#Like I genuinely could not will myself to do anything today except eat.

[iero]

To go along with that last post, I really think that the sun setting sooner is really fucking up my mental state and my capability to, like, do anything. Like, the sun sets at, like, 5 PM now and my mind automatically is like, “Well, day is over. Time to go to bed.” because it’s dark out and if I didn’t do anything before that time, I mentally beat myself up over being ‘unproductive’ and ‘lazy.’ I hate it. 

[ariaxmu]

angel.

tom riddle x reader

summary: you get sick, tom freaks out and then you realize his feelings for you :3. i have kind of gotten rid of the element of evil with tom here, he is blunt and a little quiet but is sweet. oh and he calls you angel.

warnings: little kisses, flirting, tension.

walking into potions, i try to act as if i am fine. except my disheveled appearance might give that away. my head throbbing in pain, my throat dry, sore and voice croaky, nose sniffly. i feel so, so warm. it's rare i get sick, so when i do it hits me hard. but i cannot miss these classes, exams coming around quickly and i can't afford to miss out.

i sit down next to my potions partner and one of my best friends, tom, smiling softly at him as i do. ''hi tom'' i croak out a whisper, coughing a little to cover up the loss of voice i'm working with.

he furrows his eyebrows, ''hey angel, you look sick. are you sick?'' he asks.

''uh- a little, yeah. but i'm okay'' i say softly, opening up my books.

''why did you come to class? you should have told me you were sick.'' he sighs, seemingly a little frustrated. i frown.

''sorry- i can move seats today if you're worried i'll get you sick-''

''don't be ridiculous. i meant it as i could have taken care of you'' he mutters, side eyeing our friends behind us to make sure they didn't hear him.

''i won't burden you with that. besides, i am fine. and i cannot afford to miss out on any classes. especially this one.'' i mumble, feeling a tickly creep up in my throat as i start up on my little coughing fit.

''miss y/l/n? are you feeling well?'' i hear professor slughorn call out to me as he walks into class. i groan internally.

''i'm okay, professo-'' cough, cough, cough.

''oh miss y/l/n, please do go see madam pomfrey. she will have potions which will clear that up within the hour.'' he nods his head. ''besides, we don't need the entire class getting sick do we?'' he says kindly enough, and his concern was genuine, but i could have thrown my book at him.

''okay, sir'' i sigh, sad. i'm already failing this class, this is the worst thing that would have happened.

''don't worry angel, just go get some rest.'' tom says, brushing a piece of my hair away from my sweaty forehead. i pout, grabbing my books as i stand up to leave the classroom. i sulk to myself as i make my way to madam pomfrey. not only am i missing the class, but as i higher year potions is now a double class, meaning it lasts for three. hours. and that is the only class i have where i get to sit close to tom for that amount of time.

i've been close friends with tom for a good few years now, us getting a lot closer over the years. everybody says, 'it's so obvious how crazy you are about each other!', but i strongly believe it is only obvious that i am crazy about him.

the feelings started to grow the more we grew. he's always been slightly more kind to me than he is to others. he's strict with me, sure, a little over protective. but i'm sure he just sees me as a sister more than anything else. as much as it hurts.

madam pomfrey gives me around three potions, she told me they would make me feel drowsy so it's best to take a nap and when i wake up i should feel a little better. as long as the headache is better, i'll be happy. so i head up to my dorm for a much needed nap.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧

i yawn opening my eyes, rolling over to check the clock. 6pm? i widen my eyes, body shooting up out of bed. i slept all. day?!

so not only did i miss potions, i would have also missed herbology, defense against the dark arts AND transfiguration? i feel tears prick at my eyes, feeling frustrated with myself for not waking up to the alarm i had set. wiping my tears away, annoyed with myself, i at least should go and eat some dinner, and i do feel a lot better.

i get re- dressed, brushing my hair and putting a little makeup on so i don't look completely like a zombie, i head down to the great hall for dinner.

''there she is, sleeping beauty'' pansy grins, as i rush to sit down beside them.

''i'm so annoyed with myself, i slept through my alarm and missed all four of my double classes today. i am screwed.'' i sigh, eyes a little watery from just pure stress and frustration.

''well it appears lover boy has a little surprise for you'' pansy smirks, nodding her head at tom, who is glaring at her from the nickname.

i glance over at him, and he's holding a bunch of books and papers. i furrow my eyebrows, ''what is that?''.

''well when you left potions i took notes for you about well, everything we went over in the class. and then i came to check on you, and you were still asleep, so i just took notes for every class on everything we went over today.'' he says gently, a little red glowing on his cheeks as everybody watches with cheeky grins.

''oh- tom, you didn't have to do all of that. it must've taken so long'' i say, heart swelling with love as i stare at him.

''eh, didn't take that long.'' he shrugs, passing my the notes as he scoots a little closer to me.

''except he kept asking the professors to repeat everything so he could make sure he got it right, and he even highlighted the key words because he knows you read it easier that way, an-''

''okay, enough'' tom snaps at her, groaning, before turning to me. ''but if you need any help, i can help you''.

''thank you tom'' i say nervously, smiling with a soft blush.

pansy smirks at me, mouthing 'he likes you!' with a grin. okay, i can see why she thinks this. but... he could be doing this for me as a good friend too, right? i certainly would do this for one of my friends, leaving me stumped.

''eat this, it'll help you feel even better, especially with the three potions you had.'' tom mumbles, passing me some food over.

''w- how do you know i had three?'' i furrow my eyebrows.

''i went to madam pomfrey to see if she gave you the right stuff, and if it was safe to take them.'' he shrugs, so nonchalantly as he munches on his food.

my god. i'm utterly in love.

''i'm going to the bathroom. i'll be back in a second, angel'' he says to me, standing up and walking out.

i watch him wide eyed as he leaves, my love growing even more than it was before, which i didn't deem possible. i glance at pansy,

''you need to make a move on him, i swear. he won't tell you how he feels because he is too stubborn. he will just keep doing cute things and flirting with you until you lose your mind.'' she says quickly. i nod at her, taking a bite of my food waiting for him to come back. i brainstorm for a moment, thinking of how to get us sneakily in a romantic situation so i can tell him how i feel.

he comes back, sitting directly beside me again. i turn my head over to him, smiling softly. ''uhm, tom?'' i whisper, so nobody else can hear me.

''yes, angel?'' he says, sipping some of his water.

''do you- um, do you want to help me study these notes tonight?'' i say softly.

''of course. we were all planning on going to the library after dinner, anyway''. he nods.

i hum, ''i was thinking more.. just us two? i know you're on prefect duties tonight so... maybe we could go there when everybody else is in bed?'' i say, cheeks bright pink.

''oh.'' he says, looking at me a little shocked, he must realize i'm essentially asking him on a study date. nerves fuel my entire body as this answer kind of entails whether he maybe likes me back or not.

he tilts his head to the side, ''you're asking me to break the rules?'' with a small smirk. heat floods my face, i stutter a little, not knowing what to say. ''you're cute. i'll meet you there at 10.'' he says bluntly as i nod, fiddling with my fingers.

''okay. awesome, cool, okay,'' i nod, trying to calm myself down as i continue to eat. if that part made me so nervous, how on earth am i going to tell him how i feel, or to make a move? i gulp down my food, trying to calm myself down more.

he smirks at me once more, ''i'll see u later, angel'' he says, before standing up and leaving the great hall.

im screwed.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧

“cmon, we’ve almost finished all of the notes. you can finish these last few.” he says softly as i begin to yawn.

“fine” i breathe out, very sleepily but happy to be here with him. it’s now around midnight, and we’re tucked away into a cosy corner of the library, him helping me study.

somehow over the last two hours he has made his way suuuper close to me, his chair practically pressed against mine, his thigh rubbing the side of mine. very close.

it feels, romantic. i know what we are doing isn’t, but being here with him just feels like perfection. the moonlight shining in on his face, he’s letting his guard down more and more. smiling more, able to laugh and have flirty teasing with me. i just adore it.

“so you missed only a couple things today in herbology- you are amazing at this so, i only jotted down things i didn’t think you knew. did you know-” he mutters along, but stops talking when the notices my gaze on him. “what?” he says, cheeks flushed.

“o-oh! nothing” i gulp.

“you were staring?” he says, smirking a tiny bit.

“no i wasn’t.”

“oh yes you were, angel.” he says, leaning back on his chair, hands resting on his stomach. his muscles flexing ever so slightly, the plain black shirt accentuating them. his hair a little messy, cheeks flushed and lips wet from drinking water. god, he just looks so good.

“~and you’re staring again.” he teased.

“shuttup” i blush, looking away.

“hey. no, keep your eyes on me pretty girl” he mumbles, grabbing my chin with his finger s

“w-what?” i whisper out, confused.

“you heard me.” he whispers back.

i look at him for a moment, the tension growing between us as my face warms up. ''i need to tell you something'' i blurt out.

he raises an eyebrow, putting the book down and turning to me. ''go ahead, angel.''

''u-uh'' i start, taking a deep breath. ''i like you, tom'' i whisper.

''i know.''

''you- you know?'' i say, confused.

''obviously.''

''do you.. do you like me back?'' i furrow my eyebrows.

''yes. i thought you knew?'' he says, genuinely puzzled.

''w- how would i know that?'' i exclaim.

''because i make it really obvious?'' he says, scooching his chair closer to mine. ''who else would i have taken double notes for all day and then break the schools rules to study with until 1am?'' he smirks softly.

my face is burning.

''so- this whole time you knew i liked you and you liked me. why didn't you say anything?'' i furrow my brows, looking into his pretty eyes.

''i don't know... i guess i never thought i was good enough for you.'' he mumbles, shrugging nonchalantly as he if he didn't just say the most gut wrenching thing ever.

''you- are you serious? i'm not good enough for you.'' i say, scooting closer to him. ''i thought you saw me as a sister or something'' i shrug.

''trust me, the feelings i have for you are anything but that'' he murmurs, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. my cheeks go rosy pink as he does. ''i'm crazy about you'' he whispers.

''i'm crazy about you'' i grin, he brushes his thumb against my cheek.

our eyes met, and in that silent exchange, a thousand unspoken words passed between us. tom's gaze was tender, full of admiration, while my eyes sparkled with a mix of shyness and anticipation. the world around us faded into a blur as we leaned in.

our lips touched softly at first, a gentle meeting that was both hesitant and electric. it was as if the kiss was a delicate dance, each movement a step closer to something profound and beautiful. the warmth of our embrace enveloped us, and for that brief moment, everything else disappeared.

his lips are so, so soft and comforting. i could kiss him for a lifetime.

when we finally pulled away, our foreheads rested against each other. the kiss had been more than just a touch; it was a promise.

''god, i love you'' he whispers.

''i love you.''

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧

[mattitties]

Boyfriend, pt 3 - matt sturniolo

smutty smut smut!

part 1 part 2

“How was the date?” my roommate asks as I go into her room.

All I can do is smile. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy in my life. “I love him,” I say.

She rolls her eyes. “Oh jesus. Okay, come sit, tell me everything.” 

I sit on her bed and recount the whole night, from him picking me up at the door, to listening to Taylor Swift with me, to me never feeling a moment of awkwardness, and finally, to him kissing me outside the apartment. “Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a boyfriend so any ounce of actual romantic attention is a dream come true but I genuinely think he’s perfect for me,” I tell her.

“He does sound pretty perfect for you…”

“See!”

“But slow ya roll! Take it easy, just don’t rush into anything.” I nod in agreement. I know that there’s still so much to learn about him, but I just feel like I already trust him with my life. It takes me a long time to feel truly comfortable with anyone, but there’s just something about him that makes me feel like I’ve known him forever.

I wake up the next morning later than usual, and to my surprise, I already have a text from him. 

Good morning! I had a lot of fun last night :) 

I’m about to respond when another text comes through.

Would u wanna grab lunch today? I can pick u up again

I smile to myself and start typing.

good morning!! i had fun too, and i would love to get lunch! what time?

I can get you around 2?

sounds good see you then 😁

I look at the time and panic when I see it’s already 12:30. How the fuck did I sleep so late? I get ready and before I know it, it’s 1:55 and he’s texted me that he’s here. I have to applaud his punctuality, it’s hot as fuck knowing that he actually cares enough to be somewhere on time. God, I really need to raise my standards.

I head downstairs and he’s in the same spot by the door, smiling shyly when he sees me. His fashion sense is immaculate: today he’s wearing black cargo jeans, a black T-shirt, and a white long sleeve underneath. I’m disappointed that he’s not showing off his sleeve of tattoos like last night, but I still can’t stop staring at him. 

“Hi,” he smiles, giving me a hug. He smells good, like warm vanilla, and his hug is the most comforting thing in the world at this moment. 

“How’ve you been in the last… 12 hours since I saw you?” I ask as we head to the car.

“Oh you know, just been sitting at home twiddling my thumbs until I could see you again. We’re at a three day streak now!” he tells me as he opens the door for me. 

I laugh and can’t take my eyes off of him as he makes his way to the driver’s side. “Why’d you wear a long sleeve today? I miss your tattoos,” I fake pout and play with his sleeve.

“Ohhh, you can see those whenever you want, don’t you worry.” 

God, he makes me fucking crazy. We start driving, talking about mindless things, and end up at a little diner not too far from my apartment.

“My brothers and I go here all the time, their food is so good,” he tells me as we go inside.

Once we’re seated and have ordered our food, our conversation flows just the same as it did last night, except today we’re talking about stuff that it usually takes me at least a few weeks of knowing someone before I share about. I tell him about my family, he tells me about his and how he’s never been away from his brothers for more than 24 hours, while I tell him that my brothers and I are more like acquaintances and I only ever talk to them about surface level stuff. 

“I couldn’t imagine,” he says. “Nick and Chris are like my safety nets. To be honest, tonight and today are the first time I’ve actually gone out to a restaurant without at least one of them in like… 3 years.”

“Really? I actually don’t mind doing stuff alone. I know people hate going out to eat by themselves, but I think I just grew up so independent that I’m comfortable with it. Like, my favorite thing ever is going to the movies, but if I don’t have anyone to go with I’ll just go by myself. I find it peaceful,” I tell him. 

“I love going to the movies too, but I could never go by myself. That sounds fucking terrifying,” he says, laughing a bit as he talks. 

“I get it,” I say. “Well, would you ever want to go to a movie together? It’s not alone and we both like it, so…”

He smiles. “I would love to. But if you talk in there, I’m out. We’re done. No movie talkers in my presence.”

I shake my head very seriously. “Oh no, absolutely not. Trust me, you won’t hear a peep.”

By the time we finish lunch, it’s only 3:45, and neither of us are ready to go home yet. 

He turns to me when we get in the car. “What do you think about that movie right now? I have nothing else going on the rest of the day.”

We arrive at the theater and just pick a movie at random. Neither of us have any real interest in seeing any of the ones they’re showing, but it gives us something to do together. We’re pleasantly surprised when we walk into an empty theater, so we take our seats and make fun of the trailers until the movie starts. 

About 30 minutes in, I realize that I have no idea what’s happening in the movie. I’ve been glancing at Matt the whole time, trying to pretend like I don’t see him glancing at me too. I can tell that he wants to hold my hand, wrap his arm around me, just touch me in some way, and I want to just scream at him to do something. It’s all I can think about. I shift up a little in my seat and look at him slightly. He looks at me. Without saying a word, we both know what the other wants.

He takes my cheek softly in his hand and kisses me. I immediately fall into it, our lips moving together effortlessly, our tongues colliding. But I want more. I need more. 

“Matt,” I say between kisses. “Can we go back to my place?”

“But the movie isn’t over yet,” he breathes into my mouth.

I pull back slightly and look at him with the same eyes I gave him two nights ago. “Matt. My place. Please?”

His eyes widen. “Oh. Oh.” 

I nod and giggle as he grabs my hand and rushes me out of there and back to his car like his life depends on it. Luckily the movie theater is about 5 minutes away from my apartment, and even more luckily my roommate is at work. The tension in the car ride home and in the elevator is so thick I can hardly breathe. As soon as we open the door to my room, his hands are all over me. We’re kissing messier than before; our teeth are clashing, our tongues fighting one another. He walks us towards my bed, dipping his head so his mouth reaches my neck as he begins to kiss, nip, and suck. 

“Matt,” I whine.

“Hmmm,” he hums in response, sucking a spot right under my ear. I begin to play with the bottom of his shirt, signaling that I want it off. He smirks and unlatches himself from my neck just long enough to pull it off his body before going back to what he was doing.

“God you’re so hot,” I half whisper as my hands run down from his chest to his happy trail. I grab his face in my hands and kiss him hard, then sit down on the bed and look up at him. 

“What do you wanna do?” he teases, knowing exactly what I want. I pull my shirt off, leaving me in a black lace bra, and begin to undo his jeans as he stares down at me. 

“Is this okay?” I ask, pulling his zipper down painfully slow.

“Mhm. Yeah, no it’s, um, it’s good,” he says, clearly flustered by what’s happening. And I can’t get enough.

I pull his jeans down and almost drool over his black briefs. I look up at him again for a moment, then palm over his bulge, earning a low groan from him.

“Fuck,” he mumbles as I tear his briefs down as well, and I need to control my face when I see his dick.

It’s not huge, probably about 6 inches, but it’s genuinely perfect. I never thought I’d say that about a dick, but no, it is perfect. 

He inhales sharply as I wrap my hand around the tip and begin to work him, my thumb running over his slit every so often. I spit directly down on him as my hand moves down his shaft, and he groans again, pulling my hair into a loose ponytail. 

That’s my signal to wrap my lips around him and suck.

“Ohhhh, fuck,” he says, closing his eyes and tilting his head back for a moment before looking back down at me. My mouth takes him deeper and deeper with each suck, and his hips begin to buck toward me. 

He didn’t strike me as someone who would be very vocal during sex, but he’s consistently groaning and letting out soft curses.

After just a minute or two of this, he pulls my head off of him. 

“Lay down before I cum in your mouth,” he tells me as I move myself back towards the head of the bed and sit back on my elbows. He crawls over me, kissing my neck, chest, and stomach. “This is all I’ve been thinking about for the past 2 days. Can I take this off?” he asks, referring to my bra.

I nod. 

“Words, baby.”

“Please take it off,” I whine. He undoes the clasp and tosses it aside, taking a moment to stare before dipping his head back down and starting to suck on my left nipple. 

My breathing picks up as he starts to kiss lower and lower, not breaking eye contact when he removes my skirt and underwear at the same time.

He stares down at my dripping pussy, and although I’m extremely turned on and want nothing more than to fuck him right now, I’m reluctant to open my legs as the reality sets in of what’s happening.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, looking up at me with concern in his eyes.

“I just… haven’t done this in a while. I think I’m nervous,” I tell him quietly.

“I’ve got you, I swear. And if you wanna stop just tell me, okay?”

I nod. I can tell he’s being genuine; he’s not just telling me what I want to hear so he can fuck me. He really cares.

I watch as he opens my legs and hooks them over his shoulders. “You’re drippin for me, huh?” he asks, kissing my inner thighs.

“Mhm. I’ve wanted you so bad,” I barely even have time to finish my sentence before he’s putting his tongue inside my pussy. I gasp and grab his hair, my back arching which only makes him go deeper.

He moans repeatedly as he tongue fucks me, sending vibrations through my core. I’m a moaning mess, my heels are digging into his back, and it only gets worse as he brings his thumb to my clit and starts circling lightly. 

“Matt,” I’m on the verge of tears. “Fuck, don’t stop, please, oh my god— “

My orgasm rips through me with no warning, and I’m cumming on his tongue. He doesn’t give me any time to come down before he’s leaning over me, pushing my legs up so my knees are by my face. 

“Do you have condoms?” he asks, pushing my hair back.

I shake my head. “I’m on birth control. I’m clean, obviously.”

“So am I,” he says, running his leaking tip over my clit. 

I almost scream, I’m so sensitive. He looks so fucking good leaning over me. I grip his arm as he pushes into me. There’s a moment of pain as he fills me up, but it quickly turns to pleasure when he starts thrusting into me.

“Is this okay?” he asks, noticing my face and the tight grip I have on his arm.

“Yeah, just hurt for a second, but please keep going,” I breathe, pulling his head down for another kiss.

His thrusts get harder and faster with each passing minute. He fills me so perfectly, I never want this to end. I feel the coil tighten in my stomach yet again, and my moans get louder and needier.

“You gonna cum for me baby?” he taunts.

Baby. I clench around him and nod. “Uh huh.”

“Ohhh, good girl, keep squeezing my cock like that,” he groans. His thrusts are getting erratic, and his dick begins to twitch inside of me.

I chant his name like it’s the only word I know how to say as another orgasm hits me, and I’m squeezing him hard.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, ohhhhh fuck,” he groans as his own orgasm hits him, and I feel him release inside of me, his head collapsing into my neck.

We stay just like that for a few moments, him inside of me, us both half dead and breathing heavy, before he pulls out, picks me up bridal style, and sets me on the toilet.

“It’s peepee time!” he says excitedly while clapping his hands softly, causing me to crack up.

“You just fucked me and came inside of me and now you’re saying ‘it’s peepee time’? You’re such a freak,” I tell him.

After I finish, we take a quick shower to clean up, and I get unreasonably sad as he starts to get dressed.

I walk him to my front door and he kisses me again. “Let me know your work schedule this week. We’re going out again.”

“Okay, I will,” I smile and nod as I watch him leave.

I’m definitely falling for this guy. 

-----------------------------------------------

this was ridiculously long. i did not intend for that to happen. i really have no intentions of making this a full length series because i have other stories i wanna do and i have a few requests sitting in my inbox, so as the author i am telling you that they lived happily ever after yayyyyy

[mitsukitsume]

I saw this idea from anonymous confession and wanted to write it out myself. I hope it did it well because English isn't my first language and I don't know how to write that good!.

Pov: He won't let you go.

TW!:  Toxic Isaac Au. Dark themes, suggestive content and toxic possessive Isaac. 

Living with Isaac had been one of your most comfortable and best years of your life. You did not have to worry about anything. Your previous life was the complete opposite. Switching between one problem to another. You could never find yourself at peace. Having faced abuse from a young age even made your love life difficult. You couldn't afford to pay for college either so you had to work minimal pay jobs which barely got you by. You were always left wondering if you'd even be able to eat today.

But all that had changed ever since you met him. Your prince charming saving you from distress. At first you were, obviously unclear of his intentions and were somewhat afraid of him but you realised soon enough that he genuinely wanted to help you. All your life, you had been made feel utterly useless and pathetic. Isaac changed that. He gave you a purpose, strength, courage , a new will to live and enjoy life to the fullest. You wanted the same for him. You wanted him to see more than his work and live life...with you as a team. You wanted him to be free of his past trauma and insecurity. Isaac couldn't resist and fell for you eventually. He softened towards you and you were beyond happy to find a life partner that treated you so well and make sure you were comfortable in every way. It almost all felt like a dream.

But it was not. 

There was always one problem. Going outside. You had always encouraged him to let go of his past and live life without being bound to the chains of his trauma. You understood why he was the way he was. You knew how much of a effect that one event had on his life. You sympathised with him but after all you were also human that craved to be free. You hadn't step a foot outside since his parents anniversary and that was only in the garden too. Whenever you tried to talk with him he'd turn the topic down. You were given everything except freedom. 

Isaac had just returned from Vic's funeral. You two were again having that same talk.

"I'd be happy to keep you locked up in here if that's what it takes."

What? Did you actually hear him right? You knew Isaac was possessive over you but you had no idea it was this much. You were taken a back by his words but quickly gained your composure.

"Isaac, you can't keep me here forever! I want to live a life too.. I know I said I wanted it to be with you but that meant being free together from our past!"

Why couldn't you just understand? It was dangerous for you to be out there. You needed him to protect you. You couldn't live without him. He had already seen proof of that. He won't let you ever slip out his hands again. He had lost everyone in his life but not you...no no no..Only death could separate you two. 

"You are free to do whatever you want pickle. Just not outside."

He said with a serious expression. Isaac was not budging when it came to let you go.

"What's the point of that!? You said we can be free and go outside... together...Isaac I feel like a prisoner here..this can't go on forever."

You told him while slightly raising your  voice at him.

He let out a big sigh before begining to speak again.

"For the last time, we will when the time is right. I can never be too sure. You know how dangerous my work is, yo-.....we..are never safe. I want to keep you protected here"

"I don't need your protection!"

You yelled.

In return , he let out a bitter chuckle. One that was clearly mocking you.

"Don't need my protection? You'd be...dead...if it wasn't for me. I saved you...and I will protect you. You need to admit to yourself that you... can't ever survive on your own." 

You heart ached upon hearing his words thrown against you. All this time...you thought Isaac thought of you as a strong person with courage and determination...but to him you were just a stupid damsel he saved...He thought of you as someone who couldn't survive on their own. He thought you needed him. The worst part of it all.....He wasn't lying.

You knew what the truth was but couldn't never bring yourself to admit it. You always tried to make yourself believe you could live without Isaac. But now hearing the same words you keep pushing away brought tears to your eyes. How could he ever?

"S-So...is..that seriously all you think of me...?

"A fool who can't look after themself!?!"

Tears were starting to blur your vision. It became hard for you to say anything as the lump in your throat became heavier and heavier. 

Isaac again let out a mocking scoff to your exclamation.

"I don't I need to remind you do I? How easy was your life when you were "protecting" yourself? I don't understand possibly why you'd find a reason to leave. I give you everything here..."

"Except freedom that is!"

"You don't NEED freedom! I have given you everything here! There is nothing for you OUTSIDE! My god! Why don't you just understand? It's dangerous! You can't be left alone on your own. You are never safe unless you are here with me. You are NOT  going outside and that's my final word."

You were standing there like a fool with tears in your eyes and pain in your heart. You were more disheartened by Isaac's words than angry. Just as you were about to run to your room, you felt Isaac grab your shoulders to keep a firm but not painful grip on them. You looked up at him with still teary eyes. 

Isaac's heart ached at the sight of tears in his love's eyes. He never wanted to hurt you. He's just trying to protect you! 

"I...I..am..sorry.. listen...I shouldn't have yelled like that...I just wanted you to understand..."

And with that Isaac pulled you into his arms and wrapped his arms around you in a protective embrace. You hesitantly leaned into his touch. He rubbed his hand up and down your back in a soothing manner. You felt your heart rate start to slow down. Even though you were mad at him, you couldn't deny the effect he had on you. Whenever you felt anxious. He was like a drug that calmed you down instantly. Once Isaac felt your calm, he gently pulled you to look into your eyes, your face was stained with a few tears. He leaned down and kissed your lips to which you kissed him back. He looked up again and looked straight into your eyes.

"Don't ever ask to go outside again."

His expression had completely changed. His face darkened with...anger? You couldn't even tell and for the first time in a while,

You were afraid of him...

A few days pass since that, things weren't really he same. You just saw Isaac in a different light . You still loved him to death and would do anything for him, but it was just

... different now. For him, it was still the same. Everything seemed to be okay for him. He knew how you felt and tried his best to make it as comfortable for you as possible.  Weather it be by spending loads of time with you or piling gifts for you. 

It was 7 pm currently. You were washing the dishes after dinner. The sun was just about to set and you looked outside through the glass window to see the beautiful canvas nature had painted. A smile crept to your lips as you saw the scene before you. You finished up your dishes and just as you were about to go, you thought of Isaac. For the past few days, you haven't been the best to him. Giving him the cold shoulder. You made your way into his study. He was there seemingly lost in thought with his work. You smiled and hugged him from behind. He felt your warm embrace and turned his chair around to see you. He smiled up at you. You couldn't help yourself but plant a kiss to his stupidly handsome face. You were suprised he never considered being a model. 

"And how can I serve you today...?"

You chuckled at his attempts of trying to sound formal.

"Hmm...I demand cuddles in my room at 7:20 sharp."

"Sorry...we might have to make a compromise...how about....7:50? I still some work to finish up. I'll be right there okay?"

You nodded and have him a final peck on the lips before leaving and making your way to your own bed. You laid down and made your self comfortable. The curtains were open and the sun had already set. The atmosphere in the room was... calm and relaxing. The light was off and the only source of light was from the window that had faint light from the dark blue sky. You passed some time on your phone until you heard footsteps coming towards your direction. You sat up and waited for the door to open and see Isaac come in. Isaac came in the room with a tired look. You smiled and opened your arms gesturing for to lay down with you. He smiled back and made himself comfortable between your arms.

"Are you tired..?"

You asked him while running your fingers through his silky hair.

"Mhmm..."

You further laid down in the bed and Isaac started to spoon you in his arms. He buried his face in the crook of your neck and planted soft kisses. You wrapped an arm around his shoulder and one in his hair. Isaac made his way down and kissed the sensitive spot right beneath your ear making you let out soft moans. He pulled his head up from his neck and kissed your lips. You reciprocated the kiss and pulled him a bit more closer. He pushed his tongue against your lips seemingly asking for entrance and deepend the kiss. You hadn't gotten any time to be close with Isaac for the past few days so you were both now enjoying this intimate moment to the fullest. You were both lost in the moment until you pulled back to catch your breath. Isaac grabbed the nearby blanket and pulled it over you two...

                                   🕘

The clock had just struck 9 pm. Isaac was fast asleep in your arms. You had just woken up still feeling sore from the previous events. 

Isaac was sleeping beside you. You must have rolled out his arms. You get up to drink a glass of water and fix yourself in mirror. Your mouth felt very dry so you made your way to the kitchen to eat something. It was a comfort knowing you could eat anything, anytime now.

As you were preparing to make something quietly so Isaac doesn't wake up, you noticed the front door and an idea came to your mind...

"Should I go outside?" 

Not too far or anything...just a walk outside...in the garden..just to feel the fresh air...you were tired of seeing the beautiful moon through the glass only. You wanted to see the stars and moon with a clear view...

Isaac is sleeping...he wouldn't know if you just slipped outside for a bit...right?

You took a peak in your shared room with Isaac, he was was fast asleep. You went up to him to make sure and he was sleeping peacefully. You walked back to the living room. You could feel your heart thumping. The front door has a code that you often saw Isaac put in, you had memorized it. You quickly typed in "6250" . It didn't work. You thought you had made a mistake. Again you typed it in carefully. It did not work. For the last time you typed in 6259. And that was wrong as well. You sighed but then your heart dropped as the house started to ring extremely loud like an emergency alarm. It was so loud. Isaac immediately woke up and ran towards the living room where he saw you standing there frozen in shock.

"What's wrong!?" 

He asked in a hurry. 

"I-I...just tried..to..o-open the front d-door.."

Isaac sighed in relief and dialed in a code to turn off the alarm. It had startled you to your core. But what came after was more intimidating. You were now standing Infront of Isaac unable to meet his gaze. 

"What.were.you.doing?"

".... trying to go in the garden..."

"At this time!? And why on earth would you go there in the first place?"

"BECAUSE!...I want to go outside! I am tired of staying indoors! I need fresh air! This is unbelievable Isaac!" 

"Oh my god...why dont you just...! We've already had this talk and I am not having it again with you."

"Yes you are! This can't go on forever! I won't let you control me!"

"Oh? And how are you going to stop me? Please enlighten me."

"I...I am going to leave the house!"

"And how would you do that..? And even if you did..you'd have no chance but to come back to me.."

"If....if...you don't let me leave...I'll...c-call...s-someone...t-the...c-cops.....or anything!" 

He laughed bitterly at your exclamation. Did you seriously not know who you were dealing with..?

"Go on....you have my full permission to. There's nothing they can do...and there's nothing you can do..if I let you go...where the hell would you even go...hmm? Back on the streets? I can take away every penny from your account...and there's nothing you can do. There is no official document..or any contract that says you work for me. You have no home, no one , no money, no education, just me. Someone who wants to keep you safe and cherish you...but you just don't understand that don't you...?"

You were silent or more so silenced. As much as it hurts to admit...he was right. There was nothing you could do. You were now forever dependent on him unless you try to make a career of your own but you know how that ends up. Again, tears started to swell up in your eyes as you realized the gravity of the situation. You felt like the same little child years ago standing Infront their parents feeling helpless and hopeless...

Isaac wiped the tear that escaped from your eyes. You just didn't know how to react...weather to push him away or lean into him. A million things were going into your mind right now. 

" There's no need to cry...that's the last thing I want pickle..."

He didn't understand why it was such a big deal for you. You were getting everything here so why outside? The more you wanted to go outside...the more he wanted to keep you with him. It had to be that way. He can't and won't lose you. Isaac hesitatently opened his arms to hug you. He pulled you into his arms and ran his hand up and down your back to sooth you.

"Please ..calm down.. try to understand...I just want to protect you.."

Isaac said to you although it seemed like he was reassuring himself more than he was reassuring you. You didn't push him away or protest. For some reason, even this man treated you like a pet or value able to keep rather than a human, you still loved him. You just couldn't help yourself. No matter what happens you always found yourself wanting to be in his arms. Being treated so harshly by other people all your life had left a big negative impact on you. The way others pushed you away but he held you closer...the way they used you and discarded you...while he was always there. You loved him despite it all. Maybe Isaac was initially right...maybe you do in fact have Stockholm syndrome. You didn't want to leave Isaac but also didn't want to continue life as it was. But going but your old life was nothing less than a nightmare. You held onto him a bit tighter. He carried you back to bed and you fell asleep still tired from the events that had just occurred.

This was your new life now. And you just have to accept it. No matter what.

[obetrolncocktails]

Touch | Josh Kiszka X Plus!Fem!Reader

Warnings: Discussion of being plus sized, allusion to trauma related to being plus sized, "Fat," Minors DNI: graphic sexual content, oral (f., m. giving and receiving), unprotected sex, pullout game, finish in mouth...

Summary: You had spent so many years of your life accepting that you were fat and that you'd be alone forever. If you couldn't have a man that loved you for you, you'd do just fine alone...until Josh Kiszka walked into your life.

Word Count: 2.5K

A/N: this was refreshing to write! Especially since it's been a long time since I've written for you guys. I hope you enjoy this one!!

“Have you tried Weight Watchers? Considered exercise? Keto! I’ve heard people lose like crazy amounts of weight on that diet.”

Diet: A simple, four letter word that was the undoing of your confidence since the fifth grade. “Slow down, you’re eating like a pig,” your mother had said to you one night at the dinner table. She didn’t know how hurtful and lasting her harsh words were, but they still linger today. You still hear her words. Every time you look at social media and step out of the comfort of your home, you’d face the truth that fat people just don’t belong. You’d lived many years within the category ‘fat,’ and had a chronic habit of denying yourself the freedom of genuinely living without giving a fuck what anyone thought. And you thought you’d live that way forever, doomed to repeat the cycle. Until Josh. 

And now, here he was, buried flush between your legs, eating you out the best you’d ever received a man or woman’s mouth. Ever. 

Well laugh it up bitches–because he’s fucking me like there’s no tomorrow in my own bed, in my own apartment. He knows I’m fat–and he LOVES it. Except I’m wasting time feeling sorry for myself. 

“Hey, hey hey,” Josh said, lifting himself off of you and propping himself up on his forearms. “You’re not here right now,” he said, reaching for your thigh to stroke the soft, supple skin. “Should we stop?” He asked carefully, his deep, chocolate eyes searching yours, pulling you from your thoughts back into the dimly lit room where you both lay naked, exposed before one another. 

You shook your head no. “Please no..” You said finally. “I was just thinking…” You spoke, considering if you wanted to pause to have the conversation with him or not. He didn’t resume, but you didn’t really expect him to, either. He knew you too well and was an expert at deciphering you, no matter if you wanted him to or not. He sat up straight, sitting with his legs folded underneath him. 

“Talk to me,” he asked softly. “What are you thinking about?” He reached for your hands and pulled you upright.  You closed your legs and sat up with your legs crossed, debating of whether to tell him the truth. You decided to because you  knew that he cared enough to listen through whatever was bothering you, and he wouldn’t jusde you for it, either.  

“I’m thinking about me being fat,” you blurted, feeling the words spill from your tongue, sparing no thought to smooth over how bluntly they filled the room. 

“Okay,” he said, holding out the last syllable in a matter-of-fact tone. “What about it?” He asked, unaware of the weight that the three letter word had on your tongue and brain for so many years. 

Fat.

“I don’t know, I just kinda sabotaged myself, I think.” Josh reached to secure both of your hands in his. “Started thinking about all the hateful shit people have said to me and I just kinda got distracted.”

“Did I do something to make you think about those things?” He asked softly, his tone completely neutral. He hadn’t done anything, no. But he did touch you. His hands had smoothed over every inch of your body. Every roll, every divot, and imperfection was caressed, kissed, and admired by him. Even so, it took everything in you not to wince when his fingertips grazed the parts of your body you wished you could hide, conceal, chop off… 

“No, you didn’t do anything,” you told him. “You touched me.” 

His gaze muddied with confusion, because duh! Of course, he had touched you. “You don’t understand,” you continued. “You touched me tonight in places that I would never let anyone even look at. You touched my belly a few minutes ago and it made me start to overthink,” you explained, feeling both embarrassed and stupid. Nonetheless, you needed him to know, so you kept going. “It made me think about all of the awful things people have said to me. Done to me. Even my own mother.” You averted eye contact with him for a moment before looking back at him. “It wasn’t you, I promise. I’m sorry.” 

You hadn’t noticed, but the entire time you spoke, his thumbs softly stroked the skin of your hands as he held them, silently listening to every word, watching your every move. He let silence drift through the room for a long moment before speaking again. “Y/n, you don’t ever have to apologize to me for being honest,” he assured you with understated intensity. “Never–and I’m so sorry you’ve gone through those things. I wish I could take that pain away from you, but I can’t,” he said honestly–and he was right. He couldn’t undo the years of scrutiny you’d been given. 

“But I can tell you and show you how much I love your body,” he said, his eyes deepening. “I won’t touch anything that makes you feel insecure, but I want you to know. I don’t care that you’re fat. I don’t care what you weigh. I don’t care what you eat. I don’t care if you exercise. I only care that you know that you are wanted. Very, very much, might I add.” The final words came out of his mouth hungrily, and looking up at him you could see his cheeks clearly flushed with need. 

You looked into his eyes, and he didn’t waver. With the depth of his gaze, you knew he was telling the truth. He wanted you in this moment, but you needed to let him in. You sat for another moment before declaring, “Then show me. Show me, Josh.” You said, opening yourself back up to him. 

“May I touch you again?” He asked first, verbally requesting permission from you. 

“Anywhere.” 

“Anywhere?” He nodded as if to convince himself that he heard you correctly. 

“Anywhere,” you affirmed, pulling him by his arm to once again take you with his mouth. And just like that, he was on top of you, his mouth on yours in a breathy kiss. His lips and tongue tasted of you, surging more warmth between your thighs as his approach intensified, his lips breaking from yours to travel down your neck to the swell of your full breasts, his tongue finding and circling around an erect nipple, flicking it playfully in his mouth before applying gentle suction. Next came his fingertips; His hand had wandered undetected, landing between your thighs, his fingertips fluttering gently upon your clit and folds, deftly rolling soft spirals around the bud, collecting and dispersing a thick layer of of your own slick upon the sensitive skin. Your back arched reflexively against his touch and you bit at your bottom lip as he pressed his weight against your body, holding you down against the bed. His lips dragged from your tits to your belly, sucking hot wet kisses onto the supple skin however and wherever he pleased, determined to leave proof of being there.

“Still okay?” he asked in a low, husky murmur. 

“Absolutely. Don’t stop,” you nodded enthusiastically, squeezing his free arm. You fell back against the pillows, closing your eyes as you traced his movement, creating a map of where he has been, and where he has yet to go. He moved lower and lower until you both knew what was coming next. He teased your entrance with the pad of his thumb, licking, kissing, and flitting his tongue and lips against your swollen clit. The fullness of his thumb felt so good, but it didn’t stop you from wanting so much more, until he surprised you with one finger, then two curling upward inside of you. 

“Mm, so fucking hot and tight on my fingers, Y/n,” he praised you, gasping for another breath. You could hear his lips on your pussy, the sound your wetness made upon his face, tongue and lips as they fucked into you. 

“Fuck, Josh!” you moaned, reaching your hand down to grasp a fistful of his curls in your hand. You could feel his soft stubble beginning to abrase your skin, but it only added to the sensation of the moment. You pulled him against you as if his hair were reins. With the leverage you had, you fucked up into his face with your hips, bouncing as best you could from the bed. Before you knew it, you felt your core swelling with fullness, and you knew you wouldn’t last much longer like this. He scrambled off of the mattress, his hands darting to his belt and pants, getting them off and tossing them to the floor while you waited desperately for his return. When he finally stood naked before you, he needed no preparation; his cock was fully erect and stiff, ready to give you the fuck of your life-the fuck you deserved. He would make love to you later, but now? Now he needed you to know that he found you undeniably sexy and that there was nothing on this planet that could or would stop him from ever wanting or needing you. 

He took his cock firmly in his hand, stroking it a few times before crawling onto the bed and reaching for you to spread your legs and reorient your body. You watched the intensity in his expression-how drawn and downturned his eyebrows had grown as he lined himself up against your hot and slick entrance. You knew he wouldn’t last long once he was inside. He pushed himself into you slowly, and you immediately felt how big he was, and how he filled you completely. You couldn’t help but squeeze your walls around his cock.

“Fuck,” you moaned, watching him wrap his arms around your legs stroking into you slowly, bearing his weight down to fuck into you as deep as he could before backing away and repeating the process. He started slow, his eyes falling shut. He bit his lip as he focused. 

“You are so. Fucking. Tight.” he muttered sloppily as he took in a relieving breath, having held it unintentionally. You responded to his observation by purposefully gripping his cock again. “Fuck!” he moaned, turning his head to kiss the softness of your leg. “Your pussy is incredible.” 

You enjoyed the way the word sounded coming from his lips. As if he owned it. “Say that again,” you ordered breathlessly.

He found your eyes, looking into them as he spoke. “I love your fucking pussy. I love it,” he repeated, withdrawing an arm from your leg to meet your clit with his thumb, rubbing in a slew of patterns to leave you writhing up in down in unexplainable pleasure. 

“Oh fuck. Fuck! Just like that,” you encouraged. “Keep going. Don’t stop. I need more,” you plead with him. 

“I don’t plan to stop, honey. Not until we’re both good and satisfied,” he said in a low growl. His face had turned several shades of pink from exertion, his eyes dropped half open and his mouth had fallen slack as he worked to vary the depth and intensity of each stroke. You wanted all of him and everything he had to offer. 

“Come here,” you said softly. He obliged, lowering himself so that he was flush ontop of you and you lay face to face as he fucked so deftly into you. His lips tasted of salt, mixed with the clean scent of his skin. His hands cradled your face gently, his thumbs caressing your cheeks as his gaze bored through you. You felt his fingertips mussing at the hair at your neck, but you knew he was doing it unconsciously. You could see the emerging orgasm coming; his expression gave it away. Suddenly, he retracted a hand from your face and placed it back between your legs to finger your clit again. His hands moved just right. Just right. He never stayed in one place for too long, and the pressure he placed on your clit and folds as he fucked into you sped your closer and closer to cumming. You were only mere seconds behind him. 

“Cum on my cock, baby,” he huffed raggedly, stroking into you faster, but not too fast–not too hard. He was absolutely perfect in the way he held you, fucking you with his cock and fingers, determined to leave you feeling inarguably satisfied. Your body, like his, was covered in a thick layer of sweat, allowing your bodies to slide against one another in just the right way. 

“Im so close. I’m gonna cum,” you finally groaned. You  reached to grab a fistful of sheets, but his hands shot upward to pull them to his chest instead as he moved into a new position, bearing his weight against his palms as he pounded deeper and deeper into your core. And then there was a fullness raging through your core that you couldn’t control any longer. “Josh-Josh!” You groaned louder, pushing against his chest as if to get him away from you, but he only locked himself more securely to you, looking into your eyes as he drove you off of the cliff. You vision went white as you finally came, as if stars were bursting and fizzing within your veins. Every bodily function seemed to pause in an instant as you arched and writhed helplessly against him, your thighs having a mind as their own as they bucked against his. He finally sat completely upright and pulled his arms around your legs as he threw your body weight against his thrust, sending his cock the deepest it had been. 

“Fuck!” He spat, his face dripping with sweat, his prim curls having fallen in a loose, damp halo as he pounded into you. He pulled out at the very last moment, fisting his cock desperately as he scrambled to your mouth where you took all of him, instinctively rolling your lips around his thick, hot shaft. He held your head in place as he unloaded, thrusting into your mouth. You took it in stride, doing whatever he needed. The noises that came out of his mouth could have made you cum again. He sounded inexplicably vulnerable and blissful as he fell apart above you. You felt his body rock and hitch as he came, and you squeezed his thigh, pulling him in closer. He wasted no time basking in his own satisfaction, though. He lowered himself to kiss you deeply, now tasting himself on your lips as he captured and sealed the last passionate vestiges of the moment. He plastered his body to yours, rolling you around on the bed so that his fingers were knotted deep within your hair, his lips pressed to yours over and over. You slept that night cuddled up to him completely naked. You were tired of hiding, and this man did everything in his power to coax you out of the safe, but unrewarding cocoon you had claimed for so many years. He made you feel beautiful–for all of your imperfections, for the extra pounds, for the funny laugh you couldn’t get rid of, for the poor taste in reality tv shows you had, he had made you feel radiant. You’d cling to that for as long as you could because you knew one thing for certain:

Joshua Michael Kiszka was a real fucking man.

Taglist: @theweightofstardust@thecoldwind@stardustdanny@stxverandle @starchords @strangersingold @dannythedog @mywaysooon @gretavanhoney @moonlightanthem @sparrowofthedawn@gustingirl@cowboysamkiszka@fictional-duchess@gretagolden@screechesincoherently@capturethechaos@ageoftambourine@basically-hayley@gretavanfleas@tlexx@amouratomique@strangeh0rizons@wriwrites@fosterkidwiththebrokenjaw@gvfvanfleet@jakekiszkasgiggle@katie-gvf @mgk777 @streamsofstardust @shellygvf @celestialfauna @gretavankleep37 @theweightofjake@thatcatbsong @tripthelightfandomtastic @teddiie@mckenna4 @myownparadise96 @b3l1nda @doodle417 @ashabeannn @emsgvf @prophetofthedune @groggyvanfleet @callmebymym @kdarling1@jakesguitarstring@of-infinite-wonders@mywaygvf@gretasmokerising@gretavanlace@the-chaotic-cow@greta-flanveet @janegvf @m1rkw00dpr1ncess @hayley1623 @theweightofdreams-gvf @zoelle16 @lvnterninthenight @slutforthejuck @megsobryan @age-of-nyahh @gretavancreep @eeeloraaa @doodle417 @gretavansteph @sammysvanfeet @lovejessejay @sammiejane22 @bumblebeeswrite@ryegvf @unfortunatelykristin @samkiszkabreakmyback @loofypoofy @songbirds-sweet @sammyslappers @jakekiszkasleftnutsack @ohhey1293 @jakesgrapejuice@kureenuh @kenzy-daddy @jazzyllemmon @groggyvanfleet @natdance927 @lallisonl @jakeyboiiiiiii @fleet-prodigy @brokenbellsgvf @gretasmokerising@cyliegvf@earthlysorrows@teddiie

[vinziel]

How about reader x jd on date?

A/N: TYSM for the request dude. I hope this fic will be as you expected.

A Casual Night Out Male Reader x John Dory

"Hey John" You call for John Dory who was chilling in your shared bedroom, entering it "Yeah?" He answers "Well since we're together again, it's been a whole 20+ years since we've gone on a date." You say, breathing for a moment, sitting beside him in bed, before continuing "So I was thinking maybe we should go on a date. Like old times, well if you don't have any plans for today" You never really tried dating anyone else for the last 20 years, focusing more on yourself and Branch, but since John Dory's back might as well go on a date and have time for yourselves. John Dory gave it some thought, pulling you next to him, you two cuddling before agreeing, saying "Oh sure, we can do that, but you know I don't have anything nice to wear" "Oh that's fine! We don't have to go all fancy, just wear what's comfortable and we'll just have a fun casual night out, going to the park, maybe a carnival" You reassured John Dory

"Ok sure, when are we going?" He asks "Well considering it's already 3pm, we'll be going at 5pm. How does that sound?" You question, John Dory agrees, saying "Yeah that's fine...wow it's been a while since I've been on a date" "You never tried dating these past few years?" You ask "Well I did but they never worked out in the end. None of them ever clicked with me, how about you?" John Dory answers, asking you the same question "Oh I never dated since then, I've mostly been focusing on myself and Branch" You answer back, letting out a soft chuckle "That's good, glad you could focus on yourself" John Dory says giving you a soft and quick kiss on the lips, you laugh and say "You're just saying that because your glad your still the one I've ever dated huh?" You tease, John Dory laughs "No no...well maybe, but I'm being genuine when saying I'm glad you got to work on yourself" He kisses you on the cheek, which makes you chuckle "Well alright then, I believe you"

After preparing you both were now ready for your casual date night, you were wearing a (f/c) shirt with (f/c) jeans, you also wore a jacket since it was extra cold this time around. John Dory wore his usual outfit, a leather jacket except now he's wearing a white undershirt and black jeans that you gave him. It took a while to convince him to wear an undershirt considering it was cold outside, the man didn't budge till you had to forcibly put it on him. You both said goodbye to Branch, Floyd and Clay, saying you two were going out, with Clay saying "Don't forget to use protection" He teased, as the other brothers laughed, you laughing with them, John Dory replying "Shut Up guys" laughing sarcastically, as you both left.

You two went to the carnival, playing all sorts of carnival games, John Dory was trying to win you a plush from one of those carnival games where you have to knock over a stack but was failing miserably "Your trash at aiming babe, here let me handle this" You say, chuckling, taking a ball from John Dory and knocking the stack first try, John Dory laughed but was also surprised at your incredible aim, you got the plushy and gave it to John Dory, it was a greenish alien plushy "Here, I think it kinda matches" You say, laughing, John Dory formed a small blush on his cheeks "I could have won it for you, you know?" He says confidently "Whatever you say John" You say laughing, as you began to drag John Dory to the snack corner in the carnival "So what do you want to eat?" You ask John Dory, he answers "I think a corn dog is fine enough" You nod buying two corn dogs, and giving one to John Dory "So how's our date so far?" You question "It's been fun, and enjoyable. I'm glad we could be like this again" John Dory says smiling softly "Well we could go on more dates in the future, just me and you, maybe even more fancier dates if we ever get the chance to buy you a suit and tie" You say back, John Dory answers with "I'd love that" You two share a quick kiss before continuing to eat your corn dogs

The rest of the date went well, riding on rollercoasters, playing more games, although John Dory held on for dear life during the rollercoaster and he was still quite terrible at the carnival games, by now he was carrying about 3 plushies you won for him, you two went to the last destination, the Ferris wheel, you and John Dory went inside one cabins on the ferris wheel, it was calming and the view was nice, John Dory was still hugging the 3 small plushies you won for him, you then asked him "Did you enjoy our date?" "Definitely, did you?" He answers, asking you the same question "I enjoyed it yes, I hope we get to go on more soon" You look at the view, staring into the night sky, John Dory smiles and gives you kiss on the cheek which surprised you, but you liked it, smiling and looking at him, as you both kissed, a long and passionate one. After the ride you two walked home, holding each other's hand, once you two returned home everyone was already asleep, you two quietly went to your room, John Dory arranged the Plushies on the shelf, as you took off your jacket and jeans, laying in bed with only your shirt and boxers, John Dory proceeded to do the same, expect he also took of his shirt, as you two began to cuddle under the blanket, you two share one last kiss before drifting off to sleep.

A/N: I hope this was good. Tell me your thoughts guys and give me more ideas for future one-shots.

[https-florian]

genuinely debating km$. Can’t tonight, when my dad’s gone I will. So for now I’m going to go on a huge rant.

first I can’t fucking stand my parents I wish they would just divorce already, they hate each other so why are they still together? And it’s not even a secret my dad had cheated on my mom more times than she can count, he’s a narcissist, alcoholic, verbally and financially abusive towards me and her. My mom is also verbally abusive. They both hate me so why am I even around?? They wouldn’t care. It would benefit them. I have been hallucinating bugs crawling on me and I can feel them, it’s awful I need it to stop. I don’t even know if I’m hallucinating atp. I have summer school and I just can’t with it anymore. I hate summer. I hate being home. I hate having to eat. I hate the constant binging. I can’t do this anymore. My parents genuinely don’t like me, they are constantly making mean comments to the point it’s not even “jokes” as they say. I hate that I’m not a boy I don’t want to be like this I can’t look in the mirror. I have extremely bad facial and body dismorphia that I can’t see what I even look like because my face just distorts but I know im ugly. What point in living do I have if I can’t be beautiful. For my best friend? He doesn’t care, he doesn’t love me. I love him more than anything but if he doesn’t care it would be better if I wasn’t there. If I did I would leave him my favorite sweater and stuffed animal, maybe my sketchbook too. I want to confess my love to this boy but he doesn’t love me, at least the same way I love him. He would be disgusted with me. I never had a chance. If my love doesn’t love me then what reason do I have to live? None. I hate how much I love him. I hate how much I love food. I hate that I’m like my dad. I hate myself. I hate everyone except for him but he would never ever love me even if it was me or death. I just want someone to hold me, tell me everything’s ok and let me cry. I want him to. He would never. I hate that I want the love that I will never have. I hate the fact that I feel like I’m going insane. I hate the fact that my mom sleeps with a knife under her mattress because of my dad. I’m also going to give my friend my necklaces I never take off. I hate everything. Not today though if you care enough to worry but I’m this fucking close. Anyway to the love of my life; I’m so happy that you are here and I’m so proud of you, you will probably never see this but I love you so so much and I’m sorry that I can’t care for you the way I should. I know you’ll never love me, that’s ok, I can’t be mad at you for something that isn’t your fault. I hate that I’m like this, you mean the world to me and I will never hate you. I know you wonder why I’m so jealous of him, well I think it’s obvious now. I hate how he’s perfect for you and I could never be that. I love you so much. -K

[scary-monsters]

I genuinely don't know how much longer I can do this

I try to keep mental health shit off this blog as much as possible bc that's not what it's for, it's supposed to be a place to share the things I make and to support others that love the same characters as I do. But also I need to be human sometimes

I haven't been getting enough sleep, my body won't let me rest more than 6 hours a night because I'm constantly riddled with anxiety and the pressure to work work work, be productive, do things or else you're useless.

I don't eat nearly enough because I can't afford to buy groceries most weeks and rarely have time to cook on the days I work. Most of the time I eat one meal a day and that's only on my 30min break at work. My body doesn't even like to take anything more than that.

I haven't bought new clothes in at least 2 years, because I can't afford to and why would I when I never go anywhere except work? If I have a day off I don't have the energy to try and look nice, I throw on old jeans and a t-shirt. And it sucks because clothing has always been a passion of mine and I used to take so much pride in the way I present myself. I miss that part of me.

I'm miserable all the time, if I'm at work I'm only thinking about suicide. I cry all the time. Yes I go to therapy, yes I have a psychiatrist, yes I take medication for my disorder. But it feels like nothing helps anymore.

My therapist asked me two days ago what the barriers to my goals and happiness are and I didn't even hesitate when I answered "work". My job is draining me to a point that is scary for me, I feel trapped in it because no matter how many applications I do, I always get 'no's. The jobs I do have a good shot at pay significantly less than what I currently make, so I can't risk losing that pay. I live by myself, I pay for everything by myself. I don't have anyone else to lean on.

We recently had a loss in the family, and while I handled it pretty well it also brought up all the other loss I've experienced in my life, and there's been a lot. To a point where if my mom calls and says "I need to talk to you", I immediately assume someone else has passed. So all I can think about lately is all those people and all the missed opportunities I had with them.

I'm tired and I don't know what to do, I feel lost and I can't help looking at suicide as my only option to get out of how shitty everything feels all the time. I'm only happy when I'm making art or writing or talking to friends, but when I don't have the energy to do those things?? What then? I sit here and stare at a screen and cry and wish I could be anyone other than myself. I can't measure up, and I'm kinda tired of trying.

I had to call in today because I can't do it, I feel myself falling apart at the seams, I've been snapping at coworkers and having attitude with customers, that's not me, but I feel like I'm losing myself. But because I called in I've now lost a quarter of my paycheck for this week. Every single day I have to pick whether I'd prefer experiencing suicidal ideation for 10.5 hours at work or sitting at home and feeling lost/lonely and crying instead.

I've been pretty good at hiding it and masking this year but idk, I don't have the energy to do it anymore. I'm lost, y'all, I have no direction and I don't know when/if things are gonna get better for me

(also I don't need anyone telling me that I could use vacation money to fix some of these issues; vacations are how I escape, and I need to do that. Plus I always save up PTO/money specifically for them.)

[bitetherabbit]

vent// tw sh and emotional abuse

im crying and i feel so paralyzed and i can't move from my bed and i don't feel real and i just wish someone could come to me and say "it's gonna be ok, i see you, you're going through it right now and that's ok" but nobody ever checks in! my family? even though they know what i've been through but they never ask me about it or how i'm doing. do i even have any friends? i have one close friend who asks me how i am but they're going through their own shit right now so i just avoid talking about how im really feeling so i don't burden them with it. aside from that nobody ever contacts me to just chat or anything. none of my old friends. or my online friends. im always the one reaching out but it never lasts they don't keep the convo going and it dies out again. so nothing from nobody. i have to be the one to take care of myself and i have a hard enough time doing that on a good day. another fucking day wasted. today is gone and ive done nothing except hate myself and shut down. i have so many chores piled up that need doing and with executive dysfunction on top of dissociation im just ignoring everything making it worse for myself. i was awake for 5 hours before i remembered to eat something, and now it's been 5 more hours. my awareness of my body's needs becomes even worse when i feel depressed. and the WORST part of all this is i can't stop thinking about HIM. if he didn't fucking treat me the way he did when i was growing up maybe i'd be a somewhat functional person now, instead of having to deal with my own brain sabotaging me because im stuck in a trauma response without any way to practice healthier coping strategies. and i made the mistake of reading old messages because i go through cycles of not believing what happened to me, and it's like i constantly need to prove it to myself with the evidence i still have (written words). are you happy Dad??? is this what you wanted for me??? how could someone fucking do this to a child and not be aware of it?? and people do WORSE SHIT than what i experienced! it's fucking FUCKED UP. and now i feel FUCKED UP and broken because of it. like who survives this crap and thinks "ah yes, when i feel bad now i'm gonna cut myself! that's a solution!" why is that a thing the brain does????? but rereading shit he'd say to me and knowing now how manipulative it was sometimes helps me not feel misplaced guilt, as if it's my fault for the way he treated me. i think i have such a hard time understanding and believing my trauma because there's that disconnect between: either he's aware of the abuse and is pretending to be innocent or that's just genuinely how he is and doesn't see a problem with it and doesn't realize he's guilty of abuse, and i can't wrap my mind around either when he claims he knows me and he loves me and im his kid and he wants the best for me. whichever way it is it doesn't make any sense!!!! i just wish i could forget about it!!! when i'm feeling good i don't usually think about him. but when i feel bad it's more prominent because i get in my head about the reason i am this way is because of him. this is his fault. this is his fault. i am not at fault. i was a child. i deserved better. i am safe now. he can't hurt me anymore. it's ok to cry. it's ok.

[doublesidedgemini]

11/24

My Thanksgiving outfit hehehe :-) I always like to dress up!!

tw: no food log today but major convo about purging

I’m guessing I was at around 3,000 cals yesterday. I tried to log as best I could throughout the day, MFP has me at 2,866 but I figure I’ll round up a bit cos I didn’t measure out everything 100%. I did purge unfortunately but idk how many cals that got rid of honestly.

I genuinely didn’t want to purge yesterday. I told myself not to. But I ate so much at dinner, and even though I ate slow, I ate way more than I normally do and it fucking HURT. Plus I was wearing tights and my waistband did not help 😂 My stomach was genuinely uncomfortable at being so full and I felt relief to get some of it out. I didn’t force myself to keep going until it was all gone, just enough to relieve some pressure…. So there’s that at least.

I guess it’s fucked up my stomach already can’t handle a full plate of food — I didn’t overload it like crazy or anything. I guess it’s fucked up I felt relief after purging. I guess I’m fucked up. I told myself not to and it happened anyway. On the one hand, I guess this means I really am sick and not just doing this to myself for funsies. On the other hand, did I only start getting sick BECAUSE I wanted to? I don’t know.

Anyway. At least I looked cute yesterday, except I hate my fucking calves. I think my thighs look okay though. I haven’t been able to wear this dress in AGES cos it was so fucking tight on me, but now it fits me nicely :)

I’m trying not to log ANYTHING at all today, and just eat whatever I want but eat small amounts throughout the day so my tummy doesn’t hurt so bad. It honestly felt like a waste to throw up my dinner last night, and I felt sad after lol :( I don’t want that to happen again today. I want to ENJOY the food I fucking made dammit. I might even make another green bean casserole cos we barely have leftovers and it’s my fave!! One casserole won’t kill me. A few servings of food won’t kill me. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.

[stfucal]

In 2022, I began the year at about 198 pounds. As of January 1, 2023, I was 154.4 pounds. I did lose those 40 pounds in 100 days, as I joined a 100 day challenge with my mother and her friends. My mother convinced me by telling me it would not encourage ED behavior, yet I won $1200 by refusing to eat. as of yesterday, I got below 150 pounds, and I looked back on my last year, and noticed my facial shape change. None of my rings fit me anymore. I am currently wearing a shirt that used to be tight on me, but is now a pajama shirt due to how large is on me. I wonder why I am at about 150 pounds, yet I feel smaller than I was at 120 pounds. I remember being young and getting addicted to losing weight, as we all did, and thinking that 127 was too large. What I don’t remember, is what I actually looked like. I have no photos of my body or anything other than my collar bones or hands, or just a simple selfie of my face at that age, and I wonder if I looked emaciated. I don’t want to have looked emaciated, but I wonder if one day I will look back on this time in my life and think I was the same as always. I was never officially diagnosed with body dysmorphia, but I don’t believe I have to be in order to understand that I have no idea what I look like. It is the one thing I will allow myself to be self diagnosed with, because I genuinely don’t know the difference between what I looked like at 120 pounds vs. 198 pounds. All I know is that I’ve begun to get that familiar rush of endorphins when I forget to eat. I’ve had multiple father figures in my life tell me that they’ve noticed how small I’m getting, and I think often about what my best friend looks like. I worry about her, and I think about what it felt like to hug her last, and how I was worried that I would hug her so tightly that she would disappear. How is it not OK for her, but it’s encouraged in my own mind for myself? I do not want to become the monster I was when I was counting calories and counting food and counting steps. however, there’s something so addictive about trying to one-up yourself continuously. It’s making the same drive every day and trying to beat your time by one minute. Maybe today I will get there at 12:42 as opposed to 12:45. Going 75 down a 60 mph road is fine, as long as I win. I just have to win.

I wish I could formulate these into scenes and create art with what I am speaking right now. Instead, I am just getting drunk off of three beers because I haven’t eaten anything except for a coffee, a piece of a cookie, and a couple of potato chips. See what I mean? Even when I am not doing it on purpose, I count exactly every single thing that I eat. Will I ever get better? I don’t want to worry about what I’m putting into my body every single second of every single day, if I’m going to die anyway. all I think about is my mortality and my age, and the fact that every person I love will die, and a lot sooner than I think it will happen. Yet, somehow, I focus on my physical form, and use a vape because I need something in my mouth. I perpetuate the idea that vaping is OK, while the ringing in my ears daily is really the bad thing that probably will kill me. how can someone be a hypochondriac while also doing what feels good in the moment? It’s as if I hear young me telling me that nothing matters, and that I’m going to die anyway, so I might as well do the things I enjoy while I can, but also having adult me understand that I am doing a job that drains me, because I’ve never been offered something better. And what if I get nothing better? What if my art isn’t good, and I am just like every single other white girl, very basic and talking about my daddy issues that don’t matter. What if I quit the best job I’ll ever have, because I want something more, and I never get that more? What if everyone I love is better than me. I don’t want to compete, and I’m not competing, but I want to at least be in the race. I want to be involved with everyone I love, and I want to also be an artist, and I want to also feel the things that they feel. I feel like I am a robot, waking up too late, rushing through a shower, going to work, coming home, late, and then going to bed. What do I do to make myself feel anything? Cry on the way to pick up a child, so that they can see their fucked up parents? Is that who I am? Is that all that I am, just a chauffeur for a child to get traumatized?

I wish I could control other people, and not in a God sense, but in a savior sense. I’m not naïve enough to think that I could save the world, but if I could save this one woman from getting murdered this one long weekend, maybe it would be worth it. She’s a wonderful mother, and I genuinely believe that she could have her child back very soon, if the father was not in the picture. Is that my own trauma coming through? Possibly, but I genuinely believe that my life would have been better with no father figures in it at all. I still would have had daddy issues, but they would be ABANDONMENT daddy issues. I am lucky enough to get all different types of fatherless trauma: one from a dad who abused/neglected me, and then later abandoned me; one from a father who lingered my whole life and refuses to let me go, as I am pretty much, the whole reason he’s alive. He refuses to listen to me speak, and only wants to speak of his suicide attempt (which was definitely reaching for attention), even though I have made it clear that a was pretty traumatized by that experience. He continues to ask me for money, and tell me that my mother is a bitch for not accepting his mental illness (the same exact illness that I have) as a disability. How is it OK for me to work two jobs in order to pay for his TV and booze habit, but he is unable to work because “being bipolar is hard”. Every day I wake up with my brain deciding for me, how well my day is going to go. it always has to go well enough that my father will get what he wants out of me. Sometimes I think that he stayed with my mother for so long and he is unaware of how to find another young woman to pay his bills, so he went to me as the next youngest woman he knew. He knows I am my mothers child, and that I will pay the bills and get the job done, and he knows that I will overwork myself to death. Because of this, he knows that he can come to me for money, and he uses the words and terminology that he knows will get him what he wants.

All I am is a servant for everyone I care about. I was created in my mothers womb as an excuse for her to leave my father, and every day since then has been about what I can give other people. if I ever have the audacity to bring up my own thoughts and emotions, I am called selfish and rude and needy.

No one has ever loved me as much as I love them. 

[inquixotic]

JOSH & SEB (ft. MADDOX & RHYS), MORNING 25.

@graftisms, @properbantz, @dxncingonmyown 

sebastien cassidy.

sebastien has been a lot calmer since the prior days events, after talking to enough people to have separation between the fight and josh himself. but even still, he could not resist poking the bear still, when he saw josh in the lounge area. “so have you untwisted your panties?”   @deanna

josh vargas.

it's one of the rare times today that josh hasn't been glued to jenny's side. since last night, he's been spending an obnoxious amount of time with her--partly due to making up for what they missed, and partly to give everyone in the villa what they've been asking for. he's sipping a drink waiting for her to come back wherever she is when seb has the audacity to speak to him. his eyes roll. "i have nothing to say to you, man."

sebastien cassidy.

he snorts at his response, making a faux sympathetic face at him. “so you’re just going to ignore me forever?” sebastien is practically glowing with glee, feeling sort of victorious with how clearly josh does not want him around, only sweetening his plans. “we could just kiss and makeup, you know. the audience would go wild.”

josh vargas.

"just until you get kicked off, which i give a day or two." his anger is faded from last night, but that doesn't mean josh intends on being seb's friend again. he tried that route, and it didn't work so well. "you'd like that, wouldn't you?" the smirk he sends seb is cold. "what was it you said--you like people who are bad for you? must be hard to find someone worse than yourself." all spoken very casually, for the record.

sebastien cassidy.

“unless your little friend picks me, no?” his smile is positively cheshire, not exclusively using rhys to rub into josh’s face but it was nice to have that as a benefit. “sure, i’d love to do some charity work,” he grins back, ignoring the frost from josh’s side. “i know i said i’m over my straight man phase, but i would make an exception for you, to get someone worse than myself.” his reply is blasè, smiling at josh as if nothing happened.

josh vargas.

"what friend?" he asks, genuinely unsure which friend of his would ever pick seb. don't tell josh he doesn't have many friends to choose between. he's not really sure where this conversation is going, blinking because... did seb just hit on him? "you couldn't handle me," he says simply, annoyed by the way seb is grinning at him. he misses when he was all pissed off.

sebastien cassidy.

“you have more than one?” annoyingly returning josh’s question with one of his own each time, doing his best to tick him off again. even though he’s calmer now, there’s still the itch under his skin for a fight. his grin stretches further when josh seems confused, pleased that his flirting has the right effect. “try me,” he returns, taking a step closer, shit eating grin annoyingly present. he’s basically playing chicken with seeing how long it takes for josh to hit him or storm off again.

josh vargas.

well, when he says it like that... josh hardly figures seb could mean romi or marcus. "rhys has better taste than that," he scoffs, remembering how his friend had (kinda) stood up for him last night to seb.  rhys might not actually have good taste, but surely he's not that desperate. staying where he's seated, eyebrows arch up at seb. if he wants to play games, josh won't be the first to back off. "are you that desperate right now, dude? you could suck my dick and i still wouldn't pick you." but he's welcome to try.

sebastien cassidy.

“does he?” he asks blandly, his smile still sparking with mischief. rhys dated mimi, so seb is sure he’s more his type than josh would be willing to admit — he could handle her, after all. “who said anything about sucking dicks?” his eyebrows go up similar fashion, purposely mimicking him. he bends down so he’s close to josh’s face. “you want to kiss me so bad.” it’s practically a whisper, eyes narrowed at him. and part of him even maybe believes it. why else would he only have beef with two extremely good looking guys? “i would rather go home than couple with you, even if you are the only one worse than me.”

josh vargas.

eyes narrow lightly, wondering if there's something seb knows that josh doesn't. maybe he shouldn't assume, but the idea of seb and rhys together makes him sick to his stomach. the french man crouching down in front of him makes him take a deep breath through his nose, fighting off the urge to shove him away. if this is his tactic for trying to get josh to punch him and get kicked out of the villa, it's a good one. "i'd say my fist in the wall last night says otherwise." he struggles to keep his voice even, trying to figure out where the hell his mind is. "funny, something we finally have in common. i'd rather you go home, too. and it seems like you're the one here that's begging for me to kiss you. you're practically on your knees."

sebastien cassidy.

he feels like josh is probably seconds from storming off again, and that keeps the lazy smile on his face. he would love for josh to haul off and smack the shit out of him, but he expects that he’ll be able to keep his composure, unluckily for seb. “romantic,” he drawls in answer to the fist in the wall, smirking. his hand moves to lift josh’s chin, sure he wouldn’t let him go that far, but he’s playing chicken still. “see, you say that but you are the one kneeling?” he’s sitting, but same difference in terms of height for sebs purposes of just pissing him off. he did have to respect josh’s commitment here to not getting angry, but seb would just keep pushing. “i don’t need to beg, darling. i could just ask your little boyfriend if i wanted a kiss.”

josh vargas.

he tenses when seb reaches out to touch him, jaw clenching in annoyance. this is  the part where he'd storm off, but too many people have made that joke to him in the past twenty-four hours for him to follow through. he doesn't care what people think anymore, he tells himself. he doesn't care that someone's bound to see them in this position, and the joke will probably be turned onto him. "this is called sitting," he says with as much patience as he can muster, saying the word slowly, because english isn't seb's first language. "what are you doing?" he can't help but laugh, pushing seb's hand away, but keeping the close distance. josh just can't stand the idea of someone else being in control. "keep calling him my boyfriend, and i'd think someone's jealous," he smirks over at him. not sure where this is going, just that he's not going to be the one to back off.

sebastien cassidy.

josh tensing is exactly the effect he wanted to have, but he doesn’t back off. annoyance darts  across sebastien’s face, like a flash in the pan, gone as soon as it appeared as he regains his composure and control. the other man speaks slowly, as if he won’t understand and his eyes narrow. “does it matter? you are beneath me.” he smiles at his double entendre. josh pushes his hand away, calls him jealous, and seb feels as if he’s won then, in a way. but the fact that he hasn’t left in a huff sours it, and so he leans further down, his hand moving back to josh’s chin, tilting his face up to bring his lips down to meet the others.

josh vargas.

i didn't talk you as a top, josh almost sneers back, sure that's some kind of insult. but the words quickly die on his lips when he's silenced by seb's own lips. for a second josh can't actually believe it's happening, sitting motionless in place. he could pull away, be as disgusted as he feels, but maybe he does still care how he's perceived, because the last thing he wants is to be come across as homophobic or something. so his eyes roll to the ceiling before they flutter shut and he kisses the bastard back, face flushing with heat at the annoyance he feels. his hand reaches to grab seb's hand and push it away from his face, instead trapping it between josh's hand and seb's leg.

rhys aldridge.

it's interesting that he was looking for either one of the two in the situation he's happened to stumble upon. what did he stumble upon? josh is liplocked with seb, his hand pinning the other's to his leg. perhaps everything with dylan and naomi had been what planted the seed of jealousy that already crept its way up slowly, but there was something about this, yes this in particular, that made him feel like it had taken his heart and spliced through the arteries and veins that kept his being. love island sure, love island, everyone was looking for love, everyone had their person. that was his person, josh was his person. platonically of course, entirely platonically. he almost laughs, the sound catching in his throat in what sounds like a scoff at his imposition upon their sweet little moment, hair falling in his face as he shakes his head in disbelief. his eyes scan the area briefly (is anyone else seeing this?) before bowing out, not wanting to cause a scene. he'll find josh later.

maddox montgomery.

Of the things Maddox expects to find, Rhys in a standstill isn’t it. He’s unmoving, and he quirks a brow. Tilting his head, he peers from behind him, and his fist tightens in an unconscious fist. Well - who would have thought Josh had it in him to be that interesting? Maddox clenches his jaw. After grafting Jenny and laying some mediocre-length pipe in her runway… this is what he finds Josh doing? He catches Rhys’ eye as he begins to walk away, tense silence hanging in the air. “Don’t wanna stay for the show mate?” He asks in a whisper, enough not to startle whatever that is. If this was a hoax, or a last ditch attempt to fuck up the recoupling. Maddox didn’t know. But he admits, he’s curious, and just a little intrigued. “Or is voyeurism not your speed?”

rhys aldridge.

"fuck off." he's sighing, brushing past maddox to get the mental image of whatever that was out of his head.

sebastien cassidy.

the kiss is just too long before seb pulls away, still a little surprised josh even let him do that. his face is flushed and sebastien isn’t sure if it’s because he’s angry or embarrassed or something else. “there you are, finally shut up.” it’s said with triumph, pleased with himself. at least until he turns and sees h maddox and rhys, the latter walking away. oops. there goes his chance of staying.

josh vargas.

"you wanted to kiss me so bad," he smirk is smug when seb pulls away, pleased to have not been the one to pull away. he had kissed marcus before--barely--but this had been a real kiss, and josh... didn't hate it? it might've been a little more enjoyable if it hadn't basically been coercion with his least favorite person. "i hope that'll keep your spank bank warm for a minute, sebby." his hand lifts off his leg to pat him on the cheek, just a little harder than necessary. of course the next thing he does is look around to see if anyone noticed, lips pressing into a straight line at maddox and... rhys? the latter probably didn't see it, otherwise he would've heard shit. "see something you like, montgomery?" he calls over to maddox, flipping him off.

sebastien cassidy.

“if you need more fuel for your awakening, just let me know,” he returns, grinning with malice. josh can be as big of an asshole as he wanted, seb would consider that a win, even if josh did not storm off like he had wanted him to. now he could be the target of seb’s “straight” man jokes even more so. he claps josh’s shoulder in return about as hard as he patted his cheek. “i would think the whole villa would enjoy you being secure in yourself, vargas,” it’s not really a defense for maddox watching, because he doesn’t think there’s anything to defend him from — not like maddox would have feelings for josh.

josh vargas.

"well it's nice to know you'd kiss just about anyone for five extra minutes of screen time," he snides, eyes rolling before he rises to his feet. apparently jenny is just never coming back, and at this point, he doesn't want her to return to this. "tell your right hand i say goodbye, pepe."

maddox montgomery.

“Stunning performance, chaps. Can’t blame two blokes for looking. Though,” Maddox shrugs, pointing to the dust of disappointment Rhys left behind. “I don’t think everyone was as much of a fan.” Hand to heart, mockery covering up whatever interest crept to the surface. And, because he can’t help himself from stirring up this mess, he looks past Josh and his middle finger and smirks at Seb. “Well? I got anything to worry about?” He asks cheekily, as if they were having private bro talk in the bedroom instead of gassing Josh up. If Josh was gonna fuck around with his girl and start making out with his mates, he’d at least hear shit about it. After all, Seb and his defiance aside, Josh was his arch nemesis.

sebastien cassidy.

he snickers, and cocks his head at maddox. “nothing to worry about, mon ami,” he answers, a dismissive wave of his hand pairing with it. josh is not a bad kisser, but like hell would he say that. plus, he was a little stiff. he does feel a little bad that rhys was upset, though he assumes it is because of him, of course. he would have to apologize later. “it was like kissing a fish. i’m surprised jenny is still stuck on him, if that’s what she’s getting.” he plays into maddox’s decision to ignore josh completely, let him have his moment to clown on the other man, since he is trying to leave maddox at risk. “i think you will be fine.”

josh vargas.

"that's not what she said last night," he counters, predictably. "not that you'd know, since she wasn't in bed with you," he smirks at maddox, slowly moving to pass them h. maddox's comment has him wondering if he should find rhys. maybe there was something between him and seb? "next time if you want a kiss, buy me dinner first," he calls to seb, heading towards the kitchen. "i'll be more likely to put out."

sebastien cassidy.

“you’re still not my type, mon amor,” he returns, chuckling. two bottoms does not a relationship make.

[queervegancryptid]

all work and no play makes me a dull, miserable shell of a nonbinary trans boy. i guess.

TW: mention of animal de4th, su1cidal ideation, and just a fuckton of general self-hatred

i woke up today feeling like i could barely walk. i wanted to go back to sleep, but my body hurt too badly. so i got up, turned on the water heater, fed the cat, waited for the water to get hot, ran half my bath, waited another 20 minutes for more hot water, and added bubbles and epsom salt.

the good news is, i felt better afterwards. the not so great news is that i've still been in so much pain all day that i haven't been able to do anything other than lie on the couch.

shadow, my cat, i adore her and know she loves me, but... i feel like a fucking dick because being around her reminds me of snippet, so i find myself avoiding her a lot. a whole lot.

i would never neglect her or any other animal. but she's so loving and affectionate, and for some reason, all i can think about is death.

and i don't mean in an edgelord, look-how-dark-i-am kind of way. i mean i genuinely see death everywhere and would very much like it to stop. it's worst with her for obvious reasons, but it's pretty pervasive. it feels like the concept just sort of draped itself around me and refuses to let go.

i hate being here. we can't afford to move, of course, but i hate being in this apartment so much since snippet got sick, and it's somehow worse now. and everyday, several times a day, i get this gut-wrenching feeling, and i just think, "i wanna go home."

except i'm already here. and because of the pain, especially today, and not to mention the fact that it's summertime and i live in florida and don't drive, it's like i'm trapped here.

i'm so tired of feeling like this. i don't want to die, but sometimes that's all i can think about: there's no escape, i have this eating disorder garbage in my head damn near 24/7, and everywhere i look, i'm reminded of snippet and everything that led up to her death.

i don't want to die. but i can't live like this anymore. it isn't fair to shadow or my partner, either. for a long time, i've felt like i didn't matter, and lately, i feel like i just make everything i touch worse.

i don't know what to do with this feeling. i'm tired of crying. i'm tired of being bitter and angry. to top it off, i feel less attractive and less capable than ever, which is saying a lot. simply put, it's hard to justify my existence. everyone around me deserves better, and i don't know why i can't seem to shake this.

my partner doesn't understand fully, but he's incredibly supportive and does everything he can for me. shadow doesn't understand, and i can't explain it to her. i'm loved. i should be happy. i want to make things better, and i don't know why it's so hard. they both just deserve so much better than i feel like i'm capable of being anymore.

i'm just in a really dark place lately. and i remind myself a lot of my mother, which is just... i feel like throwing something, which is what she would do. i feel like screaming and crying and yelling STOP, but what am i even yelling at? myself? my mind? my mother's disembodied spirit?

all i know is, i can't go through anymore death right now.

snippet died because she got cancer, then passed away in bed next to me and my partner less than six hours before a vet was to come and put her to sleep. i hate myself for not being able to save her, and i hate myself for not being able to give shadow the attention and affection she so clearly wants and deserves.

i hate myself for having an eating disorder and i hate myself for not wanting to recover. it feels like no matter what i do, i can't stop making things worse.

i just want my life back.

[maryrebeccawrites]

My Childhood Crush is a Selkie

See all available chapters here.

Chapter Eleven: Time Capsule

We had one day. I loathed myself for two opposite reasons. I loathed myself for not allowing myself to have more days before this, and I loathed myself for allowing myself to have any.

But it didn't matter why I loathed myself. And it didn't matter whether or not I did, because there I was with no way to change the past and no way I would give up this day.

We woke early, and once again, I felt like we could read each other's minds.

Today we would do all of our favorite things together. We would live like it was our last day to live, because in some ways, it was.

So naturally, we started by making chocolate chip pancakes.

"The only thing that gives you a bearable mood in the morning," he said with chocolate on his nose. "I'm usually lovely in the morning," I said, stealing one of his more chocolatey pancakes. "Maybe you're the one who puts me in a bad mood."

I called Sophie. I didn't explain everything to her of course, but she knew he was leaving, and she understood. She told me it was an unusually slow day anyway, and when she said it, I knew she was thinking about her future there, and I worried that she would leave me soon too.

But I clamped down the thoughts, because there was only so much I could deal with at once.

Del and I packed my car to the brim with everything we would need that day.

I remembered back eleven years ago, when we had done the same thing, except it had been two bicycles piled high with everything that would fit. "Try not to crash into a ditch this time," he said now with a rueful expression. "I'll have you know I've never been the cause of a car accident," I responded, climbing into the car. "Have you?" I asked. "I'm pleading the fifth," he responded.

We stopped at a shop downtown. I needed a new swimsuit, and he decided, for some reason, that he needed one too. "I need to look good when meeting the rest of my family for the first time. Khaki shorts aren't really their speed, unfortunately," he said, rifling through a rack.

"I wouldn't expect seals to be particular about fashion choices, although they do seem much meaner than I'd expect," I said. "Aren't they supposed to be the puppies of the sea?" He grinned.

"Sure, the kind that'll bite your hand off," he said, pretending to snap his teeth at me. I laughed and ran off to try out the bikini I picked out.

After, we drove to the trailhead at the bottom of a little mountain. We walked up most of the trail and paused to eat crackers and drink some water. The forest around us teemed with cicadas and birdsong.

"But you aren't just in some entirely fixed system that can't change at all. I know it might seem that way, but it will automatically be a little better because you're there," he said with a shrug, like it was the most simple thing in the world.

"People talk about the world like it's some fixed phenomena that we can't alter, but we are the world, Diana. You especially."

I was shocked to find his idealism intact, even after all of this. I had told him about my failed law school dreams with an expectation of the same generic responses.

"What do you really want?" He asked. "If you could do anything." I laughed, feeling a little self-conscious. "I don't know, to help enforce existing environmental protections. To make better ones. To help people impacted by climate change in court."

He smiled a smile that was far too genuine, so I cracked another joke: "Maybe it's all a lie though. Maybe I've just been influenced by you all my life. You're a spy for the other side." He laughed. "The other side, meaning what, nature?" He asked. I nodded. "You just want to turn me into a granola-freak environmentalist who wears biodegradable sneakers and won't slap at mosquitos," I said.

He grinned. "If so, then it wouldn't take a lot of influence, darling."

We stopped at an ice cream place next, and he looked very smug when I ordered the dairy-free option, as if it proved his previous point. "I'm sensitive to lactose," I muttered.

We sat by a little pond once we got our desserts, and I craned my head back, watching the sun dance through the trees like a thousand little golden spotlights.

We drove with the windows down, blasting something ebullient. His voice, as it always had been, was rather off-key. "Good thing you're a selkie and not a siren," I said. He only leaned to the side and sang directly in my ear.

We finally arrived at the beach. The late afternoon sun had caused the air above the water to become a haze of evaporated water111. It cast the scene into a dreamlike state, and I knew that I would always remember it that way. I never had very pleasant dreams, so it would be nice to hold onto this one.

We found a corner of the beach that was uninhabited and out of view of the other beachgoers, and we set up our towels and the spread of food and sunscreen and beach balls, but we had truly come here for one reason.

It was our favorite beach, one we had come to as children. It was the only reason I had ever gone to Greyport before living here, and I had been avoiding it.

It jutted out from the land like an eager hand, the sand so bright it almost hurt to look at. Before us was a wide expanse of ocean, nothing but a few scattered islands standing between us and the coast of Europe.

He gave me one quick look of challenge and then took off like a rocket toward the surf. I ran after him, laughing wildly as we splashed into the water, which was still freezing despite it being the warmest it would be all year.

He dove gracefully in, and I followed after.

We stayed in the water until our limbs shook and our fingers turned to prunes, allowing the waves to smash us down and pull us back up again. We took breaks on the land to replenish ourselves and warm under the sun, and as soon as we started to get hot we would dive back in.

Sometimes, as the sun grew lower and the sea grew a little more quiet, Del would stare off to the horizon, but he wasn't looking at the sky.

The way he looked at the sea might have spawned some jealousy inside of me, but it didn't, because I looked at it the same way.

I realized he was possibly the only man I'd ever met who gazed at it with the same reverence that others do when standing in church, trying to look for some kind of god.

He wasn't afraid to worship something without eyes or hands or a deep, masculine voice. The sea could rumble and shout, but it could also whisper and sigh in higher tones, and those sounds seemed to draw even more interest out of Del—the moments in between the crashes of the waves.

Eyes unchanging, he turned to me. "Do you want to go to the cave?"

I nodded. We slowly emerged from the water, fighting for a moment against some undercurrent, and once we touched the sand, he took my hand with a sense of ceremony, and we walked around to the edge of the beach, where the rocks broke unevenly and then came together, resembling a very small cave that water would start to fill as the tide grew higher.

Right now, there was plenty of distance between the rocks and the water, however, and we comfortably walked under the arch that the formation made. I ran my hands along it, savoring how solid it felt in these shifting sands and water. Everything suddenly felt incredibly unstable outside of this little cave, even the small stretch of ocean that had once been so comforting to me.

"Diana," he whispered, and I couldn't really look at him. Our hands were still joined and clammy.

"I don't think this is a good idea," I said gently, releasing his hand. I couldn't really look him in the eye.

"Whatever you want," he said, voice soft.

I finally looked at him. His lips were caught in his devil-may-care smile, but his eyes were serious.

"Well, I want to kiss you, but I don't think we should," I responded, crossing my arms.

He gave a short nod, his cheeks reddened just a shade. "Whatever you think, then." His expression was gentle and accepting.

"I think it will be easier," I said, but I could feel the tears stinging at my eyes. I fought them with everything I could and sat down in the sand, wishing that the tide would come in faster and stay high forever so we could never leave.

"Well, you've always been far wiser than me," he said with a wistful smile, and he sat down next to me, resting his head on my shoulder. He absently touched the sea glass pendant against his collarbone.

"I didn't get you a birthday present," I said, just realizing this.

He just shook his head with a sad smile, as if to say that this was enough.

We stayed like that for a very long time, and the sun disappeared, and the tide did inevitably come in. But it wouldn't trap us.

It simply began to flood the little cave, threatening only to rise high enough to make us wade back. Our belongings had been placed far enough from the beach to avoid the reaching waves, but it was possible they had been stolen by people or seagulls.

The only important item was the car keys, but it was difficult to even care about them at the moment.

When he finally rose to his feet, I knew exactly what he was going to say, and I didn't know if I could bear it. He was smiling sadly again when he finally met my eyes. "I think I need to go now."

I knew he didn't mean that he needed to go back to Quinn's.

The night was still hot, but after spending so long in the freezing water, I had started to shiver. Part of my leg was a bit numb from sitting on it for too long, and nothing seemed particularly real.

The day had been like one of those time capsules, made of beautiful things that were always meant to be buried.

"Okay," I said, nodding.

He didn't look at me now, his eyes on the surf. "If I stay here with you any longer... all my resolve will break. It's already hanging on by a thread."

"We could run," I whispered, but he shook his head.

"They'd come to find us eventually, either my family or the hunters. I would never want to put you in danger," he said. "Besides, you have a future to think of."

"What future?" I whispered, losing a little bit of the calm I had been clinging on to. "I've been nothing but a disappointment. I couldn't get into the college I wanted. I couldn't make myself go to law school. I have one friend and a job I don't want to—I'm sorry. You don't want to hear all of this right now."

I pressed my palm to my forehead, but I felt him there, his hands on my shoulders. "You are not a disappointment. You're still so young, Di. You don't need to go to law school to prove yourself. Just wait, you'll get some incredible job at an environmental non-profit, or you'll start one of your own, and you'll make all kinds of friends, and everything will be okay. You'll have Sophie too, but most importantly, you have yourself, and you need to trust yourself."

"But what about you?" I whispered. "You had dreams and plans too." I didn't want to make it more difficult for him, but I wanted him to understand the gravity of this situation. He could be so impulsive sometimes, and I hated the thought of him being miserable. "We should fight this."

He cupped my face in his hands. “I'm just grateful I got to spend a little more time with you. I consider myself lucky, actually. I know lots of people settle down and get married, but I don't think very many of them actually feel this way. I've felt this way since I met you, and I always will. I get to carry that with me."

I didn't cry. I was too elated and heartbroken for that. He was trying so hard to be strong, but his eyes were starting to become glassy.

"So don't you worry about me," he said, his voice so steady at first, but two tears streamed down his cheeks. "I'll have the sea, and you'll probably meet someone far smarter and steadier than I could ever be." His voice wobbled at the end, and I just shook my head, because I didn't think I could speak.

Wordlessly, he took my hand and led me out of the cave. The water came up to my knees as we navigated around the rocks, and I tried to savor the feeling of being in the water with him just one last time. Moonlight coated the sand around us, and we stayed in the surf.

I thought I heard someone behind us, but when I turned, I saw nothing. I said nothing, because I didn't want him to worry. He had been hanging around the surf for days now without fear of the hunters. They wouldn't find us now. It had likely just been another beachgoer.

He was looking out to the water, the tears still stark on his face, and in the distance, a few dark shapes arose in the water. The air above us seemed to blur and bubble and turn into something almost iridescent.

For a moment, I wondered if they would rise from the water, and I could meet them, but they were waiting for him. I couldn't look him in the eye. "I can't," I said. "I can't watch you go. I'm sorry."

"I understand," he said, his face pained.

"I love you" I said, because I wanted him to know, and I wanted to catch hold of one last smile. He obliged, his grin blinding and his eyes shimmering with more tears. "You know, in case that wasn't abundantly clear."

His smile deepened at the same time the new set of tears began to fall on his cheeks.

"I love you too," he whispered. "So, so much." Then I turned and left without ceremony, found my keys amidst the rocks and fled up the little sandy path, my heart feeling like it was burning up inside of me. I held onto that expression of his. I would hold onto it for the rest of my life.

[sunnisurrealism]

Hi everyone I just want to give an update on my well-being. Today I realized I didn’t send in a consent form to BC Pharmacare and that’s why my coverage wasn’t working, but I called, they told me what to do, and I found the form. This is good because my psychiatrist said i their was an error. So now there shouldn’t be any issues with me obtaining Person With Disability Status and the following monthly stipend and health care benefits.

I am coming to boundless realizations and I am going through a rage mode. I am quite sure I have severe adhd but I have not been assessed. Every single day is an immense struggle of being organized. I have a billion thoughts that I cannot simply get out without feeling like I have to write a whole series of books. Thus, my state is endless restlessness. I feel like Paul, but I know I’m not alone in my destiny like he kinda is. Don’t worry I’ll delete this later. Im not genuinely pissed at anyone in particular, for that would be pointless. I understand that my secret fans know I am a kind person at heart. Quite deeply. Sometimes I need to vent. It’s just that, I can’t afford to not express myself in fear of upsetting my secret fan(s) you Timothée because they cannot help me. Once I have more money and not chronic financial insecurity I won’t be constantly so on edge. I wish my adhd didn’t get in the way so much, and I wish I could go on meds for it but I can’t cuz I’m bipolar. Please never expect anything from me except mail on our birthdays. I cannot stand the pressure and it greatly impedes on my ability to function, which make it no point. I’m not pissed at you Timmy at all you are literally a baby Angel boi. I’m sad MB stopped replying but I’m assuming it was to protect me against my own manic uncontrollable thoughts and tendencies. I respect trust and understand. I’m mostly pissed I have no schedule in my life, which I will work on once I get back from my next trip to Victoria job I see the psychiatrist again. I’m pissed my life is neverending chasing appointments and the beaurocratic system of the government. I often wish I had my own personal assistant to help me because I am so so so overwhelmed I just end up ruminating my life away and failing to eat.

I know the real core of my issue, which is quite obviously, desperation for contact with My Dearest Love Felix. I constantly feel like I’m drowning in an ocean of jaded confusion without him. I’m annoyed when he doesn’t show up in my dreams when I’ve tried. I’m so god damn annoyed that I don’t know the real him and contextually speaking what his sexuality is like. I don’t know if there is hurt feelings or guilt but from that Coldplay song I assumed there was. I am really sorry, but also know I haven’t done anything wrong. it’s painful beyond comprehension in my little brain not knowing what in him is happening. I know though that he conceptually understand that he needs to be my rock, even from afar. Because my disillusionment levels are higher due to not knowing him and im not PR trained to become famous. This sounds so savage but I really really really need him to be stronger than me. At least in this way this story is gender normy. I definitely have a savior complex with him, although during May I saw myself as his Angel savior because he had been waiting so long. Sometimes Chani comforts Paul and Paul Chani. 🧜🏻‍♂️

The more that my secret fans help to accelerate collective transcendence in the name of social surrealist level global compassion IMMEDIATELY STARTING NOW. I don’t think all of us are taking this seriously enough… The more they lift the burden off me in the future. I know this sounds self-centered, but I am fully committed to the biggest dream theoretically possible on earth which if overcoming all systems of oppression. Not only because of the potential rewards, but also because it is what my heart genuinely wants to do when I become famous. Lots of hella people already align with this dream for humanity, I would say everyone actually. But we have to take it so so so much further if we are to address the climate change and i sustainability problem. And it also is the secret key to the mating crisis because emotional intelligence characteristics are evolutionarily advantageous 🌺this path of humanity expanding empathy is extremely obvious, it has always has been and forever will be. Those who don’t align just have broken hearts, which is another reason for the acceleration of compassion. The way thru is not going to change. It’s just the story of humanity.

I do not understand what is happening in the empathetic telepathy / quantum entanglement thing, but it was never going to always be good. At least it’s interesting 🍿

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Friday, February 23rd, 2024!

7:55am: I slept for so long and woke up with no alarms this morning :) feels amazing. Still had a huge orange chunk come out of my nose but it's less than before, I just don't know when it will stop lol (I literally had to get up while writing this and do another one). Last night I had to go to sleep unexpectedly early bc I had a milkshake and it made me so bloated omg. I think I'm officially at that age where I really can't just be eating anything 😂 of course I can bc I'm an independent woman 💅 but not without The Consequences. Also I just popped my BC in and I'm ready for my period to stop and also for the stomach issues to stop omg it's been rough out here. It really feels like spring break should be today, but the pros to it being next week are that it's one week closer to the end, I won't be on my period at all, and hopefully it will be warmer!! I'm tired of this cold ass weather!!

I feel good today besides the random brain thoughts that I don't particularly want. I need to figure out how to replace those thoughts with ones I do what. This journaling, as much ranting as it is, definitely helps me I guess regulate my runaway thoughts. I really want to take a post poop nap though those are the best so ttyl lmao.

10:47am: omg I continued to sleep until 9:50am I don't know how to explain to people how much sleep I really feel like I need. Idk it's probably depression but that's literally ok I'm just doing what I can. I still miss him and that's ok too. I don't really miss him I literally miss just having someone to talk to. But he fucked up and it's his loss, not mine. He lost a genuine person, and I lost a liar who cheats and steals money and nothing he does is genuine, it's all fake to get people to like him so he can use their shit for all it's worth. What's crazy is he's so fake he doesn't even care about these cats after he kept saying he misses them oh boohoo me it's like losing two kids, then blocks me so he'll effectively never fucking see them again. He's literally so fake AF. I take pride knowing I'm not a fake ass bitch and I don't lie to people. Doesn't matter if people believe me or not because I know I'm not lying about anything. If you think I'm lying, you just have something else going on in your life that you have to deal with clearly. This image of them getting on the bike together I think will stay with me for a while, I guess visuals are really my downfall. I know I'm the bigger person bc I literally said yeah y'all are cute together before he stopped speaking to me and everything was chill. It was chill because I made it chill. I made this entire friendship what it was and I'm really convinced of it now tbh. I don't like him, I like me and how I act towards him 😂 I like nice people, aka myself lmao.

If everyone likes me except for you.... Sorry I don't think I'm the problem boo 😘 just a matter of time before he does some more stupid shit I'm sure I'll hear about 🙄

Happy Friday!!

1:02pm ate my ramen leftovers and my boss is buying me CFA Cobb salad for work later :') people are awesome ❤️

10:09pm: JFC my feet hurt like hell. I wish I had a guy to rub my feet fr but one day lol. I just realized he didn't block me on sc so I could technically add him back whenever, I wonder if he's waiting for me to do that?? Hmmmm he's such a narcissist it's wild, plus the whole posting at me when I'm technically blocked on ig is actually crazy af. I bet $200 if he adds me back on ig that post will magically be gone or the caption would change. He's so petty and acts like a little bitch. Literally can't relate 💀

11:40pm: finished my law assignment and I'm so tired I think I'll eat my salad leftovers and literally pass out. My eyes are literally burning.

I really just be out here gaslighting tf outta myself. I'm sitting here like wowza I wish I had "guy" to vibe w me after getting done with my hw.... But it's been so long it's funny that I forget, that man in particular would NOT want to chill with me after I'm finished with my hw!! Name literally one time when he ever fucking did that?? Literally he never fucking did. I'm so gaslighting myself into thinking we'd be doing anything rn, he would've pissed me off all night and then would probably be asleep rn. There would not be random drive thru trips bc he's on a lame ass diet and won't stfu about it and there wouldn't be cuddling bc he would've pissed me off the entire afternoon sitting on his ass making fucking messes instead of contributing anything ever to the home we share and it would infuriate me!! That's not attractive 🙄 so yeah gaslighting tf out of myself to think that would be happening 🤣 it's been so long I forget how exhausting that bullshit was!! Don't go back sis you literally hated it!! Wack AF and manipulative tbh.

One day, there will be a man, he will rub my feet when I get off work, even better he'll see the insides of my shoes, know that I'm too busy/ADHD to remember to get insoles, and would surprise me with new insoles for my shoes ❤️ that's what care and love looks like. We will have a cute snack and then probably fuck before bed bc we are both grown and not scared of a little period fr, and he would get me a towel and draw up a shower for me afterwards and I'd come back into the clean bedroom with no dirty shit on the floor and get into my made bed and snuggle with the real love of my life who loves and respects me 🥰 manifesting lol 💕