#We all know the statistics but it's just different when it happens in your community

[kagrenacs]

I didn't expect going back on T to be something emotional. I was very lucky with finding a doctor who was willing to do informed consent, even if she does have to relocate her office every few years because of the transphobic ideas here. But my heart really really aches for the people I know who weren't so lucky, and never will get the chance to achieve their dreams like I did.

[blubberquark]

Why Not Write Cryptography

I learned Python in high school in 2003. This was unusual at the time. We were part of a pilot project, testing new teaching materials. The official syllabus still expected us to use PASCAL. In order to satisfy the requirements, we had to learn PASCAL too, after Python. I don't know if PASCAL is still standard.

Some of the early Python programming lessons focused on cryptography. We didn't really learn anything about cryptography itself then, it was all just toy problems to demonstrate basic programming concepts like loops and recursion. Beginners can easily implement some old, outdated ciphers like Caesar, Vigenère, arbitrary 26-letter substitutions, transpositions, and so on.

The Vigenère cipher will be important. It goes like this: First, in order to work with letters, we assign numbers from 0 to 25 to the 26 letters of the alphabet, so A is 0, B is 1, C is 2 and so on. In the programs we wrote, we had to strip out all punctuation and spaces, write everything in uppercase and use the standard transliteration rules for Ä, Ö, Ü, and ß. That's just the encoding part. Now comes the encryption part. For every letter in the plain text, we add the next letter from the key, modulo 26, round robin style. The key is repeated after we get tot he end. Encrypting "HELLOWORLD" with the key "ABC" yields ["H"+"A", "E"+"B", "L"+"C", "L"+"A", "O"+"B", "W"+"C", "O"+"A", "R"+"B", "L"+"C", "D"+"A"], or "HFNLPYOLND". If this short example didn't click for you, you can look it up on Wikipedia and blame me for explaining it badly.

Then our teacher left in the middle of the school year, and a different one took over. He was unfamiliar with encryption algorithms. He took us through some of the exercises about breaking the Caesar cipher with statistics. Then he proclaimed, based on some back-of-the-envelope calculations, that a Vigenère cipher with a long enough key, with the length unknown to the attacker, is "basically uncrackable". You can't brute-force a 20-letter key, and there are no significant statistical patterns.

I told him this wasn't true. If you re-use a Vigenère key, it's like re-using a one time pad key. At the time I just had read the first chapters of Bruce Schneier's "Applied Cryptography", and some pop history books about cold war spy stuff. I knew about the problem with re-using a one-time pad. A one time pad is the same as if your Vigenère key is as long as the message, so there is no way to make any inferences from one letter of the encrypted message to another letter of the plain text. This is mathematically proven to be completely uncrackable, as long as you use the key only one time, hence the name. Re-use of one-time pads actually happened during the cold war. Spy agencies communicated through number stations and one-time pads, but at some point, the Soviets either killed some of their cryptographers in a purge, or they messed up their book-keeping, and they re-used some of their keys. The Americans could decrypt the messages.

Here is how: If you have message $A$ and message $B$, and you re-use the key $K$, then an attacker can take the encrypted messages $A+K$ and $B+K$, and subtract them. That creates $(A+K) - (B+K) = A - B + K - K = A - B$. If you re-use a one-time pad, the attacker can just filter the key out and calculate the difference between two plaintexts.

My teacher didn't know that. He had done a quick back-of-the-envelope calculation about the time it would take to brute-force a 20 letter key, and the likelihood of accidentally arriving at something that would resemble the distribution of letters in the German language. In his mind, a 20 letter key or longer was impossible to crack. At the time, I wouldn't have known how to calculate that probability.

When I challenged his assertion that it would be "uncrackable", he created two messages that were written in German, and pasted them into the program we had been using in class, with a randomly generated key of undisclosed length. He gave me the encrypted output.

Instead of brute-forcing keys, I decided to apply what I knew about re-using one time pads. I wrote a program that takes some of the most common German words, and added them to sections of $(A-B)$. If a word was equal to a section of $B$, then this would generate a section of $A$. Then I used a large spellchecking dictionary to see if the section of $A$ generated by guessing a section of $B$ contained any valid German words. If yes, it would print the guessed word in $B$, the section of $A$, and the corresponding section of the key. There was only a little bit of key material that was common to multiple results, but that was enough to establish how long they key was. From there, I modified my program so that I could interactively try to guess words and it would decrypt the rest of the text based on my guess. The messages were two articles from the local newspaper.

When I showed the decrypted messages to my teacher the next week, got annoyed, and accused me of cheating. Had I installed a keylogger on his machine? Had I rigged his encryption program to leak key material? Had I exploited the old Python random number generator that isn't really random enough for cryptography (but good enough for games and simulations)?

Then I explained my approach. My teacher insisted that this solution didn't count, because it relied on guessing words. It would never have worked on random numeric data. I was just lucky that the messages were written in a language I speak. I could have cheated by using a search engine to find the newspaper articles on the web.

Now the lesson you should take away from this is not that I am smart and teachers are sore losers.

Lesson one: Everybody can build an encryption scheme or security system that he himself can't defeat. That doesn't mean others can't defeat it. You can also create an secret alphabet to protect your teenage diary from your kid sister. It's not practical to use that as an encryption scheme for banking. Something that works for your diary will in all likelihood be inappropriate for online banking, never mind state secrets. You never know if a teenage diary won't be stolen by a determined thief who thinks it holds the secret to a Bitcoin wallet passphrase, or if someone is re-using his banking password in your online game.

Lesson two: When you build a security system, you often accidentally design around an "intended attack". If you build a lock to be especially pick-proof, a burglar can still kick in the door, or break a window. Or maybe a new variation of the old "slide a piece of paper under the door and push the key through" trick works. Non-security experts are especially susceptible to this. Experts in one domain are often blind to attacks/exploits that make use of a different domain. It's like the physicist who saw a magic show and thought it must be powerful magnets at work, when it was actually invisible ropes.

Lesson three: Sometimes a real world problem is a great toy problem, but the easy and didactic toy solution is a really bad real world solution. Encryption was a fun way to teach programming, not a good way to teach encryption. There are many problems like that, like 3D rendering, Chess AI, and neural networks, where the real-world solution is not just more sophisticated than the toy solution, but a completely different architecture with completely different data structures. My own interactive codebreaking program did not work like modern approaches works either.

Lesson four: Don't roll your own cryptography. Don't even implement a known encryption algorithm. Use a cryptography library. Chances are you are not Bruce Schneier or Dan J Bernstein. It's harder than you thought. Unless you are doing a toy programming project to teach programming, it's not a good idea. If you don't take this advice to heart, a teenager with something to prove, somebody much less knowledgeable but with more time on his hands, might cause you trouble.

[laineystein]

I know that the media would have you believing that war is constant and ruthless but sometimes it’s a lot of sitting around and waiting for orders. And a lot of talking. Really introspective talking. And the things that people say when there’s a very real chance that they might die, are probably the most poignant and well said. So here’s a conversation my unit had in a million different ways with a million different words:

We love beings Jews. We love being Israeli. We can’t imagine being anything else or belonging to any other group. But this statistic that we are 0.2% of the worlds population has been so much more than a statistic lately. We all feel it. We feel how so much of the world has turned their backs on us — how the same people that posted those stupid blue squares on instagram are now using language that calls for our genocide and the destruction of our homeland. We know that for so many people we are pawns in their political game. We know that so many people think we are sub-human and therefore deserving of less respect than any other person. We don’t need anyone to tell us what they think of us because so many people are showing us by what they’re doing or not doing. And that’s okay. We’re used to it. We’ve always been alone. We’ve always fought (and won) our own battles. We’ll win this one without any of you. It’s fine. But it makes me think about how the same people that alienate us are the ones that critique how we live in insular communities (like the neighborhood I grew up in Crown Heights) and how our religion is closed and how we don’t need a place (read: Israel) where we all live together (assumedly because no other group has such a place — which is just a total lie). And there’s this thought amongst many Jews that communities like the one I grew up in in Brooklyn exist as a result of the persecution we faced. Just like there’s this thought that Israel exists because of the Holocaust. The survivors of the worst thing that can happen to a group decided to live together and close out the outside world. Now I’d argue that we certainly haven’t closed anyone out in Israel - I’m currently serving with Israelis that are Arab and Druze. But is our country very Jew-centric? Absolutely. Just like Crown Heights is very Jew-centric. Goyim can/do live and visit Crown Heights but it is a place that caters to what is otherwise considered a counter-culture in America. Just like Israel caters to Jews in an area of the world where all of us were expelled. We are fine living in these places. We have created these communities and curated them to our Jewish way of life. But people wonder why we close ourselves off and why we need special spaces - and that same ignorance is the answer. Sure, our diets are different and we have laws about how we go to school and work and pray that make it very difficult to live in a non-Jewish world but there’s a very real truth that so many people are scared to say aloud so I will: We don’t trust goyim. Goyim have never stood up for us or protected us. Only we can keep ourselves safe. Only we truly care about our wellbeing. We do not feel safe around goyim. And I think we have every right to be distrustful. We have every right to think that our survival and security rests solely in our fellow Jew. So while this has all proven that the Jewish people are amazing and loving and stronger than even we knew, it’s also only cemented this idea that we absolutely need our own world. And it’s clear that we’ve essentially lived in our own world all this time anyway - our world view is not your world view. Our experiences are so incredibly different than the goy experience. If you’re not Jewish and especially if you’re not an Israeli Jew, you can’t possibly understand any of this. And that’s fine! But don’t get angry when, in the absence of your support, we’ve figured it out. And don’t be upset when your Jewish friends - Israeli or not - have pushed you away because you didn’t show up in the way they’d hoped. You’ve merely proven us right. We do not need you. Our communities are enough. Our country is enough. Together, we will outlive you.

[godlesshasideas]

Writing About Disabilities: ADHD

Here we go again.

When writing about anything you are not personally familiar with, research is your best friend. Don't use this post as a catch all and think it's all you need to write characters with ADHD. This is far from all the information about it, but it's a starting point.

Here's some basic information that I have found and I've also included some of my own experience since I have ADHD, which is at the bottom of this post. (Just as a note I won't always do things I have personal experience with. These are just the ones I feel comfortable sharing first.)

Information regarding ADHD

As most people know, ADHD stands for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. It's a neurological disorder that impacts many various things but mainly an individual's focus (both ability and where that focus is). Many people with ADHD usually are focused on something but they don't have control of where that focus is. The biggest example of this is in school settings (which often leads kids to be diagnosed) where they're in the classroom and even though they hear the teacher giving instructions they can't help but focus on what's happening outside or the posters on the wall, etc.

There are various types of ADHD and they have been updated by the DSM. It was once separated as ADHD and ADD, which pretty much meant you had A or B, which doesn't really work neurodivergence because every brain works differently and everyone has their own experience (it's a spectrum). There are now three types and they luckily aren't as cut and dry: Predominantly Inattentive, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive, and Combined Presentation. It's also important to note that presentations can change over time but it's always just ADHD. Source: CDC

Some more in-depth information:

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder | NIMH

Living with ADHD | Coping Strategies | ADDitude

Data and Statistics About ADHD | CDC

Things to Consider about the character you're writing:

When was your character diagnosed? Also, how did they go about this diagnosis process? While this may seem like some simple questions, the answer does contribute to your character's story and identity. Was it part of their K-12 years? If so, what part? Was it when they got to college? Were they never diagnosed until a friend/family member pointed it out to them? Are they still undiagnosed? You should look into the experiences people have shared online about their diagnosis because it may be helpful for creating your character.

Do they have other forms of neurodivergence? Many neurodivergent people have more than one diagnosis in neurodivergence. For example, there's a lot of overlap with ADHD and Autism. So much so, that there's a unofficial term for it: AuDHD. This term is unofficial in the sense that it was developed by the community for the community rather than medical professionals. If your character has multiple diagnoses, how do those diagnoses interact with each other?

*Also, be aware of statistics. It's been proven over and over again that women or AFAB people are less likely to receive a diagnosis for ADHD (they're more likely to be diagnosis with anxiety, depression or OCD; all of which can be contributed to ADHD)

My Experience with ADHD

I decided to create a section to share my experience just because of how much it's apart of my daily life. I've obviously had ADHD all my life but I wasn't diagnosed until my first/second year of high school. The reason for this is because I was "good in school" and wasn't "jumping off the walls". I was good in school because I was hyperfixated on academics and academia. I wasn't jumping off the walls with energy because I was constantly masking, because now as I have gotten older and more comfortable, those high energy symptoms are more apparent.

I didn't take ADHD medication for a very long time because I thought I was managing just fine. I actually requested medication a few months back (before my third year of university). Turns out I was not managing just fine. I was constantly procrastinating and leaving things to the last minute. I was relying on the pressure of a looming deadline. I was also in a constant state of executive dysfunction when that deadline wasn't there (like with household chores). Imagine my surprise when I'm suddenly able to work on tasks without pressure of a deadline or pressure of failure.

As a funny little note, whenever I spoke to healthcare professionals and I told them I had ADHD or they saw it in my chart, they would be shocked/surprised by the fact I was unmedicated. Another funny note, when I spoke with my psychiatrist about being put on an ADHD medication, he was like "I was wondering when this would happen" like sir??? lmao

**Once again, always do more research. Do not use this post as all you need. Anytime you write something or create a character that has something you aren't familiar with, you need to take the time to learn about it. Research Research Research!

[mysteryshoptls]

SSR Cater Diamond Bloom Birthday Personal Story: Part 2

"Happy Birthday"

(Part 1) Part 2 (Part 3)

[Heartslabyul Dorm – Birthday Party Venue]

Floyd: 'Kay, let's go to the next question.

Floyd: "What is your best class?"

Cater: My best class… Hmm… I guess I'm doing good enough in astrology?

Floyd: Eughh… Astrology's one of those classes that make no sense to me.

Cater: Ahaha. True, astrology can be pretty complex. And yeah, it has a lot to do with divination and such, but…

Cater: We kinda just end up going, "Let's try to predict what'll happen next based on the position of the stars and things that happened in the past based on that position!"

Floyd: Yeah, but making all those little calculations's such a pain. Pretty sure that's not divination, that's just statistics.

Cater: I guess so. I mean, for me, it's fine if it's just used as a type of fortune-telling, so.

Floyd: Makes no sense… Why'd you even get started in astrology?

Cater: Hm, I wonder. Maybe because I would always be reading the horoscopes in magazines?

Floyd: Huh, what, people read those pages? I always skip 'em.

Cater: It doesn't really matter if it's correct or not, usually there's some pretty cool stuff written there. And they're pretty good ice-breakers.

Floyd: You use fortune-telling as ice-breakers, huh… So you just start convos with that stuff?

Cater: Yeah, yeah! When you meet someone for the first time, you don't know their personality, or what they like, so sometimes you don't know what to talk about, right? But…

Cater: If you just ask, "Hey, this magazine's horoscope's pretty interesting. When's your birthday?" everything just goes so smoothly ♪

Cater: You can continue, like, "Oh, that's close to my birthday!" or "It says here your lucky item is black tea. Eh, you're a coffee drinker?"

Cater: As long as you can start somewhere, you can keep the conversation going and get to know each other.

Floyd: Does it actually work like that? If it was me…

Floyd: I'd say… "Hah? Why should I tell you my birthday?"

Cater: That's just you not willing to have a conversation from the get-go, isn't it!?

Cater: Hrrnngh… Well, if I was dealing with that type of person, I might try a different approach.

Cater: Fortune-telling is just one of many different ways of communication ♪

Floyd: Huuuh, sounds annoying. I def can't just go out of my way to work with others.

Cater: I bet～ Everyone is different, and I'm just saying that this is something I'd do.

Floyd: But, since I just learned 'bout it, maybe I can give it a try～

Cater: Oh, you're gonna put it to the test right away? Sure, sure, ask me something!

Floyd: When's your birthday, Hanadai-kun?

Cater: C'MON, IT'S LITERALLY TODAY!? Floyd-kun, you're supposed to be my birthday interviewer, right!?

Floyd: Ahah, it totally works. Mmkay, time for the next question.

(Part 1) Part 2 (Part 3)

[autistichalsin]

hello, i'm the anon who shared about my creepy coworker and old boss. i'm sorry for the word vomit earlier, all i wanted was to say how halsin makes me feel safe to say 'no' without fear of getting lashed out.

...but my mind went haywire, all the feelings and memories i held deep inside broke the proverbial dam securing it in place.

i appreciate everything you said, i truly do. i cried so much tears i never bothered to shed for the longest time, just letting everything go. it scared me, acknowledging the reality and all the emotions attached to that incident.

for once i am finally seen and heard, and i feel a little better... yet of course i know i wouldn't be able to truly move on unless i go to therapy.

unfortunately where i'm from, it's a little expensive to seek therapy for things like this, and there's a lot of stigma towards individuals seeking help/counseling and even talks of mental health itself.

i could never confide any of this horrors to my parents, my childhood home isn't a safe place. my own mother always had scathing words towards people who aren't mentally sound. she'd never understand me, and with how she speaks ill about others in unfortunate situations, i'm sure they'll blame me too just like how my old boss blamed me for the misfortune that happened to me.

perhaps someday i could step forward, go to therapy and unpack all this baggage to truly heal...

...for now i'll just enjoy the moment where i get to imagine Halsin being so kind and understanding towards me. a little solace and safe haven for my heart and mind.

again, thank you so much for being a safe space to share my little obsession with Halsin and for everything else. i look forward to reading more of your Halsin analysis, your headcannons and fanfics, it's always a joy seeing you around here.

[i word vomited again, i'm sorry.]

Hello again, anon! First of all, this is for you and for anyone else who might be reading: when I said my inbox and DMs were open for anyone who needed to talk, I meant it. (Yes, that goes for you, whoever is reading this and thinking I don't mean you. I mean you too.) I have gotten such an insane amount of kindness from this community- more than anything, I want to repay it. Both because it's the right thing to do, and because it's the Halsin thing to do. (Well, and for one other reason, but honestly that's another post, I don't want to derail your ask.) All that to say: you have nothing to apologize for, word vomit or not. I said my inbox was open, and you needed someone to talk to, and I'm so happy that you trusted me with this.

I'm sorry you had to have that moment alone. That moment of letting go is such a scary thing, and I'm so angry that everyone in your real life isn't being what you need. You deserve to have someone there to take care of you while this happening, and I'm so sorry you don't.

Therapy is important, but it isn't hopeless without therapy. There are ways around it. For example, here's a fun fact that I know because I'm studying to be an epidemiologist, and mental health epidemiology is a big interest of mine. Did you know that when you do statistical studies on who develops PTSD after trauma, one of the biggest protective factors- things that makes it less likely- is having a strong support system from friends and loved ones? Like, we can literally quantify this with numbers. Having friends and family around makes it less likely to develop PTSD. It is never too late to build that support system, and if you're in a place where mental health is stigmatized, well... that's the great thing about making online friends. It may not change what happened, or the environment you physically live in, but it can give you a place where you can be heard. And that can help you a lot more than you would think. If you can't get therapy, it's not hopeless; it just means you do the work of healing differently.

I'm sorry your family isn't safe to be with. But there are people out there, in this community and otherwise, who are. It's not hopeless. And just know that you deserve better than being blamed for this by people you love and trust.

I hope that one day you can have therapy and the healing you deserve, but until then, just know that Halsin is on your side and rooting for you, and so are those of us who also love this character. We all want you to heal- and we would all happily shank the bastard who hurt you given a chance.

I am glad I could be safe for you, and thank you so much for your kind words. They truly mean everything for me.

And you never, ever have to apologize for "word vomiting", friend. Let it all out. If my inbox is the only place you have that you feel safe to do it, then I am gonna take that seriously and I want to hear every word! I don't always have the right things to say, but I can always "listen", and who knows? Maybe someone else will read this and have something to say too.

I may not be able to change how shitty the world treated you, but the least I can do is give you one place where you can be treated with the dignity and kindness you deserve.

[a-witch-in-endor]

I really hope this isn’t disrespectful, if it is please feel free to ignore and I’m very sorry. I saw your recent post about diaspora and as someone who has gone their life never really knowing anyone irl who’s jewish and all I knew about antisemitism in school went as far as giving context for the Holocaust, just that antisemitism existed in Europe and was growing during the time.. I knew that the Jewish people had been persecuted in centuries before that, but never really the why of it. After reading your post I was wanted to try to find out why, and I feel so baffled rn. Christianity is not only a gigantic perpetrator of homophobia and an excuse for modern bigotry, but it’s also an origin of anti-Judaism in the early centuries? (If the articles i found were accurate in saying that Christians blamed the Jewish for the death of jesus) Doesn’t that mean that the prejudices that lead to the Holocaust were Christian-originating/perpetuated? How on earth can a religion that calls itself the “love thy neighbor” one be okay with this? How is the Church still around?? How can Christians justify themselves believing in a god and Church that has spread so much hate?

… my large bias against Christianity aside, it reminds me a bit of how social media and algorithms nowadays are designed intentionally to induce feelings of frustration and anger because statistically your investment in the thing/paying attention to it lasts longer and is more immersive. I wonder if it’s because of the .. “united prejudice” that has allowed Christianity to survive and grow throughout the centuries, spreading its ideas of hate and prejudice against the “other”, the outsider, while offering a sense of community and small little “love thy neighbor/thoughts and prayers/you’ll go to heaven” nonsense to the individuals who join and stay. It’s so evil. But I’m curious to hear more of your perspective on this. It’s easy to be upset in my own little bubble, but i wanted to ask more for your voice and perspective on the subject, if it’s okay. Thank you for reading either way and I hope you have a wonderful day ^^

Hi anon, I would have liked to reach out to you privately as there's a lot to parse here - so do feel free to unanon yourself if you want to chat.

I feel like there's a lot of pain here, which makes me wonder if you come from a culturally Christian background? I think that with these things, it's easy to get lost in the weeds of guilt, but we need to remember that there is a difference between being the recipient of privilege and being the guilty party. I know that might not always be in vogue to say, but you're not to blame for other people's harmful actions. Reducing antisemitic harm by recognising the weight of it is important. Getting crushed under that weight helps nobody.

(If that's not what's motivating you here, then please feel free to ignore. I don't mean to be patronising. It just felt like you were crying out under the weight of something that shouldn't be crushing you.)

To your more technical question about Christianity:

Antisemitism is a tricky thing to define. As long as tribes have existed, there have been insider-good-outsider-bad notions. For the first thousand or so years of our existence, things happened to the Jewish people which were awful, but were also typical. The Assyrians decimated the Northern Kingdom, and then the Babylonians destroyed the Temple and brought us into exile. When we returned to the native homeland and rebuilt our Temple, the Greeks came in and desecrated the Temple with idol worship and banned the study of Torah. Were they targeting us for being Jewish? Sometimes yes, because monotheism was a weird and wild concept. But they were doing the same thing to everyone else.

Our relationship with the Romans was also pretty terrible, but... well, the Romans didn't always have wonderful relationships with the indigenous peoples they were oppressing, y'know. We weren't really unique there. Again, something something monotheism something, but it was still fairly even-handed.

Christianity is, I think rightly, seen to be where antisemitism changed from general disdain for the Other to an insidious and in some ways unique hatred. I don't want this to turn into too much of an essay, but I'll list a few reasons this happened, which are not just "Christianity is evil at its core" (I don't really think many religious cultures are; religion is a natural human response to the search for meaning, so it's rare it's that rotten):

Christianity has a baked-in disdain for Judaism, because the originators of Christianity were all Jews who were engaged in criticism of their own culture, and this got lost when it became a Gentile religion. Jesus almost never spoke with non-Jews and his message was utterly rooted in Jewish custom and culture. I've lost count of the number of times I've explained to a random Christian friend what their own scripture is referring to, because the NT was written with the assumption that you understand its context. When the NT paints Jews with a broad brush, it is the way that we would speak about our own in-groups. However, Christianity after the time of Jesus quickly became a Gentile religion, and the Gentiles who were reading their scriptures understood that disdain for Jews from an outside perspective instead of an inside one.

Christianity then started to gain political power, and the early Church Fathers engaged in pointed anti-Jewish rhetoric because they were struggling to maintain boundaries. In those very early days of power, the Christians were moving into Gentile territory, but on a ground-level, they were still engaging with Jews because... well, monotheists (kind of) are going to interact with one another over the pagans, right? This led to some confusion among the laity, and the early church fathers were concerned that those blurry boundaries were going to cause issues. So they started preaching against the evil Jews to get their good Christians to separate themselves.

The second Jewish exile begins, and the native homeland is all but closed for business. Jews had a first exile and a smaller diaspora due to the Babylonians, but it was short-lived. We were able to return to the homeland and rebuild, albeit with restricted power. The second exile - the one we're arguably still in - is what led to the sprawling Jewish communities you know today. From the first century until the 20th, there was no place for Jews to go with any sense of guarantee of staying. This meant that Jewish communities would rely mostly on one another, and be seen as overly weird and unwilling to assimilate and convert. Before modernity, there was an assumption that Jews could and should convert to Christianity, which would solve the Jewish problem*. Lots of forced conversions occurred, but it didn't generally go well, because forcibly-converted Jews were suspected of... well, secretly retaining their Jewishness. And actually, a lot of them did, so it was a pretty accurate suspicion. Then a lot of Jews were killed under that suspicion.

In the Crusades, the Jews were the "enemy at home". Christian soldiers were marching off to war with the Muslims, but the Muslims were so far away. They would often attack Jewish communities either en route or instead of continuing farther, because the fervor to attack the enemy didn't really require you to march all that way.

Because Jewish communities didn't want to assimilate, they were often pointed at as an explanation for bigger problems. Yeah yeah, I know we all learned the term "scapegoat" in school, but it's important here. You have the mixture of: 1. they should be Christian because Christians are Good and Others are Bad, 2. they absolutely refuse to assimilate and like to be very insular, and 3. they're right there around the corner! This was a terrible mix of issues, because then when a little boy turns up dead or an illness spreads, there's a very easy finger to point. And the world is much easier to live in if you know whose fault a problem like that is. (And then add to that: Jews got less sick because we have religious rules about, um, washing our hands.)

Racialised "science" gets added to the mix. The term "antisemitism" was actually coined as a replacement for "Judenhass", or "Jew hatred", because there was a desire to say that Jews were racially different, not just religiously different. This was happening as race "science" was happening more broadly. While beforehand, the Jew could theoretically convert to Christianity and the Jewish problem could be solved (though that wasn't necessarily the case in practice), now, the Jewish problem was seen as inherent.

Money lending lends to conspiracies about Jewish control of capitalism, etc. I'm just bored of explaining this, but the bottom line is: the Christians made us deal with money lending because they wouldn't do it themselves but it's necessary for a functioning economy, and then they blamed us for making money. This is where you get conspiracies about Jews running the world from. What I hope you can see in that brief (and very much incomplete) history of antisemitism, lots of things are rooted in the cultural genesis and theology of Christianity, but it's not as simple as "Christians invented antisemitism". Let's be clear, for a start: antisemitism exists very firmly in non-Christian areas of the world, too. It might not have been like this without Christianity, but it also wouldn't have been like this without Christianity switching to a Gentile majority, without the Romans so thoroughly destroying the Jewish homeland, etc etc etc.

I mentioned harm-reduction rather than guilt above. If you're interested in harm-reduction, then one of the best things you can do is recognise where wider culture has pushed you into buying into prejudices. Here are some hallmarks of modern antisemitism that are very much rooted in the above: conspiracies that Jews run the world and are behind big catastrophes; beliefs that Jews poison the wells and drink the blood of babies (yes, people still believe this, but it's more common in the Muslim world than the Christian one now); stereotypes about Jews loving money; ideas that Jews are overly hostile to the countries who have so nicely taken us in and not murdered us recently, usually because we are too insular or because we won't eat everything; believing that Jews are the only people who don't deserve to have any self-governance even though it's been proven time and time again that Jews can't trust Gentile governance; defining terms to specifically exclude Jews; ideas that Jews are secretly not the "real" Jews; claiming the Jewish God (or "Old Testament" God) is bloodthirsty as opposed to the loving Christian God (said by people who have never read the Bible, I assume); concepts that you can't trust Jews because they only care about other Jews... and there are many more, unfortunately.

Anyway, it's really late and I didn't mean to provide such a long commentary. I hope this was helpful in some way? Feel free to message me if you want to chat more.

[coffinup]

Burial Vaults, who needs ‘em anyway?

During discussion of all of the various funeral expenses that start to add up, a big question I hear a lot from families in arrangements, as well as curious people out in the world, is “Why would I need a burial vault? Isn’t it just another thing that cemeteries charge for? And if it doesnt prevent a body from decaying, then what’s the point?”

We’re at a point in history where, while funerals are expensive, we’ve at least narrowed down a lot of things that are necessary, and all funeral homes in the US are beholden to certain consumer-protection laws that require them to state what is optional and what is not.

So vaults. If you’re unfamiliar, a vault is an outer casing that goes in the grave space that surrounds the casket. Actually, the industry term is “outer burial container”, and that also includes grave liners. A grave liner is simple: it’s a concrete box with a lid that the casket goes into. A vault is described as “having sealing properties”. Technically you can’t legally define a casket or vault as being “sealing” because technically it doesnt completely seal out the elements, and it won’t prevent decomposition. But vaults are a little more sturdy, and are often closed with epoxy or an “air seal” where the air pressure of putting the lid on actually shuts it.

Here’s a basic image from Trigard:

Now they argue that a vault is “better”, and in a sense yes, it will be better at preventing the casket from becoming damaged. But they both serve the same general purpose.

Which we’ll get to now.

Outer burial containers serve a few different functions:

-They prevent the ground from sinking over time, which is good for the cemetery but also protects the surrounding environment from erosion.

-They keep the casket in the same spot and prevent it from shifting over time. I’ll explain more of that in a second.

-They “protect casket investment” which is a marketing term for “the expensive casket you bought won’t be as damaged by impact, environmental factors, and time”. You have to determine whether or not that’s important to you. To some, it’s very important! Especially if you are ever considering moving the person to a different cemetery (a good example would be if you’re waiting for a space at a national cemetery for veterans) an intact casket is easier to move, and it prevents you from having to buy a new one.

Vaults are something that have a long history dating back to ancient times, but vaults as we know them come out of the victorian era (as with many things. The victorian era really changed western culture dramatically). Grave-robbing was rife, and vaults meant that your precious loved ones wouldn’t be stripped of all the valued possessions they were buried with, not to mention, you know. Having their remains desecrated in the process. But people don’t really rob graves anymore, do they? In a simple answer; no. Most corpse robbery nowadays happens way before burial. But the vault remains, because people figured out that actually, they served an important purpose not just environmentally, but also historically.

Going back to the second point, I’d like to recount a brief anecdote from my local city to kinda hone it in. Back in the very early days when my city was still a small, waypoint town where people stopped on their way west, many travelers were buried in unmarked graves because of time and resource constraints. To this day there are times during construction where ground is dug up and ope! Some unmarked skeletal remains! I guess… just put them in a communal plot in the old cemetery and call it a day?

We have no idea who these people were, beyond carbon dating to place WHEN they were. And that’s part of the reason why vaults are useful. They help keep people’s remains where they were buried and help identify them. Most vaults now include a plaque with vital statistics. So we know exactly WHO is in there. Now that might be important to you, or it might not be.

Vaults are optional.

But that doesn’t mean they’re useless.

Another example is during a natural disaster like a flood, hurricane, earthquake, etc, buried remains can be displaced. Vaults help prevent that! A cemetery can provide a wealth of knowledge about what the history of a place is, what demographics of people comprised the town or city, and what their cultural values were.

Again, I’ll reiterate, if that kind of thing isn’t important to you, then you don’t HAVE to get a vault for yourself or loved one, and theres no shame in it. I personally want a direct burial! During arrangements, a good funeral director will explain the benefits of a vault like I’ve described above. But at no point should you feel pressured, especially if money is an issue. Again, a concrete grave liner will also do a great job of protecting your loved one.

I hope this has helped those curious to understand why we use vaults still, and the benefits of using one!

-Memento Mori-

[kiefbowl]

how did you navigate dating with radfem beliefs? i known you have to be firm with your boundaries but I’ve been told by people that “there’s something about me” that attracts bad agents and leads to unkind things happening to me, but I don’t know what that “something” is or how to stop it! i think I started to do some doom scrolling and got freaked out by all the statistics which is important information but I feel very afraid. I don’t know how to stop being so scared of men because on one hand 1) that’s fair 2) it’s affecting my life negatively

There's lots of different ways for me to answer this, because there's a lot of things going on in your question(s). So I'm going to start with the first thing that popped out at me and makes me sad and angry for you, and the thing I think you really need to hear, and this is the fact that people tell you there's "something about you" that attracts "bad agents". As if there's some cosmic will to put you in unfulfilling (at best) or dangerous (at worse) relationships, which of course completely denies the responsibility of men in these relationships with you. You are not responsible for the actions men do to you, or the kind of men they are with or without you. More so, abusive men not only groom their victims, but groom the community around them, which is why this kind of victim blaming is so prevalent.

Another angle to consider, which you might not want to hear but I think you should, is that you don't need to date. You might want to, I'll get to that in a bit, but you don't need to. "I don't know how to stop being so scared of men" is not something you have to fix in yourself. If you're genuinely scared of men, you should trust that instinct.

To the main question of how did I date or do date with radfem beliefs (which, for the remainder of this question I'm going to consider them feminist beliefs, a distinction I don't always find important to clarify but here I want to), is a little hard to answer as you asked because it's made a few assumptions about me that you probably didn't intend, and that's okay I'll clear them up. I've never been much of big dater. I've been in relationships, some of them long term, but in the whole of my life I've been single more than I've been in a relationship, and while single I may have tried to "date around" but not very often, not very earnestly, and not very successfully. This isn't to split hairs or cop out about the difference between me being in a relationship now vs dating around, because I think that's what you're talking about: how am I in a relationship (with a man), how did I get there, why am I dating him...etc. However, I just wanted to be honest that I don't find dating or relationships for the sake of them very appealing, and I never had. There's an illogicality to that idea that even as a kid I couldn't wrap my head around, plus even if I don't always enjoy myself or have at times felt extremely lonely while single, I do enjoy being single. Independence is thrilling. This might be a thing for you to focus on now instead of dating, it's my personal advice to you.

But you asked about me and when it comes to me I feel completely justified in the things I believe, I feel entitled to what I believe, and I think what I believe is very logical, so I see no reasons to not be straightforward about what I believe. In fact, I would say I have a harder time being honest with friends about just how seriously or deeply I believe something (I like to wait out for the right opportunity, the risk being it never comes) than I do with just some guy or lady I'm trying to hit up. To me it's no loss to be myself and for someone to be uninterested because of that. But ultimately, I never deny myself the opportunity to connect with someone if I feel a genuine, organic connection, and this goes for all areas of my life. If I meet someone who within a few minutes we seem to have a kinship, I pursue that connection. I could make assumptions about that person, man or woman, that might be wrong, or I can go find out myself.

But to circle this back to what you want to do, here's my advice if you're not interested in focusing on independence: you are going to do what you want to do. No one can convince you not to do it, you can only convince yourself. You will never be able to explain your choices to everyone in a way that makes everyone see why you did it, you really shouldn't try. You will have consequences to all your choices, and no one can experience them but you. You can try to find feminist reasons to explain every choice you make, or you can not. You can publicize your life online, or not. You can take people's criticism's of you as valid, or not. But you have to take ownership of your choices, and you shouldn't seek out absolution or validation for them from anybody, because you're not entitled to it from anyone. If you want to date men, you are going to date men until you decide you don't want to do it anymore and no one on tumblr is going to convince you otherwise. And if that's the case, what are you going to do to make sure you're prioritizing your health, safety, happiness, and fulfillment while dating men? That is more worthy of your time than to try to find ways to bend feminism into making you feel good about your choices. Good luck, I'm rooting for you happiness sis <3

[cipheramnesia]

a distant family member lives in a different country and recently got married to her wife. i was happy to hear it, but she's been slandered by everyone of her family members not only for being gay, but being proud about it.

seeing the news really made me realize that even if i somehow make it out of my homophobic country, like she did, ill never fully be able to publicly live the "gay life of my dreams" without around a hundred people bashing me and my family. it slammed me back to reality and i was really hurt by it.

any advice?

I can't help with the hurt part, because that's something that's gonna happen a lot when you're queer. This isn't to say "just suck it up and deal," more recognize that modern queerness and modern authoritarianism are constantly at odds. I wish I could recount how often I had the experience you're having now, and my coming out was probably as supportive as anyone could ask. But in the moment you're hurt, take a little bit of time to process it through, and try to let go of the parts of it that want to hurt other people, that want to surrender or become hopeless.

Keep the parts that make you want to help other people. Think about what you can do, even if it's small, that can reduce the same hurt for someone else. You were hurt by people not accepting your friend being gay, which hopefully means when someone comes to you with that hurt, you're there to listen and support them. When someone tells you about being trans or queer or whatever, you're there to support them without reservation. You're celebrating your friend being married in the face of other people too short sighted to see someone else's happiness beyond their own narrow minds.

That is step one, I guess. Take a minute for you, and then use the feeling as motivation to be kinder. About everything, I promise you there's lots of other disenfranchised group who get the same kind of gut punch reminder of other bigotries. Don't burn out, just do your best to have radical kindness.

This is also a learning experience about intersectional matters, about understanding our interconnectedness. There's such a common refrain of "just finding somewhere safe" we all have, and it often translates to geography in ways that ignore complex cultural differences. You know where in the world I can move and feel legally protected as a trans person? Nowhere. Like, maybe Ireland if the rising tide of authoritarianism doesn't reach it, but reasonably I operate on the assumption being a trans person is never going to be 100% safe for me, full stop, for my entire life. And I am lucky I could move to somewhere at least moderately safe for me personally.

The larger message to take from this isn't "we are never safe" but rather that we need to recognize that a world where diversity exists without being in danger of oppression or violence isn't going to be divided along any clear lines like geography. Being safe could be based on having a safe group of friends, a supportive community. And people can't all pick up and move their lives around just in hopes that the statistical generalities are going to line up for them in some new landscape. And people often just can't pick up and move full stop.

Take that shock of experience and use it as a lens for the larger world to understand more clearly - divisions do not make any of us safe. Assimilation doesn't make us safe. In the largest sense, we make each other safe with a large and open and welcoming community

Which brings me to my last point, and this one isn't for everyone. However, what I think your friend knows is that part of being openly gay, part of being visibly queer, is a form of shielding people who come after us.

Your friend has a shitty family, and that sucks. Every day I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with unsupportive families and I still don't know. She also probably knew, to lesser or greater degrees, that they weren't going to be supportive and she got married for her happiness, not for them.

But also, probably somewhere in that group of family members being assholes there's one or two queer people afraid or unable to live their lives, and for them your friend is a little ray of hope. Maybe they'll come out themselves. Maybe not, but maybe their kids will. Maybe next time they're watching a politician rant and rave about the evil queers, in the private space of their own vote, they'll vote against it.

And when your friend and her wife are out shopping, it's a little ray of hope to strangers. It's a regular person to people who never saw a gay couple. It's something that might make a little difference and lead to a big difference.

Your friend didn't get married to be a symbol, didn't deserve to have a shitty family, and I can see where that could be a system shock if you hadn't run across that kind of virulent bigotry previous. But your friend is living the gay life she wants to with her lovely wife and, I suspect, supportive friends.

What's the final synthesis here? Well, the world feels pretty fucked up right now, and I think all of us, not just queers but really like everyone under this sorta I guess more open authoritarianism, gotta try and support each other as much as we can. That little bit of happiness or that spare dollar or that brightly colored badge may not feel like enough, but for someone out there it is, y'know? We do what we can because it's enough for someone.

[rebelrayne]

the reddit least favorite poll: a lesson in statistics no asked for

long post ahead, just a warning but I definitely put the argument to rest: is the reddit poll accurate?

I know I'm the resident youcef stan around these parts but I am also the resident math teacher! a lot of people have noticed some things and so I am here to debunk this poll once and for all. ready?

when you give out a survey, you're collecting data from a population. a population is the collection of objects or individuals opinions/information. so for us, who is that population? the reddit community and I don't know about you but that community is different from those who get their information/interaction from tumblr, versus those from facebook, versus those from twitter, etc.

but what's wrong with this survey then? we all have access to it, we can all get to it. no, but that's wrong. this survey is what you would call an error in sampling.

uh, say what, jessie?

an error in sampling is a poorly designed survey. no, no, the person who made it is fabulous! the reason it's an error in sampling is this: it's misleading. this survey is not randomly selected people. it's the same people who want to see the results over and over again. there are more people who like certain characters than what is shown in the data. why is that? this survey is an error in sampling because one, it's misleading. two, it's not random selection (obviously random selection of about 100-200 litg fans would be better). three, it is biased towards only those people who want to take the survey.

at this point, if your favorite was already voted out, OR your favorite is consistently voted for, you may not want to partake in this survey which means: there's an error, because you don't feel the same way the others do but you have no interest in voting anymore because it's no longer of any interest to you.

how could it be fixed? well, it can't. literally the only way to actually have this be more accurate is either random selection to complete the survey, or every single player would have to answer this survey every single time.

also want to point this out: the season with the most hate is going to be season three or season four (just depends who you ask). again, this survey is biased towards the people who want to take it. the majority of people who want to take it are those who are big fans of season two. so what happened?

closer look at the numbers (most recent image of the standings found here)

season one islanders: 15. voted out as of 7/21/22: 5/15 = 33%

season two islanders: 24. voted out as of 7/21/22: *10/24 = 42% currently, we can see another S2 is being voted out so went ahead here.

season three islanders: 15. voted out as of 7/21/22: 3/15 = 20%

season four islanders: 18. voted out as of 7/21/22: 4/18 = 22%

hmm. well that is certainly problematic, isn't it? doesn't the reddit community openly hate season four? but the math isn't mathing! this survey says that reddit likes seasons three and four characters the best right now. if this was accurate, shouldn't almost all of the season three and four characters be gone by now? because wouldn't we want to have our season two characters at the top?

exactly. this survey is not accurate. thank you for coming to my TED talk and I hope you learned some things.

[desultory-suggestions]

Hello, um, first time I'm actually asking for advice on a blog so I'm very sorry if this is breaking your boundaries in any way.

I've suspected that I've had an eating disorder since I was a teenager due to various reasons, but every single doctor shrugged me off and that it's good that I'm thin. I've known that since I was a child I've felt...self-conscious about my weight, but not in the expected way: I feel too thin. I've known for years my eating habits are unhealthy and there's no one but me to support me through this, with all my friends wanting to become thinner and doctors ignoring me.

Self-awareness in time has allowed me to try and change my habits, try and eat more, and although I struggle I've somewhat consistently eaten recently even if money is hard to come by nowadays. But a few weeks back I had to undergo two heavy surgeries to fix worrying issues with my mouth, and now that I stopped the antibiotics I've been incapable of eating enough due to pain and fear of messing something up and have lost significant weight. I feel ashamed that I feel so thin when everyone around me, especially coworkers I don't know very well, are praising me for looking "healthier" when I can barely communicate and getting back to my usual work routine is still difficult in post-op recovery. It scares me.

Is this actually a thing? Maybe I'm not looking hard enough but I can't find anything on "feeling like I'm too thin with a suspected ED" in my own research. Is it just body dysmorphia?

Hello dear,

It is absolutely okay to ask for advice and support, that’s why I’m here! I’m so sorry that you’ve been ignored for years and years because of others people’s perceptions. Prejudice, fatphobia, and body shaming run so deep in our society and medicine, and radiates into everything we try to do. It is deeply upsetting that those around us equate thinness with health so much so that they would praise our illness.

We often reduce eating disorders to a person becoming obsessed with losing weight. However, there are a myriad of different eating disorders that happen for vastly different reasons. It’s a disorder about eating, so at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what causes the issues. If your eating is consistently disordered, you have an eating disorder. It is not uncommon to struggle with feeling too skinny, in fact many people ask me about the same concern. Body dysmorphia isn’t defined by thinking you are fat, but by having an altered perception of your body. So it is absolutely possible and even common to have dysmorphia surrounding feeling too thin.

NEDA is always a great resource for learning about eating disorders and seeking the right help. Here are some articles that may help:

When it comes to the issue of self perception, it is treated much the same as it would be if you were struggling with feeling fat rather than thin. There is no moral weight, the fear comes from around us and within ourselves. Therapy is incredibly helpful, as are support groups. However, even just small changes in mindset build up. Practicing affirmations to change the mindset around your body and eating is important. You don’t need to eat to gain weight, you need to eat to sustain yourself. Intuitive eating is your friend!

It sounds like your struggles with eating are an ongoing mental health issue, however with your recent surgeries it seems to have been heavily exacerbated. The immediate concern is eating at all. Consulting your surgeon will be vital, ask what is safe and appropriate to eat when and start making a sort of meal plan. The approval of the surgeon may help ease some anxiety. If all you can comfortably get down is protein drinks than so be it! That is still nutrients for your body. However it will be important to practice pushing those boundaries of fear. As someone who just underwent a major surgery, it’s so scary to do anything that could mess it up! But it also isn’t nearly as easy to mess up your results as you feel it is. Trying to gave liquids like smoothies or soups is great, then eating small pieces of food or mashes, then working up to bigger bites and meals. It will take time but it’s worth the effort.

Overall, seeking professional care will be important. It’s not always easy, but there are ways you can find support. I’m here to chat if you ever want to or need some advice! Take tender care.

-Evan

[poppunkandalphabetsongs]

Love & Marriage.

“The view from here is getting better with you by my side.”

Marriage. I’ve created a business around celebrating the act of that. In bringing two people together legally, in front of their loved ones, and friends. In front of their appropriate religion, and community. In front of their pets and their children. It’s been thoroughly enjoyable for the most part. I’ve wanted to quit a lot, currently I’m in that void, but you can’t quit a business where you have bookings 2+ years in advance, unfortunately. One of those asking the universe questions mentioned in previous tangent. 

I’ve always wanted to be married, which is strange as my Mother is on her 7th, and I’ve had no real example of what a healthy marriage should be. Most of the people who I know deeply enough to be able to justify judging their marriage, shouldn’t be married. It’s kind of an interesting concept. “Let’s get the government involved in our love story, otherwise, it doesn’t mean enough.” I don’t genuinely believe that statement, but sometimes, like right now, it doesn’t seem wrong. 

I’ve found myself married and questioning life. I married my husband for numerous reasons, but when things get low and dark, I find myself very much alone and that’s what I thought wouldn’t happen with marriage. I thought it was a team project. I thought you got an instant best friend. I thought it was unconditional love. But I do know there is no such thing as unconditional love. Even your children love you conditionally. As much as I hate to admit it, I know that even my dogs will go to whatever condition suits them the best. It’s a quality that I can’t judge. We all want what’s best for ourselves. We are a selfish breed by nature. It’s not going to change. 

There’s some statistic online that states there could be over 100+ soulmates for every person alive. As you age, you change, you adjust, you mimic the life that you feel as though you need to, in order to survive whatever state of life you’re going through. I’ve never met anyone who was the same when I first met them. I know I’ve changed within this last year. Clearly I’m still involved in that evolution, and I’m sure I’ll have a dozen more before the end of my natural life. Is it fair to make one person be the right person for you forever? Did I bully my husband into choosing marriage because at that time he felt like I was the one? Did I bully myself into thinking it would be the end of all of my loneliness? 

“Please don’t go, I love you so. I’ll eat you whole.” 

One of my favorite love poems is called “Please Keep Loving Me” by Eric Victorino. I’m surprised I haven’t gotten anything from it tattooed on my body. But you know what he did? He left the woman he wrote it for. He began a whole new life with someone else, they started a family, and he’s a different person than he was when he wrote that. I wonder if he quotes it to his new love. Thanks to social media for being able to creep on all of my literary heroes. The point isn’t that he’s changed, the point is, that everyone does. Is it fair to ask someone to keep loving you through all of the shit? 

I think the worst is, that I realized I was a toxic person this year. At age 31. I realized I was very much the problem for the majority of the personality traits I thought were just natural. A good therapist helped me get diagnosed with an accurate diagnosis this year, which has allowed me to place blame on some of the characteristics I hate the most about myself onto it. Am I doing anything to change them? Some days, yes. Other days, no. 

Is my toxic ass behavior healthy for my husband? Is it fair for him to have to deal with this? Just because he signed a paper stating that he knew what he was getting into? Because he stood in front of our current friends and family and said some vows that he probably regrets now? Because we made a child together? 

What happens when you both feel as though you both have serious things that need to be fixed, but can’t communicate with each other in a healthy way about it? A lot of questions for the universe tonight. 

“With a sad heart I say bye to you, and wave. Then she whispered, ‘how could you do this to me?’ Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you.”

[joons]

The way you've phrased your opinions on sex work and abortion gives me a pretty good idea of what the answer to these questions are going to be, but hell, why not: how do you want to see men held accountable for their part in pregnancy? How much are you willing to see your taxes go up to cover the cost of programs that provide ANY mental/emotional/medical/financial support women with unwanted pregnancies need? Do you support the creation of easier, faster processes for parents to give up their parental rights to unwanted children of any age? And how do you reconcile adoption as a solution to unwanted pregnancy with the well-documented reality that the foster care system is overburdened, that the overwhelming majority of Americans don't WANT to adopt (and those that do statistically avoid infants of the races most impacted by lack of access to abortion), and that and kids in the foster care system can be subject to neglect and/or physical and sexual abuse from their caregivers, plus lasting psychological trauma from the insecurity and uncertainty of life as a foster child?

In order:

Completely.

A lot.

Giving up a child of any age is kind of whack, but we have lots of safe haven laws.

Foster care and adoption procedures and industries need to be reformed, but this is not something pro-choicers have tackled either.

There are so many parents who want to adopt that there are not enough children that can be placed. This is somewhat of a warning sign, as it can lead to unscrupulous adoption scams or even trafficking. On the other hand, it can mean that adoption agencies can be more thorough and careful about selecting the right families.

Foster care is important in my area, which has been hit hard by the opioid epidemic, which is the leading reason why a child might be placed into foster care. There have been great results at increasing foster families through recruitment drives as part of a collaboration with governments, nonprofits and churches. The people in my life who have stepped up to meet this need inspire me more than I can say.

There is a difference between recognizing that we need interventions to help alleviate trauma that happens to someone through no fault of their own and wiping our hands and saying, "Actually, these children are better off dead and will never grow into anything of worth and will never value themselves." I just really cannot even wrap my mind around it, if I'm being honest.

We cannot eliminate suffering by eliminating life, unless we're all ready to pack it up when Hale-Bopp comes around again. I believe we have an obligation to reject misanthropic worldviews like that.

Did you know that in the U.S. only 37% of adopted children are white? Seems like those who adopt want to provide homes for children of all kinds, so we cannot pretend there is a great disparity among racial groups, while abortion clinics have historically attempted to target those communities specifically.

I like talking through these issues because it helps me think and refines my focuses. But I also think it's quite ludicrous to say that pro-lifers have not been doing this work and thinking about these issues for a long time and that they must shoulder the full responsibility of creating a perfect world. If the early pro-choice battle cry of "safe, legal, and rare" were true, perhaps many of these issues would have been tackled earlier, as both sides attempted to eliminate the "need" for abortion? Maybe Planned Parenthood would offer a little something to support ... parenthood? Or maybe we have let ourselves get a bit sidetracked, and the myopic focus on abortion from pro-choice advocates has left pro-lifers to try to pick up the pieces?

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

So. I think I have....some kind of disassociative....thing going on. It's not DID, and I *dont* think it's OSDD? Or maybe it is. I'm not asking for a Diagnosis, just thought I'd throw my experience out there and see if you or one of your followers experienced anything like it.

So like, I do a lot of writing. And when I'm writing it's almost like i.....am? The character? And extends to outside of writing, too. Like if I spend a lot of time in one character's headspace I feel like I am the character, to the point where sometimes I'm startled when I look in the mirror and my face and body are my own instead of the character's.

Happens when I do acting, too. I'm Really good at acting and stuff like RP in DnD. It's a little easier to come out of a tabletop character's head because there is a clear cut in the scene, but still.

There's no amnesia. Well, I *do* have trouble remembering my childhood, but I don't have missing time or anything like that. And like....I still have my own sense of self? Like I still answer to my name and I *know* logically that I'm not the character, but it really feels like I am at the same time.

Please tell me I'm not alone in whatever the hell this is.

Hi!

I know you said you’re not looking for a diagnosis, which is great, because I absolutely cannot do that, am not qualified, am just one person with too much tumblr experience, etc etc.

I would say:

1. I am literally one of the least qualified people to ask about this. In terms of DID symptoms, my system doesn’t experience that at all (and I’m curious how you found me to ask this about?)

2. Honestly, if you’re worried about it being DID or something similar, I know @clever-and-unique-name has reblogged a list of free trauma-coping-and-DID-information book PDFs. I’d recommend reading some of those and seeing if it fits, if it feels like it’s triggering fear/denial/etc, or if it feels way off base, etc.

3. Reading what you sent me, obviously I’m reading it through the lens of my experiences and comparing it to that, and so I’m biased. It sounds like you’re having a confusing, conflicting, probably somewhat dissociative time right now with whatever this is, and I’m sorry about that.

4. I hope it gets easier. I hope you find ways to cope. I think the biggest things I wish people had told me when I was going through finding other alters are that 1. It takes a lot of time to figure out and it’ll be confusing for a while, 2. If they are different parts, it’s pretty likely that they’ll keep coming back and being in your life, because they live with you, and therefore, it’ll help a lot more over time to try to communicate and not want to expel them from your head. Also 3. That DID/OSDD do involve a lot of denial and, for us, what felt like a mental breakdown, because it was a lot of new and scary information. 4. But it also did, eventually, get a lot better with talking about it in therapy and really working on inner communication, and all that stuff.

5. Statistically, it’s pretty likely that someone is going through something similar. We found a lot of similar-sounding opinions on various tumblrs, although I’d say that there’s a lot of discourse and in-community fighting, and that overall on tumblr, a lot of the systems were trying to find differences between themselves as alters, and that did definitely stress us out a lot and wasn’t a healthy approach. Soooo, take “go on tumblr dot com to find mental health information” with a grain of salt, lol. But also, I’ve met some of my closest friends on here who also have DID, so like…. Just be careful out there.

6. I know some people online do have characters that they made that are also dissociated parts. It is a thing that happens somewhat regularly, it seems like, although again, we haven’t ever had it happen to us. So there is that. And sometimes people do split fictives from their favorite media, as a way of coping, etc.

I do hope things get better for you. I kinda went on a soapbox with this one. (You can send more messages if you want, but other than relating to my personal experiences and possibly giving advice, I can’t really do much for ya.) Good luck, it’s rough out there.

P.S. Sorry this is answered so late! I forgot about it, and then didn’t forget about it, and then it got buried under other drafts, and now we’re here. Phew.

[moononastring]

hi! I hope you're doing well

I saw that you're the listening ear here for everyone and I just need someone right now

so my bf and I have been together for 3 years but we live with our families (we're from South Asia) so we've a schedule where we meet on alternative days for lunch. we couldn't meet in the past two weeks bcs I had my finals so we had a nice plan for today. but he calls me this morning and tells me that he and his friends made a last minute plan and were going out of town and that he was busy atm and couldn't talk more. I was ok with it. so I thought that maybe we could meet tomorrow or the day after that since I'll be busy with my internship from next week and my schedule will be packed. I messaged him in the evening to ask when he'll be back and he said Sunday. now idky but this hurt bcs, a. he sprung this plan on me out of nowhere, b. he'll be gone for the next 4 days when we had so much planned, c. ik that he has his life and all that but this past year has all been about how his friends tease him that they all will be going to different places for their jobs (this being the last year of college) and I'll still be here with him so he's been more about them

I don't want to sound like a bitch bcs he's great but these past weeks have been so stressful with finals and I got my period just one day before my statistics final and I was just so stressed and in pain and I just wanted him to understand and wanted these few days to relax with him but now I'll here at home and I don't know what to do since all my friends are busy and I've wanted to do since this evening is cry

hello darling <3

First of all, you don't sound like a bitch. You sound like you're disappointed in the turn of events and that is absolutely okay. Your feelings on it are valid.

I'm sorry it's been a stressful time for you! I hope you find a way to take these few days to care for YOU and destress. I know the plan didn't go as you wished it had BUT I think this is a nice opportunity for you to do things for yourself. Yes, your friends may be busy and your bf is out of town but YOU can do things on your own as well. Do something you've wanted to do and it's okay to do things alone.

If you want/need to cry about being disappointed, do that first and let it out of your system. Then, pick yourself up and plan things out for yourself. You've been stressed so if this is a weekend of honest-to-god doing nothing but napping and eating good food THEN SO BE IT.

Now, onto your BF (and I know you didn't ask for advice or a solution BUT), I think it's important you have a conversation with him about it. You clearly didn't appreciate that this turn of events ruined plans the two of you already had and though you said you didn't mind...it seems like you did mind. A lot of times (and I'm mostly about myself here) we say we're fine with things because they're already happening so you feel like the only option is to be fine with whatever the situation is. Don't let yourself do that again. For yourself first, because you don't want to set yourself up for other disappointments. He wants to have a boys trip and hang out with his friends! I get that! Esp since you said post-college it might not be the same! That's fine. What wasn't okay (and clearly bothered you) was that those plans trumped the ones y'all planned out right before things are going to get hectic again. And that is okay. Things have been busier and you seem like you just miss hanging out with your man.

Once he comes back, find time to talk about it. You should talk about your expectations for time together because you don't want to feel like you're not a priority. You said he's great and that's great! So, as always, communication is key and you both want to feel like your needs are being met with each other. Explain why you felt this way.

Again, I know you didn't ask for advice so I hope you don't mind that I gave it anyway lololol. But I hope that you take advantage of this week and do something fun for you. Feel your feels but also let yourself just...take it easy. You deserve a stress-free weekend.

I hope this helps you feel a little bit better <3 Treat yo self with something you like. You're doing great!