Hips Don’t Lie
Cassie schemes. Bart wears a skirt. Jaime has a crisis.
The skirt is red and falls to his mid-thigh. It swishes and flares as Bart turns to inspect his reflection in the changing room mirror. What had Cassie called it? An “anime girl” skirt? It’s a pretty apt description from what little anime Bart’s watched with Jaime. He grins, enjoying the way the pleats flare as he moves.
Bart was skeptical when Cassie suggested they go shopping together, but he’s glad he took her up on the offer. This is really fun!
He calls over his shoulder, “Alright, I’m ready for you to see!”
“Hit me,” Cassie replies.
He steps out of the changing room, “What do you think?”
Cassie grins at him and claps her hands together, “Damn, boy! You’re rocking that skirt!” Her eyes light up, and Bart can practically see the lightbulb go off, “Ooh, I’m gonna get one too! That way we can match.”
He grins back at her, “Crash!”
...
It is a well-known fact that Cassie Sandsmark is a menace. In fact, she prides herself on it. So when she’d seen the way Jaime and Bart look at each other, she couldn’t not get involved. Of course, she also really does enjoy hanging out with Kid Flash Two: Electric Boogaloo. The kid’s a hoot, and smart as hell. They are deffo going shopping together again, no question.
“Wait here,” she tells him, “I’m gonna give you a rock and roll entrance.”
Bart grins wickedly at her, “Oooh, are you gonna do your radio announcer voice.”
“Hell yeah I am, homie,” she says returning his grin with equal fire. She marches into the living room, where the Outsiders are all lounging on various pieces of furniture.
“Attention! Can I get a drumroll please?!” she shouts. Then, in her best approximation of a 1940′s radio dj, she says, “Please welcome the hottest bitch in town, our very own Bart Allen!”
Bart jumps out of the doorway, starfishing his arms and legs and jazzing his hands, a sunny grin stretched across his face and his skirt fluttering around his legs. God he’s adorable, like a fucking puppy this one is. She just wants to pinch his cheeks, and wow she is turning into her grandma.
The team’s reactions are all positive, as she’d known they would be. None of them are assholes, and if they were she’d kick their asses into next week.
Ed wolf-whistles good-naturedly and Gar gives a big thumbs up, while Virgil nods appreciatively. Tim shakes his head at their dramatics and Vic raises an eyebrow and quirks his lips, but doesn’t say anything.
Dr. Jace looks up from her computer, “You both look very nice,” she says, her voice warm.
Violet beams at them as well, “Yes, and you are both matching! That is very nice!”
Jaime’s reaction is the most satisfying. He takes one look at Bart and his eyes go wide. If Cassie’s not mistaken, and she rarely is, then his brown skin is flushed at the cheeks. She mentally pumps her fist. Score one for Sandsmark! We have a blush, people!
Bart bounds over to his best friend, beaming, “Check it out, her-man-oh! Cassie took me shopping yesterday!” He does a little spin, making the skirt flare out around him. “Isn’t it totally crash?”
Jaime’s stares at Bart and actually bites his lip. Cassie doesn’t think he even realizes he’s doing it. “Oh, wow. Uh, si, yes, very crash,” he stutters, his accent thickening slightly.
Cassie smirks. Her plan is working.
...
Jaime feels like his brain is melting. Bart in a skirt. Bart in a skirt. He doesn’t know how to handle this. The skirt is red and pleated and only reaches Bart’s mid-thigh. And, ay dios mio, the fucking socks! They squeeze Bart’s thighs slightly, and Jaime feels like he’s going to overheat.
“Jaime Reyes,” Khaji Da begins.
“Shut up,” he hisses at the scarab, “I am so not dealing with you right now!”
Bart beams at him. He’s gotten taller in the years he’s been here, tall enough that Jaime has to look up at him. Dios en el cielo, Jaime thinks, he’s fucking cute. Then his brain short circuits again because fuck, he thinks Bart is cute. Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck.
And because the universe hates him personally, Khaji Da chooses that moment to report, “Your vitals indicate that you are experiencing sexual attraction, Jaime Reyes.”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” he thinks desperately. His ears are burning, and he knows his face is probably beet-red.
Khaji Da continues, “Reccomended course of action: copulate with the Bart Allen.”
Jaime makes a strangled, high-pitched noise, his brain coming to a screeching to a halt. “What the fuck? No!” he splutters at the scarab, “Gah, shut up, just no!”
“It is the logical course of action,” it insists.
He can feel his eye start to twitch, “In what world?!”
“I do not see why you are so opposed to this.”
“Because it’s literally the worst possible suggestion ever!”
“Your hormone levels indicate otherwise.”
Jaime snaps. “I am not having sex with Bart!” he shouts.
“Holy shit,” Gar whispers, and Jaime feels all the blood drain from his face.
Fuck, he said that out loud. He said that out loud, with Bart in the room. This is the worst possible timeline.
Bart is staring at him, wide-eyed and red-faced. “What,” the speedster squeaks.
Nope. Jaime is not dealing with this. He is going to find a hole to hide in for the next one hundred years. He turns around and flees the common room.
Bart is following him, and Jaime absolutely cannot deal with that conversation right now (or ever), so he throws open the nearest door. It’s a storage closet, and the irony of that is not lost on Jaime, but beggars can’t be choosers. Unfortunately, Bart just zips up to him and grabs his arm before he can get the door closed.
Bart’s cheeks are still bright red, and when they lock eyes Jaime freezes. Bart opens his mouth to speak, but before he can say anything Cassie shoves them backwards into the closet and shuts the door. As they tumble to the ground in a tangle of limbs, the click of the lock is a funeral knell to Jaime’s ears.
Jaime lands on his back with Bart on top of him, warm and solid against his legs. Bart stares at him. Jaime stares back.
“Uh,” he says intelligently. Bart is practically sitting on his lap, and Jaime silently wills his body not to react. He’s had enough embarrassement for one day.
“Hi,” Bart says. Then, “Your hands are on my waist, Blue.”
Bart is right. Jaime had grabbed Bart out of pure reflex when Cassie pushed them and his hands are still clutching Bart’s waist.
He recoils, “Shit, lo siento, Bart.”
Bart shrugs, “It’s all crash,” he says easily, like any of this is normal.
They sit in silence for a few seconds. “So, ese, you gonna move or what?” Jaime asks, forcing lightness into his voice.
Bart quirks his lips and rolls off of Jaime’s legs. The skirt bunches up as Bart moves, and Jaime catches a glimpse of pale thigh. His face burns, heat rushing down his spine. He leans against the wall, trying to think of anything other than Bart’s weight in his lap. Bart’s eyes flicker to him, then away. Neither of them speak. Jaime stares determinedly at the ceiling. The silence is oppressive, and the tension is thick enough to cut with a knife.
Bart coughs, breaking the silence, “So, uh... Y’wanna tell me what’s going on in that big blue noggin of yours?”
“No,” Jaime replies curtly.
“Oh,” Bart says. He drums his fingers on his thigh, fidgeting. After a minute, “But, Jaime... What happened with you back there?”
“Hijo de puta,” Jaime curses. He should’ve known Bart wouldn’t leave well enough alone. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Bart frowns, “Hey, you’re the one that freaked out and ran.”
“Yeah, because I didn’t want things to be awkward!” he snaps.
Bart stares at him, “You didn’t want things to be awkward. You’re the one that said you wanted to, y’know, with me. I didn’t do anything!”
“Ugghh, I did not say that,” he groans, burying his face in his hands, “Madre de dios, that stupid bug.”
Khaji beeps affrontedly, “I simply stated the obvious.”
“I am NOT talking to you right now,” he snaps.
Bart’s horrorified yelp is almost funny, “The scarab wants to do it with me?!”
Khaji hisses, puffing up in Jaime’s mind like an angry cat, “Organic copulation disgusts me.”
“Again, not talking to you!” he repeats. Then, “No, Bart,” he says aloud, “that’s not what it said.” He grits his teeth, “The scarab thinks I’m attracted to you,” he mumbles from behind his hands.
Silence. Complete silence. Jaime risks a look and sees that Bart’s mouth has fallen open in shock and his eyes are roughly the size of dinner plates.
“Bart?” he says nervously. His chest feels funny and he’s panicking, because he does not want to lose his best friend over something as stupid as this.
Bart blinks at him. His cheeks are flushed again, and he says, “Would that,” he licks his lips, “Would that really be such a bad thing?” He looks down, not meeting Jaime’s eyes.
It’s Jaime’s turn to stare. “What,” he says flatly.
Bart’s shoulders hunch, “I just mean,” he starts, then presses his lips together. “Would that really be so awful? If you liked me?”
Jaime’s head is spinning. This entire day has been one mindfuck after another and he doesn’t know how to handle any of it. He’s so confused and his insides are twisting themselves into knots.
“Mierda, Bart, I don’t know,” he says, “I don’t know how I feel about any of it.” It feels like a confession, though he’s not sure what he’s confessing to.
Bart bites his lip, brow creased. His fingers are drumming so fast they’re a blur and in this moment he looks very small. Jaime wants to reach out, but he doesn’t know how and that scares him.
Finally, Bart meets his gaze. His expression is strange, several different emotions clashing behind his eyes. He crawls up to Jaime, so that they’re nearly nose-to-nose. His hand comes up to cup Jaime’s cheek, and Jaime stills at the contact.
Bart’s words blur together, “CanIjusttrysomething?” He takes a breath, “Can I just try something?”
Sparks dance along Jaime’s spine. Bart’s breath is warm on his face and his hazel eyes are wide and vulnerable. Jaime doesn’t know what he wants, but Bart is so close and he feels fragile all of a sudden. He nods, swallowing, and Bart leans in. Jaime inhales, eyelids fluttering. Bart’s lips are warm against his own, and he instinctively tilts his head to get a better angle. Bart makes a soft noise in the back of his throat that does funny things to Jaime’s chest.
Khaji Da retreats, skittering deep into his mind and hissing with disgust; Jaime huffs a laugh.
This is good. This is really fucking good and he doesn’t want to stop. His hands settle on Bart’s thighs as the hand cradling his cheek slides up to tangle into his hair. Bart sucks at his bottom lip, sending jolts of electricity through him.
Oh, he thinks, Oh wow. He gasps, and then Bart’s tongue is in his mouth and both his hands are in his hair and Jaime stops thinking at all. He growls, pulling Bart into his lap, and the speedster hums approvingly as he slides their tongues together. Bart’s blunt nails rasp over his scalp as he kisses Jaime with all the wild ferocity of a hurricane. He’s vibrating in Jaime’s lap and his hands have moved to his waist, sliding up Jaime’s shirt as he mouths at his jaw.
Jaime pulls back, breaking the kiss with a choked-off moan, “Espera, Bart wait, slow down, por favor chiquito.” Bart stills, his hands burning like a brand against the skin of his chest.
He pulls away and blinks up at Jaime, cheeks flushed and mouth red. “Totally crash,” he breathes, sounding dazed.
Jaime laughs, fondness fizzing in his chest like champagne. He’s drunk on this, on Bart’s hands on his skin and his smile and the high spots of color on his cheeks; he’s drunk on Bart.
Bart grins at him, hazel eyes lighting up, and in that moment he’s brighter than the sun. “If I’d known this is what would happen, I’d’ve asked Cassie to take me shopping a long time ago,” he teases.
“Madre de dios,” Jaime mutters and buries his face in his hands, flustered. Then, “Wait,” he says, hit with a sudden realization, “Cassie fucking planned this,” he hisses and untangles himself from Bart, heading for the closet door.
“You planned this, didn’t you!” he shouts, banging his fist on the closet door. “Chica, I swear if you don’t open this door right now-!” The door swings open to reveal a smug Wonder Girl.
“I can neither confirm nor deny those accusations, my friend,” Cassie says solemnly. She peers over his shoulder at Bart and then back at him, takes in Jaime’s rumpled appearance, and smirks, “Hey it worked, didn’t it?”
Jaime tears at his hair, “That’s not the point! There were a million different ways you could’ve done this, ones that didn’t involve me embarrassing myself in front of the entire goddamn team!”
It’s only just now sinking in that Bart’s not the only one who heard his outburst. Fuck, he’s never gonna live this down, is he?
“Jaime Reyes,” Khaji Da intones, emerging from its self-imposed exile, “Have you finished your copulation?”
“Aghhhh!” he shouts, “Que se joda esto, que se joda usted y que se joda su madre, I am leaving!” He turns to Bart, “You coming, hermano?”
Bart blinks at him again, “Wait, you want me to come with you this time?” He’s on his feet and in front of Jaime before he can blink, looking hopeful.
“Definitely. I’m not leaving you at the mercy of this menace,” he jabs his thumb over his shoulder at Cassie. Swallowing his sudden nerves, he continues, “And I was thinking we could maybe go back to my place and...continue where we left off?”
Bart’s eyes light up, “Oh, absolutely!” His grin is wicked, promising things that make heat flare in Jaime’s gut. “Let’s go,” he says, grabbing Jaime’s wrist.
Jaime doesn’t think he’s ever flown so fast in his entire life.
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SHAKIRA AND CARDI B - PUNTERÍA
Shakira makes comments about Barbie, we make comments about Shakira... Greta Gerwig and Margot Robbie you have 24 hours to release a statement about us to complete the circle...
[5.62]
Harlan Talib Ockey: “Puntería” is a no-thoughts-head-empty ode to sex. Without context, it’s fun, but it’s hard to forget that it just doesn’t have anything like the righteous fury of “Bzrp Music Sessions” or the caustic groove of “Te Felicito.” Cardi puts in an MVP performance, breezily singing a third of the song herself, and it’s ultimately their chemistry that makes this worth it.
[5]
Claire Biddles: This only really livens up when Shakira and Cardi sound like they're in the same room -- I'd love to hear a song where they're riffing off each other the whole way through.
[5]
Leah Isobel: Something about this brings out my cynicism. None of it is bad, and some of it is quite good -- Shakira singing about her G-spot, for instance. I like the trancey "Realiti" synth in the chorus, too. But mostly when I hear this I hear an attempt to recreate "Kiss Me More," and I'm a little Kiss Me Bored.
[5]
Dave Moore: It didn't seem like rocket science to just give Shakira more of the sound she perfected on her Bzrp Music Session (check), then make a mini-album out of it (check) and tack on all the great stuff she put out in the last year or so to fill out the runtime (check). But I would not have guessed the secret weapon on this particular song would be Cardi B taking to the proceedings so naturally that you start to lose track of who's singing when they start passing melody lines back and forth in the second half. So now I also want Cardi B to make a Shakira album.
[8]
Will Adams: Neither disappointing nor surprising that Shaki would follow up an international smash with a redux that sands off its predecessor's edges for the palatable lite-disco of "Say So" or "Lottery" or "Kiss Me More" or (or or or or). The real crime is for a duo of performers as vibrant and charismatic as Shakira and Cardi to sound this boring.
[4]
Isabel Cole: Two stars known for more dramatic modes turn up the sweetness for a frothy little bauble, like the aural equivalent of girls' night. No one sounds like they're working very hard, in a good way; they're having fun, and so am I!
[7]
Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: "Say So"ification comes for even our most charismatic pop stars -- lite retro production, indistinctly horny sentiments, a vague malaise creeping up even as the beat loops jauntily. It's not bad per se -- I will hear this at parties for the next six months and bop my head along without a second of regret tied directly to the song -- but I can't help but feel like there ought to be something more; I'd rather have an ambitious failure of a crossover track (remember the Shakira-Rihanna Ska Explosion?) than a distinctly unmemorable set of pleasantries.
[6]
TA Inskeep: A mildly sexy empty-calories jam that I can't remember I heard five minutes later.
[6]
Nortey Dowuona: David Stewart, who is possibly a millionaire from producing a BTS song you don't know (unless you are hardcore ARMY or a person who listens to a radio station) has now created another song for Shakira you won't remember after this year (unless you are a hardcore Cardi B fan or a person who listens to a radio station). Will this one make him a billionaire? Find out on: BIG, MEGA, FORGETTABLE, RADIO SMASHER. Hosted by Cardi B.
[4]
Ian Mathers: Cardi B singing in Spanish is surprisingly close to Shakira here, when she just takes a chorus near the end if I hadn't been watching the video I might not have noticed the switch until she mentions her own name. Which is not a criticism! I wish I could fit in on a Shakira song, especially a decent one like this, so neatly.
[7]
Alfred Soto: I hear voices like theirs at checkout lines and on FaceTime chats: two distinctly Hispanic lilts crashing against each other like sea spray against rock. Listening to each other is besides the point. "Puntería" reminds me of those exchanges. Pure idiomatic expression for expression's sake, it puts an arm around the listener then ignores her.
[6]
Kayla Beardslee: Apparently scientists still have not found a cure to the "Say So" substitutes epidemic since I last did this bit two months ago. Everyone, our time on this planet as a species is finite: it's up to us to band together and figure out how to de-chintz the pop girl singles before it's too late. “Puntería” is an extremely average addition to the "Say So" imitators’ shelf, but having Shakira on a track will always be worth an extra point. At least I learned a new Spanish word!
[6]
Katherine St. Asaph: EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to an oversight in the selection process, we have covered "Not My Fault" twice. We regret the error.
[4]
[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]
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