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#WIZARD. FROG. EATING YOU
saltpepperbeard · 1 year
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Our Flag Means Death + Bot Description Generator 
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incorrectbatfam · 6 months
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On the subject of Damian and the axolotl, I feel like people do send him pictures of animals and stuff and he gives a rating, idk tho
Stranger: I thought you'd like to know that Lacey had her puppies. *sends a pic*
Damian: For once, a mother who should be proud. 10/10.
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Stranger: *sends a derpy cat pic* This is my cat Momo, short for Movie-Theater Mozzarella-Sticks. He just turned 3 and likes to eat pillow feathers.
Damian: Truly the cat of all time. 10/10.
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Stranger: I think I saw Krypto the Superdog on my way to work. *sends blurry video of Krypto flying*
Damian: There goes Metropolis's hero. 10/10.
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Stranger: *sends a pic of a lizard in a pointy hat* This is King Gizzard, my lizard, as a wizard for Halloween.
Damian: I would give him all my candy. 10/10.
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Stranger: *sends a video of their parrot*
The parrot: Polly loves crackers and Damian.
Damian: Tell Polly I love her too. 10/10.
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Stranger: Bruh there are so many gophers at Gotham U. *sends pic of gophers chilling in the quad*
Damian: 10/10. Good for them, living their best life.
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Stranger: Do fish count? If so here's Bubbles. *sends video of a goldfish*
Damian: They absolutely do. 10/10.
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Stranger: I went to my aunt's farm and got to ride the horses. Meet Dash. *sends Instagram story with a horse*
Damian: A fine specimen. 10/10.
———————
Stranger: Opinions on this stingray? *sends scuba diving footage*
Damian: Superb. 10/10.
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Stranger: I found a worm. What should I name him? *sends pic*
Damian: He looks like a Kevin. 10/10.
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Stranger: This is me and my stepdad with the hens we've been raising. *sends pic*
Damian: What lovely ladies. 10/10.
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Stranger: I went to a butterfly garden today. *sends video of a butterfly landing on their hand*
Damian: Stunning. 10/10.
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Stranger: I just got back from a safari. *sends album of savannah herds*
Damian: Next time take me with you. 10/10.
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Stranger: *sends a Ratatouille GIF*
Damian: Don't tell my family but I'm training my rats to do the same. 10/10 by the way.
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Stranger: This is Herbie, our class bunny. *sends a pic with the teacher fumbling in the background*
Damian: He looks more intelligent than your teacher. 10/10.
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Stranger: *sends pic* Got bored and bought a frog. I'm naming him Toad.
Damian: I hope your life is as dull as ever. 10/10.
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Stranger: Tzu Tzu keeps leaving her laundry everywhere. *sends video of a snake shedding its skin*
Damian: You're her assistant. Do your job. 10/10.
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Stranger: I finally got a hamster!! *sends video*
Damian: Now treat them like royalty and get yourself some tubing. 10/10.
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Stranger: Ideas for decorating my hermit crab's shell? For context his name is Juan and he likes the color yellow. *sends pic*
Damian: I suggest black and gold. 10/10.
———————
Stranger: I saw a turtle on my morning walk. *sends a pic*
Damian: Ethereal. 10/10.
———————
Bruce: *sends a family photo*
Damian: *blocks and reports*
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none-of-your-biscuits · 6 months
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Being a wizard when you have a dog would absolutely suck. You would be like yes my bucket of lizards. For my spells and mixtures. And your dog would get fur and drool all over them and make them unusable. You'd be like I need to leave this vat of blue to finish cooking and ur dog would be like. What if I rush in suddenly and send you crashing directly in and now you're a frog and you have to hide from your dog until she gets bored and then make the fucking cure as a frog. Ur trying to just do your fucking wizard work and ur dog is. Mother I crave paper. And eats your whole 18th volume spell book. Fucking chews up your wizard hat
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chocolate frog terrarium || theodore nott x reader
a/n: WARNING: ur a HUFFLEPUFF GIRL and now you have made-up siblings lol the chocolate frog thing was something i thought of a while ago and i think it’s funny. and i played hogwarts legacy so i have to reference it <3
to say that theodore was nervous about the date was an understatement. he was overwrought and maybe even querulous (thank you thesaurus.com). he didn't know what to wear and he was worried that his hair looked stupid. eventually he decided he looked as good as he was going to and left to meet (y/n) in the bell tower courtyard.
when he made it outside he saw her waiting by the fountain. she was conjuring three little yellow canaries, a spell they had recently learned in mcgonagall's class. when she saw him walking towards her she waved her wand and all of the birds disappeared.
"theo, you made it!" she walked towards him, grinning widely.
"you didn't think i'd show?" he pretends to be offended. "i see you've mastered the avis charm?" he watches as a few yellow feathers fall to the ground at her feet.
"truly i was worried you and malfoy were having me on..." she trailed off before quickly pivoting to a brighter topic. "are you ready to go?"
"yeah let's get going," he offers his arm and she takes it, looping hers through his.
they make small talk as they walk across the rickety bridge and all the way to hogsmeade, talking about everything from potions class to what they think harry potter will manage to do before this year is up. they also make a brief pitstop at the puffskein den on the way to the village ("they're so cute, let's just look at them for a second!").
"where do you want to go first?" theo asked as the both of them entered the wizard village.
"honeyduke's," (y/n) answered immediately.
"that was quick," theo teased her, but still led them to the candy store.
as they walk around together theo watches as she examines almost everything in the store.
"what's your favorite thing in here?" she asks him while still perusing the shelves.
he thinks for a minute before answering, "probably...every-flavor beans."
"are you a sociopath or something?" she asked with mock-seriousness. "i can't eat those. ever since i got a dragon dung flavored bean." she shivered at the memory.
he laughed loudly, "i've never got one like that...what's your favorite?"
she picks up a chocolate frog and holds it up to theo, suddenly laughing lightly at something.
"you know i come from a muggle family, right?" she asked, tilting her head at him. he nodded, so she continued. "i bought one of these for my brother one time, and when it jumped out he thought it was a real frog, so he set up a little habitat for it and kept it as a pet."
"how long did it stick around?" theo asked, genuinely curious as he had never left a chocolate frog open and uneaten for longer than five minutes.
"a day, then it melted under the heat lamp," she chuckled, putting the chocolate frog back. "i wish you could have seen his face when he found his brand new pet frog melted in his tank."
"i've always wondered how muggles would react to all of these different candies," theo said, imagining the scene of a boy finding his new pet as a melted chocolate blob.
"don't get me started on my sister," she rolled her eyes before continuing, "she tries to talk to the cards. she has a crush on her gilderoy lockhart card."
"so you've exposed your muggle family to the wizarding world as well?" he asked.
"yes," she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "i think it would be rather selfish to keep all of this to myself."
"did your parents freak out when they found out?"
"oh yes, my mom nearly lost it when i made a worm grow to, like, double its size."
"i would too, that sounds vile," he scrunched his nose up at the thought of a fat fucking earthworm.
(y/n) grabs two chocolate frogs and a box of fizzing whizbees before going to the counter to pay. before she could even get her coin purse open, theo had already given the cashier enough money to cover it.
“you didn’t have to do that,” she frowned.
“i wanted to impress you,” he shrugged.
she rolled her eyes before offering him one of the frogs. they both opened them, caught them, and began eating them.
“what card did you get?” she asked, peering over his shoulder to see.
“fig,” he said unenthusiastically. “i have like eight of him already. who did you get?”
“ooh! i got mcgonagall! i don’t have her yet!” she said excitedly, pocketing the card. “i don’t have fig though….”
she side-eyed him in hopes that he would hand over the card. which he did. he didn’t need a ninth eleazar fig.
they started their walk back to the castle shortly after this. shyly brushing hands until theo made the move to fully hold her hand. he walked her down to the hufflepuff common room where he found himself sad to part ways.
“i had a really nice time today theo…” (y/n) said shyly, looking down at her feet. “we should do this again sometime.”
“yeah definitely! i had a great time too,” he smiled down at her softly.
he was wracking his brain, trying to think of something NORMAL to say, when she stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek.
“goodnight theo,” she smiled softly and went into her common room.
he smiled as he turned around to walk to the dungeons. when he made it to his dorm, malfoy and mattheo (yep he’s here IM SORRY) were waiting for him.
“how’d it go mate?” mattheo asked, smirking at theo.
“it was really great,” theo answered earnestly, too giddy to say something cool and nonchalant.
“that’s just adorable,” malfoy cooed at him.
“shut up…” theo rubbed the back of neck, before plotting with the boys on how to ask (y/n) out again.
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applinsandoranges · 1 month
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Happy Valentine's Day, friends!
I love you all. 💕
I wasn't planning on writing anything for today, but I woke up this morning and decided to bang out a quick little V-Day drabble.
Not proof-read, barely edited, and based off the silliest little last minute idea.
I just picture Sebastian and MC interacting like:
Sebastian: You're incredible, I love you so much.
MC: Haha omg thanks ily too bestie
And Seb is convinced they are in love and MC thinks he's just the bees knees best friend she's ever had.
Roughly ~2,700 words
Summary: Sebastian and MC skip class and the chaos of Valentine's Day to enjoy the relaxation of Hogsmeade. MC believes it to be another normal day with her best friend, but Sebastian views the situation quite a bit differently...
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Never Any Doubt
Valentine's Day at Hogwarts was always synonymous with chaos - even more so for its most famous student.
The very worst day, very worst several months, actually, of her life had been viewed through the scope of achievement heroism by the rest of the wizarding world. Rather than the most traumatic event in all her years, she received sparse few sympathetic words and instead suffered through congratulations.
Worse still were the marriage proposals.
Letter after letter poured in regularly each and every meal without fail, her peers always casting a curious glance to see which family was requesting a new daughter-in-law that day.
It was mortifying and insulting and exhausting.
Her poor owl had even long since grown weary of sending rejection replies.
Her initially polite responses of -
I'd simply like to focus on my studies for now, no thank you, but I am flattered by your consideration.
Eventually morphed into increasingly curt answers, like -
No.
And finally -
Respectfully, I would sooner lick troll dung than sign my name to your family registry.
Replies in the latter manner generally received Howlers in response, and no one was more gleeful about those incidents than the only boy who was not a perpetual thorn in her side.
At least not in the romantic sense, because he was still a pain in the ass.
Sebastian Sallow, presently seated across from her at a back table inside Mrs. Steepley's tea shop was making a poor attempt at stifling his snickers at her unending plight. The infamous day of romance had grown so unbearable that morning, what with her being ceaselessly badgered with compliments and candies and frivolous adoration, that Sebastian had taken pity on her and dragged her into Hogsmeade in a flurry to escape it all.
The inevitable detention for skipping an entire day of classes in favor of their excursion would be well worth it, and she had been grateful for his ability to perceive her discomfort with all the fuss.
Until they took their seats, and he'd started laughing at her.
"Really, Sebastian. I don't think it's all that funny. I'm genuinely suffering." She said, disapproving.
Again, Sebastian snorted in his attempts to not laugh quite so blatantly. "Oh, yes, how terrible it must be for you to drown in affection and gifts. I could almost shed a tear for you, poor thing."
She rolled her eyes, but smiled.
"You're only so happy about it because you know I'll give you all those chocolates to gorge yourself on."
Shamelessly, Sebastian nodded and took a bite of his cookie, excited at the prospect of a future filled with chocolate frogs and ill-gotten sweets. "Always. Sometimes I wonder when they'll learn you don't even like candy, but at the same time, I hope they never do as I will continue reaping the rewards."
"You expect this to continue? Merlin, I hope not. Maybe I really should get married to drive home the point once and for all that I'm not interested." She replied simply.
Sebastian choked, crumbs flying out of his mouth across the table. Despite her disgust at having spittle and chewed cookie land in her tea, she swiftly stood and rounded the table to pat his back.
"Swallowing your food is generally accepted as best practice when eating, rather than inhaling your solids." She soothed, voice saccharine while rubbing circles on his back.
Tears formed in Sebastian's eyes while he tried simultaneously to yell at her, breathe, and not laugh and risk death by pastry once again. Before he could speak, however, a voice cut through over his gasps and her teasing remarks.
"Young romance is so sweet to see. You two lovebirds stay the day, if you like. I won't tell your Headmaster you snuck away together. Such a cute couple..." Mrs. Steepley crooned wistfully from her counter, watching them with sickening affection before one of her kettles whistled, and she busied herself with that instead of prying.
"A cute couple? I think I'd rather she rat us out to Black than continue spewing sap. I'll lose my appetite at this rate." MC said, resting her hand on Sebastian's shoulder now that he'd calmed down.
Touch wasn't something unfamiliar between the two, but heat rose to her cheeks when he placed his hand on top of hers and looked up with a slight smile that was not at all teasing.
It was... fond?
The moment felt far more intimate than their usual touches somehow, and the rosy hue blossoming uncontained on her cheeks only made her more flustered because surely he saw it just as plainly as she felt it.
It must have just been the romantic atmosphere and all the absurd talk of courtship because there was no way this moment was anything besides platonic -
"What's so wrong with being called a cute couple? I happen to think we're a perfect pair, but I'm curious what descriptor you prefer be used for us." He said, a hint of curiosity in his tone.
"...us?" She asked blankly.
"What's got you all flustered? Yes, of course, us. I know you're not much for public sentimentality, but it's been nearly two years as a couple? You have to admit we're at least cute sneaking out of the castle together like this on Valentine's Day." Sebastian answered, amused, and gave her hand an affectionate little squeeze.
She blinked, rooted to the spot and nothing in her head but panic.
Two years? A couple? When had he asked? When had she said yes? They hadn't even kissed, for Merlin's sake! Was this a fever dream? Perhaps his tea had been spiked. Or hers.
What in the hell was happening?
Sebastian's expression contorted into concern, and he reached up to brush the back of his hand against her cheek.
"You're pale. What's wrong? Do you need to sit down?" He fussed, not hesitating to get out of his seat and plop her into it.
She simply let him guide her there, still raking through every interaction they'd ever had since they'd met in fifth year, trying to discern where this incredible disconnect took place. He remained kneeling beside her, searching her face for any hint of what was wrong.
Always so doting - it's why she appreciated having him by her side. He was always such a lovely friend.
Or more? The lines had blurred somewhere, surely.
After coming up empty on precisely when that had happened, she blurted out, "Are we dating, Sebastian?"
Now, it was his turn to freeze, stunned speechless.
He recovered much faster, however, brows furrowed and lips slightly downturned. "Is this... a trick question, darling?"
Darling. He did always call her that. When did it start, though?
"No, I'm asking you outright. Are we dating?" She insisted firmly, holding his gaze and trying to ignore the way her heart hammered against her ribcage.
"Y-yes?" He replied, voice cracking with uncertainty.
"Is that a question?"
"It shouldn't be, but I must admit you've got me a bit concerned. You've been my girlfriend since fifth year -"
"Since fifth year?! Have I really?!" She exclaimed, cutting him off and feeling faint.
"What in the hell do you mean have you really? Of course you have. Where is this all coming from? If you're breaking up with me, feigning amnesia is an awfully strange way to -"
She cut him off again, voice raising an octave. "I can't break up with someone I didn't even know I was seeing! When did this even start? Sebastian, I'm not feigning anything, I genuinely don't remember you asking."
They locked eyes, both wholly flabbergasted by the other. Sebastian looked offended while she was utterly mortified.
"... Perhaps I've been inexplicably and wildly presumptuous, but I had assumed it was more of an unspoken, mutually understood arrangement. Holding hands in the halls, always having my arm around you in the library, weekly dates to Hogsmeade, how you've rejected every other person without so much as batting an eye?" He spoke to her slowly, like he was explaining a very basic concept to a toddler.
She felt like a toddler, with how positively mystified she was by what had just been unveiled.
"Well, assumptions abound, I suppose, because I assumed you were just, I don't know, affectionate with all your friends." The words felt dumb leaving her mouth, and reality began setting in.
She'd never been in a relationship before. Or maybe she had? For well over a year, apparently. Gods, was she really that brainless?
Sebastian let out a strangled laugh, looking a bit pale now himself. "Well, I'm not exactly going around kissing Ominis on the cheek and holding his hand through the village. Did you really not know?"
"A kiss on the cheek and some hand-holding can easily be misconstrued as platonic! I-I kiss Poppy on the cheek all the time!" She defended weakly, increasingly unsure of how the world even worked anymore at this point.
It was like the entire floor opened beneath her feet, and she continued on in disbelief. "I am clearly not the expert, but aren't couples supposed to do quite a bit more than that? We've never even properly kissed!"
Now it was Sebastian's turn to go on the defensive, freckled cheeks burning brightly. "I just thought you were an especially chaste girl! You've always wanted to focus on your studies, I figured I'd take what I could get for now, and we'd get to the rest when you were ready. I could wait until the wedding to kiss you if I absolutely had to."
"The wedding?!" This was it. The most unholy, bizarre day of her entire life.
Goblins, curses, certain death? Easy. She could manage that with her eyes closed. Whatever the hell this was? She wanted to rip her hair out and scream.
Nothing made sense.
"You're honestly telling me that someone who's capable of spotting a snidget nest in a thicket can't even see when someone's in love with her? Either you need your head examined by Blainey, or I'm the greatest failure of a boyfriend there's ever been." Exasperated, Sebastian looked equally ready to throttle her.
They stared at each other in disbelief, mouths agape and faces bright red trying to reconcile how unimaginably fucked up this had all been.
And then, Sebastian snorted out another laugh.
She followed suit.
Before long, they were both slumped over each other at the little table in tears and gasping for air as they devolved into a shared fit of hysterical laughter at how absurd it all was. Both dense as ever, on opposite ends of the spectrum of idiocy.
Tea and snacks long forgotten during the conversation, Sebastian calmed himself first and remained knelt on the ground beside her chair. He took her hands and brought them to her lap, where he gave another affection squeeze, looking up at her with that boyish grin she enjoyed so much.
His face was still flushed, and his shaking hands in her own betrayed just how nervous he was despite the confidence he tried exuding.
"Let me ask you very clearly, and trust me when I say I intend to leave absolutely no room for misunderstanding. I'm not asking you to simply go on a date or be my Valentine." He started, lips still turned up in that crooked smile. "I need to know if you're mine."
Sharply exhaling through her nose, she regarded him for a long moment, considering.
Dating Sebastian wasn't such a ridiculous notion, she realized. He was safety and warmth personified, a perpetual source of joy in her life, and when she truly, truly thought about the future - he was the only person she could picture.
There'd always been love there in every little interaction.
Catching each other's eyes in the corridors and smiling, almost instinctively. How their hands always found each other's when they walked together. Late nights propped against each other, comfortably reading and feeling like he was simply a natural extension of herself. How his touch and presence always felt far more comfortable than the absence of it - he really was home to her.
Even today, when Sebastian simply saw her in distress and whisked her away to town without a care for the consequences. How even the most baffling misunderstandings never ended in arguments, but laughter.
"Well, I think you were correct, actually. I've been yours this whole time, haven't I?" She replied eventually, the words feeling perfectly right as they left her. "Shall we just consider today a lapse in judgment on my part? Maybe temporary insanity?"
Sebastian smiled brightly, letting his head fall to her lap to kiss her hands gently before looking back up at her with a grin.
"Temporary? You've always had a few screws loose - it's how you caught my eye in the first place." He teased. "Tell me something, though. Now that you are aware of me, my observant witch, has anything changed?"
That was certainly something to consider.
Sebastian, considerate as he was, never once questioned or pushed her preconceived boundaries, simply accepting she wasn't ready for anything beyond the most innocent of gestures.
But knowing what she knew now...
"I... feel inclined to reward you for your, frankly, inhuman patience. You are my first boyfriend, after all. I think that sort of love comes with a few benefits beyond mere hand-holding." She replied softly.
Sebastian's grin broadened, and he released one of her hands, reaching up to tug playfully at a loose strand of her hair.
"First? Maybe. But also last. And only." He pulled her hair with gentle insistence, coaxing her head down toward him, craning his own neck upward, until they were a breath apart. "Now, care to explore another first with me? If you're rewarding me, I already have something in mind."
Her reply, which was going to be a resounding and enthusiastic yes, was muffled when Sebastian very impatiently released that lock of her hair to slip his hand around the back of her head so that he could simply hold her in place when his lips finally met hers without warning.
The sensation, while new, still felt right. Sebastian's lips, soft and playful just like him, slotted against against hers perfectly. Barely a moment passed before she fell into sync with him, her hand laced through his still in her lap, while he kissed every thought in her head away.
His tongue probed hesitantly along her bottom lip, her mouth parting eagerly to accept him. He swallowed the startled squeak she let loose when he tasted her, and she could taste him in turn - all chocolate and mint tea. She loathed sweets, but the flavor was intoxicated on him. The low chuckle he offered in return had her knees weak, and she was glad to be seated.
Fingers tangling into her hair, he continued deepening the kiss, pulling her into him and seeing what other pretty noises he could draw from her.
For the briefest moment, she allowed herself a painful moment of realization that they could have been enjoying this all along instead of innocently reading together or walking through the forest gathering toadstools. She'd very much like to explore what else they could get up to alone...
But they weren't alone, as evidenced by Mrs. Steepley loudly clearing her throat and dropping her tray of fresh pastries onto to display counter with a bit more force and noise than probably necessary, but it was enough to stir her two amorous patrons out of their activities.
Red-faced and breathless, they pulled away, muttering apologies and straightening themselves, shy and lightheaded.
Sebastian stood slowly on shaking legs and offered his hand, which she readily accepted, for once noticing the way they molded together in a perfect fit.
He smirked down at her, not at all apologetic.
"I think we're due for a change of scenery before she hoses us down like a pair of dogs. I'd like to take my Valentine on a date she's actually aware of now." He said playfully, cocking a brow and pulling her up.
Again, she wondered just how many dates they'd been on and how many time she could have kissed him but didn't know it was even an option.
Standing on tiptoe, she pecked his lips once more before they left, fully intending to drag him somewhere quiet to make up for all that lost time.
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thechekhov · 3 months
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Dungeon Meshi Quick Reacts: CH.21 (Giant Frog)
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Hello! It's been a while, but tumblr seems to have fixed their ctrl+z deletes-the-entire-post bug so I'm down to attempt this once again.
Let's dive right in and see what I remember!
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I'd forgotten how much I love the imagery of this manga. Kui-san, teach me the secret of drawing spiral stairs.
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Get you a man that looks at you the way Laios looks at tentacles.
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For a second there, he looked like got GOT. What the heck was that?
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How dare you come between a guy and his sword that is technically a terrarium for a little monster buddy?!
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An absolutely accurate depiction of wizards.
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Adventurers and their emotional bonds with their weapons....
We're not gonna talk about those tentacles that looks like fleshlights, huh.
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This is absolutely the stupidest fight......... in a good way, I'm not complaining. But that begs the question - why are the frogs trying to their their WEAPONS? If they were hungry I think I'd go for Chilly-billy, as he's the most snack-sized in the group. Are they protecting the tentacles from getting slashed?
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"Pokedex, tell me the thing I need to know!"
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NOOOO YOU'VE FAILED US, PALADIN OF THE INFO-DUMPING OATH!
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I'd love to see the minute and a half it took for him to cut, strip, and TIE THOSE FLESH STRIPS WITH TWINE. The rest of them are just going through it, playing tug of war.....
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talk shit, get..... eat....?
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D...did being in its mouth not affect him in any way?
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Y'all really had time for this on what looks to be a 3-4 foot wide staircase with zero guard rails. An ideal camping spot.
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boys will be boys. This is the only version of that statement I will accept.
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...........Marcille. Don't. Don't be that easy. Prove to me you're not a pushover.
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Going to Disneyland in family tshirts be like.........
(oh lord I didn't even notice Senshi's beard poking through......... and Chillchuck just being in a bag of leftovers................)
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.............you can't NOT love these idiots. They really have such huge adventuring party energy.
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Y'all are gonna show up to fight the dragon in cutscene DLC clothes, this is the best outcome possible.
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oh wow she really went there!!!!! yes!!!!! fucking excellent.
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oh.........oh I see.
Listen, I'm sure your girlfriend will love you no matter what Marcille--
Also, as you may have noticed, I'm reading a slightly different translation now. I can't say I totally love the spelling changes. Is this the official transcription of their names? Might be interesting to know if Kui-san had input on them..... Farlyn? I think Falin sounds more accurate but........
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penguinkinggames · 4 months
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Hey, folks. Starting today and continuing through November 28th, all of Penguin King Games' non-PWYW titles are 50% off. In addition, today (November 24th) only, 100% of all sales will go toward the creator as part of itch.io's Creator Day program. If there's something in our catalogue you've been meaning to pick up – or if you want to support our games currently in development, including Eat God, Space Gerbils and Tiny Frog Wizards – now's the perfect chance!
Note that the preceding link leads to a bundle containing all discounted titles; however, you can also claim the discount on individual games by clicking through to their respective pages.
(Credits for the preceding illustrations go to @shelandsorcery for the giant municipal crab @kalkiedoodles for the long-suffering elf queen.)
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AFS: Deleted Scene
Din Djarin x Female!Reader
Warnings: Angst/comfort
Word Count: 1,905
Summary: When you asked Mando if there was anything you should know about Grogu when you were hired, this was the kind of thing he should've mentioned.
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#7.5: LIKE THE WIZARDS
.
The backyard had a little bubbling pond that seemed to stem from an underground hot spring. You always worried about Grogu getting too close because you weren’t sure of the acidity or heat of the water, but Mando had assured you it was safe. Apparently it had critters living in and out of it which made it safe and habitable, but you learned the only reason the little boy continually tried to get to the pond was because of said critters. You joked that Grogu was your little green gremlin, but he was, honest to the Maker, an actual menace to the poor animals that called that little pool home. 
The first time you saw Grogu swallow a frog whole, early in your job as his nanny, you had a heart attack. Your brain screamed ‘choking hazard’ and you had been fully prepped to administer the Heimlich maneuver. However, Grogu just burped then grinned at you with his little mischievous smile. When you called Mando about the incident, he didn’t seem shocked by the news. He did warn you to keep the kid from eating too many frogs simply because it would spoil his appetite for dinner. A concept you found hysterical.
It was a calm morning and you sat by the pond’s edge with your feet resting in the lukewarm water. Grogu sat on a stone to your right, swiping his hands up at bugs that flew past him. Not far off, sitting on the porch with his legs kicked up was the Mandalorian. It occurred to you that maybe you should be spending your days off away from this house and family, but you truly enjoyed your time spent with Mando and his son. You turned your head to glance back over at the man. He was still as a statue, but his frame was loose and relaxed⏤ arms crossed over his chest and head resting back against the wall of his house. You quickly tore your eyes away in fear that he’d catch you staring. You wouldn’t even know either due to his helmet. 
You had grown more and more curious about the man you shared a house with, but you hadn’t quite yet worked up the courage to ask him about all the things you wanted to know. Hell, you weren’t even fully sure what all you wanted to know exactly. Your thoughts were just a whirlwind of curiosity in your mind. The sound of Grogu chirping in excitement made you focus back on the boy who had spotted a frog a few stones away. Your mouth opened to warn him about not getting wet, in fear that he would leap after the critter, but instead he held up a hand in the frog’s direction.
Assuming he was pointing it out to you, you chuckled, “Yeah, it’s a⏤”
Then the frog began to float in the air. It’s legs kicked dramatically as some invisible force lifted it up.
“Grogu!” Mando barked in a panic.
The boy dropped his hand, the frog fell into the water, and Grogu turned to look at Mando who was already marching over. Your body reacted on instinct rather than thought and you scrambled back away from the pond. Grogu turned to look at you, his head tilted, but you watched as his ears sunk and a whimper left his lips. You were frozen⏤ in shock, in disbelief, in confusion⏤ and the swift action of Mando scooping his child off the ground wasn’t enough to shake you loose from the hold it had on you.
“I’m sorry.” Mando blurted and rushed away, back into the house.
You just blinked.
What?
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This was Din's fault. He only had himself to blame. He should’ve told you about Grogu’s gift ages ago, but he missed his initial opportunity and as more time passed the more awkward it became to bring it up. Honestly, Din was baffled it took this long for Grogu to slip up and use the Force in front of you. He would jump around the house, onto counters and places he shouldn’t be, but you didn’t seem shocked by that. Maybe you just assumed that had been normal for the boy.
Din had tried to explain to Grogu that you were just caught off guard, but the little boy boy was nothing if not stubborn. He refused to listen and slipped away to bury himself in his hammock curled up with his stuffed blue frog. Din stood outside his own bedroom door trying to figure out what his next step was. He had seen Grogu pout over a number of things, but this was a different kind of isolation. 
“Mando.” Your voice was breathless as you rushed through the backdoor to him. Your eyes were blown wide in shock. “I⏤”
“I’m sorry.” Din shook his head. “I should’ve told you a long time ago. That way you could’ve known beforehand and not…”
Not reacted in the moment as you had.
He hated the way you had scrambled back, but he still found it hard to blame anyone but himself. Realizing a toddler had control over the Force wasn’t the kind of information that was easy to learn on the go. A heads up could’ve prevented that scene.
“No. I… I didn’t mean to… It just caught me off guard.” You sighed. Your arms crossed and Din watched you nervously shift in place. “What…How?”
“He’s Force sensitive. Like⏤ Like the wizards.” Din raised a hand and waved it in example.
You forced a tight smile. “I know what the Force is, Din. I just didn’t know Grogu…” The two of you grew silent, and Din took the moment to take in the devastating guilt drawn across your features. Briefly, the thought flashed through his head. Would he need to find new help? Would you still want to stay? You met his gaze and Din thanked the Maker you weren’t able to confirm that he had been staring so blatantly at you. An act he took part in way too often. “Where is he?”
“His hammock.” Din replied. “He didn’t want to talk to me. Not yet.”
“Can… Can I talk to him?” You asked and your tone made it seem like you thought he’d deny you.
It wasn’t that he didn’t trust you. Your time in this house, by his side, comfortable and domestic should be proof that he maybe trusted you too much, too soon. Din gave you a quick nod, but followed it with a question of his own. “Can I be present? I’ll hang back, but…”
“Of course.” You nodded.
Din trusted you, but he was too protective of Grogu to let you in by yourself after such a discovery. He hated that he felt that way, but it was what it was. 
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You knocked on the door nervously then slipped in. Mando followed in a step behind you, but like he said he lingered by the door⏤ leaning against the frame. You didn’t blame him for being hesitant. The way you leapt away from the pond, away from Grogu, made you ill. You truly hadn’t meant to and you knew the boy took that personally. How could he not?
“Grogu?” You murmured. Grogu was curled in his hammock with his back to you. You tip-toed across the room and lifted a hand up to him. You didn’t set it on his back, but just let it hover there. “I… I wanted to talk to you for a minute, buddy.” Grogu stayed quiet. “I know you probably don’t want to talk to me, but can I have just a minute? If you want me to leave after, I will.”
“Lek.” Grogu mumbled in the softest voice you had ever heard him speak.
You set your hand on his back, rubbing it soothingly, and sighed, “I am so sorry, Grogu. I wasn’t jumping away from you. What happened… You just caught me off guard is all.” You twisted your lips. “Can I pick you up? Will you look at me?” There was a tense pause, a minute or more, and with every passing second you felt worse and worse about your actions. Finally, Grogu turned in his hammock to face you. He sniffled. His large eyes watering as his lip quivered. At the sight, your heart ached. “Oh, Grogu.”
Grogu held his hands out to you and you didn’t hesitate to pull him from the hammock and into your chest. You hugged him and continued to rub his back as you hummed reassurances. You’d spend the rest of your life trying to right this mistake and make it up to the little boy. He spoke, his voice muffled into your shoulder, and you turned your head a bit to see if it would help.
“What? I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.”
“Chaabar?” He mumbled, eyes still swimming with tears. “Chaabar Grogu?”
Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I don’t know what that⏤”
“Fear.” Mando’s voice filled the room. You spun to see he had stepped further in. His arms crossed. “He’s asking you if you’re scared of him.”
Your heart plummeted.
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Din watched as your eyes widened at his words. Fear Grogu? Hearing the words from his son broke his kriffing heart. Your gaze snapped back to the boy in your arms. Din was taken aback when you suddenly kicked your shoes off your feet and crawled onto his bed. You crossed your legs, pulling Grogu closer to yourself, and with the way you positioned yourself it almost looked protective. As if you were shielding Grogu from the world around you.
“No, baby. I’m not scared of you.” You murmured. Baby. Hearing you speak to his son so tender and loving made Din’s chest tighten. He had heard you call Grogu a lot of different nicknames. Buddy, little guy, sweetie, kiddo. This was the first time he had ever heard you call him ‘baby’ though. It held a different connotation. A more intimate one. You spoke to Grogu, looking down at him with a warm gaze, as if he were your own and it took Din’s breath away. “Listen to me, Grogu. Nothing you do could ever scare me away. I think you’re so special, and it caught me off guard, but I… You mean so so so much to me, baby. And I am sorry you would ever think I was scared of you.”
Grogu began to cry, but he buried his face into the crook of your neck. You wrapped your arms around him tightly. Eyes squeezed shut as you hugged him. From where he stood, Din could hear Grogu babbling to you. It was a string of nonsense, but he caught the occasional Mando’a word mixed in here and there. So quick he doubted you’d be able to differentiate babbling from real words. However, Din caught it with ease and the word that stuck out to him was the Mando’a word for ‘love’. 
Grogu loved you.
Your eyes opened and though you still clung so tightly to the boy, your gaze drifted to meet Din’s. After a beat, a small smile crept onto your features. Relief shining in your eyes. It took all the strength Din had to not crawl onto his bed and pull both of you into his own arms.
Grogu loved you, and Din wasn’t surprised at all.
He was well on his way to loving you too.
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Mando'a translation:
Chaabar: Fear
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taglist:
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easterbonnet · 7 months
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HP boys react... to spending the afternoon with you (while it's raining)
Oliver Wood -
You'd both be sat in the common room admiring the rain hammering down on the windows, wind rattling through the old castle like a whistle
There are steaming cups of tea placed on the wooden table next to you
He'd be talking you through the quidditch formations and strategies he'd organised for the next match
He'd have little markers for each player and make you act as the other team so he could think up new plays and tactics, giving him ideas he might have overlooked
He'd be so invested and passionate whilst speaking to you, but it's fun for you too
Neville Longbottom -
You'd run through the rain together, jackets over your heads, to the greenhouses
He'd show you all of his favourite plants, pointing at them in turn and telling you what they're called, and their uses
"This is gillyweed, eat this and you'll be able to breathe underwater, and this one over here, that's a mandrake but you already know that-"
You'd learn so much from him, he'd just blush
Halfway through his speech, Professor Sprout bursts in picking up a few plant samples for Madame Pomfrey, he'd hide with you behind a stack of rather large terracotta pots until she left
You'd both laugh at the thrill, him feeling a little bad he's going behind his favourite teacher's back, but forgetting all about it when he sees your smile.
Tom Riddle -
First, he'd take you to the library, gesturing to various interesting books, gathering them all up into his arms
He'd then lead you to a secret spot of the castle only the two of you knew, dark, secluded
He'd enthuse to you about different kinds of rare magic you previously had no idea about
He'd show you the images and diagrams in the books, skipping to his favourite chapters
If your lucky he may even sit you in his lap and read aloud to you, he loves lecturing you about these topics
Remus Lupin -
He'd bring you up to his room, gently passing one of his thick, knitted jumpers to you, and rummaging through his clothes, finding a cute pair of woolly socks to keep your feet extra warm
He'd be caring and gentle with you, plaiting your hair delicately, snuggling up to you, as if to make up for the harsh weather outside
You'd both have a teacup filled with coffee, taking small sips as you played an old wizard board game he had stored away
He'd let you win, just so you can gloat to him with a grin
Ron Weasley -
You'd spend the afternoon sat together in the great hall, eating an assortment of wonderful treats
"Here try this one", he'd hold out a spoonful of cake for you, "Ooo and this, you've got to try this"
You'd both swap recommendations, leaving the hall covered in crumbs of pastries, biscuits and puddings
He'd be all giddy, pulling you up to his dorm, relaxing on his bed
You'd chat light heartedly all evening, whilst he showed you his collection of chocolate frog cards and quidditch memorabilia
Draco Malfoy -
He'd introduce you to his friends, all of you sat together, but Draco and you sharing a a seat, your legs sprawled over his lap
It would be really chill and relaxing, his friends would like you
You'd be talking about random stuff, gossiping about Hogwarts, getting to know each other, Draco being the one to carry the conversation whilst you got comfortable
Eventually, when they all left, he'd sit you properly against him, tucking your hair behind your ears as his eyes scanned your face
You'd have some deep conversations, just the two of you
Sirius Black -
You'd be cuddled up all cosy by the fireplace
He'd make you both hot chocolate in chunky mismatched mugs, covered in marshmallows, whipped cream, sprinkles, chocolate chips, everything he could find in the cupboards
He'd play with your hair as you listened to the fire crackle, the rain trickle, and the rise and fall of his chest
He'd tell you stories about adventures he'd had, "Pheww, do I have some stories. Hmm, well pumpkin, there was this one time James and I..."
You would end up falling asleep to his tales, while he was so happy reminiscing
Gilderoy Lockhart -
Let's face it, he's got you helping him out with fan mail
"Ooo! Seems to me like perfect weather for answering fan mail!"
He'd get all excited and rush in with bags full of letters
You'd sit by candlelight, opening them all, reading them and chatting
He'd even have you help him sign some headshots to send back, "No, you're not doing the 'G' swirly enough, princess!", he'd say making you forge his signature, in aid of getting down the pile quicker
Cedric Diggory -
He'd have a handsome smile whilst telling you to wait exactly where you are, sat in the sheltered walkway outlining the courtyard
He'd come running back with a stack of wool blankets, in which he'd wrap you up in, constantly asking, "Are you sure you're not cold? I've got another blanket if-", you'd reply no, already having 3 blankets covering you
You'd sit and watch the rain fall, the trees swaying, the owls fluttering to and from the owlery, even first years sprinting through the bad weather, books on their heads
He'd tell you how much he appreciates you, how much you mean to him, he'd check in on you - how you're doing, how you're getting on in classes etc
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prokopetz · 8 months
Text
I have a pinned post for my games in development, but it doesn't really describe what they're about, and apparently this is something we're doing today, so:
My games in development, in rough order of priority:
(Note: all of these have public playtest drafts behind the links.)
Eat God
A game about weird little anarchist muppets with reality-warping powers themed after classic Looney Tunes gags wandering around a classic sword-and-sorcery fantasy setting stirring up trouble. Roughly 50% character creation rules by volume, with provisions for randomising every part of it; the linked draft, above, includes an online character generator if you want to play with it. The mechanics are a sort of elaborated spiritual successor to Costume Fairy Adventures, a game whose development I headed up about a decade ago.
Current status: actively writing, hopefully zeroing in on a feature-complete playtest draft within the next month or two.
Tiny Frog Wizards
One of my customarily literal titles, this is a game where you play as wizards who are tiny frogs. Features elaborate semi-freeform rules for casting spells, lots of big stupid random tables for when spells go off the rails, and absolutely no mechanics for anything that isn't casting a spell; it's a very focused sort of game. Narratively, it's a game about being an overpowered little twerp sticking your nose into other people's problems and offering solutions no-one asked for. Portions of the rules crib shamelessly from @jennamoran's Nobilis 3rd Edition, for which I offer acknowledgement but no apologies.
Current status: development of the text has been set aside for the moment to work on visual identity, with an eye toward crowdfunding an expanded hardcover edition later in the year.
Space Gerbils
A tactical mecha combat game with a very silly twist: the entirety of the tactical positioning occurs inside the mecha, because the game's premise is basically "what if instead of the Big Reveal at the end of Metroid (1986) being that Samus Aran is secretly a girl, Samus Aran was secretly 3–5 small gerbil-like creatures operating a person-size mech suit?" Players engage in positional jockeying and resource management to determine which stations they're crewing within the suit, which is boiled down to a single roll of the dice to determine what happens outside the suit. Includes papercraft minifigs.
Current status: essentially feature-complete, apart from some character creation options and a planned random mission generator; this will likely be the next game I crowdfund after Tiny Frog Wizards.
Indie RPG Prompt Generator [working title]
Essentially a joke that got out of hand, this is a big set of random tables of common indie RPG tropes that you can roll on to generate a description of a hypothetical game, complete with specific rules toys and setting beats. I probably could have finished this up already, but I decided to include examples of each rolled element, which turned into this big hairy research project I'm not able to give adequate attention to right now. If you've got a game of your own that you think would be a good fit for a presently unfilled example slot, please, let me know!
Current status: plugging away at it in bits and pieces as I'm able.
Three Raccoons in a Trenchcoat
This is an anthology consisting of three minigames: the eponymous Three Raccoons in a Trenchcoat, which is self-explanatory; Unfamiliar, in which you play as uncooperative wizards' familiars; and System Crash, in which you play as malfunctioning robots. More a series of formal experiments in character creation and group composition than proper full-featured games, all share the same core mechanics, with milieu-specific addons of varying practicality; for example, System Crash has specific rules for which senses each player is allowed to use when asking the GM for information, because it's completely possible to have a group in which only one of the robots can see. Large portions of Unfamiliar were later re-used in Eat God, above.
Current status: I have a list of notes as long as your arm on planned changes to integrate into the text, and I'm confident I'll get around to doing so one of these years.
Gone to Hell
Literally a Doom (2016) pastiche as a Belonging Outside Belonging game, which is just as silly an idea as it sounds; grown out of an earlier 24-hour RPG called Doomguy. The central conceit is that there's only a single player character, with players taking turns assuming the role of the Slayer, while everyone else takes ownership of the various hostile factions comprising the game's conspiratorial twelve-car pileup of a plot. Lots of pontificating about the implicit power structures of tabletop RPG groups. This one probably needs a full rewrite in order to lend a bit more formal structure to the "one player character, many GMs" conceit than out-of-the-box BOB offers.
Current status: I have not looked at this game in three years, which is actually a really long time for me.
Rotate Bird
Another of my "is this a formal experiment or a real game" titles, this one revolves around constructing characters out of abstract symbols, which are interpreted during play to retroactively define what your character is actually capable of doing. Even the title seen above is an interpretive approximation; strictly speaking, the game is called 🔄🐦. Possibly the most shitposty game I've ever written, which is saying something, but based on playtest feedback it seems functional.
Current status: the only reason this is listed as lower in priority than Gone to Hell is because I genuinely don't know what to do with it. It's probably publishable, with some cleanup editing and graphic design, but it feels like there's something missing. I'm open to suggestions!
Get in the Fucking Robot
A pamphlet-size, competitive, GMless title that's at least as much a board game as it is a tabletop RPG, this one is about a bunch of dysfunctional candidate mecha pilots competing to be the first to pilot the titular giant robot. The game is played under misère conditions: while each character's IC goal is to pilot the robot, each player's OOC goal is to avoid that fate, with the player whose character actually Gets in the Fucking Robot being accounted the loser.
Current status: playtesting suggests the current framework of play doesn't actually work – like, at all – so this one needs to go all the way back to the drawing board; I don't feel like doing that any time soon, which puts it squarely at the bottom of the list.
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lilacmingi · 8 days
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TRADING CARDS & CHOCOLATE FROGS
My works are 14+ ONLY. If you’re under 14 DO NOT interact with me or any of my works
Pairing: Ravenclaw!Yeosang x Ravenclaw!fem reader
Word count: 4,379
Note: Brief cameo from my pookie Dojoon from The Rose <3 Reminder that this is an imagine from my Wattpad from 2023 so there will not be extra parts or continuations
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It was a relatively cool day at Hogwarts, the sun covered by the array of light gray clouds hanging in the sky. The weather was just right, a refreshing temperature that wasn't too hot or too cold. You and your good friend, and housemate, Yeosang were sat on the grass outside, taking a few minutes to rest before your next class.
"Check out what I got." You pulled out a couple chocolate frogs from your bag.
Yeosang let out a tiny gasp.
"Here." You handed one over to him. "I got an extra for you. I know how much you love them."
His soft brown eyes lit up as he took the sweet treat from you.
"Thank you so much." He beamed, opening up the packaging. "I wonder which Famous Witches and Wizards card I'll get this time. I haven't gotten Carlotta Pinkstone or Bertie Bott yet."
Yeosang loved collecting the cards inside chocolate frogs, it was one of his hobbies and he had been doing it for as long as you'd known him. There are 101 cards in total and he's almost obtained every single one. The ones he already collected had been put in a folio magi for safe keeping. That book was one of his most prized possessions.
You watched as he removed the candy and the card from the package, keeping his eyes closed.
"Y/n, you look first."
"I got it so you could look and see which card you got."
"I know, but I'm nervous." He whined.
"Alright fine. I'll take a peek."
Ever so slowly, you removed the card from the packaging, revealing a moving photo of Morgan le Fay.
"Can I look?" Yeosang asked.
"Yes you can look."
He nervously peeled open one eye, taking a peek at the card in your hand, a frown tugging at his lips.
"Morgan le Fay." He murmured disappointedly. "I've got three of her cards already."
"You'll collect them all one day, I'm sure of it." You encouraged, giving him a pat on his shoulder.
"I hope so." He commented, taking a bite of chocolate.
You started unwrapping your candy, removing the trading card inside and flipping it to reveal Devlin Whitehorn. You let out a disappointed murmur, catching Yeosang's attention. His eyes darted down to the card in your hand as he frowned—another one he already had.
"It would have been cool if I got one of the last two cards you need." You commented, turning to him.
"Yeah." He sighed.
A soft chuckle bubbled up in your throat as you caught sight of chocolate smudged on the corners of Yeosang's mouth, the sight almost too endearing to handle.
"What?"
"You're a messy eater. Did you know that?" You chortled, pulling out a small package of tissues.
Yeosang's eyes widened a bit in realization, but before he could clean his mouth you were doing it for him, gently holding his chin between your fingers as you wiped the tissue over his lips. He blinked a few times, his heart fluttering as he stared up at you in a daze, which you didn't seem to notice.
"There." You smiled softly, pulling away.
He almost grabbed your wrist and tugged you back to him, but pushed the urge aside for the sake of his dignity.
After moving back to your spot on the grass, you started eating your chocolate frog, hoping the sugar would give you enough energy to make it through your remaining classes.
"I hope I can collect all of the Famous Witches and Wizards cards. Only then will my life be complete."
You chuckled. "What will you do then? Find another hobby?"
He hummed thoughtfully. "Maybe."
A few minutes passed and you let out a sigh.
"We should probably start heading to transfiguration class. Don't wanna be late."
Yeosang's bottom lip stuck out in a pout. "That class is hard."
"Not if you get the pronunciation of the incantation and wand movements right it's not."
"I don't feel like it."
"Me neither, but we need our wizard education. Let's go." You stood up with a small grunt, grabbing Yeosang's hand and pulling him to his feet.
He decided to be silly and slumped over on you, his upper half going limp. You wrapped your arm around his slim waist in order to help keep him upright as you moved sluggishly across the quad.
"Yeosang." You chuckled. "This isn't the time."
He started fake crying, making overly-exaggerated sobbing sounds as you heaved him towards the school unable to hold back your laughter at his show of dramatics.
At some point, he decided to drop his act, getting off you and making his way to class.
"You make such a big deal about it but transfiguration class is fun. Being able to change the appearance of someone or something is so cool. I could turn you into a frog if I wanted to."
"Not before I turn you into one first!" He teased, poking your side as he made frog noises.
You flinched away from his attacks, laughing as you did so, telling him to stop even though you were enjoying every moment of it.
Your playful banter with him earned the both of you a hard glare from one of the teachers monitoring the halls, causing the two of you to cease your antics, muttering apologies only to hold back chuckles once you'd moved further on down the hall.
Once in class the both of you took your seats at a table on the right side of the room in the middle of the row. One thing you loved about Hogwarts was that most desks in the classrooms seated two people so you were able to sit with Yeosang in every class.
"Alright everyone. Today we'll be diving deeper into human transfiguration. You might remember me speaking briefly about it the last time we convened. However, you must be careful. Human transfiguration requires the utmost focus. It's all about precision and pronunciation."
Your teacher explained the importance of getting everything absolutely perfect and shared a story about a student who once had bunny ears for a week because he messed up the incantation.
"That's awful." Murmured Yeosang.
"I don't know." You hummed. "I think you'd look adorable with a pair of fluffy Maltese ears on your head."
"Maltese?" He scoffed. "More like Doberman."
"You wish." You chuckled.
"Even the smallest mistake can have a big effect." The teacher continued. "Any transfiguration takes focus but especially human transfiguration. It's incredibly difficult and if you want to master it you must concentrate. No goofing around."
You were excited to learn human transfiguration, it's something you've been looking forward to since you first started attending Hogwarts.
"You hear that, Y/n? No goofing around."
You rolled your eyes at Yeosang's playful jab, knowing he meant nothing by it, you were both well-behaved in class.
"You're one to talk." You shot back with a grin.
The weekend had rolled around and you decided to take another trip to Hogsmeade so you could stop by Honeydukes and get some sweets for you and Yeosang. Unfortunately, your friend and house prefect, Dojoon, wanted to tag along, so you were stuck with him for the day. He was older than you, but no one would ever guess based on his youthful personality.
"I can't believe you're a prefect." You chuckled at the thought of Dojoon of all people becoming someone who helps keep students in line.
"Why? You don't think I fit the part?"
"Not at all."
"Come on, Y/n."
"I saw you try and drink butter beer with your nose once."
He laughed at the memory. "Surprisingly it doesn't burn as bad as you think."
You rolled your eyes, suppressing a smile.
The both of you arrived at Honeydukes shortly, stepping into the sweets shop making a beeline for the chocolate frogs. Every time you stopped by the candy store you bought some for yourself as well as Yeosang, hoping that he would one day complete his collection of cards. You always enjoyed seeing the way his face lit up when he opened them and the way his eyes sparkled with anticipation. Sometimes he would even go on rambles about the witch or wizard on the card, telling you what they had done and why they were famous. You always listened, admiring his soothing voice and slight lisp. His reactions always made your heart swell with adoration, further fueling your crush on him.
Perusing the variety of sweets and other goodies, you grabbed some sugared butterfly wings, Drooble's best blowing gum, and chocoballs before making your way over to the chocolate frogs, grabbing six of them.
"Jeez, Y/n. You stocking up or something?" Dojoon asked from over your shoulder.
"No. I'm buying for a friend too."
"Ah. It wouldn't happen to be Kang Yeosang, would it?"
Your body tensed but you did your best to hide it, masking the shocked expression that almost broke out on your face.
"No."
"You can't hide anything from me, Y/n. It's my duty to watch over the students in our house and I see you and Yeosang spending lots of time together in the common room."
You chewed on your bottom lip as your facade slowly started to crumble.
"And if I am buying stuff for Yeosang?"
Dojoon suppressed a laugh. "That's cute. Do you like him?"
"I'm not answering that."
"You don't have to." He grinned knowingly.
Busted.
You merely sighed, moving over to another display looking over the sweets on the shelves. As expected, Dojoon was right behind you.
"So, when are you going to ask him out?"
Your head snapped towards him, surprised by his forward question.
"Never."
His mouth hung open as he let out a scoff, almost looking offended. "Why not?"
"Because I don't know if he feels that way about me."
Dojoon rolled his eyes. "That's so typical."
"Why do you act as if it's a bad thing? That's how most crushes go. They're either one-sided or the feeling is mutual but both people are oblivious to each other's feelings."
"You can still be unaware even if there's chemistry and obvious flirting, especially if both people are affectionate with each other."
"Well, not in my case."
"Really? You haven't noticed Yeosang getting all starry-eyed around you? Maybe you've seen him blush?"
"Not that I can recall. Then again, I'm not very good at noticing things like that."
"So you're the oblivious one." He noted.
You scoffed in response. "I am not."
"You definitely are."
"What if he's oblivious, hm?" You countered.
Dojoon raised a brow.
Wait. You hadn't thought about it before. What if he does like you and you're both blissfully unaware.
"I don't have time for this." You muttered, stepping away from him to finish browsing the candy store.
Afterwards, Dojoon wanted to stop and get some school supplies from Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop, mentioning something about needing ink and more parchment. You opted to sit outside on a bench and wait for him to get whatever he needed, assuming he would be in and out in no time.
You were wrong.
Dojoon was taking far too long in the writing supply shop and you were starving. He had been in there for at least 35 minutes and you wondered what kind of person looks at parchment and ink for 35 minutes. Your eyes peered into the bag from Honeydukes eyeing the many boxes of chocolate frogs inside, your foot tapping the ground in contemplation. Finally, you reached inside and pulled one out, opening the packaging without paying much attention, more focused on satiating your hunger as you began snacking on the sweet chocolate treat.
You let out a sigh, resting against the bench you currently occupied as your mind drifted towards food wondering what you were in the mood for.
Your gaze just so happened to move down to the empty chocolate frog box in your hands gasping when you saw the card sitting in the bottom.
Bertie Bott.
That was one of the two cards Yeosang needed to complete his collection.
About that time, Dojoon stepped out of the stationery shop with a large paper bag in his hand.
"I got it!" You exclaimed excitedly, jumping up and down as you waved the card. "Yeosang's gonna be so happy!"
"What's going on?" Dojoon asked watching you bounce around.
Originally you'd planned to scold him for taking so long and leaving you to starve, but that didn't matter anymore because you'd found one of the cards Yeosang needed which meant he was one step closer to completing his collection.
"I have to get it to him as soon as we get back."
"Ah." A knowing grin appeared on Dojoon's face as he pieced everything together. "That's why you were buying so many chocolate frogs. You wanna make sure your boyfriend completes his card collection."
"Wh— he's not my boyfriend." You argued feeling your cheeks get warm.
"You want him to be."
Your mouth opened to say something but closed immediately. You didn't know what to say to that because it was the truth, but before Dojoon could tease you about it you smacked his arm.
"You left me out here for 35 minutes! Who looks at parchment for that long?"
"Me." He responded, rubbing his arm. "I was trying to choose between beige and ochre."
"They're both brown!" You exploded.
"There's a difference, trust me."
You sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose.
"Look, I'll pay for lunch to make up for it. How's that?"
Your eyes lit up at the offer. "You will?”
"Why not?"
"Let's get going, then. I'm starving."
After a delicious (and free) meal, you and Dojoon headed back to Hogwarts where you both returned to the Ravenclaw dorms, spotting Yeosang lounging on the couch as soon as you stepped inside. He looked so cozy in a large sweater, his lengthly, black hair in its natural state and partially hanging in his face. Dojoon shot you a smirk before excusing himself and heading to the boys dorm.
"Y/n. You're back." Yeosang smiled. "Did you enjoy your trip to Hogsmeade?"
"I did and I have something for you."
You took a seat by him on the couch, trying your best to hold back the smile threatening to break out on your face.
"Should I close my eyes?" He asked, expecting you to give him a chocolate frog.
"Yes."
He did as he was told, holding his hands out, palms up as he waited. Reaching into your Honeydukes bag, you pulled out the card of Bertie Bott and placed it into Yeosang's open hands.
"Alright, you can look now."
As soon as his eyes opened he gasped, turning to you with a shocked expression.
"I know it's probably better when you're the one finding the card but—"
"How did you get this?" He asked quietly, his large eyes trained on the card.
"Luck, I guess."
"You didn't take any Liquid Luck by chance, did you?"
"No." You shook your head. "Dojoon was taking too long in Scrivenshaft's and we had just left Honeydukes so I had a chocolate frog as a snack and to my surprise, that card was sitting in the bottom of the box."
"This is... wow." He breathed out.
He only needed one more card now.
"I'm sorry if you wanted to find it yourself."
"No!" He cut in right as you finished your sentence. "This means a lot to me."
Yes it was a small gesture that may seem meaningless to anyone else, but to Yeosang it meant the world. You supporting his hobby and saving this card to give to him made his heart soar, his feelings for you only growing. Just when Yeosang thinks he can't fall for you any more than he already has, you prove him wrong.
"Thank you." He held the card to his chest.
You gave him a gentle smile. "You're welcome."
"Just one more." He murmured, looking at the moving image on the card.
"Just one more." You echoed with a hopeful grin.
You lounged under a tree just outside the school, using your robes as a makeshift blanket, gazing out at the lake below the towering castle. You and Yeosang were supposed to be in potions class, but someone in the previous group mixed the wrong thing and caused an accident, so class was cancelled.
Yeosang laid on your lap, his dark, lengthy locks splayed out around his head, the sun's rays seeping in through the foliage of the tree you sat under, its leaves casting shadows on his striking features. His eyes were closed, lashes resting delicately on his cheeks as his chest moved up and down with each serene breath he took. Your gaze moved along his face, landing on the birthmark that decorated his upper cheekbone. His head was turned to the side, giving you a perfect view of the unique mark, your fingers unconsciously moving up to touch it. He flinched slightly and turned to look up at you.
"Sorry." You murmured.
Normally you wouldn't be so bold, but something about that moment made you feel comfortable enough to speak your mind without worrying about his reaction.
"It's pretty."
Yeosang's eyes widened a bit as he gazed up at you, visibly swallowing as a light pink hue dusted his cheeks and the tops of his ears.
"You didn't cover it up today." You noted.
"I was running a bit late for class and didn't have time to do it."
"I think you should leave it uncovered."
"Really?"
"Mhm." You hummed. "It's beautiful and unique."
The pink on Yeosang's cheeks deepened at your sweet compliments, his eyes unable to stay locked with yours for too long.
You dug around in your bag, pulling out the box of chocoballs you purchased a few days prior, opening the packaging and popping one in your mouth before offering one to Yeosang.
"Chocoball?" You asked, holding over over his lips.
He was quick to open his mouth, allowing you to feed the sweet treat to him.
"I got lots of extra chocolate frogs at Honeydukes the other day. You wanna see if you get lucky?" You asked.
"Sure."
He sat up while you rummaged through your bag, pulling out all five boxes, laying them out for Yeosang.
"Take your pick."
His hand hovered over the blue boxes as he tried to make his choice, finally settling on the third one. He picked the box up and opened it before removing the chocolate and taking a peek inside, his shoulders drooping.
"Helga Hufflepuff." He murmured dully.
"That's alright. We still have four left." You assured him.
"You open the next one. You seem to be the lucky one."
"Alright." You shrugged, reaching forward and taking a box, opening it and taking the candy out, snacking on it while looking inside the packaging.
Daisy Dodderidge.
You showed it to Yeosang who sighed.
"I have three of her cards already."
"Try another one."
He grabbed one of the three remaining boxes and opened it.
Glanmore Peakes.
"Darn."
"Not Carlotta I'm guessing?"
"Nope." He sighed.
"My turn."
Yeosang munched on his second chocolate frog, looking discouraged as you reached for one of the last two boxes.
"You know, you could trade someone for the last card you need." You mentioned.
"No." Yeosang shook his head. "I want to complete the set just by collecting them from the boxes. No trading."
"Wow. That's commitment."
You almost didn't finish your sentence because of Yeosang, noticing smudges of chocolate at the corners of his mouth.
"Yeo, you made a mess again." You chuckled.
"Oh." He quickly shielded his mouth with his hand as he licked away the sweet substance, his ears turning pink.
"So cute." You murmured quietly under your breath assuming he didn't hear you.
He did.
You opened up the box and removed the candy so you could see the card in the bottom.
"Glover Hipworth." You read.
"Another duplicate." He deflated slightly only to sit upright afterward. "Oh! You know he invented the Pepperup Potion that cures the common cold."
"Really?"
Yeosang nodded happily.
You flipped the card over and read the information on the back, which was exactly as Yeosang said. You found his knowledge on the witches and wizards depicted on the cards to be very endearing. Not only was he a collector, but a person who enjoyed learning about the people whose cards he amassed.
"One more." You pointed out.
Yeosang let out a long breath. "Yep."
He opened up the last box and took out the chocolate, his eyes refusing to look inside. You watched anxiously from your spot on the grass beside him, waiting for him to peer into the package. Then slowly, his eyes moved down widening immediately.
He hurriedly reached inside to pull it out.
"Carlotta Pinkstone." He murmured in disbelief.
"No way."
"Yes way."
"No way!" You repeated, jumping to your feet.
"Yes." He nodded, getting up and proceeding to jump up and down. "Yes!"
His melodic laughter was like music to your ears, the bright smile on his face and the way his eyes shimmered made your heart melt.
"I finally did it!" He exclaimed with joyful chuckles.
You both embraced each other excitedly jumping in a circle in celebration.
"You did it! I can't believe it!"
It wasn't until the excitement wore off that you realized how close the both of you were and how you were pressed against Yeosang's firm chest, the closeness making your heart race. He seemed to realize it too as his eyes seemed to widen, but neither of you moved.
"You know, I wouldn't have gotten this card if you weren't nice enough to buy extra candy to share with me." He mentioned.
"You would have gotten it eventually I'm sure."
"Yeah, but who knows how long it would have been."
"Right."
You were responding to Yeosang, but your eyes kept drifting to his lips, entranced by them as your mind wandered.
Yeosang seemed to notice this as his cheeks began to get warm. Did you want to kiss him? He started going back and forth with himself, wondering if he was reading the situation correctly or if his feelings for you were making him not think clearly.
Before he could overanalyze any longer he decided to be bold and go for what he wanted, choosing to take a risk. And maybe it was the adrenaline from finally collecting his last Famous Witches and Wizards card, maybe not, but whatever it was pushed Yeosang to finally do what he always wanted to do.
He closed the space between your faces and pressed his lips against yours, you let out a small noise against his mouth out of surprise but was quick to melt into the kiss. Your arms wrapped tighter around Yeosang's shoulders as you leaned into him, one of your hands moving to cup the back of his neck to pull him closer, your fingers curling at the nape of his neck, running them through the long strands of hair, your seemingly small actions making him hum lowly against your lips.
He began lowering you to the ground lying you down gently in the grass, never parting from you and never slowing down. In fact, his kisses became more heated and almost desperate. Never would you have imagined you'd be doing this. Kissing Yeosang seemed like a unattainable dream—a fantasy, yet here you are lying under him on the grass as he practically devours you.
Your hands clutched onto his shoulders grabbing fistfuls of his school sweater vest. He kept making small noises against your mouth sending a wave of butterflies through your stomach.
To your dismay, Yeosang parted ways with you a few moments later, his lips pink and puffy from the intense kiss, his half-lidded eyes gazing down at you.
"I like you so much, Y/n." Yeosang breathed, lovingly stroking your cheek with his thumb.
His confession made your heart leap with joy. Yeosang liked you.
"I like you too."
As soon as the words passed your lips you realized Dojoon was right. You were the oblivious one. Yeosang liked you this whole time and you had no idea. Only now that he was looking down at you with eyes full of adoration did you realize he'd looked at you like that so many times before and you were none the wiser.
"So, does this make us a thing?" You asked.
Yeosang raised an amused brow. "What kind of thing?"
He knew what you were getting to, but he wanted you to say it.
"Boyfriend and girlfriend." You uttered sheepishly.
You could see that all too familiar tiny smile on Yeosang's face, the one where he's clearly trying to hold back a much bigger grin.
"I guess it's official, then." He said.
The smile on your own face quickly dropped.
"Wait." You paused, looking around. "Where's your card?"
Yeosang's eyes widened as he realized he didn't have it in his hand anymore, frantically searching the area, spotting the card just a couple feet away in the grass.
"Ah." He scrambled to grab Carlotta Pinkstone's card from the ground. He must have dropped it during your makeout session. "I'd better put this somewhere safe until I can put it in my folio magi." He huffed out a nervous laugh.
"Here, I'll put it in the side pocket of my bag until we get back to the dormitory."
"Good idea."
Once the card was in a safe place, you settled back in your spot at the base of the tree, Yeosang resting his head in your lap once again. Your hand cupped his cheek, gazing down fondly at him as your heart swelled with adoration. Finally you could call Yeosang yours. Not just your friend, but your boyfriend. He took your hand that rested on his cheek and brought it to his lips, pressing a long kiss to your knuckles.
"We're going to have to head back to the school in a few minutes for our next class." You reminded him.
"I know." He sighed, closing his eyes. "Let's just stay here like this for a little while longer."
Hongjoong ⟡ Seonghwa ⟡ Yunho ⟡ San ⟡ Mingi ⟡ Yunho ⟡ Jongho
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Note 2.0: Fun fact, when I was originally writing this I searched a list of famous witches and wizards. While researching, I read that Glanmore Peakes was a famous slayer of the Sea Serpent of Cromer 👀 So of course I had to choose him as one of the cards Yeosang pulled haha
Masterlist ᝰ — enjoyed this imagine? reblogs & comments are very much appreciated!
DO NOT steal, plagiarize, copy, repost, alter, or translate my works in any way
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🏷 @h3arteyes4mingi @weird-bookworm @poppy2007 @parkjennykim @evidive @mxlly143 @lizzymizzy-blogg @minhanbyeol @dinossaurz @laylasbunbunny [tag list closed. check availability on my pinned post]
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ON MONDAY, I (FINALLY) MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NEWEST ERAGON BOOK!
MURTAGH
“A Book I Read”
It took three very patient friends of mine to encourage me to finish reading this. I took notes the whole way through, and I am now sharing those in hope of finding loving community with my fellow haters.
Important context:
I loved Eragon, which came out when I was roughly eleven
Christopher Paolini was the first author to ever disappoint me
I used to love epic fantasy, until feminism, coming out, and learning about literary criticism made me just too mean to enjoy it
Since 2015, whenever I’ve had writer’s block, I’ve found inspiration by looking at this screenshot:
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Christopher has managed to create a life where his mum has never stopped doing his laundry or his editing for him. He has never worked a job in his life. He has infinite time to work on his craft, and yet, with all of those advantages, he writes the way he does. I don’t hate him, but I do want to destroy him in single combat.
LET US BEGIN.
17 November 2023
I forgot how obsessed this man is with proving he knows rare words. Picking up my phone to google the word “trenchant”.
He really just didn’t want to say the dragon had a sharp sense of humour huh? Oh, no, it’s TRENCHANT. It wasn’t even for dialogue I identified as comedy but Murtagh thought it was TRENCHANT. He and Thorn have been alone in the wilderness for too long
NOT NASUADA BEING DESCRIBED AS HAVING ALMOND EYES
Of course the protagonist has grown a beard. He’s A Man Now.
I have a theory that this book is about coming to terms with marriage. Murtagh is like “our bond… our bond that lasts until death… the oldest magic… only the two of us understand each other. But, we’re also trapped with each other,” and I’m like hm. Fascinating. Say more
Instantly Murt befriends a child, to prove he is good really.
It’s so weird to read a book by a grown man with kids who is like “how did we all start out so innocent and pure…” like have you MET five year olds
This whole fork fight scene makes me feel second hand embarrassment deep in my soul. It’s SO This Guy Is The Best And Coolest
“Fencing with effortless ease” I do not care how well trained he is: you cannot kill four men with long swords by stabbing them with a little fork in “four hard impacts.” It’s just not happening.
I’m really dwelling on the idea of magic as “imposing your will” on something. It’s very.., something. Murtagh cleans his shirt by “imposing his will on the garment” like. Okay, I suppose in a way that is how all laundry is done, but it’s. Hm.
How come he’ll clean a shirt with magic but not shave with magic? Why are these books SO obsessed with beards and shaving and how to do shave and using magic for shaving etc etc, Eragon was also majorly preoccupied with this
Paolini’s got so many complexes on the page. All the “we’re half brothers and your dad killed my dad” stuff is A LOT
The naming stuff… SMH what would Ursula Le Guin say about all this
I’m obsessed with how even as (gasp) an OUTCAST!! Murtagh can’t not be the coolest guy ever for any time at all. It’s like a disease
Giving the child the enchanted killing fork was the worst decision ever made. Murtagh gives her a murder weapon and is then moping like “what’s it like… to live without killing…” literally pages later.
I’m really startled that Murt is delighted to see a tiny flying magical grass boat come down from the sky and circle him instead of being like “wtf, I’m being Watched,” which would be the true act of a man we are told is paranoid
I just got to the bit where Murtagh offhandedly says that magic users who “are the heaviest” always have the most spell reserves.
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Like……… what???? Magic eats your fat?? It burns glucose??
You could be a better mage if you just, ate a bunch of raspberry frogs before each fight??????
It’s food powered??? You really want to go there, Paolini????? Wizards in the candy shop, eating sweeties like Mistborns?
GOD, if only Galbatorix had chugged a bottle of red cordial before his last big fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I return after losing my mind about this to my partner for forty minutes)
If it was “if you’re hungry you can’t FOCUS” I’d get it. But I always assumed it was like, you know how other fantasy does it? Some kind of pool of ADDITIONAL energy that you are accessing and that can be used up (until you go too far and start using life force or whatever). Like, it’s CHANNELLING it that makes you tired, not that it’s literal food energy.
Murtagh is always running or doing his sword forms or whatever and now I’m like “DUDE, NO!!!?!? DON’T BURN YOUR WIZARD CALORIES!!?!?”
I like when magic can’t do EVERYTHING, when it’s consistent or limited in some way, but I do hate the idea that it’s this predictable. Food energy becomes raw magical power. I GUESS.
(A little later)
Screaming at the suggestion Thorn can tell when Murtagh is horny.
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I don’t like the euphemisms. It makes it worse
The fact he can’t talk to his dragon whenever they’re “too far apart” (distance never specified) is making me insane. Why did I pick up the dragon riding book if it’s mostly about leaving your dragon locked up at the bike rack
I know Thorn is basically a rescue dog with anxiety, but it bothers me how much he’s left on his own. The narrative just has no idea what to use him for other than speedy transport for the first um… 200 pages, it seems? He’s meant to be his own creature with his own intelligence. He doesn’t go anywhere without Murtagh though. So what is he doing all the time
I think Paolini WANTS his world to be big and mysterious (his introduction literally just keeps saying things in the world of the story are mysterious) but he HAS to keep explaining everything
24 November 2023
I’ve figured out something that annoys me about the world of this book, in terms of just how the worldbuilding is not actually that magical. It has the D&D problem!!! Which is to say that every regular person on earth is Level One and every important character is like, level 12. And part of what makes that even worse is that all women in this world are level zero.
I’ve been watching my friend Chris play the first Alan Wake game and we realised that all the faceless enemies that are possessed by Evil in the game are… working class men. The protagonist is this literate wealthy New York writer who is constantly killing faceless workers—farmers, loggers, coal miners, builders. And that’s not an INTENTIONAL commentary by the game, but it’s very revealing. And This book is the same in that: there is no such thing as a complicated poor person. They’re all either Dirty Evil or Dirty Good. Murtagh is going around, writing poetry in his head and inventing magical computer code, and then every child is an urchin who is like Oi Guvnah, and every dad is gruff, and every woman is worried.
The language used to describe everyone who isn’t a Fighting Man is so demeaning. And even then, we only need to respect the leaders of those men. The leaders are the only ones with depth who might need to be taken seriously.
It’s like Murtagh has a tally in his head where he is going “finally, a guy who is level 6”!
Most people in this world exist to deliver information to the protagonist.
Paolini either thinks his readers are too dumb to understand that his characters exist between scenes, or he doesn’t understand himself that we don’t need to see every time Murtagh enters a city under a new name and how he does it. Or know what he ate for dinner and how he prepared it and where he slept and what he dreamed and, and, and—
It’s weird because Paolini is being self indulgent as fuck but it is NOT fun to read. This dude really just needs to go write a survival story or something… A guy in the woods depending on nothing but his wits and his axe and his beard and his libertarian values
I don’t understand the stakes at play. All the magic scenes with Mind Penetration are so sudden and hard to actually understand as action. And the way it works is about brute force, so the dragon is not going to be at risk of being taken over except by another, even bigger dragon
It would be fun to read the Murtagh city sleuth segments if Thorn was backseat driving a little. I think that their bond should not get thinner over distance. The fact that it does just defeats the point of a magical bond.
Why does the dragon have to stay so far away? Like… it’s established that there’s a spell to conceal a dragon from sight. Dude. You could just go fucking invisible
There’s so many decisions that just are so bonkers to have made. The whole fetch quest for information pissed me off so bad. “You have to join the guard” (40 pages of emotions about uniforms ensue). This guy learned about plots from video games
Paolini had kids apparently, but you can tell he doesn’t really understand kids. “How do they all start out so innocent and pure,” says a man who has never heard a seven year old describe someone being killed by farts before.
The description of Murtagh carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried is very funny. I don’t know if Paolini has ever carried a cat before. If you’re carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried close to your chest, and you tighten your grip when it squirms… say goodbye to your nipples, my man
It’s strange how much Paolini doesn’t explore the things that seem to be the point. FOR EXAMPLE, the fantasy soul bond trope loves to say “even during sex!??! 👀” because it’s about INTIMACY, and some alien presence always being there. The dragon rider trope is popular because dragons are powerful and wise but also Beasts. Magic is fun to read about because it can do things that can’t be explained.
Paolini’s world is big, but nothing in it has any real substance. Nothing in it has any real consequence, and it makes it impossible to really invest in anything that happens. None of these poor city folks have a life once they leave the scene of delivering Murtagh information… or if they are a woman, delivering him a hot meal. There’s no sense of a world that exists outside Murtagh’s point of view!
25 November 2023
The towns so far don’t feel at all distinctive to me! I was interested in the one with the massive lake, but then it having this massive fish in it was the only point of interest. It would be fun to have been like “oh the fish has ruined our summer festival! It’s ruined the nobility pleasure cruises! It’s also eating fishermen!” Or “Why do all these fishing boats have huge spikes on the prow? Well,”
Again, these guys are all level one in peasant dirt town. They have no capacity for individual thought and no ability to adapt.
It’s like Paolini doesn’t know what makes people and places in fantasy feel distinct, or have culture. It’s so evident in how much he HASN’T thought about. For example, the bonkers amount of restrictive gender norms that he doesn’t seem AT ALL CONSCIOUS OF? Everyone who died in the war was A Man. No women died in the war. But that hasn’t resulted in any social changes. There aren’t more women doing work, for example, like being fishermen
I remember being thirteen or so and reading the bit in the second book where Arya explains to Eragon that she’s better and stronger than a human woman, because she is an elf, so Eragon doesn’t have to worry about her in battle. I was this kid there like “man, that sucks. I assume he’s coming back to that assumption later,” and… he never did. He still hasn’t. And that sucks
The dragon riders were not THAT long ago, in the world of these books. It makes me wonder—were none of them human women? I always assumed that some were human women, but… did dragons only choose elf men, elf women, and human men? If they chose human women, then even being accepted into a paramilitary dragon force didn’t change gender expectations in the rest of the world. What the fuck. He’s really never thought about this.
Women keep showing up as cunning-mysterious, as humble dirtmothers, or as innocent children. Oh my god I’m just describing maiden mother crone. That’s all he’s capable of.
I just got up to where he rescues the werecat baby (innocent girl child) and settles in to hear the stories of elder werecat (cunning-mysterious)
I noticed the Arya Problem with how Nasuada is described in this book, too. Every woman has to be the best, most capable, most powerful woman ever, to be worth the attention of The Boys. Otherwise they can’t respect her. Only two literal queens can be considered worthy of just two average guys who got pet lizards. Even then, they’re not actual equals.
“She still empathised for me.” Yes, don’t worry, Murtagh, I remember that’s what women are for.
I should note that the reason Nasuada is considered so powerful and so much worthy of his love and is her strength as a person. This is proven in the Eragon books because “she still empathised” with Murtagh whilst he was medieval torturing her. He was medieval torturing her for like… most of a book and that’s how they fell in love. Because she could see in his eyes that this guy torturing her… was Complicated. He didn’t really WANT to be medieval torturing her so she actually felt worse for him than he felt about how he was (and I can’t stress this enough) medieval torturing her
I just can’t imagine that THE QUEEN OF A WHOLE CONTINENT would still prefer the guy who sadly tortured her. He’s her top preference. Out of EVERY OTHER MAN IN THE WORLD
I put the book down until the day before I was meant to have finished the book for book club:
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10 March 2024: from page 274 onwards
The evil witch is called BACHEL?????!!?!??!? Fucking BACHEL. Pronounced “buh-SHELL”, the guide at the back says. You changed one letter in Rachel, don’t lie to me Paolini
I got so mad being reminded the evil king Galbatorix was defeated by “Eragon forcing empathy upon him” so that he magically exploded himself out of guilt that I had to put the book down and complain to Charlie for five straight minutes
I guess that’s why Galbatorix made Murtagh torture Nasuada for him. He knew that if he’d done it himself she would have empathised with him too hard and he would’ve exploded himself
Murtagh has never met a single person he has respected. Murtagh is the specialest boy in all the land. Eragon had to leave the country because they were both too special to share a continent
Murtagh decided on where to go and he was immediately surrounded by armed guards who took him to where the plot was
Paolini uses the fucking word “admixed” while discussing EATING A PIE. The flavours admixed in his mouth. Just because you know a word… doesn’t mean it’s a word to deploy about eating a pie
I HATE how the only people strong enough to do the strongest magic are Elves Or Human Riders. It’s fucking magic my guy! Why is it checking your goddamn DNA! Also, hey! Wasn’t it supposed to come down to the strongest wizards being the guys who ate the most for lunch?
In a world of Magic how come every wizard battle ultimately comes down to who is a better Professor X?? I came here for fireballs, not Mind Battles. I don’t care about your Mental Wards
Hahaha Murtagh!!! Get trapdoored, bitch!!!!
Dragon panic attacks: conceptually cool but a bit ?? Like ah… the plot literally comes to scoop him up and carry him away. Yet again something outside of Murtagh makes a decision for him about what to do next
Murtagh’s poetry is going to make me explode myself like Galbatorix in book 4
If there’s something I like about this book so far it’s just the bits where he and Thorn are camping. Not flying, because then Murtagh is using the time to think and that’s horrible. The bits where they make campfires or whatever feel like something is actually happening. A guy and his dragon hanging out
Man. The way this novel is plotted really reminds me that it’s not actually that hard to write a book.
Murtagh goes to the evil village (oh yeah there’s an evil village. It is where Bachel lives. She is evil because she does magic without using the magic language). The village is called:
NAL GORGOTH
But I couldn’t remember this so I kept referring to it in my head by another, more familiar, name
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Murtagh is so freaked out by finding a village with architecture that he doesn’t recognise. He’s like “My god!!! Nasuada has to be warned!!!” Ok but about what??? New ways of building pillars???? The art deco movement threatens the land??
Kinda fascinated by how much this village represents a threat to CULTURE. The architecture, the people… Everything about it so far is designed to be A Foreign Threat. The inhabitants are Of All Races (except elves they are too cool too pure etc). The humans have A VARIETY OF SKIN COLOURS, which memorably never happens in Alagaesia, a continent once explicitly described in the Eragon books as only having two (2) black people on it at all (then one died) (the other is Nasuada) (the one who died was her dad)
This guy with a goatee isn’t quite human. He is maybe part urgal and he is so uncomfortable to look at! Mainly he has arms that are a bit too long!! Bachel isn’t a human and also isn’t an elf, and that’s also deeply unsettling.
Bachel also fundamentally represents a threat to THE STRUCTURING POWER OF LANGUAGE, huh??
Bachel is so far the most interesting character in the book!
Bachel has: ALMOND EYES and AMBER SKIN
Murtagh is so upset and confused when Bachel calls him “my son” like… I’m cryign. “But she’s not my mother! I know my mother!!” he thinks, in a panic.
If this was a fantasy novel written twenty to thirty years ago, then the sexual tension between Murtagh and Bachel would be absolutely insane. Alas, this is a world of abstinence, and sexuality is only ever meaningful looks between a queen and the guy who tortured her (it is weird how he keeps caressing Nasuada’s face on the gold coins)
It’s very funny that Bachel has specifically fourteen warriors. The prose keeps telling us that there’s fourteen of them. So you get Murtagh stepping forwards and then sentences like “the fourteen warriors attending Bachel shifted”
She seems like a perfectly normal cult leader to me? Why is she automatically a threat to Nasuada! How come the two of them can’t arrange a toxic political marriage that becomes… something more 😉😉😉
Nothing annoys me more in this book than Murtagh being able to identify specific vintages of wine. It keeps happening and it pisses me off
Bachel is a half elf!!! “It had never occurred to him that such a thing might be possible.” This is truly and absolutely unbelievable to me. Nobody in this world ever has sex
How did it take so long to get to such an objectively cool village!!! Like this is just a cool place!!! Sorry that Nar Nar Goon is evil but like FINALLY something has style
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Three thoughts at once:
I’m so bored that Paolini’s mind can’t get more interesting than temple virgins, let alone wearing white to represent ritualistic purity. Like… nobody in this world fucks anyway, why does it matter!
Murtagh should also wear white all the time
Lesbianism doesn’t count as a violation of being temple chosen. Alín is wearing lesbianism
Paolini has never once written a woman who is Normal. He just can’t conceive of it. You can feel how he starts sweating.
Murtagh finally realised it was a cult. What sets it apart as a cult is that the followers appear to be “half-wits” to him
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I’m going to detransition to break his fucking neck
Paolini has learned nothing since he had a woman deliver the exact same line in like 2008. The fact that another editor just thumbsed this up. The fact that this is in a book published in 2023. Well, now I’m REALLY embarking on an antagonistic reading: that’s right, I am reading women as capable.
Obsessed with Bachel. She is a girlboss and I’m a feminist xxx
Book is constantly weird about how much she is capable of eating and drinking at her feasts and how it makes her appear swollen and bloated etc etc. Murtagh is so weirded out by this because he feels it is unfeminine… as though she is not a witch and we weren’t told earlier that how much magic you have is directly equal to how much you eat. (Meanwhile he is only picking at his food and eating just enough of it ‘to be polite’ as though this is not making a decision to have less magic than her)
She has so much charisma compared to anyone else in the book. If my choices are her or Murtagh then sign me up boys!!!
Okay but much like how this would’ve been a VERY charged relationship 30 years ago, I’m weirdly disappointed Bachel she isn’t not described as megahot? Like the book keeps telling me about this virginal templemaiden or whatever, because Murtagh is only attracted to women he can rescue. But I’m actually just like… I think this woman is hot. Tell me more about her. It’s wild that this book is written by a guy like Paolini, who told me all about Oromis’ pubic hair in 2008, and who barely thinks women are people. Yet he doesn’t want to discuss her tiddies?
This book could, and should! have started when Murtagh landed his dragon in the evil village of Nar Nar Goon. That’s the point that stuff got actually interesting. Everything before this was literally video game fetch quest logic plotting that earned him the right to fly to Nar Nar Goon.
Boar hunt. More like BORED hunt. And then suddenly there are so many pigs, a comical number of them flying everywhere
This motherfucker using the phrase “the boar was lying athwart him” in a sentence in an action scene????
Murtagh is nearly dead and the boar is lying athwart him?
I’m going back in time and bullying the author at school
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RIP Murtagh, trambled to death by 30-50 wild hogs
Oh god every time someone knocks Murtagh out he has a vision or a bad dream or a flashback or whatever and it’s so tiring
“EXISTENCE WAS A TOMB WHEREIN THE SINS OF THE PAST LAID INTERRED???” Do you ever read a sentence that sounds so much like the author is jerking it? “All had been lost, and there before him lay the instrument of their destruction” he is furiously jerking it oh my god. “Destroyer of hope, eater of light” oh, god, he’s still going
…This book is. Weird about mothers
Murtagh flies into a rage because Bachel mercy killed a guy who was dying bc of boar trampling because “I COULD HAVE HEALED HIM!!!!!” And the mercy killing is proof it is a cult. Because doing it Bachel’s way meant the guy was too relaxed and at peace when he died
Paolini’s family were in a cult, as I understand. So it’s kind of weird how much he doesn’t really understand how being in a cult works
I don’t really remember how religion works in this world, but I do remember tuning out of a long boring passage in book 2 or 3 where Eragon learned about all the gods and decided he was an atheist. It’s especially weird to be like “holy shit, an EVIL religion??!” In a book where religion has absolutely never come up before now
Oh my god, Alìn was whipped for being ‘too familiar’ with Murtagh!!! That’s because she’s so pure and a helpless victim girl in all white :’((
In my mind Bachel and Alìn COULD be in a fucked up lesbian relationship with bad BDSM etiquette. Of course Paolini can’t imagine a world where women have enough personality or agency to fall in toxic love with each other. Also even though he has people tied up and strapped down and whipped and being tortured etc in every book don’t think he knows that BDSM like. Exists. Boooooo
Murtagh: killing one guy who is dying of a punctured lung is the ultimate evil!
Also Murtagh: I know an invisibility spell, but to sneak out of my room I am going to suffocate seven men to death
Genuinely upsetting to read those men dying. He made it impossible for air to enter or exit their lungs with a word. Veins popping clawing at faces etc. God, what a way to go. So unnecessarily cruel. Yep, there goes the good guy
The main way the village is evil is that there are unsettling carvings everywhere. Paolini read some Lovecraft, but he did not understand what was up with it. Or maybe he did, because this book did get a lot more weird about Racial Purity once Murtagh arrived in Lovecraft Village
11 March 2024
There’s a bloodstain that “filled Murtagh with the apprehension of evil” and it confused me because these books are so gory. Earlier he killed four men with a fork. But like oh yeah I guess it’s because when Murtagh murders people now it’s bloodless. I guess. His murders are good you see
This chapter is called The Bad Sleep-Well you can tell Paolini thought he was a real genius for this one
Okay but why are there bats… roosting… in a cave… at night. And why is Murtagh worried that red light will risk waking them? Animals cannot see red light?? SOME FARM BOY YOU ARE, PAOLINI
Okay I have to stop nitpicking. I have to restrain myself until my Vyvanse kicks in
“Murtagh felt a sense of not just age but antiquity. Whoever had built the stairs had done so long before Alagaesia had been a settled place. What was it Bachel had said? That the cultists had lived in Nal Gorgoth since before elves were elves... He was starting to think she had told the truth.”
Sorry uhhhh, Alagaesia was settled?? When they talk about The Grey Ones, are they talking about a race PRIOR TO COLONISATION?????????
“He continued forward. Deeper into the womb of the earth. Deeper into the black unknown, seeking, seeking, always seeking a farther shore, every sense razor-sharp and razor-scraped, skin all goosefleshed, cold sweat dripping down the back of his neck and gathering around his belted waist.”
God it’s so overwrought...
He found the well!!
Oh my god. The well is a natural magic hotspot and that means it “wasn’t the sort of thing that the Draumar ought to have dominion over.” It’s a natural resource???
“Not that he would want Du Vrangr Gata to assume control over such an important location either. This was exactly what the Riders had been created for: to oversee and mediate that which could destabilize the land.”
Murtagh is going to bring democracy to the Middle East
He’s too scared to mentally contact his dragon with Bachel around. If he was a proper horse girl he would find a way
Oh Galbatorix BECAME evil because he met Bachel and she manipulated him. Haha oh dear. No, you can’t just come to the conclusion the dragon rider paramilitary force who controls the resources are bad on your own. Not just because they sent you into the mountains when they knew it was dangerous and wanted to find out if you’d be killed up there! No, a manipulation had to have happened
It’s funny to me that the evil ancient witch queen who lives in seclusion in the mountains uses the new name for the city of Uru’baen. Oh no, she knows it as Ilirea. She’s hundreds and hundreds of years old. You know what that is? Evidence of Find And Replace, to me.
Bachel’s eyes are “glowing with fevered ecstasy.” I could make her feel that way. Also. Because, I know about sex
Always with the fucking passing out at the end of the chapter for Christopher James Paolini
NOW Bachel is being described appropriately as a hottie. FINALLY. GOD! It only took Murtagh being mind controlled in his brain but I. I!!! I could see the glorious light of truth!!
“He followed, dumb and wildered.” Well, not as much as that sentence. (You can be bewildered. But can you ever just be wildered????)
The dedication to making Murtagh the most pitiful little meow meow in existence in the Galbatorix flashbacks I’m… what happened to the joys of a guy who is evil because he was convinced or was tricked, not because he was fully brain abused???
The Urgals are racially… uncomfortable. Yellow eyes and Murtagh just straight up saying “how do you speak English”
The evil guys have masks and they put them on and like channel the animals the masks are of and on one hand it’s an idea I THINK is cool but also combined with the everything it really has this “tribal stuff is threatening” vibe all over it
“What do you want, witch?”
“I want you.”
Obsessed with how he’s shackled to a table and there’s still an incredible lack of sexual energy to this scene. This is like a day at the office for both of them.
… oh, but she is wearing claws and claws DOES equal a threat of penetration. Maybe a little sexual? As a treat??
Him being tortured reminds him of torturing Nasuada. Wow, it was their first date!
It’s just like. It’s fucked up imo. She should never kiss you Murtagh!!!
Is anything more boring than a torture scene.
Also, was he not drugged right before this scene? How is he able to mentally evade her and power his wards etc?
I’m mad that when he’s brought fancy foods by Alìn he doesn’t share his food with Ubek the Urgal
Oh my god Ubek tells him a story where the moral is just him outright saying at the end, “it’s important to stay close to the people we care for, even if we don’t always fit in so easily” lmao. Subtlety of a mallet
Is anything more boring than a torture scene? How about a torture chapter!!!1!1!1!
This chapter is interminable. Oh my god.
Oh, so we did all that and he gives in I guess. I can’t believe how little agency this man has had throughout this book????
Haha oh my god, Bachel is studying his nude and compliant body in front of her court. Telling him to turn around so she can inspect his back (no mention of his ass even though it is out, tragic). Fucking love it. Now that’s bdsm. Pledging my allegiance to her instantly.
I am BORED. I liked when he was at least doing things of his own volition!
He flies his dragon off on Bachel’s orders and we get the line “Never had air smelled so… so… delicious.” Cryign
GASP he’s killed… CHILDREN!!!!!!! I hate how it only becomes horrifying for him to have done these murders once he realises they’re HUMAN children. Urgal children? The implication is that would’ve been a bit tacky but ultimately fine
Prison brothers blood pact. I feel so little about this. Ubek is 5000x more interesting than Murtagh but he’s been slotted into what is unfortunately a sort of magical indigenous person trope but where instead of being a human being, he is an orc. Which makes the whole trope much worse
Murtagh touched Alìn’s face… gasp! She’s been corrupted by the Touch Of A Man!!!!! (I do not care about this.)
(I care a little. For example she didn’t touch HIM. He just reached out and she didn’t pull away. This is the biggest decision about this character’s life, and she isn’t even allowed to be the one who makes it. He decides on her behalf, and she must be okay with it. Because she doesn’t pull away or fight him off.)
(Also Paolini doesn’t seem to be aware that ‘a woman who has been pledged not to be touched by a man’ would um. USUALLY be understood by a reader as euphemistic. Not that her purity could be forever ruined by a man literally just touching her face)
The way Paolini fills Murtagh’s brainwashed dialogue with oops all ellipses makes me want to tear the book apart with my teeth
Worst: how Grieve the guy who is part urgal is perpetually referred to as “heavy-browed.” “the heavy-browed Grieve” I’m sorry but I missed phrenology school, is that bad??
Also if he’s maybe part Urgal but Murtagh is now given a chance to making it clear that some of his best friends are urgals... Why is Grieve so distastefully described? What’s wrong with being half urgal? My suspicion: it’s the bloodlines intermingling
I suspect I can just skip every fucking dream sequence and flashback. Nothing of any value in these
This one guy, Lyreth, who trapdoored Murtagh for 2.5 seconds ages ago in the book, is TWICE referenced as holding/ touching the waists of “village” or “cultist” women in his dialogue tags. That’s the full extent of it. It’s not that there’s a giggling tavern girl sprawled in his lap while he’s speaking. These faceless women are exclusively sketched into existence by how a named male character’s hand is on their waist. We don’t know anything about how they are responding to his touch, which is extra in-your-face considering that Murtagh just obliterated a woman’s ritual purity by touching her face without asking. And it’s only ever these women’s waist. It’s not their hips or thighs or boobs. He’s not kissing their necks. I’m sure in Paolini’s mind this guy touching women’s waists is meant to read as sexual, which is supposed to reinforce that he’s a scumbag… but it doesn’t work because it’s so impersonal. These women are just… unmoving waists that he is just touching. It serves as a good illustration of how women—and sex and sexuality and bodies—are handled in these books. Men are never ruled by their strong and muscular bodies. Men have minds, and magic, and telepathy battles. Even when Murtagh is on a torture table or when he’s naked in front of a powerful woman who is actively inspecting his body, he doesn’t feel vulnerable. He doesn’t have an ass or a dick. The wind doesn’t make him shiver. He’s just a Mind. But women, well. They only have bodies when men touch them. The course of Alin’s life is defined by Murtagh’s touch, and even Nasuada, a fucking queen, only gets physical description via the coins Murtagh has in his possession and his memory of the cuts and bruises he left on her body. And women also have no minds—unless they’re werecats or elves or half elves, the only kind of woman who are remotely threatening, the only kind of women who are “as good as” the baseline of human men. Nasuada is proven as Murtagh’s equal because she was able to overcome the torture of her body. If he hadn’t tortured her, or if she had broken down, she wouldn’t have proven herself worthy of being his romantic partner.
Eragon’s romantic interest also started out being tortured. Not by him, but “girl who is tortured but is too strong to give up her secrets” was her entire characterisation for a book and a half, until he rescued her. That’s uh. That’s how you find girlfriends who are good enough for your protagonists.
THESE FUCKING BOOKS.
Bachel has put Thorn in a special wrought iron muzzle. Yet again, this is just objectively cool
We learn about who the cult worships: evil dragon underground. He makes fumes come out of the earth and they brainwash people and give them visions. He will come out of the ground and eat the sun unless every living thing worships him.
Really Bachel is not leading a cult she is leading an environmental rescue mission. Quick we gotta get everyone to worship this evil dragon STAT, or he’s going to wipe out all life on earth.
Why does an evil dragon living under the earth with the power to eat the sun (?!??!) actually want or need to be worshipped by “every living thing”. What is his motivation?? And why would that stop him eating the sun?
“The sculptures would have horrified most any artist in Alagaesia, no matter their race.” Mark this down as one of the worst sentences he has written yet!!
I realise now I’ve been misremembering multiple main characters’ names
I like Bachel telling Thorn to stay, like he’s a dog. That’s good to me
Murtagh is learning about the power of friendship to heal himself last minute, I guess
Why is Murtagh pausing to duel fucking Lyreth, the most boring man in the world. Is it because of the waists he touched??? I have never felt this man was worth any time at all
NOT Paolini specifically pointing out that Lyreth “smelled of a cloying peach scented perfume” and that he’s physically weaker than Murtagh as Murtagh overcomes him. Lyreth was too feminine to be strong, in the end
This book is obsessed with the word “youngling.” Murtagh says to Thorn “don’t kill any younglings.” He’s fighting Lyreth but he’s not worried because he himself is “no longer a youngling”. Fucking fuck off! just say youth. Child. Kid. Teenager even!! Come on!!
Murtagh going “this is taking too long” in the duel: me at the whole book thus far
“Is wrong-think to worship Bachel or Azlagur,” says Ubek. This is real dialogue in a book published in real 2023. Oh yeah btw everything he says is written like this
Oh, the urgal’s size and brute strength makes him Murtagh’s equal. I see
Grieve is legitimately yelling “kill the non-believers!!” and calling them desecrators??? Cartoon hours
To start winning the fight, all Murtagh had to do was find his magic sword! It stores all his potency and he inherited it from his father. Freud?? Don’t worry about it
The cultists are bleeding green blood???? Does this mean they’re not human or is it the lighting or what.
Groups of dragons are always being described as a Thunder Of. They’re only ever being described in visions but it’s always being described as “a thunder of dragons”, because Paolini is very proud of inventing his very own collective noun for dragons I guess
Buncha little pasty freaks showing up.
Murtagh’s ultimate challenge: he has to fight one hundred gollums
Paolini inventing new guys for his dungeon at unprecedented rates
Murtagh is legitimately busy trying to think of new names for his sword NOW?? He is just going to stop in the middle of this urgent fight to go find where the bad woman (Bachel) took the good woman (Alìn) to go “my sword has a bad name. It could have a good name.” Did he not have time while he was mouldering in the dungeon to think about this
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He’s checking his compendium, like in video games.
Books have never been worse. If Murtagh/Paolini calls this sword Scar I will legitimately never know peace
Oh the sword is called Freedom now. Get it? Like America? It’s the most important value??
“Seeing the armor, Murtagh realized that the leather garb the cultists had donned for the festival of black smoke had been made to resemble Bachel's fantastic suit.”
what a sentence
This is the worst
I hate how her spear has a name and a dramatic history. Like come on
Fucking mind battles again
Alin is just… I’m sorry to her, but she’s not a real person. She’s a cardboard cutout in distress
The final boss fight should not be taking place in the magical world of the mind
Now she’s calling him “infidel?” Okay
The ultimate battle: the structuring power of masculine language versus the primeval chaos of raw women’s emotion!!! Who will win!! Hint: Christopher Paolini wrote this!
“She seemed merely a woman again.”
‘Merely’ is how Paolini always describes women (when he thinks they’re worth describing of course)
Wait… is the only reason Bachel has been intimidating REALLY just because she’s been channelling a tough evil boy dragon? Once the mask is gone and he’s not empowering her… she’s merely…
I’m going to kick Christopher Paolini’s fucking ass
Murtagh feels so emotionally close to Bachel. As he splits her skull. Normal book
For real why were ALL the Riders so afraid of Bachel??? The gas fumes? Face masks not invented?? This seems pretty easy to solve like if they’d just. Sent more than one guy?
He passes out and the chapter ends of course. Then he wakes up in the city
Ah, Alin is blonde and blue eyed. She was a pale skinned virgin who needed rescuing from an evil and also foreign almond eyed amber skinned woman who was whipping her. You know how it goes
I hate how Alìn always calls Murtagh “my lord.” She’s like one of those medieval fighting game banners of a sexy woman. She’s a cartoon.
Isn’t it a shame that when Murtagh hastily gets out of bed to bow to Nasuada he is wearing pants. So much funnier if he wasn’t
I’m so over this book holy shit
Oh, for being the apparently only sole survivor of Murtagh’s obliteration of her cult and everything she’s ever known, Alìn is being promoted to… Nasuada’s maid. That’s not what she asked for. That’s just what she’s being told she’s going to do from now on. Fucking hell.
Nasuada is Jealous of this blonde woman and I was afraid for her because Nasuada is also famously the only black woman on the continent. But of course she has nothing to fear because only the most powerful woman in the land could ever be remotely Murtagh’s equal, which she proved by being stronger at being tortured than him
She asks him to stay and she touches his hand just lightly
The END??
They don’t even kiss?!!!?!! I had to read it twice to be sure. SEXLESS BOOK.
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thecreaturecodex · 3 months
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Ranna
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"Slaadi" © Wizards of the Coast, by Sam Wood
[New Year, New Monsters! I am feeling much less burnt out than I was for the back half of 2023, and have built up a small backlog of new writing. I'm going to keep monsters I post to 2/week for now, to give myself time to go through said backlog in case the burnout rears up again when I'm back to work.
So for my first trick, is a monster NPC I actually wrote back in like September, but didn't post. Consider her an epilogue to the whole "Monster Girl Summer" thing. Ranna is @strawberry-crocodile's character, and fits with some of my other monstrous NPCs. She's Doctor Shiny's main minion, and their relationship serves as sort of a nasty counterpart to Gigi and Priscilla's. Of course, if you just want to use the stat block as a particularly burly slaad enforcer type, that works just as well as Ranna's baroque and macabre backstory.]
Ranna CR 18 CE Aberration This blue, frog-like humanoid has a triangular fanged snout, warty skin and enormous claws growing from the backs of their hands. A red gemstone is embedded in their skull, right between the eyes.
Marina Rhynne was an alchemy student at Endirion School in Absalom, prone to anxiety and to thinking with her stomach. She caught the eye of Doctor Agatha Shiny, who used the pretext of a dinner invitation and offer of a graduate program to abduct her and implant her with an alchemically treated red slaad egg. Doctor Shiny succeeded in one of her goals, which was to cause memories to be passed from the host to the parasite, but failed in that the resultant blue slaad did not maintain the intelligence of her progenitor. The resultant slaad, named Ranna, could recall her previous life in a hazy, dream-like way, but the predominant personality trait that was carried over was hunger.
Ranna is now Doctor Shiny’s Number One Minion, her assassin, procurer and lover. If Doctor Shiny needs someone eliminated or an unusual creature captured and brought to her, Ranna is the one to do it. She usually tracks her targets as an unassuming humanoid until she can set up an ambush and remove her greater hat of disguise. Ranna fights with her natural weapons almost exclusively, although she does occasionally toy with targets by battering them with heavy objects hurled by telekinesis. Although she is lapdog-loyal to Doctor Shiny and always follows her instructions for her specified victims, Ranna enjoys collateral damage, which usually involves biting bystanders. She views any red slaadi that are created through chaos phagethe way a proud parent views their children, and is happy to hear of any death and destruction they create.
Ranna’s personality is playful in a cruel way. She sees her progenitor, Marina Rhinne, as a pathetic figure, and has an air of contempt towards academic pursuits in general. She still appears as Rhynne when abroad in Absalom, and is the terror of Endirion School’s faculty, staff and students as Doctor Shiny’s personal assistant. Ranna is happy to play the bad guy so that Doctor Shiny can maintain her impeccable public reputation, and takes matters into her own claws if anyone gets too close to the truth about Doctor Shiny’s goals and activities. Ranna tends to dispose of the evidence of her murders by eating the corpses of her victims. She is also an excellent chef. Doctor Shiny does not eat food that Ranna prepares unless she is very sure of where the meat came from.
Ranna  CR 18 XP 153,600 Blue slaad slayer 9 (cutthroat) CE Large aberration (chaotic, slaadi) Init +8; Senses darkvision 60 ft., Perception +19
Defense AC 33, touch 20, flat-footed 24 (-1 size, +8 Dex, +1 dodge, +9 natural, +4 armor, +2 deflection) hp 303 (11d8+9d10+200); fast healing 6 Fort +22, Ref +20, Will +15 Immune mind reading, sonic; Resist acid 10, cold 10, electricity 10, fire 10; SR 19
Offense Speed 30 ft. Melee +3 bite +32 (2d6+16 plus disease), 2 +3 claws +32 (2d6+16/19-20x3) Space 10 ft.; Reach 10 ft. Special Attacks augmented critical, opportune target, rend (2 claws, 2d6+22), sneak attack +3d6, stab and grab, studied target (swift or move action, +2) Spell-like Abilities CL 8th, concentration +11 3/day—hold person (DC 15), passwall, telekinesis (DC 18) 1/day—chaos hammer (DC 17)
Statistics Str 36, Dex 26, Con 30, Int 10, Wis 14, Cha 16 Base Atk +17; CMB +31 (+33 bull rush); CMD 52 Feats Alertness,Awesome Blow, Combat Reflexes, Dodge, Improved Bull Rush, Improved Critical (claw), Improved Natural Attack (bite), Intimidating Prowess, Killing Flourish, Power Attack Skills Acrobatics +20 (+24 in urban environments), Bluff +16, Climb +20, Disable Device +25, Disguise +16, Intimidate +34, Linguistics +4, Perception +19 (+23 vs. traps), Profession (chef) +14, Sense Motive +19, Stealth +21, Survival +15 Languages Common, Slaadi SQ legendary, slayer talents (surprise attack, trapfinding [trap sense +3], stalker, street stalker (Acrobatics) Gear manual of gainful exercise +4 (expended), manual of quickness of action +2 (expended), manual of bodily health +4 (expended), belt of physical perfection +4, bloodstained gloves, greater hat of disguise, soulbound eye, amulet of mighty fists +3, bracers of armor +4, boots of teleportation, cloak of resistance +3, ring of mind shielding, ring of protection +2, potion of fly (x2), potion of displacement, potion of haste, potion of lesser restoration (x2), potion of cure light wounds (x4), masterwork cooking tools, 150 gp
Special Abilities Augmented Critical (Ex) A blue slaad’s claws deal x3 damage on a successful critical hit. Disease (Su) Chaos phage; bite—injury; save Fort DC 25; onset 1 minute; frequency 1/day; effect 1d6 Con damage and 1d6 Cha damage; cure 2 consecutive saves. A creature that is reduced to 0 Con or Cha by chaos phage is immediately transformed into a red slaad. This transformation can only be reversed by a miracle or wish. A Small or Medium humanoid with levels in an arcane spellcasting class instead transforms into a green slaad. The save DC is Constitution based. Legendary (Ex) Ranna’s statistics are built with 25 point buy, and she has the equipment of an 18th level PC. These advantages increase her CR by +1. Opportune Target (Ex) If Ranna can act in the surprise round, she can study a foe as a free action and select them as her studied target. Stab and Grab (Ex) As a swift action, Ranna can attempt a steal combat maneuver against a dead or unconscious foe, or against a studied target that she has successfully confirmed a critical hit against. A dead or unconscious opponent takes a -10 penalty against this maneuver. Street Stalker (Ex) Ranna adds ½ her slayer level to Acrobatics checks made in urban environments.
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wizardfrog69 · 1 year
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may i request the doa with a fem s/o who has pmdd pleasessss
Ofc you may, thank you for the request!
'•.¸♡ s/o with pmdd ♡¸.•'
Gn!reader (afab)
Fluff
Masterlist
Tw!!! Self harm, depressive thoughts (not specified)
If this subject is triggering in anyway please do not read, your mental wellbeing is more important.
Enjoy!
Feat. Fyodor, Nikolai, Sigma
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Fyodor
He will be around more often to make sure you're okay and safe.
If you want sleep all day next to him he'll bring a laptop or something to do his silly work stuff.
He already has any of your food cravings ready for you whenever you want to eat something.
If you have any thoughts of a more heavy nature he will encourage you to talk to him and he'll listen to every word you say and he'll be there for you whenever you need him, day or night.
Nikolai
If you'd like to sleep all day and stay awake at night while crying and eating small pretzels he's there with you listening to every little thought which haunts your every waking moment.
He's very clingy but if you want to be left alone he'll sadly leave and buy you some cake to cheer you up.
It's movie night every night with him during the time to take your mind off of things. He's great at distractions and he uses those weird skills to use from time to time.
Sigma
He gets really worried about you and always asks if you're okay or if you need anything.
He'll take as much time off as he can for you and will advise you to stay home if you'd like.
Respectfully hides all sharp and dangerous objects so you won't harm yourself intentionally or unintentionally.
If you want him to leave he'll leave the house but will stay close.
If you get into an argument he'll feel sad but he understands your mind decides to do a somersault into a pool of acid (wtf is that description).
༺♡༻ 𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 ⋆ 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 ༺♡༻
I feel sorry for everyone who has to go through pmdd every month just remember that it will go away. And if you need help of any kind do please look for it even if it seems like a waste of time and energy.
Have a wonderful day/night and do something you like today!
-love, Az the wizard frog:)
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bnb-atnite · 10 months
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plz you are me saviour, pretty please with a fat man on top, I need a Hogwarts AU, chubby!Slytherin!bf Aegon gorging himself at the Great Hall. his house sweater becomes tight and tighter, his belly just peaking beneath with each mouthful & as soon as he takes a huge stretch his belly slides underneath & the sweater pulls into a crop top!!!! MAYBE HE EVEN SEES YOU HASTILY LEAVING your table and catches up with you later, if you catch my drift 🤭 GRRRR it’s the small things that make me feral & you get me boo x
ilysm boobie, you’re going to kill this one !!! 💚💚💚
- @lovelykhaleesiii x
BOOBIE PLEASE I AM GOING INSANE OVER THIS FAT MAN IM GONNA LOSE IT THANK YOU THANK YOU
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Rating: Explicit
Tags: Hogwarts!au, Big ole boy Aegon, the reader is having a crisis, but gives in to the Belly, Typical little shit Aeg behaviors, stuffing, slight bloating/burping, belly riding, dommy Aeggy, Aemond is Tired, Lannister propriety NAUR, pure blood assholery
Improper
You weren’t sure when the weight piled on for your boyfriend (actually betrothed since birth but ended up getting together in year 5.) He went home last summer and came back thicker, more solid. He’d always had a healthy appetite but nothing stuck to his ribs. It was the new year now and you had spent the Yuletide holidays with the Targaryen family. Their haughty looks did not match the rowdy behavior behind closed doors. Poor Alicent tried to keep them in a line.
Even with her scorn…upon coming back to Hogwarts Aegon gorged himself on chocolate frogs, eyes watching out the window as he mindlessly ate. The blonde’s tight sweater was even more snug. He’d gained more to the point that you could see his side had creased and the indent of bellybutton. His gut had gotten big enough that it lipped over his waistband. You blushed and turned to your book, recrossing your legs.
As a Lannister this behavior was unseemly, looks not to standard anymore with all of that extra flesh. Lady Alicent had tried to get you to speak with your betrothed on his recent weight gain, see what to do about it. You had not found a single word yet— going mute and flushing up at acknowledging, “Hey, yeah, why have you blown up like a balloon? Do you stuff yourself back in the Slytherin dorms until you’re about to pop? After dinner?”
Your brothers Tyland and Jason began to pester you and Aeg about it. Jason would pinch a fat lovehandle, howling, “Outta the way first years! Wiiiide load!” Aegon shrugged and lumbered on, belly first. You blushed heavily and hissed, “Quit it Jason. Go to class!” Aegon had raised a brow and hummed, “Jason knows I’ll fuck him up, don’t worry baby.”
Which suspiciously Jason did piss off after Aeg’s comment. Meanwhile his twin Tyland, a Slytherin with Aegon had merely noted, “If he keeps getting bigger, by the wedding you’ll have one fat wizard to try to keep the line going with.”
You were beginning to go nutty thinking about it all. Especially when you’d watch him gorge and feast in the Great Hall, all three meals a day. Eating and eating until he was red in the face and his clothes barely fit anymore. You’d touch yourself over the sight of him rubbing a distended belly while shoveling more down his throat. Snacks in between. Yesterday he blew you off and said he was sick the next day. Furiously hunting down Aemond you questioned the younger brother.
“Why did your asshole brother blow me off last night? He shagging some Slytherin skank?” Aemond eyed your red and gold tie, smirking, “Minus ten points to Gryffindor if that occurred,” you scoffed as he continued, “Hm, no— he just ate too much. Probably would get sick so the glutton was not actually lying.”
You smacked your forehead and hissed, “So he really ate himself out of congress with his girlfriend. I bet the lard-arse didn’t want to take the stairs.” Aemond barked a quick laugh, the smirk dropped from his face soon after.
“I told you to fuck off and find your own, Aemond,” Aegon hissed. The taller brother’s lips tightened and he whipped around with a spray of white-blonde hair. Aegon’s bigger arm curled around your shoulders possessively, purple eyes gazing down. He asked with a bitter note, “What did he want?”
You stiffly replied, “Wondering why you blew me off last night, didn’t quite believe you…love.” Arching a darker blonde eyebrow at Aegon, he suddenly looked shifty, a flush coming atop chubby cheeks. “Aemond told the truth. Said you had a belly ache. Eat too much again Aeg?” He shifted his bulk from one foot to the other, full lips hung open.
He murmured, “Yes. You know I like to eat by now right?” Violet eyes looked slightly vulnerable as Aegon peered down through wavy locks of hair. Still under his arm, you curled into his soft body and sighed, “Of course I know Aeg, you blow yourself up every meal.” His breath hitched a little, lips beginning to curl up in excitement.
He breathed into your ear, “You must be watching then.” You yelped at his low timbre and groping hand, sliding up the skirt for a dirty squeeze of your ass. Aegon held on and asked, “A kiss then? Not running around nor will I blow you off on account of my stomach.” Rolling your eyes you puckered up, smaller frame enveloped by his wide, soft one.
People began to enter the area, you shooing off Aegon’s wandering hand and giving him an appropriate peck on the lips. You had an image to keep unlike certain people. He grinned and sloppily mouthed at your cheek, belly squishing into you. Yelping again to hide the moan you almost let out you shoved him away and chided, “C’mon! I’ll see you later, swine.” Aegon blew a kiss goodbye, sarcastically agreeing, “Yes my love, I can’t wait to see your endearing frown from across the room, brightening up the Gryffindor table!”
Rolling your eyes you stalked off to Potions, cheeks flush from all the interactions and swirling hormones. Cheeky bastard. He was so cute. You had no clue how the idiot did it, he was uncouth and a shameless glutton. You’d be paying attention at supper again, closely.
Which of course left you in agony. Jace’s voice was a mere echo as you watched Aegon glut himself on everything. He ate quickly, like it was his last meal, obviously trying to beat the clock. Paying no mind to side looks or sneers of disgust amongst the stuffy purebloods. A pale hand rubbed circles into the side of his swelling belly, getting bigger with each bite of mounded plates of food.
From your angle, Aegon’s gut had crept to mid-thigh and was straining his sweater to extreme proportions. Jace had stop his attempts to chat by now, realizing your intense focus on his uncle. The blonde thumped the side of his gut to likely dislodge a belch, stretching obscenely, roll on his back protruding. You dug your nails into your knees lest you’d start crying.
He lifted his chunky arms up, soft skin beginning to sink out, red stripes from growth on display. The blonde yawned and arched his back, shoving his huge belly forward, and out. You could imagine the soft ‘plop’ his hefty stomach made hitting his thighs, sweater turned into a crop top, wide wide lovehandles on display with that fucking gut. Then he had the audacity to belch shamelessly, loud enough to turn some Hufflepuff heads, smiling drunkenly.
Not a modicum of shame.
Merlin’s beard, you couldn’t take it anymore. You needed to leave, wait for him, go scream in the hallways, something. Your betrothed’s displays of gluttony got your loins hot. With every stone he’d put on, you grew hungrier for him, hiding it under the veil of propriety. A Lannister witch could not be seen toting around a corpulent wizard, huffing and puffing, belly drooping out of his clothes. The thought made you hornier, fuck.
Deciding to pause against a wall you breathed for a second, cunt pulsing and heart thumping along with it. “What’s urp- gotten into you Hm?” Before you could turn around Aegon’s very full belly was pressing you into the wall, slotted into the natural arch of your spine. Your face was planted on the cool stone as you heaved. He panted into your ear, pudgy thick fingers rubbing your sides and tits. You hissed, “You can’t go around at mealtime and act like such, mh, ah, a hog!” Soft lips nosed under your hair, laughing.
“S’that what it is? Or do you just want feed me instead?”
You melted under his warmth, stuttering, “Oh fuck Aeg, I don’t know, heavens! I want you! Rotund, ugh, bastard!”
“I know,” he commented cockily, burping again before slurring slightly, “C’mon, back to my bed before everyone finishes up. Be glad I love you, I wasn’t done eating.” You whimpered under his weight, nodding along feebly. Aegon released you and held out a thick hand, lumbering along to the Slytherin dorms. He huffed a bit, gently steadying overfull stomach.
You eyed it and murmured, “You love it don’t you, tearing yourself away from the family with each bite. Salazar, Aeg, you’ve gotten rightly plump.” He shrugged and replied, “They won’t disown me for being fat, ‘sides you gag for it anyways. Fuck yeah I love it, being full and sated all the time.” His red cheeks grew a bit redder at his admission.
He gave the password to the door for entrance, a panting, sweating mess by the time you were in his bed. Not that you fared much better. Drawing the curtains closed and mumbling a silencing spell had you two in privacy. Aegon jerked off his sweater, soft chest and belly bouncing with the movement. He stifled a burp, eyes rolling a bit as he sighed with relief.
“C’mon, get my slacks? Oh lioness of Lannister,” he smiled, eyes lidded and lazy. Your cheeks burned but you found yourself doing what he asked, unbuttoning the severely tight bottoms, creaking with pressure. More belly drooped and filled the space, Aegon outright moaning in relief. Thick, pale thighs graced your sight, little marks of too much growth lining them too.
You reached out and grabbed a handful of the soft flesh, wobbling it experimentally. Aegon hummed softly, eating this up like everything else he did. You were going to self-combust, cunt leaking and making your panties quite uncomfortable. Next you placed a lithe hand on his huge gut, distended with food, round and gorgeous. Aegon’s white-blonde head fell back as he ordered, “Go on- rub it a little. C’mon.”
You wanted to ride it in all truths, rub yourself into a frenzied completion on his fat fucking belly.
Aegon’s violets popped back up, eye brows nearing his hairline. You snapped, “What?” He smirked in that irritating way of his and purred, “You wanna ride my fat fucking belly, hmm sweetie?” Mortification crept up on you swiftly, stuttering and blushing. How did you get so uncouth and feral so fast? Rotund fuck!
You gripped his thighs harder and warbled, “Aeg, what the f-fuck are you doing to me? Please!”
You trembled under his intense gaze, eyes watery and pleading the Targaryen to do something. Take charge, Merlin, your brain was offline. Aegon grunted and loosely covered another belch, belly filling the space as he began to undo your blouse. The blonde murmured, “Poor babe, never seen you this stupid. You’re the smart one dear.” He groped at one of your tits, the other hand undoing the clasp in one swift motion.
You fell forward to press yourself against Aegon, whimpering and seeking his plump lips. He snickered again, mouth open and smacking against your needy maw, him working on getting down your skirt and underwear. Soon you were fully bare and needy, squirming and gasping Aeg’s name when he crammed a hand between you two, thick fingers sliding through your messy cunt.
“Fuckin’ hell baby, proper slut under all that gold and snob.”
Teasing purple eyes searched your red rimmed green ones, fingers swirling around your swollen clit before he brought them up and suckled on your essence right in front of you. You pressed yourself further, pushing Aegon back with a guttural moan, begging, “Ah-Aeg, pleasepleaseplease, just lemme ride it, need you so bad!”
“C’mon then, needy little thing,” he patted the side of the ball, body wobbling a bit. You howled. Aegon hoisted your half-limp frame onto his gut, belching helplessly from the pressure. “D-damn pig,” you breathed, immediately crying out when you got your painfully aching clit to make contact with that pretty pale flesh.
He snorted, “You love it Lannister, go on, I’m watching.” Biting his fat lower lip in annoyance you made sure to get yourself a nice slick spot, rutting like a bitch in heat. Your eyes rolled up as you developed a good little rhythm, Aegon’s sultry teasing and wandering hands making this situation very close to ending.
“Jeez baby, hah- you gonna cum on my fat gut already? Hmm? Such a needy girl,” he growled with a slap to your ass. You whined and gripped at his soft shoulders, panting and stealing kisses when you weren’t drooling. Aegon nipped and bit at your jaw, moaning, “C’mon, wanna feel it, you’re already there, cum for me and then you can stuff me after.” The thought of stuffing your betrothed even more had your eyes rolling up and body seizing, cunt clenching and releasing on fatty belly. You cried out Aegon’s name and other swears, clawing at pale skin.
Sliding off Aegon he laughed and stole your lips, rolling his bigger frame halfway onto your form like a heavy blanket. His hard cock nudged your thigh, your shaking hand pulling a couple of times to his delight. The blonde murmured, “Hng- not yet- didn’t finish dinner. Then I want your pretty mouth on my cock.” You nodded eagerly, ready to please.
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The problems I have with HP's world building and the Wizarding World as a whole can be summed up perfectly with Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans. Sounds like a appropriately whimsical treat for a secret magical society. But, they beans flavoured like bodily fluids. We know there's ear wax and vomit flavoured beans, but I bet there are... other flavours.
And the question is, why? Why do that? Why sell something to children where there's a chance they might end up eating a bean that tastes and smells exactly like human shit.
Like, obviously, Rowling wrote it as a funny bit in a children's book that I doubt she expected people to dissect and nitpick over twenty years after she wrote it. But, in-universe, it shows that wizards just lack basic common sense. it's a wonder they made it to the 21st century without going extinct.
As weird as it sounds, I actually find the wizarding world fascinating in that it makes an eerie amount of sense: it's just not what JKR nor anyone else thinks it is/what it's supposed to be.
There's a larger post to be made but to me the wizarding world reeks of an extremely isolated and inbred society, complacent in their use of a technology they no longer understand and slowly forgetting aspects of that technology including the underlying fundamentals, neighbors to very different societies they feel threatened by for all they won't admit as much, and a society that has roots in western traditions but missed out on much of the Enlightenment/Post Enlightenment British history.
So, we see a world that's like Britain but... not...
The professors are there to teach, not go provide emotional guidance or emotional intervention of any kind with the students (read anti-bullying measures). There doesn't seem to be a child welfare or any kind of welfare system in place (orphans get a stipend to attend Hogwarts, but we see no mention of a wizarding orphanage/foster care system or money allotted to those like Ron Weasley who are poor but not Muggleborn). There are two historians ever mentioned and from what we see of Hogwarts a History it is not a modern western historical approach that's covered there. Everyone's extremely closely related and there are no actual positions beyond those a) made for yourself through entrepreneurship b) the ever bloated Ministry. They have no understanding of Muggles at all and those who claim to or wish to tend to be... grossly offensive is the only word I can think of.
It's a great satirical world of a decaying society and, most important, not quite one we'd be familiar with.
But this has nothing to do with your actual question (well, it does, but it's tangential).
To get back to the damned beans, from what we see, the wizarding world loves practical jokes and slapstick humor. Given they're wizards, serious injuries seem relatively easy to repair. If you start vomiting slugs all day, there's a potion for that. If you lose your bones, there's a potion for that. Blow off your hands, there's probably a potion for that.
What that means is that physical injuries in the wizarding world tend not to really matter. Unless you're using dark curses (see Bill's torn up face in HBP), you can probably get whatever it is fixed quickly. Which means that wizards find slapstick style practical jokes very funny.
Which gets us back to the candy.
The beans aren't alone, there are also the acid pops that actually burn through your tongue, blood pops that taste like blood, chocolate frogs which will jump away from you, ice mice that do... something I forget, but point being that we see wizards get very excited about the prospect of not only magic in their candies but some element of danger/just awfulness with it.
That's the exciting gamble of the beans. Sure, you might end up with a nice flavor, you might, but then you could end up with vomit or diarrhea flavored. When the latter happens, you can make a big show to your friends, "OH NO, I GOT THE VOMIT BEAN! OH HELLS, I GOT THE VOMIT BEAN! THIS IS THE WORST! I GOT THE VOMIT BEAN!" and everyone laughs at and with you over your terrible rotten luck over getting the vomit bean while Jimmy over there got strawberry.
It's kind of like a demented version of playing one of the first few editions of Mario Party: someone's going to be fucked over, that's just how the game goes, the delightful enjoyment of it is seeing who the loser is and lording it over them when you steal all their stars they eat the vomit bean.
Basically, you're kind of right about Bertie Botts Every Flavor Bean. They exist because it's funny, I just think the wizards find it funny too.
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