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transformersarelikemagicalgirlz · 6 months

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Ugh I can’t believe I’m venting here of all places but I also need to get this out so bad

For context, i haven’t had an irl friend since I was 11. My parents didn’t want me in public school, the stay at home parent couldn’t drive, I was babied and not even trusted to leave the house to walk/bike ANYWHERE without a parent, but I finally did manage to be allowed social media in my late 16’s.

Both friend groups I’ve had online were ones I cared about deeply and they both ended with me realizing they didn’t care about me in return. One I was the oldest of and 80% of the group was 13, but I still got along with them anyways and after a whole year of being the mom friend, the therapist, the “Ill call the police if you don’t throw up all those pills you intentionally OD’d on because I’m not letting you take your own life so young” stays up all night spam calling them when they said they were gonna ktms only to find out they were bluffing and never even took all those pills or actually intended to hurt themselves, that kind of friend. Then when push came to shove, the one time I needed them, the one time I literally had to Voice message because I couldn’t see my keyboard through tears, they completely ignored and roleplayed over the top of me and left my messages on read.

The second was so much better, they were supportive and funny and super invested in the fandom I’m hyper fixated on and you can ask anyone in my family I was BEYOND happy with them. Then out of the blue, the admin messages me to tell me I’ve sent a server invite. I hadn’t, I didn’t even have people to invite in and I had been hiking in the desert for four hours straight with my family. They let me back in and then booted me out AGAIN after a literal misunderstanding with them thinking I was “Acting like they didn’t have a reason to kick me in the first place”, and said “I think it best if you just leave sorry.”

I tried to explain myself and they came back with “Uh huh, you still sent an invite which is all I need to know.” Mind you I’ve been friends with these people for MONTHS at the time this happens and they’re completely unwilling to hear me out.

Out of desperation not to be kicked from my only friend group at the time I offered to show them screenshots of all my recent DM’s to try and prove I hadn’t sent an invite, they came back with “I don’t need to see that you could’ve deleted the message 💀”. ATP they’re condescending me and acting as if the situation is funny and I’m having a meltdown sobbing in front of my mom and unbeknownst to me at the time starting to get sick from too much sun that day.

So I’m sobbing and seeing red at the same time, and I told them to shove a cactus up their ass but that I’d be explaining to everybody through DM’s why I was gone and what happened. But they got to everyone first, @‘ing everyone just showing me being aggressive and telling them to shove a cactus in their ass and they managed to turn everyone against me. One very sweet person was nice enough to share screenshots of the situation and let me know about it before I ever even reached out to anyone and at that point I was too humiliated to say anything watching everyone make fun of me.

I couldn’t hold food down for the next two days out of a mixture of emotional upset and what might have been heatstroke from that hike. As of today it’s been a week, 2 hours and thirty minutes since that happened and I still haven’t heard from any of those people after the admin blocked me on everything. I still have a DM with most of the people there, but they haven’t once reached out to me and I’m too scared to reach out to them. I just keep thinking about it all on loop.

Oh, and as a bonus fun little side note they fucking posted a slideshow of our DM’s on TikTok, tagged me in it and said “Uh you deserved to be banned as this screenshot shows you invited someone so yeah sowwy ☺️” AND DIDNT BLURR OR CENSOR MY USERNAME. That’s wrong on a LOT of levels, but holy fuck I’m so glad that video got taken down. I hope their 11 likes was worth my internet privacy. And again I legitimately have no clue where that invite was sent, i still swear on my life I didn’t do that.

So yeah, not a peep from any of them and I’m seeing a pattern here. Am I obnoxious, am I boring, do people not find me funny… literally wtf am I doing wrong that nobody cares about me as much as I cared about them? Maybe those were just texts to them but to me online interaction is my ONLY interaction, it meant a lot to me. Maybe I can’t force them to care about me but I wish I could at least force them to understand how bad it feels to realize you’re not cared for. Do I just sound like a chronically online pussy who’s being selfish? Idk, but the loneliness is fucking killing me and I’m scared to be open or even joke around with people anymore. I feel like there’s a standard I’m not aware of that I have to fit for anyone to even consider me an acquaintance.

I still feel literally sick just thinking about the year wasted with those first people and then months with the second, I can’t get all that time back and it doesn’t feel like a happy memory anymore it just puts a pit in my stomach to think of how it all ended.

Christ it’s 2:41 am now and this must sound so fucking dramatic, I need to go to bed.

#not transformers #lonliness rant I guess

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simplysummers · 2 years

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You are a real bitch. I managed to keep it to myself for a while but I am sick of nobody telling you what we think. You go around this fandom acting like youre some unproblematic princess who loves everybody equally when really your a mean and selfish little asshole who thinks she is right about everything. You are two faced, youre entitled, you think youre so perfectly right about everything because you have passion and you use fancy words. Well princess you arent. Im sick of seeing it. Your work is not special enough for your ‘better than me’ attitude to be acceptable, when you offer good quality work for our space maybe Id get it but you dont. Saying Grant Gustin has pretty eyes isnt special. Do better. Because we dont want you in here claiming youre so precious and sweet when we know what youre really like.

Now considering I’m not one to usually answer hate anons, you should consider it a privilege that I’m even giving you the time of day right now :) /j

The funny thing about this anonymous message is that, based upon the language given and how they’ve approached me, this appears to be somebody in my current fandom, somebody who clearly knows me and the work I produce, and by extension someone I would most likely know myself, and yet they still don’t have the gall to come up to me without anonymity to protect them and say “hey Bea, you may have hurt my feelings, can we talk?” to try and figure out a solution to whatever problem there may be. So that clearly shows me that you aren’t looking to resolve conflict here, you’re just trying to hurt me.

And mission vaguely accomplished, because last week when this came through I was very hurt, not by your insults regarding my work, but because I was suddenly questioning every interaction I’ve had within the glee fandom. Why? Because I care about how I’m perceived. My biggest online rule is that I never want to make somebody feel anxious or worried when it comes to entering a fandom space. I may have differing opinions to somebody, I may not like your ship, and to be frank there are people in this fandom that I flat out don’t like very much, some even in my close circle, but why would I go out of my way to make their day/life miserable? If I can coexist with them peacefully, I will do so because I have no reason to chase them away. They’re not hurting me, nor am I hurting them if we’re both just going about our days. Why would anybody want to tear somebody else down like that, why would anybody want to chase someone out of a fandom because you don’t enjoy their content?

You seem to know about that, as you’ve clearly demonstrated here, why don’t you tell me?

So no, anon, I don’t love everybody equally, I’ve never claimed that I do, but I do pride myself on being a nice person. I would never impose my dislike upon the fandom because that would make the environment toxic for me and everybody else, why would I want that in a safe space? Everybody can exist without worry that I will be there to knock them down because I’m not that kind of person. And the funny thing is, for the most part I actually like everybody in the kurtbastian/Sebastian fandom, two of my fave mutuals are seblaine shippers, a ship I despise! So calling me out for being unaccepting or ‘two faced’ as you say, seems slightly redundant.

Secondly, I don’t think I’m right about everything, and I’ve never claimed that I do in a serious sense. It’s a common joke amongst every fandom to say “This is canon now” or “I’m right” in regards to faves and hcs. That’s never anybody claiming that they are actually correct about something to the point of everybody else being wrong, and anybody who uses these jokey terms literally doesn’t get the reasonings for their existences. Nobody is actually claiming to be above anybody else, I can assure you, and I for one have never once said that. On my blog, my Sebastian opinions are correct to me and most of the time, me alone, do you happen to disagree with them? Awesomesauce, on your blog I bet you have a great perception of your favourites. I’m not forcing anybody to agree with me. In fact, I much prefer it when my ideas are solo to myself, because I can then prove that I work well with originality.

I apologise that you don’t find my work good enough for this fandom space. Here’s a really good idea for you my friend…don’t interact with it then. I’m not forcing you to read my essays, like my shitposts or look at my fanfics, I’m honestly too shy to advertise them properly anyway. You’re not under any obligation to enjoy what I do, you are subjecting yourself to it by reading. Don’t do that to yourself 💛

May I also ask before I finish up here, who is this ‘we’? Are you speaking on behalf of the Sebastian/kurtbastian circle? Did everybody in the entire glee fandom come together to give you criticisms on my tiny blog? Wow. That’s devotion. I must’ve made a huge negative difference with my ‘Grant Gustin has pretty eyes’ post, huh? I wonder if the flash fandom ever saw that 🤔

Oh and…I thought I was above this kind of behaviour….but for cowards like you, I guess I’m really not :(

Have a lovely day 🥰

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solar-cicada22 · 1 year

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I’m autistic and growing up I was friends with a ton of neurodivergent kids without even realizing it. I don’t understand what peoples problem is with us. I wasn’t diagnosed until 13, and throughout my early childhood, I was always friends with meurodivergent people, whether through my mom setting up play dates or me just making friends with them on my own.

Like there was this girl the same age as me who lived down the street from me who was autistic with higher support needs than me. We were good friends and hung out a lot, despite not going to the same school. Sure, she could be a little loud and “weird” at times and her interests a bit strange to some, but I don’t see why people have problems with that? Like seriously, chill.

I was also friends with a boy with epilepsy and autism who was my neighbor. I was closer with his younger brother than him, but we still hung out a lot. Again, he might’ve been neurodivergent, but he was still just a regular kid. The three of us had a lot of fun together that wouldn’t have happened if me and his brother had just ignored or shunned him or something, as I’ve seen people do to kids with autism, including myself.

There was also this woman (late teens-early 20s I think) with Down’s syndrome who’s mother was friends with my grandma and whenever the two of us ended up at her house at the same time, we had tons of fun watching tinkerbell movies and shit.

Most recently, there’s a boy with higher support needs autism than myself who’s in my class who almost everybody straight up hates for being autistic. Literally. He once had a meltdown in class and was mocked for it for weeks. Me and him aren’t great friends, but I’ve defended him to people in the class. The mocking was also one of the reasons my parter and I broke up, as they were one of the ones mocking him and it made me sick. I don’t understand why people treat autistics like this.

I’m just trying to say that hey, neurodivergent people can be really awesome people too and you should give them a chance and not be an asshole to them! At least practice basic human decency, people! I’m so tired of seeing my friends and people in my community get treated like shit because they’re different or weird. I’m so tired of hearing people mock the people in the special Ed class at my school. I’m so tired of constantly masking, knowing that it I didn’t I’d receive the same sort of ridicule as they do. I’m sick of you assholes being assholes! Chill the fuck out and be nice!

#actually neurodivergent #actually autistic #autism #autistic things #autistic feels #ableism #my school is full of assholes #ugh #also just looking back wondering how did I end up with so many neurodivergent friends as a kid. I think my mom was trying to tell me somethi

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metaphoricalcolours · 2 years

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i've always been a huge fan of new who's holy trinity - nine, ten and eleven. i tried to get into twelve as well but he just didn't feel like the doctor to me and i couldn't stand clara so i just stopped watching doctor who, which has been my favourite show for nearly a decade. i decided to borrow season 8 and 9 on dvd last month to give them a decisive shot, resuming after 4 years. against all odds and what i, myself, would've sincerely imagined, they finally grew on me. both of them. in just 3 weeks, mind you! so i'm writing this after finishing face the raven, which i knew would be the episode where clara dies, thanks to a lovely spoiler on this very app. i knew i wasn't ready to see it happen though, and oh god - i was definitely not prepared for how it happened.

losing a main companion on doctor who is always upsetting, to put it mildly, but it was heartbreaking for several reasons this time. first of all, tell me this isn't twelve & clara's very own doomsday? this is literally ten & rose standing on darlig ulv stranden, knowing they're about to say goodbye but the expected 3 little words are yet again robbed from us. he was ready to say them this time!!

nothing new here, but this show never disappoints when it comes to speeches so we have clara basically telling the doctor not to let this turn him into another ashildr while he's - pardon the word - dying to save her. he always tries to save everybody, but this loss is obviously a much bigger deal to him.

now, this is where it gets specific. remember that part in the girl who died where twelve shows more emotion than he'd done in most of season 8 and is desperate to the point where he goes "i am so sick of losing people"? he was telling clara after failing to save... yes, none other than the person who'd turn out to be responsible for clara's death. hero-turned-villain, ashildr/me. a villain he'd encounter for the first time in the woman who lived, although they did agree on some sort of truce at the end of the episode, by which point i'm sure he'd regretted saving her at least once, considering how cruel she'd become, but that feeling must've gone past the point of no return when she not only lured him, clara and rigby in that hidden street out of the blue but also took the woman he loves. no, she might not have known that clara would take on the weight that was on rigby's shoulders but she had no reason to do everything that led up to that event. there was nothing the doctor could do to save clara this time, and that wouldn't have happened if he hadn't given ashildr the chip that made her immortal and turned her into such a cruel person.

another thing: he told clara not to run because he wanted to be with her till the very last second, which is pretty significant since running is what he always tells people to do. she went outside and he followed her. all he could do was watch her die and stand there with all the anger in the universe inside of him. he would've raised hell for her but she didn't want to see him like that in their last moments spent together.

this hug obviously means even more than usual, and we know what the doctor told clara after demonstrating an aversion for hugging in season 8: a hug is just a way to hide your face.

oh, sweet heartbreaking hints peppered throughout season 9.

#doctor who #face the raven #twelfth doctor #clara oswald

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bellewintersroe · 1 year

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James ‘Moe’ Alley x nurse Jenny OC- Headcannons - Part 2. Moe, Liebgott, Jenny and Alice all go on a fourway date but things don’t go according to plan. There’s a slight blip in what could’ve blossomed into a super unproblematic relationship cos I loveeee angst and drama 😏.

So picture this right, it’s 2 weeks later, a Friday evening after the boys have just run Currahee endlessly, and both nurses have been in training all day. Liebgott for some reason finally takes up Moe’s request.

but the only problem? Liebgott and Alice DONT LIKE EACH OTHER. So both of them are only in it for the other people, and in the process they drink a little too much to pluck up some courage because oh boy this is gonna be awkward.

Moe’s angry from the second he meets up with a drunken Liebgott, Jenny’s trying to calm a FURIOUS Alice down, and by the time it gets around to the date everybody’s a nervous wreck.

But Moe and Jenny are still so cute, they’re literally pining after one another and they don’t know it.

Things are going kinda okay, apart from the fact Liebgott is making digs at Alice and Alice is rolling her eyes at everything she’s saying, Moe finally starts feeling a little more confident about making conversation.

they’re all young at this point, slightly immature so they’re chatting a lottttt of shit about Sobel, okay. Things seem to be going back on track. Jenny’s all like ‘Sobel hates me because I actually wanna look like a girl’.

then Moe slips out some cute little compliment like, ‘at least you look good when you’re getting reprimanded’ and they have a little moment where they’re just giggling and sharing ehe contact, but it’s ruined when drunken Lieb knocks a drink all over both girls.

Alice gets all pissed because she’s equally as drunk, and then Joe gets pissed back at her, then more drinks are thrown and they’re full fledged ARGUING.

Moe is internally plotting 101 ways for Liebgott to DIE. Seriously, it becomes the Alice and Joe show for the next hour and a half as the four of them have to share the most awkward cab ride ever.

Moe and Jenny don’t even get to sit next to each other because Alice is squashed between them, whilst Joe is in the front seat shouting over the chair back.

Its just one big mess.

I feel like towards the end of the night, once Alice has gone inside her barracks, Moe kinda lingers sheepishly (because there was probably no mixing allowed idk). And then Jenny would slip back out of the door so she could finally speak to him.

‘Hey’ she’d greet him so gently and Moe thinks he’s gonna melt into a puddle.

‘Hey uh, sorry for tonight. Didn’t realise those two despised each other.’ He’d sigh out and she’d smile gently, eyes lingering towards where Joe is hunched over.

her eyes narrow and oh not again, ‘I think he’s being sick’ ‘Who?’ ‘Liebgott. Again.’ ‘Son of a- I’m sorry about all this, I uh- I better go.’ It’s super awkward and it’s such a let down, Moe fears he’s just given her the worst date of her LIFE. With a gentle smile and a soft ‘see you later, Moe’ the night ends as dissatisfying as ever’.

the next day whys it kinda awkward? They’re all doing physical examinations on the boy and Liebgott jumps straight out of Alice’s queue, forcing Moe out of Jenny’s line.

it some how feels like it’s not meant to be, and Moe being slightly more sensitive than some other people, feels super disheartened. He thinks his chances are straight out of the window, and he’s positive Talbert or Skip or something with a bigger personality is just gonna snatch you up.

All he can think about is her perfect goddamn face and smile, despite everything that happened that night he just sees the absolute best in you, and you plague his mind the whole evening.

I feel like the next time they see each other it’s super awkward? Like it’s just a short meeting, maybe they’re passing by each other, but once or twice Alley might pretend not to see Jenny and it hurts her feelings so then she truly feels embarrassed after the date.

the date went down the drain, and so did both their hopes. There’s still a mutual pining there, but I highly doubt after the disaster of the date either of them kinda put themselves out there afterwards?

kinda sad but it happens but yolo, still early days, stay tuned for part 3 and maybeee there’s gonna be some good? Maybe not.

#band of brothers x reader #band of brothers imagines #Band of brothers headcannons #Band of brothers #James alley #james moe alley #james moe alley x reader #moe alley x reader #James alley x reader #Joe liebgott

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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I am triggered.

I don't want to discuss fucking personality disorders in regards to me.

I had my bullshit blanket diagnosis of bpd and it RUINED my life. Robyn fucking Belle, the CVNT that just tried to contact me and my fucking father all conspired together and pushed me into going to goddamn regions.

AND GUESS WHAT JOSHUA. THEY FUCKED ME UP SO BAD ON MEDS AND RIPPED ME OFF MY XANAX COLD TURKEY FOR 2 WEEKS AND GAVE ME MEDS I DID NOT NEED AND SHOWED A FUCKING TED TALK ABOUT CHILD ABUSE....YOU DON'T SHOW THAT IN A PSYCH WARD SETTING ESP WHEN THERE'S A LEGIT DID PATIENT AND OTHER REGRESSED PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY THE CRIMINALLY INSANE. THE NURSES AND DOCTOR THAT COMPLETELY MISSED THAT I DESPERATELY NEEDED HELP AND WAS SEIZING AND HAVING TROUBLE WALKING GOING INTO WAS A DYSTONIC REACTION THAT THE ER HAD TO DIAGNOSE

Fuck this.

Fuck.

DUDE THEY GAVE ME A MEDS I WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE AS THEY WERE ON MY "DONT GIVE" LIST

They threatened to hold me down to give me that shit.

They broke my fucking brain.

All because a dumb bitch, my father. And another dumb bitch crossed my boundaries OVER AND OVER TRYING TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW DR TODD WAS EVIL AND I WAS ON TOO MANY MEDS.

I was FINE. I was HAVING MY STSRT IN JUNE YEARLY BREAKDOWN THAT LASTS TILL MY BIRTHDAY THING. I TRIED TO FUCKING TELL THEM.

This happens every year. I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS SYMPTOMS OF A PERSONALITY DISORDER DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE FUCKING BPD.

Yes Dr. Todd said "you may have a personality disorder but everyone does"

You do too.

We all do to some degree.

But DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT LABELS AND THEN TOSS A LABEL AT ME

Fuck

Like REALLY?

Yes. I wasn't mad earlier but now I am.

I am mad because I can see exactly what's going on here and the little track we're on that sooooo many therapists have seen and gotten WRONG.

I can't just have the clusterfuck of issues and talk about them. Oh wait they're imaginary and made up according to my family and now you my therapist.

Everyone wants to diagnose me. I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.

I am so SICK of this shit.

I would rather go out to the parking lot and have a screaming match than sit there and fucking fawn and mask.

Then there's no availability for an appointment.

Why take on a patient if you have no time to see them once a week?

Like you think I can't see you and I don't notice that you have your own issues you should work on before you make your cognitive distortions about me?

Because you're WRONG.

Everyone has been WRONG.

I have tried so fucking hard for over 25 goddamn years to be understood and still no one gets it.

And no I'm not stoned. I didn't smoke this evening.

Like I've been dissociative since I was a tiny child a toddler.

I used to put myself in autopilot and goddamn I wish I could harness that again but NO my issues just got worse because I'm apparently a target for SICK FUCKS

I literally don't think you even want me as a patient.

You're frustrated with me about something that I have 0 fucking control over my speech my speech my voice it's always fucking wrong everything about me is always so fucking wrong.

Mom and dad hate me my sister hates me And it shit I can't do anything about

The amount of resentment that my parents in my family in general hold for me is outrageous and I'm sorry that you didn't get to see the real version of my fucking family.

And yes I'm being a fucking bitch and yes I am reactive as hell. I'm aware I am so fucking aware as much as I can possibly be.

But no I do not see whatever else sees because they are only looking at surface level shit.

You know a long time ago pretty much any mental illness was considered schizophrenia

And they did studies and they've learned things about the brain and they're still doing that because the brain is a big mystery jello

I do not think diagnosis are bullshit

I mean dude yes they had to make them up because not everybody can be diagnosed as schizophrenic when they don't exhibit all of the symptoms of that

Why even have ADSM book and say that it's all made up and you don't like labels but you have the ability to diagnose people that doesn't make any fucking sense to me

And it's aggravating Joshua because I don't hate you at all I'm just pissed off. I don't understand why everybody has to pick at what's wrong with me.

I see a fucking psychiatrist. I saw one before him who was much better but unfortunately he is dead and I will never have him back.

I am screwed I am so fucked.

Because if we're going down the little path I think we're going down I'm going to exit.

Unfortunately all I can do is observe and find out if that's the pathway are going down and no I'm not going to elaborate because I need to find out for myself if this is a good fit.

And I don't think you know enough of me or about me.

I am more than happy to work on things and work on goals but you know some of the verbage you use towards me doesn't seem very fucking thought out it just seems like you're pulling things you learned in clinical studies and conferences and from past experiences of yours and you're trying to apply that to me like you're trying to apply it like a blanket

I don't fit under the blanket

That's what you need to understand

I am not like your other patients

I'm also very fucking triggered because you're reminding me of Robin. I'm not sure what it is exactly but it's triggering the shit out of me.

I don't like it. It's giving cope team at the ER.

I really don't think that there's anything wrong with me just completely having a fucking bitch festival on my fucking online journal.

You do understand that I'm still trying to trust you in general right?

That's one reason I am not ready to do the EMDR other than the fact that I need to move and do some other things first.

And yes I'm worried that you're going to read all of this and get pissed off and drop me as a client.

And that will basically fuck me over.

But you told me I could be mad and that you didn't care so here we are.

And you don't have a clue about my fucking mother and why I had that reaction.

She did that shit on purpose and you didn't see the smirk on her face. The classic narcissistic ass smirk that they get when they know that they are causing someone distress.

She loves to play tit-for-tat

Everybody in the fucking family can tell you about her bullshit because she has to be the victim in every scenario.

And honestly I'm still baffled about how my father acted like he never did anything wrong ever and acted like a normal human being and then you tell me it's safe for me to talk to him and he starts screaming at me in the fucking parking lot just completely switched his personality and flipped out at me and continues to do so and continues to beat me down and cut me down verbally every time I have a fucking phone call with him I feel like a goddamn burden because he wants to get off the phone and doesn't want to hear from me or talk to me or know anything about my life

So why in the fuck do these people say that they care but then they treat me like absolute goddamn garbage. Riddle me fucking that.

Because what happens is a cycle of using and a cycle of abusing.

And I'm not happy that I'm back in contact with everybody

I wish that I could just not talk to these people I wish I didn't care about them in order to do that

I do not fucking understand how people in general are so clueless and fucking rude and thoughtless and selfish And judgmental and they can't fucking practice what they preach. And when I tell them about themselves and I mirror them and they see themselves in me they don't fucking like it and they attack me

And I don't do it on purpose that's just something that happens when I talk to people sometimes

For instance somebody asked me a question the other day and they did not get the answer that they apparently wanted

So I got a full paragraph about how I'm a stupid fucking bitch.

I was only trying to be helpful.

So much for trying to be a good person because no good deed that I ever do goes fucking unpunished.

And no that's not a cognitive distortion I am fucking punished every single time I tried to do something nice for somebody or even myself.

And honestly if I could go back to my last EMDR therapist and continue to work with her or if I could go see the therapist that my friend in Lafayette sees I would but I can't afford that.

And maybe I'll calm down when we actually get to the EMDR

Because right now I'm really fucking tired of things being noticed about me as if I didn't fucking already know

I get irritated because I get bitched out about run on talking Or hyperverbal processing out loud

And I can't help that shit

If I could have helped that shit I would not be in fucking therapy anymore because I wouldn't be abused for that or maybe I would be in therapy because it would find something else wrong with me to fucking torture me about

It also sort of pisses me off that the things that I write down are just skimmed

And yes the journalist for me but you also have access to it so you can learn things from me and I don't think skimming is going to help you learn things from me as well as actually just you know reading what I have to say

But I'm a speed reader as well so I do understand to an extent but when you are a treating of impatient and they are writing very long things for you to read so you could understand them better because you have a very short time schedule block for them to talk to you in person it's really aggravating for the patient

And I'm sure it's really aggravating for you to have to read my very long journal or even trying to read it because yes it's unhinged

I'm doing this for my own well-being

I also don't understand why I see people who have worse problems than me get treated betterNot specifically by you but just in general I will be out in the general public and somebody will be like oh I have this sad bitch disorder and everybody's like oh no let's give you all the attention let's love on you let's just fucking suck your ass

And you know what it is you know what I figured out it fucking is it's always the skinny BPD girls that cut themselves and are covered with tattoos and have split dyed hair or whatever the fucking new trend is

It's people like my fucking sister

I mean honestly you do need to remember that I am autistic telling me that I'm not are saying that it might be something else is invalidating the fuck out of me

My psychiatrist and my PA absolutely know that I have autism.

I have gone undiagnosed my entire fucking life and Doctor Todd finally figured it out. And I got relief from knowing everybody was always on my ass bitching me out about why I was seeking that diagnosis because it makes all the sense in the goddamn world.

It does it mean that I don't have a personality disorder or some sort of disassociative disorder or I don't know just sad bitch disorder because I've been traumatized my whole life but I do have autism.

And I'm not ashamed of that's part of who I am and I don't appreciate when people come along and fucking invalidate me

I'm almost 38 years old and I was seeking answers and I'm still seeking answers because there are a lot of things going on with my health and they have always been going on with my health.

Why in the world would you fuss at me or bring up whatever the fuck you want to use term wise because apparently I can't ever use the right God damn words and people take things so God damn personally when I'm just trying to be direct and express myself

And it's hypocritical because everybody else fucking does this too whether they are neurodivergent or not.

And you know what it's so fucking funny to me that elystic people think that they don't have anything wrong with them and they don't have anything to work on and shit like that when it's just so obvious that they have so many complexes and so many little insecurities and issues and I can spot it a fucking mile away

Put fuck me for bringing up the past which I'm going to have to bring up an EMDR anyway

I'm not trying to live in my past I go over my past because there's important points to it which seem to be missed

I don't really know how to fucking communicate with therapists anymore.

The amount of trauma I have had from therapy and everything else medical in my life is insane

And I am mad and I do feel fucking threatened

And maybe I won't be mad tomorrow and maybe I'll get the fuck over it but right now I am pissed

I'm just tired of being seen as some sort of problem

Do you know what's that like I'm sure you do some extent

But have you been seen as a problem since you are diagnosed with health issues as a small child and you were no longer viewed as healthy baby

And your parents started to reset you right then and there and started the passive neglectful parenting and the helicopter bullshit which was pointless because why helicopters somebody and try to control every single thing they do and then abuse the fuck out of them and then ignore them and then be passive-aggressive towards them and then be dependent on them And use them and treat them like shit and then show up to my therapists office and fucking act like they're the most perfect wonderful parents on earth and then they do this little fucking song and dance every goddamn time and I warned you I told you they were gonna pull something but nobody listens to me

And nobody has to listen to me that's fine but you know if they took my advice they might be fucking better off

Ian you know what's driving me absolutely insane is because I know you from somewhere and I do not know where. It's not from therapy. It must be through someone I know because Baton Rouge is a small world. But yes it's driving me nuts I really wish I knew the connection.

It's also sort of uncomfortable because I'm sitting here going to the fuck does my therapist know that I know because I recognize them from outside of therapy and I don't know why

I still thank you should put a mirror up across from where you sit so you can see how you act when you talk to me like your body language and all that like you could look and notice you could get a shatterproof mirror that no one can hurt themselves with like those exist.

And yes Joshua yes I do self sabotage or at least that's what everybody tells me everybody loves to tell me what I'm doing but they don't actually know what I'm doing

Because people do not think to ask how I am feeling before they say things to me and make assumptions and other cognitive distortions about me

You know I never got to create me.

I was so grossly abused you have no fucking idea.

Because you don't know all of it I've only told you tiny tiny portion of it.

I don't even know if I'm going to be able to talk about all of it and process all of it when we do EMDR and I don't know if that's going to even help but I'm willing to try

But I'm so fucking angry

I mean don't you realize what happens to children when their psychosocial stages are fucked up because people abuse them during those stages

Other than the fucking pedophilia people

I remember being in a high chair and having someone shove it over and landing on the ground and hitting my head as a fucking baby

My dad got caught hitting me while he was trying to force feed me food I did not want as a small child and I don't remember that but my grandmother saw it and I believe her even though she's not here with us today

I don't even breathe correctly

And I'm not being dramatic or making some sort of metaphor with that I literally don't breathe correctly because I breathe shallow because of all the trauma I have had since I was a tiny child

I breathe quietly because I don't want to piss someone off by taking deep breaths

Did you know that if I make a huff noise because I'm holding my breath unconsciously that my parents flip out at me

I mean have you ever ridden around as a teenager smoking blunts in the back of a shitty car while your best friend's baby daddy and his best friand are selling crack

How many times have you had a gun pointed at you

How many times have you sat there and watched your best friend shoot up drugs and know that you can't do a fucking thing about it other than sit there and keep watch and smoke a joint because you don't want her to die but you can't sit there having a fucking panic attack so you might as well get stoned and fucking watch turn and make sure she doesn't die

And then she went and fucking died

She's dead and I can never have a best friend again that will ever feel the same

And if you think that I don't see all the stupid things that I have said and all the things that you probably want to point out you're wrong

I know I'm fucked up. Why do you think I've stayed in therapy for so long other than pure pressure from my parents just constant even though they won't seek help for their unresolved behavioral issues

It's really not fair nothing in my life has been fucking fair

And I'm watching my father die slowly and it's heartbreaking because he's so fucking abusive but he was also at times a decent father

The amount of mixed fucking emotions I have about that is immense

And then learning about how my mother is just a compulsive fucking liar and has hidden so much from me

And then having a sister that thinks I'm some sort of dumbass who constantly lies to me about everythingAnd who is having a complete fucking breakdown

She needs to go on a 72 hour hold so badly and if I ever hear Her say I Want To die again I Am going to call ems in it's going to piss off the entire family but guess what I'm So Sick of hearing it do you Know how many times She said it

She's been saying she wanted to die since fucking middle school

I do not care if she's only saying it out loud as an intrusive thought

Because that's bullshit when you say that that many times you're asking for help

And her brain is so adult from all the things that she's been doing that are not good for her chemically

I can't even fucking have a conversation with her without her starting some sort of weird argument and escalating it and it making 0 sense and giving her a reason to throw a fucking tantrum and take her anger out on me

And then when people confront her about things that they're worried about she just blows it off and pretends that it doesn't exist like complete fucking denial and lying straight to your face and all of that and then she will lash out at you if you don't fall for it

I've never seen someone so fucking insecure

You know I had to have her go stand in front of a mirror and tell herself nice things the last time she had a huge mental breakdown and wanted to die because her ex-boyfriend was sleeping and she called his phone over a 100 times frantic till I had to take her phone away from her and hand it to my mom so she could hold on to it until my sister calmed down

But how in the world did this happen well she was dropped off over at my apartment because my father her father could not fucking deal with her

And I thought that she was going to come over and hanging out with me I didn't know she was having a fucking breakdown

And then her best friend that she fucking neglects who is a wonderful kid came over and it was the girl's birthday and the girl brought cake that her grandmother made and my sister was having such a freak out that she refused to eat she refused to eat she refused to spend any time with her friend and was just in the bathroom smoking weed in my apartment over and over and over and over and over again frantically and calling all of her other friends that she doesn't even talk to anymore because they got tired of her shit

And I would love to tell her that they're not friends with her anymore because they could not stand her behavior and she bitch and bitched and bitched about when she had falling out with them because they flat out told her the truth and she didn't want to hear It

The truth is she is insecure and angry and hurting and she won't let anybody help her open up and release her emotions and feel her feelings she just builds up and explodes or she instigates shit so she can explode

It's literally the classic cry for help and I can't do fuck about it

I fucking warned everyone I told them that this was going to happen but they didn't believe me

I'm not trying to control people when I tell them what's up

I have a knowing

I always have.

And people don't like to hear about that because they don't believe in things like that and they think I'm crazy and that's fine I don't care

But sometimes I just fucking know things

The amount of things that I have predicted is like fucking unprecedented and I'm talking about like within my family and groups of friends and just life in general of mine

And I don't need anybody to tell me that it's not real and it's a trauma response in all of that crap because yes it's totally possible just like me having a personalities disorder it's just so totally possible but you know what I don't want that on my fucking chart

Do not fucking put that on my chart

I will be happy to investigate it with you and work on it if I do have something going on because I said that therapy that I was curious to know about anything going on with me and I meant it

Am I happy about this subject fuck no it's a very source subject for very good reasons

I'm so fucking tired and I fucking hate it here

I just want to go somewhere for at least 2 fucking weeks and have a nice time and have 0 problems and get some goddamn rest

What's there's nowhere I can go and I can't fucking afford it

I don't even know if I can afford to put gas in my car to go figure out this fucking clusterfuck situation about why in the hell was my anxiety medicine not called in

I really really really do not want what to have to go to the fucking ER and get treated like I'm drug seeking because my Doctor won't fucking respond or talk to the pharmacy and refill my script

They never fucking refilled it from last visit I spoke to the pharmacist today he looked at the computer system

I thought did I was losing my fucking mind but no they are inept

So now I have another stupid thing to deal with and my psychiatrist is like paranoid that I'm going to have horrible problems using medical marijuana and taking my anxiety medicine that I've taken most of my life and I know more about than probably most doctors at this point

I mean Doctor Todd knew the man that developed the drug. He was very cool. He broke down all the information about that medication to me. He checked me every single month when I would go in to have an appointment

There was never an issue.

Now klonopin I can't have that. That makes me violent and an absolute monster. And I completely lose my memory when I take it which I don't anymore.

And value volume never did a fucking thing for me except make me have the opposite reaction and rage like I was on steroids and it was bad

I mean we have tried everything medically to get a hold on my anxiety and you know what we all go back to every single time after the Doctor tries to take me off the medication and put me on all these other things that they think are going to fix me

They put me right back on the xanax because you know why because it fucking works

It may not work super duper strong but I am on a lower dose than I should be on

And I decided that I'm not going to fight my psychiatrist about that I have told him that when I was on 4 mg a day to take as needed that I did just fine And I was a lot less stressed out and I didn't talk like I talk now

I mean did you ever think that I might just be a fucking nervous wreck with ADHD and autism and complex PTSD and OCD and those are just all combined causing me problems and I'm in 2 flare-ups of 2 of those conditions at the same time and I'm being abused and I have a fucking nightmare neighbor

No I don't really think it's the personality disorder right now

I mean I was told by an expert that I do not have your classic little personality disorder she told me and she was one of the head people at the PTSD facility 4 veterans up North She fucking told me that it was a trash diagnosis and I did not have that she told me that I had been misdiagnosed and I had complex PTSD from severe abuse

And then Doctor Todd confirmed that

Because I had never told him about any of the abuse and horrible things that happened to me because I was just going there and being treated for severe anxiety and panic disorder which I do have and it is hell I can't even fucking sleep unless I take my medicine

Even if I do take my medicine I still have problems sleeping

Imagine there's little dreams you have right before you fall on just deep sleep where your whole body jumps because it feels like you're falling right

Well imagine that happening over and over and over and over again and being awake for 4 days straight until you flip out and your mother has to take you to the fucking hospital so they can diagnose you with something and solve your problem and then your dad finally agrees to send you back to your psychiatrist and pay for the appointment that you can't afford because you're paying him money for living at your friend's house

You know it's not like I didn't give my dad rent money or money in general throughout my life

Everybody thinks that I'm just trying to be dependent on my parents for money or trying to use them for money and I really don't fucking care about money that much other than we need it to survive

They literally get paranoid that I have some sort of ulterior motive

I get treated like a supervillain

I get treated like fucking dog shit on someone shoe

So of course I'm reactive of course I'm reactive abusive yeah I probably have a million things wrong with me you're probably right about everything let's just make all the therapists right let's just diagnose me with everything how about that

You know the darkness is I do have I am not trying to make excuses when I say oh that's probably what's causing this issue

That doesn't mean that I don't think that the issue can be helped

No some of it I really do not see the end of the rainbow with that

But some of it yes I can see that it can be helped

And nobody seems to think about the possible neurological things going on that aren't the other diagnosis

Like I've said I never wento a narrow psych and got evaluated because I can't fucking find one that takes medicaid that will treat me like a fucking Human instead of some sort of oddity

My entire life I was paraded in front of doctors till I got older and put a stop to that because I had a rare disorder and everybody wanted to see it and learn about it and touch me and look at my skin and then they put me on fucking steroids which made me fat and screwed up my thyroid and screwed up my growth and fucking triggered other problems and I don't even have hands that are normal sized for my frame

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the-firebird69 · 2 months

Video

youtube

Freya Ridings - Castles (Official Video)

We started this project and now we're not doing anything I want this to out of here the mental misfits all morning long they're running around yelling stupid **** at people as if they know everything and he said what are the diamonds for now they gonna lower them and they said we don't know and then I'm done anything so what I said to them is if this little boy wins he kind of deserves it you have no class trump no reason for trying to run for office nothing we can find probably don't have a chance of getting in because we hear what they're doing it's really a setup they know what is still keep going and hit your head on the wall quite literally I'm saying it too you're insane you want everything for wisp for hair it never happens that way I've never ever seen it this boy worked his internal life very carefully when huge progress giant concepts he easily leaves you in the dust with just one of them well I'm trying to say is we're irritants on purpose by Lord of the Max and you won't change and do the job and we're not gonna make it. These next two weeks we just keep losing like we are yeah they're hiring all our enemies and making allies and friends and we're losing them most of them are out the door already I'm telling you I don't want you to continue bothering him you're a seedless fruit you're a junkie and you're running around embarrassing me and humiliating me and harming me and yeah we don't have the AI we keep saying we do I don't wanna keep doing this **** **** it's for idiots this dumb stuff we're doing. I don't know where you picked it up but it's really stupid I don't wanna be near you you gotta drag me into your stupid crap I'm gonna keep beating you up I don't care anymore we're going down the train if you can only hear what the saying about us out loud to our face just here at once it keeps saying you're a piece of garbage in your trash wife you don't even listen or look up to what you're saying keep saying someone else is having them do it try and say you're not known as a hero you're known as some mooch who set the stage I'm hearing you didn't even do that you noticed you're threatening him this is gonna suck so bad we don't have a role here y'all know about it as you who doesn't know Trump I'm so sick of being the stupid **** little **** you are

sarah

I'm trying stuff they have some kind of death lock on me they have one on you and you haven't noticed you're sitting here berating us and him too and he says yeah you're so you're the precursor precursor for mary then Hera And they're saying it about us and they're saying it about his people and then it's what they want to try and do. They are obtuse to it you need to learn that and stop making fun of everybody else a big group is kicking the crap out of them was it doing it to you too.

trump

Yeah there's a few things you don't know about like you don't believe they're doing it to you and you keep saying it no you're delusional a lot of people think you aresarah

And why should I believe you this big group's going after us. They go out for everybody and what's with me in particular I'll tell you what I ran around saying the sleepy hollow story they have evidence and that's what it is and I don't know it everybody else knows it because they grab them and ask them and they see it on their computer whatever you for whatever reason they're doing it using me possibly because I'm the way I am possibly because I'm and here we go OK so yeah you're probably righttrump

we dont know for sure no we are told by mac proper your an ass trump all see it now

saraah

we dont take them on direct ok no i dont see it

trump

Shut your **** mouth we explain to you every single day lette rby letter word by word what is your problem you're an idiot.

macs

we dsee it is you so we dont get it thats ll

trump

you dont. we show you then. you die soon should know it ok a say it too

this man is unresonable adn nasty to us and all te time and is poor

macs

Olympus you may print this yes

good

Her

#youtube

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the-garbage-will-do-1138 · 9 months

Text

Another year gone

Tomorrow is a new year and I guess it’s my duty to give a life update so, here it goes.

January: I realized that the company I was working for was not one I wanted to stick with once I found out they had lied about the benefits package.

February: Taylor and I saw Footloose: The Musical at Beef & Boards

March: I celebrated my 30th birthday and it was a lot less terrifying than I thought it was gonna be.

April: Taylor and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary by driving to Cincinnati to see Lewis Capaldi in concert. It was such a good show and we were lucky to see him when we did. This turned out to be one of his last shows because of his medical issues making it more difficult for him to continue touring.

May: We celebrated Taylor’s 27th birthday

June: We just worked a lot.

July: We saw Taylor Swift in Cincinnati with some friends. It was an incredible experience that I’ll never forget.

Taylor’s dad passed away mid-July

The Barbie movie came out and is now one of my favorite movies I’ve ever seen

I was cast in and started rehearsal for my first Shakespeare play, Love’s Labour’s Lost, as Boyet.

August: We saw five different bands play in August. Amon Amarth, a Viking metal band opened for Ghost at the TCU Amphitheater and we were able to get barrier in the pit. Insane show where Taylor and I both got really sunburnt and heat sick but it was worth it. Two days later we drove back to Indy to the Ruoff Music Center and saw three bands I’ve loved since I was a teenager, Simple Plan, Sum 41, and The Offspring. Yet another incredible show. To finish out the month, Taylor and I were both cast in Creative Arts Councils production of “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.” It was Taylor’s first time ever acting in a play and I was really proud of her for stepping out of her comfort zone.

September: I performed in “Love’s Labour’s Lost” with Parlor City Shakespeare Company. We had three different performances and they all had a really good turnout. Right after finishing Shakespeare, rehearsals for Sleepy Hollow started.

We had another concert scheduled for the 22nd but Taylor wasn’t feeling well so we sold the tickets and stayed home. Then, September 26th happened. The most important day of my life was just a normal Tuesday for everybody else. While at work, Taylor still wasn’t feeling well and decided to take a pregnancy test during our lunch break. The results were literally instant and something we had tried for 5+ years and actually given up on had happened. Taylor was pregnant! (We didn’t go back to work that day)

October: My employer informed me that the company doesn’t give out raises so I tripled my efforts to find a new job.

We went to our first ultrasound and the baby looked like a seahorse. The pregnancy was confirmed by several doctors and it became very real.

We went to Beef & Boards again, this time joined by Bart, and saw “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.” I’ve seen dozens of shows by them and this was one of the best.

The last weekend of the month we had four performances of Sleepy Hollow and Taylor became a thespian

We officially announced the pregnancy to the world.

I took my one week of vacation and started a new job with actual benefits and a $3 pay raise. I never came back from my vacation. I texted my resignation to my boss because that was the level of respect they had earned from me and his response was “Good deal.” Good riddance.

November: November was spent with me getting the hang of my new job. I also cooked a 22lb Turkey for thanksgiving and it only took 6 hours and two mental break downs but it sure tasted good.

December: Had a work Christmas party and actually got enough (paid) time off to make this holiday season memorable. Our last Christmas as a family of two was one of our best.

All in all, 2023 has been one of the best years of my life. I’m still broke but it’s slowly getting better. I love my new job because I’m respected and I actually matter. I love my wife and family and am so excited to welcome our baby in May of 2024. If this is what life in your 30s is like, I’m glad to be out of my 20s. It gets better and I’m glad I’m here to experience it!

#happy new year #2024 #it gets better

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naomana · 2 years

Text

Looks like my blog is going into deep hole of limbo..again

I'm going to take this as sign to just give up for once and all

#Ffs Naomi stfu literally nobody cares #This is happening like once a week and literally everybody is sick of it #And sick of you

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theladyofbloodshed · 2 years

Note

Prompt-

(I'm imagining this fic a couple decades after your AU ACOSF story,not the Canon ACOSF but you can keep it however you like)

If you feel okay with doing a pregnancy related fic then-

Can you do one where Nesta is pregnant and very hormonal (like prone to crying or getting upset easily which is very OOC but I want the fluff and angst in this so) and Cassian is very overprotective of her and tries to make sure she never gets upset.So like one day when Cassian is away in Illyria and Nesta is staying at the River house for some reason maybe she is having some argument/conversation with Amren (cause she's basically fixed over issues with everyone except her so ig it will make sense for Amren to be there)or someone else (if you don't feel like writing Amren because understandably she's an annoying character) and she bursts out crying out of frustration or something ( cause hormones ) and then the rest of the IC tries to make her happy/calm her down cause if Cassian shows up and finds out that they upset her then he'll get really pissed of and pick a fight or something (cause protective male instincts) so it's just the whole of the IC ( excluding Cassian but literally everyone else partners and all) that is trying to comfort,soothe and downright beg Nesta to calm down and stop crying(Like Rhys gets involved and asks Amren or whoever she was arguing with to apologize cause he doesn't want to see her stressed and doesn't want to deal with Cassian lol).My idea is it ends with Cassian showing up and something happening (good or bad-whatever it takes for you to make this angsty or fluffy-as long as it has a happy ending imo).

Ofcourse you don't have to follow this to the exact request and you can steer completely away from it for all you want.The basic hormonal pregnancy concept is something I would love to see with Nesta since I feel like it will be such a shock for the IC to see her so open with emotions.

I set this at some point after AU ACOSF so it mentions Zasha and Rovena. Eris is also still buddies with Nesta.

Hope you enjoy pregnant and hormonal Nesta!

Pregnancy was hell. Feyre had birthed a cherubic baby boy weeks earlier and her entire pregnancy had been a breeze. Only in the final few weeks did Feyre’s pregnancy slow her down - and that had been at Rhys' insistence. From the back, she hadn’t even looked ten months pregnant.

Nesta wished the same could be said for her, but her own pregnancy was utterly horrendous.

She had entered month eight. Every single month had been plagued with morning sickness. And not just morning sickness, afternoon and night sickness too. The whole pregnancy, Nesta had felt as if she was at sea. The healers had run out of things to try. Nesta had even tried the old wives’ tales spouted by mortals with no luck. If she wasn’t vomiting, heart burn clawed at her chest. No position was comfortable. She couldn’t sit for long, couldn’t stand for long – and night time was filled with fitful tossing and turning. Every afternoon, her ankles had swollen like balloons and the gigantic bump she lugged around gave her terrible back ache.

Everybody blamed Cassian. If it wasn’t for his enormous size, the baby wouldn’t be the size of a small elephant.

‘I’d say they’re nearing ten pounds,’ Madja had said after their last appointment.

‘But I have two months left. It can’t grow anymore.’

The healer had shrugged then pointed at an uncharacteristically sheepish Cassian. ‘Have you seen the size of your mate?’

Despite getting her into this state, Cassian had been a stalwart support in every moment. He had doted on her constantly. He refused to allow her to do a single thing around the house. He had prepared the entire nursery, massaged her swollen feet, and got whatever food she had a sudden craving for. Once, he even flew all the way to the Autumn Court to purchase a single candy-covered apple for her. He did anything to ensure she didn’t cry.

Crying happened as much as vomiting. Nesta saw a child trip and bloody their knee in Windhaven, and she’d been the inconsolable one. Cassian had eaten the last stale biscuit after asking her three times if she wanted it then she burst into tears when he’d finished it; her body deciding it did want it after all. Being near baby Nyx was hell. If he started, Nesta sobbed. The sound of his cries made her milk leak so Nesta cried even more at her soggy dress.

Nobody knew what to do when she wept. They hadn’t gotten used to her hormonal state in eight months. Cassian was the only one who could soothe her fully. The pregnancy had brought them even closer. He’d only made he cry once in the last week, when he’d confiscated her salted pistachios and claimed too much salt was bad for her and the baby. He’d soon learnt never to take the food away.

Nesta spent the morning hugging the toilet then needed Cassian’s assistance to rise. She wore one of his tunics. Nothing much fit her these days. Everything was too tight or too uncomfortable. The steadily rising temperature of the summer made her miserable too.

‘Everything’s packed, sweetheart.’

Her lower lip wobbled. It had been agreed that they’d relocate to Velaris for the final few weeks. Nobody expected Nesta to reach full term anyway. Saying goodbye to the cabin even for a few weeks made her sniffle. Cassian brought her close and cuddled her.

It was not only Nesta whose emotions were on edge. There was nothing fiercer than a male with a heavily-pregnant, thoroughly miserable mate it seemed. When Nesta had been out of ear-shot, he’d argued with anybody over anything. If Rhys hadn’t moved his knee enough out of the way when Nesta moved past. If Mor hadn’t offered Nesta a fifth strawberry. If the wraiths cooked something that turned Nesta’s stomach. Elain had made a comment with no ill-intent about how different Feyre and Nesta’s pregnancies were. That was it. As soon as Nesta’s eyes had filled with tears, Cassian was on his feet ready to wage war for his mate against Elain of all people.

Azriel and Rhysand took it in turns to come to their cabin on the outskirts of Windhaven to spar with him. Mostly they ended up bloodied and beaten, but it helped to take the edge off Cassian’s temper. Usually, Azriel would escort his mother there so that Rovena could placate Nesta meanwhile. The Illyrian female would bring knitted blankets or toys, traditional Illyrian meals, or homemade remedies for all of Nesta’s ailments. She was the gentle mother that neither of them had, who always brought comfort and reassurance.

‘We won’t see Rovena.’

Cassian stroked her head. ‘It’s just a few weeks. We’re closer to the healers and our family.’

‘But Rovena’s our family,’ Nesta wailed. ‘And Zasha? He’s our first-born. We can’t just leave Illyria.’

Their dog would remain with Rovena for the time being – that had been another upset. Rhys was reluctant to let the ill-mannered, untrained hound into his elegant riverside estate, especially with his own new born son. Nesta had cried and protested that Zasha wasn’t an issue. Eris had offered to keep him a while, but the dog was bonded well with Rovena.

When Cassian’s brothers came to transport their belongings, Azriel asked if everything really was necessary. His eyes had lingered on Nesta’s weapons piled up by the door. She hadn’t managed any activity more than a slow walk around the garden in weeks and weeks.

‘It’s coming,’ Cassian growled. ‘Nesta wants it. It’s coming.’

As they settled into a floor of the vast river estate, various members of the inner circle helped move their furniture around and unpack for them. They had four blissful days together in the early summer sunshine then Cassian was sent on a mission to the mortal lands to meet with Jurian and Eris.

‘It’s only a few days,’ he promised.

Cassian had not been happy about the decision. He’d argued with Rhys over his selection when Nesta was so heavily pregnant. They still had a few weeks in theory, Cassian knew, but Nesta was ready to pop at any moment it seemed. There was no way around it. Only him or Rhys could go. Rhys had a baby to care for. Feyre’s pregnancy might have been a dream, but at least their son was proving to be the opposite. The fact was a balm to soothe Nesta. Cassian would whisper to her that they’d have an easy baby who slept all night. Nyx didn’t sleep. It was their fault for naming him after night. The pair of them were lucky if they managed two hours a night – and never solid. That fact was evidenced by Rhys throwing his full mug of tea into the bin and keeping hold of the tea strainer

‘But what if the baby comes.’

‘Rhys will bring me back. But the baby won’t come yet.’

‘I can’t do it without you,’ she pleaded, hooking her fingers into his. It always broke his heart when she began to cry, even if now Nesta cried if a spider was squashed.

‘And you won’t. Just a few days.’

It had taken almost an hour to prise himself out of her grip. Azriel had employed emergency diversion tactic number one and brought Gwyn for a visit. Nesta’s mood had brightened so Cassian swooped down for a kiss then was on his way before she could fully register his absence.

***

They had managed two days with no blubbering. Cassian was due back for dinner, thank the Mother. Azriel felt for Nesta, he really did, but they all trod on egg-shells around her. Where was the silver-eyed female who’d blazed with power? Washed away with all the wailing that happened. Mor had nearly set her off the previous night by asking if she missed Cassian. The whole room had tensed as Nesta sucked in a breath. They had employed emergency diversion tactic number two and a babbling baby Nyx was pressed to her chest. He hadn’t wanted to sleep anyway, Feyre had muttered.

It wasn’t the crying that was the worst bit. It was what followed Nesta’s tears. A male, full of rage and protectiveness, would come and bellow at them. It was like upsetting a cub and the big, daddy bear was lurking round the corner ready to rip their heads off.

‘It’s sweet.’

Azriel rolled his eyes at Gwyn in the garden. ‘I feel like a prisoner.’

‘Then keep your jailer happy.’

They did all they could to keep Nesta happy. She’d been taken for a slow plod around the garden by Lucien and Elain and sat now with her feet in a stream, drinking lemonade with a book. Azriel was glad he was not female. If he’d only seen Feyre’s pregnancy, he might have thought it was something magical. Nesta had opened his eyes to the horrors that came with bringing life into the world.

In the afternoon, their horror became a reality. Nesta’s cries rang out from the kitchen. Azriel surged there, his shadows carrying him quicker.

She clutched her handkerchief to her chest and sobbed.

‘I’m sorry. Please, don’t cry. I’m sorry,’ Varian said, trying to pull an arm around her.

Nesta stood rooted to the spot crying. Rhys was there, pushing Varian out of the way and putting his own arm around Nesta. Miraculously, she sunk into his touch.

‘What did you do to her?’

Amren threw up her hands. ‘It was a valid question.’

The male hung his head. ‘It was wrong of me. I’m so sorry.’

‘He asked me if was carrying twins. I look like a beached whale.’ Nesta let out a high-pitched whine.

‘You look beautiful, Nesta,’ said Gwyn. Mor nodded her head in agreement.

It only made Nesta cry harder. ‘You two are perfect. I look like I’ve swallowed a boulder. I haven’t seen my feet for weeks.’

Feyre bounced a red-faced, screaming Nyx on her hip. ‘I was the same, Nesta. It will pass.’

‘No, it won’t! You didn’t even look pregnant. I’m an elephant.’ Tears streaked her face. Her crying made Nyx cry.

‘It is an unnaturally large baby,’ Amren grimaced.

Rhys shushed her. ‘Pregnancy is a blessing, Nesta.’

‘You carry this gigantic bat then,’ she hissed.

It was at that moment that Elain and Lucien entered carrying groceries. One of those items hung over Lucien’s arm; a floppy-necked pheasant ready to be plucked.

‘Is that a dead bird?’

Lucien wasn’t quick enough to hide it behind his back.

Nobody could stop Nesta’s crying. No offers of cake or massages or future babysitting could slow the flood of tears. They all fussed about her, trying to get her into a chair and to drink a nice, cold lemonade again. One of Azriel’s shadows brushed against Nesta’s forehead to cool her down. The summer heat wasn’t helping things. Nesta was inconsolable at the thought of the bird being killed now.

Rhys suddenly froze. His face drained of colour.

‘Cassian’s coming.’

If they thought mention of her mate’s name might have improved the situation, they were sorely mistaken. They flapped around the kitchen, debating what to do. Amren and Varian fled as quickly as they could, knowing that they were most likely to be victims of the general’s ire. Lucien stashed the pheasant in a cupboard then Feyre yelled at him to get rid of it properly. Through it all, Rhys bounced Nyx in his lap, trying to get his son to stop crying, while keeping an arm around Nesta’s shoulders as he perched on the arm of the chair.

‘Should I bar the door?’ Azriel asked drily.

‘Like that will keep him out,’ Mor snorted.

‘Nesta, you have to stop crying,’ Elain whispered, clutching her sister’s hand. ‘If Cassian comes back and you’re crying, he’ll…’

None of them wanted to think about what Cassian would do. Nesta cried at everything and he’d fight them over it. Azriel had been banned from eating eggs because Nesta started crying thinking about them one day being chicks. Even when he had explained to Cassian that it was physically impossible for the eggs he ate to turn into chickens, Cassian had still enforced the ban.

They felt the tremor as Cassian landed on the front step.

‘Give me my son,’ Feyre had ordered before scurrying from the room with him.

Azriel gave a nod to Gwyn. Leave while you still can, he thought.

‘You’re not going anywhere. She’s your sister,’ Lucien said, catching Elain by the arm as she tried to flee. He pulled Elain in front of him and gave a twinkling smile.

‘Nesta, stop crying. I’ll give you anything. My entire bank account. Stop crying,’ Mor begged. ‘He’s coming now, just please stop crying.’

‘I can’t,’ she sniffed, dabbing at her face. ‘All I do is cry and vomit.’

The great shadow of Cassian loomed into the kitchen. The wraiths had the sense to vanish, dragging Azriel’s shadows with them.

He said nothing, merely looked at Nesta sobbing in the chair. He raised an eyebrow to Rhysand who leapt away from it. Each step towards his mate made the house quake.

‘Lucien brought a dead bird into the house,’ Mor said, throwing Lucien under the wagon.

‘You know she’s not eating meat,’ Cassian hissed, engulfing Nesta into a fierce embrace. ‘None of you should have meat in the house. You know this.’

Yes, they did, Azriel thought miserably. They couldn’t have meat or eggs because Nesta felt too guilty about the animals who suffered. No fish either. She’d gone off the smell of cinnamon. They weren’t allowed to drink because she couldn’t. It had to be said that Nesta never insisted on these rules; it was the overprotective nursemaid that puffed up his chest and set the commandments.

‘Varian asked if she was having twins,’ Lucien shot back, angling Elain so she was his shield.

‘He what?’

Nesta cried harder at the memory. ‘I’m huge.’

‘Where is Varian?’

They knew Cassian well enough to recognise the challenge in his voice. That low note always meant danger.

‘Do you know what, Cass? Since you work so hard, you can go on leave. You and Nesta deserve fun. Take as much time off as you want. I wanted to build you a house too. Here. Illyria. Both.’

The fearsome face of the general melted away as he turned back to Nesta. His wings spread out behind him, blocking her mostly from view. Azriel could still see a glimpse of Nesta as she wiped her tears with the back of her hand. She spoke Illyrian fluently now. Her accent gave her away, but only Azriel and Rhys could eavesdrop on the conversation.

‘Do you want to go back to Illyria?’

‘I just want this baby out of me. I’m so hot and miserable. I can’t sleep. They’ve been kicking me all day.’

Cassian’s massive hand rubbed Nesta’s stomach then she guided it to the side of her bump. The corners of his mouth ticked up as a foot met his palm then he said in a stern voice, ‘Stop hurting your mother.’

He rummaged for something in his bag then pulled out an apple on a stick drizzled in toffee. ‘From Eris.’

Nesta tore open the wrapping and crunched down on the sticky flesh. The moment the sugar touched her tongue, she let out a sigh of happiness. Cassian stroked her hair, glad his mate was at peace finally.

To them, still cowering in the kitchen, he mouthed, ‘Food. Always food.’

#nessian #pregnant nesta #nesta archeron #nesta x cassian #cassian #my writing

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forbidding-souda · 2 years

Note

Heya! I hope you are having a good week so far! Can I request Korekiyo who is going to propose to his fem s/o and how he would go about doing it? Also, if you can write details about their honeymoon, that would be wonderful. Thank you! 💖

Shinguuji Korekiyo proposing to his girlfriend

I have this one and another marriage request thing I'm going to do. I actually woke up early today because it's the rehersal thingy thang for my wedding so I get to see people yay yay. Some people are still flying late so it's like ok but. I also have therapy today lmfao it's so funny. wack ass schedule.

and imma be real ya'll i literally hahdnjfnedjf do not know how a normal person would react to being proposed to tbh I just smiled and kept staring at him for like 12 seconds trying to see if he was joking and when I deduced he wasn't it was literally just a "hell yeah" bc i'm sick and twisted.

✯✯✯✯✯

-Mod Souda

✯✯✯✯✯

He doesn't care about the proposal as much as he does the wedding. He has planned the wedding in his head since he was a child. And, to be fair, he does fully know that you are going to say yes. He doesn't worry about making it something impressive to you or making it something worth remembering, the wedding is what matters; it's all about the wedding. The one thing that he does put a lot of thought into is the ring.

✯ He will be traditional and have a yunio. A yunio is an engagement ceremony, and he knows much about them and their history (because of course he does), he had always wanted to partake in something like that and he is happy that now he has the opportunity. He can finally understand what the people he had studied for half of his life might have felt: the eternal reunion with the woman he loves the most. Beyond the cultural differences between his family in specific and yours, he will try his best to get them to unite somehow. He will use the money he receives to be able to get your family to be able to attend the yunio, as without them, it is nothing at all.

✯ You are semi new to the whole process. The culture is very reminiscent of other forms of weddings. He has combined aspects of many different ones to form the ideal thing he planned in his head. For the longest time, he forgot to ask you what you wanted. Once he gets your opinion, no matter how small, he makes sure to add it in. If he is bunching together all these different cultures, he can add in the respected things you want to include.

A tall room with gold pillars covering the vertex of the walls, velvet curtains covering the few windows, and the small black stage holding a glass podium is where you were when it happened. He loved bringing you to his museum openings -- they are the things that help him make a living with you (you think he likes showing you his Talent and the things that he can create with it, like when he reads you anthologies in form of his favorite past time).

He gave his small speech (he's given thousands of these) before showing off some of the artifacts the he donated and the translated, copied versions of ancient writings he has locked in his own private collection. You follow behind the crowd. You've heard of all of these things before.

His eyes went to yours very often. He was looking for you, he was looking to make sure you were still nearby.

Of course you were.

Why would you leave?

You let him talk to the people all night until finally, they all depart and examine individual artifacts while you step close to your boyfriend (their hearts are in different places while yours is always with his).

"This is a beautiful place," you smile at him. He stares at your face for awhile, noticeably so. He loves looking at you. He loves noticing things about you. Do you notice things about him?

He grabs your hand and spins you in your place. "Yes, but your beautiful is astounding."

"Maybe everybody should be basking over me."

"Perhaps," he hums. "As long as you promise to be mine."

"I do promise."

"You do?"

"I swear to do."

From behind his mask, his lips curl into a small smirk. His eyes glance up to the ceiling in concentration while his fingers fish for something within the internal pocket of his coat. "Such a brilliant coincident it is that you said that before quite frankly," he pulls out a small, velvet black box. "I had gotten this for you."

✯ The honeymoon all depends on where you are willing to go.

✯ Truly, he will take you anywhere in the world. Like literally, anywhere.

✯ And if you don't want to go anywhere special then that's perfect for him (but he will be renting out some sort of historic site, preferably with a garden, and he will be describing things about its history the entire time).

✯ He really does want there to be flowers all around you.

✯ Beyond culture, he does find flowers to be quite attractive in the lence of love.

✯ Japan holds a bunch of beautiful sites but he has no preference when it comes down to the fact that he had ideals about literally everything else about the wedding.

✯ You get 100% say in the honeymoon + the activities you two share during it. Sex or no sex? He doesn't care, both of you have an abiding future together.

✯ He actually doesn't consider this sex to be anything special or different from the hypothetical other times.

✯ Else, if it's the first time you two do something together, he will make sure to make you feel as if you have received a great reward from him (and that he has received a wonderful gift from you).

#korekiyo shinguji #korekiyo shinguji x reader #x reader #drv3 #danganronpa

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astaroth1357 · 3 years

Text

The Brothers Have Been Multiplied!!!

Lucifer

Look. In his day-to-day life, Lucifer has always had to struggle with being one of, if not the only, capable person in the room. His brothers don't always try to help him and even if they do their help may just make things worse…

So this should be a dream come true right? Not only does he have competent help, they'll all also himself! Who better to trust his more difficult tasks to, right? Right??

Well… wrong. Unfortunately for as much as Lucifer is, there is one thing Lucifer and his clones just aren't… Good minions.

Complain as he might about his brothers, they know who's in charge. As it turns out five Lucifers in a room can only screw in a lightbulb after they agree on who's giving the orders and being the "original" means nothing at all!

Poor MC gets saddled with mediating the most confusing squabbles in their life between Lucifer, Lucifer, Lucifer, Lucifer, and OG Lucifer (the name dubbed to him by Levi)

So aside from this being a trainwreck for anyone not named Diavolo (who's thrilled to have so many Lucifers to talk to!), it's also a headache for himself too!

The next week is spent with Lucifer literally arguing with himself over who's doing what while the brothers all cower in their rooms to keep from incurring their wrath… Five angry Lucifers is a sentence for certain death, somebody hide Mammon…

Mammon

Lucifer's worst nightmare has been realized… Not only does he live in a world with one Mammon, now there's five! Five!!! Five Mammons!! The world isn't ready for this, no one is!

Of course, a pack of Mammons absolutely get into as much trouble as you think they would. The moment he realized there was more of him, the secondborn was already scheming up what kind of ploys he could pull off with five of himself...

Barbatos is upping the Castle security as we speak...

To his credit, you can't say that the Mammon-squad doesn't have hustle either. It may be either a blessing or a curse to go to five different stores and see a Mammon working there all at the same time, depending on your preference.

(Unfortunately for the brother and anyone with pickpocket-able wallets, it's mostly a curse).

Honestly, the biggest downside for poor MC is that they're all. so. clingy!!

If the MC wants even a minute to themselves, they'll be swatting away Mammon's like a swarm of mosquitos! Better learn an invisibility spell quick, or else their greedy companions will never, ever leave…

Leviathan

Holy cow, it's a gamer's dream come true!! Screw underwhelming AI and goodbye unreliable party members, he has all the team he needs right here!! They should go national or even pro!!!

Ah yes, Levi was truly elated for like, a couple days over this development. Why shouldn't he be? Having a whole herd of himself was a blast!

They're all great at gaming, they like the same things, they dislike the same stuff, and (most importantly) he's not any better or worse than any one of them! There’s nothing to get jealous over, right?

Well slap a big fat wrong on that because there's one thing to always get jealous over and their name is MC!

MC could come home from class one day to find five Levi's all wanting them to do five different things and NO THEY'RE NOT SHARING-

Unfortunately for Levi, the poor guy is so prone to jealousy that he can't even cope with it when he's jealous of himself…

It is at least a little entertaining to watch a pile of otakus fight themselves, it's kind of like watching a deadly game of high-stakes LARP-ing. Just less imaginary spells and more giant sea monsters popping out of nowhere… Someone grab some sponges…

Satan

Which is more likely to rule the world, one Solomon or five Satans...?

Having five Satans around is kind of terrifying… Just one can scheme up a storm and cause a lot of damage so add on four others and you got a recipe for a bad time…

If you're Lucifer, anyway.

In truth, the band of Satans are all about as independent as their original counterpart, so they don't often do things together as a group.

This can create a lot of deja vu scenarios where the MC will swear they've already passed by a Satan in the hallway… like three times.

Unfortunately they also get the urge for affection around the same time, so the MC may go a whole day without seeing them then suddenly get surrounded by needy and bickering Satans at all sides...

When the pack does work together, however, they're a well-oiled machine. Capable, logical, practical: basically everything the Lucfier-squad wish they could be without all the pesky pride in the way!

… until someone ticks them off and they become their own angry mob, but hey, still better than a pack of Mammons.

Asmodeus

… We all know an orgy is happening right? Like, it may not be the first thing he thinks of, but it's on the list. He'd never pass up the chance to selfcest when possible. Never.

That being said, the Asmos actually get sick of each other surprisingly quickly… Only a few days in and they'll be squabbling like crazy!

Why you might ask? Well not for any particular character flaw or anything - it actually boils down to the clothes… and makeup… and face… and attitude... and-

Basically, how in Diavolo's Hell is he supposed to stand out as the world's most singularly beautiful creature if there are FOUR OTHERS that keep stealing his style?? It's a nightmare!!

It didn't take long for the Asmos to start trying to find their own, completely distinct identities like Goth Asmo, Sporty Asmo, Hipster Asmo, etc… All claiming to be WAY better than the original, of course.

As entertaining as it may be to see a bunch of Asmos go through an identity crisis, he wants them GONE and he wants them gone NOW!! He's blowing up Solomon's phone every hour of the day until it gets fixed so better sit tight for a while…

Beelzebub

You know, this is actually one of those, "Worst Case Scenarios" that Lucifer and Dia drew up shortly after they had their Fall: what does one do with five Beels exactly...?

You can't possibly feed them all, at least not all at once… and letting any one get too hungry is asking for trouble.

Do you let them run through the city streets and chomp up its citizens like a game of Pacman? Scatter them to other realms and hope that they don't do a ton of damage? Pit them against each other in "There-Can-Only-Be-One"-style gladiatorial combat??

Well… there isn't really a good solution. Food is still a finite resource but the Beels TRY to be understanding and TRY not to push their luck at mealtime...

It has varying degrees of success, but hey, it's sweet that they're even trying...

Aside from the ever-present threat of being eaten out of House and realm, everybody kind of likes having so many Beels around. They're easy-going and helpful, which generally makes life easier for everyone and like… it's Beel. Who doesn't like hanging out with Beel?

The Beels even get along with each other so they regularly go to the gym and games together. Though it’s not super sportsmanly to switch out Beels between quarters in fangol, it's not technically against any rules either so the past few games have gone very well! (It's he'll, who even reads the rulebook anyway?)

Belphegor

It actually took a little while to notice that there were even two Belphies, let alone five…

MC would walk into a room and see a Belphie sleeping on the couch. Perfectly normal.

Then, they'd go into another a few minutes later to see Belphie napping a chair… A little off, but still okay.

Well sure, but in the next room he's also apparently on the floor too and….

Wait a minute.

Turns out five Belphies is either a breeze to deal with or absolute hell and there's no in between.

If they're all asleep, things are fine. Just artfully pile them on top of each other like dead bodies in a stealth game and move on.

If they're awake, then there's just way too much Belphie! And they play off each other in just the worse ways… The Anti-Lucifer League has never been so active, much to his brother's dismay...

This can be mitigated slightly by pawning a few off on Beel (who is more than happy to mind his duplicated twin) but that solution doesn't work forever…

Moreover, the MC can't sleep anywhere without them all gravitating towards them so even the shortest nap results in waking up under a dogpile of cow-men… It's a wonder they don't suffocate...

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me headcanons

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wicked-mind · 3 years

Text

Promises

Summary: You have been in a relationship with Bucky and Steve for a while and it’s been great. Until they start to get reckless on missions, expecting you to just heal them with your healing ability when they get back. What they weren’t expecting is for you to lose your shit about it.

Word Count: 2.9k

Warnings: Swearing, injuries, mentions of hospital type stuff.

Note: This was an anonymous request (: Thank you so much for sending it in and I hope you like it!

All Writings Masterlist

Any and all likes, comments, and reblogs are deeply appreciated! I love that shit (:

*gifs not mine

Dating two super soldiers was a little problematic at first. It took the Avengers less time to get used to the idea than it did for the public though. There were countless news articles about you being manipulative, wrapping them around your fingers for your own gain. But just as quickly as that gossip started, it faded away also when pictures were released how happy the three of you were together. It was odd, sure, but you, Steve, and Bucky loved each other more than anything in the world. The three of you even were gifted an apartment in the facility so everybody else didn’t have to hear the noises that came from one of your three bedrooms.

Steve was what you would classify as the gentle but hard headed one. He always made sure to touch you so gently and keep his voice from being raised or going into captain mode around you. He loved to press his nose to yours, staring into your eyes with a smile as he ran his fingers through your hair and whispered sweet things to you but once he made up his mind about something there was no deterring him. Bucky was a little different. He was more possessive of you, touching you and pulling you into his body whenever he could like your touch was the only thing keeping him alive. He was the same way with Steve though, seeming to need the touch from his two lovers to survive. You figured it was because of all his time with Hydra that he was touch starved and possessive of having something, two someones, he could call his again.

The Avengers kept your around for another reason, however. You had the ability to heal wounds of those you touched which came in useful when someone on the team came back injured and needed some sort of quick fix and was even more useful when someone happened to be come back with life threatening wounds. At first you were happy to help, healing wounds of whoever came in but then it started to eat away at you. Steve and Bucky were becoming more and more reckless with every mission they went on like they didn’t care if they came back mortally wounded knowing you’d be there to heal them back up. It had begun to eat at you, watching them leave for a mission and not knowing if they would make it back in time for you to save them.

This time was no different. You tried to tell them to be safe before they left and they both smiled and gave you kisses saying they would. They almost caught you murmuring ‘liars’ under your voice but seemed to let it go. Steve and Bucky had gone on a mission with Natasha and Clint earlier in the week and about twenty minutes ago Natasha called to let you know to be ready in the medical bay. You had your arms folded, chewing on your bottom lip. As awful as it sounded, you hoped it was Clint that needed help and not your boys again. But of course, it wasn’t Clint. Steve and Bucky were rolled into the medical bay by Natasha and Clint on gurneys and you immediately jumped into action, “What happened?” You ask as you looked over Bucky. He had some deep cuts to his face and back of his head, he was fully unconscious and unresponsive when you pinched his arm meaning he was probably in a coma.

“Well that one decided it’d be a good idea to run into a collapsing building after the enemy.” Natasha said as she nodded over to Bucky, “Had to dig him out.”

“And Steve?” You ask as you move to look at Steve. He was unconscious as well and his suite had a large splotch of blood in the center of his chest. You quickly put the heart monitor on his finger to see his heart rate slowing.

“That one is the reason the building collapsed in the first place. He decided to take on the whole squad of goons, setting off an explosive and getting hit with the shrapnel.”

You were about to open your mouth to call them both idiots when Steve’s heart monitor started flatlining, “Dammit!” You yell, ripping his suite open and placing your hands on the wounds. They slowly healed but his heart wouldn’t start beating again. You went into panic mode, needing to be closer to his heart to heal it. You grab the closet scalpel and quickly opened up his chest, sliding your small hand into his chest cavity until you were lightly massaging his heart and healing it with your ability. You watched the heart monitor for any sign of beats for two minutes until finally it started a steady rhythm. You pulled your now bloody hand out of his chest cavity, tracing along the open wound you made until it healed. You could swear you could feel steam coming out of your ears at how angry you were at your two super soldiers for being the biggest, most reckless idiots in the world. Once Steve was taken care of, you go over to Bucky and start healing the wounds on his body before placing both hands on the sides of his head, healing the concussion and brain bleed that was putting him in a coma.

Once you were finished, you pinched him again and he flinched, his eyes opening to look up at you and a small smile creeping across his lips a the sight of you, “Hey, pretty girl.” He said horsely out to you.

You held up your hand to cut him off, stepping away from him, “Save it, Barnes.” You hiss out, watching him flinch a little as you used his last name. You never did that except when you were fuming with anger, “I’m going to go get cleaned up now. When he wakes up,” You said pointing over to Steve, “You can let him know you two will be staying on the couch.”

“But we don’t fit on the couch.” Bucky pouted, sitting up as he watched you head towards the exit of the medical bay, “Wait, baby!”

You turn and look at him, glaring into those beautiful blue eyes you loved so much, “Don’t! I don’t give a fuck if you two don’t fit on the couch. Figure it out!” You yell at him, tears stinging your eyes before you turn and leave the room.

Bucky sat there with a shocked expression on his face before turning to look at Natasha and Clint who were looking anywhere else like they were trying to disappear from the conversation. Bucky was about to ask the pair what happened when Steve groaned awake muttering something about watching your language. Bucky was up in an instant and at Steve’s side, grabbing onto his hand and kissing his knuckles, “You alright, Stevie?”

Steve blinks awake and nods with a small groan, “Yeah, all good, Buck.” He said, reaching his other hand to rub the side of his head before looking around the medical bay for you, “Where’s Y/N?” He asks.

Bucky sighs and drops his head, “I think she’s mad at us. She said we have to sleep on the couch.” He muttered out.

“What?!” Steve said, sitting up instantly, “Why? What did we do?”

“Oh I don’t know.” Natasha said interjecting, “Maybe it’s the fact that you,” She points to Steve, “Decided to be the trigger for an explosion causing you to literally die for a few minutes in front of her. Or you,” She points to Bucky, “Deciding to follow into the collapsing building causing you to go into a coma. I mean, do you guys really not care anymore about safety because your girlfriend happens to be a healer? She can’t heal you if your dead.” Natasha turns on her heels to start walking out of the medical bay with Clint beside her, “You’re lucky she loves you two idiots and is giving you the couch. I would leave you two out in the rain.”

After showering and changing their clothes to look presentable to their pissed off girlfriend, Bucky and Steve walked over to the closed bedroom door. They could hear her inside watching something on the TV loudly to try and cover her cries but it wasn’t enough to drown them out from the super soldiers’ hearing. Steve was the first to try, knocking gently on the door, “Sweetheart, can we talk?”

“No. Couch.” You reply softly, knowing they could hear you. You pulled the blankets around you more, the only light flickering from the TV as it played some dumb love reality show that wasn’t exactly helping your situation.

Bucky nudges Steve out of the way and tries the doorknob but the door was locked and he let out a sigh, “Baby, I know we made you mad but we want to talk about it. We don’t fit on the couch.”

“Fine.” You groan, throwing the blanket off of you and walking over to the door, unlocking the knob and opening it to see them both towering over you at the entrance of the door. Your eyes flickered between them before you pushed past them headed to the kitchen to grab yourself a water bottle. The two muscular men followed you like lost puppies, hot on your heels as they waited for you to say something. You took a long drink from the water bottle you procured from the fridge, leaning against the counter and looking at the two.

Steve looked over at Bucky, slowly reaching out and lacing his fingers through his to have some sort of comfort from your glares. He slowly looked back over to you, “Honey, I know you’re mad that we were reckless this mission but we will be more careful and-“

You held up a hand to cut him off, licking your lips before you spoke, “Stop.” You told him, “I’ve heard this before plenty of times. ‘Oh we won’t be reckless.’ ‘Oh don’t worry we are super soldiers’ ‘You’re here to heal us every time.’ Well I am sick of it. You have no idea what it’s like to watch the loves of your lives literally be brought back from death by your own hand!” You yell, your voice getting louder and tears stinging your eyes again, “You were dead Steve! I held your unbeating heart in my hand!” You turn your gaze to Bucky, “And you! You decide to go along with Captain Reckless over here, not even telling him that maybe it’s a bad idea. That maybe setting off an explosion that would burry you both is a bad idea.” You shook your head, taking a deep breath in attempts to calm your voice.

Bucky gripped onto Steve’s hand tighter at your words that felt like venom in his veins, “We were doing our jobs, Y/N. We couldn’t let them get away we had to at least try to-“

“Stop. Talking.” You hiss out to the dark haired super soldier who immediately shut his mouth and had this look on his face like a scolded child, “You two promised me forever. You two told me you love me. You two told me you’d be here with me forever.” You pause, tears running down your cheeks and you stepped away when they took a step forward to comfort you as they always did, “You shouldn’t have promised me any of that. You shouldn’t have promised me forever if you two are so hell bent on dying.”

Steve and Bucky stood there in shock at your words. Neither of them have thought about the toll this had taken on you. They stared at you for a moment before watching you escape back to the bedroom. It wasn’t until the door slammed and locked that the two soldiers jumped out of their trance. Bucky folded first, his hands coming up to cover his face as his shoulders shook from the crying. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky slowly, comforting him with soft sweet words. They didn’t fight you about sleeping on the couch that night, even though it was pretty much a shoving war of who could get the comfiest on the couch that was way too small for both of their six foot tall muscular bodies. It ended up with both of them just sleeping on the floor, curled up next to each other. But it felt wrong for both of them. Something was missing from their sleeping pile and they knew exactly what it was. You.

The next morning you laid in the large bed alone in the middle, staring at the ceiling as you listened for any sounds coming from your super soldiers outside the bedroom. When it was silent for about twenty minutes, you slowly walked out of the bedroom expecting to see them hovering outside the door waiting for you but they weren’t there. You let out a small sigh of relief and started your day. You showered, had some breakfast, brushed your teeth, and got dressed before heading to the medical bay to go over your records. Luckily, Steve and Bucky seemed to be keeping their distance from you because you hadn’t seen them all day while you were working. You halfway wondered if they just went on another mission without saying goodbye this time but you knew better and so did they. You three never parted without saying goodbye and I love you to each other. It wasn’t until you wondered back up to your apartment in the facility that you stopped in your tracks after opening the door. There the two were, dressed in nice button down shirts and each holding bouquets of your favorite flowers. You bit your bottom lip as the door shut behind you with a soft click, staring at the two before your eyes wondered around the room. The lighting was dimmed and you could see the table set for three with plates of your favorite dinner on them and one of Bucky’s apple pies he had learned to make from his ma when he was younger. It was one of your favorites and they both knew it always made you smile and press your lips together as you let out a soft mmm sound that seemed to drive them both feral. Your eyes flickered back to the two as Bucky started to speak.

“Baby, we are very sorry for not thinking about how this affects you and taking your ability for granted.” Bucky said softly to you, walking forward and passing you the bouquet of flowers to you before sneaking his arm around your waist and leaving a soft kiss to your left temple.

Steve walked forward as well, giving you his bouquet to you before reaching a hand up to touch your cheek with his warm palm, “We love you so much, sweetheart. We never wanted to hurt you like this and we are so very, deeply, sorry.” He kisses your forehead gently before pulling away to look into your eyes with his honest ones, “We’re taking some time away from missions, as long as we need to prove that we do want you forever. When we made those promises to you, we meant it with every fiber of our being. You complete us, sweetheart. We don’t know what we would do without you.”

You chewed on your bottom lip incessantly at their words, knowing it would be raw and puffy by the time you released it from your teeth. Once you did you sighed, you couldn’t stay mad at them. Not when they looked so good and made amends to you to keep the promises they made to you at the beginning of the relationship. You nod slowly, “Fine. I forgive you two idiots as long as you both promise to not be reckless. Come back to me in one piece, alive and not mortally wounded. Deal?” You watched them both nod instantly with streams of yes leaving their lips before moving past them to set the flowers down in the vases they had already prepared with water. When you turned to face them, there they were standing in front of you.

Bucky reached out and wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest in a tight hug as if he hadn’t hugged you in years, “I love you, baby.” He whispers to you.

Steve moved behind you, wrapping his arms around Bucky in front of you to sandwich you between them in the tightest hug you’ve felt in a while, “I love both of you.” He says with a smile, kissing the top of your head before kissing the top of Bucky’s as well.

“I love you idiots, too.” You squeak out between their tight hug, “But I think I’m losing air and I want some pie.”

Bucky sighs, not wanting the hug to end, “Fine. But I’m spoon feeding it to you.” He said down to you with a smile as Steve releases the both of you and Bucky steps back away.

Steve grins, “And I’ll spoon feed you.” He said to Bucky.

__________________________________________________________

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not-me-simping-for-blasty · 4 years

Text

another helping of living w/ bakugou thoughts:

pls i am so sorry, i feel like i bombard y’all with these constantly, but u don’t understand, he literally lives in my brain full time

- if you’re rolling your sleeves up, to wash your hands before dinner, he’ll whack your hands away and do it himself. very much “you’re takin’ too long, idiot. i wanna eat already. let me do it.”,, don’t be fooled tho, you could do it in 2.5 seconds and he’d still open his mouth. bc it has absolutely nothing to do with u and everything to do with him wanting to be close to you

-ik he watches the mha equivalent of the history channel. i just know it. dude is a grandpa at heart, n im so confident he would 100% sit down and watch a 3 hr docu on like, old weaponry or some nerdy shit

-bakugou is annoyingly arrogant, but only about things that don’t matter. like, he’ll fully sit in front of you and tell you he’s stronger/faster/smarter in passing conversation,, but when he does actually impressive shit??? the man clams up. absolutely clams up the second you praise him, trying to brush off whatever ridiculous feat he just pulled to protect u with a “It’s not that big a deal, shut up about it already, dumbass.”

- pls mans is an absolute simp. u ask him to do something and he’s on his feet in a second. ofc he’s complaining but he’s also then following that up by doing things you didn’t even ask him to do. fan behavior honestly.

-when you’ve had a bad day, he’ll make u food and throw blankets in the dryer for u. don’t expect much verbal comforting from him, bc obviously, but he’s pretty good with actions. you always feel a little warmer after he’s wrapped you in a blanket n fed you something ungodly spicy

- i have absolutely no basis for this but ik he secretly watches kids movies. like, if it’s animated then he’s there. ofc no one is allowed to find out about this ‘embarrassing’ behavior tho, except maybe you. maybe. if you accidentally happen to see it bc he’d never tell u himself.

- he’s a beast to wake up in the morning, but he’s a lot more easy to convince if u pet his hair. or rub his back/shoulders. maybe even kiss his neck. look, u cannot tell me that he doesn’t want to be absolutely coddled in the morning- especially when he can get away with it so easily.

-bakugou always pulls ur legs into his lap if u sit down next to him. pls he’s so weird, he’ll just like, tap his fingers on ur calves absentmindedly while he’s watching tv

-he probably created a playlist of songs ur ‘allowed’ to play around him. meaning, it’s only the songs on ur phone that he likes 🙄

-bakugou always takes his work phone calls outside. like if his phone rings he’ll just stand up n walk tf out the door to take it. even if it’s cold. u ask him once about it n he just “Work stays at work. This is my fuckin’ home. Now shut up about it already.”

-you’ve never once seen this man wearing socks around the house. don’t ask me, i cannot explain this whatsoever, but i just kno this man walks around constantly barefoot 🤢🤮 unfortunately.

-he’s like, the most functional person ever in almost every aspect, but the stuff katsuki is bad at?? pls he is hopelessly bad. like, lets say art stuff. omg he just doesnt have the patience for it, okay, so say goodbye to any dreams of cute lil couple’s crafts. like, he’ll sit there while u do yours, but his will look like utter shit

- during the week, katsuki is either at work, training, or at home. pls, he works so hard during the day that i highly doubt he’s anything but an absolute homebody during the work week.

- bakugou gets pissy if u re-arrange any of the furniture on a whim. pls he likes comfort and familiarity n if he stubs his toe on the stupid coffee table one more fucking time, he’s going to scream

-its a rare occurance,, especially bc of the crazy hours he works,, but bakugou rlly likes making dinner for u to come home to. he just likes to feel like he’s taking care of u tbh

-he still goes to bed at like 8:30. or thats what u think, but rlly he just goes to sit in your room and have some time to himself for a bit. as much as he loves u, he prob still needs some alone time to recharge

-bakugou takes meticulous care of any plants u have in the house. like he’ll water them on a strict-ass schedule, n preen them when necessary. pls the way he’ll curse them out if they even dare to wilt under his care?? very much “What the hell, you bitch? ‘m doin’ everything fuckin’ perfect! Grow already!”

-katsuki is such a little bitch when he’s sick. he’ll be running like a 103 temp, brain literally melting, and still trying to get up and work out. the only way u can get him to chill the hell out is if u take a nap with him. ofc that means u always get sick too,, but hey- lil sacrifices right??

-he never lets you get the door. like, if there’s a knock n neither of u knows who it could be,, pls he’s on his feet so fast. waving u away n looking thru the keyhole w/ sm suspicion

-he has his spot on the couch, n u will not find him sitting anywhere else. like, that’s his spot. u better pray for anybody who mistakenly takes it

-bakugou doesn’t like dirt or grime, so he won’t allow you or himself, to sit on your bed with clothes that have been outside. like, even if you’re just sitting on top of the covers, he’s gonna throw a fit and demand you change your clothes first bc “No way in hell am I gonna let your dumbass dirty up my bed.”

-katsuki rlly likes when it storms outside. he’ll go sit in front of the window and watch the rain, sipping on a warm drink while he waits for more thunder.

-living with bakugou is incredibly frustrating, bc he’ll just show up with new skills all of the goddamn time. like you’ll be like, “hmm i’d love to remodel the bathroom someday”,, and the very next weekend bakugou is meticulously re-tiling the bathroom floor by hand, probably also painting the walls in a new color, maybe even installing a new sink just to spruce it up. n then he’ll just present the entirely new, upgraded room with such weird nonchalance that it pisses u off. pls and if you watch him while he does these little projects, with all the weird precision and skill he suddenly gains?? pls you’re sure he must be possessed by the ghost of a craftsman

- when he hangs out with the bakusquad, he’ll drag you along every time. he expects you to sit with him the entire time and act as a social buffer?? basically, someone’ll ask him a question, one he deems stupid and therefore not worth answering, and bakugou will just look at you expectantly. he’ll just stare at you blankly, hardly even blinking until you pick up the slack and answer for him. you call him out on this many times, but it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t change anything. he does this over and over and over again

-bakugou gets really unsettled when you guys fight. like, he can’t sleep and he’s snapping at everybody, and is somehow more aggressive than usual. he always wants to just make up already, but the pride in the way won’t allow it

-he’s a weird stickler about intended furniture functionality?? like, the table is for eating, and the couch is for watching tv, and then only way you’re gonna get him to mix the two is if you ask him rlly rlly nicely

-finally- i have no basis for this one, but ik it in my heart: bakugou has a very intense fight with your thermostat nearly every single day. he swears up and down that it never ‘behaves’ for him, but every time you check it, it’s working perfectly fine

--/--

ahahhaa sorry y’all for the super random spam today,, but here were are back to our regularly scheduled bakugou programming,,,, bc idk if it’s obvious ur honor, but i love him

#bnha bakugou #mha bakugou #bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugou #bakugou x reader #bakugou x y/n #bakugou x self insert #bakugou hcs #bakugou headcannons #bakugou fluff #bnha fic #mha fic #mha headcannons #bnha headcannons

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