#Source: John Mulaney

[wish-incorrect-quotes]

Bazeema: Some people right away give off a vibe of “Do not mess with me.” My vibe is more like “You could pour soup in my lap and I’d probably apologize to you.”

[sundove88]

Project Link Up All Stars- The One Thing You Can’t Replace

Art by @kindabizarretbh

Victor Nefario (Shonen Jump Power Linkage, Linker of Frieza)- Narrating it

Michael DuPont (Mega Man Mega Linkage, Linker of Dr. Wily)- Mr. McNamara

Lucas Daybreak (Mega Man Mega Linkage, Linker of Zero)- Jake McNamara

Various other Linkers from other installments as the Party Guests

Rami Banjarski (Super Smash Bros Power Linkage, Linker of Donkey Kong)- Kid who broke pool table

Kokoda Masuko (Crayon Shin Chan Linkage of Mayhem, Linker of Shin Chan)- Kid who took a crap on the computer

Darren Wilkes (Mega Man Mega Linkage, Linker of Duo)- Chicago Police Officer

Jonathan Rue (Persona Linkage of Light and Dark, Linker of Ren Amamiya/Joker)- Alex

Note: Everyone here is drinking soda and stuff like that.

Another story I heard about myself, this one happened not that long ago. There was this guy at Rivet Bay Middle School whose nephew went to the city’s neighboring high school. His name was Michael DuPont and his nephew Lucas Daybreak went to that high school. He’s a freshman, while I’m a seventh grader. So he’s two years ahead of me.

And Mr. DuPont was a butthole, and one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do, if you are a butthole. And Lucas decided to throw a party at his uncle’s house.

Hurray!

And everyone- us Linkers and their Partner Characters around our cities heard about it and we all got up individually and thought…

“Okay, let's go over there and destroy the place.”

I walked into this party. Everyone I had ever met was there and everyone was drinking soda like it was the end of the world. People were drinking soda like it was the Cybertronian War and Ratchet was coming to saw our legs off. It was totally unsupervised. We were like the Decepticons without Soundwave, we were running wild.

I walked down, I walked down to the basement. They had a pool table in the basement. One Linker took a running start and his Partner Character threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half. Another Linker found out which room was Mr. DuPont’s and went upstairs and his Partner Character took a crap on his computer.

So the party was going great.

I'm standing in the basement, and I'm holding a red cup; you see in movies. And I'm standing there and I'm holding a red cup and I'm starting to black out and I guess someone said like something, something police and in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled: f** Da Police! f** Da Police! And everyone else joined in. A 100 drunk white Linkers yelling “f** Da Police”. With the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and aren't afraid of it anymore, you know that like, I'll serve my nickel, you come and take me, confidence. But white children.

The reason someone had said something, something police was because the police were there. So Officer Darren Wilkes walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling; f** Da Police in his face, but he was almost impressed.

He was like wow, and then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went, get the paddy wagon. And my friend Maximus, who is now a Linker, this man’s got a Partner Character in the form of Cell, he grabbed a Fanta, threw it on the ground, and yelled scatter.

And everyone ran into different directions. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in Ratatouille when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways. We all ran in different directions.

I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now I'm running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought I've never climbed a fence that high before. And then I woke up at home.

On Monday, I went to school because that's what we always do. And I'm walking into the school building and who do I see but Lucas. And he says to me hey, were you at my party on Saturday and I said no, you know, like a liar. And he said things got really outta hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a crap on my uncle’s computer.

But the worst thing, he says; the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandma and my aunt and uncle are freaking out about it. And I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have. Did I do that? I figured no. I wouldn't have done that.

But I was never sure, until after I became a Linker, relax. I'm playing video games with this kid named Jonathan that we also met on the internet with. Few weeks later, we’re Linkers by now. We're playing video games for a couple hours with our Partner Characters, and then Jonathan says to me, hey, come here I want to show you something and he takes me into his bedroom and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have.

He shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people's parties over the years. And I said why? Why do you do this? And Jonathan said, because it's the one thing you can't replace. That's the end of that story, but how screwed up is that right? That's crazy.

[tf2incorrectquotes]

Soldier: Sometimes Spy asks me "What do you think you're doing?!" but he actually just means "stop". Spy doesn't actually want to hear my thought process...

[pkmnincorrectquotes]

Professor Dad AU:

Arven: My dad’s a weird, informal guy. A lot of people ask me if he gave me the sex talk. Yes. I think?

*flashback*

Professor Turo: *preparing to give the talk* Hello.

Baby!Arven: …hi?

Professor Turo: *clears his throat and starts again* Hello, I’m Professor Turo and I’m your father.

Baby!Arven: I know?

Professor Turo: *seems to have forgotten his speech* You know… Leonard Bernstein was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century, but sometimes he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work.

*flash-forward*

Arven: Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that, and I don’t know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a classical composer.

[incorrectringsofpower]

SAURON about GALADRIEL: I would never say that my girlfriend is a bitch and I don’t like her. That’s not true… My girlfriend is a bitch and I like her so much!

.

[urinetownincorrectquotes]

bobby: I'm not gay, but I might be, and I have a girlfriend, and she's a female person.

[unfortunately-a-miraculous-fan]

Marinette: You know, I used to think "How could you kill a human being? How could someone ever bring themselves to do something like that?"

Marinette: And then I found out my boyfriend's dad was Hawkmoth and I was like "Oh, okay. I get it now. I mean, I'm not gonna do it or anything. But I get it now."

[incorrect-niche-quotes]

Likh: Some people give off a vibe like, ‘Do not fuck with me.’ My vibe is more like, ‘Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you.’

[hawkinsincorrect]

Robin Buckley: I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.

[demon-of-the-ancient-world]

Stilgar at the war council: Sit up straight, show some respect Chani: He's smoking cocaine??!? Chani: 'Sit up straight'? He's standing on a forty five degree angle!

[enby-at-the-pyschward]

Awsten,writng Intellectual Property:I'm so horny and angry all the time.

[incorrectblindchannel]

Joel:I'm so horny and angry all the time.

[incorrect-night-world-quotes]

Mary-Lynnette: You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

[incorrect-gaffers-quotes]

Harold: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I’m under.

[low-quality-mae-borowski]

Mae: I'm so sorry about the way I acted last night. It's just that I'm mean and loud.

Mae: It will probably happen again.

[chaoticace2005]

Hazbin Hotel characters as John Mulaney quotes part 4:

(Part 1 2 3)

Vaggie: I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

Husk: I could never dress goth, and don't get me wrong; I'm unhappy. It's not that. It's just that if you're a goth person, every single day you have to put on like, new makeup, and nail polish, and Satan stars. Like I bet you part of the reason goths are so miserable is they wake up every morning and think, "Oh god, I gotta put all that shit back on. Why did I join?"

About Adam: He was kind of moving around the whole time, you know he was like: “Alright! I am too blessed to be stressed! Let’s do it. What are you allergic to? Besides work!”

About Vox: But sometimes he would be gay.

Alastor: I’ll take your advice friend I’ve never listened to before.

Angel: People always ask us… are you gonna have kids. And we say “No.” And then they go “never?! You’re never gonna have kids?” Look I don’t know never. 14 years ago I smoked cocaine before my college graduation. Now I’m scared to get a flu shot. People change.

Lucifer: They go, “No! In fact we’re gonna frame you for murder! And you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years!” And I go, “Why are you doing this to me?!”And they go, “Because we’re Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare.”

Niffty: And without looking up at me my dad just said, “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”