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i know we love to rag on Siffrin for feeling so miserably guilty and manipulative for the crime of [checks notes] âdoing nice things for their friends so that theyâll be happy and care about him even if itâs not perfectly sincere on his endâ
but like. in context i donât think that thought process is anywhere near as nonsensical as it always sounds written out like that
iâm sure iâm just stating the obvious here but itâs not really about the âcrimeâ of making people happy. itâs about what heâs not doing, which is anything that would allow their friends to have any real knowledge or agency over the situation theyâre all in.
itâs about never acting according to his real feelings in the moment and letting them see the messier version of him that exists now, never allowing their relationships to evolve or develop meaningfully beyond the âsafestâ iteration, the thing that is Known and produces the Correct Results, because anything else has the possibility of leading to negative emotions towards Siffrin.
Siffrin knows heâs not really doing all this for their benefit, not entirely, because the ârightâ thing to do would give them the full context to choose how they feel and what to do about it. theyâre happy, but in a way they donât get to keep. theyâre happy, but in a way that keeps Siffrin safe from anything more complex and real. theyâre happy, but only because some Siffrin in the past said the right things once, and this new, bitter, lonely, desperate version wouldnât know how to get the âcorrect resultâ without a script to follow. theyâre happy, and it was real once, it meant something once, but not anymore.
they cared about that Siffrin, yes, but would they still care about this one, if they knew? if Siffrin ever allowed them to know? (he wonât, he canât, he refuses.)
and thereâs something that could have been said in favor of Siffrin allowing himself this âselfishnessâ if it made him happy anyway, if it could be a genuine source of comfort in a difficult situationâbut it doesnât! not really! because that guilt is there, because that fear is there, because of how flimsy it all inevitably feels.
so theyâre not doing it for their familyâs benefit, because that happiness is predicated on lies and ignorance. heâs barely doing it for his own benefit, because theyâre torturing themself by revealing things they no longer want to reveal, concealing things they no longer want to conceal, acting out of fear of rejection rather than genuine desire for connection. who benefits from this hollow âkindness,â really?
thatâs why the last loop had to be the ugliest one. Siffrin had to see that the worst could happen and there could still be love and connection on the other side. that even when the party sees the worst of him, when they have the agency heâs been knowingly denying them, they will still choose to love him.
#sometimes when i write things iâm like. people Know this already it doesnât need to be Said#but sometimes you just gotta lay out all your own thoughts and look at em. yâknow?#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#isat meta#mypost#all this to say like.#itâs not manipulative to seek comfort from others or to do nice things with the goal of being liked#but also i Get why siffrin is Like That about the repeated friendquests. especially in act 4#coming back 2 hours later to ramble more in the tags lol#âthey love you because you FORCED them toâ sounds like such an extreme thought to have about the situation#when we KNOW they all love and care for siffrin and did long before the loops started#but theyâre âforcingâ them as in ânot providing any alternatives.â not showing their real self. looping back when things get scary.#saying what works instead of whatâs true.#siffrin isnât some evil mastermind manipulator but that doesnât mean they ARENâT limiting their friendsâ capacity for action#though. again. facing down the end of the world is giving him a HUGE helping hand#in terms of âthe entire party knows Something is wrong but theyâre trying to prioritize the literal life-or-death situation at handâ#siffrin hiding shit pretty much ONLY works as well as it does (aka: badly) because of that
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I'm just saying, Orym knows something about being stuck on the death of your first love. Of being constantly reminded of them and their death, seeing signs of them every day, making it that much harder to get over them.
But now he has found a new love, and despite the seeing Will several times, being reminded of him every time he looks at the moons or swings his sword, he is ready to move forward. "It's pretty great, living a lifetime." He wants to try again.
If anyone would have some wise words for Keyleth to help her get through this, it would be him.
#cr spoilers#critical role#cr3#text post#orym#keyleth#vaxleth#or even yasha#but she knows orym and what he has endured#i need to see them talk#even gilmore#who had to get over vax specifically#who vax would go to before life threatening missions in case he died because he wanted to make sure he wouldn't die with regrets#who didn't know it would be the last time he saw vax when he wished him well but later likely found out that vax knew#living with that. keyleth could easily go to him too#i wonder if getting her mum back maybe added to the false hope she could get vax back too#oh even her dad could help with this#though he did actually get his wife back#so maybe not#im just saying there is hope for keyleth yet#getting over him is a decision she needs to actually conciously make but it is possible#so is not getting over him#if she chooses that#she could seek help or she could not but the ball is entirely in her court
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If Eris meets someone and instantly realises that they are his mate, he knows nothing else of the person, how would he go about it?
i think he would try to take that shit to the grave â theirs or his. the one romantic relationship he is most readily exposed to throughout his life is fraught with abuse, despair, and unwillingness; the open romantic and sexual relationships his brothers participate in look a lot like subjugation; their secret ones, the ones that are genuine and sacred, are under constant threat of exposure; and we all know what happened to jesminda. not to mention being mated to him means becoming an external vulnerability, a heart beating outside of his chest, aching for a hand to reach out and crush it â and there are so many who would see him crippled in such a way. even beyond that, thereâs the hostility a mate would experience amongst the autumn nobility. not while he was around, of course, but if they were ever left alone with all of the fae who wanted so desperately to ascend to power alongside the scion of autumn. so thereâs obviously a lot of reasons he would keep it secret, all of them selfless, even if in the selfishness of the act.
but i do think, in the dark of the night, when the forest house is quiet and none are awake to scent the weakness on the air, he lets himself feel it â the second heartbeat, just outside of his chest. beating much slower than his own, as though in sleep. he imagines what they look like in repose, how they might nestle deeper into their pillow with a furrow between their brow as a dream stirs them towards waking, how he might like to lean forward and press his mouth to it until they settled, there, in the dark, where no one would know but him. and then â and then a servant creeps into his study to tend the hearth, which the ones loyal to him know not to do because he does not like to be disturbed and prefers to do so himself, which means this one is not loyal to him and is here to catch glimpse of what the heir is up to and report back to whoever sent them. (could be beron, could be a brother, could be a high-ranking noble who despises him, could be a high-ranking noble who hopes to slither into his bed. doesnât matter much anymore.) the fantasy lives and dies in that moment, until the pressures of his life close around his chest once more and he must steal another reprieve from the heartbeat beyond, then it lives and dies there over again, again, again.
because the kindest thing eris vanserra can imagine doing for a mate is ensuring they never, ever know.
#ask#acotar#eris vanserra#*eris#THAT BEING SAID#thatâs why we put him in Situations#i have a small kernel of a plot between him and the apothecary he gets his poultices and salves and what have you from#(bc beron often doesnât let him see a healer after he is abused)#((and bc he wouldnât want to be seen as weak besides))#(((why would there be an apothecary when healers exist? healer services are expensive! so few can afford them really.#but the land provides to those who know how to use it. and know how to use it she does)))#and eris realizes theyâre mates#and he is nasty asf to her on purpose#still needs her bc he has never felt such relief as when he uses her remedies but . he is such a dick abt it#doesnât work#his offputting nature and freakish demeanor charm her#thereâs just . such a weird draw to him ! she canât explain it !#and then âŚ. dun dun dun âŚâŚ. beron is seeking a court apothecary. to be helpful of course!#not because someone versed in healing plants would also be versed in their more nefarious cousins. obviously not#and who is the most respected sought-out apothecary nearby? :â˘) yeah itâs erisâs mate#does beron know?#is that why?#eris doesnât know but he uhhhh yeah he cannot let that happen#guess he has to engage with her in a completely normal way that does not make her suspicious or accept the position out of spite#(as if there was a choice)#acotar meta
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Can I give you a hug, Dr. kel?
(He looks like he needs one)
(OOC: Someone else on the ED discord asked this as well so I'll reiterate the answers I gave them to you as well :3) "... A-... I can say yes, right? You're not going to hurt me, are you?"
(when told yes, it's alright, and when he's dolt he's allowed to want a hug... He finally accepts the hug, very shaky the whole time. It's been a while)
(spent a while answering this one because I had to draw just how big his pupils get. big round sad eyes. Hehehe. I think we all wanna hug him hehehe)
#asks#okatalks#cryptid kel#okadraws#I might be describing these eyes as I write some of the later chapters of CotV. be prepared... big round happy eyed balls#he might be a little clingy. I hope you dont mind when he digs his claws in a bit#he just really needs it#also detail here#his whiskers all point forwards when he's seeking contact.#He likes to feel things with his whiskers first before they run into his face#so if you move your hand in front of his face he'll point his whiskers forward to help him judge the distance to your hand#since his eyesight is kinda poor#and they help him see in a way#He actually likes his whiskers a lot#hehe
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I feel like we donât talk about the fact that in canon the reason ghosts are destroyed by water is because water is constantly changing and never confined to one form, while ghosts are the opposite: unable to change, always remaining the way they were when they died. Genuinely one of ninjagoâs best worldbuilding moments imo and also a fantastic way to look at ghosts. Of course youâre going to be angry if youâve died and canât move on from the moment of your death and the very thing thatâs able to destroy you being the embodiment of change⌠A++ concept
#ninjago#ninjago possession#i like to think that the cursed realm and the departed realm differ in this way#like the cursed realm is full of such bitter angry souls because the very fact that they were sent there means they are unable to move on#instead theyâre just there sitting with their resentment and all the anger and general Bad feelings that they had when they died#bc i also think that there were likely very few souls in the cursed realm who died peacefully#(another add-on but i also like to think that the preeminent likes to seek out people who died badly and have reason to be bitter to make#them a deal. âcome with me and i will help you get your vengeanceâ kind of deal)#anyways in the departed realm itâs more like. you go there specifically to make peace with your death basically. thereâs no greater power no#stress just all the time you need to reconnect with the people you knew in life until youâve accepted your death and are at peace
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i think part of my problem is i lived with my best friend for two years of my life and have been searching for the same feeling of joy & acceptance & support ever since
#like Iâve sat down and had a think about it and the times Iâve felt the least lonely in the last 5+ years are when my roommates were close#friends I could pray with/laugh with/cry with/unmask with#something something you canât keep trying to go back somewhere that doesnât exist anymore you need to go forward#but the only way I can see myself thriving is if I can live with people/someone who feel(s) like home#and I know that can come with time and you meet new people and make new friends and settle down somewhere and slowly build yourself a life#but how do you do that without dying along the way#and Iâm here in this new state and Iâm trying to be content but thereâs the very real possibility everything is going to change *again*#later this year and I just. Iâm done I want it all to be over I want to get to find someone and commit my life to them and get to know weâr#weâre gonna figure it out together#and bitterness is so tempting right now bc unless God heals & transforms & really really surprises me#(all of which He CAN do but I just have never thought that was His desire for me); unless that happens I will probably be alone for the#rest of my life#and I can write essays on the importance of platonic friendships and how good and beautiful it is to value them but that grows weaker and#weaker the older you get the more all your friends seek marriage and find their other halves and youâre still. just. There#itâs nearly midnight and I should write a poem instead of processing in the tags of a post but really I may just go to bed#Iâm so glad I have a phone call and prayer group to look forward to tomorrow#and the Bible study tonight was good <3 some things were hard about it but my soul was comforted#and I may have even more questions but at the very least right now I know God is Love#and that is the bottom line of any answer that I seek#âŚ.which I guess maybe loops back to the processing too. I know He is love I know Heâs supposed to be sufficient#so what do you do when that doesnât FEEL like enough#God I believe help my unbelief. please#elle rambles#[y]#/p
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A Biltmore Christmas may be the first Hallmark movie to drive me to fanfic.
#hallmark#a biltmore christmas#time travel#WHERE IS MY POST-CREDITS SCENE SHOWING HOW MARGARET REACTS???#she was one of the best parts of the movie!#you need at least five minutes of her screaming for joy!#also clearly there was a conspiracy of people in the past who knew about the time travel thing so how did that work?#what about that bearded guy on the crew who was CLEARLY another time traveler?#(there is no way that facial hair came from 1947)#also where does the relationship go from there?#how do you adjust?#does tour guide riker help out?#so many unanswered questions can fit into the last scenes of that film and i need answers#also just overall: thanks to people who said this one was worth seeking out because my goodness what a delight#that movie oozed charm#i think maybe my true core fictional love is classic '30s/'40s film because i was digging that vibe#the banter! the patter! the zingers! the perfect blend of cynicism and sentimentality#some of the background stuff was too modern but also some was spot on#that guy who played claude looks like he was born to be a classic Hollywood film star#the leading lady did not fit the vibe at all but she had great chemistry with the movie's leads so i can see why they cast her#the old-timey writer dude was charming#the main lady might be a new favorite hallmark actress (there's only one other on the list)#(watched part of a different film with her in it and she seems to put some of that classic hollywood sass into her roles)#i wasn't sold on the male lead at first but the writing came through for him#when he sits in the chair behind her! when he's trying to guess her personality traits?#charming and absolutely spot-on for the vibe#(the fact that they cast hallmark regulars in the remake is hilarious and also sad because it looks so much worse than the original)#anyway great time had a blast will definitely be rewatching
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okay, but imagine expecting barton to come at you in this bloodied and dirtied surgeon's gown + then you get confronted by him in this (minus the pin)... like see, this is why i like to say that although his sense of fashion is usually understated, he is sometimes extra because this is CUNTY with a capital 'C'!!


#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#GRAND TRAGEDY: aesthetics.#ooc post.#no buttt he may be a villain though there are a few things that barton would never do and one of them is wear something unsightly#unless we're counting clothing that's splashed with blood unsightly but SKSKS ANYWAYS yes this is exactly what his usual outfit-#looks like when he's dressed as the dollmaker so like no i swear to y'all that he isn't dressed in one of those blue surgeon gowns#man's is exuding a fabulous aura even though... well. he's about to commit atrocities BUT hey-#barton really said 'if i'm going to commit multiple class felonies a day then why not look good doing it am i right?' â ď¸#(someone please help this man at least seek the therapy he needs for this asdfghjkl)
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I feel bad for Ravio in your pink bunny au bc the poor guy's bestie comes home, is doing kinda awful, gives up on life and becomes a bunny and then one day just. Is gone. Like.
Ravio's probably freaking out because Legend's been in this slow decline for a while and Ravio has been trying to pull him out of it but just can't and then he vanishes.
Oh yeah it is super rough for poor Ravio! Donât get me wrong, Link is doing terribly too, but Ravio shoulders it all by himself and wont ask for help, which only makes matters worse for both of them. And then he snaps. And Link runs away. And doesnât come back for months. Yeah⌠Ravio very much blames himself for everythingâLink not getting better, and Link leaving him. He can sense heâs still out there and alive (theyâre intertwined after all, two sides of the same coin) but he thinks Link doesnât want to be found. He doesnât want to come home. And now Ravio has deteriorated too.
Iâm the author and I feel terrible for Ravio T.T their reunion in a few months will be very cathartic to write.
To help us all feel better, hereâs a snippet of Ravio finally getting some comfort!
(and of course, my obligatory @thatonecrazysidekick tag!)
(and thank you for the ask!!!!)
***
Fierce squawking. Ravio flinched when Sheerow landed on his head, panicked chirps escaping her. Why had she even bothered to come back? Didnât she know he was awful and broken?
âLeave me alone,â he rasped, his voice strained and wet with tears. âLet me rot.â
âAbsolutely not.â
Ravioâs head snapped up at the new voice. He sat up quickly, scrubbing at his eyes when he saw who it was, her royal purple hair braided down her back and her eyes narrowedâin annoyance? Concern? Ravio couldnât tell when his vision was blurry. Her hands rested over her hips. âHilda! IâermâŚâ
Hildaâs face softened. She made her way over to join him on the bed. Ravio turned away, his cheeks burning darkly. âNo wonder Sheerow came to get me,â Hilda said, her voice much gentler than he deserved. Ravio sniffled, couldnât look at her as shame burned bright within. âWhatâs going on, Bun? You look terrible. And whereâs Link? Why isnât he helping you?â
Her words, so soft, so concerned, made Ravioâs breath hitch all over again. And then he was dissolving into sobs once more, burying his face in his hands to hide himself away from her and wishing she would just leave him alone.
A noise of concern escaped Hilda and she shifted closer. âOh, BunâŚâ She curled an arm around his shoulders, and Ravio⌠Ravio couldnât help himself. He didnât deserve the comfort, but he turned and latched onto her like she was the only thing holding him up in this sea of loneliness and misery; a light in the ever-persistent darkness that had become his life.
Hilda began to run a hand up and down his back, slow and sure. Her other arm squeezed him closer, holding him together as he shuddered and broke to pieces in her arms. âJust let it out, Bun. Iâm here.â
#Ravio is definitely freaking out#heâs been running himself into the ground looking for Link (unsuccessfully)#until one day he genuinely cannot get out of bed#his body wonât move#heâs so tired#this is when Sheerow runs to get Hilda#sheâs had enough of her Ravio suffering#and her comfort isnât enough by itself#at least one of them knows when to seek out help!#writing this chapter was very soothing for me#Ravio desperately needed the comfort#(and to be dragged out of this damn cottage to be taken care of elsewhere!)#OH AND THANK YOU FOR THE ASK#THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU#I love talking about this au and itâs so lovely that Iâm not the only one suffering with the brainrot#have a lovely day!!!#faye talks#faye writes#asks#lu pink bunny au#Ravio#Sheerow#Hilda#lu#linked universe
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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the fun part of anxiety disorders is that i've done a lot of work to not panic about every little thing that my anxiety tells me is happening which can in fact result in fully ignoring a gas leak in my house for multiple hours because this is a common intrusive thought i get and i was trying to stop my reassurance seeking behaviors only for someone else to walk in the house and go "...why does it smell like gas???"
#this plus my dr being very concerned that i wasnt seeking medical help when i wasnt able to breathe a few weeks ago#lmao this month is not ocd friendly#(im fine now. theres no longer a gas leak and i do have a carbon monoxide detector if it got bad enough to set it off)#(however now all of the windows are open which is going to set off my allergies and asthma for the next few days đ really cant win here)#its just dealing with the stress that it seems like all my intrusive thoughts always get validated so that means all of my#intrusive thoughts are real#(this is not true. i know better than that. i just need to calm the fuck down today and deal with one thing at a time)#personal
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Headcanon: Being Bald

It's canonical fact that Ikkaku gets triggered whenever he gets called 'bald'.
As far as he's concerned, he's not bald - but in reality, he obviously is. In fact, save for his eyebrows (which are narrow enough as it is), there's not a speck of hair on Ikkaku's entire body. He is, naturally, completely bald.
This started at an earlier age. While he doesn't have recollection of himself having hair, he knows for a fact he used to have it. But when he was still pre-teen, it all fell off. Ikkaku is one of the few souls who suffers from a medical condition without a physical body (only canonical examples being Jushiro, Kaname, and Sajin - which is plain cursed), and you bet the others around him mocked him for it.
This caused a defensive reaction in him that carries out to this day. Whenever anyone calls him bald, he will get pissed. It's quirky, but it's a display of disrespect that hurts the kid in him that went through watching his own hair fall off early on in life. Truth is, Ikkaku has already fully accepted himself for who he is and what he is -- he wouldn't have achieved Bankai otherwise. But, it's still taboo to call him bald. If asked, he is balding; not bald.
It got to the point where pointing it out to his face is enough. He hates it about himself, and will refute it in-front of others, violently. In fact, that alone is enough to trigger him into battle mode. But, he's also accepted it.
Of course, only a select few can be trusted enough to call him 'bald' in the first place: and that's his Captain, Yumichika and Renji - which he trusts will never call him that in the first place; Iba, with which he is close, and Yachiru and Rangiku - which he can honestly do nothing about. Other than that, it's well-known within the 11th (and the Seireitei itself to an extent) that calling Ikkaku bald, is a fast way of getting your ass kicked.
#|| headcanon#now naturally no muse will know this#though this needs an explanation bc ofc im going to explain the silly comical bits of canon#except it ISN'T just a joke; Ikkaku only released Hozukimaru vs Ichigo - after Ichigo called him bald#so uhh#whether i like it or not - it's in character#and you bet i'm going to explain this and integrate it into his backstory#it helps having a glaring deformation when you're living a thug life#helps you pick fights better#helps you seek to die faster#at least until a certain zaraki comes up and says âlive you fucking idiotâ
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when
whe you, when You were just trying to put i n some extra effort to try adn improve yoursel f and it got misinterpreted as malicious n u get yell ed at

#i'm slow as SHIT at carving the wax when making the dentures#equally bc of time blindness and being meticulous#i am VERY aware of how slow i am and have been working my ass off to try and improve#so when i got told AGAIN that i needed to pick things up#i asked my sis who is also a lab tech how she carves her wax#so she vid called me on lunch to show me how she does it#SO TO TRY AND SHOW MY TRAINER THAT I WAS TRYING TO IMPROVE#i go#oh! my sister suggests i do this and that to improve!#and she gets SUPER MAD AT ME#she GROWLS#LISTEN#you can't keep calling your sister for every little thing#(i'd only done this one other time)#I'M your trainer NOT her#you need to STOP being so damn meticulous and just Pay Attention#and i've tried being patient with you but you need to pick it up#and i was just like#*see above image*#she did apologize later but i think she thought i was like....#trying to undermine her somehow??#by seeking outside help??#bc i'm neurodivergent and asking someone who knows how my brain works??#i know she was just having a bad day probably but having adhd means#Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria#and so i went home like#aheem aheem whimper#nat chats#moi loif#neurodivergent
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#i feel like the worldâs biggest dumbass and i know terminally online brain rot reassurance seeking#but i just agonize myself so much over church stuff#so last sunday at mass lady comes up and taps me on the shoulder âhi iâve noticed you around iâd just like to welcome you to the parishâ#iâve been attending semi-regularly for probably 3 years now but hokay#âwe really need help at the picnicâ okay.#look at least sheâs transparent and whatnot#but i just. i dunno man#itâs so small town everybody knows each other here that even though i attended some parishes for years at a time#nobody knows me or talks to me#the only time they do is when they need something#and at my old parish i was comfortable with everybody so i didnât mind stepping in when somebody needed help?#itâs not that iâm opposed to volunteer work i would actually love to#but picnics. idk man#i get that theyâre fundraisers and thatâs important but any sort of social/extra stuff i kind of donât get the point#not that itâs bad but comparatively unimportant and uninteresting to me#and in the past a church i went to down here were like âyouâre doing this all day.â#no asking. nothing like that#so i wound up running a booth for like 8 hours on my day off#and i quit going after that because i donât want people to have my phone number and expect things from me#who donât even bother to ask me or act like my time matters or i have a life and other things i need to do#which i know is mostly bs cause i donât have a life and my shit can wait#but i donât know why i feel so guilty over this nonsense.#like itâs gonna storm this afternoon and itâs grey and muggy outside so idk what theyâll do anyway#i really really donât want to go wander in and try to find people i donât know so they can tell me what to do all day#but i feel like i should because they asked#even though i donât feel great and know iâd be miserable and stressed the whole time#and that when i came home iâd just dread going back because now people might know me/have seen me and want to get Involved somehow#and i just donât want that! donât like people much! especially certain non-relationship relationships!#but i feel like itâs a sin if i donât#and i know itâs not itâs more generic well not great in the long run
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Damn I just wanted to say the tags on your post really hit meâŚalmost word for word I relate to all of that and Iâve been struggling trying to find a job to keep myself sane. I had a lot of those same thoughts and especially over the pandemic and it was unhealthy and awful and I lost a friendship that meant a lot to me bc of the same feelings you express in your tags. Iâve gotten a lot better, or at least I like to think I have, but learning to live with the knowledge of how you used to be (or at least being more aware of how not to be like that), and knowing you canât turn back time has been hard. Seeking validation and attentionâŚoof that all just hits so terribly home.
I think a lot of people developed a very unhealthy relationship with the internet over the pandemic - thankfully I was an essential worker so my pause in employment was super brief.
It IS hard to reconcile that that was also you but at the end of the day the best you can do is acting different and making a difference in the positive direction. You can't UNDO those actions - so really...moving forward is the ONLY thing to do. & while it doesn't excuse your actions, I do believe some grace needs to be given when it is coming from an unstable place such as mental illness.
I will admit I still have a very unhealthy relationship with validation. Not just online but it is turned up to 11 due to the whole dopamine hit of comments and likes. It used to be BAD, it would make me cry if a post flopped because I felt like people didn't care. It's an INCREDIBLY tough cycle, especially for someone mentally ill, but even for someone neurotypical it's common to descend into unfathomable toxicity in hopes of getting love from internet strangers. I mean recently there was a pretty prominent Vtuber scandal that was the most HORRID behavior all for the sake of being a popular streamer.
The internet is both a place that can really abate loneliness while worsening it in other aspects.
#I think the reason the game hit me was because well...Ame reads as someone very unstable and mentally ill#In college I went to a therapist and was diagnosed after not having any access due to being a minor#and I was on anti-depressants for 4-5 years. Which had made my bipolar a LOT worse. I was extremely unstable#I was surrounded by other toxic individuals. I was completely alone in a different city. I was stressed from college. So while#I will say with my chest I am not proud of how I acted - I can say it wasn't done out of malice but out of a boiling kettle of a brain#My internet relationship only improved when I got an IRL job and group of friends that are very reliable and can provide me stability#as you guys know I struggle with sudden changes in routine VERY BADLY. I NEEDED people I can rely on to just..be no surprises#'Touch grass' is real. I get so restless and bad when i am home with nothing but the net. You NEED to go outside and have irl relationships#I know a lot of people have been bringing up Autism in diagnosis & I dont want to self-dx but I can understand where it's coming from.#I have looked into therapies that could help me in my day to day life but I dont plan to seek out a specialist since I still have a lot of#mental hurdles in regarding asking for help. That & the climate in the world makes me believe that a dx would create barriers in my life#anon#ask
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y'know i was pretty confident that I didn't have depression, until i started learning (about 15 minutes ago) that apparently there's more flavors of depression than the usual Major Depressive Disorder.
so that's...
yeah.
okay.
sure.
:)))))))))
#i need to share some of these random thoughts with someone ASAP or I'll fucking explode so here y'all go lmao#apparently there's a few other disorders/conditions that align with MDD but aren't characterized by such brief and strong symptoms#one being Dysthymia/Persistent-Depressive-Disorder (PDD) and the other being Cyclothymia#i really need to sit down and just make a big giant chart and label all these different conditions and study their symptoms and treatments#then go to my therpaist and be like âhey wtf is all this??? can you help me figure out what tf is goin' on w/ me??â#then go to my psychiatrist and be like âhey so i did all this research and then ran things by my therapist so uhhh how do we fix me??â#I am not one to self-diagnose per se but I still think I need to make an effort to research this on my own first#i love both my therapist and my psychiatrist and they've been great help...#...but also i don't think they had the experience necessary to see past my autistic facade#because unfortunately I'm extremely good at pretending things are okay when they are absolutely not okay#and uhhh hit's kinda fucking killing me IRL and i'm not exaggerating when I say that#in a word where a person must expend their own mental energy to seek education and employment to gain financial capital to afford living...#...and where even personal hobbies involve the self-motivation and energy reserves necessary to engage w/ the things you like to create...#...then i kinda need to figure out the true underlying cause of the âlow energy and bad at doing everythingâ situation I have going on#and fix that ASAP#okay thanks for coming to my ted talk comrades
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