#This is also my own fault because I couldn't sleep last night and stayed up until the middle of the night.

[iero]

To go along with that last post, I really think that the sun setting sooner is really fucking up my mental state and my capability to, like, do anything. Like, the sun sets at, like, 5 PM now and my mind automatically is like, “Well, day is over. Time to go to bed.” because it’s dark out and if I didn’t do anything before that time, I mentally beat myself up over being ‘unproductive’ and ‘lazy.’ I hate it. 

[famousstatesmanbearroad]

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY PART 2 (CODY RHODES WWE)

• Summary: You made many enemies throughout your career in World Wrestling Entertainment. Some of which you despise so much it makes you sick to your stomach. But the more you two hate each other, the more the sexual tension becomes too intense to ignore.

• Parings: Cody Rhodes X Fem Reader

Warning- Language, 18+ only (minors DNI), Dirty Talk, Smut, Fingering, (READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

After a week since your last interaction with Cody, you stood before Damian as he looked at you with nothing but anger.

These last couple of weeks, you've been avoiding Cody. And you made it evident to him and yourself that you were avoiding him. It was awkward talking about that night, especially the fact you two couldn't resist for another round.

But you were also avoiding Damian. Only because every time you two were supposed to talk about what Cody said the night the two got into an argument, something came up, and he noticed that every time there was something, he would get frustrated every single time. But he dragged you into the Judgement Day's locker room, kicking everyone out as it was just you two.

"Are you going to keep ignoring me?" Damian spoke as he crossed his arms and looked at you. You rolled your eyes as he said this. "I'm not ignoring you, Damian." You said. "But believe me, the fact that you and I are even having this conversation and that you are mad honestly makes me laugh." You said.

"Laugh, really?" Damian said. "To find out from someone I despise that he slept with someone that I really like honestly makes me sick!"

"Sick!?" you spoke. "Okay, you know he lied to you, right? He did it to get into your head and mind. You're not the only one who hates him."

Damian stayed quiet as he heard what you said. Apart from him, I knew you were right about Cody getting into his head. That's what Cody does, especially to you.

And he has been doing it lately, and you two haven't had a single conversation, or in other words, you two insulting each other, since that night with Damian. It's different.

Cody is one of the best wrestlers in WWE at the moment, whether people like to admit it or not. And as Mr. Money in the Bank, or what people like to call it, Senor. Money in the Bank, Damian saw Cody as a threat, and Cody saw Damian as someone in his way from finishing his story, or whatever this whole thing Cody got going on.

What Cody was good at was weakness. He knew how much Damian liked you, which is one of the reasons why he said what he said to him. You think, however, just by how he spoke to you that night, it was something more that.

Damian crossed his arms, hesitant, but asked you anyway. "So you and Cody didn't sleep with each other?" He asked. You look at him, quiet for a second, before responding with a lie.

"No,"

"I don't believe you," He spoke as he uncrossed his arms and walked over to you. You looked up at him and noticed the way he looked at you. Damian was a handsome guy, which is why you gave in the first place and gave him a chance after trying for the longest even to get your attention. That and you never really had a guy try this hard to even talk to you. I know how much high standards you have for men.

But you shrugged your shoulders, not trying to defend yourself. "Okay."

Damian sighed, placing his hand on his cheek. "I don't want to know if it is true. I like a lot Y/N," He said. "And I'm not going to let anyone, let alone Cody, get in my way of making you mine."

You didn't react to his words. How could you when Cody's words replayed inside your head right after he said that?

"Damian is too soft, too much of a good guy even though he plays this bad guy on camera."

Damian was too soft. If you were in Damian's shoes, you would end this, although not waste your time on someone who made you look like an idiot in front of everyone.

But after that conversation, you knew the two wouldn't work out. And as much as you hate to admit it, it was all Cody's fault.

You left Judgment Day's locker Room, heading back to the female locker room to get your bags. The show was officially over, which meant you were off for the next couple of days, and it was peace to you. You loved traveling, but you also loved to relax, which is why you were so excited to stay in at least one city for the next couple of days.

As you walked into the locker room, you noticed Becky, one of your few female friends, in the locker room. She looked up at you from zipping up her bags and smiled as you walked in. "Hey, Y/N, where have you been?" She asked as she stood up.

"Hey, Becks," You spoke as you headed towards your stuff. "I was with Damian."

Becky smiled, dropped, and rolled her eyes as you mentioned Damian.

Becky hated every single member of the Judgment Day. You and Becky's biggest problem. Rhea Ripley. Becky's problem was much bigger than yours since you were technically seeing her friend.

"I don't mean to Judge, but Damian, out of everyone. You're a gorgeous woman, Y/N; you could do better than that." She said.

You gave Becky a smirk. "Careful what you say, Becks; I may steal you from Rollins." You joked, earning a laugh from Becky.

"I'm serious, though," She said. "And I thought you two were over after what Cody told him."

"Ugh, you heard about that two!?" You sighed in disbelief.

"Oh honey," Becky said, shaking her head. "Everyone backstage knows. What I want to know is if it was true or not."

Usually, you can keep your secrets to yourself. Even your brother doesn't know the majority of your secrets. But Becky, she was like a sister to you, despite the fact her husband and your brother hated each other. She knew all your secrets, to the point where you should have killed her.

But you looked away from Beck as you zipped up your bags. "It wasn't true... at first." You said. Becky's eyes widened, not expecting that kind of answer. "Okay, once I found out what he said to Damian, I confronted him, and we ended up having sex."

However, the reaction afterward was the last thing you expected from Becky. She sighed in relief and held a smile on her face. "About fucking time!"

"What!?" You looked at her in disbelief.

"Y/N, I heard all the way from Alica Fox when she was still working here how much sexual tension you two had before he left, and when he came back, I understood why everyone was saying that," Becky said. "I'm surprised it took him one comment for you two let it out."

You shook your head, not wanting to think about what the hell Becky said. It reminded me of that night and how he spoke to you. "It doesn't matter. He and I are not happening again." You said.

Becky remained silent. But you can see the hint of an "I called Bullshit" expression lingering on her face. You rolled your eyes and ignored it as the two walked out of the locker room.

The two of you continued to chat, talking about today's show and the upcoming show, which was not till next week until going your separate ways. As you go to your rental car, opening the back trunk, your phone rings, and a random number appears on your screen.

You usually get random numbers occasionally, mainly spam callers, which you would always ignore. However, something in you knew that this phone call was different.

Hesitant momentarily, you answered the call and brought your phone to your ear. "Hello?"

You weren't sure if you were going insane, but you swore that the person on the other side of the call had smiled the minute you spoke, which immediately answered your question about who was calling you.

"Cody?"

"Brilliant of you princess, I'm impressed you knew it was me,"

You rolled your eyes, ignoring the typical pet name he always gives you. "How the hell did you get my number?" You asked with annoyance in your voice.

"I have my resources." He said. Only one person came to your mind as he said this.

Sami. And you prayed that you wouldn't run into him because you knew you were going to kill Sami when you saw him.

"Okay, well, I'm hanging up now, goodbye."

You didn't let Cody say another word as you hung up on him and began placing your bags into your car. You saw Cody calling you several times, as you chose to ignore him. He then texted you as he closed your back trunk, hopped into the driver's seat, and read his message.

"You can't avoid me forever, princess."

You did exactly what he said you couldn't do: ignore him. You toss your phone into the passenger seat as you drive straight to the hotel you are staying at.

Upon arrival, you went straight to the front desk to check in, giving the lady your name so you could get your key and enter your room.

However, the lady made a confused face, followed by a realization, leaving you confused yourself.

"Oh, your fiancé was just here not too long ago and checked you in?"

You thought you heard utterly wrong as you looked at the lady and spoke. "My what!?"

The lady was now confused, but by your reaction. "Yeah, your fiancé said you were running late and decided to check on you. I believe he said you would meet him in your room?" She said. "Should I call security? Have I made a mistake?" You Immediately shook your head.

"No, no, my apology; I forgot he told me that we are getting my key for me. I'll call him, thank you."

You didn't want any trouble happening as you walked off with your bags and called Cody's number. You can hear him laughing the minute he picks up.

"Yes Y/N?"

"Give me my damn key Cody!?" You said with irritation in your voice. You didn't have time to play this cat-and-mouse game with, but he was pushing your buttons. 

And Cody could hear it in your voice, which made him laugh even more. He doesn't do anything further as he gives you your room number.

After going up the elevator to your room, you bang loudly at your door, just like you did to Cody's the night in his room. He opened the door, and you looked at him with annoyance as he smirked and moved to the side, allowing you to walk inside.

"Can I have my key, please?" You asked, placing your bags down and phone on the nightstand next to your bed. You turned and looked at Cody as you noticed he was wearing a suit. He probably used his charm and smile to enter your room.

Cody walked up to you and handed you your keys. You try taking it away from him, but he quickly moves his hand back, looking down at you.

The two were close once again. He watches you as you look up at him after getting frustrated for not getting the key.

"You have been avoiding me, princess," Cody said.

You realize he was being serious. What kind of startles you? He was bringing that night up.

"What did you expect me to do, act like nothing happened?" You told him. "That night shouldn't have happened."

Cody just stood there, listening to what you had said before walking over to your nightstand on the opposite side and placing your key there. You still didn't understand why he was here, and some of you didn't want him here.

"I agree," Cody said. "That night shouldn't have happened." He said, then walked over to you. "But it happened."

You stepped back every time Cody stepped forward before your back hit the wall. You couldn't even look at him anymore; you were now scared of what could happen now that he's towered over you.

"And as much as you and I went too far last time, I meant everything I said that night." You tried not to react to what Cody said, but he brought his lips to your ears and spoke once again, earning a gasp from you.

"Just because I agree it shouldn't have happened doesn't mean I regret it."

You looked back at him as he moved around and looked back at you. An immediate response shocked in between your thighs at what he was saying. He barely said anything inappropriate, let alone anything, and you hate how he's making you feel.

You already were in some deep shit just from that night, and you couldn't but do what you were about to. It was all on you and can't be regretted.

Your hands up to his tie, and as you played with it a bit, Cody didn't stop you as you felt his go heavy. The two of you thought the sexual tension was forming once again, and if last time didn't change anything between you two,

It will now.

"We can't do this, Cody," You spoke, biting your lips. You can hear Cody Sigh as he looks down at your lips. It turned him on seeing you trying to resist yourself from him, especially when he hasn't touched you at all.

"I know." He said

You shook your head, suddenly loosening the tie off of Cody. "I can't stand you."

Cody doesn't stop you; instead, he helps by removing his jacket and then the tie.

"That makes two of us," Cody spoke.

You gasped when Cody grabbed you by your neck and attached his lips to yours. You never thought in your entire lifetime that you would be missing Cody's lips.

This was wrong. Being in bed with him last time was wrong, and being here now was wrong. And you knew by the next day, you would call yourself stupid for letting your impulsive actions get the best of you.

But right now, you don't care. You desperately needed Cody's touch.

Your hands went straight down his pants, unbuckling his belt and pulling out his shirt, all while Cody pulled your hair back, kissing your neck.

"Fuck," You sighed at the feeling of his lips. You pulled your neck back, allowing Cody more access. You could tell he enjoyed kissing your skin by the reaction of him pulling you into him more than you were before.

With one swift movement, Cody moved you to the edge of the bed. His large hands were on the bare skin of your waist, causing you to shiver.

The two of you fought with each other. He pulls off your shirt and kisses part of your skin. Your neck, chest, collarbone. Your skin was incredibly soft, and his doing this made you feel on fire. You tugged and unbuttoned his shirt, getting impatient every time you felt another button after unbuttoning another. His shirt was fully tugged off, and you pulled him in, almost falling on the bug.

"Easy, princess," Cody smirked by your eagerness. "I'm going to take care of you,"

His voice, the way he spoke to you, touched you. It was all not helping you stop from being so eager and wanting more as you moaned his name, sucking the breath out of Cody as you could feel his member jump through his pants against your hips.

"Holy fuck!" Cody groans and pushes you on the bed. "So fucking beautiful and sexy."

Cody hovers over you as he attaches his lips against yours again. He lays you down fully before spreading your legs apart and unbuttoning your pants before gently teasing you by rubbing your underwear that covers your clit.

"I can feel how wet you are for me, baby; you're so delicate, so soft and pretty."

"Fuck you so sexy when you speak to me like that," you slipped out. You swear you thought you said that in your head, but by Cody's reaction, he heard you loud and clear, and that turned him on.

"Yeah? Do you like that? My voice turns you on?"

Your hips start to buckle as he pulls your panties to the side and inserts two fingers into you.

"Oh my god," you moaned, gripping the man's arm as you enjoyed the pleasure he gave. There was nothing this man could do wrong. He knew exactly what he was doing. A little too much, as he could already feel yourself finishing.

Cody's words slipped out of his mouth. "You're doing so well, baby," Causing you to move your hips against him. You felt like this was all a dream; however, the dream was momentarily over by the sound of a phone, causing you to whine as Cody stopped.

"Ignore it," You told him. However, once you saw the expression in Cody's voice, you looked over at the phone, realizing it was yours.

And it was Damian.

"Why is he calling you?" Cody asked, catching you off guard by his sudden hint of jealousy.

"I don't know; I'll worry about it later." You spoke. However, Cody moved his hand away from you as he backed up and looked down at you.

"No, answer it," Cody smirked. Your face made a confused expression.

"What!?"

"Answer it, and put it on speaker," Cody demands. "I promise I won't say a word," Although you knew this was a bad idea, you took your phone off the nightstand and answered, placing it on a speaker like Cody told you to do.

"Hello?" You spoke. Cody smirked when he heard Damian's voice through the line and began kissing your neck.

"Hey, can I stop by your room for a bit? I want to talk to you." He spoke.

Cody's hand eventually slides right back inside you, circling your wet clit, earning a gasp from you. However, you composed yourself.

"I-uh, now's is not a great time."

"Look at you, talking to another guy while a finger you, so fucking hot," Cody whispered in your ear, causing you to hold back a moan by biting your lip.

"Oh, well, I just have a lot on my mind right now that I wanted to let out my chest," Damian said. "I want to tell you, it is about us."

Cody slid two fingers into you, causing you to gasp again. This time, Damian heard it.

"Are you okay?" He asked. You can feel Cody smiling so hard at this. "Yeah, I'm fine, whatever it is, you can tell right now on the phone, I don't mind."

You had no clue what you were even saying to Damian as your hips thrust into Cody's fingers once again as he sped up. The two of you made eye contact as your lips parted at the organism forming.

"Okay, yeah," Damian said, nodding, although you couldn't see him. "Listen, I just wanted to apologize to you if I offended you in any way earlier. I believe you when you said that Cody lied and that you two didn't sleep with each other."

Damian words immediately made Cody stop as he glanced over at your phone. You weren't listening to what Damian was saying until what he had said came out of his mouth, and when you did, you were taken back.

"I like you, Y/N, and I don't want someone like Cody to ruin what we have so far. And you don't have to say anything right now. I know it's pretty late, so can we talk about this tomorrow morning, breakfast."

Cody's head shaking made you hesitate. He didn't want you to go. But you couldn't say no, especially after what he just told you. You ignore Cody's head, shaking as you speak. "Breakfast sounds good. I'll see you tomorrow."

Cody scoffed after you hung up and got off the bed. "You got to be kidding me, Y/N."

"Are you seriously mad at me?" You asked Cody as you noticed him fixing his clothes onto himself.

"Of course I'm mad," He said. "One you lied to him,"

"I didn't lie to him!" You defended yourself, getting off the bed as well. "And even if I did, why are you upset about it!? You and are not together?"

Cody turned to you. " I meant every single thing I said that night, Y/N." He said, "I meant that, and it's not something I will ignore. And I know that deep down, everything I said minutes before what happened got to you; otherwise, we wouldn't have had sex, and we wouldn't be here right now."

"Right now?" You raised your eyebrows. "May I remind you that you're the one who broke into my room!? You were the one who spread that stupid lie in the first place. I meant what I said that that night shouldn't have happened."

"So what? You're going to continue whatever you and Damian have going on. He's not someone you want, Y/N?" He asked.

"And you are?" You asked, crossing your arm. "Whatever is going on with Damian and me is none of your business. I mean, he's more than a man than you will ever be."

Cody smiled at your comment. Out of anger, however, he clenched his jaw. His eyes darken as he looks down at you. "Fuck you!"

"Fuck you too!" You yelled at him, "Get out of my room!"

"Gladly!" Cody yelled back and grabbed his jacket as he headed towards the door. He looks back at you before speaking one last time. "But when you realize the truth, and when you open your eyes, you're going to realize I'm right."

"I'd rather stay clueless and blind before ever saying you're right." You spoke. Cody shook his head before walking out the door and slamming it shut, leaving you alone as you sat down, trying to process what had happened.

[naviculariis]

Okay so. Serious post time. I'm gonna put this entire thing under a cut, but I'm also gonna post some TWs here: medical malpractice, uncertain diagnoses, family trauma / drama, grief, anxiety rambles???

But I am gonna take like. A semi-hiatus, just so I can catch up on what I owe.

I haven't talked about this over here, or on Tumblr in general. Only one person who follows me here knows about this bc we're friends on another platform.

So.

Y'all have noticed, my days don't follow a set schedule. I've been unemployed since my campus suddenly closed with very little warning back in '22. Immediately after that closing, we took a small trip to MS to be with family for Christmas, and that trip was... Bad. And on the 1st of last year, I had an accident- i was taking down Christmas lights and fell and busted open my head. I had an untreated, late diagnosed concussion thar no one really... followed up on, and have had slight memory loss even now from it.

So I couldn't work until my head healed up from that.

But that's not the medical thing. That is my mother. In October 2021, my mother went in for a routine stint placement that resulted in loss of almost total blood flow to her left leg for 36 hours. They almost had to amputate, she almost died on the table twice, she was hospitalized for a year. ( we've tried the legal route, but because the doctor never admitted fault on paper, he cannot be held liable & suing hospitals is... Difficult. Even though she has permanent damage, can no longer feel anything below the knee, and has to wear a brace to walk. ) My mother already had a weak heart to begin with due to years of smoking + cardiac disease. This was the first nail, essentially. This damaged her heart... a lot.

Back to the concussion. 4 days after my concussion, she had a massive heart attack that nearly killed her. She flatlined twice on the table. It was after this that we got confirmation that she is in congestive heart failure. My grandfather died from it. It's

... It's hard. We don't know which stage she's in because her cardiologist won't tell us, but we think she's in stage 2, or maybe 3. We don't know. But because of this, I am the one who takes care of 95% of everything around the house & outside. I do lawncare, I do the planting, I do the garden. She can do a lot, still, but when her heart gets going- it's painful. So I've been her caretaker since 2021 when the initial accident happened.

My grandmother is nearly 90 and has... Many health problems but somehow is also doing better than most folks I know. She's a mystery. And my aunt had a double knee surgery but somethings wrong with her knees, and they think the surgeries rejected, so she can't get around well or drive longer than an hour away. My grandmother no longer drives & isn't renewing her license. My mother can drive, but we don't want her to unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

So I'm the only one who can drive them around.

I have my own medical issues [ anxiety, depression, type 1 diabetes, cracked tailbone that never got treatment & is giving me hell for that- ]

So. Basically. A lot of my time isn't my time. And when I do have free time, I do try to write and chat as much as I can. At night, after I get mom to bed, I call my partner warner and we get a few hours together and then we have to go to sleep bc we're in a ldr & their timezone is an hour ahead of mine.

... I'm rambling.

It's just. It's hard sometimes. And a lot of the time I sort of sit on my back porch and cry because I'm doing this- physically- alone. Literally everyone else is 4+ hours away across the state. Or 9 hours south on the Gulf Coast, or 7 hours south in Louisiana.

I do try to stay on top of things the best I can, I really really do, but things slip through my fingers. I'm gonna try my best to get all caught up over this coming week, I think. But if my responses are delayed for threads, for discord messages- chances are, I'm busy with one of my lil ol' ladies.

On top of all of this, I live in a town of less than 900, the nearest city is 45 minutes in any direction, and the nearest BIG city is 2+ hours in any direction. Finding a job that isn't in Healthcare is impossible. And I have nothing against those who are in healthcare- I applaud you. But all of my trauma can be tied back to hospital ERs and any time I step foot into a hospital, I immediately have anxiety & can only hear the night we learned about my dad. So I physically cannot force myself to go into that field.

Which is... a whole other thing, this is getting too long. But I've been searching for a job for the past year and a half, have had 5 interviews, each one ended with "thanks for interviewing! However,". It's hard.

So I just.

My plate is a lil bit full. But I love writing. I love the rpc. It'sa comfort and a joy and I love meeting new friends and making new connections and I want to do this as long as I can but sometimes things get a little slow. That's all.

... anyways yeah. Semi hiatus. Cool.

[highwaytothedangerzone502]

Foxtrot Alpha Alpha - Chapter 37

Pairing: Hangman x Female OC

Word Count: 1417

Warnings: Swearing, insinuation of sex

Summary: Hangman learned his lesson a long time ago to never show his true feelings when someone's words or actions hurt him. To do so showed weakness that could be exploited, and Seresin men couldn't show weakness. Of course, there was an exception to every rule, and Jake's always came in the form of women, three in particular: his mom, Juliette Kazansky, and the girl whose name he could no longer bring himself to speak. She was the girl that got away; she was his biggest 'what if' and his biggest regret; she would forever be the ghost that haunted his dreams. Jake believed that's where she'd stay, for he would surely never see her again after what he did.

Or so he thought.

Notes: This is the sequel to India Lima Yankee; I'm using the same callsign for the Female OC as in Ghost Story because I just really like it, but they are different characters; chapters in italics are flashbacks.

Chapter Songs: True The Alchemy

****

Hangman

The blue light of breaking dawn peeked through his curtains, adding to the serene, surreal reality Hangman found himself in. Ghost lay beside him in the crook of his arm, her head on his shoulder and arm draped lazily over his torso. He traced mindless patterns on her bare back with one hand while his other rested on her arm. Sleep remained fleeting throughout the night, only allowing him a few precious hours of rest. It was Hangman's own fault. He feared if he fell asleep, that when he awoke, the events of yesterday and last night would be a dream. A cruel, heartbreaking, wishful dream. 

I love you. Ghost's words echoed repeatedly in his head. Hangman couldn't stop it. For so long, he'd ached to hear those words, and then she'd said them. Hangman hadn't quite been able to process it, still silently reeling from seeing the letters he'd written to her- with no intentions of ever relinquishing them to her- in Ghost's hands. Coyote had no right to give them to her, but while Hangman wanted to give his friend a piece of his mind about it, he also recognized that without it, he and Ghost may never have confronted each other about everything.

Ghost twitched in her sleep and whimpered. Hangman placed a kiss on the top of her head, and she settled down. A few moments later, she stirred, squinting at the daylight and letting out an annoyed groan. She shifted slightly up his body to hide her eyes in the crook of his neck.

Chuckling to himself, he whispered, "Good morning."

Ghost only let a tired grunt in response. She had never been a morning person unless it involved getting breakfast, so Hangman didn't take it personally. 

"You hungry?" Hangman queried. 

Ghost nodded but failed to move to let him up. When he pointed this out to her, she mumbled, "I think I'm going to choose starving and staying where I'm at."

Hangman, unable to stop himself from teasing her, said, "Can you say that again? I can't hear you when you're talking into my shoulder."

Ghost twisted her head and rested it on his chest, but didn't look up at him. She repeated what she'd said and added, "You didn't have trouble hearing me talk into your shoulder last night."

Hangman laughed good-naturedly, tugging her closer to him. "That's because you were screaming, not mumbling."

"Shut up." The searing kiss Ghost captured him in took away any seriousness from her statement. God, Hangman couldn't get enough of her. He never believed they'd be like this together, let alone even speaking. And the strangest sensation, the most unfamiliar emotion, settled over him. 

Happy.

He was happy.

Hangman tried to reflect on the last time he felt the way he did now. It didn't take long to figure out it had been before Ghoul died. A time when he and Ghost had briefly returned to Texas, and they sat on the bleachers of their high school football stadium, staring up at the stars, laughing so hard that tears filled their eyes. For the life of him, what they had talked about eluded him, but the memory and feelings remained, and Hangman would savor them forever, including the current moment he found himself in.

Hangman kissed the top of Ghost's head and said, "You relax here. I'm going to cook breakfast."

"No, no, I need to get up. Otherwise, I'll sleep until noon."

"We can go back to sleep after breakfast because God knows we barely got any last night."

Ghost grinned wickedly. "Who says we'll get any after breakfast?"

Hangman debated on saying 'fuck it' and skipping eating if it meant going another round -or two- with Ghost, but the love of his life decided for him, rousing herself out of bed and heading to the bathroom. He forced himself up and threw on some underwear and gray sweatpants before shuffling to the kitchen. He pulled out the bacon, the eggs, and some potatoes and got to cooking, playing some soft country music in the background.

About ten minutes later, Ghost padded in, wearing nothing but her underwear and his t-shirt. He nearly went weak in the knees at the sight but managed to stay upright through sheer stubborness. Ghost sat at the bar and watched him cook. Without a word, he slid a cup of tea over to her, already made the way she liked it with cream and sugar.

Ghost smiled sleepily and said, "I needed this."

"Wake you up for round two?" Hangman asked cheekily.

She snorted softly. "I'm pretty sure it'll be more like round six or seven, but no. It's not just because I got no sleep last night."

Hangman grated the potatoes to prep for the hash browns. "What's up?"

Ghost traced the rim of the cup, staring into the steaming hot liquid. "You know how my mom and dad split up for a bit before I was born?"

"Yeah, your mom came to Cali. Why?"

"She met up with Maverick while she did. They... had a fling."

"Huh. I'm surprised Charlie did that when she was still technically married. I mean, I know your parents were separated, but-"

"That's not the kicker."

"I feel I should stop grating the potatoes for this."

"You might want to sit down, actually," Ghost suggested with mild amusement. Hangman remained standing but braced himself on the counter. "It was roughly nine months before I was born."

"I don't... Oh. OH!" Hangman barely remained standing as the epiphany struck him harder than a plane going Mach 2. "You-you're-"

"Maverick's daughter," Ghost finished, crossing her arms on the counter and resting her chin atop them. "I haven't told anyone else in the Daggers. Not even Juliette. I wasn't planning on anyone finding out, especially Mom and Maverick."

"They know?"

"Yeah. Mom somehow found out, and I know she told Maverick because he tried calling me not long after Mom called me out on it. That was before I came over here, so, you know, was dealing with two existential crises at a time. Figured this one might be more easily solved since it was closer to home."

"Maverick's close to home," Hangman pointed out, tossing the potatoes onto the skillet. "Why not deal with him first?"

Ghost shrugged. "I don't know where to start or what to do about it. With you, I at least had history to go off of."

"And the knowledge that, for better or worse, I just can't say no to you."

Mischief flared in her eyes. "You shouldn't have told me that."

"Food first-" Hangman said, piling her plate with breakfast- "cardio after."

He joined her at the bar, and they said nothing as they devoured their food, starving from yesterday's activities. And last night's. But Hangman didn't mind the silence. It allowed him to wrap his head around everything that had happened and been discovered in the past twenty-four hours, and Hangman couldn't decide what shocked him more: Ghost sitting beside him as more than a friend or the news of Ghost's real father.

Maverick was Ghost's biological dad. 

How... well, he knew how, but still. How would this affect Ghost's relationship with the Captain? How would it affect her relationship with Juliette, who had practically been a surrogate daughter to Maverick? And Rooster, who might as well have been Maverick's son? 

"Trust me, I've had the same thoughts," Ghost said quietly, picking at the last few pieces of hashbrown on her plate.

"How did you-"

"I recognize the expression," she replied simply. "I should probably call my mom back, and Maverick too, for that matter, but I don't want to deal with it. I just... I want to enjoy a sliver of peace and happiness right now."

Hangman grabbed the underside of her stool and pulled her closer to him. "You don't have to face this alone. I'm with you."

"Forever?"

He leaned in and pecked her on the lips. "And always."

Ghost smiled, a blush rising on her cheeks. "Would it be okay if I stayed here a little longer? I don't want to go home yet."

"Of course," Hangman replied immediately, silently pleased not only for his own selfish reasons of keeping Ghost at his side for as long as possible but also because a little voice whispered sinisterly at him that if he let her out of his sight any time soon, he wouldn't see her again for a long time. 

****

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[laugtherhyena]

If kinji successfully killed Kizuna. Just cuz i can. :3

This is the last ask-story for a while probably. I had scribbled down the idea for this fic after reading the new chapter and before work. So i am working on it now. :3

I also just need to finish a prologue concept for a project im helping on, so. Yeah.

-

Kanata hadn't slept much the night after the trial. The sight of Kizuna's lifeless body still haunted her, so much so that she couldn't even sleep for a few minutes without waking up screaming and gasping for air.

"I should've stayed by her side. I should've been more cautious..." she told herself, "it's all my fault."

The morning alarm went off, startling her out of her misery. Would she be allowed to talk with everyone again this morning? Why was she asking herself that... they probably didn't trust her, she had failed Kizuna, after all.

She forced herself out of bed. Each footstep felt heavy, each heartbeat felt like the last, and every sound was unbearably loud. Her stomach felt hollow, and yet she didn't want to fill it with food. She didn't want to do anything at all, for that matter.

Nobody knocked on her door. Not even Yamaguchi or Hatano, the two who had shown the most concern in the trial.

Maybe it was better that way. Maybe it'd be easier to grieve alone.

She turned on the lights to the room after feeling the walls a bit. She examined the room briefly, never having had paid close attention to it before. Nothing seemed too unordinary-- it was a room meant for the ultimate cheerleader, after all. however, what did end up catching her attention were a few spare yellow ribbons tied in bows around a hanger. Why they weren't by some sort of mirror was unknown to her.

Her fingertips brushed the satin fabric lightly, a hesitancy in her own movements that she didn't quite expect. At the same time, her thoughts were racing. Would Kizuna be fine with this? Shouldn't the ribbons be left untouched?

But the ribbons were all Kanata had left of the cheerleader. Maybe... maybe wearing them would help her cope.

-

May continue in comments if i ever feel like it/if i even can but. I got smacked with the "how the hell do i finish this" and got stuck.

Also the ribbons were in the closet because i dont remember the layout of Kizuna's room and i didnt want to have a super heavy investigation scene.

OUGH i love the idea of her keeping the yellow ribbons and wearing them, like how Teruya kept Haruhiko's glasses, what a nice touch.

I do feel like Kanata would blame herself a bunch over her death because Kizuna was her friend and her patient so she really would feel as if she's failed her after giving them girl so much hope for the future. Ayame would probably blame herself a little too just how she does over Kanata and Kakeru's deaths, i imagine she'd try to talk with Kanata during the investigation and apologize but Kanata really isn't in the mood to talk and just tells her to leave. She's not mad at Ayame she's just suffering and trying to focus on the awful task of performing an autopsy on the body of someone she cared for so much.

I never thought much about how Kinji's murder plan would have gone other than that he was bringing Kizuna back to the switchium and the spear was his weapon of choice. Unsure how exactly he was gonna kill her other than in a way that should kill people fast and then pose her body in a weird way (think like Chihiro in THH but not exactly like that you know?), but Kizuna is Kizuna and much like in canon she resists the killing blow long enough to leave a dying message.

Then once he's done (likely around the time Ayame, Yuki and Akane finished talking and are coming back to their rooms) he would approach them and tell them he hasn't found Kanata anywhere and that the door to the room was open, so they call the others to help search for her and the class scatters trying to find her, this leads to Kinji's leading a couple of them to where he hid Kanata and them getting her out of the locker just in time to hear the BDA announcement since another group of people found Kizuna in the switchium.

[lucifyrfallen]

following my last post about reverse species kiri and spider

when thinking about the au, i didn't considered the fact that spider doesn't really need to have paz and quaritch's DNA, it could've just been one of the two, and i also think that technology there would've improved so much that he could've just been entirely made artificially. i did it because i just like the drama.

i was also very sleep deprived when i posted that au, so i didn't consider that the sully's might also adopt him since i don't think his appearance would trigger neytiri since he is, well, not a human.

of course, he could also get adopted by another family. but that's up in the air if anyone wants to think about it.

now, i could go into two different direction. one that kinda follows canon and the other is an entirely different story.

since he is born in a not so normal circumstances, spider would've still be visiting the scientests a lot. to get tested, and to see if everything is alright. that part stays the same, but this is where the branch would start to separate, the first one goes on to explore on entirely different story.

before Spider was even made, there was a lot of experiments that failed over and over again. they had successfully made human babies before but na'vi babies are different in biology and their purpose. artificially made human babies are alive, na'vi babies are made to be vessels; this experiment was created to make more avatars faster, and in large quantities.

so imagine everyone's surprise - more so freaked out - that Spider started to have a heartbeat just a few days after the humans were sent back to earth. it's faint, and you could barely hear it but its there. Norm frantically called over Jake, followed Neytiri who is convinced that it was Eywa's blessing, and she's probably right. like always.

Spider was taken out from the machine he was in (whatever it's called,, baby maker 3000) as soon as he tried to open his eyes and started spasming. it was the sound of a miracle that night, a newborn cry.

only when he did settle was when he was cradled in the arms of his mother. (inspired by @dirtytransmasc mama!neytiri au mwah i love you)

he would be the oldest, and i think his personality would reflect that. i don't think he would take Neteyam's place, but definitely more... responsible, and a teacher to his younger siblings if anything.

now on the topic of the movie, where he was kidnapped. there's a large possibility that he would've traded places with Kiri, that she would be kidnapped instead but let's focus on one idea first.

if Spider was kidnapped, he would've done the same thing as OG!Spider would, keeping his mouth shut and acting as if he doesn't know anything, but definitely more... aggressive, i would not be surprised if they bound and strapped him down. i do think they be more brutal to him as he and Quaritch do not share any history together, so there would be no bond between them. he could potentially warrant some pity points and go outside with the recoms to "loosen him up"

Spider doesn't try to run away since he could endanger his family and clan because of the tracker they put on him. so instead he tries to use other methods to ward them off, like trying to kill them with Ikrans or hunting like a "na'vi" with little to no instructions. hoping that one of them will die. they don't, unfortunately.

so he went through their plans, all the while making his own. maybe he could push one of them off the boat and let some fish eat them or maybe stab them in their sleep, a lot of ideas.

Spider tries to hide his anger towards the murdered Tulkuns, his disgust when they show off as if it's something to be proud of, he really did, but he couldn't help the hiss when they showed off the golden fluid taken directly from the poor mothers brain. so what if he purposely tripped them face first by extending his leg in their direction, not his fault that they can't see, and it was definitely their fault that they thought Spider even wanted to see this.

Spider did everything they want him to do, in hopes they will not kill him before he does. but one he regretted was agreeing to translate for the Metkayina tribe, for letting those monters burn down their homes, and threatening their lives. he has begged, cried, and screamed for forgiveness- for them stop. but they wouldn't, even when he latched onto Quaritch and fought him, made him bleed - bruised him.

Spider was sedated shortly after that.

ok....i have more.... but i will continue, later. following Quaritch threatening Kiri- all those juicy bits, and of course i will elaborate more on the other possibilities. again my inbox always open if you wanna talk more or questions, n all the sorts, thx !!

[nomoreusername]

The Plan (Part 3)

Pairing:Aris x female reader

Summary:Despite the hate Aris seems to show you, you both know that there will always be more under it.

I wish I could say that I had regained my senses enough to wake up and walk back to my tent. Instead, I did the exact opposite and sobbed in the snow until I passed out.

That's why I have no idea how I woke up in my tent, tucked into my sleeping bag the way I always was. Only one person had ever slept beside me, and he was the last person who would take me home.

But he also shouldn't be. I screwed up. I really, really screwed up, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I can.

While it's not all her fault, I can't comprehend why Beth did that. I hadn't done anything to her (that I could remember), and even if I did that was worse than anything I was even capable of.

Staying still, I stared at the tent wall as I debated never leaving. After last night how was I expected to be around him without apologizing a thousand different ways a thousand times over? How was I iust supposed to go to the gardens like this has all been some nightmare that I would wake up from any second now?

Taking a breath, I wiped a tear that I somehow was still able to I cry before going back and forth with the options in my head. On one hand, I didn't know how to face him after he discovered the truth. On the other, I couldn't just pretend that he didn't exist. I honestly didn't want to. I was the one who destroyed us. Not him.

Which means that I have to be the one to fix this no matter the cost. Because he was worth more than whatever it could be. More than any material item, my pride, my ego, or even whatever might have mattered to me in the past.

I had to fix this.

I just don't know where to start.

♡ - - - ♡

The hours had passed by. While I had assumed finding some way to talk to Aris would be no problem, it only became evident how wrong I was towards the end of the day. Then again, that's also my fault. It's like the second my eyes land on him I forgot how to speak, and I can't fix us if I don't even know how to say hi.

So I stared at him from a distance, praying that he would look up for just a moment and meet my eyes the way he used to. Yet somehow he was always able to dodge my gaze.

He hates me. He actually hates me.

I know that this shouldn't really surprise me, but I'm still sure that someone was kneeing me in the gut. I need him to just look at me. Just for a moment. I need to talk to him. I need to figure out what to say.

I need him.

I need Aris.

But as I stared at him for just a moment, I always turned my head before I could truly take him in the way I wanted. I know it was cowardice, but the thought of speaking to him after what I did, the thought of him telling me that he didn't want to see me, shattered my heart into pieces that don't fit together.

So I don't know what was wrong with me, but as I saw him walk away from the eating area my feet had a mind of their own as they followed him. Acting like nobody else existed, I didn't speak as I tried to think of what I should say. Still, every word in my mind was jumbled as I kept going after him through the forest.

I don't know where he was going, but he seemed determined to be away from the world. Just as I thought he would decide he was far enough he would pick his head up and go forward. That meant I had to do the same.

Walking past frozen bushes and fallen tree branches, he wrapped his scarf around him and pulled his jacket tighter. I wanted to beg him to just turn around, but my throat seemed to have swelled up. So we kept going and going and going until he was as isolated as you could get.

Standing in front of the shed nobody went in, he looked up at it like he knew something that nobody else did. Putting his hand on the doorknob, he went to open it so I stepped closer. Too immersed in being anywhere near his presence, I didn't realize that I had done the cliche step on a stick move until the snap echoed through the dead air.

Turning around, he saw me standing there in the open. We both stared at each other before I found the ability to speak.

"I'm sorry. I know you don't believe me, and you have every right not to. You have every right to not want to see me, but I can't not try,"I rushed out.

"Congratulations. Did you get a callback for that performance?"He deadpanned, crossing his arms as he looked right past me.

"I don't know how to say it enough. I don't know if anything could go back to what it was, if we could get back what we had, but I can't live knowing I didn't do everything possible to earn your trust and love. I may not deserve it, but I swear if you let me prove how much you mean to me I'll love you right. I won't lie to you ever again, but I just need a second chance. Please, I am pleading for you to to just give me one more chance, and I'll do everything that I should have from the beginning. Please let me prove myself. Please Aris, please,"I begged, not looking away as I stepped towards him.

"Calm down, Y/N. You can save it for the addition. I'm sure you'll be the lead,"He scoffed.

"Aris-"

"Go show off your acting skills to someone who wants to see them. I'm done with you,"He whispered, walking inside the shed.

"Please. You weren't supposed to find out like that,"I repeated, still following him.

"Apparently, I wasn't supposed to find out at all,"He mumbled.

"Okay. You're right, but-"

"Wow. Who could have thought you'd ever lie to me,"He muttered.

"If you just-"

"I came her to get away from everyone. You know when I thought one of you was going to kill me in my sleep or something this was my hiding spot? I'd be here until someone found me the next morning. Because that's what you all did. I didn't feel safe in my home. Do you know how screwed up that is?"

"It is, and we should have given you a chance. You deserved one,"I nodded, breaking my gaze.

"Yeah. I know."

"Aris-"

"What part of I'm done with you don't you understand? You can't fix this, Y/N. You will never be able to fix us. No matter how many times you try you ruined everything. Not Beth. You. You are the one who carried out the plan. You are the one who tricked me. You are the one who kissed me as if we weren't built on lies. You are the who would tell me how much I meant to you. You are the one who was supposed to love me. But I didn't mean enough for you to tell me everything. You didn't love or trust me enough to tell me yourself. I would have been hurt and maybe a little mad, but I would at least try to understand. I would have listened to you and know you cared enough to be honest. It's not even what you did. It's that the leader of my hate club told me first. I asked you what she was talking about, and you didn't have the guts to admit what you did,"He listed. I stared at the floor as more shame bubbled up in m stomach.

"Look at me. Look at me after breaking my heart,"He demanded.

"I can't-"

"Look me in the face. Look me in my eyes after being so cold. Look at me."

"I-"

"Look me in the face. If you can lie to my face you can look at me to see what you did."

"I'm sorry,"I promised, forcing my voice steady.

"You know what? I was an idiot for loving you. An idiot."

"No. You don't mean that. I know you're hurt, and I know that you're angry, but please don't act like we meant nothing. Please don't pretend we didn't have anything. Tell me how much you hate me but take that back. It's not true. It's not."

"I think it's truer than anything about our relationship."

"No. We were something special. We had something."

"I can't deal with you,"He repeated, going to walk past me. In a split moment a strong gust of wind went through the shed before slamming the door shut. With wide eyes, he started pulling at the doorknob before pushing on the wood. Banging on it, he kept trying to force it open until he winced and pulled his hand back. Daring to turn on the light, I saw the little pieces of wood under his skin.

"Let me see,"I requested, my old Medic instincts kicking in. To my thankfulness and surprise he slowly put his hand out. Looking at it, I saw a few in his palms and fingertips. Glancing around, I spotted the back-up first aid kid.

"This should be quick. Just try now to move,"I instructed, holding open his hand. Sitting directly under the light, I got the tweezers and started what had once been so natural to me.

Finding one, as I pulled it out I saw him wince again.

"I'm sorry. I'm trying to be gentle,"I promised.

"Yeah. I know,"He nodded.

From there we sat in complete silence as I examined ever inch of his hands. From the obvious ones on his palms, to his fingertips, to the sides, I didn't allow myself to miss a single one. Only when I was sure of it did I put away the kit.

"Why do you do that?"He whispered as I found its original spot.

"Do what?"

"Make it so hard to hate you? Why do you do that?"

"I don't know. I'm not trying to be."

"That makes it worse."

"I'm sorry,"I repeated, sitting on the floor across from him. Moving against the door, we sat with that invisible wall that I couldn't figure out how to break.

♡ - - - ♡

The atmosphere had never been more tense. Then again that was a given. Even though he realized us getting locked in together wasn't part of a plan (I hope) there were just a lot of things to say, but neither of us seemed to be capable of words.

"Was it worth it?"He suddenly whispered.

"Which part?"

"Playing me to find out the truth? Was it worth it?"He clarified.

"No,"I answered.

"So this was all for nothing then?"

"I do love you, okay? I've never told you, but I do. So much more than I could or knew how to say. So I just didn't. I never told you all of the things that I should have, that you deserved to know, because it was easier to pretend it was all fine. Because I knew that I would lose you, and I know it's selfish, but I couldn't risk that. I would do anything but let you go, and that was more than wrong. I never meant to fall for you, and I never meant for you to end up hurt. I didn't realize how good you actually are until it was too late. The plan was already over with. I knew that, but I dragged it on for as long as possible just to stay with you a little longer. I made excuse after excuse until having to come clean. Until admitting there was nothing off but I couldn't just leave, because I was completely in love with you which is messed up, but it's the truth. I just wanted us to survive whatever happened, no matter what, because I am so stupidly in love with you. Even if you don't think so, I am. I'll love you until the end of time even if you don't. Then, I'll love you beyond that. You mean everything, and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that. I'm sorry for being too much of a coward to say what you deserved to hear, to tell you everything. Even if you don't believe it, which I don't blame you for, it's the truth. That is the full truth,"I spilled, holding back tears.

"Please don't cry. It's so hard to be mad at you when you cry,"He whispered.

"I'm sorry,"I repeated.

"What you did was really messed up."

"I know."

"It really hurt. More than anything anyone else did,"He admitted, taking a shaky breath as he met my eyes. "But the worst part is that I still care about you. I think. If the person I was with actually is you, I don't know how to not feel something around you. Even if I really don't want to. Even though I shouldn't. I know that I shouldn't care about you the way that I do. I know that it's not good to want someone who hurt you. I know that I'm not supposed to think about you the way that I do, but I can't get you off of my mind. I'm trying, but apparently I'm not good at knowing what's bad for me. Because my mind knows not to want you, but my heart doesn't. It's smart to just forget about you, but I also don't want to. You were the first comfort that I had, and even if it wasn't meant to be true, I can't just let go of you after that. So the worst part of all of this is knowing that I can't stop loving you even after what you did,"He confessed, not taking his eyes off of me as they filled with tears.

"I'm sorry, Aris. I'm sorry,"I whispered.

"Y/N, be honest. What we had, when was it real? When did you actually fall?"He asked.

"I don't know when, but I know how it built up. I know that somehow my thoughts were consumed by you until I found myself falling asleep to the thought of seeing you the next day. I realized that I constantly thought of the boy I was supposed to be playing and instead of thinking anything about that, I smiled. It was like that stupid plan didn't exist as long as you were around. Then, when you left, there was just this pit of guilt in my stomach that I swore was going to make me throw up. I found myself looking for you across the Spring and wanting to be with you instead of my friends on Blondie night. I tried to tell myself that it was all pretend, but when people kept reminding me that I could let go of the plan I denied that being true. Soon, when I couldn't lie to anyone, I couldn't lie to myself. I knew that I loved you. I do love you."

He was silent for a long time. Staying completely still, neither of us even seemed to be breathing as we stared at each other. Every now and then I would hold myself back from wiping the tears from his eyes.

After another shaky breath he moved next to me. Holding out my hand, I silently begged for him to hold it.

Staring at it, then me, he shook his head no. Nodding in understanding, I put it down. Leaning closer, I froze as he put his head on my shoulder and pulled his knees to his chest. After regaining the ability to move I dared to put my hand on his knee. This time, he didn't object to the small act of affection, but I didn't push it. He was near me in some way, just barely letting me touch him, and that would have to be enough for a long time.

When I earned his trust back maybe, just maybe, he would let me do more.

[lilacarclady]

A snippet from my Taiju Shiba fanfic 🤍

Find it on Ao3/Wattpad: @lilacarclady

Being a woman, was the most wonderful thing to ever happen for me. I love every single thing about myself and my body. And as selfish as that would sound, I found us the most elegant and creative human kind to exist. But aside from all these sweet qualitative sides about being a woman, I found being one could always give you a ready to-go excuse at hand whenever you needed it. So today, in the morning when Yuzuha's alarm sounded off and she woke up, I gave her that excuse. Even though it wasn't true and it was all there is, an excuse.

I told Yuzuha that I got my period this morning, and the cramps were so bad that I couldn't even get up. So she understood. And told me to stay laid down and rested. And so I did. I also told her that I found my phone last night, somewhere in their house, and maybe Hakkai had found it at Mitsuya's place and brought it here.

Which it clearly sounded like a really dumb made up story but she didn't say anything. But promised me to call and check on me later today.

I didn't even bother to lift the covers off my face to look at her, because I wasn't sure what my face looked like and if his fingers had left marks on me from last night.

As the events of last night came forming back in my mind, I found it very strange that I even managed to sleep at all. But I did. From the second I came back to Yuzuha's room, I remember the hot tears on my face and the foggy feeling that crept into my head, dizzying me, and without realizing it I fell instantly asleep. And thinking about how strange that was, I realized my body was going through something internally. I just didn't know what it was.

Now finally in the bathroom, it was around ten and I just got up and out of Yuzuha's room. The house felt quiet. So I thought either it was empty or he was still sleeping in his room.

I ran my hand through my bangs to push my hair back and leaned closer to the mirror. And sure enough, they were there.

Round, small patches of redness and small cuts were dotted on both of my cheeks. Three maybe on the left cheek and one on the right, where his fingers were pressed. Again, his mark was on me, and again, I felt shamefully stained. Like somehow those marks were not only a reminder of his hands on me, but also a reminder of my own cowardice and lack of awareness. Because I walked, with my own feet, into his room. And I was the one who kept pressing on what I knew will only stress him more. It was all my fault.

I turned the faucet and splashed my face with cold water, hoping it'll help with easing the redness of those patches away. And if they didn't go, I might just do the same thing Yuzuha did to my arm with concealer until they disappear.

After finishing in the bathroom and brushing my teeth, I walked back to Yuzuha's room, my feet pacing the floor as quietly as they could, and put my toiletry bag into my backpack and headed downstairs. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I was too hungry for that. And it was raining heavily again outside to go walking home now, so I decided on finding something to eat.

Downstairs, the air felt cold and dry as usual. And I rubbed my hands over my bare arms as I walked into the kitchen. The backyard door was surprisingly closed shut and everything was misplaced and messy.

My eyes moved from the pizza box on the counter since last night, when he was eating from it, to the piled dishes in the sink. I sighed to myself and opened the fridge. I promised myself not to make judges about Yuzuha's life. But now after knowing what I know, I couldn't help but feel sorry for them.

The thought of not expecting anything to eat in there evaporated quickly and my eyebrows lifted when I saw the fully stocked fridge in front of me. There were fruits, drinks, snacks, milk, eggs, ham, cheese and two jars of peanut and jam next to one another. The confusion couldn't help but sink in deeper in me, because this was not normal! But maybe it's because Taiju was here, I thought.

I grabbed the peanut butter jar and went to take a spoon out of the drawer. I felt a moral tug in me like I shouldn't eat anything more than that. Because it was for them, and because it was one of the rarest sights to ever see in this house.

I then took a seat at the kitchen table and took my phone out of my sweatpants pocket, finally checking what I missed in the past few days. There were texts and social media notifications, a few missed calls and an email. I tapped it open and saw that it was an invitation that was sent by one of the girls in our class, inviting me to a halloween party she'll be having at her place on Halloween Day. And my face wrinkled at the screen. A party was the last thing I needed at the moment, considering how the last party I went to ended.

As I was scrolling through my phone and my tongue working around the slippery peanut butter on the spoon, I heard a shuffling noise descending the stairs in heavy paces. And I froze, the spoon still in my mouth. Then seconds later, his inked and bulky figure appeared in the kitchen and headed straight towards a cabinet a few feet away from me. Without even glancing at where I was sitting still on the chair.

Taiju was shirtless, only in a pair of shorts and the chain around his neck. I watched as he opened the cabinet and took out a bottle of Advil, popping two pills into his mouth and swallowing them dry. And that answered the questions in my head that he was indeed drunk last night, and today he was hungover.

I pulled the spoon slowly out of my mouth and with it came the wet, sucking sound of something slipping. My cheeks grew hot instantly. And Taiju, at that movement, turned his head and glanced at me sideways, annoyed, then turned back. But then he lifted his head, glanced back at me one more time and said, "What the hell?" Surprised and probably only now realizing it was me at the table. I noticed how hoarse his morning voice sounded. I placed the spoon back in the jar silently.

"Jesus, didn't I tell you not to keep on wearing her clothes?" He was looking at Yuzuha's t-shirt and sweatpants that I was wearing. And I frowned at this because he obviously saw me wearing them last night. But then I remembered he was drunk and probably couldn't remember anything of what happened. Not my clothes, not us talking, and for sure not him hurting me. I averted my gaze away and shrugged.

I heard him sighing and then walking to the fridge, opening it. And as he did, my eyes scanned his bare and muscled back. The black and big cross that was covering his entire back made it hard to focus on anything else. So my eyes kept staring, my mouth opened slightly. He looked good, too good. And that idea hurt in my head because I didn't want to see him in that way. I took a breath.

"Like what you see?" He said as he bent to grab a banana and closed the fridge's door. I shook my head and turned my gaze down at my peanut.

"It's a nice tattoo." I murmured, my voice weak.

"Sure it is." He said. I could hear the smirk in his voice as he walked towards the coffee maker.

When he was pouring a cup of coffee for himself, I took another spoonful of peanut in my mouth. My eyes focusing at the black screen of my phone on the table. Then I heard the chair across from me scraping on the floor and Taiju sitting. His banana and black coffee with him.

He bent forward, the cross around his neck dangling as he took a sip then gulped it bitterly. "That's all you're having for breakfast?" He said. I nodded.

"There's food, you know!" He added.

I nodded again. "I know, I don't feel like eating." I said then glanced at what he was having and he seemed to read my thoughts exactly.

He also nodded. "Too hungover to eat." He said.

I slouched my shoulders and took my phone, feeling how awkward this was getting, I wanted it to distract me.

In the edge of my eyes sight I saw that he leaned back in his chair, one hand around his coffee cup and the other was tapping lightly on the table. And his face, I wasn't sure where his eyes were, but I felt them on me.

As I was scrolling through my phone again, I absentmindedly pushed my hair back and away from my face, and that was when I heard the tapping of his fingers stopping.

He leaned in on the table. "Look up." He said, his tone flat but demanding. And I hesitated for a second before locking my phone and slowly lifting my face at him.

His eyes roamed my face, more precisely, both of my cheeks. Then he leaned back in his chair again and exhaled a heavy breath.

"What happened last night?" He said and I shrugged again, clearly unable to find my voice.

"Talk."

"Nothing." I whispered, then I saw how impatient he looked, I added. "We talked."

Taiju nodded, clearly racking his brain for memories about last night. His eyes kept staring at me still as he did and I felt myself shrinking in my chair. Like any minute now, my body will keep on shrinking under his pressing gaze until I become the size of the pills he just took.

Another sigh escaped his chest then he took a gulp from his coffee. "Why aren't you at school?" He said, putting his cup down.

I wanted to shrug again but stopped myself, so I just shook my head. "Wasn't feeling well." I said. Taiju nodded.

Few minutes passed, or maybe seconds that felt like minutes, between us sitting in silence before I decided to stand up. I put my phone back on the table and headed towards the fridge to put back the peanut butter. Then I turned towards the sink to wash my spoon, feeling it would be rude if I just left it there. Even if the sink was already piled with dishes.

But then I looked at the dishes in the sink again and at the dishwasher next to it. Opening it and turning the water on, my hands started rinsing the plates and putting them into the washer. Since I was here anyway and had nothing to do, I might as well clean them, I thought.

"What are you doing?" His voice came from behind me when I started rinsing a cup.

I shrugged. "They're dirty."

"So..."

"I'm helping Yuzuha a little." I said as I bent to put the cup in the washer. Taiju fell silent for a few seconds, and what I was guessing, he was eating his banana and watching me. But I didn't mind that. As long as my eyes weren't looking into his eyes, I was okay.

After finishing the whole sink and turning on the dishwasher, I heard his chair making a soft noise. Not giving me a chance to turn on my own, he came behind me and his hands found my waist, turning me urgently to face him. A light breath got knocked out of my chest at that movement and I froze. 

"You didn't have to do that." He murmured, his face looked annoyed and I was aware of his hands still on my waist.

I shook my head slowly. "It's nothing."

Taiju's eyes lingered on my cheeks again, then his right hand lifted towards my face and I flinched against my will at that move. My heart jumped.

"Don't do that." He said. His fingers found my cheeks and I felt them wrapping around my face under my ear while his thumb started caressing my cheek, where his fingers were pressing forcefully at last night.

"They don't hurt, do they?"

I shook my head again, unable to speak because of the closeness he started getting. Again. And my body going into that panicked and alerted state. Again.

For a second, because of the way he was looking down at me, I thought he was going to kiss me. And I felt my cheeks flushing red at that thought. Then I felt my body splitting again, into two sides. Two forces were tugging at me. Like a civil war had erupted inside me. Fighting for dominance and control. My mind's army were yelling, blasting those sirens as high as they could, telling me to push him away and escape. Leave this house at once. While my body's army were surrendering, to him, and parting my lips ever slightly. Getting ready to receive the feeling of his mouth on me that never came. Because he didn't kiss me, and instead, his head titled sideways and he buried it into my neck. I shivered.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, so hoarsely and so low, that if he wasn't this close to my ear I wouldn't have heard it.

"Taiju..."

He nodded, not talking as I felt his hot breath now against me neck. And I uncontrollably crooked my neck sideways at that feeling, like hugging his face more into me.

"You can't keep doing this!" I breathed out. His hands left my waist and were now making their way around me, towards my back, his big palms started doing circular motions.

"Doing what?" He said. But just when I was about to talk, his hands traveled down, all the way to my ass and lifted me up forcefully.

I gasped, and scared from falling, wrapped my arms around his neck. Clutching to him like a life float, but instead of it saving me, I felt like that life float was only drowning me deeper.

Taiju turned and walked towards the kitchen counter, lifting my body up that I felt his fingers digging into my thighs as he placed me over the counter. Opening my legs apart and positioning himself between my thighs. "You were saying?" He said.

I blinked, once, twice, taking a few seconds to process what he just did. My arms were still around his neck, feeling tingly from brushing against the ends of his hair. I quickly pulled them down and shook my head.

"This's what I mean, Taiju." I said, my voice barely audible.

"This's not okay?" His lips were smirking now, slyly, and his eyes were the shade of butterscotch under the kitchen's morning light.

"Yes." I whispered.

"Hm.." His hands left my sides and made their way to my back again, but this time they found their way under the fabric of my t-shirt. And just when his hands touched the skin on my back, my body instantly arched forward, fighting the cold touch of his fingers on me. He chuckled, his breath landed on my face and I realized I'd gotten too close to him.

"How about this?" He said, now roaming my whole bare back freely. And I felt a big loss had happened inside me, because the winner of that civil war was definitely my body. So I wrapped my arms around his neck again, and this time, I was the one who buried my face into his neck.

"Good girl..." His voice sent a fuzzy, tingling feeling, that erupted from down my stomach to my whole body. And I felt like I wanted him closer now, more, closer between my thighs.

"Taiju..." I whispered again, feeling his warm skin now printing against my cheek. The cheek that carried the marks of his hand on me, and I felt like a traitor. Because I was clearly betraying my own self. But at that moment, I didn't care. I pressed my lips against his now slightly sweaty skin, kissing him under his ear.

I heard him drawing a deep breath then pulling me more into him, opening my thighs further apart and pushing his wide hips towards me. I was barely sitting on the edge now.

"Is this okay?" He whispered. I nodded once more into him, my lips wanting to kiss him again, but at the same time I started hearing a very familiar tone. And it took me a second to realize it was my phone ringing. I lifted my face up.

"Leave it." He said, his voice clear and stern now. I looked at my phone ringing at the table behind him.

"I have to see who it is!" I said.

"Later.."

"Taiju, it could be my Nana..." I started closing my legs so he could get back. But he was like a stone pole inserted there.

"I said not now!" He snapped. And I could tell he was growing irritated once more. A selfish part of me wanted to ignore my phone, because I didn't want to stop whatever was happening between us and didn't want his grumpy mood to come again.

But then I thought about my Nana and shook my head at Taiju, who groaned roughly and turned towards the table. Leaving me sitting on the counter as he fetched my phone and looked at the screen. Then he came back to where he was, exactly back between my thighs, and slid the phone to answer, pressing at the speaker.

I narrowed my eyes at the screen, trying to see who it was before talking, but Yuzuha's voice came quickly. "Emi, baby, how are you feeling?"

"Yuzuha!" I shook my head panically, "hey, I'm okay." I said.

Taiju's eyes were dead focused on me as he held my phone next to my face. His other hand was under my t-shirt, this time on my bare stomach and slowly inching their way towards my bra. I held my breath.

"Are you really?" Her voice started rushing, and I imagined her walking the school hallway now and heading to her locker. "How is the period cramps? Listen, I left some painkillers on my dresser along with tampons. I hope you found them!" And at that I closed my eyes shut and pressed my lips together so tightly, I was sure they were about to melt shut forever. Taiju's hand stopped under my shirt.

"You there, Emi?"

My eyes still closed, I nodded. My cheeks exploding like a volcano. "Yup." I said.

"Okay, that's good. Don't go out it's still raining awfully outside. I'll see you when I come back. I love you."

"Love you." I murmured and the line went silent. And in that awkward, awful, agonizing silence that fell after her phone call, Taiju put my phone on the counter next to me and drew his hand out of my shirt.

"Look at me." He said.

I slowly unclosed my eyes, my eyelashes fluttering and my eyes looking anywhere but at his. Still embarrassed to my core. Both of Taiju's hands came up to my face, and surprisingly this time, my body didn't do anything. Like him touching me was the most normal thing ever now.

Taiju cupped both of my cheeks. "You okay?" He said, his brows furrowing at me. And I didn't catch if it was an annoyed look or a concerned one. I nodded.

I wanted to tell him that I didn't get my period. That I was perfectly okay and that was just an excuse to skip school and not let Yuzuha see my face. But I couldn't. Because talking about it again still felt embarrassing. 

He brushed my cheeks again, so lightly, it surprised me. Because it was unbelievably strange that those exact hands, that almost broke my jaw last night, were capable of being this gentle.

"You go rest, then." He murmured and his arms went to wrap around my waist, lifting me limply, like I was a small rag doll, and putting me down on the floor again.

I cleared my throat. "It's okay." I said, "I think I'll go change and head home." We were standing in front of each other, looking and feeling just as awkward.

Then Taiju moved to clear his cup and banana peel from the table. "It's still raining." He said.

I turned to take my phone, looking out of the kitchen window. "It's okay, it's only a ten minutes walk." I said. But it wasn't okay. Because I'll obviously be drenched if I went in that rain now.

He went to put his cup in the sink. "Still, it won't be safe for you." He said then turned to me, his eyes unreadable. "You could stay."

I shook my head, not wanting to read more into that invitation of his. "I can't, Taiju." I said and locked my eyes with his. "I can't be here when Yuzuha comes back." Then I pointed my index finger towards my cheek.

He stared at me for a second before running a hand through his hair and looking away from me. "Okay, give me a minute to get dressed and I'll give you a ride." And with that he walked out of the kitchen.

Fifteen minutes later, I was standing back in the kitchen, dressed in my school uniform from yesterday and my backpack hung over one shoulder. I managed to shove everything there along with my textbooks hurriedly because I didn't want to take too long. But Taiju was still in his room, and as I was waiting I took my phone out and texted Yuzuha, telling her that I was heading home and thanking her.

After pressing send on my text, I heard his heavy boots making their way towards the kitchen and I tugged sharply at my bag, readying myself. Like a soldier standing straightly still when his commander came by.

Taiju then entered the kitchen and the first thing I looked at was the long, too familiar, red coat of his. His hair was now more neatly styled and brushed.

"You ready?" He asked. I nodded and his eyes went down to my legs. "Won't you get cold in this?" He nodded towards my short skirt. I shook my head.

"It's getting cold out there, and it'll be freezing on my bike!" He cocked a brow at me.

I shrugged and pointed with my chin towards his bare chest under the coat. "Won't you?"

And he chuckled as he walked closer to me. "Try controlling that smarting tongue of yours." He said then opened the backyard door. I followed after him, my lips tugging in a hidden smile as I breathed in the familiar cologne of him after passing me.

Outside, I noticed that the rain had stopped. And there was nothing left but the rainless thick clouds in the sky and the muddy pools in the yard. Taiju walked towards what looked like a motorbike under a thick cover of plastic dotted with raindrops. And with one strong pull, it flew to the side, splashing those raindrops with it, and revealing his big black bike underneath it. I gulped as I walked slowly towards him. Careful not to step over any muddy patch.

"Wait here." He murmured as he left me by the bike and went inside the house again.

Looking around me, I realized this is the first time in a long time that I see this yard. It wasn't like the typical backyard of a house. Because for a starter it wasn't grassy or bushy, but muddy and I imagined it would look like a deserted space of dust when not wet like this.

I noticed how wherever I looked, I found one or two items or a part of a bike. Just thrown there and forgotten about. Tires of all sizes and wires were also put in one corner, now covered with rain and mud.

Then I noticed a tree, a big tree that it looked like it was wronged for being here. Because it didn't fit with everything around it. And I felt an urge to walk to it, but before responding to that urge, the kitchen door opened again and Taiju came back. His eyes studying me and holding what I recognized as a helmet in his hands.

"Put this on." He said when he reached me.

I took the shiny and silky black helmet from him and stared momentarily at the letters that were engraved on it. They were 'BD - TS' in a white font and I knew it meant the words 'Black Dragon' and 'Taiju Shiba'.

"Ready?" He said. I nodded and slipped it over my hair. And instantly, I was greeted with the smell of his cologne again inside of it. Then I felt my heart doing a little flutter at that feeling. The coziness of the helmet and his smell made me feel like my head was being held, hugged, between his arms. Like I was being held into his chest.

"Hop on." He said. I nodded and swung my leg over the big bike. My bare legs felt cold against the metal sides of it.

"Okay." He said, "hold on tightly." And I nodded again even though he couldn't see me. Then I snaked my arms around his torso, hesitantly. Taiju took my arms and pulled them further, making my body lean in and press over his back.

"I said tightly." He said and then locked my hands around him. The leather of his gloves sliding over my skin. So I held him, as tightly as I could. And as he turned his bike on and it roared to life, I felt like I didn't want to ever let go of him. Ready to go wherever he wanted to take me...

[fizzingwizard]

personal

My dad's shared a thing on Facebook which is about relationships, and how they aren't all heart eyes and rainbows all the time, and it takes more than just luck to make them last, it takes real commitment and understanding... All good so far.

My problem with it is it lists certain things couples in strong relationships do: compromise, overlook faults, forgive each other, endure problems.

All STILL good with me... if only it took care to mention as well something like "face one's own shortcomings" "divide the load fairly" "make an effort for each other's sake."

I know from watching my parents that just suffering together, because of each other, isn't enough to make a relationship last. Granted, my mom did a lot more of the compromising and overlooking of faults - my dad didn't bend on a lot, and he didn't often have anything to forgive my mom for.

But the thing is, my mom stayed married to him for over 25 years. The last ten, she told me, weren't great. The divorce was coming. However, she never knew it until the last moment - the moment when she finally decided. Before then, she always forgave, always overlooked, and endured endured endured.

When she decided to end it at last, she STILL gave my dad one last chance: she asked him to take her on a date. She wasn't expecting fireworks and the keys to the city. Just to be treated with attention, and made to feel wanted.

Well, my dad showed up for the date... And that's about all he did. There was no effort. It seemed like just another night. So she realized, this is what the future will be like if I stay with him. He's not going to change.

She put up with so much over the years. She wasn't a total pushover - she DID ask for help. My dad would always make an attempt at it... I can't really call it making an effort though. He would do whatever it was up to his standards, which could be pretty low, never to hers, which were NOT unreasonably high.

It's very important to see each other as flawed individuals and love each other in spite of our faults. But if you overlook every fault, out of love, and the other person doesn't take into consideration how their faults hurt you, then you'll just go on hurting indefinitely. That's what I'm saying. People can't change certain things, but other things they can, or at least they can figure out a new system or way to ensure their weak points aren't so crushingly heavy on their partners.

At home, my dad had an office. It was very small. But it was all his. It was covered in his stuff: train sets, Beatles paraphernalia, pictures of his youth. He had a keyboard and a computer and his guitar and he would make music in there, or watch TV, for hours and hours, only coming out to eat dinner. Meanwhile, my mom didn't have any space for herself. Why couldn't she have their bedroom? Well, because my dad insisted on a very large bed. In his defense, he's a big guy. But I'm not kidding when I say that aside from that bed, there was barely enough room for one person to shimmy in and out of the room. It was NOT my mom's space, and she often didn't even sleep in it because of my dad's snoring (OR his white noise machine).

We all knew my mom wanted her own space. She told us. We had a basement that was mostly finished and didn't get used that much, so she decided to make herself a space down there. What my dad should have done was prioritize that. My mom hadn't had any space to herself at all since having kids - we were teens by then and my parents had owned the house for a few years. She worked and took care of us and did the errands and cooked the meals and and and... My dad pretty much just went to work and came home most of the time. (Not to make him sound lazy: he also did the mowing, maintenance work around the house and most of the driving. The thing is the stuff my mom did was daily. His was extras that cropped up only at certain times.) It should have been obvious to my dad that my mom didn't only deserve her own space, she needed it. But he left it to her. Meanwhile, various things going on, house renovations, etc, meant that making my mom's space got pushed back and back and back, and the available space as well got smaller and smaller. In the end all she had was a desk in the wide open basement that anyone could come to any time, whereas my dad's office had its own door.

It's stuff like that which gets me. It would have been an act of love to notice your partner needs something and help them get it. But to my dad, it was no different than my mom saying she wanted a manicure: just for fun, and while of course he supported her in it, it was totally on her to go and get.

We kids followed my dad's example in regards to my mom. When she was upset, he would line us up and make us listen to her yell and cry. This didn't happen often (years later she blamed PMS, and after said migraines - honestly though I think it was just way too much cumulative stress and no support). But when it did, the idea was pretty much just for us to listen to her. And then nothing would change. At first we could say it was because my dad had a full time job and was tired enough himself. But he lost the job and never really had one after that. He was just home. And then it was, well, he's depressed. But it continued even when he got pretty comfortable. My dad is interesting in that he can be very sentimental and reflective at times, but always has a strong enough self-love to power through. (This describes me too. It's an aspect of myself I like and am grateful for. But, as much as I do love my dad, I also really, really struggle with every way I resemble him.) And we are talking many years here, during which time my brother's mental health collapsed too, and my dad didn't help by always getting in fights with him. My mom wound up supporting my dad and my brother pretty much by herself. She did her best to support me too. But I was at college and tried hard to just not need support.

My dad definitely was capable of doing more for my mom the whole time. He just didn't. His life was comfortable and convenient, and he considered it her job to make sure, if she needed something, she would ask for it. But when she did ask, it led to nothing, or only an attempt at it. (I'll never forget the year he got her a snuggie for Christmas and she was like -___- and I gave her jewelry I picked out while considering her style and she liked it so much that he got jealous :P) At that point, in his eyes, it was her job to not only ask for things, but to make sure he knew just how much she wanted it. Like there are degrees to requests from your partner. I mean, sure, "I'm having a heart attack and need to be rushed to the hospital" is definitely more pressing than "I need more help with housework." But that housework request still isn't something you can just ignore until your partner starts nagging (aka having the audacity to ask you again for what you didn't do the first time around), in which case you worm out of it or do as little of it as possible... I mean come on.

I so wish that as a kid I'd had more clarity about my parents' relationship. But they said everything was okay, and I didn't know how any other relationships looked, so I just believed them. My mom of course didn't want to bad mouth my dad to me. But I wish she would have been more honest while I was at least high school age. I loved both my parents and couldn't pick a side, but I could have been more understanding of how difficult it was for my mom on a daily basis. My mom is too nice to have said anything that would make me resent my dad. Not to mention, my dad, although he has many good points, is also perfectly good at making people resent him all by himself.

So yeah. Love is forgiving and enduring and all that. But it's NOT just getting steamrollered by a partner who says "Love is accepting me exactly as I am."

Geez, another memory: My brother was having a bad day during the worst years of his mental health problems. I guess he was 18 or 19 then. I was home from college for Christmas. I had spent every day listening to him and how he talked to us all, especially to my mom, who only ever supported him. I had been reading Captain Awkward religiously, trying to learn how to support my brother, while also supporting my parents, and not be ignorant. I told my mom about a Captain Awkward post that talked about letting your loved one with mental illness know how their treatment of you is affecting you in a loving and understanding manner. It pretty much said, being supportive isn't the same as being a doormat. I mean this stuff lasts years - decades. Getting angry and blaming the person who is going through so much is never the way, but there were some example phrases that could be used to try to meet in the middle and create some peace for a while. Well, I convinced my mom to try it. I heard everything she said to my brother. Her voice was low, gentle, and not accusing. My brother shouted so loudly it made me jump all the way in the other room, and send my mom racing down the hallway in shock. My brother came after roaring about how no one understood him or cared about him. For him, that's where he was at, I guess. He's doing much better now, and we've loved him and have been proud of him the whole time.

But. Please think of my mother. Who was going through that sort of thing constantly, without so much as an apology. She's given her heart, her time, and even her money to take care of her family whenever we were in need, and she really never got anything much back. Even me, although I've been one of the fortunate ones not to have mental illness, and to be able to take of myself for the most part. I used to dream of making some money and sending my mom on the trip to Italy she's always dreamed of. I have no money. I chose to teach pre-K like an idiot. I love it but the salary is peanuts and no one's had a raise in ten years. And I lost so much of my savings just paying off student loans. It'll take a miracle to get me to a point of financial stability where I'm able to do that kind of nice thing for my mom while she's still independent and able to go do it. As a teenager I didn't understand why money was so important, because I had no idea how much of it you need just to get by, let alone have any extras. And I developed a personality that is just the worst possible for selling anything. I can't even sell my school lol. I can't lie at all. If I think something is stupid I can't hide it. In that way I'm my own worst enemy every single day.

I'm making myself upset now :P

[windalchemist001]

electric twilight

I sighed deeply as I woke up, I knew that I should be more excited, but honestly today felt like there was a weight on me, maybe because of all the stuff I had to do?

Soghing at the thought I got up after all Crowley wanted me to do some stuff for him, and hopefully that jerkwad would actually keep his promise and give me some extra spending money for tonight. Taking a moment to pop my joints I stood up and moved about to change into some clothes that I had manged to scrap money together so I wouldn't be stuck wearing just the uniform or trying to piece together clothes from the outfits I've been given for different celebrations we've had.

I yawn left my mouth and I rub at my face as I hoped to get rid of the sleep that seemed to want to pull me back to its grip. But nope work. And thankfully I had help with said work as I moved over to my lovely feline and picked him up. Though it was clear he wasn't to happy. Not that I cared we are both going.

"Come on grim, we need to earn money to go to the light's festival tonight." I set grim down since he was now awake and complaining about being awake so early which I than rolled my eyes and mention I'll make food which seemed to make him happy.

Honestly how is it that food always makes him happy, I don't know but at least it made my life somewhat easier to deal with him.

I hummed as I moved to get out of my room and waving to the ghost who were sort of my roommates. It was so odd I've slowly gotten use to all this. And yet I sort of had to though I wish I didn't but it is how it is, at least ill have a lot of fun so I can't wait, oh and if I'm lucky both of my crushes will actually make an appearance since both said they were going so being able to interact with them always made my day.

A weak hearted fool i am, but damn it, I need something to keep me sane in this crazy place. And its not wrong for me to have feelings. Though my heart ached knowing that the feelings were sadly one sided. And I couldn't help but sigh knowing that.

But pushing that thought to the side I washed my hands and than begin working on breakfast, amy mind already thinking about how after eatting I would have to deal with the headmaster dumb ass and than I need to meet the guys to take the bus lead to town. It was a lot but it would be worth it hanging with friends after all. And with that I smiled deeply thinking about how fun the night festival was be

_______

Several hours later had me hummubg as I shifted my bag. After all the bs and struggles we arrived in town, honestly im super excited we some how manged to get here since Crowley had me (and grim to a lesser extent) that i had almost missed the last bus heading to town.

Though I had told the guys to leave ahead of me. Only ace and deuce stay behind the others left. But ill be honestly i was rather greatful they hadn't left me behind because i hate being alone despite me always asking for it. I am rather cat like in my personality.

I was also glad that my three dummies were not to upset with me, maybe because they felt it was Crowley's fault (which it was, because fuck him) i took a deep a breath to calm my nerves since no need to be ticked when I'm off to go do something fun righr?

Though I must admit I did find myself a bit nervous since unlike the other few times I went into town with professor crewel or professor train. I was going to have to be the adult in the group given my dummies did always find themselves getting in trouble and i sometimes wonder if they were all toddlers rather than freshman in collage. Again I signed deeply hoping for the best.

But with that sighed it seemed my vision came to focus and I begin actually seeing everything out the window rather than be blared out do to me zoning out and faded into my own world. And I must admit this experience was much more different than looking out the car window because I didn't have to keep grim controlled (well not as strictly any way) on my lap rather grim had his own seat and was currently getting in another verbally disagreement with ace. About what I wasn't fully sure but I tune it out since it didn't seem to important for now.

No rather i spend my time looking out the window hoping to remeber the way everything looked to try and draw it, if I can even begin to try to give it justice (which I'm sure I can't but I want to at least try) but I also decided to take a picture since at least I would have a lesser copy to use as reference.

But of course taking a picture seemed to draw deuces attention who wasn't fully un the fight and with his questioning grim and ace seemed to turn to me.

I rolled my eyes and explained i was taking a photograph of the city and the setting sun. After all the way everything looked could be the perfect background for a movie or comic. And i didn't mention it but I could use it in my not so rewrites of my/borrowed stories (hey! It's not like copy infringement can get me in another world) and its not all borrowed works since some were my own stuff too.

I made a mental note to continue some of my work since i need to put out a few chapters, but didn't think to much on it as ace than begin talking about what he planned on doing again, which I softly tuned it out so I could still respond to, but honestly I wasn't interested in having to watch ace hit on girls, if I was a guy, maybe, but I wasn't into it, and I wonder if it was a good thing or a bad thing that ace was cool with saying it infront of me, though wish they felt like this, before and maybe we could have avoided the whole azul incident..... maybe.... probably not.

I sighed again, and it seemed deuce my second fave (favorite if only humans) dummy decided to speak at least seeming to be aware that I wouldn't be into trying to hit on random people.

Which I agreed to and even voiced that I would rather wait with a first aid kit from the side lines. Hinting that I was sure someone would end up slapping ace in the face. Actually, I could picture ace as Johnny brovo and him going flying. Honestly it made me chuckle at the thought and admit to nothing when questioned about the laugh.

Thankfully deuce had said something to annoy ace and thus the two begin fighting and I decided it might be wise to break into the snacks I bought to shut them both up. Again I couldn't help think of them like toddlers. I again hoped the bus ride would be quick

____________

Sure the bus ride wasn't that long when trying to be peace keeper it felt so much longer. But once done the guys quickly darted over to the ticket booth while I followed behind them, not just because of my lack of height, but also because I always did prefer to be in the back hidden away and not dealing with to much bull.

Ace was going a mile a minute trying to seem to get the guy to drop the price a few thaumarks so we can get ride all the ride wristband. And while that was nice and all but I sort of didn't want to ride all the rides since I didn't know if I felt safe riding a pop up roller coaster and given that last pop up ride, I rode I almost fell out of (me being a small child be damn)

So me avoiding things that go up high would be nice. But I did want to do that gravity ride which would be cool. I hummed as it seemed ace manged to get the wrist bands for us and i thanked him. Sure ace can be a tad annoying but he was still a good friend (though a bit of an ass hole, but in a good way)

Taking the bands for me and grim I moved to put it in his ribbon collar knowing he wouldn't be able to keep it on unless I put it on his tail but it would be easier to lose it there once done I put my own on. And moved to give him what I owed for them which I had mange to catch being thirty percent off, which wasn't a lot but it still also helps.

So once money exchange hands I waited for the guy to lead the way and rolled my eyes when ace tried to get deuce to pay him full price due to some bs fee.

Honestly these two idiots. So again I cut in and mention we should try to do a lot of stuff before the parade and fireworks begin, which seemed to get them in gear. I also wonder if we would find the others. Which also made me wonder if I would see the two guys I really wanted to see. Even if this love or perhaps crush was all one-sided just being near them made me happy.

Even if it was stupid and foolish, sighing wistfully I found myself trailing behind ace and deuce and ended up seeing and pointing out a water gun game and moved over to see the prizes. Looking about i trying to decide what I would want i soon found and adorable rabbit stuff animal and I turn to tell the guys only to see they were gone.

I couldn't help but frown and pushed down the panic that begin to fill me. Was it because I got abandoned, or was it because those three always got into trouble when left alone, maybe a bit of both. Quickly moving away from the booth and did my best to weave between people hoping to find a hint to one of the three. heck ill make due with anyone I know, since either they can help me find those three or at least make me feel safe.

I called out for my friends hoping they would answer me, seems now I've become the toddler lost in the crowed, it unsettled me how they could invite me and than abandoned me, like some sort of cruel prank, perhaps that was where the panic was coming from? Knowing and conformation that im unwanted?

Like some cruel reality check that I've forgotten as if me diluting myself into belive I had friends was only but a fools earns and I like always am nothing more than a tool to be used for nothing more than a punching bag.

Breathing was slowly becoming to much as the dark thoughts began making its way to the surface choking me, as I continued looking about. The bright lights of festival seeming to be some cruel reminder of what I can't feel like.

It also highlighted the joy and happiness of others far different from my own state of mind. I called out for the guys once more I could hear the slight cracks in my tone as a mix of fear and panic seems to slightly bleed into it.

Surely if I didn't calm myself I would send myself into a panic attack. But the sound of my name being called seemed to snap me out of my mid panic and had me jump at the suddenness of it.

Turning to see who called, shame suddenly replaced the feeling of fear, after all a familiar group and sort of unlikely group were walked up to me. And while one was the most important of the group two were the ones I didn't like for a couple of reason.

"Are you ok? You seem to be slightly panicked." The voice that was filled with concern, while normally was made me feel comfortable, as if i didn't have to worry about the bs that im normally surrounded with. But at the moment was filled with a mix of emotions. After all how was one meant to feel with your crush seeing you doing something shameful? But than again he seems to actually be very worried about me, which belive but made me feel at least liked even if he only saw me platonic

And while I wasn't really fine I didn't want to seem needy and thus lied that I was fine . Though I decided to mention that I misplaced the trouble trio.

Seeming simpathic trey informed me he hadn't seen the for a while and I quickly apologized to him saying it wasn't his fault. And honestly it wasn't. Rather it was mine for getting distracted like a small child. But than again I was the type if child who got lost at Walmart and even as I got older I still did only difference was that I was old enough to run around looking my family or when I got a phone called for locations.

At this point I seemed to be reminded of Carter the first guy I didn't like, he one for how fake he was. And sure I didn't have proof Carter wasn't actually faking his personality, but as far as I knew it just felt phonie. And run me the wrong way.

The second reason being that somehow the jerk realized. My crush/one sided love for trey, which the jerk kept being up, even if subtly. Like for example at the very moment suggesting trey give me the stuff animal that I had been eyeing in his arms when I hadn't been looking at him.

And the second person I hated for three reasons rather than just two like Carter. For one the guy was unsettling, to the point I wanted to run, two for the dance comption (I still want to rain his neck for that bull shit) and third because he somehow figured out my crush/one sided love for both Trey and Horton!

How i got screwed with that I don't know but either way the jerk seemed to also enjoy mocking me like Carter and say and do shit I don't need him doing. Like example right now he seemed to think it was ok to work with Carter.

The urge to kill them seemed to fill me but I didn't want to do that infront of trey. And I apologize for them being stupid and that he didn't have to follow along with the other third years probing since I didn't want to bother or inconvenience him.

"No it fine, i think it might be better to give it to you" Trey moved to hold out the stuff animal to me. The very stuff animal looked like the one that looked like the one at the water gun booth.

I looked from the rabbit back to trey and than the rabbit again before reaching out to take the stuff animal my hands brushing against trey's and I felt my face heat up at the simple touched. I sort of wonder if I was crazy or if he felt anything but given the fact he doesn't say anything made me belive its just me like always.

I looked away from him unable to keep gazing into his face and moved some hair behind my face as I moved a few stray hairs behind my ear. As I thanked trey for the gift and found myself holding the rabbit to my chest.

Though after a moment I recalled something and looked back at trey. Informing him that I've tweaked the recipe of the apple roses I've enjoyed making, and like always wanted his thoughts. It was something I've been trying to make and make perfect all on my own, but that doesn't mean I can't ask for thoughts.

"I will see you Sunday than." Trey smiled with such kind eyes.

Honestly it made me want fangirl. How could trey be so kind and handsome?! Like ah! But its not like I can say all that and I simply nodded, the fact he recalls i always want to show him on Sunday was super nice too. He is such a good guy.

He made me happy if only my feelings were mutual, but ill settle for just being allowed near him, since I rather enjoy our time together rather than ruin it by make it awkward and than end up being avoided.

Though it seems cater and rook decided to speak and ruin this good mood of mine, and I could feel the twitch of my face with their annoying comments. But at least they also mention they just saw the trio and looking behind me I manged to catch a glimpse of them.

Cursing under my breath I turn back to trey and told him I better catch up and moved to run off though I did pause to wave at trey and tell him bye the rabbit being shifted to under my arm and off I went to try and catch up with my trouble makers.

_________

Having caught up with the guys it seemed the rest of our first year group just meet up. And it seemed the other were pretty happy. Even sebek who normally was a bit much. A lot like my dad honestly. I felt a ping in my chest. As I mildly wonder if my family even missed me, but I pushed the feelings back down were they belong.

Rather I focus on how sebek had glowing horns and was currently gloating about how they were meant to look like his master. I also noticed the glowing spots on his face that looked like scales and its not like he was the only one with glow and dark paint it seemed since both epel and jack (surprisingly) also had some.

Jack reminding me something out of inuyasha or basically any humanoid demon form anime. Kind of made me wish he was wearing a costume, but I wasn't going to say that, mostly because how does one convince someone to do so? ... well maybe Leona and ruggie could get jack to do so, but I don't want to deal with those two since it would be like moving though landmines.

Epel on the other hand was wearing something that was rather cringe. And i looked back to where I had been before, mildly wondering if rook would rat him out to vil. If so, I should probably prey for him, cause I don't know if he'll live.

Though given the fact he was as lit up like a Christmas tree, I'm not sure my prayer would be answered and made a note to get the heck out of dodge, if and when vil comes stomping about. Cause I refused to be bought into a lecture i have no part in. Being shorter than everyone one (not including ortho) had its advantages.

I was quickly bought out of my musing when grim called for me and I turn to him wondering what was up. Which gave the feline the chance to complain that he wanted food but I wasn't around to buy him food. I apologized and mention I'll buy him something right now only to glance up and see the guys taking off again and I looked to grim who darted off telling them not to leave us.

Honestly I was glad he said something as I moved to catch up this time not losing them and asked what should we get to eat since grim wanted to try something.

The guys begin discussing food options and I manged to give my own thoughts, but like always felt like I was butting into a private conversation rather than be part of it, but still I wanted to be included, with my friends.

After a bit we all made our way to an area that had a lot of food options and I admit I sort of wanted to see what they might have.

_____

After having everyone eat their fill, in which sebek ate so much, I wasn't fully sure where he put it. and sure I could eat quiet a bit, but even I had limits (also shame) and thus only ate what I thought was perfectly fine, but shit man how did these guys stay so fit with their eating habits? But than again, I think I'm the only introvert in the group, who would rather stay inside while these guys did have hobbies that involved running about.

Perhaps that's why I tend to always feel like an on looker rather than part of the group. Well that and the no magic. Being a girl, and of course being from a whole diffrent world might do that to you.

None the less I followed along quietly as everyone seemed to be in high spirts talking about all sort of things. Grim was currently eatting cotton candy (his on the go snack) as there was playful shoves between the guys. I would try and comment here and there, but the twisted of feeling like a third wheel just kept bothering me, even though I really wish it wouldn't.

It soon got to the point I had decided to go quiet for a while now. and despite that it seemed the guys didn't notice.so rather than focus on the loneness, i felt it better to looked around. All the while Hoping to see a familiar figure in the masses since despite my small stature the other tend to be easy to spot.

Sadly that didn't seem to be the case. And I wonder if maybe I had been hoping for to much, after all imsure he had more important things thab come here and than say hi. Feeling disappointed I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to keep the tears away.

Honestly I hated how weak I felt over stupid things like this. And I couldn't help but find myself to be a little greatful for the stuff animal that had only been given to me maybe an hour or so ago. Since I was able to bury my face into it to help with my emotions, if only for a bit.

Though once i pushed down my emotions for the uptiniing time I took a moment carefully listing for a pause in conversation before speaking. Asking jack if he could do me the favor of watching grim since out of everyone in this group he was the only one I could trust to keep an eye on the feline.

But before Jack could respond to me, ace spoke up. He seemed offended at the remarks of not being able to watch grim. Which is ironic, since he normally complains when I ask him to watch grim when I have to leave for a small moment.

None the less I looked to ace rather unamused with him. he was in fact acting like a small child. And decided to remind ace of the events that happened just the day before (the reason riddle had ended up collaring him in the first place)

Ace though seemed to be offended, but I could tell not really. (Or so I hoped) After all I had just left the alchemy room to run a quick eran for professor crewel, only to return to my three idiots with neon color hair/fur because ace decided not to behave and egged both duace and grim to fucking up their potions, but he also got hit with the cross fire. And of course the three of them getting chewed out.

And if not for me (reluctantly so begging) grim and deuce would still have neon hair. But I can't wait for the pay back to kick in because ace is getting that collar back on once today is over and I'm so not letting him stay with me for a few days.

None the less, I looked away from the pain in the ass that is ace. And looked back to Jack. To slightly begging for the most trust worthy of this make shift group to watch grim whole im away.

Jack who seemed torn for a while, sighed deeply. Once it seemed he manged to decide what he wanted to do he nodded which I have to admit had me sort of realif since it meant I didn't have to drag grim away from all the fun of the festival.

So with that I thanked jack, since it would be rude not to do so, and took a moment to reached into my bag and pulled out some thaumarks. Holding them put to jack i explained that this would be for grim should he want something while I wasn't with them.

I also rolled my eyes as epel, and ace seemed to be acting like idiots and fake asking for money acting like they were some mere beggars, I just wonder why I delt with these idoits.

None the less I looked to grim wanting him to understand that whst I was going to ask him i really meant it.so once I had his attention i asked grim to behave while i was gone. After all I really didn't want to clean up his mess.

Once I was sure he at least understood I looked to the rest of our make shift group, I than wave to to them, before turning to walk away from them. I could hear them make some comments behind my back but ingore it, since it was best to not acknowledge it and just slipped away.

walking, everything was so loud and busy reminding me being at a con, with so many people moving about getting and buying things. But unlike at a con where I felt at ease since the people were like me, people who wish to indulge in a hobby that makes them happy despite the world's judgment. So much so I could blend into the crowed with out feeling like I stick out or in being judged.

Sadly Here I was around a bunch of Stanger with out the aid of music to help tune out the world, which only made me feel more uneasy, by the moment. Which was why I was trying to get away from everything. Since I knew I was getting overwhelmed and I needed my escape. Not that being near the guys was a bad thing, but we shared no true wave length, thus I got no comfort from them, at least not in a way I needed it.

So with some walking passing booths for foods and games I manged to find what looked like a way out from the crowed of people and slip between couple of booths. one seeming to be selling fry food that smelt really good and the other booth that had stuff animals pin to the wall for prizes. They even seemed to have one that looked like mine's partner.

I made a mental note to check onwhat the game was later, because I didn't really see it. Though because of the food and the toys I was sure I would be able to remember enough when I trying to retrace my steps back to the guys (or so I hope anyway)

I sighed deeply and kept walking taking a moment to glance behind me to try to get rid of the uneasiness I was feeling even roll my shoulders and neck hoping to get rid of the tightness hoping that would make me relax. but even than I dont think it fully worked as I walked and walked till I found myself at the top of a tall hill. Or rather more a say I ended up walking up a slope that over looked the grounds (at least it wasn't stairs since I'm and i quote healthier end quote, but not by much)

Pushing away those thoughts i re focused on the area around me, noted that slope seemed to plato to a field of white that seemed to shimmer in the moon light. the unnatural light from below didn't seem to effect it much, or maybe it did I can't be fully sure.

But looking up the sky it self seemed to be effect by it as if the stars were taken from it even the color of the sky wasn't its true color. for it was effected by the light pollution thanks to being so close to the festival and the town. But back at ramshackle the stars shine and seemed to be more clearer. And a part of me longed to gone back home.

Though the thought of ramshackle as home made my heart ache. For the stars and this place were not truly my home, all of it was foren lands; the stars were not the ones I grew up under, nor was the soil I stood upon was not the ones I learn to walk upon. Everything was not anything I knew and yet I have come to slowly plant roots.

Closing my eyes I took another deep breath and let go of a heavy sigh. The weight that rested on me felt almost suffocating. But all I could do was keep moving forward. After all my roots might be stretching but they can still be easily killed. Sighing once again I bent down and plucked a dandelion and took a moment to roll it between my thumb and index.

I watched it spin for a bit my mind filled with thoughts before I closed my eyes once more. For despite my fragment memories and this foren world, I was still me. And thus my beliefs and habits are still in tacked. So needing something stronger than a wish and hope (not to say I didn't do both)

I prayed for the safety of my family and that they don't stress to much about my absence. I than took a deep breath and blew on the flower. And hoped, prayed that it would reach them.

I than moved to pluck another dandelion though thus time i turn towards the lights which honestly made me want to take a picture. For in its own way, the festival was lovely yet it was a reminder that i was in forein lands.

I found myself humming and wonder if the guys were behaving, I honestly felt like I was taking care a bunch of small children. Or maybe that was a guy thing? But than I again I've had guy friends before. Though once that thought crossed my mind I frowned.

I tried to think more on that fact, yet like it usually happens, when ever I try to recall certain things my head would ache, as if something was locking away things from my world. And no mater how much I tried to recall information it wouldn't allow me to remember it and would only stop once I stop trying recall. Unfortunately it was sort of normal here in this new world, but I had no real way to get around it, well besides stop thinking about what I was trying to recall.

Sighing to push away those thoughts and go back to what i had originally been thinking about, I made a wish that they guys would behave and not do anything stupid, that I would have to try and fix. But if they must to at least give me a week of peace. And than I blew on the second flower.

Sadly I couldn't get off all the seeds which i wonder if that meant i wouldn't get that sane peaceful moment which may have been to much to ask for anyway given the fact i know my idoits. But still i have to ask for it. So I decided to just look at the lights for a bit.

Though after a while of watching said light twinkle before me. I sighed softly again for the uptin time. Recalling a promise that seemed to not have been answered, and i begin to wonder if I was foolish for getting my hopes up. Tears pooling at the conor of my eyes. closing them to try and push back the tears, they seemed to fall instead. Shifting the rabbit in my arms I used it to quickly wipe them away using its head.

I than grab another flower as I kept looking at the lights. For a while I watched out to a view that looked perfect for a painting or story setting. So shifting the rabbit back under my arm i than used my left hand to hold the flower while my right to get my phone to take a picture, which didn't seem to do it justice but will hopefully be enough for me later, when I was being creative.

I than return the phone in my pocket and than took the flower back to my dominant hand and looked to the flower again. Closing my eyes rather than give my wish and prey silently I spoke this next one out loud. Hoping that by speaking it out loud that this dream/wish/hope and prayer would be heard. for it was the thing I long for the most, despite its selfishness. I beg to find the happiness I've spent so long wishing for.

For the other half of me, who would see me and despite every cracks and flaw I carry on all sides, that they would find me good enough to want me beside them. My voice craking as I pleaded with all my souls begged with every ounce I had and apologize for being imperfect and not the best follower. But still asked for forgiveness for that and that I will continue to try my best. And asked and pleaded not to be alone. Ending it with a final plea i than ended the prayer like one would end a prayer.

And with that selfish prayer done, I blew on the flower not daring to open my eyes fearful to see if I failed and let my hand and than the flower drop to my side before opening my eyes wiping at more tears pooling in my eyes.

I knew i needed to relax before returning so no one would see me crying. And I honestly didn't want to deal with a headache especially since there was going to be fireworks later. Which honestly would only be a pain if my head is trying to kill me. Taking a deep breath I wonder if I should head back though I could see all the lights from here.

Fixing the rabbit i rub my face more into its soft fake fur. Hoping it would comfort me in some sort of way. Because the aching in my heart only seemed to fester dark thoughts, and maybe those dark thoughts would start to consume me, a double edge sowrd of being alone meant I felt both relaxed and depressed.

I sighed softly and wonder if I could ever be loved.

"Child of man." The voice was a familiar deep ethereal tone that sent chills up my spine, and quickly turned to look behind me and see a familiar male. Again I felt the shame fill me after all I was in the middle of crying not to mention how long had he been there?

"Horton!" I practically shouted the nickname i have long given my friend/crush months ago. Before I found myself rambling on about how I didn't see him, asking where he's been and what ever else came to mind, honestly a wish I could just shut up, but wouldn't that make it more awkward? And all the while I just prattle on i hadn't even looking at him (not that, that was new, since I don't look at people in general when speaking) none the less I was possibly making myself look more stupid than I probably was before.

"Yuu~" the sound of my name on his lips seemed to make my face feel more warm and my heart flutter in my chest. While also stopping me from just word vomiting continuesly

Taking a moment to actually look at the male. I wondered what he wanted to ask, since neither of us normally used the others name. So surely it was something of importance.

Watching him, malleus extended his hand to me their was a look on his face that seemed to steal my breath and make my ownersface warm up.

"I did promise to watch the fireworks with you, so would care to join me?"

Hearing that I did recall asking him to join us with watching the fireworks at the festival, if he didn't feel comfortable with everyone we can separate from the others a bit and watch alone (along with grim since I was a tad worried how he'll react to the fireworks and thus didn't want to leave him alone).

Either way I reached out to take his much larger hand, which was so much larger than my own. But it made me feel happy, I can't even remember ever holding anyone's hand so this was rather nice.

Though it seems before either us could leave the sound of fireworks suddenly sounded and while still holding the males hand I turn to watch in awe, the display of fireworks. I must have underestimated the parade since I swore it was going to be later and a lot longer but I guess I was wrong.

No matter what though I couldn't help but hold on tightly to the hand I now held as the lovely colors flashed in the sky before us, truly glad I got to spend this time with guy I held the deepest of crushes on, even if my feelings are one sided I'm just glad to pretend even for this moment that im his and he is mine, even if for but a moment.

[fuck--wit]

i can't sleep tonight. tomorrow (in 4 hours) is the first day of my sophomore year of uni. i've been waiting for this day to come because maybe it would help pull me out of the funk i've been in lately, but im worried now that i'll be ill-prepared for it from the lack of sleep. i couldn't sleep the other night, either. i stayed up roughly from 1pm til 2am over 24 hrs later. my memory doesn't serve me well so it's hard to remember precisely how often these lows occur, but i haven't had a completely sleepless night since last fall at least. even my late-night meltdowns from withdrawals left me with some rest each night. i'm also worried about having to quit again. i hope with school starting that it'll be easier to distract myself, but i'm also worried about doing well this semester with just gummies.

i wanna make a sleep basket. i like to change up where i sleep a lot, recently i've been crashing in the couch pit we made. but i want a basket containing remedies for sleepless nights. a journal and pen, ibuprofen and other pain relievers(edibles), it's where i'll keep my loveys, tissues, maybe an easy reading book/comic book, and other things i think of that make sitting alone in the dark a little more bearable. it'll have room for my snacks and water, too.

i've been trying to find a hair routine that helps to accentuate my curl pattern. i've always had a mix of curls patterns from 1b-3b and i've had some luck getting some stronger waves sheet i tried using a cotton shirt during the drying process. i just hope it stays like this for school.

i also hope i don't get berated at school by one of my professors. i got a D in THE pre-requesite for my major and im so grotesquely concerned that my professor is gonna be all professor-y about it. i feel assured that i'm not getting kicked out of the program, i've done really well in every other major-specific course, but i will cry in front of this professor if they make me feel like i'm better off quitting. i know it's my own anxiety that makes me feel this way, and i know in my heart that i'm gonna try harder this semester, i just can't bare the thought of another adult criticizing me for my decisions.

my mom would also commonly get so anxious over things that she lost sleep for it. like the nights before our first days of school, she'd be so nervous about us missing the bus that she wouldn't be able to sleep. i picked up on so many behavioral patterns as a kid that it bothers me a little that i didn't know then what i know now. i wish i could have paid more attention to the patterns in her behavior as they pertained to mood cycles. maybe then i'd be able to determine if she has bipolar, and then if i do, too. it doesn't matter to me what label belongs to my mental illness, i just wish the professional world was more forgiving with accommodations. like, if only i could more easily vocalize my struggle in the moment. like saying, "hang on, what you're asking me to do is actually really challenging and i'm not sure how to do it. and every time i express confusion, you only repeat yourself. so forgive me for crying mid-lesson from stress!" i don't even know how i would go about asking for the other professor. they all work so closely together that i'd fear my current professor hearing my faults with them. and respecting me for it- that's actually the bigger fear. i'm afraid that if i speak up about getting scared or stressed out from this professor will make me look overly-sensitive.

it's been an hour so i'll try sleep again. otherwise i might as well enjoy coffee and the sunrise.

[amberthefantasy]

Starlight

Chapter 4: Power

I laid back in my bed, trying to process everything that I’d learnt in the past few hours. Vampires were real and there were seven right here in Forks. Not only that I, Elizabeth Swan, am a siren! A mythical creature in my own right. With abilities I knew nothing about and apparently didn’t even notice I was using. 

There was a knock on my door. “Lizzie?” Bella’s voice called through the wood. 

“Come in!” Lizzie called. 

Bella opened the door and slipped into the room. She’d changed into her night clothes and was obviously getting ready for bed. “You okay?”

“Yes Bells, like I told you the last seven times you asked,” I sighed, my sister and dad had been fretting over me since we left the Cullens and no matter how many times I told them I was fine.

Bella blushed, running her hand through her hair. “Sorry… I’m just worried, I mean you told me you were fine and then next  thing I hear is that you fainted in someone's arms and had to have tests done and…”

“Breathe Bella!” I said, standing up to grab her arms. “I’m okay really, you trusted me to know if I was okay to walk home and it’s not your fault I misjudged myself.”

“I know…” Bella muttered, her voice soft and airy. 

“You know I like it when you trust me,” I added, staring into her eyes.

“I know that too,” Bella agreed. 

“Then hug me, say goodnight and stop blaming yourself,” I said resolutely. Bella did as I asked and hugged me goodnight, checking once again that I was fine, to my chagrin. 

Dad stopped by a few moments later to ask a similar question and have a similar conversation. After that I was left alone. Staring at my hands, head cocked as I tried to imagine the purple mist Carlisle had described. Telekinesis … 

I turned to one of my pillows. Narrowing my eyes I raised my hand, willing something to happen. Nothing did. For a moment. There was a tug in my gut and an almost invisible soft purple mist began to emanate from my hands. The pillow began to shimmer with the same mist and slowly rise from the bed. I stared in shock as the pillow rose higher and higher in the air. Then there was the sound of something snapping outside my window and my eyes snapped to said window. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the pillow drop back to the bed as my concentration was broken. 

I walked over to the window, trying to spot anything outside it in the darkness. My eyes had sharpened, I noticed. I was able to see the trees and their defined leaves through the gloom. A deer, I spotted through the trees, that was what had made the sound, stepping on a twig maybe. That increased hearing would be hard to get used to, I decided, maybe the sound of small twigs snapping outside at night would be okay… if I couldn't also hear the sound of my dad and sister shifting in their beds and every now and then, the lone cars that would pass down the main road. 

Another glance out the window showed me that the moon was beginning to climb above the trees. I decided I should sleep. I rolled my neck as I walked over to my closet and changed into my nightgown. After a short trip to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, I flopped down on my bed and faded off to sleep.

---

Bella and Charlie were still fretting over me the next morning. “Maybe you should stay home…” Dad was saying as I pulled on a jacket.

“Dad,” I said, deadpan. “I’m fine. I’m going to school.” Dad still looked slightly hesitant, but I didn’t give him the chance to keep questioning whether or not I should leave, walking out the door and seating myself in Bella’s car. 

I knew that they were only fretting because they were worried, but I really was better. The headache was gone completely and I had a feeling I would never have one again. My muscles felt stronger too and I found it easier to walk somehow, every step felt more graceful, more sure. Bella entered the car a minute after me, she glanced at me but seemed to understand that I really could not deal with another moment of worrying and fretting so she let it go.

I spent the entire ride to school thinking over what to do. I should probably speak to the Cullens right? But how? What to say or talk about? Maybe I should start with small talk or bland conversation? Something that wouldn’t draw suspicion from spying ears or prying eyes.

Yes. I decided as the car pulled to a stop. Small talk first.

---

“Lizzie!” Sophie’s voice called out to me the moment I entered the science room. The dark-haired girl was suddenly in front of me, her hands reaching out to grab my arms. “I was so worried when you weren’t in spanish.”

“Hi Sophie,” I smiled. “I just had a headache after lunch, don’t worry I’m fine.”

Sophie’s brows creased in worry and she looked me up and down as if to reassure herself that I was telling the truth. “But you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” I repeated. 

She smiled and pulled me into a quick hug. “You didn’t miss much, don't worry.”

“Good,” I smiled, letting her pull me towards the same seats we’d sat in yesterday, chattering away as she did.

---

I managed to pull myself away from Sophie and sneak out of the school for lunch, trekking a few feet into the woods. I pressed myself against the rough bark of a pine, looking up at the sky and noticing a few dark clouds gathering above. There was the faint sound of footsteps. “Not eating today?” Jasper’s southern drawl called from behind me. I turned my eyes to look at the blond vampire. 

“Jasper!” I smiled, stepping away from the tree. “What are you doing out here?”

Jasper smiled slightly, “I don’t eat. And I noticed you weren’t in the cafeteria so-”

“-you came looking for me?” I asked, “worried?”

“I just wanted to see if you… needed something,” Jasper said, seeming uncomfortable.

“I’m fine Jasper, thank you.” I nodded, smiling softly at the man. The clouds gathering above parted for a moment and sunlight shimmered down on us. Jasper’s skin began to glimmer in the light, my own hands shining with a softer glow. I stepped back into the shade of the trees, Jasper following to keep out of sight of any passers by. “There was one thing,” I said after a moment of comfortable silence, “I’ll need help to train my abilities and make sure I don’t accidently use them, I almost did today, so-”

“-You were wondering if my family were going to help you,” Jasper interrupted. “Of course,” he reassured, “tomorrow, come by our house and we can begin training.”

I nodded. Tomorrow was a good time, I could tell Dad I would be going and he wouldn’t question why I wanted to spend time with the family who had helped me.

The bell rang again. Jasper and I came out from the trees, separating with simple ‘see you tomorrow’s and heading off to our final two classes.

---

The rest of the day and the following morning were regular. Bella and Dad still fretted over me all day but it lessened by the time we left for school the next day. At the current moment my eyes were darting around the cafeteria as I tried to find the Cullens. I had managed to get Dad to agree to let me visit their house after school. He’d been a little wary about letting me leave Bella’s side but after I’d reminded him that it was Jasper who had stopped me from hitting my head when I fell and that Dr. Cullen had taken care of me while I was passed out, he’d agreed.

I spotted them then, well, four of them, according to Bella, Edward had decided to take that trip to Alaska. Alice was hanging on to Jasper, spinning out from him when they reached the table to dance into her seat. Rosalie kissed Emmett before they separated their hands and took seats themselves. Rosalie must have felt my eyes on them because she turned to look at me too. She waved her hand at me, ‘come here’ she mouthed.

I glanced at my friends. If I did take Rosalie’s offer and joined the Cullens, it would draw attention. Jessica had implied that they stuck together and never spoke to anyone else. It would make people ask questions if I joined them, but I was part of their world now and I would be spending more time with them outside of school. I might as well be inside school too. 

I stood, ignoring Sophie’s questioning look, and picked up my bag. I walked over to the Cullen's table. Jasper had turned at the sound of my approach and shifted so I could more easily pull out the chair. People were whispering around us, some glancing our way, some straight up staring. I looked back at Bella, who’s eyes were wide in question, I smiled before I turned away and back to the Cullens.

“Hi Liz!” Alice said happily. 

“Hi Alice,” I smiled. “So, how have you been?”

---

“I’ll be fine, Bells,” I said, placing a comforting hand on Bella’s arm. “I’m getting a ride with Rosalie and I’ll be with them the entire time.”

“We don’t know the Cullens,” Bella said worriedly, then she lowered her voice to a whisper, “and Jess says they’re weird.”

I stared at her deadpan, “people used to say we were weird. Don’t judge without getting to know them first.” Bella blushed embarrassed. “Besides, Jasper saved me from getting hurt when I passed out, remember?”

Bella nodded, her expression was still slightly embarrassed and the lingering feeling seemed to soften her. “Lizzie!” Alice’s voice called for me.

I turned and smiled, “be there in a sec.” I hugged Bella tightly, “see you later.” Bella nodded and replied with the same words. I almost skipped over to the Cullens, who were all standing around Rosalie’s car. “Let’s go!”

Emmett let out a laugh at my enthusiasm as we bundled into the car.

 

Esme was waiting for us inside the door. “Elizabeth!” she greeted, coming forward to pull me into a hug. 

“Hi Mrs. Cullen,” I smiled. 

“Esme,” she said, pointing her finger at me.

“Esme,” I repeated with a slight laugh. 

“Carlisle should be home soon,” Esme said as she began to lead me through the house and into the kitchen, “you should have something to eat before you train.”

“Oh I’m really not-”

“-you didn’t eat at lunch, you snuck out, remember. Eat.” Jasper said as he took a seat on the kitchen stool. 

“Well I suppose I’m a little hungry,” I blushed. Esme nodded, dishing out a plate of pie and handing it to me. It was just as delicious as the food she’d cooked on monday. “How long has it been since you cooked?” I asked.

Esme thought for a moment, “90 years, give or take.” I gulped, letting out a cough as I choked on my food. Esme chuckled. “Vampire’s don’t eat, I haven’t had a reason to cook since I was turned. I’ve missed it.” I smiled.

Just as I was finishing up the piece of pie, the sound of a car pulling up reached my ears. Dr. Cullen was home. I was proven right in my assumption a few moments later when he entered the house. Carlisle smiled at me. “Good to see you again Lizzie.”

“Good to see you too Carlisle,” I waved. “I have to be home by 6 so…”

“We should get started,” Carlisle nodded, he waved for me to follow him into the sitting room.

Emmett and Rosalie had sat down on a loveseat. Alice danced into the room from a different door. She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to a seat on a couch. Carlisle sat down across from me, “I already explained the telekinesis to you.” He paused for a moment, seeming to decide on what to say next.

“I used it,” I said, “the telekinesis. I made my pillow float.”

Carlisle smiled, “good. That’s a start. There are other abilities of course but they are less obvious when used so we should start with telekinesis.”

“Okay,” I nodded once, “but I would like to know about the other abilities.”

“Of course. The most notable is the siren song.”

“Siren song?” My head cocked to the side.

“It’s an umbrella term really,” Carlisle said, “there are two aspects to it. The more useful is the command, when a siren gives an order to another supernatural being while their eyes are locked the being is compelled to follow the command, from what I know the command only lasts until the task is complete.” I nodded. That would be useful, I glanced sideways at Emmett who narrowed his eyes playfully at me. 

“The other type is referred to in my books as True Song, a siren’s ability to sing and control those around them,” Carlisle paused, “this is the one I am most unsure about I’m afraid.”

“I’ve always liked singing,” I shrugged. 

Carlisle smiled and let out a soft laugh, “well that’s good.”

“There are other?” I prompted.

“Well, there are the personal abilities,” Carlisle began, “each siren has a specific ability unique to them. I can’t tell you what yours would be, but you will discover it eventually I’m sure.”

A personal ability, unique to me, that was cool. “Oh, and you’re immortal.” Rosalie said. 

I blinked.

“Immortal? I can’t die?” I asked, turning my eyes from her to Carlisle. 

He grimaced, “not of old age no. Given the hardness of your skin now and your abilities I also doubt that it would be easy to kill you.”

Immortal… I was immortal. That would take some processing but I couldn’t dwell on that now. I had abilities to practise. “That I will deal with in time. I have forever right.” I laughed once. Carlisle winced. Esme whimpered slightly at the tone of my voice. “I need to practise so let's do that.” Carlisle seemed hesitant but when I raised my hands and began to will the feeling forward.

Carlisle moved a pillow out from behind him. “Make it fly Lizzie!” Alice said brightly. Her light tone seemed to make the mood in the room lighter too. I took a breath, focusing on the subtle feeling inside me and pushing it forward. My hands began to glow as the pillow began to rise. It went higher and higher into the air.

Suddenly, there was a crashing sound from behind me and I turned my head. The pillow dropped. Jasper was standing behind me, a pot in hand that he must have hit. “What the hell Jasper?”

“You need to learn to keep it up while other things are happening around you,” he explained. 

I stared at him annoyed, “warn me next time. I may be immortal but unlike you I can have heart attacks.”

Jasper shrugged, “sorry.” He didn’t sound sorry but I let it go. 

I turned back to the pillow and willed it to rise again. “Again.”

Starlight masterlist / post masterlist

[endthestarlight]

NaNoWriMo Day 20: Finally halfway!

Daily word count: 1841 || Total: 25639/50000

I am actually amazed that I got this far and only five days late too. Idk how much further I can get with only 10 days left, but also I still have 10 days!! Maybe that would be enough to get me to 30k or even 35k, I would be happy with either even if it's not the complete 50k for nanowrimo.

I'm gonna drop an excerpt from today's draft for the occasion and also because I said I'll stop being chicken about sharing my writing but then still proceeded to cluck around so here, I'll fulfil the vow I made to myself (⁠~⁠‾⁠▿⁠‾⁠)⁠~

One time the two siblings were reading an illustrated book, one about monsters and their victims and occasionally the heroes who defeated these foul creatures, if the tale was so inclined to end itself happily as a consolation. One picture of a gruesome child-eating beast in particular scared Eve, and Wilfred found it very much amusing. He had stopped fearing such things from storybooks so this reaction from his much younger and naive sister gave him much more enjoyment than just reading it. When Eve pulled away to cover her eyes and bury herself under the blankets, Wilfred pulled her back to his side and began telling her the tale. The more she shivered and whimpered under his arm, the more excited and animated his narration of the tale became, until—:

"BOO!" Wilfred yelled at the climax.

The sudden scream frightened Eve, and she let out a scream of her own much louder than the one that scared her. They were both in hysterics, with Eve wailing inconsolably as Wilfred laughed at her expense. Amidst all the noise they were making, Wilfred heard the door of the master bedroom slamming open and hurried footsteps thumping on the wooden floor. In a panic, he hurriedly shoved the book under his pillow and blew the candles out, and he urged Eve to stop crying lest they be caught staying up way past their bedtime. However, despite Wilfred's pleading, she could not stop. In fact she cried even harder, for the sudden darkness frightened her even more and made her frightful imaginings worse. She could see in the dark with what little light the faint moon offered her a shadowy figure lurking in the corner of their room, slowly advancing towards them without a sound as Wilfred tried to hush and quiet her down. It was nearing the bed where they were, reaching its clawed hand to Wilfred who had his back to it. Eve tried to warn him, but her words were jumbled, her tongue in a knot. She kept trying as it crept closer and closer, its sharp talons about to grasp at Wilfred's hair.

"B-b-behind you!" Eve managed to stutter out, a shaking finger pointing past his shoulder.

But Wilfred only snorted at her warning. "Hah! As if I'm going to fall for that," he said smugly. "What's behind me, hmm? What's behind me, Eve?" he asked as she shook him with both hands.

Then the door to their room bust open, and he yelped from the shock. Nate stood at the door in his pyjamas, a candlestick in his hand, with an angry expression.

"What ruckus are you two making this late at night?" Nate barked.

Eve couldn't be scared of their angry father though, for with the light of the new flame he brought with him, that strange creature disappeared like smoke being blown away. He had saved them both from danger and she was thankful for it, even if he came here to scold. She ran up to Nate and clung to him tightly.

Nate looked to Wilfred to explain things. "What happened here? Why is Eve crying? Wilfred, what did you do?" The last one, an accusation that stung.

"It's not my fault she gets scared so easily!" Wilfred protested, but that only gave away what happened.

"Ah, I see. You two were staying up late telling scary stories instead of sleeping, and you mister had the bright idea of spooking your younger sister out of her wits, is that it?"

"Look, it's not all my fault, okay? She wanted it—"

"We'll talk about this matter in the morning," Nate said sternly, shutting his protests down. He kneeled to be at eye level with Eve and stroked her head gently. In a voice much more tender than when speaking to Wilfred, Nate said: "Hush now, my dear Eve, it's alright. Do you want to sleep in the other bedroom with me and Mama?"

Eve shook her head, still sniffling. "No, no," she said, "we can't leave Wilfred here all alone. There's a monster here."

"Your older brother can handle any monsters here by himself," Nate replied. "He's a big boy, see? He's not even the least bit scared at all. He can stand to sleep here on his own." To Wilfred's ears that sounded like a condemnation.

Nate picked Eve up with one arm and was about to carry her off to sleep in the other bedroom, but Eve started hitting and kicking and throwing a fit again.

"No, no, no! We can't, we can't just leave him!" Eve cried out. "It's dangerous, it's dangerous here alone in the dark..." she trailed off in a trembling whimper and buried her head in the crook of his neck.

Nate sighed. Eve clearly wasn't going to calm down like this so he had no choice but to play by what she wanted if he wanted to go back to sleep soon. "Alright, alright. We won't leave him. Do you want me to stay the night here with you two? I can even leave the candlelight burning for the night so you'll have nothing to be afraid of."

"Mhm-hmm," Eve nodded, snuggling up to her father.

Nate placed the candlestick down on Wilfred's study desk and carried Eve to the two siblings' shared bed. He laid her down next to Wilfred and himself sat on her other side, keeping Eve in between her father and her brother. Before laying his head down, Nate gave a stern glance at Wilfred, admonishing him with his eyes alone. It was as if those eyes said, 'Look at how you treat your sister, your sister who despite all that still cares for your safety and won't let you be in any danger, imagined or not.'

They both knew that there was nothing there, that it was just an overactive imagination on Eve's part, but in that moment before Nate slammed open the door, Wilfred thought that he felt something touch his hair ever so slightly, though both of Eve's hands still clung tightly to him, and the windows were all tightly shut so it was definitely no wind's gentle caress.

Wilfred brushed it off as Eve's fright simply getting to him.

[spacecadetspe]

Sept. 29, 2023

W's birthday is coming up, and I decided to throw him a party. It was a last-minute decision, since I hadn't heard anything about what X was planning, but I managed to make arrangements quickly and fight a migraine to create and print two dozen invitations for W's classmates. Then I sent him off to his father's as usual. I thought I did well!

And then I got flack for it. X berated me for being "secretive" and not "coparenting," when all of this was simply last-minute. He told me they had been making plans of their own (I hadn't been told, but he said I had), and then told me he didn't feel like "crashing a party I had planned." On top of being petty and threatening to not come to his own son's birthday because I planned it, he then demanded that I bring W early on Sunday, sacrificing more of my time with him after having NO financial help this month at all.

Not only was I livid, I was conflicted. If I told him off, he'd come after me in the night again. I wasn't prepared to fight him off again, or weather a metaphysical beating and lack of sleep. If I consented, I would be letting him walk all over me, and I knew it. So I froze.

Fortitude told me to be laconic with X, one-word answers wherever I could manage, but I couldn't. I was just... done for the night.

Fortitude eventually lay down beside me, kissed me, tried to comfort me. We even had sex that night. It... wasn't the best we'd had, but that was hardly his fault. I just wasn't in the right mind space, and I was already hurting. Then, of course, he saw that it hadn't worked for me and despaired.

"I don't know what to do anymore," is his typical complaint. He gives everything; every ounce of his attention, his channeling (there was a point when he would channel for me 16 hours a day because I was in such an awful place emotionally), his affection, his being present for me and W... It's unhealthy. I love him, and I love what he gives, but... it's unhealthy. He breaks himself into pieces for me, and I hate it.

I don't want him carrying my burdens. I just want him to hold my hand.

"You promised you'd try," he said.

I felt something inside me crack. I sat up, and promptly broke down. "I'm TRYING!" I wailed. I'm pretty sure the neighbors could hear me. "I'm trying! I'm trying! I'm trying..." I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop screaming or sobbing or crying, louder than I'd ever done in as long as I can remember. I have never felt myself split in two like that.

I didn't sleep much Sunday night. Fortitude had given too much of his energy in our interaction, and I was restless. My eyes were puffy the next morning, but honestly I didn't feel much of anything. It was disconcerting, not having an inner voice, or even an understanding of my own preferences. That meant something big had happened.

I had split off from a major aspect, one who for now I will just call "Try." She was the one who structured all my stylistic preferences, my affections for certain fashions, my decision-making skills... all of it had collapsed. A massive, intricate, cathedral-like structure of all the things and concepts I cherished... turned into what amounts to orbeez in a fountain; very general ideas of what goes where (food in one tier, shelter in another, family in another), but virtually no underlying structure tying one idea to another.

And so here I've stayed for almost a week. At first, it was concerning that I didn't care anything about the clothes in my closet (except when I was cold) or the makeup on my counter. I don't care which hairstyle I use or which jewelry (none at all, today). I don't... have an inner voice all of a sudden, to tell me what I should like... or don't.

That being said, I also don't have the same understanding of what attaches me to physical things like clothes. I could go into my closet right now and probably toss out about 80% of my belongings with no emotional backlash.

I also had the clarity to decide what to do about X, now that I have no inner conflict. I invited him to the party (or should I say, W invited him). Fortitude disagreed with my choice, but I explained that if I was indeed going to have to coparent with that neanderthal, I was going to make him eat his fucking pride before I sacrificed a single minute of time with my son. And honestly, I'm okay with matching the petty energy. I'm sick to death of letting him bully me, when he contributes nothing to this. Unlike last year, when we went halvsies on W's party, X has not lifted a finger. So I feel pretty entitled to my decision.

In other news, I've fully made up with Phobetor, and have started doing the rounds again. He approached me last week, after the dreamlings died, to help me process. I was so out-of-sorts that I couldn't even focus on him; I thought he was Phantasos! Can you imagine? Two polar opposites; the goth middle child and the flamboyant younger child in a mixup! Poor Phobetor... I wonder if he could pull it off!

Meantimes, Morpheus has been working with the Hellkin on creating a serum derived from yew, of all things, to help process taint more efficiently. I wasn't sure how well that would go over; yew is incredibly toxic. But... I trust Morpheus' pharmacological expertise. He told me his uncle had blessed the tree, to be so poisonous. Sounds like the story of the jabillo tree and Xipe Totec. Obviously Morpheus had no idea who that is. That's funny all on its own.

I saw one of my friends when I was going about the rounds, as well. Enéa, a psychic who lived 2,500 years ago in what is now Saudi Arabia. He reminds me a lot of Adam Driver in his face and mannerisms. He's a sweet man (or perhaps the soul of a man), and when I told him my concerns he offered the solution that I should just give myself some time to be a little numb. Enjoy it, in fact! I stepped off the roller coaster at last. After some good advice (and some excellent wine and cuddles), I was off again to join the rounds.

I'll get through this. I always do. A little at a time, I'll rebuild.

[aromanticle]

on top of that i also have to admit that every single bad experience i've had this past year + few months with people were all really my fault

i literally cannot blame someone for not knowing they were making me uncomfortable and hurting me especially when i encouraged them so much

i had a very bad night yesterday at sagu's boyfriend's house and this night her other bf was here while i was putting on my makeup and he was like mostly joking around but instead of telling him to stop i was just. honestly straight up encouraging him to make me as uncomfortable as possible. not directly but i know he couldnt have possibly known i was feeling pretty awful. neither could the guy last night when i willingly went to his house and said "yes im staying the night" and gave zero signs that i actually wished i was anywhere but there, because deep inside that's not true and i wanted to make myself feel bad so much that instead of asking him to drive me home i stayed in his room sitting on the floor next to the outlet because i felt too uncomfortable and unsafe to sleep. if i actually didn't want to feel unsafe i wouldn't keep coming back to people who treat me badly and couldn't care less about me, i wouldnt have accepted marcus's proposal, i wouldnt keep making new meeff accounts and wandering away from my friends and trying so hard to make the shadiest looking guys in any given place notice me. no matter how you look at it im the only reason i keep having really bad experiences every other week.

except for this time, which i guess is what makes it so infinitely worse and scarier and more traumatizing and its why i have been cryiing in anger and disgust and shame and why the moment i walked into a safe place those memories were instantly blocked and repressed and maybe even entirely forgotten. ive been actively looking for awful things to happen to me and ive put so much effort into making myself as vulnerable and easy to hurt as possible to satisfy my own desires that i forgot how it feels to experience things i actually don't want as opposed to things that would be terrible in any other context except for this very specific one, where even though i feel awful, its the kind of awful that brings back a certain sense of comfort and possibly nostalgia.

this, somehow, makes the whole situation so much worse. to think that all this time i thought i was re-living my early childhood in a way that would help me get over it when in fact i was just suffering for no reason and now that i got to experience what it really was like back then i realize it is as absolutely devastating and horrifying as i thought. i should have known because it hasnt even been that long. in fact, sometimes i randomly feel really bad and immediately know why. i should have known my silly little attempts at making myself the victim of several different things do not feel the same as actually having something really bad happen for real. i guess i just thought i was over it and it didnt hurt me anymore but i only felt that way because i was intentionally putting myself through it. in conclusion im so stupid i regret everything i dont want to ever leave my house again im in pain i want to sleep i want to go back in time i want to have never been born but i also know none of this will stop me from going right back into doing everything i just said i regret

[ilongfor-the-arts]

My Friends Boyfriend

Pairing: Slash x fem! Reader

Warnings: angst, mild groping, getting interrupted, language, cheating, references to smut, grinding

Summary: You’ve always had a thing for your friends boyfriend, but little did you know, he always had a thing for you as well.

Word Count: 3.1k

Request?: No!

Taglist: @theweightofstardust

I found this gif from @helenia1234 tumblr page :)

I despised how well they looked together. I despised them from the moment I found out they were a couple. The way she'd look into his eyes with nothing but longing, or the way he gave her his top hat after the show, and it hung just below her eyes. She'd always laugh and peek out from under the brim. All of our friends, including myself, were always saying how they wished they had a relationship like them.

I wanted to despise her for it, but I couldn't. What's the point? It wasn't her fault at all. I'd been such a wimp and never told the man of my dreams I loved him. It was two years ago, when Guns N' Roses was just beginning to become a global phenomenon. I knew I had to tell him soon, before he was surrounded by women all the time.

But I couldn't do it. We were friends, really good friends. He was always at ease confiding in me about whatever was going on inside the band. I always trusted him with my deepest secrets. But I was plagued by a slew of doubts. As a result, I backed out and kept my feelings to myself. I never told anyone, because I knew she loved him as well. The last thing I wanted to do was jeopardize my two closest friendships.

It hurts to see them so happy together all the time, but I'm powerless to intervene. There is no way to make my pain go away. For both of their sakes, I just gritted my teeth and bore it.

“Hey, Y/N? Are you alive?!”

My friend shook my shoulder violently, jolting me out of my trance.

“Huh?”

I swiveled my head to the side in order to look her in the eyes. I blinked, bringing myself back to the present moment.

“Yeah… I’m alright.”

I forced a laugh while rubbing my face with my open hand. There was no way I could tell her I was zoning out, thinking about passionately kissing her boyfriend while he pinned me against the wall.

“I’m just a little tired I guess.”

My friend threw her arms around me and pulled me close to her chest. She snatched the blanket wrapped around my waist and pulled it up to my shoulders, the warmth radiating into my skin and providing a soothing sensation. I sighed deeply and let my eyes flutter closed, resting my head on my friend's shoulder.

“You can sleep if you want. Do you want me to wake you up after the movie is over so I can drive you home?… you’re also welcome to sleep over of course.”

She murmured against my scalp. In delight, I hummed.

“Yeah if you could wake me up that’d be great… I should get a good night's sleep tonight in my own bed.”

As I drifted in and out of consciousness, the movie played in the background, but it was just white noise to me. My body was heavy as it rested in my friend's comforting hands. Slash's voice reverberated off the walls, startling me awake, just as the sweet blissful sleep was about to consume me.

“I could drive her now if that would work better.”

My head shot up, my gaze fixed on Slash, who was lounging on the recliner, his head resting on a closed fist. I blinked a few times to adjust my eyes to the light in the room, because my entire world had been in darkness just moments before.

It wasn't unusual for all of us to hang out together; we were all good friends who appreciated each other's company. Although it was difficult to conceal my insane attraction to my friend's boyfriend, I managed to put it aside in order to spend quality time with my two best friends.

“She can stay babe… it’s really no big deal.”

Slash sat up straight, grabbing his black boots from the recliner's side and starting to lace them.

“Y/N’s right babe. We all need a good night’s sleep tonight.”

He stood, gripping the armrests with his hands as leverage.

“Besides, we gotta wake up early tomorrow and get on the tour bus.”

They always went on tour together, but I never joined them. I wouldn't go if they invited me. I didn't want to be their third wheel, and I had a life of my own here. Slash’s life was Guns N’ Roses, and her life was Slash. There was nothing to intervene with her undeniable infatuation with him.

“He’s right. You guys should go to bed.”

I tilted my head to meet my friend’s eyes and added my voice to the chorus, agreeing with Slash. My friend grinned and immediately caved in to his demands. She was hopelessly in love with him. He could ask her to do anything, and she'd agree with a big smile.

“Alright. Do you want me to come with you guys?”

I stood up, shimmied the blanket off of me, and folded it across the back of the couch. Slash leaned down and kissed her lips gently, his hand cupping her face. It took everything I had not to blush and stare intently at their simple acts of affection. Gosh, I wish that was me.

“It’s alright baby. You can stay here and relax.”

I caught a glimpse of them out of the corner of my eye, their faces inches apart. She pecked his nose with a smile.

“I will. I’ll miss you.”

Slash chuckled through a closed mouth.

“I’ll only be gone a few minutes baby.”

I clenched my teeth and tensed my muscles.

“I’ll still miss you.”

I caught their attention by clearing my throat loudly. They both turned their heads to face me, staring at me with an almost offended expression for ruining their moment.

“Get a room you guys.”

I made a lighthearted joke, and they both laughed in unison. Gosh, they were perfect, completely perfect. Slash's laugh revealed his perfect smile, which lit up the room whenever he entered. That smile, like everything else about him, made my knees weak and my face hot.

I slipped on my shoes as Slash snatched his car keys from the small wood table next to the front door. We bid our goodbyes and walked out into a surprisingly cold night.

Was it this cold when I came here?

I shivered as the wind chilled me to the bone.

“Are you cold?”

I wrapped my arms around myself and nodded vigorously. Slash slid his leather jacket off his arms and carefully placed it on my shoulders. My nose was filled with the aromas of leather and bitter alcohol. Most people would despise the odor, but I found it soothing. It smelled exactly like him. I wanted to nuzzle into it and pull it closer to my body, but I resisted because I didn't want to appear to be a girl with a huge crush.

“Thanks.”

With a smile, I said. Slash smiled back, tucking strands of his tousled curly hair behind his ears. Slash led me to his car and opened the door for me in an overly formal manner. I climbed into his car, clinging to the center console to hoist myself into the passenger seat. Once I was in position, I huffed out a sigh. Slash climbed into his car with relative ease, barely flexing a muscle.

“So… what time are you guys planning on leaving tomorrow?”

Slash drove down the black road, the soft hue of his headlights illuminating the street directly in front of us.

“I’m not sure. We need to leave pretty early though if we wanna get to our first destination on time.”

We were both tired and longing for the feel of our beds as we drove in silence. The constant vibrations rattled my skull as I rested my head on the window of Slash's car.I wished to lay my head on my soft pillow and fantasize about my friend's boyfriend. He looked sexy, one hand on the steering wheel, the other on his knee, his legs casually parted on the leather seat.

I swallowed thickly as I gazed at him through half lidded eyelids, pretending to be dozing off. He bopped his head and tapped his fingers to the beat of the song, completely engrossed by the road ahead.

Slash pulled up to my house, yanking the keys from the ignition.

“We’re here… wake up.”

He gently shook my shoulder, attempting to bring me to reality. I groaned and smirked slyly, my eyes firmly shut. Slash groaned in mock annoyance and walked over to the other side of the car to shake me out of my trance.

Although I was taken aback when he hoisted me off the seat, drew me into his chest, and carried me gingerly up to my house bridal style. My breath hitched in my throat as I instinctively gripped his shirt, my other arm wrapped around his leather jacket to keep it close to my body.

“Ah so you are awake.”

With a chuckle, he said. I gulped as I felt the strong beat of his heart through the thin fabric of his shirt.

“Yeah… I thought I made it obvious I was just fucking with you.”

I tried to hide the uneasy tone in my voice with a forced laugh. I'm hoping he didn't overthink it.

We were good friends, but Slash didn't like physical contact unless it was with a significant other, and I respected his boundaries. I'd only go so far as to lightly smack his shoulder or rustle his hair. I've never seen him initiate anything like this before.

When we got to the door, he gingerly placed me on my feet. I lifted the mat to reveal my spare key. When I unlocked the door, a wave of heat hit my face, obviating any need for Slash's jacket.

“You probably want this back.”

I shrugged it off of me, handing it back to him with two fingers.

“Oh… yeah, thanks.”

He snatched the jacket from my grasp, slinging his arms through the holes and tossing it around his broad shoulders.

“Well… goodbye. I’ll see you guys when you get-”

“Actually there’s something I wanted to talk to you about… that’s why I offered to drive you home.”

My mind began to race, wondering what on earth he wanted to talk to me about. Oh gosh, he must have noticed me staring at the happy couple earlier.

“Oh… sure, come in.”

I motioned my arm into the house, following Slash as he crossed the threshold.

I probably looked like such an idiot earlier. He definitely knew I was jealous.

No, that’s ridiculous. Who isn’t jealous of them? People make it known they envy Slash and my friend’s relationship. That can’t be it.

Then what is it?

I closed the door behind us, not bothering to lock it for the time being.

“What do you wanna talk to me ab-”

Slash pressed his lips aggressively against mine, slamming me into the door so hard that the frame rattled on its squeaky hinges. I gasped for air, but all I recieved was his tongue slipping into my mouth. It was hot and fiery and…

This was so fucked up.

I shoved him backwards by pressing my hands against his pecs. He toppled back, finally giving me a chance to take a breath of sweet air. Slash locked his gaze on me, waiting expectantly for my next words. I stared at him blankly, searching his eyes for any sign of what had just happened. He took command when he realized I was going to speak.

“Fuck I’m sorry that was wrong.”

He ran his hand over his face, pushing his hair out of the way so he could pinch the bridge of his nose.

“Do you like me?”

Slash looked at me through his bangs, dropping his hand to his side. I couldn’t believe it… this didn’t seem real.

“I fucking love you.”

I knew I'd wake up on his couch, my head on my friend's shoulder, the movie playing in the background. But I didn't want to wake up; I wanted to keep living this fantasy.

I collided with him, reconnecting our lips and throwing him off balance due to the shift in weight distribution. My arms were wrapped around his shoulders, and my feet were barely touching the ground. He grabbed the back of my thighs and lifted me off the ground with ease, my back slamming against the door.

“You said you’d be home in a few minutes.”

I murmured in between hot kisses.

“We’ll have to make it quick then.”

Slash inserted his tongue once more into my mouth, this time without hesitation; he wasn't holding back. He moved his hands to my ass, gripping it with his large hands. Through the thin fabric of my leggings, I could feel the calluses on his guitar fingers.

I huffed a sigh as he began to trail his soft lips from my jaw to my collarbone, sucking deep bruises into my skin. I wiggled my hips in his grasp, my clit lightly brushing against his jeans. I threw my head back against the door hard enough for it to rattle in its frame.

His lips felt even better than I had imagined. All those lonely nights I spent wishing he would just kiss me were worth it, for this moment.

“Slash.”

I pleaded, my hand tangling into his curls, eliciting a soft moan from the back of his throat as I giggle slightly on the roots.

“Yes baby?”

His voice was deep and raspy, and it echoed off my skin, sending shivers up and down my spine.

“Let’s go to the bedroom.”

I gasped as he attached his warm mouth to my clothed nipple. Thank god I hadn’t worn a bra.

“You want me to fuck you babydoll? Huh? Want me to fill you up with my sticky cum.”

I clenched my jaw, gulping audibly.

“Fuck yes you have no idea how long I’ve wanted that.”

My house was only one story, so carrying me from the front door to the bedroom was a breeze. The door slammed against the wall and shook on its hinges as he pushed it open.

He set me down on his lip, wasting no time as he gripped my hips, forcing me to move back and forth on the growing bulge in his jeans. The delicious friction against my clit caused me to throw my head back in pure pleasure.

It felt like ten thousand degrees in my bedroom.

I couldn’t believe I was about to fuck my best friend's boyfriend. I had fantasized about it in the late hours of the night, raking my nails down his back as he thrusted his thick cock in and out of my soaking wet pussy. The deafening sounds of sex filling our ears as we both reach our highs together.

Slash snaked his hand forward, moving my panties to the side to brush featherlight touches against my clit.

“Fuck… you’re dripping.”

Was that the sound of the door opening?

We both came to a halt, looking into each other's eyes with uneasiness.

Who was in my house?

“Hello?”

“SHIT!”

We both whispered in unison.

This was definitely a compromising position, me straddling her boyfriend's lap. My mind began to turn, thinking of how we could get out of this predicament.

“I’m going to the bathroom.”

I spoke quietly enough for him to hear. He vigorously nodded.

“Where are you guys?!”

“In here babe!”

I pushed off of him and dashed to the bathroom adjacent to my bedroom. I flushed the toilet to make it appear as if I had gone to the bathroom, and this was not a ruse to throw her off the trail.

Fortunately, we left the door slightly ajar so she didn't walk in on her friend and boyfriend acting strangely behind a locked bedroom door.

“Hey! What’s going on here?”

She asked it with an unknowing tone, so she didn't suspect anything. Thank god.

“Y/N just had some tour questions. Sorry if we got carried away talking! I didn’t even think to check the time!”

I turned on the faucet and submerged my hands in hot water, simulating the act of using the restroom. I even used soap, thinking that if I skipped a step, she'd notice and suspect I'd been passionately making out with her boyfriend just minutes before.

“Oh no it’s alright! Y/N just forgot her jacket and I thought I would run it over before we left tomorrow.”

That makes sense why I was so freezing on the way home.

I threw open the door, revealing Slash sitting on my bed and my friend standing, leaning against the bedroom door frame.

“Hey! What are you doing here?”

I faked my surprise.

“You left your jacket! I was just returning it!”

She extended her arm, holding my jean jacket. I snatched it from her grasp, folding it and placing it daintily next to Slash on my bed.

“Thanks. I definitely would’ve missed this while you guys were away.”

As I was folding my jacket, I caught a glimpse of Slash's pants in the bottom corner of my eye.

Thankfully, his pants weren’t that tight, so his growing erection wasn’t easily visible.

When I was finished, I turned my body to face my friend, my hands resting awkwardly at my sides.

“You guys should go… Slash was telling me you guys have to leave early tomorrow if you wanna make the first destination on time.”

My friend pursed her lips, nodding.

“Yeah. We probably should.”

Slash smacked his knees before standing and approaching my friend, snaking his hand around her waist and pulling her into his side. His movements no longer seemed to be filled with love. They were more clumsy and choppy. He finally revealed his secret, and now he wasn't sure how to deal with the one thing that was getting in the way of what he wanted most.

“Alright babe, let’s head out.”

He was eager to get out of there now that the excitement of the night had passed. He kissed her on the forehead, and she nuzzled closer to him in response.

“Alright. Bye Y/N!”

She gave me a tiny wave, which I returned.

“Bye! Thanks for dropping off my jacket!”

Slash's gaze passed over mine, a knowing look on his face. I wasn't sure what to make of his stare. I'd like to think it meant that this wasn't the end, and that we'd continue our shenanigans at a more convenient time.

I smiled.

“Bye Slash. Have fun on tour.”

“Bye Y/N. See you later.”

See you later.

I knew what would happen later.

I stared at the ceiling, replaying the events of the night in my head as I tossed and turned in bed.

I didn't need any persuasion.

I nearly despised myself for it. That was my best friend's boyfriend, and all I needed to hear was him say, "I fucking love you” before I was ready to take what wasn’t mine.

Whatever, I thought as I slowly began drifting to sleep.

He loves me, I love him, and that’s all that matters.