#These were two very different experiences for me

[corseque]

I'm such an Inquisition fan.

I loved all the big huge areas that you could explore and look for little details in, I loved being able to walk around and feel the atmosphere of the place and the ambient music coming in and out, I loved the Hissing Wastes, I loved the Emprise du Lion, I loved the Exalted Plains, I loved how different each area was, I loved the sound effects and how the horses sounded, I really really love that part of Inquisition, it's very unique to Inquisition and we're maybe never going to get anything like that again. That's ok, but it just makes it unique.

when I was playing Inquisition back 10 years ago, I was in a very deep depression, and one of the only things that felt comforting to me in that time was walking around for hours and hours with the very peaceful party of Solas, Cole and Cassandra. All of those characters love and support each other, and it was very comforting to me to just go walking.

The game allows you to really deeply lose yourself meditatively in a way that the other two games don't have room for. If you were obsessed with the game, you could keep playing it for hundreds of hours, you could find 116 solas temple keys, you could do all these meditative things, you could pour obsession into it.

I know all the drawbacks to it, and I know why it's changed, I know that no one has 200 hours to play anymore, and I know that it's a good idea to have a story-driven game on rails. But I was the 1/100 who really enjoyed and was helped by how wide open and endless and real it made Thedas feel. I hope that there might be one big area that I can explore and experience the ambiance in that way in DA4.

[samuelcolon]

This + other ghosts' reactions to halfas.

Because. Halfas do not seem to exist naturally. The only three we see in the series were created in lab accidents/experiments. They are clearly not supposed to be Like That.

Imagine you're just Ye Old Average Ghost. Maybe you were alive and died, or maybe you just came to be in the infinite realms. Either way, you know that there is a clear divide between the Living and the Dead. Physically, mentally, GEOGRAPHICALLY, it's obvious that death and life are meant to be separate.

And then one day, you hear whispers of a ghost human something that throws all that out the window. Something that is somehow both, that can switch between Dead and Living as easy as breathing (or the ghostly equivalent). Your entire world view is turned upside-down, because this thing's existence forces you to acknowledge that the line between life and death isn't that clear.

But you can comfort yourself with the fact that this... thing is weak. It's barely clinging to Life after whatever happened to it and it can't control the powers that, for the rest of your kind, come as easy as breathing. It's Different (read: terrifying) but no real threat, right?

oh would you look at that it got Better and now it's incredible strong and seems to have a vendetta against both the living and the dead isn't that neat

At the very least, you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that there's only one of them. It was born in a freak accident, what are the chances a human dies in a ghost portal again??

oh you've got to be fucking kidding me

i mean at this point you've really gotta start giving thought to these things, because two ghosthumanbothneithersomethinginbetween of these things is a Bit Much. They are quite literally violating the laws of nature. Is that not terrifying? Knowing that there are two impossibilities walking around and making you realize that one of the biggest constants in your life might not be so constant?

[youremyheaven]

Krittika: The Tarzan Complex & Survival Strategies

TW: murder, rape, genocide, euthanasia, death, violence, misogyny

This is part 2 of my ongoing Krittika series. This research was commissioned by the wonderful, angelic and patient, @rscelestia-blog . Being commissioned to do nakshatra research by you guys makes me feel like I'm a renaissance artist and you guys are my Medici family ✨🥺🫶💛 I'm so grateful for it.

For this post, I wanted to look into how this nakshatra often manifests in men. Whenever I talk about how naks manifest irl, I am talking about a tendency not a rule. Astrology is not a perfect science and it is very much possible that someone could have these placements and not behave this way. Also there are hundreds of different tendencies for each nak, since every astrologer is a mere human being with limited knowledge, what they derive from their studies is perhaps only a handful of such possibilities. Therefore every nakshatra has vast room for interpretation.

All that said, I have often thought that Krittika men were a bit unrefined and mannerless for a long time. I think this broadly applies to Solar men in general because they're a "guy's guy". However, this observation was further cemented by an ask that I received a long time ago where an anon pointed out how many actors who have played Tarzan or Tarzan like characters have Krittika nakshatra.

I will be making a separate post about the 'feral child' trope and how its most acutely manifest in a different planetary type but for this post I want to focus on the 'uncivilized' nature of Krittika/Solar men.

I had mentioned in my previous Krittika post about how since Krittika nak follows Bharani where creation takes place, Krittika is about survival.

In fact, the theory of 'survival of the fittest' was put forward by another Solar man aka Charles Darwin, Uttarashadha Moon

The term was originally coined by Herbert Spencer, Ketu in Uttaraphalguni after reading Origin of the Species

 Alfred Russel Wallace, whose own theory about the mechanics of evolution was almost identical to Darwin's, had a Solar stellium (Mercury & Venus in Uttarashadha and Jupiter in Krittika)

In Nazi Germany, they appropriated Darwin's "survival of the fittest" to eradicate anybody who wasn't Aryan or 'fit'. One of the key proponents of the same was an officer named Alfred Rosenberg, Uttarashadha Sun who was hanged to death after the war. He helped advance involuntary euthanasia to eliminate mentally ill and disabled individuals.

Now, lets go into Tarzan.

Tarzan is from an aristocratic British family and after losing his parents, he is adopted by the leader of the ape tribe, among whom he is raised. He later experiences civilization, rejects it and returns to the wild.

Many actors who have played Tarzan have either Solar influence or Venusian influence. In the 2 dozen actors who have played this character, the majority are Venusian tbh but I'll explore that more on a separate post about Venusian men. I think its interesting how different aspects of this character fit these two planetary types.

Here are some men who have played Tarzan

Johnny Weissmuller, Mercury and Venus in Krittika

He played Tarzan in 12 films and Jungle Jim in another dozen films and its TV adaptations as well.

Bruce Bennett, Krittika Sun (unrelated but i find this pic so funny lmao)

Tony Goldwyn- Krittika Sun and Venus (atmakaraka)

He voiced Tarzan in the 90s film

Tarzan has always been played by other Solar natives like:

Wolf Larson- Uttaraphalguni Moon

Alexander Skarsgaard- Uttaraphalguni Stellium

Now when we think of Tarzan, what do we most associate with him? He is a man who was raised in the jungle by apes since he was a baby, so he is "uncivilized" and by most standards "lacking manners", he is wild, messy, uncouth, improper and defies all kinds of social norms. We usually associate "mannerlessness" with belonging to perhaps a lower class in society but here is where Krittika and Solar men surprise us. They behave this way despite all that they have. They could be from immensely privileged backgrounds and still act like jungle freaks.

They lack social charisma, grace or "politeness". Tarzan is very independent because he was raised in the jungle where he had to learn how to fend for himself. Similarly, Solar individuals also tend to be very socially independent which means they're often not the best at interacting on a group level. In order to be sociable, you have to emotionally connect with others, Tarzan's early life is not something anybody else can connect to, even if he adopts a more "civilized" behaviour, he's still going to stand out because of how he's lived his life. Even if they're welcomed into and accepted by society, Solar individuals struggle to relate to and emotionally connect to them.

Sun naks are generally known for being a bit emotion-less but in Krittika this manifests in a very "each for himself/herself" mentality that ISNT self-serving. I would say Krittika natives are the least selfish and most service oriented of all the 3 Sun nakshatras. They know that its a dog eat dog world, so they almost have a tendency to be the one who does all the brunt work so that their loved ones can be spared of it?

I'll mention some examples of "mannerless" Krittika men now:

Howard Stern, Uttarashada Sun Krittika Rising

This guy straight up is so RUDE and crass and vulgar with ALL of his guests????

Here is him talking to Matthew McConaughey about his father dying and Matt is no better in this clip either but like wtf?? who talks like that???

Lowkey Solar individuals LOVE to gossip and start shit between people.

Here is a compilation of him being creepy and disgusting to women on his show.

Dana Plato, the actress, committed suicide a day after appearing on his show in 1999. The humiliation she endured is said to have been her breaking point. Her son committed suicide on the 11th anniversary of her death.

When I tell you Solar men are emotionally abusive, either by being avoidant and ignoring you or by being condescending, patronising, openly mocking you and treating you like shit, BELIEVE ME.

Jordan Peterson- Krittika Rising

I dont know if I need to explain why Jordan is a mannerless misogynistic asshole.

Here are some remarks made by Kate Manne, a feminist expert, who critiqued Jordan's work:

"There’s an interesting moment in the book where Peterson talks about resentment as a “revelatory” emotion that can mean one of two things. One, you feel it because you’re immature, in which case you just need to buck up. Two, you feel resentment because you really are being oppressed or taken advantage of somehow. Your resentment shows you that something needs to change or that you need to assert yourself in relation to other people.

But there is clearly a third possibility. People often feel resentful because they appear, based on historically entrenched social norms, to be getting a bad bargain, when what’s actually happening is that others are getting a somewhat fairer deal. When you’re accustomed to unjust privilege, equality feels like oppression, as the saying goes." (link to the whole article)

This is such a classic example of the way Solar individuals think. They don't really think in terms of privilege, justice, fairness etc??? They just think you can work hard enough to erase all the other socio-economic-political barriers that make things harder for others?? This is of course until they've had first hand experience of difficulties of this sort lmao but they are naturally not wired to think too much, they're very simple minded, like Tarzan, that's why Sun is the most Yang of energies. Its a very action-goal oriented line of thought. They are almost incapable of thinking in abstract or trying to see things within the context and subtext in which it has occurred.

This is also why they are often very academically gifted. Naturally intelligent people struggle the most in school because their brains are not wired to endure the structure and mechanical system of learning that our education system enforces. Intelligence by definition necessitates that the person possessing it is capable of thinking unconventionally and that means finding the school environment really limiting or restrictive bc schools fr be killing the joy of learning.

Solar individuals thrive within these systems because they seldom, if ever, question the system itself, they just learn their material and write the exam. They do not think "unconventionally" or beyond the binary in any way. They accept what they learn to be true and they are more focused on working within the system to climb its ranks. If this is the system we're in, they want to be THE BEST in it and they will master all of its rules to work with it to beat it??

This is why all Solar naks are at the very top of the caste hierarchy, Krittika is a Brahmin nak whereas Uttaraphalguni & Uttarashadha are both Kshatriya naks

Solar individuals are lowkey one of the least empathetic types. I dont mean this to be harsh but they're not very emotionally intelligent and its really hard for them to read a room or intuitively pick up on how someone's feeling/what's on their mind. You reallyyyy need to spell things out for them. It does not come to them naturally to understand how others think or to put themselves in the shoes of others because for Solar individuals everything is kind of a competition and when its a battle of survival, you dont stop to think how your opponents are feeling? this is not to say that they're in "survival mode",, Solars are too unbothered to be in fight or flight 24/7, its just the Tarzan mindset tbh. If you're an animal in the jungle, the jungle is your home, you understand how it operates, how you must hunt or starve, you know what your odds are, you cant be here feeling too empathetic towards other creatures knowing full well that you have to hunt them down and eat them or otherwise starve yourself to death. Animals are comfortable, secure and chill in their habitat but they also understand the stakes so they're always survival minded? Because it truly is each for his/her own out there.

Mark Wahlberg- Krittika Stellium (Mercury, Venus AK and Saturn)

Wahlberg is an A class asshole. In the 80s he assaulted two elderly Vietnamese men and a group of black children all the while hurling racist abuses at them.

Here is a clip from one of his movies:

I know its a film but this is for real how Solar men view the world. They see everything as a "conquest". (Tarzan mentality)

The simple minded Tarzan mentality is also why in the books and movies, Tarzan is unable to cope with civilization and returns to the jungle. The author said it's because Tarzan saw the world as too corrupt which is perhaps true but it's also because having lived in a jungle where the ruled are pretty simple and standard, being a member of society means adhering to many unspoken ruled and conventions. Solar individuals find it THE hardest to do so and when they're actual being true to themselves, they act like apes of the Howard Stern school.

Salvador Dali, Krittika Stellium (Sun, Mercury & Mars)

To make matters worse, he was UBP Moon (the influence of multiple malefic planets makes one more prone to being an asshole) and I have extensively covered his wrongdoings in my post about Saturnian men

However, for now I want to focus on how Dali was a Nazi sympathizer,

He was also obsessed with Hitler in a perverse way and apparently had homoerotic fantasies of him lmao??

He was once quoted as saying:

"I often dreamed of Hitler as a woman. His flesh, which I had imagined whiter than white, ravished me… There was no reason for me to stop telling one and all that to me Hitler embodied the perfect image of the great masochist who would unleash a world war solely for the pleasure of losing and burying himself beneath the rubble of an empire; the gratuitous action par excellence that should indeed have warranted the admiration of the Surrealists."

He was a big old fascist who also supported the Spanish dictator Franco which made Picasso stop talking to him for the rest of his life.

In 1975, when General Franco executed many people, hundreds and thousands of fascists gathered in support of Franco, chanting his name and making fascists salutes. When the world condemned this appalling act, Dali praised Franco and called him the “greatest hero of Spain.”

George Orwell, a strong critic of the fascist rule in Spain, despised Dali and wrote —

“During the Spanish Civil War, he astutely avoids taking sides and makes a trip to Italy. He feels himself more and more drawn towards the aristocracy, frequents smart salons, finds himself wealthy patrons, and is photographed with the plump Vicomte de Noailles, whom he describes as his ‘Maecenas.’”

Salvador Dali was nicknamed ávida dollars (“eager for dollars”) by his former surrealist friends for selling his consciousness and idealism for money and fame.

Average Solar behaviour

When I talk about Tarzan mentality, I'm referring to how lions dont feel remorse at the thought of killing deers. Its not in their nature to feel remorse. The hierarchy of the eco system is such that lions are predators and its their job to hunt. They are by biological design, carnivores. Its a bit sickening to think of how like animals, who have no choice but to be brutal to survive, Solar individuals often have this ruthless ambition to do absolutely anything to get ahead in life. The world we live in, is a capitalist, patriarchal world and the people who thrive in it are ones who are willing to overlook or dont see the faults in the system at all.

The ones who sit at the very top of the pyramid did not get there by being compassionate angels. 3/4 Brahmin caste naks are "ugra" or violent nakshatras, Krittika is the exception, as it is a "mishra" nakshatra (mishra means "mixed"). The ones at the very top are the most brutal and fierce. There is no other way to get to the top in this world.

Carrie Fisher, Krittika Moon

The singer James Blunt (Shatabhisha stellium) who was besties with Carrie, wrote in his memoir:

“I was closer to Carrie than almost anyone else in the world, except my wife. She told me which girlfriends weren’t suitable, was the first person I told when I met my wife, and we chose engagement rings for her together.

She also knew where every unmarked grave of mine lay and where every guilt stemmed from. She was complicit too. When I arrived home one morning with a love bite on my neck, and my girlfriend of the moment about to arrive, Carrie grabbed her 16-year-old daughter and gave her a love bite as well.

Then Carrie summoned me over, offering her own neck, and told me to give her a love bite. When the girlfriend arrived, we all had love bites.

There was also an issue with drugs. Carrie had long been open about her addiction, but at some point it was obvious enough to be of concern.

I stood many times at the foot of her bed at 3am listening to the laboured breathing of someone sounding close to death on heavy medication. Not long before she died, I asked her to be godmother to my son, telling her that I wanted her to take care of herself so that he might know her when he grew up.

Charlie, her best friend, confronted her more directly and told her she needed to quit drugs, but was ostracised by her as a result. I took a different approach and did them with her, pretending to myself that I would guide her to redemption one day – just not today.

The lies we tell ourselves are the ­hardest to forgive. As a result, her ­daughter Billie blames me in part for her death, and no longer speaks to me. They buried Carrie’s ashes in a giant ceramic Prozac pill. You can see a picture of it on the CD disc of my first album. There are only two of them in the world, and the other one is my most treasured possession.”

Krittika being a "mishra" or mixed nak means that its just as capable of being tender as it is of being destructive. There are only 2 mishra naks. The other one is Vishaka.

Carrie took James in before he had even made his debut and he lived with her and recorded the songs of his first album in her house. They had a long lasting friendship, all of this points to the kind, nurturing, almost maternal nature of Krittika but the other behaviour he mentioned, including the love bite giving lmao?? Krittika is a Solar nak and they wouldnt be who they are if they weren't competitive for no reason lol and ostracizing people who mean well??? Solarcore AF

I assure you trying to give advice to a Solar is pointless because like the Sun, they too are blinded by their own light, they see nothing, they comprehend nothing except their own projections. Plato's allegory of the cave was about Solars, I swear lmao. The truth can be very very obvious to absolutely everybody else but a Solar WILL NOT SEE IT

They embody this meme:

They're very low on emotional intelligence tbh. You could tell a Solar that someone almost murdered you and they'd be like "oh he's not very nice, is he?" 😭😭😭 I think it's also part of their simple minded Tarzan thinking. They take everything at face value and are straightforward to a fault. They just don't know or understand how crooked people can be.

I have Krittika Moon friend who is dating a Hasta Moon man (Solar x Lunar couples 🤧) and he was disgusting to me IN FRONT OF HER and he's been nasty af to many other women we all know and she wasn't his girlfriend at the time. But even after she knew all of this, she went on to date him and now they've been together for over a year lmao 🤮🤢🤮

They do not see the faults with themselves or with people they love. They live in a bubble of delulu and completely believe that all that glitters IS GOLD. They can be soooo naive, its insane. Theyre naive girls in bad bitch packaging.

Solar individuals struggle more than any other type to understand that things are not always black and white and that real life is veryyy complicated because people are complicated. In the jungle, such abstractions do not exist, things are very black and white, you can easily arrive at solutions by thinking in a very binary way. Sun nakshatras are focused on survival and this mentality warps their mindset from perceiving things in a more complex and nuanced way.

I want to emphasize once more that survival mentality is NOT being in flight/fight mode,, its more so about operating from a place of maximum efficiency and cutting out all the unnecessary bullshit. But being in survival mode is not living. We are not animals and there is more to life than just...surviving.. and thriving..

Solar individuals are the type for whom every kind of experience is a status symbol of some sort. Be it being desired, succeeding at school/work, making x amount of money, they dgaf about "enjoying" things, they are absolutely not the "stop to smell the roses" type, they want to be like the people who they envy or look up to, they want all those markers of success. Ask them about their motivations and you'll seldom hear of an emotional one.

They're mostly driven by a need to do well in life just because. We live in a world where money is king, and where certain things are conventional indicators of success and even if they have absolutely no desire for a certain kind of house, or car or brand or relationship, they do not want to be perceived as someone who is incapable of having it???? so they work hard to get it?? They get it for show, basically.

There is a reason why the ONLY nak without a yoni consort is a Solar nakshatra (Uttarashada). The height of Solar energy is such that its truly each for his/her own, no partners whatsoever.

Jack London, Uttarashadha Sun

He wrote books like a The Call of the Wild and numerous other adventure stories which are all about surviving in the wild by yourself lol

Its funny how literally the themes of certain naks and planetary influences are made manifest

 Richard Gadd- Krittika Sun and Venus

He is the star and maker of Baby Reindeer, which, if you really think about it, is a survival story. You have got to ask yourself is someone subject you to brutal stalking of the kind Gadd was subject to, would you spend YEARS of your career performing and reliving it? There could be many reasons why he chose to do so and many have found it highly problematic how a man whose privacy was so brutally invaded for so long would do so little to properly hide the identities of the real people he's talking about (his stalker was found out by netizens and she's been receiving death threats etc).

I feel like it points to the nature of the Sun. They will have the last word always and even when they're losing, they'll drag you down with them. But beyond that, I feel like it points to the ambition and tenacity of Krittika and their sheer will power.

Pitbull, Uttarashadha Sun, Krittika Moon & Rising

His life story is extremely Solar

The "American dream" tbh is a very Yang one and a very Solar one

He was born in USA to immigrant parents.His family has a history of fighting against the Castro regime in Cuba. When he was three, he could recite the works of Cuban national hero and poet José Martí in Spanish. He learned English by watching Sesame Street as a child. His father was largely absent from his childhood; his parents separated when he was young, and he was raised mostly by his mother, later stating: "my mom is my father and my mother." He briefly stayed with a foster family in Roswell, Georgia. His parents struggled with substance abuse; as a teenager, he was also involved with drug use and dealing, which eventually led to him getting kicked out of the family house.

Divorce, war, natural calamities, destruction of any kind is veryyy common for people born under Krittika, Ardra, Uttarashadha, Jyeshta, Ashlesha nakshatras.

Pitbull's parents were separated, they fled Cuba, he was kicked out and was literally left to fend for himself.

He said he chose his stage name of Pitbull because the dogs "bite to lock. The dog is too stupid to lose. And they're outlawed in Dade County. They're basically everything that I am. It's been a constant fight". Literally so Solarcoded??

I'll end this post here, I have more posts to come about Krittika and Solar naks so stay tuned. I hope this was insightful

I am sooooo sorry that I have been soooo slow with my uploads lately,, I just have a lot on my plate atm 😭😭😭I am going to try my best to be more consistent cause I want to finish this series asap as I have several other pending posts to make UGHH

[turtlesandfrogs]

So, here's the problem: the longer I work in gardening and landscaping, the more I care about the ecological impacts of native plants, and the less I care about aesthetics. Which is a problem, when most clients' primary concern is that their yard looks nice. Which, fair, I just don't care as much about it as they do and I feel like I could be making a bigger impact than I currently am.

So I'm thinking of quitting this job and going one of two entirely different directions, and for some reason it's rather hard to choose.

Option A is starting my own native plant nursery, which would focus on small (4 inch and gallon pot sized) native plants, with a focus on plants that are most important for native pollinators (especially those that are endangered or threatened where I am). There's some competition, but mostly at selling-to-landscapers level and not retail, and I'd want to focus on retail sales.

Option B is to get a job with the state doing some kind of ecological restoration work. The problem with that is my bachelor's degree is over a decade old and I don't actually have the kind of experience to put on my resume that would likely convince them that I can do the work (unless a combination of teaching and being self-employed as a gardener that helps people incorporate native plants and removes invasive species counts, which maybe?). So I'd probably have to take a lower level job and one that's further away to get in, and then work my way up.

Option A has the upsides of: completely setting my own schedule, getting to work with plants most of the time, getting to work with my partner, flexibility to decide I want to start teaching classes again or something. It has the down sides of having to do taxes multiple times per year, and not being guaranteed to work, and either needing to take out a business loan to get started or work at a day job to fund starting it up. Also if it fails I'll have to get another job without have professional references again, which yikes.

Option B has the upside of once you're in state work, it's way easier to get other state jobs so if I burn out of one job, I can hop to another relatively easily, will almost certainly make more money, comes with health insurance and retirement savings, and is likely the more stable option. On the down side, it would mean working 40 hours a week without getting to pick my schedule and it would be harder to take time off than it is now, I'll have to work my way up to a comfortable salary, and there's a lot less autonomy than when self employed. But I'll also have professional references out the wazoo, so finding new jobs should be easier?

One of the things that concerns me is I have ADHD and up until teaching, the longest I ever stayed in one job was almost 2 years. I taught for 4 years, then was self-employed as a gardener for 4 years, and now I've worked for this landscaping company for just over a year (and am grumpy about a) not making much money and b) aesthetics and only providing services to people who can afford us, rather than say, improving the environment for everyone). So I'm actually kinda afraid that if I started the native plant nursery, I would get sick of it after less than 5 years and be starting from scratch again. Whereas with a state job, I can pop over to a new job fairly easily. On the other hand, maybe I'm just doubting myself too much because all of those other jobs were actually really bad matches for me.

Anyway, my brain is going in circles over this. I mean, really, part of me thinks I should stay at this job even though it doesn't pay much compared to what I could make elsewhere (I have learned a lot though, which can be transfered to other jobs) just because it's so low stress compared to any other job I've had in the last decade & because the people are great and the work isn't bad. It just galls me that occasionally clients have ideas that I strongly disagree with, like cutting down a very nice magnolia tree because "it's too big" and I just have to do it because I'm an employee now. Ugh.

[silenzahra]

Chronicle of an announced concert ✨

June 8th was an important day for me. In other circumstances, I would've been in Madrid for the Book Fair with my bookish friends, but this year was different.

And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I had been waiting for this date since December last year, when a concert of my favorite band in Sevilla, close to where I live, was announced. I immediately ran to grab my tickets, but I swear, that day, the whole of Spain was on that website and the tickets flew. I could manage to get two for the stands at least, even if this is a group that always makes me wanna dance and jump with their rhythm, but I'd seen them from the stands in the past and the people would stand up during the concert, so I was happy. I was gonna see Estopa after all.

Now, this wasn't going to be my first time seeing them live, as I've been "estopera" since I was 10 (according to my mom; I actually thought I'd been since I was 8, when their first album came out back in 1999 🤭). This, actually, was going to be my 9th time seeing Estopa live, being the first one back in 2006, when they came to my very city. I was 14 back then and I immediately became addicted to Estopa's concerts.

And finally, after long months waiting... the day came! 🤩

As I warned here, this post is mostly gonna be me fangirling over Estopa, though I'll also mention the Mario Brothers as I intend to take inspiration from my experience to write a story based on my musicians headcanons. Obviously, you're totally free to read everything or just the parts that focus on Super Mario! (or ignore this post too ofc 😂)

If you choose to read everything, make sure to grab a snack and a drink and make yourself comfortable, because this is gonna be VERY long. Here we go! 👏

The concert was held in Sevilla, so I traveled there with my mom and we spent the day together touring a bit around the city and such. At 7.30PM more or less, we headed to the place where the concert would take place, and it was funny because literally every single person on that bus was going to the exact same place 😂 After all, tickets were sold out! So you best believe, when we reached the place at last, the bus was left empty 😂

We found our places easily and were happy that we could be seated in the end, mostly for my mom. And a bit for me too... I'm not a young teen anymore 😅 Age does take its toll, and even if I LOVE jumping and dancing during a concert, I'm glad I can be seated at times and rest a bit.

I obviously had to take some pics before the concert started, and I also went and bought some merch as a good estopera 😁 I already had a couple of these bracelets from previous concerts (the two on the bottom), and I added two more to my collection! ✨

This is what I mean when I tell you I'm a hardcore Estopa fan 😂

If I may add, I did record some videos of the concert, but it's mostly me "singing" (I can't sing lol 😂), and since I got up and jumped and danced most of the time, the videos don't have quality whatsoever. So instead of showing them, what I'll do is share some videos I've found on the internet by some other people who were there too! Mostly this youtube channel but also this one for the last videos. Hope that's okay and that you enjoy the videos if you see them! 💖

Now, ever since the very first time I saw Estopa live, they always make us wait a little bit more past the starting time. This means it was 10.15PM when the Muñoz Brothers finally came on stage and started singing the very first song of their very first album! 🤩

Yes, they do like big special effects, and yes, there's a Stop signal on stage, as their name is, after all "Stop" but with an E at the beginning and an A at the end 😂 It's even part of their trademark! Jump to 2.21 if you wanna se the moment they finally appear and to 2.36 for the actual beginning of the song! (and see how the people immediately start singing, you BET I was doing the exact same thing 😁).

Also, 3.49 for a silly moment of David "playing" with the Stop signal, and 4.05 to see them singing together face to face... and then do this 👇 (source)

THE FREAKING BEGINNING OF THE FREAKING CONCERT AND THEY WERE ALREADY DOING THIS. I saw it through the big screens on the sides and I MELTED AND SCREAMED 😭😭😭 These two doing the forehead touch like Mario and Luigi, I seriously cannot get over it, and especially with those faces, the knowing look they're sharing, the LOVE. David and Jose are SO Mario and Luigi coded and I love the four of them SO MUCH 🥹🥹🥹

Besides, in that part of the song, they were literally singing "And I'm still here by your side until the wind takes me away." Isn't that fitting for them sharing this beautiful moment right afterwards??? 🥹🥹🥹 (Also, in case you're wondering... yes, that's my new lockscreen 🤭🥹)

You know, this tour is to celebrate not only the release of their latest album, but also their 25th anniversary since they started in music. And, as David said after this and another song (they usually start with one and then link to a second before they make a short stop to say hello and breathe a bit), this concert in Sevilla happened to be the most crowded one of their entire career 🤩 The whole place was filled to the brim and they couldn't believe it! They kept on thanking everyone for coming, and David literally said while laughing: "We're gonna give a concert with all the songs that we know" 😂

They certainly gave an amazing concert! 🤩🤩🤩 They brought back many old songs they hadn't played live in a few years, as well as their greatest and best known bangers, of course, and it was truly a delight for me! 😁😁😁 As I said, I've seen them live 9 times counting this one, and I believe some of the songs they played last Saturday, I hadn't heard them live in more than a decade! So it truly was a pleasure that they decided to bring them back 😁

This one is an example! I literally hadn't heard it live since my very first concert back in 2006, so you bet I was singing and clapping and dancing to the fullest 😁😁😁 Especially during the last instrumental part, it literally had me jumping, and I couldn't stop thinking of my dear bestie @bberetd! 💖💖💖

Oh, and that little moment of the brothers singing as if they were talking to each other (2.33)... you BET I'm grabbing that for the future story I wanna write with Mario and Luigi 🥹🥹🥹 It fits so well!

Also, in that video, you'll se that many people are wearing some bracelets we were given at the entrance. We thought at first they were broken, because they wouldn't turn on, and it turns out they were all connected and they started to light up during the sixth song they played, one of my favorites! 🤩🤩🤩

Jump to 2.08 to see the bracelets lighting for the first time! And also to see all the people gathered there and vibing with Estopa, this is one of their best and most loved songs and everyone knows the lyrics 🤩 After all, you can see David letting us sing some lines in his stead during the entire video! 😁

Also... at the beginning of it, he was mentioning Taylor Swift 🤭 You see, this artist came to Spain and performed in Madrid on May 30th, and it was such a big event that it was even on the news! They know many people like her, and David couldn't help but mention her sometimes. In this video he was saying, "We're not as good-looking as Taylor Swift, but a little bit we are" 😂😂😂

In between songs, the brothers usually joked with each other, tell some silly stories, and sometimes they also took matters seriously. There was a point in the concert where David saw someone holding the flag of Extremadura, a region in Spain from where their parents are from and that they both hold close to their hearts. The flag happens to resemble another one, and David didn't hesitate to say: "You know, we didn't want to get into politics and shit, but I'm seeing the flag of Extremadura, which reminds me a lot of the Palestinian one, and I can't help but think of the thousands of children that are being massacred in Palestine. We know we can't really do much from here, but we'd like to show our support."

And, you know, considering Estopa is one of the biggest and most well-known groups in my country and many other Spanish-speaking places, I believe it's wonderful that David decided to say this. He knows they have a great audience, that their voices are truly heard, and he decided to do something good with it (aside from their music of course). Not many famous people dare to openly speak about such issues and I couldn't be more thankful that they did 🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸

Another big moment on stage was when they brought a car on stage. Yes, a freaking car 😂 As David explained, he had heard Ricky Martin say something like "You can't bring a car on stage," and according to David's own words, he immediately turned to his brother and said, "Hold my beer, Jose." And they brought the freaking car on stage 😂😂😂 Isn't that something that our beloved Mario would do??? Being told you can't do something and then doing it??? David is SO MUCH like him OMG ❤️❤️❤️

I'm not an expert whatsoever, but apparently, this is a Seat Panda! It's a very old kind of car, I believe it's not even made anymore, but it has its history with Estopa 🤭 First of all, they used to work at a factory that made car pieces for Seat (Wrecking Crew, anyone? Only not car pieces 😂), and a specific Seat Panda is mentioned in their absolute most famous song. Literally every single Spanish person knows this song even if they can't remember who sings it, but believe me when I say it's the GREATEST banger in my country. Perhaps even you have heard it, if you happen to know someone who speaks Spanish! It's their most well-known song after all 👏👏👏

Yes, at the beginning they are, again, joking and being silly 😂 And having a great time! I just love how they both have lots of fun in their concerts, whether they're singing or chatting between songs 🥰 Then David starts listing a few things they like referring to the typical village festivals, and please, just look at how the people immediately starts vibing as soon as David finally begins to sing!

And the chorus!!! They literally let us sing the chorus, they even stopped the music 😂 La raja de tu falda, my dear friends. THE banger. The very first song that launched them to fame back in 1999. A fucking anthem I swear. Even more famous than the Spanish actual anthem (which has no lyrics btw 😂😂😂).

Back to the car on stage, I cracked up, because Jose was inside as if he were driving, but David was pushing the car from behind 😂😂😂 And they wouldn't stop signaling at each other as if they were like "Move on a little more!" "Stop right there!" "Go on, go on!" and David even went like "Push, Jose!" They're so silly, I swear 😂😂😂 My mom and I couldn't stop laughing 😂😂😂

And then David jumped onto the car to sing the next song! Unfortunately I couldn't find any long videos for this one, but I did see a couple of Instagram stories and recorded a little bit 🤭 They both ended up on top of the car singing together like the amazing team they are, and then Jose jumped down of it and offered his hand to David to help him down. Mario and Luigi, I say 💚❤️✨

I tried to go and edit two different videos (Instagram stories, which means both of them are short). The first one doesn't have a very good quality and whoever recorded it was singing just like I was during the entire concert 😂 And the second one is also very short (again, Instagram story), but still I hope you can get to see them singing together even if for a few seconds! 💖

Also, something I'm also including in my story is a line that has become very famous in the history of Estopa 🤭 You see, in a couple of songs, right before the beats go high and hard, David sometimes says "Come on, Jose!" and he also does it during the concerts, although the audience is always faster and start saying it before David has the chance to 😂 And something that I love is that, once David finally says it while laughing and looking at his brother, then Jose goes "Come on, Andalucía!" and oh GOSH I AM including this in the future fic 😍😍😍 Mario telling Luigi "Come on, Lu!" to go on singing and playing, and then Luigi turning to the audience and screaming back "Come on, Mushroom Kingdom!" or Sarasaland or wherever they're playing 😍😍😍

Unfortunately I could only find this video from last Saturday's concert, but it's SO long and it includes a flamenco-centered part at first that I didn't want to add it here, but if you follow the link, you can go to 8.22 to hear David saying "Come on, Jose!" first and then Jose adding "Come on, Andalucía!" You'll see David laughing because all of Sevilla has already said his line before he did 😂

A few more pics that I'm definitely taking as inspiration! 😁😁😁 (source)

I especially LOVED when David cheered us on with things like "Come on, Andalucía!" or "Keep clapping!" or even "Those horns to the sky of Sevilla!" during the entire concert, as well as turning the mic towards the audience like he's doing on the last pic! You certainly cannot be bored at a concert of these two, they won't let you take a breath for even a second 😁😂 (also, the look Jose is giving David on the second to last pic 😍😍😍)

There were a couple of funny moments where David forgot the lyrics and his brother immediately looked at him like, "That's not how it goes!" 😂 Heck, David even had to stop a song for a second and ask his brother for help, and neither of them could stop laughing 😂😂😂 You BET I'm also including something like that, I like the thought of Mario being so devoted to the music and the concert and the audience clapping and cheering that he forgets the lyrics, and he immediately runs to Luigi for help, and again, they're both cracking up 😂😂😂

Also! Jose, the main guitarist, has a few songs that he sings mostly alone with his brother backing him (they normally do it backwards: David is the lead singer and Jose plays the guitar and backs his brother). The most famous one is Ya no me acuerdo, a very beautiful ballad that everybody sings along with him, but in this case, I'd like to show you the videoclip instead of a video from the concert, as it's also gonna be a great source of inspiration. I mean, just look at it! 👇

Right at the eighth second they do something that I included in my headcanon post! They put their index fingers on each other's brow to help concentrate right before going on stage. And, please, don't miss 1.56: David jumping right next to his brother and staring proudly and happily at him as he sings 🥹🥹🥹 Mario, Mario, MARIO doing that while Luigi sings, I'm literally SCREAMING AAAAHHHH 😭😭😭

Also. 2.46. The look David gives Jose. The pride. THE LOVE. AW I swear I have CHILLS just by rewatching this videoclip, it's been FOREVER since I last saw it and some of these parts, I had forgotten about them 🥹🥹🥹

But I hadn't forgotten about the hug at the end (3.19), and the way they sing together, and David screaming "¡Ole mi hermano!" 🥹 It could be translated as "Bravo, my brother!" or something like that, "Ole" really has no translation as it's the way we Spaniards express our support, something we say as we clap or to congratulate someone 😂 Actually, I was screaming "Ole" every single time they finished a song as I clapped 😂 I guess it could be our equivalent to "Bravo", which is why I chose that specific word to give it some sort of translation 😅

But yeah, the thing is: Mario looking at Luigi while he sings alone, joining him in some parts of the song, and then going like "Bravo!" or "That's my bro!" right before they hug. Also, the part where David is pressing his fist against Jose's arm (2.27), the line he's singing says: "They say time and oblivion are like twin brothers." SO PERFECT. They may not be specifically twins, but they've stated many times that they feel as if they were, and we all know two brothers who are actual twins, so more inspiration!!! 😁😁😁 My gosh, how I LOVE that my favorite band is inspiring me so much 🥹🥹🥹

Actually, they've inspired me a lot throughout my life! The first two novels I wrote, I owe them not only to Mario and Luigi, but also to Estopa. The first one starred two brothers who travelled in time, and the second one was inspired by this videoclip that they made as if it were the trailer for an action movie. They also played this song, btw, and it was SO GREAT to hear it live again after so many years 🥹 Yeah, these videos are old, the song Ya no me acuerdo turns 20 this year and Cuando amanece is 16. And... I am old too 😅

I would've liked to show you a video of the ending of the concert, but unfortunately, I haven't been able to find any that has enough quality so you can see them singing together and a silly dance they do right as they say goodbye. So I had to go to a different concert! This one took place in Cádiz back in 2022 and I was also among the crowd 😁 This video is from then, and this is the last song they always play, another FREAKING anthem: Como Camarón.

Something that I LOVE and that David also did in the concert in Sevilla from two days ago is including everyone. In case you don't know, Spanish is a language that marks the gender a lot, and because of patriarchy, it tends to be very male-centric, being "todos" the word that has always been used to refer to everyone no matter their gender. Something that we've started to do recently is adding not only "todas", which is the female form, but also "todes", which refers mostly to nb people but is also a way to include everybody regardless their gender. And David said in both concerts, both when greeting and when saying goodbye, "todos, todas y todes". Inclusive brothers. I love them even more 💖💖💖

But yeah! This is their goodbye song. I LOVE IT 🤩🤩🤩 Como Camarón is one of my absolute favorites, and I LOVE listening to it live, but it always gives me a feeling of bitterness, as the fact that they're singing it means the concert is coming to an end. So you bet I always jump and scream to the top of my lungs, as I LOVE the lyrics, and I obviously did it both in the concert from 2022 and in the one from last Saturday 😁

It can't be seen very clearly, but at 3.43 they start hugging 🥹 They always hug at the end of the concerts, they also did it in Sevilla and I was melting 😭😭😭 Also, 4.28! What they do there after waving at the audience and such, that silly dance in which they grab each other's hands and make the other spin to pretend a silly dance, they also did it this past weekend! 😂 Again, I saw it through the big screens, but it's something that has been etched in my mind and, guess what... I'm also adding it to my story with Mario and Luigi 😌 After all, they're two silly goobers like Estopa, so of course they're also gonna be dancing 🤭

And referring to that concert from 2022, in my musicians post I also shared this video in which they also dance! So... more inspiration!!! 😁😁😁

Go to 3.28 to see how David beckons his brother to come closer, as that part of this song (yet another very famous banger) always has the audience screaming ESTOPA, and immediately, they start dancing again 😂 And David even pretends to fall at 3.49 so that Jose has to grab him, I swear I can never have enough of these two sillies making these dances on stage 😂😂😂 They're but another proof that they're having the time of their lives while playing, and I obviously intend to reflect that with Mario and Luigi! 😁😁😁

So this is it! I know this post got even longer than expected, but I didn't want to leave anything out. I know seeing this through a screen is not the same as actually seeing your favorite band live, because that's certainly a feeling that can't be described with words. You have to experience it firsthand in order to fully understand what it truly means, at least that's my case with Estopa.

More than half of my life being their fan and they never, ever disappoint. I could never get tired of going to concert after concert of the Muñoz Brothers. I simply cannot put down to words what I feel when I see them there, in front of me, so close yet so far, giving it all while they throw banger after banger to your face and continue to joke between songs.

Saying that they're great, that their concerts are one of the most powerful and intense things you'll ever experience in your life, would be an understatement. Estopa is simply another level. It's not having time to breathe between songs and, even so, never wanting it to end. It's having the chance to sing along to your favorite songs with a crowd of other fans and, moreover, the artists themselves. It's not knowing what they'll come up with next, what surprises they're keeping in store with their jokes, their songs, the staging, and enjoying everything to the fullest.

For me, this concert meant nostalgia. It meant having the chance not only to see again my favorite band live, but, as I said, to enjoy some old songs that I hadn't heard live in a very long time. And the feeling of hearing them again... I swear, in most of the videos I recorded, at the beginning of the songs I'm like "OH MY FREAKING GOD THEY'RE SINGING THIS ONE!!!!!! 🤩🤩🤩"

And you know the best part? After so many years going to Estopa concerts, I've already learned to recognize what songs they're about to play just by the very first notes or something they say at the beginning 🤭 For instance, when Jose starts narrating a story in the video of Partiendo la pana I shared (the last one), I immediately know this is what's coming next. When David refers to the working-class people and says that they're dedicating their next song to them, I automatically know Pastillas de freno is coming (another freaking banger that makes me jump A LOT and that refers to their time working at the Seat factory). And when he starts saying goodbye, I'm always like, "No, please, don't start singing Como Camarón, not yet" 😂

But yeah... all good things come to an end. Luckily, I did enjoy this concert to the absolute fullest, and the best part is they're coming also very close to my city in August. So guess who's repeating the Estopa experience later this summer 😁😁😁 That one will be my 10th Estopa concert OMG... When I say I can never get enough of these two and their music I'm not exaggerating even a little bit 😂😂😂

Also! This is the merch that I bought! 🤩

Estopía is the name of their latest album, as alluding to the word utopia. The pork on the back appeared on their second album, Destrangis, and they brought it back to commemorate their 25 years being Estopa (Extremadura, their parents' homeland, is famous for raising these porks). The other t-shirt, as you can see, actually celebrates this fact, and displays the whole list of places they're visiting or have visited during this tour. Actually the shirt I was wearing for this concert, I bought it at the Cádiz concert in 2022 and it also includes the list of that year's tour on the back, so of course I had to have the one for this year too 😁

Also, the keychain is a pick! They mostly play the Spanish guitar just with their fingers, but sometimes they use a pick, and other times they switch to an electric guitar so, again, pick! And the bracelets, I showed them at the beginning of this post, but to sum up: now I have four 😂

Gosh, thank you so much if you read it to the end 😂 I know this isn't directly related to the Super Mario franchise, but as this is also a pair of brothers, as you see, they're constantly inspiring me 😁 First the post I made back in March, and now the story that I'm planning 😁😁😁 I love love LOVE Estopa, and I love that they never stop inspiring me no matter how many years go by 💖💖💖

And I obviously LOVE seeing them live! Hope you enjoyed the songs if you gave them a listen, and I also hope you'll like the story once it's ready! (I don't know when it'll be though 😂 I have a very long list of WIPs, but we'll get there! 💪)

And before I go, if I may... This is before they made the forehead touch 👇 (source)

And this is right after they made it 👇 (source)

Estopa even went and made a thank you video that they posted on Instagram yesterday, they said this was the BEST concert in their entire career and their most-crowded one to date. And I honestly cannot believe that I was there with them 😭😭😭 I'm literally CRYING writing this, gosh, this band is so so SO important in my life. I owe them so much 🥹🥹🥹

Again, thank you if you read everything. I hope I could make you at least feel half the excitement and LOVE I feel for these two brothers from Barcelona. Long live Estopa 🤘🔥

[talon-dragonbeast]

i havent seen this experience talked about much in the nonhuman community, so i thought i could share mine.

i wasnt actually dragonkin as a child, or at least i dont think so. its not that i didnt realise it either, or that i didnt know being human wasnt the only option there was; i was completely, 100% human. well, maybe not 100%– i'd say more like 90%. you see, i was human as a child; that i can be sure of. but i think the possibility of becoming nonhuman, the potential for nonhumanity was always there. im not sure if its because of atypical brain structure, autism/neurodivergency, or just personality– nature vs nurture, and all that.

the thing is, i was human. and now im not. so what happened?

well, i... don't know exactly. but i have a theory.

my brain always had that potential nonhumanity, yes, but if child me hadn't loved animals as much as i did, if i hadn't stayed in the library at recess every day, if i hadn't found a book on dragons and absorbed myself in what would become a long-term special interest, if i had more friends in school... the list goes on. basically, if things had been a little different, i might not even be nonhuman today. i would still be me, of course, but a different me. a human me.

so why am i sharing this? i always read about other critters' experiences with their nonhumanity, and ive noticed that a very common experience is being born nonhuman. on the other claw, there are critters that were human before, but then experienced something that made them become nonhuman. this is not to invalidate any of them, of course! but i had never heard of any experience that was between those two. and i realised that if i wanted to read experiences like mine, i had to write mine first! so, please, share yours! id love to read what you write, even if it's just a few sentences.

[rainbowlemonslices]

I hope you learn to listen to science. I genuinely wholeheartedly hope that your experience hasn't harmed you if you truly are a system. Trauma is tough, I hope you find peace.

Endos may be scientifically impossible, and the endo community has done horrible things to the system community as a whole, but I truly do hope you are okay, regardless of being horribly misinformed.

omg our first hate ask! our blog is big enough for that, yippee! /s

violet here! okay, so normally i wouldn’t respond to this kind of thing very intensely because honestly we don’t like getting into syscourse much. however, this is a good time and place to put our stance on things, as well as answer this ask anyways. (everything is going below the cut now since it is a bit long)

okay so first of all, i wanna address the fact that you are implying that we’ve had trauma, and this isn’t really true. sure we’ve had a few scary events and whatnot from when we were younger, but we don’t really have trauma. our family is and was, for the most part, kind and caring as well, and hasn’t informed us of any traumatic events.

back when we thought we were traumagenic, as it was the only type of system we had known of at the time, we were stumped on one thing. where our trauma was. and believe me when i say we dug and dug and dug, trying to find anything that would be traumatic. it became a major life focus, made us paranoid, and made us feel horrible that we hadn’t found anything. we tried to force memories that didn’t exist. starting becoming scared of things that had never happened to us. tried to reason that fictive exomemories must be telling us something about our past trauma. and yet, we found nothing.

so, despite having no trauma whatsoever, we still felt all of these things. we were scared, and felt horribly like frauds. during therapy sessions about plurality, we shared almost nothing because we were scared that because we couldn’t find our trauma, that we couldn’t be real. we were told by both the therapist and our mom that our headmates were not real. cyan started to push us away in fear. headmates began to hide themselves away too. even our happy littles, who are the whole reason we know we’re plural, hid. the only two people near the front were cyan and purple. both of them were screaming and crying at each other. cyan told purple to go away because e “wasn’t real”. purple broke, and after months of feeling so happy together, we broke apart, feeling more empty than before.

and yet, the headmates never really left. we continued to show up, even though many of us were in denial about being real. we are still there, a long time after being told we didn’t exist. we still experience changes in who controls the body, contrasting likes and dislikes, very different personalities from each other. we were still there.

so, we eventually stumbled onto the term endogenic, and things just kind of clicked. hearing that we are a system, even though it wasn’t caused by trauma was life changing. finally, we started to feel whole, we started to feel like we understood and belonged. we realized that we are still real, and much more real than we were when we were digging for trauma that didn’t exist. that’s how we know we’re real. we know our own experiences, and one person telling us that we’re “scientifically impossible” and doing “horrible things to the system community” isn’t going to change that fact that we exist.

however, i’m not done yet. you happened to say that endos are “scientifically impossible” and doing “horrible things to the system community”, as previously mentioned. however, these claims aren’t really very true.

firstly, i would love if you could provide me some actual evidence that endogenic systems can’t exist, since you are the one making such a claim. secondly, some evidence for endos being harmful would also be great as well.

thing number one, here is an article that is commonly brought up in endo related debates that i could not leave out. i suggest you check it out and give it a good read. since it is a source that mostly speaks for itself, i will simply let you read the many pages worth of information on endogenic systems.

in addition to that, here is another article i found on my own time, and while it is not particularly about endogenic systems, i felt it was informative regardless. i would like to preface this by saying i am not exact a fan of this article, as there were some parts that i didn’t like how it was written and what not, but it is a third person perspective, neutral group, with no bias. if i am reading it correctly (which i really do hope i am, though sometimes i do fail on my reading comprehension), the article is about the ties in plurality and other identities, as well as making comparisons in traumagenic plurality versus other pluralities, tulpas and endos. primarily, the comparison section is about tulpas and traumagenic, and i am not well educated on those, so i will be leaving that part at that. what i’m primarily here to call out is the way it describes how similar the experiences and symptoms are noted from both traumagenic systems and nontraumagenic systems, as well as the segments where it states that many traumagenic systems may not meet all the criteria’s for a diagnosis. i bring this up because it seems as if some anti endos think that to be plural you MUST fit all of the diagnostic criteria AND be traumagenic, when this does not appear to be true. the DSM is NOT a holy text, and scientists discover new things quite frequently.

for you last point, i’m a bit confused on where you’re getting that the endo community has “done horrible things to the system community as a whole”. i have never seen that before, and that is an incredibly bold claim to make without presenting any evidence of this happening. since i’m not exactly sure what you are talking about, or what you mean by “horrible things”, i will just says that endos are not harming the plural community. for starters, “plural” is a term that INCLUDES endos, and i believe it was MADE for this purpose (however i currently cannot find the source for this information, i have seen it many times). so, by pushing endos away, the PLURAL community is being harmed. i since i assume you are equating traumagenic to DID/OSDD (which i believe are not the same, but i am unsure of where any sources on that are either), i would also like to inform you that i have NEVER seen an endogenic system claim to have DID or OSDD. endogenic systems are NOT inherently claiming to be a disordered system. we are NOT taking away from traumagenic systems.

that being said, i would LOVE to inform you that we ARE okay, and are doing quite well as we are becoming informed on endogenic systems. thank you for your time to anyone who read this!

also please let me know if i said anything stupid, or messed up! i have no idea if i’m doing this right at all! i’ve never really done syscourse like this before so this is a first! (and please let me know if the second source is bad, since i bet someone is much better at reading and breaking down those types of studies and articles)

[creadigol]

Can you continue hero x villain teacher hero?

Thank you so much for the request! This is actually one of my favorite prompts and it was one of my first writing prompt ideas ever, years back before I even had a Tumblr. Due to my love of this one, it kinda got away from me and I wrote a lot. Like a lot. Lol.

I hope y’all enjoy! 

Part 1 and Part 2 here! 

Hero’s very shitty day was taking a turn for the better. 

This morning Hero had woken quite late (due to the extended hero-ing from last night), skipped breakfast, tripped on the curb, spilled their cold coffee, lost their parking space to a visiting mother, and almost got disciplinary action for arriving three minutes past their classroom attendance slot. 

After hearing the ‘ooohs’ and ‘ahhhs’ of various fourth graders, all of whom watched the principal reem Hero out in the hallway; Hero had finally obtained a sense of control over the class just after lunch. Of course that was after one of the kids had accidentally spilled finger paint on Hero’s chair and didn’t feel the need to tell them until Hero found themselves with a neon pink ass. 

As it was, just after lunch was their history time and Hero, not feeling too great about standing in front of the kids looking this disheveled; nor wanting to show off the new color of their pants, simply opted to play two episodes of Liberty’s Kids while the students sat on the carpet. The ploy seemed to work as not one student strayed from the carpet or asked to go to the bathroom. Hero stayed at the classroom sink, located just behind their desk, and tried to clean themselves as much as possible with the children distracted. 

Hero couldn’t help themselves from laughing along with the kids as the characters in the show told jokes and got into trouble while learning about the creation of The United States. Hero had forgotten how enjoyable the PBS show was and felt very nostalgic as they remembered the show premiering back when they were a child. Some things never age, Hero thought. 

So, all in all, the shitty day was getting better. Perhaps after the show Hero would give the kids a break from memorizing the different kinds of rocks and do a fun science experiment instead. With Hero’s powers they were sure they could make the demonstration look very cool without outing themselves as a super. Maybe they could win back their ‘awesome teacher’ status in the eyes of the kids after it had taken such a hit this morning. 

“Not exactly in style, but I must admit you wear it well.” Hero jumped and turned. How had they not heard someone come in? 

“I’m sorry?” Hero addressed the unknown adult. They turned from the sink, suddenly very aware that they had been wiping their backside with a wet paper towel. Pink was on their hands and now the floor at the attempt…not to mention still on their ass. 

Hero very nearly froze at the sight of the intimidating man. If not for their hero training they surely would have. 

He was tall, tall and brawny, but not in the typical sort of way. The muscle in his physique was evident underneath the expensive Italian silk suit; but there was also a leanness to it, like a coiled spring that spoke of agility and readiness. Hero wasn’t sure why, but they instantly felt off kilter, instantly felt tense, like when they are about to face off against a criminal or a villain. 

“Your ah…” the man smirked and chuckled, “choice of presentation…or should I say style, on your…well…” 

“Oh,” Hero noted the visitors-pass around the man's neck and felt a little of the apprehension fade. Perhaps they were just on edge due to the circumstances the man saw them in. “Not exactly my choice. This is courtesy of a young aspiring artist. She’s just too young to  know where her canvas is.” 

The man laughed jovially, “What a kind way of putting it!”

Hero heard some of the children snicker to themselves from over on the carpet, evidently finding the new stranger and their painted teacher much more interesting than the Revolutionary War. Hero tilted to one side so as to see past the newcomer and give their students ‘the look’.

“Pay attention please,” Hero chided. “You never know…I may be inclined to give you a quiz on this at the end of the day.” 

A series of ‘awwwws’ followed their remark. 

“But if you pay attention now, I might be in too good of a mood to write a quiz…”

All the kids turned back to the television with such force Hero was surprised there was no neck damage. All except for one. 

“Daddy!” 

Oh god. 

“Why hello Maria,” the man stooped down and scooped up the child who had run over from her place on the carpet. He hugged her and then placed her back down. Her stature only reached just past his waste. 

Hero felt their blood go cold. 

Daddy…Maria…

Maria, the student who was first in their class in everything but English…Maria, the student who all the other students named most popular…Maria, the student who aspired to be a veterinarian one day because she loved the class rabbit so much…Maria, the student Villain was most concerned about…

Maria, the student who was the daughter of Supervillain. 

Shit. 

“Are you here to talk to Teacher?” She asked sweetly, her gaze never leaving her father. 

The man nodded, “I am, so you best be a good girl and go back to watching what Teacher has put on.” 

She scrunched her face up in a pout, “But you’re going to talk about me.” 

He nodded as if it made no difference, “I am.” 

“So you’re not supposed to talk about people when they aren't there.” She crossed her arms and gave him a look of determination. 

The man, no Supervillain, laughed. “Is that so?”

She nodded sagely, “Yes. Teacher said so.” 

Supervillain fixed his gaze on Hero. Hero clenched at the sopping, paint dripping paper towel in their hand. 

They knew this day would come. Of course they did. But they had somehow hoped it wouldn’t. Hero was under the impression that Supervillain was not that active in his child’s life. Parent-teacher conferences had always been with Maria’s mother, who had stated that she was happily divorced, and all open houses and concerts had been devoid of Maria’s father ever since she had enrolled at the school. 

When Villain had brought up who Maria was, Hero had already known. After all, they were well connected in the hero world. 

It wasn’t that Hero purposely got Maria in their class, in fact it was the opposite. Hero tried to keep their two lives as separate as possible, but that was just how the dice fell. Hero didn’t get to choose who was in their class and Maria had been assigned to them. 

It was how Villain had found out their secret identity in the first place, their research into Supervillian’s private life had led them straight to Hero. 

Hero had said it was a small world.

Villain had said they best be careful. 

“Really? Well, I guess you better leave me and Teacher alone so they can teach me lessons like that.” Supervillain smiled at Hero. 

Maria was not deterred. 

“No, you just want to talk about my report card. But you can’t, because it’s not parent teacher day.”

Supervillain laughed again and ruffled her hair. “Not all parents need to wait for parent teacher day to talk about their children. It’s a parent’s right to bring up concerns to their children’s teachers, isn’t that right Teacher?” 

Hero gave a hesitant smile, “Yes, of course it is. Though most call first.”

Hero looked down at Maria, “You go back to the show, Maria, Benjamin Franklin’s about to speak to the French Parliament. I know how much you like him. ” 

She looked at Hero with suspicion, though with a hint of apprehension at the idea of missing anything involving Benjamin Franklin. 

Hero smiled warmly at her, “You won’t understand the book I’m loaning you if you don’t know what he did in France for the revolution.” 

Maria’s eyes lit up, “I can take your book home?” 

Hero nodded, “But only if you promise to take care of it for me. Now off you go.” 

“I will!”

She turned to her father and gave him a quick hug before hurrying back to her spot on the rug. Hero almost laughed when they saw her place her head on her fists in an effort to concentrate more on the words Benjamin Franklin was speaking. 

“Nicely done. Though I can’t say I condone bribery,” Supervillain crossed his arms, but still held the smile from before. 

“Well, at least it’s enriching bribery. I told her two weeks ago I had a book at home about Benjamin Franklin and she’s been after it ever since. I guess now I’ll have to bring it in.” Hero found themselves slipping into their normal Teacher to parent tone, though they were sure the tension in their shoulders was noticeable. 

“We’ll make sure to get it back to you just as it was,” Supervillain leaned on the desk and looked down at Hero in a conspiratorial way. Hero tried not to think about how Supervillain was taller than them even while leaning. “Now about Maria’s last report card…”

“Mr….” Hero cut them off.

“Escole,” Supervillain filled in easily, though his eyes rose. “Maria has my last name.” 

“Mr. Escole,” Hero hoped their voice held more bravery than they felt. “I didn’t want to say this in front of your daughter, but this is rather unorthodox. If you wanted to speak about her grades you could have made an appointment for later in the evening or perhaps during their lunch time…”

“Yes, yes,” Supervillain waved them off, “I meant to stop in during lunch but work got ahead of me. I’m sure you know how it is…” Supervillain gave them an up-down, no doubt seeing the old coffee spill mixed with paint and the tear in Hero’s pant leg from when they tripped earlier. “Some days are just chaotic.” 

“I know but…” Hero stopped at Supervillain’s raised hand.

“My darling Maria is too precious to be put on the wayside because of work, don’t you agree?” 

“Of course, but as I said…” In an instant Supervillain was in their face. Their tall body leaned over the desk as though there was no barrier between them. 

“I am a very busy man Teacher, so I’ll get right to the point. I don’t make appointments, people make them with me. When it comes to my daughter, I honestly don’t care whether you’re on lunch or in the middle of a lecture, I’ll be here and when I’m here we will talk. And when we talk, I expect you to listen and do what I want. Is that clear?” 

By the time Supervillain was done, not only was he only an inch away from Hero’s face, but his hand had found its way to Hero’s arm. The grip was tight and bruising, making Hero’s hand that held the pink paper towel shake. 

Every part of Hero wanted to fight, to get themselves out of Supervillain’s hands, but a stronger part of them was hyper aware of the children. They couldn’t fight here. They couldn’t do anything to endanger the children. 

“What do you want to talk about Mr. Escole?” Hero asked in a shaking whisper. 

Supervillain smiled, “Maria was right. You are smart.” 

Supervillain lounged on the desk and pulled on Hero’s arm to bring them down closer. “That new repairman that’s been hanging around…what’s their name?” 

Hero looked them in the eyes with confusion, though in their mind they started panicking. 

Good god, did he know about Villain? 

“I thought you wanted to talk about Maria’s English grade?” Hero spoke. 

“I know you’ll do what you need to with that. I’m not concerned about her grades. What I am concerned with is her account of her teacher being buddy-buddy with a new repairman. One that seems to do the majority of their work only in this classroom.” Supervillain narrowed their eyes at Hero’s large ones. 

“I don’t know what you mean…” Hero stumbled when a hand gripped their throat. Not tight, but plenty threatening. They hoped to god that the children were absorbed in the show. 

“Are you saying my daughter is a liar? That there is no repairman? Now, now Teacher, remember what Maria said? Can’t be talking about her while she’s not here.” 

“I,” Hero breathed raggedly. They couldn’t let this escalate with the children so close. “Every school has repairmen. I…I don’t know what you want.” 

Supervillain squeezed a bit tighter as he stared directly into Hero’s eyes. It took all of their willpower not to look away. What if Supervillain recognized them? They used to think their costume was foolproof, but after Villain had figured it out…now Hero wasn’t so sure. 

“Are all repairmen so attentive?” 

“I don’t know. They come and do their job.” I’m more focused on the kids, Hero almost said, but stopped. They didn’t want Supervillains attention turning the children right at this moment. 

“Nothing out of the ordinary?” Supervillain’s grip on their arm was so tight it felt like it was going to break. Hero suppressed their whimper.

“Not that I’ve seen.” They shook. 

“Then why are they here so often?” 

Hero blinked away tears of pain. “The classroom was in disrepair. It has been for a while. I thought we finally had the funds to fix everything,” They lied. 

“Why no funds?” Supervillain tilted his head. 

 Hero brought their hand up to grip Supervillain’s wrist by their neck when it got tighter. It only made Supervillain shake them. 

“Why no funds?” He asked again.

“I…I’m not sure,” Hero wheezed. “I think the city cut the money during the recession.” 

The hand got tighter. Hero started to see spots. Oh god, did Supervillain see right through them? 

Hero was pulled so close that they were nose to nose with Supervillain. Hero could smell his breath and feel every puff of air that came from his nose. The way Supervillain had positioned himself perfectly blocked what was happening from the children. At least there was that. 

“I want that repairmen gone. Immediately.” He paused, his gaze unwavering, “I expect you not to tell anyone of this encounter. If you do…well Maria will be upset, but there are always other teachers. She’ll get over it.”

Supervillain unceremoniously pushed Hero away. Hero collided onto their wooden swivel chair making the whole thing topple backwards. The crash called attention from all the children. 

“Teacher!”

“Oh no!”

“Teacher are you okay?” 

“What happened Teacher?” 

Supervillain gave a fake look of shock and placed their hand over their heart. “Oh my! Kids, it seems Teacher slipped and fell. Better make sure they’re alright.” 

It was through a throng of worried children that Hero saw Supervillain slip out of the room with a pat of goodbye to his daughter. 

Hero assured the kids that they were okay, just a few bruises. 

“That’s why we never leave water on the floor,” Hero said with a smile. “It was my own doing.” 

All the students laughed at Hero’s rare klutzy moment and were more than delighted when Hero told them they could eat snacks and watch Liberty’s Kids for the rest of the day, no quiz required. 

Once they were settled once again, Hero put their head down on the desk and tried to slow their breathing. 

They had only just got their heart-beat back down when they heard one of the kids approach their desk talking. 

“Teacher slipped and fell. It was after the mean man whispered at them. Now Teacher doesn’t feel so good.” 

“Mean man?” Asked another voice. 

Shit. Not now! Why are they here now? They already practically fixed everything in the school. 

“It was Maria’s dad, but we all call him the mean-man because he didn’t help Teacher up when they fell down.”  

“Maria’s dad?” The shuffling stopped at Hero’s desk. “And Teacher fell after they talked?” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“Well, you better get back to the show. I think Washington’s about to cross the Delaware. Don’t worry, I’ll check on Teacher.” 

“Okay! Thanks Repairman!”

There was silence. Hero could feel Villain’s eyes staring into as they kept their head down on the desk. 

“Hero,” Villain whispered. “What happened?” 

At first Hero said nothing, then, 

“Are any of the kids around?” Came Hero’s muffle reply. 

“Nope, they’re all eating cookies on the rug.” Hero felt the air change as Villain bent down closer. Unlike with Supervillain, Hero didn’t feel threatened at all. “Why?” 

“I don’t want them to see. It’s sure to have set in now.” 

Villain placed a hand on Hero’s shoulder, “What’s set in?” Hero could hear the urgency in their voice. “Phillip said Maria’s dad was here…”

“Supervillain was here.” Hero confirmed. “And,” Hero lifted their head. Villain sucked in a breath as they saw the dark bruising along Hero’s neck and the mark on their forehead from when they hit the ground. “We had a talk.” 

…

…

…

“I’m going to kill him.” 

@crow-with-a-typewriter @stevihj @waterflower20

[lotties-ashwagandha]

POWER CURES

tashi donaldson x fem!reader, word count 4.2k. NSFW!

your career in sports journalism has made you one of the most successful women in your field — a career you built on your own after you broke up with tashi donaldson at stanford. yet rivalry still burns between you, and whenever given the opportunity you can't help but add fuel to the fire. requested by @elaci who also writes for challengers so go follow :)

“It’s a miracle he’s still playing,” you say. “Art showed so much passion today, I could feel it. Maybe next time he could focus on hitting the ball instead of smashing ants on the court with his racket – it just sends the wrong message I think, not very eco-friendly.” 

Tashi shakes her head, attempting to brush off your comment, but you can feel the silent fury you’ve stirred up in her. Her expression is partially hidden by her sunglasses as the two of you stand at the edge of the court, her only guard from your scrutiny. It’s been nine years since you’ve spoken to her, but the four years you dedicated to her before that taught you every one of her tells. She’s different now – she wears her hair short, her makeup darker, age and experience have made her seem solemn. But you can feel it, that under all of the change she is still the same. 

“At least he still plays,” she says sharply. “You’re the critic, the journalist, but you would get on the court and get yourself knocked the fuck out. Art works, he doesn’t lock himself in the basement to write pity-party bullshit for money.” 

“Neither do I,” you smile. “I don’t write anything for money, though I do enjoy the benefits.” 

“You’ve always been greedy,” Tashi accuses. “You enjoy taking what isn’t yours, and destroying what you can’t reach.” 

You shrug. You won’t attempt to deny it – greed is what got you into this profession, and greed is what has held you up to survive it. Greed is what got you a million dollar mansion and the audience that paid for it, and greed is what has you standing at the side of Tashi Donaldson as you watch her husband step off the tennis court after losing another match to add to his streak this year. 

“If you write anything about this match, I will end your career,” Tashi says casually, because power means nothing to her, and using it is easy. She takes off her sunglasses, puts them in her purse that costs more money than your car. When she meets your eyes, there’s stoic sureness in her gaze. 

“It’s sweet that you think I only came here for you.” 

She gives you a hard look, searching you for the truth if she couldn’t trust it to come from your words. Whatever conclusion she would come up with was none of your concern – it’s true that you hadn’t come here for her, not completely. You’re here for another set of competitors, the headliners of the women’s division. If there was one thing you could use to define your career, it wouldn’t be the Donaldsons, or the Duncans – it would be your influence on women’s tennis. Your journalism through the years has put women in the spotlight of the sport, and for as long as you could you would continue the mission of keeping them there. 

But when you had seen Tashi’s husband playing in the final match of the day, and when you had seen her watching him alone at the sidelines, you couldn’t help but take advantage of it. Your comments and motives were petty, but deserved. 

You see Art begin to approach the two of you with his gym bag. “That’s my cue, isn’t it?” you ask. You try to avoid Art at all cost even after all these years, it creates a situation more awkward for you than for him. “I don’t think he needs me to lecture him, not again.” 

You begin to depart from Tashi’s side, but then you pause and turn back to her. “I’ll be in New Rochelle for the Challengers tournament in a few weeks,” you tell her. “Maybe there’s someone there your husband could beat, for a change.” 

Tashi scoffs, and you take your chance to leave before you can be joined by Art or any of the reporters or journalists following in his wake. You’ve done your work for the day, your air-conditioned hotel room is calling to you and you’re all too prepared to run to it. 

When you stand at the exit to the tennis court, you spare a look back in the direction of the Donaldsons. Tashi is immersed in giving feedback to Art as he stands in childlike submission. Her hands are planted on his shoulders, she’s looking into his eyes, and when she spares a look at the court a sense of nostalgia washes over you as you remember how it felt to watch her play. How she used to win every game she signed to compete in, how effortless her victories were. 

In a way, you miss it. You miss her. The promise of her victories that would pull you through in college, that you could look forward to watching and writing about. The memory of it sparks a flare of anger within you – four years, erased, yet still so potent in your memory. 

You turn away from the court. You push through the crowd, in your pride you stand a little taller than the rest. Against you is the only match Tashi Duncan could never win. 

You pass by the doors of the locker rooms on your way out. You know Tashi must have waited with Art in his locker room before the match started – a private locker room, you would suspect, or one they bought out for the day in a grand show of money.

You frown. How many times had you waited with Tashi in locker rooms until tournaments began, how many times had you come in after her matches to listen to her talk through them while she got ready to leave? Enough times to know you weren’t alone in reminiscing, that Tashi could escape the memories with no more ease than you could. 

THIRTEEN YEARS AGO, STANFORD. 

You resist a smile – you can’t let her win, though you can see she’s trying inexplicably hard to. She never takes it seriously when you try to interview her for assignments for your classes at Stanford. 

“I can’t put that in my paper,” you tell Tashi. “I’d get us kicked out.” 

Tashi shrugs, stepping toward you as you stand in the locker room alone together after her match. “You asked what I was thinking about during the game. I was thinking about you.” 

You roll your eyes. You lean back against the lockers, and Tashi takes advantage of it, coming up in front of you to box you in. Her eyes meet yours – her intensity is unmatched, even after she’s won every game of tennis this season that’s been thrown at her by the university. Power means nothing to her, because using it is easy. 

“You don’t believe me?” Tashi asks. Nothing goes unnoticed by her, it was brave to roll your eyes. “You’re all I think about.” 

“Tennis is all you think about.” 

Instead of correcting you, she kisses you. Your hands find her waist, and wrap around her back when you pull her closer. She consumes your thoughts, your mind, and you’re happy to keep it that way with disregard to the price you might pay for it. 

Tashi’s hands slip under your shirt. One travels up your side, under your bra. You arch into her touch, senses clouded with her – until you hear voices outside the locker room, people leaving the building. 

You pull out of the kiss as the voices fade, and immediately she’s kissing your neck. “This is a terrible idea,” you murmur half-heartedly. You want her to prove you wrong. 

“No one’s coming in, I was the last match.” 

“But they could come in.” 

“They won’t.” 

You don’t seem convinced. Tashi moves to look at you, and tilts her head. 

“Tell me you don’t want this,” she demands. You see how she craves you, she’s willing to indulge herself after her latest victory. It wouldn’t be the first time you would find yourself here, against the lockers with every intention of letting her use you in the way she wishes. She sees through your words – she knows you want this just as much as she does. 

“No,” you say, because you do want this. You’ve wanted her all morning, since you saw her warming up for her match. And even if someone were to come in and find you with her, pressed up against the lockers and at her will, it would only prove a fact you dream of everyone knowing anyway: that in every way, Tashi Duncan is yours. Audiences may celebrate her, anyone might desire her, but at the end of every day it’s you she comes home to. It’s you she wants. 

“Good,” she mutters, and presses you harder against the locker, pressing space between your legs with her knee. She kisses down your neck, and one of her hands travels below the waistband of your shorts while the other is still at your chest. Her hands are cold against the warmth of your skin, sending a chill rippling down your back. 

“Be quiet,” Tashi orders, and you nod. An empty promise, but you’ll try your best. “Good girl.” 

Her praise has you biting back a moan as her knee moves away and her hand slides between your thighs. You can’t hold her gaze, the gravity it holds. 

Your hips chase her hand as she circles your clit – your hips buck back against the lockers, and the sound echoes through the room, and your moan would accompany the noise if not muffled by Tashi’s hand over your mouth. A quick reaction on her end, she knows your body better than you do. 

“Quiet,” Tashi whispers. She presses a kiss to the edge of your jaw, below your ear. You try for a deep breath, but it’s shaky. “I’m fucking you here, and you’re moaning? Anyone could hear you. But you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

You nod again, her hand still over your mouth. Your eyes fall closed, her touch burns through you like fire. It’s not enough, it’s too much, it’s everything you need and more. 

Tashi feels the pleasure building in you – it inspires her to interrupt it, to pull both of her hands from you. 

You whine in protest, watching her in curious alarm. You need this, she knows you do. 

Tashi’s hands find your hips, and she watches you closely. A sadistic sort of smile pulls at her lips, one that has you squirming, reaching for her again. Your attempts are futile, your yearning feeds her desire to starve you, push you to your limits. “You have to be patient,” she says. 

And you will be, though everything in you aches for her. You will let her win, let her pick your cards and cheat the game to end in her favor. You’re content with it – a side that is not without reward to you as Tashi lowers to her knees in front of you, and when she looks up at you, she already knows she’s won. 

THIRTEEN YEARS LATER, NEW ROCHELLE.

The sun glares down at you through the windshield, but despite its best efforts, it cannot reach you. It’s cool in your car – it combats the sweltering heat of the morning in New Rochelle as you sit waiting for the final matches to start on the second day of the Challengers tournament. You don’t want to go sit down too early, there’s no point in submitting yourself to the discomfort of hot metal seats amongst the swarm of the audience until you have to. You’re content to sit here with your eyes closed for as long as you can, you finally have a moment to yourself after the chaos of traveling to New Rochelle. 

Tapping on your window makes you jump. Your eyes snap open, and when you see who waits on the other side of your car window, you wish you’d never traveled to the tournament at all. You knew he would be here, you saw him competing yesterday, but you had successfully avoided him and had left early after the first few matches.  

You roll your window down. Patrick Zweig stares at you with the most dumbass fucking smile you’ve witnessed in years. 

“Well, look who it is!” He exclaims. He leans an arm against the top of your car, but you shove him off of it through the window. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” you snap. He frowns, and you sigh. It’s been nine years since you’ve seen him in person – since you broke up with Tashi – and not a day has passed in which you can decisively say you have missed him. 

“I’m competing,” he says. 

You furrow your eyebrows. “I know that. Why are you here, talking to me?” 

Patrick shrugs. “Can’t I take a second to reconnect with an old friend?” 

“An old friend?” you ask. “I don’t think we were ever friends.” 

“Maybe not, but I know you’ll be hoping I win instead of Art this afternoon.” 

You pause. “Art Donaldson? He’s here, competing?” 

“Yeah. You know, I was told you invited him and Tashi. It’s everywhere online. That’s why I came over here, to say thank you for setting up the match. Art and I are the only ones left in the division. I wanted to wish you luck, too, with whatever it is you plan to get out of having us all here.” 

You don’t respond for a moment. Vaguely you recall inviting Tashi to the Challengers tournament a few weeks ago after Art’s loss – Maybe there’s someone there your husband could beat for a change – but you had disregarded it. You had meant the entire thing as a joke, a jab at Art’s poor tennis performance. Never would you have expected the Donaldsons to remotely consider participating in a Challengers tournament. You regret leaving early yesterday, missing their arrival at a tournament so far beneath them. You would have enjoyed witnessing their shame. 

“I didn’t set anything up,” you tell Patrick, yet you doubt the validity of your own statement. “And I’m not planning on getting anything out of it.” 

“Whatever you say. I just know Tashi wouldn’t bother with something like this for the hell of it. Either Art’s tennis has gotten really fucking bad for them to stoop to a tournament this low, or she’s using him to be here with you. Or, of course, both can be true. I’m going with both.” 

You shake your head. “Tashi has no interest in me.” 

“It’s been nine years since she left you, and she still hates you. She would probably fucking stab you if given the chance. That’s not something to take lightly with her, it takes more than resentment to hold onto something that long. Even I’m not as lucky.” 

“I’m not interested in making amends with Tashi Donaldson.” 

Patrick shrugs. He gives you a look, I don’t believe you, that you want to punch him for. You have nothing to say to Tashi, no reason to wish to see her. You went up to talk to her those weeks ago at Art’s game because you wanted to taunt her with your presence. You wanted her to see that you were successful without her, you don’t need her. 

You wanted her to see you – you realize how it sounds, and that there’s no way you would win a dispute with Patrick if your only explanation for reconnecting with Tashi is I wanted her to see that I’m better than her husband. You look back to him with a facade of nonchalance. 

You don’t know what to say, so you shift the focus back to him. “You’re going to get killed in a match against Art.” 

“How would you know? You haven’t seen me play in years.”

“I don’t need to.” 

“Wow, thanks for having so much faith in me.” 

You roll your eyes. 

Patrick’s gaze shifts to something beyond your car, something his eyes trail for a few seconds before he turns back to you. “I need to go warm up,” he announces, and backs away from your car. “Write something heroic about me to publish when I win, will you?” 

You roll up your window. You watch him disappear from the parking lot. Peace still evades you once he’s gone – that Tashi would be coming to the tournament is enough to have you nearly in hysterics. The promise of her soon arrival has adrenaline coursing through you, though the emotion accompanying it is indecipherable. 

You loathe Tashi Donaldson. You hate her husband even more. But there’s something so addictive about being around her to prove it. To prove that it was a mistake to end things with you and pursue Art shortly after, that he could never live up to you. Your fame came from success in writing and journalism, Art’s fame came from Tashi and viral videos of Art flinging tennis rackets after his losses. It felt good for you to prove your worth in contrast to his. You finally have power over them, and you have every intention of using it. 

For better or worse, you still care about Tashi’s opinion of you. For better or worse, you still care for Tashi Duncan. 

A car pulls into the empty spot next to you. The glare of the sun against it burns your eyes, leaves you with the start of a headache. 

You turn to look at the owners of the vehicle. Immediately you understand what Patrick had been spying beyond your car, and why he had been so quick to flee. 

You missed them yesterday, but you wouldn’t miss them today. You turn your car off and get out. 

“Need help carrying that?” You ask Art as he picks up his gym bag out of the trunk of the car beside yours. “I don’t want you to break any rackets.” 

“That would look good for you,” he says dryly. He shuts the trunk. “To make it seem like you’re making amends.” 

“I have nothing to make amends for.” 

He’s silent. You have two thousand words to make amends for, actually, but you’ll never be caught apologizing. You wrote an article about Art’s tennis years ago that gave you much of your fame – an article that had suggested Art was one of the worst tennis players to come out of Stanford, and that it was a shame he was using Tashi’s injury to his advantage by convincing her to coach his mediocre games. You implied that he was using her, that he was a cheater in the very least as far as tennis was concerned. 

It was never your finest moment, but you would never regret it. He deserved it, and so did Tashi for the way the two of you left your relationship. 

A car door slams. You’re joined by Tashi. In a light blue dress she’s stunning, radiant beyond comparison with the man she comes to stand by. A man she knows she cannot defend, a man beneath her. 

She gives Art a tyrannical look. He’s going to go find the locker room, he says, as if he hadn’t played here yesterday, and with a final look between you and Tashi he takes his bag and begins his way across the parking lot. 

You’re left alone with Tashi. The two of you are silent – she’s waiting for you to say something, and you’re waiting to come up with something that sounds right. 

“I saw you talking to Patrick,” Tashi says at last. You nod. “Did he tell you he asked me to coach him?” 

A smile pulls at your lips. “No, he didn’t.” 

“Good. Now you have something to write about,” she says, taking a step towards you, “when he loses. You can write about how he tried so desperately to come out on top, and you can write about who he lost to.” 

It’s not about Art anymore. It’s not about Patrick, it’s not about this tournament. It’s about you. Tashi’s reversal, her revenge. She won when she left you ten years ago, you won with your article, and Tashi Donaldson has never been one to keep a tie. She’s been keeping score for nine years in preparation for an opportunity such as this, one to set the record in her favor. 

“I’m not interested in placing bets on failed prodigies.” 

“You’re not too good for it, though.” 

“You are. At least you should have been.” 

Tashi shakes her head. “What the fuck does that mean?” 

“You know what it means,” you say, and step closer. “It should be you on that court, not them. I should be writing about you.” 

You know you’ve struck a nerve. Tashi stills. Her expression was once unreadable, but now it reveals her resentment. At you maybe, but also at fate itself, because you’re right: it should be her competing. Winning for herself and not through others. She still bears the weight of power, but it’s no longer hers to use. 

“Your husband is going to lose,” you say, and you both know it’s a lie. But you will be there when Art wins, you will be there waiting for her to prove you wrong like she’s always craved. If it is winning that will let her make amends with herself, you will be the harbinger. You will let her cheat the game just so she can win. Maybe it’s all you’ve wanted this whole time, inviting her to the Challengers tournament. 

Maybe it’s your way of making amends. 

“Any final words before the game?” You ask, in the way you always used to ask her before her matches. Any final words. You used to laugh together about how apocalyptic it sounded, and Tashi used to watch you write about her after and use her quotes for assignments for your university classes. 

Tashi remembers the phrase, you see recognition sweep over her. She watches you closely, and behind her facade you see something too reminiscent to be hatred. “Fuck you,” she says, though her voice lacks animosity. 

“Is that on the record?” 

“Yes.” 

An uncanny way of making amends, but one you would welcome all the same. 

-

Her gaze sears into you as you sit in the stands watching the match. Tashi sits on the opposite side of the court, yet the two of you are positioned with a clear view of one another throughout the game. 

The score has fluctuated throughout the match. Patrick and Art have stayed consistent in score and loss – it’s closer than you thought it would be, enough that you see Tashi’s concern growing over the end result. Art is wearing, he’s becoming tired, and you know if he quits in his exhaustion he’ll leave with another loss. The Donaldsons will lose credibility, Tashi will disappear in the eyes of the media. 

You find yourself conflicted in all ways related to the match continuing before you. You want Art to lose every match he signs for – yet the thought of Tashi going down with him haunts you. Even after all she has done to you, all you have done to her, she deserves better than any path offered.  

You pause – the match has ended, the audience stands in applause. You stand to view the court, peering over shoulders, pushing your way out of the audience. 

Art Donaldson, standing in the middle of the court. He basks in the glory given by his victory, one long suspended in anticipation for you to be witness. He looks up to find Tashi in the stands, and you watch as something unsaid passes between them. An I told you so on Art’s end, and something unsatisfied from Tashi’s. 

You don’t need to watch the rest of it. You don’t need to see Art’s self-ordered victory lap, and you don’t need to hear the speech he’ll give the reporters waiting to flock to him. You don’t need to see Tashi by his side, so you leave the court. 

You make your way through the tennis complex. Fluorescent lights stare you down, their judgment shines brighter for you. You don’t give them anything to taunt you with, keeping your expression flat. It was obvious Art would win, and in his victory Tashi has been fulfilled. 

The click of heels trails you. You spare a glance over your shoulder as you walk, and you pause. Her eyes are on you alone in the empty hall. 

“Congratulations,” you say, dull. “Do you feel better now? I see Art does.” 

“Fuck Art,” she snaps. Tashi is empowered in her pride, which has not been placed in her husband, but in herself. This is not his victory, it belongs to her. She closes the distance between you, and if you moved back any further you’d be leaning against the wall. The door to the locker room is across the hall – your memories hardly feel like your own, hardly feel like they belong just the same to the woman in front of you, but they crash through you anyway. 

“This feels familiar,” you murmur, looking up at her. You look to see if the halls are empty, but Tashi wastes no such time �� she pulls you against her, her lips on yours, hunger in her touch as the two of you realize how much time you have to make up for and so little opportunity for it. Her nails dig into the back of your neck until her hand weaves into your hair, and like you always have you melt into her every desire. 

“I win,” Tashi says once she pulls away. Her eyes bear into yours, dark and unforgiving, dominating. “I fucking win.” 

There’s nothing that could prove her wrong. Power cures, if you know how to use it. 

—

—

—

i wrote this fic so many different times honestly and i kept a few of the scenes I deleted from it bc it was getting too long so if anyone wants a part 2 lmk andddd i can put something together 😔

[treeckos-for-arson]

my hot take of the day is that paul doesn’t not like musicals. i don’t know how it’s taken me 5+ years to come to this conclusion, but hear me out. i rewatched tgwdlm twice this weekend and my brain is vibrating on paul matthews frequency. my soul is one with his. my hypothesis wraps up everything that’s bothered me about paul’s character in a neat little bow: paul likes musicals, even if he doesn’t think he does.

the jokes have been circulating from the start, how paul knows the words to moana better than anyone else, how he has seen every musical mentioned in the show (he didn’t directly say he’s seen hamilton and mamma mia, but he at the very least knows the difference in the pop cultural relevance of the two). paul claims that he was forced to see godspell and brigadoon, but that doesn’t account for the other shows he’s seen, one of which he’s canonically watched enough times to know the words better than his coworkers/the average musical-hating ccrp employee.

i’ve heard speculation that paul goes to see every musical just to criticize it. but i don’t think that’s the case. i think paul has repressed his love of musicals. maybe he thinks he hates them, and thinks he watches them to critique them, but deep down he’s lying to himself and he knows it.

this is evidenced by “let it out,” specifically the lines: “i’ve become what i hated / or maybe i never did.” unlike the first verse, where there’s a clear distinction between the lines sung by paul vs pokey, i find it much more difficult to tell who’s singing in the second verse. i imagine this was an intentional acting choice on jon’s part, symbolizing that as pokey gets a firmer grip on paul he has access to more of his repressed memories, feelings, and desires. his words become more seamlessly infused with paul’s real thoughts. he identifies that paul has never hated musicals and makes him acknowledge it to himself and the audience.

so what caused paul to repress his love of musicals? he tells us directly—the moment that made him hate musicals was when he was bussed over to hatchetfield high to watch their production of brigadoon, because sycamore didn’t have a theater program. look, there is No Way that the entire student body of sycamore high was bussed over to see brigadoon: first, it would have been after school hours, and impossible (or at least a very strange thing) to make mandatory; second, the average high school production is, what, 2-4 nights? no way there would have been enough seats for all of sycamore; third, arranging the bus situation would have been far too inconvenient and expensive. i could go on, but my point is, going to see brigadoon was a voluntary action on high schooler!paul’s part. my guess is that it was only the students who actively wanted to be in a theater program who were taken to see brigadoon. that leads me to the conclusion: paul was an aspiring theater kid in high school, and you can’t tell me otherwise.

it was the experience of watching emma and the hatchetfield high kids perform brigadoon, longing to be onstage with them in the spotlight, and knowing he wasn’t going to get that opportunity in high school that made him start repressing his love of musicals. but (and i don’t have evidence for this, it’s just speculation) it’s post-high school, when he realized he was never going to get to be in a musical, that sealed that commitment to repression. whether he went to college and auditioned and didn’t get any roles for lack of practice, or joined the workforce and got his dream crushed out of him by the monotony of ccrp, paul distanced himself from the object of his desire by pretending that, actually, he never really wanted it. he pretended so hard he started to believe it. he began watching musicals “ironically.” he listened to the moana soundtrack because he “liked making fun of it.” he’d “rather do anything” than go watch mamma mia. he was “forced” to see godspell, and he “hated it.” godspell, more like god-awful, amirite?

(and don’t get me started on the little we see of him in black friday—what do you mean you don’t like those “musical commercials,” paul?? are you trying to say the kars 4 kids jingle is comparable to a full-length musical?? do you not listen to music at all, paul??? or are you overgeneralizing your hatred of musicals to cover your ass?? yet you can sing when you realize it’s possibly the final minutes of your life and there’s no hope to be found but in song? answer me paul. ANSWER ME.)

i’ve seen it hypothesized that pokey gives each character what they want before he kills them. paul is no exception. paul finally gets what he wants: to be in a musical. not just to be in a musical, but to play the leading role. to sing before an audience. to be the hero, sacrificing himself to save the day. i think it’s possible that, if ever paul genuinely stops liking musicals, it’s after pokey’s invasion begins. i mean, i certainly would stick to silent films for the rest of my life after getting caught up in that, so i don’t blame him. paul’s panic is visceral in every song sequence—but it’s not because he doesn’t like musicals, it’s for the obvious reason that Holy Fuck Something Is Wrong With These People Think About The Implications.

this has turned into an absolute essay, so tl;dr: paul likes musicals. if anything, paul loves musicals. paul was so broken by his inability to be in musicals as a kid that he made himself believe he hated them so all the missed opportunities would hurt less. all of the overexaggerated musical hating that we see on screen is overcompensation. he can fool the audience. he can fool himself. he can even fool me for 5+ years. but he can’t fool pokey.

[bogkeep]

some time ago i watched This Video about ergodic literature and got inspired to get the book S. by jj abrams & doug dorst. i've finally started reading it and i have Thoughts

the video i linked shows and explains the premise of the book, but here's the tl;dr - two students(ish) are writing annotations in the margins of a novel called 'ship of theseus' by mysterious author V M Straka while passing it back and forth. they are getting to know each other as well as trying to solve the mystery of Straka. it's a non-linear epistolary story told through a footnotes, scribbled comments, and inserts such as postcards et cetera.

there's a couple reason this book caught my eye in particular:

- i love "two people getting to know each other through letters/accidental text messages/notes" trope. it may just be the internet denizen in me but i'm a sucker for characters who get to know each other through text.

- immediately intruiged by the mystery author's name, Straka - it means magpie in czech, so i feel like i'm getting a head start on the mystery because i'm the specialest little boy in the world!!!!

- it looks cool as hell

(i purchased a used copy that was apparently a library copy so it feels extra Authentic hehe)

ANYWAY i'm still very early in, but i have many impressions to chew on already. first off, i really love the whole premise/medium, and it looks Really Good. there's a lot of really cool details that make it look authentic (if we ignore the COMICALLY LARGE MARGINS) - the book absolutely looks like something i could find in my grandparents' bookshelf. the comments being written in different colours of pen to signal when in the chronology they were written is very good. everything is pointing to a Very Fun and Immersive reading experience.

howeverrrrrrrrrr

while i Am having fun so far, there's also a lot of details that keep shaking my suspension of disbelief. like i am trying my best to hold on to it - im accepting the Comically Large Margins and the silly premise that these two people absolutely had to pass the book back and forth to communicate. like i am fully on board with that. it's just... i feel like this book is trying to Appear more clever than it actually is?

i think maybe the main problem for Me Specifically is that it's pretending to be a book written by a Probably European author and translated to english, but S. was so obviously written/created by americans and not intended to be read by someone who knows any of the languages they're dragging into this.

i was correct in assuming Straka is meant to be czech, as ship of theseus was originally written in czech - but it's weird to me that the narrative is completely uninterested in like... the original? there is a foreword by the translator, who goes on and on about the mysterious circumstances under which v m straka died, but the fact that the original language is czech is mentioned in a *footnote*. i would think a foreword by a translator would, realistically, say more about their credentials or their actual process of translating. or is that weird??? i took a class in classical literature in uni where that's kind of a big deal so maybe i'm biased???

BUT ALSO the fact that straka's identity is So very mysterious and very possibly a pseudonym... if you're like, genuinely trying to untangle this mystery, wouldn't you make a note about the meaning of the name??? like wouldn't you put a picture of a magpie on your conspiracy board about it?? Straka is absolutely a valid czech surname because most czech surnames are seemingly random nouns or adjectives, but if you think it's a pseudonym then someone made a very deliberate choice!!!! HELLO!!!!!!

then they listed the names of people who are thought to possibly be v m straka (of varying nationalities), and like okay maybe i'm nitpicking but i has to take a pen and fix some of them. they used SOME special letters for some of the names but very sporadically - they wrote vaclav instead of václav, and ekstrom instead of ekström... like at least be consistent if you're going to ignore special letters!

the worst language offender by far is this:

if you want "the monkey dances" it's "opice tancuje". you could also do "opičí tanec" for "the monkey's dance". this particular abomination is causing me physical pain.

one of the first inserts i ran into was a letter written in swedish + a direct translation:

GUESS WHAT I CAN READ SWEDISH TOO... i can't tell if the "original" letter is supposed to be the swedish or the english one - while the swedish seems to be grammatically correct (I THINK), it extremely reads as Something Written In English And Getting As Directly Translated To Swedish As Possible. it reads very stilted and oddly phrased. i get the impression i'm not actually supposed to be able to understand it, it's just here for Flavour, and that's fine! this one i can easily justify as the swedish being the in universe translation.

here's another very small thing that made me sigh very deeply

"at what point does this book stop being straka's alone & become *theirs*?" THE BOOK IS CALLED SHIP OF THESEUS. AREN'T YOU GUYS DOING LITERARY ANALYSIS OVER HERE??? IT'S THE FIRST CHAPTER AND YOU'RE JUST SPELLING OUT THE PREMISE TO ME TO THE POINT OF CONDESCENSION.

like. okay. maybe not everyone knows what the ship of theseus refers to (also i want to point out it feels like a very english language phrase to me. it Does exist in czech but it doesn't sound like a good or catchy title i think) - but i really do feel like two university students doing a deep dive into this book + author would 100% analyse the meaning of the title, that's like 101 level stuff!! this comment would be so easy to save - just have Mr Black Pen add a quippy comment about this being a bit on the nose, or pointing out the aptness or irony of the title, Anything. it would add so much to the believability for me.

like i didn't study literature at a higher education level so maybe i'm completely off base, but i DID study art history, and it seems almost absurd to me that these characters are doing so much digging and mystery solving about the author's mysterious past and rereading all of his books to find out more... and not engage with the basicest basics such as, the original text(s) pre-translation, possible cultural contexts, tHE TITLE... why are they drawing connections from choices made BY THE TRANSLATOR that absolutely would not be there in the original czech!! !!???!!!????!!

anyway my biggest actual problem so far is that i'm really struggling to read the actual ship of theseus. i have fun reading the annotations, but the actual book... i am Struggling. i've never been any good at reading ~*The Classics*~ so it might just not be my vibe, but i'm not sure if TOS is even a Good Book? like in this universe it's Allegedly a classic and very iconic or whatever. and obviously it's a challenge to write A Classic that makes its mark on history. and gods know there's discourse about whether or not The Classics are actually good books and that's way above my paygrade. but idk i couldn't get through chapter 1 without skimming through it because it kept boring me so bad.

i suspect i might just, keep reading the annotations storyline and not bother too much with the 'book' part of the book. i genuinely wanna see where the story goes!! despite my complaints i Am sold on the emotional core of it.

i think the premise rules so hard but i really feel like the authors are too monolingual and american and maybe haven't read that many books????? i can't speak on the latter but the former.............. maybe im the one who's too european

[2aceofspades]

Me to Two:

Gaw hopefully they make up, yeah...

Fingers crossed 🤞🤞

Perfect opportunity for a lil Acey ramble sesh tho~

Spoilers for anyone who hasn't read EMD! Also this is gonna be long cuz I like to ramble sometimes. All of this is just me rambling my own thoughts and perspectives (:

_______________________________________________

In all honesty, I know I'm personally expecting there to be a lot of unresolved tension between the both of them if they get an opportunity to talk. I mean, I doubt their childhood was filled with apologies and making up and such. Their childhood must have been filled with them being pitted against one another in some ways. Their strengths have been both used and somewhat strained by Draxum to benefit the mission he placed on them. This has probably negatively affected their egos quite a bit, thus exacerbating that brutal sibling rivalry.

From the start, One hasn't been all too kind or honest with Two either. Although, it could be argued that Two's betrayal just stings more because One had spent every little mission making sure Two stayed safe, one way or another. That much is seen through One's internal monologue throughout the story. Two's betrayal also definitely hits more to One's autonomy, which is its own can of worms, of course.

But One also spent his time jeopardizing Draxum's orders for One's own personal goal of taking out Raph and Mikey...thus jeopardizing his and Two's success with their given mission. This must have been a pretty heavy blow to Two, who chose to do and not to do things for One because Two was under the impression that their mission was their sole focus. Thus, their perspectives play a big role in both sides of this broken trust and strain in their relationship as experimental child soldiers and brothers (in arms).

So, maybe Two had a similar perspective and goal. And I think this has been discussed that, on the surface, Two did what he did for the sake of the mission. In his eyes, his betrayal was justified and almost necessary for success. One was threatening their sole mission because of One's personal fears. So, in Two's eyes, shutting down One would thus secure their success. Right? Cuz, at the end of the day, isn't that what they're both going after? Success? It looks different for the two of them, but Two is following orders and One is taking out the experiments that he perceives as threats in order to secure his and Two's ranks in Draxum's command. They're both trying to succeed, both in the things they choose to do and not to do.

Additionally, maybe Two didn't expect One to take it so personally. Both of them were hurt by one another, betrayed by each other. I don't think it was ever one-sided. Cuz how could it be? One was trying to protect Two, but I think the same can be said for Two. He isn't the total bad guy. Their perceptions of each other and of themselves are skewed, off...and it makes sense. That's a major reason why I love this story so much. At least, for me, it's relatable in that way. Because when someone who raises you and is supposedly trying to protect you does things out of fear instead of love, your perception is off. Maybe it looks like love, but it doesn't feel like it.

For both One and Two, they do things out of fear. They were raised to be useful tools; that's how they're perceived by Draxum. Their strengths are useful, even their fear is useful at times. The things they can do are useful and they can be replaced if they are not 'good' tools. So, when something or someone threatens that perception, they do things out of fear of being useless, unsuccessful. It's difficult to not see yourself or others in that same way. That has been very relatable for me, in all honesty. And it's a repeating theme for both One and Two AND Draxum in the story, which makes sense.

Does all of this make what Two did okay? No. It just puts a possible explanation to why he did what he did.

Small circle back, One and Two would both need to take responsibility for the things they did and failed to do and rebuild their trust. Will that happen? I don't know, but I hope so :)

I love thinking up the possible timeline between them though. Both of them have certainly said and done some rather hurtful things to each other. Is that going to be acknowledged by either one or both of them? Mm...I dunno. I hope so, but they'd only really have that modeled from Raph and Mikey. It would be AMAZING if they have that finally modeled by Draxum though. I think that would open a door for all three of them that could introduce some real, nice healing. Will that happen? Again, I don't know, but damn do I hope so.

All in all, I am hopeful for both One and Two. They deserve to just be themselves, not just used as helpful tools, ya know? That's my two cents tho (:

[aidenlydia]

I have seen that you are very open about supporting trans people and that your pronouns are they/them. How were you able to understand that you were trans? (If you are.) I've honestly felt so confused lately and don't have anyone I can ask about this. I love your ftm ghost art. I think it is amazing. I just don't know what to do or how I'll ever be able to figure out myself. Totally not your job but was curious if you had advice.

Not sure how helpful this will be, because my trans experience is deeply interlinked with my Dissociative Identity Disorder and Autism, so I'm sorry if this is a bit confusing.

What is Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder - Terms and Definitions

Autism and Gender

The reason why I go by they/them is because we're literally multiple people. Our two Hosts Aiden and Lydia (aka the alters interacting most with the world outside of our own head) are a man and a woman. We spend all our time together, sharing a body and the control over it.

We used to go by he/she, but people would only view us as a girl because of our body, so we switched to they/them. It makes more sense and feels better to be acknowledged together instead of Aiden being left out all the damn time.

Now bear with me here.

Though Lydia is a cis women, she grew up never belonging anywhere because we're autistic, so she feels like an imposter and a fraud when trying to connect to her feminity. Most days we barely feel human at all because we've been othered all our life. But she still views herself as a woman - motherhood in particular is a big important part of her.

Aiden is a trans man, but he doesn't mind our feminine body and doesn't plan on getting surgery ever. Testosterone maybe, but even that isn't super important to him at the moment. To him knowing he's a man is enough, passing isn't a priority at all. And because all of our Littles are girls he's rather protective of their body - any kind of medical procedure would cause a lot of fear in them.

He realized he's trans because he preferred a male name for himself, short hair and male clothing. It happened very quickly because exploring gender has never been an issue for us, it's fun and simply felt comfortable.

We do have two Agender Alters, but they don't come out in our regular daily life. They don't feel like anything really, they're deeply connected to nature and just want to exist as genderless beings, so they prefer not taking control of our body. It feels peaceful not being put into a box or defined by gender expectations and whatever other bullshit the world comes up with.

In the past we used to have another trans male Host, but he was suffering deeply from gender dysphoria. He couldn't stand the sight of our body or existing in it and became very self destructive about it. Until one day he just stopped coming out and hasn't been back since.

Before I even realized I had DID, gender wasn't really a concept to me. Same with names, it just didn't make sense to me why someone couldn't just change their name if they didn't like the one their parents gave them for whatever reason. I think of people as people, not boys and girls. Sure there are physical differences, but the meanings/genderroles we attributed to them are completely made up.

Folks love nagging me about how I draw my Ghost, but the truth is he can walk around looking like a cis girl and still be a man, I truly dgaf. So what if he's smaller and more delicate looking next to that big bear of a captain, that doesn't make him any less of a man.

The best advice I can give is you don't need to label yourself if you don't want to. You can experiment and just see what feels good. Maybe you'll find a label or make a plan along the way, but don't feel pressured to.

Common things people do is try out a different name, change their pronouns, create and play as video game characters of the opposite gender/sex (or gender non-conforming in general), listen to trans playlists/musicians, shop clothes/stuff in the other section (including underwear or things like jewelry ect), read books or watch movies about different kinds of trans characters, watch video essays about trans topics, create OCs or sonas, look at trans art and watch/read about other people's trans journeys.

Of course there are "what's my gender identity" tests you can take too, idk how helpful those are but I guess they can give you a bit more insight and maybe make you ask questions that you haven't asked yourself before.

Lastly here's a list of gender identities and definitions that might be beneficial to have a look at, as well as my trans resource list I put together last month about what can be done to change your gender in various ways

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

On Yuuri's "top-secret" love life

I took the time to look deeper into the information YOI gives us about Yuuri's history with love and what it means for the story of YOI.

Let's start from the scene in which Viktor introduces the two Yuris to their new short programmes:

It struck me as curious that a 23-year-old has never thought about love. The average person has their first crushes in puberty, enforcing a first examination of the subject of love to some extent.

YOI portrays Yuuri as being evasive when feeling pushed or embarrassed, but when Viktor asks him whether he ever thought about love, all we get from him is this utterly clueless expression. In this context, his interpretation of Agape is very interesting:

Yuuri is projecting his own experiences with love into his interpretation of On Love: Agape and Eros. This becomes even clearer when he comments Eros with nothing but "It's a totally different song". I've discussed this in more detail here, for this discussion let it be suffice it to say that his answers reflect where he is currently at in his journey of exploring love.

Japanese language uses different words for different kinds of love. The general all-encompassing concept of love is 愛 ("ai"), the romantic/passionate love is 恋 ("koi"). These terms very roughly approximate the Greek concepts of agape and eros as they are utilised in YOI. However, YOI doesn't draw the distinction between 愛 and 恋 , but discusses love as 愛 ("ai") that entails other forms of love, including even eros せいてきな愛 ("sexual love").

Until the moment Viktor introduces both Yuris to their new short programmes, Yuuri has never wasted a thought on love. Which means:

Until the end of episode 2, Yuuri has never had romantic feelings for another person.

Why can we be so sure of that?

Even a first crush enforces an examination of love; the result of that is often very naive and immature but becomes more complex and nuanced with experience. The romantic feelings that come with a romantic crush are impossible to miss since they take over one's heart and soul like wildfire. Even if one's feelings aren't reciprocated or one decides to not act upon them, an examination of the subject "love" inevitably happens driven by heartbreak or the sentiment that it's better not to pursue this person and wanting them to be happy.

Therefore, if Yuuri had experienced such feelings before episode 2/3, he would know. And we would know, too, because it would impact his views on love, how he tackles his season's theme, and how he goes about his relationship with Viktor. Since love is a central theme in YOI, a past love, whether it had been happy, tragic, or unreciprocated, must be addressed in a way that does it justice because it would affect the entire course of Yuuri's character journey. It would require an exploration of past Yuuri either being happy with a past lover, or heartbroken because the relationship ended or because the feelings were one-sided. And this would alter his approach to his season's theme and help him figure out his feelings for Viktor because he would already be familiar with it. However, YOI does nothing like that. Instead, it introduces us to the extent of Yuuri's obsession with Viktor in a lengthy flashback, which is the start of a long-term parasocial relationship that is very gay-coded but too abstract to qualify as a romantic crush (see also here). The only flashback into one's love life in the entire anime is, of all things, about Georgi as a contrasting juxtaposition to viktuuri.

For the story of YOI to work in the way it does, Yuuri never having had romantic feelings is crucial.

Yuuri shows all the sings of a monotropic mind. Since he discovered Viktor at the onset of puberty, his entire existence revolved around Viktor as the anime shows us in abundance. For his endeavour to meet Viktor as an equal on the ice with the GPF being the disastrous culmination of his efforts, he even went to a training facility abroad. Such a strong focus doesn't particularlry motivate people to forming deeper connections and let's not forget that Yuuri is an introvert. He is more interested in skating (to pursue Viktor) than spending time with his friends, not that he's great at forming relationships in the first place because Yuuri is also super awkward.

Sometimes, friendship, admiration and aesthetic attraction (aka finding someone pretty, cute etc.) are being misconstrued as romantic feelings due to allonormative/amatonormative paradigms. While it's true that starting from a young age, Yuuri idolises people who inspire him (憧れの人 = "someone to look up to/admire", in the subs translated as "idol"), Yuuri's in both cases very gay-coded admiration holds no romantic or sexual connotation, except for the parasocial romanticism in his lifelong quest to emulate Viktor and become his equal (not that the parasocial is the aspect here).

The press conference at the end of episode 5 comprises Yuuri's journey of exploring love and provides a deeper insight in his views on love.

Since the subs are low-key confusing, I'm not quoting them, but you can check this translation done by a Japanese fan that explains all the nuances the official translation misses. The part I want to point out in particular is this one:

My love. It’s not [general] love or romantic love that is easy to understand, but my bond with Victor, and the lukewarm way I feel about my family and my local community.

Note that this is the only time the anime uses 恋 ("koi"), probably because he's speaking to a Japanese audience.

This is the part where his friends feel offended. It showcases how Yuuri feels about the other people in his life, confirming what we could already guess: that none of these people ever reached a level at which he would develop intimate feelings for them and let them into his heart in one or the other way. All the people who supported him, first in Hasetsu and later in Detroit. Let that sink in. That's why before Vikor became he coach, he always felt that he was always fighting alone. (I don't blame Yuuri for his poor wording because it would only downplay his mental struggles and their ramifications.)

Yuuri talks about the concept of love as a whole, showcasing that he has come a long way from episode 2 and now has reached a stage where he has a mature and nuanced idea of it. He reveals that he grasps romantic love (恋) and general love (愛) easily, which is another huge progress compared to his absolute cluelessness in episode 2 and another hint that he hasn't yet experienced a situation that prompted an examination of the subject prior to it.

At the same time, Yuuri draws a clear distinction between his feelings for his family and friends and his feelings for Viktor, which aren't lukewarm at all.

A more accurate translation of this line is: "The first person I want to tie myself to and never let go is Viktor". Here, the fan translation explicitly points out that the phrasing is a reference to the scene in episode 2 when Viktor learns from the Nishigoris about Yuuri's struggles to form friendships and to be more interested in skating than in spending time with his friends. (Having written all this, I wonder how much he considered his friends as friends in the first place because philia is also a form of love that is implicitly included in "ai".)

After months of getting to know Viktor intimately, Yuuri has fallen in love with Viktor at last. This feeling is bigger than any emotion he has experienced before because it's greater than 恋 and 愛 and because of that:

This feeling doesn't have a name, but I decided to dare to call it "love".

Although Yuuri is awkward and anxious, there is one quality that stands out above all: his ambition to pursue a goal he is committed to. For half his life this has been Viktor, first as an abstract concept and as an ideal to strive for, later as a romantic interest. If he wants something, he makes sure to get it and he's unstoppable in his pursuit even when he hits rock bottom his desire to skate on the same ice as Viktor again right before Viktor showed up proves. If Yuuri had had romantic feelings for someone else, he would have pursued this person or ruled out the idea because Viktor was more important, which would have impacted his views on love either way.

Or in other words:

Viktor is Yuuri's first love.

Yuuri's love life is not as secret as YOI claims it is. His refusal to discuss it when Viktor pried for information, suggests embarrassment about the fact that at the age of 23, he is totally inexperienced in this regard while other people already have children or had a couple of partners. He's definitely not embarrassed to show the world how much he loves Viktor.

I will discuss the gay-coding of how Yuuri idolises people that inspire him in another post because it seems to me as if this is one of the lesser known facts.

Of course you are free to headcanon Yuuri as having had crushes before Viktor, but keep in mind that this would alter the plot of YOI to some extent.

[sysig]

So much experimenting to be done, where to even start (Patreon)