.” Jungkook smiled devilishly and took the last sip of the coffee before he nodded.

“That’s all I want, Doc. To complete our session so I can get better and nothing else.” 

—

You can’t believe that Jungkook has something to hold against you. Everything happens so fast and you didn’t know why it had to come to this. You’ve tried to make him speak up on how he got the recordings but he never did, instead, he keeps on blackmailing you about what might happen when he uploads it online. 

“I wonder how your other patients will react when they find out that you recorded their most vulnerable moment. Will you ever get someone to trust you after that?”

You’ve tried to imagine what’s going to happen if he really uploaded it online. You can just simply tell the truth that you record your patient because it helps you to create a better book that will help a thousand people as well. That’s the truth, anyway. You can just accept your mistakes and move on. 

But that’s not the case. Even if you kneel down just for the people to forgive you, that won’t change anything. Your name will be ruined and you might lose your license for violating the patient’s privacy and confidentiality. The worse thing is, everyone will hear the recordings you took and you can be subject to criminal charges. 

Yes, you can blame everything on Jungkook but you know better. He got away from killing his own mother and he can also get away with this. You don’t know how powerful he can be.

You don’t know how to handle this. It’s so heavy that you can’t proceed with your daily routine. From waking up until you go to bed, that’s the only thing that keeps running to your head and it’s getting out of hand. 

You don’t know if Jungkook can be trusted that he won’t upload it online if you continue with the remaining sessions or he will betray you at the end. You cannot hold onto his promises. You have to do something before he completely ruins your reputation. 

“Your clinic became my second home at this point, Doc. It’s so comfortable already that I can practically sleep here.” Jungkook transfers from the single couch to the bigger one and lays down and uses his palms as a pillow. 

“How are we supposed to start with our session when you’re lying down?” You rolled your eyes and dropped the folder that you’re holding to the table. 

“We can still have a conversation even if I’m in this position. It’s not like I’ll be muted if I lay down.” He responded without moving from his position. You rolled your eyes once again before you face your desktop and pretend that you’re busy with something. It’s hard to deal with a patient when you’re irritated with them. 

You glance at him when you hear him laugh. He was laughing while he sat up from laying down. “You look so cute when you’re angry, Dr. Y/N. It’s a rare moment. Or this is really how you feel deep inside when you’re facing your patients.”

“Am I supposed to smile and clap my hands while you’re blackmailing me? You can’t even settle down properly to begin our session.” your voice dripped with sarcasm.

“And you’re being sarcastic too! How adorable.” He laughs, matching his grin as he returns to his original seat. He placed his arm on the arm rest before he spread his legs, looking at you with a smirk on his lips. “I just want to push the buttons and see who Dr. Y/F/N really is.”

You sip on your coffee and open the folder once again, trying to relax while staring at the folder. After a few moments, you take a deep breath and return your gaze to the monster in front of you.

“I’ll prescribe you with another medicine, although you can continue to take the medicines you have right now.” You said and listed down the prescription for him. 

“Thanks, Doc. I’ll take note of that. And thank you for accepting me once again. I really appreciate it so much.” He’s back with his sweet voice which you would be glad not to hear again. You’d prefer his demonic voice because you know that it’s his true nature. 

“No problem. As if I have a choice, right?” He chuckled and proceeded with his habit of playing with his lips. 

“Come on, Doc. You’re really helping me to recover. That’s really what I wanted because you’re so good with what you do.” 

“Uh huh.” You said while flipping the pages from the folder. “If that’s what you believe. So, do you want to talk about something that happened recently? What might be the reason why you think that you’re getting better?”

“There are a lot of good things that’s happening to me lately,” which you don’t deserve. “I have new investors for the growth of my business. It’s going to be a corporation. And I’m here, sitting on this couch in front of you.” 

“That’s good for you.” You said, trying not to sound sarcastic. “How do you feel when you tell me who’s really responsible for your mother’s death?” 

“That’s an excellent question, Doc.” He leaned forward before he continued. “I feel relief because I don’t need to fake my traumas, nightmares and anxiety because my mother died. I can finally celebrate it with you.” A twisted grin crept across his lips, eyes sparkled with a sinister delight. 

A shiver ran down your spine, and goosebumps erupted on your arms. But you still manage to take note of his statements. 

“I also plan on bringing my father along with my mother but I’ll save that for later. I’ll let my father live even though his life is useless. His existence only adds pollution to the earth, don’t you think? You’ve met him already.” A wave of nausea washed over you, as your skin turned clammy and cold. You can’t believe that he just told you his plan to kill his father like it was a normal thing he does.

“Jungkook, that is inhumane. You can’t talk about that during our sessions. Our goal here is to get your life back on track, not to plan on killing your father. You know that I can report you, right?” You lowered your voice in a softer way where Jungkook can feel that you’re really concerned with him.

“Come on, Doc. You’re so boring! And I know that you can’t do that because you’re putting your life on a pedestal.” He grins. 

“You said that you wanted to recover so you want these sessions to continue, instead, you’re doing the opposite. You kept on blackmailing me and telling me your desires to kill your father.” 

“You’re the one who said that you didn’t see any progress with me, so maybe, it’s better to talk about other things rather than talking about bullshit that only triggers me to do something worse.” His voice raises and his face remains completely lacking emotion while his gaze is penetrating that it feels as if he’s peering into your soul.

You froze on your seat as your body language reflected the overwhelming impact of what he just said.

“I am a psychiatrist and psychotherapist and my job is to help my patients with their problems and situations and not to tolerate their wrong behavior.” You close the folder that you’re holding and place it back on your table before you continue. “We’re not being productive here, Jungkook. As mentioned earlier, I would be delighted to connect you with one of my highly skilled colleagues who can assist you in making progress.”

He shook his head and he even used his finger movement to indicate that he disagreed. “No. We’re not going to do that.” 

“Why?” You said, almost losing your control.

“Because I want you, Doc. You’re the only one I wanted.”

—

The remaining 3 sessions with him were all the same; very unproductive and a waste of time. He kept on pushing to talk about his desire to kill his father and topics you never want to talk about. He insisted on discussing his desire to harm his father and other topics you'd rather avoid. He continued to blackmail you, leaving you with no choice but to wait until the final session ended. You allowed him to talk about whatever he pleased while you sat there, pretending to listen. You try your best to give him proper therapy but he was the one who kept pushing away the help that you give. It may sound tolerable but god knows how horrible you feel with every word that’s coming out of his mouth.

 “Nowadays, everyone seems so pathetic. I can't grasp why they constantly attempt to alter society, as if our lives are like a movie capable of transforming the entire universe in a single snap. They should learn to deal with it and adapt to what's happening instead of wasting their effort on making changes while acting like hypocrites themselves.”

“Individuals remain consistent throughout their lives. Scientific evidence indicates that our genetic imprints predefine our existence, our personality, and our decisions. If you're born stupid, you'll continue to live with your stupidity, and it will remain until the end of your life.”

During some of your sessions, you can’t help but to argue with him on how he sees things versus how you see them. You tried to let him understand that life is more than just existing. There is something that he hasn’t seen yet, but he was already the one who refuses to change. 

If your life is not in danger because of him, you will risk everything just to help him recover and change his perspective in life. But that’s not your case because you’re trapped in the palm of his hands. 

It's the last Tuesday of the month, marking the arrival of the final session with him. You've been anxious the whole day, eagerly waiting for it to end. The hours have felt agonizingly long, but you remind yourself that it's the last day, and you need to endure it just a little longer.

“Our deal is off. We’ve completed the remaining session.” You remind him before he steps out of your clinic. “Keep your promise, Jungkook.”

“Days are running fast, I didn’t even notice that it’s the last Tuesday of the month.” He smirked and twisted the doorknob. “See you again soon, Dr. Y/N.”

It’s done. You’ve managed to push him away, but you can’t stop thinking that he still has something against you. He promised that after the final session, he’s done with you but you can’t hold onto that because he’s Jeon Jungkook and dealing with him isn't as easy as you think.

And you were right, because one week hasn’t passed and Jeon Jungkook is already inside your office unannounced.

“What are you doing here?” You spoke with the hint of anger in your voice. “Aren’t we finished with our business?” Jungkook maintained a smirk on his lips as he sat on the black couch.

“Why? Can’t I visit my favorite doctor?” He spread his legs, his eyes met yours in a sultry, lingering glance and a playful smile graced his lips. 

“Jungkook, we have no business here. I have tons of things to do, so, if you still have a conscience left, please, leave already." You remove your reading glass and throw it on your table. 

He licked his lips and tilted his head before he responded. “As far as I know, patients can request additional sessions with their therapist, and that’s why I am here. So technically, I still have business with you.” 

You grimaced, deep furrowed formed on your forehead as your anger intensified. A sly smirk of amusement tugged at the corners of his mouth as he raised an eyebrow in a mocking arch. “You look upset.” He pouted in a mocking way. “It’s too obvious how you hate that idea, Doc.”

“We had a deal, Jungkook. Stick with our deal.” You said with a clenching jaw.

“Yes, it’s still ongoing. We have to finish our sessions and we’re done.” 

“We are done. We’ve completed your 12 sessions.”

“But I asked for another session and it’s legal. Therefore, our deal is still ongoing.” 

Your hands were shaking  while you breathed heavily as if you’re out of air. You want to stand up from your seat and pounce on him. You want to struggle him until he’s out of breath. You wanted to hurt him so badly for you to calm down but you kept your composure, concealing the simmering anger that threatened to erupt.

“You said that you’ll leave me alone after our deal.” Your words were delivered with restraint. 

“That’s true, but I asked for another session, so our business is not yet done.” He smirked.

“Get out!” You can’t control it anymore. It’s too much. He’s too much.

“Oh. You’re kicking a patient out?” He laughs and he gets something in his pocket. “How would people react if they found out that the psychiatrist and a best-selling author that they are looking up, is kicking a patient out.” He faces his phone for you to see that he’s recording the conversation. 

Your mind raced like a hurricane, breath came in short, shallow gasps as your hands can't stop trembling. 

“Why are you doing this to… me?” Your voice caught up your throat, and choked sobs filled the room as you began to let your tears flow from your eyes.

He stood up from his seat as he slowly took a step towards you, putting both of his hands on the platform of your table, leaning towards you. He looks at your eyes with so much intensity that he can practically read your mind.

“I’ve told you already. I just want to continue our sessions until I recover. Is that too much to ask?” He whispers as he pierce his eyes on you. He lifts up his right arm, slowly wiping the tears from your cheeks using the back of his fingers. “Weakness doesn’t suit you, Y/N. So I suggest that you stop with your tears.”

—

If you can only bring back the time where Atty. Kim Namjoon asked you to take Jeon Jungkook as a patient, you’d immediately refuse. If only you knew what kind of a living hell that you will live when you work with him, you would never wish to see him standing in front of you from the first time.

You know that your life won’t be easy when you enter the industry that you are in right now. Life will put you on a test and see if you will survive. You in fact did, not knowing that you haven't even experienced half of what you're going through now in the hands of Jungkook.

You thought that Jungkook was already at his worst, but little did you know that he could deteriorate even further.

His weekly ‘sessions’ became almost every four days. His supposed 90-minute session stretched into a painful 2 hours, and that went on and on. You don’t know when he’ll stop with his madness.

You tried to convince him to stop, but every time you do it, he will always pull his card against you. It’s too much that you can’t take it any longer. You’re getting tired already and it’s consuming you. You’ve already reached the point where you think that what he’s doing to you right now is much worse than what you’d experience if he were to post the recordings you took in public. 

If he can’t be convinced to stop, then you have to do something that will make him stop. You have to take action because if you let him continue to tie you up, you will no longer escape. 

You put your both hands inside the pocket of the coat that you’re wearing right now. It’s getting colder because winter is just around the corner.

Jongno Police Station

The police station stood tall with a large reflective window that had a sense of transparency and modernity. There are people that passed by and police officers standing outside the glass door with cigarettes in their mouth.

You took a deep breath before you took a step towards the entrance. 

“Hello, may I talk to detective Jung?” You speak to the male receptionist as you enter the station. 

“For what reason?”

“I just have to report something about the case he’s handling. I am Y/F/N and a psychiatrist.” You gave him your ID and when he looked at it, he kept on shifting his gaze to you and to the ID.

“Wait for a while. I’ll call detective Jung.” 

You sit in the waiting area as you wait for the person you’re looking for. The receptionist is on a call and you notice that he keeps on glancing at you while he speaks with detective Jung, as you guess.

When you saw detective Jung approaching you, wearing a denim black jacket with his ID, you stood up to greet him.

“Good afternoon, Detective Jung. I apologize for showing up unannounced but I just have to talk to you about something.” You greet as you extend your hand. 

He shook your hand as he smiled so wide, like a ball of sunshine.

“That’s okay. Come, let's talk inside.”

Detective Jung's office was a place for investigating, featuring a comfy leather chair and a sturdy oak desk in the middle. The walls showed years of hard work with awards, old news articles about big cases, and a bulletin board filled with clues and suspects.

He was the one who handled Jungkook’s case, and he’s with Atty. Kim Namjoon when they bring Jungkook to your clinic, asking for you to take him as a patient. 

A decision you wish you never made. 

“So, what brings you here?” Detective Jung asks you when you already settled down on his leather couches. 

“I’ll go straight to the point, Sir. I’d like to talk about Jeon Jungkook, the one you want me to handle as a patient, do you remember?” Detective Jung smiles before nodding so you continue. “He’s responsible for his mother’s death.”

You explained thoroughly on how it happened and he carefully listened to you. It's the first time you’ve talked to anyone regarding this manner and it was as if a heavy weight had been lifted from your shoulder. You wanted to burst out when you explained to him about your situation but you strengthened yourself and went further. 

Telling him gave you a sense of relief because you never expect that you’d come to this, reporting him. You know that the situation may escalate when Jungkook finds out that you’ve reported him but you don’t care anymore. What he’s doing to you is worse than the backlash you’ll experience if the recordings went public. There is nothing worse than dealing with him. 

You ask for a restraining order against Jungkook and Detective Jung assures that Jungkook will pay for his crime. 

You wanted to cry. You should’ve reported him a long time ago but you were overtaken by fear. You were scared of what could happen to you when Jungkook decided to carry out his threat but you can’t live your life with fear forever. 

There are several ways that you can do if the recordings go public. Ask for the help of a security specialist, confront your patients regarding the situation and even report Jungkook with what he did. 

You should focus on eliminating Jeon Jungkook in your life now, and deal with the consequences later. 

You’ve strengthened yourself with the situation that can happen. Asking Detective Jung for help gave you strength and encouragement to stand up against Jungkook.

He may be a psychopath but you’re Y/N, and you’re greater than him. 

Or that’s what you thought. 

Your hopes and courage crumble at your feet as Jungkook visits you the same day.

taglist: @iloverubberduckiez-blog @kingofbodyrolls @fangirl-death-rose @looneybleus @softie00 @yoonjinhusbands @ash07128 @kookiesbunny @cinnikoi @yluv-damara-13 @hoseoksluv89 @darkuni63

[aspd-confessions]

antisocial traits means thinking it's impossible for you to have ever been aggressive and then realising you were extremely verbally and physically aggressive as a child, you're just only verbally aggressive now. whoops.

Same here.

[npd-confessions]

NPD + ASPD vent

Everyone always saying that "you need to do better" and in the same breath going "mental health is hard to change and is a healing porcess". Espcially when they know I'm actively trying to do better. It pisses me the fuck off. Either help me by giving me the reasonable resources I've asked for (personal space to be angry, actually listening to me before insisting you know better(sometimes they do! But I'd also like my point to be stated and discussed before other people start saying shit) not immediately telling me to just fucking cope without putting any effort into finding a solution. And then disrespecting the solution I came up with) or stop fucking claiming to be such a mental health advocate.

GOOOODDDD BARK I FEEL THAT IN MY SOUL. IN MY SOUL I TELL YOU.

Genuinely the only people I’ve actually formed deep bonds with have been people with aspd, and it’s for this exact reason.

If I of all people find it easy to ask “how can I support you with this” and actually follow through with my mentally ill friends— keeping in mind that I experience no empathy, sympathy, and have very little capability for compassion— then how the fuck do prosocials find it so difficult??

It’s honestly bare minimum if you’re gonna even pretend to be marginally accepting of mental illness

My DMs are always open and I do have a discord I’m willing to hand out if anyone wants to be friends. Us folk gotta stick together cause god knows nobody’s gonna look out for us.

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Dumbledore, Tom Riddle, and what makes a psychopath

First of all, I'm not a licensed therapist or psychiatrist, but I love reading things online. I also love analyzing fictional characters, so why not do both and show why Albus Dumbledore shows just as many signs of ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder) as Tom Marvolo Riddle and that both men are much more similar than they'd like to think.

Whats ASPD?

ASPD, also known as Antisocial Personality Disorder, is a personality disorder. This disorder encapsulates both what people commonly call "psychopaths" and "sociopaths" and is actually mischaracterized often. It is a real mental disorder and not all real-life people with ASPD are dangerous to be around like the fictional ones, some live completely lawful murder-free lives. This post is mostly an interesting thought exercise and not meant to be a diagnostic tool or to be seen as how all people with ASPD are.

So, personality disorders refer to mental disorders that affect thought processes, personality, and how a person interacts with the world as a whole. ASPD, as its name suggests, focuses on social interactions. It is categorized by a lack of empathy, a penchant for lying, irresponsibility, and disregard for other's rights or feelings along with a lack of remorse.

All in all it sounds a lot like what we'd associate with Tom Riddle, but Dumbledore fits just as many of the symptoms required for an ASPD diagnosis.

How is ASPD diagnosed?

The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) categorizes and describes how to diagnose all clinically recognized mental illnesses. The DSM-5's diagnostic criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder:

A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

Disregarding the law, indicated by repeatedly committing acts that are grounds for arrest

Being deceitful, indicated by lying repeatedly, using aliases, or conning others for personal gain or pleasure

Acting impulsively or not planning ahead

Being easily provoked or aggressive, indicated by constantly getting into physical fights or assaulting others

Recklessly disregarding their safety or the safety of others

Consistently acting irresponsibly, indicated by quitting a job with no plans for another one or not paying bills

Not feeling remorse, indicated by indifference to or rationalization of hurting or mistreating others

2. The individual is at least age 18 years.

3. Evidence of conduct disorder typically with onset before age 15 years.

4. The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

So let's look at the boys, shall we?

This isn't meant to be a professional diagnosis, I just want to show how similar Tom and Dumbledore are in certain ways neither of them would like to confess and for that, we'll look through the behavior patterns used to diagnose ASPD.

1. Disregarding the law, indicated by repeatedly committing acts that are grounds for arrest

With Tom, this category of behavior is easy to tick off. He murdered multiple people. He led a terrorist organization. He cast illegal dark magic, including all three unforgivables, I don't think anyone would argue Tom didn't do many illegal things.

The thing is, Dumbledore disregards the law just as much, if, in different ways.

The Order of the Phoenix that he leads is an illegal paramilitary group separate from the government that is kept a secret from law enforcement at large and the general population, as shown in the news article leading to the publication of Rita's book:

WHAT was the real purpose of the secret organization known as the Order of the Phoenix?

(DH, 24)

This organization is illegal in their world. Additionally, Dumbledore shows no care for the ministry or its laws once it suits him. (It's not necessarily a bad thing because the Ministry of Magic sucks, but still). He showed as much in all his interactions with people like Fudge and Umbridge, going as far as actually resisting arrest in OotP after the DA was discovered. (again, he is right for doing it, but it still shows a disregard for their law, which I personally consider healthy because it's the Ministry of Magic)

And then, of course, there was Dumbledore's quest for muggle domination with Grindelwald:

Your point about Wizard dominance being FOR THE MUGGLES’ OWN GOOD—this, I think is the crucial point. Yes, we have been given power and yes, that power gives up the right to rule, but it also gives us responsibilities over the ruled. We must stress this point, it will be the foundation stone upon which we build. Where we are opposed, as we surely will be, this must be the basis of all our counterarguments. We seize control FOR THE GREATER GOOD.

(DH, 309)

None of which sounds awfully legal. His intentions back then were to rule over the muggles and take control by force if they had to. Showing that even in his youth, Dumbledore didn't have much consideration for the law.

2. Being deceitful, indicated by lying repeatedly, using aliases, or conning others for personal gain or pleasure

There are many examples of Tom lying for various reasons, I picked out one of them to exibit here:

Riddle laughed his high laugh again. “It was my word against Hagrid’s, Harry. Well, you can imagine how it looked to old Armando Dippet. On the one hand, Tom Riddle, poor but brilliant, parentless but so brave, school prefect, model student . . . on the other hand, big, blundering Hagrid, in trouble every other week, trying to raise werewolf cubs under his bed

(CoS, 288)

But Tom lies a lot. Both at school, at the orphanage, and about his identity. He lies to his followers often and I'd say he also lies to himself, but that's another matter. This category literally mentions using an alias and that is one of the things Tom (or, well, Voldemort) is well known for.

As for Dumbledore, he lies and conceals just as much. Abeforth said he was always this way:

“I can’t leave,” said Harry. “I’ve got a job—” “Give it to someone else!” “I can’t. It’s got to be me, Dumbledore explained it all—” “Oh, did he now? And did he tell you everything, was he honest with you?” Harry wanted with all his heart to say “Yes,” but somehow the simple word would not rise to his lips, Aberforth seemed to know what he was thinking. “I knew my brother, Potter. He learned secrecy at our mother’s knee. Secrets and lies, that’s how we grew up, and Albus. . . he was a natural.”

(DH, 477-478)

The "greater good" was all for the sake of appearances, it was a deception — a lie to make muggle domination more palatable for the general population. He lied in his position as headmaster and in his relationship with Harry:

Not telling Harry about, well, anything, and justifying it to himself by telling himself Harry would be better off not knowing, even when it isn't necessarily true.

Lying to Lockhart to get him in a dangerous position Dumbledore knew he was unfit for.

Lying about Lupin being a werewolf (this one is a lie that does have a good intention behind it, but I count it here anyway)

Lying about the petrifications in 2nd year. Dumbledore was at the school last time the Chamber opened and knew what was going on, still waited for Harry to act.

Same in 1st year. Harry himself says he's pretty sure Dumbledore always knew about Quirrell but wanted to give Harry the chance to face Voldemort.

Lying to Harry about Malfoy not being anything to worry about, even though he knows what's going on. But instead of agreeing there is concern and it is being dealt with he just tries to gaslight Harry.

I can go on, but I think the gist is clear.

3. Acting impulsively or not planning ahead

They are actually both planners when they want to be. But they can also be impulsive on occasion, if more rare for them. We'll consider this a symptom they don't have, mostly.

4. Being easily provoked or aggressive, indicated by constantly getting into physical fights or assaulting others

Now, Tom can get provoked and react aggressively, although, I won't call it easily. Tom actually avoids unnecessary bloodshed when possible:

He saw the small boy’s smile falter as he ran near enough to see beneath the hood of the cloak, saw the fear cloud his painted face. Then the child turned and ran away. . . . Beneath the robe be fingered the hand of his wand. . . One simple movement and the child would never reach his mother. . . but unnecessary, quite unnecessary. . . .

(DH, 295)

I mean, he wouldn't have been prefect and head boy if he constantly got into fights. So I feel safe in saying Tom didn't get into fights often and much of the behavior we see towards his followers is fueled by both general frustration and his feeling they deserve this punishment. These punishments are planned, they aren't often impulsive and in the moment of rage (and when they are, it's only when Harry Potter is involved).

Dumbledore is quite the same. He is capable of getting angry when provoked, but avoids violence he doesn't see as necessary.

We'll consider this a symptom they don't have.

5. Recklessly disregarding their safety or the safety of others

So many times... for both of them...

For Tom:

He clearly doesn't care about most of his Death Eaters, he wouldn't mind if they died and he endangered them often.

He also endagers himself just as much, if not more; by mutilating himself to create Horcruxes.

And by charging into battle himself often.

For Dumbledore:

Dumbledore endangers the Order's safety repeatedly. Yes, they made the decision to join, but he is still the one sending Hagrid to negotiate with the giants and Remus to talk to the werewolves. He is still the one who sends them towards danger and is willing to risk them.

Dumbledore endangers Snape, he manipulates him into the position of a spy and wilfully disregards Snape's safety.

Harry. Just everything, since he placed him on the doorstep of the Dursleys Dumbledore has willfully endangered Harry — from the abuse to setting Harry up to face the various yearly adventures every year.

Dumbledore tells Harry in HBP he takes his student's safety seriously, but he really doesn't: he knows about the Chamber, but still waits for Harry to resolve it, even when students are getting petrified. He knew Malfoy was planning something in HBP, but allowed him to continue with his ploys that sent Katie Bell to St. Mongos for months. There are more, but I think you get the gist.

Dumbledore also endangers himself quite carelessly from how he picked up the ring, his willingness to go into battle, his drinking of the potion in the locket's cave, and his willingness to die for his own plans.

6. Consistently acting irresponsibly, indicated by quitting a job with no plans for another one or not paying bills

We actually see both of them are capable of holding jobs for a long time (Dumbledore at Hogwarts and Tom at Borgin and Burkes) and even when Tom leaves Borgin and Burkes, he has a plan for his leave.

Both show irresponsibility in other ways. Tom allows his Death Eaters to wreak havoc in the ministry in book 7 while he's off chasing the Elder Wand, Dumbledore repeatedly shows how unconcerned he is with the education of the students at Hogwarts (his actual job) by hiring people like Lockhart, who he knew to be a fraud and allowing Umbridge to be hired (he had the Order, he could've convinced the real Mad-Eye Moody to come teach, or even Tonks, but no, he needed to teach Harry a lesson about the ministry so he allowed Umbridge into the school).

7. Not feeling remorse, indicated by indifference to or rationalization of hurting or mistreating others

Well, not feeling remorse is kind of a big part of Tom's character, isn't it:

“It’s your one last chance,” said Harry, “it’s all you’ve got left. . . . I’ve seen what you’ll be otherwise. . . . Be a man . . . try . . . Try for some remorse. . . .” “You dare—?” said Voldemort again.

(DH, 625)

That he isn't sorry for what he did at any point to anyone. Yes, he shows affection to Nagini and Bellatrix, but he takes occasional joy in emberessing Bellatrix.

He truly isn't sorry because he doesn't care. He is indifferent to the suffering of most.

The thing is, Dumbledore is the same.

He shows complete cold disregard for Lockhart's situation after his loss of memories, rationalizing it as "deserved".

As I mentioned, he doesn't care when Katie gets cursed by the necklace or when students get petrified in 2nd year. He allows it to happen because it isn't happening to anyone important.

Dumbledore is hellbent on killing Tom, on utterly destroying him, this is weird for a person who supposedly believes in second chances, especially a person who let Gallert Grindlewald live. Grindelwald had a much higher death count than Voldemort. He killed and hurt way more people, but Dumbledore likes him, so he rationalizes killing Tom, but not Gallert.

He disregards Harry's pain and hurt over Sirius's death:

“Oh yes, you do,” said Dumbledore, still more calmly. “You have now lost your mother, your father, and the closest thing to a parent you have ever known. Of course you care.” “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL!” Harry roared. “YOU — STANDING THERE — YOU —”

(OotP, 824)

He speaks calmly and coldly throughout the whole exchange, just waiting for Harry to calm down enough so he can tell him about the prophecy. Dumbledore doesn't empathize with Harry's pain.

He disregards Harry's abuse:

“Five years ago, then,” continued Dumbledore, as though he had not paused in his story, “you arrived at Hogwarts, neither as happy nor as well nourished as I would have liked, perhaps, yet alive and healthy. You were not a pampered little prince, but as normal a boy as I could have hoped under the circumstances. Thus far, my plan was working well.

(OotP, 837)

He says he knew Harry to be mistreated (and starved!) since 1st year, but he does nothing until 6th year when he needs Harry. No, instead he rationalizes Harry's abuse, it's necessary for the plan, so Harry won't be spoiled, it's for the greater good.

And, of course, he raised Harry like a "pig to slaughter":

“We have protected him because it has been essential to teach him, to raise him, to let him try his strength,” said Dumbledore, his eyes still tight shut. “Meanwhile, the connection between them grows ever stronger, a parasitic growth. Sometimes I have thought he suspects it himself. If I know him, he will have arranged matters so that when he does set out to meet his death, it will truly mean the end of Voldemort.” Dumbledore opened his eyes. Snape looked horrified. “You have kept him alive so that he can die at the right moment?” “Don’t be shocked, Severus. How many men and women have you watched die?” “Lately, only those whom I could not save,” said Snape. He stood up. “You have used me.” “Meaning?” “I have spied for you and lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter’s son safe. Now you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter—” “But this is touching, Severus,” said Dumbledore seriously. “Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?” “For him?” shouted Snape. “Expecto Patronum!”

(DH, 580)

I think it's telling how Severus Snape, who despises the concept of Harry, reacts more sympatheticly and emotionally to Harry's death than Dumbledore. Dumbledore is cold and uncaring, he just calls Snape out for caring as if Snape is in the wrong for reacting the way any human would. Because Dumbledore is cold enough to rationalize any sacrifice he considers necessary.

The last quote was also about how Dumbledore used Severus. He manipulated Snape into oaths and bonds to spy for him and protect Harry. Twisted Snape's guilt to get some use out of him. And for Dumbledore, it was justified, it was for the greater good.

Results

So, Tom got 5/7 for ASPD symptoms, and Dumbledore got 5/7. And you only need 3 for a diagnosis, so, yeah...

What I wanted to talk about and get to with all of this is Tom and Dumbledore's similarities that both of them hate to see. Their despise for each other is partly fueled by it, I think. They look at each other and see some of their own traits mirrored back, but arranged all wrong.

Dumbledore sees the worst version of himself in Tom Riddle and Tom sees their similarities and Dumbledore's hypocrisy to those similarities and hates him for that.

They were both the most brilliant wizards of their respective generations, top students at Hogwarts, when they graduated, Dumbledore planned to go on a tour of the world to study magic abroad like Tom did. They both received offers for ministry positions, which they both declined because they wanted to be professors at Hogwarts. They both lead paramilitary organizations (Death Eaters and the Order of the Phoenix) and they are both willing to make sacrifices in the quest for their goals.

Tom is willing to kill and tear himself up to create Horcruxes because it's necessary in his eyes:

Beneath the robe be fingered the hand of his wand. . . One simple movement and the child would never reach his mother. . . but unnecessary, quite unnecessary. . . .

(DH, 295)

Dumbledore is willing to sacrifice Harry and himself in the quest for the "greater good":

We seize control FOR THE GREATER GOOD.

(DH, 309)

I just find the fact that both of them show psychopathic traits in equal measure in similar ways super interesting. This distorted mirror is so fascinating, especially because the respective characters would despise being compared to each other.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

NPD and ASPD culture is absolutely hating those who are super sensitive. You confessed once that you considered someone as their friend despite you not caring about them and all they heard is the "not caring part". I literally still considered you my friend??? That's an important title I rarely give to anyone and you start sobbing over the other fact, god damn it

.

[brendaareiss]

Andre, Cal, Alex and Eric hc!

- Eric and Cal met in elementary school

- Eric and Alex met before Cal and Andre met

- Andre was extremely jealous of Eric before.

- They're a friend group because of Eric, he knows Cal, he knows Alex, so he just kinda brought Alex to his hang outs with Cal, and Cal brought Andre.

- Alex is really the kind of guy you don't know if he likes you or not. He only shows appreciation to Eric. Cal used to think he hated him, while Andre thought he was a weirdo.

- Eric's hobbie is annoying Andre.

- Andre and Alex's fights are the funniest. Andre would go full screaming and smashing shit around them and Alex would be like: "...are you done?"

- Talking about them, they could go on hours nonstop talking about guns.

- Eric and Cal fight a lot about music tastes. While Eric likes rap, Cal likes rock, they both fight about which genre is better.

- Eric was the first one to know about Andre's attraction to Cal. They were drunk, Eric annoyed Andre to the point he basically shouted he liked him, he immediately started panicking. Eric confessed his attraction to Alex to make him shut the fuck up

- Alex and Cal play the piano and the guitar/sitar together!

- anger issues (Andre) + adhd (Cal) + autism (Alex) + aspd (Eric)

-Alex is the calmer one driving, that's why he always ends up driving. Eric is terrified of Andre's driving skills, and Cal's bored whenever Alex drives.

- birthday headcanons!

Andre /17/07/1982/

Cal /5/02/1983/

Alex /17/02/1983/

Eric /17/07/1983/

- height headcanons!

Cal's the shortest one in the group. Andre is taller than Alex, but Eric is taller than Andre

- One of the reasons of why Eric started being bullied, was being friends with Cal.

- Of course Andre is the fighter of the group. He will get on fights, Eric automatically would start screaming shit like: "YEAH! BEAT HIS ASS ANDRE!", Cal would pick up the camera and start recording while giggling, and Alex would be staring like this: 🧍

- Even being the youngest one, Eric is the one who gets them weed and drugs. Andre is the one who gets the alcohol

- Cal would be fascinated by the way Alex draws, constantly saying how good it looks or how awesome it is.

- Alex loves Mel. When they hang out on Andre's house, Mel is always on Alex lap while Alex pets her.

- Whenever Eric and Andre are bored, they would start playing football with any shit they find laying on the ground. A can, an empty plastic bottle, a little stone, anything.

- Andre's parents (since he is from Germany) lets him drink at 18. They have given Andre small amounts of beer since he was 12, but at 18 he can drink whatever alcohol he wants. Cal, Eric and Alex are slightly jealous of him

I'll probably do more later idk

[regretevator-confessions]

This is in response to Nemelerdo's confession about queer representation in Regretevator: I totally agree that obvious queer rep is good and desirable, but I feel like this is the most obvious you can make it without it tipping over into the accidentally offensive category. Like.. Yeah I knew Gregoriah was trans because I knew Gregoriah is a man and his voice + design read as trans to other trans people. Recognition of the self in the other and all that. The characters are open and obvious about their pronouns and use them in dialogue- I know Pilby is probably nonbinary bc they use they/them, I know Gnarpy uses neopronouns, etc etc. The only canon relationships are mlm exes and two wlw asking each other out. Do you expect these characters to just say "Oh no! I summoned the flood! Also I'm trans btw"? Do you want Pest to tell you he has ASPD as he's like robbing you? I think it would be cute and charming to have like character profiles accessible in-game, but this is literally the most overt queer rep you can get before it spills over into like comically bad. The characters aren't going to tell people who already know their pronouns their pronouns, they aren't going to drop the fact that they have ADHD while you're spritzing them with water, and they won't come out to you while lazering you for annoying them because that would all be like, really weird

(Referring to this)

[ahyesthesufferingoftvteens]

You know I don’t think Kaidam shippers really explore the more unhealthy side of Adam and Kai’s relationship…which is disappointing to me because it sounds like something that would be really fun to explore?

This is a long post, so I’m gonna put the rest under the cut, for those who are interested in hearing me out:

Like in most depictions I see Kaidam as this very cute and fluffy and wholesome ship. Which I absolutely love, and I think Adam and Kai can be like that!

Then I look at the canon material and we have:

- Adam infantilizing Kai. “Very cool, Kai!” Has the same energy of your mom cooing at a shitty drawing of herself that you made for her when you were four.

- Kai pushing Adam away and barking back when Adam tries to control the situation and force Kai on the back-burner. OR when Kai very obviously states that he wants to be left alone and Adam doesn’t respect that request and tries to fix a problem that can’t be fixed in that moment.

- Adam and Kai both having trouble regulating their negative emotions and potentially getting explosive, which once resulted in Kai getting thrown across a forest. Wowza.

- Kai having a strong need for attention and validation that Adam does not notice as an obvious sign of trouble at home and something that Kai needs to talk about and get help with. Instead he interprets it as, “ugh, he’s being annoying again,” and reacts according to that perception.

- Kai outright hinting that Mira and Adam never really…hung out with him before he was invited to their team? And likely still didn’t while he was in their team? He was very likely brought to training sessions but that was it. They’ve never even been in his house before The Hollow Life. Adam very likely did not see Kai as a part of his circle before everything happened.

- Adam saying things that are insensitive to Kai and then not taking Kai’s resulting insecurities seriously and very obviously treating them as something he can quickly fix with a few words, which hints that Adam sees Kai as shallow.

Like, Adam and Kai’s friendship is fucked up. Toxic even, I would say. On one side we potentially have undiagnosed ASPD and OCD, and on the other side we potentially have undiagnosed HPD/BPD and AuDHD. This is a recipe for some DRAMA.

But the fact that no one has ever explored how this shitstorm of a relationship can evolve into something that’s actually healthy (as far as I can see) is sad because the POTENTIAL is INSANE.

Like, just imagine this…

—————

Kai confesses he likes Adam. Adam, who doesn’t take Kai’s feelings seriously, thinks Kai is shallow, and subconsciously views Kai as lesser probably thinks to himself “Awwww he’s a baby bi! You know what? I’ll date him for a little bit. It’s his first guy crush, he’ll be over it in a week. Besides, I’ll be giving him an example of what a good boyfriend should be like!” And meanwhile Kai, who is definitely very into Adam and desperately wants Adam to like him, is trying very very hard to impress and please and help Adam.

Then the PROBLEMS start coming in and Kai sticks it through anyways because he does genuinely like Adam, and he wants to be better for Adam, he just wishes Adam would actually try to be better for him.

So then this relationship lasts for longer than Adam anticipated, but by this point he’s too in deep, and he’s probably starting to actually like Kai back (but he likely doesn’t understand that yet because Adam strikes me as autoromantic with the occasional exception. Romantic feelings? What are those?), so he just kinda lets the relationship continue while not really knowing what to do about all of it.

That is, until Kai SNAPS. Accuses Adam of never actually liking him (which is partially true) and playing with his feelings (which he did) and then when Adam confirms these assumptions Kai breaks up with Adam and blocks his contacts.

And THAT is when Adam realizes he fucked up big time and that the way he views Kai is wrong, and also that he really likes Kai now. This is the funniest part of the story: Adam begging and bargaining with Kai for WEEKS before Kai even considers talking to Adam again. Kai’s first request is the most daunting: Go to therapy, Adam.

So Adam does that despite his protests, because god forbid he loose Kai again. He gets therapy, and works through some of his shitty behaviors. He’s much more self-aware than he was before now. Kai is working through his own issues as well.

More time passes, and Adam and Kai are finally hanging out again. This time Adam tries his damndest to hear Kai out, and Kai is no longer as explosive, but he’s very firm on his boundaries and doesn’t let Adam walk all over him. They start dating again later down the line (happiest day of Adam’s life) and now Adam has a story to tell his grandchildren about how he nearly fumbled the bag with his husband.

—————

This is a gold-mine to me. The sauce is impeccable. Every relationship can have issues: the goal is to work through them together as a team!

Let me see relationships that don’t work out at first but then with dedication the two meet in the middle and are finally deserving of each other!

Let me see relationships that aren’t perfect 100% of the time but are still absolutely great!

Let me see relationships that sucked and the two work their things out, but decide to remain friends because that just works better for them!

Let me see complicated relationships! They’re so fun to read!

…Also this scenario I wrote out is also great potential for Reekai (Sorry. It’s my OTP. I gotta rant about them). Like if you branch off after the break up and Kai starts hanging out with Reeve (who probably ALSO dated Adam once and would understand Kai’s strife.) you get the very funny concept of “Adam’s exes keep dating each other.”

In this scenario, after accepting that he lost Kai, Adam would probably be somewhat proud of the fact that he set Reeve and Kai up…until he remembers that he did so by being a trash boyfriend. Then he’s kinda down on himself until he quickly picks himself back up and strives for the future.

And I mean, who knows? Maybe in the future Reeve and Kai could consider letting Adam date the both of them once they’ve deemed he’s worthy.

There’s a lot of directions this can go guys. The Hollow kids and their relationships with each other are messy! Let’s talk about it!

[googledetective]

my thoughts about the new drdt episode...

I want to start off that this episode has not left me in a great mental state and this piece of fiction is starting to effect my reality in a negative way, currently. I do suffer from mental health issues, so please be sympathetic. If something I say seems too emotional or a bit off, that's likely why. My therapist will be hearing about drdt, lol. No hate towards drdt, it's an amazing project, and I'm amazed at how the piece of fiction is able to make me react in such a way.

1. I am not educated on ASPD or anything like that, so if I say something wrong feel free to correct me. I had a feeling that Levi likely had it from his secret, but this is a cool confirmation. I like that this is represented in a really great way, and that the reactions to his confessions are also very realistic. I like Levi a lot, but now I understand him so much more, and it makes me really appreciate him.

2. I find it interesting how Levi is so detached, as Veronika said, to everything. Even if I was not capable of remorse, I would've remembered killing my own father. I wonder what his father did to be so looked down upon.

2.5. OKAY SO HES KINDA JUST LIKE ME FR. like I stated previously I've had some bad mental health issues in the past to the point I've kicked windshields of cars in and attacked people. It is not my proudest moment, but holy shit I can relate to this a lot. It makes me so good to see someone who's done shit like I've done who's trying to change.

3. Ace really did care about Levi and considered him a friend, which warmed and broke my heart at the same time. I really hope Ace finds another friend, because he deserves to feel some comfort and joy. I hope he learns about Levi's ASPD and realizes Levi has no malicious intent towards him. I find it nice that Ace did really trust and look up to Levi though, it proves him capable of friendship and deeper feelings that people usually overlook. Great complex character.

4. I was shocked that Levi sided with David, but honestly I do too. David is a good person, and we see that later in the ep where he doesn't tell Eden what Arei said.

5. J CALLED OUT HU??? UNEXPECTED. called her a stupid argument moderator. Interesting. I love you J, but watch it.

6. Veronika's secret isn't the worst thing she's ever done- interesting. I think it could be the thing she's the most ashamed of, but you never know. It really breaks my heart for Hu, and I hope we get a backstory on her soon.

I'm coming back after point 14 and adding this: these secrets don't seem to be any of the worst things they've ever done, nor relevant to the killing game (besides "Xander's"). These secrets are personal. I think they each have worse secrets but they are too related to the killing game so they couldn't give those out.

7. Excuse you, David. Freaky ass.

8. that is NOT Teruko's secret 😭😭😭

9. This is seriously rich coming from J, as she usually escalates the situation.

10. Eden's monologue broke my heart. I am so glad David lied to her at the end, or I think Eden's heart would've been broken. This just makes me so sad.

11. "That maybe there would be a world in which we would be friends." I'm sure there would be, since your fans have created worlds that you're dating her.

12. Arei needs to genuinely shut up. This is where I get very upset and irrational. I am so fucking mad at Arei for lying to Eden. For the rest of Eden's life she's going to be wondering what she could've done or if her friendship was enough. Why the fuck would you lie and say you believed you could change, only to come back and admit you know you can't. My heart breaks for Arei though, because I believe she could've changed. This especially makes me so upset because as a previously bad person who relates to Arei and tries to change, I feel like I'm going to give up hope to do so too. Obviously I gotta overpower and not let fiction effect my reality, but it really hurts.

13. Arei's worldview that nobody is a good person mirrors David's (though David excludes Xander). Makes me really sad. I can hope, but there's really no hope left.

14. Well we know who attacked Xander (what the actual fuck). I hope we learn how that ties in later. Eden's hidden quote, "you can never go back, no matter how hard you try." maybe it's referring to this incident instead of the situationship with her friends in the past.

15. Love this.

16. WE HAD A JRUKO MOMENT!!! So happy about this!!!

17. Why the actual fuck does Whit know so much about how that hanging mechanism would work. You're making yourself look so suspicious. High and low were highlighted, which was interesting.

18. Whit said this murder would've been hard if Arei wasn't a willing victim. If she was, this just makes this case even more tragic. She may have convinced herself to give up hope and cooperated with the killer, which pains me a lot. I think this was due to David's secret.

19. I love the carousel bit! And the banter between Arturo and Whit. They had banter last trial too, so that's a continuation. Maybe they'll have a confrontation in the future.

20. NICO FUCKED BRO

21. At this point my only logical conclusion of who I think the killer could be is J.

22. Everyone is bringing up Ace's friend- Taylor! It's seriously throwing me for a loop bc that's my name!

ENDING:

To clarify, I think it's sad that Arei believes she can't change and even started doubting Eden.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

the amount of times i Do This must be a joke at this point but here i am. doing it once more. izaya's highschool videogame SCREAMS "i just found out i have aspd and i am NOT taking it well." and i shall explain how

a preface: wrt "how did he know in high school, don't you have to be 18?" you do.... with the dsm guidelines. japan, iirc, uses a conbination of the dsm and icd to diagnose mental illnesses, and the age stipulation isn't in the icd. also, shinra could have told him, and lbr shinra wouldnt care about strictly adhering to the age thing

anyway i went thru and highlighted different parts of the videogame's text, so i can easier explain which part means what. i'll primarily be focusing on the chronic boredom associated with aspd- since izaya's game deals with patience, most musings in it will be related to that boredom. but the boredom, especially izaya's, IS important, as its the boredom that drives him to do what he does. to be what he is.

(shoutout to miyukiwinter for the scan)

so... the red bit. this relates to izaya's worldview of the need to keep evolving to escape the mundane, and it not mattering if you aim high or low. now at this point, izaya was solidly in some shady shit and clearly on the path of the low aim. but the thing is, about aspd... the boredom is all consuming. you'll do ANYTHING to not be bored. i've seen people say they developed substance abuse problems to escape the boredom, and i confess... i've done it too. it truly is THAT bad

i say all this because... izaya will never be able to stop going lower, and lower, and lower. he's fated to fall forever. maybe he wouldve been able to brush his behavior off as teenage craziness, but with a diagnosis like aspd it becomes increadingly obvious that there is no "oh, i'll mellow out once i reach my 20s." it's not going to happen, at least, not without great effort. and lets be real, nobody has any faith in aspd's recovery rates, less so in the early 2010s, so izaya upon diagnosis would see NO FUTURE for himself. no escape from the cycle. he's trapped.

the blue bits are a bit more vauge, but the undertainty turning to loss evokes the next stage after the initial shock of diagnosis: grief. and make no mistake, there IS a grieving process with mental health diagnoses. you go from being shocked and scared, to being depressed and numb.

but there's... another layer to this, with aspd. you see it with cluster b disorders in general, but aspd is HUGE in the pop culture zeitgeist

the layer is, the idea that People Like That don't feel emotions. that any emotional display is false and an explicit ploy to mainpulate someone

and when this inevitably ends up untrue, you might start to feel... odd... about feeling those emotions people say you can't feel. and one of the biggest emotions aspd gets that with, is fear and by extension, anxiety.

some aspd people genuinely do feel reduced fear! but it's far from being a diagnostic criteria, and aspd can actually be comorbid with anxiety disorders. but scientific facts and wider culture rarely match up, so the idea persists

so izaya might have started to think.... was he ever truly anxious? or worried? was he really more rotten than people thought; was he just mainpulating people the whole time? does he really not feel anxiety? was his nervousness over things like shinra leaving him or hell, this diagnosis, rendered null and void?

and then we reach the teal portion.... despair

(just a sidenote, tumblr has no teal color option so it'll just be blue)

in this sense, "the hole" refers to the endless downward spiral, and his diagnosis- but not just having it. no, "the hole" most likely refers to the moment izaya developed it in the first place.

who are you, if you thought you were in control your whole life, but you found out that the reason you do the things you do were because of foeces beyond your control? who are you now, having a label you know will cause everyone to see you as nothing but a stereotype?

why was he still alive, suffering like this? what point is it to be alive, controlled by something you can't fight, forced to make your life worse and worse and worse, until you die young?

so now what? who did this to him?

in the game, the hatred is towards "the player." and honestly this could have multiple different meanings when applied to izaya's own life

does he hate god? was he raised religious, his father being a christian, and was this what made him lose faith? what loving god would condemn someone to suffer like this?

does he hate his parents? after all, it was their genetics that passed this down, their upbringing that nurtured it, their neglect that made him the way he was. is it their fault?

or... does he hate himself, for being the way that he is? for having it in the first place, for not being able to overcome it, for having such a bad reaction to it?

for being too cowardly to kill himself?

which brings us to the final segment. awareness.

he says outright, the game is depicting the player's life. in the game itself, this ties into his mockery of players, but in a meta sense, it could be a hidden admission that it's depicting his life

especially the talk of meaningless games- fooling around with nakura creating small gangs, betting pools, and his eventual adult pastimes of messing with people. is his life enriched? no, it's merely occupied, and he knows it. he might have repressed it as an adult, but here, in high school, at this moment, he knows.

and if he can never truly alleviate his boredom, never truly be fufilled, then he can act like he's in control all he wants, but he's no better than a man falling in a hole.