#There is so much evidence that talking about your trauma again and again does nothing to integrate it and heal from it

[nowritingonthewall]

I’m just begging you: Don’t make us go there again.

[catboymoments]

I know I’ve talked about this before, mostly on Twitter, but when people talk about the possibilities of or the allegories in the show of Hunter being a csa victim at the hands of Belos, many peoples responses are somewhere along the lines of “Belos wouldn’t do that! He’s a colonizer but he’s not THAT evil!” And it’s like.

Number one, that’s one of the big things that colonizers DO when it comes to their destruction, number two, it’s evident that people w those responses are coming from a place of thinking colonization is somehow a lesser evil. Something less close to home than SA is- when in fact it still happens, and people alive today are still affected by colonization. They go hand in hand. And not only is he a colonizer, he is a Christianity-adjacent religious figurehead, a group of people notorious for being perpetrators of SA.

Another thing I’ve seen is people responding with “but the Grimwalkers are clones of his brother, he wouldn’t feel that way towards him.”

SA is not about love. It’s about control and violence. It’s about doing harm. He clearly had no qualms about killing his brother or desecrating his corpse to create Grimwalkers, so why would that be “too far?” Belos has shown time and time again that nothing is too far for him, he’s not above anything.

Lastly when people question where the headcanon even came from, it’s mostly with victims seeing themselves in Hunter, seeing patterns, and for me it’s mostly the allegorical implications of the possession. Someone taking control of your body and making you do things you don’t want to do? Rot inside you leaving scars, physical or metaphorical, that last? That violation is all too familiar.

Idk. I just have a lot of thoughts about it and seeing people immediately jump to “oh if you have this headcanon then you’re clearly a weirdo who secretly gets off to it” is such. A disservice? And disrespectful even? Calling this facet of trauma “too much” or “too taboo” does nothing to help real life victims and survivors, and in fact it makes them feel like they can’t talk about it at all. One in five people have been victims of csa in their lifetime, think about that the next time you go to a grocery store. Abuse is abuse, and seeing familiarities in fiction shouldn’t be written off as perverse just because of the nature of it. Idk.

[tocomplainfriend]

Funny thing (not really) I’ve noticed is that Viv has always fetishized m/m relationships. There’s obviously Stolitz, but it goes back way further. There’s Addison from Zoophobia being shipped with a guy who works at his high school, but to mention that Viv has drawn NSFW of them despite Addison canonically being a minor. There’s also Autumn and Rusty, the former whom gets bullied by Rusty cause Rusty is secretly in the closet. Ten years later and she’s still weird about m/m relationships.

TW: fetishizing Queerness

I tried to search a little for Addison's age. In the wiki, that I know Viv did not write it says he is 18, other post say 17- there are people saying the age got changed too? I know almost nothing to zoophobia- if anyone knows about this claim, share your knowledge and importantly evidence of the age thing in specific? I do know about those snake drawings. And also was Viv 19? Have no clue-so I'm not gonna super talk about it without knowledge.

About the Rusty thing, I don't think Viv is a good enough writer (of relationships especially, cause Stolitz mainly) to pull that relationship or story. I don't think she can pull the idea of the closeted bully, purely by the fact that she doesn't understand or acknowledge the problems Stolitz has. If she needs to put down characters to make Stolas seems better and try to justify the power imbalance. I don't think she could write this if she wanted to. This closeted gay bully is such an old trope, too. I think the worst you can do (also as a non-amazing writer) is actually tried to make a romance out of it? Cause a lot of these tropes are more like "HAHA THE BULLY IS GAY HAHAHA", rather than "aww the bully was just sad and gay all along". I don't like it. (also this includes when the bully doesn't bully his romantic interest)

A lot of problems in mlm stuff Vivziepop does is similar to those Yaoi fetishization shit. Where there are also power imbalance. Also, this treatment of the characters like Moxxie? Like he is bi, and with Millie- and his treatment is so shitty. The hole thing of MILLIE PEGS MOXXIE, and that funny cause is less manly of him? Or where the succubus sexually assault them and that is funny??? (that one is not even Blitz being an asshole to him, it's made to act funny). As soon there is something viewed as feminine from him, the show makes fun of him. His feminine appearance in Unhappy campers also leads to make fun of him. Where he is the most vulnerable and insecure is that episode. He is more objectified in a feminine appearance.

Just the entirety of Stolitz is literally a lot of yaoi-sh problems. Also, I do see a lot of red flags in how they wrote Fizz and Asmo'. Because Fizz was insecure af, that he needed the approval of Mammon as an imp. Mammon was using the power that he had over Fizz to use him to get money. He got his approval from Asmo another sin in a higher position of power. (The power imbalance is not the problem vibes). Plus, The Big dominant protector and the sub small uwu cure relationship. Fizz, compared to the first time he appeared, he is so vulnerable and acts so cutesy. Like, the confidence he had during the S1, disappeared so bad. Acting so nice to Glitz and Glam, felt like cutting out all attitude to "uke-fing" him into needing a savior. They make him so powerless

Fizz, a quad amputee, was put in a vulnerable situation related to his trauma and where he lost all his limbs and horns. All to make Blitz "redeem" himself and make them friends again... THAT SUCKS.

Also, there was the fact of how over-sexual all the male mlm characters are, too. Like, Chaz was so much more sexual than Verosika as a succubus.

IT JUST SUCKS.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Shamelessly spamming your inbox as well! Why do you think Kaz takes off his shirt in front of Inej? We know he likes to get a rise out of her (“something about the furrow between her brows was so satisfying”). Do you think he realizes he’s making her blush? Would you consider doing an analysis of your favorite parts of Kaz’s first POV in SOC and the CK bathroom scene? thank you so much!!

Hello and welcome to episode three of DK Finally Gets It Together And Answers Her Asks Because It's About Damn Time (working title)

Episode One - Episode Two

Hi, thanks so much for the ask and sorry that I've taken an eternity to get back to you, but yes absolutely let's talk!

Why does Kaz take his shirt off in front of Inej? The fact that Kaz takes his shirt off in front of Inej is kind of a strange one because it implies feeling a level of comfort around each other that neither of them are emotionally prepared to admit that they have - it's not that long ago (in fact I think it may have just been the previous chapter?) that Kaz told us "to say he trusted Inej would be stretching the point" and yet here he willingly removes his gloves and his shirt in front of her, a massive concession to his ability to be more vulnerable in front of Inej than he is anyone else. I think it's possible that, as you said, he enjoys getting a rise out of Inej however I aslo think this could be interpreted as yet another self-deprecating habit Kaz has collected around Inej to convince himself away from caring about her. I've talked a lot about the way his language separates them and famously the sarcastic delivery of "my darling Inej, treasure of my heart" to offend her even though the words represent, at least to some extent, his genuine feelings because he knows it will elicit a negative response (in this case pointedly referring to his cane and wishing him a long trip down the stairs before Inej herself slides down the bannister) and therefore he can somehow justify ignoring his feelings for Inej's because he had some kind of 'evidence' that she doesn't reciprocate. This is a damaging mentality to both of them, in Kaz with the evident self-deprecating qualities of the action and in Inej the belief that Kaz sees nothing in her except her monetary value to him (I believe the quote is something along the lines of "she was an investment no more no less" and is borne in Inej from the multiple times Kaz refers to her as such in his efforts to distance himself from her, unintentionally presently a massive and damaging misunderstanding of her trauma and the dehumanisation she went through - "bought her, and then sold her again and again"). the scene when Kaz removes his shirt in front of Inej is told from her perspective and we know she sees absolutely nothing beyond the practicalities of the moment as being any kind of vulnerability or romantically charged because she wonders what Kaz would think if she undresses and started washing herself in front of him, and comes to the conclusion "he'd probably tell me not to drip on the desk", and arguably this has a similar impact on her to the idea of being an "investment" rather than humanising terms because from her perspective he is acting exactly as he would if he were alone and with the way she's been treated and the kind of responses trauma and ptsd can cause in people this could to her feel like an extension of the dehumanisation tools that were used against her, effectively she may believe that he's willing to remove his gloves and shirt in front of her because he doesn't acknowledge himself as actually being watched by anyone - or at least not anyone of importance. Whilst this is obviously not Kaz's intention with the action I do wonder whether it's possible that it is to some extent another way of distancing himself from Inej. When Kaz removes his shirt Inej looks away from him, embarrassed, and pretends to study some of the papers on his desk. She comments that she had "lost most of her modesty at the Menagerie" but that there were still "limits". I think there's every chance that Kaz knows she will look away because she's uncomfortable with immodesty and the general vulnerability of the scene, as well as any relation she could reasonably find to her ptsd in this action, and that he is once again forcing himself to come up with this 'evidence' of her disinterest in him so he can bully himself into ignoring his feelings for her. I hope this made sense maybe it's just a rambling mess...

Also:

I have written an analysis of the CK bathroom scene so I will link that here

And when I was doing that series where I analysed my favourite quotes from each chapter I didn't get very far in because the posts took a long time to put together but I did cover chapter three (Kaz's first POV) split into a few different posts :)

Also, I'm back on my analysis nonsense right now so if y'all would like to see that series come back let me know, because I did have fun putting them together they were just also time consuming and I had a lot of other stuff to do at the time

Thanks so much for the ask! Sorry I took so long to respond, and the same to everyone else with questions in my inbox right now, but thanks for sending them in and thanks for reading this post - and don't let it put you off sending more asks if you'd like to! I am working my way through them, I promise :)

[quinloki]

More on Crocodile taking in the reader after running from WBP... he recognizes the distrust you have for everyone right off the bat. You haven't had the time or experience to be able to hide your feelings like him or Robin. You tell him you'll work for him, just please keep you away from the Whitebeard pirates. They get a fake name pretty quickly so they can be talked about without tipping anyone off. You get a little bit of training to help use the dark fruit. Usually other baroque works members, but there are a couple times where he gives you tips himself, logia to logia. Any advice is usually coated in a layer of disinterest or annoyance, to obfuscate from both of you that he’s trying to help. You really only use the fruit sparingly- no grand displays of mass destruction like Teach. You become Crocodile's shadow- kept close for your usefulness but also so he knows where you are/what you're up to. It takes a long while to catch feelings if he ever does- neither of you trust anyone, after all... but him getting especially pissed with one of the casino staff deciding to flirt with you might be the beginning of something

Oooooooh, yandere WBP trauma into soft yandere Crocodile x Reader, I like it.

Crocodile referring to you as his little pet project, leaving people to wonder if he means the phrase mundanely or if there's more going on behind closed doors. He likes the misunderstanding because while there isn't, he's not keen on anyone getting close to you, doesn't mull over the why of that anymore than he has to.

Man takes a quiet pride in your progress, no matter how much or how little he helps - everyone who has had a hand in your improvement is part of HIS organization, so it's all his doing anyway, and a good leader knows how to delegate.

He struggles, fumes at the casino staff that are flirting with you, but their not doing their job poorly, and you're not really reciprocating anyway, so he needs to let it go. Good staff IS hard to find, and there's nothing going on, he needs to be better than that.

The "breaking" point is when someone tries to assassinate him late at night. He knows they're there, pretending to be engrossed in work, and before he can deal with them, he hears the strange mangled gurgle and a sharp snap of bones.

There's no body, no evidence, just your eyes looking up at him. They're not empty, there's a little panic there, you acted to defend him without thinking and did something you may not have meant to. The first person you've ever killed so directly, and it was protect him.

Whether he needed the help or not doesn't matter.

The care he provides you afterward is a moment for both of you. His voice is kind, his tone, his touch, his reassurances. Nothing sexual happens, but the intimacy is profound. The cracks in the walls you both had break away, and the walls reform around both of you. The trust between you is a trust neither of you have with anyone else.

When you wake from nightmares, it's his voice and his warmth that soothe you. If you never work past the trauma of that first kill he never lets you kill again. If you do work past it and amenable to it, you become more than just his shadow, you become the darkness that threatens to engulf Alabasta.

[staybeautifulmp3]

she's so patronising to him though like a relationship like that would be so annoying. he doesn't need to be told what he feels and what to do about it every day. they're fine as besties but he doesn't want more

two questions: genuinely, im not trying to be snippy at all, is this in reference to something ive said? i checked my recent postings i couldn’t find anything?? and second, um you didn’t specify who you’re talking about .. im guessing donna and harvey on usa legal drama suits? im just gonna answer to the best of my ability, as if this is about donnaharvey which im like 90% sure it is?? okay

i mean, respectfully, i would certainly push back on the idea she “tells him what to do” cus she’s certainly his emotional intelligence like she tells him what hes thinking—or at least her interpretation of what he’s thinking. theres certainly evidence of that, the scene that comes to mind is its in late s3, and mike wants to leave to take the finance job, and harvey snaps at scottie, and donna (very gently) reprimands him for it, and she tells him he’s hurt not angry “you’re hurt and the anger covers the hurt, but i know you didn’t know that.” she definitely provides him with insight into his emotions, but in a way i would argue any friend would.

there’s also a scene from season 2(?) i think, where donna is trying to get harvey to pursue scottie and she tells him to his face “i know your mother hurt you but you need to get over it” or, in other words “sorry about your mommy issues but you need to grow the fuck up.” and again i think thats a perfectly reasonable thing to say as a friend to your friend—she sees him hurting and lonely and she can do something about it, all she needs to do is encourage him to seek out a relationship with a woman who loves him, i think that’s perfectly acceptable.

i really dont see how its patronizing in any way? i mean there are certainly a couple jokes like “men are so stupid lol” but nothing that has really stood out to me as anything different than 2010s network drama gender politics, and so few and far between i cant think of any specific instances off the top of my head.

second of all, to the best of my knowledge (having seen up to 6x05 atp), that all stops when he starts going to therapy. i cant think of a single instance after season 5 when she tells him what hes feeling (i mean maybe she does in seasons 7, 8 + 9 but i haven’t seen it so i cant say lol)

but from what ive seen, her telling him his emotions stops when he starts receiving therapy with a trained professional. and thats just healthy! yknow he no longer needs to be told what hes thinking because he’s learning more about himself and his reaction to trauma and how to be a more functionally stable adult. and after that is the only way he can keep and maintain a meaningful, productive relationship.

also, not to be crass but i 100% think harvey goes face down ass up when someone tells him what to do (especially if its mike or donna or jessica)

finally i do fully respectfully disagree that “theyre good as besties but he doesn’t want more” first of all, i think you might be confusing his repression and inability to parse his love for donna as a woman and his love for donna as a friend, as a lack of attraction. i think a) hes very repressed and messed up from his childhood so like, he can fuck people but loving people is a whole other story and b) he absolutely loves her as a friend, and i think he’s just boxed up his attraction and affection for her since they moved to pearson hardman 10(?) years ago.

second of all, gabriel macht and sarah rafferty you can tell has SOOOOO much fun together and they have so much chemistry, so i distrust any interpretation of donna and harvey that doesn’t think they wanna fuck each others brains out

what was i talking about? i dont think i have a closing statement, i just think donna and harvey’s relationship re:her telling him what to do is completely legitimate and follows a natural progression of two people trying to be healthy adults

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi Makenzie

I'm sorry for bothering you, but as I followed your blog for over a decade now and this is the first time I need to deal with questions around sexuality, it seemed to me like the best way to get good and trustworthy input was to ask you.

There's a lot of context to this, but the TL;DR is that I (a trans masc) used to staunchly believe I'm aroace (which I'm still not sure of that I'm not) until last month this person swaggered into my life and basically upended my understanding of myself by somehow making it so we're in a relationship together. That means that for the first time in 23 years I have to think about the downstairs equipment and, worse, use it.

Now, my partner is absolutely lovely, don't get me wrong, but I am very much not into sex at all. Or like, it's fun, but it's also a chore and while I like the intimacy of it all, I just... don't like sex. It's extremely painful and since my partner has been circumcised it takes so long to get them off (over 4 hours!), even on their own- the closest we've come to me being involved at all when they do is my letting them come in my mouth by some last-minute manouvering- and even so, after two times I physically cannot bring myself to do it again, which puts them off too.

I know one of your mottos is that orgasms aren't the end-all-be-all of sex, but it seems to be the only thing to make the whole ordeal worth it at all. It's like we're stuck in a feedback loop where I only put up with sex because I want them to enjoy themself, and they need to see me enjoy myself to enjoy themselves, but with them having a really hard time getting of and me being physically unable to (even on my own: I never feel anything, even if the muscle-spasms indicate something happened).

I'm very worried about the strain this will put on the relationship, since they told me on the very first day that they do need to get their rocks off, and while I'm fine with them watching porn to get off and the occasional comment that they would prefer me have the body of one of those actresses, I'm not secure enough in this whole relationship yet to just set them free sexually. Not in the least because a part of me doesn't want to lose the way our sexuality works atm. It's dysfunctional and painful, and there is practically no benefit to it at all, but it's fun having them so close. If only the rest of the deal didn't exist.

It's basically a lose-lose situation where I was wondering if you could tell me if I should be worried about the sheer amount of pain I experience with penetration (also with tampons: the two times I tried putting one in, I ended up crying on the bathroom floor because of the pain) and if you maybe have any advice regarding the rest of the whole shitshow.

Thanks in advance and have a nice day!

hi anon,

oh my god there's a lot to unpack here

before we get into the important stuff I just want to open by saying your partner's four hour plateau period is maybe not an outright medical marvel but is definitely unusual, and both scientific and anecdotal evidence indicate there's no particular reason why that should be linked to circumcision. I have no idea what would actually be causing that, but it's probably not a lack of foreskin! just wanted to point that out, because it's interesting.

anyway, and much more importantly: you two should not be having sex with each other and maybe need to just break up entirely.

literally every single thing about how you are talking about sex indicates to me that you don't want to be having it, you don't like it, it's painful, you don't see the point, you can't bring yourself to do it... literally stop doing it. stop that right now. there's literally nothing but trauma that's going to come from repeatedly forcing yourself into something that sucks this bad for you.

okay, so, where does this leave your partner? well, in grand sex witch style I am humbling suggesting that they either put up or shut up. sex is important to them and that's fine, wahoo yay sex, but they've chosen a partner who Does Not Want To Do Sex At All and that has consequences, namely that they do not get to have sex with that partner.

if you're uninterested in opening the relationship up (which is fine!) that means they either need to cope or y'all need to break up, which frankly sounds like it might be awesome for both of you based on everything you're saying here. no one is necessarily at fault here, but this is a major lack of compatibility that seems like it's only going to keep eating at both of you. there are lots of different ways to be intimate in a relationship, and you both deserve to find someone operating on a more similar frequency.

also, hey, this?

I'm fine with them watching porn to get off and the occasional comment that they would prefer me have the body of one of those actresses

you shouldn't be fine with that. talking about anyone's body like that is shitty, let alone an intimate partner. I would hit somebody with a car for that, personally.

also hey PS if tampons suck that much there's a chance you have vaginismus, a condition that causes the vaginal muscles to reflexively and often painfully tighten to prevent penetration. it's a fairly common condition that's often caused by anxiety or trauma, and in many cases the easiest solution is to Stop Putting Things In Your Vagina.

[thatgirl4815]

Pete is deprived. This episode proves that Pete is thirsty to the hundredth degree. Thirsty to the point of being unhinged. Thirsty enough that I can offer it as solid evidence of his deep-rooted emotional turmoil. 

I’ve had time to sit with my thoughts, but I still can’t decide if Pete surprised me this episode or if I knew it all along. 

It’s not just that Pete literally turns Vegas around and plants the kiss of the century on him (though that’s monumental on its own)--it’s that he literally pushes the rope into Vegas’s hands. I don’t know about you, but the way he holds them up doesn’t seem like a mere suggestion--it’s someone who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. (Did he forget that Vegas is literally his captor? The man who brutally tortured him on multiple occasions?? THE ENEMY???)

The second insane aspect of this is that Pete enjoys being at Vegas’s mercy, even after everything he’s done. Now, I can understand someone enjoying this type of thing--like what you like--but not from the man who, as I said, brutally tortured him. Where’s the trauma? Where are the torture flashbacks as Vegas stands over him?? Where is the jolt of fear as his hands come in contact with the chains??? Hell, Build said he was having a hard time recovering from the torture scene, and he’s only acting it out, not literally living it.

I realize this all sounds like a giant criticism, but I assure you that what I’m trying to say is that Vegas is 100% right in his dialogue this episode: “Don’t try to hold it. I know you’re suffering inside. Let it out.” And Pete took that as a challenge.

I made a post a while back about how Pete certainly does not enjoy the pain Vegas inflicts upon him during the torture scene--there’s nothing remotely romantic about it in that context. But this scene tells a different story. And it just reminds me that Pete has his own issues. He’s broken in his own way. We can infer that his father’s abuse did some damage, but his desperation here suggests that it goes much, much deeper. 

This all reminds me how much VegasPete’s relationship centers around Vegas. And I get it. He’s the villain, so it’s no wonder they’re putting a lot of effort into humanizing him. But I think Pete deserves to be talked about a lot this episode, because I’m just going to say it: I don’t care how many casual interactions you’ve had with Vegas the last few days--having sex with the man who left all those scars on your chest is the boldest move Pete could’ve made.

And to think, this is what we’re left with:

Just look at that smile. Dare I say Vegas himself seems surprised by it? Once again, Pete is flooring Vegas the same way he has floored me. 

Anyways, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk on emotional deprivation. *jumps off a cliff*

[thedeathlysallows]

Anne

This is a dark!Caius Volturi fic and will contain the following: descriptions of murder, death, and suicidal ideations. Manipulation, coercion, religious trauma, witchcraft, sexism, sex, blood.

My warnings are not exhaustive. Proceed with caution.

Chapter One

“Anne,” the deep baritone of Father’s voice pulls me from my thoughts in an instant. His face, twisted with rage and disgust, is right next to my own as he grabs me by the elbow and hauls me from the tavern. The night is dark and the air is cold, filling my lungs with the crisp scent of Autumn.

I was so close. 

So close to freedom. 

So close to a life far from his reach. 

Of course, I thought it would take him longer to figure out he played right into my hand. I thought I would have a few days head start before he came looking for me to drag me back to his miserable home. All so he would have his own maid or so he could sell me off to the highest bidder. 

“We’re leaving,” he tells me. 

I tilt my chin up and meet his gaze, the fire in his eyes threatening to spill over and consume my soul. He hates me. I know he does. He’s hated me since the moment I drew my first breath and Mother drew her last. In his mind I’m nothing more than the thing that killed his wife and he’s always hated me for it. 

I straighten my shoulders. “I’m not going back home.”

He looks at me for a moment, the fire dimming before blazing even brighter. “No. You aren’t. Come along, Anne.”

“No.”

I can hear the autumn leaves crunching beneath heavy boots as two men appear at the edge of the dark woods, their figures looming and shrouded in the night. They move to my father’s side, ghostly and silent, and I can finally recognize them in the flickering light of Father’s torch. 

William and Henry. Two boys the same age as me. Two boys whose fumbling attempts at seduction left me laughing in their faces. Two boys who swore revenge before Father had cast me out of his home. 

William refuses to make eye contact with me, but Henry at the very least has the courtesy to nod ever so slightly, his short shearn hair and neatly trimmed beard giving him the appearance of someone far older. 

“Best follow your father,” he says simply. 

“And if I don’t?”

“You’ll be making this needlessly difficult.”

“And what is ‘this’?” The question comes out of my mouth unbidden. Deep down I know I needn’t ask at all. I know what this is. I know what’s about to happen to me. I’ve watched this same process from afar time and again. 

I turn to Father. “You hate me so much you would actually do this? Me, your own flesh and blood?”

It isn’t Father who answers. William suddenly finds his voice, face flushed pink in anger. “Witch! You seduce men with your silver tongue before selling our souls to the devil!”

“I-”

My voice fails me. Almost two decades of being able to talk my way out of anything, and now my gift fails.

William points to me, turning to look at Henry and Father. “See? She does not deny it.”

I’ve never minded being called witch before. I’ve never minded when people would balk at the bright red of my hair, whispering to one another as I walked through town. I accepted being the thing they feared. None of it bothered me because I always knew there was no evidence to any of it. I never left any. I have always been a step ahead of everyone else. 

I shake my head and square my shoulders. “I do not deny it because it is absolutely ridiculous!”

Father says nothing for a long moment. He observes me coolly, thoughtfully, before something finally clicks in his eyes. “Would you swear to it on your older brother’s life? Would you swear on Carlisle’s life that you are not in league with the same demons we hunt?”

And there it is. My loophole. I can promise I’m no friend to vampires without damning Carlisle’s soul. It might be too late for mine, but I can save his at the very least.

“I have nothing to do with vampires, Father. I swear on Carlisle’s life.

Father sighs heavily. “Vampires are not the only demons we kill.”

Henry and William seize me by my upper arms and drag me down the cobblestone road behind Father. We pass few people on our trek, and the ones we do meet quickly avert their gaze lest they be cursed by the witch. None of the three men stop until we come to the edge of a lake. The water ripples ever so slightly, as if someone got out in a rush, but it’s mostly disturbingly serene. No one is sure exactly how deep the lake goes, and the ones who do know will never be able to tell. 

The three of them walk me to the end of a small wooden dock.

Father turns abruptly and glares down at me. “Anne Cullen, you have been tried and found guilty of witchcraft. What is your reply?”

I bare my teeth, trying to get out of Henry and William’s grip. “I should have killed you the second I had a chance!”

He bends down, face inches from my own. He reeks of must and self-righteousness. “And I should have smothered you the second you killed your mother.”

I’ve imagined my life ending many ways many times. Perhaps I would jump from the belfry of my father’s beloved church. Ironically, I have even dreamed of drowning myself in the same manner Father seems to be preparing. Tie heavy blocks to my ankles and fall back into the water. Or maybe I would happen to stumble across on of his precious vampires and they would do the honor. What if I begged them to do the honor? Would they. Would a monster like them even want a monster like me?

William is the one to tie the ropes around my ankle while Father and Henry observe. Father watches each motion of William’s hands, watches my reaction to the bite of the twine against my skin. I do not flinch. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing anything save for cold malice on my face. Henry refuses to meet my eyes.

“Any last words, witch?” William teases me, his blue eyes hard as steel.

I smile before spitting into his face. “I’ll save you a spot in Hell, William.”

He grips my shoulder so roughly I almost flinch. “You should have just let me fuck you like the whore you are. You’ll spread your legs for every man but me?”

“I would spread my legs for a woman before I let that tiny prick of yours anywhere near me.”

William grabs a fistful of my hair and shoves me forward, dangling me over the lake. “Ready to die so soon?”

“I would rather die free than ever be shackled to a man such as you. Mark my words, I will haunt all of you for the rest of your lives.”

Water rushes around me, cold and unforgiving. It’s dark and silent as I sink down to the bottom of the lake. If I look up I can make out the three of them leaving, certain I’m dead, or at least very well on the way. My lungs scream for air and I desperately flail around, trying my best to untie the rope around my ankles. Black spots crowd my vision as my head grows light and fuzzy.

I can’t feel the ropes anymore.

I can’t feel anything.

My eyes are heavy.

I want to close them.

So I do.

[rxttenfish]

What's your favorite thing about MirAvi or like top five favorite things about them as a couple/ship?

god i love love LOVE just the parallels with them..... like ive always been a "miranda is deeply traumatized and Not Fucking Okay" truther for YEARS but only after getting into aaravi's angle and her story did i realize theyre pretty much two sides to the same coin, two ways to respond to the same trauma and try to keep Going On from all of it. and for the two of them to be so marked by a profound loneliness and a lack of understanding on how to even begin filling that on top of a denial of BEING lonely or upset in the first place? mwah. mwah mwah mwah.

the character study aspect. like ive made my irritation known prior about the common fandom habit of mashing two characters together without truly considering their personalities, and i think to do that with either miranda or aaravi is a crime. they have such STRONG personalities and absolutely would have just SO MANY reactions to and feelings about the other that its like mixing volatile chemicals together just to see what happens. theyre going to bounce off of each other for sure but seeing HOW they bounce off of each other is so deeply delightful for me that you just KNOW theres not a boring moment for them. maybe moments where theres a lull in the energy, but in such a directed and specific way that even getting into the domestic with them is exciting.

hey so you know how aaravi is dedicated to managing to kill an outer god just to show everyone that it can be done, and how the slayers were originally set up to minimize eldritch influence and corruption, and how the merkingdom is now canonically dedicated to fighting and staving off the influence of the eldritch as much as possible? yeah. even just beyond this being weirdly relevant to my highly canon divergent lore i think its just Neat how this is a direct parallel between them in the mess that is roadtrip

i sincerely think aaravi needs someone to just, unironically, no catch, with her whole heart, absolutely meaning every word, praise her and compliment her. just... i need this for her. i love to see it crop up again and again in every little thing miri does for and with aaravi and how genuinely she loves aaravi because aaravi has had so LITTLE of this in her life. its always come with someone trying to push her further, trying to put her down, even the best compliments are halfhearted or still holding her up as failing an impossible standard. teasing her for being a failgirl is fun and all but i feel like it often goes far beyond teasing and instead sits at how most people actually view aaravi, and that SUCKS. having someone with whom that doesnt even come to mind would be so good for aaravi. no other references. nothing for her to be compared against. no hero trope that she is or isnt fulfilling. just a princess who is actually sincerely taking everything aaravi says to heart and listening to her and paying attention to her. so many times ive been writing them and have aaravi be DESTROYED by miranda saying she wants to protect HER like how aaravi protects miranda, or that she feels too safe around aaravi to even really consider that she might hurt her, or just genuinely trusting aaravi with her whole heart. its SO cathartic. absolutely fantastic.

this is self evident but being given an excuse to go whole ham fleshing miranda out and giving her weight as a character and history and complexity. i already talk so much about how fanon (and now canon....) gets miranda wrong and this is fully an excuse to talk about all of that. there is absolutely no way you could NOT talk about it, once you get into how they interact and bounce off of each other, and how the relationship forms, and what their expectations and wants are for that relationship. miranda is sincerely a very fun character to ship with because its never just ONLY about her. her kingdom is such a major player in all of her relationships that you HAVE to consider her standing in it, and what the merkingdom thinks of her partner, and what the merkingdom would demand of both of them, and how the other royals would react, and the culture clash, and just MWAH. PERFECTION. love love LOVE them both getting an "its complicated" for their life and family history and i just want to mash them both together into a horrible conflicting stew that they have to navigate and navigate together because it was already so hard on their own but at least now they have someone else in the same boat. love for them to make it work and see how they get out of it. together.

[aajjks]

TC!dad!JK

“Yn, my love?”

your head perks up when you hear jungkook’s voice.

“Yn baby… please can I lay down with you?”

the last time you and jungkook talked was when you were convincing to not end himself and when your eyes land on the bandage on his neck, you’re reminded of it all over again. your husband would have left you all alone and no, you wouldn’t have blamed him. he’s been through so much in his life and has always been strong with and for you but it still hurts knowing that you were left to hold that load all on your own. it hurts knowing that that could have been your reality had this went another way.

“um…sure” you shrug before laying back down and keeping your eyes on the ceiling above you.

jungkook can tell there’s something on your mind but he doesn’t want to lob a grenade and ruin the one chance the both of you can just breathe. there are bags evident under your eyes, your hair is unruly, and you look so tired as does jungkook. his neck is bruised, his eyes are full of exhaustion, and all he wants to do is hold you close but you haven’t moved anywhere near him since he laid on the bed beside you.

before jungkook can say anything to draw your attention, you sit yourself and let out a sigh. “i’m gonna go check on jinseoul. you should get some sleep” you say “‘s been a long day and i’m sure you’re tired. especially since the doctor drew a lot of blood”

your eyes glance down at the small bandage on jungkook’s arm, the arm used to draw over 10% of his blood but jungkook didn’t mind. he’d do it a million times over if it meant he could save his son and be with him again.

“there’s nothing wrong it’s just…i need…i want to be with seoul” you say which is true but not the whole truth and you’re sure jungkook knows why but you won’t say it. unlike jungkook, you aren’t always upfront about your feelings and ever since what happened, you’re more desperate to be closer to your children than ever.

“goodnight jungkook”

~🫧

Jungkook sighs before getting up and he pulls you by your hand before you can leave and he pulls you into his arms, wrapping his tightly around your body, before you can respond.

You’re surprised at his strength.

But he knows that…

You’re tired and you’re triggered, he was about to end himself right infront you, selfishly and having to take care of seven children all by yourself is never easy and you’ve done that many times,

You’re trying to get away from him, he can tell because you are trying to get him to break the hug but he refuses to, he has fucked up and he has to make up for it, “yn… please.”he begs you, whispering so desperately in your neck.

You two have been through so much, you almost lost your son yet you took care of jungkook- he doesn’t deserve you. “Y-Yn I love you so much… please baby… forgive me.” He cries softly, for the nth time.

He just wants to hold you in his embrace and sleep peacefully but you’re so upset with him. “Y-Yn if you want to go to Seoul you can b-but he’s probably sleeping right now and the children are in their bed with the Nannie’s.” Jungkook informs you. Ae-cha is in the the doctors office, Jungkook knows everything.

“J-Just spend some time with me if you can? I know you’re tired and we don’t have to do anything I just want to have you in my arms, baby?” He is caressing your hair, he rubs your back with his other hand, that was once on your waist.

“W-We need each other right now yn and I’m sorry I left you on your own selfishly because I couldn’t hear to deal with my grief- you deserve better but I love you.”

How can he possibly make you understand his unresolved trauma? You won’t be able to take that kind of a burden, when he saw jinseoul lifeless like that he got flashbacks,

You’ll never get his inner demons.

“Yn please don’t leave me.”

[lampmanliveblogs]

My poor baby, Eda please, go hug your daughter or something. You already did that? Do it again!

Now I kinda feel bad for talking so much about Hunter and not mentioning the horrible trauma Luz went through as well.

Edge of the World. That sure is a dramatic title. Not entirely sure yet what it means in the context of this episode though. A geography lesson on what lies beyond the Titan in the demon Realm?

…I kid you not, I was going to say something like ”And if there’s anyone in the main cast who’d know [what lies beyond the Titan], it’d be Lilith.” But I didn’t, because I didn’t dare get my hopes up that’d I get to see her again so soon.

Actually, this makes sense, Luz just learned about Belos’ true identity as Philip, Lilith deserves to know that too. She also deserves to know she helped permanently disfigure him and make his life just a little bit more miserable. 

(oh, and Eda commanding Hooty and King to hug Luz for her is not exactly what I had in mind, but it’s close enough)

((oh, and also, great voice acting for Luz in this scene. the sense of panic in her voice, it’s perfect))

FINALLY! Finally, we get that letter back! Read it quickly now before a flaming arrow sets it on fire or something! I know our Lord Hooty works in delirious ways, but I was almost beginning to consider to maybe start questioning his supreme ways. Truly, he chose the perfect moment to deliver these news to this family already going through a massive crisis.

The letter is brief and to the point. It says that if King wants to learn more about his family, he should come visit a specific location to meet their warrior clan. The letter comes with a small piece of… rock? Or maybe a piece of horn?

The depictions of King’s father and/or ancestors did show them fighting some monster. So the idea of his family being a warrior clan lines up.

An idea comes into my head. As of now, there’s not a whole lot evidence, but hear me out…

Up till this point, my main theory has been that Belos was behind the disappearance of King’s family. That they were a powerful family/clan that posed a threat to his plans, so he got rid of them and then covered up even their existence from history. One of the main pieces of evidence to support this idea was that the ruins on King’s island were old and Belos is old. But you know who else is old, a lot older than Belos?

The Collector.

I don’t know how old The Collector is or how long he’s been sealed away, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he’s at least a thousand years, possibly more. And he’s been sealed away since before Philip stumbled into the Demon Realm.

What if… what if King’s ancestors were this powerful warrior clan that got into conflict with The Collector? And they sealed them away beneath the Titan… but at a great cost, with their entire species nearly wiped out.

Like I said, there’s not a whole lot of evidence to support this yet and it does raise a few questions about the timeline of these events, but I still think it’s a cool idea to consider. And like I’ve said before, I think the backstory of King’s family is going to tie into another plotline. If nothing else, it’d be efficient if we could learn both about King’s backstory and The Collector at the same time. Especially considering the show doesn’t have too much time to spare considering the whole, you know… cancelation.  

[gamecubesystem]

Hello! Excuse me for jumping in your DMs, but I'm a little confused about myself and I wanted to ask you a question if that's okay. How did you know you were in a system? Can you tell when someone different fronts? And what does that feel like? I think I may be plural myself and I'm having a hard time understanding what I'm feeling.

You do NOT need to reply to this if this is too invasive or uncomfortable, and if it is, I'm super sorry!

1. How did you know you were in a system

I'm gonna be honest, I got way too high. That's how I found out. If I never smoked weed, I genuinely think I'd still be blissfully unaware.

When I turned 18, my best friend's mom gave me some edibles. Maybe not the best decision, but like free drugs. Obviously, having never consumed weed before, I had no tolerance. This led to me "teleporting" around and feeling like I was floating away.

For a while, I was convinced that I broke my brain because it kept lingering. I was still teleporting. I was still feeling like I was floating away. Then it suddenly hit me that I've always felt like that. Turns out, weed makes me disassociate. I started having a bit of a substance abuse problems when I realized this because, my exact words if I remember correctly, "it already feels like I'm high, I'm just making it so that it feels less weird because now I'm supposed to be high". I looked into it for a while, but was like, "Nahhh, but there aren't any guys in my brain though. I'd KNOW"

And so, once again, I got way too high and someone else fronted that was very much objectively "not me". It was a young child who couldn't talk. Up to this point, me and my friend were making "jokes" that I had it. Like obviously there is more to it than that, and I'm not endorsing drugs. That's just how it worked out for me.

Looking back, there were many warning signs, but I am still sometimes I'm worried that I'm experiencing psychosis because I'm pretty sure I experienced psychosis in middle school, but also I have a tendency to exaggerate things in my head so maybe I was just being normal imaginative thinking that everyone around me wasn't real and that I was dead. Idk idk. (Whoopsie, trauma dump)

But like looking back, there were some clues. I remember having time gaps. Like there is video evidence that I was in a play as a kid and I remember practicing for it, but I also remember being very frustrated that "I practiced all for nothing because every adult in my life just stopped talking about it for some reason" but also maybe that's normal 4 year old stuff.

I also remember in 6th grade being confused why the moment I left science class, I'd not remember science class.

I used to "talk to Jesus" kind of like how I "talk" to the other guys in my head. Idk. Maybe Jesus did that stupid church play. (I have no actual proof that I had a Jesus alter)

When hanging out with people, sometimes I'd feel genuinely out of control with my actions. Like I couldn't stop myself from doing somethings. Or like I'd be doing stuff that I wasn't actively trying to do.

The teleporting thing I mentioned earlier

Being told by my best friend how inconsistent I was. "I thought you hated eggs". It was mostly food. I just chalked that one up to Autism. I chalked most of these things up to Autism.

Sometimes when I "spaced out" I'd have multiple trains of thoughts and I'd randomly come into them.

I'm kind of banking rn, I'm gonna be honest

2. Can you tell when someone different fronts?

Kind of. Sometimes it feels like different moods and the moods have feelings. Sort of. That's what it felt like before I actually knew what was happening. I just assumed it was because I was autistic and masking. Like I noticed I acted distinctly different in social situations, but once again assumed it was masking. And that when I was masking, I was also masking my opinions and feelings.

Now since I'm more aware, it's easier. The three easiest to tell are Klause (that's me), Winter, and Bowie. Bowie can't talk and the thought of talking makes her want to throw up. Technically she can talk, but it makes her anxious. That's pretty easy to figure out. She's also pretty childish.

Winter has more disassociation than everyone else and is just really easy to tell. It's hard to explain.

And I think I might just be biased towards myself. I'm fairly childish, but in an adult way. Me and Winter have been the main fronters recently so Its kind of like If it isn't him, it's probably me. Our friend is honestly better at telling than us.

There are two main kind of switches. Possessive and nonpossesive. Ours are nonpossesive. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's more like there is a single consciousness but it morphs into who's fronting. There's still consciousness, though.

3. What does it feel like?

This one is kind of a hard one since I've lived with it for basically my whole life that I can remember. It's kinda like asking what being Autistic feels like I guess.

It depends on who it is.

I genuinely can't explain this super well. But some of the alters have specific vibes almost? Like one of them feels like a nostalgic smell I can never place. I can't remember which one does this because I'm super sleepy. It's 3 AM for me and I was moving. I was typing this in-between that so if it's disjointed I'm really sorry. I like answering questions and maybe you'll get a different view point from someone else next time Lol.

-Klause

Also don't worry about it being invasive or uncomfortable. I like being asked questions

[mewtonian-physics]

Why I Like Puella Magi Madoka Magica (Yes, This Includes Rebellion)

I actually highly recommend people who haven't seen it but are shunning it based solely on what they've heard to read this. I'd say 'if they don't mind spoilers' but I get the feeling most if not all of them have already gotten all the spoilers without the proper context. Anyway, yeah. I have a lot to say about this show.

Let me just say right off the bat that no, I do not like Gen Urobuchi. He's done some truly horrifying things. I do not believe Puella Magi Madoka Magica to be one of those things; however, if someone is turned off from watching it due to his involvement I have no issue with that.

On to address the biggest argument I tend to see against this show.

"It's torture porn!"/"It's just a bunch of teenage girls suffering for twelve episodes!"/And so forth.

I feel like there's a double standard here. For example, there's another show I like called Hunter x Hunter. Hunter x Hunter has an extremely long arc generally referred to as the Chimera Ant arc.

Now, the Chimera Ant arc involves a lot of fucked up things. It's many chapters and many episodes of Gon and Killua, who are around 14 or 15 at the time, going through absolutely horrific trauma. This includes: all but watching a mentor figure die in front of them; fighting inhuman creatures, many of whom used to be human; being put into life-and-death situations by people who evidently don't care that much about their wellbeing; fighting amongst themselves; being driven to the brink of despair and becoming something truly horrifying and wanting nothing more than revenge; and almost dying many times.

These elements I listed... are some of the main things I see people complain about with regards to Madoka Magica.

Yet I have never once seen anyone call Hunter x Hunter torture porn. Not even the Chimera Ant arc specifically. I'm not saying that that never happens, but I've never seen it personally, and I certainly doubt it happens to the degree it does with regards to Madoka Magica. And the Chimera Ant arc is much, much longer. It is drawn out and horrible and gutwrenching and honestly, at some points, genuinely sickening.

So I can't help but wonder, why the double standard? To give people the benefit of the doubt, I tend to assume it's one or both of the following:

Madoka Magica is a magical girl show, which is not a genre you would typically expect such dark content. (Or, at least, it wasn't.)

It's because Gen Urobuchi is involved, and his other works cast a (fully justified) negative light on this one. Again, if this is your problem with it that is your prerogative and I do not blame you. But I actually rarely see people bring that up.

If I'm being less generous, I could say that perhaps it's some form of misogyny--that since the main characters of Madoka Magica are girls, it's worse and more unforgivable than it is for boy characters to go through similar things. (Because girls apparently can't handle trauma like boys can, or something? I don't claim to understand the reasoning behind it.) But I doubt that's actually the case in most situations, though I wouldn't be surprised if it was in a few.

Though really, if people want to complain about magical girl torture porn, Mahou Shoujo Site is right there. (God, I hate Mahou Shoujo Site.)

But that's enough with the rebuttals. I'm here to talk about why I personally like it.

Quality

I mean, come on. In terms of technical skill, this show has so much going for it. Outside of the occasional awkward moment (as showcased in the famous Meduka Meguca), the animation is stunning, particularly in the witch's labyrinths. The music is amazing and adds so much to each scene--some songs that played in particularly heartwrenching scenes still make me sad just to listen to. In my personal opinion, the voice acting in both the Japanese and English dubs is fantastic. (Though I know that's subjective for a lot of people.) The storyline is concise and does what it needs to do without padding things out or feeling rushed. Even the recap movies are worth watching for the new material they offer, to say noting of Rebellion. So much symbolism is packed into it without feeling forced (okay, except maybe for the 'Love Me Do' bit; that one felt a little excessive)--it's just something fun to think about. Hell, they came up with the runes system when they really didn't have to, and it's a great touch. On a purely technical level, I think Madoka Magica is amazing.

(General) Lack of Sexualization

Magical girl series are scary because they are a haven of fun costumes but also at high risk of oversexualizing teenage girls. I'd say it's the second worst genre in that regard. Although it's not perfect, particularly in regards to some of Mami's portrayal, Madoka Magica tends to steer away from sexualizing its characters. (Magia Record, on the other hand, went full tilt into that, which is a major factor when it comes to how much I despise it.) It does have some troubling moments, and honestly whoever animated the opening for the original show should come meet up with me some time (I just want to talk, I swear...) but I appreciate its general avoidance of the problem. (Also, the long transformation sequence in Rebellion not having a single moment of that at all is soooo refreshing. I love magical girl transformations. Right up until they start making the characters naked. Looking at you again, Magia Record... and like ten thousand other shows on top of that.)

Characters

My god. My god. I adore the characters. All five of the main girls feel so real to me, and they subvert expectations brilliantly. That calm, collected mentor figure? She's horribly lonely and acts like that because it makes her seem a lot stronger than she feels. The 'hero of justice'? So focused on her ideals that she doesn't see the truth of the matter until it's already too late. The selfish rival? Traumatized from her own time trying to be a hero and the horrible consequences. The cool, mysterious girl? An anxious kid trying to protect her only friend (and/or crush). And unlike a lot of magical girl shows, the main protagonist isn't a leader at all--she's just a normal kid watching her life fall apart around her and trying desperately to figure out what to do even as everything seems completely hopeless.

The character development feels genuine, and not just that--this show's portrayal of mental health issues is something I'm never going to forget. I watched it for the first time when I was the same age as the main characters and hadn't yet realized just how bad my own issues were, and I felt seen in a way I didn't fully understand myself. The scene where Madoka bursts into tears at breakfast because she's just realized the danger she was in and is grateful to be alive to eat breakfast with her family is heartwrenching. Kyouko and Homura closing themselves off to the world because their painful experiences have left them feeling like they can't rely on anyone else is horribly believable. Mami hiding her loneliness behind the façade of a cheerful, cool big sister figure is painful. And Sayaka. My god, Sayaka. I'll get into her in the next section.

Witches as a Metaphor for Depression

So, this is pretty obvious. I mean, it's despair that makes a magical girl turn into a witch. The things a witch leaves behind are literally called Grief Seeds. But it feels so true to life even outside of that. Watching Sayaka's ideals, hopes, and dreams get crushed and her subsequent spiral is something I've seen multiple other people talk about relating to in the same way I did. Sayaka is perhaps the most relatable character in the show for someone with depression. She starts out as a confident, cheerful, idealistic girl, and then the real world hits her. The world where there are truly horrible people who do awful things for no reason (the men on the train, for example). The world where good deeds don't necessarily get rewarded and good intentions don't make everything turn out okay. The world where sometimes things just suck and no amount of ideals can change that.

As her Soul Gem gets corrupted, it becomes more and more similar to severe depression. She experiences fatigue and dissociation and hopelessness, and she lashes out at her best friend for not being in her shoes even as she knows what she's doing is wrong--she runs away crying in the rain afterwards beating herself up over it. And at the end, when she reaches a point of absolute despair and no longer holds any of the ideals she once had, having become disillusioned with reality, she implodes. She draws into herself and creates a world of the things she loves, and attacks Madoka and Kyouko when they try to bring her out of it. She gives up entirely on the world and on herself. And supernatural influences or not, that's something a lot of people with severe depression can relate to.

But it doesn't stop there.

Rebellion And Its Inevitability

I've seen people talk about how they think Rebellion was out of character and unbelievable, but I have to disagree with that perspective. Rebellion is horribly believable, and despite the relative happiness of the main show's ending for everyone else (Madoka's speech about how people should hold on to hope and keep trying even when things seem impossible still brings tears to my eyes), Homura never really got any closure, and it's honestly not a surprise to me that things turned out how they did. I mean, think about it. The girl she spent literal years trying to protect just disappeared in the end, leaving her little brother and Homura as the only ones who remember her. No one else is even aware she ever existed at all. Homura says it herself in the movie--it made her feel like she was going crazy. Like her most precious memories with the person she loved most were just things she made up. How is a traumatized teenage girl supposed to deal with that? And yes, Homura is still a teenager--no matter how many loops she went through, she never actually aged. Her brain is still at the developmental stage it was when she started--that of a fourteen-year-old girl. She's not an adult and expecting her to make perfectly rational adult decisions is unfair--hell, expecting even an adult to make perfectly rational decisions in that kind of situation is unfair! And even though she decided to play the role of the devil, on some level she really thought she was doing what was best for Madoka, because the amnesiac Madoka told her that what happened would make her sad. Homura still spent the whole movie trying to do right by Madoka, even to the point where she was desperate to die so that Kyubey couldn't hurt Madoka anymore. Sure, her actions were hardly selfless, but again--this is a scared, traumatized teen in a desperate situation making a split-second decision. Even if she thinks Madoka will hate her for it, on some level she thinks she's doing the right thing. Actually, that's how you can tell--if it was a purely selfish action, she wouldn't accept Madoka potentially hating her. She'd want to keep Madoka by her side forever. But she doesn't. She accepts the fact that Madoka might someday hate her for what she did. She wanted to save Madoka even if it meant damning herself. And she didn't go about it in the smartest way, but yet again--scared, traumatized teenager.

All in all I think Homura's despair was inevitable under the circumstances. Rebellion's ending makes sense to me. And I love it just as much as the main show.

Okay, I'm going to call it there since this post is stupidly long already. Hopefully it helped explain at least a little bit of my love for this show.

[supposed-to-be]

generation

I wonder if my grandmother knows the word “trauma.” The word “abuse” is written in bloody gouges in the hall of portraits I keep in my mind, scrawled over the blurry image of a great-grandfather nobody talks about. It’s written lighter, in a more forgiving fountain pen, along the picture of my pépe. His is a black-and-white photo of a loose-jowled man with combed-over black hair, eyes smudged away by thick-lensed glasses and cigarette smoke. My grandmother has never read studies saying that kids who are abused are more likely to find themselves in an abusive marriage. If she’s ever stopped to wonder what drew her to a handsome, hard-drinking man with eyes for other women, she’s pushed the thought away after years with no answer. She takes it all in stride, says with hard eyes that that’s the way the world is. I disagree, use as evidence my father, who stands gentle and open-handed in the doorway, enduring her ice-shard demeanor with his warmest smile. He calls her “Mom” and doesn’t resent her for resenting him. My arguments rest behind my teeth, and my grandmother cradles my face in gentle palms, kisses me on the nose, says “darlin’,” while I swallow back my complaints and resolve never to defend men when she makes herself vulnerable. She loves me despite the fact that my creation required the presence of a male, so that will be enough.  

I wonder if my mother knows the word “gaslighting.” I wonder if she knows that we can do it to ourselves, downplaying what we went through and attaching “of course” at the front. Do those wire-rimmed glasses warp the light so she doesn’t see the horror in my face? Or does she see it only as something to comfort and soothe away, never considering she could accept it as it was meant to be: a gift, for her. Mother, let your children hurt. They do it for your sake. My kind mother is so good at perceiving the needs around her that when we adopted my sister she talked for weeks about childhood PTSD and had no idea she was describing herself. My mother built a home on her sweat and tears that is nothing like the one she grew up in. My mother learned kind words and soft hands on her own, when there was no one to teach her. There are no shouts in this home, no curses, no bottles flung at the wall. I descend from a line of women with Teflon on one side of their hearts and gauze strips on the other, kiss away a child’s scraped knees and leave their own wounds bleeding and raw.

I wonder if I’m being too sensitive, when I hear the words “generational trauma” and know that they’re true. I know that every time the light fades from the sky and my father isn’t home, the gut-wrenching terror of a little girl realizing daddy’s never coming back sinks ancient claws in my mother’s soul. She thinks that she’s angry, she feels the burn of my grandmother’s bitterness suddenly swamp her bones, but maybe it doesn’t cross her mind that she’s mostly frightened and sad. I’ve never asked. It’s my pépe’s last name that stayed even after he got a divorce. It’s my pépe’s family that my family uses jokingly, each time my brother flares with white-hot temper or stands his ground like a guard dog. My grandmother claimed that name as her own. My mother carried it until my father convinced her to set it down. But I only grazed the edge of it with my fingertips, born under a different banner, saturated with my father’s side, voice too quiet to make that fierce name heard. My matriarchs are warriors who gave birth to a moon-moth. I crumple like tissue wings at the slightest touch; I hover between freezing to death and burning up, unable to get warm even when the fire hurts too much. A deserter leaving the front lines for my bedroom, I retreat each time my father meets the glacial wall of my mother’s eternal cold shoulder. A fugitive holding her breath and waiting to be found, I put my ear to the ground and study the different tones of angry sighs. No one else in the house knows the difference between the “money’s tight again this month,” and “he didn’t come home for dinner again,” but I am the most careful student.

I wonder, mostly, if it would have made a difference. As a young girl, my grandmother welded iron to her spine while violence swirled around her. When my mother was the age that I am now she ripped the armor off her heart with bloodied stumps of fingernails and taught herself to love for my sake and my brother’s. If I’d inherited their steel and iron and acid I might have sat my mother and grandmother down for some therapy, but instead I write my thoughts in a document neither of them will ever see. Maybe this makes me weak. Maybe weak is a privilege that I have because I grew up safe, landed soft at a mother’s hard side.

[oongaboonganerd]

November 25th, 2023

I've been doing alright, actually. For a fucking change lol.

Coworker got stupid with me again, regarding my work which has nothing to do with his work. Told him if he has a problem with what I'm doing, to talk to the boss. He started mumbling expletives. I started chuckling as I walked away, which really pisses him off, causing him to mumble even more. Which in turn caused me to chuckle at him more. He was mumbling angrily to himself around 5 minutes afterwards 😂 I have begun gathering evidence for his actions toward me. Going to report his ass to my boss this week if he does it again. And I'll do it again and again should he continue. Gathering evidence the whole way. Drop a lawsuit on the company on harassment if he doesn't quit.

Been talking even more with the new lady. I'm very hesitant about accepting the full face value of her words. Years of harassment and trauma have me question everything when it comes to feelings and intentions. If they mean something, or are just saying it to be nice. But she has been a very positive boon to my existence here lately. So I'm pushing through it. My issues pertain to all new people. So it's not her. Just the position she is in.

I'm really glad I blocked the "ex" or whatever she was. I'm hoping like hell she doesn't decide to poke through a way or two that I can't block her on. Seriously, I'm only really finding peace again this week for the first time in an extraordinarily long time. I don't want her telling me anything. I don't even want a hi. Last time, she only cared to bitch at me about something. Abused that line of communication. Fuck off. Day after, I deleted her from that friends list. No regrets.

Wiping out all social media accounts and emails I use and starting fresh sounds really good honestly. At least then she wouldn't be able to follow me. I mean, I doubt she wants to. She found her person. If she reaches out about missing me, my spiteful side says to reply and say, "What? Your bf isn't cutting it anymore?" Like, seriously. I feel so used. It was a use and be used situation, yeah. But I gave it too much faith that it would turn into anything. And she has no qualms saying:

"I don't love you anymore."

Like???? Who the fuck are you to just... Happily say that to me? And she's said to several times, including last time. She wanted me to hate her. Dude. Yeah, that right there is all the evidence I need to keep her away. She basically said to stay out of her life.

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