#SHE JUST WANT HER MOTHER BE PROUD OF HER

[samtamdan]

This comic is going to FUCKING KILL ME

[trashlie]

ILY FP 258

I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.

Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.

I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!

That's enough rambling, let's jump in.

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who  has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.

Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.

[ferncloud]

hmm i wonder if tumblr user ferncloud likes ferncloud...

/.\ MAYBE...

[crownrots]

[hauntingblue]

Try not to make fights between two women look homoerotic challenge level impossible

[i-am-a-fan]

i heard you are totally normal about the characters you love.

care to share why 👀

This… this sounds like i’m being questioned for saying i’m normal….

BUT TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION!!!!

✨AUTISM (possibly)✨

[perilegs]

i want to write about the complexities of my hawke's relationship with his mom but i think i'd get accused of having mommy issues

[minteaspoon]

The Bastards of Waters

a/n: this is inspired by a fic called watch the world burn by mylordstrong on ao3:)

Summary: Lucerys is bastardized by a king Aemond Targaryen to become Lucerys Waters, who births him bastard sons. Those sons are forced to journey to the Red Keep, away from their beloved mother and homely manse after the King demands them brought to him, as his Stag Queen has only ever birthed him girls in their 15 years of marriage. Luke, humiliated and angry, warns and prepares his children of the dangers they’ll be facing once they step foot within their hateful father’s castle.

a/n 2: uh, luke’s in his “alicent era with a hint of rhaenyra losing her mind era” is all I’m saying for this :)

•._•._•._•._•

•._•._•._•._•

“Keep your brothers in line, Daemon, never let them out of your sight, never let them be alone with anyone in the Keep,” Luke whispers to his eldest, as he clutches the teen’s face harshly. It was the first time Daemon had ever felt pain in his mother’s hold - it was always soft, warm and maternal. He couldn’t blame his faultless mother, he was worried for his children going into unknown and hostile territory after all.

Daemon’s hands shot up to grip his loving mother’s fingers gently, prying them from his face to hold within his own, “I will ensure my brothers never know pain in the Keep, and I promise they’ll be safe and protected as long as I’m still around, mother.”

He can feel his kind mother’s hands shaking, as his eyes stared back into his soft mother’s dark milky hues.

“…All right, I’ll be holding you to that promise,” Luke rasps out, as he frees himself from his son’s tight grip. He cups Daemon’s cheeks, gently this time, with enough warmth he could see his son physically melt in his palms. “Bring you brothers here, I need you all here to tell you of what to expect in that viper’s den.”

“Yes, mother.”

._._._._._.

After getting his brothers into the manse’s main room, all sitting on the sofa, Luke rants and warns his sons of the Red Keep’s dangers.

“You mustn’t be alone nor trust anyone in the Keep, everyone there’s no better than the people in Flea Bottom. They lie, kill, cheat, steal and brag - they will cause you harm and death and suffering. Trusting a person in the Keep, and being vulnerable with any of them is a death sentence in that wretched place,” he starts, pacing back and forth while biting his nails red. “You mustn’t make any mistake, if you do, they will pounce on you for it, humiliate you for it - be as perfect as you can be, and watch and protect each other’s backs. The only ones you can trust in the Keep are yourselves and each other, never forget that.”

Luke can see the fear and hate erupting in the eyes of his children. “Good,” he thought, “that hatred and fear shall keep them alive and protected within the Cursed King’s grasp.”

He knows what he’s doing is wrong, that installing more hate and fear to fester within his own sons might lead to drastic consequences, but he couldn’t careless.

He birthed his sons alone, he taught his sons alone, he entertained his sons alone, he raised his sons alone. If anyone had any problems with how he raised them, full of nothing but spiteful, bitter and frightful contempt for nearly everyone in Westeros - then they should’ve never left him alone to raise his own children as he sees fit.

Luke was quite glad. While he had few friends and loyal followers, he still had allies he knew he could trust.

The many former gold cloaks loyal to his step-father, Daemon Targaryen, trained his sons and vowed to protect both Luke and them - and to join their rebellion when the time comes to fruition. Two of his mother’s handmaidens, who were there for all of her births - and her death - had vowed to ardently stay beside Luke for when the Greens fall, and he or one of his sons takes the throne.

The White Worm - Lady Mysaria - and the whores of Westeros, whom never achieved the peace and equality they were promised by the Black Queen as a result of her death from the traitorous Greens. Nettles, whom seeks revenge for the death of Daemon Targaryen, vows to see the dragon Vhagar and her rider fall in disgrace and dishonor.

Rhaena and Baela, whom quietly gathered allies within the Free Cities, and raised Morning in secrecy away from prying eyes and ears. And the Starks and Arryns, disgraced Houses for their loyalty to the true Queen, Rhaenyra Targaryen, had vowed to see and support Lucerys Waters, the last living son of the rightful heir, sit on the Iron Throne - even if their devotion and fealty were done in secret codes and whispers.

Luke sighs as he halts his rants. Cupping his hands together, he raises them to his face to cover his vicious expression from his beloved sons. Turning his eyes to them, he gently brings his children together, and grips the hands of his youngest, staring in the eyes of all his sons. He finally lets out a final warning in a pale and muted voice; “When the King’s stag wife births the son of the blood of the dragon that he wants, flee as fast and as far away as you can - He will not hesitate to kill all of you, and he will not hesitate to kill me, your mother, either. That man is our family’s ruin and cause of suffering. Do you understand, my loves?”

[lilidawnonthemoon]

[why-fucking-bother-anymore]

I swear I've gone through every emotion known to man.... (And then some) today...

[your-local-granny]

Being critical of art is all fun and games until you are the art that is being critiqued :(

[waitineedaname]

my grandmother has the most insane charisma out of anyone I've met. every time she's left to her own devices, she has befriended some stranger and learned their life story. my granddad and I left her to do some shopping and when we returned, she had befriended a random lady who was giving out samples of olive oil and she had learned where the lady had grown up and what she studied in school and how many languages she spoke. she's friends with all the polish construction workers working on her apartment. they don't speak English and she doesn't speak Polish but they're friends anyway. we ate at a restaurant tonight that she had emailed last week to get a reservation and through those emails she struck a rapport with the manager and he proceeded to flirt with her the whole night. girl your husband is right there!!! he's used to it

[salsflore]

[soldier-poet-king]

Love to be interrogated by my mother about the bad mood she caused. Love crying into my dinner until my nose bleeds. Love snapping and admitting one terrible grievance but forcing down the millions of others because I've learned after more than a decade that things dont ever change in this house, no one is willing to put in the therapy and work and develop any sort of emotional intelligence or even, God forbid, ADMIT that they were wrong and it wasn't just "oh I didn't mean to/I didn't do that". Love being blamed for being in my room all the time, as if that's the cause of all this and not just me desperately trying to survive and keep myself sane and not relapse. Love being the least loved child who is never more than a disappointment! Where a neutral response is the most positive thing I can get and more likely it'll be negative criticism or passive aggression! Not like my perfect brothers and brother's gf who is the better daughter my mother wanted! Love being stuck living with people who are so determined to be unhappy!

Apparently my workout was NOT enough to drain all my anger and hurt, but it'd have to be one hell of a workout to drain a decade and a half of this shit and I can't even do anything dumb and reckless bc I gotta go to work in the morning

[thefinalinagirl]

Thought about Gabriela and Mallick using Spanish pet names for each other, and I am feeling so many feelings...

Like, just imagine her calling him mi corazón (my heart) and him calling her mi vida (my life)!! Or her calling him mi sol (my sun) and him calling her mi luna (my moon)!! Or just them both calling each other mi tesoro (my treasure)!!

[depresseddepot]

yes my sourdough turned out badly and yes my mother laughed at me for failing and YES i am crying like an idiot but i will be so brave about it and i will not let her meanness dissuade me from trying again