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Dating Misadventure Story 01: XLL - 21.10.2022

Name: Xanthe Lily Lowrie

Age: 20

Instagram (for viewing only): xanthe.lily.lowrie

Date: 21.10.2022

Original Post Date: 24.10.2022

Location: Leeds/York

Purpose of Post:

This personal account is shared on several private forums: one focusing on the Yorkshire dating community (particularly Harrogate, Leeds and York) of potentially unpleasant individuals who use physical, psychological and administrative violence in the context of dating/relationships. Another forum provides general information on domestic abuse and violence inviting a huge number of people to share their stories: serving as an aid to notice and confront the early signs of a potential offender, and escaping/extricating from said offender. Owing to their success, I have decided to share my experience publicly with those who like a sensational read or find their own experiences have parallels with my own but did not have the luck I did, or to avoid being ensnared in psychological manipulations designed to undermine one’s mental welfare and personal volition under the guise of love/romance.

Understand this, toxic people are very predictable because their MO are self centric, depending on the level of intelligence their strategies will be short or long term, and they involve some need to be in control at the expense of their victim, either totally or in specific interpersonal situations usually with attachment, amorousness and the relationship dynamic being at the root. Don’t be overwhelmed by the degree of convolution – it is a smokescreen for this very basic intent despite how elaborate it tries to showcase itself dating sites, social media and in person.

First Date in a Near Year:

The following account is based on my first date in 11 months – a rather unpleasant experience but incredibly useful in ways beyond the scope of the initial experience, not only to myself but hopefully for others too who take the time to read these posts. I all of my 17 years of dating I have never quite had a date whose character and demeanor I found to be intensely offputting based on their superficial attempts to create situations that flatter her own self image and the persona they wished to deceive others with. It was a very strange thing to witness, this weaving of a deception whilst it was so obvious and awkward: if I could sum it up in two words they would be “mosiac" and "disjointed”.

Just for this reason alone, I would reconsider my pursuit of said person but there are many other reasons and causes for concern which I will elaborate on which the majority of you would regard as "red flags" whereas I concluded "hell to the nah" - not what I went on Bumble for.

Throughout, I explore my initial impression of her character and reactive behaviour to forecast their likely choices (as well what motivates them) and how I compare the types of situations that they would attempt to create combined with my basic axioms that constitute the situations I wish to maintain and the importance of protecting the sanctity of one's mental health.

Bumble Dating Experience with Xanthe Lily Lowrie (F20):

For clarity, I (GN33) do not normally write an account of my experiences but this was my first date in a near year furthermore the distaste it created and my personal intense dislike towards this person on a intuitive level was something I wanted to explore for personal insight: not one I am going to forget due to both its content and its implications – in hindsight I dodged a bullet for sure. I had hoped they were more emotional mature alas not the case. Personal standards are there for a reason and I am not here to play "daddy" or be a therapist to someone who has not even begun to accept that they embody a lot of delusions, issues and pain derivative of a harmful toxic parental style.

It has to be emphasised, the main threat for all (but in particular men) are subversive and psychological in nature: hard to identify unless you know what you're looking for and mostly rooted in shame/devaluation (repressed or denied aspects of self): by the time we protest our distress we have already reached our breaking point as a result of the accumulation of micro-aggressions and compromises imposed upon us by an abusive partner who created, with intention, for this blow out and probably has a counter measure, justification and gaslighting narrative prepared.

This is, by no means, gender/sex specific. It is very a common phenomena I have had to address with law-enforcement officers and the judiciary in the past. Especially when dealing with men who are domestic abuse offenders to tease apart the truth of the greater dynamic shared in their relationship (mediating circumstances). Not so much in my personal life, as I tend to instantaneously accurately identify those who are propositioned towards this modality: there have been near misses.

Based on my own academic training and practical experience, I have learned to rapidly assess people quickly on a number of attributes and traits in accordance with the situations I wish to create and also the likelihood of them being a diminishing or detracting factor in terms of personal industry, investments and long term goals. Furthermore, I have my own private journals which explore the sum total of my knowledge as I apply it to my act of self creation and the path I wish to forge in the future on my own terms: and any person who wishes to be included on that mutually shared journey is held under the same scrutiny. This means a lot of people are “seen through” and become, in a greater sense, irrelevant – but attention and time are precious irreversible commodities.

In this account, you will notice that my intuition detects “clues” that predict the nature of a potential relationship with Xanthe: I believe fundamentally she would try to attempt initiate a one-sided trauma bond with herself on the reigns of control masquerading it as some dysfunctional brand of romanticism: she would be the psychological tyrant whereas I would just want to have company and fun. In response to identifying these toxic behaviours I would attempt a dialogue which she would try to use a DARVO approach (Deny Responsibility, Attack, Reverse Roles of Victim and Offender) to gaslight myself into having the problem because dealing with her issues would mean sacrificing both personal control of the situation and the collapse of the person she is trying to convince herself and others that she is without doing the actual shadow work or integration of one's darker selfish nature. I know such a dynamic is a futile approach as she wants someone to affirm the delusions of herself and validate the haphazard nature of her strategy to convince herself through others.

At it's source, in hindsight - Xanthe has some profound identity dysphoria and it comes across as aggressive overly affirming posts on her social media in attempt to control the narrative of herself which she secretly feels the opposite about. With the behaviour predicted, I would try to appeal to the source of it but it would be a futile endeavour for myself as there are things I simply won’t submit or bow to in order to try to get other people to understand: self respect, sense of pride and integral absolutism nor will I violate/compromise my own being.

My time and energy are precious commodities, unless I am being paid to do so or the benefits/likelihood of results is high then I have no interest in investing them - it was way beyond what my initial casual date with Xanthe called for and as such it was a situation I would willingly invite: I have better more fruitful and meaningful things and people in my life to be getting on with. As I detail my account, note Xanthe's gaslighting of the date in the form of a de-evaluative dismissal. It affirmed my suspicions the level of emotional maturity and regard she had for others - it enabled me a glimpse of the hidden tyrant combined her desired self grandiosity.

I have 7 years experience which simultaneously focused on education, domestic abuse, autism, mental health and relationships (the list is not exhaustive) – I did not look for these traits: they appeared through the virtue of Xanthe’s behaviour and statements. My intention was to just relax and not think about my work as opposed to apply it. With the other date I had the following night (update - I am still seeing this person), there was no stress or worry – I had a great time and it served as a comparative reference with my experience with Xanthe from the preceding night.

What I detail are subjective matter of facts which I observed combined with how my subconscious responded to being around her: signs of incompatibility of values, manipulation of would be emotions, and a person’s general sense of authenticity. I prioritize my time, attention and effort as I have a lot of work and future preparation to be getting on with – the nature of my work calls upon a vast cerebral demand and its optimum state is very receptive in general so I do not want to be inviting unnecessary suffering or people who create situations of unnecessary conflict/pain disguised as love/romance like some digitally based Ouija board that presents itself as a dating app. Life is full of unexpected issues and problems without other people inventing them due to unresolved trauma, issues and undiagnosed mental health problems/diagnosis. A majority of people usually want easy answers and comfortable sugar laden half truths so they can resume their capitalist grind without any deep change) and to have their desired ego narrative relatively unchanged: such a person is not my type and be yeeted back into the digital abyss as though we never met. As you can tell, I am not seeking a partner wherein I fulfil the part time therapist role which will probably end up in failure and efforts futile regardless.

Pre-Emptive Safeguards:

I did not go into this date not protecting my identity, the organizations I work for and the people who I am affiliated with: past experience has revealed some people, in the face of rejection are very retaliative and will justify it. Nor did I pry into the background of Xanthe – I would form my judgments based on how I responded to her in moment to avoid preconceptions. I protected my identity by:

1. My first safeguard was a fake surname on my socials – owing to the socially sensitive nature of my work and the conditions of my contract combined with my past experiences of stalkers: it protects me, my employer and those I am affiliated with from any possible interference or sabotage.

2. An additional safeguard, my initial birth name is used for any professional or academic qualifications, jobs and profiles I have amassed over the years until 2022: doing a google search will yield no critical professional information.

3. I did not mention any specifics about what I do: that information was deftly avoided.

Pre-Date:

We spoke for over a week on Bumble and then Instagram, and my intention to meet was to have some drinks and a dance then disappear into the night (not unlike the Batman). Nothing heavy, nothing serious with no expectations except to relax from the few intense weeks of work I had. I had no long term interest or expectations nor wanted to regard the situation as anything more until I had ascertained the trustworthiness of the person concerned. She was young, but it could have been a wholesome night. Basically, no unwanted drama or some consequence later down the line: a nice clean wholesome fun.

It seemed Xanthe had other ideas.

The Date:

So there I was, chilling in my “safe space” bar – chosen because I have membership, I know the staff, the protocols and fellow punters: if I feel uncomfortable I can leave quickly. However I felt this would be a cool spot to share with her as she seems to exhibit some bisexuality and queerness although not overtly affirmed: at this point I was open to share some of my world with her to help her affirm and explore what she expressed an interest in the future. However, due to what has happened I will probably avoid the bar for a good six months until summer to reduce the instance of our paths crossing. Agreed to meet at nine, she arrives 20 minutes late after I told her that there was a lot of traffic and the city was heaving. This oversight made me wonder how much she valued my own time as a person, the thought flitted… she does not know Leeds so that might explain but her tardiness conveyed some lack of respect of my time.

Initial Encounter:

She texts her arrival and I promptly greet her. We meet at the front entrance – it is busy so I suggest getting some drinks and then moving outside. I buy the first round because she does not want to use her card as she thinks she has forgotten her pin, so why not use contactless? Close to her limit? Immediately, I called bullshit but dismissed it but it struck me as irresponsible. All drinks were out of my pocket for the evening – I did not mind however her reasons prickled the beginnings of my mistrust.

On appearance, I was slightly underwhelmed - she was not as attractive as she presented herself online (I felt I had been slightly catfished) and seemed far less confident in person: very awkward in her movements - bordering clumsy. Overall very average and unremarkable. At the same time, she tired to make an effort for the occasion but didn't rise to the standard expected. "Looks aren't everything let's see what she has to say for herself." I thought.

We move outside, sitting at a table with a toupee overhead to shield from the rain… 90 seconds pass in our conversation, I feel this weird cold tug in my chest and my intuition flares: my adrenal system has been activated. I dismiss it: "Maybe I am getting ill?" As we are talking, a vague memory with similar parallels flits in the back of my mind – a deeply unpleasant feeling. I evaluate this slight tightness in my chest as “hmmm… maybe I’m cold?” and I affix the re-routing of my blood to my limbs to that as my body prepares for fight/flight.

Recently, one of my ex’s from 14 years ago made some unsolicited contact after I told her three years ago to leave me alone, when rejected she will retaliate in some socially controlling fashion or try to interfere with my personal affairs (that is a story for another time). However, she is quite the threat as she was a contributing factor to some C-PTSD however I handle the major symptoms quite fine but it takes a longer time (a period of a few weeks) for the deeper neuro-physiological triggers to subside which also impacts how I perceive other people: it augments my hyper-vigilance.

I convey this fact to Xanthe that some of my ex’s have tried to communicate/stalk with me recently so I touch on the subject but she does not seem to handle the topic well and is dismissive. My intention was to forearm her against said resentful individuals, at this point not knowing that she would probably be another one of these individuals if I did date her. She does not seem to understand the potential harm she could be subject to. I can tell from her inexperience that she has not had anyone obsessively try to stalk or interfere with her life post-relationship – otherwise she would have known I was warning her to be careful (yet she herself is a potential offender). She asks, whether I should ask about her ex’s and I respond “If you wish to share that information then you can when you feel it is relevant”. I am not too fussed about her past as I was more preoccupied with seeing her in the present – I wanted to see what kind of person Xanthe was without her creating stories occupying different roles that flatter the persona she wished to create.

Vibe Check:

This was not a first date to me – it was more a mental handshake to determine whether I should even begin to acknowledge her as a potential suitor amongst others. It would be the second date that would be the first one in practice. All that mattered was my lasting impression towards the end of the date as to whether I would continue. Would my suspicions be quelled or would they remain unresolved? So far, I was not convinced – I suggest we go inside to warm up. We do.

Inside:

As we sit, we finish our drinks and I pay for the next round – determined to enjoy the company despite the gnawing dis-ease that was growing in my core. She protests that she will pay me back through a bank transfer or when we meet up again (assuming there would be a next time). The token gesture of her paying me back for around a measly £10 would be nice but I did not really care: t’was a drop in the ocean. Note her eagerness here to meet up again, and the assumption we would. My thoughts were that I was more than happy to pay for the next round but I did not desire repayment if there is some substance to the thoughts I had so fair regarding her nature.

I return to the bar thinking “Awfully bold to assume I would meet up with you again” – where does this audacious assumption come from? Has she never had a man say no to her? I think she has this idea that she was entitled to be the person who does the rejection and won't be able to handle it if she did get rejected. The statement, assuming there would be a next time… As though only her opinion and feelings mattered on situation. That one-sided conceited of her calling the shots – that subtle arrogance surfacing. She had assumed she was the dominant one and was in charge of the situation - yet she did not demonstrate any real power, intellect, charm or even virtue of character: it felt like I was dating a cardboard cut out of a person: maybe I would have had a more enjoyable time looking back if I had took out a sex doll?

I suspect I would have had better company for sure.

A way at the bar, it gave me a moment to think, without speaking to her. In response to how she was behaving and her overestimation of herself and the impression she was making, I decided to draw in any genuine interest and not be so engaging, charming or flattering – but just zen out when I returned with the second lot of drinks, to take a backseat and just vibe with the ambience of the bar. I intended to give the bare minimal level of personal engagement in our conversation as I looked over to the venue whilst I listened to her. Over the next hour, in front of the bars window, I focused on my dis-ease and what it was pointing it’s attention to: my intuition flaring up with every brazen, assuming and inconsistent thing she said.

For the sake of simplification, I’ve extracted the more significant things I observed:

•We briefly discussed her mother and her partner: what was of particular concern was her attitude towards her partner/step-dad about how her mother could do so much better than him and did not really seem to respect her step dad yet he sounded like the main provider for the whole family unit. There was some old fashioned toxic masculinity values she had expressed mainly about the man being the carrier of the family and passively implied what a man should be whilst conveying a general disrepect towards men: there was this entitlement that appeared as this subliminal misandry: the dark face of feminism. From this, I figured a lot of her regard and opinions around men were derivative from her mother's toxic relations and behaviours. Other things she said about her mother suggested some deeper personality and dysregulation issues which Xanthe herself could also embody - with later behavioural responses: this increased the likelihood of what I suspected.

•On the topic of men, Xanthe exhibited a strong distaste to her biological father and her step dad. There was no appreciation of her current step dad but largely a lot of her benefits and life probably were in part owed to 60% of her step father's contribution. With this disdain towards men, it made me consider to what extent this disdain would surface with respect to myself and I would find myself the subject of it after her initial love bombing phase was over (not that I bothered to find out - she was not an attractive enough person to find out).

• She did not take well to being corrected – I pointed out that mycelium was not a plant but a species of fungus. Her response was “yeah, well same thing.” No, they aren’t but onwards: I am not going to give you a biology lesson on how different those two kingdoms are. I do not argue with people who cannot take a factual correction, yet their ego makes them ignorant – the amount of effort to refute a statement of bullshit combined with an adamant ego is a magnitude far more than the effort it took to say initial bullshit. At this point, I just resigned myself to just not argue or point out mistakes. If anything was a RED FLAG for later conversations we could had if we dated long term. I asked myself “If she was being this adamant about an inconsequential fact what would she be like when there were actual things at stake?” It was not the only example but it was the one that was the most obvious.

• An important assessment tool to determine a person’s humility arises from the proof of virtue regarding “truth” is how they respond to uncomfortable realities and their response to being corrected. I ascertained that how she felt was more important than universal realities suggesting her emotional fitness and her appearance of being right was more important than actually being correct. In greater context, it also indicates that Xanthe was likely to be a person of dual standards and would use a half truth to criticize and shame others for the sake of her own sense of satisfaction. At this point, I had decided not to be so open and withdraw my efforts – an inkling of disappointment as I beginning to realize that I was wasting my time. I did not want to encourage any amorous sentiments or accidentally make someone infatuated with me by being jovial and inclusive: a lot of people mistake this as flirting but I just like people – an accidental extrovert.

• I noticed that every time I started talking about a subject in depth she would scattily change the subject. Was this conscious or unconscious? It seemed like she wanted to exhibit some superficial impression of being more informed/intelligent than what she was – but when questioned the subject was changed suggesting that she did not really have an in-depth grasp of what she said she identified with. This was demonstrated when she stated she was into “Paganism” and I was excited so I seized the moment of potential mutual interest thus started talking about magic and spirituality for the subject to be changed once more. It was not the only example, she said she was invited to some Yule thing – and I responded “yeah, the winter solstice.” Overall, it seemed like some bad superficial attempt of appearing more diverse and interested in things than what she genuinely was. It seemed very inauthentic – a person who does not like being corrected and yet tries to exude some sense of intellectualism: struck me as very pretentious and superficial whilst also conveying her vast underestimation of myself that I would not instantly notice it.

• About 5 times during this date I got called “very pretty” - it got old real quick. I had made little effort for our date. Smart casual: as though I was off to the University for a meeting with a colleague or doing some physical experimental therapy. I returned the compliment but I dismissed it as soon as I received it: I get told I am pretty all the time but I really don’t care for the evaluation: it has no real value to me. Want to flatter me - attempt to engage me on my deeper level.

• When she had her second drink, she is starting to get tipsy: her inhibitions and mask drop – her arrogance surfaces again. She proclaimed that she needed control of the relationship – my ears pricked up at that – my intuition and rational mind synchronized. With that, I listened carefully as she gleefully told me that she had to be the one in control and that in sex is the only time she is submissive. Her drink had made her intoxicated on the power of the possible romantic prospects she thought she had secured – blind to my discomfort and increasing disinterest.

It was at this moment, I understood that she had little trust of other people and very little self belief in who she was as a person despite saying “she was happy as the person she was”. It sounded so hollow. Again, I internally sigh. Slightly irritated with this phatic statement and the lack of substance underneath it. I rhetorically thought “if you were so happy with who you are you wouldn’t externalize control of others in a relationship to make yourself feel secure.” flitted into my mind’s eye.

So far, my impression was that she was misandrist who secretly was afraid of her own ordinary nature and lack of general talent whilst also semi aware but in denial of her own issues. I noticed that she tried very hard to be appear more charming and intelligent than she actually was: when tested she did not even demonstrate rudimentary levels of knowledge and skill.

I openly tell her that such a general need for control is based on a personality trait called “Social Dominance Index/Orientation” and that it links to ambition and linear fixed ways of regarding life and the self that have been internalized without much critical thought. I did not mention that those who have a high SDO combined with a lack of interpersonal awareness, empathy and consideration turn out to be people who gaslight. I was beginning to become vexed combined with the apprehension, disappointment and dislike. People with SDO who do not value or respect worldly and the personal truths of others will try to create situations and act in ways superficially that flatter their self image: they gain validation from the reception and affirmation of others which respects to their own self image and will not hesitate to act to get what they want but ultimately it is façade based on inauthenticity, externalization and profound inner insecurity. Their priority is to control events and narrative that their ego can accept, and if control is lost, they will lie or twist events to suit it then seek others to convince of this narrative (Hoovering - presentation of Narcissistic type behaviours). However, I did predict this after my rejection message.

If I was to choose to go beyond this initial meet up, then I would desire someone who does not seek control but rather equilibrium – an externalisation of control of others reveals poor internal emotional dysregulation and aridity within their own inner universe: a lack of firm solid foundation of self. The fact she had not picked up on my distaste was another example of her inability to read other people’s emotions and behaviours: I was masking but in the past some people have been able to pick up on it. She, on the otherhand, did not.

So she sways back from the toilet after going there a few times. After a few bouts of conversation and she went way to the toilet for the last time, I sighed. My general impression about this encounter was that I optimistically voted for a Green Party/Labour candidate and ended up debating with a Conservative/UKIP MP about situations and issues they have never directly seen or experienced themselves. They try to bluster through topics they knew very little about whilst having this unearned confidence that “they did really well.”. Instead of Caroline Lucas or Jeremy Corbyn I got the unpleasant frog neck of Nigel Farage or abhorrent real life Walter otherwise known as Jacob Reese-Mogg. Owing to my mounting dissatisfaction, I had organized to meet my friend shortly and I decided I was going to cut the date short.

When she returned, I chanced a glimpse of her phone and there was a snapchat suggesting that she would go to meet her friends. Phew, she is going to go soon. Based on her behaviour so far, the level of mistrust had reached an alarming level so in order to protect myself from future slander or liable. I recorded our conversation and when I left on my phone just in case. If she lied about what happened between us, I would simply share with her video of when I left with its metadata. Her pull away strategy (leaving early), was later revealed as a strategy to initiate control: short and sweet. She said, and I quote, “to keep you [me] wanting more.” – everything clicked when she said that – I realized what I was dealing with (aside from a spoilt white girl who’s never been told no or experienced rejection). I was eerily reminded of a drunk Arnold J Rimmer (from the cult TV show Red Dwarf) combining uncharismatic advances and fumbling lack of self-aware overconfidence with no read on their intended target’s increasing apprehension and dislike. In response, I decided to pull away and leave the venue but there was no signal to my friend which meant I had to wait a little while until I got one.

Swapping Gender Roles:

Now pause for a second. If she was the man and I was the woman – if I had a guy who was adamant and dismissive of being incorrect, spoke of leaving with the intention “to make me want more” and then lied for free drinks as a courtesy: I would be (and was) severely creeped/insulted out. It was the same as a man, this psychological subtext was there. As mentioned about the psychological violence being subversive and invisible: the dark side of feminism. Yet, Xanthe felt it was perfectly acceptable conduct to behave in this manner. As the self appointed champion of feminist energy and values I am pretty sure she would be out spoken and love to occupy the victim and judgement role of this situation if it was reversed. Naturally, she was a feminist only when it was convenient to her I suspected. The general lack of self awareness was also a massive turn off.

Foul Stench:

The strategy became apparent – it’s distaste fully realized and the gnawing in my gut was borderline physically uncomfortable. There was this impression she had deployed this before or vividly imagined some kind of script with someone else and was falsely sure it would succeed. However she did not know who or what I was at all nor could see into my inner universe: her arrogance was becoming more astoundingly obvious. After this statement, I decided to leave: put up a mask of neutral interest and engagement saying “I would like her to stay and so on” to be polite whilst biting back my tongue. I was hoping she would not invite me to where they were going, I did not want to summon up some feigned interest in a bunch of drunk 18 to 21 year old students at some cheap ass Wetherspoons bar and then have to lie: I had enough of feigning interest at this point to spare her feelings and simply wanted to leave at the earliest opportunity.

"Leaving you wanting more" :

Throughout, I had had been masking my ever increasing distaste until I could make sense of the person that was presented before me, as she was organizing an Uber, I received a text message from from my friend of her location. After her statement of “leaving you wanting more”, it was over for her – the realization of what I had encountered had occurred: it was a little freaky regardless of gender. Realizing she used romance as a subtext for her trying to tease and gain psychological control over their date (victim) - she drunkenly exposed this with her aforementioned statement – obviously not in tune with my distaste becoming more visible. When she thought she “had me”, she was like a shark who smelt blood in the water – the “leave me wanting more” remark was so funny, I laugh now in hindsight but at this point I was intent on removing myself away from her.

Internally, I conclusively thought "No thanks, I have had my fill of the very little you had to offer - I'll let someone else who deserves the bad karma partake of what it is you think you bring to the table." whilst putting on a mask of general polite proclivity to convince her that I was eager to hang out and "it was a shame that she was leaving early". I did not want to provoke a negative response as it was some drama I did not want to engage with.

I'd Rather Just Go

After this statement was made, I decided that I was not going to hang around much longer – it was too uncomfortable to mask my revile and distaste. I stood up and said “Thanks for the night, I might see you soon.”

Immediately she yelled, blurting out “Are we not going to do a round of tequila?”.

I sardonically scoffed “Nope, I rather just be off, thanks.” whilst grinning like a Cheshire cat – it could not be helped.

I had become tired of masking and tolerating her poor behaviour, dual standards and overcompensation of her own insecurity. I barely contained my sassiness - with every step I made towards the back door a grim glee surfaced as I committed to leave. As I excited, I knew I had made the right choice as relief shivered down my spine and the feeling of disease quickly evaporated: I couldn’t help but smile. It was her, the source of my ever increasing discomfort and dislike: the moment I had left the adrenal system stopped activating and there was not this invading pressure in my proximity.

I was confident that I would never see her again after that night, and I was intent in wrapping up any online communication alluding to as such. Throughout, I did not want to quickly judge or jump to conclusions but here was all the evidence I needed from the experience. A lot of my hesitation was that I did not want to judge someone so negatively but I cannot ignore what I know to be true.

Post Date:

From a subjective point of view, post date she behaved in a way I expected she would. Usually, after a date, it becomes clear in hindsight what your thoughts were or you learn, through reflection, what it meant and making sense of the patterns or specific nuances. After I see my friend, talking about the weird nature of what I experienced I thought of messaging her “that I had a nice night”. However, I felt that it was disingenuous for me to say such a thing so I deleted the message I sent. I walked home processing what I had experienced: there was some intrinsic sense of trust lost that went below the baseline I have for strangers – it was quite startling to see this within myself and I queried way as it could be useful in the future to understand this subconscious response that turned out to be eerily accurate. I go to sleep and I wake around 6 am. She has posted a new photo in the early hours of the morning on her Instagram and I noticed she had been looking at my stories – I decided to put her profile on restrict until I sent my departing message. I had a feeling she would try to get me to chase her or be the first to reply. I got on with my day, did some written work, then wrote this for my own journalist records for future reference and entertainment. I am of the opinion shared with one the greatest classic writer’s of all time:

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” (Oscar Wilde by the way).

I did not interact with the profile but my mid afternoon I noticed her attempt of trying to be sexy photo was deleted. Maybe she wanted the attention but since I did not interact or respond with her she took it down. I carried on with my Saturday as usual, went to York, came back. Napped and got ready for another date with someone else for the following night which was far more natural grace and flow: it was very useful to have this immediate contrast to draw a comparison between Xanthe on Friday and my other date on Saturday. Such is the life of a 30 something bachelor.

The Final Rejection Message:

Sunday comes, and I notice she has been orbiting my Instagram stories every few hours (nothing worth mentioning – just basic humour and cats) but not interacting. My Instagram meta data revealed she had been visiting my profile quite a few times as well so she was waiting for a response yet too adamant/stubborn to initiate a conversation. The whole “I am ignoring you ignoring me” type deal surfaced – silly game to play. I smiled to myself, thinking "Are we really behaving like a 13 year old? That afraid of rejection?"

From this, I anticipated that she won’t take rejection at all that well based on arrogance during the date and her mind game of ignorance. She will not take kindly to having her vulnerabilities or her self belief/assumptions questioned – I would say that she will deny that I rejected her and create a story to herself and to her friends: if she lies to her friends about her genuine thoughts and feelings combined with how events really played out then she has betrayed their trust for the sake of her own ego: this person has no integrity and is willing to throw a stranger under a bus for the sake of their own narrow world view and to avoid dealing with inevitable social and personal truths.

Why the Delay?

My initial lack of interaction was born from a lack of certainty of how to approach the situation up until the Sunday afternoon. Based on what I observed I do not think she would take to positive enquiry too well and that it would provoke an argument, her conceit would also make it difficult to address any pathologies that I thought could be there as well and I was not really willing to pretend to date her in order to play therapist or gain sexual access neither: the latter would lower oneself.

I concluded, in a more general sense, that me trying to help or prevent her was futile owing to the resistance at being proven wrong. I shared online my predictions with a handful of friends on Saturday evening to see what their opinions were and to gain insight to my experiences with my meeting with Xanthe: the vasty majority agreed with my insight and were later in awe to the degree of accuracy to which I predicted Xanthe's behaviour after the fact. What I intended to convey in my message were some conclusions I made about her, these are as follows:

• That I was masking my true thoughts and feelings during our meet-up – if Xanthe was benign or trust worthy I would not have intuitively chose this course of action.

• It was going to be an awkward conversation if I delved too much into it and not one she is emotionally/spiritually mature enough for.

• I anticipated her to be dishonest with me and herself, to treat me as an object in response to being rejected: there’s a reason for this relating to her desire to write romantic stories through her degree – to not see other people as people capable of free will and choices – some of these which she will not like: and she will retaliate if a person behaves outside of this limited sphere of what she wants of them just like characters in the story of the desires and egocentricity.

• I have a clear set of immediate life goals and personal academic objectives, I know precisely the types of situations that maintain and augment it: and I know what detracts from it: what Xanthe was offering was not in alignment and would be very disruptive. In order to entertain her I would have to diverge significantly and not be my authentic/ideal self to which my intellectual rigour would be reduced.

• Considering how she was it would be a futile waste of time trying to get her to reflect and turn inward: to actually begin the path of awakening instead of this persona of pseudo-spirituality.

• Xanthe knew there was something in her psychology that was amiss but has not done anything about it, it was alluded to a few times and she even admitted to not being “emotionally stable” after her second drink. I found this to be problematic, as she was involving other people into her problems without herself owning her own issues to which she suspected herself of.

• A message of farewell: to paid heed and caution: I do not prophetize good outcomes as the person she currently revealed herself to be.

• The last line was to warn her that she will re-create harm and suffering in her future relationships due to the aforementioned issues and more. My message to her conveyed the aforementioned as follows:

“Ahoj there, As you can tell, the date did not go that great for you. Sorry, but I don't really feel comfortable around you as a person - I picked up on a few things that weren't conducive to what I'm about and the kind of situation I would like to develop.

There were a few other things as well, but I considered and weighed my options and decided that not really expressing them and taking a position of inaction is best.

I hope you find what you're looking for on Bumble and other saying websites, and I hope you can integrate your obstacles and pathology in a way that doesn't harm too many people.

A lot of my friends suggested I ghost you but it is not my style.”

I did not really see too much of an issue with my message – it was blunt and to the point: but after what I observed and concluded I figured it was best to not invite further involvement.

Now, there was four options to this: the most likely I predicted with be deflection combined with demeaning which would confirm my evaluation and the type of person she was. The other three were, genuine concern (would have been astounded by this – as she was very self centric about her own needs and did not offer anything through the entire duration of our interaction), ignorance completely or an argument about “how she felt the same way too” or some outright attack on my person and character directly. In essence, it was a test of both empathy and maturity to which she failed.

She blocked after saying: “Lol you're wierd”

The misspelling of weird suggested there was some haste in that message but I did not think too much about it – the fact she blocked amused me though: did my rejection of her hurt her that much? I was going to say to her to have a natter from time to time because I foresaw her having a hard time due to her issues in future relationships to the point it will interfere with her life: primarily her studies. I believe the way she reacted had two purposes – to set the stage of the idea that if I pursue her that I was the one that would be interested and that she was the one in control in the way she dismissed: I had no interest in doing so - when I sent the message I had already accepted this was the likely outcome, if she responded more maturely we might have been decent acquaintances. I had other more interesting romantic candidates to focus on.

Her reaction conveyed her disappointment and hurt - she wanted to lower my vibration in the same way I did her: it was a last futile attempt at controlling the situation through an out of demeaning dismissal that was not hers to decide. Instead, of addressing my discomfort or the fact that our encounter might have caused suffering she chose her own ego over through genuine compassion. If there was anything that cemented the fact my decision was correct it was this choice she made which was exclusive to her alone, rather than querying her own behaviour as what made me feel so uncomfortable. I expected it – it closed down the possibility of me wanting to help her as I knew the choice she at that point was to lie and try to convince herself that she was in control: I do not think anyone has ever rejected her before judging by the behaviour. There was some hint to rejection sensitivity dysphoria from this response but also an intolerance to being bested or outsmarted in interpersonal domains: I knew the game she was going to try to play and executed the winning move "to not play" .

She had humiliated herself on her date and here on social media when she chose this as her method of (not) dealing with the situation authentically or truthfully. Again, I saw through it. I knew where I was coming from and certain in my assessment of who she was and who she chose to be in respect to oneself: I don’t have any problem as I had other people who I dated over the weekend and others who I would date in the future who had far more to say about themselves and their lives.

In her head, she has tried to cheat the situation by pretending that she just ghosted after her date but she was obsessively viewing my profile and Instagram stories periodically up until I sent my last message: her record of her being in control or being the rejected party has been destroyed up to this point. I had hoped to give her the option to have a “natter every now and again” to maybe mediate her experiences but she was too proud and hurt to entertain it: too bitter and resentful. The “If I can’t have you, then I will hurt you” mentality – subconsciously seeing me as a commodity that rebelled so trying to punish me in response: I have to humorously point out...

...that the date itself was the punishment.

I had a hard time masking my amusement at this point, on one hand I accurately saw someone who they truly are and my superficial assessment was on the money (thanks to the “tool” I designed) whilst on the other I found it funny yet pathetic at how audacious and inconsistent her attention seeking, orbiting and then deflect/denial dismiss response was. Her behaviour did not match up with her account nor the impression she tried to create. She did not have anything of substance to say in response so chose to try to call me “wierd”. Feeble!

Never been told "No" - Spoilt White Girl Complex:

It is almost like she has never met a man before that knows their own mind, standards and what they want to maintain/create in their lives. Given the “wierd” (weird) aforementioned account and experience I concluded that I should share my account for others – however I am not interested in a response to it. I know what I observed and what the implications of the behaviour – she would drag other people into her own toxic abuse patterns whilst gaslighting it as romantic thus furthering her own confusion to the point it will globally impact her life. She believes she is fine as the way she is, but usually people who think that tend to not develop themselves earnestly nor see the ramifications of their own behaviour until it stops them getting what they want – not because they developed empathy or some moral fibre. She does not honour truth from something as mere as single date – she does not honour nor seek truth in all areas of life preferring a comfortable lie and convince herself.

Imagine if I had dated her for a while (weeks to months) and developed some emotional bond with her – and discovered this? How harrowing an idea! She will be punished by her own lack of integrity as she becomes full circle to the same place without growth. This is the crux of her karma. Due to knowing myself, what I wished to maintain and achieve and contrasting it with the behaviours/situations she offered. She believed herself deserving of me but she was not worthy – she has not even begun to have the ideological collapse associated with having her world view changed and being held accountable to her own behaviour. I hope, one day, that she does – for her own sake but it will not come at my expense but at the expense of some other more deserving shmuck.

Closing Personal Thoughts:

Xanthe Lily Lowrie went into that situation mistaking my general sense of inclusion and curious nature as something far more than what it was and got her expectations up whilst also mistaking it as being invested in the idea of her. From a personal perspective, it is absurd to even begin to invest or regard someone in a romantic or infatuation until some sense of trust is established which can only be obtained through factual acts of respect, worthiness and honouring the place within each of us which lies in the other. With the abundance of opportunities and time I have created for myself there is no reason for me to tolerate someone who falls short of the standards I have established for myself and the criteria underpinning the future to which I create. If a person wishes to be a part of this story then they need to be worthy – and I am beholden to that statement as much as its enunciator.

I theorize that she saw me as a gateway to a number of opportunities with respect to her own writing prospects and would try to exercise some leverage to get what she wanted until she could be independent – as such I would summarise her as a person who facilitates opportunity and material resource based usury until she obtains what she selfishly wants. I do not see her being a person who gives much of herself nor has much to offer others but will demand or attempt to deceive her way to what she wants. Her superficial positive hippy vibe is based on an intolerance and dysregulation of her own emotions and she will only accept/entertain things that she deems as positive or make her feel good whether they are true or not.

Some of what I base my conjecture regarding Xanthe is actually derived from what she holds to do with her “Creative Writing Degree” at Leeds Arts University (initially she said Leeds University but lied) is that she wants to write Romance novels filled with secrets, betrayals and lies. In a weird way, this is quite a charming unique individual quirk but based on her interactions with me a couple of thoughts sprang into mind. Does she know the true extent of the emotions, turmoil and despair that comes with the territory of such hardships? Would she trivialize or even romanticize such relationship crises that result in the profound dilemmas of the self to point they can almost (and sometimes) take the very soul from oneself? She did not behave nor act in way that would suggest any direct experiences to such scenarios but then wishes to write about them? How out of touch is this person? I found it borderline offensive since I have worked with both domestic abuse offenders and victims – to have their experiences reduced to some novella from some out of touch 20 year old girl? Sounds like the female feminist wannabe equivalent of Jim Theis’ The Eye of Argon.

The Standard of Friendship serves as the Bare Minimum:

Any friends I have, are devoted to a level of personal and moral development – there is an honesty and general sense of humility that appears when one comes to term with failure, mistakes, loss and bereavement. From a personal point of view, it is inconceivable for me to lie or twist events to myself – accept the facts and change the future, that is all I ever do. As such, Xanthe demonstrated a lack of courage to face awkward situations and the courage to accept negative events: and as such has not gained my respect. Her approach is to twist events and facts with herself in controlling the narrative, such is her ego. I am constantly astounded at the degree people will deny and lie about what is actually happening even to themselves – such people I have little respect of and generally avoid having anything more than a superficial interaction with based on necessity.

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C. G. Jung:

She behaves in away that will draw abuse and trauma to herself because she creates it in the dynamics of the situations she wants and how she forces them into being. A lot of the time, I think she will think "this is opportunity to make myself look good and like an aspirational leader." but really she is just a opportunity hog for shameless narcissistic self promotion so she can control the narrative about oneself. The fact she struggled with the rejection and tried to behave in way that hedged her bets was evidential and was not fooling anyone. She was ill-prepared for who I was and seemed to have completely underestimated me – the truth be told that she was only thinking of herself as she did not predict the nature of my reaction or response. And she will view any interaction I would try to have with her as stalking or so on as that is the only narrative she could accept when in fact: she would flip the situation and roles protect her fragile ego however such self deceit comes full circle. She will end up back where she started with worse far reaching consequences. Whether it is a good or bad thing, but I doubt she will meet another fellow like myself – with zero return and zero consequence. I got what I wanted, I went on a date – fucked around – found out what I wanted to know and made an informed decision to not continue dating said person. Life will continue as I directed whereas hers? Who knows.

Moving Forward:

My resulting thoughts on the situation were that this person needs to seek a diagnosis for their current state (due to the nature of it – they adamantly will not) and will blame or find fault with the intention to demean/invalidate the choices and views of other people for being rejected, their problems and interpersonal hardships. I think, due to how she is as a person (from my direct experience, social media and general conversations) that she will only be forced to reconcile her issues when it stops her from completing university tasks and it impacts both the quality of the men she is interested in combined with the poor quality, lack of sincerity and constant instability in her relationship dynamics. As her relationships fail, I imagine she will attempt more overt and promiscuous means to secure what she wants but it will only attract people who will end up exploiting her. Any man who tolerates these types of behaviours and disrespect will not have discovered self respect, have high self esteem, come from a place of self perceived scarcity and will not be who they say they are. The irony being that only a low value individual will tolerate it or a person who knows to how to exploit it with very little personal investment for sex or someother misleading end at her expense. I am sure she will do a form of hoovering (convince others of her story for reassurance), I suspect that she will go so far to deny my academic and professional accreditations/achievements, if she does this then her level of intolerance to what I did and said would be bordering on the pathological and point to a Borderline Personality Disorder with narcissistic presentations of self aggrandization through the denial of expertise/substance that I embodied in my decision making. Her goal here would be to reassure herself that my perspective, the facts and opinions I based my judgment on were invalid: it is more projection of what she wants to believe to be true as opposed to actually being true. Any message I could send her potentially will be interpreted as stalking (even though I said in my main message that was it for me) because she wishes that was the case that I desired her and she rejected me. This would be an allusion to rejection sensitivity dysphoria which is endemic to those with BPD, PTSD and ADHD but I am not making any statements regarding this: the issue is more complex than that. She would be too proud to ever admit that I hurt her and defied her expectations – she will demonize and pretend that I had no significance and what I do is weird/stalkerish: but she plays herself because she will recreate this situation with someone else and the core issues remain undiscovered until they have already damaged her efforts of what she wanted to create for herself.

Xanthe's Persona - Overestimation of Self:

Xanthe went into that situation mistaking my general sense of inclusion and my default curious nature as something far more than what it was and got her expectations up whilst also mistaking it as being invested in the idea of her. From a personal perspective, it is absurd to even begin to invest or regard someone in a romantic or infatuation until some sense of trust is established which can only be obtained through factual acts of respect, worthiness and honouring the place within each of us which lies in the other. Her intention was to establish a one-sided power dynamic as the status quo in the relationship, assuming her self as the dominant one already without really understanding or comprehending myself as being a dominant personality that operates in a more subtle and self assured way. The need to control the relationship comes from both a fear of rejection, some form of past abuse that took advantage of her attachment in the past and inability to emotionally regulate: based on this I suspect there is rejection sensitivity dysphoria especially after what occurred post date (see aforementioned). Just because she got a date and I was engaging with her she thought she it was secure but the fact this was the case revealed to me her naivety, conceit and foretold the kind of dynamics/situations she intended to create with me.

Throughout our interaction, every action she did lacked spontaneity and appeared to obey some framework. She did not respond well to spontaneity of actions or anything I did: a lot of her approach seemed pre-planned or scripted with a specific result. As a result, the whole thing seemed very controlled orientated from her especially towards the end and on my final impression of her on social media. This control of both others, the situation and the narrative seemed to be an attempt to externalize her emotions and expectations through the manipulation of others hence the lopsided need for control – but this was based on a lack of personal self emotional regulation and expectations so she tried to do as much as she could to “subtly” gain my interest which was also a tactic which she deployed online (overtly sexual photos but I told her that I was not that into that but I still found her pretty). It only really became apparent towards our actual date this was the case and she had a clear rigid agenda that would have come at my expense: I think she would throw me under a bus (metaphorically) if I did not do what she wanted and tried to control myself. I think this comes a lack of a concrete sense of being and self, being able to accept and be oneself and as such she attempted to control others to mediate her own desires and avoid sadness/disappointment. There was a fear of me in her actions that she communicated through this approach: rejection and freewill – when she thought she had my interest (due to drink) it was most apparent that she did not regard me as a freethinking person capable of acting out of her projected scenario. I was not really thinking so in depth about my behaviour or actions but rather just resuming my current life path uninterrupted and removing a distraction. You can’t manipulate or strategise people into liking you – you have to trust they see the beauty and value of who you are as person.

Inauthentic Love - the Violation of Personal Volition:

There is this culture amongst many young people and Xanthe demonstrates it in a very discrete way, that they think they can emotionally and strategically create situations within a relationship that attempt to psychologically string and ensnare the people they intend to date. What they fail to realize is that if a victim has been manipulated to like them or dote upon them, their emotions and the way they perceives things are not authentically or freely chosen: they don’t like you because they chose to but because they has been psychologically deceived and hijacked based on their own self esteem and insecurities (most men have them, deal with it). It is not real, and towards the end of relationship or after it – they realizes the deception and the regret stings. It is why there are so many tales of an attractive figures seduce people (excluding Gaunt) into situations of self compromise (Garden of Eden, Siren’s, Mermaids and even in Harry Potter regarding Tom Marvolo’s Mother Merope Gaunt) – the seduction and deception go hand in hand: the sorceress or enchantress intention haunts the more ambitious and controlling of women and the trait that connects these women is desperation and social dominance orientation wherein they imagine themselves in control of most if not all things in their lives. Without realizing it, such women do not realize that they have played their partner but more importantly that they played themselves (men do this too). Seduction, the most part, carries with it a degree of deception and the conceit of its enactor in how "attractive/crafty" they like to imagine themselves.

Love is a sacred emotion, whatever forms it takes. To abuse of it for personal gain or to remedy personal insecurities is really a coward’s game. In order to get what you want without it being freely given requires coercion and psychic violation. Considering the aforementioned, this is what I saw Xanthe attempting to do, to create trauma bonds, and my intuition instantly saw it for what it was having encountered it before. My self agency was not respected and she tried to violate it for her own selfish gain underneath the guise of romance: it was this which I base my prediction of my involvement with her as a negative diminishing person to my projective goals and objectives so she had to go. This is further supported in both how she tired to deflect my rejection message combined with her trying to find holes in who I was and attempted to professional discredit me in her own story to invalid the rejection and what I implied towards her. What I can conclude over this weekend was that Xanthe never saw me as a human being but rather an instrument to manipulate for her own finer feelings of amorousness, romance and validation but in her attempt to play me she ended up playing herself.

"Anyone who tries to play around with and disrespect love will be the one who ends up crying."

I despise anyone who tries to pervert love for their own selfish reasons and will thwart their attempts to do so. This motivation was overtly expressed with Xanthe who thought there was nothing wrong with the way she engaged and the one sided situation she wished to develop and it wasn’t my job to explain something so straight forward and simple: that should have been her mother or father’s role. I do not believe she will get in contact or show genuine remorse for her action nor her intentions. I have made it so that the idea of contacting me or reaching out will be discouraged severely. But she will be forced to develop accountability through the instrumentality of the relationships she creates in the future but with people who are far less self aware or will exploit her psychological weaknesses. In the end, it seems to be Xanthe who is the weird one – and secretly she knew it all along. I believe the only time she will get back in contact with me is if she selfishly wanted something, even "forgiveness" will be laden with an operand cost.

Summary:

I hate to coin a stereotype to summarise this but really I just dated a spoilt white girl drunk on her parents enabling lack of accountability who got too used to having her own way and not being held accountable to her own narrow world view of toxic positivity: a potential narcissist in the making.

My above account, although factual in many ways in what I observed, experienced and thought are just my perception and are not alluding to a professional diagnosis. They are not to be taken as such and not stated as absolute matters of fact. To paraphrase or forward an excerpt without the whole body of text to others (including her) is not my intention nor would it be in my or her best interests. I am grateful for the experience I had as it better prepared me to what I need to avoid and enabled me to better select worthier candidates more efficiently.

I wish Xanthe what she both deserves and needs in order to become a whole integrated self realized woman and identify the toxic enablement and deceit of her own mother's pathology and how it has been implanted in her - harming her future relationships with people generally and stunted her development of a stable identity that is not dependent on those around her but comes from an intrinsic and authentic self belief.

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